#anyway. god I can't believe I'm doing this. it's 2024 who am I.

[featureenvyproductions]

"Why does everything need to be Gay now it's so shallow to make men attracted to each other when they could be Pure Platonic Friends -"

oops sorry I can't hear you over the sound of me Doing What I Want Forever because I have been watching movies, TV, and animation since the 80s and have watched enough shallow heterosexual romances that would have been stronger as mlm-wlw solidarity friendships to fill the space between stars in a galaxy

[riddlemethisjeremy]

"But its fine to be LGBTQ+ in Australia in 2024 Australia is such an accepting country"

Get away from me.

Here is an itemised list of shit that i see around me/has happened to me. Just in my little sphere of observation I'm not talking about online or anything just circling around fucking me. Organised from shit that bothers me the least to shit that fucks me off to an unbelievable extent:

All the shallow "LGBTQ+ safe space !!!!!!!" Stickers i see at places like target (I am not talking about actual queer spaces like Dangerfield oh my god i will never ever get over the time that the person at Dangerfield asked if i would like to see their "masculine selection" like holy shit ???? Yes i would love to see the "masculine selection" thank you for not making me a man in this store- anyways) it just makes me a little mad that they just have to put a little sticker in the window and suddenly they're a "safe space" like come off it mate no one's buying your shit

Those people who say they're like supportive and then go and bag out a highly minoritsed section of the community (example taken from my current home) "I support trans people i believe trans people should be able to live and be whoever they truly are" "if my child ever told me that they wanted to use "they/them" pronouns i would assign them a gender myself" "I think all these little "microlabels" like pansexual and aromantic are fake theyre just kids looking for attention" "well apparently you can identify as a tree these days lol I'll just tell them i identify as a dog and cock my leg on them"

Other generally passive homophobic comments such as "oh you're pansexual? Does that mean you're attracted to pans?"

Walking into class and getting slurred or called an "it" or being spoken about like I'm a creature rather than a person: "Sir, can you take that thing outside" "Its not a part of this classroom" "Someone should really put a muzzle on that thing" "oh, sorry, "IT". Got my grammar mixed up."

Possibly the more upsetting part of that is the teacher, who is aware of me being trans and has been since he took our class, has not done a thing about this despite stating that he was going to do what he could to support me.

The casual biphobia/complete erasjre of my bi identity that happens like literally daily? Like hello i like both ?

The younger queer kids being targets of creeps and harassment because theyre just "attention seeking queers" and no one would believe them if they said anything

Being clocked by customers at work and having to deal with harassment surrounding my entire identity despite the fact that I'm not even out and having to pretend to have a laugh about it with my coworkers while im literally shaking and like on the verge of an anxiety attack

People fetishizing drag queens/critisizing them for not doing drag in a "traditionally correct" way. Like ?? She's not bopping he bussy for anyone but herself fuck off

My own friends not believing me/taking me seriously when i try to talk about the harassment/abuse that I face at school/at work because "its 2024 and these places are safe places and they literally said they weren't trying to be offensive"

Being outed in the workplace because i was trying to help my gf get a job (which i didnt realise was a whole thing at the time) and then being punished for not telling people about our relationship to begin with (neither of us are very out and I didn't want to put either of us in an uncomfortable position so I didn't mention it because its not their business?) my gf is no longer getting a job and i am significantly less likely to get the promotion they were talking about giving me

The sheer amount of homophobic/transphobic parents that i know of in the area (mine and my gfs included) and the fact that "allies" don't seem to understand why we won't tell these people about ourselves (especially those of us with notably abusive parents (myself and my gf included))

"Well she can't like you very much if she's not willing to tell her parents" "i just don't think she really cares about you if she's keeping you a secret" shes literally let me give her kisses at the bus stop guys she just wont tell her mom fuck off

The fact that if her parents find out they could report me to the police for grooming because even if the age gap is literally eleven months she's still a minor and the courts are more likely to convict me because im queer. This would literally end my life.

the fact that im being encouraged to leave the fucking love of my life because its "too dangerous" and if my life is ruined by her parents its her fault some how so i need to protect myself ???? What the fuck ????

And finally "You cant save everyone you know" like ???? I know that doesnt mean that the people I CARE ABOUT should have to suffer to keep ME safe. Thats fucked up.

[heymikewaskom]

today W wanted to wear a hat and wear it backwards like me. she's such a joy to spend time with. even at mundane places like the grocery store.

I really am pushing it to get this post out before midnight, but here we are. 10:48p. It's hard to believe that this year i got divorced. well, we're not finalized yet, but my lawyer sent over the final draft of the decree or whatever this morning at 4am. she was fucking up, and, insanely, i was too. all the tropes are true, all the things that people say to comfort you are trite. i'm going to be ok. i am also massively sad about this whole thing. for better or for much worse, i really didn't see this coming. in the way you think your car is old and shitty but will still get you to work, and you just take for granted that it'll start on a cold morning, i just assumed that we were in a ebb and would eventually flit back into a flow. our problems with communication would sort themselves out. but they didn't. the car wouldn't crank, and we were bound to repeat the cycle that we had experienced as children. i probably still love ashley. maybe not in true romantic way, but as much as everything she is to me makes me angry i still love her for who she is to wilder. it's one of those contradictory quirks about life that just make you shrug.

I skated a lot this year, and really connected with some amazing friends through that. those guys helped me immensely and i'll never be able to thank them. skating with them in Raleigh in the spring was one of my favorite trips ever. we're also going to Eindhoven this feb for an event with a bunch more people. then back to Raleigh/durham in april. it's something to look forward to when times are so fucking bleak. I've lost about 30 pounds since june. it feels ok, but my clothes look silly on me, and i can't really afford a new wardrobe, and even if i could i'm sentimental to the point of mental illness and can't bare to throw anything away(everything-reminds-me-of-her.elliott-smith/song)

anyway, what a life. i don't know how to proceed, aside from waking up and going forward. i guess that's what most people in recorded history did, but i'm just smart enough to realize how trivial and pointless it is, and how i know for certain all of the hope i had as a young man about success are completely out of reach and just dumb enough to not make any of my dreams a reality(too dumb for nyc, too ugly for LA).

it's bleak, but it's mine. i'll see you in 2024. god knows it's the least i can do.

[numetaljackdog]

what i'm listening to 4/10/2024

spot.//yt

Limp Bizkit - Clunk: clunk. clunk clunk. clunk. clunk

Limp Bizkit - N 2 Gether Now feat. Method Man: it's backkkk and arguably never left. this didn't begin as a favorite of mine from lb but there's just so many good lines and it's so fun. discretion is advised for the blood of virgin eyes; we're limping on the track with the method

Nirvana - The Man Who Sold the World: perhaps one of the greatest little riffs ever conceived and also btw i am a nirvana fanboy 😁

Emma Blackery - Blossom: mostly just putting this in bc i don't think i've ever had the chance to talk about how much i adore this song. easily emma's best track, i so wish she would make more that sound like this. it fits her voice so nicely and it's just so breezy and catchy and cute..... summer's a-comin'

Suede - Animal Nitrate: this goes so insane i can't believe it took me this long to find it. and i may be prone to homosexuality... but anyway this just *sounds* sooo good, the crunchy production and the riff and the melody and oh! chef's kiss!

Staind - Mudshovel: revisiting an old favorite! i so wish to perform this song live someday.... i could make it even better. and i wouldn't be a republican about it either

Ice-T - Big Gun: PENIS ALLEGORY!!!!! and VIOLENT WOMEN!!!!!! i need to watch this fucking movie so fucking badly

Limp Bizkit - Back Porch: genuinely one of lb's best songs but completely slept on bc of its placement down at the bottom of gold cobra of all things god help us. also a returning winner from a prior WILT

Sonic Youth - Death Valley '69 feat. Lydia Lunch: sonic youth good. this song in particular hits me every time as if i'd never heard it. gay

Korn - Twist: i've taken to my funny bit of unpromptedly doing the rrh na oom rah dah nn rah mm dah oom rah dah thing in the middle of conversation

Eminem - Just Don't Give A Fuck: i will confess to having a little eminem moment these past days 🫣 but this one is genuinely so good i love his early scrappy shitty music. he just don't give a fuuuuuuck

Sublime - Santeria: this has always been my favorite sublime song bc it's so pretty-sounding and summery and it's about tracking a guy down and shoving a gun in his mouth

Big Pun - Beware: the beat is crazy but admittedly the main appeal of songs where guys say a bunch of words really fast will always be the part where the guy says a bunch of words really fast

The Decemberists - Down By The Water: mostly kind of over the whole radio alternative indie folk pop rock whatever shit but this is so prettyyy and melancholy and i love the harmonizing bc i love harmonizing

Powerman 5000 - Nobody's Real: my friends and i have been watching this music video over and over, it's so fun..... pm5k at their peak was such a cool band with all the visuals and cartoon antics. plus this shit is catchy as hell

DANGERDOOM - Sofa King: i previously thought i wasn't much of a DOOM fan, though i certainly respect the craft, but these days i think it might just be that his most popular material, the stuff people always recommend, just doesn't hit for me as much as his other stuff does (and hopefully will continue to, the more i listen). g

Twin Method - Flawless: these guys were too late to the nu metal game to really get their due (not to mention they were british; that was never a big spot for the genre) but i would posit that they were damn good for a 00s-era entry in the nu canon. this is their "big" song and it holds up pretty good!

Fudge Tunnel - Grey: checked this one out bc lol funny name but they're kinda legit. speaking of british alt metal. i almost wonder if they were on the other side of things, a little ahead of their time...

Blue - All Rise: heard this in an uber and it's been stuck in my brain ever since. i do love boy band r&b, AND i love a courtroom drama, so really i han't go wrong here. lots of brits in this installment i'm noticing

[katierosefun]

tagged by @b1uetrees! thank you for the tag buddy!

do you make your bed? i try, the operating word being try. i used to be really good at making my bed, but for the last few weeks, i've been lucky to just straighten out my sheets and pile my pillows on the right way before darting around to make myself breakfast and wash my face.

what's your favourite number? i've always really liked 12 for some reason. maybe because i associate it with the year of the dragon, which is the zodiac year i'm born in?

what is your job? i'm a second-year law student. i think the closest i have to a job right now is that i'm a student attorney (which has been very exciting, because it's definitely aligned with what i want to do after graduation), and this coming summer, i'll be working at a law firm (which is also exciting. everyone pray i don't screw up)

If you could go back to school would you? i mean, would i pursue more education after getting my current degree? i'm not sure. i've played with the idea of getting an mfa for a while now, but also? i think mfa's cost so much money, and the rewards aren't always very tangible. so it depends on how financially comfortable i am and if i can figure out a way to get into publishing without an mfa haha!

can you parallel park? i don't know how to drive, so nope

a job you had that would surprise people? i always get questions about what the heck a costume stock keeper does, but for a short while, i was a costume stock keeper. which basically meant that i organized the costume stock room in my college's theater department. it was really cool, because we had a huge stock room, and my bosses were people who actually worked in a lot of really cool movies, so that was neat!

do you think aliens are real? i have to think so! like, the universe is so big--how can there not be other things out there?

can you drive a manual car? i can drive a golf car. does that count?

what's your guilty pleasure? not really certain if i feel guilty about this yet . . . i guess watching kinda bad old kdramas? (like . . . i know there are some tropes that we've left behind in the early 2010s/early 2000s, but what can i say--some classics are classics, even if some of the stories wouldn't fly in 2024.)

tattoos? none right now, although i've been wondering if i want to get a tattoo before i graduate law school. i think i want to get a constellation somewhere on my bicep. but also, i get so scared of something being permanent and how skin changes over the years, so maybe not :/

favourite colour? i'm currently digging really deep greens lately!

favourite type of music? i think i've been really loving a lot of moody ballads and alternative rock . . . and also whatever the hell the music in alien stage is right now!

do you like puzzles? nope--i'm not patient enough for puzzles a;shdfasdf

any phobias? i am terrified of spiders. i don't care if they're smaller than me--they have eight legs, i have two, and also the way they move freaks me out so much oh my god why do they move like that ! !!

favourite childhood sport? i really liked to swim as a kid, and i still do

do you talk to yourself? yeah--mostly when i'm annoyed or stressed. i've been known to quickly mute myself on zoom meetings or make more of an effort to just shut my mouth whenever i'm waiting for someone to come onto zoom, because i once started muttering "jesus christ, what a way to make a first impression--i can't believe you're late" and i didn't realize that there was? a little thing that was? making a transcript of everything i was muttering? if my boss ever read that transcript, they've been kind enough to never mention it--so!!!! anyways!!! i'm working on that lol

what movie(s) do you adore? i really love kogonada's films (columbus and after yang are probably the major ones), and i also love the korean adaptation of little forest. and also beginners. in general, i think i love films with a lot of green coloring and also just enough moments of quiet to make you feel comforted! or at least--better said--i like movies that feel like you've had a conversation with someone.

coffee or tea? coffee for when i want to wake up and tea for when i want to wind down!

first thing you wanted to be growing up? a writer :) or, at the very least, a well-known storyteller.

no pressure tags: @kckenobi @lightasthesun @l-tyrell @reese-haleth

[serenelysimple]

I'm convinced that everybody hates me.

An update for the past two years since I stopped posting here in 2022.

2022 - Intense relationship and personal doubts.

2023 - My job since 2020 started to do a face-to-face setup. It was actually fun and comfortable. I am anxious and have self-doubts to begin with. But I didn't realize how heavy it would feel to be talked about behind my back, and be called selfish. I was criticized for the way I managed the studio, and for taking my time to conceptualize and produce marketing assets. They said my designs were ugly. They said I spoke too slowly. I was called selfish for reflecting and expressing my feelings — about how my colleagues looked and treated me. I still managed to lead the scholars and produce a recital.

2024 - It was the same as 2023 but heavier since I needed to lead interns and new employees. My boss wanted me to focus on administrative work and was willing to replace me the day before my art classes, without orienting my lesson plan to the person who would replace me. I also managed to handle and lead another recital and art gallery and created the lesson plans. The teacher who replaced me earned twice more because she was assigned to teach the classes I planned, even though she did not follow most of them and didn't execute the techniques properly. I also resigned due to the unfair treatment during the summer classes and the days leading to it. They doubted and stepped on me. They didn't even raise my salary after the promotion. Now, they are thinking that I am just after the money, when in reality, I sacrificed a good freelancing career, and the possibility to try corporate jobs because I believed in their vision. I have been blinded by good words, despite being treated like shit.

Still, 2024 - After quitting my job at the studio, I got hired to a corporate work-from-home job. I'm still under probation until February 2025, which makes me anxious about the possibility that I will not be regularized because of how slowly I work on the marketing materials. Back in the studio, it was a bit easy but now, I have the skills but don't have enough speed to finish them.

I feel like I wasted four years. During those years, my classmates were already married, comfortable, traveling, receiving multiple awards, and so much more. At 29, I am still just beginning. And just when I thought I would be more independent and comfortable now that I had a new job, I suddenly got the responsibility of feeding 3 (my aunt, and two cousins) people passed on to me. They told me "help would be given", but I am the only person working my ass off to feed them and give them school materials. While I can't disclose why the responsibility of caring for them was passed on to me, I did not ask for it and was not ready.

I asked God many times, "Why do these things happen to me at times when I want to fix myself?"

I'm just trying to have a good day and have peaceful meals. I don't want to entertain traumatic stories daily because I wasn't involved in their problems and I have no idea who they are talking about anyway. Am I selfish for trying to protect myself, because absorbing someone's words and negative energy causes me stress? I'm feeling stressed because I have to step out of my comfort zone, deal with debts that I didn't cause, and ensure I stay composed for my new job.

And what if I really am not talented enough? Maybe I am not getting what I thought I deserved, because I am not really meant for it. Because I am just an average person. I don't work twice as hard as my classmates, so I don't have to expect that I would receive the same recognition that they are getting.

I'm convinced that everybody hates me from the people who blocked me to protect their peace, to being uninvited and not being considered. I understand that. I don't like myself either.

[fatimaah]

sunny Saturday

I wonder if the last days of school will feel the same, will we sit like this, will the teachers remind us of adulthood chasing, will the open window let the sun rays in, will the curtains danse with the wind making everything look cinematic, will my friends be late to school?

It was hot today, we went to a university nearby where some event was going on today.

While walking Fir was trying to memorize her biology stuff (I swear if I was her, I wouldn't be her like there's no way I will do me like that, I'm not a selfhater), anyway I was just singing songs in my head and walking with her until we came to the university.

I persuaded fir to stay outside because there was a huge crowd inside that it seemed like the oxygen is about to end. We stayed there a bit as she was telling me about some trees or whatever. and omg there was a gurl right in front of us and SHE HAD SUCH A COOL FUCKING STYLE OMG I CAN'T I really wanted to talk to her or at least tell her she looks so frickin cool. But she left haha.

Then we were fangirling over flowers and spring with firuza until we saw kamilla, later me and kmll went inside and thrifted some cool thingies universities were giving away and I love this newspaper pencil ♡

When we returned back we put some videos(song lyrics) at class and chilled there with girls. Frz and kmll are two TikTok addicts and I was sitting with both of them while changing my focus from one phone screen to another (I like it).

I love how it was so sunny and right now it's raining and there's a thunder outside. There's just something about thunders, they are so loud but when they come with the sound of rain in the background they sound soothing. I used to be afraid of rain when I was little because I watched a lot of movies about flood and I was always scared of floods. I still am actually. I can't believe that all we have can one day (God have mercy on us) just be wiped out by fire or water or wind...or bomb. Hate the idea of losing everything.

these days I'm thinking about money that I have.... it's around $170 in total. I can spend it on so many things but...more and more, everyday, I want to donate every single dollar to Palestine or Congo, or Sudan.... I can't stop thinking about it

I feel like if I don't do it right now and spend my money on some food or yarn or books or whatever, I feel like...I will betray myself, I know if I don't do this I will feel bad and will want to die. If I don't do it, I will be ashamed of existing.

It's not a big deal if I won't buy more yarn, if I will read online books, if I won't hang out with my friends. For the sake of people who can't even afford seeing their loved ones alive, for the sake of people who don't have a roof above their head, nor do they have food, nor do they have water...

Only faith, I swear those people only have faith.

I will do it, I am not able to ignore such things.

April 20, 2024

[aenesthesian]

March 2024 favourites

Throughout the past few months I've seen several people catalogue their monthly interests in this way, and it's intrigued me as I don't know anyone else who likes to categorise things as much as I do. Maybe I'm just an immensely nostalgic person who is terrified of forgetting things from my youth, which, I'm not going to lie, is starting to hinder me a little! Anyways, this is my first try at this, bear with me.

Film(s)

Saw Dune: Part Two in theatres and holy shit, what an experience that was - it truly is the blockbuster franchise of our time. However, no matter how good the movie itself was, it still left me confused as i hadn't made any effort beforehand to understand the plot. I remember feeling the exact same sense of confusion when I came out of the cinema in 2021 after seeing the first part of Dune. Turns out all I had to do was watch a single Youtube video explaining how the Dune universe works in order to be completely engrossed by the world! If only my stubbornness and refusal to give sci-fi movies the time of day, a genre i've never enjoyed much, hadn't stopped me from wanting to understand it all these years.

Another thing that kept me on my toes all month was the promo for Challengers starting, which releases in theatres next month!! I can't believe we're actually getting a love triangle on screen where ALL corners touch. What a monumental event in history indeed.

Also, special mention: Swann Arlaud, Twitter's It-Boy of the Month!!! Well, at least my TL is flooded with pictures and interviews of him, which I'm actually not mad about, not mad at all.

Bars

Usually March is a really tough month, one full of despair and stress. While that was still the case this year, I tried balancing it out by spending more time with friends. It's been lovely spending long Friday evenings in bars, even if I did feel a little distant at times. Strange how one can feel dissociated in a large group and yet still feel like they belong - it only starts being unbearable the moment you begin to feel like an anomaly that is entirely out of place. Our brains work in fascinating ways; regardless, I'm just glad to have spent more time outside of my home. Is this what enjoying my youth feels like?

Skincare

I only properly began about a week ago, but i've been having so much fun establishing, or rather enhancing my skincare routine. I used to brag about not taking care of my skin at all, which looking back was absolutely tragic. Now I'm very pleased with how far I've come in terms of taking care of my own body, at least with this little routine I have.

Music

I've been finding so much new music lately!! Over the last two weeks, there genuinely hasn't been a day where I didn't find at least two songs to my liking. Been listening to a ton of German music as well as any other genre I can think of - from rock, alternative/indie to hip-hop, rap, techno, pop, just anything that comes my way. Here are some of my favourites from this month:

babybreath - Lovesliescrushing Tommi - AnnenMayKantereit Junge - Die Ärzte Another life - PinkPantheress, Rema Subterraneans - David Bowie alone - Cavetown Tumblr Girls - G-Eazy, Christoph Andersson Will I See You Again? - Thee Sacred Souls Beautiful Boy - The Last Dinner Party Cellular (Live) - King Krule Leben leben - OG Ti Philadelphia - Matt Maltese, Searows Pretty Girls - Reneé Rap Am Weg in die Villa - BIBIZA Too Sweet - Hozier Never Wanted To Dance - Mindless Self Indulgence Lottoscheine - AnnenMayKantereit i like the way you kiss me - Artemas nichts - makko Souvenir - boygenius Ssaliva's entire discography

Books

I read How To Get A Girl Pregnant by Karleen Pendleton Jimenez, a memoir of sorts about a queer butch woman trying to get pregnant, and oh my god. The grip that book had on me was unbelievable, it simply felt so distinctly human and helped ease my anxiety about my future as a queer person a little. It's advice that straight parents cannot give their queer child, and I couldn't help but soak it all up. It's available online in pdf format, btw.

Also, I finally finished my third reread of my first All the Young Dudes copy that I started reading in November I believe? I'm afraid those characters, that story, and that fandom will always be a part of me, as it's been three years now, and my fixation isn't waning one bit. Forgot to mention that I began reading The Secret History after putting it off for literally a year or two, which I'm very excited about. So far it's incredible, however pages 44 and 45 left such a deep pit in my stomach that I had to put it down for a few days. Hopefully I'll be done with it by the end of April, as next month may be the most stressful of my entire life so far.

Special mention

The forcemasc tumblr tag has taken over my body and mind. Not sure whether I'm willing to go into more detail, but i just. i just. i. holy fucking shit. Never has anything validated my gender identity along with my sexuality more than that goddamn tag.

A quote that defined my month

[thepetiteninja]

Welcome to 2024

Hello again!

My most recent post was from 4 years ago. And so much had happened since, so I guess it's time for another update. I'm writing this for me who will be reading this entry after a few years, maybe when I remember to dig up my old tumblr account again just because I felt like reminiscing.

So anyway, I'm turning thirty this year. That hasn't sunk yet because more than anything — I'm getting married this year too. It's still to the guy I have been writing about years before. We're turning 9 years this 2024, and are tying the knot this October. He proposed to me two years ago. On top of the Singapore Flyer, 11.11.22. Damn, what a date.

But the past few years weren't all about butterflies and happiness. These past few years were actually some of the worst ones of my life so far. I'm in debt. But fortunately on a good payment plan now that I haven't missed. I risked a really good job to pursue hosting full time — that only lasted for 3 months. Then shifted industries because I wanted to still give myself a chance. And so now I'm still hosting but for e-commerce livestreams. Got promoted twice in a year. I'm now a trainer. But I still do copywriting on the side because it makes good money. At least now I've flipped it up. Doing my passions full time then writing on the side. I'm tired though, to tell you the truth.

Mind-wise, I'm confident. I know what I can bring to the table and what I'm capable of. I don't second guess myself too much now. I still work hard and multi-task. I know my worth. I know my strengths. I learned my lessons well. I've been through difficult times and now I've gained stability. I know I'm ready to fly. In a smarter, more mature way.

Life-wise could be better. Because the wedding is right around the corner, everything I'm earning is being poured to it. So you can say I'm still living paycheck to paycheck after all the great things I take pride on. I'd like to think I've planted a lot of seeds that I'm just waiting to harvest soon. Hopefully the wedding turns out great, so I could finally enjoy the fruits of my labor completely. To be honest tonight, dinner was just a pack of pancit canton and cup noodles. It's petya de peligro and I don't know where to get tomorrow's fare to work. But I'll get by. After a day, salary's gonna come. I really hope it gets so much better soon.

So these things, y'know. It's entirely great but minutely terrifying. And every single time God proves to me that there's guidance from above. You won't believe how many conveniently unexpected blessings I've gotten over the past tumultuous years. I can't even comprehend how I've weathered through all the moments I worried about. But I'm here, sitting on my couch, safe, satiated, typing whatever comes to mind. It's these reflective, peaceful pauses that makes you realize that despite the chaos, I'm actually okay. Barely breathing but pushing on.

I'd like to think future me who would be reading this somehow, someday, would look at me and say: "just wait, it's going to be better". Because I would be saying the same thing to myself who started this blog 10+ years ago. It had gotten so much better. Crazier, but better. I wish future me would say, "babe, we're a millionaire". But more importantly would love her to say, "we still love what we do". No matter what that looks like.

So there. I think that's an ample update about how I am now. And hopefully in a few years tumblr would still be here so I'd be able to read all this again. It's a good self-therapy shit. And also I just missed writing my thoughts like this.

Ok, I'm just rambling now. Until the next update!

[luminary-sunflower]

Friday, January 19, 2024

Everyone is waiting for the light Be afraid, don't be afraid The sun is shining out of my eyes It will not set tonight

Prompts taken from 7Cups 🍵

🍵How do I practice self compassion when struggling with depression?

I acknowledge the little things. Every achievement, no matter how small, is something to be proud of. I remind myself despite my lack of motivation/energy, all of my skills and aspirations are still there. I will get back to them in time, when it's right for me.

Gratitude, too. All of the small things in life that give me comfort or make life easier can be cherished.

I am patient with myself and with life. Things may pile up, but I can get through them. I may fall behind what I expected, but I am still making progress.

Sometimes the best progress comes after a period of rest. I can feel guilty about pushing myself to burnout, but I can also use this time to identify stressors that I can manage more effectively in the future.

🍵What are some positive things that can come from experiencing anxiety?

For me anxiety means I can slow down my thinking before taking action. Sometimes this means I have racing thoughts, but over time I'm learning how to carefully listen to what my fears are. They be irrational, but there may be a kernel of truth in them that is worth listening to. This has made me a more conscientious person and my loved ones say that I help them plan things thoroughly and consider options they otherwise wouldn't have.

🍵What can I let go of today?

I've let go of a lot of items this month. I really appreciate having a less cluttered space. It's given me new appreciation for the things I have and use regularly. Mentally, though, I want to and *can* let go of the belief I need others to "get" me. Some people refuse to understand me. Some people just made the choice to never have empathy or sympathy or even try for me, and that doesn't reflect negatively on myself. I don't have to make myself smaller for everyone to accept who I am.

✝️ I've really liked Job this month. And that Star Trek quote "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose, that is not a weakness, that is life" (or something like that - don't quote me).

When I was atheist, well more like agnostic, I felt like everything was so nihilistic. And then I realized that if nihilism can't be proven false, then I can just choose something else. What could someone tell me? No? Why would they think it would matter to tell me no if it doesn't matter? ☺️

I accepted my resentments with no justification. We need something more complex than that to cope rationally, it's just the human condition. We do better when things have meaning. And we have enough of God's image in us to make that image clearer with guidance.

The problem of evil with my atheist worldview is that it just is. It is just evil. It is just cruel. Accepting God means accepting that it doesn't have to be evil. It doesn't have to be cruel. It can just be. You can accept the bad things, because you are grateful that you are human enough to perceive them as bad. That means you have wisdom, a soul. All of these things are going to happen - famine, disease, death. But if you blame the actors in this world or even yourself, you're not seeing the full picture. You could find the director of the act you play and see the world as a story with themes and lessons, not abject and irrational suffering. And the best part about adopting this belief is that it will come true the stronger you believe it. You can act better in line with your role now.

And I have better ways to spend my time than engaging in addictive drama (when I'm in line with my goals that is). Did God know Eve would eat it, like Jesus knew Judas would betray him? Is that why women aren't afraid of angels when they speak to them? That's more fun. But helping others still matters. That's why I want to be more active on 7Cups. ^__^

Anyway... My new Pinhead figure should be coming TODAY! But it has my old apartment number (same building). I'm worried about this but trying to work up the courage to ask for help maybe even knock on the door of that person if needed.. Sigh. I don't want to. I feel silly. But you know in the grand scheme of things it isn't a big deal. I've solved much worse.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Monday, January 1st, 2024!

10:29am We are alive mf's!!! We made it to the new year!

Currently having my semi-annual financial hoopla but things will work themselves out 😇

January goals: not spending money basically.

- don't get so drunk, it is not fun anymore!

- stop buying food/ drinks out! Too much $

- look for free activities

- free hobbies

- be mindful of what you're doing! And not doing!

- wake up earlier and go to bed earlier! (Gradual)

1:01pm I have already caved and have gotten PDQ 🤣 it's all good I'm straight chilling ❤️ Stay positive y'all. Watching A Historia Delas on Hulu, looks pretty good!

3:45pm Ok so PDQ has made me completely lethargic, the salt has made me totally bloated AF like I feel it in my belly and my feet and hands. I want to work on increasing my energy levels this year and omg this was not the right thing to do. I'm so bloated I'm too uncomfortable to nap even. This show is very good though thank god bc I'm clearly not doing much else today.

Also, one of my wall adjacent neighbors has been playing freaking dubstep or something for like 2 hrs straight and I just realized it's making my brain feel weird/ fuzzy but I couldn't identify why tf I felt that way before. There's so much damn noise in the world it's no wonder everyone is losing their mind/ irritable and slightly annoyed all the time.

8:04pm I did my nails! Also binge watching this show was a very good decision, the best I've made all day 🤣 Tried eating some cheese and it's too much!! My body is just rejecting all of this rich af holiday food and I should really clean out the fridge tomorrow and start fresh. I know it's a waste but idc I don't want to keep feeling like crap and I hate expired food. It's not my fault I went on vacation for like 10 days and all this was too much. I'm still not used to buying/ cooking food for one person. I need to stop buying gallons of milk ffs! It's way too much I had to have like 4 cups last night bc it was expiring today. This is just all part of being mindful, everything is a learning process! You are ok and you are doing great! ❤️

Also, learning more and more about how abusive my relationship is and I'm so glad the internet exists because it would have been so easy to just *not* be aware of this experience that i unfortunately share with many people!! Narcissistic abuse is real and I am ready to keep healing!! Can't fool me twice.

I loved talking to his grandmother though, she is so wise and sweet and I love that she really doesn't play his BS and can see through it, amen!!! I can't believe she said what I thought she would say.... She wants them to move out together so that they'll break up already!!!! That shit is crazy she really said that!!! I may be young but I am not stupid and I saw that shit coming from MILES away literally.

9:41pm He keeps randomly texting me and tbh at this point it's so crystal clear what he's doing and it's pathetic. Simply I have no admiration for him, no respect above human decency really, it's just pathetic is the only word for it. He clearly needs psychological help, and I'm not a psychologist! Also, don't you have a gf to text who literally hates me? Get it together, bro, you're not fooling anyone (except her?? Poor girl tbh she's really getting her payback/ karma in spades I'm sure) thanks universe :) love ya.

PS why does he keep bringing up the music thing?? Does he have no other lines I don't really get it. What tf am I supposed to do about that anyway. I listen to all of his music and my music just fine (oh wait it's because I took time to heal and didn't jump into another toxic relationship 7 days later!!) Get a grip, dude, you're not getting anyone's sympathy here.

Made a to do list for tomorrow so we'll see how that goes! Also I'm sleeping naked so we're trying lots of new things!

[enbyhoshi]

ao3 wrapped 2023

hello again! i only ended up writing (+ posting) two fics this year (total of 16,033 words) compared to the staggering seven of last year - so i went back and forth a lot about whether i should even make this post, but i ended up doing it anyways! here we go!

🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟💗🌟

from the start

wonhao, 7.4k, G, library co-owners to lovers

minghao fest fic! to be honest, i wasn't really planning on joining the fest as i hadn't written minghao before and was too nervous to, but after seeing this prompt i just couldn't pass it up. and thank god i didn't! one of my favorite types of fics is where the story takes place or focuses on the main pairing's (along with the rest/some of the other characters in whatever media is being written about) workplace, especially when it's super specific lol. and who doesn't love a lil library romance? wonhao were made for this. another favorite thing of mine, this time more on the writing side, is sneaking small references to other loved medias hehe. this time it's a reference to the dimension 20 season the unsleeping city: chapter 2 episode 1 with minghao cleaning up the orange juice in the romance section. very random but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favorite part:

“Oh,” Wonwoo mumbles. He looks a little out of it, like he’s as shocked about this whole situation as Minghao is. “Cool. I mean– that’s good. I didn’t have a plan if you ended rejecting me.” “Quit your job and move to another country?” Minghao jokes, despite the fast beating of his heart. “And what about our child?” Wonwoo jokes with him, voice a little weak. Minghao tries not to think about how he’s the cause of that. “We can’t have it travelling between countries all the time.” “I can’t believe you just told me you love me while I’m covered in orange juice.” Minghao says, trying to swallow down the huge smile that wants to break out. “This is the worst possible place for a love confession.” “Well,” Wonwoo says and his eyes dart to something above Minghao’s head and when he looks it’s the label of the particular section they’re in. It’s the Romance section. “I’d say it’s pretty fitting.”

2. untouched

soonhao, 8.6k, M, gg!bss & their stylist hao

girlies.... another minghao fest fic lol! this fic was somewhat of a surprise, since i came up with this prompt on a whim and just kinda put it on the ever-growing wip pile. and then the 2nd round for mhf happened and thought you know what! might as well! in my mind, this fic was supposed to be way different than what it ended up being tone-wise. think more angsty, more toxic, more i-just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-and-i-know-you-desire-me-carnally-so-i'm-gonna-use-you-as-a-rebound. basically toxic yuri but make it soonhao. unfortunately it got lost in translation and it turned out more like a typical fic but maybe its for the better lol.

favorite part:

“I did,” Minghao says. “It was good. Do you really have the acorn hat in your bag all the time?” A bashful smile breaks out on Soonyoung’s face. “You know I don’t. I just thought it’d be a fun anecdote.” Minghao smiles back at her. Her hand reaches out to move the hair from Soonyoung’s eyes but then she realises what she’s doing and draws her hand back. “The jeans too?” she says like nothing happened. “That was more…” Soonyoung looks away like she’s thinking about it, her smile turning into something softer now. “More of a personal moment that I wanted to share, I guess.”

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and that's it! truthfully, i was trying to finished at least one more fic before the year ended - and then i got sick (still am) and could barely look at a screen for more than 20 mins (still can't) lol. hopefully that fic gets published early next year then :) thank you for reading this far! see you in 2024!

[areyoutheregoditsmejessica]

your post re canonbuddie stans ♥

you liking bucktaylor & megan west ♥♥

you liking bucktalia ♥♥♥

you not liking eddie ♥♥♥♥

you liking marisol ♥♥♥♥♥

your take on canonbuddie overall ♥♥♥♥♥♥

i agree with it all so wholeheartedly!!! buck and eddie literally feel like bros to me. yes, they are besties, and yes, buck has a very lovely bond with chris! but at every single point in the past 6 seasons that could have been used to give Hints to the audience that buck or eddie could ever be romantically involved with a man (or even each other), the show never took it. zero jealousy, zero hesitation to date somebody else, zero insecurity of their "family dynamic" changing when they date again, zero flirtation or appreciative looks or past experiences with men. buck and eddie are both so painfully heterosexual to this day that everybody who honestly thinks of buddie being a feasible option for a canon endgame couple is just delusional to me at this point. and i want to stress that this does not mean that people cannot enjoy and ship buddie to their hearts content! but i need people to fucking learn how to watch and comprehend a narrative realistically because things have gotten so extremely exhausting, even in the tags that are not even meant for buddie! it is everywhere, and i am so so so tired of it.

also, god, i am always so happy whenever i see somebody who enjoys buck and canon buck ships but also shares my disinterest in eddie dfjdsfk; i loved him sm in s2 but that love dwindled more with each new season, s4 and s5 eddie bored me to death. today, i am mostly just indifferent to him. i believe in marisol's power to make his scenes better lmao.

you have any wishes for bucktalia moving forward or some type of scene you'd like to see them in? i personally must see her in lingerie and/or in some really sexy outfit. i just want to stare at them being pretty and cute together, frankly speaking.

legit haven't gotten an anon ask in well over a decade hahaha so this was super neat to open the website and see <3

yes in s2, that character was one of the best male characters i had the pleasure of watching and that dwindled quickly, to the point i wish for the s1 118.

i don't wanna touch on the sexuality of anyone, even fictional characters but the writers have not gone out of their way in anyway to say they aren't straight and i think 7 seasons in, if it was in their plan it would've been done. it's a ryan murphy creation for goodness sake, if he wanted to he would've from ground zero.

i don't have much thought about them yet! they are very aesthetically pleasing. i just want them to stop having buck reinvent himself. we're on buck 345.0 at this point. (i love him and think oliver is GREAT at portraying him, but enough) i was really excited to see where buck and taylor could've gone especially given their history and how we had already been introduced to the audience and had a story independent of his. i also like how she wasn't falling at his feet and also in s4 when he basically used her and she called him out and told him he actually needed to treat her like a friend. why they just decided to take their story in the direction they did, i'll never know. they've written bathena AMAZINGLY and have done a wonderful job with madney, not sure why they aren't doing the same with buck. because after AB, PK, and JLH who came with an already established fanbase, buck/OS seems to be highly popular among the audience and deserves better writing. he was single majority of season 6, so i guess i can't say i wish he was single much longer. i hope natalia becomes a character we can invest in separately from buck. i'm pleased with what very little we've seen so far.

whoever, you are thank you for sending this! and here's to hoping we get season 7 by january 2024.

[galactic-pirates]

Strange New Worlds - Episode 1

Paramount+ launched in the UK yesterday. As a side note I have a small amount of amusement as whomever designed the Disney+ website, did this one - they are identical! Anyway, the moment I finished the episode I had to login to raid so didn't have time to ramble. Let's see if I can remember stuff I thought!

So it's been 3 months since Discovery season 2 finale and Pike sure can grow a long beard in that time. I don't quite know what the logic was for showing that woman at Pike's cabin (establishing Pike is a ladies man??) especially as that's a recognisable actress and according to IMDB that's her only appearance in the show. Very strange (no pun intended haha).

Anyway, moving on. T'Pring has some major thirst for Spock. Although I confess my initial thought was why were they kissing with their mouths? I guess that was for the benefit of the casual audience as it would have made more sense as Vulcan's for their hands to be being all sensual. I read some dates and her "I won't chase you across the galaxy" kinda makes sense as isn't it like 8 years or something until the Kirk vs Spock pon farr fight?

Let's see what is next. Oh! I enjoyed the fact that Enterprise is getting patched up from the battle, all the crew are on leave unless needed, and Number One was like "nope, give me another ship I'm bored" as I got some major Eve Baird vibes from that. I watched the Librarians show premiere AGAIN the other day (I love it so much) and Eve's all "but sir what am I supposed to do for a month??" so yes very good.

Ortegas on the conn is something I want to see more of, with her dry wit of "why is it always when I'm in the Captain's chair" plus it's just the humour as well of the Captain, the first officer, Spock (who's basically second in command) just all on the away mission. Like yes lets just send our entire leadership down and hope nothing bad happens!

Oh I adored the humour and the banter between Chapel and M'Benga when they were chasing that guy around the ship. I also loved the little peek at Uhura's character. The dude was freaking out and she just chatted to him about something from his planet and totally put him at ease. Chapel practically didn't have to sedate him to be honest.

I haven't got a satisfactory answer off google and so I remain confused. Of all the characters (apart from Pike and Spock) then La'an was the one that got the most fleshing out this episode, so I'm guessing her backstory is going to be important to the seasons overall plot. However, I still don't get whether she's related to Khan or related to the scientists that created Data, or is it both? I watched Picard and when they went back to 2024 the Soong then pulled out a file which seemed to hint at Khan.

Speaking of 2024 I had a "can't quite believe they went there" moment when they showed footage with 'audit the vote' as a precursor to the second civil war and then world war three. To be honest that made me more scared than anything because it feels a bit too possible. While I would like the Star Trek future, I definitely don't want the nuclear armageddon they endured to get there.

Ok back to Pike and his soul-searching. Every now and then I find random bits on my hard drive and apparently after season 2 of Discovery I started a Pike fanfic. I had a "I don't remember this place" when I found the doc but it's a thing. Interestingly I had Pike as a prisoner in jail having done something very reckless because "if I know how I'm going to die, then my day is not today and nothing really matters" and then I was building up to basically Number One sitting on him and reaffirming what Cornwell said which is "you can't think like that, because knowing your fate doesn't give you God-like powers to just live through anything" as a bit of a reality check. This time it was a bit more subtle and La'an and Spock provided the nudge but it seems Pike got to a similar sort of headspace in the end.

There wasn't really enough Number One in this for me, and with her being the focus of the rescue mission (and then her injury) she didn't get to do anything badass either. However, I have seen some gifs and I know her moment to shine will come.

I liked the thing about consequences. I dislike that Starfleet command are idiots that don't understand them but I'm glad that Pike did. General Order Number One (aka the Prime Directive) shouldn't be a license not to clean up their own messes. As Pike said they had already interfered, so they needed to try and make it as positive as possible. The warp weapon wasn't part of their 'natural development' so letting them blow themselves up with it shouldn't be either. So good for Pike, but a bad look for Starfleet.

This was a solid episode. It had a good plot. There was some good character stuff, some humour. I wanted more but then I always do. I think they could have cut a few minutes of Pike and Spock at the start and given them to the other crew, but I'm hoping that Ortegas and the others will get their time in future episodes. That's the problem with decent ensemble casts, they'd need to double episode lengths to really give them the time they deserve.

Oh! One last thing I actually googled this after to make sure I hadn't misheard and I hadn't - Shuttle 'Stamets' I screamed because what a cool reference! I love Stamets and it was a nice nod. I mean as far as most people are concerned Discovery either never existed or was destroyed (I'm a bit fuzzy on which given the spore drive and wiping that from the records). But either way a little memorial to Stamets who is probably thought dead was nice.

I'm going to give this I think a 4/5 rating. That might go up or down on rewatches as sometimes context makes me feel differently about stuff. However, generally it was as positive and awesome as I'd hoped! Thus far I'm not disappointed and as I've kinda over-hyped this in my head, I am so relieved about that!

[vanchlo]

The Partner / Chapter Fourteen, "The Ten"

Word Count: 5.9k words /  Story Masterlist /  Read The Assistant /  Read on Wattpad / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics

I wasn't sure what had brought me here. It had felt like yesterday since I'd shut this door last, even if weeks had passed since. I'd never been able to shut it on that day and I knew that I wouldn't be able to, not fully.

"Babe! Are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the meeting," a voice calls from down below. Gulping hard, my heart stays stuck in my throat at the sight before me. It hadn't been the only one this morning that was hard to swallow.

"Coming!" The upstairs guest bedroom door closes behind me. I can't help but look at it over my shoulder, still unsure of why I had come up here. "We're not going to be late, Harry! When was it that you started to become so anal about being early?"

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, he doesn't attempt to hide the way his eyes roll at my remark. They finally settle on me, registering my eyebrow raise I challenge him with.

"Since you take fricken forever to get ready in the mornings, and the boss needs to be early," he tuts, nodding his head towards the front door. I hadn't noticed before how he holds it open, but now, the spring sunshine is unmistakable. "Come on already. I put our stuff in the car while you were dilly dallying upstairs. What were you doing up there anyways? It took me a few times to get your attention."

We'd long ago passed the time of saying 'thank you's for holding doors open, but habit aside, I still say it. Pulling the seatbelt across my chest, I ruminate on his question as he messes with the radio beside me. I'd become a master at being able to tell when his eyes were on me, and right now was no exception, because when I glance over at him, he's doing just that. The words hesitated on my tongue because at times I still found it hard to talk to him about her. We shared her and the grief around her. There was nobody else in this world who could know how I felt about her besides him, but the struggle persisted.

Avoiding his eyes had been my go-to when I didn't want to answer him. I did it now but it didn't serve me well, because of what I find instead. It seemed that nearly every time my eyes came upon it, it was impossible to not trace the curves of ink. It had lived on the inside of my wrist for over two weeks now and I still hadn't gotten used to it. When I thought that way, I realize I was never one to get used to things. My mother's abuse. Harry's coldness towards me in the beginning, only to be changed into sporadic softness. Then we became friends and something more, and it was hard to wrap my head around. He got hurt and I almost lost him, and it was something I still couldn't believe. It was a recurring theme in my life, especially as of late.

The permanence on my skin is interrupted by the soft edges and lines of his hand. A relief is kissed onto my skin when his fingers lace with mine, his thumb paying attention to the capital letter P in his handwriting on my skin. I don't know what does it but suddenly, I'm looking at the melancholy lifting his lips.

"I don't know but I wanted to look at her things in the nur- guest bedroom. The sonograms and clothes . . to remember that she was real and ours when . . when today I feel like I need to pretend that she wasn't," the words tumble from my lips as my throat feels tight with remembering. "I miss her."

"I miss her too," Harry says with a softness saved for times like these, which seemed to be quite often lately. It speaks louder when his lips press a kiss to the top of my hand. "But we don't have to act as if she never happened, Becks."

"I want to though. Not to act like- I'm just not ready to talk about her with people at work yet. It's almost been two months and I feel like I should be ready by now."

Repeating in and out inside of my head didn't help to steady the breaths trying to swim into my lungs. What did succeed was letting myself live in the unending sage color of his eyes, wondering what the flecks of gold would feel like if I swam in them.

"That's okay too, honey. People know not to ask and I said not to. It's more so something that you bring up yourself if you want to," he murmurs, thumbing at the escapist tear that got through my guard. "Are you sure you don't want to stay home another day? I can work from home whenever I want, you know."

"I'm sure," he had barely put a period to his words and I was insisting. His nod was fast but I could read the hesitancy in it. I tried to push it out of my mind as the car began to move, my thumb occupied by the same traces of ink on the inside of his right wrist, a P in my handwriting.

It wasn't how I thought I'd be living my life today, carrying the memory of my daughter in my heart and on the inside of my wrist, instead of in my arms in a few months.

*

I had thought at once that it was a sight for sore eyes, but now I couldn't be more sure that it wasn't. Still, I wasn't certain how I felt about it now. Seeing it had brought forth a nostalgia I yearned for, wanting to go back to a time where we were so naive and unknowing of what the future held for us. It also dug up a pain that could be unfathomable, because I knew how different things were the last time I stood outside his office door, looking in. Our happiness had been unmatched and upon realizing that, I felt my throat grow dry.

He looked more handsome than ever with the short beard he'd come to keep, one that swims into view upon turning around. I'd been caught.

"Hi, bug," Harry says, a smile making the dimples dive into his cheeks. It was small but it brought a glow to his face that I'd missed. "Are you heading out?"

Nodding was all that I could do as I stepped foot in his office. Even if it wasn't the first time today it still stung. Everything I missed was what I thought of when I stood in here. It was the framed sonogram missing beside his desktop, the space behind the guest chairs where I'd showed him the pregnancy test, and on the couch where we spelled out potential names with Scrabble tiles. That was only the beginning of what stabbed at me like knives, even if things had gotten better. It had only been two weeks since we'd started to talk and I had come to feel so much better, almost like myself again. I wasn't sure if I'd admit it but he was right. I'd come back to work too soon and it had been too much. I couldn't decide when I would tell him that I had cried in the bathroom twice today because of it all. He'd wonder when that had happened since I had been at his side all day helping him start on his new case, but I'd thought about her all throughout. I hadn't known that coming back here would stir up so many thoughts about her. How could I?

"Becks?"

"Y-Yeah, soon," I belatedly answer, grateful for his bookshelf in front of me. I know that he knows the truth, but it could seem as if I was lost in reading his titles, instead of consumed by my thoughts. No, Harry was smarter than that. He knew that I had perused his bookshelf more times than fingers I had on one hand, more than one normal person would. "You're sure it's okay that I take the car?"

"Of course. I'll just catch a ride with Myles. We still have a few things to go over anyways. We're not sure if we're sold on that one guy for the new hire or not, so we have to figure out what to do."

I couldn't find it in me to make a comment. Today had taken so much more from me than I had anticipated. I knew that there would be awkward interactions and maybe the curious looks. I didn't know that the team meeting right off the bat would let everybody stare at me to their heart's content, and let me catch them in the act.

"How was today?" his voice comes, interrupting my thoughts. I had come to welcome it, knowing how it broke up my mental web of danger. He had to have known too. "Rate it."

A title catches my eye, replacing the Pain-O-Meter we'd come to adopt since it'd happened. Plucking the book off the shelf, I flip it open to find the familiar title page and a message written in black ink. I'd have a good shot at reciting it without needing it before me even as the words came to blur before my eyes.

"Pass," I mumbled, daring the tear at my nose to fall onto the paper. Brushing it away before it can, I let the words in front of me swim through my mind yet another time.

March 2024

Harry,

I couldn't count how many times I've heard you speak of this case and all that it's taught you, even inspiring you to become a lawyer, you once said. I guess maybe I should have kept it for myself seeing as how you know next to everything about it, but maybe you won't know some of this 'never before seen' stuff. I call dibs on being the first one to borrow it from you, seeing as how it's a new release. I hope that one day we can bring justice and right a wrong like seen in this landmark case. Book aside, I couldn't ever find the words to tell you how grateful I am for you and even though it hasn't been a month yet, how much I love you, Harry. If there's a God, I'll be thanking them forever for bringing me back to you and to your firm to work beside you, and to fall in love with you all over again. I can't wait to hear you talk so passionately about this case and all of the others you look up to when we have our nightly goodnight call. I'll try not to fall asleep the next time.

Love,

Your Becks xo

"Becks?" There had been a time when I'd hated that name and how he'd mistreated it. It wasn't long after that I'd missed it deeply and wished to hear it despite being scared to. "There's no passes."

"Since when? Why can't I just for one time not have to rate my pain, Harry," I almost retort, my chest heaving when I turn to face him. His face remains stoic, that is if you were anybody but the few people who could read his face right now. The shock is clear as day and brings my hands to my mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode on you."

"It's okay," he assures me, stepping forward. His hand on my wrist is ginger and reassuring. "What one have you got there? Ah, the good old Glensheen murder. One of my favorite cases."

There hadn't been many times anymore that I couldn't unravel the emotions hiding on his face. Except for now, he locked it up good as he thumbed at the page, nostalgia lifting his lips into his cheeks. It made the sting louder inside of me as his mouth relaxed into its former line, a wetness clinging to his eyes.

"I'd started to think about how I'd tell our kids how I became a lawyer and it always started with this case here," unlike before, a dullness lept into the curling of his lips, a smile dipped in sour memories. "I thought of it with P, telling her how Daddy became a lawyer because of Glensheen . . but I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to think about."

A hastiness filled my actions, first with my hand on his forearm. The velvet button down he'd picked for today felt like butter beneath my fingers, but it was the only easy part about this. No, the wetness spilling onto his cheeks only made it harder and so did prying the book from his hands. It wasn't any smoother looking into his eyes as mine welled with what filled his.

"I'll rate today if you will," my gentle words came, volumes different from mine that had come before.

"Eight and a half," Harry said dryly, clearing his throat afterward. I knew how he craved a glass of water to soothe the cracks in his throat. If only it could do the same to the heart.

"That's your first eight in a week and a half," I note aloud and his acknowledgement is absent. That is unless you count his eyes falling away from mine, focused on dragging his finger along the letter on my wrist as if he could do it forever.

"What's yours?" his question is quiet, but I could hear his voice in the loudest of darks. It was what had dragged me out of my lowest of lows, afterall.

"Nine . . and a half."

It was my turn to stare at my hands and avoid the gaze of the other. I could feel his as I tried to swallow past the heart shaped ball in my throat, trying to forget how quickly his head lifted.

"You haven't had a nine in weeks, bug," Harry remarks and I don't bother to nod. What would be the point? I don't want to make it any more real than it has to be. "Becks, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When you say nine . . do you mean a ten?" his question made sense but I didn't want it to, because that would mean I'd have to come up with an answer. That wasn't something I could do.

*

Waiting was something I had done a lot of recently and what joined it was my feeling of something being amiss. I had blamed it on losing Phoebe and how it had upset my entire life, but standing here now, both rang too true. I couldn't put a finger on why I hesitated opening the door, even though I had been here just the other night. It had been Harry and I's first double date back with Asher and Skye. We had played Cards Against Humanity and sat around the old rinky dink deep fryer whilst picking our cards.

Leaving that night, my stomach was full from the pizza rolls, cheese curds, steak bites, and more that we deep fried, but that wasn't why my gut felt off. Skye had been acting weird and I couldn't put a finger on it. Sure, things had been different since losing Phoebe, but I knew it wasn't that. Tonight, I hoped it would come to light. If only I'd known now what I would later, I would have never come at all.

There was no answer when I knocked on the door, so I let myself in like usual. Our favorite chicken bacon ranch pizza Skye had promised me wafted from the oven where it cooked. After a quick glance around the open apartment, I find that I'm alone. That's odd, I think to myself, remembering running into Asher in the parking garage on my way from leaving work today. Their cars were parked out front and Skye's purse and keys are scattered across the island. Just like the old times, I muse silently as I begin to toe off my shoes until I stop.

Loud voices carry from down the hallway and immediately I recognize them as the two blondes I'm looking for. Removing my shoes is forgotten as I inch my way into the apartment, trying to listen. Normally, I'd feel guilty eavesdropping and so I don't often do it, but that went out the window when I heard my name. It sounds like they're fighting, but what about? Does it have something to do with me? Why would it? The questions bloom behind my eyes as the sound of their arguing grows when I come closer.

Stopping outside my old bedroom door, I felt more than uncomfortable, but it only grew as I waited. It had been weird at first finding out that Asher and Skye moved into my old bedroom, but knowing that it was the biggest, it made sense. Something inside of me tells me to stop and that I shouldn't be stepping into such a private moment of theirs. If it were the other way around I wouldn't want somebody to eavesdrop on me and Harry talking, and least of all a fight. But I can't stop after I hear my name for a second time.

"Skye, you have to tell Becky. You can't wait any longer."

"Don't you think I know that, Ash? I've been trying to think of how to say it, but for the life of me I can't," my best friend sighs. A whining sound follows her words, presumably after she plopped down onto the mattress. But when it comes a second time, I realize it's drawn from her lips.

"It'll be easier the sooner you tell her, babe. You know that." An unmistakable sigh whooshes from my best friend's lips on the other side of the door. "It can't wait any longer. Maybe you should tell her tonight."

"No! She just went back to work earlier this week and Harry said that she's doing better. I don't want to ruin any of that by telling her."

"She'll understand, Skye, and I know how much you want to tell her, to share this happiness with her. It was all I could do the other night to not talk about it, because I'm excited too," Asher admits with exasperation. Another sound tells me that he's joined her to sit on the bed.

"Of course I want to tell her, but how do I tell her about . . "

I hadn't known how I had gotten here. That's stupid because, of course, I did. But sitting here now, the steering wheel of Harry's car slick with my tears, I still wish I hadn't heard what I did. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't erase it from my memory, and no amount of tears could make it better. Each breath I took sent shoots of pain through my chest as it shook with fitful sobs. The engine still ran, rumbling softly even through the steering wheel my head rested on.

I had lost track of how long I'd sat here after pulling into the driveway. I knew that he would hear the garage door if I pulled in, so I was waiting. He didn't seem to hear or see the car yet, something I was grateful for. I wasn't ready yet, but would I ever be after what I just learned? Just as much as she didn't know how to tell me, I had no idea how I could tell Harry.

The laugh track of a TV show is what I hear first upon opening the door, followed by a wisecrack from Joey on FRIENDS. My heart squeezed at the sound of Harry's subsequent giggle, and knowing how I was about to take it away. I closed the door softly as I could and still knew that he would hear it. It's instantaneous how quickly the TV is turned down and how my unrelenting crying replaces the sound.

"Becks? You're home already, love?" my favorite voice murmurs from the living room before alarm is racing in it. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

I could count the seconds before I hear his rushed footsteps coming my way, and then stopping in front of me. Harry's molasses voice rushes to say my name a few more times but he succeeds in one try to pull me into his arms. Taking my spot sitting against the front door, I melt inside of his arms.

"Baby, please. What's wrong? You're scaring the shit out of me," it was hard to make out the concern in his voice amidst the spinning of my thoughts. It was there but I knew that had things been normal inside of me, I'd be able to hear the panic and fear living in his voice. "Are you hurt?" hurrying to ask, his hands run along my body, as if checking for injuries.

His neck smells sweet with vanilla from his cologne and then woodsy all at once, a smell that used to calm me in seconds. No, not now. Inhaling, I try to focus on his voice and the feeling of his fingers in my hair, but it's more than hard. It's only after snaking my arm out from around him and my fingers into his, do I find my bearings. His chin was sandpapery against my head and although he'd wake me up with the weird feeling, I welcome it now. It's what roots me to the spot and brings me back to him.

"Becks honey, talk to me . . Don't run away from me again," sorrow leaked from his words that began to break on his lips. "Please."

"Harry," his name came out in a sob deep from inside of me. The second I'd heard those words drop from Skye's lips I had wanted him . . needed him. I had known that's the only thing that could ever make it better, but could it after I utter the words that had been spinning webs in my head? "S-Skye . . . "

"What, is Skye alright? Did something happen to her? Did-."

"Skye's pregnant, H-Harry."

*

What woke me wasn't the feeling of his fingernails dragging along my arm, raising goosebumps. It was a nightmare that I couldn't place once I'd opened my eyes, but that didn't matter because I'd woken up to one. The night before came flooding back to me, making me remember why my throat burned and my eyes stung. It was from the screams I shouted in the car where nobody could hear me, not even God who they were meant for. No, I doubted he heard me or saw the way I chased breaths between sobs.

"Morning, bug," Harry rasped in his voice dripping with extra honey.

Something unspoken hid in his words and in the way he covered my face with loud kisses. I didn't laugh or even break a smile. It was impossible after the newly awake ignorance washed away seconds after waking. I felt the hesitation in his movements, the way his chin now tucking my head to his chest moved when he was going to speak only to stop. He wanted to ask how I slept or what I dreamt about. It was the usual stuff but I knew that he was choosing his words carefully after all of the ones that were said last night.

I felt lost in my own, not knowing what to say. It was almost as bad as before when a chasm broke through our lives, carrying us away from each other. Almost but not quite. The thought made me cling to him with fear, never wanting to lose him ever again after all of the times that I had already.

"Shhh, I'm here. I-I know it's not okay right now, but it will be eventually," he cooed to me, fingers nimble and gentle where they dragged through my snarled hair.

"How, Harry? How am I going to be okay seeing her have what I want? I have to watch my best friend have a baby when- when I should be pregnant with her too. I-I . . ," no other words are possible as I begin to shake in his arms. Again.

"I know, buggie," is all that he says, speaking volumes more through his fingers drawing shapes into my back.

"How many times have they called?"

His hand pauses, frozen in a soft claw against my spine, "How'd you know? I thought you were asleep."

"I was but I know h-how they are . . She was so upset, Harry. I still feel so bad for how it happened."

"They each called about ten times already since last night between our two phones. I've gotten a few texts as well but I don't know how to answer them," he murmurs and I can only nod. His calming humming begins against my hair, some tune by The Paper Kites that he caught me listening to when I was his assistant, saying it was a favorite of his too. "Skye already said a hundred times that she understands that this is hard for you . . It's what all her texts and voicemail said."

"How can she say that she understands wh-when she's never lost a baby?" out it comes and I can't take it back, despite all of the times that I had thought it. His words of comfort begin but I'm too quick to shut them down. "But I should be happy for her and Asher," I whisper into his chest, the familiar warmth of his necklace against my cheek.

"You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, Becks. We don't get to choose how we feel . . However you're feeling is okay and it's understandable," Harry says, tracing circles under his t-shirt he pulled over me last night when I couldn't get dressed myself. "To be honest, I'm quite pissed at the world at the moment and somehow at them too. It doesn't make sense but feelings never do . . I had the hugest crush on you when we met and I had a girlfriend. It didn't make one bit of sense to me."

All that I can muster is a hummed acknowledgement before words find me, "You fought it and it didn't go away though. I want this to go away. I don't want to be jealous and mad but . . I don't know how I can't be. It's not fair, Harry."

Any licks of morning light is doused out by black when I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing that was the trick to keeping the tears in.

"I know, honey bug. Life is never fair, unfortunately . . but we're going to have our own family one day. It'll happen for us when we're ready again . . And if you can't do it, watching Skye become a Mum, then you don't have to. I don't want you causing yourself any more pain. You've already been through so much."

"But she's my best friend, Harry, ever since first grade."

"Then give it time, babe. Healing doesn't happen in a day . . We both know that."

"How can I heal if everyday I'm reminded of it, Harry? Sh-She's going to have a baby and I'm supposed to be there as her best friend, like we've always planned. The best friend plans the shower and is there for the birth, and her bump is going to get bigger. I-," he stops me before I carry on and eventually implode from the feeling bursting from my words.

"You can only do so much, and however much that is - big or small - is okay. Skye will understand," he insists from above, nudging his nose against my temple. "Shhh, shhh. It's going to be okay, babe. I promise."

Harry's words ghost over my face, smelling of the minty toothpaste we use. If my body wasn't shaking with waterfalls of tears, I'd try to care what time it is and why he isn't at work. Part of me wants to ignore it and that's the one I listen to, letting him rock me back and forth inside of the safety in his arms.

"Thanks for staying w-with me," I blubber against his neck, finding purchase with my hands cupping his shoulders.

"Always, my love. Thank you for doing the same. I know it seems like we keep getting hit down as soon as we get up."

"No kidding," I hiccup.

Trying to focus on the Elton John song he sings to me instead of the danger concocting inside of my head is no easy task. It was one of our favorite songs but it still couldn't stop me from thinking about how it should be Skye and me pregnant together. We'd dreamt out loud how many times since we were six that we'd be mothers together and our kids would be best friends. Now, that will never happen, I think miserably, wishing that things could be different just like I had thought for the last two months. Those thoughts spun back into how I'd have to stand by her side through it all, pretending that I wasn't insanely jealous and resentful. That sentence in itself makes me cry louder against his bare chest, because she was my best friend and how could I be so mad at her for something that was so amazing? I can't but I am.

It was the very same thing I'd said last night after the bedroom door had opened, all of our mouths agape. I'd tripped on my own feet, or their news had knocked me off them, I suppose. It had sent one of their plants onto its side and profanities from my mouth.

"Ree . . Oh my god," Skye had gasped, a hand to her mouth, of course. The face I had known for so many years, watched change over and over, had paled so that it almost matched the wall behind it. "Please. I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way. I promise I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how. I-."

"I can't do this, Skye. I'm sorry but I-I can't. I don't know how to," I had muttered hastily, my wet eyes already painting my face only moments before hers.

It was only seconds later that Asher had exclaimed my name for there to be no response. Moments before slamming the door, I heard him call after Skye whose footsteps trailed behind me.

"Ree, please! I'm sorry!" she had shouted after me, in a voice that snagged on the fresh crack in my heart.

"Skye, don't. She'll be okay, just give her time."

With a pained sob just before the door closed, I heard her choke out, "I never wanted to hurt her."

"Is there anything I can do to take your mind off it, bubs? It's not healthy to keep replaying it over in your head, and I know you are," Harry's murmur comes, trying to shut the door on the memory. One that is still too fresh and new, too much like the puddle of red I sat on in this very bed that morning. We'd made our way back into our bedroom and into our old lives, thinking things were going back to normal. Little did we know. Shaking my head does little to erase the thoughts, no matter how many times I do it.

"Your head's not an Etch A Sketch, bug. Stop, baby, please," he insists, bringing a hand to my head, trying to make me stop. If only I could erase the thoughts like the old toy we played with as kids. Skye and I would fight over who used it, even if we both were terrible at it. "Please, just tell me what I can do to make it all better."

"You can't always fix it, Harry. Thank you for t-trying, but . . "

Puffing, the crack in my heart widens at the pain held in just his sigh. "I wish more than anything I could, Becks. I'm the husband, the d-dad. I should be fixing it."

"Don't. You can't a-and that's okay," I say with a voice colored with the very opposite, because it really isn't okay.

"Even though it's not . . okay."

Nodding my head quickly into him answers that then and there, as if the tears loud from my eyes didn't say that already.

"I see now why you've never rated your pain as a ten before today . . ," he didn't need to finish his thought because my mind knitted it up for him. Because I need to save it for when it could be nothing else but a ten.

"I miss her. I never even met her and I miss her so much it hurts," my voice trembles, colored with memories that had just become bearable to recall. Now, I feel as if I need to find the key to lock them back up in their box because they're too painful to think about. "I just want her back, Harry."

"I know, sweetheart. So do I," his lips brush against my temple with his words, pressing a kiss there that stays. At least I have Harry. I can get through anything with him by my side. I find it in me to take a full breath at that realization, holding onto him tighter.

*

What now, I thought silently but the words spoke volumes. Underneath me the mattress squeaked when I tried to get comfortable. Tugging at my shirt, my eyes fell to my legs clad in a fresh pair of jeans. It felt bizarre to be wearing them. I hadn't gotten dressed in four days, because I could barely get out of bed. It was too much like the last time and it scared me to no end, because I didn't want to lose everything like before.

I didn't want to get dressed today or to take a shower for the first time since I'd heard about Skye, but I did. Harry gave me time and didn't push me, but when he left for work this morning, again without me, I found it in me to do it. My body had already gotten used to the baggy feeling of Harry's oversized shirt and sweatpants. Now, it wasn't sure about these jeans or the warm black and brown Argyle sweater I'd found in his closet. Dragging a brush through my snarled hair seemed like the most work I could do all day, let alone warming up leftovers after it. This time, I hadn't lost myself completely, but I still didn't feel like me. Knowing what I did changed everything once again, and I didn't know how to do it.

Staring back at me, the meticulous plans Harry and I had made seemed impossible now. The blinking cursor nagged at me to type in the shared Google document, knowing Harry would see it. The top listed the logical need to know things and then the places we'd go, followed by the costs and smaller details. It had only been a week since we'd looked at our wedding plans together, but it had seemed much longer now. Seeing the dress decorated with lace and sewn flowers in our closet pained me, making me wonder how I'd get my best friend to do my hair and makeup now. I knew that she would come, even if I hadn't answered any of her texts or phone calls since it had happened. But how could I do it?