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b-lessings · 3 years

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10 lessons I learned from the first 10 days of Ramadan 🌙

(personal, subjective, and in no particular order)

1) It's a constant work and it doesn't get easier. This is the first thing that came into my mind. As a matter of fact, the daily routine of this month is no joke, whichever deeds you try to perform and incorporate in your deen from the 5 obligatory prayers, to the sunnah, to the nawafil, to the azkar, to the Qur'an recitation, to the daily x number of istighfar you promised yourself you'd achieve, it is a lot of work, especially if you have a family to take care of, a job or school to go to, or more critically, if your mental health is not at its best condition. Every day (or night), you get out of bed and you're back at square one, you have all this list of tasks to do, and it gets a lot some times, and you do feel exhausted (but if you are among the lucky ones, then it is the good kind of exhausted), and it's not like your prayers are gonna perform themselves, you have to ger up, you have to act. That's why you need to constantly remind yourself why you are doing this in the first place. What is the point of fasting and waking up in the middle of the night to pray and spending hours throughout the day just remembering Allah swt and reading his book, etc. You have to remind yourself of the ultimate purpose of this month, that we are sacrificing the worldly pleasures for the sake of Allah swt, to gain Taqwa, to be in a state of constante awareness and consciousness of Allah's presence, to get closer to Allah swt the most gracious the most merciful, and that if we don't actually put on some work and effort, we won't get to where we want to go, we won't achieve any of that. It is good to keep things in perspective. Be aware of what you are doing, where you are now, where do you wanna go and what it takes to get you there. If it's constant work and effort, then be it.

2) You can't achieve anything by yourself, your intentions are not enough, you need Allah's support. In fact, for the first couple of days I was so confused, I had to ask my sisters " If the devils are all locked away, why do I feel like I can't focus? " And I was constantly asking myself, if I have already prepared, downloaded the calendars and planners, put up a big board on my bedroom wall, etc., Why do I feel like my Iman is getting low?, AstaghfiruAllah. Aren't we supposed to feel on cloud nine? In a state of pure bliss? And then I came across a khutbah where the Sheikh may Allah swt bless him answered my question. He explained that even though Shaytan is locked away, he has already programmed us, for 11 months (he even made a joke that Shaytan deserves a month off because he has been working too hard for the rest of the year). Anyways, what I realized is even your will and your plans and your excitement about Ramadan and your promises to do so and so deeds is not enough if you don't ask Allah swt for support, for sabr, for guidance, for help, for strength to be able to fulfill those ibadat and carry out the plans you have made for this month. You need to constantly ask Allah swt because who else is our refuge? Who else is our source of strength and patience ? Who else will keep us steadfast on the straight path? And who else is gonna help us against the traps of Shaytan? No matter how willing or excited or determined you are to perform your prayers, finish reading the Qur'an, etc, you still need Allah swt to bless your deeds, every step of the way. Without Him, nothing can be achieved. So in your sujood, ask Him that He give you enough strength to finish that prayer in full Khushoo' and concentration, and after that prayer, ask him for sabr and strength to manage to perform the next one and the one after. Tell Him that you seek refuge in Him from the traps of Shaytan, from laziness and lethargy, from the disoriented heart and the distracted mind. Show Him that you are vulnerable and that even though you are trying to do this for Him, you actually can't do it without Him. SubhanAllah.

3) Forgive yourself when you fall short.

{يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ}

{God intends for you ease and does not want hardship for you}

Allah swt literally said this in Surat Al Baqara (The Cow) when he prescribed Fasting upon us and introduced us to the holy month of Ramadan. Soz read it again. As simple as that, I am not gonna develop this idea further.

4) No matter how much you prepared before Ramadan came, you aren't prepared enough. Well, are you familiar with the saying that Ramadan is like a marathon and you have to prepare for it way before? That's actually true. And guess what? No matter how much you think you are prepared, there are still gonna be some moments when you'd still feel out of breath, where you wish you'd have prepared more. May Allah swt make us reach the end of this month smoothly and seamlessly. May Allah swt bless us and accept our deeds from beginning to end.

5) Our deeds don't get accepted because they're good enough, they get accepted because Allah is merciful. I heard this in a youtube khutba just last night and it resonated with me. Put this in your mind, learn it by heart, print it out on your forehead if necessary! No matter how perfect you think your deeds are, they won't get accepted because you're an amazing slave of Allah swt and you win at worship and ibadah. Don't get too confident, beware of arrogance, control your ego. Stay humble and know your place. The only reason why your deeds would be accepted is because Allah swt will have mercy on you, not because you are so good that your deeds would qualify you for forgiveness and acceptance. So pray that Allah swt accepts our deeds and pray that he encompasses us with His mercy.

6) Don't compare to others, don't get intimidated by others, we are not on the same journey. Walk your own rocky path. I can't stress this enough. I know a lot of brothers and sisters Mashaa'Allah, Allahuma barik, are overachievers, or they might just be out of our league. And sometimes, through social media, we see what they share (in their attempt to motivate us and share some tips and good deeds, spread the knowledge, May Allah swt bless them, accept their deeds and reward them), so we get intimidated. Sometimes it feels like what we are doing is not good enough because it doesn't even compare to what X or Y are doing. And we feel a bit scared that we are not good enough of slaves for Allah swt or that Allah swt wouldn't be pleased with us like He swt would be pleased with them, and we can even feel unworthy and get discouraged ( beware it's a shaytan trap). It is simple though, your path to Allah swt is very personal. What a brother or a sister does only get to inspire you not discourage you or intimidate you. When you see someone sharing something good or beneficial, make duaa for them and make duaa for yourself then leave it at that. Competition is taking over every aspect of our worldly life, we shouldn't let it mess with this sacred part as well. And remember, we are not all on the same journey to Allah swt. It is okay if you can't recite the Qur'an in such a beautiful way or if you can't pray 10 rakaas of Taraweeh, it is okay if you can't read in Arabic or if you don't learn any hadith by heart. Allah swt is patient enough and considerate enough. Scratch that, He swt is the most patient, the most considerate, the most gracious, the most generous, and He appreciates your effort. What matters for Him is your sincerity and the purity of your intentions.

7) The less food you take, the more energy you will have. FACTS. I mean, imagine the struggle of having to pray Ishaa and Taraweeh on a full stomach where every time you get down for sujood you feel like your soup is coming up :/ Allahu almusta'aan. This month is not about feasting. It is literally about giving up pleasures (food being one of them) to focus on Allah. So, Focus on what's important and set your priorities straight.

8) Don't overdue it. Beware of the ghost of Burnout. So yeah, like I already said earlier, it is a lot of work and it requires preparation and constant effort. The aim is to be at our best shape of health and Iman on the last 10 nights because they are the most sacred, the most important, the most blessed. You might wanna consider starting small with your deeds and building up slowly. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little." [Al Bukhari]

9) Personalize your ibadat / plans. In other words, do what's best for you and what's beneficial for you. Define your weaknesses and the areas in which you want to improve. Don't just do this or that deed because everyone else is doing them. Do not follow blindly. What is good for you might not be the thing recommended or done by the others. And what you need on your faith journey is not what X or Y needs. You will be judged on your own deeds, your own journey. Have a purpose and a reason for what you are doing and why you are doing that. Also, the more you feel like your plan or your routine is personal, the more you can relate to it and connect with it, the more sincere you will be, the more excited and enthousiastic you will be, and the easier it will be for you to perform your ibadat in Shaa Allah.

10) Too much information can be poisonous. If ,like me, you got into a habit of watching lectures and videos of speakers this Ramadan, then breaking news: it might get confusing. I don't want you to feel lost and confused. Allahima barik the resources are countless and limitless. But also, you have to beware whom you listen to. There are different sects, different perspectives, different rulings on certain things. So, try not take things blindly. Take them with a pinch of salt and always try to do a background check. And eventually, when it gets too much, always choose what's best for your heart, because we are created with an innate sense of "right" , our fitrah is sane, Alhamdulillah. So, try to be critical. Allah swt even recommends that.

I hope this post can be beneficial. Tell me which part you related to the most, and if you have any extra tips, please share. May Allah swt accept our deeds and grant us forgiveness, amen. 🤍

#ramadan thoughts #tips #ramadan experience #islam #رمضان١٤٤٢ #شهر رمضان #رمضانيات #sabr #muslims on tumblr #muslims #Allah

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threadsketchier · 3 years

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I Quit My Job to Do Podfic, & Other Shenanigans

...heyyyyyyyyyyyyy y’all. (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

A clickbait-y title for not-so-clickbait-y things: I really did resign from my remote job mid-November to be able to have time to not only podfic, but also completely revamp my apartment. I’ve been speedrunning the latter so that I can get it over with ASAP and focus on the creative stuff, and I delayed making this post because I wanted something worthwhile to show, but it’s taken a bit longer than I thought, so...heck, it’s Dec. 1st, so yeet.

In all seriousness, the thought of podficcing means a lot to me - so much so that I’ve bitten off quite a mouthful and my first project is over 100,000 words LOL - but moreover, I was really struggling with the fact that between my mom passing away and getting a new job, I only had one month. That was it. And I didn’t spend it taking a break, it was spent getting her cremated and cleaning out all of her things for donation. Almost literally to the day, from Feb. 21st to March 22nd, and within a few weeks my brain started spiraling that I was finally, truly on my own, no longer a caregiver or having to hide my fandom because we didn’t agree on it and faced with a home that wasn’t in a configuration I needed or suited me...but I didn’t have enough time and spoons around a full-time job to make any significant headway on changing my apartment or being able to record and edit what will likely be 15-20 hours of narration, not to mention wanting to make more art. The home stuff alone is a lot for one person, even in a small 1-bedroom unit. There’s areas in here that have been neglected for years because dealing with Mom’s health issues and my previous, much more murderous full-time job, and then COVID, eclipsed all that, and now it’s overwhelming.

Bless my boss, he’s the best I’ve ever had; he was cool with my situation after I explained how I felt and he told me mental health comes first, the company second. Yeah, I felt like an idiot for only spending 7 months with them and giving up a remote job I didn’t have to commute for. And I know I’ll have to crawl back to employment yet again in the next few months, because I don’t have millions of followers on a lucrative social media platform. Truthfully, I don’t know how I’ll cope with corporate employment for the rest of my life, because working at something that doesn’t involve fandom or creativity fills me with a despair bordering on physical pain, but that’s a problem for near-future me.

In the meantime, I’m just going to put it out there that I will have to make some expenses to assist me in producing the best content I can manage, and I know more than likely nothing will come of it, but I’ll remind everyone I have a ko-fi page now, so if you’re able to and feel like it, yeeting a few bucks in there would be super duper greatly appreciated. I’d like to make my recordings sound as decent as possible (for my non-existent knowledge on audio editing), and I’m tired of passing off shitty photographs of my artwork with details getting lost. This is the lineup of what I’d like to procure first (and if anyone has suggestions for additional or more inexpensive tools, feel free to let me know):

REAPER license - $60

Nectar Elements plugin - $129 (my goal with this software, at bare minimum, is to reduce the “canned” quality my voice takes on with a raw recording)

Art/Document scanner (extra hi-res) - $249

Sponsoring even a fraction of these would be awesomesauce. FEED THE MILLENNIAL MONEY RACCOON HERE. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ ♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

***(At a friend’s urging I did cave and install Venmo on my phone, for anyone who prefers that. I guess you can send me a non-anon ask or DM if that’s your weapon of choice?)

Like I said, I’d love to have included some pics of my new setup or a range of voice samples or fresh artwork, etc. etc., to make this post feel like...I can earn what I’m asking for, lol? But yeah, as soon as I can finish with furniture rearrangement/replacement, I’ll post before & after shots and finally get cracking on more fun stuff.

(Yes, I’ll probably reblog this a few times to get as many eyeballs as possible, apologies in advance.)

#man if i could live off of podficcing i would #it's work but it's fun work #I WANT TO MAKE FUN SHIT THAT MAKES Y'ALL HAPPY Y'KNOW

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liam-93-productions · 3 years

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This weekend it’s the UK’s biggest event on the entertainment calendar, with the 74th EE British Academy of Film and Television Awards taking place at the Albert Hall with guests and nominees attending virtually for the first time, thanks to Covid-19. And while the awards promise to be as exciting as possible in these unprecedented times, on Sunday night we will also be treated to another exciting world-first in the form of Liam Payne being beamed into houses up and down the country while performing for the opening of the ceremony.

Yup, if you’ve ever fancied the former One Direction crooner serenading you at the end of your bed, on Sunday you can make your dreams a reality – or augmented reality – as Liam has joined forces with the EE network to create a 3D avatar hologram of himself that can be beamed through the app ‘The Round’ (available on any mobile device) as he performs at the Albert Hall. Super fans can also get to experience the avatar in their homes, or on-the-go, ahead of the performance, if they tune in via the app at 6.45pm, 15 minutes before the hologram joins real Liam on stage to perform.

GLAMOUR caught up with Liam to discuss this sci-fi sounding excitement as well as hear how the past year has treated him. In a wide-ranging chat with the ever-charming Liam, we covered all things from the struggles of lockdown and coping with his mental health to his former bandmates, burgeoning acting career, new music (...).

Is the fact that you're performing at the BAFTAs a sign that your acting career is on the rise?

I've done a lot of auditions, a lot of tapes. The thing about acting somebody told me, it’s very much like: are you right for the part and is the part right for you? I think it takes a lot of talent, luck and judgment going into acting to actually get into a job. I mean, hat's off to anybody who does it because it's a long process. I seem to get through to like the final five or final three people for every role and then not quite get it. Which is frustrating but, you know, that’s how it goes. I've had a fair few auditions and I was lucky enough to get into the final five again for one audition that I got to meet Steven Spielberg [a couple of years ago] on my 25th birthday which was quite amazing. But it's been fairly slow through the pandemic obviously.

And what about music? Have you been writing anything, or even been in the studio?

I'm going to the studio later on today actually, to record something for the first time in a while. Which is quite weird to be traveling back into London to go into work. I've been doing some stuff from home as well, which has been quite interesting. Zoom sessions don't really work out all that well, it's very difficult. I'm sure a lot of musicians will agree. So, it's been kind of hard to work properly during this half of the pandemic. The other first half of the pandemic, I just did these live shows, which was really amazing to play live and do them online, which was kind of strange... It's been difficult in terms of the creative process for me.

The past year has been challenging for absolutely everyone, no matter their circumstances. How has it affected you on a personal and a professional level?

In the first half of it, I was so busy that I didn't really notice it as much, except for having to do a lot of stuff myself without crew and learning to do hair and makeup was kind of a weird experience. But then this second half, I stopped working and I had a full, proper month off [and that was] really hard. And it was all a bit dark for me for a little bit and I'm sure many people experienced it. Just not being able to go anywhere, not be able to do anything. It really, really hit home. And I just found myself sat in the same place day in, day out. And I was like, okay, I really do not know what to do with myself.

You’ve bravely spoken about struggling with your mental health in the past, and you say now that you did go into a bit of a dark place recently, how have you coped with that?

I think it's an ongoing experience. For me, learning to relax has always been quite a hard thing to do because I feel like if I'm not moving forward, then I must be going backwards. And I think that's something that I've always struggled with. So, in a way it's kind of a blessing in disguise, as this has all kind of taught me to relax a little bit more. And to not be so worried about that, like the world is not going to fall over if I don't do something today. So, it's been nice in that respect. But I think for a lot of people it's difficult, and I definitely took for granted how much I miss my family. I'm used to being away from home, I'm used to being abroad and not seeing very much of them. But I'd always see them at a show or at something once a year. And then now that that's all been taken away, it's been a lot to not see my family and realise how much they actually ground me.

So, what have you found helpful or supportive during the past year? Have you turned to anything to get you through these dark times?

Friends that are there for you... [talking to] one of my managers that I'm quite close with. I think a lot of guys struggle to talk about what the hell is going on a lot of the time. And for me and him, actually we're quite heart on our sleeves sort of people, so we talk a lot about different things. But I think if I didn't have that, someone to share that with, I think I would have struggled a hell of a lot more.

Like a mental health mate?

I mean, we literally talk about everything. We're probably too honest with each other! But I think it's important that everybody has that person. I'll be honest, at the start of this, drinking definitely became a lot more of a thing because there just didn't seem to be any boundaries. I wouldn't say I drank too much, I'd say I drank too often. Just through the boredom, I guess. A lot of people were going through that though I think - there was so many funny, great memes about it I saw friends of mine put up. But it can be quite dark at times. I think the only thing that's really helped me through that is just learning to work out again and learning to put boundaries in for myself in terms of what food I'm eating. As a pop star, I think you're always quite weight conscious. My job has always been about having to work out, doing underwear modelling and all that sort of thing, it makes you quite body conscious at times. It was nice to be able to just sit and eat pizza and chocolate, I really enjoyed that. But getting myself back into the habit of working out and then having a cheat day put in place, so that there was more boundaries in line, I think has definitely helped me.

I'm quite fortunate that I don't put a stack of weight on, although I have gone up rather a lot in size over this time. But I think it was more about routine for me than anything. And I always say, having a small victory before you get into bed at night time. Or life just gets depressing. Whether that small victory is making sure you've spoken to a family member, you've worked out, or whether you did learn to do something today, just something small. There's one task that you literally can't be arsed with, you should get done just on the day, so that you feel good about yourself when you get into bed.

That's so important. So, do you almost have a checklist before you go to bed?

I think as long as I make the gym and I've done that bit and I've taken care of my needs, just cooked some nice food. That's mainly it for me, really. And then I feel good about it. (...)

(...)

Moving on to social media, you've obviously got such a massively positive fan base, but how do you cope with the negative side of social media and the impact that can have on your mental health?

I struggled with it for a long time. I argued with people. I was aggressive on their points trying to fight my own side. And I think for some people you are talking to a brick wall, you will not win and there's no point trying. And also, the more you talk about it, the worse it gets. So, I just shut up and put up a lot of the time. I think it's the Queen that says, "never complain or never explain." And that's something I think myself I do live by because it's just like, with some people it gets worse having the argument and trying to explain yourself. But all of it, it's like five minutes of your life for somebody who doesn't know you, it's just a bit pointless.

You have so much intense public scrutiny on you all the time, how do you navigate keeping something back for yourself, and how have you managed to maintain that sense of privacy over the years?

I think this has been one of my biggest struggles this whole time. Because, I'm very much a heart on the sleeve sort of person. I didn't actually realize this for a long time, but I often give a little bit too much away…But it's definitely a difficult one to flick the two people apart. So that you're on stage, you're a certain type of person, and at home you're a certain type of person. That's always something I've really struggled with.

And you've been famous since the age of 16. How did you manage growing up in that sort of public glare?

Never did! [laughs] My friend was [recently] talking about how he’s got a teenage son that he was really struggling with at the moment. And I was thinking, "oh my God, imagine how much people would have struggled having five teenagers, rowdy boys in a band. It must've been terrible, there's no getting through to them!" And for a while, it probably was. I think we all go through that awkward teen phase where you're finding yourself. And most of us, we get to get away with it. And they're funny family photos for later on; here was your emo phase or whatever you went through! And for us, we never got away with being awkward or annoying at points. It was kind of out there for everyone to see; the awful haircuts and we’re talking terrible clothes, it was all out there.

What has your career taught you about the idea of success and the idea of failure?

I think it's taught me lots about how you would measure success. I came from a family that weren't very well off. We didn't have a lot. My dad was in debt actually when I started. So, success for me always meant a monetary thing to start off with. But then as I got older, I realized I don't really buy all that much. I don't really spend a hell of a lot of money. So, it can't be about a money sort of thing. And it's more now become more about happiness and experiences. And the one thing I always say about my job, no matter what, and everybody gets annoyed at their job sometimes, it is what it is. But for me, at least I get to put a smile on someone's face.

Yes, you do! And what has it taught you about failure?

That's a really good question. It’s taught me I think that perseverance will always prevail in that sense. Because it doesn't always go exactly to plan. We were really lucky when we came up, we absolutely skyrocketed. And then, it's been hard to follow that ever since. But you know, measuring a failure as well. What is a failure? And people will look at this and, for us sometimes getting a 100,000,000 streams isn't quite what we aim for, but it's still 100,000,000 streams….you have to kind of get a hold of yourself. Everything is about perspective at the end of the day, isn't it? That was something I struggled with for a long time, because of how well it went [for the band.]

So you had such high expectations for everything?

Yeah. And it's like, time to give that a break really. And Louis from my band has always been quite great to sit with me and talk with me about stuff. And if I'm feeling a certain way. We've been quite good with each other, actually in that respect and helping each other out, which has been nice.

And finally, if you could sit down with the Liam who was starting out in One Direction in 2010, what advice would you have for him?

I think just have more fun and relax a little bit. I think I was a very serious child, one of those man-childs, I was a man in a child's body pretty early on. And I think I would have avoided that stage, to be honest with you. To enter One Direction as that difficult, because it just meant that I got completely a different job to everybody else.

You were the grown up one?

That was it. And it was boring. I should have just larked around and thrown plates out the window and stuff!

More rock and roll?

Well, I mean at the start, and then later on a bit less rock and roll [laughing.]

Well, thank you so much, Liam. And we look forward to seeing your performance on Sunday at the BAFTAs.

I'll see you wherever you want me in your house, I guess.

Liam Payne is performing an exclusive EE BAFTA AR real-time music performance, ahead of his 5G-powered opening show at the 2021 EE BAFTA Film Awards. Download ‘The Round’ app to enjoy the live AR experience through your mobile phone, wherever you are, this Sunday 11th April 2021 at 18:45pm BST.

#liam payne #liam's interviews #glamour uk #ee baftas #07.04.2021

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outrunningthedark · 3 years

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Hi I have cerebral palsy too and while mine is not severe enough to warrant the use of a wheelchair I agree with everything you said. I don’t know about you but I feel like I’ve been very engrained with this narrative that I should be grateful for my disability because it makes me stronger and lots of people have it worse. I don’t disagree with either of those statements, in some ways it did make me stronger and I know that lots of people have it worse than I do. However, I don’t agree with seeing my disability as a good thing or a blessing because the truth is, I absolutely would change it if I could.

Let me start off by saying that it's always wonderful to find more members of the CP family. 💞💞💞 Thank you for letting me know. I am all too familiar with the "lots of people have it worse" discourse when it comes to disabled life. While it's true we both have a "milder" form of CP [if strangers see me sitting down in a regular chair without my leg braces they have no clue I can't stand up independently], and we should definitely take into account that we're fortunate to do things others with a more severe form of our disability cannot, that doesn't mean what we go through sucks any less. That doesn't mean we're not allowed to be confused, sad, or angry. I don't know about everyone else, but for me, CP is a tough condition to make peace with. It's not based on genetics. You have no warning that it *might* happen. You don't even get a real answer as to what causes it. My story is that my mother agreed to get an amnio after my older sister was born and diagnosed with spina bifida. (My sister's condition has basically been "invisible" since she was in preschool, fyi.) She wanted to know if there would be anything to "worry about" with her next child. Shortly afterwards, I came into the world waaaay too early and was struggling to breathe (I turned blue). So, the amnio (which is known to cause problems such as miscarriage, infection, and preterm labor) combined with my lack of oxygen led me to where I am now. This is the kind of condition where I can't ask anything but "Why me?" because I literally have NO EXPLANATION for it happening TO ME and not my other two able-bodied sisters, or my cousins, or the baby being born next door, etc. And then you add in my older sister having a physical disability that didn't impact her way of life, even though doctors warned our parents to prepare for the exact opposite. THAT is frustrating. She's the miracle. I'm the disappointment. If I could take a pill or undergo an operation that would [at minimum] improve my CP...I absolutely would. Being on social media and talking about my struggles is the quickest way to give myself a headache, tbh. So much of the conversation is geared towards people with invisible disabilities/chronic pain/chronic illness/neurodivergent behavior. I respect the hell out of everybody dealing with these issues (I can relate to a few for sure), but I feel like those of us who have had visible disabilities from the beginning get left behind. The difference between me and people with those other conditions is that, unless they are using a mobility aid OR making it obvious there's something "different" about them in another way, they do not need to put their health on display. No one has to go around telling strangers they have ADHD, a mental illness, Crohn's, hell, you don't even have to reveal when you're in pain. Whatever ails a person, they have the option to keep that to themselves because they "look normal". I'm going out in public with my 300+ pound wheelchair being rolled out of an accessible van while wearing leg braces. Everyone gets the picture, even if they aren't quite sure what to call it. Also, a lot of disability discourse revolves around a "before" and "after". People mourn who they used to be, what their condition took from them. TBH, I think that's why the "wheelchairs = freedom" opinion is so popular. Of course people whose health has slowly deteriorated are going to celebrate the ability to regain a semblance of the life they were accustomed to. Except...some of us didn't get a "before". Some of us have never known what it was like to not be referred to as disabled. As you can see, this is a topic that evokes a lot of emotion of me and this is only a tiny portion 'cause I could do this all day. Inbox is always open. Sometimes I'm slow in responding, but I get there eventually. Thanks for stopping by! 🌈

#wishbonewriting #tina speaks #cerebral palsy tag #disability tag

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teddyshoney · 4 years

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I’ve been thinking about posting this for a while now...

Good morning, everyone. I'm going to make a personal post, and you're more than welcome to ignore me if you'd like. I tend to ramble, and I can guarantee that this post will ramble, too. And, as a trigger warning, I'm going to be talking about my anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. I have no idea where I'll end up, but I have a few things I need to get off my chest.

You may be wondering why I'm not making a post like this on social media where people know my true identity, and I'll answer that. I grew up in a small town. When I was living there, there were not even 1000 people living inside city limits. My parents, grandparents, and great grandparents were all raised in the same town. So, this caused what I like to think of as a "generational effect." Things that weren't well-known and understood 100 years ago probably still weren't. This includes opinions on mental health and invisible, chronic diseases. Case in point, I've known and understood that I have anxiety and depression since I was 12 or 13 years old. I'm now in my mid-twenties, and I just told my parents about this 2 years ago. Since then, I've been met with, "If you keep a clean house, you won't be depressed anymore." And, "You need to not let things get to you so much. If you just don't worry about things, you won't be anxious." Not that you need it, but another case: I have flat feet. I have had flat feet all my life. My flat feet affected my body so much that I was once pushed down in the hallway and tore ligaments in my knee. I had pronated ankles for years. It took me coming home from work at age 17, following the knee issue and several months of physical therapy, crying every day for almost a week because my feet burned so badly before my parents decided that they should perhaps take me to see someone about my feet. At age 18, about 5 months before I graduated high school, I finally, finally got arch supports so that my feet didn't hurt quite so badly.

Now, despite all that and some things I haven't gotten to yet, I love my family dearly. I'm the oldest of 4 kids, and I've accepted that I was the parenting experiment, that they were very busy with my younger siblings, one of which was quite a handful, and that they were raised to think a certain way. Without a reason to change, they haven't and likely never will. I love them despite that, and I choose to accept it all.

However, all that being said, that leaves me with little to no one whom I can talk to about my chronic pain and possible fibromyalgia (undiagnosed as yet, but the more I read, the more convinced I become that that's what it is). Now, my parents know I have it. I've told them. They believe me...in a way. One of the last times I was home, my mother told me that she thought I should be more active. "Sitting around all the time will make you too tired to actually get up and do anything." Like I said, I love her, and I know she's trying to help, but her comments have only added to my despaired feelings.

I often felt lazy growing up. I would sit down after doing something and be exhausted. I would feel weary. The idea of getting back up to do something else felt exhausting. I used to think that was just a symptom of me being very lazy, but the more I've researched chronic pain and fibro, I've come to realize that I think I just had early symptoms, long before I would actually have the disease.

I think about that a lot now, especially since it's harder and harder for me to do things all the time. I was a very accident-prone child, and I used to joke that I'd end up in a wheelchair before I was 30. It's a very sobering thought to realize I may not have been lying. It's very hard to watch my mother, who just turned 48, do so many things that hurt me. What kind of life is ahead of me, being old well before my time?

If you read the first chapter of the most recent Blaine Has Fibromyalgia story I posted, you'll see a poem in there that Blaine writes. During one of my recent flares, I wrote that poem. For me. About all the things I can no longer do. A few people here know that, and they've expressed that it makes them sad.

It makes me sad, too. Yet, there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can take or do or think or say that will make this go away. For the rest of my life, I'm stuck. It's staying. And, I wonder, what more can it take from me? It's already taken my love of traveling. It's already taken my productivity. It's already taken my sleep, my short term memory, my ability to enjoy the things I love on the particularly bad days, and it's taken my identity on those days, too. I'm reduced to nothing but a sad, sniffling sap on the couch when I can't even lift a finger without feeling like someone's holding a torch to me or running over me with their car.

Now, it may seem like I'm looking for sympathy. I'm not. I'm not looking for any, "Poor you! That must be so terrible!" No, I'm only really looking for acceptance and a safe place, a place where I don't have to hide. A place where no one is going to point their finger and say, "Well, maybe if you just got off the couch, your life wouldn't suck!" I need to be able to have my bad days and not worry I'm upsetting or hurting anyone. Because I will. I have a husband who, despite not signing up for the "in sickness and in health" thing to be such a reality so soon, has been, to the best of his ability, very supportive and understanding of me. He has his mess-ups, yes, but he's human, and he hasn't given up on me yet. But I know it hurts him to watch me deal with this. I know it bothers him that it seems like I'm always complaining. I know that there are days he'd like to tell me to just shut up. He never does, but I know this is hurting him. So, I've got to try to channel it somewhere else.

If you've made it this far, thank you. I'm not sure what I intended to get out of this post other than a bit of catharsis that I'm talking through what's been swirling in my head for almost a week. Maybe that's all I needed. Whatever the case, thank you for reading this wild mess of rambling. This site and my writing is my therapy. For the most part, I do feel accepted here, and I'm very blessed that I've met some wonderful people whom I can call friends. I love all of you, everyone who reads my posts or stories or just follows along because I occasionally reblog an interesting post.

The truth is, I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know if fibro will prevent me from having a family, if it will keep me from traveling, or if it will hold me back from following my dreams. What I do know, however, is that I will always need people. Fibromyalgia and chronic pain, as well as depression and anxiety, are isolating illnesses. They keep the sufferer from seeking friendship and other people from seeking out the whining and whimpering sufferers. I know that I need companionship in my life from friends, family, and people who don't know me very well. I need to build a support system, and I need an outlet. Thank you for being my outlet.

If you've skipped down to the end of my post, hoping this monstrosity is over, I just want to implore you to take time to text your friends, tell them you love them, and lend a listening ear. You never know when they might need you, when your attempt at contact will make their day. Reach out. Talk to them. Love them. They need you. We all need each other.

Thank you, yet again, for reading this mess. I love you for it.

#personal #fibromyalgia

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coldcolourchords · 3 years

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Turning 21 - an unwanted landmark

It happened an hour and 20 minutes ago, as the clock hit midnight CEST and the date changed so seamlessly to the 12th, without any hesitation, uneventfully and in complete silence, just as expected. The day I've been negatively anticipating for the better half of the past one year has come, and it caught me sitting at my computer alone in the living room, drinking hot tea on a summer night in a sweater and doing my silly little tasks that I call "work" (because despite my best efforts, middle of the night is still the only time of the day I can function as intended).

I remember ever since I was a child I always used to start mentally preparing myself for my birthday from New Year's Day. Even my mother used to say, "now that it's 2010, you're already 10 to me", even though August was still nowhere to be seen. But that felt good at the time. The beginning of a new year and my birthday approaching meant hope and progress, as the only thing I wanted as a child and as a teen was to grow up and not have to be a child anymore. I didn't like going to school, I didn't like being told to do things, I didn't like not being taken seriously, as I'm sure no one does. But by "didn't like", I mean it caused me severe emotional distress, the stuff that happened to me every single day without my control. It's hard to tell now in retrospect what caused what, but I have memories of developing my two most prominent and persistent mental disorders at around 6 years old (social anxiety and a BFRB) which have isolated me and often subjected me to cooler kids poking fun at me, shortly followed by starting school in the middle of my parent's divorce and moving houses. One of our last dinners in my father's comforting family home at the dinner table, I remember being visibly sad and my mum asking me what was wrong. My slightly belated answer ("everything") did not quite get the desired reception, as she and my little brother went on to have a little giggle over making assumptions about what that must include ("I'm sure she's sad over dinosaurs going extinct too..."). And, from then on, it's pretty much been downhill. I didn't like being home and I didn't like being at school (or at any of the million extracurricular activities my mum had picked out for me falsely thinking they could stop me from hurting myself and not just accelerate it). The ever-present social anxiety, bottled up frustration, high academic expectations and confusion about the nature of my very own self-destructive behaviours did not make for an enjoyable time in any of my 12 years at school. So, obviously, all I could do was anticipate the end. The end of being vulnerable to the very systems that were meant to nurture me and protect me.

I think that was my way of thinking all the way until I turned 19. Two years ago. At 19, I had graduated high school, I was about to start university studying something I was interested in, I had a semi-stable student job I liked and I was ready to move in with my boyfriend (a former classmate), separate from our parents. I had an artistic goal that I was ready to work for in my free time, and living away from home I was finally going to get the capacity to do so as well. And then when all of this happened and my thoughts became occupied with the new kind of responsibilities that came with "adulting", I started getting this overwhelming feeling of "what now?". A couple months have passed in the blink of an eye, it was November and I wasn't happy. I was making virtually no progress on my creative goals, my flat was a smelly mess, I didn't see my friends and I wasn't making new ones, and I found university to be draining and incompatible with my brain. I wasn't enjoying anything. I thought, "is this how I'm going to have to spend another 3 years?".

And then a miracle happened. I had to give a presentation at uni with a couple of other girls, and one of them suggested a book to do it based on. Reading my part of the book to prepare for the presentation has unlocked something in me - it was a book about the way people manage to feel like hostages due to their own decisions and thoughts. First it hurt to read because I had to face the truth: I wasn't really a hostage of expectations, university or responsibilities, I was a hostage of myself and my own attitude. I even wrote a song about this (my ultimate way of being honest with myself), and that's when I've felt ready to start working on myself in order to take back control over my life. And hell, I have done it. In a couple of weeks, I was feeling the best I've ever felt and I went into exam season thinking I was capable of the impossible at this point. Who knew I had it in me? I had gotten through a couple of exams and assignments and I was thinking soon I was going to start improving in other areas of my life as well. I was going to make art, see my friends again, go out, have fun, maybe learn to cook and be a better girlfriend too. Not a lot of that has happened. Came the end of exams and the second half of January and I was already exhausted. My job was at a halt and uni wasn't back on until mid February, so I spent a few shallow weeks at home just thinking "why am I doing this again?". It was difficult, suddenly having too much space for negative thoughts and rumination.

But it was only the start of the pandemic when my race with time has really begun. Which is ironic, because when the restrictions were first announced in my country, I really saw a lot of opportunity in them to grow for myself (and I mean this is in the least "this deadly virus is a blessing in disguise" way possible). University moving online and social gatherings being nothing short of illegal all of a sudden felt more than convenient for my social (but very luckily not health) anxiety ridden brain, and I had imagined this was going to be the most prosperous phase in my life, in terms of moving forward with my goals.

Ever since I was little, I had dreamed of becoming a musical artist. No one ever encouraged me - maybe for a good reason - and I tried to keep quiet about it as well. I was so ashamed of desiring something that was so "unlike me" according to everyone who knew me. I never had a good voice and everyone perceived me as shy, on top of being seen as more of a "STEM girl" (until I went to high school for maths and ended up not understanding any of it anymore). I'd been writing lyrics into my phone since 14 and attempting to turn them into actual songs on my laptop since 17. At 18, I even took a beginner's course in Ableton. Still, I just never felt like anything I wrote was of any worth or that I had a single ounce of talent in any part of the process. But I kept on dreaming and pushing because I thought "if I don't try, how will I know?". My work ethic was awful too, I was an inconsistent writer and an even more inconsistent producer. I never got anything finished because I got lost in the details and gave up due to my perfectionism. Plus, and this is what I perceived to be the biggest problem at the time, I could only record music at home, and my family were home all the time. Moving out, I thought I was going to prosper, then I didn't prosper for a bit, told myself it was okay because uni was making me depressed, then I continued to not prosper, told myself it was okay because I had to rest up after exams. And then it's like the universe said "Stop. You're just making excuses. Stay home and produce those songs now because there will NOT be another opportunity like this".

I put so much pressure on myself then to get stuff done. It felt like my time - all my adolescence I was looking at teenage popstars rising to fame and each year they were just getting younger and all I did was compare myself to them and worry. Worry that I was running late, that no one was going to ever care about me because I am late, but growing up I excused it every time. I was home with my family and stressed because of school all the time, duh, how could I have made good art? But right there, at the beginning of "quarantining", it was just me and my willpower. No school, no job, no impromptu social plans. And who knew how long it was going to last? Some people said only four weeks, some others said months, some the rest of the year. All I knew was I was 19, still young and practically a teenager, and I had to act. And I did. I made two of the worst songs you've heard in your life and I put them both out in the summer under my own name. Like proper released them on streaming services and all. Looking back now, holy hell, how desperate was I, posting it on my social media that people I actually knew followed? With my fear of being ridiculed? I was setting myself up for an emotional disaster. Shock horror: my songs didn't blow up (although I have had a few friends say lovely things about them, at least to me). By the time of scheduling the second one for release (mid July) I was already feeling burnt out. Yes, there was another exam season in the meantime, and the unexpectedness of the elongated pandemic has definitely been a factor as well, but generally I was just so let down by the overall underwhelming experience. I made such bad decisions - why my own full name? Why did I have to let people know and thereby handicap myself? Of course I wasn't going to promote my songs now or even speak of them positively because I feared coming off ridiculous. So I just let the whole thing pass without a sound and made myself sad. By last August, I was back to "what now?".

Needless to say, there were no festivals last summer. Festivals used to be my ultimate summer happy place and I always celebrated my birthday at a specific one (the biggest one in my city to be exact) starting with the 15th. Concerts and festivals were somehow simultaneously an adventurous escape from all my worries and the root of a lot of my confidence issues and anxiety. I dreamed of being on stage and presenting my art to the world, pouring my heart out to even just one person who will listen, the same way that I listen to my favourite artists and what they have to say. Some nights were emotional, some nights were energising, some nights were spent worrying about the people who surrounded me and some nights were just pure jealousy and feeling far away from my goals - you never knew what you were going to get at a gig. I think that overall most gigs were bittersweet experiences for me, but that's how I liked them to be. The whole point was just to feel something. But there were no festivals last year. There were concerts, though, put on by local bands, but lord do I wish there hadn't been any. I went to two of those last summer - one I went to alone and walked away feeling like shit, another I went to with my friends and felt extremely guilty and anxious about the virus after. This second one happened to be two days before my 20th birthday. I spent my birthday worried to death that I got the virus (even though numbers were extremely low at the time in my country and going to small gigs was perfectly legal and deemed not dangerous) and that I was going to infect my elderly relatives who I was going to meet with later. That didn't happen, but I haven't been to a single show since then, and it's been a year. So that's how my first non-festival birthday worked out.

Turning 20 didn't feel good and my birthday aligned with the onset of a bunch of new problems as well as old ones accelerated. I began to think deeply about everything. What was the point of anything I was doing? Was any of it going to get me anywhere? Was any of it causing me joy, even? I didn't know what to do about my musical efforts - should I keep trying to put out songs or admit defeat? I still had that creative drive in me and I worried so much about my role in the world - "I'm not a good friend, not a good girlfriend and not a good daughter, and I certainly will never become a good psychologist directly helping people with their problems. I need to give something to the world - I need to find a purpose". I didn't do stuff because I was anxious, and then I was anxious because I didn't do stuff. But I think at that point I also realised I didn't only want to succeed and produce. I also wanted to live. Having fun was missing from my life too. I rarely saw or talked to friends and my relationship wasn't going well either. Every day I tortured myself looking at other people live their lives on social media and thinking to myself I wanted what they had. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to create, to connect and to matter, but all of these things have only ever caused me anxiety in my life and I didn't know where to go from there.

With the virus getting worse again and the start of another online semester, there was one silver lining to locking myself in again though. During the pandemic, I have been playing a lot of video games, possibly even more than before. They weren't only a nice way to numb my brain and relax - no, the opposite, they were actively giving me a temporary sense of direction and progress with each gaming session. I have always loved The Sims for this reason, I had spent so many years building and perfecting my little worlds to my liking and practicing full control over my characters' lives, but this time I began to feel like it was something bigger. I discovered the Sims side of the internet, something I had not really done before, and the amount of content, help, info and Sims-related entertainment has blown me away. Whole new levels of playing have been unlocked for me and I began to dive deeper than ever. I wanted to be part of the community, so in the autumn I started streaming the game on Twitch and this time I knew better than to tell anyone I already knew about it. That didn't quite turn out as I expected, and my streamer phase was cut short in January by someone I knew from high school accidentally finding my stream. Before that, I would only get moderately anxious before streams, not worried much about what viewers were going to think of me (if they find me annoying they'll just leave and I'll never have to hear from them again), but then that unexpected turn of events ruined everything in my head. All my confidence I had built up was suddenly gone. I never streamed again after that. It wasn't really for me anyway, I told myself.

Instead, insistent on further pursuing the only thing that was giving me joy at the time, I started my YouTube channel initially uploading Sims tutorials, because I thought I had useful stuff to show people that has a greater chance of making someone happy than just watching me try to put together a sentence for 5 minutes straight while my Sims struggle to get in the shower by themselves. And much to my surprise, it was gaining decent traction, although I put a lot of it down to luck even today. But either way, it's been growing more or less consistently ever since, and beginning of the summer I stopped to think "could I not just be doing this for a living now?". "Could this be my new creative ambition?". As much as I would have liked to say yes based on my progress and how I managed to earn the same amount I would have earned in a month at my part-time retail job (we're talking Eastern European sums kids!), it wasn't that simple. Thoughts around this have of course been puzzling me for months now. I like to think of myself as a natural talker, just because I am anxious I am NOT quiet or shy. I can even make small talk very well, it's just that because I'm mortified by the possibility of an awkward silence I tend to avoid situations where it might be required. And I talk to myself all the time. So on paper, talking to a camera should not be an issue. And yet every time I record a video I feel my soul being sucked out of my body because I need to make sure I say every sentence correctly and that ends up in draining 4 hour recording sessions. Editing videos, on the other hand, is a rewarding process, a kind of flow-experience I have not really known before, though extremely long and usually detrimental to my sleep schedule (which is far from being rosy by default). Maybe I just put too much effort into everything, but it really makes you question - is it worth it? Can I really be doing this on the long run without destroying myself? And will I ever get used to the social interactions that come with it?

It's weird, suddenly getting recognition for something, people giving me positive feedback on the daily. This certainly happened more suddenly than I thought it would and I don't think I was prepared. Naturally, people taking the effort to leave me nice comments and messages makes me want to reply, appreciate their kindness and return the favour but the trinity of little demons inside me - social anxiety, impostor syndrome and a chronically low self-esteem - makes this a difficult task to complete. To combat the overwhelming weight of responsibility that comes with making sure I appreciate everyone who appreciates me enough, as well as to shut out the fear that what I have now can be taken away from me any second, I have built up a mental wall between me and my relative success. This wasn't a conscious choice, it's just the way my brain has started dealing with this new situation. I do not allow myself to internalise the rewards of what I work so hard for and that contributes to why, when I look back on 2021 so far, all I see is depression despite having "gotten what I wanted". My YouTube channel has been the only thing bringing hope and the only thing I've got going for me and yet I am incapable of embracing it.

The past one year has been enlightening. It has enlightened me that there must be something deeply wrong with me because I have not been able to enjoy life even at times I had all the reasons to. The times I am capable of letting go and feeling happy for short periods come exactly based on that - short periods. I'm drifting into states of bliss only when I know the situation is temporary and doesn't come with commitment and responsibility. Some of these moments of calmness come to me while walking to the store by myself after dark, getting invested in my video games, meeting up with my friends for an evening every once in a while and writing a therapeutic song just for myself using the simplest chords on the piano. The feeling usually doesn't last and disappears at the first attempt to get back to any kind of organised schedule (that attempt on most days is the simple act of trying to force myself to go to bed). Isn't that ironic? I wanted purpose. I wanted to get it together. And yet... every day is a struggle. I know now, I am the problem. Whether it's a chemical imbalance or another anomaly in my brain or my own fault somehow, it's not my circumstances, it's me. I wanted to be free and to make my life my own, and now I just can't. Every day I worry about running out of time, rapidly approaching death and not being able to say that I have lived. This is why turning 21 fills me with so much panic. I am no longer a child and I'll never be again, although I wouldn't even like to be. I just can't help thinking that I wasted so many opportunities to enjoy myself and to push for my goals. But it's gone now and there's no point regretting how I used to think about life back then. If I look back on my life so far I see a lot of stuff that happened that made half of my brain temporarily happy, but the other half was always filled with anxiety, anticipation to get out or dissatisfaction. It was just never fully right and I keep hoping that there will come a time when it will feel fully right. Before turning 19, I thought independence was going to give me that. Now at 21, I'm not quite sure there's anything that's going to give me that if I don't also start to work through every single one of my issues (although part of me still likes to cling onto the idea that once I'm done with my first and last degree, a lot of underlying stress and guilt will be taken off my shoulders and I'll see everything in a different light). So for a start, I just finally signed up for psychological counselling. I don't know if it will help but it's something and I've done it for myself. I need to do more for myself.

There is so much more I could talk about. Like the pandemic, how I've turned into a hermit, my relationship, struggling to be honest with myself and slowly losing touch with my all time number one passion because of it. I could talk about how I know that society has been deliberately making us (especially women) feel scared of aging and yet I still file it under personal issues, how I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule for a year and a half straight now, the guilt I feel from my family and friends all the time, my inability to concentrate and how I fall into despair concerning the future and present of humanity every time I read the news and people's opinions on social media. I could talk about how I want to cry every time I see a picture of somewhere beautiful in the world - a street in Japan, a lake in the Alps or the trees in the Mediterranean - because I feel a longing that is almost nostalgic for places I've never even visited. There is always so much to still be told to complete the story, but why do I want people I'll never fully know to understand me that well? I need to let go of compulsions like these.

Deep down I just hope that I'm not the only one terrified of growing old.

#21 #happy birthday to me #long story long #welcome to my brain #aging #depression #anxiety #growing up #growing old #young adulthood

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loosenedidylls · 3 years

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Blessings, Curses, Autism

My earliest memories are of waiting rooms with musty carpets and buckets of donated, broken toys. I guess it was worse for my parents, who had nothing to stare at but walls and trashy lifestyle magazines. Eventually, the professionals decided I had a condition called Asperger’s Syndrome, and there was one thing they wanted me to understand:

“It’s a blessing, not a curse.”

If someone asked me to list blessings off the top of my head, I’d mention 20/20 vision, pitch-perfect hearing, or George Foreman’s chin — not a neurological disorder that transforms the most natural stages of personal development into a confusing struggle. In hindsight, I would have preferred more concrete advice than ‘it’s a blessing, not a curse.’ Something like:

“Watch out for the train!”

…But the quippy slogan is what stuck. My parents dispensed it like a cheap plaster, and I still don’t know whose benefit it was for — mine, or theirs. What I do know, is that I never once believed them: I felt I was being brushed aside, or told to accept something blatantly untrue. Besides, children don’t care to question whether they’re blessed or cursed, so it was an answer to a question that hadn’t been asked. Existentialism is for adults trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Being an Autistic Child.

Autism is not a superpower. Thanks to certain pieces of popular media, you might think of autistic people as quirky-yet-brilliant detectives, awkward-yet-sexy hackers (always female), or nonverbal children with a deep, instinctive connection to whatever animal or alien the protagonists are trying to communicate with. Often, people with severe autism are plot devices in the same vein as a forbidden orb or set of nuclear launch codes. Instead of damsels waiting for Bruce Willis to save them, they’re objects waiting for Bruce Willis to understand them.

A lot of autistic people are brilliant academically, though not for the reasons you might think. A common feature of autism is hyper-fixating on ‘special interests’, obsessing over a subject until one has learned everything about it, before moving on to the next. Very few people become maths geniuses this way; more often they become diehard Sonic fans or start giving lots of money to Games Workshop. Here are a few of the phases I went through:

- Thomas the Tank Engine.

- Pokémon.

- Old English monster myths.

- Naruto.

- Peter Jackson’s King Kong (both the movie and the video game).

- Bleach (the anime, thankfully, not the cleaning product).

Fairly normal interests for a young person, right? Now remember the hyper-fixation part. People with Asperger’s tend to focus on certain interests at the expense of others, and those ‘rejected interests’ are usually vital for social development. Now remember that high school is a psychopathic hellscape crawling with cruel little monsters ready to vent their newfound territorial instincts on anyone who doesn’t fit in. The kid who wants to discuss the depiction of brontosauruses in a sort-of-okay remake of a 1933 movie isn’t doing himself any favours — constant bullying drives him even deeper into reclusive interests and solitary hobbies, and from there, it’s the luck of the draw whether those hobbies resonate with any of the kids around him.

I’ve always known a lot about things no one knows about, and nothing about things everyone knows about. This, along with the fact that a lack of social life makes it easy to focus on one’s studies, creates the illusion that some autistic kids are eccentric geniuses-in-the-making. Parents — especially the parents of autistic children — are quick to latch onto any display of intelligence. They watch intently for any sign their long struggle is paying off, and when it happens, they praise their child endlessly, reinforcing behaviour patterns both good and bad. Because adults told me I was intelligent, I told other children I was intelligent, and you can imagine how well that went.

This misapprehension — confusing a bunch of random trivia for genius — followed me into high school, hurting me all the while, which is ironic, because it was the only positive way I could think about myself.

I’m lucky to have found books and writing as lifelong passions, but that almost didn’t happen; in fact, I used to despise any writing task the teacher set for me, to the point of outright refusing to do the work. In my defence, I was trying very hard to be somewhere else at the time — mentally, that is. The idea of putting my feelings on paper, for all to see? I couldn’t conceive of anything more terrifying.

Harry Potter changed things. I was gifted The Deathly Hallows when it was first published, and even though I had no idea what was going on in the story (I hadn’t even seen The Order of the Phoenix yet), I thought it was wonderful — maybe because I was getting a sneak peek into a future movie. Since then, I’ve always had a book close at hand, and it wasn’t long before I started writing my own novels (more on those another time).

Voracious reading was, technically, another un-social activity that would consume my waking hours, but at least it was productive. My grades improved dramatically. I got good at writing essays. I became better at expressing myself, and I started to consider other people’s points of view. I made friends, lifelong bonds. I wouldn’t say I was happy at that stage of life — bullies tend to push back against things like improved mental health — but at least I was growing.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how close I came to disaster. I was 13 or so. If I’d left it any later, I doubt the outcome would have been so peachy. There are plenty of autistic adults with no friends, no employable skills, no human contact but ageing parents and rare, fleeting therapy sessions. Many of these people are quirky and brilliant, but there’s no happy ending for them.

Being an Autistic Adult.

Autism never goes away. It never gets ‘better’. It isn’t curable because it’s not a disease, despite what the vaccine deniers might tell you; autism is an intrinsic part of my neurological makeup, and living with it is a process of compromises.

I had to accept, early on, that I’m not the same sort of human being as the people around me. My brain is a different brand of brain: it makes different connections, processes different bits of data at different speeds. Things that seem obvious to you, need to be explained to me. I struggle to read a room, and I’m never quite sure if the person I’m talking to would really rather I shut up.

Put simply, my childhood experiences made me keenly aware of myself as an outsider. I need to watch for people’s reactions to anything I say or do, all the while navigating a maze of social cues and left-unsaids — but sooner or later, I’m always going to slip up. When you are differently-brained, it’s easy to misinterpret instructions, or to misjudge which thread of discussion is most important; and when you’re processing so much data at any one time, small-yet-vital points are going to slip under the radar. The result is being told off, being laughed at (‘laughing with you, not at you’ is another fun slogan I’ve learned to endure), and generally feeling stupid or useless for overlooking one point of data among hundreds.

As I grew into an adult, I got better at performing normal. Nowadays, only those who spend a lot of time around me can spot the signs of my condition: I seem confident, funny, sympathetic, and I make friends easily. As I write this, I can’t help but feel uneasy: it makes me wonder, and not for the first time, how much of my personality is genuine. In high-stress situations, the generic piece of advice is ‘relax and be yourself.’ Succeeding in life as an autistic person means learning not to be yourself, or at least creating a version of yourself that can exist in public — so, where does the real me end, and the performance begin? Are they one and the same? I’ll never know the answer to that question.

Being an autistic adult, then, means pretending I’m not autistic for the benefit of other people. It’s a lifelong, often exhausting performance, and the temptation to retreat into my shell is ever present. But, just like anyone else, I long for human contact, so the compromise is a necessary one.

Blessings & Curses: Redux.

Terry Pratchett wrote that humans need to learn to believe the little lies so they can believe in big ones. There’s something I wish I knew during the bad years; that I was far from the only person suffering from my condition. My parents were stumbling in the dark just like me, except they had to pretend everything was under control.

My dad confided in me, recently, how he used to cry — a lot — during those days when I would return from school after another worst day of my life, talking about footballs thrown at my head, being cornered and verbally abused, or being removed from class after another tantrum. These were practically daily occurrences, and they’ve left their lifelong marks on me, but I’ve never lacked for brilliant people willing to help, people who were alongside me in my suffering. Raising a child is hard, and raising a neurodivergent child is even harder. Can I blame my parents for wanting to believe in blessings, and not curses?

Most of the time, those bad years seem like a distant memory. I don’t see autism as my blessing or my curse; it’s just a part of me — a frustrating, limiting, often embarrassing part of me, but one just as vital as my eye colour or ethnicity. I’ve come to accept it and be content despite it, and I suppose that’s the best outcome I could hope for.

#autism #neurodivergent #mentalwellness

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lilothrowbacks · 3 years

Link

Is the fact that you're performing at the BAFTAs a sign that your acting career is on the rise?

And what about music? Have you been writing anything, or even been in the studio?

The past year has been challenging for absolutely everyone, no matter their circumstances. How has it affected you on a personal and a professional level?

You’ve bravely spoken about struggling with your mental health in the past, and you say now that you did go into a bit of a dark place recently, how have you coped with that?

So, what have you found helpful or supportive during the past year? Have you turned to anything to get you through these dark times?

Like a mental health mate?

That's so important. So, do you almost have a checklist before you go to bed?

I think as long as I make the gym and I've done that bit and I've taken care of my needs, just cooked some nice food. That's mainly it for me, really. And then I feel good about it. And obviously taking care of my son and seeing Bear as well, that's been quite a difficult one. I got a lot better at bedtime FaceTime.

How have you found co-parenting Bear during the pandemic?

Fantastic. I mean, Cheryl is literally the best person to co-parent with. No stress involved. It's very, very relaxed, and we spend a lot of time on FaceTime. And it's been really lovely, and I'm closer to them than I've ever been before, actually, which is really, really nice. But bedtime FaceTime can go really well sometimes. Or I bought him some toys yesterday that I showed them on the FaceTime and it was like I had to go and travel over and hand the toys over the fence!

Moving on to social media, you've obviously got such a massively positive fan base, but how do you cope with the negative side of social media and the impact that can have on your mental health?

You have so much intense public scrutiny on you all the time, how do you navigate keeping something back for yourself, and how have you managed to maintain that sense of privacy over the years?

And you've been famous since the age of 16. How did you manage growing up in that sort of public glare?

What has your career taught you about the idea of success and the idea of failure?

Yes, you do! And what has it taught you about failure?

So you had such high expectations for everything?

And finally, if you could sit down with the Liam who was starting out in One Direction in 2010, what advice would you have for him?

You were the grown up one?

That was it. And it was boring. I should have just larked around and thrown plates out the window and stuff!

More rock and roll?

Well, I mean at the start, and then later on a bit less rock and roll [laughing.]

Well, thank you so much, Liam. And we look forward to seeing your performance on Sunday at the BAFTAs.

I'll see you wherever you want me in your house, I guess.

7.4.2021

#liam payne #glamour magazine uk #articles #070421

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dailyaudiobible · 3 years

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08/03/2021 DAB Transcript

2 Chronicles 33:14-34:33, Romans 16:10-27, Psalm 26:1-12, Proverbs 20:19

Today is the 3rd day of August, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible, I’m Brian, it is always great to be here with you today as we do what we do and take another step forward together through the Scriptures. So, let's dive into that, we’re in the book of 2 Chronicles in the Old Testament, which we will finish up soon. And today, in the New Testament, we will conclude the letter to the Romans. We’re reading from the God's Word Translation this week, 2 Chronicles 33 verse 14 through 34 verse 33.

Commentary:

Okay, so we are definitely reaching the conclusion of 2 Chronicles and we did conclude the letter to the Romans today. One of, if not the crowning jewel from the pen of Paul anyway, where the claims of sin in our life are explained and the fact that Jesus opens up salvation to anyone and everyone who will believe and live into it, whether Jew or Gentile, is unpacked. The fact that we are all reborn into something new that God is doing in this world, in which Jesus was the firstborn, is unpacked. And this puts us all on level, like a level playing field. We are all lucky. We are all fortunate to have this rebirth and we are all equals in Christ, one in Christ. No one’s better than anybody else and no gifting is better than anyone else's, we’re all here with a purpose. These things have been explained and unpacked before our very eyes, as we've read through the book of Romans. And it’s really impossible not to at least look at what Proverbs is telling us today because it's talking about gossip and gossip is such an insidious thing, like it seems like it's not. But people are talking about each other behind each other's backs, like continually as even a part of our cultural norms and yet when have you ever found out that there was gossip going on about you and that ever produced something good in you? When, for that matter, have you ever perpetrate…like have you ever passed around gossip? Get together with some friends have some coffee and then sort of just eat one of your other friends behind their back for lunch just having conversation; what you think this, what you think their thinking what…oh well, I heard this and you just keep going and going. Do you leave a conversation like that is feeling the joy of the Lord in full inside? And even if you could say “yeah, I feel pretty good,” how would the person that you have been gossiping about feel, were they to hear the conversation that just happened. Gossip is…it's just in the dark behind the scenes and it divides, it brings division, it's divisive. The counsel of the Proverb is “do not associate with a person whose mouth is always open, that person goes around telling secrets,” according to the Proverb. And this is pretty straight up right? It's not like it's…we got a sit here and ponder what's really being said, we've all experienced gossiping, we’ve probably all participated in gossip. What kind of time and energy would it free up if we just didn't participate? Even if we took a week off just to test, just see what kind of difference that would make, especially if we’re kind of habitual and that's what we do is gossip. We’ll be incredibly hard pressed to find any mention of gossip in the Scriptures in which it's a good thing and that anything good comes of it. But we see from the council of the Scriptures is that our words matter. They have the power of life and death. And if we’re gonna use them in some sort of dark way, than some sort of dark thing is going to happen. And at minimum, it's worth considering.

Prayer:

And so, Holy Spirit come, come into that. Come into the things that we let fly out of our mouths. The things that have been born in our hearts before they ever were formed into words and communicated. The things that have been swirling around in our minds before we ever send them. We need You in those places before these things are ever forming, before he ever…well, before we ever go around as a gossip and tell secrets, so that we are a person that shouldn't be associated with because our mouth is always open. That’s the council from the Scriptures from the Proverbs today. May that sink into us, may it change us we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it's the website. It’s where we find out what's happening around here and all…all of us be familiar with the Community section of the website or app for that matter, because well, in the Community section, that's where the Prayer Wall is and that is where it lives, and it is always happening. People are praying for one another. People are asking for prayer. And there's always a place to reach out and so definitely check that out in the Community section, the Prayer Wall. There are also links to different social media channels where we’re we are participating in. So, that is also a good thing to know, so check out the Community section on the app or on the website.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, as we move through this year, as of said many, many times, we wouldn’t be moving through the year, or around any Global Campfire if we weren't in this together. So, thank you, thank you for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com or if you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner. Or the mailing address is P.O. Box 1996 Springhill, Tennessee 37174.

And as always if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app which is the little red button up at the top. Or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today, I’m Brian, I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Prayers and Encouragements:

Hi DAB family this is Tammy from the Outerondex. I want to thank everybody for your prayers. I'm smiling again, I still have tears here and there but I’m smiling again and I just want to thank you all for your prayers and your continued prayers. I’m still in remission, praise God. I’m calling because I’m asking for prayers for a special friend. She’s 50 years old and she’s got a lot of mental health issues and she’s a cutter. And she just recently had…my husband and…she lives in across the country and my husband and I have offered for her to move in. She lives, she lives alone, her daughter is grown up, her parents live this side of the country, the East coast. But she just feels very alone. She says that she believes in God but I don’t know if she really knows the relationship you have with God when you become saved. And, she says that she has her, she prays to God and she asks God to forgive her but she just recently, her daughter told her she didn’t want to talk to her anymore and her relationship with her father is strained. I’m running out of time here. She’s a cutter and she cut herself and ended up having to get 19 stiches and, on the outside and two on the inside. And I want to help her and I believe God spoke to me tonight and told me to reach out to all of you. And maybe with all of us praying we could help her and maybe you can help me to help her. So, I love you all I pray for you all and God bless you all and please keep Christie in your prayers. Thank you, bye.

Hi DAB family. This is Praying Momma from SOCAL. And I really need your prayers. I just read my daughters journal and it said that she was suicidal and that she didn’t fear death and she is just going through a lot so I’m just crying out to you all because I know you pray and I believe that God hears my prayers right now. But He’s also hearing us together. I’ve appreciated all of you that have called in and everyone that prays for each other. Very thankful for you all and I’m thankful for you praying with me for my daughter Lauren. Lord, I just lift up Lauren to you right now, it’s 2o’clock in the morning and my heart has just been woken up to pray over her and her mind and her thoughts. In Jesus name, by the power of invested in us in the blood of Jesus, You’ve given us that power to come against any spirit that is just coming against my daughter. And I’m thankful for all of those that are praying with me over her mind, her heart, her spirit, her purpose and that her ability to know you Lord. Open up her mind to you Jesus. And come in and show her how much you love her. Thank you DAB family for praying. Thank you for praying over Lauren. I love her so much Lord and I know that You love her. Thank you.

Just wanted to take this time to, you know reach out to that Lady in regards to her daughter dealing with anorexia. And I just want her to know that you know that I called in the other day to Alberta from Tampa in regards to me, dealing with you know, depression and just had to call in again and you know just let her know that the mind you know, tries to take control of us and I’m learning that you know that the devils a liar and to just keeping having faith. And everyday is a new step and just have faith that you know, mentally your daughters gonna you know get better. Just want to thank you guys for just giving me hope every morning, you know, I feel like, I live double lives right. I work 9-5 very professional, successful individual. But when I get home it’s just like that’s when you know, I just deal with this. And just trying new different things and just having you guys every morning just gives me hope. And you know, I just, I’m a man of God and I just want to thank you guys for giving me hope every morning and Brian just being there and we all doing together as a community as a family. And you know, that individual that called in, the way he prays, the way he was talking in regards to the other day about the individual being charged and just the way how you guys teach me how to pray different and how to just open to God and just have faith. Let’s all just have faith. Hopefully, everything been changed. And I love you guys and I look forward to, just hopefully one day meeting everyone.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible family. I have a prayer request this morning. My daughter-in-law has a niece from a broken family who’s given up on life and tried to commit suicide unsuccessfully. When they revived her she was angry and started screaming that she just wanted to die. It just breaks my heart. My son and his wife have agreed to take her into their home and try to help her. They have a six-year-old little girl and a four-year-old little boy of their own as well. I'm just asking for prayer for them. I know this is a big thing, they're taking on and I just ask God to give them wisdom and guidance and protection. Please pray that their niece thrives in this new environment and accepts them into her life and that everything goes smoothly. Pray for protection over their own children as well. As they open their home to help their niece. I know it will be a rough road ahead. They’re Christians and they attend a church that offers a lot of support. Their niece is coming from a northern Pacific densely populated area to an entirely different rural Midwest dry climate. She's leaving behind a mom and stepdad who have had past drug abuse and a little sister and half-brother, a dad and a stepmom, a boyfriend, grandma, an aunt and an uncle. She's a beautiful young girl who has totally lost the will to live. She needs Jesus and to be surrounded by people who care more about her than themselves to help her find meaning and value in herself. Thank you. Your prayers are coveted.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible family. This is Dr. John in Illinois. I had just heard Susie from Colorado. She has a mission in Haiti and I guess I would move most specifically because she is a missionary somebody that has served, and I don't recall how many years that she said 29 years maybe, but she's weary, she's exhausted. And sometimes it is hard. It's easy to say don't grow weary in well doing, sometimes is hard to limit so I just want to lift up Susie right now and Jesus name Father would You just provide cover for her, provide restoration for her heart. For her spirit, for her flesh, and Lord bless her because of her service and again doing what she is, she's caring and loving and providing for orphans, those that have no others. So, Father I would ask in Jesus name that You would meet that need. Father, because I know that You can. I know that You are able and Father, I lift up this loving heart from St. Louis and she's desperately crying out for her children Lord and all of us that have kids and grandkids know the fear and the desperation when your kids are sick or there are other issues. We do all we can in our power to try to help, but more importantly Lord, we have to depend on You and I guess we should seek You first in all that we do. So, I'm again I'm asking that we pray we seek God for this mother and his father, for this child, and there's a lot like them. So, I ask you Lord, would you do that, would you step in, would you make a way? And Lord we thank you.

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