#because it's easy to go 'but I don't have any recollection of this other life I'm supposed to have so this is the real one'

[polarfarina]

My brain does scary things to me but it's only sometimes and sometimes it still lies but in a fun or harmless way that doesn't affect anything

Not really sure if it's all stuff everyone experiences sometimes or if it's something that if it happened a teeny bit more often would need to get treated. Idk even for what though

[cupidzgf]

FACETIME | SATORU GOJO

☁︎‎‎‧₊˚ summary: have you seen those tiktoks with girls talking about how they've been "traumatized" on facetime because their boyfriends said, "keep talking" while secretly getting off to their girlfriend's voice over an innocent call? let me set the scene for you…

contents: mdni, nsfw, afab reader, male masturbation, a little bit of sub satoru, voice kink, basically one-sided phone sex, lmk if i missed anything, w/c: 1.5k

SATORU lies on facetime with you in the late hours of the night. he's been across the country for the past two weeks due to a cursed womb (or so he says; you never understand what he is talking about). so you two settled for calling one another any night he was available, even though he loved to rub, "aww, did you miss me, sweetheart? i bet you're bedridden with sadness over my departure," in your face.

week two comes to a close on saturday night, and still, he's stuck with another sorcerer he claims "gets in the way of his technique" and is "virtually useless." you try to remind him to be kind, but it goes in one ear and right out the other.

he had already recounted his day to you, albeit tiredly, but he filled you in with the same happy-go-lucky attitude you're used to from his luxurious hotel bed as he turned his attention to you for you to do the same. throughout your recollection of the past three days, he grows increasingly antsy, fidgeting too much for it to be nothing. his phone constantly scrapes against the bed sheets as he adjusts the angle, but you don't comment on it, more focused on how nice it is to talk to him after three days since your last call.

no matter how much gojo is gone, it never ceases to leave a hollow hole in your chest, crawling with pits of negative emotions. knowing bits and pieces of the danger he faces does nothing to ease your worried consciousness over his well-being when he's away. he knows this and does well to accommodate the loneliness and anxiety that follows his absence, ensuing these calls when he can. not that he isn't as obsessed with you as you are with him, but he's more considerate than most people give him credit for.

you continue recounting the details of work and its latest drama, something satoru is usually very attentive to. in his line of work, drama comes in a much different form, which is why you assume that yours is a distraction from his. yet his lack of response begins to raise warning flags. his typically energetic and reassuring demeanor is replaced by eerie silence. questions about his behavior start to filter and infiltrate your scrambling thoughts.

it was easy to assume that it was your fault. maybe he was tired and didn't want to hear you ramble? perhaps he doesn't want to be rude and tell you to shut up? what if you're annoying or boring him? even as he's assured you hundreds of times before how he loves to hear you talk and share your life with him, the insecure part of your mind starts to turn on you with bared teeth and fangs.

as you finish your sentence, a beat of silence passes, and you wait with bated breath for a huff of laughter that never comes. he doesn't respond, heavy breathing filtering through your phone's speakers so quietly you have to strain your ears to hear it. you furrow your eyebrows, biting your nails as the silence stretches on.

"toru?" you softly ask, tilting your phone screen to get a better angle of the dark room staring back at you through the screen. the hotel room provided little in the way of light.

"yeah?" he replies, his voice strained with a tinge of breathlessness.

"are you okay? you're not injured, right?"

a shaky hum vibrates your phone ever so slightly, and you catch a glimpse of his spikes of white hair in the darkness. "yeah…yeah, sweet cheeks, just keep talkin' f'me, alright?" i'm close, goes unspoken, but he's too focused on the sound of your voice that could have only been gifted by the heavens and his hard, leaking cock to dwell further.

it's been two weeks, and he feels like he will go insane before the semi-grade 1 he's supposed to supervise exercises the curse.

suguru had recommended that the kid be moved to a grade 1 sorcerer, which was fine with him. he didn't interact with his juniors often but figured his calmer other half had a plan. why should he care? that was until he'd been put on assignment with him to exorcise a special grade halfway across the country, and suddenly, he cared a whole fucking lot.

it had only been because of suguru and leiri that he didn't whine and complain until they assigned someone else about why he, the strongest jujutsu sorcerer, was given something so….so….(suguru hadn't let him finish the sentence before he was given a cold glare). but the old bastards had a way of making his life hell, and now he was left to sleep in a rundown hotel (the kid insisted it was the fanciest thing he'd ever seen), pent-up and irritated out of his mind.

you, however, had been his saving grace when after a particularly long day, you called him. sporting the cute pajama set he likes to smack your ass in, how was he not supposed to find your voice attractive? i mean, come on, he hadn't even had time to jerk off in those two weeks; what was he supposed to do? not as quietly as possible, take his cock out of his pants?

at your end of the call, his out-of-character attitude makes you suspicious. however, for the sake of conversation, you attempt to brush it off until it hits you, and you pause for your next word. "what are you doing?"

silence. you are met with piercing silence and then an unsteady chuckle. you can imagine him shaking his head as he clears his throat uncomfortably. "listening to you, whad'ya ask?"

"you're really quiet…and i can't see you. if you don't want to listen to me, just say so," you murmur softly, delicately even. the next second, there's a poorly concealed grunt, teetering on the edge of a whine. both of you pause at the same time, the humming of the air conditioning outrageously loud in the stillness that follows.

"fuck, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. i just can't take it anymore." moaning, the vulgar sounds of wet slick fill the air, and it's then the realization comes crashing down.

your jaw slackens, utter shock overtaking your now stiff body. "what the fuck?" you breathe, astonished. "h-how long–"

"since you started talking," he strains, and the familiar build of an orgasm from his hand frantically pumping his length drenched in pre is a lewd sight. spreading his legs further from where he lies on the bed, he whines back, arching as the tightness in his balls makes him feverish, his cock impossibly hard. he's become desperate to hear you speak, pleading for you to give him that push off the edge and into the insanity of release. "oh, fuck, keep going, please--"

"oh my god, you're such a perverted freak! i wasn't doing anything sexual, and you're beating your cock to my voice—"

he knows he's depraved, but cumming to the sound of you degrading him over the phone has to be a new low. especially the way his pent-up release feels like heaven crashing over his body in a tidal wave and sweeping him off his feet. he moans, shuddering with a sweet cry when you gasp in that cute voice of yours as you realize he came.

panting, satoru slumps on the bed, his hand and the bedsheets drenched in his seed. his eyes follow the mess he made to his phone, where spurts of sticky white land where your face is on the screen.

"you're sick." he knows you don't actually mean that. you're just in shock, right? turned on? maybe you'll even take off your pants, and he can get a glimpse of that sweet pussy… "i'm breaking up with you."

satoru is violently ripped out of his lust-filled fantasy as he grabs his phone in a flurry, cringing at how his fingers stick and smear over the metal. "no, no, no, no. i'm sorry, pretty baby; i didn't mean to make you mad."

pouting, a face that he knows garners your sympathy, he attempts to coo his words in a sickly sweet, desperate voice he knows you love. "i've just been so pent up without you and your pussy that i couldn't help myself. you were being so good for me, i couldn't hold it in anymore. :("

he holds the camera to his face, praying it captures not only the sad tone but also his frown and sad eyes of apology. "i'll be better next time, sweet girl, i promise."

your eyes move across your face before you stand and pace around your shared room, rubbing a hand over your eyes. "i hate you," you murmur, and his face lightens up with an ear-splitting grin as you grumble about how he could have at least done it with you. all was forgiven as far as he was concerned.

"ugh, you're disgusting. just… go clean up." sighing, you sit back on the bed, side-eyeing him when he doesn't move.

he perks up, grinning as his following retort comes to mind. "only if you talk me through it."

automated beeps from the now-ended call are the only things that reply.

©2023 cupidzgf. do not copy, translate, modify, or repost my content onto other sites without my permission

[wonwoonlight]

dear autumn / jeon wonwoo

➝ Wonwoo x Reader (ft. Joshua, Seungcheol, Mingyu, etc.)

➝ nonidol!au // angst???? // romance // fluff?????? // drama...ish??? // soulmate!au // somewhat past life!au

➝ word count: 18k (lol🧍🏻‍♀️) // playlist🎶

➝warnings: curses, lots of pov changes i'm sorry lol, i'm honestly not sure if the pace is a abrupt or not?, i'm not sure how you'll like this OC, she cries quite a lot towards the end sddfgd, that's about it i think

➝A/N: happy birthday, wonwoo❤ shoutout to @ahundredtimesover who's not even a carat but readily brainstormed with me when i asked🥺😭 also special thanks to @sleeplessdawn @twogyuu @savventeen for sparing your time to talk with me when i was unsure where to go with the plot💕💕 i'm gonna talk more on the author notes at the end instead of here. enjoy! hope you'll like this and don't hesitate to drop by and tell me what you think abt it even if you... don't like it sdjhfbsjhdf

In a world where everyone bears the soulmate mark to find the one heaven perfectly made for them, Wonwoo is an outlier with no marks in sight. But he has more pressing matters to attend to because he remembers his past life and the promise he made to his soulmate that he’d find her again no matter what. Alternatively, He didn’t think he’d be reborn in a world where you are made for someone else.

Wonwoo isn’t sure when it began. But he’s eighteen when he knows why they appeared and realizes that the memories in his head do not belong to his current lifetime.

They come to him through his dreams; sometimes long, sometimes short. At first, he thinks his mind is just playing games with him, but when he wakes up with an almost perfect recollection of whatever his older self in the dream did, he eventually realizes they aren’t simply dreams.

They’re his memories from another lifetime. Which one, he’s not sure. Wonwoo imagines they’re pieces of a puzzle–a very big one–making a bigger picture he doesn’t really understand at first until he does. Until it clicks one day why the dream has been getting longer and why he’s getting them in the first place.

He’s not himself when the dream happens, more like a shadow that watches from the sideline. He’s been seeing this older self of his for quite some time; he can’t be much older than he is now, probably in his mid twenties or so. 

It was weird at the beginning, knowing how he’d look (looked?) in the future (...in the past? Fuck, this is confusing), but it was even weirder to watch himself with a girl that he seemed to be so very much in love with. Not that he can’t blame his other self. They’re soulmates, after all, if the identical marks on their wrists mean anything.

The word doesn’t even sound bitter in his lips anymore, and he wonders if it ever was.

Sure, he used to question why he’s an outlier and why he deserved to have no one when everyone else around him has someone predestined for them–someone that the universe deems just right and someone that will complement them in ways unimaginable.

He’s never angry though. Just a little lonely.

It’s not easy to be surrounded by people who are happy with their fate, who have someone that they know is their person for as long as eternity allows them to live. People are subtle with their pity when it comes to him and Wonwoo would like to think it probably has to do with the fact that Wonwoo doesn’t seem bothered at all.

Outliers aren’t that rare; perhaps one every one hundred people or so, and they’re not ostracized from society, just that they need to handle the pitiful looks every now and then–which never stops being annoying.

Wonwoo knows there’s a community for people like him though he has never been one to seek companies. He’s fine the way he is. He’d attend their gatherings when it’s one of the rare days he feels like being social, but he doesn’t attend enough to feel any kind of kinship towards them. They’re just some people who he somewhat sympathizes with.

Naturally, it means the community becomes a place where people try to find their romantic partner. After all, it is frowned upon if you try to date someone with a soulmate even if they haven’t met their other half.

…Which makes it awkward when they break up because even if the community isn’t very small, they’re still a minority and they need to stick together.

Hence, Wonwoo never really bothers.

It’s not like he’s into the concept of romance. When he was a kid, it simply didn’t appeal to him. During high school, games were more worthy of his time than anything. And during university… How could he when he’s been dreaming of the same girl over and over again? Any other romance potential simply didn’t register in his mind. His parents, who obviously had no idea about the dreams, tried to talk to him about it; to try dating and find love but quickly changed their insistence once they realized their son wasn’t too bothered himself. 

He doesn’t even know if she’s alive in this lifetime, and yet…

“You’re really moving, huh?” Seungcheol brings him out of his mind, reminds him that he’s packing and he needs to get things done.

“They knew I’d be the one most willing to move away.” He shrugs. “Everyone else has their significant other here. Pretty sure they asked Namjoon first but with his pregnant wife and all–yeah.”

“I’m sure you’re still a choice because you’re competent.” The older guy reassures him. “What do you need me to do to help?”

“Help me throw away those bags in the living room, please.”

“Got it.”

Five minutes later, Seungcheol pops back into his bedroom.

“Are you throwing this away too?”

Wonwoo looks at the postcard in his hands, a look of recognition passes through his face before he takes it from him before he says he’s keeping it. The older guy throws him a curious look, but Wonwoo doesn’t offer any explanation so he leaves him be and returns to the living room.

“Autumn, huh.” He mutters to himself as he stares at the rows of yellow trees and ginkgo leaves adorning the ground on the postcard.

Autumn in the city is beautiful, Wonwoo has heard. He doesn’t know how it would be more beautiful there than here with the buildings and the busy lifestyle, but perhaps he’ll take the time to find out now that he’s moving there.

Maybe he’ll find out once he’s seen it himself.

And maybe…

Maybe he’ll also–

“Should we have some jjajangmyeon for lunch? I’m starving, man. Think I’d be able to eat two servings and an entire plate of dumplings. What about ordering some shrimp also? I think–”

Yeah.

Maybe.

Four months pass by in a blink and July comes around.

The city life is better than Wonwoo expected, but it’s not like he has any particular expectations to begin with. He’s a twenty six years old doing a regular job, living a regular life. He doesn’t have any grand plans in life, doesn’t strive to climb the corporate ladder nor make any difference in the world.

By theory, he should be some kind of a main character: an outlier with no soulmate mark and memories of a past life? Wonwoo would’ve written a book had he possessed any sort of literature gifts. But he can even barely express himself, let alone pour them into writings, so there goes his spotlight. 

Plus, it’s not like he has ever told anyone about the memories. He tries looking things up online, and except for some ridiculous claims that were eventually proved to be false, he barely finds anything about it that would help. And if he could find nothing in the wonderful, vast world that is the internet, he doubts he would find answers in the real world.

So he’s just another guy. Another Jeon Wonwoo in the sea of people that would pass by people’s lives and lots would forget about.

And he doesn’t mind.

He really doesn’t.

But if there’s anything he could wish for…

He looks down at the small birthday cake his brother has ordered from the delivery app for him on behalf of his parents, the package greeting him in front of his door when he has just gotten back from work. He doesn’t really celebrate his birthdays, and usually only does so if the people around him encourage him to, namely Seungcheol and his family.

Though, now that he’s actually by himself in a city he’s still trying to get familiar with, it does feel a little lonely to be celebrating it alone, if you can even call it that. At least there’s a cake from his family and he might as well keep up with the tradition.

He lights up the ‘27’ candle and stares at it for a few seconds before he closes his eyes and makes a wish. A familiar smile he’s only seen in his dreams flashes through his mind, the warmth of the small fire blankets his face for a few seconds before it goes out.

I hope I can find you… whoever you are.

He dreams of another memory that night.

But, for the first time, he’s not watching from the sideline. The love of his life is pressed to his side as she urges him to blow the candle and make a wish. She takes his face while hers scrunch up into a smile, wishing him ‘happy birthday’ that he doesn’t think is the first that day before leaning in to kiss him on the lips.

He catches a glimpse of the single ginkgo leaf on her right wrist, the same exact thing on his left.

Wonwoo wakes up with a jolt before he could taste her lips against his, a thunderstorm outside his window and another inside his heart.

Despite being born in the season, Wonwoo isn’t fond of summer.

It’s too hot and there’s almost nothing he can do about it. He would’ve stayed inside 24/7 if he could, but that’s out of the question because he needs to go to the office and the amount of people in the public transportation is not something he looks forward to.

He doesn’t like winter for basically the same reason: it’s too fucking cold.

Spring and autumn are nice. But Wonwoo has a pollen allergy so he can’t enjoy the blooming season even if he wants to.

So if someone asks what his favorite season is, he always says autumn.

Wonwoo isn’t sentimental enough to actually have opinions about seasons. Like he said, he doesn’t like summer and winter because they’re extremely hot and cold respectively. He doesn’t mind spring but he has pollen allergies. And so he’s left with autumn.

It’s all just practical.

But, if there’s one season that actually means something… it’d also be autumn. And it doesn’t even have much to do with the actual season. It’s the memories it carries.

Yeah, that’s what he’ll call it.

Memories.

Because no matter what–

“Get going, will you?” Someone grumbles and goes past him.

Right, another reason why he hates summer. People get (rightfully) annoyed all the time and everyone wants to hang out near the Han river, him being one of them.

What can he do? He was already outside due to prior meetings, it’s hot, and being near the body of water sounds like a good idea if there’s any. He just happens to be in the area and he supposes why not. It’s been quite some time since he’s spent some time outside by himself, anyway.

At least he’s by himself so it’ll be much easier to find a seat. –Or so he assumes as he sighs,  still trying to look for an empty spot to sit down ten minutes later. He doesn’t find any, if only because the only one-person spots available are surrounded by couples making googly eyes at each other.

Eventually, he finds one a little further away and settles there with his plastic bag filled with a canned highball and a bag of chips. It’s only somewhere after two in the afternoon, a weird time to be drinking alcohol, but he sighs blissfully at the first sip and stares mindlessly at the people around him.

He likes people watching, though he doesn’t make any grand scenarios about them in his head; simply thinks about how he’s only one of many in the sea of people. That he can be special but he chooses not to be. On the contrary, he likes to pretend that he’s normal; that he has a mark somewhere hidden on his body and he just simply hasn’t met his soulmate. That his dreams are simply dreams.

Or maybe they are nothing but dreams.

Maybe he’s simply thinking too much about them.

Maybe he’s just projecting the ideal life he’d have had he not been an outlier.

He blinks.

Why… had he not considered that before?

Sure, he feels too strongly about them (and Wonwoo isn’t even an emotional person) and is way too conscious because they feel real, but what if his head really is just messing with him? What if they really are just illusions and–

“Hey, sorry, do you mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full and you’re the only one by yourself so…”

Wonwoo looks up at the weirdly familiar voice, freezing when he recognizes the person in front of him at once, the word coming out of his mouth before he even can stop himself.

“Autumn?”

Surprise colors your face at the name, your head empty because you honestly have no idea what to think. You don’t even have it in you to be suspecting, just very fascinated and somewhat nostalgic in the matter of seconds.

It’s been some time since someone calls you ‘Autumn’; the nickname that your late grandfather would always call you by because he said it’s his favorite season and you’re his sweetest grandchild. A few of your relatives adopted the name even though they outgrew it almost immediately after your grandfather passed. You’ve never told anyone outside the family about the nickname, not even your closest friends, as you’d like to keep it dear to your heart.

And it still stings to think about it after his passing ten years ago.

Several seconds–minutes?–pass like that, with you and this stranger looking at each other, mouth a little ajar, unsure what to say. But he breaks the silence first, shakes his head before he apologizes.

“Uh, sorry. You just–umm, uh, look like someone I know. You can sit down, sure.”

You nod and whisper a ‘thanks’, holding back the urge to ask him about his friend who apparently looks like you and shares your old nickname. But the silence that looms over you both is a little suffocating, and your usual extroverted self who never hesitates to talk to new people seems to die in front of him as you ponder if it’s okay to start a conversation with this handsome stranger.

Perhaps it’s just the weird interaction earlier, you think to yourself, the memory of your grandfather and your favorite nickname that no one except your family knows filling your chest with warmth. The last time you heard someone referred to you by that name was probably a decade ago, and to be referred to ‘Autumn’ again after so long… you wonder if you should’ve told someone about it if it inflicts this much fondness within you.

Or maybe it wouldn’t be so special if you had.

“So you have a friend who looks like me and is called ‘Autumn’, huh?” You try to maintain a confident smile, pray that you’re simply imagining the slight shake in your voice.

The stranger flinches a little, a gesture that you’re not sure what to make of, but then he nods and offers you an awkward smile. “Yeah, something like that.”

“You know, it used to be some sort of my nickname as a kid.” You’re not sure why you’re telling him this, but you are and it’s almost comical the way his lips open a little in surprise before he mutters a small ‘I see’. You offer your name to him, and thank him once again for letting you share his spot.

“Don’t mind it.” He smiles tightly before returning the gesture, and you can’t help but wonder why the name Jeon Wonwoo rings something in your head even though you’re sure you haven’t met this guy. You’re pretty good when it comes to remembering names and faces. You’ve never had any friends called Wonwoo, though you recall there were probably some people from your year in school and university who share his name. 

Never a Jeon though. And he doesn’t look familiar at all, so you’re sure he’s not a friend of a friend that you might’ve seen in passing either, but… why does he feel familiar?

You shake your head before you let go of the thought, and then rummages through your bag to look for your drink. You take everything out of the way only to find your bottle lying sadly at the very bottom of your tote bag, when you look up again, you see Wonwoo glancing at the book you’ve put on the table.

On Soulmates: Love without Commitment

Xu Minghao

You hope the way you put everything back to your bag is subtle, like you’re not trying to hide the book you’ve been reading and the glimpse into your mind that people can easily decipher from your choice of literature alone. His face doesn’t tell you anything though, and it’s his next question that gets your heart beating in irregular beats.

“It’s quite the book, isn’t it?” He takes a sip from his can. “Gave me insights that I didn’t know I needed.”

“Right!” You reply with exaggerated enthusiasm. But can anyone blame you? Anyone who catches you reading that book always gives you the side eye, some people who are frontal even asked why you’re reading something that sounds as stupid as a flat earth. “I haven’t finished, but it’s so interesting to read why the author thinks soulmates aren’t it because it doesn’t give you a choice and everything about the relationship is a given. That perhaps the love that people who don’t have the soulmate marks might be purer because they choose to love and they put effort into it. I’m currently on chapter 7 and–”

You stop when you realize you’re rambling, words of apology on the top of your tongue when you see Wonwoo tilting his head in question. Not in judgement because you’re enthusiastic about it. Not in annoyance because you talk too much when it hasn’t even been twenty minutes since you’ve met him.

“Why are you stopping?” He asks, further making you speechless with the genuine interest in his voice. “Chapter 7 is about fate and destiny, isn’t it?”

You cough a little to hide your flustered face, a little too excited to finally find someone that isn’t against you reading this essay. You’ve been wanting to talk about it with someone–anyone–, all those hours you’ve spent on countless communities online with people who share the same sentiment as you not being enough.

“Yeah. I’m almost done with the chapter, though I haven’t been able to pick it up again these days.”

Wonwoo hums, seemingly deep in thought before he asks you again. “What do you think about it?”

“Fate and destiny?”

“Yeah.”

“I think it’s bullshit.”

He looks at you in surprise; whether it’s because of your choice of words or because of your opinion, you don’t know. But he doesn’t look like he’s going to jump at you for having such an opinion, so you continue even though he didn't ask you to.

“I’d hate to think that someone–something out there has enough power to decide what’s going to happen to us moving forward. That everything we do is predestined and that we have no choice whatsoever in life because it’s fated to be and it’s thanks to the universe that something happens a certain way.” And then you add, your voice comparably smaller as you suddenly realize you’re being too open with this stranger. “It feels… confining…”

He nods as he opens his bag of chips, putting it right in the middle as if telling you it’s okay to take some.

“I agree.” He doesn’t meet your eyes as he says this, looking straight over the Han river like he’ll find an actual answer there. “If it’s true, it’s very cruel for some people to know that their life is fated to be miserable and can do nothing but accept it.”

“Right? And, personally, I don’t know how I feel about the soulmates concept. You know how in the book it says that soulmates might take each other for granted because they’re meant to be together? Or that they simply accept the other person because, apparently, they’re their person? What if the universe messed up and you’re paired with a serial killer or something?”

Wonwoo looks at you alarmed, and you laugh before you say that you’re just speaking in general. He hesitates before he asks, unsure about where you actually are when it comes to soulmates. Are you this opinionated because you don’t have a soulmate? His heart skips a beat at the thought of it; or perhaps you simply hate the idea of it regardless. But before he can actually ask the question, his eyes fall to the side of your neck, and he notices the strings of flowers on the side of your neck, something that you also notice–so you clear your throat to dart his attention away.

“You feel… strongly about it, don’t you?” Wonwoo settles it at that, not wanting to offend you somehow. He doesn’t deny the mixed feeling in his heart as he realizes what it means. You have a soulmate. Even though there’s a chance that you don’t want them, you still have a soulmate and whatever feeling that’s brewing on the pit of his stomach, it’s not a good one.

What was he expecting, anyway? That if somehow he found you in this lifetime–which he did, what the fuck. It’s you who found him, even–you’d happily take him in your arms? The bitter taste on his mouth is getting worse by the seconds, only now realizing that even though he’s been wishing he’d find you, he never has any real plan about what to do if he actually did.

It helps that he doesn’t actually think he would, so he can hold on to it like a dream that would never come true. Something he holds dear in his heart but doesn’t really need to take responsibility for because it’s not going to happen. Something that somewhat keeps him going and some sort of wishful thinking.

You shrug, not offering any explanation.

He doesn’t press.

“I think.” He begins, looking at you this time, and if anyone ever asks, you’re going to deny the way your heartbeat picks up and up and up the more he looks into your eyes, your face getting hot like a high school girl with a crush. “You can always go against your destiny if that’s what you choose to do. If fate and destiny actually exist, who is there to say that what the universe has decided for you is your best path? Perhaps it’s just one of many and you can try taking another road to see if you’ll like it more. Even if they exist, it doesn’t mean you have to follow them all the time.”

You lay in bed thinking about his words that night, wondering if it’s as easy as he makes it to be to get away from your path and try a new one.

You dream of Wonwoo, a birthday cake, and a ginkgo leaf mark that you’re sure was not on Wonwoo’s wrist when you saw him earlier that day.

You wake up wishing you’ll meet him again.

Joshua, you’ve always known, is the ideal partner that anyone could ask for. He’s sweet, he takes care of you well, is respectful, and you honestly feel bad for not returning even half of what he feels for you.

You love him, you really do, but you don’t think what you feel for him is strong enough to be considered in the same league with the love that people believe soulmates should have for each other. It’s nowhere near there.

You love him, he’s very important to you, and you’ll drop anything for him if he needs you. But you know something’s wrong when Joshua starts talking about living together, marriage, and family, and dread is the only thing that fills your chest.

You know something’s wrong when you don’t feel the butterfly nor the fireworks that everyone–and you mean everyone–says they experience when they meet their soulmates.

It was nothing like that for you; you knew he’s your soulmate, and if there’s anything right about what people said regarding your first meeting, it’s true that it just clicked that it’s your soulmate in front of you. But your heartbeat picked up for all the wrong reasons that didn’t have anything to do with rush of excitement nor romantic expectation. You were a little anxious, even, but you couldn’t do anything when Joshua immediately recognized the feeling once his eyes met yours and he ran to you like he’d give you the world right that very second.

There was nothing magical about it.

You’re not sure how you feel either about the universe giving you the perfect partner by theory, but also somehow shaping you into a person that believes the whole soulmate thing is bullshit. It doesn’t seem to matter whether Joshua notices your lack of romantic reciprocation or not, because Joshua still treats you like you’re the love of his life and he looks at you like you’re his whole galaxy.

Or perhaps he mistakes the way you care for him as romance?

What a fucking drama you live in.

“What got you thinking?” You blink at his voice, and Joshua looks at you amused as he settles right beside you despite the heaps of empty space on your sofa. “You’ve been zoning out a lot these days.”

“Have I?” You ask, accepting the way his arm automatically goes behind you on top of the sofa head. You like his warmth, you really do. You like–no–you admit that you love a lot of things about Joshua and you’re glad you met him even though you absolutely abhor the soulmate system.

You love his eyes, the way they seem to stare into your soul and are able to tell what’s inside your mind most of the time.

You love his hands, they always know to wrap around yours when you need it most, pull you closer when you stray away because something distracts you along the way.

You love his voice, so calm and soothing that you would ask him to talk you to sleep through the phone on nights sleep refuses to find you, the way he’ll hum when he’s in a good mood though he never actually sings in front of you because he says he can’t carry an actual tune otherwise. (Two years since you’ve found each other and you’re still on a mission to make him sing because you just knew he sings well.)

But, most of all, you love the way he treats you.

The way he’ll ask if he’s not sure what you want him to do, the way he’ll carefully thread through your mood when the day hasn’t been good, and the way he gives you space even if he wants to be near you all the time.

He respects you. Not only as his soulmate but also as a person, and you can’t thank him enough for that.

Perhaps that’s why it hurts much more now; why guilt is eating you inside out because you can only think about Wonwoo and his words when Joshua is right next to you, his thigh pressed against yours and his thumb caressing your shoulder over your shirt.

If fate and destiny actually exist, who is there to say that what the universe has decided for you is your best path? 

You force back the tears before they can actually form, gulping before you tell him it’s nothing.

“Should we go out?”

“Where?”

“Hmmm. Namsan? We can take a walk, get you off your mind.” His smile is kind, and you feel like crying again because of how considerate Joshua is. He doesn’t even ask, doesn’t push even once just in case you’ll crack. He simply accepts that you don’t want to talk about it and offers you something that might help.

Why the fuck aren’t you in love with him when he’s your soulmate and he’s as perfect as someone could be?

His arms envelop you and thrust you into his chest before you could break, and you manage to hold it for three full seconds before the tears stubbornly fall and you whimper softly into his hold. Joshua doesn't say anything, doesn’t hush you and asks if you’re okay.

No.

He accepts that you’re not okay and you don’t want to tell him about it. That you’re crying and he feel so fucking useless because he can’t do anything to help you with it.

That you’re hiding something from him that’s possibly making you cry even though you never did before. 

Still, he holds you close and lets you cry.

You grasp the front of his shirt as you try your best to stop your tears. You don’t even know why you’re crying this much, but you suppose between the stressful week and the whole Wonwoo situation, the guilt combined with Joshua’s innocent look trigger something within you.

“I’ll just get you some water.” He whispers against your head once you’ve calmed down, squeezes your shoulder and then lets you go. He’s back not even a minute later, and you thank him as you take your mug, embarrassed when you wipe the remaining of your tears off your face. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” You manage to whisper, too embarrassed to even look him in the eyes. 

His smile is meant to be comforting, but thinking yet again about the reason why you even cried to begin with, it only makes your heart squeezes painfully.

“You probably need it. You know I won’t judge.” He caresses your cheek as if to make sure to get rid of all traces of tears there. He searches for your face, as if he can tell what’s inside your mind just by doing so, and for a moment, you’re afraid that he really can; that he’ll see the man that you’ve met once some time last week clouding your mind like there’s no tomorrow.  “Do you want to go for a walk anyway? Perhaps you need to get out of the house for a bit?”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” You reach up to circle your fingers around his wrist, smiling back at him because despite everything, you’re still thankful that the universe thinks you’re deserving of someone like him. You’re still thankful that you get to be on the receiving end of his affection.

Joshua leans forward to kiss your forehead, lingering for a good few seconds before he tells you to get ready.

It doesn’t take you too long to get ready, nor does it take long for you two to arrive at Namsan. Climbing the stairs to get to the park, Joshua asks instead if you’re willing to just go further up to get to the peak where the tower is. You’re not exactly dressed for climbing (though it’s really just stairs, stairs, and more stairs), nor are you in the mood for it, but you think exhausting your body is just what you might just need so you can pass out the moment you reach your bed later on.

He extends his hand, and you take it with a smile despite the pinch in your heart. You spend the first ten minutes in silence, hand in hand as you ascend up the seemingly never-ending stairs.

Already out of breath, you begin to doubt your decision of climbing up when Joshua speaks. 

“I haven’t gone here in so long.” Undeniably, it’s a very nice weather out. You being out of breath has more to do with your lack of exercise on a daily basis more than anything, but even in your predicament you can still appreciate the night view around you. As much as you feel like dying right now, you know you don’t actually regret it.

“Yeah? Me too.” You grip his hand tighter for support, then ask if you could rest for a bit when you see a rest stop. Joshua laughs as you ask this, though he nods and hands you a piece of chocolate the moment you both sit down on an empty bench overlooking Seoul from where you’re at.

“You’re a lifesaver.” You moan as you take a bite of the chocolate, leaning your head on his shoulder and stretching your legs. “I haven’t climbed in so long. My legs will fall tomorrow, I’m sure.”

“I’ll run a bath for you before I go home tonight.”

You try to trample the way your heartbeat picks up; not because you’re fluttered, but because you’re once again eaten with guilt by how perfect Joshua really is. He doesn’t exactly know how you feel about soulmates; you’re not cruel enough to say things right to his face. 

But you know for sure that he’s aware of your choice of literature.

He doesn’t comment on them, and you try not to read them when he’s around. But he once caught you reading on your phone over your shoulder and you sheepishly said you simply find those essays interesting.

Joshua isn’t stupid, knows that there’s a reason why you find them interesting, but he chooses to be in ignorant bliss and says you’re free to read whatever you want and there’s no need to justify yourself to him of all people.

Yeah, because it’s totally normal that your soulmate is interested in reading essays on why soulmates are bullshits.

Forty minutes later with some short breaks along the way, you finally reach the top. There aren’t as many people, and you walk around for a bit to let your legs relax before finding yet another bench to sit on.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been here at night.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm. Sure is different from being here during the day.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Joshua agrees, his palm absentmindedly caresses your thigh as if it helps relieve your sore muscle.

“Should we have some cup ramyeons?” You suggest, pointing to the convenience store you pass by earlier. “I think I can do some if I share with you.”

Joshua nods, but before he can offer to go, you tell him he can rest instead.

“I’ll go get it. Should I buy two or are you fine just sharing one with me?”

“Two is fine.”

“And the usual drink?”

“And the usual drink.” He grins. “You sure you can take everything by yourself?”

You roll your eyes in mock annoyance, exhaling a ‘duh’ as you tell him to just wait.

Pleased that the convenience store isn’t crowded either, you hum as you go through the snack isles instead. Knowing yourself, you’ll probably only eat two thirds of the cup ramyeon and wolf down the snack instead if you buy some; but you don’t see why not because Joshua’s there to finish your food anyway. Plus, it’s a nice night out and that’s enough to justify your choice of dinner.

Juggling two big cups of instant noodles, a packet of cheese, a hotbar, and a bag of shrimp chips isn’t your talent, but you manage and you drop them on the cashier before quickly telling the cashier you’re just going to grab a drink real quick.

Almost bumping into the person behind you, your apology is stuck in your throat once you realize who’s the person exactly.

What the fuck.

“Oh…” Wonwoo says in surprise, the words seemingly out of his mouth before he even realizes. “Hi…?”

You give him an awkward smile and nod before quickly going to the drink aisle. Apologizing once again to the cashier who’s still scanning your purchase (and to Wonwoo) once you return even though it’s barely been five seconds.

“Need help?” Wonwoo says good-naturedly, gesturing to the amount of things you’ve just bought.

“Hey, I–”

Wonwoo looks at you staring between him and the guy who has just entered. Getting the hints immediately that his help isn’t needed, he smiles before paying for his stuff and leaves the convenience store.

He looks spitefully at the night sky, it’s so unnecessarily pretty too, unsure if he wants to curse whatever’s up there that of all days he decides to go outside, he just has to see you again. With another guy at that. He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. The guy could simply be your friend for all he knew.

But if there’s one thing that is Wonwoo, he’s quick to put pieces together. From your panicked glance and the way you tense when you see him, he knows. Perhaps it’s also just intuition. But he just knew that man, whoever he is, is the one that heaven has decided to be the one for you.

He exhales a deep breath before finding a secluded place somewhere behind a tree, carefully hidden to minimize any chance of being seen by you (or seeing you with your soulmate). He would’ve immediately left if he could, but he’s only arrived and it feels like it’s such a waste for him to leave just like that despite the situation.

What even is the situation?

He’s been thinking a lot since he met you, if he wants to seek you out again and what he wants to do if he does. The thought is no longer so much of a wishful thinking like it used to be. He knows you exist now. You’re actually living, you’re real, and you have a soulmate that is not him.

It sounds so much like an exaggeration, but he’s never felt so empty after going home that night, thinking about you and your soulmate. Do you live together? Do you care about him regardless of your stance on the whole soulmate thing? Does he treat you well? Does he get to hold you while you sleep? Does he–Fuck.

Wonwoo hates being like this, and he’d love to say it’s gotten better the more time passes by, but it has only gotten even worse because his dream is getting longer and even more prominent since meeting you. And what he hates most is he’s started to feel more and more strongly about you even through his dreams.

What is one supposed to do when they fall in love with an illusion that has a counterpart living in the realm of reality? He’s pretty sure no one would have the answer.

He glances up at the sound of faint laughter, seemingly so loud in the silent night, or perhaps he simply picks it up because he knows exactly who it belongs to before he even sees you. He bites his lip at the scene he’s witnessing: you, laughing with your soulmate at god knows what.

He can’t blame the guy for looking at you like you hold the universe for him. After all, Wonwoo would probably do exactly the same thing had he been given the chance. His past self from another life could vouch for that.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, he’s not sure, you end up sitting a good distance away from where he’s at, your back facing him as you settle beside the man destined to be with you. You’re not too far that he can’t see your side profile, which gets his heart both squeezing in pain and fluttering at the same time.

He doesn’t even know that was possible.

Wonwoo looks far to the distance, at the endless night sky that’s so unnecessarily full of stars today of all day. He wants to think the universe is mocking him, playing a joke on him for being alone by himself on such a beautiful night, making him watch you laughing with your soulmate as the cherry on top.

But he knows he’s not that special.

He’s just one of many; his misery wouldn’t be all that amusing for the universe.

Scoffing at the thought of the universe, he lowers his eyes from the sky only to accidentally meet yours.

Is this the work of the universe too?

Nah, he shouldn’t give too much credit to the damn thing. But, then again, blaming it for every single thing that went wrong in his life has proved to be some kind of comfort if he’s being completely honest.

You offer him a small smile anyway, not even waiting for him to return the gesture.

It hurts still to see you with your soulmate, sharing food and talking about what he assumes to be nothing and everything. But as he lays in bed that night and thinks about your smile, he admits that if the universe lets him meet you in this lifetime, perhaps it isn’t so bad, after all.

Wonwoo has always liked the number three.

Third’s time the charm and all that jazz. He doesn’t hold on to it religiously, just some fun little routine that he finds amusing. When he takes an item in a grocery store, he takes the third one from the front; when he goes to the convenience store because he needs one (1) thing, he takes two small snacks so it’s three items in total; on the rare days when Wonwoo feels like trying a new drink in a cafe, he’d just choose the third item in the menu.

It’s fun.

Today, Wonwoo’s supposed to meet Mingyu for a little get together. He’s the first friend he’s made in Seoul, a guy that’s a little too flashy for his liking but is still a good person nevertheless and definitely a much better company than most people that he’s made to be acquainted with in the new city. 

He’s not too excited about the invitation, but doesn’t see why he should turn the younger guy down when he has no plan during the weekend, and, as much as he loves staying inside, the four walls of his apartment is starting to feel a little suffocating because it’s almost been a month since that night he randomly went to Namsan and saw you, and… he hasn’t gone out for anything that’s not a necessity since then.

So when Mingyu asks for the third time since they got to know each other if he wants to join him on a night out or not, he decides he should also appreciate the guy’s persistence despite already being turned down twice before.

Anyway.

He was supposed to meet him for a little get together. Apparently, Mingyu’s version of ‘a little get together’ is to invite a group of friends that Wonwoo obviously doesn’t know for dinner and only notifying him of the additional party thirty minutes before their promised time.

He exhales. It’s too late for him to bail. Right now, his hope is only as high as the ground: he simply wishes he wouldn’t return home socially exhausted.

It’s a small pizza diner inside an alleyway where they promised to meet. And Mingyu along with his friends thankfully arrive at the same time as him so Wonwoo wouldn’t need to go inside and look around like a fool, wondering where his table full of strangers and a slightly familiar friend is.

He’s not close enough with Mingyu to say he’s comfortable around him, but he’s still the most familiar face between the four faces in front of him so he decides sitting next to Mingyu is the best choice. Thankfully, the younger guy doesn’t seem to be the type to push him to interact with new people immediately.

Thirty minutes into dinner, Wonwoo can tell Mingyu probably brings these friends around because he thinks Wonwoo needs to meet new people (or maybe he thinks it’ll be awkward if it’s just the two of them?). It’s easy to tell that he’s brought the friendliest people who’s just loud enough, who understand that Wonwoo’s quiet but still able to naturally included him in conversations without making him feel bad about being, well, quiet (god knows how many people have tried to make him feel bad for staying quiet during conversations).

Jungkook is a friend from high school, he’s learned, apparently one of Mingyu’s closest friends. Jeonghan is a senior from his previous company; someone that he didn’t know he’d end up being close with because, at first, Jeonghan was obviously just someone he had to work together with. Jisoo, he finds out later on, is Jungkook’s ex-girlfriend before he found his soulmate, though they treasure their friendship too much to cut each other off.

Except for Jungkook, the other two friends seem a little unconventional and Wonwoo doesn’t understand how Mingyu ends up being close enough with them to go out together like this.

He doesn’t ask.

“We’re planning on bar hopping.” Mingyu tells him, and Wonwoo feels dread fill his chest at what this might imply until Mingyu adds, “You’re free to leave if you don’t want to go with us though! I understand it might not be everyone’s thing.”

Weirdly, Wonwoo now wants to go because he’s been given the freedom of choice. Plus, at least he knows he’d be surrounded by these people and he can go home at any time if he wants to.

“What kind of bar?”

“Definitely not clubs pretending to be a bar.” Mingyu jokes. “Maybe wine or cocktail bars?”

“Sure, I’ll come then.” Wonwoo shrugs, then tells Mingyu he’ll probably return home first if he and his friends are planning to go until morning, to which Mingyu nods and says that it’s no problem at all.

Wonwoo doesn’t really understand the concept of bar hopping. He’s always been curious about it, but never curious enough to actually do it. So he supposes it’s also his curiosity that pushes him to say yes. He kind of wants to see what it’s all about and he doesn’t think he’d have another opportunity where he might remotely enjoy the experience if not now.

The first cocktail bar isn’t that great, if only because the place is small and it feels like everyone can hear what they’re talking about. They each have one drink and immediately leave for the next one. They go to a wine bar, and Wonwoo is pleased to know the alcohol in his system (and the current company, he’s sure) has made him more relaxed than he had been the past week. 

After an hour or so, Mingyu decides he’s had too much energy and asks if it’s okay to move to an open bar that’s not as noisy as a club but is still noisy enough for people to enjoy the music and fill the dancing floor.

Normally, Wonwoo would say no. But he surprisingly still has enough social battery and thinks might as well go all out while he’s at it. It’s not often that he’s in a social mood.

The bar is a little too noisy for Wonwoo’s liking, though the half part of the building has no roof so it’s not too loud nor suffocating. After ordering their drinks, Mingyu and Jungkook head to the dance floor. Jisoo and Jeonghan stay at the table with him; Jisoo says she’s not really in the mood to dance while Jeonghan says his soulmate is picking him up in a bit so he’s just going to stick around til then.

It’s thirty minutes later that he leaves and Wonwoo’s now left alone with Jisoo. It’s not uncomfortable, but it is a little awkward and Jisoo seems to share the sentiment as she tries to find topics to talk about.

They end up talking about literature and movies, and Wonwoo has to lean forward to be able to listen to her clearly over the music until she eventually moves to sit next to him so they can talk easier. He notices Jungkook glancing every now and then, and when Jisoo follows his gaze, she chuckles a little and shakes her head.

“Sorry. It’s just a habit of his, don’t mind him.”

Wonwoo blinks, unsure. “Why are you apologizing?”

“I know a lot of people find his stares uncomfortable.” She shrugs. “He’s just protective of me. It’s nothing, I promise.”

Wonwoo’s not nosy. But between the alcohol in his system, his remote curiosity, and the way Jisoo looks like she wants to talk about it, he kindly throws the bait.

A subtle one, though.

“How did you end up being close with Mingyu?”

“Through Kook, at first.” Mingyu and Jeonghan don’t refer to Jungkook with that name, he notes. And a part of him wonders if it’s a nickname that Jisoo has for him or if it’s just how his girl friends call him. “We dated before. But we broke up because, well, he found his soulmate and… Mingyu was kind enough to keep me company and made sure I was okay after the whole ordeal. I’m not sure why he felt the need to do that, but I’m thankful regardless. So… yeah.”

He bites the question about soulmates. Doesn’t ask why they tried dating each other if they knew they aren’t soulmates, but he does wonder about how she must’ve felt or how she’s feeling right now. He can’t exactly compare his situation with hers, because as much as he’s going through a… heartbreak, it’s somewhat onesided while Jisoo actually had a relationship with Jungkook.

And she still has to be friends with him.

He doesn’t know if it’s the universe or Jungkook that is cruel.

Or perhaps Jisoo is a masochist.

Apparently, she’s also very honest when she’s tipsy.

“I’m an outlier.” She smiles bitterly after downing a shot, then she pulls up the sleeve of her cardigan and shows him what he assumes to be a trace of a soulmate mark; a faint outline of a snowflake that’s barely visible unless you actually take a look at her wrist. “I hav–had a soulmate. They died before I even met them and that’s why the mark… burned.”

Her chuckle is nowhere near amused when Wonwoo’s eyes widen in surprise, and she answers before he even asks as she pulls down the sleeve of her cardigan.

“It literally burned. I was sixteen; and I was out with Jungkook getting ice cream when it started to burn and he had to witness me being all hysterical, crying as I told him my wrist burnt and it felt like it’s going to fall off.” She doesn’t look bitter at all as she talks about this, just very sad and perhaps even a tad bit nostalgic. “He was fourteen. A little shorter than I was at that point, but he tried his best to tug me to a secluded place so people wouldn’t stare despite my struggle because everything hurt and I just felt like crying, hugged me to muffle my scream, and stayed with me for hours after that even though I was just zoning out, not saying anything.”

Wonwoo isn’t sure if it’s a story for him to hear; but Jisoo looks like she needs it (or is it just the alcohol?) and the least he could do is to listen. At least he can rest easy knowing this story wouldn’t be going anywhere else.

“I knew what happened even though I didn’t know by theory. I could feel it; felt the connection that was only faintly there just… gone. Jungkook took me home and told my parents about what happened. Of course they knew what it meant and they thanked him before sending him home. I couldn’t really talk for weeks, the emptiness and the burn were too prominent for me to be doing anything. My parents told the school I was sick so I was dismissed from classes.”

She pauses, and for the first time, Wonwoo can tell exactly what she’s feeling: she’s numb and she’s exhausted. There’s no trace of tears in her eyes. They’re void of anything and Wonwoo suddenly feels an odd sense of affinity the more he listens to her.

“Jungkook… stopped by everyday even though he didn’t know what actually happened. He probably had an idea, but he didn’t press and he talked to me about anything and everything even if I didn’t say anything–said from the beginning that I didn’t need to answer, that he’d do all the talking for me.”

Wonwoo doesn’t need to listen to the rest of the story to know why Jisoo still treasures Jungkook as…, well, whatever she regards him as right now. He doesn’t want her to talk about more sad things like how she ended up dating him and how she broke up with him, so he offers her what he could: honesty and a change of topic.

Even if it’s only a little.

“I’m an outlier also.” He says quietly that Jisoo almost misses it. “Doesn’t have a soulmate but… it’s complicated.”

Thankfully, Jisoo doesn’t pry, simply takes another shot and offers a cheer to him.

“Sucks to be us.” 

It’s weird, but Wonwoo finds himself chuckling before he takes his own drink and clinks his glass to hers and takes a sip of his highball.

“Sucks to be us.”

His mind wanders to you, thinking if he could stand being in Jisoo’s place had it been like that for him. He had only seen you with your soulmate from afar, had only talked to you once, and it hurts anyway.

Why is he cursed with the memories of his previous life, again?

He’s been mentally restless since that night. How could he not when he keeps on seeing you everywhere? His dreams are getting more and more prominent and so are his feelings. He keeps on thinking he sees you somewhere–everywhere–only to realize it’s not you, just ghosts of you haunting him in every person that he sees.

How fucking stupid, falling in love with a series of images and illusions.

Drinking the rest of his drink, he shakes his head and winces at the alcohol and at how his mind is playing tricks once again. Perhaps drinking alcohol hasn’t been the best option if he ends up imagining you even here between the blurry images of people.

Fuck, he’s down bad.

In such perfect timing, Mingyu and Jungkook return to the table, so Wonwoo leaves Jisoo with them and excuses himself to the restroom. He looks at himself in the mirror, and then looks at his phone only to realize it’s already almost one in the morning. Perhaps it’s time he goes home; the talk he’s shared with Jisoo proves to be more mentally exhausting than he thinks it is.

He almost bumps into someone on his way out, hands reaching out to the person in front of him in reflex only to let go just as quick once he sees your face once again. Christ, is he that drunk? He really needs to go home.

That version of you is very pretty too, fuck.

“Uh… Wonwoo?” He’s even imagining your voice now? “Are you… okay?”

He looks up in alarm once he realizes you’re real. It’s actually you in front of him and you’re not a figment of his imagination. He opens his mouth to say something, but someone bumps into you hard and you tumble into his chest.

Wonwoo’s breath is caught in his throat at the turn of events, but his arm catches you anyway and glares at the guy before he looks down and asks if you’re okay. You look as flustered as he’s feeling, and he hopes the loud music is enough to cover the sound of his heartbeat.

“You’re okay?” It’s stupid how disappointment fills his chest the moment you step away, a sense of longing already making its way to his heart.

He needs to get away.

“I—yeah.” You look unsure and Wonwoo doesn’t like how your body screams uneasiness.

“Are you by yourself?”

“No?” Now you sound unsure, and even though Wonwoo is also another stranger in the sea of strangers, he thinks he trusts himself better than any other people here to help you if you don’t want to be here. “Well, I was with my friend but she… yeah.”

You’re biting your lip, as if afraid he’d scold you (Why would he? He’s not your boyfriend (Wait. No. Back pedal, back pedal)). Fuck, fuck, fuck. He swallows hard to calm himself down; this is not the time to imagine what it’d be like to be your boyfriend.

“Come on.” He says as calmly as possible, his fingers balled into a fist to stop himself from taking your hand in his. He considers bringing you to his table, but he doesn’t know how he should introduce you to his party so he quickly texts Mingyu he’s going home because something turns up before he leads you out of the club.

It’s silence filling you two despite the somewhat noisy alley you’re walking through, and you don’t know Wonwoo enough to be able to tell if he’s pissed or what; but he does seem tense and you’re the one uncomfortable with the unnerving silence.

“I’m–I’m sorry.” You try to open a conversation. Wonwoo stops in his tracks and turns to you in confusion. “You were probably there to have fun or something… Sorry I made you get me out of there.”

He shakes his head, and your heart relaxes when he smiles a little. “It’s fine. About time I go back anyway. Do you mind if we stop by a convenience store for a bit?”

It’s then that you realize you’ve been blindly following him. You don’t even know the guy. You’ve met him twice before, and your second meeting barely even lasts five minutes, yet you readily follow him because you know you’ll be more comfortable with him than there–more safe, more… secure.

Fuck, you didn’t even ask him where he’s taking you earlier. It was almost automatic the way you followed his steps. You try to convince yourself that it’s his familiarity that makes you feel safe. Because even if you don’t know him that well, his face is still one imprinted in your head so it’s normal that you’d feel safer than you would with any other person in that club.

Plus, you’ve talked to him once before and he at least passed the vibe check, right?

But as you pile these thoughts in your head, trying to justify the uncalled feeling of security this stranger brings you, deep down you know why exactly your anxiety seeps away at the sight of him earlier, why your shoulders drop down in relief, and why your chest is no longer filled with dread. 

“Here, have this.”

That’s why. You think to yourself.

Wonwoo isn’t smiling at you, but there’s a kind of warmth that he radiates as he hands you a drink and ushers you to sit on the table in front of the convenience store. There’s a certain warmth that reaches you as he sits in front of you and places a hot bun on the table, pushes it towards you without saying anything.

You watch him slot his hands into the pocket of his jackets, and you suddenly wonder if he gets cold easily. It’s not that cold outside, though you suppose it is one in the morning and the wind picks up a little at times like this.

“Thanks.” You mumble as you wrap your fingers around the small bottle of warm honey water. You can’t help but smile at the drink of his choice, a little funny how he didn’t get you a hot chocolate or tea; something most people would usually get. “Can I ask why honey?”

He blinks, as if not getting what you’re talking about until you hold up the glass bottle for him to see.

Wonwoo panics a little. He has bought the drink without thinking, a part of his mind that stores the information about you from his dream making him do so. In fact, it was only yesterday that he dreamt of you drinking one.

The dream is still vivid in his mind. He dreamt of you sleeping, and he assumed he was trying to sleep himself when you jolted awake out of nowhere, eyes frantic and hands flailing around looking for him. He saw himself whispering words of comfort to you, and he saw you burying yourself into him like there’s any space between the two of you before he pulled away and said he’d get you some drink from the kitchen.

You had smiled weakly at the sight of your favorite drink, a warm honey water that always comforted you at nights like this.

“Do you not like it? I can get you something else if you want?”

“No, it’s fine.” You smile, something inside you blooming dangerously at his words and what you may or may not be implying with yours. “Just… I usually drink those too. Some of my friends judge me for that.”

He’s more surprised about the fact that you share this with your past self more than anything, but, still, he asks. “Huh? Why?”

“Just because it’s unusual, I suppose.” Shrugging, you proceed to open the lid and take a sip. “Not a lot of people drink this, you know? Or, at least, they drink it cold. I prefer it warm.”

He wonders if you share anything else with your past self. So far, there’s been two: Autumn and this drink. Would you be suspicious if he threw it out there? Would you freak out?

“Someone I know eats watermelon only if it’s frozen; I’m sure it's just a preference on your part.”

You smile shyly as you answer him, an image that’s forever burned into his mind. “I do that also.”

His mind runs a thousand hundred scenarios of what this could mean, wonders if it’s simply a coincidence or if the universe is on to something.

“Aren’t you special,” he smiles tightly, hoping  that you don’t catch upon his awkwardness.

“Thank you for putting it that way.” The sound of your laughter makes him want to be selfish; to drag out conversations and spend as much time as possible with you even though he knows you have a soulmate. Is it considered cheating like this? Is he immoral for wanting this? “My friends also judge me because I don’t like cheese cake, cheese sauce and anything cheese flavored even though I don’t mind an actual cheese.”

“You… don’t like cheese cake?” Wonwoo blinked, unsure if he heard right. He wasn’t a cheese lover or anything, but he didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone who grimaced at the word ‘cheese cake’.

“They’re too… cheesy.”

“Autumn, it’s called cheese cake for a reason.”

“And the texture… yuck.” You grimaced before telling him to stop talking about it before you lose your appetite.

“Are you judging me too?” Your voice snaps him out of his gaze, and he blinks a few times before he shakes his head no. This can’t be good, fuck. It’s been less than 10 minutes since he’s been talking to you, and yet his heartbeat is out of control and the fact that you share a lot of things with the illusion of yourself that he’s developed an attachment for isn’t good at all. 

He tries his best to remind himself that his feeling isn’t real; that perhaps he’s too blinded by something that he’s been holding on to and he doesn’t know what to do now that it’s somewhat changing. That he’s confused and he shouldn’t do anything that would cause him further confusion.

But with you in front of him, as real as you can be, smiling and launching into a bunch of topics that is actually dear to his heart, he can’t help but indulge his feelings and bask in your presence, in your smile and your voice, in the sound of your laughter and the way you lean forward so you can speak to him better, a habit that he notices the you in his dream also had.

So he lets go.

Whatever consequence that awaits him, he’ll face it when it comes. Right now, he just wants to pretend like you don’t have a soulmate who’s probably waiting for you back home–who may be worried sick because you haven’t looked at your phone even once since the moment he sits down in front of you. 

Wonwoo isn’t usually selfish and he hopes that the universe will let him go this one time for wanting to be–for wanting to keep you to himself even for a limited time. Even if you aren’t aware of it.

This chance might not come again, he tells himself. The chance of talking to you under the stars in front of a random convenience store at ungodly hours, like you’re just two people talking to each other–like soulmates isn’t a thing and he’s free to feel whatever it is he’s feeling.

He wants this, he realizes as his eyes flicker down to your lips for a few seconds, subtle enough for you to miss. He wants a real memory of you. Something real that he can keep to his heart, something that isn’t a part of his dream and a fragment of his memories. And even though he’d go home feeling empty and he’d curse himself tomorrow, it doesn’t matter because what matters now is that you’re here with him and he’s going to take as much as you’re willing to give him.

“I’ve finished reading the book, by the way.” You open another topic. A controversial one, if you may say so yourself, and you know deep down what you’re trying to do by saying this even though you’ll deny it if anyone asks.

“Oh yeah? How do you find it?”

“I think I agree with most of what he said.” You bite your lip, your mind wandering to Joshua for the first time since you saw Wonwoo. “I just… I don’t know. I’m not anti soulmate, I just don’t see why you should succumb to your… instincts? Feelings? And simply accept your soulmate without thinking too much about it.”

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything for a moment and you wonder if he disagrees with you or if he’s simply gathering his thoughts. He seems thoughtful, perhaps trying to find words that won’t offend you before he offers you his opinion.

“Can I ask why you started thinking that way?” he asks instead, and it’s your turn to be silent and arrange your words.

Because you don’t know. 

You can’t tell since when do you feel this strongly about the soulmate situation. You used to be quite indifferent about it, not having any opinion whatsoever though you sure weren’t as excited as the other kids your age when it came to romanticizing anything about soulmates.

Your friends would talk about their dream scenarios of the first meeting with their soulmates, or they would go on and on about looking forward to meeting them.

But you were never that excited.

It was just another thing in your life: like eating ice cream or trying out a new cafe. There’s nothing so special about it.

“I think…” You contemplate, wondering if you want to be that honest with this beautiful, familiar stranger in front of you. “It was when I met my soulmate?”

Wonwoo seems surprised, probably not sure how to interpret your words and you don’t blame him at all.

“Sorry?”

“You know how people say that there are… fireworks? And butterflies? Just those big, grandiose feelings blooming inside your chest at once when you meet your soulmate?” He nods, trying to see where you’re going with this. “Well, I… didn’t feel those when I met mine. Sure, it all made sense and it just kinda… clicked in my head. Like a moment of eureka, if you will. But I wasn’t… excited or anything of the sort. If anything, my heartbeat picked up because I was anxious, already worried about what he might expect of me and all that.”

You refuse to look at Wonwoo. You’re not sure what kind of answer that you expect from him, but he doesn’t seem like he’d judge and, between the ungodly hour and the little alcohol that’s left in your system, it feels relieving to finally be able to say this out loud. 

You’ve never been able to. Not only because people would call you crazy, but because you know no one wouldn’t not judge you for it.

But here in front of Wonwoo… Jeon Wonwoo who you’ve only met for the third time in your life, you feel safe for reasons that you can’t comprehend. 

So you continue. You’ll blame it on the alcohol tomorrow morning, even though you know you’re not intoxicated enough for it to be the case. You’ll justify yourself by saying Wonwoo isn’t a friend and he knows no one in your life–that if this goes south, you technically wouldn’t lose anything.

Yeah.

That’s how you’ll go down this road.

“I mean… I love him, you know?” You would’ve seen Wonwoo’s face drop had you not been busy staring at your nails, still too afraid to look at him despite the resolve you’ve made. “But not… that way.”

“Like… platonic?” Wonwoo offers, careful.

“Yeah…” You bite your lip, trying to stop the tears that suddenly blur your eyes. “Like platonic.”

You hate yourself for the way your heart lightens at your own words. Because even though it’s something that you’ve thought of once before, you bury it so deep somewhere you can’t reach. You never say it out loud to anyone; never admit it to yourself even though you know it’s true.

And to say it like this to another person–out in the open… You hate yourself so fucking much because it’s true and you’re somehow going to hurt Joshua even if you don’t mean to.

Wonwoo panics at the sight of your tears, at the way your lips tremble and the way he’s sure your nails are digging into your palms. He doesn’t know what to do, unsure about what he can do because you’re…, he winces as he thinks to himself, not even a friend.

What is the appropriate distance he needs to keep? Is he even allowed to comfort you? He can’t even be relieved at your revelation because you’re obviously not fine and there’s something churning at the pit of his guts the longer he sees you try to stop yourself from crying. 

It’s when a sob eventually escapes your lips that he stops thinking. Because how can he stand still when you’re there crying like you’re admitting a crime worthy of a death sentence? When you can’t even lift your head because you’re trying so damn hard to hide your face and your tears?

He hears you gasp when he wraps his arms around you, something that he wishes you’re okay with, and if there’s anything Wonwoo would describe as magical, it’s the way you perfectly fit against him as you press yourself closer for comfort, your forehead on his neck and your tears warm against his skin. He’s sure he’s just making things up, but it feels like there’s a soft wind going through his whole body, leaving trails of goosebumps on his arms.

It’s probably not the most appropriate moment for him to be feeling that way, but he doesn’t have time to be guilty because it seems like you somewhat share the sentiment–pulling away like you’re electrocuted before you look at him wide-eyed and gaping.

“Won–”

“I’m an outlier.” He cuts you off, riding the rush he’s feeling across his body and letting his honest words get out before he can think too much. He doesn’t know why but he feels like he should tell you and he should do it right now. “I don’t have a soulmate and–”

“Kiss me?” There’s urgency and a slight tremble in your voice as you ask this, fingers grasping the material of his shirt tightly like it’s your lifeline. 

“But your soul–”

“Wonwoo, please?”

It’s hard to tell who moves first, or perhaps you two move at the same time, but the moment his lips meet yours, Wonwoo would like to retract his statement earlier about your embrace being magical because it’s nothing compared to this.

It’s absolutely nothing compared to the thousand fireworks exploding in his chest at different intervals–never stopping and electrifying in the most pleasant way possible. He doesn’t know it’s possible for humans to feel this way. Is this what people with a soulmate feels like when they meet their soulmate? Isn’t this what you said earlier: fireworks and butterflies?

It’s not even butterflies in his stomach. He’s pretty sure there’s an earthquake down there. But, the most important of them all, it feels right and it makes sense even though it shouldn’t be. 

The longer his lips move against yours, your fingers grasping the front of his shirt to pull him closer while his fingers thread through your hair to pull you closer, the more it feels like… fuck, he hates to say it but, it feels like it’s meant to be.

It’s only because you both need to take a breath that you pull away, and Wonwoo doesn’t think it’s possible for his heart to run even faster than it already is, but it is because, Christ, the way you look like you’re in a trance and your slightly swollen lips are doing things to his heart that he has never experienced before.

It’s a mystery how long you spend looking at each other like that in silence, wrapped against each other without saying anything. He wants so badly to just kiss you senseless once again, but the gears in his head are starting to turn and he knows the right thing to do is to talk.

You have a soulmate. But you asked him to kiss you and he did. And it was magical and all the good things he’s heard before, but it’s not supposed to be… right?

“What was that?” You whisper, more to yourself than to him. “I… I don’t understand?”

He whispers your name softly, trying to pull away only for you to pull him closer again, your eyes full of distress and your body tense, a complete 180 from how you were just seconds ago.

“W—why?” You look at him like he has an answer. But he doesn’t, because he’s not even sure what you’re asking about and he’s still trying to find words to say. “This… this is what they say about–about fireworks and… and butterflies but… you’re not my soulmate? What does this mean?”

Wonwoo tries once again, this time reaching out to caress your hair to calm you down. It helps, because your shoulders visibly relax and he reminds you to breathe. You refuse to let go of him though, and his heart squeezes painfully at how shaken up you seem to be.

“Hey, I’m–I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He tells you softly, trying to appear calm even despite what he’s feeling inside. But he can’t show it. Not when you look so lost and your feelings are presumably all over the place. “I’ll just… get some stuff inside. I’ll be back in a minute, I promise.”

True to his words, Wonwoo comes back not even a minute late with a pack of tissues and two water bottles. He opts to sit right beside you as he hands you the tissue and opens the water for you.

“Here, drink this.”

“Thanks.” You murmur quietly, embarrassed now that you’ve (somewhat) come to your senses. There’s a thousand questions running through your head, some of them hateful, loathing yourself for asking another guy to kiss you when you have a soulmate who’s probably worried sick at home because you haven’t texted him at all since you left the club.

But you have more pressing matters at hand–like why did Wonwoo actually kiss you, and why did it feel like how people around you have been describing what it feels like to be with your soulmate? And… Did he say he’s an outlier?

“Feeling better?” His voice is meek, like he’s not sure if it’s okay to talk to you. But you’re too all over the place to think about politeness and whatnot. It’s a trainwreck inside your head. Your head isn’t dizzy because you’re overthinking; it’s dizzy because you’re thinking of too many things at once–it’s thought after thought after thought after thought. They’re colliding and everything’s a mess.

“You felt that too right?” is the first thing that you manage to say and it’s only after you say it that you realize how horrifying it would be if Wonwoo says no.

He nods, albeit hesitantly, but you don’t really mind because you’ll take anything right now. “It’s… what was that? Why… Why do I feel it with you but not Joshua?”

Joshua is your soulmate, Wonwoo registers in his mind, and he looks at you helplessly, his heart dropping a little at the mention of his name. Should he tell you? About the dreams and the memories? He thinks the dreams and the memories are simply, well, dreams and memories after he met you and Joshua all those nights ago.

Perhaps he really is just an outlier, a special one at that, but that’s about it. He has trampled any hope of making something out of his dreams when it’s clear that you belong to someone else in this lifetime. The universe that gifts him the memory of his past life with you, one that arranges another meeting in this lifetime with you, is the same fucking universe that decides you have a soulmate and it’s not him.

What the fuck was he supposed to do?

But with how he–and you, apparently–feel earlier, he doesn’t think it’s a meaningless coincidence.

He might’ve considered it as one if it was only him feeling it. That he might’ve been desperate and any contact that he was to have with you would simply be magical because it’s nothing but an illusion on his part.

But you?

You’ve just said you feel it too, whatever it might be. And he feels a glimpse of hope even though the whole situation is completely fucked up and there’s no way to get around it without hurting anyone.

How would you feel if you knew?

Would you freak out?

Would you hate him for hiding it?

Would you think he was planning something against you?

Would you laugh at his face and call him crazy?

“You know something.” Your voice brings him back to reality, your eyes searching his face. You don’t sound accusing, you sound downright confused and, dare he says, a tad bit hopeful. “There’s something you’re not telling me… right?”

Wonwoo takes a deep breath and braces himself for whatever he might need to face afterwards. He owes you that much, he thinks to himself. To a certain extent, his memory is your memory, and if you’re as distraught as you seem to be, he hopes this would help you somehow.

“I remember my past life.” He says as calmly as he can, carefully hiding his fear somewhere behind. “They come to my dreams. I thought it was just dreams at first, but they’re… memories and they’ve been getting longer since I met you. Clearer, too.”

It’s hard to say why you’re not freaked out, why you simply believe him like it’s not the craziest thing you’ve heard in your life. But if the universe can decide two people are destined for each other and grant marks to people to seek their other half, why should this be regarded as impossible?

“Did you… know me in your past life?”

Wonwoo smiles bitterly, and it takes everything in you not to reach out to cup his cheek–tell him that he can be honest and you’re going to listen to him no matter what.

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“As honest as you can be.”

“I might sound crazy.” He whispers, basking in your touch. “This… might affect you in a bad way.”

“Crazier than you remembering your past life?” You smile a little as you say this, which he returns. He appreciates your attempt to lighten up the atmosphere, and he reaches up to take the hand that was cupping his cheek, his fingers tighten around yours before he braces himself once again.

“You were my soulmate.” He rips the bandaid in one go, afraid that he wouldn’t be able to say it otherwise.

It’s hard to describe what you’re feeling: your breath is caught in your throat, the revelation means more than you thought it would. But it’s not shock that’s filling you up. No. It’s recognition, acceptance, and tears because things finally make sense.

“I promised you that I’d find you again in our next life and–”

It finally fucking makes sense why you always feel like there’s something missing in your life, why Joshua’s arrival doesn’t fill it up even though you secretly thought it would; why you feel that pull with Wonwoo since that first time you met him.

You remember that day still. You were just taking a walk, there was no plan whatsoever to sit around and spend time out in the open when it’s so hot outside. But you had seen him by himself, and it felt like time stopped for a few moments and you were enchanted. You felt compelled to look at him–to approach him and ask if it’s okay to take the empty seat on his table.

It wasn’t magical, your first meeting, but something about Wonwoo had pulled you in and you didn’t even try to question it. 

The shock you felt when he called you ‘Autumn’ never really died down. And while you tried to convince yourself that it’s simply because it had been a long time since someone referred to you with that name and it was a nickname that is so dear to you, you could feel deep down that there was something else.

And then there was that dream.

Wait.

Right, that dream. 

Is that dream…?

“Ginkgo leaf?” You whisper out of nowhere, trying to recall what you saw all those nights ago. “Was that your mark? In your previous life… was that your mark?”

It’s his turn to look at you in shock, the way he’s gaping at you wide-eyed giving you the answer you were looking for.

“H–how?”

“I had a dream, once.” You’ve never felt this vulnerable in your life, but how can you not be when it feels like you’ve just found the reason you’ve been seeking for your whole life? “It was… that night we met… at Namsan. It was your birthday and we were celebrating with a cake and–”

“Hey, breathe?” Wonwoo cuts you off, and you squeeze his fingers in return, only then realizing that you’ve been holding hands the whole time. “Take your time, okay?”

“And I saw the ginkgo leaf on your wrist…” You finish, trying your best not to glance at his wrist even though you know it’s not there. “I didn’t get to see mine though, and that’s why I didn’t assume you were my soulmate.”

“I see…”

You hate how defeated he sounds. And for all the time you’ve been doubting the universe, questioning its means and cursing its ways, you don’t know what to do right now.

Should you be cursing it some more for putting Wonwoo in that position? For making you feel the way you feel only to find out the reason why is because your heart is apparently caught in the past? What does this make Joshua? What does this make your entire relationship with him?

You ask about his dreams, and even though Wonwoo is hesitant at first, he gets more comfortable the more he relays them. And you feel like crying because, apparently, all of them are about you. There’s not one single dream that doesn’t have you in it, and it feels like a punch to your guts to know that he has to live his life with this replaying in his mind, that he can’t even talk about it to anyone because he doesn’t want to risk it, that he’s been keeping something this big for his whole life because he doesn’t really have any other choice.

You grief about the memories you don’t have. About what could’ve been and about the pain Wonwoo has to go through by himself because the universe has arranged you to be with someone else when he’s been seeing pictures of you with him in his dreams.

“What… what do you think we should do?” You throw the question out there, hope that someone has the answer. But Wonwoo stays silent, and he looks at you with eyes full of yearning that wrenches your soul. You know what he’s trying to say. You’re the one who has a soulmate. Whatever that he might want with you, what he might’ve imagined throughout the entire time he has those memories, they all don’t mean anything because you’re off limits.

“I don’t… think there’s anything that we can do.”

“But–”

“It’s okay.” He shakes his head with a sad smile. “I didn’t… I wasn’t expecting anything. I didn’t even think I’d be talking about this with you.”

“But, still!” You’re grasping his hand tightly–as if he’ll be gone if you let go even slightly. “This… this has got to mean something!”

“You have a soulmate.” He reminds you, his voice shaking. And tears blur your eyes once again at how resigned he sounds, but can you blame him? The universe has fucked him up in more ways than one, you would’ve lost it a long time ago if you were him, but here he is, taking care of you still even though it might make things worse for him.

“Do you love me?”

Wonwoo exhales deeply, pressing his lips together to hide the fact that they’re trembling because he’s so close to tears.

“I know my past self loved you more than life itself.”

“Do you love me?”

“Look–I…”

“Because there’s—there’s clearly something because my heart feels like it’s about to burst and I already want to be with you all the time.” You cry as you honestly bare yourself in front of him, as you tell him all the emotions that have been going through you since the kiss you share with each other minutes ago. “I don’t… I’ve never felt like this before and I’ve always questioned why–wonder what went wrong and if there’s some kind of mistake. But I couldn’t do anything because supposedly he’s my soulmate and I’m supposed to accept that. Because it’s a given and it’s obvious and there’s just no fucking reason for me to question it.”

Wonwoo lets his tears fall as you say all this, his hands warm against yours and he relishes at the way you’re holding on to them tightly, like you want to convince him that there’s something–some way to go around this.

“But you just gave me a reason to question it now.” You sob, reminding him about the talk you had the first time you met each other. 

If fate and destiny actually exist, who is there to say that what the universe has decided for you is your best path?

You must look absolutely hideous right now, with tears all over your face that won’t stop no matter how many times you wipe them. But you don’t care, because you finally feel content with him beside you. Because even though it’s selfish and you would need to figure out the whole Joshua situation, you’re not going to let go of the person who finally makes you feel complete, who makes you realize the things your friends have been saying are all true: that it just makes sense, that it’s practically binding to the point where you even hate to think about having to separate with him after this night ends.

“You told me I could always go against my destiny if that’s what I choose to do. Why are you not letting me? Do you not feel it?”

“I do. I swear, I feel it too.” He wipes the last of his tears and calms himself down, makes you panic when he tries to let go of your hands only for his palm to rest warmly against the side of your face. “But you have a soulmate and it’s not something that you can decide by yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to him, don’t you think?”

“Has the universe ever been fair to you?” You ask him, wondering how he can still have this much consideration for someone who he should’ve harbored ill feelings for.

“It leads me to you, doesn’t it? In two different lifetimes too.” He smiles and caresses your cheek, wiping your tears also. 

“Please stop making me cry.” You whisper weakly, certain that your eyes will be red and puffy once you’ve stopped crying.

Wonwoo chuckles at this, and the sound of his small laughter brings a smile out of you despite the tears.

“I’m not saying you’re not in your right mind. But perhaps… we’re too high on our emotions right now, don’t you agree?”

You don’t. You really don’t. But you get what he’s saying so you nod and instead bask in the way his thumb is caressing the apple of your cheek.

“So what do you suppose we should do?

“You… might want to think this through and have a talk with… Joshua.” It’s bizarre to hear Joshua’s name from Wonwoo, but you know he’s right and if… if you want to try whatever it is you’re going to try with Wonwoo, you don’t want to do it in hiding and you don’t want to betray Joshua’s trust and respect more than you probably already have at this point. He might hate you, he might not accept it, but you have to at least try and a part of you believes Joshua would understand somehow. “And then we can decide from then?”

“Okay…” You close your eyes and lean forward to rest your forehead against his shoulder, feeling his arm pulling you closer and trying to memorize his scent and his warmth to calm the erratic beat of your heart. “Okay.”

Wonwoo takes you home, sitting a good distance from you in the taxi like you both weren’t pressed against each other just minutes prior. But you know why he’s doing it, and you still appreciate him for going with you just to make sure you’ll go back safely even if he doesn’t have to.

For the first time that night, your mind wanders to Joshua. About how you should approach the subject with him and all the consequences you might need to face afterwards. It’s not going to be pretty even if Joshua somehow understands: what would you say to your family? To his family?

But you can’t let go of Wonwoo. Not now that you’ve met him, that you’ve found out what his existence means to you and you’ve felt all the magic you’ve been hearing from other people.

You wonder now if the reason why you’ve questioned the whole soulmate system is because it doesn’t apply to you personally. Because you didn’t feel the pull and all that should’ve come along with the first meeting.

Now that you’ve felt it with Wonwoo… You glance at him, which Wonwoo catches almost right away. He smiles at you, though you can tell his eyes are full of worries, his mind probably elsewhere. You don’t blame him though, what has transpired tonight is beyond the two of you; it’s only right for him to be out of it.

You suddenly feel like one of those stupid main characters in a romance movie, one who would throw everything away for a man they barely know. But your heart knows Wonwoo, yearns for him before you even know it. In a world where two people are destined to be together… you don’t think it’s stupid of you to want to do this.

When the driver tells you that you’ve arrived you hesitate before you get off, not wanting to leave Wonwoo. But he smiles in encouragement, tells you that you have his number and you’re free to text him after you’ve figured things out.

He omits Joshua from his sentence, but you know that’s what he means.

“Hey.” He calls for you right when you’re about to close the door and reaches out to squeeze your hand once, letting go before you can return the gesture. “Don’t rush it, okay? Take your time. I’ll be waiting. You know I’m good at that.”

Wonwoo waits.

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months.

There’s a reason why he gave you his number instead of asking for yours.

He wants you to be ready before deciding anything, wants you to make the decision that you think is best for you.

He knows he’d call you right away if he has your number, to make sure you’re okay and to see how you’re doing.

But that’d be even more painful, he feels like. More painful than a thousand scenarios going through his mind because he’s by himself. At least like this, he knows it’s nothing but scenarios that he comes up with; nothing is real and it’s all in his head.

Like his dreams.

Like his memories.

He exhales as he looks at his phone once again, waiting for your message that isn’t coming.

The third time Wonwoo meets you might be the last time he sees you, after all.

Three months later, October comes around, yellow leaves telling him that autumn has arrived. Not his Autumn, obviously, and he glares at the ginkgo tree he passes by that is still annoyingly green even though everything else has started to turn yellow.

The third week of October, you finally text Wonwoo, apologizing for the time you took and asking if it’s still okay to see each other even though it’s been months since then. He says yes, of course, and you’re currently sitting anxiously in the taxi on your way to his place.

You don’t know how Wonwoo is going to take what you’re about to tell him and you don’t think it’s wise to be having this conversation out in the open; hence why you’re thankful that he agrees when you ask if it’s okay to talk in the privacy of his walls.

“Hi.” He opens the door, offering you a small smile that you return tightly. It’s weird that you immediately feel at peace in his presence despite the anxiety that has been building up in your chest. 

“Hi.” You press your lips together, exhaling a deep breath before you apologize to him once again. “Sorry it took me quite some time to text you. I didn’t want to… rush, like you said.”

“It’s okay.” You know it’s not, you can tell by how tense it is and how forced his smile seems to be. Plus, it doesn’t take a genius to know why he looks like he hasn’t been getting decent sleep because you know you probably would’ve looked the same if not for your makeup.

He ushers you to come in, tells you to sit down on the sofa and offers you a drink, in which you say you’re fine with just water.

Wonwoo returns with a cup of warm tea though, and he says that he’s put some honey in it, that you look tense and hopefully the drink helps.

“I figure you’ve made up your mind?”

Truth be told, you can’t even begin to imagine what’s been going on inside Wonwoo’s head. You offered yourself to him only to go missing for three months straight, not even a text that tells him that you’re okay and you’re not forgetting him. 

But you didn’t want to text him when things were uncertain, not with what happened right after you got home–with what went down between you and Joshua.

You couldn’t.

That’s why you’ve only finally managed to text him a few days ago. With things being in the clear, you can finally talk to him and decide what’s going to happen moving forward.

“Give me a chance to explain?” You look at him hopefully.

“I wouldn’t tell you to come if I wasn’t going to listen to you.” His smile lifts parts of your tension, and you take a deep breath before you begin, already having imagined this conversation a hundred times in your head. 

“Joshua was there when I came home that night.” You bite your lip, already feeling like crying as you recall that scene in your head. “He was on the floor, passed out. He wouldn’t wake up no matter how much I shook him, and I realized he was clutching his neck–right where our soulmate marks are. It was hot, like it was burning before, and I called the hospital right away and–”

“Wait–burning?” 

“Yes and… and the mark was fading and it was only hours later that I realized mine was fading also.” You swallow hard at this, a painful wave crashes against your heart as you recall his face when he came to, when he told them what happened and when they told him what actually happened.

“It just… started burning out of nowhere.”

The doctor glanced at you, your eyes were puffy from crying even more than you already did before that, your fingers tight against Joshua’s because you thought you’d lost him.

“Did you feel the burn also?” The doctor pulled you out after Joshua fell back asleep, a conclusion already knitting itself together in her mind. There’s no way you’d be fine enough to stand on your own feet if you had felt the burn, but still, she had to make sure before jumping into conclusions.

“No…” You sniffled. “I… was out with… a friend and he already passed out when I came back home.”

“No pain, at all?”

You shook your head, mentally and physically exhausted after everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours.

“No. I–He’d be fine, right?” You asked in desperation. “What… what happened, exactly?”

“We need to run some more tests. But… you’re sure you didn’t feel anything at all?”

“No, I didn’t. I really didn’t. Does that mean anything?”

“They… they said it’s the universe… taking our marks from us.” You force a smile just right after the first tear falls, your feelings still all over the place even though almost three months have passed since then. “Apparently, it had happened before. Though it’s been fifty years or so since they last heard of a case. They couldn’t really tell why it happened because there weren’t many cases to study and compare, but I felt like… I might have an idea why it happened so I met the doctor privately and told her about you.”

Wonwoo holds back the urge to reach for your hands that are balled into fists, to free your lower lip from your teeth because he’s sure you’d bleed if you bite down just a tad bit harder. 

“She said that there’s a possibility that I was right. That… the universe is rearranging my soulmate because I met you. It’s not unheard of, but it’s not something that you’d even find in books because it’s some sort of myth at this point.”

You look up to meet his eyes. His heart breaks at how sad you look, and the protective feeling from three months ago when he saw you crying at one in the morning returns at once. He’s not sure if it’s okay to comfort you this time around though, because by the way you’re relaying the story, he can’t tell at all where you stand exactly.

“I was debating with myself whether it would be better to tell him right away or wait until he got better. But Joshua… caught on easily that something bothered me and it just… came out. I didn’t say your name, and I only told him what he might need to know: that I met someone and it just… made sense.

It wasn’t easy. He was the one laying on the hospital bed but he was also the one comforting me. And I felt so bad and I kept on apologizing to him but he said it’s okay and he understood. That it’s not my fault because he knew I didn’t have a say in how I felt.”

From the thousand scenarios Wonwoo has imagined in the three months you left him in silence, this is not one of them. He can’t even begin to imagine how painful it must’ve been for Joshua, both physically and mentally. His mind takes him back to Jisoo, about what she said about the burn she felt and how it affected her after.

How could Joshua say that in his position?

For what it’s worth, Wonwoo is glad to know that you were meant to be with someone as caring as Joshua is–who is so understanding that he would withstand that kind of pain and said it was fine. That he doesn’t blame you for it.

But where does this leave the two of you now?

“He asked me what I wanted to do now that we’re… no longer bonded by the marks. And I told him honestly that I don’t want to lose him; that I still… love him even though it’s not how he expected me to. That I understand if he doesn’t want me around because it can’t be easy to look at someone who used to be your soulmate.”

You’re sobbing at this point, and he hands you some tissues to wipe your tears, reminds you to breathe before you continue.

“Can you… can you hold me, please?” Your voice is small as you say this, as if you’re uncertain whether you’re allowed to ask that. Wonwoo is glad you did though, because he immediately comes closer and pulls you into his chest, offering you whatever comfort he might be able to give that way. “Sorry, I just–”

“Shh. It’s fine.” Whatever the outcome of this conversation may be, this is the least he can do for you. And perhaps a little for himself also, because it’s painful to see you cry and not able to do anything at all. Because he’s been dreaming of hugging you–the you in this lifetime, not the past one–and he’s not going to pass any chance that’s presented in front of him even if it might be wrong. He still doesn’t know how your talk ended with Joshua, but if you asked him to hold you… that should mean something, right? “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?” You sniffle, pulling away to look at him.

“It is my place, so.” He tries to joke to help you relax, and it works because you weakly hit his chest before you exhale another deep breath and continue after Wonwoo makes you take a sip of your tea.

“He… He’d like to keep me around too.” You say quietly, your tears now replaced with hiccups. “But not now. Because it still hurts and… and he says he’d contact me once he’s ready.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

You shrug, burying yourself further into his neck. Is it bad that it feels so right to do this already? Is it bad that you’re doing this when you’re still trying to move on from your guilt?

“I honestly have no idea… But… Well, he says he wants me to be happy with you and that he doesn’t want me to not give you–us–a chance because I feel guilty towards him. That… what’s done is done and he’ll eventually be okay.”

“He’s very kind, isn’t he?” He comments instead, unsure how to feel after everything you’ve said. A big part of him is relieved, but it’s still hard to be completely happy when he knew it cost someone the kind of pain that would last a lifetime. 

“The kindest.” You smile for the first time, agreeing with him. “I think that’s also why I’ve always had this guilt within me, you know? Even before I met you. Because I just know I can’t return his feelings but he was supposed to be my soulmate.”

“I understand.” He whispers against your head, leaning his cheek there. “Is that also why it took you three months to text me?”

“Partly… yeah. I ended up taking care of him until he got discharged, and we decided to just… talk to our parents separately about what happened and what… might happen moving forward. And then I spent some time arranging my thoughts and cleaning up his stuff from my apartment. I haven’t given them back to him, but they’re all in a box in my place. So… yeah. Sorry for not texting you at all.”

He hums and holds you tighter, feels the way your arms are also hugging him in apology. He doesn’t press about your parents, he supposes you would’ve talked about it if you want to. But you’ve just relayed a very emotionally loaded story which must be very exhausting in itself.

“I did tell you to take your time.” He says, a smile blooming into his face at what he says next. “Thank you for coming back to me.”

“Thank you for letting me come back to you.” You say instead, pulling away from him to meet his eyes. Your eyes must be puffy from all the crying, gosh, you seem to be crying all the time when you’ve only seen this guy four times in total. You wonder if you were this much of an emotional wreck too in your past life, but you decide against asking about it because it does not matter now.

Your past lives might be the one that eventually leads you to each other; but Wonwoo has probably had enough stories regarding the past life and you don’t see why you should talk about it when you have the future in front of you.

“They’ve stopped, you know?” Wonwoo suddenly says.

“What have?”

“The dreams.” He presses his lips together and looks at you for comfort, which you readily give as you squeeze his shoulder. “They don’t appear anymore. Like, completely stopped. I do dream of you, but not… you from the past life. Just you.”

“How do you know it’s not me from the past?”

He takes your hand before he answers, gently lifts it up to point at your empty wrist and smiles.

“Because there’s no mark on your wrist.”

“Ah… right.” You lean forward to rest your forehead against his shoulder, and you spend a moment like that: your body pressed against each other and the ghost of his lips on top of your head.

It’s then that you whisper, a little afraid but also hopeful–perhaps even excited at what the future might have in store for you two.

“Are we really doing this?”

“A little too late to not do this, I think.” He jokes, which earns him another hit on the chest and a glare that doesn’t affect him at all. He cups your cheek and looks into your eyes, making you shy from the sudden attention. “If you want it then I want it. Easy as that.”

You press your lips together and bask in his stare, get lost in his eyes as you finally try to let go of the guilt holding you down and focus more on the certainty that you felt that night you tried to convince Wonwoo to do something about your situation.

“I’ll be okay.” Joshua reassured you for the nth time as you dropped him off his place, your second home that you probably wouldn’t be able to visit until an indefinite time. “Don’t worry too much about me, okay? You know how I am.”

“I’m really–”

“I don’t want you to apologize again.” He cuts you off, his voice stern. “I don’t blame you, I really don’t. I’m happy to know you’ve met someone that has made you complete. I’m sorry for not being able to do that to you. It must’ve been hard for you all those time, hm? So try to be happy now. Don’t think too much about me. I will be okay, trust me on that. I’ve never gone back on my words, have I? I don’t regret the time I had with you and I don’t want you to feel guilty for not feeling a certain way.”

“Let’s do it, then?” You say, wanting to make sure like there’s any way Wonwoo would say no. “Fuck the universe, right?”

Wonwoo laughs and gently squishes your cheeks before he nods, his forehead leaning to rest against yours, his breath warm against your face even though his lips aren't touching yours just yet.

“Fuck the universe, indeed.”

It's later that night that you point at the inside of his wrist and gasp when you check yours: identical marks of a twin gingko leaves intertwined with each other adorning your wrist and his.

Wonwoo grins.

His Autumn is finally here.

©wonwoonlight – all rights reserved. I don’t allow any reposting, translation, and any other kind of redistribution of this fic. Please tell me if you’re aware of anyone doing this without my permission.

permanent taglist: @kyeomjjigae @stantrash171819 @sebongmochi @luveveryonewoo @thinkinboutwonu @kpopjackie @ursweetener @lavenderautumnx @itsveronicaxxx @shuahoshiscoups @sunshinein17 @leechanniee @twogyuu @hoe4wonwoo @h3h3tm0n @noraehey @seokshook @rubyhoons @02psh @just-here-to-read-01 @listxn @janandbeyond @pearlygraysky @baekhyunstruly @svtreverie @coveyland @reallydgafaboutmyusername @sysymei @ovai @aikisbbq @fr0g-filez @nvmbheart

pls tell me if you wanna be removed btw it's totally ok, no hard feelings!!

A/N 2: well, if you're reading this, thank you once again!! i have never written this trope before and i honestly can't tell at all if you'll like it or not. but i wrote this for wonwoo's birthday, so hopefully i'll have it in me to accept it if it's not your cup of tea. but anyway, it's been some time since i write anything this long also--didn't even know i had it in me to still write anything this long, and it kinda made me realize that... this might be my last long piece for a quite some time. it's not easy to write this, to see my notifications everyday and see less and less feedbacks while the likes take up 95% of them. i've said it before, but it gets discouraging the more it goes. i'm not announcing hiatus or anything, but i hope you know where my blog stands at this point. happy birthday once again wonwoo, my muse, the loml 🥰💕

[evacado3]

Request: Could I request a Gun x reader where we kind of get his perspective of him recounting the times he's realized he has feelings for y/n? Or maybe Gun and y/n doing something mundane like baking?

.

Recollecting time

word count: 512

The sunlight peaks through the gap of the curtains, yet the bright light doesn't seem to wake your sleeping figure. With your head on his chest and arms wrapped around his waist, Gun recalls the blessed moments he has experienced with you and only you.

Your little snores helped him remember times when he had insomnia after nearly facing death in a tough fight. Oh how he has changed from where he would fight whenever he pleased and would even feel pleasure on his way to hell, a smirk on his charming face upon finding a worthy opponent.

Gun wouldn’t dare enjoy these conflicts now, not when he has an angel at home waiting for his return. He thought back to those days when you held him in your warm embrace, scattering pecks all over the top of his head, where he felt the vibrations of your chest when you hummed a soft melody luring him to sleep. But it wasn't easy to stay up so late for you, so the tune that actually helped him fall into slumber was the faint snores that left your mouth.

The man looked at your figure with loving eyes, caressing your head and twirling your hair. Another flashback popped up into his head, a time where he loathed himself for letting his lover get hurt because of his careless actions. Thinking back now he would still be filled with regret and shame.

A few months ago his fellow blonde colleague was shocked by how Gun changed and wanted to get a rise out of him, so he broke your finger on purpose the first time you two met. Needless to say, Goo received a good beating that nearly sent him to satan, broken bones all over, and was forced to apologize to you.

During the first few weeks of your injury, he would help you wash your hair, which was also when he learned how to braid, use a curling iron and etc. You found out the man was a pro at washing hair, and would even give you a little head massage cause of how guilty he felt. And when the man blows dry your hair, he would even twirl it and oil it after he finished.

Gun knows that it was his fault for letting someone that hostile touch your fragile body, he then swore to protect you from any other dangers with his life. And until now no one has hurt a single hair on you.

Sighing, he continued twirling your hair in his hand until you finally noticed his actions. You slowly rubbed your eyes, opening them to find your lover staring down at you, "Go back to sleep stupid." he whispered. You whined at the insult and snuggled your face in the crook of his neck. 

"You don't have to tell me twice dummy," you yawned, closing your eyes again.

Gun feels his heart race at your cute gesture. After recollecting the times he could never forget, he has only one last thought in his mind,

'God I love her so much'

.

bish I rewrote everything after I lost all ideas on baking with gun, so I asked anon for their favorite dessert for nothing smh, also ANONNN I FINALLY GOT THIS OUT YOU WAITED LONG ENOUGH THOUGH I FEEL LIKE IT'S A TINY BIT OFF TOPIC SO I'M SORRY🙇‍♀️ and hi guys I'm back for a day hehehehe

[naesarangyunho]

As You Are- Jeong Yunho

Synopsis: Dating an idol was never easy, at least not at first, but after over two years of her and Yunho dating, things had calmed almost completely and atiny just accepted her as a constant in Yunho's life. Y/n has a run in with an anti for the first time in a long time and her words have her hurt and doubting herself a little. Yunho wastes no time in dropping everything to go and comfort her.

Contains: emotional hurt/comfort, established relationship, idol/non-idol relationship, fluff, people are mean, Yunho is best boy and so in love. Yunho curses like once.

[Word count: 1.3k]

A/N: I'm trying to clear out my drafts and found this in there, complete already. I have no recollection of writing it but apparently I did.

Yunho was ripped from his messy daytime dream by the sound of his phone ringing loudly by his ear on the bed.

He would've just silenced it and continued his nap if it wasn't for the fact that it was the ringtone he specifically set for his girlfriend. So, he forced his eyes open and sluggishly reached for the device, accepting the call and holding the phone to his ear as he lay in bed.

"Hello?" He mumbled drowsily, his eyes closing of their own accord.

"Yunho?"

Her voice was tiny and suddenly he was very awake, jolting upright and holding the phone firmly to his ear, "What's wrong, my love?"

He heard a sniffle on the other side of the line and the sound broke his heart.

"It's nothing I just…" She cut herself off with a little sob and Yunho was jumping out of bed and pulling on a jacket without a second thought.

"Are you home?"

"Yes-"

"I'm on my way."

"But Yunho don't you have schedules or-"

"Even if I did, I wouldn't care. You need me so I'm coming."

"Yunho-"

"See you in ten, love." and he cut the call before she could protest anymore.

He shoved a cap over his bedhead, tugged a mask on and he rushed across the dorm to the front door. He quickly shuffled his feet into some sneakers before leaving the building, not bothering to call his manager for a ride, settling on an Uber instead.

***

Y/n replayed the interaction from earlier that had turned her into this pathetic, sniffling mess in her mind as she waited for Yunho to reach her flat.

"What can I get you?" The barista asked when Y/n stepped up to the counter. Being in a good mood but also feeling a little chilly courtesy of the late autumn weather she decided to deviate from her usual latte.

"Spiced pumpkin chai latte, please." She ordered and the barista nodded and scribbled it down on her pad before looking up at her again.

"What name should I write down?"

"Y/n."

A flicker of recognition flashed through the barista's eyes and she took a closer look at Y/n, studying her features carefully.

"As in, L/n Y/n?"

Oh, shit.

Y/n smiled awkwardly, "Yeah."

The barista stared a moment longer before she scoffed, "Those articles were just glowing reviews, weren't they? Did they edit those photos?"

Y/n frowned, "What?"

"They made you seem so amazing, and the way he speaks about you as well…" The employee sneered.

"Pardon?" Y/n's heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. It had been so long since she'd been recognised in public, the hype over her and Yunho's relationship dying down after over two years and it had been a long time since she'd been insulted in public.

"There's nothing special about you. Average. Maybe below average. To think Yunho actually settled for someone like you…"

She knew she shouldn't let the words get to her but even after having heard worse than that, the words were still like arrows in her heart because despite the reassurance and love from Yunho she'd always had that nagging voice in her mind that believed everything antis said. She knew that she wasn't exactly a bombshell beauty. She wasn't an idol. She wasn't an actress. She wasn't a model. She didn't work in the entertainment industry in any capacity. She wasn't talented. She wasn't-

"Would have thought by the way he talks about you in lives that you would be extraordinary but you're just…ordinary. Not even that attractive." She continued, eyes still burning into Y/n.

The barista wasn't even creative with her insults, Y/n had heard worse, but her words hurt nevertheless. She felt tears well up in her eyes and the barista noticed.

"Are you going to cry? Fucking pathetic." The woman snorted.

Y/n had run out the store, completely forgetting about her order or the chill sinking into her bones from the weather.

There was a sharp rapping on her door and when she didn't respond, Yunho let himself in with his spare key.

"Sweetheart?" Yunho called out as he entered her flat and shuffled out of his shoes, eyes scanning the place for his girlfriend.

Eventually he found her in her bedroom, sitting up against her headboard with her legs brought in against her chest as she leaned her head down on her knees.

She looked up as she heard her bedroom door creak open and tears finally spilled down her cheeks as she lay eyes on Yunho, concern painting his features and his nose and cheeks flushed pink from the cold air outside.

"Oh, sweetheart," He exhaled when he saw her streaked cheeks and he instantly made his way over to her, joining her against the headboard and pulling her into his arms.

She sobbed into his chest and he kissed her hair, "What happened, my love?"

She just shook her head, fingers clinging to the fabric of his sweatshirt as she cried into his chest.

He stroked her back in soft circles, "It's okay, let it all out. I'm right here."

He kissed her hair, "I love you so much."

A little sob escaped her and she looked up at him, cringing at the fact that she was probably all snotty and puffy but he just smiled gently at her and cupped her face in his warm hands.

"I'm here, love." His eyes were full of concern and she felt-

"Pathetic. I'm pathetic." She bit out, so upset with herself for reacting like this.

He shook his head and his thumbs stroked her wet cheeks, "You are not."

"I am. I'm letting her stupid words get to me."

He frowned, "Whose words?"

"This girl at the coffee shop. She recognised me."

Anger settled in his gaze, "What did she say to you?"

Y/n felt tears well up in her eyes again, "Sh-She said you could do better. She said I'm below average, not even that attractive and called me pathetic. She implied that you were lying with the way you describe me."

Yunho's jaw tensed, "I thought that these people were past this. It's been over two years. Our relationship is none of their business."

"Don't you think she's right, at least a little? I'm not a model, I'm not-"

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare let some dumb bitch's words get to you. Not for a second have I ever thought those things about you. You don't need to be a model or an idol or all that crap. You're gorgeous and perfect enough. I love you exactly as you are…even though you're a boring accountant."

A little huff of a laugh left her at that last comment and she sniffed, cringing at the noise as she wiped her face with her sleeves. Yunho leaned over, snatched some tissues from the box on her bedside table and handed them to her. He didn't even blink when she blew her nose with a wet sound. He didn't care about whether she was put together or messy. After the over two years in which he'd held her hair back as she puked or looked after when she got food poisoning that one time from dodgy take out sushi and so much more, stuff like that didn't matter to him. He loved her at her best and at her worst and he always would.

[void-ink-studios]

Memories of the Homeland

Back on my bullshit. No idea how long with wave will last, so y'all can just enjoy the ride as it goes.

Same timeline as Wrath of the Wishmaster, which you can read here!

You can check out the other piece I did here!

This is just me indulging in worldbuilding because I eat that shit up for breakfast. Enjoy!

Word Count: 2,000

Scarab could always appreciate quiet days in the Time Room. No wish makers to please, no gods to placate, no disaster waiting to happen.

Hell, it was even one of those rare days his body was mostly cooperating with him.

It was on days like these that Prismo and Scarab found the energy to simply be. To exist in comfortable silence next to each other. Scarab's claws made a satisfying little tick tick tick sound as he typed on the laptop. There was a nice ambiance as Prismo flipped through the multiverses on the screen wall.

Yes, it was a quiet day. Wonderful.

"Hey Scarab?"

Well, easy come, easy go.

"Yes, Prismo?"

"I was just wondering... where... did you come from?"

Scarab stopped typing. He paused for a moment. He needed it. Home... He hasn't thought about home in... how long...?

"...No one's been interested in that question before. I thought it was considered... rude to ask a god his origin."

Prismo looked a little embarrassed for a beat before shaking it off.

"I dunno, I'm just... curious. No one really talks about it much. I don't really even know myself."

"You don't?"

"Nah. There's, like, a degree of separation between me and... him. Jake used to call him 'Old Man Prismo' but... well, I'm not even sure that's his name. I don't have his memories; I don't really know his life. Just what people tell me."

Scarab thought on that for a while.

"...And what have people told you?"

"Not much. Just that he's the greatest mortal wizard to have ever lived, or whatever."

Scarab chuckled to himself.

"That much is true. It's what got him Noticed by the Boss. He teleported into the Judgement Hall. By accident."

"Seriously?"

"It was quite the spectacle."

"You were there?"

"I was. Although, we didn't speak much. I was ready to cast you out for insolence, but the Boss themself stepped in." Scarab remembered the rage he felt for years. But, it's far more subdued now. Blanketed by memories of soft touches and gentle kisses.

"No kidding. Small multiverse."

"Indeed."

There was a lull in the conversation.

"...So what about you, Lovebug? Is there a chance I could flip to a random channel and find people who look like you?"

Scarab rolled his eyes, amused. "I'm not entirely sure... One of the stipulations I had when I ascended was that my homeland would be safe. How the Boss decided to interpreted that, I have no idea. I haven't been in hundreds of thousands of years. Possibly longer."

"Oh..."

Scarab looked down into the yellow floor, but didn't resume typing. It was strange, thinking of his home world again. So many memories, his entire mortal life was trapped there but... well, it was so long ago... He wasn't sure if what he was picturing was even real anymore.

"Well... Can you tell me a bit about it?"

Scarab hummed, considering.

"I can tell what it was like eons ago. So you might have to take my recollection with a grain of salt."

"That's fair." Scarab watched Prismo turn off the screen and shuffle down, propping his head up on his hands, legs kicked up behind him. The beetle chirped in an amused tone.

"Well... My world was a simple one... we weren't part of any grand alliance or greater picture. It was beautiful, full of green and trees, but utterly unremarkable. No great battles were fought there, no great warriors rose from the dirt, no scholars or mages. It was just... us. We were farmers. Builders. A simple people."

"Sounds peaceful. But it's kinda hard to picture you somewhere like that. You're always just so... on the move, at least in spirit."

"You're not wrong. I got called a butterfly quite a bit. Head in the sky. I kept looking up. I wondered. Ever since I emerged from my burrow. My job was to guard the brood mound I came from, but I got caught looking up quite a bit."

"Did you have any family?"

"Presumably. But we weren't raised in a family unit like you might be used to. I had siblings, but no real relationship with them. We hatch by ourselves, in a sealed burrow, stuffed with food. We eat and grow up as larva, pupate, then dig our way out. Then we join the rest of the world, and find our place in it. You might find yourself a mate, if you're lucky."

"Sounds lonely."

"Not entirely. It more meant the whole mound was your family. I became quite close to the ones who came out of the burrows near mine. We all had each other to call on. And different mounds would help each other if things went poorly, like a failed harvest or flooding."

"Could you have found your blood family if you wanted to? How would have even started looking?"

"Color and wings, mostly. Lineages had certain colors and patterns associated with them. I was actually unique in my lineage by being pure red. Most had some green somewhere else on their shells. And everyone's wings had different patterns. The closer your pattern was to someone else's, the more likely you were blood family."

Scarab caught himself thinking back to his mound and the people he remembered fondly. He often tried to not dwell on their memory. It just hurts to remember, most of the time. How short their lives were, compared to what his would become.

Were his people even around anymore? Or was he truly alone in the multiverse?

He jumped a little when he felt a gentle hand on his back. Prismo was smiling sadly at him. His elytra clicked together softly. Did he even remember what his own wings looked like?

"...I will give Orbo credit for one thing. He knows where to hit to hurt." Scarab ran a hand over his head, feeling the small stumps left of his antenna.

"What do you mean?"

"Of the pieces he tore from me... both were very important. Sacred parts, even. While my wings and antenna are important for me to function, they also were important for socialization on my home world. To greet someone respectfully, you bowed, opened your elytra, and spread your wings. To greet friends or lovers, you rubbed foreheads to let antenna brush against each other."

The touch on Scarab's back felt cold suddenly. Prickling. He looked at Prismo again, seeing the purplish black shadows ripple across his body.

"Shh... It's okay, my dear." Scarab scooted a bit closer, pressing his head against Prismo's. "I can still do this." He shook his head, nuzzling against the Wishmaster. "I can still show you I love you, just as I would have eons ago. And I enjoy your kisses dearly, despite not coming natural to me. Come back to me."

He felt the Wishmaster sigh, shuddering out a breath, as the wamrth returned to him.

"Hmm... That feels nice, Lovebug."

"I'm glad... Did I ever tell you the time I outwitted Orbo? When I was still just a lowly beetle?"

"No, but now you have to."

Scarab chuckled, giving Prismo one more nuzzle before pulling back.

"I called on the gods for help. My planet wasn't important, not in the cosmic sense... But, it was in the path of something important. Something awful. Something big. It was eating worlds in its way. I don't think I ever found out what its name was, but I knew it was on the Boss's watch list. I spotted it. I watched it eat an entire solar system. A whole star, gone from the night sky. I... I had to do something. I was no magician, I could never achieve what your dreamer could achieve, but... I knew how to use tools. I knew books and tools and languages. And I found my way upward.

"I managed get an audience with Orbo. And he tried to hit me with a fly swatter. I think it just annoyed him I wouldn't simply disappear. I kept pleading, I made my case to the Judgement Hall. And what was I told? 'It's on our list.' My world wasn't important enough to save. They were waiting for that mouth in the void to get close to something actually important."

A tight hiss had crept into his voice. He paused his story, took a moment to breathe. He shivered as Prismo pet his back.

"So you know what I did? I stole a crystal from the Judgement Hall. Right out from Orbo's nose. It's the same crystal that was in my cane. I learned how to use it. I mastered how to use it. And I killed the mouth in the void. It tried to eat my world, and I skewered it in the throat."

Prismo looked at his love in awe, and Scarab couldn't help but preen. He, lowly little bug Scarab, took down a cosmic threat. Without help.

"That is what got me Noticed by the Boss. I earned my godhood. I clawed it out of the higher up's hands. They've never forgiven me for it. But I don't care much anymore. I used to. I used to care too much. I had learned that no one liked bugs. I was never meant to be there. No one wanted me to succeed. But I did. Out of spite, I did it."

Scarab didn't know when he had started standing up, but he was standing now. His elytra had opened, his sorry wings trying to flutter behind him. Prismo still had that look of awe.

"...You're incredible, you know that?"

The beetle would deny the blush on his face till the day he died, but that didn't deter the Wishmaster from pressing a kiss there anyway.

"Like... woah. You're like a superhero. I know you haven't been back home in... a long time. But... I hope the people there remembered you. I hope they knew what you did for them. I hope you know that you deserved what you achieved."

"...Thank you, Prismo. I think I do know that. At least... I do now. Because their lessons were wrong. There is someone who... likes bugs."

"Guilty as charged, Lovebug." Prismo hit him with a dopey, affectionate expression, pressing his face into Scarab's side.

"Get off of me, Prismo!" Scarab batted at his head, but with no real intention of actually pushing the Wishmaster away. After a few halfhearted attempts, he leaned into the warmth, chirping contentedly. "...Thank you for asking, by the way. It has been... a very long time since I thought of home. It was nice to share a part of it with someone. And I'm glad that someone was you."

"Aww, no problem beautiful. Thanks for sharing with me."

The pair of them returned to the comfortable silence from before this conversation, just now with Prismo's face pressed against Scarab's chest.

There were a lot of thoughts swirling in Scarab's head at that second. Thinking of Home tended to do that. But, there was something that the talk dug up. Something he remembered looking forward to someday...

So, he started to sing. His chirps and trills carried a melody to fill the quiet Time Room.

He remembered spending an embarrassing amount of time practicing it. Back when he had little else to care about than what he was eating that night. He practiced in a secluded spot in his burrow, for hours every night.

He hadn't told the Wishmaster everything about his old culture yet for a reason. Maybe he will someday. Maybe then he'll tell Prismo about the tradition of the love drone. A song unique to the singer, sung only to a chosen mate.

A song Scarab was happily singing, right that moment.

[soniadamasco]

I found what Miri said to Kyu about not wanting to go home interesting because it's been like three months at this point and she doesn't seem to show any signs of missing Misaki or wanting to see her mom again. And yet she did still say back in ep 2 that she hoped her mom wasn't lonely. Could it be that she's not as oblivious to her situation as it looks and that she knows to some extent that her mom isn't in a state to be in her life?

That's a very interesting observation and I agree with you that's it's strange how she doesn't seem to miss her mom. I thought about that for a while and, while like you I think that she's more aware about what's going on around her than we believe, something else came to my mind.

You see, since ep. 1 Miri has always been a very independent kid: travelling alone all the way to find her papa, always escaping and trying to do things by herself. While kids at that age love to explore and try their hands at everything, it's quite strange for me how calm she is in those situations.

I believe Miri is actually used to be an independent kid because she was pretty often left by herself. Misaki doesn't seem to be a "bad mom" as in like a violent or verbally abusive parent, but she's also a working single mother. When Miri sings her mom's song in ep. 2 I believe she's recollecting a memory, probably from being at one of her mom's shows. Since we know Misaki is struggling with money, I find it very likely that she might have brought Miri along to her job, where she was left alone while her mom was working.

Aside from Misaki having little time to spend with Miri because of her work, I don't think she ever tried to take care of her aside from her basic needs. Yes, she cooked for her, dressed her and she did all those other things you have to do to keep a child alive, but was she ever present emotionally? I don't think so, considering even those basic things felt like a burden for her. It's easy to do those things without caring for someone, just because you feel obligated, but it's way harder to fake an emotional connection.

I still believe Miri cares a lot about her mom, but I also think she's used not to be around her. The fact that she didn't freak out the first time Rei and Kazuki left her alone in the house makes me also think that Misaki might've already left her at home by herself.

Another thing that makes me believe there is very little emotional connection between Miri and Misaki is how she answers to Kyutaro when he asks her if her family misses her:

See how she deflects the answer towards herself? My guess is that probably she cannot understand the idea of her mom being worried about her, because she never saw that emotion in Misaki. Instead, she reassures him by telling him she's fine with living with her papas.

Why is that? I believe that Kazuki and Rei are giving her exactly what her mom couldn't give her, which is emotional care. Look how she continues with her answer:

Those are the two most important things she can think about to show how well they're taking care of her. Yes, Kazuki is naturally great at cooking, but remember how she didn't like his hamburgers at first? And remember how he bought the ones from the store and also the cereals which she likes? With just this he's showing her attention, he shows her that he cares about what she likes and is ready to follow that direction because he knows it will make her happy. She feels like he's listening to her and that's very important for a child.

Another very important thing for children is spending quality time with their parents, just like Miri does when Rei plays videogames with her. We know he's not the best socially speaking, but he found a way to connect with Miri through something that he knows how to do well. Even playing a game together is a way to grow an emotional connection and I believe Miri is aware that this is Rei's way to show he cares about her.

Lastly, she says another important thing:

Look at how sure she is when she says they'll always be with her. That is a sense of stability that no one else but Kazuki and Rei could give to Miri. She trusts that they will keep being with her because she knows how much they love her and there is no doubt in her mind. After probably being emotionally neglected by her mother, that's a huge thing to say, which shows how safe she feels around them.

At the end I still think Miri misses her mom, but she realises that Misaki could never give her the same love that Kazuki and Rei are showing her everyday. That is one of the most important things for a child. Actually, for every person regardless of age. Love is what makes you feel at home and now for Miri home is where Kazuki and Rei are.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

After reading your metas I was thinking about Edward’s internalized homophobia. Could he ever overcome it? Could Carlisle explaining that he is also not straight help? I mean, Edward thinks Carlisle is the best thing in the world, if someone as great as Carlisle is bisexual then being gay or queer can’t be so bad right?

Why I think Edward is gay.

Can He Overcome It?

Well, it's not impossible, but I will say that Edward doesn't want to.

First, he doesn't even realize this about himself. Before Bella he thought he was asexual, if anything, and simply not interested in anyone and doomed to be lonely. The idea that he likes his father in a non-filial way doesn't even occur to him, homosexuality is just a non-concept to him.

If you suggest to him that he is gay then, he'd give you a funny look, and wonder if you're trying to insult him for being single. Or, if he's already married to Bella, he'd give you an even funnier look and note that he's married to a woman and has a daughter.

What are you on about?

Second is that there's a certain romanticized person that Edward wants to be.

Edward wants to be, in terms of his... I guess we'll call it culture, a romanticized man of his youth in the 1910's. He explains as much to Bella. He wants to be seen as a gentleman, to court her properly, marry her properly, and be every inch the human man he should have been.

Now, this is a very rose-colored view of that time period, one that Edward's clearly painted in his head. It's allowed to be perfect for him because it doesn't exist anymore and is a collection of recollections and stereotypes.

The point is though that Edward wants to be as much as he can like an ordinary, refined, man who would marry a woman. He would not at all want to deviate from that path (anymore than he already has being a vampire and doomed to be a monster and live at the edge of this modern world he doesn't even like that much).

Edward would need some catalyst to confront this and it would not be something pleasant. His marriage with Bella would have to fall apart, or if it's before Bella, then his life among the Cullens would have to be jeopardized. He would have to question everything he is and worse everything he wants to be.

Edward doesn't want to do that.

At all.

And I don't see him doing it naturally.

What if Carlisle Told Him

First, how would Carlisle know? Carlisle's fear is that he turned Edward too young for the uh puberty to kick in he has no reason to question Edward's sexuality beyond that point (especially when Edward's showing no interest in anyone, man or woman, as Carlisle certainly isn't picking up the thoughts in his direction, no siree).

Second, why would he do that? This is something Edward has to figure out for himself, you can't hit the easy button and walk up to your son and say, "Son, I think you're gay, and you should stop pretending you aren't." Not only is that extremely invasive and not that helpful, but it again is something Edward can't just be told and has to figure out for himself.

But if he did, Edward would just be appalled. If it's when Bella's in the picture, then Carlisle's essentially telling him Edward's unfit to be her significant other for what Edward would see as a personality flaw. If it's beforehand, then Edward would see this as Carlisle slighting Edward in showing that Edward's not what he wishes he was.

We don't get Edward's feelings on LGBQT+ in the series but given his thoughts on everything else, I see him as the "it's fine if you're other people", e.g. not Edward himself.

But more to the point, people confront Edward with things all the time. Bella confronts him with her very real mortality, if he doesn't turn her she will die. Alice confronts him with the fact that Bella will either be devoured by him or turn. Edward digs his heels in.

He's not going to be any different with anything else.

[yurisorcerer]

I think Girls Band Cry has finally edged out Jellyfish as my girl band show of the season, and probably my favorite overall as well. I caved and caught up with the other group doing fansubs (their translations are on par, although the subs themselves aren't as fancy), and I just....wow. There's a lot to process here. This post is going to be long.

So, Nina's pa is aware of her faltering grades and now that she's talked to her sister about the band, her family is probably going to know all about that soon as well. Naturally, she has not told any of this to said band. The girl's natural inclination to simply Not Tell People Things is going to absolutely blow up in the second half of the show, I'm sure.

The use of traditional flat animation to convey the past---bygone periods of one's life, memories that have gotten hazy in the recollection---is probably the smartest thing Girls Band Cry does visually. Other uses of 2D animation in the series can feel like a concession, these very much do not.

Of course I wrote that and then they did the broken glass split shot thing when Momoka announced she was leaving the band, so I don't know. The series is just very inventive, visually, and I like that, even if most of the visual symbolism is not necessarily subtle.

Mine, the character in red who's given a supporting role here for what is honestly not a ton of screentime, makes an immense impact in the brief amount that she's on screen. We have somebody here who is herself not "successful" in the broad-stroke pop star sense, but who is clearly at least getting by and making a living with her music. It's inspiring, in a way, and I think that Nina might feel that way too.

I've avoided using the P-word much in my writing lately, because I think it's easy to attribute to passion all sorts of other emotions that might be described better with other terms, but if we read this work as a reflective one, we can assume that the people working on it feel similarly to Mine about their own profession. Things can be difficult, they can be hard, but you push through for your own sake. Because, if you're really that devoted to what you're doing, you almost have to.

In another piece of awesome yet obvious visual symbolism, when Nina redoubles her commitment to the band, she runs to a nearby lake and happens to catch the start of a fireworks show. I kind of love this series.

In episode 7's final moments, in the middle of a concert, the band, which has remained nameless for the entire first half of the show, is finally (and hastily) christened Togenashi Togenari. A literal line-of-sight name, because Nina is an insane person.

Episode 8 opens on a flashback, immediately reflecting Nina's current desire to drop out of school with Momoka's past plan to do the exact same thing. This entire section is flat animated, which to me is enough evidence to confirm that the show's usage of 2D animation to represent the past is an intentional stylistic choice.

Momoka remarks that if Diamond Dust gives themselves an escape route from their desire to make it big, they'll definitely end up using it rather than succeeding, so they shouldn't make one. It's interesting to note that this is the same philosophy that no less an artist than Eminem once advocated. I'm not sure it's the best advice, necessarily, but you can't deny the drive.

Subaru correctly points out that Nina's drive to succeed isn't as far-fetched as it seems, given various factors (those listed include; Tomo & Rupa being somewhat notable indie musicians, Momoka being an ex member of Diamond Dust to begin with, an endorsement on Twitter from another singer, etc.) Nina's plan is no plan---the same that Momoka had as a teenager---no escape routes, no backup plans.

It's notable that Nina's memories don't get the 2D treatment, and I think that may be because unlike Momoka, she's not romanticizing her own past. Momoka, we can clearly see by this point, is guilty of seeing Nina as a slightly younger version of herself in too literal a sense. She thinks that because she failed with Diamond Dust, she'll fail with Togenashi Togenari too, and that Nina will fail with Togenashi Togenari too, because "that's how these things go." She fails to consider that the only data point she's operating off of is her own, and what the final scene---and the inevitable confrontation with the renewed Diamond Dust---tells us, which is that the original group splitting up might have been best for both them and Momoka.

And then there's the final scene, which I find hard to put into words. It's just so much. Momoka cranking her own old song, crying her eyes out, as Nina says she loves her (!!!!!) as they speed down the highway. This show is unhinged. I love it to pieces.

Truly we are in the middle of a girls band revolution. I never like to promise these things, but I might review this when it's over.

Worth noting! The show TRENDED ON TWITTER FOR SEVERAL HOURS after this episode aired. It really does feel like an *event.* I haven't seen this many people pop for an original anime in ages.

[skayafair]

John, Lies and Trust, and the Dark World Pt.4

Part 3

After the Dark World

First and foremost I'll note one thing.

The way Kayne put it, one could think John rolled all the way back to how he used to be as the King completely.

Except we KNOW for a fact that it couldn't be farther from the truth. John didn't argue because he was drowning in guilt as is, both for the deal and all that happened because of them coming to NY (Oscar and Noel included).

But the way he appeared in s3. Gods. He was SHAKEN to his core. By the fact that Arthur was in danger and in the process of being thrown into another fucking pit again, by how happy Arthur was to meet him, but also - how Arthur seemed to abandon his own moral principles and had no problems with committing everything he used to berate John for.

I said the fact that John kept his promise to never forget Arthur was important. That's one of the reasons why and how. I believe he kept the memory of his friend, how Arthur strived to be a better man and help those in need whenever he could. Arthur's image was his moral compass and his lighthouse in the Dark World yes this is the "Faroe is Arthur's guiding light and is reminiscent of "pharos", the lighthouse" reference, the only blueprint of how to be human and not fall back into being a monster completely.

How should it have felt to see this very lighthouse to crumble to pieces the moment they met again.

What makes me think John didn't fall back to his old ways as much as Kayne wanted to paint it is the fact that initially John was shocked at everything going on with Arthur and around them. All the deaths, the violence... everything he hoped he escaped returning to his guiding light was right there, before his eys again.

And if Arthur was only a vessel to deliver to the Stone and John didn't care about Arthur himself, John would have approved of all he saw, actually. Arthur was in survival mode. He could have succeded in killing Larson, John knew as much, they dealt with worse. And he wouldn't have risked his life saving others. Arthur didn't intend to. It was the easiest thing to convince him to just follow Larson to New York after they got out of the mines, and just like that the deal would have been fulfilled.

But no.

John couldn't help not only being shocked and disgusted with what he witnessed, but also telling Arthur all he thought about it. He couldn't help it. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but one can't genuinely be this way one moment and a totally different, say, a few hours or even days before. It's involuntary, inherent to the personality. Fuck you, Kayne, you failed at bringing John down as far as you wanted to.

Later John recollects himself and what he did by all the lecturing catches up to him, so he tries to correct the situation as much as possible to keep Arthur from throwing himself into another extreme (still fully suicidal and feral but for the sake of others this time). But the first reaction is more important here.

Besides, even later he theoretically (since we know John's shit at this) could have tried to manipulate Arthur into not risking their lives by dealing with the mines monster, buuuut... he chose not to. Several times there were high chances they would simply die, but he went along with it. Because that's the way they both are, and abandoning these principles would have meant abandoning himself as well, which makes the idea of living meaningless by the definition.

By the way, I'm not trying to whitewash any of John's actions during s3 and 4. He did manipulate Arthur quite a lot and that's bad in on itself. Yet... he lied only when he would have had to tell about the deal otherwise - and when it came to Oscar. Wow this whole Oscar situation really got to John didn't it. THAT'S when he sank really low, worse than any other time actually, since I don't recall him trying to trick Arthur into killing anyone before.

And the manupulation itself... I'm sorry, it was even worse than in the very beginning. It was so easy to tell when he was earnest and when he tried to push Arthur's buttons, like calling to his ideals with following the Order to NY to save its potential future victims, or "killing Larson would mean we won't know how to find the stone" in the finale. So obvious. I'm not sure if it was on purpose, to give Arthur more hints that "hey friend I'm not happy about doing this but the choice is scarce, I can't be direct about it but be cautious", or he's genuinely this bad at it because he doesn't like it. Let's agree it's 50/50, I guess :'D

Also about his uneasiness with killing Larson and Yellow along with him. I'm sad to tell it was only out of John's wish to survive, not because he was sympathetic with Yellow :') He was postponing the explanation for sooo long. I guess the weight of his guilt because of the deal (which was stricken to save himself) was too much already to admit this one more thing. Was John ashamed of this? Is that why he saved a perfectly sensible reason not to kill Larson&Yellow Arthur would have totally taken into consideration? Why he had to invent another explanation? Poor John </3

[buckys-dollface]

The Note [B. B]

Summary: You have been keeping the whereabouts of Bucky Barnes underwraps, otherwise know as The Winter Solider. This typically wouldn't be an issue if Steve and Hydra weren't hunting his every move.

Warnings: 18+: swearing, protective steve, beefy!Civil War Bucky, deception, angst, coercion, fem!oral, unprotected sex

“Why did you lie to me?”

You felt your body slam against the wall. A beat of silence passes as panic swells. You could feel the waves of tension rolling off your back. Your mind began to race, attempting to recollect your thoughts but it's no use. You feel overwhelmed almost instantly. One, with Steve's constant badgering, and two with the sudden worry that something is wrong. Very wrong.

“I asked you a question, Y/N. You knew where Bucky was, and you let him go?” You could hear the sudden change in Steve's voice. The assertiveness he would use with new recruits, his "Captain" voice; the one to intimidate and yank out the truth— he was using it one you. You never figured you would be on the other side of darkness that leered over Captain America and all that surrounded him. But here you are, and you weren't prepared at all.

You didn't have a good answer. Well, you did but it wasn't suitable for Steve. Especially when Bucky was missing yet again.

"I don't know." You mumbled.

"You don't know? That's bullshit Y/N, and you know it!" You took a shaky breath, knowing no matter what this wasn't going to be easy for either one of you.

"Steve-"

"No! No- and when we're you planning on telling me any of this?"

Never. You wanted to say never. The privacy and intimacy on this past weekend was something you wanted to keep locked away in your soul forever, but forever seemed to float away in a minute. Your eyelids fluttered shut.

You wished you slammed the door when you saw Steve. You knew what he was here for and instead, because you're a decent person, you allowed him in. Now everything is ruined.

“I was, but-“ Your voice was barely a whisper, you couldn’t understand how you allowed yourself to cave under the pressure known as Steve Rogers but you did. You were truly frightened by how mad he had gone.

“But what?” Deep breath.

“But he insisted I didn’t say I word.” The sneer that was forming on his face fell almost instantly. His eyes soften and his mouth fell agape. Steve knew who he was. It wasn’t hard to gather, you didn’t have to be Captain America to figure it out.

Steve took a few steps back from you, finally allowing you your space. He was heartbroken, why did Bucky skip town after saving Steve’s life? He had so many questions for Bucky, and at the very least wanted a hug. It has been 70 years.

“I know you’re angry.”

“I think we’re way past that.” He corrected sternly. He shouldered past you as he found a spot on your couch. His eyes found yours and there was nothing but coldness in his blue irises.

“Tell me what happened.” He ordered. You eyes began to widen.

“I don't think you want to hear all the gory details-”

“Now, Agent. I don't have all day. If I'm not looking for Bucky, Hydra sure is.” Fuck, he had a point and that tantalizing detail struck you down.

“You love him?”

"I barely know him."

"Then why are you keeping the whereabouts of a stranger a secret?"

You didn't love him and you barely know him. But that didn't mean you didn't yearned for him.

Full verison comes out on Friday

tagged for preview and feedback: @teambarnes72, @writing-for-marvel

[senka-mesecine]

Super late to the party on this but I played Far Cry 3 for the first time ever recently and just wanted to say your Hoyt content is INCREDIBLE. You really fleshed out a villain who deserved far more development and screen time than he got.

also v random but I’ve seen a semi-common thing mentioned in any fic about him owning five villas but I don’t remember hearing anyone say that in the game? Do you have any idea where it came from? You seem like pretty much the definitive expert on his character lol

Won't lie, but I don't remember either (😬) because the last time I played this game was eons ago (and I'm not active in this fandom anymore) so frankly, I would definitely have to brush up my lore to see where the 'Hoyt Volker owns five villas' thing originated from in the first place (Maybe a side-character mentions it? I don't recall anymore. Sorry. Would be hilarious if it originated from me and I have no recollection of it.) but I like to think it is simply a logical piece of fanon, among others. Man's a slave trafficker. Arms dealer. Drug peddler. A whoremongerer. The biggest one in the South Pacific. It's a very lucrative, albeit horrendously ethically wrong sort of business. It's easy to become filthy rich when you've no qualms about stepping on other people's backs to acquire it. Stands to reason that outside of his bubble on Rook Island, the man actually lives, boasts and maintains a lavish lifestyle...that is, if he was ever off of that archipelago enough to actually enjoy it, because that damned place doesn't let anyone get off, invertedly tying and trapping everyone and everything in its midst and most people aren't even aware of it. Therein lies a huge bit of irony about Hoyt.

Man's richer than God.

He runs everything he surveys within this microcosm, sure, but he's also overworked, greasy, cranky and looks like he's seen better days. Has the appearance of a common street pimp too, rather than someone who's effectively a millionaire. Looks like he hasn't left Rook Island in ages either, so whatever bit of revenue, real estate, ships, boats, money, wealth, cars and luxuries this guy owns, and I'm certain he technically owns a lot, is let unattended, unused and unsavoured somewhere abroad, because even Hoyt himself might not realize just why he has never left his base on Rook Island to actually indulge in the spoils of his own hard work. But, that's why Rook Island is so eerie and accursed. Why it has such a mystical quality to it, almost like an entity with a will of its own. Because Volker has profited off of exploiting the place for decades. The people on it. He turned its hallowed wildlife and sacred grounds into a base for his illegal operations. Its nature into fields where he grows his narcotics. Transformed the place into a gathering place for privateers, pirates, junkies and hookers. Rook Island has a way to repay that offence, ensuring Volker never leaves to actually be able to find joy in any of the material goods he's earned through his labor, in some beautiful villa somewhere, soaking in a jacuzzi with a martini glass, even though he owns that and much, much more.

Nope. Rook and his office is where he stays.

Occasionally going out dish out some order and authority when it's required to the other ends of the islands and come back and continue his same old routine, at that very desk, in that very chair, overlooking the courtyard to his equally decrepit looking compound.

Of course he has five villas.

Never lived in them a day in his life, though.

[starkidsbackbababababa]

jsyk @/vesperione is calling you a pedophile

Yes, I am aware of this. We interacted often about a year and a half ago. I was closer with who was our mutual friend, but as far as I can tell he doesn't seem to be involved in this so I won't say anything about him. Vesperione, a minor, and I, for part of our friendship and older minor and the other part a young adult as far as my memory serves, were roleplayers and friends for a time. At some point they invited me to an instagram group chat with themself, the "he" from before, who made me feel better about being invited, as well as all of their other mutual friends. I talked and joked in there some times, but I always felt like my jokes didn't land in that group. I asked our mutual if I was fitting in okay and he said I was fine, but after that at some point, I'd made a joke in response to someone else's about us not having a life because we spent all our time on social media. Vesperione was very upset by this joke because as I recall they'd had stalker problems online in the past, and it triggered them. I asked if it was a good idea that I leave the group chat, and they said yes, and so I did without hesitation. I was later blocked by both them and our then mutual, which was very painful, so much so that I oened an old account and tried to reach out to him specifically again to talk, but I was later informed by someone else that that had made him quite uncomfortable, and I can understand why. That wasn't the smartest move, and I should have let him be. I'm not perfect, just not a pedophile. They have a selection of screenshots, and perhaps or perhaps not several more I haven't seen, but I'll briefly go over what I've seen posted. Photos of male nipples with zippers photoshopped over them, with text in between saying "STOP I'M MORTIFIED" This started as a joke in messages, i forget how it came to be but the "Zipple" was created by myself and either the HE or Ves themself, which I then made several photos for, which I was showing to them because I was going to make a video out of it, because I thought it was very funny. I was not just sending nipple photos to minors. Here's the video. If I recall, the "script" was pulled direct from our conversations. https://youtube.com/shorts/L3ljLx_DA0g?si=xC0HSdzzYMhBhdzo PSA Nonce

As far as I can remember, I had 2 rps with these 2 ex friends. One where some key hatchetfield characters were trapped in Henry's basement shelter to survive from a nuke, and one with John McNamera and Xander, and some other side characters like Charles. Neither of these to my recollection had sexual themes. Henry found chad in the first one, but that was played very sweet, not crass. Also in that one I think Linda and Tom had to share a pull out couch bed due to the lack of beds in his basement, and they woke up in each others arms with Linda thinking he was Gerald, since he looked so similar. But that was played for jokes, or at MOST a possible sweet romantic plot down the line. As for the PEIP RP, I don't remember anything remotely sexual or possibly sexual happening in it. They were dating, but as far as I can remember (And I can't check since I'm blocked) There was no sexual action whatsoever. I never had any sexual roleplays or conversations with these people, or anybody else whom I knew was under age for that matter. I have definitely roleplayed smut, but never knowingly so with a minor. Fuck my phone, fuck it up the charging port, do it.

This one might seem completely inappropriate, but this was the usual way we as friends talked. Messages I CAN still see from screenshots and one single thread include "Well fuck their pretty little bleached A" and "DOOR IS EASY, DOOR IS GOOD.". We were very chaotic, and though consistency doesn't make it okay, AT ALL, they had every chance on many occasions to make it known that those jokes made them uncomfortable, or end the friendship and block me, which again, they did not do until I DID make them uncomfortable with a joke. I'm not saying it was impossible that they were uncomfortable during our conversations, but it was never made known to me that the balance I'd found in our messages was wrong and not to their liking. Fuck me stiff n call me drift wood.

There is very very little context provided for this comment. I have no clue why I'm saying that, but it's obviously just an exaggerated reaction, in a once again very chaotic and consistent conversation chain. Doesn't make it right, it just makes the point that this was once again not something they took overt offence to at that time. They even show that they'd hearted the message, which is in fairness the basic react emoji for Instagram but it implies that they didn't dislike or find any harm in the joking comment. Final image is 3 people who I considered friends only 24 hours ago saying they'd always felt weird about me, 2 named and one anon. Krow was the one who invited me to that particular Discord server, and the only one to actually tell me what the fuck was happening with all this, so I respect her for that and wish her well. Hypno apparently always felt off about me, but again I had no idea and nothing specific was said, just that my vibes were off. If I did do something troubling, I'd hope they would have reached out to me to talk to me about it, but nothing seemed off at all until I was suddenly kicked from that server without notice. And to the third anon, I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. Again, and I made this known several times over my time on the server, that if anybody thought I crossed a line, I'd be happy to change mt behavior accordingly. About a week ago, I was contacted by a mod from the Hatchetfield Bang event I was a part of for a very similar reason, "Pressured NSFW roleplay with minors". My response, paraphrased, was that I recalled no such instances in which I'd knowingly asked to partake in ERP with a minor. I also brought up that I'd had some friendships end rather nastily in the SK community, and that I wasn't going to directly invalidate anybody's experiences or claims, "there’s something to be said for someone wanting to specifically target me." Vesperione is a prolific Hatchetfield fanfic writer, whom I think found my account through the bang, and wanted to get me out. After talking to the moderator, I agreed it would be bad to have me paired with that specific person, or any minors given the nature of the accusation, and I was allowed to stay, until only an hour ago when I was kicked from the server, along with many many others as these screenshots and perhaps other things I don't know of yet circulate around the community. But, this is my recollection of the things shown in the screenshot that I saw. If there is more evidence to talk about, please feel free to send it to me so I can see it, and I promise that I will post it and talk about it no matter what it looks like or how damning it seems to be, if there is anything to be considered "Damning". If i'm wrong, and I did absolutely fuck up and try to force minors to roleplay NSFW, then I will say that, and apologize for it, and let whatever may happen happen because that is wrong.

[annab-nana]

congrats!!! could i please request [ NURSE ] for one muse to tend to the other while they’re recovering from injuries” with steve?🥰

of course i can <3

warnings: not proofread, cleaning blood, being bullied in the past, slut-shaming of reader and nancy

❀ masterlist ❀

your friendship with steve was one of your longest. you'd known each other since you were in diapers. being neighbors will do that. when you two got into high school and he went his 'king steve' route with tommy—someone you hated and steve knew that going in—and carol, there were things he did you weren't fond of so there was a new distance between you both. but, if you ever needed each other, you knew he'd be there for you and you for him as well.

that being said, you had never been as angry with steve as you were now.

at first, when you saw his beat-up face, you were worried and rushed over to his house where he was getting out of his car. then, you pulled him inside while he explained to you that he got into a fight with jonathan byers. you didn't really know the guy, but it seemed he had some fight in him to leave this kind of mark on steve. he also didn't seem like the type to just up and fight someone, unless he had a motive which was your next question.

"steve," you called his name when he didn't answer you the first time. you dabbed the rag at his cheek while waiting for a reply.

"you know how nancy and i have kinda had a thing going on recently?"

and that's when it clicked. you'd seen the artwork spraypainted on the sign at the hawk when you and your mom drove by earlier. you thought steve would be crushed to see it, not that he was the one behind it.

your hand stopped moving the rag while you stared at him in disbelief. you had to ask because he wouldn't do that. your steve would never, right? "you did that?"

the way he hung his head in shame told you everything you needed to know. you were disappointed, angry, and most of all, hurt. it was like he had forgotten all about your past experiences or either he remembered and didn't care. you moved to continue cleaning and patching him up but you weren't as careful or gentle with it. you just wanted out of here, away from him.

"could you be a little softer maybe?" steve requested.

you dropped the rag in his hand. "you can do it yourself." you stepped back to leave, but steve's fingers circled your wrist to stop you.

"hey," he started, his voice sounding sincere, "why are you upset?"

you scoffed. "you don't remember, do you?"

his brows furrowed as he wracked his brain in search of any recollection that could somehow correlate to what was going on now. you could see he didn't remember so you jogged his memory.

"your bestie, tommy, freshmen year, made my life hell. before he got with carol, he tried me, but i wasn't interested. he didn't get the hint and kept on and on until i put my foot down in front his friends. but that embarrassed him so he had to do worse to me. he spread the rumor that i was easy to get in bed and that i was one of the worst fucks he ever had. then, he sent his friend, charlie to harass me as well. jonathan byers actually checked in on me during that time while you were so into becoming king steve. eddie munson, another kid that everyone in school picks on, walked with me to class the rest of that year because charlie wasn't going to come anywhere near the 'freak'. any of this ringing a bell, steve?"

he nodded solemnly.

"you need to rethink the people you keep around. they're changing the steve i fell in love with."

his head snapped up, not at all helping the headache he had. he never thought he had a chance with you so he never even tried. now, he wasted his time on other girls and blew his shot by being an ass. "you're in love with me?"

"yeah, i was." you tried to leave again, but the call of your name halted your steps.

he let out a sigh when you turned to face him. "i-i'm sorry."

"it's not me you need to apologize to."

remember to support writers & reblog :)

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[omgkalyppso]

For Étoile/Astarion please:

🍰 What is 'their song'? Officially or unofficially.

🩷 What is the sweetest thing they've done for one another?

🤎 How do they comfort each other?

💋 What is their favorite place to kiss their partner? Do either enjoy 'leaving a mark'?

For Étoile/Halsin please:

🩷 What is the sweetest thing they've done for one another?

🤎 How do they comfort each other?

♪(^∇^*) Thank you for the ask!

Étoile and Astarion

🍰 I'm not sure what officially and unofficially might mean in this context.

A song from their playlist which I wouldn't give them awareness of even in modern fic is Hot Tea by half-alive. Sharing a lyric video because the official video of the song is weird and I am not a fan of the interpretative dance in it fdhtdfghgdf :

A song I'd be willing to give them awareness of in a modern setting is Wicked Game by Chris Isaak which I'm inspired to take off of Neil's Astarion playlist. It has very strong vibes of one of the last songs played at an event where people are inebriated and tired, swaying slowly; or could just be something that Astarion turns off on a radio for being a little too on the nose; or fits the mood of an intimate scene like the love scene in Dirty Dancing to me. Anyway:

🩷 <- I can copy and paste this but I can't see this emoji, whatever it is.

I suppose it depends on your definition of sweet, because I imagine I could think up some gifts and surprises, recollections and whatever else. Instead, I'll pick pivotal moments of "sweetness," which I think if I remember right I told some various friends on discord but aren't exactly me repeating myself here.

Raphael's pronouncement of victory is something I hope to one day explore in fic for Étoile. Initially I'd speculated that it could have happened even the very same night as the long rest after the netherbrain, with Astarion's last scene before the credits. But now there's the epilogue and to honour something like it, that means it's at least six months later — I'll probably place it nearer 2 years post-canon, with Raphael's intended return 10 years post-canon.

Étoile's anxiety loses some of it's bite this way, but to re-iterate. They (are and) feel so responsible, and they feel that as a result of this that they are and will be so alone in having to sound out a solution and / or battle plan to face Raphael. They expect that if a solution can be found that this time stopping the person who wields the Crown will demand their life. They won't be able to picture the vampire spawn's recent, precarious alliance, living situation, lifestyle, can handle both their and Astarion's sudden departure. They imagine themself hindered in travel and resources trying to come up with an answer, and Astarion being unable to follow, whether across the Material Plane or at least into Baator, where they don't even know if there's a night-day cycle or whether the fires that burn are ones that a vampire could stand in the presence of. If it's hard for them to admit to all this other shame, it's easy for them to be vulnerable in conversation with Astarion about how they wanted this life with him, with his their people, and how after a few hundred years if it hadn't come up that they would have asked if he'd wanted to turn them, which is as much as a commitment as either of them could make.

Anyway, it's sweet of Astarion to hold back an "I told you so" for more than a week, to reassure Étoile that their people will be fine with the pair of them coming and going because they will have to be, among any other number of reassurances he makes. It is sweet of him to recognize that he could take this as a cue to step away from "an adventurer's" problems (with all the problems of community, politics, lifestyle and "inheritance" that he has had to deal with since the end of the Gate's last disaster) and away from all semblance of "commitment" that had been so alien and chafing and frightful and difficult in this relationship; and instead decide that even this impossible challenge and all the other problems were perhaps just as rewarding (if not moreso) than the domestic rewards — never as an elf nor as a vampire had he ever wanted an unremarkable life.

For Étoile's moment of sweetness, I may have spoken before about how I have dialogue for a "mirror scene" blocked out. I waffle on whether it'll get written not just because I have so many wips, but also because I worry Everyone who writes Astarion has written a mirror scene and so I worry I bring little new to the table. Even so, my mirror scene has Astarion's final moment of "Just tell me I'm beautiful and we can call it a day" result in anger. Astarion whining, exasperated, "It doesn't feel good. Why doesn't it feel good? Is it because I asked?" And this resulting in an extra conversation in the shadow-cursed lands before the hug scene, where part of my blocked dialogue includes the following; they are laying spooned together:

Astarion: [after a breath] When you called me beautiful … it was the first time in two hundred years that it wasn't said by a victim or someone … looking to take advantage. Whose words meant nothing and were … an expectation. Part of a process. An undignified one. It was the first time in two hundred years the word wasn't Cazador's. To call me beautiful while I was flayed open, or bleeding from the mouth, or— [he tenses, not quite ready to cry. Étoile squeezes and slowly takes his hand] Étoile: Your body is your own. [They bring his fingers to their lips for a kiss, Astarion chooses to follow the movement to face them] My words are mine. I don't want to make you feel like that. Astarion: I know. Étoile: [Releases Astarion's hand to put their hand on his chest] I'm glad you know. I want to say these things anyway. [Astarion strokes back some of their hair] I want you to hear them.

And how this scene would fucking fly to the forefront of Étoile's mind in addition to their moments of sexual intimacy during the hug scene. They would have the knee-jerk reaction of those moments having been all lies, of themself and their body being revolting to Astarion for an unknown how-long, until it's more obvious to them that Astarion's point is that these moments weren't as repulsive as they should've been, and far more sincere than he could have stomached without coming forward. It is these moments of communication and respect which endear Astarion to Étoile and earn his shaky trust.

Also shout out to Astarion for being "sweet" enough to travel across four countries with Étoile for them to see their home (and their mother?) one last time with living eyes before vampirism. (Even knowing this was going to be difficult as all hell if Aranea's still living on her mountain.)

🤎 While this is kind of answered in the last emoji, I feel like this is extremely conditional. Étoile needing to be comforted in grief is not the same as them needing to be comforted after being slighted publicly. Astarion needing to be comforted because of the oppressive weight of days of earth overhead in the Underdark is not the same as needing to be comforted because one of his siblings (Violet) trying to kill one another (Yousen). Sometimes it's an embrace and conversation, sometimes it's threatening to eviscerate one's enemies (sometimes it's following through). A lot of the time for them it's space and an invitation of their presence, whether that's a cup of tea or distraction like paperwork / letters / a reminder of life outside of what ails them.

💋 Étoile far prefers to be marked than doing the marking, but that doesn't mean their lovers don't end up with the occasional fading signs of intimacy. Their own most obvious such marks are more permanent even before vampirism anyway, and all from Astarion; scars of bites, technically sources of feeding but also signs of play, on the right side of their neck, on their left breast up close to their breast plate / center of their chest, on the inside of their left thigh. Indicative of Astarion enjoying where he can, or could once pre-vampirism, feel the pulse under their skin loudest. Other such bites didn't scar, and others still were not for feeding and healed even more swiftly. Étoile would say their favorite place to kiss Astarion is his mouth, both for the pleasure of his lips and the danger of his teeth; if needing to select somewhere "more interesting" then in public they'd say at the center of his brow, and in private they'd still flush in embarrassment about how they think it's somehow rude to choose his ass.

Étoile and Halsin

🩷 The sweetest thing Halsin does for Étoile (and Astarion), besides keep them in his heart, is construct an underground shelter (the first of many) in his Moonrise Village to alleviate the burden of the far more numerous population in their care, even by a few bodies, even temporarily.

I repeat myself a lot, but I think Étoile's sweetest gesture to Halsin is near the end of his long life, counselling on what an unlife could be, offering to turn him either within the laws and context of their vampire community or secretly otherwise, with reassurance that they would happily accept him into their home if all beasts and men turned from him as a decree from his Oakfather for the abberation of vampirism, and the sentiment "if I meet you in hell then it's not hell."

Prior to that I think a visit from Étoile (and Astarion) to Halsin's Moonrise Village: an appointment kept despite how others in the Village might be absent on their own adventures or lost to time, would be the sweetest thing in Halsin's biased opinion. Six days travel (twelve both ways) just to see him? Not for healing, nor counsel, nor to take on more people or projects of druidic magic or infrastructure. Not a plight of adventure, not a disappointment for it being just him. Just a visit, to share his company and whatever that entails; when they could have just stayed home, rescheduled until others returned and the visit felt of greater worth.

🤎 I stand by comfort being highly conditional, but I do think Halsin is far more susceptible to words of comfort. Étoile talks to Halsin in the context of faith, while theirs is for Auril and his is for Silvanus. It helps. Étoile is comforted by how earnest Halsin is; he was very critical when they first met, and remains just as free with his criticisms when people lose his respect. There are oceans of time between the moments of Halsin's impatience with Étoile, and there were times where he was more forgiving than he should've been because scenarios were simply beyond his ability to distinguish the kindest path (like with the Crown and Raphael). But even so, Étoile is reassured when Halsin offers comfort or advice, trusting that he would still be straightforward if their grief or embarrassment or frustration was otherwise unworthy of them.

[maximumkingdomstarlight]

Arrogant hearts (Gojo Satoru x F!reader)

Chapter 2

walking on the usual road, which led to the Jujutsu high... with Gojo Satoru who was your senior was more silent than you thought it would be, unless for the occasional questions from him...

"so, How was the USA?" he asked.

"it was alright" you replied, looking around, trying to recollect the memories back from your old school

"That's a vague answer, but it's okay... what did you do there?" he questioned, almost as if he wanted to keep the conversation going. "surely, there were no sorcery schools there" he added with a smirk.

"I... studied in a university" You were totally not interested in giving him every information about your life in the USA.

"What did you study?" he asked, making you wonder when you'll get close to your destination to get away from all his questioning.

"Art" giving one-word answers was your specialty, which was the sole reason you were always alone. with no friends or any lover.

he nodded in response, which made you relieved for a second thinking his annoying questions were over, but the other second he asked you again "Why are you so silent? Don't you like me?" he asked with a blank expression.

what kind of a question was that? Of course, you didn't like anyone, who invaded your personal space. which you loved so much, you were only comfortable talking with your mother and your sibling, and your best friend who was still in the USA.

you smiled, the sweet fake smile you put on every time you see and talk with people "I am not very sociable, you probably do know that, and I can't keep up with conversations" the same excuse, the same lame excuse you give to everyone who asks you unnecessary questions about your unsociable ass. 

He could sense, that your smile was fake... why though? was it the same for everyone? or was it specifically to him, because he was annoying? he knew that he was annoying, and enjoyed it when people got uncomfortable because of him.

he frowned and got closer to your face, too close "I'll have to fix that then since you are a precious junior"

"was" you corrected, taking a step back again "and I don't think it would be easy, my best friend tried it and became quite like me"

he laughed loudly "Your best friend did? Is your best friend in the USA?" he asked with a smile.

"yeah," you replied.

"Don't worry, I won't change... I'll change you... at least, I'll change the way you are for me" he smirked. "I'll make sure you get comfortable around me, you need a best friend in Japan too y'know?"

"I have one though" you replied, making his smirk a frown. 

"Who is that lucky person?" he asked.

"Nanami" you replied, he was the only person in your age group, and you two were friends since you were high school students. 

"Oh, he doesn't match you" he replied casually "You know? opposites are the best together"

you couldn't deny it, it was the same with your best friend in the USA, so you just stayed silent.

Gojo started walking again, you tagging along next to him, the leaves crunching every time you two took a step, he was silent again... he was wondering why you weren't asking him about the things that happened in the school when you were gone, what happened to Geto Suguru, maybe Nanami had told you everything, maybe you weren't asking because you thought it might make him uncomfortable.

Which was true, you didn't want to make him uncomfortable, and most of all, you felt guilty for not being there for your school when it needed you...

"here we are," he said while gesturing for you to go into the Tatami room.

"thank you" you replied again with that small smile... 

'why isn't your smile coming from your heart?' he thought to himself, not like he smiled from his heart all the time, but he did sometimes smiled, laughed... not like you. which made him irritated. at least you should not smile or you should smile genuinely' That's what he thought because it won't bother him so much if it was your way, not smiling. but you smiled, but it didn't touch your own heart.

you waited until he decides to leave, which he didn't "Why aren't you going in?" he asked "Do you want me to open the Shōji for you?" he smirked.

"I was waiting until you leave" you replied.

"oh no, I am coming with you, I told you that I was on my way to meet Yaga too, right?" his smirk never left his face. which was more annoying than you could ever imagine.

you slide the door open to see Yaga Masamichi, who was once your teacher but is now a principal making cute dolls. he looked at the two visitors "Oh, Y/N, Nanami informed me about your arrival" he said while indicating you to come in. "and you are late again Satoru" he added to the tall man beside you, who was crossing his arms. 

"what's the big deal? you were making your dolls anyways" Gojo said with a frown "and I had to bring your former student to you" he said while pointing at you.

Yaga sighed in irritation and looked back at you. "Y/N, what are you going to do? are you going to continue where you left off or are you going to live as a non-sorcerer like you did in the USA?"

this was the question you were stuck on, you gave it a lot of thought even when you were in the USA.

"huh? isn't that obvious? you should continue where you left off" Gojo interrupted your train of thoughts by jumping in. "there aren't many sorcerers, so we could need your help you know? and your cursed technique, don't waste it... use it for some work"

"Satoru, let her think," Yaga said. "do you need time to think?"

"no, I think what Gojo said is true, it's better for me to continue, or else... why would I even come to Japan, to live as a non-sorcerer?" you agreed to Gojo, well his words did have a little impact on that decision.

"That's what I am saying" Gojo smirked.

"Well, then you can assist Gojo with his teaching" Yaga announced making both of you surprised 

"I don't need any assistance" Gojo argued, his frown was clearly visible.

"I can work on missions" you added. 

"you are just going to work on missions? I want you to work with Satoru, so you can recollect the basics again, I don't think you practiced when you were in the USA"

which was true, you never had a reason to practice when you were living as a non-sorcerer. you glanced at Gojo, who was looking at you for your answer.

  "if Gojo is okay with it, I guess I can assist him"

"you are going to call me teacher?" he asked with a smirk

"No" you replied, trying not to glare at him. he laughed at you trying to be respectful.

after talking with Yaga for a little while, you two walked out of Yaga's Tatami room to the cold afternoon

"Well then, my lovely assistant, I'll introduce you to my precious students," Gojo said in a cheerful tone. he seemed too cheerful about this little arrangement.

he took you to the male dormitories and knocked on a room "Megumi~ I bought a friend~" he said in a sing-song tone. a groan was heard from the room before a boy with bluish-black hair opened the door. 

he glared at his teacher and looked at you "Who's this?" he asked. 

"your new assistant teacher" Gojo smiled.

you bowed a little "I am L/N Y/N, nice to meet you"

"Fushiguro Megumi" he replied and shot a suspicious look at Gojo "Are you sure you got permission before getting an assistant? especially a female assistant?"

"What are you saying Megumi?" he said in a fake innocent tone "Yaga was the one who assigned her" Gojo smiled proudly. which made Megumi raise an eyebrow in disbelief.

 hearing all the commotion, the boy who was next door came out with a manga in his hand. "oh, hi! who's this?" he asked with a smile

"Nice to meet you, I am L/N Y/N" you slightly bowed.

"hi! I am Itadori Yuji" He smiled cheerfully.

"This is your new assistant teacher," Gojo said making the boy's eyes widen.

"Really? I hope we have a good time then"

Itadori Yuji and Fushiguro Megumi seemed to have very different personalities. 

"Let's go to meet the last student," Gojo said while stuffing his hands in his pockets "You two coming?" 

"sure" they nodded. and the three of you were walking toward the female dorms 

"I've never seen you here before, are you a new sorcerer?" Megumi asked.

"I had to leave the school and lived in the USA for a long time" you replied 

he nodded, yuji got very interested in the USA, so asked questions from time to time, and Gojo silently listened. 

"We are here," Gojo said while knocking on a door.

"What?" a girl, with short brown hair, appeared with an annoyed look. "a new student?" she asked looking at you. 

"Nice to meet you, I am L/N Y/N, I am your new assistant teacher," you said with a slight bow.

"Kugisaki Nobara, an assistant teacher, huh?"

"you did that three times now, don't you get bored?" Gojo asked you with a smile

"Is there any other way I can do introduce myself?" you asked.

"Learn from your senpai"  Gojo smirked. making the two males and the female's jaws drop 

"you are his junior?" they asked in unison.

"yes, I was Gojo's junior," you said, confused why they looked surprised.

Gojo seemed happy with the atmosphere "Shall we go get some dinner? to celebrate your new assistant teacher" he smiled. Nobara and Yuji seemed very happy that they were already walking towards the exit of the dorms.

A restaurant in the middle of Tokyo, it was lit up very beautifully... you sat down next to Gojo and the three students were sitting across from you two. 

"This place hasn't changed," you said while remembering the countless times you came here to eat with your classmates.

"True" Gojo replied looking at you with a smile. Nobara nudged the two boys to look at the couple sitting across them, it seemed they were comfortable and content even though you two weren't a couple...

after a lot of disagreements, the three teenagers decided what to eat. after a while all of you were eating Nigirizushi, Gojo was the one who recommended it by saying he'll pay.

after eating you all decided to head back to the college. "what about your sleeping arrangements?" Gojo asked after the three teenagers went to their rooms.

"I'll stay in a dorm room until I find a place to stay," you said remembering Yaga saying you could use a room. but you really wanted to stay in your own place, you've gotten used to that when you were living in the USA. 

"that place is still vacant," Gojo said "The house next to mine in my apartment," he said with a smile

"Why are you so fixated on the idea of me living next to you?" you voiced your question.

"just... want to catch up," he said with a shrug, hands in his pockets as he walked to the middle of the small bridge, the water was flowing underneath you two...

you leaned on the wooden railing of the bridge, you two were still on the college property. you sighed softly. "not like we have good things to catch up," you said, the senior and you never talked much during the short time you attended the college, and everything that had happened after you left the college, Yu Haibara, your classmate dying, Geto Suguru being a curse user, killed by his own best friend's hands. they were not happy memories... but you wanted to ask something from him...

"did it hurt?" you asked while looking at the dark blue water shining from the moonlight.

"no comment," he said leaning against the railing just like you.

"what did I expect?" you muttered

"What did you expect?" he asked with a smile

"I don't know, maybe..." you shrugged "I miss him, it hurts or something" You felt bad after saying that... 

"Do you miss him?" he asked. "he did act as a true senior, not like me" he shrugged, you couldn't feel, see or hear his emotions.

"I respected him" you replied with another sigh. you really wanted to change the subject "You are single?" you asked as the only thing that came to your mind.

he chuckled looking at you "You want to change it?" he asked with a smirk.

you smiled softly "Even if i change it, it changes quickly, doesn't it?"

"At least you smiled genuinely this time" he said with a smile, he took off his blindfold "Why do you hide it?" he asked, getting close to your face, your heartbeat was quickening. something that never happened before when he got close to you, your gulped, eyes frantically searching for an escape. he held your chin softly forcing you to look at his deep blue eyes.

"You should smile more genuinely, at least in front of me"