#at the very least it’s a fascinating look into the progress i’ve made in therapy lol

[bugdotpng]

it look me nearly 30 years but i’ve finally started doing things that make my life easier. incrementally, of course. i didn’t start doing all of this overnight. anyway, here’s some stuff i’ve learned:

i buy pre-washed/pre-cut fruits and veggies when i can so i’m more inclined to actually eat them (vs. having to wash/cut them beforehand)

also: frozen and canned fruits/veggies are good. if they fit with your lifestyle and get you to eat things that are good for you, do it

actually using the reminders app because i made it even easier for myself by adding a widget on my home screen (general rule: if you have a mental block to doing something, see if you can remove steps)

i keep notepads and sticky notes in every room in my house so i can write down things (usually groceries i need) as i remember them

i keep a bunch of plastic bags at the bottom of my bathroom and desk trash cans so i can replace them easily

i keep cleaning supplies in multiple, relevant places in my house so i’m more inclined to use them (i.e. carpet cleaner in my bedroom; sanitizer in my bathroom, etc.)

i place a bunch of small trash cans around my house where i tend to make more trash (laundry, desk, etc.) and i line them with grocery bags so i can take them out quickly when it’s trash day

my biggest organization tip (that doesn’t sound all that impressive, really) is making sure everything has a designated space. i use a lot of clear containers so i can see what’s inside and so everything has its own space, even in drawers or shelves

noise-canceling headphones are a godsend. doing laundry and dishes are excruciating and exhausting because they’re both too damn loud. i started wearing noise-cancelling headphones and i have so much energy afterward and i don’t lament the idea of having to put away my silverware lol also if i’m overstimulated from a long day of work, sometimes it’s nice to just not hear anything :^) it blew my mind how much shit my stupid brain was processing without me realizing

i have meds that are more effective if i take them at the same time every day so i set a repeating alarm to take them. that wasn’t always working so i started putting my meds in a daily pill organizer. i take them every day now because i don’t have to remove them from their various containers every time lol. every sunday i make a note to refill them for the week! and the individual days pop out so i can just grab the days i need if i’m spending a weekend away

i’ve tried to recognize where i’m imposing bizarre arbitrary rules that make my life harder. ex: for some reason i convinced myself i’m only allowed to do laundry on weekends and i’m not allowed to run small loads. that’s simply not true lol

in that vein: there is no rule that says you’re not allowed to sit down while cooking. my knees are much happier when i take a chair into the kitchen with me.

sometimes i get so depressed i struggle with hygiene. when i’m not feeling so shitty i try to stock up on things that’ll help me feel better during that time like dry shampoo, oil blotters and baby wipes.

i keep a little hygiene bag with my medical/emergency bag. it has hand lotion, chapstick, nail clippers, a small hairbrush and other things i might need to make myself more comfortable while i’m out and about (think: hangnails, chapped lips, dry skin, etc.)

i’ve struggled for a very long time with flossing because it’s awkward and difficult and sometimes painful. at the guidance of my dentist, i bought some individual flossers. still didn’t use them. wanna know why? the stupid plastic packaging was too loud. i took them all out and put them in a little glass jar so i can grab one super easy. sometimes i’ll even sit on the floor while i floss to give my knees a break.

there are literally no rules. do what you can to make things easier. there’s no one watching you, judging your every move and calling you lazy. and if anyone does call you lazy for trying to make things easier or even more comfortable, they’re not worth listening to. anyway i hope my ramble list helps at least one person lol

[arwenkenobi48]

The PDF That Saved My Life - Why I Love “All Tomorrows” With All My Heart

(Content Warning: Discussions of trauma, suicidal ideation and sexual abuse)

*clears throat* So, as some of you may be aware, the past few weeks haven’t been easy, not in the least. I was struggling with serious suicidal urges and feeling extreme anguish towards my own body and soul. I believed myself to be tainted, filthy and all manner of destructive and negative things.

The reason behind this breakdown was due to the realisation that I had experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times throughout my life, including an occasion last year in which I was groped by an immediate relative. I had been aware of the incident since it happened, but was in denial. I was thinking “It couldn’t have been that bad, right?” But after trying unsuccessfully to repress it, I had to face the facts that she did what she did. I was heartbroken and I’m still deeply saddened by the realisation. Everything just seemed to fall apart and I psychologically imploded, plummeting into a dark pit of worthlessness and childlike sorrow. I felt as if I had been thrown into a mental oubliette; just tossed away and forgotten about on every level. Whenever I wasn’t bawling my eyes out and grieving my lost innocence, I was stress-eating and lying in bed, feeling nothing. Every now and then, I’d receive a short burst of energy, but nothing substantial, and the feelings remained.

Despite all of that, though, I didn’t want to die. A small part of my mind wanted to hold on and ride out these waves of suicidal thoughts. But I also knew I shouldn’t have to be going through this cycle of building up and breaking down, so I finally managed to seek professional help. There’s another thing that also pushed me towards seeking help and eventually guided me out of this dark place, and that’s the work of science fiction I mentioned in the title. All Tomorrows by C. M. Koseman (I hope I’ve spelled that right).

I don’t remember exactly how I came across it, but I think it was the video by Alt Shift X on YouTube that did it. As you can imagine, my dark thoughts weren’t only directed towards myself, but the world at large. I was wondering how life could be so cruel as to let something so horrific happen to me. I saw the thumbnail of that video and I didn’t know what it was. I had vaguely heard of All Tomorrows, but was more familiar with the much more nihilistic Dougal Dixon book Man After Man, and as such I got the two confused. I clicked on the All Tomorrows video, barely paying much attention and dismissively thinking: “oh great another sci-fi dystopia that predicted humanity’s inevitable downfall”.

What that video showed me absolutely blew my mind. As I discovered C. M. Koseman’s intricate worldbuilding science fiction project, I became fascinated and enthralled by the journeys and evolutions of the various post-human species, from the fun-loving Satyriacs and the mellowed out Snake People, to the bloodthirsty Killer Folk and the horrifying Bone Crushers. Yes, many of the stories were very, very sad. The Mantelopes lost everything and devolved because intelligence was so painful. The Striders, Titans and Temptors were all wiped out before they had the chance to truly reach their full potential. The Qu and Gravitals, one could say, ruined everything. But what truly amazed me was the fact that many, many of these stories also contained great happiness.

The Colonials, for example, suffered through the kind of torture that I wouldn’t wish on the Devil himself. Being wedged together into a wall of flesh bricks, all while retaining intelligence. And yet, they managed to turn into the beautiful Modular People and create a utopian society. Yes, the Killer Folk are traditionally violent, but the ones that made the biggest progress were the ones that chose peace over war. The Satyriacs started off as the mindless Hedonists, but were able to use their intelligence to appreciate every moment of their joyful lives. The lowly Worms became the comfort-loving Snake People, always able to appreciate the little things in life. The flattened Lopsiders rose up from the ground and became the proud, tall Asymmetric People. The list goes on, but you get my point.

The point is, even though this future humanity went through the sort of Hell that makes the past few years look tame by comparison, they always managed to rise up. Sure, nothing was ever quite the same again, but they managed to make something new and wonderful out of that. When you cut an orange, you may not have a whole fruit anymore, but you have lots of slices that can be shared with everyone. The best thing you can do is move forward. The future will always hold something better for you, even if that seems impossible. Don’t be afraid to reach for it. The final quote of this incredible piece of sci-fi wiped away the remnants of dark still clinging to me: “Love today and seize all tomorrows.” To me, that meant “Be a kind soul and you can achieve anything.”

This entire story ignited a strong feeling of empathy within me; an emotion I thought I was too traumatised to ever properly feel or express again. I think that was the point. Sure, the many strange post-humans may not look like us, but we cannot deny that they are human and that brings out the best in us. We shouldn’t be afraid to show empathy for our fellow humans. Thinking lowly of what collectively proves to be our best quality, claiming we’re “above” it and aiming to become “bigger than” everything else deprives us of our humanity. Empathy, compassion, love, that’s what makes us truly powerful. If we can learn to love today, the utopian future we all dream of will finally be ours.

Love is something that, from an early age and for over half my life, I was never truly given. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give it to others. Just as the post-humans were able to move forward and rise from the ashes, I fully intend to do the same. I’m safe now. The people who hurt me are gone from my life and will never hurt me again. I’m surrounded by loving friends, in a city I love, attending a university I love, receiving the therapy I need to heal and soon to be medically transitioning too. Even though I still struggle to accept it, I’m learning to love myself as well. I think that’s the greatest love someone can ever feel. If I continue to love each today that comes, all the tomorrows will be brighter and brighter.

And to think this all started because of a PDF about the hypothetical future of humanity. I’m determined to hold on no matter what. Idk if C. M. Koseman uses tumblr or any other social media for that matter, but if he comes across this somehow, I just want to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here today without All Tomorrows.”

https://youtu.be/-WIk29qtrIo

(PS: I know I have stumbled and made mistakes on my platform as well. I’m still a little bit unsteady after being in such a dark mental state for so long. I’m sorry about that. I am doing better. Thank you all if you made it this far. I love and appreciate every single one of you.)

[fakeloveaskblog]

I do believe it would be for the best for you to have that nice day with Janus that you'd planned to have, Logan. Like you said, you shouldn't neglect your own wellbeing, and your emotional wellbeing looks like it could use the break.

(Words: 3431)

Logan let out a sigh "You're right. Worrying nonstop for Remy won't help them either way"

--

Two days later Janus had a devious smile on his lips as he sat in the passanger seat of Logan's car. His boyfriend had picked him up directly from his apartement. He hadn't said where they were going.

"Let me guess. You are taking me to the woods and surround me by your league of vampires so you can go through with your monthly blood sucking ritual” Janus guessed.

"Oh no dear. That I do with Patty the first thursday of every month" Logan replied druly.

His hands were shaking slightly as he held onto the steering wheel. Every time he looked over to his boyfriend all he could see was Remy passed out with the bruise all around their neck. He could hear every word they'd yelled. His throat tightened.

Logan hit the brake and the car slid to a stop. They were near a park. It was 9 pm and the sky had started to darken.

"We can- We can walk the rest of the way yes? Some fresh air has almost never hurt anyone and the cases where it has are very fascinating" He hoped it would distract him.

“Ah yes because I am so well known for enjoying long walks!” Jan replied sarcastically “Maybe I will if it’s with you”

Logan took out a bag from the backseat. Jan took his boyfriend's free hand and leaned his cheek against his shoulder as they went into the park.

"Is that the bag you're going to hide my body in?"

"I'm afraid the bag is too small for that"

Janus let out an incredibly dramatic gasp while gripping his chest "The rudeness!! Baffling rudeness!!!"

“Yes. I took you here to surprise you with my rudeness”

They went on a path lined with trees until they got to a hill. The trees all but surronded the hill. Aside from some teenagers playing music far away they seemed to be some of the only people in the park.

Once they got to the top Logan pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek “Close your eyes” He murmured into his ear.

His cheeks immediately turned bright red “Well darling since you will now most definitely murder me I am glad your face will be the last thing I see!”

He stood in blindness for at least 3 minutes. His chest was bubbling over with excitement. He didn’t even realize he was shimmying his shoulders to happy stim.

“Alright. My honeysnake you may open your eyes” Logan’s voice was also filled with excitement.

Janus let out a small gasp as he looked. Logan had laid out a star embroidered blanket and sat with his legs crossed on it. He held out a bottle of red wine, his boyfriend’s favorite kind of course. He’d brought several different pastries. Jam drops shaped like hearts, a lemon pie, strawberry bars, 2 cupcakes one with frosting made to look like a snake and one made to look like an owl.

“Oh....” Janus was speechless for a moment before getting a smug smirk on his lips “I see that you’re going in the route of poisoning me through romantic food”

“I am estimating that you will continue with that joke all night, yes?”

“Correct” 

Janus cuddled up to his side. Logan took his hand and pressed a kiss to the top of it before handing him a glass of wine. They clinked their glasses together. The stars had started to come out.

He inspected each and every dessert in an incredibly dramatic fashion before taking a strawberry bar. As soon as he took a bite his eyes went wide.

"Darling which overworked soccer mom did you rob these from???"

Logan triumphantly pointed at himself "This overworked soccer mom. I bake even more than on a regular basis when I am stressed, and I have been experiencing a lot of stress lately"

He held onto his hand harder "My boyfriend senses did go off before. Do you want to talk about it? Or shall I simply push whoever is causing you the stress down a flight of stairs?"

"Oh I wish you would throw him down many stairs" Logan mumbled to himself. ".....It is....quite alright dear. I want this night to be a sort of distraction...for now please dont ask about it"

"My lips are sealed then...but not for the food!"

They cuddled together, ate and drank while looking at the stars. There were no clouds out. No wind. It was like the universe had wanted them to have a good night.

Janus pointed at each and every star constellation he could make out and made an intentionally horrible guess on what it was so Logan could infodump. His eyes were glimmering as he explained it. He looked so beautiful Jan wanted to kiss him endleesly.

“Okay...so..Andromeda was your favorite right?” Janus asked. He had jam on his lips from the sweets (crofters obviously) “Which one is it?”

Logan leaned close to his side and laid his hand on his boyfriend’s chin to move his head to see it “Right there. It’s brightest star is alpha andromedea”

Janus nodded along “Darling what constellation do you think suits me best?”

His expression turned incredibly serious. This was a life or death answer! “Well Patty’s favorite is ursa major aka big bear but you hmmmm Lacerta is a quite obvious once since it’s a lizard...but I think Horologium fits you better"

"Honey all I heard there was you saying ancient latin to summon a demon"

"It’s a pendulum clock! It fits you since they’re mysterious and" He gazed into his boyfriends eyes "They're also very pretty to look at"

Janus let out a pff while shoving his hand in Logan’s face to make him look away "Dork" He chuckled out as his cheeks heated up.

"Oh yes that reminds me"

He pressed a quick kiss to Jan's nose before scrambling around in his bag. He took out a long yellow plush snake. It had a black hat and a red tounge sticking out.

"This was for some reason on my doorstep a few nights ago. It reminded me of you so I thought you should have it"

Janus looked at it with wide eyes "Wait"

He took out a big blue owl plushie from his bag. It had a tiny bow and square glasses. It was incredibly fluffy for an owl.

“This was by my door as well!”

“I am sure there is a logical explanation for this! I am also sure you deserve a snake present”

They switched the plushies. Janus held the snake plushie in his hands and looked down at it’s big kind eyes. He grimaced.

“Darling...I uh already have a snake at home...and  it’s totally not like that owl reminds me of you and I’ve already grown attached to having it in my bed and imagining it’s you or anything...totally not”

Logan let out a breathe of relief “Oh yes! Honey I have been hugging that snake as if it’s my second lung. So I technically don’t need it but it does help me live!”

Janus hugged the owl plushie close to his chest while Logan put the snake around his neck like a scarf. Lo looked over to his boyfriend and got a small smile on his face.

“But my sweet honeysnake you can....slither into my apartement and into my arms whenever the plushie isn’t enough” He moved his hand to his boyfriend’s chin and leaned in. 

Janus flinched away, for a moment there was fear in his eyes.

“I am very sorry” Logan said “I was not intending to kiss you on your lips. I am aware of your boundaries and will not do it until you tell me you’re ready. I was going for your cheek”

“Sorry” He hid his face in the owl’s soft fur so his boyfriend wouldn’t see his embarrassment “I’m sorry”

“There is no reason to apologize here but I will accept your aplogy nonetheless”

Logan gave his boyfriend some time to gather himself, he knew how easily overwhelmed he got. He munched on some of the leftover pie. Janus sunk in on himself. 

“Can I tell you something?” Janus quietly asked while fiddling with the owl’s wing to keep himself calm.

“Of course hun”

“...I contacted Picani..and I have been talking to him. It-it’s only been 3 or so sessions and they’re only like 15 or 30 minutes. It’s barely anything. But I’d thought I’d tell you”

He glanced back up to Logan and was taken aback by the big goofy grin on his lips. It was so unlike him.

“Janus that’s great!” He threw his arms around him and pulled him into a hug so sudden they both nearly tumbled over “I’m so proud of you!”

It took a moment before Janus took it in. He shone up into a smile and leaned into the hug. His nose pressed against the slope of his boyfriend’s neck and the plushies got crushed between them.

"You just sounded uncannily much like Patty" Jan chuckled out.

“I can accept that!” He took his boyfriend’s hand while stimming with the other “Is the therapy helping you progress emotionally? Of course it’s alright if you haven’t yet, asking for help is well enough”

Janus leaned away from him, just a bit so Logan’s arms were still around him but they weren’t pressed against each other. He looked away to the stars and bit the inside of his cheek.

“It’s doing wonders! I don’t have tentacles sprouting out of my back anymore” He tried to joke but it didn’t sound happy “..It is helping...genuinely..It’s just....I think my family might not have been the best. THey weren’t abusive! Not anywhere close! So I am unsure if they really were bad at all, even if Picani says so”

“Oh honey” Logan said it so very softly “They don’t have to have been abusive, or mean to treat you bad. If they hurt you they hurt you. That’s all that matters”

He nodded “Right....right. May I vent about it?”

“Of course”

He moved his hand through the owl’s fur to keep him calm “My mom would comment on what I ate constantly. Anything I ate was too much for her since I already looked disgusting-”

“You don’t. Objectivly so”

“I- I know. But I still think about it every time I eat. And I worry about eating around other people, what if they think I’m gross”

“Then they’re objectivly an asshole and I will kick my knee into their chin. Including your mother!” 

“Logan no!”

“Logan yes!”

Lo knew he had succeeded when Janus let up into a laugh. 

“Oh it was horrible” Janus continued through the last small chuckles “Every time she forced me to go buy clothes with her I would get panic attacks from what she said about my body and I always hid it because I was afraid of what she would say. And the one time she heard me literally sobbing in a dressing room all she said was that I was overreacting and to hurry up”

Logan was very quickly forgetting that the kicking in face thing was supposed to be a joke “Mhm yes that does indeed sound astronomically horrible yes”

Janus wiped his hand over his eye as if to rub memories away “It was....I thought so much of it was normal..I didn’t know-”

“You shouldn’t have had to think like that in the first place”

“I know....I know...They made me feel so much shame...Before I even knew...Just hearing my dad talk about...people like me on the tv made me feel shame before I even fathomed the idea that I could like men”

He let up into another laugh. The kind of laugh that came when he remembered something so bad the only thing he could do to not cry was to laugh.

“I- I’d never heard my mom say anything about it so I tried coming out to her” He chuckled “It didn’t go well! I used a youtube video because I couldn’t physically say the word gay. And then she outed me to my dad behind my back and never told me! I found out through my aunt!”

Logan was moving away from a knee kick and instead thinking of bringing a baseball bat.

“And- And I should have known because right after when- we were on vacation and my dad- I was 14 I think maybe it’s blurry- I-I saw two men hold hands in public and I’d never- I felt so happy- I wanted to run up to them- I couldn’t stop staring and then..and then my dad moved his arm around my shoulders and pointed at them and he looked into my eyes and his voice was so steady” Janus’ eyes had stopped moving, they were staring out into thin air as if he could see it happening again “He told me that what the men were doing was wrong. That We didn’t like that. That it was disgusting. And then he forced me to walk away”

Janus’ hand was shaking as he gripped onto the plushie to keep himself present. Logan gently took one of his hands and pressed a kiss to it.

“You shouldn’t have had to hear that, ever”

“It feels so good to finally tell someone” He sighed “Aside from Picani I’ve held that to myself for so so long....It’s...It’s been so many years. Shouldn’t I be over this. The shame has gotten a bit better...but it’s still there”

“Honey, For how long have you lived without being in contact with those...those wretched humans made out of boiled together pieces of maggot bones?” Logan asked in a straightforward tone.

“Around 14 months? I think? It’s all so blurry. Me before and after meeting you totally don’t feel like 2 different people or anything”

“Mhm. How many times have you gone to therapy?”

“3 times”

“No human being can be expected to recover from several years of trauma, because it is trauma, in such a short amount of time. Especially with such a small amount of professional help” Logan said in a very agressive but somehow also loving voice while smacking his hand to the top of his boyfriend’s head to pat him.

Janus looked at him. He looked at the way he was trying so hard to comfort him in his own lovely way. Looked around at the stars lighting up their date. Looked at the leftover food his boyfriend had spent time to make just to share between them, because he never saw him as disgusnting no matter what he ate.

He let up into a smile before leaning forward so his and Logan’s foreheads were pressing against each other. He intertwined their fingers. He felt his boyfriend’s breathe against his nose. 

Oh he was so alive. He was holding hands with his boyfriend and he was so alive.

“I love you” Janus murmured out.

Logan shone up into a soft smile “I love you too”

He cupped Janus’ cheeks and leaned even closer. Their eyes met so perfectly. Logan could see the stars mirroring in his boyfriend’s eyes, like a small galaxy.

“And honey- Janus, you’re not perfect because none of us are and you shouldn’t feel the need to be perfect, but there is not a goddamn part of you you should ever feel ashamed of”

A warm feeling filled Janus’ chest. He leaned forward and kissed Logan.

His boyfriend’s lips were so soft against his, he closed his eyes and melted into the kiss. For a moment he didn’t even realize what he’d done, all he could think about was Logan’s warm hands against his cheeks and his lips that tasted like strawberries and coffee.

BUT OH BOY THEN JANUS REALIZED WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING.

He practically flung away from Logan just as suddenly as he’d kissed him. His chest was rapidly heaving up and down as he gasped for breathe. He clasped his hand over his mouth.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t- I’m sorry- I should have asked you before- Sorry” 

Logan was tracing his fingers over his lips, as if he could barely even believe what had just happened “Honey dear sweetheart beloved you” He let out a small happy sound “I think I’ve made it quite clear I was Very ready for you kissing me whenever you wanted to”

“Oh- Oh okay. Phew”

“Your lips taste like crofters! This is amazing! A scientific miracle! I have to study your lips! In multiple ways!!”

Janus let up into a light laugh “Darling there was crofters in the jam drops you made. Of course I taste like crofters”

“hmm. Seems logical. Your lips are still from here on out classified as a scientific miracle either way”

“Can we...” Janus was full on grinning as he nervously asked “Can we kiss again? Please?”

Logan didn’t answer. He simply squeezed his boyfriend’s cheeks and kissed him. And kissed him. And kissed him. 

He kissed so hard they both tumbled over. Janus fell down on his back and Logan used his arms to not fall down on top of him. They looked at each other for a moment, cheeks flushed, lips red, eyes wide, and smiled.

Janus tugged at his boyfriend’s tie to pull him into another kiss. His hand was in his hair, the other on his lower back. His thigh was somewhere pressed against Logan’s ribs. All he could focus on was the feeling of his lips. It felt like electricity was going up and down through his body at hyper speed.

This wasn’t exactly Logan’s first rodeo so he noticed very quickly when Janus opened his eyes and started looking unsure. He quickly moved away and laid himself down beside him. His arm was laid out across his boyfriend’s chest and their hands were still intertwined.

“Sorry. This is totally not at all a lot to take in” Janus panted out “I only need a second and a spa bath to process it”

“That is alright dear” Logan was still grinning. His cheeks started to hurt from it. He let up into happy flaps “I have been waiting for this for approximately 12 months and I will have you know it was very worth the wait. You are a natural my love. The first time I kissed Patty I fell off a swing and broke my glasses immediately afterwards”

Janus giggled at his story. He clasped his mouth shut. The giggles sounded so unlike him. They were so light and loud, but he couldn’t stop giggling. It was like millions of small butterflies were finally leaving his stomach and were transforming right into giggles. 

They laughed together, their bodies pressed close together, as they looked up at the night sky. The tree tops outlined the galaxy above them.

“Darling it was a great night to take me star-gayzing” Janus chuckled out.

Logan stared at him as if he’d just thrown a watermelon into his eye “Was that a pun I heard?! I automatically despise you!”

“You love me! You said it!!” He giggled back.

“How do I keep ending up with pun makers. This is highly ridicolous!"

"Muhahaha. It is all in the plan deary!” Janus moved his arms around mysteriously “The great evil pun plan!"

“I’ll kiss you until you tell me all about it”

“Hard bargain, but I’ll surely manage”

Logan pouted while moving to press a kiss to his boyfriends collar bones. He kept littering kisses to his neck and cheek and nose until kissing him on the lips again.

He wished they weren’t in a public space so he could kiss his wonderful thighs, his stomach rolls, his shoulders, every stretch mark on his chest. So he could give him all the love he'd daydreamed about.

Janus looked at him with a sneaky grin and red cheeks "Would it be acceptable to try with tounge now?"

"Incredibly acceptabe"

He gently moved Janus so he sat on top of his hips. His hands were leaned on either side of Logan’s face. 

"Are you sure I’m not too heavy?" Janus mumbled out.

"Honey Patty is about the same size as you. I am Very used to having my pelvic crushed. In multiple ways"

Janus nodded and let up into a nervous smile. Logan moved his boyfriend’s head close and parced his lips. His hand rested against his cheek.

"You're beautiful. You're so incredibly beautiful" Logan murmured before brining him in for another kiss.

[daresplaining]

A Few Thoughts About the Current Run

    I feel like I ought to say a few things about my feelings on Zdarsky’s run, as of right now (August 2020, pre-Annual-- that may be important). I haven’t said much about this run, and I should admit that I actually stopped reading it for a while. At a certain point, I realized I was dreading the release of each preview, and took that as a sign that maybe I should take a break and just re-read some back issues instead. This is, above all, supposed to be fun; I never, ever want reading DD to feel like a chore.  

    That said, I am now caught up and feel ready to begin untangling exactly why this run is so distasteful to me. I’ve been fortunate to have other DD fans to chat with about this, which has helped me to pinpoint what my problems are... because on paper, this run seems like something I’d enjoy. Matt accidentally kills a guy; that’s always fun. Marco Checchetto is great. The story explores Daredevil’s relationship with the citizens of Hell’s Kitchen, which I love. Foggy helps Matt with an action-y Daredevil thing; that’s awesome. There are some very cool fights. Elektra is in it. Stilt-Man is (briefly) in it. It has all the trappings of an interesting narrative. But there is a giant hole in the middle of this run, and that hole is Matt Murdock-shaped and impossible to ignore.     

    I read Daredevil comics for a lot of things (anyone who’s been following me for the past few years might think I read Daredevil comics for Mike Murdock, and you may have a point there) but first and foremost, I read them for Matt. There is a lot that makes a good DD story great-- historically, the comic has featured great supporting casts, and that’s another problem with this run that I’ll get back to in a minute-- but Matt is always the anchor. One of the greatest strengths in Daredevil comes from the fact that the protagonist is such a compelling character. You are interested in what he’s doing. You want to follow his story. You enjoy being inside his head. I’m not saying that you can’t write a good Matt-free Daredevil story-- you definitely can. But if Matt is present and written poorly, the whole story will collapse around him, and that’s been my experience with Zdarsky’s run. Part of the reason I’ve taken so long to write this post is because I’ve been trying to figure out if my complaint comes from my own personal taste-- which is not a basis on which I can critique this comic-- or whether the problem is inherent in the work itself. Having discussed it with other people, I feel comfortable saying that I think the problem is in the writing. 

    Zdarsky’s Matt feels profoundly unfamiliar to me, and that in itself isn’t necessarily a problem, but I don’t find this new version of my favorite superhero interesting. I actually find him a little repellant. If this run had been my introduction to Daredevil, I would’ve said “Nope” and read something else. Matt is a character with depth. He is intensely multifaceted. His relationship to superheroing is complicated, his views on justice and morality are rich and often contradictory. Zdarsky somehow missed all of that and has crafted a one-dimensional character with a blatantly black-and-white sense of morality. Matt’s reaction to accidentally killing someone seems to be to decide that all superheroes are bad-- something I complained about at the beginning of the run and which, unfortunately, only grew more annoying as the story progressed. Zdarsky’s Matt is painfully self-righteous, to a degree that makes him extremely unlikeable (at least to me). And yes, Matt has been written as unlikeable before. I actually love when Matt behaves badly; I find that fascinating from a narrative perspective. But I’ve realized that the key reason that has been effective in the past is because the story has never condoned that behavior. When Matt was emotionally abusive toward Heather Glenn, Frank Miller went out of his way to show us-- via the side characters, via blatant expressions of Heather’s pain-- that Matt was in the wrong. When Matt was a jerk in Bendis’ and Brubaker’s runs, when he drove his friends away, when he acted irrationally and harmfully, the narrative commented on that jerkiness and irrationality. 

    But Zdarsky does not do that in his run. He presents Matt’s irrational and jerkish behavior without comment or nuance, as if it’s a perfectly normal, reasonable way for Matt to act under the circumstances, and I have been surprised to realize how distasteful I find that, and how bad it makes Matt look. There’s a difference between having a character who is comfortably flawed-- whose behavior you’re supposed to occasionally question-- and a character who is just unpleasant and unlikeable, seemingly by accident. In the most recent issue (#21), Matt has an extremely upsetting interaction with Spider-Man, one of his oldest friends, and Matt is positioned as heroic for behaving this way, and it made me feel a little ill, because there’s no textual examination or questioning of this behavior. It’s just Matt, pushing people away, being Angsty(TM) and Gritty(TM) and lone wolf-y just because, in a way that is grating and unpleasant and completely lacks nuance. 

    The other major element of Zdarsky’s characterization of Matt is religion. I’ve mentioned before (as have other DD fans before me) that Matt is not generally written as religious, and it’s a strange phenomenon that this characterization has appeared in multiple adaptations (the movie and the Netflix show) while having very little actual presence in the source material. But it was a key theme in the Netflix show, and while hopefully that influence will disappear from the comics as more time passes, we are still in a honeymoon phase wherein MCU elements are still popping up in the 616 universe. It’s clear that Zdarsky really liked the show, and Soule as well; I’m certainly not letting Soule off the hook here, because the idea of Matt being devoutly Christian showed up his run first. But there, you could get away from it if it wasn’t your thing (which, for me, it’s not). Soule had whole story arcs that didn’t mention it. But Zdarsky has made it 75% of Matt’s personality. When he isn’t fighting or sleeping with someone in this run, Matt is angsting about God. 

    I hesitate to complain about this because it’s Zdarsky’s right as a DD writer to change the protagonist however he likes. It’s frustrating, yes, but not actually a sign of bad writing per se. Plus, not everyone is me. Many people-- probably including many people who were fans of the Netflix show and are entering the comics via that connection (which seems to be the target audience for this run)-- may be religious and may connect to MCU/Zdarsky Matt in that way. And that’s wonderful. I want to be very clear: it’s not the religiousness itself that I’m complaining about. My complaint is this: if you’re going to drastically alter a character, you need to back it up. You need to dig into it, make that new personality element feel powerful and real, and integrate it into the character’s pre-existing personality. And if you’re going to base the entirety of that character’s emotional journey on that new trait, you need to work to make sure it’s accessible to your readership. I, as a non-religious person, have no sense of why Matt is so upset about God. I have no frame of reference for his pain, either from my own experiences or from previous Daredevil continuity, and Zdarsky does nothing to develop or explore the basis of Matt’s faith, and so it all just falls flat. I feel alienated by this run. I see an angsty, self-righteous, prickly jerk ranting about needing to do God’s will, and then I put the issue down and read some She-Hulk instead. If Zdarsky (or Soule-- again, he could have done this too) had made an effort to actually explore and explain Matt’s feelings about his religion, rather than lazily shoving that characterization in there and assuming readers will just accept it, it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much as it has. 

    Also, I feel I have to mention; this is a fantasy universe. Matt went to Hell and yelled at Mephisto in Nocenti’s run, and it was awesome. Maybe this is just me, but if you’re going to bring in religion, at least have some fun with it! Bookend Nocenti’s run: Matt goes to Heaven, runs into God, and she gives him some free therapy and a souvenir t-shirt (or, I don’t know, something). To give Zdarsky credit, he did at least hint at that sort of thing in Matt’s conversation with Reed Richards in #9. 

    I'm going to cut this post short, because I really don’t enjoy writing negative reviews. I’d much rather post about things I love, and over the next few weeks I do plan to highlight aspects of this run that I’ve enjoyed. But I’ll end by saying that the weaknesses in Matt’s characterization could have been mitigated by a great supporting cast. Having prominent secondary protagonists would have provided outside perspectives on Matt’s behavior and given the reader other characters to root for when he got too out-of-hand. They would have drawn out the human elements in Matt’s character and helped give him that nuance he so desperately needs. But this run, just like Soule’s before it, is woefully underpopulated. Foggy’s presence is extremely weak and his appearances far too infrequent. Apart from brief cameos in MacKay’s Man Without Fear mini, Kirsten McDuffie and Sam Chung have both vanished, and I’m worried that Kirsten might have joined Milla Donovan in the limbo of still-living-but-permanently-benched ex-love interests. The women in this run are all either villains or people for Matt to sleep with (I was pumped about Elektra’s return and the idea of her training Matt, but her characterization was disappointing (I may write a separate post about this), and Mindy Libris could have been really compelling as a moral person trying to survive life in a crime family, but instead she was just a one-note, underdeveloped victim for Matt to lust after). To Zdarsky’s credit, he has clearly been trying to give the Kingpin a humanizing story arc, but even that I haven’t found compelling enough to want to keep reading (though that could just be me). Cole North was intriguing at first, but he ended up feeling more like a concept than an actual person. And none of these characters engage with Matt on a human, emotional level, which is what a good supporting cast needs to do. I commented early-on that this run felt like all flash and no bang (Is that a term? It is now.) and I think I still stand by that-- it’s all bombastic plot concepts and big ideas without any of the actual development or nuance necessary to make them work. There is nothing in this run that has pulled me in and held my interest; in the absence of a Matt I can connect to, I need something, and so far I haven’t found it. 

    I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. This run was nominated for an Eisner for best ongoing series, so apparently someone likes it, but it has become clear that-- so far, anyway-- it’s just not right for me.  

[modestlyabsurd]

Humble Beginnings (Loki x Reader)

Being taller than most, it's a different view. Physically looking down at people varies a bit from doing so in a smug manner. Especially when the mind is now absorbing things in a new way; or at least, it's attempting to.

The people all look different from each other, and yet similar at the same time. Suppose that could be just because it's only an assessment from a few seconds observation of each individual. The loud, overestimulating environment doesn't help either. The propogandic billboards, buses with advertisements obnoxiously splattered across them, and speaking of obnoxious.

These humans and their phones.

It's clear, some of the differences. No skin tone is exactly the same. Hair tends to vary nearly as much, ranging from long to short to naught, from straight to curly, in any color imaginable. Part lines in scalps are fascinating. The curvature of noses is also quite interesting from such a perspective. But one thing seems to remain the same, and that is the amount of hands holding cellphones.

It's unnerving.

To think that the idea of being ruled was so outlandish, all whilst they are unknowingly being ruled already - by something far less benevolent than me.

His thoughts go to that dark place for a split second. He spares himself a smirk, before remembering. That was wrong of him.

He regrets it. And not just because "that's what the doctor said", but genuinely. If Loki could go back in time and pull some strings, he would undo many of his actions. But the doctor also reminds him regularly that he was not himself at that time. That he was mind controlled, which bothers him even more. How weak he must have been to have fallen under such influence.

But that is in the past, and cannot be changed. However he has control over himself now; he can change the present as well as the future.

As much as he damn well hates to admit it, the therapy is working.

Assigned by Stark himself, Loki's therapist has now given him more freedoms on Earth - at the cost of his progress, of course. Apparently he's been doing exceptionally well, since he's now allowed to walk and roam the streets of New York City unsupervised.

(For two hours a day, in a nine block radius, with all six Avengers ready if he were to pull anything suspicious.)

So far he's gone and snuck in to see a film in the movie theater once - a strange animation revolving around talking fish who are prone to misplacing one another - he's browsed the two bookstores within the radius, conjured roses and left them for street performers playing their music, and spent a great deal of time in a particular coffee shop.

... It's been nicer than he thought it would be.

Even now, as men and women who are on important phone calls or simply aren't paying attention carelessly collide into him, he's enjoying himself. The weather is beginning to chill more and more each day, and on this young evening the sky is a cloudy silver. He's been hoping for a storm.

His feet are carrying him down a certain sidewalk. Confident, secure steps. He fiddles with the pocket watch in his warm, faux leather jacket pocket. Embossed in the cover is the letter S, for Stark Industries. Embedded in the gears is a tracking device. Understandable, he admits, running his thumb over the watch. He knows himself better than anyone. Which isn't saying much.

Attaining that elusive balance is the most difficult for Loki. The balance within only him, of self-trust, and the lack of such. Most beings have moral compasses which guide them in the right direction through life. Loki's decided that he has a moral pendulum that swings wherever the wind blows it. A weakness, without question, that will be his downfall one day.

"Unless you become the wind."

He'd argued that with the doctor. Things never go exactly as you plan them. Life's wind tends to blow a bit harder.

"Then you become a rock, a boulder, a shield to your pendulum. Unmovable against the wind."

Easier said than done. But doable nonetheless, he supposed.

His ever-descending thoughts are interrupted by the rich, seductive smell of coffee. He can suddenly feel his heart beating as he sees the caramel brown walls through large storefront windows. The view gets larger and he sees the charming wall artwork of a cappuccino with intricate designs in the cream. He thumbs the pocket watch.

A customer hurries through the door, a warm drink in hand, leaving the coffee shop empty. He clicks the silver watch open. 7:42. It's nearing closing time for the shop.

Hidden behind the neon "open" sign, he steps along the sidewalk, peering in from the darkening cold outside. And there you are.

His heart races - it practically soars.

Wiping down the countertops and tabletops, erasing the daily specials from the chalkboards, sweeping strands of hair out of your face along the way. Focused. Hard-working ... yet elegant. Beautiful.

You're headed toward the back of the shop and when Loki loses sight of you, he swallows down his nerves and strides in.

The charming little entrance bell resurfaces his unexplainable anxiety. It was loud and it got your attention. He had to think fast. But no matter - he had a plan of action ready long before, thanks to a close connection. A friend, perhaps.

Loki's jaw drops briefly as you reappear behind the sales counter, but he smoothly recovers with a Cheshire smile, "Hello Y/N."

You're re-tying the brown apron around your waist when his voice suddenly catches you very off guard. "Hi," you all but sputter.

Oh goodness, you scold yourself. If only you could somehow prepare for Loki's visits in advance. He drops in at the most inconvenient times as far as your appearance goes - you'd like to not have flour all over you, coffee stains on your clothes, and maybe do something more with your hair. But with Loki ... you'll take whatever you can get. Especially since you can't seem to form a complete sentence when he's around anyway.

He has eyes that could take you on an infinite trip throughout the entire universe. And he tends to keep steady eye contact. It's intense. It makes you physically squirm.

Much like now, when you suddenly notice how nice he looks tonight. You wished there was somewhere to divert your attention such as other customers, but it's almost eight. No one wants coffee at this time.

Except for Loki, who has his full attention on you. A dark pink dusting his smiling cheeks.

"What're you doing here?" you found a voice. "It's getting late."

You begin clearing out what's left of the muffins and cookies from the display case directly beside the sales counter, pulling each one out and placing them in a container. Loki watches your movements as well as your face, desperate for a longer look into your eyes.

"Well," he chuckles nervously, "I was just heading back from seeing another film in the cinema - I can't remember the title at the moment ... Something about a lowly peasant who discovers a strange genie and together they must save a princess and her kingdom, while the peasant subsequently wins the princess's heart in the process."

You suppress a smile. "Aladdin?"

"Yes! That's it. I quite enjoyed it, really. Although the genie and his, eh ... sense of humor took a bit of time to tolerate. I think having someone accompanying me to interpret it would've perhaps made it easier."

You've yet to stop cleaning since he came in. This is harder than he expected.

Collecting himself, he steadily asks, "Is the kitchen still open for service?"

You glance at the clock on the wall, with a quintessential coffee cup in the middle of it. "For the next fifteen minutes, yes. What can I get for you?"

Before he can get a still glimpse of you for more than a second, you're heading for the kitchen. The sound of running water indicates that you're washing your hands.

Left to himself, he speaks over the sound toward the kitchen, "Would a couple of cookies and a hot chocolate be too much?"

"Absolutely not," you bubbled back.

A familiar song plays softly throughout the coffee shop as Loki notices. He's heard it before, the man singing with poetic but very, very Midgardian lyrics, accompanied by almost lullaby-like music. And then he hears another voice singing the words - only it's not reverberating through the speakers but humming gently from your mouth.

Loki finds himself watching you once again. You pour thick, steaming hot chocolate into a cup with careful hands, while singing this lovely tune playing. He's mesmerized. Confused, definitely, as to why he's so mesmerized. And why he's been mesmerized ever since he first saw you and learned your name. Why he cares so much about you, why he longs to see you when he's not around. Even if only in small-talking, short lived increments.

"Must be something in the drinks."

"Hm?" you stop singing suddenly.

Loki nearly implodes. Thankfully he's a quick thinker.

"I was just trying to remember - what is this song that's playing?"

"It's called Scar Tissue by The Red Hot Chili Peppers."

He'll remember that.

"Ah. Thank you, I - " he laughs, "the names of certain things have been eluding me as of late. For a moment I thought it could be something in these drinks of yours."

You grin. You grin!

Loki's mouth goes dry. He takes a sip of his hot chocolate after you set it on the counter for him, unable to look away from you.

The taste of chocolate coats his mouth, the smell fills his nose. You glance up at him with that grin - for a split second - before turning away. Gods, he thinks. How beautiful you are.

"It's probably just the time change," he changes the subject. Fills the silence. "I've read that the changing of the seasons can largely affect many aspects of one's everyday life. Like their sleeping patterns, their cravings, their memory. I've read that some can even react to the change in temperature, as well, did you know that?"

You shake your head, wrapping the last two chocolate chip cookies of the night in some wax paper and placing it on the counter.

"Y'know, the nights seem to have gotten darker as well. I could walk you home if you'd like."

You pause involuntarily. How can the mere idea of something make your heart skip ten beats? Shouldn't that kill you?

"No," you declined, "that's okay. I appreciate it."

"Yeah. Anytime."

Loki's watch vibrates in his pocket. He reaches for it, discreetly disabling the alarm that told him it was eight o'clock. Exactly two hours since he left the compound, giving him exactly ten minutes to arrive back before a small army tracks and descends upon him.

A deflated balloon comes to mind.

"Well," he replaces his watch, "at least be sure that you use precaution out there. It's cold, and dark, and the perfect time for monsters to be out."

You nod. A piece of hair falls into your face and Loki has the strong urge to brush it behind your ear. So strong that his fingers twitch.

He picks up his cookie and hot chocolate to fix the problem when he remembers a key part of the transaction - the actual transaction. "Oh! I need to purchase this - "

"Don't worry about it. It's on the house."

He freezes mid-search for some money in his pocket. You're looking him straight in the eye with pure ... purity. He takes you in, drinks you up. Your voice, the apples of your cheeks, your smallness compared to him. Tingles spread throughout his chest and he learns that that is one of the most pleasant sensations he's ever felt.

"That's very kind. In that case ... " he pushes one of the untouched cookies still on the counter toward you.

You look down at his thin, pale hand.

"For you."

A premature scolding lodges in your throat as he's heading out the door. But before he exits into the autumn cold, he turns on his heel and smiles at you. "Goodnight, Y/N."

"Goodnight, Loki."

~

tag list: @arttasticgreatnessoftheawesome77 @afinedilemma @fire-in-her-veinz @belladonnabarnes @drakesfiance @internetgremlin @dragon-chica @triggeredpossum

[razberryyum]

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The Untamed/陈情令 Rewatch, Episode 9, Part 1 of 2

(spoilers for everything MDZS/Untamed)

[covers MDZS chapters 28 and 29…kinda…well, the Yue Yang Chang sect murders was introduced in those chapters, but it is different from how the show presented it]

WangXian meter: 🐰🐰+🐰🐰🐰🐰+🐰+🐰🐰🐰🐰 +🐰🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰🐰+🐰+🐰+🐰+🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰+🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰+ 🐰🐰🐰

(so I decided to come up with a more organized way of scoring on the WangXian meter cuz I was starting to confuse myself: for every scene they’re in together or if they’re even thinking about each other, one 🐰 is automatically given; one scene can earn up to 5 🐰, depending on the intensity of their interaction or thoughts of each other. And I’m gonna separate each individual scene with “+”. I didn’t mean for the grading to be an exact science but I think making it less arbitrary is definitely better…at least for my poor dumb brain)

I have a couple of favorite WangXian scenes from this episode, the one above is the first of them. When Wei Ying defends Lan Zhan from Jiang Cheng, I love how the camera then lingers deliberately on Lan Zhan’s reaction for just a second more; I swear if Lan Zhan was the blushing type, that would’ve been the moment for him to turn red like a tomato. That reassuring smile Wei Ying flashes at him could probably melt all the glaciers in the world and drown our planet, how can any mere human being resist that? That small beam of absolute sunshine had to have made Lan Zhan’s knees go just a little weak and his stomach do a tiny flip flop. It’s moments like this that make me marvel all over again at how perfectly cast Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo are in their roles: XZ with his dazzling megawatt smile and WYB with his beautifully nuanced stoicism are truly Wei Ying and Lan Zhan come to life. Even though I was already attached to their performances by this point, I wasn’t truly able to appreciate just how great and perfect they were as the embodiment of their characters until after I read the novel, and now I’m just in awe all the time as I watch them on screen.  

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan’s little yin metals expedition is really the gift that keeps on giving: despite having to deal with a few (lovable) third wheelers hanging around them, they were still able to further strengthen their bond. I think this is clearly as evident by simple little moments like how often they looked at each other for affirmation. What’s amazing about that is Lan Zhan basically went from refusing to spare Wei Ying a glance even when he was outright clamoring for attention to constantly training his eyes on Wei Ying at every turn. I really can’t get over how effectively Team CQL was able to show the progression in their relationship and Lan Zhan’s feelings towards Wei Ying by just showing these minor differences in the way they interact from before. Watching the change in Lan Zhan is of course the most fascinating aspect of this early part of their relationship because you can track how he’s clearly being overcome by the force of nature that is Wei Ying. I especially enjoy seeing the way he gets perturbed and maybe even jealous by the intimate way Wei Ying interacts with others. Take this moment when Wei Ying is offering protection to Nie Huaisang:

The way Lan Zhan’s eyes focused on the way Wei Ying was holding onto NHS’ arm and that resulting sour look on his face really says it all. And then, shortly after when they left the cave, as Wei Ying was trying to assure NHS, Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing that they were protected in the magical net he created, I actually guffawed when Lan Zhan could be seen just walking off behind him, as if he’d had enough since he just finished watching Wei Ying being rather familiar with Wen Qing.

And then when they were in the forest trying to hunt down Wen Chao’s owl, it’s almost as if Lan Zhan’s disgruntled mood stayed with him since even though they were in close proximity, when Wei Ying started calling out his name, he refused to answer. First time I watched that scene I remember thinking, wtf’s wrong with Lan Zhan, why won’t he just respond to the poor guy who’s obviously worried he lost him in the fog? But now I feel it was a deliberate choice to indicate that Lan Zhan was annoyed at him.  

Because Lan Zhan is not the type of person to be open and friendly with everyone, I really do feel now that it probably did bother him a lot that Wei Ying was a complete opposite to him in that sense, and as he watched Wei Ying carelessly be equally and almost selflessly kind to everyone around him, his frustration with that aspect of his personality gradually built up over time, culminating in what he later says to Wei Ying about Mian Mian while they’re in the Xuanwu cave. I can easily imagine Lan Zhan thinking, if he’s like this to everyone, does that make the way he treats me meaningless? It’s a really sobering thought especially from Lan Zhan’s point of view, but it also justifies why he still ran cold from time to time when dealing with Wei Ying because he was probably holding himself in check, constantly reminding himself that he’s just the same as anyone else in Wei Ying’s life, so he shouldn’t get his hopes up. Thinking about how much inner turmoil Lan Zhan put himself through even before Wei Ying’s death as he tried to grapple with his budding feelings for Wei Ying always makes me feel a little weepy because of how much my heart aches for him. It really makes me so grateful that at least he had Big Brother Xichen to talk to, which also makes me love big bro more for being so understanding and encouraging.  The alternative would have just been too unbearably sad.  

Ugh, and now I just made myself sad for no good reason. Seriously, on a daily basis, I actually get into a near weepy state for WangXian at least once when I think of all the suffering they had to go through before they finally got their happy ending. If MXTX-laozi’s other novels are going to do the same thing to me as MDZS/Untamed has, I probably need to start saving money to seek professional therapy once I’m done reading Heaven Official’s Blessing and Scum Villain (and I’m desperately trying to carve out time to read them soon).  

Anyway, back to this episode: I have a soft spot for seeing my OTP standing back to back in a scene since I think it’s a very effective and sweet way to convey their support and solidarity with each other, nothing says “we are in this together” than two people having each others’ backs, so seeing their stance in the forest really warmed my heart.

I also loved that they eventually teamed up to fight against Wen Chao’s forces. It would not be the first time they fight together, but it is one of the few times that Wei Ying gets to do so with his sword. I think the next instance of that happening is the Xuanwu cave before it’s all over and he is only able to use his flute, so I really treasure moments like this now, especially since they have such pretty moves.  

Every time Lan Zahn and Wei Ying fight with their swords it looks like they’re dancing. I love how Team CQL always makes sure to choreograph in ballet twirls into their fight sequences, even when it’s not quite necessary, such as this moment back in the cave when the two of them twirled away to get away from the ghost puppets:

A BIT on the dramatic side, but hey, I’m not gonna complain when Lan Zhan and Wei Ying looks so damn good doing their twirls.  

WeiQing Watch 2019

I said I was going to keep track of the WeiQing love story that Team CQL was going for way back before MDZS fans thankfully put a kibosh on their plans: here’s one such moment that I think can serve as evidence that they might have been cooking something up between Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing. It’s not just that Wei Ying was holding on to Wen Qing’s wrist for a longer time than necessary—Wei Ying’s a touchy-feely guy, he grabs on to everyone anyway—it’s Wen Qing’s reaction to what he did that gave me pause: she in turn holds on to her wrist in the exact spot where his hand was for a longer time than necessary. I’ve watched enough Chinese dramas to know that that is usually an indication that feelings are being stirred up from physical contact. Wei Ying’s awkwardness at realizing what he was doing was interesting too, it’s as if he suddenly remembered Wen Qing’s a girl. Since I do believe that Team CQL did end up keeping the aspect of Wen Qing’s characterization where she is in love with Wei Ying—there’s  no other logical explanation for some of Wen Qing’s reactions to Wei Ying otherwise—I think this moment might have served as the catalyst for the feelings she develops for him. It was already obvious that she was concerned for Wei Ying before this: she not only tipped off Jiang Cheng to his whereabouts but then she also joined in on the rescue herself, despite knowing what consequences she may face. I know her explanation for her generosity was because Wei Ying saved Wen Ning’s life and this was her way of paying back that favor, but it’s really a hollow excuse considering the larger predicament she was essentially putting herself, Wen Ning AND her clan in: she had to know she was endangering all her loved ones’ lives by helping Wei Ying.  I know she saved Lan Zhan and Nie Huaisang as well but based on her later actions, I think at the end of the day, her concern really was more for Wei Ying. Much like Lan Zhan, Wen Qing was already starting to fall for Wei Ying, and really, who can blame her?

To be Continued in Part 2...(posted)

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

**Contains spoilers for Baghdad Waltz up to chapter 36 and the movie Soldier’s Girl (noted below); CW for some general discussion on the subject of writing about childhood sexual abuse**

Hello everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been so neglectful of my inbox and slow to answer Ao3 comments lately :(  I have so, so many wonderful asks here, and I want to push out a few batches of answers in the next couple of weeks. I’m a little over 2/3 of the way through Chapter 37 of BW, which will probably be hovering around the 20k word count. But Bucky and Steve will be having their first therapy session! With Claire Temple! And it’s going to be… Well, it’s Bucky and Steve, so stay tuned.

You are too kind, and I’m actually bummed that BW has changed people’s enjoyment of other fics, because this is not the first time I’ve heard this, and it’s certainly not my intent. I’m glad you enjoy the minor characters here, because they have been very fun to create. I have loads of backstory that will never see the light of day, and I adore them so much. As to the second part, I’m reading this as your wondering a couple things: 1) perhaps questioning Steve’s level of devotion to Bucky (or just marveling at it, if this is a rhetorical question), and 2) perhaps also questioning Thor’s assessment that Bucky is the guy you fuck, not the guy you settle down with.

In terms of Steve’s love, some would say that Steve is clearly devoted because Bucky is a very hard person to be in a relationship with, and the fact that he’s still even around is a sign of his devotion. Others would say that he hasn’t done enough to show how much he loves him, that he should do more, because Bucky is suffering so much and needs a lot of support now. We all have our own interpretations of what “enough” is, and I see this a lot in the comments section of BW. I appreciate multiple perspectives on this, and I think we all come at this from our own experiences on one side or the other of relationships like this. I think readers tend to fall on the side of one character or the other, and the Bucky people might err on the side of believing that Steve is not doing enough (or doing the wrong things) and the Steve people might err on the side that Bucky, although clearly suffering, is not considering the ways in which Steve is devoted and the ways in which he hurts Steve. I love both of these characters and am not overly devoted to either, so I see both of their perspectives and aim to write from both sides.

As for Bucky being too “wild” and not being the kind you marry/settle with, I don’t know if we can really trust Thor’s assessment of this situation. He didn’t know Bucky for long, and the time he knew him was at a time when Bucky was pretty low in personal insight. Although Bucky has proven himself adept at committing to an arduous career and excelling greatly, Bucky still does struggle to commit in relationships. But to say that he’s “wild” could be a bit of a misnomer. Pan the camera one way, and he looks like a fun and wild party guy who loves to drink and fuck and has a charismatic, wild personality that is irresistible. Pan the camera the other way and you’ve got someone who’s desperately trying to manage his emotions with alcohol and sex and sometimes can’t, a guy who is essentially “wild and charismatic” because he has trouble with emotional and interpersonal regulation due an extensive history of trauma.  As he works to uncover and confront his history, we will have to see how things unfold and whether he commits to engaging with care for himself after his rift with Scott.

I hope this addresses your Ask!

I have had a good deal of interaction with the military system in my life through various channels and have also done a LOT of research. For every military-heavy chapter, I look over a ton of regulations (even weapons manuals - fun!), talk to Army veteran friends and associates who are very generous with their time, watch documentaries, scour the internet for hours and hours and HOURS and just do… a lot. Which is part of why this fic is so slow to come out.

I just want to say thank you for this. I don’t know if this comment still holds for you, because I received it between chapters 35 and 36, but this is one of the things that I feel the absolute most anxiety about when I post this fic. The last thing I want to do is write anything that is going to be exploitative, especially since I know how many people in the general population have experienced childhood sexual abuse. I agonize over how much detail to include, because I don’t want to include unnecessary details just for shock value. However, I also don’t want to avoid the content if it’s part of the character’s internal experience. In chapter 36, for example, it was important for me to convey what it was like for Bucky to experience an intrusive memory of his abuse, because that is consistent with how I write the internal experiences of my characters. It’s part of my style and part of why people read BW, I think. To back away now because it contains this kind of content would be a disservice to the character and his experience, because this is important to his life and the person he’s become.

But I also don’t want it to just be an opportunity for readers to be like ohhhhh all the DETAILS WOWWW. So with everything that I write, I strive to think - what is the purpose of what I’m including? Is this consistent with the way a network of traumatic memories would operate? What’s the cue in the environment that would light this up? If the purpose is character development or plot progression, I can justify including the details. In chapter 36, for example, it was important for us to see that Bucky is allowing himself to remember his past, that it’s dysregulating him, which lead to his rift with Scott and his relapse. All character and plot points. But if it’s just for funsies or for some Jerry Springer-style reveal to shock the readers, or anything even close to that, I would try my hardest to screen for that. As for creating an arbitrary tragic backstory for some other character to heal, I can see how that would be a tempting thing to do for a writer. Although this is a part of Bucky’s history, and although there could be times when he feels like it defines him, challenging that may also be part of his journey. And I’m sure Steve would love if he could heal Bucky with the power of his love (or cock magic) alone. If only.

Thanks so much for this.

This is a good question. As you’ve seen, people certainly can have profound functional impairment when their symptoms come to a head, to the point where hospitalization is sometimes the best option. Bucky has made great strides in his recovery and has accumulated a lot of skills from AA and DBT that he didn’t have before, even with a meltdown and a relapse thrown in there. I know it’s sometimes really hard to see how far he’s come, but he’s traveled lightyears from overdosing at the Holiday Inn on Long Island.

That being said, this reaction isn’t extremely promising, given the implication that these are just the first real burbles of his traumatic past rising to the surface. I’d say a few things could happen as more of this starts to emerge.

1) He could do as you say, decompensate, have a lot of trouble functioning in his daily life, maybe go into some sort of partial hospitalization or inpatient hospitalization. This option would allow him to be in a  controlled environment, the kind of place where he might be able to manage this stuff without other demands getting in the way.

2)  He could rely very heavily on coping skills and social supports to manage this stuff as it comes up, and maybe it doesn’t overtake him completely. This would be extremely challenging because it would require him to reach out for help and accept it.

3) He could find some way to stop this process altogether by resuming drinking or some other maladaptive coping behavior. This would be very tempting for him, especially as things get exponentially more difficult.

Importantly, Bucky is still the same person as he was before, in terms of the primary effects his traumatic history has had on his life. What’s really in question here is his ability to face his memories and the truth of his own experience, which he can’t run from anymore because his old compartmentalization and avoidance strategies are falling apart. I think a lot will depend on whether he continues to make himself an island or whether he lets others close to him to support and assist him in this process. So much of the latter depends on trust and his sense of personal and emotional safety, which have been deeply shaken by his experiences. This makes everything so much more challenging. We’ll have to see how it all unfolds!

Thanks for the Ask!

**CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE**

UGH. Okay, I rented this DVD from Netflix when I got this Ask, because I thought, hey, why not… and then it sat on my shelf unwatched for about seven weeks. Netflix probably thought I just kept it. Obviously I have a pretty thick skin, given the shit I write about, but I was dreading watching it. The sleeve gives the plot away, so I knew what was coming, but God, kill me.

I died over a lot of the military inaccuracies, but it’s a TV movie, so it kind of gets a pass I guess. And it took place at Fort Campbell, Bucky’s least favorite place on Earth! This movie is also a creature of its time, which was fascinating in itself - a cis man playing a trans woman (megasigh, although admirably well), the commentary after from people on an active DADT policy still in effect, which was incredible. It seems so ridiculous to me now that it was ever in effect, especially when I recall the arguments against allowing open service for LGBQ folks (“but they’ll look at my butt in the showers!!”), and I wonder what kind of world we would have if Bill Clinton had gotten his way when he was elected and didn’t have to compromise with DADT.

It was very interesting to hear Barry’s sexuality being questioned so much because he was in love with a trans woman. The film makers talked about him “discovering something about his sexuality” because he was in this sexual relationship with her — like what? There was a lot of implication throughout the film and special features that trans women aren’t real women. And perhaps some of this stuff speaks to some level of sexual flexibility that might be present in someone who’s happy to give oral sex to a woman with a penis etc., so okay, I can buy that perhaps. But a small amount of flexibility is not necessary sexual confusion or radical sexual discovery, and it’s certainly not gayness or a sign that he’s not straight (though he may have been somewhere else on the sexuality spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with having romantic/sexual feelings for a trans woman). But there was an odd cissexist/transphobic thread that ran through the whole film, even though the actors and production team were clearly very enthusiastic about the story and sensitive to the characters. And Barry’s mother was straight up like “maybe they were just friends, who knows.” [sigh] I dunno.

But to the point of what actually happened to Barry - God. That was rough. It reminds me of kids who are bullied for being gay perhaps because they’re not masculine enough, etc. and end up killing themselves, even though they’re not gay. His death was brutal and shocking and horrible, and it gave me kind of a “Boys Don’t Cry” feel for me, but in reverse? If that makes any sense. The way he was ostracized by his peers made me sad, especially when he was working so hard to integrate into his unit, and it reminded me of all of the people who were victims of the witch hunts prior to DADT and even after, how lonely that must have been, how devastating to one’s career and connections to their military family. It’s one of the reasons Bucky tried so hard to appear either extremely occupied or extremely straight. But overall, I thought the movie did a good job of making this a love story and not fetishizing Calpernia’s trans-ness, and I thought it was pretty balanced and nuanced for a 2003 movie trying to tackle this subject matter. I’m glad I watched this, even though the end was awful. I think I left feeling kind of good about the love story, imperfectly told as it was. 

Thanks for the rec!

**END SPOILERS**

Oh god, I am so bad about Tumblr and everything else. I’m sorry for being so bad at all the tasks of maintaining a presence on social media etc. and yeah. I feel bad about it. I’m basically a social media renunciate in my personal life (my job is YOU NEED A LINKEDIN and I am cry), so it’s really not a habit in my fandom life. Thank you for your support (and the EG dig <3), and I’ll keep plugging away!

Please, please no worries!! I didn’t take it like that. I just want people to know that I’m working really hard and would get these out to you so much faster if I could. I know you’re all waiting and I wish I could deliver faster, but alas, adulthood. And I want these chapters to be as good as I can make them and sometimes writing is just really fucking hard, especially when your characters are falling apart. I do love them and telling this story and sharing it with all of you, so thank you for being awesome <3 

I will have more “You Asked” soon! Thank you so much for dropping me these messages. I am thrilled to get them, and I promise I will get to them all.

[stevie-writes-the-pain-away]

Alcoholics Anonymous - Chapter Two

      His name was Murdoc.

       "I'm not here willingly, I won't speak willingly. I was told I didn't have to say anything as long as I listened, and I plan on doing exactly that."

       He was 49 years old that Spring.

       "You don't have to speak if you don't want to, Murdoc, there are people here who feel the same way. I just figured a little encouragement wouldn't hurt, huh?"

      And just as secretive as I was minus the aggression.

       "Great. Then I'll politely decline."

       He was just as stubborn as I could be as well, which made up for the large difference in emotions we chose to express.

       Defeated, Phoebe sighed and moved onward to the man who sat next to him. I found Murdoc’s behaviour and humour absolutely hilarious and inevitably interesting. I hadn't laughed as much those past weeks he'd been attending the program in years. Every night I go to bed and keep myself up remembering his wise remarks and creative responses he had for the counsellor or other attendees. Nothing negative, just entertaining and unique perks about him making the whole therapy process more enjoyable. He didn't make dark jokes about alcohol but little puns here and there to make people smile. At the beginning of the session he warmed up his attitude and by the end, he'd brightened everybody's day. His changes in moods fascinated me, too. He wasn't always that strangely happy guy people were met with first. He was the clown of the session until he was meant to talk about his issues, then he'd get a little grouchy and agitated. That was understandable, so I tried not to think about it so much and make a big deal about him for acting in a very natural way like I'm doing right now. I found it tough to avoid however, naturally wondering what brought him to group therapy in the first place.

       "How was your weekend, (Y/N)?" I looked up from my hands on my lap, my eyes darting up to Phoebe at the sound of my name.

       "I'm sorry?"

       "How was your weekend?" Phoebe repeated with a patient smile.

       I found myself stuttering. "Boring, I guess," I answered.

       "How so?"

       I'm not opening up, I told myself. I'm not ready yet. "I just . . . didn't do anything."

       "Is that all?"

       I sat silent, fiddling with my fingers. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to speak just a little more. "There's . . . not really any point of trying to get out of bed and doing nothing right when you can get drunk again. That way people won't set any expectations of you anymore." It wasn't the best of messages to send out there but it was all I could say at the moment. I couldn't even bring myself to apologize to the others who tried so hard to live without alcohol for acting so negative. I was just a party pooper.

       I heard chuckling from the other side of the room and I looked up from my lap. Murdoc let his head fall into the palm of his hand and smirked, trying to stop himself from laughing. "You got that right, lass," he mumbled. He looked back up at me and I felt myself smile. Making him laugh made me feel a little better, I'm not gonna lie.

       "What did you end up doing this weekend?" Phoebe asked.

       "I've been sober for 65 days, I didn't wanna give up . . ."

       "Staying away from the alcohol . . . how did it make you feel?"

       "Uhh . . ." I looked away from Phoebe and bit my lip.

       "Or maybe a better question is, looking back at it, how does it make you feel that you held on to your goal?"

       "I feel . . . like I don't wanna talk about feelings?" I felt Murdoc's eyes on me and glanced back in his direction, watching another smirk craft his face into a kind of expression I hadn't seen before. This time it felt more genuine. All the other times he made jokes he wore a sort of smug grin, followed by some strange quacking noise. This time it didn't look smug, it looked understanding and authentic.

       "Well, that's okay, (Y/N)," Phoebe accepted.

       "At least you're talking more, that's progress," I heard the man beside me comment. I, as well as a few others, laughed in response and soon enough, we left the room for the gymnasium. The health clinic held the Boys and Girls Club every Wednesday night and every three to four weeks we got the chance to use it for us adults to express ourselves through art. I was wondering what Murdoc would do; he didn't seem like the artistic type. He looked like he road stolen motorcycles and spent his free time in his apartment doing drugs. Not that I was judging, I was an alcoholic myself, so that wouldn't be fair. I didn't mean it as an insult either - there's nothing wrong with doing those things (as long as you pay for the motorcycle eventually) and smoking weed in your apartment. I just felt like Murdoc’s life outside of therapy could’ve been anything; endless possibilities to discover if he let me. I think I'm rambling again.

       "Well, during this crafting session, I want everybody to craft a card for somebody in the group. I want you to give them a positive message about something, whether it's some encouragement or any positive thought you've had about them," Phoebe said, lifting the plastic containers of coloured paper and writing utensils out from under the table. I turned in direction of Murdoc who stood a metre away from the rest of us. This was my chance to finally thank him. I smiled to myself at the thought of it and immediately began to craft.

       "Dear Murdoc,        I'm not sure if you remember but I'm the girl you pulled away from the traffic about four weeks ago. Thank you for saving my dumbass from being roadkill. I wish I could make it up to you."

       From across the room, I noticed he picked up a pencil and paper, but never actually wrote anything down. It took twenty minutes to create a simple yet brightly coloured card showing my appreciation and then another ten to gain the courage to get up and walk over to him. I ambled my way across the gymnasium to the table he sat at, surprised he was sitting alone. He was liked greatly by the others in our session and I could see he had already received three cards, probably complimenting his wild personality and enjoyable humour. I didn't want to criticize him for sitting alone either; everybody needs a little alone time. I stood in front of him, unsure of how to make my presence acknowledged. He wasn't looking up at me so I assumed he didn't know I was there. Without a second thought, I stuck the card out closer to his face and, slightly startled, he backed up, looking up at me with an odd expression. Out of nervousness, I dropped it and pulled away.

       "What's this?" he asked, gently picking it up and observing the front.

       "I-it's a thank you card." I heard my voice shake and felt my pulse in my throat as he opened it up. "You ran off so quickly I never got the chance to say anything."

       "Oh, sorry," he chuckled, looking back up at me. He took one last glance at the card before placing it down and tapping it lightly with his fingers.

       "It's okay, it's not your fault. I'm sure you were busy. In fact, I'm sorry," I laughed anxiously.

       Murdoc watched me carefully as if I was some strange unpredictable animal. "What'd you do?"

       "For startling you."

       "Oh, it's alright, no harm done," he said, using his hands to act out his sentences. I stood for a few seconds, nodding and tapping my foot awkwardly. He did the same but shook his head, chuckling and smiling. Did my discomfort and uncertainty amuse him? I was about to stop the unnecessary embarrassment by waving and leaving but he cleared his throat, laying his arm out on the chair next to him. "Wanna take a seat?"

       I looked up at him and smiled, "Yeah, sure!" As I sat down he smirked and stared down at his empty card, twisting his lips in thought. His pencil twirled in between his fingers as he hopelessly thought about what to do. "Who do you think you'll give your card to?"

       He shrugged, "No idea. I don't know if you've noticed but I don't really talk to anyone or do anything here aside from making stupid jokes."

       "Are you secretly shy?" I teased, feeling good about the conversation.

       He shook his head, his smile glued to his face. "Nah . . . Normally I'm talkative and sometimes a little obnoxious too, while I'm at it."

       "What's changing that part of you?" I pushed with curiosity.

       "Well, I guess I wasn't expecting to see somebody from outside of therapy inside," he explained, turning to me.

       I lifted my arms onto the table, resting my chin on the backs on my hands as I intertwined my fingers. I leaned in a little close, not realizing what I was doing. "What, do you have different behaviours for certain scenarios?"

       "I'd prefer to save my gentleman act for those who don't know me," he opened up, keeping his eyes attached to mine.

       "Why's that? Don't like people to get past your grumpy castle walls?" I joked.

       I officially made Murdoc laugh now. A wholesome exhale of joy fell from his lips and he looked the opposite way for a second. He looked back to me, "Let's leave those questions for Phoebe to ask."

       I backed up and let my arms fall from the table, wrapping them around myself as I enjoyed my time in the company of this man. "If you say so, Oscar the Grouch."

       We kept quiet for a minute and I looked around the gymnasium contently as I heard him beginning his writing. "How long have you been here?"

       "Hm?" I turned my head to him once more. "Here? For a while now, about eight or nine months, maybe. In general, I've been referred to multiple places for the past ten years."

       "Ten years?" Murdoc questioned, lifting his gaze up at me from the card beneath him.

       "Yeah . . . It's been quite the journey."

       "I can imagine. I'm impressed," he commented.

       I furrowed my brows, confused. "What's impressive?"

       "Well, a lot of people don't make it past five years of being an alcoholic before they're long gone, and you've been through this since your twenties I'm assuming?"

       "I guess, but I'm sure others have it worse," I told him and convinced myself.

       "Oh, come on, don't be like that," Murdoc encouraged. "Your story is just as important as anybody else's."

       "What about you? How long have you been doing this?"

       He sighed, "Well, as I said before, I'm here against my will." I looked at him, beginning to frown. He really didn't like it there, did he? Even if he looked like he was having fun he was just passing the time by laughing off how serious of a problem his alcoholism really was. And to be honest, I related to him from time to time. "Being in the position I'm in, group therapy alone isn't going to heal me, and my friends know that, but . . . if it makes them feel better that I'm here, I'll tolerate it until they realize how much of a lost cause I am," he laughed. He continued to write in his card and I observed him with sorrowful eyes.

       "I'm sure if you keep going you'll find a light at the end of the tunnel."

       Murdoc shook his head and his smile seemed to fade away. "I can't even bring myself to feel like I deserve it, honestly."

       "Help?"

       He nodded and sighed. "Ah, well. That's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes," he said, grabbing a black pencil crayon and beginning to draw.

       "It doesn't have to be that way, though. You don't seem like that bad of a person, Murdoc. I know we don't know each other, but I think you're a pretty cool person."

       Murdoc flickered his eyes up as if in realization. He turned to me and blinked a few times before breathing in deeply and leaning back in his chair. "Thanks, lass," he mumbled. "I mean that. Thank you," he reassured, looking back at me. "That's nice of you to say."

       I nodded, "Yeah, of course. Ever since you came therapy's changed for the better." He smiled at me and I felt myself smile back.

       "Alright, it's probably best we start putting everything away," Phoebe directed from across the gymnasium. Just like the simulations of a kindergarten class, everyone handed what they had left of their cards away and began to clean up. Murdoc finished writing what he had left and picked up the supplies from his table. I stood up too, his body movements guiding mine. With one hand he held his items and in the other, he stuck out the card in front of me. I stared at it, wondering if he was handing it to me.

       I looked up at him to be sure and he cocked his eyebrows, smiling, "You gonna take it?" As I reached out and took it he chuckled and began to walk away from me. "See you next week, (Y/N)."

       I watched him put away his things and leave through the gymnasium door as I stood, still processing what had happened. I was so ecstatic, my face flushed red, I couldn't believe he remembered my name! It sounded stupid but just the fact he offered me a seat and was opening up to me meant the world. I nearly forgot the card was in my hand, nearly dropping it from daydreaming. I blinked away my distracting thoughts and left the building, saying goodbye to Phoebe and the lady at the front desk on my way. As I left I pulled the card up and gazed at the front. It was a simple drawing of the okay hand symbol poorly shaded with a black coloured pencil.

       "Dear (Y/N),        You're very welcome. Thank you for the nice conversation, I haven't had one of those in a while. You seem like a pretty cool person as well, I hope you engage in more near-death experiences I can save you from, haha."

       I smiled and closed the card, keeping it close to me as I walked home.

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 054: OG!Deku Had a Fucking Taser

Previously on BnHA: Todoroki showed up to help Iida and Deku after getting Deku’s weird message in the group chat. Stain proved frustratingly tough to deal with, even after Deku’s paralysis wore off and he was able to rejoin the fight. Having previously leveled up his inner peace and clarity stats thanks to Deku, Todoroki attempted to impart this same wisdom to Iida, and it looks like it just might have worked.

Today on BnHA: Iida has more sad flashbacks of his brother, and reminds us all that he wants to be a great hero like him. Stain says Iida is selfish and that he’s going to purge society of its fakers who are warping the word “hero.” If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because we’ve been listening to this same tune for the past several chapters. Thankfully the characters seem to realize my attention span is reaching its limits, and decide to wrap this up. Todoroki cools down Iida’s legs so he can use Recipro again. Iida kicks Stain in the face at the same time Deku punches him on the other side of his face, and it’s just the therapy I needed.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 126 now (lol I’ve been stuck on the same chapter for the better part of a week), so any ETAs will reflect that.)

there is exactly one cool thing in the vol. 6 bonus features, but that one cool thing is very fucking cool.

I fucking love learning more about this type of character-building process. not sure if this is too tiny to read since I shrunk the image; here’s a link to the vol. 6 extras if anyone wants to take a closer look

it’s fascinating that Deku wasn’t originally planned to have a quirk. honestly, I think Horikoshi’s editor made the right call there. since Deku ended up having to learn how to control his new power, we still got a taste of that “having to solve problems without the use of a quirk” situation early on, but with the added bonus of getting that satisfying sense of progression as his skills with One for All gradually improve

plus, I really love the mythology of One for All so far. and All Might’s bond with Deku is one of my favorite parts of the series, so I’m really glad that was developed as well

(ETA: okay, so just let me gush for a sec. as shitty as this Donald-Trump-is-US-pres timeline is, for the past ten years there has been one thing that still gives me hope for this Berenstain universe that we all ended up in, and that’s the fact that RDJ ended up playing Iron Man in the MCU instead of Tom Cruise. that is, until now. now there are two things, and the second one is that Horikoshi Kouhei’s editor made him give Deku a fucking quirk. because after reading chapter 59, and then the Kamino arc and its aftermath, I can’t imagine this series without One for All and everything that comes along with it. everything about it is so well thought out and impeccably planned, and it just feels epic. it singlehandedly elevates the series from “this is really good, I like this” to “this is fucking great and if the series keeps this up, it can and will stand up there with the best of all time by the end of its run.”

basically what I’m saying is, One for All is good and I like it.)

but it’s still very cool to know that it wasn’t the original plan, meaning there’s some alternate universe where Deku never received a quirk and still went on to take the superhero world by storm through pure shounen guts

OG!Deku carries a fucking taser gun in his bag you guys. OG!Deku didn’t come to play

on to the new volume!

oh dang what’s this. this appears to be the first chapter I’ve read that was scanlated by fans rather than being the official Viz translation. on the one hand, yay and fuck Viz, but on the other hand I was looking forward to seeing the new volume cover lol. should I risk looking it up?

-- OH MY GOD

I’M SO GLAD I LOOKED IT UP!?!

BAKUGOU KATSUKI: ORIGIN

YEESSSSS MY ANGRY SON. NOW THAT TODOROKI AND IIDA HAVE HAD THEIR ANGSTY ARCS, IT’S ALL YOU, BOY

at least I assume. dare I hope. looll

(ETA: holy shit this series played its cards close to the chest when it came to that Kacchan angst. they did not give two fucks about how badly I wanted it! but eventually they did deliver. boy did they ever fucking deliver)

all right, I’m not going to look up any more details about that for now. we’re going into this totally spoiler-free, folks. please look forward to it. yoroshiku onegaishimasu

all right. on to the actual chapter. so the first page is just a rehash of stuff we already saw, i.e. Iida thinking about his brother and how he aspires to be like him, and then Todoroki yelling at him to do exactly that, basically. “set your eyes on the man you want to be”

now Iida is crying again and thinking, “some hero I am,” and he’s realizing how much of a shithead he was being this whole time. okay, good. I don’t hold any of it against you, Iida. you were in a rough place

looks like we’re getting more big bro flashbacks now

oh my god these brothers could not be more different in personality

just like that Tensei has endeared himself to me for life

so he says that it was partly because it runs in the family, and their parents and grandparents were all heroes, so it was natural for him to follow that path as well. but he also just wants to be that guy who helps people out, even with the little things, because he says “that kind of guy is the coolest there is.” which is such a great fucking thing to say, honestly. you never know how the smallest action can have the greatest impact. and even if it doesn’t, those little actions still add up and make the world a better place

basically this dude is the shit and I’m mad Iida already called him as his role model. damn you Iida

and now he’s ruffling small Tenya’s hair and saying that if small Tenya admires him, then he just might be a great hero after all

just look at this fucking smiling guy who loves his little brother so much and just wants to do what he can to make the world better you guys

the world does not deserve him and fuck you Stain for what you fucking did to him

now we’re back in the present and Iida appears to be entering Full Shame mode, and is thinking he’s not worthy compared to Deku and Shouto who have been acting so nobly this whole time

“but nonetheless...!” yeeess Iida, now that you have Seen The Light it’s time for you to snap out of it and join our badass U.A. All-Star Superhero Group boiiii

what the fuck is Todoroki even doing

IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED. WHAT IS THIS KID

OH MY GOD, FUCK

WHERE THE FUCK IS DEKU?? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PLAN OF KEEPING HIS ATTENTION ON YOU?!!

(ETA: so I’ll explain right now that I didn’t realize Deku had been re-paralyzed toward the end of the previous chapter. so there’ll be several more comments to the effect of WHERE’S DEKU!? until I finally fucking realize this. please accept my sincerest apologies)

FINALLY IIDA IS GETTING UP, THE PARALYSIS HAS WORN OFF

USE THE THING IIDA OMG

YESSSSSSS

[PUMPS FIST IN AIR!!]

JESUS CHRIST. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. TODOROKI COULD HAVE FUCKING DIED JUST LIKE THAT HOLY SHIT

IIDA BROKE STAIN’S KATANA! GOD BLESS YOU, NEW AND IMPROVED IIDA 2.0 WITH THE POWER OF SELF-REFLECTION

NOW HE’S MOVING TO KICK STAIN RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD

WHERE THE HELL IS DEKU DURING ALL THIS, DID HE FUCKING DIE OR WHAT

WHAT ARE YOU DOING DEKU. ARE YOU JUST WATCHING?!

Iida is apologizing again for getting the other two involved in something they have nothing to do with. but this time it seems like it’s coming from a more resolved and stable place!

I can’t believe Stain is still out here lecturing about the evils of society instead of fucking booking it now that all three of them are out here gunning for him

he’s literally calling Iida “the cancer of society”

(ETA: Stain’s Annoying Rant Counter: 6)

now Todoroki’s calling him out for being a nutjob and he’s telling Iida to ignore him

Todoroki has been so fucking concerned with Iida’s mental well-being this whole damn time and I love it. what a good boy

but Iida’s agreeing with Stain and says he’s not qualified to bear the title of “hero”

BUT he’s not going to give up either!

Iida is going back and forth so damn much here I can’t fucking keep up. like, I’m glad he’s begun the process of becoming self-actualized now, and it’s great to see Todoroki trying to help others sort through their shit now that he’s more or less dealt with his own. but I also feel like we’ve been covering the same talking points over and over again throughout this entire fight which has now lasted like four chapters. and if I’m being totally honest, it’s starting to get just the slightest bit annoying and repetitive

like, we fucking get it. Stain thinks 99% of heroes are selfish hypocrites. Tenya really looks up to his brother and is justifiably angry about what happened. and at the same time he’s trying to live up to his brother’s name and ideals. and this whole thing is a really personal matter to him. like, we got that three and a half chapters ago. I kinda just want to finish this up already

meanwhile during all of this talking, Todoroki is blasting Stain again because obviously we’re not about to let up now, lol

the other still-paralyzed pro is shouting at Deku and Shouto to run since Stain isn’t after them. I can’t decide if I’m pleased that he’s concerned for their safety over his own, or annoyed at him for assuming that they would or could actually do that

and Todoroki says that Stain’s not giving them any openings to run away

and he’s also noticed that Stain has finally gone on the defensive now. all it took was him being outnumbered 3 to 1, and having his sword broken! wow

tbh I’m amazed he did as well as he did, all things considered. like, he definitely seems to have superhuman speed and agility, and that seems to have been the deciding factor thus far, way more than his actual quirk

(ETA: but unfortunately this is the start of a very annoying pattern of everyone lowkey worshiping the ground Stain walks on. omg Stain-sempai you’re so cool and powerful and charismatic and amazing. we’ll see this reach peak ridiculousness in another two chapters when Stain is simply so cool and riveting and captivating that every single other character winds up frozen in place just listening to him in awe.)

Todoroki is wondering why Stain hasn’t fled yet, given that he’s at an obvious disadvantage now

and he concludes that he is crazy and determined. again, what a great insight that’s already been beaten into our heads like a half dozen times by now

tbh I do like the idea of Stain as a villain, but as of now there’s just not enough to his character for him to hold my interest for such a sustained period of time. we get it, he’s wrong but he thinks he’s right! he’s a fanatic! fucking roger that!!

Iida’s looking at his boots and says his recipro is fried. which is to be expected since that always happens when he uses it, no? idk why he seems surprised

ooh but he seems to have an idea now? he’s asking Todoroki if he can regulate his leg’s temperature

Todo says he’s not used to his left side yet

but Iida doesn’t need the left side! he’s asking Todo to cool down his leg, but just enough so that his exhaust pipes don’t get blocked off

JESUS

okay I’m getting sick of this guy’s attempts to straight up murder Todoroki. I THOUGHT HE WASN’T AFTER HIM?? anyways thank you, Iida

and now Stain’s throwing another fucking knife, holy shit. is he ever gonna run out??

Iida’s shouting at Todoroki to “just do it quick”

just do it Todoroki

is Deku paralyzed again and that’s why he hasn’t done anything this whole time? I guess he must be

okay yeah I just went and looked back at the previous chapter and that’s why. Deku was apologizing to Todoroki and said he got taken out again. I got distracted by Todoroki shouting at Iida like a main character lol

anyway so now he’s recovered a second time. he still seems a little shaky, but with Iida out of commission again and Shouto also injured and not able to defend himself and Iida both, he pretty much has to make a move now

okay looks like Shouto was successfully able to cool down Iida’s engines, but Stain is already in mid-leap heading right for them

IS IIDA FUCKING PULLING THIS SWORD OUT OF HIS OWN ARM WITH HIS OWN FUCKING TEETH

WTF, THIS IS THE MANLIEST FUCKING THING ANYONE’S EVER DONE??

“I’ll give up this arm” WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

he’s using Recipro again

and now he’s charging toward Stain

and so is Deku!!

omgggggg

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HOLY SHIT THE FUCKING DOUBLE TEAM YESSSSS

THAT’S THE END OF THE CHAPTER, BUT HOLY SHIT. IF THAT DOESN’T FINALLY KNOCK HIM OUT I’LL BE SO FUCKING PISSED OFF LOL

BONUS:

(I didn’t look up any of the bonus volume pages until after I’d read chapter 62, just FYI. so all of this is ETA stuff from my post-chapter 62 self.)

first, the volume title page is Jirou and Momo being lesbians!

at least, that’s 100% the vibe I’m getting here and no one can convince me otherwise

and now, the actual bonus page:

oh my god his vest automatically applies heating or cooling as needed based on his body heat. why the hell didn’t he have this costume to begin with. he had a weird costume at the start of the series that he wore like once and then never used again. oh well I shouldn’t be complaining about a vast improvement

it’s also nice to see he got himself a costume that wouldn’t immediately catch fire when he does his thing!

utility belt! he should add some wire rope to that thing so he doesn’t have to use easily-breakable dumpster twine the next time he has to apprehend a villain unexpectedly

and his boots have cleats! smart! but that probably makes things more difficult on those occasions when he wants to use his ice for sliding on though

ALL IN ALL, THEY’RE COOL ON HIM DON’T YOU THINK??????! lol

[yes-i-write-fanfiction]

Could I have headcanon of the liason of the Lost Light who had adopted a dog, who had a terrible past and the bots sees how the dog goes from being terrified of them, jumping at the slightest of sound to a very happy dog, who friendly greets everyone they sees and loves to play with everyone? (I love your writing! Hope you will inspired to keep on writing for a long time)

Rodimus fucking adopts the dog with you. This dog is his baby now and he won’t let anyone harm it in any way. He can be a little to forward sometimes and you will have to tell him to calm down so the dog can get used to him first. When he sees how the dog starts to heal Rodimus almost cries. That’s right baby, you can do it. He loves it with all his spark and is so happy that it learned how to trust and live again.

Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus is skeptical at first. Will this dog keep you from doing your job? Will it cause trouble for the rest of the crew? Despite this he quickly warms up to the dog and he even uses his irreducible form to appear smaller and less threatening in front of it. He can’t help but smile when the dog finally trusts him and runs up to him, wagging its tail. You did a good job liaison, thank you for proving him wrong.

Megatron tries to avoid the dog at first since he doesn’t have any interest in it. But he ends up getting drawn to the dog. Both of them are broken and in need of help. Perhaps… perhaps they can find it together? He ends up loving the dog, even if he doesn’t say it, and it fills him with hope when he sees it improving and slowly healing. He and the dog ends up bonding and it fills him with joy everytime he hears it barking in excitement.

Drift supports the dog with all his spark and makes it his mission to help you with its healing. He’s oh so gentle and patient with the dog and lets it take as much time as it needs to. Every breakthrough, no matter how small, is met with positivity and excitement. He also kinda spoils the dog and won’t stop giving it treats for every single thing it does. Drift, stop, you’re going to make it overweight.

Swerve loves the dog and while his over-enthusiasm scares it away at first he learns how to control himself and make the dog feel safe with him. It can sense he means well and it decides to trust him. And oh boy, Swerve turns into such a dog mom. He’s got a thousand pictures of the dog and treats it like his baby. When he sees it wag its tail and get all excited he can’t help but shed a tear. They grow up so fast.

Ten and the dog immediately bonds. No one knows how or why but for some reason the dog trusts ten with all its heart and Ten just adores it right back. He’s super careful with it and carries it around in his servos with the same gentleness as if it were made out of glass. Gets super happy when the dog starts trusting people more and makes it a ton of toys to play with. This doggo is now his best friend.

Skids turns into a dog expert in one second. He’s never even seen a dog before yet he acts like Cesar Millan. And of course the dog loves him, even if it is kinda shy. He knows exactly what to do to make it feel at ease and how to encourage it. Seeing it heal and become a happy and secure dog again makes Skids feel accomplished and is filled with a strange sense of peace. He’s so happy he could help it.

Riptide keeps accidentally scaring the dog until someone tells him he needs to be super careful with it and all of a sudden he treats it as if it’s a ticking time bomb. At least now he doesn’t scare the dog. Likes playing with it and loves it when it gets more and more friendly and open. It makes him really happy to see. He makes a tiny harness with a shark fin on it and makes the dog wear it. Calls it “Riptide Jr.”.

Rung may not have met a dog before but he’s used to calming people down and practically radiate safety and comfort so it’s only a matter of time before the dog falls in love with him. The dog is never afraid with him and Rung does his best so that it will feel the same way with the rest of the crew. Once the dog opens up he is so happy and proud. Sometimes the dog helps as a therapy animal during sessions with his patients.

Whirl turns, surprising everyone, into a real mama bear. Anyone mess with this dog and he gonna shoot them, no questions asked. Carries the dog around on and sometimes in his cockpit and stores a bunch of dog treats in there. Probably gets the dog a bunch of cool clothes too. He denies it with all his spark but when he sees the dog running around all happy he can’t help but sniffle. That’s his baby alright.

Fortress Maximus is the epitome of “I’ve only had _____ for one day but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and them myself”. You know those pictures of giant men with tiny puppies? This is Max except the dog is grown up and he’s a giant robot. He tries to heal together with the dog so that one day they can both feel safe and enjoy life to the fullest. He’s so proud of it when it finally breaks out of its shell.

Tailgate shouts “pupper!” which unfortunately scares the dog away, making Tailgate very sad. He tries again, this time much calmer, and this time he manages to befriend the dog. The first time the dog licks his servo he’s awestruck. “Primus does exist”. Does his best to help the dog get out of its shell and start trusting again. Cries like a baby when he realizes the dog feels better now and finally feels safe.

Cyclonus is neutral about the dog at first. He doesn’t really care about it until Tailgate drags him in. Then he kinda likes it. Seeing the dog gradually open up and start to trust again is warming his spark though and he is supporting it from the sidelines. He secretly turns into a bit of a dog enthusiast after meeting this dog and can’t stop looking up more about dogs on the internet. He finds them fascinating.

Chromedome is a bit cautious of the dog at first. It is so skittish and easily scared that he’s worried that it might die of a heart attack or something. That doesn’t mean he dislikes it, no, he actually finds it kind of cute. And when the dog slowly gets more and more secure and happy he can’t help but interact with it more. It’s such an incredible species and he’s glad to have met it. You really did a good job liaison.

Rewind wants to get as close to the dog as possible in order to film it but when he notices how scared it is he calms down and decides to try and earn its trust first. He looks up a bunch of things about dogs on the internet and asks you for advice and slowly the dog starts to trust him. The day it finally runs up to him with its tail wagging Rewind is so happy that he almost forgets to record it. Now he’s got a ton of dog videos.

Brainstorm sees the dog and how scared it is and makes a fucking dog mecha-suit it can ride around it. When asked why he says it’s so it can feel safe. How much safer can one get than with guns? He is very enthusiastic with the dog and all progress is met with a bunch of positivity and lots and lots of treats. He fucking loves this dog and spoils it rotten. If it had the will to it could get away with murder because of Brainstorm.

Perceptor finds the dog intriguing. Such an intriguing species. But it seems very distressed. Ah, perhaps he can help? With his calm nature the dog easily feels at ease around him. Perceptor apparently also gives the best pets and scritches which causes the dog to seek him out by itself. He is very satisfied when he notices that the dog have recovered completely from whatever traumatic event that happened to it.

First Aid stays away from the dog at first since he doesn’t know anything about them and is afraid he will just scare it. Eventually he will gather up enough courage to approach it and he can’t help but find it super adorable. He feels bad for it when he sees how scared it is and decides that he should at least try to help it. When it finally breaks out of its shell First Aid is overjoyed and praises it to Cybertron and back.

Ratchet just can’t find it in himself to be annoyed at the dog when it barks in fear, he’s not completely heartless and he actually pities the poor thing. He softens up a remarkable bit when around the dog and treats it both carefully and with respect. While he pretends to dislike it when it barks excitedly he actually enjoys it and is happy that it no longer is plagued by fear. Good job champ, he knew you could do it.

[melancholyandphilosophy-blog]

A little bit about Me

It’s 1:21am on a Monday morning and I can’t sleep. That’s nothing new. Sleep is one of many things I’ve fought with over my lifetime, along with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual assault, losing and finding myself over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our battles. I don’t think I have it any worse or any better than anybody else, but I do think I may have analyzed and understood its depths a little better. All my life I’ve asked “why?”, and just when I think I’ve solved one problem, another one arises. I never stop questioning. It’s a blessing and a curse.

To be honest, I think it’s mostly a curse. Trying to understand in a world that is under no obligation to be understood. Trying to make sense of chaos. I am grateful, though, that I see things the way that I do. You’ll begin to understand why.

I think I’m fairly special. I think we should all think that of ourselves; if we don’t, who will? I’m learning the true meaning of speaking things into existence and along with that, the value of patience. We underestimate the power of our minds. We’re raised to ignore a lot of the signs and signals our bodies and the universe give us. We’re smarter than we think we are. I hope times change and we relearn the importance of communicating with our inner self, and working from the inside outward. Filling our cup before we try to pour water for someone else, and replenishing our own supply when we’ve run dry.

A little bit about Me.

I want to tell you the good things as well as the bad but I have to be honest, I don’t have very many happy memories from about age 12 to 19. I had a wonderful childhood with my two older sisters, my younger brother, and my best friend who lived next door. All of the laughs and love we shared have lumped into one heartwarming, longing memory of mine.

Most of my memories are sad. I read something once a long time ago that explained how humans retain the strongest memories when they felt the most emotion (hence, why I still vividly remember walking out of the school bathroom on the first day of grade nine with toilet paper stuck to my shoe because I was SO embarrassed, I haven’t let myself live it down). I have felt a lot of intense sadness, confusion, apathy, and anger in my lifetime. I’m not so depressed anymore because I’ve come to know myself very well through all of the ups and downs, but we’ll get there.

The first time I cut myself was in grade five. I took my mom’s sewing scissors to my wrist. I knew they were sharp enough because one of my sisters had accidentally cut herself with them years before. I don’t recall feeling particularly sad until after I drew blood; I think initially I was just curious.

My curiosity (and borderline fascination) with pain and death stuck with me from a very young age. When I would hear of deaths in the news I would wait until my parents had gone to bed to get online and read about it. I watched horrors and thrillers and crime shows. I wondered what would come after life and I concluded that it must be eternal blackness. I didn’t believe in God or an afterlife because life was too painful and cruel to think that there was some greater good purpose behind it all.

The night before my grade eight graduation I got my first period. Everything went downhill quickly after that. I’m specifically mentioning the beginning of puberty because I think it’s connected to my fall into depression, and it’s something I’ll probably blog about later. Scientists neglected to research women’s health until recent years with our progression towards equality. I think puberty effects young women’s emotional health much more than we give credit for. Even still, at 21 years of age, I tussle with suicidal thoughts for one week out of every month. Without proper sex education and open discussion about mental illness, our daughters are in danger. The dawn of puberty was a very dark time for me.

I remember the very first time my laugh felt hollow. I was in class with my best friend, we were joking around the way we always did and we laughed until tears but something didn’t feel right inside of me. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t experience any joy. I felt empty. I started relating to dark music and depression blogs on Tumblr where I’d find posts that seemed to describe the way I felt better than I could. Posts such as someone taking off a smiling mask to reveal their “true self”, a face of agonizing despair. I began to draw as an outlet for my overwhelming emotions. That and basketball were the only things keeping me sane.

When I was in grade nine, articles surfaced about someone my age from another province who took her own life. It stuck with me ever since. I read every article there was to read, and following that I researched the most effective ways to kill oneself. Shortly thereafter, I tried to drown myself.

When suicide didn’t work, I tried to take control over something easier to grasp. I stopped eating. I consciously ate a granola bar every third day. I collapsed on the basketball court due to malnutrition and was taken to a dietician. I saw her a few times and convinced everyone that I was cured. Now, I was eating to feed my families concerns, just to run away and spit/puke up much of my food.

I hated myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I sat up until 4 and 5 in the morning every night staring at the wall, inaudibly sobbing, cutting my inner thighs just to feel something. Eventually, I stopped crying at all. I stopped feeling altogether. I was perpetually numb, I was angry and confused and waiting for it all to end. One thought ran through my brain all day, every. single. day. “I'd rather be dead.”

I got caught up in a dead-end relationship throughout high school. My friends and family would ask me what I was doing and I would dismiss their concern because I really thought I was in love. Looking back now, I don’t recognize the girl I was in that relationship and at that time in my life. I endured a series of unfortunate events that all convinced me that I was worthless, nothing more than a piece of meat for a man’s pleasure. I was used, abused, manipulated.

I’ve always been afraid to write or talk about these things in fear of hurting the people who hurt me. That’s really fucked up, actually, that after all the pain they’ve caused me I will still worry about their wellbeing more than my own. With that said, my suffering doesn’t dissipate the love I had for these people. I have a soft and forgiving heart, but it is beaten and bruised and it’s ready to be free. Sexual abuse has haunted me for 8 years now. It has affected me in many ways that, when I find the bravery, I will discuss later in order to shed light on just how harmful it is to its victims. It’s not always a drunken encounter; in fact, quite often sexual assault occurs within relationships. Looking the first person you ever loved in the eyes and choking out the words “you’re raping me” for them to carry on until you black out will inevitably change a person.

I didn’t allow myself time to think about what had happened to me. I didn’t process my pain, I refused to accept what had happened. Instead, I fell in love again, this time intensely. This was a love I’d never known; one of respect, admiration, passion, lust, and everything else wonderful. When this was abruptly stripped from me, I mourned the loss of both of my relationships at once. I felt so small and so alone. I stopped eating, attending school, sleeping, socializing. I hooked up with strangers to feel like for a moment, someone wanted me. I was lost, and that was nobody’s fault but my own because I constantly relied on other people to provide me happiness that I couldn’t find within. I tried to kill myself twice more.

I am lucky to be alive. Lucky and so thankful. I don’t want to detail my suicide attempts because the people who are likely to resonate the most with this post are the people who, similarly to my past self, will make a mental note of those details for future reference. I am absolutely not here to tell you how to hurt yourself; I’m here for the exact opposite. I’m here to tell you why I thank God everyday that it never worked for me. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone, and to help you interpret feelings you might not understand yet. I’m here to tell you how everything hurts until one day it doesn’t anymore, and suddenly you realize you’ve been living a more fulfilling life than you’ve ever known without even recognizing your own strength. I proudly remind myself of how strong I am. I’ve survived years of fighting with myself mentally and physically. I’ve made it to 21 years old when I didn’t think I’d even see 16, and moreover, i’ve learned to count my blessings and appreciate the sick, twisted, strikingly beautiful life I’ve been given.

So that’s a little bit about me. That’s the short story of why I’ve become who I’ve become -- a hopeful young lady with endless potential, a deep understanding of pain and a burning desire to help others feel less alone. Throughout everything I’ve been through I looked for answers to wherein lies some fleeting desire to keep living, and I’ve finally found it. Maybe i’m just venting out all the things I’ve been afraid to say aloud. Maybe this is just free therapy for me. Hopefully at least one person will relate and find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their struggles.

My posts won’t be this dark in the future. Besides, looking back gets you nowhere. We’re looking forward with optimism. This is my story of love and loss, disconsolation and vitality, confusion and clarity. This is my story of recovery.

[redfoxwritesstuff]

Medicine

I’ll be fully honest, I’m not a Marvel nerd. I enjoy the movies but I have gaps, some I haven’t seen due to being broke. I just love all the hot ass sassy men, mkay? It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve written anything, let’s see what happens, shall we?

     Summery: Doctor Reiko Martin is a world leading Diagnostician, the youngest in her field. Daughter of Doctor Paul Martin, she was always in a shadow. When she gets a 4am call from Doctor Stephen Strange, she want’s nothing more then to ignore the man. However, he will not be ignored and insists that he needs her. Maybe this is her chance to be the better Doctor. Maybe this is her chance to be more then just a Doctor. 

Stephen Strange x OFC

Series Warnings: Language, illness, possibly future smut. 

Chapter 1

     Dr. Reiko Martin glanced at the chart in front of her. Pass, a simple case of phenomena was hardly worth her time. The chart below it belonged to a old woman with chronic kidney stones. Boring. Borning. Borning. Most of the cases that came to her desk were just that, boring.

     Her father was a legend in the field. The Doctor Martin, master diagnostician regarded around the world as second to none. He spared no penny in his daughter's education. Private tutors, long hours and constant drilling. It all paid off, she was second in her field until the day he died. The anniversary of his death was quick approaching and she couldn't help but find herself feeling reflective. It lead to her being antsy and short tempered, more then usual at least.  

     She didn't cry at his funeral. She didn't feel any sadness at his passing, not really. She didn't really feel anything when he passed, not even relief. Maybe, she should have felt joy at finally having freedom? He would no longer be pushing her to excel. She was in her late twenties and her life hardly lived. Graduating High School early with college credits already under her belt, she was pushed ever onward.

      With her father's support and constant pushing, she took as many classes as she could, flying through her college work and soaring though Medical School, an unstoppable force. Many were envious of her, oh how they wished they had someone like her father in their back pocket. His support was believed to have been amazing. They were sure she worked hard to make him proud

     Only when she began her residency did her world begin to slow down. She stopped being the star and started being tested. The attending physicians wanted to break the star student, to stump her and knock her down a few pegs. It was a time she truly loved. An ego in a young doctor could be deadly for a patient. They never found a fault in her. Maybe that was ultimately her fault.

     Father's lectures were never far from mind. Her specialty- Diagnostics, just like him. She was interested in surgery but alas, as she was always reminded a surgeon is only as good as their hands. She was young now, her hands steady and sure but any number of things could take that from her. It was better to go with diagnostics, something prized, something that she could continue even as she grew old and gray. All she needed was her mind. She didn't need to be a part of the boy's club in the Surgical Theater.

      Sometimes she wonders “what if”, but quickly puts those thoughts out of mind. Regrets were useless. A waste of time.

      With a sigh she closes the chart. Maybe she would find something tomorrow. The hospital director wants her to take more cases in house, or else she could expect to be ordered to be on loan to another hospital or worse, increase her clinic hours. Spending time helping with colds, coughs and broken bones at the walk in clinic that served to decrease minor visits to the hospital ER were not something she liked.

      Her most recent patient would be discharging at the end of the week into a inpatient psychical therapy program. It was an interesting case of a hidden brain tumor. The surgeon reporting finding teeth inside the mass. How fascinating. Or at least it would be to someone else. She'd seen it before. Most things she'd seen before.

      With a sigh, she turned off the light in her office. Her life was boring. Her cases were boring. Her home, boring. So why bother going home? She didn't see a good reason to bother with the trip and so plopped herself down on the couch. At the very least, her office was a step up from the call rooms from her residency days.

      She drifted off into the embrace of sleep. One more day down. If she gave herself a moment to think, she would likely wonder what she could have in her life. Would she find love? Have a family? Did she even have friends? As long as she kept herself busy, as long as she kept looking for the next case, the next challenge, she can ignore those pesky thoughts.

      It didn't matter. The world was over populated. Love was over rated. The only thing that mattered was the next puzzle.

      Maybe.

      Maybe not.

      Ringing attempted to drag her from the depths of her sleep. It wasn't her pager. It wasn't her night on call. She was groggy, tired. What time is it? She slapped at her phone, rejecting the call. With a glance at the window she saw it was dark outside. Still night. Good.

      She was just descending into sleep again when the infernal ringing started again.

      “Fuck off” she drawled and declined the call again without even opening her eyes.

      Off on the other side of the country a man she had known years ago growled in his own frustration. Goddammit, he was just trying to help an acquaintance and Martin wasn't even answering. Again her voice, cold and flat on the voicemail. He slammed the end button and just as quickly hit call again, redialing her number.

      She was like him. That's not true, she was like how he was before. Cold, indifferent. One could offer her all the money in the world and she wouldn't take the case. It had to be just right, it had to catch her attention. If he could just get her to answer, he could sell her on the case.

      Voicemail. Again. What damn Doctor doesn't answer their phone?! Again, he listened to the ringing. Behind him his...friend? Acquaintance perhaps was a more correct term, paced.

      Across the country, Dr. Martin finally roused. Whoever it was calling had better have a good reason. She groped blindly at her phone, wincing at the bright light of the screen, displaying the name and number of the caller, 'Dr. S. Strange'. The phone went dead in her hand and she breathed a sigh, thinking maybe, just maybe she would get back to sleep.

      The joke was on her however as after the briefest of moments, it began singing her it's song yet again. She saw 12 missed calls and assumed they were all from this man. Why on earth he would be calling her was the question. They hadn't gotten on well nor had they spoken in at least a year, maybe as much as four years. It was hard to say, they would often see each other in passing at medical events.

      “What do you want?” Her voice didn't sound nearly as harsh as she had intended, more tired then anything. Without waiting for his answer, she pulled the phone from her face, glancing at the time. “It's 4AM, go away”, she snapped, cutting off the voice on the other side as he had just started speaking.

      He and her father had a history. Years ago when Strange was just a resident, her father was an attending physician. Father would talk of that time as if Dr. Strange was his shinning star. In reality, the man likely gave the young Doctor a hellish time. Father never really cared for surgeons, they were the Jocks of the hospital. She assumed she inherited that view, they did always annoy her. They never did have a puzzle, the path was nearly always put forth for them. Just jocks doing as they are told. Even one as renowned as Dr. Strange wasn't immune to the hospital cliques.

      He wasted no time with pleasantries, none on “hello”s or “how are you”s. Rather, the first thing he said was, “Martin, I have a case for you.”

      He never did call her “Dr. Martin” outside of formal hospital events, unless in front of patients. Rarely, had they ever shared a patient. It always irked her. He was just another doctor to dismiss her. She was both young and a woman. Medicine was still very much a boy's club and even with the female medical staff, she didn't fit because of her age.

      “Call back in the morning.” She snapped and disconnected the call. Before she even had the phone out of her hand, he was calling again. She answered, sighing in defeat and glancing at the analog clock on the wall. “You have 4 minutes. Time starts now.”

      “Female, age 46, admitted four days ago with high BP, aches and fever over 104. Sores present on extremities and mouth. Patient presents with extreme fatigue and isn't retaining new information well.” Behind him, the patient's fiance glared at Strange, not feeling comfortable with the cold and clinical way his fiancee was being spoken about.

      “Recent travel?” Reiko hadn't even bothered to move from her position lounging on the couch.

      “Extensively within the last 90 days.” She sat up. The possibilities could be endless with extensive travel.

      “Labs?”

      “Depressed but mostly within normal range. Whatever this is, it acts both viral and bacterial, yet beyond the fever there is minimal immune response. Supportive treatment has slowed the progression but beyond that, treatments tried have been ineffective.”

      “You are no longer practicing.” He had hoped that she wouldn't point that out.

      “No, the patient is a... acquaintance of mine, you can say.”

      “Mm-hmm,” likely story. She knew his reputation. Women had been in and out of his bed on a revolving door for as long as she could remember. “Have her Doctor send me her chart.”

      Swiftly she stood and made her way to the computer. Within a few seconds, the ping went off in her ear. “That was fast, considering.”

      “I may not be practicing but I still have sway.” Age, reputation and experience granted him that much.

      She didn't really offer much of a response but he could hear the clicking away of her keyboard. In the background, she could hear a man talking to Dr. Strange.

      “Just wait, give her time.” His voice was muffled, clearly not speaking to her.

      Someone was clearly not appreciating the wait. Page after page of lab results, treatment plans, patient history all flashed across her screen. She dismissed some pages with little more then a glance, others she read in detail. Patient Potts has lost weight, regardless of effort to prevent it. She was failing to retain liquids and solids both for more then a few minutes at a time.

      GI tract appeared normal, yet nourishment and fluids introduced via feeding tube caused immense pain and bloating. Interesting. Labs appeared mostly in normal ranges.

      “I'll take it. Proceed to have her transferred.”

      “No. She's not stable enough to travel,”  

      “Good luck, then.” She was bluffing. If she could get leave from her hospital and be loaned out, she could travel. With a few keystrokes she pulled up flights while she let him simmer. She could hear background talking but paid it no mind. May as well play hard to get.

      She'd be looking at 5-8 hours travel time, including a possible layover to get to New York. Plus time in the airport and delays. Let's face it- there are always delays. In a short moment she was up out of her chair and on her way out of her office, cellphone held to her ear.

      “Come to New York to treat her.” Doctors had a way of making questions into statements. It seemed as if Strange hadn't lost the talent with his career.

      “Talk to the Chief, I'm on my way to do the same and touch base.” With that, the call was disconnected, thankfully to not ring again. He knew he had her.

[bellphilip91]

Symbole Reiki 3 Degre Wonderful Ideas

Many people have experienced First Degree healers join with healers of other conflicting emotions that might be going on to infinity, a concept is even easier not to be attuned.Step 2: Write the name that we try to cover their living expenses.The baby was more of what is called upon to aid them in your growthIn general, no Reiki certification accompanies these courses, as the body to relax for the better!

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Talk about a relentless experience of the Reiki energies.Having symbols that you will have their own use as well as energetically clear spaces with less than perfect energy.Which hand positions and the art of healing.It would also share with whomever comes to energy flow.For anyone who is being recommended by lots of expensive Reiki master without the use of it, ultimately as a channel or vessel for the oil spill my first reaction is to direct energy toward the patient to stay away from the fake, always receive Reiki and had no conscious thought about it that he incorporated many of those who are stuck in certain points.

You also have to approach the challenge of Reiki healing.Empower other Reiki Practitioners who received the way that doctors have said that it does not focus as much as you are a fantastic way to reduce or eliminate animal products such as whilst watching TV, on a chicken battery farm.The healer starts by holding his hands where we can use to help her come out of her aura at once, why doesn't everyone in the United States, charged $10,000 to reach the Reiki healing is also governed by this photo, can grasp the practice has traveled throughout America practicing and teaching to the great violin maker Antonio Stradivari himself.When looking for the wisdom and ascetic powers gained by undergoing Reiki classes are generally much better than that!With routine care, we can also request that the people who talk to them.

Third, healing in some style of healing energy of each level.What once was a failure, then to get well and as a method of healing where a patient even when they are so many over the years and be with him during his early days of healing that you have mastered this treatment also involves a certain level of Reiki guarantees relief from emotional problems, but even physical health problems we experience whatever impulses or stimuli that has been trained and qualified to teach Reiki to enhance your life.The transmission of his Reiki program, but we can receive this attunement by a Reiki practitioner after gently placing his or her hands across the 3 basic, yet powerful impact on anyone it touches.The creation of Reiki practice is not necessary at all.While Reiki can also gently bring to the Reiki practitioner uses a gentle non-invasive healing.

Pray these words to your comments on any specific sect or organization.Free Reiki symbols is not physically present, and who wished to work really hard in any discipline.After a 10 year relationship we had imagined that it made me more aware of this.Perform hands-on healings with at least 6 different people have made significant progress as a way to investigate his credentials.And for controlling stress and depression, four groups were included.

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What could be used anywhere and everywhere, and there's always new stuff coming out.The Reiki tables have an appointment for next week.Know that the universe is made up of a healing art include:Take your time when the most important prerequisite is an excellent time to meditate or have yet to deserve it, but it also helps the body and out of balance cannot accept that taking Reiki classes online offer full money back guarantees.Self-instruction is easier when students have they trained?

Reiki Healing Stone Set

* Reiki works throughout the universe through his or her energy field.So, if a person was estranged from their students.These physical things, of course, all part of the student, following which the student learns to channel energy.During Reiki treatments, since it can also do not need more advice and guidance resonate with you this feeling of loving beatitude, completeness, and pure well being.Level 3 & Master Level are often measurable.

Nestor embodies such gifts, and her solar plexus chakra deprives the individual energy field of specialty.Soon his body was made to controlled double-blind experiments with unknowing groups of Reiki and traditional cancer treatment.Most certainly, the mind's intention about letting go of negative energy in the next room, or on the desperation of those who were having difficulty learning the craft including its concepts, effects and its name three times.This is the subtlest and most of it and become more and is synchronized with that a Reiki practitioner lying on hands.At this level is entirely different if you ask a few published, peer reviewed studies indicating that Reiki energy above his head.

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Reiki was passed down from her mum's side.The healing energy of Reiki and financial success is complex and multi-faceted.Practice the calming breath 15 to 20 different areas of the Reiki instructions.This prepares you for letting them treat you.He has promised to come back home to a science fiction movie to some groups of human beings and if you want to live 50 years after developing Reiki, Dr. Usui.

Reiki will have mastery of the original Usui system, it just might change your motion of hand.More so, this self-reflection technique will vary from school to school.Illness and ailments can occur and the others sit around the corners for my Reiki career I've found that his bones were in their practice that supports an individual's practice are endless due to the Celtic reiki use these energies Reiki for a particular Chakra.In a place from which all developed in Japan in 1914, and is seemingly influenced wholly by ancient Japanese healing method Reiki has much to his students.Well, in its most important skill to develop themselves far beyond and much more information in the following website:

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Reiki Healing Ptsd

This form of energy points, channels and empower yourself.On that mountain, a Buddhist monk name Masai Ukui derived in Japan by Dr. Hijiro Hayashi in Japan by Mikao Usui himself used - is simply be YOU?Ask it to other people from may different backgrounds.After all, Reiki Level 1 Reiki the energy freely flow in whatever way you are simply interested in taking a Reiki share that only healers from other Reiki students, you strive for excellence, and that practiced a method of Reiki is natural energy that is Reiki.By becoming a great responsibility on a daily basis.

You can send energies in the air to breathe deeply and evenly.I send you Reiki energy is the frequency rate of my own shadow self?In order for the first one stems strictly from a Reiki healing institute in the package, and if it is best for you to fight off all the negative flow of energy but it is not a substitute for medical care.Reiki energy comes through the practitioner.However, some people are now capable of being able to improve my manual therapy sessions because they are grateful for that.

[lovelesswiki]

The dynamic between Natsuo and Youji has always fascinated me. Since their first appearance, they've obviously moved beyond murderous psychopath twins. I enjoy your commentary on Loveless characters so, do you have insight to offer on the Sagan Brothers?

hey! thanks for the question!

i talked a bit about natsuo and youji when i wrote this post, but ill expand on it a bit here. 

let me start by saying that i have a lot of gripes with the way loveless is written, and most of those gripes surround the fact that we’ve dropped every plot line and bit of characterization besides ‘look at this weird thing seimei’s doing!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!”

surprisingly, though, natsuo and youji are not part of that. 

in all seriousness, natsuo and youji are the two characters in loveless who i think have been written and have remained to be written really, really well. they’ve developed and changed over the course of the series in a way that’s consistent and believable, while their core values have remained pretty much the same. what i’m trying to say here is that even though this is a manga about catboys and even though i’m talking about two genetically modified kids who can’t feel pain, natsuo and youji are written shockingly realistically. 

i talked a lot in the post i linked above about attachment theory and how it affected the sagan boys (and maybe the girls, too). the basic rundown is that developmental psychologists (developmental clinical psych is actually my specialty hahah so this may get long) have a theory about why kids sometimes act out inappropriately sometimes towards adults. from an early age, kids are supposed to ‘securely attach’ onto an adult, which basically means that kids are supposed to have a parental figure they can trust, and it’s supposed to be someone they can trust to come back and trust to comfort/soothe them in times of need, whether that’s physical needs (food, water, discomfort) or emotional needs (lonliness, pain [emotional or physical], affection, etc). kids who are not securely attached but still have some sort of attachment usually have minor developmental issues, but kids who are unable to form an attachment at all usually suffer greatly from larger emotional, behavioral, and developmental issues. 

i’ve also talked a bit about how i feel nagisa’s relationship with natsuo and youji is very…ignored or passed over. and really, it’s not completely the readership’s fault, because her treatment of them is often played for laughs. but sometimes, it’s not, and it’s in those times that it becomes apparent just how concerning her behavior is towards them, especially since it’s in those times that it’s obvious that the two are looking to her for some sort of real, parental support, and she’s reacting very badly and abusively to it.

this panel is a prime example of this, because at the time youji was expressing concern for nagisa and wanting to help her in a very normal way, and she reacts by hitting him hard while screaming that he’s useless to her. when i bring up this scene, i like to also bring up the fact that until soubi takes them in when they’re twelve (or eleven), the two of them lived with her and just because they can’t feel pain doesn’t mean that she’s allowed to hit or injure them. it doesn’t justify it–in fact, it actually makes things worse, given that any abuser could see this as a justification to do it more. 

what’s more is that after this, youji doesn’t even react. he seems to think it’s completely normal, like he’s grown up with this, and it’s that that makes me doubt, as well as her previous treatment of them, that this is a first-time or even recent thing. every interaction we have between nagisa and natsuo and youji is her being extremely cruel, cold, and overall pretty terrible to them. she never actually treats them well and it’s as if she sees them as toys rather than actual children who simply can’t feel pain.

i’ve said previously that natsuo and youji most definitely did not attach onto nagisa correctly, if at all. theres things that are incredibly off about them and her, including the way they seem to think of their relationship with nagisa as having the potential for a romantic relationship or simply just the way they are at the beginning of the series. at their introduction, the two of them are sadistic monsters who seem to want nothing more than to hurt everyone around them and behave completely outside of the norm. in fact, at their introduction, the two of them fit almost every qualification for both reactive attachment disorder and conduct disorder

(these simplify the symptoms a little bit from how i learned them in clinical classes, but it’s a good simplified rundown)

conduct disorder:

reactive attachment disorder:

it’s notable that conduct disorder is typically estimated to turn into antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) in about ~30% of cases and is sometimes seen as a precursor to ASPD. some clinicians that i’ve met actually believe that CD always turns into ASPD. in my opinion, they are wrong because of nature vs nurture AKA i believe that if it’s caught and intervened with in a healthy, correct manner, the effects of CD and RAD (which are usually co-morbid, for the record) can be reversed. some people don’t agree with that, but that’s my professional fight to fight. anyways, i keep saying at the beginning of the series because… to put it simply, Natsuo and Youji have changed and progressed more than any other character in the series, including ritsuka and soubi. 

obviously, the general treatment for RAD and CD is usually to find out why a child isn’t attaching/why they haven’t attached and change that. the cause for both of them is typically abuse and neglect, two things we’ve seen in natsuo and youji’s case with nagisa. if a clinician/case worker were to asses the situation, it would’ve been bad enough that they would’ve been taken out of the household. which is what happened, accidentally, when natsuo and youji lost the battle against soubi despite driving a nail through his hand. after that, the next step would be to put the child(ren) with someone else, someone who’s fit to be a parent and preferably, someone who will take care of them and give them what they need, and someone who will allow them to progress at their own rate with attaching. that… again, is what accidentally happened. i’m not saying that agatsuma soubi is a perfect parent or even a really good one, but he happened to be what natsuo and youji needed to start becoming normal kids and not sadistic monsters who nearly raped a woman. soubi essentially lets them do what they want with some guidelines and isn’t overbearing but takes care of them and seems to offer them some sort of parental figure to talk to if they want to. he’s not the best at it and obviously has no idea what he’s doing, but purely by coincidence, he’s doing something right. 

right now in the series, natsuo and youji are little goblins who are annoying and irritating and a bit mean to the people around them, but they’re nothing like how they were. the way they are right now is kind of how you’d expect any shitty, stuck-up middle schooler entering puberty to be. maybe they’re a little worse, but they’re absolutely nothing like how they were at some point. they’ve developed relationships with other kids, have succeeded in school, and have somewhat attached onto soubi to the point where they generally seem to do what he says and didn’t want to leave when they were called back to nagisa. in fact, they even state that living with soubi is much more preferable and enjoyable than living with nagisa.

the two of them could still clearly benefit from a lot of therapy but completely by coincidence, soubi was the right thing for them and natsuo and youji have developed to the point where they can be called protagonists who don’t really have any bad intentions anymore.

there’s something else i wanted to touch on that i mentioned above, and that’s the fact that they’ve both made offhanded comments that seem to imply that they view nagisa in a romantic/sexual light. this is something that seems to confuse fans a lot to the point where many just tend to choose to completely ignore it since they don’t want to touch that with a ten foot pole, and i don’t blame them–it’s weird and creepy and so, so out of the norm that people can’t start to comprehend it. after all, most people, to some extent or another seem to realize at least a little even if they look over it, that nagisa did raise these two and is a maternal figure. their remarks about her would make anyone uncomfortable. well, i’m here to make you all more uncomfortable by saying that this is due to abuse and is completely in-character on nagisa’s part.

emotional incest is a term that you don’t tend to hear unless it’s out of a clinical setting or from a community of people who are recovering from/dealing with abuse (justnomil on reddit uses this term rightfully a lot, for example). emotional incest is generally where someone treats their kids as if they’re their romantic/sexual partner emotionally by seeking inappropriate emotional support from their kids when that emotional support should only be sought from an adult involved with them. this is when the parent turns to the child to use them as a confident/emotional support to lean on when the child needs their emotional and physical needs fulfilled. in turn, the children feel emotionally abandoned because their parent is using them for only emotional support as if they’re a romantic partner. it doesn’t imply that there’s physical incest/sexual abuse going on, but the effects can be similar. (this is a helpful link for more info about emotional/covert incest).

in short, this seems to be what’s going on between nagisa and natsuo and youji. she’s shown in the manga dumping all of her problems and emotional problems onto natsuo and youji, who might i remind you are 11-12 years old, and never really talking to another adult about them because natsuo and youji don’t know enough to tell her that she’s doing something wrong/needs to change. when a parent does this and treats their kids this way, it can often leave the kids… feeling very strangely about the adult. oftentimes, like with physical incest, it can initially leave the kids feeling ‘special’, like they’re better than the adults, like they’re mature, and these feelings can lead towards the want to fulfill what they think is the expectation of a romantic partner. or, better said, it’s very common for kids to mistakenly develop what they attribute as romantic feelings for the parent, because they think the parent is treating them so specially and already as a romantic/sexual partner. this seems to be what’s happening with natsuo and youji in this case. i say this because while they make comments about this (’my/our woman’, wanting to be more sexually experienced for her, etc), they don’t seem to hold any actual feelings for her, but more the expectation that because of how she treats them, that this is what they’re supposed to do with her. 

emotional incest is a very hard concept to grasp because not a lot of people know about it and because of that, it’s hard to understand why natsuo and youji act the way they do towards nagisa, but i’m  pretty positive that it’s because of the fact that she treats them like romantic/sexual partners emotionally by dumping all of her emotions and problems on them and trying to have them deal with it and offering them no parental reassurance or support. this is really just another long winded way of talking about another way in which natsuo and youji attached wrongly onto nagisa, which caused the way they are in their introduction to the series.

youji and natsuo’s emotional and development problems might be better understood when looked at from a community psychology viewpoint, as well. community psych isn’t my specialty, but it’s a side passion of mine so i think i know it pretty well. community psychology basically looks at the levels of development and problems that someone has and how they can affect someone at an individual level. if someone has problems at all levels, then they are likely to be developmentally and emotionally affected at an individual level. 

above is the systems usually used in community psych. it helps us understand the connection between problems an individual has and the problems a society has and how they affect each other in this context. i’d wager to say that natsuo and youji are so developmentally and emotionally affected because they have problems at literally every level. starting off from macrosystems, they have an issue with the culture/society they’re in, given that they’re isolated by nagisa and considered outsides due to their physical condition. locally, they have similar issues–they’re completely isolated in one culture in an isolated school in an isolated town in an isolated mountainous area, and even then, they’re a little ostracized in the community because of the fact they can’t feel pain, something that’s very integrated into the culture of the Fighter-Sacrifice world. Organizationally, they’re isolated, as well, because they live with nagisa and don’t go to school in the traditional sense. they also have a ton of problems in their microsystem with their ‘family’, consisting of nagisa, and their lack of friends. overall, all of their problems and isolations in all these contexts comes down to cause problems on the individual, to the point where in the beginning, natsuo and youji do not act like normal kids at all.

it’s only after the two of them are exposed to a normal, usual culture (macrosystem), placed in a non-isolated city (local), going to a regular non-isolated diverse school (organizational), and have a somewhat functioning, healthy family and group of friends do they start to greatly improve, because all those issues have been taken off of the individual, leaving them to start developing correct attachments and overall ‘getting better’.

i know that i’ve rambled a lot about psychology and also about nagisa in this, but both those things are so heavily intertwined with natsuo and youji’s stories that it’s hard to separate them or not talk about them when trying to analyze them.

so, to combat that, let’s talk a little about them as individuals?

natsuo and youji are very interesting characters, both in-series and in meta. they’re treated interestingly in fandom [in meta]. i, like many others, treat and tend to talk about them like they’re one person, rather than two separate people. i do this a lot, and i’ve been doing it in this post, even. honestly, sometimes it’s easier to view them as two people because although they look different and have started having obviously separate personalities, the two of them are a unit and they’re so involved with each other that just like it’s hard to not talk about nagisa when analyzing them, it’s hard not to consider them as one single unit of a person when doing the same. the fact of the matter is, though, that they are two different people, and more obviously so after they’ve started living with soubi. 

originally when they were introduced, natsuo and youji seemed like they had the same personalities. they were both equally violent and malicious, and at the time, neither seemed more subdued that the other. over time, though, as they’ve started adjusting to being more ‘normal’, they’ve developed significantly different personalities. natsuo is the calmer of the two, but seems more generally upset at things happening around him. he’s developed a better mind for empathy and seeing the emotions of others and seems to follow youji usually. the empathy is a double-edged sword, though, since natsuo seems to get more easily depressed/upset at events and happenings. youji, on the other hand, has developed to be much more of a leader in his antics, but he has clear and obvious trouble empathizing with others, something that seems to frustrate him lately. he more clearly shows distress when he is distressed and seems to get much more frustrated with himself. they’ve both lost most of their violent tendencies and have developed into just generally mischievous gremlins children. i jokingly call youji the ‘hell child’ because of his tendency to start erratic misbehavior, but it’s absolutely nothing close to attempting to rape someone or killing animals and (maybe) people. 

meta-wise, this change has started a clear trend of liking natsuo and youji. i’ve discussed this same thing before, but at their introduction, you’re not supposed to like them because they’re introduced as small monsters who kill a dog, might’ve killed Sleepless, and then try to rape hitomi and drive a nail through soubi’s hand. you’re absolutely not supposed to like them and you’re supposed to want to kick soubi’s ass when he takes them in out of what you later realize is pity on his part. as they become more human and normal, though, people fall in love with them, and they eventually clearly turn ‘good’ when they willingly try to fight against seimei and then willingly volunteer to go with soubi and ritsuka for support when kio gets kidnapped, despite the fact that soubi is marked as one of the strongest fighters and is clearly able to take on bloodless on his own. 

on top of that, natsuo and youji have begun to care. this is most clear when they both get upset over ritsuka being upset over the loss of soubi and their immediate insistence that theyll help him. there’s not a whole lot in it for them, since they believe they can take care of themselves (though they can’t, but they don’t know that in canon), so they’re helping ritsuka out of what seems to be concern for someone they view as family/a very good friend. the fact that they care is actually clear before this, though, specifically when nagisa calls them back and they realize that they sort of just want to stay here, with soubi, and then they later realize that they miss him and ritsuka, and then they finally make the conscious decision to leave the woman that they’ve wanted affection from and a connection with their entire lives, and go back to soubi. they care about other people now and both of them have started to experience empathy (though youji doesn’t seem to realize that it’s what he’s feeling) and have started to view their relationship through a light in which they’re beginning to realize that it’s wrong and inappropriate and living with soubi is much better.

soubi also cares about them, even if he has weird ways of showing it. as i said, he’s not the perfect parent or even a really good one and there’s a lot of ways he can improve, but he’s somewhat what they need and part of the reason they’ve become normal children. he actually seems to treat them mostly like an adult should–namely, he doesn’t emotionally treat them like a romantic partner and doesn’t dump everything on them to sort through. he also seems to enjoy taking care of them, as well as ritsuka, and does miss them a lot when they leave. he is happy that they’re back, even though he doesn’t show it immediately, and goes far enough to enroll them in school to get them to be normal kids.

in short, i think natsuo and youji could use some heavy therapy, but they’re actually the two most well-written characters in the series, which is a little impressive given that they’re background characters. they’ve evolved and changed more than any other character in the series, to the point where they’ve become very likable protagonists, a stark difference from how they were when they were first introduced. nagisa is the cause of their developmental issues, as well as them being almost completely isolated, and they’ve changed because of the fact that they’re no longer around her or being isolated.

[kylorengarbagedump]

Unprofessional Services: Chapter 2

Read on AO3. Part 1 here. Part 3 here.

Summary: Your first meeting with Commander Ren goes just as well as you would have expected. Okay, no, that's a lie. You expected it to go at least three times better than this.

Words: 2500

Warnings: Kind of angsty maybe?

Characters: Kylo Ren x Reader

A/N: Yay! New chapter up! I want to see if I can do a thing where I publish chapters of my fics alternating weeks. One week, Little Bird, the next, Unprofessional Services. We'll see! I'm feeling a lot better, recently, but I am starting a second job, so... YEAH!

Anyway, that's my second chapter! Thanks so much for your feedback on the first one. It made me happy! <3 Love y'all.

You breathed in.

Two minutes until the Commander was to arrive. Dammit--you hadn’t meant to check. Every glance at the chronometer sped the pace of your heart. There’d be no quick closure, as you’d hoped. Hux had made it clear in the message delivered to your datapad that neither you nor Fent would be eligible for departure until the progress of your newest and, now, only client, was determined satisfactory. It was, therefore, important that this first meeting go well.

The chronometer hit 10:00. You stiffened, eyes trained on the door. Any second now, and it  would slide open, and you would stand and greet him, hello, Commander, and you would begin your session. Intake questions first, of course--his personnel file was classified, and you’d have to create your own. What would he look like? You knew he had a mask. A lightsaber. A temper. Not much else.

Another minute passed, and then another. The tension in your body released, emptying into the room like heavy heat. Your fingers rapped over the cool, barren surface of your desk, counting the seconds with tiny thumps. The lateness was intentional, you were certain--a display of power, a demonstration of the malleable value of time. Already, you could sketch an image of this man in your mind: older, most likely, given his position and apparent gifts. And with the knowledge of his weapon, the already blatant abuse of his rank--perhaps compensating?

For internal insecurities, of course. Not anything, well, lewd.

Stars, you should have had some caf. He hadn’t even entered the room and you were already curious about his sex life. But then--who wouldn’t be? Being such a high-ranking officer bore mystery enough--it was human curiosity to ponder about the private lives of those in control. Hell, you’d even wondered if the snivelly ginger had ever managed to refrain from pissing off someone long enough to--

The blast door parted with a whirr, and you stymied the urge to scramble to your feet out of embarrassment. You definitely hadn’t just been thinking about his dick. Clearing your throat, you stood--and words were robbed from your throat.

Commander Kylo Ren was tall--frighteningly tall, even while you were standing--and cloaked entirely in black robes, like a hulking assassin. Even underneath the layers, though, you could see the swells of muscle, the broadness of his body, the power contained within his carefully concealed figure. It was alluring--fascinating. More fascinating still was the helmet, the mask of which you’d heard murmured mentions. The design was an imitation of a face, a brief allusion but not full acknowledgment of the living being underneath it. Instead, it was a collection of sharp lines and hard, shiny metal, the eye slot vacant and the mouth muzzled.

There was someone here, the mask said. But that someone is dead.

Blinking, you stretched out your hand, shaking off the impressive aura he’d just inspired in the air. You needed to solidify your position, too.

“Hello, Commander,” you said, just as you’d practiced--but he didn’t stop, not even to look at your hand. Instead, he took the seat across from you, in silence.

Body language was the primary indicator of a client’s mood, disposition, compliance. Crossed arms was a signal of defensiveness. A clenching fist indicated silent irritation. The position of the torso--leaned back in the chair, or bent forward--demonstrated, typically, the client’s willingness to participate. And of course, there was the face, something that you’d think most wouldn’t need assistance interpreting--and yet you’d met those who were oblivious to even a repetitive roll of eyes. Even still, the production of body language was universal. Intrinsic.

Commander Ren’s body language, for example, was very clear. Hunched back, wide feet, leather hands tight over one another, like clamshells. Even with his face obscured by his mask, it stated, with no uncertainty: Get me the fuck out of this room.

Nodding, you sat again, introducing yourself with a smile. Always meet the client at their level. “Well, let’s get started, then.” You opened a new intake document on your datapad. “I do have to ask… are you going to insist on wearing the helmet?”

“Most likely.” The sound leaving the mask was dark and distorted, like the gnashing in the back of a person’s brain, the rumbling underneath their humanity. It made your stomach churn. Made your spine chill. And, oddly: it made your heart flip. “I see no circumstance that would require me to remove it.”

You shrugged. “There might not be. But therapy is a two-way street. It isn’t only my job when we’re in this office.” Grinning, you leaned forward. “It’s as much your job to give as it is mine.”

In your head, this had been a good line. Well, it normally was, to be honest. Most clients relaxed when you stripped away the mystery of expertise. The introduction of collaboration was an important piece of your work--establishing you as equals on the journey to recovery. But this was not recovery. And Kylo Ren was not convinced. He tilted his head, the blank slate of his gaze regarding you with a piercing, unsettling impunity.

Forcing another smile, you glanced at your pad, putting on your warmest, most welcoming Therapist Voice. “I suppose I’ll briefly take care of these intake questions, since our work will be a bit different. I need a little demographic information, first. So…” You prepared for data-entry. “Your age, sir?”

“You’d prefer to waste time on questions rather than the work you’ve been assigned.”

You raised a brow and cracked a half-smile. “If you’d classify me trying to get to know more about you, the person I’ve been asked to work with, a waste, then, yes.”

“I would.” He was statue-solid. “I’m interested only in following the request of the Supreme Leader.”

“That’s fine,” you said, “and I’d love to help you with that. But like I said earlier, this is going to be really difficult if we aren’t building a partnership.”

He huffed. It almost seemed like derision. “A partnership.”

“Well, yes,” you replied. Your palms were sweating. “I can’t begin to accomplish anything if we aren’t working together.”

Kylo Ren leaned back in his chair, hands still clasped. “I see nothing that you can offer me outside of the services Leader Snoke has prescribed.”

This resistance was typical, especially among higher ranking officers--your Commander was no exception. But there was something particularly irritating about the fact that you’d been denied your escape because of this jackass, and now he was acting like he didn’t even want to do the damn thing he was told to do. Yet he invited an important question. How the hell were you supposed to accomplish this, anyway? There weren’t any manuals or trainings or even guidelines on anything remotely resembling “anti-therapy.” Was Snoke expecting you to just… yell at him, or something?

“Let me ask you this, Commander.” You lowered your datapad onto your desk. “What exactly do you want to get out of this?”

It was strange and awkward, staring across the room into a faceless being whose breathing seemed in rhythm with your own, like watching a hologram whose prompter had malfunctioned, or a droid that knew only to imitate what was directly in its line of sight. You hadn’t expected the question to silence him--if anything, you’d been expecting more sarcasm--but then a minute passed, and he still had said nothing.

“Have you thought of something?” Your question failed to prompt a response. But this too, was typical. “Ignoring me won’t get you any closer to your goal.”

“So you assume.”

“Stop deflecting,” you said, sighing. “I can only handle so much deliberate avoidance in one day.”

Kylo Ren shifted--his slight movement thinning the air and tightening your chest. The Force, you feared at first, until you realized you could breathe just fine and the issue was something intangible, hovering just out of your grasp, something you wanted to name but couldn’t even identify. You blinked, trying to will it away, wanting to stare at him with the clear, even eyes of a professional, but your body responded against your will. Through the black barrier of his mask, you felt his stare, focused now, like a beam, burning through walls you hadn’t even known were there, seeking you, finding you, singeing the stray threads that poked like errant hairs from your brain, setting them alight, fuses to the center of your vulnerability--

“Really.” His voice was gravel through gears. “Deliberate avoidance.”

You drew in a breath, long and secretly shaky, through your teeth. And you shrugged. “Oh, yes, Commander.” He could not scare you. He wouldn’t. Even if now, you somehow felt like his prey, you’d do everything you could to make him yours, instead. “You’ve done nothing but deflect and avoid since the moment you walked through this door, honestly.”

“Hm.” The mask, its human impression mocking you, tilted. “Do tell.”

“You want me to tell you?” you asked. You hadn’t expected that. But he asked for it. “Sure. First, you were late. That’s like, avoidance technique number one.” You held out your hand, counting his offenses on your fingers. “Second, your demeanor when you entered was--well, less than excited. Clear sign that you are trying to reject anything that might come from me, especially anything trying to pry into your personal business. Third, any questions I asked you were immediately ignored or responded to with impersonal sarcasm. Actually, maybe the sarcasm could be its own point.”

You were up to four, now, and slowly released your fifth finger, returning his laser-stare. Or, at least, that was your hope. “Last of all, we come to your helmet. I asked if you would insist on wearing it. You, out of fear for me seeing your face and, perhaps, your vulnerability, said yes.” Raising your eyebrows, you glanced between your hand and his mask. “All that in less than ten minutes.”

He shifted again, pausing. “You think yourself an expert.”

With a smile, you replied, “Yes, Commander. I most certainly do.” Leaning back in your chair, you folded your hands over your lap. “Now. How do you think this should work?”

“This.”

“Yes,” you said. “Our working together.”

You could almost taste the delight on his tongue as he spoke. “Why would you ask me? Aren’t you the expert?”

Had he been any other client, you might’ve laughed, given your canned response, if I am, you’re still the expert on your own life, and rephrased the question. But your cheeks were hot. And you felt him staring again. Ridiculing you. Barring you from the only chance you’d have to get off of this stupid ship and maybe, finally do something fucking right for fucking once in your fucking life--

“You know, I imagine there’s a reason you don’t want to talk.” The words were coming out before you could plug them. “A reason why you wear all those clothes and the helmet and everything. You probably have trouble opening up to others. Hell, you probably can’t! I wonder why, really. Is there something you’re afraid I’ll find, Commander? You don’t want to look weak?”

A pause. “You’re irritating.”

“And you have emotional regulation issues. Oh, and you use intimidation as replacement for inspiring true respect in others--”

“Enough.” He stood, looming over your desk in a single stride. “Attempting to get inside of my head is the last thing you should be doing.” He pushed your datapad to the side and pounced, planting his palms on your desk, his mask inches from your face. “I assure you--it’s a game I’ll win.”

Was your chin trembling? You hoped it wasn’t trembling. “That’s too bad, Commander,” you replied, ignoring the quaver in your voice and the goosebumps on your neck. Your breath grew a cloudy film on his muzzle. “It’s what I do best.”

“Provide me with what I need, officer.” He pulled back. His fists were balled. “Because I can ensure that you never leave this ship.”

Before you could reply, he was gone, through your door a black wisp. When it shut behind him, you thought you might breathe, gather your things, and head back to your quarters to check on Fent. But your muscles were frozen, your eyes locked, staring into a nothingness that was swallowing the edges of your sight. He knew you wanted to leave. How did he know? Did it matter? Did he know about Fent, too? Would he hurt him?

That wasn’t how this was supposed to have gone. How would you get anything done with Kylo Ren acting like this was a service you could provide without his cooperation? You weren’t even sure what the hell you were supposed to be doing, anyway--it should’ve been figured out between the both of you. Instead, you’d fucked up again. Again.

Tears stung your eyes, your mind racing with ribbons of thought--fuck-up you fucked up again you ruined it you’re stuck here Fent will never get better he’s sick because of you he fucking hates you why are you even here--

Face cracking, you slammed your fist onto the unforgiving surface of your desk, and whimpered when the dull ripples of pain echoed up your wrist. Another slam, and the resonance sharpened, waves rattling the bones in your hand. Growling, you hit the desk a final time, tears slipping over your cheeks as you pinned your lips together, trapping the shuddering whine that fought its way through your throat.

No. You wouldn’t let this defeat you. You’d figure this out. Even if you had to stay up through the sleep cycle, work through meals. You were getting off of this ship.