#back to thesis stuff ill go >w<< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[moonasketch]

You have an unbelievable artstyle. It's some sort of unique blend that reminds me of the shapes of Mary Blair and the colors of Morton Schamberg. I think people will be studying your art for centuries; love seeing when you post stuff

what aa you're too kind, thank you so much! T_T <3 Morton Schamberg is a new name to me but Mary Blair (alongside Tove Jansson) has been one of my biggest art heroes since I was a kid so this means a lot to me T_T <3

thank you sm again, I hope you're having a lovely end of 2024!! C:

[heapstone]

too many things to do my head is spinning 😵‍💫

[vzyee]

yday.

up at 4am nightmare abt my sisters highschool which is under national fire for gender neutral bathrooms rn and is targeted by protestors (in real life). in the dream the main entrance was just insanely treacherous, like in the style of mayan temple steps. managed to get back to sleep w/o drugs but woke up AGAIN like half an hour later in pretty much a hypomanic state and luckily had already kinda anticipated this and kept myself in bed reading about yayoi kusama and then more general japanese art history. then i read some unsex me here and started drafting my review and tried to nap in my hammock but couldnt came back inside at 12:40pm mentally believing it was like, 5pm. forced myself to eat lunch and drink green tea and put on the favourite and stopped 13 minutes in to take a nap slept until 4:30 waking up once per hour. then i was like fuck ok is it edible time. but i genuinely was like Clarity and Centeredness is its own reward and just as valuable as the Pleasure of the High and all this stuff so i was like ok ill try to work until 6:30 on whatever. thesis grind. idk. a little more of the favourite. constantly thinking this is better than being stoned. but then it was 6:30 and i was like okay ive been up for a long time normally id be going to bed rn but i gotta stay up late and reset my schedule. 5mg. immediately rmm i had to proofread an interview abt a poet in recovery from substance use disorder. he was like Clarity and Centeredness. gives u more resilience & you dont need to fragment yourself to access your art thats not how it works etc. i was like :| then i was high for 5 hours watching magdalena bay videos and judging them like crazy but loving the music actually. finished the favourite soo good btw. decided to take another 5mg to sleep, how tf else am i going to sleep, i am going to sleep all the way thru the night if it kills me. managed the irrational guilt of that. fell asleep. woke up sometime before 4am. couldnt get back down. took an ativan i was like If it kills me. still couldnt sleep. anxious about every single thing. more in a self-critical way though i was just like. oh my friends my classes my thesis omg. had a major breakthrough abt the thesis something jc has been trying to get me to see this entire time that i couldnt see but now i do but i only just had my Last major breakthrough 2 days ago and only got through like 10% of the edits that one deserved u gotta give these things time to breathe no time full story draft due in 3 days. took another ativan. dreamed i was tripping absolute balls unable to stand, in my childhood bedroom, some kind of ending falling around me. (for psych, racing thoughts, racing heart rate. couldnt visualize my thoughts like i normally can. what helped was me trying to write a line in that state which was the line that led to me understanding julie which will be a separate post). Woke up this morning 10:30 abt to take meds againn

[fencesandfrogs]

hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh  90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want  to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

[frywen-bumbles]

The Way to a Man’s Heart Goes Through His... Cat? Ch4

AO3

"Why do you seem so gloomy, I thought your thesis was going well?" Essi asks him.

"It's about cat daddy, isn't it?" Pricilla asks and drowns her second glass of wine.

"No! No, of course not. Roach got the zoomies at four am and I couldn't fall asleep afterwards." Jaskier lies. Well, technically it isn't a lie. Roach did, in fact, get zoomies in the middle of the night but his gloominess has nothing to do with being tired.

"Trouble in paradise then?" Pricilla winks at him.

"There is no paradise!" Jaskier cries out and throws his hands in the air in frustration. Friends, he laments. Can't live with them and can't live without them.

"So it is about cat daddy," Essi concludes and pats his hand. "I'm sorry for teasing you. Please tell us what is it?"

"I... I don't know?" It's definitely the alcohol talking, Jaskier decides as he sinks further into the couch he has spent countless of nights sleeping in. No way he would talk about his stupid crush sober. "I keep thinking about him and dreaming about him and I haven't even talked to him in person!"

"I'm sure you're not the only person who has managed to develop a massive crush on someone over texts." Pricilla tries to comfort him but the huge grin on her face diminishes the effect.

"I do not have a crush," Jaskier says, like the liar he is.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Essi sings and laughs.

"What are you, five?" Jaskier scoffs.

"Yes, that's exactly how old I am."

"You're impossible. Both of you!" Jaskier points at his best friends in mock offence, trying not to laugh.

"And yet, you still love us!" Pricilla winks at him. Jaskier rolls his eyes.

"I will love you if you pour me another glass of that wine and stop talking." Jaskier waves his empty glass at Pricilla, who fills it with all the possible flourish of an experienced bartender.

"You know she won't shut up," Essi says and waves her glass at Pricilla as well. "Although, I might shut up if you play me something?" she gives him a sweet smile and he groans, throwing his head back.

"Please, Essi... You know I haven't had time to practice in forever..."

"So this is an as good time as any to pick up your guitar again," Pricilla says and hops up from her chair, only slightly wobbly on her feet. "Oh, shit, I think all of the bubbles went straight into my head as soon as I stood up!" she giggles and disappears into a walk-in closet.

"Are you sure that closet doesn't lead straight into Narnia?" Jaskier grumbles without any heat as he hears Pricilla dig around. He's well aware the closet is as full as it is because it's mostly filled with his stuff.

"Oh, imagine all of the storage we had if it did..." Essi sighs wistfully and drains the rest of her glass. "Oh!" she exclaims and sits up straight, "Do you think sorcerers have portals in their closets? Can you imagine how neat that would be?!"

"Oooh, that's why the bastards can afford to live in such fancy places, they can have an apartment the size of a broom closet and store all of their stuff elsewhere!" Priscilla says as she emerges from the closet carrying a slightly battered guitar case.

Jaskier takes the guitar out and tunes it carefully, taking a sip of wine every now and then.

Pricilla and Essi make themselves busy getting more snacks and wine out of their kitchen while waiting for him but he hardly notices their hushed whispers and giggles. The guitar feels so familiar in his hands as he runs his fingers along the varnished wood.

 "When you get older, plainer, saner Will you remember all the danger We came from? Burning like embers, falling, tender Longing for the days of no surrender Years ago And will you know

 So smoke 'em if you got 'em Cause it's going down All I ever wanted was you I'll never get to heaven Cause I don't know how

 Let's raise a glass Or two To all the things I've lost on you Ho, ooh Tell me are they lost on you? Ooh, oh..."

It's only 8 PM, Jaskier laments as he heads back home, definitely too much cheap bubbly wine in his system.

But it was good, spending some time with his friends. To have a chance to talk about everything and just relax without any pressure to write or be productive.

Jaskier opens the door only to find Roach right behind it, screaming at him as soon as she gets a sight of him. Jaskier barely manages to step inside before Roach is running to the kitchen, screaming all the while expecting him to follow.

"I'm not that fast, Roach!" Jaskier shouts after the cat, struggling to get his shoes off when everything in his vision seems to wave quite a bit, his steps still unsteady despite the walk back.

Roach runs back to him and screams, vibrating her tail impatiently and runs back towards the kitchen, stopping to wait for him in the doorway.  

"I'm coming, Roach, you'll get your dinner, fuck..." Jaskier stumbles on his shoes and gets an unimpressed look from Roach, "it's not even that late, I never give you dinner this ea- fuck!" He steps on a cat toy and has to take support from the wall.

Roach screams at him again and runs to the kitchen.

"You're going to kill me, you know? Leaving your toys lying around like that..." Jaskier grumbles but follows the cat to the kitchen and digs food for her.

Roach meows and thrills and vibrates her tail stretches against his leg, digging her nails through his jeans into his thigh.

"Ow, ow, ow! Roach! I promise you will not starve to death in thirty seconds, ow!"

Roach doesn't spare him another glance as soon as the food is in front of her.

Nor does she after she has eaten despite her normal insistence of following him everywhere.

One additional drink (one he's sure to regret come morning) Roach is still ignoring him, sitting on the kitchen window with her back on him when usually she sits at the backrest of the sofa or on the cat tree staring at him. Or she sits looking at the door, still visible from the living room, occasionally meowing pitifully.

But today she bristles and runs away from him as soon as he tries to approach, making offended mews.

Jaskier endures being ignored. For an hour (and a few more drinks).

"Roach is angry with me!" Jaskier wails at the phone, "She doesn't even acknowl... ackl... pay attention to me! Whatever shall I do? She's been ignoring me since I got home, I can't take this, I have failed! I'm a hor- horbible... horrible cat sitter. She will never forgive me... it wasn't even her dinner time yet, you know? And still, I'm slighted so terribly! This is a tragedy!"

"Hmm," a deep rumble from the other end of the line makes Jaskier's thoughts come to a screeching halt and he's quite certain he squeaks in shock. "Roach will forgive you in a couple of days."

"Okay, yeah, that's... that's good?" Jaskier says feeling suddenly much more sober than the moment before.

"Just don't do it again tomorrow and you'll be fine," the deep voice rumbles again.

Jaskier is sure he will die.

Of embarrassment or something else, he's not sure. But he. will. die.

"I won't, I promise," Jaskier agrees, probably too fast but he doesn't care. Anything to make the gorgeous man on the other end of the phone to keep talking to him.

"Hmm... she'll sulk in somewhere for tonight. Don't worry about it, she'll be back to pester you first thing in the morning."

Jaskier laughs despite himself. Or maybe it's the alcohol.

"She's not pestering me, she's just very enthusiastic about getting her food on time."

"That she is." The man falls silent for a moment too long for Jaskier to itch to start to babble some nonsense before he continues, "I hope she hasn't caused too much trouble for you. Or tried to bring dead birds inside to eat."

"What? No! Also eww thank the gods not." Jaskier cringes at the mental image of dead birds inside the house.

"That's good. She eats most of them in the yard."

"Okay, I did not need to know that, the cat sleeps in the same bed with me and now you're telling me she eats birds outside? Double eww."

The man has the audacity to laugh. Laugh!

But Jaskier isn't going to complain, he has never heard something as delightful as the deep laugh from the other end of the line.

He wants to hear it again.

And again.

"Um... any other useful tips to please the great beast?"

"Hmm... she likes to be scratched under the chin and behind the ears. But don't touch the base of her tail or she will bite you."

"Duly noted."

"Hmm... Don't feed her too many treats, you'll make her fuzzy."

"I would never- Fiona rattled on me, didn't she?" Jaskier sighs.

The line turns quiet.

"H-hello?" Jaskier looks at his phone but the line hasn't disconnected.

"...You talked with Fiona?"

"She, uh, she texted me first? I've been helping her with her homework?" Jaskier babbles before his brain supplies him with the most important information, "Wait! She told me you gave her permission! Melitele's sake I would have never talked to her if I knew she was doing it behind your back I promise I have no ill intentions I've just helped her with school stuff I swear!"

"Hmm..." a grunt is the only sound Jaskier hears from the other end of the line. He holds his breath. If all comes to worst, he'll be out of work and out of the house tomorrow.

"I'll talk to her. Thank you for helping her with her school, I'm... none of us is very good with that stuff. I guess she needed more help than I realised."

"Oh!" Jaskier tries to contain his surprise but he's not very successful, "No, you shouldn't thank me! Fiona has been nothing but the best student, she's very bright!"

"She is." There is another break at the end of the line and Jaskier is ready to lose his shit. "I'll talk to her about lying. You should sleep the alcohol off."

"I'm not drunk!" Jaskier exclaims offended and earns a laugh from cat dad.

"You're wasted, I can hear it even on phone. Go to sleep, Julian."

"Um... right. I'll... I'll go to sleep, and and try not to get smothered to death by an angry cat," he stammers embarrassed. Hearing his name in that low gravel shouldn't make his heart feel like it'll burst out of his chest. "G-good night, Geralt."

"Good night, Julian."

He will die. He will surely die, of embarrassment or happiness or Roach deciding it's finally time to sleep on his face the whole night, he doesn't know. But he will surely die.

[rayofspades]

My Thoughts on Blue October: A Two-Way Personal Narrative

This post has no point or thesis it’s literally just me talking about music that I like because I think it’s interesting.

Anyways.

I was making a playlist for work the other day, and in the process I rediscovered some Blue October songs I have on my ipod. And then I rediscovered all of the Blue October songs I have on my ipod because...I have a lot. 

And it’s pretty much my favourite music (for the most part). 

Blue October was a weirdly prominent part of my youth, so it makes sense that I would have an attachment to their music (people tend to like the music they grew up with). But even then, re-listening to those albums fills me with a lot more satisfaction than other songs from my childhood/adolescence. From ages 11-16-ish, my favourite band was The Killers, with Blue October in second place. I still like a lot of Killer’s songs, and they have a lot of nostalgic value, but when I’m listening to Blue October’s music...like....it really, genuinely holds up to me.

Which is weird, because most of my current faves and older faves were either pop or soft-rock (with the sub-genre of “edge” in my early teens). 

Blue October is classified as “alternative rock” which I think is just the professional way of saying “fucking wild.”

I’ve always joked that if some songs are “edge” then Blue October is “the whole knife.”

But that’s the thing; even though they’re understandably known for their kind of raw intensity, at least among the fan base, the albums tend to have a fair bit of variety both musically and lyrically. I often think of the lyric from “Inner Glow”: “So here's a preview shove it under old-new / Or call it rock or pop or bach or fuck / Goddamn where did we go wrong / Now there's a category for every song.” Even though the band is kind of unhinged in terms of genre, each album very much has its own personality despite the different tones of each song.

By the time Approaching Normal came out (when I was around 14) I had kind of put together a narrative with each album. It wasn’t really a clear-cut story based on the lyrics of every song, but rather a series of emerging themes and events that each album put extra focus on:

Consent to Treatment: Dealing with psychosis and frustration.

History for Sale: Continuing to struggle with mental illness while also thinking about romantic and sexual relationships.

Foiled: Appreciating and/or longing for loved ones.

And yes, I know that The Answers is technically their first album, but I only know 3 songs from that one and didn't love them enough to seek out the whole album.

Personal context: I started listening to Blue October at a relatively young age because they were one of my dad's favourite bands and he would blast their albums in the car. He correctly assumed that I, a sheltered 10 year old, wouldn't put together that some of the songs were about drugs and suicide. He would always skip the more sexual and violent songs though. He aint irresponsible.

So basically those first few albums just became part of my internal music library since I heard them so much. I remember the first song of theirs that I really noticed on its own was “The Answer,” and after learning that it was Blue October singing that song, my interest in them grew slightly more independent. 

When I was about to enter my early teens, I developed an interest in psychology (most notably psychosis) after watching A Beautiful Mind. After that I became even more interested in the lyrics from Consent to Treatment and History for Sale, and grew more attached to these albums that I was already very familiar with and fond of.

Foiled was and continues to be my favourite album of theirs, though. It has the largest variety of music and a lot of the lyrics are really interesting. 

I almost think it was kind of inevitable that this is the album that would get popular. “Hate Me” keeps true to their style, but it still has mainstream appeal. It’s...not the whole knife, but it still has a good melody and good lyrics. 

“Into the Ocean,” which is my favourite song of theirs, is fucking perfect for mainstream appeal. It’s catchy, it’s pretty, it’s edgy, and it’s good. I HEARD IT PLAYING IN A HOTEL ELEVATOR LIKE A MONTH AGO. The song is so beautiful it’s almost enough to distract you from the fact that it’s about suicide.

It’s great.

The only song on the album that I would say is far outside of mainstream appeal would be “Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek,” but according to wikipedia, that made it onto the Saw III soundtrack, so there you go.

Foiled also might be the best showcase of the lead singer’s vocal talent. One thing that I really like about this band is how the vocals can be unbelievably smooth and wonderful, but the lead singer, Justin Furstenfeld, can just...fucking...flip his vocal chords inside out and fucking scream to a melody when the music calls for it.

It’s an amazing album that I would recommend to pretty much anybody who’s into punk or “alternative rock” or even just...music. 

ALSO I have to talk about the s t r i n g s.

I legitimately think that Blue October’s music sounds so different and resonant because, even though it’s a lot of intense hard rock, there is so. Much. Violin.

Sometimes the violin will overpower the guitar, or maybe even straight up replace the guitar in some places. It’s unique and great and it sounds fucking amazing. I love that fucking violin. 

So I’m really invested in both the music and the Narrative of Blue October albums by the time I’m 13-14sh; right when Approaching Normal drops.

This album is...different...ish.

Like, I don’t necessarily think it’s more intense than their other albums, but it’s...angrier.

Approaching Normal also apparent themes, much like its predecessors: the birth of a daughter and a crumbling marriage. However, unlike the previous albums, the lyrics on this one become a lot more literal. The writing isn’t as good as far as the words go. As for the music...eh. I like “Should Be Loved” quite a lot, but I feel like the vocal performance is at odds with the melody. Most of the album is either just okay or actively bad. 

It’s...an uncomfortable album. The Narrative has become too overwhelming and I would argue too personal. 

There’s less violin.

And

whoo boy.

Okay, I literally just found out there was a censored version of this album like 6 seconds ago because I’m looking stuff up on wikipedia, but, of course, me and my dad got the uncensored version because we’re not w i m p s.

So, thank fuck by this point in my life I had my own ipod and my dad listened to music on his computer, so we heard this album independently from each other. 

Dude, I first heard the song “The End” at like 3 in the morning as a very sheltered and very very squeamish 14 year old.

I

could not sleep.

I literally took the song off of my ipod so I wouldn’t have to even think about it.

Yeah...this album didn’t get played in the car often.

It’s amazing how Foiled finally got the band off of the ground and then like 3 years later they come out with this album that is not nearly as easy to market. My local radio station used to have a show called “wired or fired” where they would play new songs and the audience would vote on whether or not it sucked. “Dirt Room” was featured on there and the reception was nooot positive. 

So fast forward another two years and Any Man in America comes out.

I fucking hate this album.

Actually the sad thing is I technically like more songs on this album than on Approaching Normal, but I just haaaaate it conceptually and in practice. 

The lyrics are even more literal and more personal than on Approaching Normal, and the Narrative picks up right where that one left off. The theme of Any Man in America is a very very messy divorce and custody battle that Justin Furstenfeld was going through. 

It is a Hard Yikes.

The misogyny in this album is overwhelming. And you can argue like “hey...the guy has bipolar disorder and is just working through his emotional problems” or whatever, but...he still dedicated an entire album to basically cursing at this woman. But what really turns my stomach is how much this album can and will resonate with every joe-shmoe misogynist going like “yeah haha women suck the feminists are taking over make me a sandwiiiiiich” like alskdfkhgkajhdkfjskf I DON’T THINK THAT’S THE ALBUM’S INTENTION BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY SPEAK TO THAT CROWD EVEN IF THAT WASN’T THE POINT.

But hey, shout out to “The Money Tree” and “The Follow Through” for actually being good songs and also bringing back that violin. 

So yeah. Blue October just kind of fell off of my radar after that, until another two years pass and I catch wind of Sway coming out. I was kinda like “eh, they’ve already jumped the shark,” but then I heard the single “Bleed Out” before the album’s release and...I didn’t love it, but I liked it. It sounded more like Foiled and less like Any Man in America. So I got on the hype train.

And I’m glad I did. I bought the album digitally and burned it onto a CD for my dad, and it was the first time in a while that he had an actual Blue October CD in his car, instead of just the best selection on a USB.

It’s the most tonally similar to Foiled, although I don’t think it’s as strong  as that album. That could be a nostalgia bias, but I do legitimately think the melodies are less interesting... and that violin continues to get downplayed. I miss it. I miss the violin.

The Narrative continues, but thankfully the lyrics have gotten less literal. I would say the theme of this one is “healing and starting over.” “Sway” is a pretty ballad and I love “Angels in Everything.” The album as a whole is just...nice. But it still has some of that edge/whole knife thing going for it. The sex and drugs aint absent. 

So I liked this album. 

Fast forward another few years, to a Renee that hasn’t listened to Blue October songs in a while and also doesn’t really listen to the radio that much anymore. I’m randomly in the car with my dad when I hear a fucking Blue October song on the radio. A new one. I could tell it was them because Furstenfeld’s voice is very distinctive. Out loud I’m just like “Is...is this Blue October?????????” Partially because I didn’t know they had a new album out, but mostly because this was the first time I’d heard a new Blue October song get radio play in my city since fucking 2009 when “Dirt Room” was on Wired or Fired.  

The song was “Home,” which was also the title of the album. My dad ended up buying it for me for Christmas that year. The album reminds me more of Sway than any other, but I do prefer more songs on it. “Heart Go Bang” is great and sounds like it came straight off of History for Sale and “I Want It” is fantastic in my opinion. I like “Coal Makes Diamonds,” I like “Houston Heights” and “Leave it in the Dressing Room,” and I really like “Home.” 

(Still want more violin, though.)

I would say that the Narrative/theme of this album is love and family. This album was written after Furstenfeld remarried. Before Sway came out, his girlfriend apparently told him to stop being a piece of shit and get sober or she was going to leave and take their unborn baby with her.

So he did.

I really want to know more about this woman, because she’s kind of my hero at the moment.

The second last song on the album, “Time Changes Everything” feels like it’s about letting go of that battle he was fighting with his ex. It’s conceptually comforting, if that is indeed the case.

The funny thing is, I thought this album kind of put the Narrative in a nice little bow. Like, the most dramatic part is over and now this story can have a happy ending.

Which is why it came as an extra-super-double shock when I found out two days ago that Blue October released another album over a  y e a r  a g o.

This is what I get for not listening to the radio.

I have not listened to this album yet, and the reviews posted on wikipedia are positive but still mixed. Like, people saying it’s poppy and mainstream but also saying it still has edge, etc.

I’m a little afraid of listening to it, because I’m not sure what direction their music has taken, or if it’ll become too same-y to other stuff on the radio.

We’ll see.

When I finally listen to it I might post a review or something.

But from what it sounds like, the album is mostly positive in terms of messages and themes, and that’s comforting to me.

Okay.

Those are my thoughts on Blue October.

They...probably are my favourite band, despite the problems I have with some of their music.

I kind of made this post to put into words why/how this music is so important to me, but it’s genuinely hard to describe. I’ve done my best, but at the end of the day...I just really dig this music.

Anyways, if you for some reason decided to read this post without knowing much about Blue October music and want to get into it, I made a playlist of what I think are the best songs from each album because IIIIIII had nothing better to do. Apparently.

Trigger Warnings: A very large number of the songs are about mental illness and suicide, so watch out for that.

“Angel” and “Razorblade”: Sexual Violence TW (Good songs, but really intense)

“Hard Candy” and “Drop”: Drug Use TW

There ya go.

Enjoy.

[maadstudy-blog]

um, so i guess a little more introduction would be wise, since im essentially a brand new studyblr! my name is madeline (most of my friends call me mad though), im 20 and im a second year honors student at a great state school. im on a full-ride social justice oriented scholarship and am a philosophy major w a minor in critical theory! most generally, i like to say i am in the business (you will never see me use that word ever again lol) of creating. im a jazz saxophonist, poet, etc. in a lot of ways, i will fit the stereotype of the atypical college student...im a depressed philosophy major who loves nietzsche (others too, but just wait a bit on that) who works at a coffee shop and spends her free time being a bad artist (music, writing, bad drawing); but, i like to think theres a lot more to me than just that (even tho my undercut and bisexuality may beg to differ lmao). my hopes academically are to graduate with an honors thesis and go to graduate school in critical theory...im still deciding on my speciality, but I suspect it will fall somewhere in the entanglement of queer theory, continental philosophy, post colonialism and the Kyoto school...but we’ll see. i want to be that professor, essentially.

im hoping that this will help me get back on track after a mentally rough start to college and that maybe ill figure some more stuff out along the way. id love to get to know some of y'all in the community so please don’t hesitate to reach out, just know that im bad at responding quickly a lot of the time and it isn’t personal !!!

theres much more to learn about me...but i think this is enough for now ;)

[flippinoptimist]

> Vel : Meet a nerdlord

Today at 2:45 AM

deputyheadmistress Alright, someone talking to you on my behalf about a lack of privacy got to me a bit. But I'm not upset with you for how the internet behaves.

flippinoptimist thats lurky, theyre a little closer to omniscient than is average for most beings, and like kind of giving advice, and they mean well i think they meant it mostly to make me stop chargin around in like, manic mode, though, even if stuff relatin to you was the causal start of the chain sorry you got dragged into it miss granger, and that i wasn't doin the tact thing

deputyheadmistress I didn't mean them, I meant the thread about different faux book titles. But a close to omniscient being is, I suppose, something I'll also have to get used to. I'm at least a bit used to manic teens, though it's not the best way to get shocking information.

flippinoptimist i think my earth age would technically start with a two, but thats sorta recent after you spend enough time around here you get used to the like, multiverse

deputyheadmistress Can we, perhaps, stop talking about the multiverse for a few moments? And talk about something a bit more grounding, like your particular brand of magic. I'm very curious.

flippinoptimist sure its sorta a fusion of everything ive run across, since the inherent stuff that my ~destiny~ tried to put on me isnt the same kind of stuff as the place where im learnin the inherent is more of a "woo, heres a big abstract concept, you are an incarnation / channeler of a shard of it, neato"

deputyheadmistress That sounds like a lot to dig into, but alright.

flippinoptimist the school part is about how you can structure thought and energy flow into symbols and runes and things i'm focusin on artificing ..and the inherent part has given me a knack for illusions i cant figure out how to actually cast spells but im good at making things!

deputyheadmistress Oh! I was very good at ancient runes during my time at Hogwarts, and while I haven't managed to do much with it since graduation, other than an enchanted bag, I'd be really curious to see what similarities there might be. I wonder if you can cast spells. Logic seems like it'd point to yes, but if you're from somewhere else...

flippinoptimist id be curious about them!  i know the words to a few spells but ive never seen  them and do naut have a wand of the kind you are thinking of the wands i know about / make each have a specific spell in them, and are locked to create a specific effect that triggers when a gesture or word or w/e happens

deputyheadmistress That's terribly inefficient.

flippinoptimist sure, its Terrible

deputyheadmistress ... Is that referencing those historical people of note who end up being so infamous people associate them with the word 'Terrible' as well?

flippinoptimist naut much different than having a necklace that makes you invisible though yes! it also enables a billion terrible puns

deputyheadmistress I was curious. It's a bit strange to add it yourself, don't you think?

flippinoptimist (ba dum tsh)

deputyheadmistress Oh.

flippinoptimist it is

deputyheadmistress Well, that explains that, doesn't it?

flippinoptimist but my species has this thing, where on adulthood we each replace our kid name with an adult Title

deputyheadmistress Oh, it's a cultural thing.

flippinoptimist yeah, and i chose a human one

deputyheadmistress Alright. I read a little bit on that.

flippinoptimist because humans are neat and i like them

deputyheadmistress Oh! Well, I'm glad you like humans, then.

flippinoptimist and i respect a lot of the cultural things i see in most of the human places i have found

deputyheadmistress Good, I was about to ask that.

flippinoptimist also everything that comes out of japan is amazing

deputyheadmistress I don't know how I could let you use a wand from here, but I want to try.

flippinoptimist id love to try if you can think of a way! i am pretty good at establishing first contact with new universes, and i could get you alien tech and magic to check out if you wanted for various definitions of alien

deputyheadmistress ... Alien tech won't work so well on Hogwart's grounds. I had to heavily modify this computer so it'd function here.

flippinoptimist i am curious about how

flippinoptimist alllsooo....  ill have to find a copy of the magic version of getting around from place to place

deputyheadmistress Oh! I wrote a whole thesis on how to make magic more compatable with muggle text over the summer, let me...

flippinoptimist but i know where to find it!  couple of steps and itll work out okay

deputyheadmistress I'll send it to you later. It's a bit lengthy, and I have to type it up here. Alright, I'll hold.

flippinoptimist okay i hate to say this because i am definitely interested in exchangin data and showin things, but it feels rude not to remind you before we get much further that a step of getting this to work is probably going to involve me (random internet stranger) havin to figure out what your coordinates are, so i can write them in the format needed for the circley part i can get you the circle rune pattern either way, but if you want a way to actually use it, id need to basically track your IP but, like, fancy and involving you running a thing on a computer let me know if you want to do that part, but heres the circle diagram

flippinoptimist -- flippinoptimist began sending file : transportationcircle.pdf --

deputyheadmistress I have been warned about random internet strangers.... I may have to work on protection wards for a moment, for the sake of safety.

flippinoptimist sure thing i highly advise not using that w/o fillin in coordinates the way it says, and also not without knowin your home coordinates if you step through that thing, the only way back is to know how to write your home address, you know?

deputyheadmistress Alright

flippinoptimist to find home coordinates, install one a these chat programs, and send me a private message, i can use a couple a tools to trace the connection from there and get your code

deputyheadmistress This is certainly the sort of decision I want to be making at five in the morning. Alright, I've got everything set up. What is life without adventure, and the chance to make the headmistress mad at me.

flippinoptimist lol the decision will still be here at not five in the morning, but you wont be able to blame it on the time then shit i should give you the programs shouldnt i -- Discord, Trollian! --

deputyheadmistress Thank you.

flippinoptimist i have a set of coords i can give you that are explicitely for being a neutral place to meet people, but the sky isnt done yet so its janky lookin but!  the building is finished

deputyheadmistress I've chosen a fairly neutral place for the moment, don't worry.

flippinoptimist ok!

deputyheadmistress > Message him on Discord. This will be absolutely fine. Totally.

flippinoptimist > He messages her back!  About two minutes later, he gives her the number version of her coordinates, which she can use to get back home from anywhere.  He also gives her the coordinates to the convenience store, which he mentions is "a pocket dimension under construction"

deputyheadmistress > She'll... Write that down and probably not do anything with it for a while. > If he tries to look at her coordinates directly, it will really really not work, as if his machine were glitching, but he can probably go a few miles out for a nice view of a scottish country side.

flippinoptimist > Neat!  He ..does poke that far, but then sets his machine to go back to looking somewhere else.  The coordinates are saved, but he promises to himself to not use them. if somebody gives you coordinates, you can go places, or people w/ yours can send you stuff or come visit

deputyheadmistress Alright. This is going to take a bit of getting used to, but if you want to come over you can.

flippinoptimist > ..man, he was supposed to be in time out, but lately he'd been doing so well ..until today.. and he'd been leaning into choosing the Chaotic choices more and more often... > What good was putting yourself in time out if you didn't stick to it?

flippinoptimist crazy o clock in the mornin probably aint the best time for first impressions, though its temptin as hell.  i could send across some small magic gunk and weird alien snacks as a proof of concept, and meet you like, tomorrow or another day soon?

deputyheadmistress That sounds good! I'll send you some magic things too, then.

flippinoptimist sweet!  we can compare notes

deputyheadmistress > Time to gather some of George's jokes and some magical candy.

flippinoptimist > He would send an invisibility ring, a few novelty disguises, a small opal that made anyone within line of sight experience a slightly sweet taste (in a well-shielded bag), and a variety of alternian mass-produced snackfoods labled in a clearly alien language.  Ones he thought might not creep out humans too bad.

deputyheadmistress > Bertie botts every flavor beans are a necessity, though she does make sure to include a carefully penned note about what flavors he may come across that are less pleasant. Chocolate frogs are included as well, of course. Things that turn skin different interesting colors, fireworks that make flame animals bound through the air.

flippinoptimist > He is going to admire the hell out of and carefully store these for later perusal.

deputyheadmistress > He also gets a somewhat large coinpurse that he can shove his whole arm in and still seem to not run out of room.

flippinoptimist okay this is a pretty neat bag stupid question and no i am not going ot try, what happens when you turn it inside out

deputyheadmistress You could turn it out for a really long time. I think it'd be annoying to stuff it back in though

flippinoptimist okay, what if i went for a swim in the ocean with it is there a limit?

deputyheadmistress Of course there's a limit. But it can hold a tent or two, several thin blankets, changes of clothing, general everyday use things, and of course money. Thin things work better, obviously. You could probably fit thick blankets, but it'd be way more annoying both to put them in and pull them out.

flippinoptimist that makes a lotta sense and is pretty interestin i have a tech way of carrying lots of stuff, but you mentioned tech was sad

deputyheadmistress Oh! I have a print version of the paper I was going to type up.

flippinoptimist ive got an amulet thats basically like a mr potato head that disguises you all the runework lines up so you can unclip parts and clip in different parts

deputyheadmistress > Send that along, also. There's moving pictures involved, with her pictured. Oh wow.

flippinoptimist modular!

deputyheadmistress I don't think describing it as 'Mr Potato Head' is reassuring, for a disguise, but a modular disguise is interesting.

flippinoptimist it only works when everything is seated in firmly and shut, but its also sort of like legos > He .. sends a modular disguise amulet over too, with a couple of bits and pieces it only does disguises for my species, but hey, maybe thatll be handy

deputyheadmistress Maybe.

flippinoptimist pro tip if you are ever going to go to a place with my species, ask them which color of person is best for you to be can of worms subject really

deputyheadmistress That sounds racist as hell.

flippinoptimist oh yeah

deputyheadmistress Joy.

flippinoptimist p much sometides people call the usual empress "fish hitler" most of the dudes i know are huge rebels

deputyheadmistress The magical world just recently got done with a war similar to Hitler's.

flippinoptimist but!  there are placeswhere things are fine its just good to check if a place is one of them first

deputyheadmistress So I'm a little sick of that.

flippinoptimist i hang out in like three different places where she got deposed differentamounts of time ago yeah thats aight

deputyheadmistress At least there's that.

flippinoptimist speaking of humans, its great how often its naut like that like, sometimes, but anyway people can be pretty cool when teyre given teh chance

deputyheadmistress I do like to believe in the inherent goodness of people, despite how much bad has happened.

flippinoptimist i think people can choose how theyre gonna be theresa lotta nice reasons to choose not to be a dick

deputyheadmistress I should hope you wouldn't need reasons, but yes there are reasons to be nice.

flippinoptimist sometimes bein mean is tempting, otherwise people wouldnt do it you get all wrapped up in somethin, dont see all of it, then suddenly you get a reality check an gotta go "hey is this where i wanna be" and then people ignore the question because they dont wanna think about it and then its sealed, theyre dicks and theyll stay that way

flippinoptimist till they look around again

deputyheadmistress I suppose.

flippinoptimist i spend a lotta time thinkin about it i was a jerk when i was younger, and i decided to be nice instead so i spend a lot of time talkin to dudes who are or were also jerks and we all get better! cause i can help them find the reasons they need to start

flippinoptimist also jerks are sometimes kinda hilarious, and theyre often pretty good at shit.  otherwise theyd have learned better when they ran into a problem they couldnt solve w/o help.

deputyheadmistress It's getting a bit late. I think I should probably turn in for the night, before all of the teenagers wake up and need scowling at.

flippinoptimist that is probably a thing i hope you have a good night miss granger it was nice meetin you

deputyheadmistress It was really interesting talking to you, Vel.

flippinoptimist i try for interestin

deputyheadmistress Do you really need to try?

flippinoptimist not really

deputyheadmistress Have a good night. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

flippinoptimist bye!

[the-master-cylinder]

SUMMARY Thomas Dagget, a Catholic seminary student, loses his faith when he sees visions of a war between angels. Years later, Thomas is a detective with the Los Angeles Police Department. Two angels fall to Earth: Simon briefly enters Thomas’ home and warns him of coming events, while Usiel, a lieutenant of the Archangel Gabriel, is killed in an altercation with Simon. Investigating the disturbance, Thomas finds in Simon’s apartment the obituary of recently deceased Korean War veteran Colonel Arnold Hawthorne, and a thesis about angels which Thomas himself wrote in seminary. Meanwhile, in Chimney Rock, Arizona, Simon finds Hawthorne awaiting burial and sucks his soul out of his body.

The medical examiner informs Thomas that Usiel’s body has no eyes, no bones, hermaphroditism, and the blood chemistry of a fetus. His personal effects include an ancient Bible, with an expanded Book of Revelation that describes a second war in Heaven and prophecy that a “dark soul” will be found on Earth and used as a weapon.

Gabriel arrives on Earth. Needing a human helper, Gabriel catches a disappointed Jerry, a suicide, in the moment of his death. Jerry retrieves Usiel’s belongings from the police station while Gabriel destroys Usiel’s body in the morgue. Finding Hawthorne’s obituary, Gabriel and Jerry head for Chimney Rock. Before Gabriel arrives, at the local reservation school Simon hides Hawthorne’s soul in a little Native American girl, Mary, who immediately falls ill and is cared for by her teacher, Katherine.

After finding Usiel’s burnt body, Thomas hurries to Chimney Rock. When Gabriel realizes Hawthorne’s soul is missing, he confronts Simon. Hawthorne’s soul will tip the balance to whichever side possesses it, and a win for the rebellious angels would make Heaven like Hell with Earth in its thrall. Gabriel tortures Simon, but he refuses to reveal its location, so Gabriel kills him. Mary shows signs of possession by Hawthorne, recounting an incident from Hawthorne’s harrowing war experiences in first-person perspective. Meanwhile, Thomas examines Simon’s remains and questions Katherine. In Hawthorne’s home, he finds evidence of war crimes. Thomas visits a church to reflect in and is shaken by a verbal confrontation with Gabriel.

At school, Katherine finds Gabriel questioning the children. After he leaves, she rushes to Mary’s home and finds Thomas. As Mary’s condition worsens, Katherine takes Thomas to an abandoned mine where she had seen Gabriel. They find angelic script and experience together a terrible vision of the angelic war. Returning to Mary, they find Gabriel and Jerry. Thomas kills Jerry, while Katherine distracts Gabriel when her wild gunshot misses him and blows up Mary’s trailer home. They take Mary to a Native American site to be exorcised. In a hospital, Gabriel recruits a new unwilling assistant, Rachael, just as she dies of a terminal illness.

Lucifer confronts Katherine and tells her that “other angels” have taken up this war against mankind, and since then, no human souls have been able to enter Heaven. He knows Gabriel plans to use Hawthorne’s soul to overthrow the obedient angels. He also knows that if Gabriel wins the war under his influence Heaven will ultimately devolve into another Hell, which Lucifer considers “one Hell too many”. Lucifer then appears to Thomas and advises him to use Gabriel’s lack of faith against him. When Gabriel arrives and attempts to disrupt the exorcism ritual, Thomas kills Rachael, and he and Katherine fight Gabriel. Gabriel defeats them and moves to kill Katherine.

Lucifer appears, encouraging the Natives to complete the exorcism. Lucifer confronts Gabriel, telling him that his war is based upon arrogance, which is evil, making it Lucifer’s territory. Lucifer tells Gabriel he needs to go home and rips out his heart. Simultaneously Mary expels out Hawthorne’s soul. The “enemy ghost” starts to attack Thomas and Katherine, but a bright light from Heaven appears and destroys it. Lucifer asks Thomas and Katherine to “come home” with him, but they refuse. Lucifer drags Gabriel to Hell. As morning comes, Thomas comments on the nature of faith and what it means to truly be human

DEVELOPMENT/PRODUCTION The film was shot in fall 1993. with an $8 million budget and a solid cast including Walken, Eric Stoltz and Virginia Madsen. While strange, unexplained phenomena seemed to plague the film, it was eventually finished with only a few “act of God instances and very little fundamentalist group opposition.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if we ran into some problems later.” Soisson admits. “There are so many different sects of Christianity, not to mention Islam and Judaism, and they all hold angels in different regards. The Old Testament and New Testament are completely different; the New Testament barely speaks of angels. So Christians who look to the New Testament are probably going to find the film problematic. Then again, the Old Testament describes angels as savage beings. They seek vengeance and cause bloodshed, and that’s the kind of angel we’re describing here to a certain extent. If you look at it honestly, there is a truth in the movie.

Gregory Widen

According to Widen, who wrote as well as directed, the film sprang from his fascination with the idea of what makes an angel go bad, prompted by reading Milton and studying the Bible. “I was interested in exploring that and did a lot of research with the Bible,” said Widen. I try to back up the movie as much as I can with the Bible. I’ve got a very unusual take on angels, the idea that they’re sort of God’s hitmen. If you read the Bible, they spent an awful lot of time killing first borns and turning cities to salt, especially in the Old Testament, and so the idea was to really play up that aspect of their personality.

“I thought we’d lost in our modern age the feeling that angels are anything but these fluffy things on your shoulder. There was an earlier time, a few hundred years ago, when they were seen in a much more complicated way, as creatures that were fearsome in some ways. They have free will, they’re not just an extension of God, because they obviously can rebel: they did it once before. They’re just fascinating to me as a creature, the ability to praise God all day, but with one wing dipped in blood. You’re doing God’s dirty work all the time, and you have free will, so what kind of personality does that create in a creature?”

Since the film relies heavily on historical and literary influences, many audience members unfamiliar with angelic lore might be turned off. Widen disagreed, countering, “I don’t think so. A lot of the stuff is mainly textural and will help your enjoyment of the film. And if you don’t get every single Biblical detail, I don’t think it gets in the way. If you do (get it), it’s just an added benefit.”

The film’s interpretation of angels isn’t the only potentially controversial viewpoint. While God and Jesus are mentioned, Lucifer plays a significant role at film’s end.

“Lucifer actually makes an appearance in almost a Lecterian sort of way,” said Widen, “because his basic position is that two Hells is one Hell too many. Gabriel is, in many ways, taking Lucifer’s route, from a Milton point of view.

“Unfortunately now we tend to push these things into all evil and all bad, and the Devil is just this cackling guy in a corner who was evil from moment one. Actually in the Bible and a lot of other writings, Lucifer started out as the good guy. He was the best angel, and along the way he began seeing things in a way that became incompatible with staying with God. And it was almost a heartbreaking falling out. Gabriel is doing the same thing in many ways, where he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He thinks he’s right and everybody else is wrong. He doesn’t want to be a king, he doesn’t want to rule in Heaven, he’s not trying to overthrow God. He just thinks there’s a fundamental wrong going on and everyone just sees it wrong.

“Ultimately that’s how Lucifer fell, too. He wasn’t really trying to undo God, he just disagreed. Lucifer’s a much more tragic figure in this movie. He’s more like a guy who lost the love of his life and is still a really bad guy, but is still kind of a sorrowful guy, too. But he’s there to help the humans because it’s simply not in his interests for Gabriel to win.”

The story also juxtaposes Christian mythology with aspects of Navajo mysticism. With the final battle staged on a Navajo reservation, the question of how two seemingly disparate beliefs can coexist is raised. “They weave pretty tightly,” explained Widen. “The idea is that the girl’s possessed, and the Navajo culture does have a procedure for depossessing someone. And they carry on as if that’s the issue and the two worlds meld climatically at the end, where you have an Indian exorcism and you also have Christian-based humans desperately trying to stop these angels. The idea is that they all complement each other; they’re not necessarily in opposition to each other as two concepts.

“For example, there’s a line in the movie where one guy turns to the Indian and says, “You know, this may not be a Navajo ghost,’ and the Indian says, ‘It’s all the same.’ That’s the idea. As far as they’re concerned, this is just a negative spirit inhabiting a girl.”

In eerie fashion, the production had its own run in with evil spirits while filming in Arizona. On the day filming was to occur on an Indian village set, Jones Benally, a medicine man employed as a stunt man, warned producers that two bad omens—the sighting of a coyote and an owl—had occurred and he had misgivings about continuing the production. A storm, with 120 miles-per-hour winds and lightning, subsequently blew in, destroying the set.

“We had built an Indian village on a cliff, and it blew away one night,” remembered Widen. “We had a hellacious storm. It was foretold by a medicine man because we had accidentally killed an owl with one of our trucks.”

Despite the bad omen-induced weather, the two-month production went smoothly. “I had a great time,” said Widen, who makes his feature directorial debut. “I had really great actors, which is half your job. If you have great actors, the most important thing is to just get out of the way. I definitely had Christopher Walken in mind (when I wrote this). He was the first one that signed on. Walken is an incredibly gifted actor. He gives you exactly what you want. And he has a certain ethereal quality about him that really works well with this—that otherworldly quality helps you believe he’s not quite of here. I thought that worked enormously well for him.”

The ultimate script was shaped by the concept of the seraph God’s highest order of warrior angels. Widen then centered on one particular angel, Gabriel (Christopher Walken), who wants to overthrow heaven but needs to come to Earth to snatch the black soul of a recently deceased general, which will help him strategically to win the fight.

“This was definitely a tough movie to pitch,” notes Soisson. “It’s a profound concept that makes people go ‘hmmmm,’ and they’re usually blown away when they read the script. It’s different and thought-provoking and scary, and we hope the movie will capture that. It’s one of those lucky breaks, where you’re actually trying to do justice to the script instead of trying to get a script that does justice to the production.”

Selling a studio on the idea was the hard part. After shopping it around, with Widen as a first-time director, all the team received were unnecessary criticisms one executive thought the movie was great, but didn’t understand why they needed to have the angels in it, so Widen went the independent route and ended up with an $8-million budget and considerable creative freedom. “For the film to work, it had to be done on its own terms, and I think it will work on its own terms,” Widen says. “I was afraid the studios would rub off the edges.”

Interview with Virginia Madsen

You worked with another great actor, Christopher Walken, in The Prophecy. Virginia Madsen: Yeah, and you know, Gabriel also has a broken heart. He feels he’s been cast out by a God he deeply loves. He’s terribly jealous of humans; he feels they have replaced angels, and so Chris played that with a lot of deep, deep pain and betrayal.

He’s such an eccentric performer; what was it like acting opposite him? Virginia Madsen: Well, fortunately, I had met him prior to the Prophecy, because we were going to do another film together that never got made. So I already knew him as this wonderful, sweet, quiet man, and suddenly he showed up with this demonic, unholy white skin and black, black hair And he was constantly eating raw garlic! To me he was normal, because I already knew him, but everyone else was scared and repulsed because of the garlic, and I know he was doing that on purpose so people would feel that way.

So he was more Method than Todd… Virginia Madsen: Yes, but I was like, “You know, somebody has to say something.” So I said, “Chris, man, what’s with the garlic?” And he replied, “Well, Virginia, I’ve done a lot of naughty things…” “Oh, it’s a health thing?” I was like, “Yeah, sure it is.” And I said, “Well, Chris, what if we were playing a love scene between the two of us?” He said, “Well, in that case, Virginia, I would abstain.” “OK, thank you!”

You had a great cast all around in The Prophecy – Elias Koteas, Eric Stoltz, Amanda Plummer, Viggo Mortensen. It must have been very interesting to work with them all. Virginia Madsen: Well, it was not a good experience. I mean, it wasn’t terrible, because I love my job and those guys were great, but we didn’t have much of a script. They were constantly trying to write it as we went along, and that’s terrible for actors, because all we have is the lines to say. So that was awkward, and we were trying to make it better, trying to make things make sense. We were acting our hearts out, you know what I mean? It was like, “Well, that makes no sense, but I’m gonna say it anyway! And I’m going to say it with great conviction.” We kind of felt we were treading water all the time, and Viggo came in just for a day and wrote that scene.

Lucifer’s whole “We’re open every day, even on Christmas” speech? Virginia Madsen: Yeah; I don’t know how much he worked with the writer/director, but it was my sense that those were his words, and they were so beautiful. That was one of the extraordinary nights, because I had never met Viggo, nobody knew who he was and his work was amazing. And then Eric Stoltz came in, and he was very poetic, and everyone was intrigued by the idea of angels feeling they were not God’s favorite anymore, and how they were jealous of us because humans have souls. There was all this Biblical stuff we were discussing and trying to bring into the story, and everybody cared a lot about it.

It was also very creepy a lot of the time. There was a lot of night shooting, and the subject matter was very dark, so that feeling prevailed every day, and it kept getting darker and darker and darker. The one ray of light was Adam Goldberg, because he was so funny! I found it difficult to stay in character around him, because he was so hilarious.

Then there was a terrible storm while we were shooting up on the mesa, with the actual Native American tribe from the area we were shooting. This strange pink cloud that resembled a fist, I kid you not, came down out of the blue sky, and it looked like a big finger pointing—the finger of God-and the Native Americans left. They were like, “This is bad. You have bad mojo on the set. We can’t help you, and we’re leaving.” The director was like, “You can’t leave! We’re filming!” And they were like, “That’s a sign from God,” and they took off!

Very quickly, like it was out of hell, this massive windstorm rolled in and just blew our entire village off the top of the mountain. The trailers were blowing over, and the police were up there with a big truck trying to get us out, and then I saw this figure striding toward me it was Christopher in the wind! Trees, tumbleweeds, everything was blowing around him, and he looked so scary. I was like, “C’mon!” He was yelling something, and at first I couldn’t hear him because the wind was gale-force. And all of a sudden I realized he was saying, “Why aren’t we filming?” “Because, Chris, you’re gonna blow off the mountain! Get in the truck!” It was really scary, but he thought it was great. And you know, he was probably right. Somebody should have grabbed a camera and shot that!

  Without question, the only person who could pull off the strikingly dangerous yet sympathetic qualities of Gabriel is Walken, who was also the first to sign onto the film and whose interest was integral to getting such a comfortable budget for an independent movie by a first-time director. Naturally, of the entire crew, Walken has been the only person not affected by the rumors about Queen of Angels’ ninth floor.

“Walken ended up taking off by himself to go up there,” recalls Scott Patton, whose Patton FX (consisting of Dave Snyder, Mark Maitre, Bernhard Eichholz, Walter Phelan, Susan Lamson and Mark Villalobos) provided the special makeup FX. “He said, ‘I’ll be back, I’m going to see a ghost.’ Everyone else was freaking out, because it was 4 a.m. and he was going up there alone. Eventually he came back down and kind of chuckled to himself. Who knows what he saw? He could have seen every demon in hell running down also appears as an impaled angel in one of the movie’s visions, who has the horrible disposition one would expect from the assistant of Lucifer (Viggo Mortensen)himself.

“Being Satan’s sidekick would not be the most desirable position to have in the afterlife,” says Patton. “This character basically has no eyes and a crown of thorns on his face. It’s supposed to be a mockery of Christ wearing that crown and a symbol of blind faith, and blind faith to Satan would be a horrifying thing anyway.”

It was a movie we originally budgeted at $10 million, and we wound up with about $3 million to make it, so we had to perform a bit of triage to make it work, get everything we needed and not go over budget. I totally enjoyed Walken. He’s such a professional that when he had a couple of meltdowns on the set, because of things not being done right—which was somewhat budget-induced-each time he would very congenially ask me to walk with him around behind the trailers, just to have a little chat. Then, as soon as we were out of earshot, he would totally rip my throat out, and then say something like, “Do you understand what I’m saying?” I would say, “Yeah,” and then we would walk back and he was totally cool. Nobody ever knew I was completely shamed by him. I respect that, and I would work with him again in a heartbeat. – Joel Soisson

According to Patton, character makeups have been the effect of choice on Prophecy; among this work contributed by Patton’s crew and his key on-set prosthetic supervisor Dave Snyder are appliances for Walken and Eric Stoltz, who plays the benevolent angel Simon. However, Goldberg had the most work done on him, since he gradually decomposes throughout the course of the film.

“Adam used the makeup in ways more actors should, in the sense of using it to get into character,” says Snyder. “He would take whatever minimal discomfort there was from the makeup and totally buy into that, and blow it so out of proportion that it would be hilarious.”

“He would never ever bitch and moan to us,” Patton adds. “He would say, ‘I hate you,’ and we’d say, ‘Good, we’re making it hurt as much as we can.’ And for some reason, that would make him feel better he’d revel in the fact that he was being put through as much pain as possible.”

Neurotic and terribly funny, Goldberg, who does an eerily dead on Walken impersonation agrees that the process was a nightmare but couldn’t help but use it to his advantage. “It really helped me become the character, because I would never have had any sense how to play this guy until I put the makeup on,” the young actor says. “There’s something about looking at yourself in the mirror all made up, and actually feeling the stuff on you, that makes it quite easy to put yourself in the shoes of somebody who is decomposing.”

Dealing with religious iconography is always a touchy subject, and retain the film he order for secure. While there were many studio offers, the producer held out for independent financing in order for Widen to direct the film himself and also to retain the story’s impact.

“I had to walk a lot of miles, but Robbie Little of Overseas Filmgroup has been extremely supportive,” says Soisson. “He looked at it and said, ‘I love it, but I’m scared of it. I want to help you guys, but it’s going to take a while, and it did. It took almost two years, but he hung on with us. sold off some territories and gambled his own money. We cobbled together the budget and ran with it. I’m sure that if a studio had done it, we would not have been involved. It would have been made for $40 million and I’m sure they would have had some compensating values, but I’m obviously glad they didn’t make it.”

SOUNDTRACK/SCORE

The Prophecy (1995) David Williams

CAST/CREW Directed  Gregory Widen

Produced Joel Soisson

Written Gregory Widen

Scott Patton … special makeup effects: Patton EFX Martha Preciado  … key makeup artist (as Martha Cecilia) Dave Snyder  … on-set prosthetics supervisor Mark Villalobos  … special makeup effects artist Stephen Weber second makeup artist

Christopher Walken as Gabriel Elias Koteas as Thomas Dagget Virginia Madsen as Katherine Eric Stoltz as Simon Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer Amanda Plummer as Rachael Moriah Shining Dove Snyder as Mary Adam Goldberg as Jerry Steve Hytner as Joseph J.C. Quinn as Burrows Jeff Cadiente as Usiel Patrick McAllister as Col. Hawthorne Albert Nelson

CREDITS/REFERENCES/SOURCES/BIBLIOGRAPHY Cinefantastique#27n02 Fangoria#142 Fangoria#335 Fangoria#136

The Prophecy (1995) Retrospective SUMMARY Thomas Dagget, a Catholic seminary student, loses his faith when he sees visions of a war between angels.

[maisietheyellowlab]

Time for a life update! just bc I feel like writing it down, not like anyone asked tbh. Long post ahead, just so u know, if u decide to continue reading. Mostly abt mental health and related stuff.

Ok so I’ve been complaining about my mental health for the past year probably and about 3 weeks ago I finally had my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I initially needed a note from him so I can continue studying next year bc I was abset a lot etc. but I also wanted to see a professional, bc I kept on going between “ok this is not normal I feel really bad” and “I’m just whining and makign stuff up I’m just lazy not ill”. Turns out he agrees how I’ve been feeling is not normal, so I can rely on that and not get lost in the “I’m jsut making it up” circle all the time. He did say that it could be depression or, and I rly didn’t exect this, a longer lasting burn out. Like I always thought I wasn’t doing enough, not that I was doing too much, but I guess full time studying + work + taking care of a dog + activities + living on my own (w some helps tho) could be overwhelming. 

I didn’t wanna try meds right away, so he suggested I try to push myself a bit when I don’t feel like going outside or meeting up with people, try some exercise that I haven’t abused for ed like behaviors yet, and just try to do things that make me happy like dog training classes and drawing and all that stuff. I have a check up in January but if it gets worse I can call before.  I’ve started to do a bit of yoga, honestly thought I wouldn’t like it bc ppl make it seem super insanely spiritual sometimes, but it feels really nice and calming so far. I’ve said yes to a trip to bf’s friend’s place at the seaside for his birthday, knowing there would be 8 or more people, half or more of which I don’t know, which sounded overwhelming and uncomfortable, and it turned out just fine, so I’m pushing the social aspect a little too. I used to be p ok with this but I get anxious with many new ppl and kidna shut down sometimes so this was a much better outcome than expected. Not perfect, but I was relaxed most of the time which is GREAT. Oh and I’m gonna start an 6-8 week program with a dog trainer with Maisie, bc she’s developed a few “problems” in the past few months, (mostly it’s just that some of the behaviors we trained for weren’t well proofed, so it’s all messy now, nothing huge tho, it’s jsut annoying on walks mostly) bc I wasn’t as consistent or got stuck with training at some point bc I can’t really see what I’m doing wrong myself, so I’m really excited about that! 

Oh, and I’m giving myself some time to not work or look for a job, bc I never let myself take a break with work bc it makes me extremely anxious when I know I’m not able to work yet but then I think I *have to* just bc everyone else is working and financially taking care of themselves (which is not entirely true and ppl who I compare myself to are mostly mentally and physically healthy so...). I’m lucky enough to have some savings and bf’s got my back too, so I can afford this work break rn. So I guess this is all kind of looking up right now..

On the other hand, my grandpa is getting more and more passive like generally in life, has some sort of psychotic-like episodes at night sometimes and he’s prob not gonna live very long, at least that my family thinks. And my bf’s mom had a cancerous tumor in her colon, which has been removed already, but she’ll prob have to do chemo too. She doesn’t wanna talk about it either and jsut wants to tell everyone that everything is fine but it isn’t, like, you have cancer, maybe tell someone and let us help if we can.... I mean but ok, everyone deals w stuff in their own way I guess. the grandpa thing isn’t as worrisome to me bc I’m not very close to him and it’s more natural, like he’s been healthy and p happy all his life.. Bf’s mom on the other hand worries me a lot. She’s so helpful and kind, ofc she has her flaws but she’s a wonderful person and I really hope she’ll be ok. 

Anyways tho, I’m trying to stay hopeful, bc a LOT of cancer petients survive and live well (like my grandma, she’s had breast cancer 3 yrs ago and seems to be doing really well now) + she’s a doctor herself and I’m hoping she caught the tumor in the earlier stages and has more chances to live. And she knows doctors so she’ll definitely get very good treatment. 

So my goals are to become more active again, be a bit more social, do more dog training and other things I like, finish my last semester of my bachelor’s psychology program in spring/summer, write my bachelor’s thesis in a year (or before if I’ll have to, I guess) AND get well enough to finally get the puppy #2. 

Tbh, the puppy motivates me the most by far, bc my education doesn’t really make me happy, but Maisie really does and I wanna explore more of the dog world with her and another pup. I don’t think I really want to work in the field of psychology anyways, I realized I’m much more drawn to jobs that involve dogs and are more hands on, but I have no idea how to get there atm. Dog stuff jsut makes me excited for life

[deanstits]

AU Fic Rec, Part 4

Modern AU

Buckle the fuck in children, this is going to be long and uhhhhhhhhh long.

Modern AU - Anything set in current day, but not in the SPN universe. A lot of the BDSM/sex worker fics fit into this category but obviously??? They belong on the ever important BDSM list. Duh.

Let’s get fuckin ready.

Part One - BDSM

Part Two - Sci-FI/Fantasy

Part Three - Historical Setting

____

1. The Last Great Race - Kicking it off with a bang. Cas is a reporter, he goes to Alaska to cover the Iditarod - the dog sled race. Dean is participating and so is Sam and there are so many huskies and also romance. It has a prequel time stamp. It is lovely and I love it and read this right now.

2.  Pies and Prejudice - This is on my Top 8, but it’s a Pride and Prejudice Great British Bake Off Modern AU Fusion. Dean is Liz and Cas is Darcy. Please read this it’s wonderful and also cake is involved.

3. Between The Lines - Fam, Okay, I thought this was going to be Garbage but it’s not. Environmentalist Cas gets in a twitter feud(!!!!) with Western Actor Dean and they make a bet to live in off the land for a week and it’s. Amazing. Enemies 2 frends 2 luvrs. Trust me.

4. And Then You Destroy Yourself - The only Non-BDSM College AU worth reading. Cas is a freshman, he joins the College Newspaper, there is drama and mystery and intrigue. And Gay. The underage drinking is bit cringe but it’s very in character for college students, so what r u gonna do.

5. Love In The Wild - This is a hilaaaaarious Reality Show AU. Dean goes on a dating show and does challenges and meets the luv of his life, u kno? What more do you need. There is sex.

6. Through Basin And Range - Yeee buddy, Road Trip Fic!!!!! Dean and Cas are there but have broken up and it’s rough, and Sam is there also but he is sexting Kevin for some reason. Cas is spending the summer working on a thesis for his Geology Masters (master of rocks), and Sam n Dean tag along. This story really is lovey. It’s only on LJ though, so. :/

7. Unintended - Lawyer Cas bids for Fire Fighter Dean in a date auction and honestly. The sex in this is so good, like I lost this fic for three years but still remembered The Scene (You’ll know the one, that shit is hardly ever seen outside of PWP). This fic is so slept on. You need to read it. I think they live in Washinton or something. Maybe NYC. I forget, I’m busy thinking about The Scene.

8. Your Heart Makes - Ok so there are Three Disney Land AUs in this fandom that I know of. One of them is garbage, one of them is pretty good, and the last is incredible and it’s ur lucky day because the incredible one is this one. Castiel suffers from pretty bad depression, and is just trying to get through life, day by day. Insert Dean w/ a heart condition. There’s love, there’s slow build, there’s disney ride hand jobs. It’s a good time.

9. Any Little Heartbreak - I just reread this one recently! Heart Surgeon Dean! Surgery Nurse Cas! Enemies to FWB to Lovers! It’s like Scrubs meets... some sort of medical drama. Whatever, it’s a trip, and Meg is so fun.

10. Bearing Point - This fic is lovely and fun and it’s construction Dean + restoration expert Cas. I have beef with this fic, in that the author made Dean gay, instead of bi or pan and for me, a huge bisexual with strong emotional ties to Dean’s bisexuality, it kind of grated on me a bit and ruined the immersion. But, if you’re not a big baby like me, this fic is lovely and wonderful and they literally build homes together and also get nasty.

11. For All You Young Hockey Players Out There, Pay Attention - SPORTS AU. I don’t like sports but SPORTS AU. Dean is a hockey person. Something something NHL. Dean plays the sports with his brother. They get a new player from russia, but Dean is >:( bc they traded out his bff so Cas is The Enemy. Enemies to grudging friends to lovers. Coming out. Homophobic confusion. This fic is wonderful and lovely and sports. If you love destiel and you love Check Please, then this is the AU for U.

12.  Fourth Time’s the Charm - Ooooooooh, age gap fic. Cas is a comic book artist, Dean is a fan who goes to conventions. He’s also a virgin. :) Here is a direct quote from the summary: ‘Dean shyly fumbles his way through his first real relationship.’ Literally what more do you need? Literally?

13. If At First You Don’t Succeed (Destroy All Evidence That You Ever Tried) - lmao this fic is ridiculous. Inspired by the HIMYM episode, the three days rule, Dean replaces his number in Castiel’s phone to test he’s not being too eager when he meets girls. sexting ensues and Dean is !!!!! Gay Panicked. I love it, read it now, it’s sexy.

14.  Prosopagnosia -  This one is Teen and Up, I know, I am shocked that I’ve included it too. But it’s such a sweet story. Castiel works in a Gas n’ Sip and he has a cognitive disorder that means he’s face blind. He can’t recognize anyone, which makes his blossoming relationship with Dean a bit complicated. But they work around it. The Impala plays an important role.

15. Run Boy Run - FAM OK FAM PLS. Blind! Dean wants to compete in the Boston Marathon, but he needs a guide people to help him navigate obstacles and the other contestants. Castiel’s brother signs him up and he’s reluctant, but then he meets Dean and uhhhhhhh it all works out. It’s so sweet. Read it. Teen and Up again??? I’m srry, but it’s really good.

16. Yellow - Here’s another I haven’t read yet, but. It’s Elizabeth1985 and also it’s Cas in Witness protection and the excerpt I read places it firmly on my favourites list. Ex-mobster Cas, They are bartenders, there is falling in love, there is also fucking yeaaaa buddy, back on the sexy bandwagon.

17. Rough Seas - Dean is a Lieutenant Commander who moves home with a toddler and he’s involved with the Coast Guard, and he used to know Cas but there was gay panic and so things are tense and angsty and wonderful and this fic is amazing. SLOW BUILD. LOVERS TO ENEMIES TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS. Literally the best. There is a sequel which is almost as long. This fic is so lovely.

18. Asunder - This fic my guys, this fic. Please send help. Social Worker Dean. Recovering Heroin addicts Sam and Ruby who are getting married. They go to Bobby’s for the wedding. I forget how Cas fits in but he’s there and it’s lovely and so well written and wonderful and honestly? A Classic. If you read anything from this list, read this fic.

19. Satin and Sawdust - Lmao u guys u know me. Dean in panties love story. It’s on my Top 8. There’s capentry, there’s gay panic Cas, there’s satin and lace and soft cotton and also Dean has two cats. Read this right now.

20. Living In Agony - THIS FIC MY GUYS. I had three people read it from my Top 8 and they all died and met me in heaven bc i also died when I read it bc it is so. Lovely. Angst, mental illness, teachers Cas and Dean, Gabriel and Charlie are there also, Jess is a delight, Sam is in love with green smoothies, the sex is ridiculous (there is one line that helped shape me as a person and you will know which it is and you can blame this fic for all of the absolute filth that comes out of my brain. Read this right now.

21. Inevitable Homoeroticism in Spanish Romantic Heroes - :) Okay so Dean is a Grad student and Cas is a professor and it’s academic and sexy and not really a college au and I read it like four years ago and I still think about it. I suggest it very highly!!!

22. Get Some - Dean is in college and needs a place to live. He goes to live with Castiel, at the stoner house. Gay Panic happens and there are drugs and loads of casual sex and it’s honestly a good time. A bit angsty but mostly thumbs up muy bueno.

23.  That Summer - Short and sweet, lost love, this fic is so lovely and wonderful. It does feature an age gap with underage Dean so, if that’s not your bag... He is 17 at the time. Farmer Cas! Love and exploring sexuality!

24. Rvr Ro11435 - Destiel works at Nasa!!! Neither are astronauts but they are smart cookies who help send people to space. It’s tagged as an office romance. It’s cute.

25. The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Chlamydia - One night stand. Dean gets an STD. Has to find his boo and tell ‘em about the STD. There’s fun sex and love and one of them is a baker and the love is so sweet and I love this fic. And I’m psure Cas gets a cat.

26.  Say a Prayer and Light a Candle - College AU where Cas struggles with dating agnostic Dean bc he is very Jewish, and it’s important to him and his family. This fic is special, and really culturally rich. I love it. Little bit of Angst, mostly love and sweetness.

27. Painted Angels - Fuck u this one is hurt of my heart. The Angst is Unreal. Dean is an artist. Or, he was an Artist. Lost Love, which gets found again. Cas returning to town a decade later. All the good shit.

28. Small Town Charmer - SMALL TOWNS! DEAN AND CAS! THEY RUN BUSINESSES AND FALL IN LOVE! Errrrrrr OTHER STUFF HAPPENS! This fic is lovely and great and if you don’t read it then u a dum dum.

29. Summer Holds a Song (We Might Sing Forever) - :) Age difference. Body worship. Dean Winchester described as a Greek God. The fucking is so hot. The love is so sweet. It’s short, but you gotta read this.

30. The Great Escapist - This fic is so sweet. College roommates Dean and Cas spend the summer together and fall in love. I don’t remember if there is Gay panic but like... I’m pretty sure.

Okay! 30 seems like enough. Maybe in the future I will do a part five. We’ll see. :)

____

Top 8 Personal Favs

[get-the-treasure]

school log #1

9-5-17

Happy last ‘first day of high school’ I’m finally a senior let’s fuck shit up.

Assembly: i came in and first went to hug taylor cause jahsbfjfaks i havent seen her all summer nd did i tear up? yeah kind of lmao i missed taylor sm what a gem. then i went by like. the squad (for memory reasons: ???? ppl on the side, jade, bean, yadi, eren, rye showed up, dalon showed up, sammy showed up, ashley showed up, might be missing someone?). eren gave me a bitching smoothie (bless ty) nd i think we all just talked like we normally would. its nice to just slip into normal conversation with people wou havent seen in what feels like forever.

Hour 3 (Homegroup): sat in hg for like 2 hours. we got some new freshman of whom i only can name 3 because i missed the others names. nd i also only kno one of the sophomores by name cause i forgot the others. maybe we should talk w maya sometime? ive seen her around a few times and she looks like shes mostly alone? we got our lockers too. sike some middle schoolers took our lockers and now we have to wait until tomorrow to figure out if we can get them b a c k. then i knocked over the smoothie eren gave me nd like a little came out but not much so um thanks god. we filled out this helping sheet thing that were going to be checked on every monday soooo better keep up on work i guess. also there was a lot of talk of grilled cheese up the ass???

Hour 1 (AP Bio): i turned in my poster board and we just went over the same rubric we went over when i signed up for the class smh. doesnt seem like itll be hard tho? sammy might have to drop it if she doesnt do her entire thing over and turn it in tomorrow and even then he might say no. so heres to hoping. also sabastion sat by our table nd honestly w h y do we have to have mutual friends i hate my life.

Hour 2 (ROPE): went over like oNLY the autobiography part of the rope packet tbh. also amy said we should know who our thesis paper advisors are but 1. i didnt even know what the thesis paper was and 2. the day ended and i still have no idea who my thesis advisor is weLL GUESS ILL SUFFER. im worried i wont have a good autobiography and that i wont be able to keep up with rope, but if i just dont goof around (lol) then it shouldnt be a  w  f  u  l. i notice a big student mood is being like ‘i want to die’ when school starts but christ its not rlly that bad? u get a normal ish sleep schedule, its easier to hang out w friends imo, and the work isnt even that hard you just have to pay attention and do it. it kind of bugs me honestly when school breathes and someones like THIS IS THE WORST THING ON EARTH FUCK SCHOOL FUCK ALL THE WORK THIS SUCKS cause its literally not that bad if you just idk. dont goof off all the time. sometimes u can goof off im sure everyone does sometimes. just. do ur work nd dont get so uppity about it. also idk if nyone will even read these but this isnt directed at anyone.

Hour 4 (English 12): our class is huge lmao. sammy and i got seats by jimmy, josselin, and ariel but i think eren wants us to get to class earlier tomorrow so we can sit together w yadi at the back of the room. but we get out of hg when peter lets us out soooo we cant rlly control when he lets us out.

Lunch: there was a lil spider where i sit so i kind of shooed him away so i could sit and i ended up cramping a lot. the worst part abt school imo is the chairs are just as hard as the floor and i have awful pelvis issues so my entire lower half starts to freeze and lock up and it hurts rlly bad getting up or shifting after sitting still for a while, so i fidget a lot and shift positions a lot so i can try and reduce the pain. nyways i played music nd sidney nd alexis sat down by us and theyre really quiet (whenever i would see them in the halls on the way to class and they had a free hour or it was lunch nd id see them they were always quiet then too) and sidney left her chapstick and i hope she remembered to grab it (i told her at the assembly at the end of the day because i forgot to grab it to give back to her). i cant rlly remember what else happened honestly??? thats of noting at least.

Hour 5 (Free): eren and i are probably going to sit in michelles room for this hour since she has chairs and 3 hours in a row on the floor is going to bust my ass so bad. eren started doing work but we ended up just talking and eating and listening to a vine comp.

Hour 6 (Free): sammy came down and we did basically the same as the previous hour but more talking and laughing. i cant remember what we talked about tho?? or nything else?? (edit: we tlaked about fucking and spanx)

Hour 7 (Government): eren sammy nd i had put our stuff down in michelles room early to save our spots (but i bet ill be the only one still at the table tomorrow because they have to go to the front) and then eren nd i left to go to the bathroom then fill sammys water bottle and by the time we came back in michelle was like ‘please arrive on time’ like 1 we were in here first nd 2 the bathroom was packed nd were supposed to go between classes i couldnt piss any faster thanks tho. we got the syllabus and an intro to the class/classroom and thank god jared isnt in this class fuckkkk. also we have to do debates like in front of the class?? no t h a nk you i hate it

Hour 8 (Advanced Drawing/Painting): we just sat around ny amy was like ‘heres what well do’ but ariel sammy nd i basically talked the entire time we all know how art works.

Assembly: a final assembly to wrap everything up with all grades together (since middle nd high had separate assemblies this morning) and i dont kno if we got any important information i think it was just things only 6th graders nd new students need to know cause we hear the same spiel every year. then i guess we all left??? 

After School: my dad picked me up and hell be picking us up every day from now on (unless like smthn comes up u kno its whatever). he didnt say anything on the ride home unlike when he and mom would both pick us up and theyd both ask a lot of questions. i thought he was angry and i ended up being right. he and my mom got into a bad argument she told me later on and now shes changing the locks so he doesnt have a key. its kind of upsetting how she said i should be civil with like whoever my parents may end up dating nd the entire family and whatnot but she (vise versa) cant even be civil with him or the rest of our family so??? nice example you set for your kids, parents. anyways my dad is also apparently switching up stuff he says like what hell pay and what theyll keep asset wise and how theyd cooperate for our sake and now hes changing what he said during court and all this mess and i feel like hes doing it to spite my mom but hes also spiting us in the process because we rely on our mom. ughhhhh this is stupid difficult to deal w id rather just not have to hear this stuff but moms always on the phone talking about anything and everything and were forced to hear. nyways lol

[castlehead]

[CAPARISON'D]

There is no judgment slightly more than kind Now left that wld apply to this suggestive thing

Artlessly done as it is, but like the Earth is artless, Myself the experience of the Earth I have, or

Rather, am able to communicate; sometimes Nothing more than that, and in those cases feel

I am but shavings of selfhood, not so held fully in A Physical Body, yet not even able to accurately

Imitate reality outside of my a priori orb: I always Fail to bring it back: example is one time I was

Supposed to buy pot for this trip to this dude I used To know's house in Martha's Vineyard but thought

Cops / Were throwing shade where I was even tho Probably like one patrol car had driven past me

Or whatever, somewhere on Columbus on the stoop Of this brownstone out of many -it was an affluent

Neighborhood, a few blocks from my house- and Anyway paranoia got to me before the dealer, whose

Name -which was really probably more like a nickname- Was 'Talon' -yo, man.. it's been so long I'd thought of

That. I remember: I ghosted into the / Better, darker Shade of pregnant shade my room had, the one I used

To hate and love at the same time, and which my irritated             Mother oft wld clean up for me, and which smelt of humiliation,

Like a group of people opening your door and immediately Stepping in dog vomit -I feel indifferent about it as I am older

Now, and it's been two years since I dropped The ball and fell out of a window- I mean / Chicken'd

      Out of getting the Pot.- The monotony is I almost Do get it, every time, stuffing it furiously

Into a fannypack i always lose, bc I must lose, it / Then End up having to purchase more fannypacks: o ugly futility: it is

                                        Like when my gf and I lost our wallets pretty  Sequentially, like, within the space of a week, the way

    We [both of us] lose our minds, certainly, every day: and the spirit of-- Reality? It goes and expires, the schmuck, from exposure in snowy

                 Caverns after my 9th goddamn Fannypack. / It hid so long Within the ear and don’t come out but

        As such, by its knotty refusals, tells me how meaning sounds: Now what’s the story here: these heroes, makars, tune

        Up me, leave me a lyric without an epyllion, an extended Sequence of spongy self-regard that grows in the heart of

These strange routes to find my wallet, yet much like         Exposure to cold climates, mayest I find where

Nestles this goon what who stole my griefy solemness

Took my schedule for my weeping: I must meet   My grief-quota, and pushing myself into my findings

I perform more experiments with beakers and shit   But in vain seem to leave my sanity figuratively burnt

In the corner, ignore her either bc I find her precious Or bc I am neglectful, and usually ignorant 

OF the long-time effect of loosening yr circadian Rhythm, which I guess would be apposite to The rhythm of when it was time to cry in public.

Finagling finesse, or robbing silence Of hours and hours / Of record.

Which one is worse? And are either Productive? And will Vaping give

Me early onset Dementia? I don't want to be A dull boy. I feel like buried beneath the concrete

Built of all great men Looms the rind of the thing,

The res' residue of Gd. That prays away inside all heroes

Like the precious goop inside a jelly Donut, a goop or honey / They seem

To acquire endlessly from caverns of perspective As sound the mechanical counting thuds of heart.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

Of all the spooky diameters these figures tell me To follow till the finish, / These podunk palings

Are the worst. Stretching up the road indeterminately            To someplace / Out of sight and that

The poet is not even sure is actually there. The thing you have done, the court of bees in

My head tell me, While you do not mind a response To this yet you tiptoe / Over that, puts pressure on

The work of a gaggle / Of random bros that can clone Themselves / Sifting into creation like wild atomic dust.

I hear this propounding from the court of bees, Crones lift up the light to me like strange furniture,

Double over under its [wait] weight and drop that Massive coffin of light into the local undrained swamp.

                              In that fabulous mire will yr body sleep; you will always               Harbor / In your chest that detailed yet subtle truth about you nobody

Knws about for certain, the thing you had no choice to Be, that blurs yr eyes, I speak of it you, saith the swarm.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

Honestly, write as speech of moment, yeh: Stuff about / The time passing, your thighmuscles

Clenching as you sit here realizing u clench Yr ass too, and then everything goes

Into this goofy rhythm of tearsdrops of moment And the same your toes, / Some anxiety hoping

To accelerate the past / From you and your palings. Surrounding you, as if to jump you for money-

-Flits the doom that could fit in like I didn't in Highschool; yes I became the cliché misfit as

The spirit’s lull in me, waiting for shitty misfit Carnage to end: I had to welcome it, it was

The life of me, it was either that or liberation From life-entire. Almost dozing off, the security

    Guard in my brain hears a rustling in the bushes. / Try                             To deck out these pithy voices in something

Nice and acceptable, a'saith, said The Bees, and Said the Bees, End up shaking no crown, / Nor did free myself

Of anything for nothing at all but what I did, a crime that Is, of being th the hellish flower flowering out my Lungs, into your basic realm with every breath,

As the voice of the speaker Of the pome seems undecided on who

Is actually speaking, me or you, I'd say The only thing to do is duel it out, poet

And the carnage in my hands, coming In frank whorls of feeling that efface

My sense of balance with its own glee Of shaky grip, which I trust, and I boil

With the energy / Of fifteen Wellbutrin today. I am left here to my work that's called, "To be all

The way true with myself" Which comes From this very domepiece here, you all. That I-

-Can ever be an audience to myself, forever, Is enough of an accomplishment as a poet.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

The writing, tho, is another voice telling me about Myself, knocking on my skull for hollow spots

To take a sledgehammer to. It drifts, I think, / Thru many People, explaining whatever's holy around them: like ticks

Finding weeds by the broken gate That grow in an unnatural sort of way like

        They got sprayed with chemicals Or something, though,

Perhaps the ground is bad, by the broken gate. Where I make my desolate way to work,

                                 Have my desolate work done, or to say, this crime:            I say my continuum: I despoil my ego, sure, but that is not the crime. I-

-Intend the risk, but have in me some coward Pushing back, repeatedly asking me if I'm

Crazy or something: suddenly I am fallen To the breaches of the World, so as to find

My Gd., the one that is the baroque one, And wriggle about as if I was a child on her

First plane ride: my ears hurting popping Cabin pressure and hellish something

Outing my innermost / What if's about The Baby; so it, like conjuring a thesis

Statement, shapes something of all That contradicting Clay into

Something my inner nobody can handle, frail as he is he Lays muted, finally attached to the beauty / Of the flower

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

In my lungs. Go inside an Outside place, something says,

Permeating thru a fog of voices, Pieces, The bees they are long gone,

And I am not alone: so: notice Yr location, detail by detail,

The plain sense here is there: My symmetry is more than bothered air:

It is calls to me made by the telephone: I listen patiently to the dialtone as it weeps,

All things then taking on a character of Consciousness. I apply my consciousness

To others, like ravens do maybe. And then It is / Almost done, as is the inching doom:

I should b at this moment receiving Nourishment from feeding Tube, A coma patient suspended in Unbroken sleep, loved ones hoping He'll waken to his will again, Those I love / Doubly forsaken By me who thought he ws. forsaken

By the World.-- This perpetuity is a moody little fate I have in me, It is the location I notice, like you said, you, thru The fog. Happy? Now it won't leave. It is like A mouse i'the wainscot [Dickinson] / Telling me Myself, poet or perhaps the man, or the opening sun Once more to strange and futile dawns since since I do live, and live: so I am: and I have my own

Special clan of becketts picking Sundries from their asses

Soothing my jagged impressions of the World With familiar image, smoothing like a ironing Board; and, they keep policing the fictions on Which rest the reasoning behind my writing Behavior, why I did a song so very long.

. .  .   .   .     .      .       .        .          .

"Old father old artificer Stand me now and ever in good stead." Rough the linens on my deathbed are, and scratchy, It's wool I always hated the texture of when I was A kid: now of course, am a Loathing Regular of All On the internet, / Intent on memes to the last, he was, That's what it'll say on my epitaph. / In all my strength I say, then, or entreaty my messd up life disappear into

The dawn that I think has something wrong With it, it seems like it is kind of off, like People who are confined in boarding houses For the mentally ill. From my screaming Radio I hear someone selling Cadillacs. It Was not midnight. It was not raining. It was The fence that was my crime, outstretched Into stupid distances like a Wyoming of the Dirty cosmos, dirtier than silence cures the Exegete. I profit sentence by sentence, see,

And the Ars Poetica is a way to send a treatment Of the play to The Hollywood. Sentence is a line Robbing my habitat, until I am inside looking in, For the sky stops at the ground, and that is all. The mirror falls, and I must write out savage Things like this, that make up their mind About what they are, interest only

In keeping symmetrical. My soul needs exit From any light, even of lamp, it needs a Hypnotic Like Ambien to trip out on and slump over Dinner with my family later, still fucked up on It. Then something stops, not time, I do Not want it to be anything like time. Perhaps Verbosity: but I do comment

On epiphanies well enough to know the sound OF epiphany, without knowing what exactly The sudden clarity reveals. Did one look at What one saw, or did one see what

One looked at? -Thats me stealing from Hart Crane. Great artists steal because they see

How a style can be improved, so adopt it, make It better. Such sins amass; the Angels sing, O Theft!

Theft! And I go ahead plant a knife enough a knife for some Australian guy to say, "THATS A KNIFE." But not

Enough to charge anybody with anything, then somehow Twist it into a hate crime, duly distracting The Angels

From their liminal matters of blame upon me I am / Not thieving, I am making belated what Came before me, sort of like Mars in retrograde;

The stiff providence of fences and unlimited Bougie refernces atone for my ubiquitous use

OF all the best parts of everything, to make them Better than they were, written by those

Who wore a style like a 18th century noble Wears a musket: protectively. He honors most My steal, sorry, i mean style, who works under it-

-To destroy the teacher, saith Whitman, But that is love: all he didnt have was a hand On the button ol Kimmy J is foaming at the mouth

To push, destruction is abstraction, sure; Destruction here is used loosely for the sake of Serenity of speaking phrases gone away

Like they all went on a family vacation or something. Bleed, and you will summon presence enough To empty yourself for sleep [Faulkner] or make An infidel of abraham and Split the-

-Planets [Melville] and this cosmos is a trunk Of Blanche Dubois fine french furs, I bet you think this is

That, as on I go in a struggle to prove to everyone That I saw God & junk, on that day I got high On SSRIs and grasped for sense only to find it Under the control of something espionage And aloof, darting eyes not like a villain

But like a Paranoid Raven, then dies me as opposed To not: Reversal of some happy bumps in the day To make up for all the spooky ones in the night That hint at me like the first oncomings of ALS And I have not a feature film but hope the grass Is green as well on this margent of further sides Then abrupt belief, to dive in an' conquer or Repel sense back to Plato's Cave, which is a-

-Reference I shouldnt be using as I oh puritanical collector Of souls, well, I havent read Plato at all but i feel like if i did

Id be made another mans satellite, as Emerson, Somewhat in the vein of Blake, says in his introduction

                     To the essay Nature, I think that's the one. So: A hawk crosses the sky like there was some

A to B GPS followment but it is probably just migrating early. Take everyone back to the city. [Ashbery]

FURTHERANCE

[sonicenvy]

help me choose a major bcs i can’t decide for shit

the facts are these:

1. I’m good at reading stuff really fast, and analyzing tf out of it and talking about it for 10000000 years

2. I’m rlly rlly bad at actually writing papers and handing them in. like I failed a lit class I really liked bcs i couldn’t fcking turn in a single paper all semester.

3. I’m terrible at all science stuff ever

4. I can 5% do computer things but my school doesn’t offer that as a thing anyways

5. I can make lots of bad art, and i have all this technical knowhow but...

6. there is a 0% chance that my parents would let me stay at school if I even thought abt trying to do art -- mostly bcs im not very good at it and all

7. I’m kinda hardcore struggling with the readings and work for my international studies / geography course

8. I failed the only history course I took even though i rlly like reading history things and can talk abt them/whatnot for 1000000 years. I failed this class bcs I could never never never write any kind of research paper.

9. The only research paper i did ever turn in was one for my fys and i got like a c on it and i turned it in 1000000 years late

10. I’m just a general struggle time as a student. like im a hot steaming mess of a person that can’t turn anything in on time to save my fucking life.

11. I haven’t taken a single math course since high school. I’m garbage at any kind of basic math. I can kinda do theoretical math crap, I mean I got a 4 on the AP calculus exam, so I guess im like 5% competent here

12. My music theory comprehension and blah is like low level at best, and reading half notes on a scale is just hell for my brain. shit moves around and makes no sense.

13. I still don’t know if school is like a good choice for me anyways, I’ve never been all that good at school. It’s probably bcs of that fun fun combo of 0 ambition, 1000% adhd, 5% motivation and anxiety up the ass

14. I apparently am too much of a stubborn butthead to ask for help when i need it even though there are literally 100000 million ppl who are always telling me i can ask them for help whenever i need to

15. also im apparently like all down for ruining anything even remotely decent in my life

16. and i have like a -50% desire to go back home and stay with my parents bcs the family tragidrama has notched up a level and i know that ill end up just wanting to die if i stay there

17. other reasons to stay in school: im completely unable to get a fucking job for whatever reason so i couldn’t support myself for shit

18. i actually like literature mostly

19. i rlly like my bad bad art

20. i wanted to do education stuff but my gpa isn’t high enough for that and now i think maybe there’s no way i’d have been able to do that anyways 

21. im terrified of writing a thesis, which for my school everyone has to do ??? unfair tbh

22.  i havent taken any classes in film or philosophy. philosophy mostly out of disinterest and film idk 

23. i think maybe i should just do art as a minor or smthng bcs i like it but im not good enough at it to actually ya’ know major in it or w/e

..... uh ..... there’s more but im braindead now

[lattebooks]

a list of things that happened while im ia:

● i saw LANY live [by MYSELF; i finally crossed out smth big on my bucket list yay ! 04/05/18]

● i finished 11th grade w honors

● turned 17 last may 2nd

● going in and out of my comfort zone [when it comes to clothing]

● met some of my soulmates aka my friends [luv them so much]

● kinda learned how to do my eYeBrOwS

● discovered my love for dakasi

● i realized that i actually hate matcha flavored anyth

● finished f.r.i.e.n.d.s in the midst of doing my thesis

● did WELL while defending my thesis !!

● lost my 1k on ig but thats ok i suck anw lol

● saw ivos [w unik] and ben&ben live !! [03/14/18] 💖

● we adopted a new cat; shes a she, i named her jellybean [bcs of jughead and now i regret it bCS I DONT EVEN WATCH RIVERDALE ANYMORE UgH]

● finally accepting my body and skin [kind of, but im getting there !! 💖]

these are just a few but this will do haha, its good to be back !! anw, ill be posting more stuff that i wrote or photos that i took or anything that i want to share/ im proud of— solitudelisha.tumblr.com : )

[healthylifepage]

MOTIVATE YOUR EARS!

This is a short post-ette on seeking out acoustic motivation, in whatever form works for you! I’ve written extensively on the importance of setting goals, checking in on oneself, and measuring progress, but I believe that to achieve all of this, motivation is something that must be sought out every single day; as Zig Ziglar observed, ‘People often say that motivation doesn’t last – well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily!’. I wanted to share with you one of the major ways in which I encounter and extract health and fitness motivation on a daily basis. The best bit is that you can do it anywhere, anytime and it costs nothing – whilst commuting, walking to work or the gym (my favourite), whilst cooking, cleaning or even whilst working. Podcasts not only deliver awesome and focussed motivation, but they’re informative and keep me entertained. As with everything, there are parts of certain pods I agree with and others I don’t, but it’s always interesting to hear different views. I’m broadening my horizons whilst accomplishing things I might not have wanted to accomplish, spurred along by this! Click MORE to see my top podcasts and my two items that deliver me pure audiophile bliss

First up, a small confession; I’m an audiophile! Like many, I find music to be such an evocative force, it can bring me to tears of joy and then sorrow, and back to joy again within mere minutes. My ears constantly crave high sound quality, and to that end my friends at Amazon made something pretty incredible happen via their #ShoptheFuture store: I am the very proud owner of a pair of Japanese hand-crafted Sony MDR-Z1R ultra-high-def headphones, which is the acoustic equivalent of a petrolhead procuring a Ferrari F40. The rendering of sound is quite literally as good as I’ve ever heard, throughout the entire register, with a warm rich bass, perfectly balanced by crisp trebles and impossible amounts of character and presence in between. They reveal details I’ve simply never heard in familiar songs, so that I can enjoy my favourite motivational tunes in the best quality I’ve ever experienced.  It is delicious, sumptuous audio quality, and parallels eating chocolate with your ears! Not only that but the butter-soft sheepskin padded muffs almost make you weep with the comfort – this is gearhead utopia. Having a huge array of diverse playlists to cycle through, consisting of new tunes, old favourites, up-tempo genres, and chill out standards – all of which enthuse and energise me, is a necessity. Training in a gym at 06:00 can at times feel lonely, but having someone wailing in my ear about their latest breakup in 4-part-harmony in HD clarity is like having a good friend giving you that extra bit of drive! 

Another favourite is heading down to my local park at sunset and just busting out some Beyonce to get me through an outdoor session! For this purpose, I’ve been experimenting with the Bose Soundlink Revolve Bluetooth speaker, which is perfectly suited to the task. It’s cradle rechargeable, instantly connects to my phone first-time-every-time, and delivers 360-degree sound with substance and presence. From something so small and readily portable, I am super impressed with the punch from this little package – perfect for when you and a few mates decide to go for a park session!

WHAT DO I RECOMMEND BY WAY OF PODCASTS?

Well, there’s always the classic TED Talks Health. If through some misfortune, you’ve not encountered TED Talks, they’re short erudite soliloquies lasting approximately 18 minutes or less. The TED Talks Health show some different subjects varying from body image, motivation, mental illness and nutrition.

There are so many to listen to, but some of my choicest favourites that have made quite an impression on me:

Sandra Aamodt: Why Dieting Doesn’t Usually Work (see item #69 in the list that comes up)

Why fitness is more important than weight – Leanne Spencer, at TEDxWandsworth

One which touches more perhaps on organization (a key ingredient for goal setting) and one of my favourites; partly because it’s so funny and if you have a tendency to procrastinate you’ll relate. http://ift.tt/1nLYZeo

And a key talk, Simon Sinek’s ‘Why, How, What’ thesis, which rose to prominence in his celebrated TEDx talk, about which I wrote in my recent post HERE.

ALSO, HERE ARE 4 MORE GEMS…

Shredded by science Radio – Humorous but scientific. It’s informative and makes light of another wise at times; industry; which takes itself very seriously and is riddled by ego.

Food for Fitness – Scott Bapties a Physique and sports nutritionist discussed diets, food shows, training.

Podrunner – I recently discovered this is a podcast channel that’s established for 10 years+, and which delivers free music for anyone training – running, power-walkers, weight training etc. I find that anything between 120-130bpm (ideally 128) is ideal for the purpose! Power it out on the Bose Soundlink and you’re in business

Barbell Shrugged – Find up to 250 episodes which interviews experts in specific different fields. It’s super informative and the sort of stuff which can be super helpful to improve your training. There’s a lot of x-fit stuff but also a lot of other bits too – something for everyone.

Enjoy the tunes & learnings!

Faya x

Liked the products? Buy them here: – Sony MDR-Z1R ultra-high-def headphones – HERE – Bose Soundlink Revolve Bluetooth speaker – HERE

______________________

This post is a sponsored collaboration with Amazon as part of their #ShopetheFuture campaign. For more about why I take on such projects, please see my DISCLOSURE page. Thank you. 

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