#anyway school > work so if they try give me more than 15 hours over the weekend i will quit <3

[sunjoys]

kinda hope my job doesnt give me less hours in september so i have an excuse to quit

[waitimcomingtoo]

SLUT!

chapter seven: if he drops my name, then he had it coming

series masterlist

Peter sat in the library the next day at a table by himself. He was studying for chemistry by himself and couldn’t help but to look up at the empty seat beside him every so often. The very seat you used to occupy. Peter was missing you more than usual today now that Gwen had gotten into his head. He just wanted to know what happened that night at the party since he no longer believed what he saw was the full story.

“Hey, are you using this seat?” Some guys asked as he put his hands on the seat you usually sat in.

“No, you can….” Peter trailed off when he looked up. The guy asking for the chair was wearing the same hockey jersey as the guy Peter caught you in bed with. The guy realized he recognized Peter as well and smiled.

“Oh, hey. It’s you. You’re that nerd Y/n was sleeping with right? That flipped out at the party?”

“I was her boyfriend.” Peter corrected. “Until you came along, anyway.”

“Shit. You guys were actually dating? My bad. I thought you were just another one of her hook ups. I’m Shane, by the way.” Shane said and held out his hand. Peter reluctantly shook his hand and wished this guy would realize that he didn’t want to talk to the guy that broke up his relationship with

“Peter. And I wasn’t just a hookup. But you and I both know she isn’t like that anyway.” Peter mumbled and went back to his work.

“You’re right, you’re right. We’ve all been cracking these jokes about her for so long that I forget what’s real. How did you do it, anyway?”

“Do what?”

“How did you get her? Brads been trying for years. Why’d she go for you?” Shane wondered.

“Well it helped that I didn’t tell the whole school she was a slut. Or harass her for years. I was actually nice to her. After Brad made sure no one else ever was.” Peter snapped before remembering you had told him he was just like Brad. You were right, after all, since Peter called you a slut just like everybody else did.

“Yeah. Brads crazy like that. I mean, look at what he did at the party.” Shane said, pulling Peter out of his pity party. He put his pen down and looked up at him as panic stirred in his chest.

“What did he do at the party?”

“What do you mean? You were there. Remember the prank?”

“What prank?” Peter asked, starting to get angry over the vague answers.

“You’ll have to ask Brad for the whole story.” Shane waved his hand. “I drank too much and passed out while he was planning everything. Pink Whitney and chalupas do not mix, but the way. I didn’t wake up for 15 hours.”

“Wait, what? Did you…did you not sleep with Y/n?” Peter asked quietly.

“Sleep with her? Dude, I’ve never even met her.” He laughed. “Brad and his friends dragged me up the stairs after I passed out so that you would catch me in bed with her. He set her up so you guys would break up. You didn’t know that?”

“What?” Peter said so loudly that the librarian shushed him.

“Sorry dude. I figured she told you that by now.” Shane whispered and hid his face from the dirty look the librarian was giving him.

“Where is Brad right now?” Peter whispered harshly.

“Probably in the gym. There’s a home basketball game today. Why?”

Peter didn’t answer and grabbed his backpack before storming out of the library. He stomped all the way to the gym and threw the doors open. People turned and gasped as Peter marched into the middle of the gym.

“DAVIS!” Peter shouted angrily, making the sound of basketballs hitting the ground and sneakers screeching halt to a stop. Brad stopping dribbling and scoffed when he saw Peter.

“What do you want, dork?” He laughed as his teammates gathered around him.

“What happened at the party?” Peter demanded. Ned, who was watching the game in the bleachers, had a feeling he knew where this was going. He hopped off the bleacher and went up to the coach.

“Hey coach. I think this very civil and mature conversation might take a minute. Would you mind telling me about my chances of making the team next semester?” Ned asked the couch as he led him towards the gym doors.

“A guy like you? Have you thought about football?” The couch asked.

“Thats a really good point. Do you have any other points you’d like to make and explain in great detail right now?” Ned asked as he and the couch left the gym. Once there were no adults around, Brad didn’t hold back.

“Fuck off, Parker. We’re in the middle of a game.” Brad said and threw the ball towards the net. Peter caught the ball with one hand, getting a surprised murmur out of the guys.

“All right. Give me the ball.” Brad laughed in embarrassment and reached for the basketball. Peter moved it away at the last second, making Brad stumble forward. People in the crowd laughed as Brads team mates exchanged looks.

“Give me the ball, loser.” Brad repeated. “Don’t make me take it from you.”

“Can you take it from me?” Peter asked innocently. Brads jaw clenched and he lunged for the ball again but Peter quickly switched it to his other hand. The crowd laughed at Brad, only making him angrier. He tried to grab the ball a few more times but Peter was always quicker.

“Fine. What do you want?” Brad asked and tried his best to sound like he couldn’t care less.

“I want to know what happened at the party. What did you do to her?”

“Fuck you.” Brad scoffed. “I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“Dude, just tell him so we can get back to the game.” Harry groaned. Brad gave him an angry look before returning his attention to Peter.

“Leave, Peter.” Brad demanded.

“No. Not until you tell me what happened.”

“I don’t have to tell you jack shit about what-“

“Brad asked her to come over to talk.” Harry interrupted. Peter looked at him in surprise and then looked at Brad for a further explanation.

“Shut the fuck up man.” Brad hissed.

“Why should I?” Harry asked. “I lost Gwen over this. Half the guys in the team got dumped because of your shit. I’m over it. Just tell the little nerd what you did so we can get back to the game.”

“What happened when she came over to talk?” Peter asked again. Brad looked at his teammates and then at the crowd before looking at the ground.

“I asked her to come over and implied that I was gonna apologize and make peace or whatever. She didn’t know there was a party going on. I knew she wouldn’t show up if she did.”

“Then what?” Peter demanded.

“Then we talked for a little bit and I offered her a ginger ale because I remembered it was her favorite soda from back when we were friends.” Brad said. He didn’t look up as he spoke but Peter could hear the faintest bit of regret in his voice.

“You should’ve seen her face when she realized I remembered, dude. She was so touched. She couldn’t believe I remembered something about her.” Brad laughed sadly as he finally looked up at Peter. There was remorse in his tone and all over his face but Peter could tell that he was trying to fight it. He didn’t want to feel bad for what he did because then he would have to admit it was wrong.

“What did you do?” Peter repeated. Brad looked at the crowd and shook his head.

“I’m not doing this here.” Brad shook his head. “I’m not saying shit.”

Peter threw the basketball at Brad and it hit him in the chest forcefully. Brad looked at Peter in shock and then angrily threw the ball back, which Peter caught.

“Why aren’t you talking, Brad? Did you do something you’re not proud of? Something you wouldn’t want all these people knowing about?” Peter asked as he started walking towards Brad.

“You better shut your mouth before I make you just as sorry as I made your little skank girlfriend.” Brad whispered for just Peter to hear.

“He slipped something in her drink.” Flash spoke up. Brad looked at Flash with betrayal and Flash just shrugged. When Peter heard this, the corner of his vision blackened. His blood felt hot in his veins. It took everything in him to not rip Brads head off right there but he needed to know more.

“I told you not to do it, man. I told you it was too far. But you insisted on getting her back. You couldn’t wait to do it that night so you might as well admit it now.” Flash said and held up his hands in defense. Everyone in the audience was staring at Brad with disgust now and he could feel each individual eye on him. He scanned the crowd and saw all their faces before looking at Peter.

At that moment, Peter snapped and lunged towards him. He grabbed a handful of Brads jersey and pulled him towards himself. Brad felt genuine fear in that moment and Peter could tell.

“You did what?” Peter asked through a clenched jaw. Brad gulped and looked back at his teammates. For the first time, they weren’t looking at him with the respect they usually had. Now, they looked embarrassed by him. Brad was the center of attention in the worst way and hated the way it made him feel.

“Relax, man.” Brad laughed nervously. “I didn’t touch her or anything. Nobody did. We’re not crazy. We were just joking. And I needed her knocked out so I could set her up.”

“Set her up how?” Peter asked and tightened his grip. Brad gulped again before putting on a look of false confidence.

“You two always call me stupid but what I did was actually really smart. I texted you from her phone and told you where she was so you could walk in and catch her “cheating”. You blew up on her like I knew you would and didn’t believe her when she tried to explain herself.”

Peter loosened his grip a little bit when he realized Brad was right. He’d become another one of the people on campus who hurt you by not believing you. When Brad realized he had gotten into Peter’s head, he grinned.

“But you know what I never expected? You calling her a slut. I didn’t think you had it in you, man. But you really delierved. She’s never gonna forgive you for that one. She probably hates you even more than she hates me.” Brad laughed obnoxiously. Peter felt his confidence in winning this argument slipping away the more he thought about what Brad was saying. If Peter had just heard you out, you’d still be together right now. There was no way you were going to forgive him now and he couldn’t even blame Brad for that part. What he could do, however, was get a little revenge for you.

“Did it hurt? When she rejected you all those years ago?” Peter asked Brad loud enough for the crowd to hear. Brads face reddened in embarrassment and he swallowed thickly.

“Yeah. Obviously.”

“Right. Obviously.” Peter mimicked. “Did it feel like this?”

Brad looked confused for a split second before Peter kicked him in the balls. Brads knees buckled and he crouched down, giving Peter the opportunity to punch him in the face. Brad fell to the floor and clutched his aching jaw.

“What the fuck? Are you kidding me right now?” Brad asked and tried to get up. Peter kicked him down and climbed on top of him before punching his face again.

“What are you doing?“ Brad shouted as blood ran from his nose.

“Tell everyone what you did!” Peter shouted back. “Tell them the truth about her.”

“Are you crazy? Let me go.” Brad said and struggled to get away from Peter, but Peter was too strong.

“Not until you admit it.” Peter demanded and punched him in the face again. Brads teammates just watched while the crowd pulled out their phones to record Peter beating the shit out of Brad. Peter was seeing red at this point and since no one was pulling him off of Brad, he just kept landing punches.

“ADMIT IT!” Peter shouted and gripped Brad by the shirt to lift his head off the ground.

“Fine! I lied about Y/n. I never slept with her. I made it up!” Brad cried as tears of fear ran down his face. He was finally feeling the fear you felt that day in the gym when Brad first gave you your reputation. It started in the gym and it was ending there.

“Why did you do it?” Peter growled.

“Because she rejected me and l wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me. So I made things up about her and called her names and my friends started it do it too. I do it because they do it and they do it because I do it and we’re all just a bunch of pigs. Is that what you wanted to hear? I call her a slut because cause I hate her and I hate her because I can’t have her. And I never stopped because no guy wanted anything to do with her so I never had to see her with anybody else. Until you. Are you happy now? Did you hear what you wanted to hear? I admit that I’m not a great guy. But you aren’t either. You’re just like me. We both suck and we both hurt ehr. So get off of me.” Brad said and pushed Peter off. Peter panted to catch his breath as he looked up at Brads teammates. He got off the ground and wiped his bloody knuckles on his shirt while staring them down.

“Anyone else have anything they’d like to confess?” Peter asked them. They exchanged looks with each other while Brad groaned in pain on the gym floor.

“I made it up. I never slept with her.” Flash admitted and then slapped one of his friends on the back of his head.

“I lied too.” The guy said. “I’ve never actually met her.”

In the most Mean Girls way possible, other guys on the team came forward one by one and admitted that they had lied about you. A few guys in the crowd did as well and earned themselves dirty looks from the girls around them. As Peter watched them admit the truth about you, he felt a weight lift off his chest. He knew he’d never be able to make things up to you but at least he got to watch you get your name back.

Unbeknownst to Peter, you were standing in the doorway of the gym and watching everything unfold. You had run to the gym when you heard there was a fight going on and were pleasantly surprised to see that Peter was the one doing the fighting. You watched the guys admit that they had lied about you and felt your “slut” label discard itself on the floor next to Brad Davis and his bloody nose. You knew that when you left the gym that day, you’d finally be able to leave your reputation behind. And that felt pretty great.

Two teachers and campus security burst past you suddenly and rushed to Peter. The security guard grabbed Peter by the arm and cuffed him before leading him towards the door you were standing beside.

“You’re so getting kicked out!” Brad called after him. Peter made eye contact with you as he was being escorted off campus and cracked a smile.

“It was worth it.” He said.

Tag List 💋

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[bamnamuu]

Hiiii, I just saw your list of prompts, and if it's not too much work for u, I'd like to request these with Soobin :D

4. first kisses

13. “i get to know what it’s like to be loved by you” (I got friends to lovers vibes from this)

24. New years kiss

Have a good day/night!!

w.count 907 | warnings mentions drinking / drunk ppl typos not proofread | ems note THANK YOU ANON FOR REQUESTING THIS!!!!! i feel bad that it’s taken me this long to post but it only felt right to save it yk? anyway hope you love it whoever you are 🫶🫶

you have been in love with soobin since the day you met him, which happens to be since the second grade, when he found you laying on the wet tarmac letting the rain soak your uniform, “what are you doing ?” he said moving his umbrella nervously “i wanted to see if i would become a fish!” you said, trying to open your eyes to see him only to be met with rain water and the blurry silhouette of a boy looking down at you. He helped you get up and gave you his umbrella not that it would do much good but it was the thought that counts is what you said to yourself. From that day forward soobin and you have been together for everything, the first time you failed your driving test or the third time soobin failed his you two were attached at the hip. It seemed obvious to all your other friends that both of you were mad about each other, the only two people that didn’t see it was obviously you and soobin.

Walking through the science hallway Soobin was being followed by his teasing friend who was desperately trying to get soobin to go to their house party after school. “Come on Soob! This is the first time my parents are letting me stay at the house without a babysitter!’’ beomgyu said trying very hard to be convincing, soobin stopped walking to turn around and face beomgyu. “we’re in high school and you still need a BABYSITTER? Man you have more problems than me.’’ soobin said. “shush that's not the point.’’ soobin raised his brow at the shorter boy “and what exactly is the point?’’ “y/n!’’ even more confused soobin replied “what about y/n? What did you say to her, you better not have asked her to pull your finger again!’’ beomgyu looked disgusted at the accusation “I WOULD NEVER! It's just that she's coming over tonight and i thought you would like to be with your girlfriend.’’ soobin felt his cheeks get hot, he knew he should tell beomgyu that y/n’s not his girlfriend, but beomgyu already knew that and he liked that people thought they were dating. Beomgyu was jumping up and down when soobin finally gave in and agreed to go to this party. Soobin went home and wished he didn't give into beomgyu because the last thing he wanted to do on a wednesday evening was spend the night with a bunch of random school kids he doesn't want to know. Until a knock on his door pulled him from his thoughts “Hey bin your mom let me in, you ready to go?’’ flopping on his bed soobin huffed “do we have to? I mean its beomgyu but we see him everyday y/n!’’ which causes her to start laughing while walking over to sit next to him. “ok i'll make you a deal, we go to the party for 18 minutes and if you decide you want to go home well leave okay?’’ “ok, but why 18?’’ “it's more than 15 and less than 20!’’ When soobin and y/n arrived at beomgyus house they found that the ‘party’ was just the rest of soobins friend group. After a half an hour of watching beomgyu and kai try to beat each at karaoke, yeonjun Soobins eldest friend suggested truth or dare, as much as soobin loved his friends they loved teasing him more, more specifically teasing him about his crush on y/n, so it wasn't a shock to soobin when yeonjun said “I dare you to kiss soobin!’’ when y/n picked dare. The sounds of disgust and happiness filled the room as soobin and y/n leaned in to share their first kiss. “you don’t have to kiss me y’know.’’ “i know , but its you so i don’t mind.’’ Soobin smiled nervously and leaned closer to her lips.

It wasn’t long after till soobin and you became more than just friends, at your graduation soobin built up all his courage to ask you out on a real date to which you accepted with a kiss on his cheek. You made it official when you mistakenly called soobin your boyfriend to his face, and you swear you've never seen him look happier. Now the two of you are arriving to beomgyu new years eve party hand and hand. It was pretty shocking to both of you just how many people showed up tonight. “wow gyu i didn’t know you knew so many people?’’ you said finding the slightly drunk boy “i didn’t either!’’ he said before giving soobin a greeting and then hopping away, you found taehyun and kai hiding in beomgyus room watching the count down with the sound of drunk people exsisting in the next room. After a while beomgyu and yeonjun joined the four of you for some peace and quiet, and juat in time for the midnight count down to begin. “ y/n, i love you so much more than you will ever know, thank you for being my best friend for my entire life, and thank you for letting me know what its like to be loved by you!’’ soobin said placing his hands on either side of your head, smiling from ear to ear leaving you speechless as the count down camke down to 3, 2, 1, and you kissed the love of your life.

perm tag list (open) @smouches @rayoraish

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

WOOHOO HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️(loving these snippets with protective/possessive eddie! He’s defending his own!!)

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨(that last chapter was phenomenal and im loving the pining and tension!)

🌊🌊🌊🌊(finding each other in every universe!)

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮(another cal story with inexplicable yet character developing magic? With bobby in the mix this time? Sign me up!)

Please accept compliments in exchange for the high writing demands I place on you - You’re wonderful! So talented! Your work brings me such joy! Thanks for sharing!

HI!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS YOU ARE SO LOVELY ANON!

27 for ⚡️ (Hehehehe yes Eddie fight my battles for me plz):

---

“You’re a father,” Phillip tries. “You can sympathize with your child cutting you off without cause. It’s a horrible feeling!”

“Don’t bring my son into this,” Eddie warns. “And I take issue with without cause.” 

“Eddie?” Buck’s voice calls out across the backyard. “What’s going on?”

Fuck. 

Eddie turns to see Buck striding across the yard to where the three of them are… Well, arguing isn’t the right word. But talking is also incorrect. 

“Evan,” Margaret turns to her son. “We were just getting to know Eddie a bit better.”

Eddie makes a face that expresses how blatantly untrue this claim is.

Buck narrows his eyes. He stops a few feet short of the three of them.

“I told Maddie I wouldn’t cause any problems,” Buck says. “Please don’t make a liar out of me at her wedding.”

“We’re just trying to open a dialogue,” Phillip says. 

Eddie finds it interesting how little they wanted him when he was willing to try. How bothered they are now. Now that it’s a big social event with lots of people to see how their child ignores them. This is pride, more than anything. Eddie knows about parents and pride. 

Buck sighs. “If I give you ten minutes, will you leave us be for the remainder of the wedding?”

---

15 for 🚨(THANK YOU!):

---

As he leaves the bedroom, he bumps into Eddie, who had evidently been coming to knock. Buck feels a pang of embarrassment.

“Uh, hey, good morning,” he stammers. “How are you? Feeling okay?”

Eddie nods. He looks worn down still. Like the weight of last night is still resting on him. Buck is afraid for him. Nearly dying takes a toll. No matter what you do, it takes a toll. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Eddie says. “I saw that you replied to Liliana. Are you still good to pick him up? I have an appointment at eleven thirty.”

---

12 for 🌊(hell yeah they do!):

---

They don’t get a lot of warning about the impending storm. Enough, though, that Shannon is able to come get Chris and bring him to her apartment until the worst of it is over. Schools will be closed anyway. Despite Shannon’s insistence that Eddie is welcome and encouraged to stay with her, too, he doesn’t go. The city will be needing its paramedics.

And besides, Buck is a lot closer to the water than him. Someone has to be here looking out for him, too. 

Even if he won’t answer Eddie’s calls or texts. 

Eddie has tried. In the week since Buck ran out of his house, Eddie has tried. It took him twelve hours to realize how idiotic he’d been in letting him leave. Another twelve to reach out.

---

12 for 🔮(ahhh yay thank you! I'm glad you're excited!)

---

“I know Gerrard isn’t easy to work under,” Bobby says.

“Do you?” Buck asks, mirth in his tone. 

“I know what Hen and Chim told me about before,” Bobby amends. If he’s reading Buck’s tone correctly, then he’s right. Bobby doesn’t know. “And I know a little of what Eddie and Chim have shared with me now.”

Buck scowls. “Hen should be captain. You should be Captain, but if not you, then Hen.”

Bobby’s face falls. He’s acutely aware of how he failed Hen in this.

[aita-blorbos]

Am I the Asshole for pranking my substitute teacher?

I, 15m, was walking to class one day with my friends, (15 f) (16m) when I noticed that my teacher was not there. It was a Sub and like look I'm not gonna assume but she looked liked those prissy subs you see in cartoons so. Already not off to a good start. So I arrive to class with my friends, and my friend 16 m is just like ‘oh shit’. Turns out the sub is his aunt! Funny how that works. Also his family is. Not good. Like there's three good people in his immediate family and one of them is a seven year old. So anyways I arrive and she gives me a look that is crustier than her. Overused eyeshadow. So anyways I sit down and IMMEDIATELY she calls me bacl up. I am like, okay, what’s the matter do you need smth or and am jsut very confused. She tells me that my arm is "indecent" (I should also add I have a prosthetic). So like. How do I process this. Like I was honestly kinda taken aback bc holy shit she just said that. To a whole--ass 14 year old too. Like cmon you can’t just tell somebody they’re indecent for like literally doing nothing to you and simply not having an arm what the hell. so she tells me to go grab a jacket or smth from my locker. This is where I get the idea. So I have a friend, who looks almost identical to me, and really the only way to tell us apart I the fact that we have different eye colors, and he has both arms. So, rather than listen to her, I decide to have a little fun. I mean if she’s going to make this hour miserable for me the least I can do is try to make it somewhat enjoyable. so I go to my friends classroom (I was his teacher’s favorite last year when I had him :>) and his teacher is cool with him coming and being me for a bit. So we go, switch outfits, he gets my flannel, and then he goes back to class instead of me. This is where the fun begins! So he wrrives, and she doesn’t notice anything for like five minutes. So it gets hot out and he takes off my jacket (seriously did she expect me to wear that the whole time???) and THATS when she notices that he is not, in fact, me. Meanwhile. I am getting FREE Fritos bc I am hungry. So while my friend plays dumb ya boi got his prosthetic stuck in the vending machine (again) (the janitor at my school is thrilled I think that he has to do this at least three times a week (he is not)) So anyways while my friend is being all gaslight gatekeeper girlboss and convincing her that he never had a metal arm I shoot him a text saying that it’s time to switch. Back. Keep in mind I don't even have the prosthetic now. we switch outfits and I go back to my first hour. Sub is now EVEN MORE CONFUSED and I continue my gaslight gatekeep girlbossing. she’s like ‘just a minute ago you had both arms where did that go’ and I’m like ‘wdym I never had that I think you need to get your eyes checked :>’. She is fuming btw :>. So we continue to swap every so often and by the time first period was over this woman was about to blow a gasket. At some point I brought the Fritos to class and was just snackin instead of working. Somehow she noticed the arm but not this (I think she might actually need her eyes checked) like. Not even when I threw one at my 15 f friend. Also, I gave my other friends teacher a play by play and he was amused by my shenanigans :>. Am I the asshole?

[lindira]

I'm going through A Thing right now, and while I feel I'm mentally better off for it, my financial anxiety is through the roof right now.

My sister-in-law was my boss. It worked great for a while (over 2 years) because even though she's an incredibly difficult person and paid me less than I'm worth ($16 an hour, part time), I could work from home and determine my own schedule, which was great for someone like me, who 1) has tons of medical appointments I have to go to on a regular basis, and 2) has kids and can't rely on anyone else to pick them up from school. I could also work around school events, which was also amazing because I want to be present for the things my kids feel are important. Also, she's in California and I'm in Texas, so I didn't have to deal with her very often.

Anyway, SIL found a service where she could hire people from the Philippines for $9.50 an hour. At the same time, she took on patients from another practice that was closing, so she had 2-3 times as many appointments each day. Meaning I started working more hours. At around that time, she asked me to transition from entering her charts to taking phone calls. But it was summer break, my kids were home, and my youngest is loud and demanding. I told her I couldn't because it wouldn't be professional to have my kid yelling for me through the door while talking to her patients. Moreover, at least half of her patients are Spanish-speaking, and I haven't used Spanish at all in the 24 years since I graduated high school. Instead of finding those points reasonable, she kept badgering and badgering me, even trying to go around my "no" by having my brother (her husband) ask my mom to ask me. I still said no.

Summer was ending and she asked when I could start on phones again. I gave her a date that was a week after the kids returned to school, and she agreed. But then she said weird things like, "only work the hours you would be working on the phone" and started training one of the people she found in the Philippines in some of the tasks that I did.

Last Monday, she demanded I start on phones that Wednesday, a whole week and a half earlier than we agreed upon. It was also the last week of summer vacation and there were a ton of things I had to do for the kids. I planned on working around the events I had to attend, but I couldn't start something new and with a specific schedule. I told her I could start on Monday (today) at the earliest, but she came back saying that I should enjoy my days off for the rest of the week until I could start on phones on Monday. She accused me of making her staff and patients "suffer" with my unreasonable availability.

I was livid. She was retaliating by taking away my hours for most of the week. She sure as fuck wasn't paying me for my time off. And my husband and I had suspected that she was giving my duties to the person in the Philippines, but I realized she wanted to limit my hours too by demanding I only work during the few hours I told her I could commit to working the phones. Basically, I started working 25-30 hours a week instead of 12-15 hours, so my SIL gave my job to someone she could pay less than California's minimum wage.

After a full day of being intensely angry, I confronted her about all of it: the badgering, the disrespect of going through my mom to get to me, springing new duties on me a day and a half before she wanted me to start and well before the agreed upon date I was to start, giving away my job so she could pay someone $6.50 less an hour, limiting my hours, and most of all for hurting me and my family by taking away almost a whole week's worth of wages because I wouldn't do what she wanted. If she wanted to hire someone else and didn't want to keep me on, she should have just told me so. At least then I could make an informed decision about what to do next.

She replied by trying to excuse her behavior as just "running her business" and that I was a burden and ruining her business. She said I was costing her $6760 over the course of the year. She didn't say, but I figured out where that very precise number. It was my wages if I worked 20 hours minus the wages of the person in the Philippines if they also worked 20 hours. I wasn't costing her anything. She wanted to save herself that much money, so she sabotaged my job. She only kept me on to stroke her own damn ego and feel like she was "saving" my family from destitution.

So I quit. Who needs enemies when I have "family" whose "help" is toxic and self-serving? I did really good work for her for over 2 years, and this is how she's going to treat me? Fuck that money-hungry bitch and her cheapskate, unethical bullshit. Fuck her for trying to control me by hurting my family in retaliation. She has alienated literally every one of our extended family, and now she's moved on to immediate family. I tried to tolerate her for my brother's sake. Fuck that now. I don't want to see her ever again.

I expected this from her. I'm angry, but it doesn't hurt so bad to cut her out of my life. I feel relieved, actually. But what really hurts is that my brother must have known what was happening and he didn't fight for me. I don't expect him to choose me over his wife, but he could have told me what she was doing. He could have told her it was shitty for her to give my job away to save what is - to them - pocket change. He didn't. We were "almost twins". He credited me for raising him. But he always chooses her over everything and everyone else. I'm not sure I blame him exactly, but I might never trust him again. And I certainly won't be seeing very much of him if she'll be around.

So now I'm scrambling to find a new job. I lost some dead weight, and I'm truly better off without her in my life. But I've been dealing with this for the past week and I'm still so angry. I'm a little angry at myself too. When I took this job, I knew it probably wouldn't end well working for her because of how much of a bitch she is. But it worked for 2 and a half years. It could've worked for longer. But she didn't value me, as an employee or even as a person.

If you've reached this far, thank you for "listening" to my rant. I find writing out my anger helps as much as yelling it. I'm hopeful that I'll find a new job soon, but if you spot a decent remote office work job an over-educated struggling writer could do, please keep me in mind.

[unrealward]

The last few posts are, like I said, from my high school AP drawing and painting portfolio (By the way, the theme of the concentration was "Transformations of the body". Does it read?)

I have some complicated feelings about the work. Below the cut I share some musings about it.

Warning, this story is about classroom abuse.

My high school art teacher was hypercritical, controlling, and at times coercive. In other words, abusive.

Because we, her students, regularly won awards for our work, she continued mostly unchallenged by the school. She was working there for over 15 years.

I was her favorite, so I was spared the worst of it, but that isn't the kind of privilege you're happy to have. Favoritism is conditional on obedience, and in this case, achievement through technical skill.

I generally try to make the best of any situation--Call it resourcefulness, or opportunism. I tried to explore and express my ideas while still getting her approval to go forward with the pieces--At times a lengthy process. I knew to keep my most vulnerable ideas to myself. She might have vaguely known that I enjoyed manga, cartooning, and surrealism, but I kept it hidden. Everything I brought to the table was a sacrificial lamb.

It's a particular kind of violation to not just lack ownership over your own ideas, but even your physical output. For some students, she would actually paint or draw over parts of the work to "correct" them. This only happened to me once or twice, and I usually managed to paint back over her work without a fuss. But even if I only dealt with it in the ideation process, all of my work from that time inevitably still has her hands on it.

I decided pretty early on, unrelated to her class, that I was not interested in pursuing art professionally. As I approached graduation, adults in my life would constantly encourage me--"Don't let this talent go to waste! Don't stop drawing, okay?"

It was difficult to understand. Drawing is reflexive to me. I couldn't really imagine a world without it--Even a "me" without it.

And that's still true in a lot of ways. I don't think I can ever put the pencil down completely. But certainly, I've had to make time for it, and it's no longer my biggest priority. There are weeks, probably months I've spent without drawing much of anything. It's been years since my last oil painting. I miss drawing with colored pencils.

In high school, I had some hundreds of hours dedicated to nothing but making art--But only under the hawkish eye of the teacher. I could make these highly developed pieces because I simply had the time to do so. If nothing else, I enjoyed the technical process.

If I want to make work of this caliber again, I have to devote a similar amount of time--And as an adult, time is on quite the premium.

When I make art, I never think of high school. Regularly I forget it ever happened. Wisely and tragically, I knew how to compartmentalize.

In the absence of acute pain, what I carry is more insidious--That strategic disconnection, that permanently-guarded heart. The sharpening of my abilities such that I appear as a whole self when I am sharing just a sliver.

There isn't some grand moral to the story here. The abuse neither actively haunts me, nor can I say I have recovered from it. It simply happened. But I know a lot of students were turned off from art, maybe forever, because of that teacher. They carry medals that don't feel earned. They struggle to find an artistic voice amidst the din.

At times, I need to make art to understand how I feel. Other times, I need to understand how I feel to make art. I can't help but see the image of things I want to create, even if I don't know how, even if I'm not ready.

Obviously, there's life after this kind of abuse. I'm living it. More than giving me new baggage, it's more accurate to say it codified existing problems. Anyways, I'm sharing this old art because I want to claim the past as mine, even if it's painful or embarrassing.

I'm hoping to make more art soon. I am trying to unbind myself from careful strategy and intention and to create things that bubble up from my subconscious. There are ideas I have held onto for years that are just waiting for me to create them. Even if it's slow or difficult, I hope I can share them with you some day.

Thanks for reading.

[ask-the-fred-boy]

Am I the asshole for pranking my substitute teacher?

I, 15m, was walking to class one day with my friends, (15 f) (16m) when I noticed that my teacher was not there. It was a Sub and like look I'm not gonna assume but she looked liked those prissy subs you see in cartoons so. Already not off to a good start. So I arrive to class with my friends, and my friend 16 m is just like ‘oh shit’. Turns out the sub is his aunt! Funny how that works. Also his family is. Not good. Like there's three good people in his immediate family and one of them is a seven year old. So anyways I arrive and she gives me a look that is crustier than her. Overused eyeshadow. So anyways I sit down and IMMEDIATELY she calls me bacl up. I am like, okay, what’s the matter do you need smth or and am jsut very confused. She tells me that my arm is "indecent" (I should also add I have a prosthetic). So like. How do I process this. Like I was honestly kinda taken aback bc holy shit she just said that. To a whole--ass 14 year old too. Like cmon you can’t just tell somebody they’re indecent for like literally doing nothing to you and simply not having an arm what the hell. so she tells me to go grab a jacket or smth from my locker. This is where I get the idea. So I have a friend, who looks almost identical to me, and really the only way to tell us apart I the fact that we have different eye colors, and he has both arms. So, rather than listen to her, I decide to have a little fun. I mean if she’s going to make this hour miserable for me the least I can do is try to make it somewhat enjoyable. so I go to my friends classroom (I was his teacher’s favorite last year when I had him :>) and his teacher is cool with him coming and being me for a bit. So we go, switch outfits, he gets my flannel, and then he goes back to class instead of me. This is where the fun begins! So he wrrives, and she doesn’t notice anything for like five minutes. So it gets hot out and he takes off my jacket (seriously did she expect me to wear that the whole time???) and THATS when she notices that he is not, in fact, me. Meanwhile. I am getting FREE Fritos bc I am hungry. So while my friend plays dumb ya boi got his prosthetic stuck in the vending machine (again) (the janitor at my school is thrilled I think that he has to do this at least three times a week (he is not)) So anyways while my friend is being all gaslight gatekeeper girlboss and convincing her that he never had a metal arm I shoot him a text saying that it’s time to switch. Back. Keep in mind I don't even have the prosthetic now. we switch outfits and I go back to my first hour. Sub is now EVEN MORE CONFUSED and I continue my gaslight gatekeep girlbossing. she’s like ‘just a minute ago you had both arms where did that go’ and I’m like ‘wdym I never had that I think you need to get your eyes checked :>’. She is fuming btw :>. So we continue to swap every so often and by the time first period was over this woman was about to blow a gasket. At some point I brought the Fritos to class and was just snackin instead of working. Somehow she noticed the arm but not this (I think she might actually need her eyes checked) like. Not even when I threw one at my 15 f friend. Also, I gave my other friends teacher a play by play and he was amused by my shenanigans :>. Am I the asshole?

[crossover-enthusiast]

Am I the asshole for pranking my substitute teacher? I, 15m, was walking to class one day with my friends, (15 f) (16m) when I noticed that my teacher was not there. It was a Sub and like look I'm not gonna assume but she looked liked those prissy subs you see in cartoons so. Already not off to a good start. So I arrive to class with my friends, and my friend 16 m is just like ‘oh shit’. Turns out the sub is his aunt! Funny how that works. Also his family is. Not good. Like there's three good people in his immediate family and one of them is a seven year old. So anyways I arrive and she gives me a look that is crustier than her. Overused eyeshadow. So anyways I sit down and IMMEDIATELY she calls me bacl up. I am like, okay, what’s the matter do you need smth or and am jsut very confused. She tells me that my arm is "indecent" (I should also add I have a prosthetic). So like. How do I process this. Like I was honestly kinda taken aback bc holy shit she just said that. To a whole--ass 14 year old too. Like cmon you can’t just tell somebody they’re indecent for like literally doing nothing to you and simply not having an arm what the hell. so she tells me to go grab a jacket or smth from my locker. This is where I get the idea. So I have a friend, who looks almost identical to me, and really the only way to tell us apart I the fact that we have different eye colors, and he has both arms. So, rather than listen to her, I decide to have a little fun. I mean if she’s going to make this hour miserable for me the least I can do is try to make it somewhat enjoyable. so I go to my friends classroom (I was his teacher’s favorite last year when I had him :>) and his teacher is cool with him coming and being me for a bit. So we go, switch outfits, he gets my flannel, and then he goes back to class instead of me. This is where the fun begins! So he wrrives, and she doesn’t notice anything for like five minutes. So it gets hot out and he takes off my jacket (seriously did she expect me to wear that the whole time???) and THATS when she notices that he is not, in fact, me. Meanwhile. I am getting FREE Fritos bc I am hungry. So while my friend plays dumb ya boi got his prosthetic stuck in the vending machine (again) (the janitor at my school is thrilled I think that he has to do this at least three times a week (he is not)) So anyways while my friend is being all gaslight gatekeeper girlboss and convincing her that he never had a metal arm I shoot him a text saying that it’s time to switch. Back. Keep in mind I don't even have the prosthetic now. we switch outfits and I go back to my first hour. Sub is now EVEN MORE CONFUSED and I continue my gaslight gatekeep girlbossing. she’s like ‘just a minute ago you had both arms where did that go’ and I’m like ‘wdym I never had that I think you need to get your eyes checked :>’. She is fuming btw :>. So we continue to swap every so often and by the time first period was over this woman was about to blow a gasket. At some point I brought the Fritos to class and was just snackin instead of working. Somehow she noticed the arm but not this (I think she might actually need her eyes checked) like. Not even when I threw one at my 15 f friend. Also, I gave my other friends teacher a play by play and he was amused by my shenanigans :>. Am I the asshole?

"NTA"

I love when we're let out of our enclosures

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

One week until the wedding and I’m more stressed than ever haha. I’m trying to reframe my thoughts and think positive but every time I do something new comes up

I have a friend coming into town who initially said she was coming early to help with anything…but she complains and guilts me any time I ask for help. Maybe I’m asking too much. I’m just finding it hard to get everything done between work and school and I just need help getting my dress from the seamstress 😭

She said specific days she couldn’t help as this is her vacation and I respect that. Monday wasn’t one of those days. I need help getting to my dress appointment because M’s bike broke down and we currently only have one vehicle. M’s mom is currently not talking to him over stupid hurricane bullshit (literally because he said he’d have to talk to me about them staying here before saying yes because I’d have to give my office up - we did not have off, just a remote work day. She didn’t like that he wanted to talk to me first then didn’t like that my office would be messy because I was between tasks - and again with paper files I can’t stand putting things back and then having to take them all out again and reorganize in the piles. It takes less time for me to just neatly stack where I’m at and pick up again next day- and that they’d have to be out of the guest room -my office- by 7am when I clock in)

Anyway, M’s mom won’t answer if she can help get him to work Monday at her house so he can take care of his grandmom. He can’t take my car because he wouldn’t be back in time for my dress appointment. I can’t take him because I clock in so early and we’re trying to avoid being up at 5am to do so- tho it’s doable. I asked my friend - who said she was coming to the dress appointment anyway- if we could use her rental car to get there - it’s 15 minutes away but only like 5 miles distance. I’d put gas in it and drive. She said that I can’t drive because of insurance (fair- I just know she wasn’t comfortable driving) and that if we took her car, her bf would be without a car or would have to come and wait in the car. Again, valid, so I’m not pushing back because that does sound annoying, but all I’m asking for is an hour and a half of their day. They’re staying at my apartment complex rental unit and idk that the dress appointment would even take the full hour.

I also realize in this moment I sound pretty selfish but I am at a loss. Why say you are coming early to help and then fuss any time I ask for help. I asked if she could help me find flowers and make the bouquets - she didn’t seem to want to do that so M and I are gonna figure it out and I asked if she would help prep some food while we hang and watch movies. She didn’t wanna help with that- and again, okay, she’s not my slave and that’s fine she doesn’t want to do stuff. She said that her bf could help set up things befor the wedding, then got pissy when I said we could use the help of someone talk to tack a couple things up high. So, okay, we figured out a different way.

So please. Why say you can help and are coming to help and volunteer to help and then not do anything to help ☹️

Now M’s mom isn’t talking to us days before the wedding and my parents are just pretending there isn’t even a wedding happening. It’s just me and M and he doesn’t have time to help much between work and taking care of his grandmom.

I don’t have any other friends in the area. And I feel like I’m just on my own in figuring all of this out.

I don’t even know I want her to come to the fitting anymore anyway. I’ve cried at each appointment because I’ve had no one to share the happiness with about my dress since I got it.

I hope I feel happier the day of. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon about getting married to M and continuing our life together, but I wish we just eloped. The wedding has been nothing but sad and stressful and it’s the marriage itself that’s the most important anyway. It’s too late for that now tho.

Also just realIzed that I won’t get back home from the airport with them until 130am and then will need to be up again at 5am to get M to work. Like. Please help me out a lil bit. She didn’t want to pay for the rental car that night so I’m getting them an hour and half away at the airport to save some money. I just feel like she could take me to this dress appointment.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

326 of 2022

General Stuff To Start With What name do you go by most often?

Jelle.

Is that your real name or a nickname?

A nickname. My real name is Joeri.

Has your birthday come yet this year?

Yeah, it has.

Where is your mom right now?

Probably in her apartment.

What were you doing at 4pm?

It’s 9:15 at the morning, so nothing yet.

Are you a good speller?

I’m trying to be.

Who was the last person to give you a ‘high-five’?

One of my workmates.

Would you consider yourself a shy person?

Not really, just a little bit.

Can you play the guitar?

Sadly, I don’t. You need two hands for that :( but I’d love to play the 7 strings electric guitar.

Three things you ate today?

I didn’t eat abnything yet. Just drank coffee.

What did you do last Sunday?

I was sick and in bed, I guess.

How many orange shirts do you own?

None. Surprisingly, my inner Dutchie doesn’t approve.

Are you currently taking any prescription medications?

Yeah, Keppra for epilepsy.

Do you like skim milk?

I hate it. It tastes like water, so why bother if you can use water instead?

How did you bring in the New Year?

In the hospital.

Are you missing anyone right now?

Yeah, those two guys I like. We’ll see who’s there today so maybe I can see one of them. The other one I’m not gonna see anymore :(

If you could relive one moment in the past week what would it be?

Yesterday, I’ve visited one of my friends in the hospital.

If you could spend 30 minutes with someone who is gone, who would you pick?

My grandma.

Biggest mistake to date?

Trusting a person who turned out sexually harassing me. It happened this year.

Where did you go to grade school at?

Oostende.

Have you ever lived in Tennessee?

Never lived in the US.

Idaho?

Nebraska?

Maryland?

Texas?

Does anyone in your family smoke?

Yeah, both my parents.

How many of the people you live with are over 21?

Is 21 any special age or something? Not in Europe, and certainly not in Belgium. Anyways, just onre person. We’re both over 21.

Who do you wish you could talk to right this moment?

I think there is someone like that, I’d love to see him. Also I would like to talk to Nielsje because he’s very understanding and caring and always willing to listen, but I don’t want to pour all my worries over him, he’s too sweet for that. Talking to him helps, but he’s a person, too.

How many clocks are in the room you are in?

Two, I think. Neither of them works.

Do you use MSN messenger?

No, never did.

What time will it be in 6 hours?

Since now it’s 13:30 (I continue after coming back home from the hospital), it’s gonna be 19:30.

Have you kissed anyone in the last week?

My husband, every day.

Do you enjoy classic rock?

I don’t. I like a few songs, but do I actively enjoy the genre? Not at all.

Have you ever been told you looked like someone famous?

Yeah, sadly not the person I wanted to be compared to.

Are you anemic?

Quite so, but not severely.

At Christmas, do you have a fake or a real tree?

Fake, we have a tiny one and it’s enough.

Do you usually go watch fireworks on the 4th of July?

Europe doesn’t even celebrate it. I doubt I’d be able to see your fireworks across the Atlantic Ocean.

Do you remember when the game Oregon Trail was really popular?

Pretty sure there wasn’t such a thing in Europe.

Does anyone have your heart?

Yeah. We’re married.

What did you do last Valentine’s Day?

Existed. Both me and my husband find this day cheesy.

Can you count to 20 in any other language?

My native language is Dutch, go figure. We learn French and English in schools. My mum is half-German, so. I have Romanian friends. Yeah, I can count to more than 20 in more than one language.

How old were you in 2001?

I was 11.

In 1973, how many years was it until you were born - or were you born?

17 years until I was born.

Have you ever had a crush on someone, and found out they liked your friend?

No, not like that.

Have you ever been liked by someone you didn’t expect would like you?

Yeah, unfortunately. He claimed he was hetero. Except that, Nielsje. I didn’t expect him to fall for me, ever. Definitely not as much as I fell for him.

Who ended your last relationship?

It was our mutual decision.

How do you feel about that?

I’m still sad sometimes that it didn’t work, but I’m happy that we’re still friends.

Do Mondays get you down?

Nah, Mondays are my favourite days, along with Fridays.

How long have you been at your current job?

Nine years.

Have you ever been fired?

Once, but I came back next year and suddenly I was a good worker. Long story, though.

How many times have you been pulled over by the cops?

Zero.

What is your mood like right now?

Better, but an hour ago it wasn’t that good.

Where did you go today?

To the hospital.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now?

No.

Do you cut the crusts off your sandwiches?

I barely eat sandwiches at all.

Do you prefer sweet or unsweetened tea?

I prefer no tea. I just can’t stand it.

Who did you last embarrass yourself in front of?

I don’t remember minor things, but I remember the bigger thing from months ago, in front of the guy I liked.

Would you rather meet the president or win $500 dollars from the lottery?

Who cares aboput the president if you live in a kingdom? Who cares about dollars when you live in the euro zone?

What was the reason you last smiled?

I’ve seen three handsome guys at rehabilitation today. I couldn’t resist smiling.

A Little About Your Friends List 8 Good Friends:

Marc

Johan

Kenny

Julie

Frauke

Jurgen

Caroline

Jasmine

#1 (Marc) Are you related to this person?

No, I’m not.

What did you do the last time you hung out?

It was at work, so we checked on the table and made lots of silly jokes as usual.

Would you trust this person to keep a secret?

Sure. He’s great at that.

Who is this person dating?

He’s been married to Els, long time already. They have a son, Hans, who is 33 years old now.

Do you live in the same town?

No, he lives in Oostkamp. It’s the neighbour city of Bruges.

#2 (Johan) Are you dating this person?

Lol no. He’s married as well. We’re great friends, though.

Would you consider this person attractive?

Fairly. I kind of like his eyes.

What is this person’s full name?

Do you really think I’m going to share that?

Is this person taller than you?

No, he’s slightly shorter.

Do you go to the same school?

We don’t. He doesn’t go to any school.

#3 (Kenny) Is this person engaged?

He’s married.

What color is this person’s hair?

Completely grey. Which is funny knowing he’s just 34 years old.

Where does this person work?

In the same place as me.

When did you last call this person?

We texted each other last week or so.

Have you ever been drunk together?

No, he doesn’t really drink.

#4 (Julie) What is this person likely doing right now?

She’s at work or out with her friends, I guess.

Does this person have any children?

No, she doesn’t.

How did you meet this person?

She’s my sister.

Have you ever had a crush on this person?

Ew no. Having a crush on your own sibling?? Abominable.

Where was the last place you went together?

Pizza place or sushi place, I think.

#5 (Frauke) What is this person’s middle name?

I don’t think she has one.

Does this person like rap music?

I don’t think so. I guess I’m the only one of my friend circle who actually likes rap.

Has this person ever been arrested?

Nope.

Is this person older than you?

Yeah, one year older.

When did you last see this person?

Long ago. I can’t get to the right moment somehow. Bad luck, I guess.

#6 (Jurgen) Have you ever met this person’s parents?

No, I haven’t.

When is this person’s birthday?

Somewhere around now.

Is this person still in high school?

No, he’s almost 50.

What color are this person’s eyes?

I’d say hazel, but I might be wrong.

Do you work with this person?

I do indeed, but he’s a different profession than me.

#7 (Caroline) Do you and this person share an ex?

No, we don’t.

Where was the last place you went to eat with this person?

We never went to eat together.

What color is this person’s car?

Grey, if I remember well.

Can this person play the piano?

I don’t think so.

Does this person like scary movies?

I don’t think so either.

#8 (Jasmine) How long have you known this person?

4 years or so.

Does this person have hair past their shoulders?

She typically keeps it short, like a bob length.

Does this person have any tattoos?

No, she doesn’t.

Have you ever kissed?

In the cheek. She’s married to another friend of mine :D

Did you go to grade school with this person?

No, I didn’t. She’s older than me, too.

Finish the Sentence My hair is: too long for my tastes.

I wish I was: less insecure.

The only thing I can’t stand: people who act like know-it-all.

There is no way: I could have sex with a woman.

Someday I am going to: feel better.

I couldn’t live without: my cats.

I hate when: my body is acting up.

I love it when: I hang out with my friends.

Sometimes I can be: irritable.

I am not interested: in fame.

[carbon--14]

i have been stalking looking at your blog and not to be weird but i love you (in a mutuals way not a stalker way) also please tell me more abt your rocket scientist life i’m very intrigued if you’re interested in sharing.

hi nonnie why don't you come off anon and say hello properly ;))) jk. are we mutuals? or do i owe u a follow O___O

seriously though it's not even 1 pm and today has legitimately been one of the worst days of my life (family stuff, don't ask) so this was super needed and appreciated. thx for the little giggle lolz

anyway yeah aerospace/astronautical engineering is kind of a weird place to be :P it's kinda niche and the workload is insane, so people burn out quick and the ones who stick around actually enjoy it a little too much tbch. the vibes are a little weird because half of my classmates are like me and there because it's a long time special interest they're willing to commit several years to and the others are obsessed with military tech and really want to be a part of that development. and they're pleasant people to be around, like they're polite and stuff, but i have actually had a conversation with a classmate who told me (and i'm quoting here) "well, i'm not the one pulling the trigger, so i'm not responsible for anything." and his ideal career paths were working on stealth bombers or hypersonics :///// yikes. there's a reason we're not taught ethics especially since military contractors are the primary ones snapping us up for jobs right out of school. ironically though the actual rotc kids are the nicest of that bunch and tend to be super collaborative and friendly? but i'm not joking in one of my first year classes we took a poll of the group's favorite movies and i shit you not over 50% of the class said one of the two top gun movies and another 15% said interstellar X__X (mine is scott pilgrim btw cuz i have taste)

luckily the yippee creatures of the class are very aware of how fucked up the industry is and willing to talk about it so there's still hope. my personal strat is to make myself a very competitive candidate for a very niche subset of the industry without very many "defense" applications lol. :D especially since a lot of those "defense" jobs are in the middle of nowhere in like, texas and alabama and florida. so not exactly the greatest places for me to be. i'm super interested in ion thruster design and development and there's a couple of startups on the west coast that are working on that so i'm crossing my fingers. tbch i am so fed up with the actual industry that i'm genuinely considering going all-in on my online "content creator™" presence just to have some shot at avoiding it. i have been having an actual existential crisis for about 3 weeks wondering if i actually made the right choices in life

but yeah the actual workload will crush your will to live unless you actually enjoy it. my classes this semester consist of incompressible fluid dynamics, dynamics control systems, structural mechanics, numerical methods, and astronomical computer simulation development >_< i'm gonna dieeeee!! and probably need an insane glasses prescription by the end of the year with the amount of coding work i have to do. plus i'm trying to score a research position and finishing up a senior-level independent study lol AND this semester i'll be driving back and forth between school and home (which is three hours each way eugh) to go to concerts and shit with my dad, but hey free tix are free tix. so in case you were wondering why i barely draw anymore, this is my life now X__X alsoalso my faculty advisor for the independent study is nonbinary and giving me job advice! they're super cool i love them foreverrrr

as for my actual hands on experience i'll admit it's limited :PP mostly because it's super hard to score industry experience before the summer before junior year and i was in recovery the whole summer so i literally couldn't hold myself upright for more than a few minutes. but i've done a bunch of projects for classes + uni-funded ones too!! my biggest claim to fame (lol) is working on a three-stage rocket designed to fly to the karman line (which is the Super Official Divide Between The Atmosphere And Space™ lol). everything except our motor was built in-house and i worked on structural design and analysis, so my job consisted of

a) working on and approving cad models of each component before we sent them to the fabrication team,

b) stress-testing all parts the fab team sent us to ensure they were flight ready (there is a picture of me somewhere sitting on a chair precariously balanced on top of three sandbags on top of a giant tube filled with more sand and our nosecone, because sand under enough pressure puts a similar kind of stress on a nosecone as it experiences in flight),

c) fixing any uneven surfaces or manufacturing errors on our parts, and

d) doing so. much. documentation. i have to be totally honest, like 75% of aero/astro e is writing the most boring papers you will ever read in your life :[

and i also built a 3d cad model of the opportunity mars rover from scratch with only official promo pics and rover "selfies" and that thing crashed the lab computers twice and took a week's worth of 8 hour days in the lab + 3 all-nighters. fml but she was so worth it thooooo

sorrysorrysorry nonnie that was probably 10x more info than you were expecting but tl;dr i'm the world's biggest weirdo who actually loves physics and rocketry so i enjoy everything i'm doing in class but the actual job search is hell on earth and i dread the day i graduate :/ for now it's still mostly fun

[jeramewrites2]

The pink glove lay on the ground, almost covered

with junk like everything else in the house. My mother lost her battle with cancer more than a month ago. I have been putting off cleaning out her house that entire time. I went back and forth on rather I should just hire someone to do it. I would not consider my mother a hoarder per se. Then again isn't that what every person would say about their parent?

I saw one time the baby boomer's instinct to hoard is what made millennials embrace minimalism. I think that an having less of a disposable income can be a factor. We can't buy houses so we will be less likely to cart around a bunch of crap that we don't need and don'e really want. Hoarding only works when you live in the same place for a long time.

My mom's own personal penchant was for craft supplies. It didn't matter what she was going to make with them she just needed supplies. Glue, cardboard, magazines that haven't been published in 15 to 20 years. The surprising thing is that there wasn't a smell. I haven't been in this house since my mom died and I figured the air would be stale. The air is clear not clean but clear. The highway traffic buzzes by without slowing down.

My mother lived in a small town along Highway 80. She lived in the long stretch between Amarillo and New Mexico where it looks like a pallet swap of small towns. There is an old gas station. Maybe a school house and general grocery store. There is not much else around. For any medical treatment she would have to travel at least an hour in any direction. She refused to move in with my sister and I didn't have the space to have her come live with me.

I wonder if that would have made a difference? I wonder that as I put on thick green plastic gloves I have just bought at the Dollar General. (The only store in town that looks like it opened this century.) There isn't anything to do but to clean this crap up. No one wants it and there is only a local dump to take it to. As I start to clean up I think about all of the things my mom homemade over the years.

She gave me a scrap book of my childhood when I got married. There was a lot of love put into that. I am not sure where it is now. My mom was great at doing things to show how she felt about you. There were always gifts. She would say that she loved us easily enough but it was more shown with STUFF.

Now that I am older I understand that there is nothing wrong with that. I just wish she had seen me as the person I am instead of the person she wanted me to be. I think all of this while I pack bag after bag and then box after box when I run out of the bags.

I love my mother and I will miss her. I could have just left this house to rot... No one will buy it and that will probably happen anyway but I felt like I needed to clean it. To give some... respect to her life? Then again maybe I am just trying to do something for her so I can make myself feel better. Maybe she knows that I am finally cleaning up. Either way the pink glove is the last thing into the bags.

AS ALWAYS THANKS FOR READING.

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, JUNE 30, 1997 As a kid, my favorite day of the week used to be Friday, cuz that would be the last day of school. Now, though, my favorite day is Monday, cuz it’s the start of 5 days of peace. Not that it’s been noisy on weekends, but you never do know, so that’s why weekends are a bit more stressful for me. Next weekend is the 4th of July holiday weekend, so I can only imagine just what might transpire next door.

Woke up at 104 today, but my metabolism is still slow.

I’m getting good color, going swimming just about every day and the patio looks better, too. I’ve decided that at least for a while, I’d just give the birds the heels of our loaves of bread, rather than seed regularly too, to try to reduce their hanging out on the patio so much.

I just tried calling Kim, who said she got in a car accident and that her car was pretty much totaled, but she’s OK. Thank God she’s OK, but what is it with her and all these car accidents?

Yesterday I downloaded a couple of new match games where you match pictures (a lot like playing concentration), and a new and improved version of that tiles game I’ve loved so much over the last month. This one has more and nicer tile sets and has more features to it and it seems to be free of bugs. The other one had a few bugs. I also downloaded some tilesets, too, and Tom will install them when he gets up. He said he might not even sleep for 8 hours cuz he’s pretty well-rested. I thought that Mondays and Tuesdays were when he was the most beat. Anyway, will he be rested enough to return to screwing? We’ll see, but I’m not gonna bring it up and it’s easier for me to go without it more often after my period. That’s when a woman’s peak tends to be a bit lower.

I’m still praying daily, even though I know better and if Tom’s serious about a home business, I really really wonder if that’s got anything to do with his making me wait on him and with his not being in a hurry for a kid. Even he admitted that there’s no urgency and that it’ll happen when it happens. Well, in my opinion, if someone’s not in a hurry for something they claim to want bad and more than anything else, and have been in the right circumstances for it for years, and are plenty old enough for it, then they don’t want it nearly as much as they say they do.

He’s got your typical man’s attitude about this, but as I said, be it consciously or not, intentionally or not, is the business, besides the fact that we got married sooner than he had wanted to, among other stuff, another reason for his lack of eagerness to cum?

If this man ever wakes up and sees that logic and my woman’s intuition are correct about my sterility, I still have some very very serious doubts, fears, paranoia and a whole lot more about seeing a doctor. Regardless of the fact that God’s not gonna let no doctor. give a woman a child that he’s so determined to see remain childless, it’s just not fair and not right. Why should I have to work for and pay for a child? Huh? Why should I? Why should I have to pay for what should occur naturally? Why should I have to do God’s work for him? I still feel the same; if 15-year-olds and psychos can get this act of nature for nothing, and if God can love them enough to bless them with the gift of a child, why should I be any different? What the hell did I do that makes me so much more undeserving and not good enough for me to get pregnant naturally and for free? Well, obviously something up there feels I’m different enough, and I’m sorry, but I’m just not paying thousands of dollars for a miscarriage.

It can take years of a person putting in years of fighting God for something they shouldn’t have to fight him on, but it only takes a second to give up. I’m not gonna lower myself to kissing no God’s ass and I’m not gonna belittle myself into having to work my ass off and pay a fortune cuz God didn’t care enough to create a life in me for having nothing but good old-fashioned sex. Kids aren’t supposed to cost a fortune and be hard work till after they’re born. If he can love and favor teenagers, drug dealers, murderers and rapists more than me, then I guess I’m really doomed for hell when I die, if such places as heaven and hell really do exist. I once heard a lady say that she thinks everyone gets to go to heaven, cuz we all have enough hell on earth to live through. That makes sense to a degree. Life is hard. It’s hard, even if you’ve got it all. Life is so unfair, too, or else Amy Fisher wouldn’t be doing all these years in jail for attempted murder, while O.J. Simpson gets off for a double homicide. And it’s all cuz he was rich, famous and male. Amy came from wealth, but she wasn’t famous and she was a female.

SUNDAY, JUNE 29, 1997 Well, Tom’s 40th was yesterday and it didn’t go too well. A part of me feels that was my fault, as well as him just using stuff I said as an excuse to put a guilt trip on me for making him feel bad on his birthday and so he could get me back on mine. I know my next birthday will be a depressing day of hell just like my 30th birthday was, and of course, he’ll deny that he’s gonna get me back. He’s gonna make damn sure I’m not pregnant by my birthday, cuz of my making him wait to go into business if he really wants that as much as he claims to.

Supposedly he got all bummed out when I mentioned him going into business from the house and he said he was depressed cuz of how much it meant to him, but that cuz I had ordered stuff in the mail under bogus names, it was holding him back. I went along with this, but I don’t believe this is really what’s holding him back. He said it means more to him than I realize, but I haven’t heard him mention it, so I didn’t think his heart was really in it. The same goes for the kid. His heart isn’t into it nearly as much as mine and then he goes on about how having to wait for the kid, will make us all the more grateful and cause us not to take it for granted when we get it (like I would really take it for granted after all these years? I don’t think so!). Yeah, I know how he’s making me wait on that for various reasons and how he’s trying to instill patience in me and all that, but there’s nothing to get or to wait for. He just doesn’t get it. He keeps insisting there’s nothing wrong with me and that we’ll have this kid. He is so delusional about this and so in denial and I wonder how many more years it’ll take him to wake up and smell the coffee.

Once again, I know my husband really damn well enough and I can guarantee you right now that he won’t cum when it’s prime time. Good. Then I won’t have to have reality slapped harder in my face when I see that I get a period that I shouldn’t get. I may not like to be set up for reality to be further rubbed into my face, but at least I’ve faced it and am not running around saying I’m OK, I’ll get pregnant, etc.

If he’s so sure he’s gonna cum more and that I’ll get pregnant, then why hasn’t it happened? Cuz he won’t cum more and cuz I can’t get pregnant.

So, we didn’t screw yesterday cuz he was too depressed. If I had known this conversation that I initiated about a home business would bum him out so much, I’d never have brought it up. He says it’s not my fault, don’t worry, we all say things that either depress or anger a person without meaning to, we can move on, etc, but I’m not stupid. I know I’ll be paid back on my birthday and all the more he’s gonna go out of his way to cum less or at the wrong times cuz of this.

Hey, it’s his choice.

Other than that, things have been fine with us. Last night he mentioned screwing today, but I know that was just a tease out of spite. There’s not gonna be any time to screw today and if there is, he’ll be too tired to screw much, cuz after spending about 4½ hours here without touching me, he left to do his mom’s yard and when he gets in in the afternoon, he’s not gonna be in the mood. So, I guess we’re back to part-time sex for a while. We have had some good laughs, though, and have done some fun things in the midst of all this. We went swimming and enjoyed the roast and chocolate pudding pie I made.

He’s also gonna be selling some of the coins that his dad had collected and I just sorted a little jar of pennies by their years. They go from 1920 - 1963. They’re mostly from the 40s and 50s, though.

Unfortunately, it does appear for sure (unless I’m seeing this all wrong) that next door’s basketball hoop has been unlocked. I just hope the neighborhood kids don’t see this.

This is the second weekend that asshole hasn’t been next door, so next weekend he’ll more than likely be here, the fucking filthy piece of scum!

Teddy Bear’s adjusting well. Unlike Piggy and Bunny who are up on and off throughout the days and the nights, he’s asleep in the daytime and up at night. He loves to sleep in the tube. He’s got his favorite spot picked out.

When I got up, I saw him unload a pile of food from his pouches and it looked like he was puking up seeds.

Ma sent back home with Tom a couple of pictures of one of Mary and Dave’s hamsters walking along Dave’s arm.

Perms dry the hell out of people’s hair and I asked Tammy, who always gets perms, what she uses to help with the dryness and the frizziness and she said to go to a salon and get Gold shampoo and conditioner. If that doesn’t help me, nothing will.

THURSDAY, JUNE 26, 1997 We got the hamster yesterday and he’s sooo cute! There are 3 kinds of hamsters. A teddy bear, a pigmy and a dwarf hamster. We got a teddy bear hamster and fittingly, his name is Teddy Bear. And he really really does look like a live, miniature teddy bear. From the back, when he stands upright, he looks like a miniature cat. We checked out 3 stores before I finally picked him out. I had tried to find a short-haired hamster, but not only did they not have any cuz they’re rare, but I’m glad I didn’t find one, cuz this one’s so cute. He’s a solid crème color with a few touches of light brown. He has brown ears, though. His fur is soft and fluffy, but not overly long. Not like a Peruvian guinea pig, so he won’t get so filthy like those do with their 7” long fur. His body is a lot like a guinea pig’s, only he’s about 3 times smaller, has a little stub for a tail and his ears are like that of a mouse. Guinea pigs have mice-like ears, too, but they flop down and over towards their heads.

The guy at the pet store was saying that hamsters look so cute and cuddly, but they’re not and they tend to bite, but he hasn’t bitten me. Guess it’s just my way with animals and him getting used to me during the ride home. Him hearing my voice, I mean, while he was in his little carrier.

When we first put him in his cage, he screamed at us. It was like a combination of a screech and a bird chirping. He did this in rapid succession for about 10 seconds. It was pretty funny. Immediately, though, he calmed down, and even began exploring, eating and wheeling. We thought he’d be shy, not eat and would just basically burrow for a while without moving.

He let me pat him in his cage yesterday and today he let me pick him up a few times. He loves his wheel, but it was so cute and funny how he was riding the outside of it at first. He got it down pat right away but was just on the wrong side. In no time at all, though, he was wheeling away on the inside of it.

It’s so nice to leave the room and not have to worry about it escaping. He’s more flexible and a bit faster than I thought, but he doesn’t have the speed, jumping ability and agility that Gizzy had. In two hops, Gizzy could get from one side of Mary’s cage to the other, but he’s a bit of a klutz. He falls out of one side of the tube, shuffles across to the other tube at the other side, and instead of quickly and easily hopping up into it like Gizzy did, he pulls his bulky little body up into it slowly. When he first went into one of the tubes (he’s asleep in one of them now), he looked like he was squashed in there cuz of his long fur, but he can even turn around in the tubes and I didn’t think he could.

Tom and I filmed him yesterday and I shot some pictures today, then changed the setup and took more pictures.

Since it takes a bit more effort for a hamster to climb the tubes than for a mouse, I decreased the length of his living space from about 5’ to about 2’. I decided he’d prefer a middle ground, instead of having to climb up such a long tube from the aquarium to the shelf that I had had Mary’s cage sitting on, which was about a 5’ climb. So, I put a small piece of Plexiglas on top of one end of the aquarium, put Mary’s house on that, then made 3 branches of tubing. On the right side, I have a straight piece and 2 curved ones that form a backward C with a long straight bottom. This extends slightly over my little worktable that’s next to the desk that his house sits on. On the other side of Mary’s cage are 3 curved tubes and one T that takes him downstairs into the aquarium, but branching off the top of this tube that is the only tube that gets him from the 1st and 2nd levels, is 3 curved tubes that make a partial S shape. It extends in the opposite direction of my desk and it rests on the rim of the aquarium, right over his ring tube that sits by itself in the aquarium.

This is how the aquarium is set up: on the back wall, from left to right is the tube that takes him from level to level, then resting against the back wall next to that is Mary’s purple plastic wheel (he can at least burrow in this, cuz he can’t run on it), then there’s the water bottle. Against the left side of the cage is the ring tube and in front from left to right, is his food dish that I took out of Mary’s cage and the pink wire wheel. I also put in a little wicker basket in Mary’s cage for him to chew on, but I think it’ll be a little too small for him to nestle in.

I got a nice treat in the mail from Kim yesterday. She sent some cards and pads she didn’t want. One of them is a pad of lined paper from the Marriott hotel in Springfield where she had a nursing seminar. Then there are 3 cute stick-it pads that I’ll use for journal notes. One has a teddy bear, one has Garfield and the other has a mouse.

Then there were 16 really cute little cards and envelopes with different mouse designs on them. These are really little too, that you can’t mail them as they’re only an inch or so big. So, I’ll enclose them in people’s letter envelopes. Here are the people who’ll receive cards - Tom, Andy, Laura, Michelle, Kim, Bob, Mom, Dad, Tammy, Bill, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Larry, Sandy, and Jen.

Lastly, besides a nice 5-page letter that was basically about her and Walter, she sent some birthday, anniversary, sympathy, get-well, and blank cards. There were 10 of them and I’ll save the get-well card for the next time Tom gets a cold or flu. Meanwhile, I don’t have to get any cards till January, with the exception of Hanukah and Christmas cards. I used the sympathy card to send Tammy, Bill and the girls their little cards and explained all that to them. But I’ve got an anniversary card for my folks and birthday cards for Tammy, Bill, Sarah, Kim and Tom’s mom. I used a “thinking of you” card for Andy and for the little cards for him and his roommate and friend.

I spoke to Lisa today who not surprisingly, gave me a slightly different story about Broadway than Tammy did. I knew Tammy was hyping things up. Tammy said that all the music director needed to hear was a few notes of Lisa singing, but Lisa said she was asked to sing more after their concert. Tammy said she was guaranteed a spot on the top of Broadway, but Lisa said the woman said she’d do whatever she could for her and that was it. Yeah, I figured Tammy was BSing me.

I also wasn’t surprised that Lisa said that Tammy ranked on my hair in the last set of pictures I sent her. Typical jealous Tammy - my hair looks like crap, I can’t sing too well, etc. Tammy could grow out her own hair if she really wanted to, I guess, but it’s obvious that she thinks she’s too fat, old and ugly to look good in it, so she’s jealous of mine and my figure and just how I look in general. She basically always has been and I know that no matter what she says and no matter how much she denies wishing she could sing, she’s jealous of that, too. She’s always been jealous of me and the things I can do well and how I look. I guess sisters go through their share of jealousy to a degree. I mean, I wish I had a kid (not 3), but this is bullshit that Tammy should’ve outgrown many many years ago. The only thing that’s changed is that she won’t cut me down out of jealousy to my face. Perhaps this is both cuz she knows that as I got older I refused to put up with it and also cuz she knows I know where she’s coming from as far as that’s concerned, and why she does it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25, 1997 Oh my God! I woke up at 104! I haven’t seen that number in months. I know it won’t last long and that I’ll return to the 108 I usually have been over the last year or so, but see? My parents leave and then I lose weight. If only the “right time” in God’s eyes for the kid was after Tom and my parents met. If only that’s what he was waiting for, but I know much much better.

Nonetheless, I’m still praying daily, as skeptical as I still am about it, cuz he seems to be suddenly answering more of my smaller prayers. Not only did he answer the two sleep prayers, but last night, after I heard that dog for the second time at 1 AM, I prayed about that situation and I haven’t heard the dog since, but who knows what I’m really in for as far as that goes? And who knows how much this really has to do with God or just plain old luck? Some things just aren’t obvious whether or not something that happens is really all that influenced by God, but a kid would be different. That would very obviously be God blessing us with love if he gave us that gift, but you know how God is with me - he chose to give me other gifts. The less natural and common ones like singing, etc. And he gave Tom brains galore and a heart of gold.

Once again, this month’s PMS (I’m due tomorrow), has been a piece of cake, too, and I really feel his not cumming during the right time frame has to do with it. Still, I know deep down that no matter how much he cums at the right time, I will get my period. It’s totally senseless for me to worry about a miscarriage, once again, too, cuz if God really wanted to put me through that (guess he never hated me that much) and wanted me to get all psyched up just to lose it at 2-3 months down the road, this would’ve happened by now. God’s had plenty of opportunities to make sure I had a miscarriage and he never has yet, so why would he start now? I’ll just have to remind myself of this (that I’ll get my period and that I won’t have a miscarriage) the next time Tom cums when I’m mid-cycle.

Only about 9 hours left till we get that hamster!

Poor Marla. I totally sympathize with what happened to her. In her email to me, she enclosed some poems she wrote in the 60s, which were very nice. So, I attached my song file and sent her that. Then, I went to check for mail about an hour ago and there was a message from her saying she just typed me up an enormous email and then she crashed and lost it. She said she’s so frustrated so to be patient with her. Yeah, I know all about that kind of frustration when I’d accidentally delete stuff back when I didn’t know what I was doing very well and would want to delete my life, I’d get so mad and frustrated.

Later…

OK, something’s definitely screwy with the scale. Now it says 107 and I know I couldn’t gain 3 pounds on two cups of coffee and a few bites of mashed potatoes, so Tom’s right - digital scales are screwy. Also, I think it said that humidity affects it. Also, I’ve had it lying on its side. I weighed myself at 104 when the bathroom was dry. Then, I took a shower (the bathroom has no vents, either) and weighed 107. My metabolism can’t be that slow. On an accurate scale, I probably truly weigh 105-107.

I’ve proofread the Oswego and Woodside files and now I’ve got one journal left in the Elm file, then it’s onto the Norwich file - Yuck!

Before Tom left for work he was saying, “I didn’t get no birthday cards today,” in a disappointed tone of voice.

His birthday’s not till Saturday, so I’m sure he’ll get a card from his mom and who knows who else. He has only had one card so far (from my folks), but when he comes home, he’ll have two cuz I just made him one.

Yesterday I managed to stay up 18 hours, so I should have no problem with my teeth cleaning appointment tomorrow. He said he appreciated my noble efforts (he wanted to screw when he got home) to stay up so we could have fun. Well, I do love to have fun myself and I think that’s reason number two as to why my PMS is so much easier to deal with. He didn’t cum, though, cuz it was too close to the last time he came and cuz he had been up 20 hours. In most ways, this gonna be 40-year-old has the energy of a 20-year-old, but for him, cumming and tiredness don’t mix.

Later…

I’m back to 104 again now that the bathroom’s dried up.

I wish we had the extra money to get some of these games registered. Not only would I have an extended and better version of these games if they were registered, but I wouldn’t have to go through the hassles that unregistered games bring. They are a real pain in the ass with all their delays and extra buttons to click.

Just 6 more hours till hamster time and I hope that he doesn’t make me wait too long on him when he gets in, cuz I know he loves that. Anyway, Tom said he wants me to pick out the hamster, but naturally, if they’re too much more expensive than we thought they’d be, we won’t get one today. And if none of them really speak to me, I won’t get one either. Animal shopping is a lot like journal shopping for me. If the right one’s there, it just jumps out at me, so hopefully one of these hamsters will just jump right out at me the instant I see it and will be affordable, too.

Mary and Dave are going to New York for a week, where Dave’s from, so we will be feeding their 4 hamsters while they’re gone, but I’m not sure when they’re going.

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 1997 Don’t people anywhere give a fuck about their neighbors and about animals? I mean this is fucking great! Just what I need! Someone at one of the houses across the street (I can’t tell which one yet), got a fucking big dog with a fierce, loud bark. A bark like a St. Bernard would have. The front of the house was the only part of the house that was kind of peaceful and now I can’t even have that anymore. Now the living room’s gonna be as loud as the back room is when those two dogs bark. Watching TV and trying to talk to Tom or Andy on the phone isn’t gonna be easy now that I’ve got to listen to this shit in the background. And of course, the dog’s got to be left outside 24 hours a day. Tom says once it gets used to its new surroundings, it’ll stop. Not a chance! I mean, how many more years do those two dogs need to get used to their surroundings? Another 3 years? When I stepped outside to try to see where the dog was, it sounded like it was right at the end of our driveway, so how the fuck can these assholes that got this dog to store as a piece of old yard furniture even sleep?

Later…

Out of all those games I got, there are only 7 games I like and chose to keep. The rest were either full of bugs and they just wouldn’t run, or they were DOS games or just stupid games that I didn’t like. There’s a pretty cool tile game, too, only it uses marbles and not tiles. I only got a few more puzzles, but the coolest thing about it is that from most of my puzzle games, I can open and load any of my Gloria or Norah pictures that I use as wallpaper and screensavers. There are a couple of games I got that appear to be virtually impossible to win. One’s this thing where you click on squares to flip them over till you get the icon you chose and you never know which squares to flip. It’s all a matter of guessing. The other one’s a bunch of blocks and each side of the block has a different color. You must put these blocks into a big square in the form of the pattern they show you. Another one I got that’s just so-so but is OK is this thing where you have to match the color of the square they show you, by sliding color buttons. I believe you have 3 colors - red, green and blue.

That girl Sarah whom I used to be pen pals with for a little while, showed up by surprise at Andy’s place from L.A. Andy says she’s doing well, though.

I hope Andy will find a way to deal with his loneliness, the same way I hope it’ll keep getting easier for me to deal with never having a kid, as it has been. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there and I’ll get by. I don’t have a choice and neither does he. I mean, I wish to hell I was wrong, but he’ll never have his Mr. Right, any more than I’ll have a child. It wasn’t meant to be, or else we’d have had it by now. We all can’t help what we feel, think, believe, or want. But what’s meant to be is what’s meant to be and what’s not is not.

On the other hand, there is one way Andy might stand a chance, whereas I don’t even have a chance. If he just didn’t smoke pot, then maybe, just maybe, he could find a good person. But as long as he’s a user who looks for guys in bars, he hasn’t got a chance. But he still does deserve someone.

I haven’t heard any dogs all night, so that’s good.

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 1997 Before I update, let me back up to some stuff I’ve read along the way of proofreading the Elm file. This is going back to S. Deerfield in 1991-1992.

There are about 3 things I read that make absolutely no sense to me. Why did I always use to say that I couldn’t remember much of my life up till I was 18? It’s just the other way around and people like Andy and Tom got me to see that. I remember almost everything. I remember too much. Way more than most people, I think, and I just don’t believe I could have any traumas that I’ve blocked out like that therapist Cassandra I had suggested. My memory’s just too darn good for that and I remember other traumatic situations I’ve been in, so why wouldn’t I remember all traumas and why would I block any out? So, if someone ever molested me, then yes, it’s blocked out beyond reach and I have no idea of it.

And what Valleyhead secrets? I had written something about not ever being able to write about secrets from there, but there are no Valleyhead secrets. I’ve written exactly what I went through there and what it was like there, just as I honestly remember my experiences to be.

Lastly, not too long before I moved from there to CT, I had mentioned seeing the apartments I was to move to. No, I didn’t. I never saw them till the day I got there and maybe those “nice” apartments I mentioned seeing there were the ones for the elderly that were further up the road. See, the NHA projects were spread down a long road that goes up to the top of a hill. That hill is the end of the line and there’s nothing but woods back there. Well, the part I said I saw must’ve been further up the road, not as far down to the end of this road up top the hill.

And where in the world did I ever get off thinking that any of these project buildings had skating rinks or elevators? The buildings all looked the same, except for the family and single units where I was. When you enter the road, which is long, but a dead-end, of course, all the projects branch off at the sides. Throughout 90% of the road, are small, square, 2-story houses that the old people were in. That was the better, cleaner, less congested, quieter area, but once you hit the top of the hill and the end of the road, everything’s on one floor, except for the family units that are in the middle of the single units. Each building has 4 apartments and is rectangular-shaped. These buildings are set up around a square court where people would park their cars. This is where it was more congested, trashed and noisy. The elderly houses just look like houses on a typical road, but not where I was. Where I was, there were two different types of building setups. The ones with 2-family units in the center, with a single unit on each side of the 2-family units. These were the 4-bedroom family units. The other buildings had 2-3 bedrooms only.

When in the apartment I lived in, if I looked out my front door, I’d see the square court which was the parking lot, and the dumpster. Also, the other 3 buildings. One was directly across from me, its front doors facing me. Then there was one to my left and to my right, its front doors facing into the court, too. To the left of my apartment was a big field that was part of the school. Behind me was all woods. To my right, was Barbara and her wild family, of course.

I’m sure the elderly people had better living conditions, but I know that the apartments I was in were totally condemned with no luxuries of any kind. I didn’t have a shower; just a tub. I had no garbage disposal, dishwasher, or anything there, but a small, filthy dump with paper-thin walls. The living conditions were pretty terrible. There was no door to the bedroom closet, which was more like a long, shallow alcove, than a closet. I had no shades on the windows and no light fixtures. I had nothing there. Nothing but no sleep and no peace and no life.

Anyway, back to the present. We bombed as planned, and went to Denny’s in Scottsdale.

No freeloader nuisances of any kind and God answered my prayers again. I know this was an easy prayer that may have had nothing to do with God after all, but just plain luck of my own. I asked him to please let me sleep till my body decided to wake up (yesterday was stereo day, so I was a bit worried about that and any bomb effects on my asthma), and that’s just what happened. I slept fine.

Now, if only he could answer my prayers for a child, but I know better. We all gotta just accept fate for what it is.

Later…

Poor Andy. I just spoke with him and he’s really bumming over not having a boyfriend and just about life in general. Well, you know me, I don’t believe a boyfriend’s meant to be for him, or else he’d have that by now.

He said that fat Indian called to tell him he’s been dating someone for a week and Andy’s like, that’s not fair! What about me? Yeah, that’s just what I say when I turn on the TV and hear of a 13-year-old getting pregnant, That’s not fair! What about me?

So after thinking about it, I asked myself, then him when he called me? If this guy got someone he’s been seeing for a week, then why would he need to call Andy?

Cuz the boyfriend was out of town for a few days on a business trip, he was bored and just wanted to rub it into Andy and brag about it, no doubt. This is why Andy thinks he called and I agree.

Later…

I just had yet another of my many many theories/beliefs as to why I have been denied the gift of a child. And the woman I had wanted, and the singing career I had wanted, and other things I once wanted quite badly.

Everyone says my mother spoiled me as a child cuz of her guilt about my ear. Tom says I’m spoiled, too. Well, if any of this is true, then I wonder if that’s got anything to do with why most of the things I’ve really wanted really bad were denied to me. Did God, the devil, or whatever up there decide - OK, she was spoiled enough as a kid, so now I’m gonna make sure she can’t have the things she wants most. She has to pay for her mother’s mistakes.

But what about the fact that my childhood was also a living nightmare most of the time? What about the living hell I went through with my parents, others, and the things that weren’t just handed to me? Doesn’t that count for anything? I’ve still had to work for and fight tooth and nail for almost everything I’ve had or done. From life’s basic, everyday things, to things like singing, drawing, etc. You know how it is with me - the more normal and ordinary something is in life - the harder I have to try in order to obtain it. (maybe)

How can I be 109 pounds? Well, I am and I know I’m a few days away from my period, but I don’t feel like I’ve gained 4 pounds in two days. Usually, when I’m over 106, I feel it, so to speak, but now I feel like I did two days ago when I was 105. Has my metabolism really gotten that slow that I could gain two pounds a day? Or am I becoming more solid and gaining muscle weight and not inches, water or fat? Anyway, I don’t feel loaded with water and bloated to the point where I feel I’m gonna burst. And my tits are virtually free of soreness. Guess that vitamin E really does help, cuz I feel pretty good and not like such a blimp for being a few days away from my rag, so to hell with what the scale says, even though I still know I could afford to firm up and lose a good 10 pounds or so.

Andy also told me about something that he’s told me since he got here he’s felt alienated by his family, with the exception of his sisters.

I got a recipe from a gelatin box for Fruity Crème Desert, so I copied it into the index card notebook Ma gave me and I typed it up for her, too.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 1997 One more hour till I go get him up. I’ll have to ask him since I don’t know for sure, but I wonder if we can store paper plates and stuff like that in the oven and microwave?

Amazingly, I woke up at 105 pounds a couple of days ago. First time I’ve been that low in months, but I know it won’t last long.

I downloaded 42 puzzle, maze, logic, tile and match games. It took 1½ hours, but I can’t wait to check them out! I went about finding these in a different way. On AOL, not the Internet, I brought up a search form and typed the word “puzzles” and got a list of 250 hits to scroll/check.

The only thing about this method that’s not so cool is that it doesn’t show the game to you like it does with the kid’s games in their game section. I really prefer to see the game’s graphics and layout first, but I’ll just delete those I don’t like as I normally do anyhow.

SATURDAY, JUNE 21, 1997 I’m kind of bored at the moment, not that there aren’t things I could be doing. It’s just one of those nights we all have every so often when we say to ourselves, I could do this or this or that, but I don’t really feel like it right now.

Anyway, I did make a roast earlier and it came out great! Best one I ever tasted and it just melts right in your mouth. It’s not the eye of the round roast that mom and I cooked when mom and dad were here. Tom couldn’t find that, so he got something else (can’t remember what it’s called), and his mom said to cook it the same way. Well, from now on, this is what we’ll get. It’s cheaper, too. Instead of putting a can of whole potatoes and a can of sweet potatoes around the roast, though, I put two cans of whole potatoes around it. I like whole potatoes better than sweet potatoes and I’m sure Tom agrees.

I finished proofreading journal 17 earlier so now I’m down to 58 more to go. I only need to read up till I hit 99 and when I go through the 30s - 70s, it’ll go quicker. The rest are longer and more thorough with no illustrations or letters copied in, etc.

Gizzy still hasn’t been caught, either.

Later…

Boy, was I ever wrong in a great kind of way! Yes, I’m psyched to report that really early in the morning, he came! He came big time. So that once again increased my faith. Not that God will allow us a child, but that things will work out nonetheless, and that my husband is just what he says he is. I’m happy to have pleased him and once again, I feel a lot more normal, so to speak. It also pleases me to know I please him and I’m sorry that my paranoid and suspicious side had kicked in again and that I had thought he was pulling my leg and decided to hang up the juice for quite a while.

Just maybe I will resume praying again (I hadn’t over the last few days) and he sure did answer a prayer of mine earlier.

Me and the fourth hour of sleep just don’t seem to get along. We had caught and freed Gizzy at about 4 AM, so we decided that we’d bomb real early Sunday morning. I fell asleep at 8 AM, then awoke at 12:30 so hungry. So I went and grabbed a couple of granola bars, smoked a cigarette, and begged God to allow me to fall back asleep, cuz if I didn’t, that would’ve screwed up our plans (we’re also hoping to get the hamster on Wednesday when my schedule’s wrapped around enough so I can be up between 10 AM-noon to get it) So, here I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, praying to God to let me, and the next time I opened my eyes it was just after 4 PM, so that worked out really well.

There have been no cars next door, either, so I’m sure that it’ll be next weekend or the one after that that he’ll be there.

Hopefully, Gizzy’s happy being a free mouse now and has found a little partner. We know that a part of his sudden desire to be free wasn’t just cuz he started off as a wild mouse, but also due to that natural urge to go make babies. Yeah, I know all about natural urges, but at least Gizzy’s been given a shot at that and can get that. I just hope that no cat gets a hold of him, but I can feel that he’s alive out there and is happy.

Later…

Tom’s gonna be crashing in a few minutes, then I’m gonna get him up at 4:00. We’ll bomb, and then go to Denny’s. We only need to be out of here for two hours.

I de-dutied the patio so that when we move the Piggy and Bunny hutch out there, it won’t have to be put down on bird duties. Bunny will be outside while we bomb, of course, but Piggy will come with us in the aquarium that’s been Gizzy’s downstairs area and will be the hamster’s downstairs area. We’ll throw the tubes and the wheel in the hutch. I’ve got to get some preparations done, by covering some stuff. I’ll wash whatever got hit by the bomb that I couldn’t cover or stick in the refrigerator when we get back.

Later…

Just saw yet another spider. Just 7 more hours, you suckers!

I was cruising through the web last night when I found a site with real-life ghost stories, told by several different people and of their experiences with the paranormal.

I’m glad I wasn’t asleep just now. Some guy just knocked on the door cuz he was looking for someone on 31st Dr. Yeah well, he’s a few blocks away at least. First I heard him try the doorknob, so if he doesn’t know this person well enough to know where they live, why would he try the knob? Anyway, I pointed out where I think that address is and he drove off, so I didn’t need to kill anyone tonight.

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 1997 I’m still waiting for that darn mouse to go into his trap, but so far he hasn’t been in a hurry.

I awoke from bad dreams after only about 4 hours of sleep and was amazingly not tired all day. In fact, I felt the best I’ve ever felt from only 4 hours of sleep since I was around 21. Maybe that’s cuz I slept a long time yesterday, but I’ll need to catch up the next time I crash, so hopefully nothing will disturb me in any way.

I also hope there’ll be no shit from next door.

I swam at dusk and it was so nice and that’s a fine time for it too, cuz that way you know the bees are gone, but you’ve got just enough light to see if there are any dead bugs floating on the water that you don’t want to swim into and have tangled in your hair.

I would’ve died of a heart attack if I had been the one to encounter what Tom encountered on his way to work outside the garage door. One of those huge, scary and disgusting spiders. He said it was just about as big as his hand.

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 1997 Well, Gizzy sure wasn’t home for very long. He escaped last night, so this time - he’s out of here! I still love that darn little cute mouse, so if he wants his freedom so bad and if that’s what’ll make him happy - so be it. I’ve got the trap set up and he’s probably asleep now and won’t be caught till well after sundown.

Tom set up the 10 games I downloaded and there are 3 of them I like. They’re cute little matching games, but the others were a bore and I didn’t get as many drawing ideas as I thought I would, but that’s OK.

I’m going back and forth in my mind from feeling like maybe the reason why Tom either doesn’t cum or cums so little, is cuz of me. One minute I feel it’s him, then me, and I always feel like there’s a third party at work too, that’s involved in this. As involved as we are. Maybe more.

Maybe I have been a selfish, paranoid, spoiled, negative, pushy bitch. I don’t know. Tom did say that he always thought counting cycles was negative and unnecessary and that it wasn’t helping him, but that he thought it was important to me. Not if it’s a bother to him. Besides, I can see a couple where a guy cums regularly, doesn’t get the woman pregnant, then they count. So, for us to count really is a waste. He also says yet again that if I quit trying to fix things, things will work out and he won’t feel like I stopped caring as I worried he would if I just seemed to have given up on it and also with suggesting stuff to do to help us. Maybe he’s right and he’s gotten me to see things in a whole new light. I had always thought that if you had a problem, you should do everything you can to fix it, but perhaps not. Trying to fix and not trying to fix my smoking situation has never worked, but we did have to fix the stereo. And then there are the weight problems I’ve had on and off during my life. Sometimes, I’d try to fix that to no avail, give up, but then it’d fix itself and I’d lose weight. So maybe it depends on the situation you’re in and are dealing with.

It’s time to really start giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, shut up, and see what happens. I still believe we’re not destined for a child per orders of something up there, but just maybe I really have been too hard on him and as a reminder to myself - there have been things I swore he wouldn’t or couldn’t do and I called him a liar about these things, but he was the one who ended up right and I was wrong. So like I said, I’ll just back off, stop trying to fix this, be negative in my mind only if I can’t help but feel negative and try not to speak out loud any negative, skeptical or paranoid thoughts, and just see what he does and what happens. For all I know, he may truly believe in his mind that this is our ticket to a child, but be totally wrong (naturally), but there’s only one way we’ll find out if it’ll help him to at least get off more and that’s by doing what I just said I was gonna do. It may be hard at times, but for now, if I have to just write my thoughts down or talk to the animals or the walls, that’s what I’ll do if it’ll help make things better. Even Marla suggested this.

I don’t know if I should keep up the praying to God as I said before, cuz that would be asking for him to fix things and that wouldn’t be just letting time see if it could fix itself and I’m still sure God’s not on our side and that there’s no help from him. If he hasn’t answered my prayers in 3 years, why would he answer them now?

Tom says he doesn’t blame me for anything, but I told him that if I’m responsible in any way for us not having a child now, then I’m truly sorry.

I think I’ll go for a swim tonight after the bees go to bed. The pool’s now perfect for nighttime swims.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 1997 I have decided to stop the daily praying to God. Since I’ve been doing this, there have just been too many problems. My lungs have been worse and I’ve been more depressed, so I’m hanging it up. Whatever it is up there that’s always dealt with me and my life, be it God or the devil, it doesn’t give a shit about me, so why should it start giving a shit now? Let it not give a shit. Let it think I don’t deserve a child. Let it not help me after I’ve tried to help myself. But I’ll be damned if I’ll let it hurt me by this and rule my life any more than it already has. God may control my body, but I’m gonna be the one controlling my mind for once. I’m not gonna waste my time bullshitting myself by telling myself I’ll have a child. I’m gonna be strong and tell myself what’s meant to be and what’s not and just deal with it. Life has to go on. If anything, I think I’d have a hell of a better chance at telling myself I don’t want a kid and why I shouldn’t have one, than trying to convince myself I will have one. I said I was gonna make a game out of what’s reality here, so maybe it’s time to start writing and thinking in terms of reality - that it’s a good thing it’s not meant to be, I’d be just like my mother, have no freedom, the marriage would suffer, etc. Then I can really feel blessed by telling myself I have a God-given built-in birth control system for my own good and protection and be glad that we can always “miss it.”

Not only can I not force Tom to cum, to go to a doctor (which wouldn’t help) and to want a child more than he does, I can be grateful for what I do have and for how things are and just go with the flow of them. There’s no use fighting fate and I’ll admire my strength and determination to walk away from and stop fighting fate and dreams that are just dreams.

Tom was really tired yesterday and I had asked him if he was glad that things wouldn’t be changing and he said no. Well, I know he is glad that things won’t be changing and at least he knows and admitted that.

Anyway, it’s time to think of him for once and not for myself. If he’s happy not cumming and if he really doesn’t want to go to a doctor or be a dad, then God and I will be happy for him that he’ll get his way.

Enough baby talk for now and onto other things and onto real life.

Marla said she told Andy the same things I’ve told him. That the pot makes him too air-headed and forgetful and that he’s looking for Mr. Right in all the wrong places. When it comes to guys, friends and roommates, he has this particular fascination with the druggie. I know, though, that it’ll be hard for him to find someone that’s clean, even if wanted that. Most folks just aren’t too clean and he would have a hard time finding a drugless person as he himself is a user. A drugless person isn’t usually gonna go for a user.

Boy, was it a scorcher out there today. A high of 114º. The pool is like bathwater.

Tom picked up a nice appointment book. He was gonna use his laptop, but he hadn’t really kept up on it like I thought he wouldn’t. The keys were screwed up, though. Well, hopefully, he won’t waste this nice new appointment book he got and will organize his time better with it. He had said he wanted to do this to free up more time. It’s to divide the time spent with me/us/household stuff and time spent with his mom, in a way that’ll allow him to use time better.

So far, we’ve still been having more sex which is nice, but I’m curious to see how long he can keep up with it, even though I know his cumming days are over. Or are over for quite a while.

I wonder, though, why did he want to count my cycle last month and this month? He had said that he didn’t think that was necessary and I agreed to go along with that, so I don’t know what he’s up to other than teasing or God only knows what. He had said we’ll start 3 days earlier next month, but that’d be really pointless as long as he chooses not to cum.

I caught Gizzy last night. He had been trapped in Tom’s little room, so he opened the door a crack at about 10:30, and about two hours later, I trapped him in the kitchen by the stove.

Whenever we get a hamster (and I expect Tom will have me “wait” on this), we’ll probably set him free. That way I don’t have to worry about his escaping and it’s a bitch to try to clean the cage or to try to move an animal (if we bomb) that’s wild and that just cannot be tamed. I can’t just go pick him up like I can with the pig and the rabbit. And like I could with a hamster.

Later…

Oh, so next door’s getting in at around this time these days, huh? At least I only knew so due to hearing the car door, but that’s probably cuz it wasn’t him. I think it was her female friend. I can’t wait to see what he does the next time he’s over there, but I just hope to hell he never ever moves back in there, cuz then there’s gonna be lots of trouble around here and I’d rather not have to deal with it. I know that if I really wanted to or needed to I could make them scared enough of me to not play their music above a whisper and to not do anything to the house or in the way of complaints, but I’d rather not have to deal with the stress of that. They’re not worth it. No one is. I’d just rather have my sleep and peace around here without having to kick ass for it or scare anyone for it. It’s like with how I bitch about how people shouldn’t have to work for a child. Well, no one should have to work for peace around their house, either. Not unless they do have a child, cuz that goes with the territory. If we had had a child, we certainly wouldn’t have been able to hear ourselves think around here, that’s for sure.

OK, I think I’ll go get some proofreading done now.

Later…

As I sit here, I do some thinking and I wonder - did I ever really want a child as bad as I said? Well, the answer’s yes. If I could snap my fingers and be pregnant now I really would do so, even if God would be just as quick to snap his fingers and make sure I lost it. If Tom begged me to see a doctor as time passed without a baby resulting, and if he was encouraging all the way through due to my belief that God would foul it all up for us, then I would go to a doctor. But this isn’t gonna happen. He can live without a child just fine and even though he says he wants one, any guy that can say “OK, fine,” when a woman says they won’t have a child, as I’ve done at times, can’t be all that serious about wanting one. After saying it was fine, I know he’d never have said one word pertaining to still wanting one or one word to try to change my mind and that tells me right there, that he was never that serious.

So, my point is, maybe it’ll be easier to give up than I ever thought it would (not that I have a choice), knowing he doesn’t want a child that bad and knowing a doctor couldn’t beat God for us and win. Maybe I just don’t think a child is worth the risk of God punishing me for going to a doctor’s office. And maybe a child’s not worth trying to “make” my husband want a child as bad as me and to cum more and this is something I certainly could never do anyway. Tom has to want to cum and to cum a lot and to want the child enough to see a doctor of his own free will. No one else can make him. He will not cum on command, therefore, if we went to a doctor now, in 5 years or 10 years, and they tell him to cum so they can either test his sperm or use it to fertilize an egg, there’s no way he’ll do this. It’s more important that he not cum for a reason and cuz some doctor said to (even if he agreed to it) than to have a child. So as long as Tom’s the way he is, we don’t have a fighting chance and we certainly don’t stand a chance against God who doesn’t give a shit and who won’t help us at all. God could’ve made sure we hit it right when he was cumming. Or he could’ve made sure one got away from his pre-cum and hit an egg, but no. God does not want to see us help ourselves. God does not want to help us. God does not want us to succeed.

As long as Tom’s gonna run around saying he’ll cum more and I’ll get pregnant, which is bullshit, then I can’t care enough to do anything more than I already have to try to get pregnant. If he came more or suggested a doctor to help him cum more and to see about what we could do to get me pregnant, then yes. I may care more and not feel so much like giving up. And this is regardless of the fact that I could never be allowed a child, anyway. Let him be the one to decide he wants a child and to suggest a doctor for once. I know this won’t happen as I said, but if it did, then I’ll go to the doctor and get a miscarriage. For now, though, as far as I’m concerned, my husband either subconsciously, consciously or both, doesn’t want a child that bad, so he doesn’t cum and he doesn’t push for seeing a doctor and therefore, I care less, knowing I can’t make him feel the way I feel.

Let him do what he does best - tell me he’ll cum more and I’ll inevitably get pregnant. Meanwhile, I’ll give up and call it the hopeless, closed chapter of my life that it always has been.

I downloaded 10 little cute kids’ games for drawing ideas. I still don’t have the smarts to unpack them, so hopefully Tom can do it soon.

I gotta go get him up soon.

Why do I have a feeling that the frequent sex we had was just to please me, as well as something else I recently wrote about, and that it’s coming to an end? Well, if he’s hoping I’m gonna beg him for it to pick up again, he’s wrong. I’m not gonna be teased or played with.

I’m recording a movie now too, so I can zip through the baby commercials all about home pregnancy tests, not doing drugs while pregnant, getting an AIDS test before pregnancy, etc.

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 1997 I’m sitting here trying to get online, but that’s not looking very possible. That’s probably cuz I had been online for so long earlier and they don’t want me hogging up one of these cheap asshole’s lines for too long. I’m trying to find online books to print out.

Still no sign of Gizzy and am pretty sure he got out of the house.

I’m making chicken wings now.

I woke up wheezing after 4 hours of sleep (if you’re gonna wake up with an attack, it’s always at the 4th hour of sleep), but 45 minutes later I had it under control and went back to sleep for another 5 hours.

AOL is really ridiculous and it looks like they’re just not gonna let me online.

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 1997 Tom’s running some errands now, but I guess he’ll be in any second now.

Although I’m still doing better as far as my mental state goes, I’m rather depressed today. All this praying to God, listening to those who say we’ll have a kid, trying to tell myself things will work out, is just a joke. I know what I know. Dreams that have been dreams for years don’t just suddenly jump out at you and become a real-life thing. I’ve heard people say that they prayed for years to get stuff they’ve wanted. Well, I’ve been praying for years and I haven’t gotten what I’ve wanted, so that’s a sign enough that I’m asking for the impossible. There is just no way I’ll ever have a child. And there really is something up there that wants to see me hurt by this and that doesn’t like me.

I can’t believe I even brought up the idea of seeing a doctor next year. Like that’d really do us any good? Yeah right! Something hasn’t allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. Therefore, if any doctor sticks a fertilized egg in me, it’s just gonna be removed. Stolen. Taken away forever.

Another thing is, I know now for sure that Tom has gone back to not cumming and it’s of his own doing and his own desire to do so and I know this is a long-term thing. Meaning, if he ever cums again, we’re talking another 2½ years or so that he’s gonna refuse to cum. He can blame me, he can blame the heat, he can blame his racing heart, he can blame anything, but it’s his own choice and free will that’s doing this. This is why he’s been reassuring me that things are “perfect” and that I’m so great in bed. Cuz he doesn’t want me to feel guilty for something that he’s chosen to do. After thinking about it, I realized that it’s not only obvious that he’s quit cumming since it’s been two months since the last time he came, but there is no more room in my mind for doubt about this. I’m 100% sure he’ll either not cum again for a very long time or never again. Yeah well, there’s no way in hell I’m going to go to a fertility doctor, let alone both a sex counselor, as well as a fertility doctor, cuz I just couldn’t deal with it and it wouldn’t do me any good. I’d never win and get what I wanted.

I also know that God has a big part in this, too. Meaning, if he didn’t want Tom to quit cumming, he’d influence Tom, probably without Tom even knowing it, and Tom wouldn’t want to quit.

I also wonder if this having more sex lately is both a cover and a show. Perhaps it’s to ease his guilt and to compromise with me in his own way, by giving me more sex, cuz he knows he’s not gonna cum. And perhaps he said to himself, Well I don’t want to cum anymore and I don’t want to see her go through a miscarriage and I don’t really want a kid all that much, but to cover this up, I’ll give her sex more often with the hopes of her not suspecting the truth.

He said that the more he screws, though, the more he cums. Well, we’ve been doing an awful lot of screwing lately, so why isn’t he cumming?

People work building houses. People pay money for cars. But you can’t put a price on life. People aren’t supposed to work for and pay for kids. But if they must - why can’t some teenager work her ass off for it for once? And why can’t some murderer go out and “buy” a 5,000-dollar or more baby? I’m not gonna work for and pay for what God and nature intended for people to have naturally and effortlessly.

Later…

God, this business that calls all the time just doesn’t give the fuck up! It comes up as only unavailable on the box with no name or number and they only let the damn phone ring twice. Like most people can get to the phone that fast? I don’t think so.

When I got up at 10 AM I noticed that Gizzy escaped, since I took the Plexiglas sheets off of the top of the aquarium, which made it easier for him to get out. Tom noticed he wasn’t in his cage, too, a couple of hours earlier. So, Gizzy’s not happy with just his wheel and home, huh? Well, we talked about it and we’re gonna get a hamster. I’m tired of animals that can jump and escape so easily, whereas hamsters are kind of fat and bulky and can’t jump any better than guinea pigs can. I think Gizzy’s escaped through the large enough crack in the back door, but if I catch him, I’ll keep him till we can afford to get a hamster, then I’ll set him free. It’s time for him to return to the wild. I love him, but he’s too much trouble and just isn’t worth it.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 1997 I’m back to say that we had a wonderful anniversary and God actually answered my prayers! Not a peep out of next door and nobody attempted a ballgame for 5 minutes or more, either.

We went to see his ma and he took her to church. While she was in church I played some computer games and sat in her chair that vibrates to give massages. It was OK. Nothing great. You can vibrate the seat of the chair, as well as the back of it, but nothing replaces a good pair of hands giving you a massage.

I got a kick out of how Ma said I wear sundresses well and that my bust is high and my stomach’s flat. I still may be high-chested, but my stomach’s anything but flat.

Then we went to Baskin Robbin’s and he got a malt and I got a caramel sundae.

As we were pulling into our driveway, I saw a royal blue car parked next door, but it left soundlessly.

When we arrived here at the house, which was around noon, there was a message from my dad and one from Andy.

Dad wished us a happy anniversary and Tom a happy birthday.

Andy’s message was kind of rude and selfish. When I talked to him yesterday I had mentioned that today was our anniversary, but instead of wishing us a happy anniversary, he bitched about his problems. Bitching about his problems is fine with me, but perhaps he’s a bit envious. I know he’d love to be having a third anniversary with a great guy, and like Marla and I both agree, as well as others, I hope he’ll have that chance someday.

Yesterday, after he bitched about Laura (it’s like Laura’s the old me and I’m now Brenda since he used to bitch to her about me when he lived with me), I left him a message letting him know that he’s still a good person, regardless of what she’s done wrong to him. Or even anything he may have done that he shouldn’t have. And also that he’s not the old Andy M and he is a good roommate. He was really pleased to hear this and thanked me for it, saying it was a nice thing to say. I think it cheered him up a bit and that’s nice to know.

So, about an hour after we got home, we screwed, then planted the cactuses, then screwed again a few hours later. It was great, but of course he still won’t cum and I’m still just not sure whether he really can’t for various reasons right now, but will cum soon, or if he’s deliberately decided he’s gonna quit cumming. Time will tell, I guess, but cuz I know I’m not destined for a kid and cuz he has finally cum after 2½ years, I’m not as worried about it. He has to do what he has to do.

I told him I was a bit paranoid that it was me not being good enough and how I’m sorry I can’t always satisfy him, cuz I do love him so very much and he said things are great, and if I love him, I’ll relax and let things be. He has a point, but I told him to remember not to think I stopped caring or that I won’t do my best to please him in any way, cuz that’s my job as his wife who loves him.

I also spoke to Kim, who I had been worried about, cuz I hadn’t heard from her by way of phone or mail, but she’s doing well enough. She’s been busy, but she’s still with Walter and I’m glad for her.

I got a kick out of next door watering a good 5 feet or so of our yard. No, I wouldn’t have been pissed if I’d had clothes on the line, since that got drenched, cuz I’d have just left them out there longer. I asked Tom if he thought it was deliberate or if she just didn’t know any better and he said it was probably cuz she didn’t realize how she set it up. So, the clothesline, the hedges, the bird of paradise tree, and one palm tree, got watered quite well.

I still can’t believe that for it being Sunday, I haven’t heard one stereo go blasting by. On a typical Sunday, you usually hear that about 4 times a day here. And I’m also pleased to know that next door’s been quiet, but who knows at what volume he’ll come in at during the one or two weekends a month he’s here, but I can deal with a few times a month a whole hell of a lot better than I could deal with a few times a day like in the past.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 1997 Well, I screamed at next door this morning. At fucking 6:30 in the morning, right after I got up, they had their music playing, so I went out and screamed at them about that and the time, then slammed the door on them. It was that burgundy car and some guy I’d never seen before was at the passenger door, then what I think was the woman that lives there, was walking towards the car as I was yelling at them. I’m sure asshole Mike was behind the wheel, but I couldn’t see.

Tom saw me do this, so naturally, I thought he was gonna be pissed off at me all day, but all he said was that the music wasn’t too loud and I should’ve waited 5 or 10 minutes, but that the music was only going on for a minute or two. And that he hopes they won’t lodge a complaint to the city about our weeds or our old, deteriorating roof.

First off, I’m sure that if they’re gonna “get me” for my outburst, it’ll be by playing music louder and more often and by way of obnoxious parties. Secondly, no it wasn’t that loud, but the point of the matter is, is that I could hear it enough and I’m not gonna take their rude and obnoxious shit and I don’t care how often it is or for how long each session lasts. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to know that they exist. And I’m not gonna put up with them. I haven’t put up with them for months and that was the end of it back then and my days of dealing with disrespectful neighbors are over. I’m not going back to the old days when I tell them nicely over and over just to get no results and have my requests for them to turn their music down fall upon deaf ears. Now, I know that God’s not gonna let me just walk away from this and I know that this won’t be the end. Yes, after I yelled, they turned the music off and left quietly, but I’m not stupid. I know God will get me for this by either having them come blasting in like hell later on, or by him having something else go wrong in my life, but I’m not gonna just sit back and take it, either. If I hear their music again and if it’s above a faint whisper, they’re gonna wish to hell they never moved into that house!

Well, Tom was cool about it and he understood, but he also knows that I believe there are boundaries and limits set on when to worry about retaliation and all that and when it’s time to speak up. Really speak up, since talking nicely and quietly doesn’t do shit with people like this.

Later…

Oh shit! I really think history is repeating itself here. He and her and whoever that guy was that was with them is still gone, but now there’s someone over there doing a very thorough job on their lawn, and that spells out p-a-r-t-y to me. And the thing of it is, is that they all went somewhere in the morning last year, too, before coming back to party from around 2:00 till God knows when. Well, he stood at the house at the time, then she and that nice lady that I said hello to once, took off somewhere, but then came back and it was party time. At this time, though, right before or right after they took off, the grounds were being done.

I’ll bet that the Saturday and Sunday of the 7th and 8th, the only reason why they didn’t party was cuz perhaps all the people weren’t available, but let me guess - they’re gonna come blasting in in a couple of hours, then they’re gonna party till at least 10 PM. Meanwhile, Tom will be here (he’s at his ma’s now) and he won’t want me to shut them up for fear that they’ll do something to the house. Or lodge a complaint against us.

Well, if they don’t party, I better enjoy the peace while I can and until it’s the best time to really set them straight permanently, cuz I know that both God and they are gonna make sure that they make their arrival back here very well known. I wish I could say otherwise and that they just went on a day trip somewhere, but will quietly return later and that the car will take off for 2-3 weeks, as usual, then all will go back to how it has been over the last several months, but I know better. If I let him have his way, he’ll always blast in and out, no matter how often or how little he stays over there.

Tomorrow, Tom and I are gonna go visit his ma, then we might go to a Denny’s or someplace like that. That would be nice, although it’ll be crowded and full of screaming kids, cuz parents today don’t know how to properly discipline their kids. And you don’t need to be violent to do so, either. It’s just that they don’t give a shit and people with kids think they own the world.

Well, I’m a bit nervous now, but I will enjoy the peace while it lasts. I’ll be back later to let you know that yes, they came in very loudly and/or partied, too, as I know that if not both, then one of these things will happen.

Gotta finish up the laundry, do the dishes, and finish proofreading journal 15. Then I’ll have 60 left to do.

I just realized something else, too. If they really do have a big party like last year, there’s not only gonna be about 4 vehicles coming and going and about 8 adults, but there’ll be at least 4 kids and you know what they’re gonna want to do? Yup. Play ball. So today will probably be the day my little lock will be discovered, and all they have to do is untangle it and pull it off, cuz I couldn’t actually lock the damn thing.

Later…

Amazingly, no one’s come in yet next door. Maybe they really have gone on either an all-weekend or an all-day trip, but I’m still really curious to hear how they’re gonna return, even though I’m sure I know what to expect.

Just talked to Andy and he’s having a hard time with his roommate. Like I told him, if he’s got to have a roommate, why must it always be a druggie who’s always broke, cuz they spend all their money on drugs? Can’t it be a clean roommate? Then again, clean people are a lot less common than druggies are.

Marla just told me the biggest piece of bullshit she’s ever told me. And if it’s the truth, then yes, I was very right in my belief that the more you don’t want kids, the more you have them and vice versa. She said she’s had 3 abortions prior to having her two boys and that she gets pregnant very easily. She said she’s gotten pregnant on the pill, with rubbers, and by the rhythm method. That is so unfair! I’d normally say that that’s not scientifically possible, but yes, it is, with the way God, the devil, or whoever is just so obsessed with giving kids to those who want them least. What did God do when he created people? Sit there and decide that those who want kids less shall get them and vice versa? And why? If I were the master of creation, I would want to give kids to those who did want them. That only makes sense, doesn’t it? I wonder, though, how many times would I have gotten pregnant if I didn’t want them? How many abortions would I have had? How many kids would I have living with me? Or taken away? Or put up for adoption? Well, I want a kid, therefore, I can’t have one.

Later…

Tom’s opinion of what Marla said was that she is full of shit, cuz the pill, condoms, and the rhythm method, cuz these methods are virtually fail-proof. Regardless of what she was or wasn’t on, though, the fact still remains that something up there gave her 3 unwanted babies and hasn’t given me one wanted one and that’s really unfair and it really sucks.

Next door still hasn’t been in yet, but I heard some kids (which ones, I don’t know) use the basketball hoop for about 5 minutes, then they were gone. I don’t know if they left due to them not being able to use it or cuz they just felt like it, but sometimes I’ll have to see if I can see if they got the lock out.

I know this isn’t over. God’s not gonna let me off the hook and let me get away with this morning’s outburst no matter how much I beg him to and I’m worried about tomorrow (I think Tom may be getting a kick out of my worrying about them and feel I deserve it). How much will they ruin our anniversary?

FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 1997 I just made a couple of pork chops, so Tom can have them when he gets in if he wants them.

I called Tammy yesterday who told me her latest family medical problems, then something about Lisa’s singing and the first thing I asked myself was - how much of this is cuz she may be jealous of my own ability to sing and to simply impress me? And also - how much of what she and Lisa have been told is true and not just talk? If she and Lisa were really told what I’ll soon get into.

First she told me that Becky was home recovering from her knee surgery. Tom was surprised they put her out just to give her a shot of cortisone in one knee and to drain fluid from the other, but perhaps it’s cuz she’s only 10. Tammy said that they let her put on scrubs and a mask to go into the OR with her cuz she’s an RN. She’s not an RN, as I know how much she likes to exaggerate and impress people, and even Larry pointed out her bragging about being an RN when she’s really just a nurse’s aide.

Becky’s out of school for the year and her class gave her a farewell party.

Then Tammy filled me in with the latest plans to help tackle her thyroid problem.

Then she told me that Lisa sang a few lines at the end of a song with her chorus (which she played for me and was very good), then some woman said she wanted to take her all the way to Broadway. Tammy said all she needs to do is maintain a C average and she can tour and make it to the top for sure. Well, this sounds a little too good to be true, but for Lisa’s sake, if this is what she wants, I hope it’s for real and that it works out. But to go into a school in a small town and offer this to a 14-year-old? I just don’t know. You never know when it comes to stories told by my dear sister. She may not be as much of a liar as she used to be and she may not be into cutting others down in the way that she used to be, but she still likes to imply that others aren’t either very smart or talented and she likes to impress people by hyping things up and twisting the truth around. Still, no matter how well my kid sang if I had one, if someone made that kind of an offer, I’d be wary and would want to make sure I wasn’t dealing with another Scott M. I just hope it’s not all hot air, though, as the business is full of that and false promises galore.

Later…

Got a nice anniversary card from my parents.

Tom and I wrote what we thought our marriage was on a scale of 1-10 on separate pieces of paper, then swapped them. I wrote an 8½ and he wrote a 9. I thought he was gonna write a 7, so I was pleased.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 1997 I’m a bit bummed out right now, I must admit. All I can do is think and cry out for the chance to know and experience what it’s like to carry a child, to have a child and to raise a child. To watch it grow, to watch it learn, etc. But what will happen when he gets home? For the third day in a row, we’ll screw and he won’t get off and God will continue to ignore my prayers.

I keep thinking of that woman Shelly told me she knew. It was so meant to be for this woman, who had a period every 7 years only, to have a child. Why not us? I get all my periods, so why can’t it be meant to be for me to get pregnant? Why can’t it ever, for once and for all, be meant for me to have a normal sex life where my husband cums regularly, and for me to have a pre-thought-of dream come true? Yes, California, which was a pre-thought-of dream came true, as did his cumming, but I want a child way more than I could’ve ever wanted to go to CA, and his cumming doesn’t mean as much if it’s never gonna result in a baby. Yes, his cumming makes me feel a bit more normal and like I’m satisfying him more, but I’d feel a lot more normal if he’d cum regularly and if it’d make a kid.

All I know is that I still don’t see what I did so wrong to deserve this curse that’s been hanging over me, whether it’s a family curse, one that’s pitted just on me, or whatever. People who have done worse than me go on to have kids. So why must I be sentenced to life without just one child? Just one child! When will I ever be allowed to move on? When will old patterns be put to rest? (The fact that there’s always something out of the ordinary as far as sex goes with anyone I’ve had sex with and the fact that there’s always a problem with my getting something I dream of the most and want worse than anything else). Can’t I just have a top long-term dream come true? Can’t I just have a normal sex life?

And also, I’m still not sure whether or not Tom really has gone back to his old ways and has gone back into escalating the teasing, but it looks that way. I mean, yesterday was weird. First he makes me wait on him, and then he was using me as an excuse again.

To start from the beginning, what was probably a stolen car was parked by our house. The cops came to dust it for prints, then to tow it away. Meanwhile, Tom had just got home and he said he wanted to cool off, then go to the bathroom. Then he got out of the bathroom and I thought he was ready for sex, but then with a grin on his face, he said we had to wait a while in case the cops knocked on the door wanting to know if we knew anything about the car. So then I went and played computer games. Then he came in and told me that in case I didn’t know, he thinks that we may have jumped into it too soon yesterday, so he just wanted to unwind and relax a bit more first.

Then, why didn’t he say that to begin with?

Then we finally got into bed and he said he wanted to relax there first, too, and I said OK, give me a signal to let me know when you’re ready to get started. I thought he was ready and it seemed I got him plenty hard enough by hand, but then when he went to go in there, he deflated. At first I wondered if the fan was drying me up (we’ve cranked the cooler down and blasted the fan on us so he can’t use his being too hot as an excuse), but then he said I wasn’t dry. He just hadn’t been fully hard or ready and I had jumped the gun on his signal. Then why didn’t he say so? I asked him this and he said he figured he’d try, anyway. So I said that there was always tomorrow and he asked if I wanted to continue. I reluctantly agreed while I was thinking - you guys are never gonna succeed, nothing’s gonna ever change, you’re feeling teased and played with by this curse and by Tom, so just go swimming or something. However, he did get in there shortly after and I was like - thank you, God! I couldn’t believe the tables turned and he got in there and was pleading in my mind for there to be no catch, but sure enough, there was. There always is. Of course, that catch was his not cumming. He asked if I was OK and I said yes, but then how did he use me as an excuse to stop this time? By saying he felt like my lower gut was tense. Please! That’s when he claimed to have had a mini get-off, but I don’t know. I just don’t know. I want to believe him, but how much of what he said and did was truly sincere and honest and not meant to tease me? Or to get out of the possibility of my conceiving, so he wouldn’t have to deal with me having a miscarriage or having it? And, how much of it wasn’t him at all trying to tease me and control what happens? How much of it was or wasn’t God or this curse?

He may as well have another number two again, where he gets in there and doesn’t cum, cuz if he came today, I really think it’s too late, so that’d turn it into a number 3 where he cums and I get my period and my prayers ignored.

Later…

We’ve had a cooling spell where the temps are only in the low to upper 90s and of course, that brings the kids out to scream where the dogs live. So, I decided that I didn’t want to listen to them scream and that I’d give the pool a break during the cooler spell since I got a slight burn yesterday.

Again a number two, where he got in but didn’t cum. Still, I am in a very good mood. Maybe that’s cuz we just made the first major accomplishment towards trying to get me pregnant if I’m OK and if nothing up there will stop us. We screwed the 3 days that are most likely for me, so that’s got me feeling better, and the fact that Tom wants to screw 3 days earlier next month (a total of 6 days in a row). Besides the kid we want, it’s fun for us both and I don’t miss wanting more sex.

I’m not mad at God, as I thought I’d be, for not helping him to cum and for me to conceive (at least he got in there and I had been worried about that), cuz I realize that it may take time for God and I to establish a relationship. In other words, I guess one can’t go from cussing God out to trying to get closer to him overnight after they’ve come to believe that it was a devil and not God who had a part in the bad things I’ve gone through, the not getting pregnant up till now, etc. So, I think he’s gonna want to test my faith and consistency with my prayers to him before he fully forgives, not forgives, but before he’ll be more likely to listen to my prayers and to do something to help us. I only began praying steadily to him about two weeks ago, so no, I don’t have any hard feelings towards him.

I think next month, will be better. Tom is getting closer to going over the edge and I think that by next month things will be OK with that.

Another thing that’s got me in a good mood is that I agreed to try to quit smoking if he’d agree to keep the sex going, cum as regularly as he can and go to a doctor with me in the new year if we haven’t had any luck by then. I told him why I thought this would help me and help us as a couple, but that I didn’t want him to go along with anything that made him feel either controlled or pressured or whatever. He agreed, though. I’m sure we can still keep up the sex and see a doctor in the New Year, even if I don’t succeed, but this will hopefully increase my chances. Naturally, though, it goes without saying that I hope we won’t need a doctor and that I’m still superstitious and would fear a miscarriage, but we all have to take chances in life and I want to move on and continue to do all that can possibly be done to get the child we want, and I’m sure Tom agrees.

Perhaps the fact that I’m feeling more uppity, hopeful and positive is just a big fat joke and I’m being a bit delusional here for nothing, but I can’t help it and it’s better than crying every other day like I spent way too many years doing.

It’s just that it comes down to these things: I want my husband to be happy, as he is my number one. So much so, that if he came out and said a child would make him unhappy, I’d be sad and sorry he felt that way, but so be it. The other things it comes down to are that I want regular and consistent sex, to please and satisfy my husband, and for us to have a child.

Tom told me I can talk about the things that mean so much to me as much as I want, but I’m working hard and will continue to work hard at talking about it less negatively and I shall close this entry now, without a harsh word to God. And without any suspicious feelings towards my husband.

I forgot to mention yesterday’s dust devil. It was quite wild. A dust devil is where there’s a small stream of wind that gushes through. Almost like a mini-tornado. Once, Tom and I were in the pool and the trees across the street were really whipping, but the trees behind us were perfectly still. Yesterday, however, I was sitting out tanning, the wind was dead calm, then all of a sudden it was incredibly windy for a few minutes, then it went dead calm again.

Why aren’t I sad and thinking to myself - God hates me? He didn’t hear a word of my prayers, and if he did, he doesn’t give a damn, I’ll never have a kid, etc. Well, I’m just not feeling that way and it’s better than that constant depression I had for so long. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll never have a child, and I’ll always have my times where I’ll cry about it and I’ll be sad to have to miss out on a child, and I’ll feel it’s unfair and that something up there doesn’t like me and wants to always control me, but at least I don’t have to live where it’s always making me cry. I know Tom could cum every day and that it still wouldn’t and couldn’t impregnate me and neither could a doctor and I know my prayers will always go unheard. Or at least ungranted, but at least I feel that I’m well on my way to being able to deal with that much better so I can have a happier life.

I also think that some kind of agency should uncover the truth about that prayer thing. I mean, that is really really bad; to tell someone their asthma’s gone and that they will have a kid cuz God answers all their prayers, etc.

And why do all these preachers, or whatever they’re called have to yell? They scream out their messages and speeches. Can’t they speak in a normal voice? After all that shouting, it’s a wonder they even have a voice left.

She was also full of it about sending that literature, but I don’t want it. Cuz if Tom saw it, I’d feel I had to explain how I got it and it’s probably all bullshit. I also saw this woman claiming that those who are defeated in life choose to be. I’m sorry, but I did not ask to be defeated by my parents, the system, the NHA, or people like Scott M. I did not choose for there to be no child in this house at the moment. I mean, come on! If a guy’s walking down the street minding his own business, then gets jumped and beaten, did he choose this? Does a woman choose to be raped?

To back up to what I said some paragraphs ago, well, I think that yes, a doctor could get me pregnant. But do I think that an evil force would leave it alone and let it stay there for 9 months? No.

Still, so what if I’m only kidding myself by being happier? I’ll take as many happy days as I can get after all the days of sadness I went through. I don’t miss always being so emotional and feeling like I ought to just drop dead. There will always be a void in my life. There will always be a missing link in my life. But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be miserable all the time about it like I was miserable about all kinds of things back east all the time.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 1997 I was just thinking about how Marla was talking about this mind-over-matter stuff and how if I told myself I wouldn’t get pregnant, then I wouldn’t. Well, then why can’t those who don’t want kids or the hassles and side effects of birth control, just tell themselves they won’t get pregnant and let it be a case of mind over matter for them? Cuz I still think that something up there has an obsession with mainly giving kids to those who don’t want them.

Later…

I just went for a swim and have been working on getting color when my schedule permits it.

My ear was quite itchy, so first I threw some alcohol in there, then some peroxide and when I did that, it roared with bubbles. Then out came a fairly large chunk of wax and as gross as it was, at least I got it cleaned out so I don’t have to worry about an infection. Now the good ear gives me more trouble than the bad and I’m glad the bad one doesn’t produce much wax.

We screwed again and he says he had a light orgasm, but I doubt it. So, my prayers will still go unanswered. Tom says there’s always tomorrow, but I think tomorrow will be too late.

It’s hard, all this praying and trying to have faith. I mean, my sister never had to get close to God or pray to God for a child and neither did most others that I’ve known or do know. A part of me still feels I shouldn’t have to drop down on my knees and beg for something that’s supposed to be natural and a part of life.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10, 1997 Tom’s feeling great now and I’m feeling much better than I have in the last few days. I was really really tight. It’s not that I was wheezing, but I was tight and so short of breath. I took extra hits and he whacked my back and made me coffee before I fell asleep at around 5 PM. I got up at 1 AM.

Tom didn’t have to take his ma to her appointment, so I think that helped him a lot, too.

I just left Andy a message telling him that Tom’s better and that I hope he is, too.

I did use that large stamp journal that matches the smaller one that my folks got me, for a project after all. I just didn’t want to write in that one with its thin pages and it was all crinkled, too, and the cover was somewhat bent. I tore out almost half its pages and then taped in lyrics and edited manuscripts that I printed out. I still have 2½ journals with over 200 pages in them so I shouldn’t need journals till the fall.

Now that I feel better physically, I’m mentally a bit nervous. I’m now in the miscarriage zone till around the 12th and of course, I know what I’m in for, as much as I wish I could believe that things would change and that I would see a change, too. Tom says to try not to get either hopeful or negative about it and just to have a neutral attitude. I’d like to, but that’s easier said than done when you’re talking about something that means so much to you. I mean, I can’t think positive cuz I know I’ll end up losing and falling flat on my ass. Yet I’m trying to get out of thinking negative, which is also really hard when you’re so sure you’ll never succeed. And trying to remain neutral is hard, cuz it’s an important issue to me.

Still, I could bet all my journals and CDs on 1 of the following 3 things happening - he won’t get in there, he will get in there, but won’t cum, or he will get in there, will cum, and I’ll still get my period and my prayers for a child will still go unanswered by God.

I always enjoy and look forward to our sex and time together (well, almost always), but when you know what’s gonna happen and what you’re in for, it does take a lot of the excitement out of it.

Later…

It’s 5:30 and still no dogs. It’s early yet. Give it time. They’ll bark plenty from any second now, till around mid-morning.

I have been praying several times a day since speaking to that woman, but let’s see how well I know my fate. It’s gonna be number two. That’s which one I’m in for. He’ll get in there, but he won’t cum. In my book, until and if I see differently, he has gone back to not cumming. He’s just too worried about what a miscarriage would do to my sanity and he just doesn’t really want this much as I do. He tried, though, and that much I never thought he’d do in the first place. I’m scared shitless of a miscarriage, but unlike him, I don’t want to let my doubts, fears and worries stop me. Well, something up there has stopped me and until and if I can find a way to get it out of my life and take back my life, my body, etc., I certainly won’t be having any miscarriages. If I did have to choose between always missing it, though, and losing it after getting as far as 2-3 months, then yes, I can understand how he feels and I’d want to always miss it. To get that far to lose it, really would drive me insane.

Later…

Yes, I do know my fate well. I was correct with number two. He got in but didn’t cum. We both enjoyed it, though, and he was close. Tuesdays are when he’s the most beat, but when we screw again tomorrow, I feel there’s a slight chance he’ll cum. Well, if he does, I won’t have a miscarriage. Just a period.

Just when I said to myself, I don’t believe it. We got up till 9 AM and they haven’t barked, I heard them. But I’m certainly not curious to know if they bark the usual amount, or what, if any, effect the note may have had on the situation, so I turned the fan on.

There’s a chance they may not have found the note yet. They do daycare and have plenty of their own kids, so there are bound to be little toys like that left scattered across the yard. They may or may not have noticed it and if they did notice it, they may just leave it there and assume that the child that it belongs to, will pick it up themselves.

I know that this note, once it’s discovered, may escalate the barking, cuz people are such opposite-doers, but I couldn’t resist. It was worth it.

So, I did write about the incident on Oswego St. where Mattie accused me of fucking with Hank and then I chased her into her apartment while screaming at her and kicking her door. When she called the cops on me, I turned off the lights in my apartment and avoided opening my door when the cops knocked. I wrote about it while on Elm St. in S Deerfield. It was then in 1991, that I realized what a vague and shitty writer I was and still was, but was just beginning to improve, slowly but surely, so I filled in lost details.

I’m currently proofreading journal 14 and I’ve got 60-something of them left. It seems this will never end!

MONDAY, JUNE 9, 1997 Well, I’ve been here half a decade. It was at this time 5 years ago that Shadow, the cat I used to have, woke me after just 2-3 hours of sleep. Then, Bill left for work, and at around 8:30 that morning, Dad and I took off to see Sheila in Greenfield, then to Boo and Max’s in Longmeadow, then to the airport.

There are no mice currently residing in our garage. I set up the trap in there periodically to see if I can catch any, but I’m pretty sure I’ll catch another one eventually. Yes, Fuzzy has to have definitely gotten out of the house, cuz we’d have seen him by now if he were still here. Either that or smelled him if he had died in here somewhere. I’m sure that during my parents’ visit, is when he made his escape.

The weekend went off without a hitch. The object of my hatred didn’t party hearty, so if today is a special occasion for someone, it isn’t for her. Maybe it was his birthday.

I slept fine from 2 PM till 10 PM and no stereos woke me up. So, if there were any stereos, and I’m sure there were, and if there was any company over there, God had the kindness to keep them from being loud enough to wake me up.

A certain delivery has been made a few hours ago. To my surprise, the dogs didn’t go off when I threw the pen/tube over and I just realized something. Maybe the letters I sent got them to at least shut them up at night, since I don’t hear them on and off throughout the summer nights like I always used to. Well, now we’ll start working on the daytime barking and again, that is better in the summer. But come fall, they won’t shut up from about 7 AM - 7 PM. A half-hour won’t go by without a barking fit. I wish these dogs were like the dog that’s next to us and across the street with that old guy. That one hardly ever barks much at all.

So Marla thinks I can brainwash myself, huh? I had mentioned that that thought had crossed my mind, but I don’t think so. She says hence the saying, mind over matter. And that if I tell myself I won’t get pregnant, then I won’t. But if I tell myself I will get pregnant, even if I don’t believe it now, I will come to believe it in time and will get pregnant, too. My folks and others may have brainwashed me and got me to believe things I didn’t believe through repetition, but I was just a child then. I am not a child now, but a 31-year-old adult, who is not easily persuaded by suggestions. A part of me wants to try to take Marla’s advice, but cuz I’m so damn skeptical of my belief in my ability to brainwash myself and cuz I’m so damn sure that a child’s not in our cards, I haven’t been able to take her advice.

However, I have been praying steadily every day since speaking to that prayer counselor. I think she should be called a quack, but nonetheless, my reasons for doing this are so that I, or anyone else, can’t tell me I didn’t at least try to establish a “relationship” with God and that I didn’t try to obtain faith and belief in him. Don’t get me wrong, though, I do believe in his existence and I do hold the faith that God can do anything. Yes, he could make sure I got pregnant. The question is, will he ever use his power to do the things he can do? Not just with me, by letting me have a child, but with others that are in need of help or change in their lives, like with Larry and Tammy. He can, but will he?

So, what I’m saying is that if I continue to pray for a child, month after month, year after year, only to end up not being blessed with one, then that’d prove that I’m right about either God not caring, but more likely, a case of a devil that I can’t get rid of and that God, for some reason, just won’t override. I still believe the devil’s touch is stronger for some, as God’s touch is stronger for some, but I hope I end up wrong and that things do change, even if I can’t see or believe that now.

Later…

I just played a little bit of that tiles game I love so much. Tom has trouble winning and he asked if I had a strategy and I showed him how I played, but like he’s better than me at some games, this is one I’m really good at.

Tom’s cold has been an easy one to deal with and he was able to go to work at 8:00 last night. He should be home in an hour or so. He thinks what he had was the flu and that was compliments of Andy. Andy got sick the day after he was here and he obviously gave it to Tom. The germ even stayed in here, even with the EC exchanging the air. Thank God it didn’t get me. Isn’t that amazing? And I’m the one who used to be sick all the time back east and who still has asthma and who still smokes.

Tom says we’ll be able to have a “wonderful” sex week. My heart says, Oh how I wish! And that it could result in a kid, too. But my head knows that the devil, as well as any subconscious or conscious fears, doubts or hesitations Tom may possibly have, are just waiting to jump out at me and hinder us from good sex and most definitely from a child. Which is it gonna be - his not getting in there? Or his getting in there and not cumming? Or his getting in there, cumming, and us missing it by a day or so? My guess is that he’s backing off due to what I said - a possible miscarriage to have to deal with/the things that would go with a full pregnancy and a kid. So, he’ll probably not be in the mood, although he’ll say otherwise and instead of saying he’s not in the mood, he’ll just be too soft to go in there. Or he’ll make sure we’re deliberately not angled right so he can’t get in there. Or if he does let himself inside, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he didn’t cum.

Well, whichever it is…being too soft, the off-angle, the screwing with no cumming, I’ll just have to deal with it and accept it, cuz if I question it or suggest anything that’ll help, he’ll just bitch that I’m trying to control him, when in fact, he should bitch the truth which would be, “Hey! Get off my case, cuz if I’d wanted to get in there or to cum, I would’ve done so, but this is how I wanted it.”

Later…

Tom got in at 4:30 and is feeling OK, but is tired. He crashed shortly before 6 AM, but at 8:15, if I haven’t heard from his mom, who has an appointment, I’m to call her to see if she needs a ride. That’ll hopefully not set Tom back, having to get up so soon after going to bed, after being sick and tired, just to drive her to an appointment. Again, what would his mother do if we had a child? And how would we both cope with it? We’d both be as sick and as tired as I was in the NHA.

Anyway, as we all know, everything has its pros and cons and the pro to his not cumming, means that I don’t have to be all bummed at how something up there is making sure we miss it without a doubt (although then I’d have to fear a miscarriage if we did hit it, but hey, it is time to move on and if that’s what I had to move on to - fine) and how God just wouldn’t use his power to make sure we didn’t miss it. See, this is what I mean when I say I do have faith in God and his power. I know he could make sure that we both physically worked as we’re supposed to, then make sure one of his sperm met one of my eggs, whether or not he came, and then make sure it stood there for 9 months. But will he ever? Well, I’m not about to let myself get my hopes up, cuz every time I do, I fall. And the further I get my hopes up, the further I have to fall and the more it hurts.

I wonder if the assholes with the dogs have found their little message yet? Now all I have to do is hope that they don’t come here when Tom’s up, ring the doorbell, then ask him, “Do you know who might’ve left this (as they show it to him) in our yard?”

Of course, I haven’t told him about it, cuz then he’ll be more paranoid than I can get and will be running around thinking that the world’s gonna end cuz of this. Remember, a neighbor and their dogs are saints in his eyes and they can do no wrong, and anything they do is acceptable. He says that it’s best not to complain about anyone in case they did it back or vandalized the house. I see what he means, he has a point, but sometimes you just gotta speak out and put a foot down. As long as I can’t have the dogs shot, and as long as I know that talking to them would produce no results, I’m gonna do whatever else I can to put an end to this shit.

SATURDAY, JUNE 7, 1997 I’m now doing something I used to do all the time and that I haven’t done for a while - writing while sprawled out in bed.

I’d have loved these wire-bound books when I used to do this a lot. And when I was typing up journals.

I hope to get through a peaceful weekend since we’re just one day away from the one-year marker of next door’s longest and wildest party. I haven’t seen any cars there since Tuesday and hopefully, it’ll remain carless over the weekend.

Tom says he’s feeling better by the minute. I hope so, for his sake. He’s been coughing a lot and this is helping him get better. He hasn’t been a jerk, either, and he thanked me for giving him space and for being as helpful as I could be.

We went out earlier at 2:00 and got some cash at an ATM. Then we got some munchies at Circle K.

I called my mom yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. Dad was at the store when I called. They’re doing fine, but that business deal didn’t go through. As most people are, the guy was all talk, but hopefully, they’ll still get other 60’ poles and huge flags to sell.

I’m having mixed emotions about Larry at this time. He has every right to feel as he does about losing his son, but as mom and I discussed, he has another child. Some people will never even have that much. So it really hurts to see him ignore this other child of his, while some of us are denied the dream and the right to have just one child in the first place. Instead of dealing with his emotions over this sad, unfair and tragic loss, he buries himself in his work and shuts Sandy and Jen out as if Larry was number one and Sandy and Jen were number two. And still are.

Later…

I’m in the middle of doing laundry now.

Anyway, at Circle K, one of the things I got was a cute pen with a tube of gum pieces as the body of the pen. Yeah, well, I know exactly what I’m gonna do with this when I’m done with the gum. The tube is clear and since I know a chat with the dog owners won’t do no good, perhaps it’s time for a little harassment campaign. I’ll type up: SHUT THESE DOGS UP OR PAY THE CONSEQUENCES. Then I’ll cut it to fit into the tube with the words visible. Then in the middle of the night, I’ll hurl it over their wall and into their backyard.

I finished that Dean Koontz book and now I’m reading the last book Ma lent me. It’s OK so far, but it’s time to hit the library again.

Later…

Tom’s taking a nap now, then he says he’ll watch some horse racing, then possibly do the grocery shopping if he feels up to it. I told him I felt bad I couldn’t drive the car and do the shopping myself, but he assured me the fresh air and sunshine would do him good.

FRIDAY, JUNE 6, 1997 Oh great! Just great. Tom’s got a cold. Perfect timing, too. Now is someone gonna tell me that nothing up there made him sick to punish me for calling that prayer counselor and for praying, too, and for wanting a normal, mutual, full-time sex life and a child? Forget about us missing it by a day or two. He’s not gonna cum at all for sure. We’re definitely back to the good old days when he gets hard and I get off.

Also, now he has to feel miserable on account of me and I have to deal with the moodiness that goes with his colds. He’s a little jerk when he’s sick, like most of us are. Let me guess - if I prayed now for him to be better real fast and for us to have a kid, we’d not only not get the kid, as we always don’t, but he’d be sick for a week or two for sure, and he’d punish me further by having something else go wrong with one of us or both of us, right?

I know in my heart, my gut, my logic, and every core of my body, that we’ll never have a child, but can’t life go on for the better, anyway? Does this mean we still can’t have a normal and full-time sex life? Does this mean we still have to be set back in life? That I always have to feel sad over never having a kid? Can we ever move up in life to a better home, more money, and other things? Or must we always remain as we are all cuz I wanted this kid I can’t have?

Whether it’s God or the devil, there’s no fighting this thing. There’s no getting it off my back and out of my life. My body belongs to it and so much more. And it will always be this way. It does not want us to have a normal full-time sex life. It does not want us to have a child. It will always win. It will always have control over us.

Of course, I still have other theories. What if there is no God? What if the good in life comes from just dumb luck or people themselves? What if there’s only a devil? A devil whose reigns are stronger on some people than others? What if God is only an imaginary thing that people have made up to use as a coping mechanism or a way to find hope, faith, and happiness?

Another thing about Tom is, well, he says he’s not the payback kind of guy, but again, I wonder. I had bitched at him for continuing to neglect to fix the leaky kitchen faucet, which he claimed to have no problem with. He showed me I wasn’t turning it off right and I apologized to him for blaming him when it was me that wasn’t turning it off tight enough. So as I suspected, he’s gone back to letting the bathroom faucet drip. See, when I see so many of the things I suspect end up happening, it makes it harder for me to not believe in my belief that we won’t have a child, his wanting a child too, and his feeling I’d be a suitable mother.

Later…

What is it with these sky pigs? If they’re out there trying to pursue someone in some get-away car chase, then they’re obviously doing a horrible job of it and need to go back into training, cuz they’ve been roaring around in the sky for eons now.

There are a couple of things I didn’t mention that are probably just a coincidence, but I did wake up unusually clear-lunged. Also, she said that God knows all the things that bother me and that I wish for and we all know that one of them is that I wish those dogs would shut up. They did seem quieter today, but I had heard them for a few minutes at midnight, so I don’t know if this means anything in particular.

She also told me that the closer you are to God and the more you have faith, the more your prayers will be answered. Well, Andy definitely has more faith than I do. Could that be why some of his prayers get answered? She also said that if you pray for something that isn’t willed by God, you’re not gonna get it. Does God really disapprove of gays then? And is that why Andy’s prayers for Mr. Right haven’t been answered? And again, if he’s not too thrilled with gays, then why do they exist? Are they the devil’s doing or what?

Lastly, if God wants and encourages and promotes reproduction, then wouldn’t he all the more want to help make sure that we have sex at the right time and that whether or not he cums, an egg and a sperm hook up? If he’s really so pro-life, then why wouldn’t he want to help us? He’d be doing for him as well as for us and it wouldn’t be one-sided. He wouldn’t be just giving, but receiving, too. She also told me something I’ve heard before and that’s that God wants people to feel his love and he wants people to believe in him. Well if this is so, then you’d think once again, that all the more he’d want to bless us with a child, cuz then I would believe in him and then I could feel loved by him.

THURSDAY, JUNE 5, 1997 OK, this is what I’ve been up to and I can’t say that most of it is very good at all.

First, though, we got a nice card and anniversary check from his ma for $25.

Also, Andy was over last night so he could type a little. It was a very short visit, cuz he was very tired, but he managed to slowly but surely type almost a whole page of stuff. Actually, not quite as slowly as I thought he would. He typed some stuff I dictated to him and also stuff he thought of on his own.

Later, we jumped onto AOL to play with some guy’s head from CA, but he was a bore.

He brought over a pair of nice colorful, floral shorts that he no longer wants, but they’re too big for me, so maybe Tom will wear them, though I doubt it.

I gave him and Laura some stuff, too. Some Halloween decorations, a couple of hair accessories, a sweater and some scented soap bars.

Now, what I’m about to write about is kind of embarrassing and I haven’t even told Tom or Andy about it and probably never will. Early Wednesday morning at about 7:30, I made a call and got bullshitted like hell by a major quack, but I kind of asked for it by calling in the first place.

I was flipping through channels as I was winding down and as usual, not much was on except for baby talk. On one show, there was a panel of women who’d had miscarriages and one was saying that she wanted to have 3 or 4, but if she could just have one child, just one child, she’d be so blessed. She said this through teary eyes and boy, did my heart go out to this poor woman. At least she stands a better chance than I do, cuz she could at least get pregnant. Something I can’t even do in the first place. I don’t know, though, cuz she seemed pretty hard-pressed, and almost always, the harder-pressed you are for a kid, then good luck!

Then I flipped channels again and landed on some religious show and someone wrote in saying they had had hepatitis but called and prayed with a prayer counselor and now it’s gone. Also, a woman pregnant with twins was being profiled. According to her, the doctors told her the babies would be stillborn, but through prayer, they came out OK. She was saying that she wasn’t perfect and that you name it, she’s done it. But to know that even after all that, God still loves her, was just a wonderful feeling.

Naturally, my first thoughts were, Why not me? What’s wrong with my dream/prayers to have a child? Doesn’t God love me too, even though I’m not perfect either? Or has the devil got such a hold on me, my life and body that not even God can break through it?

So I called their prayer line number and I swear, if most blacks aren’t into crime, they’re God/religious fanatics. Still, I wanted to speak my mind to a stranger who was an outsider, which helps to do every once in a great while. And I was curious to hear what response I’d get. Some of what the woman said that I spoke to didn’t surprise me, but then there were things she said that I totally did not expect and that seemed very off the wall. I mean big-time bizarre and big-time BS, as much as I wish I could believe some of the things she said and tried to open my mind to these ideas.

My biggest question is how can they do this all the time and on national TV? I can see these “get rich quick” shows that are full of quacks and BS, but this? What if some gullible sucker like Fran calls with a serious illness, then gets told he’s cured when he really isn’t, then he stops his treatment or medication or whatever, and dies?

Anyway, I spoke to this black lady and I told her that I didn’t want to believe that God was bad and that he hated me, and that he’d always deny us a child, but couldn’t help my beliefs after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through. Also, I didn’t know if God was both good and bad, or if he was all good and it was the devil that was doing the bad. She told me there was a devil as well as a God, but God does only good. But if God can do anything and if he’s all-good, why can’t he override the devil? Is it that he can’t beat the devil or simply won’t?

She first asked me if we’d been to a doctor and I told her no, cuz my husband can’t get over the edge too much.

She said that God does love me and that he is going to answer my prayer, cuz I want something that’s willed by God and something he wants people to do - reproduce. Naturally, I was like, well, when is this gonna happen then? She said soon. Probably sooner than I thought.

Then she went on to tell me there is a heaven and a hell and that you either go to one place or the other and what determines that is how much you believe in God and have a relationship with him and live for him. She said it’s not about religion. It’s about faith. Now that’s confusing, cuz if God is so good and so loving, then why would he throw people in hell just for not believing in him?

She said she gets all her prayers answered cuz of how close she is to God and that the reason he hasn’t answered my prayers is cuz I don’t believe in him.

But God’s supposed to love us all equally, I thought. If she’s right about this, then God does play favoritism.

She said that while I should get closer to him so I can have a happier life and have more prayers answered, he will answer her prayer for me and so I will have a child.

She also said that if you’ve done something wrong, all you have to do is repent and pray for forgiveness and you’re automatically forgiven. Oh really? Then why does the bible say that Jews especially, must suffer for the sins of their forefathers? And why do I still feel cursed and like he doesn’t want to hear me or grant us our wish? She said that that’s where the curse comes in. She said she thinks that the reason we’ve been childless up to now is cuz of something physical and a generational curse and not cuz of God, but now that she’s prayed, the curse has been lifted off of us and we’ll have that baby. Yeah right!

Oh, I definitely believe in curses, though, as I told her and I think my family’s been cursed for many generations.

The story gets even crazier. She prayed for my asthma and then said, “Your asthma’s gone.” I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to say this! I mean, come on!

Then she goes on to tell me that if I get confused, I should read the words of God and get a bible cuz that’ll give me answers. But again, how can anyone really know that God exists and that these are his words? I can write a book and say that God spoke through me and that these are his words. Anyone can. For all we really know, there may very well not be a God, a devil, heaven or hell and when we die, we just die.

Deep down, though, I do believe in something good up there, as well as something bad up there, and unlike Tom believes, I think there is a reason for everything, whether it’s fair or not, and we all have a plan, even if some have greater things planned for them than others, and I don’t think death is the end-all. I don’t really believe in reincarnation, or heaven and hell, but I think our spirits always live on and watch over the world.

She said that when I get my child and other things I dream of, it’ll increase my faith in God. Indeed it certainly would if I could have a child to full term, born naturally and in good health, and yes, I wish I could believe in a good God or something up there that really really loved me, was on my side, etc, and I told her that I do have some blessings, things could be much worse, I could even be dead and should be dead, but it’s hard. It’s really hard to believe, to have faith, etc.

All I know is that be it God or a devil, something up there does not want me to have a baby and I’m powerless to fight it.

She said the devil tries to stop her from having a good day too, but that she just prays to God and the devil withdraws. And life goes on happily for her and she gets what she wants. Why can’t it be that simple for me then? Why can’t it be that simple for everyone?

We were on the phone for about an hour and at the very end, she prayed for both the asthma and the child, saying that it wasn’t really her, but the authority God’s given her to have other’s prayers granted due to her utter faith in him.

She told me to put my hand on my chest and then told God to renew my lungs, make them have brand new cells, etc. Well, my lungs are anything but new.

Then she told God to make my female parts as they were intended to work and to let us have a naturally born, healthy child.

I had told her my fear of a miscarriage and she said not to worry about that cuz she prayed against that. Then why did she tell me to pray every day against a miscarriage when I’m supposedly pregnant if she took care of that?

Then she said that I need not worry and not even think about a kid cuz it’s a done deal.

So I’m supposed to suddenly have faith and change my belief system, which would be like trying to get myself to believe that it’d be perfectly OK to go out and shoot 20 people if you have a bad day? I’m supposed to believe that he loves me? That the devil has no reigns on me anymore? That he will give us a child? That my asthma’s gone? I’m sorry, but I just can’t swallow any of this. I wish I could, but I could only do so if I saw some serious change and results - like a naturally born child that was carried to full term. Right now, though, I have no faith or hope. As much as I wish I could say I did and that we’ll get our kid, I just can’t.

The only thing I am gonna do, that may get me in trouble, and that I swore I’d give up on, is try praying on my own for a child more often.

She also said that God has already chosen the egg that’ll be for this child we’re supposed to have and he’s chosen the sperm, too. Now, how can he choose the sperm for this when a guy’s body keeps making new sperm all the time? If he got me pregnant a week from now, then it’d be by a sperm that’s not even in his body yet.

Later…

Gotta get Tom up in 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, another thing that the lady said was that I was predestined to call. That God knew and planned for me to call, even though the evil side would try to stop me so that I could be helped to believe and to get our dream and to feel his love. The whole thing just either doesn’t make sense or seems too far-fetched for me. All but the belief that there are both good and evil forces and plans for us all. That much I can believe in.

It’s so hard for me to believe that our sex life will ever change or progress. There’s just always some problem with it and instead of progressing, we seem to be getting set back with it. No matter how much he is or isn’t reluctant, something is determined to hold us back, keep us from that child, and it is succeeding. The weird and surprising thing about it is that he truly seems bummed out about it, unlike he did up till fairly recently. Why, though? Why now? Is this really how he feels? Or is he just trying to make me feel guilty and/or depressed?

It’s awfully hard to do as this woman told me to do which was, don’t think about it, don’t try to figure it out, don’t analyze it, don’t worry about it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4, 1997 Tom just took a Rolaids before heading to work and I asked if I upset his belly (due to what we just discussed) and he said yes. I don’t know if this is true, or if he just wanted to make me feel guilty so I’d keep my mouth shut in the future, but when am I gonna finally learn to keep my mouth shut?! The man simply doesn’t want a kid, so when I’m sad, suspicious, worried or doubtful, why can’t I just keep it to myself? He can’t fully understand me when I talk to him and he ends up taking it wrong and too personally and we end up arguing. I have a goddamn journal. That’s where I should be writing and letting out all my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, worries, doubts, suspicions, opinions and the things that make me laugh, cry, or angry.

Once again, he swears he’s been perfectly honest with me, I read him all wrong, draw the craziest conclusions, my fears, doubts, worries and beliefs are off the wall, and I’m fertile and will inevitably end up pregnant, but I know he’s shitting me. So far, he hasn’t been right about this stuff and therefore, I can only feel and believe as I do and I cannot help it.

An example of how he takes me all wrong is how he says that the reason he hasn’t cum lately isn’t cuz he fears I’d be a bad mom, but rather that I’ve gone back to being obsessed with controlling him. In truth, I’ve been anxious to help us. And he says that I’m not good at reading people? Anyway, I’m not great in bed, but I know he’s using me as an excuse for his own decision to stop cumming.

When I asked him if he worried about telling me if he thought I’d be a bad mom and would get hurt and mad at him for it, he said mad is mad. And I’ve been hurt and mad before, so whether or not I’m mad a little or a lot at him, he said that wouldn’t stop him from telling me so if this were so.

Well, I just had the longest stretch of happy days before this, so now I’m gonna try to go even longer, stop fighting for what can’t be, and just try to relax. And shut up. My expressing myself doesn’t change things; it hurts things and causes fights.

Later…

Blackie Boy is here now. At least I only knew so by the car door shutting and not by his music. On a Tuesday night, though? It seems his visits are getting more frequent and again, I hope to hell he doesn’t move back in full-time. These last 7 or so months that I haven’t had to worry or deal with their music and parties have just been great. Please, God, don’t compensate me now!

TUESDAY, JUNE 3, 1997 I figured it out for sure! What took me so long to realize this? Yes, Tom’s not cumming for the 2½ years he didn’t was a combination of the positioning, reluctance to have a kid, etc. However, the reason why he cums so little (now that we can do his favorite position) and has stopped cumming altogether, isn’t just cuz he’s hesitant on the kid and doesn’t want it as much. It’s cuz he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother. I know this has got to be it. I’ve thought of this before, but this has got to be it way more than it’s a case of his not really wanting a kid all that much. Of course, he’s not gonna tell his wife how he truly feels, but this is it. This is really it for sure. It’s not so much about his not wanting a kid as much, or him instilling patience in me, or him having to see me go through and him have to deal with a miscarriage, or things that go with being pregnant or having a kid, or him teasing me and making me wait on him. That’s part of it, but the main reason, I now fully believe, is me. It’s about his not believing I’d be a good mother. Well, I don’t know if I can argue with him on that one, but still, he should’ve told me this. Just like he should’ve told me other things pertaining to sex, besides just doing it. There is some good in this sudden, obvious observation, though, and that is that if I’m right (and I don’t see how I couldn’t be right at this point), then it sure is gonna help curb my desire for a child, cuz I don’t want to be having a child with someone who doubts me. For me to doubt myself is one thing, but for my own mate to doubt me is another thing. If he doesn’t think I’d be a good mother, then we shouldn’t be having a kid and God is doing the right thing.

Once again, I wonder if the best thing I can do, even if it’s the only thing I can do, would be to count the blessings I do have, the freedom I do have, avoid sex during mid-cycle to help God help us miss it, even though he doesn’t need the help, and be thankful we’ll never need to deal with birth control and its problems, hassles and side effects.

Still, I really think this is it - he doesn’t have faith in my ability to handle a child, but I’m sure he doesn’t have the heart to tell me, figuring it’d hurt my feelings and even make me bitter and angry at him. But for him to go from cumming about every two weeks to not cumming for nearly two months - there is a reason. If he’s supposed to be so horny as much as he says, and if I’m supposed to be that good in bed - there is a reason. And that reason isn’t just him being hesitant about a kid - it’s me.

Anyway, I called Becky to wish her a happy birthday, then I spoke to Tammy and boy let me tell you - God does not like that family. There really is a very obvious, undeniable family curse. Now, I don’t know how much of this is hype, but Becky’s rheumatoid arthritis is still bad and she needs surgery on her leg or knee on the 11th.

Meanwhile, Tammy’s thyroid disease is turning fatal, so the hypochondriac claims. I guess they’ve tried her on different medications over the last year to no avail. She says her thyroid is so swollen it’s affected her voice and now it’s affecting her esophagus. She’s gained 17 pounds and is over 200 pounds.

She’ll live.

I just created yet another cool setup with Gizzy’s tubes and all that, but it’d be nice if I had the mouse to go with it. Yes, working with those Sam tubes was a real disaster and he escaped.

Anyway, I made a simple, yet nice design that’ll be way easier for when we bomb. Now all I have to do is coax him into the little tubes on one side of Mary’s cage, then detach the tubes on the other side and put a cover on it. I can no longer stand those unstable, very hard-to-work-with Sam tubes.

Later…

Yippee yaaaaaaaaah!!!!! Just caught Gizzy. Now that’s a record time between escape and capture!

Anyway, I put the Sam tubes in a ring shape and they’re resting down inside the aquarium, standing upright and leaning against the left side of the cage. Then right next to that, are all but one T and one straight tube, leading all the way up to the left side of Mary’s cage, which sits on a wooden shelf that’s always been there. On the right side of Mary’s cage, is a T with a straight tube attached to it and it’d be perfect to add a hideaway up there when I can.

MONDAY, JUNE 2, 1997 I just left Andy a message to let me know if he can come over to learn to type over the next couple of nights. He wants to try getting a job with the phone co.

There’s something else that’s been nagging at the back of my mind as a suspicion or a guess or a feeling or whatever you want to call it, but now I think I’ve figured it out. Tom’s gone back to not cumming. He hasn’t cum since 4/18, so he’s gotten rather obvious on this. I think the reason why he’s chosen this is cuz of my mental state when we come so close, just to end up missing it. Like I always said, I don’t think he wants the kid as bad as I do and I think it’s worth it to him to sacrifice cumming to make my mental state easier for him to deal with, rather than for him to cum either the same amount or more often and put forth more effort on the kid. Which would really be the miscarriage, of course. Well, it’s OK. I’m not gung-ho on working for a miscarriage and he knows how I feel about that and I think deep down he’d rather avoid that, too.

Later…

We just went for a swim and it was amazingly peaceful out. At this time of year, the damn dogs go off before and after the hottest parts of the day. When it’s really hot, they’re no doubt too busy panting in the heat to bark, all the while wondering why their owners don’t give a shit about them.

SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 1997 The cactuses we planted are really starting to grow now. I’m amazed at how many are coming up. They don’t look like cactuses, though. They look like little bean sprouts that people often top their salads with. We’re gonna play it by ear as far as when to plant them outside since some have more of a head start than others.

Later…

Next door left before I woke up and hasn’t returned.

Also, Andy met with that guy Stan and said he was a fat Indian and neither of them had any attraction towards each other.

Later…

I just went and checked my email and Marla just made my night, even though she shouldn’t have, cuz I know I’m not gonna have a child. She said, “I just know. I feel it.”

Well, I wish she could end up right, along with Tom and Andy, but nope. My fate’s sealed as far as that goes, otherwise it would’ve happened by now. I just can’t think of any real reason why it just “hasn’t been the right time yet.” If it hasn’t been the right time by now, then there is no right time.

[areallybadwriter]

9/24

found the will to provide an update. got inspired whilst reading through my past posts and decided it would do me some good. and jesus christ, the last couple of posts have a lot of run-ons. i need some more practice obviously.

the city is doing me quite well at the moment. i had a brief stint of absolute disdain for my everyday life when i was unemployed and still adjusting to one of the biggest life changes a human being can experience. there was this period of feeling terrible about my self (physicality-wise) which im presuming is because its a new territory full of new people - a lot more people at that. a lot more people that i shouldn't value their passerby opinions but i do anyways. im getting over it now and am starting to like myself again but boy did i slip for a minute. ive been exploring new places, whether it be food or entertainment, which has provided me a sense of understanding of this place i live in. my friend and i were actually discussing how the city still felt a little weird to reside in, still enough foreignness to give off warning signs at times. we decided we hadn't sat at enough coffeeshops by ourselves yet, or we hadn't gotten enough groceries. i try to remember what moving from my hometown to my college town felt like but i don't recall the same amount of difficulty to adjust. i think in time i will feel better about it, maybe when the weather or just the general business of this place has chewed me up and spit me out a bit. i do hope that the winter is kind.

i had this past weekend off of work so i decided to take the train to this cute lakeside town where my very best friend (who ive known since i was 15) who now lives thousands of miles away was visiting her family's cottage. the train was gorgeous and ive never felt such excitement at the chance of listening to my music, sketching a little, and sitting in my own two seater on a train taking me to the beach. i thought of it as something so valuable i think i would only take someone who i truly love on there. to show them. they kicked us off halfway through to exit the train and board a bus to resume the rest of the trip because there was construction on the tracks. that part wasn't as fun, but i quickly arrived at my destination and had a wonderful less-than-24-hours with my best friend. the cottage her family owns has been in the family for many, many years and they've kept it pretty much the same. its an untouched but well-lived part of history and i basically foam at the mouth with adoration every time im there. its all lace and florals and carved wooden floors. we had a bonfire on the beach the night i arrived and all shared barbecue chicken pizza from this place down the road. her and i split a bottle of chianti and got a little tipsy, while her family talked and laughed amongst themselves. being away from home and familiarity for awhile, it felt really good to stretch out on the beach with all of them. it really filled the void of loneliness and missing my family. we took the train back into the city the next day after we drank coffee and ate breakfast casserole on the beach as the sailboats went by. it was a gorgeous little break and im glad i got to see her at the beginning and end of her trip. we plan on me visiting her next or both of us meeting somewhere in the middle.

one of my other best friends from high school (who is in the same friend group as the girl mentioned above) had a psychotic episode this past week and is most likely in an inpatient mental facility currently. she was my roommate up until i moved to the city and she is still living in our college town, now with her little sister and another bestie from that friend group. while we lived together throughout the years, she definitely had episodes and mentally ill tendencies (honestly, we all did) and it had gotten worse in the recent years. she had finally found some good therapy and some good meds that seemed to be doing wonders for her but i believe she went off of them, thus entering another episode. she was texting complete nonsense to a few of us in an aged group chat and from what i heard, didn't recognize her own sister and ended up calling the cops on herself. i hate being far away and not being able to help more and not being more informed on the situation. i just hope that she gets the inpatient help that she's needed for quite a long time and can get to the bottom of some of these issues. i think its interesting how many of us in the friend group have had psychotic episodes. i don't think i have personally experienced an episode exactly like that but there's something to be said about people forming friend groups around shared feelings and similar mental states.

wyoming is coming to visit me in a couple weeks. we are going to a late-night concert and then hopefully hanging out for awhile the next day. he has not been to my place in the city yet, which i think he will enjoy. the last time we were in the city together it ushered in a new era of how we interacted with each other (in a very positive light imo) so i hope this trip will provide us the same. there's something to be said about neither of us knowing many places or people up here. it lacks years of memories like our hometown so we are rid of burdens and guilt we may have experienced otherwise. maybe our purest forms. ive had a couple revelations about him recently as i haven't seen him in person in awhile and can think more clearly without constant thoughts of how our last time seeing each other was or something. the latest one was that i think i like him a lot more than he likes me. it absolutely stewed the last few days and it was hard to even talk to him over the phone because i kept reminding myself of the heartbreak. we had a conversation weeks ago about being able to love things or people and how both of us were scared that we had never actually done that. talked about how maybe every relationship up until this point had felt faked at times. we both related on these things, but he never clarified whether these feelings applied to our relationship as well. for me, unsurprisingly, it has been the most genuine connection ive ever had and there's never been a need or feeling to fake anything. and i know for a fact i love him. can just tell, and honestly ive felt it from sixteen and on. its something that freaked me out years ago but so much time has wilted the panic of it all. what scares me now is the investment of care ive put into it all, and with that comes certain moments of absolute uncertainty on whether he feels the same at all (especially if we've recently had a conversation about being able to love other people or he's in one of his distant periods). i think seeing him in person and spending that amount of alone time with him will mend some things and hopefully give me insight on how to proceed with the relationship. although at the end of the day, i know he will always be around somehow.

saved this is drafts and forgot what i was going to say next so to post it goes.

xoxo anonymous

[jade-parcels]

The genshin men: fatherhood edition

With: Childe, Zhongli, Kaeya, Diluc, Xiao, Venti, Albedo and Baizhu

—————————

Childe:

Ajax loves kids and he’ll make that known early on in your relationship

Like...This man wants five or more kids but he’ll settle for four. He dreams of a big family, getting to surround himself with you and your kids every night for family dinners, everyone getting together for big birthday parties or reunions! That’s his dream life! Plus, in Snezhnaya, most families have more than two kids anyways

He will cry so hard when his babies are placed in his arms for the first time, I mean he’s a mess. Nose is running, eyes puffy, lost of sniffling lmao he is so excited to be a dad!! Don’t you dare tell the other Harbingers how much he cried...What do you mean you took a picture when he wasn’t looking??? Hey??!?!

With his obscene amount of mora, he’ll buy a huge house that will accommodate everyone. Anything you want will be purchased that day or within 48 hours, the same goes for the kids

But they’ll all learn to be thankful for what they have. They’ll learn to fight, fish and speak multiple languages. He has high expectations but let’s face it, he’ll be proud of them no matter what

You’re gonna have to be the one to put your foot down though because Ajax doesn’t enjoy being the ‘mean parent’, he has trouble saying no to the kiddos which can create some tension between you and your husband. He has good intentions of course!! He doesn’t wanna say no to those cute, freckled faces!!

Zhongli:

Zhongli is nervous about having kids because he’s immortal. So this will go one of two ways. 1. You have the baby and the baby ends up not being immortal (or you adopt a baby who is not immortal) Then he loses you both. OR 2. You have the baby and it inherits his immortality and becomes an adeptus. Now he and the baby will have to watch you die while they both life forever.

Either way...It hurts him to think about because he loves you!! He wants to have a family with you!! He wants to give you that perfect family life every human desires!! But he’s torn

You two will just have to figure it out.

Zhongli will be a strong, male figure for your kid(s) and he will instill that traditional kindness and respect into their behavior. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ always, always offer to help someone who needs it, do good deeds and you will feel accomplished, be the best you you can be, alway try your hardest because that’s all that matters

He will be sure that your kid(s) always feel loved ALWAYS. Zhongli will tell them stories, cook for them, take them to school, anything that needs to be done. When you’ve had a rough day, he’ll step in to take over for the night without being asked. He shows interest in everything your kid(s) like and he will do his damn best to display every piece of artwork they make or every pretty rock they find

He...will make a great dad :’)

Kaeya:

Ooooh brother, at first Kaeya says no he doesn’t want kids but...Then he starts thinking about it

He observes the happy families that walk around the cobblestone streets of Mondstadt, how the kiddos smile and laugh with their parents. He’ll patrol in the afternoons, usually rounding the corner just in time to see the city’s kids leave school for the day, watching as they all run down the street to go home to their parents or play in the fountain together...Yeah, that really warms his heart

He’d want one or two kids, preferably two to avoid an only child being lonely. He isn’t on the best terms with Diluc but he can admit that they had a great childhood together, playing at the winery and running around as brothers do

Kaeya would be a very patient, understanding father. He doesn’t have much of a temper so he’d use the kids’ mistakes as learning opportunities instead of getting upset at them

He would be obsessed with the kids when they’re babies though oh man if you thought you had baby fever, he has it times ten! He loves holding the baby, watching with a twinkling eye as his baby grasps his thumb with its tiny hand... adorable

And if your kids inherited his eyes, his star shaped pupils that his ancestors passed down to him...He’s gonna get emotional

Everyone at the knights’ headquarters and the Angel’s Share will get sick of him REALLY fast cause he won’t stop bragging about how cute and smart his kids are lmao

Diluc:

Diluc would be such a soft dad don’t even get me started

He loves you so much of course he wants to have kids with you! Is that even a question?? He won’t be the one to bring it up unless he gets the feeling that you want kids but once you ask, he’ll agree so fast

He’ll be grateful to even have one kid with you :’) and he’ll be fine with however many kids YOU want. You want one kid? Perfect! You want four? No problem, the manor is big enough for ten! You...you want ten...? Time to hire some more maids then lmao

Diluc is a worry wart though, he’ll be afraid to hold the baby, feed it, bathe it, he’s terrified of hurting the baby or the baby suddenly hating him. So just help him out!! Cause when he gets comfortable with the baby, he’ll be in full dad mode

He isn’t embarrassed to walk around the manor, conducting business with a baby strapped to his chest!

Diluc is a very kind, gentle dad who will always offer helpful solutions to the kiddos’ problems. He’ll make sure all of their needs are met while also trying to avoid spoiling them... Too much... There will be a fair amount of spoiling...

His own father wasn’t too affectionate with him so that’s why he’ll be affectionate with his kids! Hugs and kisses when he tucks them in at night, big dad hugs when they get home from school, holding their hands in the busy streets of Mondstadt. His father was a great dad! He just aims to be better.

Xiao:

Like Zhongli, he worries about the mortality thing. Since he’s an Adeptus, his kid will certainly be an Adeptus too if you have kids together.

He also worries that his kid(s) will hate him. His duty is to kill demons which means that rain or shine, holidays, special occasions, day or night he’s gotta be ready to go slaughter demonic beings. So he’ll inevitably miss out on important stages in the kiddos’ lives

And admittedly... He’ll be scared of his kids lmao

They’re screaming, crying, barfing, pooping, laughing, screaming again...He can’t predict their behavior. It’s unsettling. All of that goes away one night when you sit him down and place your sleeping baby in his arms. His eyes go wide...And he just watches. This tiny, little baby...Feels no fear for him. It’s comforted by his presence. He almost cries...ALMOST

He’s still pretty much the same Xiao we all know and love but now he has a kid. “Slaying demons is what I do...Hey, go back inside and finish your dinner. Yes, even your vegetables. I don’t care that you don’t like them-...Fine. Don’t tell your mother, bring them to me. I’ll eat them” cute :)

He’s a protective dad and husband, he’d never let anyone or anything harm his beloved family

Venti:

Venti....does not want kids. He thinks they’re cute! He likes the idea of kids but he knows he wouldn’t enjoy actually having kids

You two already have so much fun together!! You don’t need a kid!! You guys have dogs!! Dogs are like kids! But they’re more independent and they’re cuter!

He’ll feel bad if you want kids and he doesn’t, he really will! But it’ll be nearly impossible to convince him cause he’s made his mind up :/

Venti’ll make it up to you somehow though, he’ll take you out more and show you all of the adventures you guys can have if there aren’t kids around

But for the sake of fatherhood headcanons, let’s pretend he gave in. Venti would be a very caring dad. He would cuddle the hell out of this kiddo and sing to them :’) the only problem is that Venti doesn’t like being tethered to one place for too long so he tends to take off and not come back for a few days... :(

Albedo:

Albedo wants kids mostly just to see what fatherhood would be like. He’s always been curious about what that part of his life would be like so why not have a kid

He’d be good with one kid, two at most cause after practically raising Klee, he knows how some kids can be and...He doesn’t have the mental capacity for more than two kids at a time lmao

He tries his best to show more emotion in his face. We all know he usually sits like this 😐 and goes ‘wow im so happy right now’. If you didn’t know him, you’d think he was bored out of his mind right? So he’s gotta work on that. And when he musters up a smile for the baby and it smiles back at him????? Yeah...He’s gonna try to smile a lot more now

He definitely softens up once he becomes a dad, he shows emotion more than he used to and surprisingly, he takes time off of work. Shocker, I know! He decides that he’s been in the lab long enough and that he wants to be able to be there for these moments with you and his kid(s) :’) :’) He trusts Sucrose and Timaeus to take over for him for a couple hours

He keeps a journal for each kid and writes down the date and time they have their firsts or just interesting things they do ->

- 8/4: Baby sees and plays with a cat for the first time

- 9/5: Baby smacked me in the face and laughed so hard she threw up

-9/12: Baby learns that pulling my hair gets my attention. She now continues to do so

-10/15: Baby stays at Aunt Klee’s house for the first time

Baizhu:

Baizhu really loves kids, he works with them a lot and he considers Qiqi to be his daughter anyway but in terms of you guys having a kid together, with his condition he can probably only handle one kid running around

He will do his absolute best to be a good dad. Even if he feels like death, he’ll help change diapers, feed the baby, care for it when you need a break. He isn’t contagious so when you’re sleeping and he feels gross, he’ll sit back against the pillows with the baby on his chest, the three of you resting together (though he doesn’t fall asleep...that would be dangerous for the baby)

Baizhu already tends to nag at you about your health and lifestyle choices but now?? He’ll be a menace. He’ll be constantly evaluating your baby’s condition, checking to see if a certain food is giving them a rash or making sure their skin isn’t drying out. He’s hyper aware of your baby’s health and will be the one to treat them if they get sick

He’s a busy guy since he runs the pharmacy but he will always do his best to be present for your baby’s big milestones! And when your kid cries cause Baizhu’s medicine tastes like shit, he’ll do his best to not be disappointed in their reaction lmao

When you leave him alone with the baby, he’ll wrap a scarf around himself to tie the baby to his chest while he works and...he looks so cute :) dad baizhu <3 <3 <3 <3

Bonus points for him buying the baby toy medical equipment so he can get your kiddo interested in medicine :)