#based off the idea of an imperfect god... like what happened to the god in uk? imperfect

[keideez]

Idolatry

Please click for better quality

[justabigoldnerd]

Thank you so much @cha-melodius for the tag!!!!

So because where I'm at in TFSTTTWLTWIA is......spicy..... I'll give you a snippet from one of two Library AU fics I plan to write, both based on things that have actually happened at my job 😆 Shout out to @yallwildinrn for throwing ideas back and forth with me for the second one, and to the fic "Scenes From Bay Ridge Public Library" by @too-young-to-fall-in-love (StuckIn85 on Ao3) for showing me that there is indeed a way to shove my blorbos into a library setting LMAO

"Never Fall In Love With A Stranger"

His brow is knit in concentration and he is bent over the desk, carefully applying a protective adhesive cover to a paperback. The barely-blue button up he wears is rolled up to his elbows, and as he shifts his weight to readjust, Illya's eyes are drawn down across his broad shoulders to where the shirt dips at the small of his back. The dark navy slacks he's wearing hug his form, and good lord, does he have the ass and thighs of a Greek God. He's tall, too; towering over his coworkers like Illya does. His hair, styled out of the natural curl Illya can see hints of, is black as ink, and a silken lock has fallen free into his eyes. Illya finds that he wants to gently tuck that strand back into place and that terrifies him. What terrifies him more is when Joanna returns and directs the stranger's attention to Illya. Illya's heart drops into his stomach. The stranger flashes him a smile that nearly knocks Illya off his feet, then approaches the computer closest to him. “Hey there, what can I help you with today?” he rattles off a clearly rehearsed script. “Uhm,” Illya swallows down the lump in his suddenly dry throat, “I am going to heritage department. Don't need help.” The stranger's eyes widen almost imperceptibly at Illya's voice, no doubt surprised by his still-thick accent. They're a deep shade of blue, like the Baltic Sea, but in that imperceptible widening, Illya thinks he could see an imperfection in one. The pupil a size larger, maybe. It's hidden away again too fast for him to make it out. “Well,” the new face drawls in a tone that says that Illya has been quiet for far too long, “Let me know if that changes.”

I want you all to know that I got this particular idea while at work and didn't have my phone so I had to scribble it down on a piece of scratch paper and hide it in my pocket 😆

Transcription: "Library AU: Solo = Library Reference Assistant / 5 + 1 Times Illya sees him bend over / First is putting cover on book"

No pressure tagging @yallwildinrn @huggiebird @pippinoftheshire @nicijones @heytheredeann and anyone else who wants to join!!!

[super-hero-confessions]

Okay. I don't understand how it's gotten to this point with fans pulling made up shit about Loki from their asses but no.

NO.

Loki is not POC coded. He's not Jewish coded. He's not neurodivergent coded or whatever the fuck else.

HE IS 100% NORSE.

BASED OFF A NORSE TRICKSTER GOD WHO IS A KNOWN LIAR AND POT STIRRER THAT FUCKS WITH PEOPLE FOR FUNSIES.

CREATED BY NORSE FUCKING WHITE ASS WHITE PEOPLE WHO KNEW ICE AND SNOW AND FROST TO BE FUCKING DEADLY.

HE IS NOT "OTHER".

HE'S AN ASSHOLE WHO ENJOYS BEING AN ASSHOLE AND HAS ALSO SUFFERED SOME HARDSHIP BECAUSE HE IS SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES AND PLAYS RIGHT INTO THAT HAND.

Big. Fucking. Whoop.

ALL GODS IN ALL CULTURES ARE NEEDLESSLY CRUEL AND NEEDLESSLY SUFFER BECAUSE THEY WERE SYMBOLIC AND MADE TO EXPLAIN WHAT PEOPLE COULDN'T FULLY UNDERSTAND.

LOKI IS NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE HE RAPES A HORSE.

But you know what that really means? Loki plays into the cycle of abuse just like a normal person and then goes on and makes it worse by dishing it out on unrelated people who never did anything to him. Like, I dunno, all the goddamn humans he kills?

He's that psycho kid with a psycho dad who tortures ants because he can't find healthy ways to cope and it doesn't get much deeper than that.

Stop making shit up that.

EVEN IF IT WERE TRUE IN ANYWAY WOULD NEVER EXCUSE HIM BEING A GENOCIDAL MANIAC WHO CARES NOTHING FOR HUMAN OR JOTUN LIFE YOU FASCIST ILLITERATE FUCKS.

AND GUESS WHAT. LOKI OF MYTH NEEDLESSLY STARTS ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS WITH THE OTHER GODS BY GETTING BALDR KILLED.

If you have to write paragraphs upon paragraphs of made up bullshit you call meta and headcanons or whatever the fuck to defend the idea of liking this guy beyond the shallow fact that you would never dare go this hard for someone ugly or god forbid actual myth Loki?

You do not actually give a shit about the character. At all. Because you don't actually see the character. At all.

Personally, I love Loki for what he is. A dark grey chaos loving trickster diva and selfish asshole god that fucks with people for fun and gets the story rolling. All of that is what makes him fun as a character while paying appropriate homage to the stories he came from in a way that still feels respectful of what ancient cultures were trying to convey.

But I also love the actual good Loki that people write in fanfic sometimes.

I don't love the posturing people use him for to inadvertently spread misogyny or even white supremacy that slips under the radar because fandom can't accept that their shit does stink and there ARE bad actors.

It is okay to like or love Loki. It is okay to want things to be better for him or to be written better for him. It is okay to write fanfic where he is all of the things you want him to be.

It is not okay to culturally appropriate and deny what he is canonically with made up bullshit pulled from your ass to pretend that Loki was justified when he was ATTEMPTING GENOCIDE. And it is especially not okay to then have the audacity to deny the fact that Loki has pretty privilege.

Fuck you people doing this shit. At this point I prefer those that actually admit they like him because he's hot. Because at least they don't go rabid and are fucking HONEST with themselves about this shit and about his character.

And above all?

LOKI IS FICTIONAL.

PEOPLE DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION FOR DISLIKING OR HATING HIM. DOING SO IS NOT AN ATTACK ON YOU. THEIR EXISTENCE DOES NOT CHALLENGE YOURS AND THEIR PERSPECTIVES ARE JUST AS VALID.

JUST LIKE YOU DON'T OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION FOR LIKING HIM. YOU DON'T EVEN NEED ONE. BECAUSE HE'S FICTIONAL.

Have civil discourse and discussion if you want to, try and get more people to like Loki and see the lighter grey in him even. But you do that by being NICE.

Not by being a dismissive, denying, bullying asshole that then pretends you have the moral high road over ultimately meaningless. Fictional. Bullshit.

I guarantee a majority of people who hate Loki now? It's not because Loki is imperfect or the "other". It's because his stans do everything they can to be toxic, hostile, and in turn make him look bad.

Even Loki's never attempted to justify his attempts at genocide. Escape accountability, sure. But not justify it.

[mildlylesbian]

@biterflies I literally just say this reblog on this post now, so ignoring the fact I'm 2 months late - LET'S TALK ABOUT THE VOID

As I said in the other post, the void is a living entity that feeds off of players. It is basically the primary god of The End and has the same amount of consciousness as Mojang (the god of the overworld) and is able to create life.

The void is endlessly expanding. While it will not consume every dimension thanks to Mojang and its own free will, it is a force that never stops growing. Hence endless worlds. Its goal is not destruction but rather survival, and to do that it needs to keep consuming.

The Void did technically take over The End. The End is where The Void was born, and before Mojang realized it existed it destroyed much of the land there, rendering thousands of species extinct. Once it learned of the harm it was doing it stopped destroying The End, but continues to exist there and expand.

This is where we get to discuss what is and isn't a voidbeing. My definition of a voidbeing is a lifeform made in the modern day by the void. This wording is very deliberate, as there are ancient beings made of void who no longer exist and are not classified as voidbeings.

So Shulkers are not voidbeings. I imagine them to be descendants of an ancient species of floating sprites who began using shulkers as protection much akin to turtles or crabs, at some point having shulkers fuse with them so they may take them wherever.

Endermen also aren't voidbeings. Taking a note from one game theory video I watched, endermen are players that have been fully corrupted by the void. Aka, they died in the void too many times. This also explains why endermen exist in all dimensions because you can die in all dimensions via the void (with enough creativity and exploits). Most endermen were created when The Void destroyed The End, cause that destruction included a lot of players.

As for actual voidbeings. The modern-day version are made entirely of void but can manipulate their shape to an extent, allowing them to appear almost player-like - but it's never just right. They do not need to consume food, but are able to. They cannot survive on overworld air, and most importantly: they absorb light. If they are in a room that is fully lit it will appear pitch black due to the void being. This is important to my version of Xisuma and Evil X's lore, which I might expand on in the future...

Those are the only voidbeings believed to be alive today. Keyword: believed. In the past there were a lot of trial and error species made by The Void, ending in modern Voidbeings, and players believe all these 'test beings' died out due to being imperfect. The Players are wrong.

Mimics were one of the first life forms created by The Void, and any species that can shapeshift are believed to be based on them. They were a lifeform that could perfectly replicate anything they looked at, able to morph their body to resemble a player, mob, or even object. They fed off of players, destroying their code and making them unable to respawn, and were known to mimic loved ones and blend in with a community only to feed off them and kill them all. They went extinct hundreds of years ago... or did they? My onlinesona, Anura, is one of these extinct creatures, born from the leftover residue of voidbeings.

This isn't even mentioning my idea the voidbeings and mimics are made from the same recycled void, causing them to be made of dead mimic and voidbeings and having slivers of those ones memories. I have so much shit for these guys you have no idea.

That's all I can think about right now, please please please ask me more questions about my minecraft headcanons. Ask me about mobs, ask me about players, mojang, watchers, etc etc etc, even ask me about servers omg.

Also as always, this is canon to Of Songbirds And Watchers which is still gonna happen I just suck.

[freaky-munson]

Rude p.4

masterlist

Summary: Eddie Munson really wants to marry Y/n Hopper but her dad strongly refuses; based on song “rude” by MAGIC!

fic is kinda au

Warnings: a little bit of angst, mostly fluff

Words: 1,055

introduction part one part two part three part four here part five epilogue

~

To say at least, for the next few days after that botched and unknown to Y/n day, both Eddie and her dad were being weird. Weirder than normally.

Jim was constantly angry and frustrated. The amount of smoked cigarettes was incrementally rising. It could only meant that something bad has happened over the weekend. What also led girl to this conclusion was lack of Joyce’s visits. Did they have a fight? Did they break up?

It seemed almost impossible to middle Hopper; she could clearly see how much her father loved the Byers woman. She knew her father was short tempered but Joyce always had a way to put him down on the ground, what made them perfect in their imperfection.

It was like she was looking at Eddie and herself in the future, hoping the only thing that would be different was the ring on her finger and kids running around the backyard of their house.

On the other hand, there was Eddie. The energetic, funny and confident boy magically disappeared on their Saturday’s movie night. He was quiet, didn’t try to make any move on her - what always ended up by them having slow, passionate sex. It was like he was there physically but his mind was completely elsewhere.

At first Y/n was sure it was just exhaustion from work, knowing that lately he worked almost twice as much. But when on Wednesday after two days off Eddie was still this restrained version of himself, she started to worry.

So being the chief’s daughter she started to pry; she talked with Steve and Robin if they knew anything, then she visited Dustin with the same hope in her heart - but to her surprise no one heard from him since last Thursday when the had their monthly hangout.

Finally after not having any different ideas she went straight to her lover - communication being the key to good relationship.

When they had moment just for themselves, laying on Eddie’s bed, face to face, she began her mission.

“Eddie, baby” boy himself was again stuck in his head, barely reacting to his girl “Are you okay? And let me stop you there - if you plan to say that you are okay I will personally strangle you to death” hearing the kiddingly threats, he slightly smiled and brought one of his hand on her waist and pulled her to himself; immediately the girl snuggled into man’s chest, breathing in his wonderful smell of cologne, little bit of sweat and faint scent of weed and cigarettes; it was her favourite one, making her feel at ease, like home.

“I would like to see you try little one” smiling at the comment, she raised her eyes just to look at his.

“Please, I’m really worried. Is it uncle Wayne? Is he sick?”

“Baby, please, you have nothing to worry about. Uncle Wayne is great, he actually went on a date the other day. And I - darling I’m really fine. Just right now the work and band stuff is stressing me out a little bit.” Eddie hated lying to her; but what was he suppose to say to her ‘Your dad banned me from marrying you and actually prefers to die than give me permission to love you forever’? No, that didn’t enter the equation.

“I get it. But for the love of God, don’t shut me out. Talk to me when you’re down. I’m here for you. Always. I love you with my whole heart that much that I would even help you hide the body”

“Oh that’s actually good cause I have a dead man sitting under my bed” giggling softly Y/n cupped her boyfriend’s face in her small hands and kiss him sweetly on his inviting lips.

Even when his statement calmed her a little, in the back of her head she wasn’t 100% sure that the stress thing was the only case. However she didn’t want to annoy the boy with multiple questions; she knew that if Eddie wanted to talk to her about his gloomy self, he would come to her, as he always did, in his own time.

Regardless of her own reassurance that mean insecure monster inside her mind tried to convince her that Eddie stopped loving her. That Eddie cheated on her, making it the main reason why he was so distant all of the sudden.

It only grew when, after she forgetting her sweatshirt at the bottom of bed, she came back to Eddie’s trailer only to hear him on the phone.

“No, she can’t know about this. It’s better that way, it will save her from disappointment.”

Only hearing that last sentence, made her freeze. All of her rationality left through the window and made her listen to her own insecurities.

Right now that phone call was everything she had to hear to make what she was afraid of come true; in her head it turned out that she was right, Eddie has been cheating on her. At this moment she gladly would take the defeat of being wrong right into her open arms.

At the same time Eddie knew that Y/n was getting suspicious. He really tried to forget the weekend experience, but how could he? It was like a cold shower in the middle of the coldest winter. He was lost; just when he had perfect proposal, Jim Hopper burnt it to the ground, not even looking back. He was also stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea; he wanted that marriage so bad, but he also wanted Y/n to have good relation with her dad - and her agreeing to marry him definitely would burst their bubble.

And to make it even worse, he was left with these intrusive thoughts just by himself. Everyone knew that in the danger and stressful situations, he always ran. Right now, that wasn’t an option, the stake was to high.

So trying to make a decision, he suddenly remembered himself the other person able to help him with with Hopper. After Y/n’s goodbye, not wasting anymore time he called her. What he wasn’t aware of was that as much as it was saving him, at the same time it was also, not intentionally, destroying Y/n and making her heart shutter into pieces.

taglist

rude

@offical-bee @bakugouswh0r3 @nightthou

[attex]

PLEASE ELABORATE ON PK HAVING OCD IM INTRIGUED

okay its mostly me just vibing with it big time but . ill try . Primarily interpretation off of canon . bolded for closer to canon ideas or what eva

He ruminates on things constantly. That is more of a personality thing, but I imagine him having repetition based rituals with phrases. This happens with everything he does, all the time.

Say he's working on some constructs; there is always a constant chant he has to repeat to at least feel like things will work out at all. It's at the state of him not bothering to go against it (the worst state compulsions can be in, IMO). He does this with a low voice, others can hear him whispering to himself. This obviously causes a lot of lapses in concentration.

I imagine this also linking to his "odd" behavior- like refusing to be visible to the public. It isn't just a random quirk, there is a slight element of unease and paranoia aside from being socially ambivalent (related to not grasping the social norms of normal bugs). Too bad mate you're literally a god so people worship you LOL...

Crowds are overwhelming, the same applies to talking to normal bugs who don't act anything like you do. Not to mention obsessions spiking up when stressed out. Plus, if he is doing something "unnecessary", he won't be able to overwork himself to give in to the comforting certainty of a routine+ritual combo.

Another much heavier headcanon of mine; he takes notes of every single thing rigorously. Counting, timing and repeating yet again.

Back to the ruminating, I'll say things not standing the test of time is the thing he fixates the most on. It gets applied to everything, a constant fear induced obsession. Said obsession clouds judgement, no matter how rational he is.

Also, I doubt foresight applies infinitely, it must have a limit for certain. You could say foresight would make someone less anxious- however it could easily be a nightmare if you add in a bit of neuroticism.

I take his failure to accept (or avoidance of) temporality as an intrinsic fear of disarray and (perceived) imperfection since that is related to his primary obsession.

okay sorry if this is written horribly AND IS VERY DISAPPOINTING i feel like im a bit too sleep deprived to be coherent atm and i had such a hard time putting everything into words and even then this feels horribly incomplete and not enough . maybe later in the future i could write a more in depth interpretation analysis but idk . half of this is barely anything close to canon bcz even if theres so much shit about him theres also nothign about him at the same time its fucking insane i feel so much about him but also nothing about him . its lowkey hard af to put ocd into normal words and have it Look as punchy as it Feels for real because its nearly all irrational and even when it has rationality in it its drenched in deep falseness makign it very unclear . excuse me if he jsut sounds autistic as fuck (he just does in my brain plus a lot of obsessional and ritualistic behavior is easily tangled together in these two things anyways but thats besides the point) i might regret this later this sucks

[destinyimage]

Urgent Prophetic Warning: Don’t Be Deceived in These Last Days

We live in a charismatic generation that values experience over the centrality of God’s Word.

The call to pick up our cross and follow Jesus is not very appealing when we can run from revival service to another prophetic conference just to hear what our itching ears want to hear. In the midst of this crisis and deception, God is raising up voices like Parker Green to call us back to the place of discipleship that leads to simple and pure-hearted devotion to Jesus (2 Corinthians 11:3). It is such an urgent and necessary call in this late hour.

On my personal journey navigating through my love for revival and awakening, I have made three primary realities the basis for my Christian experience. I share them with you now in hopes that you might consider them in the days ahead.

1. The Church is a culture of truth, not a culture of feelings.

Timothy understood the dangers of building based off of our feelings and not the truth when he wrote and described the church: “the household of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and support of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15 NASB). John Piper describes his thoughts so eloquently on the challenge this generation is having concerning our feelings and the truth when he writes and says:

My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s Word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes—many times—my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that hap- pens—and it happens every day in some measure—I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth. [1]

It’s important that Christians understand that the way Jesus’ words make us feel emotionally is not a good gauge of truth (see Matthew 19:22-25). When we hear the Word of God taught and preached, our first question should be “Is this true?” not “How did it make me feel?”

2. You cannot separate Jesus from what He says and still have the real Jesus.

Many in this generation are falling in love with a god of their imagination, not the God of the Bible. They enjoy separating the person of Jesus from the words of Jesus, and this is error. Mark 8:38 (NASB) says, “For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words…the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him.” In John 12:48 (NASB95) Jesus again says, “He who rejects Me and does not receive My sayings, has one who judges him; the word I spoke is what will judge him at the last day.” In Luke 6:46 (NASB) Jesus makes it plain concerning this issue when He asks, “Why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?”

3. At the heart of discipleship is having our lives formed by God’s Word.

In John 8:30-47, we clearly see that the crowds had a lot of admiration and even affection for Jesus. They “believed in Him” as the Messiah, but they were not prepared to yield to the requirements of true faith and to be changed to the core by His words. How we relate to Jesus’ words deter- mines whether we are His disciples or not. Jesus’ words cut across our own desires, ideas, and lifestyles. The test of discipleship is whether we will bow to His truth or hold on to our own thoughts and feelings. Jesus never sacrificed truth for winsomeness. Seven times Jesus mentioned “truth” in John 8:30-47. When winsomeness becomes our highest priority, the truth always gets thrown under the bus. God and the devil are both asking the global church the same questions today: How much will it take for you to sell the truth? The approval of culture? Tax exempt status? Persecution? Proverbs 23:23 (NIV) says, “Buy the truth and do not sell it.”

I encourage you to read Parker Green’s book, Way of the Victorious, slowly and consider what he has written. It’s practical, sobering, and should challenge us all to repent and ask God to take us deeper in him. I have observed Parker’s lifestyle, marriage, and family and can attest that what this man of God has written, he lives! And may that be said of each one of us—that we do not simply practice what we preach but rather we preach what we already practice. Jesus is truly worthy of all our affections and decisions.

[gingeraleluke]

𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞

𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: photographer!timothée chalamet x fem!famous!antagonist!reader

𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: timothée tells his friends the story of when he dated his crazy ex.

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: NOT A ROMANTIC FIC AT ALL!! super toxic, dramatization of ‘psycho ex’s’, based off of the blank space music video, this is purely for entertainment purposes!!! (swearing, some alcohol and arguing with slight violence, fire, manipulation!) some sex talk, mentions of cheating

y/c/e: your color eyes, d/h/c: different hair color

second part of the 1989 series

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“and so, she had been filming me from the bushes, literally the whole night! i guess she had been following me and stalking me for weeks. when i confronted her about it, she burned all my clothes!” haider let out a small chuckle while the glass of gin slowly approached his awaiting lips.

the group of men laughed and gasped, the only sounds in an otherwise silent room. dylan lightly dropped his fist on the table, shaking it ever so slightly. “now, SEE? that is one crazy chick.” shaking his head, he pursed his lips and sipped his drink, handing some of the liquor to the man on his right.

“ehhh…i don’t know.” wes leaned into timothée’s shoulder, wincing and kissing his teeth. “tim over here, has had worse.” timothée could feel the gaze of everyone while wes patted his shoulder, almost as if he had won something. keeping his expression flat, he scanned the faces of his nearby friends.

“no, what?! there’s no way..” haider cocked his eyebrow and shook his head.

“oh, trust me….it’s worse.”

“well, are you going to tell us?” dennis persuaded.

“yeah! i wanna hear all about this so-called maniac.” dylan and haider looked up at timothée with excitement bouncing off of them like heatwaves.

“i don’t know…it-it’s kind of a long story—“

“oh, come on! you gotta tell them!” wes continued to pry until timothée finally cracked.

“okay! okay, fine.” he held his hands up in defense and took a swing of his drink.

“it all started when i had gotten booked for a photoshoot.”

FOUR YEARS AGO

nice to meet you

where you been?

timothée arrived in an all black wardrobe with numerous files flooding out of his suitcase. his hair was perfect before he walked up six flights of stairs and took the elevator. now, small strands were sticking to the back of his neck and he tried his best to smoothen out his clothes, his face flustered from walking and arriving late. “oh, there he is!” a man in headgear called out, walking towards the camera setup and leading timothée over there.

“finally!” timothée snapped back to see a girl seated in a comedically, large chair. he had no idea who the photoshoot was, too busy trying to figure out whether or not his father would hand down his company to him. he had assumed that he would be shooting for some b list model whose name he couldn’t pronounce, but instead, he was met with your familiar voice. “i’m-i’m so, so, sorry—“

“just hurry over there before she gets even more ticked off.” timothée nodded and approached the camera, looking past the lights to see the muse sitting there, picking at her nails in distaste.

“oh..my god, you’re—“

“yes. yes i am.” she kept her eyes on her fingers, almost as if timothée was too hideous to look at.

“i’m-im sorry, i’m a huge fan.”

“aren’t they all?” she looked up, her y/c/e looking into his eyes and scanning over every perceivable imperfection, while there was only little. her whole demeanor changed for a split second, as if someone had flipped a switch in her back. it vanished so fast that timothée wasn’t sure if it even happened. “what’s your name?”

i can show you incredible things

timothée gulped, “uh-timothée.”

“you don’t have a last name?”

“nope.” he mentally facepalmed at his stupid words, quickly covering it up as he saw her expression drop in annoyance. he cleared his throat, “mm—sorry! i-i do, it’s chalamet. timothée chalamet.”

“clever.” she leaned back and kicked up her chunky boots, peering at him over her shoulder. “well, timothée chalamet, why don’t you get to work?”

timothée became weirdly submissive and tried to ignore the dirty thoughts that clouded his brain. “right! sorry.” he scrambled over to the camera and watched her through the lens, flashing numerous photographs. she was wearing a traditional black and white suit, her body sprawled over the chair and her face making different expressions into the camera.

magic, madness

heaven, sin

“so,” she sat up, repositioning herself. “you’re a huge fan, huh?”

“yeah!” he continued watching her through the lens. “i love your movies, your music…everything! didn’t you date chris evans before you and harry styles broke up?”

why did i say that?

“shit, i’m sorry-i shouldn’t have said that.”

“yes. yes i did.” an awkward silence fell over them as the clicks and flashes of the camera kept them both present. “so you believe all those rumors, huh? that i’m hoping from dick to dick and have chris hemsworth as a fuck buddy?”

“huh? no! no, i just—“

“yeah, yeah. they all ‘i just’,” she mocked him and stopped posing. “well guess what, kid. you don’t know shit.”

“i-im sorry, i didn’t mean to offend you—“

“go out with me.”

saw you there and i thought

oh my god, look at that face

you look like my next mistake

huh?

“i…im sorry, what?”

“do you think i’m pretty?” she spread her legs somewhat seductively and bent forwards, catching timothée’s attention.

this feels like a trap.

i mean, it’s not everyday that one of the richest women in the world flirts with you..

“of course i do.”

“then come to my place tomorrow night.” sure, she was beautiful but she was definitely bitchier than timothée would like and he could only imagine how awful a date with her would be like.

“um…. mam—“ her assistant ran to her side before she dismissed her. “excuse me? i’m talking to timothée right now, go away.” she shooed her away, getting out of her chair and approaching timothée.

“so what do you say?”

“i um…i think i’m busy—“

loves a game wanna play

“oh, come on. you think you know me, let me prove you wrong.”

“why do you want to go out with me, though?”

“for fucks sake, look at you! your face was crafted by gods and frankly, i don’t know why you stay behind that little camera of yours when you should be in front of it.” she placed a hand on his chest, feeling the buttons underneath her fingers. “spend the night with me? i promise i’ll change your mind…”

“o-okay.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

new money

suit and tie

timothée had never seen a house with a pool in the front of it before. sure, he knew how rich his date was but this was a completely different story. after being let in through the gate, he made his way past the spa and pool before knocking on the door. “hi! i’m taylor.” she extended her hand, “you must be timothée!” confused as to who this lady was, he just nodded and smiled politely after shaking her hand. “hi…and you are..?”

“oh, i’m her best friend and roommate. i live above her so you don’t have to worry about me! i’ll be a bit of a waiter for the night but i will be sure to keep my distance. she’s in the dining room waiting for you.” the blonde spoke. she was seemingly much nicer than the girl he met yesterday and he couldn’t help but wonder how taylor could stand being friends with a girl like that. making his way through the mansion, he tried his best to hide his stares. he had money, but not nearly as much as this house cost. a lit fireplace exuded the scent of roasted chestnuts as he took a deep breath, hoping that she would be in a much better mood today.

“here she is! i’ll leave you two be.”

i can read you like a magazine

timothée’s eyes darted to see his date seated at her dining table, sipping what looked like champagne. her dress was short and her hair was up in a ponytail. she looked up at him and smiled. “wow, nice tux!” standing up she wrapped her arms around him and he slowly reciprocated, scared that he would break her. she seemed fragile, a contrast from the cruel mess she was yesterday. “oh! yeah, i kinda overdressed, didn’t i?”

“nonsense! you look great.” she kissed his cheek and pulled out his chair. god, did she smell incredible and her eyes were brighter and more alive than they were yesterday. her voice was soft and smooth unlike the coarse sound he expected to hear. “so-“ she stopped speaking and leaned in, sniffing. “fifth avenue?”

“i-i’m sorry?”

“your scent.”

“OH! yeah, it’s fifth avenue.”

she nodded her head, humming in approval. “i didn’t take you as the snobby rich type.” he could tell she was only joking from her small giggles as she sipped her drink. “oh, how rude of me. do you want some?”

“sure.” he scanned her eyes for anything other than nonstop overflowing kindness and he just couldn’t find anything. she must have noticed how weirded out he was because she spoke up.

“are you okay?”

“yeah.” he rubbed his forehead with his fingers. “yeah, i’m sorry, you’re just so…different than you were yesterday.”

“oh, that? yeah,” she became flustered and looked down at her lap as if she was embarrassed. “you probably don’t understand but when your a girl, it’s easy for men with power to think that they can walk all over you.” she explained while timothée watched her pour his drink. “sometimes the only way to get people to take you seriously is to be a bitch.”

ain’t it funny

rumors fly

timothée was stunned and almost lovestruck. she became everything he had ever wanted in just those few looks she sent him. her kindness was true and real and sent him butterflies as he tried his best to keep it together. “you look amazing.”

“why thank you! i haven’t been on a real date in a while.”

“but what about—“

don’t bring up her ex’s, you idiot!

“harry? he was always too busy with writing and his dates were more playful as opposed to sophisticated, like this one is.” he watched her lips and how her neck extended when she swallowed. he watched her freshly manicured nails and how she nervously tapped on the glass of her beverage. he watched her eyelashes flutter whenever she blinked and the way her arms were silky smooth from probably bathing in lotion. she was perfect. not the kind of barbie-doll look perfect, but the kind of perfect where even all of her freckles/spots and birthmarks seemed just right. “i’m sorry, i wasn’t trying to bring up your ex.”

“you apologize too much.” his cheeks were tinted pink from the dominance in her voice. “it’s okay. i mean, as long as you don’t think that i’m some maneating cheater.”

“no! of course not! you’re actually…really breathtaking.” timothée never believed in love at first sight, but these mere minutes with her was starting to change his mind.

fuck.

what is she doing to me?

and i know you’ve heard about me

“oh, thank you— that’s sweet, but, enough about me, okay? i wanna know more about you.”

“me? oh, i’m quite boring compared to you—“

“nonsense!” she jolted in her seat as the two of them heard a loud crashing sound come from above them. “shit.”

“is everything okay?”

“yeah, sorry! that was probably neptune, my cat. i left him up there so he wouldn’t be all over us during dinner. here—“ she stood up and adjusted her napkin. “let me just go make sure he’s okay.” timothée nodded and watched her disappear up the stairs, roaming over her whole body with his eyes. the sound of heels approached him from his left and his eyes quickly glassed over, hoping taylor didn’t notice him checking her out.

“i hate to interrupt but w— oh, where’d she go?” taylor stood at the end of the large table, a small notepad in her hand as if she worked at a restaurant. despite just being at her house, it still felt like he was being dined on. “oh, uh- she said she was going to check on neptune.”

“upstairs?”

“yeah.”

“oh, i was wondering where that darn cat went! usually he’s all over my legs and following me throughout the halls. makes sense.” she clicked her pen. “are you fine drinking that or would you like something else?”

“this is fine, thank you.”

“alright, well she was thinking about maybe roasted potatoes or fries with burgers, but it’s up to you. she will have whatever you have and you have complete control but oh, you have got to try loresto’s burgers!”

“loresto?”

“yes! he’s our chef. we could definitely take a more fancy route if you’d like but trust me, his burgers are far from cheap, i mean, it’s like biting into heaven— the spices he uses?! the flavor?! i could go on all day about it, but anyways, it’s up to you! he can make pretty much anything and if we don’t have it i can go pick it up at the shop.”

must be nice being this rich.

“no, the burgers sound nice!”

“alright! and for sides?”

“i’ll have the roasted potatoes.” he watched her scribble it down and he could have sworn that all of this was just a dream. i mean, who actually lives like this? “cool! and um..” she looked both ways before sliding into the nearby chair. “i just want to say thank you for coming tonight. i hadn’t seen her this excited in years.” taylor placed a hand on his arm, reassuringly. “i just need to ask you before anything else happens…”

“ask me what?”

“do you think that you could love her?” he felt his chest tighten and his arms were now covered in goosebumps underneath his suit.

honestly?

he could see a future with her but the more that he thinked about it, the more that he wanted a future with her. “i’m not saying that you need to be head over heels i love with her, i mean, christ, it’s only been two days. i’m just saying… do you think that if you were given the chance, that you could love her? do you care enough about her to continue with it after tonight or do you just want a small fling? there really isn’t any pressure, i just want to know before she someone gets heartbroken again.”

she began fiddling with her fingers and timothée was at a lost for words, causing her to speak up again. “ because, you need to know something before dating her— you…you can’t put her second. you have to always put her first and she’s had a lot of cheaters in the past so if you as much look at another woman—“ taylor spoke so many words in such a small moment and while timothée heard her, he was still trying to process everything. almost like he had been brainwashed, he couldn’t seem to find the right answer.

so he said what he felt.

“i could.” he nodded, looking at her face that was a solid exterior, nothing being expressed and leaving timothée feeling oh so confused. “right now? no. after tonight? maybe.” and with that, she walked away, letting timothée have the last word.

TWO HOURS LATER

so hey, let’s be friends

i’m dying to see how this one ends

timothée dropped his fork, “no way.”

“yes! and i-i was only like eight so of course i didn’t know what it meant!” their laughs roared throughout the house as they both tried to keep it together, timothée holding a fist to his mouth in hopes that he could stay quiet. “but your whole family was there!”

“yeah! exactly! my cousins started asking their mom and dad what it meant, the baby started crying, and don’t even get me started on the face that my grandmother made— i mean, i thought she was going to have a heart attack.”

“okay, okay. but what about—“ he was cut off by a ringing coming from across the table.

“oh shoot.”

“is everything okay?”

“yeah, i just didn’t realize how late it’s gotten.”

fuck, he thought.

i don’t want to leave yet.

“it’s okay. when can i see you again?”

“i should be free on the fifteenth!”

“soo.. wednesday?”

“no, sorry. i meant the fifteenth of next month.” timothée felt his heart drop. he wasn’t sure if he could go that long without seeing her. he was simply enchanted, locked onto her like a chain and pleased with the idea. “oh.”

“i’m sorry, i know. i’d like to see you sooner too.” she rested a hand on his and he felt nauseous from the butterflies. “unless..”

“unless what?”

“oh, nevermind. it was stupid and crazy.”

“no, say it.” he was so desperate to stay with her. to hear her stories about her life experiences and her stupidly sweet knock knock jokes.

grab your passport and my hand

i could make the bad guys good for a weekend

“i’m taking a trip to australia for a film and the loft that they gave me was split between me and another cast member but he ended up getting written out of the script, so now i have a whole loft to myself. i just thought that it might be lonely since i don’t really know most of the crew there and…i dunno i thought that you might have fun. it could be a huge opportunity for your photography business and there’s gonna be a bunch of a-list actors, i mean— johnny depp, octavia spencer, evan peters, finn wolfhard— it would just be a fun experience! but.. i know that you just got your dads company and will have to get all of that settled so you’re probably too busy and plus we just met yesterday so you probably think i’m weird for even asking—“

“i’d love to.”

“seriously?” she furrowed her brows.

“yeah! i mean, it’s crazy but.. i just..god, there’s something about you. you just make me inspired. seeing you, hearing your stories, i just start to see flashing colors and shapes in my head and it would be really cool to put it into a picture. plus, i’m super into you and i’m not sure if i could go a month without seeing you.” she got up suddenly, waking over and straddling him. she leaned in and pressed her lips against his, kissing him passionately for a few seconds before tangling her hands in his hair and deepening it. “i’m into you too.” timothée, a blushing mess, couldn’t stop giggling. “so when are we leaving?”

“like right now.”

“oh, really!?”

“yeah, is that okay? i have to be at the airport in two hours.”

“it’s more than okay.” he grabbed the back of her neck and dove back in, tasting the champagne off of her tongue. “i’m excited.”

41 DAYS LATER

cherry lips

crystal skies

i can show you incredible things

“do they look good?” she adjusted the d/h/c wig on her head and looked over timothée’s shoulder to see the photos. she wore a gown that timothée told her to wear and the shoes he picked out for him.

“amazing, you look great.” the two of them had bought a new house together after only dating for a month or so. sure, it was fast, but they were both in their mid twenties and wanted to settle down sometime soon. the mansion was beautiful and full of life, no longer flooded with timothée’s boxes.

“i still don’t understand the wig..”

“it’s just something different!” she rubbed her red lips together. “what, you don’t like it?”

“no! it’s good.”

stolen kisses

pretty lies

you’re the king baby i’m your queen

she placed a kiss on his cheek, admiring the mark it made. “oh my gosh— i have an idea! taylor!” taylor hurried over carrying a glass of lemonade, “yes?”

“can you take a few shots of us?”

“i don’t know how to work a camera-“

“it’s okay, just use your phone.”

she wrapped her arm around timothée and the two of them posed, being sure to show of her lip print. after checking the pictures she insisted that taylor back up.“keep going…keep going. i really want it to be like in the distance.” taylor backed up, waiting for the cue to stop.

“perfect! alright, now kiss me baby.” timothée leaned in and kissed her, his fingers tangling into the d/h/c wig.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

find out what you want

be that girl for a month

the relationship was going perfect. they spent their days taking walks and having dinner dates at expensive restaurants. at night they would cuddle and watch their favorite movies. she liked to paint him and have him pose for her. she’d always ask him what she should wear, what she should do, how she should act… everything was up to him and he just didn’t realize.

wait the worst is yet to come

oh no

everything was going well until she saw a girl named emma in his dms. messaging him flirty things while he was in her bed. despite the two of them being together for the past fifty days, he had been messaging emma. while he didn’t necessarily flirt back, he also didn’t stop it.

that set her off.

screaming

crying

perfect storm

tears streamed down her face as she threw a picture frame off of the wall, jupiter bouncing in fear and running into the other room. “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!” the black rain of mascara had somehow gotten onto her hands and stained her dress. shattered glass laid at her feet.

“jesus, stop it! i didn’t even do anything—“

“YOU WERE MESSAGING ANOTHER GIRL WHILE GOING ON DATES WITH ME! THATS WHY YOU ARE ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE, ALWAYS HIDING YOUR FRIENDSHIPS FROM ME!” multiple frames had fallen and the sound of her heels stepping on the glass was like torture. she didn’t stop. she didn’t stop until the walls were empty.

“YOU NEED TO STOP, YOU ARE GONNA RUIN OUR HOUSE—“

i can make all the tables turn

rose garden filled with thorns

“OUR HOUSE? TRY MY HOUSE, GET THE FUCK OUT.”

“are you serious?!” she began pushing him and throwing vases until he finally left. he thought that was it. that it was just a small little fight, but boy was he wrong.

keep you second guessing like

oh my god

who is she?

i get drunk on jealousy

then the magazines were published.

a photo of timothée chalamet kissing a mysterious d/h/c girl in front of the house that he and his girlfriend got. the couple was on headlines everywhere, quotes from her saying how heartbroken she was to be cheated on. he lost clients. his social media was flooded with her fans wishing death on him and his family wouldn’t even talk to him. timothée called his closest friends but none of them would answer. the whole world saw him as a cheating douchebag who broke a poor popstar’s heart. everything was crumbling down around him. crumbling the magazine, he raced out of the hotel he was staying at and drove to their place.

but you’ll come back each time you leave

cause darling i’m a nightmare

dressed like a daydream

timothée pulled in and knocked on the door furiously. a very happy taylor opened the door, her face dropping when she saw timothée. “the fuck do you want, cheater?”

“ar-are you serious?! you took the picture for fucks sake, you know she’s lying!” taylor went to slam the door in his face but he held it open. “let me see her.”

she quirked her eyebrows and shuffled behind the door. he didn’t expect her to actually let him in but now he was too heated to think about it. he walked through the house to find her standing in the living room, wearing a white button up with nothing underneath. looking behind her, he saw that his playstation and tv was shattered beyond repair. “what the fuck did you do?”

“oh, hey timmy! nice of you to join us.” he quickly walked up to her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. “you framed me for cheating when you know that i never did! you know i was a perfect boyfriend!” he spat, his jaw clenched and face red.

boys only want love if it’s torture

don’t say i didn’t

say i didn’t warn ya

“don’t you remember what taylor told you the night of our first date? she told you to always put me first. to let me have control and never let some other girl take that away. she warned you timothée.” she turned around and began walking up the twirly staircase, timothée watching her. “the fuck are you even talking about?!”

“i’m talking….” she bent over and grabbed something but timothée couldn’t tell what. “about how i’ve lived my whole life being viewed as the villian.”

so it’s gonna be forever or

it’s gonna go down in flames

“everything i did, nothing was good enough. always called a whore, a golddigger, a slut— it didn’t matter!” an orange light reflected off of her dress, making timothée’s eyes widen.

you can tell me when it’s over

if the high was worth the pain

“i promised myself that i would do the same thing. that i would fuck up someone else’s life so mine could flourish! see, you were controlling whether you realized it or not. had you ever even gone a day without telling me what to do? no. but because i was so petite and fragile and perfect,” she used finger quotes as she spoke, timothée spotted a lighter in her hand. “so you thought it was okay. that you could flirt with girls, use my money, take your stupid fucking pictures and get away with it.”

got a long list of ex lovers

they’ll tell you i’m insane

“i’m not some innocent airhead who lets men walk all over her. in fact, you know what? i DID fuck chris hemsworth. he was my rebound after i dated chris, but GOD FORBID a woman moves on too fast, or else she’s cheating, right?!”

cause you know i love the players

and you love the game

“so you were a perfect target.” she held up one of timothée’s shirts above the open flame, watching it  singe.

“that’s my fucking shirt!”

“mmhmm!!” she cheered, throwing it at him, the flames almost catching his pants on fire. “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

cause we’re young and we’re reckless

we’ll take this way too far

“i gave up on love a long time ago…” she pulled out timothée’s camera that he had left there and smashed it with her heel.

“STOP! WHAT THE FUCK!”

it’ll leave you breathless

or with a nasty scar

“so now i’m dedicating my life to fixing it. fixing my reputation! and the best way to do that was to ruin yours.”

“you’re fucking crazy.”

“yeah, that’s funny because that’s what all my ex’s said!”

got a long list of ex lovers

they’ll tell you i’m insane

“so what? i ruined your life, your clothes, your camera and your car.”

my car?

“you fucking didn’t..”

“oh, yes i fucking did.” she smiled, laughing as he ran outside to find taylor swinging his car with a golf club.

“MY CAR! GET THE FUCK OFF! YOU FUCKING PSYCHOS!” taylor continued swinging even after he got into the car. the engine sputtered before he drove away, not being able to see shit from the shattered windows.

cause ive got a blank space baby

and i’ll write your name

she walked out of the house and watched him drive away, taylor shooting her a wink. taking in a breath of fresh air, she grabbed taylor’s hand and walked inside to plot her next victim.

timothée finished the story, clearing his throat before raising a glass.

“and that’s how i met y/n y/l/n.”

[collisiondiscourse]

say amen (bkdk drabble)

(a little drabble based off of one of my favorite posts that ive ever made)

Katsuki’s not a religious man.

Yeah, okay, he believes in deities and goes to temples, the blond will admit that much. The existence of a higher power isn’t really that far from the realms of possibility when he regularly interacts with people who have the head of a bird or engines for legs. He celebrates the holidays, and on days where he’s feeling especially magnanimous, Katsuki even buys temple charms and sends out a quick prayer to whoever might be listening.

But he isn’t religious.

He doesn’t like feeling like he’s indebted to someone. That somehow, somewhere, there is someone Katsuki should be grateful to for giving him all his successes. He worked hard to get where he is now all by himself, thank you very much. The idea that everything is somehow predetermined or controlled by someone he can’t even see is one that makes the blond break out into hives.

A man with any dignity such as Katsuki’s is too proud to kneel to any god.

But then again… Izuku Midoriya is no such god.

He’s very much human, Katsuki would believe despite the seemingly endless strength his short and stocky figure possesses. He’s freckles and sunburns and scars and toothy smiles and everything that used to make the blond’s blood boil. Deku can’t dress himself nicely to save his life and sings All Might show tunes in the shower when he thinks no one can hear. Katsuki’s seen the boy throw up on his dumb red shoes and laugh so hard he scared himself with his own snorts.

He’s seen Deku at his worst. Crying and crumbling, body all bloodied and torn up after giving it his all. He’s seen him angry--borderline murderous even--with rage consuming him and leaving him gasping for breath as he saddles closer and closer to the line betwean life and death. He’s seen Deku broken and hollow, unable to eat for days and smelling like a decomposing corpse because the demons in his eyes had all but haunted him from even getting up to shower.

The point being, Katsuki knows that Izuku Midoriya is flawed.

He should, at least. Having seen these cracks and imperfections over and over should’ve cemented the idea that Deku was far from perfect. He sees sides of Deku that even their best friends, let alone the public have never seen. Bakugou knows that Izuku Midoriya is not a God--and is in fact very far from one.

But fuck if he doesn’t worship him like he is.

When Izuku confessed to him in their second year, Katsuki thinks that he learned what it feels like to die.

As dramatic as it sounds, it’s true. Watching those green eyes peel away from their locked gaze on his red ones to stare nervously at the ground causes Katsuki’s heart to jump. His palms were sweaty and blood roared in his ears, deafening him from all sounds except Deku’s voice. He’d initially thought that this was it. This was Deku preparing to tell him that he couldn’t stand being his friend anymore, that no matter how much Katsuki tried to atone for himself, Deku finally realized that Katsuki would never be worthy of his love.

It built up and up until Katsuki couldn’t breathe, willpower alone keeping him from gasping for breath as he awaited Deku’s rejection. The sun set in a brilliant cast of oranges and purples, but neither boy on the rooftop could stand to appreciate it when the sights in front of them were far more important.

“Kacchan,” he blurts at last. A sliver of his pink tongue peeks out to lick at his chapped lips. Katsuki’s chest constricts with want. “I like you.”

And it’s at those three words that Katsuki truly believes in an afterlife.

His heart clenches and stops for a different reason--a different feeling entirely. The world tilts on its axis and his breaths come up short, yet Katsuki’s never been happier to have been wrong. Parts of him shrivel up. Shudder in anxiety. Embers of raw anger and determination (leftover from years of scars and charred notebooks) tell him that he’s not worthy of Deku. That Katsuki is yet to even deserve to take the hand that has been waiting for him for his whole life.

Admittedly though, Katsuki Bakugou is a selfish, selfish man.

He stares at that freckled and blushing face like it’s a reflection of the universe itself. Green eyes that mistakenly take Katsuki’s silence as rejection grow watery, and yet as Katsuki stares into the molten pool of emerald and moss, he thinks he may see his entire life in those pretty eyes.

“...Kacchan? It’s okay if you don’t, uh, like me back. I u-understand if you feel uncomfortable or no longer want me be your friend even if it kinda s--”

“W-well really, it’s more of love. I... love you. Like, a lot. Have for a while I mean and I tried really hard to hide it but I’m sure it was obvious from the beginning and well, Uraraka said I was really bad at lying so I wasn’t really sure...” he mumbles. Stutters, because he’s human and very much not a god.

Katsuki Bakugou kisses Izuku Midoriya for the first time.

He kisses Izuku Midoriya because he wants all of him. He wants the sorrow and broken bones. The awkward laughter and nervous tics. Katsuki wants those green eyes to never stop looking at him and that mouth to never stop muttering the most inane nothings. He wants the beautiful and the ugly, the victories and the losses. He wants and he wants and he wants and he wants, and now that all of it is within his reach dear god is he never letting go.

The blond pours his soul into the kiss. Mouth harsh and unyielding, ever determined to prove to anyone watching that he’d throw away his life for this boy in a heartbeat. The desperation in their kiss practically daring anyone to try and pull them apart. Katsuki wants the kiss to say everything that he, in his weak and human state, cannot even begin to phrase. That somehow a single kiss could show the other that Katsuki loves him so much it breaks him inside. It’s so good that it’s painful. It’s painful and excruciating but fucking hell if Katsuki pulls away for one moment he thinks he might actually truly die.

They’re training to be pro-heroes, so of course their pain tolerance is higher than most. They’ve been taught to fight in any environment no matter what—could probably fight five people underwater for an hour without breaking a sweat. All of those hours of training somehow still mean nothing to Katsuki in the brilliance of the storm that is Izuku Midoriya.

Because as they kiss and breathe in each other’s air, Katsuki forces himself to pull away with a gasp.

Izuku thinks he’s hurt the blond accidentally, somehow. That he’d been too rough or pushed Bakugou into it or even just took his breath away from him in the literal sense. What the green-haired hero didn’t expect was the sheer devotion in ruby eyes.

(It would’ve scared him, if it didn’t make his knees shaky and heart rate speed up in exhilaration.)

Meanwhile, Katsuki’s drowning.

He’s drowning so deep in emotions that he’d never let himself feel until now. Drowning in his insecurities and greatest desires. Drowning in emotion and vigour. Drowning in the feeling of kissing Izuku fucking Midoriya. Part of him screams in agony, protesting this weakness as it fucks with his mind and squeezes at his heart.

The rest of him lets it happen.

Bakugou pulls away, gasping for breath. It’s too much and not enough, because he loves this boy so goddamn much that it actually hurts. He’s crying, and it’s kind of pathetic, really. So undone by a single kiss that tears streak down his face while white spots appear in vision of ruby eyes. A man so weak--so overcome with emotion that he can’t help but sob at the torrent of devotion that overtakes him. His heart throbs painfully and he struggles to take gulps of air, because Katsuki doesn’t truly love many people but there’s something about Izuku Midoriya that destroys him so thoroughly.

Ever understanding, ever patient, and ever too good for his damned, hell-bound soul, Izuku holds him close. He lets Katsuki weep into his jacket and runs scarred fingers through pale blond strands as the other boy tries to stifle his sobs. He hushes him with a light kiss to his temple and listens patiently as Katsuki whimpers every variant of ‘I love you’ under the sun.

Izuku Midoriya is no such god, but Katsuki Bakugou worships him like one nonetheless.

[chanluster]

the duke and i | {m} ; {f}

teaser | bridgerton! au | f2l! au | approx. 25k words

“The Duke of Hastings can show you much more than what you write of.”

s u m m a r y >> wishing to be a successful writer in the regency period seemed next to impossible for the sole daughter of a dead earl. with arising pressures from your mother to tie the knot, you turn to your dearest friend, hwang hyunjin, duke of hastings and the most eligible, scandalous bachelor of the season, for assistance. when he suggests the insane of idea of marrying each other to help each other, you agree to the proposal, unaware of just how much the duke can teach you of the wonders of matrimony.

w a r n i n g s >> noble! reader, duke! hyunjin, hyunjin is a fucking rake, reader is a fucking nerd, also really really innocent, hyunjin is sosososo hot, a lot of teasing, endearments, sexual tension, kissing, making out, corruption kink!!!!! corruption! fucking! kink! oral (f. receiving) fingering, unprotected sex (stay safe hoemies!!) orgasming on multiple occasions, (kind of) hate sex, there is fluff i promise, tiny bit of angst

p l a y l i s t >> here!

t a g l i s t >> @fivefootfuryanon @h0eforhyunjin16 @seoulicitae @linoscult @aliceu @hwangi @shipsaremything98 @babyyynatty @kabira @danyxthirstae01 @sunseokkies @lunefilm @severetimetravelnerd @minaamhh @starry--koo @ninjaleeknow @hyunjeonnies @inlovewithasa @titleisyettobemade @maedesculpaeusoubi​@healinghyunjin @fleeingreality (send an ask if u wish to be added!!)

a u t h o r ’ s  n o t e >> hello hi i am finally writing this fic!! bridgerton may be problematic but simon basset was still the sexiest man i’ve ever seen in period dramas so here is hyunjin being that exact sex god in this teaser i hope you enjoy <3

back to masterlist

“____, YOU HAVE WRITTEN A BLOODY MASTERPIECE!”

Your entire body stilled.

“I...I did what?”

“Wrote a masterpiece!” He swiped through the pages, lighting up at each word that passed his gaze. “A bestseller! An award winning novel!” 

A smile worked its way onto your lips. “You...you really think so?”

Sighing out in exasperation, he set the papers upon the desk as he began to lose his initial anger. “How could you be embarrassed about something so beautiful?” He put his hand on the gold chair, leaning onto its head. “Your descriptions were lovely, the characters are perfectly imperfect. You have really outdone a lot of the writers in circulation.”

Your shoulders sagged a little — almost as if you had been carrying a heavy burden, and this man had taken it off of you.

You made sure he saw your joy when you said, “Thank you, blondie.”

Seeing the pure contentment upon your face had your friend looking away, eyes narrowing to the plans once again.

“There was, however, one thing which needed improvement.”

The setback had you straightening once again, eager to hear. At least he was not sweetening it fully. “Go on.”

“As I was reading through, right till the end, I noticed a lack of very important details.” 

That was quite strange. “A lack of?” you asked, when you were so sure that you had added too much of everything.

“Yes.”

His fingers drummed against the velvet of the chair.

“I noticed that there was a deep lack of...passion.”

An incredulous look was your reply. “Passion?”

“Yes, passion. Desire.” He jerked his head towards the papers. “I hardly saw any of those emotions in the book.”

This new information was certainly quite worrying. “But I do not understand,” you started. “My whole novel is based on this relationship, of the love that blossoms and grows—”

“I understand that, darling, I really do,” he said. “I know what you are going to say.” 

The drumming continued. “But where is that residing in the chapters? Where is that physical lust implied in the characters?”

Lust. 

You had heard of the word before. Heard of its implications, yet never grasped the weight of its meaning. Was it just another form of longing? 

If only your mother had given you an education on this side of love.

“What do you mean...lust?”

Hyunjin raised a groomed brow. “What else could I mean, angel?”

The way he voiced that question, that endearment had you parting your mouth, unable to say anything. You tried to speak, to say something to ease the tension which came slithering back into the bedroom.

“I...what were you expecting? From the relationship.”

Curling his locks behind his ear, his gaze became obscure. “You spoke of forbidden love, of...of a coupling which should not be occurring but happened through the fate of the universe. Is that right?”

When you nodded, he carried on. “See, I did not sense that from their exchanges. Their emotions are tame, chaste. An innocence which cannot be tainted.

“Now where is the fun in that?”

You dared not break his gaze. “What is that ‘fun’?”

His eyes seemed to darken. “That ‘fun’ in the relationship is physicality. Where is that in your novel?” 

He took a step towards you. “Where are the unbreaking stares? The curious hands, aching to caress another’s? Where are the trembling breaths, the lust-stained sighs that fan lovers’ lips?”

The duke had you craning your neck back as he looked down at you. “Where are the kisses, my darling?”

You gulped. “K-kisses?”

“Yes, kisses,” he repeated softly. “Lips enveloping lips, tasting your inner workings? Travelling to your neck, your collarbone...places which cannot even be whispered in polite society?”

Each part he mentioned had its goosebumps pricking.

The bastard still did not stop. “Where is that passion, ____? Where is that forbidden love, which makes the heart burn wilder?”

And as he descended before you on his knees, hands settling on your lap, you had a feeling swirl up your sides which had never struck you before.

“If I were the man in your book, I would not be tame with you.��� 

His eyes offered a new, intimidating darkness. “Because if you were my woman, then I do not think I’d control myself. The moment I’d catch the innocence dancing in your eyes, I’d have waltzed it away into my shadows.

“Only God could save you from my hunger, then.”

Silence descended upon the two of you.

One waiting for the other to speak, and the other unable to form the words to do so.

The moon had illuminated your husband, one side of his face glowing like a celestial being, the other side basked in darkness. How strange, when he had compared himself to it just a few moments before.

You seemed unable to look away from him. His gaze, always intense, now became so penetrating you wondered whether he could glance at your soul, quivering from his feedback. 

Improvements which you still did not quite comprehend, despite the implications.

Somehow, he could see it on your face. “I have a feeling you still do not grasp the idea. Is that correct?”

A half nod. “I…” God, speak! “I just...I have never understood it, Hyunjin.”

Your head dipped down, darting at the plains of your hands. “You asked me about lust, and I simply cannot answer because I do not know. I have never experienced such emotion.

“Hell, I have not witnessed a single action that you spoke of. How could you expect me to write of desires I have never even felt?”

This.

This was unchartered territory. This was a terrain you had not explored with him.

Yes, he was your best friend. But one does not talk of such...dangerous conservation when your best friend happens to be a man — a complete rake, at that.

It seemed as if the rake, too, was thinking the same. 

His legs, a force which had never let him down, threatened to buckle under him. His mouth opened, only for silence to answer you. 

Lord and all His subjects help him. He did not think he could contain it any longer.

And as his eyes exposed you, vulnerable before him, he only knew of one thing — one fact within this ocean of uncertainty you swam in.

He would jump into the waters for you. But not in the notion to haul you out to safety.

No, the duke would drag you down further, with him as your sole saviour.

Or even your destroyer. Your fated undoing.

For the Duke of Hastings will absolutely ruin you, body and soul.

“Hyunjin?”

A blink.

A singular action, dragging him back to dark, dark reality — sweeter than his fantasies as it sat before him, shy and wide-eyed.

An innocent reality all for him to defile.

“Yes, angel?”

You tried not to shudder at his lilting whisper. “How am I to be helped?”

The man did not even think of the possibilities, to your surprise.

If only you knew, how long he had kept them hidden for.

“How about...how about I assist you?”

Confusion washed over your features. “And how would you assist me, Hyunjin? You have never written a novel.”

His answer was a chuckle, revealing slight glimpses of his teeth as he stood.

“That is true, yes.”

Sitting down beside you, he planted his hands behind him on the bed, leaning into the position. 

“But what I can provide aid for is the one feature you lack in your writing.”

His voice right behind gave you a fright.

“Pure, raw lust.”

Looking over yourself, you watched him reclined in ease. Your speech was uneven as you said, “And...and how will you help me with that?”

“Simple, my darling.” A pause, looking you over. “I shall provide you with examples. Show you what truly happens between a man and woman when all they yearn for is each other.”

He saw the further questions in your gaze. The questions you dared not voice out loud, perhaps dared not understand. 

Smirking, he sat himself up, eyes never leaving yours as his hands encircled your own, bunched up in your dress. As his fingers brushed against your linen he felt his skin go aflame. 

“If, of course, you would let me.”

Tilting your head slightly upwards, you sensed a foreign warmth envelop your face, burning at the sight of your friend studying you like an empty canvas, begging to be filled.

Maybe you were an empty sheet of paper, waiting to be painted with guidance by the master. Maybe that master was beside you all along.

“What will you do to me, Hyunjin?”

There it was. The question which may have been his drug — his purest form of opium. 

Because when his hands travelled upwards, sliding to your face and imprisoning you with his stare, he knew he would become addicted.

A shame he did not care for his well-being when you were so fucking tempting.

“Show you what real passion tastes like.”

[squidkidatx]

“Oh come on babe! Don’t act like you don’t like these changes.” Sighing, I put down the chain bracelet I was making. “That’s not the point. The point is that you used the remote, and then broke it so now we’re stuck this way until I make a new one.�� Picking the bracelet back up, I continued. “And it’s not like those parts in the remote were cheap, you know. It took several years and some very lucky scrounging that I was even able to make it in the first place, and now I have to make another.” Pouting, she got closer and pushed against me. “It’s not like anybody will know that you used to be bigger. To the rest of the world you’ve always been that short, and I’ve always been this tall curvaceous beauty.” Slamming down the bracelet I stand up, for all the extra emphasis my tiny frame now brings me. “And that’s the problem isn’t it? WE are aware that we’ve changed. Doesn’t this fill you with inner turmoil knowing that you have essentially irreparably changed your spouses body without their permission or consent?” Staring angrily up at her I await her response. Wringing her hands and hanging her head in shame she replies. “Well it’s not like you put any warnings on it. It looked indistinguishable from any other remote.” “EXCEPT THAT IT WAS IN MY WORKSHOP!” I exploded in anger. “We had an agreement. I get my space to do my science projects, and we share the profit from them. And if they’re too rare to sell, but we might have a use for them, I ask your permission and consent, for every instance.” “And this is the one time I break that agreement because I thought we were close! I’ve never broken it before, and yet you’re holding this against me the ONE time I break it.” “And that’s why we’re having this discussion, instead of me leaving you. You know exactly what my ex did to me that left me like this, broken and jagged. Give me some space, I need to calm down.” Sitting back down I pick up the bracelet to continue. “I know you love me, and all that I am as imperfect as I am, but right now I just need a little space to calm down and sort out my thoughts. Without a word she turned on her heel and walked out of the workshop.

I truly loved Jess. She had found me when I wasn’t willing to trust anyone, not even my family, and had slowly repaired my heart after it had been so abruptly smashed by my ex-best friends who turned out to never have been my best friends. She was the kindest woman I knew, not that I knew too many, but she was kind to everyone. She taught me how to trust again. I knew she didn’t do this maliciously, and I had been holed up in my workshop a lot recently almost neglecting her, because as much I needed her she needed me just as much. Sighing, I finished the bracelet and studied it. It was a pretty rose gold, although that was only plating, and in its chains held a regal femininity that commanded attention but not overtly. It drew eyesight much like a butterfly lazily flying on a still spring day. It would still fit her, but I didn’t know how to give it to her with the current tensions between us. “Might as well get it over with.”

Walking out of the workshop and to the living room, which is usually where Jess goes when something is bothering her, I stop in the entrance. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t have any malicious intent Jess, in fact from the looks of it you had very positive ideas in mind.” Smiling drily I wait for her to respond. The silence stretches until she looks up. “I just wanted to spend more time with you. You had been going into your workshop for longer and longer leaving me alone. I just wanted to see what could take you away from me for so long. Turns it was literally something reality warping in scale.” Walking toward where she was seated on the couch, I stop just out of arms reach. “I know, and I’m sorry. Next time I work on a project this big, I’ll let you know. Give me your right wrist?” Slowly she offers me her right arm. As I take out the bracelet I see her eyes glimmer with more tears. Breathily, she asks, “For me?” Nodding i clasp it around her wrist. Suddenly standing, she grabs me and holds me tight to her body as she cries. Eventually she lets me go. “I love you.” Seeing the shock play across her face as I say those words to her, words that I haven’t said to anyone after what had happened to me, made me feel warmer. To know that even though we’ve been together for a while, that I could still surprise her was felt awesome. “Stop, you’re going to make me cry again.” I held her hand as she wiped the remaining tears from her face. “The bracelet is beautiful. How long did it take you?” “Meh, four hours? Not that long.” It really hadn’t taken that long, the guide I followed was really detailed and comprehensive. Feeling her free hand rest on my shoulder, I looked up. And went straight into a kiss. She had surprised me by taking the initiative, not that I could reach her without help, but that is beside the point. Wrapping her arms around my waist she pulled me into the air while kissing. Wrapping my arms around her neck, I pulled her back in from the first kiss for another. Finally done with that kiss we stared at each other in silence, each waiting for the other to make a move. Grinning, she undid one of her arms and ran hand down my leg. “So this is how you felt all those times you picked me up. A girl could get used to this.” Nodding, because at this point I was already too far gone to speak, I watched as her grin widened. “Bedroom?” “Bedroom!” I barely managed to squeak out.

“On the bed tiny man.” Jumping on the bed immediately after being put down I waited for her next command. “Do I have to command you to strip, or are you going to read the room?” She said already half naked, not that she had much on before. Hurriedly I began taking off clothes, but not fast enough for Jess. She stopped my frantic movements and began tearing my clothes off leaving them in tatters. “There. Glad to see some things didn’t get any smaller.” She said before she pushed me to the middle of the bed. As she crawled onto the bed, I took what little time I had to admire her. She had been pretty before but now she commanded the room in a way she hadn’t before. Maybe it was her size, because she towered over me, but she felt imposing. A bit scary even. I didn’t know what she was going to do, or when she was going to do it. “You. Here. Now.” She said with a few vague gestures towards me and herself. As I approached I considered how she could easily hold me with one arm, and felt my lips dry out. Licking my lips I got within arms reach of her. Suddenly finding myself being held by the throat as she pulled me close and whispered into my ear, “Do you know all that I could do to you right now? You are completely at my mercy.” Whimpering, I felt myself melt in her grasp. “Good boy. Just like that. Be good and you’ll get a reward.” Nodding I felt myself jump. “Lay down.” Acquiescing, I lay on the bad as she climbed on top. Looking into her eyes, I noticed that they had lost that characteristic warmth that she always had, and felt chills run down my spine. Slowly, she worked her way down taking her time to treasure every sensation before she bottomed out. She smiled, triumphant. She had never taken me to the base before and was now doing so with ease. “Is that all you got? Is my big strong mean really so small? Is his tiny little girlfriend too much for him to handle?” She said as she began riding me, bracing herself above my head. Thrusting up only meant she came down harder, while just letting her ride meant I was just passively accepting her teasing as the truth. So I began bucking trying to match her but she only got more intense. For every thrust I made, she rode harder and harder until all I could do was just lay there and let her have her way. “That’s right little man. You can’t do anything to me.” Feeling myself grow closer and closer to the point of no return I tried to warn her, but she quickly shut me up by dropping her breasts into my face. “Oh god, you’re so small that I can ride you and have your face in my breasts. Fuck.” Was she getting off on this more than I was? Her weight was only getting more intense as she rode, and it was getting hard to breath. Suddenly I felt her arch as she came, and she came hard. Breathing hard, she was still slowly riding until she came to a stop. Looking down at me with frenzied eyes, she smiled. “You didn’t come first! That earned you a reward.” Smiling she flipped me onto my back with my head in her lap and her hand in mine. Slowly she grabbed ahold, and began stroking. With her other arm she pushed me into her breast. “You wanted them this big. Might as well play with them, right?” Slowly I took her nipple into my mouth. “That’s right. It’s okay to be weak sometimes, especially around me. Okay?” Once I began playing with her nipple, her pace began to pick up. Soon, it was all a blur of pleasure. Except, I still hadn’t finished. “Why aren’t you finishing? You like this right?” Nodding emphatically I felt her movements get more intense as she got angrier. “Then why aren’t you finishing? Normally you come pretty soon after this sta-oh.” Slowly a fiendish smile crept over her face. “It’s okay little one. Let it all out. Let it all out for mommy.” Hearing those words unlocked some secret and suddenly I was tensed up and releasing all over her hand. “Good boy. Let it out just like that.” Slowly I felt my consciousness drift away. The last thing I remember was a kiss and this thought: Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

[wormstar]

i was going thru ur blog and u have good posts about ableist aus and i was wondering - what if in the aus the requirements for warriors were different? Like instead of having to fight jay only hunts? Would the muddling of roles still be ableist? In a Tree-like situation?If its not presented in a "work super hard to get what you want" and more in a "yeah they can decide what he wants to do". This is mostly for jay (and cinder) specifically because they had desires to be warriors yet were forced to be medicine cats because of ableism (ig this can apply to briar but i just truly cant remember oots that well and i havent read her death). I am asking because i am still trying to unlearn the ableist mindset that i grew up with. Feel free to ignore this ask and thnx!

hey yeah thank you for asking! took the opportunity to write up more general thoughts on rewrites as a whole and i went over why exactly theyre ableist hopefully that provides a better perspective

i think the major thing to keep in mind is that the structure of the clans is very abled centric and overly ignorant of inner community work (for example dens are only solidified or altered when either the area takes damage/the clans grows wrt population) theres a fixation on marking territory and starting fights and whatever with other clans which is whats expected of most warriors to partake in. to fix those implications in any fanwork youve really gotta knead into them and understand the nature of their ableism....its not just a problem with cats being barred from being warriors its the whole occupation and the standard its held to, so to speak (+ that fits into general clan society being flawed but eh thats another thing and also its easy to branch out into thought about)

going to stress other disabled people might have other solutions to how disabled cats are received this is just how i like to think of things

first i think its kind of interesting to examine discrepancies between disabled cats in canon as somewhat of an indicator of clan attitudes and leaders and whatnot. like i think you could get something interesting by regarding lets say deadfoot in windclan and cinderpelt in thunderclan who both have bad legs yet had different experiences with them in clan life. if you wanna go a step further comparing generations like lilywhisker and deadfoot or cinderpelt and jayfeather (+ the consideration of how congenital disabilities are regarded) can also make things interesting and just give you an idea of what to do. having the clan systems stray from a clear-cut common attitude both gives you more freedom for different approaches + adds to worldbuilding anyway. imo boiling down clan society to perfect utopia just gets boring but you can have imperfections in the system that depict the disabled experience just fine. just be careful with them and the way they come across yeah?

(real quick as an in between. god just dont refer to cats/their injuries as crippled. it still happens somehow)

im a little ambivalent on the idea of creating a ‘special role’ for disabled cats to be thrown into. cause then thats a repeat of canon medicine den really. its like ‘oh youre disabled youre instantly discarded into the x role pit’ i think just adding substantial in-universe changes to the warrior rank itself (vagueness is fun actually) or expanding on ‘warrior types’ rectifies the othering angle. ‘othering’ as a whole is just as bad as the ‘exception’ archetype people run for most warrior aus i want to state that clearly. effectively if youre gonna introduce roles that dont depend on fighting or hunting or both make sure theres abled cats who have them too. like say you want a camp-based role where a cats job is to fix dens or one where they help in the nursery, its far easier for a cat who cant run to manage those but also have some cats who are physically capable of doing other ‘tasks’ do the same thing for personal reasons

the tree comparison is interesting honestly cause i guess you could just give a cat a particular thing to do as a nonfixed position. and roles accordingly being made for a cat to fill until they cant and the positions done away with afterward. but youve gotta do it carefully so you dont fall into othering as ive said. id avoid something like that personally i just dont like the quality of ‘well theyre not a warrior (the most noble/useful concept in cat society) theyre actually some other thing’

in general giving disabled cats agency and choice is the best thing you can do. whether this means them deciding on tasks they can do themselves or picking a certain kind of warrior to be or asking for an assistant to help them out when they do stuff. the way you wanna pull it off again depends on my first question of “how does the relevant part of your warrior cat world treat disabled cats already”

very important point, the majority of the ableism also comes in the form of character narratives and not just the structure of the world itself. like think for a bit why the writers decided jayfeather shouldve been forced to be a medic or why briarlight got killed off early etc etc. characters ‘wanting’ to be like the abled ideal and still being bitter about not fulfilling that years down the line are just part of the ableist storylines. if youre abled id literally say just do away with those sadstuck ‘i wanted to be a warrior!’ moments. if you really want to id say pull a cinderpelt or a shadowsight where a cats time in the medicine den started their fascination with medicine and they switched to that path due to personal intrigue. id say a more interesting and realistic angle to it is having a disabled cat who found fulfilment in doing something else besides being a warrior becoming bitter about their entire clan ‘mourning’ how theyll never fight again or giving them the pretence of being a warrior being the best thing you can do.... it depends on the character really

this is just a very basic disability thing but stray from the whole ‘useless/dead weight’ way of regarding disabled characters. like dont place their worth on how well they service a clan or not theyre still deserving of shelter and whatnot. you dont need to justify a cats existence or usefulness by going ‘well they may be blind but their sense of smell is excellent so we keep them around’ or whatever its just no good

last thing i can think of is like. dont disregard how a cats disability affects them. like its fine that briarlight cant fight (or even hunt major types of prey) she doesnt need some convoluted method that lets her do that. there are like a dozen other warriors hunting and fighting and theres present value and enjoyment in the stuff she does around camp. she doesnt have to be brightheart 2 its ok

[tittytania]

Finding ChristBorg: A TED talk about what happened during the Coldharbour Compact.

Reposted from my tes reddit bc I want to see what y’all think.

I can't tell if I'm a genius, completely insane, or if I'm just late to the lore-party. Time to find out I guess. TL;DR at the bottom.

So it has never been explained what Sotha Sil did during the Coldharbour Compact to convince the daedric princes to not manifest on Nirn without an intermediary, and it probably never will be since the mystery of it all is far too cool. But that doesn't mean I can't read into it like literature and look for meaning in the other texts I can compare it to.

To start, Vivec is based off of the Shakta variation of the half female/half male Ardhanarishvara, where the gold-skinned female half is the right side. Both Vivec and Ardhanarishvara represent unity and duality, and looking at some images of Ardhanarishvara, it's kinda hard to argue that Vivec wasn't based off of them. Kirkbride even confirmed that Ardhanarishvara was the inspiration for Vivec in an AMA. Now, Vivec is part of the god trio the Almsivi Tribunal, along with Almalexia and Sotha Sil. Shiva, who Ardhanarishvara is the avatar of, is also part of a god trio, called the Trimurti in Hinduism. So it would make sense if the other members of the tribunal are also based off of one member of a real world religious triad. I have a shaky idea of who Almalexia could be, but my theory for her god-inspiration is nowhere near as solid as my theory for Sotha Sil, who I believe is based on Jesus Christ.

To start, their characterizations have multiple similarities. Both are one branch of a god-triad, with Sotha Sil as part of the Tribunal, and Jesus as The Son in the Holy Trinity. Both serve as a teacher, with Jesus being referred to as Teacher several times in the Bible, and Sotha Sil giving lessons on magic and Mysticism to the Psijic Monks. Also, both are characterized as wise, patient, and celibate. They both talk about moral and philosophical concepts with their followers, neither Jesus nor Sotha Sil are shown as having a temper or raising their voices, and neither of them are shown with a spouse or partner. Sotha Sil is specifically shown as not caring about the Night Mother's attempts to sexually manipulate him in book seven of 2920, The Last Year of the First Era. Now I know that 2920 is considered a work of historical fiction in-universe, but I don't think that matters in this situation since I'm approaching this as a person reading a text, not as a person living inside the lore world.

In terms of specific scenes that connect Sotha Sil and Jesus, the first I will mention is that they both use a makeshift whip to beat intruding wrongdoers and drive them away, while yelling about fathers. In the Truth in Sequence vol. 8 book, it says that "[t]hrough His will alone, Mighty Seht wound the veins (of metal ore) into god-bronze whips, and lashed the Prince pitilessly," saying "[b]ehold the wrath of lost Ald Sotha! Know death at my hands, false-son of a false-father!" In the Bible, Jesus found people doing sales in a place of worship, and then He "made a whip of cords, (and) He drove them all out of the temple," saying “Take these things away! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” (John 2 15-16).

Also, Jesus had close friends and followers who were called his apostles, and Sotha Sil has his own Clockwork Apostles. Sil's apostles reside in the Clockwork Basilica, and while basilica isn't an exclusively Christian term, it is frequently used to describe a type of church architecture, and is a term the pope uses to recognize distinguished churches.

Another similarity that I found was in the plot of Morrowind, where Sotha Sil's death was caused at the hands of Almalexia, who was someone he had once loved and trusted, much like with Jesus and Judas.

The most notable life similarity as it relates to the Coldharbour Compact is that both leave the earthly world in order to make a deal for the benefit of the souls on earth, and then return to the earthly world. This parallel is given extra weight with the descriptions of the scene in the book 2920, The Last Year of the First Era. Sotha Sil returns from Coldharbour by way of someone "rolling aside the great boulder that blocked the entrance to the Dreaming Cavern. This sounds a lot like the scene in the bible of the discovery that Jesus had risen from the dead, where "an angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door" (Matthew 28:2). In addition, Jesus said "after He is killed, He will rise [on] the third day," (Matthew 17:23) and after Sotha Sil returned from Coldharbour, he "felt he had been away for months, years, but only a few days had transpired." Perhaps it had been 3?

In addition to the life and behavior similarities, there are similarities in dress. In the 2920 book, Sotha Sil is always described as wearing a white robe or cloak. In ESO, Sotha Sil is shown as barefoot, and wearing a blue sash over his long white robe. In medieval and renaissance art, Jesus is most always depicted as barefoot, and is frequently shown with a blue cloth over his shoulder. In most resurrection art, as well as in almost all 20th/21st century art, Jesus is depicted as dressed in white. While Jesus usually isn't usually shown wearing both the blue sash and the white robe at once like Sotha Sil is, I found one modern interpretation of Jesus that does dress him this way, and several depictions of him in Chinese art that also portray him like this.

I'm feeling almost conspiratorial here, but these similarities are far too many for me to think it's accidental, and therefore I have to think that all of this is meant to suggest that Sotha Sil serves a Christ-figure role in his story, i.e. in sacrificing own life like Jesus did in order to make his deal in the Coldharbour Compact. However I don't think Sil's sacrifice was quite so simple. After he is asked what he offered the Daedra in return for the deal, he states: "The deals we make with Daedra... [s]hould not be discussed with the innocent." This implies that in contrast to the Christ mythos, Sil's sacrifice was not blameless; he did not come out of the deal with his hands clean.

So, a Christ-like sacrifice that isn't quite as pure and selfless as it is in Christianity. What could that be?

My theory is that in order to make the Coldharbour Compact, he sold the lives of Vivec and Almalexia along with his own. Perhaps he told the princes that he knew the tribunal's godhood would end, and in exchange for their cooperation he promised not to tell the other tribunes or make any attempt to prevent his and his companions' demise. (After all, as far as I know he made the mechanical heart for keeping his city functional, not for recreating the divinity the heart of Lorkhan provided.) Or, maybe he offered to do something to assist in bringing the Tribunal down, and losing Sunder and Keening, the tools that helped them maintain their divinity, was intentional on his part. Sil deliberately sacrificing his own life appears to be reflected in Azura's statement after his death. She said "he shed his mortality long ago, and I am certain his death was no small relief to him." Of course she'd know that he let go of his life ages ago if he had willingly sold it to her. Of course she would be certain that he found his death to be a relief, if she'd heard him say so himself when he was explaining why a god would ever offer such a deal.

It would also make sense with Sotha Sil's character, since he allegedly loved the people on Nirn more than Almalexia or Vivec did, and the destruction of Gilverdale could have definitely been a traumatic enough reminder of the destruction of Ald Sotha for him to do something dramatic to prevent it ever happening again. And guilt over sacrificing his friends could have definitely been a contributing factor to the worsening self-isolation and intense depression in his later life. It would also be a definite explanation for why he apparently never met another soul in the 10 years between losing the tools and his death. Not only had he become extremely disillusioned with the imperfections of the world, he had now finalized the deal he made so long ago, and saw no point in continuing to interact with a deeply flawed world he was essentially finished with.

However, I do see some issues with this and how it would work in-universe. Namely the fact that Hermaeus Mora's seekers said the prince received something from every individual on Nirn as part of the deal, which is quite different from what I'm suggesting. A different deal for each prince would also explain why Sil was able to include Clavicus Vile and Mephala in the compact at a much later date. There would be no reason for Vile and Mephala to submit to a collective deal whose terms had already been decided. So if he offered the tribunal's lives as part of the deal, he would have needed to offer other things as well. But for me the most significant in-universe issue I struggled with was that using his death as a bargaining tool would create a massive problem for his ability to enforce the deal in the future. This could explain why both Molag Bal and Mehrunes Dagon manifested on Nirn after Sotha Sil's death, but since I think they were summoned by qualified mortals that could have been a loophole. Either way, making a deal that is meant to last forever by promising something that can never be taken back in the case of a breach of contract seems extremely short-sighted for someone who claims to be cursed with certainty. Especially considering how many of the princes there were known to be cheats and liars.

Unless, that is, you believe this theory I read about the reason why Sil was completely silent as he was killed. My original belief was that he was silent because he'd seen it coming long ago, and knew that nothing he could have said would have changed Almalexia's mind. And while that would be in character for him, now I'm starting to think that it was because he had already uploaded his consciousness elsewhere. This would fit in with the Christ-figure parallels, due to the Christian belief that Jesus is risen from the dead and very much alive. While Jesus returned to life at the same time he emerged from the cave, the completion of Sotha Sil's death sacrifice didn't happen until long after his return via the cave. While I have found no explicit evidence that he's still around, when you find his body in Morrowind he is shown hanging, with his arms outstretched at his sides, in a sort of crucifixion pose. And after the crucifixion comes the resurrection. Perhaps Sotha Sil is still around somewhere in the gears of his city, and he promised the princes he'd never be present or have any influence on Nirn so long as they kept up their end of the deal. Additionally, the 37th sermon of Vivec mentions Sotha Sil as holding "his swollen belly," carrying "[his] daughter." While Vivec's sermons are hardly ever literal, Kirkbride's comments suggest that maybe Vivec was being somewhat literal in this instance. Regarding this concept art, Kirkbride said "note the cosmic baby growing inside Sotha Sil. While Sotha Sil is dead as we saw in the add-on pack “Tribunal”, the child survived." Perhaps one of Sotha Sil's many body modifications made him able to carry and birth a child, and then he created a daughter through self-cloning or some other method that allows him to have enough influence to enforce the compact.

TL;DR - Sotha Sil has a lot of similarities with Jesus, so he's a Christ figure and therefore his sacrifice in the Coldharbour Compact was himself, and Almalexia and Vivec too, and that also means that he may still be around.

Anyways, thanks for reading and sorry if this sounds like I'm putting red strings on a wall as my application essay to the r/SothaSimps fan club. Also, lmk if I'm missing anything obvious. For me right now Reading Lore On The Bedroom Floor is a bit more manageable than playing the games, and there may be something I've just completely looked over.

[felassan]

Dragon Age II and Dragon Age: Inquisition concept art & assets from a 2016 talk/presentation by Matt Rhodes, titled “The World of Concept Art” [watch link & source]

It’s an interesting and insightful talk which I recommend watching, especially if you have an interest in concept art and related things like character design and how it fits into the overall game dev process. It’s also interesting to see a bit about how the DA team’s art direction/process has changed over time between games, and hear a bit about how they’ve been doing things going forwards for the next game.

This is Part 1. [Link to Part 2]

(Some notes on the commentary given on the images and in general in the presentation under the cut due to length.)

On image 2: DAII had a fast, hot production period where decisions were made very quickly. The devs knew that the central hub, Kirkwall, had been a center of an old slavery-based empire in the past, and wanted to have indications of this [in its art direction]. There were going to be giant statues that the PC eventually fought - on the right is the design for the statues as they originally were. In the top left, this is all they had for the location [owing to the intensive prod period]. They also had a general idea that they wanted to have tableaus that came to life, shown in the bottom left.

On image 3: Going back to the design of the giant statues, the beautiful golden clockwork version of the design doesn’t really say ‘tool of an ancient slavery-based empire’, so they took the model and tried to come up with something that had more of the kinds of shapes that get into the back of your head and say things like ‘aggressive, hard, simple’.

On image 4: So here they had started doing concepts trying to find some of the right poses, accessories etc that these things would have. One of the hearts of the internal ‘DA art [direction] codex’ is “gray and pointy”; if they give a concept like this to [then] Art Director Matthew Goldman he instinctively wants to go “Yes! Approve!”, and so has to kind of reign himself in a little bit.

On image 5: This is where they ended up getting to and how the concept art turned out in terms of the model, with some negotiation back and forth. This is an example of how their art direction process now tries to tell a story with the art (i.e. it tries to support the story through art aspects of the setting and the environment). Historically, they would have just thrown the French-looking, Baroque clockwork version of the statue into the game and gone with it. They are getting more and more intentional with this sort of thing.

On this image: This was an internal image made for internal discussion. The characters in it aren’t ones that exist or that became other characters, with the exception of the Warden, who kind of became Blackwall. In this image, they were trying to think about visual separation among members of a group at the most basic level (simple graphic design principles, like different shapes and colors). This image is part of trying to solve the design problem of having 4 different characters on-screen in the party at once in their games - as in, players of course need to be able to easily tell who is doing what and where.

A general comment: At BioWare, the concept artists nowadays involve themselves in the character design process much earlier than they used to. Historically, as in earlier games, the writers would write up a bunch of characters and then concept artists would be brought in to draw them. Through negotiation and back-and-forth they would then come up with something. Nowadays though, the concept artists are involved from Day 1. The writers now write down 2 words to describe a character and the artists do sketches based on that. The writers then will write a sentence and the artists will do more drawings based on that. Then it progresses to a paragraph and drawings based on that and so on. In this way it goes back and forth and they build it up so that the visual aspects and the writeup/content of the character are developed completely in tandem, complimentary to one another. This is their goal. They aren’t quite there yet, but this is what they’re trying to strive for in this area.

On image 6: These are Dorian concepts. His initial 2-word writeup was “rockstar mage”. They had different artists take different swings at him. The middle concept is Matt’s. The third concept is by Casper Konefal. Everyone was very excited about it and so it was then taken up to a more final stage (image 7).

On image 8: Casper is one of Matt’s favorite concept artists because he goes in and lovingly details absolutely everything - all the pieces of jewelry etc. Each ring has a story. This attention and level of detail and thought behind it adds authenticity and verisimilitude. 

On image 9: In game development, there is an effect on character design that can happen during review meetings. The concept/character artist will know what they need visually from a particular character’s design in order to visually tell the story and to help the character support that. Oftentimes, people who aren’t artists don’t have the language to describe this or realize that’s what’s going on in a character’s design, and instead they just see imperfections in the presented faces. What this can lead to is that unintentionally a group review meeting can slowly trim away all the features of a character that make them interesting or distinct. This is why, for many characters across the game industry, if they were shaved and had their facial decorations etc removed, it would be kind of hard to tell many of them apart, as they have all been subjected to this sort of “council sandblasting” process. Casper figured out an idea to help with this; annotating concept drawings with artistic knowledge that artists know intuitively, as has been done here. Artists know, for instance, that certain shapes and angles can allow for certain assumptions about the character to be made (for example, think about Cassandra’s personality and then consider the angular, straight strong lines that make up her face). Annotating like this and then presenting both versions alongside one another helps these aspects of character design be recognized in the review process, and helps characters remain more distinct.

On image 10: They knew that in DAI there was going to be a character who would be with the PC for the whole game - the humble little hermit, non-intrusive, someone quite closed off who the player wouldn’t know much about. “[quote] And at the very end of the game you’d basically find out that he’s Loki himself, or the embodiment of this ancient god that had been tricking you and basically manipulating you the whole time, characterized by a wolf.” And so Nick Thornborrow hung a wolf’s jaw bone off his neck and it was just there in plain sight the whole game. Because this detail was in the drawings at an early stage, it sparked conversations with the audio department, and the audio department could add touches from their end like having wolves howling when he walked into a new area. They could then get all of these different elements and things that could be hinted at, so that when you play the game a second time it’s like ‘They weren’t even hiding it!! It was there the whole time!!’ He loves that.

A general comment: Any one of BioWare’s 3D modelled characters standing in-game talking or animating probably ends up costing them something in the 40,000 - 60,000 dollar range (they calculated this).

A general comment: For DAI, the concept artists also started to get heavily involved in the storytelling side of things at a deeper level, doing things like quick’n’dirty storyboards for the cinematic designers and spending more time with the writers talking about what emotions they were trying to convey at different points and so forth. Since starting doing this, this has become a built-in part of their process.

A comment in the context of giving advice to up-and-coming and student artists, on the subject of how concepts and ideas are naturally thrown out during the process of iterating on ideas etc: “[quote] Right now, the project that I’m working on that I can’t talk about, I have 3 versions of the story in the garbage, and it’s awesome. Because now I’m working on the fourth with our lead writer and it’s so much better than it would have been otherwise and we’re doing it so much earlier so that we can actually change things up.” Said project could be DA4 or something else. (Please remember these comments were made in November 2016. MEA came out in 2017 and DA4 has been rebooted)

[source]

[akitokihojo]

Stay

Woah, two posts in one day? Yeah... yeeeeeeah. I don't usually post so late, but as I sat here staring at this document, I realized that if I don't post it now, I never will.

Okay, look, this story is extremely personal for me and I want to give a warning about that. If you know me or have been following me for a while, you may have noticed I tend to keep to myself, I'm quiet, and I'm private. But, as most humans, I have things I battle, too. I've been through things, too.

My coping mechanisms are humor and "add to cart." My therapy is writing. I decided to give this a shot. I've gotten personal with older fics before, but it's vague and I sort of lightly mix it in there like food seasonings. "Everything's Okay" and "A Moment" are examples of which. This story is largely based off something real. The emotion behind it is real. Very real.

Now, I will admit, the comfort added isn't. It's something I've realized over the past couple of years that I both crave and deserve. It's something that would help me incredibly, and maybe it's unrealistic, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I want it. So bad. So, I wrote. I made it happen.

I decided to project everything into my comfort otp, so if either Kagome or Inuyasha seem out of character, it's because they are. Sorry about that. It was difficult to keep their characteristics in tact. Particularly, Inuyasha. He's unbelievably soft here.

This is sloppy. I did my best to edit, but like I said, the longer I sat on it, the less likely it was bound to be posted. Just consider it unfiltered emotions if it seems messy, because that's what it's supposed to be.

Some disclaimers that I'll open up about: Yes, all of those negative things have been said to me by a past ex. What Kagome tells Inuyasha is very real for me. Also, replace "abusive father" with "abusive mother" and you've got it. :) I just didn't feel comfortable disrespecting mama higurashi with such slander, so since Kagome's father isn't in the picture, it was simpler.

Okay, I'm done. Thank you. If you read this, thank you. Again.

---

“Come on, Kagome. Show me.” Inuyasha encouraged supportively.

Kagome sighed, adjusting the shorts a bit better around her waist as she stared at herself in the mirror on the inside of the door. She’d comfortably tucked herself away in the walk-in closet of her boyfriend’s bedroom, preferring the space she had and the length of the mirror as opposed to the bathroom that only showed her up to her hips unless she bounced to her tippy toes.

“Houston, we have a problem.” She spoke.

“Define ‘problem.’” Inuyasha proposed. “Because, I realized a long time ago that you and I have two totally different definitions of the word.”

No, this was a definite problem. Unfortunately, it seemed she’d purchased clothing from one of the retailers that didn’t quite grasp that some woman had thicker asses and thighs. The shorts fit, but they hugged her in places she needed a little more room in. God forbid, she sit down. Then, they’d fit her like underwear.

The band was comfortable along her hips, but felt a little better if she pulled it up a smidge toward her waist. But then the underside of her booty cheeks popped out, and that for sure wasn’t something she could sport in public. Or, she could. She just wouldn’t be comfortable doing so. It wasn’t her style. She preferred a hint of more modesty. Not to mention, the shorts were very tight against her lady bits, and that was definitely something she didn’t want her clothing riding up on.

“Babe.”

“Curse these thighs.”

“Oh, see what I mean?” He chimed from the other side of the door. “That’s the exact opposite of a problem.”

“It’s a problem if the shorts don’t fit, Inuyasha.”

“Show me.”

“They don’t fit.”

“Okay, we’ll return them. But, show me first.”

“Why do you want to see them if they don’t fit?” She laughed lightly.

“Why wouldn’t I? Do I have to spell this out to you every time?” Inuyasha asked, making it obvious that he was feigning irritation.

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“Alright, first of all, I know you’re ridiculously critical of yourself. I have a more objective point of view, and therefore that makes my opinion the only valid one here.”

“Hey -“

“I’m not finished. Second, I love seeing you in tight clothing. That’s a given. You don’t have to keep it, and you should always wear things you’re comfortable in, but at least do the right thing and let me see first. I think I deserve that much. Third, and most importantly, ass and thighs. Your ass and thighs.” Inuyasha made a chef’s kiss motion even though she couldn’t see, losing himself in the thought of some of his favorite assets of hers. “You know damn well how much I love them. So, please - please - come out and show me, Kagome.”

Behind the door, she fought her smile, losing so quickly it was as if she hardly stood a chance against it. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her body, but he was right. There were some imperfections that had her self-conscious at times, and he knew without saying when they started dating over five months ago that her thighs were one of them. And, she could tell the half demon she called hers genuinely adored everything she deemed unworthy.

Giving a minor adjustment to make sure the area between her thighs had enough room to breathe, she sighed out any apprehension and opened the door. Inuyasha sat on the edge of the bed waiting, golden eyes instantly on her. He skimmed over the way she’d tucked her shirt into the underside of her bra to keep it out of the way, gazed at her tummy for a small moment, then drifted his sights down to the shorts hugging her snuggly.

He barely blinked, his expression practically blanking, and Kagome’s cheeks went red hot.

“Inuyasha?”

“Shh. I’m concentrating.”

Kagome laughed, turning away from him bashfully.

“Shit, no! I wasn’t ready for that!” He cried, pressing the heels of his hands into his temples as if he were in a panic. Her ass. It looked phenomenal. He wasn’t mentally prepared to see just how plump it looked in those bottoms, and it sent his mind reeling.

“What!?” She gasped, her hands instinctually falling to cover her butt as she spun back to face the way she’d originally been.

“Oh my god.” Inuyasha mewled. “Are you kidding me, Kagome!? Where’s the problem!? Where’s the mother fucking problem!? Because, I don’t see it!”

It was thought to be impossible, but she felt her face flush even hotter. So hot, she wanted to hide it, knowing full and well her embarrassment was visible and prominent. She kind of tucked her head down slightly, hoping the dim lighting in his room would be her ally and shade her blush while she presented her issues with the garment of clothing.

“Well, it’s tight on my thighs. See, when I do this -“ She explained as she lifted her leg slightly as if she was going to take a step forward. The bottom hem of her shorts tightened against her quad, squeezing around the plush before riding up an inch. “It’s not very comfortable. I like a bit of a looser fit. And, then my butt. It’s suffocating. I’m scared one wrong move will make these shorts rip.”

“God forbid.”

“Inuyasha, seriously.” She deadpanned.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m listening. Anything else?” He apologized with a grin, conceding.

“Yes. I can’t sit in these.”

“Why not?”

“Too tight.”

“So, you literally can’t sit?”

“No, I mean I’m sure I can. It’s just not a good idea.”

“Because, they’ll rip?”

“That. Or, they’ll turn into chonies.”

“What?”

“Underwear.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you got such versatile clothing. I could have sworn we were nowhere near the lingerie section.”

Kagome laughed through her groan, tossing her head back in minor exasperation due to her boyfriend’s sarcasm. It was going to be hard to describe, and she was sure if she attempted such he’d only throw more jokes her way, so she shut her mouth and decidedly took to demonstrating her vexation. She crossed the floor, hoped for the best, and plopped into a seat right next to Inuyasha. Her thighs fluffed out and her shorts effectively rode all the way up, giving her legs the attention they apparently demanded.

Inuyasha’s eyes were glued to her thighs and the way her clothing wrinkled along her anatomy. He’d had to press his lips into a tight line to prevent their proud and joyful crinkle, but it was so desperately difficult to fend off. Kagome was quick to notice and her brows pinched together, a small pout forming.

“You tricked me.” She murmured. “You wanted me to sit down, didn’t you?”

“I’ll admit, it was a lot easier than I expected it would be.” He said, gently stroking the pads of his fingers over the softness of her legs. “Again, I find it important to remind you that you and I clearly have very different definitions of what a problem is. This… this is not a problem. Not at all.”

“Well, see, I sort of wanted to be able to wear these outside of your apartment.” Kagome giggled, inadvertently melting into his touch. It was so light, it almost tickled, but she felt his warmth radiating from his hand, she felt his attraction, she felt his good-natured and honest feelings toward her body, and it was nothing short of what she both wanted and needed right now.

“I know, I know. We’ll return them and get a larger pair. Still, not a problem.” He grinned, planting his whole palm on her thigh and sliding it inward, shoving it to sit in the heat between. He leaned over and kissed her temple.

“Don’t even think about it.” Kagome hummed, leaning into his tender touch.

“Hm?”

“You’re about to lay down on my thighs, aren’t you?”

“What? I can’t?” The half demon pouted with legitimate shock on his brow.

“The moment you’re down, you’re down. You know damn well you’re not getting up if I let you, and I want to get out of these shorts.”

“But, Kagome -“

“Boy, if you knew exactly how these are constricting certain areas, you’d understand.” She laughed, playfully shoving his hand off of her as she stood. Before walking toward the closet where she’d left her skirt, she turned to face her boyfriend, bending at the waist and pushing his bangs from his forehead to plant a kiss against his skin. “I should get going soon, anyway. It’s getting late.”

“Don��t go, then.” He said, tone gruff as his amber eyes met hers. “Stay with me.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d asked her to stay the night, impromptu. Far from it. Every time, though, caused something in her chest to stir, something in her stomach to flutter, something in her bloodstream to effervesce in both a wonderful and unsettling way - the unsettling part deriding from a different emotion she’d recently noticed planting its roots somewhere inside of her. Inuyasha grabbed her hand, running his thumb over the tops of her fingers while his expression shifted to one of seriousness. No jokes, no funny business, no sarcasm was present any longer.

“I don’t feel like I got all the time I wanted with you. Since we were out and about most of the day, I feel like I had to share parts of you with the world, so now that it’s just you and I, I’m not quite ready to let you go. Will you stay?”

Internally, Kagome was telling herself to keep it together. It was such a small gesture, such a tiny request, but it was always the little things he said to her, like this, the mannerisms he displayed when he was sincere, the way his amber eyes met hers when he waited for her answer that had her feeling unstable. Like, she could cry. Like, she was more afraid than she was thirty seconds ago, or an hour ago, or when she saw his smile earlier this afternoon when they met up, or last night, or when she crashed and burned upon realizing what, exactly, it was she felt for Inuyasha a month ago. She swallowed, forcing herself to show none of that as she made a small smile appear on her face.

“Can I borrow a shirt to sleep in?”

A grin sprouted on Inuyasha’s lips as he kissed the hand he held, standing to cross over to his dresser.

“You want your favorite, or a different one?” He asked, ignoring the twitch his own sensitive ear gave as the wood scraped open.

“Whichever. Can I take a shower?”

“Of course.” He said in a manner that suggested she knew she didn’t have to ask by now. He was well-acquainted with her routine and how she preferred showers before bed as opposed to first thing in the morning. That, and they’d recently gotten her some extra toiletries to store in his bathroom for times she stayed over. He was equipped for her company, and sooner or later, Kagome was bound to learn that she was more than welcome to treat his place as her own. Her scent, her voice, her contagious laughter were all he needed, and if his apartment was filled with it, Inuyasha couldn’t think of anything that would make him happier.

Kagome took the large band tee the hanyou offered with a grateful smile and snagged some boxers from the top drawer he’d just opened with a playful, little scrunch of her nose before ambling over to the closet to pick up her skirt and reach for a towel on the shelf.

Why? Why was her heart thumping uncontrollably? She was so happy. So, so, so content. But, yet a crippling sensation was crawling its way up her esophagus to make home in her throat; to grow large, and dense, and sit there to make it impossible to swallow any longer. Ever since that night a month ago, when she’d hung up the phone after a goodnight call with Inuyasha - who was traveling at the time for work, was beyond tired, spoke to her in that husky tone she was utterly weak for, and who’d called out of mere courtesy to let her know he’d made it to his destination safely - she hadn’t been feeling secure. Not because of him. He hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, despite their little, bickering spats and his tendency to get a bit jealous over guys she spoke to, he was doing everything right. He wasn’t the one giving her reason to fear. It was her.

It was what she’d been through.

It was something she was so terrified he would turn around and say to her, that it practically debilitated her rational mind.

But, still, the feeling it stemmed from grew and expanded, the tree roots burying themselves in the soil of her heart, and Kagome was positive by now, after thirty days had passed with no decrease but, instead, the exact opposite, that there was no convincing herself that it wasn’t there. Because, every time she saw him smile, every time he held her hand, every time he expressed himself to her, it banged on her walls like an innocent prisoner demanding freedom.

When she was sure her emotions weren’t superficial, when she was positive there was no changing anything on her end, Kagome had to really look within herself to figure out how to maneuver about things. Did she openly tell him? Was there a right time to say these things? She even debated never saying anything at all, and for a good while, she was settled on that option. It wasn’t the right thing to do, though. It was like she was allowing her past, her previous broken heart, to dictate how she expressed affection toward others, and the potential ‘others’ who hadn’t done her wrong didn’t deserve that. Kagome had always been the type to wear her rather large and vulnerable heart on her sleeve. The cage she held it in now, it wasn’t locked. She wanted to put it back where it belonged, but she was so scared, it made her nauseous. The cage door was opened, held cracked from the inside, the weary organ protecting itself behind a barrier that just needed some encouragement to come out from.

Again, she’d wondered to herself countless times: was there a right moment to say something like this? Was there a procedure she needed to follow? She’d said it first last time, and nothing ended in her favor, so maybe she shouldn’t be the one to initiate this topic? Maybe it applied too much pressure? Should she just keep it to herself behind lock and key? Was he going to be receptive? Was it going to scare him away? Please, don’t scare him away. Please, please don’t leave.

And, countless times, she ended up in tears from the crushing weight of it. Kagome knew the truth. She didn’t have to consult anyone to know what the right thing to do was. It didn’t matter how many nights she stared at the ceiling obsessing over right and wrong, this or that, pros and cons, yes and no’s, because in the back of her mind, the answer was right there in big, bold letters. She was just trying to dance around it. It was so stressful. Something that was depicted as a happy and liberating occurrence was reduced to horrifying and anxiety-inducing for her.

The fact of the matter was, no one should have the power to change her heart. More so, Kagome shouldn’t give anyone that power. The way she felt so deeply was, in fact, a good thing. It was. It was. It was a fight just to get herself to understand that again, feeling like she was convincing herself of something she no longer believed, but she knew the only way she would, once more, feel that freedom was to open up. Stop hiding.

The thought was heavy. It didn’t sit comfortably with her. There were certain things Kagome was okay talking about, and there were certain things Kagome would rather eat up, swallow, and take to the grave. But, that was vulnerability, and she understood that if anyone deserved that part of you, it was your partner. Inuyasha was her partner. He was patient. He listened to her about things that made her uneasy, he took into account how she could be both a social butterfly sometimes and introverted during others, how when she was overwhelmed she had a tendency to shut down, how physical touch was her love language, and he even went so far as to ask her how she would prefer he respond to certain predicaments if she were to ever get overstimulated with him around.

Inuyasha had proved time and time again that he not only wanted to experience every side of her, but that he deserved it. He deserved it.

It jostled her to the core as she considered telling him now, her stomach churning, her heart pounding erratically, her bottom lip quivering as she’d learned to expect rejection. It was why she struggled initiating anything. It was why she had trouble saying the words to anyone but herself, “I want.” It was a learned reaction to her past trauma, but Inuyasha, the half dog demon she called hers, the silver-haired man who always did everything he could to make her feel safe while with him, the person who treated her as special as he’d insisted she was, wasn’t the one who’d hurt her. So, she’d decided over a week ago, she was going to do it. She was going to do it and let him know. Best case scenario, it was always nice to hear you’re loved and he may end up appreciating her confession. Worst case, things were going to get awkward and tense and it may end their relationship for good.

Kagome wanted to be Kagome again. Not the person she was before she’d met her ex. Not exactly, at least. She still wanted the lessons she’d learned with him to be applied to who she was. They were valuable, and not everything she learned had her closing off. As an open-minded thinker, she realized that not every wound left a scar, so not everything that happened made her a victim. Some things are just incidents that taught her lessons to take into tomorrow. So, she wanted to return to Kagome, the bright girl who faced her fears, who wore her precious heart on her sleeve, her loved with everything she had no matter what, but who was just a few experiences wiser. But, no one could do that for her. No one could give her that push she needed. It all came from within.

Of course, so did fear. So did nausea. So did that anxious part of her brain that said, “Let’s do it tomorrow, instead. Or, the day after that.”

Kagome took a deep breath, trembling as it may have been, and looked over to her boyfriend. He’d just removed his shirt from over his head, his short, tousled, silver strands appearing slightly messier than before once he was free, and he glanced over his shoulder her way, most likely feeling her eyes on him.

“Inuyasha,” She tried to come off as stable as possible, but there was an obvious waver in her tone that gave her trepidation away.

“Hm?” He hummed, the corners of his lips twitching downward before he dropped his shirt on the floor and faced her better.

“Can I - um…” It was impossible to hold her eyes steady on him, her deep, brown gaze falling to the floor every time she picked them up to look at him. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay. I’m all yours.”

Kagome took another breath, willing her body to stop fidgeting. It was Inuyasha. It was just Inuyasha. As soon as she realized there was no stilling her fingers beneath the clothes and towel she held, or the way she bit hard into the inside of her bottom lip, she felt the best course of action was to simply carry on; wavering eye contact, trembling fingers, quivering lips, and all.

“Let me first preface this with: please don’t say anything. Just let me get it out there. I don’t expect anything from you in return, there’s no pressure whatsoever, and I would rather you not say anything at all. Like, at all. Okay?”

Truthfully, Inuyasha was freaked out. Had something happened? Was she about to admit to something bad? Kagome looked about ready to breakdown and cry, and the fact that she was asking for him to remain completely silent only told him she was afraid of judgement. Never had she asked him to stay quiet before. And, he hated how apprehensive his girlfriend looked right now. His instinct was to solve the problem, so what was he supposed to do here but agree to her terms?

“What’s going on, Kagome?”

“Please?”

“Alright. I won’t talk. Now, spill.”

She pinched the back of her wrist to stay grounded, to keep from crying. God, she was so pathetically nervous, and three times now, she’d almost convinced herself to back out and pretend it was a joke. That wouldn’t be right, though. She wanted to cry so bad and she hadn’t even said anything yet, so she pinched herself harder, her nails incidentally digging in. As soon as she felt a degree of control fall back into her grasps, Kagome leveled her gaze at him.

The words sat on her tongue, weighted with the shackles she’d placed there herself. A lump had formed and solidified in her throat, clinging for dear life and making everything so much harder than it needed to be. God, she was really shaking. Her breathing was becoming unsteady as if she’d already started crying and she could feel her expression crinkling into something terribly sad. She knew that was how she appeared only from the way Inuyasha’s lips parted, how his brows curved in worry, how he wanted to reach for her but seemed so confused that he could only stand there and wait.

Like a bandaid. Once the words were out, it wouldn’t be so bad anymore. She just had to get through it.

“Um - I - I - I am -“ The stammering was relentless, and out of sheer obstinance, Kagome shied away for one moment, took a short breath, huffed it out, then faced him again. “I’m in love with you.”

There was a slight arch to his brow, and his chin inched to the side minutely. Very slowly, Inuyasha’s lips sealed and his gaze hardened, falling to the ground. Hastily, Kagome followed her confession with disclaimers, irrevocably panicking.

“A-and, I don’t expect you to say it back! You don’t have to say a word about it! There’s no pressure at all, Inuyasha! I swear!” With each statement, he seemed to be growing more and more tense, and Kagome was terrified she was only making matters worse, but she blinked profusely so her tears didn’t have the chance to breach the brim of her lids. “I just wanted you to know. So, yeah. Now you know.” Her voice had fallen to a hitch just above a whisper at that point, admonished.

Inuyasha kept his promise. He didn’t speak. Kagome was stiff in her spot, not quite knowing what move to make next. She hadn’t thought this far ahead. It was hard to think beyond her admittance in the first place. It was too quiet, and she could hear the clock in the living room loudly ticking seconds by.

“Just nod or shake your head; do you still want me to stay?” She asked sheepishly.

Finally, Inuyasha’s glowing stare rose to hers again, and it frighteningly seemed to grow harder, more tense. She saw the rigid muscles of his jaw clench, and his chest rose with the very slow inhale he took through his nose. Steadily, the hanyou responded with a firm nod. In the next moment, he gestured for her to head down the hall to the bathroom with a notch of his chin, which she wasted no time in complying to. Kagome bit her lip, hard, shakily turned on her heel, and left Inuyasha alone in the room.

The second he heard the bathroom door lock and the shower turn on, Inuyasha dropped his seat on the bed, crumbling forward as he braced his forehead in his hands, elbows jabbing into his thighs. His chest was physically aching, his throat tight, and Inuyasha felt thoroughly crushed. He could literally see the fear in her eyes, the anxiety holding her by the neck. Why? Had he given her some reason to worry? Had he made it seem like that was a taboo topic?

It didn’t take long to rationalize. Logically, he knew it wasn’t him. It wasn’t personal. And, he knew that because he knew exactly how it felt to be afraid of unadulterated vulnerability. It felt like you were naked, exposed to the world, trusting someone with something so valuable and important when you weren’t even sure if you could trust yourself with something like that. It was hard. It was nerve wracking.

But, there was something deeper to it.

Why else would she insist he didn’t respond? It was clear as day. He knew that feeling. He’d been hurt before, too. They’d been together for almost half a year, he knew a good portion of her story, and she knew just as much about his. It was impossible to know it all quite yet, though. Five, six months may seem like a long time to some, but it’s honestly nothing in retrospect. They’re just scratching the surface. He knew the general aspects about her abusive father, he knew she had an emo phase in high school, he knew the superficial shit like her favorite colors, foods, drinks, what medications she needed to take and how often, he knew how she tasted, her tickle spots, where the heating pads were stashed in her apartment - because she had multiple for easy accessibility depending on what room she was in while she was down for the count on her period, and he knew she’d had her heart broken before. But, he didn’t know every little detail about certain things yet.

Inuyasha had had his heart broken before, as well. He knew that feeling. He knew how gruesome and tedious it was to start over, how awful the idea of opening up all over again was, how awkward and weary it felt to tiptoe around specific subjects until you felt comfortable enough describing them, so on and so forth. He knew. Just, apparently, not as well as Kagome did. He was willing to guess that her heart wasn’t just broken. It was trampled on.

His most recent relationship was up and down. He and his ex were never on the same page. He fell quickly but his feelings were unrequited. Then, later on, she began to show more affection, but he’d become closed off by the time that came. Nevertheless, neither of them spoke those words. They never truly opened up about what they felt, how they felt, or why they felt anything, especially romantically. Up until now, Inuyasha had never heard the words, “I’m in love with you.”

Up until recently, Inuyasha had never felt the urge to say, “I’m in love with you.”

No.

That’s wrong.

Sure, recent was a broad term, but it happened several months ago. Several months too soon, he’d deemed. Kagome was playing with his niece, teaching the six year-old how to use a toy compass she’d brought home from class, and congratulating her excitedly whenever Rin got something right. His niece wasn’t shy by any means. She was talkative, playful, bubbly, and bright. But, she had this thing about being touched. She didn’t like it. Only certain somebodies could hold her, hugs were off the table unless you were one of four people, high fives were a maybe, and yet he watched the little girl ask Kagome to watch a movie with her when she was done with the compass, cuddle up next to her on the couch, and fall asleep on her lap without persuasion.

That was it. Kagome respected Rin’s autonomy and boundaries, and Rin let her in by the third time they’d met.

And, Inuyasha fell. Hard.

Again, too soon. So, not saying it was easy. No big deal. After a while, it sort of began spilling out in his idiosyncrasies, in the way he touched her, worshipped her, in the way he craved the knowledge on how to properly care for her. In his terms, he was being painfully obvious. It was almost humiliating how obvious he was being.

It just looks like it wasn’t obvious enough. How could he have expected her to understand? It’s not like she was fluent in his body language or habits. At this point, if she needed it spelled out to her, he’d happily do so.

Because, despite her overwhelming and damn near crippling fear she’d just waded through, Kagome still told him the truth. Kagome courageously stood there, attempted to look him in the eyes, and told him she loved him, no matter how scared or nervous she appeared. If he needed to say it back in order for her to understand, he could return the gesture without hesitation.

First, though, he needed to comprehend what was going through that head of hers. He wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. This wasn’t the time to do so. What she was feeling, that look in her eyes, it stemmed from something deep, something that wasn’t quite healed. He needed, desperately needed, to know what happened. He’d promised to keep his mouth shut earlier, but he hadn’t promised how long he’d hold that. She may have meant about that topic entirely, but that was something he couldn’t and wouldn’t agree to. There was no way in hell he was going to let this slide. Eventually, they were going to have to discuss this.

Now was that time.

Inuyasha suddenly stood, filled with a rage that had surfaced as soon as she shakily asked him if he still wanted her to stay, feeling so irate that he could only clench his fists and pace the floor. There was a good fucking chance this originated with her ex. Maybe her father, but his gut told him otherwise. The things he knew about that relationship were vague. Kagome didn’t like to fixate on it, which was reasonable for anyone who’d moved on, and they never really found a good time to open up about nitty gritty details pertaining to failed relationships; they were more focused on one another and their individual lives. He was fuming. What the fuck had that motherfucker done?

He knew they broke up over two years ago. He knew he’d dumped her just before their anniversary. He knew their relationship wasn’t entirely horrible, but much like he and his own ex-girlfriend, they were rarely on the same page. That’s about it, though. He’d heard a thing or two about how she’d realized way after they’d broken up just how toxic their relationship actually was - one of those late night, shower-thought epiphanies - but she never much elaborated. Hell, she talked about it all so rarely, Inuyasha had even forgotten the fucker’s name. He was her ex-boyfriend so that naturally deemed him irrelevant, because Inuyasha was her current boyfriend and that was all that fucking mattered. But, now he wished he remembered because it would make it at least a little easier to track the bitch ass down and punch his lights out.

She’d opened the door, and he needed to know what was on the other side of it. Inuyasha not only craved, but found it a foundational necessity to understand what had her so anxious to tell him how she felt. First, he recognized he needed to calm down. He couldn’t approach this with heightened emotion because it would cause Kagome to feel insecure and unsafe, which he would never allow her to feel around him.

That was hard for him to do, though. To swallow his frustration, push it aside. He felt things passionately, much like Kagome did. For her, for the light he always looked to for a sense of peace and felicity, for the woman he respected and cherished, he would do it. He could do it.

It took a moment, but Inuyasha left his room and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water to sip on and an extra one for his girlfriend. The shower had stopped running moments ago, and the hairdryer was now blowing. She was biding time. Kagome, more often than not, let her hair air dry. This was killing him. The fact that she was so afraid, so nervous, the fact that she felt anything but contentment in the face of pure and unbridled emotion. Inuyasha just wanted to burst through the bathroom door and tell her to stop, demand she look him in the eyes and say it again and watch how he would never turn away from her. What could he have possibly said that had her more content with silence?

Content wasn’t what she’d felt at all though, was it? Even after he’d kept his mouth shut, Kagome was still trembling, still incredibly uncomfortable.

He was going to the bottom of this.

But, something in his heart wrenched. Overall, he just hoped with everything he had that she didn’t regret telling him.

There was careful deliberation on where he should wait for her. He’d debated standing outside the bathroom door to guide her back with him, but that would apply a lot of pressure straight from a safe zone. There was always the option to sit on the couch until she emerged, but still, he was worried she’d feel like she was under a spotlight. No matter what, Inuyasha was going to be taking her back into his bedroom. It was cozy and comfortable, and he just wanted to fucking hold her. The best course of action was to let Kagome come to him. When she was ready. No matter how much patience wasn’t his virtue. So, he ambled back through the doorway with both water bottles in hand, placing them on the nightstand as he got himself into more comfortable clothing. He’d never finished changing after dropping his shirt on the floor. He grabbed his grey sweats off the end of the bed and shoved his legs into them after removing his jeans, then fished a black tank top out of his dresser, easily and quickly pulling it over his head.

It wasn’t a bad thing that she’d told him. Kagome should be proud of herself. Over and over again, she’d repeated that in her head, but she couldn’t stop herself from feeling like she’d done something wrong. Maybe she’d put him on the spot and made him uncomfortable. She should have at least given him the space to tell her he wasn’t ready to say it back if that was how he felt. That she would have completely and wholeheartedly understood without fault.

Now she was stuck in an unknown area, her head was foggy, her fingers kept trembling, and her eyes were puffy from crying like a baby in the shower. The goal was to tell him how she felt. It was a step in the right direction. A step toward who she truly was behind the protective walls. From this point on, depending on how Inuyasha was feeling, it might be best to pretend nothing happened. Sweep it under the rug.

Everything was so conflicting, so turbulent, and Kagome could bring herself to do nothing but stare at the bathroom doorknob. Her hair was dry, she was dressed in her borrowed outfit, smelling purely of Inuyasha, and even though he still wanted her to stay, she couldn’t believe anything other than the possibility that she’d ruined everything.

What would happen once she exited the bathroom? Would things be uncomfortable? Would he be laying down in bed, facing the wall away from her, silent? Would he ignore her? Would he say something she was terrified to hear right now? Or, was she trapped in her unhealthy thoughts? Was she preparing a response to something that wasn’t waiting for her outside that door? Was she not giving Inuyasha the opportunity to respond in his own, organic way, expecting all the responses she was trained to anticipate before?

With a deep breath, Kagome reached for the knob, twisting it to exit. The apartment was as quiet as it was when she locked herself inside, the clock in the living room ticking loudly as she slowly sauntered through. Lights were dim, but the bedroom, through the opened door, was inhabited. The lamps shaded the white walls in warm hues, and as she got closer she noticed a very soft hum of music playing through the bluetooth speakers he had set up in there, quiet but still melodic and comforting.

Though her heart was pounding and a jittery sensation within her chest was causing her to tread cautiously, she followed the path into his bedroom, spotting Inuyasha sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He was quick to notice her presence, sitting up and glancing at her, and even though she faked a smile with a curious notch of her head, it was clear he saw right through her. How wouldn’t he? If he already didn’t know her so well, it was obvious she wouldn’t go from cripplingly apprehensive before her shower to sweet and happy immediately after.

Inuyasha noticed the pink in her cheeks, the stupidly cute but feigned upturn of her plush lips, the way her deep eyes bounced away from him before coming right back only to repeat the same motions. His Kagome. His sweet, hurting, beautiful Kagome.

With an arch of his brow, the hanyou wagged his finger at her, ushering her over to sit on his lap. She was hesitant at first. She knew what was coming, but still, despite her slight discomfort, he released a small, breathy chuckle so she knew he wasn’t upset with her.

“C’mere.” He requested softly, patting his thighs.

“What?” Kagome returned, unsure.

“I want you. C’mere.”

Slowly, she crossed the floor, accepting her boyfriend’s support as she straddled his lap and got comfortable. An uncontrollable pout formed on her face when he looked into her eyes, she felt it, and humiliation washed over her, causing her to hide her expression between his shoulder and neck.

Inuyasha was patient, making sure she was secure in her seat before his hands traveled over her. At first, he couldn’t help but hug her tight. In this moment, Kagome seemed so fragile and he could already feel her body shaking against him. She knew he was going to talk whether she liked it or not.

Still, he gave her a little more time, relaxing against him, her chest melting on his, her arms wrapped around his shoulders but accepting his full support as his hands rubbed over her back soothingly.

“You want to tell me what happened back there?” He asked, opening back up the topic.

“Did I do it wrong?” Kagome spoke, her voice small.

“I’m not worried about right and wrong here, baby. Can you look at me for a second?”

Carefully, Kagome leaned back, giving him the attention he requested. His large, warm hands cradled her jaw, his thumbs caressing her cheeks, his eye contact firm.

“I never want you to be afraid to tell me something, okay? Especially, how you feel.”

Immediately, Kagome began to crumble. Her cheeks grew hot and her lips twitched downward sadly. Tears too quickly threatened her eyes, and Kagome was hasty to hide her face in his shoulder again.

“I need you to talk to me, Kagome. What’s going on?” He asked, returning to rubbing her back. In the silence as he waited, he picked up the back hem of the large shirt she wore, pushing his hands beneath so he could gently massage her skin. The heat from her, the softness, he craved it right now. “Was it something I did?”

Kagome fervently shook her head against him.

“I’m never going to understand unless you tell me, baby. That wasn’t the normal amount of nervousness you’d expect when saying something like that. So, what’s going on?”

“I just didn��t want you to feel obligated to say it back if you weren’t ready.” Kagome sniffled, hugging him tighter.

“Okay, I get that. And, what else?”

“That’s all.”

“You can’t lie to me.”

“Can we just pretend nothing happened and go back to our happy date night?” She whined playfully.

“Unfortunately, no.” Inuyasha chuckled, catching her small attempt at laughing off her problems. “I can’t do that while you’re crying on me, Kagome.”

“I’m not crying.” She sniffled again.

“Oh? You’re not?”

“Nope. These are just allergies.”

“And, what are you suddenly allergic to?”

“Feelings.” Kagome giggled, though she began crying harder, only because her boyfriend was being sweet and obviously getting through to her. She both hated and loved it at the same time.

Inuyasha kissed her shoulder, holding her a little tighter as his hand slipped higher up her bare back. The curve from her little slouch against him had her spine popping out slightly, and ever so softly, Inuyasha traced his fingers over the bones.

“What were you so afraid of me saying?” He all but whispered.

Mustering up some courage, Kagome leaned back, using one hand to meagerly clear her messy face of tears. She took a few unsteady breaths before speaking, her eyes falling to the hem of the collar of his black top, and she allowed her fingers to distractingly drag along it.

“I didn’t want you to tell me you loved me if you weren’t ready or felt pressured, because I don’t want you to take it back later on.”

The hanyou’s brows furrowed inquisitively and he was unable to bite back the reaction of his head cocking to the side in bemusement.

“What?” He almost hissed. “Why would I do that?”

Kagome didn’t answer, continuing to play with the shirt he wore.

“Kagome, why are you afraid of that happening? Don’t tell me -“ Inuyasha had to tense his breath in his lungs to refrain from letting his upset get the better of him. “Did your ex…?”

She responded with the littlest nod, worrying her bottom lip incessantly. “Multiple times.”

“Multiple times?” He echoed on an exhale, his expression widening. His hands were holding her hips, squeezing as comfortingly as possible, but Inuyasha was struck cold. Not only had someone shattered her, but someone managed to look at this woman on top of him and take back their love on more than one occasion? This girl? How? He’d only had her for half a year and he was scared shitless of losing her, so it didn’t make any fucking sense that someone would just toss her aside like that as if she meant nothing.

Slowly, Kagome curled forward, tucking herself against his shoulder. It was like a safety net. Inuyasha was so warm, he held her perfectly every time she felt emotional and vulnerable. As much as she didn’t want to talk about this, she knew this topic would come up eventually. It was a staple of her by now, something she was clearly conditioned to expect after years of receiving it, and even before she fell in love with the man stroking her back beneath her shirt, she knew this issue would arise. It wasn’t going to be easy or quick to work through, that was a given, and she knew he was ultimately going to need to know some of the toxic occurrences of her previous relationship; things that were done to her and things she’d done, as well. She’d considered it was going to be something he’d want clarity on as soon as she admitted her feelings. It was fair. Being on the other end of things, he deserved to know what she’d been through and why she inadvertently responded the way she had.

It was just hard. It was hard to think about and hard to talk about.

But, if she could power through her fear of admitting her feelings, then she could give him everything else, too. It was another step in the right direction, no matter how unsteady the pathway seemed.

“I told him I loved him first, and he responded by telling me I shouldn’t. He was my first love, so I didn’t really know how to react or what to say to that. It’s not like I could just take it back or agree or something.”

“Right.” Inuyasha almost hummed, listening intently to her explanation as he kissed her shoulder here and there.

“Almost a year later, he told me he was falling in love with me. A few months after that, he took it back and said he wasn’t so sure anymore since we’d been arguing.”

The half demon couldn’t control his reaction to hold Kagome a little tighter. It was like an attempt to protect her from things he knew he couldn’t begin to protect her from. If he could control it, no one would ever speak to her like that. No one would ever hurt her this way. No one would ever be able to apply that pressure to her shoulders, because how could she not feel obligated to be perfect and compliant in order to feel valued and cherished?

“Then, I don’t know how long later, he told me he loved me again. It stayed consistent for a while. He’d tell me periodically, particularly when I did nice things for him or if I said it first. Then, again, he ended up taking it back. I had felt it that time and asked him if he still loved me. He said, ‘I don’t know.’ Followed by,” Kagome’s fingers clutched Inuyasha’s shirt, exhaling tremblingly, though she had been doing so well at keeping it together. “‘Maybe soon I’ll love you again, though.’ So, I idiotically stayed. I held onto that hope. I waited and waited until we got into this stupid fight and he broke up with me the next day. He made sure to emphasize that he didn’t love me. But, said he might in the future, we’d just need to stay friends. ‘You never know what the future stores.’”

God, Inuyasha wanted to kill him.

“There was one night after we finally found separate places, we were packing, getting ready to move out of our shared apartment, and we were talking about old things. He told me he never loved me. And, I just never understood why things went on for so long just because he wasn’t sure. Why would you say it if you didn’t? Why couldn’t he have let me go sooner? What good was I if he didn’t even want me there? I wasn’t strong enough to leave, but he was because he literally hung that over my head for most of the time we were together, threatening me with leaving if I didn’t do something right. I have so many things to work through because of him, so many trauma responses to correct, trust issues that I’m projecting unto you, and he walked away like nothing ever happened.” Kagome cried, once again shaking against Inuyasha.

All he could do was kiss her, hush her soothingly, hold her tight, rub the hot flesh of her back. Let her cry. He understood now. He got it. It was why she struggled to take compliments the first time around. It was why she second-guessed sweet gestures. It was why she assumed everything was sarcastic and insincere. It was why she thought her love for him was problematic. She didn’t want him to say anything because she was scared of the words, “I love you.” They meant nothing to some people, they were used as tools, and so easily, they could be erased. Sad thing was, Inuyasha was sure that even if he said the words right here and now, she wouldn’t even believe him.

“Of course, he’s obviously not the sole reason for why I am the way that I am. Can’t give him credit for everything.” Kagome gave a wet giggle, again laughing through her problems. Her coping mechanisms were all over the place, but it was still cute.

Inuyasha sighed defeatedly, laughing lightly as he rested his head on her shoulder.

“So,” He breathed. “You didn’t want me to say anything because you figured nothing was better than something I could hurt you with.”

Her silence was as good as confirmation.

Inuyasha pulled her in firmer, an arm supporting her low back as he picked her up, rotated their bodies, crawled a little further on the bed, and laid her beneath him on the mattress. He had a knee between her legs, but rested on her side, an elbow propping him up while he used his free hand to gently swipe her tears away.

“It was more because I didn’t want you to feel pressured.” Kagome finally spoke after moments of peaceful silence, taking the opportunity he provided to calm down before continuing. “But, then I started to panic. I felt like this is supposed to be a good thing, right? Not everyone is going to respond the way he does, right? I just wanted to tell you so bad. It’s supposed to be a good thing, but I got trapped in my head thinking history would only repeat itself.”

“Baby, are you sure you were ready to tell me?” Inuyasha inquired, dragging his finger along her temple to clean the tears that followed gravity.

She nodded, her bottom lip quivering. “It’s bad enough that I’m afraid of love. I didn’t want to allow myself to sink and be afraid to love, too. That’s not me. I feel like I’d only be letting him stick around in my mind if I did that, but I just want to love you. I do.” Kagome cried, eyes falling away from him. “I wanted you to know, and I’ve been holding onto it long enough.”

Inuyasha leaned his head down, kissing her shoulder. It wasn’t enough for him. He needed to feel her skin beneath his lips so he pulled the baggy collar away so he could leave a tender and invisible mark on her clavicle.

“How long?” The hanyou breathed.

“A month or so.” She matched his soft tone, trying to steady her lungs and bring herself back to a calm. “The night you went on your business trip.”

“Europe?”

“Mhm.”

“Not too bad. It was the groggy voice, huh?”

Though her eyes were still wet and the hair at the sides of her temples were soaked, her cheeks flushed, Kagome glanced back over to him with a hint of surprise. “How’d you know?”

“Because, I knew I’d get a response from you. Always do.” He smirked, planting sweet kisses against her cheek, and moving up to kiss tears away.

“You know I like that?”

“It’s my job to read you like a book, baby. I take my work very seriously. You’re subtle, but I see things I do that you like. You’ve got little mannerisms that give you away.”

“Like what?”

He hummed a decline. “I’m not giving that secret to you. Let me have this. You know what I will tell you?”

“Hm?”

“Do you promise to hear me out? No interrupting, okay? Just listen to me.”

There was an increase in the tension that climbed through her muscles, and her pout turned weary. Inuyasha took a moment to continue kissing her temple, her cheekbone, his palm finding its way beneath her shirt to softly stroke her tummy. When she relaxed a little, he leaned back to look at her.

“Remember that day Rin took a nap with you? I stayed up that night. Couldn’t sleep. I had you here next to me, and I just couldn’t stop listening to the sound of your breathing. I was scared shitless, but the crazy fucking part was, even though you weren’t awake, having you right here helped keep me calm. It was counterintuitive. I was both scared of you and at peace with you. I wanted you to wake up and do that thing where you tickle the small of my back with your fingers because, god, nothing feels better than that. It was like you held all of me in the palm of your hands, and you could easily drop it in the trash at any given moment. But, it’s you. I knew you wouldn’t. That was my night, though. That was the moment I realized I was in love with you.”

Kagome hardened slightly, and he could literally hear how hard her heart was thumping within her chest. She didn’t smile, didn’t frown, didn’t make much of any expression really, aside from her brows giving a minor, inward twitch.

“That was quite a few months ago. Nothing’s changed. If anything, it’s gotten deeper. I’m so worried one day you’ll walk out those doors and never come back. I don’t want to lose you just as badly as you don’t want to lose me.” He was the one to hide his face this time, tucking it within her neck as he threaded his arms around her back, holding her close. He hadn’t expected her to clutch him in return, but she did. Immediately. Kagome supported him through his own moment of vulnerability, but more importantly, he felt it was a way to communicate her reception. “I don’t care how many times I have to say it until you begin to believe me. I don’t care what I have to do to make you feel secure in our relationship. I’ll do it all. You know I don’t say shit unless I mean it.”

“I believe you.” Kagome whispered, a small hiccup at the tale end that jostled her chest. “That’s the scary part.”

He nodded again, pulling away to gently press his forehead to hers for a moment.

“I get it.” Inuyasha breathed before leaning back to look her in the eyes. “But, one of these days you’ll understand that no matter what happens, I won’t take a damn thing back. You’ll see that I don’t want it back. I feel like my heart’s safer with you, anyway.”

“Stop it.” She pouted, but he knew that was her way of conceding. Even as she cried a little harder and tucked herself into his chest so he couldn’t see it. “You’re being too sweet. Be mean to me again.”

Inuyasha chuckled, raising his hand, “As you wish.” He said, smacking it down against her butt.

The little yelp she released was so sad but adorable as she flinched away from the sting, but it inadvertently brought her to cuddle closer to him. The hanyou laughed, brushing his fingers through her hair and massaging her scalp.

“Can you do something for me?” He asked.

“Hm?” She grumbled into his chest.

“Tell me again. This time look right at me. Don’t look away, don’t fidget, just trust me. That was my first time hearing it. I gotta hear it straight.”

She hadn’t realized Inuyasha hadn’t heard the words before. She didn’t know that. This was big for him too, if not bigger. Was she his first love? Was she the first person he’d ever said that to? Kagome felt a warmth course through her, and even though she was slightly nervous, she didn’t feel unsteady. Not while he held her. Not while his amber eyes were above her, watching her with an emotion she’d never before seen. She came out of hiding with a level of ease she hadn’t felt a moment ago, secure, one of his hands lightly trailing her side beneath her borrowed shirt.

Her fingers had a mind of their own, reaching for his cheek as she softly caressed it, her thumb tenderly rubbing over his bottom lip. “I love you, Inuyasha.”

It was like a sigh of relief left his lungs, and the corners of his mouth inched upward. His eyes were hooded with affection, and he leaned down to kiss her, lingering on her soft lips.

“Your turn.” Kagome whispered as he pulled away, her brown eyes shifting from his eyes to his lips.

It felt incredible that she wanted to hear it now. And, though he knew everything was going to take time until she felt comfortable with the idea that he wouldn’t take a damn thing back, he knew it would take time to work through her trust issues little-by-little, he didn’t mind. Because, she was his and he was hers, and he was all too happy to hold her hand and walk by her side while they figured everything out. He couldn’t fix this for her. He hated that he couldn’t take her pain away. That’s not how it worked, though. He knew this. She knew this. Inuyasha was her partner through everything, and he’d be the best fucking partner he could be.

He grinned with their foreheads pressed together, his hand on her waist gripping tighter as he couldn’t help but chuckle from sheer bliss. “God, I’m so fucking in love with you.”

Kagome smiled, pushing Inuyasha over to roll on top, once more straddling his hips as she gazed down at him. She wanted to burn this image of him in her mind. She never wanted to forget that soft look in his eyes, or the way he reached up and tenderly wiped away any remaining tears that stained her face. He meant it. She believed him. And, she hoped with everything inside of her that he never took it away from her.

She curled down, cuddling into her chest and Inuyasha immediately turned his head to kiss her forehead. He held her close, gently stroking her hair back and basking in her incredibly comforting heat. He loved her. He loved her so goddamn much. His Kagome.

“What do you need right now, baby?”

“Nothing.” She hummed.

“What do you want, then.”

He knew she struggled with that one, but whenever he asked, she did her best to communicate properly. “Touch my butt again.”

Inuyasha laughed huskily, his hands gliding down her back to take a firm and wonderful hold on her ass.

“And, pizza.”

“Oh, see, I’m a step ahead of you on that one. Ordered a couple before you got out of the shower.”

Kagome gave a short half whine - half squeal of happiness as she cuddled in closer and kissed his neck. “Thank you.”

[honeypirate]

In Madness lies Sanity

Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader - College AU

Based off the bit by Allan Watts. I read the transcript and I thought— Ushijima in love with his best friend listening to this talk about love in one of his classes and realizing that he needs to tell them the truth. Allan watts bit is in blue, the fic is in white.

Ushijima wasn’t one to dwell too long on trivial matters. He works through them and then forgets them. He focuses on what is important and what will bring him closer to his desired future. He isn’t one who is sucked into madness and drama, he has a strong level head and it’s something he takes pride in. So he’s trying to apply his ideas to how he handles his feelings for you, is it trivial? Is it important to tell you? He was struggling before he walked into class Monday morning and had his eyes opened by the video played during lecture.

- I’m going to talk to you about a particularly virulent and dangerous form of divine madness which is called falling in love. Which is, from a practical point of view, one of the most insane things you can do, or that can happen to you. Because in the eyes of a given woman or a given man, an opposite who go to the eyes of everybody else a perfectly plain and ordinary person can appear to be God or Goddess incarnate .... And this is an extraordinary disruptive experience a subversive experience in the conduct of human affairs

You were never a plain and ordinary person to him and he believes that’s where it got confused. He always has and always will see you as an extraordinary individual, regardless of things that may be seen as flaws or imperfections, regardless of your mistakes. You didn’t transform from one thing to the next, you were the same angel he knew, so when his heart flipped from friendship to love, he wasn’t paying attention.

- Because you never know when it will strike off for what reason. It’s something like contracting a very chronic disease once you get into it

If anyone asked Ushijima who his best friend is his first thought is you. His first thought thought is always you. His constant. His true best friend who is there for him through anything. He’ll open his mouth and say “y/n is my best friend” and when people would point out just how close they are he just shrugged, weren’t friends supposed to be close?

When he thinks back now, now that his feelings are obvious, he realizes that it was just a matter of time until he fell in love with you. He can pinpoint every moment along his life where love was obvious, every joke and hug that at the time he thought was just nice, when he loaned you his sweatshirt and then didn��t wash it because it smelled like you. When he would spend all his valuable and limited free time with you just because he liked the way you would smile as he walked you home. He thinks back to all of his dates in high school and college, of the dating app conversations he’s had or blind dates his friends had set up, and they all failed because of one simple reason- none of them were you.

- I would like to make some reflections on this particular form of madness, and to raise again a very disturbing question. And this disturbing question is as follows: Is it only when you are in love with another person that you see them as they really are? And in the ordinary way, when you are not in love with people you see only a fragmented version of that being.

He’s spent hours turned to days to weeks as he keeps thinking about whether or not he loves you or if he just thinks he could because of how close you already are. He’s lost track of time connecting different dots and making different lists and theories, replaying you’re entire friendship back in his head. He’s thought about the times he saw you drunk in college and puking on his shoes as he helps you home, when you decided you wanted to try and longboard and turfed it so bad your arm was gashed from wrist to elbow and he had carried you to the urgent care. all your reckless and crazy ideas you dragged him along with, you were almost as bad as tendou but he just wanted to take care of you as best as he could. He can feel the desire in his bones to make sure you were always taken care of, a feeling he knows he’ll have until he dies.

He thinks about when you had dated Oikawa and for the entire three months he had an ulcer but didn’t know why. He thought it was because of his pain relievers and quit them the week you broke up with him, not realizing the connection. When he’d get acid in his throat when you talked about dating someone else, he thought he just needed some milk. How blind he had been.

-Because when you are in love with someone you do indeed see them as a divine being. And suppose that’s what they are truly. And your eyes have by your beloved been opened in which case your beloved is serving to you as a kind of guru. An initiator. And that is why there is a form of sexual yoga, based on the idea that man and woman are to each other as mutual guru and student. And through a tremendous outpouring of psychic energy in total devotion and worship to this other person who is respectively the goddess of the god.

Being someone’s best and closest friend consisted of seeing their entirety and choosing to stay and love them anyway. To care for them. He can’t say for certain where he crossed over into love, into wanting to hug you and kiss you, wanting to be the only one you think about, but there’s not much he can do about it now and he doesn’t want to.

Ushijima sees you. He sees your good and your bad and everything in between, he sees you for you. Your ordinary mundane ways of life that he can’t help but want to share with you. Grocery shopping, library trips, post office runs, he wants them all to be done with you. He truly cannot imagine anyone else taking that spot in his heart.

Wanting to show you what he sees. What he knows to be true about you. he wants to scream from the rooftops how amazing you are and he’s not a very loud person. He sees the way you care for your friends selflessly and give and give all you have just so that others can be happy and you never complain. You do what you can when you can and still have time to take care of yourself he never knew how you did it so effortlessly, even when you’d vent to him you never regretted helping others.

He sees the way you lift up those around you. How you leave everyone a little more positive than before you talked to them. He doesn’t know how you do it. He’s convinced you’re an angel and he’s dying to show you just how amazing he knows you are. But he doesn’t want to ruin your friendship. He sees your entirety, your full book instead of just the cover, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He wanted to give you this energy and receive it in turn and he’s never been so absolutely terrified.

-You realize by total fusion and contact with the other organism. You go down to the divine center in them and it bounces back and you discover your own or you could put it in this way which is another aspect of it that by falling in love and regarding falling in love not just as a sort of sexual infatuation, because it’s always more than that, isn’t it. I mean you can have a great sexual enjoyment with a pleasant friend, you know. But you may do so simply because he or she appeals to your aesthetic senses. But when you fall in love, it’s a much more serious involvement, you just cannot forget this person. You feel miserable when not in their presence, you’re always yearning, that’s get to see more of each other let’s get together that’s we’re completely entangled and then you see you’ve actually kind of out what I would call spiritual element has been introduced. And the Hindus were sensible enough to realize that this was a means of awakening, enlightenment, and therefore it was. Surrounded. With a sort of rigid religious ritual meditative art, with a form of sexual yoga that is designed to allow the feeling of mutual love to the extent of grand passion to have an extremely fitting fulfillment and expression.

Ushijima has always thought you were beautiful. Any human with eyes would think that. But your beauty and attraction went far deeper than that. Sure he’s had fleeting thoughts about how good you looked in a dress but he never let them linger. It felt wrong to think of you like that. But now that he’s an adult, a grown man and not a teenager anymore, he wants to kiss you, to hold your hand, maybe more but it wasn’t about that. It was about the intimacy, the closeness, the vulnerability.

Awakening. Enlightenment. Two words that before he didn’t really think about. But now he feels changed. Now that he’s realized how much he loves you has lifted his spirits, made him dream of the passion and happiness you could have together. He feels himself slipping into the joy of being in love with his best friend and imagining all the ways that love could grow. He feels only half of himself when he’s without you, always needing to see you or be around you, but you never made him feel clingy or bad. You met him in kind, telling him how much you wanted to be around him too.

At first he thought that this love was a trivial thing, something he could push from his mind, but after his weeks of thought he knows this is a lot more serious than he’s experienced before.

-Falling in love is a thing that strikes like lightning and is therefore extremely analogous to the mystical vision. We don’t know. No how really people attain the mystical vision. There is not as yet a very clear rationale as to how it happens because we do know that it is opened to many people who never did anything to look for it. And many people especially in adolescence have had the mystical vision all of a sudden without the slightest warning and with no previous interest in that kind of thing

He remembers what he was doing when it dawned on him that he was in love, when he felt the air leave his lungs and his eyes widen softly when he realized how nice it would be to kiss your temple and he couldn’t even finish the thought as the feeling ran from his head to his toes.

He was standing in your kitchen as you finished making your lunch for the following day and you made a joke that made yourself laugh, he didn’t think it was a very funny joke but you didn’t care. You giggled to yourself and he couldn’t help but wish he could witness that forever. It hit him like a brick that he would, in almost an instant, give his entirety to you. It terrified him when he imagines you and him ending like his parents. But behind the terror, the fear of divorce, was a softer and quieter emotion that he tried to focus on harder than the insanity of his anxiety. A softer, lovelier, hopeful feeling that he usually gets every time you smile at him. That was the feeling he was searching for, everything else was irrelevant for a few glorious moments.

-But as yet we are not clear as to why it comes about and if there is any method of attaining it the best one is probably to give up the whole idea of getting it…. you see it is completely unpredictable and so it is in that way like falling in love, capricious and therefore crazy. But if you should be so fortunate as to encounter either of these experiences. It seems to me to be a total denial of life to refuse it. And what we therefore have to. Admit in our society is so that we can contain this kind of madness.

He called Tendou that evening, telling him that he thinks he loves you, and Tendou about had a conniption. He was in Paris as his best friend fell in love for the first time. He talked him through it, told him how good it can be. That yes it was going to be work but the reward would be worth it. To not sell himself short out of his own fears. He deserves much more than that. Tendou’s last phrase is what sunk in deep “I know it was unpredictable, that it feels so fickle, but that’s what love is like buddy! You can’t deny it Ushi, you can’t run from it or hide from it, it will only hurt you in the long run”

- You see, in this way we can think about and structure the necessary stable social institution of family sometime without it being constantly threatened of foundering on the rocks of love. Now you see this then means that when when people marry they take any vows at all to each other instead of saying that they will always be true to each other in the sense of meaning I Will Always Love YoU, It means I will be true to you in the sense of I will always be truthful to. I will not pretend that my feelings towards you ARE other than what they are. Because I marry you, because I think that you are a reasonable person to live with and therefore I want you to be you I want you to be someone else I want to be a rubber stamp of me–how boring that would be?! an arrangement in which people set each other free and make an alliance to cooperate with each other in certain ways. Now if it should so occur that they are of immense sexual attraction to each other, so much the better? That this should not be a primary factor in entering into marriage. Admittedly, you must be to a certain extent attractive to each other otherwise there will be no progeny. But this is this is seems to me to be a sensible and reasonable view and just because it is sensible and reasonable it can accommodate what is not sensible and reasonable which is falling in love.

Ushijima is terrified. He’s terrified because the instant immediate joy he felt when he realized he loved you was almost overtaken by worries and stress. He loves you! Now what? He loves structure in his life and he values stability but he knows how rocky relationships can be and how they can ultimately end. He knows he won’t deny it, he won’t back away because of his fear but he needs a plan. A plan to take to you and talk about it, he knows you’ll have the right thing to say but he doesn’t even know what he’ll even say to you yet. He loves that you are so carefree and goofy, a breath of fresh air to his stoicism. You’ve even gently worked your way so deep into his soul that you feel like his other half, his complete other in every way, someone who wasn’t like him at all and how wonderful that is.

Once in his life he thought that arranged marriages were smarter, you did it out of logic and bloodline and family, nothing messy to deal with. But that structure, that boring empty rocky foundation that an arrangement might bring made his mouth taste bad, although at the time he convinced himself it was because it would be more like another job that takes up his time (away from you)

Sensible and reasonable was right up his alley, he thought how nice it would be to have a mini him but he couldn’t think about having that with anyone. He couldn’t think of another half of dna that baby would share that would make it worth it. Not until he saw a picture of you holding your nephew, now whenever he thinks of his babies they share your genes. He thinks of a chunky baby with your eyes and his hair color, a mix of your personality and he’d share volleyball with them. He’s never wanted kids as much as he does when he thinks about sharing them with you. And that’s the part that feels senseless, the love part, the part where you give your entirety to someone and trust that they will care and keep you, no matter what happens, save its not infidelity or other deal breakers of yours he already knows.

Ushijima’s theorizing and thoughts about you over the course of time went from being about understanding why he feels like this to imagining fake scenarios where he wants to take you abroad to travel together, to be together every day and share the hard times and good times, babies or not, marriage or not. He just wants to make you happy for the rest of his life no matter what and he can’t go on much longer without knowing he has a chance to do so

- Well now really when we go back then to falling in love. And say it’s crazy falling. You see we don’t say rising into love. There is in it the idea of the fall. And it is goes back as a matter of fact two extremely fundamental things that there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk, is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble

And so here he was. Sitting on a bench outside of your dorm, feet bouncing as he stared at the small patch of grass growing in between the sidewalk crack. It’s been a while since that class and he’s been thinking about this constantly.

He knows the risk, feels it in his heart every time he meets up separately with his parents since their divorce. He sees it every time he remembers his childhood and the messy separation. That mess he never wants to repeat. The fall that comes with this love is like that class video had told him, ghastly. He doesn’t know if this could ruin it all, if he takes the leap of faith and it all comes crumbling down years later he’ll be just another divorce. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to end up like his parents and have a child who feels the same. But when he imagines his life he doesn’t think he could be haply without you by his side.

- the moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith, because you don’t really know that the floors not going to give in to your feet. The moment you take a journey what an act of faith. The moment you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship what an act of faith you see you’ve given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done surrender see and love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me, do anything you like with me. So, that’s quite mad because you see it’s letting things get out of control all sensible people keep things in control.

You know something is up the moment you open the doors and see his back on the bench. You were going to his place since he wasn’t answering his phone, you freeze at the doors at watch him for a moment as your anxiety spikes in your stomach. His shoulders are tense as he leans forward, elbows on his thighs and hands clasped together as he looks down between his bouncing feet. Before you really think about it, you follow the urge to comfort him, to talk to him and make sure it’s all okay. Your feet carry you quickly to his side and you sit down, pulling him into a side hug and wrapping your arms around him.

He gasps when you sit and as you’re wrapping your arms around him he furrows his brows and hugs you back. His heart racing As his fears take the back burner. He didn’t expect you to find him but he also didn’t know how long he’s been sitting here. He buries his face into your neck as he you hold each other in the cool spring evening.

“What’s wrong?” You ask as you hold him and feels his walls break down, his arms tighten around you

“I’m scared” he says quietly and his voice cracks

“Of what Toshi? You can always talk to me” Your fingers run through his hair softly and it soothes his nerves.

He pulls back and cups your cheeks, his eyebrows were still furrowed and his stoic expression was broken by his eyes that were swimming with worry and insecurity.

You saw everything in his eyes and you met him with your determination and steady unwavering love he finds in your eyes. God he feels so mad. So incredibly and undeniably mad and insane and like he isn’t in control. He needs to tell you. Needs the words to come out of his throat so he can calm his heart and soothe his ulcer. The anxiety felt like it was immeasurable and his breathing was starting to get faster until you placed your hands on his cheeks, smothering the bad feelings completely “it’s okay Wakatoshi, I’m right here”

Ushijima feels the exact moment his heart relaxes into the faith, the surrender into love trusting that the floor isn’t going to collapse under his feet, the moment he gives his whole self, body and soul, to the fall, and that moment was when your lips touched his for the first time. Then he let go, the madness left his body and was replaced with a calm assurance that yes, yes this was it, what he’s been waiting for, what he’s been yearning for.

- for all the cost and wisdom what is really sensible is to let go that is to commit oneself to give oneself up and that’s quite mad,

-so we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.