#at some point i started doubting if i could call myself a lesbian

[themthistles]

i think that while micro labels can seem useful and affirming ultimately they're isolating and kind of an obstacle to your understanding of self. that's because you can never find a word specific enough. there will never be a label or two labels or even ten, twenty of them to perfectly capture and describe all of your thoughts, feelings, experiences, preferences, needs, interests, identities, etc. because you learn more and more about yourself every day and then you change and your wants and needs change with you. having to hop between labels, fearing that you don't 'fit' into a label anymore (both in your own and others eyes), worrying how soon your current label will wear out, questioning if you'll ever fully fit a single one. all that causes a lot of uncertainty and anxiety which could be avoided by just picking a more general thing and molding it according to what it means to YOU. because words will always mean different things to different people, you will never be understood immediately and maybe never completely by anyone but yourself and that's fine

[foundfamilynonsense]

Sometimes I just want to sit down and say, like… Gay men, lesbian women, and straight people. You could wake up tomorrow and discover you’re actually bi.

Tomorrow you could meet someone of the sex you do not think you are attracted to and go “oh fuck”. There is no rule— nothing—that says that could not happen to you at any moment.

“I’ve lived forty years without—” so?

“I can just tell I’m—” how?

Now, we can get into the conversation of how these labels aren’t actually law, and that you can be a lesbian even if there was that one guy and you can be a straight guy if there were those two guys in college and etc.

And that’s totally true and valid and we should normalize that. But that’s another post.

My point for this post is that, yes, you are one strange meeting away from being bisexual. It will probably never happen. But you can never say with 100% certainty that it won’t happen.

But that doesn’t mean every gay, lesbian, and straight person should start calling themselves bisexual just in case. That would be a completely absurd thing to expect.

Can you imagine if we go around to gay men and were like “but how do you know you’ll never be attracted to a woman?” Imagine if we did it to straight people? The idea you have to call yourself Bi just in case?

This is easy to understand. So why is it so hard for people to understand when it comes to asexual and aromantic people?

Like… I suppose I could wake up tomorrow and catch some feels for someone. I… doubt it. But it could happen.

But I’ve been alive 22 years and it hasn’t happened yet. So why should I expect it? Why should I spend time thinking about it? Why should I label myself based on that slim possibility?

The number of straight people who have said to me “well you never know” or “maybe you just haven’t met the right person” or whatever. Can you all IMAGINE what they would say to me if I threw it back?

“Oh, sally, you don’t like any women yet but you never know. Maybe you just haven’t met the right woman.” Their heads would explode I think.

I am an adult. I have been through college and it’s social life. My brain is (basically) done developing and I finished puberty quite a while ago. How late do you have to be before people concede that you’re not a “late bloomer” you’re just not gonna bloom at all?

Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and be attracted to someone. I still would consider myself on the aroace spectrum. But to be honest I think I know myself enough to trust it’s not going to happen. And I don’t think I should have to plan for it or expect it.

[stillarandom-radfem]

This post is going to cause controversy here on radblr. I already know that, and I'm ready for it. But there is something that I've just got to get off my chest, here. It's been bugging me for a long time now, but for the longest time, I couldn't quite find the words to describe my feelings.

Here's the thing. It's not that female separatists are wrong, necessarily, with regard to their arguments about male violence. OSA women like myself are at a greater risk of interpersonal violence from men, intimate partner violence does make up the majority of domestic violence statistics, men are the most likely people to rape or murder us, and yes, living without men therefore probably would improve straight and bisexual women's lifespan/overall quality of life in most cases. BUT. The way many female separatists (who are most often lesbians) go about presenting their arguments is not only unnecessarily rude to women who have done nothing to deliberately harm them (and, when it includes such colorful monikers as "dick worshipper" and "cock rider" in it, reasonably comes off as an attack), but it includes many of the same tactics that homophobes use against LGB people to make their point. I'm sure that homophobes doing that stuff to you is hurtful, but I'm also at least 99% sure that heterosexual women who are radfems (or rad-adjacent, if you prefer) aren't the ones leveling those attacks, and don't therefore deserve to be responded to with such ferocity. Two wrongs do not, in this case, make a right. And it needs to stop.

For example, you ask?

Acting like heterosexual relationships must be purely sexual, with no actual love involved whatsoever.

I see LGB people complaining about homophobes doing this to them all the time. "You think our relationships inherently obscene or kinky because you can't picture us actually being in love; all you can think of is the sexual part! You think a sizable chunk of the population is incapable of love or human connection, and that is dehumanizing!" Yes, I have no doubt in my mind that it is. But then look at what you do when you try to call out heterosexual/bisexual women for being with men, and you are doing exactly the same thing to us. You talk about OSA relationships, and the first and, often, only thing you ever bring up is the sexual aspect of them. The word "love" almost never comes up. It's like it doesn't even occur to you that OSA women might actually fall in love with or have very deep romantic feelings for their male partners, not unlike you, as a lesbian, may have or have had towards any girlfriends you have ever dated, any women you have ever crushed on, or, if you're lucky, your wife. Now, do OSA women have sex with our boyfriends or husbands, if we have them? Of course we do! Have you ever had sex with your wife or girlfriend? Or, if you're single, would you, if you had one? Of course you would, and you know it! Does that negate your feelings for her, somehow? No? Your relationships are not purely sexual just because there is sex involved? Then why would you assume that sex being involved would make heterosexual relationships suddenly be only sexual? Also, news flash: vibrators exist. So do dildos. Or women (including het women) could just use their fingers or a pillow. There are many ways for a woman of any orientation to get off without a man if getting off is all that she's after. If she is choosing to be in an actual serious relationship with a man, it's most likely because she's in love with him. You are trying to convince her that there is something more important for her to consider, in spite of her feelings. So, perhaps instead of insinuating that she is some kind of sex-obsessed slut who is screwing over her entire sex deliberately for the sake of a few orgasms, you can start start there, instead.

Acting like other people's sexual orientations can be changed (not yours, of course, just, you know, everyone else's).

I see homophobes acting this way towards LGB people all the time, claiming that the sex(es) you are attracted to is a choice somehow, shaming you for preferring the "wrong" one (or the "wrong" one at the moment, if you're bi). Which, personally, has always struck me as kinda weird, because they never seem to apply the same logic to themselves. They never stop to suggest whether their own orientation is a choice or not. I guess it's pretty obvious why they won't, because then it comes down to two possibilities: if they are with strictly the opposite sex by choice, then it's very probable that they are actually bisexual, and behave as they do towards gay people due to internalized homophobia, whereas, if their strict opposite sex attraction is not a choice, then they have just admitted that their own orientation is innate, so why would they assume everyone else's not to be? It makes no sense. And incels will take it a step further, yelling slurs at lesbians for only wanting to have sex with other women instead of them. It's all pretty fucked up and illogical, and just for the record, I think you all deserve much better. Of course your sexuality isn't a choice. And yet... I mean, I can't even begin to count how many lesbian separatist blog posts I have read full of women acting as if heterosexuality is a choice. "Ew, moids are ugly, dicks are gross, what's wrong with you, why would you choose that?!" Newsflash, gyns: we didn't. That's just our sexual orientation, and we didn't choose it any more than you chose yours. We may still choose to be celibate in spite of our orientation, or, if we're bi, we might still decide to only date other women. But we will still always have the capacity to be physically attracted to/fall in love with men, and for those of us who are straight, we can only experience that with men exclusively. That's just the way it is. We can't control that; it's innate. Some of you, upon grappling with this fact, immediately jump straight to the incel way of doing things and begin slinging the aforementioned colorful monikers (ahem, sexualized anti-woman slurs aforementioned in this blog post) for only being attracted to men instead of you. It actually smacks of sexual harassment, and then you wonder why so many straight women stop following/won't follow you. Or, leap right into calling us lesbophobes because we don't want to take sexual harassment like that from anybody, man or woman alike. Call me crazy, but the last time I checked, a "lesbophobic woman" was a woman who hates lesbians for only being attracted to other woman, not a woman who simply refuses to date/sleep with you. What, you have a right to bodily autonomy, but straight/bisexual women don't?! And yeah, I know, I know. "Stop comparing us to incels! Lesbians aren't predatory!" Well, true, most of you are not. The vast, overwhelming majority of you are completely fine and normal. But I always give the side eye to any notion of an entire group of people (any people) being all perfect, pristine angels carte blanche (a scant few people in every large enough group are going to be creeps), and if a scant few of you don't want to be compared to incels... Well, then maybe you should stop behaving like them. Because, when you explicitly resort to their same tactics, even I get the ick off of a few of you, and I'm probably the least homophobic straight person I know. 🤨🤨🤨

They call you "c*rpet m*ncher", "qu**r", "f*g", "d*ke", etc., over your orientation. You then call women (who probably didn't even call you that!) "dick worshipper", "cock rider", etc., over ours.

Enough said. Do I even need to point out (again) that these are almost all just a bunch of sexualized, anti-woman slurs? Do you really think that this is going to bring women over to your side, as opposed to just driving them away? And do you actually think that your female separatist movement is going to have any kind of major societal effect if you would rather drive women away from it, rather than bringing them in? It won't have any impact that way; it will only die out. And, look, I don't think that homophobes should be treating you like that, either. They most definitely should not. I have no doubt that them slinging those slurs at you constantly over your sexual orientation (which you can't control) is extremely hurtful and probably even scary for you. You deserve so much better than that. But, again, last time I checked "lesbophobe" means someone who hates you for only being attracted to other women, not a woman who refuses to date/sleep with you, and, from what I can tell, radfems appear to be, by and large, very pro-gay. Even when we, ourselves, are not. So, it seems very unlikely to me that we're the ones calling you names like that (unless you can show me receipts or something, in which case, go ahead). Until that happens, it occurs to me that people of all sexual orientations are pointing fingers, accusing each other of being sex-obsessed perverts, and calling each other names because, idk, maybe the drama is more interesting to some people than minding their own business? Or they literally can't wrap their minds around being attracted to that sex, so they attack anyone who is? Idk, it all seems very juvenile, and I should think there would be better ways to tell someone that some aspect of their lifestyle is unhelpful to the movement and/or mentally unhealthy to them than merely resorting to often sexualized mudslinging attacks. Honestly, no matter what your views on female separatism or sexual orientation are, can we all just agree to a ceasefire on the relentless mudslinging on all sides?? Please??? This is middle school shit, and it's really getting annoying. Everyone. On both sides. You're like a pack of schoolyard bullies. Stop it.

Again, I'm not saying that female separatists' arguments against dating/sleeping with/marrying and/or having kids with men are entirely wrong. Male violence is a problem for a lot of women, and refusing to be in relationships with them probably would reduce it greatly. But acknowledging heterosexual and bisexual women as being capable of romantic love towards whichever sex(es) we are capable of experiencing attraction to, acknowledging all sexual orientations as something innate that can not be changed and not a choice, and refusing to resort to juvenile mudslinging attacks will not take away from those facts in any way. So, I guess I just don't see what the reasoning is for so many female separatists to refuse to even consider them?

[alexissara]

Trans Awareness and Remembrance

Being trans is something special, it means so many things to so many people and even people who should feel the same things the internal sense of something can still be so wildly different. Being trans is a core part of who I am, not just in that a core part of who I am is a woman but that being trans is a core part of me as well. I've often said if I was AFAB I'd probably say that my gender was just Lesbian but given the cards I was dealt with at birth being a woman and a lesbian are both important to me.

For me, coming out as trans was a long journey from when I found out about trans woman, and the reason it took so long was because of my status as a lesbain. It was the early internet, I lied about my age online so I could access age gated websites doing my best to type and behave like an adult to not get caught. I enter a fourm for trans women and gender change fetishists. Here, I learned more in detail about trans women. However, early 2000s internet trans women were 200% what we in the modern day would call truescum. You had to desire many surgeries, be utterly dysphoric, and the biggest barrier for me, you had to be straight. I fought back, and I was a passionate defender of trans lesbains on that fourm and around the net, but I did internalize it. I didn't want to be a woman, I wasn't a woman, I liked women. If I got with women, I'd not want to magically wake up as one, I'd stop fixating over ways to become a woman, at least beyond the way it had become a fetish. So I did, I dated a lot of women in my freshmen year of high school, I was always chasing after girls, especially bi women and women who wanted to dress me up like a girl. At the end of my freshman year, I would get with my current Fiancée who would explore their own gender and sexuality along with me.

I would spend several years convincing myself my desires were just a fetish even my telling my partner about my fetish came out in weepy tears as if I was coming out as trans because at that point I had to tie that to my identity, it was something that consumed a lot of my time with roleplays and what not becoming my central light in my life where I could play a woman or play someone becoming a woman. I'd eventually meet my long time long distance GFs through and through her status and a out trans woman started to push me towards finally leaving behind the pretext of fetish to explain my deep depression, my deep longing and my deep desire. After many years of concealing and doing my best to not be feeling my Fiancé and GF had a little intervention for me. They talked to me about being non binary and about my own transness and that I was probably trans and that both of them would happily accept me and that it was okay for me to be myself. I rejected it that night but the very next morning, I looked into the mirror, realized I couldn't keep up what I was doing and came out as gender fluid to them.

It would take a bit longer for me to admit what I had known since I was in middle school and first saw the world Trans Woman, when I first read Ramana 1/2, when I saw the body swap episodes of TV shows, that I wanted to be a girl, to have a woman's body, to live in community with other women and be a woman, that I was a woman and I had pushed it back for so long. I'd go to a university therapist to get formally diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I did get it and a letter of recommendation for a gender change and for getting on meds. I would start soon after and never look back. I spent so long doubting that once I was on the path to being a woman it was clear to me.

At that point being a lesbian seemed pretty obvious to me, it would take me a while to be set on what kind of asexual I was and before accepting I was trans I did for a few years ID as bisexual just because I knew I was some kind of queer but it was really just me trying to find a way to be in community while not being able to express my other aspects of queerness yet. I did talk about my label with my partner who was on his own gender journey but they were insistent that me being a lesbian didn't invalidate their own non binary masculinity or make them feel bad so I finally reached the point I had wanted to hit all those years ago, being a Lesbian and a trans woman.

I explain all this just to say to other people who might feel like because their sexuality or whatever else they can't be a woman, that they need to be some platonic ideal of the average cis/het white woman to be a trans woman it isn't true. You can be your true self whatever sexuality you have and whatever presentation you might want and anything else. You get to decide what being a woman means to you. It's worth being yourself even when I was in the pit of Texas, even when I lost family, I never regrated being myself, I finally wanted to be alive and I would trade any danger for the enjoyment of the living.

[gaz-light]

CW: Me but ugly

Ya know what fuck it. I don't intend to this mid week. I wanna do it now while I've got the time and honestly I'm a bit excited.

This is John. He's the guy I used to be. I don't have many other pictures of him but I saved these ones for this purpose. They're some of the few I could stand for some reason.

It's hard to think I ever used to look like that. Think or act the way I did. You could go back right now and tell him the events of the past like year or so and honestly he'd probably understand it. Would be too scared as shit nervous and doubtful to ever believe it. Hated himself too much to imagine it being this way.

This is how I started off on Hormones 1 year ago. 5/31/22. Somewhere between 11/7/21 and 4/9/22 everything went to shit. I crashed my motorcycle and broke my arm, ended up broke, didnt get into grad school, the girl I was madly in love with just let me know I was being replaced by someone with a pussy. It took about everything happy in my life turning to shit over night to finally crack the egg that I had been growing in for so long.

There were signs before. Things I always knew. Always hung out with girls. Liked sapphic content. Felt detachment from peers of my agab, enjoyed pretending at being an internet femboy. Horribly autistic. Fucking hated my body. Hated hated hated hated hated. I had a closeted sissy kink and dressed up FOR YEARS. So much more. Eventually I started hooking up with trannies the same way I hooked up with lesbians and things began to click. Something in me thought ya know what, I don't have to just admire and adore and yearn for them. Then a good friend of mine consoling me one April night more or less extended an invitation and I didn't look back.

And then she was born. I think these photos are from maybe a month post starting HRT. Would you believe I hadn't seen myself without facial hair in like 10 years before this point. I hadn't shaved it all off since I was 13. I'm hispanic. Greek and Cuban so I've had this accursed facial and body hair for fucking ever. I was so afraid the first time I picked up that razor. I didnt know if I'd like what was on the other side. I felt safe and secure in the validation I got from other people that I thought it'd be ok if I was just unhappy with myself forever. I hated whatever I was so much that I didnt have the energy to care for her.

Then I shaved.

I looked in the mirror and I thought that girl looked kinda cute. For the first time I really didnt think I looked so bad. My friends were very supportive thankfully. Not everyone was. Certainly not dear old dad who still wont call me by my name or gender me properly. The man who told me god had cursed him with 2 faggots. My little trans brother and I. The man who let me know I was a disappointment and that neither I or anyone of us were real women. I still havent forgiven him for so much. But I am trying to let it go. Even the cis people were kinda nice. I lost some who were kinda edgy friends from highschool. Nothing of value was lost.

Since then I've worked to navigate the professional world as a woman. My first boss at my first real post college job was this British woman from England who made my life kinda hell. Preyed upon and picked on me and embarrassed me professionally. One of the 2 other women at the office. She never would admit to it but I think she resented me for it. I was also the only tranny there. Well sorta. There was 1 other who worked down in facilities doing the trash and dishes for the labs. But not up there. Not on the 8th floor with us in the "war room".

And this is where and who we are now 1 year later. Same eyes. Same 5'0 looking ass. But happier. Smiles when she looks in the mirror. Can actually do things for herself. Set boundaries. Care. Maybe she can even love too. I've placed myself into countless lesbian romance fantasies and I feel like I have a shot at living them. I used to be like 200 pounds. I'm down to 128 and also built like a brick house full of muscle. I was horrified of being trapped in that body of mine forever and the fear and doubt that I'd never make it even this far scared me into doing nothing until i had little else to lose.

Let me leave you with some wise advice that friend who cracked my egg once gave to me: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.

Transitioning was the best decision I ever made for myself. Happy birthday Morrigan. I love you.

[sapphic-aroace]

I recently realized that I may be an oriented aroace(pan oriented aroace).

My life has been very messy, as I was not well educated about sexuality and gender, and I had unexplainable feelings for many people.

me in the past when I might have felt an aesthetic attraction: from "What the-" to "I see, this must be a crush!" to.

Past me, who may have felt alterous attraction: "is this a - true - crush? Wait, then what was that?"

Past me who may have experienced squish: "This is crush!? Again!? No, no, this is really a mistake. Because we're just friends..."

(Yes, I internalized fucking heteronormativity and fucking amatonormativity🤢)

I learned superficially about aroace: "What were those things? I sometimes wonder, and sometimes I can relate to the experiences of aroaces, but if I called myself an aroace, I would definitely get complaints from all kinds of people"

Me, who finally began to recognize the diversity of aroaces and learned about tertiary attractions: "Oh, so attractions don't have to be only romantic or sexual attractions?! I don't think that those things in my past fall into those two categories! Then maybe I can recognize that I am an aroace! tertiary attraction finally gave me a name for what I was feeling🥲︎"

Me on another day: "there is no way I can call myself an aroace. Because in the past I was... That behavior...were full of alloalloeness..."

(But when I found the label for oriented aroace and the description of the tertiary attractions, all I know for sure is that I felt at peace. I wanted to exclaim, "I finally found this place!"... is all I can say now)

...Even now, I often wonder if I am crazy, or if my existence is disloyal to the LGBTQ+ community and other aspec people.

Do you ever feel that way? When you do, how do you get out of it?

I apologize for the length of the sentence, and I am not very good at English, so I apologize if my writing is not correct🙏

hello!

don't you worry about your English, I understood every word! and English is not my first language either, you're fine 😉

I'd like to start with saying your experiences are entirely valid and that many LGBTQ+ people have been where you are or are still at the same point.

Of course, there are LGBTQ+ people who knew really early that they were not cishet, but many others doubted/are doubting that they were/are really trans, gay, lesbian or bi; aspec as well. feeling like they're mistaken. or can't admit to themselves they're not cishet. you're far from the only one and I can assure you that your experiences are in no way disloyal to any members of the LGBTQ+ community.

As for my own experiences, I can tell you I have dealt with some of what you're feeling.

I am not confused anymore about my attraction, but I have been for the longest time.

it took me many years after I learned about asexuality to admit I was indeed ace and not a late bloomer. while I knew, as soon as I discovered the label, that I was in fact ace, I refused to admit I wasn't "normal". I wanted to be like everyone else.

I still read a lot about acespec people talking about their experiences even though I was in denial, because, deep down I knew I was ace as I said.

I didn't learn about aromanticism at the same time, I discovered it existed many months later, at least.

and I didn't believe that was me. even if I had yet to experience romantic attraction, I wanted to have a girlfriend, so that couldn't be me.

like you, I've dealt with internalized aphobia. I still struggle with it sometimes, but less and less so as time passes and I accept myself more and more.

and like you, I finally started to accept my aromanticism when I learned about oriented aroace and tertiary attraction.

I understood I could still find women attractive in different ways. my feelings were making sense. and others related. it was a relief.

I would also add that even if you believe your past behavior was alloromantic and/or allosexual, it doesn't mean you are not aroace. your struggles with internalized aphobia may have been the reason for this perception, or maybe you've just grown and changed, it can happen.

Finally, I would advise reading about other aroace experiences, especially oriented aroace ones, since it's the label that feels right to you. I think it can definitely help you realize that many people have indeed been or are still questioning and doubting, that you're not alone and that you're feelings are valid. it has helped me a lot.

I would also like to thank you for sharing your experiences, I think it will definitely help others that are looking to understand themselves and have similar feelings to yours.

[calamitaswrath]

Just writing down some thoughts to gather them

I dunno, recently my whole gender questioning has just really been going off the rails. On the one hand, I still don't truly believe that I'm a woman because I don't really want anything that (I think) hrt or surgery would do with my body. What I mean is, I'm fine my current genitals, and don't want breasts, but I'm near certain that hrt and the like would have more effects than just those. And of course there's still all those "what if I'm faking it" doubts, which. . . from what I gather, are also very frequent with other trans or enby people. Another doubt I keep coming back to is that the person I still have feelings for once told me that while they're (not the person's actual pronouns, but just to keep the mention of them more nonspecific, because that whole thing is not the point here) bi, they would currently be more interested in having a relationship with a woman next, so I my thoughts keep circling back to the idea that I'm faking this all to myself in the hopes that it would help me with them. But that's a point I can at least easily dismiss, even if I keep coming back to it.

But then the other hand, I keep trying to tell myself that all these thoughts and doubts are recent, but. . . are they? I haven't actually gone swimming in years, even though I loved to do it as a pre-pubescent child, and I generally really don't like other people seeing me topless, even though it would be acceptable as an amab person. When my beard growth started, I was in denial for the longest time, to the point where I tossed a razor I was gifted into a corner somewhere and never touched it since, and on the whole was super pissed about the present. These days, I shave my face daily, because I really don't want even a single hair there. I also used to think that I hate being called a man or the like because I just fundamentally unprepared for being an adult, but. . . idk, I guess that's still part of it, but I'm also super certain by now that I'm just not a man. And even now, I loathe being called one, but almost never speak out against it, because that's a conversation that I'm just not comfortable with having with anyone irl outside of university. Whenever I hear my own voice in recordings or become aware of it, I just feel distant from it, like it doesn't really fit. For some time, I had bookmarked a video along the lines of "Feminize your voice", which I kept telling myself was just me wanting to improve my vocal range. But. . . was that really it? I ended up deleting the bookmark some while ago apparently, because I never got to it, and now I'm lowkey beating myself up over it. I guess I've also always had a bit of a fascination with the concept of genderswaps, or genderbending? I really liked Ranma 1/2 as a kid, and when I realized that Xenoblade X lets you re-customize your Cross after the start of the game, including gender, I really was all over that. And somehow ended up playing with a male avatar far, far less than I did with a female one. My whole gender questioning began with Arval Fire Emblem. But even though they're still peak gender, I think they're meant to be amab, and didn't shake my own self-view nearly as much A Xenoblade. . . who's afab(-ish), and feminine presenting. I keep asking myself what I want for myself in terms of my presentation, and I just keep coming back to more feminine ways being more appealing to me. I wouldn't even mind wearing skirts (maybe I could microdose by getting a kilt, lol), I feel. I've also already told a few people I interact more commonly with that I wanna give the name Lucia a try, and have already been called that a few times, which always just gives me a jolt in my chest - like, in a good way.

And then there's still the part that considering this trajectory of my own self-view and gender identity, it might not even be wrong to call myself a lesbian, which. . . that thought still gets me all ???, and I'm not really ready yet to interrogate that.

I also rewatched the video that Abigail Thorn of Philosophy Tube made about her coming out and decision to transition, and. . . well, for the most part, the experiences that she talked about I think didn't feel they matched my own. But one thing she mentioned in there, about a feeling of having your whole being, your identity, everything you believed to be true about yourself coming apart. . . that definitely hit.

[goddamnwebcomics]

Gay People vs. Webcomics: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

This will be a different kind of article thingy. It is Pride Month, so naturally, I feel like I should talk about gay people in webcomics. Yes, I identify as a homosexual (former bisexual) myself, and also gay people have appeared most frequently in these webcomics.

The Good:

There’s a reason I wanted to save this article for late June, it’s because of Burke. While I sadly doubt we’ll ever see followup on his and Sulfur’s relationship, the little amounts we’ve gotten is somehow better than most of the shit in the mainstream. Burke and Sulfur weren’t in an abusive relationship, but their relationship wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. They disagreed with eachother’s philosophies which is why it didn’t work out, but neither of them carry ill will to this day. I liked Burke before but this whole scene turned him into one of my favourite characters in this comic. Burke starts off as rather generic gay guy, he has a crush on Matt and they never openly admit he’s gay, but overtime he not only becomes the most competent member of Matt’s group, he’s also excellent at calling out other people for their shit, like he did with Carson. It’s sad that someone as out of touch with reality as Albert could write a better gay character than any Hollywood writer ever combined.

Thankfully Burke is not the token gay of Albertverse, on the Kit n Kay Boodle side of things we have Squinx and Snowicet. Although they’re the only true gay couple we see in Yiffburg, they’re much more mature than rest of Yiffburg’s manchild population. They do get their own arc where they help Dee Muir to overcome her fear of boinkberries. Rereading that arc, they do both have unique personalities, unfortunately it’s ruined by Squinx putting his dick inside Dee Muir at one point but still, these two are way better than rest of the comic, and the only lesbian couples we see in Yiffburg are Bill Blaine’s rats and even then they’re bisexuals and do nothing besides licking each other’s pussies.

Speaking of lesbians, it’s time to discuss the bad stuff.

The Bad:

When it comes to LGBTQ+ rep, Lesbians are overused, not just in the mainstream but also in webcomics, and there’s a reason I’ve been calling them a webcomic cliche since this blog first started. I’m sure there are well-written lesbian characters but I haven’t run into one yet.

Arguably the most prominent gay couple in this blog are Spinnerette and Mecha Maid, I’ve explained about a hundred times why this couple sucks. Mecha Maid is more of an object for Spinny than a source of affection and it seems Mecha Maid lost all of her personality and ability to criticise Heather after they hooked up permanently. Outside of the times this comic introduces a homophobic villain, this relationship is no big deal. Honestly this couple is the biggest wasted opportunity in this blog’s history, since if Kraw wasn’t a hack we would’ve gotten a really tragic couple whose story we could’ve been invested in. But no, MORE PORN COMICS FEFEFEFEH

Marilyn here is not the only girl after Spinny’s clit, there’s also Sarah Nicole, after being indoctrinated into the homophobic church, we learn she is secretly a repressing lesbian, and in fact she becomes somewhat of a stalker for Heather. This angle of Sarah Nicole servers nothing besides making her another porn comic fodder character. It really is a shame because Heather’s chemistry is Sarah Nicole is way better than her chemistry with Mecha Maid, it’s one of the ONLY times she was actually likable!

But moving on from Spinnerette, it’s time to go into another superhero comic. Tsuki is labeled as a lesbian despite being fucking bisexual, and that shows you how much of a moron Dumok is. She treats Kriti as her “girlfriend” but they’re always fighting and arguing, they only bond because of Llew spanking Tsuki or something. There is some attempt at drama as the villain Bittersweet hates lesbians, but her only response to Tsuki being a lesbian is NOOOOOOOO and then she disappears. While Tsuki is one of the worst characters ever, the fetishist treatment of her lesbianity is expected. What I’m saying is, she could be WAY worse, how worse?

The Ugly:

For a comic that tries to be Mookie’s justice serving Banksy protest piece about the evils of government, sports players, paying customers and Orc Haters, the way it treats the comic’s token gay, Szark, is something right out of homophobe’s playbook. Szark starts as a depraved bisexual, but after his wife who tried to kill him dies, he develops a crush on Deegan. He somehow becomes a ridiculously exaggerated gay guy which is a real shame because his character is otherwise decent. He imagines Luna as a temptress and iirc, he has lewd fantasies about Dominic. But once Dominic pukes, pisses and shits his pants he realizes he no longer loves Dominic. It remains to be seen if he will be improved and become a decent character again, but I doubt it.

At least Szark’s love was never implied to be non-consensual, that is not the case with Bowser from Roommates, whose first action is harassing the hideous creature that is VeERGHmon and then he finds him masturbating in his room, and rapes him. And that’s how they fall in love. Yeah, even if VeERGHmon is a sleep paralysis demon he doesn’t deserve to get raped. This whole comic feels super homophobic in general, even the homophobes are homophobic! Wait...I mean, the treatment of homophobes is based on homophobic assumptions that every person who hates gay people must be secretly gay, look no further than Olly and Mondo. We see Olly in the main comic as a guy who brings a little bit of bigotry into the world where no women seem to exist, after an intense Rapist vs. Bigot fight the duo leaves, but Mondo has a pretty decent apology scene after the whole incident, which paints the duo as troubled individuals...and then an Addendum arrives which reveals Olly and Mondo were gay all along. I can’t remember why these two became homophobes to begin with but I’m sure the reason didn’t match any semblance of reality and psychology that exists. And the worst thing is these characters were actually written by gay people. I don’t think Spelunker Sal and Dreamous are “internalized homophobes” or whatever that stupid buzzword is, I just think they’re out of touch with reality.

And yet, YET, YET, these aren’t the bottom of the barrel when it comes to gay characters. For that we must go outside the radius of this blog, and into the horrible world of SuperSaiyanCrash. Yes, Cora Bandicoot should stand out as an example on how to not do a gay character. Cora is a nudist and a molester, she harasses every single woman she comes across, and there was even a cut scene where she gropes a character without the creator’s consent. She claims to be lesbi-err, lesbain, but she also ends up getting impregnated by Goku (Richie’s selfinsert) and thus raises two children, who also end up becoming lesbians. I don’t go “yikes sweetie this is homophobic” that easily, but I feel this character is so offensive the only way she could be more offensive is if she wore a blackface. Cora’s creator is a homophobe who only hated male gay people but liked lesbians because “they were hot”, which perfectly describes the mindset behind most of these characters. They’re stereotypical and presented as overly sexual characters, which has done lasting damage to gay community.

Thankfully I haven’t run into any “zoomer gay” characters, but that might change in the coming years.

[menalez]

I know this is an old topic on your blog now but I just saw the anon taking about polilez being etiologically r/t womb envy and I wanted to agree! as a former inadvertent polilez (sorry) my experience was like. i grew up in a very accepting area of the US and knew a lot of gay/lesbian adults as a child, didn’t have internalized homophobia, only liked girls as a kiddo, had my first “gf” at 11, never really paid attention to guys. was out as a lesbian by 13 among friends, but started being attracted to men as well around 16-17 like right before I discovered radical feminism. also at that time started getting harassed at school by an older guy with a history of violence against women and so really doubled down on being lesbian because I thought it would ward him off, because I had a hard line “reason” to turn him down that was beyond my control. i was scared of him.

spoiler alert he “transitioned” on a Tuesday and on Wednesday was asking me to come over and cuddle again bc he was “suicidal”, and I think at that point it being “lesbian” became very political for me, I was terrified and so angry at the lengths males would go to to violate women’s boundaries, and having just finally accepted and understood the innate nature of sex that, yeah it felt like the enlightened thing to do to affirm homosexuality. and honestly calling myself a lesbian was my way to really validate to myself (was still very involved with “queer activism” at the time) why it was okay that I still really didn’t want to sleep with this person, because, even tho now I know it was because he was a creep and an abuser and a rapist, if I were bisexual, what excuse did I have to not entertain the idea besides genuine bigotry? even though I had been radicalized I didn’t want to disrespect trans people and didn’t want to be the bigoted evil terf that I had been warned about.

obviously I was a kid and just needed practice saying no, but IG my point was for me claiming lesbianism was my way to feel like i could justify being a terf to myself and also because as a bisexual people just assume you “don’t care” about someone’s genitals which is in fact not true lol. the dude transitioned back immediately after graduation, is in jail for assault now. Can’t help wonder if he’s trying to transition again to go to a woman’s facility :-/

anyway this was long winded but basically I just had this misguided notion that being a lesbian would protect you from predatory male behavior when in fact I now understand it just makes you an even bigger target. and also that it was the only “valid” reason to be GC in my own head because I believed that it would be easier to defend my views on sex and gender if I had the authority to say “look as a lesbian I’m not attracted to you.” was also totally wrong about that as y’all receive the worst of the worst IRT backlash about dating boundaries. and there are one million other reasons to be GC besides not wanting to date/fuck trans people but because I was so afraid of being bigoted it was the only one that seemed “safe” to me. no need to publish this if it’s confusing or stupid but haven’t talked/thought about it in a while. Ok done. love your blog and think you’re amazing :-) keep fighting the good fight

your experience is quite interesting to me bc i do hear many bi & het women argue they call themselves lesbians bc it provides them some safety / means they don’t want to fuck men and dont want to explain not wanting to fuck men even tho their sexuality doesn’t bar them from it or sth, and to me i didn’t rly get it bc 1. just bc ur into men doesn’t mean ur obligated to fuck them 2. just bc ur into men doesn’t mean u should want any man possible. ur allowed to have boundaries too! 3. claiming to be a lesbian doesn’t actually provide any security. maybe maybe in the most progressive gay friendly place ever or something but even then i doubt it. so it’s definitely interesting to hear from someone who had that perspective and realised through experience that for men “lesbian” is just another variation of “try to change my no into a yes” to them. also i can say from my own experiences that when we’re teens, our idea of sexual orientation and sexuality can be quite dumb and skewed so i don’t fully blame u here. some of my feelings about sexual orientation back then made absolutely no sense and looking back im just like -_- ok how on earth did i buy that bullshit

[vinxwatches]

star trek: Lower Decks season 2

actions pact start. on the one side it's a very interesting conflict. on the other this feels like trying to undo the setup of the finally. ok, semi reset. like the option of them working together, but also maintaining the status quo

i do hope that main guy and main girl don't get together. i just think their relationship is so much better as a friendship. lamp shading animation errors. neat. odd to introduce a new character to just replace him with an old one.

ok. last episode did some lampshading. but if they just undo a major character death then that's just stupid. like maybe it's a reference to another show but that doesn't work in this show on it's own, and if the show doesn't work on it's own then that's a major weakness of the show. like if it's the plot of the episode great. but it better not be just a throw away joke or lampshade. so she's pansexual. it wasn't confirmed yet. yet somehow her being straight or even lesbian would be a bigger surprise. ok, they actually did something with it. more a joke, but at least it's something i can accept.

ok, i'm a very basic bitch. i just love myself some badass lady.

"we call ourselves the redshirts. makes us sound invinsible" even with my Very limited knowledge on startrek i get that joke.

everything tastes like black liquorish... well, being dutch would come in handy there. not like i'm the biggest fan of liquorish, but i grew up with it. random question: is liquorish related to liquor name wise? not much of a revelation. is or isn't he ready? what's their relationship like going forward?

roles reversed episode... but like... one of the big points is the that higher up often do a very meh job. showing their job is hard is stupid ways fails on so many levels. the point has to that it's rigged right? ok, they made good use of it.

so here's something i just thought of: the conceit of this show is that many people want to rank up, going from lowest rung to highest officer. this... well it's stupid. lets compare it to me: i'm a programmer. if the company i worked at worked like this then tough hard work and showing of i could move up the ranks. manager, maybe HR, CEO... i would not be able to do that. well except CEO because in big companies that's not a job. no matter how good i show of to be at making a program that's not the training i'd need to lead a team. i'd prefer the person to lead the team to be a good leader over being a good programmer. of course understanding what your team is doing well enough is part of being a good leader, you can't be a leader in construction and become a leader store management without training and be any good. but a leader wouldn't need to understand how my code works to be a good leader. their method of ranking up makes sense for a show (or a game) as it means the protagonists (or you the player) have something they can work towards. but in reality it's a sign of at best outdated leadership structures. now it makes sense why star trek has it: it's an old show based of submarine battles. so of course it takes hints from the military, which stuck for a long time or even still sticks to going from the bottom to the top instead of training people for different ranks. and as i said it works well for narratives. but it's still worth pointing out.

wait... why is there a door for the spaceport inside which spaceships remain? a massive interior space without atmosphere. i mean, could be justified as keeping it safe from debris, but still seems silly. i mean i was going to save compared to smaller hatches for individual ships, but that would mean multiple gates while this just means one giant gate all ships have to pass trough. still feel silly, but i can make it make sense. i doubt they put this much thought into it.

i feel so much for the lady who got angry over the ballroom dancing competition having to be postponed. damn you empathy.

damn this is a cool setup. and i already know the twist, it'll all be for nothing as the other ship will be able to save itself. either ruining the captains chances for success or making her want to stay on the old ship.

damn good finally already.

damn... that twist though.

[fictionsmooches]

PORCO X READER X PIECK

Plot: after a small fight with Porco, Pieck helps (y/n) get Porco jealous, while also having fun with her.

Contains: sweating, degradation, Praia, name calling ‘slut’ whore’ ect.ect., oral sex, unprotected sex, thigh riding, lesbian sex, 18+ MDNI

Word count; 3k-ish

Classes had already been out for the day, and with a long weekend around the corner, you were more than ready to get this ‘Porco issue” sorted out. Your whole life felt like it was spent between Pieck and Porco. You three had formed a bond unlike any other. You shared secrets, hopes, and protected each other on and off the battlefield.

“Look (y/n), a small fire lit under his ass wouldn’t hurt him. Besides, he’s been awfully rude to me lately. I wouldn’t mind making him a little jealous myself.” Pieck said.

All week he had been acting funny towards you. A little too funny for your comfort. It all started when you and Pieck decided to hang out without Porco. He had been taking extra lesions from Zeke as of lately, so he wouldn’t come home until late. The dorms were too quiet to be alone. Your thoughts had rang too loud to be left alone with quiet ticks of clocks to keep you company.

Pieck had no roommate since Annie left for Paradis, so you decided to have a sleepover. The two of you spent the night swapping stories of the week and laughing over nothing. It was a well needed pleasant night. However, In the morning when you arrived home you could see the hurt all over Porco’s face. He was sitting up on his bed. He faced the door. Dark circles rimmed his eyes, you knew for a fact he didn’t sleep at all last night.

“Where were you? You know you worried me to death!” he yelled standing up. His loud tone took over the whole room. It was as if nothing else existed apart from you two in this room.

“Oh I'm sorry Pock.. I don’t mean to worry you. I just got lonely waiting here for you to come back so I had a sleepover with Pieck.” you spoke softly as if to sooth him. You really didn't mean to make him worry, that was the last thing you wanted.

“Well the least you could have done was left a note.” he said brushing passed you as he walked through the still open door. His voice was cold and numb. You hated seeing this side of Porco, the cold side of him.

You could deal with his anger outbursts, you could manage the yelling or the cursing when he was upset. You could at least talk him down from that, but you can't help him when he was like this. How could you help somebody who didn't feel nothing? This was the first time he ever acted like this towards you, and it felt horrible.

Sure he yelled at Reiner and even got too snappy with Pieck every now and again- but not you. He made a habit of bragging to everyone that you’d be his wife one day and how beautiful you were whenever you weren’t around. You knew Porco was smitten for you but he never acted on it.

You waited all year for Porco to make the first move but feared he never would. Maybe it was because he wanted to live up to Marcel’s legacy. Maybe he didn’t want to ruin the friendship between you and Pieck. But it looked as though he’d never act on those feelings now.

“Pieck.. what if he never talks to me again?” you spoke as you slipped down onto Pieck’s lap. Her skirt was damp with the tears you’d been crying all day.

“I highly doubt that. You just have to show him that if he doesn’t act fast, he’ll lose you.”

You nodded and sat up. You wiped your last tear away and raised your fist.

“Ok. What’s the plan?”

Pieck slipped her arm around your waist and pulled you closer. Your thighs now touched one another as she closed in the gap between you two. She cupped her free hand over your ear, she whispered softly.

“You want me to do what?! Pieck, we aren’t little girls anymore! We can’t just ‘practice’ like we did when we were little!” you jumped slightly. She pulled you back into her grasp.

“And why not! Am I not your type?” Pieck teased.

“It’s not that” you looked away. “It’s just.. I don’t know.. Embarrassing?”

Pieck couldn’t help but giggle at your shyness. It is true that you two used to practice kissing each other when you were children. You needed to be sure that when the time came, and you married your future spouse, you’d be ready. But you were not children anymore. You couldn’t just kiss her and act like it meant nothing. After all, you had some morals left.

Sure Porco and Pieck fought about who would be the one to marry you- but you never thought anything of it. Why would you? Wasn't it natural to hold hands with your best friends? Your mind ticked and ticked until finally you could form a coherent thought. Was Pieck in love with you? And was Porco as well? How long had they been? Either way, the idea of kissing Pieck didn’t seem so far-fetched anymore.

You could hear Porcos boots clomping in the distance, he had always been so brash with his walking. You often felt bad for the poor wood floors he had walked on.

Just as the door knob turned, Pieck cupped your face and pressed her lips against yours. As soon you were connected, you could feel yourself pooling under your skirt. Pieck had begun rubbing on your thigh, and that definitely didn't help the dampness from collecting. The warmth of her mouth took over your whole body. You couldn’t help but melt into the kiss, your mouth opened slightly as Pieck shoved her tongue into yours.

You knew Porco could walk in at any moment, and the excitement of him catching you made you want to kiss Pieck even more. It felt so dirty to be like this. To have Pieck’s hand up your skirt, and to have Porco possibly see. you wouldn't dream of pulling away. It felt too good to stop now.

The moment the door actually opened, Porco just stood there- eyes wide as he watched Pieck absolutely degrade the mouth he wanted for himself. He had dreamed about parting those lips countless times. He tried to imagine if your mouth felt as good as it did in his wet dreams. His now half hard cock twitched as he watched Pieck pull away from you, a string of saliva still connecting you two.

“Good evening Pock.” she spoke with a smile as if nothing just happened.

He avoided his gaze from the two of you. “Yeah.. whatever” he said, nearly throwing his books on his desk. He took a seat as he covered his face- hoping it would make his blush less noticeable.

Pieck kissed your forehead. “I’ll see you later my sweet (y/n), i’ll be late to class.” she said walking out of your dorm with a wink. You sat breathless at what had just happened. Pieck had unlocked something so sinister in you, and you feared that simple kissing wouldn't be enough for you anymore.

As time went on you wouldnt understand how Pieck could just go along with you like nothing happened. You walked to class together as usual, ate lunch like you usually would- but in the back of your mind the only thing you could think about was Pieck. You craved her touch on your body. You longed for her hands and for her mouth, but you wanted Porco’s gaze upon you just as much.

“Uhh Earth to (y/n)?” Pieck said waving her hand in front of you. You had spaced out at the table you had been studying at. Porco sat at your left and Pieck across from you.

“I’m sorry. I just got lost in thought!” You rubbed the back of your head In embarrassment.

The stuffy room you sat in, had once been dedicated to strategizing wars and battles but the campus had now converted them into study halls for students. You weren’t sure if the weather made the room feel humid or if you had imagined it to distract yourself from forming tension between you three.

Large windows covered the walls of the room, the sunlight coming in gave you a clear view of everything in the room. The tables were old and worn, chairs wobbled ever so slightly, and the books on the shelf were slowly collecting dust as years went by.

“Is it hot in here?” You ask aloud, fanning yourself with your hand.

“I’m sure it is, and these uniforms don’t help out any.” Pieck smiled was she pulled her book away from her face.

Porco slid his hand on your thigh from under the table, he snickered as he turned the page of his book with his other hand.

You gulped quietly.

“Yeah I’m getting tired of all these layers, I wish I could peel off a few, don’t you Pieck?”  Porco said as his hand gilded under your skirt, calloused hands rubbed small circles on your inner thighs. You were being too obvious, you had always been too obvious.

Pieck caught on quickly to the soft movements Porco made under the table and your breath heaving. Her eyes made their way to your warm cheeks with a smirk.

“I understand completely, Porco.” Pieck looked directly in your eyes “It’s almost like I could undress entirely right now.” she began fiddling with the top buttons of her shirt.

You could feel it happening again. The wetness starting to build between your legs was unbearable.

You were practically gasping for air as Porco’s hand slowly started making its way closer and closer to your clothed cunt. Your clit ached with the thought of his touch. All sense of shame was gone at this point. Pieck’s shirt was half way opened at this point. The bits of her lace bra were exposed more and more with every bottom she slowly undid.

You couldn’t tell if your arousal came more from Piecks undressing or from Porcos touch, but at this point it didn't matter, you only knew you needed more. You wished to be laid against Pieck’s chest as Porco bent you over the wooden table, just imagining it made you bucked your hips in desperation for more friction. Porco slowly placed the pad of his middle and ring finger against your clit.

He withdrew his hand entirely as you let out a soft moan.

“It’s almost time for dinner, we gotta get going if we want to beat the crowd.” Porco said, looking at the clock on the wall.

“Right! Best if we leave now.” Pieck said with a devilish smile as she began buttoning up her shirt.

The two left you there panting for air, and longing for hands all over your body. The light of golden hour stained the room with warm hues. Your mind raced with what had just happened, and why you were left hot and bothered. Your legs spread open on the chair you had been sitting it, a small puddle laid under you.

The next day You woke to an empty dorm. Porco had been long gone at training. You knew you would have most of the day to yourself but today your mind raced with thought of Pieck and Porco. At times you shifted your weight to distract yourself from the overwhelming thoughts you craved.

It wasn’t long before a knock at the door sent a shiver up your spine that jolted you to sit up.

“(Y/N)?” Pieck called as she let herself in. “I assume Porcos is training?”

You nodded.

“Ooh so you’re all alone?” Pieck’s tone sounded sultry like she was alluding to something. You felt the heat rising in your face.

She made her way over to your bed. Her foot steps echoed in the room with every step she took. She took a seat on your bed. And leaned over to your ear.

“Have you been thinking of me?”

You avoided looking at her. “Maybe” you answered

“Or have you been thinking of Porco?” She asks nibbling at your ear lobe. Your breath couldn’t help but deepen.

“Maybe” you answer again

Pieck pulled away and repositioned herself. She was now sitting with her back fully against the wall, her legs laid out over the length of the bed.

“Come here (y/n). I want you to show me the way you want to grind on Porcos lap” she lifted her skirt to expose her thighs. She looked so soft from where you sat.

You don’t think twice about straddling her thigh. Your clothed cunt made contact with her soft skin sending a shiver down your spine. Piecks hand found their place on your ass with a squeeze.

“Such a desperate little whore you’ve become. You get one kiss from me and a half assed teasing from Porco, and you’re so eager to do as I say?” She squeezed your ass again only this time more rougher.

You could only moan in response.

Pieck had begun dragging you back and forth on her thigh, pleasure rippled through your body.

“Unbutton your shirt for me”

You hesitated. “What if Porco comes back early?” You whined

“Don’t act like you don’t want him to see you like this. Now unbutton your shirt”

She lifted her leg to make more friction between you and her thigh.

You did as you were told and undid every button to the best of your ability given the circumstances.

“No bra? You really are a whore (y/n)!”

You moaned at her words, your pussy was leaking all over her thigh as you rode her.

Pieck placed your nipple in her mouth and began to suck.

“Fuck-!” You say throwing your head back

She slapped your ass making you moan louder.

Her mouth felt amazing wrapped around the sensitive bud, sending shockwaves through your entire body.

She looked up at you through her eyelashes. She looked as though she was smiling as she sucked on your nipple, she knew what she was doing.

The knot in your stomach had started to tighten.

“Pieck! You’re going to make me cum!”

She pulled away. Without saying anything, she pulled your panties to the side, giving your cunt direct contact with her.

“Cum for me then” she said looking in your eyes.

Your hips moved at a rapid pace as you released on her thigh with a scream.

You were so busy with Pieck that you didn’t even notice Porcos boots clomping down the hallway. By the time you noticed he was already opening the door.

He stepped into the most unexpected but beautiful sight. You say still straddling Piecks thigh, gasping with your tits out. Your cum and sweat covered your body and Piecked thigh, your skirt hiked up over your ass and piecks hands holding on the back of your thighs.

Pieck peered her head to the side “hi Pock!”

You couldn’t help but feel so embarrassed and exposed.

Porcos cock twitched with excitement.

“So this is what you do while I’m off working my ass off?” He says while slicking his hair back more.

You were speechless. When you decided to speak all you could manage to say was “I’m sorry- I couldn’t help myself! I just-“

“Just what? Decided to act like a slut and think I wouldn’t find out?” Porco says.

Your clit jumped with excitement.

Pieck shifted her weight so you lay elbows to the bed with your ass in the air. Pieck guided her hands to your panties and slid them off of you. She spread your ass cheeks and pussy lips for Porcos full view.

“Look Porco, she’s just begging to be filled” Pieck smiled up at you.

You could hear Porco’s zipper being undone behind you.

“She sure is. But I want to hear that from her” he grinned, stroking his cock. The tip was wet with precum already. He stroked as your hole fluttered with excitement.

“Please Porco! Please, I need it!” You said.

“Tell me princess, what do you need?”

Pieck reached her hand underneath to rub your clit.

You gasp nearly being able to talk, “I need you to fuck me Porco! Please fuck me!” You choke out.

“Good girl” he said as he slowly pushed the tip of his hard cock inside. “Mmm.. so fucking wet already” he shoved the enteier length inside you.

You moaned against piecks mouth as she kissed you. Her tongue once again shoving its way into your mouth.

While Porco took his time fucking your tight hole, you slid lower to make contact with Pieck’s lower half. She giggled at the sight of you being so eager to please her. “Here, ill help you.” She said lowering her panties.

You wasted no time lapping up every once of Piecks oozing pussy. She collapsed into the this matress as you attacked her clit.

Piecks moaning caught the attention of Porco. “L-Like what you see Pock? Her mouth feels amazing on my pussy.” Pieck said, smirking.

“I always knew (y/n) would be the perfect little slut.” Porco said speeding up his thrust into your sloppy tight cunt. You moaned against Piecks clit, squeezing down on Porco’s cock in response to his degrading words.

Slowly you added two fingers into Piecks slit.  “Better do a good job (y/n), or I wont let you cum” Porco said slowing his pace. You wasted no time proving at her g-spot. Pieck moaned in delight.

“Good girl.” Pieck said in between moans.

You couldn’t go on much long like this. You needed release and you needed it bad. Porco could tell you where close by the way you began clamping down on his cock.

Pieck was the first to cum as she held a fist full of your hair “(y/n)! You’re gunna make me cum” she exclaimed. She lay breathless on the bed for a moment as Porco kept thrusting into you.

Pieck seized the opportunity to reach under and rub your clit. Pieck’s soft fingertips where enough to send you over the edge. “Porco! I’m coming!” You screamed.

“I’m close (y/n).. where do you want me to finish?” He choked

“Don’t be shy now (y/n) Answer him” Pieck said.

“Inside!” You yelled feeling over stimulated.

“Fuck!” Porco said as he raised inside of you, your pussy drank up every drop of his cum.

You three laid squished against one another, sweat and cum covering your bodies

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 15

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

Previous Chapter: Chapter 14

Next Chapter: Chapter 16

Will covered his face with his hand. ‘I do not understand why after yesterday you’d want to return to the woods,’ he said. ‘Well, I understand the recklessness of some of you, but I was expecting a little more sense from Alastair.’

Lucie had to agree that if any of them had the common sense not to run towards danger, it was Alastair.

‘If we do nothing, we stand little chance of saving Thomas,’ Alastair said, his voice betraying no emotion but he did seem a bit stiff.

‘Excellent point. I’ve heard I am to congratulate you, by the way, Alastair. And Thomas too, of course. Here I was hoping that after James and Cordelia broke up, I’d have another chance for a Carstairs in the family with you and Lucie.’

Lucie wished she could disappear. She deeply regretted telling her father about her crush on Alastair, almost two years ago. Nowadays, she realized she’d probably just looked up to him, she had been grateful for the way he’d defended her. She had liked him better than most boys in school, and had mistaken that for a crush. However, when it came to boys in school, the bar was on the floor.

Alastair, for his part, looked horrified. ‘That will never happen. I’m gay.’

‘So am I!’ declared Lucie. She figured this was as good a time as any to bring it up, and she’d been meaning to tell everyone anyway.

Everyone stared at her. Alastair looked amused. ‘Well, that is one way to come out. Congratulations, Lucie.’

Her father looked surprised. ‘Really? You always told me about boys you liked.’

Lucie shrugged. ‘Yeah, that’s weird,’ she said. ‘I think at some point I started looking at girls and realized what I felt for boys didn’t really compare.’

Lucie wasn’t sure that made sense, but on the internet she’d discovered plenty of lesbians had had crushes on boys before realizing. Feelings were confusing for sure, and the longer Lucie thought about it, the more she began to understand those oblivious book characters who were obviously in love but had no clue.

‘I didn’t realize,’ Will said. ‘But I’m glad you told me. Can’t wait until you tell us about any girls you like.’

Considering her father’s fondness for the Carstairs family and how determined he was to bring one into the family, Lucie wasn’t sure telling him how she felt about Cordelia was a good idea. She didn’t doubt her father would think it a good idea to help, which would end in disaster.

Lucie felt that was enough said about the topic for now. ‘Back to our plan,’ she continued. ‘We need to find the selkie skin, which according to our source is located in the woods, in the land in between. The same place Alastair and Thomas ended up finding yesterday. There was a trap door they couldn’t open, but cortana could cut through the lock, so that’s our way in.’

Lucie didn’t mention the minor risk of getting trapped all the way in the realm of the thief of souls. Nor were they completely sure the trap door hid the selkie skin, but it had to hide something interesting, right?

‘Hold on, whose selkie skin, and why?’ Will asked.

Cordelia summarized last night’s visit. ‘Grace needs that skin, or she will be forced to use her power on us. Even if our plan has its risks, the risk of doing nothing is falling under the spell of a siren.’

‘I thought you said she was a selkie,’ Will said.

‘Something in between, I think,’ Cordelia said. ‘She is a selkie, but she has the voice of a siren. Something about myths being muddled. I don’t know, I can’t say I have much experience with the lovely ladies of the sea. That’s what she called herself, by the way.’

Lucie had to admit Grace was indeed quite lovely.

Will sighed. ‘I guess you’re right that someone has to go. I’d do it myself, but there must be a reason she asked for Cordelia specifically and I don’t have any weapons. But I do want you to be back by dinner. Now hurry before Tessa, Gideon or Sophie learns of your plans.’ A playful smile appeared on her father’s lips. ‘And if anyone asks, this conversation never happened.’

Lucie quickly put on some walking shoes, heart beating fast until the four of them were out of sight and she was sure her mother couldn’t stop them anymore. Her father might be lenient when it came to recklessness, but her mother was not.

‘If anyone gets mad at us, I’m definitely blaming your father,’ Alastair announced.

‘That’s not fair,’ Lucie protested. ‘He covered for us.’

‘Let’s just focus on our mission,’ Thomas offered. ‘Yesterday, we took this path and it took us to the ruins.’

She followed Thomas and Alastair, who remembered how they’d come upon the ruins yesterday. It was a nice route, Lucie had to admit that, with a small pond on the side. In the end, after a long walk by Lucie’s standards, they exited the woods back where Lucie had entered to follow Tatiana, at the side of the village.

Lucie frowned. ‘Are you sure that was the right route?’ she asked. ‘I didn’t see any ruins.’

‘Perhaps the entrance is somewhere different today,’ Thomas suggested. ‘Maybe we should go back and try another path.’

After trying several paths and walking for hours, Lucie was getting tired. She wasn’t used to taking walks this long like Thomas and Alastair were and she was pretty sure she had blisters on both feet. Determined not to complain, she trailed behind the two boys, who kept exchanging longing stares. They really were adorable together. Thomas at some point took Alastair’s hand in his, which caused Alastair to stop in his tracks. Lucie nearly bumped into him.

‘Why isn’t this working?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Well, yesterday was the first time we found the ruins,’ Thomas said. ‘Before that, the forest was normal. Apart from some gnomes, things like that. Nothing unusual, at least. Perhaps today, the gateway isn’t there. Or perhaps there’s another trick to reaching it.’

‘Is there anything we did different yesterday?’ Alastair wondered.

‘We didn’t intend to find the land in between,’ Thomas said. ‘What if we cannot find it now that we’re actively looking?’

‘Then how would Tatiana find it?’ Alastair asked. ‘If that’s where she hid Grace’ skin, she can’t have stumbled on the ruins by accident like we did.’

‘Could be part of the deal she made, her learning how to come there,’ Lucie said. ‘Is there anything else you did differently?’

‘We were there earlier,’ Alastair added. ‘Thomas decided to sleep in today, whereas yesterday he and I went into the woods early in the morning.’

‘I think I was on my way there when I followed Tatiana,’ Lucie added. ‘When I returned, Cordelia said I was gone for an hour when it didn’t feel that way, just like you were gone for a whole day.’

‘I’m not sure stalking Tatiana until we can follow her there is such a good idea,’ Alastair said. ‘Perhaps we should try it again tomorrow morning.’

They tried again the next morning, and then in the evening for a short walk, but no result. She had patched up her feet with blister band aids from her mother’s first aid kit and kept going, even if her feet were still hurting and it was getting worse. It wasn’t the time, it turned out, and Lucie started to get frustrated. Grace hadn’t come back, and how were they supposed to get her skin if they couldn’t get back into the land in between?

The third morning, after another fruitless attempt to find the land in between, her mother was waiting for them in the hallway when they returned to the house.

‘Where have you been all morning?’ she scolded.

Lucie realized none of them had a good excuse for this morning. Most of the time, no one had noticed them return, and they had been ‘reading’ the whole time in their bedrooms. At least for Thomas and Alastair, it was believable that they’d want to spend time together in a bedroom “reading” any time of the day. She looked around to see if anyone would come up with something. At least Cordelia was a decent liar. But no one offered a believable excuse and Lucie had no inspiration.

‘We were looking for a way back into the land in between,’ Lucie said, deciding not to reveal her father’s role in their adventures. ‘But we couldn’t find it. So no harm done, we weren’t in danger and the only injuries sustained are my blisters.’

Her mother sighed. ‘You’re just like your father, Lucie. But I’d hoped some of you had more sense.’

Her mother looked at Alastair, her expression stern. ‘I thought you could be a voice of reason among them, Alastair. I don’t understand why you’d do something so reckless. Promise me you won’t go into the woods again.’

Lucie agreed that out of the four of them, Alastair probably had the most common sense, but it was almost painful to see Alastair respond. Lucie knew her mother often came across as harsher than she meant, but Alastair probably didn’t. His face went blank, he retreated back into his shell. Lucie might not have noticed anything was wrong if Cordelia had not looked so concerned.

‘I’m sorry to have disappointed you, dr. Gray,’ he said and before anyone else could say anything, Alastair disappeared inside, presumably to his bedroom.

Her mother had a PhD and did all sorts of medical research, Lucie knew she liked it when people called her by her title, but at the same time she’d hoped Alastair was close enough to her parents to call them by their first names.

Thomas and Cordelia also made their way inside before her mother could get angry with them too, Lucie remaining behind.

‘It was for Thomas,’ Lucie said. ‘We needed to find the place in between again. We needed to find Grace’ selkie skin or else Tatiana will force Grace to enchant us with her voice.’

Tessa sighed, putting her hand on Lucie’s shoulder. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Lucie? We could have gone in your place.’

Lucie figured she shouldn’t tell her mother her father had encouraged her to go.

‘I didn’t want you to put yourself in danger,’ Lucie said. ‘Cordelia has cortana, Alastair has his memory, so they had to go. I think you’ve upset Alastair, I better go check if he’s alright.’

Tessa sighed. ‘No, I will check on him. You’re right, I was too harsh on him. I didn’t consider… Never mind, I’ll go. But don’t think you’re out of trouble, young lady. You’re not leaving the house until otherwise specified.’

Lucie groaned and went inside, taking off her shoes and replacing the patches on her blisters. She had a pair of fit flops she could still wear, and Lucie decided that even if those shoes weren’t the most suitable for the forest, she would wear them for their next walk. If she was ever allowed to leave the house again, that was.

She wasn’t sure where Cordelia or Thomas had gone, upstairs to find Alastair? Perhaps she should join them, but her father found her first.

‘Tessa caught you,’ he concluded, sitting down next to her.

Lucie made a face. ‘Now I’m not allowed to leave the house.’

‘I’ll talk to her,’ her father promised. ‘Have you found anything yet?’

‘No,’ Lucie said. ‘I don’t understand why. Thomas and Alastair one day walked into the land in between on accident, but now we can’t find it and it’s frustrating and my feet hurt and these blisters are bursting open.’ She paused. ‘Did you see where Thomas and Cordelia went?’

‘Upstairs,’ Will said. ‘I’m thinking they’re talking to Alastair. He seemed rather upset. Is everything alright with him?’

Lucie sighed. ‘I think it’s something mom said. She didn’t mean to hurt him, but because he’s the oldest out of the four of us and definitely the one with the most common sense, she said that she’d expected more from him.’

She couldn’t explain it exactly, she didn’t always understand what upset Alastair. But she suspected Alastair felt like he didn’t deserve to be here, or that her parents liking him was very conditional. Perhaps in Alastair’s mind, all love was conditional, and any mistake he made meant he’d lose someone’s love. Lucie was trying to understand what was going on in his head. As a writer, she should be able to understand how people thought and why they did what they did. As a friend, she should be able to offer support. She wasn’t sure she was doing a good job with either.

‘I imagine that’s difficult for him to hear,’ Will said. He sighed. ‘This is all my fault. I’ll talk to your mother, and tell her I encouraged you to go.’

‘Mom will be very mad with you,’ Lucie said.

‘Now she’s angry with you, and I deserve it more,’ Will said. A playful smile lit up his face. ‘Besides, you’re not little princess Lucinda who needs to be locked in a tower, that’s for sure. What’s life without a little risk?’

Lucie wondered if he’d feel the same way after facing her mother.

She went outside into the garden on her fit flops to feel the sun on her skin after reapplying sun screen. The weather was nice today, not too hot, a soft breeze against her cheek, and only a few clouds in the air. That could change any moment though, Scotland was known for is changeable weather. A good atmosphere for a nice romantic scene, or bonding between friends or family. Or just fun scenes that might not need to be in the book but balanced out the dark ones. Lucie felt a book should be balanced in that sense. While she loved drama and darkness, she did not like gritty stories where everything was dark and terrible. She liked to balance out the darkness with a sweet romance or gentle characters still remaining kind and hopeful in the worst circumstances. Or characters who might have turned bitter, but were trying to be better. Thomas had a bit of a weakness for those, which totally wasn’t because that archetype resembled Alastair.

The garden still counted as the house, right? She suspected Thomas and Cordelia were both still with Alastair and she didn’t think it would be a good idea to join them. She didn’t know Alastair as well as Cordelia did, she feared she’d only say the wrong thing. Besides, Alastair didn’t seem to like people taking care of him or fussing over him, Cordelia had told her she sometimes had to force him to let her protect him for once. Lucie feared her mother’s comment had reinforced some deeply held belief of his that he was worthless, even if she had never intended to make him feel that way.

She wondered how she’d never seen something was not right at the Carstairs home. Cordelia hadn’t either, but she remembered how when she was young, Cordelia would sometimes come to her for sleepovers, whereas Cordelia’s parents had rarely invited her over at their house. Of course, when she was little Lucie would get homesick and preferred having sleep overs at her own house anyway, so it had never bothered her.

And when Lucie was little, her father would always come sing her a Welsh lullaby. He was Welsh through his father, whereas the house here in Scotland had been in her grandmother’s family for some time. He was a horrible singer, and it was hilarious how he kept trying and did not care what people thought. It was sweet and Lucie had always felt safe and protected when her father came to tuck her in and sing his horrible songs. Cordelia had told her it was usually Alastair who sang her good night songs and tucked her in. That had made sense too. Alastair had a beautiful voice after all, and who wouldn’t want to listen to him sing? Back then, Alastair had seemed much older and wiser than the two of them, but really, he’d been a child too.

And Cordelia had regularly had to cancel plans because her father was sick and she couldn’t leave him. Lucie had understood, although the disappointment never quite faded. But when Lucie’s father was sick, he might whine and moan like a typical man flu patient and complain that he needed uncle Jem’s care and support, but he would never have asked Lucie to choose taking care of him over spending time with the few friends she had.

None of those things had struck her as odd in childhood, but now she was thinking maybe they should have. Maybe someone should have seen something was not right at the Carstairs house. Perhaps then Alastair wouldn’t be in so much pain now.

‘Lucie!’

Lucie looked up, but didn’t see anyone calling out her name. Nor did she recognize the voice. It was a smooth, feminine voice.

‘Over here!’ the voice hissed and Lucie followed the sound to the trees and recognized Grace.

‘What are you doing here?’ Lucie asked.

‘Tatiana left me alone. She didn’t realize I had enough free will left to come here.’

‘I’m sorry, we don’t have your skin yet,’ Lucie said.

Grace rolled her eyes. ‘I know. I’ve seen you walk in the woods once or twice. Honestly, that was embarrassing.’

Lucie frowned. ‘How so?’

‘You never even opened the gateway,’ Grace said.

‘How are we supposed to do that? We’re not Tatiana!’ Lucie exclaimed. ‘And Alastair and Thomas entered the land in between by accident.’

‘It sucks people in sometimes,’ Grace said. ‘But rarely by accident. Alastair was targeted when he and Thomas came there, Tatiana found out he has a memory ability and she thinks he’s a threat to her plans. I think she’s scared her brother will remember something. That’s why the werewolf was after him.’

Lucie frowned. ‘They know about that?’

‘Yes. But they do not yet know about you,’ Grace said. ‘I figured it out when I realized you could see Jesse. You better get my skin back before she realizes what you are. She’ll want you dead for sure.’

‘What I am?’ Lucie asked.

‘You have power, Lucie,’ Grace said. ‘You’re a witch.’

‘No, I’m not,’ Lucie said. ‘I just see ghosts. That’s all.’

‘I know you see ghosts. You talked to Jesse. Do you have any idea how rare that ability is?’

‘I’ve never met anyone else who could do it.’

‘Exactly!’ Grace exclaimed. ‘You have no idea what you’re capable of. You can open a gateway into the land in between. And even more important, if you find yourself trapped you can open the way back.’

‘How do you know?’ Lucie asked.

‘Because I have heard legends of one other person like you. A witch who was born centuries ago. She wasn’t like other humans who used magic, she used dark magic, but hadn’t acquired it through a deal and there was no price to pay to something powerful. As a little girl, all she knew was she saw ghosts. And when ghosts stayed around her, they became stronger. But she learnt there was much more she could do and grew stronger. She learnt to open those gateways and use them as a weapon, she learnt to control the dead.’

Lucie was horrified. She could do such things? ‘What happened to her?’

‘As a woman of her time, and an odd one at that, she was treated badly of course. At some point she snapped and became a dangerous, evil witch. Who can blame her, honestly. She was defeated by the ancestor of the Carstairs, the one who carries cortana. Before he could deliver the killing blow, she jumped into the sea and drowned herself. She lost her dark magic, but came back to life as a daughter of the sea, a mermaid. She repented, changed, and lived her life peacefully in the sea. That is how we know her story.’

Lucie frowned. ‘I don’t want to be an evil witch,’ she said.

Grace’s grey eyes were cold and void of emotion. ‘Then don’t be. Just because magic is dark doesn’t mean it’s evil. Be a good witch or a neutral one or whatever you want to be. But you can’t change that you are a witch, and I need you to find my skin. You, the bearer of cortana, and the one with the memory. Without you it can’t be done. But you need to know what you can do, you need to open a gateway.’

‘How?’ Lucie asked.

‘It’s your power, not mine,’ Grace said. ‘Go figure it out. I need to get back before Tatiana realizes I am missing. They say when the witch wanted something, all she had to do was ask. So be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.’

[desbianherstory]

I don’t remember ever playing with dolls, although Barbie dolls were quite the rage then. Wearing skirts and dresses was always a struggle, and I used to fight with my mother when she wanted me to wear them. She could not understand why a 10-year-old was not interested in dolls or pretty frocks. I had short hair, loved stealing my brother’s clothes, wore flat shoes, and my aunts would say, ‘How unladylike.’ My brother would tease me and laugh when I was with my girlfriends; he called us ‘lesbians’ and ‘Sita aur Gita’. I would giggle right back, not understanding what his remarks meant. As I grew older, my attachment to women started bothering me. I started dating men; I would go out with them and sleep with them. I grew my hair and wore a salwar kameez every day. I wasn’t quite sure why I was doing all this; all I knew was that I did not want anyone to call me a ‘dyke’, a word that people would use quite often to tease me. Thankfully, this phase lasted only a year. But I regret my behaviour during this phase of my life; in fact, it has been my biggest regret. For instance, I did things like sleeping with men not because I was in love with them but because I was too afraid to see the truth: I was running away from myself.

I was 23 when I met my future partner, a client at my restaurant. The first time I met her, my heart raced, I was dizzy and I knew then that I had met my Waterloo. Soon after, I had to move to London for my work, while she continued to live in Delhi. I remember staying up every night aching for her. I did not know how to define what I felt for her; all I knew was that my phone bills nearly led me to bankruptcy! Finally, when we both mustered up enough courage to voice what we felt, it was like a dam of emotions had just burst open. I embraced what I felt, and found myself in a same-sex relationship. It was an unfamiliar sense of happiness, a sense of relief, a sense of freedom. We continued our long-distance relationship for three years. Then, I came back to Delhi to be with my beloved in 2000. And life changed. When I was living alone in London, we had the freedom to be ourselves with each other. Delhi, on the other hand, was a completely different story. Homosexuality was a criminal offence in India. We were not free to love each other. I always had to think if we were in a place safe enough to even hold hands. Could I call her ‘honey’ when we were in a store without getting any strange looks? I hoped that this reality would change in my lifetime, but it seemed impossible at the time.

Strangely, ‘lesbian’ has always been a dirty word. Our society is patriarchal and declaring yourself a lesbian is basically saying that you don’t need a man, and that goes against everything we have been taught. When my partner and I started living together in Delhi, we could hear a lot of whispering around us, well, behind our backs. I trained myself to rise above this. I was not going to let it bother me. But then came the time to face some practical problems, for example, when I took on a life insurance cover and wanted to name my partner as my beneficiary. I was not allowed to do that; only a spouse or blood relative could be a beneficiary, I was told. Then, we wanted to open a joint account for running our home but, oops, we couldn’t do that either. Over time, we owned many properties which belonged to us jointly, and ran our business together; yet, there were no clear methods to protect each other’s rights and assets. These were small issues that bothered me. Still, I was oblivious to the law and did not care about it; how did it matter to me? I was safe, living in my own world, where my friends and family accepted – and even celebrated – who I was.

In 2008, I was introduced to a group of lesbians by a friend. These women were involved in the first pride march in Delhi. They casually mentioned that it would be nice if I came and marched with them. A part of me wanted so badly to go, but another part of me was petrified. My partner was dead against it, but something in me just wanted to be a part of that march. I finally went with two straight friends, and loved it. Of course, the next day I was on the first page of the newspapers. Suddenly, all my colleagues at work looked at me differently. My partner was still not out, and she was very upset about her family and friends joining the dots. I had the media calling me – not to ask for my favourite recipe but to ask who I was sleeping with. I had never been closeted but, at the same time, I was not going around wearing a T-shirt saying: ‘I like women’. I was a chef who happened to be a lesbian, not a lesbian who happened to be a chef! I was stressed and upset; yet, at the same time, there was something in me that had woken up. I knew I had to do something, however small; I needed to do my bit.

In July 2009, the Delhi High Court passed a judgment decriminalising homosexuality. Suddenly, my restaurants were full of same-sex couples, no longer afraid. Between 2009 and 2013, I met more gay people than I had in my whole life, all was well, and over the next few years I forgot all about Section 377. In December 2013, however, the Supreme Court overruled the 2009 judgment. We were all criminals once again. All the happy same-sex couples who were out and about went deep into their closets once again. I was angry, helpless and frustrated.

One day in 2015, Menaka Guruswamy and I found ourselves on a flight back from Goa, and we started talking about Section 377. She suddenly asked me how I would feel about being a petitioner. I said yes right away, without giving it a second thought. I was very angry at that point in my life. On the one hand, I was being asked by the Government to come and receive various honours bestowed upon me for the work I was doing as a chef, and at the same time they were making me out to be a criminal. I felt terrible at this hypocritical charade. I could be arrested for just being me and wanting to love a woman. I could no longer sit on the fence – I really felt that I had to take a stand. My family and friends begged me not to do it. I turned to Ella, a dear friend – and now my partner – for advice. She was very blunt with me. ‘You have been moaning and complaining about the law in the country for years, and now that the time has come… Either you do something about it, or don’t ever complain again.’ My decision was made. I am many things, but a coward I am not.

The next two years were strange for me. I had a constant barrage of nasty messages being posted on my Twitter account. Until then, I was only used to getting fan mail. I had the word ‘lesbian’ sprayed on my car window, a stone was hurled at me, a man spat at me at the Delhi airport in front of everyone… I was no longer the darling chef of the country but the dirty lesbian who had the cheek to file this petition. Yes, there were times when I regretted my decision, when I wondered if I had acted foolishly. The strange part was that after a few agonising hours of self-doubt, I always arrived at the same answer: I had done the right thing by filing the petition, and if I didn’t do anything I had no right to complain, like Ella had said to me.

6 September 2018: It was 6 am in London – where I was on work – when the judgment was read out in the Supreme Court of India. I was stunned, shocked and so happy that my jaw started hurting. When I had decided to file this petition, I truly did not believe that I would see a change happening in my lifetime. And on this day, two years after filing the petition, history was finally being rewritten. I am not an activist and never wanted to be one; yet for me this was my life’s biggest accomplishment and nothing else in my life till then had ever given me this sense of pride.

Ritu Dalmia, excerpted from Sex and the Supreme Court, ed. Saurabh Kirpal

[faerielleart]

Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.

yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can

first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid

alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.

thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️

one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.

several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️

she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this

anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that

march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.

and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.

what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.

and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️

i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜