#back to how hopeful and connected and whatever i felt. and living in lockdown all over again doesn’t help but i don’t have the strength to c

[pepprs]

covid is such an evil evil disease and an evil evil thing to live through lol

[denimbex1986]

'Ever since his breakout role in lockdown TV smash Normal People, Paul Mescal, a Screen Star of Tomorrow in 2020, has proved himself to be an alluring presence, capable of enormous empathy and range, be it on stage or screen.

In Andrew Haigh’s All Of Us Strangers, a haunting adaptation of Taichi Yamada’s 1987 novel Strangers, Mescal vividly portrays Harry, neighbour to Andrew Scott’s Adam. The two men live in the same east London tower block and meet one evening when Harry drunkenly turns up at the door of Adam’s apartment, where he is rebuffed. Eventually, the two men begin a relationship, as Adam, a lonely screenwriter, revisits his suburban childhood home where he somehow meets his mother and father (played by Claire Foy and Jamie Bell), who died in a car crash when he was nearly 12.

All Of Us Strangers — which Searchlight Pictures opened in the US in December and the UK in late January following its premiere at Telluride — was a no-brainer for Mescal, offering him the opportunity to work with Andrews Haigh and Scott — “it would be difficult for a film with those two people at the centre of it to go wrong” — as well as the chance to play someone “a little bit more forward than other characters I’ve played”.

Mescal opted to have Harry, whose family have effectively disowned him for being gay, come from Leeds. “There’s something interesting about him escaping some place like Leeds and coming to London, hoping for a more expansive life, and having a smaller one when he gets there,” explains Mescal. “I can relate to that feeling of leaving a place, hoping for something because it’s been dictated to you that life happens in the big city. But if your family doesn’t accept you, doesn’t give [you love], you’re fucked before you begin. So, I was working back from that. A lot of acting should feel intuitive.”

By the time the film ends, a major revelation — spoiler alert — recalibrates our view of Harry. When Mescal first read the script, he was floored by what is revealed. “Then it made total sense, because it’s not about what’s real, what’s not. It’s about what do we feel?” As such, Mescal plays Harry as a real person rather than, say, a ghost. “Because he’s also unaware of what’s going on. For all intents and purposes, he is as real as Adam is. That would have been one of the only things that would have made me not want to be involved — if there was a prerequisite to do ‘spooky acting’.”

As Adam’s memories and reveries coalesce with his reality, he reconnects with his dead parents, which allows him to open up and find connection and romance with the mysterious Harry. “We knew each other a little bit. Grew to know each other quite well during the filming, and have been getting closer and closer and closer,” says Mescal of Scott. “What he does in this film is an absolute joke in terms of the standard of performance and how lightly he wears it.”

Connective tissue

On screen, the two Ireland-born actors have what critics and casting directors like to call ‘chemistry’, in much the same way Mescal and Edgar-Jones had ‘chemistry’ in Normal People, even if he bristles at the term. “It’s not a word that actors [use],” Mescal insists. “But you must endeavour a little bit to try and fall in love, in whatever that capacity is. And Andrew is a very easy person to fall in love with. He’s kind, generous, talented. We shot the film at the perfect junction in our friendship where there was a lot we didn’t know about each other, but there was mutual admiration and respect. And a similar sense of humour.”

Remarkably, the pair had no rehearsal time together. Did they know instantly that their onscreen relationship was working? “Yeah, it felt fizzy when we were acting,” says Mescal. “Especially with that first scene at the door — it’s so well-written. You feel like you’re dancing through the scene, you can go in loads of different ways, and if I went one way, Andrew would go another. If that’s what chemistry is, I was aware it was happening.”

While All Of Us Strangers was nominated for six Baftas, including outstanding British film and supporting actor and actress for Mescal and Foy, Scott was, surprisingly, overlooked by the leading actor jury. “It’s the stuff of dreams to make a film that is independent, and for an organisation to recognise the film and your performance, Claire’s performance and Andrew Haigh,” begins Mescal, choosing his words carefully. “[But] I’m perplexed and confused. How can an institution recognise all those things and neglect that? It doesn’t make sense.

“This is not a criticism of anybody else’s performance in that category. It’s not even a criticism of Bafta. I think a mistake happened.”

In the aftermath of Normal People, while Edgar-Jones largely pursued opportunities in the US, Mescal stayed mostly in the UK doing smaller films, among them Aftersun (for which he was nominated for best leading actor by both Bafta and Oscar) and theatre (winning an Olivier Award for A Streetcar Named Desire). He says he was offered several big movies but, as both actor and viewer, is drawn to indie films.

One massive movie that did take Mescal’s fancy, however, was Gladiator 2, Ridley Scott’s upcoming sequel to his Oscar-winning epic, which Mescal recently wrapped following a strike-imposed hiatus. “You would struggle to find a single actor on the planet who would say no to Ridley Scott and Gladiator, because Gladiator was an amazing character study.

“I loved every second working with him,” he continues. “I loved having to adjust the way I’ve worked, particularly in the last couple of years, to work with somebody who’s the master of what he does. You don’t have to imagine anything. He gives you scale, he gives you extras, he gives you horses.

“Having said that,” adds Mescal, “I’m looking forward to doing something that will probably be predominantly single camera, a $7m-$8m film in the next couple of weeks.”

That film is Living director Oliver Hermanus’s The History Of Sound with Josh O’Connor, which has been in the works since 2020, and Mescal has already started shooting Richard Linklater’s musical Merrily We Roll Along, which, similar to the director’s Boyhood, is a years-of-filming odyssey. He also has Chloé Zhao’s Hamnet, in which he plays William Shakespeare, booked for later in the year.

While the likes of Hermanus’s film “will always feel like home”, Mescal notes regarding his Scott epic: “I felt an immense relief that the job still felt like the job, doing something like Gladiator, as it did on Aftersun, as it did on All Of Us Strangers. That was the big thing I didn’t know going into it — whether it would still feel the same.” Fortunately for Mescal — and for the breadth of roles the experience potentially opens up — it did.'

[fin-stabilized]

A reflection on identity, and a public apology to Hopscotch user we2fd

Years ago, around 2015, when I first moved back to shanghai, I found myself unable to connect to the things I used to love watching - YouTube in particular. However, I did still crave online interaction. So what I did was install the mobile app Hopscotch - an app where you can code things with simple shapes and an intuitive block coding system, as well as - critically for me - a way to upload your creations to the world. (Don’t try the app now if you think you’re interested - it’s been enshittified.)

Also in 2015, I was… insecure about my identity. Something had already felt wrong, with me feeling that maybe I wasn’t the boy that I made myself out to be, but at that time I didn’t know how to express it, and so I tried my absolute best to present as close to the status quo as possible - perhaps hoping that by defending the system enough that eventually I would fit in. And so, when I came across another user on the site trying to explore their own identity, saying that they could turn into a cat, I sort of latched on to the concept in the worst way possible.

Bogus biology on my part. Throwing random numbers out in an effort to seem logical - I remember very clearly the nights I spent fuming over the fact that someone couldn’t turn into a cat. It made me enemies, too, as people clearly more well-adjusted than I recognized that what I did was tantamount to bullying, and tried to intercede.

I was an asshole! and a hypocrite too - a scant few years earlier, when I still lived in Melbourne, I had prided myself on playing pretend with my friends at lunch break.

Another possible reason for my actions in those few months was that I was… kind of jealous, in an odd way. Being able to turn into a cat - wouldn’t that be fantastic? no need to do the song and dance I do now, just sprout fur and a tail and walk out, y’know?

But, I digress. Fact of the matter was, I wanted to be on the “right side” of the fight, I wanted to stand for reason and logic and science and just be the most *correct* person in the room, just so there was nothing wrong with me.

… Is it any wonder that I fell straight down the conservative rabbit hole?

From 2016 through 2019 my desire to be “right” brought me down the wrong path. I focused too much on confirming my own repression and it led me to hurt some of the people who I had been closest to at the time. I happily threw away relations on my path to being the most antagonistic student in my whole school. And, of course, the feeling never subsided. Instead, my thoughts on who I *really* am, my dissatisfaction with my body and name… they gnawed a hole in me that I couldn’t resolve ever.

Come 2020, however, and lockdown hit. I had gotten a VPN working for some time now, and I decided to hop on discord. I met people - real people with things to say, and I discovered that my experiences weren’t just me. It took me a while, but I grew out of that repression, realized that I was trans, and, more recently, began to experiment with otherkin things. but most importantly, I realized that I was wrong. Someone could be a cat, if they believed hard enough.

So, with all that in mind:

we2fd. If you’re out there, which you probably are, I hope this message finds you. And I hope you know that I, Hopscotch user Marron Cinq Coding, or whatever the hell name I came up with back in the day, was dead wrong on all counts. I’ve grown, and changed, and I’m fully convinced so have you; so, if you’re out there, and you remember that username being yours on that silly little coding app, please get in contact with me. I’d love to talk. And I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.

[bbrissonn]

𝐌𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐇𝐈𝐌 | ᴛʜᴏᴍᴀꜱ ʙᴏʀᴅᴇʟᴇᴀᴜ & ʙʀᴇɴᴅᴀɴ ʙʀɪꜱꜱᴏɴ

summary: y/n and briss go throught lost of emotions both together and individually. y/n’s ex and brendan’s best friend, thomas, being the main reason of those emotions. 

disclaimer: not proofread. you might wanna get some tissues...

warnings: a lot of swear words, emotional briss, bords being a complete asshole

pairing: brendan brisson x pastujov!reader, slight mention of thomas bordeleau x pastujov!reader

wc: 7.1k

taglist: @ethancale @owenpwr @owenpowpow @hockey-lover-22 @hockey-lover86 @hugheshugs @lukehhughes @hockeyboysarehot @flyersislescanes @1-800-iluvhockey @nolanmoyle @idblowbordeleau @oskarlidblom @brenbrisson

series masterlist

you sigh as you check your phone for the 10th time in the last 5 minutes. your text conversation opened as you waited for his reply. i miss you, read was all you could see on it as you waited and waited. you could hear the music coming from downstairs, and the boy’s yelling at whatever was playing on the tv. 

it had been almost a week since your brother rudely interrupted your nice morning with the brisson boy. as you had guessed, he had you in lockdown in the guest bedroom of his house 24/7, only letting you leave to go to class. but he didn’t know you’d sneak out by your window once or twice a week to go take a long walk to clear your head. 

you barely left the small room that had now become yours, and when you did, the guys wouldn't even acknowledge you, ask you if you were okay, nothing. you knew their reaction would be pretty bad, but you didn’t expect it to be like this, none of them talked to you anymore, only mike and it was only small interactions. like him bringing you food or bringing you your clean laundry. it hurt you a lot more than you thought it would, you had known some of these guys for years, and they were like your brothers, and now they all felt like strangers. 

it felt like you were living in a house with people who never cared about you, who had never cheered you up when you felt down. but worst of all, you hadn’t talked or seen brendan since that morning. you’d sent him texts every day, but never got a response. but he saw all of them, making your heart hurt even more. you barely spoke to your parents and brother’s as well, all of them being disappointed in your decisions.

you knew you had really fucked up when even kent, whom you sat next to in your poetry class, didn’t ask you to work together in class anymore. you cried yourself to sleep every night, hoping you’d wake up the next morning and you’d be back at the beginning of the year, that way you could start over again, and none of this would be happening. 

you stared at the ceiling as you waited for your phone to ding, when your stomach made a noise it had never done before. afterall, the last time you ate was at around noon and it was almost 8 p.m. you took all the energy you had left in you to get out of bed and slowly make your way out of the bedroom. when you reached the top of the stairs, you deeply considered just asking mike if he could bring you food. but you realize you were gonna have to learn how to deal with all of the guys acting like you didn’t exist. you threw the hood of your hoodie on your head, hoping to hide your tear stained face, before making your way down the stairs. 

when you reached the bottom, a couple of eyes turned towards you, but you just stared at the ground as you made your way to the kitchen. when you arrived in the small room, there was one other person standing near the counter, someone you could recognize from a mile away. 

“bren?” you asked in a small voice, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear. luckily for you, he did and he turned around. a smile quickly appeared on your face as you walked towards him, with your opens open. only when you went to give him a hug, he pushed your arms around and stepped back, making your face fall. 

“w–what’s wrong?” you asked as your eyes connected with his. they were full of betrayal and anger as they started to get watery. 

“don’t ever text me again.” he said, his voice as small as yours was before, making your jaw drop a bit. he broke eye contact as he walked past you, bumping into your shoulder. you were frozen, you didn’t know what to do. not even a week ago he was telling you about how everything was gonna be okay, and how he’d always be there for you, and now he never wanted to talk to you again? 

“why’d you come down?” your brother’s harsh voice brought you out of your trance. you wiped away the tears that had fallen on your face before turning around to look at him. 

“i’m hungry–” 

“go back to you room. i’ll bring you something.” 

“why?” you questioned him, wondering why you couldn’t make yourself something to eat. mike was quiet for a couple of seconds before answering you. 

“you’re making everyone uncomfortable, y/n.” he said in a soft voice, you looked through the hole in the wall, where you could see the living room where they all were, and he was right. none of them were talking, they were all looking at you with different faces. some angry, other’s dumbfounded, while some of them looked at you like you had murdered someone, making you wanna cry. 

people who once always wanted you around, now look like they wanted you to disappear from the face of earth. you nodded a bit as you looked down at your feet, tears slowly falling from eyes again. 

“i’m sorry.” you whispered as you walked past mike, quickly walking past all the other guys and up the stairs. when you got back in bed, you completely broke down. you truly didn’t understand why they were acting this way, or why briss was acting this way. you knew what you had done was bad, but you didn’t expect them to hate you. 

when mike came to give you some food, you didn’t answer him when he called or name, you didn’t open the door when he asked you for the fifth time. you didn’t even eat what he had left in front of the door, which he threw in the trash the next morning when he saw the bowl of pasta untouched in the same place he had left it the previous night. 

~

the next day, you were sitting at a bench at a park near the house. it was still fairly cold outside, so you had your hoodie and small coat on. your knees were tucked into your chest as your arms rested on them, and your forehead leaned on your forearms. it was the afternoon, meaning almost no one was around. it was just you and your thoughts. you hadn’t seen any of the guys since last night, not even your brother. you had left the house through your window, which was definitely dangerous, but you didn’t want to see any of them.

you were so much concentrated on your thoughts that you didn’t even realize someone sat next to you until they spoke up. 

“hey.” they said, you raised your head to look at the person, and to your surprise it wasn’t any of the guys. it was audrey, matty’s girlfriend, but you did see matty sitting on a bench far away. 

“hi.” you said back with a sad smile. you were a little confused as to why she was talking to you so calmly, or why she was even talk to you in the first place. 

“how you feeling?” 

“aren’t you supposed to like hate me or something?” you asked with a sigh as your head fell into your forearms again. she placed a hand on your back before answering you. 

“i don’t know, do you think i should hate you?” she asked you in a voice you had often heard her use towards her boyfriend. you smiled a bit before looking at her again. 

“no. i know what i did wasn’t smart, but i don’t they should hate me because of it.” you answered her honestly, making her smile. 

“i wanna hear your side of the story. we only bords’ and we all know he can be a bit… dramatic.” she said, making you nod before sitting up straight. 

“i don’t really know where to start, and it might be all over the place, but i’ll try my best. okay, so, if you couldn’t already tell, briss has had a crush on me pretty much ever since we met. then we became really close and he was my best friend, but then bords would be with us a lot as well, then me and him started hanging out just the two of us and somehow we ended up catching feelings for each other. we went on a couple of dates before he asked me, and i said yes, but we had agreed not the tell mike right away. then one night at a party i lied to mike saying i wasn’t feeling good and then briss drove me home. we talked that night and he told me he figured out i had a boyfriend, but he didn’t know who. and when i decided to tell mike about me and bords, everything went to shit.” you started, audrey was listening to every word you were saying, nodding along, making you feel a little better. none of the guys had asked for your side of the story, but here she was. 

“i thought that by telling mike i’d be more happy, you know? ‘cause then bords and i wouldn’t have to hide our relationship, but then briss started acting all weird around us. so i asked him about it, and he told me that being friends with me hurt him because i knew how he felt about me and i was dating his best friend, so we stopped being friends after that. and then after i was like, really not happy, and i kept asking myself why and–”

“it’s because you didn’t have briss in your life.” audrey cut you off with a sad smile on her face, making you nod a bit. 

“but i am confused as to what briss has to do with any of this…” she then added, clearly confused. you started at her for a bit before speaking again.

“didn’t– didn’t bords tell you guys..?” you asked, also clearly confused.

“tell us what?” 

“i broke up with him so i could be with briss.” you said making her eyes grow wide and her jaw drop. well clearly bords hadn’t told them any of this. 

“he didn’t– he said– so, wait, you didn’t cheat on him?” she asked, still confused. this time, your eyes grew wide and your jaw dropped. 

“what? no! is that what he said?” you said completely shocked. that was the farthest thing from the truth, but if had told the team that you cheated, it would make a lot more sense as to why they all hate you. 

“yeah? he said you had been cheating on him for the last month or something.” she explained, making you even more shocked, now this was getting interesting. 

“i didn’t though! i swear i didn’t cheat on him. why would he even say–” 

“y/n, it’s okay. i believe you, and honestly i’ve never really believed his story, neither do matty and truss. when he told us, there were so many things that didn’t feel right, i know you’d never do that.” she quickly calmed you down, placing a hand on your shoulder. 

“then why did they believe him?” you asked her, clearly still agitated from the reveal.

“y/n/n, you know how gullible those guys are…” 

“okay, but why is bren like way more mad at me than the rest of them?” you asked quickly, because you truly didn’t understand why he was acting the way he was. 

“i–i don’t know, y/n/n. but i do know what bords told him something, like he only told briss that thing. i truly don’t know what he said.” she said, no one besides bords and briss knew the words that were exchanged between the two of them. 

“aud, you have to help me–”

“i will, y/n, i will. but you need to calm down first.” she said in a calm voice. you tried to get your breathing to it’s regular speed as audrey waved matty over. once you were calm enough, you explained everything to matty again. he didn’t interrupt once, he just listenned and nodded ever once in a while. after that, the three of you came up with a plan to get the guys to listen to you. first, you’d talk to mike alone, since he was your brother of course. then, you’d either try to talk to briss or confront bords, that you hadn’t decided yet. finally, once everything was cleared up between the three of you, you’d tell the rest of the guys.

~

“you wanted to talk?” mike asked as he walked into your bedroom a couple of days later. you had felt less miserable since audrey and matty knew the actual story, you talked to the both of them a couple of times since your afternoon at the park. 

“yeah.” you answered as you patted the spot next to you on the mattress, after mike sat down, you started explaining everything to him.

“i didn’t cheat on bords. i swear to you, i never would’ve done anything like that, and you know that mike.” you said, your voice giving up on you a bit at the end. you felt a little hurt by the thought of your brother actually thinking you would do something like that. 

“then why didn’t you say anything, squish?”

“‘cause i didn’t know what bords had told you that story. i broke up with him because i wasn’t happy anymore, and yes i have feelings for briss, but i never did anything with him until me and bords were over. i’d never cheat on anyone, especially your teammate or your best friend.” you explained, tears were threatening to fall from your eyes at any second, but you held them back. you were tired of crying for having feelings and wanting to be happy. mike didn’t react until almost a minute later, you thought he’d start freaking out because you said you liked brendan, but he didn’t. 

“i only believed him because you didn’t say anything, y/n/n. i know you’d never do something like that, it didn’t make sense to me. i know i should’ve talked to you about it, but you were reacting as if it was true. i’m sorry.” he said before bringing you into a hug, a much needed one. a couple of tears fell from your eyes, but you weren’t full on sobbing. 

“‘t was about time you realized you liked briss, the guy’s been in love with you for like a year.” he said making you laugh a bit. you pulled back and looked at him, only to see him smiling at you. 

“you’re not mad?” 

“why would i be mad?” 

“because i’m breaking your rules again, and i broke the second rule too.” 

“you said it yourself squish, you can’t control how you feel. and it wasn’t fair for me to put those rules for you and the guys. if you want to be with briss and he makes you happy, like really happy, then go for it. i could tell you weren’t happy with bordy.” he said, making you smile, only your smile dropped when you remembered briss was beyond pissed at you.

“he hates me, mike. he told me to never text him again, that’s just saying ‘don’t ever talk to me again’. how am i supposed to explain everything to him if he won’t even talk to me?” 

“we’ll figure something out, bug. but right now, i’m going over to bordeleau’s house and i’m beating his ass.” mike said, quickly letting his protective brother side take over. 

“mike you can’t. that’s just gonna cause more trouble. plus, i wanna talk to him myself.” you said, trying to calm him down a bit. he was clearly pissed at thomas for what he had done. 

“fine. but, i wanna be in the same house as the two of you when you talk to him.”

“deal.”

~

the next day, you had decided to go try to talk to briss. after spending the rest of the day with your brother and talking with him about the situation, you sorta had an idea of what you were gonna say. it was the middle of the afternoon, meaning only two or three other guys would be home, and they’d be in their rooms. 

you didn’t knock as you just entered their house and walked towards brendan’s room, like you had done multiple times before. your brother was waiting in his car in front of the house, you had told him you’d text him if anything went wrong after he tried to convince you to let him come in with you. as you approached briss’ room, you heard another voice coming from behind the door. bords’ voice. you stopped dead in your tracks. you quickly sent a text to mike, telling him about thom being there as well. he told you he was coming in and that he’d be waiting in the living. slowly, you walked up to the door and knocked. 

you heard commotion coming from behind the door as you heart started beating faster and in your chest. soon, the door opened and you were face to face with brendan. his smile dropped when he saw you and he started closing the door right away. 

“go home.” was all he said as the door closed, but you quickly placed your body in front of it so it wouldn’t. 

“i wanna talk, please. i don’t know what bordeleau told you, but i swear he lied to you bren. which by the way, you’re a real fucking asshole for lying to everyone thomas!” you said, your voice changing in between your sentences. the first one being soft, and the second one full of anger. 

“i didn’t lie about shit!” you heard him yell back as the door flew open and the two boys were now standing in front of you. brendan’s face was full of hurt and confusion, while bords’ was red with anger. you truly didn’t understand why he was angry. 

“yes you did! you told everyone that i cheated on you when i didn’t! i broke up with you because you didn’t make me happy, and you probably never truly did. you can’t fucking accept the fact that i don’t love you and you went all crazy spreeding lie about me. my own fucking mother didn’t talk to me for a week because of you! so you have no fucking rights to be angry and to continue to lie to everyone about me.” you said pointing your finger at him, out of the corner of your eyes, you could see mike standing at the top of the staircase, his eyes staring into bords like daggers. 

“well maybe if you weren’t such a fucking slut i wouldn’t need to have spreed those lies about you! i mean seriously, first me, and then briss. who’s next on the team?” thomas said, his voice full of anger. your jaw dropped at his words. the man who once claimed he was in love with you was now slut shaming you. you didn’t realize what was going on until mike was in front of you grabbing the boy the collar of his shirt. 

“watch your fucking mouth when you talk about my sister!” mike yelled as he pulled bords out of the doorway and pushed him up against the wall of the hallway. the loud thud making the boys who were still home peak their heads out of their rooms by interest. only, they didn’t expect to see mike hovering over bords. 

“the truth hurts sometimes. not sorry i’m the one who had to knock some sense into her.” bords answer back, making mike even angrier. if there was one thing in the world that made mike angrier than being disrespectful to his sibling, it was people telling him they cared about his sister or brothers and that they’d never hurt them, only to do the complete opposite later on. even worse if it’s in front of him. 

“what’s going on?” beech asked as he and mackie walked towards the four of you. you were still in the same spot as before, your eyes still staring at the spot thomas previously stood at. brendan was looking at you, his face full of emotions that no one could describe. 

“briss, take her in your room.” mike whispered, his voice also full of anger as he stared into thomas’ soul. brendan quickly nodded and softly grabbed your arm before pulling you in his room and closing the door. you didn’t react as he pulled you in, or when he hesitantly wrapped his arms around you. it wasn’t until you heard his voice that you came back to earth. 

“i’m sorry. i’m sorry i didn’t talk to you about it to ask you if it was true or not. i–i am so sorry y/n/n.” he whispered into your hair, his voice was soft and low. you didn’t answer, instead, you wrapped your arms around his torso and buried your head in his chest as a tear fell from your eye. 

“b, it’s okay–” 

“but it’s not. i never should've believed him, half of the things he was saying didn’t make sense and i didn’t believe him at first, but then when he told me– when he told me you only came over to my house to try and sleep with me to ‘prove’ to him that you could get anyone, i– i lost it. i know you’d never do anything like because you’re one of the kindest and nicest person i’ve ever met and i’m a real fucking asshole for believe bords and– and then ignoring you when you needed me and telling you to never text me again–  i– fuck, words can’t explain how sorry i am, y/n.” he said, pulling away from you, his hands cupping your cheeks and leaning his forehead against yours.

“then why didn’t you come talk to me, or– or ask me about it?” you understood what he was saying, but you were still hurt that he didn’t ask you and just believed bords. he sighed before answering your question. 

“‘cause i’m insecure, i’ve always been. there was just a part of me that kept saying that what he said was true and– and i tried to tell myself that it wasn’t, i really did but i– i just couldn’t. and i’m so sorry i couldn’t squish, i’m so fucking sorry–” 

“bren, stop apologizing for stuff you can’t control. we’re good, okay? that’s all i care about.” you said as your eyes locked together for the first time. the next thing you knew, his lips were on yours as his arms wrapped around your shoulder. you quickly kissed him back as your hands moved to the side of his neck and the back if it, playing with his small hairs. the two of you slowly pulled away and his forehead was on yours yet again, big smiles on both of your faces. 

you had almost forgotten about what was going on in the hallway, until you heard a thud and voices yelling, making you jump a bit. you waited to go see what was happening, but brendan was quick to wrap his arms around your waist and bring you over to his bed. he signaled for you to lay down, and once you did, he laid on top of you. 

“you could’ve at least let me take off my shoes.” you whispered as he laid his head on your chest, his arms still wrapped around you. 

“i’ll do it for you!” he quickly said, before pushing himself up. you laughed a bit as he untied both your shoes and threw them on the ground before laying in the same position as before. 

“now what would i do without you?” 

“you’d die, honestly. i mean look at me.” he said, pretending to flip his hair off his shoulder. his statement made you truly laugh and smile, something you really needed in the moment. 

“how long have you felt like this?” 

“huh?” 

“how long have you felt insecure?” you asked again in a soft voice, not wanting to touch any of his sensible strings. he truly didn’t seem like the type of the guy to be insecure, he was always outgoing and always talking with everyone. but then again, he could just be putting up the tough guy act in front of the others.

“a long time. i think it started when i was probably like 15 or something. my dad just always put a lot of pressure on me growing up, and i know he didn’t try to do it on purpose, but it was still hard. it felt like everything wasn’t enough and he’d always compare me to other kids my age. plus, he’s well known, you know, i didn’t want to disappoint him by being some shitty player who’d never even commit to college.” now this, this was completely new information to you. you knew pat put a lot of pressure on his son from what you saw at his draft, but you didn’t think it made him feel this way. 

“have you talked to someone about it?” 

“no. you’re the only one.” his words made your heart ache for him, you hated that he’d been feeling this way for so long and no one knew. but you loved how he trusted you with this information, how you were the only one he told about it. it made you feel special to him, like you had a side of him that nobody else would ever get.

“i’m always here if you wanna talk about it, b. always.” you said as you played with his hair. the voices from the hallways were starting to become louder and louder, and every part of you wanted to go out there, but you didn’t. you wanted to be with brendan at the moment, especially after the information he just revealed to you. from the outside, he looked like one of the happiest person you’ve ever met, but inside, he was hurting. and it truly broke your heart that he’s been holding in his emotions for so long. 

“i know. honestly, you’re one of the only people who’s actually cared about how i feel. not many people have told me i could always talk to them and they’d always listen to me. and i love that about you, you always make sure your friends are okay, and you actually listen. like, you don’t interrupt people mid-sentence. you just listen, and not many people do that for me.” he said, his voice breaking a bit. you felt water drop on your shirt, making you wrap your arms around his neck and pull him as close to you as possible. 

“you should talk to your parents about this, bren. they need to know, ‘cause if you don’t tell them, especially your dad, things aren’t gonna get better.” 

“i know, i’ve tried but i– i just don’t know how to tell them. like with you, i don’t have to think about what i’m gonna say next, it just comes naturally, and i love that. but with them, it’s like i’m scared of how they’re gonna react.” he admitted, his voice still breaking as more tears fell onto your shirt. you rubbed his back with one hand and pressed small kisses to the top of his head. the voices had moved from the hallway to downstairs, but somehow, it was like they got louder. 

“i could try to help you. i’m not a specialist but i could try to help you tell them. i could be next to you when you tell them and you just have to pretend like you’re talking to me.” you said after a couple of seconds of silence. 

“you’d do that?” he asked, sniffing a bit after. he moved himself so he was laying next to you, and you moved so you were laying on your side. face to face, chest to chest. 

“if it means that’ll help you feel better, then yeah. i can tell you’re hurting, b, and i hate that. i really do.” you whispered, rubbing his cheek with your thumb, whipping his tears away at the same time. you heard a door slam, the yelling stopping right after while footsteps started coming up the stairs. 

“i meant everything i said that morning, you know?” 

“everything?” 

“everything, bren. i’m sorry i didn’t realize sooner.” you said as the footsteps came close and closer to the door. this time, instead of just bursting through the door, your brother knocked.

“i love you.” brendan whispered while looking into your eyes. you couldn’t help but laugh at the moment, it was in completely other circumstances than when you had told him.

“i love you.” you said back with a big smile, but brendan’s door slowly opened and your brother’s head popped in. all he could see was you back and brendan’s face, his eyes softened at the way the brisson boy looked at you. he coughed a bit, making you turn around and send him a smile. 

“take care of her, brisson.”

“i will.” he said with a smile on his face. he couldn’t believe this was actually happening, he had spent the last year and a half completely in love with you, and mike always told him you were off limits. and here he was, giving him approval to date you.

“what happened?” you asked in a low voice, you didn’t see any blood on your brother so you were hoping that was a good sign. 

“we’ll talk about it later, okay?” your brother said before walking out of the room and closing the door behind himself. 

“told you he’d be fine with me dating you.” brendan said, seconds after mike had left, making you let out a small laugh. 

“you haven’t asked me out yet, brisson.” you said as you turned around in his arms. he had one of the biggest smile on his face and you couldn’t help but press a kiss to the tip of his nose. 

“gotta take you out on a date first, pastujov.” 

~

“i had fun tonight.” you told brendan as the two of you sat in his car in front of your brother’s house. he had taken you out on a date to a small restaurant and you guys had gone bowling after. it was nice to spend some time with him, especially since it had been ages since the two of you had done something together alone. you still lived in your brother’s house, after the guys had convinced you to stay with them. 

“glad you did. would’ve been more fun if you let us get ice cream after, but whatever.” he said with sass, making you roll your eyes. he had try to convince you to get ice cream for about 5 minutes, but you refused as it wasn’t apart of his diet and he’d probably get in trouble. 

“you wanna come in?” you asked him with a smile.

“sure.” he answered before getting out of the car, walking over to your door and opening it for you. 

“my lady.” he said in a horrible british accent as he held out a hand for you to grab. you chuckles a bit before grabbing it and climbing out of the passenger seat. the two of you walked hand in hand towards the front door. when you walked in, all the guys were in the living room and they all quickly looked at the two of you. they all had small smirks on their faces, some of them wiggling their eyebrows. but you noticed your brother wasn’t there. 

“how was the night, lovebirds?” 

“where’s mike?” you and nolan said at the same, the room was silent before someone came down the stairs behind you. 

“someone’s waiting in your room for you.” mike said with a small smile before joining the rest of the guys, most of whom had gone back to what they were doing before. you looked at brendan, wanting to know if he knew anything. 

“text me if you need anything, alright? i’ll be down here.” he said, clearly confused as to what was happening. you nodded a bit before he let go of your hand and joined the guys as well. you slowly made your way up the stairs of the house and towards your room. when you opened the door, you saw thomas sitting on the chair at your desk. 

“oh hell no. get out.” you said as soon as you saw him. he quickly looked at you and opened his mouth in protest. 

“i don’t care what you have to say, thomas. leave.” 

“5 minutes, please. just give me 5 minutes to explain.” he pleaded as he got up and walked towards you. he tried to place a hand on your shoulder but you quickly moved it away before it even touched you. 

“i’m counting.” you groaned as you walked past him and sat down on your bed. he took his original spot and started talking. 

“i’m, um, i’m sorry, for what i said and for what i did. i was just mad and i know that’s not an excuse, but i swear i didn’t mean to hurt you, y/n. i was angry that you liked briss more than me so i just told truss and matty you cheated on me when they asked me after you left. which i know is really fucked up to and i regret it, i really do. i didn’t think they’d tell all the other guys so quickly, or even your brother. i was being dumb and i realize that i shouldn’t of had done that. and i’m sorry for calling you a slut, i was letting my anger get the best of you, i truly didn’t mean it. you’re an amazing, kind and sweet person and you deserve someone who’ll treat you like you deserve to be treated. and i know briss is that person for you, even though i hate that it isn’t me, i’m happy for you. i–i just always had a feeling that the two of you would end up together and that you guys were like in love with each other last year. so when you gave me a chance i thought you had finally moved on and i kept telling myself that you were. but i realize that all i was doing was hurting you and briss. you guys deserve each other, he deserves you way more than i do. i didn’t come here to try and win you back or something, i just– i don’t want things to be awkward between us three, and that you guys don’t need to feel bad for being together. i respect your decision and i truly am happy for the two of you. i just want to make amends or whatever it’s called, i’m not asking you to be my friend or have any sort of relationship with him, i just want things to be normal between everyone.”  

you truly didn’t know what to say, you wanted to forgive the boy as he was one of your best friends before the two of you dated, but then again, he had hurt you. but you agreed with him, you didn’t want things to be weird between any of you guys. plus, it was barely january, the boys still had four months left to their season, you didn’t want to be the reason why there was tension in the locker room. 

the two of you sat in silence for a couple of minutes, bords waiting for your answer, while you tried to find the right words. but neither of you broke the silence, briss did as he softly knocked on your door and opened it slowly. his face light up when he saw you, but it quickly dropped when he saw thom sitting on your chair. he looked between the two of you and couldn’t help but think the worst, but he was deeply wishing he was just imagining things. bords knew how brendan felt in the moment, they’d known each other since they babies after all. 

“everything okay?”

“i was just apologizing.” the two spoke at the same time, making you look between the two of them. you knew how much they loved each, they were best friends before anything, and you hated that you were the reason things weren’t okay between the two of them. 

“you also need to apologize to him, you know.” you spoke softly as you looked down at your feet. brendan closed the door fully and you tapped the spot on your bed next to you, he then sat down. your thighs were touching and you wrapped your arms around his arm as you leaned your head on his arm as well. 

“i, uh– i’m sorry, dude. for lying to you and everyone else, and for messing up things between the two of you. i swear i never meant for any of this to hap–”

“you knew i liked her.” brendan quickly cut him off, his voice full of betrayal and hurt as he looked at bords in the eyes. you couldn’t help but feel that this was a conversation they should be having alone, but you also knew they both had pretty short tempers. 

“i know–” 

“then why’d you do it? i told you i was planning on talking to mike soon and you went behind my back, for two fucking months. i mean, who does that to their best friend?” brendan asked, his voice still full of betrayal and hurt, but also anger. 

“i’m not the only one to blame here–” 

“that’s a shitty way of apologizing, bordeleau.” you cut him off quickly, brendan had never told you he had actual feelings for you, but bords did. 

“i told you how i felt because i trusted you, and then you just stabbed me in the back? after telling me i should go for it and that mike would agree? and you dare blame her because she didn’t know, but you did. you’re the reason this is happening right now, you’re the reason why things have been awkward in the locker room. and then you lie about why you guys broke up? you hurt me, twice, and then you hurt her. what the actually fuck is wrong with you?” brendan raised his voice slightly at the end. you could tell he was getting emotional and you saw how his eyes watered as he talked. one of your hands went to his back and you slowly rubbed it up and down, trying to provide any type of comfort you could. 

“look, i know that what i did was fucked up, okay? but i have feelings too. you waited and waited to make a move and i didn’t. and i’m not gonna apologize for going after something i wanted. not that i wanted to control you or anything–” he quickly added when he realized how bad it sounded. 

“keep apologizing, thomas.” you said in a stern voice, you wanted to forgive him, but he hurt you and one of the people you love the most on the planet at the same time. and if briss didn’t feel like forgiving him, then neither were you. 

“i’m sorry for what i did, i truly am. i put myself before our friendship and i regret it, i really do. i knew you guys loved each other, that’s why i told you to make a move, but you didn’t. then me and y/n started spending more time together and i felt like she was finally moving on from you so i tried to shoot my shot. i didn’t think she’d say yes, thought maybe it’d help you finally do something about it. but then i started letting my emotions take over and i’m sorry about that. i never meant for us to actually date, at least not for that long. i thought about myself first, and i shouldn’t have had.” thomas finally explained, brendan wanted to interrupt him a lot of times, but you’d pinch his arm a bit every time you saw his mouth open. 

“you’re a shitty friend, bords.” brendan finally spoke in a small voice as a tear fell from his eyes. he tried to help him finally make a move, but just ended up stabbing him in the back. 

“i know.” thom answered with his head down. 

“for the past 2 years, every time i had a problem i always went to you because i trusted you. every time someone asked me who my best friend was, i always said you. i forgive you, but i’ll never forget the you way you betrayed me. the way you just stabbed me in the back like our friendship meant nothing to you.” brendan spoke as more tears fell from his eyes. you were quick to wipe them away with your thumb while pressing a small kiss to his cheek. 

“i’m gonna go to the bathroom.” briss then said as he got up from the bed and walked out of the room. you knew he didn’t truly need to go to the bathroom, he just wanted to be alone to let his emotions out. when he closed the door again, you looked at thomas, who was staring at his shoes. 

“i think you should go home for the night, he’s gonna need some time.” you said in the nicest voice possible, but it still sounded a bit rude and you knew that. bords nodded his head a bit before walking out of the room as well. you followed quickly, but went in the opposite direction as him, going to go find brendan. 

when you opened the door to the bathroom, briss was holding himself up on the sink with his hands as he looked at himself cry in the mirror. his eyes were red and his nose was stuffy, making him sniffle almost every second. once you closed the door behind you, you quickly wrapped your arms around his neck and brought him into your chest. that’s when he broke down completely, and you understood why. the words exchanged between them only minutes ago were completely new information to you.

“it’s okay, bren, it’s okay. i’m here for you, alright? i’m not going anywhere.” you whispered in his ear as you rubbed the back of his head. you had never seen briss cried, so you knew this hurt him a lot. 

“i-it’s hurts, y/n/n. i t–trusted him, and he just– he just–” he didn’t finish what he was saying, instead he replaced his words with sobs. 

“i know it does, babe, but i’m here for you, no matter what. i love you, brenny.” 

“i love you squish.”

[ketamineharry]

I Love Me - Harry Lewis

Requested - Yes ~ can I request an ethan/Harry one where the reader is curvy (bigger boobs/bum/hips etc) compared to Talia + Freya and the other girlfriends and they are on holiday with everyone and the reader feels a bit insecure and scared of what everyone will think when they look at photos, have photo shoots and insta comments, love you and your writing!! 🤍

Trigger Warnings: Body image issues, self-confidence issues

Authors Note: This was originally requested as a holiday, but I changed it slightly as my most recent imagine was a holiday themed one. I hope you don’t mind!

As you entered the restaurant, an uneasy feeling took over you. Usually, being seen out in public with your friends, and your boyfriend Harry wouldn’t phase you — but over lockdown, you had put on a few pounds. Expressing your emotions in a healthy way, had never been your forte so when the lockdown restrictions hit, instead of going to the local pub to drink your sorrows away, with a group of friends you had turned to eating. Comfort eating had become the norm whenever you felt sad, lonely, happy, or to put it more accurately whenever you felt anything.

While you had been piling on the pounds, Talia and Freya, had been keeping to a strict fitness regime. So naturally, they looked incredible. While you just felt deflated. To make matters worse, this was a Sidemen dinner, meaning that not only were there going to be pictures, but eyes were going to be firmly on your table.

Instinctively, as you walked you grabbed for Harry’s hand. Thankfully, he was slightly in front of you, so you could hide yourself behind his broad frame. As soon as your fingers entwined, you found a sense of serenity; despite how short lived that may have been.

As the others crowded around the table, trying to figure out seating arrangements, you focussed your energy in trying to remain calm. All you wanted was to have a seat on the outskirts, so that you wouldn’t have to participate in the group Instagram photos. The self-loathing from the way you looked in this moment was enough to fuel your insecurities for a good few months, you certainly didn’t need the constant reminder on Instagram too.

Luckily, you managed to secure the seat you wanted. Josh, being the father of the group dictated where everyone else was going to sit. Usually, there was a rule of thumb that you sat in couples; but you had ended up sitting in between JJ and Freya. Harry was on the opposite side of the table, his phone in one hand, completely engrossed in an app, knowing him it was most likely Twitter. However, in this seating arrangement you felt sick. Your one lifeline, although not ridiculously far from you, had been cut off. You were going to have to brave this one out.

The waiter approached the table and introduced themselves. He had a cheery disposition until they made eye contact with you, their fake customer service smile fading as he served you his best judgemental glare. It lasted a split second, but you knew what it meant. The feeling of being out of your depth was confirmed in that look, it wasn’t just you that felt it, it was felt by those looking in on this dynamic of people. Why would they want to associate themselves with you?

“And for the lady?” He asked, glancing over at you again. His demeanour changed once more. You remained silent for a moment, mulling over whether to ask for what you actually wanted or order something that you didn’t want to avoid more disapproving glares.

“May I suggest the chicken caesar salad.” He adds, knocking you out of your stream of consciousness.

“That would be lovely thank you.” You respond. The last thing that you wanted was to cause a scene. In fact, the thing you wanted most was to be ignored, unseen. It was blatantly obvious what everyone was thinking, where their stares ended up… all on you.

The plates of food started to arrive, being placed before everyone. You looked around, envious. Their food all looked insanely good, Talia had mac and cheese while Freya had a vegetarian lasagne. To say that you were covetous, as you chowed down on some lettuce, was an understatement. Just some flavour would have been nice.

The same waiter came back to see if anyone wanted any desserts, Harry ordered a chocolate cake with some whipped cream and Freya ordered a cheesecake, Ethan wanted a coffee, the others weren’t really bothered though. What was made apparent, was that you weren’t even asked by the waiter.

Freya turned to you, a sympathetic look on her face. “Are you ok?” She asked, as she placed a hand on your shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” You mumbled unconvincingly, certain that Freya could pick up on how you were feeling. She had been sitting next to you the entire time after all.

“Let’s go to the ladies yeah? I’ll just text Josh to let him know what’s going on.” She said, as she retrieved her phone from her bag. She quickly sent the text before she grabbed your hand and directed you to the bathroom.

Freya held the door open for you, as you both walked inside, she went over to the sinks and climbed up on top of them. Crossing her arms. Inspecting you slightly.

“So, spill… what’s wrong with ya?” She questioned, with a small reassuring smile.

You took a deep breath in and out, as you tried to steady yourself. As much as you loved Freya, talking about your feelings to anyone was a challenge that you faced daily. It was hard enough being open with Harry about your feelings, and he was the person that you trusted most. Never mind one of your closest friends.

“I hate the way I look.” You confessed, as you subconsciously started to tug at the dress you were wearing. It all of a sudden felt too tight, too claustrophobic, as if the material had shrunk from the time it took you to walk from your table into the bathroom.

“You and Talia, you are both gorgeous and slim. I’m not that way at all. You can wear whatever you want and look good. If I so much as looked at a belly top, people would be disgusted.”

Freya remained silent, letting you ramble on about how much you hated your body and what you looked like. How out of place you felt and what you wish you could change about yourself. When you were finally finished, she jumped down off of the counter and engulfed you in a hug.

“Don’t you ever, ever feel like you aren’t good enough. You are the funniest person I have ever met. You make me belly laugh every single day. You spread so much positivity, and you make sure that everyone around you feels loved. I am slim, but do you know what… I’d kill for a rack like yours.” She whispered, as she comforted you.

“As for that asshole waiter who has been making you feel like shit all night, don’t think that no-one else has noticed it, because they have. They’re all too polite to embarrass him in public, but trust me, he’ll get his comeuppance. Now, wipe those tears and let’s go show him what a fucking bad ass bitch you are.” She laughed, as she grabbed your hand once again, as she led you back out to the table.

The bill was laid out on the table, the seven cards were placed on top of it as you rejoined the group.

“Here she is.” Harry beamed, as he reached out for you. You went and gave him a hug, before taking your seat again.

As the waiter collected the bill, Harry called him over. “I’d like to give you a cash tip, can you follow me outside so I can draw the cash out?” He asked. The waiter nodded, a gleam in his eye. Harry gave you a gesture, letting you know to follow him.

Once you were outside, how cold it was finally hit you. It made you recoil into yourself.

“Yeah, the tip I wanted to give you was to never, and I mean never try to ridicule my girlfriend about anything.” Harry said, swiftly connecting his right fist to the waiters cheek.

“Run.” He shouted, as he grabbed your hand, your feet pounding on the floor until you reached the car. You were both panting, leaning on each other for support.

“You do know you’re still a ten out of ten to me. No matter what.” Harry smiled, as he placed a kiss to the top of your head. “Now let’s go and get a McDonalds, because I know you’re still hungry and it’s your favourite.”

[kindahoping4forever]

A Little Bit Scandalous, Baby Don’t Let Them See It // Ashton Irwin

There’s really not much explanation for this one. Last month when the content started dropping from Calum’s birthday weekend at The Invisible House, my clown brain took over and I got an idea that just wouldn’t leave. I then unfortunately developed a migraine that also wouldn’t leave (lol) so I didn’t get to write this for a few weeks but once I sat down to do it, it was done in basically a day. I don’t often do plotless smut but I’ve decided to own this filth for what it is. Thanks to @cal-puddies​​ for convincing me not to add 2500 more words of justification and also for letting me know when I was describing this idea that I “went a little too Daddy” and it needed to be an Ash story even though it was about Cal’s birthday 😂

Warnings: Boyfriend!Ash meets Dom!Ash vibes including a fair amount of dirty talk, a few uses of “Daddy,” some general manhandling and loving roughness. Unprotected sex in an established relationship, brief oral sex on a male, hints of voyeurism/exhibitionism

Word Count: 2.8k

Masterlist  // Ko-Fi linked above (New taglist sign-up coming soon)

Let  me  know  what  you  think!

“The bedrooms are all clear!”

“Well, the whole house is all clear, babe, that’s kind of the point.”

“That joke hasn’t gotten any funnier since the first time you tried it, Ash.”

Your boyfriend rushes up behind you and slides his hands into the back pockets of your jeans, squeezing your ass through the material. “You’ve missed my jokes and you know it,” he insists, his loud laugh echoing through the seemingly endless room.

You hate to admit it but he wasn’t entirely wrong. You and Ashton hadn’t seen each other very much lately; your days were spent working from home, too exhausted on most days to make it over to his place for a visit while his schedule was consumed by the band starting work on their new album.

The guys had recently taken to going on mini getaways out to the desert to work; it was clear they missed travelling together as much as they missed playing music and this was a fun and safe way for them to combine the two amidst the ongoing lockdown. When they decided to plan their latest session for the week of Calum’s birthday and make it a “family trip” by inviting their significant others to join, you were thrilled.

Through some of her connections, Crystal was able to book a trendy lodging known as The Invisible House. With a pool running alongside the living area, floor to ceiling glass windows and an entirely mirrored exterior, the property was truly a sight to behold. You drove yourself out to Joshua Tree on Friday after work and spent the weekend lounging, catching up and exploring with everybody.

For you, the one flaw in the house’s design was that it was built as one long continuous rectangle, with only the occasional partition used to divide rooms, so as not to disrupt the lush views. While the desert surroundings were undeniably gorgeous, you would’ve much rather been surrounded by Ashton. You assumed a weekend away would’ve meant some quality time getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies but with your friends always in such close proximity, the opportunity had not presented itself.

Until now, you think to yourself. Everyone was outside chatting and packing up the cars while you and Ash were assigned to do a walkthrough of the house to make sure nobody had left anything behind. Sierra and Luke had popped in about 10 minutes ago to say goodbye and from where you’re standing, you can see Calum, Crystal and Michael still trying to divide up their luggage and the band’s equipment between their cars.

You spin around in Ash’s hold, wrapping your arms around his neck and planting a heated kiss on him. You can tell he’s momentarily taken by surprise but he quickly responds to your passion, tangling his tongue with yours, letting his hands wander around your body.

“So then… you have missed my jokes?” He chuckles when you pull away, attaching your mouth to his neck.

You roll your eyes amusedly, moving to bite gently at his earlobe, tongue teasing around his earring. “We’re finally alone,” you say suggestively, hoping he’ll understand your meaning.

He quirks an eyebrow at you. “Uh-huh,” he says pointedly, pressing you tighter against him. “And I suppose that’s giving you ideas, isn’t it, baby?”

You smile coyly, holding his hands on you. “Well… I don’t know about you but I was certainly hoping we’d get some time together this weekend. It’s been a while, we’ve been so busy.”

Ashton grins. “Well… I did offer to take care of you last night.”

You give him A Look. “Sliding your hand down my pajama pants and offering to rub one out for me wasn’t really what I had in mind,” you counter wryly. “All while our friends were just a few feet away.”

A mischievous look crosses his face. “Our friends are just a few feet away now and you’re still coming on to me,” he points out, gesturing towards the vast windows surrounding you.

“It’s different. We’re in here, they’re out there. They can’t see us.”

He smirks at your statement, almost as if he was hoping you'd say that. “Is that so?”

“It’s mirrored glass,” you shrug impatiently, pulling his hand in the direction of the bedrooms.

Ash clearly has other plans, pulling you back into him and kissing you so deeply your head spins. You don’t realize he’s walking you across the room until you feel your back hit the cool glass of the window. You pull away to ask what he’s up to but can’t quite find your words, the mark he’s sucking into your neck and the way his hands are gripping your tits under your shirt proving to be quite the distraction.

“Let’s go, baby,” you pant, squeezing his arms. “We don’t have a lot of time but I need you.”

He turns you around and presses you against the glass, rocking his hips against you, letting you feel that your desire is reciprocated. “If you’re so sure no one can see us, what’s wrong with me taking you right here?”

You recognize the edge in his voice and your body responds with a shiver; he always knows what you need before you do. “I’d like that,” you reply earnestly.

You hear the two forceful spanks his hand gives you before you feel them and you gasp when the sting registers. “I’ll fuckin’ bet you would... get my cock in you, get to fill your incessant need for attention by pretending that everyone can see what a filthy girl you are for me,” he taunts, undoing his belt. “But you’ll get off knowing that in reality I’m still the only one who gets to see you like that, isn’t that right, baby girl?”

You turn to face him, chest heaving but offering him a wide grin. It’s been too long since he’s had you like this. “Missed you, Daddy.”

“We’ll see about that,” he teases, leaning in to kiss you hard. He tugs at your shirt and pants as he pulls away. “Off.”

You purse your lips, not wanting to argue but also not seeing the point in getting undressed for what should be a quickie.

Before you can question him, Ashton explains. “If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do this right and that means you naked for me. Now.”

You bite your lip to keep from moaning as you watch him pull his cock out of his fly and begin stroking. You lock eyes with him before you start taking your clothes off but you notice his gaze roaming up and down your body as you disrobe. You can’t remember the last time you felt so powerful.

You stand bare in front of him, waiting for whatever comes next. It’s taking everything in you not to reach down and relieve some of the tension building between your legs but you know better.

He walks over to you, hard cock out and shamelessly demanding attention, distracting from his still fully clothed body. He wraps his hand around the back of your neck, his kiss much lighter on your lips than you expect, making you whimper with need. His tongue has just finished tracing over your bottom lip when he leans over to your ear and whispers the words you'd been hoping you'd earned: "Good girl."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he turns you back around and you quickly throw your hands out to brace against the glass, spreading your legs, hoping that your eager cooperation will win you some favor with him.

It’s bizarre looking out the window and seeing your trio of friends across from you, laughing and organizing their belongings while Ashton is breathing heavy on your neck, rutting between your ass cheeks a few times before dragging his fingers through your wetness, using it to slick up his cock.

“I’d remind you we need to make this quick but you’re so fuckin’ wet for me, I know it’s not gonna take much to make this needy pussy cum, is it, baby girl?”

You feel yourself throb in response and before you can even fathom responding, he’s sliding into you and suddenly that’s the only thing that matters. You hang your head and let out a long, low groan. “Yessss… fuck,” you moan as he slowly moves in and out of you, giving you a little more of his length each time.

“How long has it been, baby? You sure you can still take all of me?” He teases, leaning to rub at your clit a few times, enjoying the way it makes you squirm.

You breathe deep, appreciating the way he’s stretching you out, the way you always think you remember how good he feels inside you, only to realize that no memory even comes close to the reality of being wrapped around his cock. “Always feels like it’s been too long when you’re not in me, Daddy,” you pant, moving your hips to let him know you’re ready for more. “Need you all the time.”

“I know, baby,” he says sweetly, running his hand slowly down your back with a surprising gentleness. “Gonna give my baby girl what she needs.”

Ash quickly sets about making good on that promise, setting an ambitious pace for himself as he drives his cock inside you hard and deep. You can vaguely see your own reflection in the window and find yourself hypnotized by the way you respond to him; how your face contorts when he hits just where you want him to, the way your tits bounce as he moves against you, the force with which your entire body is propelled by his thrusts.

You feel the beginnings of something stirring in your core and without giving it a second thought, you slide a hand down to your clit, circling it to help yourself along. You’re alerted that Ashton has noticed your choice when you feel his hand tangle in your hair and yank your head back towards him.

“I don’t remember asking for help, baby girl,” he notes sternly. “You were being so good for me until now, too.” He pulls out and you whimper as your pussy continues to thrum, having been so close to climax but now so devastatingly empty.

“Don’t fuckin’ whine, just because you can’t behave doesn’t mean I'm gonna miss out on this pretty pussy makin’ me cum.”

He walks you closer to the glass, pressing your body up against the window and pinning your arms above your head before he pushes back in. He uses one hand to hold the both of yours while his other snakes around to toy with your clit. “How’s this, baby? Were you actually worried I wasn’t gonna make you cum? Disappointed you think I’d let you down like that,” he mocks, faux guilt dripping from his voice.

“No, Daddy, you’re always so good to me,” you murmur, senses overwhelmed. “It just felt so good… got too excited.”

“Fuckin’ impatient is what you got,” he corrects, nipping at your shoulder.

His hips are hitting into you at that delicious angle again and you both can tell that the rhythm he’s found on your clit is going to send you over the edge fairly soon. You hear him choke back what sounds like a genuine laugh and your eyes open in confusion, wondering what could have caused his reaction.

You hold your breath as Michael and Calum walk closer to the window you're about to cum up against. Your eyes search the landscape and you see Crystal in the distance, leaning on the car, taking a phone call. The guys must have decided to give her some privacy and are now hanging out and chatting by the rocks straight in front of you.

Your mind races as you try to recall with certainty if you noticed any visibility when you and the girls were out there taking pictures together the other day. It just looked like a mirror from that side… right?

It’s as if Ash can read your mind as he taunts, “Mirrored glass, right, baby? No way they can see how fuckin’ greedy you get when you have to go a few days without my cock.” He’s breathing heavy now too, clearly excited by the thought of a potential audience. “Couldn’t even wait a few more hours for me to get you alone, needed it so bad you’re letting me have you up against the glass with everyone right there… my greedy girl, what would they think?”

It’s hard to say if it’s because of the questionable situation or Ashton’s teasing words but you feel yourself getting close again and you start to moan. Loudly.

“Just because they can’t see you doesn’t mean they can’t hear you, baby. You really want them to know how bad you want it?” he sneers, working your body faster. “If they can hear your sounds, do you think they can hear how wet you are for me? How hard and deep I’m fucking you?”

You try to keep it down but as you start pulsing around his cock, you can’t help the cries that escape your lips. Ash’s hand moves up to your mouth in a feeble attempt to muffle your outburst. “Aww baby, you know those noises are only for me to hear, when will you learn how to control yourself?” His reprimand only makes you cry out more.

He grunts at the feeling of you nibbling at his palm, still experiencing intense waves of pleasure from your orgasm. He feels your body still tensing in his arms and sees your legs shaking and he decides you need some comfort. He strokes your hair and coos, “Such a good girl, cumming so hard, squeezing me so tight. Does it feel good, baby?”

You hold yourself on the window again, trying to catch your breath. “So good, Daddy...”

He kisses the back of your neck before he continues searching for his release, rough hands massaging your tits as he bounces you on his cock. You softly murmur encouragement, lost in the feeling of pleasing him and the dreamy haze from your own orgasm.

“Where do you want it, baby?” He asks breathlessly. “Kinda want to make you drip for the next 100 miles but you’re such a good girl, you can choose.”

“Wanna taste,” you answer instantly.

“That’s my girl,” he smirks, pulling out and watching fondly as you get on your knees.

You lean your head back against the window and raise your brow expectantly, waiting for him to continue. He gently runs a hand over your face before guiding his cock between your lips. It’s his turn to brace against the glass as he thrusts inside your mouth; you grip the back of his thighs, moaning around him, loving the feeling of being used by him in yet another way today.

Ashton huffs out a string of curses followed by a breathy cry of your name and you feel spurts of cum shooting across your tongue. You rub up and down his legs soothingly, soft sounds of satisfaction leaving your throat as he finishes rocking himself against you.

You pop off of his cock and press a kiss to the tip, smiling up at him as he tries to collect himself, still propped up on the glass. He leans down and kisses you tenderly, hands gently caressing your face.

"This was a good idea, baby," he breathes.

You tousle his hair and smile as he stands back up. He takes off, mumbling something about grabbing the Kleenex box from the bathroom and you hum contentedly, satisfied with your reunion.

Still on your knees, you turn around to peer out the window, wondering how much time you have left before your friends start asking for you. Michael and Crystal catch your attention first and you notice they only have a few items to go before the cars are fully loaded.

You squint, wondering why you don’t see Cal. You laugh to yourself, wondering if he got tired of their project and decided to lay down in one of the cars.

You start to jokingly suggest this to Ash when out of the corner of your eye, you spot some movement. You look up to see Calum, cigarette in hand, standing directly in front of your window. A knowing smile paints his face as he looks down at either his own reflection or at you. You can’t be sure. You surprise yourself as you realize that you can’t say for certain which scenario you would prefer.

You’re still staring out the window, speechless, as Ashton re-enters the room. He unsuspectingly jokes, “Goddamn, baby. Which one of us is gonna get some mirrored glass installed back at home?”

————-

This will most likely be the last fic with this particular taglist as this one has gotten really cluttered with inactive users or changed usernames and it breaks the post so often! If you want to continue to be notified of my fics, be on the lookout for a new sign-up post coming soon!

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[isagrimorie]

[initial reactions] Doctor Who - Revolution of the Daleks

TLDR: I liked it! But I do have some nitpicks. But bottom line, I liked it! Especially the exit! 

Apologies going in, if it’s rambling and incoherent.

First off, I’m going to get my criticisms out of the way:

- They really need to hire these two people:

a) Sensitivity readers

b) They need to have people of color in charge of casting. Andy Pryor has done a great job casting people but. Since they opened up casting more actors of color to be more diverse... most people in guest roles die. So it ends up being Not A Great Look.

It’s the kind of breezy: We’re hiring more actors of color without really considering the optics of it. Colorblind casting in this way shouldn’t be colorblind. More diversity behind the scenes is needed, especially in casting.

Colorblind casting isn’t representation. Execs have to consider how it looks that a black man is helping create ‘Security Drones’ for the government.

c) I get why Jack Robertson lived, and I’m actually okay with it because I know Chibbs is going somewhere and he’s interconnecting Specials to be their own kind of continuity, so next Special or series we will have Robertson appearing. But I can’t believe the Doctor believed Robertson. Unless she’s really learned from not interfering with politics, but man I wish there’s more vindication to that. I do have a sense of where this is going though, more on that later.  

d) I wish they’d gone harder with the Dalek = Police thing.

e) I really kind of wish the Doctor escaped on her own.

And now for my thoughts and the happy!

RYAN! I LOVE RYAN. I LOVE RYAN BEING EMOTIONALLY MATURE AND PUSHING BACK ON THE DOCTOR. It felt... earned that they do and, Ryan’s always been the more hesitant of the three and the more grounded. I love that it’s Ryan that the Doctor confided in, I’ve always felt like Ryan was the one Thirteen connected to the most after Grace died. And I love his development, ever since Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos Ryan is the first to quote the Doctor back to herself from the guns rule and now here to ‘New can be scary’, reminding the Doctor of her own words.

But also, I love that Ryan felt more connected to Earth, with his friends. Yaz was always the one who looks to the horizon. I like that Ryan pushed back on the smokescreen the Doctor tried to put up. Ryan was tired of the smokescreen. He had 10 months to work on his feelings about it and realized... he liked being home.

I wish we saw more what they were doing at home, like what Chibnall wrote for the Ponds in Power of Three. I did see this was his arc he was building to.

I liked that Graham was torn but eventually his loyalties are with Ryan.

I honestly think the fam thought the Doctor was just gone for a week, her time.

Also: FINALLY A COMPANION EXIT WHERE THEY’RE THE ONES WHO WALK AWAY. And because it’s time.

NO MORE TRAPPED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE OR DYING OR BEING CONVERTED PLEASE. Anyway, that is why I was vindicated because I was getting pretty antsy at all the twitter posts almost gleeful at the thought of companion death.

Nope. No more please. No more world ending, universe ending, heartbreaking ends. I want a Jo Grant walk away, and that is what happened. (Er, I hope we don’t get a Tegan leaving from Yaz, though. Sad and disillusioned walk away).

Yaz. Oh, dear, Yaz, who seems to have tossed her career away running after the Doctor’s shining star. I loved her conversation with Jack, he was a nice contrast and sounding board. Also, Jack was much kinder to the Doctor because they didn’t miss each other, the Doctor (according to RTD’s retcon) deliberately left Jack on Satellite Five.

Yaz is willing to run and jump without looking because of the Doctor and I love that we got her feelings about this.

And, of course, the Doctor. The moment Ryan said she missed 10 months, I felt she knew the clock was ticking on her ‘fam’. She’s trying to be good to them and do right by them.

(The Doctor knows Ryan’s ready to leave, she knew it. She’s trying to be in denial about it. But she knows).

It’s a small detail but when she processed the ‘ten months’ bit, she quickly looked to Ryan. Because if it’s one of the subtext things around is that she wanted to be a better father to Ryan than his real dad. But she still skipped out on him unknowingly.

The way he just brushed it off, because the worst part is. Ryan is used to it.

It’s sad that the Doctor opening up to the fam was brought on after a decades’ long solitary, and probably a promise to be better. But, she calculated wrong, or the TARDIS deliberately chose to go to that time. Whatever the case, just when she’s opening up to them is when Ryan decided his time with the Doctor was at an end.

God, the moment when Thirteen said: “Mostly... angry.”

I felt this. hard.

I think it was @ssaalexblake​ who mentioned that Thirteen acknowledging she’s angry might help with all of Thirteen’s repressed anger issues. And I think these are baby steps towards that.

She’s actually been so angry for so long, but she kept pushing it down. Like I said, Thirteen, in a way, reminds me of Raylan Givens of Justified. People think he’s mild mannered, but as his ex-wife amicably opined, Raylan was the angriest man she knew.

And I feel this for this Doctor but at least, now she’s addressing it. The first step in fixing a problem, is identifying the problem.

This was made in 2019. Thirteen being in a repeating lockdown felt very 2020 to me. The things that made me go: Oof, was the Harry Potter thing, the Doctor’s always loved HP. Unfortunately it’s post-2020 hindsight where we go: whoof.

I love Thirteen still mouthing off and being obnoxious towards other Doctor Who baddies. The Weeping Angel thing is cool and so are the Silents. BUT ALSO THE DOCTOR CALLED THE P’TING TINY! AND SHE TRIED TO EAT THE PRISON BARS. 

And then, of course, being more obnoxious with the Daleks. It’s pretty clear the difference in rawness of the Doctor’s feelings for the Daleks and the Cybermen. The Daleks’s an old ember. Her feelings for them are ice cold. A purity of feeling. The Daleks are evil and she has no compunction on killing them, the Cybermen? More personal and a raw nerve.

She’s willing to be cold towards the Daleks. 

I really like that Yaz has more skin in the game, and she knows what she can lose now. And after her talking with Jack, after seeing his perspective on it, and from his words knows that sometimes the Doctor just disappears from people’s lives.

And I love the pushback:

Skewered.

But true because she is trying to stay still and be with the fam and not leave them. But the unfortunate truth is, the Doctor does run away, and the Doctor does leave people behind and a lot of the times, the Doctor doesn’t come back because they’re an emotional coward.

The thing about Thirteen is she’s probably the longest of the Doctors to not disappoint her companions. She’s always managed to stop bad guys and always been there for them.  It’s an impressive track record for the Doctor. She’s built herself up in their eyes as someone they can rely on, and then she failed them by not getting back to them in time.

It’s not her fault, and none of them know how long it’s been for the Doctor, by the way she’s asked them I feel like they think she’s only been gone for a week.

Honestly, I’m impressed how the Doctor didn’t make it about her -- being in prison for longer than they thought. She’s looking at it from their point of view, because she already knows what big leaps in time would affect her friends.

TBH Revolution of the Daleks felt like shades of Last Christmas in that the Doctor regretted missing out time with her companion/s. In Last Christmas, the Doctor got his time back with Clara, in RotD, time passed.

Back to the Doctor and the Daleks tho.

This reminded of Twelve’s: “You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine. The Man that stops the Monsters.”

(Look, Chibnall’s Moffat references aren’t as sledgehammer, but he does reference a lot of Moffat’s things.).

Except with Thirteen, I’m actually more terrified. Jodie does this thing where her eyes goes black and she kind of disappears into herself, this is what happened here. This promise isn’t actually good IMO.

This is not a comforting face. This is a ‘I’m gonna kill a whole boatload of Daleks face and I’m not sorry, in fact I might enjoy doing that’ face.

(And, a brief aside to Robertson, I feel like the Specials have their own kind of special ‘movie’ continuity and more of his story will play out in the Specials, where hopefully he will get his comeuppance because, to me, I feel that’s where it’s going. This is more groundwork laying.

I don’t like it when the Doctor interferes with Human affairs, especially government -- because look what happened with Harriet Jones and how the Doctor broke the Golden Age. Also, I don’t want real world leaders to exist in the Whoverse because I want them to have a completely different track from us. So. Yeah, New Year’s Specials have their ongoing storyline. I’m actually not mad about it, and I enjoy Mr. Big’s performance. He’s a sleezeball. A sleezeball that knows more now. (He isn’t T rump but he isn’t better either). At least I find him enjoyable and not outright offensive. I’m okay seeing him again for the next Specials. I hope next time he does get his comeuppance.)

Now, the goodbyes:

 The HUG.

We’ve been waiting for the Doctor to be more physically affectionate with the fam, and it took the Doctor being locked down for decades (maybe?), and Ryan and Graham leaving for her to hug them. And we’re all right, Thirteen gives great hugs.

The feeling Thirteen’s been running away from is here, sadness. It’s good that Yaz decided to stay other wise... she’s just going to run headlong into forgetting her problems, Doctor Style.

And again, learning and re-learning things: ‘It’s okay to be sad.’

Oh, Thirteen.

(Before Twelve, I don’t think I was this sympathetic to the Doctor -- no wait, I was with Nine. Ten and Eleven tested my patience but it’s with Twelve and Thirteen where I’m 100% invested in the Doctor.

I also love that they’re kind of soft touching the Timeless Child thing, and as someone on twitter mentioned, this feels like an examination of an adoption story. The Doctor is going to search for their identity, their home).

I honestly wish Jack stayed in the TARDIS with Thirteen and Yaz. Jack’s a great balance, especially pushing back at the Doctor and her tactics. Her NUCLEAR tactics. I am glad that the Doctor’s still a dick to Jack, not much of an asshole as they were when the Doctor was Ten but still a dick.

Also, one thing I really love about Barrowman is that when he’s in Doctor Who, he knows it’s not his show and he doesn’t showboat, and the man can showboat. 

I’d rather Jack than random guy that I didn’t even know was gonna happen until very late.

Anyway, TLDR to all this: I enjoyed this very much! Still a lot to be parsed through in things that needs to be parsed through as I mentioned, but on the whole? I loved it.

[bluearson]

Dancing King in Quarantine

Warning: ‘Daddy’ mention once & Reader’s contact name for him is Daddy D The news played quietly in the background as breakfast cooked on the stove. You were getting ready to go out and buy more groceries before lockdown, slipping on a hoodie that threatened to drown you in its folds. At least it smelt just like your boyfriend. You shot Dabi a glance across the room, a grin plastered across your face ear to ear. There was something comforting about seeing the raven haired man impatiently holding a spatula as he watched over pancakes. “This fucking sucks.” he complained as he shuffled through a playlist looking for the perfect song.

“The song.. or cooking breakfast? You know I-” You reached over to snatch the spatula out of his hand. Dabi’s hand shot out and gripped your wrist firmly but not enough to hurt. “I said I was going to cook us breakfast today. Thank you for your offer to help though little mouse. I promise, Daddy has it covered. Let me take care of things.” He kissed your cheek and slapped your ass with his free hand. “Don’t worry about a thing, I wouldn’t burn down the house on purpose.” You traced a pattern onto his bare chest before pressing your hand firmly on his chest and giving him a kiss on the lips, “You sure you don’t want me to wait to eat breakfast with you?”  “Stop worryin’ bout me and get that cute ass in gear before all the good stuff is gone sweetheart. Breakfast will still be warm for you, I’ll have a fresh pot of coffee ready. Maybe even a warm bath if you’re back within the hour.” “Okay... I’ll text you when I’m on my way home.” With one final parting kiss you left the warm comfort of your apartment and made your way to the grocery store. You spent most of your time sending texts back and forth with Dabi asking if you had enough of something and then trying to explain what you were talking about when he couldn’t find it easily. To: Daddy D -I’m on my way home!  ( ˙꒳​˙ ) Read 2:15pm From: Daddy D -Plain, Blueberries or Chocolate chip? Read 2:17pm To: Daddy D -Surprise me! (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ -I’ll eat anything you make  („• ֊ •„) Read 2:17pm You struggled to get your key out when Dabi opened the door, he traded you a mug full of coffee for the bags in your hand. He offered you a small smile as he stepped aside and gestured for you to come in. The kitchen island counter was cleaned except for a plate of pancakes, eggs and a small bowl full of fruits. Dabi kissed your cheek again before taking the rest of your bags away from you.  You made yourself comfortable, staring down the man who made a pretty convincing double of your boyfriend. The pancakes were neither gooey nor almost burnt, the eggs were a perfect consistency and you swear you got a few whiffs of bacon. “Did you eat all the bacon, Dabs?” He froze in place for a moment, offering up no response for what felt like an eternity as the silence stretched on between the both of you. He shifted his glance from his task of putting away groceries for you to your face as if he was calculating what to say next. “No.” He pointed to the microwave, “I saved some for you.” You beamed as you sipped your coffee.  You thanked him for breakfast and showered him in compliments about how much better his cooking was getting. You swear you saw him even blushing as you paid your compliments. Together with your beloved you lazed around together on the couch for a cuddle-movie night session to forget about the state of the world outside the comfort of your home. “I’m boooooored” you bemoaned as you stretched out and sprawled across your boyfriends lap.  “What do you want me to do about it?” He asked, absent mindedly trailing a hand across your tummy and tracing patterns into your skin with a finger. He leaned down and peppered kisses along your jawline as he played with your hair. “Care to dance with me?” He whispered. Your dominant hand searched for his hand lacing your fingers together as you pressed a kiss into his backhand. You nodded solemnly, releasing the hand that you had momentarily captured to get up on your own. Dabi managed to swiftly scoop you up before you had the chance to stand up on your own though and rose up off the couch like you weighed no more than a bag of grapes to him. He gently set you down and smirked as he snatched your phone off the couch to surf through your collection of songs and queued up a bunch that he liked after connecting it to a portable speaker. He held his hand out as the first song began to play. It was a little slower than the usual upbeat music you were used to hearing him blasting through his headphones.  Together you glided across the living room, careful to mind the furniture and not cause one another to have a fresh set of bruises peppered along the others thighs from unremarkable circumstances. You both got lost to the rhyme and sway of the music together. The rasp of his laugh makes your heart swell, it’s almost musical to your ears. You took a seat as you watched him lose him himself to one of his favorite songs, singing along at the top of his lungs and god.. you loved every second of it. It sent flutterers throughout your core, to watch him become so comfortable with you. You sung along after the chorus repeated, joining him on the “dancefloor”.  After three more songs passed you both began rearranging furniture so that you had more room to dance. Dabi was ecstatic when you gave him the go ahead to play whatever he wanted. Proudly he belted the lyrics after the G note hit. Your eyes lit up as you realized what song it was.  Together you both got lost in the throws of the dramatics, pantomiming along to the lyrics, thrashing around, the occasional headbanging, and of course.. you’ve both had your fair share of rockstar moments. It was a night to remember. “If you were a rockstar would you write songs about me?” You asked tentatively as you nursed a warm cup of tea while Dabi made himself comfortable sprawled out on the floor.  “Uhh.. yeah?” He popped himself up on an elbow, “I’d write total bangers about you. The media would ask me who’s my muse and shit and I’ll tell em it’s all bout the MVP.” “Would you keep me your little secret if it meant you’d be more popular for not being publicly taken?” You mused as you took a long sip of your tea. “Do you have some sort of fantasy about me becoming a world famous rockstar you failed to tell me about?” He laid back down to stare up at the ceiling, “I dunno.. I don’t think I’d really care about being like.. you know popular just because of my looks.” He grimaced, “I’d want to be popular for my music, cause people like my sound and it resonates with them. If you didn’t mind the problems that could occur with being public about our relationship in that scenario.. I wouldn’t mind.”  “What if I made a recording of your laugh and sold copies of it? You know.. in this scenario.”  “If it’s made into a song I want a cut, if it’s just my laugh straight up I think that’s really weird but I hope it’s overpriced and limited edition so you know the super fans would be all over it.” “You didn’t even need time to think about it huh?” “If I can make money off just laughing I would. Sadly there’s not really a market for it considering the only people who hear me laugh well.. are my friends and you.” Taglist: @some-kindofgnome @humanitiesstrongestchicken

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Day In The Sun

Masterlist

Henry and you have a serious discussion about your relationship and then have some fun in the garden!

Warnings: Adult situations +18, Smut, Oral (fem receiving), forced orgasms, Overstimulation, Toys, Waterplay (hose/water stream/pool), Daddy kink, mentions of age play, Semipublic sex, Anxiety, Panic attacks.

A/N: so here is a smut piece, I wanted to have the serious break down and realistic talk about their change in relationship that has taken ages to write, I just wanted it to be right this fic is supposed to be about them going from a vanilla relationship to a ddlg/bdsm relationship tho she is a little some of these will be more bondage and s/m to any way just wanted to clear things up lol... Sorry about it being so long tho...and taking so long guys i got side track once again this is long...like even for me like 12000+ words I do hope you enjoy it xx

Taglist: @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @thatgirly81​ @angelofthorr @iloveyouyen​ @viking-raider​ (tagging people I think will like if you don’t want to be let me know xx)

Day In The Sun

It was a few days after your first real spanking and Henry had tip toed around you a little bit. And it was nothing to do with you...Well it was.... It was complicated, you hadn't said anything to him about the whole thing, but he had noticed you fall a few times. Not physically but mentally you now had a deeper grasp on your little, you noticed when you were falling into little space and that was when you'd withdraw into yourself immediately stopping hat ever you were doing in that moment and going off to another part of the house quietly.

He could see you were uneasy with it, going so far as to hide away your lama teddy that has sat one your bed since day one!. He had also noticed some toys from the blanket box turned adult toy box in the closet go missing, he wasn't angry as such more concerned you had been very jumpy around him. You were confused at least he hoped it was confusion not fear either way he felt guilty things had been progressing nicely before. He'd managed to give tiny nudges encouraging you to do the things that made you younger like playing your games and doing your 'adult' coloring or reading to you at night to wind down these were just to name a few each slowly eased you in to little space almost trying to drip feed it into your relationship. He was also managing to make small changes unnoticed by you. Nothing major just cutting down your coffee intake and swapping it for juice instead the same with snacks keeping more fruit and less crap around.

He knew you still firmly believed that this whole ddlg thing was a kink for the bedroom and should be left at that but he also knew that you desperately wanted it to be more you just couldn't voice it yet, so he did these things for you that way he could supervise you then scoop you out of it when he thought you were going to freak out and have a proper sub drop, which you wasn't ready for by any means. But the whole ordeal of spanking and being fully aware of your little side had shaken you you were alert and it made it harder for Henry to continue his safe and gentle method of introducing the dynamic.

He had decided to let you mull things over for a few days and acted seemingly normal trying to show you that things hadn't changed as drastically as you feared. But he knew sooner or later you was going to fall and everything would hit you and he had to be ready, he as your dom had to be able to pick you up and help you back together.

He sighed from the kitchen as he wiped the counter top down seeing it happen again right before his eyes, you had been happily doodling in your journal nibbling on your right thumb your phone connected to the speaker in the living room singing and jigging along to your new album k-12 by Melanie Martinez totally in your element voice slightly higher an indicator of you in little space once again but knowingly and completely at ease then everything stopped. He looked up quickly as you stopped singing you'd frozen at the coffee table ,just stopped freezing seeming to realize that you'd been in little space and quickly scrabbling to your phone disconnecting it and putting it down beside you.

You looked down at your page and panicked slamming the boom shut and curled up bringing your knees to your chest and rested your head in them. Your shoulders shook and he could hear the sobs and quiet whispers as you...Scolded yourself? He could hear it as clear as day you berating yourself, the harsh whispers of freak and someone being disgusted? He truly hoped you hadn't convinced yourself he was disgusted with you, far from it he was thrilled to have his little subby!

He paused this was new, he took a few seconds to study you as you started breathing heavy then holding your breath for what felt like minutes at a time but was only seconds. Panicking,  you was one breath away from what sounded like a very bad panic attack. Once he was certain you were truly falling to pieces in front of him and needed him to step in he moved.

Quickly and quietly he rounded the counter sitting on the sofa behind you and hoisted you up taking a firm hold of your underarms plucking you up from the floor. You fought him trying to wriggle from his grip not wanting him to see you in this state, but Henry being the huge man he was subdued you skillfully. He uncurled you sitting you on his lap legs bent either side of his waist straddling him leaning on his chest you sobbed quietly.

"I'm so-sorry I d-dont...I-I'm just re-really sor-rry!" He hushed you rocking you slowly as you wept into his chest.

"Oh babygirl what's the matter? what are you sorry for? daddy was here and I didn't see you do anything?" You cried harder at his words feeling ashamed. It washed over you like a huge wave of guilt, nasty whispers in your head repeating over and over how this was wrong, what you wanted was sick and wrong and he would leave if you didn't change lockdown or not. You pulled back aghast at him and shoom your head.

"NO! THATS-WE CAN'T I can't...I have to stop it..stop all this!" You took a deep breath worry anxiety and panic making you flustered as you wriggled again fighting his hold on you, you wanted to run, to lock yourself in the bathroom until this passed but he wasn't letting you go anywhere not until all this was sorted out.

Your words sunk in quickly, cutting at him a little you didn't want this? To be in that sort of relationship with him? He hadn't forced you had he? Hurt you? He licked his lip in apprehension dreading what was going to come of this. Had he read your signals wrong? ignored your true feelings for his own benefit? You struggled again pressing your knees down to bounce off of him, he moved quickly one hand on your waist pressing down holding you right where you was.

"Whoa whoa there little bit....what's the matter? I know gave you time to settle but baby please tell me you haven't let your mind run away with you? Have you? Whats going on love talk to me please"

You looked up and stopped fighting him as he said that, he was worried and anxious you could tell. You swallowed looking at him sadly seeing how upset you'd made him. Sighing you tried looking away but Henry stopped you cupping your face gently you closed your eyes pressing into him.

You'd missed this these past few days, it was your own fault. You were scared, you’d avoided him not wanting to cling to him or risk becoming..whatever it was...A little?. It was hard you were scared and confused and you'd become so used to going to him and letting out all your fears he was your rock. But you just felt this was something you had to sort out alone. So you shut yourself off from him when all you really wanted to do was curl up in his lap and cry.

The whole spanking thing had been fine...You supposed it had been what you wanted the secret need to be corrected,but it was after you'd sucked of a fucking paci! And cuddled your teddy in front of your supersexy boyfriend! How the fuck can he be okay with that? Calling him daddy was one thing but to let yourself be soo deep into... Whatever that was and enjoy it? Was it bad? You wanted more of it, more of him coddling you and looking after you and protecting you, you'd loved how small you'd felt with him afterwards,  how things just clicked between you both but it was supposed to be a kink not a lifestyle wasn't it?...It was to much to ask you should just be happy with your arrangement in the bedroom.

You want to be honest with him you really do but how could you tell him that? You couldn't tell him what you really wanted!...That in some strange fucked up way him treating you like a little girl-baby was something you'd never experienced before but it felt right! You felt safe and reassured like nothing could touch you and nothing else mattered...That you'd been online and saw how other little’s and babygirl’s were treated by their daddies and you wanted to try that. No you wont push your luck not with Henry! you wont risk loosing him so you were going to stamp it out! Destroy it before it destroys your relationship.

You were pulled from your thoughts by Henry running his hand from your jaw to the back of your neck pulling you close cradling you softly humming as he rocked you. You melted into him as he drew patterns across your back.

"Sweet girl if you don't tell me how can I possibly help?...." you stayed quiet moving to rest the side of your face against him listening to his heart beat running one fingernail in small circles on his soft top. No you wont talk. You will just take these moments of being small like this and be satisfied. He sighed at your silence someone was definitely being a stubborn girl, he hummed trying to think of something he could do to get you to open up.

"Okay how about I tell you what I have noticed hmm? About what I think is going on then we can talk?" You blinked slowly sounded okay, he wont know so there’d be nothing to talk about. You nodded moving to rub your face into his soft t-shirt breathing in his scent.

"I think your frightened....frightened of your little and what I think....I think you have this silly idea that its bad, and what we do is bad...and I also think that your trying to stop it, trying to fight it..." you gasped how did he? NO! He wasn't supposed to know! You started trembling crying again softly into him. He huffed as you nodded into him again.

"H-howd you find o-out? I'm tr-trying to sto-op it I really am I-Im sorry please don't lea-leave I can Ignore it I swear!" He frowned stiffening under you.

"No baby no I don't want you to stop it or ignore it babygirl listen-" you whined interrupting him

"But its to-o much!...I want to much and I'm being sel-selfish and stupid and childish and the things that I want from us? from you! I saw on the internet  what I truly want! You'll leave me! I have to stop Henry!" What started as a small unsure statement became a broken sob and you thrust your face into him harder still bawling our eyes out in harsh body shaking sobs.

Henry took a moment shushing you, calming you down again as you sat there breaking into pieces. The one thing that stood out for him tho was that you didn't want to stop this new turn in your relationship, you felt like you had to. That for some silly reason you thought he was the one who was uncomfortable. He chuckled making you wince.

"Oh sweet pea is that whats been eating away at you? Come here my silly little baby." You hiccuped as he squished you to him tightly peppering your head with kisses.

"You think its wrong. That I will leave if we don't keep this as a bedroom thing correct?" You nodded to him feeling silly still wanting to run and hide, you might do just that you looked up quickly looking around avoiding his gaze and moved trying to untangle yourself from him. He sat there holding you, an unmovable force running his hands across you in slow soothing patterns, he knew what to do it wasn't the first panicking sub he'd had to talk down.

"Hey no..No hiding love look at me...That’s right good girl....Now lets get something straight right here little bit...I love you...I love you for who you are and nothing will ever ever change that... You don't have to change a damn thing. I want this probably more then you." You snapped your eyes to his. What? You whined shaking your head and stopped. He looked sincere? And serious had he meant it? You slowly swallowed and calmed letting his words sink in.

"Deep breaths come on babygirl.....See that’s it isn't that better?....There she is my brave girl~ your shocked huh? Don’t be I told you when I first caught you in our bed I have always wanted my own baby girl to cuddle watch over and look after in every sense, the idea of you needing no. Wanting and trusting me to look after you in the most basic of ways it satisfies something inside of me like...I can't even describe...I want to be your daddy all the time I want to help you with everything, to be care giver to you and your little side." You flushed twiddling your thumbs staring down a them nervously.

"B-but you don't understand...I enjoyed sucking on that that.." you blushed red unable to even say the word out loud.

"No no look at daddy..That’s it good girl, I know you did I was there you know~ and I didn't mind, I loved seeing you let yourself just be content and comfortable with yourself...Sweet pea I'm sorry to say this but you are a little...And a complicated one at that! You swing through ages like I've never seen before, but you always have and I've known from day one...But it wasn't until I found you the other week that I realized on some level you knew to..You crave a daddy, and not just to be spanked and fucked like a run of the mill kink you want something more, you want someone to make the bigger decisions someone you can come to who loves you and will always be firm and fair...You want a dom and a full time no holds bar daddy dom. And I want someone who needs that, who wont see me as an overzealous control freak when I take the reigns, who won't get police involved if she ends up having an unwilling trip over my knee. My need to take care of you is just as ingrained into me as your need to be all cute and small is in you. You are my little, my cute subby and I’m your daddy, caregiver and dom, we have be doing this for pretty much our whole relationship you've only just realized what it is baby" You smiled at him coming around to the idea..

He did make sense you loved how even before all this he would as you put it 'step up' and sometimes put his foot down out right refusing to let you do something stupid now you saw why it effected you so much, the little rush of warmth that melted in your chest when he would take charge.

"A-and my little? I don't know really what it...She is?...And what do you mean ages I dont get that.." He smiled

"She is you baby, you are little all the time really but you have a little space that you fall into your just more aware now is all, you've always done it. And as for ages, some little’s settle on a particular age range you...Well you do and you don't... your normal everyday self is technically a middle a sassy funny little preteen but when certain things happen or the mood strikes you ,you begin to go younger...Like the other day in your spanking made you fall right down through age ranges and crashed into a proper babygirl. I did have an suspicion that would happen its why I had your paci and lama there just incase. And before you say anything I don’t mind I adore it! Your already half way there right now! which I’m afraid you need to pull yourself out of as we are about to have a very important big girl talk." You flushed you kind of guessed that, you took a deep breath.

"Then stop rubbing my back..Not helping!" He laughed pulling back twisting you to side sideways on his lap letting you lean on him instead.

"I'm sorry love there how about that better?" You nodded

"Okay what do we need to talk about?" He gave you a soft smile.

"Well now we have established that we both consent and want to do this, we need to have boundaries...Guidelines so we know what works for us and what doesn't" you nodded at his it made sense.

"So what is it you wanted from me Babygirl? You said earlier you wanted more..and you looked online, I wish you'd waited for me love there is some scary stuff online" you hummed going red again. How were you gonna put this? Now was the time to be honest.

"I-I liked err after when you was erm rocking me...With my teddy and the...You know-" he chuckled

"Your paci?" You nodded quickly trying to brush off what he had said.

"Yeah that..I don't know if...I mean if you wanted to try more of that stuff?" He smiled bright at you.

"You mean you want to explore you babygirl side? With bottles and sippy’s letting you go deep into your little space? Absolutely baby girl! Next." You blinked he had agreed just like that?

"And..Maybe rules...I read online little’s get rules and chores and stuff." He froze so you had been online looking for information about proper safe ageplay.

"...Okay nugget...From now on we agree here and now..I am your Daddy dom and you are my little subby, you will have rules and chores and a good girl chart, but you will also have consequences for naughty behavior time outs, loss of privileges and spankings on the worst offenses...But and this is a big but so listen close...I will not have sex with you if you fall into your babygirl headspace and I will not tolerate you being brat just to get spankings okay? If you try that then you wont like the outcome...We can try everything once and if is doesn't work for the both of us then we wont do it again...Does that sound fair?" You thought about it and nodded but spoke out loud.

"Why would I want a spanking tho...It hurt bad...My bottom is still bruised..And is baby girl different from my little I don't get it" he smirked rubbing his palms down your thighs.

"Well your bottom is still sore because you were a very naughty girl and I had to use my slipper. Not all spankings are bad girl spankings, sometimes they can be fun and very very pleasant if I decide they should be~. And each person has there own take on little space's for me if your little which quite frankly you dip in and out of all the time then I find it okay to be intimate but after a certain Point...No I don't think its okay if your to far gone to young then I wont be intimate with you in that sense." You blinked nodding slowly

"So if I am really small we wont.. but if I'm like now then we can?" He grinned nodding.

"Yes exactly we will have small hiccups but we will always always talk things through just like we are now... In a moment we will write down your rules and your hard limits; things you never want to try even once and then get a list of chores, after they are written you can spend the rest of the day making them into pretty posters" you faltered poster? He rolled his eyes

"We will hang them up in the gym where no one but us will see and I want you to get your lama out of the box in the closet and place him back on our bed where he belongs and put the toys back in our box..Don’t think I haven’t noticed things going walkies missy" You nodded shyly at him as his tone changed into disapproving scold he rasies an eyebrow.

"Use your words baby"

"Yes..Daddy" he beamed at you leaning in giving you a big kiss

"Good girl and that is your first rule right there in the house you call me daddy unless you want to have a very serious one on one talk, and it is not an excuse to get out of trouble either you call me by my name to try and wriggle out of a punishment I will get out the strap which is much more painful then he slipper I can assure you...Three times with that then its the cane... any way enough about that nasty business lets go!" He said rising taking you with him placing you on his hip effortlessly making you squeak grabbing on to him tightly.

"Cane?! You have a cane since when?!" He moved patting your bottom.

"Since before we met and I have used them in the past in clubs but no I have never used this particular one on someone and I don't want to they are very very nasty and that will be the absolute last resort held back for only the naughtiest of things like re offending and putting yourself in a life threatening situation..Like driving home drunk or something similarly stupid ,dangerous and avoidable... now like I said enough of all that and you don't have to hold on so tight nugget I wont let you fall I promise" you took a breath and pressed yourself back into him hugging his neck burying your nose into his neck taking deep breaths. He froze as you whispered under your breath.

"I thought I was gonna loose you" he rubbed your back going upstairs to the office to get pens and paper."You'll never ever loose me baby"

It was one week later when you found yourself running down the stairs at full speed, it was going to be hot today, really hot and Henry had mentioned that if you were good he would get the paddling pool and garden recliners out for the day. You were excited your favorite thing in the summer was floating in the small pool with Kal laying in the water beside you, the always you quickly moved through the hall and kitchen only for Henry to loop an arm around your middle as you tried running past him to the garden.

"Whoa! Where are you of to in such a hurry? On that thought what have I said about running in the house? Especially the kitchen?" He chuckled at your wide eyes and you pointed out to the garden.

"Sorry daddy I just i-its gonna be  hot...You said we can have the chairs and pool out....Didn't you mean it?" You tilted your head sweetly pouting at him he looked at you from the top of his eyes then sighed smiling. You squealed with joy knowing it meant yes, but before you could continue outside he pulled you too him with a firm hand.

"First things first love get something on your feet and stay in the shade until I find the sun cream you know how easy you burn...But yes we can get the pool out but only if you help me with the grass and tidy the garden first" you sighed pouting again he lowered his head to you mimicking you sticking out his bottom lip.

"Oh poor baby...I know you don't like it, but if we work together then it will be done faster and before its to hot that way we have the rest of the weekend to relax, I will get the pool out and fill it while I'm hosing down the patio...And for all your hard work we can have a takeaway tonight how does that sound?" You perked up at that. You were a sucker for a takeaway it had become one of your 'good girl' rewards since starting your new found d/s relationship dynamic, you and Henry had found a natural rhythm each falling into your roles comfortably,  you were finding it easier to be in your head space always seeming to have yourself in your little space at some degree. You'd both agreed on a set of rules ,chores and rewards. Punishment was really at Henry's discretion but your safe word was there to stop everything if things turned sour.

Currently you were waiting for some of your other... specialized things Henry had got a few things through the post in the week since your talk, a few cool gear water bottles for summer with the reusable ice inserts and stickers for you to decorate your lilac one, some new softer bedding and blankets for in the living room. Henry was adamant that when you had one of your moods you would be taking a nap apart from that he had ordered you some new clothes.

The things you were waiting for was the new pacifiers bottles and proper sippy cups. He found a store online that was just age play and had gone a bit mad...well you thought he had, he brought up almost one of every onesie on the site for starters! Then there was something you was apprehensive about... The nappies they were these strange reusable nappy like things. He said he wanted to be prepared in case of you going into that adult baby state which apparently you had gone into once or twice frankly you didn't remember. You'd nodded trusting him but couldn't help the tiny bit of anxiety over them but still you told yourself it isn't much different from your reusable pads you use on your monthly.

Smiling to him you nodded at him you'd agree to anything for a takeaway.

"Yeah okay!" You agreed instantly he let you go with a quick kiss making you smile, you moved to the door only for him to stop you again.

"HEY what did I just say baby? Go get your shoes first" seeing your face drop made him feel slightly guilty so he added a task, making you think you were doing something for him

"Could you grab mine as well love? Then we can go make a start" You stopped and shook your head laughing.

"Sorry Daddy got to excited I guess" you quickly moved back to the hall grabbing a pair of flip flops and sliding them on then grabbed his you moved to the kitchen giving him his. With a smile and called Kal who ran past you into the garden. You loved seeing him run and jump about on the grass rolling occasionally rubbing his face in it.

It was a simple garden flat and long, just outside the patio door as a large square morrocan mosaic tiled patio, at the moment it was grubby, but underneath that grime build up was a beautiful bright patio. The tiles were a vibrant blues oranges and terracotta colors broken up with brilliant white, the design was of intricate sun stars. Just left of the door was a new built in Barbecue he had it put in the end of last summer and you suspected Henry will spend a lot of time at this year. There was one long raised planter bed separating the two main areas that would soon hold an array of fruits and vegetables. Then there was a stretch of lawn with flower beds either side with one path on the right leading you from the patio to the shed at the very bottom. Either side was a 6ft fence and some of the taller plants on the property line helped keep the garden private. And being an end of terrace meant that you only had to worry about being overlooked on one side.

You hovered by the door in the shade as you’d been instructed to, you found listening to Henry was just...Simpler accepting his judgement was just part of the norm, it always had been to be fair ,but when you'd realized why you'd been so compliant with him you found yourself questioning him more fighting things and it had made you miserable. But now with your knew understanding things were back to normal you just had a better understanding of it all you basked in it. You still had a say in things and he would hear you out taking your thoughts into consideration  but ultimately he wore the trousers in the relationship and you were fine with that, you found a strange security in it.

Kal enjoyed the cooler air of the morning racing about on the grass and 'stamping' his feet  trying to get you to play with him. You laughed as he barked and pounced at you then leaned down wriggling his ass in the air.

"What's got into you bear?" He barked and stamped again at you

"Oh! Did you here daddy say pool? Is that what it is you want? to play in the water today moosh?" He spun around barking happily then tore off doing laps around the grass. You jumped when Henry placed a warm hand on your back.

"Well he seems excited for a day in the garden...here hold this and arms up" you moved quickly taking the sun cream from him and spread your arms out. He winked opening the cap and letting you put some on his open palm. He moved slowly first dotting out the cream then moved massaging it in with slow firm strokes across your arms dragging his palms in slow rounds covering you in the white cream you closed your eyes as he moved from one side to the other then snapped your eyes as he moved to you chest gasping as a new blob of cold cream was smeared on your chest.

You blushed and held your breath as his hands moved lower into your new cute lilac and blue floral play suit he had ordered it was a spaghetti strap and straight button up with ties at the back to pull it in at your waist. He kept his eyes glued to his hands concentrating on the task smoothing the now warm cream into the tops of your breasts. This was heaven it had to be! you sighed you were getting hotter as he moved paying more attention to your breasts rolling his palms around on your nipples and pinched them lightly making you gasp when they stood at a full attention. You blushed as he plucked the pink buds once more making you shift your weight as heat pooled in your lower tummy, it seemed he was in a playful mood today.

"S-stop!" You fidgeted whimpering at him as he did it again this time pulling them a little twisting them in his fingers.

"Why babygirl you know I just can't help myself~" you moved pressing on his chest weakly.

"N-no not here! We're outside!" He chuckled kissing your neck as he moved behind you his velvet tone caressed your ear as he spoke moving slowly holding his hand below the tube of sun cream for you to add more to his palm.

"No undies today love? You wouldn't be trying to tease me now would you?" He chuckled when he saw your arm tremble slightly knowing full well what he has started

You flinched as the cool cream touched your back then shivered as he once again started rubbing it in using the opportunity to knead out any knots you might have around your shoulders, you went slack moaning softly as he moved lower and lower, coaxing the spaghetti straps down your arms so he could move to the curve of your back.

"Got a little to much that time might as well use it hey sweet pea?" You hummed closing your eyes as he moved running his warm palms back and forth across to your back and sides. He pulled away moving the straps back in place then walked around you and crouched taking the tube away from you and spread another lot on to his hands you moved back a little unsure what he was doing but he gave you a look.

"Ah ah here...That's it shh hold still it wont take long now" you stood still as he smirked up at you moving his hands lazily up across your calves rubbing once again making you melt under his gentle kneading movements. You trembled as he leaned in kissing the inside of your knees as he past them then moved teasingly across your thighs moving going from one to the other massaging front and back. You moaned grasping his shoulders leaning into him your pussy already excited from just his hands roaming and pressing into you. He chuckled when you rocked forward to him unable to help yourself as he made a slow ascent up each leg leaving soft kisses here and there. He continued past your shorts lifting the hem of your play suit making sure his fingers just grazed your bare lips and ass as he rocked them in a back and forth motion stroking you into a little frenzy as he went.

"Ah F-fuck please!" He smiled pressing a kiss to your tummy moving slightly faster "Now now language" you closed your eyes rocking into him lowering yourself to press against the side of his palm.

"S-sorry daddy ahh please" he looked up watching you bite your lip trying to hold back your moans as you wept onto his hand

"I should think so, you know I don't like you swearing even when we play" he moved over switching legs one final time making sure both sides got the same treatment and finally pulled away he smirked lazily up at you then winked. You flushed already feeling like jelly, he’d barely moved away and there was already a tiny damp patch forming on the crotch of your outfit.

"There we go all ready, now you wait here and let that soak in a bit while I get the lawnmower." You sulked as he got up leaving you with a sweet kiss on your cheek and turned making his way down the garden and tussling with kal on the way pushing at the playful Akita who was still running rings around the garden but was now aiming for Henry with each lap. You shook your head at them and leaned on the wall of the house watching him wrestle with the full shed.

After a full five minuets of swearing and grunting he emerged with the flymo and reel extension lead then disappeared only to reappear with your two garden loungers and matching small table. He motioned for you to come help get the folded chairs.

"Baby! Come put these down there would you?" You smiled running down the garden to him and collected them taking the plug from the extension lead to, you moved quickly placing the folded chairs against the wall. Then moved to plug in the extension lead into the exterior wall outlet.

"Its ready!" You called out to him

"Thank you love now go inside and get the air pump then make a start on cutting back the bay tree" you nodded and turned heading into the house hearing him start the mower. You quickly picked up Kals outside water bowl it needed a good clean. It took you a good fifteen minuets to find the airpump but as always it was in the last place you looked, the cupboard downstairs in the gym. You swear you could kill the man he can't just leave things be!. You placed it on the counter then moved to clean Kals bowl and filled it with fresh water adding a few ice cubes from the fridge to keep it cooler for longer.

Whilst there you also made you and Henry some squash you moved out to the back garden and almost dropped to the floor as your knees went weak. He was really pushing it today! He'd shed his t-shirt walking lengths back and forth still cutting the grass, you licked your lips rubbing your thighs clenching tight together as your pussy wept onto your poor cotton shorts making the already damp patch worse , you could see from here the sheen of sweat from the heat of the mid morning sun already on his broad back you took a second to admire him, the way his muscles rippled across his back and ribs as he moved quickly. He turned once her reached the end and smiled up at you chuckling shaking his head as he made his way towards you, you must have looked a sight, standing there quivering just holding yourself together. You snapped out of it and put Kals bowl down in the shade by the barbecue.

"Hey babe you okay there you look flushed?" He finished with a laugh when you frowned at him.

"Your teasing stoooopp!" He shook his head moving forward lifting the mower lid and removed the basket full of grass, he strutted past you emptying the it in the garden waste bin.

"Oh good you found the pump! I forgot to tell you I'd moved it" you rolled your eyes and thrust his drink to him.

"Here your a sweaty betty already don't need you passing out....Then I wont get my pool up." He took the glass placing it on the wall behind him.

"That all I'm good for? Putting up your pool? I’m wounded" He leaned in wrapping a damp arm around you making you squeal and try to get away.

"OH MY GOD NOOO STOOOP!" He laughed and held you tighter to him

"What's the problem? I thought you like cuddles?" You pouted up at him making him kiss you, you moaned loudly as he moved you to stand in front of him cupping your ass squeezing the two now healed cheeks then pulling them up pressing you to his front. Wow how the fuck are those jeans hiding that? You grunted at him and pressed harder to his erection he groaned bucking up into you trying to gain more friction. You both moved kissing one another deeper and more desperately tangling tongues in a fevered display then pulled back slowly needing to breath each of you taking huge gasping breaths. You moved up smoothing some of his curls from his face...He really wanted a haircut but the barbers were all still shut and you was not going to touch his glorious curls anytime soon...You like having more to pull.

"Your hot-"

"Thank you baby girl" you rolled your eyes at his cheesyness then looked to the lawn you pulled back patting his chest.

"To hot ...You go do the baytree in the shade and I will finish the grass...Afterall I have to earn my pizza" you giggled he smirked still reaching for you grasping your hips.

"Or you could earn your pizza right here~" you snorted when he moved in rubbing his erection on your ass. You batted him away giggling.

"Later daddy I want my pool" you whined he laughed in disbelief as you wriggled away from him picking up the discarded lawnmower  insert only to squeak as his palm connected with the underside of your ass leaving a light pink print.

"Heeeyy! I was being good!" You whined he just shrugged at you

"Daddy loves his baby's ass...And that play suit rides up perfectly, its to tempting I couldn't resist" You pouted rubbing the warm spot then plopped the basket back into the mower and flipped it on. There was only three maybe four lengths to do and it would be done. You quickly set about getting to work as Henry began giving the bay tree a good cut back, it didn't take either of you long to be done with your tasks and soon enough Henry was attaching the hose to the outside tap getting ready to hose down the patio.

"Babe go inside and get ready, there's a new swimdress in your top drawer" you smiled at him excited quickly scampered past him with Kal hot on your heels up into the bed room quickly slipping on a cute mermaid themed hell bunny swimdress grabbing your watermelon beach towel you ran back down into the garden you squealed as he moved aiming the cold water at you catching our tummy making you swear at him.

"Shit! Henry noo that’s to bloody cold!" He frowned at you then did it again this time holding it following you as you fled from the water...He didn't like you swearing and especially when you were swearing at him that was a definite no no, you spluttered and screamed at him holding your towel as he kept the water on you for a few seconds. Then moved it away washing the last of the water on the patio towards the drain. He sighed giving you a stern glance before  speaking

"Now that’s not very ladylike poppet, you know I don't appreciate that language and you know by now I prefer my other name around the house baby" had you not been so irritated you would have picked up on the steely undertone of his words and the threatening stance he took widening his legs and standing straighter, his jaw locked and eyebrow arched. His whole demeanor screaming 'just who do you think your talking to little girl?'... ‘

But as luck would have it you didn't notice any of these warning signs, you were to wrapped up in your paddy and instead growled at him and stomped your foot flicking back your sopping hair with a loud wet slap falling head first into one of your brat fits.

"Fuck lady like Henry! That’s freezing Jesus Christ its in the kitchen! And we are in the garden not in the house so Henry is fine! Fucking hell! you got my towel wet!! Loooooookkk!" You threw your now soaking towel on the floor at his feet with a harsh slap but faltered when you moved your gaze up to his.

You swallowed noticing your mistake to late. He stopped the hose and gave you a look,  definitely unimpressed with the tantrum you just threw,you took a step back as he moved picking up the towel.

"Henry? Im soRRYY!" quickly with out any hesitation he spun and flicked it faster the you could dodge snapping the end right at your leg making you yelp and jump back out of reach one hit was enough. He pointed at you in warning then through the towel at you

"That was your first and second warning one more and you won't be spending the afternoon in the pool instead you'll be weeding the garden with a sore ass you understand me?" You couldn't help the way his stern voice affected your already  dripping center that had wetted the gusset of your cozy, you nodded to him guilt washing over you as he continued with a furrowed brow.

"Today is supposed to be a nice relaxing day in the sun and I will be very upset if you act up and ruin it" you looked to our feet upset as he scolded you.

"If you go put that on the washing line now it will be dry by the time you've been in The pool...  That's if you change the attitude if not then we can go inside and you wont be having it out clear?" You gasped at him catching the towel with a meek look.

"Hen-daddy please!"

"Enough Are we clear little girl?" You nodded at him solemnly

"Words" you gasped flushing looking around praying the neighbor's wouldn't hear, he stood giving you an even look whining you shook your head motioning to being outside not in the safety of the house he simply watched you and made to take a step towards you. Jumping unsure of what he had planned you fumbled over your words quickly.

"Y-yes daddy.. I'm sorry daddy" he smiled at you nodding then motioned for you to walk to the rotary washing line, you did pegging up the towel pouting then turned to him.

"Enough pouting that bottom lip better be away by the time I'm down there!" You quickly sucked it up as he moved the now folded lawnmower and made his way past you towards the shed to put it away. You watched nervously as he then heaved out the folded pool jumping you smiled rushing to hep him as he wrestled it through the door to the lawn he stopped dropping it then moved to you cupping your face smiling.

"There’s my little subby~ see no need to act up and spoil the day now go get the pump I have already plugged it in. You smiled kissing him then ran the length of the garden Kal joining you sprinting past like it was a race.

It wasn't long before the small pool was up and being filled so far it was half full, Henry had used the tap in the kitchen to fill it with warm water so it wouldn't be such a shock on your skin...Kal was already paddling in it slapping at the waters surface tongue lolled out he was a happy. You moved sitting on the floor beside him bending over the edge of the pool splashing him making him spin quickly before tearing off out of the pool and around the grass skimming the top of the pool as he flew back over into it splashing you back. You giggled turning slightly to see Henry oogling your ass from one of the loungers he had traded his jeans for some swimshorts that hung..low you could see the small trail of hair that you knew grew thicker just below the waist band. The loose shorts did nothing to cover he raging boner, at the sight of it you clenched violently pussy leaking on to your swimming cozy again, you shuddered. He hadn't notice you staring you smirked dipping down lower spreading your legs as you did, you arched forward showing off your ass the skirt of the swimming costume just covering you're covered ass leaving your mound on display and bent down over the inflated pool  moan provocatively as your arms dipped into the pleasantly cool water.

Henry watched as you bent over wriggling your ass side to side,the swimming costume riding up between your cheeks slightly before being covered by the skirt, he groaned he knew what you were doing, and he would definitely oblige tho you may find your self in...Hot water so to speak. Showing an incredible amount of restraint he waited he wanted to see just how much you wanted him. You moved lower spreading your legs and arched popping up you bottom moving it again trying to  entice him, he bit his lip. Fuck it. He got up entering the house he made his way to the cupboard under the stairs and pulled out your huge round lemon covered picnic blanket with tassels, it was super soft microfiber. finally he moved to get your towel that was used for your playtime to soak up any... mess he smirked forming a plan in his head. He would have to be careful not to be seen but heard? He didn't give a fuck if the neighbor's heard you! atleast then they had something decent to listen to rather then their dodgy seventies summer playlist that has never had a song added to it since the seventies. Before exiting the house he also ran upstairs into to toy box routing through untill he found what he was looking for.

A satisfyer traveler. Due to how much he had been spending in buying his arsenal of toys, he had a gift code sent through from bondara for fifty percent off it. It was compact and had a little magnetic lid to it to keep it clean. It did look weird it was effectively a hole with a raised rim to it... A small tube like tunnel about and inch long, deep inside at the bottom was a small soft plastic cover that moved like a plunger. It was designed to suckle on your clit it also vibrates at the same time, it had raving reviews. He had already tested it on his palm and was quite impressed it was a powerful little thing after a few minutes on the ninth out of eleven settings it had left a mark on his skin from sucking on it. It was in a way almost like a pussy pump but just for your clit. Or he hoped so it would be amazing if this little device could suck your little bud swollen, until one single swipe of his finger could send you into a mind shattering orgasm.

He made his way out of the house and back to the pool, you were still bent over laying your head on your crossed arms pouting. You must have noticed him go in, you hadn't noticed him come back out tho. He crept up beside you making you jump as he spoke in a deliberately deep voice knowing what it does to you.

"Babygirl would you stop bending over so much...Your cosy is going up and I don't want the neighbor's to see your cute little tush" he crouched down beside you sliding a finger below the fabric of the swimming costume at your ass and pulled it down with a sharp tug then followed the hem and ran it down between your legs to your front doing the same.

You gasped bucking forward in to the inflated pool as his hot finger traced from your ass to your cunt pulling the fabric, his knuckle skimmed your wet entrance making you jolt even more, now kneeling upright looking back at him blushing. "But how will they daddy? it has a skirt see?" He scoffed and wriggled up to kneel behind you his fingers moving higher probing for your clit then rubbed slow circles around it. You shivered throwing your head back against his collarbone gyrating your hips slowly against him gasping softly. He moved forward resting his chin on your shoulder checking the waterline...still another half hour or so to fill it...Then again it was quite big it had to fit you him, Kal and a few cans of beer inside...

"Oh sweetness? Whats this? You didn't have an accident did you?" You moaned cringing slightly at the thought and shook your head.

"N-no Daddy I didn't honest" he tutted moving his other hand slowly down the join his first this one rubbing from out side of your swimsuit running a single pad around your quivering hole. You arched but was stopped by the pool on your stomach pinning you to his frame, you had nowhere to move or turn to...

"Oh? Then whats all this hmm? Your all wet baby...whats going on Munchkin?" You whined as he pressed harder against you making you feel his erection, his bare skin touching yours through the cut out back of your one piece.

You flushed as he kept rubbing his fingers across you in a teasing motion, is words made you tremble, he knew what he was doing."I-i it wasn't an accident! Its your fault!" He pursed his lips.

"My fault? How is it? OH is this?! Now I understand sweet pea are you all messy for daddy? Poor thing." He pulled away from you, you whined nodding at him. he shook his head tutting then moved away from you completely reaching for the towel and toy. He moved to the opposite side of the pool laying the towel down spreading it out letting some of it fold up the side of it. You tilted you head at him you hadn't noticed he'd got that out and you shivered knowing what it meant, he fussed with it for a few more seconds picking of tiny grass off cuts that had got on it then patted it for you.

"Come on pumpkin!" you blinked at him, the garden really? you moved looking over to the row of houses on the other side of the garden then shook your head at him.

"Come on princess, I promise no one will see trust me"

Slowly you hesitantly crawled the few feet sighing as your knees met the soft towel, it was a thick super soft microfiber bought specifically for this purpose Henry had taken great care in finding something that was absorbent and soft as not to chaff your skin and he made sure to was it with care with plenty of softener so is was always comfortable. it felt like heaven on your knees rather then the prickly grass that really needed a good water. Henry was quick to place you where he wanted leaning your back to rest on the cool plastic pool then moved spreading your legs as far as he could his hands engulfing your thighs. then curling his fingers around them he dragged you down letting just your shoulder blades on the pool, by doing this he had pulled you completely out of view of the windows of the neighbors finally he cupped the crook of your knees and pressed them back to you holding you wide open for him.

"Here poppet hold your legs...Good girl just like that now don't you let them go~" you flushed holding your legs for him feeling your lips spread open for him in this position.

He leaned back growling just having you hold yourself open and waiting for him, being soo good for him made him ready to just fuck you into oblivion. but he wanted to try a few things, experiment with you a little more. you took a deep breath as he finally moved forward one hand slowly lightly running across your center you arched in to him getting a light pinch on your mound."Ah ah stay still little one, just like that such a good girl keeping your legs still hmm? so good for daddy" you nodded unsure if it was a question of not. your blood was pumping full of fear and arousal knowing that you were outside was just..wow the thought of someone over hearing you or seeing you made it more intense.

He continued his slow stokes across you over your swimming costume, the barrier creating a new friction on the sensitive bud. you panted as he changed pace moving your clit from side to side in quick flicking motions.

"Agh! D-Daddy! PLeaseplease!" he chuckled moving his other hand to your contracting hole pressing against it almost entering then began a fast come hither motion watching as you choked back a moaned gasping tensing trying to hold position but grind down at the same time pulling your legs higher trying to encourage him to enter you further. he smiled watching as you desperately tried to hold still but just couldn't manage it wriggling around trying to have more of him. he moved laying down pressing his wide shoulders into your thighs the added pressure helping to hold them open you watched in what felt slow motion as he moved in pressing a sweet kiss on your covered mound then he nuzzled into you pressing his nose  to you breathing in your scent making you flush and kick out a little

"N-no dont! thats embarassing! DAADDY!" you cried throwing your head around looking to make sure no one could see, one hand slipping from your knee letting it slip down, he was fast quickly bringing hi hand up catching it then pressed it back holding it higher then before. he smirked up at you moving to take a deeper breath then growled out you twitched as the hot breath vibrated on to you.

"god baby you really do want daddy huh?" before you could reply be sunk his face down into you prodding with his tongue moving it against you to find your clit then bit lightly running his teeth against you making you try to grind down on him again.

"Ah! D-Daddy?! What are youOH! FUCK FUCK NOOO!" you swore throwing your head back violently as he moved one hand pulling your cozzy to the side and sucked harshly on your clit then began a torturous assault on it harsh sucks and bites rolling the swollen bud between his sharp teeth making to tense and shiver curling up against him trying to free your leg and released the other trying to find some leverage to escape his onslaught. You regretted it when he simply caught it and held it up along side the other. Somehow without pulling away from his delicious feast he had caught your ankles crossing them then pinned them with one hand stretching you out.

You sobbed as his harsh mouth attacked your clit then soothed it with hard licks with the flat of his tongue. he grunted up into you  using his free hand to halt your light rocking holding your hip then moved down his agile tongue slipping in heavy circles around your opening making you cry out again slipping down the towel.

"N-nononono! please I-I can't! don't don't make me! please don't make me D-Daddy! FUCKFUUUCK! noo I-We we're in the garden! ou-outside!" he pulled away smiling at you then quickly impaled you on two fingers making you let out a silent scream as you digits swirled pressing around your hot walls making you tremble.

"Come on sweet heart~ You can do it! I know you can, that’s it do it for Daddy" you whined arching high trying to break his hold of your ankles but her just shook his head keeping his embedded fingers moving with you then sat up putting his weight on the arm pinning your ankles cease your movements. you grunted in annoyance when he did this overpowering you so effortlessly.

He leaned down between your legs and kissed your lips as he began pumping his hand, letting you feel his strength each harsh pump of his hand jolting you against the pool within a few strokes the pool water was sloshing loudly in time with him. You closed your eyes everything was heightened, you could taste yourself on his lips as he moved them in sync with yours prying your mouth open with a deep moan as he forced you to taste yourself on his tongue as he devoured you deeply, you harsh shunts of your body and the feel of the water in the pool rippling and pressing, bouncing you back towards the think fingers.

You whined into the kiss as his fingers sped up curling up to your special spot that you knew by now was how he forced you to squirt around him. you shook your head pulling back from him tears in your eyes trying to pull away from his fingers but he was a man on a mission. you whined gripping the towel below you you knew he wasn't going to relent not until you'd fallen apart around his fingers, you whimpered in slight pain as your abdomen began clenching painfully tight you nerves felt hot burning your blood ran heated roaring through your veins your moans and pants drowned out by your impossibly fast pulse echoing in your ears you panted red and sweaty feeling fevered as you quivered bones trembling as he continued his mastery of your body, playing you like a skilled musician. He grunted slipping a knee below himself giving him more purchase.

"N-NOO! pleaseple-I CAN'T yesyesAGH FUCK DADDY WHY?!" he smirked as your protest became a broken weak sob you was very close indeed.good. he began twisting his hand with each pass of his fingers massaging you just right

"THATS IT! good girl look at me...Good girl just look at daddy~ I've got you now I want you to cum, cum right now babygirl thats it I can feel it sweet pea so close aren't you?" you grunted curling gasping faster unable to catch your breath as his fingers seemed to brush every spot you had you yelped as he twitched his fingers slightly forcing you to release you gasped holding eye contact seeing his wide grin as you flooded over his fingers in a loud and lewd squirt you shivered in the aftermath as he slowed down finally praising you.

"See such a good girl and look no one saw you just like I promised" you whined nodding to him bucking and mewling as you shock with violent aftershocks as you seemed to release thick streams of cum across his hand you cried what felt like floods of tears as your body reacted to his ministrations slowly you began coming back down to earth. you opened your eyes just in time to see him lapping and suckling at his fingers you moaned between heavy pants as he set your legs down either side of him on the towel.

You laid there panting unable to move feeling like jelly nerves shot and skin prickling form the aftermath. That was intense. So intense. And you didn't know why it must have something to do with being outside, the idea of being caught being naughty. Henry moved a warm hand to your tummy rubbing it lightly massaging away the ache from tensing so much.

"D-Daddy? I can't move, I'm tired I want a nap.." he chuckled at you as you closed your eyes your breathing was coming back down now then reached over bringing the toy over. He patted your leg then shuffled you back up the side of the pool making you groan.

"Well baby we aren't done yet just two more okay? then daddy will clean you up... Can you do that for daddy? and we can go get the pizza order done for tonight and you can have a nap on your blanket out here?" you peeked and eye open at him whining.

"Noooo I'm to tired! not now daddy please!" he scoffed at you moving your feet flat you the floor as always keeping your knees spread, he tutted quickly swiping your skirt out of the way rolling it up to your tummy. you whimpered batting at his hands weakly

"Ah ah no come on like i said two more then we will stop! that’s it up you go...There she is my good baby!" you sighed knowing you wasn't getting away anytime soon. You eyed him cautiously as he brought what looked like a little black box you tilted your head.

"Whats that?" he smiled at you and waved it around.

"This is a new type of toy..Something we have never tried and daddy is very excited to try with you" you blinked as he opened it and saw a tiny hole with a rim...What the fuck?, noticing your apprehension he took your hand and pressed it onto the back of it then turned it on then straight up to number four so you could feel exactly what it did. He could see the moment when the penny dropped and you realized what it did. you shook your head trying to scrabble back from him only managing to bump into the pool that was now only around fifteen minuets from being full he had to be quick if he wanted to try the other thing.

"N-ooo no way I Cant that's- I'm to sensitive, I wont last please!" he just moved closer wedging his form between your legs so you couldn't close them. you froze when he moved the pulsating toy to your revealed sex. you cringed as he wasted no time in prying you apart concentrating on your pussy as he placed the sucking hole over your engorged clit. you bucked into him as the toy pulled at your little bud and your walls began fluttering.

"HAH HAH HOOHHH GOD PLEASE THATS ITS NOnononononoooo" you cried unable to stop yourself from thrusting forward onto it he smiled watching closely was you lost your fight grinding harshly into the hand holding it still, he followed your movements with the toy then flicked it up a few levels that added vibrations to the harsh sucking he could feel it humming in his hand with the strength of it. you arched bucking wildly cutting off your own moans with loud gruntal sobs.

The toy was something else and entirely new beast! sucking on you with harsh fast tugs almost like it was trying to wank your over sensitive clit like a cock and the vibrating ring attached to the base of it was powerful and inescapable unlike other toys he had used you could wriggle and accidentally move it, slide it away from that special spot this one completely encompassed you abused clit. with one final click of a button you screeched cumming hard walls clenching and throbbing bucking and grinding uncontrollably  in the air as your body screamed in protest to the almost pailful climax. you cried fat tears as he was to slow to pull it away making you sting slightly.

"D-DaaDDYY no tak-take it off OFF NOW IT-fuck thank-thank you oh god that was" you covered your face whining as he moved fast then took a peek. he gasped looking down seeing your clit larger then ever before and a dark red swollen, you withered as the cool air hit the now over sensitive bud gyrating your hips. he moved closer pulling your lips apart to get a better look."Baby I'm sorry that looks sore...Is it?" you nodded then shook your head you didn't know it was just buzzing twitching and fuck you'd never felt that before."okay sweetness...I'm finished teasing now Daddy will fuck you then wash you off okay?" you nodded even after everything he had done you still wanted his cock, you craved it and doubted you'd ever refuse.

he moved quickly back and dragged you down by your ankles laying you down flat on your back, you cringed as you laid in the wet patch you'd made. he laid down on top of you quickly slipping his cock out of his swim shorts with a quick well practiced motion he moved pressing into you mindful of your obviously tender clit. you gasp as he stretched your aching muscles, the way he teased your walls apart was a relief pulling the tight overworked muscles taught. you sighed once he had almost fully seated himself he was avoiding your clit for the time being having something else planned he wanted you to feel better. You cried out as he rocked into you grunting and moaning, h felt cool against your burning insides his veins and ridges catching on your pussy making it flutter around him yo grunted trying to bounce down onto him

"FUck! babyBABY! NONOno still AGH FUCK ME! sweety NO! thats it stop stop baby good girl let daddy do it....UGGHH YESS!" he hissed as he held you still fucking into you spearing your hot cunt you held onto his back feeling the strong muscles move helping him to pump into you in long  powerful strokes making you grunt and bounce off his thighs he moved kissing you groaning into your mouth twisting his head then moved letting his body lay on yours stretching out his hands pulling your hands down and interlocking his fingers with yours as he moved in slow undulating thrusts making love to you instead of a fevered fucking. you melted below him feeling the heated skin of his chest through the swimdress you now think you understood why it was a swimdress and not a normal one piece, the skirt hid your coupling from the view of any nosey neighbors.

You panted pulling back from him, he rested his head against yours grunting louder and fucked into you faster he was close. you ground yourself on him.

"Pl-please daddy please cum, I want it! please please I'll be good I promise cum inside me please~" your words must have helped as he grunted then growled moving faster still hips stuttering, he moved tugging the short skirt up and peeked down seeing your swollen clit didn't look as sore now and quickly placed his hand there your reaction was immediate as he brushed the small bundle of nerves with each thrust you gasped bucking harshly again unable to stop yourself from chasing that high once again you panted harshly with Henry then with a skilled flick of his wrist you grunted arching up to him squeezing him tight releasing around him this time your cunt satisfied with the cock embedded deep inside of you. he leaned down closing his mouth over yours as his cock swelled releasing into your depth with a loud growl giving a few last quick thrusts then stilling emptying his balls inside of you. you giggled when he pulled back tucking himself away and rolling over one hand flipping your skirt back down then creeping below it snapping your cozzy back to cover you again.

you both laid looking up at the sky watching the clouds sighing relaxing.

"That was incredible!" you moved your head to him as he laughed reaching out a hand to scratch at your scalp you hummed at him half asleep. he rolled over you and kissed you on your cheeks then slowly got up picking you up you were limp in his arms and rolled your head to his neck.

"Come on babe, I'll hose you down and we can order pizza then you can have a nap" you hummed nodding not really paying attention. your eyes snapped open as you herd him step in the pool.

"HUH? W-What?" he shushed you and lowered you into the warm water he as you in the corner and kneeled before you carefully. you whined as he pressed your legs open once more below the water and moved his hand around your swollen fucked pussy. you jolted as he rubbed lightly then pulled the hose that was still running water and directed the flow to your pussy. you whined trying to twist away.

"Ah ah come on let me clean you up" you whined as the pressure of the water soothed your tender clit feeling cool on your heated skin. It wasn't long before your held dropped back on the sun warmed plastic. You gasped whimpering softly as he moved the stream of water across you up from your clit to your twitching hole, you bucked and rocked slowly he maneuvered your cozzy pinching the gusset and pulled it higher letting it slip into your folds trapping your clit and swirled the hose around it the twisted the nozzle making the water come through slightly more powerful. you jolted but he held you still pressing the hard plastic to your bulging mound tilting it down making the water run across your hole pussy building you up one last time then he would stop.

"Noo...DaDDYY! I cant ...not in the pool?!" he smiled tilting his head and kissing you then crowded you hiding your quivering form with his huge frame he rested his face at your ear as you withered against him.

"Its okay baby, don't forget i got the filter pump to put in and all the chlorine to go in...its fine baby just relax let go then you can have your nap~" he couldn't help it he was selfish he wanted to spoil you, to make you fall apart again and again he hadn't made you cum in over a week he was making up for lost time. you grunted arching into him trying to forget the fact you was in the pool in the garden. Which was hard to do when your movements were splashing the water around you. You cried out as he moved the hose lower pointing the powerful stream up hitting the underneath of your still swollen clit your eyes opened and you gasped loud curling forward tensing pressing your head into Henry's chest and came with a cry. Henry shuddered feeling you release into the water a warm stream passing over his leg you wriggled at him moaning twitching completely fucked out relaxing in the water he watched satisfied as you started floating.

Once he was sure you was back down to earth again he stood scooping you up with one arm holding the hose in the other hand he quickly lifted the hose tossing it on the grass making Kal yelp and run as it pointed at the dog who has been minding his own business on the grass lounging in the sun.

"Fuck..Sorry Kal..You okay buddy?" the Akita snorted at him and curled up facing away from you both. you huffed a laugh

"He's not happy with you" he scoffed shaking his head making his way down the garden with you cradled in his arms.

"Well I did just soak the poor bugger" you blinked weakly

"Makes two of us!" he through his head back laughing finally making it to the lounger that were both now in full sun, he kicked it back to lay down and placed you onto it with a sweet kiss.

"You get some sleep nugget and i will order the pizza barbecue chicken right?" you nodded sleepily hearing him move entering the kitchen

"AND MOZZORELLA STICKS...AND ONION RINGS!" he called out an 'yes I know' and you curled onto your side hearing Kal pad up to your side and lay down with a loud sigh sprawling out in the shade you made on the floor you moved a hand down and began twiddling his fur in your fingers falling asleep in the warm sun.

That was how Henry found you both ten minuet's later snoring softly Kal shifted giving him a judgmental stare.

"What?....Okay I get it I'm sorry....But look at her can you blame me? a sexy woman like that you know....Well no you don't know your still a virgin soo...Yeah sorry about that boy." Kal groaned and move lying on his side Henry sighed waving off the grumpy boy and laid back on the other lounger with a book deciding to read whilst you had your well deserved nap.

[greaterstokesawareness]

My RECAP: Brian Stokes Mitchell at The Town Hall NYC with Seth Rudetsky, April 4, 2022

[Seth Rudetsky's Broadway featuring Brian Stokes Mitchell at The Town Hall NYC, Monday, April 4, 2022]. (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

On February 22, 2021 I listened to Brian Stokes Mitchell for the very first time.  Then I listened to him all year long, through lockdown and isolation, on my way to get my first vaccine shot, on the way back into the office for the first time in almost two years.  I listened to interviews he gave about the importance of art and artists, about the uplifting power of music and performance, and about the inherent spiritually of art.  Stokes was both professor and syllabus.  I started looking for these glimmers in other aspects of life: in nature, in solitude, in the smallest of moments throughout the day. Finding and researching his works was a life-saver and a life-enricher in a really dark time. It brought a new and exciting way to look at and navigate the world.

On April 9, 2021 I bought tickets to his show at Town Hall in NYC, wondering as my mouse hovered over the front row whether I was worthy of those seats since I’d only been listening to him for a few months.  Gatekeeping myself as if I needed to be an expert to know the joy his works were adding to my life.  Just the act of buying those tickets made me so happy, the promise of a fun night out in NYC, in a near future beyond whatever dystopian sci-fi novel we were living in.   

On July 23, 2021 I got to see him at his free outdoor concert at Lincoln Center, we were way in the back, but just seeing him from afar and hearing him in person was uplifting.  His voice floated up into the New York City night air combining with the hum of the city.  It was right before Delta, when there was a tiny bit of hope that the pandemic was actually coming to an end. 

On April 4, 2022 we sat in the front row at the Town Hall, one entire year on from buying the tickets, still in this pandemic, cases rising again, two more variants on from Delta.  More learning to live with this reality than imagining it will ever truly come to an end. 

Last January, Stokes gave an interview on the “Just for Variety” podcast talking about how he couldn’t wait to be part of an audience again; sharing an arm rest with a stranger, no masks, and just ugly crying over a show together.  No exaggeration, this was me the entire show – except masks were required.  Every time he started to sing, tears welled in my eyes.  It was honestly quite spiritual, by the end of the night I felt like I went to church.

The show was Brian Stokes Mitchell in conversation and in concert with Seth Rudetsky.  Everything was perfect: the format, the song choices, the banter, the conversation.  Seth expertly steered the discussion and the performances without stepping on Stokes’s natural enthusiasm.  I loved every moment of it.  I won’t recap the whole entire show, although you will find links above to other posts about the show as well as the set list below, but please do allow me to be an emotional nerd for the next few paragraphs because this show was one of the most meaningful live music performances I’ve ever attended. 

Face-acting is something that can be so special 

I love watching people’s faces tell a story, it’s why I love tv and movies so much, it’s why I love watching the actor that’s not speaking in a scene, that’s just listening and helping to tell the story with their face and movements, it’s why something I can connect with in this way is so rewatchable, and it’s why I love watching Stokes sing so much.  He's singing, beautifully, expertly, but it's also almost like he's listening too; listening to the song, to the character, to the songwriter and composer. I mean, musical theater songs have that story built in, so watching someone sing a song from a show isn’t just seeing and hearing that one song or performer, it’s everything about that character and the story they’re living in, and when the perfect person is playing that character it’s just something that can be so special. 

Towards the latter part of the show, Stokes sang "How to Handle a Woman" from Camelot, which appears on his 2012 album Simply Broadway. He's kind of playing three different characters in this song: Arthur, Merlin, and then himself. And this was so much more pronounced in person than it is on the album, as Stokes sang the Merlin portion of the song walking as if he had a cane as he made his way over to the chairs where they sat for the conversation parts of the show. He sat down in Seth's chair and sang the rest of the song from there. It was like he acted the first part of the song, sat down and absorbed the quiet piano part, and then turned back into himself for the last part of the song. Seth's chair was directly across from where I was sitting and so being in the right place at the right time, I got to receive this part of the song. To be quite honest, I was genuinely sobbing under my mask, it was like an otherworldly feeling to see that he was actually looking at me while he was singing. It's almost indescribable.

The only comparable moment that comes to mind is when I took a music appreciation elective in college and in this small little room with just a handful of non-musical people, the teacher sat down at the piano and played “Adagio: Pathetique” by Beethoven, the one Billy Joel uses in his song “This Night.”  Up to that point in my life, I’d heard a lot of Billy Joel and not a lot of Beethoven, but I’d also never heard a live piano performance that was so close and personal, almost like it was just for me.  I’d never been in a room with just a piano, ever.  The creaking of the piano bench as his weight shifted, the physical thump of the keys being played, the deep breath of the pedals. I think about that moment all the time, how in the middle of the school day with thoughts about papers and weekend plans and changing my major, I could be moved by something so deeply that I’d remember it years and years later.    

A song is alive as long as people still sing it and listen to it.  And if it’s alive, it can grow and change and shift meanings 

He introduced “Feeling Good” by saying it never used to be his favorite song. Same Stokes, same.  This one also appeared on his 2012 Simply Broadway album so I have to assume his opinion of it changed back then. But the way he introduced the song this night was to talk about the way the meaning of the song shifted for him once again as he emerged from his bout with Covid-19. He spoke about noticing the vibrancy of the world, of nature, of a simple walk through the park.  

The thing it most reminds me of in my personal memory bank is the evolution of Bruce Springsteen’s “My City of Ruins.” He wrote that song for Asbury Park, NJ in the early 2000s, then he played it on the America: A Tribute to Heroes concert after 9/11 and it took on a new meaning. By the time I attended his concert at the Hartford Civic Center in early October 2012 he was introducing it as a song “from my ghosts to your ghosts” after recently losing Clarence Clemons. The song was almost a spiritual hymn that night as Bruce spoke about the ghosts that walk alongside you to “remind you of the preciousness of life, the sweetness of this evening, the goodness of love.” It was a special and deeply spiritual moment that I’ll never forget, to be there in attendance when a song you’ve lived with shifts meanings. A few weeks later Hurricane Sandy hit and it became a song for New Jersey once again. 

But I digress..

Stokes then proceeded to sing “Feeling Good” with so much depth and consequence changing the way I will experience this song forever. It’s always been this playful jazz tune in my mind, but the way Stokes sang it this night with all the emotional weight of the pandemic behind and ahead of us all, it was hymn-like.  Like I truly do not know how to explain in human words how this went from a song that I feel just ok about to a moment of intense spirituality.  Was it being part of an actual audience again, in a quiet, darkened room with people that lived a thousand different days that day, but ended up sitting together in the same place? Was it wandering around New York City with my best friend on a breezy, spring day after months of cold? Was it being in the front row seeing someone take a moment to close their eyes tightly and give everything to the song?  I honestly don’t know what makes some nights at a concert so transcendently special, I guess it’s a combination of so many things that are personal to those particular members of the audience that are spiritually freaking out inside, that feeling where you’re just experiencing a performer who can make you feel like he’s singing just for you in a single moment, but also for the stardust at the beginning of the universe.  Sorry I know that is an insane sentence but truthfully, I have never felt so moved at a concert.  The spirit of the song felt like it was in the room, swirling around us all. An actual presence.

I’ve read about this exact thing in other reviews of Stokes’s shows, which devastatingly, are sometimes the only record that the show happened.  Most recently, I read this sentence in a review of one of his shows in Cincinnati: “He exuded a genuine spirit every time he was onstage, and communicated every lyric to every seat in the house.” 

Every single song was my favorite. The little kid lisp in "Wizard Every Day," the sign language he did during the song from Godspell, the power and the softness of "So In Love," the funny little comedy bits in "Ain't Necessarily So," the absolute jaw-dropping gravitas of hearing him sing "This Nearly Was Mine" with no microphone. It was a perfect night of stories and songs.

Taking a moment to acknowledge the power of a song, the power of a performance

Anyway, in case it wasn't clear, this show was very special to me.  When the lights came up, I got out of my seat, walked up the aisle, out the door, and stood outside the venue as an absolute husk of myself.  Not to be the most dramatic person on the planet, but yeah, that.  It’s true though, I didn’t even wipe the tears from my eyes until the night air hit my face.  With no last-minute train to catch, we stood outside the Town Hall just taking in the essence of the show, talking about the really special moments, watching everyone shuffle out and meet up with old friends, get into their Ubers, or just walk down the sidewalk and disappear into the New York City night for more adventures.  We decided we might as well wait to see if Stokes would come out of the stage door and sign stuff or take pictures.  It’s still Covid times, so it’s hard to know what’s appropriate, but just standing out there in the chilly air looking up at the lights of the city against the darkness of the sky was a really great way to end the night, I've never gotten to mentally sit with a show for that long without having to worry about finding the car, driving out of after-show traffic, finding out what train to catch and how fast we have to run to make it.  Just to be out there and be able to experience and sit with joy; marinate in it, examine it, deconstruct it and to know that’s what you’re doing. Epiphanal, as Stokes would say.

He did eventually come out and I was able to say “hi” and “will you take a picture” and “thanks” because I was an actual starry-eyed mess, thinking all these huge thoughts, but not able to speak them out loud. I was not okay, lol, but it was a great way to end a really fun, moving, amazing day. 

I’ve been to tons of concerts, have seen really personally meaningful artists and music, experienced performances that have brought tears to my eyes.  To hear songs sung by an artist that holds a special place for you, in the same room as you, there’s no comparison to how affecting that is, but Stokes makes you feel like it’s also the most important moment for him too, which is kind of a rare thing.  Like I don’t know how to explain it, and I don’t even want to speculate on this particular talent, I just choose to believe he goes 1000% on every song, every time and is having the time of his life. 

-- DL, 5/8/22, @itslucyhenley

Set list: 

No Business Like Show Business 

So In Love 

All Good Gifts (with ASL) 

Man of La Mancha (I, Don Quixote) 

Impossible Dream 

Feelin’ Good 

Wizard Every Day 

Ain’t Necessarily So 

Stars 

How to Handle a Woman 

Wheels of a Dream 

This Nearly Was Mine (no mic) 

[sushiandstarlight]

Lockdown Voicemails

Read this story on AO3

There was an extremely annoying sound blaring outside his cocoon of blankets.  No matter how much he growled and hissed at it, the sound wouldn’t cease.  In fact, it was only getting louder.

Crowley reached out and grasped his phone, swiping the alarm off without even looking.  He drug his now-cold arm with the phone back into the warmth of the blankets and sighed.  Maybe five more minutes.  What was five more minutes after months of sleeping?

He gave up on it two minutes in, an antsiness spreading out into his limbs making them want to move and slither.  He pulled the phone up in front of his face and blinked a few times to clear his vision only to startle and sit up, throwing the blankets back.

There were 24 missed calls, all from Aziraphale.  His heart started racing, thinking something had gone horribly wrong while he slept.  But, really, if it was something so bad surely Aziraphale would have popped over and woke him up, right?  He jabbed the first voicemail:

“Ah, I see I did miss you.  I had hoped, well... I had hoped to catch you before your nap,” and here Aziraphale’s voice waiver and lowered a bit, “It is just a nap, I hope.  I hope you won’t be gone until July.  Just... er, just call me back when you get up, I suppose? Okay.”

Crowley stared at the phone.  So, Aziraphale had been okay on May 2nd.  That was good.  He tapped the second message:

“I guess you were telling the truth about your nap until July.  That’s okay, really.  I mean there’s not much to do, is there?  I was enjoying my baking... The whole process and, of course, the tasting.  I don’t know.  It’s lost a bit of it’s shine, I’m afraid.  I thought about leaving some of my cakes on the neighbor’s stoops.  Not sure how well that would be received.  Is that a thing humans do anymore?  Unprecedented times, they keep saying,” there was a long pause where Crowley could hear him breathing, “I suppose that’s it then.  I hope you’re resting well.”

He scrolled down a few voicemails and tapped the one from the last day of May.

“I spent some time reading human accounts of ‘ancient Rome’ today,” Aziraphale began without preamble; Crowley thought he sounded tired, “not all accurate, but they do a pretty good job for what information they have.  Doesn’t quite capture the feel of the time.  You can’t capture the feeling if you haven’t experienced a culture though, can you?  Do you... do you remember the oysters?  I thought they were divine, but I remember your face when you tried them.” There’s a soft chuckle and then, “I miss our dinners.  Ordering in isn’t the same, even if I can get whatever I want these days.”  There was another pause and then a click.

Crowley’s heart was doing a funny little sideways wobble.  That was the end of May.  He was a little afraid to click the next few messages.  Maybe... maybe he shouldn’t have been so quick to leave Aziraphale behind just to skip a few months.  He scrolled past a few more voicemails and tapped one for the middle of June.  There was hardly a sound at first, but an occasional soft sigh or the creak of floorboards gave away that someone was there, pacing.  Crowley held the phone closer.

“... the thing is, as you say... I miss you, Crowley.  I don’t miss our dinners so much.  I can order in what I like.  I don’t miss the plays; I can ‘stream’ those.  A lot of museums are putting so many interesting things on the internet for me to visit.  I can have the majority of the world right here in my bookshop with me.  Imagine, human ingenuity,” Crowley swears he can actually hear Aziraphale swallow hard over the phone, “But you’re over there sleeping and I miss your company.  Which is silly, isn’t it?  We’ve gone longer apart, I know...” there’s another near-silent pause before Aziraphale seems to collect himself, “Do give me a ring when you wake up, dear.”

Crowley rubbed his eyes with his free hand because they were itching from being closed for so long.  It’s the brightness of the phone, that’s all.  Still, his chest is aching solidly now.  There were a couple more messages before the last one and he skips those, opting to listen to the one from two days ago.

“It’s- It’s nearly July now.  I find myself a bit excited to hear from you.  I hope you don’t hit the snooze,” the laugh that follows sounds hollow and a bit forced, “I wouldn’t blame you if you did, though.  Especially if you check the news before your phone.  Things are not...  they’re not as far along as we’d hoped.  I mean, the world is trying to open back up.  Humans treat economies like living things, you know.  Some of the sellers on the street have lost their shops.  And, one of them got sick.  She’s still in hospital.  I would like to visit her... maybe help... but they aren’t allowing visitors due to the infectiousness of the virus...” there’s another one of those long, painful pauses that gnaws at Crowley’s chest before, “When you wake up you’re more than welcome to come here now.  I should have... I should have let you pop over to begin with.  It’s still hard to remember, sometimes... that there aren’t rules for us now.  Not even human rules, really.  You can drive as fast as you like in London.  We can’t get sick.  You can come here.  I wish.  I wish you’d come here.  Call me when you’re up, won’t you?”

Crowley tossed his phone and the blankets aside, sliding to the edge of the bed and rubbing his face with both hands.  Taking a nap had been a mistake.  He should have insisted and tempted the angel into giving in.  That’s what he always had done, wasn’t it?  Spin words differently until something that had sounded impossible started to sound like something allowed.  It was just that, after everything, he had wanted Aziraphale to invite him willingly.  But, what had that stubbornness really accomplished?  With a snap of his fingers he was clean and dressed.  He grabbed a few of his things and a bottle of wine and headed for the Bentley.

Strangely, a knock at the door of the bookshop door yielded no answer.  Crowley had seen plenty of humans out and about on the streets on his way here.  Maybe the angel had gone out at last.  Still, it was being advertised as a bad idea, so he didn’t think that was the case.  He snapped open the door and crept inside, locking it again behind him.  The bookshop was dark and still inside.  He kept walking through the maze of books and the collected clutter of all the angel’s lifetimes.

He found Aziraphale in a pool of light in the back room.  He was curled up at the end of the sofa where they’d spent so many nights talking and drinking.  A blanket was draped over his lap and a book that had been in his hands was now on the floor.  He was sleeping, unbelievably.  Crowley had never seen him sleep before.  But, here he was: asleep with his silly little glasses still on.

Crowley set the wine down on a side table and stooped down to pick up the book, closing it gently and setting in on the sofa beside Aziraphale.  He didn’t stand back up, instead crouching there and observing his friend: his face was lax in sleep, all the fussy lines smoothed out.  Crowley found he would rather have those lines back if it meant he could see his eyes.  He reached out and gently shook the angel’s knee.

Aziraphale startled which made Crowley jump, losing his balance and pitching backwards to sit on the floor.

“Crowley!”

“Yes, it’s me!”

“Oh!” Aziraphale flustered, going about straightening his bow tie and his collar, “How did you... Did you really pop over here?”

“You were asleep.”

“Nonsense, I don’t sleep.”

“You rarely sleep.”

“I don’t sleep at all.  You sleep.  For months.”  There was a hurt edge to his voice that cut where the voicemails had ached.  He had.  He had left him alone here for months.

“Okay, you weren’t asleep.  I just snuck up on you.  Very sneaky, me.”  He was back up on his knees now, unsure what to do with his hands.  He wanted to touch, but that hadn’t seemed so welcomed a moment before.

“That isn’t much better, is it?”  Aziraphale was fiddling with the edges of he blanket in his lap, “Did you have a good nap?”

“Nothing to speak of, really, I was unconscious,” Crowley wanted to rest his hands on Aziraphale’s knees at least, some form of grounding connection, instead he tried to use words, “I’m sorry-”

“I do apologize-”

They shared a long look.

“I’m glad you didn’t oversleep,” Aziraphale swallowed glancing from Crowley’s eyes to his own lap, “It’s been a long couple of months...”

Crowley placed a hand on one knee and when that wasn’t met with more than a cautious gaze he grasped the other and gave it a squeeze.

“I would rather have been here.  I’m glad to be here now, with you.”

“I’m relieved you’re here.  I missed you terribly, Crowley.”  Soft, impossibly warm hands covered his own and Crowley’s heart gave a lurch.

“Next time,” Crowley watched more lines cross the angel’s face, “if there is a next time, I mean.  Next time I’ll set my phone so you can ring through.”

“Oh, would you?”

“Anything, Angel, if it’ll make you feel better.”

“Maybe next time- if there is a next time,” Aziraphale pulled back his hands and fussed with them in his lap, “Next time you could just sleep here.  So I... So I know where you are.”

“I could do that, too,” Crowley’s voice sounded rough even to him.  The distance between them, though scant, was still unnerving him.  He stood slowly and sat beside Aziraphale, knee pressed against his thigh, “You sounded so sad on the phone.  I should’ve been there to answer.  I won’t make that mistake again, I promise.”

There was a pause.

“You believe me?”

“I do.  You haven’t lied to me yet.”

Crowley felt his shoulder’s relax for the first time since he’d started listening to the messages on his phone.

“So, tell me: you’ve been here all this time wishing I was here, yeah?  What would you like to do?  I brought some wine!  We could play some board games.  Promise not to cheat... overly much.”  Crowley smiled at him, hoping to draw a smile from the angel.

Aziraphale smiled a little and then a worried shadow crossed over his face.

“Whatever you want, I’m at your disposal: a fully charged demon.”

“I... you don’t have to, you know?  It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Aziraphale was rambling on like Crowley usually did and that was unnerving to say the least, “Could I... well, could I hold you?”

Crowley’s brain fizzled to a stop.

“You can say no,” Aziraphale’s breaths were coming faster now and he was blinking rapidly, “you don’t have to.”

Crowley sat up and threw a knee over Aziraphale’s lap so he could settle into it.

“Oh.”

“Whatever you want.  I meant it.”  Crowley watched for a moment as Aziraphale took him in, drinking him in really.  Then the angel was reaching for him and pulling him into a tight hug.  Crowley snuggled closer to him, burying his face in the angel’s shoulder.

“You’re what I want,” one warm hand was on Crowley’s back while the other was stroking up into his hair, “I missed you and now I only want to know you’re here.”

“m’here,” Crowley murmured into the shoulder he was pressed into, arms looping around Aziraphale’s neck, “Not going anywhere.”

Aziraphale squeezed him again and Crowley felt the tension in the angel’s body drain out, taking his along with it.

[pepprs]

i don’t know how to explain that since march 2020 with each new horrible thing happening in the world i shrink further and further into myself and away from connection and hope

[emiewritesthings]

locked down with you (1)- jay halstead

jay halstead x fem!reader

summary: a series of scenarios between y/n and jay whilst they quarantine together

requested?: nope but requests are open :)

warnings: language but basically just fluff

a/n: still being in lockdown has made me think about what it would be like to be living with jay during these times. the following is just a strange combinations of scenarios i have thought about. not sure i how i feel about them :/

masterlist

day 1 of lockdown

“is that the last box?” jay called out as he reappeared from his room with a sweaty brow and a large smile on his face. he wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to seeing your clothes hung up beside his own in his wardrobe, or your shows lined up beside his by the door. it was strange, but it felt... natural.

“i think so, wow is it sad that my whole life can be packed up into 5 boxes?” y/n asked, collapsing onto the sofa breathing out heavily. jay let out a small chuckle, before he joined her, melting into the cushions that supported their bodies. 

“well that’s not true, that was just your clothes, you still have an entire apartment of things waiting for you back home.” he corrected, with a smug smile pointed. the pad of it flicking her nose, making a childish giggle escape her parted lips. “but who knows by the end of this thing you might need to bring those over too.” jay hummed, leaning closer to her with lustful eyes. in a matter of seconds, his lips pressed lazy kisses against her neck, the sensation taking y/n’s body to a new level of euphoria

“just give it a week, halstead. you will be so sick of me you will have to kick me out.” she challenged, watching as he pulled his lips away from her skin for a moment. allowing their foreheads to rest against one another, eyes both equalling challenging the other to make the next mood. in a moment of weakness, it had been y/n to lean forward, igniting the warmth in their chest. 

“if anything, i don’t think i will be able to let you go.” his breaths were rugged, only parting to say the last few words before he reconnected their lips. his hands respectfully running over her body, admiring the way it curved and held its unique shape. 

he sure could get used to this.

--

day 3 of lockdown

“jay!” y/n whined impatiently as she threw her head back to demonstrate just how tired she was becoming. a strange ache running up her spine from the position she was currently sat in. her back arched as she rested against the arm of the sofa. her fingers pinching a pencil as she looked between her sketchpad and the angelic man sat a few centimetres away. “i thought i told you not to move.” 

jay’s eyes narrowed in confusion, as he looked up from the pile of paperwork he had to complete by the end of the day. seeing his girlfriend sat in a large hoodie that she had stolen from their wardrobe and a pair of shorts, a look of boredom and frustration etched on her features, he had to question what the hell was going on.

“what are you talking about?” jay asked, in all honesty, he had been so focused on his work that he had tuned the woman out. from the look of art supplies spread over the floor, he could only assume she was occupying her day off with fulfilling her craving to be artistic. 

“you know what, it doesn’t even matter anymore,” she sighed, closing up the book in her hands. “it was stupid anyway.” she muffled into the sleeve of her sweater, attempting to walk out of the living room towards the kitchen, a place she had labelled her ‘happy place’ from the moment she stepped into the apartment. slight guilt seeped into jay’s mind as he pushed himself away from the sofa cushions and wrapped her up in his bulky, warm arms.

“i’m sorry.” he apologised, arms trapping her in what only could be described as a bear hug. from her small frame, jay managed to rest his chin on the top of her head, until he brought his face down to kiss her cheek softly. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry.” he repeated between each.

y/n felt her mood slightly, reminding herself of the effect the man had on her. she felt like mush in his hands that he was able to sculpt in whatever way he wanted and she had no objections. 

“now what do we have here?” he spoke more to himself as he took the sketchpad from her hands, his fingers playing with the edge of the pages until he stopped on a page with a rather large sketch. the pencil lines were faint, but it didn’t take jay a moment to recognise the large image illustrated on the page. “holy shit, y/n.”

feeling her cheeks heat up, she tried to hide her face with her sleeves. she didn’t like to share her work with anyone, with fear that she would be laughed out of the room. but listening to jay’s taken aback tone made the butterflies in her stomach jump without any consideration for y/n’s wellbeing.

“i know it’s not the best, but-.” she attempted to denounce her clear display of talent by breaking out the embrace, but jay only held onto her tighter. using what control he had to turn her around to face him. he had placed the sketch on the coffee table, so he could focus fully on the beautiful woman standing in front of him.

“it’s amazing,” jay assured, his gaze diving deep into the soul present behind the beautiful colours of y/n’s eyes. “you are amazing, i’m sorry i’m so busy.” y/n didn’t need an apology. she knew that jay’s job was much more demanding than her own. it just seemed being forced to do nothing didn’t feel as good as when she chose to do nothing before any of this quarantine business was mentioned. 

“do you want some help?” she offered, not wanting to intrude. her teeth brought in her bottom lip to bite in anticipation worried she had crossed the line. jay’s hand reached up to rest on the side of her face, his thumb resting on her chin as he brought it down to rescue her lip.

“you are the best, you know that?” 

“ugh, come on, romeo.” 

day 9 of lockdown

“okay-.” y/n began as she entered the bedroom, her body wrapped in a towel and her hair leaving water droplets behind her. it was sometime in the late afternoon and jay was laying on their bed. his attention had been caught by a book y/n had brought, but it had been stolen when she had entered the room.

“i don’t know what you’re about to say but i know it’s going to be a bad idea.” jay discouraged, he knew her. he knew her more than anyone else in this world. the way her voice had raised slightly at the end and she was currently avoiding eye contact with the detective, telling him that she was about to make to offer a foolish plan.

“no fair, you have to at least hear me out!” she whined like a child, searching around for her bras that were normally flung in different directions, thanks to a little too happy detective. jay watched her with a loving grin, she made him feel so alive. 

“okay, proceed.” he gestured as though he was king of the castle ordering his servants around. flicking her middle finger up at the man, disappearing into the bathroom once again, but her voice could still be made out.

“i want to dye my hair!” jay couldn’t see her face, but he could imagine the little hop she had done in excitement at telling him about her idea. “or maybe shave my head, you know, since lockdown could go on for the rest of the year, it’s not like anyone will see it.” 

letting out a deep chuckle, he waited until she reappeared to respond. her body, cladded in sweats (for once ones that belonged to her), collapsed down beside him. curling into the side of his body. she stared up at him dazedly, trying to read the thoughts behind his eyes.

“it’s your body, your choice,” he shrugged, his right hand coming to his side so he could grab ahold of her own. when interlocking their fingers, he made sure to run his thumb over her knuckles comforting. “i don’t care if you shaved off all your hair and your eyebrows whilst wearing a potato sack, you will always be beautiful to me.” 

“i love you.” she hummed, leaning up to kiss his lips.

“i love you too.” 

--

day 16 of lockdown

“y/n hurry up it’s on!” y/n heard as she grabbed a few beers from the fridge. as she reached the living room, she grinned at the sight of kevin, kim, adam, will, natalie on the computer screen. 

“hey guys!” she squealed, giving jay a beer before putting the rest on the coffee table that the computer currently rested on. 

“oh shit, now i owe kevin 10 bucks.” adam whined, his image slightly pixelated from his poor connection. frowning, y/n looked towards jay that was equally as confused. they then turned their gaze towards kevin, who wore a large smug smirk.

“ruzek here betted me 10 bucks that you two would have killed one another by day 14.” y/n let out a snort of laughter, throwing her head back in amusement. of course, kevin had bet in their corner, had it not been for him, jay and y/n wouldn’t have been together in the first place. 

“honestly i wouldn’t have blamed you, y/n,” will spoke up, “it takes a saint to deal with jay’s slobbiness. i think i have only ever seen jay clean his room twice, mom always took pity on him.” will chuckled, making jay cower in embarrassment. y/n had seen first-hand jay’s ability to create a mess in a matter of minutes. a stray sock here, an empty pizza box there. before she knew it, they were eligible for Hoarders USA. 

“shut up, will, are we starting this quiz or what?” jay changed the subject, trying to get over the embarrassment of being laughed at by their closest friends. in an attempt to cool him down, y/n hooked her pinky around his. offering him a soft smile when he looked up in her direction.

“hope you guys are ready to lose.” she teased, turning back to face the screen. jay watched the way she acted so freely, a kind smile never slipping from her face, her touch soothing his soul. at that moment he couldn’t help but think ‘this will be the woman i marry’

--

day 34 of lockdown

“-alright, alright i think he’s on his way. i’ll see you later.” y/n rushed out as she jumped off her position sat on the edge of the bed. her heartbeat was thumping against her chest as she shoved her phone back into her pocket, aware the sound of water had fallen silent. 

it was jay’s birthday and y/n had been planning it for the past two weeks. unfortunately, it was well known that y/n y/l/n was awful keeping secrets. it was as though when she knew something, good or bad, she felt an immense amount of pressure, which ended in her exploding and spilling all to the one person she normally wasn’t meant to. but she was determined that this would be like the other times. she had gone the extra mile in avoiding conversation with jay, knowing one slip and her whole plan was ruined. 

“hey, baby!” jay yelled, y/n’s body jumped in shock. his footsteps growing nearer until he appeared in front of him. his muscled torso on show as his bottom half was hidden away by a large grey towel. jay noticed y/n’s jumpy behaviour immediately, his eyes drawing nearer as he examined her face. “what’s wrong?”

“wrong? with me? pfft, nothing’s wrong with me. absolutely nothing. w-what’s wrong with you?” she rushed out, leaning her weight against the dressing table until her hand slipped and she quickly caught herself before hitting her head on the wood. jay shook his head in amusement, he had been worried for the past few days that he had upset the woman. she was unusually quiet, which normally indicated that something was wrong, considering she hated silence. 

“doesn’t matter.” 

seeing jay withdraw from her made her want to reach out, but her mind already ticked over to something else. running into the guest room, she reappeared with a shoe-like box. not knowing what to say, she shoved the box in his direction innocently. jay pecked her lips lightly, taking the box and taking a seat as he ripped the sparkly paper she had found in a random drawer.

removing the box lid, he peered into the box with curiosity. in a matter of seconds the teasing look fell from his face, replaced with a loss of words. in the box resided memories that up until that moment had been in the back of jay’s mind. letters that the pair had sent back and forth all those years ago when he had been enlisted in afghanistan. photos from jay’s police academy graduation, dates, christmases anything that held a sentimental feeling y/n wished to recreate. 

“y-you kept all this stuff?” he asked, his fingers grabbing a small blue teddy bear that’s fur was slightly matted from the dust that had tainted its texture and colour. the very bear y/n had brought jay the time he had broke his arm back when they were kids, she had forced her mother to buy the bear from the giftshop knowing that it would cheer the boy up. she was right, of course she was right.

“of course i did,” she whispered, resting her chin on his shoulder, watching him study each individual object. “throwing away any of this stuff made me feel like i was throwing a bit of us, you know?” y/n felt stupid, but only the slight blush on her cheeks gave it away to anyone that looked close enough.

“thank you, thank you for everything.” snaking his arms around her, he brought his chest close to his chest. sometimes he felt like they were still the kids that would climb through each other’s windows just so they could hold one another and remind the other they weren’t alone. “i love you so much, i’m so happy i have you in my life.” 

the tears brimming in y/n’s eyes were not missed by the detective, he didn’t miss anything she did. she was like art to him, something beautiful, at times a little misunderstood, but beautiful nevertheless. lifting his head to connect their lips, the two took their time, slowly allowing the lust to push its way through. before it could progress any further a loud blare made them jump apart.

“what the-.” jay began, watching as y/n pushed her way off the seat and running out the door. hesitantly he followed, leading his way out of the house until he found y/n grinning childishly. 

“happy birthday, man!” pulling his eyes away from his girl, he found the familiar cars driving slowly down the road. the lights on the large black cars blaring as kevin leaned out the front car, whilst adam and kim leaned out the second. with the confusion seeping into the feeling of surprise, he felt y/n leave his side before reappearing. this time, her arms held out a large cake that had clearly been homemade considering the way the lettering that spelt out ‘happy birthday, jay’ slowly got smaller towards the end.

“you did all this for me?” he asked astounded, despite y/n being the most affectionate and loving person he knew.

“of course i did,” she responded as if it was the most ridiculous questions she had ever heard. “i meant what i said jay, i love you. this is the least i could do considering all you do for me.” the heart to heart was rudely interrupted by the blaring of a car horn.

“you guys can do your thing later, just blow out the candles!” adam complained, earning a thwack over the arm by kim. “i mean, totally up to you, buddy. happy birthday!” 

jay chuckled, as he took in a deep breath and blew out the many candles that sprinkled over the sweet treat. before he ignored the cheers of his friends and kissed y/n passionately. 

“this might just be the best birthday ever.” he grinned. 

“happy birthday, baby.”

[womanoflettersinthebunker]

When Sam had first woken up, the biggest surprise was that he did, in fact, wake up. In his own bed too. 

He tried to think back to the last thing he could remember. The burning light of the Trials coursing through him. The crackling sounds that could only be his bones breaking, ribs being thrust open from the heat that was inside of him. Cranial fluid evaporating and every single last part of him on the edge of destruction.

But then… He woke up.

Except… Not really.

He was awake, that wasn’t the question. He slowly sat up and moved, looking down at his hands and arms that he distinctly remembered had been glowing with the Grace and Power of Heaven. 

There was nothing there now, just his arms. A little thinner than what was normal but still muscular, still his, still normal looking. 

Not burned, not burning, whole and complete.

In fact, his whole body felt better than it had in… In ages. Even before doing the Trials, during his time with Amelia, his body hadn’t been anywhere near perfect condition. He still went to bed in pain most nights and after starting the Trials?

Pain killers had become a staple in his routine. And even then there were times that he hadn’t been able to sleep. Wouldn’t be able to move, to get out of bed. Sometimes, even just breathing hurt. 

But now… Now, it felt… Different. Better in a way that he hadn’t felt in a long time. As if every breath he took was labored down, no longer feeling like if he breathed too deeply, he’d break. Even his heart was-

His heart was skipping a beat. 

He blinked and then frowned, bringing his hand up to touch his chest. His arm actually did feel a bit strange, now that he focused on it, a bit heavier to bring up. It took him a moment but then he focused on his heartbeat and tried to listen. 

His heart rate had always been steady, perfectly regular. Lately, it had been a bit rough, a bit strained, but it had never skipped a beat like it was doing right now. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe in deeply, snapping them open when he realized that he couldn’t. 

He was breathing, it was even and level. His chest was expanding and decompressing with each inhale and exhale, respectively. He could feel the air, could smell it with the slight hint of what could only be chicken soup.

Except… He shouldn’t be able to smell that either. His room was far away enough from the kitchen, as all the bedrooms were, that neither noises or smells would travel. 

He tried to take another deep breath.

His breathing remained even. In, out- inhale, exhale. 

He looked down at his hands again. They were steady, certain. Everything about him was steady, stable, firm. 

Too steady. Too stable. Too firm.

He threw the covers back and moved to get out of the bed, feeling like… Like there was something different. 

Something wrong. 

Swallowing hard, he looked himself over again to ensure himself that he was, in fact, himself. He brought his hands up to touch his face, pulling on his hair slightly. Standing up, he shook for a moment, legs bending slightly as he tried to walk forward.

He didn’t make it that far before his door opened. He looked up and was immediately met with a bone deep relief that made him sag slightly as his brother came over to him and wrapped his arms around him tightly. 

“Thank god, Sammy.” he whispered, one hand cupping the back of his head. “You’re okay.”

Sam hugged back instinctively, relishing the warmth from his brother, even with the slight chill that seemed to cling to him for some reason, as well as feeling as if Dean had lost weight but when he pulled back to look at him, he looked the same. 

“Dean…” Sam said slowly, realizing that something was deeply, deeply wrong. “What did you do?”

_______________________________________________________

It was a spell Dean explained over lunch, or dinner or whatever meal it was. It was hot and it was good and he could eat it without throwing up.

That is, he could eat it without throwing up because Dean was eating it without throwing up.

Sam had been dying, back at the church. He hadn’t been wrong, he had been burning from the inside out. Dean had carried him out of the church, collapsed right next to the impala, and in the end, all he could do was bring Sam to the closest hospital and hope that the doctors didn’t ask too many questions. 

But even then, there was nothing that could be done. The Trials had done their part, had anointed him and baptised him in fire, because what other way for a Winchester to be purified than with fire? As a result, his insides were burnt along with everything else that could be. The fact that he had lasted as long as he did was nothing short of a miracle. 

But they didn’t have a second miracle and Sam had been fading fast. 

So, Dean had called Kevin back at the bunker, barely able to console the kid to focus on the task at hand. Apparently, whatever had happened before with the meteor shower- the Angels falling, Dean had told him- had put the bunker on lockdown, making it impossible to get out.

But the call had managed to get through and Dean had put Kevin to work immediately, barely even taking the time to explain everything else because nothing else was important. 

Just find a way to save Sam, Dean had told him. And hurry. 

So, Kevin dove deep into the books and even the Angel Tablet, trying to find something as fast as he could, with Sam's health declining by the minute and the doctors gently urging Dean to be ready to let him go, perhaps get last rites or for him to see a grief counselor.

Dean had ignored them all, just staying beside his brother, thin hand clasped between two of his own, as he desperately waited for Kevin to call with something, anything. 

And when Dean had been serious enough to start to contemplate some other sort of supernatural method, like praying to the angels for help or, Impala forbid, a demon to work out a deal with- he did, after all, have Crowley stashed in his trunk, Kevin had called him. 

It was dangerous, it was ludicrous, it was the single most dim-witted possible thing that could be done in this kind of situation. 

It sounded exactly like the Winchester way. 

It was a bond, a soul bond and a physical bond, only to be done at the very last possible minute when there was no other way. It took two people and essentially bound one to the other in the most intimate of ways. 

Sam was dying, his body no longer able to house his soul anymore, due to the severance of the connection between the two. It was what allowed the reaper to be able to take the soul to the afterlife. 

Unless there was something to anchor the soul to Earth and give it a new connection. Bind the body to some other living thing so that it could have something else to copy and repeat until it could heal enough to properly house its own soul again. 

And there was no other living being that Dean would trust with Sam's very soul and body than himself. No one else would keep him as safe, would be as willing to do so.

So, in the end, Sam's soul was bonded to Dean's soul, the new anchor that kept him on Earth and prevented any reaper, though Dean thought that maybe he had heard Death himself whispering in his ear, from taking Sam's soul away. 

And his body was bound to Dean's body, copying the internal motions that Dean did. 

Sam tried to breathe in deeply again, and couldn’t. 

Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Sam copied him, unable to resist it. When Dean held his breath, so did Sam. When Dean chewed on the inside of his cheek, still holding his breath, Sam felt the echo of teeth against skin, prodding his own tongue at the side of his cheek as if he could feel the ghost of the indents on them. 

Dean breathed out and so did Sam; he- they- had started feeling lightheaded from not breathing. 

“So, basically, what my body does, you’re gonna copy,” Dean told him. “So I’m breathing for two, heart beating for two." He gestured to the food that was getting cold. “And technically, eating for two.”

Because Sam's body by itself couldn't digest anything. 

He took a piece of bread and dipped it into the soup, biting into it. He couldn’t taste it. He couldn’t even feel that it was in his mouth. When he tried to swallow, he couldn’t, like there was some sort of force not letting it past his throat. He gagged and coughed the bread into his hand, putting it in his napkin. 

Dean did the same, grabbed the bread and dunked it into the soup, biting into it. Sam could feel a hint of the wetness hitting his, their, chin. Could feel the taste like an aftertaste, could feel the slight warmth of the soup. He moved quickly to do the same, Dean waiting to move or swallow, and this time he could taste the bread clear as anything, could feel the soup traveling down his throat, into his stomach. 

“How the hell are we going to live like this?” Sam asked, looking up at his brother. “What else is going to happen?”

Dean looked uncomfortable, unable to look at Sam's eyes. “I don’t know.” he admitted. “But whatever it is, it's better than the alternative.”

“Is it?” Sam couldn’t help but ask. Usually, at this point, his hands would start to shake or his breathing would become ragged. This time nothing happened. “Or are you just saying that because you’re not the one that’s hooked up to your brother like a makeshift puppet?”

“You can still move around and do whatever you want Sam," Dean told him. “I’m just gonna be the one that keeps your body alive and functioning.”

“And what if I wanted to die?” Sam prodded, stopping when he felt his- their- hearts beating faster. His hand came up to touch his chest again, feeling the irregular beat. “Is that you?”

Dean grimaced, hand swiping over his mouth as he looked away. “Yeah.” he muttered. “It's me.”

Sam kept his hand on his chest, feeling the heartbeat slowly start to normalize, but still with that same skipped beat. “Why is your heart skipping like this?”

“Been like that for years.” Dean said with a shrug. “Way before Hell even, can’t remember why but I’m used to it.”

“Should get it checked out.” he muttered, looking over at the food again. Their stomachs growled and Dean immediately picked his spoon up, slowly eating the soup, pausing to let Sam do the same and copy his movements. 

They ate in silence, simultaneously in every motion. It was maddening to Sam, he kept expecting his fingers to start twitching, tapping against the table or the side of his chair like he liked to do, but they laid there flat on the table instead, curled around the spoon unmovingly. 

Where did this end? He could move around, like he had gotten out of bed before, and he could stop eating despite Dean continuing. 

He tried to do so, stopped eating despite his brother doing so, Dean raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t say anything, swallowing his mouthful. 

He could still feel the echo of the warmth of the soup, thick and filling, slide down his throat and into his stomach. Only he could also feel the slight pain of not actually having anything there, his body was digesting food that wasn’t really there. 

He picked up his spoon again and started to eat, copying his brother.

Once they were done Sam pushed the bowl away from him, Dean didn’t, all he did was lean back. But it was something they didn’t do in unison, that meant that he could in fact move without Dean dictating him how to.

Except that...he could feel the back of the chair that Dean was sitting in, while his own back was away from the seat. His spine curved as if he was accommodating the chair and he scowled, looking up at his brother. 

“Show me the spell.” he demanded. 

___________________________________________________

It hadn’t been a lie, it was the single most brainless thing he had ever seen and he had a feeling he’d never see something as stupidly foolish at this. 

It made him wish that Bobby was still around to just...smack them on the head sometimes. At least then they’d admit that what they were doing was pure, plain, Winchester stupidity. 

He sat down to start reading the half notes and translations from the papers Kevin had left. It was a mess of writings and scribblings, most of which he couldn’t really make out. 

He settled in for a long night and pulled a fresh piece of paper to him, snagging a pen as well as he got to work.

He was starting to get light headed, enough that his vision was starting to dim. 

He rubbed at his eyes and tried to focus on the rest of the translation, sounding out the words inside of his head to try to figure them out despite how they were starting to swim across the pages. 

He stopped and put the papers down, rubbing at his eyes once more and squinting at the words. A heat curled around his cheeks and his limbs started to feel heavy, heavier, than before as if he was-

Sam's eyes widened and he quickly got up, pushing the chair back with the force of his sudden movement. He moved as fast as he could, wanting to see if his hypothesis was true. 

He skidded slightly, bringing his arms up to block himself as he almost ran into the wall, feet stumbling as he tried to remain upright before he finally found his brother, sitting on the kitchen floor with at least three, that he could see, empty bottles of beer around him and a fourth in his hand. 

Dean jumped slightly and whirled around to face him, standing up a bit unstably. Sam closed his eyes as he felt the world spin around him for a moment and then reopened them to glare at his brother. 

“I’m getting drunk.” he accused him, watching the surprise and then slight guilt flash over Dean's face. His words were slurred slightly, he couldn’t remember the last time he had actually been drunk. “And I’m trying to do work.”

“So what, I can’t drink now that we’re like this?” Dean complained, despite quickly going to the cabinet and pulling out a loaf of bread. He ripped pieces off and started to eat them, Sam's mouth filled with saliva and his throat constricted as if he was swallowing them. Dean went to him and gave him a slice, letting the both of them eat in time. “Next thing you’ll tell me is no more sex.”

“And how exactly do you think sex is going to work like this?” Sam demanded, trying to swallow and gagging, waiting for Dean to swallow so he could do it. “It was bad enough that I had to listen when I was a teenager, I’m not going to be feeling it like a ghost.”

“Oh it wasn’t that bad when you were a teen.” Dean waved his concerns away. “I always made sure you were asleep.”

Sam just threw him a dry look. “And yet I still get half a boner whenever I hear the words, ‘Don’t worry, he’s asleep,’” he mimicked, throwing the rest of the bread in his hand at Deans head. 

Dean rolled his eyes but tossed his remainder onto the counter. “Fine, you sobering up there Mother Theresa?”

Sam wondered for a moment if he punched Dean, would he feel it too and was weighing the cons and pros regarding both. 

“I’ve been reading more about the spell.” he said instead. “And I’m gonna be honest Dean, we’re lucky it worked at all. You had two of the five ingredients, you used an EKG instead of a neurotransmitter, and even one of those ingredients expired last year.” he shook his head. “This never should’ve worked.”

“Ah but it did.” Dean said wagging his finger and slowly collecting the empty beer bottles, throwing them over his shoulder and straight into the trash can. “And your welcome.”

Sam just stared at him. “We didn’t finish talking about that,” he told him. “About me being okay with it.”

Their hearts started to beat faster once more, it seemed to be a natural reaction for Dean at this point when bringing something like this up. 

“No, we’re done.” Dean told him. “Because you agreed to stop the Trials and I saved your life so that means, we’re done talking about it.”

“No we’re not.” Sam said, turning so that he could watch Dean. Their palms were starting to sweat and twitch. “Dean.”

“I don’t give a damn Sam. I meant what I said in that church.” Dean said, not looking at him. “I don’t give a single damn if it means all the Hells gates are cracked open, I don’t care if everyone in the world is possessed right now. I don’t care. Because if it means having you dead?” he could feel the tremor pass through Deans body, slight but there, no external hint of it. “Then I’d let it all burn.”

Without waiting for Sam to say anything else to that, what could he even possibly say, Dean left the room, leaving Sam behind with a heart that was beating too fast in their chest and the taste of bread in their mouth.

_________________________________________________________

They managed, somehow and barely. Sam kept trying to figure out the rest of the spell and all that it entailed while Dean kept the both of them alive. Three times a day they ate together, they didn’t have any other choice really since it had to be in time, and on the second day Sam had put his foot down and demanded that Dean add vegetables as well to their meals.

He could only stomach, figuratively, so much meat and soups, even those had meat in them of some kind; at times more like a mild chilli than soup. 

Dean quit drinking completely for the time being, complaining about it all the while but Sam also felt how their upper right abdomen was starting to feel a bit better and not so pinched all the time. 

It was those little bits and pieces of them that he had to get used to and to be honest, Sam missed his own small parts. He missed having his own heartbeat, being in control of his own breathing. Even when he tried to do yoga or some sort of exercise he couldn’t actually feel as if he was doing anything and nothing ached pleasantly like it was supposed to after doing so. 

But he felt it when Dean pulled a Charley horse in the middle of the night, his lower leg locked in pain as he desperately tried to massage it out to no avail until Dean managed to relax and do something about it. 

He didn’t miss feeling so cold all the time though, that was something that constantly lingered, especially after his memories from Hell came back full throttle, so there were some benefits to this he supposed. Not to mention the scratchy and almost painful feeling in his throat whenever he spoke too loudly or raised his voice.

He did miss, however, being able to use the bathroom on his own time. That was a conversation that neither of them were willing to have or even entertain. 

“How long are we going to be like this?” Sam asked the night that Dean got a migraine that he refused to do anything about. He flinched back and turned the rest of the lights on, letting the light from their computer screens show the way in the room instead. “And for the love of god take something already.”

“We’re gonna be like this until your body heals or we find a spell to heal your body.” Dean told him, grumbling and internally flinching as he got up and went to the first aid kit they kept in every room. He dry swallowed two painkillers, Sam's tongue curled at the chalky taste they left behind. “Until then just deal.”

They started to leave the bunker a bit more, get back into the world. It was nice to walk around and feel the sun, or rather have Dean feel the sun in the leather jacket he refused to take off and thereby making the both of them sweat, and just breathe in the fresh air.

He noted that whenever Dean breathed in a bit too deep there almost seemed to be some sort of pain in their left side and he made a mental note to check on that once things were back to normal. 

There were a lot of things he had to check on his brother once they were back to the way they were, too many small medical issues that couldn’t and shouldn’t be ignored like the way that he’s been doing. 

Or maybe he should bring it up while they were connected like this, guilt trip him into actually doing something about it if it meant that it was causing him pain. 

In an attempt to get back into the swing of things, Dean found them a run of the mill hunt, textbook case of a ghost lingering in their old house refusing to move on. They donned their suits and went to work. When it was time for lunch Sam went to the register himself and ordered two extra large salads, adding as many free addons as possible and keeping it to a simple olive oil and lemon dressing. 

The look on Dean's face was downright murderous when Sam brought it to him, complete with a whey protein smoothie. He just smirked at him and sat down, waiting for Dean to take the first bite. 

“Already paid for.” he said when Dean glanced at the register. “And they don’t take back food.”

Dean's upper lip curled in disgust as he picked up his fork and stabbed the lettuce, Sam forked some as well, watching as Dean slowly brought it up to his mouth. Smiling Sam ate along with Dean, feeling the anger and the hatred in each bite as Dean masticated every bite furiously until the salad was gone and the smoothie was drunk. 

And later on when their stomachs were cramping in pain Dean smirked right back at him. 

“Your stomach is so messed up that a little bit of salad did this?” Sam demanded, resisting the urge to throw something at him, he still had no idea if it would do something to him as well. “I’m putting you on a cleanse.”

“My liver is cleanse enough, now let's burn this sucker.” Dean said, tossing the salt canister to him. 

<center> ----------------------- </center>

It turned out that it wasn’t just a ghost haunting its old house. It was two ghosts in one, twins that refused to move on. Twins that no one had realized were there, with their bodies hidden in the floorboards, their bones so intertwined with one another's that Sam couldn’t tell where one sibling started and the other ended. 

They were both used to being thrown around by ghosts, used to the bone chilling cold that seeped into them when the ghosts would try to grab them, they had iron in their jacket for that exact reason, to grab it and use against the ghosts. 

Sam had been trying to figure out this part of them for a while now, had tried to see if it actually meant something between this bond of theirs. He just wasn’t willing to hurt Dean to find out if it was the truth. 

So when the ghost had grabbed Dean and threw him against the rotting wooden staircase, breaking the banister as Sam had been trying to break open the floorboards to get to the bodies, Sam was the one that shouted in sudden pain as he fell to his side, feeling the broken pieces of the staircase digging into his side as the whole back of his body erupted in pain. 

Gritting his teeth he forced himself up, standing on shaking legs. He could feel their teeth tightly clenched together and the way their legs shook unsteadily. He looked at his brother, already feeling the bruise that was going to bother them for the next few days at least. 

“Sam! Finish it!” Dean shouted at him, grabbing the shotgun and shooting at one of the twins that materialized in front of him. “Now!”

Sam turned back to his task at hand, reaching out and pulling the rest of the boards away to give him enough room to work. He grabbed at the salt and gas, pouring both in liberally as he reached into his pocket to grab his lighter. 

Before blood shot out of his mouth and he fell to his knees, sharp and overwhelming pain in his side. 

He didn’t bother to look down at himself, he turned as best as he could to look at his brother. 

Who had a steel beam in his lower side, the shotgun thrown to the ground, with one of the ghosts holding him down onto the ground as the other raised another beam. 

Sam acted on instinct, grabbing the lighter and flicking it open and lit with his wrist before throwing it into the bones, watching with intense satisfaction as the ghost lit up in flames, screaming as the beam fell helplessly to the ground and Dean was let go.

His vision was blackening over and he tried to fight it, stumbling as he slowly stood up. His hand went to his side, pressing against the open wound there. He could feel their stomach lurch and contract, almost throwing up from the pain. His eyes clouded over slightly as he finally reached his brother, reaching out to hold his hand out to him to help him stand up.

When Dean stood up it must’ve agitated the wound because a fresh wave of pain went over him and he, they, couldn’t breathe for a moment. He could feel Dean grit his teeth in an echo and could practically feel his brother pushing back against the darkness that threatened to consume them. 

Sam pulled his jacket off and bundled it up, pressing it against the wound on Dean's side, he could feel the same sensation on his own side and pressed harder. He wrapped an arm around Deans shoulder to help guide him out of the house and back to the impala. “C’mon, let's just get to the motel.” he mumbled. 

<center> ----------------------- </center>

It was a hassle and a half to not only get to the impala, but get out and into the room with the both of them remaining conscious. Each movement reminded the both of them how badly wounded they were, as well as every dip and pothole they felt on the road was another sharp blast of pain. 

“We can’t do this again.” Sam managed to get out, gripping the steering wheel tightly as Dean took care not to bleed on the seats. “We can’t hunt anymore while we’re like this. It's too risky.”

“Could figure it out, or you could move fast enough so that the ghost doesn’t get one over on me.” Dean gritted out, shifting the jacket, he was going to have to throw it out at this point, to a drier area to press against him. “Sure were taking your time there Sammy.”

“Bite me.” Sam quipped at him, not even in the slightest mood to deal with this. He parked haphazardly and got out of the car, vision swimming once more as he tried to move his legs fast enough to get to his brother's side. 

Dean was telling him something but by the tone of his voice Sam could already tell that he was complaining about nothing important, it also meant that he was going to be okay as well as the fact that the pain was already fading to the back of their mind at this point. They carried one another to the motel room and Sam carefully placed him on the bed closest to the door before grabbing the first aid kit from their bag.

“What? No antiseptic? No pain killer?” Dean asked, nodding meaningfully at the bottle of whiskey in the bag right next to the first aid kit. 

“I’m already dealing with blood loss and an extra pocket in my side.” Sam told him as he threaded the needle and grabbed the lighter, watching the metal heat up. “You want to add alcohol to that?”

“We’ve done it worse.” Dean reminded him. “We’ve done it in a lot worse conditions.”

“Doesn’t make it any better, now shut up.” Sam said as he knelt down and took a deep breath. He paused for a moment, grabbing a roll of gauze and shoving it between his teeth, he could see a long piece of something, wooden or silver or made of jello he wasn’t sure, but it was in there and had to be removed. He didn’t let himself think, just reached in and yanked it out, the both of them locking up at the pain. 

Forcing himself to stay focused, he started to sow up the mess, it was thick and deep enough to cause severe blood loss but thin enough that he could use regular stitches to cover it up. It laid over Deans side down to his inner thigh, ripping his jeans. 

“What the hell, she couldn’t buy you dinner first?” Sam couldn’t help but mutter as he stood up and tugged. “You gotta get these off.”

Dean raised an eyebrow at him, smirking suggestively. “Aww Sammy, you know I’d always put out for you.”

If it didn’t mean hurting himself further, and now they had proof that it did, Sam would’ve hit him. 

“Unless you want to do it yourself, get your pants off.” he said unamused. “Or I’m going to go take a shower and go to bed.”

Dean rolled his eyes, grumbling as he shifted enough on the bed so that he didn’t have to stand up to shove his jeans down. “Fine, fine. Have at it.”

Sam shook his head as he knelt down once more, rummaging through the first aid kit to grab the alcohol pads and bandages. He squinted at the wound once more before shaking his head, he didn’t need stitches after all, it was just a lot of blood but not deep at all around his thigh. 

“This is gonna sting.” Sam warned him as he cleaned the wound, uncaring of how he had to turn his wrist to do so. He could feel the sting in his own thigh, feeling where the wound was deepest. He moved his hand slightly closer to the inside of Deans thigh, knowing that there was another part-

He could feel blood slowly pulsating between his legs. 

Sam paused for a moment, freezing really, before restarting, keeping one hand pressed to the wound as he rummaged for bandages. He could feel the heat coursing from Deans thigh, and he could feel how the blood was steadily making its way downward. 

There was no way to ignore it, all he could do was just not mention it and focus on patching his brother up. 

His hands were shaking, he noted, staring at the slightly quivering fingers. He pressed the bandages and gauze to the wound, carefully wrapping it.

He quickly did the rest of Dean's side, it was a bit challenging because both his hands and body were shaking now, a miniscule hint of the tremors, and then hesitated, not wrapped his hand around the inside of Dean's thigh once more. 

“Sammy?” He could hear his brother say slowly. “What’re you doing?”

This could just be a physical reaction, Dean was a sexual creature and he hadn’t really been with anyone in ages. With helping him deal with the Trials and now taking Sam's request rather seriously, he was pent up. And judging by the way he could feel his own cock twitch he knew that Dean hadn’t been taking care of himself alone either. 

Except...his hand was still moving. 

And he’s not going to lie.

It's been a while for him too.

He was shaking, a corner of his mind told him, he was shaking and his heart was beating faster, almost as if it was about to leap out of his chest. 

His hand moved until he could slide it  past his boxers, stopping just above his pelvis region. He could feel all those sensations, could feel the sensation of skin on skin, the heat of someone elses touch. 

He just wished that he could feel it himself too.

He looked up, Dean was staring down at him with wide, blown eyes, lips parted slightly. Hunger gripped him so tight that he could barely breathe and he moved his hand down further, finally gripping Deans cock. 

He wasn’t sure who moaned first, him or Dean, but the sensation felt amazing, deep warmth spreading through his lower back and tailbone. He reached out and tugged Deans boxers off completely, his own lips parted at the sight of his brother's cock, hand moving slowly over the heated flesh. 

He couldn’t really feel it in his hand, but it felt like there was a hand around his own cock. He paused his movements long enough to pull his own jeans and boxers down, stroking Dean; and feeling like he was doing it through layers and layers of clothes, when Dean reached down and wrapped his own hand around Sam's cock, looking up at him questioningly. 

Sam shook his head, he could feel it in his hand, could properly feel like there was a cock in his hand, but the only part he felt was when he moved his hand over Dean's cock and not when Dean moved his hand. 

Didn’t matter, apparently this bond made him bleed when Dean did, he was sure that he would come when Dean did as well.

He moved to sit on Dean's lap, getting a bit more comfortable for the both of them, hands moving together, he could tell from Dean's arm movement, and when he felt the crushing sensation of pure something coursing through him, he looked up to see Dean staring at him so adoringly.

Sam couldn’t help it, he leaned in and kissed him. It felt like he was kissing him through a pillow, and could feel something on his lips that he realistically knew was his own, but it didn’t matter.

Nothing else mattered, just this.

He could feel Dean getting close, could feel the way his legs were starting to shake, as his orgasm neared. Their whole body tensed for a single moment and then with a mutual one groan the pleasure spiked, spreading through them like thick molasses as they tried to ride it out, hands still moving. 

He had enough of a mind to not fall onto his brother, turning so that he could fall onto his side on the bed instead, wiping his hand on the sheets before doing the same to the rest of him. He curled in closer to his brothers side, listening to their breathing even out together.

“You ever thought about doing this? Before I mean?” Dean asked him, voice already sounding like he was seconds away from falling asleep.

Sam curled in closer to him, enjoying how the warmth and feel spread through him, he was a tactile creature too. Thinking for a moment he finally truthfully said, “No, not really. Not until now.”

“Not until now?” Dean sounded slightly more awake. 

Sam shook his head, despite knowing that Dean wouldn’t see him in the dark. “Never really thought about...us like that.” he said. “But I am now and...I’m okay with it.”

He closed his eyes and laid back down, frowning when he couldn’t feel Dean doing the same. “Dean?” he called, opening his eyes. “You okay?”

It took Dean a moment to reply. “Yeah.” he said hollowly. He slowly laid back down on the bed, turning onto his side so that his back was to Sam. “Fine.”

Their heart was beating erratically, worse than five minutes ago when they were both jerking each other off. Their chest felt tight, almost like they couldn’t get enough air in. His stomach was twisted and the urge to throw up was unmistakable. 

“Dean?” His voice was quiet, soft. He reached out to touch his brothers back, feeling just how hard he flinched when he pulled away. 

“Don’t.” Dean said. “Just...sleep. Go to sleep.”

“I can’t if you can’t.” he wanted to say. But whatever it was, Dean needed this out, needed this much privacy. 

It was the least he could do. 

So, he turned onto his own side, facing away from Dean, and closed his eyes. 

Neither of them slept that night.

<center> ----------------------- </center>

Driving back to the bunker was a quiet affair. Sam had offered to look at his brother's bandages but Dean just silently went to the bathroom and took care of it himself, he could feel the bandages pull at his skin and the slight sting as Dean cleaned it out and rebandaged. 

Neither of them spoke after that, grabbing a quick breakfast at the closest diner, Dean didn’t eat so therefore Sam couldn’t either, and got back to the road. Not even the radio was playing. Sam glanced down at his hands on his lap, the knuckles were completely white and throbbing slightly, he looked at Dean's hands; they were curled as tight as possible around the steering wheel.

Each time their heart beat in his chest it hurt, each breath they took hurt, everything was hurting and none of it made sense. 

“Dean?” he said, his voice low. Their heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Dean said curtly, staring straight ahead on the road. “We just gotta home and get rid of this bond already.”

Sam glanced down at his body, patting along his chest. “You really think my bodys healed enough?”

“No, we’re going to work nonstop until we find the healing spell and then we’re unbinding.” Dean told him. “This can’t go on.”

Sam turned so that he could look at him properly, forehead furrowing. “Dean, what’s going on?” he asked once more. “Talk to me.”

“What the hell do you think is going on?” Dean exploded at him. “I’m talking about what happened last night!”

Oh. That. Sam thought back to last night, the technical mutual handjobs, the slamming force of their orgasm, the literal bone deep relief that he felt spreading inside of Dean, the way it made their heart flutter slightly. 

And then, minutes later, the way Dean had withdrew from him, turning away from him completely. 

“I mean...it was kinda awkward, my dick can’t really work unless yours is in the game.” Sam said, glancing down at his lap. “But cause you came, I did too.”

“What the hell are you-that’s not what I’m talking about Sam!” Dean exclaimed, hitting the dashboard with a balled up fist. He jerked the car to the side of the road and parked them there, whirling in his seat to look at him. “I’m talking about the fact that you didn’t want to do it!”

Sam just stared at his brother for a moment. “Dean, I’m the one that made the first move.” he reminded him. “I touched you.”

“Because I wanted you to.” Dean said bitterly. “Because I wanted you to touch me and do that, it was all me and you just…” he shook his head, deflating in his seat. “Sam, I’ve wanted that for a very long time.” he finally admitted in a small voice. “And yeah I get it, it's sick, and it's wrong. I know. Just...and last night...I should’ve stopped you. I should’ve done the right thing.”

“Dean, I’m still the one that did it first.” Sam repeated, feeling as if he was about to throw up when a thought occurred to him. “You said you’ve wanted it for a long time. How long?”

Dean looked pained at the question. “Sam,:

“How long Dean?”

He could feel Dean swallow. “I don’t know.” he whispered. “For as long as I can remember.” he closed his eyes and Sam could feel something curl in his stomach, shame and guilt. “But it's like you said Sammy, you didn’t want it until last night.” he gave a humorless laugh, devoid of any sort of emotion. “So that means that it's all me, I’m the one making you feel like this. I’m the one that’s-”

Whatever else Dean was going to say, all the self hatred that Sam could feel coursing through him, he had enough. He leaned over the rest of the way and kissed him to shut him up. It felt the same as last night, like he was being touched through something else; like a blanket covering or even through cellophane. Either way he pressed closer, arms coming up to wrap around his brother as they kissed. 

Their heart was beating rapidly to the point of pain and for a moment, Dean relaxed into the kiss before he wretched himself away, eyes wide. Sam watched him, feeling the way that he could barely breathe. 

��What the hell...why’d you…” Dean tried to talk, tried to get out. 

“You definitely didn’t want me to kiss you then, but I wanted to.” Sam said simply, rubbing the back of his neck. “Dean, when I said that I never thought about this,” he gestured between them. “Before last night...it didn’t mean that you were influencing me or whatever the hell you think it is.” he reached out to take Dean's hand, sliding his fingers over it, feeling the echoing of the sensation on his own hand. “What I meant was...I never thought about it, because it made too much sense.”

He watched how his fingers curled around Deans, they settled there like a lock and key. “I never thought about this, because I never thought I’d have to. Because you’re always there and with me and just...it became a lot more evident. It just became another step that I didn’t realize that I wanted to take. I mean,” he laughed softly. “The way we live, the way we’ve always lived, together. In each other's pockets. Never really liking anyone else that was in our lives no matter who they were. It's all there man, it's all you and me. Together.``

“Sam,” Dean whispered, clutching at his brother's hand. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, this isn’t you, it's me.”

“If you really think that, then let's get back to the bunker and get rid of this bond.” Sam said simply. “Get rid of it right now, healing spell be damned.”

Dean had been shaking his head before Sam had even finished. “No, you’re not strong enough to be on your own yet.”

“So our option is either get rid of the bond so I can prove to you that this is my choice.” Sam told him. “Or you can just believe me.”

“I can’t Sammy.” he whispered. “I just...I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

“You’re not.” Sam informed him firmly. “So what are you going to do? Not touch me at all? We’re connected Dean, I can feel you.” he placed his hand over his heart, feeling just how it was beating erratically. “This is killing you.”

Dean closed his eyes, shaking his head and letting them snap open when Sam leaned in to kiss him again, pulling away. “Sam stop.”

“No.” Sam told him, trying to lean in again. “You still don’t want me to kiss you right now, it's making your stomach turn because of everything, but I want to kiss you.”

Dean wretched free and grabbed at Sam, gripping his wrists firmly and pushing him back into the passenger seat. “Stop.” he instructed. 

Sam glowered at him but stayed in his seat. “I want this.” he repeated, settling back and nodding at the road ahead of them. “So we’re going to get back and we’re getting rid of this bond so I can actually show you how much I want this because dude,” he glanced meaningfully at Dean's lap. “Your refractory time is horrible.”

Dean just stared at Sam in horror and slightly affronted. “My refractory time is perfect,” he protested.

Sam snorted. “Yeah sure, when we get rid of this bond, I’ll show you a real refractory period.”

Dean stared at him and started the car again, guiding them back onto the road. “You don’t know what you’re asking.” he told him. 

“Guess we’ll find out when we get back.”

<center> ----------------------- </center>

Turns out, he was right in the middle of being healed enough and not healed enough. His body was strong enough to house his soul again but he was also in no shape whatsoever to be moving around or doing anything. The pain came fast and hard, and the loss of actually being bonded to his brother made him almost feel like a limb was missing. 

Mostly, he slept. He slept in his bed, waking up to stumble to the bathroom, on his own time thank you very much, and back to bed. Somewhere it between Dean would either feed him or have an iv pressed into his arm. 

It took at least a week and a half of that before Sam felt strong enough to walk to the kitchen, he had to immediately sit in the chair but it was something. He watched his brother pitter patter around the kitchen, making food and coffee and whatever else he could, avoiding both Sam and the topic on both of their minds.

“Dean,” Sam said, watching his brother tense up. He was flinching on the inside, he recognized it now. Slowly Dean looked up at him and without saying a word, Sam lifted the book off of the table and let it fall to the ground. “Mind getting that for me?”

He could hear Dean let out a frustrated breath but his brother complied, walking over and bending down to pick up the book. While he was still kneeling Sam reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, on instinct Dean looked up at him. 

And Sam leaned in to kiss him once more. 

It felt better, a thousand times better than the last one. This one he could actually feel, could feel how soft they were, how chapped they were. Could taste his brother, something he didn’t even realize he knew how to explain, clear as anything. His brother's skin was warm under his hand and everything was alright and alive in sensations. 

When he couldn’t breathe anymore Sam pulled away, just staring down at Dean who looked back up at him stunned. 

“Still want to kiss you,” he said simply. “Believe me now?”

He could see Dean chewing on his lip as he slowly stood up, not looking away. “You sure?” he whispered. 

Sam nodded, tilting his head to look at him. “It's all me now.” he told him. “And I still want to.”

A mixture of emotions rapidly flashed over Dean's face, too fast for him to even be able to read them, but it didn’t matter. Because Dean leaned down and kissed him, kissed him desperately, furiously, gripping at him tightly and yet gentle enough that he didn’t hurt him. 

It felt like finally coming home.

[sharknadoslutt]

Please 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻 Need

Twilight is the reason I'm on tumblr writing fanfiction again and I'm very thankful for that. I would say that is my secondary hyper fixation to SWs at this time. Right before I started coming back on tumblr regularly, this blog had actually existed as a TCWs blog. But I was off tumblr for the better part of 2 years. But then the ✨Twilight Renaissance✨ happened and pulled me out of a really deep deep deep depression. Like I felt nothing for a while but then I got into Twilight groups and we would make fun of how stupid this franchise was lol it was nice to be a part of a fandom again, especially bcs I've always been apart of SOMETHING since as long as I could go online. Niche fandom communities are like family I swear. Especially during the lockdown.. anyways

Well I had surgery a few months back and my Husband bought me Midnight Sun (The first book but told through Edward's point of view) and I loved it. Is it good? Debatable. But did I love it? Omg. Yes. Edward is so dramatic and its iconic

So after I read Midnight Sun, I re-read the 4 Twilight books... then I re-watched the movies like 6 times.. then, I had nothing else to do other than read some fanfiction... and BOY OH BOY I LOVE 1 TWILIGHT FANFICTION SERIES!

I've been reading it for MONTHS. It's like 60+ chapters and ongoing. I def can tell the writers passion for the story is dying slowly, which is valid and we've all been there, but the slow burn is... GOD. And even now, despite being slow to update, it's going in a really original cool direction. It starts before Twilight and is now is past the events of Breaking Dawn!!!

One Step at a Time by Elykrai on A03 (x)

If you like Twilight and if the three kings (Marcus, Aro and Caius) are your problematic favs... then look no further! So like... It's an OC fic, which isn't everyone's cup of tea. But like. Idk I'm obsessed. the way the writer wove the character into the universe felt so perfect. like, honestly, it doesn't obstruct much canon at all and everyone is so in character!!!!!

It's like a soul mate poly AU between the three kinds and Blake Swan, Bella's older sister. She's the older sister and a disabled vet, a marine. She's coping with PTSD and is living with Charlie when Bella comes to live with them. And like Blake is more like Charlie than Renee and I LOVE her. LIke 100% Blake is canon to me. And she has this like.. connection to the kinds, because of their destined soul mate bond???

I'm not describing it well or giving it enough credit - But if yall want a good Twilight slowburn fic, give it a go!

My only complaints are there are a few times where Blake's identity is too intangled with her military career. Which is fine. It can just ramble at times, but its easily overlooked. And the lack of smut. I usually CANNOt get into fics that do not have full on smut. but this did it for me, folks.

If you read it please tell me what you think and Elykrai, if you are out there sis, I love your work and I hope you are doing well!

This story like got me back into reading fanfiction then The Bad Batch came on and I become obsessed with the Boyz. so. Yall can thank Twilight and Elykrai if yall enjoy my content, bcs I wouldnt be here without it lol

send me a 🌻 and ill just tell you whatever the fuck i want

[dimples-of-discontent]

Bex, Im just so fucking sad. I liked NOTHING about that ending and idk what to do with myself now.

I hear you, friend, and the main reaction I had to reading about this hot garbage fire of a finale (b/c I didn’t have an easy way to watch it...and now I plan to wait until my emotional investment is lower) was concern and love for all the people who are going to be so let down by this. It’s not me, because at the moment I have more emotional distance from SPN than in the past. But I’ve been there. The show and this ship was there for me when I needed it the most and I cannot imagine what today’s episode would have done to me back in 2017/8 when this community is what kept me feeling ok with my life and connected to other humans. I hope anyone in that position will take a minute to remember the things that are good about the fandom, and about the show in the past, and remember that endings aren’t everything. I know it sounds so trite, but it really IS about the friends we made along the way.

So, I’m ok and ready to crack jokes as a coping mechanism. But that’s because I’m very used to getting bad news. And if you’re not, this ending would really knock you back. Like, it seemed almost aggressively insensitive to what the show and especially the DeanCas relationship mean to people in the fandom. I was prepared, mentally, for it to be open-ended. For example, way back when I even spec-ed that Dean would die and and Cas would meet him in Heaven, smiling and saying one final “hello, Dean.” Or even that they’d just amble off to ambiguously spend Dean’s life together on earth. To not offer that--and to so explicitly not offering it after going where 15x18 went--shows either how out-of-touch they are or how deliberately cruel they are. I’m hoping to go with the first option.

Let me back up a sec. When I tell you I’m very used to getting bad news, believe it. In January 2019 I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. That’s the latest stage and my best case scenario is constantly living in treatment (no “getting through it”)  that keeps cancer from killing me. That sounds dramatic and it is. My life expectancy (at 34) went to an average of 1.5-3 years. I have a tag for it and a sideblog about it if you want to follow, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve been through the wringer with this (currently in treatment 4 in 20 months, none so far have worked for long) and the way I prepared myself  for tonight’s finale was exactly like when I wait for the scan results that tell me if the cancer is better or worse. Like, even now that’s how fucking serious it felt to me. And yes, I can and do put it in perspective by thinking “hey! it’s a tv show! and I get all the good fandom things no matter what!” but don’t for a second feel bad for taking it seriously, ok?

So to answer a little the question of what  to do with yourself: feel sad. Or feel angry or feel like getting high (and go for it!) or play the cowboy scene in 13x06 on repeat...whatever lets you feel your feelings. Don’t tell yourself your feelings are “wrong” or let other assholes on here make you feel bad for having them. (And seriously? People on here? Just be fucking kind, ok?) Also don’t set a limit on how long you can feel sad. It takes as long as it takes. None of us have a lot to make us feel better right now, with this terrible year and heading into lockdown again, and this show used to. Now it’s been taken from you. It’s a loss, and you should grieve that loss.

Also, figure out what is making you feel worse and stop doing it. If that’s Tumblr, take a break for a while! If it’s particular blogs, mute them or unfollow but make a note to follow later. If it’s all of SPN, symbolically remove it from your life or (and I do this a lot!) find a new temporary hyperfixation. (Have you watched “Buffy” yet? Watch “Buffy.”) You don’t owe attention to negative things in your life. It makes them stronger. Ignore trolls and use the block button at will.

I’m not leaving and I hope other people will consider not leaving too. The show gave us a LOT, even if very little of it was in these last episodes. 

And, in the meantime, dear Nonnie, may I recommend diving into my archive through tags and getting heavily, heavily into Cockles because honestly they will never let you down and they are all sweetness and light. There’s a reason that I have a tag for “cockles is a happy destiel au.”

Take care, Nonnie, and so should the rest of you. Feel your feelings, disengage if necessary, but know that I at least will be here when I can. Our community has way more life left in it.

Love,

Bex