#bc even though it’s been several years and i fully accept myself now

[songofpurple-summer]

it’s been years since i’ve even thought about bare: a pop opera but i relistened to the soundtrack recently and genuinely all of us that could relate to Role of a Lifetime and See Me deserve financial compensation

[noxtivagus]

i think i can finally write again

[rainstormcolors]

hi! im curious how u feel about. Kaiba's ending in dsod as a devout kaiba fan

bc quite a few ppl ik *arent* rlly big on it for reasons that include but arent limited to "it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did" and etc which i dont agree with for sm reasons but im curious abt ur thoughts on the matter too 😭

Hello.

I’ve talked about DSoD and DSoD’s ending quite a bit over the years. I've come to understand the ending of DSoD to be layered on several levels, and it actually tackles several themes in the original work from different angles at the same time, and I think trying to force the ending into one neat "this is what definitely happened" box stifles that complexity. It’s deliberately open to interpretation. I also want to make room for fans who do not like DSoD. We have our preferences and individual concepts we value from canon, and carry personal experiences we relate to canon in different ways. Please understand to those reading this that it’s alright to omit this film from your internal design of canon.

I can talk some about my own relationship and journey with DSoD. I’ve loved Yu-Gi-Oh! for a long time. I watched the show as it aired and read the manga as it was released within the United States. One of my parents died when I was young. At the time I felt very disconnected from both that event and from the other people in my household. We never talked about our feelings and I was always vastly terrible at interpreting my own emotions and behaviors. The further catch here is we were seeing a grief therapist some, and I’d been in and out of therapy for a while before that as well. I just could not parse out any feelings at all and I didn’t know how to talk to other people about things. I was disconnected from it all. We flash forward to the release of DSoD. And to my surprise, something I didn’t expect from myself, I was talking to people. I was talking about what grief looked like even if a person wasn’t labeling it. I was talking about how sometimes we can’t name what we’re feeling. What I saw in DSoD were people grieving and I understood this. And I was communicating my ideas and emotions that had been so foggy up until then. I suppose this is the strange power of an autistic interest paired with personal experience – and I was actually trying to talk about feelings and trying to bond with other people.

And I was truly pondering on and reflecting -- not on a subconscious level but on a fully conscious one now -- on the loneliness and struggles the other people in my household had felt back then too. There had been a suicide attempt at a certain point which was something I had refused to let myself think about but I was now thinking about that too.

I like stories about the experience of grief over stories that are PSAs about grief. It was going to take a grief story with teeth and bite to awaken this piece of me, not a cutesy PSA on grieving. For me, it can feel like fandom at times has this idea that everyone has it in them to just talk about their feelings and reach out and that everyone has that, and that is just not true at all. (What a further surprise to me to discover later on why I was also drawn to elements of Death-T back then, back while I still felt so disconnected from “the experience of death.”)

I’m especially drawn to and touched by Seto’s narrative, but I think Yugi’s own story in DSoD harbors this as well. As I read this line, “it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did,” I think of how I feel the story was also about Yugi accepting that it’s okay for him to draw from the strength Atem gave to him and to feel inspired by Atem even though Atem is “gone” and that this is the meaning of why Atem joined Yugi in battle in that grand final showdown in DSoD.

As I said, there is the potential of multiple layered interpretations inside the film’s ending. There’s the theme of the power of friendship and love being able to break through the universe, that friendship can be so meaningful the barriers surrounding us can’t stop those feelings. It is love as a powerful force and Seto -- who had rejected others and feelings for so long, who has felt so disconnected from everything but those brief burning moments of winning -- has embraced love and what Atem meant to him. There is the hyperfictionalized portrayal of grief and its forms like emotions as art, and how grief stays with us but evolves and matures: Death-T as angry scarred grief and the negative impacts of the departed “villain” on the living “villain”, the Ceremonial Duel as the acceptance of grief and the positive impacts left by the departed “hero” on the living “hero”, and DSoD as finally seeing and understanding the departed one as just a person just as you are a person. And grief is a permanent marker on us. It doesn’t really go away. There’s the metaphorical portrayal of closure for the survivor finally being able to say goodbye to the one they love, to see that person outside of their grief for who they are and it’s painted in an artful and literal way, and it gives Seto the tools to move forward in life carrying Atem inside his heart. And there’s the wonder of science fiction as technology and humanity and the soul are fused. Our voices and images travel across the world through technology in our reality – could it travel even further? What are human beings capable of? And it’s about Atem still possibly being savable from this place, that death wasn’t his answer because people care about him. Someone wanted to see him this badly. There is no duel, no words we see exchanged, because this gesture already says everything. Seto being here to see Atem says everything.

It’s also a possible commentary on how scars don’t go away and sometimes we can’t save someone. Sometimes someone isn’t able to break free of their ghosts and it’s possible to wish peace for that person or to be left scarred by them or both at the same time. People can be warped by their trauma and not overcome it because it’s a hard hard road to walk. To only harbor any sympathy for the survivors who are healthy, cute, and palatable belies a very conditional idea of compassion. This isn’t to say the harm isn’t real or that people don’t need to be accountable for their actions, but they are human beings who have struggled and struggled. The wounds of trauma are not shallow and healing can be hard. Seto is only 18-years-old in DSoD.

Death and love are weaved throughout Seto’s entire story in canon.

While I understand what people mean as they say “Seto needs to face the consequences of his actions and should have a strain with Mokuba," when it’s employed as a critique of the movie, I also feel very strange and think, "That's just the way grief is. Or rather how it can be and how it is for a number of people.” As I said, my own family was horrible about any talking about our feelings in the wake of grief and then that suicide attempt. There was no PSA-type talk between us. For me, the mess of DSoD comes across as real even if it’s an exaggerated presentation.

I’ve also had very dark periods in my life, terrified of having no one understand me ever again, and this also grounds me into how Seto’s head and heart may have been working. I didn’t know how to talk to people about emotions, including my family even though I loved them, and everything felt dark and like I was endlessly sinking.

And I had a moment of truly understanding how profoundly alone my father must have felt when my mother died, as my father was just as friendless as I was and didn’t have outside family to help at all.

I had felt I was incapable of connecting with other people and I felt I saw that trait within Seto, and so watching canon tell me “the bond between Seto and Atem is real, it meant something” was very very moving for me. Even if you don’t know how to talk, you can find connection through what you do understand.

I do think it’s quite understandable for people to feel put off by DSoD and its ending. I think it’s quite fair that people root for Seto and Mokuba together and that they’ve hoped for a journey of healing. People become upset on Mokuba’s behalf. I personally connect with the messiness of grief and Seto’s conflicted heart and the artful and challenging portrayal of a person spilling over in grief. I do personally hold interpretations of Seto returning, so my answer here is also shaded by that. Even on Mokuba’s side, I’ve sort of been there and it allowed me to talk about that experience which isn’t an experience many people talk about. It’s very hush-hush in our day-to-day lives and it’s not easy to talk about.

Does DSoD reward Seto’s self-destructive behavior too much? I would say I’m not here for moral lessons and life is full of so many contradictions, so many tangled complicated layered emotions. It’s fair to hold this as a personal gripe with DSoD, but given the amount of audience backlash and discussion over this ending I don’t personally feel it’s actually a fully rewarding message. It’s more layered and thematic than that to me.

For a film for a big money-making mainstream shonen franchise, DSoD is unusually arty.

Again, people have their own experiences and people need different things from art. Someone else will carry a different relationship to DSoD, and someone else may need different things to come to terms with grief.

Thank you for the ask. I hope this answer wasn’t too wordy. I think it’s good to form your own opinions too. Thank you for reading my rambling.

[peculiarsasha]

So. About a year ago, I've made a list of my (Possibly Too High) Expectations towards relationships, after being single for the better part of 5years.

Now, I've been in a relationship again for almost half a year, and rediscovered my list - so let's see if I stayed true to myself I guess

"I'm very open & upfront about my asexuality. To even consider going out with someone, I need them to understand what that means.

In my personal case, I'm a sex-averse asexual and sexual interaction is off the table."

-> So. To be fair, my (allo) partner was very much ready to accept that. They respected my personal boundaries without questioning them - which in the end lead to me becoming more of a indifferent ace than an averse one - I still have approximately zero libido, but I have come to enjoy indulging ny partner. Probably because they are not pushy at all, and always accept my no without question if and when it comes up.

"I'm very careful about my phone number as well as meeting people in person. Call me paranoid, but I don't give out my number after chatting once, and I don't meet with strangers unless I've known them for at least a few weeks. If a potential partner decides to get pushy, I feel eveb more justified in my strict boundaries."

-> Hasn't really been an issue, bc I've known my partner for years before we started dating. They were very sweet about asking for my number anyway, and only did quite a while into knowing each other. I apprechiated that a lot.

"I'm demibiromantic, so there's very little chance I'll fall for someone I don't really know well. If a potential partner tries to push for a quick decision on whether or not I want to go steady, the answer will be no."

-> Again, not much of an issue, because we've known each other for years. But either way, when I asked them for more time once we became closer, they were 100% accepting and didn't push.

"I do not want to marry, nor do I want kids. No discussions."

-> Talked about that (casually) early on. 100% agree on the no-kids-thing. My partner accepts that I have no intention to marry, though they'd be open to it if I ever change my mind - which imo is sweet af.

"I have a bunch of weird, odd & unusual hobbies and interests, as well as a tendency to rant, ramble & philosophize about them. Mutual interest would be optimal, or at least the ability to indulge me without judgement. [...]" (Went into detail which isn't necessary here)

-> They don't judge my hobbies & interest, andthey themself share some, and do very much indulge me in discussions about mine (as well as theirs) whenever we feel like it. They may not get everything I'm on about, but they very much try to accept and learn about it (Which again is the sweetest thing imo)

"I need alone time. I enjoy texting and hanging out, but I'm a severe introvert and even people I care for deeply will eventually drain my energy."

-> I have never met anyone as respecting and understanding of this before. Neither of us feels the need to talk everyday. I've recently gone silent for over a week, and while they were sad about it, they respected it without question. Neither of us feels any need to be in constant contact - we trust each other fully.

"While I like going out every once in a while, I don't enjoy parties a lot. [...] I would prefer a partner who has similar views about this [...]"

-> Cut out a lot of unnecessary detail here, because my partner and I are pretty much the same in this regard, and it's perfect. We go out occasionally, but neither of us feels any need to act like an extrovert.

"I have mental health issues. I need a potential partner who doesn't only accept this, but also knows how to support me when things get bad."

-> This one is a little difficult. My partner doesn't have much experience with mental health issues, and they have managed to accidentally trigger me once. But. They try their very best to learn about my issues, be supportive and understanding, and go out of their way to make sure I am okay. I think they'll eventually get there.

"I'm severely awkward, especially with people I don't know well or don't feel comfortable around. It hardly shows through texting because I feel more in control."

-> Related to the previous point, my partner is still figuring out what that includes exactly. But we've known each other for a while, and I'm pretty comfy around them with most things, and they are very supportive whenever they notice I struggle with social interactions.

"If I don't know someone well, I don't want to he touched. If I feel comfortable, I'll become intensely cuddly."

-> Turns out, we're the same in that regard. I love it.

"I am deeply suspicious about random gifts, and I will understand them as an attempt to buy my affection."

-> No random gifts so far (which I'm thankful for), though they do somewhat insist on paying for things - the reason mainly being that they have a higher income than me. I'm okay with it so far, because they have shown no sign of expecting any payback for it.

So, imo, things are going pretty well!

It's a bit of a surprise, after meeting a lot of folks online who couldn't care less about my boundaries, and I thoroughly enjoy my relationship!

Hope it's not just seeing everything through rose-colored glasses, but for now I'm optimistic!

[jiminieloved]

Pt. 1 There are two schools of thought regarding when Jikook started dating. First and primary theory is INU era/2016. Most jikookers believe they became official following JK's coming of age. Second theory is 2017/ GCFt. Some believe that jikook became official in 2017 but could have/probably were engaged in not so platonic relations prior. I write this bc I find myself torn and want to have a discussion about it. There are things that lead me to believe both but both can't be equally true

pt. 2 In 2016 there is definitely a shift in how jikook interact. The sexual tension is palpable and we get many moments that IMO confirm at the very least intimacy: osaka vlive, graduation song JK sings to Jm, stares and etc. However, nothing signals couple more than their post GCFt aura. Even the members began policing their interactions. So, I am more inclined to believe theory 2 BUT I have a problem with thinking Jk and JM would be okay just fooling around with no strings attached..

Pt 3. Neither JM or JK seem like the type who would be okay with that sort of arrangement. I could be wrong, and that could explain some of the insecurity I see from JK prior to 2017. If there is intimacy with no label then one could understandably feel uncertain especially if internally they've defined the relationship. But, I do struggle with accepting the possibility that either would be okay with an undefined relationship but that could just be me projecting. So I am pulled to theory 1.

Pt 4. To sum it up, based on what I see and how I interpret it I am more drawn to theory 2, they started dating on 2017 but were intimate prior. The intimate "prior" part is one of the things that puts me on the fence. Based off Jikook's words and actions it's hard for me to see them engaging in undefined intimacy. However, that post GCFt aura which screams new couple + evidence of sexual intimacy in 2016 really makes me pause. I have more reasons for me being torn but your Thoughts?

I’m kind of hesitant to touch this one but since you took all the effort I will give you my thoughts. I’ll be answering in terms of a relationship shift, because we don’t know if they are in a defined relationship so I can’t speak to that. We do know that their relationship at some point took a turn from bickering and brotherly to tender and caring. And I have made some observations on this relationship shift in the process of making my timeline. Let me speak on some milestones we’ve observed, and how they might fit into the picture of their relationship. 

In March of 2015, Jungkook made a song recommendation which caused some heads to turn, especially from LGBT fans. Over the past few days he had recommended some extremely depressing songs, but this song was both depressing, and about an unrequited love for another man. It’s called “Memo” by Years & Years. 

To me, this marks that something in Jungkook was shifting, in his mentality, in his personal attitudes, and in his newfound love for LGBT+ artists and music (which would become more and more apparent in the future). It doesn’t necessarily mean that something happened between him and Jimin but I think it’s an important milestone, especially for our perception of who he was as a person. He didn’t let us in on too much in those days. 

As per Jimin’s mentality, I actually think that it’s hard to see as much as a shift because he’d been pretty loud about admiring Jungkook since the beginning. However, I think a good example of timing for the other members catching on to the depth of his admiration is in this MV reaction video.

Jimin keeps mentioning how good Jungkook looks, and eventually Hobi, apparently fed up, just says “think about that by yourself”. It is just an interesting thing to say. Not as huge of a moment but just a little detail that has always stood out to me.

Around this time, Jikook started showing up at the airports in matching, but generic looking outfits. It could be nothing, but it was interesting to me that around the same time of these ‘milestone’ shifts in mentality, they also started wearing matching outfits. 

The next big milestone for me, which I’ve already made a post about, happened in August of 2015. I remember the timing because it’s marked by Jimin fainting on stage at a fansign, though this probably (maybe) has nothing to do with the actual shift itself. Though... maybe it does, because the very next concert, 2 days later, Jungkook flirted with Jimin on stage, and Jimin couldn’t hold back his smile in response. 

Then, just a few days later, Jungkook gave another song recommendation, and Jimin tweeted a reference to the lyrics of the song with a blush emoji and a music note emoji in response??????????

The lyrics Jimin referenced? 

"I will pick off the stars and into your two hands, I will give them fully to you”

Receipts 

After this, a string of very interesting concert moments happened between the pair. I can’t help but to think something drastic changed. 

That being said, I do think there were more things that had to happen between the pair to arrive at the state they’re at now. 

That being said, just a month or so later Jungkook discovered and tweeted about Troye Sivan, and from there it was all downhill. lol

I can’t speak yet for what the following turning points were, but I think this is the most important turning point that happened in their relationship, maybe prior to 2017 and GCF Tokyo, because it was the gateway for all of the intimate behavior to start occurring in front of the camera. 

I think that behind the scenes things really changed in 2015, and it was a process of them coming to terms with whatever they are, and then becoming more and more comfortable showing that truth to the camera and the public. This was a several year long journey, and they are still on it even now. Things have surely changed behind the scenes between August 2015 and 2020, but I stand by my belief that whatever happened in 2015 allowed those other changes to slowly occur. 

I know this doesn’t directly answer your question, but I can’t tell you “Jikook started dating HERE because we don’t even know if they are dating. 

I am guessing you are hesitant about the possibility of an undefined relationship between the duo, maybe because of a cultural taboo or just a personal moral belief, but you have to understand that we really can’t just assume that they’re dating and state that as fact, and there’s also a lot more variables in their lives than there are in an every day relationship. I’m not saying they’re not dating, but it also wouldn’t shock me if they were undefined, or still are now. 

I absolutely can see them engaging in ‘undefined intimacy’ if I’m being honest with you. Jimin is a hopeless romantic, sure, but they were also mid-20s boys, and let’s be real, Jimin had been yearning for a loooong time. 

And I’ll tell you from personal experience as a gay person, undefined experimentation is pretty much a GIVEN for us when we’re figuring out our sexualities. Straight people don’t have to really think twice about ‘is what i’m feeling real? is it just a mistake? is it a phase? am i just fooling myself? will it stop being real when it becomes sexual?’ and 100 other questions. If you really do think they are dating, I can pretty much guarantee you they would’ve experimented with each other prior to putting any sort of label on it. With a few exceptions I’m sure, this is just simply how a lot of LGBT+ people figure themselves out, and I urge you to not view that as a negative thing. 

Anyway I’m not sure I said everything I want to but I’m running out of steam, lol. Hope this somewhat helped :)

[aphroditeslesbian]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Who are your top five NHL teams and why?

Ooooo this is fun! Thanks anon!

Short list:

Habs ❤️🤍💙

Pens 🐧

Canucks 🌈🌊

Caps 🦅

Leafs 🟦🍁🟦 (no really! I know I don’t talk about them much but its true!)

Over-wordy explanations/backstory for my relationship to each of these teams below the cut for those interested!

Montreal Canadiens. My dearly beloved Nana, who half-raised me, is a lifelong diehard Habs fan who grew up listening to their games on the radio and then later as an adult watching them duel with the Leafs on Saturday nights on a black-and-white tv (also a BIG Carey Price stan). Needless to say she rubbed off on me immensely, and I remember saying to myself at some point “well, if that’s Nana’s team, that’s gonna be my team too” and it stuck for life. I also had a friend in middle school who was a RELIGIOUS Habs fan who also worshipped at the altar of Jesus Price in those early 2010’s, so I heard a LOT about all of that every lunch break as he argued with friends who were Pens and Bruins fans lol. We went on the Bell Centre tour during the annual 9th grade French class trip to Quebec, and while I was mostly focused on getting to the gift shop to buy Nana a souvenir, I swear my friend’s eyes were the size of quarters the whole time lmao. (Would LOVE to go back now that I care a lot). Basically the Habs are the closest thing to a local NHL team our region has bc we get their broadcasts (though people choose their own team allegiances for various random personal reasons), and I grew up absorbing through osmosis both the legends of yore and the latest updates on whatever Carey and PK and the lads were up to. (Also I’ve been quietly in love with Price myself since at least the 2014 Olympics lol. My first best fav ❤️) Bottom line the Habs are My Team, the “I’m gonna be here even when it sucks, even when players move on, this is attached to me in a way I can’t quite explain” team that every hockey fan has in their heart. GO HABS GO!

Pittsburgh Penguins. If you were an elementary school kid in Nova Scotia when Sidney Crosby was first released and up through the 2010’s, you had two options: love him, or hate him, but you better accept you’re gonna be hearing about him a LOT. I settled on “vague fondness” and followed Sid from a newspaper-scanning distance and vaguely rooted for him because when he brought the Cup home it felt like we all won. And like I said, lots of passionate Pens fans in my grade school classes to hear from (he’s also the only non-Habs player my Nana likes lol). Then I got into hockey properly last year and learned about Geno beyond just knowing his name, and my chronic affection for large loveable Russians got combined with my longstanding vague “I hope the Penguins win” feelings and my “time to get the full story on the Sidney Crosby’s Penguins narrative I only ever watched from a distance” research, in a manner not unlike the creation of the PowerPuff Girls ([chemical X] etc etc lol) to create a potent adoration for this team that rocketed them to second place in my heart. Also the fandom is just so damn fun and makes such great content, and that definitely feeds my level of engagement with the Pens!! Sometimes, when I want an emotional pick-me-up I watch one of their last 3 championship films just to remember what joy and optimism is — I would love to be present as a real-time fan for another adventure like that. With how much I know about them and how much I care, they’re my #2 for sure. I love those flightless fucks!!

Vancouver Canucks. So I started watching live NHL hockey games last summer around I think game 2 of the Habs’ first round series against the Flyers (I saw Price’s “Miracle Save” on twitter while following along bc I was intrigued by the fact that they made it through the play-ins, and was like “OKAY NOW I GOTTA SEE THIS SHIT LIVE”). That was really fun! Riiiight up until the Habs got eliminated. :/ And I was like “well, shit. I’m enjoying this hockey thing too much to stop now. who else is still around I can root for?” And the Canucks were the last Canadian team still in it, and there was buzz about their miraculous first-round win but also uncertainty I believe Markstrom had *just* got injured. So I started watching, ended up witnessing the Bubble Demko Miracle unfold live, had my heart charmed off me by “whatever the hell those two lil blonde bitches have going on” and a delightful underdog story, and here I am. Hitched to the Canuck wagon whether I enjoy it or not. Here for whatever happens! (Doesn’t hurt that I love me some Elton John too 😉)

Washington Capitals. I’m a person who is more likely to be really engaged with a team that has super interesting personalities, characters, and narratives around it — and my GOD are the Capitals good for that. I absolutely definitely started down this road with that mic’d up video from the 2018 final of Ovi telling Nicke “after me, I give it to you baby!” re: the Cup. Like I can pinpoint that there was a day I saw that for the first time in a gifset, squinted at the screen, said “you’re fucking with me...”, went to youtube, watched it be for reals, and was like “well. now I need to know more about ALL this.” After watching games and learning more about the team, I really enjoy the Caps’ “big dumb found family of stone-cold total weirdos” energy, their fun collective chemistry, their Cup story, etc. And oh BOY the fandom is fun during game lb’s! I love all the in-jokes and player nicknames, our delight with the quirks of our colourful wonderful broadcast crew (shoutout Wine Uncles & Co), the way we cheer for record-breaking milestones like they’re a first NHL goal! Being a fan of the Caps AND the Pens can be a bit awkward sometimes, and the team certainly has its blemishes, but my heart is big enough for two Metro teams for sure, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Toronto Maple Leafs. So like, as you can imagine from my previously described upbringing in Hab Land, “haha Leafs suck” is a punchline I have long been familiar with and trained to recite. I got a solid 3 days of laughter and entertainment out of the whole Zamboni Driver Saga last February, oh boy did I ever. But the thing is.... I have the Leafs to thank for the fact that I watch hockey now. See, the entire reason I started paying proper attention to the playoff bubble last summer was because one day, I happened to see the phrase “WHAT IS HAPPENING” trending at 16k tweets on twitter, and clicked on it like “huh?”. Turns out the Leafs were in the middle of their miraculous 3-minute comeback against Columbus and the country was losing its mind. And when they won, I was like “huh... the Zamboni Team is doing THIS??? I may have to start paying attention to this playoffs thing, because if they go All The Way I think that might be the only thing funnier than the Zamboni Incident”. Aaaaand when they immediately lost the next game and were eliminated I was like “lol, sounds about right” and was then immediately distracted by news of the Habs winning the play-in round. So then I spent several months watching playoffs and forgetting about the Leafs. And then one day in early October, looking on YouTube for more hockey to watch after the playoffs ended, I stumbled across something called a Hat Pick, and boy I actually enjoyed this shouty man’s sense of humour and takes on the game... and then when I ran out of Hat Picks and Dangits I watched some Trade Trees, which pulled back the curtain on the business side of the game... and then I discovered LFR’s, which were good background noise for doing tasks... and then I was recommended the episode of the Steve Dangle Podcast about Mitch Marner and The List... and next thing I knew I was listening to more of this podcast, because I found Steve and the guys to be insightful and funny and there was no hockey to watch, and I was trepidatious about accidentally stumbling into the more toxic corners of hockey fandom if I branched out for other content... and, well. If you spend enough hours listening to people passionately analyze every facet of a team, shout and cheer over a team, make fun of that team, nearly cry over that team... it’s really REALLY hard to not start to care about it. Leafs analysis was basically how I learned most of what I’ve learned about hockey this past year! And kudos to Steve and Adam and Jesse, their passionate investment in the Leafs and great content has got ME invested in the Leafs mainly because I want to see things go well for them. I want Charlie Brown to kick the football! I love a triumph over adversity story! Also, I think if the Leafs did Do The Thing it would basically be the combination of “Cubs win the World Series” and “Raptors are the champs” and I wanna watch the city of Toronto go fully apeshit from a safe distance. I don’t adore many their individual players as much as I do some other teams higher on this list, and I still laugh far too much when things go super comically impossibly badly for them, but I am actually pulling for the Leafs!! I want to see it all pay off for them. I want them to go all the way. Gimme that “LEAFS WIN!!!” (Unless it’s against someone above them on this list lol)

[krisiverse]

Hey I’m the anon who sent the amputee fic, first of all thank you for letting me know. I must say I never saw it that way and I’m so sorry about that, that was callous of me and I know better now. I think I still don’t fully understand the severity of it, but I will try to educate myself better about it. The author probably didn’t mean it that way either but ah... it’s not our place. I’m really sorry it caused distress, I just really love angst and I love seeing how characters respond to pressure, so I was blinded. Again, my sincerest apologies. Also sorry to kip for sending it in in the first place.

If I may ask, what are some things to avoid when writing a disabled character? Does this mean we shouldn’t do canon character amputee aus? For future reference. I feel awful, I’d like to avoid making this mistake again.

(Sorry I sent this on kip’s blog but I wanted to make sure it reached you so I sent it here too because I really want to learn, feel free to simply reply there instead)

Hi it’s me again haha, ah forgive my ignorance but allow me to elaborate. From my understanding, the author made him independent, not helpless and didn’t need to be coddled. And I did think there would be a grieving and adjustment period after, realistically.

Throughout, I didn’t pity him at all since he figured out a new way of life. The prosthetic wasn’t perfect, it was heavy so he’d still have to work with that... I’m sure my ignorance is obscuring my view but I just wanted to let you know this is how I saw it...;;v;; but please do enlighten me on how this could’ve been done better.;;v;;

hi okay! so first things first for anyone else reading this, here is the fic i was uncomfortable about, and here is the ask i sent to kip @botwstoriesandsuch regarding it

second, i wanna say thank you for asking and trying to learn better and be respectful! and before i get into the problems i saw with the fic itself I'll say though i am disabled, i'm not an amputee and i'm definitely not a final authority of any sort, nor am i trying to call anyone out. i'm just trying to say what i personally felt was iffy about it.

you can write fics involving disability but it's important to do it respectfully, which imo the OP of the fic did not. and like you said it isn't because of any sort of malice on their part, they just didn't know any better, which is understandable! when i was first reading it i couldn't really tell what about it made me uncomfortable either, it was only after spending some time thinking about it that i figured out what exactly it was.

but okay let's get into this! essentially my problem with the fic is the way it frames disability as this enormous tragedy you can never fully recover from, which is just simply not true? obviously there will be an adjustment period, but it's just that: a period of time you take to adjust and adapt to your new circumstances. having revali do nothing but sit around and feel bad about himself for YEARS until getting his prosthetic is... unrealistic, not true to his character, and frankly insulting. I find it really difficult to believe that revali, who was constantly pushing himself to perfect his Gale despite failing repeatedly and having feathers torn out of his body by using it, would just... give up? not try to learn to use a bow by using a foot instead of an arm (which i know people can do irl, and it would be easier with rito's more prehensile feet) and he wouldn't try to learn to use a one-handed throwing weapon as a replacement, a spear, a boomerang, throwing knives, ANYTHING?

not to mention the end of the fic, where he's surprised by a prosthetic he'd stated he didn't want, by his abled friends because Clearly They Know Better :). like... he should have had a say in it. he deserves a say in it, he shouldn't be pressured by these people who are "helping" him, like i KNOW he was doing badly before that but goddamn all that's going to do is add more trust issues. and then all the struggle and difficulties of HAVING a prosthetic are just glossed over, like it just fixes everything? i mean... he says it's heavy, but it's framed as more of a complaint than an actual ISSUE, you know? he doesn't even have trouble flying, which he SHOULD considering he's off balance and hasn't been able to fly in years and i just. gah. for a fic that's about revali it sure doesn't focus much on what he's going through apart from the way it affects OTHERS, which is a recurring issue with disabilities both mental and physical, and it's basically just "revali is mean and sad and then he gets a prosthetic and it's all better :)" which is NOT HOW IT WORKS!! it's not how it works.

and there's a bunch of stuff in the writing about revali not being helpless and not wanting people to pity him but the structure of the fic and the things they show... just doesn't support that? i mean the number one thing disabled people do is adapt, because we can and we HAVE to, and you're gonna tell me that the great warrior revali can't use a spoon one-handed. and he's going to spend years just wallowing in his depression. ok.

but yeah uhh i hope that clears up the gripes i had about it!! to be clear i'm not mad at you or the author i'm just... kinda tired bc i see this So Much. disabled people aren't useless, or tragic, we just... exist. and obviously there are things we can't do, and we need help sometimes, but we DON'T need abled people to swoop in and "save" us oh my god.

anyway you asked for tips on how to write disabled characters, and i don't know if i have any general tips offhand but i do have a couple things that this particular fic could have done better? specifically revali ought to have had more agency, again i can't stress enough how Bad the trope of "fixing" things for a disabled person is, not to mention the fact that he... can still... do things? tbh i feel like it'd fit him more to, at the start, very aggressively try to find Things He Can Still Do and throw himself into them as hard as he can, so hard he gets hurt in the process. he'd still refuse pity (and any help at all, at first) but he can slowly come to learn that accepting help when you need to isn't a weakness, it's a strength, and no one sees him as less capable now (and if they did, the other champions would have Words for him.) The journey should be around him learning to accept his disability as a part of him, and learning to accept help from others, and IF a prosthetic came into the picture it should be by his choice and his choice alone.

but yeah! thank you for reading this to anyone who got this far, and i would really like to hear other opinions about it

[incomprehensiblelentils]

@dollsome-does-tumblr​ does this and opened it up to anyone and I am feeling chatty today SO!

Because I co-write a lot with my lovely wife, I might answer some questions including those co-written stories, or I might not, depends on how I feel when I get there.

name:

Megan but I go by Lentils most places on the internet, Shadowcrawler over on AO3

fandoms:

at the moment: MCU, especially Agents of SHIELD and Daredevil; Terminator: Dark Fate; Halt and Catch Fire. Oh and I wrote Dollhouse fanfics a thousand years ago. Sometimes I will watch a movie/show and think “those two girls should be gay” and bang out 2k of fic about it and then never write for that fandom again. (I THOUGHT this was going to be HACF but as it turns out, no, it’s not done with me yet.)

where you post:

AO3, at Shadowcrawler. I also have a tumblr @lentils-writes​ where theoretically I post links to fics/advertise them in the tags, because I used to be real precious about not putting porn on this blog, but fuck it.

most popular multi-chapter fic:

Co-written, it’s definitely mallverse, which is I think the reason most writers definitely hate us because it’s very long and there are a lot of tags lmao. The problem is that every tagged character HAS shown up in a significant fashion at some point so we can’t just...untag them! It doesn’t update weekly anymore because we’re exhausted by life lmao so at least there’s that???

As for a multi-chapter fic that was just me, I don’t tend to do that so much, so actually it’s say you will, my 3-chapter Endgame fix-it where Clint dies instead of Natasha and Natasha and Laura have a past. It actually has over 1000 hits which is very exciting! I feel like it’s...niche in a way that is frustrating but understandable lol. I put a lot of my heart into it and some people really liked it, so that’s gratifying.

favorite story you’ve written so far:

Co-written, I think our SHIELD Dollhouse AU is very underrated for the amount of work we put into it. Author bias evident here because I love Dollhouse warts and all, and it’s a lot of fun translating episode plots as well as the general trajectory of the show into stuff that will work with SHIELD characters. We don’t just rewrite episodes, we really try and rework them as needed. Also it features both Skimmons and my beloved rarepair Bobbi/Kara, though of course they won’t get together until later.

Of my own stuff, I’m still really really proud of the AU where Kara Palamas didn’t die. I think that was a pretty severe misstep of the show and I think I did a good job of fixing it. (I haven’t forgotten Kara, promise!)

fic you were nervous to post:

lolololol I wrote some uh. Terminator pornography last year and. They are very porny! I had co-written a bunch of smut obviously, but that was the first time I’d posted like, PWP all by myself on purpose??? and that was TERRIFYING. Also I was very nervous to post the Engame fix-it because that was my own personal goodbye/tribute to Natasha.

how you choose your titles:

They are always either song lyrics or jokes (such as Three Lawyers and a Baby, my Daredevil Accidental Baby Acquisition fic). My WIP docs are always titled either obvious shit like “RoseJannah horse girls” or memes like “what if we belonged to a fire cult and we fucked haha just kidding unless...?” or “Morgan has two mommies.”

do you outline?:

B and I typically outline for the co-written fics, although it’s more often chapter-by-chapter outlines since that’s how we write them. On occasion we’ve fully planned multi-chapter stuff out in advance but that’s less common. Oh and the one-shots are nearly always outlined as well, just to keep ourselves organized.

When I have written planned multi-chapter fics in the past I have used outlines - particularly for the Kara one and I had to do that for the SHIELD Kill Bill AU because I was trying to follow the format of the movie. For things that are allegedly supposed to be one-shots I almost never outline, which turns out to be a terrible idea when they inevitably balloon beyond my control and become 45k like say you will. That one, I wrote out a list of scenes I thought needed to be in it and then I wrote about 75% of those scenes and then I wrote a bunch more scenes I hadn’t planned for. Don’t be like me, kids!

complete fics:

According to AO3, 89 as of right now. Uh, you do not want me to list all of them, here’s a link, I guess!

in progress:

I don’t understand what the difference is between this question and the WIP questions lmao help????

posted WIPs that I have active plans to continue at this time:

Cowritten: mallverse as I said, and its femslash smut oneshots spinoff and character flashbacks spinoff and older characters/teachers spinoff (these get updated, uh, irregularly), the first half of a Piper/Snowflake SHIELD s7 fic that we are planning on finishing the second half of soonish, SHIELD Dollhouse AU, SHIELD Teen Beach AU, SHIELD Buffy AU. You may notice a pattern!

By myself, I have: Have Your Elf a Merry Little Christmas, a Terminator Hallmark Christmas fic that I ambitiously posted the first chapter of in 2019 and then lost steam immediately (I am going to go back to it sooner or later bc I had some cute ideas for it); the SHIELD Fate of the Furious AU that has one chapter to go and which I do intend on finishing eventually; Three Lawyers and a Little Lady, the Daredevil Accidentally Baby Acquisition AU that is literally just cute kidfic and poly avocados and which I have a bunch of ideas for and just need to buckle down and finish some.

posted WIPs that I have given up on:

Lol so there’s a Dollhouse Caroline/Bennett Doctor Who AU that I wrote purely as idfic and which nobody ever cared about except me, and I think that ship has sailed! RIP darlings. I also had an ongoing Skimmons series waaaay back when where I posted oneshots that were like missing scenes or gay readings for each s1 episode, and I just feel like it would be inauthentic to even try and finish it at this point. (It does include the first ever Skimmons fic to be posted on AO3! Really truly, there’s one fic that shows up as older but it’s an ongoing fic and was updated with the tag way after I posted mine.)

exchange fics due soon/unrevealed:

I haven’t done an exchange since like 2015 lololol I am so bad at them. I am currently working on finishing up my MCU Femslash bingo card, very late, and I do have plans for almost all of the remaining squares!

WIPs that live in my fanfic folder and are incomplete and who knows when they’ll be finished:

“RoseJannah horse girls,” which has been put on hold temporarily but is literally just Rose and Jannah being gay while riding orbaks

half of a Daisy/Gwen fic from Marvel Rising because I know they’re not making any more of those but I stg those two were really gay

multiple fics about Elise Nelson-Page including: avocados Halloween with smol Elise, Aunt Elektra very reluctantly taking smol Elise shopping until she realizes smol Elise also likes weapons (she buys her a fake katana), Uncle Frank is a pushover and spoils the shit out of Elise, and baby Elise has a high fever and everyone freaks out but then she gets better and smile at them for the first time (inspired by baby me lol).

coming soon/not yet started:

“Morgan has two mommies,” yet another Endgame fix-it where Maya Hansen did not die in Iron Man 3 and she resurfaces and she and Pepper kiss and eventually she adopts Morgan

Claire and Colleen go on a nice date to get coffee/tea where Danny doesn’t interrupt them goddammit

Bobbi/Kara Warehouse 13 AU which is sort of like “For the Team” but gayer ft. grappling hook

X-Men: Evolution Tabby/Amara fluff

Cameron/Donna character study disguised as smut

Grace proposes to Dani with a ring made out of the metal from her power source and Carl officiates the wedding 

Dani gets horny watching Grace eat a peach and jerks off and Grace ends up hearing her and then they fuck (I have been calling this “the peach fic” in my head but I gotta stop being delicate about it lmfao it is just porn)

B and I have plans to do a Nico/Karolina Jasper in Deadland AU but we keep forgetting

I MUST WRITE FOGGY AND KAREN SADLY FUCKING IN A CHURCH WHILE THEY MOURN MATT THIS YEAR I STG

do you accept prompts:

uhhhhhh I have on occasion written a prompt for someone before but it’s pretty rare and I have enough trouble writing the shit I come up with in my own head lol. but never say never?

upcoming story you are most excited to write:

I’ve got a bit of the Bobbi/Kara Warehouse fic written and it’s nice to go back to that world. Also I’m weirdly excited about the Cam/Donna smutty character study I mentioned above, I have a lot of what I think are good ideas for it and it’ll be fun.

tagging @unwind-myself @swiftzeldas @swashbucklery @loved-the-stars-too-fondly and, if you want to, you!

[transrightsjimin]

i was tagged by @soulmates7 thank you!!

7 ALBUMS GAME

Rules: Make an image HERE of your top 7 albums, just type in the name and select the album. This can be top 7 of all time or this year or whatever you’d like. 

ok i couldnt choose at all so now i have two images

but also i worked for 6+ hours on looking up bands i had seen live or used to listen to more often and i made a list with albums and singles that i have repeated / re-visited a lot or that simply mean a lot to me nd that i’d recommend to others. it was a bit hard to make bc i also love a lot of songs that are single releases with only 1-2 songs, but i don’t listen to them like you would to a longer single / mini album / full albums. i wanted to include laboum’s full length albums (two of us and low pop wow) but those sadly have the lowest production value in most of the songs so i cannot enjoy those fully. there’s also some older plastic tree albums from the 1990s that are hard to access for listeners so i can’t add those. anyway this is the full list (in progress) lol

CHECK IN GAME

1. How has your day been?

quite ok! i slept for 9 hours thats fucking wild, idk how that happened but im grateful! did cry abt gender stuff and am a bit frustrated abt how i took so many hours to look into old albums instead of do useful stuff, but it was very fun and inspiring.

2. What’s the last thing that made you smile?

hmm idk? i dont rly like, keep track of when i do or dont smile when im not in public hgghkjg

maybe the halloween pictures my mom sent me from her home? those were fun. or maybe my friend. idk i was quite cheerful / neutral this morning but since later in the afternoon i had a dip(?)

3. What’s keeping you entertained these days?

uhmmm ive been recently watching halloween-related videos by Abby Green on youtube and rly enjoy her vids on makeup and halloween films and other chitchat and her makeup looks are so cute! also im watching sabrinah the teenage witch episodes from time to time w my friend in the evenings, though we also watched more of stuff recently like goosebumps episodes and films and the griezelbus film and carrie yesterday. we also watch a bunch of other shows but im not too entertained by them, i just find it hard to look away hjfdkhg

4. If you are in some kind of quarantine/self-isolation, what do you hope to achieve in this time?

uh i dont know? my country has never had a real full lockdown but i of c do try to limit going outside aside from working hours, though life hasnt been much different from pre-pandemic as i rarely do fun stuff anyway. i was always inside at home for most of the time but i dont do super exciting stuff here too bc i’ve probably never gotten out of my burnout i got in 2013. i did recently watch stuff together w friends online like watch bts stuff or try to dance together but everyone is either busy or has shitty connection nd it just didnt rly work.

i mean i do want to help better my mental health through CGT and giving myself more structure nd being stricter w bedtime. i rly hope my mental health will get better but idk if i can bc the CGT appointments are 12 in total and after that the therapy stops. it rly sucks but i accepted the offer as i otherwise would be on another waiting list elsewhere too and at the previous place i had therapy for several years, i kept getting new therapists regularly too bc of stuff like their contracts ending or pregancy so i guess im used to not being able to see a therapist for a long time. so idk.

i want to get better mental health and better concentration. i also just need to get a stupid fucking job bc while i dont want to work at all, i have to to be able to live and i need a reason to get out of bed every day to go somewhere so i would have more structure and be less depressed. i mean i could say i want to draw more and dance and read more but ive been saying that for years and i still rarely do it bc im so demotivated nd have worsened focus for years and my special interests are all over the place so i never think about getting stuff done while i really should.

5. Post selfie, if you’re comfortable doing so

from a while ago. it gave me 70s vibes somehow, i like it

LAST SONG

versailles - prince (got bored so i quit playing the song)

LAST SAVED PICTURE

the downscaled selfie and 7 album pictures above

tagging: @princeshojo @lampshroomomg​  @trespassers-will @baepsrae

[krisseycrystal]

rated: g

fandom: Steven Universe

prompt: “Competition” + BisPearl (& Steven)

requested by: @moominquartz​ (& myself)

SO I’M PRETTY SURE when my darling husband, Isaiah, first said “I can’t decide to request BisPearl w/ Competition or Protecting Someone You Love” I said “both” but then SUF ended and I cried my eyes out and got slammed with feelings to explore Steven’s adventures post-show, out on his own, while still connecting with the gems who love him 

maybe just bc under this past year i, too, moved out for good across the country from my family and i want to see him enjoying it

so now have this lengthy oneshot. enjoy!!

- o - o - o -

Put it There [Read on AO3]

- o - o - o -

Give me your hand, I’d like to shake it, I wanna show you I’m your friend You’ll understand if I can make it clear, It’s all that matters in the end

- o - o - o - 

Steven is in some tiny nowhere town in the snow-capped mountains of Wyobrado when Pearl comes to visit. Unlike Amethyst, Pearl doesn’t have a bag in her hand when she arrives. She warps in to the nearest pad with the clothes on her back and a bright smile on her face and as soon as she sees him, she extends her hands and trills, “Oh, Steven!” and Steven lets her run to him, laughing as they crash into each other.

The air is full of, “So how’ve you been?” and “I’m so happy to see you again,” and “I saw the pictures you sent! You look like you’re taking to skiing much better than roller-skating!” and “Oh! Is that what it looks like?”

They talk for the entire drive down the mountainside to the classic 50’s-style diner run by Old Marjory. Steven finds out this was a mistake when Old Marjory, who absolutely adores him, meets Pearl, who also absolutely adores him. Steven tries to hide his head under his menu and even then, he doesn’t feel like he’s able to fully escape.

“Did you have to tell her the one about the Ready-Whip?” he whines once Old Marjory has stepped away.

Pearl laughs. Steven watches her thumbs fly across the screen of her phone and wonders if he’s part of the reason she’s somehow gotten so fast at texting while he’s been gone. “Why? Were you embarrassed?”

“Uh, duh! Anything that happens when you’re twelve is embarrassing.” 

“Huh. Really? I wouldn’t know.”

Steven scoffs and props his elbow up on the formica table. “Course you wouldn’t,” he says with his cheek squished against the heel of his hand. He watches the birds gathering on the telephone wires on the street. After a moment of silence, he looks to Pearl again.

Her pale blue eyes are still on her phone.

Huh.

“So, uh, I know we just drove down the mountain, but we’re going to have to drive back up after dinner to get to the B&B I’m staying at. Sorry about that. Old Marjory’s chicken and waffles make the out-of-the-way drive totally worth it though; I promise.”

Steven looks up from where his finger has begun to idly draw shapes on the patterned formica.

Pearl’s response is a second delayed. “Hm? Oh, no, that’s fine. You know I don’t mind riding in the Dondai with you.” 

“Yeah,” Steven says slowly. His eyes dart between Pearl’s face and her phone, hovering in front of her pointed nose. “Speaking of which, the B&B is really cool. It looks like a ski lodge, but much smaller. It’s got this awesome stone fireplace in the common room; I can’t wait for you to see it! I love playing the new Hummingbird with my feet up against the gate.”

“That sounds wonderful, Steven.”

“Yeah…” Steven swallows. He drops his hand from his cheek and straightens up. “So, hey, uh, is everything okay?”

Pearl’s gaze finally snaps up. “Huh? Oh, yes. Everything’s fine.” She smiles and--for the first time that Steven can remember--instead of putting her phone away in the ether of her gem, she turns it over and places it on the table at her elbow. Just before she locks the screen, Steven thinks he catches the name sprawled across the top of the text message window.

Peridot. 

Double huh.

He didn’t know those two were on such familiar speaking terms.

“Do you like it here in Peak City?”

Steven chuckles and shrugs, but avoids meeting Pearl’s gaze. He knows what she’s really asking. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. Old Marjory’s waffles do make a pretty convincing argument to stay. I just…don’t know if this is the place for me yet.”

“That’s okay! You haven’t been to all 39 states yet. You still have 12 more left, right? That’s 12 more options and countless more cities among them, too.”

It’s the little things--the little details that Pearl remembers--that shows how much she really does pay attention to his texts and letters. His heart feels warm. Whatever tension that was building in his body ebbs. He crosses his arms over the formica table. “Yeah,” he sighs and smiles.

He is so, so glad to see Pearl.

Pearl continues right on as if he hadn’t said a word and he lets her prattle, listening fondly with his chin resting against his forearm.

“You’ll find your place, Steven. And even if that place changes over time, that’s okay, too. Why, you know how many temples your mother, Garnet, and I went through before we settled on the one in Beach City? Not that there were many completed temples on Earth before the war started, and not to mention there were a lot of upgrades we had to do to the temple’s interior to make it suitable, but stars, you should have seen it before we put our own spin on it! Come to think of it, that temple has undergone several changes since then, as well…”

- o - o - o -

It’s not like Pearl needs a bed, but they accept the cot anyway from the kindhearted B&B owner when his husband nods at them from over his shoulder with a look that reads, “Just let him give you the thing and be done with it.” 

The cot remains folded and upright on its wheels, pressed to the far wall, as Steven and Pearl stay up late into the night talking and talking and talking.

“How’s everyone in Beach City?”

“Great. The annual Food Truck Fair was two weeks ago. It was a--what do you call it? A hit? Everyone loved it; Beach City had hundreds of off-season visitors. Mayor Nanafua was proud. So was Mr. Dewey, I think. You should come by to see it next year; Blue Lace is talking about getting a Spacetries truck for it.”

“That’s amazing!”

“Little Homeschool’s growing every day. Winter Break’s coming up too, you know. Garnet, Amethyst, your father, and I have been talking about using the time off to come see you together, if you don’t mind dealing with us again in a few weeks.”

“You know there’s nothing I’d love more than that.”

Pearl smiles and puts her hand in his curly hair. She leans forward and presses a kiss to his brow.

“We can talk more tomorrow. Why don’t you get some sleep?”

“Kay. Love you, Pearl.”

“I love you, too, Steven.”

- o - o - o -

Steven isn’t sure what wakes him. He stares groggily at the red 2:03 AM glaring at him from next to the bed and rolls over.

The light of Pearl’s phone screen illuminates her waxy, furrowed face. Her gaze is focused, thumbs moving rapidly across the bottom. Again. A deep frown curls her mouth. Tension tightens her form and stiffens her already rigid posture.

“Pearl?” he groans.

Pearl’s head jerks up from her phone. The light catches her surprise before she locks the screen and douses the room in night. 

“Steven?” her voice swims to him from the chair closest to the curtained window. “I’m sorry. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“I don’t think so.” He rubs at an eye. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes.”

Steven wishes he could see her. Pearl may have been the original secret-keeper, but she has never been good at lying. He wonders if he should ask about her phone; if he should question what’s going on with Peridot and whatever it is that’s got Pearl frowning so much when it’s only the first night of her visit.

But he wonders if that’s just him being petty, hoping she would be so excited to see him that nothing could be wrong.

“You’d tell me if it wasn’t, right?”

There’s a split-second of hesitation. At first, Steven worries that it means whatever follows will be a lie and he doesn’t want to think about the implications of that--but then the mattress dips and familiar, slender fingers card through his curls. A warm hand brushes against the curve of his ear.

“I would, Steven.” 

Steven takes a breath. He tells himself to trust those words. With Pearl’s hand in his hair, he falls back to sleep.

- o - o - o -

The next morning, Steven wakes to find that it has once again snowed outside his bedroom window, just as it has for so many of the other nights he’s spent at this B&B. He thinks this might be the perfect time to finally get Pearl on a set of skis at the resort further up the mountain.

“Have you ever done this before?”

“You know,” Pearl says as she stares at the giant boots Steven hands her, “I think I’d remember if I had.”

Steven snickers and takes that as a no. He gets to his knees in front of her feet. “Just a heads-up, then: these are going to get pretty tight.”

“What? Steven? What are you--” Pearl’s face does a weird thing when she looks at him. When he raises an eyebrow, pale blue floods her cheeks and she waves a hand, looking away. “--s-sorry. Go on. What were you saying about the boots?”

“Uh.” 

Steven half-wonders if he should say something. He’s spoken with his therapist about this before: how he’s gotten instinctively used to knowing when one of the gems are looking at him but not seeing him. His therapist has said not to skip over that feeling like he has learned to do his entire life.

This could be such a good moment to practice it; he knows it could be. 

But he straps on Pearl’s boots for her and says, “I said they’ll feel tight. They’re supposed to be,” anyway and feels disappointed in himself.

“You’re sure I shouldn’t fashion my own?”

“It’s better not to. They’re tight for a reason. You’ll see.” Steven stands back up and picks up the skis sitting next to the crate Pearl’s perched on. He reaches out to hand Pearl her rented set when Pearl’s phone chimes.

“Oh!” As if struck, Pearl straightens. Her hand flies into her pocket. “I’m sorry. Give me just one second, Steven.”

“Oh…uh, okay.” Steven withdraws his hand. And the skis.

The excited smile that had been stretching Pearl’s mouth dims the instant she unlocks her cell.

Steven’s fingers tap against the flat side of his own skis. “You sure everything’s okay?”

Pearl doesn’t answer. She stares at her screen with a deep frown until finally her thumbs dance across its surface madly. “I’m sorry, Steven. What did you say?” she asks when she’s finally done.

Steven watches the phone slip right back into Pearl’s pocket, not her pearl. He passes over the skis.

“It’s nothing.”

- o - o - o -

They take a bunny hill first. 

Pearl is nervous, as Steven remembers he himself was a few days ago, but he smiles warmly as he and the attendant patiently explain over and over again how, exactly, she is supposed to fall. 

“Why is this even a thing?” Pearl mumbles and Steven laughs. “A sport in which humans first have to learn how to properly fail before they can even begin trying?”

Isn’t that just life? Steven wants to say, but the words balance on the tip of his tongue and don’t slip off. He laughs and shrugs and says instead, “I don’t really know. Must be a human thing, I guess. I think we do a lot of that in general, anyway.”

There’s something in Pearl’s gaze that makes Steven’s chest warm and fuzzy when she looks at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Pearl shakes her head. Her soft smile melts into something determined. “All right. Okay! Let’s do this--this--what did you call it? Skiing? Let’s ski, shall we?” she cries and pulls down the snow goggles she fashioned around her own head.

Pearl takes the bunny hill stiffly, her body refusing to yield the snow. She descends the slope in a completely straight line.

Steven laughs so hard he almost falls over.

- o - o - o -

Pearl is a quick study. Steven has always admired that about her: how quickly she can adapt and master a new skill. They talk the entire ski-lift up to the higher hill about it and Pearl gets so bashful after all of his compliments and says, “Oh, stop it,” and Steven realizes how much he really was looking forward to this: spending time with Pearl again.

Then Pearl’s phone chimes.

And Steven’s smile slips.

“Oh! One moment,” Pearl says. 

Steven watches the emotions that play across her face as she bends over her phone. He hates the way his chest twists at them. He hates the way he resents something that isn’t really a problem; it shouldn’t be a problem. So why, again, is he upset?

“Okay,” Pearl finally says as their seat approaches the hillcrest. “And just in time!”

The bar is unlocked and Steven drops down onto the snow. His fall is fast and heavy; it shoots hard through his knees.

“Wha--” Pearl scrabbles to follow. She isn’t quite used to the long planks strapped to her boots and wobbles once she lands. Her sticks wave dangerously before she plants them into the snow. “Steven! Wait!” 

Steven’s throat is tight and it’s stupid. He feels stupid. He shakes his head and pulls down his goggles. “Sorry. You okay?”

He can’t see Pearl’s face; he knows she can’t see his eyes. But he hates the way he knows all the same that she’s looking at him and seeing straight through him. 

“You’re not.”

Steven bursts. “Of course I’m not!” 

He hates it as soon as it leaves his mouth but it’s true and didn’t his therapist talk about being more honest about how he feels, anyway? About being more unafraid to talk to his family about the things festering inside? He forcibly swallows down the wall he wants to build in his head and in his heart. “This is probably gonna sound really, really petty, but I was really looking forward to you visiting me, Pearl! I was looking forward to this!”

“Oh, Steven,” Pearl says in that way she always has for as long as he’s known her. She frees a mittened hand and touches his shoulder. “That’s not petty. You know I’ve been looking forward to spending time with you, too.”

“No! I don’t know!”

Pearl blinks. Her hand falters. 

“I don’t know that you’ve been looking forward to seeing me again, because honestly it doesn’t feel like you’re here sometimes! Like you’re here, but you’re…not really here. Do you want to be here, Pearl? Do you want to go skiing? Or are you just trying to keep me happy? Because we can go back to the B&B, and you can go back to Beach City if--if there’s more important things waiting for--”

“--oh, Steven!” Pearl’s hand flies to her mouth. “Is that how you feel?”

Okay, so, we’ve reached this point, Steven wants to say to the copy of his therapist in his head. We’ve put everything out there. Now what’s supposed to happen? Is he supposed to feel good?

“Y-yeah,” he rasps. He blinks hard and his ski goggles fog up. He pushes them back up onto his brow with a sniff. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

Pearl hugs him. 

“Oh no, Steven, I’m sorry!” she cries. “You’re right! You’re absolutely right! I’ve been so rude to you!” After a sniff, she pulls away and flourishes away her mittens to wipe at her face. “Ugh, I’m such a hypocritical fool! After everything that’s been going on with Bismuth, now I’m doing the same thing to--”

“--w-wait, what’s going on with Bismuth?”

Pearl’s head snaps up. Her cheeks are a strange, unnatural shade of ice blue. “I…”

Steven shoves his ski sticks into the snow and searches Pearl’s face. “Wait. Did something happen to her? Is she okay?”

“What? No. I mean, yes! She’s fine. She’s just…” Pearl looks away. The blue is everywhere, now, spilling down her neck and off-coloring her usual shade of porcelain hue. “…she’s great, actually. Little Homeschool keeps her busy. She’s also been, um, how you like to say ‘hanging out’ with other people. Especially Biggs. Those two have finally reconnected after all this time. They’re thick as thieves. I…I don’t know, I guess I’m just…”

Pieces are startling to click in Steven’s head. One by one. He blinks. “W-wait. Is this why you’ve been texting Peridot? Are you…trying to keep tabs on Bismuth?”

“What? How do you know I’ve been--?”

“--are you jealous, Pearl?”

“Wha--” Pearl freezes, mouth hanging agape and speechless. “Jealous! No! Of course not! I would never…”

Steven can’t help it. He laughs.

Perhaps it’s the relief of finally getting everything off his chest and being told it’s okay. Perhaps it’s just because he’s really glad Pearl’s just being Pearl and nothing is truly seriously wrong at home. Or perhaps he’s just genuinely found it really funny that of all the people in the world, it is Pearl who has found competition trying to vy for Bismuth’s attention--who, last time he was on the phone with, has been voicing similar worries about Pearl and her time she was spending with Volleyball.

“Steven! Are you laughing at me?”

“M-maybe a little,” Steven admits. He pinches off one of his mittens to wipe at his face and dried tears. “Gosh, this is just like a reverse of that time you guys took me to that vacation house. It’s…wow.” He chuckles again. “I’m really glad you told me this.”

“I…” The anger deflates as quickly as it came. Pearl softens. “…yes. I could say the same to you, Steven.”

She reaches forward and cups his cheek. Steven stills under her touch. 

“Really, though. I am sorry. It was never my intention to make you feel like you weren’t important to me or that I didn’t care about this opportunity to spend time with you, when everything I feel is the exact opposite. You mean the world to me, Steven. You should know that.” 

Steven’s smile wobbles; it melts into something crooked and tender and touched. He sniffs and wipes at his face with chilled fingers before he remembers he should slip on his mitten again. “You mean the world to me, too, Pearl. Wanna go down this slope together?”

Pearl reaches into her pocket and touches her phone to her gem. With a small shimmer of light, the device disappears. 

“I’d love nothing more.”

- o - o - o -

“…then she said, ‘Whoa there, Pearl! Don’t you know? It’s Bismuth before pleasure!’ And I--” 

Steven howls.

“--I didn’t know what to say!” Pearl laughs in the middle of her words, breaking up her speech. “I had no idea what to do. I was still under the mindset that I was just a Pearl! It was so embarrassing for me; I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for her!”

Steven has to hold on to the neck of the Hummingbird so as not to let it topple forward off his lap. The strings hum under the hard pressure of his fingers. 

Pearl sighs, a nostalgic smile spread across her face. She plucks a G on Steven’s old ukulele. “Oh, but that was eons ago. I doubt she even remembers that now.”

“I don’t know, Pearl,” Steven hums once he’s finally done laughing. He leans back and props his socked feet up on the iron gate of the common room’s stone fireplace. “I still say you should talk to her. After all you’ve got to…” He dramatically strums a pleasing D. “…mind your own Bismuth, right?”

Pearl laughs and shoves his shoulder gently. “Oh-ho-ho, stop.”

Steven chuckles and rocks back. He rests his shoulder against Pearl’s side. He strums another G. “Really, though. Thanks for coming to see me, Pearl. I hope you had as much fun as I did today skiing.”

Pearl hums happily and echoes the chord. “I had a lot of fun with you today, Steven.”

Steven lifts his chin to look up at her.

When Steven starts strumming, Pearl follows along. When he opens his mouth and sings, “I don’t care if it weighs a ton,” she sings with him, “As long as you and I are here, put it there,” dipping her voice in pleasant harmony.

The hearthfire crackles at their feet, warm and strong.

- o - o - o -

If there’s a fight, I’d like to fix it I hate to see things go so wrong The darkest night, and all its mixed emotions It’s getting lighter sing along

- “Put it There” by Paul McCartney

[yearofthetwink]

*Kurtis Conner clap* Folks, I’m here, Bertha is up and running, Harry Styles’ cover of Juice by Lizzo is on repeat, and I’m ready to say my thoughts. This may be long bc like Link, i tend to use 3 sentences to say something that could be said in 3 words. Anyway, this post is mainly for myself bc I have a lot to say andi i want to document it somewhere, you are in no way obligated to read this. The rest will be under a cut. (Hopefully, i barely know how tumblr works)

So first things first. I had a feeling the were going to talk about religion. Judging by the fact that they said they have never talked about the topic publicly, and from where they grew up it had to come up eventually. So i was kinda in a way prepared, but also not. I knew they had to be religious, bc they grew up in the south. But i never quite knew the extent, and i never really cared. After all, it is their business and if they wanted something to be private i didnt want to actively seek it out or snoop around, I’ve been a fan for a little over a year, and i joined tumblr about 10 months ago. I know religion is a very touchy subject and i knew they were accepting of LGBT people and i’ve read that article thing Rhett published so i wasn’t too concerned or anything.

But hearing how dedicated they actually were, shocked me. When they said they were missionaries at some point I honestly felt a little betrayed. Betrayed because they’ve had this story where they quit engineering and started youtube everywhere. It was in countless interviews, and basically was a part of their brand. So i felt as though i was being lied to. But then i realized that they didn’t want to talk about it because their whole brand is about accepting everyone, unity, and coming together to enjoy something no matter our differences. And usually if people knew they were that religious, it would turn them off of that.

After i listened to the whole episode, and actually while i was listening to it, I just felt,,, weird. I can’t pinpoint exactly way i felt weird. Maybe it’s because i usually wait until the video version comes out and i wasn’t used to listening to them without being able to see them. Or maybe it was because the topic was so deep and personal, and i felt like i was intruding. Or maybe it was because i learned so much more about them that it was a little shocking and hard to process. Either way, i felt weird, and i still kind of feel that way, but not so much anymore after i’ve had time to process it.

I just want to say this. I’m so proud of them. They’ve come so far from where they were, and this topic is so personal and hard to talk about. I’ve seen some people being angry at them for talking about this as if the way it was back then were “the good ol’ days” or “the glory days” and that they should be ashamed of their past. I’ve got a few things to say about this.

My whole life, I’ve gone to church. And while my views on religion have greatly changed, i still go to church. Every sunday when i was a kid, i went to sunday school. Every year in middle school, i’d go to a church camp in the winter. Now, my family is Lutheran. It’s basically a chiller version of Catholicism. I’ve never felt as though I had to live my life devoting myself to God and the church. I knew people who did, but i never felt as though that kind of lifestyle was for me. I’m 19, and i’m still a bit confused as to what i believe in, but i do believe church is a trap. I’m bisexual, and while i’ve never experienced any kind of discrimination based on that, (mainly bc i’ not fully out of the closet) i do know that there are people out there who would do anything to get rid of every LGBT person on the planet. And those people are religious. So while i do go to church, i mainly do it to make my grandma happy. I do minimal participation. I’m still trying to figure out what i truly believe in, bc i do believe in science but also that there is something out there that did it.

But i do see where R&L are coming from. When i was younger, i was involved in my church. I took confirmation classes every week for 2 years and was confirmed, but most of it wasn’t my choice. If it was, i’d be staying home. But the thing i did choose to do, involved an audience. I was a part of a couple of girls my age who led the congregation during services about every other week. I went out and sang hymns in old folks homes. I was a part of a group of kids who would put on puppet shows for the children’s message during service about once a month. I performed several times in a group called “Movement Choir” which essentially was dancing with sticks. (Sounds dumb, kinda is) I was an honorary member of an adult choir that would perform about once a month. So needless to say, i did anything i could to do something in front of an audience. While i didnt quite truly believe all of the things i was singing, i still did it bc people were watching me.

And while i know Rhett and Link did say that they did believe in everything they were doing, i related to it. Because they saw an opportunity to perform, and they took it. It may be uncomfortable to hear but listening to this episode made me admire them even more because they had the courage to come clean. They were fully aware that religion has and still continues to cause trauma for so many people, and when Rhett mentioned women and LGBT individuals i damn near cried. I’m excited for the next episodes, because while this first one was a lot, they still didn’t dive as deep as they could’ve, because they wanted to get the timeline out of the way. I can’t wait to hear about they’re personal growth and about when they started to question what they were doing. Because when they said they did the conference for 10 YEARS starting in 1999, it shocked me. I had to pause it and kind of soak it in for a bit. I’m excited to learn mre about how they became who they are now. I’ll admit, i’m a bit nosy, and i love learning about why people are who they are.

So in conclusion, i think we shouldn’t accuse them of anything. Yes they did reveal quite a but in this episode, but there’s still so much we dont know. It maybe hard to wait a week for another episode, but try to distract yourself while you wait. I’m excited as fuck to hear more of their story as they reveal it. And please, be nice. Be your mythical best. If religion is a topic you can’t talk about, that’s ok. Do not think you are being left out. You are valid and not obligated at all to listen to the podcast. If you want to know certain details, don’t be afraid to ask me or anyone else who has listened to it.

I’m not sure how much of this actually made sense and if there’s any typos, mind your business. If you’ve gotten this far holy shit ily and have a great day. And remember to Be Your Mythical Best <3

[lookwhatilost]

there’s this girl who hangs out at Justin’s restaurant sometimes bc she is dating the owners son, and he has some superficial Thing for her and it rly like... aggravates some very severe emotions in me bc she’s the exact archetype of person who I have grown to feel a very strong resentment towards

like, i dnt rly like to pull the “growing up ugly” card bc I never saw myself that way. i know a lot of people did, but i never rly internalized it as “i am ugly”, more so “i dnt understand why I need to work so hard for peer approval”. and then you grow up, grow into your facial features and sense of style a little bit, and refine yourself a little. you wanna believe that the refinement is the reason why things are easier for you now, but you also are honest w yourself and recognize the halo effect is a thing that exists

but take me for example. this is how I look now, at 25

vs how i looked when I was 15

it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that person in Bottom Photo is going to have to work a lot harder to capture and keep the interest of others than the person in Top Photo. when i was seeing jon, something we’d talk abt often is that it’s rly difficult not to find massive shifts in how people receive us now, vs how they did growing up, to be extremely confusing and difficult to fully believe.

and we both approached that youthful desire for acceptance the same way – we did our best to develop our senses of humor, and our interests & personalities to make ourselves more enticing to others bc we couldn’t figure out what wasn’t “hitting”. and as a result, we’re both happier w the people we’ve become on a personal level, even if the original intention was to be liked. not that there’s anything wrong w wanting to feel as though you belong, but sans a ton of outside influence (bc peer rejection) we became what *we* thought would be the best versions of ourselves, and the absence of a crowd we were trying to follow meant the end product was something a little more authentic

im rambling a little, but there’s your context

but when i encounter people like Girl, something rly primal from those days, I can feel again. she’s that kind of person who has been good looking and popular, basically had acceptance given to them readily, and doesn’t understand how it feels to work to earn it. the kind of person who will never understand how much they are freely handed. i dnt rly care if pointing this stuff out damages my feminist credibility, and I’m sure she has experienced some flack that I haven’t, but still. it doesn’t change the fact that people are more likely to be demonic to women they write off as “unattractive” and the amount of shit I had to bear bc of that remains a somewhat open wound.

i found Girl’s twitter a few months back, and it’s something equally reassuring and frustrating. in combing through the likes and RTs (seldom does she express an original thought there), it’s brought me to two conclusions:

1) i feel immense gratitude for the traits i have. my appearance is jst something that substantiates them. im principled, im curious, im intelligent, i do my best to be humble and realistic, im funny, im stylish, and above all else, im and individual that doesn’t fit neatly into any sort of trope

2) i think it’s infuriating that some people can go so unchallenged for so long that they can basically remain stunted teenagers into their adulthood, that they can have dime-a-dozen personalities and not feel inclination to expand themselves beyond it. that, in spite of all that, they somehow believe that they’re god’s gift to the people in their lives, have a palpable sense of righteousness (talking immense shit on “toxic people” will never no ring alarm bells for me), even though they dnt seem to believe strongly in... well... anything. except, like, “short men are ugly”, “dogs are cute”, writing “and that’s the tea” after making vague generalizations, insisting “if we dnt talk now, you dnt know me 🙄”, other modern iterations of talking shit on their “haters”... like jst this peak logical end point of People Have Always Been Too Nice To You

purging that bile aside, I do want to be more productive w my negative feelings towards Girl, and insecurity wrt justin being attracted to her. bc he wouldn’t be back in my life after so long if he jst saw me as a replaceable pretty face! there’s a reason why he wants to be w me, even tho it’s a lot easier to find other iterations of Girl! i didn’t stop finding other people attractive bc of him, and i can’t demand he do that for me. i dnt have to be like that, or look like that, for people to like me. they already like me, and i know it’s bc I’m me! if it was jst looks based and people didn’t want to stick around bc they found me disagreeable as a person... well... i guess id be tweeting a lot more abt fractured relationships w friends and ex-partners and “toxic people” lol. i can proudly say I dnt rly have any real bad blood w anyone. and jst, ultimately, the existence of people like Girl does not detract from my value, even if I still feel very sad abt having to spend many years trying to prove mine.

[manchair]

50 Question Tag

Shoutout to @tuanamino for indulging my vanity and tagging me in fun things like this! I only know like two people on here, so if you laid eyes on this post consider yourself cursed to receive endless middle school chain mail texts until you fill one of these bad boys out yourselves #makesomeinternetfriends

1) What takes too much of your time?

MCAT studying 😪

2) What makes your day better?

Ice cream. Going out with friends. Got7 comebacks! 

3) What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?

I binge-watched the new season of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina with my sisters

4) What fictional place would you want to go to?

Idris from Cassandra Clare’s Shadowhunter books

5) Are you good at giving advice?

I like to think so. I try to dish out a good balance of logic and humor but I know I don’t always take my own advice, don’t @ me.

6) Do you have any mental illnesses?

Lol you mean besides the constant awareness of how cataclysmic the human experience is? Jk I probably have anxiety but nothing clinically diagnosed.

7) Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Luckily, my body is only problematic when I’m awake. It sounds terrifying so I hope I never do!

8) What musician has inspired you the most?

Halsey. Her albums have depicted our similar emotional development arcs and I pretty much worship the ground she walks on. Mad respect for kpop groups like BTS and GOT7 though, seeing as they have to go through so much extra shit in the Korean entertainment industry to achieve their dreams and that’s also mega inspiring.

9) Have you ever fallen in love?

“My first love was some insignificant boy when it should have been myself.”

10) What’s your dream date?

This one’s tough. Either a whole day at SixFlags or a beach trip somewhere exotic, just the two of us.

11) What do others notice about you?

My hair is pretty damn long. I was visiting family in LA once and a girl asked if it was real and that’s the most LA thing that’s probably ever happened to me

12) What is an annoying habit of yours?

Procrastination. Even I get annoyed with myself!

13) Do you still talk with your first love?

God no. The dude’s hella Mormon so he got married at 20 and is now happily appropriating Hawaiian culture. #goodriddance

14) How many ex’s do you have?

I’ve had several flings but I’ve yet to commit to anything official. High standards and what not. Zero for now, but Park Jinyoung can feel free to change that any time!

15) How many songs are on your playlist?

I’m an?? ENFP Libra?? I can’t?? Just have?? one playlist??!

16) What instrument(s) can you play?

None. I much prefer air guitar and bad singing. I did play the clarinet in 6th grade band though. Maybe learning drums would suit my personality?

17) Who do you have the most pictures of?

Friends, family, and various kpop boy memes

18) Where would you like to go before you die?

The shorter list would be where I WOULDN’T want to go. But I’d go visit any space colony. The International Space Station. All of Asia. Canada lol

19) What’s your zodiac?

Libra sun, Sagittarius moon, Capricorn rising

20) Do you relate to it?

Lmao yeah I’m def a Libra 

21) What is happiness to you?

Self-actualization. Books. Music. Dancing. Snacks. Writing. Learning. Being at peace.

22) Are you going through anything right now?

Sure, but isn’t everyone?

23) What’s the worse decision you’ve ever made?

I try to own my terrible decisions but I sorta dated a demon named Bryce in high school so there is that

24) What’s your favorite store?

I’m a sucker for Uniqlo but they don’t have one in my state *cue sobbing*

25) What’s your opinion on abortion?

I think people can be both politically pro-choice and morally pro-life. I think every woman should have the ability to make that decision for themselves.

26) Do you have a bucket list?

Not in a physical form, but yes in my head

27) Do you have a favorite album?

Halsey’s Hopeless Fountain Kingdom, Black Panther The Album, Got7′s Present: You album was def a GIFT, Kris Wu’s Antares has been in heavy rotation lately as has Bad Bunny’s X100PRE

28) What do you want for your birthday?

A medical school acceptance? To meet the love of my life? A billion dollars so I can pay off my student debt and see the world and give the rest away to struggling people? Too much??

29) What are most people’s first impression of you?

Lol that I don’t like them. I blame the RBF

30) What age do you seem according to most people?

People always think I’m like 19 because I’m always joking around and I ain’t mad bc it’s my favorite number anyway

31) Where do you keep your phone while you sleep?

On my bedside table made out of books bc I’m an intellectual

32) What word do you say the most?

“Dude.” (I’m sorry, I’m from southern California, I can’t help it)

33) What’s the oldest age you would date?

Probably 29? That’s a hard limit bc your 30′s just seem like a whole other universe to me rn

34) What’s the youngest age you would date?

Yikes. 20, but I’m much better suited for someone older than me, sorry boys 😎

35) What job/career do most people say suits you?

Writer, interestingly enough.

36) What’s your favorite music genre?

Depends on my mood! Most days it’s rap, hip hop/R&B, Spanish trap, pop, and kpop, but I still have my classical and indie throwback moments

37) If you could live in any country in the world, where would you live?

Wherever I feel the most at home. I’ll probably end up staying in the US but I definitely want to try living in Hong Kong or South Korea for a while

38) What is your current favorite song?

Wow. by Post Malone lol #guiltypleasure

39) How long have your had this blog?

Years but idk for sure and now that’s going to bug me??

40) What are you excited for?

A sky rise apartment in downtown Chicago. A Got7 concert. Financial and emotional stability lmao

41) Are you a better Talker or Listener?

Depends on the topic of conversation! If I’m invested, talker. 

42) What is the last productive thing you did?

I sent emails to set up meetings 😕 #adulting

43) What do you want for Christmas?

Whatever I don’t get for my birthday...? 😬😂

44) What class do you get the best grades in?

I can write papers in my sleep. English hands down.

45) On a scale of 1-10, how do you feel right now?

7. I have this killer sunburn and a stomach bug rn

46) What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

Hopefully practicing as a fully licensed physician who works out and has time for hobbies on the side and is not burned out *crosses fingers*

47) When did you get your first heart break?

The first time my mom said she wished she’d never had children. #yayoversharingtime #thiswholepostisprobablyoversharingohwell

48) At what age do you want to get married?

I’m recently questioning the very institution actually! I’d refuse anything younger than 25 because the average human brain isn’t even fully developed until then and no way am I following anyone to the altar before that happens

49) What career did you want as a child?

Professional dancer, specifically prima ballerina

50) What do you crave right now?

A tuna sandwich from Porto’s Bakery back home. New Got7 or Halsey music. The ocean. 

[jessethejoyful]

another bit

Hey look another chapter! This time we focus on miss Agatha and her history with Simon and Penny bc I love them

Ao3 link cause I'm on my phone - https://archiveofourown.org/works/15488646/chapters/36482463

word count: 2027

AGATHA

My parents didn’t explain anything to me until the day Simon came to stay.

We were in Grade Four together, but he’d completely disappeared from class for a whole week. Teacher hadn’t said much about his sudden absence (“Simon will not be with us for a little while; he’ll be back soon.”), so I just sort of… accepted it. So did everyone else, for the most part.

Some of the other kids liked to make fun of Simon, because we were ten years old and he could barely speak in full sentences. The most common nasty rumor was that the school had finally realized Simon was too stupid to be there and kicked him out.

I smacked one of the girls who said that.

But one afternoon, a week later, my mother came to talk to me as I was getting home from school. Helen, my nanny, had gone to make me a snack while I changed out of my uniform, and Mum came into my room and sat on my bed.

“Come sit, darling,” she had said, patting the spot beside her on my sheets. “I want to talk to you about something.” I did as she told me, hopping up beside her and leaning my head against her shoulder.

She took my hand. “You know your friend Simon, from school?”

I frowned up at her. “Yeah. I miss him, when is he coming back? Do you know?”

There was a pause, before my mother said, “Well, I do, actually. We’ve been going through some paperwork with his social worker… and he’s going to be staying with us.”

I remember I didn’t understand. “Until he can go home?”

My mother sighed. “Simon doesn’t really… have a home anymore. I don’t know how much he’s told you, Agatha, but his mother died when he was born. And now his father…” She rubbed her face, looking perturbed. “He went a bit mad and tried to hurt Simon. So the system took Simon away from his father, to keep him safe. Does that make sense?” I nodded, but I still wasn’t sure about the situation. “So Simon is going to be living here with us, now. He’ll be apart of our family. Like a brother.”

This was where it clicked. I still didn’t know how to react, though, so I just nodded again. She smoothed my blonde hair back from my face and smiled sadly. “Don’t worry too much, darling. Just think of it like an extended play date. Having siblings is wonderful, you’ll see.” Another nod, and my mother kissed my forehead. “Go ahead and change. Simon will be here this evening.” She got up and left, closing the door softly behind her.

While I changed, my mind was whirling. I was too young to really understand, I think. It took me several years to uncover the full truth of it; that David had tried to kill Simon, and had been abusing him for years before that. Simon didn’t tell me until a few years after he started living with us, which was fully understandable. That was also the reason Simon had always been so quiet at school; he’d grown afraid of speaking, because his father would hit him if he mumbled or muttered, so he chose not to speak at all.

At the beginning, having Simon living with us was difficult. He was like an injured cat, prone to lashing out, but also keeping to himself a lot. I remember keeping my own distance for a long time, talking to him when we were with my parents but starting to avoid him anywhere else, and especially at school. It had gotten out to the other kids what had happened with his father - though not the full brunt of it - and they used that against him too. While before I had been quick to defend him, by that point I was afraid of being made fun of too.

So I left him to his own devices.

As it turned out, his own devices were punching anyone who tried to pick on him. Before we moved to Grade Five, he got into six different fights. And he never won; the kids would team up on him, because they knew he’d throw the first punch, three or four against one, and then claim it was self-defense after they’d kicked the shit out of him. He was small back then, skinny and knobbly, and he never had the upper hand.

At home, when my parents would gently scold him for the fighting, he would just sit and stare. He was so despondent around us. I don’t think he really knew what to do with himself. He was so sad, and afraid, and he knew that my parents had taken him in, but he couldn’t contain the mess that was going on inside of him.

It wasn’t until we got to Grade Six that I was ready to make amends. The guilt had been gnawing at me for two years, shame over abandoning my friend when he needed me most, but I had just been a kid too. Simon reminds me of that now and then, when the guilt rises up again.

We were a few weeks into term, and the fighting had been getting worse - my parents were at their wits’ ends on what to do with him, coming home with a broken nose every other week. He’d tried to bite the court-recommended counselor they sent him to, so that quickly stopped. But I saw him, one afternoon after class, cornered in the courtyard by a few bullies.

I could recognize by then how he looked before he was going to swing: shoulders hunched forward, fists clenched, chin drawn in to his chest. He’d grown half a foot over the summer, his torso had gained mass, and I knew this fight would be different. He might win, for once, but he’d be in far worse trouble.

I’d just started across the lot when one of the other kids actually threw the first punch. It was one of the bigger boys, a tosser named Danny, and I guess he figured he had the advantage with his two cronies there, but they were both weedy and small, like rats. So I raced over, screaming and shoving myself between Danny and Simon, who both stopped swinging when they noticed me.

“Oi, Agatha, what’re you defendin’ him for?” Danny snarled, taking a step back. “Simple Simon’s just gettin’ what he needs.”

“Eat a bag of dicks, Danny,” I spat back, using a phrase I’d heard an older kid say at the store a few weeks previously, even though I hadn’t really known what it meant. I jutted out my chin, daring him to hit a girl, and he seemed to actually debate it before falling back, hissing.

“Not worth it,” he growled, turning. “Guess freaks stick together.” He and his mates slumped off, while I turned to Simon, who’d gone quiet. He was looking at me like I was some sort of aberration, eyes wide. He was bleeding freely from his nose, and there was a cut on his cheek, unbidden tears streaming through the blood and mixing together. I pulled my handkerchief from my pocket and stepped up to him, dabbing at his face when he didn’t shy away.

“Why did you help me?” he asked in his muted voice. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.

I answered simply. “You’re my brother.”

From then on, things with Simon improved dramatically. We stuck together like glue, and the fighting stopped altogether. He was incredibly protective of me, and the others weren’t as willing as Danny to hit first. They’d still lob insults at both of us, spitting rude comments at us in the halls and on the grounds, but their words didn’t touch us when we had one another.

I started going to therapy sessions with Simon, with a nice lady named Dr. Ebb who had stuffed goats shoved in every nook and cranny of her office, and who always gave us biscuits. Simon didn’t say much to her at first, but with some urging from me, he slowly started to open up. And once he started talking, it was like he couldn’t stop. Things continued to improve.

When we got to our upper years, my parents sent us to a good boarding school together. This was where we met Penny, who wound up being my roommate, which was a real experience. She was brusque and unexpected, pointedly asking all sorts of insensitive questions that for some reason didn’t bother us, but endeared Simon and I to her instead. Because she wasn’t being mean; she was genuinely curious about us and our admittedly odd relationship (She asked if Simon and I were dating, which I took to mean that she had a crush on Simon - but then she asked me out, and I gently declined, and nothing changed between us. She was the first person I told that I was asexual).

The three of us became inseparable. Penny and I had a kind of unspoken agreement between us to take care of Simon, who was prone to falling apart at random times. The fighting did stop for a long time, but there was a point during our eleventh year that he cracked a bit.

While Simon had fixed a lot of his speaking problems, and was more or less normal, a person doesn't go through trauma like he did without some lingering wounds. Small, invisible ones. Like a wicked stammer when he was nervous, or when he came across a dead bird and went into fits. There was a group of boys that took notice, and took stock, and went out of their ways to set Simon off because they thought it was amusing.

The summer before that year, he’d had another growth spurt, rounding off at just over six feet and getting even broader in the shoulders - so when the boys came after him, even four on one, he ended up on top. Victorious, nose broken, cut by a switchblade, and covered in bruises, and booted into detention for several weeks. He started doing Skype sessions with Ebb. He grew quiet again.

Penny and I stuck by him through it all - me quietly supportive, Penny loud and angry about the boys getting away with just detentions, not even as long a sentence as Simon, because he'd won. She wanted to pummel them herself, but Simon and I both talked her out of that.

One of the best things about our school, though, was the programs it offered. It was a fairly prestigious school, so it had a lot of variety and specialization in its courses of study. Simon was able to explore his interest in art, and he found a lot of peace in drawing and eventually animating. And it was clear to everyone that he had a real talent for it, so my parents gave him everything he needed to pursue it, all through high school and into uni. Penny joined him, though she followed sculpting instead of drawing, and our room always smelled like clay.

Meanwhile, I was a little sad to watch them go off to classes without me. I'd tried drawing, but it became quickly obvious I had no clue what I was doing. Which was fine, I only really tried because I wanted to be with Simon and Penny. So instead, I followed my passion for science into the biology courses, and saw less of them during our junior and senior years. But they always made the effort to include me outside of class, and we spent a lot of time in mine and Penny’s room, them sketching and creating while I made flash cards and studied very hard.

I was ecstatic when we found that the university we all wanted to attend had a good veterinary program and art program. I didn't want to admit it, but I was terrified of going off completely alone to school, though I did end up getting my own apartment while they split one. I got a dog. Everything fell into place. 

[haptureratch]

Day #?

Still, like, withdrawing from oxytocin or something. Still in pain. Having more moments of strength. But oh does it hurt to accidentally look at the last pic I have of him on my phone when I'm scrolling for something else....

I'm not fully certain of what I'll do yet. Tell him I made the decision to see other people? Wait and feel it out when we exchange belated xmas gifts? Ghost him? Lol. The last option is very tempting. Because then he can't hurt me anymore than he has to this point. And then from here on it's just me accepting it and letting time heal me. I might hurt more if he did break up with me. Even though in my mind it has already happened and it's as though I'm watching it play out in the slowest fucking motion. G*rl pls 🙄

There are a couple more urges but these are not solutions and I won't be cursing myself by giving them life outside my mind

----

Dec 13th: "I would love snugs holy shit like kill me with snuhgs pls"

Dec 16th: "Good morning! I hope you have a great day 💜"

Dec 17th: This begins the sporadic texting. After the D&D night he had. That evening I go out with friends and stupidly tipsy-text him, trying to flirt and get attention. I'm glued to my phone and he barely replies. When I looked the way that I did :(

God dammit i was adding more dates but my fucking phone refreshed the page and I just lost it - anyway basically me looking back and being like wtf happened??? I'm not gonna gaslight the way I felt at the time bc it FELT like something had changed even though the texting isn't that bad until I start digging at him

12/19: I voice to him my fear of being clingy. I'm also post call lol yikes. He takes too long to get back to me and I go awol, canceling our hangout plan. I get mad. I say this feels one sided. He says he's sorry I feel this way, talks about his mom and his ex, I'm pissed at him taking zero responsibility.

12/20: I don't wanna follow through with our plans but I force myself to, worried I'll ruin it if I flake. I'm a nervous wreck and I set stiff boundaries. He's off put. (LOL OK but it's fine when you put up boundaries huh)

I say I'm calmer. I say I gotta ease back into him.

12/21: I AWAKE SO NOT CALM LOL. I had restless sleep. He barely texts this day. Doesn't reply to me but sends a meme at like 9pm. 11pm phone call

12/22: He loses his first pt. I come see him.

12/23: Nothing until 5pm when I ask for snacks. To be fair he does offer but i get released and RUN lol.. I send him a pic; no reply.

12/24: yikes.

12/25: we say merry xmas. I try so hard to focus on my family. I break and invite him for a new years dinner. He hits me with this fucking shit several hours later "Actually I'd like to talk about some things before we make more plans, but that can wait until you get back." PROBABLY THIS IS WHERE I GO FIGHT OR FLIGHT LOL

12/26: I'm panicking. I'm trying to text and call him, no reply. My roommate intervenes. My brother comforts me. What the actual fuck Jordan. You stupid fucking 🅱️inch. Like absolute monster moves. We talk, I cry. I say some shit I fucking regret now like wanting him to know what it's like to be loved by me FIXKING VOMMMMMMM

12/27: I ask what taking a step back looks like. He doesn't know how to and it still be fair to me (spoiler alert you have been a nightmare you goddamn hoe none of this has been fair at all and this is why I have some options in mind now)

We know how it goes from there.

I wish I had dates for the last trigger I had with him. That night didn't feel right at all. Ok it was the 14th. Then he came the 15th for a redo. D&D when he didn't reply for so long... That bothered me bc it's not like it took the entire day and night.. Then he was gonna call me on the 17th but I was out with Sarah. And then him not giving me attention sealed the deal for me. Then being post call really fucked me up and that's where I blew up. I was like this is one sided and I hate it. His reply seemed so hands off dude.

We had phone calls the 19th, 20th, 21st. I've lost track of what was said. Which one was the one I first confronted him and asked him to be honest if he still wanted to keep dating. He did thank me for the confrontation but after that he really just did not prove himself to me. It didn't even feel like he cared about my well-being dude. I wanna go back to every single day I broke down and just hold me as I cry.

It is not 1am on January 2nd. I have spend quite a while on edge and not feeling well or taking care of my body. It's becoming a portion of the relationship by now. It's been more than a few days of hiccup.

Perhaps he is giving me space now. But I asked so many times for communication. Barely anything and some days nothing. I sent memes without replies. He asked how I was on his only day off. But he didn't want to call or see me. It hurt. Bc before 12/17 or whatever he would have wanted that. Somewhere along the way I ruined this and he did not help me fix it. So what am I to do now?

THEN PERISH lol

P.S. I think it was a rough rotation. And my need for physical comfort was high. And I definitely was trying to snipe out the evenings where we could spend time. It was only like once a week for fucks sake how was that too attached and too fast for him???? Anyway at some point it felt like he was not also looking for those free moments to be with me. That's when I got all shifty and I couldn't handle the pressure. I got destructive. And passive aggressive. Finally blew up. He didn't take any of it well. I really thought I ate lmao. Bitch the whole plate was there plain as day I wasn't doing a god damn thing to get him to want me. God I hate my life.

By now it's too long gone for me to understand what was messing up our evenings. Like when the kissing wasn't as good and I was left restless and unsatisfied. And when I was so pushy with all the things I wanted and didn't want instead of giving things a try..... And I don't understand what's going on with his end as I fight to keep myself together every day since the 26th. But I truly wonder if too much damage has been done. Should I even bother giving these new insights?