#anyway sorry to all my blorbos for the things i put them through to indulge this weird fiction-kink i didnt even realise i had

[nostalgia-tblr]

just realised - i enjoy it when blorbos feel guilt. even about things i reckon could be justified to some extent, and things where i'd do the same myself in their shoes. i like making them sit about feeling bad for things they did, even (god, ESPECIALLY!) when they're the hero of the story. i enjoy their moral angst and their endless suffering.

what the fuck's that about then, eh?

[bebx]

Sorry to bother you with this ask. I hope it's not inappropriate (you don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable.)

To put things shortly: I like whump (and, among other things, you're a great wump writer and a nice person, which is why i turned to your ask box). I love hurt/comfort fics where the blorbos i ship go through hell and back only to fall (back) in each other's arms (and, yeah, I love a happy ending).

I've always thought that the *feels* I get come from me worrying about them, from how moved by their resilience I am and, of course, by how worried/protective/feral their partner gets (+ the comfort and reassurance that comes after). I saw it as a "normal" reader (or writer) experience to have such stories move your guts.

Only, recently, I've seen people talk about what they call their "whump awakening" aka the first time they felt "whumpflies", usually between the age 4 and 10. And I realised it happened to me as well.

I can't help to see in those "whumpflies" some kind of s3xual thing (or is it not? and is it something everyone experience to different levels?) and came to see myself as some kind of p3rv' who's been revelling in the suffering of other since a young age. Like what I thought came from my crying at how much they love each other/at how brave they are was just me craving for crude pain. What I thought was some normal reader experience (feel for the characters) was just me mind m4sturbating? I thought I cared and liked my ships and characters which made me feel the feels but was it all a smokescreen?

I do know I have a kink for loss of consciousness (as a fantasy only!!) but, although it may seem hypocritical since when i indulge in it, the scenarii leading to it are mostly whump, I always saw it as something different, definitely separated from my love for whump/hurt comfort (more like something to do with holding/releasing pressure, witnessing and allowing vulnerability).

I also realise that being on the ace spectrum this could be it: my entire s3xuality could only be watching people hurt???

I feel like i must precise that I do not wish to hurt anyone irl. (by the way, I don't especially feel like I want to hurt characters either, more like...put them in situations and be with them if it makes sense...but maybe it's all the same). And yes, I know it's perfectly ok to be into sm but I never really felt it was it?

Now I feel like my entire reality has been shattered. I have projects, fics in the makings, fics i'd like to read, but I'm afraid i'll never manage to do it again. I'm afraid all my assumptions are right and self disgust is all i'll ever be able to feel. I do not know if what I'm having is an panic attack for it's been more than a week now that i've been feeling like that and panic attacks are not supposed to be that long. I wanna scream, cry, stop thinking but i can't. All I manage to do is hold on to a pillow and keep breathing though not in a calm way. I can't sleep at night and i hardly manage to do it during the day.

I tried watching tv but keep thinkings of AU's ideas for fics I'm afraid i'll never be able to write again. Itried drawing but there's always a time i want to throw away the pen. I'm not working this week but i wouldn't manage to anyway. All I do is worry, scream internally, sob pathetically or eat - occasionally but probably too much at a time. I don't read my mails, only repeatedly reload me tumblr wall to see people post about ships and fandoms i crave to come back to but feel like i've lost (even a funny or innocently fluffy fanart doesn't seem to make my heart jump at this point) and it's tearing me down inside as it's such an important part of my life - of me!!

I am already taking pills to help with unrelated anxiety disorder so i can't just keep taking more! I live with my parents so I am not alone but how could i speak to them about it? I'd have to explain I write/read fic and make them understand how much it means to me. Then the part about s3x and my fears ...it's really difficult. I also have an appointment with my therapist next week so i probably should have waited instead of annoying you (which i am once again very sorry about) but this week has already been hell so the thought of waiting for another week was just too much. I am just so tired of being stressed and of hating me and of seeing no future

I just want things to go back to how they where but i can't seem to reconcile all those thoughts spiralling in my brain. I am lost and afraid. Imagining fics/plots has always been not only a joy and a passion but also a way to calm myself down and right now i can't do it and the thought of never being able to do it again is just killing me I...I'm sorry, i just wrote this all mess to you and wondering if with your knowledge and a calmer mind you could have any answer? advice? Experiences to share? i just had to write it down and reach out to someone for i felt like i might have exploded and I'm desperate enough to be annoying...

So thank you if you read it to this point and double thank you if you choose to answer, even if it's just to say you don't really know what to say!

Still wishing you a good day!!

hi, anon! so sorry you experience these feelings. firstly, I just wanted to let you know that you are not annoying me at all and that I deeply appreciate you thinking I’m a great writer who you trust enough to turn to with what’s been bothering you. secondly, your feelings — how you feel — are completely valid. I myself had my first “whump awakening” when I was at a very young age. I think it was when I was about 7 years old? I’m not entirely sure, but I was very young, and back then I didn’t know what it was called, only that I got these sense of euphoria whenever I imagined a scenario in which a character I liked, at that time, went through extreme physical pain, sustained severe injuries. I never told anyone about this, because I didn’t think they would understand. it wasn’t like I thought there was something “wrong” with me, but I did know that I was different than most of the kids my age, because most of them would react differently to the concept of, you know, pain and injuries (I didn’t know about the concept of whump back then.)

that being said, knowing what I know now, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with liking whump. I’m actually glad to know that there’s a whole community (precisely on tumblr) here where people who are into whump can talk about their experiences, their enjoyment, their whump awakening or even their own creations whether it be in terms of writing and/or drawing, etc. and I’m happy to know there are actually so many people who are also into whump.

now you mentioned you were recently convinced that whump is a sexual thing. I mean, to be honest, whump can be a sexual thing for some people (keywords; for some people, not everyone who enjoys whump sees whump as anything sexual-related at all) within the community. I mean, since there are so many people in this community, of course, some may be enjoying whump for sexual purpose, and that is not a bad thing either (as long as no one in real life is hurt or harmed in any way, of course).

from how I see it, it’s mostly people who aren’t in the whump community — aka people who don’t understand the concept of whump and think we are “red flags” for liking pain and suffering that are strictly fantasy / fictional — who tend to say “people who are enjoying whump are enjoying it because they’re perverts” which is not. true. at. all.

(sure, whump can be a sexual thing — a kink — for some people within the community. because whump is a fantasy, and there is no “wrong” way for one to enjoy the fantasy they creat in their minds and sometimes bring to life in the forms of writing and/or drawing. again, as long as no one in real life is hurt or harmed. so even if you — general you — enjoy whump because it’s your kink, it still doesn’t make you a pervert.)

I mean people can enjoy whump for entirely different reasons. some enjoy whump because for them whump is their kink. some use whump as a way to cope and recover from their trauma (whether or not it’s sexual). some just enjoy whump because they just like whump in a way that’s not sexual-related at all. for what it’s worth, I’ve actually seen a lot of people in the whump community who are asexual.

so what I’m saying is, different people enjoy whump for different reasons, and they all are valid.

if you’re asexual and you enjoy whump = you are completely valid.

if you (general you) enjoy whump because it’s a kink to you = you are completely valid.

if you enjoy whump because it’s your way of coping with your trauma = you are completely valid.

if you enjoy whump because you like it when your blorbos find their way back in earth other’s arms or when they’re taken care of after the pain they were put through (aka the comfort that comes after) = you are completely valid.

or if you enjoy whump where it’s “hurt no comfort” because you just like it when your blorbo goes through hell = you are completely valid.

as long as you’re not hurting anyone in real life, your reasoning in regards of your enjoyment of whump is valid. you are valid.

being in a fandom should always be about the joy and the fun of being in a fandom, because fandom is supposed to be your getaway from reality where you can just enjoy whatever you enjoy. it should always be your safe place. though I do understand that, while in a fandom, you’ll most likely come across things you’re not comfortable with or things that upset you. my best advice is to ignore these things (block and mute as freely as you like) and only focus your time and energy on things that bring you joy.

don’t let other people’s opinions take that joy away from you.

if there’re fics you want to read, read them and enjoy them unapologetically. and if at any point you feel like they’re not for you, you can simply close the tabs and move on to other fics you feel like checking out.

if you have ideas for fics about your blorbos you want to write, write them unapologetically. if you want to draw some whump art about your blorbo, draw them unapologetically. there will always be people who enjoy the same thing you do (maybe even for the same reason) who will appreciate your talent. or even if you don’t feel like posting/publishing them on the internet — for any reason at all — and just want to keep them only to yourself, that is entirely okay too.

because the most important thing is, when you write a fic or draw a fanart (or even when you read something), it should be for you. not anyone else.

how you enjoy a fandom, how you enjoy whump, should be about you and only you.

you don’t have to speak to anyone about it if you’re not ready or if you don’t feel comfortable talking to them about it. at the end of the day, you don’t owe them anything. because whump is not something you have to explain to your friends or family, it’s your personal getaway and you don’t have to explain anything to anyone if you don’t want to.

though I recall you mentioned that you were seeing your therapist next week. if you feel comfortable talking to them about it, I think it might help make you feel better. because your therapist would most likely have a better answer for you.

last but not least, I wanted to remind you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. your mind is lying to you about all these unpleasant thoughts you have about yourself. I know how hard that can be, how real and convincing these thoughts can sound. because I’d been there. but the bottom line is that no matter how terrible these feelings get, they are lying to you. and there is absolutely nothing wrong or abnormal about your enjoyment of whump, of your blorbos. you are definitely not a “pervert” for being in a fandom or for enjoying whump, no matter what other people might say. because how can one be a pervert for finding their safe place in fictional things that don’t hurt anybody in real life at all?

I’m not sure if this is the answer you were looking for, but I hope it helped at least a little. and I hope you can get back to fully enjoying what you enjoyed soon. but most importantly, I hope you feel better soon. a little reminder that your mental health is the priority here. I’m sending my love your way, always. ♡