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ks-caster · 9 months ago

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I’m Avoiding A Task So Here’s a Commentary On Society and Gender Instead

“What are your pronouns?”

My parents live in a suburb (NOT a “small town,” much as my city friends might quip about it) with a couple of older, classic, mom and pop restaurants. When I visit them it can be difficult to decide on where to go out to eat, as many of the dishes and even common ingredients that I’m used to ordering at home just aren’t available where they live, but instead I find access to some strange menu items.

“A Hot Turkey Sandwich used to be a big thing,” my mother tells me one day as we sit down in a half diner, half bakery. She points it out on the menu, talks about it, surprised to find a place where it’s still served.

“This restaurant must cater to an older clientele, who still expect to be able to order that,” I say, and she agrees. Most places took it off the menu decades ago, because they wouldn’t have made a profit from having it available, but not this place. This place can profit from nostalgia.

Businesses have to change as people’s tastes change, to survive.

“What are your pronouns?”

I read an article a while back on why department stores suck so much more now, from the perspective of someone who had used to work at one “back in the day” and then re-applied for the same job many years later. The premise was that individual workers used to be responsible for individual zones—back room, men’s clothing, kitchenwares, etc., taking ownership of their sections and knowing their products, but that now, every person is responsible for every section as the companies run on skeleton crews, and as a result no one truly knows where everything is.

Once upon a time, in the micro-society that is retail, each employee served a specific function for the benefit of the whole. Now, a few employees are expected to perform every function simultaneously, creating a dreadful experience for themselves and for shoppers, and pushing more and more commerce online.

“What are your pronouns?”

The last time I worked in retail, I had a coworker, a single mom, who once laughed and said that the reason she couldn’t hold down a relationship was that she was both more of a woman and more of a man than all of the men she tried to date. She could cook a gourmet meal and crawl under a car to fix it. Ultimately, while she enjoyed men’s company, what did she really need to keep one around for? She’d gotten so good at performing both functions that there was no purpose behind having a partner in her life. She was enough on her own.

My parents are older, but my dad is much older—born in 1949, schooled in the 1950’s and 1960’s. When he was in high school, he asked to take home ec as an elective, because he liked food, and he was told, “you are a boy, boys take shop class. Girls take home ec. Your wife will do that for you.”

He was a bachelor with male roommates until the age of 37.

My mom was born in 1964, schooled in the 1970’s and early 1980’s, and in school she was discouraged from taking home ec, because “women can have careers now, you don’t want to waste your time learning how to take care of some man, do you?”

They wouldn’t teach my father how to cook because of his gender, they wouldn’t teach my mother how to cook because of her gender, and the end result was that when my parents got together, my dad had to teach my mom how to fry an egg.

People change; hunger does not.

“What are your pronouns?”

I took an archaeology class in undergrad, and my professor mentioned she had beef with most forms she had to fill out, because they’d ask her gender, but only offer sexes and not genders as response options. “Sex is biological—if I dig up a skeleton, I can generally determine the sex based on physical characteristics. But gender is cultural, and to determine that, I need to know more about the culture, burial items, circumstances of death. It might be something that only bothers people like me, who study ancient civilizations through their trash, but it does bother me.”

I dutifully took notes. I was, after all, a straight-A student.

Decades ago, when my grandmother was young, defining what made a man a man and what made a woman a woman was much easier—their roles in society were clearly defined, generally based on their biological sex. Men and women performed set tasks in order to keep society functioning. Whether each individual necessarily fit into the roles they were assigned is another matter—if I had taken a job in retail and been assigned the paint and decor section, I’m sure I could technically do it, but given that I am mildly colorblind and have a questionable-at-best sense of aesthetics, I certainly wouldn’t be a good fit.

But as my grandmother grew up, fleeing her home with her family and coming to America to escape a world war that sent American women into the workforce into jobs previously reserved for men, society began to change. While my grandmother was busy learning English and perfecting an accent that would allow her to pass as an American to her school fellows and avoid xenophobia, American women were learning about economic freedom, and perfecting skill sets that would allow them to avoid the helplessness of being the less-respected gender.

“What are your pronouns?”

In the 1940s, “boner” was slang for “big mistake.” There’s a vintage batman page somewhere circulating the internet of Batman gloating to the Joker that because the Joker was too busy trying to get the Batman to make a mistake that the Joker wasn’t paying attention and messed up himself.

Except, well, you can imagine how it’s worded.

In 2024 it looks and sounds hilarious. But in 1944 it would have been completely ordinary. Language changes and evolves as people use it. The English my grandmother painstakingly learned in the 1940s is not the same English that we speak today—she keeps a coffee table book of Teen Slang in her living room that’s 15 years out of date.

When I went back to school for my master’s, I had to re-take English I and British Literature as prerequisites, since they didn’t accept CLEP scores. I was fascinated by the experience of reading Chaucer in the original language, and how often I could intuit the meanings without having to look down at the extensive footnotes in my student edition. I wondered at the time how much of it my grandmother might have been able to understand, as she also spoke German. The text would have been incomprehensible to most of my students today; I only understood it because of my background.

“What are your pronouns?”

One thing I found particularly interesting in the Canterbury Tales was the word “hir,” a possessive term that seemed to mean either “his” or “her” interchangeably. Gender-neutrality all the way back in the 14th century? Or perhaps spelling simply wasn’t standardized yet. Language changes and evolves with society, but the idea that we don’t need to be too terribly rigid with pointing at the shape of people’s genitals every time we refer to them in conversation? That’s not new.

After all, pithy internet rhymes have brought up the fact that Shakespeare used the singular “they,” making it older than the singular “you.” (You is plural—read that aloud to yourself, hear how the “you is” sound a little off? It’s “you are”—plural.) It’s only in recent years that using “they” to refer to a person of indeterminate gender has become this big, frightening thing to Conservatives, and it’s not because the word itself is new to them. (And don’t cite their age—this is not a vampire movie, none of them are older than Shakespeare).

The very word “conservative” suggests “reserved,” or “restrained” or “traditional.” The sudden fear of the singular “they” represents a much greater fear: a fear of how the use of multiple pronouns shows that people’s overall roles within society have changed.

In order for a society to function, it has to grow and evolve along with people and their wants and needs and comforts. A restaurant will only profit from selling a Hot Turkey Sandwich in a community with a large older population, and without that population, they must innovate. A store expecting employees to take on multiple roles must find a way to manage those roles effectively so that the work gets done, or that store will fail. The same is true of society as a whole.

People no longer function within the rigid man/woman Western Society dichotomy. There are more available roles within society and people who are comfortable within those roles fill them. To deny this and try to make it about genitals when it never really was is just a fear response of last resort.

For Conservatives to choose to cling to a model that no longer works in the modern era is like a restaurant trying to serve only older traditional dishes when their clientele is rotating through age groups. Sure, people will probably always like some classics like coffee and waffles, lower taxes and cheaper gas. But if the rest of the menu is a refusal to innovate, it’s no one’s fault but their own when they lose business.

So, why not innovate? Why be afraid to add in a bacon and brussel sprout skillet, some avocado toast, have some truffle aioli available on the side? Why, when the other option is to lose profits and eventually go out of business, would Conservatives continue to try and push the Hot Turkey Sandwich on younger generations, when fewer and fewer will be interested in ordering?

“What are your pronouns?”

As more and more Trump voters insist that if he does not win, they’ll leave the country, I’ve been seeing videos pop up on my social media from various other countries, of people explaining how America’s Left-Wing candidates are actually the rest of the world’s idea of Centrist or even Right-Wing Moderate. “Where will you go?” they ask. “You’ll still be in the most right wing country we can think of, other than Russia.”

The dying out of the far right is too slow, considering their views, but it’s happening. Even my uncle—everyone has That One Uncle, don’t we?—who damn near worshiped Donald Trump and was desperate for him to win, is starting to fade out as he learns about planned cuts to veteran benefits. Watching him vomit up the kool-aid isn’t as satisfying as it should be.

“What are your pronouns?”

Why would anyone, anyone, want to take an evolving society and try to shove it back seventy-five to a hundred years? What must it be like inside the mind of someone who would rather watch the majority of people be oppressed than lose one ounce of perceived privilege?

I think I can imagine.

When I was finishing up undergrad, I spent much of Senior Year holed up in the library to avoid my ex and ex-best-friend, who had taken nearly all of my friends in the dual divorce. But I never felt lonely, because no matter where I hid myself, my classmates would find me, talk with me—and ask me to help edit their papers. I was an amazing editor—some people get Math Autism, I got Grammar Autism—and I’m told I was responsible for several “highest grades ever” just by helping people reorganize their ideas and make them readable.

After I graduated, careful to avoid my two exes, angry stares burning into the back of my head even though realistically I was the victim in both cases, I left the campus, moved back with my parents, and began to notice how quickly most of my classmates stopped talking to me or completely deleted me on social media.

They needed me, you see, but they did not want me.

I think that icky, horrible, lonely feeling might be what Conservatives feel as society changes around them. The feeling of knowing you’re not needed anymore, and you were never wanted, so you can be cast aside, even though you did everything right, fulfilled your role perfectly. People like my former coworker don’t need a man—as she said, she’s man enough and woman enough all on her own. So perhaps every man she spends time with feels a little like I felt after college, like even though he’s doing everything right he’ll never be enough.

I can’t fault them for the feelings—feelings are always valid, no matter how fucked up.

But do you know what list of things I didn’t do, after college? If you’ve read this far, you can imagine.

I didn’t go around complaining and causing trouble because people weren’t interested in ordering a Hot Turkey Sandwich anymore. I innovated, learned how to make some delicious cocktails (literally and figuratively) and made some real friends, who wanted me before they needed me.

“What are your pronouns?”

Plenty of people didn’t exactly fit in with the rigid gender roles of Western Society, just as they don’t now—but methods of self-expression have changed. Society is different, and people have more wiggle room to get comfortable in a role that works for them. That comfort comes at a price of everyone having to fulfill more roles, of course. Division of labor is still healthy (especially in this economy!) and we as a people are still working on what that looks like, outside of the gendered tradition. Modern living still assumes the existence of an unpaid laborer at home, and this leads to a lot of tired, broke people augmenting with paid labor (such as meal kits or other services). We certainly have a long way to go.

But responding to the new bacon brussel sprout skillet being a little undercooked and over-seasoned by suggesting a hot turkey sandwich instead isn’t the Gotcha! that Conservatives wish it was, because what we really need as a societal restaurant is to perfect our roasting technique on things that will actually improve dinner service for everyone, not just remind them of “The Olden Days.”

You want to run America like a business? Then step up, and compete, like a business.

Hi, my pronouns are they/them. I don’t fit into the traditional man or woman categories, and I don’t think it makes any sense for me to try to. I am myself, I am a problem-solver, I am an educator, and I suppose somewhere around here I have a set of genitals and secondary sex characteristics—but unless we get really, really friendly, I hardly see how that last bit needs to be any of your business.

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Did I open my laptop to work on Red Queen? Yes. Did I do that? No.

#gender theory #gender discourse #autism #autigender #wwii history #avoiding responsibilities #us politics #social commentary #gender is a social construct

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