#anyways it's weird because for a long while i've been like 'i must have perfect conditions!' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gaast · 5 months

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Since October 2022, I've been playing only one game at a time. That might not sound like much but for something that struggles to keep its number of concurrent games even at two, it's a pretty big deal. I did it because I wanted to commit to games, and to commit to finishing them. And for the most part, I've been successful.

As part of this, I've been tracking the games I've played and want to play, and I've been marking down the days I started something (usually) and the days I've finished them.

Now that this much time has passed, I've got a year's worth of games down, and I wanna do little write-ups for everything I played in 2023.

That means that anything I played in late 2022 (Silent Hill 2, Xenosaga Episode 1, Observation, and Red Dead Redemption, among others) can only get mentioned honorably here. But I'm gonna go through everything I started in 2023, beginning with:

Outer Wilds, January 1-January 7

What a way to start the year. Outer Wilds is unique and charming. It's really fun to fly through space in the awfulest space ship ever with the worst autopilot (have fun in the sun!) and check destroyed, abandoned planets, read ancient peoples' logs of their attempts to save the universe, and to be there at the end of everything.

Unfortunately: the fucking angler fish. I hate those fucks so bad that I actually didn't finish the game. I never brought X to Y (no spoilers) because I hate dealing with those guys. So I can't class this a perfect game. Those dudes need some changes.

Still, highly recommended.

The Sims 4, January 6-the ride never ends

I'm not gonna lie. This is just a sex thing for me.

Even still, I don't quite get why people hate it so much. I played the third game, too. This one's fine. This franchise isn't amazing. It's weird and held together by Scotch tape. I like that about it.

What a weird world.

Anyway, this must be around the time my ISP sent me emails telling me to stop pirating shit or they'd kick me off their plan, which would be bad because that ISP is the only one we can get in our building! Imagine being unable to work because you wanted TS4 DLC.

Bioshock, January 14-January 28, canceled

I couldn't do it.

This was my second attempt at getting through this game and I had to just admit that it's not for me. I didn't enjoy it. It was a chore. I decided to just set it aside.

Wish I hadn't paid for a PS4 copy when I already had a Steam copy. Ah well.

The Liar Princess and the Blind Prince, January 31-February 2

A very aesthetically-pleasing puzzleish platformer with a cute story and good music. I enjoyed my time with this simple little game.

Half-Life, February 3-February 5

You starting to see a pattern where I only manage to finish games, like, late at night, so I can't start a new one until later? Anyway.

This was my second attempt to get through this game. I did it this time, and I regret it. I didn't have fun.

I don't really know why I didn't have fun, I just didn't. Maybe the combat was too tedious. Maybe the jumping was too iffy. Maybe it just went on for too long. Maybe it's a case of "Seinfeld Is Unfunny." I don't know. I just know I don't like Half-Life.

So maybe I don't like the game, but I love the Headcrab Fucker 9000.

Poison Control, February 8-February 11

Sometimes you just wanna play a mid game.

Look, I like poison. I love pink. I love androgynous characters in suits. I like NIS. This game had it all. And it was perfectly. It made me want to stop playing a little while before it was over. It had a really good OST. I got the platinum trophy and I didn't feel satisfied.

I liked it. And sometimes that's enough.

This is the first on a small series of mid NIS-related games. I'll have more to say when I hit the other.

Grasping, February 15

Obviously I couldn't play this as intended, but it's not hard to imagine having shoved your hand into an awful box.

Anyway, this was good, I think. I don't really remember it.

The House in the Woods, February 15

Another horror game I absolutely do not recall playing.

Apocryphauna, February 15

I remember this one! It's good! I liked it! I wish there were more to it--like, a lot more. A lot lot more.

Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin, February 25-March 21

I held off on playing this for a long time because I had always heard it was "made by the B team" and "not as good as the other games." But I decided to play it. It was the gaping hole in my From résumé.

It's not as good. It has a ton of bosses and none of them are memorable except for a select few DLC bosses (Fume Knight, Sir Alonne, Sinh). It makes a lot of weird gameplay choices. It takes way too long for Estus sippies to heal you--like, in terms of the health bar going up. The Iron Keep is infuriating. So many of the runups are abominable. It runs with the clunkiness of Demon's Souls and Dark Souls despite having the svelte ambitions of Bloodborne and Dark Souls III. It has way too many sections where it just says, "okay, deal with a ton of enemies now."

And I loved it.

Honestly, this is probably my favorite of the three Dark Souls games. I think it is by far the most aesthetically complete game of the trilogy. It fulfills its own promise, you know? And I disagree with the people who call it bleak. I think it's the only game of the trilogy that actually offers hope. A real hope, too. One that says that, just because our struggle may not take us anywhere, at least our struggle itself is beautiful.

In a strange way, I think that Dark Souls II is the only Souls game that actually understands the Souls series.

"A lie will remain a lie."

Pokémon Violet, March 21-March 25

I didn't want to play this game. I didn't want to like it. I just wanted to play it. I love Pokémon. Sure, this wasn't a Pokémon game (according to me), but I wanted to play it anyway. The morning I finally decided to go for it, I had read that the professors were antagonists all along. How stupid!

And the reaction. Oh boy. All the glitches. All the performance issues. All the memes. What trash, right? Right?

I fell in love. I didn't think anything could unseat Gen 7 in terms of my love for a Pokémon generation, but honestly, this game might do it.

Did it need more time to cook? Absolutely. I'm not gonna sit here and say it should have been released as it was. No; it is in many ways a disaster, and it is certainly unacceptable.

But every inch of it oozes with love.

This game wasn't just shit out to make a buck. It feels that way at first, but no, everyone who had a hand in making the Gen 9 games absolutely loved what they were doing. You can feel it--from the sound design to the music to the character design to, fuck, everything. They did the best they could with what they had and they made one of the most charming, wonderful games I've had the pleasure of playing in far too long.

There is so much heart here. It convinced me that the future of Pokémon is still bright. Very much so.

Just... let's take a couple extra years to make the next one, all right?

Heroine Conquest, sometime in April

Look. It's actually pretty good.

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, March 31-April 18

I'll get this out of the way: I didn't really have fun.

The game has aged surprisingly well. Or Skyrim is just a truly unmotivated sequel. Either way, it holds up.

The problem is that I just don't think that TES games are for me. They're just so fucking boring. And I never end up liking literally any character in them.

I have fun actually playing for a while, but the general guideline with Oblivion is "don't level up." Fun! Either way, it's just rote after a while. Nothing really feels satisfying, and you're always worried something is going to break.

Frankly, the main story quest isn't compelling, either. With hindsight, knowing it'll lead to the rise of the Dominion again, it's like, well, shit.

Anyway, I played it. And it's certainly a game that you can play. If you wanna.

FEWAR-DVD, April 23

I called it "an arcade game" in my notes and that's basically what it is. Doesn't mean it isn't fun.

(Have you noticed I'm not reviewing games yet? It's write-ups; I'm giving my thoughts and impressions. Also, it's been a while, so I don't super remember a bunch of these. Oh well!)

Bleak Sword DX (Demo), April 23

I think I liked this? Apparently it's out. I should review it and see if I wanna get it at some point.

It looks pretty cool.

The Signal State (Demo), April 23

I liked this a lot because it's so unique and it taps into a specific type of autistic urge for me but god is its price tag just too high for what I suspect that it is.

Deltarune (Chapters 1 and 2), April 22-April 23

This was a replay of Chapter 1 and a first play of Chapter 2.

I think when I first played Chapter 1 I felt... you know, I didn't want Undertale, or a sequel to Undertale, but a secret third thing. And when I first played it in... late 2019? It wasn't whatever that secret third thing was. I liked it, don't get me wrong. But I think I didn't... get it?

Not to say I wasn't excited for me. It just took me a while to convince myself to finally get to Chapter 2 and to meet the funny spambot man.

Anyway, I won't bother spending too much time on Deltarune. I'll just say that in this play, I realized that Deltarune is that secret third thing, and that I think it's better than Undertale.

I'm scared.

Pizza Tower, April 14-April 23

I think I'm guilty of wanting this game to be something it isn't.

I wanted WarioLand, and it's like that, but it isn't precisely that. It isn't trying to be precisely that. It's trying to be Pizza Tower.

I like the game, but not as much as I thought I would. Not as much as I think I should.

I'll probably reply this game in a year or two and it'll click and I'll love it the way I was always meant to love it. But for now, I'll just let the "Tombstone Arizona" guitar impregnate me.

13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim, April 19-May 27

...It took me that long? Really? Huh.

Anyway, I love this game. I love love love it. I love the characters and the art style and the way they tell the story and the story itself and the gameplay (holy shit the gameplay!) and just. Man. I wish more games were just like this. Weird, experimental, talky, confident, cool, and unique.

This is the type of game that inspires you to write your own sci-fi. Or to write about its world. To think and to imagine.

And that's the best type of game.

Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown, May 28-June 6

Come to think of it, how can a sky be unknown. There's just the one.

As mentioned above, I played this after Ace Combat 2. With both of those under my belt, I now know: the way I want to play these games is not the way I'm supposed to play these games.

And that's fine. I feel like "gamers" nowadays are so fixated on the idea that games should let you play them however you wanna play them, and that if they can't accommodate that then they're somehow inherently flawed. It's like everything needs the mutability of Minecraft, the problem-solving freedom of Scribblenauts, and the role-playing depth of Dungeons & Dragons. If it doesn't score highly on all those axes, it's got problems.

Obviously, I disagree. Games can and should have "supposed tos." You should be expected to play a specific diegetic role. You should be limited (and by the way, you're always limited, so don't act like you aren't).

If I ever play another Ace Combat game (and I wanna play Electrosphere), I might do it on easy. I like these games but man do I not know how they want me to engage with them.

no-one has to die, June 4

I had to replay this Flash game that I had originally played once when I was probably 14.

I'm glad I did.

Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair, sometime in 2022-sometime in mid-2023

The strange thing about the Danganronpa games is that they're actually really good.

They shouldn't be. They shouldn't work. But they do.

This was kind of a replay. I had read most of the original orenronen LP back in... 2012, 2013? I only now have actually played it. And it's good. It's really good. I'm glad I went through it, and I'm glad I went through it with my fiancé, and I'm glad he knew nothing of any of the twists, and I'm glad I got to experience someone experiencing those twists for the first time.

SCARLET NEXUS, June 4-June 6, canceled

This was a second attempt after a first attempt in 2022 got deep into Yuito's story before I aborted it.

It's not for me. Not to say I don't like it--I do. A lot. I wish I could play this game. But I demand such fucking perfection from myself when playing it that I get too caught up by how poorly I'm playing to enjoy myself and actually let myself proceed.

I had to stop because I just wasn't having fun. I'm sad about it.

Risky Sanctuary, June 10

This is one of those games that I hope the developer comes back to, not to spruce up but to make anew. Because it's a really fun concept that basically got held back by being made in a month for a jam.

It really shouldn't take that long to clean come off of a wall.

HYPNOSCREEN, June 10

I keep forgetting I gotta play this more.

Parasite Eve, June 9-June 15

I'm still not super sure how I feel about this one.

The plot is fun but it never becomes compelling. There's an obviously evil scientist and he does obviously evil things. Never a good sign.

The gameplay is fun but it never hits nearly the level of intricacy and care that a close relative, Vagrant Story, does.

The dungeons are well-designed, though, and even if the setting is New York, it feels... fresh? It feels like NYC is always a backdrop in games and its specifics aren't important to it (see: Prototype). Parasite Eve actually cares that it's in NYC and it goes to locations there. The game feels like the developers enjoyed making it.

Also the OST is awesome. And Daniel fucking jumping out of the helicopter, getting lit on fire, throwing the bullets to Aya, landing in the water, and surviving is by far the coolest shit I've ever seen in anything ever.

This feels like a game you have to play at least once. I don't know why it feels that way; it just does.

WASTE EATER, June 17

It asks for like 20 minutes of your time and makes you cry. It's awesome.

EXPERIMENT: GROCERIES, June 17

I was more bored than spooked. It was a good try and maybe someone else will find it more fun than I did.

I'm sure if I replayed it and turned a critical eye to it I could talk at length about it. But I just don't want to.

I feel like if you're going to make uncanny the grocery store, there's other ways to do it.

Final Fantasy X: HD, sometime in 2023-sometime in 2023

We're about to see schedule issues. You'll find out why later.

This was, obviously, a replay.

I swear, this game gets better every single time I play it. I don't know what it is. It's such a smart, insightful game, with lovingly crafted characters. I love the inexorable northward journey, the feeling like you're constantly outrunning something even if you know you're running straight into the very thing you're outrunning.

Maybe it's because once you're aware of the spiral, its pull becomes that much stronger. I swear, I cry more with each playthrough, maybe because it just becomes all the more apparent how hopeless the journey is, and how much strength it takes to hope regardless. Yuna and Tidus are fantastic.

The gameplay ages like a fine wine, too. I know, it's turn-based, so it's hard to get clunky, but the game knows how it's being lenient to you and it knows just how to turn it against you. It's a system you can get better at. It's a game that rewards you in proportion to the time you're willing to put into it.

I don't need to tell you that FFX is a masterpiece, I hope. But it's worth reminding ourselves that it is. Because I think it's willing to be vulnerable in a way that most games just aren't anymore. I think the only Final Fantasy game that I've played that is more vulnerable than X is XIII. I respect the hell out of that.

(Speaking of, another honorable mention from the end of 2022 is my replay of the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy--and frankly, my love and appreciation for those games grew only deeper. They rule!)

You can talk about X forever. You can live in its world. It's fantastic, and it's always worth returning to.

Even if you have to make Yuna dance again, at least you know there'll be a time when she won't have to anymore.

Succubus Academia, September?-September 16

I tend to stay away from RPG Maker games, not for any valid reason but because creators, especially of eroge, tend not to really edit much. They end up looking fairly samey, with similar gameplay. Menus don't get edited, music is pretty bland, it's a fantasy setting... Exceptions exist, like Miwashiba's games ("that's a different engine!" yeah well they're still well-crafted despite being Made Like That) and, apparently Succubus Academia.

I won't tell you what tag I searched to find it on DLSite but anyway, I found it, I got it, I played it, and I loved it.

The map graphics are standard RPG Maker fare, sure, but the battles are totally custom and they're actually really fun. The music, though, the music fucking rules. I was there to bust a move, not bust a nut, I swear.

The concept is really fun too. "The only way to proceed is to literally get killed the right way. Sorry! But hey, at least you'll save the world. Snrk." Coupled with a battle system that actually has a really fun push-pull kind of resource management/health system, it just works. It helps that the battles all have Live 2D animation work going on, too.

Give this one a shot (no pun intended) if you like eroge. Seriously.

Dohna Dohna, sometime in September?-sometime in October

All right, look. It's not the best at anything. But it's pretty good at everything.

The character designs rule. The color palettes are awesome. The gameplay is fun. The OST is actually pretty outstanding. The combat is really fun. The mechanics are interesting. The writing has a lot of care put into it.

Alicesoft wanted to celebrate its anniversary and they were welcome to do it. I enjoyed celebrating with them.

Kirakira best girl. Even if Joker is truly best girl.

Baldur's Gate 3, sometime in October-November 14

One of the first sounds you hear in this game is a Wilhelm scream. This is a subtly masterful introduction to the game, as it signals to attentive players a lot about the artistic experience they're about to embark on: It will be more or less the same as everything else they've ever experienced, just remixed so it will hopefully be less noticeable.

And that's the thing. We've seen everything that BG3 does before, over and over, and we're so used to seeing all of these signs and tropes that it's actually become difficult to tell when they're being used poorly. BG3 throws so much of the same old shit at the wall and it can only stick because the shit that's there from last time still hasn't dried.

But here's the thing: I don't even know if any of its shit sticks. It's all so bad.

For instance, the party. Each individual party member is a collection of about 3 traits, plus their own unique brand of "horny for you." They're about as complex as late-stage Tales characters, but they have way less charm because they don't have anything like skits to round them out. In fact, because there's no guarantee that you'll have X or Y party member, or that they'll be present for conversation A, your party doesn't really have conversations together so much as they just talk through you like you're a telephone. You don't really have a party. You are a guy who has friends.

So you drag along this uninteresting, blandly-designed crew of the same fucking shit you've seen a billion times (literally one dude's whole thing is "I'm a vampire and I have vampire problems") who never really engage with each other (they'll maybe trade quips here and there, and they've got some dialogue they'll run through ambiently when specific ones are in the party together, but it's clear that This Does Not Matter) through a pretty standard fantasy world that by its own popularity offers little novelty. As you do so you meet asshole upon asshole who has a quick trait or two and says things in a European accent and maybe you'll get the scummiest Narrator I've ever heard say something smarmy based on a passive roll you'll probably fail mid-conversation. Go kill some shit and come back and maybe I'll try to help you not die. Idiot.

But you can't not die. You need to keep dying, and people need to keep failing to help you not die, or people need to keep trying to kill you because you're dying the wrong way for them, or else there'd be no reason to have the game. Honestly, if you lost the tadpoles before you killed the final boss, like, two party members would probably just outright try to kill each other, and everyone else would fuck off back to their shitty little lives, except for the ones who managed to escape their shitty little lives, in which case I guess the adventure continues! I don't feel like any of these people, with maybe three exceptions, would actually keep litigating the campaign if their lives weren't on the line.

But hey, even if almost every time someone speaks it's just to either whine about how hard they have it or to criticize you for a choice you made or to give you a quest because everything in Faerûn is your fucking problem, at least you get to have the gameplay! At least you get to slog through some of the most bullshit combat encounters they can throw at you with their barely-working mess of a battle system! With the most boring bosses imaginable save one! (Why is Gortash the only fun boss? Why does he get to have those explosives systems that aren't anywhere else?)

But oh, you get to make so many choices! You can be whoever you want, so long as they're someone who'll make any of these specific choices. Fuck off.

Meanwhile the music makes you want to fucking tear your hair out because I swear to god every single track uses the exact same leitmotif and it is so boring. Oh my god this game takes absolutely no fucking risks with anything. There's no fucking reason to play this thing. It's miserable. It's miserable, it'll make you save scum, its loading times (to load saves; loading areas is quick as can be!) are atrocious, and every time you have an option to pick something cool, you get fucking despised for it. You can become a fucking mind flayer and the game makes sure to tell you you're a complete fucking scumbag for doing it.

I hate this game. I hate it so fucking much. It is so bad and it has nothing redeemable in it and it has nothing noteworthy in it and worst of all it is just not at all fun. It's awful.

Game of the Year. Play it.

Monark, November 25-December 3

Time to fulfill the promise I made back with Poison Control.

This game is good. It's not great. Maybe it's pretty good. I liked it a lot. I enjoyed playing it.

Does it have problems? Sure. Could they be easily corrected? Yep. Does that hamper my perception of it? Of course.

As I said, sometimes you just wanna play a mid game.

After I finished Monark, I checked out its TV Tropes page, and I of course linked to "So Okay, It's Average." The Quotes page on that trope all seem to imply that just being all right is somehow worse than being bad.

I can't agree with that.

First of all, I think the binary of "good" and "bad" art is a false one. There's value in literally all art. There's something to mine, to find, to take home, to use, to learn--to whatever--in everything. Meaning and worth aren't exclusive to the good.

Maybe something isn't as good as it could be, but it's certainly what it is, and nothing else is as good at being it. Monark maybe isn't a great game but it's awesome at being Monark. I doubt any other game could compare.

So many articles from game writers and journalists lament the concept that "there's so many great games out there that it's just impossible to want to make time for anything that isn't great." That's... such a sad state, to me. Imagine playing a game only because it is considered "great." Imagine needing everything you play to have an award or a green Metacritic score just so you'll make time for it.

I don't think these writers mean to do this when they say it, but they're really benefiting a capitalist mindset. Companies have to do everything they can to get your attention. They have to make "great" games, or you won't play them. They need hype machines. They need stellar reviews. They need people talking. They need public reception to manufacture their game's own greatness, so that it will be great and then be played and then make money. If the incentive to get good reviews is to make money then the game is just a product and it wasn't made to be art.

I don't think people purposely set out to make shitty games or average games. I just think they set out to make the game they make, and the question is how well they achieve that goal. And that's entirely personal. It's something that only the creators can decide.

But in the end, some of the creators are producers and directors and executives at publishing companies who look at games in terms overhead, costs, projected income, earnings statements, financial reports.

But these are the people who make great games. Because they have to money to spend to make them great, the clout they need to keep exploiting their specific workers, and the agents necessary to make sure that reviewing publications will be predisposed to helping make their game great (you know, like what Nintendo relies on pretty much exclusively). The game doesn't have to be good. People just have to be told that it is, and then when enough people believe, they'll police the narrative so much that others will be scared to voice their opinion without getting a ton of clown emojis in their inboxes.

I'm not saying that's every "great" game. I'm willing to argue it's probably most Games of the Year as determined by Big Industry Figure Geoff Keighley, though (borne out for sure with 2022's winner; Elden Ring is so mediocre, dude).

Anyway, there's no need to play all the "great" games that are out. You know what you can play instead? The games you want to play.

You don't have to agree with me that sometimes you just wanna play a mid game. But you'll probably agree that sometimes you just wanna play a specific game. Good, bad, or mid, it's what you want to play because it, in some way, speaks to you.

That's all you need.

Mediterranea Inferno, December 4-December 6

Until now, I was cautious about pandemic stories.

The problem has always been that, sure, the lockdown happened for a year (in the US, at least), but it was only a year. It was major, to be sure, and I'm not downplaying that, but in the grand scheme of human history, it was a year. There's no guarantee (or even, necessarily, reason to believe) anything like it will happen again for a long time. So, I thought, how applicable could stories that come from it be to the future?

Don't get me wrong, I always recognized that in the lockdown was stories about isolation, grief, illness, fear, loss. But those are all distinctly human things we've been writing about since we could write. They weren't unique to the pandemic. Why use the very specific imagery of the lockdown to tell a story about those things when there's definitely more universal things to use?

I'm, as always, an idiot.

Beyond just the fact that it was an event and we'll never stop needing to take stock of it, to examine it, to see who we were and became through it, the pandemic was a world-ending phenomenon, a sea change, a new way of understanding ourselves, or misunderstanding ourselves, or misunderstanding others.

Mediterranea Inferno is about having lost yourself. The lockdowns made three young Italian men lose themselves, and when they came back together in 2022 they found that they had lost each other, too. It presents continuity with their histories: their self-destruction wasn't inevitable, but the pandemic forcing them to grapple with their places in life created living nightmares of isolation, grief, powerlessness, loss of identity, and loneliness.

When you start a new game, a card informs you that the creator made it "about his generation." He seems to think that we're lost, not in the way that the Lost Generation was, but in a different way. Whereas in the 1920s we lost faith in symbols, institutions, and humanity, in the 2020s we lost faith in ourselves and each other.

It's terrifying to admit that we can't do this alone, and that the crutches we always used to get through each day were other people. Claudio relied on his family name; it lost all meaning when his father blew his inherited fortune, revealing that there isn't necessarily a continuity between past success (Nino) and the present. Mida relied on the ways he could keep people at arm's length and when he couldn't get closer to the only person he wanted to grow closer to, he decided that others were there for him to take. And Andrea was never able to identify precisely what he needed from other people to keep him going, mistaking sex and skin-deep pleasure for the validation he so desperately craved.

Of course, if one of them gets accepted to Heaven during the Assumption, one of the others kills their friends and, in one case, accidentally himself. And if none of them make it--or if all of them do--they tell themselves that they're no longer friends. They walk away. They fall to the ground. They feel, sharply, the absence. They try to feel it in the crutches they replaced each other with (the past, the prestige, the plenty). But it isn't there.

Alternatively, if they suffer enough, they can give their spiritual guide through their pain an opportunity as well, and through him learn that they went through all of it to encourage them to revolt against their fathers, against the endless history that suffuses every rock in Italy. Paraphrasing: "There's never been an Italian Revolution. We've always been satisfied with what our fathers gave us, so long as we had permission to kill our brothers." He, like so many, wanted the pandemic to become a watershed moment, one that spurred on change, made the world a better place.

And the Sun Guys reject it. Their revolt is to refuse to be told what to do.

Just give them time to figure out what to do next.

I don't think you can tell this story without the pandemic.

This game is bleak. It's harsh. The style is immaculate. The soundtrack rules. Play it.

Assassin's Creed: Valhalla, June 16-ongoing

Here is why the schedule slipped.

I like this game a lot. I burned myself out on it. Over the course of months.

I'm still not done. I'm not letting myself uninstall it until I'm done.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Pokémon Fool's Gold, unknown

The new music was great and the sprites were awesome and I love Eris. But to me this was mostly a fun new way to experience Gen 2. That's not a bad thing, really. Gen 2 isn't great, but there's a lot about it to love.

Pokémon Unbound, unknown

This and the previous entry are the only two Pokémon mods or fangames or whatever that I've ever played. I'm glad I started here!

If you're into playing fangames or whatever you know about this one and you know it rules. I'm not gonna bother praising it directly, though I'll say it earns all the good things said about it.

For me, projects like these really remind me of why we're still drawn to the Pokémon series even when the people in charge of it keep making pretty drastic decisions. I've said for years that the series is for kids and that it's not only fine but right to keep its focus firmly on kids, but Black and White proved that we can actually have our cake and eat it, too. We can have a game for kids that is also just flat-out a good game.

But for some reason, even if I ended up loving Gen 7 more than I did Gen 5, I feel like it's harder to call Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon good games? It's more like I can call them good Pokémon games. But are they good games?

I want them to be.

But what I want Pokémon games to be is totally different from what anyone else wants Pokémon games to be. Fool's Gold and Unbound confirmed that to me. I mean, I always knew it was true, but they confirmed it. What surprised me about them was that they were also good. That even if they weren't my vision, I still enjoyed them as a vision for Pokémon.

But to return to what I said a few paragraphs ago: We're still drawn to Pokémon because in each new entry we find more promises. We find new things to enjoy, to marvel at, to wonder about, to fill in. Every new mainline entry, especially since Black and White, feels like a new reinterpretation of what Pokémon is and can be, and even if we as fans don't always agree, we still have the conversation and we're still often compelled enough by something in the new interpretation that we hang onto it and let it be a part of what Pokémon is to us.

For as much as it stays the same, Pokémon is very much a living franchise, one that changes and, no pun intended, evolves. Maybe it does so in different ways than we might want, but there's nothing stopping us from knowing better. Well, nothing except Nintendo, a company that is more than welcome to fucking die immediately.

Pokémon, both the franchise and its fan works, is constantly grasping toward perfection. But we all know that perfection doesn't exist. We head towards and we know that we'll fail and we also know that even if we were to attain perfection, we'd reject it. Perfection is an illusion, a cruel one; even were it not, it would still be cruel, a poison pill. Real beauty isn't in perfection, it's in striving for it knowing you'll fail. It's about being weak, bad even, useless even, and still being loved. It's about trying, hard, getting nowhere close, and smiling afterward. It's about working together to make something new, something that loves, something that brings us all together to love even harder. It's about the struggle; it's about the effort; it's about the handshake after the battle.

Wherever Pokémon goes, no matter who's propelling it along, it'll be Pokémon. And that's what I want.

#long

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light-lanterne · 1 year

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Hi! For the ask game: 7, 11, 45, 50 and 72, please 💖💖💖

hello! again, sorry for taking so long to reply :( i'm very forgetful

- - - - - - - - - - - ♡ - - - - - - - - - - - ....................ask game - - - - - - - - - - - ♡ - - - - - - - - - - -

7. tell us about the plot of the first fanfic you ever wrote

uh, it was not a romantic story. it was actually about a serial killer and him struggling to hide his killings from his best friend x.x it was a very lackluster job, i must say, and i shan't even mention the fandom because it's embarrassing how awful it is x.x that said, i was ten so i suppose it was to be expected

11. what’s something neat you’ve learned while doing research for something you were writing? also, how much do you worry about doing research in general?

oh, um, i won't describe it because i don't want to bore everyone, but i recently learned the mechanism of action of amphotericin b :] i love reading wacky medical text and create my own little diagrams to explain how things work to myself~ (now, why was i researching a very abrasive antifungal medication that would've been used in the 80's for patients with an invasive infection that may or may not affect brain, heart, lungs and the circulatory system? don't worry about it. i totally don't have evil plans for the kids in the darkest eyes :] ) anyway, i like cementing my stories in reality so i do a lot of research. i have notebooks upon notebooks full of random research that i then use for worldbuilding.

45. name three of your favorite fanfic writers

uh, rn @smoosnoom, @wiseatom and @wheelerboi, but ask me again next week and i'll tell you three different names (i have like 20 favourite authors who take turns to infect my brain, okei? i'm not good with favourites >.<)

50. do you plan or do you write whatever comes to your mind?

a weird combination of both. i plan a lot and have defined guidelines for each chapter of each story, but when i start writing the characters often do whatever they like and i have to adjust the story around those changes (and then they do something new and i have to adjust again x.x)

72. what do you do if a scene gets too serious?

i just go with it. if the story calls for heavy topics, and i can justify the increasing seriousness of the situation in my head, then i feel i must honour that even if it wasn't the plan. obviously, i take a little while to make sure that all topics are handled adequately according to their severity (like mental health struggles), but i try not to shy away from heavy topics. for instance, in the darkest eyes, mike was only supposed to have a problem with smoking. and that can be a serious situation (my dad was an avid smoker, i've seen the effects), but i didn't plan for him to also have a problem with alcohol and his pain medication. it evolved naturally and i'm trying to make sure that i tackle it with the appropriate sensitivity. likewise, mike in the trees are growing restless is going through a lot and he develops very unhealthy coping mechanisms. more than anything, however, some of the struggles he will face are very dark within the context that he is a literal child so i'm trying to balance out those aspects with making sure that it's all justified in the universe and, in the more severe instances, that i don't describe too much when it's not necessary (for instance, i'm not going to graphically describe will's death all 47 times because there's no point in showing all that pain). just recently i was planning out stuff for my runaway au, but here is one, and mike (it's always him,,, i promise he's my favourite x.x) developed a mental struggle on his own and it makes perfect logical sense within his universe so now i must write him like that, as painful as i know it'll be :( so yeah, i try to handle these topics sensibly (which partially comes from my ability to sympathise with a lot of this stuff) but i never shy away from them.

hope this answered your curiosity~! :D

#💕#💌#🌷#🕰️#🔪#🧸#dark byler agenda

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mydaroga · 2 years

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Recent music meme

Tagged by @goldslick to post 10 songs I’ve had on repeat recently.

This will probably be embarrassing since I'm basically all Beatles/Macca all the time, but it's also weird because I don't really listen to things on repeat--I've been writing so I've just put my "writing albums" on here and I've also been listening to whole records mostly as I work through the catalog. Also I guess Tidal doesn't really keep track of listens? ANYWAY ENOUGH EXCUSES!

Long Tailed Winter Bird / Paul McCartney. Hey McCartney III is pretty good and I just dig this song a lot. I think this really is sticking with me because I didn’t expect old!Paul to have anything that would really reach out and while this isn’t like, revolutionary? I really dig the groove and I really love that he just went into the studio during lockdown and made something beautiful. I’ve been pulling this out to show people he’s still alive and stuff.

Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five / Wings. Honestly wasn’t expecting to love Wings? But this was one of those that hit me when I got to Band on the Run that I just had to crank up and play again. Hey this rocks!

Dear Boy / Paul McCartney. I swear I’ll get to something else eventually but yes I’m still obsessed with this song. I have no idea why except to me, there’s this really intoxicating mixture of sweetness and menace. I don’t mean the lyrics are menacing. I actually mean the unrelenting harmonies feel sinister to me and I know not everyone feels that but I love it.

Spirit of Eden and Colour of Spring, whole albums / Talk Talk. I know they’re mostly known for their one hit single, “It’s My Life,” which you might know from the also excellent No Doubt cover. But I’m putting both of these records on here because this is my primary “writing” music. I have never found anything nearly this good: they’re dynamic and beautiful but somehow not intrusive on my creative process. So it’s more than “ambient” but they don’t distract me and I can’t recommend them highly enough.

Stairway to Heaven / Dolly Parton. My dad sent me a link to this a few weeks ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. I cried the first time I listened to it. The original is one of my mom’s favorites, and I love it, but something about this really captures the spirit of the original but puts a whole new spin on it. There’s something about Dolly’s plaintive vocals and the way this song is somehow made for banjo that kills me.

Twist and Shout / The Beatles. Yes I know it’s a cover but there’s just something about this song that’s become quintessential early boys for me. There’s the obvious fact of John shredding his voice but that scream Paul does right before the last chorus is something else.

What Is Life / George Harrison. This is one of those songs I got to and had to just listen to over three times to remind myself that I was already in love with it without knowing who it was. I hadn’t heard it in AGES but when I put on All Things Must Pass for the first time, this is where it came home. Just a perfect song.

Day in the Life / The Beatles. I can’t say I’m sitting there with this literally on repeat, but I need something on this list to stand in for how I’m hearing their songs in a new way, with new feelings. This song was always genius, but it is so much more to me now and I’ve definitely sat with my ear to the speaker just trying to understand it better. And picking apart the alternate takes. Again. Can’t do it too much because actual crying.

Everybody’s Talkin’ / Harry Nilsson. Again this is sort of a stand-in for the fact that my other primary writing soundtrack is an embarrassing mix of mostly-70s pop and MOR. It’s comforting to me and it doesn’t get in the way of my wording. And this is one of those songs that, when I do hear it again, makes me realize how brilliant simplicity can be. And how you can put sweetness and longing and disillusion into three minutes.

I’d like to say I listen to more modern music and I do but like, not by much. And right now I’m really unwilling to stray from the zone of either self-instruction or writing music, so there it is. Tagging (if you want!) @inspiteallthedanger , @merseydreams, @beatle-shampoo , @theoldmixer , @slettlune, @prettypersuasion , @brummelliana , @jeanpaul-georges-ringeaux, @gnocchichi and anyone else who wants me to add them!

#memes #music #my music #kris talks a lot

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hospitalterrorizer · 8 months

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diary4

hi, i did go to melt banana today, and i just got done putting hydrogen peroxide (somehow, just forgot what that was for a few seconds, i guess because i'm so sore all over) on my knees cuz they got bashed on the stage, i was right up front the whole night in the middle.

there's a pic of me my gf took, where i basically was the whole time they were on except i sort of slid farther and farther and right over the duration of the show because of crowd currents but there were 3 other bands, one was a really good local crust duo called swamp brain, bass and drums only, they'd also get really sludgy which was sick, and the third band right before melt banana was another really good grindy hardcore band called life's torment, both of these were local, agata was in the crowd during life's torment's set (awkward thing to say/write). there's not a lot to say about them, i think as far as local bands i've seen around here beyond my friend's band, this is the most absorbed by the music i've been honestly, i didn't mosh or anything during their sets, there wasn't a pit anyways, i don't know how much that disappointed them or disappointed the people in the crowd. i stood there and just absorbed the music, cuz idk how long lived these acts have been/will be, and it's not unlikely that it'll be the case that they can't get much recorded.

during swamp brain i did have a funny thought, about how hipsters, because the drummer kind of was perfectly hipster looking, glasses beard hat, a specific sort of shorts + band shirt thing, love sludge metal. this is the case for myself, it's the kind of metal i tend to like the most, at least, so i wasn't judging the band really but it also felt mean, like i don't know, like i was imagining he didn't have cred. but who has cred. it's all spectacle anymore. cred is dumb mostly.

the 2nd band, as i am, were really baffling, it was like 4 father-aged men kind of just doing their own things each. the singer really wanted to do rap rock so he'd go for it, while the drummer, who had an absolutely huge kit that included windchimes and a triangle on their own weird sort of lovingly crafted stand, tried to drum as prog as possible. the guitarist played, i dunno, he just played i guess, and the bassist was wearing this mortally faded mayhem sleeveless shirt, an unbelievable thing to think about was how he and the guitarist probably played much weirder stuff together and tried to get other guys to join, and it sort of became a weird cock rock disaster. they didn't even seem to know who they were opening for, and also, a huge cluster of old people came up front for that band. really strange stuff, they must have some kind of following. i have no clue about whether or not that's local or not.

we did get a t-shirt, also, i'm excited to wear that. speaking of that yesterday i talked about how i planned/scheduled my getting ready period and a lot of today was spent languishing / waiting on showering/shaving so i could pluck (lol cuz when am i ever going to get laser hair removal) as much hair from my face as possible. and then i showered which was normal and stuff and then i tried to do my hair in a bouffant but i don't think i'm ever going to get my hair in a bouffant and that makes me a little sad or maybe horrifically sad because it would be perfect i think but i'm too dumb to figure it out or my head is just not good for that really. so my hair's got a bunch of spray and hair clay in it and it was big and fucked up, at least. then i tried like 3 outfits on in a kind of rush, the first two were way too pretty/nice and i was kind of cunt about that because i wanted badly to wear them but my gf told me it was a bad idea and i was resistant for whatever reason. i'm really annoying like that and i wish i weren't but being told not no but that's a bad idea is worse than just being told no i think, for me, which is dumb because someone's trying to save your feelings but it just feels worse/ gently condescending i guess. i should be less stupid. i settled on a really fun thing i think, at least, which is more fun cuz i was trying to do a 60s dress w/ a belt in the middle thing but w/ a tshirt and dress layered under. it's at least the thought process that went into that. the trying outfits on kind of sucked because the whole time i was worried about my gf's mom showing up to take us there early so we could eat before the show.

anyways here's the look pre show:

and here's one after the show:

look at how my sweat interacts w/ the hairspray, so grody!

and god my back hurts rn and my shoulders too.

also today i did not wake up early or work on music like i wanted to, which sucks, and i didn't really write and that sucks and makes me feel bad/lazy/whatever, kind of dumb i guess. i feel dumb and worry about feeling dumb and never want to feel dumb always, constantly, i want to get out of my own head so badly a lot but it sucks and i can't, i want to be perfect always too and that's making me crazy right now kind of, it's at the back of my heart, it's inching in and it'll take it over and i'll walk in circles a bunch some day soon but not now, so there's dread that makes it harder to approach all the things i am working on and want to do. i want to cry now talking about this, and lay down and curl up and stuff.

during the show i got so sweaty that my mascara leaked into my eyes and i had to wipe them on my bag but it kept burning and i was crying because of that, and that felt good/interesting, the fact i was suffering and the loudness of everything, in retrospect i'm really happy about experiencing that and all the people shoving me, and the moments where i got to dance in my little spot up front, communing as best i could with the total noise of the band, the only other show like that i've been to was the machine girl show in reno i went to 4-5 years ago. i think this one could have been better, as a show, the crowd experiences were a little different, i think machine girl's crowd felt so extremely positive, a narrow group showed up for that, all weird and mostly gay, in reno which is a miserable place, so the dispersal of energy was kind of total, everyone was aiming at excess and i guess we all met it together. w/ melt banana it was getting there with the band and my friends, but moshing/dancing felt like i had to weaponize myself sort of, to protect from these really dumb people trying to rush to the front and guys who just kind of, i dunno, threw themselves against me/anyone just cuz i guess. one guy was awful in particular because he was grabbing me/anyone who looked like a girl, he started getting his nails involved too i remember, and he'd get really close on my ass too somethimes, and just try and pull you away/push you out because he wanted to be up front so badly. he was some dumbass in a denim jacket, i had to sock him in the ribs at one point because he got too aggressive w/ me and everyone else up front that didn't look tough, i guess. he retaliated (obv) which isn't bruising or anything it seems but like i said he and a bunch of other people made my knees get all fucked and i spent myself so totally i can hardly walk straight. even typing sort of hurts. so you know that this is like a labor of love, i think, right.

anyways, i know it sounds like i really hated the crowd but i didn't, mostly, i just think crowds at these types of shows can get very annoying, and w/r/t weaponizing myself, i wore chelsea boots that have heels and i was jumping up and down and i know i was landing on people's feet. sorry but fuck you kind of, i guess, maybe i was as bad as anyone else, i also feel like that's just how you assert some claim over space i guess. i dunno. all i wanted and what i got was communication w/ the music, it really overpowered me and being made blind because of my makeup sometimes added to that, it felt really honestly religious, and it's silly music, i like that anything/everything can feel like that.

after the show i stumbled to sit in a big couch a little while, and then i had to go piss. when i go piss in public i use the men's room cuz idk what to do so i just go w/ whatever default i've had because since i have a penis i have always figured no one would argue with me, but tonight, after pissing, this bathroom attendant said: you can't be here. and i was washing my hands so i was like: okay. he handed me paper towels and i left. that was really funny. honestly i think i feel basically good about that because i honestly feel like after i dance a lot at a concert and am all sweaty i have to be pretty uggo and like, not fishy anymore. i guess he thought i was, or something.

i'm reminded now, i kept thinking, watching yasuko use her midi control pad thing to play the drums / do fills and things, that she was giving mother. i felt it really deeply, it is a conviction, it's a river that ran through me my whole life and i've found it, in the crust of the earth, people who dig under their houses and find subterranean pools and streams. it's been a long time since i'd really listened to melt banana, they were there since hs for me though, it had the dust of excavation about it, hearing lost parts stinging me so cold was really incredible, a perfectly simple riff just driven so hard it absorbs you into it, or something, that song is an ideal of music.

even her voice, it was faintly there, maybe that's cuz i was so close and the guitars were so loud, which was fine cuz i was wearing earplugs (obv) but seeing her saying things and not hearing added a lot, they were there somewhere, or the effort to communicate and the willingness to get lost in the mess was really perfect, it matched the music, both of them were so happy performing, when i got there i was worried they were both not happy, or something, i dunno. idk why, but agata was wearing his mask and yasuko was sitting at the merch table stonefaced. they seemed genuinely happy onstage though, the whole time i saw agata's eyes smiling.

such a violent joy, i want violent joy always and forever.

we did hang out with my friends after, my friend's gf got super wasted and had to sleep and i talked with my friend about his music, i read him this hilarious thing another friend wrote in his notes app that i read to everyone but i won't read to you probably ever, sorry. it's this insanely goofy rap he wrote, goofy isn't the right word but the right word is really cruel and i feel like i don't want to be cruel right now. i just want to feel like this always, a weight lifted from my back and a soreness in its place, the soreness an etching onto my body of having been somewhere and having done something.

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jupiterflower16 · 1 year

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I was talking to my mom earlier, and we somehow got into the topic of my grandmother (her mother) and how she's grown stubborn and refused to go to the doctor for certain things. We then got into the topic of her grandmother (my great grandmother and her mother's mother) and how at the end of her life she allowed my grandmother to take care of her and why she won't allow us to do the same with her (my grandmother is currently fine, just some minor illness that she doesn't want to go to the doctor for, but she's still spritely for her age as she's nearing 90). She said something at the end of the conversation that stuck with me, but in order to understand why I'm going to go on a slight rant and tell you about my great grandmother.

Now my great grandmother wasn't a good person, objectively speaking, in regards to my grandmother. She made my grandmother, as well as her other girl children, drop out of school meaning my grandmother only had up to a third grade education, citing that the bible would not allow my grandmother to wear shorts/pants because it was wrong and my grandmother could only wear skirts since she was not a man. (We have since changed religions but I think we were baptist or some form of the same type of religion which I can't remember because outside from this story she doesn't really like to talk about it) I can't remember the full story but basically my grandmother needed to wear pants for some sort of outdoor activity for a grade and if she didn't she was going to be held back a year. (mind you they lived in Mexico and I could be remembering the story wrong since it's been a while since I've heard the story)

Now, this happened two school years in a row and instead of being in the third grade a third time my great grandmother dropped out and helped my great grandmother around the house. As the oldest daughter she was delegated a lot more tasks than her siblings and even helped raised her five other siblings. I must also remind you my grandmother lived in poverty, but even in poverty my great grandmother was also a sort of an almond mom and wouldn't allow my grandmother to eat too much to gain weight so she could find a husband, emotionally berated her, tied her to a chair until she had perfect posture, and probably did other things my grandmother never told me.

During this time she met my grandfather, who funny enough was only going to church because she saw my grandmother was, dated for a while and then got married. (this is a whole separate story on its own because it sounds both funny and weird at the same time from the bits and pieces my grandmother had shared) Anyway they move away and converted to catholicism (honestly I think this was the least extreme one she knew at the time and didn't know what other religion to change to) due to the fact that she had two daughters, one of them being my mom and she had lost two daughters because my great grandmother didn't believe she should go to the hospital for the birth and had complications resulting in the twin's still birth and her almost dying. So all of this coupled into them emigrating to the united states to get away from her, but being the eldest daughter guilt never leaves you and she still took care of her, crossing the border almost daily and taking care of her as much as she could.

Fast forward fifteen-ish years from when they moved to the united states (a lot of things happened during this time that aren't too important for this story) and me, my cousin, and my brother are born and are taken to go see her. She was 90 some years old and she was decrepit, or at least that's how I remember her. I remember my mom specifically put me in dresses whenever we would see her, because even though we didn't practice her religion, seeing me in any types of pants would have pissed her off and she wouldn't be able to stand seeing us for a long period of time. She died shortly after, I think I was five or six at the time. (Her funeral could also be a story in its own)

Now back to the original conversation with my mother, we start talking about how I think my grandmother wouldn't like me on account that I'm agnostic, wear almost exclusively pants to work, have short hair, have tattoos, and I'm pretty sure the media I consume would put her in a grave if she wasn't already there. My mother pauses and says, "Jupiter, no she wouldn't. I think she would be proud of what you have accomplished." Mind you she knows these details too, but even through my own faults my mother loves me and is proud of everything I have done to the point that she thinks every good thing I've done would somehow weather down the hatred of my great grandmother and she would also be proud of me.

After I hung up I kept thinking about it, because even though me and mother have had our ups and down, arguments that seem petty in hindsight, it made me realize that she really is proud of me and cannot really fathom someone not being proud of me or even hating me for it. I may have cried a little bit because of this.

#long post #mother daughter relationship #conversations #thoughts #growing up #I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to express this some way #my rants #this is more for me than anyone else

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makiruz · 1 year

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Watched the third arc of Andor, episodes 7-9

The pacing is moving from slow to unbearable, the episodes are too long, plots aren't interesting and episode 9 didn't even have an action climax

I do not like the Mon Mothma arc, I don't get it; she's very much a white liberal who doesn't get how bad it is until it affects her, but she's funding terrorists activities, but that appalls her, but when she's talking to her childhood friends she's like "I'm a rebel without a cause!"; I don't get her (specially if you keep her appearance in Ep III deleted scenes and the fact that many of her friends were probably assassinated by the Empire). Also I'm still frustrated with her family, I checked when this show takes place, it's 15 years after Revenge of the Sith, the same time as Rebels, while Mothma's daughter complaining about her work Leia is helping rebel groups in Lothal "steal" Alderanian ships, seriously why isn't Mothma's family radicalized too?

Anyway, a positive. I kinda like Syril Karn's story; I have never seen the everyday life of normal Imperial citizens, I love getting a look into that and I am drinking it all!

Now another negative; I don't quite get Andor's story here. I had seen the scene of Andor getting arrested for no reason and I was confused, I thought it must have been a flashback or something, but no, it's happening right after he participated in a terrorist attack, it's weird; but I do recognize the irony that he got away with a few murders and a theft of Imperial money but gets arrested for walking.

Anyway, I had heard Andor had some influence of THX 1138, and I think the prison might be it, I haven't watched THX but the images I've seen match the aesthetic of the prison. Now the prison being weird it's fine, they do say this is not like other Imperial prisons; but the lack of aliens do feel strange, there were absolutely no aliens in the previous arc, in this one we see one or two extras in episode 7 but after that it's all humans all the way; this is not right. Look, the complete lack of aliens in Coruscant and the upper echelons of Imperial society is perfect, alongside replacing the busy colorful landscapes of the Prequels with the uniform white it goes to show the corruption of the Empire, the once diverse society of the Republic is now uniformly human, that's visual storytelling, it's good; but that goes with a flipside: as the humans populate the high classes they push the aliens down, the lower classes should be populated by aliens to show their downgrade in Imperial society, but it doesn't, the lower classes are still mostly human, where did the aliens go? The Empire kill them? You cannot do genocide at that scale that quickly (that's what the Death Star was for). The other thing about the prison that jumped to me, was that the prisoners were all men, I don't know why that feels wrong to me, I don't have any ready evidence of Imperial prisons holding women and men together; but it feels wrong. I guess because Star Wars has never been big on gender segregation on an instinctual level I feel an Imperial prison should have women and men.

I am more and more convinced Andor's storyline would've made more sense if he was an alien, like I mentioned before his tribal non-industrialized culture fit better as an alien, because humans in Star Wars represent USA; but also getting arrested for no reason, and stuff make more sense if he's an alien and getting profiled by the canonically xenophobic Empire.

Also, side note, the prison is not worse than anything we've seen the Empire do before; I am still baffled by people claiming that this show made them feel the evil of the Empire more than, I don't know, watching the once terrifying Geonosian race driven to near extinction to the point Captain Fucking Rex who fought Genosians during the War now has to protect the last geonosians, who are one (1) guy and one (1) egg. Even the children shows that aired on Disney showed the Empire murdering innocent people; actually that's a thing about this show, everyone kept saying it was a more "adult" version of Star Wars, but nothing here is more serious or dramatic than Rebels or Clone Wars, the shows that aired in Cartoon Network and Disney; the only thing I'd call "adult" about Andor is the tone, and by the tone being "adult" I mean it's boring and pretentious

This show was overpraised. Even if the last 3 episodes are Hugo worthy, they don't make up for the rest of the show. I mean, it's not bad and the production is gorgeous, but the writing? the story? That needed at least another draft, and more aliens

#Star Wars #Andor #my post

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adatheromcomaddict · 3 years

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How You Meet the Cullens + Jacob

Hi! I've decided I'm going to put some of my stuff from Wattpad, over here. If you want to see my Wattpad, its the same username as I have here. Anyway, this is how you meet the Cullens, + Jacob. Probably intended for female readers, but it could mostly go either way... I think. And I do have the girls as well in here.

Edward Cullen:

Edward and you met at school. Of course.

"Um, excuse me?" You asked a small girl, with short brown hair.

She turned around, revealing her pale white skin, and beautiful golden eyes.

"How can I help you?" She asked.

"I was wondering where Mr. Molina's classroom is?" You replied.

"Oh, yes. I can show you the way!" She grabbed your hand, and pulled you down the halls. (Wow, this is turning into an Alice preference)

"Thank you!" You said, when you two arrived at the classroom.

She pointed inside the room, towards a beautiful boy, with golden hair, and dark, dark, eyes. He glared at her, with his hand over his mouth. I turned to look at her, and she winked back at him.

"Uh, thank you. Oh, I never got your name." You said.

"Alice. Yours?" She asked, still smiling.

"Y/N."

"Well, Y/N, looks like you'll be sitting next to my brother, Edward, in there." She waved, and skipped away.

I walked inside the class, towards the boy, and sat down. He looked away, took a deep breath, then turned back to me.

"Hi, um, I'm Y/N. You're Edward, right?" I asked.

"Yes. I-I am." He seemed like he was in pain or something.

Weird.

Jacob Black:

I had lived in the outermost part of Forks for as long as I have lived. (Sounds like a wedding vow)

We were right next to the border of La Push. Therefore, I go to the school in the reservation.

(I have absolutely NO clue what the school is like there, so I'm making it up)

But, I didn't really talk to anyone. I had a few friends from down in the more central part of Forks, Bella Swan was one of them. She recently moved here full time. I hadn't seen her since I was little.

There was this one kid named Jacob who I had met a couple of times, mostly when he played with Bella snd I while our parents went fishing or whatever.

But, since Bella was going to school in Forks, I decided I would try and re-connect with this Jacob, to see if I could hang out with him.

So, I asked around one day at school for what classes he was in, and found out that he was in one of my classes. How did I never notice? Oh, just me and my oblivious self. (Sorry, if you're like- not oblivious?)

Well, I found him one day.

"Jacob, right?" I asked him.

"Oh, yes, oh, oh! Y/N! Hi!" He seemed to be a very nice boy.

"Yes, it's me. Um, I haven't talked to you in years, I'm surprised you remember my name." I explained.

"I'm surprised you remembered mine." He laughed.

"So, uh, I"m kind of wondering if you want to like, hang out or something. Anywhere works. I just need some company." (Bella who?)

"Sire! You could come by my house today after school and we can catch up. Do you like cars?" He asked.

"Depends." I laughed in response.

"Well, you can come help me too. I like to re-build them."

"Sounds like a plan."

Emmett Cullen:

(for this one you are a vampire already, and yes I basically stole Rosalie's life. Also, if I get facts wrong, don't come for me, just tell me *kindly* and I will fix it)

I became a vampire in 1920. Two years after my brother Edward, and one year before my mother Esme.

I'd been a vampire for 15 years already. How time flies

One day I was running through the forest when I heard screams coming from a small patch. I sprinted towards the place, and saw a boy, probably 20, getting attacked by a bear. I shoved the bear off of him instantly, and bit into it, getting it's blood.

I remembered that the boy was watching, and was probably shaken up, not to mention, he was most likely dying. I turned back towards him, wiping a small bit of blood off of my lip, and said,

"Hello, I'm Y/N Cullen."

"E-Emmet. How did you do that?" He asked, very weakly.

"I have my ways. What hurts?" I asked.

"Everything." Of course-

"I'll be right back. Don't move." Not that he really could. I sprinted back to my house. I opened the door, and Carlisle, Esme, and Edward turned towards me.

"Y/N? What is it?" Carlisle asked.

"There's a boy, Emmett. He got attacked by a bear. He's very weak. You need to turn him Carlisle."

They all sprinted into the woods, and I led them towards where Emmett lay. He was still there, but weaker.

Jasper Hale:

(you're a vampire)

Jasper became a vampire in 1863. (I think)

He was telling me his story.

I had recently been turned into a vampire by Carlisle, after he rescued me, and I hadn't really met the rest of the family yet. (You can make up why you had to become a vampire)

When Jasper had finished the story, I said, "Wow."

"That's all I could get out. His story was just, wow....

I forgot, Edward could read my mind. I only remembered when he chuckled after I thought that.

I gave him an internal glare.

Bella was sitting in the corner, with him.

"So, Y/N, tell us your full story." Jasper smiled.

(Sorry, his is kind of short..)

Carlisle Cullen:

It was my first day working at the Forks Hospital and I needed some directions.

I walked up to mid-height man, with blonde hair, and very pale skin.

"Hello, sir?" I asked him, and he spun around.

"Yes, Ms. Y/L/N?" He asked.

"H-how do you know my last name?" I asked in response.

"I heard someone talking about you coming, and you're the only new face around here. We don't get them often." He smiled, and my heart fluttered. Good thing he wasn't like a super-hearer or anything. {;)}

"Well, uhm, I was just wondering where the surgical ward is?" He pointed towards the left, and I smiled slightly, walking away, and quietly looking back at him after I was sure he couldn't see me.

Alice Cullen:

(You had already seen Alice before, but never interacted with her much, like most of the students)

I was walking around in the forest, when I heard footsteps.

"Hello?" I called out.

"Y/N!" A girl replied, I noticed it was Alice Cullen.

"Oh, hello, Alice." I was a bit confused to how she knew my name, but to be honest, I knew her's too and that's a bit strange. But, everyone does talk about the Cullens.

"What are you doing out here in the forest?" She asked me. I didn't have a valid answer. I could say "Just felt like taking a stroll..." or "Oh, I'm working on my steps." but, none of those were true, I really didn't know what I was doing here.

"Uhm, working on my steps, and taking a stroll....??" I questioned myself.

"Oookay then. Would you like to come with me? I can show you some of my favorite spots to relax." The way she said relax made me think she wasn't relaxing, and probably meant running around and exercising. Just what I needed.

"Sure, sounds great." I smiled.

Rosalie Hale:

Everyone that lives in Forks knows about the Cullens. Even the people in the reservation.

There's the three boys, the goofy one, the silent one, and the constipated one.

Then there's the two girls. Alice and Rosalie.

I've talked to Alice, we've said hi.

But in general, I know nothing about Rosalie.

All I know is she is incredibly smart, beautiful, and did I mention gorgeous?

I've never had the guts to talk to her. Maybe it's that I'm a wimp, or maybe it's that she is very intimidating. Probably a mixture of both.

But today, I got lucky, and didn't have to talk to her. She talked to me.

I had noticed her eyeing me a few times, and I never knew if she was looking down on me, in a bad way, or if she was interested in me. Both ways scared me.

Today, she came up to me.

I was sitting at the lunch table with Angela and Jessica, and the new kid, Bella.

"Y/N, can I talk to you really quick?" She asked.

"Uh, uh, yes, yes, sure." I stood up quickly, and while walking away with her, I turned towards Angela and Jess, and they smiled and winked.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to know... did you want to hang out sometime?"

"Like, a date...?"

"Uh, yeah. Like a date." She smiled and we both laughed.

"Sure." I smiled back.

Bella Swan:

Apparently, today Chief Swan's daughter is moving to the school.

I'm looking forward to it, I want to make more friends.

I was standing outside, waiting to see if I spotted her, when a big, orange-red truck pulled into the parking lot.

It must be her! I've never seen that truck before.

I ran up to it, when I saw people laughing at it. Whatever, I think it's cool.

She climbed out of her truck, and I probably startled her, standing there.

"Hi! I'm Y/N Y/L/N. You're Chief Swan's daughter, right?" I asked.

"Uh, yes. Bella Swan." She stuck out her hand, and I shook it.

"So, do you want to know anything, anything special?" I asked.

"Um, I'm not sure...." She said, tucking her hair behind her ear. (Ugh, a classic Bella move)

"No worries. Let me show you to your first class." I smiled, and took her hand, pulling her down the hallway.

Esme Cullen:

I was walking around town, alone. A kind of dangerous move, since there have been so many mysterious attacks lately.

I was looking through random stores, when I noticed Esme Platt, (we're just saying she isn't a Cullen because I guess they aren't married...????) Carlisle Cullen's old friend. (I don't even know how to write this...)

"Hi, Esme." I said.

"Oh, hello, Y/N." She smiled.

"How have you been?" I haven't seen her in a while. We've talked a few times.

"I've been good, how have you been?" She replied.

"I'm great. We really should catch up sometime." I said, trying to be subtle.

"Yes, we should. Do you want to go to lunch tomorrow?" She asked.

"Of course! Where do you want to go?"

"Don't worry about me. I won't eat much anyway."

******

So, yeah, that's it. I'm aware that these aren't perfection, bur they were fun to write so, yeah!

I will be posting a lot more now since I'm getting really into writing again ;)

Thank you all for reading, (not that a ton of people are going to read this lol)

And yeah, see you soon! :3

-Ada

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saidrolav · 3 years

Text

We know.

Sam Wilson x gn!reader

(bit of Steve Rogers x gn!reader (platonic))

Summary: You're in a secret relationship with Sam and things go out of control when Bucky and Steve find out about it.

Warnings: none! purely fluff! :))

A/n: Hiii everyone! I'm participating at the writing challenge of @sweeterthanthis with my babe Sam, been dying to write for him lately!! Congratulations on your 6K followers!!! Hope you enjoy! #quotemeonit6kchallenge

Prompts: “They don’t know that we know they know we know.” - Friends

not my gif!

Bucky threw his bag across his appartment that he shared with Steve and made this one jump when he heard the door slam. The blonde frowned and looked at Bucky with concern but before he could say something the brunette spoke first.

"You'll never guess who i saw at the coffee shop." A wide smile took place on Bucky's face which made Steve smile too.

"I don't know, who-" "I SAW Y/N !" Steve frowned with confusion but Bucky once again said something before he could answer. "That's the thing! They told us they were going to the library." "Hum, yeah, but they could've stopped by the coffee shop you know.."

Bucky jumped next to Steve on the couch where he was sitting and his smile was growing wider and wider as much as Stevie was talking. "They weren't alone !" "What ?" "They were with Sam !" Steve's eyes widened before smiling too, realization starting to hit him and Buck only got more excited at the reaction of his friend.

"You think they're dating ?" "Definitly." The brunette looked absolutely confident about what he was saying. "They saw you ?" "No." "How do you know ?" "I know when i'm being watched-Okay anyway, it's the perfect time for pranks !" Buck always liked to make fun of Sam and if Steve could be a part of a prank, he will.

Steve got up from the couch and started walking, with his head in his hands, searching ideas of pranks to do on you and Sam. Pranks sounded appealing, he didn't thought of a second choice, why would he ? Suddenly something popped in his head and he turned around to face Buck with a huge grin plastered on his features.

"So, they don't know that we know ?"

You and Sam weren't dating for so long, maybe 2 or 3 months but it was love at first sight. When Steve had introduced the two of you Sam was speechless by your beauty and it was the first time he didn't know what to say to a charming person to make them blush. Steve and Bucky didn't noticed the chemistry between the two of you but both, you and Sam knew there was something going on inside your stomachs when you were close, and it was intoxicating.

When you were around each other your whole skin felt like burning and your mouth was going dry. Him, he was lost in his thoughts while looking at you and was somehow shy to say dumb things, he didn't wanted to look like an idiot in front of you. His heart was shattering everytime you would laugh and even more if he was the reason of your laugh, he felt like you weren't thinking he was stupid and, it was a relief for him.

So, as soon as the two of you started dating the first thing you started to do was hiding your relationship to everyone. You didn't want anyone to interfere with your relation because it was just, too perfect. You were scared that any little thing would break everything and it was way too soon to tell everyone that the both of you were dating.

The lies started soon towards your two bestfriends Bucky and Steve, and today was like any other day. You said to them that you were going to the library only to met Sam at the coffeeshop and as always he would take your breath away. Even if you were dating for 2 months he was always stunning to you, he greeted you with a hug and a huge smile which you fastly returned.

Your date was going abdolutely perfect like you had imagined. You and Sam talked about everything and he was really funny, as always, he was making you laugh like no-one ever did. It was amazing. After a good thirty minutes and a cup of coffee you frowned a bit when you saw Steve's number appearing on your phone. You apologized to Sam quickly before answering, taking a last sip of your cup.

"Hey y/n! Are you busy right now ?" You frowned even more and gave a quick glance at Sam before answering quickly.

"No, no i'm not, why ?" You waited slowly for the blonde answer while biting your lip, afraid something happened to him.

"Oh cool! Huh," you heard him clear his throat trough the phone, "I was thinking maybe we could go on a date somewhere.. Just the two of us." Your eyes widened suddenly and Sam choked on his coffee. Wow. You clearly weren't expecting that, like, at all, especially in front of Sam. Steve was asking you on a date ? He was like a brother to you, like Bucky, and all of this seemed so weird to you.

"Hum.. Steve i like you a lot but, not in that way, you know.." Your eyes were scanning Sam's face for help but he clearly was under the shock himself and you could see a bit of jealousy in his features.

"Oh! Huh, that's okay, see ya!" Before you could say something else he had already hang up, leaving you alone with Sam and the silence between the two of you. After a couple of minutes in a huge akward silence, Sam talked.

"They know." You furrowed your eyebrows and tilted your head on the side, waiting for him to explain what he meant. "I mean, they know about us! And they're messing with us. Bucky or Steve must have seen us together. Steve wouldn't do that to you, i mean, i hope." A bright smile took place on his lips and soon on yours too, it all made sense.

"So, now that they know we can tell them about us!" You took his hands with excitation but he cocked an eyebrow at you while a mischievous smirk replaced the smile on his lips. "But, they don't know that we know that they know." You frowned even more and at this point your head started to hurt of too much thinking but after you had figured it out, it was your turn to cock an eyebrow at Sam.

"What do you offer ?"

"The messers become the messees !"

On the other side of town, Bucky and Steve were way too happy about their joke that they had ordered pizzas to their victory.

Little did they know that on your side, you and Sam were preparing your revenge. Soon, the laughs of the super soldiers were cut by a phone that was ringing and Steve realized it was his. He took it in his hand and cocked an eyebrow, showing the screen to Bucky and he read quickly your name on it.

Steve answered to your call while frowning. "Y/N is everything okay ?" He took a slice of pizza and shoved it in his mouth fastly.

"Yeah Steve! I kinda changed my mind, i'm fine with going on a date with you!" Steve's eyes widened and he opened his mouth but no sound came out and he went back to reality when Bucky slapped his arm. "O-Oh really ?" "Yeah! I'll pick you up at the appartment in ten minutes be ready!"

Bucky eyes widened and got up from the couch suddenly making movements to tell Steve to stay at the appartment so he could hear how the fake date would go. "Yeah huh, actually, don't pick me up, let's just stay at my place!" He cringed at himself for saying this to you because he clearly had only platonic feelings around you. "Fine! See ya later!" He said a quick goodbye and got up from the couch too looking at Bucky with horror.

"I can't believe Y/N would do that to Sam!" Bucky frowned and Steve too, realization hitting them. "Okay, they know. They're pranking us too. They're not backing down! What do we do ? You're gonna have a date! But... They don’t know that we know they know we know." Bucky cringed too and run his fingers trough his hair while searching for an option. "I don't have time Buck they're coming here in like, 10 minutes!" "Okay i'll be in the bathroom, get ready, if it's getting out of control come to see me." Steve nodded quickly, hating the idea of having to fake a date with you when he clearly didn't want too. In what did he had gotten into ?

You couldn't believe what you were doing, you were on your way to have a date with your bestfriend and your boyfriend was going to listen to the two of you at the door. In what world were you living in ? You were stressed as ever and squeezing Sam's hand harder than you ever did. He was whispering you calming words while playing with your hair all the way to the super soldiers's appartment. When you got here he gave you a quick kiss that gave you butterflies and made your cheeks turn a deep shade of red.

"Hey, i'll be there okay, you're gonna do great, show these grandpas who is the boss." He chuckled and you joined in before knocking to the door, Sam hiding in the staircase quickly after you did so.

The door opened and you were met by the tall blonde you always knew and the weirdness was soon here. You wondered for a brief moment where Bucky was but the silence was soon your main priority. Steve took your coat in full silence and you couldn't imagine how much Sam was going to make fun of you after this fake date. Long minutes passed by and you only made small talk with Steve you guys ate pizzas in silence and everything that was going on was way too weird. How you ended up in this situation ? You had to do something, the silence filling the room was too much, it was overwhelming!

You took a deep breathe and putted down your drink and looked Steve in the eyes. "Steve, the silence is too much. I know you know i date Sam. I don't know how but i know you do so please. Can we just stop that and have a real conversation ? The date, the pranks and all it's all just too strange to me." You chuckled and he let out a loud sigh of satisfaction while a smile took place on his features.

"Oh my god! Thank you, it was Bucky's idea and it felt terrible doing that to you." He rubbed your back while giving you a gentle smirk.

"It felt terrible for me too, i mean for Sam, i've never felt so much love for someone and i was scared of everything that could've happened if i told you and Bucky and... i love him. I couldn't ever do that to him, he's my whole world." You returned his smile and you heard a door opening. You turned your gaze towards the sound and saw Sam standing in the entrance with the biggest grin on his face that you ever seen, you thought on the moment he could cry. He ran towards you and squeezed you harder than ever while you laughed like crazy, Steve joining your laugh fastly.

"I love you so much too! You don't know how good it feels to hear it from the person i love the most in the world and that is even here in my dreams." He winked at you before the two of you laughed. "I mean: I love you cutie." He took your chin between his thumb and index and kissed you like his life depended on it. You slowly closed your eyes and so did he. Butterflies errupted in both of your stomach and your lungs were out of air, you were reciprocally taking both of your breaths away. He putted his arms around your hips and you putted yours on his neck. You could feel him grin in the kiss and you guys kept kissing even when you heard another door opening.

"STEVE YOU MESSED UP OUR WHOLE PRANK !"

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themountainsays · 2 years

Note

I've seen you like IsaCami so like, a concept: Camilo finds out that Dolores is in love with Mariano, and so he confesses to her that he's into Isa so that she feels less alone, except this only makes them both want to ruin the engagement even more because they don't want to see their sibling sad.

Like, Camilo never thought he'd have a chance with Isabela. Even if he overlooked the giant issue of being cousins, he still thinks she's too good for him. She's Abuela perfect golden child, after all, so stopping the wedding would be pointless because Isa would just end up with an even better fiance in the end. But Dolores could totally have a chance with Mariano, and now he really, really wants to give his sister the opportunity he could never have.

Meanwhile, Dolores knows that her situation (while tragic) is understandable. If she told her parents about how she feels, they would support her and try to find her a new love. They would give her the space and time to process everything. And she keeps a low profile- nobody in the family would notice if she spent more time than normal in her room or if she was sadder than usual. But Camilo is the funny one; if he stopped cracking jokes and teasing Isabela and playing around with everyone, the whole family would ask questions. And what would he even answer? That he's in love with his cousin? Who knows how they would react to that? They might even disown him! So he has to grit his teeth, fake a smile and pretend nothing's wrong, and that just sounds depressing as fuck to her.

Anyway sorry for the extremely long and angsty ask rip. At least Dolores got Mariano at the end! (and maybe she tries to play matchmaker with Camilo and Isabela later because she wants her brother to be happy too?)

Ay you know? I'm in a isamilo mood today. I'm just thinking they'd be very cute. Because yeah he plays pretend and tries to act all cool but he's just a boy and he's pretty scared, not to mention particularly intimidated by Isabela (who wouldn't be?).

I think it would be a huge relief for him to know he has his sister on his side. Just knowing she won't judge him makes him feel a lot less alone and a lot less scared.

I love Camilo trying to break up the engagement because he's genuinely interested in Dolores getting her happy ending. God knows she deserves it. And if he happens to hear from Mirabel that Isabela doesn't even want to marry Mariano, then it's all the more reason to stop this madness, right? And not once does he dare to hope for Isabela to look at him, no, he just wants her and his sister to be happy. Also, Mirabel is talking his ear off about saving the miracle or something, so he supposes they have to do that too.

And I LOVE good big sister Dolores looking out for Camilo as well. Like, she must pity him a lot, because she can tell his love is genuine but it just seems so tragic. It fills her with sadness. And just thinking about Isabela's reaction - or Pepa's reaction or Abuela's reaction - is terrifying, so she knows she needs to protect her bro but at the same time... man Isabela has been giving weird replies whenever Dolores questions her about who she really loves, if it's not Mariano, and, look, Camilo has helped her so much and so selflessly. He could have been a fuckboi about it but he was so mature and kind and gentle, and if she can help him in any way, well, relationships between cousins aren't that unheard of.

Until then, she wants to be a safe haven and a shoulder to cry on.

#madrigalcest #isamilo #i love them ;-;#shipcest #thank you anon you are galaxy brain

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anfie-in-the-box · 2 years

Text

Each other's lifeline

Notes

Yay, the continuation of this!

It seems it won't let go. I love the concept of the parental voice too much, it's so inspiring and refreshing. And simply warm, to be honest. I really need warmth these days. Hope you'll find something for yourself, too.

Warning for a few swears here and there.

。。。

Coming around

The man's voice, worried and then chipper, pierces right through Nightmare's mind, which feels so very hurt, crippled almost, but somehow alive. "Kid? Do you hear me? Oh, oh, you do! Finally! Took you a while to regain consciousness; not that I blame you."

What's going on? How is Dream? Nightmare tries to ask, suddenly all too aware of the dire situation he's been in. Only there's no mouth to move. What?..

Before he starts panicking, the voice pushes their words first, "You're okay, it seems. As okay as possible, that is. And your little bro's not hurt, if that's what you'd like to ask. I made him flee."

How... How did they even manage that?.. But again, there is no way to ask. And yet, they seem to know, to maybe somehow read his mind.

"Oh, well. I sort of pretended to be you on the verge of losing control and asked him to find help. Figured asking to stay away would do no good; the kid's too much of a golden heart, and he'd get desperate to save you. So I urged him to do exactly that, go to the rescue, just the long way."

That's... definitely smart. There's an undeniable, indescribable wave of relief brought by the simple knowledge Dream is somewhat safe.

"It was hard though," they continue, honest to a fault. "I didn't manage to stop you from eating all the negative apples, and then it was almost impossible to resist the urge to get that last one. The negativity wanted it, wanted to be absolute, and to be frank, I wanted it as well. We were seething with power, and desired more of it, so hungry, so greedy it scared me. And there was another thing that I wanted more. I think I'd have gone mad with all that power anyway, so you kinda saved both of us, I guess."

They didn't stop him? Then how's Nightmare still alive?.. Can he really withstand that much negativity? Was he right?

"Partially. Maybe. No idea, but I think it also means a lot that you didn't bite that first apple out of despair or fear — you were being determined, brave, hopeful. That must have done it. Intention means lots, as I've come to learn."

They do not elaborate, and Nightmare chooses not to ask; at least not yet.

Besides, he has other matters to take care of. For example…

Where am I? What's going on? Nightmare thinks, hard and focused on transferring the thought to the voice; although now they do seem to be in his head… It's so weird. Not too bad, and not painful at all, not like before he lost consciousness, not even like now, but…

"Good question! Frankly, I'm not sure. Your mind? Kinda? You can't feel your body or see anything because it's the negativity and me who are sharing control at the moment, while you are… far from that. Take your time, alright? You need to be at your best to fight for control with such force as this negativity, believe me. I'll just take care of things until then. It's not perfect, but…"

Oh. That's why Nightmare can't use his mouth. That's also why the voice still hears him, they must share a mind as well. Why is it so dark though? Is it because of the negative energy? Must be…

Dreading the answer, Nightmare asks nonetheless, What happened after Dream escaped?

"I suppose I should have mentioned it sooner, but… The Tree is dead for good." Nightmare would gasp, but he can't, there is only so much he can feel, let alone do. And right now, he feels utterly lost. The Tree was his life, and he… he killed it. He's the cause. Yet, the voice continues, "I'm sorry. I cut the trunk myself; there's not much point in it anymore if the roots are desiccated, don't you think? I mean, you must have caught a glimpse of how withered it turned the moment everything went wrong. There was no hope for it, I didn't want you to have any. Sorry if that seems cruel, but I… really think it's for the best. Hope you understand."

On some level, Nightmare does. But it's too much to take in. He wonders, numbly, What was next? What are you doing now?

"Oof, good to know you don't hate me too much for this. Seriously though, it was already dead and I wanted it this way for so long, it's just too hard to pass up the opportunity. Especially with all that negative energy all around. I was so… satisfied, for a moment. More than ever, I think. I died because of your… mother, ahem; I died, and the revenge is oh so sweet. Sorry for not being sorry, kid."

Nightmare finds himself much more attached to this odd stranger than to his own Mother, to be honest. Is it wrong of him? She gave him life, but they were the one there for him when Nightmare almost lost it, when it mattered the most. And she didn't even shout at him as the villagers did. Did she… Did she die instantly? More quickly than the Tree? That mustn't be the case, Nightmare doesn't think so.

And damn, it hurts to think, even though it's the only thing Nightmare's even capable of for now. His mind really feels just… torn apart yet put back together by the force of sheer will. Was his hope truly enough to do that?..

There's also this vague, distant feeling of something liquid, cloggy. Also very, very dark (how one feels darkness, Nightmare's not sure, but it is what it is) and very, very heavy. It's everywhere.

"That's the negativity all around your broken body!" The voice chuckles. "As for what was next, well, that's much easier to tell. I killed all those sorry fuckers, mostly because I could but also because of all the shit they put you through. I hope you know you didn't deserve that, kid. And at the moment I'm just sitting there, enjoying the view, I guess? The world's succumbing to negativity… Who knew it could be so beautiful." They sigh, dreamily, almost wistfully. "Murder was a form of mercy, too, it seems. You can't even start imagining what negativity does to living beings; the only sight that is not so pretty here. I should try and show you the landscape one day, it's quite a sight! Not now though, we're both not ready. You are recovering, I'm honestly still a bit shocked you even made it, and I'm trying to adjust to unexpected freedom."

As they finish, Nightmare feels as light-headed as one without a head would be able to feel. It's… odd, to say the least. Dizziness without the sense of balance — or the body to be balanced, that is.

Surreal. Everything is so surreal.

"Tired already?" the voice does what feels like poking with intention instead of a finger. "All right, fair, I suppose even I would be, weren't I filled to the brim with power. And you're a kid, after all… What a crazy twist, to use a child as a means to an end…"

The latter feels muttered to themselves more than said to him, so Nightmare doesn't ask.

He falls asleep, or unconscious, or whatever his apparent state's equivalent is.

。。。

Notes

It must be illegal to love something this much.

The title of the work as a whole is inspired by Cold Water by Theory Of A Deadman. The song is perfect for these versions of Nightmare and the man's voice, I just can't. My sweet imperfectly perfect boys, always there for each other, as weird as it gets. Love them lots 💖

Hope you enjoyed as well! Thanks for reading, and take care 🌻

。。。

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#anfie writes #each other's lifeline #nightmare!sans #passive!nightmare #the man's voice #The poor kid is awake #Not for too long though #He needs to rest after all #Surviving something like this is no easy feat #Goodness I love these two so much #The voice is so bad with kids #He has no idea what he's doing or talking about #Can you see that? I hope you can #It's almost funny #Would be if the situation weren't so serious

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bangtanpromptsfics · 3 years

Text

pyxis.

dialogue prompt #9: “Cheer up it's Christmas Eve, sweetheart”

pairing: jimin x reader

genre: christmas au, brother's best friend au, fluff, childhood friends to lovers

word count: 3,412 (oh no)

warnings: reader is a lil sad but nothing angsty tho

summary: christmas was always an eager wait. less for the tree decorations, family dinner and the fuss of toddlers. more for your childhood best friend who you kissed under a mistletoe years back.

a/n: ahhh!!! I'm not completely satisfied with how this turned out to be. the inspiration was from a few christmas themed fics I read here and the movie ‘It's Christmas, Eve’. anyway this was my attempt though it's nowhere near christmas time. one of my personal goals is to celebrate a christmas like the west, the snow, the fuss and the commotion ;-;. Also I lost sense of time and space and this turned out to be 3k ;-;

masterlist

“Cheer up it's christmas eve, sweetheart”, your mother chimes as she pours brown batter into little cupcake moulds.

You simply smile at her, the festive mood not really getting to you because of exhaustion. Uni was tough, and enjoying this Christmas when you know you have tons of essays due in a few days was hammering inside your brain every now and then.

“Is that chocolate?”, you ask, leaning your tired body on the counter where she is at work.

“And orange”, she smiles, turning around to preheat the oven.

“Where's Jin”. Though you hated the routinely flicks against your forehead, the absence of your big brother felt weird.

“He went with Jimin to get the Christmas tree”.

The mention of Jimin brings a smile to your face. His soft features and captivating grin filling your head. If there was one of the few things you enjoyed coming back to your hometown for holidays, it's chocolate cupcakes your mom bakes and Jimin.

His family are friends with yours after all. You, Jin and Jimin attended the same school until college and other priorities in life drift you apart. Though the bond must have rusted a bit, you can't deny the fact that you still have that crush which started somewhere in middle school, on a chritmas eve like this when he kissed your cheeks shyly under the mistletoe. Your friends and family, and even Jimin himself must have seen it nothing more than platonic, but you still find yourself relieving the moment in your head however crazy it may sound.

Standing up straight, you decide to fix your bed hair and complete the skincare routine before the said duo drops.

“Mrs. Y/L/n...”, Jimin softly kicks the back door. He is carrying one end of a huge fir, and your brother on the other end, grunting from the freezing snow outside.

“Oh dear place it right there”, you mother is quick to her feet helping the boys and doing her usual commentary on how well the tree looked.

Jimin looks more handsome than ever, especially with his nose and cheeks dusted in scarlet from the cold. He looks really huggable in his fluffy sweaters and red beanie. Jin is busy commanding around so you choose to sit back, a very typical sibling energy and the size of decoration boxes and the tree itself not really appetizing to your will to find any strength.

“Hey Y/n!”, Jimin stares back at your eyes in a split moment which has your lashes fluttering suddenly. You probably look like you are carrying a disease and right now you become very hyper aware of that.

“You alright? You look tired”, he comments. You feel his eyes carefully studying the black under your eyes and worrying his mind because that's what he is like. He cares about everyone and everything, has a heart so soft it hurts to even think about it.

“Jet lag...”, you say, “I'll be fine”. You shoot a little thumbs up on his way to reassure.

“Why didn't Jin get the tree earlier? It's Christmas in a few hours”, you dodge the focus around you and walk near in an attempt to closely examine the tree for no reason other than feeling Jimin’s eyes a little too long on you.

Your brother gets visibly annoyed seeing you start a very unnecessary talk. So he is completely obliged to shoot back with, “Because you were in charge of Christmas decorations this year but your lazy ass flew down here only yesterday”.

“You know I was busy with Uni!”

“Whatever”, he shrugs, getting back to the box of tree decorations. You feel a little bad seeing yourself not being helpful during a festive season. It felt like you were procrastinating on your responsibilities as always.

“Um...is there any way I can help?”, you ask softly, earning a mischievous grin from Jin and your mom fills in the answer.

“We need more baubles. Also I missed out gifts for Aerum and June, so maybe you can get them”. Now this was already tiring and you were not lying earlier either, the jet lag was still choking you alive. You wonder if the huge pile of stars and glitters beside your foot aren't enough but then maybe it's true because this is the largest fir you ever saw for Christmas in your house. And speaking of the five year old notorious duo, your cousins-- Aerum and June, you have no other option than to step out into the butt numbing cold and get something for the sake of not getting your brains eaten.

While you stand there doing these calculations, Jimin puts a two and two and immediately suggests to tag along with you.

“That'd be great! Thanks sweetie”, your mom chimes, her fine lines of face gathering around her eyes while she does so and you catch her throwing a wink to your side and you pretend you never saw that.

“Thank you Jimin”, you smile in all honesty while he reciprocates the same.

“No problem. I'll get my car. Will you be ready in an hour? I think you just woke up”

“Uh...yeah”, you fake a laugh, “Yes I'll be ready in an hour”

Jimin still lives here in your hometown, attends a community college nearby and his house is just a few steps away from your own. You remember how you had the same analogy in your mind as well. You like living here. You like Jimin’s company. The lake Park and the annual ice skating competition in December and the bookstores and coffee shops at the outskirts of the town. And you can't seem to clearly remember when and where that feeling started to become foreign. Maybe it was a teenage quirk to explore the world that you are now a three hour flight away from all of this. It wasn't a deep regret, but seeing Jimin, it almost felt like it. It felt like you betrayed him. Because he seemed to be keeping his word to this day.

This year, it's a few degrees lower than what it usually is and you find yourself chattering your teeth together as you walk to Jimin’s house.

His footsteps rush to get the door as soon as you ring the doorbell and he greets with the same wide grin as if he hasn't just saw you an hour ago.

“Let's go?”, he asks immediately, getting house keys from his coat pocket and locking the front door before stepping out making you confused.

“There's no one home? Where are your parents?”

“Oh well didn't Mrs. Y/L/n tell you?”, he studies your features and gets his response so he continues “They went to New York this year for Christmas. It's some elder people thing I think...so I'll be spending Christmas this year with your family”

“Really!?”, you chime, and then immediately notice a very childish jump you did with tiny fists and all, feeling a little embarrassed at yourself, “Ah... uh I mean that's great”.

“Yeah”, he giggles, sounding like a twelve year old who is still waiting for his growth spurt, “Get in the car it's freezing in here”.

Since it's been six odd months you've spoken to Jimin, you figured it would would be strange and awkward to be with him, but his demeanor states otherwise. He could effortlessly begin conversations and build momentum with you and by the time you are at a thrift store, he is aware of the little gist of student life and the dramatically exaggerated history research paper still due.

“What are you getting for the twins?”, he asks, seeing you checking out the kids toys section with absolutely no idea and that's exactly what you reply to him.

“How about this puzzle?”, he brings a big jigsaw to your glance and you figure it's a great thing to have their little brains engaged and give yourself time to breathe.

“It's perfect!”, you add, immediately placing it your cart with a few decors you picked up from earlier aisles.

Jimin places an extra pack of Christmas candies in the cart, and you send him a questionable look knowing it's his way of bribing the kids coming this evening. He puts too much effort into people's happiness, something you wish you were capable of as well.

The shopping went smooth. It was therapeutic to get hot chocolate with extra marshmallows afterwards like he insisted followed by that very cliche movie scene where one of them develops a creme moustache and the other notices and dabs it off.

You want this moment to linger a little longer, but your whole family arrives in less than two hours and the decorations were due. If Jin doesn't have you in the next thirty minutes he might as well eat all the cupcakes your mom is baking as revenge.

“I had a great time”, Jimin states as he stops the car in front of your house, stealing the words from your mouth and warmth hugs your cheeks immediately.

“Me too. It's been long since we spent time with each other”

You hear a lone sigh with white fogs coming out of his plump lips while he does so, as if he were suddenly sad when you mentioned that.

“Are you okay?”

His grips tightens around the steering, “I've missed you”, he says, eyes meeting slowly. And as if he was suddenly pulled back to earth he conjures another sentence to not sound so vulnerable.

“I uh... It's just--”

“I've missed you too”

Even with the gear box painstakingly blocking the way, you throw your upper half towards his body anyways and you find him hugging you back. His hugs still feel the same from years back; safe and warm and filled with love.

If it wasn't for the constant reminder that your brother is probably plotting a murder against you, you would've stayed much longer in his embrace. Maybe the hug was a big straightforward for a bond still gradually blooming, but it didn't feel weird at all and when you pull back he is smiling down at you.

“I thought you two lovebirds flew off”, a very annoyed Jin states from above you. He is balancing himself on a chair to attach the mistletoe to the ceiling.

“Sorry hyung”, Jimin says. And somehow now you are getting super aware of the way your family is low key shipping you both. Not that it's an irritating thing of course though you seem to act like it. But you have no idea what's going on with Jimin, what if he said he missed you as your childhood friend? It's a lot difficult to segregate his priority of giving affection. He seems to be giving justice in terms of care for every living being he knows.

“The circus is on its way so I hope you both hurry with putting up everything together”, the voice above states, now lowering himself to ground after putting up the twig.

Three of you giggle at the mention of your family as a circus. Well in a way it definitely was. You have a bunch if uncles who crack awful jokes, a trait Jin himself as picked up from a tender age of ten. Then their wives and kids who share certainly the same braincells in comprehending things. You bet they'll ask you again about your major and your dating history once they walk in through that door amidst clearly stating everytime that you are a history major and yes still very single.

In the hallway there is a half decorated tree. A thread of fairly lights wrapped around the green and very few baubles hanging here and there.

“I'll put up the star and join you”, Jimin says, digging out a golden star from the carton. Though now he doesn't know why it was a good idea for him to announce that when both of you were almost the same height. He is just a few centimeters taller than you and the top of the fir is still very much way above your heads.

So with a chuckle you both figure Jin has to do it.

“This is your final year right?”, Jimin asks stepping closer to you. He seemed nervous about something. Or was it anxious?

“Yeah...you?”

“Yeah...”, his sweet tone was drawn almost like a whisper and you sense you should ask him further about what's wrong. But before you had to deal with a starter he continues,

“Are you planning to work in Chicago as well?”

“Sweetheart help me clean up the kitchen please”, your hear your mom's voice overpowering through the house. Which is good. Because you don't know what you are supposed to answer. It was as if he was almost hopeful that you'll choose your hometown all over again. But you aren't sure. So you take the opportunity to step away from the situation excusing yourself.

And while you are clearing the blobs of batter stuck on the counter, your mind is a haywire. What are you going to do? Though you know your whole family wants you to stay, it's still a foggy place to be in. Four years apart in another city as a college student has not provided much, except caffeine addiction and sleepless nights. Things were not even as fun as everyone told you.

A few steps away Jimin silently prays that you stay, because he had truly missed you. Even though you have outgrown from the eighteen year old shell as he had known, he finds himself actively choosing to be with you. Even when other things in life occupies his mind, there's an element of it which goes back to you.

“They are here!”. You groan silently, while your parents are throwing their hands in air, giggles and chatter fills in as your uncles and aunts and the taunting toddlers welcome themselves in.

“Y/n! You have grown so much!”, the older aunt comments, and you supply a manufactured smile to tag along. Other comments follow by soon, about how tired you are, gasps about not having a partner and future plans, all of which are not completely answerable at the moment but you manage to get through them all and finally excusing yourself back to the garage convincing there are more decor supplies in there.

Families are nice. They make festivals brighter and lives less lonely. But yours was just hard sometimes. Not that you completely loathed the people now fueling themselves off the cup cakes your mom bakes, you were just merely lost, still yet to come up with an answer to what your stance is after graduation.

“Hey...”. Jimin has joined you now which you notice feeling a warmth against your shoulder when he sits, with an extra scraf knowing the garage is still comparatively chilly than the house, “you okay?”.

“Yeah...I was just...thinking”

“Is this about earlier? I'm sorry if I made you anxious”, he quickly adds.

“No!...I mean yeah but, it's high time I find a ground with this. What are your plans?”

“I was thinking about teaching at Jefferson High”, he shifts rather uncomfortably. He is talking of the school in your town, your school, where you have lots of memories with Jimin, “You know...like we said during Junior year in high school?”

“I'm sorry Jimin”, you feel the guilt inside you growing, “I never kept my promises”.

“Hey...that's okay! Everyone changes. I just want you to be happy. I...I hope you are happy Y/n”, he reassures, taking your hand from your side and squeezing it between his soft palms.

“I don't know about that either...”

As much as you hated showcasing vulnerability to another person, you know Jimin is an exception. You had cried to him about everything during school days and he had never invalidated a single thing, even when you were visibly dramatic over a downpour during a family picnic when you were five.

Jimin is frozen on his seat as if he can't find the words. He was never good with words so instead he hugs you, a little longer than the last time till he is sure you have calmed down. Grateful for not ending up crying, you smile up at him and remind yourselves to get back inside to avoid suspicion, especially from the kids who take humiliating people as an important milestone to achieve.

When you enter back inside and get immediately surrounded by a million questions and chores thrown at you, you find your answer. Maybe your heart belongs back to everything your younger self had blabbered about. Not to mention, this fairly good reunion with your crush feels nice, though, he might still see it as platonic. Maybe he makes things less daunting.

By the way Jimin was owning everyone's heart in the house, it felt like he was family. Well in a way he is. But to put more clarity, he bought things together and his actions bought so much peace and love within everyone. Even the notorious twins listen carefully to him and help the uncles and aunts in the kitchen.

He is again by your side, two cupcakes rests on his palms and you take it with a silent ‘thanks’.

Seeing no signs of him beginning a talk now, you think of coming up with something. Maybe a memoir from today? Or about how absolutely handsome he looks right now? Wait.

“They are under the kissing twig!”, Aerum screams like the house caught in fire, her sibling joining by the side to provoke the habit even more.

“It's called a mistletoe Aerum”, your aunt corrects before pasting a smug across her lips.

Nothing changed. They are the same people. Hyping you and Jimin to kiss just like when you were thirteen. If the factor of time is removed, this is the exact night. Both of you cemented to the flooring as if you forgot to exist.

Both of your necks snap together to the mistletoe Jin had attached to the ceiling earlier. And when you lower your gaze back, face gawks at each other eye to eye. It's the same. He has that blush, the shyness from years ago. It's going to be platonic. Yet again. And this moment will only ever be romantic and flowery in your head.

June was the first to squeak, and Aerum shuts her eyes the moment Jimin is leaning his mouth towards your lips. It was difficult to relax under the stares of many, but when he ghosts his mouth over your again and leans in for a second kiss, you are fixated on him. Hands holding each other, the plump of his lips so soft it felt like you were biting into a fluff of cloud.

Maybe he'll have an explanation to your family for this. Not like anyone in the audience was disappointed. Your mother was almost in tears? And Jin looked hardly surprised with any of this. As if it was all swell according to his plans.

“You both are so cute”, one of the aunts awes and your mother is quick by her side, completely agreeing to it.

“Jimin...”, you return your gaze to the equally flustered man who just kissed you and he sounded almost breathless,

“I'm sorry if this was wrong it ju--”

“I like you”, you immediately snap in and his face is a void for an instant. Fully processing the words, his eyes disappear when he grins, “I like you too...a lot”.

“Are you two dating?”, the twins haven't dropped the case yet, running to your feet to help their curious brains.

“Yes...”, Jimin responds, looking up at you for a reassurance, which you quickly supply with a nod, “Yes we are dating”.

When the kids are satisfied they go away snickering to themselves.

“I decided to stay”, you say.

“Really!?”, his disbelief was comical, yet wholesome considering how much he wished for this, “I'm...I'm so happy!”.

Giggling at him, this time you lean forward and peck the corner of his lips.

“You lovebirds better get a room”, Jin announces and thankfully not loud enough to catch everyone else's attention.

Usually Jin expects a punch to his arms from his sister, but he sees how grateful you are for his mistletoe decor. He leaves the couple, satisfied that there won't be any more ranting about how much Jimin likes you.

Thank you so much for reading!! ♡♡

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sk1fanfiction · 3 years

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the many faces of tom riddle, part 4

-attachment, orphanages, and yet more child psych: time to add yet another voice to the void-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

I'm going to be super biased, because my favorite portrayal of Tom Riddle is actually Hero Fiennes-Tiffin as eleven-year-old Tom Riddle, in HBP and I get to chat about child psych in this one, sooo here we go.

First of all, I’m just so impressed that a kid could bring that much depth to such a complex character.

This is the portrayal, I feel, that brings us closest to Tom’s character. Yes, Coulson’s brought us pretty close, but by fifth year, the mask was on.

We don't really get to see Tom looking afraid very often, but it's fear that rules his life, so it's really poignant in our first (chronologically) introduction, he looks absolutely terrified.

The void being the fandom's loud opinions on a certain headmaster. I wouldn't call myself pro-Dumbledore, but I'm certainly not anti-Dumbledore, either. (Agnostic-Dumbledore??)

Since I'm not of the anti-Dumbledore persuasion, I decided to poke around in the tags and see what the arguments were, so I don't make comments out of ignorance.

Most of the tag seems to be more directed towards his treatment of Harry and Sirius, but a few people mentioned that Dumbledore should have treated Tom with ‘exceptional kindness’ and tried to ‘rehabilitate’ him.

As I said in Parts 2 and 3, I am 100% in favor of helping a traumatized kid learn to cope, and I don’t think Tom Riddle was solidly on the Path to Evil (TM) at birth, or even at eleven. Not even at fifteen.

Could unconditional love and kindness have helped Tom Riddle enough for the rise of Lord Voldemort to never happen? Possibly, but...

Yes, I'm about to drag up that Carl Jung quote, again.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

The problem with this is that if you’re going to blame Dumbledore for this, you also have to blame every other adult in Tom’s life: his headmaster, Dippet, his Head of House, Slughorn, his ‘caretakers’ at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole and Martha, and possibly more. In fact, if we're going to blame any adult, let's blame Merope for r*ping and abusing Tom Riddle Senior, and having a kid she wasn't intending to take care of.

Furthermore, you cannot possibly hold anyone but Tom accountable for the murders he committed. (I should not have to sit here and explain why cold-blooded murder is wrong.) And if you like Tom Riddle's character, insinuating that his actions are completely at the whim of others is just a bit condescending towards him. He's not an automaton or a marionette, he's a very intelligent human being with a functioning brain, and at sixteen is fully capable of moral reasoning and critical analysis.

I've heard the theories about Dumbledore setting the Potters up to die, and I'm not going to discuss their validity right now; but he didn't put a wand in Tom's hand and force him to kill anyone. Tom did it all of his own accord.

And while yes, I have enormous sympathy for what happened to Tom as a child, at some point, he decided to murder Myrtle Warren, and that is where I lose my sympathy. Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to inflict harm on others. Yes, Tom was failed, but then, he spectacularly failed himself.

We also have no idea how Dumbledore treated Tom as a student.

In the movies, it’s Dumbledore who tells Tom he has to go back to the orphanage, but in the books, it’s Dippet. We know that Slughorn spent a lot of time around Tom at Slug Club and such, yet I don’t really see people clamoring for his head.

I regard the sentiment that Dumbledore turned Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort with a lot of skepticism.

But let's hear from the character himself -- his impression of eleven-year-old Tom Riddle.

“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is. However, I was certainly intrigued by him. I returned to Hogwarts intending to keep an eye upon him, something I should have done in any case, given that he was alone and friendless, but which, already, I felt I ought to do for others’ sake as much as his."

Now, assuming that Dumbledore's telling the truth, I'm not seeing something glaringly wrong with this. No, he hasn't pigeonholed Tom as evil, yes, I'd be intrigued, too, and it's a very good idea to keep an eye on Tom, for his own sake.

“At Hogwarts,” Dumbledore went on, “we teach you not only to use magic, but to control it. You have — inadvertently, I am sure — been using your powers in a way that is neither taught nor tolerated at our school."

Again, it seems like he's at least somewhat sympathetic towards Tom, and is willing to at least give him a chance.

More evidence (again, assuming Dumbledore is a reliable narrator):

Harry: “Didn’t you tell them [the other professors], sir, what he’d been like when you met him at the orphanage?” Dumbledore: “No, I did not. Though he had shown no hint of remorse, it was possible that he felt sorry for how he had behaved before and was resolved to turn over a fresh leaf. I chose to give him that chance.”

Now, I think Dumbledore is pretty awful with kids, but I don't think that's malicious. Yeah, it's a flaw, but perfect people don't exist, and perfect characters are dead boring. I am not saying that he definitely handled Tom's case well, I'm just saying that there's little evidence that Dumbledore, however shaken and scandalized, wrote him off as 'evil snake boy.'

It's also worth taking into account that it's 1938, and the attitudes towards mental health back then.

Why is Tom looking at Dumbledore like that, anyway? Why is he so scared? What has he possibly been threatened with or heard whispers of?

"'Professor'?" repeated Riddle. He looked wary. "Is that like 'doctor'? What are you here for? Did she get you in to have a look at me?"

"I don't believe you," said Riddle. "She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Tell the truth!"

"You can't kid me! The asylum, that's where you're from, isn't it? 'Professor,' yes, of course -- well, I'm not going, see? That old cat's the one who should be in the asylum. I never did anything to little Amy Benson or Dennis Bishop, and you can ask them, they'll tell you!

Tom keeps insisting he's not mad until Dumbledore finally manages to calm him down.

I'm really upset this wasn't in the movie, because it's important context. Instead we got these throwaway cutscenes of some knick-knacks relating to the Cave he's got lying around, but I just would have preferred to see him freaking out like he does in the book.

There was extreme stigma and prejudice towards mental illness.

'Lunatic asylums,' as they were called in Tom's time, were terrible places. In the 1930s and 40s, he could look forward to being 'treated' with induced convulsions, via metrazol, insulin, electroshock, and malaria injections. And if he stuck around long enough, he could even look forward to a lobotomy!

So, if you think Dumbledore was judgmental towards Tom, imagine how flat-out prejudiced whatever doctors or 'experts' Mrs. Cole might have gotten in to 'look at him' must have been!

Moving on to the next few shots, he is sitting down and hunched over as if expecting punishment or at least some kind of bad news, Dumbledore is mostly out of the frame. He’s trapped visually, by Dumbledore on one side, and a wall on the other, because he’s still very much afraid. uncomfortable, as he tells Dumbledore a secret that he fears could get him committed to an asylum (which were fucking horrible places, as I said).

It brings to the scene that miserable sense of isolation and loneliness to that has defined Tom’s entire life up to that point (and, partially due to his own bad choices, continues to define it).

And, when Dumbledore accepts it, his posture changes. he becomes more confident and more at ease, as he describes the... utilities of his magical abilities.

"All sorts," breathed Riddle. A flush of excitement was rising up his neck into his hollow cheeks; he looked fevered. "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want them to do, without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who annoy me. I can make them hurt if I want to."

Riddle lifted his head. His face was transfigured: There was a wild happiness upon it, yet for some reason it did not make him better looking; on the contrary, his finely carved features seemed somehow rougher, his expression almost bestial.

I do think Harry, our narrator, is being a tad bit judgmental here. Magic is probably the only thing that brings Tom happiness in his grey, lonely world, and when I was Tom's age and being bullied, if I had magic powers, you'd better believe that I'd (a) be bloody ecstatic about it (b) use them. And, like Tom, I can't honestly say that I can't imagine getting a bit carried-away with it. Unfortunately, we can't all be as inherently good and kindhearted as Harry.

Reading HBP again, as a 'mature' person, it almost seems like the reader is being prompted to see Tom as evil just because he's got 'weird' facial expressions.

So... uh...

Nope, let's judge Tom on his actions, not looks of 'wild happiness.'

To his great surprise, however, Dumbledore drew his wand from an inside pocket of his suit jacket, pointed it at the shabby wardrobe in the corner, and gave the wand a casual flick. The wardrobe burst into flames. Riddle jumped to his feet; Harry could hardly blame him for howling in shock and rage; all his worldly possessions must be in there. But even as Riddle rounded on Dumbledore, the flames vanished, leaving the wardrobe completely undamaged.

Okay, one thing I dislike is Tom's lack of emotional affect when Dumbledore burned the wardrobe, in the books, he jumped up and started screaming, instead of looking passively (in shock, perhaps?) at the fire. Incidentally, I can't really tell if he's impressed or in shock, to be honest. I think they really tried to make Tom 'creepier' in the movie.

This is one of the incidents where Dumbledore's inability to deal with children crops up.

I think he was trying to teach Tom that magic can be dangerous, and he wouldn't like it to be used against him, but burning the wardrobe that contains everything he owns was a terrible move on Dumbledore's part. Tom already has very limited trust in other people, and now, he's not going to trust Dumbledore at all -- now, he's put Tom on the defensive/offensive for the rest of their interaction, and perhaps for the rest of their teacher-student relationship.

Riddle stared from the wardrobe to Dumbledore; then, his expression greedy, he pointed at the wand. "Where can I get one of them?"

"Where do you buy spellbooks?" interrupted Riddle, who had taken the heavy money bag without thanking Dumbledore, and was now examining a fat gold Galleon.

But I'm not surprised Tom is 'greedy.' He's grown up in an environment where if he wants something, whether that's affection, food, money, toys, he's got to take it. There's no one looking after his needs specifically. I'm not surprised that he's a thief and a hoarder, and I don't think that counts as a moral failing necessarily, and more of a maladaptive way of seeking comfort. It would be bizarre if he came out of Wool's Orphanage a complete saint.

Additionally, I think given that the Gaunt family has a history of 'mental instability,' Tom is a sensitive child, and the trauma of growing up institutionalized and possibly being treated badly due to his magical abilities or personality disorder deeply affected him.

And there are points where it seems that Dumbledore is quick to judge Tom.

"He was already using magic against other people, to frighten, to punish, to control."

"Yes, indeed; a rare ability, and one supposedly connected with the Dark Arts, although as we know, there are Parselmouths among the great and the good too. In fact, his ability to speak to serpents did not make me nearly as uneasy as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination."

"I trust that you also noticed that Tom Riddle was already highly self-sufficient, secretive, and, apparently, friendless?..."

And while this is all empirically true, these are (a) a product of Tom's harsh environment, and (b) do not necessarily make him evil. But the point remains that child psych didn't exist as a field of its own, and psychology as a proper science was in its infancy, so I'd be shocked if Dumbledore was insightful about Tom's situation.

But I've gone a ton of paragraphs without citing anything, so I've got to rectify that.

Let's talk about Harry Harlow's monkey experiments in the 1950-70s.

If you're not a fan of animal research, since I know some people are uncomfortable with it, feel free to scroll past.

Here's the TL;DR: Children need to be hugged and shown affection too, not just fed and clothed, please don't leave babies to 'cry out' and ignore their needs because it's backwards and fucking inhumane. HUG AND COMFORT AND CODDLE CHILDREN AND SPOIL THEM WITH AFFECTION!

I will put more red writing when the section is over.

This is still an interesting experiment to have in mind while we explore the whole 'no one taught Tom Riddle how to love' thing and whether or not it's actually a good argument.

Andddd let's go all the way back to the initial 1958 experiment, featured in Harlow's paper, the Nature of Love. (If you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, him and Harlow actually collaborated for a time).

To give you an idea of our starting point, until Harlow's experiment, which happened twenty years after Dumbledore meets Tom for the first time, no one in science had really been interested in studying love and affection.

"Psychologists, at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and development of love or affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence."

I'm going to link some videos of Harry Harlow showing the actual experiment, which animal rights activists would probably consider 'horrifying.' It's nothing gory or anything, but if you are particularly soft-hearted (and I do not mean that as an insult), be warned. It's mostly just baby monkeys being very upset and Harlow discussing it in a callous manner. Yes, today it would be considered unethical, but it's still incredibly important work and if you think you can handle it, I would recommend watching at least the first one to get an idea of how dramatic this effect is.

Dependency when frightened

The full experiment

The TL;DW:

This experiment was conducted with rhesus macaques; they're still used in psychology/neuroscience research when you want very human-like subjects, because they are very intelligent (unnervingly so, actually). I'd say that adult ones remind me of a three-year old child.

Harlow separated newborn monkeys from their mothers, and cared for their physical needs. They had ample nutrition, bedding, warmth, et cetera. However, the researchers noticed that the monkeys:

(a) were absolutely miserable. And not just that, but although all their physical needs were taken care of, they weren't surviving well past the first few days of life. (This has also been documented in human babies, and it's called failure to thrive and I'll talk about it a bit later).

(b) showed a strong attachment to the gauze pads used to cover the floor, and decided to investigate.

So, they decided to provide a surrogate 'mother.' Two, actually. Mother #1 was basically a heated fuzzy doll that was nice for the monkeys to cuddle with. Mother #2 was the same, but not fuzzy and made of wire. Both provided milk. The result? The monkeys spent all their time cuddling and feeding from the fuzzy 'mother.' Perhaps not surprising.

What Harlow decided next, is that one of the hallmarks being attached to your caregiver is seeking hugs and reassurance from them when frightened. So, when the monkeys were presented with something scary, they'd go straight to the cloth mother and ignore the wire one. Not only that, but when placed in an unfamiliar environment, if the cloth mother was present, the monkeys would be much calmer.

In a follow-up experiment, Harlow decided to see if there was some sort of sensitive period by introducing both 'mothers' to monkeys who had been raised in isolation for 250 days. Guess what?

The initial reaction of the monkeys to the alterations was one of extreme disturbance. All the infants screamed violently and made repeated attempts to escape the cage whenever the door was opened. They kept a maximum distance from the mother surrogates and exhibited a considerable amount of rocking and crouching behavior, indicative of emotionality.

Yikes. So, at first Harlow thought that they'd passed some kind of sensitive period for socialization. But after a day or two they calmed down and started chilling out with the cloth mother like the other monkeys did. But here's a weird thing:

That the control monkeys develop affection or love for the cloth mother when she is introduced into the cage at 250 days of age cannot be questioned. There is every reason to believe, however, that this interval of delay depresses the intensity of the affectional response below that of the infant monkeys that were surrogate-mothered from birth onward

All these things... attachment, affection, love, seeking comfort ... are mostly learned behaviours.

Over.

Orphanages, institutionalized childcare, and why affection is a need, not an extra.

His face is lit the exact same was as Coulson’s was in COS (half-light, half-dark), and I said I was going to talk about this in Part 3. I think perhaps it's intended to make Fiennes-Tiffin look more evil or menacing, but I'm going to quite deliberately misinterpret it.

Now, for some context, Dumbledore has just (kind of) burned his wardrobe, ratted out his stealing habit, and (in the books only, they really took a pair of scissors to this scene) told him he needs to go apologize and return everything and Dumbledore will know if he doesn't, and, well, Tom's not exactly a happy bugger about it.

But interestingly, in the books, this is when we start to see Tom's 'persona,' aka his mask, start to come into play. Whereas before, he was screaming, howling, and generally freaking out, here, he starts to hide his emotions -- in essence, obscure his true self under a shadow. So this scene is really the reverse of Coulson's in COS.

And perhaps I'm reading wayyy too much into this, but I can't help but notice that Coulson's hair is parted opposite to Fiennes-Tiffin's, and the opposite sides of their faces are shadowed, too.

Riddle threw Dumbledore a long, clear, calculating look. "Yes, I suppose so, sir," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.

Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, "Yes, sir."

Here's an article from The Atlantic on Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, when the dictator, Ceausescu, basically forced people to have as many children as possible and funnel them into institutionalized 'childcare', and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

There's not a whole lot of information out there on British orphanages in the 30s' and 40s', but given that people back then thought you just had to keep children on a strict schedule and feed them, it wouldn't have a whole lot better.

The only thing I've found is this, and it's not super promising.

The most important study informing the criteria for contemporary nosologies, was a study by Barbara Tizard and her colleagues of young children being raised in residential nurseries in London (Tizard, 1977). These nurseries had lower child to caregiver ratios than many previous studies of institutionalized children. Also, the children were raised in mixed aged groups and had adequate books and toys available. Nevertheless, caregivers were explicitly discouraged from forming attachments to the children in their care.

Here's a fairly recent paper that I think gives a good summary: Link

Here, they describe the responses to the Strange Situation test (which tests a child's attachment to their caregiver).

We found that 100% of the community sample received a score of “5,” indicating fully formed attachments, whereas only 3% of the infants living in institutions demonstrated fully formed attachments. The remaining 97% showed absent, incomplete, or odd and abnormal attachment behaviors.

Bowlby and Ainsworth, who did the initial study, thought that children would always attach to their caregivers, regardless of neglect or abuse. But some infants don't attach (discussed along with RAD in Part 2).

Here's a really good review paper on attachment disorders in currently or formerly institutionalized children : Link

Core features of RAD in young children include the absence of focused attachment behaviors directed towards a preferred caregiver, failure to seek and respond to comforting when distressed, reduced social and emotional reciprocity, and disturbances of emotion regulation, including reduced positive affect and unexplained fearfulness or irritability.

Which all sounds a lot like Tom in this scene. The paper also discusses neurological effects, like atypical EEG power distribution (aka brain waves), which can correlate with 'indiscriminate' behavior and poor inhibitory control; which makes sense for a kid who, oh, I don't know, hung another kid's rabbit because they were angry.

Furthermore...

...those children with more prolonged institutional rearing showed reduced amygdala discrimination and more indiscriminate behavior.

This again, makes a ton of sense for Tom's psychological profile, because the amygdala (which is part of the limbic system, which regulates emotions) plays a major role in fear, anger, anxiety, and aggression, especially with respect to learning, motivation and memory.

So, I agree completely that Tom needed a lot of help, especially given the fact that he spent eleven years in an orphanage (longer than the Bucharest study I was referring to), and Dumbledore wasn't exactly understanding of his situation, and probably didn't realise what a dramatic effect the orphanage had on Tom, and given the way he talks to Tom, probably treated him as if he were a kid who grew up in a healthy environment.

In case you are still unconvinced that hugging is that important, there's a famous 1944 study conducted on 40 newborn human infants to see what would happen if their physical needs (fed, bathed, diapers changed) were provided for with no affection. The study had to be stopped because half the babies died after four months. Affection leads to the production of hormones and boosts the immune system, which increases survival, and that is why we hug children and babies should not be in orphanages. They are supposed to be hugged, all the time. I can't find the citation right now, I'll add it later if I find it.

But I think it's vastly unrealistic to say that Dumbledore, who grew up during the Victorian Era, would have any grasp of this and I don't think he was actively malicious towards Tom.

Was Tom Riddle failed by institutional childcare? Absolutely.

Were the adults in his life oblivious to his situation? Probably.

Do the shitty things that happened to Tom excuse the murders he committed, and are they anyone's fault but his own? No. At the end of the day, Tom made all the wrong choices.

And, for what it's worth, I think (film) Dumbledore (although he expresses the same sentiment in more words in the books) wishes he could go back in time and have helped Tom.

"Draco. Years ago, I knew a boy, who made all the wrong choices. Please, let me help you."

#tom riddle #the many faces of #tom marvolo riddle #character analysis #character study #albus dumbledore

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touyasdoll · 3 years

Text

Complicated - Chapter Two

Chapter One: Here

Pairing: Dabi/Touya Todoroki x reader

Warnings: self-degradation/self-doubt

Word count: 2.2k

A/n: Gonna rework this and ditch the first person POV, jsyk.

A/n pt. 2: This story does contain spoilers for the show/manga. The dates/ages of characters are going to be shifted around a bit.

------------------

It's been two days. Is he gonna call? Text? Completely forget I exist?

I sigh, trying to expel the anxiety balled up in the pit of my stomach.

Why would he call? We talked for, what, five minutes? He seemed older too. You were in your damn school uniform, idiot. He's obviously got more important shit to do than chat up a schoolgirl who can't mind her own fucking business.

"Ugh," I groan to no one but myself in my apartment. "I'm really just the biggest fucking jackass, aren't I?"

Flopping down on my bed, I let out another weighty sigh and bury my face in the plethora of pillows piled beneath me.

Relax. Maybe he'll text. Maybe he won't. And if he doesn't he's just sparing you the embarrassment that you would inevitably bring upon yourself.

A yawn escapes my lips as I feel a wave of drowsiness wash over me. Glancing at the clock, I could see it was hardly 5 PM.

Fucked up sleep schedule, here I come.

The familiar comfort of my bed allows me to quiet my thoughts enough to fall into a shallow sleep, until I'm startled awake by a vibrating sensation coming from underneath my chin.

I blink against the harsh light emitting from my phone, squinting to see who was disturbing me.

What the--oh shit!

It was an unknown number. Recognizing that it could be him, I sit up faster than I have ever managed to after a nap and fumble the phone into my palm, eagerly sliding my thumb across the screen to accept the call.

"Hello?"

My breath hitches and I bite my lip in anticipation as I wait, eager to hear his deep, silky voice on the other end.

But the pause on the other side of the line seems just a little too long. Something is off.

Is this him? Is it..just some creep? A prank? What the hell?

"We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty."

My eyes slam shut, a shake reverberating through my spine as a cocktail of anger and embarrassment wash over me.

That's it. Hope is off limits from now on.

"Fucking great."

I tap the end button, half ready to throw my phone out the window.

Instead, I decide to check and see if I missed anything else while I was out.

Hope is off limits.

I shake my head, trying to erase the little embers of hope that persist, praying that maybe he did reach out.

To my surprise, there's a text from an unrecognized number.

Unknown: You free tonight, doll?

Holy shit.

Looking above the message, I see: Today 6:58 PM. I wince as I dare to look at the clock, which mercifully reads 7:26 PM.

Tapping the text box, I don't give myself the chance to overthink this opportunity.

Me: For you? Sure thing.

Tossing my phone onto the bed, I nod my head, processing the sudden burst of confidence I seem to have found.

I'm not like this. What is it about this guy? He's just that--a guy. One that I don't know. And now I'm just gonna meet up with him?

He's literally a stranger. Who the hell do I think I am?? Is my vagina just running things now? Gonna run out and meet up with some strange dude, because he's pretty and charming?

You know who else was pretty and charming?? Ted Bundy.

That's right, you said it. This is dumb, logically. This is everything everyone’s ever warned you about.

My phone buzzes and my heart rate spikes in response, tearing me from my spiraling doubts.

Unknown: Our spot. 30 minutes. See you there.

A noise that I've certainly never made before eeks past my lips as I process his instructions.

Fuck it. The possibility of this guy being a serial killer has been assessed. I'm going, risks be damned.

You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot.

I sigh for the umpteenth time today, waging war in my own mind.

I don't know what it is about him, but I have to see him again. Nothing bad is going to happen. It'll be fine.

That's what I tell myself as I exhale, until I catch my reflection.

My hair is disheveled, my mascara askew. I didn't even bother to take off my uniform before I passed out.

As if I weren't flustered enough, now I gotta make myself looking somewhere near presentable and get down there in time.

Here goes nothing.

Fifteen minutes fly by and I think I've managed it as I step back to look myself over in the mirror once more.

The shortest pair of high-waisted shorts I own, paired with a low-cut black crop top and my favorite slip-ons. My make-up doesn't look perfect and there's not much of it, but it's touched up, and my hair is at least brushed.

Okay, no turning back now.

Grabbing my keys, I tuck my phone in my back pocket and make my way to the meeting place.

+++++++++++++++

Our spot. The man is smooth and I think that he knows it.

I re-read the last message he sent for probably the thirteenth time in the past five minutes.

The clock in the corner of the screen reads 8:02.

Maybe he won’t show. Maybe this is a joke. He and his buddies with come around a corner and laugh as they speed off.

Damn, can I chill? No. He’s going to be here. And I’m going to act like a human fucking being. A normal girl. Someone he could like; I’m capable of that.

Aren’t I?

Scanning my surroundings yet again, I take in the scenery. I never really get out at night, but the city looks so pretty this way. There’s not too much traffic, especially considering that it’s a Friday night, but there are some people milling about up and down the sidewalk. Some look like they’re on their way home. Some look like they’re on their way out for a night on the town.

“Hey there.”

My eyes are quick to follow the sound of his voice. I look up and he’s strolling up to the bench where I’m seated, the same one where I bandaged his arm the other day.

His hands are shoved in his front pockets, thumbs pushed through the belt loops of the tight, black jeans he’s sporting. His white t-shirt dangles off of his frame in a way that suits him, offering a glimpse of his muscular chest. A black coat completes his ensemble and he certainly looks the part of the typical bad boy.

But, damn, does it look so good on him.

“Hey, there. How’s the arm?”

I scoot over a bit, allowing for ample space between us if he were to take a seat. To my surprise, he sits towards the middle of the bench, so that his thigh brushes against mine as he settles.

I tuck my hair behind my ear, glancing down and covering the noise I want to make with a quiet clearing of my throat.

“It’s good. You do make a pretty decent nurse, sweetheart.”

He grins and pulls his coat sleeve back, revealing the still bandaged wound.

“Wait, have you changed that?”

You’re such a mom. You better hope he’s into MILFs, because otherwise this ain’t gonna get you where you wanna go, girl.

His brow furrows in an expression that tells me all I need to know before he even speaks.

“What do you mean? Changed what?”

A quiet sigh leaves my lungs as I hold out my hand.

“May I?”

His puzzled expression doesn’t falter, but he shrugs and offers his forearm up for inspection.

Carefully, I pull back the tape holding the bandages together and slowly begin to unwrap them.

That is, until the smell hits me. I barely catch of glimpse of the reddened skin before my nostrils detect the scent of burned flesh and excess viscera.

“Oh, dear. Have you even unwrapped this thing?”

Trying not to agitate anything further, I delicately wrap the bandages back around his arm, taping them down once again.

“No, should I have?”

I look up and my gaze meets his, a sense of true ignorance evident in his expression; I try not to laugh. I really try, but a soft giggle escapes nonetheless.

“Yes! I mean, if it doesn’t hurt, I’m sure it’s not that bad right now, but you should be cleaning and redressing a wound like that once every 12 hours at the very least. It’s been what, like, at least 50 at this point?”

His good arm reaches for the back of his neck, scratching at it as he dons an apologetic half smile.

“Sorry, I’m not exactly nurturing by nature, doll. I don’t know the first fucking thing about this kind shit.”

I cock a sympathetic smile as I look at him, sitting there looking almost helpless. I guess he is, in a sense. It’s actually kinda cute how he doesn’t seem to have an inkling of how to properly care for himself.

Because that’s absolutely what you want in a potential relationship. Someone to fix, how fun! Why not open up a shop for broken boys? Girl, when will you learnnn??

“Well, I don’t have anything on me right now, but if you don’t mind coming back to my place, I could clean it up there? And I’ll teach you how to keep up with it this time.”

I guess not today, motherfucker.

“Coming to my rescue again. You must be in a hero course, huh, doll?”

His smile is so naturally disarming as he stands and offers his hand out before me.

“I don’t mind, if you’re sure you don’t. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable and I don’t wanna be a burden. I didn’t ask you out tonight for you to have to play doctor on me again.”

He seems so sweet, so genuine. Maybe he is broken, but everyone deserves kindness. He looks like he hasn’t seen much of that. And as cliché as it is, maybe I can help him. Maybe he can help me.

I slip my hand in his, smiling as flirtatiously as I can manage as he pulls me to my feet.

“I don’t mind. I was kind of hoping I might get to play doctor on you again anyway. Maybe you could even return the favor.”

I brush my fingers against his as our hands disconnect, taking a page from his own book and watching his expression as my skin glides against his.

Or maybe we could just do this. This works too. No muss, no fuss. But oh my goodness what if what I just did was weird and he’s not even interested??

His eyebrows rise for just a moment as he chuckles and glances down, still grinning as he puts his hands in his coat pockets.

“Well, sweetheart, I don’t know much about medicine, but I do know how to give a pretty thorough physical exam.”

Something twitched deep inside my belly as my breath caught in my throat and I damn near tripped over my own two feet as we started walking.

Thankfully, his reflexes were quicker than my inate ability to fuck things up and his good arm reached out to steady my frame as he stepped in front of me.

The delicious scent of his cologne mingling with remnant cigarette smoke nearly made me dizzy as my hands connected with his chest, now completely unable to ignore the muscles just beneath his thin shirt.

“You all right there, doll?”

Long, slender fingers find their way under my chin. His thumb just barely brushing the edge of my bottom lip as he strokes it over my chin.

His eyes are practically piercing mine as he carefully lifts my face to his. Who knew being in such close proximity to someone so beautiful could be this paralyzing.

Holy fuck. Forget fixing me. He can break me and I’ll probably thank him for it.

The strong hand on the small of my back threatens to rob me of my breath all over again and I have to fight to keep any semblance of composure in his arms.

“Yeah.” I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear and will myself to break eye contact. “You always have girls falling for you this quickly?”

I pity laugh at my own joke, wishing my quirk was something that would allow me to disappear.

But then he’s chuckling too. It’s melodious at first, but then it morphs into a deep reverberation that sends all the right chills down my spine as I level my eyes with his again.

He looks like an enigma personified. His eyes look so gentle and warm, but his smile reads so sad. The words that leave his lips sound like both a warning and an invitation to my flushe red ears.

“Trust me, princess. You don’t wanna fall for me. I’m no good for you.”

Oh, but it’s too late for that.

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