#atleast i had a plan
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why is it easier for some people to think they're good at what they do and harder for other people to believe they have something of value to offer? im struggling and i don't know why
#like for some people selling their art is just another tjing they do#and for me its a huge boulder i cant seem to push aside#genuinely believing i dont know why i exist. no one will ever hire me for a jov#any job for that matter#i literally have no skills#and no plans#and when i rant about myself evrryone is like oh everyone goes through that no one knows what theyre doing with their lives#but atleast youre doing something?????#all i wanna do is go back to feeling bad and suicidal#atleast i had a plan#and a thing to look forward to.#what am i even doing right now?#the uncertainty is so horrible#plus my fear of things makes me so avoidant#it's just something i cant seem to get rid of#sorry for the rant. i pushed everyone away and isolated myself for years so now i dont really have friends i could talk to when things r bad
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hungruy 24/7 ahhhhhhHHHHHH
#ive been eating a lot of fast food because i havent gotten groceries because i havent had time to plan groceries and getting them#because ive been working so many hours and i also havent had time to clean my fridge out#and honestly im kind of afraid of my fridge at this point because it needs like a LOT of cleaning out. there's some nasty shit in there now#usually im pretty good at keeping things tidy in there and in general but i havent set aside time to clean it#and NOW i need to set aside time to DEEP clean it#i literally made myself dinner today and i finished two bowlfuls of my pasta and im STILL hungry now.#and its like okay well im at an impasse. do i make the rest of this box of pasta or do i get takeout or do i brave my fridge#its like fuuuuck#usually i just eat a protein granola bar to soothe the hunger atleast for awhile#one of the biggest upsides and downsides to the testosterone is the hungerrrrrr#ive been gaining weight i think.? its been nice
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seeing a post talking about how "misogynistic" tristamp was, blocking them and then seeing right under that post is a "here's how tristamp was GREAT in portraying female characters" made me giggle
#geraniums.blooming#for the record i think they did great portraying female characters lol#afaik they actually expanded on them#the main gripe of that first post i think was that they apparently made the characters more feminine (no they didn't not what i saw at leas#*atleast#and that the main focus/plan was impregnating the plants and Vash#but like. did we watch the same thing? they very explicitly had Vash fight back and 'win' (win as in got Knives off of him lol)#all of the female characters had their own agency#rem NEEDED to die for a lot of what happened plus fulfilling that sweet sweet (morally ambiguous) mother Mary parallel#honestly just blabbing rn lol
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heres the planning sheets/storyboards i did for my animatics lol
#my art#i think theyre neat to look at atleast lol#its the process man. they kind of suck to do but its better than winging it. lol#sg2 was kind of a lot easier layout wise because a lot of it is heavily referenced from screenshots.#while for gapab i kind of just had to make 90% of it up lol#my improvement in the final products is pretty clear ithink. but i did go a lot harder with the editing on the first one (b4 i got lazy)#anyway i <3 making these but its sooo hard to do with all the horrors happening. im kind of due to make a new one >.< hope so!!agh!!#oh yeah. one more thing. planning instrumental sections SUCKSSSSSSS (this is why gapab has so many empty parts >.<oops)#i have so many songs i want 2 do and then i remember how instrumental-heavy they are and then i die a little...why...#i think im gonna go eat now. i love you. bye
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You really think he did it to avoid punishment. Wow I can't believe this mf. You bastard he did it because his brother died the one he had promised to protect forever.
And this was the last conversation he had with him. (which was also your fault somehow).
And he couldn't protect him.
#I don't expect Sung Joon to understand#coz he thinks everything revolves around him#I wish Yoon Jae had pulled out his tongue when he had the chance#or better yet#killed him#Yoon Jae's revenge plan was so much better#atleast they would have got what they deserved#I wish SH hadn't stood before this guy.#blind kdrama#tvn blind#blind 2022
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I am so fucking scared for Copia after what Saltarian said in the new chapter omgggg
I just developed an emotional attachment to him and now you're telling me he's gonna fucking die???
#i had my concerns after hearing about the copia caligula theory or whatever and now i'm straight up shitting my pants like papa nihil /j#i don't want copia to die yet i love him too much#i'm sure he'll survive atleast until the end of the summer europe tour in 2023 but idk man#nevertheless i'm sure whatever tobias has planned will be great but like. my pathetic little scrunkly rat man ;-;#ghost bc#ghost#the band ghost#ghost the band#cardinal copia#papa iv#popia copia#cardi c
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I know I’m making a joke but you really don’t understand how angry I am at the recent news.
[Video Captions: “Why are you the way that you are? / Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. / I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”]
#just when I finally accepted the fact we won’t get a season three#and I convinced myself everything would be okay because atleast I can rewatch it whenever I want#what does Disney do?#I really just…they are so unbelievable…#just so they don’t have to write it on their taxes?? come on man!#and now they’re going to raise prices?#‘confident that we’re on the right path for streaming’s long-term profitability’#literally what are you talking about??#Not only do you cancel shows that don’t make you immediate money—#now your removing them since they are supposedly taking money out of your billion dollar corporation wallet#and then you proceed to renew the most médiocre passionless projects#your literally sabotaging yourself??#cause guess what if you don’t make the people giving you money happy they’re going to leave and find someone else that can#i even had to cancel plans and stay home because of how mentally and physically draining this news has made me feel#I’m not even trying to be dramatic…just stuff like this hits me hard for some reason#I know I can find the show online somewhere but still.#the people who worked on this must feel terrible…I feel so bad#my sister: it’s like if Van Gogh painted something and tried to give it to the museum and they just tell him#‘no we don’t want any more of your art. and also we’re going to destroy every single painting you’ve made. have a nice day!’ :)#i might talk more about this later but for now I’ll stop…sorry if I made you upset I just needed to get this off my chest#mysterious benedict society#the mysterious benedict society#tmbs
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me when i gotta write a stupid lil research proposal for cat breed behaviour for a bio class but i wanna draw my ocs getting fucked silly till they're mindless dummies
#i cant focus rn lmao#i cpuodve done it earlier but i got sick and my brain and body do not function whne it happens#pain cause i wanted to start doing homework early but my plans were foiled by my immune system#im still sick too#curse you allergies#i know its a bug but my immune system really has started getting worse at dealing with shit quickly#your body really does start slowing down in that factor when you get older 😭#i just turned 20 man#anyways this is giving me an excuse to absolutely go ham on my really old childhood obsession with cats#i used to watch cats 101 and my cat from hell religiously as a kid#atleast once i do this weeks assignements ill be caught up#*sigh* i just want health#im probably deficient in something tbh so tahts probably making it worse#i dunno what i havent had my blood drawn in a long time
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im going to order new glasses today 😫
#ive only had my other ones (which are also my first ones) for 4 year which imo isnt that long but theyve been broken for like a year#and ive had to glue them back together atleast 6 times already#so ill get new ones. but im stressed cause i plan to keep those for at least 4 years too#and also it will be weird to have something different on my face#anyway. the good news is that my eyesight hasnt worsen since last fall#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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guess who ended up sick right before the one break they have in a week - _ -
#like can u not???#i had plans!#i ain't got time to be sniffling#already got classes tmrw i can't skip#gotta save my leaves for when i need em#and im not even home!#this strip of paracetamol better get me through everything istg#i wanted to catch up on the shows and get studying done but now it's just 24/7 raging headache with bonus cold shivers#atleast wake up at ass o clock in the morning classes tmrw#but i can already tell the overhead noon sun will end me#atleast i have the cherry magic movie downloaded#adachi and kurosawa should have healing powers based on how adorable they are#zatxt.
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It's happening
Im self sabotaging again, as I've done all my life
This is a vent, you have been warned
#all happiness i had from the date has completely died out#I don't know what happened nor what to feel#up to yesterday she was messaging me for simple things with a couple pet names and just being lovely#yet today when we finally see each other again? colder than the fucking stone she's never been this cruel before#im totally willing to be with her in the good and the bad...but it's hard to do when anything you do gets completely rejected or ignored#i knew that this was a possibility of course but with how perfect everything was i don't understand i truly don't#im confused and on the verge of crying but I've been holding it back the whole day...the better the thing the worse the consecuence i guess#thank fucking god im no longer suicidal (i mean depression is always there but i can fight it now) because this would've surely left a scar#I just don't understand anything... why is this even happening where did i go wrong and how can i even fix it#thing is: although I'll definitely end up blaming myself i do know it's also something on her end#atleast in these moments of sanity i don't feel that guilty yet but I'll be dying in these following times#...guess this does confirm that it's not a simple crush but actual love right? because I've never felt this hurt before#like i don't give up and I don't plan to because with her i have experienced some of the happiest moments of my entire life#i know it's worth it... but i don't know how much more i can keep taking before crumbling apart#ah. this is why refused to let myself fall for someone again until a long time but that attempt was poorly executed#again though. what I've lived with her will stay on my mind and... if it comes to the worst I'll atleast treasure the memories i could keep#anyways ill end this here. i needed some venting because everything is aching right now but this does help even if just a little#vent
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if you ever think something's impossible think again because i just spent the last 3 weeks in a house with 3 other ppl who all got covid and somehow managed to get by without getting sick once
#i have no idea what my odds were but they sure as hell weren't high#but in all seriousness the past few weeks have taken the biggest physical and mental toll on me#i think it hit me the hardest once my sister tested positive#because up until that point my parents were the only ones who were sick#but then a week later she was positive and i kinda lost any hope that i would be fine#and geniunely i still have no idea how i managed#i ended up having to sleep in the basement since i share a room w my sister#and i think i washed and rubbed my hands to the point of no return#like for real i couldn't even move em at one point#im still forever thankful we were atleast all fully vaccinated w booster shots too#because even then i was suprised at just how sick everyone got#i woke up the day after my sister got sick and just went to the kitchen and cried for a while#because i geniunely didn't think i could take care of everyone while keeping myself safe#the sleep i got was absolutely nonexistent#and even though its been at least a week since everyone's tested negative consistently#i dont think the paranoia i have around getting sick will be gone anytime soon#on a seperate and maybe more selfish note#it does kinda suck that i lost a majority of my last summer before uni to covid#considering we all had plans and stuff we wanted/needed to do during july#but i guess i'll kinda just have to figure out how to do everything this month#getting prepared for uni is terrifying stressful and yet somehow exciting#even though im not moving or anything theres still so much i gotta do#i also really want to make the most out of the summer i have left#which includes drawing again.. seeing as this month is probably the last chance i'll get for a REALLY long time
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agh.mmn I can't wait to be away from real life I am. Very bluh.
#don't let them see this!#i am really enjoying this hangout and i like spending time with him but#i was hoping id be able to. do things#this weekend#because ive been surrounded by so many but oddly lonely? i dont understand#and it is hard to act like this and i keep being very violent and i dont want to be#i am very tired of this stuff#all i want to do is fall over and be a Little Fellow#and charles finally wanted to make plans this weekend after silence so long but no i judt had to be busy nearly every goddamn day this week#and i cant even work on the minecraft world and someome else is sleeping in my room!!#i had to rearrange my nest!! i hate this!!#and now the house has a bunch of people staying in it#i really wish i could be held agh. i have been nonstop tired every day this week and i was hoping i could cool down thisnweekend but plans#immediately#and stress and i am Dying Dead#and then i have exams in literal days that i planned on studying for this weekend!! genuinely!! i made plans!! fuck!!#i want to cry!! and puke from sorrow!! my legs hurt and i feel so emotionally tired and worried#i have been so physically affectionate today its gross!! i hate that!!#i want to be alone in my nest agh#i really want to yell and be sngry at someone because then i can be alone or atleast get anger out#ive been saying things i Never Would rghhh#sleeping has been awful lately and ive been nonstop having dreams and i hate dreaming#i would take sleep paralysis over dreaming any day#i hate being percieved as the meaty me!! because thats not me and whoever speaks will never be me and i finally got to speak a little and it#felt so right!! and i loved it!! but it was so little and i Cant be me and i hate being this! and i hate this awful body holding me back!!#why is it so hard to live??#i enjoy sleep paralysis So Much.
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me: on the verge of having a panic attack in the toronto airport bc my impulsive barely planned trip is impulsiving and not going according to.. vibes (i cant say plans bc deadass what planning?)
team go rocket grunt at the pride flag pokestop: you don't belong here, go home!
me: bitch do not tempt me!!!
#hahahahahaha why am i like this#mine#personal#actually adhd#adhd problems#this is why i travel with other people#i cannot plan properly to save my fucking life#im staying with a friend#but shes out of town rn bc she thought i was staying the first couple of nights with my bestie#so anyways#moral of the story is i currently have nowhere to stay tonight🙃#pls send thoughts and prayers#or dollars#ya boi has like $500 to last me the next month and it kinda looks like atleast $200 of that is going towards accomodations#pls help#tw mental illness#also thats not the only reason im on the verge of a panic attack; im also kinda near where my shitty abusive ex used to work!#and seeing him is like numero uno on my list of worst case scenarios for this trip#so#yeah#but my seatmate on the plane was really nice!! we chatted most of the way from van to toronto:-)#and one of the flight attendants had they/them pronouns and looked like a nb tilda swinton#so like you win some you lose some lol
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highly regret not picking up the vhs player i saw at the thrift store last time i was there ...
#it had an attached dvd player that it said was broken and only the vhs player worked and i was like ehhhh i could get one with both working#i didnt want to get them in separate pieces#now im like ........ well it wouldnt a been that bad....#it wouldn't have been too much of a hit if this thrift store was closer but its 30+ minutes away#so its atleast an hour there and back and last time i went i got lost on the way home cause i never went out that far from home x__x#BUT its so cool there cause like everyone who works there is trans and they've got a trans flag in the window and they're nice there#when i have stuff to donate i always donate it to them cause i'd rather support their shop#and i like to pick atleast one thing up from there when i go#definitely wanna plan a visit there again .. to donate stuff and shop around#i've gotta round up the last set of stuff i'd like to donate for awhile. i still have a liiiiiittle bit of stuff i want to donate#and i'd rather do it in one trip
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head in hands I have not worked on that tatsumi drawing in 10 days it is never getting finished (it will but I will be screaming and crying the entire time)
#I had planned on doing multiple shots from the mv but. considering how this is going maybe not#atleast for now I'll do more before the end of the year I hope
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