#because again. i am a really unmotivated college student. who is only motivated when it comes to watching/reading really long shitty storie

[cartoonrival]

If you go ahead with starting from hiveswap im looking forward to clarifying any troll terms that are mentioned to confuse joey and/or the reader. I will be your homestuck thesaurus

thank you o7 and i assume vrisrezi is a ship involving vriska and someone i dont know yet but "because of who you are as a person" is making me cry laughing

[inevitably-johnlocked]

I've been feeling really detached from reality lately and the only thing I'm doing consistently everyday is going through fics and tumblr. I'm 17 and have to start uni applications soon but I'm too demotivated :( Do you think I'm wasting my life? Bcs my parents surely think so, and I want nothing more than to hide in my blankets and never come out again. I feel very unproductive and I need to get my life together and actually do something other than sleep, read and write. (1)

I just got into Sherlock recently and I'm totally obsessed with it, almost a year ago I was as obsessed with BTS (kpop band) to the point Mom had me talking to the counsellor to find a solution for my obsession. When I left the BTS fandom Mom was happy that I'm finally getting my life back on track and focusing on school, but here I am doing it all over again with Sherlock. I don't want to do this, but I feel like Sherlock is the only escape I have from reality now.I have to be an adult soon (2)

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

The short answer to your question: No, you’re not wasting your life.

Here’s my anecdotal long answer: 

It’s easy to feel disillusioned at 17, especially if you’re expected to do one thing or another. Now, I can’t speak to your situation because my parents were supportive of my decisions and fandom life, so I never really had that problem. Which is where I’m going to start: Your mum has issues of her own, it seems, and may be projecting a bit onto you... Some obsessions absolutely need counselling, but I doubt you were at the level of stalking and creeping and gatekeeping the fandom. I imagine you were collecting photos and sharing music and videos with your friends. Jesus your mum would have an aneurysm if she met me then – I’m nearing 40, and my apt is full of Funkos, movies, photos, magazines, collectable figurines, and in my off hours I draw fanart, play video games, and maintain a fairly-popular fandom blog. BUT I can see her side of things – she just wants you to get a career and be able to fend for yourself – but, in my opinion, stifling the things you enjoy REALLY makes for a shitty adult life. It’s no wonder you’re unmotivated – you’ve nothing to look forward to except studying and nothing else.

Here’s my anecdotal story: I didn’t start college until I was 22. I got rejected from all the colleges and universities I applied to at 18, and naturally that blew the wind out of my sails. I wanted to be an animator. I worked my ass off to get into courses, and I didn’t. My self esteem was in the shitter after that, the guidance counsellor assigned to me at school basically said “oh well, LOL” and I was lost. It SUCKS. My parents were still supportive of me, and told me to at least get a job, because they didn’t want me to sit around doing nothing. So I did. I worked for two years in retail, and I hated it. But it kept me busy and I was allowed to enjoy my life at that time. And, in my own time, mostly motivated by my family moving, I decided I was ready to apply to school again, because those two years I worked at IFuckingHateWalMart, gave me some money for school and a desire to never work retail again. And guess what? It’s a LOT fucking easier to get into school as a “Mature Student” (in Ontario, if you’re over 19, they consider you a mature student), because they know you’re serious about school and they just want your money. 

I applied to 5 different arts-related programs, 3 of them Graphic Design, one Fine Arts, and I think the other was Art History. I got accepted to all 5 programs. I chose the different career path because I actually took time to research, and decided that since I wasn’t up to snuff as an animator (and the program I wanted to try again for wasn’t there anymore), I’m REALLY GOOD with computers, so let’s try this design thing. I love it.

Anyway, the point to this story, Lovely, is that perhaps you also are someone, like me, who just needs a break to figure out what you want to do with your life. I don’t regret taking a couple years before going back to school. And that may be what you and your mum need to discuss. 

So, to summarize in said discussion:

You need to be firm with your mum that stifling things that make you happy makes you feel unmotivated to move forward in your life. You don’t intend on not furthering your education, you just need a mental break and Sherlock and BTS makes you WHO you are, and makes you happy.

You need some time to decide what you want to do with your future. I really REALLY hate this culture of schools forcing you to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life even before you’re legally allowed to drink in most places. It’s so terribly horrible. The pressure I had to apply during high school was so terrible, that teachers made you feel like a failure when you graduated and had no college path set. It’s awful. I’m telling you, taking the couple years (it was only going to be a year but I wasn’t ready after a year) to reflect on my future and to decide what I wanted to do next was the best decision I made. Do you know how GOOD it felt to have all 5 colleges accept me after being rejected two years prior? It felt GOOD to send rejection letters to people wanting to have my money, LOL. AND I feel like I succeeded, because I was able to see the job market and figure out what career path would be sustainable for me in the arts field. GC is still a cut-throat field and I’m still not respected despite nearly 20 years later, but that’s my own fault for being stagnant in never leaving the newspaper (also, never work at a newspaper).

Fandom and Real Life can co-exist, provided you don’t let fandom rule everything. Your mum is lying to you if she tells you that she wasn’t / isn’t a fan of things, so ask her what music or movies make her happy. It’s the simplest form of fandom, but there you go.

That all said, Nonny, don’t give up, and it’s okay to feel unmotivated during All This™. I can’t even imagine what the point would be to apply for school in September if no one is even going to be in a classroom environment, erf. And if you need an excuse to hold off, there you go, tell your mum that you want to have a think about what career you want to pursue, AND you would rather it be in a classroom environment anyway, because you need that “study environment” to stay focussed on your studies, and not at home where the “distracting terrible fandom stuff” is, hah.

And finally: Being an adult isn’t all that bad. I can buy whatever fandom-related fuck I want and no one can stop me. I do what I want, when I want. I watch youtube, blog, play video games, travel, draw, and buy toys all because it makes me happy. And yeah, I have the boring adult stuff like taxes and groceries and rent and a job and debt, but if you can get all that stuff organized and sorted early in your life like I did (I have a set amount of money set aside a month for all the above from the job), then you can figure out what you can do that’s fun based on what’s left from the boring stuff.

TL;DR of all this: Talk to Mum, take some time, and enjoy life.

I hope this has helped you somewhat, Nonny. I know I tend to ramble a lot, but I do genuinely think that you just need time, and some understanding from your mum. You’ll feel a lot better about moving forward if you have those things, I think. 

Love you Nonny, and I hope you’re alright <3

[dangan-happy]

[HARK! That sounds like an ask that has just come in!] To anyone (except Tenko, sorry).

I started working recently, and it's been... Harsh. I spent almost all of my childhood wishing I was an adult so I could finally take control of my life, but now that I'm 18 going on 19, I've realized that being older didn't make anything any better. Actually, all I can think as of lately is that I'm tired of everything- tired of college (I didn't want to enroll, my parents forced me), tired of work (because my back hurts and my head feels numb after hours of doing the same thing), tired of living.

I don't want to die, not really, I just... Wish I could have some hope for the future. Hope that things will get better and that some day I'll finally, finally feel like all this pain was worth it, but I don't think that time is ever going to come. Not even having a salary makes me happy, because I'm so unmotivated I can't even think of anything to spend it on. I feel nothing but despair, and I've felt this way for years. Maybe I'm just too far gone at this point... Sorry for venting.

Don’t be sorry for venting, anon! Venting is always good for you, especially since it’s way better than bottling it all up. I’m so glad you felt safe and comfortable enough coming here and venting about all of this. Hearing about all of this breaks my magical miracle girl heart, and that’s not sarcasm at all! And hearing that... w-wait a minute, y-you said that feel nothing but despair? A-And that you’ve felt this despair for years now?! Waahhhhh, oh nooooo, this is not good; not good at all! Call me a drama rabbit, but hearing this truly makes tears form in my beady, black eyes; this has got to be one of the biggest no-nos I’ve ever witnessed in all my years of teaching!

M-My wonderful, hardworking student, please take a seat. This calls for a moment of Magical Miracle Girl ★ Monomi’s Comforting Support & Advice 101. Tee-hee, I named that all by myself. Pretty neat title, huh? Anyway, enough about that, for I’m here to help you with this despair. Having taught tons of high school students, as well as encountering a bunch of adults and even some recent high school graduates, I can understand where you’re coming from. Just entering adulthood is sadly no triple chocolate cakewalk, whether you once wanted to become an adult at first or not. It’s quite unfair that your parents forced you to enroll into college, as that’s something you should decide on! I don’t know what you specifically do for work, but it really does sound exhausting and maybe even a bit repetitive, too. A-As for being tired of living... I-I can understand that. I can understand the despairful wonders on if all of this hard work will even be worth it at all; if it’ll even be worth it at all; what the point even is for and to do certain things, such as education and work. All of that just piles on and on, and that weight begins to really weigh you down. Sniff, I-I’m sorry. Just seeing you struggle with this much despair really is making me tear up here; I just can’t stand to see one of my wonderful students go through such terrible despair. I-I’m such an emotional teacher, I know...

Ah, but I must wipe these tears away for the meantime, and show you the truth. To quote a few of my students: “I’ll cut through your words!” Right now, it may be hard to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel full of despair; it may be hard to see if any of this will even be worth it in the end or at all. I can understand why you feel that way, but I must stress for you to not give up, no matter what! It may not seem or feel like it now, but this is simply a rough patch in your life, and like other previous rough patches you’ve most likely experienced and gone through, you will get through this! All of this hard work; all of the hard work you do in college and at work; all of it will prove to be useful and will prove to be one-thousand percent worth it in the end. And you are not ‘too far gone at this point’. To once again quote those same few students: “No, that’s wrong!” You are never ‘far too gone’; you’re just experiencing a whole lot of stress and emotional distress at this time, that’s all. I have full hope that you will get through this; that you will be able to power through and fight back against this despair; that you will be able to see the light at the end of this tunnel and keeping using hope as a motivator. I promise you and my entire magical carrot garden, all of this will be worth it! Sadly, while I may be a magical girl, I can’t give you any specifics on when things will start to improve. I do have a student who’s really good with predictions and even has his own crystal ball though! If you want, I could ask him to help you out. Ah, but right now, he’s busy finishing up that late homework assignment of his, so for now, I’ll use my magic stick to shine some shining hope onto you! And I’ll add onto that hope by giving you the hope from my heart!

To be honest, I would suggest looking into seeing a counselor or overall professional to talk to about all of this. Look around in your area, and find one that fits your wants and needs, and in your case, works with your schedule. In fact, you might be able to get some help finding one through your school! It doesn’t hurt to try. Of course, just the thought of counseling or therapy can be scary, so if you’re not exactly ready for that, then don’t worry, I understand. But I would still highly suggest finding a proper, healthy way to vent. Try venting to someone you trust, like a significant other, a best friend, a parent or legal guardian, a family member, or even a school counselor, if your school has one! And if you’re just not ready to talk to someone at all just yet, then try journaling! Get yourself a cute or cool-looking notebook, pick your choice of pen or pencil, and write down your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, anything and everything you want to get out and jot down. And the best part is: Only you will look at it, write in it, and have access to it! You can even decorate it with stickers and washi tape, if you want to, tee-hee. Suggestions to venting and getting some of that despair out aside, as your teacher, I am assigning you a homework assignment. Don’t worry, there’s no deadline, and you won’t fail my class or receive a grade or anything like that, I promise! With that being said, your homework assignment is... to treat yourself. Now now, I read the part where you said that you’re so unmotivated that you just don’t know what to buy and everything, but with all of this despair you’re fighting against, and with all of the hard work you’re doing, I think-- no, I know that you deserve a reward. Buy yourself a few of your favorite snacks or drinks; buy yourself a new comic book or novel; buy yourself a adorable Squishmallow and name it Sir Fluffypants! They always come with names on their tags, but it’s funnier and better to name stuffed animals yourself, don’t you think? But seriously, for your sake and your sake alone, pat yourself on the back and reward yourself for being so strong and hardworking, okay?

This officially concludes a moment of Magical Miracle Girl ★ Monomi’s Comforting Support & Advice 101. I sincerely hope that some of this reassures you and helps you out in some way or another. Before you go, let me give you a gold star sticker and a nice, warm, super duper soft hug. You’re going through a lot right now, and you’re not only working hard, but fighting hard; you’re fighting against despair, after all. So please, feel free to hug out some of that stress and pent-up despair. Now, keep doing your very best! Don’t lose to yourself! And don’t forget to save frequently!

[journalisticdreams]

An unconventional back to school guide 2020

As  schools and colleges start preparing to open their doors to students again, albeit in a much more unusual way than ever, students all over the UK are having to gear up for the hectic back to school season. As if back to school  didn’t carry enough stress normally – with some students struggling to find funds for uniform or supplies, the looming early morning rising, or worrying whether or not anyone notices your botched, home-cut bangs – many students are going back to school for the first time in almost 6 months. So, here’s my back to school guide to prepare you for a potentially tough first term back.  

Battling back to school anxieties 

Going back to school after 6 weeks off can be hard enough any given year, but this year certainly has its own reasons for causing unwanted stress. Personally, I’ve found the most effective reliever for my anxieties is talking to my friends about how I’m feeling. I know it sounds simple, but out of everyone you know your fellow students are going to be able to empathise the most with how you’re feeling. Texting or calling a friend, or your friendship group, to talk through school worries is very cathartic, and knowing that you’ve got each other’s backs is definitely reassuring. Additionally, whenever my anxieties about school start to creep up on me at home, instead of dwelling on them, I’ve started to write down how I’m feeling. I know it might sound a bit ‘cringy’, but I’ve found that journaling is a really effective way to rationalise any anxious thoughts you may have. By writing about how nervous you feel at the time that you’re having these worries, you get to look back in a few hours or days’ time and write a rationalised response when you feel that you’re in an improved mindset. This way you can begin to think more ‘reasonably’ and dispel any irrational thoughts. *  

      2. Staying motivated

After not physically being in school for almost half a year, and not having an exam season or typical results day, school is starting to feel more like a fever dream than reality. So, getting back into a school routine is not exactly going to be easy. If like me you can’t wait to go back, becoming motivated again will come somewhat naturally. If, however, you’re really dreading the work, here’s how I try to stay motivated: 

Making lists. I know it might sound straightforward, but if you create a logical list in the order of which things need to be done, the feeling of ticking off task by task is sublime. 

Thinking ahead to your future. I know I’m starting to sound like a nagging teacher before exam season, but in your final years of 6th form or college every little piece of work counts. By putting in your best effort now, you’re helping secure those top grades and Uni places. 

Taking frequent breaks. Attempting schoolwork when you’re unmotivated is only going to result in you not reaching your full potential. As long as you haven’t left it super last minute, try to leave that essay question until you’re feeling mentally ready to tackle it again. 

This one may sound quite cheesy, but when I start to feel lazy or like a ‘can’t be bothered’ to continue with school work, I think about how fortunate I am to be able to attend a decent school – particularly as a young girl. The ONE campaign published figures in 2017 stating that the number of girls not in school in any age group is at 130 million. Whether that be reasons of violence at school, forced marriage or simply because they are girls not boys, millions of girls are being denied the human right to education. Putting these figures into perspective makes me grateful that I can attend school and motivated to continue the schoolwork that I am fortunate to have. (Sorry for getting a bit heavy there).

       3. Stay organised!

It’s so easy to just chuck all of your school work on the floor or into your desk drawer after school and say time and time again ‘I’ll organise the sheets tomorrow’ (knowing full well that they will stay like that for weeks). Staying as organised as possible from the get-go will make revising and keeping on top of assignments a whole lot easier. I find that by colour coding literally everything I can sort through my notes a lot quicker. 

      4. Don’t be disheartened by lower grades

Let’s be honest, as much as quarantine learning tried, it didn’t offer the same standard of work as usual. As much as I can thank most of my teachers for ‘taking it easy’ during lockdown learning for the sake of mental health, I feel like my grades may suffer due to the expected, normal standard going back this September. Therefore, try not to be too upset if your work isn’t reaching the same grades that it may have in the past – we’ve all been out of touch from ‘proper’ learning for a while now, no one will look down on you if you aren’t constantly getting As! This tip is especially relevant to those starting their A levels this year. Trust me, no one gets top grades straight away in A level work! 

So, all in all back to school is going to be a little different this time around. The most important thing to do is stay safe and follow your school’s Covid rules until things start to ease up in your area – and remember to have fun again in school; you’ll be seeing your friends more regularly again and finally have a day to day routine! 

Have a happy back to school season!  

If you have any other advice, leave a comment to help others!

*If you are badly struggling with anxiety about going back to school, a great organisation you can turn to for help is https://youngminds.org.uk/ , who offer 24/7 support over text. 

[kimviktoriaadelossantos]

“My Realizations as a Nursing Student ft. Pandemic“

Hi there, my name is Kim Viktoria A. Delos Santos. I am 19 years old and I am an incoming Second year college student in Bulacan State University. I am a Nursing Student. I graduated high school and senior high shcool at Bulacan Ecumenical School. I am a Methodist.

I always loved the idea of me in a white coat, with a stethoscope hanging on the back of my neck. I want to become a doctor and also I also want to become a nurse but... I am getting impatient and unmotivated due to this pandemic. To be honest, I feel like the universe is against me and my dream.. I should have been graduating the next year but then my government added two years of education called senior high. It delayed from going straight to first year of college, I should be third year by now if that didn’t happened! Now this pandemic happened. We were expecting only a week of quarantine, then going back to school again, but now? It’s almost half a year of being suck at home. Same routine everyday with minimal things to do yet I feel so tired; physically, emotionally and mentally tired. I don’t do much at home, I barely go out and walk around... yet I feel so drained. This pandemic is also affecting how I think. I feel so down all the time and melancholic. I feel distant with my friends and I think that they’re forgetting me already. I also felt unmotivated to pursue nursing. I saw that there were lots of nurses quitting and dying. I felt scared at the thought of me just giving it up when I finally become a Nurse. You think that I’m probably overreacting but I’m not, it is what I truly feel. I really hated this pandemic and COVID-19... I mean who wouldn’t? I thought I was going downhill but a conversation with my parents changed my perspective and thoughts. Their hardships made me realized that I was being unfair and being selfish.

The truth is, who am I to complain? what is to complain about? I barely do anything but them? They shed their blood, sweat and tears for me. I witnessed their struggles. My mom is an OFW and she is currently working in Dubai. While my dad is a businessman here in the Philippines. They worry, “what if they lose their jobs?”, “What if they get infected?” and so much more. And here I am complaining about being stuck at home and being unable to go out. I was being ungrateful for being safe and for them keeping me safe. I felt so stupid and pathetic! I opened this to them and said that I am sorry for thinking and feeling that way.

After my realizations, I felt different. I felt like I’m being challenged by the universe and by God. I felt like this is just a trial to overcome. I started to think that this pandemic is a positive way for us to realize stuff and to breath for a while. I was so excited for the future that I didn’t give much value in my present. I was way too focused back then and too impatient. This pandemic has given me more time for myself and for my family. It has also given me the time to think about my future career. My foresight and thoughts about becoming a nurse and doctor in the last few months was hazy but now I could see clearly it and think straight about it. I was so impatient and wanting to rush my future without hassle, because of that I was getting unmotivated right away.

To become a good and quality nurse, one must become patient. This Pandemic turned out to be a good thing (but not really though referring to our country’s economic and health state) because it taught me and reminded me to be more patient. To become a good and quality nurse, one must be optimistic and positive. How would I cheer my patients if I, myself, is having a hard time doing it? It also showed me that a Nurse is very important in the society. There were lots of nurses demanded in every country. It really motivated me more because I saw the world giving importance to the profession as well as the other medical professions. The profession that I was going to pursue can provide care, provide comfort and as well as providing cures. I am proud of what I’m going to be in the next few years. I am happy that I saw it’s importance to my country and the world. I am motivated and full of hope. I feel that when this pandemic is over, when we are allowed to have face to face classes, I would be more excited to learn and be more hardworking. I am excited to help the people who needs it and to cure my future patients.

I want to remind everyone that don’t lose hope. Be strong especially through this pandemic. We are going through some trials at the moment, but we shouldn’t be swayed or moved, we should be patient. Aristotle once said that “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.”

[oh-tetrabiblos]

Roommate in distress

So this was somewhat requested by Meri in discord, and it’s based on this song here. It’s a soukoku Roommates Au that somehow ended up as a 2k+ words fic even though I promised a drabble. I’m sorry I never know when to stop xD. Hope you like this rushed thing! :D

“I hate him.” Chuuya complains. “I can’t even stand to see him anymore. I despise his face, his voice, and even his clothing. Have you noticed his fashion sense? Such a disgrace.”

There’s a sigh that comes out of Chuuya’s laptop screen, where a tired Tachihara is leaning his head against his knuckles, more than used to his friend rambling.

“Chuuya-san, please, don’t spend all our conversation speaking about your roommate.” Tachihara tries to get into the topic once more, but fails miserably since Chuuya groans in frustration at said roommate’s mere mention.

“Speaking about him.” He says yet again, and this time is Tachihara who whimpers internally. “Do you know what he did to me this morning? He wasted all the stupid hot water by taking an hour and a half long shower! What the fuck is he supposed to do in there that long?”

Chuuya stares at his friend through the video call window, and even though he is only pinching his nose in outrage, Tachihara knows he’s not meant to intervene.

“And,” Chuuya continues, then Tachihara assumes that his tiny crush on the redhead is going to be the death of him, “you are not going to believe what he said to me when I confronted him.”

“I’m sure I won’t, Chuuya-san.” He murmurs, not actually sure his words are being payed attention to.

“The bastard had the guts to say “Next time let’s shower together, Chuu”.” The redhead mimics his voice. “What the fuck does that even mean?” Chuuya looks at Tachihara as if expecting the answer to all his problems, yet he knows better than to interrupt his friend’s rant. “Now I can’t even look at him in the face without wanting to punch him!”

Tachihara moves his head against the other hand, quietly staring at Chuuya squeezing the too long sleeves of a sweater big enough not to be his.

“I get this weird ass feeling in my stomach every time I come across his face, and it happens almost constantly since we live together.” Chuuya confesses, lower this time as if he is trying to obtain a reason out of it. “It must be loathing. I must detest him so much I’m having feelings of hatred inside me.”

Tachihara has never been that close to tearing his own hair out as in that moment. Chuuya is staring at him as if there is no other logical explanation, thus Tachihara decides he might as well grab a snack for the amount of time Chuuya is going to need to realize his real inner feelings. That, and also for his slightly broken heart that is pleading for self-destructing comments and chocolate.

“Yeah, that has to be it. I’ve hated him since I first landed my eyes on Dazai, so it’s only natural that the feeling grows stronger.” Chuuya concludes, seemingly satisfacted with the discovery.

“So, if you hate him that much, Chuuya-san,” Tachihara says, unwrapping a chocolate bar, “why don’t you move out?”

His question hangs midair, as both sides of the call remain silent. Chuuya is staring at him as if he had just said the most unreasonable, stupid, global harming thing of all, and Tachihara shrinks somewhat down on his chair.

“Are you out of your mind, now?”

Chuuya’s passive-aggressive inquire has Tachihara under the need to explain himself further. “I mean, you only speak about how much he pesters you, isn’t that true, Chuuya-san? Then it can only be natural to change roommates. You’ve been living together for two years now, so leave him.”

Chuuya lets out a chortle, making Tachihara feel as if he is no bigger than a kid that still doesn’t understand how the world functions. Leaning closer to his laptop screen, Chuuya maintains the smile on his face.

“That’s just plain stupid, Tachihara. Unfortunately, it looks like I’ll have to live with him forever.”

“Chuuya-san, you’re just college students. In two years top you’re done sharing a roof.” Tachihara intends to offer some tranquilizating words to his friend, even when Chuuya is apparently in another astral plane judging by his calm expression.

“Yeah, but we’ve talked about renting a flat together after graduating.” Chuuya says, and Tachihara definitely doesn’t understand a word.

“Didn’t you just say you hated him?”

Chuuya looks back at him unimpressed.

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

Tachihara sighs and doesn’t bother ending the call before slamming his laptop shut for good.

“Dazai, get your ass out of my couch and get your part of the assignment done!” Kunikida screams from his flat’s kitchen. “Now!”

“Ugh.” Is the only thing Dazai says as he keeps lazing around under the apologetic stare of Kunikida’s flatmate, Atsushi.

However, his nap attempt is soon cut short when Kunikida comes back to whack him to the floor.

“Such an unmannered man. Right, Atsushi?” Dazai complains without moving, and the aforementioned only shrinks in his armchair.

“Shut up and get to work.” Kunikida commands, turning his computer on without sparing a glance to the still lying body on his flat floor.

“But I’m not motivated anymore, Kunikida-kun.” Dazai whimpers, and doesn’t bother to raise.  “Unmotivated. Un–” He starts accentuating each syllable– “mo–”

“Dazai…”

“–ti, va–”

“Alright!” Kunkida explodes, “Why are you unmotivated, Dazai, care to tell?”

Dazai jolts up from the rug. “So straightforward, Kunikida-kun!” There is a grin on his face hat almost costs him another blow, though he dodges it. “However, it’s all because of Chuuya.”

“Your roommate?” Kunikida frowns, already typing the report he deeply knows Dazai is not going to do. “What does he have to do with your idiocy?”

“Everything,” he says, “his face, his voice, his fashion sense. Everything is a disaster. On top of all, his inexistent stature. It physically pains me.” Dazai finishes his list, all while leaning down again on the couch with a whimper that leaves a pout in his lips.

There is a moment of silence in the room which only pesters Kunikida further.

“If you aren’t going to work then leave.” He ends up saying after listening to his classmate’s nonsense.

“But Kunikida! I can’t leave! I’d have to see Chuuya’s face at home and it gives me the goosebumps!” Dazai turns around so he is able to kick in the air like a child, only to spite his friend. “Living with him is such a torment!”

“Is he really that bad?” The question escapes Atsushi’s lips before Kunikida can warn him with a pointed look, and Dazai practically jumps on the sofa in excitement.

“Oh, believe me Sushi! He is worse! He steals my clothes, makes the best curry ever, and has an astonishingly intoxicating scent impossible to resist!”

Dazai claps his hands together and then forces an expression of disgust. Atsushi leans his head to the side in confusion, though he doesn’t try to understand the man. That is a battle he surrendered from long ago.

“But those are only good traits?” Atsushi speaks again as if Kunikida isn’t silently begging him to leave the topic.

“And the worst of all is that he always interrupts my suicide attempts!” Dazai cries, “This morning I was trying to drown myself in the bathroom, but he just had to come and tell me to rush!”

Atsushi feigns a sound of understatement after Dazai stares at him for a moment. “O-oh.”

“I obviously told him he can always join me. He turned the cutest shade of red!” Dazai trails off along with vague hand gestures, “I wouldn’t mind taking a shower with Chuuya at all…”  

“But doesn’t that mean you like him, Dazai-san?” Atsushi hesitantly asks, and Kunikida groans loudly at last.

Dazai’s strident laughter interrupts him.

“Me? Like Chuuya?” He says in between giggles, “I loathe him. He,” Dazai needs to take a breath for a second, “He makes me want to pry my eyes out in disgust. I’ve got all these feelings of revulsion inside of me every time I see him, you know? My blood rushes and my head reels at the mere sound of his name, it’s terrible.”

“But that’s precisely what it means to be in–” Kunikida steps in before Atsushi can finish his sentence and send his afternoon to hell.

“Dazai,” he says, “if you get on with your part of the project I’ll let you crash on the sofa tonight. That way you won’t have to see your roommate’s face.” Kunikida really tries to give a reassuring expression. “Only start it. Deal?”

There is silence. Then, Dazai gasps and immediately looks at him as if he has just said something impossible. His unrelenting look makes Kunikida feel as if he had grown a second head, or worse, decapitated an animal. And even though he knows his classmate doesn’t make sense at all most of the time, Dazai looks like he has been greatly offended, thus Kunikida wonders what wrongs must he have done in his previous life to deserve such a punishment.

“Do you mean not going home to Chuuya?” Dazais’ voice is hardly perceptible.

“Didn’t you just said…?” Kunikida asks, not even remembering why the hell is he even participating in the conversation in the first place.

Dazai deadpans. “That’s just plain stupid Kunikida-kun. Do you plan on passing this project with that atrophied mind of yours?”

A vein twitches in his classmate’s forehead. “Dazai…”

“Ah, now I really am unmotivated. Nothing can ruin the mood more than hearing nonsense.” Dazai says before standing up, stretching his arms above his head. “I’ll be taking my leave, then.”

“What?” Kunikida grunts, bewildered. “Come back here! You still have to do your part!”

“Oh, and just so you know,” Dazai turns around in front of the door to look at them, “there is no way I’m not going back to Chuuya at the end of the day. Don’t ever suggest that again.”

Dazai closes the door after him.

“I’m back, chibi!” Dazai shouts from the door, quickly scanning the place to find Chuuya sprawled down on their modest couch typing in his laptop.

His chest feels lighter at that image, and Dazai rushes out of his shoes, barely leaving the coat hanging before throwing himself on top of the redhead.

“Unfortunately, mackerel!” Chuuya groans, shifting so nor Dazai, his laptop or him end up on the floor. “Welcome back.” He adds with a sigh anyway, because deep inside him it wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t.

“Say, Chuuya,” Dazai raises his head from Chuuya’s stomach, “is this my sweater? Again?”

Chuuya doesn’t bother lifting his head from the screen.

“I won’t deny or confirm anything.”

Dazai chuckles while dragging himself up so his head is resting against Chuuya’s shoulder. The redhead allows him to accommodate over his body without a word, and once he is done Chuuya buries his fingers in Dazai’s brown locks, caressing his scalp with slow motions.

Dazai humms in appreciation, indulging in the feeling with his eyes closed. “What were you doing?”

“Just finished telling Tachihara how much I loathe you.”

Dazai bats an eye open to stare at him in something akin to amusement. Chuuya ignores it in favor of discarding his laptop over the tea table, and then swifts down over the couch, only halting once his head is at the same level than Dazai’s.

“That Tachi-something guy really is a nuisance.” Dazai comments, both his eyelids closed again.

Chuuya makes himself comfortable against his roommate’s body. He notices how Dazai’s bangs have already fallen down to cover up his eyes, and how his lashes fit beautifully against his clear cheeks. There is also the almost imperceptible mole against the side of his nose. However, Chuuya doesn’t dare look lower than that –he knows better than to get himself into the lion’s den.

Against all odds, what he does is murmur in contentment. “Hmm, please don’t do something stupid.”

Dazai barely lifts his lids to stare at him. “Since you asked so nicely.” He says, and then his arm is encircling Chuuya’s waist to drag him closer. “I despise you, too.” Dazai whispers against Chuuya’s just licked lips. “So much.”

Chuuya smirks, yet doesn’t take the step further. He grabs a fistfull of Dazai’s hair, not with the intention of pulling apart but for giving the assurance of how close they are instead. Dazai parts his mouth in half a silent moan.

“Don’t do that, you make my skin crawl.” Chuuya groans, slowly lifting his look from Dazai’s lips to his eyes.

“I can’t stand seeing your face either.” Dazai stares deep into Chuuya’s eyes, his hand already finding a place in Chuuya’s warm nape.

All it takes is Chuuya biting down his lower lip and a quick look from Dazai to his mouth for them both to give in, as usual.

[illumous]

IB ➞ Art school???

I’ve gotten some PMs with questions about taking the IB Programme in high school and how it’s now affecting me in art school now so I thought I would finally do a Post(TM) about it. Again, everything I’m about to talk about is based on my personal experience but please feel free to talk with me if you have any concerns about this post. I want to put myself out there and help others if I can since I had so much support getting to where I am now. If you have any other questions about art college or the likes, please feel free to shoot them my way 💘

WHAT IS IB?

The International Baccalaureate Programme (aka. IB) is a “fast paced” program for middle and high school students that’s supposed to promote students to think independently and critically. At my school, there was a set courselist, with one or two elective choices. Some courses were Standard Level (SL) and some were Higher Level (HL), which certain post secondary schools allow to swap out for first year credits. IB is different in different schools and different countries though, but overall, It’s meant to be an alternative and more challenging high school experience. 

IB + ME: 

I can’t say I had the most positive time in IB or anything since I was also REALLY struggling with mental health at the time and had hated every moment I was in high school. But upon reflection, there really were things to be gained from the experience. Pros and Cons. 

I was in full IB until second semester grade 10. At that point, I was already thinking about studying art after high school, but was afraid to commit to it entirely because there was so much pressure from my parents and peers to go into a “respectable” career and get a “high paying job in science or math or business” or something. So I dropped to partial IB as a compromise and took IB math, Art and HL English, as well as regular Ontario Uni level Physics, Bio, CompSci, etc etc etc. 

DO YOU USE ANY OF THE STUFF YOU LEARNED IN IB CLASSES IN ART SCHOOL? 

No. 

I have an official credit for Grade 12 Advanced Functions but the most math I do now is occasionally multiplying by 12. Could I solve a quadratic equation now? Don’t even know what that is anymore. 

BUT! You never know what could inspire you. I was so interested in quantum physics, I’m literally writing a story about parallel universes. Learning is almost always good. 

LET’S TALK ABOUT IB ART FOR ONE HOT SECOND: 

I did find IB Art incredibly applicable and helpful because it taught me how to keep a sketchbook and understand the creative process, neither of which you actually directly get graded on in the animation program at Sheridan but is personally tremendously beneficial for developing ideas and creating pieces. Now I draw thumbnails for everything I do. And I appreciate them!

Even if you walk away from IB Art with the most garbage collection - no sweat, it’s only high school and it’s learning the process of creating art that is so so important! When I applied for Sheridan Illustration (the same year I was accepted into Sheridan Animation), I basically repeated a simplified version of the IB Art process and was accepted into the program with a portfolio score of 80, with 9/10s in Process/Ideation, Media Exploration and Sketchbook, which you REALLY focus heavily on in IB Art. 

I would highly recommend taking IB Art if you are thinking about doing art after high school, or doing art in general. 

BEING AN ART STUDENT IN IB:

I hate that Art Kids(TM) have a bad rep. People always assume that art is a dead end career and we all starve and we’re all morally questionable people but that’s not true at all!

But being that Token Art Kid in IB (outside of IB Art class) actually made me feel awful back then. I was always kind of an odd one out. That’s not to say that people weren’t nice or anything. But there was so much pressure to not go into art. Ever since I was a kid, I’d always wanted to be an “artist when I grow up” but I found that in high school, I’d often say that I was “interested in art but was also thinking of pursuing an alternative career in this and that” because I was afraid of being looked down on in an environment where everyone around me wanted to do something “brainy”. Admitting that I wanted to do art almost felt self depreciating because everyone else was actually going to get a “real job” and live “better lives”. But that’s totally not the case! I ended up spending a lot of time taking a bunch of science and math courses I didn’t really like to maintain my twenty thousand irrelevant Back-Up Plans.

IB AND LEARNING SKILLS: 

I think no matter what you do, having good organization and time management skills is always going to be so so important! 

Sheridan Animation is such a loaded program, you really have to try to schedule your time well. I used to complain about the IB courseload but I honestly feel like Sheridan Animation is so much more laborious. We had 8 courses + an elective last semester, each about 2 to 3 hours a week, plus all the time you had to put into doing homework and living life and sleeping. 

Even though IB is meant to keep you busy to force you to learn good work ethics, I don’t think forcing someone to work harder necessarily means that they are going to learn how to manage their time. I was 100% unmotivated and depressed and self destructive in high school. I was in IB for four years but I always studied the night before an exam up until the very last one. And when I graduated and moved out, I realized that I was a mess and I had to change, and it was that self realization was what motivated me to learn how to slowly put together my life back together. Only then did I start taking steps to curate my life and learn how to plan ahead and schedule my week and get! stuff! done! 

So all in all, maybe IB does put you in an environment where having good learning skills will benefit you, and maybe that will motivate you to learn how to maintain a good work ethic. But I really do think skills like how to study and learn and live life is something that you have to be aware of as an individual and want to work towards. Being in IB may help with those things, but it isn’t going to suddenly grant you powers to study two weeks in advance and keep track of all your assignments in a way that works for you. You have to learn to do that yourself. 

HL CREDITS (AT SHERIDAN): 

Not all schools acknowledge HL credits. Sheridan claims to. I know people in Sheridan Animation who have used their HL credits at other universities before coming to our school but I’ve never spoken to anyone at Sheridan who has used them in a Sheridan program. 

This is lowkey a call out post @ Sheridan, but I have tried applying for advanced standing with my IB HL credit to replace my electives twice, but neither time went through. They claimed to not have the proper paperwork, and when I paid for IB to send my transcript to Sheridan, it was never found (despite there being a confirmation email from IB that it had been sent to the right place) so I was unable to get it processed due to a lack of paperwork. And when I tried to follow up through email, I was ignored. 

(If you have successfully gotten your HL credit request to go through at Sheridan, please PM me and tell me how :’^)) 

I do know for a fact that even if you could, in theory, replace some electives at Sheridan with your HL credits and as long as you still had enough courses a semester to consider you a full time student, you would still pay the same amount of tuition. You would just be less busy. 

SHOULD I TAKE IB THEN? 

Honestly, it’s up to you and your own life! 

I know I rambled on for so long only to give the most passive and watery advice but I think you should do what you believe is best for you! Just be aware that whatever you choose is going to lead you to a different future and all your actions will have consequences (good or bad or either) and be okay with that. 

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t do IB so I could have more free time to draw. Maybe if I drew more in high school, I would have gotten into Sheridan Animation a year earlier. But if I did that, I wouldn’t have learned how to paint in Art Fundies and have the friends I do now and live with people I love. Everything I’ve ever done up to this point has brought me here and I wouldn’t change a thing about the past so all I can do is work on making my future, you know :)) 

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Good luck! 

[afterourhearts]

Affirmative Action Reversal: Equal Opportunity?

Affirmative Action is going away under the Trump administration.  

Contrary to popular belief, not all Asian-Americans are against affirmative action. 

When I was a high school senior, and even a college freshman, I sat there and bitterly stewed in anger about how I probably could have gotten into one of the top Ivies had there not been affirmative action going on. As the only national merit scholar of my year in my entire school district, valedictorian of our class, with 17 APs under the belt, and boasting a slew of leadership positions and service hours, I for the life of me could not understand why I ended up rejected from Harvard, Yale, and Princeton collectively and waitlisted from Duke and Penn. Meanwhile, a extremely rich girl got into Harvard with an SAT score 200+ points lower than mine. Her mom is a NY times bestselling author, her fam is loaded, and she is like 1/16 Native American. You could make the case that she had more exciting extra curriculars and a better essay than I did, and that may potentially be true, but in the era of affirmative action you also can’t ignore that Native American status helps your admission chances and helped hers.

But as college continued, something changed. I broke out of my upper middle class Asian bubble of friends who all bitterly resented affirmative action and for the first time in my life made some Black friends. Some Hispanic friends. Some really rich friends, and some really poor ones too. I started hearing other perspectives on affirmative action. Good points were made. I began to realize how limited my own view of affirmative action had been. I had fixated on, “My life was ‘ruined’ because I didn't get into an Ivy league because of affirmative action though I ‘deserved’ it” but ... was my life ruined? All this “things are so unfair” talk I was saying ... did I ever consider my privilege? I wasn’t even aware of it. What is fair, anyways? Is it fair that Black Americans have been crippled in growth as a result of multiple negatively impacting forces, of which institutional racism is a major one and one that other minorities in America don’t get hit as hard on? To me, the difference is full ride scholarship to pretty decent college vs. Ivy league acceptance. To someone who may benefit from affirmative action, the difference is perhaps college or no degree. 

At URichmond, I tutored a group of inner-city 8th graders in reading. All were Black and reading at a 4th grade level. The first few weeks were frustrating because they were unmotivated and distracted. I finally realized much of this distraction was a result of their hunger, because this program ran from 6-8pm and their last meal had been at noon! Brought snacks in and motivation was regained. Who can focus on critically reading when you just want to go home and eat something? During the last day, parents were invited to join. I heard parents discussing with each other about being excited their children would soon be at a legal age to work so they could start contributing to family bills. Working seriously (I don’t mean babysitting or tutoring style jobs) at 15 is not something my parents would have ever imposed upon me. If anything, they would ask me to get a job to acquire some “work experience” or have something to slap on a resume, because they did everything in their power to ensure nothing was hindering me from focusing on my studies, and all extra-curriculars had a college application purpose. If I had to help pay the bills and faced food insecurity all throughout high school, would I have still been the valedictorian? More than likely not.

But that’s why we should look at SES rather than race - this is an argument I hear a lot. Unfortunately, the experiences of those within the same SES vary between races and the playing ground there is not fair either. Poor whites don’t experience the institutionalized racism that poor blacks face. As a result, opportunities for advancement within the black community are still less abundant. For example, if you think about the biased criminalization of Black Americans and then think about how many fathers are jailed (not a single father was around for all 4 of my students) you can get a better sense of just how different experiences between races are even at the same SES. 

I am not saying affirmative action levels the playing field here in America, but I do believe it was a step in the right direction. Imperfect and inadequate but better than no action at all. And when articles are coming out about how affirmative action will “level the playing field” again when it comes to college admissions, my blood boils. The playing field was never level to begin with. Tell it as it is, Trump. You want to keep the minorities disadvantaged. Because this country will forever belong to the White Americans, at least for you.

Still salty about not getting into Harvard and thinking that had there not been affirmative action you totally would have? Peep this great article: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/opinion-young-asian-american-affirmative-action_us_5af5e145e4b0e57cd9f951c4

“A 2016 study found that “eliminating African American and Latino applicants from the Harvard admissions pool only increases the admissions chances of Asian American students by one percent, making it quite unlikely that rejected Asian American applicants would be admitted even under a system that does not consider race.” The study further finds that the discrepancies are due to a “white admissions advantage,” because the underrepresented minorities that stand to benefit from affirmative action make up such a small portion of the applicant pool. Stated differently, the removal of affirmative action overwhelmingly would benefit white people, not Asian Americans.”

I love when my Asian-American friends stand up for our AAPI community. But, we must not distance ourselves from the struggles faced by other minority groups in America and we must understand how intertwined our struggles and their struggles actually are. When they lose, we lose too. 

Disheartened by the removal of affirmative action but even more disheartened knowing there were bitter Asian-Americans at the forefront of this policy change, mistakenly thinking removal would benefit our community greatly, and instead became pawns used by the players who hold the real power in this country. 

My heart aches for the many whose lives have become nightmarish under the Trump administration. The parent-child separation thing was devastating enough and sometimes it just seems like one crushing win after the other for the racists and bigots. No, I’m not saying every Trump supporter is a racist or a bigot, please don’t twist my words, but I am saying the ones who are get wins when he is President. 

But I digress. For now, we say goodbye to affirmative action. Colleges will undoubtedly change their admissions variables in order to avoid lawsuits. Those who are disadvantaged in this uneven playing field of education in America will remain as such, and those who are privileged will tout that there is now equal opportunity for all. 

[jjamspace-blog]

Gifts That Last

So here’s another blog entry. This time it’ll be about my mom’s stories about her childhood. Actually, it’ll be about one story that’s more like a combination of multiple stories. Essentially, it was about how her mother, her aunt and uncle (and pretty much her entire family) became her entire parental unit after her father passed on early in her life. She talked about how her uncle left for Japan to work so that he could send her to university. She even talked about how her aunt would leave with a few pesos and somehow come back the same day with enough food to feed the house (a secret that she admits she has never figured out). She talks about how her mother acted as the mother figure (cooking and cleaning and other typical motherly stuff) not only for her but for her cousins as well. Not really too much to tell. These acts are things that happened regularly in her life. My mom told me these stories the same way we would talk about having a good day at school or work: always happy and always with peace of mind. 

This same view also passed onto me. When I was a kid, I never saw her aunt and uncle as a grand aunt or grand uncle. I always told the other kids that I had two grandmas and one grandpa on my mom’s side. They always looked at me confused and it was only years later (teenage years) that the concept of a grandaunt or granduncle was something that I understood. These trends essentially shaped my views on family. Your family isn’t the people directly related to you like your siblings, parents or children. It’s the people who are there for you when you need help and hang around anyway when things are fine because they enjoy your company and you enjoy theirs as well. I guess I have already been keeping them going. With my friends from high school, I essentially see them as my siblings. The that’s closest to me is someone I call my little sister (mainly because of the way she acts and because I’m way taller than her so it looks like I’m older). 

Hey, sis. (Vax’ildan and Vex’ahlia, the twins from Critical Role)

As a matter of fact, I commonly tease her the way an older brother would. My favorite past time with her is keeping track of all the boys she’s had crushes on. In a span of five years, I’ve counted nearly twenty. I’ve even calculated her rate using the basic formula for speed in Physics which speed = distance/time. Distance (being the boys which is around 16)/time (5 years). This means that she has liked around 3.2 boys per year. Truly a record. Other times, I’ve also shared sandwiches with her and helped her out with her homework. Heck, I even egged her on to ask her crush as a date to the 9th grade dance (an hour long pep talk mind you). She’s been of my best friends for almost 6 years now and that’s thanks to fact that my mother taught me how family isn’t about blood but bond.

I think this is a great time to talk about me as well (I don’t like doing this). Another story (this time from my father) was about how he’d take me out for rides in a car when I was around two years old. He’d drive around the neighborhood and I’d sit in his lap. Sometimes, he’d stop and bounce me on his knee like I was riding a horse. There were other times throughout my childhood where he’d wrestle with us (my younger brother and me) or even turn our beds into slides. I think it was this consistency of fun and enjoyment that pretty much said it was okay to be me and that my parents would take care of me. For Erikson’s stages 1 to 5, I really learned to trust my parents during my first stage. I also developed my autonomy as my parents would ask me if I wanted to do these things (the car riding, wrestling and knee horse) and there were times when I would not want to. So yes, my parents gave me more than enough space for me to develop my autonomy. I also developed my stubborn streak during this period (that I and my parents both say I have inherited from both of them). Though I got to choose, my parents also sort of nudged me towards the stereotypically boy things like Power Rangers, robots and Star Wars (Thanks mom and dad!). This is now the third stage and yes, I would say I did see the differences between the sexes here. I even got into the age old “boys are better than girls” argument. From here, I got into the 4th stage and I would say that the positive reception I got from the previous 3 stages did help as this was the time I started taking my school work very seriously and I became grade conscious. This did pay off as I actually got good grades throughout middle school and high school, helping me get into college a year early and even get into an Honors course. Even now in college, I am feeling more unmotivated compared to my past years because it’s all so new to me (the people, the profs, the size of the environment) and so my grades dropped. 

        ME IN HIGH SCHOOL VS ME IN COLLEGE 

         (I am not a D- student though)          (FYI I am mostly a B to sometimes B+ student)

Even then, I’d still consider myself on the more academically well off among my course and department as there are students who are just fighting to stay in the course while I’m well above the cut off. I just wish my grades were higher. Besides that, I’m still looking for my motivation again and I can feel it coming back (in extremely small amounts but baby steps, y’know?). Right now, I’d say I’m in the fifth stage of development going to the fifth. I’m very much secure in my identity as a grade conscious student and eldest son (because my brothers JUST HAD to be the socially outgoing little munchkins going into the performing arts so guess who’s stuck in the natural sciences as an aspiring Physician?). This is a great time to talk about my dream as a doctor y’know? I tried out theater, sports and the humanities (like the vast majority of my family) but for the longest time, I couldn’t see any of them as my vocation or calling the way this medical dream has. Just the idea of helping people regardless of their background and fixing them up and making them feel better is something I have gotten behind. The politics? The social justice? The liberalism? The conservatism? The communism? Democracy? Libertarian? Honestly, it bores me and disillusions me. I feel like being a doctor is one of the last few professions that does good just for the sake of good (in it’s ideal form of course). Every other profession I can think of has so many labels and causes that go with it. But a doctor? Just keep them alive. Make sure they wake up. When they come to you sick, you simply treat them with all you have. I will have that white coat adorning my shoulders one day as I become a competent Surgeon who’ll help just because it’s the right thing to do. And yes, I will treat people regardless of their background. I mean it. If politicians, soldiers and social justice warriors and hardcore conservatives wanna fight, they can do it outside of my operating room. Everyone gets fair treatment from me. 

Overall, I’d say I’m a nine to ten among the first five the developmental stages that Erikson’s theory has described. Specifically, 10 for the first two stages then a 9 for the the third and fourth then a 10 again for the fifth. I hit some rough patches in the initiative and industry stages because those stages required some socializing of me that I just could not put out as an introvert. Honestly, I’d say with the utmost conviction that I’m syntonic and trustful because of the good stuff and bad stuff that made me “me”. Thanks to my mother’s version of family and my father finding ways to entertain me and my siblings, I’ve lived a gifted life so far. I’m the smartest. I have my lazy moments. I am not particularly athletic. BUT I am functioning individual with just the right mix of qualities that I need (like academic knowledge, determination, etc.) so that I can make my way in the world to one day help people as a good Surgeon. So yes, my parents gifts of family and fun do last and I fully intend to pass them on in my own unique way. 

[tournesls]

u probably don't want to read this is just me incoherently rambling on about how I hate school and complaining that life (specifically mine) sucks so maybe don't read

i honestly don’t know how I’m gonna make it through this second trimester. we don’t have semesters in my school or quarters bc we’re k-8 and I’m in 8th and fuck. these are gonna be the worst few months ever. after summer it just gets So Bad. summer is my favorite season GOD I miss her. my skin was clear, I was out doing shit, I was hanging out with my friends, I was pretty healthy and now fucking fall/winter comes and SCHOOL and BASKETBALL and everything goes to shit. I’ve played basketball since 4th grade and this is the first year I’ve been so unmotivated to do it. I love the sport, its the people on my team and the people that aren’t on my team that I hate! the only things Im looking forward to in winter are, my bday which the week after next (yay!), winter break LIKE DEADASS I’m on break rn and I’m anticipating my next one lol, and seeing brockhampton in February, and my best friend’s birthday because we’re gonna do something fun. but my grades are kinda slipping and shit’s becoming harder and I’m going to high school next year, and all my teachers are trying to prepare us and its too fast. my school is oh so special and we get to choose from 5 different high schools, AND MY TOWN IS SO SMALL IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ONE. the closest one is about a half hour away and it’s like the second to shittiest one (which would’ve been our default school) and the other closest IS the shittiest one and then all the good schools (that I’m going to have to go to thanks mum) are at least 40 mins away AND THATS EVERY MORNING AND AFTERNOON FOR FOUR FUCKING YEARS. and its just so scary. like we’re not even 3 whole months into the school year and next week people are visiting the shitty high schools (not me) to see what a day’s like there and if they want to go there and we have to choose a high school by the end of January and none of them feel right for me and I hate my teachers and I hate this program because its hard for a 14 year old to choose things and I wish we could all just go to this shitty school like every one else has FOREVER this just happened to start a few years before now and UGONGLKSNFKLAHNL. like my best friend who’s visiting the shittiest school next week (bc her brother goes there and her mom is practically making her go) got this question list and it said shit like “what do you want to do in your life/future” ass shit like WHAT? WE ARE 13 AND 14 YEAR OLDS WE DON’T FUCKING KNOW. MY MOTHER DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO SHES 34 WHAT THE FUCK. I hate this, I hate adults, I hate that they had the decision to let us make our own decision. I hate that I’m so stupid and this is literally nothing IM SO LUCKY. I HATE NOVEMBER AND DECEMBER AND JANUARY AND FEBRUARY and I don’t really like march or April BUT I LOVE MAY AND JUNE AND JULY AND AUGUST and September and October are ok. I’m gonna post this under a read more because I’m so annoying and this is pointless and I deadass want to kill myself because I wouldn’t have to go through all this shit and my sister got taken away from my dad and the last time I saw her was a moth ago and I miss her so much and her moms a driggie my dads a SHITHEAD and I love my mom and i wish my dad loved me and fuck I’m so annoying like tonight? I WAS SO ANNOYING I was hanging out with my best friend and we just went to Walmart and tj maxx with her mum and I was just annoying and I love them so much they’re like my second family. and theres this kid in my class who has the stupidest name but he’s really nice and nerdy and called me LITTLE BEAR which is an inside joke but everyone thought he as creepy up until 7th grade when my friend got a crush on him. everyone called her weird and he said no to her when my friends asked him out for her and it was sad. now I think he’s kinda cute, my best friend thinks he’s cute and we talk about him a lot and he GOT SO TALL over summer vacation and he’s so weird but I got to know him over last weekend because me him and these 3 girls from my class are in this adventuring group thing with kids from another school and he never talks to us in class but me and two of the girls talked to him a lot and we went bowling and he was so nice and funny and I talk to him in school and I told him to watch stranger things. my best friend read our texts WHICH WAS JUST US TALKING ABOUT TV out loud to her mum and they said he liked me and that was weird because no one likes me and he likes this other girl I know and I’m literally so ugly and fat and gross but I’m trying to learn to love myself more and its been working out quite well. social media has actually been helping a bit (weird right?) but idk how I’m gonna get through school. if I cant get through fucking 8th grade then how am I gonna get through high school? life in general? idk what I want to do? I honestly can’t imagine myself outside of the school ive been going to for the past 7 years. I can’t imagine myself getting past the age of 14. I’m 13. I can’t imagine myself in college and I just recently went on a college campus for the first time and I loved it! but it was so weird, so scary. this 8th grade year is so different because there are so many traditions that get thrown at you because this is the last year you’ll be going to this school in this incredibly small town. theres going to spend a whole week in the woods with your class with no phones, theres fundraising for the class trip WHICH IS GONNA BE IN A FRENCH SPEAKING COUNTRY AND IVE BEEN TAKING FRENCH FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS AND I DONT KNOW SHIT (its in Canada) and theres so much community service and traveling and in band we have to perform for older people and I wish I could write this much for the essay I have due last week. the essay is about something I like and something that motivates me (lgbtq rights in schools and how to stop people bullying lgbtq students) I still can’t write it I just hate school and everything about it. I don’t want to go to basketball practice tomorrow but I have to and if it was just a practice id be fine but we’re scrimmaging and ugh I fucking hate my school SO MUCH and have I said how much I hate myself? because its a fucking lot. time goes by so quick and I just want to go to sleep but then everything will be wasted and everything sucks and Im sososoosososooooo tired and I’m so overdramatic and fucking immature and dumb and I think yes I am gonna post this maybe privately though just so I can read it after this winter and oh that reminds me of Kieveee when we had to write letters to ourselves that we’ll get before we graduate stg. I’m not ready for graduation I know ill cry . ill cry so much because when say I FUCKING HATE THIS SCHOOL I CANT WAIT TO GET OUT I actually mean I love this school its my safe place all my friends are here my classmates, though some are annoying, I love all of you and god I’m not ready to be a “big kid” and I wish I was a little kid again and I love u mr. m and mrs.s  and fuck Idont want to leave

ok goodnight school sucks and my life revolves around it

[existential-asshole]

Expectations

I am not who 17 year old Alex expected me to be.

When I graduated high school, I was optimistic.  The world was my oyster, and I was going to be a successful English and French high school teacher.  I was going to make a difference in the lives of teenagers!

And then reality hit.  Reality has not been kind to us Millennials.  We were all, for the most part, forced into going to college.  The notion of going to a community college wasn’t even entertained at my school, at least not for a student like me.  I was in Advanced Placement classes.  I was intelligent.  I wasn’t particularly driven, but I was assured that, once in college, I would really “find myself”.  

I liked school in high school.  I loved to learn.  But college was a whole other beast.  I struggled to find anything that I was passionate about.  I didn’t want to sit in a classroom.  I wanted to be out in the real world, learning hands on.  But it had been drilled into my head for the last 18 years that college was the only real option, so I stuck it out.  For six and a half years, I bounced around to a few colleges, first UW-Oshkosh, then UW-Platteville, then finally settled at Madison Area Technical College (now just Madison College).

I spent four and a half years at Madison College.  And I struggled.  My instructors all liked me.  I knew the material like the back of my hand.  But the thought of going to class every day and listening to stuff I already knew exhausted me.  The attendance policy was strict: miss a certain amount of days, and your grade was docked half a grade; miss more, and your grade was docked a grade and half; miss one more after that, and you fail.  A lack of motivation, combined with the bipolar disorder I’d been diagnosed with senior year of high school, combined with social anxiety, meant that I had to repeat classes after forgetting to do assignments and being too unmotivated to go to class.  

My entire lack of motivation, combined with a pretty bad break up, culminated in me basically failing an entire semester; I dropped classes so I wouldn’t fail them, but because my program was on a year cycle, I would not be able to take them again until the following spring semester.  This wasn’t the worst part of everything, though.  The worst part of it was knowing I would have to tell my parents that, once again, I’d screwed the pooch.  Once again, I would have to disappoint them.  So I put it off.  

I knew putting off telling them the truth would only make things worse, but I grew up being told I could do anything by my parents, and every time I failed, I felt like their disappointment in me as their child got bigger and bigger.  For those three months I held onto my secret, I was more worried about disappointing them than the fact that I was lying.  I held onto it until a week or two before the fall semester was supposed to start, and shit hit the fan.    

This is all still very vivid for me.

I sat them down in the living room on a late Sunday morning.  I had to work a waitress shift at 1, but I couldn’t put off telling them any longer.  It was eating me alive.  So I told them.  And they were so disappointed.  I’d failed them again as a daughter.  Not just with school, but with lying for so long about it.  They told me they wanted me to move out of the house.  That they couldn’t live under the same roof as someone who had lied to them for so long.  And that broke me.  I had tried so hard to not disappoint them and ended up disappointing them even more.

I panicked.  I didn’t have anywhere to go.  I didn’t have the means to move out.  I didn’t have my own car.  I didn’t know the first thing about looking for apartments, or finding a roommate, or living on my own.  When I went to Oshkosh and Platteville, I lived in the dorms.  It was paid for, and my roommates were chosen for me.  This was yet another uncertain thing in my already uncertain life.  I did not know what to do.  And something in me broke.

I swallowed a bottle of my medication.  An antipsychotic.  I wanted my confusion to end.  I wanted to stop being a disappointment to everyone in my life.  I wanted control.  I wanted to end my life because it no longer was worth living.

And then I had a change of heart.  Ten minutes after I took the pills, as I sat on my futon, looking up at the ceiling, I realized how much it would hurt everyone.  I remembered how it felt when my best friend had been killed in a car accident when I was 16.  I remembered how I had vowed to never make the people around me feel like that.  So I called 911.  The dispatcher asked to speak to my mom as I fought sleep.  An ambulance came to the house, and the EMTs walked me out, slowly.  The EMT showed skepticism that I was having trouble walking.  “That isn’t a symptom of ziprasidone overdose”.  I was literally trying not to pass out and the EMT took that moment to judge me.  I remember that very distinctly.  Honestly, if I ever meet him again, and recognize who he is, I might punch him.  Maybe right after someone has swallowed a bottle of pills isn’t the best time to be a condescending dick.

Regardless.  Back to my story.

I faded in and out of consciousness at the hospital.  I slept on and off basically until I was officially admitted and held overnight for observation.  The woman they assigned to be on babysitting duty with me was really nice.  She was from a French speaking country in Africa, so we spoke a little in French.  It was nice to have practice, and it was a welcome distraction.  Eventually, psych came in and cleared me, deciding I was not a present danger to myself or others, but I was still going to be held overnight because I had a pretty bad vitamin deficiency, and they wanted to make sure the meds hadn’t done lasting damage.  I watched the first three Shrek movies and Beetlejuice.  

After I got home from the hospital, my best friend drove home from La Crosse to see me.  We just sat in my room and watched TV.  We didn’t have to talk.  I didn’t need to, and I didn’t want to.  But she was there.  If I wanted to talk, I could have, and she would have listened.  But her being there was enough.

Things with my parents got better.  Part of it was me trying incredibly hard to be a better daughter, and part of it was them realizing, I think, that I still needed their help, that I wouldn’t get better without it.

And guess what?

I got better.  I went back to school, and I passed the classes I had failed.  I worked my butt off and found motivation.  I found things I was passionate about again.  Fall of 2016 (two years after everything had originally fallen apart for me), I entered what would have been my final year.  I was slated to graduate in May of 2017.  

I typed up the entire story of what happened, and then deleted everything.  It’s been nine months and it still stings.  I ended up dropping out of school in December because apparently, life had more curve balls to throw my way.  I lost faith in the program I was in, and in myself, quite honestly.  Even when I thought I was doing everything right, it still wasn’t enough.  I was so sick over what happened that I just sent off e-mails to my internship explaining that I would not be continuing with them.  I didn’t want to have to talk about it.  I still don’t want to talk about it, and it’s been nine months.  I decided to quit school and work more hours at my serving job while I figured out my next step.

That’s when I stumbled into my current job.  We were short managers at work, and while out with one of my managers, I brought up the idea of me joining the management team.  She was all for it and quickly got it approved by the GM of our restaurant and by the Regional Manager as well.  It took four months to finally go into effect, but I started training in April.   I finished my training right before I would have graduated from college, which I was painfully aware of.  All my former classmates were posting graduation pictures, and while I was happy for them, I was upset that I was not with them.

It’s been about 5 months since I started managing.  And this is the first thing in my life that I’ve felt like I’m good at.  The first thing I really enjoy.  I work with people every day.  Customer service is my thing.  My management team is awesome.  I have (for the most part) awesome employees.  I work for a fantastic company.  For the first time, there really is a light at the end of my tunnel.  As long as I work hard and don’t lose focus, I can succeed.  I think.

I’m still terrified that I will fail again.  Each of the failures I’ve had has taught me something, but I don’t want to learn anymore.  I spent almost 20 years in school, and it took me 20 years to realize that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to be perfect in everyone’s eyes.  I just need to ask myself if I’m happy with where I am.  And that’s all that should matter.  That’s not always how it works, but I’m trying.

If you had told me in high school I would be 25 managing a restaurant with no college degree, I would have laughed.  I had everything in my life planned out, and nothing, I mean NOTHING, went according to plan.  There is not one aspect of my life currently that 18 year old me would have wanted (apart, maybe, from my tattoos and my cat).  

But you know what?  18 year old me would have thought 25 year old me was pretty damn awesome.  

I work my ass off.  I put 55 hours in at work last week over 6 days, and let me tell you, there is nothing more satisfying than overtime pay.  I strive every day to be better than I once was, and I, for the most part, achieve that goal.  

I spent so much time wanting to die and wanting to stop disappointing everyone that I forgot that the person that matters most in my life is me.  And I’m so proud of myself, honestly.  Because this time, life threw me a curve ball and I didn’t fall apart.  I did something about it.  It’s definitely not the right path for everyone, but apparently, it was the right path for me.

But, Life?  I have one more request.

I’m retiring from baseball.  Please.  No more curveballs.