#because he understands that it's a defensive mechanism he can't control

[abyss-hydra-archived]

That post started as a vague post, but, fortunately, it changed into just a thoughts.

More in the tags.

[cross-my-heartt]

I just want to say I am SO glad they did Crosshair justice in these episodes. I was so afraid they'd do this thing Disney's become famous for of stripping great characters of their personality and making them these washed up, moody and incompetent dead weights that need a plucky protagonist to function and scold them into shape (there's a way to portray depression and recovery in media and it's not that).

But they pulled through!! They let Crosshair keep his resilience, his bite, his hard fought experience, his snark, those little cynical defense mechanisms of his (pushing people away for their own sake), the protectiveness and the fact that this man soldiers on until the mission is done. The way he took control of the situation and told Omega they'd keep going was just brilliant, I couldn't be happier with it.

Even more so because it would be so interesting to see immovable, cool headed Crosshair next to Hunter who's, understandably, become a reckless mess after all that worrying and impatience.

Overall I'm just so happy with what we have so far and I can't wait to see more, especially if they keep Crosshair in the foreground and don't relegate him to being 'side character number three', which doesn't seem to be the case for now. Fingers crossed!

[sageofthestarz]

Dew beats himself up for still wanting to be his emotional and affectionate water ghoul self. “Fire ghouls are stoic and strong, show no weakness.”

He feels like he’s failing at being a fire ghoul every time he lets his emotions get to him even though he genuinely craves more affection.

Him bottling everything up is what causes a lot of his anger outbursts, he doesn't know how to control his emotions anymore. Everything is different, and too much, and he's in constant pain for months during the healing process. Everything is too new and too much at once.

He’s aware he’s an asshole to a lot of people, and not just the sarcastic asshole when he's playing around, the true insults and fights.

It's a defense mechanism he can't help but do. He doesn’t want to be, and feels guilty about it after, he has a very hard time regulating his emotions and he's trying very hard to get better with it.

Since the ritual he hasn’t been able to express his emotions without feeling like he’s doing badly so it’s a constant cycle of bottling up everything and having outbursts that he then beats himself up over later. Because of that he feels like he doesn’t really deserve the kindness the others give him.

He tries to push them away and distance himself but always ends up going back. His pack is there for him, loves him. Tries their best to understand him.

They love him dearly so even with all his outbursts, and issues. They stay and care for him. Help in any way they can.

Aether helps with pain management in the first few months especially. When Dews too weak, too fragile a state to do much on his own.

Rain and him became friends unexpectedly. Aether bringing him in to see if his water could help quench the burning flames of Dews skin, it works.

They end up spending a lot of time together, they talk when Dew can manage, learning everything they can about each other during their sessions.

It goes from doctors ordered forced hangouts to Rain spending nights with him, bringing his laptop to the infirmary and they spend countless nights watching movies, TV, Dew watches Rain play games sometimes even.

Once Dew is healed enough to want physical touch, affection, love, Rains there. Surprised the first time Dew leans against him, head rested on his shoulder, but he's so happy and pleased.

They spend the night watching a TV marathon of some show with an obnoxious amount of seasons and episodes, Dew falling asleep halfway through cuddled up into Rains chest. How he got there Rain isn't sure- but he's more then pleased.

They wake the next morning tangled in each other's arms, Dew whining when Rain tries to untangle them, not wanting Dew to be uncomfortable. Thinking maybe he didn't actually want this.

Dew only cracks his eyes open and weakly pulls Rain back towards him, nuzzling into his chest with a small "stay..?" from his lips

Who's Rain to say no to that.

[002yb]

Dick and Jason have a STRONG brother-complex when it comes to each other. Canonically speaking, both "pairs" of brothers are about seven years apart. Dick is around seven years older than Jason, Tim is about seven years older than Damian. But. All things considered Tim and Damian have a pretty healthy (as healthy as it can get with protective Bats and uh, the whole "I tried to kill you" thing) brother relationship. In fact, Bruce, Cassie, anyone who knows them well enough, including themselves, consider their relationship the ideal type of relationship two Bat-bros can have.

Dick and Jason? They have never been normal about each other. Not once in their lives. The way they fight with each other is as though they cannot STAND the idea of the other being alive but they also can't stand the idea of anyone else fighting the other the way they fight each other. These two could say the absolute most heinous shit to each other, stuff other people would be TERRIFIED to ever even bring up to one of them. And afterwards? They act like that shit never happened. They could've just beat each other the fuck up and they'll just shrug it off and go get some lunch or something. No fucks given for what anyone else has to say.

Except, everyone else around them DOES have shit to say. And its along the lines of "You two are stupidly toxic to one another, stop interacting for a while and get your shit together". Its an intervention. But no. Anyone says this to either of them they are immediately defensive to the max. Like who tf are you to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with MY brother???

Let's make this wholesomely toxic. Where Dick and Jason's relationship appears volatile and abusive to outsiders, but for them it's nothing so cruel despite all the cruelties that get woven into all their interactions.

For them, their relationship is safe. Healthy? No, but that's not the point. Dick and Jason are controlled dangers to one another; a reprieve from bluster and bravado and professionalism, from too-close calls and the frustrations of not making a damn difference despite the effort made. Others might not understand, but they don't need to. Dick and Jason provide stability; they're a safety net, a lighthouse, a punching bag. Whatever is needed.

The both of them respond well to violence: both with taking it and doling it out, though if Jason is honest - one of them might like taking it a bit more; one of them might like throwing down a bit more, too.

That besides, Jason provokes fights when he needs to. Both for himself but also for Dick because Dick has appearances to keep up; the burden of expectations, golden boy that he is. He makes up for it by making himself available when Jason needs him though. It's a fair trade off.

Jason notices that Dick is teetering on that tightrope he walks, overburdened and overlooked - not so much buckling beneath the strain of the world's problems thrust upon him as he is flighty because with their line of work? It's easy to get discouraged and frustrated and angry because of disappointment and perceived failure because nothing changes.

And Jason? He's always been sensitive to the small tells - a defensive mechanism from childhood that never left him. So he notices that Dick isn't himself. He also notices that no one is helping him.

While that's not necessarily anyone's fault because Dick is notoriously (to Jason) controlled, it's sad. Dick is a showman at heart and he knows how to fool the people he wants to fool, but there should be someone else that notices besides Jason.

But there isn't, so Jason steps up.

Picking a fight just so that Dick can get angry and let go of some of that rage he clings to so tightly. Giving Dick something to be violent with and someone to direct all that wrath towards. And it's fine because Jason can take it. Jason takes it greedily, almost.

Because it's a sight to see Dick lose control and get angry and violent. It's something Jason taunts Dick about to rile him further, making jabs at how Dick is a golden boy tarnished ('better tarnished than buried,' Dick retorts and Jason barks out a laugh at the biting savagery in the quip, snarling with a busted lip and bloody teeth. Jason learns that he likes when Dick gets mean - he thinks he might have always, to be honest).

Jason can take a beating. He can take as much as Dick wants to give and then some. And Jason knows it's twisted, but it gets his heart racing: the fight, the thrill, the challenge and struggle, a back and forth that ends with bruised jaws and bared teeth and heaving chests regardless of who started what or who needed it.

It's just them with lifted chins and mean smiles at scathing words of accusation and degradation and it never fails that Jason feels electric afterwards, especially when he can see how he made Dick work for it - beating Jason's ass (and in a similar vein, with how Jason is the reason the tension in Dick's shoulders is less; how Jason is the reason behind how Dick looks warm and wild and wonderful after fighting tooth and nail).

[laughhardrunfastbekindsblog]

A question of loyalty: an analysis of two perspectives in season 1

The past few years, I have loved rewatching season 1 with the context of the finale, because it has been so interesting to really see things from Crosshair's perspective.

Our first hint that maybe Crosshair's motives aren't what we first thought:

Hunter's (and our) perspectives on the issue are further challenged:

And then we reach the ultimate accusation:

So, let's take a look at both sides.

POINT #1: "Crosshair was the one who kept attacking the squad! How could he POSSIBLY accuse the squad of betraying him??"

COUNTERPOINT: Because from his perspective, they had. We as the audience know the whole plan was for the squad to get Crosshair back after they escaped the brig on Kamino - in fact, Hunter was prepping to go back for Crosshair at the same time Crosshair was coming for them - but Crosshair doesn't know that. He had been arguing with his squad ever since Order 66, trying to get them to understand how important it was for them to follow orders, and they had yet another disagreement right before he was singled out. His inhibitor chip gets intensified, he gets sent after his brothers (as if Tarkin needed to do anything else to thoroughly disgust me...), and he finds them in the hangar prepping the Marauder to leave. (Just to reiterate: from Crosshair's perspective, he had recently been arguing with his brothers, and now he finds them readying to leave.) Hunter never tells him that they were coming back for him; instead, they engage in some back-and-forth about surrendering and following orders before the shooting begins.

Having left him on that note, it would be all too easy for Crosshair to work himself up over the perceived abandonment - especially if he started feeling any sort of regret over his actions toward his squad (finding a way to blame the other party is, after all, a common defense mechanism).

And every time they cross paths thereafter, instead of his brothers apologizing or listening or trying to come with him, they keep running away from him after arguing with him about how he's being controlled and forced to obey orders. I can't help but imagine that any mention of "programming" only served to stoke Crosshair's ornery side: he and his squad are "superior," after all; he can't be controlled, he is being a good soldier and following orders because HE chose to, not because of some stupid chip. (Cue Crosshair claiming it "doesn't matter" when he got his chip removed: his ideology remains the same, thank you very much.)

And so, from Crosshair's standpoint: his brothers abandoned him, they won't even talk to him except to try to convince him he's wrong about everything, and they're ruining any chance they have of finding "purpose" by remaining soldiers and serving the Empire.

POINT #2: "Hunter and the others didn't try hard enough to get Crosshair back - actually, they didn't try at all."

COUNTERPOINT: I think we overestimate just how much time passed between the Batch escaping Kamino and the events on Bracca (unless the squad was just hanging around in open space for weeks at a time, which I doubt). Consider how quickly events occur in the first eight episodes:

The squad narrowly escapes Kamino

They try to lay low at Cut and Suu's, but that lasts maybe two days before they are on the run again

The Marauder crashes

It's necessary to find a way to scramble the ship's signature, so they have to make a quick landing on Pantora

Enter Fennec

Well, now they have to find out why a bounty hunter is after Omega

Enter Cid

Cid pretty much immediately starts blackmailing them

They have to do another job for Cid - we don't know exactly how much time passed, but Cid doesn't seem to be one to wait to order the Bad Batch around, especially as this next job reasserts her claim on them.

Rex reappears - we don't know exactly how much time passed here, either, but I would guess Rex sought them out as soon as he was tipped off about them.

(Lest anyone think Tech must have just given up on the chip scanner after the Marauder crashed, remember that he needed comparative data in order to properly use the scanner. I can only imagine how much it must have eaten at Tech to not have any way of finding a source with the necessary data to complete the scanner - especially considering everything else going on - until Rex miraculously showed up.)

So, until reuniting on Bracca, there is precious little time or opportunity for the squad to formulate a plan to get Crosshair back... And then Bracca happens. Here, they are confronted by Crosshair, who responds to genuine pleas to reconsider his stance by hitting them where it hurts: "Aim for the kid." Crosshair then sets things up to literally incinerate them, and they barely make it out alive before being attacked by Cad Bane.

Now, they had seen what the chip had done to Wrecker, true; but Wrecker had previously acknowledged that he understood the chip existed and was willing to have it removed, AND it was squad+Rex against Wrecker (and even then they barely managed to subdue him). Crosshair refused to acknowledge even the possibility of a chip influencing his actions, obviously wasn't willing to have it removed at that point, had never shown any inclination of wanting to rejoin them, and squad against Crosshair+vast Imperial resources would have been suicide - ESPECIALLY since Crosshair proves time and again that he can predict their moves. There's no way around that.

So what does the squad decide to do? They run. They can't take Crosshair with them, but they aren't going to try to kill him either.

Crosshair remains too well protected for the squad to go after him, but we can see on Hunter's face as the squad leaves Ryloth after peripherally tangling with Crosshair that the situation REALLY doesn't sit well with Hunter.

And yet... WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO?

So, from Hunter+squad's perspective: as far as they are aware, Crosshair is refusing all offers of help, and trying to go after Crosshair would be suicide. Crosshair can't be rescued if the squad is all dead.

An impasse, then.

ANOTHER FACTOR TO CONSIDER:

But the accusation of disloyalty goes far beyond Crosshair believing the squad left him behind; he sees disloyalty in the fact that they apparently don't share the same views. It's not just a conversation about why/how Crosshair was left behind; it's also an argument over ideology, as Hunter tries to point out the Empire's flaws while Crosshair is determined to remain a soldier with the one purpose he has always known.

And then we reach the climactic revelation: Hunter is trying to convince Crosshair that maybe his views are being controlled by the chip - only for Crosshair to tell Hunter he already knows about it and the chip is gone, AND he won't even tell Hunter when it happened. We can make educated guesses as to when Crosshair's chip was removed, but Hunter has been spending all this time trying to keep everyone else on the squad safe from a fellow brother who is being controlled by an inhibitor chip... only to find out that maybe Crosshair was acting of his own volition for who knows how long. This, I believe, is the point where Hunter started to consider Crosshair as having actually betrayed the Batch.

And no matter when the chip was removed, Crosshair is still convinced that the Empire is the right side, and believes that anyone who won't join the Empire is against him.

So, before the confrontation on Kamino: Crosshair is convinced the squad has abandoned him. Hunter and the squad can't feasibly do anything about it.

During the confrontation on Kamino, we learn that unless the squad is willing to join Crosshair and the Empire, he's going to continue to believe they have disowned him. And the squad will not join the Empire, much as they love Crosshair.

CONCLUSION: Crosshair's and Hunter's perspectives are both equally valid, especially based on what they know and later learn of the other's stance. Hunter rightly points out that wanting different things doesn't mean they have to be enemies; but as long as the rest of the squad members aren't willing to support tyranny enforce order, Crosshair will consider them disloyal to him, since they are opposed to the views he stands by, the views that - at that moment - define him. It will take other perspectives, outside the squad, to shift Crosshair's views (but that's the topic of another essay 😉). In the meantime, having finally had the chance to hear the other's side - even if they don't agree - Crosshair and the Bad Batch separate on at least marginally civil - if strained - terms... Though both still consider the other to be guilty of betraying the ideals of Clone Force 99.

[sam24seven]

Akashi. A very interesting and complex character from knb. This is my personal take on why I kin him. Feel free to add anything you'd like or tell me what you think, any and all feedback is welcome. Also my first language isn't English so sorry in advance for any mistakes I made.

So. Why do I relate to Akashi you ask? Well this one is a long one but I already talked to a lot of people about his character so I think I'll be pretty good at giving a summary about this.

Akashi is a character from the anime kuroko's basketball, he's introduced to us as the antagonist at first, as a crazy, sadistic perfectionist and a controlling person. As the show progresses, we find out he has DID, dissociative identity disorder which means his more "evil" personality (bokushi) is another part of his personality that gets out when he feels scared or threatened, a defense mechanism he developed to deal with the pressure he faced.

Akashi had a pretty hard childhood, with his dad being a strict father and a workaholic that demanded perfection from him, and his mother, the only person he felt loved and comfortable with after all of the things his dad made him face, dying (or disappearing, I don't think it has been confirmed) when he was around 9.

A feeling that was present a lot in his childhood was pressure, and therefore, a paralyzing, vital, overwhelming need to escape. Pressure to be perfect, pressure to live up to his name, pressure to be strong, to not make any mistakes, to not show any weaknesses, to not have any weaknesses, it's not that you can't show your vulnerability it's that you can't have vulnerability. You can't be human, you can't be flawed, you can't try you can only succeed flawlessly while looking like you didn't even try. Which is why akashi could never love himself, he was taught he should be perfect, that he's more then that, more then other people, more then himself, more then a human. Every time he finished a workload he needed to do, his father gave him twice the amount he did, because it was never about getting the mission accomplished, it was about making akashi the perfect robot, the perfect tool, the perfect son, the perfect soldier.

Something that standed out to me that akashi said once, and that I think summarizes perfectly why I relate to him so much, is him comparing winning to breathing. Now, it might look like what he was trying to say is that, like breathing, winning comes naturally to him, which is probably what he means to say, but the thing is breathing is not only something that you do naturally but something that you have to do to live. It's vital, and without it, you can't survive.

Akashi sees winning like breathing, something he has to do to live, like those cringy shirts that say "eat, sleep, watch anime, repeat" just that instead of watching anime it's winning because in his mind he must win. He needs to win. He has to.

In the battle against seirin, while akashi perhaps didn't want to lose, he needed to. And I think deep down in his original personality, he knew that he needed to feel what it's like to lose, to truly understand that winning is just a thing, and he doesn't have to do it to be worth something or survive. He can fail, and he'll still be there. He's human. He needed to fail so that loss will wake him up from the trance he was in. for Akashi, winning and being the best isn't just about success, it's a fundamental part of his identity and existence, something he feels he must do to justify his worth and existence. The loss serves as a turning point for Akashi, allowing him to realize that failure doesn't mean the end of his identity or worth. It helps him begin to connect with his other self again, and accept that he doesn't need to be perfect to have value.

Another thing that important to mention is that the reason akashi's second personality is sadistic, mean, a bad person and all those other things, is because he feels like he's not enough of those things. Which is what I think a lot of the fandom gets wrong sometimes because the reason he has this personality in the first place is to protect himself from having to be those things all the time when he couldn't take it. He's not this strong, uncaring, cold, dominant person, he's scared and alone and feels like he has to be those things but he's can't. And that's where bokushi comes in. He's everything that akashi want to be but can't, sure they're similar in a lot of things because akashi himself is a smart and capable person, but the reason bokushi exist in the first place it to be all the things akashi had to be but couldn't.

I didn't exactly say what about him makes me relate to him because it's everything, this feeling that if you're not perfect, if you don't win in everything, it's not that you're worthless but you just can't comprehend it. It's not scary it's terrifying. it's chilling, incomprehensible, paralyzing. I relate to this feeling of acting like you're mean and perfect and can do everything and nothing bothers you, but you still want to run and hide and just have this perfect self that doesn't feel pain or guilt or love. He's a scared, pathetic, wear person, and he hides behind his other self because he's so terrified of the idea of not being what he needs to be. This is why I relate to him.

I have a lot more to say about this character and about so many others, so if you want me to write anything else I'll be glad to, just leave a request for me!

[hasu-ko]

belladonna of sadness

Content: hotch x reader, unrequited love, pure angst, like pure pure angst, no happy ending, rossi being the greatest father figure you ever had, 3k.

A/N: Bruh, I'm so into Hotch these days that I've decided to write a fic about him after being on hiatus for almost 3 years. I just had to get these feelings out of my system. You people don't understand the intensity of my feels rn. I considered ending it on a happier note but then I decided that the angst is just so much better. Yes, my mother Stevie Nicks just had to be in this one.

"I'm leaving BAU, Dave," you finally breathed out the words that had been gnawing at the smooth walls of your stomach for what felt like an eternity.

It was a windy Friday night, and everyone from the team had already left after a particularly tiring case. Their thoughts were heavy, and their bodies yearned for rest and relaxation. You, on the other hand, dreaded going home, knowing that nothing but a cold bed awaited you there. It was a feeling that had haunted you for the past few years.

So, you did what you do best and immersed yourself in your work, catching up with everyone's paperwork and going through potential case files. Rossi decided to help you despite your stern protests.

The older agent's head snapped in your direction, utter confusion written all over his face.

"Why?" was all that he could muster.

"They offered me a teaching position at Cambridge. Maybe you don't know this, but I've always wanted a career in academia," you tapped your pen against the case file spread out in front of you as a lie passed your lips ever so nonchalantly.

"Don't even bother with petty lies, kiddo. It's because of him, isn't it?" Rossi sighed and ran his fingers through his colored hair.

You bit your lip anxiously, finally dropping all of your defense mechanisms. Despair that had been lightly simmering within you started boiling, burning your insides in a way that you had almost grown accustomed to over the past few months.

You let out a choked "yes," and all of a sudden, violent shakes overtook your tired body. All of the emotions that had been bottled up for ten years spilled out and wrecked every fine fiber of your being. You didn't know why you chose to tell Rossi everything that night. Maybe because he was the closest thing you ever had to a father, or maybe because you secretly hoped that he would make everything all right, like he always did.

"I just can't stand seeing him so damn happy with her, Dave. I know how selfish that sounds, but I've been nothing but selfless all these years. I've been there for him when he lost Haley. I've done everything I could to help him heal from that tremendous wound, and yet he still chose Beth. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything, Dave, but I'm just tired. He chose that stranger over me," you broke down completely, sobbing uncontrollably.

Rossi said nothing. For the first time in his life, he was rendered speechless. He knew you liked Hotch, but he never thought it was this deep and serious.

Now that the dam holding your emotions was shattered to dust particles, you continued.

"It hurts to be in the same room with him, David. It hurts so damn much. That man has brought so much pain and misery into my life, but I still love him as much as I did on the day that I first met him. It was easier when he was with Haley. I never had any hopes, but when she died, I thought..." you let out a bitter laugh, unable to finish that thought.

"You must think I'm an awful person."

Rossi just shook his head gently.

"Darling, you're just a human being."

"What is wrong with me, Dave? Why didn't he choose me?" you lifted your knees to your chest and buried your face in them.

Rossi stood up and wrapped his arms around your quivering form. You looked like a little child, so small and vulnerable. He wanted to scoop you up, kiss your forehead, and make things right, but he knew he couldn't. This was out of his control.

"Nothing is wrong with you, sweetheart. He just can't control whom he falls in love with. These things happen. You could be the most beautiful, the most brilliant, the most wonderful person in the world, which you are, but even that is not enough when it comes to love," he whispered in your ear.

"You know, I always tell people my job is the reason why I never got married, but the truth is, I love Aaron too much. The thought of loving another man twisted my insides in a way that no case could ever. I was so hopelessly loyal to him all these years, Dave. I wasted my life dreaming that one day he would love me back," you hurried to spill those words from your mouth, scared that your vocal cords would betray you before you could confess your deepest secret to someone.

For some strange reason, you looked for pity that night. You were so miserable by that point, and you just wanted someone to acknowledge your misery. People always sought the validation of their pain. They wanted to make sure that their problems were real, that they were not overreacting or imagining things, thinking that compassion and pity would do them some good. They never did.

Rossi took your head in his hands and forced you to look at him.

"We love to be in control; we love to think that our actions will somehow affect the outcome of our lives, but oh, how wrong are we. Sure, you can control certain aspects of your life, such as your career or hobbies, or any other man-made field, but we are helpless when it comes to things that matter. Maybe that is why we value love and friendship so much; because we can't choose who we fall in love with or which people we meet. All of those things happen naturally; one day you just wake up and realize that you've become best friends with someone without being able to pinpoint the exact moment in which the strong bond was created. Perhaps there is someone somewhere on this planet who could understand you better and love you better, but you will never meet them because you were not destined to meet them. Your love for him matters. Don't think that it was all for nothing because you did help him. You helped him a lot," he spoke slowly.

"The pain is unbearable, Rossi," you muttered lowly, tears finally ceasing.

"Until one day it gets bearable, and then it gets lighter, and then it turns into a shadow, and one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore. You need time to heal. You need to do everything you can to help that process, even if it means moving halfway across the world," he got up and poured himself a glass of whiskey, visibly shaken by your sudden confession.

"Thank you. I appreciate everything you did for me," you stood up, legs still shaking.

"You are welcome. I'm always here for you," he smiled a pained smile.

"Actually, I have a favor, or two to ask."

"Anything."

"Promise me you won't tell him or anyone else on the team what you heard tonight in this room. Ever," you stared at him firmly with your puffy eyes filled with pure determination.

"I promise," Rossi didn't hesitate for even a second.

"Also, can you please host one last party for me? I'm leaving on Monday. Everything has already been settled with the higher-ups, so Aaron won't bother with that. I just want to see you all for one last time," you genuinely smiled at him.

"I'll make sure to gather them all on Sunday evening."

"Thank you, Dave," you walked up to him and kissed his cheek.

Before he could reply, you were already at the door.

~

You watched the people you considered your family lounging carelessly in Rossi's living room from your spot on the kitchen counter and hummed lightly along the tune of "Summer Wine" that played softly in the background. The chain of anxiety and guilt that wrapped itself around your lungs constricted just a little bit tighter at the mere thought of the task ahead of you.

They all looked so happy, and that made you doubt your decision, but one look at the man responsible for your current state reminded you that you had to do it.

Garcia laughed at something Morgan said, and you couldn't fight back a smile of your own.

"Better sooner than later," you heard Dave's whisper as he closed the wine cabinet after finding what he was looking for.

"I'm not telling them, David. I don't have it in me to watch their hearts get broken," you sighed softly, tracing soft patterns on a cool glass filled with orange juice.

"I know it's not my decision to make, but" Rossi started, but you quickly interrupted him by pushing yourself off the counter and walking toward the grand piano next to a huge window.

You smiled fondly at all of the memories created in that very spot. Ever since Dave returned to the team, you had a habit of dining at his place at least once a month. That's how the team found out about your affinity toward music. Playing for them brought you joy you hadn't felt since you played at your mother's parties.

You ran a finger down the keys, and as if on cue, they all gathered around you. The ability to bring happiness into your team's difficult lives kept you going for years. Now, it just wasn't enough.

Morgan and Garcia sat on a small sofa close to the grand piano. Emily, JJ, and Reid leaned against the kitchen island with drinks in their hands. Rossi stood behind you with worry written all over his features. He didn't even hide it anymore. Hotch must have picked it up as he furrowed his eyebrows, watching both of you from his spot in the living room.

Sitting down with a heavy sigh, you spoke.

"You know, it occurred to me that I never played you guys my favorite song. I was saving it for a special occasion, but what the hell."

As soon as those words left your lips, an interlude for "Has Anyone Ever Written Anything for You" started playing.

This song was a central piece of your most grandiose dream - marrying Hotch. You imagined playing it for the guests at your reception. As your fingers gracefully glided across the piano keys, the music filled the air with a sweet melody that resonated with the emotions of the day. Hotch's steps were gentle and deliberate as he approached you, a smile on his face, and love in his eyes. You, lost in the music and the joy of the occasion, were momentarily unaware of his presence. As he wrapped his arms around you, you felt his warmth and presence, and your heart skipped a beat. Your embrace was a symbol of your unity, your journey together, and the promise of a lifetime of happiness.

You squeezed your eyes shut as tears threatened to spill at any moment.

Has anyone ever written anything for you?

In all your darkest hours,

Have you ever heard me sing?

The pain in your chest multiplied by a thousand and stood as a stark reminder of the deep connection between mind and body. It was a physical manifestation of the emotional damage you had endured for too many years, a silent cry for help that demanded acknowledgment and healing. Your voice cracked. Ignoring it, you opened your eyes, which immediately found him, and carried on.

Listen to me now

You know I'd rather be alone

Than be without you

Don't you know?

No matter how painful his gaze filled with pity and fatherly compassion was, you didn't stop. Tears blurred your vision, but you knew you had to do it. This was the only way. The right way.

Has anyone ever given anything to you?

In your darkest hour

Did you ever give it back?

Well, I have

I have given that to you

If it's all I ever do

This is your song

A pair of hands wrapped around your shoulders in the gentlest of manners, and you felt Emily's ragged breath on top of your head. You leaned back against her warm and protective chest.

And the rain comes down

There's no pain and there's no doubt

It was easy to say, I believed in you every day

If not for me, then do it for the world

But there was pain, and it filled the whole house. It seized the hearts of your teammates as well. Garcia's loud sob managed to reach your ears even through the music. You didn't look at her. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't tear your eyes away from a single tear that traveled down Hotch's beautiful face.

You managed to rasp out the final words.

So if not for me, then do it for yourself

If not for me, then do it for the world

Suddenly, the air in the living room became incredibly heavy, suffocating you to the point where you thought your whole body would snap in two. Before anyone could react, you jumped out of Emily's arms and ran toward the door that led to the backyard.

Crisp October air filled your cramped lungs instantly, and you allowed yourself to breathe. Goosebumps formed under the long, flowy chiffon sleeves of your dress of choice for that night, and you couldn't tell if it was from the cold breeze or the whirlwind of emotions wreaking havoc inside of you. Your gaze climbed up and steadied itself on the full moon stuck to the heavens above. The moon had been your best friend for such a long time, and you pitied her for having to listen to your hushed secrets and anguished cries. The tears had dried along the way, and you looked at her with wide and watery eyes. You wanted nothing more than to climb up there, hide yourself in whatever hole she offered you, and wither away.

A presence next to you disturbed you from your train of thought, and soon after, Hotch's scent empowered every one of your senses.

"Beautiful. Isn't she?" you broke the silence, your tone of voice back to normal.

"Yes. I haven't looked up at the sky in such a long time," he crossed his arms over his chest.

You hummed mostly to yourself as you took another step toward the edge of Rossi's porch.

"How is Jack doing? With so much work at our hands, I haven't been able to visit him in what feels like months," you placed your elbows on the wooden fence in front, leaning at the same time in a desperate attempt to create more space between the two of you.

"Good. Great, actually. He's been asking about you, wondering why you don't stop at ours as much as you used to. I've been asking myself the same question for quite a while," he didn't miss a beat and mimicked your movements, letting his forearm brush against yours in the process.

In an instant, the ache soared in your chest again, and you let out a strangled breath.

"How is Beth doing? Jack seems to be in love with her as much as you are," choosing to ignore his remark, you shook an invisible knife penetrating your very soul, driven by a masochistic urge to wound it even deeper.

"I was planning on dropping by her place after the dinner. We haven't seen..." before he could finish, he was cut off by your shrill voice. You just couldn't take it.

"Stop it. I can't take it anymore, Hotch. I'll die if you finish that sentence," you haven't realized that teardrops started painting your face again.

"Darling, please. Don't do this," came in the form of a hoarse croak.

"No, Aaron, you broke my heart, you broke my entire life. You are the one who practically raised me long before Rossi came along. I built my life around you. Look at me, Aaron," you sobbed while turning to face him.

"I'm a pale shadow of a woman that I once was. Look at my face, look at these lines between my brows. Look at this hair falling out. Look how old my hands look, my skin almost see-through, frail."

He said nothing and just looked at you through his tears.

"You want to know the worst part of it all? You are so worth it, my love. You are so worth it. I would choose this life with you amongst all of the happier versions without you in it. I would go through all of this immeasurable pain over and over and over again just to see you smile that rare smile of yours that sends me into rapture. I would choose you even if you don't choose me. Always and for as long as I live," you poured your heart in front of him, watching him for what you knew would be the last time, trying to memorize every feature of his handsome face.

"I'm so sorry, I truly am," he finally wrapped his limp hands around your smaller form.

He couldn't help but notice how perfectly your body was snug against his, how warm you were, and how you smelled like oranges and vanilla.

"It is okay, baby. There is nothing to be sorry about; it's not your fault. You can't choose whom you fall in love with," you repeated Rossi's words in his white shirt, forever ruining it with whatever makeup was left on your face.

His grip around your shoulders tightened as if he was trying to push you into his ribcage in a desperate attempt to get even closer to you. Hotch's hot tears trickled down your neck and ended up being soaked into the fabric of your dress. You finally relaxed in his warm embrace, all of the intense feelings making you slump against him.

"I'm so sorry that I can't give you what you deserve," he whispered against your ear and proceeded to kiss your temple.

At that moment, something just snapped inside you, as if someone cut the electric wiring in the middle of a rave party. Darkness painted your insides and numbness finally settled in.

You pulled away from him and cupped his face in your small hands.

"Here's what we're gonna do, Hotch. You and I will wipe away these tears. Then we will go inside, and we will pretend that this never happened, just like you pretended that my feelings never existed for the past 10 years. We are going to play and sing and laugh with our friends. Then we will come into the office tomorrow, and JJ will brief us on our latest case, and life will go on," your voice was utterly devoid of any emotion as you lied to him in the most blatant and shameless way and wiped his face with the fabric of your sleeve.

The dullness of your eyes frightened Hotch more than anything he had ever seen in his life, but before he could respond, you started dragging him back inside with a fake smile plastered on your face.

"Let's go back inside, my love. Tomorrow is a new day."

[shuttershocky]

Hey shutters, how do you beat SL-3-CM without Mlynar and bikini Ch'en ? (I don't have both)

Idk if this is supposed to be this hard, not sure how I could beat SL-S-5 later

Forgive the diagram for being crude, I'm on my phone.

Before we begin, a reminder that the event mechanic is that enemies in pink clouds take less damage while your units take more damage, while white clouds are in reverse. This means that white clouds allow your operators to tank more damage than they should. This is the key to understanding how to tank the extreme damage in the SL-S stages and why some may have found EX-7 to be so hard: if you don't play with white clouds defensively, only Nightingale can save you from the beating you'll be taking.

While KyostinV's semi-AFK strat for SL-3-CM does use Mlynar, the theory behind it is very solid and is fairly easy to replicate with different operators (I've tried with replacements and alternate ideas). The critical elements are seen here:

The red arrows are your lane DPS units. They're expected to defend against the majority of the units in the stage, as well as deal DPS to the boss. You want consistent and strong ranged damage here, meaning Thorns is king, but any two characters with strong and consistent ranged damage (that can hit flying units, as the boss is flying) should be able to pull this off as long as they have white clouds set underneath them. While the video uses Thorns + Goldenglow, I actually recommend Thorns + Lappland, since Lappland is tougher and can take a hit if enemies in the lane reach her, but pretty much anyone you want is fair game if they can hit flying enemies.

The green tile is the sidelane tank. Place a juggernaut here. Mudrock is used in the video, I tried this with Penance and it still works, so will Vulcan, but you would have to pay attention to her skill timings to heal her properly. If you don't have a tank for this, extra slows and stuns + AOE burst damage in the middle lane for when they try to cross to the other side will be vital.

Now the purple tile is where Mlynar sits, and the reason why it's Mlynar isn't actually for his burst damage (although he does deal a lot of damage): it's also for his taunt. You want Dolly's line attack to strike Mlynar because he's out of everyone else's way and is protected by the geyser, meaning his tile won't become a pink cloud. Dolly using the line attack on the middle lane is an utter disaster as it will make the enemies in the middle hard to kill while turning the tiles your left middle lane DPS unit is standing on into a pink tile. Without Dolly being distracted, you'll be breaking bottles off-cooldown trying to control the clouds in the middle, fighting a losing battle against Dolly's line attack and all the sheep dying to fart pink clouds.

If you don't have Mlynar, you can deploy another DPS unit in that tile, but you will have to alter the deployment order and put them down last (so they always have Dolly's aggro). So long as a Wandering Medic keeps them from exploding from fire elemental damage, you should be okay without Mlynar.

All other team slots must be used in service of these three core ideas. Add in slows, heals, extra DPS, whatever will get your core team over the finish line. There's one last geyser to the right of the stage you can make use of to get extra damage on Dolly's shield.

If you still need more help, just send a picture of your squad and I'll see if I can make something custom for you. We only have 2 days left though so I can't guarantee it, but I'll try my best.

[tyrannuspitch]

i understand that not everyone knows this, but i would really like the loki fandom to be a little more aware that psychiatry is institutionally biased against people with npd, and this bias is particularly magnified in social media and pop psych for sensationalist, commercial reasons. even the npd diagnostic criteria are Not Great (especially the short version - there is an expanded version!), and even if they were perfect, the understanding of the disorder you get just by reading a checklist is not a whole, rounded picture.

npd is (at least very, very often) a trauma disorder. people with npd having very low self-worth and self-destructive tendencies is incredibly common. npd is not "abuser disorder" or "evil disorder", it's just another mental illness, and honestly, any disorder can be framed in a demonising way if you try. (depressed people are scary because they're obsessed with death! adhd people are scary because they have no control of their emotions or impulses! etc.) i have yet to see a "debunking" of loki being "a narcissist" that gets past this popular, biased surface level.

here and here are two posts explaining how stigma can distort common descriptions of npd symptoms, and here is an unofficial suggested revision of the npd diagnostic criteria written by someone with the disorder to focus on the patient's experiences, and not on how others view them.

loki cannot "too good" to have npd, because having npd does not make you a bad person. reading loki as having npd is not inherently demonising or victim-blaming. and if a specific person's npd loki reading really is doing that, then the fundamental problem is not that they're biased against loki, a fictional character - it's that they're biased against a very vulnerable, stigmatised and real group of mentally ill people.

now that we've dealt with all that - DOES loki have npd?

personally, i go back and forth on whether i think he fully qualifies for the disorder, but as i interpret him, he absolutely does show many traits of npd, such as the following:

perfectionism and fluctuating, fragile self-esteem. he has to be best, because if he isn't the best that would mean he's the absolute worst, worthless, monstrous, unlovable, etc. even when he is succeeding in his goals then maybe he's somehow the best and the worst at once, and almost anything could bring him crashing down again.

constant comparison of himself to others, leading to insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, paranoia...

basing his feelings of safety/security on his connections to people he sees as powerful and/or admirable, and basing his self-esteem on their approval, to the point where he becomes dependent or defines himself by them.

desperately, sometimes destructively, acting out for attention - whether showing off (begging for approval) or picking fights (demanding it.)

experiencing loneliness, shame and guilt easily and extremely intensely, making him hypersensitive to criticism and the possibility of rejection or abandonment - which can provoke a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response.

defensive/paranoid distortion in his analysis of others' feelings - focusing intently on what they think of him (do you love me, hate me, want to hurt me?) while less aware of their own feelings (eg, he can be fairly insensitive to thor's own capacity to be hurt). (in loki, as in many real people, this seems to have originated as a defence mechanism against being manipulated, and from having to walk on eggshells in a toxic family where *everyone* has more social power than him.)

a deep-rooted fear of being manipulated or controlled, which leads to a very strong need to feel in control of himself.

a deep-rooted fear of emotional vulnerability which makes him very reluctant to express his emotions, and when he does, it's often either a calculated tactical decision (so he can tell himself he's still in control), or the result of an emotional breakdown because he just can't keep up the mask any longer.

a paranoid view of the world in which everyone always wants to control him, and controlling power imbalances are an inherent feature of all relationships ("freedom is life's great lie"...), leading him to try to "defensively" manipulate and control others. (this is the ugliest symptom on this list, but it's also arguably the least textbook npd - something this literal and pronounced might be better characterised as ptsd's "distorted understanding of own trauma"/"change of fundamental beliefs" symptoms.)

obviously everyone has a right to their own reading and headcanon, and of course you can reject any reading at all based on simply Not Vibing with it. this isn't the Mandatory NPD Loki post, just me trying to encourage you to consider the possibility. there's a lot here! it's a very plausible reading!

(and honestly, why stop there? you might also note that thor, who grew up in the same toxic household, display a fair number of these symptoms too...)

[this post is meant to be informative and to give people a little insight into an alternative perspective on npd to the dominant pop psych one. i'm happy to answer questions, but if you want to "debate" me or approach this as "discourse", please don't.]

[penguinkyun]

chapter 154 review (and 153 and 152)

due to the nature of these chapters this review will contain references to canonical csa, abuse and suicidal ideation along with references to canon one sided incest. if this affects any of you please click off and I'll see you next time! your mental health matters

before i say absolutely anything else: hoshino ai get behind me

while i did want to make a review for each chapter individually but since i couldn't, I decided to combine 152, 153 and 154 in this one because they're all a continuation of the same scene anyway. this will be primarily 154 though since the other two supplement it.

anyways. aughaughauhasufghauighasugh- *continued noises of agony* i want to eat this chapter. holy shit.

i had so many questions answered with this chapter (and like. got several more LMAO) and this was so so good to read

i have to comment on hikaru's characterisation because he's so utterly resigned to being unloved like all the light left his life the moment ai did. its sort of a mirror to how ai considers herself entirely unlovable too and it just hammers in the fact that they really some part of the understanding and acceptance both of them were seeking but unfortunately the factors weren't in the cards for them.

what does this chapter breakup do to the already established timeline of the uehara-himekawa suicide taking place in the year of dome preparations and 153-154 seemingly confirming that said murder-suicide takes place wayy before the twins are even born? i am not looking at it. i do not see it. i am absolutely not thinking of what this changes about aqua's no hoshigan arc. nope. not seeing it. timeline doesnt exist to me.

sorry to hikaru, but ai immediately going “teehee! no ^V^ <3” at his marriage proposal was incredibly funny. girl there are so many things wrong with you (affectionate)

anyways when i was reading this i was actually struck by how i could just. tell ai was lying during this whole breakup. its really remniscent of her fight with nino, because ai's defense mechanism is to fawn and find the right thing to say to fix the situation to try and descalate it and she does not like confrontation. and here its like...shes trying to break it off as clean as possible, throwing out every reason because she doesn't want to but she knows she has to both because she is utterly right that the type of relationship they have is not healthy for hikaru and that adding marriage + kids to that would be incredibly difficult and would just be Bad for the both of them.

it was just so bad in the delivery ai please oh my god. its actually a little bit funny if you ignore the. the breakdowns.

and its. just really really sad that both hikaru and ai blame themselves and hate themselves for things entirely out of their control, which hikaru thinking airis abuse of him was something he did and ai filled with so much regret even when she knew she was trying to make the best decision for the both of them.

anyways. also ignoring how the movie arc kinda fails in delivering the set up that wouldve made this chapter hit much harder than it already does. moving on!

i just really really enjoy how this hammers in the fact that ai really was just. an ordinary girl. she was a lonely girl trying her hardest to be able to love and give the best possible lives to the people she cares about and even her dvd is still just trying to do that. to give herself accountability in the future so that she can't back out of it by giving the DVDs to gotanda that maybe, she along with her kids can try for a family again. it is just so ai in a way that is utterly heartbreaking to read.

also uh. kamiki's assertion he did infact give ai's address to ryousuke would be a kinda a confirmation he wasn't entirely responsible if not for the huge sixteen year old corpse of amamiya goro in the room. wonder why the two of them were there at the hospital that night. wonder how hikaru got said hospital address when ai broke it off because she considered herself the burden rather than hikaru and thus wouldnt have given the hospital address to hikaru. wonder about all of that. also wonder about miss fuyuko niinos role in all of this. so many questions really.

(also justice for katayose yura. is she STILL in those mountains.)

as for this being aqua’s revenge plan, its exactly what i expected actually! we've been told over and over that aqua would not be able to kill kamiki, not without extreme damage to himself both mentally and probably physical if he went through with his suicidal plan. this revenge is as gentle as it is cruel. it thoroughly breaks apart hikaru's world — striking directly at his heart past every single denial he has offered himself for 15 years to slam him with the plain truth: ai loved him and he killed her. And he now has to sit with that regret of time lost for the rest of his life. but it's also so gentle as it offers everyone a release from the chokehold ai’s death has had on them. it offers everyone a chance to let go of those regrets and move on with their lives in freedom. even for hikaru, he is finally given the full truth and learned that he was infact loved

but as much as i like this revenge it feels…i don't know how to say it but its sort of a disservice to the struggles aqua has faced till now because this revenge is the conclusion without the necessary setup. ever since c.10, aqua has expressed intense suicidal ideation and has been incredibly depressed and that ideation got horrifically worse during the movie arc.

there has been no resolution to this intense downslide of his mental health with basically just ruby’s “You're my oshi and I depend on you”, Kana asking him not to die (framed comedically) and Akane trying to use kana and aquas crushes to fix him. none of this is a refutation of the core issue of his suicidal ideation: that he feels such immense guilt at having failed ai, to the point he believed he had to commit murder and die, for him to atone completely. none of that refutes his belief that he is worth less than everyone around him. So him reaching this revenge without any of the emotional healing required feels a bit jarring and there's no catharsis. after over 140 chapters of aqua feeling heavily suicidal to see him looking forward to his future is nice, but i'd have liked to see his healing yknow? to have him say point blank he wants to live

SHOUTOUT TO MENGO FOR DELIVERING IN FANTASTIC ART YET AGAIN....! HAPPY HOSHINO FAMILY PANEL MENGO ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME. AUGH. AUAHG I AM IN PAIN. AUGH. That page of Hikaru absolutely breaking down at the news Ai really, truly loved him, with no lie and just the desperation with which he presses his hand, his entire self as if he could just reach across the screen and hold Ai’s hand again. laughs in agony

although theres been a recent trend of ai's importance being downplayed to roid up grsr and this chapter feels sort of...the opposite? like the twins importance to ai was being downplayed in favour of intensifying the hkai relationship (but since this dvd is aimed at asking her kids if they want to be a family with hikaru 15 years in the future i guess...?)

oh hello ruby there you are i thought you had no idea about the revenge plan. her presence is interesting because im tentatively hoping we'll finally get a resolution to the AquaRuby debacle due to the way theyre paralleled to hkai. fingers crossed.

anyways ending on aqua literally sobbing as he delivers the final sentence to hikaru - that his understanding of ai was fundamentally wrong and because of his desire to have her for himself he lost both her and any possible chance he had of a happy ending.

fuck. break next week welcome to our favourite biweekly manga

[thegratefulsouth]

Things Carol Peletier and Willow Rosenberg have in common. Because yes.

I should note that this started out as a comparison piece between Caryl and Willoz, because, so many reasons, but as it turned out, by not as many reasons as ...

Parallels between Carol and Willow.

I had one of those bead chokers when I was in high school. That should really tell you everything you need to know.

1. They both start out utterly adorable

and precious

and Carol stays that way. I should point out that I don't normally acknowledge BtVS beyond Season 3. That is like a whole other post though, which maybe isn't entirely pro-Willow (because of, primarily, her behaviours, not partner choice), so let's quickly side step that, and return to the original point of this post:

2. They both start out quite meek and then experience substantial arcs and character growth and

3. They both fall for honourable men of somewhat few words. Daryl initially, mostly, pulses with emotion, Oz does NOT emote as a general rule. But both men are serious thinkers, Oz unhurried and often philosophical in his articulation, while Daryl speaks straight from his heart. They are also both poster guys for how to treat women with respect and honour (again, pre-early Season 4 for our Oz), and both men depart a devotion to love that is quite exceptional. Properly unpacking all of this = another post, another day.

Carol and Willow each display a unique moment of bravery in intimacy early on, something that had previously been out of character for each of them. They are both essentially rejected in these moments, but it's just the beginning of something special. Though Carol's joking harkens to a possible older version of herself, it's one that she never had the chance to fully develop, being forced to bury her playfulness during her abusive marriage. Willow is still so young in this moment, she has endured years of bullying and being cast aside, and being somewhat emotionally neglected by her parents. She is just now starting to open her wings for the first time.

In Innocence, Willow asks Oz, "Do you want to make out with me?"

While in Seed, Carol jokes to Daryl, "Kinda romantic, wanna screw around?"

And Daryl's reaction, as we know, is, "Pfft."

After telling Willow he's not going to kiss her because she clearly still has a thing for Xander, Oz jumps into his breathtaking(Cherokee Rose worthy)ly, beautiful impression of the events, his desires, and assures her he can wait. This is where Willow truly falls for him.

4. They accept their men as they are, not needing them to change. When Oz discovers he is a werewolf, Willow assures him she'd still if he'd still. And as we know, Oz happily stills. And everyone lives happily ever after when the show ends after Season 3.

Carol sees straight through Daryl's prickly defense mechanism exterior. His actions have won her over eternally. She accepts him, walker ears, bouts of rage, and all. "You're every bit as good as them." She tells him. "Every bit."

5. Neither woman wants to be alone. Carol reveals this to Rick in Indifference, sharing one of the reasons she stayed with Ed.

Willow wears her own yearning like a banner throughout the entire series, her early social awkwardness (perfection) inhibiting the romantic connections she is seeking. At least until she catches the eye of one young man in particular, who loves her for it. None of us wants to be alone, but Carol and Willow seem to struggle with that disproportionately in early life and it impacts their decision making, and future trajectories, deeply.

6. Their men are always looking out for them, trying to warn them, get through to them.

Oz reveals his concerns about Willow's increasing foray into the world of magic you didn't encourage her, did you, telling Willow he's afraid that she'll get hurt. He knows what it's like to have power he can't control, and it's not fun.

Though Carol's descent is, IMO, more justified, more understandable following Henry's murder, the potential consequences for her are just as risky. Moreso. Daryl tries, desperately, so many times, to talk her off the ledge, acknowledging that she doesn't care what happens to herself, reminding her that they have a future.

7. In the 2nd last season of each of their shows, Carol and Willow traject into a dark arc after their loved one is murdered, and need their best friend to save them

to pull them back.

There are sooo many differences between this pair too. Willow makes many self serving decisions. It's complicated, and unfortunate. Carol is more selfless, only taking on a path of self destruction, putting others at risk, when met with the unspeakable actions of Alpha. Carol is older though, with greater life experiences. She truly lives in the end times, without magic, without superheroes. Her losses are enormous, her suffering excessive.

Willow's journey was always a difficult one for me to watch, even in retrospect with the passage of time. She wanted to escape many of the quirky and endearing qualities which accompanied an awkward and less self assured version of herself, and that was her right. In order to shed some of the pain of her past, she needed to lose an entire version of herself.

8. Finally, both women have such an enormous capacity to love, a desire to protect their loved ones, against all odds. Often putting themselves at risk to do so. They were both selfless and selfish at times, utterly human, beautiful, and I love them for it.

[dappersheep]

Hello! I don’t have an idea if this question bothers or maybe even triggers you, but if it is, feel free to ignore my message.

I’ve always been interested in mental disorders. It goes without saying that this topic is very relevant nowadays. So…

What do you think about mental disorders in the world of Food Fantasy? I mean, if I’m not mistaken, Tteokguk has a confirmed PTSD, according to his story. Is there a possibility that the other Food Souls may have any mental disorder? Do you have someone on your mind that can have a mental disorder? Of course only in terms of pure speculations, but still. We can even talk about Pasta Splatoon, why not?

Hello, the topic itself doesn't bother me so it's all good. This could get long so the rest of the answer is under the cut.

Since you're asking my opinion, mental disorders of course exist on Tierra. It's just that we have to note two things approaching this: 1) Mental disorders will not always be explicitly stated, mostly implied. A show-not-tell kind of narrative. And 2) Not all Food Souls will be able to understand the concept of a mental disorder. Most would likely prefer not to pay attention to it as just because they're human-like, doesn't mean they understand human workings. Some may even think such a thing is below them, as they're not humans and do not feel things the way humans do.

While I'm not familiar with Tteokguk's case beyond knowing he participated heavily in a war that took a toll on him, I am more familiar with others. So I can give you an example in Borscht. While she may not look it, some of her voice lines and her bio allude to her having PTSD from being hunted down in the snow, being in an environment that's too quiet, certain kinds of birds and of course, Vodka. In chapter 3 of her bio, she had a flashback that triggered that PTSD but she recovered quickly enough. I'm sure that Spaghetti did notice it, but he didn't want to coddle her, neither of them would know how to handle that and the best he could do is to cut short their business talk and let her rest for the night. For the most part, she has it under control and it doesn't affect her day-to-day affairs. The forever missing Skin Story event we never got could even offer some closure to some of the things that haunted her, then she was finally able to move on from those ghosts (no it has nothing to do with Vodka).

There's also Oyster. Mm, as far as I see, he's a classic case of neglect and abuse. This of course, stemming from the villagers and his Master Attendant, who all saw him as an omen onto their homes despite saving them from Fallen Angels. He has an aversion to being touched, trust issues and uses annoyance and anger as a defense mechanism. Spaghetti saw the signs and respected Oyster's demand that he didn't enter his space, didn't touch him but gave Oyster the choice to leave that place that has nothing good for him. He had Oyster spend more time with Borscht who let him get used to light errands that slowly socialized him with humans, and then herself and Spaghetti as the Food Soul interactions. So in a way, these two gave him a place to heal and feel some sense of normalcy, even if it's not loudly stated. And Oyster is grateful that these two gave him that chance.

Spaghetti himself is… I can't really say that he has any mental disorders. Melancholy, emotional baggage, emotional constipation and extreme spite for a certain subset of people, sure, but not any disorder. The rest of Desire Tavern doesn't quite fit mental disorders as much either. I'd put it this way: Just because they had experienced something bad in the past doesn't automatically translate to developing a visceral reaction to anything that reminds them of that bad thing, or developing a mental problem. I'd mostly chalk up their responses to range from, 'Oh she's plotting to beat you up' to 'She's not going to react at all to that'.

For other mental disorders… I'd say Souffle has a form of Dissociative disorder, kind of obvious with the existence of Dark Souffle and Souffle being unable to remember much of what happened while the other was in control.

Also Kaiserschmarrn and Whiskey definitely fall into the category of Psychopaths, textbook classics in varying degrees. As seen in the final chapters of Kaiser's event, he's made his ultimate goal very clear to everyone and is not above manipulation, threats and collateral damage to make things go his way. Even his own short introduction text states that while loyalty and safety of his companions is important, that's not the most important things on his mind.

And Whiskey… is Whiskey. We're all aware of his body count and shenanigans all across Tierra.

As for autism… off the top of my head, I don't know if B-52 particularly fits the bill for that because in the first place, he thinks he's a machine and not a Food Soul, and has thought that way for a very, very long time that it becomes a hard conditioning to get rid of. He's started to learn to be less 'mechanical' from the few cameos I've seen of him, but he's still stilted and not very good in communicating what he wants to say or the attention he gets. Again, I don't know if that fits the medical definition of autism but everyone's free to headcanon.

That's as much as I got for you. Feel free to respond again if I didn't really answer your question.

[theoestofocs]

but the thing is, melanie hates jon because he is so very much like her.

they work in adjacent fields, they've got such similar temperaments - they both run straight for whatever supernatural horror they need to understand, they both suck at planning ahead (poisoned coffee, melanie?) and they both lash out as a primary defense mechanism - and jon wasn't qualified for his job, and martin's only "degree" was in paranormal psychology, so clearly the Institute was hiring from a broader pool than "qualified archivists." i can't imagine ghost studies are all that lucrative as a field. if melanie hadn't made it as a youtuber, what would she have done? we don't know a lot about her educational background but - she knows what it's like, to need to know. she walked into the Institute and got a job because Elias saw that he could use her.

If she'd had a legitimate encounter sooner, if she'd started her quest a few years early, if she'd come to the Institute to give her statement and stayed to use their library before Gertrude had died -

Or even if she just couldn't survive on a youtuber's salary, if she'd gone looking for job postings in relevant fields -

It could have been her. She looks at Jon, and she sees exactly who she could have been. It's only luck that it wasn't.

And that's the kicker, isn't it? It's luck, that she's in her shoes instead of Jon's.

And is she supposed to feel lucky? To feel thankful that she's had to suffer through attack after attack, Elias showing her how her father (her dad, who called her his little moth) died screaming, her body torn open by things that don't exist, her sense of self slipping as she ripped into flesh with no recognizable form, her trust violated as she woke up to two of the few remaining people who are supposed to be on her side cutting into her against her will - to feel lucky, because she had to gouge her eyes out just to have her body back in her control -

Is she supposed to be happy that she lived through all that? Is she supposed to be glad, just because she could have been Jon?

Nobody told Melanie she needed to feel sorry for Jon, or give him her sympathy, or any other kind of pity. She just wants to give it, because God, what he'd gone through -

(Thank God it wasn't her -)

- Fuck that, she isn't lucky.

She hates Jon, because she refuses to feel grateful for the horror show her life has been. (Because she's grateful, that it wasn't her; and she's furious, because - yes it was. she paid the price of the apocalypse in blood and scars and trauma, too. She wasn't Jon, and could have been - but fuck it, she was still Melanie. and the hell that she has lived through isn't nothing.)

It's just bad luck, that it was Jon of all people. It's just bad luck, that it was Melanie.

No one here is lucky.

[d3vilh0rn2]

fanfic rec: through the floor above the ceiling

kiribaku (omg mha/bnha? eeeww/j) (confession never watched the show or read the manga just clips bby) (but even without the show this book is still gutwrenching)(i need ppl to understand it was completed it 2022 but I'm STILL THINKING ABOUT IT)

big tw: the main focus of this fic is abuse, so please be careful and stay safe. totally skip reading this if you're not in the headspace

I'm not promising no spoilers but honestly the fic goes so hard. realistically, you could ignore the ships/read it as platonic because

1. the bakudeku is abusive/domestic violence so it's really not love

2. the kiribaku is subtle and only is introduced in the very end

so it's abuse, which isn't really a new thing in this relationship (bakudeku), for better or for worst-

(some people romanticize it [worst], some people do interesting analysis and stories regarding their past and growth [better], you can argue both sides on whether this ship should exist or not, not the focus)

-but it's different in the sense that for once, Bakugou isn't the piece of shit abuser (I feel really weird about the statement like I feel like I'm not letting you know the true gravity of what I mean by this) and Izuku is (this is far from the main point) and the reason why I say this is because it manages to keep characterizations consistent despite the Fandom viewing bakugou=aggressive and izuku=docile.

to get into the meat of why I love it so much. we're, for most of the time, following Kirishima, an EMT who's just moved into the apartment below Bakugou and Izuku,. The entire building knows about Bakugou and Izuku's violent "relationship", and everyone dislikes Bakugou, because he an abusive pos, and he's all standoffish and rude, while Izuku is so sweet. Izuku actually visits Kiri after a fight to apologize, getting bandaged up a little bit and kinda "explaining" everything (Bakugou ran out to god knows where, all I wanted was to talk, blah blah blah), solidifying Kiri's diagust for Bakugou. however, after a few incidences (is it eavesdropping if they're fighting near an open window? it's odd how alone the perpetrator is and how supported the victim is...+ laundry room AITA) Kirishima is forced to reconsider his previous conclusion, and take the risk of "changing sides"/ supporting bakugou even though bakugou himself doesn't want the help

if you didn't realize, Izuku is kind of manipulating the entire building- he's actually the abuser but since bakugou is forced to rely so much on him, he can't really do or say anything. during escalating fights, he (bakugou) runs out the building, but because he has no where to go, he loiters around the trash before making his way back up. he's a model, so these fights, Izuku is assaulting him ormanipulating or quilting him is making it impossible for him to find a gig, etc etc. in the last few chaptersyou're in bakugou pov in the apartment and around izuku and God does it make me wanna die.

I just love the fic so much, because it spends time laying the groundwork and make it so believable- bakugou in this situation, would act like that, becoming a more subdued version of himself, being standoffish, but as a defense mechanism. izuku, in this situation, would behave like that, playing into everyone's perception of him, typically relying on guilt to control bakugou

I have it downloaded to my phone, I'm just so obsessed- I don't know if I'm weird or something, but everyone needs to read this

[seraphtrevs]

I’ve been thinking lately and why is it that mental health is so important in BCS/BrBa but fandom very rarely talks about it? Like obviously on the other side you get woobifying and that’s annoying, but I mean the lack of sympathy for Jane and Jesse and especially Andrea for being addicts, the fact that ptsd (and refusing to deal) is so integral to becoming Saul but instead you get bullshit about Jimmy being aspd, the black and white regarding Chuck. Idk! It’s done so well yet…

I've curated my dash so that I only see BrBa/BCS takes from my perfect mutuals on tumblr (and I don't go on twitter at all), so I can't really say for sure what's going on with the fandom at large

But if I had to guess, maybe it's a couple things: 1) BrBa/BCS characters are extremely nuanced. The depiction of mental illness in media often tends toward stereotype - there are certain ways a character with depression or anxiety or PTSD or schizophrenia behaves that code them as depressed/anxious/traumatized/schizophrenic so that the audience immediately recognizes the character as very obviously suffering from a specific mental illness This isn't true of any of the characters of the gilliverse, even the ones who we're explicitly told are struggling with their mental health and being treated for it, like Chuck, Marie, and Howard. Chuck is delusional, but he doesn't act the way characters who are written as delusional usually do. Marie is neurotic, but we don't get any easy-to-digest reason for her kleptomania. We see Howard struggle with depression, but if you asked the average viewer what their impression of Howard was, they aren't likely to say "Oh, he was that character who was Struggling With Depression."

Most of these characters have very poor mental health, but it's not easy to talk about because the portrayal is subtle, not blunt

2) A lot of talk about the mental health of characters unfortunately revolves around blame. Pointing out a character might be suffering from mental illness is not the same as absolving them from blame, but some people act as though it is, which can be used to both defend and attack characters. So you get woobifiying with a mental illness diagnosis, but you also get people saying a character could not possibly be suffering from [x] because that would make them sympathetic, so clearly their actions came from sheer evil with no context and any suggestion otherwise is just making excuses for them

For example, both Jimmy and Kim were showing signs of PTSD after his trip to the desert. The Howard plot was hatched as a deranged defense mechanism - they both felt very out of control and this was a way to make them feel powerful. It's not absolving them of blame to point out they were suffering from PTSD. Their PTSD did not force them to frame their former boss. But on the other hand, it does provide context to their actions that make them more understandable.

Which again, is not the same thing as saying the Howard plot was excusable. It's just pointing out that bad mental health played a role in their disastrous decisions. I'm not really interested in assigning blame or deciding which characters are/aren't deserving of sympathy. I'm much more interested in understanding why a character made a certain choice, and I have sympathy for all of them

[offsidekineticist]

Thinking about Theo and music....

So originally I thought "Theo can't sing." But I also got a fair bit of inspiration for his relationship to Cheliax from Captain Von Trapp's relationship to Austria from the Sound of Music (deepest apologies to Messrs Crowley and Fell), and I just had an idea...

So when he's young, Theo isn't necessarily great at singing, but it's one of the ways he keeps his spirits up on his 'low' days - unlike most gnomes, he started bleaching in utero, and I have it manifest for him largely as childhood depression, kept in check partly by his anxieties. Theo's mom taught him to sing when he's down or scared (assuming it's safe to do so), even if it's just a silly song about how much he hates everything, because it will help keep him from complete despair. So he sings a lot in his youth, but never as a performance. It's always for himself.

When Thrune takes over, I imagine there's something of a crackdown on what is and is not acceptable music. Songs and ballads are a way of retelling history, after all, and Thrune has always been very careful about controlling the people's understanding of history. So most of Theo's favorite songs - especially the ones about what it means to be Chelaxian - probably became straight up dangerous to sing. And since a lot of what Theo is upset about during this time isn't safe to admit aloud, he can't sing his silly little "I hate this" songs. There are some songs that are still safe - Cheliax didn't crack down as hard on Brastlewark because they didn't want to deal with the GNOMES, so silly Brastlewark specific songs are probably fine, but part of why Theo loved the Chelaxian songs is they gave him a sense of identity (something he struggled with as a young man) in a way the more whimsical gnomish songs didn't. He tries to keep singing to himself to keep his spirits up, but censoring himself just reinforces his grief, so he eventually stops singing altogether. It's part of why he declines so quickly - he is essentially grieving in secret, totally isolated, and without his usual coping mechanisms.

Once the bleaching runs his course, of course, Theo is a very different person. His emotions have muted enough that singing to himself for comfort is largely unnecessary. He kind of forgets he used to sing to himself for years - to the point it doesn't even come to mind while raising Qweck. Its partly a defense mechanism - it just isn't safe for him to remember that aspect of himself. It's not until he flees to Kintargo that he remembers.

Kintargo's prominence in the Chelish Opera scene and the unique Kintargan dance halls suggest to me that the city's culture is very musical. So I imagine that not too terribly long after fleeing Brastlewark - after Giliys's patron has been dealt with but before he knows what he's going to do with himself now that being a librarian seems out of the question - Theo is wandering the city, and he happens to pass by a school and he hears singing. It sounds like some kind of chorale practice, which is common enough - even in Brastlewark, they had a children's chorus (though it sounded dreadful because they could never get the kids to sing the same song at the same time) - but there's something bout this chorus that stops him in his tracks.

They're singing the old songs.

Songs about Cheliax and her history that Theo hasn't heard since before the Ascendancy. Songs he forgot he knew because it wasn't safe to know them. Songs that carried him through some of the most difficult days of his childhood, that he had to forget during the most difficult days of his adulthood.

That's when Theo knows he's going to be alright. Because whatever else is going on, there are children who sing the old songs. He's never going to sing as much as he did in his youth (even if he was so inclined, spontaneously breaking out in song in the middle of the street is less accepted in Kintargo than it was in Brastlewark), but after that, from time to time, he'll catch himself humming to himself - and then he'll allow himself to continue because he's safe here.

And during those times when he's overwhelmed and afraid and alone - especially during that year when Giliys and Qweck run off to hell to try to retrieve the souls Giliys damned for his patron - he'll go for a long walk around the city, and somehow his feet will always take him outside that school, to hear the children sing the old songs.