#anyways so that's My morning lol. ugh
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So I found out upon checking my email this morning that the therapy appointment isn't in the health building like I thought, but rather in the basement of a boy's only dorm further north
Which brings up two problems: that's even further away than I'd accounted for, and I find it SUPREMELY uncomfortable to go to a boy's only dorm for therapy, even if the office is in one of the general areas.
I'd already been conceding on the matter of agreeing to talk to a man, since I'm generally uncomfortable with talking to men I don't know, but it was the soonest appointment I could get... so I agreed to it, but finding out it's in the boy's only dorm is just Too Much. Not only would it make it even harder to get there, but my skin just kinda crawls thinking about baring my fuckin heart in a place so thoroughly meant for guys. Like it's a place I don't belong, which REALLY does not help give the comfort kinda required of such an appointment.
I called the office asking if the appointment could be set up on zoom (bc it mentioned it in the email), but the therapist was staunch on it being in-person, so I rescheduled with a different person for the 13th. Bc if this dude isn't gonna be understanding with my discomfort with the location, like fuckin hell I'm gonna let myself be emotionally vulnerable with him. Bet he was thinking I was being too picky like "Oh it's a stupid Girl who can't handle being around Men" like sorry I have a healthy fear of guys I don't know 😋😋😋😋😋 if U have a problem with it then change society so talking to unknown men doesn't feel like walking in a minefield. Thanks.
#speculation nation#so. no appointment today. i asked the receptionist just to be Sure of the location for the one next week#and yeah it's not gonna be in a fucking boy's only dorm#genuinely why the hell did they schedule me with someone there. ugh.#bit of a bummer but i do feel like i dodged a bullet#bc if the dude isnt gonna be understanding about this. why would he be understanding about other things?#bc ultimately this comes down to an accomodation for anxiety. he may think it's senseless but it's real to me.#being around men i dont know is just so uncomfortable. makes me so nervous. and Especially at a boy's college dorm...#if the guy cant concede to that then i cant trust him to be understanding of my other Issues. so it's better like this.#really fuckin annoying though. but i cant say i'm disappointed to have the extra time in my morning.#so it's... fine. i'll manage. im just vaguely disgruntled by it all.#negative/#Probs. im certainly complaining enough.#& pls dont come at me with the 'not all men' shtick. i Know majority of men are just normal people#but even among normal men i sometimes just feel like a hunk of meat to them#once i know a man & know hes not gonna try to hit on me or be creepy to me then i'm just fine#but unknown men. anything could happen. even an okay man could make me uncomfortable if he's overly friendly or hits on me#this is just basic self preservation ok. if youre a small 'girl' you learn very young to be careful with these things. ok.#anyways so that's My morning lol. ugh
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hear me out on this one
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza series#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#jo sawashiro#snap sketches#cause i asked myself 'what if we have him more layers' i dont want to see AN OUNCE of skin from this dude#another similarity between mine and sawashiro is ive drawn tthem both in turtlenecks. lol.#funny as hell tho ever since i watched we make antiques i actually wanted to draw arakawa in a turtleneck#he always reminds me of a turtle anyway for some reason...#i mean this isnt totally off that mentality either. ttm did look cute in a turtleneck in like. Two Things#Awful tho all i thought bout when drawin the neck part was that Pencil Neck bit from p&f LMAO#omg wait rant time cause i drew this while waiting to hang with my bitchass friend#done with comm work for the morning and she taking nine years so. lets doodle#but then this bitchass friend forgot we were hanging out today even tho SKE asked to hang out today. as she did yesterday.#like UGH im not saying sawashiro is valid for bullying ichi for being late all the time but i get it.#this is legitimately the second day in a row where she forgot we were meeting and its making me explode#anyway she just texted me nw so i guess shes gonna come over soon#which means i get to be mad at her playin y7 LMAO ITS ALL FUN anyway bye
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most fucked up thing at my new job is there's only zero calorie sweeteners at the coffee station in the break room. three different kinds of zero calorie sweetener but no regular sugar because the assumption is that literally everyone is on a diet?
#is this because its a job dominated by women in particular??? idk#that's so weird#like sorry i can taste the difference and i prefer naturally occurring sugar from nature how is that not even an option#drinking nasty bitter af coffee bc i am So Sleepy but i refuse to use artificial sweeteners#they Do taste different and they're not even good for you im not doing that lol#also they got mad at me for telling one of the parents that we took one of the kids temperature and it was 99 and he threw up a little#when his dad came to get him yesterday and all of the other teachers were nowhere to be found#they were like tou shouldnhave had colleen do that#ma'am colleen went home before that and so did you#i should have left already too but waited bc the ratio on the playground was bad#anyway i did NOT say he had a fever i said it was 99 and to talk to the teacher inside#but the dad didnt yalk to her clearly then went home and scared the mom that he had a fever and threw up so she texted my boss freaking out#i literally just said he threw up a little and we took his temperature and it was 99 and to talk to the other teacher#which was all true and there was no one else there to tell him#anyway#apparently the person who had my job before me was a wacko who scared the parents with fake medical information or something#but that is not my fault and nobody told me that or not to tell the parents anything medical until this morning#ugh#also my supervisor is kind of a weirdo#she wanted to show everyone ~cute~ pictures of animals she has killed while hunting???#and i said i didnt want to see#and she was like ~oh it's not dead yet in the picture~#like okay but its dead now???#she traps them first so its a cute little fox in a trap about to be killed 😭#like wtfff#i know trappong predators is a reality but why take pictures like ohhh so cute then kill it#THEN show everyone the cute pictures like yeah isnt he adorable i killed him btw <3#huh??????#she has a bobcat tail on her keychain too she was giving it to the teachers and kids to pet like ohhh its so soft <3
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#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now#while im still a bit elevated#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful#but im just really happy i got accepted here#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr#unrelated#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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today I put on a different mask and it felt better than the usual
#meaning: today i melted into my outfit and decided to change my personality in small ways to fit how i dressed myself#im wearing something very . hm. well it's black and plaid and stripes and it's way more cohesive than it sounds#a broad shouldered oversized black button up with grey plaid slim fit slacks#black platform boots and a black tie w white and grey stripes#one silver hoop earring a bunch of black and silver rings and slicked back hair#this all matters Because depending on what im wearing my mood changes a little. so do my mannerisms. for the better or the worse#i assume this is pretty normal (otherwise why do ppl dress up to feel fancy or dress down when they already feel sluggish..?)#but anyway i was less of a people pleaser today!#LOL#i drew a line. i told someone no nicely but clearly.#i asked someone else to hang out next week and i didn't act unsure of myself even if i felt that way inside#i spoke up in class as usual but without adding my infamous “.... if that makes any sense?” at the end#i made a mistake and got corrected and i accepted it cooly with a grin and a nod#i felt scared the whole time but to concluded: i quite like this version of the mask#sure it's not all true to how i feel#but it actually helps instead of feeling fake and exhausting#the mask that i wear to make people like me is also untrue but it hurts me way more#this sounds corny ugh WHATEVER.#the one thing i didn't like however was that. i noticed that i kept a straight face most of the morning so far and it kinda made my mood#worsen?#like not allowing myself to loom surprised when i feel surprised or look worried when i am or smile when i see something silly? that#feels bad#i dont like being so guarded#but i also hate when my facial expressions are obvious. like yesterday#i cant seem to find a middle ground because they both make me feel uncomfortable in different ways#z.post
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ok i need to let the new ship thoughts marinate before i decide on anything concrete about them esp since I'm a little fuzzy on the arr patch details but thinking how this might affect the cala ship timeline in general gave me some good ideas alsfkjdha
#i think haurche will have to happen a few months after the banquet now vs. like a week after lol#but i can make it work#i'm going to have to adjust a lot of hc stuff in early HW lol#i just. ugh. why did i have to have such cute thoughts about them on my drive to work this morning#and equally sad thoughts about everything else#cala i'm so sorry bb i'm making you feel like your love life is cursed for half of msq :)#anyway. calfilia is real 2k24 byeeee
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#What a long ass day#Work sucked#But ah well.#I wanted to say I listened to the small Aussie bands that will be opening for Louis on my way to work this morning and I was like 'eh'#But then I got to club Halifax and I really digged the two songs they have on Spotify#Nice interesting voice and sounds#Very very cool#Oh and I also read Joshua's post while on my break and he made me tear up 🥲#He's so special and he deserves all the awards okay#How lucky we are to get the content he creates and he seems like a genuinely good dude. His energy is just so soft. Ugh.#My best friends. 💚#Anyway. That's my diary entry of the day. Lol.
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#I think I’m probably not feeling movement yet as it’s still a bit early#but I am feeling SOMETHING and I can only describe it as like#if something with a gentle vibration pattern were lodged in my insides#kinda fluttery#my SIL says be careful what you wish for it’s fun at first and then they’re just kicking you 24/7 for months#lol#anyway I definitely felt better as the day went on today#this morning I was still so sick I couldn’t even read I just lay around dozing#but tonight I feel marginally more human just with chest cold symptoms#night will be tough bc everything drains down the back of your throat ugh#but hopefully I will feel even better tomorrow!!!! I live in hope!!!#I also started slow horses and am into it so far
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itchy tooth all day. constant runny nose & cough continuing on 5 days after I recovered from my cold. ears feeling plugged/high-pressure and popping (then getting replugged again) over the past week. haven’t heard things around me properly in days. I’m about to bite into someone
#literally have to keep tissues on hand constantly because my nose is like a dripping faucet ugh this is awfullll#the itchy tooth is definitely the worst though I hope it’s temporary and I don’t need a root canal#I stay so on top of brushing/flossing/dentists visits but 3 weeks ago I was eating dinner#and my bite suddenly felt REALY weird. like one of my lower teeth was way too high up#the next morning I bite into a croissant and feel something hard in my mouth and 🥰 the back wall of one of my premolars just. fell off.#had to wait a week to see the dentist bc she was closed for the holidays#looks at the tooth#ur mouth is so healthy no plaque no enamel at all but you had a huge filling done there probably like a decade ago#and bc you grind ur teeth in your sleep it just. fractured under the stress#me: oh. that was possible#dentist; yeah girl 😔#anyway I got the filling done on Monday and got fitted for a night guard too 😭👍 and an ortho referral. but now it’s ITCHY#it was fine the first two days and now it’s bothering me. I’ve felt a dying nerve before and it isn’t this so I’m hoping it’s just#irritation/body going 🚨 over what it thinks is a foreign body (because they basically redid the whole filling)#but ugfhhhh if I need a root canal….#it’s one of those buildups of so many annoyances that if ONE more thing slightly annoys me I might start crying LOL#I know none of this is really that bad but it’s adding up LMAO#YES ENAMEL I MEANT NO PLAQUE*** AM TIRED LSJSJSJS
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the bottom line is that "aroace" is technically applicable but only in its simplest form -- the bit about not/rarely experiencing attraction. because "to other humans" is the implied part of that phrase. but that means it's also technically inapplicable! because my actual position is "as a nonhuman of no particular species affiliation I am attracted to a wide variety of other nonhuman species but very rarely humans and usually if I'm attracted to a human it's because there's something distinctly nonhuman about them that I'm attracted to"
but you just can't be sayin all that to the average, well, human
#singularity.txt#like i can't really *relate* per se to aro/ace/aroace dialogue bc... it's not about all that other stuff for me#the RA stuff is v good and i relate to that obvs but like. i'm a romantic (capital-r is probably more correct LOL) slut.#i just don't experience an innate attraction to humans just like most humans don't experience an innate attraction to idk... aliens or w/e#and frankly y'all's mating rituals are like. just not my bag most of the time!!! i don't get it! innately! cognitively i can figure it out#but innately it doesn't vibe!#anyway. just musin on a saturday morning while trying to convince myself to go to the farmer's market. yknow how it is#(why tf do they open so early. by the time i get there the cooked-food vendors will be out of food! what's the POINT UGH)
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#i just like‚ don’t want to do anythin anmore lol#im so tired and have no sense of time i never know what day it is or what time it is i feel so lost#maybe i’ll just rot away in my room#i need to cry but the tears never come i always cry when i dont want to#let me fucking cry argrhrhggg#rotting away in my room forever probably gonna spiral but its fine i whatever i have water so peace and love i guess#im just so deeply sad and i’ve been just unhealthily scrolling on social media i need to stop instagram is so stupid for making reels#never going on instagram reels actually just say no#ugh im literally so sad and dont want to do anything i keep seeing nature and its just so beautiful and i think about a life i could have#i think and think about it and want to cry because it’s the most ideal life i could ever hope for but its just a silly fantasy#i know i’ll never actually have a life i want#i just want to live in a cottage and paint and be good at it and go for morning walks when the sun rises and afternoon walks when its rains#and pick flowers and go home and make soup and have a nice room to get all comfy and why am i even saying this lol#with the way the worlds turning out with everything unfortunately revolving around money i’ll never have an ideal life#it just feels like my whole life is just crumbling down around me#anyways im like totally fine by the way im literally so silly all of the time
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my supervisor felt the psychic vibes of me searching for other jobs on my lunch break so he pulled me aside for a meeting about how i'm not good enough at my job <3
#literally telling me im too slow when the only thing i like abt this job is setting my own pace lol#anyway chewing drywall im literally truly going to apply to be a dmv clerk i said that last night and this morning im serious#they tell me to spend less time inspecting the merchandise but if i dont inspect it then quality control tells me its not good#and makes me redo it??#i know its faster and easier for them for me to not do that but it's faster and easier for me to do it so im gonna do it#anyway#killing myself killing myself killing myself#also its abt to be the busy season ughh#i was abt to apply for a seasonal job yesterday its not full time#feel lowkey bad bc i told these people i wanted to stay with the company and work up to management and stuff but ugh#even the management does manual labor all day no thanks#im supposed to do that at home too but i dont have the energy#anyway meeting wasn't all bad they indicated a possibility of moving me to something less manual labor intensive for some of the days#this has been a shitpost
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embarrassed to report that, 2.5 years later, i have realized it's probably NOT that driscoll is an exceptionally difficult book to write (i mean, it is Hard, but it's not like Unspeakably Difficult).
it's probably that literally Every Single Time i've made this The Project(tm), i have been in the midst of an Upheaval/Subpar Working Conditions. that, uh. That Would Do It.
#text#personal#writing#in btw#driscoll#listen this hit me like a ton of bricks last night lol#nano draft was gr8 and fun and fast (i was just lonely as fuck but the writing was good!!)#draft 2 was the first thing i started working on as panini hit and then i was in the process of moving back in with my parents (ugh)#draft 3 was 2.5months of fighting my dad for the writing room (which mom offered me as such since it was HER BEDROOM)#(dad didnt realize that was the deal because his head is so far up his own ass hes oblivious to anyone else :) )#so then i moved my desk into my room and that helped#draft 4 has been starting a new job and simultaneously losing ALL ACCESS to a Quiet House#and apparently the Quiet was the major support pillar of making words go#(which makes sense because once bro was up and gaming id have to tap out of words and then mom got home and all bets were off)#(so writing hours were morning/afternoon when i could pretend i was home alone)#getting off after 5 or 6 means everyone is awake and loud by the time i get home#so#no wordsing success :(#anyway my mom has said a few times Driscoll Is Too Hard Try Something Else :(#and yes its hard but. its mostly hard because fucken environment#so not setting it aside is a good call because the environment wont change 🙄🙄#gosh i need to get the fuck out of heeeeere#anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk
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Maintenance came pretty promptly, all things considered. As expected, they're gonna shut the water off for a few hours while they work to fix it. Apparently, a water heater valve broke, so the apartment above mine's carpet is just flooooded. Thankfully mine is just linoleum & since I caught it happening, i placed pots out to catch the worst of the water dripping.
It's some pretty serious leaking tho lmao. Like 3 inches in my industrial sized pot from work lol in the 2 hours that I went back to sleep
Yyyyyyeah
#speculation nation#but at least it will get fixed!#they said that it'll keep leaking for a while. but thats ok#i'll be leaving for work soon ish anyways so i wont have to deal with the brunt of all this#happens to be the day im gonna b there until Really late. so lol#it's gonna be an inconvenient morning. gonna have to brush my teeth with bottled water... ugh
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feeling very ‘suddenly I can’t read’ about the rumours about nico hulkenberg signing with audi in 2026
#i didn’t learn my lesson about never going on twitter again bc i went on this morning and that was the first thing i saw 💀#literally everything i see on that site nowadays is terrible lol#anyways boooo throwing tomatoes lol even tho i did predict that he would go to audi seeing it happen in real time is not smth i want#esp since valtteri and guanyu are two of my faves. and hulk is my least fav driver. so i'm extra salty about this move#the optimistic take(?) is that it’s for 2026 and not 2025 so it’s possible zhottas can stay for another year but Ugh#roscoehamiltons.txt
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can someone who knows apollo directly PLEASE tell him to stop turning my semi-anxious/paranoid musings into reality bc this is like the third thing this week and idk what to do
#me a week and a half ago: ‘… man wouldn’t it be so sad if my sister and her bf broke up? plus super awkward bc my bf is her bf’s brother ha’#me two nights ago: *has a dream about the exact same thing happening*#and then this morning. my sister texts me and says they’re gonna break up :((#APOLLO STOP#I’m sad for them but like I’m glad they’re figuring it out and being mature and everything#it’s so hard to explain. I’m happy for them in a very sad way#anyway. ugh#im blaming him for my period starting right before my spring break vacation too bc I was like ‘man that would suck lol’ AND THEN IT HAPPENE#when I wasn’t supposed to start for another WEEK AND A HALF#bro I’m so tired. apollo if you’re reading this please give a gal a break :’(#eve's thoughts#delete later
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