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there-will-be-a-way · 11 months

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They'll discharge my future roommate next Thursday - and then we'll really share my one room apartment for a while 😅 Let's see how this'll go.

Also, my new friend from the smoking area painted me a picture in ergotherapy that's now on my bedroom wall. He was discharged too, today, and sat with me for an hour until my bus came. I gave him a pear, he offered me a cigarette. His phone was stolen so we exchanged email addresses. We watched ants and bugs together and he told me about his home country.

My former roommate got breakfast for me again. Life feels exciting and new, and scary. Because taking steps is always scarier than staying in a familiar place. But for the first time in a long while I feel like I'm living.

#personal posts #if I traveled time and told my 20 years old self about my life #they would hesitate to believe a word #I was stuck for so long #dreaming of living #but during the last year I've made so many experiences #a lot of it was a struggle #and I'm scared a looooot #and uncertain #I make the wrong decisions #I stray from my path #but I've gained so much love #and so much insight about what life is about #I would do it all again #this is living it really is #I don't want to be in my death bed and think about all the chances I didn't take because of fear #I'd rather regret and learn than not move #because if there is one wrong decision #it's doing nothing #and yeah I'm an addict #and yeah my life is a mess #but rn I feel so right #I have a right to be here - despite it all #and I'm allowed to mess up and try and learn from every mistake I've made #I'm glad I am alive #and thankful for everyone who plays a role in keeping me here #tw addiction #psych ward blogging

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uncanny-tranny · 4 months

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You know, I'm not a cheerleader for cis people who get gender-affirming care (especially if it's "gender nonconforming," such as a cis guy who gets vaginoplasty) because I think cis people are superior or that they should be coddled, but rather, because I don't want people to respect my gender-related care simply because I'm trans. I want people to respect my bodily autonomy because... I'm a human person. It sometimes feels like people want you to prove that they should respect your bodily autonomy, and that's something I fundamentally despise.

I shouldn't need to be open about my transness in order to be respected because... that's not information you're inherently privileged to, nor are you entitled to somebody's transness/gender situation in general. I prefer that we start seeing gender care as something that isn't "for" one group of people when that's not how the world will work, y'know. There will always be people who seek specific care no matter what or who they are, because they're human people who can make decisions.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #and like sometimes i personally don't 'get' when a cis person makes gender-affirming care decisions because we're different people!!!#you don't HAVE to 'get' it to respect it #and sometimes it comes across almost as... objectifying? when people only respect my gender care because im a trans male...#...like to me it comes across as 'you have now proven your trans insanoty and it would come across as wrong for me to deny your autonomy...#...so i GUESS i respect it' and maybe that's not what people mean but it does sometimes come across like that #like... i guess WHY is it that your respect for one's gender care hinges on if they're trans or not

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iam93percentstardust · 1 year

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one of the things that really bothers me about modern franchises, and in particular over the last 5 years or so, is their refusal to commit. what i mean here when i say this is that it's not uncommon for a major franchise to make a decision, whether about the plot or the characters, that should have had huge, world-changing consequences... and then just never address that again or worse, immediately go back and undo it. and i'm gonna pick on star wars and the mcu here because those are the two big franchises i'm into at the moment (and i think they're kind of the worst at this), but i don't want you to walk away from this thinking that this is solely a disney thing. i've seen this happen with game of thrones and supernatural and plenty of other non-disney franchises. spoilers ahead, you've been warned:

in ant-man & the wasp quantumania, scott and hope make the life-altering decision to stay behind in the quantum realm and defeat kang instead of going through the portal to return to their world. this should have been a huge meta decision for the mcu, and when i first saw it in theaters, my immediate thought was wow, what is this going to mean for the mcu going forward? are we going to get a movie/miniseries about scott and hope helping to rebuild the quantum realm? how are cassie, janet, and hank going to react to the losses of their loved ones (in some cases, for the second time)? is cassie going to become the "first" young avenger because she has to take her father's place among the team lineup (and i only say first because as of this moment, none of the other young avengers introduced to the franchise are official avengers yet)? except nope, because less than 2 minutes later, cassie had fixed the portal that had broken way back at the beginning of the movie and brought scott and hope back.

and it felt like such a cheat. i was so disappointed in that theater, not as someone who was invested in these characters on a personal level (because yay, cassie gets her dad back!), but as someone who has spent years investing themselves in the story of the mcu. what was the point of wasting screentime on scott and hope accepting their new lives in the quantum realm if it was just going to immediately be undone? the entire scene could have been cut to scott and hope making it back bare seconds before the portal closed and it would have had the same emotional impact. there was nothing added by making scott and hope (and us) think that there was no way back only to rip the rug out from under us and go "gotcha! you really thought we were gonna give this movie a sad ending? haha! you're so dumb!"

and this isn't the first time the mcu has done this. one of the biggest complaints about endgame was the decision to set it five years in the future with no consideration for how that would actually change the setting of the mcu. characters were brought back to the exact place they disappeared from with no consideration for how things might have changed in the interim five years (like planes that weren't in the air anymore, buildings no longer standing, even just something as simple as a chair being unoccupied). and then the mcu didn't even really have the courage to address how this would have shaped the world other than a few jokes and making the bad guys in the falcon and the winter soldier people who cared about how the world had screwed them over during the blip.

and things like this happen over and over and over again. the accords are put into place in civil war, but by the time we get to she-hulk, they're gone with no explanation because, as best as i can tell, the writers didn't want to have to deal with the worldbuilding that went into the accords. gamora is killed in infinity war, but heaven forbid quill not have an emotional investment in a film he appears for maybe 10 minutes in so now she's back in endgame. steve got to go live in the past with his ex-girlfriend (which is in itself a refusal to commit after the mcu both gave her a different husband and had the woman herself tell him to move on) but we need to establish that messing with timelines is bad because that's what the entire next phase hinges on so actually his ending was predestined and it's only everyone else who can't change time. whoever took this entire town and also wanda hostage and forced them to live out a sitcom fantasy is bad and needs to be stopped but wait, it's actually wanda and she can't be the bad guy yet, we need her for doctor strange 2, so actually everyone's going to defend her now and say that no one else could ever possibly understand her grief. thor has decided to accept responsibility as king of asgard, but we can't use him for any more movies if he's stuck in asgard, so actually he's decided to pass it on to someone whose entire leadership capability is developed offscreen. i could list more examples but this is making me angry, so let's move on to star wars instead.

with star wars, i look at first the oft-quoted meme, "somehow palpatine has returned." yeah, i shouldn't really need to go into detail on how that counts as a refusal to commit but. the last jedi was a study in how johnson refused to commit to anything that abrams had laid down in the force awakens, but rise of skywalker was almost like abrams had looked at the franchise and said "screw you for taking it away from me, i'm going to come up with the most bullshit stuff just to spite you for doing that in the first place. and i'm going to start by undoing the most important plot point of the first trilogy: the emperor dies." and yeah, disney's kind of tried to salvage this by dropping hints into the bad batch and the mandalorian about cloning, but that only really works if you're watching the franchise chronologically and not considering that both of those series came out after rise of skywalker.

and then there's the mandalorian, my sweet summer child, who is, in my opinion, the worst at backtracking their plot points. i'm not entirely convinced that any of the higher ups for this show really knew what they were doing when they started working on it and i'm not convinced that they know what they're doing now. yeah, there's the tie-in to the last season of clone wars, but the mandalorian has managed to walk back pretty much every single major plot point it's had. din is this legendary warrior who can't be beat, but no one will watch this show if he defeats everyone too early, so he's constantly getting beat up (tbf, sometimes some of the fights he loses makes sense like the krayt dragon and the mudhorn, but a lot of them don't. at all). moff gideon is dead, no wait no he's not, now he's imprisoned, no wait no he's not, now he's definitely dead, you can totally believe us this time guys. grogu can use the force and must be placed with the jedi, but wait, the only person still actively teaching the way of the jedi is luke and all of his students will be brutally murdered ten years from now, and we can't have that, everyone will be mad at us for killing off such a cute character and no one will buy baby yoda dolls (and also we have to set up luke's character degradation from hopeful, believes-in-love cinnamon roll to "i'm going to kill my nephew") so in between seasons let's have grogu decide to go back to din (and don't even get me started on how frustrating it is that a casual mandalorian watcher also had to watch book of boba fett to understand why grogu is back). din has the darksaber now which makes him king of mandalore, that's totally going to be important and what the entire series has been building up to, right? wrong! he might have spent the first two seasons making connections, learning about the world outside his sheltered upbringing, and demonstrating the various qualities that would make for a good leader, but the entire third season will be about din realizing that actually he's super unworthy and the darksaber should actually go to someone who... saw an animal in the water.

and it's really, really frustrating as a viewer! because how am i supposed to get invested in any of these plot decisions when they almost always get reversed? why should i care that mj and ned have forgotten peter when ant-man 3 has shown me that they'll remember him the next time they're all on screen together? why should i care that tech is dead when half of the last season of clone wars was about how echo was actually alive? if none of these decisions have any permanence, then where are the emotional stakes? why should i watch your movie if all you're going to tell me is that nothing matters?

#and also i want to make a point that the early mcu did permanent stakes really well #iron man 1 ends with tony announcing that he's iron man and that's something that still resonated years later #the entire second film hinged on that one moment #loki falling into the bifrost is what leads him to the chitauri which is what kickstarted the avengers #steve is woken from the ice and the first organization who presents themselves as someone to trust is shield #which sets up the betrayal he feels in the winter soldier #these moments resonate throughout the first two stages and the decisions the characters made MATTERED #so you can't help but get invested because what if it's the wrong decision???#anyway i'm frustrated with the state of franchises #alle talks #long post

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carlos-in-glasses · 10 months

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TK trying not to cry at work and then crying at home with Carlos.

#Sorry lol last one I promise #Just - he barely holds himself together but manages to #And then he doesn't need to any more because he's safe at home and he's allowed to quietly look at old photos and cry if he needs to #Which he does once he starts talking #BUT! Then he stops himself from talking and walks away #because he thinks he's being weak or silly or he's winding himself up #At which point Carlos realises that TK is actually making the wrong decision - what he needs is to keep talking about his feelings #and Carlos knows just the man who will listen 😭😭😭😭#Tarlos #TK Strand #TK x Carlos #The Riddle of the Sphynx #911 Lone Star

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cartsandhorses · 13 days

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Those aus where the characters never meet but it’s hannigram and they just don’t have a reason to. Not that that would stop them but maybe Will was recommended a different psychiatrist or left the field entirely, dropped off the face of the earth. He would be the talk of psychiatric circles but Hannibal would never have a reason or opportunity to seek him out. Hear his name in passing and move on, never see his face and fall in love. And maybe they walk by each other but by the time they look back it’s too late. A brushing of shoulders Hannibal would find rude and that Will would go out of his way to avoid but didn’t. A scent that Hannibal inhales and can’t let go of (he wants to, it bothers him) but can’t trace its source because Will already walked away. But he had gone still. Just for a moment, uncertain of why…

They never do get an answer. Not this time. Perhaps they’ll both feel something missing, distantly and locked away.

It’s like outside forces divine intervention are keeping them apart.

#i hate these kinds of ideas because i refuse to believe a ship did not find each other in every universe but it doesn’t stop one from #thinking otherwise #this is only a loose thought #courtesy of a different idea of them meeting years earlier seeing each other entirely but Will makes the decision that they are better off #without (they’re not. they’re ruined without each other). and somewhere along those years apart Will forgets. it’s difficult but easier #and he isn’t any happier and doesn’t realise what- who he is missing until they see each other again #the silly part: Hannibal was caught but it’s because of an agent’s dumb luck and having backup. so it’s in a bit of sotl fashion #he is unaware of who is meeting with him and Will either is too occupied in his mind to really catch the name of the man or only goes #in with what information he already has on the previous case he refused (subconsciously turning a blind eye to) so they’re surprised #and Will remembers. and somewhere along the line he decides (probably from the start) Hannibal is on the wrong side of the glass #dumping a bit of that here for no reason i suppose #hannibal #nbc hannibal #will graham #hannibal lecter #hannigram #text post #my stuff

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lunarharp · 6 months

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Very important conferences.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #some real serious discussions goin on in this atelier today. dont u doubt it.#agott is the only one who has ever thought about this because she is a 12 year old lesbian and UMM..FRIEND? LIKE FRIEND? IS THAT..LEGAL???#this is all i drew today because silly things like this take hours lol. at least it's practice for poses -_-#i got the pattern of the girls' dresses wrong but i couldn't be bothered to change halfway through.#don't worry if you're like what is the naakiwan downs. is that name even mentioned in the main manga #ANYWAY i KEEP thinking about what if it's actually banned for professors and watchful eyes to date like that would make a lot of sense.#like maybe it should be banned. SO??? are they just low-key Aware of what the deal is and they're just Putting their feelings aside #until graduation??? take my tassel as an unspoken reminder of how i feel?? living together trial period?? this feels like it's truly it #When we're free to be together........ Sensei loves homophobia parallels without there actually being homophobia #Let's invent reasons why men cant be together. Ummm well whatever. i'm screaming in my head but it's fine.#this will probably form the theme of my orufrey for a while. i've thought of this before but for some reason today it's big for me.#i guess the tassels might not specifically be a part of that since they exchanged them before tower of books #and qifrey made his mysterious decision to be a teacher after that and..well whatever. I need more of backstory and just..everything?#But i also don't mind when vinanna interrupts my wishes with just a chapter of just being really dreamy? I love witch hat?

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arsenicflame · 8 months

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since we all appear to be talking about izzy 'calling the police' on stede id like to offer my silly little two cents:

its not like the navy wasn't actively looking for him anyway??????

at most, izzys actions sped up badminton catching up with stede, but its made very clear that badminton wanted Stede dead well before this, and was willing to use whatever he could to find him- whos to say jackie wouldnt have cut a deal on her own? that any other pirate thats seen them being unsubtle in a port wouldn't take the opportunity to make a quick buck over a guy who is Nobody and holds no influence that could lead to any consequences for them?

in reality izzy is probably the only person who would receive negative repercussions to selling out stede, given his personal connection with ed- any other pirate would probably have gotten away unscathed, anonymous. they likely wouldnt have even been present like izzy was. izzy had personal stakes, anyone else would have taken the money and ran

the way i see it, with or without izzy the events of episode 10 probably would have happened in some degree, izzy just expedited the timeline

#like ok. i dont exactly support izzys actions but i honestly dont see it as that big of a deal??? to our characters i mean #idk i just. its a dick move!! but i struggle to see it as any more than that #its the actions of a desperate man who made a stupid decision to get his.... ed. out of what he saw as a bad situation #whether it is or not i cant say! but you cant deny ed drastically changed in the time he was on the revenge #in a way that could be concerning from the outside #(i saw a good post kinda comparing it to your friend ending up in a cult and. yeah. excellent description from an outside perspective)#idk theres a lot of. undertones in the way people say 'calling the police' and also they always say ed too and its like. no! izzy tried to #get ed out of there! he set the navy on everyone BUT ed. and its not like the navy really cared about the crew. only stede #i am not the person to talk about why 'calling the cops' is a bad take but the posts are out there. ive seen them.#izzy did what hundreds of pirates did to save their own hide- including hornigold himself (but honestly that was worse because he actively #turned hunter. not just a guy with a tip)#also side historic note that uhh. the navy was casually in Nassau. what exactly was the situation there??? was shit occurring. w #we know it did in history #idk #nyxtalks #ofmd #izzy hands #israel hands #spanish jackie 🤝 izzy: girlbosses for selling stede out to the British/Spanish for their own gain #idk i think thats the one thing he did 'wrong' but ita still very sympathetic to me #its not like izzy dibbed in a guy nobody cared about #'hey hey ill sell you information about this pirate please let me sell you information' ' i mean i guess we are supposed to be doing that'#badminton had an active vendetta against stede and kinda seemed like. he would stop at nothing to get him???#given. the whole 'id rather let blackbeard go and kill Stede than take a huge pirate into custody' thing

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kicktwine · 1 month

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man you guys are (remembers that just because I dislike a certain character type or characterization decision, it doesn’t mean other people aren’t allowed to like it and think it’s cool nor was it made for me explicitly so I shouldn’t call them a dink for liking art I do not and vice versa) normal

#kipspeak #not about anything in particular it’s just sometimes I get tags on my posts #that are like boy I HATED this decision #and im like ??????? It was the natural progression of — I didn’t mind it. You’re a buzzkill #and then I remember opinions exist #and I just have different ones #and sometimes I block you because you’re a dink with the wrong opinion. JSKDJD #Hey why is the first thing that comes up when I search dink is childless couple. It means stupid… I thought?????

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overtake · 2 months

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Some f1 fans cannot handle being reminded that this is a competitive sport, not daycare. Sometimes people have to do things that will hurt a driver’s feelings, seem unfair, or piss off other competitors when there’s points and millions of dollars on the line. You can still be disappointed and upset without acting like the decision made on objectively sound sporting reasons requires a trip to the hague. If you cannot handle that this sport is not actually hair braiding and gentle parenting when push comes to shove, you might enjoy another hobby better.

#some of these takes just have me rolling my eyes #i may dislike mclaren for some general things that went down with daniel #but daniel did not perform and they were 100% right to drop him and there is no world in which they were wrong in making that choice #sucks that nyck didnt get a full season but he ran his mouth about not wanting to be treated like a rookie and got rightfully dropped #when drivers do things that seem scummy but are legal … you can be like ‘ugh i hate that’ without saying they deserve a penalty for it #it’s very sad for logan that he can’t drive because of alex’s mistakes #but also. he’s not out for this weekend just because of alex’s mistakes #he’s not driving because he put out a season and two races worth of performances #showing why they shouldn’t trust him more than the man who crashed. and that is on logan #williams is 100% right for putting alex in there. it sucks for logan for SURE and i feel bad for him #but they’re right #no one says you cant be UPSET with the decision but you cannot pretend its wrong #*

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thebirdandhersong · 8 months

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I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.

#in other words today has been an oddly sad day! discovering that the friends you've made have their own group chats #that are separate from the general group chat (that no one ever talks on) that you aren't a part of is......... i don't know #i KNOW i'm liked by them and i KNOW they love me but do they WANT me around?#like. i know i'm not UNpleasant to have around. i am a good listener and a good conversationalist.#i work very hard at it because it doesn't come naturally to me.#but clearly that's not enough to be added to exclusive group chats! clearly that's not enough to be part of inner core circles #i don't know this just came out of nowhere and i feel as if i've been slapped in the face #sitting at a table where people are talking about the thing someone sent to the group chat #or the photo or quote or reel someone sent to someone else is....... bizarre.#i am trying not to be so hurt by it! i am trying not to take it so personally #it happens. i know it happens. i know it will keep happening. it is just that i thought this was a place where i wouldn't be lonely #and this is the dorm community i've invested so much of my time and energy and love into since last year.#so i think i'm justified in being a little upset!#i'm not crying about it but that's because i'm not about to cry with other people sitting here in the study lounge!#the math is probably really wrong here but i thought that if i poured love in for the sake of pouring love in #somehow somewhere along the line i would also receive love. that i would actually be a part of this community.#anyway that's not going to change how i live here! i committed myself to doing my best this last year #because i don't want anyone to feel left out or unwanted or lonely. i already made the decision #to do everything i can to love the people here.#i'm not trying to toot my horn this is just what i actually want to and have decided to do!#i have birthday cards planned! i have midterm snacks planned!#i've just worked out how i can print christmas and easter cards and stickers!#i'm GOING to love darn it all i'm GOING to pour love in #i think it hurts especially because there's the boy problem going on too #of not being wanted in an area that i DIDN'T expect to be wanted in #and then learning that there is a collective not being wanted in this whole community #it is a Lot and it is very hard and i don't know what to do with it!#i have had this lie (that i'm inherently unloveable and undesirable) in my head since childhood #and i've worked SO HARD to shut that voice up. and it is so so hard to not believe it right now

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nostalgia-tblr · 7 months

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I watched Avengers: Age of Ultron (apart from I skipped some overly long action sequences) and I am not sure so can someone tell me whether or not Tony Stark was the baddy in that film? Because about halfway through I was sure he was but then it was maybe just an evil robot after all and I am confused because either this film was surprisingly subversive or it was about robots hitting each other.

#I CANT STAND THE CONFUSION IN MY MIND #also i get why people wrote wanda/sylvie. they should go on a wholesome chick-flick revenge-quest together. and also they should kiss.#also i am now only *half* joking about thor being in love with mjolnir #it kept doing Christianity Bits which was quite awks.#not sure why it used the bit about building the church on a rock for some metal i mean wasn't jesus making a pun there? about peter?#i think Vision might be Jesus? or else he's Dr Manhattan who's done a first year philosophy course. could go either way on that tbh.#BUT TONY WAS THE BADDY RIGHT? WAS HE? WAS TONY THE BADDY OR NOT????#with the homocidal glitches in what he thinks is his winning personality?#and all the weapons he's made and is in fact still making but now he only sells them to The Good Guys?#except look how easily they fall out with each other and also don't a lot of innocent bystanders die in their overly long action scenes?#also i need to write fic about whether mjolnir does in fact obey some unknown code that can be cracked if you set your mind to it #she does like Robot Jesus so apparently we can rely on her to make the major decisions from now on #the ending's a bit ominous - apparently someone's collecting those TVA paperweights to do... something? Oh no! :O #yeah i watched the MCU in the wrong order shut up this was inevitable and Marvisney should just embrace that at this point #(i know 'Marvisney' will never catch on but that will not stop me using it)#the loki series ending is but the latest installment of “unlimited power with no oversight is fine as long as the Good people have it”#UNLESS TONY WAS ACTUALLY THE BADDY. WHICH AS I MENTIONED I AM NOT AT ALL CLEAR ON.#maybe what i mean is was tony stark the baddy *on purpose*?#i only picked this one to watch next because tumblr gifsets told me thor wears a nice coat in it #which he does! but only for a small fraction of the film :(#journey into the mcu #the avengers (the marvel ones not the other ones)

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brionnne · 1 month

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note that i will only ever call mithrun "stupid" jokingly. by "stupid", i only mean "frustrating behavior that i am immensely familar with". seeing him do something that makes me groan aloud, closing my eyes, sighing "stupid (affectionate, mournful)". like when he fucking... his dumbass "i don't want to [use the bathroom] right now, so it's fine." oughh. i know you! i know you! that's not how that works!!! and he's smart!!! he's so smart... but god, god... he's kind of an absent professor. he's kind of a cloudcuckoolander. i love him dearly. he gets called a dummy, a little idiot, and i flick his forehead, a little bonk of hard-heads, like "try again, idiot. that's not how bodies work." and "ooh, 'that's not going to work'. yes it is. shut up, stoopid. stubborn little man, my god." rolling my eyes forever.