#sorry for the rant. i pushed everyone away and isolated myself for years so now i dont really have friends i could talk to when things r bad

[anervousmirrorball]

why is it easier for some people to think they're good at what they do and harder for other people to believe they have something of value to offer? im struggling and i don't know why

[legendarynightmare-stuff]

The story of my complete decision to become an apostate.

To start things off I had better give a little bit of context. I am Mormon. Born and bred. I have been taught since out of the womb the gospel of our church. I have grown up in the church, and like every other Mormon child I went to nursery, primary, young woman's and Sunday school. Unlike many of these children though was my hatred of church. I hated being touched by strangers, I hated being forced to stand up in front of every one on fast Sunday and say words my dad had written for me. I hated church in general.

I figured I would grow out of it, because anyone who has been raised in the church knows nothing exciting happens until you turn twelve and become "important". I did in ways. I became very close friends with another Mormon girl and if we were still part of each other's lives, I would have invited her to prom this year. That's besides the point though. Anyways. That friendship helped me attend church with a better attitude. Then my family moved. The church we now attend is considered a branch. I tiny little church where me and my siblings are the only youth. It's isolating and depressing. To help us with this loneliness my parents took me and my older brother to activities and dances. Often having to drive over an hour to spend time with youth that made me feel inferior and even more lonely.

As I got older my faith has shaken. Hard. And it's been a horrific experience. I excepted that I was not straight a few summers ago and admitted tearfully to my mother that I supported the LGBT community. That's as close to telling her I have gotten. The hatred towards LGBT people made me feel isolated, confused, and frankly angry. How dare a church that preaches kindness shun so many. That wasn't the only thing though. As I mentioned before, that while I enjoyed the dances and activities I hated being around these youth that walked around like missionaries constantly and spewed scripture verses at any moment. I started to hate the culture of the church. Even my own little isolated branch where I know everyone and everyone knows me.

I've fought with myself for months as this realization washed over me, as I began to challenge the teaches burned into my mind. I learned quickly that questions should be carefully curated before being asked or you will never receive an answer. I have had to fight with the shame and fear of losing my trust in the church. It's been a battle as I hold back from shoving my opinions of the church on my younger siblings, and showing my defiance to the teachings I no longer feel are as true as said. But then a fireside happened one night and my views of the church hit an all time low.

This fireside was unlike any I had ever attended. It was a multistake fireside and everyone was excited to go, because there was going to be two apostles visiting our little unnoticeable state. Me and my sister were the only ones attending that night. The chapel was full as was the cultural Hall. Full to brimming. People were standing sitting on the floor, and on the stage. Anywhere they could. Me and my sister got seats in the very back row. The meeting wasn't all that impressionable. It was hot and crowded and I wanted to go home. Towards the end of the meeting the apostles said they would pass a microphone around for the youth to ask them questions. Most of them were questions about the apostles ministering and other church related questions. As the time was growing to an end I noticed a not sitting on the stage with his hand held high bouncing up and down to get the attention of the person holding the mic. I hoped he would get it, and wished he hadn't.

They finally noticed him and he got the mic. He stuttered as he spoke and what he said broke my heart. He talked about how he had autism and how he was bullied relentless at school. He spilled his feelings of loneliness and thoughts of hurting himself. He asked, implored, begged for relief. He pleaded for peace of how he could feel peace. I expected the same gentle replies the other youth had gotten for their questions. I expected the same calm loving guidance. Instead this man who this little boy had spilled his pain to said,

"perhaps if you were not so selfish and focussed on others instead of yourself, you would find peace."

Fury. Pure unadulterated fury poured into my veins and sizzled in my mind. I could not believe that that was all this man could give this boy before going on a speal about how service will bring you happiness. I was beyond mad. Still am. The boy left heart broken and overwhelmed. I should have gone after him but I was a stranger.

When are parents came and picked us up I screamed and cried and ranted over the boy. I was so angry, so disgusted. My parents seemed sympathetic my mom assuring me that they were just human like the rest of us. Once I was calm enough to think this excuse was enough for me. However as I think about it more the more I don't agree.

Humans make mistakes. We say dumb stuff. Do dumb stuff. But. The reaction given to the boy was completely inhuman and cold. He did nothing to comfort this hurting child, simply pushed him away with a church approved message.

I don't know why the apostle responded to the boy in this way. I took nothing spiritual away from that fireside. Only a burning desire to fight for youth like this boy to be seen, and another hole in my already crumbling foundation.

This was long. And I'm sorry for that. But if you read it all the way through if you have any questions, ask away.

I actually posted this on queerstake awhile back before a found the community I truly feel a part of. This happened last summer and I haven't be "Mormon" since then. This was cruel inhumanity, and the other youth were too enamored to see a high standing church leader that they didn't realize how disgusting this was.

This was a deadly mistake, and one that will cause damage.

Again, as usual, fuck the LDS church

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My personal connection with Taylor’s discography, part two: Right Where You Left Me

Basically this is just a series I’m doing where I write down my feelings on what each of the Taylor songs means to me personally. Part one was my relationship with It’s Time To Go, which you can find here.

Before we get started with this one though, I just want to mention how much I love this song, even outside of relatability. While I do prefer Taylor’s ‘mature’ voice nowadays, the fact she tapped into her ‘fetus Taylor’/RED era voice in an album filled with her ‘mature’ voice to show that she’s stuck at an age that no longer suitable/where she’s meant to be adds a lot to the song. Likewise, the urgency she uses when saying ‘Help!’ because it feels like an emergency to her makes me want to scream every time I hear it.

Anyway, with that being said, this is how I personally relate to this song.

Right Where You Left Me

As a whole, this song is one of the most relatable songs of Taylor’s for me right now. It is somehow comforting, yet also reads me like a book. It is also one of the many songs Taylor has written that I relate back to the trauma of losing my family. Specifically, Right Where You Left Me feels like a vocalisation of what I feel on the worst of days where I do not feel strong enough to go on alone and just want them to come back. Because of this, Taylor’s ‘immature’ voice adds even more to the song as the situation it relates to in my own life makes me feel like a child crying out for their parents to help them.

Friends break up, friends get married

Basically I’m at this part of my life where it feels like all my friends are hitting these milestones that not only do I not feel close to hitting, I just have no interest in hitting them because I’m too focused on what happened with my family.

Strangers get born, strangers get buried

In the last year or so, I found out through facebook that I am an aunt and via the phone that my grandfather, someone who called me their favourite grandchild, had died. These are people who should in theory mean the world to me, but instead, they were born/died strangers to me, as will any other members of my family. And as a result, I felt nothing hearing the news.

Trends change, rumors fly through new skies. But I'm right where you left me. Matches burn after the other

Time has passed, but I still stuck in that moment, so much so that things that used to catch my interest no longer phase me.

Pages turn and stick to each other

A lot of people have spoken about how this song is about trauma, but I feel like this line is often left out of the conversation when it’s perhaps the most obvious show of it. When you’re traumatised, time all blurs together and as a result, you often find yourself in a position where you’re questioning how you even got there or feeling like you’ve missed part of the story. And part of this goes with my friends’ lives too. Like it feels like I am so stuck in the moment my family fell apart that I wake up some days noticing my friends have made these achievements that I didn’t even know they were working up for despite them telling me things I just do not remember. In non-traumatised terms, it’s almost like being invited to a wedding where you thought the bride was still single.

Wages earned and lessons learned. But I'm right where you left me

Obviously life has still gone on for both myself and my family. None of us have just stayed in bed for almost six years doing literal nothing, at least from what I know. I’ve started and finished my degrees, assumingly my family has gone to work etc and I’ve been able to reflect on what went wrong and why not to trust them again. But despite that, it still feels like just yesterday that this all went down. The damage losing my family has done is and may always be a fresh wound.

Help, I'm still at the restaurant, still sitting in a corner I haunt cross-legged in the dim light. They say, "What a sad sight"

Continuing from the above, I am still traumatised and don’t really know how to move past this. And while most of my friends have tried to help, there’s nothing they can realistically do but say that they’re sorry that it happened.

I swear you could hear a hair pin drop right when I felt the moment stop. Glass shattered on the white cloth

Christmas Day 2015. Before then my sister had been in a two year cycle of running away but coming back for special events to get gifts. So when she didn’t show on Christmas, I knew she wasn’t coming back. Also the moment I read the facebook messages from my extended family stating that they’d rather I starve and be homeless than speak to my father about helping put the family back together.

Everybody moved on. I stayed there. Dust collected on my pinned up hair

Again the continuation of the idea that it feels like everyone around me has moved on and done amazing things and I’ve just sat here, achieving nothing.

They expected me to find somewhere, Some perspective. But I sat and stared right where you left me

My family falling apart was one of those ‘everyone knew before me’ moments. Like friends of mine have flat out pointed out that the signs were there from when I was like ten. And yet, part of me held on thinking that anyone in my family would come back and fix things someday.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

Again, so much time has passed since then and everyone else (barring my mother) seems to have moved on, leaving this trauma behind as just a memory and yet it feels incomprehensible that this happened and that I was meant to do anything afterwards until this got sorted.

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy, how it was supposed to be

I still spend so so much time wishing things were different and imagining all these different events in our lives that the other should be at and how it should have been even though I know at the end of the day that just breaks my heart worse when I am forced to reconcile that that’s never going to happen.

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

I spent two years truly believing my father would eventually realise how messed up the situation was and reuniting my sister and extended family with me, my brother and/or mother even though he had the means to do so the whole time but didn’t. Or that my sister would come home on her own at 18 knowing mum couldn’t set boundaries anymore. Or at very least, one of the extended family would call and ask how they could help. Like I had zero reason to have faith in these people anymore, and yet I sat around like a delusional idiot truly thinking that 2015 wasn’t the end for my family.

Breakups happen every day, you don't have to lose it

In an attempt to either make me feel better or just move past the subject, I’ve had people in my life constantly compare it to their siblings who came back or their parents divorce where they still speak to both parents or just generally telling me that I’ve gotta forget them and just move on to be okay. And while well meaning, it has just felt more isolating and like they want me to just shut up for their sakes, even if they don’t mean it to. As a result, I’ve been left to fester more about it, because outside therapy, I have nowhere to put that energy. And as someone who feels like they can “infodump”/rant and then move on, at least for a while, it’s the most frustrating thing.

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy and you're sitting in front of me at the restaurant when I was still the one you want, cross-legged in the dim light. Everything was just right

While it was not the last day I had with her, the last positive memory I have of my sister was when the three of us went to Merimbula, my then favourite place in the world, to visit my grandmother in January 2015. It was the time in my life where I was the happiest, both with myself and how the rest of my life was going, and felt that everything was going to work out. We had just moved my sister to a different school away from the people who were pushing her to act out (they later transferred to the same school :/), I was about to start my degree, I felt the most recovered from my PTSD, Bipolar and Eating Disorder than I ever had and I felt the most loved I ever had, both by my family and others. Looking back at the photos from that trip, I also noticed that it’s the only photos I’ve smiled in and the most huggy I’ve ever been towards my sister and father.

I could feel the mascara run. You told me that you met someone

This line specifically feels aimed at my father and the moment in 2017 he told me that he’d rather stick with my sister and allow her to do whatever she likes than stand by my side and try to reconnect the family and I realised that that was never going to change.

I'm sure that you got a wife out there, kids and Christmas. But I'm unaware ‘cause I'm right where

Like I said, I know I have a nephew that I’ll never meet now. I know my younger cousins are probably getting married and having these other events, but I’m never going to be part of that and I can’t even comprehend having those events for myself after what happened. The specific mention of Christmas also feels like a kick in the guts not only as the day that I realised my sister wasn’t coming back, but that was the main time we saw everyone from the extended family and would literally spend like 12 hours at my uncle’s place for the day.

I cause no harm, mind my business

Again, I just cannot find it in myself to do anything anymore. I don’t get involved in things I used to, I don’t make new connections and I can’t bring myself to explain what happened. I just go through the motions of living the same day, over and over.

If our love died young I can't bear witness

Quite frankly, I’ve pushed this shit so far to the back of my head because I just cannot face the pain, even after all this time. Like taking a ‘out of sight, out of mind’ approach and trying to rationalise it to myself that everyone else was right and this was inevitable is the only way I’ve been getting through each day because the alternative is that none of this had to happen but still did.

And it's been so long. But if you ever think you got it wrong I'm right where you left me

This is the child in me screaming out and begging me to reach out to them on the bad days that I want them all back and can’t do this alone.

You left me no, you left me no

The disbelief. Like none of this can be real. Like my father and extended family couldn’t have decided a broken family was better than the work it takes to fix one, right? My mother can’t be so torn up in her own grief that by her own accord, has admitted she will never love me, right? It just all cannot be real. But it is.

You left me no choice but to stay here forever

And to finish off, we have a triple meaning line.

The father version: By manipulating events and turning my mother, brother and I into the villains, he has forced us into a future where we do not have family. He has brought on grief to my mother that I am expecting her to die at her own hand soon. And he has left me living in my fantasies of what could have been.

The mother version: Within her own grief, my mother is living in a mindset where anyone wanting to move on from this and have a life is selfish and is herself constantly talking about it and giving ultimatums to listen to and agree with her or refuse to pay bills, which I need her to do as someone who is financially dependent on her. Ironically, she also shuts down any inkling that my brother and I have been affected by this to the level she has and refuses to entertain us talking about that in the household. Both of which mean I am forced to relive this over and over without the recovering aspects that I need.

The me version: Basically the combination of the two above. Because I have not been given the chance to recover in the way I need and do not have an outlet outside of therapy to properly work through this, I am forced to relive the events with myself each night just to try and make sense of it all. Further, the trauma has hit so deep that again, even the idea of starting new relationships whether they be familiar, romantic or platonic seems both unworthy of my attention and horrifically terrifying because it still feels like I am unloveable because if my own family, the people who are meant to love you forever, have abandoned me, why would anyone else stay?

[themanicroom]

Buckle up friends. She’s a long one. 

Today was another rough day. Back to my previous post, my state of mind and behavior is heavily dependent on the ones around me. I was ok until I noticed that my partner’s mood changed. They weren’t in a bad mood, just not as lively as they were. 

The thoughts kicked in. Did I do something wrong? Is there a reason they’re acting like this? I worked up the courage to ask what was wrong. I was told they were tired. Ok. I can deal with that. 

Then, while I was in the middle of making dinner they went to bed. No goodnight to the kids, didn’t tell me they were going to bed. Just disappeared into our room. Now, I’m in a state of taking it personally. I feel upset, and insulted for no good reason. 

My youngest asked me to go get them for tuck ins. All I could say, was sorry baby they’re already asleep. I got the same look of disappointment from her as I do most nights. 

I try to be understanding, especially considering I myself struggle to get out of bed some days, however I’m finding more and more frequently I become irritated or resentful. 

I find myself more and more looking for that white picket fence. Mom and dad (step-dad) going to work. Putting the kids to bed together. Making dinner together, or taking turns. 

Right now I feel like I’m holding up the weight of everyone in this house. I feel like I hold the weight of everyone’s wellbeing and mental health when I can barely handle the weight of my own. I feel like if I crumbled tomorrow, this household would crumble with me. 

I feel like that thought alone is enough to make me collapse, yet I keep going. I barely make it some days. 

I find myself reflecting more and more on my past relationship with the father of my children. I do not miss them, not in that way I guess. They were what I like to call an enabler. They willingly put up with my shit because they loved me so unconditionally it hurts me to even think of it. I did so much damage to that man from being so self destructive and yet he was still there after every stunt. 

I could treat him like complete and utter garbage, and he would tell me it’s ok. It’s the illness. This is what I mean by an enabler. I was never forced to take any sort of accountability with him. 

The man I’m with now is the complete opposite. If I’m being honest, he was so good for me when we met. He forced me to take accountability. He forced me to recognize whether I had an illness or not, I am still responsible for my actions and how I treat others. 

I truly have come a long way because of him. 

But then I can’t help but wonder, did I destroy him too? He had goals. A job. Savings. He bought himself nice things. He was so picky about cleaning, and had such a high standard due to his upbringing. 

Now, I can barely get him to move from his desk. Or he’ll hide away in our room some days. We had a very toxic start to our relationship, and have had some very bad moments since then. There are trust issues on both sides, him more so than I, I believe. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beyond warranted, but I don’t know how to move past it. 

I’m trying so hard to better myself, and look after myself so I can be heathy for my family. I just don’t know how to do so when I feel like I have to coach my partner into doing it for themselves as well. How do you remedy your own wounds when you’re constantly using any healing energy on them?

The father of my children may have been an enabler, but at the end of the day he still showed an interest in his family. He was more than up for multiple trips to the park in a day. He was up for my unorganized last minute ideas that rarely ever worked out. Honestly, he was just along for the ride and he never had a complaint about it. 

We constantly had friends over to our place just to game, or hangout. Now, I haven’t had a friend in my home to hangout with my partner and I in approximately 4 years. 

I feel isolated. I feel like anytime I leave the house my partner is so stressed and anxious about it. They have never told me this is how they feel, this is just me assuming by their behaviors, and that doesn’t mean I’m right by any means. I’m constantly feeling guilty when I take too long doing groceries, or going to visit a friend. 

When they do go to bed early, or they sleep in on a day that I’m not working I drive. I get out of the house and just drive with my music. It feels so nice to just get out of the house and not have that weight and guilt. It’s truly nothing that they did to make me feel this way, it’s just... a feeling. 

I know it’s not fair of me to compare these two people. They are just two separate times in my life. Even now, I’m a completely different person compared to who I was then. I just feel like I’m going through life alone sometimes, like I’m just barely scraping by. I don’t know how to tell my partner these things. Every time I try to have a discussion about things like this, I feel guilty like I’m being demanding. Like I’m asking for more than they can give. I want to be fair, but push them towards better things like they did for me, I just can’t seem to get a grasp on how to do that. 

So instead, I hold it all in and talk to my counsellor once a month for an hour and hope that will be enough to get me to the next session. 

If anyone made it this far into my rant, and vent session I applaud you. I feel like this has needed to come out for a while, and I’m not even skimming the surface. I truly am happy in my relationship, this is just the struggle that I myself am facing with my thoughts and emotions. 

I constantly feel the need to remain strong, to remain emotionless (although that one is a bit more difficult) and remain stable in order to keep my partner happy. I just don’t know how much longer I can continue to do so. 

[luobingmeis]

okay so bc i need to vent and also bc we all know the old song and dance of “jords is unable to vent post anywhere else,” i’m just gonna rant under the cut and i apologize to mobile users if mobile fucks up the read more :/

also i’d appreciate it if this wasn’t reblogged

also also feel free to ignore

i feel like i’ve kinda just officially hit a point in my life where, for the most part, things are not good or, at the very least, stagnant

like, it’s so easy for me to get sad and stressed and it’s, like, almost every day. like, i think the only day that i haven’t gotten down was wednesday bc it was my birthday, but even then, i kinda had to Work On It

and, like, beginning of september, things were alright!! but then, u know, all good things must come to an end

and i feel like i’ve been like this for months but honestly idk (tho, tbh, i think may and june were iffy, july was bad, august was exhausting [i think idk i can’t really remember but i also know parts of august were bad], the first two weeks of september were good, and now things feel consistently bad)

and like. things so easily set me off now?

and i feel tired and a bit sad and stuck and suffocated and, honestly? really lonely, and like it’s my own doing. like, i feel like i’ve just completely isolated myself

and tbh i think that’s why found family tropes always make me a bit sad underneath all the love bc i feel like i dont have that like everyone else does. like i have friends and best friends but i feel like i’ve just been pushing some of my closest friends away bc i rarely have the energy for shit anymore??? like idk, just last weekend, two of my best friends were home and i love them so much but i was so tired and so bad last weekend that, like, within an hour or two, i’d be ready to go home. and i still had fun!!!! but there was a part of me with this underlying exhaustion

and swim is kinda fucking me up bc i do love swimming and i love being on the team but i never want to go to practice anymore and the season only just started and i’m already waiting for january to come and for the season to end which is Bad bc i don’t wanna rush swim season and ik that i love it but i’m just,,,, so tired and unmotivated all the time and idk

and then with schoolwork, i feel like i just can’t do it anymore. i procrastinate on everything that i do. last year, i would be doing homework for hours every day to get everything done early and, last night, i nearly had a breakdown over having to do a discussion post (for readings that i did not do) and almost emailed my teacher at 10pm to ask for an extension

and, like, once i get my work started? i’m going!!! i’m doing it and it’s decent!!!!! but it’s the getting there that sucks, bc it takes me so long now

and i feel so pressured to do well and get a 4.0 again and just do everything perfect but i can barely bring myself to do shit anymore that i just feel like i’m going to let everyone down and people are going to realize really quickly that i can’t do all that i’ve wanted to

also my memory has been so bad lately and like!!! shit’s wild

and my sleep schedule is so fucked and i need to fix it bc i’m getting, like, on average, 5 or 6hrs a night, which isn’t enough for me, but like!!! i can’t get myself to be going to bed before 11 or 12. sometimes it’s bc i don’t want the next day to happen, and sometimes it’s bc i say that i’ll go to bed earlier and then i just don’t

also i have so many fun things coming up in the next week and being excited is so hard. like tm i’m going out for a very nice dinner w/ my parents for my birthday and, in my mind, it’s just like another Task i have to do. i have the taz and mbmbam shows next week and i am excited for those but my stress is currently outweighing my excitement

and like, all in all, things feel so shit rn like it feels like every day i’m making dumb posts like “ahaha time for sad o’clock” or whatever bc i can’t take myself seriously even tho i so badly Want To be taken seriously but!!! idk

like basically i’m at the point where if, like, every single week is like this, idk what i’m gonna do bc i’m not gonna be able to handle that

and also i feel stagnant and stuck and isolated and i feel like it’s all on me but like. idk how to fix that!!

anyways this is my rant post and it’s very embarrassing and i’m sorry if you stuck around to read all of this bc this basically became a pity party for myself bc i can’t talk to the people i care abt in my life abt my issues but i sure can scream into the ether as strangers read on. so, like, yeah.

[wakandan-flowerz]

Our Love In Color Finale

A/N: I can’t thank you all enough. This has been an incredible journey and you guys made it more than I ever thought it would be. I may revist this AU in the future just to do one shots but, this is the “end” of the series. Again...there are only so many times I can say thank you. For the last time in this series, the reader is black and plussized.

Warnings:...I’ll let you be surprised 

Translations: yam ivu- my rose, umkhulu-grandpa

“Tuma.” Afia called as she walked into the Chief’s quarters.

“Sister?” he said, turning around.

“I’ve gotten Baba out of bed and fed. I was hoping you could be at lunch today.” She said.

“Yes, I’ll be there.” Tuma sighed. There was a silence. “He hasn’t gotten any better.”

“No. I don’t expect that he can.” Afia said, sitting on the foot rest in the room. “None of us saw her going so…suddenly.”

Tuma sat next to her sighing. Afia started to shudder. She leaned into him as he opened his arms. They shared a hug as Afia sobbed. “I miss her so much. I miss Mama.” She cried.

“I know. I do too.” Tuma said. “Everyday.”

Zuberi sat outside with his wife as their twins ran in the yard. “Zuberi, my love.” His wife said as he handed him his teacup. “How are you today?”

“Mentally preparing myself.” He said. “I have lunch with them today. Their anniversary is two weeks away. Or was.”

“Zuberi, I’m sorry.” She said.

“It’s fine, usana.” He said. Zuberi shook his head as he shrugged. He fell silent as he looked over his porch at the scenery. He looked up to the sky, a crisp blue and sniffed. “I just…he did that to himself after she…”

Zuberi’s wife took the seat across from him, taking his hand. He leaned forward as his face contorted. “Zuberi, please.”

“I don’t understand.” He whimpered.

“I know, my love.” She said. “I know it’s hard on all of you. But, you have to remain positive.”

“How? Mama…she’s not here. And Baba, he took…” Zuberi started.

“Sssh.” His wife hushed him as she brought him in and held him close. He silently fell apart as he nuzzled himself in her shoulder.

Wekasa took a deep breath and walked into the room. He nodded at the servant, reading aloud and motioned for her to stop. He cleared his throat as he walked around the chair of his father. “Baba, Afia planned a lunch for us. I’ve come to take you.”

M’Baku grunted as he began to stand. He leaned on the cane they gave him. Wekasa offered his hand as M’Baku started to hold his hand out reaching. He couldn’t help but stare at the wrapping over his father’s eyes, faint glimpses of scar peeking from under the bandages. He grunted as he took a step. He moved the cane around feeling where he was going. Wekasa took slow steps as he guided his father out of the room. “Are you having a good day, Baba?”

“Good? What would be good about any of this?” He growled. Wekasa pressed his lips together holding in a response. He sniffed, holding himself together, in fear he’d come undone in this hallway as he did when he learned of the tragedy that befell his family.

Afia set out her father’s place as Bosede and Tuma appeared to have a light-hearted conversation in the front of the room. The doors opened as Wekasa and M’Baku walked in. “Hello.” Afia said, sounding upbeat.

Wekasa gave a small smile as he stepped into the room with M’Baku. “Baba, you are going to be at the head of the table across from Tuma.” Afia said.

“No.” M’Baku said. “That is your mother’s seat.”

“But, Baba…I’m sure Mama would…” Bosede started but, M’Baku raised his voice.

“It is your mother’s seat!” he yelled.

The room went still as they looked at their father. “Okay.” Afia said. “We have room, its fine.” Afia quickly and somewhat shakenly moved her father’s placemat and put him in a new seat.

During the lunch, the siblings glanced at their father, awkwardly. They insisted in helping to feed him but, he’d push their hands away from him and fumble with his silverware. They tried having conversations but, M’Baku would either not respond or make hushed comments that didn’t have much to do with the conversation. His children weren’t sure what to do or say. M’Baku had good days and bad days, today just wasn’t the best of them.

Afia cleaned the table with some of the servants until Wekasa walked in. Afia looked at him with sympathetic eyes. They hugged each other before going to the balcony and sitting in the cool air.

“I still don’t understand why he did it.” Wekasa said.

“He loved Mama. With everything he had. And she took everything when she…” Afia started. She cleared her throat as a lump began to rise in it. “I still remember his sobs when he woke up. The sound of the scream he gave when he took his eyes was…”

“I still hate that you had to find him like that.” Wekasa said.

“I didn’t think he’d do something so drastic.” Afia said.

Tuma walked in, drawing their attention to him. “His love ran deeper for Mama than we understood. She’ll always be the best part of him. She took that with him.”

“But, for him to change so drastically?” Wekasa asked.

“Death has a way of doing that to people. People grieve differently from others.” Afia said.

“And in his grief, Baba mutilated himself.” Wekasa said, raising his voice slightly. Tuma signaled for him to calm himself as Afia rubbed her temples.

“He has become angry. He isolates himself.” Afia said.

“We almost couldn’t get him to eat in the first days and barely after the funeral.” Tuma said.

“Do you think this is what we thought was wrong with Baba before?” Wekasa asked. There was a silence as they looked at each other. “Baba still began to forget and confuse things. This could have progressed it.”

“Maybe, we can bring Ekene one day. Have Baba talk to her. She’s offered to help him. He needs a therapist of sorts. Someone to talk him through.” Wekasa said.

“Thank her for me.” Afia said.

“Would Baba even talk to her?” Tuma said. “He is barely willing to talk to us. I don’t want to rely on your wife to fix him and it may only send him into another fit. Hanuman knows that last time he had a fit, we almost couldn’t get him to calm down. The man nearly gave himself a heart attack.”

“She’s offered. It can’t hurt.” Afia said.

Tuma sighed. “We can try.”

M’Baku sat in silence. The wrap over his eyes itched. His wounds healed but, they still ached ever so often. He took a deep breath as he heard someone walking into the room. The footsteps were light, clearly a woman’s. “Afia?” he said.

“No, sir. It’s me, Ekene.” The light voice said.

“Why are you here?” M’Baku asked.

“Wekasa wanted me to talk to you. Everyone is really worried about you. Talking about what the past few events may help.” She said.

“No…I don’t want to talk about it.” M’Baku said as he turned his head away.

“I’m sorry.” Ekene said. “Can we talk about you?”

“What about me?” M’Baku said, his brows furrowing.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“How should I be doing?” M’Baku growled. “Why are you here? Why are you asking me these questions?”

“Wekasa is worried about you. Everyone is. They just want to make sure that you know you aren’t alone in your grieving.” Ekene said.

“But I am. I am alone.” M’Baku whimpered.

“That’s not true.” She said. “Everyone was saddened by Y/N’s passing.”

M’Baku’s jaw tightened. “We were supposed to have forever.”

“I know. Over 60 years together. I couldn’t imagine.” Ekene said.

“Why did she leave me?” he sighed.

“Death can appear to be very untimely. Especially when it’s someone we love deeply. It’s part of the grief process.” You said.

“Is that what this is?” M’Baku said.

“People do drastic things in their grief.” Ekene said.

“You’re talking about me.” M’Baku said. “Me…and what I did.”

Ekene watched as his grip tightened on the arms of the chair. “I have to be candid when I say that it’s a wonder amongst your children and some of the tribe about that, yes.”

M’Baku took a deep breath. “I don’t want to be without her. She left me here. How can I see without her? I couldn’t live my life without her and she left me here! Why did she leave me?”

“M’Baku, please.” Ekene said as he started to stand up.

“She left me! Y/N left me! Ad we always said we would be together so why did she go? Why did Hanuman take her from me? What had I done?” M’Baku ranted as he paced. He turned violently as his blindness led him.

“M’Baku, sir. Please, calm down.” She said.

“No! Why isn’t she here? I loved her. I love her with all my life and my being. She was the only one. My everything, why isn’t she here?” M’Baku cried.

Tuma walked in at the sound of the yelling. “Baba, what’s going on?”

“Why did you bring her in here to talk to me?” M’Baku said. “What is this? Why is she asking about Y/N? Where is she?”

“Baba, please calm down.” Afia said, coming in.

M’Baku started to back away but, tripped over an end table, breaking a lamp and sending pieces of the glass into his skin. Afia gasped.

“Umkhulu?” Afia’s youngest said, from around the corner.

“Go with your nanny, my love.” She said, pushing him along and going back into the room. M’Baku writhed on the floor as he felt along his arm, his fingertips wet with blood.

“Ekene, go. We’ll help him.” Tuma said, pulling his father off the ground.

Afia prepared to leave for the night as Tuma approached. “I’m not sure what we can do for him.”

“Brother, I’m tired.” She said. “I don’t know what we could do. He is beyond reason. He has lost himself, we can’t…”

Tuma pulled her into the hug as the tears came in. He rubbed her back. “Breathe, relax.”

“There’s nothing we can do. We can’t fix him. Why did Mama leave us? She’s the only one that could do this to him.” She said.

Tuma let her sob into his chest and cry. Once she calmed down, he released her and wiped his sister’s tears. “Go home to your husband and children. Don’t think about this now. Just go home and rest. Don’t come in the morning. I’ll have Ozioma take care of Baba.” He said.

“Tuma, I can’t leave him.” She said.

“You need to take care of yourself. You’ve helped Baba since Mama died. Take a break.” He said. “Go.”

Afia nodded, leaving for the night and letting her tears dry in the light wind.

Today was bittersweet but, M’Baku’s children were determined to make this a good day. Today would have been your and M’Baku’s 65th anniversary. His children planned a celebration regardless of the circumstances. M’Baku on this morning seemed to be in high spirits. He was more willing to interact with others and was actually cheerful.

M’Baku was being escorted from his breakfast. For some reason, things felt different. He felt a spirit around him. A warmth that he hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever. He was brought into his room and left to sit in his chair. “Sir, someone will be here to read to you again.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” M’Baku said as he kept his cane close. He heard footsteps retreat but, then the warmth intensified. His brows furrowed as he felt a chill.

“M’Baku.”

M’Baku began to sit up. “Wait…” he said. He began to reach his hand out.

“I’m right here, my love.”

He felt a pair of soft hands gripped his hand. M’Baku gasped as he knew them all to well. He leaned forward. “Yam ivu.”

“Yes, it’s me. I’ve missed you.” You said.

He began to smile but, the tears soon soaked the sash around his eyes. “Yam ivu.” He called.

“I’m here, M’Baku.” You said. “Don’t cry for me.”

M’Baku couldn’t speak as he sobbed. “Are…are you really here?” he said. “Are you with me?”

“I’m here.” You assured him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.” He said. “I love you. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“I know.” You said, your hands trailing up his arms. Your hand touched his chest, easing him back into his chair. He sighed as that worth he’d get everytime overcame him. “My beautiful husband. I miss you.”

“I never told you. I never got to tell you. You were my life.” He said.

You chuckled. “And you were mine. We always told each other that we were the best part of each other’s lives.” You said. “65 years we dedicated to each other. 65 years I never would have got had we never met that day. Had we never touched.”

“I know.” M’Baku said.

“And our children. Grown, beautiful. Everything we’ve always wished for. Found their loves and have their own children. Figures of the tribe that everyone looks up to.” You said.

“We raised them well.” M’Baku said.

“We did. You were the best father you could have been.” You said. “You did so well. Aren’t you proud of yourself?”

“Y/N…” he said.

“Yes, my love.” You said, softly.

“Why did you leave me?” M’Baku said.

You sighed. He heard you sniff and your hand left his chest and just rested on his hand, caressing over the loosening skin. “It was my time.”

“But, I can’t be without you!” he said. “You left me and…”

“M’Baku, please.” You said.

“Y/N, we can’t be without each other. You were everything. Everything I have is because of you. Why did you leave me?” M’Baku said.

“M’Baku, I’m sorry. It hurts me to see you like this.” You said. M’Baku shuddered as he felt something brush over his face. Your soft, loving hand was cupping his cheek. “For you to be suspended…in this darkness after me. But, why did you do this to yourself?” He heard your voice end in a sob.

“My sight was because of you. I couldn’t go back to before like you weren’t in my life. I couldn’t.” he said. “I rather see nothing at all if I can’t see in color with you not here. I couldn’t do it.”

“M’Baku, no.” you said.

“Yam ivu, I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. I didn’t have you and I didn’t want any of it. Why couldn’t I go with you?” M’Baku said. You fell silent. He heard your voice come out as a shudder.

“I’m the cause of your pain. I didn’t want to leave you like this. I never wanted it.” You said. “To see you like this…M’Baku, you didn’t have to do this. Leaving you wasn’t something I wanted but if this was the outcome…”

M’Baku sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry.” You said.

“Please, don’t be.” M’Baku said. “This was my choice. My own doing. My own punishment.”

“You never did anything wrong.” You said. “You were more than I ever wanted.”

“And you were the same to me.” M’Baku said.

“M’Baku, I love you.” You said. M’Baku’s hand lifted to the wrap around his eyes. He grabbed and started to lift it. “No, M’Baku. Don’t. It’s fine.” You said, straining.

M’Baku continued to struggle with it. Your hand gripped his, taking it away from his face. M’Baku trembled as he felt you draw closer to him. You leaned in, planting a soft kiss on his lips. His shoulders dropped as he fell into the kiss. He kissed back. You both stayed in this embrace for what seemed like an entirety. The warmth, flowing through his skin and replacing the cold that he was getting accustomed to. You pulled away, slowly. M’Baku licked his lips, savoring you.

“I love you, M’Baku.” You said.

“I love you, too.” M’Baku said.

“Sir…” the voice of the servant said. “Who are you speaking to?”

M’Baku’s head turned to the sound of the woman’s voice. “What?” he said.

“You said, you loved someone. Are you alright?” she asked.

His head shifted forward. The warmth slowly depleted from him. He settled back into his chair. “I’m fine.” He said. “I’m fine.”

M’Baku’s children watched as during the dinner M’Baku interacted and actually smiled. “It’s so good to see you doing better.” T’Challa said, his voice low and gruff from his age.

“I feel so much better.” M’Baku said softly.

“I’m glad also.” Feyisola said. “Jolasun would be happier too.”

“Jolasun, what happened to…” He started. M’Baku sighed and nodded. “That’s right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, M’Baku. You don’t have to be sorry.” Feyisola said, patting his shoulder.

“If I may ask…how did you cope when she passed?” M’Baku asked.

Feyisola sighed. “It was hard. Still is. But I know she loved me. I think about this times where I had her and make the best of everyday because I know that’s what she would want me to do.”

M’Baku nodded. “I think Y/N would want me to live that way. It’s just hard to do that.”

“It’ll get better. Everything takes time.” T’Challa said, patted his old friend’s back. M’Baku nodded.

“Y/N lived a full life. And you always say that she was best part.” Kaseko said. “You just have to relish it.”

It was later that night. The palace fell silent as M’Baku prepared for bed. “Did you enjoy everything, Baba?” Zuberi said.

“I did. It was nice. Thank you all for that.” M’Baku said as he sat on his bed.

“We’re glad we could do something for you that you enjoyed.” Bosede said.

“Before, I sleep. I need to tell you all something.” He said, lifting his head.

“We’re all here.” Tuma said.

“I love you. I love every single one of you. I’m happy to have been your father. And I hope I sufficed as I tried to do better than my father before.” He said.

“Baba, we love you too.” Wekasa said. “You know we appreciate you.”

“Yes, Baba.” Afia said. “You are still a great man.”

M’Baku nodded. “It’s nice…having you here. Y/N…your mother would be happy to see this.”

“I’m sure in Hanuman’s graces she is smiling upon us.” Zuberi said.

M’Baku gave a smile as the warmth in his chest came back. “Before I go to bed, can you have bring me an altar? I want to pray before I rest.”

“Sure.” Tuma said, motioning to one of the guards at the door. “Would you like for us to be with you or do you want to be alone?”

“Alone, please. Put it close by the bed, I’ll manage.” He requested.

M’Baku was brought to kneel at the altar by his bedside. His children told him good night and left him to his prayer. M’Baku took a deep breath as he began his prayer. “I thank you…for the life you gave me. For my father, for the mother that birthed me and the one that raised me. I thank you for granted me to be Chief and to lead this tribe and be a part of something so much greater. I thank you for my children and their children. I ask you to bless them and their children after them. Please keep them in your good graces and guide them along their way. And more importantly, thank you for my wife. Thank you for my Y/N. Without her…I would have had nothing. My love for her will be forever eternal. My lips will continue to speak her name until you see fit to bring me to her and the ancestors. Thank you.”

M’Baku blew out the candles and reached for his bed. He slipped in and pulled the covers over him. His chest was warm and felt like peace was washing over him. M’Baku began to hear the light tapping on his windows from the rain. He smiled thinking of you and all the times the weather had influenced good moments with you too. Next time, there was snowfall he made a mental note to step out and savor it. M’Baku hoped to himself, Hanuman would let him remember. He gave a soft sigh as he felt faint. M’Baku shuddered as he felt his heart skip a beat. He became cold and something felt as something was sinking in. M’Baku felt afraid at first but, something put his mind to ease. He continued to feel his heart stutter and eventually slow. He felt his body relax as he succumbed to what felt like a peaceful sleep.

M’Baku felt something itch at his back. He squirmed and realized he was no longer in his bed. He felt warm. He flexed his toes and found himself standing. M’Baku smiled fresh air and something musky. He winced as he found himself, blinking. He saw a shadow from beyond the sash approaching him. He reached to remove it but, he felt a hand take his.

“My love.” You said. M’Baku gasped as he heard your voice. He felt you tug on the wrapping and pull it over his head. He blinked at the bright light as he looked over the mountains from their cave. Everything was like he used to be. Deep browns, soft blues, stark whites. The sun, a lovely bright yellow. He finally looked at you. A smile on your face. His youth and yours restored to you.

“Yam ivu. Y/N” he said as he cupped your face.

“I’m here, M’Baku.” You said. “We’re together again. Our spot like always.”

M’Baku looked around. He wrapped his arms around you, almost in disbelief. “Is this real? Will I wake up from this?”

“You’re here with me. I’m here with you. This is how it’s always been and how it’s always will be.” You said.

“I love you so much.” He said.

“And I love you.” You said. M’Baku fell into a kiss, soft then deepening it. He held you close and tight as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“Don’t fall behind, children.” Afia said as all of the kids laughed and followed behind their parents. “We don’t want to miss the sunset.”

“This is special. Our parents, your grandparents came here very often.” Tuma said as he lifted his youngest son into the air, his wife laughing at him. “They would bring us here and teach us all about the beautiful colors we can see it and how love was the foundation of this family.”

“Is that why we made the carvings?” Afia’s eldest asked.

“Is it for them?” One of Zuberi’s twins asked.

“Yes, it is.” Wekasa said as he helped his pregnant wife. “Just a gift to let them know we are always thinking about them.”

They made it up the last part of the mountain to the cave opening. You and M’Baku’s children stopped in awe. Flowers had grown around the opening of the cave. Vines that were dry and shriveled were a vibrant green and sprouted flowers in purples, pinks, reds and all sort of colors. Some big, some small. Blossoming and strong. There were a few buds that had yet to bloom but, they were on their way.

“How beautiful it is.” Afia said.

“It’s like them.” Tuma said.

“Their love…in color.” Wekasa said.

“But it’s just flowers.” Tuma’s teenager said. He wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him in.

“Yes…but one day, you will see. Just like we do. And just like they did.” Tuma said. “Soon, you’ll understand.”

taglist: @randomwordprompts @yaachtynoboat711 @muse-of-mbaku @great-neckpectations @iamrheaspeaks @yofavcocoa @chaneajoyyy @theunsweetenedtruth @destinio1 @chasingsunlight @theesotericqueen @slimmiyagi

[novellaquill]

Starling: The Lonely

-

Drabble with OC!Batsis x batfam

Summary: Her grandmother’s words continued to simmer at the back of Lerina's head, while family troubles push her to make a decision.

Warning: This takes about depression, mental illness, and other serious topics. If these topics make you feel uncomfortable don't read.

A/N: This one has is kind of a songfic. I recommend listing to The Lonely by Christina Perri. Flashbacks are in italics and in third person pov. The POV will switch back and forth a lot.

Previous Chapters: Lost and Longing

“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn't have. A solution. A remedy. Anything.

...I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be. Somehow I knew I deserved this.” ― Brian Krans, A Constant Suicide -- Two am, where do I begin Crying off my face again It was mornings like this that I hated the most. It was 2 o'clock in the morning a sane person would be sound asleep by now but no. Not my family oh no, they were on the streets hopping from rooftop to rooftop like ninjas while I was pathetically crying in my room alone, again. The silent sound of loneliness Wants to follow me to bed It was so quiet, with Alfred having the week off I was the only person in the house, yet even the animals did not make a sound this morning. I couldn't sleep, thanks to my insomnia and the fear that the silence would follow me if I went to bed. I'm a ghost of a girl That I want to be most I'm the shell of a girl That I used to know well I glare at the chest across the room hatefully anyone would be proud of this chest it was filled with my gold medal and trophies it even had folders of my awards certificates, but for me, it was only a reminder. A reminder that I was the shell of who I once was. When being alone didn't bother me. The ghost of a girl that I wanted to be again. My ADHD was pounding my skull, I was in the same position in the same place for too long. I was getting fidgety and needed to do something. Glancing at the old dance trophy that peeked under the lid of the chest I sighed, I guess some things never do change. Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you I sing myself a quiet lullaby I slowly move my body gracefully to a quiet lullaby my mom used to sing to me. Now I sing it to myself as I dance away the thoughts of loneliness taking my place in my own body, consuming my very being. Let you go and let the lonely in To take my heart again Times like this I can let go, not having to worry about my emotions diverting my attention from my responsibilities. I can wallow in my hopelessness and sort out the bottled up emotions. It was long overdue anyway. My mind drifted back to my grandmother's words "You have PhDs, trophies, medals, and degrees that they don't even know about. Use them to get out of here!" "The only ones who would notice and care would be Jason, Timothy, and Alfred. Stop letting him dictate what happens in your life. You're his daughter not his clone and you're a grown adult!"  Was she right? Did she need to leave? Could she leave? I have no doubt that my family loves me with the exception of Damian however, I couldn't just abandon them, could I? They would care if I left, right? -- Too afraid, to go inside For the pain of one more loveless night After a long day at Wayne Enterprises, Lerina was having difficulties deciding on whether she should enter her own home. She lived there for over 17 years she should be used to the feeling of dismissal, it wasn't the first time he had planned a mission on someone's birthday. Even though her birthday wasn't for a few days, the fact that she would spend another celebration alone made her furious and a bit bitter. Sure her siblings spent their birthdays mostly fighting crime but at least they were together while she spent her's with Alfred and her grandmother. Not that she didn't love them but spending time with senior citizens should not be the highlight of her day. It was pathetic. Finally, she decided to go inside making her way up to the living room. A  smile grew on her face when she looked around. The entire room was covered with balloons, streamers, banners and more. It was entirely painted with silvers, blues, purples, and gold her favorite colors. Her grey orbs landed on the people responsible for the glorious surprise, Alfred and Leilei whom she had suspected to be there but Jason and Tim were too. Tears welled up in her eyes her bags plummeted to the ground, "you guys," her voiced cracked as she was pulled into a hug by her brothers. "Happy early Birthday big sis!" "Happy Birthday starlight." "¡ Feliz cumpleaños pajarito!" "Happy Birthday Miss Lerina." She gleamed at her family's cheers, "Thank you guys" she wiped her tears, "but I thought you had to go on patrol tonight?" "We do," Tim answered freeing his older sister from his grip, "but since we're going to be gone in a few days we ditched," Jason clarified with a rebellious smirk. "Unfortunately the rest of the family couldn't make it Miss Lerina," Alfred said with regret in his in tone. "They left gifts though," Tim butted in not giving Lerina an opportunity to frown, "Even Cassandra left one." Cassandra, she normally just gave her a card why would she give me a gift, Lerina thought. Catching her confusion Jason said, " She saw that you were looked down and decided to give you one." It made sense Cassandra could pick up on those sort of things with her unique body reading ability. "Enough chatter let's eat so we can dig into the cake in the kitchen and Lerina can open her presents!" Leilei exclaimed rushing the group. -- For the loneliness will stay with me And hold me till I fall asleep That was how I spent my night that day, happy with the people I care about. But that was a few days ago with today being my birthday everyone was on a mission as planned by the dark knight himself. Having enough of dancing I lay in my bed my bed trying to fall asleep as another memory fills my head. -- I'm a ghost of a girl That I want to be most I'm the shell of a girl That I used to know well "LERINA!" She jumped at her father's booming voice, "Yes?" she questioned poking at her food. It was 2 days after her little surprise party, only 3 days until her birthday so Bruce decided to give everyone a break to have a family dinner.  Kamalei could be very persuasive when she needed to be, "I've been struggling to get your attention for the past five minutes." "My apologies, my mind was elsewhere," she received strange looks from her family but they were overlooked as she continued, "What were we talking about?" "tch," Damian expressed his annoyance gaining the attention of the family, "It's no wonder you're not allowed to join us on patrol," he sneered, "you're too much of a scatterbrain to even watch the monitors. It's a miracle how you've persisted long enough to make it 25 much less run the company without destroying it. A phenomenon really." "DAMIAN!" "MASTER DAMIAN!" her father and butler scolded, Lerina let out a frustrated sigh but ultimately ignored her youngest brother's offensive comment. "Rina is not a scatterbrain," Dick ranted, "Her brain just works differently and there's nothing wrong with that. She's fully capable of handling herself and the company.  She has 15 years of experience and has been taking care of us, you included for 17!" "Let's not forget who saved you from getting suspended last week demon," Jason joined snarkily resuming his meal, "You should show some respect." "Lerina absence has nothing to do with her disabilities her skills are needed here outside of our nightly pursuits," informed Bruce sternly still angered by his blood son's outburst. "Also saying that because she has ADHD is the reason why she's not a vigilante is just as bad as saying Cassandra is a bad one because she has dyslexia," Tim added "Cain, has a usual skill that contributes to our cause Drake," Damian hissed at the former robin's response, "Oh so helping us keep our identities a secret isn't contributing then," he argued. Cassandra just shook her head, it was obvious this wasn't going to end well, "Damian that was-" "This doesn't concern you, Cain," the blood son interrupted, "Perhaps if she-" "OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH," Lerina intervened she had grown tired of the arguing, "Thank you all for defending me and thank you, Damian, for that fascinating input but can we please for once try to have a pleasant family dinner?!" Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you I sing myself a quiet lullaby "Oh yes, mother bird we sure can," Tim replied smugly with a cheeky grin, "Sorry mother hen we didn't mean to ruffle your feathers," Dick teased, Lerina sighed as a rupture of laughter emitted from the table until it dialed down; Bruce picked up on the conversation and said, "To bring us back to the topic at hand we were discussing the mission since we'll be leaving tonight Kathy Kane, Duke Thomas, Stephanie Brown, Barabra Gordan, and Terry McGinnis will patrol over Gotham in our place." Another sigh escaped Lerina's lips, "Only you would bring crime to a normal family dinner." Let you go and let the lonely in To take my heart again "A shame we will miss your birthday Oriel," Damian cooed at his older sister, "Something much more important than you corrupted our schedule, pity." "Master Damian that is enough," Alfred scolded, "It's fine Alfred," she replied coolly," who'd want to spend their special day with the spawn of Satan anyway." Enraged Damian threw his knife directly at her face but before any could react Lerina caught and thrown it back at him just barely missing his head. "Just because I don't act upon those skills doesn't mean I don't have them," she said darkly before uttering a quick 'excuse me' leaving the dining room with her plate. -- Broken pieces of "YOU CAN'T HAVE HER BRUCE! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HER!!" "Ms. Oriel, I know why you hate me but I'm her father, just give me a chance she deserves to know who I am at least," Bruce pleaded desperately with her Kamalei hoping for a positive answer. "NO, NEVER!" Kamalei shrieked in response to his begging, Lerina was 8 years old when she burrowed underneath the stairway listening to her father and grandmother bicker and fight over her as if she was a doll. -- A barely breathing story It wasn't the last time she heard her two guardians fought over her either, it took months for Kamalei to let her go. "I promise you, you will be happy here," Bruce spoke tenderly to his daughter he sounded like he was trying to prove to himself more than his child. "Why didn't mommy tell you about me," Lerina questioned, "I don't know," he answered honestly kneeling in front of his long lost daughter. Now at eye level with her, he continued, "What I do know is that she would be very happy we found each other and I will take very good care of you." -- Where there once was love "Come listen to the song I learned," Lerina said excitedly not noticing the young man her father had brought home, "It was originally made for violin but I was able to play it on piano!" He chuckled kissing his excited little girl on the forehead, "Let's take a rain check on that song, right now I want to introduce you to Richard Grayson." The boy waved at the girl when he was introduced," You can call me Dick." Lerina waved back she had seen him on the news earlier that day, "My name is Lerina Oriel-Wayne and I am your new sister." She began to pull the boy upstairs with her, "Let's go decorate your room, you'll right at home in no time!" Bruce smiled seeing his daughter taking in Dick so naturally, it warmed his heart. "Everything is going be okay I lost my mom when I was young it gets better. It doesn't feel like it now but it will," she said pulling him into a hug,. "Rina" "huh," she questioned not sure what he meant by that. "Can I call you Rina," he whispered smiling when she said yes. -- "What's the matter? Why are you crying JayJay," Lerina questioned the little boy who had climbed into her bed one stormy night. "I'm not crying," he clarified pouting, "I just wanted to make sure you're okay." With a warm smile, she lifted the covers to her bed, "Come on then, I need someone to protect me during this stormed," she swallowed a chuckled when he dove under the covers clinging to her body, "Goodnight Jason." -- "Tim it's not your fault,' she stated trying to soothe the child who was curled up in a ball in the farthest corner in his room. "They died, big sis! They are dead because I wasn't fast enough," Tim sobbed, "I was supposed to save them and I let them die!!" She scooped him up in her arm and rocked him side to side, "It's not your fault." "Bu-" "Did kidnap those hostages? Did you set up those bombs," Tim shook his head in response, "Then it is not your fault Timmy." He stayed silent taking in her words, " Let's go to sleep, I'll sing you a lullaby." For the first time, Timothy Jackson Drake slept the entire night away, what was left of it. -- Now there's only me "Go away, Rina!" Dick growled hearing knock on the door once again, "No Dick, I know you're blaming yourself for his death but it is not your fault!" "I should've been there for him." "There's nothing we can do about it now, why don't we just-" "JUST LEAVE IT LERINA! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU AND I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY!!" Tears falling down his face, Dick slumped on his bed head in his hands as her retreating footsteps. -- "Jason please this isn't you," she begged as the man she practically raised held her hostage just to get back at his adoptive father, "This is me, maybe you should get to know your brothers more before you start begging for your life," he taunted smugly. Being held captive by the Arkham knight in a dingy abandoned apartment building is not how you want to spend your Saturday but when can they Waynes get a break. "Jason, I do know you and you know deep down that they loved and cared for you. If you can't believe that then you at least know I did, remember let you into their bed when you had a nightmare?" "SHUT UP," he screamed and shot her in the leg, "You're only making this worse for yourself and I don't want to hurt you." "You couldn't have said that before you shot me in the leg," she replied sarcastically trying to get her mind off the pain, "Is there any way I can convince you to come home?" He glanced at her before redirecting his attention to a window, "No." "I see," she let out a sigh, "I love you Jason and I'm sorry." "Sorry for wh-" the night sky was the last thing he saw before everything turned black. -- "I wouldn't expect someone like you understand so please just leave me alone, I will go to sleep later," Tim grumbled typing swiftly on the keyboard striving to finish this case. He didn't even realize what he said. Lerina was always disregarded because of her disability, some even assume she can't understand the simplest tasks, hearing from family broke her heart. -- And the lonely "Lerina, I rely on you to take care of these matters without me so I can focus on more important tasks," Bruce grumbled annoyed at the paperwork that was stacked on his desk. "I'm sorry father but some of the paper and decisions need to be signed and made by the CEO of Wayne Enterprise himself and not his shoo-in or else it won't get done, unless you give me permission, " Lerina explained "Nevermind, I'll do it myself you can go," he dismissed her, "Oh and can you dress in something nice tonight I need you to impress a business partner." "Of course" -- Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you Dick and I used to be very close, of course, we were he was my first baby brother. We were together the longest it was natural for us. I don't know what happened throughout the years, we just stopped. Soon Jason and Tim came along but Jason doesn't stay at the manor unless it's truly necessary and Tim gets too caught up with his work. Bruce and I haven't been close in years and it's far too late to fix it now. Damian practically hates me more than he hates Tim. Cassandra and I just never clicked, we never had a chance to really.  I had made my decision, I had made it long ago. I didn't even need to pack. -- I sing myself a quiet lullaby "Welcome back young masters, Miss Cassandra," Alfred spoke formally to the returning family, it had been a week, the mission had gone relatively smoothly but it had tired them out. "Good to be back Alfred," Dick spoke with a smile as they slumped on the couch. Something was off but they couldn't tell what. The answer was there but just out of reach but whatever off seemed to put a tense mood in the atmosphere. It was eerily quiet, they decided to focus their attention on a task to distract themselves. The silence was broken when the third Robin spoke up, "Where's Lerina? -- Let you go and let the lonely in I left my phone and my car at home, I didn't want to have anything that they could track when I reached my destination. "I need a place to lay low for awhile just until I make up my mind on where I'm going."  "Took you long enough to leave those assholes." Lerina smiled stepping through the door. Her new life began now. To take my heart again

~Novella Quill

Next Chapter: Starting Over

[lorewytch]

A Little Trip

Authors Notes: Heres another Lore centric post. This one might be edited later but I hoped to make this a longer piece. Also I feel the ending to this scene is lacking. But I liked some moments in it XDDDDD

Lore quickly dashed behind two brick buildings, inching her duck head out carefully as several figures passed by the two buildings towards downtown. She let out the breath she was holding and cracked her back a bit, sliding between said buildings. They only had a width just about her frame as she shimmied through the claustrophobic crack. Quickly slipping free, she spun and quickly darted her head around.

Thankfully, downtown seemed pretty busy, and those who had witnessed her impromptu spy moves simply stared for a second and then went about their days.

After all, it was downtown and they had seen stranger things. Grinning sheepishly, Lore quickly blended within the crowds around her as she tailed her marks.

And No, she wasn’t a stalker! More like a guardian. Besides, she didn’t follow them ALL the time. After all, she was a busy witch. The opal around her neck twinkled a bit in the afternoon light as she slightly gazed up at the sun hanging above Duckburg. At least the weather was pleasant.

Keeping the McDuck group within her sights, she kept a distance. The bracelet around her wrist giving a annoying beeping noise.

Rolling he eyes slightly, she sighed and opted to take the call. Marking where she last saw Scrooge and the others, she ducked into a nearby café and ordered a drink. Pressing a button on her bracelet she went to a secluded seat where no one could hear her.

“This is Lore.” Was her overly perky voice.

What stared back at her was neither duck nor fowl. Electric blue eyes stared at her deadpanned while she sipped her juice.

“Lore, are you still in that weird Duck world?”

Lore finished her sip, setting down the drink expertly. “So what if I am?” She resisted the urge to cross her arms. So she simply averted her gaze.

The human on the other side sighed and brushed a hand through her silver and blue shoulder length locks. Freckles dotted her darker peach skin and her silver and blue clothes complimented her eyes and hair perfectly.

“Lore we talked about this. You can’t stay there more than a couple more days.” She pressed a couple buttons on her keyboard before her.

Lore’s dark eyes lowered, turning a bit sad. “I know, I know.. its just Scrooge and the kids are going on this really amazing adventure soon and I want to be sure-“

The blue teen raised a hand to the screen to stop her.

“It’s been two weeks Lore.”

“That soon already?” Raising a hand to her beak, Lore glanced to the side. Watching a waitress stumble nearby and drop a few glasses on the floor of a table farther to the right. Watching her apologize, Lore’s gaze drew back to her friend on the other side of the screen.

 “Yes and I’ve done the calculations. Another week and the ‘Lore Effect’ will begin to- well take effect.” Smirking at her own clever work usages, the young woman chuckled and kicked her feet up onto the blinking buttons before her.

Lore paused a bit, glancing down at the table before her and pressing a hand against it. “I get it. Better now than later huh?” Her gaze was distant.

Electric blue eyes studied the pink haired female duck on her screen and she sighed. “I don’t understand why you are so attached to this world anyways.” Waving a hand in the air, she crossed her arms across her chest she made a sarcastic smirk.

“After all, being a bird has to be annoying. Walking on those webbed feet and that beak! Don’t you miss having lips?” She ranted, raising a hand. “Don’t get me started on the whole not wearing pants thing! Oh and I’m sure the food thing is weird…Why are ducks eating hamburgers anyways? Does that make them omnivores in this world?” The blue girl shuddered at the thought.

Lore sighed. “Clix….”

“And really? How could they even build these buildings? Although I suppose they do have opposable thumbs now…which is another odd and disturbing thing. Also, this world seems like a cartoon type world which is also kinda creepy..”

Lore started to get annoyed. “Clix…..”

“And am I the only one that thinks the magic in this world is rather wonky in of itself? Or how closely it parallels to the world called Earth you are so fond of? Not to mention you constantly stalk this one family from this world that’s also kind of creepy-“

“CLIX!!” Lore yelled. Everyones eyes were suddenly on her within the café.

Quickly turning off the bracelet, she turned to everyone and let out a soft laugh. Waving a second, she bolted from the Café and started to wander around some of the more isolated alley ways.

Turning the bracelet back on, she was met with an icy glare.

“Yes Lore?” Clix asked dryly.

Staring at her friend, Lore smiled softly. “Sorry about that. I know you were just trying to help.” Glancing around her at the darker side of town, it still felt different than other worlds.

“Look, I can’t explain it myself..” Spinning around a bit, she leaned against a brick building. Watching the sun vanish from above her, the shadows began to cast around her. “But everything here seems so safe…so warm…so like home.” Lore smiled softly. “And the McDucks, they have adventures and stick together like a real family. Even if not all of them are the same blood!” She laughed a bit.

“Unlike your own family.” Clix said solemnly.

Freezing in place, the sixteen year old duck girl hummed in response.

“Not everyone can have a…..decent home life Lore. I thought you can put all of this past you..” Clix’s words hurt because they were true.

“The longer you stay there Lore….the easier your enemies will find you.” Clix said factually. “We can only detour them for so long.”

Wrapping a white arm around herself, she grasped her other tightly. “I know..” but she didn’t look convinced.

“The longer you stay, the more likely you will affect that worlds events.” Clix pushed.

Lore’s eyes closed. “I know..”

Clix paused.

“You could even destroy that world.”

Lore’s frame snapped to attention, her eyes glaring down with slight tears. “I KNOW..”

Startled, Clix glanced away and sighed. “I’m sorry Lore…I know Noir is a touchy subject..”

Lore’s tense frame softened. Sighing, she pressed the back of her head against the brick building, staring briefly up into the darkening sky.

“I can’t go back and erase my past mistakes.” Lore smiled softly and glanced back at her friend with a calmer disposition.

“But I’ve learned from them. I’m more careful now.” She held a determined gleam in her eyes. “ I won’t let this world fall like-“

“Hey! Chick who is talking to herself!” A sniveling voice called from behind her. Blinking, she glanced behind her to see three tough looking dogmen approach her with various weapons.

Clix simply looked at them with no expression. “I have ten different quips for this moment..”

“Not now.” Lore whispered and turned off her bracelet. Hiding it behind her back, she met eyes with the tallest of the group. A wiry looking mutt with a piece of his ear chopped off. He had a stained tank top with black shoulder vest and baggy looking blue jeans.

“Can I help you?” The duck in the purple dress asked them.

“Yeah..” The mutt growled. “Give us all your money!” his two friends flanked either side of her almost boxing her inside the end of the alleyway.

The shorter of the group was wielding a baseball bat. Creative. His breed was probably closer to a terrier mix, where she could see the mutt before her had a wolf gene prominent. His last friend seemed to be a mix of collie and possibly german shepherd?

“Right…and may I ask what you are going to do with my said money?” Lore asked with a slight grin. She wondered how far she could push these guys before they broke and attacked.

Wolf boy glared at her harshly and proceeded to pull out a knife. “It makes no difference does it?” He threatened, pointing it at her.

Lore pressed a finger to the end of her bill, as if thinking about the others sentence. “Well I mean if you were going to say, give it to a nice family who is in trouble I’d say sure and fork it over no problem.” Lore stated, but her eyes narrowed at the two others who were slowly approaching her on either side.

“But…” Arms still crossed, she kept her eyes open a sliver, waiting for the right moment to attack.

“Webby! No Stop!” Eyes opening instantly, Lore recognized Huey’s voice as a little blur zoomed from a nearby trash can where the triplets were standing and kicked the wolf boy hard in the back.

Taking this moment, Lore grabbed the baseball bat from terrier boy and kicked him in the side. Swinging the bat, she stopped it in midair, blinking as she saw the triplets struggling with the final mugger, Huey was on the guys head, using the dog’s beret to block his face. Dewey had the dogs arm which held a razor blade. Louie had the guys leg, trying to trip him it appeared.

Dropping the baseball bat, she watched in awe as Webby kicked the mugger and the boys flew off, landing on their feet mostly.

“Uhhh.” Was Lore’s intelligent response as Webby grabbed her hand.

“Quick! Follow us Miss!” Dewey grabbed her other hand as the group ran out of the alleyway and a few blocks away before the group stopped, breathless.

“Webby that was so dangerous!” Huey chastised the girl duck. “We should have gone and gotten Scrooge and the others!”

“Aw those guys didn’t look so tough.” Webby smirked. “Granny taught me to handle guys like these no problem!”

“Woo-ooo!” Dewey fell to the ground with his arms up. “That was so cool!”

Louie was still breathing hard, hands on his knees and nearly keeling over. “I should start charging the people I save..” He eyed Lore.

Sliding to her instantly he grinned. “Heyyyyy-“

Huey pushed his brother out of the way and onto the ground. “Ignore him..”

Lore was still in a state of semi shock and looked at the group of kids she had been following just hours before.

She raised a finger and opened her mouth to speak, but felt nothing come out. All the kids glanced at her curiously.

Her bracelet buzzed. “Very articulate today I see…”

Laughing, Lore quickly glared at her wrist, then stuffed both arms behind her back.

Slowly, Lore took a breath and let it out. She couldn’t let her social anxiety show. “Er…Hi!” She waved nervously.

“Hi I’m Webby!” Webby happily announced, bouncing up to Lore and shaking her hand.

“And you can call me Dewey the great!” The blue boy announced, taking her other hand and shaking it.

Letting the kids shake her arms off, Lore blinked down at the kids and wondered where Beakley, Scrooge and Donald were.

“It’s great to meet you kids.” Lore stated and glanced at Huey and Louie.

Huey was busy looking at the map and frowning. Obviously, he was trying to determine where they were. Meeting her eyes, he smiled a bit. “I’m Huey!”

Turning towards Louie, Lore saw the other was on his phone, only glancing up once he felt eyes on him.

“If you give me five bucks I’ll tell you my name.” He grinned.

“Louie!” Huey frowned.

Louie’s smile dropped and he rolled his eyes a bit. “Fine..”

Lore couldn’t help but giggle a bit at the others interactions.

“What’s your name?” Webby asked excitedly. “Who were those guys anyways? What were they trying to do?!”

“They were obviously thieves from around town.” Huey commented from the side before Lore could respond.

“Yeah and they obviously wanted her money.” Louie added, eying the strange older girl once more.

Lore nodded. “Yeah they figured I was an easy target.” She brushed a hand through her long pink hair absentmindedly.

She pondered though what she should tell them her name was. She bit her beak nervously.

Dewey narrowed his eyes at her and suddenly she felt really nervous.

“Have we met before?” He wondered, feeling something itching in the back of his mind.

“Ah, no I don’t think so..” Lore commented, hoping that Dewey wouldn’t remember anything from the past.

Oh this was not a good idea. They might recognize me…

Shrugging, Dewey turned to Huey and together they were trying to find a way back to where they were before.

Webby was staring at Lore with sparkles in her eyes.

Louie was with his brothers and trying to use his GPS to locate their exact location.

“Lor-rain…” Lore suddenly blurted, startling the group of boys and causing Webby to tilt her head curiously.

Lore cleared her throat. “Um. My names Lorraine…but most just call me..Raine?” Lore offered with a slight shrug.

She couldn’t believe she was lying to them. But she couldn’t risk them remembering her and putting their world at risk.

Webby studied her for a second then smiled brightly. “Kay then I’m calling you Raine!”

Louie seemed a bit more skeptical. “You don’t look like a Raine..”

“Hey Raine, where are you going anyways? We can walk you to where your going!” Dewey chattered excitedly.

“That’s really fine.” Lore said, holding up her hands and giving them a sheepish smile. “Why don’t I walk you guys back to your….um family?”

Louie’s eyes narrowed at this.

“Oh yeah I’m sure Uncle Scrooge and Granny are probably worried.” Webby smiled weakly, rocking on her feet a bit.

“That would help out a lot, thanks Raine.” Huey nodded. “I just wish I knew where exactly we are right now. Downtowns like a maze.”

Lore took this chance to glance at the map. “Where are you guys headed anyways?”

Louie took the map and eyed her suspiciously. “Why do you want to know?”

Lore blinked and took a step back. “Er, to help you back there?”

“I think we’ll be fine on our own.” Louie took Huey’s arm and dragged him towards the other two.

“Really?” Lore asked with a raised eyebrow and slight smile. “I mean it wouldn’t feel right leaving you guys alone in the city just as the sun is setting..” She eyed the slowly lowering sun.

“Oh man, Granny is going to kill us.” Webby mumbled.

Lore glanced at Louie again and sighed. “Okay, how about you guys lead the way and I’ll walk you back, make sure you get safely to your destination as a thank you for saving me.” Putting a hand on her chest over her heart, Lore lowered herself to Louie’s height.

Louie eyed her, like really looked into her eyes trying to find something. After a minute or so, he relaxed. “Fine..but one wrong move..”

Lore gulped. “Got it..”

With that, they started off and Lore glanced around briefly wondering what she has gotten herself into this time.

[goofygoldengirl]

Whoa! The Mystery Stranger Is WHO?

Didn’t see that coming? How ‘bout we take a few steps back and look over some clues

Ch 1

The voice: gruff yet, youthful broke through the twangy croon coming through James’ earbuds…

“ And when you’re stuck at the low, that rock bottom, it really has an impact on the way you perceive things,” the man said, a surprisingly wise statement for someone who at least was about two to three years younger than James.

Ch 3

“Hey man, I know that kinda sound like a tough guy but I swear I’m not like Medusa who’d turn ya to stone with one look,” the man piped up.

“Oh. Are you a therapist? You talk like one.”

“Nah.I’m just the type of guy who’s used to listening to everyone’s problems. When you’re the oldest of ten, that sort of thing is something you learn early on. You have siblings?” The man asked.

“I’m sorry that I pushed you like that,” the man apologized. “I just thought because I know people who are only kids, and have parents who’d do anything for them and love them unconditionally that your situation would be the same. But sometimes, the people who are supposed to love you, really don’t do they?” The man wistfully said.

Ch 5

For the first time, James turned his head over to his right where the mystery stranger sat. He caught a glance of two navy-blue sneakers that were firmly planted onto the ground and the wide cuffed ends of brown, baggy cargo pants. James stopped. Then squinted. Slowly his head tilted towards his left as he curiously went to take a closer look at the man’s clothes. His gaze started to move upward…

Ch 7

“While we were out doing fieldwork, we kept on running into these kids who had it out for us. And we were stupid  for underestimating them. They jus’ a bunch of brats. All dey need is a good ass kicking and dey won’t get in our way. And whaddya know? They just kept on getting stronger and smarter and even more annoying. Everywhere we went, each town, city, region, they made it their mission to screw us over. For five years. Five fucking years and we still can’t get shit done and move up because and they don’t know how to mind their own goddamn business!”

The sharp inhale that topped off his rant stung the sides of his nostrils. James clamped down on his tongue. Hands uncurled and fell flat on his knees. He slouched back with his gaze up at the ceiling again and let out a huge sigh of relief. His breath tickled the back of his throat, loosening the tightness in his jaws up into a grin. He laughed. The sound traveled about the hallway: zig-zagging from wall to wall, bouncing off of the ceiling, back to James where it struck his ears like a gong. He raised his hand and sent a sweeping gesture over towards where the other man sat.

“And so my friend, what wisdom will you bestow on me now?” A hint of the old James peeked through with pizazz.

Nothing.

A painful jolt from his heart, blood pounded through his veins, and James stiffened in his spot. His cheeks burned then paled as he resumed his usual gaze down at the floor with an embarrassed look. His outburst had been too much. The poor man was probably terrified by his anger. James slowly lifted his head. It began to move towards the right…

“That sounds…very frustrating,” the man piped up.

Ch 8

“I’m doing an internship. I help out the team in charge of the service pokemon at the hospital.”

“You’re in college? Med school?”

“Pokemon med school. I’m doing this for my Service Pokemon and Society Class. Although I’m going into a field where I’ll only work with pokemon, it’s good to know how medical pokemon do their jobs in other settings. And it’s absolutely fascinating to see how pokemon treat other pokemon compared to how they treat humans. Did you know that pokemon have to use even more power to treat humans because their biological makeup is so remarkably different on a molecular level?”

Ch 10 

“When I was fifteen...That summer I was doing an internship at a research lab. The woman in charge who was like thirty or so kept on hitting on me. I didn’t realize how messed up it was. When you’re that young, inexperienced, and wanting to please, you gravitate to any kind of attention you can get. I thought that I was so lucky that a gorgeous woman like her noticed an awkward guy like me…The thing is when you’re so used to taking care of other people, you don’t see your own problems as important. You get used to shoving them to the back of your mind, and hoping they’ll go away in time when all those problems keep on building on top of each other and topple down on you when you break...I became depressed. I couldn’t find the energy to do anything, and whatever energy I did have I spent hating myself. And the worst part that I was isolated from everyone. My friends were far away, and even if I took a chance to confide in them about my problems, they wouldn’t be mature enough to understand them. I was estranged from my family, especially my parents since I resented them for ditching their kids, and leaving me with all the responsibility…”

[what-if-nct]

heyy~ i know it's summer and i'm supposed to be enjoying my break from school and stuff but i cant help but feel empty inside. like for most of the school year i was forced to be virtual by my emotionally abusive and toxic parents and i was feeling caged and isolated, and when i finally went irl, away from my parents, i was at the top of the world and i finally made friends, but the situation at home was still icky, and now that’s school over i’m back in my old state, *pt 1 of very long rant*

⚠️TW: Depression, suicide⚠️ i’ve been having recurring thoughts of ending it all; it all sounds so good, but i know that’s never a good idea. i’m on antidepressants, which mess with my body, so when i take them, i gain weight, and i feel sad, but without them, i loose weight, but still feel sad. the friends i’ve made are amazing, but i don’t feel close enough to them to tell them or reach out, and my parents are definitely not a good idea; so i have to deal with my emotions by myself.

This has been one long mess of a rant, with like, no grammar, but thanks. thanks for just being here to listen; from experience, i know it sometimes takes a toll on you to hear everyone, but you do anyway. thank you so so so much for listening to me, and for all the content on your blog. i think i sound pathetic here, but you and nct have been one the major things keeping me alive, telling me to keep pushing through. thanks

I love you <3

I'm sorry, you're not enjoying summer the way you should be. And I understand when you have a hard home life you just want to stay in school. And be anywhere else but home. And even though you don't feel close enough to your new friends to talk about your feelings. Try to reach out to them just to hang out. During the summer if your able to ask them to go to the mall, the park and create a closer bond. Then eventually you will get to a point you'll feel comfortable enough to share your feelings. Plus you'll get out of the house. My summer after 11th & 12th grade I was almost never home and it was the best summers I've ever had. Also I know when you get to that place of hopelessness it's easy to fall into those thoughts but it's something that's always said but it will get better. You will find yourself in a place of true happiness and love. So don't give up no matter how impossible things feel. In five years when you look back you'll thank yourself for holding in there. And Thank you for feeling like you can come to me and that I bring you comfort. And I understand what it's like to not have anyone to turn to when you need someone. So I'm more then happy to be that to someone else. And you can always come to me when ever you need to. Love you too🌸🌸🌸

[its-me-ya-homo]

A long rant about my personal problems below if anyone cares/wants to read: TW: mentions of suicide, self harm, abuse (physical, verbal, and mental, as well as other forms.), my shitty job? I guess???, working in customer service, mental illness (mostly undiagnosed tbh), and general trauma.

Okay let me start with saying this is a hot mess of a rant which is all over the place and is super sad to read and full of my negative energies. If you’re reading this I’m so sorry you actually took the time to do so in advance, it’s depressing af.

So idk what’s wrong with me, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve just been like totally off. Like everything is just completely numb nothing really brings any emotion anymore. And when I do feel anything it’s like this intense emotion but super brief and then it’s gone. And like idk I’ve always felt like I’ve faked all my emotions and how I’m presenting myself but idk the last few years it’s been more and more difficult to do since the isolation started. Like the mask that I’m presenting to people just isn’t cutting it anymore, I feel so detached from everything and confused on what I’m supposed to do and how to act. I’ve learn what things people enjoy hearing and talking about and tried to do these things still but, idk it’s not working anymore. I feel I’m being annoying all the time, nobody wants to hear what I have to say, I’m bothering them, and I’m just a waste of space (of course that’s my low self esteem and depression talking.) but now it’s to the point where I can’t even take care of myself and clean my room. It has just piled up and become such an overwhelming and daunting task that even now I’m supposed to be cleaning it, I said I’d start over 4 hours ago, but had done nothing. I’ve just been writing hoping it would distract me from the oncoming panic attack I’m feeling. It’s just this never ending cycle of you need to clean, but you don’t have the energy to clean, then it becomes this terrifying daunting task, and then Im spiraling. Then I have these moments where I just want to get into the car pack some things and just drive and never look back, just abandoning it all going off and getting that tattoo I want but even though I’m going to be 24 this year I feel I can’t get because I feel I need permission. That’s just in general the one thing that keeps me from going absolutely I guess off the deep end? The need for permission, I can’t just do things. I need permission to do them. Literally the one thing keeping on this planet at this point. I also know that I’ve been pushing everyone away, but I can’t help it. Everyone is now at arms length, probably the closest person is my best friend and even then I keep some things from him because just me in general is a lot to handle. I crave having people but become so irritated by them sometimes. Like, I know something is wrong and I keep asking my mom for help but I’m getting nothing and really don’t know what to do because again circling back, I need permission/guidance. But, now it’s becoming worse I keep getting these bruises and scratching myself picking at myself to make myself bleed, the worst part is I don’t even always remember doing it. Like I’ve straight up hit myself in the head and had no idea why I was doing that, and it really hurt, my panic attacks are getting worse also. The last one I had I knocked myself out for about 15-20 minutes. I think the worst part of it all was the last one I had like that, my family was home but I wasn’t comfortable going to them for help, even though clearly I needed help. Honestly maybe if someone is reading this horrible rant and has some suggestions please let me know? Then there’s the general neglect, I’ve stopped taking my meds (I know it’s bad, but I hated the way they made me feel and my psychiatrist was just writing medications, not even really working through anything or things like that, just medicating me) I’m just starting to get to the point where I’m like, what’s even the point anymore, I’ve gone so far as to remove sharp objects from my room, because I’m worried I’m gonna have some episode or something.

Basically, this all started around September of 2019, right after my ex and I broke up. Honestly that relationship was super toxic and horrible, super abusive and manipulative. So glad I finally got some sense knocked into me (literally lmao) I laugh but, it’s just like a coping thing. I know it’s not actually funny. All of the horrible things he did like manipulating me, making me feel worthless 24/7, like an object to be used for anything that person desires. Having absolutely no freedom at all and now in this endless spiral trying to figure out how to be a fucking normal person again not even just in a romantic capacity but in general. But, honestly that’s not the thing that messed me up the most.

I work in hospitality, specifically hotels, so I work with the public which is a warning in itself because people are nuts and have gotten somehow worse through the pandemic. Can’t even tell you how many times someone’s tried to put their hands on me over the most basic thing such as not getting 1 additional towel in their room or the rate is too high for what they want so they think it’s cool to slap minimum wage workers. When I was first hired I really loved my job. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve totally found what I’m good at and what I want to do, I’ve been recently thinking about going back to school for hospitality management. But, there’s always bad work environments and such. I love my coworkers on a friend/familial level, I care about them and want nothing but the best for them. But, they do drive me absolutely nuts on a professional level, even my manager. I’ve worked nonstop through the pandemic and have given nothing but 100%. Even on my annual reviews I consistently outperform most people not just at the property but through the entire company, which of course catches the attention of higher management. I’m just a very awkward person and the isolation through the pandemic really hasn’t helped me. And the isolation has turned me into a hermit essentially, so I know higher management isn’t really looking to promote me since when they first meet me I am slightly standoffish due to the fact that I don’t know who they are or anything. However, circling back when I was first hired right after my ex and I broke up there was an incident where unfortunately I found the body of a person who chose to take their own life, I don’t want to go into details. But it was very traumatic for me. About a week after the incident I had someone from the HR department come, take me aside and ask how I was doing. Thinking I was speaking to someone in private even saying this is private information and gave some brief background which was already in my file about my own panic disorder, anxiety, and major depressive disorder as well as my own past issues with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, just due to the fact that I felt it was important to remind the person form HR. I was honest and admitted to them in a moment of confidence that I wasn’t okay. I needed help. The entire thing was horrible for me. I asked if since it happened on the companies time and under their watch at the property if there was anything they can do to help me with therapies or such things. I was given the 411 number and told to figure it out. Then the individual went and told various people at the company my personal health problems not even the mental health issues but also a thyroid condition that I have which I never mentioned in our conversation which wasn’t even relevant to anything. Then they told everyone I was also intending on taking my own life yet did nothing about it. It was mostly to management that the individual told, which could also be a reason they aren’t looking to promote me. I told my mom as all of these thing have happened and she’s just encouraged me to get another job, but I feel like I have an obligation to continue to work for them due to the fact that they are short staffed. But recently I’ve seriously looked at leaving due to the fact that I’ve been doing all the work of a manager and not getting paid. I’ve been getting paid less than the new hires of the company and I’ve been with them for 3 years and this was something we just recently learned about and I mean I brushed off the one incident because I needed the job at the time in the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was being laid off but, things are just getting worse and worse with poor management. I also know a part of me is scared of change.

Honestly, I’ve been writing this for a while and I’m gonna go cry and pick up my target order now. Instead of cleaning my room. :)

[ireneinisolation-blog]

3/21 - Podcasts

Late start again today... I guess I am finding occasional ways to occupy myself during the day even if it doesn’t involve any social interaction :(

So going light here again, and maybe shorter than the dreams one, but also maybe not.

I am a podcast enthusiast to say the least. On a normal day, when I’m not in semi-quarantine, social isolation, distancing, whatever the fuck you call this craziness, I listen to many podcasts. While I work (I still get shit done), while I run, while I clean, while I get ready in the morning, etc. Constant podcasts. They keep my hyperactive brain under slight control. Interestingly, I’ve been listening to fewer recently since locked inside all the time. I don’t know what to make of it. It’s like I’m trying to concentrate on the current moment, despite my better judgement that tells me that I absolutely should not concentrate too hard on it or I will be instantly depressed. Anyway. I guess that’s just a bizarre side note of the moment.

Normally, I listen a lot. And I have a lot of favorites. Against my better judgement, I listen to a lot of crime podcasts. They almost always bum me out, but I just can’t stop myself. The rest of my taste in podcasts is less problematic. The first time I really got into listening to a podcast was with Serial. The second one was Reply All. The latter has remained an all time favorite. Another more recent favorite - perhaps my absolute favorite at this time, is a science podcast called Ologies. I have things to say about both of these podcasts now. I’ll probably have more in the future as well.

Reply All A podcast about the internet, and a delightful one at that. One bit that they do now and then is what they call “email debt forgiveness day” where you can reply to that old email that you have waited WAY too long to get to, then it got awkward, then you just decided that socially it would be better if you didn’t reply at all. But email debt forgiveness day removes the awkward. You can pick up where you left off and just be like “sorry, been meaning to write this for ages” and that’s that, it’s all good. I’ve been thinking about this idea recently because it seems like this whole social distancing/quarantine thing is just nudging us all towards an all day, everyday kind of email debt forgiveness “day” (eternity). Should I write to that guy who I worked with in college and now we live in different countries? Probably. What about that girl I was friends with throughout high school and into college until we both got too busy and just dropped the ball simultaneously? Yeah, I think so. What about girls who I played soccer with when I was a kid? Or people who I lived with when I was studying abroad? Okay, let’s not get too carried away. I need to still *desire* contact with the people I’m reaching out to (which includes some people mentioned above but not all). Anyway, this will be an interesting opportunity to digitally reconnect with anyone that I feel like reconnecting with. It’s interesting now as that begins to happen more, as the walls of normal social behavior seem to be blurring. It is an odd experience for everyone, EVERYONE, all over the country and really the world to be experiencing this same external threat at the same time. I know we have different smaller related issues that we are dealing with (medical issues that contribute to extra fear of the virus, loneliness, childcare, job security, etc.) but the overarching issue is one that we are ALL experiencing. Maybe it can bring us together yet, even as we all shelter from each other at a distance. Happy email debt forgiveness ETERNITY!

Ologies I love this podcast. And I try to push it on everyone I know, as well as a number of people I don’t know all the time. Basically, each episode is a different topic, a different interview with a different “-ologist” explaining their field of study and research, work, etc. It is truly a gem. A couple episode I’ve been thinking of recently: Quantum Ontology to talk about “what is real??” In said episode, interviewee Dr. Adam Becker shoots down the idea/bullshit claim that some people make that we could all be living in a simulation. He explains that this is an extremely “white man” interpretation of civilizations because to make that claim you assume that all societies inevitably go through the same steps that our current western civilizations have gone through, and that they are all aspiring to the same goals. However, just because the West in this day and age was brought about the way that it is largely because of the white patriarchy does not mean that all societies would inevitably lead in this direction. Even if we look at examples beyond the West or we look instead to women to lead our societies, would “simulation” still be something seen as so likely for our societies to aim for? Probably not. Anyway, I’ve been reading a lot recently - against better judgement - on predictions on how this virus is going to play out and what will happen to society afterwards. And Jesus H. am I bothered by what I’ve read. For one, it is absolutely insane for anyone to think they know what is on the other side of this. I know it is just a prediction, but if you feel the desire to get a piece published about your bummer predictions about how the world is ending, just think again and DON’T. It isn’t useful to have someone say that things are going to turn out horribly because it doesn’t motivate people to do any better. Sure, the virus is it’s own thing. But we do have control over the politics and the economics to an extent. Hell, even the virus we have control over some science, even if the virus got a head start. I keep reading things that say shit about how we’re going to become a more nationalistic society after this (wtf, how do you even figure?) or that even though emissions have gone down in some places as the virus has gotten really bad, emissions will actually be worse later (that one is a real weird prediction because for that prediction to be true, disruption from the virus will need to be short enough that when we return to our normal lives, everything quickly becomes business as usual plus a desire to travel and consume even more. In my brain, this doesn’t make rational sense. Yes, it could happen, but there is not enough evidence that it will to bother making it into a prediction). I’ve seen similar articles over the past few months and years regarding climate change. Predictions that the climate will get way worse and there is no point hoping for anything else because we’re not capable of restructuring society to prevent the climate from suffering. That is a bullshit way of thinking. Fucking stuffy old white men who have such a limited range of thinking that if they don’t personally have any ideas of how to make things better than it must be that nobody does. Movements make change. These stuffy old men just favor status quo and bureaucracy. But the outcomes can be different if we allow the process to get there to be different. Well this has been a rant. The conclusion here is that predictions about the future anytime, but especially now, make me very angry. Now is not the time to have a narrow idea of possibilities for the future. We need to think widely and wildly about ways that society can be rebuilt after this. Nationalism, right winged bullshit, xenophobia, rigidity are not the only ways for us to regroup after a crisis. Equality, opportunity, collaboration. These are the ways that we can come out of a crisis and form a society that was better than before. And I can’t be the only one dreaming of this as an option. We can build a better future.

The other, considerably less heavy episode of Ologies that I have had on my mind recently is the Sexology episode! The episode is a delight, though the thing I want to note is not strictly sex related. Interviewee Shannon Boodram at one points talks about how we need to appreciate our bodies, and even when we are out and about and doing things, and not in any kind of a private, sexual setting, we should enjoy having our bodies. I think she mentions something about stroking your arms or something. I can’t remember, it’s been a while. Normally I’d say “well let’s try not to look like too much of a crazy person while ‘enjoying our bodies’ in public” but hey! I’m not in public now. I am mostly just in private all the fucking time. And when I am in public, on walks and such, frequently there is nobody around. So I guess as long as we are doing this whole social distance thing, we should all enjoy our bodies (as many of the other pleasures of life are stunted at the moment). Stroke your arms or legs or whatever! Be thankful for your toes. Give yourself a head massage - whether you’re on your couch or on a walk surrounded by absolutely nobody. Appreciate your body - whether it’s PG or not ;)

I’m sure I’ll have more on Ologies another time. For example, there is a two part episode on bats, which is relevant as people freak out about bats having given us coronavirus. However, the real issue is that we as humans have been invading their habitat (and don’t blame China!) There’s also a different two part episode on fear... which seems rather relevant right now. Is there anyone out there who hasn’t had at least one anxiety-induced nervous breakdown and/or panic attack since going into semi-isolation whatever? I myself have had many a nervous breakdown in the last week. It’s unpleasant. Maybe I should spend more time appreciating my body. Anyway, you’ll read more on Ologies later. For now, go take a listen.

Daily updates.. daily updates... Went to the store today in the afternoon. Actually just went for a walk but brought my bags in case I wanted to go to the store. The parking lot was very mild, so I went in. Honestly, I haven’t been into a store so empty in a long time. There were other people, just not crazy and it was very nice. I guess everyone expects Saturday afternoons to be busy or to be all out so they think it is not worth it to go. Meanwhile, I passed the store yesterday on a walk and the parking lot was PACKED completely. Weird.

Some stuff was still bare in the grocery store, but I found most of what I was looking for minus the black beans. Got many vegetables, some fruit, some eggs, some rice, some candy. The essentials. It’s still a real weird energy in stores though. There were a lot of young people who didn’t seem too anxious (about the virus anyway) - or maybe I’m reading into their actions too much. A few people went out of their way to not let anyone else in their 6 foot area. I try a bit without being crazy. Sometimes you can’t help it because that’s how aisles work. Both the cashier and the bag boy weirded me out a little, though maybe I’m being irrational like the rest of the crazies out there. The cashier coughed - just once, hardly a sign for alarm, but she was handling my groceries and it’s not preferable. The bag boy was sniffing a lot. Which was really not great, especially as he was touching all my good a lot, even after I asked to finish it up myself and he didn’t take that direction very well and decided to keep touching everything. Frustrating. It’s weird though the desire to blame someone if and when we get sick. With coronavirus or with anything else. You think, oh, I woke up with the flu today and I know that one person at work has the flu, or that lady on the bus was coughing, I bet it was her. To some extent, I would defend the fact that I blame the people who I think give me viruses because to some extent it seems to be the result of other people being irresponsible and showing up places when they should be home or not having good enough hygiene. But the thing is, viruses move. They are seeking new hosts, and they exist and survive because they move around in sneaky ways. Plus this current virus is extra tricky because the incubation period is so long and so many people are exposed from touching surfaces. So if I show symptoms in two weeks time of this new virus, will I look back and blame the sniffling bag boy (it’s not like I’ll ever find out if he gets diagnosed) or will I just need to accept that it is a sneaky little dick of a virus, and that I could’ve just touched a door at my apartment and not washed my hands well enough after or maybe the virus was already lurking on some produce that I bought. In a situation like this, blaming doesn’t seem right... except for blame on the government, and honestly many different governments. Why must they all suck as this crucial moment when they need to get shit done??

Alright, well I guess that ended on a low point. Again. My rants get away from me. It’s past midnight now (hey, it is the weekend and my sleeping schedule is always off on the weekend), but maybe I’ll take a shower before bed. It’ll remind me to enjoy having a body :D

Good night!

[keisume160]

I'm so sorry Monsta X Fans. I'm so sorry Wonho.

So... The bitch who tried to end my baybee boi TOP is back at her shenanigans again. I swear Han So Hee is such a bitter trouble making thot. I thought I hated her because I was an insane TOP stan, but no. I find her utterly DEPLORABLE. I'll explain later why this chick has me so angry on a personal level. But as for now, it almost 4am my time, I can't sleep, I'm pissed off and I need to rant.

Some guys I don't know also stepped down from their groups, because they either smoked weed, (Drugs is this bitch's MO), had some shit from their pasts, or was connected to Seungri's Burning Sun scandal, very loosely. I think one of them a combination of all 3. I said guys because I remember when I watched Hallyou Back News l recall them talking about another guy stepping down from his group as well, not long ago. Since I'm a bit muddy on the details so I will only talk about TOP and Wonho's involvement with the bitch.

I don't know who Wonho is or Monsta X, but this shit is upsetting. I feel that like VIPs have been taking hit after from the moment of TOP's scandal, now other fans are being hurt by this chick's poison touch. I can't stand the idea of any other fandom hurting like we have hurt. I also feel like this toxic creature in a Korean woman's skin suit worming her way into TOP's inner circle was the catalyst for a lot of things. This chick is obsessed with taking down idols, ruining careers, and hurting people.

Watching videos of girls in their rooms or in their cars breaking down and crying put me back in the mindset of 2017 when TOP had his scandal and overdosed. I don't l know Wonho or his former group, Monsta X, but I know that feeling of loss his fans are going through. She's wounding another person and the fans that love him so much out of spite and bitterness. It angers me so much, because these men are essentially being punished for being successful.

Now it's time for me to get really weird and personal, because maybe someone can take away something positive for my story.

Trigger Warning: Mental health issues, talk of low self-esteem/body image, homelessness, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, self-harm and talk of suicide is going to be discussed. If these are sensitive topics for you then please DO NOT scroll down. The TL;DR version is I related to one girl who was in tears about Wonho leaving Monsta X, because like her K-pop helped me when life was really hard or just too much to deal with which makes me all the more angrier at Han So Hee. Another girl I related to talked about feeling judged for crying over a foreign celebrity she doesn't know. I had a seriously messed up life the past nearly 10 years and when I didn't think I could going K-Pop and close loved ones reminded me of my worth. We've had so many tragedies in the world of K-pop for the past couple years. Gone are the days were we have the luxury of fan bases fighting over which group or idol is better. We really need to support one another, because we never know who will have their career ruined over petty BS, criminal acts, or Dear God forbid 'worse'.

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Back in 2017, if TOP wouldn't have survived I would have immediately left the fandom. The reason is for the longest time I related to him the most. I completely relate to his love and passion for art. I relate to food being the most important thing in life. I relate to his love of wine. I can't drink it much because of my living situation, but I have a gift card for when I move. I relate to his strange but adorable quirks and habits. I plenty of my own. He loves chairs and finds them sexy. I love beds and find them sexy. I related to his mental health problems. I related to his body image issues. I related to how awkward he gets to touching others. I related to how lonely his feels. He hates being lonely, but he 'needs' to be lonely. For someone who's been hurt like him isolation is the easiest way to stay safe. I can understand this, because I'm hiding in my room most days. I tell myself I'm not good enough for love, I'm not nice enough for friends, and I'm not pretty enough for a boyfriend. Marriage and children isn't even a thought anymore because I gave up on it. I accepted being alone for the rest of my life. I hate it. The thought makes me cry, but people and what they are capable of scare me more than dying alone.

If anyone who reads this has gone through my blog you'll come across a couple real life pictures of myself. I'm a plus sized woman so learning someone who is so hot was once a fatty like me was a huge revelation. When I saw his pictures from when I saw Big Boi Tabi my first thought was "If I can get skinny will I be this hot?" Needless to say I completely missed the point back in my mind 20's. His weight loss was because of his determination to do what he loves. Looking back on it Plump Tabi was one of the things that made me like him. He was so cute and cuddly looking back then. He still had that intense anime glare which made me laugh. It was like if Snuggle the fabric softener Bear got married to Sasuke Uchiha, had a baby in Seoul, then raised the baby in the hood so he can be a an edgy anime teddy bear that grew up to be a rapper. Now I want to draw an rapping anime edgelord teddy bear.

I digress, one if the girls I saw crying about Wonho really broke my heart. She talked about how life hasn't been easy for her and how K-pop helped in the dark times. Another girl talked about crying over a K-pop boy you don't know and your loved ones who aren't fans are telling you to just get over it. I relate to all of this completely. Mother and I have been homeless for nearly a decade. We both are severely disabled, and can't work to supplement our income. It sucks because where I live housing is extremely expensive and our disability income isn't enough for market rent. We finally got a means of getting housing, but there's an issue with our credit. We want to be in our own place before Christmas, but life has been awful to us.

Beyond financial and housing issues, back in 2013, 2018 and just a few months ago I was in some very abusive relationships. During those times when I was being treated so badly K-pop and my loved ones being there for me, I would have attempted self-harm or suicide. The ex from 2018 was the worst of the worst. He was a groomer, manipulative, sociopath who verbally abused me, cheated on me, and forced himself on me in my own resistance. I can't even go into the basement where I live to get cleaning supplies or wash my clothes without having a panic attack. I still remember his face afterwards and I feel gross. It wasn't the first time he pushed me into having sex when I didn't want it. There are times I scrub myself in the shower to the point my skin breaks and bleeds, because I don't feel clean anymore. I even had to get the police involved because even after a year later he stalks me in real life and harasses me IRL. My self-worth has tanked because of him and I'm terrified of being touched in a sexual manner ever again because of him.

For some K-pop is a means of escapism, for others it saved their lives. Some just love the music. Others could care about the attractive idols. It's meaning can have as big or as little impact in your life as you want. For me I can say its mix of the first 2. I can be transported to a different world when I listen to it. I also can listen and be creatively impacted. K-pop helps me when I need to draw or write. Thanks to that evil girl another man and fan base is hurting. When what happened to TOP happened I was in such a deep depression no one got it, in fact I was judged for it. It sucks...

In the past couple years we lost idols due to petty drama, criminal acts, or suicide. We no longer can be in our own fan bases fighting each other over who's the best and who we love more. We really need to reach out and give others support, because we never know who's going to leave us next. Especially us as VIPs, because it seems like we're in the middle of a civil war Seungri Stans VS everyone else. To quote Filthy Frank, IT'S TIME TO STOP!!! We all know 2019 sucked ass for K-pop fans. Fighting each other only makes us lose focus of the outside forces attacking our baybees. I don't know what else to say. I've been feeling this way for a while and the more history repeats itself, the more I get upset. I really hate Han So Hee. I think she is a toxic disruptive force that dismantles careers, because she doesn't have one. She is the antithesis of a jealous scumbag.

I'm so sorry it took so long to post. I was typing this around a quarter to 4am, now it after 8am. I dozed off twice while typing. I know, I'mma boomer.

[yuribalisms]

So someone told me that gender roles weren’t harmful at all, have never harmed anyone, and will never harm anyone. Well y’all better buckle the fuck up because it’s story time. When I was four years old, my immediate family (mom, grandparents, aunt, and uncle) moved from Texas to Illinois to be closer to the rest of our family. Now, my family is fricken huge, ‘kay? The smallest number of kids anyone has is 3 and most people have somewhere between 5-7, and everyone’s super freakishly close. You know your 3rd, 4th, etc. cousins just as well as you know your siblings. And one of the main ways that our family kept the kids separated and managed was by gender. The girls played with the girls, and the boys played with the boys. Of course, when we first moved, little four year old me was super excited I got to see my cousins more than once or twice a year now. For the first couple months no one really cared if I was with the boys or the girls. But it didn’t take long for the moms to start shoving me off towards the girls. It made me upset that, in a sense, I wasn’t “allowed” to do things with the boys but I was raised to keep my mouth shut and do as I was told or else I was getting punished, so I complied. Making me hang out with only girls was bad enough, but then the actual dreaded gender roles began to get forced upon me. Now, I was a strange kid. I knew how to read by the time I was 2 and I liked watching documentaries rather than cartoons. I also really liked animals and the outdoors. The only toys I had/wanted were little plastic animals that I would often take outside and play in the mud with. My mom had gotten me a few dolls and the like but once she realized I didn’t care for them, she didn’t try to force them on me. However, the rest of my family was a different story. I remember them painting my nails bright pink even though I asked them not to, they would get onto me for going out to find turtles in the ponds with the boys. This went on for several years and I was a stubborn kid, I was gonna do what I liked as long as I knew it wasn’t wrong, so of course I didn’t let any of that change me. But when I was around the age of 9/10 it started to get really bad. That was when the other kids started realizing I was weird and that I wasn’t like them. Soon, the girls didn’t want me around because I wouldn’t play house or barbies and asked them not to use their cheap makeup kits on me. They started to take advantage of me because I was a year or two younger than them and they knew I was gullible and desperate for friends. They played tricks on me, lied to me, and often left me out of things without it being noticeable enough for them to get in trouble. This went on for a while, slowly making me more upset and demolishing any confidence or pride I had in myself. I was weird and I would never have friends. Obviously, my mom had started to notice these things and even though she pushed me to still have a decent relationship with my female cousins, she started going out of her way to see that I got to spend time with the boys rather than the girls. For a while, it worked. I got to play video games and catch frogs and run around in the cow fields using sticks as sword. Of course, I still got left out of things. The one that upset me the most happened when I was 10. Once a year, all the boys and their dads would go on a week long camping trip and do outdoorsy stuff and ride four wheelers and play paintball so on and so forth. The boys wanted me to go and of course, being the stupid kid that I was, I got excited because I thought I was going to get to go. It sounded so fun, and I was even more excited by the fact that everyone got to go with their dads (I didn’t really have a dad, I had a step-dad at that time but he treated me and my mom like garbage and one of my cousin’s dads treated me like one of his kids so I was looking forward to going with that family). You can probably guess what happened. All the adults told me “You can’t go. You’re a girl!” I cried for hours before my mom could console me. Then the women felt bad and set up a “girls weekend” and at first I got excited until I found out it was a shopping/spa weekend. Besides the fact that that sounded miserable to me, I couldn’t have gone even if I wanted to because we were really pressed for money and couldn’t just go on a shopping weekend. But save for a few incidents like that, things were looking up. And then at about 11, the boys hit that stage of “Ew, you’re a girl. You shouldn’t even like this stuff,” and it all started over again. I “thought” like a boy so the girls didn’t want me and I “looked” like a girl so the boys didn’t want me. Now, you’re probably wondering, Hey, what about kids not in your family? Surely they were better? Yeah, um, no. I was homeschooled (because of me being so advanced and the public schools refusing to move me up) so these were literally the only children I knew. My mom realized she had to do something. I was crying almost every day over it and had had several panic attacks about no one ever liking me because I wasn’t girl enough to be a girl. So she started getting me involved with kids outside the family. Good intentions but it backfired, mostly because of me. After so long of thinking I was too weird and my cousins making fun of me, I was too scared to really even talk to other kids because I thought they wouldn’t like me either. But in little 11 year old me’s mind, they didn’t talk to me because they somehow knew I was different, not because I was too nervous to start a conversation. This just made me more upset so my mom stopped trying. That was when I got super into reading because most book characters were weird like me and they weren’t ever going to not like me. This lasted about a year and then my mom got super worried that I wouldn’t socialize at all. So she shoved me back at my cousins again. Most of the boys were okay with me at that point but I could tell they still kinda wished I wasn’t around. The girls, well, they were starting to go through their boy crazy phase, which was only encouraged by their mothers (”When are you gonna get a date?” “Oh, you’re so pretty, I’m sure all the boys will be fawning over you”). So of course I got dragged into this. It just confused me because I didn’t understand why you needed a date or even knew how you felt that way towards someone (news flash, little me, that was cuz ur ace af) but just the pressure to start dating someone made me very uncomfortable and it started to make me angry, especially because I never heard the boys be pressured to get girlfriends and that wasn’t fair. After just turning 13 I started realizing and understanding things and this made me angrier and angrier so I isolated myself from pretty much anyone my age because they must have all been this stupid and awful. It made me mean. Writing was about the only thing I enjoyed anymore and if I hadn’t had that I honestly don’t know what would have happened to me. I started to hate my family. This went on for about half a year and then I started high school, my first time in public school and I was a nervous, snappish, prickly wreck. And no one talked to me. Nada. Not for the entire first month. This just reinforced my fears that I would never have friends. Then, all of a sudden, it seemed like I had friends. People that genuinely liked me, weird bits and all, they invited me to do things and listened to me. One of the girls (she’s now one of my best friends) admitted to me that the reason she stayed away from me at first was because one of my cousins that had started public school in the 8th grade had told her I was weird and that she should stay away from me. My friend said after she actually talked to me she really liked me and didn’t know what my cousin meant but it didn’t take her long to realize what had happened. After getting those first couple friends, it really helped me accept myself again. It was okay to like girl things and boy things and weird things. I made lots of friends because I started to act pleasantly again. I still have most of these friends and they have no idea what they did for me or how much they mean to me. I still don’t get along with my cousins. A rare few apologized when they got older after realizing what they had been like (mostly the boys) and I’ve gotten closer to them in the past year, but for the most part, the rest of them are just as bad, if not worse, because now I have more friends than most of them. But yeah, it took me nearly seven years to realize what gender roles did. And it took me nearly three years to recover from what they had done to me. So yeah, don’t tell me that gender roles can’t harm anyone because they nearly destroyed my childhood. Don’t tell me that they’re just a thing that isn’t enforced and shouldn’t be worried about. Don’t tell me they can’t hurt anyone, because I know I’m not the only little kid who they hurt, that I’m the only person who has a story like this. 

So yeah, sorry about the super long post, rant over, but yeah, I thought this should be shared. 

[cliches-and-coffee]

hi ho i was wonderin if you'd be willing to write a h/c fic or oneshot about barry struggling with self harm & feelings of worthlessness like over the course of his life but having been in recovery until recent events. bonus points if u cover how his advanced healing effects scarring and enables him to remain isolated for longer than he should be able to, and things get out of control so he asks for help & is supported by his fam. or smth along those lines idk

Sorry about how long this took, I know you sent this a long time ago (last December, if I remember right.) I have to be in a particular mood to write about this. Also, I somehow ending up writing this one in a 5+1 format?

I’ll probably clean this up some more before I put it on AO3, but I promised myself I’d get it up by the end of the month. I’m not sure if this fits what you wanted, exactly, but here it is.

Tw for self harm and a suicide attempt.

1

The root of the problem had always been the Reverse Flash, even before he knew how or why or who. The first time he’d ever taken a blade to his skin was three weeks after it happened. All the support in the world wasn’t enough when no one believed you, when your dad was going to jail and there was nothing you could do or say. When everything was dismissed as the flawed, trauma-induced memories of a child. His problems began and ended here.

Barry hadn’t done it recent years. Not since becoming the Flash. Not until…

He’d always known that someday he would find answers- he didn’t expect those answers to be so shattering. He’d seen it as some shining beacon of light, that would pull him back out so he wouldn’t feel the urge anymore. That everything would be like it was meant to, with his old and new family and the real murderer locked up. It was unrealistic; his rational mind pushed the fantasies away, but they were always there at the back of his mind, the thing that kept him running (figuratively, and later, literally.)

This, this betrayal? It had never been what he expected. And the destruction he’d caused to the city by time travelling to that night…

Alone in the aftermath, he bled, wounds healing far too fast, one more reminder, and wondered how he could have been such a fool.

2

It wasn’t that he hadn’t had the urge since Zoom first appeared, but he was trying as hard as he could not to give into it anymore. No, things weren’t okay. He was still broken up, and so was everyone else on the team. There were trust issues abound. And dealing with yet another enemy that was faster than him… But he’d been doing so well.

Then one more thing was ripped away from him. One more thing he couldn’t stop, one more time he wasn’t fast enough, good enough. He didn’t know what he was feeling, something too intense to put into words. Angry or anguished or a mix of the two. Maybe the anger was more directed at himself for not stopping this. The only thing for certain- he’d broken all over again. He wanted to destroy Zoom.

He thought of all the years he’d spent trying to exonerate his dad, and the precious little time he’d had with him after it had happened. He thought of the scene before him, shockingly, horribly like the one here so many years ago. No one knew how he almost self destructed that night, between the murder and getting locked up by his team. He left behind no evidence.

3

Flashpoint had been… perfect. He had been happy, completely, for the first time in years. Of course, that couldn’t last. Barry didn’t get to be happy.

He didn’t know whether those months were worth the mess he returned to. He was always ruining something. This had been caused purely by his own selfishness; he wasn’t sure how to fix it. Barry couldn’t mess with time again to try and get things back to normal. He, and everyone else, would have to live with the consequences.

It felt like losing everything all over again. His friendships, his family, his motivation. He was in no state to be with Iris like this, avoiding her so he didn’t have to disappoint her, it’s not you it’s me, it’s me I’m a mess and you deserve better, you deserved Eddie but I took that from you-

He cut at a rate he hadn’t in years, and learned just how much his healing could take care of. No more scars. No more hiding anything for longer than an hour or two. It was no blessing.

He almost handed himself over to the Dominators not only because it had seemed like the only option, but because it had seemed so right, taking himself out of the equation so that everyone could be happy and saving the world in the process. Barry had allowed himself to be talked out of it, but the thoughts still plagued him.

Even their eventual forgiveness couldn’t make him forgive himself.

4

Savitar was him. Barry was Savitar. The revelation was crushing. He’d become what he had feared he would since the beginning, a monster. Everyone around him was in danger, not only because of those who came after him and would exploit his weaknesses, but because of Barry himself. This just proved it; he was dangerous. And all his effort to do good had been useless. He wasn’t good. No wonder Eobard Thawne had hated him so much- he knew what Barry would become. Who’s the villain now?

He knew he was cutting deeper than usual, but it didn’t seem to matter, really. Maybe he should die- then Iris wouldn’t. He had to save her. He had to keep everyone safe. One last act of desperate heroism. He regretted not being able to be better. Maybe he’d been destined to fail from the start. He hoped the mess wouldn’t be too terrible to clean up…

He watched it drip to the floor, and it felt like an eternity. Blackness crept in slowly, seconds ticking by twice as long to his speedster senses, and he almost had the time to rethink the rationality of this choice.

It was too late to second guess now.

5

He never quite found out how they’d caught him in time. He didn’t want to ask. But the thing that mattered was that they had, and now he was here, laying in a cot at STAR and wondering how he was supposed to face them. Barry had never thought he’d have to deal with the aftermath of his admittedly rushed decision. He realized now that it wouldn’t have helped anything. Savitar would’ve still existed in a paradox and there would have been no one left who could stop him. But it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

He didn’t get any choice but to deal with everyone. Caitlin made them all leave after while- he needs rest- but not until after he’d dealt with ranting and tears and why would you do that and how could you do that to us and how long and he knew they were just upset and concerned and probably wondering how they’d never noticed anything but…

It made him hate himself all the more for his selfishness. He knew if he had anything around him right now to do it with, he’d be right back to destroying himself. But they’d removed everything from the room, Cait told him he had to stay for another 24 hours at least, so he was stuck. He didn’t feel like worrying everyone more by leaving against her advice. Thus he was forced to sit there with nothing to distract him from every terrible thought racing through his mind.

+1

“How are you?”

Barry looked over at Iris as she sat beside him. “Okay.” Realizing that wasn’t a good enough answer,  "Not gonna go be self destructive any second.“

“That’s good.” Her eyes were sad. He almost regretted it all.

“Yeah.” It wasn’t that everything was better, really, it had been something he leaned on too much and there were still so many problems to deal with, so much leftover grief. But it was… not as bad. He was coping. That was all he could do.

Maybe he could keep coping, with his family, with Iris, to help on the bad days. Maybe even heal, eventually. It was hope, something he’d been in a short supply of for a long time.

It was something.

[artificialqueens]

In Sickness and In Health Ch2 - shalaska - pureCAMP

A/N - first of all i would like to wish the happiest of birthdays to nymph, i love u grandma!!! <333

second of all, thanks to tiff for letting me get this in when it didn’t work! ur an angel

hope u enjoy!!

Around an hour later, or as Alaska was learning to judge time, eight coughing fits later, Miss Michaels re-entered the room. She was lucky to have just missed another one of Sharon’s violent attacks, and the princess had lain back down on her bed, her skin practically grey and her chest heaving. Alaska tore her gaze away from the sick princess and to Miss Michaels, who seemed to grasp what had just happened instantly upon entering, but said nothing about it. She probably knew Sharon didn’t want her to make a fuss.

“Are you ladies hungry?” Miss Michaels asked them. “Sharon, Her Royal Highness has requested that the two of you join them for dinner.”

That didn’t sound like an unusual request – at least, not to Alaska. Surely it was fairly normal for the eldest princess to sit and eat with her family, as well as the poor woman who’d offered to try and help her. However, Sharon raised her eyebrows and struggled to prop herself up onto her skinny elbows, apparently shocked.

“She’s not keeping me quarantined? Shit, she really must think she’s sending me off to my death.” The princess deadpanned.

Miss Michaels smiled sadly. “You know it isn’t like that, dear. It pains your mother to keep you away from the family, you know it does. She only does what the palace doctor advises.”

“And a fat lot of good his advice has done,” Sharon muttered softly, but she relented despite her bitter words. “I guess I’d like to say goodbye to them. They’re not too unbearable. Mother Dust, will you-?”

She didn’t need to finish her question. Miss Michaels let the door she was leaning against close behind her as she walked towards the bed, helping the twenty-four year old to her feet and supporting her as they stood. Alaska could see that Sharon’s entire bodyweight was resting on Miss Michaels, her muscles straining as she tried to hold her own but was too weak. It was no surprise that Miss Michaels could still walk with ease; when Sharon had nearly collapsed onto Alaska after her first coughing fit, she’d weighed nearly nothing. Alaska got to her feet to hold the door open for the two, and quickly followed as they left.

The dining room, just as Alaska expected, was lavish and rich. There was a long table directly in the middle, laden with gleaming silverware and dishes, with the King and Queen seated at opposite sides and the two younger princesses sat together on one side. Instantly, the smell of warm, fresh food made Alaska’s stomach rumble beyond belief. None of the prepared dishes had been revealed yet, but the smell alone told Alaska she would never eat like this again.

She took her seat next to Sharon, who was helped down by Miss Michaels. The princess, contrary to Alaska, didn’t seem all too thrilled about the prospect of eating such an expensive meal. When she noticed Princess Adore watching her, Alaska saw the older princess cross her eyes and stick out her tongue, winking when her sister started to giggle. It was only a small thing, but in her current state it obviously took a lot for her to try. Even so, her forced positivity faded as soon as it had appeared.

“Thank you for joining us, you two. I think it’s always pertinent to have a good meal before a journey.” The Queen smiled brightly, though it faltered slightly at her daughter’s less-than enthusiastic expression.

“Me too. Haven’t had one of those in a long time.” Sharon mumbled darkly.

Alaska sucked in a breath at the sudden change in the overall atmosphere. Just like that, the sick princess had the power to completely switch the mood. Princess Adore ducked her head down, refusing to make eye contact, whilst Princess Laila glared at her older sister. Sharon stared stonily back, unfazed by the negative reactions she was receiving. In the mean time, the King and Queen eyed each other nervously, not sure how to approach the situation. All three princesses were upset, and they had a guest to deal with on top of that. Alaska stayed quiet, doing her best to give the royal family a little bit of peace.

The King was the first to speak again. “Now, come on Sharon. Didn’t we talk about this with Miss Michaels just the other week?”

Sharon nodded slowly. “Oh, right. Yes, we did. Being more positive in terms of my attitude and towards life in general.” She paused, coughing violently into a napkin before facing her father again. “Wow, I feel better already.”

“Sharon!” The Queen chastised.

“Sorry.” Sharon muttered sarcastically. “It was just a joke. I don’t feel any better.”

Sensing the tension in the air, Miss Michaels and a few other servants who were lingering by started to serve the meal, their bustling around effectively distracting everyone from the dispute. As far as the eye could see, there were rich, seasoned meats, steaming vegetables, aromatic bread and all kinds of deep crimson and purple wine. There was no doubt in Alaska’s mind that this meal alone probably cost more than her entire house. When the plate was handed to her, she decided to follow suit along with the rest of the family and inhale as much as she could – of course, trying her best to look as polite and meek as she could whilst doing so. As soon as everything had been handled out, Miss Michaels moved towards Sharon.

“No, Miss Michaels. Stop. We’re not doing this.” She told the woman, waving her away. “I don’t – not in front of…”

Through a mouthful of wine, Alaska turned her head to watch Sharon gesturing towards her sisters, her eyes fixed on Miss Michaels. The oldest princess didn’t have a plate in front of her, but one of the servants had placed down a bowl filled with some kind of soup instead. It didn’t look very appealing, and Sharon didn’t appear to want to eat it.

“You need your energy, Your Highness.” Miss Michaels insisted, sitting down beside her. “If this is the only way to do it, then so be it.” She lifted one of the spoons from the table.

Sharon pushed her hand away yet again. “Stop it! This is undignified, I’m not doing it. Leave it, I refuse.”

Across the table, Laila raised her eyebrows. “Since when have you ever had dignity?”

“Fuck off, Laila. I didn’t realize we’d invited you into the conversation.” Sharon snapped back at her.

There it was again, the mounting tension that occurred every time Sharon spoke. Alaska wasn’t sure if the family had always been like this, or whether it was just Sharon’s mysterious illness adding to her irritability, but either way it was extremely uncomfortable to witness.

The King finished chewing and frowned. “Sharon, language! Laila, don’t provoke your sister. We asked you to join us for dinner before you leave so we can spend some time together, but you’re more than welcome to return to your room to eat if you’re going to be so negative.”

“Language, my ass.” Sharon swore, prompting all the eyes at the table to widen. “Excuse me for not wanting to sit here and be fucking spoon-fed soup at the age of twenty four because I’m too fucking weak to hold the goddamn spoon steady. I would literally prefer it if you locked me in that fucking bedroom to eat as I have been the past few months anyway, considering I can’t fucking keep this solid food down any longer and it makes you all so goddamn upset. Let Miss Michaels take me back upstairs so I can be fed this shit like a fucking baby without getting stared at. In case you forgot, I’m sick, not fucking invalid.”

By the end of her rant, Sharon’s voice had become hoarse and strained, like it didn’t want to work any longer. Her ashen skin was inflamed and red, and her chest heaved up and down with the effort it had taken. Alaska froze, holding her breath without even realizing as she waited. Her gaze fell upon the Queen, so similar in appearance to all three of her daughters, her gloved hands clapped over her mouth and tears shining in her eyes. The King slammed his fork down onto the table.

“Look what you’re doing to your family! Look at your poor mother, she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way you’re treating her. Why do you think we agreed for this young lady to help you? So that you won’t be sick and you can stop tearing this family apart!”

Sharon coughed loudly, ducking her head under the table, and resurfaced with her face even redder than it was before. “Look what I’m doing to the family?! Look what this illness is doing to me! I can’t fucking feed myself, if you didn’t get that. I’m not tearing this goddamn family apart, I’m being isolated from it whilst whatever fucking disease I have tears me apart! Is it so hard to understand? But by all means, let’s worry about mother, shall we? Let’s worry about Laila, and Adore.”

The King breathed heavily, his own skin growing red with anger. “So you don’t care about your mother? You don’t care about your sisters? Your future as the Queen of this kingdom?”

“No. I hope this journey kills me.”

With a shuddering gasp, the Queen stood up from her chair, quickly taking Laila and Adore under her arm and whisking them out of the room with her. Alaska’s cheeks were heated, flushed from the awkwardness of being the only human barrier between the King and the princess. She heard a loud sob, and then the door closed behind the Queen and the two younger princesses.

Tears filled Sharon’s eyes. “I – I didn’t mean that. I didn’t…”

Without another word, the King abandoned his seat and followed his wife out, leaving just Alaska, Sharon, Miss Michaels, and a few other servants in the room. In the silence, it felt glaringly empty and wrong, and the servants quickly got to work clearing everything up. Sharon bunched up her napkin and threw it across the room, sinking lower into her seat and crossing her arms over her chest. Her dull blue eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

“I always have to fuck everything up.” She cursed, uncrossing her arms again to presumably feel for a napkin, before dabbing at her tears with her sleeve. “Where’s – oh fuck it, whatever.”

Tentatively, Alaska reached out, placing a hand onto Sharon’s shoulder. The princess instantly whipped her head round, her watery eyes meeting with Alaska’s and then hitting the floor. Not quite sure how far she could push it, she gently squeezed and mustered the courage to speak.

“Hey, don’t… you didn’t, uh, mess everything up. You can still talk to them, right? We’re not – we’re not leaving until tonight. You have time.”

Sharon scoffed, wiping away one of her tears. “Time is the one thing I don’t have. Besides, they don’t wanna talk to me. Not after that.”

Alaska frowned. “But don’t you see? They’re upset at you because you’re talking about dying, and the last thing they want is for you to die. They care about you.”

“I don’t care about them.”

Miss Michaels interjected, pulling Sharon to her feet and enveloping her in a hug. Sharon seemed to shrink even more in the older woman’s embrace, sobbing into her chest.

“Why are you crying, then?” Miss Michaels asked softly. “If you don’t care? Or are you lying to poor old Mother Dust?”

Sharon sniffed, saying nothing.

“You do remember what happens when naughty princesses lie to me, don’t you?” There was a hint of teasing in her voice. She held Sharon at arm’s-length to grin at her, poking her skinny ribs through the dress. “Surely you remember.”

Alaska wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard Sharon laugh ever-so-quietly. “Mother Dust. Don’t.”

Before Alaska even knew what was happening, the princess was shrieking and giggling, and Miss Michaels was grinning as she poked and prodded at her, finding all the ticklish spots she presumably knew from her childhood. Alaska laughed along with them as she watched, interested to see how long Sharon could withstand it before she crumbled. In only seconds, she was begging for mercy from the servant, ripping herself free and clinging onto the back of the chair for support. For a few moments she was doubled over, trying to catch her breath, before the fit of coughing overtook her once more. Alaska looked away just as the dark blood began to stain the tablecloth.

“I guess I sh-should apologise to them.” Sharon said as she straightened, her voice muffled by her hands. “Or – or something. S-So I don’t leave them w-with bad mem-memories of me. Miss Michaels-”

Without needing further instruction, Miss Michaels rushed to Sharon’s side, helping the princess to her feet once again and supporting her in taking a few tentative steps. After the first couple, Sharon waved her away and began to walk unaided, if slightly shakily, towards the door her family had exited through not long ago. Alaska, suddenly lost in the midst of a palace with a princess and her family troubles, got up to walk next to Miss Michaels. The older lady was hovering behind Sharon a little, cautious in case she were to lose strength.

Things definitely hadn’t gone as Alaska had expected them to. She’d never been a part of the archetypal family – two parents and some siblings – but she hadn’t expected the royal family to be so… normal, she supposed, in their interactions. In public, they were formal and of the utmost politeness to everybody else including each other, yet in the comfort of their palace it was almost as though they weren’t royalty at all, just normal folk. Sharon swore more than some of the rougher boys in the orphanage where she, Courtney and Willam had grown up. Yet she was a princess, not common blood like they were.

The group made their way back through the door they’d first entered through, Alaska’s eyes first falling upon the winding staircase and then the long marble corridor stretching out toward what she presumed was the garden. One of the doors was ajar, open just enough to reveal a bit of light coming from inside, and some low voices talking. Not hesitating for a moment, Sharon pressed on, leaving Miss Michaels and Alaska to follow and linger awkwardly in the doorway as she walked in.

“It’s not right…” Adore was muttering, sat on the floor in front of a tall white dollhouse. The younger princess looked upset, her dark hair falling in front of her eyes and a doll clutched in her fist. In the corner, curled up in an expensive-looking gilt chair, Laila sulked and watched her sister play.

“I know it’s not.” She said bluntly. “What can I do about it?”

Neither girl seemed to have noticed Sharon’s presence, as though she were a ghost in the room. Upon approaching the dollhouse, Sharon dropped to her knees and took hold of one of the discarded dolls, her hair torn completely off. A smile made its way onto her face as she ran her thumb against the doll’s bristles, eye to eye with Adore.

“Remind me of her name again?” Sharon asked softly.

Adore looked up at her, smiling back somewhat nervously. “Polly.”

Sharon chuckled. “Right. She used to be my favourite, you know. You know what I did with her?”

Adore shook her head at her sister. “What did you do?”

“I ripped all her hair out.” Sharon grinned. “Then I was forced to give her up, because there was a baby in the house who wanted to play with her.”

She jerked her head in Laila’s direction. “And then Laila put her all back together again. Gave her beautiful soft hair, repainted her face all delicate and sweet, even sewed clothes for her. And then –” Adore was starting to giggle at Sharon’s repetitive story. “I was thirteen, and there was another new baby. That little baby grew up, started to play with the doll, and then?”

For her finale, she jabbed Adore in the arm with the hairless doll. “She proceeded to tear out all her hair. You’re a little devil, just like me.”

Adore smiled.

“My little mini-me. Can you promise me something? Can you promise that whilst I’m away, you’ll be a little less devilish? Only whilst I’m gone. Then when I’m back, I’ll play with you and you can be as devilish as you like. Is that a deal?”

Adore was silent for a moment, as if she was thinking. Then, in a sudden rush of affection, she flung her arms around Sharon’s neck and hugged her tightly. Sharon faltered, clearly not expecting it, before hugging back.

“I promise.” Adore whispered. “You’re gonna come back and play?”

“I will. I just gotta get better, and then when I’m better, me and you can wreak havoc in these doll’s lives.”

With some difficulty, the princess straightened, ruffling Adore’s hair before making her way over to Laila. On closer inspection, she held a heavy book to her chest, and was scanning the pages far too quickly to be actually reading them. It was clear her gaze was firmly planted on the pages to avoid interacting with Sharon, but even in her weakness she had such a commanding aura; Laila had no choice but to look up.

“Listen to me,” Sharon began, sitting in the chair next to her sister. “Will you listen?”

Laila’s grip on her book intensified. Her knuckles were practically trembling with the effort. “No. Won’t you just go on your journey so you can hurry and die, just like you said?”

Sharon sighed. “Laila, please. Listen to me.”

The middle princess closed her eyes, her face screwing up. “I’m all ears. Make it quick.”

“I’m sorry. I snapped, I didn’t mean to upset you or Adore like that. Do you believe me? Can you trust me?” Sharon’s questions were peculiar. Alaska frowned from the doorway as she tried to figure out what was happening.

“I can trust you.” Laila said stiffly. “Is that it?”

Sharon shook her head. “No, no. Can I trust you? I have to say something important, and I can’t trust Adore with it because she’s too little. I can’t trust mother or father, because they won’t react properly.”

Laila nodded, a little impatiently. “You can trust me.”

“Good.” Sharon swallowed. “You know – you know I’m not healthy. You know there’s a good chance that I’ll… you know that to me, tomorrow isn’t a guarantee. But you, you’re strong. Mother may say you can be grumpy and moody – which you are – but you’re sixteen, we all were. However, I need to know that I can trust you to do my job.”

“Your job?” Laila cocked her head, momentarily confused. Sharon took hold of one of Laila’s hands, freeing it from the grasp of her book and clinging onto it.

“You need to be fair, and kind, and thoughtful, and forgiving. You and I both struggle with those, that’s why we argue. We’re so alike.” Sharon smiled. “But those are the characteristics that a queen needs, so she can be a good ruler. You need to be able to take on that role, for me. Do better than I would do.”

Laila’s eyes filled with tears, which she tried to hide with an angry frown. “B-But you’re going to be queen. You’re the oldest.”

Sharon wiped at her own eyes. “And I’m also the sickest. You know – t-there’s a chance I won’t – I won’t make it to… to my coronation. So you – you’ll have to do it. Promise me you’ll do that.”

“I promise.” Laila reached over, similarly to Adore, to hug her sister. The moment was sweet and brief, and soon enough the pair pulled apart and Sharon got to her feet for the last time. Her face wore a melancholy smile as she walked towards the door where Alaska and Miss Michaels were stood, stopping about halfway. She sighed heavily and turned around to face her two sisters a final time.

“I love you, both of you. I’m sorry if I didn’t say it enough. I love you.” She finished, and ducked out of the door before the tears threatening to fall could spill over.

Realization hit Alaska like a freight train. Sharon was saying goodbye. She hadn’t dared to utter the word itself, knowing the emotional turmoil it would bring with it, and instead had addressed each sister personally. Saying her own goodbye in a way that would take them a little while to figure out. Alaska guessed she was hoping that they wouldn’t realize she’d been saying goodbye until she had left. Even so, her words had a very final note to them.

“Mother Dust, get Miss Dujour and Miss Creme to collect some of my basic things, tell them to get as little as possible. Just that fucking pot, a spare dress and my money, I think. I don’t want to make the horses carry too much, we’ll take a local everyday carriage.” Sharon ordered, and then halted. “And, uh… don’t – don’t tell my parents I’m leaving. Not until after we’ve left. I don’t want to face goodbyes with them.”

Miss Michaels nodded slowly, taking her orders with no response and setting off up the tall staircase, calling the names of the other servants on her way to find the King and Queen. Once she was completely out of sight, Sharon let out a long breath and slumped against the banister.

“That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Alaska’s heart ached for the princess. “Saying goodbye? I could only imagine.”

Sharon nodded. “Yeah, and –” She lifted both of her hands to her mouth, coughing. “H-Holding back all th-these c-coughs.”

Just as Alaska was about to speak, Sharon held up one finger to stop her and spat into a nearby plant pot, the dark blood from her lips blending in with the almost black soil. Alaska winced, doing all she could to avoid sucking in a breath through her teeth. She was pretty sure that the last thing Sharon wanted was her pity, so she tried to keep it internalized.

“Shit. Sorry, Alaska. I suppose you’ll be lucky if you don’t have to put up with all of this for very long.”

Alaska shook her head fiercely, taken aback. “Don’t! God, Sharon – I can deal with a bit of blood if it means I could possibly save your life. I’m not heartless.”

Sharon laughed. “Of course, I forgot. When you spend your whole life in palace balls and surrounded by other royalty you don’t experience much selflessness. We’re bred to be selfish.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.” Alaska stated firmly. “You don’t seem selfish. You were sweet to your sisters, and in a way you’re sparing your parents the pain of a goodbye. That’s pretty selfless.”

At her words, Alaska saw the princess brighten a little. It wasn’t much, certainly not enough to bring her back from the darkness she’d fallen into, but for a second Alaska saw it. The old glow in her skin, the old twinkle in her eye and the old joy of her smile. It flickered back like a candle in a thunderstorm, snuffed in an instant. But for a short while, it had burned. If she had to, Alaska would spend fruitless hours relighting that wick just to see the slight glimmer again and again.

Sharon was speechless. She stood up straight, using the banister for support, her mouth open slightly as she took in what had just been said. Alaska’s eyes were drawn to Sharon’s parted lips – her thick, full lips – and her heart rate quickened. Almost instinctively, after spotting a minute remainder of blood on the princess’s mouth, Alaska drew closer. Her thumb gently brushed across Sharon’s lips, a delicate and tender movement carried out inches from her face. Neither of them broke eye contact. Neither of them spoke.

“Your Highness, I have your –”

At the sound of a peppy, energetic voice, Alaska swiftly drew back, Sharon recoiling in the same fashion. Her eyes landed upon a dark-haired servant, who wilted under Sharon’s gaze and clamped her lips shut.

“Uh, sorry…” Alaska muttered, feeling her cheeks grow hot. “You had, um, blood. On your lip.”

Sharon nodded slowly, unable to meet Alaska’s eye. Her cheeks coloured, a fierce scarlet marring her pale skin as she focused her gaze instead on the servant who had approached them.

“Miss Creme? Ah, you’ve got them. Good, hand them here. I just need –”

Sharon spun around, only to find Miss Michaels had joined Miss Creme, holding out a bag and what appeared to be a long black coat. After putting the few supplies into the bag, Sharon slipped on the black coat, pulling the hood up over her hair. The fabric was loose, obscuring most of her dress and leaving enough room for the princess to hide her features, if she wanted to. She adjusted it with trembling fingers and stared ahead.

“Guess we’re leaving.” Sharon mumbled. Her back was turned from the gathered servants, so only Alaska could see the tight-lipped grimace on her face. “Off in search of a witch who might not even help me, should we find her.”

At her bitter tone, Miss Michaels surged forwards and pulled Sharon into a hug, resembling a motherly embrace as the princess melted into her. A few moments passed before Alaska noticed Sharon’s body juddering, indicating she’d finally cracked and started to cry.

“Come on, little Shazzy.” Miss Michaels whispered, rocking her. “There, there. No more tears. You have to get going, okay? I want you back here, bright and beautiful and healthy as always. There’s my little girl. Now, now. Please no tears.”

Alaska couldn’t believe this was actually happening. In mere minutes she’d be out of the palace, Princess Sharon by her side, ready to embark on a perilous journey in hopes of finding a witch to cure Sharon’s illness before time slipped right through her fingers. The success would not only save a life, but provide Alaska with some sort of stability and hope for the future. Money that meant she wouldn’t have to toil as endlessly as she did. Security that meant she wasn’t always sticking out her neck for everybody she cared about. Perhaps even a friend.

Miss Michaels waved Sharon away with a tearful smile and a gentle push, sending the two on their way. Alaska took one last long, lingering look at the intricacy of the palace before turning away completely, descending the steps and not looking back. Her shoe touched down on the regular soil of the kingdom’s land, and her quest to save the princess had officially begun.