#as scary or overwhelming as it would have been in november when i made this account as a fresh start after uh.

[flowercrowngods]

hi my inbox is full of so much love and affection right now and i swear i am not ignoring anyone, i see all your "you make me happy" asks and your cat pics and your "i hope you have a wonderful day" messages but i swear i'm not ignoring you, i'm just gonna bask in them a little longer 🥰🤍

[rexismycopilot]

Hii!! 🖤 I just saw this post, and I finally remembered what I had been meaning to ask you two days ago and then totally forgot about. I can be at peace now.

Obi-Wan worried about Anakin's health plan in FS, and there was the whole thing about getting married earlier because of that.

Well, I'm scared to go to the doctor. It's embarrassing and scary.

And I thought maybe you could write a little bit more about Obi supporting Ani on this at some point? It's a suggestion, but pretty please

Forgive me for any lack of coherence and sensitivity, please, I've been sleep-deprived all week.I wish you all my love and I thank you for being here.

Aw, Anon, I really relate to your struggles!

I definitely plan on going more into that in FS once they're married because Obi-Wan is going to insist and Anakin is going to have a mini-breakdown about it.

As for being afraid of doctors, Anon... me too. You are not at all alone. Until recently, I avoided them at all costs. I have health anxiety and I'm fucking terrified of the doctor lol. It's a great combination!

I'm going to put my experience going back to the doctor under the cut in case it's kind of triggering for some people, but I'll write it out here in case it helps anyone.

When I called to make my first gyno appointment in years (yep, years!), I specifically told them that I was scared and nervous and asked them to recommend a doctor for me. And you know what? They did great! Don't get me wrong, the whole experience was awful in the sense that I had to drive myself there (I get lost very easily even with gps and a city that I've lived in for years haha), I had to sit in the waiting room, just the general sounds and smells of a doctors office, then you have to change into that gown. It's terrible!

Maybe you can relate to this too: I tend to not like to be perceived in person. I don't like people being too close to me. I don't like being touched. I'm very sensitive in general so if a doctor or nurse even uses the slightest wrong tone with me, I've lost it. And I've had experiences in the past where I've brought up a problem and just been ignored, so it felt kind of like "why even bother?"

Anyway, so the nurse and doctor were very pleasant and the whole exam in retrospect was pretty fast. And guess what? I still cried. I tried to explain it through tears like "I'm sorry. it's not you, it's me! I'm just so scared!" and it felt really embarrassing. It still feels embarrassing to be afraid of something that people seem to do with few or no qualms at all. Anxiety is a fucking bitch, isn't it?

November was a month of doctors appointments for me and I had to go to a dermatologist and they removed some moles and two turned out to be "bad" (I guess atypical enough to be concerning but not cancerous yet, whatever that means) so now I have to have the same surgery that they would do for cancerous moles. Which sucks a lot.

And let me tell you, I'm really scared.

But here's the thing and maybe this will help you too. I think a lot of my fear of the doctor is that it feels like I'm not in control of the situation. They use words I don't understand, they have to touch me a lot, there can be lots of needles involved (get them away from me!!), and then the overwhelming sense that I'm just being so stupid because everyone does this and some people go through far worse. And then of course my brain goes immediately to catastrophizing? What if... what if... what if?

BUT! As out of control as I feel in the moment, going to the doctor actually puts me back in control of my health. At the end of it all, it's giving me more control.

I have to remind myself constantly that good doctors want us to be healthy. They aren't there to judge me for gaining weight during the pandemic. They aren't even there to judge me for not having gone for years. They are there to help me take control back.

Does that always erase the fear? Absolutely not. I wish it did. I wish I had the magic thing to say to myself that made it all make sense and made it all better, but I don't.

The only thing I can say to you, Anon, is that you are not alone. I know it feels really embarrassing to have this fear. I know it feels awful knowing that you should do something but you just can't bring yourself to do it.

I really really really empathize with you and I'm sure others reading this do too.

If you do end up going to the doctor, just know that i know it took a lot of courage to go. I know it's scary. And after that appointment, no matter what happened, I hope you do something nice for yourself. Go out to dinner or order in, watch your favorite comfort movie, take a bath... whatever brings you joy! The thing that seems really "extravagant", do it!

and don't even get me started on the fucking dentist

[marisol-holme]

The retired good girls guide to writing

Dog-pile

I’ve been on my period! Hence the lack of uploads. Being a writer, who feels obligated to share their work in the name of creativity, I felt guilty that I haven’t been working. It made me feel anxious, as if maybe I was wrong about my career path and calling. The word ‘trend’ chanted in my mind for days. 

Large brands and corporations, content creators and individuals at home Tweet, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook (still) incessantly, following the rat race churn of what’s going on in the world, as it is happening. Adhering stringently to what the viewers are reading and watching currently, desperately seeking relatability in the dog-pile of creation. 

I suffer from PMDD – Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder [1]. Since I started puberty, around 13, I’ve struggled with the both the physical and mental symptoms of PMDD. For about a week and a half (and sometimes up to two weeks) and up to the first/second day of my period, I experience depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, pain in my joints, insomnia, and rejection sensitivity – just to name a few. It’s a rough time. Honestly the breeze could waft, and I’d start bawling my eyes. It takes up more than a quarter of my life, and impacts my productivity, relationships, work, and self-image, and for 10 years, I just thought I was mad. 

Whilst working as a nursery practitioner, these symptoms meant that I took a lot of unpaid sick leave (sorry Doodles). I would often find myself overwhelmed, tearful, reaching for the door handle to head to work and terrified of what would happen if I left my home – so I’d call in sick. I mean I was sick, but the guilt of not knowing what was wrong made the situation a lot more uncomfortable. When COVID hit, these symptoms exploded tenfold. 

My COVID infection in November of 2023 was weird. My main symptoms were flu-like in their physical manifestation, but mentally, I was so confused to the point that I’d sometimes forget where I was, even in my own home. Getting lost on the tube to the point that I was walking in circles through the underground gangways at Euston station, feeling with my hands along the wall. I was so dizzy and slow; I was genuinely scared I’d fall onto the tracks if I’d let go. I could feel my brain working slower. The symptoms cleared up and then a couple of weeks after… they hit me again. I was testing negative, but all the symptoms were back. I was experiencing paranoia. Voices telling me that others were conspiring to help my mental health (a cute delusion, but still scary to experience). It wasn’t full blown psychosis, as I was still aware of what was going on, but my grip on reality was loosening. I cannot explain how terrified I was. I returned to my parents’ house to be looked after. I felt like a failure.

I was desperate to impress at my new job with the Ideas Foundation, but I was so confused, often making mistakes, forgetting simple tasks and sleeping through alarms. I was vomiting in the mornings and not being able to sleep at night. 2024 was supposed to be my year. I had to grovel at the doctors to get some help, and even when I was diagnosed with Long-COVID, I had to fight to get onto my antidepressants, and even went private for some beta-blockers. 

My prescriptions really calm my nervous system down. Which for someone who was trying to do psychotherapy, COVID recovery and everything else, they were a lifesaver [2]. I’m waffling about this because for a while now, I’ve known I was neurodivergent – yes, another buzz word now, but hear me out. 

My friends have often made jokes that I am autistic. Funny! I always thought they were jokes, but I now realise, neurotypical individuals probably don’t get the label autistic thrown at them as frequently as I do. Honestly, it all went over my head. Pretty autistic of me. Looking back, I can see how it was missed. I’m a big people pleaser. I aim to fit in, make people comfortable, often at the own expense of my individuality and energy levels (classic masking). My therapist told me to not worry too much about defining labels, I’m just – different. I am comfortable with being neurodivergent, neurologically different. 

I bring this up because PMDD disproportionally affects autistic and ADHD women. 92% of autistic women, and 46% of ADHD women, in fact [3,4]. I think it is because us neurodivergent girlies are rather sensitive to our environments. I liken my luteal phase (when my PMDD symptoms rear their big ugly head) to big Tesco. Big Tesco is the physical embodiment of my luteal phase – the fluorescent lighting, unbearably bright and yucky for my eyes is like the pain in my joints. Not quite got a warmth to it but, boy is it ON. Then the temperature fluctuations as I move throughout the store - hot, cold, back to hot, and then unbearably freezing. I feel the temperature changes in the air as I’m breathing into my lungs, and it’s on my skin. These are the mood swings! I feel raw to the temperature, the hormones, like a swing I can’t get off. The music playing, at just the dizzying volume to make you question picking Tesco for your weekly shop, is the anxiety in my chest. Growing heavier and heavier, louder and louder, but no one’s changing the volume. The occasional store announcement – those are the suicidal thoughts. You never know when they’re going to appear, but they do, well over the buzz of the store… well over the buzz of my body. 

As you can gather, I don’t like supermarkets. Click and collect has been a saving grace in terms of avoiding stress. It probably sounds quite silly. I am so lucky to be able to go into a store to get my food, checkout and leave, but doesn’t make it any easier for me. The same goes for my menses. I love being a woman. But I hate it sometimes too. 

Excuses, but I didn’t write. I was on my luteal phase, experimenting with a double dose of Paroxetine to get me through the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, and dampening the loudness of my body. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not contributing to the dog-pile. I will create my own little pile of stuff over here, thanks.  

It makes me think of Neurodiversity week. Related to the inclusivity that the Ideas Foundation champions, I (remotely) took part in a talk for neurodiversity week, listening to neurodiverse professionals speak on their experiences. I was supposed to write an article for their website. I didn’t. I remember being told that I needed to be on the ball. I wasn’t. As time went on, I felt like I’d missed the mark. The buzz that is often created and that marketing specialists feed off. I wasn’t as hungry. I guess, in a way, I’m writing the article now. It’s lovely having allocated days and weeks for things, I think. But sometimes it takes away from the message – like the generated buzz is more important that the actual message. The number of likes, comments, reposts are what counts (not!)

I fear that authentic messaging and realness is often preyed upon for the dog-pile of content creation. Are we posting pieces of ourselves for the right reasons or are we selling parts of ourselves for a click from another?  

Hello, I’m Marisol. I am a PMDD thriver, endocrine disorder haver, neurodiverse young professional creating a little pile of stuff on the internet over here! Why am I posting this and who are you?

By Marisol Holme

[1] https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd/about-pmdd/#:~:text=Premenstrual%20dysphoric%20disorder%20(PMDD)%20is,phase%20of%20your%20menstrual%20cycle

[2] https://www.tumblr.com/marisol-holme/754814396286517248/how-starting-paroxetine-changed-my-life?source=share

[3] Obaydi, H., & Puri, B. K. (2008). Prevalence of premenstrual syndrome in autism: a prospective observer-rated study. The Journal of international medical research, 36(2), 268–272. https://doi.org/10.1177/147323000803600208

[4] Dorani F, Bijlenga D, Beekman ATF, van Someren EJW, Kooij JJS. Prevalence of hormone-related mood disorder symptoms in women with ADHD. J Psychiatr Res. 2021 Jan;133:10-15. doi: 10.1016/j.jpsychires.2020.12.005. Epub 2020 Dec 3. PMID: 33302160.]

[grapesodadarkchocolate]

Overwhelmed

On my mind: Maybe there gets to be a first time. A first time for everything. Feeling so wrapped up tight within confusion. It seemed like an ordinary moment. It seemed like an ordinary conversation. Everything seemed simple and straight forward. And yet it wasn’t. Things began to rapidly unravel for me after a recent phone call. I could not think straight. So much got triggered during the call that I couldn’t shape what day it was or what had transpired recently or in what order. Clarity shot out the window and as I attempted to keep it all above water that is when I began to drown. Though brief, I lost the ability to make sense of so many automatic choices I had made that day. “I went to the library this afternoon, right?” “Is this the day I typically pick up my books that are on hold?” “Wait. What day of the week is it?" I knew it was the 11th but what day is it —Tuesday? Does that even make any sense? 

It is as if I was attempting to recalibrate the moment I was in over and over and over again. Much like audible driving directions when on a roundabout that Siri can’t identify. Where am I and what direction am I going? 

That must be what overwhelmed feels like. 

Scary and confusing but very telling. The more I pull out and away from the norm I have subsisted within, the more conflict seems to arise in readjusting to a healthier way of living. 

Telling my story and all I need is the other person to listen and yet what is offered is often suggestions, blame, or maybe disregard for the fact that I am speaking at all. How hard is it simply to be present with someone as they are struggling to realign themselves? Hence, the color wheel escapes in such moments, trying to make sense of what doesn’t. 

Taking note of what my plan of action would be when feeling overwhelmed. Just getting in to the quiet. Just allowing nothing to be my next course of action. Overwhelmed—golly sakes, it is tricky business. It truly felt like I was losing my mind. No matter how brief it may have been. 

Accountability is also essential here. Holding ourselves responsible for actions rendered and redressing a situation when we fall short. Expecting the same of others as well. Using the following tools to help navigate healthier engagements: 

Empathy Practice: Blog Entry: Third Anniversary (Empathy Practice): Read , March 2023 🍇🥤🍫

Active Listening: Blog Entry: Would I treat you the way that you treat me? (Active Listening): Read, March 2023 🍇🥤🍫

Trust (BRAVING): Blog Entry: What happens to trust?: Read , September 2, 2021 🍇🥤🍫

Revisiting these tools until they are more the norm of how we transport ourselves through the day. Keeping learning constantly on the move. +++

Resource: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown (An essential resource for anyone’s bookshelf.) 

In Memory this Week: 

“Last surviving prosecutor at Nuremberg war trials” Benjamin Ferencz 1920-2023 by Robert McFadden, New York Times, Read, April 9, 2023 📰

“Nuremberg prosecutor rested case in 2 days: 'I had the proof they murdered a million people’”: Watch 🎥

Margot Stern Strom (1941-2023) Facing History and Ourselves Cofounder “She Worked to Break Silence Around Holocaust, injustice” by Richard Sandomir, New York Times: Read 📰

On Being podcast “The Long View, II: On who we can become” with Kathy Murphy, Facing History and Ourselves: Listen, November 5, 2020 🎙

Squirrel moment: Hilary Hahn: J.S. Bach: Concerto for 2 Violins in D Minor, BWV 1043 - I. Vivace: Listen  🎶🎻🎻

[hollyoxleylevel5]

Research existing products and services aimed at new mums

To get an idea of what colours and imagery my audience prefers, I have decided to look at existing products that are marketed for new mums. I will look at what tone of voice they use, what colours are used and how they may appeal to new mums.

When looking at shopping websites, I realised that most supermarkets, such as Tesco and Asda had a separate section for new born baby and mother products. This was designed slightly different from there main website and usually had a noticeable change of tone.

Asda - New born and mum to be

Asda. (2022). Newborn & Mum to Be. [Screenshot]. Available from: https://groceries.asda.com/dept/baby-toddler-kids/newborn-mum-to-be/1215135760631-1215684243471/. [Accessed 18th November 2022].

Instead of the background being white, they have used a light pastel yellow. I like how this makes the website look softer and happy. This gives the website a friendly tone instead of the blunt and harsh tone the white background creates on the main page. The hand drawn illustration of baby animals and nature, makes the website look approachable and less daunting. This will entice new mums as they are usually stressed. I like how they have used a sans serif typeface that has thick strokes. This makes the title of the page look friendly and not something to be scared of as being a new parent can be scary, as I have witnessed when my younger cousin was born.

Asda - Johnson's Bedtime wash

Asda. (2022). Johnson's Bedtime Wash. [Screenshot]. Available from: https://groceries.asda.com/product/baby-childrens-bath-shower/johnsons-bedtime-wash/1000108538719/. [Accessed 18 November 2022].

The packaging for this product uses a pastel purple background. I like how this gives the product a soft tone. The label of this product has a pattern of small stars, moons and hearts. I like how the small shapes have no sharp edges, enforcing the soft tone of the packaging. Furthermore, this gives me the idea that this product is safe to use which would appeal to new mums. Some new mums are cautious about buying skin products for their baby as their skin can be sensitive. The two yellow shapes draw my eye from the logo up to the water drop shaped label, emphasising that the product is gentle and will not harm the baby's eyes if it gets in them.

I like how the website has used small illustrations to show that the product has been tested and is beneficial for baby's sleep routines. By using a similar pastel purple to the bottle, they have made a connection between the two.

Morrisons - Maternity and new baby

Morrisons. (2022). Maternity and New baby. [Screenshot]. https://groceries.morrisons.com/browse/baby-toddler-177598/maternity-new-baby-177606/. [Accessed 18 November 2022].

Unlike Asda who use a different coloured background, Morrisons keep their pure white background. However, they use a light blue colour for there text. This makes it less harsh and created a peaceful feeling. By keeping the background colour and layout of their website the same, they create a sense of familiarity that some new mums will find appealing. I also like how they have used a simple sans serif typeface, making it easy to read. It may also stop the website from looking too complex and overwhelming for new mums.

Morrisons - Pampers new baby nappies

Morrisons. (2022). Pampers new baby size 0. [Screenshot]. https://groceries.morrisons.com/products/pampers-new-baby-size-0-366779011. [Accessed 18 November 2022].

Unlike Asda who use a small picture of the product, with large space for information about the product, Morrisons uses a large image of the product to advertise it. This places emphasis on the brand itself and not the websites additional features it may add. I like how this keeps the website simple and easy to navigate, as the customer will be able to find the correct product easily.

I like how Pampers has used a bright yellow and soft blue for their packaging. This makes the brand look approachable and gives it a friendly tone of voice. The image of the small baby in the bottom right corner helps new mums to know that these nappies are suitable for most new born babies. This will make the brand look more appealing because it is easy to find the right product. By placing the sensitive skin approval stickers above the logo, they have made them easily noticeable. This will make the product appealing to new mums because they have reassured a worry they may have.

John Lewis - Toiletries for new mums

John Lewis. (2022). Toiletries for New mums. [Screenshot]. Available from: https://www.johnlewis.com/browse/beauty/toiletries-for-new-mums/_/N-7jk0/. [Accessed 18 November 2022].

Similar to Asda, who changed the colour of their background, John Lewis has given the colour of the background a pink hue. This makes the light look less harsh and warmer. This gives it a more approachable feeling. However, it is not noticeable at first glance, making it still look similar to the normal parts of their website. They also use the same font and features, making it something familiar.

However, instead of having a website directed at new mums and babies, John Lewis have focused the section on mums alone. This may be quite refreshing for some new mums, as most shops advertise the products by making them appealing for mums to buy for the baby. This will make the website look more appealing because it is something for them.

John Lewis - This works skin solution

John Lewis. (2022). This Works Parent & Baby Sleep Duo Kit. [Screenshot]. Available from: https://www.johnlewis.com/this-works-parent-baby-sleep-duo-kit/p6076542/. [Accessed 18 November 2022].

Similar to Johnson's body wash, this product uses a pastel purple colour for the background. I like how this colour links the product together, as the products are both supposed to be used to help fall asleep. I like how the visual design of the packaging is simple but conveys that the product is to be used to help both mum and baby fall asleep. By using the cut out of the moon and clouds with the white stars, the customer immediately knows the product is to be used at night. I like how the designer has used symbols that most people know the meanings of to show this.

Furthermore, I like how they have used a serif type to make the product look elegant. This gives a more mature and straightforward tone to the other products I have looked at. However, it still looks friendly. By combining it with a sans serif type for the body text and smaller details, it stops the serif type looking too sharp and the tone from being harsh.

By analysing these products and websites that are designed with new mums in mind, I have an informed idea on what visual elements my branding identity show has. I will use a pastel colour pallet, that uses only 3 colours at most. This will make the assets look simple and give them a friendly tone. It should also stop them from looking overwhelming. I will also use a sans serif typeface with no sharp corners as this will make the design look soft and give a nice and friendly tone of voice.

Asda. (2022). Newborn & Mum to Be. [Online]. Available from: https://groceries.asda.com/dept/baby-toddler-kids/newborn-mum-to-be/1215135760631-1215684243471/. [Accessed 18th November 2022]..

Morrisons. (2022). Maternity and New baby. [Online]. https://groceries.morrisons.com/browse/baby-toddler-177598/maternity-new-baby-177606/. [Accessed 19 November 2022].

John Lewis. (2022). Toiletries for New mums. [Online]. Available from: https://www.johnlewis.com/browse/beauty/toiletries-for-new-mums/_/N-7jk0/. [Accessed 18 November 2022].

[hawkinsindiana]

i want to talk about it

ALMOST PARADISE: PART THREE - CHAPTER TWO OF ELEVEN (?)

pairing: steve harrington x henderson!reader

word count: 2.8k

a/n: you asked for it! guess what - the anGST IS BACK!!!! i have also decided not to include gifs until we get to s3 content okay? okay. enjoy!

masterlist

You think about that night often, even though there have been plenty of others like it since. It was the breath of fresh air you so desperately needed. And while your relationship with Steve has made certain aspects of your life better, not all of them are so positively affected. 

The lump that forms in your throat every time you lie to your baby brother is especially difficult to swallow. You wonder if it will get any easier. Hopefully you won’t have to keep up the charade in front of the kids for much longer.

Especially now that Mike knows, that little shit. 

It had only been four days since Steve had suggested the idea of keeping the status of your relationship a secret. Four days. You still can’t believe it. 

The group was in the middle of a rather rousing round of Monopoly; Will had just sworn never to speak with Lucas again after a painful double mortgage incident. Steve, bankrupt from Max’s hotels and exhausted by their shenanigans, decided to leave a bit early. In traditional fashion, you made sure to see him out. 

Moments after the pair of you disappeared from the room, Dustin sent the Wheeler boy to grab extra sodas from the fridge in the garage. You’re lucky Mike closed the door when he entered; no one else heard him shout in surprise when he witnessed Steve give you a quick kiss goodbye. 

Your face flushed beet red in record time. Steve could’ve sworn his heart sank to the pit of his stomach. Mike has a habit of catching him in the act.

Thankfully it didn’t take much to convince Mike not to tell the others. He could tell how much it would mean to you to keep this quiet - a part of him understands why. It also helps that the boy would never want to disappoint you. Like all of the kids, they would hate to be the cause of grief in you. 

But keeping this from your brother is the toughest part. Mike knows first hand just how much Dustin wishes you two were together. It’s unfortunate he hasn’t figured it out himself yet; Mike thinks he probably never will.

But of course, now that’s the least of your worries. 

Billy Hargrove gets bored easily; it explains much of his behavior. When something, or someone, becomes a bit too dull for his taste, he feels the need to stir the pot. You are no exception. 

You’ve learned to ignore his posse’s comments in your direction when they walk by; Tommy’s sting a bit more than the rest. Normally, you’d love to fight back and embarrass him - it’s one of Steve’s favorite things about you. But now, Billy’s involvement makes you think twice before saying anything. After what happened at the Byers’, you never know what it could be that sets him off. 

Considering what happened last week, you’re certain something similar could occur again. 

Billy cornered you at your locker, spewing his usual comments. You were unnerved by his presence but able to keep your emotions in check as he leaned in closer; it was impossible not to catch the stench of cigarette smoke off his breath as he spoke. The hand he had broken months prior twinged in pain. 

In a moment of rage fueled by your silence, Billy fisted the collar of your sweater in his fingers. The fabric tightened against your neck as he said the damning line, “I could do it again, you know.”

The delicate knit of the yarn was stretched when he finally let you go. You threw that top into the dumpster as soon as you got home. You couldn’t bear to look at it anymore.

Steve wishes that you’d let him do something about Billy; you’re too frightened about what could happen if Steve confronted him. You would never risk letting your dream become a reality.

All that kept Billy from killing Steve that night was Max, had she not intervened. You’d thank her everyday if you could. 

Even though the little moments you do get to spend with Steve help calm your mind, your experiences from November still hang over both of your consciences. Steve just tries his hardest to make sure your conversations are Upside-Down free. He wishes you both could be normal teenagers again without these traumatic experiences haunting your every move. He misses not having to worry about that.

Looking for a way to blow off some steam and relax, you suggested a horror movie marathon to the kids. Since the final semester of your senior year began, you haven’t been able to spend as much time with them as you would like.

Max’s face lit up when you mentioned the idea; Dustin scowled. He hates scary movies. It seems ironic to you considering everything the group has been through. 

After sitting through Alien, the red-headed girl’s favorite, everyone decides to take a quick break before continuing. You and Steve are goofing off with Lucas and Max in the kitchen as the microwave’s working on the popcorn. Max just smiles as she watches you two interact. 

The pair of you are approaching almost three months of your relationship. In that time, your comfort with each other has grown exponentially. While you don’t express your feelings for each other in front of the kids, it becomes very apparent to Max how drastically different your dynamic is compared to when she first met you both. 

“I’m really glad you guys were able to sort things out,” She says before grabbing another bowl from the cabinet. 

“What are you talking about?” You ask, the smile on your face drooping slightly at her words, exchanging a quick glance with Steve before speaking again, “Sort out what?” 

Lucas continues before she can, leaning back against the counter, “Just... back when you guys were fighting. It must have been for something dumb if you got over it quick.”

That has Steve’s mind spinning for the rest of the night.

In your giddy excitement with one another, you both had completely forgotten about what happened between you two that week. It all seems like background noise compared to what followed.

But whatever it was that had you angry with him, it must not have been something dumb, he thinks. Not with the way you reacted.

The kids decide to move the activities over to the Wheelers’ after finishing The Shining - and you’re thankful they do. You and Steve don’t know how much more of Dustin’s unnecessary screams you could take.

“It’s not even that scary!” Will says as he opens the front door, turning back to your brother as the rest of the kids file outside. You throw Max’s coat to her before she forgets it.

“Did we watch the same movie?” Dustin answers as he pulls his backpack over his shoulder, his face stunned as he looks between you and Steve, “And he’s the one who looks like Danny Torrance!”

“Alright, alright,” Steve grabs the door from Will and he ushers them out, “Go on, get out of here.”

Mike runs back before it’s shut, looking over his shoulder to the others to make sure he wasn’t followed. His eyes peer through the crack as he steps onto the porch, a smug grin over his features as he lowers his voice, “If you two do anything weird in there-”

“Oho, that’s enough out of you,” Steve slams the door before Mike can continue, making an effort to lock it immediately after.

Your muffled laughter reaches his ears, turning to see where you’ve disappeared behind the couch to grab a pillow you’d thrown to try and silence your brother.

“You think his antics are funny, huh?” Steve asks, placing his hands on his hips as you pop back up, your eyes sparkling, “Clearly I enjoy them much more than you do.”

“He’s lucky we haven’t killed him yet.”

“Steven!”

“What?” 

You scoff lightly at him, tossing the pillow onto the couch before plopping yourself down, “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” 

Steve’s expression flattens as you look away from him, gaze not focused on anything in particular. The thoughts he’s been having about the rough patch you two experienced begin to overwhelm him. The unanswered questions regarding your aggression towards him make him anxious - Steve can’t stand it when you’re unhappy with him. 

It comes out before he can stop himself.

“You know, uh, what Max and Lucas mentioned earlier? About us?” Steve’s words make your brow furrow, confused as to why he’d bring it up. That seems like something he’d want to keep in the past, “Yeah, why?”

“I mean-” Steve exhales before sitting down next to you, his knee grazing yours, “I was mad ‘cause I thought that you’d been the reason Nancy...”

He stops for a moment, shaking the memory from his mind. He has no desire to bring his previous relationship into this one, “I don’t know, I guess you never mentioned why you were angry.” 

He just shrugs after trailing off, eyes focused on the carpet; Steve’s not able to look directly at you while he admits it, “It just doesn’t make any sense to me, that’s all.”

Your jaw clenches as you remember the cause of your anger and how it transformed you. It seems so stupid now, that his behavior towards you meant that he’d rejected your feelings. Turns out, it couldn’t have been further from the truth.

You push those thoughts away; you’re not interested in furthering the conversation any more.

“It’s not important,” You state plainly, also not able to meet his gaze, “Lucas was right, it was dumb.”

Tucking a piece of hair behind your ear, you re-adjust on the cushion, “Let’s forget about it, yeah?”

Steve shakes his head - he’s quickly growing tired of you dodging his questions, “No, I want to talk about it. I want to know.”

“Why do you care so much? It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Because I was an asshole to you and you just…” He trails off as he leans away, arm draping over the couch, “You just took it! You accepted it like nothing had ever changed, like nothing ever happened between us.”

You huff, back pressed against the arm rest, voice quiet, “Damn right nothing ever happened.”

You freeze, surprised at your own comment. You didn’t know that you were still holding onto aggression directed at his obliviousness to your true feelings. But Steve doesn’t catch on, he only grows more concerned at your response, “What the hell are you talking about?”

You take a deep breath, thankful that he didn’t seem to understand, effectively saving your ass from whatever this revelation could’ve caused. The room is silent as you move to the edge of the seat, “Like I said. We should forget about it.”

Steve scoffs, his fingers pressed against the bridge of his nose as you stand up, “I can’t believe you’re not going to tell me.” 

You don’t turn to look at him as you take a few steps, instead opting to push both hands through your hair as you answer, “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

“Maybe I do! What - is it so horrible that I want to know what made you mad at me?” He raises his voice and you turn towards him, desperately trying to calm your temper, “Steve-”

“So we’re keeping secrets now too, huh?” Steve says as he gets up too, arms crossed over his chest, “This whole thing’s under wraps anyways, why not bring that into the relationship? What a great idea. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, truly-”

“Oh my God, Steve-” You interrupt him, growing so impatient of him that you don’t even register what happens until it does, “Fine, you want to know?”

“Yes!”

“I thought that Nancy told you everything! Everything about how I felt.”

Your lip gets caught between your teeth as you cast your focus to the ceiling, hating how you can never seem to keep your emotions bottled up anymore - you used to be good at that.

“I must have been more obvious than I wanted because she had figured it out. That night at Tina’s party was when she finally felt confident enough to confront me about it. And I just…” You swallow the lump in your throat as you feel the tears start to burn behind your eyes. There was a reason you wanted to keep this away from him.

“I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed at her, Steve. I just screamed at her,” Your tone softens as you remember the words that you spit at her, guilt flooding you all over again, “I was so sick and tired of watching her pull away from you when you deserved someone who actually cared about you and I was right there! The whole fucking time!” 

“I thought that she told you about how I felt,” You mutter, shoulders slumping with embarrassment and shame, “I thought she told you and you had decided to reject me.”

Steve used to think that seeing you bloodied and beaten by Billy was the saddest he’d ever seen you. But seeing the look on your face as you realize what you’ve said - he’s not sure which one is worse. And it’s all because of him. 

He should have listened to your protests; you were right.

Steve doesn’t know what to say. 

Even though it’s only been official for a short amount of time, getting to be with you has been an absolute joy. It’s been perfect knowing that the sparks are mutual. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it again if they weren’t. Steve can tell there’s something different about why being with you feels so amazing and terrifying at the same time.

But the idea that you’ve kept your feelings locked away and hidden from him longer than he thought? That brings about a pain in his chest that’s greater than he’s ever had before.

“How - um, how long had it been since…” He doesn’t know how to finish - he’s not entirely sure if he wants to. He’s not sure he wants to know.

One tear hits your cheek, then another, “A year.”

Even though it’s whispered, it’s enough to make him dizzy. He sinks back onto the couch, his head in his hands as the information overwhelms him. The entire time that Nancy was lying to him, you were right by his side. 

You heard everything. 

He can’t believe that you just swallowed it - all the times that he gushed about her to your patient soul, telling you the plans on how he was going to ask her to the junior prom, mentioning how he thought she was the one for him. He can’t take it.

You still can’t look at him, it would be too much. Instead, you opt to pick at the sleeves of your hoodie, waiting for Steve to finally address what you admitted.

You grow impatient yet again, emotion scratching your throat, “Please just… say something.” 

It seems like hours pass although it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. 

“I can’t do this,” The sound of Steve’s keys being pulled from his pocket catches your attention. Your eyes finally snap up and he’s already moving quickly to the exit, and you brush hair from your face before following him, “Where are you going?”

“I don’t-” He pauses as he pulls on the handle, briefly looking over his shoulder in your direction - still not able to directly catch sight of you, “I don’t know. I just need to think.”

The photos on the wall shake as he slams the door; you force your face into your palms. 

It’s ruined, you’re sure of it. He can’t even be in the same room as you anymore. Maybe you’re not as good at keeping secrets as you thought. 

Steve’s filled with regret as soon as his fingers leave the doorknob. What the hell is he thinking?

His mind quickly flashes back to the argument you two shared that night on the train tracks; he had forgotten all about it until now.

“You’re the one who caused this mess in the first place.”

His jaw clenches.

“This whole time, I knew you never liked her.”

His exhale stops short. 

“You feel so threatened by her that you had to do something about it!”

His stomach churns.

The thought of you interpreting those words as further evidence of his rejection completely fills him with regret.

And then Steve remembers how willing you were to separate from him - it hits him that you didn’t believe he’d ever see you as anything other than a friend. The very notion of him being aware of your feelings had you shutting yourself away from him completely.

He has to go back in. He can’t leave you to believe those things. And although he doesn’t think apologizing would be enough this time, he at least has to give it a shot. For your sake

Steve’s about to shove the door back open when it locks from the other side. You’ve accepted that he’s not coming back in. Why would he want to?

A shallow breath gets pushed through your lungs; it doesn’t help to calm you. At he sound of the engine of his car running, a whimper passes your lips. You’re certain you’ve lost him again.

—

taglist: @stevebabey / @mrsukai / @hannarudick / @crazycookiecrumbles / @hellisateenageheather / @alewifex / @l0ve-0f-my-life / @naomiiiiiiiiiii04 / @daddystevee / @thecaptainsgingersnap / @let-the-imaginationflow / @asianravenpuff / @im-a-stranger-thing​ / @mikariell95​ / @pilunb​ / @harringtherin​ / @royalestrellas​ / @ultrunning​ / @buggs177 / @poutfull​ / @yoheyyosup​ / @duchessdaisybat​ / @janieavalos / @sassisaluxury​ / @beththebubbly​ / @i-bitch-you-bitch​ / @captainstilinskis​ / @juliebean247​ / @im-nada / @whatabeautifulsurrender​ / @rexorangecouny​ / @pass-me-jeez-it / @ahoy-scoops-troop / @halefirewarrior​ / @jointhehunt67 / @peanutem / @ketchuplukehemmo​ / @m-a-r-i-n-t-p / @fangirl485 / @emmegirl827 / @lookalivesunshine-x​ / @elite4cekalyma​ / @marjoherbo​ / @just-my-fandom / @idumpyourgrass​ / @alafolieee​ / @mochminnie​ / @phantomalchemist​ / @dustyblueboo​ / @alonewolfsblog​ / @ggclarissa​ / @hufflepuffing-all-day-long​ / @bippityboppitybabe​ / @readinthegarden12​ / @bakugouishusbando / @stxtch72 / @random-girl-army / @wisdaemon

wow there are so many of you

if you wanna be added to the taglist (of if you’ve changed your url), just lemme know!

[dancer-me]

2021 Fic Wrap Up

I was tagged by @onelonelytortillachip and @marjansmarwani, two wonderful authors and humans I met this year thanks to fic writing, AO3, and tumblr! Thank you both 💖

Total Number Of Completed Works: 6

Total Word Count: 132,342

Fandoms I’ve Written In: 9-1-1 and 9-1-1 Lone Star (for the cross-over fics!)

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected? Oh absolutely more, considering I had zero knowledge that I would ever get back into fic writing this year. The vibe snuck up on me and I'm very thankful for it! I expected to write a total of zero (0) words for non-academic purposes.

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year? Oh this is tough... I think it's Giving Up Ground (Part 2 of Chaotic Energy) because 1) it's my first longfic at 76k that I've completed in nearly a decade and 2) I really love how it turned out. Writing the characters and the action and the drama and the interaction in the comments I got from it was really so much fun.

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year? Biggest risk I'd say is getting back into writing fic at all. I haven't really written since I wrote for Naruto back in 2007-2014 (which HUGE gaps in between). I wasn't sure how it would go, but everyone who has interacted with me since has made me feel great about reviving this hobby of mine. In terms of risks, Chaotic Energy is the first time I've ever written a cross-over so that was scary. It's not THAT big of a jump because at least 9-1-1 and Lone Star operate in the same universe, but it still felt risky to write cross-over content for characters who haven't had that much canon interaction with each other.

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year? I want to finish my Chaotic Energy series and write a 9-1-1 Bodyguard AU that has been taking route in my brain. Maybe try to also write more smaller (<5k words) fics so when I try to write speculation fic I can actually finish it in time to still be partially relevant.

Most Popular Story Of The Year?  by kudos its Express to Nowhere (Part 1 of Chaotic Energy), my first multi-chapter fic in the fandom that I dearly love. By comments and hits, it's Giving Up Ground (Part 2 of Chaotic Energy), which gives me warm fuzzies since I believe this was the first time I ever successfully wrote a sequel to anything so I guess it's very true for me that detailed outlines make magic happen!

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion: Hmm... I think just from a hits and kudos POV I'd have to say Home Is Where You Are, my super fluffy buddie Christmas fic. It is seasonally specific and domestic fluff which are both things that are not really my brand, and there is very little action / drama / angst to accompany the romance which I like to think IS my brand, so I get it. That said - it's still pretty well loved I think for having posted it on anon for a few weeks! 🎄😊

Most Fun Story To Write: Oh hands down it was Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You. Creating Tucker Davies was an absolute blast, and I had a stupid grin on my face for most of the time I spent writing it. I also wrote this fic faster than I think anything I've ever done in the past which was exhilarating.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: I think I put a bit of myself into every fic I write in one way or another, but perhaps I'd pick Pull me Under, my 4x14 fic for this one. It had a lot of introspection and spiraling and misplaced responsibility, grief, and love in it. I visited some feelings while writing it.

Biggest Disappointment: Being shiny and new and having written comparably few works, I think I've been so lucky this year to not have many disappointments. I think I think I'm actually my biggest disappointment this year because I fell off the wagon updating my Chaotic Energy series somewhat regularly in November when life got busy and overwhelming for me and I feel like I let a lot of people down. I'm working on Chapter 2 right now though, so it's definitely not on hiatus at all I just... disappeared.

Biggest Surprise: Everything haha. That I wrote 132k when I didn't think I'd be writing anything at all, that so many people enjoyed my fics, that I even dared to write a cross-over fic SERIES, and also that my itty bitty fic Quarter Life Crisis is as popular kudos-wise as it is. I think it's cute and funny and I liked it, but I didn't expect it to really go anywhere in a sea of coda fics. I think maybe it's because it's a short one at <2k and those are easy to pick up and read?

My Favorite Part Of Fandom This Year: Getting involved in fandom in May and everything that came with it. All the new friends I've made on tumblr and discord, all the people I've interacted with in the comments of fics - you've made me so happy and really welcomed me into a space that has given me a lot of fun and joy this year. Thanks to all of you for being you and proving that the internet isn't just full of trolls - we have the good ones too!

Unsurprisingly I am late getting to this so I'm going to tag some people and anyone else who wants to participate! Just say I tagged you - I want to read what you wrote! If I tagged you and you already did one, maybe @ me in the comments so I can see yours? No pressure tagging @221bsunsettowers, @sadieyuki, @tinselbuck, @stellalore and @hopeintheashes.

[autumnleaves1991-blog]

Day 10: Used Tea Bags - Javier Pena

Day 10: Used Tea Bags - Javier Pena 

This takes place during season 3 of Narcos. Honestly I love season 3 Javier when he’s the boss and even more stressed and I just want to rub his shoulders and tell him it’s all going to be okay. 

Pairing: Javier Pena x reader 

Rating: 18+ language and implied sexual situations. 

November Writing Challenge Masterlist (Holy crap I am 1/3 of the way done!) 

Day 9: No, you don’t - Maxwell Lord 

It was late, the sounds of cumbia played through the open window from the bar down the street. The well worn kitchen table is covered in maps, half drunken cups of coffee, a chipped plate is covered in cigarette butts, some still smoldering, and on another is several used tea bags bleeding onto the plate. The world should be sleeping but not here, here there were plans to be made. 

Javier Pena kneeled next to the coffee table flanked by Trujillo, and Colonel Hugo Martinez on his left and Chris Feistl and Daniel Van Ness on his right. A map of Cali with different routes to the airport are highlighted. The Cali police force are crooked as hell so they needed a way around them, if they got in there and actually found Gilberto Rodriquez they needed to figure a way to get him out of Cali and back to Bogota without any corruption. The only way to do that was to plan everything in secret. 

You had been assigned to work with Javier upon his return to Columbia as his assistant. Everyone had warned you before he got there about Agent Pena, saying he was an asshole, womanizer, and should have gone to jail for his involvement with Los Pepes. But, you tried to go into it with an open mind. 

When you first introduced yourself the only thing that stuck out to you was how exhausted he looked and not just physically. His eyes held a weariness that couldn’t fade from only a good night's rest. He was reluctant at first to accept any help whether it be in the form of a cup of coffee, an ashtray, or a file he had left on your desk the night before. 

But you never gave up, always thinking one step ahead of him. You handed him a file before he even asked for it, you brought him lunch before he starved to death in his office, and you always knew when he was low on cigarettes because a new pack would appear on his desk. He tried to tell you he was quitting but you both knew that was bull shit. 

When Feistl and Van Ness made their connection to ‘Natalia’ the informant inside the Cali cartel things began to move quickly. It became apparent that they needed to work under the radar on this one. They needed to find somewhere they could meet but would also be discreet and before Javier could even asked you offered your apartment as ground zero for taking down Gilberto Rodriquez. The small government provided apartment wasn’t meant to hold more than maybe two people but over the past few nights it held at least ten at all times. Not only the Colonel, and Trujillo but Pena, the DEA guys, and several loyal members of Search Bloc. 

At this point you're sure your neighbors believe you’ve become a prostitute from the revolving door of men who come through your door during the night. Especially Senora Rivera who yesterday morning gave you a rosary before telling you she is praying that you don’t get any diseases from the men you keep company. What a charming neighbor she is. You're tempted to bake her some chocolate chip cookies and ask a few Search Bloc guys to deliver them but you know that will only make it worse. 

Javi is going over the plan for the twelfth time that night and you're in the kitchen making another pot of coffee. You yawn silently to yourself before pouring the steaming magic into the cups and putting them on the tray to bring them to the men in the living room. They nod there thanks and you return the gesture taking the remaining two cups over to the window and tapping lightly. On the fire escape are two armed Search Bloc members keeping their eyes open onto the street below. They take the cups gratefully before thanking you. 

“Estrella, can you come over here?” Javier calls you. 

You turn raising one eyebrow at the nickname but you don’t correct him, “Si, what’s up?” 

“I want you to sit down and listen to the plan, if there is anything you think we missed or does not add up I need you to tell me. People’s lives could be at stake if we make any mistakes.” 

Feistl sighs loudly running his hands over his face, “Pena why the hell are you going to explain this to her? She’s not going to understand any of this!” 

You have to bite your tongue before you say something you regret. Luckily the looks the other men give him are enough to shut him up. “Because idiot it’s good to get a fresh set of eyes on these things, and she can always see things before I even think them so sit down, shut up, and let her listen. I’m sorry Estrella, can you sit please?” he gestures to the seat across from him. 

You sit down and nod your head. Javier proceeds to go through the entire plan again. Describing the whole thing from beginning to end, it was truly brilliant to use a poultry truck to transport Rodriquez to the airport, no one would be looking for a poultry truck….Except for any of the crooked Cali cops that see him being arrested. 

You interrupt Javier, “What about two trucks?” 

“What do you mean Estrella?” 

You try to prevent the blush that is slowly creeping up your neck from the new nickname, “I mean using the poultry truck is brilliant but why not have two trucks a decoy to mislead them. Someone else can drive the other truck and lead the cops on a wild goose chase while the truck containing Rodriquez goes to the airport.” 

The Colonel grabs a new cigarette before lighting it, “that's’ damn genius, they will see the truck when we arrest Gilberto but they won’t know there are two. We get them to follow the wrong truck and we are in the clear,” he smiles at you, the first smile you had seen on his face. 

Javier is just about beaming at you from across the table and you listen for several more hours as they rework the plan to include your idea. When they finish each man feels like the best plan has been laid forward and they break up the group to go home. Tomorrow would be a big day for them all and they would need to be on the road to Cali by ten AM if they wanted their plan to work. 

You walk everyone to the door, and as they leave one by one they thank you for the use of your apartment until they are all gone except for Javier and Fiestl. “Hey boss, are you leaving soon? I want to have a private talk with our hostess,” Fiestl asks gesturing with his thumb toward you.  

You frantically shake your head no begging Javier not to leave you alone with the DEA agent, “Actually I have some more things to finalize before we leave tomorrow, just ignore me it will be like I’m not even here,” he smirks at you and you are half tempted to walk across the room and slap the smirk off his face. 

Chris turns to you, “So uhm listen, I know that this is all really scary for you, but I want to let you know that we are all going to be ok. And I was kind of wondering when we get back if you’d like to go out and get a drink?” 

You try not to let the cringe show on your face, “Oh uhm Chris, thank you but I don’t really drink and uhm…” you're trying to think of some other excuse when you lock eyes with Javier across the room. Gone is the smirk and instead you see something dark in his eyes, unwavering, and you know what to say, “I’m actually already with someone else, it’s not really a public thing but I’m really serious about him.” 

Chris’s right arm comes up to scratch the back of his head, and he lets out an awkward chuckle. “It’s ok, you don’t have to lie to me. I understand.” 

“I’m not lying. This guy he...he drives me crazy, he’s better than any drug on the market I...I’m already taken, I’m his.” You can feel the burning gaze of the man on the couch and it takes all your strength not to look at him, 

Chris lowers his head nodding before turning towards the door turning at the last moment to say, “he’s a lucky man then, goodnight,” before he leaves shutting the door behind him. 

You don’t turn away from the door scared to death of what you will see behind you. You are so focused on keeping your breathing level you don’t notice Javier has gotten up and is now behind you. You let out a small yelp when he spins you around to face him. “Did you mean it?” His voice is raspy and deep from years of smoking and his cologne is deep and strong in your lungs. 

You're worried your voice will betray you but you need to get this out, “Yes...you do drive me absolutely insane, but we both know what’s been going on here, I’m yours...I’ve always been yours,” you whisper. 

The hands on your waist slide against your lower back pulling you even closer to him. You can smell the smoke, and coffee on his breath and you try to calm down your heartbeat but it’s useless when he looks you in the eyes and says, “mine.” 

You crash together, his mouth is fused to your own and every single one of your senses is screaming Javier. His taste, his touch, his smell it’s all overwhelming and you cry out when you feel him grope your breast through your shirt. His lips move towards your neck and begin nipping as his tongue tracing along the same path to the curve of your ear, “bedroom?” The raspy question breaks you from the haze and you pull him towards the small bedroom. 

The whole way your lips never break from his skin even though you both aren’t the most graceful and when you both land in the bed with a small grunt that’s the last discomfort you felt for the night, from then on it was all pleasure. 

When the sunlight streams through the sheer curtains the next morning, illuminating the bed in the warm glow of the morning. Rough calloused fingers trace patterns over the top of your exposed back and you smile before nuzzling yourself further in the warmth of Javier’s chest. He smells like smoke, leather, and cologne; an intoxicating combination. 

“I have to leave soon,” his voice is raspy and heavy from sleep. 

“I know...but I really wish you didn’t have too,” you tell him, pulling back to look into his eyes, “but when you come back you will be the man who took down Gilberto Rodriguez.”

“This better work,” he sighs, “or else I will probably be sent back stateside, I messed up once already, they aren’t going to let me do it again.” 

“You're going to succeed! Don’t be so defeatist, your amazing at what you do your-” 

“Would you come with me?” he asks so quietly you almost don’t hear him. 

“What?” you whisper. 

He takes a few minutes to collect himself before he asks again, “if I get sent home, would you come with me back to Texas? I...I am not the same person I was when I first came here. Yes, I drink too much, I smoke too much, and I can be a real asshole but I’ve never been shy about what I want. I want you Estrella.” 

You have to remind yourself to breathe before you close your eyes letting out a small sigh, “Yes, yes I would go with you Javi. Remember what I said last night? I’m yours.” 

He pulls you back towards his chest, putting a finger underneath your chin and fusing your lips together he only pulls back once to repeat the same thing he told you the night before, “mine.” 

Day 11: Walking the dog- William Miller 

[stray-kids-react]

Polaroid

Han x Fem. Reader Soulmate au

Warnings - Swearing, mentions of sex, and Fluff that'll make you cry.

Masterlist

...

Y/n's pov, November 27 2020

My mother once told me that I will know when I'm in love, she never specified what hints will cross my path... She just said I'll know.

As a young adult now, sharing an apartment with my close friend Yeji. I'm starting to become impatient with this whole game of love, why can't I just get told who is my perfect match. I'm so tired of having my hopes risen up and then crashed down onto my heart... Breaking it each time.

"Any plans today?" Yeji asked from the kitchen, making me cringe at the word plans.

I just was still recovering from a terrible break up, where I caught the supposedly love of my life slurping the life out of his assistants pussy. I won't forget the feeling of my heart completely stopping for a few seconds, as my mind told me to run and not look back.

"Yes actually, I have a date with Netflix and the leftovers in the fridge." I replied, slyly smirking as she stared at me like a worried mother.

"Well Netflix isn't going to have to wait for his turn. Because I have this guy who is really interested you and is a total sweetheart." She sighed, showing me a photo of the guy she was trying to set me up with.

"Yeah... No." I replied, beginning to retreat back to my room.

"Y/n! JISUNG TOLD ME!" Yeji announced, catching my attention from the front of my bedroom door.

"I-it's still a no Yeji." I whimpered, shutting the door harshly behind me as she sighed in defeat.

Yeji's pov

She needs to get out of this place, it's been two weeks now. All over a guy she barely even knew, I know the true reason she is hiding and she will never admit it.

Y/n is scared to see his face again, our best friend Han Jisung. The best friend that she happened to fall in love with, and moved away from after she got accepted into the university of her dreams.

They were never just best friends in anyone's eyes, not even there own. Yet they both tried to fill in the whole in their heart with other people, never realizing that all they had to do was just say three difficult words.

Y/n was in a hurry to find her perfect partner after I found mine, the man next door with the matching tattoo on his wrist. Your tattoo shows up when you are over the age of 19 and are near your soulmate, it shows up on your wrist, neck, or shoulder blade.

She didn't want to see Jisung in case that tattoo never came, they both wouldn't be able to handle the realization. But it is a part of life, and I'm not going to let my best friends live alone when they could have a chance to be in love and happy.

Han wanted to see us both while he was visiting the city, even though he knew the risk of utter devastation. That fake profile was just a set up so that she would finally meet up with Han, and she probably already knew about my plans.

I walked up to her door cautiously, gently brushing my knuckles against her door.

"Y/n... I know why you are actually upset."

Y/n pov

"Because of Han Jisung." I answered, brushing past the old childhood photos saved on my phone.

"I know that's what you were going to say Yeji, and you're right. I know I won't be able to take it if the guy I love isn't the one for me, and that all of those nights alone with him that are coded into my brain are worthless. I'm scared Yeji, I'm scared that I won't be able to think of most of my life without tearing up." I explained, as she plopped down on my bed next to me.

"You're fear will just get worse until you find out, you'll never know the result until you actually try." She replied, placing my head on her shoulder for comfort.

I let out a shaky breath as a couple tears streamed down my cheeks, she was right as usual. But I still needed at least one day to prepare myself.

"Fine, but let me rest today. I'm not going to fancy restraint with puffy eyes and bed head." I remarked, watching as a sly smile spread across her lips.

She slowly began to exit my bedroom, delighted that she finally got her way with me. Not even explaining who that fake date even was, probably just a random guy from Google. It was 11:30 at night, and all of my crying really wore the energy out of my body and mind.

So eventually sleep crossed paths with my mind and hooked up, completely losing consciousness as my memories flashed like a polaroid camera.

December 15th 2018

"I can't believe we're graduating this year, seems like we only started high school yesterday." Jisung sighed, carrying both of our bags while walking home together.

"Don't worry quokka, you'll still carry my bags for me even after high school." I teased, pinching the reddened skin of his cheeks.

"Oh very funny, and you'll still put crackers in your mouth and pretend to be a walrus." He remarked dodging the snowball that came his way.

He set my bags down on my front yard as he gathered his own army of cold fluff balls. I tackled him to the ground as we both drowned the silence in laughter, I traced my frosted mittens across his face. Gently crossing his lips as he brushed the snow chunks from my hair.

The close warmth of his breath against my face sent my heart into a frenzy, I secretly craved the closeness of him... But I never wanted to admit it in case I'd lose him.

His now glossed lips looked so kiss able, the way they pouted as he focused on my hair. And how they stretched into a warm smile that left a fuzzy feeling in my heart for years, made it only harder to stop myself from interlocking them with mine.

"I better get going bun bun. I'll see you tomorrow at school though." Jisung reassured, lightly booping my nose as he left his trail from my snowy front yard. Waving one last time to catch my attention as I was at the front door.

"Farewell loser!" He shouted, showing off that bright smile of his.

"Farewell to you as well, asshole!" I retorted, giggling as I walked into my empty house all alone.

November 28th 2020

Y/n pov

"Wake up! Time for bubble tea!" Yeji screamed, jumping on top of me as she consistently hit me with my own pillows.

"I thought we were meeting Jisung later." I sighed, looking at the red numbers of my alarm clock reading 7:30am.

"Yes we are, but I want bubble tea and to talk with you about some stuff I found out." Yeji replied, pulling me out of bed to soon push me into the washroom.

I complied to her excited energy, understanding it is pretty exciting for her.

The steaming water swallowed every inch of my skin, blocking out all of the noises outside. Only leaving me and the blank wall to stare at, droplets of water racing against each other. A flash of the mirror and sunlight clashing, sending the flash of a polaroid to my memories.

August 16th 2018

Yeji squealed as her boyfriend threw her into the pool, soon joining her in a large cannonball jump. All of his friends danced around with liquor drenching their breath, as their bodies clashed together in ways they didn't fully understand.

It wasn't my style of fun, it instead gave me a wave of fear and stress. Not recognizing any of these people, while they danced around half naked. Yeji's boyfriend decided that she had enough fun for one night, and took her home to rest.

I hurriedly gathered my belongings and rushed out the door, just as excited and horny shouts came from the pool. I was okay to walk home alone, it felt nice to be surrounded my silence for once. Even if my conscious tortured me about every bad possibility.

"Need a drive home party animal?" a familiar voice called from across the road, that voice of the man who has always had my back.

"I'd actually really like that." I replied, feeling a wave of comfort when I entered the car.

"I can tell your a bit freaked out." He sighed, throwing his bad into the backseat.

"That party was just... A lot. A lot more than I expected." I whimpered, still a bit overwhelmed from the experience.

"How about you stay at my place for the night. We'll even watch some American horror story..." Jisung suggested, even though he was shit terrified of anything remotely scary.

"I'm holding you to it quokka." I giggled, slapping his thigh teasingly.

We drove to his home as the car filled with a random playlist of songs, one landing on my favorite 'Turning Page'.

"I didn't know you liked this song." I commented, blushing softly at the tone of the song.

"I want this to be the song that represents me and my soulmate. It sounds cheesy, but it's true." He revealed, glancing my way as the car stopped in the from of his home.

The whole topic of soulmates use to be humorous to me, remembering when me and Han drew matching docks on our palms as 'our' symbol. Even taking a polaroid photo of the amazing art we drew, I still have it in my phone case.

Then it hit me, how much it would hurt to see him destined with someone other then me. That moment when he glanced back into my eyes with a shy smile, is when I admitted to myself for falling madly in love with my best friend.

November 28th 2020

I walked along the streets of our home town, hanging my mask off my chin when sipping my bubble tea.

"You know what's crazy." Yeji started, catching my focus immediately.

"I remember the moment you started crushing on Jisung. You didn't even have to tell me, I already knew." She admitted, gazing at me with only a soft warmth in her eyes.

"It was obvious by how many photos you had of him and you on your wall, and the way you looked at him as if he were your dream person." She continued, texting something on her phone that I couldn't quite see.

"Or how when he caught you staring he'd reply with 'take a picture it'll last longer'... And you always did to get revenge. I will never forget the day I saw you two as more then best friends, that was the same day when I bought you that polaroid camera for Christmas. " She replied, taking a short break as her hands nervously fidgeted with her skirt.

"That's why I want a 'thank you' later on." She mumbled, before running off and leaving me completely stunned on the bench.

"Y/n..."

September 14th 2018

"It's crazy that this is your last day here." I sighed, trying my best not to cry.

He nodded trying to smile the pain away like me, but soon caving in once his arms met my body. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck, hoping I could capture his scent one last time.

"I'll still visit. I can't cope without seeing your face, asshole." He chuckled lightly, sniffling quietly when he retracted his arms away.

He stared at my features for a few long seconds, as if he was contemplating on doing something. Jisung shook his head, smiling brightly once more as he pulled me into one last hug.

As he put his palm on the door knob, I shouted his name one last time. Running across the room towards him, he turned around immediately dropping his bangs on the ground.

He instantly knew what I was going to do, since his lips molded with mine without one ounce of hesitation. His hands lost in my hair, pulling me closer and closer until there was no space between us. Jisung's lips were so much sweeter and softer then any other kiss I've had.

The sweetness was sprinkled with the salty taste of our mixed tears. Only creating more as the kiss began to end, both of us realizing we should've told each other so much sooner.

"I love you." We both sighed at the same time, smiling sadly at the bittersweet sting in our hearts.

November 28th 2020

"Jisung..." I gasped, turning around quickly to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

"W-wow... You've really. Wow." He stuttered, cautiously inching closer towards me.

"You too." I chuckled airily, swallowing back my tears. I missed him so much, but it hurt too much to see him at the same time.

"Y/n... I know it's been a while. But I honestly came here because I needed to see you. I still love you, and I don't care if we're soul mates or not. I'll sharpie our own symbol on us everyday if I have to." He revealed, grasping my hands between his own.

"I'm sorry that I was being so selfish." I sighed, caving into my own tears. Regretting my fears of seeing him again, feeling terrible for torturing him just as much as I tortured myself.

"We are both scared. It's not our fault, but I just want us to accept that things may not go our way. But that won't stop us from being together." He reassured, lightly brushing frosted his mitten across my features. Glossing over my lips gently, his eyes warm and gentle as they fluttered shut.

I molded into his kiss immediately, lacing my fingers through his silky hair. Soon pulling him closer to my so there was no space between us, making sure no one could try and ruin this moment for us.

His lips still were as sweet as the first time they molded into mine, and his fingertips could still make my legs give out by how gentle they were against my skin. Every emotion flashed through my mind, all my regrets, confidence, love, lust... It all flashed just like a...

"Polaroid." He gasped, tugging my palm next to his as the ink slowly traced the same picture into my palm. The picture of the camera that captured all the moments I treasured with my soulmate, the soulmate that was everything I could've asked for.

[misskatebishop]

Make my messes matter

Word count: 2090

Pairing: Steve x Tony

Warning: Hurt/Comfort.

Summary: Tony has a bad day at home and Steve comforts him.

Tony rests his head against the cold metal, holding tightly his bag against his chest. He closes his eyes while the music fills his surroundings. It’s almost midnight and he has nowhere to go. Nowhere to sleep. Tony feels the tears prick his eyes, biting his lower lip to not allow a sob to come out. He’ll not cry. Not anymore.

He didn’t do anything wrong, but Howard never believes him. Not surprising, though. Yet, being kicked out of the house wasn’t something he was expecting. Of course, he had plans to move out from his parents long ago, but he’d never put them in order. He hoped that he would have more time. More time to build and secure life for himself. A life where he wouldn’t need Howard’s money to survive. But at 18, life isn’t what anyone expects it to be.

It’s a funny and ironic story that he wanted to grow up when he was a kid, and now he wishes he was a kid again. He wishes he didn’t have to worry so much or feel so overwhelmed at such a young age. But he’s Tony Stark and people expect better of him. They expect too much when all Tony wants is to work on his own projects. He wasn’t ready to assume a high post in his father’s company. Not yet. There was so much he wanted to do.

So many places to go. So many things to see, to listen to, to touch, to know. He didn’t want to spend his life in an office, barking orders around, filing paperwork. He wanted so much more to himself. Of course, Howard couldn’t see it that way. He said he was tired of Tony’s excuses to assume his place in the world, he was tired of having supported him his entire life, just for Tony to refuse when he’s offered the post of director in the R&D department. In fact, he’s tired of Tony. He’s been tired of his son long ago. And Tony was tired of living from crumbs. Crumbs of love. That’s not what life is supposed to be.

After Maria’s death, things just got worse. Howard became a constant burden on his shoulders, always asking and demanding more of him. As if he could never be enough. As if Howard had fed him his entire life just to reap the fruits of his work now. As if Tony owes him an entire life and that he should be paying back now. Tony couldn’t see an exit to himself. He couldn’t see a light out of that. He felt like a bird constantly locked in a cage. Unable to sing his beauty. To become what he was born to: fly freely. Spreading beauty in the world.

But Howard could never understand the meaning of such simple words as no, or I’m not ready or give me more time. He crushed Tony into expectations that he may never be capable of achieving. It hurts. So after being hit, insulted, mocked, he was done, then Howard screamed for him to get the hell out of his house. His house, he emphasized. After all, Tony couldn’t be more than a mere tenant living under his father’s roof while he worked out his life.

Fuck.

He’s so fucked up.

The automatic voice sounds inside the train, letting him know that he will descend in the next station. Tony sighs, looking at the empty wagon. There is some freedom in it, to be able to walk away and don’t look back. To be able to follow his own path. But for an eighteen-year-old, unemployed, and who just had graduated, freedom is always frightening. There isn’t any expectation of life. What could he do? He’d had to work his way out of this. To start job-hunting, and conciliate it with his master’s degree, which he just had been admitted to. Scary. Terrifying. So lost.

No prospect of life. No home. Just a few banknotes and his credit cards in his wallet. A couple of clothes in his bag. Nothing to offer. Why would someone take pity on him? Why would someone take him in?

Tony tucks his headphones inside his bag, holding on a post as the rails brakes, the sound is almost comforting for the fact that tonight he has a destination in mind. Tomorrow, he will think about somewhere else. But for tonight, he prays that he can count on Steve.

For his misfortune, Howard chose to kick him out at the moment that his closest friends were far away. He didn’t know Rhodey’s location since he was on a mission for the Air Force, and Pepper was in Vancouver for the next three months. He had nowhere to go, but Steve’s.

Tony was afraid of how Steve would react when he knocked on his door at… Tony glances down at his phone, 12:41 a.m. He had hung out with Steve before, he could say that they were friends. Steve is a good friend, actually, but Tony feels more for him than he’s able to voice and since he had embarrassed Steve at a party weeks ago, when he vomited on his shoes after drinking too much, then told him he loved him in front of everyone since then Tony hasn’t answered his calls or texts until he finally stopped receiving them.

Fate is a bitch, though, and here he is asking for shelter for the very same man.

Tony strides through the streets of Brooklyn, he doesn’t know the neighborhood very well, but he knows where Steve’s building is. Tony gasps, rubbing his hands together to warm them up a little bit. It’s November, but the weather gets especially cold at night. He can see his breath whenever he exhales. Tony hurries up the stairs, getting breathless easily due to his heart condition. At least, he’d remembered to pack his medication, only enough for the next two months, though.

Because being homeless and unemployed is not enough in his list of failures, he also had to have a chronic illness.

Tony stops before the door with the number 13. He raises a fist, taking a deep breath. Steve must be sleeping, and he hates the fact that he is about to disturb him. Tony looks at the stairs again, thinking that he could wait there until morning, but Steve would be mad if he knew that Tony didn’t call him. Tony knocks hard. Harder than he should. Maybe, he should call Steve’s phone, although, after weeks without any news from him, it would look weird. It was already weird standing here in the middle of the night after confessing. Tony raises a fist again, wondering if Steve would really get up and check the door but before he could knock again, the door opens.

“Tony?” Steve frowns, staring at him. He rubs his beautiful eyes. Tony feels helpless, unable to acknowledge the emotions in his features, he can’t tell what Steve might be thinking just looking at his face.

“Steve, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, I-” Tony starts to say.

“You didn’t. I was watching a movie,” Steve says, looking at both sides of the corridor before stepping aside. “Come in.”

Tony does. Steve locks the door behind him, throwing the keys on the kitchen counter. His apartment is small, but it’s cozy and it serves Steve well. It feels warm inside here.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Steve takes Tony's bag from his shoulder, putting it on the couch. Tony sees a movie he doesn’t know playing on the TV and a blanket and cushions on the couch. “Are you hurt?” Steve’s blue eyes scan him from top to bottom.

“No. I-I am fine,” Tony assures him.

“C’mon here. You must be cold,” Steve goes to the kitchen, and Tony follows him timidly. “It’s still hot, I made it minutes ago.” Steve hands him a mug filled with hot chocolate. It smells so good and tastes incredible when Tony takes a sip. “Nothing better than hot chocolate to warm you up,” Steve smiles.

Tony agrees, adding in his mind that there’s nothing better than hot chocolate to push away the distress in his chest. Tony rubs his eyes, feeling them dry for the fact that he had cried earlier, and Steve must’ve noticed how red and swollen they are because he asks again:

“What happened, Tony?”

Tony ponders if he should tell the truth or just invent an excuse. He ends up with the truth because it’s Steve, and he hates lying to Steve.

“My father kicked me out. I have nowhere to go.”

Steve looks… He doesn’t know how Steve looks. Pitiful? Sad? Relieved? It’s hard to know. Steve is only three years older than him; they met in an art exposition months ago in the National Academy School of Fine Arts. Pepper is passionate about Arts, and she dragged Tony along that day. It was his lucky day that Steve was exposing his work there, they ended up talking and exchanging phone numbers. After that, Tony asked him out to a few parties, one of which embarrassed Steve in front of everyone. He couldn't forget about that. But nothing really happened between the two of them, except for some stares and slight brushing of hands.

“I’m sorry, Tony.”

“I don’t wanna bother you, but--”

“Of course you can stay, Tony,” Steve cuts him off, walking in his direction.

“Oh,” Tony lets out when Steve's big arms wrap around him, pulling him into a hug. “It feels nice.” Well, Tony didn’t have the intention to say it out loud. He steps back, breaking the hug. “I-I-” what?

“Yes, it felt nice, too,” Steve looks almost fond of him, but… Tony didn’t want to get attached. He couldn’t, what if Steve didn’t love him? Tony feels already loveless. He couldn’t bear the thought of being fed with crumbs again.

“Thanks,” Tony says, he passes through Steve to wash his now empty mug. “I really appreciate it. I didn’t think you would take me in after that party.”

Steve comes to his side, a frown on his face.

“What? Why?”

“I-I embarrassed you in front of everyone. I literally threw up on your shoes, then I--” Tony stutters nervously because he always feels nervous next to Steve. The blond always gives him butterflies in the stomach, he just can’t help it.

“Oh, no. Why,” Steve shakes his head, looking confused. “Why would you think that, Tony? You almost passed out. You leaned on me all the way back. Why would you think I was mad at you?”

“Why would you not?” Tony blurted out. “You took me to my house, and I--” Tony breathes deeply. “I thought I had embarrassed you in front of your friends, I made a scene, and I told you--” he stutters. “I-I didn’t want to make it weird to you. I understand if you--” Tony shakes his head, gulping. He couldn't help but frown when Steve laughed.

“I was more worried about you than embarrassed. Trust me, Tony. You didn’t call me to tell me you were okay the next morning. I was worried. You didn’t answer my calls either. I thought you had changed your mind about what you said,” Steve sounds… sorrowful.

Tony blinks. He really thought Steve was mad at him, he really thought… Did he really misunderstand it all? It wasn’t possible, right? Steve was just being his usual self, kind and nice. He couldn’t really...

“Wait, you…” Tony points to Steve.

“You didn’t embarrass me,” Steve shrugs. “I love you, too. I called to tell you that but you didn’t answer me.”

“I--”

Tony wraps his arms around Steve’s neck, tiptoeing to reach his lips, aware of Steve’s hands sliding to his waist to support him. Tony tastes the hot chocolate in Steve’s mouth, and it somehow suits him because Steve smells like home. Everything about Steve is cozy, lovely, and adorable. Tony feels a warmth flowing through his body, the feeling of safety invades him. He knows he can trust Steve, somehow, he knows, he wants to believe that Steve will not abandon him. Perhaps, that’s a love that he can let himself get attached to.

Steve breaks the kiss, still keeping Tony in his tight embrace.

Tony rests his head against Steve’s chest. “You can stay for as long as you need, Tony,” Steve kisses the top of his head. “It’ll be okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

[buckthegrump]

IBTHNTTTY - 11

Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Y/n hates Bucky Barnes. Absolutely loathes him what makes it worse is that she has to share her office with him. Now with a promotion on the horizon she has to find a way to work with him and not against him.

Word Count: 1453

Warnings: swears, angst, a bad date, minor violence,

A/n: well it couldn’t last forever could it

Sunday morning, the fever broke, and Y/n was able to keep food down. Bucky stuck around until noon before she forced him out of the apartment. She didn’t like that he’d seen her in such a vulnerable state, it gave him too much power in their relationship, and Y/n was all about balance.

However, she did thank him, and she would thank him again when she saw him at work. But today was Sunday, and she had half a day of her weekend left. Did she spend that time relaxing and enjoying what little was left of her weekend? No. She was working on her proposal for the project she was working on with Bucky. 

Monday came and went, and Y/n did thank Bucky and apologized again. Bucky claimed that he wasn’t bothered by the change in plans, said otherwise he’d have to spend that time with his friends, and they were pissing him off. Y/n didn’t believe him, but she probably would have ended up in the hospital for dehydration had he not been there.

* * *

“Hey, boss?” Peter stuck his head in the doorway.

“Come on in, Peter.” Y/n turned her attention away from the computer and looked at the boy. “What’s up?”

“So -” he said slowly.

“You found another job, didn’t you?”

Peter grimaced then nodded. “Yeah -” Y/n sighed, “But I have a friend, her name is Michelle, and she loves books, and I told her that there would be a job opening soon. So I have her resume and cover letter here ready for you -”

While Peter was running at a million miles an hour, Bucky had walked over to his desk. 

“And she’s a really hard worker, and I think you’d really like her!”

“Peter,” Y/n cut him off, “hand me her stuff, and I’ll give her a call.”

Despite not meaning right at that second, Peter rushed back to his desk and returned in a flash. Deciding not to make fun of him, she simply thanked him.

“So, where’s your new job?”

Peter rocked onto his toes, his smile widened to an almost creepy degree. “Stark industries! I don’t know what happened, but I got a call a few days ago to go in for an interview. I thought I was gonna get someone from HR but the Tony Stark.”

A smile slowly appeared on Y/n’s face, “Well, I can’t exactly be upset that you’re following your dream, can I?”

She was slightly surprised when Peter threw his arms around her, but she hugged him back nonetheless.

“But I don’t start there until the first of November,” Peter said as he pulled away, “So I am still yours until then.”

“Well then, go get me a dozen doughnuts,” she said, completely teasing.

But before she could remind him that she was joking, he was out the door.

“And you say I abuse my power,” Bucky muttered.

Y/n smiled at him while flipping him the bird.

* * *

Y/n had only been on a few dates with Brock, and while he was a nice enough dude, she got an odd vibe from him. She was fully aware that she didn’t have any real experience with her own relationships. But her intuition was the one thing that had never let her down.

She sat down for her most recent date with Brock, instantly there was a pit in her stomach. And as Brock continued to talk, she retreated deeper and deeper inside herself. There was this overwhelming sense that if she didn’t get out of there soon, she never would. 

But Brock was talking about himself nonstop, about his work and how he was the best at his job, and how he was a shoo-in for a promotion coming up. He never once stopped talking about himself, nor did it even cross his mind to ask her anything about her day. Or week. Now that she was thinking about it, he never went out of his way to ask her a question about herself.

And she had still liked him? He had sold himself so well and been so charming that she hadn’t realized that he didn’t care at all about what was going on in her life. So obviously, he was a serial killer. Ok, that might be an overreaction, but she’d listen to too many true crime podcasts to be fooled by this clown.

At one point during the meal, she excused herself to the bathroom. Leaving early crossed her mind. Just slipping out while she was on her way to the bathroom, she couldn’t bring herself to do it because of the way she was raised. Oh, but she should have.

But she didn’t. So, she was less than surprised when Brock grabbed her. He spun her around and pressed her up against the wall. His breath assaulted her nostrils, making her gag a little. He had a predatory smile on his face as he looked at her.

“What are you doing?” The breath she let out was shaky, and her voice broke.

“Don’t play that game,” he said smugly, “I know you wanted me to follow you back here. I know that you want this.”

His fingers ran down her cheek as if he was caressing a lover. Slipping her hand into her bag, she hadn’t trusted Brock enough to leave at the table, she found her pepper spray quickly. And was even quicker about pulling it out and spraying Brock directly in the face.

Putting all the force she could behind it, she shoved him away from her. He stumbled backward and fell to the floor. Not giving him a second glance, she rushed away from him.

Tripping over her own feet, she finally made it out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk. She had been too preoccupied to even think about the bill or how she might’ve looked crazy as she rushed out of the building.

Y/n walked down the street in a daze. 

She hadn’t realized that she was crying until she reached up to scratch her face. 

“Get it together, Y/n,” she whispered.

Her phone started ringing. She sent up a silent prayer, but she didn’t know what she was praying for. The name that lit up her screen was Bucky. For some reason, probably her illogical brain, which told her to just ignore what’d just happened to her, she swallowed her tears and answered the phone.

“Hello?” She willed her voice to not crack.

“Hey, I had a question about what you wanted to do about the cover design of that book, is now an ok time?” He paused for a millisecond. “Oh shit, you had a date tonight. I’m sorry -”

“Not, it’s fine,” she said, and her voice betrayed her. You couldn’t keep it together for a minute?

“Y/n, what’s wrong?”

Now that her mask had melted away, she started crying again. The answer that came out of her was incomplete and tearful.

“Send me your location, I’m coming to get you,” he said.

“Binky -” she hadn’t meant to call him that. It just slipped out.

“Don’t argue with me.” She didn’t. “Did you want me to stay on the phone with you?”

“Mmhmm,” she said. After sharing her location, she put the phone back to her hear and simply listened to the background noise of him moving around.

Neither of them spoke. She stood there next to a street lamp, half-listening to Bucky, half paying attention to what was going on around her. 

A few minutes later, Bucky pulled up to the sidewalk.

Y/n didn’t expect Bucky to get out of his car. But he parked next to the sidewalk, illegally, and got out of his car. Y/n hung up the phone and put it back in her purse. Rushing around the car, he met her on the curb.

“Are you ok?” He placed his left hand on her arm while his right cupped her cheek and wiped her tears away. She nodded. “Sunflower -”

“I’m fine,” she insisted.

“Was it that douche you were on the date with?” Her silence seemed to be answer enough for him. “I’ll kill him.”

Y/n’s hand went to Bucky’s hand that was on her face. “No, will you just - will you take me home?”

Bucky pulled her into a hug and wrapped his arms around her shoulder. She squeezed his waist, not really wanting to let go.

“Of course,” he answered.

But now she was a little regretful that she’d even asked the question. Purely because she could’ve stayed in his arms a lot longer. His arms felt safe, he felt safe. And that was a scary feeling.

[checkerflats]

Haven't been on tumblr in a long time. Felt like this was a decent place to write since nobody I know really uses tumblr anymore. I wanted to talk about my journey over the last few years and tumblr feels private enough a place to do so.

I moved to Florida 3 years ago (well as of this upcoming March) and at first life was decent. I tried to acclimate myself, stay healthy, positive, supportive, etc. At some point during that first year, I became incredibly depressed, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed trying to support myself (I did have a good friend group to help me) but down the line I had convinced myself I had a plan and that it was 'my plan, I thought of it' so instead of talking to the people I cared about and loved, I continued to try to do things in my own way.

A belief is a thought you have that you like. My belief was that I was the only one who could tell me what to do. And I never told myself to shut up and listen to people; realize they're saying what they're saying because they care. I became toxically selfish. I started judging my friends and peers opinions, being an asshole, being inconsiderate to everyone around me, unwilling to talk about my issues (and if I did I sounded like a narcissistic twat), etc.

To make a long story short, I resulted to drinking to cope with my overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. This isnt an excuse. It's just what happened. It in no way makes my behavior acceptable. In fact, anyone who knows me and how I act when drinking changes my thinking patterns would attest that it's only ever made anything worse. Even days or weeks without doing so, it affects me on such a negative level that negativity is the only lense through which I view the world and its inhabitants. I become the definition of nihilistic.

This led me to losing my friends, my loved ones, my job, housing, and ultimately respect from others and respect for myself. It was devastating and I did it to myself. After July of 2019 I started to refrain from drinking and honestly believed I had become the best version of myself. I got a new apartment, job, new friends who have still supported me to this day, albeit, upon making these leisurely friends who wanted to be wild, I felt I should--I wanted to participate. It was fun for a minute, and I was sober for about a month or two..

I'd begun to drink with them every now and then, never alone or at home, never two days in a row. I thought I could be a casual drinker. However, these friends and I stopped drinking for the most part, and begun to do a lot of acid (one thing I wouldn't say is neccesarily bad or addictive, in moderation) and a LOT of xanax. I started to learn a whole new meaning of 'fucked up' and went downhill faster than Jack and Jill could even imagine, baby!

By December, a friend and I decided we'd start doing cocaine. Fuck it, right? That got bad quick. It only lasted about 2 months on and off until we realized how crazy it was and that we needed to actually save our money (and sanity) so we stopped. By this point (March/April of 2020) I'd stopped doing everything other than weed. That inevitably led me straight back to drinking. This time it was everyday again, alone, at home, you get the point. When coronavirus hit I lost my job, couldn't find another anywhere therefore couldnt afford rent, was constantly in scary situations for 2 months (drunk), and decided it was best to GTFO and high tail it back to Ohio by May of 2020.

This took me months to realize, but I had so subtly slipped back into mass depression. Being back in Ohio, around triggers and friends who'd grown apart from me, I felt helpless and alone. I began drinking all the time. When I'd wake up, all throughout my shifts at work, at 2 am once the beers I'd had after work were buzzing off.. I was having the worst thoughts and feelings possible that I won't elaborate on because, again, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or even manipulating the perception of whoever might read this. I did this to myself. My behavior was absolutley unacceptable. I'd been put on probation for drinking, I'd been arrested for it even once in my own bed sound asleep (lets not go into how corrupt the law enforcement is in Mansfield, OH). The point is I'd broken the law and, regardless of the circumstances, the law is the law and it comes with consequences.

By October of 2020 I'd agreed that the best case of action was to go to a treatment center for addiction. The center was more or less a joke at first until a counselor committed to actually helping us started working there in mid-November. All in all being sober long enough to get back to a focused, rational, kind state of mind has put me in a euphoric state of content more so than any materialistic or temporary feeling that a substance or whatever else could bring me. Real peace is better than fake, self-driven delusion. I got released from the center today (1/13/21).

What I'm trying to get across is that if it wasnt for those who care for me after all the shit I've put them through, if I hadn't accepted I had a problem and my plan wasnt working, I'd still be that other guy. If you give up your ideals and listen to a 'Higher Power', (a 'God', a group of people as in power in numbers, a spiritual intuition that things happen for a reason and you agree you alone can't solve issues the same way you've tried 1000 times over and failed) whatever your view on that is, if you are willing to change and accept support you will be able to find genuine serenity.

That other guy is still in there. I have to continue working my program daily and catch myself if I slip up, be prepared to tell others, make amends (unless that would make things worse) and by all means listen to their advice in order to turn 4 months of sobriety (even from weed, but this is mostly about drinking) into 4 years, and so on. If you read all this (well first off, thank you, like.. golly!) and you are someone who knows me, then I'm sure that's hard to believe because everyone who knows me has heard me say before that 'I am quitting alcohol!' when in all honestly all those same people probably knew damn well I was just trying to convince them rather than myself and even if I did want to stop, I still had a desire to do it. That's where I can finally cut ties and announce that I, personally to myself, no longer have the desire for alcohol. Today. Right now. One day at a time. I despise it. It took my ambitions and spat them in my face along with my kindness, positivity, all my goals and loved ones like they all meant nothing and I am sick and tired of enabling that feeling. The world we live in is full addiction. Eating, technology, fame, money, power, caffeine, nicotone, sugar, sex, drugs, rock and roll--you get it okay? None of those will bring anything of substantial value or genuine joy. Being selfish will bring nothing but suffering. Be kind and loving. Love is salvation.

Once more, if you read all this, you're a saint and I thank you and hope your life, if not already, becomes (and continues to be) positive, peaceful and great. Love yourself, the best and worst. Face fear head on and never give up. Always lend a hand to those who clearly need it and if they turn it away like I did so many times, all you can do is hope and pray they'll get to the point of acceptance someday. I am so grateful for the oppurtunity I had to turn my life around. I am thankful for every single person who's come and gone and the help they offered before and after I actually admitted it was neccessary. I'll try and be of service to others when and where I can. Stay safe, world.

-cone

[songtoyou]

Mr. Evans and the Congresswoman - Part 2

Paring: Chris Evans x Politician Reader

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1,858

Warnings: Political topics such as Biden, Harris, our current White House occupant and the current administration. 

Description:  It is the week of the DNC and Chris is once again interviewing you for A Starting Point. 

A/N: The DNC inspired me to write a second part for this story.  This is pure fiction as I do not know what Chris believes when it comes to politics and policy issues. This is a complete work of fiction.

I do not permit my work to be to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Note: Updated for grammar and punctuation edits.

"Hi, Congresswoman Y/L/N?" Chris Evans asked with a smile.

He was once again interviewing you for ASP. This time it was during the week of the Democratic National Convention. Chris and Mark had already talked to other politicians such as Senator Cory Booker and Representatives Ro Khanna and Alma Adams. You were the last elected official he was slated to interview to wrap up the DNC week.

Truthfully, Chris was happy to get the chance to talk with you again. Your previous interview for ASP was such a hit that it garnered a lot of attention from fans and the media. However, it was not because you helped bring more legitimacy and attention for ASP, but instead, Chris found himself genuinely admiring you.

"Hi," you said to Chris, giving a small wave through the Zoom screen. "I told you to call me by my first name."

"I know, but I still want to show respect," Chris responded with a teasing smile. Was he mildly flirting with the congresswoman? Yes, but he had no shame in doing so. "How are you? You are looking well."

"I am doing well. Thank you. How about you?"

"Same. Just trying to stay sane through everything. I'm actually currently in London. Working on a project." Chris admitted.

"Uh oh. You better be staying safe and following the right procedures and protocols," you lightly reprimanded him.

"My fans ratted me out. They found where I was just by the hotel door. Can you believe that? That is some FBI-level investigating, right there. I'd be impressed if I weren't also terrified of the lengths some of these fans will go to scout my location," Chris ranted. He did not understand why he was sharing this with you, but a part of him felt comfortable doing so.

"That…is quite impressive, I must say. Creepy. Scary. But impressive. You need to learn how to put in a Zoom background. It would solve all of your problems," you suggested to him.

"I would, but I'm technology deficient. Maybe I should look up some Zoom tutorials on how to do it. Give it a try."

"There is no try…only do," you advised cheekily.

"Now you're quoting Yoda. A woman after my own heart," Chris replied. He knew he needed to refocus. "So, as you can tell, Mark won't be joining us for this interview. I'm going to hit record if that is okay?"

"Okay. I'm ready when you are," you said.

When the record notification appeared on screen, Chris introduced you and immediately went into the first question.

"How do you think the DNC is going so far, particularly how this year is more of a virtual setting rather than in-person due to COVID-19?"

"Despite not having the big in-person celebration/gathering, I think the virtual setting is working very well. Better than I expected, actually. It gives off a more inclusive and intimate vibe to the DNC that we haven't felt before. I like the whole documentary approach and feel to it," you replied honestly.

"Were you excited that Joe Biden chose Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate?" asked Chris.

"Oh my God! I was so happy that Vice President Biden chose Senator Harris as his running mate. Like, my staff and I were beyond ecstatic. There is no one better to be Biden's running mate than Harris. She is amazing. Such an inspiration. I'm not going to lie, but I'm really excited for the debate between her and Pence."

That made Chris laugh. "Yeah, me too. Senator Harris really knows how to pull all the punches. Her nomination as VP has been met with overall positive response. The Trump Administration and Republican pundits appear to have a hard time painting a negative image of Harris. Why do you think Trump and Fox News are struggling to provide a negative image for her?"

"That is an excellent question. The public's overwhelming response to Harris' nomination is because 1.) she is the first black and south Asian woman to be on a major presidential ticket, and 2.) she is likable and charming. She has this exuberant energy that attracts people to her. You know, black and brown women and girls finally have someone that looks like them running for the second-highest office in the land. That is huge!

"I also have to wonder if people have smartened up in the last four years and won't tolerate the…hypocrisy, sexism, and misogyny…in this case misogynoir that is thrown towards Senator Harris from the media, political pundits, social media bots, etc. So, what we are seeing with Trump and Fox News struggling to attack her is because…well…they just aren't smart. All we have seen from Trump in his attacks against her is that she was mean to Kavanaugh when questioning him during his nomination process. But none of what Trump says holds up because we all know that smart, confident women intimidate him," you finished off your point.

"There is also the left…or more of the progressive left who are unhappy with Biden choosing Harris," Chris spoke up and continued, "They say she is a cop and put people away for weed. That she took kids away from parents when the kid didn't show up for school. That Harris is too conservative. What do you say to that?"

"All of that is…you know…. Senator Harris one of the most policy progressive senators we have. Her voting record is more progressive than Bernie Sanders. All people have to do is research her time as a district attorney and Attorney General for California to find out what she actually did concerning policy. But as we both know, people nowadays don't know how to critically think, which scares me. Progressives need to look at the overall big picture. This election in November is crucial. We are in the fight for our democracy, for our country, and for our lives…literally."

"I talk with my brother, Scott, all the time about certain political issues," mentioned Chris. "He is a tad more progressive than I am. I can admit that I tend to be more centrist. The district you represent is a mix of blue and red areas; how do you balance opposing views from your constituents?" 

You took in a deep breath before you answered. That was a loaded question. Representing a district that was not solely red, or blue could be difficult from time to time. You wanted to be respectful of the different viewpoints from constituents, but maintaining a neutral balance was hard and frustrating at times. 

"The majority of Americans are centrist/moderates. You need a balance of both liberal and conservative policies. Bipartisanship is crucially important when developing and passing laws. We are currently seeing an overt of one-sidedness while sabotaging the other side, which is detrimental to our country's growth. It is important to reach across the aisle to talk with those who may have opposing views than you. At the end of the day, people just want to feel that their concerns are heard and valued. We all want to feel that way. So, as an elected official, I make sure to take the time to talk with those in rural areas, along with urban areas, about their issues and concerns," you shared.

"Do you ever get any pushback from Trump supporters in the red areas?" Chris inquired.

"Well, it is important to note that not all residents in rural areas are Trump supporters. They just tend to keep that to themselves. I have actually talked to Trump supporters in blue areas. We can never and should never assume that one area has this type of person and vice versa. I learned that the hard way when I was campaigning for city council early in my career," you revealed to Chris with a small chuckle. "But overall, my constituents will talk with me and have been respectful. Some of the concerns that have been shared with me do fall under the QAnon conspiracy theories, which do disturb me, I'll be honest. Um…when being confronted with someone who has that extreme of ideals, it is important to remain calm and not to come off combative. Meaning that I have to remind myself that I am not quite dealing with a rational person. The only thing that I can do is calmly talk to the person and respond back with facts. Either they listen or brush me off and call me a radical lefty."

"The majority of people are good, like you said," Chris reminded you.

"That's right. It's a good mantra to live by. I think the American people are tired and have been tired for the past four years with this Administration. We need a sense of normalcy and decency. Compassion and empathy, which were two of the big themes during the DNC. This week was a nice reminder that we, as a country, can have that again."

"I agree. Very well said. You always end on a positive. I appreciate that. Thank you, Congresswoman Y/L/N, for taking the time to talk with me. You always provide great insight into the world of politics and your experience as an elected official," said Chris and ended the recording. "That was really great, Y/N. I know Mark, and I really appreciate you taken the time to do these interviews for ASP," Chris added.

"Oh, it is no problem. Like I said before, I like what you both are doing with the site. Are you happy with how everything turned out?" you asked him.

"Yeah… it's…it took a while to just get the website up and running. I know there is still work that needs to be done. Some areas need to be fixed, but with a project like this, we can adjust. There is more room for improvement and growth," Chris communicated to you.

You nodded in agreement. "Politics is a whole different ballgame. Not many people are willing to venture into the field. It can cause a lot of annoyances and headaches. So, hats off to you, my friend," you said, giving Chris a salute.

"Thank you. Well, I better let you go. I know you must have a million things on your plate."

"Ah yes, I have to go and save the United States Postal Service from corruption. Talk to you later, Chris. Take care," you waved goodbye and signed off.

Chris had to admit, he was in awe of you. There was something about you that fascinated him. None of the elected officials he and Mark talked to for ASP had the liveliness you had. You were not jaded or defeated by the system, at least not yet, since you were still considered a junior member of congress. Chris hoped that the energy and enthusiasm you had for politics and helping people would not diminish. When his Uncle Mike was still a congressman, he shared with Chris that D.C. can cause a lot of strain on a person's values and beliefs. "I have seen too many of my colleagues succumb to the pressures of dirty politics," Uncle Mike once said.

Chris just hoped that you would not succumb to those pressures.

[roxxelll]

Good day all. Since today is my 26th birthday, I’ve been doing a bit of reflecting & I thought it’d be fitting to share a part of myself I seldom talk about. A little over a week ago, it was the ninth anniversary of my admittance to rehab. I haven’t thought about my time there for a long while but for some reason this year I’ve been a little overwhelmed with emotion. I thought I’d write it all down and share a bit of it in hopes that it might help someone, whether it’s to shift their thinking or give them a little hope. 

I wrote the piece below almost 6 years ago but after reading over it I still find it one of the most eloquent things I might’ve tried to express. The reason I chose to share it is to say to anyone- if you are struggling and this time is testing your mental health and your strength, you are stronger than you think. A bad day doesn’t mean you are losing, it means you are coping and working hard at beating your own demons. 

I don’t talk about this side of my life a whole lot but it would be nice if you could share it if you resonate with it in some way or if you feel like you know someone who might. 

>>It gets a little long and there are TRIGGERS for eating disorders so please proceed with caution !!! << 

I do this thing where I often brush over my anorexia in conversation, and as expected, this might be the first time many of you are hearing of it. I just never felt the need to tell my story to the people in my life, I never wanted it to be the thing that everyone rolls their eyes about. 

However, I think it is time for me to tell my story. In full. What prompted me was that I have seen how my story became an inspiration for someone else; a reason for them to feel that they are not alone in the world. I was in awe that something so terrible in my life could be used for something so good.

This is the story of my eating disorder and I.

19 January, 2015

My mind was my body’s worst enemy. It was a weapon of mass destruction, ticking away in my head. Misconceptions invaded my mind and multiplied into thoughts and soon after their images were all I saw in the mirror.

I can’t give my mind all the credit; I didn’t create all the misconceptions in my own mind, even if they were all allowed to grow there. My mind only mimicked what it was being fed at just about every turn. One of the things I remember so vividly is seeing an underwear model. She was sexy and beautiful and I could think of nothing I wanted more in the world than her body. So started the worst train of thought I have ever had: the aspiration for perfection.

The media can be a scary thing. As a teenager, it was pretty much most of what everyone was talking about and consuming on a day to day basis. By the time I was in grade 10 in high school, all my time had been consumed by trying to getting the best grades and only producing my best work in my visual arts class. My time in the sports field ceased all together and in my mind the only way for me to achieve my standards of perfection was to go down the dark, sinister route that I had not even realised I'd taken.

On 26 October 2011, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. There is no easy way to explain the feeling of your own head telling you that you are not good enough, that you are disgusting, that you are too fat, that you may not eat.

2011 was not a good year for me, I remember so well that a bad day would grow into a bad week and eventually evolve into bad months. My family seemed as dysfunctional as ever, I picked up the nasty habit of smoking and the stress of school had only weakened my state of mind. I hated what I was and I had somehow convinced myself that everyone else around me felt the same way, when in fact I was the one pushing them away. Sometime in mid October, armed robbers had broken into my house. No one in my family was hurt, but I had gotten away with a broken arm and a few bruises.

It was then in hospital that doctors had noticed there was something off about me. It must have been brain shattering for my parents to see what had been eating away at me for months only at that moment. How could they when all I did was hide from the world?

I was admitted into rehab after that and I did not sit for my November exams. In six months I had lost 14kgs. I have been in remission since.

My life was consumed by loss. First it was the weight, then my strength, and eventually demons began to nibble away at my personality. I watched my life crumble away as fast as my body did. My hair started to fall out and my nails stopped growing. I lost my period all together. My bones stuck out of my body like they were unwanted intruders, I became as frail, dead and dull as an old building.

Misconceptions are the hardest scars to heal. They forced my body apart from my mind. I have learned that it's called body disconnection, the feeling of being absolutely cut off from your body. No experience was good enough in my body because my mind wanted to be as far from this body as possible. I don't know how you can even explain it... Imagine wanting to be so far out of a room you would give anything to leave it. Now imagine that was your own body and you can start to understand body disconnection. You can leave an uncomfortable room. You can’t evacuate your own body. Excruciating, isn’t it? Looking in the mirror, I never saw a body that was perfect, only the disgusting images of what my mind had made me believe I looked like: the image of imperfection. It was shattering, painful and exhausting..

It's been three years now.

I'm quite proud to admit that my annoying need to overachieve at everything has been my biggest weakness and my greatest strength. I never wanted to do something halfway, and this was no different: I got an eating disorder as bad as they go. But I sure as hell got a recovery as good as they go. I have not relapsed or regressed. I have just grown in confidence and in strength. I haven’t done that on my own: the support I have had from just about every corner of my life has been my lifeline. Even on Tumblr where people are so confident just to share selfies and feel good about how great they look. Nothing makes me happier to see people love who they are. The people in my life have fought with me in my corner with so much strength they could collectively save the world. I am not sure I could ever find the words to describe the impact they have made.

People tell me every day how far I have come in three years. They see me eat and think it is all over. There is little truth in an assumption so bold. Here’s the thing no one told me about when I first thought an eating disorder is a good idea: it never leaves you. It just becomes less overwhelming. I still have the scars to face every day. I say remission because I never really heal. Then again I am only human and people often forget that when I have a bad day. The truth is I face my worst fear every time I sit down to eat no matter how much it seems like I love food.

I'm not perfect, no one is. And in time I've learned this fact and to love myself. I don't burst at the seams with confidence, but I definitely have more now than what I did three years ago. There are days where a relapse sits on the horizon but you just have to hold your head high and fight it. I don't write this in hopes of becoming a role model but I do hope it inspires people, not just those who face what I did, but with any curve ball life decides to throw at them. There's always a way out if you're willing to look for it.

_______________

I wrote this five years ago. This passed year has probably been the biggest test of my recovery in a long time. Staying at home with constant worries about access to the gym, my safe foods and social distancing are prime triggers for a relapse for me. It’s true that you never fully recover, but you do get better with time. Every day is a constant fight against my ED, depression and anxiety, and there are many days where it seems like climbing this never-ending mountain is impossible. But I’ve come to realise that any step we take in pushing against it (even just acknowledging our emotions and thoughts) is one in the right direction. 

In the past week I have thought quite a lot about my anorexia and impact it has had on my life, my family and my body. And the truth is, I still choose to wake up and fight the “mad bitch” everyday. Some days are definitely harder than others, sometimes it’s easy. But I win everytime because I choose to fight it. So I really hope that anyone fighting their demons (whatever they may be) will reflect on how strong they are and the journey they have walked.   ♡ 

[dtyblogger]

Top Terrifying-But-True Horror Stories Reported in the News

Sure, a scary movie, book, or program can get your heart racing in the moment, but you can rest comfortable afterwards knowing that what you witnessed was a work of fiction. What's scarier is when the actual world becomes creepier than anything Stephen King could conjure up.

Real fear occurs all around us every day, even if it doesn't always make it into your newsfeed. Murders, disappearances, demonic possession, and devil worship aren't simply fiction from a writer's imagination; they're news headlines.

We've compiled a list of some of the most horrific and inexplicable real-world stories below.

The Axe Murder House

The Villisca Axe Murder House in Villisca, Iowa is a popular tourist destination for both ghost seekers and horror fans. The location of a brutal unsolved 1912 murder in which six children and two adults had their skulls totally smashed by an unknown perpetrator's axe was acquired in 1994, restored to its 1912 form, and made into a tourist attraction. Staying at the ancient haunted house costs $428 per night, and tourists frequently claim unusual paranormal encounters, such as images of a guy with an axe wandering the hallways or faint screams of children.

The haunting, however, took a worse turn in November of 2014. Robert Steven Laursen Jr., 37, of Rhinelander, Wisconsin, was on a routine recreational paranormal visit with friends when he experienced genuine terror. According to VICE:

His companions found him stabbed in the chest—an apparently self-inflicted wound—called 9-1-1, and Laursen was brought to a nearby hospital before being helicoptered to Creighton University Medical Center in Omaha.

According to the Montgomery County Sheriff's Office, Laursen received the self-inflicted injury about 12:45 a.m., around the time the 1912 axe murders in the home began.

Laursen was able to recuperate from his injuries, but he has never talked publicly about what happened that day. The event was unpleasant for the home's owner, Martha Linn. "It's publicity, but it's not the type of publicity you're looking for." I don't want people to assume that if they come to the Villisca Axe Murder House, something will happen that would force them to do anything like that.” Today, the home is accessible for tourist visits and overnight stays.

The Haunted Doll

When you think of haunted dolls, you often think of the eerie old Victorian-looking porcelain variety. None of which you're likely to have lying around. However, don't get too comfy with any children's toys too soon: a Disney's Frozen Elsa doll that was given as a present for Christmas 2013 in the Houston region made news earlier this year when it appeared to be haunted.

The doll recited phrases from the movie Frozen and sang “Let It Go” when a button on its necklace was pressed.

“For two years it did that in English,” mother Emily Madonia said. “In 2015, it started doing it alternating between Spanish and English. There wasn’t a button that changed these, it was just random."

The family has owned the doll for more than six years and never changed its batteries. The mother says the doll would randomly begin to speak and sing even with its switch turned off.

In December of 2019, the family decided to get rid of the scary doll. They discovered it inside a bench in their living room weeks later. “The kids said they didn't put anything there, and I believed them because they wouldn't have searched through the rubbish outside,” Madonia explained to KPRC2 Houston News.

Elsa stopped singing the English version of "Let It Go" at that moment, speaking only Spanish when pressed. The strange doll was then double-bagged and placed at the bottom of the family's rubbish, which was carried out on garbage day. They went on a trip soon after, but when they returned, Elsa had also returned and was waiting for them in their garden.

Elsa was shipped to a family friend in Minnesota, who fastened the haunting doll to the front bumper of his truck this time. According to Madonia's most recent February Facebook update on the scary doll, it does not appear to have found its way back to Houston.

A Dangerous Exorcism

Kennedy Ife, 26, of North London, began acting strangely and aggressively in August 2016 after experiencing throat pain. Before his family confined him to a bed using wire ties and severe force, he allegedly bit his father, threatened to chop off his own penis, and spoke of a python or snake inside of him.

According to the BBC:

“The family then set about attempting to ‘cure’ Kennedy through restraint and prayer over the next three days, the court was told.”

His brother, Colin Ife, told police:

“It’s clear that thing was in him, what we believed was a demon because it was not natural. It was clearly trying to kill him,” he said.

“We had to restrain him for himself. It was clear if we didn’t restrain him, he could have tried to harm people in our family.”

Kennedy Ife had been chained to his bed for three days without medical treatment when his brother contacted 911, saying that he was suffering from dehydration. He looked to be having respiratory problems and was pronounced deceased at 10:17 a.m.

According to The Independent:

While police were at the house Colin Ife allegedly carried out an “attempted resurrection” by chanting and praying for Mr. Ife.

Kennedy Ife had been chained to his bed for three days without medical treatment when his brother contacted 911, saying that he was suffering from dehydration. He looked to be having respiratory problems and was pronounced deceased at 10:17 a.m.

According to The Independent:

Kenneth Ife told jurors he ordered his sons to take shifts and use "overwhelming force" but denied that an "association with cults, occults and secret societies" played any part in the death.

After a four day jury deliberation, all seven family members were cleared of charges on March 14, 2019.

[jalapeno-princess]

In it to Win it

Kindergarten Teacher Jinyoung X Reader

Genre: Angst with a fluffy ending (Cocky and narcissistic Park Jinyoung)

Word Count: 3.9K

Summary: You’ve been a kindergarten teacher for the last three years and it’s been such an amazing experience other than the fact that one of the other teachers had it out for you for the last year and you’ve had enough of his brutality. Little did you know the reason why he was so cold toward you was because he had developed feelings for you from the minute the two of you were introduced to each other. Jinyoung never did relationships because he was so dedicated to his job and he wasn’t going to allow you to be the one to change that.

A/N: To the anon who requested a kindergarten teacher Jinyoung imagine a couple of weeks ago I’m so sorry for the delay and I apologize if it’s not what you were expecting but feel free to request again!

“Okay class, raise your hand if any of you have suggestions on how to decorate the door for Halloween.” As soon as the question fell from your lips, every tiny little hand raised and you couldn’t help but stifle a laugh at how eager your students were.

“Hmmm, how about you Subin?” The little girl beamed at you before speaking up.

“We could draw a big haunted house and then have ghosts flying out of it?” You smiled gently at her while writing down her suggestion.

“That sounds cool! What do you think Woojin?” He sent you a toothy grin before pointing at his shirt.

“I’d like a big, scary monster with sharp teeth and blood coming out of his mouth.” A few of the girls shrieked while most of the boys cheered on his idea. You however, weren’t a fan and shook your head in disagreement. Being a kindergarten teacher had its ups and downs. You’ve been at this for almost three years now and you’d like to say you were finally getting the hang of things.

Kindergarteners were at that age where they were still learning the basics; manners, abcs, 123s and your responsibility was making sure each and every one of your students had the basic curriculum down before sending them up to first grade. It was almost the end of first quarter which meant the start of the holiday season.

This was always one of your favorite parts of the semester. You loved preparing for the last three months of the year; specifically the door decorating contests. Every year for Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas, there would be a door decorating contest for each grade level and the prize was a pizza party.

Every year, you had your students come up with ideas on how they would want to decorate the door and you were always so excited to see the effort and enthusiasm they put in to making sure your door stood out. When you first became a kindergarten teacher, you didn’t think much about being competitive; all that mattered to you was that your students had fun.

Unfortunately, you soon changed your mind about the entire event when a fellow kindergarten teacher made it aware that he took the “friendly competition” very seriously and went through great lengths to make sure his class won every single time. Park Jinyoung, in more or less words was the biggest pain in your ass.

From the day that you met him, you believed that he was one of the most arrogant and selfish people you’ve ever met. He was assigned to show you around on your first day of school and when you first laid your eyes on him, you had to bite your lip to prevent you from drooling. He was extremely good looking. Watching as he interacted with his students made your heart warm. Not only was he a sight for sore eyes, but he seemed to get along really well with children and he was very charming from what you observed.

However, Jinyoung made it aware that he wanted nothing to do with you unless he really had to. You never understood why he was so cold towards you, especially because you were nothing but nice to him but it didn’t matter. All that you cared about were your students and your work ethic as a teacher. From that day on, you made a promise to yourself to avoid Jinyoung and his snarky remarks at all costs, no matter how attractive you found him.

There were much more good looking men out there with genuine personalities. Park Jinyoung did not deserve your kindness nor your patience. At one point, you’d find yourself observing him in the hopes that you’d find out he was like that to the rest of the teachers and staff. To everyone else, he was quite the gentlemen.

He held doors for whoever was walking right behind him, always asked how the other teacher’s days were going and you found out that he would buy Christmas presents for the entire staff. You couldn’t remember if you ever did anything to upset or insult him and sometimes you wanted to confront him for his rude personality, but you didn’t want to cause any problems and end up getting fired for something you had no control over.

At the end of the day, you walked outside with your students and sent them off with their parents one by one. After saying goodbye to the last of your students, you were right about to head back in to your classroom when you heard someone call out your name.

“I overheard Mirae telling one of my students that you guys are going to win the door contest this year. Ha! I have to laugh. You stand no chance y/n. We’ve practically already won, so there’s no point in wasting your time.”

You sent him a chilling glare before scoffing. What was his problem? He was acting like such a child. If you weren’t mistaken, he could pass as one of your students.

“You overheard correctly. I plan on beating you this year. Why are you so confident huh? I wasn’t too impressed with your wicked witch last year. Honestly, if you want to win you should just put a picture of yourself on your door. That’ll scare everybody.” He let out a sarcastic giggle before crossing his arms indifferently. God, why did he have to be so handsome yet such an asshole?

“You’d like that wouldn’t you? Well whatever, just be prepared to see a bunch of sad faces when my students come running over to your class with pizzas in their hands. Have a nice—you know what? You don’t deserve a nice day. Just have a day y/n. Can’t wait to win.”

You wanted nothing more than to slap that egotistical grin off of his face but you knew you couldn’t. As much as your school believed in equality and treating every employee fairly, you knew they would end up choosing Jinyoung if the choice between the two of you ever came up. Not only was he there a couple years longer than you were, but he was quite the social butterfly and everyone in school seemed to like him. You on the other hand despised him with every fiber of your being and you were going to make sure your class was going to win each and every door contest.

As the days went by, your students worked diligently to color, cut and paste their drawings on your door. Going with Subin’s idea, you placed a big brown sheet of construction paper on the door and stuck on windows and some silly string to use as cobwebs. Then your students made themselves in to ghosts and scattered their drawings all over the door.

Once you were done with the finishing touches and stepped back to take a look at the final product, you were quite impressed with how it turned out and you could only hope the judges liked it just as much. When the day of judgement came, you watched nervously on the side to see what the scores were like. Jinyoung’s door was quite impressive and you weren’t surprised. He always put so much time and effort in to decorating. However, you couldn’t help but feel as if he was the one to do the entire project all by himself.

As talented as the kindergarteners were, you knew they weren’t capable to draw intricate shapes nor cut the paper perfectly. This contest was meant strictly for the children; therefore, you sent in an anonymous tip before the judges could come up with a decision. The day before Halloween, you were notified that your class had won the contest and you were extremely over the moon. In your three years of working at that school, this was the first time your class won the Halloween door contest.

Jinyoung won every single year for the last three years and you knew it was all because he was the one actually working on the door. He was a cheater and you hated that he’s been getting away with it for so long. A huge part of you wanted to march over to Jinyoung’s classroom and rub it in his face that you won, but you weren’t one to stoop down to someone’s level like he seemed to be. You just let your student’s cheers of happiness speak for you.

The beginning of November came and went and before you knew it, Thanksgiving was soon approaching. As much fun as it was beating Jinyoung just a month prior, seeing the broken expressions on his student’s faces made your heart hurt. This wasn’t even considerably fun to you anymore. You enjoyed the idea of winning against Jinyoung, but at what cost? The sadness of twenty three five-year-olds?

How could he be okay with putting his students through humiliation just so that he could win the contest? It wasn’t even about winning the pizza party for his students. His main goal was to beat you and you still couldn’t find a legitimate reason as to why he had it out for you. Your students were excited to work on the door again, but deep down you knew you weren’t going to try as hard so Jinyoung’s class had a chance at winning. Sure, you enjoyed seeing your students so overwhelmed with happiness as they enjoyed their celebration, but you felt bad with the way Jinyoung’s students looked at yours in envy.

After the judges talked to Jinyoung about why he lost last time, he made it his duty to make sure each and every one of his students were involved. Your students drew hand turkeys and it the effort they put in to coloring and cutting them made your heart flutter. No matter how frustrating it could be as a kindergarten teacher sometimes, seeing the smile on all their adorable faces at the smallest little things made it all worth it. The day before the judges came to look at your door, you had a unpleasant visit from the person you wanted to see the least. Before school could even start, you heard an all but gentle knock on the door and you released a frustrated sigh when he entered without you allowing him in.

“What are you—“ he rudely put his hand out in front of you and blatantly interrupted you. You were quick to pick up on his furrowed brows and the way he stormed in and you knew he was upset.

“It was you wasn’t it? You lied to the judges and told them that I work on the door all by myself so that my class would get disqualified didn’t you? I know you were pathetic, but that’s another kind of low. Even for you. You’re going to regret that.”

In most situations, you would’ve allowed him to talk bad about you and just kept your mouth shut, not wanting things to escalate but you were tired. He had no right to talk to you like you were the scum underneath his expensive pair of dress shoes. You did nothing for him to treat you so impolitely. Deep down, you knew you could report him for workplace bullying, but you didn’t want all the unnecessary drama that came with having to list down exactly what he was doing to you.

To both your surprises, you found yourself standing up and walked over towards him. You were so angry to the point where you poked your finger at his chest while releasing all your built up anger and frustrations that he caused you over the last three years.

“I’m pathetic? I’M PATHETIC? You’re kidding me right? Even if I didn’t say anything, it doesn’t take a genius to know that there is no way a five year old, no matter how many worked on that damn door could execute such precise and accurate designs. You would’ve been disqualified whether or not I reported you. Do you hate me that much for you to want to win so badly that you did all that work by yourself? You’re forgetting the entire point of this door contest! It’s for the kids! It’s for them to work together and to have fun while doing it! But no, this is all a competition for you! And it’s not even to win best door! You couldn’t give less of a shit about that. You just want to beat me! Well guess what Park Jinyoung, I don’t give two shits what you think about me or if your class wins the damn contest! You and I obviously have two different mindsets here. I want to win because I love seeing my students happy. You want to win because your God damn ego and pride is so fucking huge and the only person you care about is yourself. From the day I arrived to this school, you’ve been nothing but a prick and a jerk and for what? What reason huh?”

You were so in to his rant that you weren’t able to see the way he was looking at you with an apologetic look in his eyes. What you didn’t know, was that the reason why Jinyoung was such an asshole to you, was because he harbored feelings for you. It may not seem like it, especially because he treated you so unfairly, but it was his twisted way of showing his interest in you. It was also because he never wanted to develop feelings for you. Jinyoung was always focused on his education and his job. He never had time to date nor did he feel like it was necessary to do. But the minute he laid his eyes on you and witnessed as you taught your class and got them to fall in love with you so easily, he knew he was in deep shit.

You were also the talk of the board of education. Even before you graduated from your university with your bachelors degree in education, there were so many schools that were looking at you and interested in hiring you from the get go. Teaching was one of the hardest occupations out there but you did it so effortlessly and made it seem like such a simple task. Which is why Jinyoung felt as if he needed to stay away from you.

He felt like if he were to be so closed off and mean towards you that you would want nothing to do with him. But as you continued to be nothing but nice to him albeit his coldhearted demeanor, it only caused him to fall for you even harder. He hated being so mean to you; you didn’t deserve it and hearing the effect that it had on you made his heart hurt. He was surprised that you put up with his bullshit for so long. Anyone in their right minds would’ve told him off a long time ago but not you. You allowed his hostility to continue all the while keeping that beautiful smile on your face that he loved so much.

“You are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. I can’t believe all the teachers fawn over how kind-hearted and generous you are. If only they knew the real you. The you that only comes out when I’m around. I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you hate me so much but I refuse to allow you to continue stepping all over me. Now get out.”

You didn’t dare look at him and you were afraid of what was going to happen now that you told him exactly how you felt about the mistreatment, but what you didn’t expect was the five letter word that fell from his lips.

“Sorry.” A sarcastic chuckle fell from your lips and you finally allowed yourself to look up at him in disbelief.

“I’m sorry?” He shook his head and began pacing the room back and forth. This was all too much for your mind to process. You didn’t think you’d be confronting Jinyoung for his negative behavior today nor did you think he’d be apologizing to you for how he’s been acting towards you. Were you still asleep? You had to be. There was no way this was all going on right now.

“No, I am. I admit, I was being a dick. I have no excuse for the way that I’ve been treating you and I hope you know that you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I’m sorry. Genuinely—and there’s no excuse for my actions. I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I know you’re probably in shock by my apology, but I’m deeply sorry for everything that I’ve put you through. I knew my behavior has probably affected you and you should’ve had me reported for harassing you so much. I know my apology probably means jack shit to you, but if I were to tell you why I’ve been acting this way you’d probably laugh in my face—“

“Tell me.”

He looked at you for a few seconds and you felt extremely insecure under the weight of his stare, but before you knew it he hesitantly brought his hand up to your cheek and began caressing right below your eye. If it was anyone else, you would’ve slapped their hand away and honestly even after hearing his apology, you should’ve yanked his hand from off your face but you didn’t want to. His touch was soft and comforting and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t like how it felt. But what did it mean? And how did he go from accusing you of turning him in for cheating to cupping your face with his hands? You felt as if you were about to throw up.

“I—I um—okay I’m going to start off by saying this, Park Jinyoung never falls in love. I don’t do relationships. I don’t believe in them. I feel like they’re a waste of time and effort but fuck—ever since I met you I found myself craving to be in one with you. I know it’s hard to believe and you probably think I’m just messing around with you but I’m serious. I don’t know how you did it, but you’ve gotten me to fall for you. I haven’t felt this way for anyone before and I think that treating you like shit was my defense mechanism because I didn’t want to develop any sort of feelings for you. It was hard not to. I mean—look at you. Fuck, all I ever seem to do is look at you, do you not understand just how beautiful you are? And when I see you getting along with each and every one of your students, it makes my heart feel things I never thought it was capable of. Love. Admiration. Adoration. You—you’re the most wonderful human being I’ve ever met. You’re so hardworking, so selfless and passionate about your job. You’re everything I wish I could be.”

His hands left your face and right as you were about to complain, he brought them down to your hips and pulled you closer to his body causing your cheeks to warm up. You absentmindedly wrapped your arms around his neck and wanted nothing more than to kiss his stupidly handsome face while beating him up for treating you like shit for so long. Hearing his confession made your heart flutter and as much as you wanted to hate him and continue being upset with him, you were just as head over heels for him as he claimed to be for you.

“If you didn’t already know by now, I like you y/n. Hell, I think it goes beyond that. There aren’t enough words that I can put together that can explain to you just how sorry I am for everything—but if you let me, I’d love to take you out on a date and then we can see where it goes from there? But I completely understand if you want nothing to do with me. Just know that I have every intention on treating you the way you deserve—the way I should’ve been years ago.” You took a few minutes to come up with your decision even if you already knew the answer.

“You’re an asshole Park Jinyoung.” He giggled softly before agreeing with you.

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

“I deserve someone better than you. Someone who would tell me how they feel rather than push me away because they can’t accept their feelings.” Although you had your arms around his neck, your words sent a pang of hurt to his chest because he knew you were right. He was afraid that it was too late. But the gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth broke him out of his self pity and he found himself smiling against your lips.

“I like you too. Prick. More than I’d like to admit and more than you deserve. But you need to promise me that you’ll change. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who treats me like shit. The minute you start acting cold towards me again is the minute I throw hands. You hear me? Man, I’d hate to see how you used to pick up girls back in college. Maybe you’re such a hard ass because you’re single.”

His laughter filled the room and you found yourself laughing along with him. Hearing him laugh every now and then sent butterflies to your tummy especially because of how adorable his laugh was and because of how cute he looked when he tried to cover up his mouth every single time. His eye crinkles were also very adorable and you found yourself getting on your tip toes to kiss both sides of his face out of habit.

“Correction, I was single. And so were you, but now you’re mine. I meant what I said baby, I’m going to take really good care of you from now on. God, I love kissing you. I’ve dreamt about kissing these pretty lips of yours for the longest time. To think I could’ve done so sooner if I wasn’t so stupid. It doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters is us, right now. However, I hope you know that just because we’re dating doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on you y/n, I’m still going to win that door contest.” You playfully slapped his chest before motioning him out of your classroom.

“We’ll see about that you cocky asshole.” Right as you were about to open your door, he gripped both of your wrists and pinned them up against your head before placing a rough and passionate kiss upon your lips.

“I can’t wait for Christmas time. I’m going to purposely put up mistletoe in my room so I have an excuse to kiss you. Thank you for giving me a chance y/n. I’m really excited to see where things are going to go for us.” With one more kiss on your lips, he was making his way out the door. But before he could leave, the cutest little voice spoke up and you found yourself stifling back a laugh.

“Our door is way better than your door Mr.Park! Can’t wait to beat you again and eat our pizza in front of you!”