#anyway she neglected to tell me childe was in it otherwise i would have read it sooner!!!!!!

[lotus-pear]

what is childe doing in bungou gay dogs😟

[dijeh]

This made me laugh out loud when I first read it, it's got great, what do you call it, comedic timing? Anyway. It still makes me laugh but it also makes me a bit sad because it's one of those things Roddy came up with and came to believe super sincerely because there was no one to tell him otherwise. (I can't remember any other major character being this superstitious, but I devoured both books in four days, so I might have missed something...).

And this is just one of those benign things, that only gives -him- mild panic attacks, but there are other notions, like his idea of absolute noble superiority and completely worthless peasants that are just absurd. And you have to wonder, just where did he get that from? His mum made him spend his entire childhood among the servants, right? And I think that's it. She never told him why. His dad obviously never explained anything to him either, so his child brain had to reconcile the fact that he was the crown prince with eating in the kitchens and playing with the servants, treated like some guy and nearly invisibile to his mother. Elena never being affectionate with him also contributed to his lack of self-confidence and the only way he seems to have retained some pride was by considering himself better than the ones he spent time with (or at least the servants, since his cousins were already his "betters" when it came to their sex lives, etc [Rust is the eternal exception up to a point]). I'm not even getting into the Hester part, her "explanation" was worse than I had thought... gods.

But! Hester talking about what an evil child Roddy became (lol) highlighted to me something I had suspected since the earlier parts of the first book ("wtf is a metaphor", "no one taught me protocol"), ie, that he was simply neglected and only received the bare minimum education and copious punishment when he didn't know/listen/obey. I have a feeling he turned "bad" after his father died (again, I may be stating the obvious...) and was just sort of abandoned after a couple of failed tries. And again we have Elena's distancing (found him "trying") and his obvious need for her affection that keeps popping up in both books. Kind of sad that the issue of a father figure was solved, but the mother figure remained a permanent sore spot.

And, well, Hester tried, and it's odd to me that she understood why he was like that, but then just said screw it and became incredibly hostile towards him. I sort of understand why she'd be fed up with his attitude but she never told him why either. Roddy's entire upbringing consists of no one telling him anything and him getting worse and worse as a result, it's just so...

(I actually decided to read the books because I was morbidly curious about Roddy's shit personality and wanted to see just how much I would come to hate him; I'm glad he disappointed me in this regard 😂)

[ketone-bodies]

How I‘d Improve “Disenchanted”

ALT TITLE: What I Disliked About Disenchanted

Ok so forgive me in advance if this comes out incoherent and unorganized but I really need to let this out cuz this is a brainworm that won’t seem to go away. Now I’m not really a professional writer or anything and I’m basing this all on vibes and trying to figure out what kind of story Disenchanted was supposed to tell. So this is more like a mental exercise for me.

If you don’t wanna see any criticism of this movie, then don’t read. Otherwise, thank you for bearing with me.

So to start off, I’ll get this part out of the way: The animation felt inferior to the original. I get that they used a different animation studio for the sequel but heck, even Nancy’s design looked vastly different from what she looked like in the original for some reason. Did they not have the original model sheets? (This could be a nitpick, they probably wanted her design to look more like Idina). Anyway, would have been nice if they brought back James Baxter’s studio who had worked on the original (that’s a personal gripe I suppose).

Next, the thing with the original movie was that there was a perfect balance between the fairy-tale and real life, something I was also hoping for in the sequel, but instead they ramped up the fairy-tale energy, neglecting the real world aspects, and in the end, felt...cringey (and not in a so-bad-it’s-good way). While my thoughts about this part are a little more vague, I suppose it can be summarized with this: They should have been more willing to explore the deeper, more-real parts of the parent-child relationships in the brighter fairy-tale setting instead of externalizing the whole thing as a purely evil-stepmother-and-Cinderelly-in-a-fairy-tale-world conflict.

The thing with the original movie was that our two main characters ended up discovering what they want, seemingly away from the external conflict with the Evil Queen. The latter’s involvement was simply to move the plot along. Of course, her plot point needed to be wrapped up in the end, but she was barely directly influential during the middle portion of the movie except to have her henchman chase the princess around to kill her. This approach did not happen in the sequel. Instead, the external conflict of having to deal with a magical real-world and evil women trying to one-up each other took so much unnecessary focus and it felt like the setup was inappropriate for something as personal as a mother-daughter relationship. Maya Rudolph’s character had no real stakes with what was going on between Morgan and Giselle. Morgan was only used as a bargaining tool at the very end of the movie as if part of a checklist.

Also the thing with Andalasia magic felt a little phoned in. Did we really need the whole “If magic is brought to the real-world, Andalasia will die” schtick? Or was it just the easiest (and not very narratively effective) way of raising the stakes? Either way the magic appearing in the world didn’t need that explanation. It could have just...happened and we would be able to focus more on Morgan, Giselle and their family. Nancy filling in the fairy godmother role did not require her adopted fairy-tale world to be on death’s door. After all you already had the wishing wand there. There was no need for another explanation.

I also wished they hadn’t shoved Patrick D.’s character to sidelines and make him a complete bumbling fool. Robert was the straight-person in the first film, foil to Giselle, why suddenly take that out of his character and then render him a side character in a movie about his family? His involvement with the conflict between Giselle and Morgan would have been more compelling if he was his real-world self. Just look at Turning Red and Encanto where the fathers didn’t have such large roles yet helped the main character immensely.

And as much as I love Amy Adams going back forth as evil or good Giselle, perhaps her transformation didn’t have to be so drawn out? It would serve as a challenge for Morgan to understand and appreciate what her stepmother does when she has to deal with a completely evil version of her for a larger chunk/longer duration of the film. Here the Cinderella aspect could have been utilized more effectively, mixed with the realities of non-fairy-tale life.

Next, the music didn’t seem as good. For me, it wasn’t Alan Menken or Stephen Schwartz’s best work, as if, just like the Andalasia magic, the songs felt phoned in. It didn’t give the same energy as the original’s music did and felt more like obligatory creativity (ex. Disney Channel-level of music) than creatively genuine work.

Finally, take out the talking scroll. Alan Tudyk’s Magic Scroll character was completely unnecessary and made me take this film even less seriously. Why did he need to be there? “It could have been an email” as they say, or in this case, magically written instructions. Like those Magic 8 balls except it’s true. Besides, we already had Pip.

Bonus: It looked like it needed a higher budget and more time. Enchanted was such a well-loved and fantastic film but technically took 10 years to make from its very first conception. I’m not sure why but it felt like Disney skimped here when it came to the production value (incl. animation as said earlier). It would suck if it turns out this sequel had a higher budget than its predecessor though, with consideration of inflation.

Those are at least some of my thoughts. Apologies if I poke some bears or whatever. I really wish I liked this movie but I just saw too many problems with it and too many aspects that didn’t suit my tastes or expectations with it, considering Enchanted is one of my favorite Disney movies and whose songs still continue to give me goosebumps when I hear them.

So yeah, I was quite disappointed in this film :(

[realfactsnlogic]

on apologizing, grovelling and sympathy-fishing

This is a bit of a trauma-dump. But this is my blog and I do what I want with it. And I also want to share my story to the world.

In this post I will talk about my uneasy history and strained relationship with apologies and forgiveness.

Note to self: Share this with the therapist. This is a juicy topic.

CW: I will be talking about abuse I went through as a child (physical, emotional, emotional neglect). Please love and care for yourselves and don’t read if you feel this will bother you.

Then

I was probably 3 or 4 years old. I don’t remember doing this--I don’t have the photographic memory of it burned into my brain, but apparently I hit some kid. My mom took me home, stood me on a chair so that I could reach her height--

And she slapped me. I was in tears, in that ‘child sobbing’ voice, trying to repeat what she tells me.

Something like, “(name), I am sorry.”

Of course, when you’re talking to a child, you need to break the sentence down into pieces. 

So it was more like, “(name) -- I am -- sorry.”

Between those dashes, I would repeat what she said.

The day after that, I literally forgot what she told me.

So when I went back to school, she took me to a rug where the kid was and got me to recite what she told me. I couldn’t remember, so I repeated what was prompted.

I don’t have this memory unless I’m in a certain state. Sometimes I don’t think it’s mine. I still need to accept that regardless of anything, I did it. I did it in this body, so this memory should be considered mine.

There was another incident like this:

In Kindergarten, one end of recess, I followed my friend group back to the building. I did not know that they hid some kid--one that was way older than us, but very sensitive. He might have been of a protected classification, I think. But that’s none of my business. Anyways, my friends had to line up and shake his hand, saying “I’m sorry, Aaron” (was that his name?)--but I, stubborn I, would refuse to. I remained on the couch and shook my head because I did not hit this kid. Still, I walked with these friends and so I pay their consequences.

I actually wrote about this incident in high school. I’ll see if I can dig up the full story to post about it here.

There’s more to this. About how I got M-RTU’d in 2016 because I couldn’t handle too much collective punishment, about how I fucked up real bad with a small fandom in 2018, so on and so forth.

From what I learned in therapy, childhood memories are factors in tendencies in adulthood.

Now

So as I grew up, these memories and other factors made a ‘person’ (more like a dead man walking) who has the reputation of being hard on himself. Yet, he remains to be a hard worker. He’s all about that Sigma Male Grindset, all about that T Guy Swag...but something about him is always missing. Always off. And we wouldn’t know until the bad things happen, and then we start calling him selfish.

All of these are true. Almost. They’re only true if you refuse to hear his side of the story.

“WAH WAH! I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!”(Or: The Part Where I Look Like I’m Self-Victimizing)

I’m almost always the first one who’s apologizing (which is fine, if I know I started it). When people come to me to apologize, what apologies do I get back? Short sentences when I deserve paragraphs. Okay, that’s a little entitled, but I’d rather get an insight on their feelings in the moment and their intentions than...whatever the hell I got.

I don’t do “short and sweet”. I do “long and bitter”. I was taught that to apologize, you have to name your wrongdoings and either offer a way to rectify it (if appropriate, otherwise make a small promise of stopping a habit and how). No asking for anything, not even for forgiveness itself, not even for the deletion of things you made for each other.

The fact that my values don’t align with some people says and said a lot about how I conducted myself around people I once considered a friend until they didn’t want me to anymore.

Then again, they don’t owe me anything. They don’t need to walk me through the whole process of their wrong doing like I did (albeit without their consent. I have a habit of over-explaining.)

People who really don’t like you aren’t worth your time trying to please. I had to learn that the hard way. I also had to learn that I have to accept people’s opinions of me, regardless of the negativity--not to wallow in the negative ones, but to either move on from them (if destructive) or learn from them (if constructive.)

And in this case? It feels like the middle. I know I can’t change those opinions. That’s fine. I don’t need or have to do the work to convince that change. Change is a choice and it’s their choice as to change their opinion of me.

What Craving External Validation Does to MFs (Or: The Part Where I Attempt to Get Introspective)

Let’s not get started on how I have difficulty forgiving myself. Especially when I knew I was at fault for an occasion. Even if other people forgave me, I couldn’t forgive myself.

That’s what craving external validation does to mfs.

Just as how I’d have unusual methods of self-harm, I had an unusual method of sympathy-fishing via self-victimization. Before I go into that, however, I will say I have engaged in classical self-victimization ala “i’m gonna tell everyone i know what happened so i can get their sympathy!” or “i’m gonna put passive-aggro lyrics in my Discord status to show these mfs how i feel!” and whatever else I can’t think of in the moment.

The “going around telling everyone” thing is really done with the intention of getting different opinions, actually. Still, two things can be true at the same time. So I can understand where outsiders come from when they say I look like I’m self-victimizing. And they’re right. It does appear like that regardless of intent. Also, nobody likes a broken record.

This time, however, the way I went about self-victimization/sympathy-fishing was different. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how self-demonization counts. I think I have an idea, where it’s like: “Wah, it’s all my fault! You should pity me now.”

I acted like I was the villain for everything. I acted like everything was my fault, whether I really did anything or not. In my mind, inaction is action. I let my guilt and shame take over whenever I start craving that sympathy fix.

Hell, I wasn’t even thinking that the kind of attention I wanted was sympathy. Then again, how would you know when you’re at an unstable state?

Conclusion

If any readers stumble upon this, and feels it is familiar: maybe it is--for you.

And if you read this and know (almost) exactly what I’m talking about: What are you doing on my page, and I will once again apologize. Perhaps a thousand times.

I can wait 1000 years to be apologized to and much more to be forgiven, no matter how severe the damage. But some people can’t and that’s okay.

Fuck this shit, I’m gonna play a different game now.

[minshookie]

High Ransom.

Pairing |Mafia!BTS x innocent!reader

Genre | smut, angst, dark themed, mafia AU.

Summary | “They all knew your mothers word was good for nothing, she’d never pay it back. So they settled for a painful compromise.”

!warnings! Please read this before reading the fic| 18+ mature language, perverse actions, virginity loss, violent sex, anal sex, oral fem and male receiving, financial struggle, parent death, strict and neglecting mother, cum eating, darcyphilia, urolagnia,slight hate-fuck,reader insert is of age, extremely naive & innocent insert. I do not agree or support any actions depicted in this fictional work,rape. !!NON-CON!! !!non-con!!

| this is not in anyway shape or form a true depiction or representation of BTS, this is a work of fiction and is not to be taken seriously. For entertainment purposes only.|

(this is my work, please don’t repost or steal)

Requested [open for request] words: 4k.

A/N: 200 Follwers?! Hi, I love y’all sm 🤧. But on a serious note, this is the filthiest thing I’ve ever written, I warned y’all. Also the longest one of written yet. I hope it isn’t too much :’) please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.

Could they be running late? Shivering you sat in the windowsill towel wrapped around you keeping a sharp eye for their large dark SUV you loved so dearly. They were supposed to be here today, right? Getting up you stretch your legs going to look at your heavily decorated calendar,‘Friends Day!!’ In bright pink informed you, yes indeed they were to be here today.

A smile crept on your face, the confirmation made you feel giddy, the thought of seeing them again made you excited beyond belief. “Y/n I just know you’re dressed and not dripping all over the carpet!” Your mother teased from the living room. You swore she had cameras on you, unraveling yourself you chose one of the few outfits she had put together for you for guest appearances. Closing the curtains, making them look as casual as you could. You then sat on the bed waiting for her to come inspect, counting her footsteps along the creaking wood floors. She crept into your room, a stern expression on her face, you could tell she was stressed with nothing positive to say she mumbled “Stop pulling that face you look exactly like your father.”

You stood from the drab mattress choosing not to respond, “wet spot on the floor?! What’d I tell you to do?!” You hung your head, why must she always scold you. “You told me to get dressed Momma.” She sighed, “and you chose to come in here and prance around, flood the floors and dilly dally instead!” You studied the minuscule dark spots on the carpet, “they’ll dry momma.” You whispered under your breath hoping she wouldn’t decipher your response.

“Excuse me?” She griped your cheek in a pinch making you pull your head up to face her. She took a step back releasing your face, she sucked her teeth in disapproval. “Y/n you’ll have stay in here, that dress has gotten too short on you.” She knew her words hurt you, seeing the boys was the only thing you looked forward to every month. Their attention sometimes felt like your only reason to go forward, to avoid conflict with your mother, their presence being a type of reward. She turned to go and your vision began to blur, tears warmly cascade your plumped cheek.

Leaving you alone in the room, you resume your position in the windowsill moving the curtains just enough to peak. Still no sign of them, maybe they’d given up on the money, left you for good and you couldn’t blame them. If you could leave you would too. At that moment all hopes were given up, no longer keeping an eye out you began to daydream... at least Momma would be happier no longer having to worry about the escalating debt.

Sulking in loneliness you barely noticed a white SUV pulling into their usual cut....whose this? You opened the curtains repositioning,hands in the glass knees on the jagged wood of the windowsill bench. Couldn’t be, oh but it was! You bounced like a hyperactive child, Hoseok climbed from the drivers seat handsomely waving directly at you. They all followed offering you waves and air kisses making both your stomach and heart do flips. Tumbling from the bench you run to your door eccentric to get your fix of attention, affection, friendship.

“Get back y/n, what did I say?” She was waiting for you to break her command, she knew you’d forget. “To stay in my ro-” “so why don’t you do as told for once?” You fought the bitter tears as they knocked on the door, You shuffled back into your cage of room like a kicked puppy. Shutting the door you sat on the floor compressing your ear along the hard wood.

“Ah, welcome! Come in take a seat can I get you a drink or a meal? Anything really.” She spoke with a quiver, she had nothing to pay them back with absolute zilch. “Where’s y/n?” You smiled warmly, that voice had to be Taehyung. “She’s in bed sick.” “Sick, she looked alright from the window.” Hoseok you idiot. “I’m sorry... you saw her through the window?”

“Ah Ah, we didn’t come to talk about the build of y/n’s room you know what he want.” Jin was all serous business, the room was silent. “Next month for sure.” She lied right through her teeth and they all knew it. “You said that last month, and the month before, and the month before that.” You held your breath, you hated it when they bickered she honestly didn’t have the money you two only lived in this house because it was your father’s property, and everything you got just by luck and the skin of your teeth. She simply couldn’t afford to borrow anymore, as the boys began to add impossible interest.

“Listen, we’ve let you off the hook because of your circumstances,we had a soft spot, we held you at a respect for your strength...but now the well is drying up on patience and your debt is growing into a monstrosity.” Namjoon gave his spiel

“Your husband may be dead, but honey you’re next if this money doesn’t turn up...and the plans they have for y/n aren’t cute, if you had any decency you’d get your ass off that insurance money and pay up, don’t forget you pay for protection and soon you’re going to start getting what you pay for.” Yoongi was rude whenever he came to collect, almost never staying for the excuses once ‘no’ or ‘later’ was uttered he’d head for the door, but today he decided to do otherwise.

The room fell quiet, and though your mother was cold and not much of a mother at all to you it pained you to hear her sobs and sniffing. You could tell the words being thrown at her stung her deeply. Curious to what was going on behind your door you decided to have a peak, and apparently you weren’t too good at sneaking. Your door cracked ajar, as if he knew it would happen you made direct eye contact with Taehyung.

“Boys I-I don’t know what you want from me you know the money isn’t in my possession right n-” “y/n! Come out from hiding kitten!” Opening the door you stood reading the room, your mothers face glistening, you know better than to disobey on purpose. “It’s ok y/n c’mon we want to see you.” Joon’s smile is so captivating his voice so relaxing, but your mothers gaze killed its power. “C’mon tell her she can come out.” Jin orders and your mother complies by giving you a nod of permission, sniffing over her concealed cries. It ached your but you were too excited to comfort her as you quickly escaped your confines.

“Ohh look at your pretty dress, come sit.” Taehyung pulled you onto his lap, “isn’t it pretty boys?” He pulled the fringes that decorated the bottom, barely reaching you mid thigh. “Everything’s beautiful on our y/n.” Jimin agrees, greeting you with a flirtatious wink. Making you smile into Taehyung’s chest. “Bashful girl.” His large hand rubbed your back soothingly.

“This delicate little thing around all those men with no one to help her, tsk could you imagine.” He glided his hand along your exposed thigh “that tickles.” Whispering into him you feel you face warm up. He hums in response, “want me to stop?” “No, I’ve missed you, I’ve missed all of you!” You turned catching all of their gazes, “same to you princess.” Jin chuckled, giving you a cheek kiss.

“Please let her-r go ba-ck now.” Their smiles faded, and you’d hate to admit it but yours as well. You’d usually never go against your mother but she just didn’t want to see you happy, ever. And you hated it. “Momma...I don’t wanna go back right now, can I be with my friends?” Her eyes stretched in shock and anger, the boys found your rebellion comedic letting a chuckle escape. “Y/n get back to your room now you have no clue what you’re playing with!” Her tone made you wince, no longer feeling bold you were about to comply. Taehyung griped your waist holding you back on top of him.

“And who are you to order someone around when you can’t follow orders yourself?” She sat speechless, “Taehyung, Namjoon, Jin...next month.” Her pleads were pathetic, even you knew it wouldn’t work this time. “No. Pay up today, or we’ll be taking some sweet sweet collateral.”At the moment you didn’t fully understand or care what exactly Taehyung was threatening, the only thing your brain could focus on being his rough palm griping and rubbing your inner thigh. The sensation caused a tingle within you, you couldn’t help but fidget in his lap. “Still tickling baby?” You nodded, a bit too flustered to speak.

“I-I I have a hundred or two I can give.” His hand ceased its motions, making you whine for more of the foreign feeling. He lifted a brow in suspect “You take us as a joke don’t you?” She shook her head frantically. “You just offered us not even a fraction of a year's worth of debt...you think we’re idiots, you think we won’t do what we say we will do you?” The tension made you uncomfortable as everyone glared at your mother for her response, you gripped Taehyung’s dark suit. “Hmph, okay Y/n, show us your pretty room Love.”

A simple request made your mother stand in protests, “going to get the rest of the money?” Yoongi asked knowingly, your mother trembled. Why was she so afraid, they only asked to see your room...maybe she was still upset over the wet spots. “No? Well I suggest you sit the fuck down.” Everyone left from their seat, “go on show us Petal.” He smiled in encouragement. You pulled Taehyung by his hand showing all of them into your seemingly empty room, nothing to embellish the space besides your curtains, calendar and bed.

“Very cute, very cute, right boys?” They hummed nodding while looking at the four bland walls around them. “Jungkook won’t you close the door please.” He demands the youngest, and he does as told, letting your catch a two second glance if your sniveling mother before your fate was sealed. “Lock it will you?” “Uhm it doesn’t lock.” You confessed plopping down on your plush mattress kicking your feet over the edge. “Ahh, Jungkook...make it lock.” He went to work and you watched curiously until your attention was taken by Taehyung climbing in bed next to you. “Very comfy.” He complemented.

“Oh, oh please take your shoes off.” You recited rules that were practically engraved in your memory. He laughed complying, “you heard her, shoes off.” They did as told, making your laugh at their unison actions. You turned to him with a smile still on your face, “want to see my closet?” “No, but I do want you to lay down.” You gave him an inquisitive look, you weren’t sick and you definitely weren’t tired. “It’s ok, I just wanted to play a game, a friends game.”

Oh how excited you were! A game with your friends! You laid down beside him your head rested on your pillow. “Ready?” You nodded eagerly, the rest of them watched closely. “Ok beautiful, I’m going to ask you some things and all you have to do is tell me if you’ve done it before...” he looked around at his men, they looked back with anticipation. “We’ll all play.” You nodded, beyond excited for this new experience.

“We’ll start easy, have you ever kissed someone?” Your face grew a dopey grin, “don’t be shy.” You nodded quickly, “oh? Show me how.” Sitting up a bit, you took his jaw, turning him to the side pecking his warmed cheek quickly. He smiled widely, “innocent little thing, here let’s try this.” He took your jaw in his fingers, coming in and ravishing your lips. Unknowingly you lay motionless as he took over the kiss, maneuvering you as he pleased. Pulling your slack chin he parted your lips, his tongue intruded sharing his taste. A tingle ran through you, you’ve never seen something like this let alone feel it. Taehyung pulled back trailing slobber as he lifted, “m-more more kissing!” He shook his head, laughing at your greed. “No no, there’s more to the game.”

Smirking he snuck his hand under your quaint dress, “ever let Somebody like me see your cute little panties?” You shook your head no, “let us see?” You eagerly pulled your dress up, “pretty in pink...wet your panties hmm?” Sheepishly you shut your legs, “sorry.” He rubbed your exposed tummy, “no don’t be sorry kitten, that’s great, so good.” He dragged his fingers along your pelvic area. “Yoongi, your turn?” Taehyung continued to brush your skin.

Yoongi stood from his seat on the floor in speciation. He brought his finger between your legs using his other hand to push your legs apart. “Ever felt something like this?” He ran his fingers up and down your middle, pausing along the top giving you an oddly familiar feeling that you loved. “Mm.” You moved a bit closer to the pleasure. “Yoongi stop, answer him y/n.” Nodding you yearned for yoongi’s fingers. “Don’t lie...show us.”

Rolling over you pulled a pillow from behind you positioning it between your legs as you lay on your side. “Go on.” Yoongi nudged you and you began to rub yourself, pushing the pillow firmer into your core whimpering as the pressure increased, “it feels so good!” “Naughty naughty y/n.” You continued to pleasure yourself, “mm I know, please don’t tell anybody.” Taehyung took the pillow rubbing his finger along the wet spot you left behind. “You ever cum sweetheart?” You squeeze your legs together hoping for pleasureful friction. “What’s that?”

“You’ve been rubbing yourself raw with no release?” He had a glint of pitty in his tone. “ I-I guess.” Yoongi had began his adventurous handy work once again and you couldn’t get enough. He sat beside you, looking into your eyes intently. “How’s it feel?” “Good, please don’t stop!” Taehyung pulled his partners hand away, “don’t give her too much Hyung.”

You pout squirming, itching with pent up sexual frustrations. “You both play like she’s a doll, she’s a woman, you know what she wants even if she doesn’t.” Jin came from his spot leaned against the corner, he came close stalking over your figure, “take these off.” He pulled your panties roughly you could hear the weak fabric give way as he stripped you.

“Careful.” You felt self conscious as they eyed your nude private area, Jin took over where Yoongi was removed, the direct contact could make you scream in joy, “close your eyes.” Jin ordered, and who are you to say no to the pleasure. A strange warmth took over your core making your hips jump uncontrollably “mhhm please.” “Hold her down Hoseok.” Even that simple second of neglect made you upset. Your hips were restrained and Jin continued his work, “sorry.” You opened your eyes to meet Taehyung’s gaze and a smile was plastered on his features, looking down at Jin who  was kissing your privates, so strange but so amazing.

“Oh please!” You couldn’t control your moans, closing your eyes, “too good princess?” “Mm too good.” Jin removed his lips from you “you're a savage Kim.” Jungkook comments eyes glued to your core, as if he couldn’t resist the view. “Some hair shows she is healthy n’ pure , but you wouldn’t know anything about that, you like your women whorish” He comments lewdly wiping his plump lips. They stood in speculation as you pressed your thighs together desperately. “Oh please! Jin please more!” You earned a hand over your mouth. In attempts to shut your pathetic whines. “Please don’t hurt her!” Your mother beat the door with concern. “Does she sound hurt, don’t make us do something we don’t want to, now go away!” Taehyung growled, before leaving the bed, he undid his pants the respect in you made you look away. “Ever see this before?” He climbed over you, too cowardly to peak, you kept looking into his dark irises. “Your private?” He laughed in your face, “my cock?” He sat on your legs trapping you. He pulled your dress over your head, fully undressing you with ease.

Taken over my temptation, Jimin groped your clothed chest “don’t touch her.” His command was final, Taehyung had been taken by the monster of greed and lust. “Go on look y/n.” Your eyes slowly traveled down, he had himself in his clutches stroking squeezing at the tip collecting the strange ooze on the tips of his fingers. Reaching he glossed your lips with his juices, “never wear makeup, this is all you need pretty girl.” The smell was strong and musky, curious you took a taste, sweaty and sweet. “Greedy girl...you know where this belongs?” He tapped you with his erect cock.

“I don’t think so.” He nodded, reaching below himself without hesitation he penetrated you with his index. “Ouch Tae!” His eyes stretched in surprise, “that hurts? Oh what fun you’ll be.” His finger stretched you slightly as he explored, thrusting softly, curly at the knuckle. Pulling his finger back, and a thick stripe of cloudy grool connects the two of you. “Shit, would you look at that.” They came looking as you lay victim Yoongi had pulled himself from his pants stroking himself shamelessly. Hoseok unbuttoned his top, his fist buried in his pants, while Jimin palmed himself giving you a warm smile, while Jungkook sat timid away from the action and Jin’s face set stoney, seemingly uninterested. Namjoon being the false comfort he was, he stood close, his bulge in your face as he stroked your hair.

Out of breath, the best you could muster being, “I’m sorry if it’s gross.” Lustfully he used your nectar to stroke himself sensually making violent eye contact in the act.

“Stop apologizing, this is the best cunt I’ve ever seen.” Using his foreign vulgar vocabulary he moved back, using his hands to get a better view of your most personal area. “Oh honey, you’ve never had anything in this sweet pussy of yours huh?” You shook your head, “no never.” You whisper. “Let’s change that yeah? Will you be a big girl?” You nodded body full of utter curiosity, what was coming for you the last thing you could have fathomed.

“Mm, you’re the sweetest thing on Earth y/n” he gazed into you, looking your shivering body up and down as if you two were completely alone. He lowered himself distracting you with another one sided kiss, this time though you attempted to participate.

Little did you know his hidden agenda, he gripped his girthy member, massaging it along your slickening core in search of your small entrance. “Ah Ah Taehyungie!” You squealed against his lips. He’d barely pushed into you and the pain was prominent “shh shh wouldn’t want to make momma upset.” He paused and looked down at your slightly connecting bodies. “Hmm Let’s play another game.” He reached for the pillow you were pleasuring yourself on, he placed it over your face constricting your air in the process, muffling your pathetic whimpers and mewls.

In one violent action...“TEAHYUNG!” Your throat felt as if it would collapse,He forced himself into your constructing entrance ripping your walls you felt yourself struggle to become accustomed his size. His pace inhuman. You gasped for air,the pillow blocking any gasp you could get. “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe Tae!” He kept his murderous stroke speed pulling the pillow from your face you heaved, sobbing, screaming begging for freedom. “Shut the fuck up!” It could’ve been the tears, or haze of pain, but this wasn’t your friend anymore.

Taehyung’s face as contorted in sick pleasure inconsiderate of your wellbeing he gripped your hips fucking into you aggression never seen before. “T-Tae please we’re friends don’t hurt me!” You cried out for his mercy. “Hold her fucking mouth Min.” He obliged, his hand slick from his own juices. He stood over you griping and jerking his member, keeping his eyes on yours. “Close your damn eyes, your crying is going to make me soft.” That only made you cry more, the treatment you were getting from Taehyung caused an ache you couldn’t help but sob from. “It i-it fucking hurts!” You let the filth spill from your mouth as you groaned with every thrust, your statement muffed by Yoongi’s palm.

“Close. Them. Now.” Stubbornly you kept staring, you won’t obey them, friends aren’t supposed to to hurt you, ever. “Ahh fuck.” Yoongi began to vandalize your face, removing his hand from your mouth pulling your hair to aim for your mouth. “Ah shit shit.” He continued to stroke grumbling heinous names under his breath. “My eyes please help me momma,it hurts momma!” He’d spurted right in your eye and he knew it. “I told you to close them idiotic bitch, you obey us you’ll be alright.” He took your discarded panties wiping your eye.

You didn’t listen to his angered grumblings...She didn’t respond, she left you to suffer, you were being naughty and she could hear and she left you to suffer. The pain in your eye became dull as you became numb to Taehyung’s assault. “She left you, that bitch left you in here to get fucked, and you’re going to take everything we give thanks to mommy dearest...no one is going to rescue you.” Yoongi growled I’m your ear, you turned from him. His seed still rests on your pained features.

Taehyung pushed his thumbs roughly into your abdomen making you cry out. “Your cunt is still so tight, mm fuck stop clenching like that- I’m gonna fucking- oh shit.” He sent his seed deep into you, the sensation was sickening you began to dry heave having nothing in you to throw up. “Throwing up sweetheart?” You ignored his false concern, he gripped your hair. “Think twice before you do, you’ll be cleaning it with that pretty mouth every drop.”

Your face drenched in tears, snot and slobber, and the seed of another, you lay in defeat. He pulled his member for your stinging and burning feeling settled between your legs. “Nice job, you’ve beat her bloody.” Jin grumbled coming near, your entrance oozed a mixture of his cum and blood from your lost innocents. His finger brushed against your puffy injured vulva, “please no no nooo!” You instinctively backed away from the contact.

“My turn princess.” Your eyes closed, you could tell it was Jimin planning his attack. “Please Jimin, you’re still my friend right?” You Sobbed to weakly to even look into his eyes, Jimin had to put an end to it or it wouldn’t end at all. “I treat all my girlfriends this way, hm don’t worry baby it won’t hurt-” you heard him wander closer, “just open up.” You refused, turning your head away from his voice, “Ah y/n don’t be that way.” He slightly scolded pulling you back his way by your jaw, “open your mouth y/n.” You opened your eyes, glaring at him, your right eye blurring and irritated. He rubbed his member along your pursed lips. “No?” He leaned over, his member in his over hand. “Open. The. Fuck! Up.” He slapped your pussy harshly with every word, already sore you cried out, begging for mercy.

He took the opportunity, plunging his cock down your throat, gagging you choked and cried. “Yah stupid Bitch watch your teeth!” He gripped the back of your head, another agonizing ordeal. Your throat was sore from the screaming and now your throat was being rubbed roughly by Jimin’s third leg. “I’m gonna c-cum, and you’re gonna swallow all of it and you’re gonna keep it down.”

You couldn’t protest, you got used just as before you closed your eyes and prayed for it to be over as quick as it started. Hoseok neared you like a predator, “careful she’s sore.” You opened your eyes quickly, he had his pants completely off, his member erect his shirt open his sculpted body on display. You sobbed around jimins member as he took his time fucking himself into you. “I’m not putting my prick I that mess.” He referred to your battered entrance, he placed his clock between your folds, rubbing himself their. Even the subtle pressure gave you discomfort, “hey! Watch those fucking teeth slut!” Jimin beat the back of your head, picking up his pace.

“She sounds so fucking nasty.” Namjoon pulled himself out of his trousers “choking and gagging, fucking whore I wouldn’t fuck you even if your mom offered all the money she owed.” Namjoon insulted, pulling closer, “what an asshole.” Jimin grunted in retaliation. “This is all you’ll get from me.” Namjoon leaned over you, assaulting you relieving himself on your quaking body. “You sick bastard!” They found Namjoon’s action sickly humorous. He moved to your face, you tried to stop breathing in fear of inhaling it. Warmly it dribbled over you. “I bet you fucking enjoyed it.”

Jimin pushed your damp head down on him as he exploded in your mouth, that scene being all he needed to find his high. His seed was salty and less sweet; he tasted repulsive. You gagged as he removed himself, you leaned over the bed in utter pain heaving. “AHT HEY!” Taehyung cupped your mouth, “swallow be a good girl.” He rolled you back, you tried but your body refused, you gagged against his musty palm. Jimin pinched your nose “take it, take it, take it!” Air became scarce, you gulped ingesting his warm seed, the taste blanketed your throat.

They let you breathe, Hoseok found his release on your tummy, scooping it with his agile fingers he force fed you. “Please...n-no...more.” “Shut up, your breath reeks.” Your stomach flipped, you were going to be sick soon. “Roll her over.” Jin instructed, and of course they followed you let them do as they please, not like you could stop them. “Your pussy is beautiful, but I love a nice ass.” He unbuckled his belt, letting his pants fall. Spitting vulgarly, stroking himself. “Bite the pillow.” He pulled you up by your waist. Using his thumb he rimmed you.

Getting positioned he spit on your hole. The room was quiet. “Bite it hard.” He pushed himself mercilessly barely breaking through, “tight little bitch.” Your screeching earsplitting You’d become unconscious soon the pain was excruciating, you knew you were bleeding. “Please! I’ll do anything!Please not this, no more of this!” Finally he bottomed you out, “this is what love feels like, hmph remember that.” Jin growled fucking into you barely able to keep a pace.

Your vision blurred, slurring was your only form of speaking back, covered in piss and cum, tears and snot. Drooling all over yourself like an imbecile, bleeding. They’ve used you out, good for nothing you fell into the void of unconsciousness, sweet relief.

A dull jabbing welcomed you back into the real world, no way was this some sort of  twisted dream the disgusting smell registered back into your senses. The smell was you. “Fucking hell Jungkook finish already.” You’d been sick all over the mattress in your sleep, your mouth stale and stiff.

“I’m so sorry y/n I’m so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!” Blinking you looked over your shoulder, tears streamed his rounded face. “Ugh so sorry.” He gagged looking at your abused figure covered in bodily grime. “P-please turn around so it can be over.” Pitying you he held his head down shamefully thrusting to unwanted orgasm. He too filled you warmly pulling out quickly, scurrying to the corner losing his breakfast. “H-hy-'' he retched again. “Let’s go please, let’s leave.” He begged holding his stomach, Jungkook is still your friend, right? You could see he didn’t want to hurt you...

They put their clothes back on lazily.

“Be a peach and tell your mother we’ll be back next month on the dot, hopefully you won’t have to cover her tab two visits in a row huh sweetheart?”

“I hate you, all of you.”

“Ah, but we love you, and we always will.”

(Not my photo)

(Please interact like•reblog•reply it helps sm!)

@minshookie

[magireco]

Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!! 

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc... 

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka... 

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation. 

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them. 

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

[welcometoclass1ahell]

Fake Redemption Dabi x Fem! Reader

Another depressive read from a depressive writer. Boom ta da Dabi x Reader who clearly needs help. Please No minors, even if this isn’t sexual it’s still meant fo adults.

Word Count: 2088

But TW!: Abuse, drugs, cocaine, abuse and more abuse, depressive triggering shit

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She knew.

It was a terrible idea. She however accepted that idea. It didn't matter if it was the worst idea either. She wanted this.

The cold air whipped into her face as if someone just threw a glass of water filled with reality onto her. Why was she going? Why did she think she deserved it? That last thought caused a strained laugh to spill from her almost blue lips. 

Thankfully nobody would see her laughing at her own self at this time at night, standing next to the bus stop. She wasn’t even waiting for a bus, it was just another distraction for her. Taking her time was only delaying what was coming.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Pulling her phone from her pocket, she looked at the name calling her, her lips curling into a sneer. “Impatient to get this over with huh?” mumbling to herself, she silenced the call and continued on the dark road towards the only place she knew would get her what she wanted. No. What she needed.

Walking there was the part she hated the most. It gave her time to rethink, to go over her thoughts repeatedly until she hated herself more for it. 

Finally getting there felt like a redemption, a false one, but a redemption indeed. Looking at her goal, the rusted iron door to an old worn down factory that screamed ‘Stay away!’ only enticed her closer. Raising her hand she knocked three times slowly and waited as she heard the heavy footsteps on the other side.

The door creaked open to reveal what she had been waiting for, a man who would have caused children to cry and mothers to scream at one glance of his jet black inked face and arms. “You could have answered my call, doll” The man who referred to himself as Dabi drawled out his eyes narrowing down on her.

“Could have, but didn’t,” She responded tiredly yet a tone of anxiety seeped through her voice. Shrugging, Dabi side stepped letting the woman enter before slamming the door shut and locking it to make sure no one would be interrupting tonight. “You got everything?” She asked as she walked over to a small wooden crate, one of the few only items left in this abandoned building. Sitting down she turned her eyes to Dabi who nodded with a smirk and walked over pulling out a baggie with white substance coating the insides.

“I got everything, all yours doll. I also made sure no one will be around till morning. Are you sure you want to do this again?” He asked, his godly blue eyes staring into her own eyes made them both pause. Now normally, he couldn’t give a rat's ass who he made dealings with but this frequent customer of his had his curiosity. She wanted something nobody has asked of him ever. Not willingly anyway.

“Yes. I doubled the payment as well, I need this to last a while,” She stated matter of factly before shrugging off her coat. Dabi’s eyes couldn’t help but peer down at her arms covered in bruises. He hated to admit it but the swirls of yellow, blue, green, purple, and even black were beautiful to him. Maybe he was biased, since he was the one who had put them there.

“You know I don't usually ask about anybody’s business, but I’d like to know. Why do this to yourself?” He couldn’t help but ask as he watched her smile up at him like a lunatic. He knew better though, she was only faking the smile.

“Wouldn’t you like to know Mr. Dabi?” She responded keeping her edge of mystery and teasing as he threw her the bag of snow which she caught with two hands. Opening the bag she eyed the substance and once satisfied she pulled out her phone and her debit card. Cutting lines silently, she didn’t bother to acknowledge her supplier, still staring at her with amusement. “It’s just not everyday a pretty woman comes knocking and asks for some supplies as well for her dealer to absolutely beat the shit out of her to go along with it. I prefer beating the people who owe me money, not pay me money,” 

“Funny isn't?” She retorted back as she rolled a dollar bill from her wallet into a fine tube before lowering her face but not before she looked up at Dabi through her eyelashes, “However I don’t go around asking anybody to beat me up you know? You just happen to be a very handsome man who knows how to hit the spot just right,” Her laughter filled the cold room for a moment as Dabi couldn’t help but chuckle a bit himself. “You intrigue me, dollface,” Was the only response she got before she put the dollar tube up to her nose, expertly inhaling the lines she had set up.

“I’ll give it a moment to kick in and we can start, yeah?” Dabi only nodded before kicking another crate close to the one she was sitting on and sat across from her,” How about after we finish up here, you and me go for a drink? My place?” He offered to which the woman sat still as she looked at him in disbelief. “We’ve met up numerous times, fucked once or twice, smoked or did lines once and twice, but every time I always had to beat you till I wasn’t sure if you were breathing or not. But me asking you out to drink is shocking?” Dabi teased after getting no response with a smile before he received a nod.

“Fine, I suppose that's alright,” She agreed and both her and Dabi sat in silence for a few moments before she started to feel the rush come to her veins. Energy began to flow through her as she stood up and walked to the middle of the spacious factory room signaling Dabi to follow to which he did. Turning around to say she was ready was only met with a harsh punch to her cheek which had her huff out in surprise. No noise spilled from her lips as her head cracked to the side. Kicks, punches, spit, and anything else Dabi could do to her, she felt for the past hour. It felt painful of course, but so freeing. It was just what she needed. She longed for some type of touch, something to pull her from the edge of slipping through the cracks of insanity and this…..oh yes this was her redemption. 

Everyone always left her, friend or lover. Parents or teachers. She was always given up on or abandoned. She couldn’t figure it out. Years of being neglected as a child to now being seen as nothing but a waste of ‘potential’, whatever that meant, had her come to realize a false truth. She was the problem. Now deep down she knew it wasn’t that. She never did anything. She only had hateful parents, fake friends, teachers who just couldn’t care for their less paying jobs, and lovers who needed a quick fuck bring her down to this level. But she needed a reason otherwise it would hurt more. She decided she was the problem. She didn’t communicate enough. She was the one who didn’t try harder, who kept trying till something worked. It was all her fault and now to this day she seeked her false redemption.

She loved the sound and feeling of Dabi’s knuckles cracking against her face, the way his heavy boots collided with her ribs giving off a satisfying thump, or the way he spat on her with a loathsome look in his eyes. She loved it all because she knew at the end of the day he wouldn’t leave her. He wouldn’t neglect what she wanted, no what she needed. He was always there. That’s why she kept coming. The pain, the feeling of adrenaline, the focus of someone else on her was what she loved having.

She felt free, as if this was going to lift her out of her shithole of a life. The sad fact however is once it began it also ended. Lying on the cold cement ground, heaving deep breaths of air in her lungs as the drugs still pumped through her veins wasn’t enough. She wanted more. Pushing herself up with shaking arms, she tried to stand up to face more. The fresh bruises on her face screaming in the beautiful vibrant colors couldn’t be felt to her. No she could never feel the after effects for a while but she can feel the impact. It was powerful enough to get through the drug that way.

“M...More,” She breathed out looking up to the onyx haired man who simply had taken out a cigarette and started to smoke. “I think you’ve had enough for-”

“It’s never fucking enough! I need more! Please...im begging you,” She screamed out, her voice echoing through the facility as Dabi stared at her in shock. She never screamed at him before. In fact he’s never heard her raise her beautiful voice to anyone. She knew she looked pitiful, he could tell with the way her face started to scrunch up in shock from herself. Taking a deep drag of his smoke, he squatted down so the balls of his heels were firmly planted into the ground.

“Hey...look at me,” He gently muttered as he helped her sit up before his eyes bore into her own. “That's enough. Here, take a hit,” He offered to which she took, her pupils still large and round as she looked back at him, “Listen, after a while I kind of started to figure you out. You don’t need this to feel something you know. You don't deserve to do this to yourself,” He started to which she looked at him with wide eyes, tears starting to pool threatening to spill over.

“You don’t know that,” She simply stated in a hurt quiet tone. “No, I don’t. But you know what I do know? People who do deserve this don’t do this to themselves. They bring it out on others. I would know that at least,” Dabi responded lightly, “You come here every three days. Every three days you pay me to do this to you. Every three days you get yourself so fucked up and get me to beat the living shit out of you and for what?”

“It’s the only thing I have Dabi! I want to fucking feel something for christ sake! Don’t I pay you enough?”

“It’s not about the fucking money anymore!” Dabi roared back, causing both to be silent for a few seconds before he continued, “It’s about the fact that I’m starting to feel like shit doing this to you. Dealing you shitty drugs is one thing, but beating up a woman who’s so pathetically on the verge of not caring for her own life anymore is something else,” He spat more harshly than he meant to. Sighing, he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear,” Doll, I don’t want to be the reason you want to end it. I want to be the reason you start something more. I hate to admit it but after a year of this shit I can’t help but start caring for the mystery woman who like to have her ass get kicked,” He laughed to which she couldn’t help but join in a little.

“Why?” Was the only response she gave to which he shrugged, “You’re cute for one thing, but from the times we fucked, drank, smoked, you show something more than this. I want to see more of it. If you really want to feel something then let me show you another way,” He offered, holding his hand out. 

Staring at him then his hand she took it with a small sigh,”I...I don’t know but...I’ll try,” She agreed to which Dabi smirked, ”That’s all you gotta do. Try,” He said, happy to finally have her do something other than this. If only she knew that though his sweet words and handsome promises of something better was still a fall. This man wasn’t good, healthy either. A shady drug dealing and maybe even murderous bastard he was but still, to her right now he looked nothing but an angel. Oh but if she only saw in the shadows how broken and fallen his wings actually looked. 

[missskzbiased]

I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You (17)

Genre: Romance, Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, Fluff, College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader  X Han X OC

WC: ~ 7,5,K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack, Alcohol, Food), Suggestiveness

Notes: It’s Hyunjin’s Pov. I got to finish chapter 18 today. Probably gonna try to write some of 19 later. I’m posting earlier just because I’m really tired and I’m afraid I might be too sleepy later LOL

Updates: Tuesdays

                                                          ////

  HYUNJIN’S POV

  You were being ridiculous.

  You crossed your legs, sighing as you stared at both cups in your hands in wonder. Why would you be sitting on a bench on a Monday morning with two cups of coffee ─ well, actually one cup of black coffee and one of iced Americano ─ if not to wait for someone? It was so painfully obvious that for a second you thought about throwing them away in the trash and acting as if you weren’t a… You didn’t even know how you should be calling yourself now.

  You scowled, getting up from the bench and heading to the closest trash bin, settled in assuming your usual fuckboy façade to try to approach Y/N. Why would you act differently now? It wasn’t like you loved her or something… Maybe you were a little bit infatuated by the fact that she could listen and understand you better than anyone else –

  See? That kind of awfully awful thought… You should be ashamed.

  You kinda were.

  “Hey” Yeah… Of course, she would see and talk to you at the exact same moment you were about to throw coffee away for absolutely no reason. You exhaled slowly, closing your eyes to recompose yourself before turning around with a smug smile.

  “Hey” You offered back in a husky tone.

  “Did you scratch your throat or something?” She asked in confusion, frowning as she stared at your neck “You sound… I don’t know… Kinda different?” She said unsurely, hands trailing to her own throat and massaging it mindlessly.

  Great… Exactly the reaction you wanted.

  “Oh, no!” You cleared your throat, massaging it as well “I bought these drinks and I drank yours by mistake” You explained, handing her the cup. She narrowed her eyes at you, studying you closely before reaching for it.

  “Thanks…” She said warily “What’s the occasion?” She asked, tilting her head, eyes wandering around your face before she sipped the coffee, humming in appreciation “This is really good!” She raised her brows in surprise, shifting her gaze to the cup.

  “Well, I stopped by a café to buy some for me on my way here, and… Well, I remembered you have an exam today, right?” You smiled at her, knowing far too well that what you just said was bullshit “I thought you could use some real coffee today” You shrugged.

  “I don’t have an exam today…” She frowned, holding the cup with both hands as she thought about it.

    You fought back a smile, watching as she scrunched her nose and tried to figure out what was going on; lips slightly projected forward in something close to a pout but not quite. The way she held the cup with both hands made her look smaller than usual, and for some reason, you found it incredibly endearing. There was something soft spreading in your chest, some kind of warmth that made you want to wrap her in your arms and squeeze her but you ignored it.

    Y/N wasn’t the cute little type… She would hit you for sure if you tried to do anything similar to this. You were yet to understand how she didn’t just kill you after the fake kiss at the stairs… You were lucky as fuck. She raised her eyes to you in question, making you gulp down. You had those eyes so close to yours… That nose brushing against yours… Those lips…

    “You don’t? I must have heard it wrong then” You lied, sipping your drink mindlessly. Or at least, you hoped she thought all of it was natural and unplanned “Well, you like coffee anyway…��� You shrugged, glancing at her as you walked together towards the stairs “Consider it a friendship treat” She hummed, nodding in mock acknowledgment.

    “Why does it sound like a poor excuse to buy me something?” She laughed, nudging your side “It’s awesome to have two rich friends to pay for my stuff” She joked, taking another gulp of her coffee “I guess this one is pretty good because it doesn’t even feel like grumpy o’clock anymore” You laughed at this, smirking at her.

    “Maybe it’s not the coffee but my company” You said suggestively, wiggling your brows at her, making her chuckle, “Or it could be the sugar” You said playfully, grinning when she took the bait.

    “Not really, those from the stands are usually really sweet… This one is actually way more bitter than I’m used to” She admitted “But it’s g—“ You didn’t even let her finish.

    “Oh? So you’re saying you prefer sweet things?” You could tell she knew you were about to make some silly input just by the way she arched her brow in expectation “If you want some more sugar, I can be your Sugar Daddy, you know?” You joked, fighting back your laughter as she grimaced at you, huffing.

  “Really?” She couldn’t help but chuckle “That must have been the worst pick up line you have said in your whole life” She pointed out, grimace dissolving into a playful expression “You’re too young to be my sugar daddy, though” She reminded you, shaking her head in amusement.

  “I can be your honey, then” You chortled when she choked on her coffee, pushing your shoulder lightly as she looked at you astonished.

  “Oh my God… You’re a compulsive flirter, what the hell!” She whined, wiping her mouth “How can you come and show your face when you’re like this?!” She asked dumbfounded, shaking her head in disbelief.

  “Did you look at my face? There is nothing to be ashamed of here” You joked, and she grimaced again in mocking disgust “Come on! You love me just like this” You said in a singsong “You said so yourself” You reminded her, making her snort.

  “I do love you just like this” She agreed, offering you a small smile that made your heart flutter for a second “The amount of self-esteem oozing out of your ass is going to be my thesis’ theme, so I have to love it” You rolled your eyes when her small smile dissolved into a mocking one “I may even get a prize… I don’t think someone ever saw something as big as this” She joked, making you snort.

  You opened your mouth to retort her but she beat you to it.

  “Please… No comments about your dick and your hook-ups” She pleaded, furrowing her brows at you in disgust.

  “Hey, I wasn’t going to say something like this!” You protested, even though it did cross your mind “I was going to smoothly change the subject to the book I couldn’t finish reading because I had to save Han’s ass that day” You threw her your best condescending smile, getting a knowing mumble as an answer.

    “ I see… So you want the juicy gossip” She mocked, making you roll your eyes “I have the book back if that’s what you want… But the coffee and that not so smooth change of the subject make me think that you want to know more” She smirked.

  “Not really” You shrugged, though you really wanted to know, “I just want the book back so I can finally finish it” You lied, and she nodded, clearly not buying your words “I mean it” You tried to emphasize your fake intentions but she just rolled her eyes.

  “What do you wanna know?” She asked bluntly, stopping to rummage through her bag before handing you the book “We’re okay now… He needs more time and I’m okay with it” She summarized, zipping her bag close “Everything is fine and I’m late for my classes” She chuckled, hoisting the bag over her shoulder.

    “So… He talked to you like an actual human being?” You sneered, and she threw you a look before sighing.

    “Yes… He made a good point, to be honest” She giggled, remembering something from their conversation “He was afraid to talk to me about needing more time because he knew I’d go and try to convince him otherwise” She seemed to find it funny “Anyway… He has a lot to deal with right now, and I can wait for him to act normal again” She shrugged.

    “I see…” You pursed your lips, patting the book’s cover distractedly “And what about Paris? She told me she kinda confessed to him…” You cleared your throat, trying to change the subject again.

    She narrowed her eyes at you, suspicious of your question.

                                                            ////

    The book was good but that wasn’t the only reason for you to be here.

    You looked around the library, trying to find an inner excuse to be here apart from returning the book to Y/N, but finding nothing interesting enough. You leaned on the counter, waiting for her to show up as you mindlessly flipped through the pages, clearing your throat to see if you could catch her attention on the back. As much as you felt ridiculous doing things like this, there you were acting like a needy crushing boy…

    What goes around comes around.

    Would you even imagine that one day you would be trying to catch someone’s attention instead of simply having it on your own terms? No. You wouldn’t. You could just return the book to her tomorrow ─ when you would see her in class anyway ─ but you choose to come to the library on a Thursday afternoon just to do it… Someone should be stopping you from being… A Han or something.

    Ugh.

    “Oh!” She blurted when she came back to the counter, looking at you with curious eyes “What are you doing here?” She asked interested, suddenly frowning and seeming to think deeply “Shouldn’t you wait like… I don’t know some weeks to break up yet?” She seemed genuinely confused by your presence, and you found it too amusing.

  “Can’t I come here to visit a friend?” You teased, arching your brow as you failed to fight back your smile.

  “I mean- Well, yeah…” She floundered, clearing her throat “It’s kinda unexpected” She admitted, chuckling “Not even Chan comes to visit me in here and he actually likes to read” She joked, and you leaned on her way, resting your chin on your palm as you smirked at her.

  “Well, maybe you should pick me instead” You suggested, looking into her eyes with your best alluring look but the girl seemed to be built to ignore all your charms.

  “You wish” She snorted “At least, Chan doesn’t jokingly flirt with me all the time!” She rolled her eyes, bumping your nose playfully before organizing some books on a desk behind her.

  “Neither do I” You said sincerely but she laughed dismissively.

  Well, you weren’t jokingly flirting with her… She was just too dense.

  “Anyway!” You shrugged off, placing the book on the counter with a thud “I’m here to give it back to you” You smiled at her as she glanced over her shoulders “I’ve finished it and I hate to admit it but you were right… It’s really good” And you weren’t just saying it.

  “Oh? Better than your drama?” She taunted, grinning mischievously.

  “You’re getting ahead of yourself” You grimaced at her, making her giggle “But I was wondering… Do you have any more indications? I may have liked it enough to read some more…” You muttered, and she smiled knowingly at you.

  “I always have some good indications!” She chirped “I knew you would like it! We have a section here that is filled with books that might be of your liking… Do you want to check them out?” She asked excitedly, and you had to fight back the urge to coo at her.

  She was too cute for her own good.

  “Well… Why not?” You shrugged as if you weren’t interested at all “I can help you out with those” You gestured to the books pile behind her “And then you can show me this section… Maybe I’ll find something I like” She smiled at you, picking up the books and placing them on the counter for you to have access to them.

  “Sounds great!” She said, studying you from head to toes “And kinda suspicious too…” She narrowed her eyes, a grin plastering on her face “First you buy me coffee and then you help me out with my work? Spill the beans” She said teasingly, and you looked at her with unimpressed eyes.

  “If Chan was the one doing it… Would you find it suspicious?” You asked, arching your brow at her “You’ve been saying I’m too flirty and all that… But I’m beginning to think that you like to think I’m flirting with you, Y/N” You smiled condescendingly at her, tilting your head in a silent mockery.

  “I didn’t say you were flirting with me now” She pointed out, grimacing at you judgingly “I said you were being suspicious” She reiterated “Maybe you’re the one who likes to think I want you to flirt with me, Hyunjin” She sneered, making you scoff as you looked away.

  She was a too attentive piece of shit…

  How could she be so perfect?

  For Lord’s sake… You were wasted.

                                                              ////

   You were lucky enough to not be soaked to the bones.

  You walked into the classroom, fingers running through your wet hair in a slow-motion that wasn’t really intended but also not completely unplanned. You didn’t mean to make it an event but what could you do? You knew what people wanted to see. You stopped in front of the board, fixing your hair as you looked at Y/N, licking the drop of water that reached the corner of your lips.

    You lifted your chin just a little bit, half-lidded eyes fixing on your friends as you stretch your neck, letting the drops slid down your throat to your covered collarbone. You could hear some gasps around, and the quiet admiration fueled your ego as you shook your head to get rid of some of the water in it. You licked your lips, biting them before making your way to your seat.

    You felt Y/N’s eyes on you, lighting up your smugness.

    “Morning” You smirked, tilting your head as you threw her a look, eyebrows millimetrically positioned to give off the confident and sexy vibe you were aiming for “How are you today, ladies?” You asked jokingly, taking off your coat.

    “Cold” Y/N answered mindlessly, studying you from head to toes.

    You chuckled at her ─ making sure your voice sounded husky enough to enhance your attempt to look desirable ─ dusting off your shirt that was half-way opened. You noticed how she fixed her gaze on your bare chest for a second, though you couldn’t really tell what was going through her mind, and you smirked at her as she did. You opened your mouth, ready to tease her about it. The ‘Like what you see?’ almost slipping from your lips.

  “Aren’t you feeling cold like this?” She asked in utter confusion “It’s freezing outside…” She added, tilting her head and looking at you as if you had three heads “Didn’t you see it was going to rain today? Do you need a coat? I can ask Chan to pick up something in my room” She offered, and you had to fight all your instincts not to scowl at her.

   I can ask Chan to pick up something in my room… Tsk.

  Unbelievable.

  You glared at Paris as she snorted, looking at you filled with amusement. You grimaced, pretending to laugh along with her before sulking and sitting down. She pinched her nose’s bridge, trying to concentrate enough to not laugh straight to your face. You were surrounded by great friends… You scoffed, shaking your head in disbelief as you buttoned up your shirt.

  “What are you talking about, Y/N?” Paris asked playfully “Can’t you see that he’s too hot to be cold?” She mocked you, giving you a teasing look that quickly turned out in a pained one as you stepped on her foot.

  “I don’t think that’s how it works” Y/N chuckled, resting her cheek on her palm and leaning forward on her seat to look at both of you.

  “Don’t you think he’s hot enough for heating up the room?” She continued her teasing, and you had to breathe deeply not to slap the back of her head.

  “You guys are so funny… Ha!Ha!Ha!” You rolled your eyes, huffing.

                                                        ////

    You should thank God for not being a spy.

    You couldn’t really say you were doing a good job at hiding your newfound feelings ─ though feelings might be too strong of a word ─ from your friends. It was more than obvious that Chan would find suspicious the fact that you just fucking snapped your head to the mere mention of her name on the phone. So right now ─ as you sat on the couch, back straightened unnaturally ─, his eyes seemed to shoot a hole in your head to search for something in your soul.

      “What?” You spat annoyed, trying to cover up for your slip-up with some fed-up manners that were bound to make him go away if you were lucky.

    You weren’t.

    “What?” He repeated fascinated “I’m the one who should be asking it” He chortled “You almost broke your neck just to pry into my call” He pointed out, brow arching up in suspicion. You pretended not to notice his narrowed eyes and musing; humming before he finally asked it “Hyunjin… Are you into Y/N?” the amusement under his tone was heavy enough to hit you like a brick.

    “Please… What is there to like about her?” You scoffed, but Chan didn’t buy it at all. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning his back on the counter as he studied you with attentive eyes. You cleared your throat, averting your eyes from him before connecting them again.

    “Well… You tell me” He sneered “I wasn’t the one who got hard because she was on my lap” He reminded you; the teasing mixing with contempt as he huffed “I also wasn’t the one who spent weeks fucking random chicks trying to get the idea of fucking her out of my system” You paled at this, the cold sweat getting to your palms.

    “I wasn’t trying to –” He interrupted you with a scoff.

    “With all due respect… I have known you for years, Hyunjin” He rolled his eyes “You have never once fucked so many girls in a short amount of time like this… And just after you had a boner like a bloody teenager?” He snickered, grimacing at you knowingly “It sounds like someone was trying to prove something to themselves and failed” He tilted his head, challenging you to say otherwise.

    “To be fair, I didn’t fail…” You muttered grumpily “It was all good until she talked with me…” You were fully aware that you weren’t making any sense, grumbling like a kid that had just been separated from their toy.

    “Care to enlighten me?” He smirked.

    Yes, I do! Fuck off…

    This is none of your business!

    What do you have to do with it? Are you her boyfriend?

    “There isn’t much to tell…” You answered instead, shrugging at him “I realized that we have more in common than I thought… And it felt good to be listened to and have someone who understands me…” You cleared your throat “I was pretty much convinced that it was just a thirsty episode after…” You hummed, trying to search for a good word “That week…” You trailed off.

    “So you actually fucked her out of your mind” He chuckled, finding it funny the way you tried to be polite about it now.

    “Yeah…” You agreed embarrassed “And then she started to go after Han and it got me really mad because… Well, you know” You rolled your eyes “She was trying to make it all better and he was treating her like shit and…” You glanced at him uncertain but as his smirk dissolved into a serious expression, you knew he had understood it “Yeah” You concluded warily.

    “It doesn’t answer my question” He pointed out, and you sighed.

    Would he be less attentive someday?

    “So I kinda pretended to kiss her to throw him off…” You mumbled, and you never saw Chan straightening his back so fast before “But I had my thumb over her lips!” You blurted, eyes widening as he uncrossed his arms.

    “You did what?!” He sounded more surprised than mad, brows arched in utter disbelief “And it didn’t cross your mind to tell me this?!” He chortled “Didn’t she punch you or something? She definitely can take you down in a blink of an eye” He mused, looking for any bruises on you.

    “She didn’t” You admitted, still finding it strange “I guess I was too hurt and she saw right through me… She knew that there was something wrong and she wanted to listen to me… So we talked it through and…” You played with your hands, glancing at Chan in expectation “Well, I don’t know what else to say” You shrugged.

    “Just say you like her” He suggested, chuckling at you.

    And that was exactly the thought you were trying to avoid all this time.

    What was it to like someone? You had asked yourself thousands of times already. Was it about what you wanted them to see in you? Was it about what you wanted from them? Was it about how you felt when you were with them? Was it about the understanding between each other? Was it about wanting to be with them?

  You wanted her to see you as the best one out there.

  Although you found this urge silly and embarrassing, you kept acting like a fool every single time you were around her. You thought that trying to make someone like you, acting differently around them, and trying to convince them that you were the best version of yourself… It was definitely liking.

  The problem was that as much as you wanted her to notice you and see you under a whole new light, you knew that there was no need to hide anything… She knew the deepest and darkest parts of you and didn’t run away. So, yeah! Maybe you were putting too much effort ─ even if you weren’t planning to do so ─ into impressing her but you knew that it didn’t matter in the end.

  She liked you just the way you were.

  For you, liking someone meant to be obsessed with things that shouldn’t matter at all. You didn’t expect her to do anything special… You didn’t expect her to say sweet things to you, or take care of you, or run her fingers through your hair… Well, you kinda wanted it but it didn’t really matter. As long as you had her smiling and sharing things with you… As long as she could tease you and laugh with you when you guys stumbled over each other around the campus…

    You didn’t want her to go out of her way for you.

    You wanted to be on her way.

    You couldn’t remember a time when you felt genuinely happy with a girl… You could remember being smug as you walked around with them as if they were your new trophy. You could remember being playful and teasing and thirsty… Well, you could definitely remember being thirsty a lot of times. Yet, you couldn’t remember feeling so… At home? You didn’t even know if you could actually say something like that.

    It was like she could understand all of you and still welcome you at the end of her day. It was like she could set you on fire and give you some kind of light and warmth that you didn’t feel for ages. It was like being with her was an adventure and still, you didn’t fear anything when you were beside her.

  It was humiliating to feel like this.

  And you probably were a hell of a masochist because you loved it.

  You had to be stupid to think that all that had come from a simple talk on a Friday afternoon. You knew it was much more than that. It came from years of being disgusted with each other… Hiding and searching for the greatest weakness you could find. It came from being vulnerable enough to open up and redeem yourselves… It came from accepting each other… It came from listening, sharing, teasing, healing…

    You scoffed, nodding at Chan as you met his eyes.

    “Yeah… Maybe I like her” You agreed, lowering your gaze to the floor.

    The problem was that Friday didn’t show you how you liked her… It showed you every single thing you were trying to ignore until now. It showed you how much you have gone through and how much both of you were connected to some extent.

    It showed you that liking wasn’t quite the word you were looking for.

                                                            ////

    The first step was to acknowledge your feelings.

    Bullshit.

    The first step should be you burying your feet into Chan and Paris’ heads so they could stop being so painfully obvious about all of it. Was it just in your head or were they actually working together to humiliate you right now? Maybe they were just too excited… To be fair, you couldn’t understand what was going on inside their heads anymore.

    It wasn’t like knowing your friend’s favorite dish was a crime, right?

    Apparently, to the two holy detectives that watched every single step of yours, it was the worst of the crimes; worthy of knowing looks and teasing kicks. What a great way to live your life. You deadpanned as you looked at them, arching your brows to see Paris giggling as she retreated her leg and Chan smirking in your way. You let a hint of disgust show on your face as you wandered your eyes between both of them, wondering why ordering Y/N’s favorite dish should be an event now.

  So what that you wanted to please her?

  “Isn’t that like your favorite dish, Y/N?” Paris decided to play innocent. The way you had to hold back to not kick her under the table ─ just like she had been doing with you every two minutes ─ was worthy of mention on Guinness Books.

    “Won’t you go to the kitchen to cook it?” Chan arched his brow playfully, and you closed your eyes to breathe deeply, trying to stay composed. You opened your eyes to stare at him, lips quivering as you held back a grimace and laughed it off sarcastically.

    Of course, Y/N laughed about it as well.

    So maybe on Saturday ─ when you finally acknowledge your feelings to Chan after he invited her over for lunch ─ you had let it all go to your head and tried to pretend you were a good cooker… But did he need to expose you like that? What a great friend you had! You kinda expected Chan to tease you about your feelings but you also thought it would be something more… Private, to say the least.

  So, I made it for you…  You had said to her and as soon as those words came out of your mouth, Chan chortled, almost choking on his food, throwing you an amused look.

  You meant made the order, right? He laughed, and Y/N giggled along with him, pushing your shoulder.

   “Fucking hilarious” You snickered, scrunching your nose “You should drop Med school and try to be a comedian or something… You’re so talented” You added, utterly done with them.

  “You make it too easy” Y/N mocked you, grinning as she rested her cheeks on her hands, leaning on the table “No, but seriously now!” She said, grinning dissolving to an attentive frown “Even though roasting Hyunjin is one of my favorites hobbies” You scoffed, rolling your eyes “Paris and I actually wanted to invite you guys to a party” You frowned at her conclusion, tilting your head, intrigued.

  “A party?” You decided to make sure, suspicious of it.

  “Yeah” Paris intervened, smiling at you “Minho got into a team!” She said excitedly, and you couldn’t help but snort, grimacing at her as if she had just told you the best joke ever.

  “So what? We don’t even talk to him” You pointed out, getting a nod from Chan, who also seemed curious about their suggestion “I mean… Congratulations to him! But why would I go to a party because of this?” You questioned, narrowing your eyes at Paris.

  “Well… Han—“ You chortled, poking your cheek with your tongue.

  “Really?” You sneered “So Han suddenly have the time and the urge to speak to you again?” You rolled your eyes “Unbelievable…” You darted your eyes at both of them, frowning “And both of you are going to go?” You gestured between them, arching your brow.

  “And hopefully you and Chan!” Paris chirped, trying to keep the mood at the table “Come on… He was having a hard time figuring everything out and finally, something worked for him!” She pleaded, offering you big doe eyes that didn’t make you flinch a bit “Come on, Hyunjin! Do it for the team!” She forced a smile, and you sighed, shoulders dropping as you did.

  “What in the hell makes you think that we would agree to go to his party?” You asked tiredly “You know far too well that I don’t like him… He hates me, he punched me, he hurt Y/N… I don’t have a single reason to talk to him” You enumerated, pulling one finger at a time as you did.

  “He’s our friend, Hyunjin” Y/N reminded you “We’ll keep talking and walking with him and if you both keep hating on each other it’ll make everything awkward” You scowled at her “Just saying!” She shrugged “You don’t need to come but Paris and I really want you and Chan to get along with him at some point” You tried to hold her gaze but ended up averting your eyes anyway, tsking.

    “Well… I don’t have anything against him” Chan shrugged “I don’t need to go to a party to hang out with him… I hung out with Paris wanting to choke her every once in a while for all this time!” He added, chuckling as she tried to slap his arm.

    “Will it hurt you to go to a party, Chan?” Y/N nagged, rolling her eyes and getting a chortle out of all of you “I’m counting on your Daddy vibes to keep Hyunjin under your wing and prevent them from fighting” She pouted, trying to convince him.

    Ridiculous and yet cute… What the hell.

    “I don’t even go to parties to have fun… Why would I ever go to babysit them?” He grimaced, arching his brow “Moreover… Pouting doesn’t work with me, Sweety” He smirked, patting her hand over the table “You’ll have to try a little bit harder” He sneered, and she kicked him under the table, smiling obnoxiously at him.

    “Was that hard enough?” She taunted.

  “What about a deal?” Paris interrupted, trying to negotiate “If we convince one of you to go by the end of the day, then both of you will come with us” She smirked, throwing you a smug look that made you scoff, tilting your head.

  “Deal” You shook her hand.

  There was no way that Chan would agree to go.

                                                                ////

  So you had a party on Saturday.

  “How the hell did you convince him?” You whined, looking at Paris in a devasted way as you sauntered through the campus, trying to find a bench to sit down. She chuckled, nudging you and taking a look at your face before grinning mischievously, shrugging her shoulders.

  “I have my ways…” She answered mysteriously, making you roll your eyes.

  “You’re working together to play matchmaker, aren’t you?” She stuck her lower lip out, tilting her head in a mocking way that said ‘who knows?’ and making you shake your head in disbelief “You’re sly as hell” You whined, getting a chortle from her.

  “Come on! You clearly need it!” She insisted “You’re being way too obvious, Hyunjin! Paying attention to her likings? Buying her coffee? Ordering food and pretending to cook it?” She snorted, grimacing at you playfully “Trying to seduce her with a half-opened shirt?” She broke into a fit of giggles, probably picturing the humiliating scene.

  “Look, I wasn’t thinking straight at the time” You scowled at her, pouting as you thought about it “If it really was that obvious, she would have said something by now” You pointed out, and Paris snickered, giving you a thumb up in mockery.

  “Yeah! Because Han was so subtle and she totally figured him out” She sneered, and you couldn’t bring yourself to disagree. In fact, Y/N was blind to any kind of romantic feelings. You could come with a bouquet and a love letter… She would still find a way to see it as a great gesture of friendship.

    You were too naïve for your own good.

  “It’ll be so cute to see the two of you dating!” She chirped, eyes twinkling as she clasped her hands together, finally sitting down on a bench. She looked straight at you, waiting for you to say something, but you couldn’t bring yourself to answer her at first.

    Dating? Who said anything about dating? You didn’t want to date her… You frowned as you looked at Paris, unsure of what to say to her as you cleared your throat, wondering how you should put it. Yes, you might be in love with her but… Dating? You snorted. A relationship demanded too much from you… Were you ready to attach to someone like this?

  You didn’t think so.

  “What is it?” She narrowed her eyes at you, suspicious of your behavior “Why do you look like…” She studied you from head to toes before settling her gaze on your face “…This?” She floundered her hand around, gesturing at you with a disgusted frown.

  “What do you mean?” You tried to play dumb, sitting down beside her.

  “You know far too well what I’m talking about” She accused, eyes narrowing once again “Hyunjin, by any means are you thinking about playing with Y/N as you do to the other girls?” She asked cautiously, searching for any sign on your eyes that confirmed her assumption.

  “Never” You reassured her, hand going to squeeze her knee “It’s just… I mean, I don’t think I’m ready to go all in, you know? Yeah, I like her and all this… She’s my dear friend and I may or may not be in…” You gulped down, eyes darting at her as you cleared your throat “…to her” You finished, afraid to speak your real feelings out loud.

  “In…To her?” She snorted, looking away for a second before throwing you a look “You’re in love with her, that’s what you are” She rolled her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief “You never did anything like this before, Hyunjin… You’re the type of guy who has people throwing themselves at your feet” She acknowledges, and you shrugged smugly, a playful smirk playing on your lips “Tell me one time you tried so hard to get someone’s attention” She requested, crossing her arms and leaning back on the bench in a silent challenge.

    Romantically?

    Not even once.

    “Exactly” She grimaced, looking at you as if she could read your mind “If you don’t want to date her, why are you trying so damn hard? What is your point?” She asked skeptically, tilting her head as you opened your mouth to answer her.

  Just to close it again in wonder.

  She was right… Why were you trying to impress her so much if you had no intentions of actually getting into a relationship or something? It was more than obvious that Y/N wouldn’t be the kind to hook up with you and then just go with it… As far as you could tell, she had no experience in love. None. At all. There was no way she was going to just go with the flow and… And what? What were you expecting from all this?

  “Hey, Hyunjin” The husky voice got you out of your thoughts, making you realize that someone was standing right in front of you. Not only someone. You remembered her from… Maybe a month ago? You couldn’t even remember last time you got laid “I haven’t heard from you for a while…” She continued; tone still sexy enough to turn your smug façade on “New catch?” She asked, studying Paris for a second, a subtle smirk on her lips.

    “We’re just friends” Paris voiced your thoughts before you could, jolting her leg for you to let go of her knee. The girl chuckled, tilting her head as she seemed to eat Paris with her eyes, licking her lips before averting her eyes to you.

    “Yeah… I’ve been his friend a couple of times too” She joked, winking at you “If you guys are up to more friends…” She let her sentence hang in the air, shifting her gaze in a suggestive way that made you flustered. Good Lord… She was asking Paris to join your… Oh my God.

    “No need!” You blurted out, getting up abruptly “I mean- Do you want to be her friend?” You looked at Paris startled at the thought, getting furrowed brows that answered you right away “We don’t need any more friends, thank you!” You rushed to say, getting a blank stare before she averted her eyes to Paris, landing them on her for a few seconds.

    “I see…” She hummed, smiling at both of you mysteriously before throwing a few glances over her shoulder as she walked away.

    For some reason, it didn’t settle too well on your stomach.  

                                                        ////

    You snorted, rolling your eyes as you smirked at Paris.

    “I’m telling you!” She insisted, leaning forwards to slap Minho softly on the knee “The girl just came out of nowhere and suggested a threesome with me!” She laughed, leaning back on the chair as Minho huffed in disbelief.

    “There’s no way” He looked at you in awe “I’ve heard your reputation but… I mean- Where can I sign in?” He joked, arching his brows playfully as he chuckled. He crossed his arms, letting his body relax on the chair as he looked at you in amusement, tilting his head as he seemed to ponder something.

    It turned out that Minho wasn’t as unbearable as you thought.  

  “You’re not really my type” You fought back a smile as he scowled, nagging at you as he gestured mindlessly for you to get off of his tail “I guess you have to be born with a pretty face like me” You joked, and he groaned in answer, throwing his head back.

    “Is that what you need to get girls now? Have an obnoxious attitude like this?” He scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief as he connected his gaze to you again, trying to hide his smile “You’re not really my type either, baby boy” He scorned, grimacing at you sarcastically.

    “Who said he gets all the girls?” Paris teased, looking at you with grinning eyes that twinkled devilishly “A little bird told me that Hyunjin has a crush on someone and I haven’t seen him getting laid recently” You glared at her; lips quivering as you tried to hold back your frown.      

    “Wait” Y/N slowly raised her eyes from her beer, snapping them at you in surprise “You’re crushing on someone and everybody knows except me?” You paled, clearing your throat as you stared blankly at her, trying to think of an answer.

    That’s how blind you are…

    It’s not my fault you have such busybody friends!

    Yep! Because that’s you.

    “Aren’t you too interested in my love life?” You asked instead, trying to maintain a smug façade as you smirked at her, arching your eyebrow questioningly. She narrowed her eyes at you, seeing right through your attempt to change the subject. You hated when she did that… Yet, it was kinda endearing to know that she could figure you out like this.

    “I won’t even begin to talk about how you’re always meddling in my life” She raised her hand as if to tell you to stop with your bullshit “You’re a fuckboy and you’re not getting laid! How can I not be curious about this?” She scoffed, making you chortle.

    “I see… So you’re interested in my sex life” You corrected yourself, and she rolled her eyes “You can’t just live your sex life through me, sweetheart” You teased, pouting at her as she glared at you, clearly done with your teasing “You should have your own experiences… Actually having some sex instead of trying to stick your nose into my business” You chuckled as she huffed, poking her cheek with her tongue.

    “Who said I didn’t?” She arched her brow in a challenge.

    “What?” You asked, tilting your head in confusion as she gulped down her beer.

    “Who said I didn’t get laid?” She repeated, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared at you “I may not be like you but I had a share of affairs as well” She shrugged nonchalantly, and you could swear your jaw was on the ground by now.

    “You’re not a virgin?!” You blurted out in utter surprise hand snapping to your mouth as soon as the question slipped from your lips “Sorry! I didn’t mean to ask that” You rushed to say but she just snorted.

    “I always thought you were a virgin” Minho added anyway, sounding surprised as he frowned at you “You’re always working and eating hot dog… When the hell did you have the time to bang?” He asked in wonder, tilting his head “I can’t be the only one who’s not getting some here” He nagged, making you chortle.

    “You guys are too naïve” Paris chuckled “Y/N was clearly the cool mysterious kid that had a bunch of people over her feet!” She reasoned, gesturing to Y/N to make her point “It’s obvious that she got laid at some point of her life! Just look at her” She stated matter-of-factly, giving you all a know-it-all look.

    “Not really” Y/N chortled “I just got laid because I ended up hooking up with Chan—“ You could have choked to death right at that moment but as soon as you opened your mouth to gasp, Chan’s voice reached your ears, startling you to the point that your choking died on your throat.

    “Hey, Sweety!” He called, interrupting her “Can you come over here?” He gestured for her to get closer, and she frowned at him, suspicious of his behavior “I wanna talk to you” He added, making her sigh in surrender.

    You watched her making the way to Chan, attentive eyes glued on his figure as you tried to process what she had just said. So Chan and Y/N hooked up in the past? And they had sex?! You were kinda suspicious of them lately… You wouldn’t lie. The sheets all messed up in the morning? His comment on how she was like a beast? The way he inquired you about your feelings on that night? The way he held to the bulge incident? The way he spent over a week at her place?

    They had to have something going on…

    You clicked your tongue as you thought about it, furrowing your brows as she finally got to his side, being guided ─ and you didn’t fail to notice his hand on the small of her back ─ to somewhere more private. The thing that didn’t make any sense was that Chan was actually trying to help you out to get your feelings out of your chest… Why would he do that if he liked her? But again… Who said anything about liking? They could be just banging.

    “Wow” Minho said as soon as she left, looking at you and Paris “So the rumors are true? They’re together?” He arched his brows in awe. As soon as he arched his, you frowned yours, confused by his question. What rumors?

    “What are you talking about?” Paris asked, as lost as you.

    “Haven’t you guys heard about it? I’ve heard Chan has been visiting her at the library and there are even some rumors talking about how he spent the night at her dorm” He explained, trying to find any signs on both of you that confirmed those rumors “Chan is quite popular, so I guess people just tend to pay attention to it… He also called her sweety right now, didn’t he?” You scoffed, poking your cheek.

    “People talk too much” You reassured him “There is no way they’re dating… One of them would tell us” You looked into Minho’s eyes, shrugging “Never heard them fucking either” You added, shifting your gaze to Paris, looking for something that gave them away “So I guess those are just rumors…” You chuckled, trying to act nonchalantly.

    You weren’t so sure yourself though.

                                                       ////

Obviously I had to forget something LOL

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Paging Healer Malfoy // Chapter Four - Aftermath and Acceptance (D.M.)

A/N: CHAPTER FOUR! I struggled writing this, that’s why it’s so late and so short, I’m really sorry!! However, I do hope you enjoy!

Summary: Draco has something important to ask (Y/N), but will he work up the nerve to ask her?

Warnings: talk of grief and loss, mutual pining, swearing, mentions of food but no descriptive eating scenes, mentions of injuries, brief description of injuries, injured child BUT THERE IS FLUFF.

Word count: 3.7k

Prologue // Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three 

Draco wakes to the smell of coffee and toast. He finds himself laid, curled up on his couch with a blanket covering him. He blinks once, twice – his eyes are crusty from the tears shed last night.

With a loaded sigh, Draco sits up, rubbing his face and wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. He finds (Y/N) in the kitchen; her back to him as she butters the toast and makes two mugs of instant coffee.

Silently, she pushes Draco’s coffee towards him before taking a sip of her own. She watches him as he drinks; her keen eyes focused over the rim of her mug as she waits for him to break down again.

“I’m okay,” He whispers hoarsely.

Her eyes narrow; she doesn’t believe him, and he thinks that she’s probably right to not believe him. He shifts his gaze from her to the mug in his hands; staring down at the bitter liquid he relies so heavily on, “Really. I’m not going to break down again.”

(Y/N)’s mug clinks delicately as she places it back down on the counter, “Are you sure?”

Draco nods, “I’m sure.”

She sighs through her nose, “I’ve never seen you like that, Draco.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head, “Don’t be sorry, I’m just concerned.”

“It won’t happen again; yesterday took me by surprise.”

“I believe you.”

Draco meets her gaze; his blue eyes bright, “Thank you for staying.”

(Y/N) smiles, “You know I’m here for you.”

“I know,” Draco whispers; smiling smally at her.

Cold toast and lukewarm coffee is breakfast for them both; tired eyes crinkling in the corners as shy smiles are shared. Last night changed something between them, and they’re both aware of it. However, neither truly know how to approach it.

Draco finishes his piece of toast before asking, “Where did you sleep last night?”

(Y/N)’s face heats; something Draco hasn’t seen for a while; it took a lot to elicit such a reaction from her. She finishes chewing before replying, “You fell asleep on me. I ended up sleeping underneath you.”

Draco blushes from his neck to his hairline; he opens his mouth to apologise, but (Y/N) beats him to it, “Don’t apologise; I didn’t mind – you make quite the lovely blanket.”

Draco ducks his head; pleased to know that she didn’t mind sleeping with him.

(Y/N)’s eyes glance towards the clock, “Are you on today?”

Draco nods. (Y/N)’s eyes narrow once again, “Are you sure that’s wise?”

He sighs, “What happened last night won’t happen again. I need to work, (Y/N). Life doesn’t just stop.”

She frowns, “You’ll come get me though; if you need someone?”

Draco nods, “I promise.”

(Y/N) smiles, picking up her almost empty coffee cup, “We better head off soon.”

He sighs; he had hoped for more time with her, “Give me ten minutes to get dressed and we can go.”

---------

The break room is empty when they arrive at work meaning that they can pull on their lab coats and share a few minutes of silence before entering the fray, getting safely distracted for the rest of the day.

“Remember your promise,” (Y/N) reminds him, squeezing his hand.

He squeezes back, “I will. Are we meeting for lunch?”

She raises an eyebrow, “Are you buying?”

“I think I can manage that.”

She laughs; letting his hand drop. Draco feels suddenly cold. Her eyes shine with mischief as she answers, “I’ll come find you when I’m free.”

“I look forward to it.”

Draco gives himself a moment after (Y/N) leaves the break; he lets himself have a quiet moment to himself where he takes a few deep breaths and listens to the tinny sound of the now ancient television set in the corner of the room. Closing his eyes, Draco lets the monotonous tone of the muggle news anchor wash over him, calming his mind and his heart.

Readying himself for the pitying looks and the busy emergency room, Draco heads to the admit desk.

Vera greets Draco with a raised eyebrow and a question falling from her tongue, “Was that you and (Y/N) I saw walking in together?”

Draco rolls his eyes, “Yes, just like most shifts we share together.”

“You looked particularly cosy… and I couldn’t help but notice she was in the same clothes as yesterday.”

Draco meets Vera’s eyes, “She stayed over last night. I wasn’t in any place to be alone after what happened.”

Vera’s eyes fill with sympathy and sadness; she wraps Draco in a hug that has him fighting back tears for the pure fact that it reminds him of his mother’s hugs. Vera pats his back twice then letting him go; she wipes her eyes quickly before grabbing a chart from the side, “35 year old female; fainted in Diagon Alley.”

Draco takes the chart from her gratefully, “Let’s get started then, shall we?”

--------

He manages to keep himself distracted; he doesn’t overload on patients like he did yesterday, but he takes on a fair few that he knows he can handle with all the experience under his belt.

It keeps his body busy and his mind occupied; he cannot focus on grief if he is trying to figure out the cause of an otherwise healthy female’s loss of consciousness whilst out shopping with her mother-in-law. Draco has his suspicions that it’s down to the overbearing nature of said mother-in-law but at the pleading look in his patient’s eyes, he keeps her in for further observation – if only to give her a break.

He flits about from patient to patient; ordering tests and then handing out prescriptions. It’s days like this, when the load is heavy but manageable, that Draco is reminded of why he became a Healer in the first place. He loves to help people; it’s at the very centre of his being, but for so long, it was hidden by his teenaged cockiness and the insurmountable pressure from his family.

It’s days like these when Draco is reminded if the fact that he is a good Healer; that he is talented at what does and that is because of the Healers that trained him, but also of the staff he works with. Draco knows that he could only get so far without the help and support of those he works with, and it’s on days like this when he is forever grateful for the nurses that kick him up the arse when needs must.

-------

James Shannon approaches Draco as he sits at the admit desk, making the last few chart notes on patients discharged yesterday – something he chose to neglect due to his sour mood. James interrupts Draco’s reading with a cough, “Healer Malfoy?”

“James,” Draco greets, turning to face the trainee, “How can I help?”

James looks almost anxious as he asks, “What happened yesterday… with Violet, does it happen often?”

Draco sighs; expecting the question from at least one of the trainees, “No, it doesn’t happen often.”

James continues to watch him; hoping for a longer explanation. Draco huffs, “Through your career as a Healer, you are going to meet patients who come into the emergency room frequently. Take for example Mrs. Larkin who I’m sure you’ve met already,” At James’ nod, he carries on, “Mrs. Larkin very rarely needs medical treatment, James; she’s a lonely widow who needs company that she doesn’t get from the rest of her family. So we let her sit in an exam room; check her over and yes, over her multiple visits, a friendship develops.”

“Is that what happened with Violet?”

Draco frowns, “I was Violet’s primary physician and the one who diagnosed her kidney failure. When her fiancée was at work, I would sit with her through her dialysis for as long as I could. It was more a friendship of convenience, but a friendship nonetheless”

James nods, “I know that you’re my boss and I’m only a trainee, but I want to tell you this if I may?”

Draco raises an eyebrow; he can’t help but be sceptical as he murmurs, “Okay.”

James sighs, “It wasn’t your fault… what happened to her. Violet’s death wasn’t your fault and I know you feel guilty about it but there was nothing you could do, and I know Healer Thomas would have tried his hardest to bring her back. And I know what it feels like to feel guilt for someone else’s death – I lost my older sister when I was six.”

Guilt pools in Draco’s stomach for a second; it seems that he misjudged James due to the attention he gathered from (Y/N), but also of his status within the wizarding world. Draco berates himself internally; he should have known better; he knows full well what it’s like to be judged before your character is truly known by those around you. Draco looks over the young trainee and it becomes clear to Draco as to why James chose Healing as a profession; he would never be able to save his own sister, but maybe – just maybe, James might be able to save someone else’s.

Draco eventually nods; he stands, patting James on his shoulder, “Thank you, James. I think I needed to hear that.”

A small smile breaks across James’ face; he nods twice, happy to have helped his superior in anyway. He turns away, but pauses at the sound of Draco’s voice, “James?” James turns to face his boss who’s smiling at him, “I think you’re going to be a fine Healer.”

------

“Draco!” (Y/N) shouts; lab coat flying out behind her as she runs to his side.

Hastily, he turns to her. “What? What’s happened?” He asks, his voice laced with worry and concern; mind running through all possible scenarios for the reason as to why she’s shouting his name and running.

She pants slightly, sidling up next to him, “I heard it was paediatric.”

Draco nods; casting his gaze back out across the bay, counting down in his head for when the emergency transport should arrive. “What did they say?” (Y/N) asks; her focus sharpening.

“Six year old girl; bitten by a werewolf.”

(Y/N) lurches back in shock, gloves halfway on her hands, “What?”

Draco nods; confirming, “We get at least one around the full moon, you know that.”

Her eyebrows furrow, “Did they say how bad?”

Draco shakes his head, “They couldn’t tell us a lot other than it was bleeding a lot.”

(Y/N) sighs, “We need to keep this quiet, Draco. They’re lobbying a new decree in the ministry this week about lycanthropy.”

Draco doesn’t remove his gaze from the emergency bay; veins already thrumming with adrenaline, “Let’s treat the patient first. We’ll worry about politics later.”

-------

Six year old Ailsa is quiet as she is wheeled into the emergency room. Her eyes are wide as they take in the new environment, and she answers questions with the tiniest of sobs. Her mother follows behind; tears streaming down her face as she recites Ailsa’s allergies and any worries she has.

Ailsa flinches as the wound is cleaned. Draco realises upon examination that the bite isn’t too deep meaning that the chance of transmission has significantly lowered since Ailsa first arrived at St. Mungo’s.

(Y/N) arrives at Draco’s side immediately; the bottle of wolfsbane potion already uncorked and ready to be given to the patient. With a sorrowful smile, Draco says, “Ailsa, I’m going to need you to drink this. Now, it isn’t going to taste very nice, but, I happen to know that if you drink all of this, you can have some of the chocolate milk hidden away in the staff room.”

Ailsa’s nose crinkles. “Do I have to drink all of it?” She asks in a small voice; watching the vapour rise from the potion.

Draco chuckles, holding the potion out for her to drink, “If you want the chocolate milk, I’m afraid you have to.”

Fierce determination settles on Ailsa’s face as she takes the potion from Draco; she would get the promised chocolate milk and enjoy every drop. At her mother’s encouraging smile, Ailsa drinks down the potion, frowning heavily at the taste.

She holds up the empty bottle with a victorious grin, “Finished.”

Draco laughs, “Looks like we owe you chocolate milk, Ailsa.”

Ailsa nods happily; handing the empty bottle back to Draco. He takes a step back, “Good job, Ailsa. I’m going to go make a phone call and I’ll be right back with your chocolate milk. How does that sound?”

She nods once again; distracted by her mother wrapping her up in a hug. Draco smiles at the scene before leaving. (Y/N) follows him, waiting until they’re of earshot of the family before saying, “She’s going to be okay, isn’t she? We both saw the bite.”

Draco shrugs, “Truthfully, I don’t know,” He looks towards trauma one, “I really don’t know.”

(Y/N) sighs, “Well I hope so.”

Leaving (Y/N) to manage her own patients, Draco goes in search for a phone and Ailsa’s chocolate milk; happy to find the one in the break room free.

He rifles around in his wallet for the card handed to him by Harry not so long back; an idea forming in his mind. Balancing the phone between his shoulder and ear, Draco punches in the number, relieved to hear the dial tone. It rings four times before a weary voice answers, “Hello?”

“Hello. Is that Professor Lupin?” Draco asks; mind flickering back to his father’s treatment of the werewolf.

A slow chuckle answers, “I haven’t been a professor in over ten years. Who is this?”

“Draco Malfoy, sir.”

The line falls silent; Draco thinks that he’s hung up which is understandable really. Draco had been surprised when Harry, Ron and Hermione had forgiven him; he wouldn’t be surprised however, if Remus Lupin drops the line.

Minutes pass before Remus speaks up, “Draco Malfoy? I never thought I would hear from you. How did you get my number?”

Draco chuckles; half embarrassed, “Harry gave it to me, sir.”

“You don’t need to call me ‘sir’, Draco. Remus will do just fine.”

“Thank you, Remus. I was calling for your help with a patient.”

“A patient?” Remus asks; shock lacing his voice.

“Yes, I’m an attending in the emergency room at St. Mungo’s now,” Draco answers; unable to help the strong tone of pride in his voice – he would always be proud of his job and all that he has achieved so far through it.

Draco hears the surprised intake of breath by Remus, “That isn’t something I expected to hear.”

Draco shakes his head though Remus can’t see him, “I surprise everyone when they hear about my career choice.”

“Nevertheless,” Remus’ gravelly voice says over the line, “It’s an incredibly noble profession, Draco, and one I can only assume you excel at.”

“Thank you, Remus,” Draco says quietly; overcome by the kindness shown by one he treated so poorly.

“Now, you rang me for a reason. How can I help?”

Draco startles; remembering as to why he was on the phone to his old professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts, “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind speaking to a patient and her family. Harry gave me your card not long back and said that you offered advice to families who found themselves struggling with lycanthropy.”

Draco hears another surprised intake of breath, “What happened?”

“A six year old girl was bitten; her mother is worried that she’ll turn.”

“When was she bitten?” Remus asks urgently; voice serious.

Draco checks his chart, “Her mother says this morning; the werewolf broke in and got spooked by her daughter waking up to use the bathroom.”

Remus makes a sad noise on the end of the phone, “So similar to my own attack.”

Sadness washes over Draco; he had known the story of Remus’ bite – there were few in his parent’s social circle who didn’t know considering they all knew the werewolf who had turned him. Remus brings Draco back to the present, “The full moon waned last night; we were at our weakest last night so the bite should amount to nothing.”

Draco grips the receiver tighter in his hands; hope beginning to flicker in his chest, “And you’re sure of that?”

Remus sighs, “I’m not 100%, but we are always most vulnerable as the moon wanes and the bite so rarely takes when we’re weak.”

“What would recommend? I’ve already administered wolfsbane potion which the poor girl didn’t appreciate. I had to promise her chocolate milk to get through it.”

Remus chuckles, “No, I can’t imagine she did. You’ve covered yourselves with the wolfsbane potion; that’s good thinking, Draco. Other than that, it’s a waiting game.”

Draco sighs into the phone, “You’re certain she won’t turn this full moon if the bite has been successful?”

“She won’t turn now. The moon has left its apex; I can feel its strength leaving me as we speak.”

Draco huffs out a breath of relief; he won’t have a child werewolf running around his emergency room then. He has to ask, “What about next month?”

“That’s what we have to wait for.”

Draco nods then remembers that Remus can’t see him, “So I just need to tell the mother that it’s now a waiting game.”

“That’s right. However, if you have a spare wolfsbane potion, give it to the mother. That way, should her child turn, the potion will make her docile and less dangerous.”

Draco makes a note to do so on the girl’s chart. He holds the receiver close to his ear, “Remus, would you mind if I passed on your details to the mother? That way she can ring for advice should anything happen with the next moon.”

Draco can hear the sad smile in Remus’ voice, “Of course you can, Draco. Pass on my well wishes to the family, please.”

“Thank you, Remus. You’ve been a massive help.”

Remus’ voice is gentle as he says, “Anything I can do, Draco.”

Draco hangs up on his ex-professor; feeling hatred towards his younger self for being so naïve to believe his family’s prejudices towards those markedly different to them. Shame washes over him as he thinks of the things he had said about the well-mannered man, knowing he was within hearing distance. Grabbing a bottle of chocolate milk from the fridge, he makes a mental note to send a letter of apology with Harry the next time he was to visit his godson.

With the information from Remus, Draco asks Vera to grab another wolfsbane potion from the potion lock up. As she does that, Draco writes up the prescription and advice for Ailsa’s mother.

Wolfsbane potion in one hand and chocolate milk in the other, Draco returns to trauma one where Ailsa and her mother sit, chatting quietly. From looking at her, you wouldn’t have though that Ailsa had been bitten by anything larger than a small dog. Her attitude towards it had been entirely blasé and Draco couldn’t decide whether it was shock or simply Ailsa’s resilience making an appearance.

Draco smiles reassuring at Ailsa’s mother who stands when she notices Draco entering the room. He hands the chocolate milk to the child; her face lighting up at a promise fulfilled.

“I’m fairly confident that she will not turn into a werewolf. After examination, the wound was quite shallow. The issue is, we cannot be fully certain, so whilst Ailsa may not turn with this full moon – she could with the next. So, here is a wolfsbane potion to be given to her at the start of the week of the full moon. If Ailsa turns, the potion will keep her docile and make her less dangerous. However, I’d also like to give you the contact details of someone who can help should you have any worries.”

Ailsa’s mothers eyes shine with fresh tears as she whispers, “That would be so helpful. Thank you, Healer Malfoy.”

Draco nods; rifling for the small rectangular card in his pocket. “His name is Remus Lupin; he used to teach at Hogwarts, but now helps those come through the moon with as little damage as possible. This is his card, I’ve already rung ahead, he’s expecting your call should you have any worries. He also passes on his well wishes.”

Ailsa’s mother lets her tears fall as she takes the card from Draco. She reads over the fine print for a second before tucking it in her pocket, “And he’s good, you say?”

“He’s the best.”

--------

It takes Draco twelve hours to work up the nerve to ask (Y/N) to dinner. He thought about asking her at his flat, but tensions were high, and should she say no, it would make for an awkward commute to work. He felt there were opportunities all through their shared shift; as he poured their first coffees, at lunch when she kept stealing chips from his plate, as she consulted on a patient for him. He had countless opportunities, but he doesn’t grab at them; he just waits.

At the end of every shift they share, they always head home together, living on the same tube line. Their fingers brush every now and then; sending jolts of electricity through Draco’s veins. It takes every inch of his restraint not to pull her into a kiss as they walk to the tube station; everything about her drives him mad. She’s just finished working a twelve hour shift and yet, she’s as beautiful as she was this morning, sliding him a coffee over his breakfast counter.

Draco realises that he wants to wake to her making coffee for the rest of his life if she’ll have him.

The tube station looms in front of them. It’s now or never, Draco thinks to himself as he looks up to the timetable where it announces its three minutes until the next train.

“Do you want to grab dinner some time?” He asks suddenly, swivelling on the spot to face her, “With me, alone, outside of the hospital,” He adds on for awkward clarification.

“Don’t ask me to dinner because of your grief, Malfoy,” She warns; voice filling with emotion.

Draco shakes his head; a small smile gracing his lips, “It isn’t that. I’m asking you to dinner because I want to date you.”

(Y/N)’s eyebrows raise in surprise, “Oh.”

“So… not out of grief, not out of thanks – out of the fact that I like you, a lot, would you like to get dinner with me?”

(Y/N) beams at him; the sight of him leaving him breathless, “Yes, I would like to get dinner with you.”

*******

Paging Healer Malfoy taglist: @sycathorn-slush @obsessedwithrandomthings @kpopgirlbtssvt @kalimagik @brycelahelalover @fallinallinmendes @mischi3f-manag3d @remmysrecs @willowbleedsonpaper @nao-cchi @haphazardhufflepuff @soundsquid27 @mytreec @maydillydally @chaoticgirl04 @pregnant-piggy @rhyxn @acciotwinz @birdie-writes @reaganwonders @chanelwonders @izzytheninja @ravenclawbitch426 @ohissandhalasta @missmulti @nebulablakemurphy @pointlesscoconut @cherrylita @harpersmariano @slytherinlovesgryffindor @falconfeather23435 @namoreno 

Draco Malfoy taglist: @the--queen-of-hell @obxmxybxnk @obx-beach @sycathorn-slush @dracomalfoyswifey @kashishwrites @justmesadgirl @detroitobsessed @reaganwonders @sophia-gwendolyn @ravenclawbitch426​

**if your username is in bold, I was unable to tag you.

[sage-nebula]

So, the good news: Ghetsis was not redeemed, he isn’t going to have a relationship with N moving forward, and although N was shown to wish things could be different between them, ultimately the whole situation was treated with the seriousness and gravitas that it deserved and N never once forgot the abuse that Ghetsis put him through, nor was he at any point willing to just brush it aside. In that regard, I’m very glad for how Masters handled the situation. 

With that said, though, the writing in Masters made me realize something else about how child abuse stories are handled in Pokémon, and that something else is . . . not good. Namely, I’ve realized there is a significant difference between how child abuse stories in Pokémon are handled depending on whether the abusive parent is blood related to the child or not.

First and foremost, let’s get this out of the way: There is a social stigma in Japan against adoption. This isn’t to say that children never get adopted, but that culturally adoption is looked down upon in comparison to having biological children, and as a result there are only a few hundred adoptions each year in comparison to the thousands of kids living in orphanages. (Although this isn’t purely stigma, since in Japan the biological parents can still retain legal guardianship over their children in the orphanages and can therefore prevent them from being adopted by families as well. They don’t do this maliciously, but instead might think, “I will be able to care for my child later” even if that never comes to pass.) Additionally, I’ve read before that the stigma is why adopted children often don’t refer to their adopted parents as “mother” or “father” but I can’t find that source now, so take that with a grain of salt.

Anyway, the point of me saying all of that is: Japan has a stigma against adoption and Pokémon is a video game series created by Japanese people. Therefore, it stands to reason that Japanese cultural beliefs (such as the importance of blood family over adopted family) can make its way into the series, even if the series itself is a worldwide phenomenon that they know will absolutely stretch beyond Japan’s borders . . . and I think that’s what has happened here, intentionally or otherwise. Basically, whether an abusive parent in Pokémon is redeemed or not seems to have very little to do with the severity of the abuse (including that which is shown to the audience), but instead everything to do with whether their children are biologically related to them or not.

First, let’s take a look at the abusive parent that was redeemed, Lusamine. In Sun & Moon specifically Lusamine is not once shown being anything but abusive to her children. Lillie tells a story of how Lusamine was kind to her a couple times in the past (dancing in the rain, co-sleeping when Lillie was sick), but that falls in line for abusive parents. Abusive parents generally aren’t abusive 24/7; there’s a well-known cycle of abuse which contains a “honeymoon period” stage in which, typically after an apology and a promise to do better, the abuser treats the victim kindly, which usually results in the victim believing that the abuser really does love them and that whatever abuse comes later (and it always does come later) is in fact the victim’s fault on some level, for failing to keep things stable. Regardless, we know that not only did Lusamine abuse both Gladion and Lillie terribly in the past (to the point where Lillie has trauma surrounding even the clothes she wears and has trouble getting new ones), but we also see her verbally and emotionally abuse them on-screen, and then we see her attempt to murder Lillie during the climax. While Lusamine was retooled into being a well-intentioned extremist in Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon, we again see her verbally abuse her children on-screen, to the point where when Hau says that Lusamine really isn’t a bad person after all, we see Gladion grimacing in the background. All told, we see Lusamine emotionally, verbally, and (with her attempted murder in SM) physically abuse her children on-screen, and yet she is still forgiven by them pretty much immediately, redeemed, and treated as if they’re a happy family with just a few unfortunate bumps in their history. I’ll note here, for anyone who isn’t already aware, that Lusamine is Gladion and Lillie’s biological mother, and this is obvious by how similar they all look even if you weren’t told repeatedly.

Now let’s look at the abusive parent that is not redeemed, Ghetsis. In the first set of Unova games, Black & White, most of Ghetsis’ abuse of N happens off-screen and isn’t revealed until the climax. Ghetsis had N raised in a castle underground where he was cut off from society. He was brought pokémon that had been abused so that he could be manipulated into thinking that all humans abused pokémon and that pokémon needed to be liberated therefore. Because Ghetsis needed N to act as King of Team Plasma and control the legendary dragon, Ghetsis didn’t directly abuse N during this time. Instead, he neglected him (N was primarily raised by his sisters, Concordia and Anthea), and psychologically abused him via manipulative lies about what the rest of the world was like. It isn’t until the climax when N has decided to disband Team Plasma and listen to what the player has to say that Ghetsis brings out the verbal abuse, calling N “a freak without a human heart” and revealing that he was only ever using N all along. In the sequel games, Ghetsis is similarly openly hostile to N again, showing that he has no intentions whatsoever of being a good father to him. He’s pretty terrible to him, even if we didn’t see very much of it (particularly in comparison to what we saw with the Aether family, whose abuse was also much more realistic than N’s situation), and pretty much no one would want him to be redeemed. But also it’s important to note that N and Ghetsis, despite having the same hair color, are for whatever reason NOT biologically related. 

And this is hammered home time . . . and time . . . and time again, particularly in this Masters event.

Now, I think most of us would agree that it would be hard to find a woman who would want to procreate with Ghetsis. Granted, Ghetsis isn’t the type of person who would care about consent, but I do think it’s reasonable to assume that Game Freak probably wanted to avoid those thoughts, even though it could have been very easily solved by having a female Sage who was also Ghetsis’ baby mama / wife (similar to how Ariana, one of Giovanni’s executives, is very obviously Silver’s mother). So I mean, from a taste standpoint, I can see why they wanted to go the adoption route with Ghetsis, even though they still made him and N have green hair despite not being biologically related for some reason.

But.

I still think it’s noticeable that they have the irredeemable abusive parent be the one who both had the least amount of on-screen abuse (and also the least realistic abuse) and also be the adopted parent, versus the one they bent themselves into pretzel shapes to redeem be the one with the most on-screen abuse (and most realistic abuse) who also happened to be the biological parent. The message that sends, to me, is that it doesn’t matter how badly you abuse your children in this world so long as you are their biological parent. In the end, you will be forgiven and they are beholden to you as family. Versus if you’re an adoptive parent . . . well, you were never as important anyway, so. I mean, why else would Lillie leave her loving adoptive parents of Kukui and Burnet to go back to her abusive mother in Sun & Moon? Clearly the blood ties were just that much more important. (Granted, Kukui and Burnet hadn’t officially adopted her, but they as good as. I’ll never stop being infuriated by that ending.)

 This is, to a lesser extent, even shown with Giovanni and Silver’s situation. Giovanni was, to our knowledge, never actually abusive toward Silver; in the one conversation we see them have in HeartGold & SoulSilver, Silver’s main issue is that he doesn’t understand why Giovanni is disbanding Team Rocket after losing to Red, and also he doesn’t get why Giovanni needs so many underlings to begin with. He thinks Giovanni is weak, and Giovanni just tells him that he’s wrong without really bothering to explain things. At most, Giovanni is aloof and distant with Silver, which makes Silver angry, but Silver’s bigger issue is with Team Rocket as a whole. Giovanni’s definitely not a good father, but he’s not an abusive parent on par with Lusamine or Ghetsis from what we’ve been shown, and the implication is there that they could potentially repair their relationship in the future. Even in this event, the tension between them wasn’t bad, just complicated.

But . . . they’re also biologically related. Silver is Giovanni’s son, we’ve been told this a million times, and it’s very obvious that Ariana is his mother. They’re biologically related. And so, even though Giovanni is routinely touted as one of Pokémon’s most fearsome villains, Silver will never actually cut him off completely / be able to do that because Giovanni is his biological father. The fact that Team Rocket is based on yakuza probably complicates things even further there, but all the same. If Silver had been adopted by Giovanni, I’m pretty positive that Giovanni wouldn’t care / Silver would cut him off entirely. It wouldn’t be seen as a “real” family.

And this all bothers me, because not only was my biological mother abusive, but my stepmother was the only one who treated me as a mother should treat her child. Similarly, my biological sister was complicit and even participated in the abuse I suffered as a child, but my stepbrother whom I’ve known practically my whole life is the sibling I’d ride or die with. To me, biological ties mean jack shit. Family doesn’t begin or end with blood; to treat non-blood relations as lesser is something that will never fail to raise my hackles. So to see it handled this way in one of my favorite franchises of all time . . . yeah, it’s more than a little upsetting. I understand why it’s happening, I’m fully aware of the cultural context that this series is being written in, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it, because I don’t.

And before anyone gets it twisted:

Both Lusamine and Ghetsis can rot in hell, NEITHER should have been redeemed. This is NOT me complaining about Ghetsis being treated as the piece of shit he is, but rather my anger at the fact that Lusamine got a pass because she birthed the children she abused, and Masters making that abundantly clear by having N and Ghetsis state in every single chapter of this event that they weren’t blood related. 

But anyway, it’s nearly 4am, and I need sleep. I can continue being angry about Pokémon’s handling of abusive parents at a later date.

[joachimnapoleon]

May I ask you the question on a rather delicate topic (which bothers me from time to time, when I stumble upon Murat’s mentions in Poniatowski’s biographies etc.)? It is often repeated that they resembled each other in some areas, like their love for parties, dances, horses and women...

So my question will be on that, latter topic.

We all know about Caroline, but what about other women in Joachim’s life? Did he have other significant “love interests”? Was Caroline the first woman he proposed to? Did he... cheat on her???

If you know anything on the topic could you please share it with us? ))) (Because I am very curious why did prince Murat earn such a reputation ;)

Thanks in advance!

Oooh this is going to be a fun one. :)

Murat did acquire quite a reputation for womanizing. Napoleon would say on Saint Helena that Murat "needed women like he needed food." On another occasion (and for some reason Napoleon returned to the subject of Murat's sex life on numerous occasions) he exclaimed "How many mistakes did Murat not commit in order to establish his headquarters in a chateau where there were women! He needed them every day, so I readily tolerated a general having a whore with him, in order to avoid this inconvenience." (From Gourgaud's diary, 3 April 1817.) Apparently Napoleon was quite fixated on this subject because Bertrand records similar remarks from him in an undated note assumed to be from some time in 1820: "Murat supposedly needed a woman each night, but every woman was good to him, and nothing stopped him, whether she had the pox or not." (Vol. 2 of Bertrand's Cahiers de Sainte-Hélène, pg 438) Which is likely a reference to one of Murat's more well-known mistresses, Madame Ruga, a lawyer's wife, whom he met (and possibly fell in love with) in Brescia.

But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. We'll get back to Madame Ruga.

Murat's early life is very poorly documented. Some of his early biographers allude vaguely to him womanizing while he was still a student in the seminary, and even claim that he fought a duel over a young woman before abandoning the seminary to become a soldier. Take it all with a grain of salt. The first actual evidence of Murat having an attachment to a woman, lies in his letters referencing a young woman named Mion Bastide, from his hometown. It's hard to tell how deep his feelings for her ran; he repeatedly asks his older brother for news of her--and also what her "intentions" are, and if she is flirting with the young men of La Bastide while he is away on his military duties. Perhaps they had spoken of marriage at some point while he'd been home. Anyway, he eventually got tired of her not responding to him and moved on. While a captain in the chasseurs à cheval, he apparently had an affair with a woman named Eléonore; I haven't come across any details about this, but his attachment to her was strong enough that he kept a pocketwatch with "Joachim Murat, capitaine de chasseurs à cheval: Eléonore to Joachim - do not forget her" inscribed inside; he only relinquished this watch during the 1812 campaign, as a gift to a Cossack.

During the Italian campaign, Murat had affairs with two men's wives; the aforementioned Madame Ruga, and one Madame Ghirardi (more on her shortly). Madame Ruga is described in Desaix's notes as "young, pretty; wife of a lawyer; like all the Milanese, loving pleasures, having suffered from the venom"--"the venom" (le venin) being a tactful way of saying she'd had venereal disease, which she soon passed on to Murat. "Murat is ill," Napoleon writes to Josephine on 22 July 1796; "the goddess of the ball, Mme Ruga, properly gave him une galanterie," which is another lovely old-fashioned euphemism for giving someone VD. Napoleon continues that Murat "is furious; he wants to put his adventure in the gazettes." But in typical Murat fashion, his fury burned out quickly, and he seems to have been quite infatuated with Mme Ruga--he continued the affair, which is probably what spawned Napoleon's later disgusted recollection on Saint Helena. He even temporarily neglected his duties, until Napoleon sent him a mild reprimand, to which Murat replied with indignation. "I have never had any idea which could be the least disfavorable to you," Napoleon responded drily on 21 June 1797, "but I thought that you were more necessary to your division than to your mistress in Brescia." When Murat was sent back to Italy in 1800--months after marrying Caroline--there's a very good likelihood that he resumed his affair with Mme Ruga. At any rate, they maintained contact for some time; she delivered a letter to Eugène de Beauharnais for him in 1805.

Now on to Mme Ghirardi. Apparently he also met this woman, wife of a General Lechi, in Brescia. Eventually Napoleon sent Murat to Rastadt for peace negotiations at the end of the Italian campaign. According to an article in the January 1908 Revue Napoléonienne, this is what happened next:

But Murat's conquest does not intend to let him go. Desperate to hold him back, she follows him. The beauty flees from Brescia, crosses the Alps and falls into Strasbourg; when Murat returns from Rastadt to Paris, she settles there with him and stays in the same hotel, rue des Capucins-Neufs, number 20. The adventure here is complicated by a comic novel. The husband, worthy and notable citizen of Brescia, makes a lot of noise about his misadventure and instantly demands the lost object. He brings his complaint to Milan; he comes as far as Paris to address a mournful petition to the Directory. He begs Barras and his colleagues to set themselves up as defenders of outraged morality: "Put this young woman betrayed by a vile seducer on the path of righteousness and virtue, give a mother to an innocent child; it is an honest husband who asks for this act of justice. He will be able to publish it throughout the Cisalpine and to his fellow citizens who expect it from you." (...) A singular crossover facilitated the outcome. While the husband brought his action in Paris for restitution of wife, Murat, perhaps judging that the follies of youth should not be prolonged, adopted the part of bringing the fugitive back to Brescia and resuming his military career in Italy.

Napoleon writes to Berthier to inform him that Murat is coming back to Italy to return "this heroine of Brescia," take a vacation in Rome, and then rejoin the army. And that is the last we know of Mme Ghirardi and her affair with Murat.

The short answer to your question as to whether Murat cheated on Caroline is, unfortunately, yes.

And, not to make excuses for him, but it's hard to see it turning out otherwise given that Murat was pretty set in his ways by the time of his marriage. He had long since gotten into the habit of flitting from one woman to another, and he was in his early thirties when he finally married. On top of that, his military duties made it inevitable that he would spend long periods far away from Caroline--which he did--and I just don't think he had either the self-control or the interest in remaining faithful after awhile.

(I'm just going to excerpt this next part from a post I did on Murat's relationship with Caroline awhile back, since it fits in perfectly here.) 

They endured a long period of separation very early in their marriage–the first of many, adding up to several total years spent apart between 1800 and their final parting in May of 1815. Murat was sent to take command of a force in Italy in November 1800 while Caroline was pregnant with their first child; they did not see each other again until May of the following year. There are a couple of letters within Murat’s published correspondence that hint that, though he at first attempted to remain faithful to his wife during this interim, he may have given up on the endeavor prior to their reunion. The diplomat Charles Alquier, who befriended Murat in Italy, wrote to him in April 1801, lamenting not being able to spend a few days with him in Florence, teasing that he “would like to witness your gallant successes there and hear you talk about your marital fidelity, without believing it in the slightest.” The following month, after the arrival of Caroline, Alquier teases Murat again along these lines, in a postscript that reads “It was about time that Madame Murat arrived in Florence, or your hard-pressed fidelity was about to escape you.” He had almost certainly resumed his affair with Madame Ruga during this period.

There is a rather fascinating little affair that takes place early in 1806, in which Napoleon and Murat were having a simultaneous affair with a young woman named Éleonore Denuelle de la Plaigne, who was staying with the Murats at Neuilly at the time. Napoleon abruptly put an end to his affair with her when he discovered that she was also sleeping with Murat. Éleonore gave birth to a baby boy at the end of the year, and Napoleon believed the child was probably Murat's--up until he saw the boy in person prior to embarking for Saint Helena. What's particularly fascinating to me about this episode is the fact that Caroline pretty much arranged this affair for her brother--the Bonaparte siblings were so hell-bent on getting Napoleon to divorce Josephine by this point that some of them were acting like glorified pimps, hooking Napoleon up with girls left and right in hopes that he'd eventually produce a baby and prove that he wasn't to blame for the lack of an heir. But the timing of Murat, a man of proven fertility (he had four children by now), swooping in to plant a few seeds of his own at the same time that he undoubtedly knew Napoleon was bedding Éleonore just... let's just say I have theories about this. Suffice to say I think the Murats' sexual dynamic took some interesting twists and turns, and I'm fairly convinced that they each weaponized the other's sexuality on occasion--the Éleonore affair being the first example, and Caroline's affair with Metternich later on being another. This is totally, 100% my own personal theory and there's no way in hell to prove it either way, it's just my own reading of the situation given my current understanding of the personalities involved.

Anyway. The interesting thing about Murat's alleged affairs is that so few of his mistresses have been written of by name, the ones above being the exceptions. I've seen it written that he had a brief fling with the actress Mademoiselle Georges--who also allegedly had a short affair with Napoleon--but it's another one of those things that isn't well-sourced, at least from what I've found so far. As for his mistresses in Naples, I haven't come across the name of a single one. General Guglielmo Pépé only refers to them in the most general terms, remarking that King Joachim considered it dishonorable to refuse to grant a woman a favor "even were she not his mistress," and that he was especially susceptible to the "entreaties of the ladies about the Court". He also recounts Murat telling him once that "The Queen does not much like my giving audience to ladies," to which Pépé rejoined, "I pity the Queen if she notices the gallantries of Your Majesty." But I do find it extremely interesting that there seems to be absolutely no information whatsoever on any of Murat's alleged mistresses in Naples, which makes me wonder if his reputation in that area might be a bit exaggerated and if a lot of his so-called "gallantries" were simple flirtations. He never stopped being a massive flirt or enjoying having women's eyes on him. "He was very vain," Madame Fusil, an actress who met him in 1812, wrote of him, "and he liked women to watch out for him." 

I hope I didn't forget anything! And thanks for the ask! ^_^

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Riding the Lightning: Part Two

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: ~2.1k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, fluff and angst

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

Feedback is gold, and it’s the only currency I take

The couple’s house hasn’t been treated well. It has so much graffiti and damage that the city had to put a chain-link fence around the place to keep trespassers away. However, if more came, it wouldn’t make much of a difference. The place is so badly damaged, you’re shocked it’s still standing. This place holds a lot of memories, and none of them are good.

This used to be a good house--you can see it. Years of ignored care left it in the state it’s in. The outside walls used to be bright white but now are a dirty color. The wood is falling apart at the base of the house. The windows are smashed and shattered, so to keep people out of the house, they board it up haphazardly.

“Jacob's workshop is out the back,” Derek says.

“I don’t know about this place, Derek. I have a really bad feeling,” you say with an uneasy feeling.

Derek leads you onto the property and towards the back. The closer you get to the place where his workshop used to be, the more the uneasy feeling comes back. All that’s left back there is just dirt, but you can clearly see the workshop as if it were standing right now. Everything is perfectly clear as to what used to be here.

“He claimed that Sarah Jean would lure the victims from mall parking lots. She'd invite them to smoke pot in her truck. They'd find Jacob but no pot. They’d bring them here.”

“This is where the workshop stood,” you state, looking around as if it were actually here.

“What do you see?”

“It’s a lot smaller than I thought it was going to be. It’s big enough to not warrant concerns from anyone else but small enough to hide away from the street’s view. It looks homey like a guest house, but not too scary to throw off any of the people who passed by the house on a daily basis. There are high cabinets with a ton of tools inside like a mechanic would have. There are some tools hanging on the far wall, a few desks around, and a big bench saw,” you whisper fearfully when you see what’s on it.

Right on the blade is red liquid, and you know it’s blood.

“The blade has a ton of blood on it. He used it to cut up his victims,” you say.

As you get out the last word, you see a mystified version of Jacob standing by the saw with one of his faceless victims on the table. She is squirming, but he cuts her up anyway. Sarah Jean is nowhere to be found, but you have a feeling that she didn’t know he did this to these poor girls. Killing, maybe, but killing them this way, absolutely not. Sarah Jean was a victim herself--and she still is.

“I can’t look at this anymore,” you whisper and look away from the crime scene that’s no longer there.

“We know that Jacob was abused as a child. What about Sarah Jean?” Derek asks.

“Her mother refused to give any testimony in her defense. She never talked to anybody,” you state.

When you look back at Derek, the workshop had disappeared. Your mind is focused on something else, so it doesn’t have the energy to conjure up what was, but instead, focuses on what is.

“Maybe she's willing to talk now. Let's go pay Sarah Jean's mother a visit.”

“Despite what happened, she doesn’t live far. It’s within walking distance.”

“I wonder why she didn’t move halfway around the world.”

“She’s a mother, Derek. A Mother doesn’t abandon her children,” you say with sadness.

“You say that like you know that. Do you have children?”

“No.”

You don’t say anything more on the matter, not like you would if you could. Your past promised to stay in the past, so there is no use in digging up things that have been locked away for almost a decade now. You two quickly head over to Sarah Jean’s mother’s house to see if she’ll talk to you now.

Her house is still standing, but it looks like there is a lot of work still left to be done. Its as if she wants to repaint and redo the house to give it a new start so she can somehow move on from all this. No matter how much work is done on the house, you can still sense the sadness within the foundations. Right by the door is ‘Rot in Hell Sarah Jean’ spray-painted loud for anyone who walks by. You ignore it and knock on the door, looking at Derek when she doesn’t answer.

“She’s sad, Derek--in more pain than anyone I’ve seen in a while,” you sigh.

“Hello? Anybody? Hello! Mrs. Mason?” Derek yells, knowing she is home.

The door opens and Sarah’s mother, Deborah Mason, stands there with a small teacup in her hands.

“Yeah?”

“Are you Sarah Jean Dawes’ mother?” you ask.

“Who the hell are you?”

“FBI. We are from the behavior analysis unit,” you state and flash her your badge.

“My daughter and her son of a bitch husband buried a thirteen-year-old girl under my floor. What more do you need to know?”

“Ma'am, Sarah Jean has agreed to meet with our colleges to talk about why they killed those girls. We'd like some background information if you don't mind,” Derek says gently.

She has nothing to lose by letting you two in and talking, so she just shrugs and lets the door open as she heads back inside. The inside looks the same as the outside, but with more work. Plastic covers virtually everything as she gets ready to repaint the house. There are some parts torn up from the floor, so you’re careful as you walk inside to where Deborah is in the kitchen. This is an open floor plan, and you can see into the dining room on the other end of the kitchen right through an arched entryway. Almost every doorway is an arch.

“Extensive remodeling. Jacob built the original extension?” you ask and point to the arch separating the kitchen and the dining room. “I see he liked arches.”

“Teenage girls, agent, that's what he liked.”

“How was Sarah Jean growing up?”

“Fine, until she met Jacob. She was shy, quiet, and also smart.”

She picks up a bottle of vodka and adds more to her small teacup, and you exchange silent glances with Derek.

“What about her relationship with her father?” you wonder. “Was Sarah ever abused?”

“He was strict. He was a military man. They didn't always see eye to eye. That's all history. He's dead. She's about to die,” she sighs and drinks from the cup.

“Mrs. Mason, if we better understand the dynamics of her relationships, we can get a better idea of why and what actually happened,” Derek says.

“Dynamics?” she scoffs and moves away from the kitchen to the living room where her purse is.

“Well, it might answer why Jacob never killed Sarah Jean. They shared something.”

“They shared pain.”

“How strict was your husband? How did he discipline Sarah Jean? Was he physical with her?” you pry.

“He was a mean bastard, but he only hurt me… never her.”

“Why didn’t you leave with her?”

“Because we had no place to go,” her voice falters as she takes another sip.

“An anonymous caller tipped the police off about Jacob, was it you?” you ask.

“No, but I know who it was,” she says and pulls out a letter from her purse. She hands it to you, and you take it gently from her hands. “This came this morning.”

You open the letter, and your mouth hangs open just a bit when you read exactly what it is.

“What does it say?” Derek asks.

“It’s a statement of innocence,” you reveal. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to call Gideon about this.”

You quickly head outside and dial Penelope so she can patch you through to the older agent.

“Garcia,” she says once she answers.

“Hey, it’s Y/N. I need Gideon please.”

“Yeah, I'll pass you through,” she puts you on a brief hold until she can get the older agent on the line for you.

“What?” Gideon mutters quietly.

“We're at the mother's house, and she gave me a letter. A statement of innocence. I want to read to you.”

“Read the letter, Y/N.”

“Mom, I know how difficult this must be. Things between us were never what they should be between a mother and a daughter. I want you to know that the best part of me, the most important part of me, is now in a better place than you and I will ever be. I'm responsible for the death of those girls. I neglected my duties as a woman and as a mother.”

There is more to it, but you can hear Sarah Jean get upset over the line. You don’t know what is happening, but you feel like you need to get over there right now. Screw prisons and your fear of them. You need to help this woman, and it sounds like you can, based on what you hear over the phone.

“I’m coming over there. I’ll be there soon,” you say to whoever is listening before hanging up. Derek exits the house, and you put your phone away and hand him the letter. “I’m going back to prison. You’ll be okay here? I can send Elle to help you.”

“Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll see if I can’t get anything else out of Deborah.”

“Okay, stay safe.”

“And stay sane,” he quips back as you head to the car.

When you get to the prison, Gideon and Spencer are done talking to Sarah Jean. She didn’t know you would be reading her private letter, so she needed to clear her head before you go and talk to her. If she is truly innocent, then why is she fighting so hard to stay here? Why not fight to get out and separate herself fro Jacob? She is scared of something… or she’s trying to protect someone. You sent Elle to go to Derek when you arrived, and the team gathers where Penelope is to watch the tapes of the interviews to see if they can’t spot anything that they might have missed.

“They died as a result of my neglect,” Sarah Jean whispers regretfully.

“This letter suggests to me that an innocent woman is about to be executed for a crime she did not commit.”

“I could tell you right now, it's not enough to get a stay,” Sam Shapiro sighs.

“Well, facts. Reid,” Gideon says.

“Human sexuality is a complex dynamic of three components: biological, physiological, and emotional. Jacob's needs were informed by the emotional, sexual abuse that he received at the hand of his mother. Long term appetitive abuse informed the template of his love map. Something we refer to as a signature. Jacob was an only child, so he was alone when the abuse occurred. So, in order for him to fulfill his fantasy he has got to be alone with his victims.”

You look from the tape of Sarah Jean to the one with Jacob, and you just narrow our eyes in anger for him. He’s not a good person at all, and you refuse to even be in within sight of him. There is no way you’ll survive talking to him about anything.

“If I told you that what would I have left for myself?” Jacob says over the tape.

“He said ‘myself’. If Sarah Jean was present, it would have destroyed his fantasy,” you note.

“She confessed to killing her son,” the warden, Charles Diehl, states.

“Yes, true, but we are also convinced that she is the anonymous caller that made the phone call that nailed Jacob. In fact, I know she is.”

“Guilt-ridden and filled with remorse, she called the police. It's not the profile of a woman who would then kill a child,” Gideon sighs.

“What else do you need?” you ask the attorney.

“Evidence.”

“So, if we prove Jacob killed Riley, would that get a stay?”

“Absolutely.”

“She protects the painting, she protects the boy,” Gideon mutters.

“What?” you ask.

“Paintings are her statement. We need to figure out what they say.”

“Get me into her room, and I’ll find that out. I have to be alone though. I can’t have her influence on this.”

“You’ll get it,” Gideon confirms with a single nod.

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[midnight-in-town]

Do you think that things would turn out very differently if OurCiel told the Midford family and Madam Red the whole truth of when he went missing to RealCiel dying and he's not RealCiel (I know that Lizzie wouldn't point out the liar if that's the case) if he came back as himself? Wouldn't the Midford family have to accept the reality of his older brother never coming back after coming back after a month of going missing? (sorry the last question I added was way too harsh. Elizabeth is not a brat. She's just heartbroken about the lying she was told for almost three years and she's really nice in the manga and the t.v series despite breaking OurCiels ring)

2. I personally think that Edward can be overprotective sometimes of Elizabeth as she is fully capable of defending herself against a demon (Sebastian) in the Blue cult arc and against the people (Bizzare dolls) she was fighting (but that's what big brothers do) what do you think?

3. When do you think that Elizabeth and Edward will find out that RealCiel is actually a bizzare doll brought back from the dead? I personally think that it's cruel..imagine that a person was dead for three years to be suddenly brought back to life and you would think that someone was playing a trick on you to make you extremely unhappy as if especially that person was the one who you loved.

4. I think that Bards going to refuse to burn the War hospital down and I think he's going to meet his end there as Lau will do it anyways. I really hope not..what do you think?

5. Do you think that we would end up seeing a Elizabeth or a Edward flashback of their childhood with RealCiel of how they knew RealCiel or the Phantomhives Did they spend time with OurCiel at all? I just often saw theories that she didn't spend time with OurCiel as much as RealCiel..I get it though she just wants to develop her relationship with him? I don't see it as abuse or neglect..she's just a little girl..the same as the Phantomhive twins back then.

6. I think that Earl Grey was the one who framed OurCiel for the music hall murders through the phone (as he does hate Ciel or not) or the Undertaker who was clearly smiling when the police stormed the Phantomhive manor or someone (RealCiel)

7. I have a feeling that Francis knows that RealCiel is a bizzare doll and will very bluntly ask that to him the next time that they are in the future manga chapter together (possibly after the Bard arc in the war hospital because people don't come back from the dead because that was what Elizabeth told Edward: "if Ciel dies again" and I have a feeling that Francis knows about it and will bluntly ask that during dinner if there was one and Elizabeth would possibly deny all that and it's not going to end well if she said that it's not true of him being a bizzare doll)

8. Do you think that OurCiel looked very upset and hurt when the person who he loved the most (Elizabeth Midford) pointed out the liar and it was him..OurCiel was only lying to the family because they would have a different reaction if they find out that it was the younger twin who lived. (The weak and fragile twin who had multiple health issues)

9. I know that Lizzie was extremely hurt and heartbroken that OurCiel lied and I would be if a family member lied to me like that as it is human to feel that way but pointing out the liar to the half of London and to her family was way too harsh..in some ways.

10. When do you think that the Midford family would realise that RealCiel is up to no good at all and framed OurCiel for the music hall murders..I think it's when he shows no worry for his younger twin brother possibly and no concern for Elizabeth.

11. I think that RealCiel emtionally abused and used Elizabeth for his own gains..as she does look unhappy in many ways and six months going missing there tells me that otherwise of what she heard or been through. What do you think?

TBH Anon, I’m still rather pissed that you sent the same asks and didn’t even bother reading what I wrote you in my first reply to your initial questions.

I can guess that you’re rather new around here, but as I said earlier this week, I’ve been blogging about this series for a long time, which is why I have made an entire section of links to my theories so that they’re easy to find, in order for you guys to read about my opinion on characters and plot points if that’s what you’re after.

Therefore, since you didn’t even take the time to check after my first warning, I’m not going to elaborate further if my answers can be found in previous posts or in the manga.

As I already told you, considering this didn’t happen, I see no point in discussing this possibility

Yes, Ed is overprotective even though Lizzie is stronger than him: it is canon and a huge part of comic relief, but also because he’s very close to his sister and he’s a good guy

Ed: https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/177483213162/about-an-eventual-edward-soma-team-up-for-more // Liz: https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/179511621622

Yes. Bard already showed that he was reluctant to hurt Ada’s side. However, Lau doesn’t care and he once eliminated people whom Ciel had let go (curry arc), simply because he’s not one to let his enemies live.

I don’t know about any flashback. Lizzie probably spent less time with our!Ciel though, because he was often sick and stayed inside. Calling it neglect or abuse is absolutely untrue, since she was a child of the same age as the twins who had no power over our!Ciel’s sickly circumstances.

https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/176019513307/so-about-this-anonymous-report-im-wondering-if

https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/184475609227/im-so-happy-reading-all-the-theories-of-you-and & https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/646289725836148736/confession-i-hope-it-turns-out-frances-knew-the

Obviously our!Ciel looked upset. He was very anxious about Lizzie’s predicament, so to hear her words and to see his life shattering around him was hurtful, to say the least.

Lizzie loves our!Ciel, so of course she’d be hurt by him lying, especially since it made her realize that maybe she could have had horrible thoughts about his survival (which she despises herself for), had he told the truth.

Already answered in q5 and 7. From the moment one of them finds out, the others will probably get to know.

No, I don’t think real!Ciel did anything besides telling the truth to Lizzie. It’s the truth itself that hurt Lizzie because, over the last four years, she fell in love with someone she thought she knew, only to find out he was lying about everything. Her heart is split between the two boys, whom she thought were one and the same and grew to love differently. Besides, I doubt the Undertaker would have allowed any harm to come to her. She may yet still be hurt, physically, later in the arc though: https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/171823786347/when-were-back-to-present-do-you-think-ourciel

Overall, about this arc: https://midnight-in-town.tumblr.com/post/174470576547/blue-sect-arc-what-we-need-answers-about

I answered you this once out of consideration for the amount of words in this ask, Anon. From now on, it’d be respectful if you could show the same consideration for all these years I spent blogging about this series, or I won’t answer you anymore.

Thank you for understanding.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

From Chin To Yon Rah (Part 30)

She knows that there is not a soul left in the world that cares for her. She knows it because if there was, someone would have reached out and taken her hand. Someone would have realized that she was slowly dying and they would have given her at least a little sip of water and a small morsel to eat. 

Nobody does. 

Because nobody cares. 

For all of its heat, she is certain that the Fire Nation is colder than the poles. 

No wonder she herself is so cold.

Her body aches and pains in ways she hadn’t thought possible. Dehydration leaves her muscles cramped without mercy. She puts one foot in front of the other, over and over. Her mind has grown numb to all else. Her head throbs and she has run out of sweat. She stumbles and pitches forward. She doesn’t have the energy to pick herself back up and so she drags herself on all fours. Crawling on her hands and knees. 

She doesn’t think of anything else, just of moving limb after limb until she finds herself at the base of a cliff. The Black Cliffs she realizes, faintly. She drags herself to the shoreline, tears welling in her eyes. 

She greedily laps at the water, feeling just as uncivilized as she has become. She thinks that there is nothing left of who she had been. Nothing good anyhow. She is certain that she has still retained and regained all of the most unsavory bits. 

After helping herself to copious amounts of water, she lets her body fall limp. Arm outstretched, her fingers dip into the water. Water that laps gently at the sand. The cliffs tower high above her, shadows washing over her. Atop them, short strands of grass sway and swish. A fuzzy green to adorn the otherwise craggy landscape.She bunches herself up; at the very least she will have a nice view to go with her death.

She doesn’t expect to wake up but she does. And she awakes to familiar pains. At least she is no longer thirsty, at least the water cools her body. At least she can refill the waterskin. But how terribly her stomach pangs. And the sun burns on her skin sear a bright red. Her skin is already peeling in places, she feels even less human.

She climbs to her feet anyhow, dizzy, swaying. 

She walks for miles, empty headed, reduced to nothing but the aches in her stomach and feet. The throbbing of her head. 

She isn’t going to make it, she isn’t sure why she is trying. 

She wonders if her corpse will be found and if she will be buried respectfully or unceremoniously. Perhaps her body will rot where it falls…

Approaching from the other direction, she sees the first people that she had encountered in days...weeks? 

She wonders if it would make a difference to tell them that she is their princess.

She recalls her haggard state and wonders if they’d believe her.

She approaches them.

She opens her mouth. She knows that she had.

But the blackness overtakes her--she isn’t sure if she had gotten any word out. Her body, spent and at its limit trembles all over even in sleep. She doesn’t wake up for some time. And when she does, she wakes alone. Alone and somewhere entirely new. 

Her heart thunders in her chest; where have they taken her? Is she dead? It’s dark. She chokes out a little sob. She doesn’t know where she is or how she got there. She shivers; what if she has gotten herself mixed up with the slave traders? Agni, can’t the universe at least let her die a free woman?

But her hands, her ankles...they aren’t bound.

Curiously, her middle doesn’t ache quite as terribly. They, whoever they are, must have fed her. 

Azula sits up and the tarp falls away. She looks around and her eyes fall upon a stocky man with a full beard and ample eyebrows. “What…?” She gestures to the tarp. The man catches it before it can blow away entirely.

“It was to keep the sun off of you.” The man says gruffly. He is a soldier. She thinks that she recognizes him. She can’t put a name to a face right now, neither can she put it to a memory.

Still shaking, she rakes her hands through her hair. 

Her hair!

Her dismay must have registered on her face because the man states plainly, “Matted. We wouldn’t have been able to comb it so we cut it.”

She falls back to the floor of the cart. It doesn’t matter. Long, lustrous hair is for the dignified anyways. She bunches herself back up. 

“We’ll take you as far as the outskirts of Caldera City, then you fend for yourself.” 

She manages a small nod but inquires, “why did you pick me up at all?”

“We’re not savages. We’re trying to show the world that the Fire Nation isn’t cruel.” The soldier shrugs.

But compared to everywhere else that she has been, it is. Very much so. 

“But we’re not about to give rewards to someone like you.”

“Like me?” It is an impulse to ask.

“Dirty. Dumb. Useless. You haven’t earned your keep.”

And now she recognizes him. He had been one of Admiral Zhao’s subordinates. Arrogant and dumber than he thinks she. She has earned her keep more than thrice over. It isn’t her fault that the universe keeps stealing it away from her. 

It isn’t her fault that the universe has a vendetta against her specifically. That it is trying to give her the fill of bad luck she had missed. Maybe in another fourteen years--maybe eleven to twelve if the years she has suffered already count--she will fall into another era of fortune. 

Maybe if she can last that long.

“You gonna get a job when you get to the outskirts or are you gonna…”

She doesn’t have the patience to listen to him anymore. Doesn’t have the patience for small minded assumptions and baseless judgements. She doesn’t have the emotional energy to deal with her own former ideals thrown back at her again. And again. And again…

She isn’t sure how many times she has to pay for them.

When it will end. 

When the world will finally acknowledge that she is doing her best. That she isn’t evil through and through; that she is just a woman who wants a home and peace of mind…

The rocking of the cart jars and unsettles her.

She thinks that she has learned it quite a while back but more subtly, kindly; that day she learns not to sneer at those who are down on their luck. She doesn’t know them. They don’t know her.

.oOo.

She is almost overwhelmed by how much attention she is getting. Mostly it is from Sokka who holds her as close as he physically can. But it is from Zuko too, who fixes her some tea (“just the way uncle always makes it!”) and from TyLee who gushes over what a caring mother she is until her cheeks grow red. It comes from Mai who brings her scrolls to read and occupy her mind with. From the servants and Lo and Li...

Caihong hasn’t spoken with her since she delivered the bad news nearly four days ago. 

“Trust me. Children are just like that.” Ursa insists. “She’ll come around.” 

But Azula hadn’t. 

She still hasn’t. 

She is still angry with the woman. 

The woman who had left her feeling neglected and hated for much of her life. The woman who, with uncle in tow, finally made her appearance--and at the worst possible time--two days prior. 

And yet the woman has her hand on the small of her back and rubs in small circles. At least Iroh knows to keep his distance. But really, aside from the lashing of her tongue, there isn’t a particular risk in pestering her. 

Ursa reaches out and grazes her fingers over the scar on Azula’s neck. The princess flinches back and her mother grimaces. 

“What happened, dear?”

“Ask Zuzu.” She is so tired and she doesn’t feel like explaining it again. She really doesn’t feel like dealing with more pity. 

“She’s been through a lot.” Sokka takes his seat at the edge of the bed. “And she can use some fresh air. Let's go for a walk, Azula.”

“I’d rather not.”

“You shouldn’t just sit in your room all day.”

“I’m not. I leave occasionally to get something to eat and have my bath…” 

“What about to socialize?”

Azula crinkles her nose and he laughs. She is in utter distress and he is laughing. “Talking to people isn’t that bad. Look how nice all of the Earth Kingdomers were to you.” He gestures to her journal. 

She takes it in her hands and stares at it for sometime before shoving it into Ursa’s arms. “Talk to me when you’re done reading it.” 

“Azula--!?”

“You haven’t even read the first page yet.” She scoffs. 

“You shouldn’t be so mean to your--”

Azula cuts him a glare.

“Strawberry garden, let’s check on that.” This time it is a nervous laugh. 

She grabs his hand and quite roughly. She doesn’t mean to be so rough, but he doesn’t even flinch. Caihong is already in the garden when they arrive, babbling away with TyLee. She holds Bao up with a delighted squeal. 

Azula sits down next to the child who turns around with a “hmph!” 

“Oh come on, Caihong,” TyLee tries, “Azula really wants to talk to you. She cares about you a lot.”

Caihong folds her arms, “nuh-uh, she makes me sad.” 

Azula’s stomach flutters. 

“Sometimes bad things happen, Cai.” Sokka tries. “She didn’t make this thing happen she was only telling you what happened.” He pauses. “Don’t you think you would have been sadder if that bad guy took you back to WuJing and no one was there?”

Caihong’s pout grows. 

“At least now you have me and TyLee and Zuko and…” He lifts her up and turns her around to face Azula, “you have a mom.”

“My mom died.” She says plainly, fidgeting with Bao’s claws. “‘S not fair.” 

“No kidding…” Sokka mutters. “My mom died too. Sometimes there are just bad people, Caihong. And they take really good people away. But there are lots of other good people and you have to talk to them.” He scoops her up and plops her into Azula’s lap. 

“But…”

“Is Azula a bad person?” TyLee asks.

Azula cringes at the question coming from her.

“Did she do something bad to you?”

Caihong looks up at her with those bright green eyes and shakes her head. 

“Did she do something good for you?”

Another glance is accompanied by an affirmative nod. “Lots of good things.” Caihong mumbles into Bao’s head. 

“So why are you mad at her?” Sokka asks. 

Caihong thinks for a moment, “she told me about the bad people.”

“And you didn’t want to hear it?”

Caihong shakes her head again. 

“Would you have rather heard it from someone else?”

Another head shake. This time her little fingers curl around Azula’s hand. 

“Do you still want Azula to be your mommy!?” TyLee clasps her hands together. 

Caihong pauses, squeezing and squeezing Azula’s hand before nodding once more.  Caihong nuzzles her cheek against Azula’s chest and Azula holds her close. She strokes at the child’s hair. “Bao and I were having a cave adventure.” 

“A cave adventure?”

“Mmhmm, see.” Caihong points at a small hole that she dug right in the middle of Azula’s strawberry garden. The princess sighs. 

“Did you find anything in the caves?”

“Rubies!” She declares, gesturing to the slain corpses of her strawberries. 

“Those rubies weren’t ready to be mined yet.” She mumbles. 

She isn’t sure why, but Caihong laughs. People, she decides, laugh at the strangest things. “You can plant more rubies, mom!” 

Mom…

Mother…

She could have had so much…

.oOo.

Even after tucking a newly happy and babbling Caihong in, Azula is very quiet. Sullen and withdrawn. Sokka sets a platter of roast duck on her nightstand, “you didn’t come to dinner?”

“I’m not hungry, Sokka.”  She doesn’t look away from the ceiling. She absently toys with the curtains draped over her bed. He doesn’t push her this time, though he decides that he will be delivering an extra nice breakfast to her in the morning. He lays himself down next to her. He very nearly springs back up, unsure if they have reached a point where she is comfortable with him laying on her bed. But she rolls over and reaches for his hand. 

“You haven’t even changed out of your day clothes.” He observes. 

She gives a slight shrug, “they’re comfortable enough. I’ve…”

“Slept in worse?” He rolls his eyes. 

She nods. 

“You’re going to be alright, Azula.” He promises. 

“Perhaps.” 

He sighs, they have been so focused on reassuring Caihong that he has forgotten to comfort Azula. He is certain that the princess has been neglecting herself too. “Ya know, everything we said about family applies to you too? Do you want Caihong to be your child?” 

“Of course, Sokka. I wouldn’t have gone through all of that trouble if I didn’t.” 

“Do you…” He swallows. “Do you want a new lover? A new husband?”

She is quiet for a very long time but she doesn’t withdraw her hand. “I don’t want to replace Hajime.” 

“I don’t want to replace him.” Sokka replies. “I want you to talk about him and tell me about him. But I want to be Sokka, I don’t want to take you on the kinds of dates Hajime took you on, I want to…”

She presses her fingers to his lips. “You talk too much. I got the point the first time.” She rolls back onto her back. “I know that you aren’t replacing anyone. You are Sokka. That’s good enough for me.” 

He takes his chances with moving closer to her. Having success, he slides his arm around her waist. She is quiet for another long span. It might have left him feeling anxious had she not let him trace his finger over the line of the scar on her belly. It is rougher in comparison to her otherwise delicate skin. 

“I don’t think that ‘good enough’, is exactly the right phrase.” She speaks again. “It’s…” she trails off. “It’s something new and it’s...it’s just as special.”  

[crearuru]

Bravely Default II, Martha x Adelle Chapter 1?

Spoilers for Chapter 3 through the end of the game chapter 6. Word count: 3,113. A lot. Like a lot. I'd count but tumblr wont let me copy paste the whole thing at once and its 4 am

Everyone knows Rhimedhal's winters are colder than the deepest ocean, and that the freezing winds could cut with a fury matching the most skilled skilled of mages. Of course, reading about it was one thing, but to a certain fairy from as sheltered and temperate an environment as Mag Mell, the thought to dress properly for the cold came far too late.

I knew it would be cold, but this is just ridiculous! If my wings were out they'd freeze before I could even get off the ground... Adelle pondered if keeping her disguise intact was worth the freezing cold. Surely, no one being around would allow her to drop her guard... but could she ever truly know who was watching? She'd set out to find her sister knowing she would need to lay low, but dressed for warmth as she was, and with such low visibility, she admitted she desperately needed shelter. She couldn't risk alienating herself from any nearby humans who might spot her braving the storm.

Even the monsters are hunkered down, she thought bitterly to herself. And where was this Rhimedhal town supposed to be, anyways? Surely she should've reached it by now... But she had to keep moving. Had to find somewhere to rest. The wind buffeted her, the ice it carried leaving shallow slices across her exposed midsection. The blizzard had arrived so suddenly, and her memory of the beautiful, gentle snowy night that it interrupted was far from a priority now. Leaving the Wayward Woods was something she needed to do, for her sister, but it was too late to return and beg for more supplies. She wondered how she would ever find those flowers she promised to bring back for her dear friend if she froze out here.

Is that... A cave? A section of darkness ahead, when the blinding white snow clung to everything else brought Adelle's heart a renewed vigor. She would not fall so soon into her journey, not to something as simple as the weather. As she tucked into the Serpent's Grotto, she lit a small fire and set up a tent. She would need to hunker down until the storm passed, which could take anywhere from hours... to weeks. As she regained feeling in her extremities, she realized the wind would blow out her fire if she did not go deeper.... and monsters within the cave may ambush her if she did not take caution. But first... she needed rest. Just an hour or two, and she would be fine. She wasn't in direct path of the wind, for she was behind an outcropping in the cave. She had some time to recover before pressing on.

And so, Adelle slept. Cold, hungry, and exhausted... But not alone. She dreamt of brown hair, of eyes locked upon her with a determination that matched her own, of flashes of silver and pink just out of the fire's light...

And the subject of these dreams knew she was there. Martha had asked Master Gwidyion if someone was coming, and he more than confirmed it. But was the stranger friend, or foe? That is what Martha set to find out. As she prowled the Grotto, her jaw firmly set, her eyes sharp and focused, she wondered if this visitor understood the ground upon which they trespassed. Were they here for the Lord of Dragons? To help? To harm? Master Gwydion had been sick for a while, and Martha worried he may not have much time left. Gwilym was next to inherit the position, but he was young. Needed time. Martha had served Master Gwydion for most of her life, as did her father before her, and his father, and so on. To neglect opportunities to extend his time on Excillant would just not do.

Having taken care of a few troublesome spirits, Martha reached the entrance to the cave. She saw a gray haired girl, in blue and grey, around her age, who she was surprised to see had not succumbed to the cold. Wearing a short shirt and loose pants in a blizzard? Sure, Martha wasn't exactly the picture of bundling up right now, but that was the result of the Dragoon asterisk! She wouldn't leave her midsection exposed to the cold if she weren't the Dragoon guardian, especially not going out into the blizzard full force. Looking closer, she noticed the girl was cut up something awful. The ice in the air had done quite the number on her face and torso. Foe or not, Martha knew she wouldn't likely make it without treatment. Not without some severe frostbite, at least. Eyeing the girl curiously, she picked her up and set her upon her broad shoulder. They would both do nicely with a warm cup of the good stuff in Gwydion's chambers. Then maybe she could ask about the intent behind her trespass.

Adelle opened her eyes to a brightly lit room, filled with greenery, sunlight coming in from the top of the chamber. It was so... warm. She smiled for a moment, content and warm, before feeling the bandages upon her face and stomach.

"Where... Where am I?" Adelle wasn't really expecting an answer, but she heard a calm, regal voice echo in her head.

"You are safe, child of... No? How very... interesting..." Looking up, Adelle saw a massive, silvery dragon, looking down upon her with piercing, yet gentle, red eyes. He seemed almost to take up the whole chamber, and yet he did not feel imposing. The weariness in his voice softened his aura considerably. Her mouth agape, she patted herself along her upper and lower back, wanting to ensure her wings were still hidden. After reassuring herself she would have felt herself revert to her true form, she turned her gaze back to the dragon. "Are you a..."

Martha, piping up from beside the massive beast, let out a quick laugh. "A dragon? Why yes, he is. This is Master Gwydion, and I am his guardian and caretaker, Martha." The brunette smiled, and despite the protective aura seemingly emitting off her, it was a kind and sincere one. But there was an edge to her voice as she continued, "You are trespassing on sacred ground. None are permitted here, in order to keep Master Gwydion, Lord of Dragons, Lord of Rhimedhal safe. State your business, or I'm afraid my act of bandaging your wounds may go to waste."

So it was Martha that bandaged these... Adelle idly traced her fingers along a particularly long stretch of red on her bandaged torso. She must have got cut up worse than she had thought from that ice. "I thought dragons were supposed to be creatures of myths to-" she caught herself. She did not want to find out if humans still carried murderous intent towards her kind. She had heard they would lie, cheat, betray and attack. But this one had bandaged her wounds...? "I thought dragons were supposed to be creatures of myth."

Gwydion's laughter rang through the chamber. There was no malice in it; it was a laugh like that of one who has reconnected with a long lost friend. "I am not the only one here who could claim connection to myth! But, I shall keep this secret for the time being."

Shit, Adelle thought, he's onto me. But at least... she turned her head to look at the woman beside the massive dragon. She definitely appeared to be human. The village fairies had told her that humans had "genders"; "males" were broad and deep of voice, "females" supposedly higher and... Well, there were many differences purported between the two. Adelle observed Martha's strong arms, her tender grip on her spear, the sparkle in her eyes. She couldn't see anything that would help her confirm or deny the accounts of the village fairies. "Men" were "he", "women" were "she"... Maybe asking along those lines would help her keep things straight for maintaining cover.

"Martha?" The brunette looked deep into Adelle, unblinking pools of emerald green. There was caution given towards the fairy in disguise, although she of course had no reason to believe Adelle was anything other than human. Rather, she suspected her motives for coming here. Perhaps there may be something she could do to-

"Martha!"

Martha snapped out of her brainstorming of ways to prove good or ill will for a moment. Her gaze had been returned this whole time.

"Yes?" She asked Adelle through her teeth. Surely no one would come to kill the Lord of Dragons without so much as a winter coat, right? But that brings up the question of what kind of person could make it this far into the Rhimedhal region without freezing to death or prepping properly. The girl's fortitude was certainly-

"Are you-" Adelle caught herself. She needed to phrase this in a way that wouldn't make her look like someone who doesn't know what a "woman" is. "What are your pronouns?"

Martha took a moment to process this. Just what kind of girl gets all cut up in the ice and wind, collapses on sacred and forbidden ground, gets brought to see a dragon, a DRAGON, a deity on earth, and takes the time to ask someone's pronouns before addressing any of the above! Was she trying to strike a nerve? Had she simply forgotten to shave? Martha knew the Dragoon outfit might make her look like a tryhard, some had gone so far as to whisper she was a... a... there were some rather unkind statements going around about her appearance since she'd been dressed in Dragoon, but she was a priest! ....a priest... Right. And should priests not assume sincerity until proven otherwise?

Martha took a breath, then let out a long, slow exhale. "I appreciate your consideration in not assuming. It's quite... modern of you. But, as I've drilled into the townsfolks' heads already, I am a woman. She/her is fine... What about yours? And your name? I can hardly dance around saying it forever."

Adelle was no better off than she had been before. She knew fairies couldn't tell men and women apart, but had she commited a faux pas? Maybe humans and gender weren't so straightforward as the texts implied. Gender was certainly seeming more and more to be more trouble than it was worth. She looked herself over, then at Martha. They both had similar figures, would it be a mistake to use she/her as well? Fairies had "Queens", and "Ladies", which texts about humans her sister Edna had shown her seemed to line up with she/her. She'd planned to go by that set since she set out, but seeing a human be so testy about it was giving her second thoughts.

"My name is Adelle. I am... also a woman. She/her is what I use as well." Phew. Nailed it. Martha's face had softened, and her cover wasn't blown.

Martha was perplexed. Something about Adelle's response gave her pause, but she was at least glad that she hadn't been incorrectly assuming. Those who live in Dragon's Grotto should not throw stones.

"So, Adelle... What business leaves one so woefully unprepared for the cold as yourself frozen half to death on the Lord of Dragon's doorstep? Why didn't you go to town first, or button up?"

There it was. Her first test of her cover story. Heavens only knew how the human would react if she found out Adelle was a fairy.

"I'm... A travelling mercenary. I'm looking for my sister, Edna. She ran off from our hometown, and stole some... very important town heirlooms. Leaving town is not something one normally does, but I needed to track her down. I need answers."

That should be good enough for Martha, right? Adelle stared intently at her, just waiting to see how she took the bait. She hated lying, but... There was a lot more in her future. She would just have to suck it up. She noticed the light shift as she looked over Martha, the twinkle gleaming off her armor, the tail protruding from her back that swayed as she shifted her weight from one leg to the other, the tone to her voice that reminded her of the wind through holes in trees, or water running down the river, the way her emerald eyes looked like the bottom of her favorite crystal clear, mossy lake. She looked so much... prettier, than she expected humans to be. Humans were supposed to be scary, and while this one had indeed made implications of a threat, she had not attacked. She had even bandaged Adelle's wounds...

"Adelle, are you listening?" Adelle snapped out of her trance. "What, Martha? I just responded, d-didn't I?"

Martha shook her head, her long brown hair falling in front of her face, obscuring a soft grin. "I said, what hometown would leave you unprepared for the cold? You could have frozen to death."

"We're... An isolationist town. Not on any map. We stay in one place, so I was not expecting the cold to be so... Penetrating. Reading about it is different than the real thing.

"What do you mean, reading about it? Have you never seen snow before?"

"No, I'd only ever read about it."

Martha's heart sank for the poor girl. The snow and cold were bitter, and deadly if not respected, but to live a life without snow... Without seeing the mountains in spring, as the snow atop the permafrost melts and feeds small rivers... It simply would not do.

"That settles it. As soon as this blizzard ends, I need you to do me a favor."

Adelle hesitated. She really needed to get back to finding her sister. There's no telling what could go wrong if she couldn't track down the asterisks. Though, Martha's outfit seemed familiar somehow...

"I need you to go east, and collect some herbs for Master Gwydion. His health is fading, and these herbs can extend his time left on this plane. But if you bring them back, we will each bestow upon you a favor.

Gwydion spoke, softly but firmly: "I believe I know the service you wish me to provide, Martha. I can provide it. Adelle, if you can bring me these herbs, I will have enough strength left in me to scout for the potential whereabouts of your sister. There are some familiar feelings your presence brings that reminds me of Martha. I'm certain your sister will provide that same trace."

Martha was unsure of the "energy" her Master was talking about, but she did feel an attachment to Adelle. She was quite pretty, yes, but it was more than that. Her asterisk... Adelle and the Dragoon asterisk both gave Martha a sense of.... she.... she couldn't find the words for it. She had guarded Gwydion for years, for juuuuust under a couple decades, even, but the Asterisk was a recent acquisition. The Archbishop had given it to her just a half year ago, and it had given her a sense of self that mere satisfaction with one's purpose could not.

"Master Gwydion is correct, for the part I know he can provide. But I have something to provide as well. If you retrieve the herbs we need, I will show you a beautiful sight. You must see the snow from the way I can see it."

Adelle was confused. The way she could see it?

"And until the blizzard dies down... I hope you don't mind me offering, well, your own offering, but i rummaged through your tent before bringing you in here, and well... I saw you brought firewine."

Damn it! Adelle cursed herself. She knew she should've remembered to take a swig before passing out. No wonder she looked and felt so cold. Not to understate how cold it was outside, but firewine definitely would've helped warm her up inside the cave.

"Would it be alright if we shared a bottle? I see you've definitely stocked your supplies before this journey, oh ho ho!" Martha winked as she said this, to indicate the teasing nature. She... Some part of her wished to extend goodwill towards this trespasser. She had not yet made a move of hostility to Gwydion, nor his son sleeping near his tail, and she was, frankly, dying for company. Tending to the dragons was her life's work, and she would not trade it for the world, but living on sacred ground was terribly stifling to one's social life. The pleasures of the flesh, such as fine food, wine, even the touch of another human's hand on hers... She missed them. If only she knew Adelle wasn't a human, ah?

Adelle's stomach rumbled. She was cold, but no longer freezing. The innermost chamber of the cave was warm enough to support plants, but the chill from her stint outside had yet to fully leave her. She dreaded to think of what she might let slip after partaking, buuuuuut.... It was good to get some practice in. If she really planned on getting work to support her sister-hunt, she would need to get as much practice in with humans as possible.

"What the hell, sure. To a hopefully well spent winter?"

"To a winter well spent, indeed." Martha began to pour them each a glass, and they began to dine. There was fresh meat, berries, fruit, and edible flowers (Martha understood the meat, but wondered how anything else could be this fresh at this time of year). A few glasses in, they both loosened their tongues some. Martha told of the years spent training for the role of Guardian from a young age, and Adelle came up with fantastical stories about the escapades of her and her best friend from Mag Mell... She of course left out any identifying details of fairy status, or names. Flight stories were out as well. Humans walked everywhere. It was slow and exhausting. They dranks and sang, ate, partook in games, danced... and danced, and danced, and danced. There was something about their eyes meeting, the tipsy laughs they shared... Adelle thought that maybe humans aren't as scary as they were led to believe. She knew her sister loved humans, and she could see why. Spinning Martha around until she got dizzy was a real hoot. But when the night was done, they did not retire to bed, so much as fall down one after the other, asleep. Gwylim tried to wrest at least Martha to her usual patch of moss, but they had collapsed over one another and were snoring soundly. Surely, if Martha had reservations about Adelle, they would be gone on the morrow.

[popculturebuffet]

Green Eggs and Ham: “Train” Review or A Little Better Now (Patreon Review for Emma Fici)

Hello you happy people and all aboard! We’re back on the Green Eggs and Ham Train for a Train themed episode. Train. As you can tell I like trains... admitely I don’t see enough episodes et on them and I don’t buy books or obess on them but I like the idea of a train, the comfort, the use of a mode of travel that was once common but is now simply used on occasion with the dawn of air travel, and it confining our heroes to a smaller space with limited room to move. it’s good stuff. I even tolerae the band train... I mean yes their music is okay at best, but the lyrics.. are wonderfully delightfully insane. Who else would use a garbage bag as a genuine romantic metaphor?

When last we left off things ere a bit ehhhhhhhhhhh: Sam went from delightfully quirky with some issues ot adress to annoying, and Michelle went from kin dof a bitch ot ENTIRELY THAT BITCH. Outside of Guy’s mental breakdown/heatstroke episode involving hallucinations of green eggs and ham, yes that did in fact happen, it wasn’t much to write home about and I worried the series simply had a good PILOT but the series itself wasn’t going to be fun sit through. 

If I was right or I was rilla.. will have to wait till after the cut. But first as always i’d like to thank the person who payed for this episode Emma Fici. Emma is one of my closest friends and one of two patreon patreons. If you’d like a reivew of your choice eveyr month guarnateed, then please hop over to patreon.com/popculturebuffet and back me at the 5 dollar level. You also get access to my exclusive discord where I ocasoinally post about work in progress stuff and tlak to my falns, to pick a short any time I do one and EXCLUSIVE review, as well as helping me hit my stretch goals. So line up, sign up then join me under the cut. 

So we pick up where we left off with Guy hurtling into a lake. Eh I dunno i’ve heard being naked ina  lake is pretty neat. 

All you’d have to do is take off the hat and your there. But Sam saves him wiht the weird train of hats he put at the end of the car for some reason, and our heroes are saved.. but down a vehicle. Oh and Sam’s vehiclular neglgence costs a bunch of fish their home.

And our heroes are without a car and Guys at the end of his rope with Sam.. I mean granted he’s been there since he met the guy but it’s down to like the tiniest thred, not helped by Sam casually stealing his wallet to pay for train tickets depsite Guy , UNDERSTANDABLY, not wanting to hang out with the guy who has stolen with him, gotten him implicate din animal trafficing and dosen’t really respect personal space. Also it’s taken me embarassingly long to remember Micheal Douglas played my boy Hank Pym in the Ant Man and the Wasp films. Seroiusly I don’t know HOW I forgot that, him being aged up and thus unable to do ANY of the things he is constnatly denied credit for in canon (Founding the avengers, being the first ant man.. and the first goliath and the first yellow jacket and the first giant man.. and the only doctor pym...).. but instead the film kept his troubled nature and ego, but removed the domestic abuse (which is something I will not go into but needless to say the comics version went above and beyond to try and make up for that and redeem himself soley because it was the right hting to do) and by making im older still gav ehim a roll as Scott’s mentor. What i’m getting at is I freaking love Hank Pym and I could’ve been making hank pym jokes for several episdoes now. That’s a mistake I itned to recitfy.. right away as Guy looses his suitcase as a result of it and whie he lcaims not to be bothered his voice says otherwise. Eh i’m sure the world can wait for ultron Guy. 

So anyway, Guy reluctantly agrees to the train travel idea and being parked across from Sam on the grounds he has no real other options. Meanwhile the BAD GUYZ.. and i’ve also decided to drop spoilers as the series is two years old, most people reading this have probably seen the series, and it makes analysis rough when I have to dance around spoilers. So yeah the BAD GUYZ aren’t villians.. kind of a dickhead on the blue guys part, but not EVIL. They figure out their going by train it’s a whole thing.

ON the train we run into michelle again...

Yeahhh for the first half she’s as inusfferable as she was the last two episodes and it lead me to believie the rest of the series was going to be constant suffering as she’d be in every episode, likely because they DID get Diane Keaton for this and you don’t waste Diane Keaton. You just don’t. But while they got their money’s worth in having her on screne wise they just..w asted her for the first 2 and a half episodes: Michelle is a judgemental, unpleasnt suffocating bitch and it’s going to take a lot , even if this episode helped, to make me truly like her as a person. 

Case in point her first two scenes this episode are just.. dragging her daughter past a play place uncarring about her feelings because while I DO get she cares about her child’s saftey and is terrified afte rloosing her husband.. it dosen’t EXCUSE her actions. It dosen’t forgive her locking her daughter up constanlty, not talking to her like a human being and oh yeah PUTTING A FUCKING LOCK ON HER SHE CAN CONTROL.  I mean my god I don’t think they INTENDED for her to come off as abusive as she does, and i’ve seen far worse inteitonally and untietionally, but it’s still not remotely plesant. There is a larger issue baked into that the episode brings about, but we’ll get to that. 

And naturally at breakfast.. she procedes to top herself. ONCE AGAIN she treats guy like trash as guy UNDERSTANDABLY didn’t want to talk to her after her previous layers of bullshit which, just as a refresher, involved insulting his invention constnatly (even if it turned out ot be dangerous she did not know that till the last second) then refusing to help a man BAKING in the desert and mocking him to his face. 

So yeah unsuprisingly instead of you know, APOLOGIZING for that episode or anything else she mocks him again and calls him sad. I just.. I get they were trying to have her come off as a jerk and then slowly develop.. but you can’t overdue the jerk part. It has to be juts the right amount and if it is this much there has to be a commpuance. There is none as far as I can tell because god is a spiteful two faced prick. 

So naturally Sam forces the two parties together, and orders green eggs and ham for everyone, except guy who refuses. We do get a really great bit though as EB turns down the idea and we get a tremendous rant from Micheal Douglas as he talks about how a girl in his clash, veyr likely just him, got a rash from tring new things and you shouldn’t and to watch out for the scarlet beetle he’ll steel your ants and try to conquer your planet and is not a guy in a costume but in fact an actual beetle. EB naturally tries it. 

We get a brief interlude with Snerz that’s funny enough: he outright calls his visotrs flunkies, they enter to the song money, and his minon throws dollar bills at their feet. I imagine this is what visitng Mar a Largo is like. They turn up his noses until he mentions getting a chickarffe for his animal crutelty wall. And i’m torn about Snerz. On one hand he can be generally entertaining in his dickery.. but ont he other I do question why he’s in EVERY episode. We don’t NEED him in eveyr one and I feel he’s only in them because Eddie Izzard was expensive so they had to get him as a regular to justify the cost. We really DONT’ need this scene funny as it is and it adds nothing so far. Maybe i’m wrong and these guys end up being important. I don’t know. 

So yeah so far this episode was miserable getting through and I expected it to be another long sit... I was wrong. The second half.. is really damn good and reminded me why I liked this series so much. No really. We get two stories,both really good following one half of each pair teaming up. As for why their split Guy is annoyed with Sam, as well as dosen’t want him letting the chickaraffe out because you know lots of people dosen’t want ot go to jail and leaves to find a quiet place to work on watching paint dry while Michelle tucks a sleeping EB in, her first really truly humanizing moment, which should NOT have taken three episodes but hey, i’ll take it, and goes to find the same.

So starting with Sam and EB, naturally Sam takes all of a minute to let his buddy out and it gets loose on top of the train. EB hears the familiar sound and gives chase and the two meet properly. After Sam covers for his buddy and realizes the creature is asleep in his car safe now, he properly talks to EB and we get a truly magical sequnece: The two talk with Sam whoelheartdly supporting her free spirit and finally giving the girl what she badly needed: someone who treated her not as something to be tied down but you know.. a child who just wants some expression and as she literally lets her hair down, It’s truly adorable and it just has a magical quanitity as they enjoy the beautiful view from the train top. 

Granted this takes at urn later when EB brings up her mom, and Sam.. supports her mom, pointing out she’s just looking out for her.. which she is but in a deeply unehalthy way and I don’t like the show just.. brushing over Michelle’s terrible actions because “she’s her mom”. But it’s also hard to tell if they are: Sam’s mom left him as we’ll find out, so he likely colors his memories of her rosey and simply envys EB still HAVING hers. It’s not BAD stuff but I don’t like a work saying “You should love your family just beacause your related”. Instead of because they lovea nd support you and if they dont’ love you or treat you remotely well or don’t give an ass about you fuck them. Thankfully I DO love my family and have no issues with them, my immediate family at least, but i’ve had friens with downright abusive or neglectful parents. It’s not that black and white. Ducktales also hammered in the family theme but was transparent in how it can me messy, harm each other and that it took true love and consideratoin for it to work at it’s core. 

It’s still not a terrible scene and what comes next is neat as earlier it was shown the train has loops, because Seussworld, and now that’s a problem because their on top of it. Michelle’s jail braclet thing ends up coming in handy the first loop, as while she can’t unstick it means she and sam can suririvie it. They do get it loose, turns out the password was indeed password, because of course, and they end up narrowly suriving a roller coaster bit of track, with the help of MR. Jenkins who I can finally name because EB names her in the next scene. Understanding her need for a pet, Sam deputizes her, and gets her back in bed in time for the next plot. 

Speaking of which winding back a bit as these two go back and forth, Guy goes through two rather hilarious cars: First a bath car that has a bubsby berkely style water number and then a model train car.. with the train on the track showing guy watching guy watchin gthe train etc. 

It’s great. Guy ends up finding the quiet car.. and Michelle. And in her first scene of acting like a human being and not if julie powers was a soccer mom, Michelle, while standosfish as usual, not only unites with guy to shush a loud guy in the car, but is genuinely apricative when Guy helps her get her place back, she was doing some literal bean counting. 

The two genuinely hit it off, first with some adorable silent bits and then by talking, with Michelle appreciating his now safer job and warming up to him. Keaton and Douglas have GENUINE chemestry and it annoys me itt took the series this long to use that instead of wasting Diane Keaton on being 

It’s really great stuff and i’m actually rooting for the two.. once she gets her shit together obviously. Guy does make the mistake of lying abotu knowing about the chikcaraffe.

This ends up being bad as he finds out EB knows the next day and after she leaves the car RIGHTFULLY tears the fuck into same for getting him accused of crime, stealing from him and now puttin ghim in a precarious situation. While Guy DID lie, he idd so well meaningly and trying to impress someone whose ineherntly judgmeental. Douglas also does REALY well in the scene, calling sam out but it dosen’t feel cruel.. it’s justified. While guy is miserable and does need to work on himself.. Sam also needs to work on himself and is putting guy in serious danger just by forcing him into his animal smuggling scheme. 

So Guy leaves.. and naturally given the unvierse hate shim runs into the BAD GUYZ, who aren’t much better. No really they refuse to belieive guy might be innocent, use excessive force on everyone. They have better GOALS than sam but I woudln’t really call them good people. Smash to black and we’re out. 

Final Thoughts:  This one was better. As I said the first half or rather third drags slightly but once we get to the two seperate plotlines it’s REALLY damn good stuff and reminded me what the series was capable of in character in creativity. Hopefully it keeps this up

Next Time on the Blog: We return to mewni for the penultimate chapter of season 3 as Moon and Eclipsa have some fundemtnal disgareemnts on how to handle Meteora that wind up costing both dearly. 

See you at the next rainbow