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ktheist · 4 years

Text

heartbreaker of mine

muses. jungkook x reader

synopsis. ah, here we are again. the overtold, cliche as hell story about two best friends who might or might not be in love with each other. except you can’t - wouldn’t dare to dream about being with jungkook.

alternatively, wherein you fell for the one who could break your heart.

words. 7.5k

universe. university / slice of life

warnings. mentions of physical insecurities; appearance, commitment issues

you should have known that in the absence of two of your best friends, nothing ever goes right when you decide to hang out. it isn’t the fact that you’ve known each other since diapers and basically know anything and everything about the other, that at some point you feel like your friendship is stale and need new additions - that’s where park jimin and kim taehyung comes in; a year older but several younger at heart, you couldn’t have imagined going through uni life with someone but them - but it’s the fact that realization hits you at the end of your final year that makes you drift apart.

the fact of the matter is, you prefer the solitude of your room, the library of that one spot in the cafe that you’ve claimed as yours. and jeon jungkook prefers the blare of music, strobe lights and bodies grinding against him.

by your final year, as you receive a job offer at the company you interned in on your second year, taehyung is already working part time at the company he interned in, jimin thinking about that modeling offer he just got scouted for and jeon jungkook is getting daddies of the girls he’s having a thing with to get him to work at their office just so their daughter can see their favorite boy more - yours and jungkook’s friendship has dwindled down to mere silences as you wait for the other two to knock on the door and fill the place up with their endless bickering about whether dumplings are better than mochi.

“shouldn’t you like, give me advice?” are the words jungkook said to you while you type away on your laptop, trying to do some light reading for tomorrow’s class before your mac gets confiscated for ‘pooping the party’ as taehyung likes to call it.

and you know what he’s talking about without even having preambles of the topic make its way into the conversation.

yet you still take off your glasses and set it down in your lap and ask, “what could jeon jungkook possibly have not known and needed advice on?”

he scrunches his nose, not appreciating your sarcasm but humors it anyway, “you know,” he shrugs, as though shrunk into the sofa from either shyness or embarrassment - you don’t know, “on like, how to start being serious about life - and settling down.”

the silence that stretches is a stale one, filled with your blank stare and jungkook’s peering eyes - even at the age of 22, the stars still glimmer like they’ve been freshly plucked from the skies.

“you want me to help pick, out of the many job offers you got from your girlfriends’ rich parents, for you to do?” is your conclusion - though if you were 2 years younger and had a little bit more faith for the boy you basically called your twin, it would have been a good natured jest. but you’re older and jungkook isn’t exactly portraying characteristics of an upstanding citizen either.

“no,” his hair brushes against his brows as he shakes his head almost too eagerly - as though he saw that coming but still got upset and wanted to prove you wrong, “like how to start taking things seriously like settling down with someone and no, not with out of my many girlfriends - can we not call them that? it makes me sound like an ass.”

it takes you less than five seconds to digest his words, eyes drifting to the white screen of your mac for the sole reason you can’t bear to hold his intense gaze while you conjure up a response, “well for one, you are but there’s honestly nothing i can tell you that you don’t know already and there’s nothing i can possibly say to make you want to change - it has to come from you. or like, a professional that could help and if you think you need one, i’ll be with you all step-“

the brief scoff is what puts a rest to your racing thoughts while the smile on his lips put your heart at ease, “i’m not addicted to sex.”

“oh, okay.” is all you say, not seeing where the conversation is going as you watch the boy scratch the back of his ear, lips pulled into a pout - one way you know he’s trying to strum words into existence. and when he does, confused is an understatement to describe what your face is portraying.

“okay, i’m saying if and if you’re looking for a husband, no, scratch that, would you even introduce someone like me to your parents?” but that’s the thing, you’re not confused because you don’t know where this is going but you’re confused because you don’t pretend to be oblivious.

but you’re also not a master at the art of heart-to-hearts and the gargantuan elephant that it brings. so you settle with a, “uh, i don’t know, you already know my parents, don’t know how i can reverse that and reintroduce you-“

“that’s not the point,” he blinks, the sight almost endearing as he freezes in his spot for a split second in contemplation of how to approach the matter and explain it to you who seem like you’re way off, “the point is-“

“i get it.” you nod, arms crossing over your chest as jungkook’s wide eyes peers into you like a mixture of relief anticipation.

“you do?”

“you’re worried if your future partner will be insecure about the bodies you’ve seen before them,” there’s a knock on the door just as you’ve finished speaking.

as you get up to get up to answer it, knowing already who’s there from the obnoxious chatters - more like argument - you’re not sure if your brain is playing tricks on you or if jungkook’s shoulder line really falls as well as his face.

but the, “uh, yeah, i guess,” is what makes you push the image of dimmed stars and downturned pink lips to the back of your mind as you unlock the door, welcoming the two halfway-into-a-deep-quarreling men and their two bags of take-away roasted chicken, chips, mashed potatoes and whatever else they thought necessary to fill the game night with.

“thanks, shortcake,” taehyung smiles at you after you take a plastic bags off his and jimin’s hands and proceed to place it on the coffee table.

“tae, you’re literally taller than everyone,” throwing him a side glance, you shrug as you begin taking out the packed chicken wings and placing it in front of jungkook while taehyung helps with unpacking the add-ons from another bag, “calling me short isn’t exactly an insult.”

“i’m just saying we should demolish mint chocolate chips all at once,” jimin plops down on the couch adjacent to jungkook, “and no, we can’t let these savages go eating them - we need to educate-“

somewhere in the middle of jimin’s colonial-esque speech, you turn to the boy who’s never said a word since the two came in. not that those too needed an additional converse partner with how taehyung is advocating for leaving mint chocolate chip eaters alone and jimin staying with his stance that these people haven’t had a taste of all flavors in the world yet.

the way he seems to look at something past your shoulders tells you enough - he’s still deep in his thoughts about settling down, or changing or whatever. you don’t know why exactly he wants to change his heartbreaker ways but- “there’s nothing wrong with two adults having a - or multiple - consensual sexual relationship prior to finding their significant other. and if they have a problem with that then that’s something they need to work on, not you so no, i don’t think you should change anything unless you want to.”

it’s some days later that taehyung brings up the remnant of the conversation he overheard before the four of you began arguing about what movie to watch and ended up putting the fate of humanity in rock paper scissors. and so you tell him, without ever thinking of the one thing that spurred his ridiculous thought and the hesitance of pouring it onto you.

“don’t look at me, i’m not snitching.” jimin’s round, disbelieved eyes stares back at taehyung as though surprised the latter would ever think he’d do such a thing.

“okay but someone’s gotta tell her.” taehyung lowly mumbles, upper body turned to jimin, gracing you with his beautiful side profile - whoever gets to date him will forever be the lucky one.

“guys, i’m literally right here.” the sound of your voice warrants a turn of heads and a wide-eyed stare as though they’re seeing your ghost rather than your physical form that entered and picked a spot together with them.

it takes a moment for the elephant to settle somewhere in the corner and crush you with its invisible weight before taehyung turns to you, hand behind his mouth as he fake coughs into it. then, another moment for you to register taehyung’s words as you watch his mouth move and his gaze trained on you like a father teaching his daughter a life-lesson before he lets her out into the world. once his mouth stops moving and a second passes for you to take in the information, only two words leave your lips.

“you trippin’,” with a half-manic smile and brows knitted together, you look almost like you’re made for the asylum- but understandably, your admittance is overdue.

as your heart palpitate inside the confines of your rib cages and the scene from that night replays at the back of your eyes like a broken record - jungkook’s hesitant glance, the windows to his soul shutting tight with hesitance and the teeth that traps his lower lips as though his body is forbidding him to say whatever his heart and mind wanted - as much as it pains you to admit it, the signs were all there.

you just didn’t want to admit it.

that’s what pining over a best friend you’ve known for over a decade does.

the denial that comes after realizing you don’t want anyone else to touch jungkook when im nayoung stood on her tippy toes and pecked jungkook’s lips before running off with a flustered expression - you were both in elementary and jungkook was more into sleepovers with the abundance of plushies you had than hanging with ‘other kids’.

then comes the ugly head of self-loathing and guilt as you fixed park jihyo a smile as jungkook introduced you two. one, as his girlfriend and the other, his best friend.

both, in love with him.

it’s ugly and disgusting, jealousy that is. but you’re uglier for smiling and laughing with jihyo over the things you would with a best friend who’s a girl - there were things you couldn’t share with jungkook as a girl. but you’d let your eyes linger a second too on them as they shared a peck when he’d meet you too in front of the school gate after his extra class was over - you lost count of the times you wished you were her.

you carried the pathetic little mask of a smile to uni. by then, jungkook had broken up with jihyo. there was a lot of tears and consoling and empty words of assurance.

“hey, if you guys are meant to be, you’ll meet again someway somehow.” you’d fixed her an encouraging smile as your heart bloomed with hope for when you’ll get jungkook’s attention all to yourself once you start uni.

getting into the same one had been pure luck.

it didn’t bring you far though. jungkook started gaining attention for his friendly nature and bunny smile that attracted both males and females. it wasn’t long until he’s bringing you to parties where he’d keep you by his side because he knew you didn’t know most of these people. tried to get you involved in the conversation but there was nothing interesting about the dude who drank himself silly and woke up in front of an old lady’s door butt naked or about that girl who woke up a five minutes before class in a city an hour away from where her dorm is.

well, at least, none of them seemed like jungkook’s type. he never had a girlfriend throughout his years in uni though he had plenty of other experiences that makes you wonder what in the world he hasn’t tried yet.

being in a relationship, is probably the only thing he hasn’t done.

jungkook liked kind people. ones that didn’t point at a random person and say an offhanded comment and collectively laugh about it. someone that laughs and smiles a lot because and didn’t have a single bad bone in their body.

liked.

because you don’t know what kind of person jungkook likes now. but you never thought him asking a hypothetical question from what seems like another person's perspective about his lifestyle would be, as taehyung calls it-

“i’m telling you,” he slams a hand on the table, a loud pap! resonating in the air but he doesn’t seem bothered by the pain - if there is any - as his eyes bore into you, “that was jungkook shooting his shot!”

“i don’t know,” you take a sip from the metal straw of your matte black tumbler for the sake of doing something, “it doesn’t feel real but i can kind of see it?”

“take it for what it is, love,” the pull of his eyebrows together couldn’t have been more frustrating, “jungkook has every reason to have the fattest crush on you - i mean look at you, you’re funny, adorable and nicer than all his friends combined.”

jungkook has multiple friend groups he hangs out with. funny how you started out as duos and merged into a quadruplet and ended up being that friend group that jeon jungkook doesn’t really look like he fits in but he’s probably hanging out with you guys from time to time because you’d known each other the longest. or so word has it.

“that’s basically everyone who’s not his friends.” with an eye roll, you wrap your mouth around the straw. this time, for the sake of hiding the smile that threatens to bloom on your face as it is in your heart.

and that’s how you find yourself in more than one ‘don’t you dare’ moments. jimin has begun randomly pointing out something about your hair accessory to your clothes to your fucking strawberry printed socks.

to prove a point, he said.

“hey beautiful,” oh, and he’s resorted to calling you all the adjectives in the world - but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work in making jungkook’s face scrunch in displeasure for the briefest moment as he glances at jimin as though he’s an adjective away from beating the man into a bloody pulp, “nice shirt.”

despite knowing the comment is every bit staged - and probably doesn’t mean that your minnie and mickey mouse shirt is anywhere compliment-worthy, you still look down at the two mice, one kissing the other on the cheek.

the “uh, thanks,” couldn’t have been more dubious and skeptic.

and so begins jimin’s not-so-secret mission to bring jungkook’s attention to you.

“isn’t the stickers on ___’s mac cute, jungkook?”

jungkook skims at the grizzly, panda and ice bears scattered across your mac before breaking into a smug smirk, “of course they are, i bought them for ___.”

you can almost hear jimin and taehyung high-fiving on the row behind you just as the professor walks in.

while jungkook seems to oblivious to it all, eyes trained to the display on the on the front, you allow yourself to indulge in the heat that seeps through your pores and warms your heart.

it’s not like jungkook stopped going to parties.

but finals season is almost upon you and he’s been hanging out with you more. sitting next to you in class while jimin and taehyung dozes off at the back.

“they sleep in class just to spend hours on end studying at the library,” jungkook huffs, eyebrows knitting together adorably as he stresses over your two friends’ stamina for sitting in one place for six hours straight and only needing a bottle of water at their disposal, “i mean, why can’t they just focus in class so they don’t have to study a whole semester’s worth of syllabus in the last minute and drag us into it?”

the six hour mark ended and they’re out getting some snacks for you to secretly munch on until the library closes.

“i mean,” you begin, eyebrows jolting upwards at the more-than-obvious fact he’s supposed to already know, “you technically came here with your own free will, you’re free to leave whenever you want.”

another sigh hits the air as the boy slams his onto the book he has open in front of him, “yeah, but i need to study to pass and i needed you guys to push me,” he laments.

ever since then, there’d been far too many moments of where you’re stuck with jungkook to wait for the two non-time-abiding asses. at first, excuses like ‘sorry we’re late, we were getting mcdonald’s’ or some other poor fast food restaurants’ name that became the patsy, but they started dwindling to ‘oh hey, sorry, we didn’t notice the time’ and eventually a ‘hey, jimin’s got a meeting with a professor and he’s my ride so you guys go first’.

and before you know it, finals pass and you’re visiting your hometown while jungkook stuck around for a part-time job with taehyung whilst jimin drops off the face of the earth after having mentioned that he’s going on a family vacation at some private island with apparently the worst wifi connection ‘like ever.’

the two now-co-workers keep spamming the group chat with pictures of them in their uniforms, holding different drinks which they personally every time. when you’re staying over with your grandmother, it’s your turn to spam pictures of her great black cat who seem to only like sitting in her lap and glaring at you in every picture you take of the two watching tv together. almost as if he had a sixth sense when it comes to cameras.

“when are you coming back?” jungkook grumbles from the other end of line.

you’ve just got a shower and he’s just got home from a night shift. he’s probably haven’t even taken off his jacket yet when he proposed calling you like the sporadic times you both did throughout the break.

“i don’t know. i don’t feel like going back maybe even until the ceremony,” you confess, half-meaning it. the gardening, and saying hello’s to everyone you see while buying groceries because everyone knows everyone here, and the best-tasting cookies your grandma make, and waking up to her cat suffocating you in your sleep, isn’t so bad.

“i’m dying here,” he sighs, sounding more relaxed and probably lying on his bed now, “if i have to insist that i can’t ‘reheat’ coffee and can only make a new one and end up having to hide in the kitchen for five seconds to pretend like there’s a secret microwave only for coffees,” he says all in one breath before letting a suspenseful silence hang in the air and then finally revealing the next big thing he’ll do, “i’m seriously going to spit in their coffee while in the kitchen pretending to reheat it with an invisible microwave.”

the laughter that tumbles out of your mouth is probably ugly and you probably snorted a couple times but jungkook doesn’t seem to notice. or care as he keeps insisting ‘i’m really gonna do it’ whilst you end up laughing until your stomach hurts and tears begin to prick your eyes.

“is this the same regular that like, wants their coffee like super hot?” you finally manage to ask, traces of laughter still threatening to spill from your lips.

“yeah,” his sounds impressed, “how’d you know?”

“tae told me,” you make an incredulous face and shrug even though he can’t see, “you do realize you work at the same place, right?”

“yeah but i never see him talk about it in the group but i probably missed it-”

“oh no,” your hand goes up in a dismissive wave, “we talk on the phone and he told me about it.”

“you guys talk on the phone too?” there’s a strain in his voice, possibly out of surprise.

“yeah, like every day.” you say, tongue subconsciously lapping over your bottom lip.

“oh,” is all he says for the longest moment before chirping out the billion dollar question, “why aren’t we talking every day?”

“i don’t know,” your shoulder line rises, almost swallowing your neck as a war breaks out within yourself, “we did try at the beginning of break but you always had a party to go to so...”

“oh,” this ‘oh’ is a little bit dejected and perhaps hits a little different before he continues, “i don’t go to those anymore.”

this time, it’s your jaw that falls. your voice is small, almost as though cautiously teetering on tightrope as you ask, “...why not?”

“i just didn’t see the point of going anymore you know? once we graduate, i won’t even talk to these people anymore - but i wanna continue being friends with you guys.”

the ‘you guys’ meaning you, taehyung and jimin. the bros. the homies. it’s no secret that he probably sees you all as the same gender, not a guy nor a girl but just friends.

well. it’s not the first time jungkook’s friendzoned you.

“that’s great,” you can’t help but nod even though you know he can’t see you, “i wanna keep being friends with you too, jungkook.”

ever since then, you talk almost everyday. sometimes in three’s and when taehyung had a shift and jungkook got off his, it’d just be the two of you. and for the first time, in ages, it feels as though the ‘best’ in your friendship has somewhat reintroduced itself once more. jimin somewhat manages to get a connection somewhere along the way and the first thing he did was complain about the three digit number in a red bubble in the corner of the message app and then managing to get one picture of him in flowery trunks, and a baby monkey eating a banana perched on his shoulder with the beach in the background before disappearing for the rest of the month until two weeks before the graduation ceremony.

“so like, do you have anyone to pick you up?” jungkook asks from he other end of the line. he sounds more free since it’s the last day of his job.

“yeah,” you announce, attentiveness laced in your tone for your next words might be indicative enough, “my sister.”

“what.” he drags out the word in a disbelieving tone and it’s no secret why he’s doing that- “i haven’t seen you in ages! and you’re going to your sister’s? wait - this isn’t like a permanent thing right? we’ll get to hang out before the ceremony, right?”

it takes you a moment to register the series of questions he bombarded you with and before you know it, the silence has already turned your voice into a small and guilt-ridden, “um, yes and no?”

a groan.

“i haven’t seen seulgi in forever too and she kept nagging me to visit her during break but i never did so now she has like a whole week’s worth of itinerary planned out for us to do before the ceremony,” the excuse trickles out of your mouth hurriedly, “jungkook, i have to do this, or the next time we’ll meet it’s at my funeral and you’ll be talking to my dead carcass before they bury me.”

it takes a moment of anticipating silence before he grumbles out a “fine. but after that, you’re staying over at my place.”

“okay but i mean if we’re having stay over’s wouldn’t tae’s place be better since he has a whole ass apartment for himself?” you’re at that point where you’re discussing stay over arrangements before actually consulting the owner of the place.

“i guess,” his voice is a little lower and smaller but it revives at the mention of the new pizza place that just opened before you decided to invite the other two in the call to make plans to visit there.

when the day finally comes for you to don the royal blue robe and cap, you do so with barely enough grace and composure for someone who’s about to receive her blood sweat and tears on a stage all because you and your sister are - this must be karma for shading taehyung and jimin for being - a bunch of non-time-abiding asses.

the double doors are almost closed as you struggle with not tripping on your high heels whilst trying to keep your hair out of your face.

“where have you been?” you almost didn’t recognize the golden man who tapped you on your shoulder from behind.

“jimin! you made it!” is the first thing you say.

“rich coming from someone who barely got to her seat in time,” he gives you a once over and you’re not quite sure what he sees because your back which he’ll be looking most at is clad is oversized blue robe. but despite that, you reach out to give his hand a squeeze and he takes it with just as a tight, ‘we made it’ kind of squeeze before you turn to the chancellor that’s beginning his speech.

you’re not sure which row jungkook is at or if he even sees you and you read taehyung’s ‘i feel like a proud momma’ text because his major adds another year to his studies than you, jimin and jungkook.

the ceremony goes on without a hitch and you’d like to believe your picture is as perfect as your make up which your sister claims to be ‘out of this world!’ - only because it’s her that did it.

“so you guys talk everyday?” jimin pulls you into him, a smile gracing his beautifully tanned skin as he steals a glance at something behind your shoulders - possibly jungkook whom you saw was being swarmed by his friends to take pictures with.

“yeah, i guess,” you casually say with a shrug.

“it’s true, i was there,” taehyung comes up next to you, replacing jimin’s arms with his in a side hug.

“man, i really wish i witness it all,” jimin grumbles, “but the connection on that island was shitty.”

“i’m sure you connected in different ways,” the taller man adds, a strain in his voice which the shorter doesn’t seem to notice as he try to wave off the belatedly relayed fact that his family is a different kind of family.

like the kind that invites sex workers and other business colleagues alike to enjoy themselves for as long as they wanted, as long as the park family was there.

“okay but how long is he going to take?” jimin quizzes, eyebrows soaring whilst you and taehyung follow his gaze to the growing size of people a few feet away who clearly look like they’re here for a photoshoot than a simple graduation ceremony, “my parents kinda skipped work to see me go on stage and get a piece of paper they paid a lot for so i kinda want to get the family pic done before i go to my second family...”

time doesn’t seem to stop like they do in the movies. it happens all too fast, in fact - jimin’s voice fading into the background, the countdown of the person taking the picture of the group of graduates jungkook’s in starting from three, two, one! and a girl with the prettiest curls that seem to bounce as she turns around and stick her tongue into jungkook’s mouth.

it must have been your uncanny silence that draws the attention of the two boys and a ‘oh shit...’ from one of them - you’re not sure who even though taehyung and jimin has two distinctly sounding voice.

all you’re sure of is the involuntary movements of your feet as they carry you away from the scene. your eyes are dry but that’s probably only because your brain hasn’t registered what exactly happened though deep down, you’re perfectly aware of the fact that those daily calls, the spams of good mornings and randomly sending each other selfies were nothing more than exchanges between two people who were onlu ever connected through a childhood bond that got translated into best friendship just because there was no other name for knowing someone for so long even though you probably stopped being friends first year of college.

“___! wait!” someone calls for you and you wish it so badly to be jungkook but you know better than to expect for the impossible. a modern day fairy tale.

“hey, don’t cry. jungkook’s a fucking dick,” the tall stature that finally caught up to you and trapped you in his arms, whispers. gentle, understanding and pitiful.

it’s not just the comforting warmth, it’s also the hand that’s rubbing your back that you know is probably jimin’s that makes you break out into your first sob. whilst the day isn’t exactly free of tears, those who did shed them did it out of gratitude and a sort of ‘i did it’ kind of relief but not you.

today, your cheeks are marred by the excruciating pain of a heartbreak. you might as well tear your chest open, take out the beating organ and hand it over to jungkook so he could crush them with his own two hands.

maybe it’d hurt less.

somewhere amidst your fit, you choke on your laughter as you catch the two bickering.

“that’s not how you comfort a crying lady, taehyung, what the fuck?” jimin doesn’t hold back with his colorful words.

“what? what did i do?” the taller man sounds all the more confused but still pass you on to the shorter one like a gift basket when a hand pulls you into another pair of arms.

a hand patting your head as jimin murmurs, “there, there, you’re going to be okay, sweetie,” he hugs you just a tad bit tighter as though to say i promise, “you’re young, you’re beautiful and you just graduated with honors. in five years you won’t even remember your little crush for jungcockhead.”

you would have laughed if not for the shadow in your periphery stopping dead in its trek just a few feet away from you and close enough to hear every word jimin uttered in his attempt to placate your rising desire to flee the scene.

“what?” even a simple syllable is enough to tell you who the voice belongs to. perhaps it’s because you’ve heard it in real life and on the phone countless times and countless more during the span where he worked sporadic shifts and you were gardening and getting scratched by your grandmother’s cat that you tried relentlessly to befriend.

“nothing, jungkook.” you wish it was you who said it but it’s jimin who’s hugging you tighter like a mother comforting their heartbroken child, “why don’t you go back to your girlfriend and stick your face where it’s actually wanted?”

almost as though physically slapped in the face.

with a brick.

jungkook’s shoulder line jolts as he flinches, brows knitting together as you can almost see the rewind of the moment your heart gets split in two. she has the prettiest, softest tanned complexion, luscious curls and body that fits the definition of a glowed-up.

he takes one step forward but stops when you shrink into jimin’s arms, almost as though seeking protection. but it takes everything in you not to run to him and make up an excuse about feeling hot and stuffy and that being the reason you left, when the crestfallen expression mars his otherwise ever-smiling features.

“that wasn’t what you thought it was-” you could almost swear he chokes at the end of his words but the pause is too short to tell, “i left her as soon as i saw you running off.”

“oh my god, cut the bullshit! this isn’t the first time and this won’t be the last. don’t talk to ___, don’t even look at her, douchebag,” the rumble of jimin’s voice vibrates against you as he pokes taehyung in the rib, making the boy cry out in pain.

the assaulted man has half a mind to ask for further instructions when he turns to you and jimin but decides against it, squaring up his shoulders and placing a warning hand, “just leave, man. ___ clearly doesn’t wanna talk to you right now.”

“ever.” jimin half-shouts.

those deep brown eyes search for yours as though holding on the last strand of what you call best friendship - hoping, wishing that it isn’t true. but as soon as they find your puffy eyes, you throw your gaze to the ground, finding the crack in the asphalt in a better state than your heart.

you can only imagine jungkook’s face falling at your refusal to affirm the strength of years’ worth of friendship. because the fact of the matter is, you’re not so sure if you want to keep pretending to be oblivious as he wraps his arms around another person and kiss them like he means it.

“___,” the bed dips as you feel the weight of the blanket get yanked off you. seulgi’s sweet peaches perfume filling your senses, “get up, it’s been days since you had an actual meal.”

“i’m not hungry,” you grumble against the pillow just as your stomach starts making the most monstrous sound ever existed in history of mankind.

“yeah right,” she scoffs but her hand on your arm is warm and soothing, “come on, please eat something - i’m saying ‘please’ here and you know i never say ‘please’. people say ‘please’ to me.”

you can’t help but laugh at that. seulgi’s never truly begged anyone for anything in her entire life. she would have asked once and left you be until you were done moping around over jungkook getting with jihyo. it was after you did get over your first heartbreak, did she get you ice cream and you’d spent the night in her room with fairy lights and forts, watching the notebook.

“don’t let a boy hurt you like that again, ___, promise me.” she held up a pinky, and yours felt like a ton of weight just dropped over you.

in the end, you hooked your pink with hers and made a promise of sisterhood.

but she hadn’t been there when you needed your off days in college when rumors started spreading about jungkook and a different girl every week.

the wounds to your ever bleeding heart don’t heal. but you got used to picking yourself up and you got better at that with that one class you failed, that one presentation you blew, the humiliating mistake you made in front of your supervisor and every time after that. seulgi had her own ways to deal with problems and you had yours - or maybe patching yourself up after a fuck up was more of your forte.

who knows?

“what’s for dinner?”

“really?” at your inquiry, the face you thought would light up like a christmas tree - doesn’t. if anything, she bites her bottom lip just like you just caught her red-handed for doing something you probably won’t like.

“what?” you ask plainly, at this point, you won’t even be surprised if she said the sky is falling.

it’s not.

but her next words are far more foreboding than the end of the world, “look, jungkook came over like he always did everyday since that day and today i wanted him to stop coming for good so i told him if you at least have the energy to get some food, i’d let him see you,” her eyes glimmer with a sort of remorse that you can’t even hold her against.

“then can’t you tell him i still don’t wanna eat?” is what you say, completely unperturbed or rather not registering the fact that your best friend whom you’ve been in love with for as long as you can remember is in your sister’s living room because he probably heard about your hunger strike.

but the only problem is, he’s not in the living room-

“he’s right outside the room. i told him he can stand there and see for himself how bad he fucked you over so he’ll feel bad enough to leave you alone.” she says in a hurried whisper, eyes glancing to the half-agape door every second.

a spark lights up inside you, like smolders blown by wind and flares into flames, “seriously? you couldn’t talk to me first about it?”

her eyebrows furrow as her mouth opens and closes for a moment before she confesses, “...i didn’t think you’d say yes to lunch.”

“whatever just-” you tear your gaze away from your sister’s involuntary puppy eyes just so you wouldn’t end up clawing them out yourself, “...just go, seulgi.”

for the longest yet briefest moment, the only thing you can hear in the room is your steady breathing. the flame still burns but it doesn’t flare into a raging fireball. and you know full well it probably isn’t easy for jungkook to pass to through the door after having heard how you reacted when you found out he’s just outside.

when he does, he doesn’t even hide the way his doe eyes shine with something you can’t pinpoint as he takes you in. all of you. with your mused, oily hair and three day’s worth of hoodie and puffed eyes.

“hey,” he murmurs ever so softly, the bed dipping where seulgi sat.

you echo the same greeting back but with a hoarser voice compared to his velvet one.

“so, what do you want for dinner?” he begins, cautious eyes finding yours.

“i don’t want it anymore,” is all you say as you shrug casually.

“oh.” he sounds fragile. nothing at all like the self-assured jeon jungkook you’ve come to know.

silence fills the room like a big, blue elephant. seconds stretch on into minutes and you find yourself leaning against the headboard, drawing invisible patterns over the sheets while jungkook-

you don’t know what he’s doing. he could be fiddling with his fingers like how 10-year-old him would whenever you met at your favorite spot after a fight. but you’re both no where near 10 and if there’s any traces of the boy you once called your best friend, it’s probably only his appearance that’s never really changed.

either way, you don’t dare to even steal a glance his way.

“i like you too.”

the words hit the air like a drop of water that vaporized faster than what science dictates it too. you almost thought you were hearing things if not for the way he looks at you. as though waiting for something. anything.

“i...” you trail off before shaking your head, almost as though coming to your senses, “i can’t do this.”

jungkook laughs awkwardly, hand scratching the back of his head, “yeah, i understand - i’m sorry i- i just wanted to make sure you’re fine and then i got carried away- i should leave.”

but before he takes a step towards the door, you call for him, “jungkook, wait.”

“i’m leaving for japan in two days,” you finally let the cat out of the bag.

“what?” comes out a second later - you don’t dare to look up from your hands to see what kind of emotion he’s making.

but he at least deserves an explanation, “for the longest time, i feel fucked up because i get so jealous of the girls that dated you...” taking a deep breath, you continue, “but i know it’s because i think i’m not enough-”

“you are - you’re more than enough,” the interjection is what makes you look up involuntarily, if not to confirm it yourself - the knitted eyebrows and heartbroken gaze proves it and then the sinking realization settles in, “but you don’t believe me.”

you shake your head, a bitter smile on your lips, “i’m not enough for me and that’s something i have to work with.”

“by running away?” his voice rises to the ceiling, confusion and frustration pooling in his eyes.

“by finding myself,” you correct, “you know like how people go to a different country and come back a different person except i’m hoping to find that person.”

“in japan,” he sounds like he’s a word away from hooking you up with a specialist - not that you haven’t thought of one but-

you laugh and he looks at you like he’s stuck in the middle of a never ending maze, “my mom’s planning to visit my aunt in japan and since i’m officially unemployed i guess, i’m tagging along.”

“oh,” his shoulder line sags as he sighs in relief, “so like a vacation.”

it tenses back up when you say, “i might look for a job there.”

“you’re permanently moving to japan?” jungkook’s body seems to be here but his conscience seems to have flown out - probably to japan.

you want to laugh but it doesn’t seem like a proper setting for it. especially when you’re confessing to your crush that you like him but also subtly admitting that he’s partly the reason you’re leaving the life you know for a new one. and you might not even do it willingly.

“i might find a job with a branch company in korea - work there for a year and then transfer here,” you shrug, “i don’t know.”

“i-is this because-” he starts but you shake your head.

“yes and no?” you say, “none of this is your fault but i’m projecting my frustrations onto you and this isn’t healthy... i need- i need to go away for awhile and figure myself out.”

and that’s how jeon jungkook finally comes to the realization that nothing’s been the same. you haven’t been the best friend you prided yourself to be for a long time and that best friend completely disappeared in second year of college after he started spending nights at parties and only lunches with you. until eventually, you’re stuck in a habit - a cycle that you can’t break from until something dramatic or life changing happens.

and so it goes, he sees you off at the airport with taehyung and jimin. unsure of whether they were still friends after they’d deliberately stopped him from running after you on your graduation day, they were the first to approach him. they understood that it’d only be worse if he chased after you but they didn’t hate him - dislike him at times when - as they called it - he was so damn clueless, yes but they didn’t hate him. and that was a relief.

nothing major changed. he moved in with taehyung and jimin and even got a job at the same company as jimin. you went off radar but still kept in contact every once in awhile - it was like that time jimin went to that private island except you had all the reception you needed, just not the time to text as much as you used to.

job hunting was tough and he understood the competition. when you got a job, you were plagued with a newbie’s role, having to do overtimes to finish up work that was piling before they gave you that position.

then one year turned to two and two years turned to three. jungkook became a manager while jimin took up the position as a secretary in their rival company - it’s funny because everyone at the office would shit-talk him and they would make fun of those people as they drink into the night.

jungkook lost contact with most of his party friends - they were great with hooking him up with a potential client but besides that, he was basically living the workaholic life with his two apartment mates as his only source of social interaction outside of work.

from meetings to gatherings to meetings and then private dinners with clients. the cycle goes on until that one evening where arrives at an invites-only event.

“jungkook, come here,” the director gestures him over and because there’s a server blocking his view, he only notices the girl standing in front of his superior, when he’s finally by his side.

“...a hardworker - every project he’s ever handled hits the internet like a boom!” the director was saying.

“ah jungkook,” the man taps him on his shoulder but he can barely feel it when his eyes are trained on you, stunning in that deep toned dress and new hairstyle, “meet ___, you guys will be working on the twin tower project together.”

“so you’re back for good?” he asks when you’re finally alone, lingering at the balcony and away from your superior’s eyes.

“not quite - i still have to fly to japan every week,” you shrug casually.

“oh,” he nods.

“you look great by the way,” he adds a moment later, scuffing his foot against the floor.

you can’t help but giggle at how boyish he is, even at the age of 25, he still acts like a child, “thanks - you don’t look half bad yourself.”

he echoes a “thanks” as well before throwing his gaze over the magnificient view of the cityscape. artificial lights from the buildings appear like stagnant fireflies. it’s sad that they’re the reason you can’t see stars anymore.

but fate is too cruel.

because hoseok, your partner is calling you over - a couple of middle aged people standing next to him, smiling that mechanical smile that isn’t any different from your business smile.

“i gotta go,” you sigh but shoot him one last melancholy smile, “i’ll see you this monday?”

“yeah, see you this monday.” jungkook smiles a smile that says he’s not so sure where you stand. colleagues. ex-best friends. acquaintances?

with a wave goodbye, he watches as you strut to the couple, transforming into a woman so sure of every gesture, even a smile and a throw of your head back as you laugh. everything you do, every movement you make is mesmerizing.

and he knows he’s not the only one who thinks so as he watches your partner gaze at you with eyes that doesn’t seem to see anyone else but you. laughs at something you say as if he’s completely enchanted.

jungkook turns around, hand propped on the railing as he takes a sip of the wine he’s been holding. without realizing it, a smile slips onto his face, he makes a mental note to check your company’s dating policy.

most forbid office romances anyway.

note. i’ve had this in the draft for forever! and thought i was never gonna finish this but i somehow got a burst of inspiration yesterday and here we are! hope yall enjoyed!

#bts smut #jungkook smut #bts scenarios #jungkook scenarios #jungkook fic #bts fic #jungkook fanfic #bts fanfic #bts au #jungkook au #bts fluff #excerpt from a fic i'll never write

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sunflovverharry · 3 years

Text

Friends with Benefits - Chapter 3

a/n: hiii, sorry it’s been a while since I posted chapter 2, but I’m finally back with chapter 3! It’s a bit shorter, but an important one. will hopefully be writing a lot more now that exams are almost over :)) anyways, enjoy this chapter and please feel free to tell me what you think and reblog <3 pairing: police officer!h + Alex word count: 5k warnings: it’s pretty clear from now there will be language, alcohol consumption, smut and trouble with body image in basically every chapter so from now i’ll only write M (mature)

Seemingly, both Harry and I had gotten what we wanted out of each other. Two breathtaking fucks and the intimate moments after where we cuddled and basked in the afterglow of the sex.

It really wasn’t enough for me though. He was like an addiction and I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of him. Not that I have a way of contacting him or meeting him except meeting him at the bar again - if we even go at the same time. As he has said; he isn’t one to party a lot nor go clubbing too often. We both spend most of our time at work and it seems like we don’t mind that.

Saying goodbye the Sunday morning two weeks ago I thought it would be the last time we’d meet. Now, standing in the same club as always, staring into Harry’s eyes I couldn’t let the smile grazing my lips go. It was as if all my hopes and dreams were heard when Harry gave back the same smile and made a ‘come here’ motion with his hand up in the air so I could see over the bodies between us. Grabbing my pint of beer, I left the bar and swiftly made my way over to where Harry was sitting. The group I was with had just entered the club and they were still at the bar waiting for their drinks as I didn’t say a word when I walked off.

Harry was seated at the end of a booth close to the corner, his back turned to his mates as I came to stand in between his thighs to be able to hear each other over the loud music blasting over the speakers. I took a drink of the beer before sitting it down next to what I assumed was Harry’s pint.

“Hi, pet. You alright?” Harry placed a soft kiss to my cheek in greeting as he basically screamed into my ear. I leaned away to look at him while giving him a small shake of my head, yeah, I was just fine. He looked smashing in his colourful button-up missing a couple buttons at the top, making me see the top of his butterfly tattoo when I let my eyes gaze down to take him in.

“You celebrating or something?” I took a quick sweep over the rest of the table he was with and there was an expensive bottle of champagne being passed between them. Not the most sanitary or anything, but who was I to judge when I’d definitely done the same when I was drunk. Who exchanged spit and drinks with who, weren’t on the top of our heads when we were drunk and only wanted to get more drunk I guess.

“Nah, the mate who broke it off with his girl some weeks ago dragged us out and he’s making them down everything he buys. I’m driving today though, so only a pint for me. What’re you doing here again?” His hands were dangerously close to the tops of my thighs as they held me close and his thumb pressed patterns in my skin. I was wearing a skirt and a quite revealing top tonight, though not expecting to meet anyone, especially Harry. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought there was a possibility as this is the place we’ve met both times - and now a third.

«Oh, good to see he’s doing alright then. Just here to have a couple pints, didn’t wanna get too drunk or stay out too long tonight. Have quite a lot of paperwork to get through this weekend.» Harry groaned when I mentioned work, not wanting to think about it for tonight I guess. I didn’t really want to think about it either.

«Don’t remind me. I have to go in at six for a couple hours to finish a report, but then I’m off for about a week thank god.» He finished off with a smile thinking about some - I’d say well earned - days off.

«Well then, to celebrate that, how about we go back to yours to have an even better time than we’ll have here?» It was bold of me and I knew it, but that’s how it had been since the first time we met. I took initiative and went in full force and there were absolutely no regrets.

Harry sucked his lips into his mouth as he dwelled over what I’d proposed. There was a slight shimmer to his eyes as he moved his head back to get a good look at me. I didn’t mind his eyes travelling over my body, only enjoying how he didn’t hold back from showing me he liked what he saw. It gave me the last bit of confidence I felt I needed being with a man like Harry.

Not giving a verbal answer, he took one last drink of his pint before getting off the leather seat. His hands turned my body around, settling on my hips as he walked us straight past the bar and made our way outside. The parking lot he’d left his car in was on the other side, quickly jogging over the road when no cars were coming.

It was a lovely night, warm and just humid enough to not break out in a sweat. Perfect start of summer weather. His car was nice and looked expensive at first glance. The inside was clean, no dirty napkins or bottles on the floor. He must take good care of it cause most other lads’ cars I’ve been in haven’t been nearly as clean as Harry’s. I gather that he doesn’t want to talk about it when he doesn’t even look at me to see what kind of reaction I had to it.

«You drove here when you could've walked the fifteen minutes? That’s lazy of you, mr. police officer.» I hadn’t used the nickname last time and I missed it. Harry didn’t exactly seem to mind it either as he took in a harsh breath after hearing it. Even more of a boost for me.

«I thought I would have to drive my mates home as they clearly are getting wasted out of their minds.» Of course he was the sensible one of the group, he’s a fucking police officer. Knowing how he cares for his friends and has his life set makes me feel a bit angry at myself. Why did I have to get an obsession over someone I’d never be enough for? «And to be honest, I’m glad it’ll get us home quicker cause I’m already bulging after you calling me that, pet.» I only giggled and looked out the window, not wanting to be caught staring at him.

The car ride went by in silence after that. The quick five minutes were agonizingly slow and I couldn’t stop thinking about getting to feel Harry again. It made my thighs clamp together to try and get some sort of friction to satisfy me.

Having parked the car, both of us jumped out and almost ran to the door wanting nothing more than to get inside and rip our clothes off. God I can’t wait to feel his achingly perfect cock inside me for a third time. I should probably try to forget about him after this time, knowing we’ll stop seeing each other at the club as often during the summer as I’m planning to be gone for most of it anyways.

«I’ve been dreaming of meeting you again. Honestly can’t get you out of my head, pet.» Harry seemed a little hazy as he quietly let the words tumble out of his pretty pink lips I still haven’t got to taste tonight. Good thing it’s only just passed ten and we have all night to enjoy each others taste.

«Shut up and kiss me already.» He closed the short distance between us as he pulled me to him, front against front. His rough grip on my waist made me grow more want for him. Maybe he finally realized after last time that I wanted it rough though I might come off as someone who wants to take control. I don’t mind but god do I like being thrown around at times and Harry did it really fucking well.

My bottom lip was between his in a second, sucked into his mouth and left his lips with a pop. I couldn’t help but already pant at the anticipation and need for him. My lips were slightly open, ready for Harry to slam his lips back on mine and tongue taste the inside of my mouth, licking into it. He didn’t waste a single moment on teasing me or waiting till I couldn’t anymore - dominating the kiss before we even touched lips nevermind tongues.

It made my stomach turn in excitement for the night and lust for the man in front of me. There weren’t any sparks, most likely because we didn't even know each other besides the basics. Well, not even the basics - not even knowing his age. Names and workplace are the only two things we’ve told the other. It felt fucking good having this platonic stranger with benefits. I guess that’s what I would put us as? There were no feelings ruining things or other people's opinions as we were still strangers.

«I want you to cum in my mouth this time.» I barely managed to get the words out of my mouth as Harry was too eager to get his mouth on mine. When he heard what I said though, it was like his eyes got darker and his grip tightened around me showing how much he also wanted that without saying it.

Feeling his tongue get familiar with my mouth again was intoxicating, making me want to make out with him for hours on end. I wouldn’t mind if we dropped sleeping and just moved our lips together until the sun rises.

«You wanna.. upstairs?» Harry was already breathless, either because he knows what he’s getting or because of the kiss. I hummed in response, guiding us to the stairs leading up to his room. If this is going to go how I want it to, I’ll want to be comfortable and though the couch was good, his bed is the best option.

I trusted Harry to be careful and considerate but also push limits which was exactly what was needed tonight. No ‘are you sure’ or ‘i don’t want to hurt you’ talk, just straight to it. No, I wouldn’t get to feel his length inside me - unless he thickens up again right after which I doubt - but maybe before he has to head out. Maybe his fingers will suffice for tonight.

«You’re going to fuck my mouth, officer, and I’m gonna take it like the good girl I am.» There was no point in not being direct from the start, teasing unnecessary and unwanted from both sides. He looked like I told his biggest dream was coming true as he bit his lip and rolled his eyes back as he tried to collect himself for a moment. My fingers danced over his neck and shoulders before tugging his shirt over his head.

«Lay down. Head this way, pet.» The pet name he had called me since we first met had grown increasingly on me and I couldn’t imagine being called anything else. Following his orders I got on the bed, facing him, head almost dangling off the bed. It was risky to let him take control over my airways, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

There was no doubt he was hard and ready to burst if he just got a little lick to his slit, but there is also no doubt he’ll hold out for as long as he can. Leaning down, he slotted our lips together in a more than messy kiss that was hard to navigate as we were upside down. His hands caressed my cheeks before moving to pull my top down, letting my tits spill out on top. I knew he liked them and since depriving himself for longer than needed last time, he was making up for it this time. Pinching my nipples he got a moan out of me telling him to keep going. I loved when my tits were played with, the sensitivity a great feature.

My fingers trailed down his sides languidly, feeling his abs flex at the sensation. Gripping the front of the trousers he was clad in, I somehow managed to open it up before pulling it down along with his briefs as far as I could. Harry moaned into my mouth as his cock freed from restraint and I got my hands on it only tugging lightly.

Biting my bottom lip he pulled away to make sure I was comfortable where I laid before shuffling the few centimeters closer so his tip rested on my lips. I was excited to taste him again and to feel his impressive length down my throat. It being something I don’t usually do unless I trust the person or really want to.

He left it to me to take him in and start licking and sucking him deeper into my mouth which I gladly did. Starting with a kitten lick to his slit he groaned and twisted my nipple between his fingers at the feeling of finally being touched where he needed it. I closed my lips around his tip focusing on sucking it and licking around it, but knowing he’s sensitive already I put my hands on his hips trying to get him to move closer. Feeling the welcome weight on my tongue as his cock drove deeper into my mouth, stopping at the start of my throat, I sucked and bobbed my head only slightly as it was hard to move in my position. Not yet knowing exactly what he likes in terms of blowjobs, I listened for sounds he’d let out or if he rutted his hips more at something I did.

«Fuck that’s it.» He murmured before letting out the loudest moan I’ve heard as I helped him go deeper, reaching down my throat. I liked the sensation, knowing I - or Harry - could control something so dangerous as my breathing.

Harry began thrusting his hips more, guiding his cock himself down my throat, keeping still for a second before letting me breath and doing it again. I removed my hands from his hips, wanting him to take full control and let them lay flat on the bed. It was intoxication listening to him pleasure himself with my mouth, only making me wetter by each groan.

«Shit- oh god!» It was as if he was losing his sense to keep himself at bay, the feeling of being down my throat too good. I didn’t mind, loving the fact that he felt comfortable enough to completely be himself for me.

Harry fucking my mouth was intense, the feeling of him pushing his cock as far down my throat as possible, cutting my airways for seconds at a time made me dizzy and want to succumb to every need of his right this moment. I loved laying there, taking everything he gave me without the ability to stop him except if I really needed to of course.

There was no need to stop though. He knew exactly when it was enough and pulled out and when I could take more.

«Agh.. Your mouth feels so fucking good Alex-» It was like he didn’t quite know how to express himself, too far gone in his own head. «I’m gonna cum.. Mmh, you want it down your throat, pet?» Even when he was gone he still called me pet and I reveled in it. It made me smile around him, but quickly going back to shutting my lips around him as he was back to only putting the tip in. I sucked and licked at his slit wanting him to get his release. It didn’t take much before he was shooting ropes after ropes down my throat, moaning as he filled up my mouth with his cum.

I’m sure I had tear streaks down from my eyes to my temples, but to be honest I hadn’t paid attention to anything except Harry’s cock in my mouth for the entire time. I enjoyed it just as much as he did.

«Fucking hell, pet.» Harry’s slowly softening length slipped out between my lips and I opened my mouth to show him his work before swallowing all of it. He groaned at the sight and bent over to catch my lips for a sweet kiss mustering up the little energy he had left before falling on the bed right beside me.

Laying next to each other trying to catch our breaths, Harry’s fingers delicately trailed up and down my thigh laying next to his torso. It felt nice to have the cuddly, cute aftercare I so badly craved for with every other lad who only wanted me gone after emptying inside me. Which is mostly the reason I began only letting them cum on my tits or arse. It was a fair deal I thought, seeing as a lot of them didn’t even get me off.

His chest was still somewhat heaving, begging for more air when I sat up dizzy from the blood coming to my head and not regaining my breath completely either. His eyes opened to see if I was going anywhere. I was still fully clothed, only my tits hanging out next to a naked Harry who seemed to have kicked his pants off all the way. His cock laid slack against his thigh, tired from the intense orgasm.

«Did you enjoy that?» I don’t know why I felt like asking this time. My confidence was always up when I was with him and it sounded and felt like he really liked what I was doing. My tits were red with his marks and I hadn’t felt a thing being too busy reveling in Harry. He could get it with me anytime he liked and I would comply and do exactly what he wanted.

«Did I enjoy that?» He chuckled and moved to hold his weight up on his elbows. «That was unreal. I was so fucking gone in my own head I didn’t even think about you. Are you okay, Alex?» Course he cared for how I was feeling, it was like second nature for Harry to care about the people around him. Probably the reason why he became an officer.

«Yeah, I really liked that.» I hadn’t even been close to reaching an orgasm from that alone, but damn it if I hadn’t enjoyed myself more than with any other lad - who I’ve never even let fuck my face like that.

«Do you wanna sit on my face? Honestly don’t know if I can move right now.» He was good to look at so I let my eyes wander, his tattoos shining along with the rest of his skin with a light layer of sweat. I shook my head no, telling him I was good for now.

«I might wake you up tonight if I can’t sleep though.» Winking at him as I got out of bed fixing my tits before going downstairs to get a bottle of water. My throat was rough and the aftertaste of his cum wasn’t that nice any longer.

Bringing a bottle of water up for Harry to drink, I jogged up the stairs only wanting to fall asleep as soon as possible. Not getting much sleep during the last month has gotten to me and the one weekend I have off I want to make up for some of it.

«Is it alright if I sleep here?» Again, don’t know why I felt the need to ask Harry if I could stay the night when I’d done it the last two times.

«I was kinda hoping you’d stay and I could return the favor when I get back from work in the morning? I’ll be done by nine at the latest.» Harry didn’t look like he was scared of getting rejected, almost talking as if it was the most normal question. Maybe he recognized there was something up with me and was trying to act as normal as possible for me to relax again.

«Mm, I think I can do that.» Harry smiled from where he was still laying, telling me to ‘come here’. I didn’t object and fell straight into his arms with a quiet sigh. His hands grasped my body tightly to his, fingers going up and down my spine. «Think I’m gonna fall asleep in a few seconds if you continue doing that.» It felt incredible having someone dote on you without any pressure or hidden feelings behind it.

«Let’s get up and get ready for bed then, yeah?» I nodded and reluctantly removed myself from his arms pulling him up with me.

Standing in the bathroom brushing our teeth together felt oddly relaxing. A thing normally viewed as intimate between a man and woman when they’re sleeping together at least. There had been intimacy between us since our first night together I feel, so we might’ve gotten used to it - not thinking about how this isn’t normal for people who only have sex.

Deciding to push the thought to the back of my mind, I got undressed to my underwear before jumping under the covers waiting for Harry to get in behind me and pull me close.

— Morning after

I wasn’t aware of my surroundings as I was still asleep and only barely waking up when I felt the unforgettable feeling of someone going down on me. Slowly opening my eyes as I let go of the moan I couldn’t even try to hold back, I saw the duvet was still covering my body, one leg sticking out while my right knee was sticking up under the duvet.

It was undeniably the best wake up call I’d had in years. Maybe even since the morning of my fifth birthday which was twenty years ago. Lifting my arms to lay above my head, my hips started moving along Harry’s tongue wanting to get as much pleasure as I could out of it. Since when were men this good at eating a woman out?

He smiled against my clit as I continued to sound my pleasure and circle my hips against his mouth, obviously liking how much I enjoy what he was doing. And I sure did enjoy it, a smile finding its way on my face as well before more sounds took over and I couldn’t find the energy to moan through a smile.

His tongue flicked my clit once, twice before sucking it between his lips, tongue still flicking. It was warm and wet when he released it going down my slit, pushing his tongue in me. I don’t understand where Harry learned how to eat someone out when literally no other man even knew where my clit was. His arm hooked around my thigh moved down so his thumb could circle my clit, pressing into it at times to get more heavy breaths from me.

I didn’t last long, Harry going at it like he was starving, reaching my first high this morning from oral with a soundless moan. My hips didn’t stop grinding into his lips and he didn’t let up until I moved my hand to push him away. I was sensitive and not quite awake yet as I came down from an orgasm I couldn’t compare to anything else.

Harry came up from under the blankets, fitting himself between my still open legs. Seeing the smile on his face, chin and lips glistening with my release on them, made me pucker my lips together wanting to taste myself on him.

«Mm..» Harry moaned into the kiss, his body fully leaning down on mine, barely holding his weight up as I took most of it. It felt nice - his warm body encompassing mine fully.

Keeping him close we spent the morning in bed, kissing and ultimately slipping him in when he spooned me. The position being intimate and sensual, but the morning stillness and tired bodies made it the best way to get off in this moment.

After rolling around in bed for an hour, enjoying another orgasm or two, our hungry stomachs made us get out and make our way to his kitchen. The sun was shining through the windows making the room light and the slightly warmer wind blowing through the open french door made it so the shirt I had put on was just enough to not get cold.

Sitting down on one of the dining chairs I watched him move around in his kitchen making us french toast for breakfast. The clock had just passed ten and I was planning on going straight back to bed when I got home then hopefully finishing up my paperwork. I needed the sleep or I don’t think I’ll function the week coming up.

«I wanted to talk to you about something.» We had been sitting in silence as we ate the toast until Harry’s words broke the comfortable silence. I nodded and moved my eyes to connect with his showing him I’m all ears.

«We’ve had sex a few times now and first of all I want to make sure we’re not giving each other anything. I know I’m not sleeping with anyone else.» I understood where he came from. We don’t know what the other does when we’re not together and because we’re not using a condom we could easily bring an STD into the picture.

«I told you I haven’t been with anyone but you the last year, so I’m clean. Even went to the clinic last week.» It was a necessary conversation, but telling him I’d been checked after we’d slept together was a little awkward.

«Good. I’m clean too, checked on tuesday.» Harry nodded, but didn’t seem done with the conversation. To prepare himself for the second part of the conversation, he took a bite of his toast before swallowing it down with some water.

«I wanted to ask you one more thing. It’s absolutely fine if you say no, but know I’m one hundred percent up for it.» He looked me in the eyes as I waited for him to ask what I had a feeling he would.

«Would you wanna make this a regular thing? Exchanging phone numbers and meeting up whenever we want a release instead of not knowing if we’ll ever see each other again? I think we’re pretty compatible in bed and I’ve had a better time with you than any old fling I’ve ever had.» He was laying our options on the table, suggesting we become friends with benefits. It had crossed my mind, knowing I wouldn’t object to having a benefit relationship with him. Honestly think it’ll be more beneficial for me and I never thought he’d bring it up.

«I’d be up for that, yeah. Not to make things awkward but you’re a pretty decent lad with a more than satisfying member to be fair. Would be stupid to turn you down - anyone would.» My cheek grew hotter as I spoke, a tint of red covering them I’m sure as I’m clearly not as bold and confident when we’re not in bed or drunk.

Harry only smiled at me as I basically confirmed our new relationship - friends with benefits. It’s been five weeks and too many wet dreams since I met him and knowing I can have him almost whenever I want - and when he wants - is just perfect. If I can give him half as much pleasure as he gives me I’ll be a happy lady, but I will aim to give him mind blowing orgasms every time.

«Didn’t think you’d be up for this sort of deal with the whole police thing.» Looking up from my plate as I ate the last bite of my delicious toast, Harry squinted his eyes at me.

«And why’d you think that?» He didn’t sound irritated or confused but intrigued to know what was going on in my head. Putting my trust in him and being honest is a huge part of us - I think at least - so I washed away all anxiety and worry. Not that he made me have a reason to be anxious around him.

«Just thought you’d be a bit proper and all. Guess that went out the window - along with my knickers - the first time we met, huh?» Snickering at the memory of him throwing my knickers out his window, Harry joined in also thinking back to five weeks ago. Being able to have banter with him is good, makes things less serious as it should be between friends with benefits - I think at least.

“What are you saying then? Wanna give me your number, pet?” Harry looked at me with the happiest smile on his face; there is no way I’m letting neither of us down by denying us having regular hookups. I’d be causing myself pain to not let him fuck me as much as he wants.

“Happily. One tiny condition though, we always meet here cause I have a roommate and I want to keep this between us. Not because I’m ashamed, but because she likes to meddle in my business and it’ll be easier if she doesn’t have proof of anything.” Harry agrees, not wanting anyone else talking about our - not quite so normal - relationship.

It was easy being myself with Harry, he made me feel safe and relaxed. There was no need to keep my guards up around him though we’ve not known each other for long. Not that it mattered much, there were people who got married after only a couple months of knowing each other - which we most definitely will not do.

#harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles angst #harry styles blurb #harry styles ff #writing #harry styles au #harry styles x reader #harry styles x oc #harry styles x y/n #fwb!h #fwb!harry

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btsslowburnfic · 3 years

Text

The Arrangement Ch. 15

Story summary: Desperately in need of money, you answered the questionable ad. AKA-Arranged marriage AU featuring Y/N and Yoongi.

Chapter Summary: Your attempt to help your brother move result in Yoongi meeting your family -_-

Previous Chapter here

TW: as previously mentioned, YN and her brother were abused by their dad. It is mentioned by her brother. Trigger will be labeled before and after by ** ** Yoongi’ song “The Last” is also referenced at the very end, which implies thoughts about self-harm/suicide attempt. But it’s a good, long chapter! There is fluff and humor in it too!

---------------------------

Late last night you received an email from your brother’s school informing you a dorm space had opened up and he could move in as soon as possible. You wanted to check and make sure there wasn’t anything else you should be doing today before you rented a van.

You put on your robe and headed out to the main living area. Half the coffee pot was already gone and you heard light movements from upstairs. You wondered if Yoongi was prone to hangovers or not. You poured yourself a cup of coffee and heard Yoongi pad down the stairs.

“How are you feeling today?” You asked without looking up from your steaming mug.

“A little dehydrated but fine.” He passed you as he headed over to the sink for water. “Really? We’re just wearing robes around the house now?”

You waited, slowly savoring the taste of the hot bean water in your mouth. You swallowed. “You were in your underwear the other day. I think the robe is fine.” You turned dramatically and looked at him. “Unless you prefer just underwear?”

“Aish, don't remind me.” He waved in your direction as though he could dissipate the memory with his hand. It was too early for flirting.

You laughed. “Hey, if it's OK, I'd like to go help my brother move today. A dorm space opened up for him and I'd like to get him settled in before school starts again tomorrow.”

Yoongi leaned against the counter, “Yeah, that's fine. You should do that.”

“Great, thanks!” You turned and went back to the bedroom to get dressed.

When you returned to the main area Yoongi was gone, you didn’t bother checking by the door as you grabbed your purse and slipped on some shoes. You texted your brother to remind him what time you would arrive and then hopped on the train to the car rental place.

Fifteen minutes later you walked in, produced your driver’s license and payment and were then declined.

“What do you mean? I already prepaid online.” You asked the attendant.

“It’s not the payment, it’s your license. You rented the cargo van. You don’t have a license to drive that vehicle, it’s level one.” The man explained, gesturing to a garage full of vehicles as though that explained anything.

“Isn’t it just like a regular van but big?”

“No ma’am it’s more like a box truck. I can get you a regular van but I can’t refund your rental of the cargo van because it was a day-of rental.”

“I had to enter my license to rent the van. Why does it authorize licenses if they aren’t the correct type?” You asked, annoyed. It wasn’t his fault, probably, but that definitely seemed like a crappy thing for the website to allow.

“I understand that ma’am but the website will allow anybody to pay for the van and the driver’s license check is very basic and checks to see if you have one, not the level. Now, would you like to rent a regular van?”

You stood there for a minute weighing your options. “Give me a minute.” You walked over to the waiting area and took out your phone. You opened the BigHit employee portal and scrolled through the services. There were so many options: food delivery, laundry pick up, chauffeur, pet walking, but nothing about hiring a driver for other vehicles. You groaned and dialed Yoongi’s number. Normally you would text but you felt like there was too much to say. The phone rang a few times.

“Hello?” It was surprising to you how deep his voice sounded on the phone.

“Hey...I'm sorry to bother you. Does anybody at the company have a Level 1 driver's license that I can like request via the app? I didn't realize the one I rented is for a license I don't have.” You paused. “This is so embarrassing.” Silence extended from the other side, making you feel awful, like you had probably interrupted something important. You began again, " I can maybe just do it next weekend. I can find somebody by then I'm sure. It’s fine. What’s one more week.”

"I can drive it."

You felt awkward having Yoongi do it."Noooo. Don't worry about it. I can do it next week. I’m sure I can find somebody.”

“Aish send me the address. I'll do it.” He replied, starting to sound irritated.

“Were you busy? You don't have to.”

“You know the company phones have GPS trackers in them? But it will be a hell of a lot faster if you just send me the address.”

You sighed, “Ok. Thank you.”

“See you soon.”

You awkwardly waited at the rental agency, kicking your feet in your chair like a little kid waiting for their parents. After about half an hour you heard the door ding and saw Yoongi walk in. He had traded his sweats for jeans, but otherwise had the same casual shirt and expression.

“Hello sir,” the desk attendant greeted Yoongi. “How may I help you today?”

“I’ve been told I’m here to drive a van.” Yoongi looked your way.

"Oh, are you here for that one?" the guy at the counter gestured at you.

Rude.

Yoongi smirked, “Yep. That one’s mine.”

Your jaw almost dropped. Fucking brat. You walked over. "It's a good thing you're being so helpful darling." You gritted between your teeth. You watched as Yoongi handed over his license and had it scanned without any issues.

“Here you go Mr. Min.” The attendant handed him the keys. You heard him laugh as he took them. He started to walk out to the rental garage with you following.

"’Thanks for coming. I do appreciate it."

"It’s no problem. I mean. You, once again, will owe me dinner. But other than that. It's nothing." He clicked the remote to find the right van. "Why are you renting such a big ass van?"

"Because my family doesn't own a car and I'm an idiot. The website didn't make it look that big. I put in my license and it let me rent it. Don’t you think it should deny it if it knows you can’t drive it?" The two of you stopped in front of the cargo van. It was big. But not that big, you scowled.

"Oh man. I used to drive so much music equipment around in my shit van. This brings back memories." He climbed into the driver's seat. You walked around to the passenger side and stepped up as well. "And lucky for you, I came prepared today." He popped in a CD he'd been stowing in his coat pocket.

"Oh my God. You are the cutest." You said, somewhat accidentally, out loud.

Yoongi paused, and looked over at you. "I am not cute."

You smiled and pinched your fingers together. "A little bit."

He shook his head and put his hand on the gear shift. "Nope. Cue up the GPS."

"The tiniest cute." You typed in the address.

"Feared rapper and music producer. Ice King. Loner. It's in the lyrics, you should listen." He turned the car audio on.

"OK cutie, I know you have stuffed animals in the loft area."

He held a finger up to his lips. "Quiet woman, I'm driving."

You laughed and relaxed into the seat. "I fell asleep on track 5."

He pushed some buttons and you settled in for the car ride.

Yoongi was thankful for the excuse of looking at the road so he couldn’t see your expressions as you listened. He put so much of himself in his lyrics, it was like taking his heart and mind out of his body and showing it to other people. Which for some reason felt fine when it was complete strangers, but felt so weird with someone he knew. He tried to play it cool. He knew he was two songs away from his most personal track.

“Ok, turn in here. We can park here for up to two hours without a permit.” You guided him near an alleyway next to your Aunt’s apartment. You sent a text telling them you were here. “Thanks. You can wait here if you want. I don't know how much packing there is left to do. Sorry. I just got the email this morning. There are also some coffee shops around here or some restaurants. I’m not sure what---”

Yoongi unbuckled his seatbelt and cut you off. “Hey. You don't have to do this by yourself. OK?” He opened the door and got out before you could respond.

You took a few deep breaths and exited the van, walking around to the front to lead the way to the apartment. “Ok thanks. Also I apologize in advance for my Aunt.”

“She won’t be the first Auntie I've met,” Yoongi smirked. “Don't worry, Aunties and Grannies love me.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about. Also sorry in advance for my brother. He seems rude, but it’s just because our family life was so fucked up. He’s a good kid.”

“Hey, I can relate,” Yoongi opened the door for you. “It’s fine. Really.”

“Ack, I don’t think I can do this.” You turned and faced him.

“Do what?” Yoongi asked, perplexed.

“Have you meet my family. It’s. We’re all weirdos. The apartment is so small. It’s embarrassing. I already feel bad that you came and helped me.” You spew out everything at once, your anxiety levels suddenly spiking.

Yoongi sighed and put his hands in his pockets. “Hey. It’s fine. I was going to meet them eventually anyways right? Might as well be before the wedding,” He teased you.

You were surprised. This was the first time he had mentioned anything about the other part of your contract. It had always been you teasing him about it.

“I guess so.” You took a deep breath. “Ok. Just...please...Remember. We’ve been through a lot.” You suddenly felt so vulnerable as you pushed the elevator button. You led the way to your old apartment and unlocked the door.

“Aunt Vi, I’m here.” You yelled from the foyer as the two of you slipped your shoes off.

“Oh finally, I was getting worried, you’re over an hour late and you're usually so prompt and hello young man.” Aunt Vi stopped dead in her tracks as she arrived in front of the two of you.

“Hello. Min Yoongi, nice to meet you.” He bowed.

Your Aunt gaped like a fish for a moment and eyed you. “Yes of course, I’m Vi.. And this is…?”

“My boss, Auntie. He drove the van today. Apparently giant ass vans need a special license.” You smiled sheepishly.

“Do not use such language in front of your boss, young lady.” She scolded.

Yoongi cleared his throat to hide a laugh. It was unusual seeing someone boss you around for a change.

“Yes of course, sorry Auntie. I’m very sorry, Mr. Min.”

“That’s better. Now come in. You, help Jihoon pack, Mr. Min come join me for tea.”

She turned around and you gave Yoongi a stank look while he silently laughed at you. You flipped him the middle finger while he acted offended.

Auntie Vi turned around, “That is of course if he wants some.”

The two of you pretended to be perfect angels once again, “That would be lovely Aunt Vi.” He responded, sounding like a boy scout. You rolled your eyes at him the minute your aunt turned her back. You left the two of them as they headed to the kitchen and you went to the living room.

Your brother was packing up some books into one of the boxes when you walked over.

“Hey. Make sure the books go into a few small boxes instead of one big one, or they’ll be too heavy to carry.” You said as you grabbed another empty box and started to pack some things.

“Yeah ,ok. Those other two boxes are books as well. There should be a bookcase in the dorm. I think all my friend’s rooms have one.”

“Ok great, I’ll label them.” You walked into the kitchen to grab a sharpie and briefly overheard Vi and Yoongi. Yep. She was in love, you smirked and headed back to help your brother.

You were surprised when you walked past the hallway and saw two blankets on the floor, slowly moving. You smiled and paused, “Huh. What strange moving blankets.” You heard a set of giggles and continued on your way.

Your brother and you continued to put items into boxes and the blankets continued to slowly wriggle down the hallway until they made it to the corner. Your sister and niece sat up and pressed their tiny bodies against the wall, straining to see who the mysterious voice belonged to. You looked over and smiled.

Aunt Vi paused for a second and heard the faint sound of giggles and “shhhh”

“There better not be any little girls eavesdropping,” She said. Everyone in the apartment heard the sounds of stomping and running down the hallway, followed by a door shutting. Vi sighed and Yoongi laughed.

You set down the roll of tape and walked back to the bedroom. "Come on out girls." You led the way for them down the hallway. They nervously stood in the kitchen in front of Yoongi and your Aunt.

“Mr. Min, this is my sister, Hayoon, and my niece, Sooah.” You introduced them as they bowed deeply, as though they had been preparing for this moment for their whole lives.

Yoongi smiled warmly at them, “It’s a pleasure to meet you ladies.” You could see your niece already blushing. These girls were boy crazy already and you were sure they would relive this moment over and over again. They managed to squeak out a “you too.” Before they looked around awkwardly about what to do next.

“Alright girls, either help move boxes or git.” You prompted them. They looked at each other and then scrambled back to the bedroom, giggling the whole way. You sighed and went back to packing. Fortunately since your brother was living on the couch, he didn’t have a lot to pack. In retrospect you probably didn’t need the van. Oh well. Better to be over prepared than underprepared, you mused.

You walked into the kitchen, “Excuse me, may I have the keys please? It’s time to start loading.”

Yoongi stood up, “Yeah sure, let’s go.”

You looked at him, “Oh no sir. I could not expect you to carry the boxes. Keys please.” You held out your hand.

Yooongi scoffed, “I can carry boxes.”

Aunt Vi quietly cleared her throat, “That would be too much surely. Won’t you please sit down and I’ll make you some lunch.”

Ah the intersectionality of age and class rank here were making your head spin, but you knew that he couldn’t turn down lunch from your Aunt, even as she turned around and he placed the keys in your hand while making a very strange face you couldn’t quite identify. You raised your eyebrows. Taking the keys, you pulled out your phone.

YN: She’s a good cook, don’t worry. Sorry this is taking so long.

You and your brother each grabbed some boxes and started to move them out by the elevators. After about fifteen minutes you checked your phone.

YG: I feel weird not helping

YN: You did help, you drove the van

YG: That doesn’t count

YN: Yes it does

You returned to the apartment where you saw Yoongi had somehow inserted himself into the kitchen and was cooking alongside Aunt Vi. That’s it, you thought, she’s never going to not mention him again. You sighed. Grabbing the last few boxes you and Jihoon began to fill the elevator and slowly move the items closer and closer to the van. An hour later it was all packed up.

“How was your soup?” You asked as you came back into the apartment, ripping off your sweatshirt. You had started off cold, but were now glistening with sweat.

“Really good, thanks again Auntie,” Yoongi looked over to Vi.

“Oh please, he’s the one who ended up doing most of the cooking. Are you single Mr. Min? Are you allowed to date your employees?--------”

Oh God it was happening, you were shocked it had taken this long honestly.

“Because even though YN isn’t much to look at, she’s a very hardworking girl.”

“We gotta go. Time to leave. Is there any leftover soup for Jihoon?” You asked as you cut her off and started scrambling around the kitchen for a takeaway container.

“There’s plenty of soup, grab some for Jihoon. Not for you though, you don’t need the calories.”

Oh God she was going full blown Auntie on your ass. Help. You looked over to Yoongi, mortified, but he was just standing there, the tiniest smile playing on his lips. He briefly flicked his eyes in your direction, causing you to feel flustered.

“Anyways, you should keep her in mind. Our family is unlucky, but we do try to make up for it.”

“I have the Soup, can we please leave now? We have to return the van.” You grabbed your purse, sweater, soup, and coat.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Yoongi said calmly. “Thank you for your hospitality Auntie. I hope to see you again soon :] .” He walked over near the door, put on his coat and took the soup from you.

“Put your coat on.” He chided

“I’m sweaty.” You responded

“You won’t be when you get back outside.”

You huffed but complied anyways. The poor man had suffered through an hour and a half of your family, you weren’t about to argue with him.

Your brother was waiting in the van with his headphones on listening to music. You climbed into the middle seat.

“Oh my God I am so sorry.” You said the minute the door closed.

“It’s fine. Like I said, not my first Auntie. She’s nice.”

“She called me ugly and told me not to eat.” You whined. “Hey...speaking of you called me ugly too the first time we met.”

Your brother took off his headphones; apparently interested in this conversation.

Yoongi rubbed the back of his neck. “Did I say that to you? That doesn't seem like something I would say.”

“Well, no. But you didn’t disagree with me when I said it.” You side eyed him.

He laughed, “I think you know you’re not ugly. You don’t need me to tell you that.” He pulled out onto the main street.

“I don’t know. Having heard it every day of her life growing up, it might not be a bad thing to not say to her.” You heard Jihoon say from next to you.

You tensed up briefly. “Jihoon, it’s a joke. Everyone else at the interview was literally a supermodel. Everyone.”

“Sorry. People calling my sister ugly doesn’t seem very funny to me.” He said and moodily turned to face the window.

This was the kind of awkward you were worried about. “Sorry. Jihoon is a little protective. Also he doesn’t understand jokes.” You tried to lighten the mood by teasing. It did not work.

“Jokes are supposed to be funny. I understand that.” He said snidely from the passenger’s seat.

You sighed, “Anyways, thanks again for driving. You’ll turn right here and then there should be signs for the school in about 4 kilometers.”

Yoongi was very quiet. He didn’t want to piss your brother off again. You pushed play on the audio, welcoming a change of pace from the quiet. To your shock, he hit the pause button. “Let’s listen to it later.” He said quietly to you. He didn’t think the lyrics would put your brother in a better mood and he also didn’t particularly feel like sharing the vulnerable side of himself at the moment.

“Is it normal to tell someone they can’t listen to music in a car? Asking for a friend.”

“Stop being an asshole Jihoon. Mr. Min was nice enough to drive the van for us today to move you into the dorm. And to give me a job to pay for the dorm. You need to be more respectful.” The phrase came out of your mouth before you could even stop it. It was a triggering phrase for both of you and you instantly regretted it.

**************

“Right.” Your brother said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Be more respectful. Just because someone’s older than you they deserve your respect no matter what. That’s what dad always said while he was beating us, remember?”

***************

You rolled your eyes, unable to keep your cool. “Oh my God. You’re supposed to be working through this shit in therapy not in a fucking moving van with me and my boss. I am so sorry.” You said to Yoongi who was trying very hard to pretend he wasn’t in the van at that exact moment.

“I didn’t ask to be in a moving van with you and your boss and I didn’t ask to be moved into the dorms today.” He argued back.

“You’d rather still be on the couch at Aunt Vi’s? I can unload all this shit and cancel your room. I can totally do that right now.” You snapped at him.

Jihoon huffed angrily. Such a moody teen.

“I’ll take that as a “no”,” you responded. “Yoongi, I am so sorry.”

“For the record, does your boss know our dad's a fucking psycho?” Your brother said in English. You had done terribly in English and hadn’t touched it since High School. You understood the word Fuck though and were getting ready to scold you brother

Yoongi didn't want to overstep his bounds, but at the same time, your brother was being a rude little shit. The whole reason you had agreed to marry a guy you didn’t know was to take care of this ungrateful child. Before he could help himself, he responded in perfect English, “Yeah, I heard you dad was an asshole. And I'm sorry that happened to you. It shouldn’t have and it really sucks. But your sister works her ass off for you.”

Yoongi was pissed. You could tell that much by the tone. You understood sister and that was about it. Or maybe he said sweater. But it was probably sister.

Your brother was clearly surprised by whatever he heard and also mildly irritated. “What do you know about any of that?”

“I know that in her job interview all she talked about was you and your little sister and how she worries about the two of you and that’s why she took a job where she is on call 24/7 and why she’s worked 2 jobs for the past 7 years.”

You understood the number 2. That was it. This was a passionate discussion on Yoongi’s part. You were getting ready to speak after several seconds of silence filled the van.

Your brother twisted his body and looked at Yoongi. “---Do you….do you like my sister?””

More silence. What the hell were they talking about?

Yoongi cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably, continuing to look straight ahead at the road. “I do. And we’re being rude by having a conversation that she can’t understand. So please stop it.”

Your brother paused for a moment before replying in Korean ”… Yes, hyung.”

“If he's being rude let me know and I'll take his lunch money. I will literally untransfer funds.” You said, eyeing the two of them suspiciously. “I know how to say “fuck” in English and I definitely heard it.”

“It’s fine. It’s fine.” Yoongi replied. “Here, we can also listen to the word ‘fuck’ some more.” he turned the music back on. Since everyone else was having free therapy in the van, why not join? One song played before you all arrived at the dorms.

“Go round up some strapping young men to carry these boxes. I have to find your RA.” You told your brother as Yoongi parked the van. He hopped out quickly, all too eager to escape. You rested your head against the headrest and pushed your hands against your eyes. “I am so sorry. Today has been a total nightmare. Worse than I even imagined.” You said, feeling like you might cry.

Yoongi sat there for a few seconds, reliving the afternoon. It had actually been mostly fun for him. “I had a good time. I got to meet your family and I got free soup.”

You looked over at him slightly bewildered. “We need to raise your standards for what a good day should look like Yoongi, because this was a total shit show.”

“Hey, don’t cry. I hate it when people cry. Your brother has been through a lot. It’s fine. Really. I too was an angry rude teenager and I didn’t have nearly as good of a reason. Come on, let’s finish this shit and get the van back.” He unbuckled his seatbelt.

You followed suit and entered the dormitory, following the signs. You introduced yourself to the RA, got the keys, and found your brother and two other guys standing outside the van. You recognized the one kid.

“Hey Noona,” He waved. You liked that one.

Yoongi had apparently started unloading the boxes while you were meeting with the RA. You picked up one of the smaller boxes and headed up to the dorm. With the 5 of you, it didn’t take long to move all the boxes into the dorm. You placed the soup into the mini-fridge. You sighed and looked around at the mountains of boxes, “Ok. Do you want me to stick around for the unpacking or….?”

"No. We'll get it." Jihoon responded and walked with you out into the hallway. Yoongi was leaning against the wall near the elevators, scrolling through his phone.

"Thanks. And I'm sorry about earlier." He said looking down.

"It's OK, come here." You pulled him in for a hug. He was taller than you. When did that happen? You squeezed extra tight and then pulled away, "Make sure to answer my texts or else I'll show up here. And I have your RA’s number. Got it?”

"Yeah yeah." he looked around.

You looked up at him and brushed some invisible dirt off his shoulder, "OK. I love you. "

" I love you too. "

With that you turned and joined Yoongi by the elevators." Let today end please. " You said, crossing your arms in front of your body.

"Nope. Not yet. You still owe me dinner," he commented as the two of you entered the elevator.

You sulked , "You got soup."

"You haven't eaten yet."

You shrugged. It was true. But you were upset and when you were upset you either wanted to eat everything or nothing. Today you felt like nothing.

The two of you climbed into the van one last time. You rested your head against the window and listened to the music. Yoongi gripped the steering wheel tightly as ‘The Last’ began to play.

He glanced a look over at you. Your jaw was firmly set and he saw tears rolling down your cheeks. Shit. This was not a good day for this. He paused the music.

"Sorry, that's pretty heavy for today isn't it?" The car came to a stop at a light and the silence was palpable.

You breathed out, trying to keep it level. "Sorry, just. You and my brother have that in common." You wiped your eyes as you tried not to cry. You took pride in generally being pretty stoic and good-natured.

The light turned green. "I guess we're all just fucked up, huh?"

You sniffled. "Yeah. It just hurts my heart to think about a world where you or my brother don't exist."

Yoongi felt like someone had hit him with a ton of bricks. He swallowed through the lump forming in his throat as he managed a response, "Well, we're still here. That's what matters. Right?” He tried to sound positive.

“Yeah. I’m glad for that. Turn left.” NEXT CHAPTER @lidda @anpanman-sonyeondan @firefairy1 @cuteipat @sugaslittlekookies @janeelizabeth1216 @deeepvibes @gxldenhunny @livelyjay @niniita-ah

#bts writing #bts fic #bts suga x you #suga x you #yoongi x you #bts yoongi x reader #bts yoongi #bts suga x reader #suga x reader #suga x y/n #yoongi x reader #yoongi x y/n

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blooeyedtroll · 3 years

Text

Home on the Range

Rated PG-13ish Lolz. For occasional cussing and maybe innuendos(?). Lolz. This can also be read on Ao3. Feel free to read it there if you prefer.

More art scattered though out this fic, hope you like it!

Hello friend! Welcome!

This is a One shot fic that takes place in mine & @messybitch802 ‘s :

Efflorescence AU.

This is the beginning of our tale, I hope you enjoy.

This is in Hickory’s POV. I thought this would be a fun way to introduce Bloo and Messy. It also seemed fitting since Hickory will play a larger part as our tale unfolds.

However, I’d like to think this could be enjoyed as a fun one-shot Hickory & Dickory fic as well. This fandom needs more Yodel Brothers content!

Big thanks to @jade-green-butterfly and her random ask that kicked my butt in gear, giving me the inspiration to finally start writing:

Anyway, let’s get to it. Enjoy!:

HOME ON THE RANGE

"Rock Trolls... no doubt about that.”

The rugged, orange haired Troll put down his hammer and stepped away from the task at hand. Fence work could wait. This needed his immediate attention. Around this time of day he'd expect to see, at most, a tumbleweed passing by the entrance to the Ranch. Maybe. Nobody ever came out this way. Not since he'd been here anyway. At a good clip, it was about an hour trek away from Lonesome Flats. Which suited his needs perfectly.

The perfect place to lay low and still blend in.

"Bist du sicher?" whispered a muffled voice behind him.

"Of course I am. Now hush, I'm gonna check it out. Stay in character. An’ be ready, just in case."

The orange haired Troll patted the front of his jeans, freeing them of a satisfying amount of dust from the day’s hard work and checked his reflection in a nearby trough. Grinning as he placed a straw of wheat that was kept in the brim of his hat; between his teeth.

Perfection.

Who would guess otherwise, that the reflection in that water, was anything but a genuine Country Troll?

It took a lot of work shopping, trial and error, but he did it.

Well, they did it. The four legged, rugged, handsome, Country Troll was in actuality...two Trolls.

Two brothers to be precise.

Yodel Trolls by the names of Hickory and Dickory.

The last Yodel Trolls by their accounts, and they happened to be the best damn team of Bounty Hunters and Mercenaries in all of Trolldom.

For good reason.

The best tool to their disposal was their ability to blend in. So much so, it was only until it was “too late” for their marks, by the time their true colors were revealed. And this disguise has been their best yet.

Hickory, though the youngest brother, was the much taller of the two. So he was the face to this particular get-up. Making Dickory to be left with the tail end. Literally. Understandably, this was not ideal for him.

And he definitely made it well known on many occasions how he felt about having to play a literal “horse’s ass”.

But by gum, was he the best ass you could ask for.

At this point, Dickory had mastered the art of synchronizing with Hickory's movements, in such a way, it was now practically impossible to spot anything amiss. It was as if they shared one mind while under the guise of this centaur-esk being.

And while Dickory was fairly sour about the whole situation, Hickory found himself more and more, fond of living day to day as a Country Troll. Very much so to his brother’s shagrin. The look, the music, the lifestyle...everything.

It had been two months now since the brothers found themselves here, in Country Music territory. However, last anyone on the outside had heard about them, was that they had "yodelled so hard, an avalanche fell on them"...or something? Which was just what they wanted. For the time being anyway.

The brothers had struck a deal with their last mark.

For his freedom, he was to spread said rumor, so the Yodelers could lay low for a while.

Queen Barb, of the Hard Rock Trolls, was no stranger to the two brothers. As a matter of fact, she was one of their most frequent clients for the past few years. Which suited them just fine. Well, almost. The last few jobs they did for the young Queen, left a bitter taste in Hickory's mouth. Not so much for the tasks she asked of them, but because of something she said and what he saw on their last few visits to Volcano Rock City. Maps. Marked up. Plans of some sort. Hanging everywhere. The young ruler, looking the most tired he'd ever seen her, yet looking as if ready to burst from being too tightly wound, at any moment.

"Hopefully next time I see you dudes, one way or another, we'll all be singing to a different tune. It's gonna be so Rad."

Whatever was going on, both Yodelers agreed that it was definitely not worth getting caught up in. They could just feel it. Deep down. They were hired to track Trolls down and do what needed to do, to get by.

Both of them could be shady characters at times, but they had decent moral compasses to live by. So they told themselves.

That's why the presence of Rock Trolls at this moment made Hickory's blood run cold. Could it be possible somehow, some way, they had been found out? That whatever Queen Barb was up to, she was looking for them? What is it that she’d need them for anyway?

No. Their plan worked perfectly. Blend in as a Country Troll, lay low for a while, only do the occasional "job" when the opportunity presented itself, just until the Queen of Rock cooled her head or went through with... whatever she is planning.

Not a soul knew about Hickory and Dickory being here.

Well.

Unless you counted, July.

Miss July, the owner of the Ranch. A rather interesting Troll.

A Pop-Country Troll. The only mixed genre Troll around these parts. Unlike her four legged, centaur, Country loving neighbors; she walked on two legs... well, hooves. Her appearance could be compared to a more "Satyr" like build, with a perfect blend of both genres in her appearance. The bright colors of a Pop Troll, but the sturdy build of that of a Country Troll.

A Tough, stern older lady-Troll, with a heart of gold.

Running this place all on her own, while tending to her extremely elderly parents.

That's one of the reasons he never expected any visitors here. Nobody in town wanted anything to do with Miss July or her family. Didn't much like associating with “their kind” if they could help it. Though you'd never hear them say it in polite conversation. But that suited Miss July just fine. That's how she liked it. Ever since Miss July and her folks suffered a terrible loss to their family, decades ago, she rarely went into town if she could help it.

Which on one such occasion, is when she stumbled upon the Yodelers, in their first attempts at putting together their “Country Persona”.

They had been camping not too far from her Ranch and the Town, when she found them both, struggling to even walk in time together, in a pair of poorly made four legged pants.

July took their word as Gospel. That they were just fulfilling a lifelong dream of wanting to, in some way, be a Country Troll. So she offered them a place to stay and to show them the ropes on what it meant to be a Country Troll. If they agreed to work for her at her family’s Ranch.

"Until you feel you can stand on yer own four hooves!' She teased.

It could be easily wagered that July being an outcast in her own community, could be a factor of sympathy she felt towards them, making her wanting to help any way she could, and possibly what made her not judgmental in the least. That, and as tough as she put herself on as, she was sweet as apple pie, through and through.

Which did make Hickory especially, feel guilty about not being more upfront with her. As much as he could be anyhow.

Especially so, when the occasional “job opportunity" presented itself around Lonesome Flats during the Yodelers free time. Turns out, there were plenty of Trolls who had a bone to pick with others, or needed matters settled around these parts. Not to mention, crooks-a-plenty to turn in.

But both brothers always repented. By being very diligent working for Miss July on the Ranch. Anything she needed done, got done. It was the least they could do for what she had done for them for these last two months. So the last thing needed was for anything to get ugly around here.

As Hickory approached closer and closer, he could feel his brother tensing up.

"Easy.” He whispered under his breath, smirking, patting behind him in attempts to calm his hotheaded companion. While still maintaining a nonchalant and calm demeanor.

Having spent a fair amount of time in Volcano Rock City for past jobs, and even on several occasions for other clients; needing to spend time incognito as Rock Trolls, it was fairly easy to recognize them from afar.

Upon closer inspection, it did come across as rather curious to see them wearing Country attire. They couldn't be trying to blend in, could they?

No. Not by the way these two held themselves.

One Troll in various shades of blue in appearance, the other in peculiar shades of green from toe to tip. Both faces, still covered by wide brimmed hats. The blue Troll's demeanor was nervous right from the jump. Their green companion, holding them by the hand, grounding them. As if to keep them from sprinting away at a moment's notice. Both looking tired from the trek they must have taken from town to get to the Ranch property and from the sun's unforgiving afternoon rays.

Nothing but what seemed to be electric guitars and simple backpacks on their backs. However, these were definitely the most impressive guitars Hickory had seen in all his life.

The blue Troll’s, from what he could make out, was sage in color and looked as if it was made of some large critter's battered wing. Almost bat or reptilian in nature. The green Troll’s guitar, an imposing, venomous violet, crafted by what could only could be guessed as being once the claw and stinger of some scorpion-type critter. One he certainly wouldn't want to tango with.

Lackeys of Queen Barb’s? No... couldn't be.

"Nobody knows we're here"

"We've been so careful."

He repeated over and over to himself. Almost mantra-like. He really had no reason to be this paranoid he kept reminding himself.

“Who are the most feared Bounty Hunters and Mercenaries in all Trolldom?”

“The Yodel brothers. That's who.” He smirked at that last thought. Puffing his broad chest a bit more, in response to his inner pep-talk.

And no Troll, no matter now--

"H--Howdy!" The blue Troll, clearing their voice, shakily called out.

"Right fine day, isn't it?"

The traveler seemed to ease into the drawl like putting on an old pair of comfy shoes, and with each word, their confidence seemed to boost. Stepping forward from their green companion, they removed their wide brim hat and gandered up at Hickory, with a small smile that damn near made his heart leap through his throat. In a good way?

That was...unexpected.

His usual quick witted mind and tongue, on the spot turned into a train that just left the station.

Those eyes. Absolutely pierced him right through. Large, inquisitive, pale, cerulean eyes. Staring right at him under dark lashes, and surrounded by a cascade of cobalt freckles.

The closest shade of color he could compare those eyes to were a color he hadn't thought of in ages. Snow. Snow that as a Trolling he played in. Usually when you found yourself making forts or laying in heeps that came up so high, you would look, and you'd catch the glimmering sunlight, shining through it. A shade of blue that just melted you to the core and drew out a smile, without you being the wiser.

"Right fine.” he responded. Recovering from his wandering mind.

No time to be side tracked by an adorable, freckled, blue-eyed Troll. With sweet, curvy features, who has solid looking muscles that look they could easily crush--

"How can I help you? You folks seem a bit far away from home. Don't get a lot of Rock Trolls around these parts.”

Thank goodness his voice seemed to be the one on track; at the task at hand.

“Oi! What’s that supposed to mean?”

The green Troll stepped forward, hotly, removing their own hat, as to glare directly at him. Sizing him up. Only a tad taller, but much more lithe in figure to their companion. Definitely much more fierce. Not just in attitude, but in appearance. Their eyes, deep as sapphires. Teeth, the bottom row protruding two large tusk-like lower canines. Ears, pointed back and just as sharp as their claws, which he found himself one the other end of, being pointed at. Just as he felt his hair prickle, preparing himself for what was bound to happen next, the tension was immediately neutralized.

"It's okay Mess” The blue Troll cooed, calming the green one.

"Sorry to just come on over uninvited, but uh, does a Troll named July still live here?"

"You mean Miss July? Sure does. Why, if You don't mind my askin’?"

"Well you see, she's my... can--can I please talk to her? If she's around here today?”

A good long pause washed over the three.

Hickory could feel the trepidation radiating from Dickory behind him as he swished "their tail' in annoyance. Normally, if this was any other situation, it'd be too bad for these two. He'd send them right on their way, or worse if it came to it. They seemed capable. They had guitars, they were Rock Trolls. Random Rock Trolls, showing up, asking for not himself or his brother, but Miss July. Out of all the Country Trolls in Lonesome Flats.

But the waves of anxiety radiating from this freckled Troll were massive; and when their friend wasn't staring daggers at his direction, they were gazing so tenderly and sympathetically at them. These weren't agents of Queen Barbs. These seemed like folks on a sad mission of delivering news, or something of the like. They looked as though this was the last place they would ever want to be.

Dickory always insisted that Hickory was too quick to let his heart think first before his head when it came to their line of work. He didn't see it that way though. Hickory thought himself a good judge of character. Hell, that's why they found themselves in this situation now. Tipping his hat in a friendly manner, he smiled at the two.

"Well, why dontcha follow me then. I'm sure Miss July is making lunch right about now. You folks are just in time. Name's Hickory"

"Messy." replied the green.

The blue Troll remained silent.

"Adorabull got yer tongue cutie?" he teased

Those freckled cheeks lit up in seconds, a flushed lavender. Too cute.

"Somethin' like that' They smiled sheepishly.

All the while, as Hickory walked with the two up to the main building on the property, they stuck to idle chit-chat. About the weather or the nearby town. They passed by many of the fences that housed just some of Miss July's critters. As well as a few stables, paddocks, a decent sized workshed, and the small house the Yodelers had been staying in since they arrived here. It was once they passed that particular building, the blue Rocker stopped in their tracks momentarily. Just staring. Almost trance-like. They only moved again once Messy had firmly grabbed their hand and they followed.

Finally, they reached the main building's porch. The family home. Without any prompting, the two travelers waited at the bottom steps of the porch. Hickory nodded, thinking that might be best. He walked up to the open door. The wafting aroma of today's lunch filling his nostrils. Chili with sweet rolls? If he wasn't mistaken, he could smell fresh squeezed lemonade too. Knowing better to barge in while she was in the Kitchen...

"Pardon me, Miss July?" he called out.

"Dammit Hic, I told ya once, I'll tell ya again. Lunch is on when I ring the damn bell, that's when it’s good and ready!"

Hickory couldn't help but chuckle. That July was a firecracker.

"It's got nothin' to do with that Miss. You see, You've got yourself some visitors."

"For the last time Hic, just call me Jul--"

July emerged from the doorway, holding in each hand a glass of lemonade with mint garnish. No doubt as something to appease the Yodelers until lunch was done. As soon as her eyes met the two travelers, she stopped dead in her tracks. Glaring at them something fierce.

"These two are the visitors I was talkin' about."

"Rock Trolls, huh? Here? Whaddya want?"

The blue traveler, clearing their throat, voice cracking; they smiled, eyes glazed and sparkling with unshed tears. Staring at July as if a secret wish had been granted.

"Aunty Ju-Ju? It's m-me. It's Bloo. I'm home."

Bloo? That Bloo? Could it really be? Hickory didn't need to dwell on that too long though. July suddenly yelped out loud, in such a way that it startled absolutely everyone. Including herself apparently because those glasses in her hands dropped and shattered to bits.

"You couldn't be-- w-what kind of game are ya playin’ at?!"

July at a loss for words. This was serious. There she stood, knees buckling, lip quivering, tail thrashing. Unable to look away from the Troll in front of them at the end of her porch. A look of torment across their face.

Slowly, the freckled Troll smiled sadly, and reached behind their back for their instrument. Hickory acted quickly, putting himself between the two. Staring intently at the Rocker. They stared back, as they slowly brought the instrument forward.

"Please. Let me play?"

Hickory's nostrils flared, biting down hard on the straw in his mouth. How was he so stupid? Well, he wouldn't be fooled this time.

*~strum~*

Though the guitar was imposing and electric, with a stroke of their hand, it played a long, twangy, unmistakable, Country cord.

Silence.

Laying a hand on Hickory's shower, July gently moved him aside, her attention almost trance-like on the player. Waiting.

As if they understood, they shifted and picked up their guitar in earnest. Strumming again, but to a much more upbeat melody. Much more upbeat than most Country music Hickory had heard around town that he grew to enjoy. This sounded more... Pop? Much more like something he'd hear July singing on a day she was in a particularly good mood. Or something July’s elderly mother, the Pop Troll of the family might hum.

That's when they began to sing along, starting off slowly and gaining strength with each note. A large smile on their face as tears cascaded down their round cheeks. As if putting on the show of their lives. It was raw, and beautiful.

"She loves rock ‘n’ roll,

they said it's demons’ tongue,

She thinks they're too old.

They think she's too young,

And the battle lines are clearly drawn.”

“She's a wild one,

with an angel's face,

She's a lovely Troll in a state of grace,

When she was three years old on her daddy's knee,

He said you can be anythin’ you wanna be.

She's a wild one.

Runnin' free."

“She has future plans,

and dreams at night,

they tell her life is hard,

she smiles, sayin’ “that’s alright”, yeah!”

“She’s a wild one,

With an angel’s face,

She’s a lovely Troll in a state of grace,

When she was three years old on her daddy’s knee,

He said you can be anythin’ you wanna be.

She’s a wild one.

Runnin’ free.”

"She's a wild one”~~

"~~Runnin' free.” July finished and sobbed the last line.

"That was the song I wrote for your Mama... all them years ago..My Bloo. My little ‘Bloo-Jay’ came home!"

Hickory stood fully aside now, allowing the two to embrace, for what he now had realized had been the first time in more than two decades. An embrace that both warmed and broke your heart, all at the same time. This was July's pride and joy. Her niece. Bloo, the only child of July's older sister June.

June and July were extremely close sisters. Best friends even.

June was a very free spirited Troll who fancied herself a part-time singer at one of the local bars in town. On one of these trips to town, she met a traveling Rock Troll by the name of Ziggy. Busking for food and drink. Let's just say, it didn't take long at all until wedding bells were ringing and Ziggy was part of the happy family here on the Ranch. The couple waited a while before having a Trolling. The two were busy enjoying married life, Ziggy took June traveling, fulfilling her dreams of seeing life outside Lonesome Flats. And wherever they went, they were singing up a storm. When they returned home to settle down, at any bar or club, or bingo hall that would have them, they continued singing their hearts out. Occasionally even dragging July along. The three of them became inseparable. Especially after Bloo was born. The townsfolk even seemed to warm up to the entire, oddball family. It was all turning up roses for the family finally, after what felt like ages of trying to live in harmony. But it all came to a crushing end.

Shortly after Bloo turned five years old, a serious, contagious illness spread throughout Lonesome Flats. Most folks who caught it, eventually recovered, but there were eight fatalities in the end. June was one of them. The family was torn to pieces by June’s passing. Ziggy just wasn't the same Troll after. A year passed and just as they thought things might slowly start looking up, Ziggy and Bloo were gone.

Apparently he had packed himself and Bloo up one night, and just left without a word. July knew he had family back home in Volcano Rock City, and figured that is where he would take Bloo to raise them. But July dared not go there. For good reason. A Pop-Country Troll, travel to Volcano Rock City? Demand her niece back from a heartbroken father? While leaving her extremely elderly parents to fend for themselves? No. July would be turned away or torn to pieces. King Thrash at the time was feared for good reason in those days and most Trolls feared Rock Trolls the most out of all the other Tribes.

July and her folks basically moved on by learning to mourn the loss of June, Bloo, and Ziggy. They never expected to ever see Bloo or Ziggy again. Yet here Bloo was. Embracing their aunt, while Hickory and Messy looked on fondly. His smile grew wider as he realized how overjoyed July's folks: Clay and May, would be to see their grand-baby again. Something they thought they'd never live to see.

He could see it now that he got a better look at Bloo, as they were bombarded with kisses and hugs, that they did share a little resemblance to their Pop-Country Aunt. Though without a doubt, they took after their father Ziggy the most. No wonder Bloo wasn't easily recognizable at first glance, they looked so different in comparison to how they looked back then as a Trolling.

Who would have thought that he'd meet the Troll who's childhood pictures adorned the home he and his brother were staying in? Which happened to be Bloo's Old family home on the Ranch. The same house they had stopped to stare at on their way to the main house.

"Small world we live in!” He barked with laughter.

"Welcome home Miss Bloo, glad to meetcha." And he meant it, whole heartedly.

"Glad to be home again.”

END.

(Song used was Faith Hill’s ‘Wild One’. Tweaked for this story)

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zevlors-tail · 4 years

Note

Heyyy! Is it okay to request something? If so could I request nightmare comfort? I don’t mind which character!💕 I move a lot in my sleep and sometimes wake up 2 or 3 times throughout the night, I also notice when I’m about to wake up from a nightmare I kick my feet around like I’m running away. I’m also v cuddly and clingy (to my pillows ;~;) if not, that’s okay! Thank you 💛

A/N: I hope this was okay! Just some background real quick, I wrote the reader as a pro hero working at UA for plot purposes and for pairing purposes. I also hope I picked a character you like. I don’t actually have this character listed on my writing list but I remembered seeing a post of yours saying they were a comfort character for you, so I picked them because of that. <3 Hope this helps.

You tossed and turned, darkened images flashing under your eyelids as you dreamed of awful, twisted things. No matter how many times you’d seen them, no matter how many times the nightmares repeated themselves in your mind, you would never get used to the horrific scenes that unfolded while you slept. On nights like these, there was hardly any peaceful rest for you.

You woke up for the second time that night, legs kicking behind you as you cried out silently to no one and struggled to regain consciousness. You were so tired of the sleepless nights...and tired in general. Finally bolting upright, your breaths came ragged and shaky as you looked around quickly to gain your bearings. Your room looked just the same as it always did; hero costume hanging on the closet door handle in case of emergency, last night’s clothes strewn about on the floor, and bed sheets pulled halfway off the bed, no thanks to your restlessness. Familiar though it was, it brought you little comfort as you sighed, exasperated, and let yourself fall back down.

Nothing helped. Night after night, you saw the same things, different things, anything your mind deemed terrifying enough to pass as nightmare fuel. You’d tried everything you could think of to stop them. Warm milk before bed, listening to music while you slept, leaving the TV on for background noise, even sleeping during the day and drinking relaxing teas to calm yourself even though you didn’t like tea in the first place. But all of those things just seemed to make it even worse- the milk only made you feel sick, the music and TV noise only played into your dreams, and now you felt tired 24/7 with a wacky sleeping schedule. And the teas? Well, they were just gross. All of it did nothing to lessen the amount of terror you felt in your sleep, let alone calm you down before or after your awful dreams. And tonight, it was especially bad.

Your heart was still hammering in your chest, your hands balled into fists as you tried to forget the things you had just seen. It had been a very, very long time since your brain decided to plague you with such gruesome and horrific things, and you were suffering tremendously from it. Usually you could gain your bearings and force yourself back to sleep within the same hour you awoke, but tonight was different. Tonight, you couldn’t get back to sleep no matter how hard you tried. You felt more than restless, more than tired, more than exhausted with yourself and your mind. An hour passed, and then another, and another, and before you knew it your clock read 2:30am on a Friday morning as you lay there, wide awake, drained for all you were worth.

You needed something to do. You couldn’t just stay here and suffer; you needed move. Come on, you told yourself, it shouldn’t be that hard. Maybe if I wear myself down. Yes, that’s it, maybe a walk would help. Even if it’s past curfew...but, does that really apply to teachers? You sucked in a breath of air, mentally preparing yourself to get up. When you felt you were ready, you swung your legs over the edge of your bed and brought your hands to your face, rubbing harshly as if that could take away the stress you were feeling. It did nothing to help.

One random pair of pants and your favorite jacket later, you were headed out the door and on your way. The night air caused goosebumps to raise on your skin as you trekked around the dorms at UA silently, the only light illuminating your path from the round moon poised high above in the sky. The stars glittered over your head without clouds to obstruct their view, and the only noise you heard was the occasional chirp of a cricket and the hooting of the local owls that liked to nest in the trees nearby. Every so often you whipped your head around to look behind you and make sure you weren’t being followed, your nightmares leaving you spooked even on what should have been a peaceful walk. Was there any aspect of your life that they didn’t completely consume? Would you ever feel normal?

You were so busy looking behind you at the time that you didn’t notice the person in front of you until it was too late. Just as you were swiveling your head back around, you face planted into someone’s chest and let out a strangled noise of terror, suddenly sure that your horrid dreams had come alive and were out to get you. Which one was it? Who was after you now? You didn’t want to know. You turned tail to run shamefully- in the back of your head, you knew better. Heroes shouldn’t run, shouldn’t be scared of dreams or things that weren’t real. But you couldn’t help yourself even if you were a trained pro hero...your nightmares were getting the best of you.

A long arm reached out to grab at the back of your jacket, whoever’s hand it was preventing you from going any further. If your fearful stupor, you didn’t think to use your quirk to get away, nor did you consider that maybe the person keeping you from running away was not an enemy, but in fact an ally. You ran in place for a moment, arms flailing, tears forming in your eyes as you crumpled to the ground.

“Don’t touch me! Get away!” you pleaded, your small voice ringing out through the night. “Let me go, please!”

“Calm down.” a stern voice commanded from behind you. The deep tone and familiarity of it calmed you instantly, and you stopped struggling against their grip as they pulled you back towards them. “It’s just me. It’s Eraser, Y/N.”

You let your body relax slightly but remained on edge, still not entirely sure that Aizawa was really behind you. What if it was another nightmare, or what if this wasn’t real? What if, when you turned around, he had a horrid looking face, or his head was twisted around, or-

“What are you doing out here this early in the morning?” Shouta asked you, interrupting your thinking. You said nothing, your thoughts rendering you speechless and bringing fresh tears to your eyes. You felt like words were stuck in your throat, like you were choking on your own tongue. “You’re shaking like a leaf,” he noted a few seconds later. After a long bout of silence on your end and a pause of uncertainty on his, he sighed and tried one more time to get through to you. “Y/N.”

As if your name was a spell to break the curse you felt you were under, you opened your mouth to explain yourself. “I was just- I wanted to walk...needed to get out of bed, and.” Even if it sounded disjointed, it was the best you could do. You were still too afraid to turn around.

“If I let go of you, are you going to bolt on me?”

“I don’t know,” you blurted out honestly. Really, there was no way of knowing what you would do. You felt glued to the sidewalk with jelly legs and and hardly any air in your lungs.

Wordlessly, Aizawa placed a hand on your shoulder as if to test the waters before slowly turning you around and pulling you into him. You glanced up at his face in terror as he did so expecting to see something surreal, but to your utter relief, he looked completely normal and like the Eraser Head you knew and loved. You let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding, your face pressing into his shirt as you shivered. Suddenly, it was a lot colder out than it had been before. The sound of his heartbeat thrumming through your ear made you feel grounded and real again too.

Thu-thump.

“Come on, it’s cold out here. Let’s get you to the teacher’s lounge.”

You walked to the school together in silence, neither of you asking any questions or making any small talk, just grateful for the fact that UA was always open for teachers if needed. For Aizawa that was the usual anyways- he was always direct and to the point, and didn’t say much unless he had to. If he had any questions for you, he must have been saving them for later. For you, though, it was little odd. You were always chatting with the other teachers, always engaging with your students, always willing to share little bits of information anyone else might find useful or amusing. Always bright and sunny during the day, wanting to bring smiles to everyone and make them laugh. Lately though, Aizawa had noticed you just didn’t seem like yourself. You looked tired, more so than was normal for you, and had been more quiet and reserved. But who didn’t get tired every once in a while? Eraser didn’t really have the right to judge you or ask any questions about it anyway, considering his own sleep schedule.

“Here.” After you were situated on the couch with a spare blanket from the closet and a small couch pillow to rest your head on, Aizawa brought over a large, steaming cup of tea. You thought he had brewed it for himself, but it seemed he had other intentions as he set it down in front of you on the coffee table.

“I don’t drink tea,” you tried to protest, but he just shot you a look and sat next to you comfortably before pushing the cup closer to you.

“I know you usually don’t, but you should drink that. It’s completely herbal, not like what you’re probably used to, and it’ll help you relax and get back to sleep. I doctored it up with honey and milk, so the taste shouldn’t be too strong.”

He watched you with careful eyes as you gingerly picked up the mug and brought it to your lips, apprehension reflecting in your own orbs as you took a small sip. You made a small sound of surprise as you took another larger sip, not minding the taste as much as you usually did.

“It’s not that bad,” you admitted quietly.

“It’s my own blend. I made it for when I have especially rough nights.”

Silence washed over you both as you busied yourself with drinking the tea, Shouta’s eyes never leaving your face. After a bit, when your cup was a little more than half empty, he started up conversation with you again.

“So what were you doing outside at three in the morning?” Straight the point, as always.

“I was on a walk. I couldn’t sleep, so I thought maybe it would help.” You took another sip of your tea.

“Do you normally take walks at three in the morning when you can’t sleep?”

“Not often, no. Only when it’s-” You stopped yourself before you could finish your sentence, not quite sure if you wanted to admit what you were going through. You hadn’t told anyone before, mostly because it felt like a private problem that you needed to deal with on your own, and something that you didn’t want to burden others with.

“When it’s...?” he prompted. His eyes desperately searched your face for any clues on what might be bothering you, though he already had an idea of what it might be.

“Ah, nothing.” You quickly swept the issue under the rug by trying to change the topic. “What were you doing out at three in the morning, hm?”

“I was patrolling the dorms, like I was supposed to.”

Oh. Well...that was...a pretty logical explanation. You weren’t sure what you were expecting.

“So I interrupted your patrol. I’m sorry.” You realized you must have pulled him away from what an important task, and suddenly you felt immensely guilty for causing him trouble. “I didn’t mean to take you away from that...��

“Don’t be. I got Mic to finish up for me after I took you over here, so it’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“Mmn.” You gave a quiet sound of acknowledgement, unsure of what to say after that, so you just kept drinking your tea.

Aizawa stared off into the distance as if considering something, then brought his focus back to you as he spoke. “So, how long have you been having the nightmares?”

Judging by the look on your face, he had hit the nail right on the head with his assumption. After seeing all of the little red flags, he had pieced the puzzle together in his mind and concluded you were suffering from something sleep related. And after seeing how you acted when he encountered you on his patrol, he thought it obvious that you clearly were disturbed by something lately, to which his guess had been nightmares, or maybe even night terrors.

You remained quiet for a moment, your grip on the still warm mug tightening ever so slightly as you shrunk in on yourself. “For a while...” you breathed out.

“And how long is ‘a while’?” he pressed gently. He didn’t want to push you too hard.

“I don’t know...a long time.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“You’re the first person I’ve said anything to, since you asked.” You nervously took another swig of tea.

“You don’t have to talk about them unless you want to,” he offered, hoping his words implied his obvious invite to let you vent if you needed. You understood his intent, though you genuinely didn’t want to bring the subject back up. The less you thought about them, the better. If you rehashed the nasty things you’d seen earlier tonight, then they would just slink back into your dreams and cause you more grief than they already had.

“I appreciate that, Eraser. I really do.”

“Just call me Shouta.”

There was something in his voice, something endearing, so full of care in the way he said it.

You didn’t need nor did you want to talk about them. For now, it was enough to be in the presence of someone you cared deeply about and that you knew cared deeply about you too, that understood your silence, that could hear the words unspoken by you when you felt you couldn’t speak. It was enough to just be close to him, a calm quiet between the two of you as you finally finished your drink. You set the mug back down on the table and leaned into the couch to rest your eyes, finally feeling somewhat safe to do so, and sighed as you snuggled into the blanket.

Shouta stayed with you while you drifted off safely under his watch, his lips turned up slightly at the corner as he watched you slip away peacefully. And at the first signs of any discomfort while you slept, he didn’t hesitate a single moment to pull you into his side and cradle you in his arms as he laid back with you, his hand supporting the back of your head while he held it to his chest. You woke briefly, just long enough to hear him murmur an apology for waking you before hushing you softly. His heartbeat reverberated through your ears and into your dreams as you cuddled into him, the sound calming you and lulling you back to sleep easily, and you finally felt at peace. Miraculously, the nightmares that had plagued you for so long gave you reprieve for the night, and you slept soundly on top of Shouta until school the next morning.

Your day carried on as normal after that, and you felt like your old self as you taught your students, genuinely excited to see your kids and engage with them through the course curriculum. The students seemed to sense this as well and were rather overzealous and giddy all day, which only helped to boost your mood more. After your classes were over and your hero work was done for the day, however, you headed home and lay down in your bed, fears and worries all coming back to you. What if you had nightmares again tonight? You didn’t think you could take another sleepless episode, especially after the peaceful rest you had last night. It had felt so good to actually rest, and now you had to go back to this?

And that was exactly how you found yourself in front of Shouta’s door two hours and a nightmare later, tears on your face and clothes haphazardly thrown on. He welcomed you with open arms and a “It’s unlocked,” which you were so grateful for, and the world just seemed right again as you curled up together on the bed, limbs intertwined as he held you close.

“Do you want me to make you some tea?” he asked.

“No, can we just stay like this?”

“Of course.”

From then on his door was unlocked every night. He left it that way for you, made sure to tell you that fact so you knew you were welcome there in his space. Every night you made your way to him. He calmed you down, made you tea if you so wished, and held you. And every night you fell asleep to the same sound.

Thu-thump.

You found that nightmares weren’t so scary anymore when you had someone to love you through it.

And love you through it, Shouta did, always.

#aizawa x reader #shouta aizawa #eraserhead x reader #aizawa shouta x reader #aizawa #shouta #aizawa shouta #eraserhead #bnha #shouta x reader #mha #request #sleepymonokuma #sweater writes #bnha x reader #mha x reader

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rucow · 3 years

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massive nerevoryn hcs, beware

I have nerevoryn brainworms that torment me day and night, so I answered this ask game under the cut (I did this for myself not for anyone else, pls be nice and ignore it if u don’t like something you see here!)

(A lil clarification: I headcanon Voryn as nonbinary and I use they/them pronouns for them, also they’re ace and afab in my hc, pls look away if that makes u uncomfy) • How did they first meet? They met when Nerevar was hopping from House to House to ask to be supported as Hortator, he just kinda showed up at Voryn's home outta nowhere and was met with 38237 identical serious Dagoth siblings. I can’t think about it without laughing dgsfh

• What was their first impression of each other? Voryn thought Nerevar a fool at first, for coming all the way to Kogoruhn just to ask for political support and to justify /why/ he should be politically supported However, Voryn saw almost instantly that Nerevar was genuine and driven and had strong ambitions for Resdayn, and they ended up agreeing on a lot of things. Meanwhile, Nerevar's first impression of Voryn was...kinda non-existent? He didn't pay much attention to them and didn't differentiate much between Voryn and their siblings. They were all just a bunch of polite goths to him, so he liked them from the beginning 😹

• Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Voryn's family was neutral and maybe a lil cautious, but ultimately didn't interfere at all and they quickly accepted Nerevar as part of their family Nerevar has no family, though I consider Vivec to be his family in some way. But no, Vivec didn't really want them to get together :') (he didn't like Voryn very much in the beginning, he thought they're boring, too serious, and has no sense of humor LOL but he warms up to them after a while.. he won’t stop messing with them tho, bc they’re rly easy to tease and that’s fun) • Who felt romantic feelings first? Voryn did. Nerevar's feelings only started ages later, he's not really the type to sit down and analyze/reflect on his feelings, so he didn't realize he had romantic feelings until they hit him full force LOL • Did either of them try to resist their feelings? Voryn tried, but gave up and opted for hiding their feelings instead of suppressing them 😔 • If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think? They would believe it. Nerevar wouldn't immediately assume it means "romantic soulmate" though, he already sees Voryn as a very close friend so the news that they're soulmates makes perfect sense to him. On the other hand, Voryn wouldn't be surprised to find out they're soulmates, but they'd feel like it's a cruel thing to do to them both, since they can't be together openly and in the way that they want to be. It would be heartbreaking to them :’/ • What would their lives be like if they had never met? Voryn's life would've remained quiet and uneventful, most likely. And they wouldn’t have ended up the way they did in canon. Nerevar is an unpredictable mystery though so I have no idea, maybe he'd go down a different path and take some impulsive bad decisions in his life 🤔 oh wait he already does that nvm • Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go? Nerevar initiated it. Voryn has had feelings for him for a very long time, but at first they didn't want to be in a relationship with Nerevar due to how complicated it would be, but yeah...they couldn't ignore their heart's call, and definitely couldn't refuse Nerevar when he started returning the feelings :') • Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like? YEAH!! I have no idea though! It would've been secret but very nice and romantic :'D • What was their first kiss like? It was intimate, and heavy. It was packed full of years of suppressed feelings and wishes. Voryn may have teared up a bit lmao • Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)? Nerevar has already had relationships (though nothing long-term) and has had...experience with ppl, in all meanings Nerevar WAS Voryn's first everything though! Mainly because Voryn has never had much interest in ppl before, and just the thought of kissing grosses them out, unless it’s with the right person ofc uwu • What’s their height difference? Age difference? Nerevar is 6'1 and Voryn is 5′6-5'7, they're the same age though! • What’s their relationship with each other’s families? Nerevar likes the dagoths. They don’t pry into his business (ahem, affair*) with Voryn and they always welcome him to Kogoruhn with no problem (aka they tolerate his out-of-nowhere appearances and occassional odd behavior). He finds it a bit unsettling that Voryn has so many siblings but he doesn’t question it. Voryn tries to get along with Vivec, even tho the younger makes it difficult. Voryn is an older sibling, so they have the patience to deal with a younger moodier mer who’s hellbent on disliking them for no reason LOL • Who takes the lead in social situations? Nerevar does, Voryn is really awkward at socializing and hates doing it too 😹 • Who gets jealous easier? They both do, but their jealousy manifests in different ways. Nerevar is much more vocal/open about it. Voryn doesn't give him any reasons to be jealous tho, at least not on purpose 🤧 • Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear? UHH neither of them does 😳 ...unless they've been drinking, then they both do it fjdhsn (Voryn won’t say anything explicit tho, just rly cheesy declarations of love or something SOBS) • Who said “I love you” first? Voryn said it first, but only after Nerevar had already confessed his feelings :’) they needed to be sure they wouldn’t get rejected bc that would just break their heart tbh • Who uses cheesy pick-up lines? Both do, but they mean it in all seriousness, and they believe every word the other says. • How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA? PDA is a big no-no for obvious reasons, unless it's only around trustworthy ppl like Alandro Sul and Voryn's family. Yes, Alan my boi is chill with all of this hehe • Who initiates kisses? Nerevar. He's very touchy uwu • Who’s the big and little spoon? Nere's the big spoon, usually. Voryn's like...a stick...though they can get clingy in their sleep /sobs • What are their favorite things to do together? Having time to spend together is rare for them, so they treasure every little moment they have. They both prefer spending time completely alone with one another, somewhere far and secluded where they can’t see or hear any other people. Nerevar needs moments of quietness to recharge after dealing with so many ppl in his daily affairs, so he really appreciates Voryn’s company bc their energy is very calming and they’re just quiet and pleasant in general.... they’re the type to sit in comfortable silence and just lean on one another as the world fades around them :’) • Who’s better at comforting the other? They know each other very well, so they're both amazing at comforting each other, except it's a lot easier for Voryn to comfort Nerevar solely because Voryn isn't as open about their emotions as he is, and doesn't want to worry Nerevar with anything, so they keep their emotions/pain private much more than Nerevar does. Nere's more open about things that bother him and spills his soul out to Voryn often lol • Who’s more protective? Oh gosh they are both overprotective of one another, they live dangerous lives after all. However, Voryn's the type to get physically sick by worrying over Nerevar's well-being... Nerevar doesn't handle it any better tho, he would become very spooky and destructive if anything happened to Voryn 👀 • Do they prefer verbal or physical affection? Nerevar prefers verbal affection from Voryn, because he knows Voryn’s words are always truthful. Voryn prefers physical affection from Nerevar though, because they know he uses verbal affection with a lot of people, so the physical kind feels more personal and genuine to them u_u • What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise? ... I must warn u. my taste in music is maybe TOO happy/sappy for these two, but anyway.. here u go (all these songs are from Voryn’s POV): 1. the lyrics and overall aesthetic and feel of this song.. it suits them in my hc a lot :’( 2. by the same singer, this song HHNGN the lyrics just make me think of how voryn sees nerevar 3. something even more light-hearted... sorry there’s no eng subs but trust me the lyrics are beautiful, the bridge especially makes me cry it’s so pretty.. and 「美しい心を持っている、ずっとこの海よりも深い」 😭 BASICALLY ANY LOVE SONGS MAKE ME THINK OF THEM 😭😭 • Who remembers the little things? Voryn's memory is impeccable. Nerevar is kinda airheaded, he doesn't remember things consciously but he remembers them in his heart • If they get married, who proposes? Voryn does! Though it's not a typical proposal, because their relationship isn't typical either. They simply propose that they both should undergo a ritual to bring them (more specifically, their souls) closer together... It’s the same ritual that Voryn’s mother did to their father, and they learned it from her before she disappeared/passed • What’s the wedding like? Who attends? It's a secret one, so no one attends it besides the two. It's not a wedding though, it's more like a romantic ritual conducted by Voryn themself, where they link their souls/hearts together :') it happens at nighttime in a secluded place, probably a cave with an open sky... somewhere in nature far away from any civilization • How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like? They have one very rambunctious but sweet daughter! She inherits a LOT of Nerevar’s looks and personality, even his ideals and stuff (once she grows up) • Do they have any pets? Nerevar doesn't have any, but he loves animals. Voryn's home has plenty of domestic animals/creatures though, much to Nerevar's joy 👌 (yes I hc the dagoths to be farmers bc I love the thought of a goth farm) • Who’s the stricter parent? Voryn. Though they're still very mild, just. more cautious about parenting than Nerevar is?? And unlike him, they actually teach their kid manners djfnsf • Who kills the bugs in the house? VORYN. They have no fear of bugs and actually know how to handle them really well! • How do they celebrate holidays? Not together :'( </3 • Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning? Voryn. Nerevar's an early morning person, while Voryn just wants to be lazy and stay in bed until noon. Voryn has sleepy b* disease • Who’s the better cook? Dare I say both??? >:)c Voryn likes baking more than cooking though, so when they have the time for it, they like treating Nerevar with sweets u_u✨ Nerevar doesn’t really have a sweet tooth though, he’ll just engulf anything that Voryn or their family cooks LOL

#I couldn't control myself I NEED to talk about them they're ruling my life ever since I played morrowind last year #nerevoryn #voryn dagoth #nerevar #voryn #txt #i love htem

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dooptown · 3 years

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S2 Finale

for once i’m actually going to watch the episode again and get my thoughts down as i do cuz holy hell was this well done, i think

“Comet” playing first instead of the OP was brilliant. Also, as a note, the full music video of that came out, along with some killer animation inspired by the manga.

youtube

A detail i love about this music video is Ibuki spotting Free’s motorcycle light in the side mirror before he stops the car and, well, yeah

They actually show Louis reaching for his gun pretty early on into Ibuki’s monologue. I don’t think the manga showed that, but I could be wrong. He definitely has it pointed to him when it’s pitch black same at the anime, but the fact he reaches for it so early means he obviously knows what’s going on, even if he couldn’t pull the trigger.

predictably, the anime does the “darkness” as it always has, with the dark-blue background and bright lines for the characters. The Comet music video does this part of the scene better imo, but it’s not too much of an issue. Free’s whole bit is obviously rushed, and I think the anime suffers for that, but i understand that they couldn’t fit it in. We do miss him escorting Louis out of the BAM though, and also saying he’ll eat Louis if he comes back. That said, I don’t know how Louis gets back...I guess Free drives him back still but we just don’t see it

The Riz and Legosi fight has Riz getting the idea of eating Legosi in his head now that was seemingly missing before. In the manga he was thinking about how he’d become friends with Legosi by eating him, and that never came up in the anime until kinda now. Like I said before it’s an interesting part of Riz’s character so i’m glad it’s touched on a bit at least.

The moth scene is just as confusing here as it was in the manga...and without explanation or confirmation that it’s imaginary chimera (a part of the manga plot that was completely dropped), it just seems like...something. We don’t have Moth-san talking to Riz here or him questioning what he’s seeing so...it could be seen as purely metaphorical but it still remains a mystery (and just like in the manga it accomplishes nothing here cuz Riz just gets up and wails on Legosi) It looks fucking cool though! Word of Power: Respect for Life! It’s all one shot here, so we see every wound inflicted on Legosi, which is only a few slams. In the manga it’s implied he endured way more. That just follows the pattern of the anime, though, where violence is toned way the hell down. I’m not complaining, though. I don’t want to see Legosi hurt...

I knew what i was seeing when it was in motion, but damn does it look fucking good! Orange really is showing how to do CG right by properly stretching models for intense movements and actions! They’ve done this subtly before but here it’s very clear, but not distractedly so (unless you pause frame by frame) However, I still do think the models look a bit stiff when just...like...walking normally sometimes. Like we have this great fight animation but then Riz picks Legosi up and drags him a bit and he looks...off. Ah well

The whole bit about Legosi exposing his stomach doesn’t have the subtleties explained here...and really the anime leaves out a lot of character thinking but i think if they left it in it’d be a bit too hammy and crowded, so it’s fine that they cut it out. But still...tell me more pose isn’t as funny here :(

Legosi’s voice acting shines again here. He sounds really fucking hurt...

The moon cut and then them laying together is nice. Also i do like how there hasn’t been music up until this point at all. Riz talking about everything is nice too...I don’t remember him saying he feels like he could cry in the manga, due to him not remembering anything about Tem but his taste.

Legosi says: “I almost went through the same thing Riz did. If someone hadn’t snapped me out of it, my love for Haru might have made me eat her.” I recall he says something similar in the manga too...but like the only time he ever got close to eating her is when he didn’t know who she was. It really doesn’t seem like the same thing at all...it ties back into Legosi really seeming to have a really firm grasp on everything, all things considered, and he’s just selling himself short. I guess he could also be talking generally but really, he never had a moment where he wanted to eat her again after that first night. And the “someone” who snapped him out of it...Zoe???? Like, I’m just a bit puzzled on this part. I think what it really is is a reference to what he says to Louis later, how he’s the one that guided him and ensured that he is the way he is. Ensured that he did so well to begin with. Like, writing it out like that makes sense, but I guess I’m taking the words too literally.

Anyway, was typing my thoughts out there. I don’t think it’s entirely clear that Louis’s influence is what caused Legosi not to eat Haru after they started spending time together, but if Legosi says that’s what it was, that’s what it was. I felt that Louis’s guidance for Legosi was more about him accepting himself as a carnivore and using his abilities for what he believes in instead of thinking he can only do harm with them...not about controlling his meat eating instincts. I guess it kinda goes hand in hand. Anyway

The hand touch is, well, touching like it was in the manga, however Riz firmly regrasping Legosi’s hand to hoist him up and continue fighting and Legosi sounding surprised isn’t what i pictured. In the manga i saw it more as Riz slowly doing it and Legosi just being too weak to do anything about it. Riz has the advantage, so he can afford to make the action slow and deliberate

Ok here’s where things get interesting. Louis’s appearance is entirely different in the anime, whereas in the manga he appears behind Riz while Legosi is talking to him, with Legosi spotting him and using a distraction to escape with him. HERE!!! Louis actively stops Riz from attacking Legosi again, clearly out of breath as he ran all the way there, but he still has the mind to appear cool and collected and make a lil quip that pisses Riz off. And then when Riz charges him Louis is just walking calmly toward him like!

Like yeah, he does stop and react a bit, but he sees Legosi coming up to stop him so I suppose that’s why he stands his ground (honestly though was he gonna pull his gun? Did he have a plan? I feel like he just got there without one, which makes sense. He just had to stop what was happening no matter what)

And Legosi ragdolls Riz aside to protect Louis. Love wins

Pina scene is the same here. Although previously we didn’t get his thoughts about how he never wanted to get involved with carnivores ever again cuz of these two, but that ties into the whole “anime doesn’t say every single thought that’s in a character’s head like in the manga” thing. I think it’s interesting that they even bother showing him retrieving his phone from the trash bin, since he could have easily just got it from his pocket but it shows that Riz was smart enough to take it away from him (but not smart enough to destroy it or chuck it somewhere or hide it where Pina couldn’t see)

The next scene with Legosi and Louis up on the outcropping..Legosi mentions how this is his last New Year’s. He’s more convinced he’s gonna die than it seems in the manga (although depends on the subs i guess) The part where Riz is looking up while Legosi is talking about their fight to Louis...i never knew if he was supposed to be hearing that or not, here or in the manga. I guess it’s up to interpretation.

Legosi delivering this line in the manga: determined, stoic

Legosi delivering this line in the anime: clearly in love

we finally get one of these scenes for Louis! Season 1 had a few of these for Legosi and Haru when they had moments where they were deep in thought about the other. I thought that Louis’s would have been in his initial meetup with Legosi in the manga, but that scene got cut. It’s cool that they put his here, though! Also correct me if I’m wrong but I think this is the only shot like this in season 2

When Louis’s theme starts here when he’s acting strong, trying not to cry, I thought it’d slowly start to break down as he did and transition into a new track but it just kinda...keeps going. It sounds like a more somber, shaky version at the very least but I think the music at this part is a bit lacking...thankfully the animation and Louis’s voice acting more than make up for it

Boy, does Louis really cry. I’m glad they let him let loose like that but the bad thing about seeing it animated is...they don’t hug! I always wanted a hug here...one that Louis fully embraces unlike the earlier one on the balcony. It makes sense the Legosi doesn’t try to do anything and is taken aback, of course, but damn...and considering how Louis is treated later and at the end of the series...it stings a lot

Idk what to say about this scene...it’s done so well. Louis having his internal monologue, talking to Legosi...Legosi looking so damn guilty that he wants to go back and fight...the transition to the foot reveal...it’s all so good

A change here in the anime...Louis is a lot more steadfast. He offers his foot and is like, completely at peace with it. In the manga he’s still shaking and his expressions are like, more unsure, but here he seems a lot more convinced that it’s what he has to do

jeez

Legosi’s thoughts about how eating his leg feels almost ritualistic and it actually makes him desire and hunger for it is gone...which like, idk why it is. We just hear Legosi say that he wants to but we don’t feel it (we do see his lips pull back and reveal his teeth tho)

Enter: Buffgosi. This happens in the manga but since Legosi’s model is so much smaller in the anime it seems like a much more drastic difference.

intimate...

Legosi doesn’t apologize for not being able to stop growling, but it seems like they did a lot to remove any humor Paru put into these scenes. I guess it doesn’t work that well in one continuous scene vs. chapters broken up by weeks

Louis’s funny deadpool moment is changed with him just...telling Legosi to be a hero again. Guess he really likes that line. The way it’s delivered really feels like a video game, like Legosi is recovering from a hit and Louis pops in to heal him with some words

Seriously, Louis just keeps making this face...after an entire season of being super serious and stone faced he’s looking softer

the Riz and Tem story isn’t changed at all, and can still be read as either romantic or platonic. Seeing it in motion makes it hit harder though, for sure

Legosi still wishes Riz a happy new year here. He seems a lot happier here than in the manga. Also Louis doesn’t berate him for it, instead opting to speak up and talk to Riz here after hearing about his heartbreak. He does it without the pressure of the cops being there, and it truly shows that he really does like carnivores and sympathizes with their struggles now.

Yeah, so the cop scene is gone, which kinda condenses and cuts out a lot (including Pina’s small appearance) but I kinda like it better. It allows all the characters to breathe. Legosi thanks Louis naturally for the meal, and Louis telling Legosi to wipe his face is done in a friendly, joking manner...it just all feels a lot softer and friendlier without the cops being there making it all fucked. Just like in real life

THERE IT IS THERE IT FUCKING IS THEY EVEN GAVE LOUIS HIS LIL SMIRK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

god i keep tearing up around these parts IT’S BEEN ALMOST 2 HOURS SINCE I STARTED MAKING THIS POST GOOD FUCKING LORD

I kinda thought they might put the aftermath in a sort of credits scene, and i think it works, even if it does pave over some important stuff

god it’s just so validating to see Legosi care for Louis and Haru equally. Like we all know it’s the case but they’re both dear to him

Now this is a far departure from his thoughts in the manga. I suppose it only fits with the ending of the season to make it more optimistic, but we skip the while “you can’t marry an herbivore cuz of your record” thing...but here he still cherishes it in a way. Very interesting. Wonder if they’ll backpedal on it in season 3

Legosi actually tells Haru he’s dropping out here too! He still does in the manga but it seems more abrupt there, like he already did drop out and then goes to tell her instead of telling her before he does. He’s also not suffering through his meat withdrawal here like he was in the manga at this scene (or at least the manga’s counterpart at Haru’s house)

The ending convo mirrors what Haru says to him in that scene too. It’s a funny way to leave off on the season without a stinger or anything. It just kinda makes the audience question their relationship (and now that Lougosi is pumping through everyone’s veins...hehehhehehe)

uh, well, anyway, i kinda wasted all of my time off after work writing this so...i hope you enjoyed it? Not gonna get one of these for a while...i know at least some of you like them

Also...what the hell was the extra “broadcast only” scene??????

Well, anyway, I hope you all have a good day, night, whatever, wherever you are. And remember: Legosi and Louis are in love

#ok this is long #this is kind of my love letter to the series too almost #this is the definite high point of the story and it delivered #lougosi always and forever

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everybodyscupoftea · 4 years

Text

you are the music in me

rafe x reader

five times rafe shows you a song, and one time you show him

holy cow who let me do this:

okay huge thanks to @travisgermy who stayed up forever with me picking out songs one night, the list of “maybe this” or “idk does this fit the vibe” is insanely long but i think i got it right.

i’m very very proud of my playlists and my taste in music. music is also very important to me, so i decided to write this because if a man ever came to me and said “this song made me think of you,” i might marry him on the spot

finally, thanks to my two very good friends for encouraging me and reading it over @sunnypogue and @moldisgoodforyou you guys are the best

little warning: there’s some cursing

(also i tried to link the songs to the titles so you can click and listen while reading that part)

You met Rafe freshman year in an auditorium size Intro to Theater elective. He was giving off huge ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibes and sitting alone in the top left corner of the room, pretty far away from everyone else. Not only was the lack of people appealing, but the rumpled boy with headphones in, chugging coffee, was cute.

Orientation was scheduled late for you, and theater was the elective you opted to take when all the music classes were filled. Unfortunately, scheduling last meant most of the seats were full anyway, and you had no choice but take it at 8 a.m.

It was easy at first, barely any work involved and minimal notes. You basically just had to show up and fill a seat for attendance. And then the ‘acting’ unit started and your professor, who had been your favorite until then, threw a partner project and suddenly the ‘not talk to anyone’ strategy you’d been employing backfired.

Holding in a groan, you looked over the lines of dialogue he’d given out with the instructions, “Make it your own.” People all around you were moving and chatting with the people they’d talked to in class already and you felt frozen. Until headphone boy suddenly sat down next to you.

“Wanna partner up?” he asked after a long sip of coffee.

“Oh, um, yeah, that’d be great.”

Thus, the shaky alliance formed. He was a little closed off at first, but you managed to get to know him a little more, and by the end of the semester, you’d even call the two of you friends. It was really solidified when he texted you first a few times over winter break.

Rafe was really easy to talk to, he had his own amount of trauma that he didn’t really talk much about unless it related to an issue you were going through and he felt his experience could relate to yours and comfort you. It was really nice, having a support system away from home in this new college town where you didn’t know anyone.

Study sessions together turned to lunches together turned to dinners together. He became your permanent bar buddy and you always felt safe with his steady presence nearby. You’d never really known anyone quite like him and it was exhilarating being with him all the time.

Where Rafe really excelled was music. He constantly had headphones in when walking around campus, when the two of you studied, and when you went to the gym together. It didn’t bother you, it wasn’t rude, he just liked it and he knew so much about artists and bands you’d never heard of. It was how he best communicated.

One: Let Me Down Slowly

Fall of sophomore year, you started seeing a guy in your literature class. It wasn’t like a super romantic thing, it started with just sleeping together after a football game to occasional dinners when you weren’t with Rafe.

His name was Brian and Rafe hated him. Casual sex was hard for you, separating feelings and intimacy wasn’t your style, but for Brian you tried really hard. It failed, just like Rafe warned you it would, but you vowed to keep faking it anyway.

Eventually, Brian, during dinner, asked if you had been seeing anyone else. You hadn’t, of course, and told him so. He seemed pleased and you thought that meant he wasn’t either. Where you went wrong was not actually getting clarification on that point.

He invited you to a party one Friday night, and you decided to go. Rafe was in your dorm room, watching you get dressed, as you chattered on about finally being official with Brian and this being the two of you’s big moment as a couple finally.

Rafe sat cross-legged on your bed, barely concealing his contempt toward Brian, but you ignored it, pushing through. Once you deemed yourself ready, you turned to Rafe, holding out your necklace to him, “Can you help me put this on?”

He sighed and hopped off your bed. Taking the necklace from your hand, he gently turned you around and stepped closer, brushing all your hair to one side. The metal was cold when it hit your collarbone and you shivered a little.

Rafe’s fingers danced over your neck as he fastened the chain and fixed your hair back. Putting both hands on your shoulders, he squeezed a little and smiled at you in the mirror, “Knock ‘em dead, gorgeous.”

Before you could respond, Brian texted you that he was parked outside, waiting for you. With a nervous exhale, you held your fist out for Rafe to bump, “Thanks for keeping me company, Cameron.”

He smiled and gently bumped your knuckles, “Anytime, bud.” You didn’t see his smile slip a little as you left the room.

Brian was blasting some club remix he frequently listened to when you got into this car. He smiled at you, leaning in for a kiss, “Ready, babe?”

“Ready,” you told him, buckling in.

The party wasn’t anything new or special, you’d been to many just like it, but it felt different. You weren’t sure what it was, maybe that you were finally officially on Brian’s arm, but the air felt odd.

Excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, you pulled out your phone to check and see if Rafe had texted you. He had, something short reassuring you that if you needed a ride home later, he’d be up. You breathed out a sigh of relief because Brian had started drinking the moment the two of you stepped in the door and you weren’t sure how he planned on getting you home.

Leaning forward and bracing yourself on the counter, you stared at yourself in the mirror. With an annoyed sigh, you hissed, “Get it together, bitch. This is supposed to be your night.”

And with that, you left the bathroom. Only to find Brian making out with some girl you’d never seen before on the couch. Which really fucking hurt. You didn’t even really know what to do, you’d only been dating for a few weeks, but you’d been emotionally connected to him for much longer.

Tears you didn’t want rose in your eyes as you stared frozen at the two of them groping each other. One of Brian’s friends that you’d met a few times caught your eye. His widened and he shook Brian’s shoulder. Brian, hazy eyed, pulled away and saw you standing there, clearly hurt.

He jumped up, fear in his eyes, and you backed away, shaking your head. You weren’t sure if he chased you, you hightailed it out of the house and down the street, wanting nothing more than to get out of there. Pity was the last thing you wanted from him or his asshole friends who did nothing to stop him.

By the time you’d gotten far enough away that you didn’t hear the music anymore, the cold had set in and you were shivering. Wrapping your arms around yourself, you sniffled several times, trying to get it together. Unfortunately, your tears refused to listen and streamed down your cheeks, not slowing in the slightest.

Suddenly, your phone vibrated, a text from Rafe telling you he’d made it to season four of the show you recommended him and that season three’s finale had been heartbreaking.

How could you not give me even a little heads up, what the fuck

You choked out a laugh through the tears and hit call before thinking about how he’d definitely be able to tell something was up from your voice.

“Hey,” he answered, sounding a little concerned, “you still at the party?”

“Um, not really,” you said, trying to not give away your crying.

It didn’t work, you heard rustling in the background as he asked, “Where are you? Better yet, where’s Brian?”

You sighed, “Probably fucking whatever chick I caught him making out with.”

Rafe cursed lowly before saying, “Send me your location and I’ll come pick you up.”

Hanging up, you sent it to him and sat down on the sidewalk, pulling your knees to your chest. You kind of didn’t want to see Rafe because you didn’t really want the ‘I told you so’ likely to come as soon as you got in the car.

He pulled up, not too long after your tears stopped, and you hopped up to get into the passenger side. You weren’t expecting him to throw it in park and jog around to wrap you into a tight hug before you could get in. It took you by surprise, but it wasn’t unwelcome. After getting over your shock, you squeezed him back tightly, cherishing the unusual show of affection.

It brought the tears back and you sniffled a few times, burying your face into his chest. Rafe held you tightly until you got ahold of yourself again and then pulled the door open to help you into his truck. While it wasn’t unusual for him to do, you couldn’t help but notice for the first time, that it was something Brian never did.

Before you could buckle up, he grabbed one of his sweatshirts off the backseat and handed it to you.

“How are you feeling right now, bud? Do you want to wallow for a bit or do you want to say ‘fuck him’ and move on?”

You sighed, “I don’t know, kinda in the mood to wallow right now.”

Rafe cranked up the heat and nodded before pulling up his Spotify to pick something out. A familiar sounding song started playing and he looked over at you, “This song really encompasses the lonely feeling of wanting someone, great for wallowing.”

You sniffled a few times and turned the volume up before sinking back into the seat. He smiled at you gently and started driving down the street. The words started up and you couldn’t stop the tears anymore.

Don’t cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste

Rafe tapped his thumb against the steering wheel to the song as he drove. You quickly recognized his route to the coffee shop the two of you go to. Wiping your nose on the hoodie sleeve, you finally spoke up, “It’s closed.”

“Huh?” he asked, glancing over at you quickly before focusing on the road again.

“Coco Bean, it’s closed.”

“I’m just driving, no destination.”

“Oh,” you said, tuning into the song again.

Could you find a way to let me down slowly / a little sympathy, I hope you can show me / if you wanna go then I’ll be so lonely / if you’re leaving baby let me down slowly

With a long, shuddering sigh, you melted back into the seat and let Rafe drive. You were a little startled when he started to sing softly. He’d hummed in front of you but never sang, and he actually had a pretty good voice.

And I can’t stop myself from falling down

Twisting your fingers through the hem of the sweatshirt, you tilted your head to lean against the cold window as the song started its last bit.

Now I’m slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace / so please, please / could you find a way to let me down slowly

Rafe switched to something slightly more upbeat as you tried to pull yourself together. The two of you drove around for hours, songs switching from upbeat to sad, enough to keep you interested.

“One last song,” he told you, around 3 a.m. and All I Want started up. Rafe had showed you that one before. He reached over and grabbed your hand, squeezing tightly for a few seconds before adding, “Brian’s a dick and you deserve better.”

You squeezed back and nodded, not really knowing what to say.

Two: I’m Good

You’d stubbornly avoided Rate My Professor when trying to schedule a bio class, which was turning out to be a pretty hefty mistake. The guy you picked, mostly because of the 10 a.m. time slot, was a disaster. His teaching style didn’t match your learning style and he barely taught the information he used on the test anyway.

Needless to say, you bombed the first one. Like not a dramatic, ‘I bombed it’ and it turning out to be a C. Like a serious 40%. You weren’t sure how you made it through the rest of your classes, maybe adrenaline or just the pure stubbornness to not have a very public breakdown, but you sent Rafe a very vague text blowing off lunch and went straight to your room.

Face planting onto your bed, you shut your phone off, totally content to not talk to anyone for at least another day. Hours could’ve passed before you finally rolled onto your side, you weren’t sure what time in was, all you knew was that your stomach was growling.

At some point during your wallowing, you roommate had come home, and it had gotten dark outside. All of your weekend plans flew straight out the window and the idea of doing any work when clearly it would be pointless anyway was nauseating.

Eventually, you fell into a restless sleep, dreaming about failing classes and angry bio teachers trying to break your fingers until you finally understood cellular respiration. It was easily one of the worst nights you’d ever had, and by the time the sun rose, you were ready to just stop thinking.

You knew your roommate would eventually come into your room to ask about getting brunch, or to just see what you had planned for the day, but you really didn’t want to see her. What you didn’t expect when your door was finally pushed open, was to see Rafe standing there, holding a bag of food.

“Hey, bud,” he spoke softly, walking slowly toward your bed, “you okay?”

“Do I look okay?” you asked, voice cracking.

Rafe laughed, “No, you don’t. But I did bring your favorite.”

You perked up a little, looking at the bag curiously, “Chicken caesar wrap?”

“Yes ma’am. Would you like to join me on a walk?”

You sighed, but getting out of the room with Rafe sounded kind of good, so you stood and put on a pair of slides, not wanting to put in the effort of actual shoes. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders while the two of you walked down the hallway, and you cherished the closeness.

“What happened?” he finally asked, as the two of you made it out the building and over to a bench outside.

“I failed my test. I don’t know what happened, none of the material he taught was on the test and I just don’t know how to study for that.”

Rafe handed you half of the wrap and let you rest your head on his shoulder before speaking, “Did you check Quizlet, maybe someone who’s already taken it posted something for you to use.”

You shrugged while taking a bite, “Maybe. I mean I know I can come back from this, he drops the lowest test, but I don’t know, I’ve never gotten a grade that bad. It’s so discouraging and I just lost all motivation to do anything.”

He hummed softly and pulled his phone out. After scrolling for a few seconds, he offered you a headphone with a smile, “Maybe this will help.”

Trying to figure out who I am / or who I’m supposed to be / feel good about where I stand / so I can make the most of me

You drummed your fingers on Rafe’s knee to the uplifting beat. He bumped your shoulders together and started eating the other half of the wrap.

You only live once / I’m good with myself / I’m there for my friends / til the very end

Rafe reached out to lace his fingers through yours, catching your attention, before saying, “You know I’ve always got you right?”

You nodded, tears rising for the first time since the numbness gripped you, “Yeah, Cameron, I know.”

I’m good, I’m good, I’m good, I’m good / living life just like I should / wouldn’t change it if I could / I’m good, I’m good, I’m good

When the song ended, you lifted your head up and finished your half of the wrap. Rafe paused the next song playing and smiled down at you gently, “You are the smartest person I’ve ever met, if anyone can beat this asshole bio professor, it’s you.”

“I am pretty smart, huh?”

He didn’t answer, just laughed and leaned down to kiss you on the forehead. You didn’t know what you could do without him.

Three: Blood // Water

It got out of hand before you could stop it. You were tired all the time because of work and your roommate was stressed from school, and her new boyfriend was a huge slob. He used your utilities and ate your food and didn’t pay a lick of rent.

You’d been fuming about it for months, but it really came to head when you realized how often he was staying over and she wasn’t giving you a heads up. One afternoon, you were watching TV on the couch, a rare free afternoon that you wanted to spend in your underwear, no one was home anyway. So you thought.

Your roommate had class, but she’d let her boyfriend in and he’d been sitting in her room without you knowing. Just as you settled in, her door flew open and you shrieked, grabbing for the nearest blanket to cover yourself up with. He stared at you, mouth hanging open.

“Dude, stop fucking looking, what the fuck?!” you yelled, and he slapped a hand over his eyes. Taking the opportunity, you ran to your room and slammed the door shut. He had to go, the boyfriend either needed to stop living rent free or stay out of your personal space.

By the time your roommate made it home, you’d had time to get yourself really really worked up, and you were ready for a fucking fight. Rafe had called at some point and tried to calm you down, but talking it out with him only made you angrier, and he eventually gave up, telling you to not let her walk all over you.

She walked in and toward her room, but you stopped her right outside it by clearing your throat. Maybe, for a more constructive conversation, you could’ve started it better, but you went straight in with, “So do I need to buy Marcus a housewarming gift or is he going to live somewhere else anytime soon?”

She frowned at you, “What?”

“I’m not paying 50% of the rent if your boyfriend is gonna be here as much as I am. I’ll gladly play a third of the rent, but I’m gonna need him to contribute if he’s going to use my hot water and eat my food.”

Your roommate took a defensive stance, “He’s not here that much.”

“Oh yeah? Well then why did I go to wash my work uniform, only to find his shit in the washing machine?”

“That was a one-time thing, he stayed over a few nights and ran out of clothes.”

Fists tightening, you drew yourself up, “Okay, tell me, when’s the last time he went home?”

She paused to think and you nodded, emphasizing your point. Before either of you could say anything else, there was a knock at your door. Your roommate opened it and saw Rafe standing outside. With a huff, she turned back to you, “Well while we’re at it, talking about boys being over all the time, what about Rafe?”

Your jaw dropped, “Rafe isn’t eating your food and showering at 3 a.m. and WALKING OUT WHILE YOU’RE SITTING IN YOUR UNDERWEAR.”

Rafe’s eyes widened, he’d never heard you yell like that before, it was rattling. Your roommate had, but never at her, and she looked taken aback before narrowing her eyes, “Why the fuck were you just sitting in your underwear?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I not allowed to do that in the comfort of my own home?”

“Not when Marcus is around.”

You threw your hands up, “That’s the fucking point! I never know when he’s around or isn’t because you don’t have the courtesy to give me the heads up!”

She stepped closer to you as if to shove you, but Rafe stepped between the two of you, putting both of his hands on your shoulders, “Hey, bud, hey, look at me, okay?”

You fought against him, trying to get another look at your roommate, “Never compare that asshole to Rafe, at least Rafe can hold a fucking conversation. You’re dating a piece of wet cardboard.”

“Babe,” Rafe warned you.

“Babe,” she mimicked in a high-pitched voice, “you do everything he tells you to, doormat?”

Rafe’s hands tensed on your shoulders and he narrowed his eyes, “Marcus, better get your ass out here and help me. You’re the root of the whole fucking problem.”

Her bedroom door opened slowly and a very sheepish looking Marcus stood there with a pair of her shoes in hand, “Let’s go for a drive, huh?”

Rafe kept you in place until the other two had left and you sagged into his hold. You couldn’t stop the tears that started falling as soon as the door slammed shut, and Rafe pulled you into a hug. He stroked your hair, “You’re just tired, babe, it’s going to be okay.”

You sniffled pathetically, “Why won’t she just be fucking accommodating.”

He pulled you behind him to your room and shut the door behind you. It was nighttime, and the room went dark immediately, until Rafe turned on the fairy lights you had hanging around your bed. He sat down and patted the empty spot next to him, “You remember when you called me to come hang these damn lights up?”

You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped, “Yeah, you hated me for it.”

“I didn’t hate you, but I wasn’t thrilled.”

Leaning into his side, you sighed, “Did I just fuck things up?”

Rafe wrapped his arms around you and laid down, arranging the two of you on the bed so that you were partially on top of him before he spoke, “I don’t think so. Y’all have been friends for so long, I’m sure she’ll come around.”

You played with his shirtsleeve for a few seconds before looking up at his face. He was already looking down at you, soft smile on his lips, and you stuck your tongue out playfully at him. Rafe laughed and lifted his hips up to fish his phone out of his pocket.

“Oh, you got a song for me?” you asked, leaning further onto him.

“Maybe. You want some angry vibes?”

“Hmmm, I think so, yeah.”

He picked a song after a few seconds and laid back fully, shutting his eyes while you started to hum along. It was catchy.

Look me in my eyes / tell me everything’s not fine / or the people ain’t happy / and the river has run dry

Rafe smiled with his eyes closed as you climbed off the bed to start jumping around. All your angry energy started to drain as you read from the lyrics on your phone.

The price of your greed / is your son and your daughter / what you gon’ do / when there’s blood in the water

You grabbed his arm, trying to pull him up to jump around with you, but you weren’t nearly strong enough. Rafe laughed at you, eyes finally open again, until you huffed and tossed his arm back. He stayed down watching you as the song built.

I am the people / I am the storm / I am the riot / I am the swarm / when the last’s tree’s fallen / the animal can’t hide / money won’t solve it / what’s your alibi

It was probably for the best your roommate had left because if she was still there, she’d be furious with your screaming. By the time the song ended, you were breathing heavily and Rafe was laughing. Collapsing on top of him, you tried to catch your breath.

Rafe brushed an errant strand of hair out of your face, “That was beautiful, sweetheart.”

You rolled your eyes but smiled, “Felt good, thanks for the assist, Cameron.”

The smile slowly fell from his lips as he kept staring at you, and you were confused. Before you could ask what was wrong, he shut his eyes and leaned up to kiss you.

It wasn’t totally unexpected. You’d thought about it a few times, and you were pretty sure he had too, but he’d never said anything, so you figured it was out of the question. So, while you weren’t prepared, you were happily surprised.

After a few seconds to work through the shock, you started kissing him back. He kept it short, you figured he would with emotions running as high as they were in you.

“Anytime,” he told you, brushing your lips with his thumb.

Four: Let You Down

Your boss informed you that there was nothing that could be done. That the department was going through budget cuts and they’d be laying people off. Unfortunately, since you were the youngest, you were the first to go.

The early shift was your normal gig, you always woke up around 5 a.m. to get ready and get coffee, and that morning, you woke up to a missed call and a message from your boss. Rafe was still sleeping, so you unplugged your phone and took it with you to the kitchen to listen to the message while you made coffee.

After turning the kettle on, you brought the phone to your ear, and immediately regretted it. You missed the first part of the message, but got the gist from, “So sorry to have to let you go, with the cuts in our department, we have to make hard decisions- “

And you didn’t really care to hear the rest. Three years of your life wasted on that place that promised you a job post-grad, and then just cut the rope. Your hands were shaking and you shut the kettle off, deciding to just go back to bed and cuddle with Rafe until his alarm went off.

Unfortunately, Rafe was a light sleeper and woke up when you tried to get back into your spot next to him.

“Babe, wha?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

“Nothing,” you whispered, “go back to sleep.”

Rafe squinted at you, “Don’t you have work?”

You sighed, “Not anymore, I got let go.”

He sat up and you groaned, not really wanting to hash it out with him at 5:30 in the morning. Fumbling to switch the lamp on, Rafe pulled you into a hug with his other arm and you couldn’t stop yourself from sinking into his arms.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I know you liked that job.”

“They told me like two fucking weeks ago they were looking at a managerial position for me. I just, I don’t know why I was on the first list of cuts.”

Rafe huffed out a laugh, “I wish I could tell you, but unfortunately, I can’t get into the mindset of actual buffoons.”

Your lips quirked up, “They are buffoons, aren’t they?”

The two of you sat in the middle of the bed for who knows how long, just hanging onto each other, and you were almost back asleep when Rafe moved again, this time to stand up. You glared at him, “Can’t we sleep?”

“We can nap later, but I want to see the sunrise.”

He grabbed his keys from the desk by the door and you followed him out to the kitchen. There was a place the two of you had gone before, near the reservoir, for sunsets, but you’d never done a sunrise before. You started the coffee making process again and pulled on one of his sweatshirts while he leaned against the wall, looking up what time the sun rose.

“It says 6:40 so we have plenty of time to get there.”

“Car sex,” you offered jokingly.

“Make the coffee, babe,” he dismissed, pulling you in to ruffle your hair.

You shoved him away, pouting, “I can’t make the coffee when you’re manhandling me.”

He didn’t let you push him far, grabbing onto your hand where it was pushing his chest and pulled you back to him. The smell of coffee filled the kitchen as he hugged you. Your face was buried in his chest and the two of you just breathed together until he pulled back enough to catch your lips with his.

You pushed up on your toes, leaning further into him. He loosened his grip on your hands and you slid them up to cup his jaw. It was quiet in the kitchen, the only sound coming from the coffee maker and the slight hum of the air conditioner. You basked in it.

Rafe suddenly dropped both of his arms to your legs and lifted you to sit on the counter. The sudden movement startled you into letting out a little squeal of surprise, but he swallowed it up with another kiss.

You draped your arms over his shoulders and he leaned all of his weight on the counter. In the background, you barely heard the coffee kick off and your roommate moving around in her room. Rafe brought a hand up to stroke up and down your thigh, fully distracting you again.

The two of you only broke apart when Rafe’s alarm started going off. He pulled away, annoyed, and then cursed when he realized what time it was. Helping you down, he told you, “We’ve got 30 minutes to get to the res.”

After quickly fixing two to-go mugs, you let Rafe pull you out of the apartment to his truck. For once, he didn’t pick any music, just let the radio play softly in the background while the two of you sipped on coffee. You rolled the window down and let one arm hang out the side.

Rafe reached over and grabbed your other hand, bringing it to his lips to kiss softly without looking up from the road. You grinned at him, “You’re soft as fuck, Cameron.”

He laughed, “Only for you, sweetheart.”

The sky started to lighten as the two of you drove and you left turned your focus back out the window. By the time Rafe parked, the sun had started to rise, and Rafe finally plugged his phone in to play a song.

“Something soft?” he asked.

You nodded and queued up something before hopping out. Rafe grabbed a blanket from the backseat and pulled the tailgate down. It was the blanket the two of you normally sat on to watch the sunsets, so you assumed Rafe wanted to sit back there together for it.

Grabbing the coffees, you walked around the truck to join him just as the song started playing through the speakers.

Feels like we’re on the edge right now / I wish that I could say I’m proud / I’m sorry that I let you down / let you down

You climbed up with him and settled in, your back against his chest. Rafe rested his chin on your head and you shut your eyes for a few seconds to let it all soak in.

I feel like every time I talk to you, you’re in an awful mood / what else can I offer you / there’s nothing left right now, I gave it all to you

“What am I going to do?” you whispered to Rafe.

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” he told you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

All these voices in my head get loud / and I wish that I could shut them out / I’m sorry that I let you down

“But we’ll figure it out,” he told you, sounding totally sure.

The sun slowly crept up as the two of you sat in silence, both hoping that things were going to turn out okay.

Five: You Make My Dreams (Come True)

“I hate men,” you said from your spot laying on the floor, “why are they the worst.”

Rafe laughed, nudging your hip with his foot, “Come on, sweetheart, I think some Waffle House will cheer you up, huh?”

“Nothing can cheer me up right now. Maybe alcohol.”

“You can’t get drunk.”

“Why not?” you demanded, a little childishly.

“Because you have an interview tomorrow, and it’s just a game.”

You were offended, staring at him open-mouthed, “I know you didn’t just tell me that the Leafs getting eliminated from the playoffs is just a game.”

Rafe didn’t respond, just kept looking at you, hand held out to help you up from the floor. You huffed and stubbornly stayed down, “No, I will throw myself off a balcony before going with you for that disrespect.”

With a sigh, Rafe bent down and pulled you up, you fighting him the entire way. He shook you gently, “Knock it off, mamas.”

“No, you can’t tell me what to do.”

“I can carry you, and I will, so you may as well just walk.”

Which was a good point. You crossed your arms and tilted your chin up, “Fine, Waffle House it is.”

“Fine,” he agreed, following you out of the apartment. Rafe tried to start conversation a few times during the walk to the Waffle House down the street, but you weren’t having it. After blatantly ignoring his attempts, he finally gave up.

“Rafe,” you asked, after a few seconds.

“What?”

“Can you play Hall and Oates? I think it might be good for me to hear.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Are you going to have a breakdown on the side of the road if I play it?”

“No,” which was a total lie and both of you knew it, but Rafe, being the accommodating boyfriend that he is, played it.

What I want, you’ve / And it might be hard to handle

And your eyes immediately filled with tears, just like both of you knew would happen. Rafe wrapped you into a hug while you cried, still playing the song so you could let it out.

Oh yeah, well well you / you make my dreams come true

Sniffling, you told him, “I thought it was their year.”

“I know, baby,” he soothed, hand running up and down your back.

“I want them to succeed and be happy.”

Again, he said, “I know.”

“It’s mostly the refs’ faults anyway, you know the league is dedicated to sucking Bruin dick.”

Rafe snorted, “I do know, yes.”

Softly and sadly, you sang along, “You make my dreams come true.”

The song finished and Rafe tucked his phone away, giving you one last squeeze before pulling away. You sighed and the two of you resumed walking toward Waffle House. He told you, “My dad is a big Bruins guy.”

“WHAT?!”

+ One: Outnumbered

Throughout your relationship, Rafe was always the more put-together one. He always had his shit together while you tended to be a little louder and messier. While you had some experience with handling him in this state, it wasn’t much.

You figured something must’ve been wrong when he didn’t answer any of your texts, but you weren’t sure what. He’d flown home for Thanksgiving, he normally didn’t because it was only a few days, but his sister was going to be in town and he hadn’t seen her in a while. You were invited, but your parents wanted to visit you for the day, so you stayed behind.

When your parents left, you stayed in and watched football, not really wanting to do anything except talk to Rafe who promised to watch one of the games with you over FaceTime. Unfortunately, it was halftime and you hadn’t heard from him.

In fact, you didn’t hear from him until that night. You were getting ready for bed when your phone finally vibrated and you answered it, mid washing your face.

“Hey, bubba.”

“Hey, babe.”

“Get caught up today?” you asked, rinsing the cleanser off.

He laughed humorlessly, and you felt something in your stomach, “I did, my dad had some thoughts he wanted to share with me.”

“Bruins fan dad?”

“The very same.”

You grinned, “Well I’m sure they weren’t valid then.”

Rafe paused for a few seconds, “Well, maybe they were a little valid.”

“Tell me what he said, and I’ll let you know for sure.”

It was silent, you could barely hear Rafe’s breathing, before he continued, “Just that I’m wasting my time. And I’m gonna come running back to him when I can’t get a job with this pointless degree.”

Which, where the fuck do you even start with that. Then, you remembered, scrambling up, you told Rafe to hold on while you grabbed your laptop and pulled up Spotify. You’d found a song and been saving it to show him, but there was no time like the present.

“Listen to this song I found.”

He hummed in agreement as it started up.

Don’t tell me this is all for nothin’ / I can only tell you one thing / on the nights you feel outnumbered / baby I’ll be out there somewhere

You felt unsure as the song went on and he didn’t react. The song played on, you tapping your fingers against your knees anxiously. Normally you could tell what Rafe was thinking based on his facial expression, and you wish you’d switched to FaceTime before starting the song.

There’ll be days when it’s difficult / but I ask you never leave behind the reciprocal / we’re past that / love is not designed for the cynical / so we have that

Rafe didn’t speak again until the end and it sounded a little choked up, “You found that one for me, huh?”

Slamming your laptop shut, you hit the FaceTime button and waited to respond until you saw his face. Rafe’s eyes were red and his cheeks looked wet and you just wanted to hug him.

“Yeah, that was for you.”

“I love you, you know?” he asked, “probably should’ve waited to tell you in person, but.”

You laughed, “Probably so, but I love you too, Cameron.”

“I’m coming home tomorrow instead of Sunday, come over?”

Settling into your bed, you smiled at him, “Yeah, just let me know.”

His soft smile was burned into your memory that night as you fell asleep restlessly, ready for him to be home with you again.

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron fic #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe outer banks #rafe obx #rafe fic #outer banks fic #outer banks #obx #college rafe

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miraculousholder · 3 years

Text

We Belong Together ~ Chapter 1

Hey! Just wanted to say that I finally posted my second Miraculous Ladybug fanfic and I am so excited for you all to read it! Will be updated on here and on AO3 :)

We Belong Together - AO3

Summary: It has been years since Marinette Dupain-Cheng last saw Adrien Agreste when he broke her heart. Since then she has moved on and continues to pursue her dreams in becoming a renowned fashion designer. Adrien hasn't forgotten the girl who had stolen his heart, but never got the chance to see her after graduation. But when he decides to secretly have a career in singing and has an underground band, that's when he spots Marinette. The girl who got away in the crowd. Can they both see what went wrong in the past to make it right? Or will they ignore their feelings and completely move on?

Marinette Dupain-Cheng sighs in relief when she finished up her sketches for her senior project. While she still had to make the garnet, it was much easier than designing it. Putting it all together was the fun and best part.

She checks her phone, realizing she had a few missed texts from her friends and one missed call from Alya. Checking the time, Alya should be out from her own class so she decided to call back her best friend.

After a few rings, Alya answered. “Hey girl! By time you answered one of us.”

Marinette chuckles. “Sorry about that. I finally came up with a great concept for my senior project and I had to finish it before the ideas left my head. But I’m finally done with the first part.”

“Oh great! So we’re going out tonight?”

“I did not say that!”

“Girl come on! We’re seniors in college and not once do I ever recall you going out to the clubs or getting drinks with us. While I respect you for committing to the internships and your classes, it’s high time you let loose and have some fun. You won’t be twenty one forever you know?”

Marinette knew that her best friend was right. Her goal was to always become a fashion designer and while she loved what she did, it was definitely time consuming. It was a miracle she even still had friends who understood her busy schedule and made their plans based on her availability.

“I mean, I don’t have classes tomorrow so I guess I can afford to stay up-“

“Yes!” Alya yells and Marinette jumped from her friends loud voice. “Okay, sorry! I’ll text you the details and wear something...with a rockstar vibe.”

“Rockstar vibe?” Marinette questioned. “Are we going to a Jagged Stone concert?”

“Oh you’ll see.” Is all Alya said before she hung up.

Marinette was confused but decided not to question it any further or else she would regret accepting the invitation.

A few hours later, nightfall had fallen over Paris. Marinette ate some dinner since she knew that if Alya and the girls were coming over, there would be some pre-gaming happening before they left to whatever place they had in mind.

Her small pet dog, Tikki, laid comfortably on her Ladybug bed in the living room. Marinette walks over and leaves out a bowl of food for Tikki and refilled her water bowl as well. Tikki already ate but it was just in case she came home late and didn’t wake up on time the next morning to feed her dog.

The door bell rings and Tikki lifts up her head upon smelling familiar people nearby. Marinette puts her dirty dishes in the sink and walks over to open the door.

Alya, Juleka, Rose, and Mylene walk in. All of them wearing concert attire but matched it to their personalities.

“Wow you girls look great!” Marinette exclaims, closing the door.

“And you look good, Marinette.” Says Rose. “I love the jacket.”

“Oh this old thing?” She tugs on her jacket. “It’s just something I’ve had in high school.”

Alya walks over to Marinette’s secret stash of liquor, as Mylene plays with Tikki.

“How’s Ivan?” Marinette asked Mylene.

Mylene smiles when her boyfriends name was mentioned. “He’s doing great! You’ll actually see him tonight.”

“Oh? Is he going to meet us there?” Marinette wonders and before Mylene can reply, Alya hands her a shot glass and she walks over to join everyone by the counter.

Marinette chuckles. “Okay can one of you tell me what we’re doing tonight?”

“Underground concert,” says Alya and hands her a glass. “Nino told me about this band he has been producing songs for and he invited us to go check out them out. Apparently they’re really popular in the alternative scene.”

“Oh sounds like fun.” Marinette and the girls surround her countertop and take a shot. The liquid burning her throat a little but she ignores the feeling.

Rose nods excitedly. “It will be! Alya told me that some of the band members went to school with us!”

Now Marinette was even more curious. “Like who?”

Alya clears her throat. “Lets not ruin the surprise!” She says and changes the subject. “Mari, are you still seeing the guy from the visual arts department?” Mylene asks Marinette.

Marinette has been going out with a boy from the visual arts department as of recent. While she enjoys his company, she isn’t really into him. It just didn’t feel right, but she hasn’t had the chance to tell him they were better off as friends.

“I am but we’re not official,” she assures her friends. “I’m not really looking for anything serious anyways.”

“So if a guy comes up to you and asks you to go home with him, you’ll take it?” Alya wonders and Marinette thinks about it.

“I’ll consider it.”

Alya accepted her answer and they took one last shot before leaving to the club.

The club was in a weird place in the city that was populated with sleazy clubs and teenagers who looked for a good time where they shouldn’t be looking.

The girls go through a dark alley and Alya reads the instructions that her mystery man gave her. She stands in front of a black door and knocks four times.

A minute passes and the door opens, revealing a huge bodyguard wearing a white mask.

“Alya?” He questioned.

Alya nods. “Yup! Carapace told me to come through the back for VIP.”

The bodyguard looks at the girls, stepping aside to let them in. They each held one another’s hand so they wouldn’t lose each other as they entered.

The place smelled like cigarettes and hard liquor, a smell that Marinette wasn’t to fond of but can tolerate. They make it to a small section of the upper floor that had a great viewing of the whole dance floor and stage. The girls sat down and Alya ordered them all a round of drinks.

“Carapace? I thought it was Nino who invited us?” Rose asks Alya.

Alya shakes her head. “No it’s just a nickname that they go by here. You see, majority of these artists are undercover celebrities who like to play music by their own terms or just like to escape the crazy world that they live in. So they make up an alternative identity so they can party or rock out without worrying about the paparazzi.”

“Wait, then how will you know which one is Nino?” Marinette asks. While the concept was cool, she wasn’t sure if she would like to hide her identity from the people she was close to. Unless she really need to.

Alya shows her a picture of Nino wearing a green mask. She then shows the others and they start to be on the look out for him.

“Well I hope he passes by so we can thank him for this cool VIP experience.” Rose says excitedly. “And it’s been awhile since I’ve seen him so we have to catch up.”

Marinette smiles and their drinks arrive. They give a quick cheers before they start drinking.

After twenty minutes of talking and joking around with one another, the lights in their section went down and so did the ones on the stage. The crowd yells out in excitement and the girls get closer to the recliner to watch the show.

Marinette can see a group of boys walk out to the stage and the start of the guitar. The lights turned back on and everyone went crazy over the band on stage.

She can see the name of the band written on the drums, Cataclysm.

What an unusual name, she tells herself as the lead singer begins to sing. He was a fantastic singer and Marinette closes her eyes as she vibes with the loud music playing.

Her friends were clearly enjoying themselves and were maybe a little bit too loud compared to the other attendees who were watching the show in the first floor. She followed along with her friends, also dancing and laughing.

Marinette looked down again at the stage, the band finishing up their first song. The lights were finally on the lead singer and when her eyes stared directly at him, she froze.

(An hour before the show)

Chat Noir, or Adrien Agreste as his most of his close friends and family knew him by, fixing up his black eyeliner and mask. His bandmates were doing the same or sitting on the couch before it was time for them to go up.

Nino comes in and was beaming with excitement.

“What’s up with you?” Jared asks, fixing the strings of his guitar.

“Oh nothing just that Alya and the girls are finally coming to check out the band!” Nino announced.

“Yeah, Mylene texted me that she was here.” Ivan brought up.

Kim was stretching. “Any of them single?”

“Kim, these are our friends from school. Besides aren’t you still seeing Ondine?” Max brings up.

Kim shrugs. “It’s complicated.”

“Actually there is one girl who is single.” Nino answers Kim’s question. “Maybe big shot over here can finally get his first girlfriend.” He points at Adrien who was resting comfortably on the couch.

Adrien opens one eye and looks at Nino. “I can get a girlfriend if I wanted to.” He closes his eyes again and stretches his arms out as he sat up. “But I told you. If I’m getting a girlfriend I want them to fall for me, not Adrien Agreste.”

While he loved his life as the son of famous renowned fashion designer, Gabriel Agreste, it came with consequences.

The main one would be how he made friends. While he was home schooled for a good portion of his early childhood, he was able to attend a real school when he turned fourteen. It was a private school, but to him it was something. But based on how people treated him, he knew he was getting a weird taste of privilege that he didn’t want.

It started with how guys would want to come over only to his place and never bothered to invite him to theirs. Sure his father was strict, but he would’ve allowed it as long as it didn’t interfere with his studies. But no his friends at the time wouldn’t bother.

Then every holiday his locker would be packed with constant love letters or presents girls would leave for him. Not to be rude he accepted the small tokens of appreciation but he never liked it.

He hated this and when he would meet up with his friend Chloe, she convinced him to transfer to her school. It was closer to his place and not as crowded as his private school.

“I mean you’ll still be surrounded by peasants, but you’ll be with me Adrikins!”

And after one long and difficult hour of convincing his father, he agreed to let him transfer to College Francoise Dupont. There he met probably his closet friends and met the love of his life...

“Adrien? Oh Adrien,” Nino says his name in a song like tune. “Time for the show, let’s go.”

Adrien gets up and grabs his guitar. “Let’s do this guys!”

His friends chuckle and they do their backstage circle before they get on stage. While they usually start off the show with one of their classics, they decided to start slow before playing their more hardcore stuff.

As Adrien, he never could be on stage with people constantly watching his every move and wonder how he will fuck up his family name. But as Chat Noir, he belonged to no one. He wasn’t the son of a famous fashion designer. He wouldn’t be in the tabloids the next day. No instead he got to play till his hearts content and go home.

That was until he looked up at the balcony where a group of girls were cheering them on.

And that’s when he spotted her. Even though his eyes were slightly blinded by the bright lights, he can still see her raven black hair that can be mistaken for a dark blue. She blue bell eyes that he can stare at all day. There was only one girl who can ever have him in a trance such as this.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

The girl who stole his heart and the one who will forever be known as his first love.

He continued to sing into the microphone, not removing his eyes from her. “Just another day started out like any other. Just another girl who took my breath away.” He sang, continuing on with his performance. The crowd loved it, girls getting closer to the stage to get his and the others attention.

But Adrien can only stare at one girl.

The one who got away.

#fanfic #miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #we belong together fanfic

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kweebtrash · 4 years

Text

Hey Beautiful Stranger

Pairing: StarvingArtist!Johnny X Reader(with some characterization)

Genre: lots of angst, some fluff, and smut

Features: imperfect, awkward, fluffy sex with tons of kisses and caresses and uncertainty.

Word Count: 17k

Summary: Johnny had lost it all, became invisible to the world, felt like nothing and absolutely defeated. He tried to stay positive but it was a joke. A passerby, huffing and sprinting through the dingy train station catches his eye and he wonders what life would be like happier with her. He wanted what he used to have, to feel loved, like he was someone’s someone.

A/N: I sobbed while writing this so good luck. Also will put some sort of moodboard/gif beneath the title eventually. Also also this is based in New York

Johnny Only Masterlist Other Stories Buy me a Ko-Fi

April 17

The heels of my boots clacked wildly against the dirty subway platform. I was late. Incredibly so. After a night of drinking with some friends I had slept through my alarm. My head was still buzzing and my stomach swished with nausea. Work was the farthest thing from my mind but I couldn’t call off. The friends I had gone out with were also my coworkers and I couldn't risk them ratting me out. I had to at least pretend my body wasn’t on the verge of collapsing and that I was a fully functioning adult who hadn't been irresponsible. It's only 8 hours, I kept telling myself. Only 8 hours. And then an hour long commute to and from during rush hour so you’d be packed in between a bunch of hot, sweaty strangers in business suits or school uniforms. My so-called pep talk had failed miserably and for now I settled on reaching into my purse to retrieve my headphones and block out the world before I became more frustrated and grumpy at the irritating commuters. Without stopping, I fished around for them but when I pulled them out they were a jumbled mess. I scoffed loudly, ready to scream at my first world problems and inconveniences. As I fumbled through the knots and twists I heard a voice behind me.

“Hey beautiful stranger.”

I rolled my eyes. Fucking annoying cat callers. This early? I didn’t even look that good. They would go for anything with a pulse if it meant getting off on harassment. I ignored the voice and continued on my way, staring down the tracks and waiting for my day to be over.

April 18

I managed to wake up to my alarm this time. There was no rushing or haphazard throwing on of clothes. There was even enough time to stop at a food cart on the sidewalk and get a cup of coffee and a bagel. Starbucks was way too expensive for me and I saw it as a delicacy. The street carts ran by immigrants, though not the most top notch as far as health codes, reminded me of my childhood home. My mom knew all the cart owners and spoke to them everyday, on the corner, on her way to work, when we walked through the city and got hot dogs, all of it gave me a spark of happiness to start my day. I recalled how weird I was as a kid. I never wanted to eat the hot dog buns. Instead my favorite cart owner would wrap two hot dogs in aluminum foil for me, always laughing at my pickiness. After a ruffle of my hair my mother and I would be back on our way, continuing our shopping or park adventures.

I liked mornings like this where I could cherish the little things. It made me feel somewhat less lonely. My small and overpriced apartment was always empty save for myself. I spent nights either quietly on the couch or sometimes going out but it all still felt empty and like a routine. These moments reminded me that I was actually alive, a semi functioning person who had some cosmic role in this universe. Or maybe I was just a weirdo enjoying her bagel.

My descent on the subway stairs wasn’t as lively as yesterday. For whatever reason there was somewhat more room on the platform. I started heading to my usual waiting spot when I heard that voice again.

“Hey beautiful stranger.” It couldn’t have been the same catcaller from yesterday? What were the odds of that? Unless he had the same morning commute I did. That would be weird but it was the city and plenty of people had jobs to get to. That still didn't give him permission to try and cat call me. I turned to look back at the voice and was taken aback with surprise.

He was young, around my age, his brown hair a little greasy from days unwashed but he was beautiful. He was smiling brightly, making his small eyes close and crinkle. It seemed so genuine for a homeless person.

I didn’t know why he was happy sitting on a dity blanket in a subway with a small cup in front of him. His only possession beside his backpack was a good sized keyboard that laid across his lap. A homeless performer. That was common down here. Sometimes it was the only way for them to make a buck or two and hope that it was enough for some food. His sweetness made me stop then I looked at the cup rather guiltily. I didn’t care to give him any money; hell i had no idea if i had spare change or singles. Instead I gave him a tight lipped smile which he responded to with a slight nod.

I began my walking once more, a little faster this time. I wanted to get away from him. Sometimes seeing homeless people irritated me, sometimes hearing the homeless performers drove me mad because the subway was already chaotic and I just wanted some peace. But he made me feel something else and for whatever reason I felt tears prickling at my eyes.

April 19

“Hey beautiful stranger.”

I stopped and turned towards him, staring him down. His eyes were still bright. His smile was still warm. What the fuck did he have to smile about? His cup was only filled with two pennies. He couldn’t do anything about that. So why did he seem so...happy?

“What do you keep saying that?” I decided to speak to him.

“Because it’s true.” His fingers pressed down against a few keys creating a beautiful little melody.

“Do you say that to every girl that passes by? Like to try and get them to give you money.”

He shook his head. “Nope. Just you.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s true.” He repeated.

My cheeks flushed in an embarrassing way and I hoped he hadn’t noticed. “Well I’m not giving you any money. You shouldn’t guilt people into doing that. I know you guys can blow up as soon as someone denies you.”

“‘You guys’?” He didn’t stop playing nor did he look up at me from his seated position. “What do you mean by that?”

“Like...um…” My voice softened as if the word was a slur. “You know, you homeless guys.”

He laughed. It was an awkward laugh yet it almost made me want to start laughing. Infectious. “I’m not trying to guilt you. I just hope you have a nice day.”

I was taken aback. He wanted me to have a good day while he probably sat here for hours with nothing to do but play his keyboard. I had no idea how to respond and that was when he finally lifted his eyes. Warm again. Warmth and sweetness like the perfect cup of coffee on a winter day. The kind that makes you grip both your hands around it tight and blow through the little hole on the cover until you were able to taste the cream and sugar without burning yourself. It was like a recharge of energy.

The banging and rocking of the train suddenly appeared in the background. It was my train and if I didn’t leave now I would miss it. I couldn’t hear what he said through the noise but his lips moved around those words again. Beautiful Stranger.

April 25th

He was there everyday and I ignored him everyday. My headphones were always in and I tried to keep my head forward. I never had my music playing. Without missing a beat my eyes would shift towards him as I passed by. Those full lips never failed to curl into a smile. His favorite words to me were always said. Eventually I wanted to hear those words as much as possible.

April 26

“Hi.” I greeted him this time.

His eyes widened when he saw me. “Hey beautiful stranger.”

I kneeled down and held out a five dollar bill. It felt weird to put it in the battered coffee cup when he was sitting right there and I had struck up the conversation. He stared at it for a while as if he was reluctant to take it from me. “You don’t have to.” His voice was so low, so small, so ashamed.

“It’s okay. Take it.”

When his hand didn’t move from the keyboard I grabbed it, turning his palm upward and setting the money in it. His hand was rough. Calloused. Dry. But his fingers were delicate. I found myself focusing on them as they curled around the bill. His gaze was still in his lap and with the same tone he whispered a thank you.

The train barreled into the station earlier than I expected. My time was up and I couldn't say more to him. I rose to my feet and bit my lip as if I was nervous to ask someone on a date. I wondered why I felt nervous. There wasn’t anything to be nervous about. Maybe it was because I didn’t want him to feel like it was charity. Was it charity anyway since he was technically asking for it and I responded? The cup was an invitation for exchanges and yet from his reaction I realized that he wasn’t happy. Of course not. He didn’t want to be asking for money but he still wanted to be positive, if not for himself then to spread it to the people around him.

May 1

As I shuffled down the stairs amongst a crowd of people I noticed him. He wasn't awake or playing his keyboard. Instead he was curled up on his dirty blanket, fist wrapped tightly around the strap of the case to his prized possession. The hood from his sweater was inching off his head with every shift of his body and his eyes kept squeezing shut as if to block out the bright lights above him. I don't know why I found it strange. He needed sleep at some point but I never thought that he would be sleeping here.

I stopped beside him and removed my headphones. "Hey...are you ok?"

His eyes opened instantly though they still strained against the fluorescence above me. "Hey beautiful stranger." His voice was lower, scratchy with sleep. The dark circles beneath his eyes were deeper and his cheeks looked more sunken.

"You don't look so good." I squatted down to his level to get a closer look at him. "You aren't playing your keyboard."

"No inspiration today." He mumbled.

"Your cup isn't out either…"

"What's the point? I get ignored anyway." All the positivity he had seemed to have drained away faster than rain in a sewage gate.

"I'm not ignoring you, am i?"

"You're different." He turned his gaze upwards and finally the faintest of smiles was on his lips. "The lights make you look like an angel."

I looked towards the ceiling at the rows of lights above then back at him. "Trust me i'm no angel."

"You are. You just don't know it yet."

I changed the subject quickly. His compliments, though sweet, seemed off, as if he was fading from this world. "Are you ok?" I asked again. I could see his eyes watering slightly and instead of looking at my face he was now fixated on my morning bagel. "Are you hungry?"

He shoved his hands into the pocket of his hoodie and shrugged quietly. Against the normal ruckus of the subway station I could hear his stomach growling. "When was the last time you ate?"

"It's fine. You're gonna be late. Just go." It was unlike him to sound this harsh.

"Please answer me." I was concerned now. I had never been concerned about a homeless person on the street. There wasn't anything I could do to make their lives easier, or so I thought.

"I dont know...two days maybe?"

"Two days?!" I practically shrieked. "How have you not eaten for two days?"

He glared at me instantly. "I told you. I'm ignored. People dont give a fuck about me. I try my damndest and get nowhere...not anywhere...nothing."

Maybe that was why his cup was gone. Not enough money to sustain what little he had. I held out my bagel to him. "Take this."

"No."

"Take it."

"I dont want your fucking bagel."

The first time I truly touched him, touched his soul even; a gentle graze against the stubble on his chin to lift his head. "Take it. Please. My coffee too."

His lips trembled as a few tears fell. He wanted to be strong. He really did. He wanted to try his best and survive and yet he couldn't. We were all trying to survive, in our own way, on our own level of importance. His resolve was gone as he took the food from me with a small sniffle. My train was coming now. "Will you be here after five?"

He scoffed slightly. "Where else would I have to be?"

"Just stay here ok? I'll come back." I promised. I already had an idea of how I wanted to help him further. My investment in him still baffled me but I decided to pursue it. The gratefulness on his face when he took that first bite was enough to solidify my resolution.

May 1, evening

The first night I sat with him. I set out a small picnic of granola bars, apples, a couple bottles of water, a cold sandwich I had gotten from a local deli and a bag of chips. Of course he rejected it at first. I told him it wasn't much but it was all I could do for now. He said he didn't know how to thank me. Maybe he would write a song for me one day. Play it for me as I walked by so he knew he had been waiting for me. Hey beautiful stranger. He laughed at my suggested title.

"Yeah, hey beautiful stranger...hey beautiful angel."

May 15

I found myself waking up earlier and earlier just so I could have enough time to talk to him before my train arrived. I would sit beside him on his blanket, knees to my chest as I listened. His name was Johnny and he had been a college student studying music. He had a good life. He had friends he made music with, he had a family he spoke to, he had love in his life. But then he lost his job and his roommates moved out without a warning. He couldn’t pay for the expensive apartment on his own. He tried and tried to get another job somewhere, anywhere. He had decent qualifications so why wouldn’t anyone accept him? Rent got behind and he sold everything he had to try and make due, everything except his keyboard.

His parents had gifted it to him when he got accepted into college. It was the one thing that meant the world to him. I loved to watch him play. Sometimes when I came to visit him he would show me a new piece that he thought of. Said I was his muse. I didn’t think I had done anything inspirational or artistic enough to warrant a song being produced about me but Johnny did. Occasionally I would catch him scribbling in a small notebook that he had but whenever I questioned him about it he would hold it far away from me. It always made me laugh that he was shy about his creativity but my curiosity grew with each moment his stub of a pencil touched paper.

“How do I even inspire you? I’m not special.” I said on this day as I tried to make a grab for the notebook teasingly.

He kept it against his chest and shoved me away gently. “That’s not true. Of course you’re special. You’re the only person that sees me.”

“Sees you? Everyone can see you. You’re right here.”

“No, you see me. You know I'm real.”

A silence fell between us. It wasn’t uncomfortable but rather a sudden overwhelming sadness. He wanted to be seen. He wanted the world to see him yet I was the only one. Was I his world?

“Do your parent’s know about you...about this I mean?” I said finally.

“No...I’m too embarrassed to talk to them. Not that I could anyway. I don’t have a phone. I know they would be disappointed in me. I haven’t been able to save up enough money to go back either. So I'm just,” He shrugged and sighed deeply. “Stuck.”

“Is this the only way you make money? Or try to?” I looked at the cup that had a few more coins than it did yesterday.

“Yeah...I’m also too embarrassed to ask people outright. Like, you know when you’re on the train and people go through the cars and ask? I can’t do that. I tried once and it felt even worse than anything i could ever imagine. I felt so...pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic, johnny. You’re far from it. You’re someone. You’re someone’s someone.”

“Am I your someone?”

I straightened up quickly. “M-my someone? I-I just meant like-”

“Or do you have someone?” His grip on the notebook grew tighter as his lips turned into a thin line. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I just-ignore what I said, please.”

This was the part in our routine where the train came and I left him. I really wasn’t sure what to say. I had been someone’s someone before. Someone's that never lasted, never cared, never let me live. Romantic someones. But who was Johnny’s someone? I was the only friend he had. When he couch hopped after he was evicted he had friends-until they got tired of him not being able to find work. I considered us friends, better than those people who left him. But what could I do?

“I gotta go…” I said just as soft as he had the first time I gave him money.

He never responded and I got on the train that day feeling strange. I was lucky enough to grab a seat and as I sat down and squeezed my purse to my chest I wondered what he felt. It couldn’t be love or anything like that. That was preposterous. I liked him as a friend, as someone I talked to everyday, as someone I had gone accustomed to. But what if he had grown too attached to me? Was that healthy for him? He was always hiding behind a smile. There wasn’t really telling what level his mental health was on. He could see me as someone to cling to and maybe if I left him his heart would be broken. I wanted him to find success on his own. Of course, I would support him but I didn’t want to be a crutch.

I rubbed my forehead as I felt a tension headache starting to come through. I was overthinking this. He just needed a friend, I was his friend, end of story. He was a genuine person but there wasn’t any way I could be interested in him like that. It just wouldn’t work. I felt a little bad thinking that but it is what it is. We were just friends.

June 2

17 days. I hadn’t seen him for 17 days. I worried so much that sometimes I would cry at night for him, which surprised me. It was normal to be worried for a friend but to cry? I guess it couldn’t be helped. He could be dead. He could be gutted somewhere and no one would find him. He wouldn’t even be able to have a funeral. He would stay forgotten like he was afraid to be. I wish I could call him, speak with him, hell even send him a letter. Anything that would let me know he was okay. Alive and as well as he could be.

I curled up on my side and pulled my thin bed sheet over me. The rain outside had made the city much colder. What if he was stuck in the rain? What if he couldn’t find anywhere to hide? Silent tears continued to fall down my face and as a lightning bolt struck I fell into another cycle of scary thoughts. “Please…” I hiccuped. “Please just give me a sign that he’s okay.” I said out loud to my darkened bedroom. It was some sort of prayer. Not a religious one but something for the universe to hear. I hoped the wind could help my words travel. Spin and turn and twirl around buildings, weave through people, and finally fall on Johnny’s ears.

June 7

I dropped my coffee onto the platform. The milky brown liquid swam into cracks and splattered onto shined leather shoes and heels. The expletives and damnations fell on deaf ears. I couldn’t believe it. I ran to him, crashing into his chest and forcing him to take a step back. “What the-?” He realized it was me then and his tension relaxed. His large hand fell on top of my head and I heard his heartbeat increase against my ear. “Hey beautiful stranger.”

I pulled away and landed a punch to his bicep. “What the hell is wrong with you?! I haven’t seen you in weeks! I was so fuckin-”

He pressed a finger to his lips, shushing me before he giggled. “You’re making everyone think you’re crazy. Calm down.”

“Don’t you tell me to calm down!” I pouted and looked away as my eyes watered. I blinked the tears away quickly and sniffed. “I was just worried.” I said quietly. “I didn’t know where you were or if you were hurt…”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. I’m not used to people caring this much.” He set his keyboard case against the wall and his backpack on the ground. He hunkered down and unzipped it, pulling out the blanket he always sat on, only this time it was a lot cleaner. He opened it up and laid it on the platform before sitting down and patting the space beside him. I quickly joined him and pouted.

“You made me drop my coffee.”

“I’m sorry. Let’s say I owe you one, ok?”

“Where did you even go?”

“Well, I got word of this place that helps homeless people try and get jobs. So I got one but it was temporary. Nothing really came of it even though I showed up everyday on time and did what I needed to do. It was bullshit. I made some money though and even slept in a motel. It was awesome.”

“Motel’s have phones, you know.”

“Yes but Johnny’s doesn't have beautiful stranger’s phone numbers.”

“Hush.” I nudged him, knowing that he was right. “Give me your notebook and I’ll write it down.”

He reached into his bag and dug around for it before squinting at me. “You’re trying to see what i've written, aren't you?”

“Me? No! This is for emergencies! My phone number, you know!”

“Then tell me it, I’ll write it down myself.” He hunched over the notebook and made sure I couldn’t see anything.

I giggled and leaned over his back, trying to reach for it. “Johnnnyyyy! Come on! Just let me see it once! Have you finished the song?!"

He turned his head and because I was so close his lips stopped mere centimeters before mine. He sat silent and contemplating and yet I was the first to pull away. "S-sorry." I said meekly.

"No, no. It's okay. I was...um…" He held out his notebook and the pen and I jotted my number down quickly.

"Don't forget me now, ok?"

"I won't ever forget you. I thought about you all the time. I had this stupid dream that you waited for me here everyday." He laughed solemnly. "Its kind of dumb."

"I did, on occasion, for as long as I could before I had to get on the train. Sometimes I waited for a bit when I got off work."

"Really?" Johnny's eyes widened in shock.

I nodded. "I don't know...I was just worried but I said that already."

"It makes me happy that you care. Really happy." He smiled for just a second as it quickly turned into a frown. "The train's here. I dont want you to miss it."

"I'm not going to work."

"What do you mean? You have to. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Eh, I'll call in sick or something. I think I want to spend the day with you." I said.

"With me? What the hell for? You wanna sit on a dirty ground until your ass goes numb?"

"No I want to eat, go to the park, maybe get some ice cream….with you."

He sighed and leaned back against the wall. "I haven't really done anything like that in ages. Just spending the day having fun."

"Then let me remind you, Johnny. Come have fun with me."

"I can't…" He replied. "I don't have much money left."

"I don't care about that. I'll treat you."

"No." He said sternly.

"Johnny, it's ok. I don't mind."

"I don't want you wasting your money on me."

"It's not wasting money when you're with a friend. Were friends, right? I mean we better be since I've talked to you almost every day for like 2 months."

"Yeah, we were friends but…"

"No buts. Please?" I held onto his arm and leaned my head on his shoulder making comically puppy dog eyes and pouting. "Please?"

"Ok. I'll do it. But only if you stop looking at me like that."

"That's my "i get what I want" face. It never worked once on my mom. Glad it worked on you." I bounced to my feet and held out my hand to help him up. He grabbed it and hauled himself up before stuffing the blanket back in his bag. "Your stuff must be heavy. Do you want to drop it off at my place?"

"Your place? Your house? Like me, go where you live?" Johnny asked as if he was frightened.

"Yes? What's wrong with that?"

"You trust me enough to do that?"

"Well youre not gonna murder me are you? If you were I'm sure you would have done it a hell of a lot sooner."

"No, im not going to murder you." Johnny replied as he rolled his eyes. "Just that...the last time i was at a friends house i was getting kicked out."

"I'm not kicking you out, I'm inviting you in, silly." I took his hand in mine and tugged on it just a little. "Come on."

He grabbed his belongings and followed as I led him out of the subway station. This was the first time I had seen him outside, in the sunlight that beamed through the city pollution. He was even more beautiful to me now. His skin glowed like warm amber and his eyes had honeyed as the light refracted through them. I had always thought he was good looking but why did he seem so ethereal now? I almost missed the stoop to my apartment from staring at him for so long. I hoped he hadn't noticed. "It's here," I announced to not only to stop myself from being a creep but to alert Johnny that he almost walked too far as well.

I set the key in the lock of the front door and opened it, allowing him to walk through first. After three torturous flights of stairs we arrived at my tiny apartment that seemed like a room more than anything. "Well...this is it. Sorry it's not great or anything."

"It's amazing." He set his keyboard and backpack down and looked around in bewilderment, like he had never seen a home before. "It's cool that you have your own place."

"Rent is not cool. And neither are utility bills." I joked. "City living is shit."

Johnny shrugged. "Expenses aside it's not too bad. I lived in the suburbs as a kid and came to the city for school."

"I've lived here all my life and I'm still over it."

He chuckled and shoved his hands in his pockets. "So...we're here. My stuffs here...what do we do?"

"Do you want to freshen up or something? If you have clothes to wash I can do that for you."

Johnny looked down at his outfit; faded and torn jeans, a dull grey-green shirt, and a hoodie tied around his waist. "Oh." He bent his feet on their sides and rocked a little. "I guess I should look somewhat better if we're gonna go out together."

"You look fine! I just meant if you wanted to shower or something! I'm assuming it's kind of a luxury?" I winced at my words, hoping I didn't sound offensive.

"Better than me bending over a sink in a mcdonald's bathroom that's for sure. But if you're offering then that would be pretty cool. You don't have to wash my stuff though. I'd feel weird if you'd do all that for me."

"It's nothing," I shrugged. "Just leave your clothes outside the bathroom door. Do you have any other clothes in your backpack?"

"Uh.. " He rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously. "Dirty underwear."

"Oh please." I waved it off. "Use whatever you want and I'll load the laundry as you shower."

"Well...alright…" He kicked off his shoes and carefully walked towards the direction of the bathroom as if he was still too scared to be here. I made sure he had everything he needed before I grabbed the clothes he took off and left outside the bathroom door. After, I went to his bag to get the rest of the laundry. I set his blanket aside as I figured I'd wash that as well before finding his underwear and some socks. While rifling through his bag I saw his notebook and temptation struck. I could read it. I could find out what he thought about me, what he wrote about me, the songs or poems he created. But I didn't.

June 7, evening

First we got breakfast. It was a little more advanced than the normal bagels and coffee we exchanged; pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast. He scarfed it down in minutes, trying not to talk in between bites though he wanted to tell me all his adventures. He didn't stop hustling even as he worked. Once he clocked out he put away his nicer clothes in exchange for his normal ragged jeans and t-shirt and went onto street corners and other stations to play.

That area wasn't as bustling as it was here. Occasionally people would stop to listen to him and he once earned 20 bucks in one week. A new record, he said. He was proud of that. Proud to have an audience, to capture people's attention again. To feel like someone. But still not someone's someone. That phrase had resonated with him since I said it. I hadn't even given thought to the impact it would bring. Words just flowed freely when I was around him and I felt every syllable. He wanted to find the person he could be someone for. Maybe magically while he was playing on the street or bumping into them on the sidewalk. He was a bit of a romantic and said if he were to ever star in a movie he'd want to in a romantic comedy.

Goofy. A klutzy little thing. Giggling and tripping on air as we trailed along the park after breakfast. I thought about holding his hand. His fingers had become a fascination to me. Piano fingers. Stretching across keys from pinky to thumb. Hands that seemed warm to the touch but when I brushed against him they were cold as ice. He said he was always cold no matter what the temperature was, like his body couldn't produce enough heat to save his life. It contrasted to my constant warmth and I offered him my hand to feel.

My previous thoughts had come true as he took my hands in his. Mine seemed to disappear beneath his fingers and while I focused on our skinship he was gushing about our temperature differences. My heart skipped a beat. A millisecond off rhythm yet alarming enough for me to realize that his charm and sweetness was deadly. The beats continued to be off as he dropped my hands yet remained as close as possible to me. What did he have to talk about? Everything. Anything. He just wanted to be heard. I couldn't focus on anything but him and that was a problem.

I took his picture by the small pond of the park. He outstretched his arms and closed his eyes, tilting his head back and shouting "I'm the king of the world!" as if he were on the titanic. It took several tries for him to be serious enough for me to get a steady picture and in the end he opted for a picture of us together. He had the longer arms so of course he held the phone out, thumb poised above the circle button as we got into our pose. I leaned my head close to his chest and made a small peace sign. Our smiles captured our summer ridiculousness and preciousness of our moments together.

I told him when he was able to get a phone I would send it to him so he could have it too. He had wanted to keep his old phone, even without the service, to look back on the things he'd done and people he spent time with but when the feelings got to be too much to bear and the money was scarce he sold it. He missed it. He liked taking pictures. Scenery, his friends, dogs especially. He went wild for all the dogs walking around the park. He always asked the owners if he could pet them. He was like a kid at the zoo, all excited for cuteness and rough licks. Sometimes I would have to tear him away from them as I could sense the owner's irritations of how long he wanted to stay with their pets.

Ice-ys were next; the cold semi solid that wasn't quite ice cream but soft enough to melt in your mouth the moment it touched your tongue. They were doused with saccharine sweetness that I'm sure was from corn syrup but made them delicious nonetheless. I told him my own stories of how when i was young i HAD to get rainbow flavored. My mom always asked what the rainbow tasted like (technically cherry but dyed in different colors) but i always made up some imaginative mystery flavor that changed each time. He liked my memories. Said they brought about his own. When he was happy with his mother, always following her and never leaving her side. He was a mama's boy and wasn't afraid to admit it. I thought that was cute. Supposedly mama's boys were supposed to treat women better though i wasn't sure how true that was. We walked along the rest of the park until we reached the playground. It was beaming with children but in the waves of screams and giggles we found solace on a pair of swings.

We swayed back and forth gently, finishing our ice-ys. I had upgraded my rainbow flavor for the definitely more adult flavor of coconut while he chose something akin to cotton candy. The breeze rolled in making suffering in the summer heat a little less miserable. But as the sun set and the night grew cooler I jumped at the idea of heading to one of my favorite bars.

"A bar? Holy shit." He laughed as if it was some magical land. "Getting shitfaced sounds great right about now." It was only because he was riding on the wave of happiness after being so long in the dark. That perfect smile was genuine now, no longer a facade to hide his pain. He wasn't much of a partier in college but when he did go he went all out. He was Mr. Social Butterfly, spinning around from girl to girl or high fiving friends and strangers. Sometimes he would get lucky. "Ah, sorry…" he was abashed now. "I probably shouldn't talk about that. Makes me sound like a fuck boy."

I shrugged. "We all have our hoe moments."

We both laughed at my comments and slipped inside the semi dim bar. It was more of a music venue. Bands would play calming music and it had a chill vibe. There was rarely a time where someone acted out and it was honestly the best place to relax at. Johnny loved the music as soon as it met his ears. It was jazzy, bassy, paired with smooth vocals of a woman whose abundance of curls sat like a royal crown on her head. He started to sway a bit while I turned to the bartender and ordered us two beers. "Do you want to go sit at that table?" I nodded in the direction of a corner that was just barely illuminated by a hazy purple light. He agreed and we made our way over, sitting down and beginning to sip away our troubles.

I couldn't even remember how long we stayed there. We were way past the amount of alcohol we should have had and our conversation turned into nothing but giggle fits and touching. My hand would meet his and hed stroke the back of it or entwine our fingers until the intimate moment made him back away. I didn't mind it at all. I was starting to fall in love with his fingers. As my eyes closed to soak in the music I could see his fingers trailing over my naked body as he kissed a heated traill against my skin. I came crashing down instantly to pull myself from that thought. What the hell was that? Why would I even think of such a thing? It was the alcohol. Of course it was. I always had the potential of getting handsy when I drank. It was a logical explanation to an illogical thought.

"I should uh, get going." He chuckled softly. "I had a really nice time today though. Amazing even." His eyes smiled at me and my heart dropped into my stomach. No. Please dont look at me like that. With those eyes I've seen cry and think and pray for a better day. I tried to make today that day and seemed to have succeeded but I didn't want to let him go.

I shook my head quickly. "You're not going back to the subway station. No way."

"Well i have to get my stuff back at your place but i have to go back sometime."

"No...stay…" i thought that he hadn't heard me over the music and the nearby conversations but he had.

"Stay? With you in your apartment?" There he was with those incredulous questions, shocked at caring gestures that i'm sure had underlying selfishness.

I nodded this time. "I don't mind. I want you to stay tonight."

"I...uh…" he wanted to protest. It was easy to see but his mouth snapped shut and he wouldn't look me in the eye. He returned my nod, keeping his head down.

I slid out of the chair, standing on wobbly feet and extended my hand towards him. He took it and our swaying bodies made our way outside only to be smacked by a torrential downpour. It was a full on waterfall from the sky and Johnny and I were soaked in seconds. I frantically looked around for some sort of shelter as the bar was hitting towards closing time. Around the corner was the back door to the bar that was barely covered by an awning. I dragged Johnny towards it and we plastered ourselves together, shivering harshly. "What should we do?!" He asked.

It was almost hard to hear him through the rush of rain. "We can't walk to the subway and take the train. We'd be soaked even more!" I realized that we weren't even an inch apart when he looked at me, searching for a normal solution to our current problem while I zeroed in on his lips.

He licked them like a nervous habit. "Do you have enough for an uber?"

"I should!" I had paid a semi hefty amount for our plethora of drinks but i was sure i could afford it. Johnny hovered over me, trying to assist in protecting my phone from any water that might fall on it as I tapped open the app. I could feel the soft puffs of breath he produced against my cheek and it was like he was even closer to me if it were possible. "It's about ten minutes away." I said softly.

"C-cool." He replied through chattering teeth. "We seriously need to get warm."

I swallowed hard. "Y-yeah. Maybe some coffee will help sober us up when we get back to my place."

"Sobering up is good. We should definitely do that." He chuckled.

We fell silent. I could hear my heart thundering and feel Johnny's as I pressed my hand to his chest. He became curious at my actions and with a tilt of his head confidence washed over me as hard as the rain had. The moment our lips met he cupped my face in his large hands, holding me as if he would never dare to let go. We were hungry for each other. Desperate for our tongues to meld and lips to tear into moments that would freeze in time. I fisted his soaked shirt in my hands before they snaked around his neck while his fell to my hips. Fingertips dug into my jeans like he was clawing at me. I was lost in him and it wasn't until the buzzing of my phone broke us apart. The driver had messaged me that he was in front of the bar and was ready to go.

Johnny cleared his throat but stayed quiet as he walked into the rain again and slid into the car, soaking the poor driver's backseat. As the ride progressed I looked over at Johnny but he was focused on staring at the blurry city lights outside the window. My mind was suddenly plagued with thoughts of him feeling potentially regretful. But he had initiated it and I reciprocated...was that bad?

By the time we arrived at my apartment it was no longer a torrent but still quite heavy. We ran as fast as we could to get inside. Our bones were still trembling but he went to the bathroom while I went to my room to discard the clothes that were now stuck like a second skin. I left him some oversized sweats that I had for him to put on while I shuffled quickly into a hoodie and shorts. While I waited for him to finish getting dressed, I started on two cups of instant decaf. Just as they finished and I was heading towards my couch Johnny sat down and graciously took the mug from me. After a few sips we both gained warmth but still felt the awkward presence that lingered between us from our interrupted kiss.

He started the conversation we both didn't seem to want to have. "I'm sorry about the kiss. I crossed a line and-"

"I wanted it." I cut him off. "This whole day...i-i don't know what it is about you but there's something. At the bar when we touched, on the swings at the park, listening to all your memories. I don't know what to think about you anymore."

His mouth hung open and he stared at me like a wide eyed rabbit. "I uh...um…you dont-we shouldn't…" He seemed to have no idea how to form the words he wanted to say but when i heard the negative conjunction my stomach started to twist into knots. "I'm not good for you."

"Says who?" I scoffed.

"You know i'm not. You don't need someone like me. You need someone who can take care of you and support you. I'm a good for nothing."

"Shut up." I snapped. "I've never thought of you like that."

"Yes you have. When we first met. You wanted to ignore me. You thought I was a nuisance. You can't lie to me about that. I know that feeling all too well."

He was right. I had felt that initially but it had been so long that it seemed like it never existed in my mind. "You're right but i don't think that now, Johnny. And if i say i want you then i want you." I set my coffee cup down again and scooted closer to him but he backed away instantly.

"Please...don't do this. I can't handle something like this. It's…"

I took his hand in mind and looked into his eyes, silently begging him to see what I saw in him. He was going to be someone's someone...perhaps even mine…

His voice was trembling and he pulled away from me to cover his face. I couldn't bear to see him cry again but if he truly didn't want me then there was nothing I could do except hurt in secret. "I don't want something good to come into my life then leave again…" He said after swallowing his fear.

"I wouldn't leave you...you said I see you remember?" I laid my head on his shoulder and took his hand back to fold our fingers together. "You're as bright as the sun."

"Only when I'm with you. I feel so human it's insane."

"Will you please stay with me tonight? I'd worry so much if you left now." I said softly.

Johnny still seemed hesitant but he had relaxed more as he felt our skin against each other. "O-okay. I'll stay but um...should i just sleep on the couch?"

I looked up at him and chuckled. "Well...i wouldn't mind continuing what we started at the bar...in my room." The remnants of the alcohol had made me a bit bold but I wanted him to continue with his emotions of humanity. I wanted us to feel each other like we both needed something so desperately to hold onto. That vision I had at the bar had replayed in my mind a few times since we had gotten home and I couldn't seem to shake the need. To have his body against mine, to feel him inside me, so deep he could rut into my heart and see the bubbling culmination of confusion that had been brewing there. I too was scared but willing to share a sliver of passion and end to hopelessness.

Johnny returned my giggles and tried not to look at me. "It's been awhile. It's gonna be so bad. Like really bad."

I shook my head. "I don't think so. It's been awhile for me too so we can both be awkward about it." I found a smidge of comfort in his lack of confidence. At least we shared that in the moment.

"Fuck…" He breathed out. "You really want me?"

"Stop finding it so hard to believe that you’re worth attention and attraction and...um...well...sex." The shyness was definitely hitting now.

He set an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me to him. "You're insane, you know that?"

"You can keep your wrong opinions to yourself, mister. But in all seriousness if you don't want to, i understand." The sudden realization that I was perhaps pressuring him hit and I began to backpedal. I was coming on too strong, too hooked on the physical though still tethered to the emotional. Maybe I was in too deep. The uncertainty was getting unbearable at this point.

"N-no, um,...it's cool. Yeah, uh, let's do...it." he laughed nervously.

I was the first to stand up and led him to my room. He followed a few paces behind, still cautious but when we got under the covers to face each other it seemed to ease both our souls. It was the biggest sense of comfort to be beside him. His long limbs wrapped around me and the coziness of my comforter provided the perfect amount of warmth to the echoes of our icy skin. When our lips finally met again it was almost as if they had never separated in the first place. Our breaths were shared between our tongues and I clutched onto him. He let out the softest of moans when he shifted me onto my back and my fingers dug into his shoulder blades more.

With our bodies plastered together the urge to see him naked took over and I slowly began to move my hands down his back and beneath his shirt. He jerked away, a little breathless but alarmed. "Can i uh...keep my shirt on?"

No man had ever asked me that before. "What? Why?"

"I’m kinda like...scrawny now and i'm pretty sure i don't look as good as i used to."

"O-oh...well if it makes you feel better though i think you look handsome."

He dove his head into the crook of my neck disguising his embarrassment with fragile kisses. I could feel how weak his body was but I didn't care. I would take care of him now. I never wanted to see the look on his face like when he felt so defeated and hesitant to take that bagel from me. I turned my head slightly to press my lips to his forehead and comb my fingers through his damp hair. "But," I continued. "You can do whatever you feel most comfortable with."

He nodded and settled against my chest, curling against my side and starting to rub the soft flesh of my stomach. With just a tilt of his head he connected us again only this time we were much slower. A tingle slithered up my spine as I felt his fingers trickle downward to pry beneath my shorts. I swallowed hard and spread my thighs, allowing his hand more room to work. Our eyes met and shared the tentativeness as the first of his fingers worked a minuscule stroke between my lower lips. I sighed softly as I sunk back onto the mattress and willed my body to relax, to accept the fact that he was almost too pure to corrupt. He was ready for it and spent his time gauging all of my reactions to his wandering fingers.

Whimpers and mewls followed the curious curls of his fingertips within me. His exploring was trying to find spots that increased those sounds yet he seemed to miss the mark each time. Gently I grabbed a hold of his wrist with one hand and guided the flow of his fingers with the other. With each command he grew accustomed to what I desired until I was gripping onto his sweatshirt with the prospect of an orgasm. "I want to make you feel so good…" he said so faintly i almost didn't hear it but when i caught the words i nodded quickly and arched my back slightly to create a pathway for more intense and deeper penetration. "I-is it o-okay if i make you wait a little longer?"

At first I only cracked one eye open, annoyed at the fact that his fingers were slowing down but then I saw the burning crimson across his cheeks. "Is it because you want to do it together?"

He gave me the smallest of nods. "If we can…"

I could accept his offer for trying to sync our orgasms though I was sure it might be nearly impossible given our natural biology. However, it meant more intimacy between him and I wanted that more than anything. I told him it was alright and he pulled his fingers out slowly, admiring the way I had coated them, already having been excited from our kisses. Meanwhile I rummaged through the drawer of my nightstand to find the few condoms I had scattered across the bottom of it. They had been forgotten but not expired thankfully. "Do you want me to help you or…?"

Johnny's head snapped up and his eyes zeroed in on the foil. He snatched it up quickly and turned away from me to fumble through rolling the condom on. Before I could even see him he was under the covers but had thrown his sweatpants aside. "Have you always been this shy?" I asked and I slipped in beside him.

"No. I was more confident before. Now i just...i don't know."

"You're not going to mess up or anything. I just want to feel you. I don't care about having some perfect experience. Sex should’nt be about perfection it should be about bringing us closer."

"Stop saying things like that or else i'm gonna fall in love with you." His eyes widened and he started to stumble over an excuse but I pulled him in for a kiss while my hand stroked over him, the lube from the condom making it easier. Faint moans fell onto my tongue in between small gasps of breaths. He felt different then what I thought he would. Though his body looked fragile he seemed to fill up my hand completely. Small doubts pricked at my mind and I wondered if I could even accept all of him.

"Will you go slow at first?" I wondered out loud.

Johnny brows furrowed as my thumb swiped over the ridge of his head and back down again. "Of course. I'll do-" A hitch caught his throat and he quickly fisted the comforter. "I'll do whatever you want."

I pumped my hand faster, watching him crumble and tremble at every sensation. His face was a vision of beauty even through his slender features. The way those hues of pink and crimson still stained his olive cheeks was the cutest and complimented the rose of his lips, now coated with his tongue and glistening. And suddenly his front teeth dug into his bottom lip in the least sexiest way possible but it was so unbelievably adorable I couldn't help but smile. Here we were, trying to fuse our bodies together somehow and all i could think about was how much i was starting to never want him to leave. I didn't want him to go back to a dingy subway and suffer. I wanted him to stay in my arms, against my lips, inside me, caressing my face and looking at me with those warm honey eyes that crinkled when he smiled.

Where along the lines had I fallen for him? When had he become the person that made my heart swell so much i felt like i couldn't breathe? Months ago I couldn't be bothered with him and now he was all I craved.

"Y-you're staring at me…" he whispered.

My hand had apparently stopped stroking and I had rested my chin on his chest as I watched the emotions ebb and flow across his face. I perked my head up and exchanged glances between his face and my hand still wrapped around his shaft. "O-oh...uh…'' I was embarrassed now and panicking about what I should do. I had definitely taken all traces of sexiness from the moment as well. "S-sorry. I was being weird and didn't realize…"

"I mean, it still felt pretty good i just wasn't sure why you were staring...Do i look weird or something?"

I quickly shook my head. "N-no...the opposite. I think you're gorgeous."

He scoffed and looked away quickly. "Shouldn't i be saying that to you?"

I threaded my free hand through his hair and giggled. "I don't know...guess we can say it to each other. I know it's true on my end."

Johnny sighed softly and took my hand away from him. Instead he placed a kiss across the back of my knuckles before scooting onto his side to tug at my pajama shorts. We worked through groping limbs and almost hitting each other because we couldn't decide if he was going to take them off or was I. Trying to do it together was a mess but I was finally released and tossed my shirt along with them. "Oh wow." Was all he said and I quickly crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"A good wow?"

He nodded and beamed at me as he pulled me close. "Come here."

I fell into his arms and felt the squeezing hold around me. I clutched at his shirt as he slowly shifted on top of me. Instinctively I settled my legs on the outside of his hips. Soon I could feel him prodding against me as if he needed a map to find my entrance. He apologized as his shaky hand moved between us to guide his head in. I tried to hide my grunt of discomfort but he stopped immediately like a prey facing its hunter. "Am i hurting you?!"

I rubbed his back gently to reassure him. "No, I just need to get used to it all. Don't worry, you're fine."

He nodded again, falling silent and giving me moments in between to rest. It seemed like hours but eventually he ventured inside all the way and I could feel the sudden heaviness in my lower stomach. My eyes fluttered shut and my head arched back against the pillow as his lips comforted my neck with kisses and careless whispers, anything to divert my attention to pleasure. His thrusts were miniscule and cautious- perfectly matching his outward personality. Everything he did turned my body to jello and soon he could thrust freely and take my breath away.

That was it. We were finally lost to the outside world and could only feel each other. Our lips seemed glued together and Johnny had preferred our hands to be enveloped in lieu of digging into his shoulders. Our palms exchanged nervous sweats while conservative moans circled around our heads like buzzing bees to honey. It almost felt like our hearts were on the same rhythm too-fast and excited, strained with keeping blood flowing to the minimal space between us. His hips were pumping faster now, a pace i didn't expect but figured he was trying to chase his own sense of pleasure. And I wanted him to. I kind of forgot about my body and what I was "supposed" to feel. Instead I shut my eyes and relaxed my soul letting him plow away at emotions and pleasures. I was floating and I wanted to stay in this magical place forever.

His breaths became shallower, his groans hiccuped in his throat and he choked out an apology. He shuddered under the weight of release and I felt the warmth flow against my walls. I smiled when he collapsed on top of me, trying to regain himself yet snuggling against my chest. "I'll make it up to you, I swear."

"It felt nice…" i said rather truthfully. Perfectly imperfect.

"Yeah but...that- that's not how this is supposed to go. I'm supposed to make sure that you cum. I wanted you to feel good."

"And i do feel good. I swear it. I just want you here with me."

"Why are you so damn sweet? You shouldn't be like that. You'll get hurt."

"Oh and you're planning to hurt me?" I questioned.

That instantly toned him down. "No...im sorry...my head is...i wanted you to…" He gave up trying to express himself and laid back down on my chest. I kissed his forehead and adjusted the covers over us keeping us wrapped in a tight cocoon. "You're scaring me shitless, you know that?" Johnny whispered.

"Why's that?"

"Because I definitely have feelings for you now."

June 8th

The sun came and went and so did Johnny.

July 4th

I stared up at the fireworks that exploded into various colors and patterns. My friends were giggling and trying to talk over the noise but I didn't hear anything at all. My world had been silent for over a month now. I had slipped back into the same routine I had started months ago. Crying at night, hoping and praying that he was okay. A whole month had gone without a single sight or word from him. It was like he disappeared into thin air. Sometimes it felt like I almost dreamed him up. There were days where I actually believed he didn't exist. Had I shown the world some crazy side of me born from true loneliness? If Johnny was real then i definitely knew how he felt now. Putting on a happy face while inside your heart brewed dark and stormy clouds.

I would stare at his spot at the subway station as if it was a grave, only a sight for memories and nothing more. That was all he ever would be now. And unfortunately I realized too late that I loved him.

August 23

I hate him.

I hate him so fucking much.

He won't get out of my head.

Leave me alone.

I can't want you anymore.

You're not here.

You're not real.

You're gone.

September 2nd

Trying to move on was impossible but goddammit i tried. A few sparse dates here and there but I became so uninterested. Men were so grating and irritating and even the most normal and respectful man turned into a piece of paper I wanted to crumple up and step on. Most of the day I would spend looking out the window, imagining a world different from my own. Random couples on the street were replaced with Johnny and I. It was pathetic and I was starting to hate my own damn self.

My friends had noticed how gray I had become and eventually their attempts to cheer me up or get me dates dwindled. They thought I wasn't fun anymore. I would catch them giving me dirty stares or rolling their eyes, never texting me again. I was a downer, i knew that but i had never told anyone what had happened between Johnny and I.

We were a secret. I didn't want us to be a secret but it just happened that way. No one knew that a homeless man had taken my heart for a whirlwind adventure.

November 30

You have one new voicemail

"H-hey, it's me. Uhh...well i know i haven't spoken to you in awhile. I haven't spoken to you at all actually. Um...t-that night, you know when we….you know, what i said was true and i got scared. Really fucking scared. I don't want to be with you until i'm good enough. That's the least you deserve.

Uh, well um...so a-anyway i just wanted to let you know i'm okay. I finally got the balls to make this call. I was afraid you wouldn't answer because you don't know this number. It's my mom's number. I somehow managed to make it to Chicago. I'm staying with them. I haven't told them about school or anything. Just lied and said i was taking a semester off to reevaluate my major-whatever fucking lie that was. I don't want to rely on them forever but I don't really know what to do once I leave either. I'll go back to being a piece of shit haha.

But anyway i'm okay, you know. Well i mean, now you do know because i just told you and- nevermind. Um...i'll try and call more often, okay? I would say i promise but...i seem to break those a lot. I know i hurt you but it's for the best this way, just for now. But I'm gonna get where I need to be. Just wait for me….please."

December 7

I didn’t torture myself with listening to the voicemail more than twice. I didn't erase it. I just left it and trained myself to ignore the fact that it was there. After all i had finally stopped crying myself to sleep yet this set me back majorly. I wanted to get back on track. Every time i thought i was close to moving on something minuscule happened-only this time a simple voicemail was earth shattering.

I stared up at the ceiling, another night alone in my otherwise empty bed. The tv was on low so i wouldn't feel like my apartment was empty. I thought about sneaking a cat in here once. Just to have some sort of company. I couldn't technically have pets but I would find a way. I was sure there was some cat just as lonely as I was hiding from the cold that I could take care of. I just had to pour my feelings into something more positive. Yeah. I could do that. Yeah...

I turned onto my side and closed my eyes, listening to the sitcom that filtered in. Zeroing on the conversation and fake laugh track actually put my mind at ease and for the first time in a long time i had fallen into a deep sleep.

December 16

Still hadn't found a cat, which sucked. I didn't blame them. The snow was getting worse. Inches thick and causing all kinds of dirty ice walls to appear along the side walks after being plowed. I didn’t have to face any of that today. It was my day off and thankfully I could curl up on my couch for hours on end. I started to surf through a pet finder website hoping that it might be better than going on a wild goose chase. Putting all my effort into searching for something that I could care for really helped. It was like its own version of therapy. I hunkered down more under the blankets, fluffing the pillow beneath my head to get more comfortable on my couch. I had taken on a smile as I saw a sweet kitten pop up on my search. She seemed perfect and I was instantly enamored by her bright green eyes. A saving grace.

Three raps pulled me out of my comfort zone and I tilted my head up wondering if it was my apartment door getting banged on or someone else's. The apartments were so close together it could truly be confusing at times, especially with the echoes from the hallway. I heard it again and decided to check anyway. I didn't expect anyone though sometimes my aunt did send me packages for christmas. Could just be the mail guy.

I sighed as I left my warm nest and swung open the door. "Hello?"

His hand was raised as he was about to knock again but he slowly lowered his fist. He smiled, a nervous smile, which tugged at the split skin of his lip where dried blood had crusted. I could only read his expression through one eye as the other was swollen shut and decorated with ghastly purples and greens. He wiped his nose of blood and runniness from the winds that had been chipping at his exposed face. I had no idea what to do or say, if i should move or not. He didn't seem to either but streaks of silent tears were already falling. Then i noticed something more astounding than his beat up face- the fact that he didn't have his keyboard with him.

I quietly stepped aside and let him in. His pants and shoes were soaked from trudging through the snow and I could tell he was freezing. I was just about to tell him that he needed to get out of them when he collapsed on his knees in front of me. He held onto my waist tightly, shoving his face into my stomach as loud sobs wracked through him. I pulled off his beanie and petted his hair back, keeping his head close and not caring that the lower part of my shirt was now stained with sadness and smudges of blood.

He passed out after that, unexpectedly, and I had to drag him to my room and set him in my bed so he could at least sleep comfortably. I had tons of questions but for right now i had to focus on getting him into dry clothes and cleaning up his wounds as best as i could. He looked like he had gotten his ass kicked and badly. Johnny didn't seem to be the type that would get into a fight so it worried me more. Once I tucked him in I made sure to put an ice pack over his eye in hope that the swelling would go down and he'd be able to open it soon. I wasn't going to get anything out of him now so i left him to rest. Just when I thought I could leave him in my past he had a terrible way of showing up again.

December 17

He slept for over 12 hours and though he was starving he had to chew a bit slower due to his injuries. We hadn't said anything since he had woken up and I had plated him some breakfast and coffee. I was over being patient but I knew I had to wait for him. Besides i had a multitude of emotions i had to decide which to start with; the anger of leaving me for months, the pain from him saying he wouldn't hurt me, the worry i had for the state of his being, the love that shattered my heart every aching moment i looked at him, and somehow the small pockets of lust that wanted me to love him harder than anyone ever had before.

When the last bite of pancakes were gone he took a final sip of coffee and sighed. "I got mugged." He stated flatly.

Ok, one question answered.

"I uh...i left Chicago around mid-September, figured i couldn't really ride on the college lie with my parents anymore. I also felt like I was bumming off their money and I hated that. When i got back here i tried to busk in different areas but winters are always the harshest. It's too cold to want to play, people are rushing to get home and stay warm. If i could have negative zero dollars in my pocket that's what i have. I'm dead broke. But i kept trying and uh…" His voice wavered and he cleared his throat quickly to push back tears. "Two nights ago, i was trying to find a place to sleep in the park and i got mugged. They took….they took my keyboard and my backpack and now I really have nothing. I didn't know where else to go so if you want me gone i get it. I honestly exp-"

The worry came first and then sadness and then the heartbreak. I rushed to squeeze him tight. I reciprocated the tears he left behind yesterday and it seemed like they would never stop. Johnny cradled the back of my head and sighed softly against my ear. "God, I've missed you so so much."

"Why d-did you leave!!?"

"You know why!" He pulled away to cup my face in his hands. "I told you, i wanted to take care of you and be in a better place before we got together."

I shoved at his chest and growled. "Yeah and look where it got you! You dont have shit and you come back after months of me not knowing where you were! This is the second time I thought you were dead. I've cried night after night for you! It felt like I could barely function without you! You made my life a living hell for the past six months and here you are at my door looking like a punching bag and I," my voice cracked and went up an octave. "And i still love you…"

"You know ive never ever wanted to hurt you. I want us to have a life together." His thumbs wiped away my tears and he crushed me to his chest once more. "You're the most amazing person i've ever met. I just want to be good for you."

"I should beat you up just for saying that. Just fucking shut up with that shit already. You are good enough for me because i fucking say so!"

"No I'm not! I can't do anything for you!"

"You can fucking love me, you complete fucking idiot!!"

"I do love you! I was scared because I was in love with you! I was scared you'd abandoned me like everyone else! I was scared that I would get my hopes up too high! I was scared that I could never get my shit together! I'm always scared!!! Always!"

We realized that our shouting wasn't even a fight at all, just frustrated feelings that needed to be expressed yet still held passion.

Suddenly I started laughing, leaving Johnny confused until he started laughing too. We were both crybabies who desperately wanted each other. No, now I needed him. Relationships were supposed to be 50/50 but even though I carried the burden of 100% I would help him get back on his feet until we could get to that even level. "You're not some pet project or charity or a nuisance. You made me fall in love with you by just being you. You're my musician, my goofball, my excited idiot that loves puppies in the park, the person that listens to me. I won't pretend to understand everything you've gone through but please Johnny...its okay to ask for help, even when help has failed you before. Believe in the fact that I want you here. I want you to stay here and i'm going to help you."

"I'll make up for it. I'll do chores, laundry, groceries, whatever you need from me." He said and I realized that he wasn't fighting me anymore. "And i'll get a job as soon as i can. I want to...i want to get a new keyboard even though it can't replace the one i've lost."

"You know what, I can accept that. I'm always too tired after work to do shit. And I can use the help."

"Ok, ok i get it! Ask for help!" He took my head in his and kissed my forehead. "Will you help me?"

December 20

The first few days were hard. I asked him to continue to rest while I went to work. It seemed like he wanted to get up and move, that he was restless and fidgety but I soon realized that his fidgets were actually his fingers ghosting over a pretend keyboard. Sometimes he would mumble to himself, maybe about notes or lyrics then go back to "playing". It was his coping mechanism and eventually I gave him a spare notebook. I wanted him to write his ideas down at least. The gesture had brightened him up immensely and he took to writing in it as soon as I left for work.

I was able to concentrate somewhat more at my job but mostly all i could think about was getting back to him. I wished that i could text him, just to see how he was doing but neither of us were able to afford a second phone just yet. Still I worried secretly if he had run off again. I hadn't told him about that feeling; i didn't want to guilt him but it was one of my biggest fears at this point. He had been worried about people abandoning him again though I was feeling the exact same thing. Would he abandon me again?

I had to finally get those thoughts away from my brain when my train pulled into the station. My usual route had some complications or whatever and was shut down; a normal occurrence but a most irritating one. I had to take the longest way home possible, through places I hadn’t been to in years. I saw a chain clothing store and decided to peek in just for a bit. Johnny was wearing my sweats 24/7 because nothing else fit him and staying in the clothes he had on his back before wasn't exactly comfortable. We washed them every other day or so but i'm sure it was starting to get annoying. I managed to find a few shirts on clearance and some stretchy shorts left over from the summer. I wasn't sure of his exact size but i'm sure this would be fine.

I checked my phone and realized it was getting late. It was another bus ride away from home so i had to catch up soon. I walked a little faster as I looked up the schedule. One would be coming in about 10 mins or so and I needed to haul ass. With my winter boots shuffling through snow I had passed by another store, a pawn shop. Normally i couldn't care less about it but the window made me stop and stare. It drew me closer and with the smallest of squints I could see initials carved into the side and a familiar faded sticker.

I rushed inside, presenting myself at the counter and scaring the shop owner. "Keyboard. How much?"

"150." He said, barely looking up at me.

150?! The fuck?! "I'll give you 50."

"Take it or leave it, toots. This isn't a bartering system."

I leaned in closer, glaring at the middle aged man. "That keyboard is stolen property. You're lucky I'm even offering you money for it. You're going to give me that keyboard for 50 bucks or else I'll call the cops on you and they can do a nice investigation of this place. I'm sure you have more shit that people have reported missing."

"The cops won't do shit. It's not stolen if I buy it."

"Then is it stolen if i buy it back?"

He glared at me and I returned the look until I turned around and booked it. I grabbed the keyboard and the case beneath it before throwing the money out my purse and over my head. I ran as my lungs burned and arms strained while carrying the heavy thing. He was on my trail and gaining traction but I got lucky. My bus was just about to take off from the nearby stop but I caught it in time to jump on, leaving the shop owner behind. God in heaven, don't have him call the cops on me. But technically I bought it right?

December 25

The day I brought the keyboard home, Johnny had been in the shower and I was able to rush inside and hide it under my bed. I pulled shoes and any other thing in my room that would block the view of it, just in case he got a little curious. I doubt he would have but I was still precautious.

When christmas morning came around i was excited, practically hopping around like a bunny. I could barely wait for him to get up and join me on the couch. Around noon he stumbled out of my room, his hair sticking up in random places and the sleep barely out of his eyes. I let him trudge to the bathroom to freshen up and took the opportunity to drag the keyboard to the kitchen to hide it temporarily.

Finally when he sat down I jumped in front of him, a smile plastered across my face. He looked at me, concerned. "Are you...okay? You're acting weird."

"I got you something!"

He groaned and sat back against the couch. "Why would you do that? You know i wanted to get you something but couldn't."

"Yes, yes, i know. We promised not to celebrate but this is important okay?! Just accept it and let me do this. Please?!"

With a heavy sigh he agreed and I told him to close his eyes. When he complied I got the keyboard and held it in my outstretched arms in front of him. "Ok, open!"

The swelling in his injured eye had gone down and all that was left were faint bruises. I was happy that he could take this in with both eyes so I could see the happiness behind those pools of honey. But instead they were covered in tears and his throat seemed to have closed up entirely. Carefully, as if he would hurt it, he took the keyboard from me and held it close to his chest, a few keys pressing down and making a chaotic sound. It somehow complimented his tears that drifted into sobs. Slowly I sat beside him and rested my head on his shoulder as I rubbed his back. We stayed like that for a while and I covered him in cozy kisses until he found his voice again, quiet but enough to express himself. "Y-you dont know how much this means to me."

"Oh, but i do. And I almost-probably- got the cops called on me because of it."

"What?!" He shot up quickly and rubbed at his stained cheeks while I laughed.

"It was in a pawn shop. I guess whoever had beat you up sold it for some quick cash. I offered the owner a different amount and he wouldn't take it. So….i kinda, maybe, sorta stole it back but i also still gave him money! So it cancels out."

"What in the actual fuck?! Are you crazy?!"

I smiled again and this time placed a soft kiss on his tender lips. "Absolutely."

He set his keyboard down on the coffee table and now wrapped his arms around me. "What the hell am i gonna do with you?"

"Hmm...maybe kiss me under the mistletoe?" I added another kiss to him though he held it long enough for me to pull him flush against me. We were lost in each other again, nothing but tongues and lips and caresses. We only stopped when Johnny pulled away for a small reloading of air. "How could i ever thank you enough? You've done so much for me and i-"

I slid onto his lap which silenced his self doubt. "Don't. You know how I feel when you get like that. Just enjoy this moment with me. I want you to be happy."

"I am happy. So incredibly fucking happy." Now it was his turn to smile, one that reminded me of our (first date?) time at the park together a summer ago. I loved that smile. I loved when his heart beat wildly and we laughed while dancing and cleaning the apartment, when he let me be the big spoon while we cuddled because it made him feel safer. I loved him more than the moon loved the sun.

Johnny held onto my hips while I circled my arms around his neck. We knew what was potentially coming next, a celebration, a renewed reconnection that we hadn't had ever since he returned. His way of thanking me in the only way he knew how- creating a passion in my soul that ignited all the slumbering sparks in my body. His determination was strong this time as was his confidence. I could tell in the way he shifted his hands down to grab my ass without a single trace of blush across his face. "Can we do this?" He still searched for consent of which i obviously was going to give him.

"As long as you're okay with it. It's a bit emotional now, no?"

"The best emotions though. Not to sound cheesy, even though I probably do, but my heart kinda feels like it's gonna explode."

"Yeah, you're right. It is cheesy. And dorky. But i think i expect that from you already."

He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled. "Well...i know that hasn't changed at all."

"You arent blushing or stuttering though. That's changed." I pointed out.

"That's because I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of losing you because i won't let you go again."

"You better not or else I'll hunt you down."

He didn't say any remarks and instead captured my lips in another breathless kiss. The caresses had turned into gropes to my ass and thighs, even snaking up to my breasts and dragging his blunt nails down my back. I shuddered at every heated touch. If this is what he was like when he was in college i surely would have gone after him and this was just a make out session.

He took control of my hips and forced me down gently but enough where the center of our bodies could touch. I gasped against the heat and the slow shift of his body beneath mine. My neck started to splotch as blood bloomed to the surface with every suck or bite. He had never had the chance to mark me before. Now that his stamp was on me I craved more to be littered across my body wherever he wanted. His hands disappeared under my shirt and I felt the iciness of his fingers circle around my breasts. "Will you take this off for me please?"

I nodded almost immediately then pulled my shirt over my head. I shuddered as my skin was exposed to even more cold and tried to snuggle up to him more. "M-maybe we shouldn't be on the couch. Im freezing and my apartment sucks at keeping heat."

"You're right. I'd much rather keep you warm myself." He teased with a smirk which made me roll my eyes.

"Okay, don't use those tired lines on me." I went to slide off him but instead Johnny wrapped an arm around my waist and pushed himself off the couch. I grabbed onto him quickly, afraid i was going to fall but he held me up and continued to walk to my room. "O-oh...well then." I hadn't expected that at all much less when he set me on the bed and wrapped the fleece blanket around me.

"You try and stay warm and I will get to work."

"Get to work?"

Johnny chuckled and sunk down to his knees in front of me. "Yeah? I mean...were gonna hook up right?"

"Is it hooking up when you're with your boyfriend?"

Now returned the incredibly deep crimson across his face and ears that I was used to. "B-boyfriend?!" He squeaked.

Had I just embarrassed myself? I pulled the blanket over my face and mumbled. "i- just thought...im sorry…"

"Don't be sorry. I-its okay...i just didnt think id ever hear that." He buried his face in my lap and chuckled against the softness of my belly. "I like that."

I peered out from the blanket and giggled. "Well good...jerk."

"How am i a jerk?!" He grabbed a hold of my pants and fumbled with them while we joked about our relationship title and goofy pet names for one another. I had hardly noticed that I had become fully exposed to him until he had quieted down and moved his face between my thighs. I covered my mouth quickly to try and hide the surprised squeak as I felt his tongue carefully lap against me while his hands rubbed up and down my thighs. He looked up for a moment, gauging my reaction, before sucking gently on my clit. I pried my legs open just a little bit more which gave him room to bury his face further.

Eventually I settled the tension and relaxed completely against his licks and soft rumbles, even clutching onto his hair when the tip of his tongue nudged inside me. His hand pressed into my stomach and pushed me back gently allowing him to crawl onto the bed and nudge my legs up to my chest. I placed my calves over his shoulders while he braced his arms beside my ribcage, fisting the sheets as he moved quicker. Open hot kisses were now against me, returning to suck against my clit and tease my entrance which seemed to be his favorite thing to do given my small squirms.

Just when my hips started to undulate forward he pulled away and swiped his thumb across his lips. "I see you like to misbehave more than last time."

"Excuse me?!" I blushed. "You're the one being all-!....Good and stuff!"

"Is it really good?" He tilted his head questioningly.

"Yes, and though I liked last time, this is um...kinda better."

"Good, that's what i want. I want to give you the best fuck of your life."

I wacked his shoulder as my face burned brighter. "You were a fuckboy in college, weren't you?!"

"Noooo, swear I wasn't." He moved on top of me, wrapping my legs around his waist now. "I'm just speaking the truth. Tell me anything you want me to do." He retreated to laying kisses across my neck and sliding down to my chest. This time he captured a nipple between his plush lips and sucked harsher than he had on my clit. I quickly gripped a fistful of his shaggy hair and pulled as my back arched from the bed. He slipped his arm beneath me, keeping my chest against his. "Tell me…" He breathed across the wetness on my sensitive bud.

"I-i want to...maybe return the favor?" I glanced at the small space between us where I could tell he wasn't wearing any underwear beneath his sweatpants. Johnny cupped my face gently, placing a kiss on my nose before switching positions so he was propped against my headboard. I shuffled closer to him as he tossed the sweats aside, keeping my blanket over me.

"Go slow if you need to…"

I think this was the first time I had actually gotten a good glimpse of him. He had hidden beneath the covers the last time and I moved my hand to where he was without much thought. He was still opting to keep his sweatshirt on though I really wanted to plaster kisses against his chest and create hickies across his collar bone so that way he knew that he was mine as much as I was his. I didn't question it though, figuring it was still a sensitive topic, and instead focused on the task at hand. I, myself, didn't think I was good at this particular sort of thing either. Johnny had tried his best for me and it felt wonderful. I just hoped I could get the same reaction from him.

I felt his strong hand pet my hair in encouragement as i inched my mouth closer. Carefully i settled my lips around the head of his cock and gradually built up the strength of my sucks to swallow down more of him. His breathing was shallowing, as if he was holding it in, but I could feel his eyes on me. Unlike him I was too afraid to look up and instead hoped that I didn't look a fool. His hand that laid against my hair added some pressure which forced me down more. It wasn't painful really yet i felt my mouth like it was being stretched to its limit. "I think you're doing a pretty good job yourself." He hissed through a groan.

He allowed me to slip off him and lick my lips of his taste. "It's a lot but i'm glad i can manage." I teased before kissing the tip. Johnny grabbed a hold of his base and commanded me to part my lips where he settled small rubs against my tongue.

"Is it okay when i do this?" I nodded quickly and placed my hand over his around his shaft. He pulled away and allowed me to remain so I could shift my wrist up and down the few inches I couldn't take. He liked me being focused around his head as well as every lick or even the slightest of nibbles. I even dared to flick my tongue along his slit which made his hips buck hard. "W-whoa, uh… I don't want a repeat of last time." He laughed nervously and pulled me away. "I want...uh...i wanna um...b-be inside you…" he cringed.

I cringed along with him but slithered into his lap, wrapping the blanket around us both. "Don't say that, just do it."

"A-ahh...i like the sound of that." I realized I had to leave my warmth for a second to retrieve another forgotten condom and worked it over him. "Do you wanna stay in my lap?"

"Does it feel nice?"

"You've never-?"

"No, just the regular way i guess." I admitted shyly.

"Maybe it's time to put my college education to use then."

"What does music have to do with- '' I let out a surprised gasp as I felt him guide my hips up and slowly began to fill me. The pit of my stomach seemed so full, somehow much fuller than the last time and I dug my nails into his biceps tightly. "Oh fuck…"

Johnny caressed my torso, waiting for me to adjust while he simply admired the way I looked. "It's okay. If it still hurts let me know."

"N-no um...it doesn't hurt it just feels wayyyy different. Good different. Not anything bad."

He chuckled. "Yeah i got that. Do you want to try moving? Do you know how?"

"I mean ive seen it in porn and stupid movies but maybe...a little help might be nice." I buried my face in the crook of his neck as he grabbed a firmer hold on my hips.

"Lift up with me." He whispered into my ear. I followed his directions, keeping my face hidden though my budding moans were giving my pleasure away. It took a few minutes, god knows how many, until i was bouncing on my own, Johnny's fingers bruising my skin and leaving indentations behind. The blanket fell to wayside, forgotten and uncared for as we worked together, pistoning quicker by the moment. "You f-feel amazing." Johnny choked through a moan.

I pressed my forehead to his and nodded silently. I was barely able to say any words, only clenching around the tightness inside me until I felt like bursting at the seams. The single time i caught my breath all i could utter was the softest 'more' i've ever produced. My back was no longer against emptiness but instead trapped between my headboard and johnny. I squeezed my legs tighter around his waist, giving him something to hold onto as his thrusts became stronger. Never violent, but always hard and deep enough to where everything seemed heightened.

Our tongues clashed together again, teeth gnawing at lips and skin, and hands fumbling to find one another until they were pinned against the wall above. The trembling of the wood into plaster elicited moans from us both, surely letting the neighbors in the close confines hear what was going on. My eyes squeezed shut as he throbbed against my walls waiting for the perfect moment to still his hips and let go. I hadn't expected the last hard thrust of his release and it sent tendrils of rosy hues to form across my already flushed skin. "J-johnny?"

He slumped against my shoulders, breathing against the stickiness between us. I let him gather himself, relishing with him in the beginning of afterglow though I haven't had my thrilling bliss or whatever it was supposed to feel like. Eventually he pulled away from me and pushed back his hair, a serious in his eyes that also took me by surprise. He slipped out of me slowly and traversed back to between my thighs that was smeared in my cum. "What are you doing?" I swallowed hard.

He ignored me and returned his tongue to lash across my lower lips this time joined by his fingers that thrusted almost as harshly as he had. He was hell bent on satisfying me, alternating his patterns between curling his tongue and fingers and slowing down just as I almost reached my climax just to prolong the feeling. At first it was irritating but then I saw the true colors of his actions- the build up, the extra tension, the squirming of my body and clawing of my nails against his arms. A torture so good that i could hear the lewd slurping as i finally came.

He slowed his licks down little by little until my quivers stopped, ending it was a small kiss to my clit. When he laid by my side an incredibly goofy smile was on his face. "Better?"

I nodded and instantly curled against him. I secretly was afraid he would get up and leave again but another part felt the security that he wouldn't. Perhaps if he heard those words one last time he would stay. "I love you."

January 1

A new year. A new life continued.

Celebrating by getting shitfaced and watching the giant disco ball from from the top of the tower in the center of Times square.

A countdown. A kiss. A promise.

"I want to love you forever."

"Don't be so corny!"

"I don't care. It's how I feel. I want to love you for fucking ever."

Another kiss as midnight hit, longer, deeper.

An uncaring slow burn of a fuck on the floor through trembling limbs and urges to stay close and warm. His long body covering mine as if to say he'd protect me but we both knew that he was mine to shield.

Beneath the string of fairy lights under my tiny christmas tree the living room stayed dimly lit and I could see the soft shadows dance across his face as he slept on my chest. He'd grown accustomed to hearing my heartbeat-a lullaby, he said- as I played with his hair which I promised I'd get him to cut soon.

This was magic. Between the two of us and the sappiness of the holidays it felt like the stars had shown us the miracles of coming together. I held his hand tightly as I kissed his forehead, listening to his soft snores. My own lullaby was him feeling at peace and never return to a life that was colder than the winter's snow.

February 9

"Hey beautiful stranger."

I turned my head and saw Johnny leaning against the wall of the subway station. "Why are you here?!" I asked.

"Fuckin' train got delayed. Been here an hour while they try and figure out a substitute route. I called my boss and luckily he's super understanding. He got caught in a huge delay this morning too. I think your train is okay."

"Ugh, just your luck. You leave before me but now we're stuck together." He pulled me closer to him and pressed warm kisses to my face.

"Oh darn, how absolutely terrible." He smiled and gave me a squeeze."

"Oh, here, hold my coffee. Your tie is crooked." Johnny took my usual morning coffee before I adjusted my purse over my shoulder to give me proper room to fix the unevenness of his tie. It was a royal blue, a favorite color of his and it brought out the crispness of his white button up. He looked so handsome. He was lucky I let him get out of bed this morning. "You better get home on time because i have a surprise for your birthday."

"Does that surprise involve lingerie?" He smirked. "I saw that bag you tried to sneak in your dresser."

"Well now you wont get it since you decided to be nosy!"

"Hmm, guess it doesn't matter since it would just end up on the floor anyway. Don't have time for straps and shit."

I shoved at him playfully as my cheeks warmed. "You're getting absolutely nothing then. Pervert."

He took a sip of my coffee then looked pensive, seeming to ignore my banter for a moment. "Hey, doesn't your train kinda stop near my job?"

"Oof, it sort of does but youre def gonna have to take two transfers after. The A and the 1 i think."

"Anything is better than waiting for these idiots to get their shit together. I'll go with you. And then we can talk more about tonight." He gave me a wink as he took another sip making me roll my eyes.

I ignored his pervertedness for the most part and agreed to him joining me. "Hmm sounds good to me." I laid my head on his chest while my hand reached up to swipe away a bit of coffee that had stained his chubby cheek. He was less of a skeleton and definitely more of a teddy bear now- said my cooking was the best he'd ever had though i think he was just being nice. He still felt perfect in my arms and for once we were both happy to be someone's someone.

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