#at least SOME of that information has been proven. anyways none of that matters honestly she could be the best person ever who cares

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

that's another thing though, isn't it? because i can go on and on about how he's dating someone who's been a fan of him for years and how fucked up that is and no one will listen but we (meaning the human collective) have just barely learned that some relationship dynamics are fucked up despite the ages of the participants. when one of those vine sauce boys was just having one night stands with his fans people were uproariously angry... and that's not AS bad for various reasons but still bad in a way that is now being ignored. it is never okay to take advantage of your status as a content creator to enter into any type of relation/situationship with someone, especially when you're as popular as He is. however, i'm aware relationships have certain contexts and, as an outsider, you can't and *shouldn't* try to come up with that context that you'll never know for sure... BUT, as i've said a billion times in the last year or so, knowing that someone has been watching you and a fan of you for a majority of your career should AT THE VERY LEAST make you step back and question whether or not to pursue a relationship with them. if at all.

[blitzturtles]

Title: Nothing Else Matters

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo

Pairing(s): NaraFugo / FugoNara

Summary: [In a world where it takes Pannacotta a while to come home after the events of VA...]

Patience is not a concept, but a word that bounces around in Narancia’s mind. An echo of syllables rather than something that has meaning. He can repeat it to himself as many times as he would like, but he will find none of whatever it was that Bucciarati wished to impress upon him when he spoke the word in the first place.

Notes: Also, this was honestly an excuse to write Fugo with long hair and scars.

-

Patience is not a concept, but a word that bounces around in Narancia’s mind. An echo of syllables rather than something that has meaning. He can repeat it to himself as many times as he would like, but he will find none of whatever it was that Bucciarati wished to impress upon him when he spoke the word in the first place.

Narancia is not patient. He is not capable. His only lapses in action come when he sleeps or when it is absolutely necessary for survival. The only things he has ever waited for are food and medical care; the latter of which nearly killed him. For Narancia, there is no virtue in patience; only unending anxiety. Worry that gnaws at his already chapped lips and pulls the threads loose in the cuffs of his sleeves. It keeps him up at night with questions that never receive answers.

How is patience a form of high moral standard (what does that even mean?) when it could mean that Fugo is out there by himself? Possibly in danger. With no one to watch his back in a Passione that is rapidly changing around him in a way that he surely is not prepared for.

It’s been a year. One very long year, and that’s accounting for the fact that Narancia spent several miserable weeks in the hospital after a two week long coma. He remembers looking out the window, unable to see the street from so high up, yet hoping he might catch a glimpse of white-blonde hair off in the distance. He had never given up hope that Fugo would stop by one day, even if only to sneak in for a moment. That day had never come, and now countless more have passed.

Giorno does his best to reassure Narancia that Fugo is alive, but that only brings about more questions and concerns. Alive is a pretty low bar to set, but it’s better than some of the scenarios that have run through Narancia’s head. It’s better than dead at Diavolo’s hands-- indirectly or otherwise--, but it only does so much to soothe Narancia’s nerves.

He can’t bring himself to ask how Giorno knows that Fugo is alive. That he’s at least surviving out there in the world where the most powerful crime syndicate is undergoing significant restructuring. Has Giorno seen him? Spoken to him? Does Fugo visit him?

Giorno’s got eyes in more places than Narancia can wrap his head around, so it’s possible that Giorno’s monitoring Fugo from a distance. And Narancia tries to ignore how that thought makes his chest ache. As if Fugo is some kind of threat to them.

The problem is that Fugo could be a threat. If he had it in him. He has more information on those closest to the Don than anyone else in the entirety of Passione combined, but he’s not a traitor. Narancia knows that like he knows the sky is blue, an observable and undeniable truth.

What almost hurts more is the thought that Fugo is talking to Giorno directly. That he’s gone to see the Don on more than one occasion, or that he has some means of reporting to Giorno that none of them are privy to. That Narancia knows of, anyway. He wouldn’t be entirely surprised to hear that Bucciarati also knows of Fugo’s whereabouts, but that thought doesn’t hurt nearly as badly as the idea that Fugo is avoiding him.

Narancia does some avoidance of his own. Mostly, it’s calendars that he can’t stand to look at. He tries his best to steer clear of them, but it’s been hard ever since he started up school again. Everything operates on a damn schedule with school. Tests, homework, tutoring (remote and not through Fugo, and he hates it)... It’s never ending, and the moment he gets his hands on one, he’s counting back all the time that’s passed.

Today marks one year, two months, and three days, and patience has gotten him absolutely nowhere.

______

Giorno sends for Narancia while Narancia is busy studying in the mansion’s library. He gives Mista-- the one often sent to collect for the child Don, whether it be man or money-- a look of confusion, with one eyebrow cocked and eyes searching, but Mista only shrugs,

“Dunno, dude. You’re gonna have to go see for yourself, I guess.”

Narancia doesn’t know how Mista can sound so detached. These kinds of things drive him crazy. He wants to know, and he wants to know now. Patience is bullshit, and he’s tired of pretending otherwise.

______

The door to Giorno’s office is a large, heavy oak thing carved with expert hands. Narancia’s fingers sink into the grooves that make up the design of foliage and wildlife. He’s found himself tracing various parts of this door more times than he can count. The scene is beautiful. One of the artist’s whim, but she had clearly understood her client, given how perfectly it fits Giorno. It’s often the first impression people get of the Don when they’re called upon. The door comes across as unnecessarily ornate, but, truly, it’s a reminder. Besides, the whole thing had been a gift. Not a single penny had been spent (well, not in commission, anyhow.)

Narancia likes it because he can usually find something he hasn’t noticed, some groove he hasn’t touched. The surface is surprisingly smooth for wood, and it feels nice under his fingers. He’s used it as a distraction before; a way to pass the time while idling outside of Giorno’s office, either as a living radar or as an invited guest.

He’s almost never there for a mission briefing. It’s rare that he gets sent out on field work at all anymore. He’s technically an ex-mafioso now. School is supposed to be his priority (it’s not), which means mafia work is saved for everyone else. Most of the time. Which raises the question: what does Giorno want?

“Come in!” Giorno calls loud enough to be heard. It startles Narancia out of his thoughts, but he brushes it off quickly and reaches for the door, only stopping for a moment because he can hear a second voice. A quiet murmur that Giorno responds to in a gentle cadence of his own. One that’s meant to be reassuring, yet sends alarm bells off in Narancia’s head. He flips Aerosmith’s radar over his eye, checking the signatures in the room. There’s definitely only two, but that doesn’t give him a whole lot to work with.

Rather than keep his boss waiting any longer, Narancia pushes the door open and peers inside, half expecting the stranger to be holding a weapon of some sort. Instead, the man stands there, stiff as a board with his back facing Narancia. He has a ratty hoodie on with the hood being pulled up in such a way that Narancia can’t see any of the man’s features. It does nothing to settle his unease. Something is going on, and he feels wholly underprepared.

“It’s alright,” Giorno says, standing from his chair and moving around his desk. Narancia doesn’t know if he’s trying to reassure the stranger or him, but he has a feeling that neither of them feels any more at ease than before the Don spoke. And what Giorno says next makes even less sense, but is definitely aimed at the stranger, “He’s been waiting for this.”

Slowly, the unknown man reaches up to lower his hood. It seems to take an eternity, but the moment Narancia sees his face is the moment when he feels like someone has punched him in the gut hard enough to go through layers of skin and muscle and fat. There’s a horrible twist in his stomach before an odd, detached hollowness settles in, and all he can do is stare in disbelief.

Fugo’s fingers linger on the rim of his hood. He holds it tight around his neck, still partially obscuring his hair and part of his jaw. His fingers remain clenched in the fabric so tightly that his knuckles have gone white, and he stands there, seemingly frozen part way through his reveal. His mouth is too obscured to see the full extent of his expression, but his brows are drawn in a frown. Bright red eyes dart suddenly from Narancia to Giorno, searching. He looks ready to run, and that’s enough to kick Narancia’s brain back into gear.

“You bastard!” Narancia’s lunging at him in an instant without bothering for his knife. He grabs at Fugo’s hood, and his fingers clasp tightly in the bunched fabric before Fugo’s hands.

Giorno moves to get between them with a hand raised, prepared to force the two apart if need be. Gold Experience manifests behind him, no doubt prepared to create a literal barrier to prevent any bloodshed.

“Don’t,” Fugo breathes, eyes darting to Giorno. “Don’t,” he repeats, “It’s fine.”

“Fuck you!”

Fugo doesn’t flinch at the exclamation, though he does sink his gaze downward and refuses to look up at Narancia. No amount of time could have prepared him for this particular reunion. Getting into contact with Mista and Giorno again had been hard enough, and that hadn’t exactly been his choice. This is an entirely different matter. One more complex than he knows how to deal with, and that’s exactly why they’re in this situation now: because he hadn’t known how else to do this.

Rude as it is to stick Giorno in the middle of all of this, it’s the only way that Fugo could assure that he would follow through with his plan to finally reintroduce himself to the rest of the team. He’s already proven himself to the Don. To Giorno. And to Mista. Though he hardly feels as though he deserves their trust. No matter how often Giorno reassures him otherwise. Still, this is more complicated.

Narancia stares him down with a fire in his eyes. Aerosmith’s radar vanishes from existence, which at least means Fugo won’t be shot, but that’s little consolation given the rage rolling off of Narancia in waves. His fists press into Fugo’s jaw, causing him to wince, and just like that something… snaps. Either inside of Fugo or in the air. It’s like a crack of thunder that rings in his ears.

“I hate you,” Narancia nearly sobs into his ear the moment he gets his arms around Fugo. He pulls him into a crushing hug with no warning and repeats the phrase ad nauseum. They both know the words aren’t true, though Fugo deserves them to be.

“I’m sorry,” Fugo breathes his response, and not just because Narancia is trying to squeeze the life out of him. His own eyes are burning with tears. Months of pent up emotions spill forward in an unstoppable avalanche, and all either of them can do is hang on tightly to the other until the worst of it passes.

Fugo barely has a moment to catch his breath before Narancia is reaching, and he flinches. Narancia’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open a bit. Nothing needs to be said for Fugo to know that he’s added one more hurt to a very long list.

“Just,” Fugo tries and glances helplessly at Giorno, but the Don seems to have made his escape in the little outburst of chaotic emotions once he had realized the two weren’t a threat to one another. “I’m different.” It sounds ridiculous in his own ears, and it doesn’t cover the reality of what he’s hiding behind his hood and his clenched fists.

Narancia laughs. A startled sound that gets ripped from him before he really processes the words, or the look on Fugo’s face. He feels bad almost immediately and tries to recover the situation by saying, “You’re you.”

Fugo inhales deeply and holds his breath a moment before he drops his hands away finally. The hood falls down around his shoulders, and he has to steel himself to avoid turning away.

“Oh,” Narancia sucks in a breath. He reaches his hands to either side of Fugo’s mouth, only hesitating a moment when Fugo stiffens, but he forces his own hands steady enough to brush his thumb over the newly gnarled skin. Well, not that new, he supposes. The scars are healed enough; no longer the bright, angry red that they once were, but it’s clear they had been painful. They may still be. Narancia thinks it must hurt when they pull at the corners of Fugo’s mouth whenever he speaks.

“Purple Haze,” Fugo explains without really explaining. He gives a half shrug and stares down, but he’s startled when Narancia surges forward and kisses him. Of all the reactions he had been expecting, that has to have been the last on his list.

It’s not as if kissing is new to them. They’ve done it plenty of times before, when they were together. Before Fugo chose to stay behind and watched Narancia swim off after the boat without him. When his feet had been cemented to the ground underneath him and his heart had been hammering in his chest and his stomach had been doing its best to turn itself inside out because they were all going to die, and nothing he could do or say would change it.

He doesn’t deserve Narancia now. Doesn’t deserve his undying devotion and his freely offered affection. He can’t justify asking for forgiveness, much less another chance at what they had before, yet here they are.

Narancia draws back with a gasp of air. His eyes bore into Fugo’s, searching, and he must find whatever he’s looking for because he’s grinning wide. “You look badass, Panna,” he says and steals a second kiss while Fugo’s brain reels violently.

The next time they break apart for air, Narancia runs both hands and eyes over Fugo, undoubtedly searching for more marks. More changes, and he finds them in the form of Fugo’s hair, which has gotten absurdly long in his time away. He can’t bring himself to let anyone cut it, and it hardly bothers him.

There’s a moment he worries that Narancia might hate it, but Narancia has his hands in the soft, white locks with that same, goofy look on his face. “You look so pretty with your hair like this,” he tells Fugo with so much love in his voice that it almost burns.

“How can I look badass and pretty?” Fugo asks, though it isn’t important. It’s something to focus on. Something that means nothing at all. His hair is inconsequential. A safe topic for him to latch onto until his heart stops pounding painfully in his chest.

“You’re asking me!” Narancia says in a non-answer. He brushes his fingers through Fugo’s hair again and again, and all Fugo can do is lean into the touch that he’s missed for so long. He hasn’t been able to let anyone else get close since that day with the damned boat. It had been like being thirteen again. Where he felt alone and scared; every noise making him jump and check over his shoulder, prepared for something ugly and unspeakable, but the only real, irreparable damage that he’s taken is from his own Stand. A penance for all the hurt that he’s inflicted on those that he cares about most.

“Does Bucci know you’re back? He’s going to lose his mind, but oh! Too bad, because I call Panna time first, and I’m not giving it up for nothin’,” not even to Bucciarati, who Narancia has the utmost respect for. He doesn’t care; he’s waited so long for this, and Fugo came back with new scars and pretty hair. They’re both things he wants to commit to his memory via the longest cuddle session he can get away with.

“Not yet, and I think he’ll understand,” Fugo replies with the barest of smiles.

“Good, let’s go!” Narancia moves his hands from Fugo’s hair to grasp at one of Fugo’s. He intertwines their fingers and tugs hard enough to nearly knock Fugo off balance, but Fugo recovers enough to allow himself to be dragged along.

He still feels like a raw nerve. Fight or flight are just on the edge of his conscious brain, and his ribs ache from the way his heart continues to beat too hard and too fast. There’s a lingering feeling that he doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t deserve any of this, but he pushes the self-hatred down for now. Somehow, Narancia doesn’t hate him, and nothing else matters.

[saphirered]

essek!!! honestly anything lol but maybe (i'll try to keep it vague for spoiler reasons) after ep 131 or ep 124, maybe a confession fic? if you aren't caught up just a general how a confession would go please! i love your writing and blog btw, all your caleb stuff is so 👌👌👌

Thank you for your request and yes I am caught up. I hope you enjoy this one.

Warning spoilers for Episode 124

Essek’s betrayal hit you hard. Sure you’d considered the possibility but being faced with that truth so upfront hurt, a lot. You’d been able to avoid him for the longest of times thanks to the Nein being taken in different directions. You simply couldn’t face him. After the party in Nicordanas you put on a brave face and you agreed with Caleb wholeheartedly but you didn’t have the strength to say these words yourself. Any interaction you had between then and now had been cordial and straight to the point whereas before there were plenty of pleasantries, some flirting even and the realisation your flirting was rooted within your own feelings. You’re a good enough people reader to know that his, at the very least were rooted in affection and before Nicodranas you might have seen a possible bright future for the both of you. Even after his betrayal was revealed your feelings remained but they were overshadowed by your pain. It felt like your heart was ripped from your chest. 

The trust, kindness, his affections for you, were they all just something to be exploited in a bigger plot. He said at first he was using the Nein but he grew attached so had you just been a pawn in a bigger ploy he felt sorry for? So many questions you had asked yourself over the last weeks, months even at this point and none of them you dared to answer so you didn’t. You pushed them aside and moved on. You pushed Essek out of your mind because it was easier than dealing with the pain. Pushing something away only works for so long. He’d come back into your life sooner rather than later. Aeor came closer in view and after the absolute shit show with the Tombtakers all of you were at your wits end. You didn’t want to pull anyone along into this chaos and especially not a certain wizard who’s proven himself to be prone to his desires for pursuit of knowledge and power; a thing you’d be serving on a silver platter but you really had no better options at this point.

The closer to your destination you got the more closed off you became. Face devoid of emotion and voice monotone, direct and without a single break you’d begun to mentally prepare yourself for your upcoming encounter to the point where you were seriously considering you might actually prefer another encounter with the Tombtakers over facing Essek. Your gradual shift in behaviour must have caught some attention as you quickly had a Jester at your side attempting to make happy conversation and lift your spirit and provide distraction. You tried to play along but the pitying smile from Caleb told you about how good a job you were doing. Nevermind the tiefling never quit and you could appreciate that. Jester cares and you were hurting so she did whatever she could to make it better. 

You eventually made it to the outpost and your ‘official’ mode kicked in taking over for Beau when she started butchering Undercommon. You presented yourself with an air of authority and purpose and that seemed to do the job very well. And there he was in all his miserable glory putting on a similar face as yours. He was caught off guard by Jester running in and hugging him and while he looked at you his eyes quickly avoided. Even though the conversations that followed you had no problem looking at him, sure he could feel your eyes burning but your gaze remained cold and distant; the way he had seen you face an enemy and the way you study when in company you don’t trust, watching the danger like a hawk for every single twitch. In this conversation it was very clear he had a hard time keeping eye contact but he was straight up avoiding both you and Caleb and you could put two and two together; shame. He was ashamed of everything he did and caused that much was sure. 

In a more private setting without the continuous presence of Dynasty soldiers the Nein told him everything that had occurred the past few weeks and slowly but surely his facade faltered, the gravity of the situation kicking in and him contemplating, taking in all the information you provided. You didn’t speak to him directly and only gave your input when it came to queries among the Nein having nothing to add directed at Essek. 

“I’ve spent so much of my life focussed on myself, my climb, all of my selfish needs. I’ve never really been trusted and so I did not trust. And I never let anyone close. I have been clouded in my judgement many times for a lot of my life. When I- when you gave me trust, it gave me a perspective that was so agonisingly striking. So easy to see that I refused to acknowledge it at first, even. I would be lying if I said that our paths crossing hasn’t shaken me to the core and I’m appreciative and thankful for this perspective, but you do not owe me trust for what I’ve done.” Those words hit hard and you found yourself biting down on your lip to prevent yourself from speaking. All the feelings you tried to push away so hard came back up and you were fighting to hold them at bay to prevent yourself from saying something you’d regret. Luckily the others jumped in allowing you to keep your silence. 

The conversation continued and Caleb made some good points making sure to make eye contact with you every so often to make sure you were alright and in agreement. You were interrupted after the mentions of Dagen and some shouting outside. You’d say you were surprised but really you weren’t though the sight of the man holding onto one of the Aurora Watch soldiers while presenting the letter he was told to deliver was quite the sight and made you quickly cover up a snort. Not quick enough apparently as some did catch on. Eventually back inside Jester began to insinuate Caleb should show the red eyes on his skin but you quickly shut that down, the first words you had spoken since you got here.

“What are we talking about?” Essek asks confused. 

“Nothing you need concern yourself with.” Your words were colder than you intended but got the message across clear it seemed. They quickly shifted the subject back to Lucien, Aeor, the Somnovum, Vess being indisposed, gathering further allies until you landed on possibly considering bringing Astrid and Eadwulf into this opposed to Trent himself it was revealed or more like confirmed Essek had had dealings with the man in the past, persuading you all not to go to the Assembly. And because Veth slipped up you had to come clean about Vess’ actual state; dead in the hands of Lucien who killed her without as much as the blink of an eye. You were very much aware he was on the brink of a mental breakdown and you couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. 

Hot cocoa was passed around and you did not refuse Beau’s offer of a good pour of whiskey while the conversation continued in regards to the Beacons and some choice of words and theories around the Beacons that could be considered sacrilege among the Dynasty. You were planning out the delve into the ruins Essek suggesting it would be best to go your separate ways until you were ready to traverse Aeor. The conversation ends and you are about to go your separate ways bedding down for the night until you would travel to gather allies and supplies. Caleb stays at your side aware of how you’re handling things but he stops with you before you leave catching Essek by the forearm. 

“Breathe. Just.. breathe that fresh air mindful of the people about. Time. Time. Not weeks. Not years. It takes time.” He was speaking to Essek but you knew the words were directed at you as well. For the first time you deliberately meet eyes looking over your shoulder as you join the rest of the Nein. You were lead to a reasonably sized room, small for all of you but much more preferable to the ice and snow outside. You take time to settle down and eventually sit down with Beau and Caleb.

“I don’t trust any of this.” You tell them hugging your knees to your chest. 

“I’m with you. It’s just too much. Too many risks. To many cards not yet in play that could shake this whole game up.” Beau agrees. 

“But we have to make a choice and Essek is our safest and most certain bet. Every option is risky.”  Caleb has a point and it’s one you’ve been using to justify and be at peace with all of this. 

“I’m afraid that he’s going to realise the pressure is too much and he’ll bolt. Or the Assembly catches up to him before we get back and they’ll rat him out but my biggest concern right now is for the Tombtakers to travel faster than we’re expecting. What if they get here? Our advantage will be gone.” The rest of the Nein having turned into the conversation had to agree with you there. If your or Essek’s enemies somehow got involved you’d be screwed. 

“You got a point. So how do we solve this? Essek said it’s best to go our separate ways until we got our stuff sorted so we can’t really stick around and we’d still be traceable if we split up. It’s a risk we’ll have to take as it’s the safest for both of us now.” Beau contemplates trying to formulate a better plan. You already had a plan and you didn’t like it for one minute but it was all you got.

“I know how we solve this. You give me the amulet and I stay behind. That way they can’t scry on me as long as I’m here. They can scry on us when we’re together anyway and with only one amulet we’re not going to get very far. You gather everything we need, get whatever help we can get and come back here when you’re ready to leave.” You can hardly believe your own mind could make the decision regardless of your personal opinions. 

“And you’re okay staying behind with Essek to keep an eye on him? What if Lucien and his gang shows up?” 

“Beau, I’ll manage. My personal feelings don’t matter in the bigger picture for now. I can get over myself. As for the Tombtakers, Essek’s gonna be a fat load of good when he can’t use his magic. If they get here before you return I’ll get him out of here and to Aeor myself if I have to. Can’t defeat them but I sure as hell can outrun them for a while.” You assured them, a couple of nods and attempts to protest eventually resulted in the agreement. You’d stay behind. One final rest and everyone would be finishing their unfinished business, say their goodbyes and hellos, get their closure and prepare for the worst. Yet you couldn’t see yourself anywhere but here. Sure you wanted to be there for your friends but they could do without you. You were needed here so maybe your own unfinished business had to conclude right here where you are. 

You said your goodbyes and the Nein were off leaving you alone in the makeshift chamber. You inhale deeply and exhale slowly counting to ten in your head and leave the room. The back of your mind tells you this was a mistake and you definitely couldn’t do this but there’s no way back now so you put on your brave face and make your way to Essek’s chambers. In front of the door you wait, count to ten again and put on your brave face before you knock on the door. The door swings open.

“Y/n. I was not expecting to see you. Please come in.” He speaks glancing around you for any of the guard that could possibly hear him. The moment you force yourself to enter the door closes behind you and you can see him deflate just a little, all manner of composure dropping for a moment before he looks up at you from behind his desk. Up front he may appear composed once more but his eyes tell a different story. Panic, surprise, questions, fear and shame. 

“Have you come to say goodbye?” A slight break of his voice at the last word. Oh Essek you really dropped the ball haven’t you, you think to yourself. 

“No actually. I came to tell you the others have left and I’ll be staying behind.” He goes to protest getting up from his seat. Fear, concern and something you can’t identify peak through. 

“So unless you’re planning to take me to wherever they have gone yourself resulting in you having to get back here with all the potential risks you’ve priorly described, I’m staying here and there’s nothing you can do about it so suck it up, darling.” You mentally kick yourself for using that last word. You didn’t mean to but you slipped up falling back in old habits. 

“You’re putting yourself at great risk by staying here so please let me take you back to the others.” He comes closer to you and you stay your ground. 

“Sorry. Not going to happen, Essek. I’m staying. I can’t be scried upon so I’ll be fine.” 

“There’s many more dangers than the risk of being scried upon.” 

“Which ones would you be referring to? The assassins after you? Or maybe the risk of you being discovered? The person who sent the assassins getting antsy and exposing you to the Dynasty?Being a traitor to your nation and a catalyst in a bigger plot you have no control over? The Tombtakers and their shenanigans? Literally anything to do with Aeor? The alleged death and or plotting of the demise of extremely powerful mages? Keeping secrets and being prepared to find or create a scapegoat to cover up the fact that the peace agreement between two nations which is already hanging by a single thread was based on the lies and deceit of another? Or perhaps it’s your uncanny ability to pursuit the path to your own destruction and your terrible sense of judgement and eye for consequences? Oh or maybe the fact that if we don’t stop all of this the world like we know it will possibly come to an end and we’ll could just end up dealing with yet another Calamity scale event? Take your pick because I’m pretty sure I’m already involved in what? All of them? But please be my guest and pick one!” You lost all composure you had but the more you talk the more you realise you couldn’t keep all of this pent up. It does you no good. 

“My apologies. I won’t ask for your forgiveness as-“ You cut him off. You’re on a roll so you’re gonna get this over with while you’re at it; speak your mind openly without restrained.

“Yet you still have it! For some stupid reason I find it within myself to forgive you for all horrible thing you’ve done but the one; I can’t seem to get over the fact you betrayed my trust. That you didn’t trust me when it mattered and that I was nothing but a pawn in your game and you discarded the trust I put in you so easily.” You can feel your voice crack multiple times throughout your words and you curse yourself for doing so. Essek looks at his feet lips tightly pushed together. 

“Perhaps my expectations were too high.” You spat about to storm out of the room but the door remained closed.

“Essek let me go.” You glared at him. He couldn’t even give you that? A departure with dignity before you broke down?

“You’ve said your part I think it’s only fair I say mine. Though if you wish to leave I won’t hold you here. You’re free to set foot where you please. I know I have no right to but I ask only a moment.” You brace yourself already mentally kicking yourself for coming to this decision so quickly and not even being able to tell yourself why you shouldn’t.

“Fine. I’ll hear what you have to say.” You cross your arms and take a few steps back in his direction.

“From the moment I’ve met you I’ve been captivated by you but I simply couldn’t get over myself and admit to myself that maybe what I’m doing isn’t worth the collateral. You made me feel guilt and regret but I pushed that aside because I there was no way back from what I had already set into motion. I meant what i said, I have grown attached to your little group and I would even go as far as to call them friends something I haven’t been able to call anyone. Not truly without ulterior motives. But you’ve always been something more. I know I will repent for my sins but I will not drag you down that path with me. I love you too much to allow that to happen. So I beg of you, do not put yourself at risk for my sake.” Finally he looks at you without looking away or avoiding your direct gaze. 

“I refuse to let you become collateral in my actions. No matter how much I want you at my side I know you simply cannot be and I have come to accept that. Please grant me the dignity of excluding you from my own demise.” 

“What you want and what you get are two very different things Essek.” You definitely heard the proclamation of love but it was said in the heat of the moment so you let it go for now choosing to ignore it. 

“Believe me I am very much aware. Just as I am aware I have ruined what we had and perhaps even the chance of one day earning your love should you ever give it to me. While I may wish I could change the past I would never change meeting you and the moments we shared. The mere thought of your smile makes me feel a fraction of your warmth in this cold wasteland and I could die a happy man should it be the last thing I see. I believe my worst fear to have come true when it became clear I may never see that smile of yours again. I cannot deny my feelings for you so I won’t and I will assure you I am honest and open when I say that I love you. I’d rather say it now before we both walk into our deaths when we set foot in those ruins.”

“I know I have no right to and I will admit I am a selfish man when I hope you will at least tell me that you might have shared my feelings were the circumstances different.” His feet touch the ground and he studies you for any response but finds none. 

“You are a fool. Hopeless. You are selfish and hardly ever look out for anyone but yourself. You would betray anyone if it were to further your own interests or save your own hide. You’d sacrifice anything and anyone to get what you want, price be damned.” You begin stepping closer to him and you can see him break just a little on the inside.

“That’s what I want to believe but I simply can’t. My own mind argues against all the things it reasonably tries to claim you to be. Yes you are a fool but you are also one of the cleverest and most intriguing people I’ve ever met. You’re not hopeless. You are selfish but your selfishness knows boundaries as displayed by your guilt and regret and shame. You would betray anyone but only if it meant you it allowed you to save what you care about and you’d sacrifice anything and everything to protect it. But I still wonder. Was it worth it? Making the choices you did was it worth putting yourself in this place?” 

“No. Most of the results while desired were not worth the cost.” Again the guilt and shame rises. 

“Then you have learned. So I will give you what you need; my honestly. We both know that these flirtations we’ve had are more than just that. Back then I could have seen a future where you and I could have had something beautiful but I will also admit I have not seen the same thing ever since our last meeting. I do not see a future not because my feelings for you have disappeared but simply because it is unpredictable. It’s fickle much like the Dunamancy you study. And that’s exactly how a future should be, right? Uncertain and unpredictable. What we’re walking into is just that. So if we do make it out alive I’m sure that future will be much clearer once we’re no longer on the brink of destruction.” You step up close enough and put a hand on his cheek making him look you in the eye.

“I don’t understand.” He begins.

“Let me spell it out for you.” You move your lips closer to his and when he doesn’t pull away you place your lips on his in a chaste kiss. 

“Do you get it now?” You say as you pull apart. 

“I think I may need another explanation to make sure I caught that right.” He stumbles a faint blush creeping onto his cheeks so you oblige and kiss him again. 

“I love you.” You say leaning your forehead against his. 

“I love you too.” Both of you laugh taking in the craziness of the situation. You went from being upset to arguing to honesty and a confession of love. This truly must be something recorded in some romance novel in Jester’s collection. Ridiculous but true.

“You may be a fool Essek Thelyss, but you are my fool and don’t you forget.” 

[risingsouls]

Recruited: Chapter 18

[Hey, this one actually has a little more meat to it! Anyway, here’s some emotional shit for you. I was actually going to make this go through the fight with Ginyu at the ship, but since Nabs likely won’t be super involved in that, it didn’t quite feel like the natural place to end the chapter the more I wrote. 

Bonus note: while I was editing, “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” by Shania Twain came on Spot.ify while she was *SPOILERS* doing some killing and it was honestly hilarious. 

ANYWAY, as usual, you can find the rest here!]

Nabooru

Nabooru regained consciousness slumped against the same wall Vegeta blasted her into, the back of her head pounding from the impact. She shoved another soldier's corpse from her lap and regained her feet, senses immediately reaching out for first Vegeta's familiar ki. She located the prince's energy. In motion and rapidly zipping across the planet. Frieza's overwhelming ki remained near the ship along with what remained of his forces. Zarbon's was nowhere to be found.

She sensed the approach of the five menacing power levels before she located Frieza awaiting the arrival of the Ginyu Force outside the ship. He did little more than comment that he was surprised she survived Vegeta's attack, confirming that Zarbon had not been so lucky. The pods crashed into the planet's surface not far from them, interrupting any chance for further conversation. Fortunate for her, perhaps; though she survived, she failed to stop Vegeta. A success for her but a failure in Frieza's eyes that could have earned her the most brutal of punishments.

The five members of one of the Cold Empire's most prestigious forces could not have been more diverse. Or odd with their penchant for flair and over the top poses which they showed off in way of introduction and greeting. She recognized the captain from his image on the screen during his meeting with Frieza. The tallest member of the team--Burter--resembled a blue, bipedal snake. Recoome had Nappa's tall, muscular build but kept his untidy crop of ginger hair unlike the bald Saiyan. The smallest member of the team, Guldo, was short and squatty with an extra pair of eyes. Jeice stood as tall as Vegeta, perhaps, and sported long, snow white hair. He delivered the case holding the requested scouters to Frieza. Though unneeded, she took the scouter offered to her and fit it to her face.

She suspected impatience and secondhand embarrassment urged Frieza to send the team off with orders to retrieve the dragonballs and bring Vegeta back to him alive. The tyrant filled their wait time--short, too short--with idle conversation about what he planned to do first with his immortality, and she nodded along while monitoring the meeting across planet at his request. She reported that the Ginyu Force found Vegeta, and that the scouter picked up two other readings with him. Likely the same pair they encountered at the last village they conquered. Within minutes, Ginyu parted from the rest of the group and headed back in their direction. Alone. Vegeta wouldn't go with him willingly, that was obvious. But her stomach churned with the possibilities of why Ginyu would leave Vegeta with his team instead of remaining to force him to comply.

When he arrived, he confirmed her most dire suspicion: all seven dragonballs drifted from him to rest at Frieza's feet. The emperor's glee was palpable and she was surprised he found even the split second it took to end Ginyu's "Dance of Joy" prematurely. Her mind raced with courses of action. Grab a dragonball and throw it. Break it. Try to run Frieza through with a ki sword or decapitate him before he could make his wish and deal with Ginyu's retaliation after. Think up some distraction from the ludicrous request of asking Ginyu to finish his dance to destroying the ship. Escape.

Frieza raised his voice and demanded immortality to the heavens and she found herself inert and unable to act on any of it. Several agonizing seconds passed by with none in the vicinity daring to make a sound. Watching. Waiting. And in Nabooru's case, trying to keep from vomiting on the orange spheres. Ginyu finally broke the silence, voicing what they all were thinking: had it worked? Was Frieza immortal and, therefore, unstoppable as the undisputed ruler of the universe? It was all she could do not to suggest he allow her to help him test it, but Frieza decided on his own it hadn't and deigned to personally track down whatever remained of the Namekians to request instructions on how to activate the balls, leaving her alone with Captain Ginyu and the rest of the soldiers.

She wanted to find amusement in Ginyu forcing the remaining soldiers to bury the dragonballs--the location of which she took keen note of-- and the following try out session the captain forced them to endure to fill the unexpected opening at Guldo's swift defeat (which she only reasoned her way out of with the excuse that Freiza likely wouldn't be pleased if he tried to recruit his last general without his permission), one they both witnessed via their scouters. Her continued monitoring of the battle between Vegeta, the two strangers, and the three remaining members of the Ginyu Force kept her from enjoying the show as Guldo would be the only success for Vegeta: within minutes, his and the strangers' ki signatures hovered dangerously close to zero. Lips parted to relay the information to Ginyu, who was berating the lackluster posing skills he witnessed, only to stop short when another power level appeared. A significant one. With all the members of the Ginyu Force accounted for and Frieza on the other side of the planet, she could only guess that some powerful Namekian warrior had just now decided to jump into the fray. But doubt circulated such a theory: with how proud and courageous the rest had been, why would this one wait so long?

One, two power levels lowered. The third raced back in their direction. All those of the remaining Ginyu Force members. The downed ki signatures were then reduced to nothing, but she was pulled from her confusion, the ever-raging battle between hope and anxiety especially with a new contender she could not identify as friend or foe placed on hold, by a panicked, battered Jeice rejoining them.

"Captain!" The warrior sounded as though he might burst into tears at any moment. "Captain, you've got to come quick! This guy, this Saiyan, just showed up outta nowhere and trounced Recoome and Burter like they were nothing!"

Another Saiyan? Jeice would know Nappa by name, likely, and this power level far exceeded what Nappa could have managed in the short amount of time since she lost track of him. The only other Saiyan she knew of was Raditz's brother. Had he come to Namek? Did that mean the other two who saved the Namekian child were in fact Earthlings? Why would they come all this way?

"A Saiyan? You don't mean Vegeta? He's no match for Recoome or Burter, and the rest of the Saiyans are dead." Ginyu waved a hand, allowing those he hadn't sent into orbit over a sloppy turn or weak arm extension. "At ease, men."

Jeice shook his head. "No, Recoome dealt with Vegeta like he was nothing. But this other guy showed up before we could finish the job with the kid, baldy, and Vegeta and took Recoome out with one blow!"

"What?! That's impossible! No Saiyan could stand up to Recoome and Burter! Let alone so swiftly!" When Jeice failed to rescind his report as a joke, Ginyu growled. "Well, we can't just let him get away with such an egregious affront to the esteemed Ginyu Force!"

He turned to Nabooru. "Keep guard of the balls, and if Lord Frieza returns before I do, tell him the captain went to take care of business."

"What else would I do?" Her question went unanswered and likely unheard as the pair shot off into the sky, back toward the battlefield Jeice left behind.

Her gaze drifted from the relieved soldiers to the tamped down dirt covering all seven dragonballs. With no more idea of how to work them than Frieza, digging them up and making a wish herself wouldn't do her any good. She once more considered the idea of hiding one to continue to hinder at least Frieza once he returned. At this point, destroying them entirely felt like the best move. The endeavor had been exhausting and more trouble than they were worth for Frieza in her opinion. Who could possibly threaten him? No one held a candle to his power and he knew that. Unless he truly worried about Vegeta gaining immortality himself, the continued quest for immortality in the face of each upset only proved how deep his paranoia went. If any other endeavor had proven this troublesome, Frieza likely would have abandoned it, either as a lost cause or place some other retinue of soldiers on completing it. The fact that he stuck around this long meant he feared losing everything no matter how powerful he was.<

Laughter caught her attention. One of the soldiers entertained the others with a series of lewd poses he suggested they show Ginyu when he returned. No matter her decision, she didn't dare risk an opportunity for witnesses to relay her betrayal to Frieza and bring him back to the ship before she could make her move to hinder his wish.

She grasped her scouter and removed it, fingers curling around the device to crush it. The crunch of plastic and static turned the men's attention to her. One folded his arms and clicked his tongue. "Why'd you do that? We just got these scouters and you go and break yours? Do you like being blind or something?"

Orange-yellow energy swirled in each of her palms, further heightening the soldiers' confusion, glances exchanged between each of them. "Has this boring planet made you lose--"

Nabooru extended her arms and fired a wave of ki, overwhelming the squadron for a clean kill. Save for the one that had enough foresight to spring into the air to avoid the blast, arms crossed and shielding his face from the flash of light and debris.

"You really have lost your damn mind!" Panic struck her as his hand twitched upward toward his face, his scouter. Nabooru cursed under her breath and shot upward. She grasped his wrist halfway to the device in a crushing vice grip. The soldier yelped in agony in lieu of protest when her free hand tore his scouter away and destroyed it. She pressed her hand to the middle of his armor, power coursing through her body once more to center in the palm of her hand.

"Please, I beg you. I won't tell Fr--"

She didn't wait for him to finish his warbling. The blast swallowed him as it had his comrades, leaving no more trace of him behind than dust carried off by the planet's pleasant breeze.

"So, you did survive my blast. I thought I sensed your pathetic power level, but it’s difficult to say among the rest of the mediocrity here..."

Her body went rigid and she whirled around, senses and gaze locking onto the unexpected presence. Vegeta stared up at her from the ground, hands on his hips and a wicked smirk on his face. His armor and battle suit had taken further damage in his bout with Recoome, but outside of stray blood and dirt staining his flesh, he seemed to shrug off the shame of being so thoroughly trounced as Jeice suggested.

Nabooru drifted back to the ground but maintained her wits and guard. Vegeta remained a potential adversary to her despite their shared goal. "I was hoping for a little peace and quiet," she answered, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. "And then you showed up."

"Too bad for you," he responded gruffly but not without humor. "Where are the dragonballs?"

Nabooru nodded toward their location. "Over there. Buried." He glanced in the direction she indicated, and she added, "Frieza tried to make his wish but they didn't work. He sought out the last few Namekians to find out how to make his wish."

A growl rumbled from the prince. "Figures. Kakarot and his cronies were right, then." He stalked toward the ship and indicated she follow with an impatient wave of his hand and a glare shot over his shoulder. "Let's go. Consider yourself my prisoner now because you won't be leaving my sight. Got that? Try anything stupid and I will kill you."

Nabooru pursed her lips, nose scrunched in distaste, but followed him back aboard the ship. "You want to track down a collar leash to make sure I don't go anywhere, too?"

"Don't tempt me." 

They trekked through the ship's hall, dodging debris and stepping over corpses of the unlucky retinue Frieza brought with him. They ducked into the crew locker room and storage area, one of the few places on the ship that seemed to have escaped the havoc wreaked upon it since arriving on Namek. Nabooru followed Vegeta's order to lock it behind them, a seemingly unnecessary precaution when everyone outside of Freiza and the Ginyu Force had perished, and from what she could sense, were still engaged in their own affairs.

"Where's your scouter?"

Nabooru turned from the pin pad near the door to face him. "I destroyed it. Before you showed up, I had planned to dig up the dragonballs and hide at least one to keep Frieza from getting his wish. I didn't want the communicator to pick anything up."

"Hmpt…" He pulled the damaged armor over his head, tearing his gloves off with his teeth and kicking off his boots. "That makes you useless in keeping a watch out for Frieza. You could have been in the middle of that little scheme of yours and gotten caught."

"Don't insult me. I'm not an idiot." Nabooru flipped her ponytail and crossed the room to her storage locker. She pulled off her glove and rested her palm against the scanner. With her own battle suit tattered from Vegeta's attack, she decided the current lull was as good a time as any to swap it out for the spare set she brought with her. "I taught myself how to sense energy. I heard you and Nappa talking about how the Earthlings could do it without a scouter, so I decided to figure it out. I wanted any edge here I could get."

Vegeta didn't reply and instead headed toward the back of the room for the showers, peeling off his battle suit as he went. He switched the water on and stepped in. "Good. Keep watch then."

She rolled her eyes and mock saluted him, yanking the tie from her hair and removing first her armor then her battle suit. She was halfway through pulling the fresh top back on when she slowed. "Vegeta, where's your tail?"

He glowered icily from behind the glass door, and she imagined the usual lash of his tail that would accompany a killer glare like that one. "The Earthlings cut it off."

"Oh…" Nabooru slid her armor back over her head and seated herself on one of the benches. She lifted her leg and pulled her burnt red stockings over her feet and up her legs. "You mentioned Kakarot earlier. That was the name of Raditz's brother, wasn't it? He's here? That other power level that showed up a bit later to your fight with Recoome?"

Vegeta grunted, seemingly more focused on scrubbing his face than listening to her. Still, she continued, keen on taking advantage of what would likely be her one chance to shed light on all the confusion surrounding the last few months and fill in the gaps in her knowledge. "So those other two that were here...they're Earthlings, then? Why would they come here though?"

"The same reason you and I are here: the dragonballs." He finished scrubbing the dirt, blood, and grime from his body and kicked the door open. Dripping wet, he stalked to the general storage cabinets, leaving puddles in his wake. "If they listen to Kakarot, they'll be heading this way with their radar and hopefully whatever password they need to summon the dragon."

She almost asked why they wanted them, but assumed Vegeta wouldn't have cared enough to ask. "You don't seem worried about that." She slipped her feet into her boots and replaced her gloves. "Are you going to let them summon this dragon and then steal the wish from under them?"

"Precisely. So long as Ginyu keeps Kakarot busy, it will be no problem."

Nabooru hummed, intrigued by the order in which he named the two men currently engaged in battle from what she could detect. "What Jeice said is true then. Ginyu didn't want to believe a Saiyan defeated Recoome and Burter. Kakarot must be an impressive warrior, then, to first cause you guys and then the Ginyu Force so much trouble."

"Tch, whatever." Nabooru glanced back at the Saiyan, slight amusement dancing in her golden eyes as he angrily jerked a new battle suit of a dark gray hue on. "I'm stronger now, too, so if Kakarot decides to be a problem, I'll kill him."

She hummed, aware that his claims of gaining more power were in fact true after the beating he took from Recoome. Another boost in his strength to further increase the ever growing gap in their power. Annoyed as she was by it, she had one last question she needed answered before either of them could be distracted again. She chewed her lower lip, twisting the hair tie between her gloved fingers.

"What happened to Nappa? Did Kakarot kill him?"

He snorted. "No. He should have, though."

Though his words should have relieved her, for it suggested the chance he still lived, dread twisted her stomach into knots. "Where is he, then? All intel I received suggested he never left Earth."

"That's because he didn't." Vegeta finished pulling his gloves on. "I killed Nappa."

Nabooru was on her feet before she could stop herself, her anguish transforming to rage at the confession. "You what?!" Leather creaked as her hands balled into fists, and Vegeta's continued unbothered demeanor only heightened her anger. "Vegeta, how could you?! Nappa was nothing but loyal to you! Basically raised you! Not to mention one of the very last--"

"Don't patronize me, woman."  He turned to face her fully, dark eyes voids of nothingness. He spoke with the authority of a parent chiding a child that couldn’t know better: “I don’t have to explain anything to you, but killing Nappa was a mercy. As a warrior, one he would have preferred to than being unable to continue to fight. Then or potentially ever again. He was useless to me and himself.”

Her emotional response far outweighed reason, any understanding she found in his words based in her personal and cultural understanding of herself as a warrior or what she had gleaned of the Saiyans. “That’s a leever dung excuse and you know it! You could have easily gotten him back to his pod and sent to the nearest base! You just…” Alarm bells rang in her ears but rage silenced the warnings to stop while she was ahead. Before she said something she didn’t mean and knew was far more complicated than a black and white right or wrong. “You wanted to kill him! You wanted to because you’re a monster! You’re a monster just like Frieza who--”

Her back slammed into the far wall before she saw the attack coming, before her senses caught the quick uptick of his energy as a warning. Vegeta yanked her down to his level by her armor, and his other hand clutched her neck with just enough force to restrict her breathing and bruise.

Rage once more burned in his onyx eyes, a sight somehow less concerning to her than the emptiness she witnessed there not moments before. She met it with her usual defiance, stubborn scowl fighting to keep the natural pain and panic from her features that came with being forced into such a vulnerable, compromised position.

“How dare you,” he seethed. Fingers tightened on her airway, and she bit back a pained squeak. “How dare you compare me to him. I should kill you right now. You’ve given me the information I need, and I’ve more than humored your shit long enough. You’re a weakling, and you’ve more than outlived your usefulness to me.”

She grabbed his wrist, this time unable to hold back her gasp for air or avoid fighting back through the instinctual need to live. Her mind clouded from the lack of oxygen and her lungs burned. Then, the tightness around her neck subsided. She sucked in a heaving breath and just barely managed stretched her arms outward in time to catch herself and keep her face from slamming into the tile floor. She rubbed her neck and refilled her lungs.

“Pathetic…”

Her fingers curled into her palms. Pathetic. A weakling. A whore and a traitor. She could almost feel the blade of ki in her hand, visualized it piercing through his armor, his chest, out his back. His blood dripping from the wound as she forcefully reminded him how powerful she was. What it meant to cross a Gerudo warrior, even one that had a higher tendency toward mercy than many others, scorned and pushed too far. But she knew she couldn’t take him. She knew he was right that he far outmatched her, would stop her attack before it started. And though she wanted to fight him anyway, to engage him in what would likely be a final, infuriated assault, she remembered what was at stake. Home. Her people and seeing them again. Returning to the life she dreamed of night after night and so desperately wanted back. The one ripped from her to serve and do the horrific bidding of a tyrant. Even if the chances of dying far outweighed those of actually making it home with two people ready to off her, if their odds of defeating Frieza depended on everything working out perfectly in their favor without a single hiccup, proving herself to a man who would never see her worth again, who had written her off as the worst sort the moment Frieza promoted her, felt insignificant.

Jaw tight, she pushed herself back up to her feet and refused to meet his gaze. The tension within the enclosed room threatened to suffocate her faster than his hand at her throat, but she refused to break it. To speak to him. She had nothing to say between her anger and grief. No matter how her mind whispered she should swallow her pride and apologize to some degree for comparing him to Frieza, she refused to entertain the idea. Her conscience would cease to matter when she was murdered or finally, finally, made it back to her home.

Any inner turmoil she battled was forgotten when a pair of ki signatures approaching and landing outside of the ship alerted her and, if his glance toward the side meant anything, Vegeta. “Finally.” He strode to the door and opened it. “Let’s go. Keep your mouth shut and stay close to me. Once the dragon is summoned, we’ll ambush them. Got it?”

He didn’t wait for her reply and disappeared into the hall again, the tap of his boots on the tile quickened with his revived urgency. Nabooru bent to retrieve the dropped hair band and pushed her hair back into her usual high ponytail, twisting the elastic around her thick, crimson locks. With the fleeting consideration to steal the wish for herself, use it to teleport her back to her homeworld, she followed Vegeta out of the ship. Though she had little faith the prince would keep his word to her when this was all over, she would keep hers. Her desire to do it for him and the justice he deserved waned, but freeing herself from Freiza meant freeing her people from him. Thus, no matter how tempting, sabotage was out of the question.

She would continue to aid Vegeta for now. Until he made his wish and killed Frieza. Until she could escape Namek and return home.

[sergeantjhart]

Task 02 - The Third Degree

The interview was a good idea. Jesse knew that with at least some certainty. It was a way to at least know who they needed to keep an eye on, to try and weed out anyone with bad intentions before they even stepped foot into the town. It wasn’t flawless by any means, but maybe it would do them better in the future than just welcoming anyone off the streets...They didn’t need another Kit in their midst, after all. 

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t dreading it. It was, in essence, a job interview. And sure, he was already slotted in to take on the role in the newly formed council and had been part of making this whole interview a reality, but that didn’t make it feel any less like a means of proving his worth to be here. That he was here for a purpose and here to stay - hopefully, anyway. 

He cleared his throat as he sat down across from the interviewer and recorder, faces and names blurring just a bit as he instead focused on the questions being asked. 

Where do you come from?

“Originally from Chicago,” he answered simply, shoulders lifting in a bit of a shrug. There wasn’t that much more to it.

How would you describe yourself as a person?

“Uh-” he hesitates a minute, considering the question. How would he describe himself as a person? He’d never had to really think about it before. “I don’t know, really. I guess loyal, driven, a leader. At least, I aspire to be, anyway.” He hated talking about himself. It was easier to concern himself with others and not deal with himself. 

How many walkers have you killed?

It’s an interesting question, truly. The number of walkers a person killed spoke to their experience out there in the apocalypse, how they were able to handle themselves in this hellish world. It also took a special kind of person to keep track of that. 

In the beginning Jesse could remember avoiding it at all costs. They didn’t know anything about this ‘virus’ or these people - were they still people? Were they alive? Was it possible to get them back? But when it was life or death, Jesse chose life and chose his family, time and time again. 

“I don’t know, honestly. Avoided it for a while, but when it was necessary it was necessarily.”

How many people have you killed? Why did you kill them?

He knows that this question is meant to be since the outbreak, he knows even to anticipate it. Yet he can’t help thinking back to the war, to those he had killed without all that much thought. Sure, another example of kill or be killed, another example of doing what needed to be done. And yet...

But even without considering before the answer doesn’t really come easily. Because he remembers all the blood on his hands, what he’s had to do to survive. When months had gone by and walkers became common creatures they all knew had to die and weren’t going to be coming back - well, the lines blurred between the living and the dead. He didn’t like to admit it, wanted to pretend that sentiment wasn’t true...but in that period before he’d stumbled upon Fairvale and had a little sense and hope knocked back into him --

“Jesse?” 

His name pulls him back to reality a little and he looks up at the interviewer, clearing his throat. “Uhm, 8 people. I think. Wait - 7, I guess...” He folds his hands together tightly, certain that it wasn’t the answer they were expecting or looking for. It’s written firmly in their expressions even as they try to compose themselves. A killer as part of their council? Had they just opened themselves up to another Kit? 

He tries to tell himself it had to be done, every death at his hands were for a reason. First because of a bite that had been hidden away, one that transformed the former companion into one of those things. There hadn’t been any consideration in that one, even if they had become something of a friend. They didn’t really count, either - technically they were no longer a person when Jesse pulled them off the boy and slid a blade into their temple. It was the kid that was truly his first, one that had reminded him so much of Liam, that he’d come to want to protect just as much as his own baby brother.

Bitten on the forearm, terrified of what was going to happen to him, the group stood around him with solemn expressions. Perhaps because they all knew what needed to be done but none of them was willing to step forward and do it. In part also because the boy’s older brother had fallen to his knees beside the younger, clinging to him for dear life with seemingly no intention of letting anyone else get close. 

“We - You have to help him.” He still remembers the look of desperation in Liam’s eyes as he pleads for Jesse to save him, to keep their friend from dying at the hands of this - disease. But Jesse’s no doctor. All he knows is a bite means death and becoming one of those monsters. But if the disease can’t spread then maybe there’s a chance? The idea of removing the infected limb turns even his stomach, brings back flashes of memories that he’d buried down deep - so similar the situation and yet so incredibly different. 

But living with one arm less than before was better than dying.

“Hold him still -” 

In the end, it didn’t even matter. While it didn’t seem that the disease would take him, it was the blood loss and infection that did. And that blood was now on his hands, seeping into his skin, burned into his memory. 

But what came next was worse, a grief stricken older brother to the boy that lay dead on the operating table (though realistically it was nothing more than an old bar top, with supplies that never should’ve been considered for the task at hand). When they’d pulled Liam towards him with a hand around his chin, ready to snap his neck at any moment. You took everything from me, now I’ll do the same to you. 

If the roles were reversed, Jesse wasn’t sure how he would’ve reacted. But somehow a life for a life didn’t make sense. He tried to plead with him, talk him down...but eventually there wasn’t any choice left. If he wanted to keep Liam alive (and he’d rather die than let anything happen to him) then pulling the trigger and putting a bullet in the brain of someone he’d begin to consider a friend was all he could do...

That story was still fresh in his mind, one that replayed in a loop with different (sometimes better, usually far worse) outcomes if he closed his eyes for too long. But he’d be lying if he said it hadn’t gotten easier after that. To say he’d killed a person, a human, living person - but he’d done it because it meant surviving. Keeping himself or his family alive. 

Are you searching for anybody?

“Yes.” He may have stopped in Fairvale to hang his hat and to have somewhere to call ‘home’, at least to some extent, but he wasn’t going to give up on his family. He’d just needed to refuel, recuperate, make a plan...

“My parents, my little brother, Liam. We got separated when a horde of ‘em came through. I told them to run while I drew the walkers away...” There had to have been a better solution -  he thought that over and over since that day. They should’ve stuck together. But in the heat of the moment it seemed like the best option, and he’d assumed they’d circle back and find each other again without issue. They’d done it again and again. Told him to hide, told him to stay there - and he’d always managed to find him again. 

But not this time. By the time he’d circled back to where he’d last seen them there was no sign of them. And he searched. And he tried not to think of what it meant that he couldn’t find them, that they weren’t here, that this wasn’t as easy as it had been before.

He stumbled upon other groups of survivors, pockets of people who had their own agendas and ended up on the wrong side of his gun in the desperate search for his family. But Fairvale had been the first place that actually sparked a little bit of hope in him. Maybe they’d found it already - no, that hadn’t been the case - but maybe they would find it, too. Just as he had.

Why are you here?

It’s a question he’d asked himself a few times since he’d arrived just a few weeks prior. Why are you here? Why wasn’t he still out there looking - not that he wasn’t taking every opportunity to continue the search. “Because I’m no good to them dead. Because I can do something here. Because chasing a moving target is impossible.” He can only hope that that’s been the problem, that with both of them constantly on the move the odds of them finding each other decreased with every passing day. If he stayed in one place - or at least had a place to go back to - then maybe that increased their odds of finding each other again.

Would you consider yourself a team player?

“Sure, yeah. I’ve always operated best on a team, I think.” 

Are you the type of person who will try to make the best out of a bad situation?

The best out of a bad situation. Like trying to survive when the world was burning around them? “I’m not sure any of us would be here if we didn’t at least have some sense of that.”

What skills do you have that will benefit the community and your fellow survivors?

“I was in the marines, a few years back. I’ve been told I’m a good leader. I try to keep the best interest of the people around me at heart. And I’m not a bad shot.” 

Can you handle yourself in a crisis?

The answer, again, felt pretty obvious. “I think I’ve proven that already, but given we’re all still standing here i think for the most part the answer to that has to be yes for all of us.” They were living in a crisis - for over six months now. If they couldn’t handle themselves in a crisis then they were either extremely lucky to still be alive or already dead.

What are you willing to do to protect the people and things you care about?

“I -” He’d already killed to protect Liam. He’d more quickly step into the line of fire than let anything happen to those he cared about, if he knew it would keep them safe. “Anything.”

Do you have any pre-existing medical conditions our medical staff should be informed about?

This was another question he wasn’t looking forward to. His disability was often hidden from others, behind a pant leg he looked no different unless you knew to pay attention to the slight hitch in his gait. For the most part it didn’t hinder his abilities - running wasn’t as easy as it had once been and he couldn’t be on his feet for lengthy periods of time without discomfort, but he imagined almost everyone suffered those ailments if only in a very distinctly different way. 

He just didn’t want people looking at him like he was broken. At least not in that way. He’d seen the pitying gazes all through his recovery. This, as much as he hated to say it, could be a fresh start. 

But he also wasn’t stupid. He couldn’t do all of this own his own. Sometimes, he’d need a little extra help. 

Pulling up the leg of his pant to reveal a hint of the prosthetic beneath, his shoulders lifted in a slight shrug. “I’d prefer to keep it discreet, if possible.”

[missbugaboo]

That Other Guy (1)

"Why does it matter so much to you? What's so terrible about Adrien Agreste that you can't stand him as your competition – even though it changes absolutely nothing for you? What in magic's name makes him such a hateful rival?" Or, Chat Noir finally learns who Ladybug's dream guy is, but somehow, he's not pleased at all. For more reasons than one.

LadyNoir, Adrienette.

fanfiction.net / AO3

Next chapter

Chapter 1: An Equal Share of Luck

“Wait so are you telling me that the guy you’ve been talking about, the one that has been my oh-so-lucky rival for the past two and a half years, the one that has so successfully blocked each and every one of my tries to get close to you…

That this guy is Adrien – FREAKING – Agreste?!”

Ladybug froze in her spot. She was taken aback by the remark, certainly, but the aggression ringing in her partner's voice was even more startling. She turned around slowly, expecting to see a predictably  petulant expression on his face – the irritated glare of a child who was once again refused the toy he believed he had a full right to. She knew there was more to it, of course; knew that behind that mask of sulkiness was the real pain of unrequited affection, even if it was so heavily coated by the petty jealousy that was also undoubtedly there.

It turned out that even that knowledge had not been enough. It had failed to prepare her for the new, solemn look of true hurt and ire she saw now. It was suddenly clear that he was no longer jealous, not only so, anyway – and she almost winced when she realised that right now, Cat Noir was judging her most severely, and the outcome clearly wasn’t in her favour.

The glare he was giving her was of disappointment before anything else; she supposed it would have been piteous, too, had he not been so very angry with her.

And by the look of it, he was furious.

“I can’t believe it,” she heard him mutter as he rubbed a gloved hand against his face. “Of all people for you to pick, it had to be him.”

“And why does it matter so much to you, Chat?” Ladybug responded eventually, feeling the anger rise in her own chest but still trying to keep her cool, for both of their sakes. “What’s so terrible about Adrien Agreste that you can’t stand him as your competition – even though it changes absolutely nothing for you? What in magic’s name makes him such a hateful rival? You knew there was someone else, I told you that as soon as I realised how serious you were about your feelings... Because believe it or not, the last thing I’ve ever wanted is to hurt you. And yet here you are, making a scene just because you don’t like the guys actual name!”

“There is much more to dislike about him than his name, trust me,” Chat drawled in response; a new derisive note resounded in his voice. “What I really hate about this entire situation though is the fact that you would reject me, again and again, for someone you don’t even know. Call me crazy, call me weak, but learning about that hurts more than any cataclysm I could possibly put on myself.”

Their eyes met again, Chat’s cold gaze once again rendering her speechless. She didn’t know how to answer him; she doubted there was anything she could say that would not rile him up even further – something she was not at all willing to witness – but at the same time, she didn’t want to argue with him. Or to add to the pain he was undeniably feeling.

Still, there was little she could do if he insisted on discussing the subject in such an aggressive manner, which, again, would not change as long as she did nothing.

“And what if I do know him?” she asked weakly at last, praying inwardly that the suggestion would not add insult to injury. She felt the first tears gather in the back of her eyes, but she ignored them, determined to keep her emotions at bay until this horrible conversation was fully over.

To be fair, she wasn’t even sure when it all began in the first place. They’d been patrolling the city as they always did on Wednesdays, aware that, for some reason, this was when the late night akuma possessions usually happened. They’d been jumping from one building to the other; her, talking about her own mid-week exhaustion, while he’d tried to cheer her up with his terrible puns and absolutely ridiculous attempts at flirting.

All in all, a typical behaviour on a most typical patrol.

It was then that they’d come across another huge poster of Gabriel’s new teen-oriented collection, featuring none other than the main designer’s young son – which really was just another unsurprising occurrence. The city of Paris was once again covered with Adrien’s photographs, much as it had been nearly two years prior. Though, fortunately for all, the new advertisement didn’t cause half as much excitement as the aforementioned cologne ad, something for which Ladybug was almost as grateful as the modelling teenager himself.

Ladybug had her reasons to be proud, having resisted the temptation to ogle the posters at any given opportunity, reducing her obsession to several replays of the TV version of the ad alongside a few discreet glances at billboards that adorned the streets.

Of course, she just had to give one of those glances now; and of course, Cat Noir noticed it at once.

It didn’t seem particularly dangerous at first. Sure, she knew he would tease her, but then again, he always did whenever another boy was concerned. It didn’t matter who the said boy was or how much of a threat he really was – he taunted her about Luka in the same way he joked about Nino and Max, unaware that she knew all three of them and that not all of the gentlemen were completely indifferent towards her.

There was no reason why his remarks about Adrien should lead to anything more serious than that.

The heroine was proven wrong quickly enough, however. As one word led to another, his comments changed from humorous to earnest, and soon he was asking her questions she had no means of answering. She had no idea why he was so adamant this time, why her thoughts on Adrien suddenly seemed to mean so much more than her opinions about the boys that had been the topic of their talks in the past.

All she knew was that, somehow, he had managed to put two and two together and figure out the secret she’d been so determined to keep.

And as stated before, the discovery clearly made him go nuts.

"Chat? What if I actually know him?" she repeated hesitantly when she'd realised he was not willing to grace her with his answer without another prompt on her part. She saw him bite his lip nervously, before he bowed his head and shook it and let out a strange hollow laugh that was so very unlike him.

"Forgive me for being so blunt, but the last time I checked, Adrien Agreste did not have too many friends to brag about," he responded eventually. "A few, perhaps; but certainly not enough of them not miss you out in that crowd... And since I know he's got more than a soft spot for you, he sure as hell would have reached out for you and made that dream relationship of yours a reality before you could blink your pretty lashes at him twice. Even being the fool he is, he sure wouldn't have missed a chance like that."

"Stop calling him that," Ladybug warned him, only to realise that the unexpected cracking in her voice made it sound more like a plea than anything else. "Even if you have some scraps of information like that, which I'm certain is just some groundless gossip, you clearly don't know him. And you don't know me either if you think I'd lie to you about any of this. Why would I lie?"

"To save face, perhaps? So that you don't have to admit that your grand true love is really nothing but a shallow celebrity crush, aimed at a boy you could not have met save for the few times when he was stupid enough to get himself caught by some akuma or other. But it's too late for that; too late to fool me, to stop me from realising that all my efforts mean nothing compared to a pretty face and a wealthy background. Maybe it's better that I finally know it now."

"You don't know anything," she objected heatedly, no longer caring about the mist that covered her eyes and indifferent to how she must look to him right now. "You don't know me. You think Adrien would have to recognise me in my civilian form but that's just it: I'm not Ladybug in my real life. I've been telling you that for as long as I can remember, and it was only your stubbornness that kept you from understanding it. I'm nothing like the girl you know; I'm clumsy and insecure, so much that I can't even muster up the courage to talk to the guy I like without stumbling over my words, much less speak of any of my feelings to him."

She swallowed painfully as the first tear fell down her cheek. She was still gazing at him, willing him to look back at her once more, so he could at least see how genuine her present confession was. He didn't; and as painful as it was, she realised that there was nothing she could do but go on.

"You're so sure that I can't be close to him, and maybe you're right. Maybe I’m really not, because honestly, why would someone like him even look at someone like me? I'm sure that you could meet me in real life and you wouldn’t pay any more mind than you would to any other passer-by on the street. But that's the thing about Adrien: he does notice people, as insignificant as they may seem. He's kind and selfless, ignoring  his fame and his wealth for the sake of his friends, treating his classmates as equals when he easily could have been yet another Chloe. He could have been conceited and self-absorbed, using his father's position to wiggle out of responsibilities in the same way she does.

"I know it still may not be enough to convince you or even if it is, it won’t change the way you're feeling or your opinion of me, but that's the truth. That's the boy I fell in love with over two years ago: not the model the world knows but the honest, considerate classmate I've been blessed to meet myself. The boy who'd go to any lengths to become my friend, even when I could hardly form a sentence while talking to him, or when I confused him with my outbursts or made him deal with my crazy, ever-changing moods... And yes, he does see me as his friend and nothing more; but you more than anyone should know that this is hardly a reason to stop caring for the person you love."

It was her turn to look away then, as she reached for her yo-yo and readied herself to depart. She didn’t see the way her companion's head had jerked up at the sudden silence, his eyes wide with astonishment as he searched her face and figure, as if expecting her to pick up her speech where she'd left it.

She did no such thing however, confident in her belief that all that could matter had already been said. With the magic device in her hand, she looked as if she was going to leave at any given second and yet, it was clear that something still prevented her from going.

Whether it was the feeling of Chat's stare boring into her back or the silent, only half-realised plea that he was sending in her direction, she had no way of telling.

Whatever it was, it made her turn around and face him at last, their eyes meeting for the very last time that night.

With a heavy sigh and a far heavier heart, she said, "We've been taught that our deal with fortune is that of the opposite kinds – I obtain or the luck while you get none. The truth is, when it comes to love, I'm no more lucky than you are, Cat. The only difference is that you were always brave enough to speak of it out loud."

And with that she was gone, fading into the night like a phantom in the mist, leaving him alone on a rooftop that suddenly seemed terribly cold.

[smallhatlogan]

Why Nonbinary Borderlands Fans are Mad About Zer0′s Pronouns, In a Timeline

2012

Zer0 was introduced in Borderlands 2 as a character meant to be absurdly mysterious in almost every way.  Zer0 is apparently not their real name, they seem not to be human (but it’s unclear if they’re an alien, robot, or something else entirely), no one knows where they came from, etc. Still, in Borderlands 2, they defaulted to he/him, and was assumed male.  It’s worth noting that Borderlands 2 also featured Bloodwing, Mordecai’s pet alien bird. In the original Borderlands Bloodwing was referred to as he/him, but switched between games to she/her. This is explained outside the game by Burch, who says that Bloodwing’s species changes gender halfway through life.

2013

Gearbox released the Diamond Plate Loot Chest. In it was the “Pandoran Gazette” an in-universe newspaper. It included an “Ask Doctor Tannis” advice column, the last question being:

Dear Doctor Tannis,

I have heard you are acquainted with the vault hunter known as "Zer0". I have been meaning to ask - that's not really his true name, is it? Hell, maybe Zer0 isn't even a "he". Do you have any details on this mysterious figure?

- Curious in Old Haven

Dear Curious,

I am indeed acquainted with the towering stack of leather and poorly-written poetry that so many refer to as "Zer0". As you have correctly noted, "Zer0" is not the Vault Hunter's true name. Zer0's actual name and gender are (CONTINUED ON PAGE 9)

Page 9 was not included. To my knowledge, this was where it was first seeded that Zer0 may not be male. 

November 2, 2014

 In a panel titled “Playing as a female character panel - Does it Matter” during PAX Australia, Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford discussed Zer0’s gender:

“The other things that’s interesting to me is sometimes when there’s characters that don’t have a gender or have an ambiguous gender I’ll choose them...In Borderlands 2 we left Zer0’s identity very ambiguous. What gender is he?” *crowd laughs* “We need better pronouns, don’t we? Don’t we need better pronouns?” (Timestamp) 

“What’s the gender of Zer0?….That says more about me than it does say about Zer0, the fact that I use the pronoun he when I describe Zer0. In fact, um, we purposely have left Zer0’s gender ambiguous. There’s a lot of folks at Gearbox that like to think that maybe Zer0’s of a particular species that doesn’t have gender- That is more androgynous.”  (Timestamp) 

(Timeline continues under cut)

November 25th, 2014

The first episode of Tales From the Borderlands was released. Anthony Burch answered this question on his Ask.fm: 

To my memory, tumblr blew up with excited nonbinary fans. Prior to seeing screenshots of this, I really didn’t have interest in Borderlands. The idea of a cool nonbinary character who used they/them pronouns, admist a virtual desert of representation, made me play through the entire series as fast as I could so I could catch up in time to see these pronouns in action. For a long time afterwards I’ve seen other nonbinary people expressing the same sudden interest in the series after learning this about Zer0. Because, yeah, it was a pretty big deal. 

2015: 

Zer0 appeared again in episode 5 of Tales, released almost a year later after the first. Their voice had changed to one that sounds more ambiguous in terms of gender, but Zer0 was still being referred to as “he/him”. Anthony Burch was one of the writers on this episode. Afterward, he answered this on his ask.fm:

Since he claimed it was honestly a mistake, nonbinary fans held out hope. There were posts going around tumblr clarifying that yes, Zer0 was still nonbinary, and still was meant to use they/them pronouns. It was just a mistake made by a thoughtless cisgender man. Of course, then some presumably-cisgender fan goes to Burch, and validates him, because clearly a character can’t just up and CHANGE pronouns! It’s not like anyone ever does that in real life! 

It’s not a fair point. It’s a dumb point from someone who has no stakes in this.  (Another thing worth noting is it has only been other characters who referred to Zer0 as he/him. Zer0 has never made a point of standing up for their own pronouns.) After this Burch just kind of gives up on the whole idea. 

This statement about characters being “progressive enough not to misgender someone” is weird, because the characters, even the sympathetic ones, in Borderlands have often blatantly failed to be progressive. The original Borderlands has the worst of it, it’s your basic 2009 edgelord shit. There’s blatant misogyny, not to mention the extremely homophobic joke surrounding Mr. Shank (and within that the transphobic joke about his girlfriend being a man in a wig). Burch only started writing for the game in Borderlands 2, however. It’s a huge step up, but there’s still a lot of bigotry. Captain Scarlett makes a “no fatties” joke. Mr Torgue fat-shames Ellie. Mr Torgue uses the R-slur. Multiple characters slut-shame Moxxi. Incest jokes surrounding Scooter, who also is implied to be a huge creep towards women.  Heck, there’s the entirety of Sir Hammerlock’s Big Game Hunt DLC is a racist, colonialist mess. Its antagonist is implied to be gay, one of two gay male characters introduced thus far, and he’s a pathetic, creepy stalker.  This is the game series where there are two common enemy types whose names are straight up ableist.  So citing characters as being “too progressive” rings hollow with this context.  Besides, trans people are often misgendered, even by people who’d otherwise be considered progressive.  Burch left Gearbox the same year, so he’s not entirely to blame for what anything afterwards. He just set a pretty bad precedent.

2019:

Gearbox did seem to take the “make a new nonbinary character” thing to heart.  They give us Fl4k, again a nonhuman character, who uses they/them pronouns. And okay, I love Fl4k, but like most nonbinary people I’m tired of all nonbinary characters being robots, aliens, or otherwise non-human in appearance (a trope that yes, Zer0 falls into as well). Still, Fl4k is cute and having a nonbinary playable character who uses they/them pronouns is cool! I definitely plan to play as them. Many nonbinary fans were suspicious though, it seemed likely that Fl4k might be meant to appease us and they could keep on using he/him for Zer0. We were proven right when they released the gameplay preview on May 1st. We hear Zer0 called “he”. None of us are surprised, but it still hurts, we felt like we’d been baited with Zer0.  Besides, why can only one character at a time be nonbinary? Why can a bird change pronouns but not a person? Why was a writer allowed to go out and promise this if it wasn’t going to be followed through on (yes, he didn’t use the word “promise” but telling a marginalized group something like that isn’t something you can just “forget” without people feeling betrayed)?

And that’s where we’re at, as of me writing this. I feel like there are some comments I’m bound to get on this, so I’ll answer them here: Why are you making such a big deal about this?

Me typing a few paragraphs isn’t making a big deal. But I feel misled and baited. After a few years of no clarification after Burch promising us they/them Zer0, a lot of people hung on to hope. A lot of people became big fans of Zer0 because they’re a fun, badass, nonbinary character. Their design is really, really rad! And heck, they were (at least for a time) the most popular playable character in Borderlands 2. Telling everyone, in-game, “actually Zer0 was never really a he, they’ve been a ‘they’ this whole time” would have been HUGE. Like how Blizzard made Overwatch’s poster girl, Tracer, canonically a lesbian, and then revealed their badass gruff guy (who fills the roll of your basic FPS protagonist), Soldier 76, to be a gay man. They/them are still not widely accepted pronouns. For us who use them, it’s difficult to convince people not to default to something gendered. Especially when we fail to appear completely androgynous. I’ve been told Zer0 can’t possibly be nonbinary because they have a deep voice and “masculine” body shape. But real nonbinary people come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of voices! 

What about Fl4k?

As I said, I’m very happy about Fl4k. They fall into some problematic tropes even more than Zer0 (as Fl4k is verified beyond a doubt to be a robot, and has an “acceptable” androgynous shape to them). I don’t know their voice yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if it also fell into the category of “acceptably androgynous”. Fl4k is new and already “they/them”. Zer0 is an established character who already has a lot of fans among a bunch of different groups of people. There’s definite value in demonstrating a character can switch pronouns, since pretty much every nonbinary person who uses they/them haven’t used those pronouns their entire life. Besides, there can and should be more than one nonbinary character.  Fl4k being nonbinary but not Zer0 kind of feels like Gearbox expects us to shut up and be happy with what we’re given.

What about nonbinary people who use he/him pronouns? Can’t Zer0 be that?

Those people are real and valid.  However, we’re talking about real people versus a fictional character. I admit I’d feel better if it was stated, in-game, “Yeah, Zer0 is nonbinary and uses he/him”. But even then, it’s REALLY EASY for cisgender people to ignore that information and write Zer0 off as male (And knowing gearbox, they’d put it somewhere easily missed. I’ve surprised so many straight people who’d played through Borderlands 2 with the fact that Sir Hammerlock is gay, simply because it was only verified in a side quest). And you know, we were promised they/them, so like, not doing that kind of sucks. Also I think it’s really important to normalize they/them.

So what are we supposed to do about this? What do you expect to change, anyways?

Honestly? I don’t expect Gearbox to fix this so late. In all likelihood, that’s way too much dialogue to re-record. But I still think it’s worth making our voices heard. We shouldn’t silently put up with this kind of thing. Other people will pull the same shit, being either unsympathetic or unaware of the harm they do. And heck, it’s unlikely, but maybe Gearbox will at least acknowledge their wrongdoing.

Also, it’s maybe worthwhile to ignore canon, and keep referring to Zer0 as “they/them”, or if this whole thing is news to you, it’s not too late to start. It would mean a lot to nonbinary fans, and make a point about how Zer0 is regarded.

[cursedserpenthq]

(zach mcgowan, 32, cis male, werewolf) Blimey! Is that (ARVED LESKE)? (HE) is the (LEAD VANGUARD) on the Cursed Serpent and has been onboard the ship for (TWELVE YEARS). Legend has it they are (DEVOTED & PERCEPTIVE), but don’t get on their bad side, because I hear they’re (FEROCIOUS & DEFENSIVE). Aye! Stop staring! (VED) has their (SABRES) out! (ooc: Gray, PST, 28, they, none)

THE CURSED SERPENT

Captain Bradway wasn’t always a captain, and Arved Leske wasn’t always a name that was known and feared through Port Royal and far beyond. First, they were a sea-hardened sailor with a good heart and a boy with a terrible secret, and little else. Scott literally pulled Ved out of the gutter, despite having witnessed the horror of a young werewolf mauling a few men to bloody pieces. They’d had it coming.

That’s how Ved had existed, until then - tooth and claw. He and his mother fled the Luna pack when he was only a child, after his father tried and horribly failed to rise through the ranks. Not long after, she was slain during the full moon. Hunted, like an animal. Alone, Ved slunk and struggled his way through the world, fending off the cruelties of man and nature alike. It made him hard, but not heartless; Scott could see that, and, slowly, earned the trust of the half-wild creature he’d found. If it weren’t for Bradway, Ved wouldn’t be much of a man at all - or, he wouldn’t have lived to be anything. The old man was even able to secure a solution to Ved’s struggles to contain the beast he could be, aided by a sorcerer his researches had led him to. With that locked away, Bradway was confident that Ved would make an exceptional, if unusual, asset to his new crew. Ved wasn’t so certain - about losing that part of himself, terrible as it was, or about staying on with these pirates. It was Scott’s word, Scott’s faith, that got him onto the ship in the first place.

Ved quickly strove to be useful around the Serpent, and he was. But, as he grew, it quickly became plain enough that the boy had something fierce in him, something that could be frightfully destructive. Again, it was Bradway who brought him to heel. Not perfectly, perhaps, but. With sword in hand, Scott tried to show Ved what that power could do, when controlled, and what it meant to fight alongside and for your crewmates. Soon, Ved was joining the vanguard as they boarded and raided ships and fortresses. Eventually, he led those same missions, his prowess in close quarters proven over and over. It wasn’t that Ved enjoyed the murder and maiming; Scott would never have tolerated such a soul. He was simply suited to the task, stronger, quicker, sharper than any human, more resilient, sharper of ear and eye… and, from brutal experience, prepared to be merciless. Legends of his violence - some horrors truer than others - soon began to precede him, and the Cursed Serpent. Which suited the captain’s needs, really. These tales added some menace to their flag, made prize ships more likely to give in without a fight and merchants and fences less likely to haggle. Whether or not Ved likes being the subject of rumors and ballads is pretty damn irrelevant, at this point. Not much he can do to stop it all.

Ved’s always kept on the fringes of the crew, but not unpleasantly so; he’s just got a great deal to hide, and never wanted to test Bradway’s care and trust by getting too close, slipping up, and doubtlessly creating terrible problems for them both. In all his time on the Cursed Serpent, he’s never told a soul but Bradway what he is, or where he came from. He doesn’t plan to. Even among the vanguard, where his ties are truly battle-tested, Ved doesn’t believe for a second that a soul would stand with him if they knew the truth. And he wouldn’t even entirely hold it against them. At the same time, in some sad way, he’s wound up estranged from half of himself - from the animal that’s been bound and tied away under his skin for so long. It’s supposed to be a piece of him, it used to be; now, it’s a stranger, and the thought of releasing it has become more frightening than anything else. So, really, Ved’s hardly a proper werewolf anymore. But he’ll never be human, and that means he’ll never be free to live as he likes unless he keeps his secrets to himself. The Serpent has been his home for a good while, now. Honestly, he’s not sure where else he’d go, what else he’d do. If keeping most of the crew at arm’s length helps him avoid those questions, he’ll do it. The reputation helps with that. New recruits, certainly, tend to give the master of the vanguard a wide berth.

The death of Captain Bradway struck Ved from a few directions, all painful. Scott was more than a leader, more than a parent, more than a mentor and friend to Ved; he was his first real, meaningful experience of anything like kindness. Moreso, as the vanguard, Ved feels personally responsible for Bradway’s demise. Maybe he couldn’t convince the old man not to come along, but… if only he’d been closer, in that raid, there to look out for Scott the way the captain had looked out for him. Ved’s sure the rest of the crew sees some guilt there, some failure, whether or not that’s fair or productive. Maybe he’s right, maybe not. He certainly blames himself, and that’s been weighing heavily on him. Heavier than he’s admitted.

SECRET

Ved’s secret is nothing less explosive - potentially - than the fact that he’s a werewolf. He’s well aware of how his kind is seen by the world, and with all he’s survived and done, isn’t about to argue that the risk isn’t very, very real. Nor is he going to go around sharing this dangerous truth with just anyone; it’s under control, has been for years, and there’s no need for them to know. Not their problem. Captain Bradway made it his, and in doing so, made it possible for Ved to have a place that finally felt like home - he doesn’t expect anyone to be so understanding, especially given how long he’s been lying to them.

KEY RELATIONSHIPS

THE MUTUAL SUSPICION For whatever reason, Ved and this character have never been able to establish even the comradely trust of sharing a ship. There’s just something off, not right, unsettling, and time hasn’t changed that. Ved’s not the type to avoid people, and that’s a hard thing to do aboard ship, anyway. But. Whenever he has to share space with The Mutual Suspicion, his hackles are clearly raised - and so are theirs. He won’t like being forced to work with them, or being pushed to take their word for anything, no matter who’s trying to convince him it’ll all work out. Captains included.

THE AUTHORITY ISSUE Ved never openly defied or disagreed with Bradway, never gossiped or backchatted about anything that passed between them, as captain and master of the vanguard. He also hasn’t started any problems shipside, with boatswains or first mates or anyone else of any sort of authority, since those early days. In fact, he tends to keep the rest of the vanguard in check. They tend to be some of the better-behaved crew members, while onboard the Serpent, at least. (In port, they’ve something of a reputation for rowdiness.) But. Times are changing, and the old captain’s gone. Ved’s not a big fan of change, generally, and he’s wary of what might become of the ship’s officers now that Bradway’s gone. Power does things to a person, and there’s power up for grabs. Those officers might feel the same about him, looking at the understated sway he holds over the vanguard. Or they might misread things entirely from the opposite angle, and presume he’ll just follow orders, as he always seemed to do when Scott was alive. Maybe he was Bradway’s dog, as they say… but Bradway’s dead, and mistaking Ved’s earned deference for any sort of thick-headed lackeyishness would be a bad mistake.

THE COMRADES IN ARMS Every ship needs a strong vanguard, a cadre of fighters ready to charge over the side and start a raid, by sea or land. This is one of the most dangerous and deadly jobs in their trade, and they know it. It’s among these people, this pack of bloodthirsty, easily riled pirates and butchers, that Ved wound up finding his purpose on the Cursed Serpent. Bradway feared that this role would draw out the worst in his werewolf find, and perhaps he was right to. Nonetheless, the old captain couldn’t deny that Ved was every bit as valuable as he’d hoped - there, at the front, in the thick of the fighting. It didn’t take long for Ved to win the confidence of the once-dubious vanguard, and he’s since come to a position of natural, informal leadership within this portion of the crew, risen there by virtue of his (supernaturally) powerful presence on the battlefield. The vanguard genuinely trusts Ved, his judgment, his skill as a warrior. As they all adjust to life without Bradway, some difficult questions might get asked. For instance - who do they respect more? Their leader, or their captain? This isn’t a conflict Ved will welcome, or encourage. But he also won’t take well to anyone trying to step on his fellows in the vanguard, just for speaking their minds - even if that talk smacks of mutiny and treason, it’s only talk. Right?

THE ONE WHO KNOWS BETTER Ved’s been on the Cursed Serpent since before Bradway was captain, long enough for at least someone on the ship to have gotten to know him more than most. While many of their crewmates beyond the vanguard do their best to avoid or ignore him, this character is familiar enough to read Ved’s rather reserved moods and reactions. Perhaps they’re not deeply acquainted, or, maybe it’s rather intimate - either way, there’s some odd, quiet comfort in this connection, for both parties. Whether or not they admit it, that’s for them to figure out. 

ANYTHING ELSE

Questions have been answered!

[lokaneiscanon]

Mighty Thor in Thor: Love and Thunder rant

Seeing Natalie Portman returning to reprise her role as Jane Foster, nevertheless wielding Mjolnir, finally getting the treatment this character deserves, was surreal to say the least. I had just started reading Lords of Midgard, the 8th issue of Mighty Thor (2015 - 2018), and had fallen in love already. But I didn't suspect at all that Taika Waititi would pull this card in Thor: Love and Thunder, considering Jane was barely mentioned in Ragnarok. The news about my favorite actress portraying one of my favorite characters coming out of the blue - you can imagine the excitement. Alas, I quickly remembered what the fandom thought of that comic (at least on tumblr) and imagined it now growing tenfold, cuz not everyone in the MCU fandom reads comics but pretty much everyone wants to watch another Thor movie. And yes, many fans weren't ready for this step, still recovering from Sam Wilson getting the shield in Endgame. Which is completely fine. We're not obligated to like everything Marvel throws in our faces, we're allowed to criticize and express our opinion on the internet or wherever. What is not okay is mindlessly hating, and even worse - using false facts to support said opinion.

I have seen some people using the argument that it is one of Marvel's worst selling comics. Which has already been proven wrong by multiple sites, including Comichron, just Google it, as I did myself. I read multiple posts, ones saying how good Jane is doing as Thor in sales, others disproving this, so I checked for myself the numbers at the site mentioned above month by month to be sure. The comic truly had its downfalls as the story progressed but in my opinion it's normal for the 1st issue to have more sales than the 21st. If we compare it to Unworthy Thor, which started running a bit later and followed the now unworthy Odinson, the data shows the latter had more sales. But then again, while Might Thor was at its 17th issue, Unworthy Thor was at its 2nd. Also, they later crossed paths, shared comic issues, it's fair to say they go hand in hand and Jason Aaron, the author, probably doesn't want us to compare them, as they complete and compliment each other's stories. Still I decided to check the comic that made Thor unworthy in the first place - Thor: God of Thunder (2012 - 2014), which seemed to me more "comparable" to Might Thor (2015 - 2018). *I keep putting the years it was being released so as to not be confused with previous Mighty Thor issues, whole Odinson was still Thor, please bear with me* So yes, the numbers were pretty close, but from what I saw, Mighty Thor had the upper hand if we compare first issue to first issue and so on. (In defense of Odinson, we have to take into account that this data is only from the US and does not include digital sales. Also, he's been around since the 50s. We could argue Jane was a breath of fresh air that some Marvel fans were indeed ready for. As a non-American, and also a person without a hint of knowledge in economics I cannot take into account inflation and whatever else has prevented or enabled Americans to get their hands on the comics or has affected prizes through the years. Bear that in mind.) Moreover, from what I saw on Comichron, both comics had much competition - God of thunder was released along with Avengers vs the X-men, the Uncanny X-men, pretty popular at the time, and the Goddess of Thunder faced Civil War 2 and DC Universe Rebirth (yes, DC is in the game too), also dominating with tremendous sales for the longest time. Yet I stick with my original statement - both Thors are valid and shouldn't be put against one another regardless of profit. Because at the end of the day what will matter the most is the story. And boy, what a story it is.

Now, I haven't read the Thor: God of Thunder, but as I was doing research I found one very well written summary and explanation of Thor's arc and his becoming unworthy and I will post a link below, because I honestly feel I wouldn't be doing this comic a favor by describing it without having read it. Which I plan to do in the future, tbh. It's a fantastic prelude to the Mighty Thor (2015 - 2018) that I've come to love. First, I'd like to ask you all to stop hating on the comic without having read it first. It doesn't make any sense and being petty for the sake of being petty won't benefit neither you, nor anyone, really. Now, about the comic itself - the art is magnificent. It's just gorgeous. Mighty Thor isn't , thank all the gods, sexualized, she is pretty buffed and generally looks like a warrior. As it is with the other characters, I dare say. The background truly captures the essence of every world Jane finds herself on. Action scenes are just the right amount and balanced with dialogue well. On a side note, it's pretty funny to read/listen to in your head the Shakespearean English cursive in which Jane talks as Thor. The plot line branches beyond this comic, starting from Thor: God of Thunder and leading to the War of Realms. And it is elaborately built in every issue. You don't know what to expect, yet it makes sense when it happens. Which leads me to the characterizations. My God, what a treat Loki is in this. Clearly, my opinion is kinda biased, since he's my favorite character, but you never know which side he's on. What his motivations are. And it just feels so... Loki. His writing is brilliant. Almost makes me forget what the MCU did to him. Also, he gets some daddy time with Laufey (not as kinky as I make it sound). Frigga/Freyja is just as awesome as in the MCU, even more, at least in the comics she calls Odin out on his shit, who btw is I guess an asshole in every version and universe. Malekith, the main villain, is unbearably despicable, I want to tear every page he is on. He really was mishandled in the Dark World, if you want some true action with the dark elves, you are welcome to enjoy. I saved the best for the end - Jane Foster/ Might Thor. Now, if you think Dr. Foster spends her time boasting about her worthiness and how Odinson is just called Thor, but she is Mighty Thor, you are horribly wrong. She just... does her job. Because the hammer chose her. Because there's no one else to do so. That's it. If you think there's some feminism involved, yes, there sure is, but it certainly isn't the reason Jane became Thor in the first place. It was not the creators going SJW because it's trendy, as such a mindset is honestly offensive to any descent creator with any self respect, but a well thought out story arc, which, I repeat, you have to read the comic to understand. Jane is not at all whiny about the hate she gets in-universe, not only from foes like Odin and who-not, but from Shield and generally people whose asses she's saving. Her having cancer is not something they pulled to provoke sympathy and make her look like a victim - on the contrary, she is a damn hero and a victor. I don't want to give out spoilers, but her being Thor is actually a giant sacrifice that no one really appreciates (both in-universe and in the fandom). She is not Thor to prove she can be, or just to prove "women can be heroes" - she doesn't have to. She is simply needed by the realms and so she does her job, even though she is called a thief, persecuted and generally hated. All that matters is that the hammer finds her worthy - the beauty and simplicity of that fact you will find out, for the last time, if you read the comic.

I'm not making you read the comic or watch Thor: Love and Thunder. I myself don't know what to make of this film yet because there's barely any information about it. I only know it will be based on the comic so that's a reason for my hopes to be up already. On the other hand, since I didn't like Loki's characterization in Ragnarok, I'm not sure what to expect from Taika. There are valid reasons to not like the idea of Jane returning to the MCU as Thor, which you are entitled to. However, reasons such as "why does everything have to be political these days" are not. Because if I had to make a list of everything politically related in the MCU, it would take forever. Steve Rogers kills nazis is the most blatant example. Make of it what you want. But I think we're far enough into the 21st century to realize art and real life are not that separable. It's undeniable that art affects people and that is to say, people everywhere. And they all have different opinions and aren't gonna like everything media is offering to them. And I wish I could simply tell you not to watch the movie but I'm a Marvel fan too and I understand that I can't just take away Thor from you because I want Mighty Thor as well. But none of us can stop Marvel from producing it. So, to quote an image I saw recently, I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people. Let the rest of the fandom enjoy what they want to enjoy. Yes, ik I can play around with the tags and avoid posts that unnerve me but, for example, I'm looking up Mighty Thor fanart, which obviously isn't anti-Mighty Thor, yet I get attacked in the comics for anticipating a movie that doesn't even have a full cast yet. Ik I'm not asking for too much when I wish to get the same internet experience (not only tumblr, but also insta, YouTube, Twitter, any site) as the Thor Odison fans, for example. I'm aware I cannot stop all the toxic fans and the trolls but I hope this post has inspired those of you who simply can't envision Jane as Thor, or don't like Natalie Portman in the role, or whatever eles personal preference that doesn't involve political issues and isn't harmful to the community, not to attack every post on your dash with hate. The movie is called LOVE and Thunder, for God's sake. (on a side note, is a franchise that is too afraid to show LGBT characters for more than 1 minute so as to not lose profit from China, THAT politically correct)

Anyway, that was a veeeery long rant, sorry to whoever reads this but, like, please, I put effort into this, hoping this time around I won't be the only positive reviewer of a movie, like I was with Solo: a Star Wars story (yes, I'm still bitter about this), which was boycotted for no apparent reason but was a decent film in reality, and I'm only bringing it up because it has a similar experience to Love and Thunder for getting hate before even being released. I'm not defending a billion dollar company that flopped in box office once, I'm defending the viewer's right to media they are interested in. If you don't like the character, remember - that's your opinion, not a fact that the character sucks. Kudos.

Not very easy to navigate, I advice you to do the research month by month individually for comics you'd like to compare. Also, if you happen to find more reliable data, pls say so in the comments.

Here you have the summary and explanation of the greatness of Thor: God of Thunder, Jesus, I'll go bankrupt if I buy this one too.

Yes, I want to end the sales dispute once and for all, I'm tired of seeing it on my dash. This guy probably explains it better than I did.

@awesomejenlawrence you said you'd like to read this and I delivered

[followingfallout4]

Formal affairs (Maxson x f!Sole) : Chapter XIX - Take me back to the night we met

Previous chapter

Formal affairs directory

Sole still had an hour before dinner, before speaking alone to Alice and not enough time with Maxson. She realised a huge number of things could go wrong out there. Given that, there were too many things she wanted to do and say and too little time to do them in. Or more precisely; speaking to Alice for an hour, a few hours, perhaps more would encroach on her time saying goodbye to Maxson. She needed her sleep but she also wanted to have a proper talk with him before she left. And maybe, just a little, some more than that too. She was itching to get back to the Minutemen, back out there in the field. She hadn’t visited some of her friends in a long time.

Some of them may have heard the rumours. She had sent them messages via couriers, but you could never be sure if they would reach them. Haylen had successfully contacted Listening Post Bravo though. Which was a relief… the man who needed to hear she was alive most knew. Aside from that; she didn’t know how much of recent events had reached the commonwealth.

What she did know is that sometimes she still woke up breathing heavily and she purposefully did not wake Maxson up when that happened. She still heard the gunshot ringing in her ears and she honestly wasn’t as sure as she should be that it wouldn’t paralyse her out there. She had seen it before. With others. They still had a home in the Brotherhood and focussed on other duties as long as needed. Sometimes, with time, their issues faded a little. They learned to cope. But Sole knew she couldn’t just have that going on too… not now. Not when she was needed again so soon. All things considered; Sole had not been as concerned about her mortality in a long time as the day before she was heading out again. For so long she had been the woman who was dangerous because she had lost it all. But this time... things were different. 

Sole felt a hand on her shoulder. 

“Sentinel? I called your name at least three times and you didn’t reply. Is there a problem?” Sole shook her head and shook his hand off her shoulder. “I’m fine, Rhys. Why are you here? Doubt you’re that concerned about me daydreaming?” “ The Elder requested for me to join you to the Minutemen tomorrow noon.” Sole groaned. Really? Was that absolutely necessary? “He did, did he?” “ Yes.” “ Did you accept?” Rhys looked a little annoyed. As if she had asked him the most stupid question he’d ever heard. “When the Elder gives you a direct order…” Sole interrupted him before he could even finish the sentence; “ Fine. Have you been briefed on where we are going?” “Of course.” “ Good. Get your things ready, pack for about a week. I reckon that’s about as long as we’ll be gone.” Rhys nodded and saluted her. “ Yeah, how about we don’t start with…’ she spread her hand and gestured at Rhys’s “ …that. Just stay alive out there and have my and Corden’s back. That’s all I’m asking.” Rhys sighed. “ I am fully aware that we’re not likely to ever see eye to eye but when my superior gives me an order I am wise enough to obey. I will not cause trouble out there.” “You better don’t. Haylen will never forgive me if you end up dead. So do us both a favour and don’t.” “ Elder Maxson told me to protect you with my life.” “ I’m now in charge of you. And your life is as valuable as mine. Look after Corden. He’s a medic with less experience in the field than either of us. I would like to get you both back here in one piece. Is that clear?” “ Cristal.” “ Good. Dismissed.” Her head hurt. It made sense. She knew it made sense. She didn’t know too many other Knights personally. Rhys had always proven to be loyal to a fault to Maxson and the Brotherhood… and discreet when needed. On paper, he was a good call. But she had explicitly asked him to find someone else. So why hadn’t he? ---- After she had gotten into some cleaner and more casual clothes, Sole found herself pacing back and forth at Maxson’s office. Where the hell was he? Had he come back from the shower and was he out here looking for her? She felt like throwing things across the room. There was too much tension in her muscles, she could do with one of those training sessions they had done once before. She had healed enough to fight now. Or so she hoped. Eventually someone knocked on the door but it wasn’t him. It was someone bringing a few trays of hot food, followed by none other than Alice. “ Oh, you’re already here! Great!” Alice looked surprised but genuinely pleased to see her. Her hair was down this time and her clothes more loose and casual. She looked quite at ease. Sole wondered whether Alice had spent time there before….  In his room. During her time *with* Maxson. Before Ryon. Before her. She shook her head. All irrelevant now. “ Hi Alice. I’m already going to apologise if I seem a little bit distracted there’s just… a lot to worry about.” Alice gestured at the seat and took one across from her. How Alice had managed to make herself the perfect host to a place that she spent less time in than Sole herself was beyond her. But she’d done it. Part of Sole loved that she didn’t have to pretend around Alice, another part suddenly realised just why she was technically too rough around the edges for an Elder. “ I feel like I should apologize, actually.” Alice said softly. “ What? Why?” “ Ryon had warned me not to come here asking questions now. To do so afterwards. And that I should stay out of Arthur… Maxson’s love life because of our past. But as soon as I heard that your position was in danger and heard conflicting rumours of you having left him or him having left you I… “ Alice got quiet. “I didn’t want him to hurt like I hurt him again. Not just for the sake of the Brotherhood.”

Sole smiled a little, sadly. Reminded of Alice and Maxson’s past. Their relationship was arranged but only she was aware of that. Alice scraped her throat and continued, this time looking Sole straight in the eyes. “My relationship with Arthur was different from yours. We started seeing each other out of duty but with Rhys I found more than that. I’ve seen girls with him afterwards, but none of them seemed to matter. When you two were together at the Citadel I saw a spark I hadn’t seen before, you keep him on his toes. And then, when he was beside you after you were shot… I’ve never seen him so broken before. Not since Lyons… Anyway i… have learned to read him during our time together. I know that if he is the one who broke it off, that he regrets it already. He still adores you, it’s clear from the way he looks at you. Of the way he speaks of you when you are not there. He can be vindictive but he speaks of you as if you’re some sort of goddess. He keeps you near even though he pushed me and Rhys far away at first. Whatever happened… he is hoping it isn’t permanent. So please don’t… run from him. Not unless you don’t love him anymore.”

Silence fell in the room. Alice was visibly giving Sole time to think. To process the information. Their food had remained untouched in the meanwhile.

Sole spoke up after a good five minutes of silence. She grabbed her cutlery in the meantime. “ I sometimes have trouble with his blind faith in the Brotherhood. When he told me he had received those requests to remove me from the brotherhood. I told him to do it. When he refused I told him he would then have to perhaps let me go.”

“ I’m surprised he did.” Sole didn’t correct her. “Sole, do you love him?”

Sole went quiet. She remembered the moment he’d asked her to be his date. She remembered the sexual tension and her respect for him building. How in time his front crumbled and he allowed her to see the human side of him. The man who’d been through hell and back and didn’t have the luxury to show it.  She remembered their first night together. She felt her hand tingle as she remembered how he squeezed it whenever she needed reassurance or a sign that he was there with her. She remembered the way he looked at her before she passed out from blood loss. She remembered him asking her to come back to him, to not be in the party going after the man that cost him a loved one before. Next thing she felt was something hot on her cheek, trailing down.

Before she knew it Alice had gotten up from her seat and was crouched in front of her, shock and concern in her eyes.

“ I’m sorry I truly did not mean to upset you. I just hoped that perhaps… had I known you genuinely thought you also shouldn’t be with him and that this wasn’t just another idiotic duty-bound choice of his I…”

“ I do. I do love him. But my life was a lot easier when I had nothing to lose. If you don’t mind, I would like to go to him. We need to talk, him and I.”

“ Of course. I can ask my question to you tomorrow morning.”

Sole nodded and looked at Alice. “ I know I’m not the best company right now but… You’re a badass and one of the few people higher up who has immediately given me a fair chance. You’re a good person. And I genuinely appreciate everything you have done for me and for Maxson. I just want you to know that, all right? Thanks for having his back. For having our back. For catching the guys responsible for shooting me, too. “

Alice smiled a little again, still looking worried at Sole. “Anytime.”

Sole shoved her chair back. Breathed in and out loudly and wiped the few tears away before standing up. Alice stood up as well.

“Now; can you tell me where exactly Maxson is right now?”

[justanotherdumpingground]

Chapter Reviews: June 4-8, 2019

Wishful Thinking Chapter 9:

Man, that was mildly depressing to say the least, especially on the MC and Ellen bickering. At least there's Jaime and the pets to keep me company. Honestly, those three kept me from feeling down in this chapter. I didn't pick the premium option to be with Jaime, but I consider picking him as my LI, so it's likely I'll pick it, and all other scenes with him, in the future.

To be honest, I'm not "celebrating" Ellen getting fired despite how much of a jerk she is. In fact, what she said about the MC in a viper den comes off as ominous. As now-former head reporter, her words sound��like a warning on Charlie, who has been acting fishy since his debut. Considering Ellen's level of experience on the field, it's hardly a surprise. Not to mention that Anna having something to say in the end of a chapter seems to take my suspicions into account.

Note to self: get Alec fired and replaced by someone else with a better judgment on the importance levels of news. That would be the ultimate cathartic moment. I heard that he suspends Ellen for a month if the MC says Ellen has been scaring guests like Anna, whereas he fires Ellen if the MC says she caught Ellen snooping around his office. I get that his privacy needs to be respected, but he should also be mindful of guests, and his job includes making sure they're respected. I certainly dislike Ellen for her behavior, but at least she has made the occasional point (e.g. her frustration at her story on environmental disaster sidelined in favor of MC's story on the local library losing a book), and she also has at least one moment that feel human (e.g. overworked but choosing to hide it out of fear of people seeing it as a weakness). They don't paint her in positive light, but at least she still makes sense as a character. Alec, on the other hand, has none of that and therefore deserves none of my respect.

Nightbound Chapter 8:

I'm glad the plot continues to move onward from the previous chapter. I love Vera's dress, and my MC in a period outfit looks fine. A pity I didn't buy it.

Well, hello Josephine Vance. Man, I miss the It Lives series and hope it returns in October as usual. As for Katherine, I have to comfort her and help her move on from her loss. I admire PB giving her some fleshing out on her insecurities, but still miffed that this information is paywalled. Nevertheless, it was a no brainer for me to pick it.

Man, the fight against the ghosts was tough, and it was fun to use the premium dagger and punch a ghost. Not to mention my respect for Cal and Vera has just increased when they chose to protect the MC from danger. Bonus points for Vera, who finally resolves to user her power for good.

Now that we're going to meet The Fate, I'm just anxious how ths figure will react and when we'll encounter Lord Elric again. Looking at the mirror in the premium scene with Katherine shows his reflection looking back at the MC, so it might be possible his monster tear will be acquired at some point.

Passport to Romance Chapter 13:

I think it's for the best for Elliot to be kicked out of his family's company's board of directors. All he does is mooch off of his brother's money as he travels around the globe. It's time he grows up.

The competition between Sumire and Bronwyn (premium scene but I can't resist it) is fun to watch. I have no love for Bronwyn and Carlisle, even if Bronwyn gave meaningful critique Sumire can use to improve her art. It was satisfying to watch Sumire win and call Bronwyn out for looking down on others and touting her own art as superior. Bonus points for the rooftop garden scene with Sumire, where her victory was mentioned, even though she and the MC got cockblocked.

To be honest, I paid less attention to the showdown between Marisa and Carlisle than to the drawing contest. Sure it was great to see Marisa winning against Carlisle, but that was because of Elliot distracting him, which lessened the satisfaction. I swear, Carlisle's worse than Bronwyn, who may be a jerk but still gave valid criticism in the previous chapter. Carlisle, on the other hand, is just a jerk who acts sore for the sake of it. As for Yvette, she made another point on the MC's friends moping too much on their emotional crises. At least Marisa has gotten over it, and I kinda helped with Sumire. Nevertheless, all four of them need to sort out their own messes while MC has to devote their focus on the vlog.

A Courtesan of Rome Chapter 20:

I had to recruit Sabina to my cause, but as an added bonus, it also features her talking about what she wants to do after Caesar has been dealt with. I may not be romancing her, but I have faith she'll get her plans sorted out, especially if she chooses to take over Locusta's apothecary.

Honestly, what was PB doing to Xanthe? Not digging into her character is already a huge disservice to her and the potentially meaningful commentary she can provide as a "regular citizen" trying to get on with her life. Shipping her to Sicily as a way to write her out reeks of human trafficking, which is a very. Moreover, I'm pissed that PB used hee to tear her down and make the MC look good in the process. I don't like Xanthe, but PB's use of the female rival trope just to tear her down reeks of misogyny. This doesn't give women a free pass. Instead, it means PB should write them with the care and nuance they deserve as part of their characterization.

Anyway, off to the gaining allies part. I managed to convince Cleopatra and Senator Lucius, but failed to convince Senator Cornelius because I don't have a high enough reputation. No matter. At least I have the support of gladiators thanks to Victus and Cingerix, so the finale better be epic.

Platinum Chapter 3:

I feel like there's not much to say in this chapter aside from this story starting to remind me of America's Most Eligible. Made up story about one's past, tough competition, and the pressures of being on the big screen. Jaylen should train under a more sensible singer instead of Ryder, and I feel like that won't be the last time we'll see Shane. What if we see him on occasion?

As for how this story is so far, I'd say it's okay. I've been losing interest in the romance aspect as of late, so I'm just focusing on how the MC's story unfolds. It better not make her rise to fame too easy, however.

Open Heart Chapter 17:

The hearing was surprisingly smooth. Only two doctors opposed the MC because of Deflan's meddling, I'm not sure of some other doctors, and I'm glad Naveen arrived to have my MC reinstated. The patients I treated or their relatives (I picked Shonda, who thought the panel's lame, Remy, who thanked me for giving him a reason to surf to the fullest, Sharon, who said I was a bit distracted but still credited me, and Annie, who was nice about my MC e-mailing her often) and the doctors I persuaded helped, though I cringed at Dr. Calais saying that the MC's skill at golf is enough to prove their good character. My only regret is that I didn't pick the option to punch Declan. At least Ethan managed to persuade Mrs. Martinez's son to drop the lawsuit by showing him a picture of his mother in Paris.

Man, I'm glad Aurora stood up to her aunt by saying that she had enough of being assigned cases and told her that the MC has proven to be a capable doctor. It appears that this scene affected Harper's decision to vote in my favor, and I'm thankful for that. Even better, she's planning to move to the MC's apartment now that Landry has moved out and transferred to Mass Kenmore.

Speaking of Landry, I decided to talk to him before it's too late. I'm still angry that he got away with disrupting patient care when he sabotaged the MC, and him bringing Naveen into the courtroom doesn't erase what he did. At least I don't have to deal with him and his unrepentant ass anymore, though at least I said good luck to him.

One thing I noticed is that since Ride or Die, there's no announcement for a sequel at the end of the finale. Instead, it's announced by PB itself outside the story. I guess this is gonna be a new thing from now on. Whatever that is, I'll get used to it.

Man, this story surprised me. I thought it's gonna be average because of my doubt in the quality of the stories as of late. It turned out to be better than I thought because of the colorful cast of characters and emotional moments when treating patients. It was sad to hear of the deaths of Dolores and Mrs. Martinez, heartwarming to watch Remy decide to make every moment to use his limbs count, and scary to treat the patients during the triage. There are also moments to feel awesome, such as helping Sienna break up with Wayne and getting reinstated at Edenbrook. I really look forward to Book 2.

Red Carpet Diaries Chapter 1:

I nearly considered writing into detail on how much I still have no love for this series, but because I don't want to rain on other people's parades, and my own anger has receded somehow, I'm not doing it.

Not surprised that there's no option to say I have no love interest. I may already have one, but I don't think this story should end in a wedding. On the bright side, I get to be with Victoria.

A pity I couldn't bring my beloved ocelot with me on vacation, though at least everyone else is doing well, though what's with Hunt having a beard? It makes me cringe.

Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to feature a boat accident during a vacation? That's just bizarre. And no way am I ignoring Victoria when she's trying to put on a life vest. Especially when she proposed to me at the end of the chapter.

Bloodbound Chapter 4:

Dang, this is one awesome chapter! MC is a cunning badass by tricking Mr. Klempf into freeing her, then the fight scene where she uses a giant mace on him, followed by another fight scene with the love interests and Cal. Man, everything is so intense that I have to applaud the inner circle and Cal for their badassery.

I'm starting to feel worried for Adrian after he killed Langdon in cold blood. I wonder whether this is the result of the serum injected to his body that causes him to become more like the First Vampire, who I'm convinced is Rheya. I also wonder whether she turned more people into vampires besides Xenocrates and Gaius.

Sad that I couldn't afford to find and free the other fantastic creatures. I would've freed them for a backup army like the Baron's prisoners back in Book 1. And that dream MC had with Adrian is starting to make me wonder if Adrian will really turn to the dark side.

[mercuriallycooperative]

One of my long belated Steven Universe rewatch/reaction posts! Wow, I really did have lotsa thoughts about “Alone at Sea”, I can see why this stalled other posts. Also, it’s really long. Again, below is reproduced the unedited text of that reaction two years ago, typos and all. Blast from the past, isn’t it? I’m in no way caught up, so for all I know all these Jasper and Lapis issues have all been tidily dealt with in the meanwhile. I keep seeing other spoilers floating around whenever I browse my dashboard, ehehe... Something about one of the old theories being proven super super legit and ‘it was the truth all a long’ and revalidating some of the early speculative fic? Well, anyway. I’ll get to know the truth in time, I suppose. For now:

“Rewatching Steven Universe: Summer of Steven Edition”

Featuring: More Things I wrote before I did the first week’s worth of episodes!

(I wrote this second, immediately after the one for Monster Reunion. These are being posted in order now, though, finally.)

Week 2/Episode 9 of Summer of Steven (Thurs, July 28)

Alone at Sea

After watching for the first time:

Well then. That happened.

As much as I absolutely adore Lapis Lazuli, I do honestly like the fact that she is upset about what she did in the past, is guilty about the drawing away the ocean and the breaking Greg’s leg and the keeping Jasper trapped in a toxic fusion. Because yeah, those are things that are serious and need attention.

Like, I generally get the impression that during Ocean Gem and the taking of the sea that whole bit was a lot of panic and she probably severely mis-estimated the durability and strength of Steven, Connie, and Greg, because none of the things she was firing at then would have likely killed a gem, maybe poofed them or detained them, and Lapis strikes me as the oh-shit-that-was-overkill-wasn’t-it type. And while an actual “Sorry” to those involved would probably be good, and at the moment I think Lapis is kinda eaten up inside about a load of stuff, I think it’s generally good that she- I think what I’m trying to say is it’s good to see that Lapis is aware about how her actions have affected people.

Okay but Jasper though. I really, really appreciate the show did go into the fact that Lapis was wrong about the Malachite thing, that she acknowledges that she was doing it just to take out her anger on someone she was in control of, who she could feel like she had a reason to kick. I think they probably could have made that a little- not clearer, but maybe impressed the gravity of that a little more, because it did seem a little brushed off and a little like blame was deflected from Lapis there. I think maybe this will be addressed more in the future, though, next time we see Jasper maybe. Because on one hand, Lapis, that was super not okay. But on the other hand-

I get the impression that Lapis was terrorized at least a little on the way to Earth with Jasper and Peridot. Peridot mentions it was her that did the interrogating of Lapis, and “interrogating” puts me on alert right there, but like. There was something about Lapis’ body language, as it relates to Jasper and Peridot and her time on the Homeworld ship that, both now and at the time, made me really uncomfortable. Like. I dunno, my thoughts on Jasper are super nondescript, but she definitely makes me nervous, and coupled with Lapis’ experience trapped in a mirror for 5000-odd years, It’s not unreasonable to think that that is a reason Lapis acted so destructively, self destructively, and seemingly disproportionately.

Not a reason that excuses trapping someone in a shared mindspace so that you both basically kill eachother every day for months and give you both even more trauma. But it all does hint at the sort of rushing-headlong-into-this-is-TOTALLY-A-GOOD-IDEA-RIGHT-oh-god hysteria of decisionmaking that is not born of maliciousness, exactly, not the calculated kind. Just. A lot of bad stuff that ends up hurting everyone around you.

So like, we definitely need to see Lapis deal more with what happened with Jasper, and I think the show could do with impressing the idea that what happened was Not Okay a little more strongly. Like, in a Lapis and Jasper episode of Too Far+Back to the Barn+Friend Ship in terms of real talk, when (I hope) Lapis and Jasper are eventually both on the Side of Steven and Co., maybe.

Now, re: Jasper herself. Holy crap, that was moderately disturbing. Like, I’m worried about her now. (Also, she’s definitely not on Neptune- but definitely well within finding-the-gems-again range. I predict seeing her again before the Summer is out...) Like, she definitely doesn’t have her shit together. And I think- I get the impression that it’s a really unhealthy combination of power-drunk from any of the times she wrested control of Malachite from Lapis for moments, plus the trauma of Lapis using her considerable mental discipline (re: being able to control her hydromancy so well and at such volume) to take out her pain and anger on Jasper.

At the same time- I don’t want to be excusing Jasper any more than I want to be excusing Lapis. Jasper, most recently, immediately turned to threaten Steven after Lapis refused to re-fuse. During Jailbreak, the whole let’s-dangle-Lapis-in-the-air-and-tell-her-”Fuse with me”-and-”Just say yes” set off a number of alarms, and in a meta-sense, given that the Crewniverse has been good about what vibe comes across as a precursor to what information, I’m really getting the feeling something was up there.

It’s just, we haven’t really seen much from Jasper. She’s a threat (an old general) because she was sent by Homeworld (the oldest enemy) and of course some of that (must be) is a product of Homeworld and what they are but the question (one of them) is how much we can say Homeworld has super brainwashed her- because like. With Peridot, we’re getting the impression she’s young. She’s said it- that she’s one of the new Peridots. Presumably fairly recent, after the Rebellion, during the reign of this New Homeworld. And a lot of her, her lack of scope, her loud, bouncing-around superiority and her everything-in-its-place, it may come from the Diamond she served under, but it’s as likely it comes from the Homeworld that she was created in. But Jasper? She’s of the Old Homeworld. The likes of which created Centipeetle and Lapis and so much has changed, we’re told, between the new and the old.

Lapis was trapped in the mirror. Time likely passed so strangely, for a trapped, cracked gem whose purpose was to be a seeing-glass. And Centipeetle was corrupted, her mind trapped in mazes and probably either some amount of pain or some amount of- of insensibility, of hazy dissociation, but living ages and ages on Earth. And the Crystal Gems of course had their post-war cleanup mission of the world, and all the little history contained therein.

They were all, bar Steven and Amethyst, born of old Homeworld and the fires of the Rebellion.

So was Jasper. And of course Jasper had the added something (I won’t say benefit nor will I say misfortune) of seeing Homeworld change before her eyes. The changes that so shocked Lapis were ones that Jasper likely experienced firsthand. Jasper is old enough to have been an adversary on (what seems to be fairly) even keel with Rose Quartz.

Honestly, while I think Jasper is certainly more complicated than The Big Bad Evil Gem and that she’s certainly not to blame for all the badness that’s been going down, not least of which I mean Lapis and the choices she’s made...

I think that it doesn’t give Jasper enough credit, to say “Oh well she’s a product of The System and as soon as we get a chance to say things to her she’ll be toast legit Cheetomom”. Like maybe there’s a whole lot Jasper just doesn’t have the context for because Homeworld sucks and has toxic messages fucking everywhere but like. Jasper still has her own agency. And as far as I can tell, she’s old enough (experienced enough) to know that, the same way Pearl (when she’s not flipping her shit) knows that, the same way Garnet and Lapis know that.

If we respect her at all, Jasper needs to get the same responsibility for her actions/behaviour/personality that all the other characters get shit for when they act mean, or coercive, or otherwise threatening.

We dissect every second of, say, Pearl’s behaviour, or Amethyst’s, or Lapis’, or (a little less) even Garnet’s and Steven’s. And we pick out their traumas and neuroses and pasts and biases and some of the internet screams YOU ARE SHIT FOREVER BECAUSE OF THIS and some of the internet screams YOU ARE A PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL WHO CAN DO NO WRONG but the other parts of the internet (of the SU side of Tumblr) are pretty careful about saying, “Okay you have a reason for this thing, and I get that, but it doesn’t excuse you for the thing, and so accept responsibility, and we’ll move on and love you still”.

Jasper should be treated likewise.

... okay so that descended into a rant about ~70% of my Jasper related thoughts. I’ll probably have more after I end up reading the contents of my dashboard since last night. I’ve totally lost track of the rest of the episode.

Time to rewatch it and pick out more interesting bits!

1) Lapis looks happier, at the beginning of the episode. I like the little bit about Steven reminding her to close her eyes, on account of the last time Lapis could totally see through her wings.

2) It’s interesting how Greg is still keeping himself so friendly, even as his introduction is an awkward you-broke-my-leg-that-one-time. It’s very much the same way he greeted Marty, actually- very cordial even though he was uncomfortable. Very much just being the bigger person, not to be superior, but just. Keeping everything friendly-like.

3) For that matter, regarding introductions, Lapis looks very awkward receiving that introduction- it looks to me like both the okay-I-was-not-expecting-that-introduction-that-was-weird-how-do-I-respond-to-this and the sheepish-kinda-guilty sort of awkward. This is how I interpret it, of course, but...

4) “It was more than one [bad experience” says Lapis, regarding her time at the bottom of the ocean with Jasper. I’m curious what she means by this. More than one bad experience, yes, but- more than one bad experience with Jasper at the bottom of the ocean? More than one with Jasper, including time on the hand ship? I might be forgetting something in the rush of new episodes, but, this seems interesting to me. Or was she referring, there was more than one bad aspect to her experiences as Malachite, both the damage Jasper did fighting her, and the damage Lapis did fighting Jasper, and, in that last one, the damage Lapis hints later at having done to herself in terms of becoming someone she doesn’t want to be?

5) “I don’t deserve this.” Lapis definitely knows she’s done some stuff that’s not on. And she’s had time enough to work through some of the things that’ve happened, and to her credit she’s being fairly open with Steven despite what I see as some very reticent tendencies.

6) Actually, those kind of make sense. Lapis spent over 5000 years in a mirror, as an object, meant for the express purpose of revealing personal information without her consent. Even used as a general information device- or perhaps it was only that Pearl assumed that was her purpose- that’s a long time with very little agency about how she could communicate with others. So long spent having to communicate what she doesn’t want to, unable to communicate what she does, and then shortly after her release being interrogated (in one way or another) by Homeworld, is it any wonder that Lapis wants to work things out for herself and not spill all her thoughts with others? Is it any wonder that she has a hard time doing so?

7) It’s interesting, Steven just brushes aside the “I don’t deserve this” with an “Of course you do!” I think that for a lot of Steven’s life, he was able to solve a lot of problems this way. And a lot of the time, that’s because the problems he was fixing, the personal ones, were because of personally directed aggression without anything to back it up- intrusive thoughts, the perpetual self-esteem gremlins that are made of unsureness and the ghosts of a thousand poisoned thoughts. It’s less common that he’s really had to deal with people who have seriously done a thing wrong some time where he hasn’t been around to see it- he saw Amethyst shapeshift into his mother, he say Pearl’s deception about Sardonyx, he saw Peridot working for Yellow Diamond, and so he can understand that sometimes things need working out. But Steven- he also sticks so staunchly with people, believes so firmly that people default to good- as with Lars, I think in some ways Steven is still naive. And recently, he’s been going through stuff that pushes him to work on that.

8) Who the hell names a boat the S.S. Misery?

9) I do appreciate that Lapis finds the name of the boat and their poor attempts to cover it with a moniker based on her own amusing. I appreciate a sense of humor like that.

10) “Don’t put me in charge!” “You shouldn’t trust me with the boat.” Again, picking through this episode I do see evidence that Lapis is working through a lot of guilt regarding her fusion with Jasper. I think she needs a talk with someone who’s not Steven- but I’m at a loss as to who would even remotely be a good person for that. Amethyst has a 50-50 chance of brushing it off like Steven or being legit serious about it, Pearl would commiserate and have a 50-50 chance of having a guilty-spiral party or giving some good advice, Peridot doesn’t have any of the fusion-related context for this and would likely brush off the whole thing, and Garnet would be great except there’s a 90 percent chance of something in the conversation being horribly upsetting to her, and a non-zero percent chance that Lapis would end up seriously on the shit list. Like. All together with an open dialogue, they’d likely get a good problem-solving issue-addressing dialogue going, but that’s always the case. And how often does that sort of conversation happen.

11) I just noticed Lapis hydromancing the orange juice in her champagne flute idly, and it’s great.

12) Also, actually, when Lapis answers “I’m not putting that on my body” all bluntly about the hat and Greg just takes it in stride, it occurs to me that he’s probably used to that exact reaction from Pearl about all sorts of human things.

13) While I think that Steven is really good at just- being a good balm for grief in the soul, making people a little happier, just for a bit, I think maybe the fact that he keeps interrupting Lapis whenever she starts reflecting is kind of a double ended spear. Like. I think she does need time to reflect and come to conclusions and start figuring out where she stands- as in Barn Mates where it’s pretty clear that she needs some space. On the other hand, it’s likely she’s been spending a lot of time since then brooding, so one day of lightness would probably do some good. Just. It has to be a day when Jasper shows up and the starts of the breach of all the issues floating around. Well, it had to be sooner or later I guess.

14) I honestly can’t tell if Lapis and Steven’s enjoyment of the boat’s foghorn is because it’s a loud, moderately obnoxious noise, or if it’s because it’s a loud, moderately obnoxious noise that’s kinda reminiscent of the humorously timed fart noises they bonded over.

15) Lapis just really wants to help and to impress Steven. Even if it’s in ways *cough* floating water sphere of fish *cough* that are moderately alarming. I think even as we delve deeper into the less pure-cinnamon-roll aspects of Lapis’ character, it’s important to remember that, regardless of the rest of things, the be-helpful/impress-Steven thing is a really big part of her personality now.

16) And, despite the control Lapis must have to do so much of what she hydromances, I think she kinda needs to work on the smoothly-putting-things-back part. Although given, I suspect that may sacrifice speed to some extent.

17) It’s interesting that Lapis quiets Steven when he’s about to start gushing over her powers again.

18) The description of how-to-fish seems very much like some sort of meta-commentary or subtextual information about the current state of affairs.

19) Also, the entire fishing part was just me waiting for something to trigger somebody’s wave of discomfort/trauma about something related for the catching/eating of the fish. Although actually, description of the fish-catching as a metaphorical construct aside, it occurs to me that gems who aren’t heavily human socialized (so, anyone not Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, or Steven) would probably not see have any immediate unsettled response to any flesh-ilfe-form’s blood and internal workings beyond “this is messy”. Like, they’d have no reason to have the awkward sympathetic discomfort that I think a lot of humans get about such things, because of course gems aren’t flesh-life-forms.

20) When the boat starts shaking, I love the fact that Lapis immediately asks Steven what’s going on, like, Yes Lapis the Boat Shaking is a Very Important Human Boating Ritual, Perfectly Normal. It’s great.

21) Okay so wait. There was trouble with something (presumably Jasper) fouling up the rudder somehow (I’m imagining her accidentally getting her hair caught in there to be honest) and that’s legit okay plot is happening. But like. The engine also gave out. Is that a that thing fouling up the rudder can even do, or did Greg just happen to rent a boat that would have a) possibly gotten someone with no gem powers at hand stranded in the middle of the ocean to maybe starve to death and b) stuttered to a stop possibly forcing awkward conversation and weirdness even if plot wasn’t happening around it?

22) “It’s my fault. I’m the one to blame.” For the boat breaking, Lapis? “I can’t stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me.” Okay, that’s guilt, I’m getting, that’s guilt, and probably some pain of injury, and what were those two throwing at each other down their in their minds? For that matter- did Malachite the fusion have even any chance to form a mind for herself? (Maybe it would be better if she didn’t have.)

23) “But it’s not like that anymore,” says Steven. Oh god, I didn’t notice this the first time. That’s the same thing Peridot says when trying to make up with Lapis before she’s ready. And the same point applies here- maybe it isn’t like that anymore, but the past still matters, what’s happened to us and what we’ve done still matters. And I think that Steven, who forgives (people who aren’t Marty or Kevin or Jasper) so very easily, who loves and (almost always) lets go of bitterness (particularly recently as his powers have started working and he doesn’t have to be afraid of not having them) and who’s succeeded (often enough that he’s trusted to do his thing) so much that he assumes his way is the correct one, Steven doesn’t necessarily get so much that even when a thing is done, it takes more than a skip, a hop, and a song to make the past better.

24) “You don’t have to be with Jasper.” Steven, oh Steven. I don’t think that she ever really did. And Lapis knows that.

25) “That’s not it. I miss her.” It occurs to me that her time as Malachite is probably the longest time, the first time, she’s spent in a stable (by which I mean ‘not likely to randomly change without her input’) situation over which she had any control at all for the last 5000 years. Trapped in the mirror, she had no agency. As Homeworld’s/Jasper’s/Peridot’s prisoner, she had no agency. But as Malachite, Lapis was a driving force bolting them together; as long as she didn’t let go, she had a lot of the power. It isn’t an excuse and it certainly isn’t right, but, is it any wonder really that Lapis misses the certainty of a fight against someone she had a reason (and an excuse) to fight, the certainty of a fight that she, for a long time, was winning? “We were fused for so long...“ Longer than any fusion bar Garnet that we have any precedent about.

26) “But- she’s terrible!” Steven only knows Jasper as an enemy, who, you know, knocked him out and also poofed (killed part of his mind probably insists in nightmares) one of his mothers in front of him. And that was his first experience with her- even Peridot, with her robonoids and suchforth, left a more neutral impression (even if this was partially because it happened before Steven had much context at all for Homeworld and what an invasion might mean). Jasper’s alarmingness (see a few points down) and sudden let’s-attack-Steven from this episode probably did not help that impression at all. I think Jasper might be Steven’s next big hurdle of understanding-folks. I hope we get a Jasper redemption, but I also hope we see Steven’s processing the way he distrusts Jasper, and see him (hopefully) decide to give her the chance he’s given others.

26) “I’m terrible! I did horrible things- I broke your dad’s leg, I stole Earth’s ocean- Go on! Tell me I’m wrong!” Honestly, even without Jasper’s sudden appearance, I feel like this episode could have got a whole lot done. Like. This conversation with Steven and Lapis definitely needs to happen. As much as Lapis needs Steven’s optimism and love and brightness, she needs him to stop brushing what she did under the table, she wants him to stop brushing it under the table. It probably makes her feel like she’s deceiving him, like she’s hiding things from him in order to have his support. And Steven needs to stop brushing it under the table so he can better help Lapis, and for his own safety- not from Lapis but in general. This black-and-white view of good-bad, even heavily skewed toward white, could well have him walking into a situation that just needs him to leave it alone for a little, to address very real issues and dangers.

27) Jasper appears, and her expression is moderately alarming. Like, all that fan art of how Jasper smiling friendly-like is still alarming? That alarming, but moreso because in this context it makes her look... like she’s been upset somehow. Like, in the literal stirred around until her behaviour is all in odd order way.

28) Also, given the rest of the day, I’m wondering how much Lapis may be thinking am I hallucinating did my thinking about her so much summon her wait are we still trapped somewhere am I still trapped somewhere is this reality Steven do you see her too? or stuff like that.

29) Okay the Lapis flinching as Jasper approaches does lead me to think that Jasper did something at some unspecified time that made a large mark on Lapis’ Afraid-Of-This meter.

30) “She’s the one you should be afraid of.” Jasper, are you implying you are afraid of Lapis? And hiding it (working through it) because as an old general (an old soldier) you’re used to that much? Also, Jasper, even sharing space with Lapis for months hasn’t taught you that Steven is not his mother? (Then again, it could be deliberate stubbornness as a reaction to any point of view Lapis has...)

31) “That’s not true.” I think, what Lapis means it that Steven specifically has nothing to fear from her.

32) “I thought I was a brute. But you, you’re a monster.” What the hell happened down there guys. What the hell. (Also. Is Jasper meaning particularly things Lapis did to her, while keeping them trapped together? Or is Jasper meaning that she’s seen bits of memories of things Lapis has done in the long-past, before or during the war? During Lapis’ much obscured history.)

33) Okay, the hitting Steven so hard he goes flying (or, for that matter, at all) is just not on. Jasper, we know Lapis wronged you, but that’s not how you continue this dialogue. (On a meta level, with that move that is clearly not okay, is the Crewniverse trying to make two wrongs don’t make a right very, very clear? And also, for that matter, keep Jasper established as Not Yet Good At All but More Complicated Than You Think? There was that magic the gathering color identity tweet or post or whatever by someone of the Crewniverse who also said we’ll be seeing some of that Complicated later, so...)

34) Where is Greg during all this, how much does he see, how much does he hear?

35) “Let’s be Malachite again!” “Why... would you want that?” It’s really, really alarming actually to see Jasper in that position of supplication. Like. Holy shit. None of these kids are okay. And Lapis’ expression seems to put across the same what the fuck oh shit you’re not okay are you.

36) Jasper’s whole Fusion Is Great Now We Can Be Super Strong! Stronger Even That Either Of Us! is really rather disturbing when put into both the context of Homeworld and it’s gem experiments thing and its cross-gem-fusions-are-an-abomination-that-must-all-die thing and in the context of Garnet’s major issues with fusing just to be stronger.

37) But. “We could fly!” I can understand that. We only saw the short shot of them flying in battle against Alexandrite, but, is it possible that between trying to mentally kill the fuck out of each other, that Malachite (how much of her independently there ever was) or Jasper and Lapis just. Flew somewhere as fast as they could go, trying to escape themselves?

38) For that matter- obviously Malachite is a very literally toxic fusion (google malachite gemstone toxicity for more information on that fun symbolism). But in other cases, what’s the difference between fusing solely for power, and fusing because you become someone you enjoy being because you can do such wonderful things which include, yes, flying and being extremely strong? Isn’t that what Sugilite has been, when we’ve seen her? As long as all parties are cool with each other to begin with, seriously, where are we drawing the line?

39) The whole dialogue between Lapis and Jasper is just really, really twisted up. “It’ll be better this time! I’ve changed! You’ve changed me!” promises Jasper, who by Lapis’ own account was the one so much was being taken out on. It’s like. Two abuse narratives being twisted back around upon one another, compounding each other. Yeah... none of these people are okay.

40) “I’m the only one that can handle your kind of power!” It’s tugging at my memory, but I’ve heard this line before. Read it somewhere, in a situation like this... An old Xena fanfic, a Buffy fanfic? Whatever it was, it was not of the good, and both people involved were hurting eachother in exactly this way.

41) Okay so people keep giving Lapis shit about punching Jasper off the boat without apologizing or actually fixing any of their issues beyond airing them a bit, but might I just point out that Lapis punched Jasper off the boat and far away immediately after Jasper began charging Steven and shouting “I’ll shatter you!” ? Steven is still squishy and not at all up to any sort of combat with Jasper, and it is certainly not wrong for anybody’s first reaction to be Keep the threat away from Steven!

42) Is this a new ending song? Like, a new part of the ever-progressing ending song? Huh. Cool.

Well that got long. Lots of thoughts and conclusions. See you next time, folks.

[newsuperliving]

Health Lies You are taught

17.OVER COOKED VEGGIES

When you're forced to eat raw vegetables not to destroy the nutrients, that's been disproven veggies are crammed with vitamins and minerals and regardless of how high the temperature is when you cook them, they will never be depleted, eat them however you enjoy them, just remember that frying them is going to bring a whole lot of other unwanted substances into your body. 

16.NO SWIMMING for 30 minutes after eating

 parents around the world, love this one and you notice, perhaps it was his way of allowing parents to have a rest after a big lunch so they didn't have to play lifeguard, next to the pool, we were led to believe that swimming straight after eating could lead to severe cramps, but there is no substantial evidence to prove this information, sorry, moms and dads. 

15 8 hours of sleep.

Have you ever got to bed with the notion that tonight's the night. Do you want to get your full eight hours of sleep only two tasks in turn, it's just that you're not going to get a full eight hours. We've all been there. Studies have proven that our ancestors had between six and seven hours of sleep every night, so don't throw that but the fact that you're not getting it, as long as you get six hours of decent sleep, you should be just fine

.14 We only use 10% of our brain 

This held misconception has often had us wondering short That's all very well but how do we tap into the 90% of our brains that we're not using.Since the 70s We've been led to believe that we're only using a portion of our noodles but where is the evidence to prove that it's only functioning, scientists have looked at brain scans today and measure the activity at any given time and didn't find a single dorm in that area. The reason that legend is probably believed is because there's a part of us that wants to believe that we haven't tapped into our full potential.

13 LOW FAT and health

 watch any movie about our eating habits and this is one concept that has been disproven. Time and time again, yet we continue to buy these products. We're not putting on as much weight as if we were consuming their full fat counterparts. The truth is, dietary fat is ultra important for functioning health, and not all fat is the enemy, those that tend to low fat diet are generally overdoing it from the carbs, which then decreases insulin sensitivity and competence that storage setting the stage for other diseases but I never choose those full at options. 

12Reading ruins your eyesight,

 parents and grandparents love telling you this and honestly their intentions are secure, but unfortunately not 100% Correct, researchers have confirmed that no permanent damage is caused if you're one to read and for lighting, what it can do is try your eyes out or cause the device to either put your permanent memory. 

11 5 Second rule 

If you have no ideal what that is, it goes as follows, you drop something you're eating on the floor. Pick it up within five seconds it's totally fine to eat, sadly, that's not real because someone hasn't informed the germs on board that they need to wait for 5 seconds. It takes milliseconds for bacteria to contaminate food so rather leave it on the floor or through in the trash can. 10shaving Gives  back thicker and darker hair.

 Imagine if this was real would ever shave their legs again, the only thing that's really happening is the shaving gives a hair blunt tip making it appear thicker

 9Chocolate makes us put too much weight,

 but not the innocent chocolate behind you. We're not saying as much chocolate as you like because you have other health issues to worry about everything in moderation.

8Sugar make kids hyperactive, 

there have been numerous studies done to figure out whether sugar truly does make sure you can look at this, anyway like some others might not have noticed. Interestingly, the studies confirm that sugar did nothing to alter children, but that sugar was often given at occasions. Didn't always apply and there was fun to be had, like at a birthday party. Dr Michael Wright, chief of development and behavioural paediatrics at Oklahoma University Health Sciences Centre confirmed that

7 Vitamin C, prevents cold 

or something unusual pill stories but common cold and how to prevent one that it's hard, what to believe what we're fed ad nauseum every time winter rolls by is it vitamin C will help to prevent the cold or at least short length of time you have what studies have been done which have proven otherwise, concluding that vitamin C had no more effect than a simple placebo. In situations like these, even if you believe it may be a little bit of cash, makes you sleepy, there is a chemical in Turkey, which is said to make you sleepy and we're all for having that nap straight after the Thanksgiving feast, but can we also take trips can nobody eats cheddar cheese so they need to take nap. Experts agree, straight from your big meal Thanksgiving a nation of alcohol, decided to feed novelty wanting to escape your incompetence. Number 12 on more techniques, Dr John Flannery puts it this way, our calories are calories and it doesn't matter what time you eat, or the total calories you take it so likely nighttime snack is in the house. You'll be totally fine. Number 

6 bigger feet equals bigger.... you know

what about those with small feet, . No relation between your feet and you're... intensive reseaarch around all coming to the same conclusion. Hey, there could have been better elsewhere. There was no correlation between the size of the human what percent of yours, it's to see why people would have jumped to this conclusion 

  5drink eight glasses of water a day.

It's believed that drinking eight glasses of water a day this began in 1945 when the food and nutrition board at the National Research Council confirmed that we should be taking in two and a half litre water every day which is from the media and help ran with that but didn't seem to add that so much of our liquid. Some fruits and veggies are made up of 90% water and eating foods like soups also wrapping up the food intake number two

 glow after light. This is a more misperception than anything else and many do believe that our hair and nails continue to grow despite the fact that the body is no longer functioning, it's been proven, that's not the case, but rather the body skin is drying out, therefore retracting, making it look like your hair and nails are. 

 4honey is better than sugar.

 We hope that feeling a lot less guilty sweet honey than you do when you eat sugar. In fact, many fooled ourselves to believing honey is healthy for us. I was told Business Insider scientists would be surprised to hear about the clear superiority of honey, since there's a clear unanimous consensus that the effective high fructose corn syrup is essentially the same, and I'm honey. Number three, 

3human have 5 senses,

 we've always known that humans have five senses right sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch, but those are the only a few. What about balance, tension, sense of time, appropriate section that amazing ability of your body, not walk into things all the time, because so many more than just five senses. Number two,

  2wet hair in cold weather, make you sick. 

This is a bit of an old wives tale and believes if you leave the house with wet hair. You'll get sick, here's the thing, germs and viruses, make you sick, you might feel less comfortable and cold with your wet hair but unless you pick up a virus. Symptoms of you getting sick are slim to none.

1 freaking.

 If you've had a few drinks with your friends, you're always advised to not break the seal because once you do, you'll be needing to go to the bathroom all night long, breaking the seal by the way is a nice way of saying pee that it's not the case that when breaking the seal doesn't increase the number of times you had the only thing that does, is the amount of alcohol use. Thank you guys so much for reading

[high5nerd]

Alone Together--Chap. Twenty-four

Okay one more and then I’m going hermit mode and playing Dragon Age Inquisition for four hours straight.

EW WTF DID I MAKE PITCH WEAR, THAT’S AWFUL.

The Elders always had their own voice, but not within these cases. It was always by the word of Man in Moon, and then their consideration was put into play. The witnesses help deter or confirm the opinion of Man in Moon and the Elders, but it isn't likely that it will matter. In cases like this, everything counted and was gingerly on a balance of justice. One tiny tip of it and the entire thing will collapse out of my favor. I couldn't afford that.

"We hereby declare that in this circumstance, Man in Moon has found you not guilty. Your case has been proven perfectly." Mother Nature said, and I swear to this day I saw a shadow of a smile on her face.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and Alice hugged my side tightly in relief.

"But!" Father Time shouted, causing the jubilee to immediately halt.

"Oh, come on!" Sadie moaned, and Alice slammed her hand against her sister's mouth, hissing for her to shut up or she'll kill her.

Alice can be a little frightening. It's kinda hot.

"You must decide where to continue with this. Either you continue your spirit life as the nightmare king...or you give it all up and become a human." Father Time looked at me gravely.

The hall fell quieter than ever before. Not even Tooth's fluttering wings could be heard over the ear-deafening silence. All the pressure was placed on me...and I had to come up with a decision right there and then. 

Personally, I adored being the Nightmare King. I've been so used to that part of my everyday life, I couldn't imagine myself without it. The ability to phase through shadows, control an entire army, hell, even the robe I wore made me feel more powerful than just an average human. 

But if I chose the spirit life, to continue it, Alice and Sadie would have to never see me again, or at least give up their connections with me. Then again, knowing myself, I would just break the rules repeatedly until the Elders punished me themselves. I would miss everything...the adrenaline rush of immortality, the ability to heal quicker…

But then I wouldn't have Alice and Sadie. They're my life. I've been so lonely and wanting a family, and I nearly had it in my fingertips. The loneliness made the immortality and Nightmare King charade a meaningless thing. Without sharing it with someone, it wasn't...it wasn't worth it. If I had a choice, and if Sadie and Alice would agree to it, I'd want them to be immortal along with me. But knowing that they couldn't move away from their way of life easily like that, I knew it wouldn't be right.

I guess I was silent for too long, because soon Destiny nodded and said, "We'll leave you to decide. You cannot leave this courtroom without your decision, but everyone else is dismissed," She turned to Emily Jane, "Mother Nature will safely bring Alice and Sadie home...and will be informed of your decision when it comes."

I could've blurted out a sudden answer in order for them to not leave, but I couldn't do that to them. Sadie gave me one last hug, a tight one of support, and quickly left alongside with Sandy at her left and North on her right. The Elders left right after Tooth, Jack and Bunny...leaving Alice and I alone.

She touched my shoulder, watching my face for any sign of a decision. When she was met with none, she kissed me and whispered, "Think of what you want, not what we want. The choice is yours, and I'll understand it. I love you, Pitch."

And she left.

….

Three hours. That's how long I was in there so far. I paced back and forth, meditated on the polished floor, even sat in the pews and high chairs to see what the others saw when they stared down at me during the trial. Nothing was helping me finalize a decision. It was an internal battle of either power or devotion to the people I've come to love. 

I know it should've been an easy guess, but even to the most simplest man it wasn't easy to pick. Just think about it for a minute. If someone came up to you and said that for a lifetime-or any period of time-you can rule your own country or be given a billion dollars, fame or even be blessed with awesome powers unlike any human...or live a life that you never got to experience, no matter what bumps in the road comes. 

See how hard it was to choose?

What was harder for me to decide was that if I did choose the life of being mortal, who would I be? I wouldn't be the Nightmare King, the Boogeyman, anymore. I'd be Pitch Black...or Kozmotis Pitchiner, I wasn't sure of which name to choose. Maybe a mix of both. 

How could I easily merge into the lifestyle of the humans? I don't know how to drive, vote, find a job, balance a checkbook or even properly use a computer. I'm like the medieval knight living in 2015 that has no clue what this thing called technology is. 

Not only that, but if people asked, what would my backstory be? Everyone has one. They know their parents, their place of birth, any siblings or family memories, their first home, their ancestry...I can't tell them I was from a distant galaxy in an entirely different age than them! Nor can I lie to everyone and make up a story. I'll most likely forget it anyway. Alice had newfound friends at her workplace that she cherished a lot, and it would be a disappointment if they found out I lied to them about my past or made it so blatantly obvious I wasn't one of them.

...But knowing Alice, she could teach me that. She could teach me everything. I may not have studied financial literacy in the world I used to be in, or learned how to drive a car or even inherited some knowledge from my father and mother that could aid me now. 

Hell, I bet I did and I just have forgotten it over the centuries. But Sadie can teach me what she's learned, as can Alice, and I know the Guardians will keep in touch to aid us as well...maybe even Alice's friends could become mine as well. It's okay to admit to them that I don't know much about the American ways...right? It wouldn't be exactly lying if I said I was a foreigner. Because I was, and that would immediately tell people that I'm still getting used to life that they know well.

I think I've made my decision.

"I'm giving up my immortality and title."

Right as I said that, I felt...lighter, so to say. Like what I said aloud was something I truly felt in my heart that I sincerely meant, no lies or tricks behind it. A pain started pulsing in my skin, literally right underneath it. Everywhere on my body, this throbbing of pain made itself noticeable, making me cringe and look down to see what was wrong with myself. 

I honestly was stunned into shock at seeing my skin prickle with goosebumps and slowly, the glowing ebbing through the pores of my skin turned from the dull grey I was so familiar with, to the olive toned skin I had long ago. A old battle scar on my left forearm appeared, one that I earned in the last battle against the fearlings before they consumed me...it'll be a last memory of who I once was. 

The pain slowly lessened to a dull throbbing, like the feeling when you press down on a bruise. I felt drained of energy, but rejuvenated in every single way possible.

When I stood up, my legs almost gave out. I wobbled like a newborn filly, trying to get used to the new yet old self I used to be and will be now. 

When I opened the door that led to the workshop, the Elders were gone. Only the Guardians stood there, and their heads turned in sync at the sound of the giant, wooden door creaking open. All of their eyes widened, and then broke into giant smiles.

"Pitch!" North opened his arms widely, as if awaiting a hug, "You chose to be mortal!"

I tried smiling and standing up, but I had to lean against the door since my right leg gave out again. Jack was immediately at my side and held my left arm as I stood upright, and I nodded at him that I would be okay. He grinned and flew into the air, full of energy, "This is amazing! You're going to be with Alice and Sadie?"

"Yes, I will," I smiled at them all, "I'm sorry it took a while. There's no turning back from a decision like that."

"We understand," Bunny nodded slowly, "We all would've taken a while if faced with something like that."

"So you're not really Pitch Black anymore, huh?" Tooth asked, genuinely curious.

I shook my head, my smile not faltering, "You can still call me that if you'd like. But...I think I'll only be keeping my last name as a memory. I'll be returning to good ol' Kozmotis for now."

Tooth cheered and did a flip in the air, and Jack somersaulted around her in circles in excitement. Sandy smiled and patted my shoulder, showing his bountiful pride in my decision.

You really changed, Pit-uh...Haha! Sandy laughed himself, Koz. This'll take some getting used to.

"Tell me about it," I rolled my eyes, "Now Alice will have the burden to teach me everything of human life-Oh no!" I gripped my hair in panic, "They don't know! They're home! How can I get home without the nightmares?! I'm no longer their master!"

North glanced at Bunny, and then flashed a wild smile back at me. A look of utter glee and mischievousness glinted in sky blue eyes. I raised a brow, wondering what he was thinking. Now all of the Guardians had that same look in their eyes as they grinned at me.

"Well, Koz," North winked, "I think it's time you try out the sleigh. But first, let's talk business. After everything you've proven to us, we'd like to offer you something."

I gulped.

….

The sun shone brightly in the center of the sky, just a few minutes after noon. There was no cloud in sight, and the wind was so gentle and calm, one would think it was spring and not the ending of summer. 

Sadie and Alice were outside, picking weeds out of the brick path leading to the front door or swinging lazily on the tire swing. Alice stood up, dirt and grass staining her jeans from her work. Sadie looked over at Alice from under the shade of the oak tree, watching her wipe sweat off her forehead and take off her dirt covered gardening gloves.

Alice surprisingly has taken things well once they left. Sadie, in most circumstances, would think her older sister would panic and think of the worst to happen to her love, worry and brood until she got some sort of consolation. But she had to give Alice credit, because now that she and Pitch have developed a strong bond, stronger than iron itself, she had a sense of newfound faith and trust in people, even Sadie, no matter what tricks she pulled around the house.

The sound of a car cruising down the street made them look up at the road. Their street was often quiet, a very family-friendly road that had less car activity than the other nearby streets and lanes. But as this smooth, black 2015 Avalon cruised into their driveway, Sadie and Alice both stood up from their places and watched the car both curiously and nervously. Sadie quickly dashed across the driveway before the Avalon with tinted windows parked closer to the garage door, and stood close to her sister.

"Who is that? Is it your friend Emma?" Sadie asked, poking her side.

"No...I don't think so? She and Tom don't own an Avalon."

Out stepped a man dressed in dark jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and a red blazer, staring at Alice and Sadie with such a hopeful and loving smile, it made it seem like he was a long lost relative. His skin was of an almost Mediterranean shade, and his golden eyes had a sense of warmth and comfort to them.

Wait...I know those eyes, Alice paused, afraid if she moved the man would immediately leave.

Alice's feet started moving on their own, slowly inching closer to this man that looks so...familiar. 

It even bugged Sadie. He definitely wasn't someone from school, he's too old to be a student and none of the staff had a male teacher or janitor that looked like him. He definitely wasn't from her workplace, because she would've met him before. He wasn't from their family because he didn't look related at all. His skin was darker than theirs by a little and no one in their family had jet black hair and gold eyes-

Wait a minute.

Alice stared at him, unblinking. The man smiled, showing white teeth. I know that smile...that face...Alice's hand touched the man's cheekbone, and immediately widened her eyes, Oh my god…

"Pitch?" now both of Alice's hands were cupping his cheeks, not believing that this was him. His human form, "Is this...really you?"

"Yes," His hands touched her face as well, stepping closer, "It's really me."

"You're….you're human…" Alice looked him up and down, and then once her eyes met with his face again, she beamed brightly, "You're human!"

He laughed and enveloped her in a tight hug, and Alice hugged him back, trying to keep herself from jumping up and down in excitement. Sadie's shocked face turned into absolute glee, finally knowing that Pitch has made the choice to live the rest of his life with them. This was what she's always wanted for her sister, as well as herself. Her family finally felt complete. It had a future!

Alice pulled away from him, still smiling broadly but wiping away her tears stubbornly, "I c-can't believe you actually g-gave up-!"

"Shh, love," Pitch kissed her forehead, "I'd give up anything for you. I mean it."

"When did you learn how to drive a car?" Sadie called from the back.

Alice and Pitch laughed at that brightly, smiling at the young girl who smirked back. Pitch linked an arm around Alice's waist as they walked towards the house...their house.

"Are you still Pitch Black? Or are you Kozmotis Pitchiner again?" Alice asked, lingering behind so she and her love could talk privately for a minute, "I don't want to screw up names since I've known you for so long."

He smirked at that, making his eyes sparkle with amusement, "I'm a mix of the two. How does Kozmotis Black sound?"

Alice giggled and kissed him quickly, and then pulled away with a giant grin full of happiness, "Sounds like you."

She noticed his eyes glance down at her lips, lost in thought at the kiss she gave him. He looked surprised at something, causing her to raise a questioning brow and ask, "What?"

"Your lips...they're so warm…" he murmured, touching her chin.

Alice softly smiled, her head inching closer to his for another touch, "Yours too...warmer than before…"

"You like it?" he grinned, planting a kiss on her nose.

Alice sighed and eagerly nodded, her own way of saying Hell, yes, and met with his lips once more, embracing him on the front steps of her home.

[cwnannwn]

For the headcanon ask game: carmilla, laura, leliana, and sera

So, I took forever to answer this, and it ended up being way too big. It was very good to write tho, I love thinking about headcanons for my fave characters!

For this Headcanons post.

Carmilla

Headcanon A: what I think realistically: As much as canon likes to ignore its own lore, Carmilla is a very powerful vampire. It’s not an easy thing, living for more than 3 centuries, especially with a creator like Lilita around. I headcanon each of the dean’s children developed a particular ability more than others, and for Carmilla, that is shape-shifting. Her panther form is her favorite, but turning into mist has proven advantageous more than once. That last one is an exercise in self-control, becoming another state of matter entirely is glaring proof of how well Carmilla has mastered her abilities.

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious: Talking about that panther form, it’s terrifying. Far larger than a normal leopard, with teeth and claws that are sharper than scalpels. And she acts like the laziest house cat around Laura. Sleeping away the day on Laura’s bed, leaving a veritable heap of cat hair, purring louder than a truck when Laura scratches between her ears, and of course, sitting in front of Laura’s computer when she wants attention (and to be a little shit). Laura’s favorite is when she can cuddle with the giant black cat, who’s far warmer than an undead creature of the night should be.

Headcanon C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends: Against the dean’s advice/orders, and under a bit of well-intentioned mockery from Mattie, Carmilla kept an eye on her mortal family through the ages. Most of them perished the same night Carmilla died, but one of her younger brothers had been sent for fosterage with some relatives. The servants under her power reported he grew up to be a kind man, very different from their father. To the Carmilla of those early years, reveling in bloodlust and excess, it shouldn’t have mattered at all. But somehow, it did. So the years passed, and she kept tabs his descendants. His daughter was smart, his son excellent with a blade, and so on. The coffin put an end to it, as it did to many things. After she got back in contact with Mattie, she learned the last of her kin, a boy no older than 17, disappeared in the Carpathians during one of the many disastrous offensives of Austria in the first world war. It shouldn’t matter, but that severing of the last real connection she had to mortal life hurt more than she could have expected.

Headcanon D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway: This is actually a bunch of headcanons rolled into one, but Carmilla was well aware of the various confronts Mattie and the Dean had. In fact, Mattie asked Carmilla to join her in at least a few of them (both because she truly trusts Carmilla, and because, as said on headcanon A, Carmilla is no weakling). She never accepted the offer, first because she was too taken with the lavish life style Lilita offered, and later because she did not want to be interred again. The important thing is, tho both her and Mattie would desperately like to believe the Dean was dead, they would both know she is very very hard to kill, and would realize she was still around about, oh, five minutes into Mattie’s appearance in s2. Laura would have noticed the many glaring signs pointing to that too, and this all leads to many headcanons where s2 went completely different and so did s3.

For a shorter headcanon, Carmilla continues to be a vampire, and she and Mattie actually get to have revenge against Lilita over her literal millennia of abuse.

Laura

Headcanon A: what I think realistically: Whether Laura becomes a journalist or a professor, she never loses her knack for getting into supernatural trouble. One year she unveils a trafficking scheme focused on bringing fresh blood to vampires in Paris, in another a group of werecats shows up on her and Carmilla’s doorstep, asking Laura to investigate a rival colony and their recruitment methods, and so on. By this point, Carmilla just sees Laura off with a kiss and a promise to call if she needs any help.

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious: More cute than hilarious, but Laura is really ticklish around her ribs. Carmilla takes every opportunity to use this to her advantage, including to get Laura’s attention. It doesn’t annoy Laura, because the smile on Carmilla’s face whenever she hears Laura laugh is a beautiful thing indeed.

Headcanon C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends: Laura has suffered enough, so I don’t like thinking about more bad stuff happening to her. That said, among the few headcanons I have about who Laura’s other parent would have been, I have one that fits here. Laura’s mother left her and her father when Laura was around 12 years old. No real explanation given. One day she was there, and the next her wardrobe was empty, her car gone, and only a note saying she was done left behind. Neither Laura nor her dad recuperated from that entirely. She never told anyone about her mother leaving. So when Carmilla left in s2, that brought back a lot of bad memories that were never really put to rest, only buried. In the library, in the dark and with Laura’s conscience eating away at her for all the mistakes she’d made, she told Carmilla about it. Carmilla listened to her, quiet and attentive, offering silent support. It didn't make everything better, but it was a start.

Headcanon D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway: Laura is wolfblooded. Either a werewolf or something close to it. She’s the kind that is born a lycanthrope, but her father isn’t one. Thus, one more reason for him being so overprotective of her. Laura doesn’t know much, or anything at all really, about her heritage. She only knows that once every week, she has to run around as a wolf, and it’s best she doesn’t let anyone see her. When she arrives at Silas, the woods around the campus prove perfect for that purpose. Strangely, she keeps catching glimpses of some kind of big cat walking around the forest too.

Leliana

Headcanon A: what I think realistically: Leliana will be remembered as a pivotal historical figure, whether she’s Divine or not. She will be know as a skilled bard, a formidable warrior, and one of the main fighters for the better treatment of elves and mages. She’ll have an amazing legacy even by herself, but when the tales tell of her adventures with her lady Warden, both during the Blight and after, it’s the kind of stuff that legends are made of.

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious: Whenever she and Zevran were on guard duty together, they’d pass the time by telling every dirty joke in their native languages they could think of. Even tho Leliana took a little while to trust him, these nights made a strong friendship begin between them.

Headcanon C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends: Nope, canon has fucked Leliana over more than enough, as far as I’m concerned, she’s living happily with her lovely warden and their army of nug children.

Headcanon D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway: It would totally work with canon, but Bioware would never do it. One of Leliana’s parents, probably her mother, was an elf. Both she and Alistair can see ridiculously well in the dark, for a human, and this gives Zevran and an elf Warden pause. My Tabris brings it up during one of their shared nights on guard, and Leliana confirms it to her. After they get together, and after the Blight is dealt with, Tabris takes Leliana to the Alienage often, and there Leliana learns more about a side of her family she would never have really know otherwise.

Sera

Headcanon A: what I think realistically: Sera and Leliana have an informal archery contest going on. Whenever Leliana has some free time, and is in the mood to train her archery skills, Sera finds her and they get to shooting some targets together. They both give pointers and advice to the other, and that’s how their friendship starts. I really like the idea of Leliana and Sera becoming friends.

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious: I can’t beat Sera and her bees here, but I like the headcanon she sometimes joins forces with Leliana to prank everyone in Skyhold. They are an unbeatable team together, as Cullen learns after he asks his creepy questions about a mage warden to Leliana. Sera doesn’t feel sorry for him at all.

Headcanon C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends: I feel bad even thinking about it, cause Sera deserves nothing more than good things in her life. If a romanced Inquisitor dies because of the Anchor, Sera goes into a spiral that’s very hard to come back from. It’s only her desire for vengeance on Solas that keeps her going after it.

Headcanon D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway: Again, this should be canon. Sera and the Inquisitor have the best fucking wedding ever. None of that crappy, half-assed cutscene we got. It’s a big party, where many of the companions helped make the food and preparations, Blackwall was the best man for Sera, Cassandra and Iron Bull cried, Vivienne has an amused, is also somewhat bittersweet, smile through it all, Dorian was ridiculously proud and happy for both of them, Varric though it was the best kind of wedding he’d ever seen, Cole couldn’t stop smiling because he was overwhelmed with all the love he could feel from Sera and the Inquisitor, and even Solas had to agree it was a very nice party. Leliana and Josephine helped with the planning, and honestly both cried a lot during it too. There was food laid out in big dining tables, everyone could take as much as they wanted, and no one was made to serve anyone else. There were so many red jennys there, and the family of the Inquisitor, whatever their background, came in full force. It was one of the best days in both of their lives.

[noanswersingenesis]

“Morality Comes From God”

If you’ve been alive for more than a millisecond, you’ve likely heard some imbecile droning on about how THEIR God - really, their particular idea of God -  is the basis for morality. They’ll likely wax philosophical on how you can’t justify YOUR morality, because you have the audacity to not believe in their particular imaginary friend. They’ll tell you with the iron clad assurance and conviction that only comes from dogmatic belief that - even if you don’t admit it - you get all your morality tangentially from their God. He’s written His laws on your heart, so even if you don’t believe in Him, He’s responsible for your morals. They say that you can’t explain where your morals come from if God doesn’t exist. And then they’ll give you a satisfied, smug little smirk as if they’ve just invented the wheel.

Let me draw a line in the sand here.  I want to make sure no one misconstrues my words, so I’ll highlight them in this fancy, bold italics text: 

These people are fucking stupid.

Yes, I do mean that. Yes, I can justify that. Don’t like it? Tough shit. I’m pased the point of caring if I offend any of you. I find your willingness to pontificate and philosophize about ideas you don't even begin to understand offensive. I find your willingness to vomit those undigested, half formed ideas down the throats of children who don’t know any better offensive. I find your insistence in regurgitating illogical nonsense that has been shown repeatedly to be fallacious to be offensive. And I find your refusal to educate yourselves when the information is at your fingertips EXTREMELY offensive. In the age of information, ignorance is a choice. And, sadly, it's one that those of you who continue to make these arguments choose. Every. Single. Day. 

So honestly, I could give a fuck if I offend you. I hope I do.  To quote Joh Stewart:

I make no apologies about this. Not even a small one. The rebuttals to every one of these bullshit ideas has been readily available and easily accessible for anyone with a double-digit IQ to comprehend for quite some time. If you’re going to make broad pronouncements of certainty without looking at available contradictory evidence, you are a fucking idiot.

So where does morality come from, if not from a spooky, timeless Sky Wizard? It’s got to come from God!

Well, first off, that question in itself is disingenuous. You’re making the assumption that if I can't conclusively show where my morality comes from, you can simply postulate your version of Douglas Adams’ “42″ and pretend that it’s been conclusively proven to be true. See, in Adams’ fantastic The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything calculated by an enormous supercomputer named Deep Thought over a period of 7.5 million years. The believers have their own version of “42″ in God. He’s the answer for them to life, the universe, and everything. If you have a question that doesn’t have a simplistic, pre-packaged answer, they're more than happy to insert God into the answer spot and call it a day. This is known as the God of the Gaps Fallacy, and I'm sad to say that it is still a major source of theistic argumentation.

Besides that, even if you could show that God is AN answer to the question of Morality (and I don’t believe you can), you have to go further and show that God is THE answer. That means that no other path to morality can even be plausible. If I can show reasonable evidence that morality evolved over time, and is still evolving as a human construct (and I can) then it falls to you to disprove that assertion (and i’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts you can’t even BEGIN to do that). But you can’t stop there. Then you need to prove that God exists. Any God. Just prove that there’s something we can call God and define it. But don’t stop there. Now you need to prove that the God you’ve proven is YOUR God. You need to prove all of his characteristics. You need to show evidence that He’s good. That He’s loving. That He answers prayer. All of it. And maybe not those specific things. Those were examples. Whatever your idea of God is, you need to show evidence of that SPECIFIC God, not just a generalized idea of God. If you want to make pronouncements on behalf of an eternal being you need to ABSOLUTELY define that being as narrowly as possible and prove that you - a mere mortal - can speak on It’s behalf. You need to show your qualifications. And don’t stop now! You’re so close! NOW you need to show that your SPECIFIC God has authored Morality. The same way I would need to show authorship of a book, or a song, or any other creative venture. I can’t just plagiarize something that already exists and try to pass it off as my own. If someone were to show that to be the case, I’d need to defend myself. Since your God is unable or unwilling to do what should, for Him, be a simplistic task: defending Himself - one he’s done BEFORE, but that is apparently now beneath Him, it falls to you believers to defend your God.

Your argument is so weak, I don’t even need to make one of my own. It’s actually enough to simply point out that you don’t have one.

I’m not required to mount a defense (I’m going to anyway, so calm down) against something that doesn’t even have a leg to stand on. I know a lot of you reading this don’t understand that concept. Here’s how it works: If I say that I’ve seen a bear with wings, and you don’t believe me, it’s up to me to show you evidence that I really did. The onus (that means the responsibility of proving something) is ALWAYS on the person making the claim, NEVER on the skeptic. Often, believers will try to shift the burden of proof on to their skeptical counterparts through linguistics games, or faulty logic. This is known as Shifting The Burden Of Proof, and it is yet ANOTHER logical fallacy.   

Regardless, for the sake of the discussion here, I will accept the burden of proof that rightfully belongs to the opposition if, in doing so, I can get them all to shut the fuck up.

So for starters, lets look at the apologist’s favorite source of evidence - The Bible - and see what IT has to say on the issue.

(Genesis 2:25) “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Ok, now lets fast forward a bit. (Genesis 3:6-7) “And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.” Paradox time! God is now going to punish Adam and Eve for doing something that they couldn’t know they weren’t supposed to do until after they did it. If the Tree Of Knowledge of Good And Evil “opens their eyes” then their concept of Morality came from eating the fruit, not from God.  Want further confirmation of this concept? It’s right here! We see here, in this SAME account, that “knowledge” of evil seems to create evil. They had no problem being naked until they UNDERSTOOD what it meant to be naked in a different light, and then suddenly it was a problem. So being naked wasn’t “evil” until their perceptions were altered by the fruit. That seems to suggest there is no objective morality. Fancy that. We get further confirmation of this in verse 22 when God says: “Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil.” So the Biblical concept regarding morality is that it is a byproduct of perception. That altering your perception can alter your morality. That a difference in understanding can mean a difference in morality. Jolly good. Something the bible and I can agree on. It’s like the planets aligning. Doesn’t happen very often. One more quick tangent before we abandon the historical fiction reading in favor of more grown up evidences: CHRISTIAN ASSERTION: Morality comes from God. It’s objective and unchanging, just like God is unchanging. If something is wrong, it’s always wrong! ATHEIST RESPONSE: So then slavery is ok? Killing homosexuals is ok? Rape is ok if you pay the girl’s father? Killing babies is ok? *lists off dozens of scriptures supporting and/or condoning these and other horrific acts* ILLOGICAL CHRISTIAN RETORT: You need to look at that through the context of their culture. The time and place it was written. You can’t expect God to transcend time and geography concerning moral laws. Actually, I do. And if a god existed, they would. “Don’t Own Other People” and “Don’t Rape” would have been on the list of 10 commandments, rather than some Ego stroking bullshit about graven images and saying his name with a shitty attitude.

So now that we’ve dispensed with Harry Potter BC, let’s look at some evidence that ISN’T circular, anecdotal, unreliable, and generally fucking retarded:

The Veil Of Ignorance

The single most damning retort the religious idea of God-centric Morality, is that we simply don’t NEED God to be moral. There have been many arguments that have shown as much, but none so iron clad  as the "veil of ignorance", a method of determining morality proposed in 1971 by American philosopher John Rawls. 1971 46 years ago. So there’s no fucking excuse for you NOT to know about it - at least in concept if not in name -  if you’re making grand pronouncements about the definitive nature of the link between Morality and God. The basic concept is this: We have two people (let’s call them Steve and Jim) and Jim wants to kill Steve. Steve, upon finding out about this, blurts out “You can’t do that! It’s wrong!’ Well, how can Steve actually KNOW it’s wrong? And for that matter, how can he convince Jim? Enter the Veil of Ignorance. We remove Steve and Jim from the equation and simply state that two individuals will be involved in this scenario. One will be killing, and one will be killed. Behind the Veil, Steve and Jim don’t know which is which. Either of them could be the killer, or the victim. Now how do Steve and Jim feel about killing? Neither one of them WANT to be killed. So both are aware that - at least in this sense - killing is wrong. This concept works for ANYTHING. Try it out. Don’t think Homosexuals should be able to get married? Take a step behind the Veil of Ignorance. Now you, and a dozen individual are there - all ignorant to your gender. Your race. Your sexuality. Your religion. Everything. You’re nondescript person-blobs. One of you will have one of your fundamental rights denied because of a difference from the group. You don’t get to know what right. Perhaps all of the others are men, and you’re a woman. Perhaps they’re all Muslims, and you’re a christian. Perhaps you and 11 others are all white, and the outsider is black. You don’t get to know what the difference is, or who it falls to. Which side do you argue for? Exclusion based on a difference, or inclusion regardless of a difference? Suppose you argued for exclusion, and it turned out that the difference was that you were the only Christian. Would you be ok with that? The thought exercises you can do with the Veil are endless, and practically universally applicable. The core of the concept is that morality is an evolved response, and we as thinking humans know DAMN well when something is moral or immoral through basic logic. If you think the thing happening to or effecting someone else is actually happening to or effecting YOU, then you’re more likely to be honest about that.   It’s just that some of us like to pretend they don’t understand that basic concept, so they can suggest that we all collectively rely on an old book that’s open to various interpretations and has, at best, a shaky moral grounding.

So now, let’s sidetrack for a moment so I can talk about this video: If There’s No God, Murder Isn’t Wrong, because that’s what started this tirade. This video is moronic, and the arguments it puts forth somehow aren’t even consistent within the span of the 5 minuet video! I know, I was shocked too. And let’s not ignore the fact that there are refutations to the arguments ATTACHED TO THE VIDEO if you view it on Youtube (but why would a believer in the validity of the arguments look at contradictory evidence? I mean really. Look at two sides of an issue? That’s crazy talk!) both in the comments section, and in response videos. There’s also videos and articles that totally dismantle the faulty reasoning of the video that are available if you’re willing to undertake the apparently excruciating labor of doing a 45 second search for the name of the video on Google (this was the very first link that came up. Seriously, it didn’t even take 30 seconds. How busy are you people if you don’t even have time to do that?!?) But since I know that none of you are going to take the time to look at any of that evidence, or read any of the things that have been written about it  for the better part of a century (you can see the seeds of this sort of nonsense as far back as Thomas Aquinas in the mid 1200′s) let alone just what’s been written in the last dozen years, I’ll do the leg work for you. Let’s look at the transcript for this video, and I’ll explain to you why it’s absolute horseshit. The words of Dennis Prager, the author of the video, will be in bold, and my responses will be in normal font. 

There is no God, Murder is STILL (usually) Wrong.

Do you believe that good and evil exist? Let me stop you right there. You’re already being disingenuous, because you’re not defining your terms. Given that you’re arguing on behalf of God, and given that this isn't my first rodeo, I'm going to wager dollars to donuts (again) that at some point in this video you're going to attempt to confuse us with the ambiguity of your language. So lets nip that right in the fucking bud.

GOOD - To be desired, or approved of. That which is morally right. To be beneficial or advantageous to someone or something. Appropriate to a particular purpose. EVIL - Profoundly immoral and malevolent. Harmful, or tending to harm. (Of a force or spirit) Embodying or associated with the forces of the devil. Something that is harmful or undesirable.

Now, by these definitions, I do believe in the concepts of good and evil. I have a feeling that’s not AT ALL what you’re driving at. Let’s see...   

The answer to this question separates Judeo-Christian values from secular values. No, it doesn’t. Unless you can actually show that, you're lying. Not to give out spoilers, but I watched the rest of your video, and you are NOT able to show that. So stop lying.

Let me offer the clearest possible example: murder. Is murder wrong? Is it evil? Nearly everyone would answer yes. But now I’ll pose a much harder question: How do you know? I am sure that you think that murder is wrong. But how do you know? You actually asked three separate and distinct questions there. I can't help but notice that you tried to just lump the first two together - as if they’re the same thing - and plod on before anyone could notice that they aren't. Is murder wrong? The short answer is, “Not always.” Which you would think would be painfully obvious to you, given all of the murders committed by God in the Bible that you see NO issue with. What you're trying to do here, which is a common tactic when you're attempting to paint someone into a corner, is to couch the argument in black and white terms. Either it’s 100% wrong or it isn't wrong at all, ever. This is called a False Dichotomy, and it’s yet ANOTHER logical fallacy (sometimes called False Dilemma or Black and White Fallacy).

Is murder evil? Generally, if we use the definition given above, we could say that it is. It causes harm. There's really no way around that. I suppose that you could come up with a scenario where murder would not fit the definition of evil, but I can't think of one off my head. But is it “evil” in the spiritual, metaphysical sense? Because that seems to be what Mr. Prager is driving at. No. The only people who would accept THAT definition of evil are neck-deep in the kool-aid of religious terminology, and are fastidiously working their fingers to the bone in an attempt to make the language they’re arguing with ambiguous. It’s the only way they have any hope of winning the argument. 

If I asked you how you know that that the earth is round, you would show me photographs from outer space, or offer me measurable data. But what photographs could you show, what measurements could you provide, that prove that murder or rape or theft is wrong? And THIS is why we have flat-earth imbeciles infecting our collective consciousness like a goddamn virus. Because idiots think a photograph they can’t verify or a measurement they can't reproduce or replicate are suitable forms of proof. If you want to KNOW that the earth is round, you’re shit out of luck. You can’t. Not really. You can have a measure of certainty, especially with solid proofs like these. But you can’t be totally certain. Just ask René Descartes. Should that sliver of doubt sway us to accept that a flat earth is plausible? Fuck no! But (and the irony here is more than palpable) that same sliver of doubt is often the BEST evidence available for believers. What evidence can I show that murder, rape, or theft is wrong? Again, the short answer is “Better evidence than you can dredge up from your goddamn bible.”

The fact is...you can’t. There are scientific facts, but without God there are no moral facts. There aren't scientific facts. Not the way that you’re meaning, with black and white certainty. There are theories. Those theories evolve and change. There aren’t moral facts either. You just like to pretend there are because it makes you sleep better at night. You still haven’t provided a shred of evidence for them, but you keep clutching at your bible like Linus to his blue blanket. Show me the moral code you derive from the scriptures. Would it, perhaps, go something like: Sacrifice, rape, rape, kill, rape, kill, kill, kill, misogyny, don’t eat shellfish, don’t blend fabrics, don’t make statues, kill, rape, don’t work on Saturdays, don’t say God’s name bad, rape, kill, don’t desire things that other people have, sacrifice, where you stick your penis totally matters (it doesn't matter if you're consenting adults), kill, kill, rape, own slaves, kill the children, rape the children if you have money, beats the slaves if you don’t kill them, women are objects, kill, rape, kill, praise the invisible tyrant for the stellar example he’s setting with all the killing? With morals like that, we’d be in a much better place these days, eh? Or are you just going to cherry pick the parts that you like? Love thy neighbor, don’t steal, etc... and ignore the rest of it? You know, because at the end of the day, your moral code surpasses that of the Bible.     

In a secular world, there can only be opinions about morality. They may be personal opinions or society’s opinion. But only opinions. Every atheist philosopher I have read or debated on this subject has acknowledged that if there is no God, there is no objective morality. There’s not objective morality WITH God. Your own Bible proves as much. God’s decree to Noah after the flood: “Whosoever sheds a man's blood, by man his blood shall be shed.” Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. A doctrine of vengeance. God’s decree via Jesus: “Ye have heard it said: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. But I say to you that ye resist not evil. Whosoever smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the left also.” God’s moral law is overturned... by God. The reason those godless heathen atheists “acknowledged” that morality is subjective is because they’re not idiots. 

Judeo-Christian values are predicated on the existence of a God of morality. In other words, only if there is a God who says murder is wrong, is murder wrong. Otherwise, all morality is opinion. The entire Western world – what we call Western Civilization – is based on this understanding. Again, you haven’t even begun to crawl, and you’re trying to run. Start at the beginning.

Now, let me make two things clear. First, this doesn't mean that if you don't believe in God, you can’t be a good person. There are plenty of kind and moral individuals who don’t believe in God and Judeo-Christian values.  But the existence of these good people has nothing – nothing – to do with the question of whether good and evil really exist if there is no God. I’m with you so far... 

Second, there have been plenty of people who believed in God who were not good people; indeed, more than a few have been evil – and have even committed evil in God’s name. The existence of God doesn't ensure people will do good. I wish it did. The existence of God only ensures that good and evil objectively exist and are not merely opinions. And you lost me on the last sentence. It doesn't. You just think it does. You can't conclusively show that to be true. So what is happening here is both of us have opinions, and you are trying to claim a divine mandate for yours. A divine mandate that you can neither prove, or show to be in any way different from my opinion that you’ve asserted has no divine mandate. So remind me again why what you’re saying is anything beyond wishful thinking and speculation? Because I’m not seeing it. 

Without God, we therefore end up with what is known as moral relativism – meaning that morality is not absolute, but only relative to the individual or to the society. Without God, the words “good” and “evil” are just another way of saying “I like” and “I don’t like.” If there is no God, the statement “Murder is evil” is the same as the statement “I don't like murder.” Called it! No, those words have very REAL definitions. And, as I have already shown, the definitions for them are fine. We can understand the morality of an action (even murder) without your word games. In NO way is it simply saying “I like” or “I don’t like.” This is yet ANOTHER fallacy, in your apparent race to make sure that you hit ALL of them in a 5 minuet video. This one is known as a Strawman Argument.

Now, many will argue that you don't need moral absolutes; people won’t murder because they don't want to be murdered. But that argument is just wishful thinking. Hitler, Stalin, and Mao didn’t want to be murdered, but that hardly stopped them from murdering about a hundred million people. Wow. Barely got through the last fallacy, and you’re on to another one. That’s goddamn impressive. This one is the False Cause Fallacy. Essentially, you’re arguing that once a moral concept is understood, it can’t be ignored. Do you honestly think that Hitler, Stalin, Mao, or any other perpetrator of what we would consider as immoral acts thought what they were doing was justified? I mean in a moralistic sense. Obviously they thought the ends justified the means. Kind of like the priest that wants to get his dick sucked by an altar boy. Just because practitioners of your religion decide, on a regular basis (seriously, there are multiple news stories every fucking week) to molest children does not indicate on it’s own that religious morality is invalid. What we CAN prove is that there are cases where someone acted in a manner that we would generally describe as immoral, and justified the actions as Moral with the aid of religion. Here’s just one example (and I've seen more than a few dozen just like it) where a horrific act was committed BECAUSE of belief in a God, and justified by the perpetrator as moral.

It is not a coincidence that the rejection of Judeo-Christian values in the Western world – by Nazism and Communism – led to the murder of all these innocent people. I like that you actually included the ACTUAL reasons (Nazism and Communism) or at least the largest contributing factors, in your attempt to link these deaths to disbelief. See the False Cause Fallacy directly above, because you’re doing it again.

It is also not a coincidence that the first societies in the world to abolish slavery – an institution that existed in every known society in human history – were Western societies rooted in Judeo-Christian values. And so were the first societies to affirm universal human rights; to emancipate women; and to proclaim the value of liberty. Don’t you DARE try to take credit for the abolishment of slavery, and women’s rights! How fucking stupid do you think people are? The bible is overflowing with misogyny, inequality, and INSTRUCTIONS FOR SLAVE MASTERS. If God wants credit for abolishing slavery, he fucking should have said something about it in his own goddamn book. But he didn’t. Unless, of corse, you mean the parts where he endorsed it.

Today, the rejection of Judeo-Christian values and moral absolutes has led to a world of moral confusion. There's only one person I see here who’s confused, and he’s trying desperately to convince me that I need his imaginary friend to tell me not to stab someone in the face.

In the New York Times, in March 2015, a professor of philosophy confirmed this. He wrote: “What would you say if you found out that our public schools were teaching children that it is not true that it’s wrong to kill people for fun? Would you be surprised? I was.” First, this is anecdotal because your source isn’t named. Don’t worry, I looked it up for you. The article referenced is here, and the “philosopher” is Justin P. McBrayer, who IS an actual philosopher with an actual PHd. Thats kind of surprising, because most of the stuff i looked up on him read like something from Ken Ham. Regardless, this is a blatant Strawman Assertion (see above) and serves to do nothing but shock the reader into agreement. This is called an Appeal To Emotion Fallacy, or more specifically an Appeal to Fear (also called argumentum ad metum)  and is a fallacy in which a person attempts to create support for an idea by using deception and propaganda in attempts to increase fear or prejudice toward a competing idea. “If you don’t believe in God, children will learn to kill each other for fun.” This level of psychological fuckery would be hilarious if it wasn’t so sad.

The professor then added: “The overwhelming majority of college freshmen view moral claims as mere opinions.” That’s a bit of an overstatement. And even if it wasn’t, what does that have to do with the validity of your assertions? Not a damn thing.

So, then, whatever you believe about God or religion, here is a fact: Without a God who is the source of morality, morality is just a matter of opinion. So, if you want a good world, the death of Judeo-Christian values should frighten you. Should it? And why exactly should it frighten me? Based on the complete lack of evidence you’ve offered? The crux of the assertion made here is no different than that of an adult man who, having grown up, left the comfort of his parents home, and began a life for himself laments, “But who will stop me from eating ice cream three meals a day? If no parental figure prevents me, then why shouldn’t I? And what of my friends and coworkers? What’s to stop THEM from eating ice cream three meals a day? Soon, the whole world will be obscenely overweight!” What frightens me is that people like you present fallacy after fallacy after motherfucking fallacy, and try to pass them off like carefully reasoned proofs. What frightens me is the neanderthal imbeciles that see no issue with anything you’ve said. What terrifies me is the notion that these same imbeciles want to suspend the rights of others and hold the scientific community hostage to appease the shallow, illogical, unproven, and wholly ridiculous concept that they have formed in their malfunctioning brains of exactly who or what God is. That’s far more frightening than your unfounded assertions.

So, seeing as how there wasn’t a drop of water in that well, lets look at some more evidence that morality has a very human origin.

Mirror Neurons 

A neuron is an electrically excitable cell that processes and transmits information through electrical and chemical signals. These signals between neurons occur via specialized connections called synapses. Neurons can connect to each other to form neural networks. They are major components of the brain. 

A mirror neuron is one that fires both when an individual preforms an action AND when the individual observes the same action performed by another. Thus, the neuron "mirrors" the observed behavior, as though the observer were itself acting. Such neurons have been directly observed in primate species.  You can click on the link above if you want more accurate information about them, or do one of those 45 second Google searches that require so much effort. I will give the “as I understand it, as a mostly scientifically illiterate layperson” version below. All of this is summarized from the wikipedia article.

In the 80s and 90s, neurophysiologists at the University of Parma placed electrodes in a monkey’s head to study neurons. They were looking at neurons associated with the control of hand and mouth actions, like picking something up or moving it. They had the monkey reach for bits of food, and recorded the movement of neurons in relation to what motions the monkey made. They found that some neurons responded when the monkey observed a person picking up a piece of food, and ALSO when the monkey itself picked up the food. Further study showed identical results corresponding to mouth actions and facial gestures. Still further experiments confirmed that about 10% of neurons in the parts of the brain they were studying have "mirror" properties and give similar responses to observed actions.

In 2002 it was discovered that this mirror system also responds to the sound of actions. Reports on mirror neurons have been widely published and confirmed, with mirror neurons found in both inferior frontal and inferior parietal regions of the brain. Recently, evidence from functional neuro-imaging strongly suggests that humans have similar mirror neurons systems: researchers have identified brain regions which respond during both action and observation of action. Furthermore, functional magnetic resonance imaging can examine the entire brain at once, and suggests that a much wider network of brain areas shows mirror properties in humans than previously thought. These additional areas include the somatosensory cortex and are thought to make the observer feel what it feels like to move in the observed way.

I sense some of you glazing over. So let’s look at what this means for our morals.

If you are struck in the face, and I observe this happening, these neurons mirror the sensation in my own brain. To some degree, I feel you getting slapped. The speculation is that this is why we’re able to feel empathy for one another. Furthermore, this explains a large part of our evolution of morality. Seeing someone else suffer, we’re motivated to help them because it’s really like helping ourselves. When paired with the veil of ignorance, I fail to see any reason that stands up to scrutiny why morality should come from a God, and I see no reason to doubt that morality is a byproduct of evolution and a correctly functioning brain.

The Moral Landscape

Philosopher, author, and neuroscientist Sam Harris made this assertion in his 2010 book, The Moral Landscape: “Just as there is no such thing as Christian physics or Muslim Algebra, we will see tht there is no such thing as Christian or Muslim morality.” And he’s right. We don’t see a morality that is based in a particular religious code that stands up to logical scrutiny. You don’t steal? So what? Neither do these individuals, and they come from a variety of different religions backgrounds - some of them entirely irreligious. The only time a particular code of morality can be specifically associated with a religion is when it comes into conflict with societal or generally accepted normalcy. You think gay men should be killed for offending God? Well, THAT belief is entirely religious and, not coincidentally, entirely illogical. According to Harris, our morality has peaks and valleys, high points and low points. We can make general distinctions between those high and low places, much like we can tell the difference between a mountain and a valley. He argues that we can still have a sort of moral objectivity, based entirely on science and reasoning, that does not in any was resemble the objective morality postulated by the religious. By the same token, it doesn’t resemble the version of purely subjective morality offered up by those who don’t understand the subtleties in play here, or those who would purposefully erect a strawman over them to bolster their own assertions.  “If our well-being depends upon the interaction between events in our brains and events in the world, and there are better and worse ways to secure it, then some cultures will tend to produce lives that are more worth living than others; some political persuasions will be more enlightened than others; and some world views will be mistaken in ways that cause needless human misery.” In other words, we can objectively show the differences between the mountains and valleys in our moral landscape, without the aid of a sky wizard and his book of fables, but the differences between the various mountains are largely subjective, as are those between the valleys. Reading the book (which everyone should do) will flush this idea out in much greater detail, but I’m only concerned with the core concept here. I would strongly encourage you to check out the book for yourself.  

  A Logical Moral Code

So, let’s use these ideas to try and formulate a basic,logical moral code. Just as an example, we’ll use Killing, Murder, and Butchery. Let’s start with some quick definitions so we’re all on the same page. These are MY definitions from my own head, and have nothing to do with dictionary definitions or what have you. This is how I use these terms.

Killing - The taking of another life. Any other life. Man, woman, child, cat, dog, elephant, or whatever the hell Donald Trump is (sentient Cheetos powder?) for any reason.

Murder - Any killing that can’t be logically excused. An unlawful killing.

Butchery - Killing for sport, or for fun. Specifically, killing for no other purpose than the enjoyment of ending another’s life. 

Ok. So now, is killing wrong?  No. Period. We can’t possibly suggest that killing is wrong, as the bible does, (unless God says it’s ok... or rather commands it to be done) because there are times when killing someone would be the only justifiable action to take. Suppose that someone has broken into your home, and is holding your child at knifepoint. The only way to save the child is to kill the intruder. Is it justifiable to terminate the life of that individual? Of corse. No thinking person would advocate letting someone kill your child to save the life of an intruder.  But WHY?  Because God said so? I think not. It’s because we’ve evolved to look out for our own. We’ve developed an instinct to protect ourselves, our children, our family unit, our tribe, and so on. Because, to put it bluntly, the idiots who didn’t protect their children from danger didn’t get to have any grandkids. The idiots who didn’t protect their tribe got overtaken by another tribe that DID.  Suppose your friend is in a tremendous amount of pain, and begs you to end his life. For the sake of argument, there’s no medical help available and you won’t be legally responsible for your actions. What’s the better alternative? Allow him to suffer, or to do as he asks and end his suffering? The religious mindset here is usually to allow the suffering to continue, because they’re obsessed with their own illogical concept of “life.” It’s always better to have a suffering individual, yearning desperately for the relief of the grave, than to allow a thinking being to make their own decisions regarding their own life and death, right? Because what we think Jesus wants is more important than what you want. Because bible. Personally, I think anything less than honoring their wishes and sending them to a peaceful oblivion is horrific, monstrous, and morally abhorrent. The news would suggest that many believers disagree with me, and that somehow God’s universal, eternal, flawless laws have missed my heart yet again. Maybe he inscribed them on my liver, which would explain my love for gin. Who knows?  

We kill animals for food as well (even though this issue is regularly debated) because, as a collective, we’ve decided, for the time being, that since we’re omnivores and we’ve evolved to eat meat, that we shouldn’t feel guilty about killing a chicken or a cow for sustenance. That might change. There’s a vocal minority in the vegetarian/vegan community that is making some compelling arguments for us to stop killing other animals for food. Honestly, when it comes to this issue, I’m torn. On the one hand, it is causing the suffering and death of a sentient being for my own selfish reasons. On the other hand, I love bacon cheeseburgers and fried chicken. I’m willing to admit that I’m less than consistent on this issue, as I think MOST people would if they were honest with themselves. But murder is wrong, right? Yup. I think it’s safe to say that unlawful, or unjustifiable killing is “wrong.” When I say “wrong” I mean a compelling argument against it can be formed, such that the overwhelming majority of thinking people will agree that it’s immoral. Not objectively in a “Because God said so” way, but in a “we’ve all agreed that this makes logical sense” way. So yeah, it’s wrong.    But again, why? Because it’s not beneficial. And worse than that, it’s harmful to the group as a whole. Now, I can hear you saying, “Well, it’s beneficial to ME if I want to kill Tim.” Fair enough. In the same way eating 6 gallons of ice cream for dinner would be benificial to you if you have a weakness for ice cream. In the short term, the ice cream will taste great, and you’ll be happy. So why doesn’t everyone just eat ice cream all the time? Simple. Because they’re not imbeciles, and they don’t need someone to tell them that eating that much ice cream will eventually have consequences. It tastes great till they’re sawing off your diabetic feet, and replacing your heart for the 18th time. Just because you WANT to do something doesn’t make it beneficial. And if something has a greater propensity for harm than benefit, the collective decides against it. You still might personally want to do it (remember that example we used of the priest getting his knob gobbled by the alter boys?) but the group as a whole thinks it’s a bad idea. So you can still DO it if you want, but then you run the risk of being found out and moved to a NEW church to molest DIFFERENT boys. Because, religiously speaking, that’s how we deal with immoral behavior. Remember that time a science teacher raped a child and got sent to teach at a different school? Yeah, me neither.  But seriously, that’s why we have LAWS against murder, instead of just trusting that the God Jesus Bible Magic laws that are apparently inscribed on all our hearts will keep us safe. Because that would be stupid. It’s viewed as wrong because the collective has agreed that it isn’t beneficial, and actually harms the group as a whole. Not because your invisible sky wizard said so. Because again, that would be stupid. So what about Butchery? Glad you asked! Butchery is “wrong” also, but for different reasons than murder. Before you go trying to bring God up again, He has nothing to do with it, so settle down. Murder is a societal issue. If Tim and Bill want to kill each other while they’re alone, thousands of miles from civilization, where the law can’t touch them, then that’s entirely their business. I realize that some of you don't like that, and you need the feel-good bedtime story of a vengeful, judicious God sitting up in heaven, balancing the scales for every deed done on this planet in order to ensure fairness. Again, your wishful thinking has no place here. Unless you’ve come to the table with some hard evidence in your favor, you can just pack up that sack of nothing you’re trying to bargain with and fuck right off. Not interested. The problem with butchery is that it shows a fundamental flaw of logic and compassion. Remember those mirror neurons we talked about? Well, for someone to derive pleasure from the suffering of someone or something else shows that they’re not functioning properly. Try to follow me here, ok? If God made Albert Fish, and John Wayne Gacy, and Jeffrey Dahmer, etc... (If you don’t know who the are already, only click on the links if you’re prepared to read some dark shit. Seriously, some of it is horrifying) and they got sexually aroused from killing people, necrophilia, blood, severed limbs, and the like, then  why did the laws He wrote on their heart backfire? I mean, we could look at the correlation between serial killers and head injuries (the first link to come up after another one of those excruciating 45 second Google searches) or physical/psychological abuse and clearly show that these individuals are malfunctioning. That they’ve been damaged, and are no longer functioning properly. But then that would remove the need for a mystical super being to swoop in and save the day, so lets just sweep that evidence under the rug, amiright?

So when we see or hear something like this, part of our brain reacts to it on an instinctual level. We suffer when a member of our group suffers. And we can flip that switch simply by removing the other individual from our group. For example, we feel compassion for the soldier being gunned down in WW2. Unless that soldier is a Nazi. Then he’s not on our team, and it’s not so difficult to watch him get blown to bits. Same thing works with everything from different religions (crusades, jihad) political parties, and even different sports teams. We’re hardwired by evolution to support our group, and fuck the opposition. We can apply this brand of logic, and construct a working moral code for ourselves, our families, and our community. We do already. We just don’t recognize that we’re doing it. Some of us don't care enough to think about it and float through life like unthinking zombies. Some of us ponder and philosophize and read in an effort to better understand our choices, and see if we can make better ones. And then some of us just lazily plug God into every gap that comes our way and call it a day. After all, what’s the point of evidence if it doesn’t point to Jesus?   

I might add more to this, I’m not sure. For now, I hope this has been at least somewhat educational to someone. Feel free to respond to it. I will reply to any and all legitimate criticisms.

Don't bother telling me that I shouldn't swear so much, or that I'm being unnecessarily hostile, or that I'm going to alienate people with my attitude. I don’t give a shit.

Thanks for reading! ~ Apostate Paul