#anyway. i don't blame anyone for not getting that. you'll figure out what you need to; so will i; maybe i'm wrong but? there's still so muc

[edge-oftheworld]

starting to have a way of processing my reaction for when i see what i call 'shallow hearts for shallow minds' takes on here like. do you not know how when you don't feel something at the time it catches up with you later? do we not understand the cumulative nature of nervous system stress and how. sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. sometimes getting better isn't about being happy, it's about feeling things as they come rather than trying to force yourself to be happy. making choices that will lead to the most happiness, even if they're painful at the time. i won't know exactly where an artist is at, neither do you, but I can trust that they're making the kind of decisions that are a step forward in self care in times where I see something that looks familiar and i'm like. i think i've been there. i know it doesn't make so much sense to everyone, but, that's what the fandom's for right?

[upsidedownmvnson]

CONGRATS ON 1K!!!!! AHHHH YOU DESERVE IT

What about a reader who's basically a female version of steve (used to be popular, is trying to be better, still a bit judgy...) and dustin is trying to set them up and neither of them like the idea until they have the opportunity to really know eachother and then are like "umm maybe i do like you"

upsidedownmvnson's 1k followers blurb celebration &lt;3 request a 1k word blurb :) deadline is saturday <3

idk this doesn't feel like my best work - i want to try again.

warnings: manipulation from ex mentioned,

eddie should've known that dustin had a plan. he's been trying to get you and eddie to hangout for weeks but eddie is stubborn as fuck.

but he believed you really did need a hand, so he trotted down the hallway to the closet in dustin's house, only to see you trying to climb the shelves to reach the box dustin had sent you to get. he contemplated not helping you, until it looked like you were going to slip. and the last thing he needed was you somehow blaming it on him.

"here," he says lowly, gruff, unfriendly. how he always talks to you.

you say nothing, but you climb down anyway. once he steps beside you in the small walk-in, the door slams shut, and eddie isn't fast enough, grabbing the handle after dustin turned the key. the knob doesn't budge.

"fuck," eddie says, frustrated. he didn't want to come tonight. not when robin and steve's new best friend, you, were going to be here. he just can't stand you. he's projecting his problem, and he even knows that.

you say nothing, just stand quietly near him. you don't move, afraid you'll somehow make him more mad. you'd tried. you tried everything you could think of to get eddie to see you for more than who you were a few years ago. but nothing seemed to work. dustin encouraged you to keep trying, but the constant rejection was starting to add up.

"what?"

he caught you staring, and you turn away. happy for the confines of darkness to hide the embarrassed blush across your cheeks.

"nothing, sorry." your tone is sharp. probably what makes eddie so on edge around you. he thinks you don't like him, and you think he doesn't like you. and you two just ended up as rivals. it was like you were back in highschool.

but you'd never even really spoken to eddie in school - so you just don't know why he hates you so much.

you laughed. and eddie looked at you confused. you shook your head, "it's pretty ridiculous," you said, laughing again. "like, the old lock 'em in the closet gag. how long did it take him to figure that one out?"

"don't make fun of him," eddie snaps.

you look taken back. "i'm not."

"you are, you always are."

"if i'm so mean then why am i always invited over. why does dustin call me begging for me to show up?"

"you make him beg?"

"i don't make anyone do anything," you say, the conversation turning hostile as it usually did. eddie twisting your words to make something silly into something ugly. "he just wants me to join."

"but why does he beg? better places to be than with the freaks?"

"i literally have nowhere else to be, it's just getting old getting fucking berated everytime i go out with my friends."

"who berates you?"

you looked around confused, was he serious? he looked shocked, as if he was figuring out that, uh yeah, you were talking about him.

"i can't walk into the room without you making some snide little remark under your breath. don't think i don't hear you constantly mocking me while we're in the group. and by the way you're the only one of us to ever refer to them as freaks."

you bang on the door a couple of time, "let me out!"

"not until you guys figure out how to be civil," dustin mumbled through the door.

"let us out, henderson," eddie said, hitting the door once with his fist.

"hey eddie," steve shouts through the door. "remember what we talked about? why don't you see for yourself?"

you two kept shouting to be let out, but after a few minutes it was clear that they'd left. a minute later you hear loud music turn on in the other room.

"well," you said, sliding down the wall of the closet. eddie did the same across from you. "can we just be civil and be done with it?"

"look," he says, "i just can't, okay?"

"why?"

"you know why."

"i don't."

"stop playing dumb, i'm starting to get angry again."

"i'm really, really not playing dumb."

"you and your friends in high school? all those times that your boyfriend would be bullying kids and you did nothing, you did nothing, but stand nearby and follow him around, it was sick."

"yeah, i know."

"and you were always defending him. like it was us who didn't understand. and you... you know?"

"he was mean to me too, i was scared of him."

eddie doesn't say anything.

"he always said he would like, hurt himself, if i left and like, just insane shit. i'm not proud of who i was."

eddie still doesn't say anything, just watches you. you shrink under the pressure.

"and you know what? how come everyone gets a second chance but me? nancy and steve were part of the cool kids too and you gave them a second chance. you haven't even given me one."

"i thought that..."

"what, eddie? just lay the cards on the table and let's talk about it."

"i thought you hated me," eddie says.

"i'm sorry eddie. i don't hate you, you just make me anxious."

and then eddie feels like shit. because he's thinking about it and you're right. you'd never, ever struck first in any of the verbal fights with him. and you were always tense around him - he thoguht it was hate but you were scared, you thought he was going to be mean to you. and he realizes he's been blinded by some petty grudge that he hasn't given you a chance to be yourself.

"i'm sorry," edide says, his voice breaks and he feels like his core values have been ignored. he was the one in the wrong. "maybe we can... maybe we can like talk?"

you shuffled to the other side of the closet, scooped eddies hand in yours to comfort him, and smiled at him. you could see his glossy eyes even without the light. "i'd like that."

eddie smiled, not knowing where to start but excited to try.

[panie-wanie-dean-bean]

hi panie wanie dean bean, im...feeling a little down, very down, actually, and i was wondering if u had any cult au headcanons? ur writing always cheers me up, maybe how the boys would deal with the cult leader having a stressful sobbing throw things breakdown in private, over a thing they cannot change, maybe even trying to run away towards the thing but getting stopped, and then promptly shutting down for a week? like not eating much, not wanting to talk to anyone, pondering on the state of things, i have a feeling barry would relish it and try to figure out what it was to trigger them at some time later, even that thought somehow comforts me

if u feel like responding, thank you sincerely 💕

Well I'm sorry you're not feeling well, as for headcanons let's see...

While Barry would defiantly be taking notes to get this out of you later he could only watch you suffer for so long before he starts to...feel things. He hates how you can make him feel, how...bad he feels seeing you sad. He'd never fucking talk about it but if he knows you're spaced out he'd wrap a blanket around you and feed you some froyo with sleep meds inside it. If he's the first to notice he slides an anonymas letter under all your other harem members doors. You won't see him again until he catches wind of you feeling better

Elias and Bo are always down to cuddle with you and listen to you if you need to vent. Elias will stay with you 24/7 while Bo is more your runner if you ever need food, water etc

Jack is actually really good at helping people get out of a bad head space, when he doesn't want them in that head space anyway. He'll guide you into making a little more progress each day, a healthy meal or snack, a chore done, 15 minutes out in the sun. He never blames you for not being as productive the next day, only looking forward where he knows you'll be happy (with him)

All of them visit to try and cheer you up in their own ways, and they don't blame you if you can't be cheered up right now. What's important is that you know they all love you and will be there with you no matter what

[altraviolet]

random writing thoughts

Random writing thoughts, cut for length

ONE:

how many lovers has TEG SW had? (before the war/emotion suppressing protocols were implemented)

what'd'ya think? successful & popular athlete but incredibly weird & reclusive...

I ask because I don't know the answer yet :D but you'll find out the answer next chapter! in the saddest way possible

when I say 40% of this shit is yolo'd, I mean it. SW's love life has not been relevant to the story, so I haven't thought much about this yet. that's how I get away with not knowing smol details til I need to.

it's not super important next chapter - it's going to be a throwaway detail buried in a paragraph of description - it doesn't have to be there. but we need to start creeping into that sort of territory.

I think he's had at least a handful. but more than that? not sure. he's never loved anyone, but he has delighted in others ;D

actually I just thought about this a bit more. I figured he'd have his pick of partners, being famous and all. and he'd probably be fascinated/intrigued/attracted to at least a few people. so maybe a handful. but anyone in the audience watching what he does with his tentacles would be TERRIFIED to be alone with him. LOL. like, you see what he does with that primary tentacle. you wanna be fucking dead??? this is hilarious now. and also I still don't have an answer xD

TWO:

AO3 only counts finished fics towards your word count for the year, so unless I finish TEG this year and/or write something else, I'm going to have ZERO word count for 2023. Which sucks, cuz I've written tens of thousands of words for TEG this year. I wish AO3 could count actually uploaded words for the year.

so that, plus we are in Spooky Times, makes me wanna write a short horror story. I have a very basic idea, I have 2 characters in mind, but I can't figure out the plot. or the reason for The Horror Thing. trying to engage the World Building Brain Cells but they are quiet right now D: I'mma blame that on being sick.

anyway. trying not to be bummed about not writing much. MUST. WRITE. I've been too tired to even go grocery shopping. I'M SO TIRED being an adult is so tiring. taking Friday off tho, I hope I write then ;A;

THREE:

I'm listening to "Thousand Miles" by Tove Lo and it made me realize this is totally a TEG Mirage/Skywarp song! so for those folks who like making playlists, there's one for ya :)

[thralloftimegaming]

Game Dev Update for June

Happy July everybody!! ??? Half the year is gone already oh no!!!

I hope you're all well and staying safe out there!

My month was going alright, but one of my housemates moved out so my rents went up, I should be opening some #commissions soon for #pixel #portrait #gifs!

Anyway, here's what I did in June!

(full quality version here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/83905870)

NPC Buildings

Since painting is done with Brushes (or bombs!) now, I took the menu option out of the House menu. In it's place I've added the option to change the Building materials.

1500

Even added a preview of the material change. It's actually just changing them and then reverting when you cancel, but don't tell anyone!!

I've taken out the floor and replaced it with a draw loop on the foundation, figured it saves the number of objects in existence.

Rebuilt how NPC Buildings are generated, they now use an array of strings as reference and loop a designated row/column if the size is bigger than the source size.

1526

1527

Used the same system to draw the NPC buildings when in the Build/Placement Menu!

1536

Now I can just edit the array that stores the data and all 3 will change!

Updated the system for changing The Materials that Building parts are made from to no longer destroy and remake the Building. This means I can keep Painted sections if I bring that back.

1539

Reworked the Collision detection for when you're resizing Buildings, it now correctly detects the Buildings Objects, like Bed/Control Orb/etc

Also updated this so if the size hasn't changed it doesn't destroy and recreate the building again, which was always daft XD

1540

I guess I should do something about Rugs being placed in relation to the Building coordinates instead of the World coordinates ?:| Also I still need to save the location of the Objects for Save games, since when you load it will put them back to where they were in relation to the original shape/size.

Building Objects now have the correct position loaded on Save file load!

And I only broke rugs once in doing it!

1543

Found a slight issue, you can get stuck in the Bartop in Cafe's if you resize too much  Upwards, so I've disabled that for them specifically. Guess you'll have to choose you placement more carefully!

1544

Goblin Schedules/Pathfinding

Updated Housed Goblins to go to their bed after 22:00, and wake up after 08:00.

[image too big for tumblr, see Patreon post for fullsize gif :(]

1509

Shortly after recording this gif I fixed pathfinding so they wouldn't walk too close to solid objects making it no longer look like they walk through them.

Gave Goblins a Sleeping bag in case they don't have a house! And you can see them sleeping in the NPC menu!

[image too big for tumblr, see Patreon post for fullsize gif :(]

1514

Fixed Farms not working after the first crop, updated Apiary code was clearing the soils connection to them so the Goblins would just stand there until bedtime.

Tools

Changed the controls, now I've got a designated [Item Action] button instead of it being an [Attack] button with with most other Items being used with the [Interact] button. Also upgraded the Shovel to have Charge up,kinda overpowered right now though!

1515

Also added the Watering Can to the Charged Tool system

1516

Added some Particle effects and scale tween to Mining. I'll adjust their appearance at a later date, they seem a bit chonky? Getting particles just right is finicky work.

1528

Also added Particles to Chopping Trees.

1524

...added Mirrorball item for...partying? I dunno, blame Bluwit she gave me the idea!

1534

It's basically a modified Glowstick, kinda want to make it bounce up and down?

...or make it continue to work when on a Pedestal?

I'm also conflicted as to whether the coloured lights should show in the white light areas?

Minor Changes

-Removed Flooring from NPC Buildings, now just drawing it instead of them being objects.

-Added NPC Buildings to the Minimap, including their culled parts list.

-Fixed Buildings expanding into Flooring/Paving

-Fixed Walls connecting to Buildings, this would cause problems if you deleted the building as the wall wouldn't autotile afterwards.

-Made Paving not qualify as "Indoor" for the purpose of Placing things.

-Cleaned up Minimap code, removing old array stuff.

Unrelated to Goblins

I made this as a small thanks to Bluwit for supporting me on Kofi, it's Nia a character from the game she's making. Please check out her stuff! https://gamejolt.com/@bluwit @pixel-bluwit

Thank you all once again, I really appreciate your support and couldn't do this without you.

Please stay safe out there and look after yourselves.

And please keep being awesome!

[cabin12kid]

The morning was quiet. Birds chirping, some crickets still humming despite the lightening sky. The world sprawled out before Piper in shades of gray. Wind whipped at her face, tangled through her hair. It wasn't that cold, but she shivered anyway. The pack slung over her shoulder should have felt heavier, but it was all numb.

Warm arms wrapped around her, and Piper jumped in startlement before relaxing into the hug. Too many things had caught her by surprise, but at least this one wasn't trying to kill her or anyone she loved. "Whoa, sorry," a soft voice said and Piper felt her shoulders relax. "Didn't mean to scare you," Shel said.

"It's okay," Piper replied, but she swallowed. She didn't really know how to have this conversation.

"Do I get to know where you're going?" Shel asked. Her tone was teasing, like Piper was sneaking off to go to a 7-eleven or something. Or, well, maybe not that, but something quick and ultimately innocent. Like she'd be back in a few hours, not a few months.

"No," Piper replied. She could explain, but. Well. How could she? Gods, even after all these months she hadn't really processed it all herself. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

Shel laughed, pulling away with a lopsided smile. There was a mischief in her eyes that made Piper's breath catch. Shel bumped her shoulder against Piper's, and Piper felt wholly unworthy of this. Shel never asked, never pushed, never blamed. She had every right to ask, Piper was holding so much back. She felt Shel should have pushed for more explanations, blamed her for not talking about, well, everything.

"Quit scowling," Shel said instead, "you'll get all wrinkly." She poked between Piper's eyebrows, "you're already getting some forehead creases."

For an odd moment, Piper felt oddly torn. On one hand, playing along felt right. That she wasn't getting wrinkly or some other comment like that. But that felt too much like, well, an Aphrodite kid thing to say, so she immediately didn't want to say it.

She'd taken too long to respond, and Shel sighed. And finally, finally, she asked. "Do you have to go?" Piper's stomach sank. Everything in her wound up tight. Shel had never spoken like this before, and that had been more than a blessing.

"I..." Piper tried. But what was she supposed to say? That she put everyone in danger just by being here? That she had to learn to fight ancient Greek monsters? Or worse, that she wasn't sure. She probably should go back to Camp. But did she have to, strictly speaking? She didn't know.

Shel stepped closer, ran a hand down her arm and looked into Piper's eyes, asking a silent question. Piper nodded, and Shel wrapped her in another hug. Piper hugged her back tightly, and Shel whispered soft. "It just seems like you don't want to."

Piper froze. Because that was... It was partially true. Partially. But another part of her did want to go, had been waiting to return to Camp. She wasn't over any of it at all. She was angry, she was upset, and Camp could teach her the best places to aim that anger. But she was also still sad. It felt like she hadn't had enough time. To mourn, to process things, to figure herself out-- anything. And she wasn't sure which part was bigger.

"I do want to," she said after a moment. "but..."

"Then go," Shel said, then placed a gentle kiss at her temple.

"What?" Piper asked, pulling away to see Shel's face. She was grinning, but it was lopsided, and just a little sad.

"The way you said it," Shel explained. "I know that tone." She reached down, taking Piper's hand in her own and squeezed. "You're torn, but you need to go." She shrugged, and Piper knew she wasn't the only one who had a hard time explaining herself sometimes. "And when you come home, I'll be here," she said, planting another kiss on Piper's cheek.

But she flinched back suddenly, and after a moment of confusion, Piper realized her sight had blurred, and something hot and wet was rolling down her cheeks. Oh, Gods, she was crying. Because this was ... home. A home. That had been the whole point of their adventure last year. New Rome, Camp Half-blood. Those were home too. A home Piper had fought for, but something had been missing. Something missing even from home back in California. And, without realizing it, she'd found it here.

Piper sniffled and wiped her tears away. "Sorry, I'm okay," she said, laughing a little. "I guess I just really needed to hear that."

They shared a few more moments together, as the sun rose up and colored her world. She didn't even think about it then, but there wasn't even a moment of bitterness at the god just starting his chariot ride across the sky. Then, she was off to Camp. Her other home.

[six-of-brides]

Vale: The King Of Pain

@x0-emoidiot-x0

Prophet

"'I mean, It's not like you care about this group anyways."

"You are the one that lead the teams to their deaths, spare me your criticism."

These past few weeks have been an absolute disaster. We’ve had multiple small battles in the past two weeks, five if I’m not mistaken, and we’ve lost every single one. We’ve had no time for training because we just keep getting ambushed. It’s been a constant stream of burying the dead and then running away because of another ambush. We’re barely surviving and no one knows how they keep finding us.

"Everyone, please just shut up!" Mourner says. "You'll wake up Mystic!"

Mystic is currently sound asleep on Mourner's lap. He had another grand mal today and we're trying to let him rest as much as possible. Mourner is playing with Mystic's hair as he sleeps.

"You two are so adorable…and so fucking clueless, I swear to god." I mutter.

"Bitch, that idiot can sleep through everything, stop trying to coddle him!"

Destroyer and I hold onto Mourner so he doesn't attack Deviant.

We've been here all night. I’ve been trying to plan out a strategy to at least protect us if we get attacked again. I have ideas for what might work, but Deviant doesn’t agree with me. 

"We need to plan-" I begin saying.

"What's the point?! All of your ideas are stupid and useless, anyways."

Me, Deviant, Mourner, Mystic, and Destroyer are in Deviant’s tent right now, just trying to figure something out, anything that will help us make it out alive if we get attacked again. 

"Excuse me." I say for what has to be the 15th time since I crawled into this wretched bedroom.

After vomiting my guts out, I crawl back in, and my stomach feels sick again.

"Why does this always happen when I'm near him?"

We can’t afford to lose anyone else, we’re already on our last limb here and honestly we’re just lucky to still be able to keep going. But I know that our luck will run out if this keeps up.

At the moment, I’m just trying to get Deviant to listen to me. He keeps shooting down every idea I have. And of course he’s not at a loss for cruel insults. The entire time I’ve been here, begging for him to at least give me suggestions on what we can do to prevent more casualties, he’s just made fun of me for being so naive and blamed me for all of our shortcomings.

"Deviant, despite what you may wish, you are not the leader, so could you please listen to Prophet and what he has to say?"

"His ideas-" 

All of Deviant’s insults and comments during arguments will include the most personal jabs he can come up with, and while after years of hearing them from my parents before knowing Deviant means they don’t hurt me as much, they might absolutely shatter anyone else, so I’m trying to take all of it before he says these sorts of things to them too.

"Maybe they wouldn't sound so idiotic if you just listened to them." Destroyer says

"He was stupid to make you second in command. I should have your position. I don't crume into a ball when I hear someone clap. He shouldnt lead us. He's a soft minded idiot."

He makes comments like this all the time, but never in front of other people. He’s never humiliated me like this before. And I’ve fucking had it.

I know I need to try to keep a cool head with him, even though keeping cool isn’t something I’m good with in the first place. 

"Deviant, if you don't like Me so much, then find another team."

Knowing myself, I could absolutely snap any second now, so it’s best that I don’t stand around outside and potentially make a spectacle of myself if that does happen. So I go into my own tent. As soon as I’m there, I practically collapse into a pathetic pile of anguish. Why does he keep trying to get me to step down? 

"What does he want with this team anyways? He never has any ideas, he just shoots down mine."

Time and time again, he always makes sure I know that he’s better than me in every way. Despite the fact that my power literally involves predicting the future, he always seems to be right. I guess he just knows how to fuck with me like that. 

"Or maybe I’m not as powerful as I thought."

At this point I wouldn’t be surprised, he’s made me question my sanity, my memory, and my ability to lead, so why would my own power be any exception to what he wants to make me second-guess?

I know he wants to destroy me, and at this point, it’s working. He’s ruined almost everything for me, and I feel like I constantly have to look to him for reassurance over everyone else despite the fact that I know damn well that all he’ll do is put me down. 

"So why do I keep looking for his approval? Why aren't the other's approval enough?"

He's the oldest.

"Are you guys happy that you taught me to always obey my elders?" I speak, hoping that my parents can hear.

If I looked to Destroyer, Mystic, or Mourner for that same reassurance, I would get it. And if they saw something wrong, they would just tell me without insulting me. But what would happen then is that Deviant would go after them too. That’s just how he is. 

"You have to protect your friends. He'll attack them. If he tries to get after Mourner or Mystic, the other will rip him to shreds."

And Destroyer? He's never been good around Deviant.

If that’s truly his goal here, then he’s certainly achieved it. He’s made me completely miserable and I would rather step down as a leader and go off into the desert on my own than continue to live with his foot on my throat at all times. 

Maybe I’ll go back out and at least try to talk to Destroyer again. Other than Deviant, he’s the first I go to for everything related to this kind of thing. He’s helped me a lot with strategies because he knows a lot of the inside secrets relating to FEAR that can help us, which is why he steps up when I need help. That is, when we can get Deviant out of the way.

But I’m scared that Deviant will still be there. He’s probably waiting for me to come out so he can make some nasty comment about how I’ll never be good enough to lead the Wild Ones. I’m not ready for that. Until I can find either the courage to potentially face Deviant or the confidence in my belief that he went away to torment someone else, I will be staying right here…

Destroyer

God fucking damnit, what am I supposed to do now? Deviant made a nasty comment about Prophet. Again. I take it that this is a common thing for him to do. 

“Deviant..” Mourner says, rubbing his eyes. Mystic is still sleeping like a baby.

“What? Can’t take a little criticism, can he?”

“What you did was cruel. If you have a problem with his ideas, fine. But maybe share those opinions respectfully.”

I’m sick of it. I hate seeing Deviant repeatedly get away with the things he says to everyone else here, especially Prophet.

Since I’ve met Deviant and seen him arguing with people, I’ve seen him make fun of every single trauma the people here have gone through. Prophet was raised to believe that he would never be good enough, and not a moment goes by where Deviant doesn’t toy around with Prophet’s internalization of that belief. 

“You know what he’s been through. You know that it’s hard to let go of beliefs that have been hammered into him so thoroughly. You don’t attack someone who has that history in the way you just did.” Mourner says. He is so calm about it.

That’s the one I see the most, and it really pains me to see, because I think Prophet is a great leader, he’s doing the best he can, which is pretty damn good, and he would be more confident in that if Deviant would stop making his childhood trauma seem like some funny ongoing joke.

I’ve seen him make some particularly low blows at Mourner and Mystic’s past that also hurt a lot to hear, because the things he pokes at are very obviously things that they’re very sensitive about. Mourner has had loved ones killed by FEAR, and I’ve heard Deviant go as far as to insinuate that it was Mourner’s fault that their deaths took place. Meanwhile Mystic’s parents abandoned him when he was very young because he’s epileptic.

“And why are you coddling Mystic? It’s like you’re in love with him? You know his ‘disability’-”

He doesnt get to finish his sentence before Mourner is hitting him.

“You want to talk like that do you? Try to say that it’s his fault?”

I pull Mourner off of Deviant before I have a murder to answer for.

“Deviant, go to your tent, and don’t return until you can find some human decency. I won’t even dignify a response. Go.”

He does as I say/

Knowing how Deviant is towards all of them makes me try to avoid interacting with him as much as possible. I don’t know what he knows about what I faced at the hands of my ex, and quite frankly, I don’t want to find out. I just want to be able to heal in peace without the wounds being reopened, and if I can do that by avoiding any contact with Deviant, then I will.

Lately, however, avoiding direct contact has been getting a lot harder. And after he insulted Prophet to the point that he retreated to his tent today, I think some form of direct conversation is going to be inevitable. But first, I need to talk to Prophet and see how he wants to go about that.

Obviously Prophet isn’t going to be too keen on the idea of talking to a guy who probably just drove him to tears, so I want to know if he wants us to talk to him, and if so what he wants us to say. So, I’m going to his tent now to ask him and see if I can at least be of some form of comfort to Prophet at the moment.

Walking into his tent, I find him laying on the ground. I can hear him crying, and I’m already stumped on what the right words to make him feel any better would be. So, I just kneel by his side.

"Hey man. Are you okay?"

Of course he’s not okay, you fucking bozo I think to myself as soon as the words leave my mouth.

Prophet tries to insist that he’s fine, but I know damn well that he’s lying. Regardless, I’m not about to pry the truth out of him, because I already know it. I just need to know if he wants us to say anything.

“Do you want us to say anything to him? Mourner already tried to murder him.”

He just shakes his head before saying that he doesn’t want him to attack us. 

Honestly I can’t even argue with that, as much as I’d love to be able to get back at Deviant for hurting Prophet, it would just hurt me more in the process and Deviant would walk away unscathed because he’s unfortunately just like that.

Clearly I’m not going to be able to just walk up to Deviant and beat his ass yet, so in the meantime, I start making fun of Deviant a bit. 

“Remember when he started freaking out while Mourner and Mystic started describing every single broken bone they had suffered?”

Prophet falls top the ground in laughter.

“Oh my god, yes!”

Sure enough, the more I make fun of Deviant, the more of a smile I see forming on Prophet’s face and the less tears I see falling from his eyes. Now that I’ve calmed him down enough that he’s laughing, I start trying to brainstorm how we could actually confront Deviant. 

"How are we going to talk with him about this?" 

He may be an asshole but he’s not stupid, so using reasoning and saying that his ass could be left behind at any time could probably get to him more than any bit of pleading him to stop could actually do.

"He can probably be reasoned with. I have to believe that he can be reasoned with."

"That would require him to have a soul. Which he clearly doesn't."

We decide that we’re going to go and confront him now rather than wait any longer. So, we stand up and go outside, going over what we’re going to tell him and who’s going to say it. 

Then we look around to see where he is. We can’t see where exactly he is, which is never a good sign.

"Ummmm…" Prophet starts to shake.

"I have a very bad feeling about this.

Prophet and I start looking around and asking anyone around us if they’ve seen Deviant around. One person finally says that they saw him going into one of the tents. When we ask which one, they point to Mystic’s tent. Right away, I know that he has no good reason to be in there, especially since Mystic just had a grand mal seizure and should be asleep right now.

We look in and automatically find Deviant prodding Mourner. I can see in Mourner’s eyes that he’s absolutely enraged but is trying not to snap, probably because he doesn’t want to wake up Mystic, who is asleep with his head in Mourner’s lap. 

I can tell that it’s going to get very ugly for Deviant soon if he doesn’t get out of there. I swear, this guy never learns. 

When Mourner refuses to answer Deviant’s questions, Deviant shrugs it off and claims that if Mourner won’t give him answers that Mystic will. He then grabs Mystic and starts shaking him in a clear attempt to wake him up. At that exact moment, Prophet and I both glance at each other, knowing that Deviant screwed up big time.

Without making a sound, Mourner grabs Deviant by the neck and squeezes his throat until Deviant begs for mercy, promising to knock it off. This leads to Mourner dropping Deviant and kicking him in the back as Deviant crawls away. 

When Deviant crawls in our direction, he asks what we’re doing here. That’s when Prophet takes a deep breath and says that we need to talk. Deviant clearly isn’t going to be enthusiastic about this, but he knows that it’s in his best interest right now, considering that it’s pretty much either that or he sticks around and continues to waste his life trying to get answers out of Mourner, which will probably lead to him getting beaten to death before it leads to him getting any real information.

Once the three of us are outside once again, Deviant stands up and brushes the sand off of his jacket before asking what we need to talk about. Prophet looks too scared to really say anything, so I think it over for a second before I tell him. “Listen, I get that you were born without a heart, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it out on everyone else. Stop being an asshole.”

He’s trying to come up with something to say to me that will hurt me to hear, I can see it on his face, so, I just tune out the words coming from his mouth. I’ve learned to tune words out by now so they can’t hurt me, and this is no different.

He’s getting upset that I’m not reacting, and while I’m glad that he’s not experiencing the pleasure of getting a reaction from me, I also know that I should probably step back before he gets in my face. I know damn well him getting too in my face will leave me crying on the ground, and I cannot give him that satisfaction.

Eventually, he asks what’s going to happen if he doesn’t stop acting the way he does. I can tell from the smug look on his face that he thinks we’re not going to say anything. That’s why it brings me even more joy to see that stupid smirk disappear when I say that his failure to comply with what I’m saying now will result in him being left alone in the desert for the vultures to devour, reminding him that no one is surviving on their own out here.

From the look on his face, I can tell that it’s probably been a long time since anyone’s spoken to him like this. For all I know, he’s never been talked down to at all, and this is the first time he’s been confronted in his life. That could very well be the case, given the absolute shock he’s expressing over being confronted one time. 

I can tell that Deviant is trying to come up with something to say about me, so I just turn away before he can say anything. Prophet then does the same, and we walk back to his tent together. 

Hopefully he backs off for now, knowing that he’s not immune to the criticism he hurls at us nonstop. He probably won’t, but it’s nice to know that we can get a reaction out of him too at the very least. Maybe now, Prophet and I can actually focus on work that will benefit us instead of having to worry about one asshole weighing us down constantly.

Deviant hasn’t come after us, so that’s a good sign, but for now, I’m staying right here so if he tries to come for Prophet, I’m here with him. If he tries to go for Mourner and Mystic, they both have each other, and either one of them could see to it that Deviant is a mangled pulp within seconds under the right conditions. So for now, I’m not really worried about Deviant, but I am worried about if he’ll ever actually stop trying to destroy us…

Mourner

My entire body is trembling with rage. I keep trying to breathe and tell myself that I don’t have any reason to be angry, but then I realize that I’m lying to myself. How dare Deviant think he can just come in here and treat Mystic and I like that? Our relationship is none of his business, he is not entitled to know shit about either of our sexualities. 

"And Mystic's straight anyways, how would that piece of info do anything for him?"

On top of that, he decided that it would be okay for him to try and shake Mystic awake. He said that if I didn’t answer his questions that Mystic would. Meanwhile Mystic is getting some much needed rest and doesn’t need some idiot trying to wake him up to ask intrusive questions. So, I grabbed him by the throat and almost strangled him. He was right where I wanted him, his throat was in the palm of my hand, if I could have only squeezed a little harder…

Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Yes, I hate Deviant, but am I really on the level where I want him dead? 

"Get off of me! Get away! Oww! What the hell did I do this time!"

It takes me a while to realize that Mystic is talking in his sleep.

"Hey, Mystic." I lightly shake him, which seems to do the trick.

"What? Where am I? Who-"

"Shhhh, Mystic. It's just me.

"Oh thank god." He tries to gwt up, bur it takes him a whike.

"Why is everything still sore?"

"Isnt it always like that?"

"Goid point, but it still isnt fun." He looks at me. "There's aomethinh on your mind. What is it?"

"Do you want Deviant killed?"

He bursts out laughting, even though it clearly hurts.

On one hand, he’s a nightmare for Prophet, Destroyer, Mystic, and I to deal with. On the other hand, most people here adore him and if we got rid of him by any means, they would be upset with us and that would screw everything up. 

"Umm.. yes? Is that even a question?"

"I.. might have almost strangled him to death."

"You what?!" He says with the biggezt grin on his face.

"Almost

I didn’t wind up stranging Deviant, he begged me for mercy and I was dumb enough to take pity on him, because for a split second I thought to myself that maybe he would change. But as soon as I let him go, I regretted it. 

"For a split second, I wondered if maybe he could change his behavior. In any case, I don't think he's gonna mess with us again anytime soon."

Now I just want to find him wherever he is and beat the living shit out of him. But that would make me the bad guy, wouldn’t it?

Mystic hugs me. "God, you're amazing." 

It feels nice.

"He tried to get at you."

"Really?"

There’s very few things I truly hate more than Deviant and the anger he makes me feel. I don’t even think I’m that justified in hating him as much as I do, but when he goes after Mystic like that, I just burn up from the inside.

I nod my head. "Yeah. He was asking some… very personal questions. I wouldn't answer, so he started shaking you.

I’ve never felt so violently angry over anything until he did that. And the thoughts just won’t go away.

"Was there a time that he wasnt such a jerk?"

"Why are you asking me?" Mystic says.

"You were here for a month before I was."

I’d do anything if it meant he would be out of our lives once and for all, but there’s nothing at all I can do except sit and wait for his downfall to happen.

"No. No, he was always like this."

Suddenly through the cracks of the tent, I see him stumble by. I can’t even control my urge to get up and go outside just to see what he’s doing. When I go out, I see him stumbling around still. His throat is black and blue. With that, I laugh at him. I feel so guilty for expressing this amount of schadenfreude, but he deserves it for how he’s acted today.

When he hears me laughing, he redirects his stumble over to me and looks at me with that stupid smirk on his face, indicating that he has something dumb to say. 

"What are you gonna do, bitch? Try and attavk Mystic again?"

"And if I do? What, like I couldn't destroy your little boyfriend right now?"

"We. Are. Not. Romantically. Involved."

I spit directly on his face. He looks shocked that I would dare to do that. 

“Why don’t you just go back in your tent? I was out here minding my own business, and besides, I’m sure your boyfriend misses you.” 

He laughs at his own crude statement, and with that, I just take my leg and kick him in the back of the knees, causing him to fall face first onto the ground. Before he can get back up, I go back inside.

"Say one more word, and I. Will. End. You."

He leaves, but not for long enough.

When I hear footsteps passing the tent, I hold my breath, hoping that he doesn’t decide to come back in. My heart skips a beat when I see him looking in. Thankfully though, he keeps moving. 

"Dont. You. Even. Fucking. Dare."

"Soooo protective over your boyfriend, huh? Can't have anything bad happen to him, can we?"

I have fucking had it with him and I hope he eventually decides to leave and never come back. He gives us all a bad name and I am ashamed to say that he is one of us.

Unfortunately, I still have to work with him at the end of the day. No matter how much I hate him, no matter how hard he makes things for me, he’s still one of the leaders, and I still have to figure out how to work around every single setback he causes. I’m sick of it, but there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Nothing I say or do will ever change the nightmare he’s created for us. 

"Mystic, do you ever wonder what life would be like if just one tiny thing changed?"

"Like the Butterfly Effect?"

"Yeah. Exactly."

"I kind of try not to. Every scenario is a happier existence than what I have now, and it just makes me sad."

"I get that."

I know that in an hour or so I’ll probably have to leave this area in order to try to talk things out with everyone else so we can figure out how to keep everything working right. I don’t want to have any discussions today, I just want to stay here with Mystic, but unfortunately if we don’t work constantly, we lose. 

"Mystic, do you-" I'm interrupted with a snore. I look down, and Mystic is asleep on my shoulder.

Sometimes I really get tired of fighting all the time, but I know that if I ever want to live my life properly, I have to fight. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself why I still continue to fight. I will fight until the day I die to avenge the souls of my mother and of Mariah, not to mention to protect the right to my identity. 

As far as discussing things with the rest of the group goes today, I really don’t want to wake Mystic up. I don’t want to bother him. But I know that if I don’t wake him up that someone else will, and that someone could wind up being Deviant. I don’t want to take that risk, because I know that if Deviant does that, he’ll seriously upset Mystic however he can.

"Mystic? Mystic, come on. Mystic, let's go back to my tent."

"Hm? What?" He says, opening his eyes.

"Come on, I don't want Deviant trying to mess with you again."

He doesn’t say anything, he just grabs my hand and leans on me. My heart flutters and I go completely speechless. He’s never done this before, and I can tell that he’s still tired, so maybe he’s just trying to lean on me so he doesn’t fall, but my god I don’t know what to do.

"Mystic, Deviant might say something."

"Let him talk."

After a moment of him holding onto my hand, I decide to just let him keep holding onto me. If Deviant has anything to say about it, I’ll break his nose. So, I continue leading Mystic to Prophet’s tent, where we agreed to meet so we could talk about battle strategies in the near future. 

We go inside and right away, I see the look in Deviant’s eyes. He wants to say something, anything that will embarrass both of us. So I look right back at him. 

"Not today, Satan." I whisper.

I have no clue what my face looks like right now, but I’m trying to send a message to him that will inform him that if he messes with us, he’s getting knocked out.

Surprisingly, he stays silent. He continues to stare at us, but he doesn’t say a single word.

"Glad everyone could make it." Prophet says.

"Where's Destroyer?" Mystic asks, slurring his speech a little.

"Jesus Christ, have you been drinking?" Deviant asks, giving both of us a look. Honestly I don’t care if he stares at us, he can stare all he wants, but he if says anything, that is when I will go after him again.

"No, just tired."

As we start speaking, Mystic and I continue holding onto each other, and thankfully no one says a word about it. The only one who seems even remotely concerned is Deviant, who continues to shoot us antagonistic glares. I just glare right back at him.

When we finish talking, Mystic and I go back, and Deviant follows us. I’m trying to ignore him, but he seems to be making that difficult on purpose. We go inside, and he stays out there, staring at us. I am trying my best to pretend he isn’t there, but it’s nearly impossible.

Eventually, Mystic notices that he’s out there, and it starts feeling like the two of us are both facing off with Deviant. None of us are saying anything, but there’s clearly a lot being exchanged from glances alone. 

"Come on, Mystic. Just ihnore him, he'll go away." He's still wrapped in my arms.

"It's hard to ignore him when I feel like Im in a horror movie!"

I laugh.

One wrong move and I will wind up fighting Deviant again. As he continues to stare at us, I find him getting harder and harder to ignore. I do not want to get in another altercation with him, but I feel as if I don’t have a choice…

Mystic

I’ve been basically attached to Mourner all day. All I want to do is go back to sleep, I’m still tired, but Deviant keeps trying to fuck with us. He keeps staring at us through the cracks of the tent. 

“Do you think you could snap his blood vessels now? I’d really appreciate that right now.” Mourner says, head resting on top of mine.

“Too. Tired.” I mumble. My powers go haywire when I’m not well rested.

“What kind of a friend are you?” I know he’s joking, but it takes me a moment to settle down.

He’s making me so mad, all I want to do is go back to sleep and he can’t even let me have that. He keeps harassing Mourner and I relentlessly and no matter what either of us do, he never stops.

“Well, he’s really just doing this to get a rise from us.” Mourner says.

“He’s doing a pretty damn good job of it.”

“That’s my point. Just ignore him, and he’ll leave us alone.”

So we just stay wrapped in each other’s arms. It feels nice. Really nice.

After a few minutes of silence, we hear footsteps moving away from the tent. Both of us have our eyes still fixed on the cracks of the tent, looking for any sign that he’s still there. When we find nothing, he starts talking to me.

I don’t really know what Deviant was doing while I was asleep, but clearly Mourner is infuriated by it. He’s red in the face and his tone is different than usual. Part of me wants to ask what’s wrong, but I don’t want to annoy him more. Then he’ll leave and I don’t think I can handle that right now.

“What happened?

For a moment he goes silent, and my head is completely flooded with anxiety. Did I make him angry? Is he annoyed with me? He’s definitely not acting like himself and it’s freaking me out. He’s usually not an angry person, so why is he so angry right now? I keep trying to run through every interaction with him lately, looking for some way I could have upset him that would explain why he’s so upset.

“He… started verbally insulting you. Trying to say that we were coddling you, then he said that the epilepsy was your fault..”

As Mourner continues rambling about Deviant, I get just as angry.

“And then he tried to say that we were… romantically involved.”

Oh god, I can feel my cheeks turning bright red. “What?”

“Yeah. Like, as if there was something wrong with that.”

“Aren’t me and him the only straight people on the team?”

“Yeah, I don’t know if he actively dorsn’t like the queer community, or he’s just… trying to tease us.”

“He’s never really been ‘one’ with the group, has he?”

“Yeah.”

We start bringing up all the instances we’ve seen him almost killed by our own people because he was a little too close to FEAR during battle. Rumor has it that he’s even been seen conversing with them. 

It’s scary to think about, because that honestly does sound like something he would do. I’d love to believe he wouldn’t stoop that low, but we all know that he would. Any time that someone tries to humanize him and think that he wouldn’t do some disgusting action, he goes ahead and does it. When Destroyer first showed up, we all hoped that he wouldn’t harass Destroyer because it was so obvious that he had been through horrific trauma. We all told ourselves that Deviant wouldn’t stoop that low, but he did. Within days, he was constantly prodding Destroyer and going out of his way to trigger him.

I know that Mourner and I are making fun of Deviant as a way to make light of everything he puts us through, but it gets scary sometimes because we all know that Deviant would absolutely do everything we speculate him of doing. He just keeps getting worse and he answers to no one, so no one can stop him without killing him and we all know how that would go.

“I honestly want to see him dead.” I mumble into Mourner’s chest.

“You shouldn’t say that about another fighter. We need all hands on deck if we want to defeat these bastards.”

“No one knows if he’s even one of us. And don’t act like you don’t hate his guts.”

To be fully honest, at this point I think that the four of us at least all want him dead because he’s such a danger to us. He ruins everything and at this point I would rather see him die than accept that he’ll continue to be a part of us.

“While you were asleep, after… everything else, he, umm… he tried to say other things, and.. I just lost it.”

“What does that mean?”

“I put him in a chokehold. I let him go.”

I’m in shock. While I know that we’d all love to do that with Deviant, that’s the first I’ve ever heard of anyone actually doing it, let alone Mourner, who’s usually super relaxed.

For the rest of our conversation, I can barely focus because I’m still stuck on the fact that Mourner actually did that for me of all people. He actually snapped because Deviant started harassing me. I would never expect Mourner to snap like that, let alone to protect me.

The more I think about it though, Mourner has always been really protective over me. I mean I’ve always been protective over him too. Whenever anything happens during a battle, Mourner is the first person I look for to make sure he’s okay.

“You know you really didn’t have to do that.”

“You’re my best friend. Of course I’m going to protect you.”

Everyone else knows this too. I guess Mourner and I are just closer than everyone else. But that doesn’t make sense because we’re all pretty close out here, we don’t have much of a choice given our scenario.

He yawns. “God, I’m tired. If he tries to bother you, just wake me up.”

“Will do.” I say, but he’s asleep by that point.

Mourner has always been my best friend since the moment I met him out here. Ever since we became friends, we were inseparable. And while I’m close with Prophet and Destroyer too, my bond with them is nothing like my bond with Mourner. I can’t really describe it other than saying that I don’t see myself in the future without Mourner, no matter what the circumstance may be. 

I think I’d even go as far as to say I’d want to marry him…but I’m not into guys like that…right? I don’t think I am at least. I’ve never put any actual thought into my sexuality until now. I spent the entirety of my life being told that it was a dirty and evil thing, especially if you felt that attraction towards someone of the same gender. If you lived in the city, they could kill you if they found out about that. At the very least, if they found out, life as you knew it was over.

Not to mention that in the asylum, there were some people sent there because their families found out that they had lovers of the same gender. I always felt so much anger and fear for them. And for the longest time, I’ve always figured it was just because they were in the same situation I was just because of who they loved.

But if I do actually like guys…I don’t like Mourner, do I? I mean, my bond with him is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. I don’t feel the way I do about Mourner towards anyone else I’ve ever met. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, the most amazing person I’d ever met, and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him in my life. And I would absolutely marry him if he asked.

What the hell do I even do about these… feelings? I’m not going to tell him, he would never think of me that same way, he would just be disgusted and not want anything to do with me anymore. My heart sinks just thinking about that. I don’t think I could live without him, he’s my everything. I’d do anything to make him happy, and that’s going to mean not telling him that I’m into him.

My god this night has been a disaster. I’m going to feel like such a fake pretending that I’m not in love with Mourner the way I am. It feels weird, we’ve been close for years and just one confession could ruin that. I don’t know how I’m going to stay quiet, but it looks like I’m going to need to learn now…

[delusion-of-negation]

Favorite weird story trope/idea?

I'm torn between three things: things like happy sugar life where tropes and emotions usually seen as loving or good are made as horrifying as possible (spoilers: imagine the worst possible ways feeling love could manifest and the worst things it could make a person do, or to put it bluntly she murders people because she's kidnapped a kid she's in love with, and it's such a good show); or something I blame neil gaiman for is my love for when what you previously saw as kind of background noise/setting that you are vaguely aware might have some level of sentience gets put into someone's body and experiences being a weird human because neil's doctor who episode gave me feelings; but I think the most favourite would probably be when there's two sides scheming in opposite directions and the entire plot is just the perfect level of tense maintained, in that it lets you breathe occasionally but the tenseness uses the fact you breathed against you to come back even harder, ie the promised neverland, I cannot stress just how great that show is at making you feel the pressure, and there's a constant way out but they don't take it because they need to do something else first, and I can't explain much without spoilers, I genuinely recommend watching it yourself, it's an anime (and it actually is an adaptation of a manga), but anyway you're now in spoiler land, basically the plot is these kids are in an orphanage, however it turns out to be a kid farm for monsters that eat them meaning they need to escape before they turn too old, and they basically have to work out what every trap and defence is to get around them and escape, without the lady that runs it catching them and stopping them, and she's on their trail the whole time, when they figure it out they could just leave but they don't right away because they need to get everyone out, including toddlers who'd be unable to do some of the physical stuff themselves so they've gotta keep figuring out solutions. it's not got very much action or drama, it's intensely focused on the testing things and figuring out what's going on and planning around it, and it really takes time to flesh out every single detail and to think about the implications of everything, it's great and thought-out, but you're going to have to ignore how one character is drawn. actually, I'd have to add another maybe to the list of maybe favourites, since that and invincible both do one of my favourite things, where an absolutely horrifying reveal hits you like a fucking train, where it begins seemingly normal and not horror, and then towards their first episode's end the bomb drops and chills you to your core, it completely changes the direction and vibe of the show, etc, that moment kills me in both shows and I love it so so much in both. speaking on a meta level, "this cgi looks terrible, I'm going to go watch it to laugh!" [a few hours later] "I am fundamentally never going to be the same again. I am moved in ways I didn't know a person could be moved in." has been a great experience when I watched sweet home and hellbound, those two shows are really genuinely some of the best things you'll watch in your entire life. there's monsters in sweet home, but the reveal some are totally harmless is when my favourite character turns into a bathroom sized womb because she's mourning the kid she accidentally let roll into the road, and I love her so fucking much. she's the best. personally I too want to turn into a giant organ in the only damn bathroom anyone had so they can't fucking piss without leaving their safe flat and going out where there's monsters, queen shit. completely forgot the ask and went on several tangents, sorry.

[the-firebird69]

We know that there's a lot of stuff going on but this guy Trump ran over a bunch of people who wouldn't scooters on purpose and we wanted to publish it but he's outside screwing around and we couldn't do it anyways but I just wanted to say this we put on there the guy should lose his license forever and really we're starting to demand this from people his guys are confused walking all over you almost blew everybody up it didn't do s*** for anyone's program and now you have to fix all of it you're a bunch of morons and get with it okay this guy wants to run you over. Turns out what he was running over BG and trying to threaten for a piddly companies to just started he's just wanting to ruin them cuz he's a faggot.

BG turn around got his people out of there and called Brian and he said what are you making those for so you'll start making them in about a year cuz you're slow s*** it's not saying it you know my face to that stupid kid what do you need all you want to drive a Subaru with a broken motor so you're out of car what is that like and he turned around and said I get the s*** and I'm out of here and we're going to do it I said making miracle is bit right through the bit Meghan Markle so we're excited about that and she has and he said what do we do first and so she wants to make mini cobra and BG has some old a mold and he can make a subsidiary so he says that's the deal right there and they're going for it

-so that arose out of this and they're all stuck out there with this moron and they're starting to go after him pretty hard and they're figuring out something this guy was screwing around with our son and blaming Daniel and he's up in arms and says he's saying that kind of here still you're fighting a war and you couldn't stop but people are supposedly helping and they don't see the guy are you standing right there under the tree being a good guy being a dick and they looked in there he was and the cops came by later arrested him no his next door if he can take his next door being a dick and it should be out of here so I'm ordering it again

Thor Freya

Olympus

[tntky]

My fucked up week and low mental health

Hi and welcome back to this new episode of my life is a fucking mess.

Today we are going to talk about my fucked up week and low mental health. I just realized that I was going to be this aunt.

Ya'll know which one i'm  talking about: the single and alcohol aunt always portrayed in movies. Living her best life. I read something on the Internet about me being a young adult. I'm actually 24 and this means that I am only six years into adulthood, but considering that three of them occured during the Covid session, it means i'm approx a 3 yo adult. Hence, i'm legit to not having done nothing much for my age as compared to older generations so I get that I shouldn't be putting so much pressure on myself.

But at the same time I can't stop thinking about how difficult it's going to be to heal from all the shit I put myself through. Shit that I cannot blame anyone else but me. What I meant about this aunt with an unstable or even a nonexistent life is that i really see myself as growing up as one of them. But they're always characters that don't settle because somehow they're better off on their own and know that all they need to do to get their way through is to love yourself first and then to get what you deserve i.e. you know your worth and you'll settle for it.

Don't get me wrong. It totally makes sense but at the same time, self love and being independent simply  cannot just replace romantic love. And having to do all these independent girl shit on your own wjile wayching your younger siblings or even people you know getting engaged or into real relationship while you're out there faking it, it's not that fucking easy. 

I just crave being in in a romantic relationship so much like who wouldn'twant that?!  Probably a bunch of people... but as silly as it sounds:  I love love. if that makes sense... and I hate the fact that love is not enough! Love is not what it takes to get you places or make things work. Relationship requires commitment, communication, engagement and all these shits they don't talk enough about it movies. 

I'm not gonna start bragging about everything that happened this week that brought me to this thinking point. It's just that I've been having really sad thoughts lately, so lucky you here's an entry.

I just feel so fucking lonely right now. I wish I could have a friend to talk to, but I'm bad at socializing and I don't really have what you can call friends. In fact, I'm just good at pushing people away or using them when needed and that's why I consider myself as an unfriendable.  But sometimes I just miss the feeling of being understood, or being able to talk to someone

And friends are not that easy to find and require commitment to accept them with their flaws which I cannot do because I'm a way too judgemental bitch. Yeah, as I was saying life sucks or it's just mine. I know  I'm far from being healed and doubt that I will be ready soon enough to make new relationships but i jst feel like i'm getting old and the older i get, the lonelier i am.  And this entry is just about me realizing that healing is gonna be fucking painful and a long and lonely journey.

Anyway, I hope you're having a good day. or that you had a great week. And that I am at least keeping you entertained with this. See you in next episode of TNTKY and don't forget to come back to check for new articles ( i haven't figured out how this thing works)  about me and my sick brain.  K Bye.

[cinnamonest]

Zhongli (Genshin Impact) - Yandere Profile

This man's voice has a POWER over me I SWEAR

tws: yandere, mentions of n/sfw

tws (under the cut): very ddlg-esque vibes, sorta? infantilization, noncon

I'm sorry I get such strong daddy vibes it unintentionally went in this direction, hope that isn't too bad lmao

I’m working on all the prompts I’ve gotten in! I’ve gotten a few so I’ll be working on those.

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What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

He's one that might be likely to misunderstand his feelings at first, think that he sees himself as a mentor or maybe even an authority figure, someone to guide you and teach you and serve as a dependable partner to your travels. As time goes on, and he begins to recognize how utterly flustered he gets around you, he's forced to acknowledge the actual feelings he has.

While some yanderes with a slight aloofness or pride to them get worse when in love, such as Childe or Kaeya, his drops completely. You bring out a softer side of him, really, one that's protective and tender and loving, so very loving, wanting to be around you, with you. He's certainly an obsessive, protective type, ultimately allowing his protective nature to get the better of him as he demands to know everything you've done, account for your location at every moment, constantly keep track of your habits, inquire about very personal details of your life. If he realizes you're bothered by it, he might draw back a bit, but he's convinced that that's just your perception, that it's necessary, truly, and not at all unusual.

Pet names. Particularly fond of love, darling, and angel. Sweet things that represent what you mean to him -- something precious, something to represent his adoration and idolization.

The primary form of delusion comes from a perception of you. He's obsessive, and idolizes you to an extent. He perceives you as pure, innocent, angelic. The thing is, this applies regardless of whether or not you actually are. If you are, it will solidify the idea, but even if you're not, he will find a way to see you so, anyway. No matter how wise you are, no, you're naive. No matter how capable you are, no, you're weak and fragile. No matter how experienced you may be, no, you're pure. He can always keep this delusion running by bringing into account age and comparison - you'll never be as strong as him, so you might as well be frail and weak. You'll never have lived as long as him, so really, do you think there's that much difference between you and a child, when compared to someone like himself?

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

Actually highly likely, and pretty quickly. As he observes you, it becomes very clear to him how very fragile you are, how naive you are, you are quite literally too pure, too angelic, to be living in this world with such beings as humans. Fragile, beautiful little things have a place where they belong - protected. Where do we put fragile, beautiful things? We put them behind glass, behind ropes, in pretty cages, in secluded rooms. It's only natural that you, too, need a similar environment.

He's one of the ones that will... Elegantly kidnap you, as odd as it sounds. He's not a brute that would do something horrendous like knocking you out or drugging you, no, he'll find an excuse for you to come to his abode, invite you in, and you'll walk in none the wiser. Only after your in, and the doors close, does he guide you to your new room, calmly explaining that he's come to the realization that you're too fragile to continue your journey, and ought to simply give up on your travels. He knows you'll be upset at first. Like a child being denied, you'll get pouty, moody, you might cry, you might lash out at him. It's predictable. He'll dry your eyes and calm you down, brushing off any harsh words you may have, holding your wrists in his hands when you try to push him away, softly reassuring you that it will all be alright, that you're safe now, and you'll learn to accept this with time.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape? 

He would want something... elaborate. He's a man with taste for the most beautiful of things, including yourself, and he won't settle for something as simple as a chain or ropes. No, that would be too simple and brutish, and you, one of the finest things in his life, deserve something equally beautiful and delicate.

He's one of the ones that would go to a great deal of preparation for your arrival. He'd have a room prepared just for you, very ornate, beautifully tailored to you -- the walls your favorite color, the bed made of the same material as your old one, and the whole room completely filled with things you're certain you never even told him you liked. Clothes that fit perfectly to your body. It's frightening how perfect it is, because you know he had to go out of his way to acquire the information to achieve such perfection, but you have no idea how.

Everything about it elegant and detailed, right down to the series of ornate locks on the door. They're some of the sturdiest available, made with essentially unbreakable metal alloys and the most intricate lock systems to date. The windows don't open, and he'd certainly find some way to ensure escape through them isn't an option -- perhaps metal bars, perhaps an unbreakable glass substitute, perhaps merely locating your new home right on the edge of one of Liyue's most beautiful mountains, so that if you were to go out the window you'd plummet to the earth below. He's a bit delusional, but he's not stupid, and he will think through every possibility. Every little detail he needs to keep you safe and confined.

He's certain that, perfect as it is, this room is all you will ever need to be happy. Should you desire anything else, he can bring it to you. You'll never have to leave.

So it goes without saying that it would be exceptionally difficult to escape him. You'd have to find a way through the locks, for which your best bet would be to get some hair pins or tiny writing utensils. Even if you managed it, though, which would frankly be a very difficult feat, you'll have to deal with staying free. Zhongli has ties to the people of Liyue as a whole, and needless to say, he has eyes everywhere. You can't risk appearing in the harbor area, there will be far too many people who would immediately report you, and you'd just be walking right to him anyhow. The surrounding areas also have ties to him, so you'd want to try and reach Mondstadt, as far as it is, which is a difficult travel by foot all alone. You won't get far. He's faster, he's wiser, and he will find you long before you could ever hope to make it there.

However, he's not quite as angry as some yanderes would be about it. He doesn't take your escape personally, no, he blames himself, only calculating his own mistakes as to how it happened. He sees you as something like... a little runaway pet, so naive and dull that you don't know any better than to go wandering off. Or perhaps like a child, just sheepishly curious and wanting to explore, not knowing the dangers of the world. Or, perhaps...

"I haven't been giving you enough attention, have I? That's why you pulled this little act of rebellion... you're hurt by my negligence and wanted to be reassured of my care for you. I'm so sorry... I understand now, love. This was my fault. I've been so caught up with work... I'll delegate some tasks to my workers, and I'll be able to spend more time with you from now on, alright? Don't worry, I'm not angry, I'll take full responsibility. I'll be sure to make it up to you... now, let's go home."

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Much like Childe or Venti or anyone who has been around as long as he has, you really don't stand a chance. He's an incredibly perceptive man. There's not much to say on the matter, as any attempts will be quickly shut down.

He'd find it amusing, really. Like a child trying to lie, but the evidence is all over their face and hands - it's that obvious to him. It's cute enough that he almost hates having to discipline you for it, but, you have to learn.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He wants his little angel to be safe - and unfortunately, you, being so naive and empty headed, don't always know what's best for you. He knows rules can be hard to follow perfectly, but they're there to keep you safe.

Extremely strict, will want to monitor every moment of your life, every little movement you take, and will insist on watching over you in every task. He'll pick out everything you wear, everything you eat.

Occasionally, if you ask very sweetly, he may take you out for walks in Liyue. Honestly, he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy taking you to what he knows are the finest locations, shops with the highest level of craftsmanship, restaurants with a high price tag and reputable food. He enjoys showing off his refined tastes and discerning selective abilities. And honestly? There's a certain... Powerful feeling to knowing you're made aware of the costs when he makes high purchases in front of you... even if you don't realize he's not always actually the one paying for it, or that he forgot mora again but promises the owner to pay later - but he'll make sure you don't know that. You hear the numbers, and your eyebrows raise, your eyes widen. You'd nearly faint if that total was on your responsibility, and he knows that. Which is why he'll simply smile at you, and tell you you're worth every last Mora. He'll buy you nearly anything you may desire. It seems like leniency, but in reality, it's his subtle way of locking control and dependency over you, making you respect him, making you love him.

"Don't worry, love. It's not a lot... Not to me, at least. Even if it were, my angel only deserves the best, no?"

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Oh dear. Again, he's very strict, and wants to monitor everything you do, every little aspect of your life. He decides what you eat, portioning your meals to make sure you're eating enough, he worries about you going hungry during your travels, but luckily you'll never have to worry about that again. If you have a sweet tooth, he'll sigh and worry about your teeth and health, but he'll make sure to account for a little bit of sugar in your day, and will even pick up little treats from some of the most reputable places in Liyue.

He picks out clothes for you with each day. They're not... Normal clothes, per se. Certainly not what you'd normally wear on your travels. And it's not like anyone will see you except him - which is exactly why you'll have clothes he would never want anyone else to see you in. Frilly, lacey things, somehow both highly sexualized but also incredibly infantile, soft pinks, baby blues, gentle off-whites. They accentuate the curves of your body so perfectly, while just barely letting him see the parts of you normally kept hidden.

You'll have a schedule - a bath time, a bedtime, a wake-up time. He's weak to your requests, though, and may let you stay up a little late every now and then, or sleep in just a bit, if you make that soft pouting face and beg. He'll insist on bathing you, dressing you, so that you don't have to - and can't even if you wanted to - lift a finger even to wash yourself or put your clothes on.

He has a set of rules for you, very simple ones he hopes you can easily follow. No trying to leave. No doing anything dangerous. No talking to strangers when you go out. You must hold his hand whenever you're walking together, don't go wandering off.

He'll feel ashamed of the thought for a while, but eventually he'll cave and give into the desire, no, the security precaution, of a nice little collar for you. It's not too embarrassing, no, he went out of his way to find one that was delicate, almost like a necklace, made with fine materials, the engraving only visible up close. If you look closely, though, it clearly bears his name.

Breaking the rules is expected, he anticipates it. You're not the brightest, he might even view it as a mistake. A benefit is that you can easily pass it off as simply forgotten, or an accident. Hence, he's not too harsh - normally. He'll sigh, forgive you, and pat your head, contemplating how to prevent your access in the future.

Perhaps you wriggled out of his hand and ran off while walking? You were just excited, distracted, like a child. He might be able to procure a small leash, one that wouldn't be immediately obvious or embarrassing, to attach to your collar. Perhaps some cuff-like links to latch your arm to his.

You forgot the rule about not handling the kitchen knives and cut yourself? He'll have to get some kind of lock and simply keep them safely away from you. No big deal. Any measures are worth your safety.

If you push the limits, or have a defiant attitude, he might reach the point of punishment. As for not-unwholesome things, this would usually include taking away privileges, such as walks or sweets, but overall, punishment will mostly come in more impure forms.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

Not too much to say here - he has connections. He doesn't need to dirty his own hands. For all his supposed humility, if he truly dislikes someone, they're no more significant than an insect to him. He has no reservations about ridding the world of people who, in his mind, are obviously trying to deceive you, abuse you, corrupt you.

Thankfully, he is very capable of keeping a neutral face, even when he feels laughter building up. It would probably look strange if he were smiling over the newest body to come into his parlor.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

It's a slow buildup. He views restraint as a virtue, and looks down upon those who lack control over their own tempers. He's a man who strives to meet his own standards of character, and that very much applies to self control and ability to maintain a controlled demeanor, even when he feels a bit of frustration due to you being intentionally and deliberately defiant.

It's his responsibility to be a good role model for you and make sure you understand how to behave. However, in the end, he's very keen on properness and rules. If you have a tendency towards brattiness and pushing your limits, you may drive him to a boiling point.

However, even when expressing his anger, he's remarkably controlled. It's very mature, really. Nonetheless, he will have you shivering and tearful with his voice alone, booming with that depth that reverberates off the walls, that vibrates against your very core. His true anger is one that can strike fear even in the most courageous individuals - he's terrifying when he wants to be, fierce and intimidating, a sort of power just eminates from him.

Nonetheless, it's quick, he calms down very quickly, wipes the tears from your eyes, and sighs.

"I do hate having to be firm with you... but I can't have you thinking you can just act however you want. You understand that, don't you?"

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Both? It's difficult to describe. You're an angel to him. You're the finest work of art, the most intricate creation, the kind of person whose body and likeness deserves to be preserved in art and tradition, one of those women who should be renowned for beauty even centuries long after you're gone from the earth. It's almost goddess-like. At the same time, there's a beautiful, tragic duality to your essence, he thinks. A fragility and a dependency that leaves you in need, but an inherent status of perfection that makes you deserve the utmost perfect of care. You need to be coddled, cared for, protected, but you deserve it. Like a deity incarnated into a mere fragile human form, a queen that needs support to retain her grace.

Unlike some, he doesn't view his care and protection as some kind of favor that should be repaid with your gratitude, no, really, he is grateful that he is the one who is even deserving of being your caretaker, your provider, your lover.

Even if he is the one who determined that he deserves that role.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

He's convinced that he can show you that he is your protector, your lover, that it's fate itself that has locked you together, not just his own will.

And he is, above all else, patient. One of the most patient you could encounter. You think a year is a long time? It's nothing to him. A century for you? More than a lifetime. For him? Nothing. He can and will wait, as long as it takes, and he will never falter in his continual care. He'll remind you frequently, he'll shower you in affection, but if you don't return it? It's not that bad. He has all the time in the world to fix you.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Moraless Sugar daddy

But in all seriousness, he is definitely of the gift-giving love language. He sees beautiful things, and beautiful things make him think of you! It's sweet, he thinks. So many little things he sees throughout his day make him think of you, and he has to have all of them, see your face when he gives them to you. He likes making you happy, for one, but he'd be lying if he said there wasn't a sort of satisfactory pride he gets from the power dynamic of it all. He wants to be the sole source of provision in your life, he wants your dependency.

If we're talking prior to the events of the game, it will be even more extreme. He treats it like it's truly nothing, throwing around massive purchases, seemingly as if he's not thinking about it at all. But he is - rest assured, he's taking it into consideration, at least, that is, how it will affect your attitude and perception of him.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

On the reserved side. He'd never conduct himself improperly in public, of course. It's out of the question. He cares about proper behavior and public image, and he'd never behave in a vulgar manner.

Even in private, he's certainly one of the ones that struggles with a certain guilt. To some degree, he would feel like you're so innocent and pure that he doesn't want to corrupt you. He goes through stages. First, he'll lie to himself, telling himself that the feelings he has for you are simply protective, platonic, a natural sense of responsibility for you. That becomes more and more difficult to convince himself of, the more excited he becomes around you, the more he finds his eyes drawn to whatever bits of skin are exposed on your body, finding himself drifting off to impure thoughts, trying to push them away. 

Second, once he's forced to acknowledge the true nature of these feelings, he'll simply practice restraint, something he's rather good at in this area. He tries, he really does. He tells himself he can't do something so impure, that it would violate you, that he should be ashamed of himself for it. It becomes more and more and more difficult to restrain himself with time, the feelings rising and the thoughts become more difficult to push away, eventually entertaining the fantasies in his head in an attempt to rid himself of the urge in real life. It doesn't work, no, it only makes the urges worse, and he can't be around you without his body nearly commanding him to do something. And finally, he'll take a different stance entirely, telling himself that, no, it's not going to corrupt you, rather, it's taking care of you. If he really wants to love you, really wants to care for all of your needs, then surely that would include your physical needs, and therefore, really, it would be wrong of him not to help you.

As that shift in viewpoints goes on, he'll become more and more bold, hands lingering just a little longer, face coming just a little closer. It's a slow build of tension, just waiting to boil over. 

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He understands you're nervous. Again, no matter how experienced you are, somehow in his head he makes it out to be insignificant. Even if you've had other relationships, he convinces himself - and tries to convince you - that they were inadequate, they didn't care about you, not like he does. And he'll treat it as that -- any resistance you put up is nervousness, nothing more, nothing less. He'll reassure you a million times that you won't feel pain, that he'll be gentle, that you'll feel good, even if his size and strength frankly is rather intimidating regardless of experience. He'll keep cooing in your ear, softly whispering reassurance, softly running hands over your skin, holding you in place as the last inch stretches you apart. 

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

Infantilization

Again, no matter how smart, experienced, and capable you may be, you're none of those things to him. You're a fragile, little thing. He has to take care of you at all times. It may not be evident at first, and he himself likely doesn't fully realize it, but there is something highly sexual to this for him. Caring for you puts him in a position of dominance, control. It gives him access to your privacy, dressing you up, fingers running over your skin, bathing you, watching your skin glisten. He'll talk to you in this way, too, often softly, remarking every little way in which you need him, and even condescendingly so. He wants you to be his, not only in a sense of love, but of possession.

Oral

Primarily giving. Even on its own, he loves the taste, but the effect it has on you makes it that much better. He loves anything that forces you to depend on him entirely for pleasure, that puts you at his mercy. And he'll be torturous about it too, restraining your arms and legs so you can't control anything, hold your hips down so you can't roll into him, so that only he can determine exactly how much pressure and speed you get. And he won't rush it, no, he'll go so slowly it's torturous, and telling you very simply that if you want any more, you'll have to beg.

Edging

For a variety of reasons. The power trip is as exhilarating as it is pleasurable, but he also loves watching your body writhe. Each little muscle that moves under the flesh when your arms strain against his hand holding your wrists together, the convulsing of your stomach muscles, the way your toes curl and legs spasm and the sweet little whimpers you make when he draws back just short of your high. He's mastered watching your reactions, knowing exactly when to stop, even if you try to mask it. He'll want you to tell him, though, nonetheless, tell him when you're close, if for nothing else but the sense of you obeying his commands.

Collaring

Similarly to infantilization, it gives him something of a sense of control, of possession. He loves seeing his name engraved on it, marking the whole of your being with his ownership. In his somewhat rare moments of roughness, he'll want to pull on it, use it to draw you towards him, in a moment of your defiance, in particular. If you're being mouthy, whiny, disobedient, and you finally make him snap, especially if you try to walk away from him, he'll yank you back with force, pulling you close to him, and when the force of it shuts you up, changes your demeanor, forces you to acknowledge your submission - the satisfaction he'll get from that is incomparable.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

As much as he likes the idea, to him, you're already like a child, naive and fragile. Could your body even handle a pregnancy, a birth? He'd likely try to avoid it, but in the end, if it happened by accident anyway, rest assured you'd be getting the best care of any woman to ever be pregnant in Teyvat, and he'd do everything in his power to ensure you were always comfortable, taking his caretaking to another level, almost never even letting you get up, insisting you stay still and calm and needy.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

He'd be one to pull the "it doesn't hurt you as much as it does me" line, but really, even if he refuses to admit it to his own self, having you bent over his lap is just as much for his own enjoyment as it is a disciplinary measure. It's more humiliating than it is painful -- he'd hold back, afraid of hurting you with his strength, but taking in every little flinch and whimper you make as he brings his hand down on your ass, keeping your head pressed down, kneading at the flesh. He'd insist it's the most effective punishment measure, but you can feel the hard-on digging into your stomach. The worse the behavior, the worse the beating, but every time, after it's over, he'll hold you upright, wiping the tears from your eyes and asking you if you learned you lesson, if you intend to do it again, and smiling when you insist you won't.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Your skin. It's beautiful, and he loves the way that light from the moon and sun look on your naked form. He loves the way your skin feels, soft and delicate, smooth, so paper thin and fragile, and so, so deliciously prone to showing marks from the slightest of harm - a simple smack can make the plump flesh darkened and reddened, the lightest suckling will leave beautiful hickeys all down your neck and chest. There are so many ways to mark his property, to stake a visible claim all over you, it's irresistible.

He also will go out of his way, when picking out all the things he wants you to wear, to find colors that best go with your skin tone, in a contrasting sense - particularly lacey, sheer things that contrast very well, so he can see your soft flesh perfectly defined against the little lace patterns.

[skiyoosmi]

post-break up heartaches

verse 1. in the car that used to drive us to our home

⤷ kuroo tetsurou, oikawa tooru — more characters coming soon

⤷ verse 2 | verse 3

⤷ play. never let me go by ghostly kisses, forget about us by clinton kane

commissions: open

⇢ KUROO sighs for the umpteenth time of the day. he was so fucking exhausted and his body's about to give in to sleep any moment now. work has been beating his ass; there was this newbie who kept on messing up the documents needed by the board and for the whole day, he had to be the one to fix said issues. it's not like he wasn't paid enough for that; if anything, his paycheck was one of the most beautiful things he laid his eyes on— but god, even his body has its own limits and yet...

"ya.... yer not supposed to do this anymore. y-ya left me, remember?" you slurred, index finger pointing right at his chest as he circled his arms around your waist, huffing as you practically dropped all your weight on him. here he was, suddenly given the task of having to take you home after your supposed-to-be designated driver, miya fucking atsumu, also drank his brains out with you.

"be patient. still heartbroken because of you, y'know?" kenma softly tells him despite the tipsy feeling lurking in the back of his mind, shaking his head as he looked at you, whose system finally shut down and were now dozing off in the black haired man's arms.

"..... still?" he mumbles, looking down at your figure and he feels his heart contract with pain all over again.

"you can't expect her to be fine immediately, kuroo. it was your wedding day, supposed to be the greatest day of her life and yet it became the worst one... you left her at the altar alone."

he didn't reply anything— or rather, he was unable to. because what can he say to refute the truth? nothing. instead, he proceeded to his car with you still in his hold. he places you on the passenger seat, locking the seatbelts before jogging to the driver's side.

the car ride was calm as you slept soundly with your head occasionally hitting the window lightly as it swayed from side to side. he was sure as hell that if you were sober right now, you wouldn't even have the thought of seeing him cross your mind. he just knows for sure that you despise him with your whole being... at least, that's what he thought until...

"i'm sorry, tetsu. please come back," you whimper in your seat, voice quiet but he heard it nonetheless, "tell me what i did wrong so i can fix it."

the pitiful sounds and mumbles you made struck kuroo right in the heart and which makes him pull over an empty but safe road, just a block away from your (previously shared) apartment. looking over your form, he finds himself reaching out to touch your face, caressing your cheeks as drops of tears fell down slowly on them, "you didn't do anything wrong. you were fine. you were so perfect."

you squint your eyes at him, probably wondering if this was real or just a part of your drunken imagination. nonetheless, you hiccuped, "y-you... you left me and i... i still can't even bring myself to hate you... i just wanna ask you why? i just want to understand."

he thought he also knew the reason why but every single time he thinks about it, he's only led to one conclusion: because he was a coward. no way was this any of your fault— it's definitely not your fault that right at that moment, as he stared at the mirror, wearing the black suit you chose for him, the sudden fear of commitment loomed over him. it's not like it was your fault he suddenly got scared of losing you the way his parents lost each other. but now he thinks it's ironic, because he lost you anyway.

maybe... just maybe, if he had just met you where you stood at the altar, instead of leaving you alone in it, maybe he would've been happier. maybe his days would've started more with a smile from you as you helped him fix his necktie before going to work. maybe, the working hours he spends in the shitty corporate world would've been more worth it if it meant he can come home to you at the end of the day. maybe... maybe he wouldn't have to be stuck with this lump in his throat as he wonders what could've been happening if he just chose to show up and vowed his life to you.

but he didn't.

"i realized i wasn't just ready to tie my life with anyone yet. that's all there is to it, yn."

so with a heavy feeling stuck in his chest and a quiet promise to never see you again for the sake of not hurting you further, he starts the car's engine again, ignoring the words you replied but he was sure they will haunt him for a very long time... again.

i can wait for you no matter how long it takes, tetsu, you know that.

⇢ OIKAWA gives you what seems like a guilty smile as he stands in front of you, opening his arms and gesturing you to come closer. but the stoic expression on your face takes him back to the reality that the last thing you wanted to do today was to actually fetch him from the airport. it just so happens that his three best friends were caught up with work that they had no choice but to send you, the main ex-bestfriend slash ex-girlfriend, to him.

why did you agree when you practically loathe him with your whole being? well, it was probably because you weren't the devil who would reject your friends when they were literally on their knees as they begged you and for some reason, you thought he'll look pitiful going back to his home country after five years with no one to welcome him. yeah, that's it. it's not like you're still in love with him or anything.

"my car's just around the corner," you begrudgingly walk towards the car park with him quietly following. at the moment, he knew better than to get on your nerves or else there would be war. he hates that this happened to the both of you but he can't blame anyone else but himself. because who wouldn't hate their ex-boyfriend if they suddenly broke up with them over a phone call?

tension filled the car as you both sat beside each other. perhaps, this was what other people were talking about when they say that it's impossible for exes to be friends again, to not feel any awkwardness because you were sure as hell that the word "awkward" was an understatement of your situation right now. nevertheless, your eyes couldn't help but wander to his figure as he adjusted his body, opting for a more comfortable position in the passenger's seat.

he looked more youthful and you felt bittersweet— proud that his whole aura screams of "success" which meant that gone were the days where he longed to get that winter cup trophy, nor the times when he overworked himself and put a strain on his knee which led to countless arguments with you. if anything, he looked happier and it sucks because you're not even close to feeling that way... not without him.

"i heard you've finally gotten yourself your own condominium? that's great, yn!" he exclaimed as soon as you began driving to your destination, a hope lit within him that maybe you might just respond to him. just one smile, that's all i need, he thinks.

but you remain focused on your driving, choosing to reply with a single nod and a soft "yeah..."

disappointment fills his heart as he faces the truth that your relationship has really been ruined, along with your friendship. all because he was foolish to think that he couldn't handle the physical distance between you two. realization dawns upon him that he just made that same distance worse as you pull your heart further away from him.

"... i actually bought it for the two of us, you know?" he whips his head to your direction in surprise, heart clenching as he watch you let out a sad chuckle, "i just... i thought it would be nice if we had a place to permanently stay at and for you to have a home to go to when you're at japan. but yeah... i guess things doesn't go our way sometimes, does it?"

"i'm sor—"

"it's okay. i'm fine now," you quickly reply, shaking your head but keeping your eyes on the road. he tries to ignore the tears that start to form in them because he has no right to stop them, knowing full well that he was the one who caused them in the first place.

as if on cue, you halt your vehicle in front of a familiar apartment and much to your dismay, you find yourself looking back in the past when you used to live in that same place, making wonderful memories with the chocolate haired lad with you. you clear your throat to stop the sob that desperately attempts to escape your throat, "uhm... we're here."

"oh, yeah. we're here," he numbly states, already missing you despite the mere inches of space separating the two of you. you just felt so far away and he hates it. but this was the path he chose so he gets out of your car along with his things, turning to you once more, "uhh... thanks for the ride, yn. i know you probably hate me but yeah... it's very nice of you to put that past us and i guess i just want to say sorry for hurting you... i just..."

"i don't hate you, tooru," you softly tell him, "i just don't want anything to do with you anymore. to see you this happy, without me, is like a slap in the face because i'm not. it still hurts and i'm not fine. i just hope this will be the last time we'll see each other. be safe on your trip back to argentina. welcome home."

and with that, you start the car's engine again, no longer having the energy nor the strength to hear his reply. but he wishes you did because as he watches your car drive further away from him, he can't help but wish that he can take back time so that you don't have to go to that condominium and instead, go inside the home you once shared with him.

but i'm not happy, yn. because how could i call this place my home when you're not here with me?

at that moment, unbeknownst to the two hearts that long for each other break at the same time, you finally let out the tears and cries that you've been keeping since you saw him, knowing that no matter how much you try, you'll never be as happy as you were with him— simply because he left you with a hole in your heart that no one else can fill.

© SKIYOOSMI, 2021. reposting, translating, editing, copying and any kind of plagiarism are strictly prohibited, thank you.

[reigenhusband]

Psychic Wedding Time!

Art by @/cowboyologist

After months of holding back, we finally tied the ole knot! Me and the conman are officially hitched today September 10, 2021!

This silly little blonde anime man means an awful lot to me and its really more than I can say. These months with him have been a great help.

When I went through some of the roughest things I've ever gone through, I had him to think about for comfort. He is a little part in what keeps me going and I wish I could thank him for everything. He sparks a lot of joy so I think I'm gonna keep him!

I've never been happier and I'm so lucky to call him husband! He's had such a positive impact and I love him so, so much.

Special thank you to my friends and of course our son Mob who carried the rings!

Under the cut is a little fic about getting ready for the wedding. Thanks everyone for your support!

Reigen squinted at his reflection, dark eyes hauntingly focused on a strand of hair that didn't take to the product he put in it. A grunt of dismay rumbled low in his throat.

"Um…Reigen?" 

"Just a second, Serizawa. Almost got it."

The taller man's voice wavered but he managed to hold fast and keep his confidence. Reigen could almost hear his hands wringing. 

"Er...Well. Its just...you've been staring at yourself for a little over 20 minutes now and you haven't moved and…"

Reigen sucked his teeth and pressed his palm firmly to the side of his head. Damned strand of hair! Slick like the rest of it! Don't you know know day it is?!

"What I mean is..! Are you alright?" Serizawa finally asked, his voice heavy with concern. "Since it's your wedding and all I figured you'd be nervous but you seem really on edge. Is something bothering you?" 

The blonde twitched.

 "W...what are you talking about? Of course not! I'm calm and-" He stopped abruptly and slammed his hands flat on either side of the mirror, his eyes wide and bloodshot upon inspection of his suit. A fleck of black thread pervaded his white vest and he looked around frantically for the lint roller. "You thought you could hide but you can't best Reigen Arataka." He muttered as he furiously went over his all but pristine wedding attire. 

His best man scratched his own cheek nervously and looked on with clear uncertainty. "If you're sure." 

Once he was satisfied after a thorough inspection and having Serizawa scrutinize the back, he dropped into a chair. Nearby was a table decorated in what was probably a thousand congratulatory flowers from clients. He exhaled and stared a hole into the arrangement of colors. His heart was pounding. His brow, coupled with his hands, were visibly slick with chilled sweat. His stomach was full of stones. 

He met his own gaze in the mirror again. He looked well kept and yet...disheveled at the same time. Come to think of it, his face was flushed the shade of his usual pink tie. The last 3 days without sleep also hollowed out dark circles under his eyes. His shirt collar began to feel more and more constricting as time went on no matter how much he tugged on it. 

Maybe he really was scared. 

He didn't doubt that he loved Mitty. In fact, he wanted to be with him more than anyone. A case of cold feet wouldn't change that. It was himself he was wrestling with here. 

Spirits, monsters, and deadly espers. He'd faced them all and came out on top. But they were nothing compared to these looming expectations to be a person to rely on. This wasn't something he could bullshit his way through. This was marriage. Mitty was going to see the warted underbelly of when he was Reigen the man instead of Reigen the psychic. His fiancé was going to experience sides of him he only revealed when he was alone. Would he still like him even then?

Reigen was good at a lot of things but this had to be the one that counted most. Could he really be a good partner forever? 

Was he really going to cut it as a husband? 

"Hey, Serizawa?" Reigen asked, not looking at him. 

The man's shoulders lurched at his name suddenly being called. He straightened his back. "Oh! Yes sir?"

"Do you think we'll be good together?" 

Silence sat heavily for a moment. Every second felt longer than the last. 

His friend seemed taken aback by the question but nonetheless looked at the ceiling as though collecting the right words to answer. "Well…"

Another moment passed and Reigen waited with his hands clasped and breath baited. 

"I've never been with anyone so I can't say for certain what a good relationship is but," A compassionate smile spread across the esper's face before he continued, visibly more sure of his words. "I think you and Mr. Mitty understand each other. You always seem to know what the other is thinking. You motivate each other to be better and you seem happy when you're together. And...and you trust each other too. And I think that's whats important." 

Reigen looked at the velveted floor. "Then…"  

"You've become more honest by being with him and he talks like you're really important to him. So please...get married if it makes you both happy! I think you can really be something!" His friend was beaming with 

what Reigen could only say was genuine assurance. 

"I really believe you'll take care of each other." 

His co-worker actually really was resourceful. Maybe someday he ought to pay him more. The uncomfortable feelings waned slightly and his shoulders slowly slacked. Mitty was waiting for him so now wasn't the time to lose it. 

After a few seconds of letting his feelings iron themselves out, he stood and smoothed his hands over his suit jacket. "Well alright then. If thats what you think then I guess there's no backing out of this one." 

Serizawa pressed his hands together in delight. "YES! I've got your back, Reigen!" 

The door into the hallway opened and a set of black eyes peered into the room. "Master, It's starting. Are you coming?" 

The jarring announcement had him scrambling to fix the piece of hair he'd been fussing with. 

"OF COURSE." He jabbed his thumb into his own chest to feign total confidence. "Right behind you, Mob!" 

He held his breath. Alright, let's do this. 

Mitty POV

Teal eyes darted around the room carefully. 

"Hey...Dimple? You there?"

The whizzing of the spirit materializing buzzed next to his ear. 

"Yeah whaddya want? You're on soon, aren't you?" 

Mitty jabbed his right hook into the air where the voice was coming from. "AGH WHAT THE HELL?"

A swift flash of green dodged his reach. 

"HEY, why are you hitting me?! You asked for ME, remember?" The ghost clucked his tongue in disapproval and floated a few inches away for safety. 

"WELL MATERIALIZE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU, YOU BIG BOOGER! I'm on edge!" 

"On edge? What for? You're the one who wanted this, right?"

"W..well….yeah, sorry." He looked at his clenched fist and opened it. "...sorry." He said again more thoughtfully this time. 

Dimple raised a spectral eyebrow. "Whats wrong? Having second thoughts? I mean it's Reigen so who can blame ya."

Mitty scowled while straightening his tie in the mirror. "Hey! REIGEN'S…." His voice softened closer to a whisper. "A pretty good guy. Get off my case. Aren't you supposed to be my support? You're being kinda harsh!" 

"Well kid, something is obviously on your mind so let's hear it. Wedding starts soon right? Yeesh. Once you do all this he's your problem forever." 

"I'm not worried about him!! I'm more worried about...me."

"About you? What're you talkin' about?! You're too good for him!"

"Thanks for the flattery. You still can't have my body though."

"Well I didn't want it anyways, ya bastard. You're weak compared to Shigeo. I'm just being honest here!" 

Silence.

"So? Out with it, What did you want anyways? You're talking nonsense here!" 

Mitty wrinkled his nose in discomfort.  "I just needed to ask something. But you can't run your mouth off like you always do, you old gossip. You're like a knitting circle."

"TCH. like I'd blabber your business to someone. It's all so boring."

"Yeah, yeah just listen, alright?!"

Another few seconds passed. "So? Say it. We don't have all day, you know."

He was looking at his hands again like he was somewhere far off. "Well. D...D'you think I'll be good at this?" 

"Good at what, exactly?" 

"Being married." 

Dimple's form rippled with thought. "You're seriously worried about that?"

Mitty was going to make a sharp remark but his head dropped and his face buried into his knuckles. "Yeah."

Dimple deflated slightly in exasperated defeat. Humans could be so ignorant. 

"Listen. That fraud never shuts up about you. You think you're not good enough? You should hear him talk. It's annoying how you both don't realize things."

"Realize things?"

He sighed and shrugged his tiny arms. "I hear everything whether you like it or not. You two idiots never stop talking and moaning about the other is too good for the other. It's getting old, really." 

"HUH? He says that? No way! But he's always beaten me at everything! I always thought he was way out of my league." 

 "Kinda the opposite actually but...sure. What I'm saying is…! You're both seeing the best parts of each other. Keep doing that and it'll be smooth sailing."

"Yeah but...what if he stops seeing the best in me?'

"You planning on making things hard?" 

"Not really. I just know I can be difficult to deal with." 

"So is he. You really think you got this far because Reigen's all roses and sunshine? 'Course not. You've seen all the stuff he does and you still like him, right?" 

He certainly was flawed, that was for sure. Mitty spent most of Reigen's antics with his eyes rolled up in his head but that didn't mean he wasn't enjoying the moment either. 

"Right."

"Then it's the same for him. Sure it won't always be fun but that phoney won't give up on you just because you're annoying. He's way too persistent. It kind of ticks me off." 

I'm annoying???  That stung but he shook it off.

Reigen was going to have to deal with him for the rest of his life once they said the right words. But if Dimple was right...would it be so bad to annoy each other for the rest of their lives if the other was willing to put up with it? 

Reigen seemed okay with it so far. Mitty would just have to listen to him make a fuss about his coffee table clutter until he died. But really, he wouldn't have that any other way. His voice was kind of cute when he hit that inhuman octave he had when he was in disbelief. 

The door from the hall swung open and a blond clad in what was perhaps the most blinding and loud suit he had ever seen poked his head in. 

"Oh, You're still in here? It's bad luck to be late on your wedding day! Master Reigen is waiting. " He cocked his head to the side. "Or did you need some help with your suit? Its looking a little plain." 

Hanazawa. This kid would try to accessorize his suit in the worst way possible. He put up his hands to wave him off. 

"N-nah, kiddo that's alright. I'll be right there."

Hanazawa, after a few more attempts to get Mitty to let him help retreated back into the hallway. When it was quiet again he eyed Dimple. He was abrasive and unpleasant. He always had a motive for everything and rarely had something nice to say. 

But he came through when it mattered. 

"Hey Dimple?" 

"Yeah? What is it?" 

"Thanks." 

Dimple wouldn't meet his eyes and levitated towards the hall. He didn't want to acknowledge he was helping, he supposed. It was in character for that tsundere blob.

"You ought to get out of here now if you wanna make it on time." 

He stood and dusted himself off. 

"Welp. Here goes everything."

[miomines]

the newlyweds act • villain au

previous

this is more self indulgent oc time. there's actually a genshin character we know who shows up!! it's still mostly tao and darling tho. im weirdly attached to this au now. idk if anyone else likes it that much but i will still write it for myself at least. anyways if u read this then enjoy

"The next big job would be in Inazuma, but we'd have to take a boat to get there," Tao sighs as they flop down to sit next to you. "It would be hard to find someone to take us over there without anyone looking into us."

"I'd rather not be stuck in the middle of the ocean in case anyone finds out who I am, thank you," you say. You adjust the mask on your face, still unused to the weight of it. "I should get a haircut or something."

"Haircut?" Tao tilts their head as they lean into your side. "Why?"

"I should make myself look different from the statues. Maybe I won't die of heatstroke that way," you shake your head. You're still somewhat baffled at the entire situation. It seems absurd and you can't entirely believe you're actually living it.

"Makes sense," they hum as they stretch out their arms. "Are you willing to test our chances in Mondstadt? I'd enjoy having a nice place to sleep for once."

"Do you even sleep?" You scoff, but you're only filled with amusement. You pull yourself up to stand as you look around. "It would be nice to see Mondstadt when I'm not being attacked."

"Mingyu is going to protest," Tao grins as they stand. "He's not here though, he doesn't get a say in where we're staying."

"He'll just have to deal with the aftermath." You snicker as Tao nods. "He's going to complain so much. I'm going to blame it all on you."

"What?" Tao whines as you pull them along to walk beside you. "He'll never leave me alone! You're so mean to me," they pout. It makes you laugh.

"You're the one who suggested we go to Mondstadt," you point out.

"You're the one who agreed to it," Tao shoots back. You roll your eyes and they just sulk. For a demon, Tao is awfully childish sometimes. It's endearing though.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Where's our next destination after Mondstadt? No Inazuma, we're basically sitting ducks there." Tao sighs dramatically and you snicker, poking them in the side.

"I'll have to think about it more. Any other jobs that I know of right now aren't the best for us. I need to figure out the second best one," Tao says with a small frown. "I'm not as strong as other demons. It takes me a while to gather all the information we need. It's why I want to stay in Mondstadt for at least one night. I'll be able to seek out information better."

"Demons are weird," you comment. You laugh when they pout at you. "You're okay though. I just don't really get it."

"It's not really something I can explain to regular people. Even Mingyu doesn't understand it entirely, but he understands the basics of it," Tao hums as they look off into the distance. They're deep in thought, a serious expression on their face. 

You nod even if they don't look over to see. You both fall silent, Tao deep in thought while you carefully guide both of you to the city. It's a bit anxiety inducing, going into a city, but you know that you'll be fine. Tao might not be as strong as other demons, but from what you know, there's no other demons in Mondstadt. A weak demon is still stronger than a normal human being.

Tao seems to come back to reality when you first step onto the bridge. They reach out just to tug the hood of the cloak over your head. Tao is relaxed, calm, as they walk towards the city. It makes you feel more at ease. You take a deep breath as you step into the city.

Without thinking, you reach out and take Tao's hand. They don't react besides a small squeeze of your hand as they guide you through the streets. It's late evening and you know most residents of Mondstadt are at one of the taverns. Tao seems to be leading you away from any busy parts of the city.

"-Excuse me!"

You both stiffen at the call, although Tao relaxes noticeably quicker. They squeeze your hand before they turn and greet the knight you stopped you. You try to calm your rapid heart beat as you look up.

It's the Cavalry Captain.

"Sir Kaeya, was it?" Tao hums and tilts their head. "What do you need from us at this time of night?" You try to discreetly take deep breaths to calm yourself.

"Forgive me for bothering you at this hour, especially after what was sure to be a long journey," he reaches out to shake Tao's hand. Tao is casual, calm.

"It's no issue, sir. What do you need from us?" Tao smiles as they lean into your side. Without thinking, you grab onto his arm with your other hand. Tao doesn't even blink at the extra contact.

"I'm sure you've heard of the whole… impersonator that's been running around." Kaeya sighs as if the fact burdens him. In some ways, you hope it does. "Since we haven't seen them in quite some time, most cities are now cautious of those in masks and such. It's not anything against you, we just wish for our city to stay safe from such criminals."

Tao hums with a careful frown. You can see as their mind whirrs, trying to quickly figure out a plan. "I understand, Captain," Tao says slowly. "However, my partner here uses this mask for health reasons. I don't wish to risk their health for such matters. I'm sure you understand?"

Kaeya nods slowly but the frown on his face says otherwise. He glances at you, a sharp glint in his eye that makes you want to cower behind Tao. You resist the urge and instead just lean into their side more.

"Sir Kaeya," Tao starts as they wrap an arm around your shoulder. "I know that the entirety of Teyvat is nervous about the criminal. I understand. However, your suspicions against my spouse makes me very hesitant to trust you."

Oh fuck.

Tao tilts their head with a grin, their eyes narrowing dangerously. "We have come from a journey on foot from Sumeru. We just wish to rest. My dearly beloved isn't a criminal, I can assure you this."

You feel yourself flush as you bring your hands up to cover your cheeks. Dear Celestia, is this how Mingyu felt when you teased him? You hide your face into Tao's shoulder and they hold you by your waist.

"I understand your fear, sir, but you're asking me to risk the health of my beloved. That's something I cannot do. Do you understand?"

There's a tense silence before Kaeya laughs. You sneak a peek to glance at him as he just shakes his head with a fond smile. You don't know whether or not this is a good thing.

"I apologise," Kaeya sighs as he ducks his head. "You are travellers, correct? The mask and cloak make sense now. I have been on edge and I took that out on you both. I am sorry for that."

Tao lets out an easy laugh before they suddenly kiss your forehead. You make a surprised noise (no it was not a squeak) and bury your face into their shoulder.

"I understand, Captain. No hard feelings, yes?" You can basically hear the grin in Tao's voice. "My darling here is very shy a lot of the time too. Please forgive them for not wanting to talk. We've had quite the long journey."

"I can only imagine. I do hope our interaction here doesn't sour your view of Mondstadt. We have all been very wary of new people due to this criminal wandering around."

Tao hums in agreement as they pull you closer into their arms. They rest a hand on the back of your neck and you suppress a shiver at the cold metal of the claws that lightly trace your skin. "Sir Kaeya, I apologise but we must get going. It has been a long day."

"Of course," you look up to see Kaeya shooting an apologetic smile towards you. You hesitantly acknowledge it with a small nod. "Have a wonderful stay in Mondstadt. Perhaps I'll see you two when the Windblume Festival arrives?"

Tao laughs. "The Mondstadt festival of love, yes? It sounds like a fantastic idea!" They turn to you and raise your chin up with a careful hand. "Don't you think so as well," they grin as their voice lowers, "my love?"

You sputter and reach up to drag the hood over your face. You can hear both Tao and Kaeya laugh and you flush deeply. Dear Celestia… If this was how Mingyu felt when you first did this act, then maybe you should apologise to him. You barely pay much attention to Tao's conversation, only refocusing when they're leading you away.

"Tao," you mean to say it in a warning hiss. It comes out as a whine instead. Tao's responding fond chuckle just makes you blush more.

"I think that went well!" Tao says with a grin. They have a hand on the small of your back as you both walk to the inn. "I don't think they'll bother us anymore. After all, we're on our honeymoon~"

"Is that what you told him?!" You hiss. Tao winks at you, a smug grin on his face.

"Yup~" They sing as they slide their hand around your waist. They tug you closer to them before they lean down and kiss your cheek. "We have to keep up appearances now~ Sir Kaeya also gave me a coupon for a honeymoon suite."

"A what-" You stumble over your words as Tao snickers. They squeeze their hand over your hip and you suppress a surprised noise (not a squeak).

"It's only appropriate!" Tao laughs. "My love, don't tell me you already wish for a divorce?" They cry out dramatically. If you weren't so tired you would tackle them.

"You're going to be the one who tells Mingyu," you sigh. Tao just hums happily.

"Of course, my love~"

"Would you stop-"

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Doctor Y/n - Residency - 4 - Grey's Anatomy x Fem!Reader

It had been three weeks since Doctor Kepner's wedding and its aftermath.

"Braces still won't talk to me, despite the fact she was angry about us not seeing each other-"

"Jo, she's not angry at you, she's angry at herself and she blames herself because she doesn't like being angry. She wants to see you happy and knows you're happy with Doctor Karev... but that she feels guilty because she's not happy, but she's putting up with it because she loves you." Leah retorted, leaving Jo to pause, her jaw dropping as Steph looked confused.

"How did you- are you and her-" Steph began but Leah knew what Steph was asking.

"No, she just gets chatty when she's sleep deprived, but she won't sleep and I don't know why. Also, she isn't interested in me like that." Leah retorted, leaving Jo to let out a sigh.

"I know why." Jo stated, grabbing her pager and phone before vacating the room.

"Did she tell you she wasn't interested?" Steph asked, ignoring how Ben Warren was still in the room as Leah sighed.

"I tried to kiss her and she pushed me away. She said it was her and she didn't want to ruin me with all of her issues." Leah replied, leaving Steph to just nod slowly.

///

"Braces, Braces, I need to talk to you, now." Jo stated, grabbing you by the wrist and pulling you into the supply closet.

"What?"

"So you'll talk to Leah, but not me? I thought you were my person-" Jo began but you stared at her.

"The nightmares got worse. I can't sleep peacefully alone but I can't sleep with anyone I don't trust, and that ruins your happiness with Karev, so I put up with the nightmares." You stated, letting out a sigh as your back slid down the wall.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have figured something out-"

"Figure out what? You're leaving with Karev anyway, you'll leave and get your happy ending and I want you to, but it fucking hurts. So I ended up laying on the couch upside down and spilling my heart out to Murphy, then the next time we hung out, she tried to kiss me." You rambled, leaving Jo to sit and listen.

"She tried to kiss you? What did you do-"

"I pushed her away by the shoulders, told her it was me, not her and that I didn't want to ruin her with all of my issues and I'd rather we be friends." You explained, fiddling with the end of your lab coat.

"And she respected that?"

"She just wanted a rebound from Doctor Robbins, but Murphy and I have attachment issues, I'm on one end of the spectrum and she's on the other. Plus, I've been saying since intern year, I don't mix work with that." You replied, ignoring how Jo was staring at you until you met her eyes.

"Please stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm made of glass, or that I'm worthy of love, because I don't know how to. I expect everyone to leave so I do my best not to try. You're the only exception, you're my best friend and my sister, Joey." You affirmed, about to reach for Jo's forearm so you could squeeze it but your pager stopped you.

"Incoming traumas, I have to go-"

"Alex called me his fiancee." Jo blurted out, leaving you to almost walk into the door frame as you stopped to turn to her.

"Oh, god." Your eyes were wide as Jo gave you a look that screamed panic.

///

"What part of 'accidently engaged' sounds perfect to you?" Jo retorted to Steph's complaining.

"The part where I get to threaten him with all the threats I've been saving since intern year?" You added, leaning in the doorway and surprising Steph, Leah and Jo in the process.

"How many threats do you have saved?" Steph asked, almost intrigued as you smirked.

"Enough to make him ever regret even thinking about hurting Joey." You replied, quirking an eyebrow as Jo stared at you with an unreadable expression.

"It was at the wedding!" Jo exclaimed but you had already slipped out of the room at that point.

///

"They're our bosses! And we're expendable to them! I'm beginning to think Y/n was right about not mixing work with sex and dating, she's the only one of us that hasn't gotten involved with an attending. We shouldn't be expendable to them, we should do something about it, you should do something about it." Leah stated to a crying Steph.

///

"That was vicious! He was drowning in there and you were enjoying it!" Doctor Webber yelled at Chief Hunt.

"Well I'm sorry my style of leadership doesn't involve taking Ross to lunch-"

"Tell me it's not about who he was sleeping with. Because I know it wasn't that when you broke S/n to pieces in her intern year, Torres told me what happened." Doctor Webber stated, leaving Owen to glare.

"You really think I would let that interfere with my job? Torres has coddled S/n since then, it's a miracle she can successfully-"

"Torres does not coddle S/n, she picked up the pieces you broke her into. I wouldn't have thought you would let who he was sleeping with interfere with your job before today, but you have a track record with drowning the residents, Hunt."

"Chief Hunt, there's someone from HR looking for you." Someone interrupted, leaving Webber to sigh as Owen left.

///

Sleeping alone was a recipe for nightmares.

The cure was for someone you trusted to hold you in your sleep, so you didn't feel alone. That was why you and Jo shared a bed, besides the fact the studio was cheaper than the two room places the two of you had looked at when moving to Seattle for the residency program.

No Jo meant no peaceful sleep.

"No... please... come back... where are you going? Momma! Dad! Please, it's cold, come back! Please..."

Your arm reached out, meeting cold sheets as Jo's side of the bed was empty. A tear dripped down your cheek as you pulled the blankets closer, trying to go back into a sleep that wasn't plagued by nightmares of when you were ten years old.

The next nightmares were from when you were seventeen. You could see it through the eyes of your seventeen year old self on that hot September evening.

You watched the cheerleader be thrown into the air, but her body didn't go into the pose. It just dropped, body hitting the grass with a thud. The small crowd of nearby cheerleaders and the first aid staff ran over.

The cheerleader was dead by the time she hit the grass.

"No!"

You never usually jumped yourself awake during your nightmares. You were usually paralysed with the dread that you'd had the nightmares in the first place.

You and Jo had a rule back when Jo was living out of her car and you lived in that old soul's attic. You had your crappy cell phones that you charged in the back of the high school classrooms, but if Jo needed you, all she had to text was 'red' and you'd come running. If you needed her, you'd text 'red' and find her.

You'd forgotten the rule.

05:33

"Today would have been her birthday." You murmured to yourself as you threw the covers off and walked over to the coffee maker. The coffee maker that always got a sad smile from you. The coffee maker that you and Jo had gotten after putting together enough money when the two of you were interns. Now you were the only one who used it.

Because Jo was never there anymore, even if most of her stuff was. You weren't sure how long her stuff would stay though, especially since Karev had already proposed once.

A sigh left your lips as you sipped on the dark liquid, mug in hand as you reshuffled the photos on the fridge to reveal one you'd kept hidden from Jo. A picture of you and the cheerleader.

Maybe you should try get used to being alone. You concluded as you finished your coffee. Just maybe.

///

Tags: @nnightskiess

[reqvlvs]

id personally like to address a few things ive been seeing in response to monday's episode because i like putting my personal opinion into places people don't want it :)

first off, need i remind some of you that Maddie has a mental illness? mental illness isn't rational. to her it seems like she's doing the best she can in order to protect her daughter. while we are aware that this is not true and that'd she'd never purposefully hurt her daughter, Maddie doesn't see it this way. some of you Maddie antis are using this to prove that she's a bad person or a bad sister to buck and it is really fucking annoying. buck is a grown ass adult. he doesn't need his sister to rely on so that he can have stable mental health. i get that he loves her and hates seeing her hurt because everyone with a relationship with their sibling gets it, but buck will be fine. can we, for this one, just focus on Maddie and hope that she gets home and she gets better instead of focusing on how bucks dealing with it? this is not to say that buck isn't going through it and that buck doesn't have a right to be sad, i just wish we could take the time to acknowledge Maddie is not a bad sister and that she does love buck, but she for this once needs to take time for herself.

second. read this very slow so you'll understand what im saying. eddie would never, EVER threaten anyone. this one's specifically for you fanfiction writers. a lot of you take Eddie's overprotective behavior towards buck and you think he'd literally kill a man for buck. while it is true that Eddie will do anything he can to protect buck, he would never go to chim and threaten to hurt him if he "ever touched buck again." like i said before, buck is a grown ass man. he knows how to figure out his own shit. Eddie loves his team, they're his family, he's protective over all of them. sure there might be slight preference towards buck simply because of how close they are, but he would never go up to chim and threaten to hurt him over a split second mistake. you all took Eddie's Street fighting arc and just ran with it, making him out to be a violent person. when Eddie was street fighting, he was going through a lot of things that he didn't know how to handle. fighting was just a way to get out everything he was feeling, albeit in an unhealthy way, but he didn't know how else to do it. he's grown since then. he's realized he can deal with his emotions in some other way. that whole POINT of him going to therapy was so be could work through this issues without violence. and and regardless, if there was anyone would understand what chim is going through, it's eddie. he too has been left by his child's mother before. he understand the emotional termoil that comes with becoming a single father out of nowhere. he understands chim. he'd never hurt him.

third and finally, i do not in anyway blame chim for punching buck. i really don't. while everyone has no doubt been going through it since Maddie left, chim has really really been going through it. he's been left alone with his daughter and his girlfriend could literally be anywhere. a situation like that is understandably emotionally taxing. he's going through a lot right now with almost no way to regulate his emotions. he's angry at himself, he's sad no doubt, and he's scared with no way to regulate this emotions properly. of course he was going to snap eventually. so when he found out that buck had been talked to Maddie, every emotion he was feeling bubbled to surface just exploded. of course, violence is never the answer and chim did make a mistake but i understand why he did what he did. and most importantly, he will apologize. once he's realized what he did and how he hurt buck, he will apologize, because chim understands and grows from his mistakes. you people just have to give him some time jc.

also to the fanfiction writer i saw saying that when Maddie came back that she should be mad at chimney "for not looking for her" a giant sincere, fuck you. chimney has literally been working himself to the bone in order to find her specifically as she said NOT to. Maddie might be slightly upset about went on between chim and buck but she would never be mad at chim for not looking for her. jesus christ y'all, i fr sometimes think im not watching the same show as everyone else.

anyways, feel how you feel about the latest episode, just make sure you take into account what is going on around theses characters and their actual personality traits. shit is happening and they're all going through it. and that mine friends, is the second installment of opinions no one asked for