#because just going back to the old stuff isnt working anymore

[fishy-lava]

do yall think it Does Something™ to kaz knowing that inej has worn his gloves? does he know that she wore them or does he just know that she gave them back to him after scaling the incinerator? i mean she gave them to him but did she tell him she wore them? did kaz figure it out anyway? how does he feel knowing that she wore his armor and it protected her just as it protects him? how does inej feel about it? how does she feel knowing his armor will protect her as well?

[contraryclock]

stupid ass Don Quixote ramblings

hi this is my first tumblr post but i really wanted a good place to put this

spoilers for all of current limbus company, including Murder on the warp Express, the Don Quixote book (( kinda )), and a musical (( i'll get there ))

please humor this deranged rant about a character i havent read the source book of

so basically ive had a theory since Don was even teased that she's less so based on book Don Quixote and moreso based on the Man of La Mancha musical which is. an insane thing to suggest but hear me out here (( ive since changed how i word my stance to the much more mild "it will most likely delve into the themes of both works and reference both" because suggesting they would discount the book entirely is TRUE insanity ))

her quote (( from teaser tweets that i cannot find anymore? they seem like they were deleted which sucks )) was "To reach the unreachable star!" or something which is notably not a quote from the original book ((as far as im aware at least?)), and suggests. a lot i think!

One of the most notable differences between Man of La Mancha and the original Don Quixote is their tone and attitude towards Quixote. In the original text, he's shown to be a fool who is ignorant to the vastly more interesting world around him, and prefers to instead sink deeper into his delusions of reality equating to chivalric literature. This makes sense as Don Quixote was written as a parody and mockery of the genre

La Mancha is, notably, much more forgiving on Quixote's character, showing that while still a fool, and his insanity often detrimental to those around him, he is still a good person at heart and that he truly wishes to pursue this justice he posits

I usually say it as "Don Quixote is about how reality is beautiful, and La Mancha is about how sometimes one should strive to make reality a little more fantastical" although i dont know if that. is the most accurate comparison. both Don Quixote and La Mancha have a lot of themes and stuff going on

one of the things that made me scream was learning about "Miguel" being written on don's LCB combat spritesheet instead of her listed name

which if you've seen or read a summary of la mancha is a huge alarm bell

In La Mancha, the whole thing is shown as a Play within a Play

Miguel de Cerventes is sent to prison, awaiting trial by the inquisition, and is tasked with defending himself in a mock trial with the other prisoners so they dont take his belongings. His defense is Don Quixote, Man of La Mancha! With the prisoners acting out the various roles he assigns them, and him acting as the leading man, Don Quixote himself!

that was most of the things that made me think "Oh, maybe it'll be La Mancha!" and then this happened

and i sort of lost my god damned mind

because like what if this is miguel... what if shes simultaneously playing out her life as don quixote as a her delusion, and as her dream, but also as a statement...

idk but this isnt JUST about Man of La Mancha bc i think this has a few implications for how don's canto is going to go

In both don quixote and la mancha, they send someone to cure quixote of his delusions

The final thing they try is setting up an act where a "Knight of Mirrors" duels with Quixote, which ends up working.

The Knight forces Quixote to see how he is perceived by others, to see the truth that he is no knight.

ignoring the stuff with vampires and mirrors for a second, i feel like this could be more mirror world shenanigans, where either the knight IS a mirror world don quixote, or is someone who will show her mirror worlds. Whatever that will imply!!! i dont know its exciting!!!!!

Her being absurdly old and powerful, plus bloodfiends having a whole familial adjacent hierarchy makes me think theres a LOT of bloodfiends out there that would want her back

I dunno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im insane!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! i just wanted to get my thoughts out before her canto actually happened so i can say that i did indeed have an opinion on this

-limbus assets taken form Lunartique's asset google drive go look at it -text written by me and not proofread

ok thanks bye dont follow me byeee byeeeeee

[the-s1lly-corner]

I’ve read through some of your old posts and I gotta say…I love me some angst. May I kindly, pretty please with a plastic cherry on top, ask for TADC gang with an S/O who abstracted a while back, but then they ‘respawn’ one day with a glitch affect about them, and their memory was totally wiped? Like it was their first day in the digital world? The glitch affect doesn’t hurt them or anyone like what happened to Ragetha and Pomni btw.

TADC cast x mended!reader

so funny story i was about to sit down and work on this about 4 hours ago but then my parents said they were going to watch the fnaf movie in the garage and i literally dropped everything and watched it so uh uh. the reason the grind stopped was because of fnaf movie and now im kinda tempted to pick up my fnaf fic again anyways! i did a similar post, here! jax and caines parts here will be short, really only focusing on the glitch aspect for them in this post, since the other half has already been written!

CAINE:

just got flashed with an image but you know that scene where the iron giant is trying to pick the boy up but hes like limp or something and the giant pulls back (ive never watched iron giant i just know this clip from a meme) i think it would be like that if he tried to poof your glitching away; but like. in an emotional way, if that makes sense. like its the same kind of carefulness and worry, i think... bonus if he does more damage than not

JAX:

honestly a little too scared to even touch you out of the deep seeded fear of getting all glitchy as well. like he knows it wont spread to him, but you know...

POMNI:

similar to jax i think she would instinctively avoid touching you even though she knows its fine... the whole hand thing making her overly cautious for future scenarios, you know? i think she would slip up and accidentally bring up something you and her did before you abstracted, or call you an endearing name before abruptly stopping herself and trailing off, sad stuff. grief makes her tear between wanting to find an exit faster and trying to make you remember/stay for you

RAGATHA:

poor girl :( i think she would genuinely try to make an effort to re/befriend you and try not to have her hopes too high for the two of you to get back together. if you hear about your past relationship and want to learn more about it, shell tell you what you want to know, but i doubt she would instantly start dating you again if you suggest the two of you trying to give the relationship a second shot... i think that would need some time

KINGER:

bro is gonna be going through it, first he loses his possible wife to abstraction and now he lost you.. got you back, but you dont remember anything. on top of that you look.. off.. sure it doesnt hurt you but it still looks like it would be uncomfortable, even if it isnt

stuck between longing to rekindle your old relationship and letting you go in order to allow himself to process this grief; the third option is potential abstraction for himself

ZOOBLE:

tries not to care. they want to forget everything like you did, they were finally starting to be normal after your abstraction. but now your back in a clean slate, mind wiped and memories gone. how does someone cope with that? as much as it hurts them they think it would be best for them to pretend you were a stranger again

GANGLE:

saying it again, poor girl. mix of pomni and ragatha here i think, like she keeps messing up and verbally reminiscing before realizing you cant relate to what shes saying anymore. will tell you anything you want to know about the past, but i think it would take a lot longer for her to consider getting with you again than ragatha. for both its kind of a "i dont want them to feel obligated to try because we were together once" type deal

[pommunist]

i honestly think that the qsmp is experiencing a quiet and slow death. like qsmp related stuff barely comes across my dash anymore (and i follow hundreds of mcyt blogs, back when things actually happened my entire dash would just be qsmp fanwork and liveblogging).

like sure the server is still open (not that i think it should be) but i barely see anyone talking about it anymore. the most i see is announcements for some new event thats supposed to revive the server and then i maybe see 3 or 4 posts about it the day of?

theres also way less new fanart being posted, the majority of the fanart i see is either a) shipping art that isnt set in any specific time (or is set during the peak ship era), b) art about one of the old events/plotlines, or c) pure egg art also with no specific time setting. there is relatively no fanart that is solely about the new events.

they keep trying to wave events in front of the jaded fans like "hey!!! new event! you want more events yeah? you guys used to love events :(" as if we dont see it as the distraction from their workplace abuse that it is

tbh i hate to see it happen but it’s what you get when you mix mistreatment of your workers with terrible pr management like….

first you have everyone who stopped supporting it when they learnt of the admin’s working conditions. already by this point, and because it’s been two months and no signs of betterment a big chunk of the fandom has dropped qsmp.

then you also lose people who were really attached to the eggs, especially if their favorite hasn’t came back or won’t come back at all.

and then you also lose people who were in for story and lore because they just learned that everything they had theorised about for months was for nothing because while the writers were trying their best the higher ups had no idea where the plot was going + ccs couldn’t be involved in the big storyline

and even if all of that wasn’t enough to make you leave, you might just drop it because your cc doesn’t log on anymore, or because the fandom is dying/dead (especially if you speak a language that massively left the project)

😀👍 just saw the tweet announcing the tzc murder mystery event and im so bitter i’ve waited like 9 months for it to happen but to see it happen in these conditions…. maybe the real murders that took place was the self sabotaging of qsmp and all these massacred workers rights

tldr qstudios completely fumbled the bag and that’s on them 100% L+ratio or whatever but it still sucks to see the state of qsmp rn

[minthara]

really long personal answer to an anon i got. trigger warnings in the tags.

First of all i wanna apologise to everyone who follows me for the last few days lmao, but i feel like if i dont post about it im literally gonna kill myself. I need somewhere to write down my thoughts because i feel bad always going to the same 2 friends i still have and complain about the same situation again and again about a dude they dont even know that well.

Thank you so much for ur message really, and sorry if im gonna take it as another excuse to write down all my thoughts, but i think it will really help me.

So the pathetic thing. I didnt ever post about this and in real life i think only like. 3 people knew. But after we broke up i begged him for months to take me back. It really was pathetic. And when he called me pathetic i think he was just very very hurt, because that was the second time i broke up with him (just a few weeks ago). It was in the sense of me begging him for so long just to break up again a few months later. I feel fucking stupid even writing this. I spent about 10k euros trying to get away from him, it fucked up my life so massively that i lost a job i really loved over it.

And now my new job is about 5 minutes away from our old apartment and i think thats a huge reason why i cant get over it. Every day i walk past restaurants, the supermarkets, anything we went to together. I had to buy snacks for work today and just burst into tears in the fucking supermarket because we used to go there together. The people at work are always so appreciative bc i know the area so well but they dont know how much it fucking hurts me and its so stupid like. Should i just avoid that part of town forever??? No fucking get over it bitch like wtf its a fucking supermarket.

And it also hurts because i know i wasnt always perfect and there were many times i was super mean to him. But at a point i couldnt deal with his ADHD anymore and that sounds so shitty but im a super organised person to the point where sometimes i wonder if thers anything ocd related but i dont think so. In my head i swap between i have ocd, i have adhd, i have borderline, i have autism  - i have no idea whats wrong with me, but the way i feel cant be normal. I know this because the way i behave isnt normal, i know i can come across as really strange, i cant judge social situations well and often dont know how to behave. But i constantly criticised him for symptoms of his mental illnesss.

But i never physically hurt him, and that was the last straw for me, why i left. I dont know how u can do that to a person you love.

And im just mourning the life i thought i was going to have so, so, so much. I know on tumblr ppl somehow think youre brainwashed when you want a traditional marriage and kids and stuff, but i really thought that was going to happen in the next 2 / 3 years, thats how i planned my life since i was fucking 21 and i met him. And now im almost 27, and i cant even go on dates because i cannot bear talking to new people because all i want is a clone of him but better.

I know i will look back at this and think “u cried about THAT guy???” in a few years, because thats how its always been in my life lol (except for one relationship, but were still really really best friends). I always think afterwards i will never love someone that much again. But it hits so much harder because it was such a serious relationship lol i really wanted to marry him. Sobs lol.

[tara-the-star]

woahhhh tara-the-star making an oc??

anyways there's some possibly triggering stuff under the cut so proceed with caution

zahra ismail

-she/her

- aspec + bi

-24 yrs old

- intj (read: obsessive)

- defensive dealer

- roommates with @jeanmoreauss' emiko while she was at eau!!

- made it to the us court two years after she graduated (mostly because her pro team held her back to get therapy before joining the national team)

- she was unable to let go of the raven schedule for quite a while after leaving the Nest. her pro teammates always found her on court (i would add 'at ungodly hours' but that implies there were hours when she wasnt on court) needless to say her pro coach confiscated her keys

- she developed an eating disorder, mostly bc she didnt have anyone to guide her diet anymore so she just chose not eat if it meant eating anything "not nutritious" (which included just about everything she didnt make and she couldnt really make much since yk she never learnt how to cook)

- there were no other raven alumni on her team so no one could really grasp what all went down in the Nest (they DID try to talk to her but their efforts were met with scornful remarks about how their performance wouldn't cut it in eau + they dont understand what it means to be a part of the "best" team), which meant that zahra didnt have anyone to confide in. so she had a LOT of time alone w/ her thoughts which was obviously uncomfortable for her, which is why she distracted herself with exy ((theres a lot more to her mental state but that is probably for another post))

- she eventually gets into art  (ink and pencil only cause she's allergic to colour) and it works pretty well to help her get stuff out of her system + she gets back in touch with her parents (whom she hasnt talked to since she became a raven bc yk) she isnt perfect but she's getting better :)

[nie7027]

So because I'm in the mood for spooky stuff I'm once again here posting an idea for a supernatural fic but this time I'm making it Hetalia (YAY LETS GO BACK TO THE ROOTS)

I came up with this like months ago (in June) when I was barely getting back into hetalia(because of PRIDE) but left it there until I realized Hey this is perfect for the season and also who I am kidding this research paper isnt getting written anytim- ANYWAY HERES MY FIC IDEA JUST AS I TOLD IT TO MY BESTFRIEND!

For reasons Italy and Germany (it's important that Japan isn't with them) are playing with sobrenatural stuff and Veneziano ends up accidentally breaking something that triggers some kind of guilt curse and becomes haunted by the ghost of HRE seeing him sneaking around and of course freaking the hell out.

It's most probably Japan's old stuff they are fucking around so it makes sense its magic/spiritual and that they want to keep it a secret. (Also guilt onis are very in tone with japanese mythology).

Italy being Italy doesn't talk with anybody about it (HE WONT DARE TOUCH THAT THEME) and just gets scared outta nowhere and whimpers and cries and is miserable to the point he isolates himself in his house.

Nobody knows what's up with him.

Nobody except Germany.

Germany of course gets worried and suspects it has something to do with they thing they did as it was then when everything started but he's not surewjy or how so he tries to reach out and eventually goes to Italy's house to drag him out himself...except...

Except when he gets there he sees a child.

And not just any child. Lol nop

He sees a child version of himself.

Germany is rightly confused.

What is a child version of himself doing there???

He tries to chase the boy but he is unable to catch him and also Italy still doesn't answer to him so he decides to keep coming both to try to talk with Italy and to figure out what's up with the kid.

And finally on one of those days he goes he hears an interesting conversation...

Roderich (Austria) and Erzebeta(Hungary) being the closest thing Italy has to guardians strong arm their way into his room (obviously Hungary is the one who does most of the work) and force him to talk to them so Italy reveals he has been seeing HREs ghost

Hungary and Austria are like 'BUT THATS IMPOSSIBLE ITALY! YOU KNOW HES..." and yeah he knows he's dead. He knows France himself killed him (Austria and Hungary looking super uncomfortable during the whole conversation) but he's there, following him and everytime Italy sees him his heart constricts and he can't bear to look at him.

Austria and Hungary get outta there believing Italy's is having some kind of late response to repressed trauma. That he's having hallucinations.

And it makes sense!

Of course they know the boy has been developing feelings for the German and they also know how much he loved HRE... It can't be easy to fall in love again after going throught something like that

And OH GOD THIS WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME THEY HAD EVER ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT HRE WITH ITALY AFTER HIS DEATH* AND FUCK THEY DONT EVEN KNOW HOW HE KNOWS HE DIED....

Of course Italy would try to find out, of course he would do his research... canonically-sh it was France who told him but italy also has his own historians and he looked into it until he couldn't anymore and FUCK THEY CANT BELIEVE THEY REALLY FELL FOR ITALYS CHEERY FACADE AND HAPPILY LET HIM DEAL WITH THAT ON HIS OWN.

THEY WERE YOUNG YES BUT THATS NOT AN EXCUSE

No wonder Italy is having issues...

Especially when taken into account that Germany...

..they never were sure... and-

NO ERZEBETH

THE PAST IS IN THE PAST.

THERES NO POINT IN DIGGING UP OLD CORPES.

HRE IS DEAD. HE WASNT THERE TO HELP HIM AND THATS ALL THERES TO IT -Roderich argues, practically screams, the guilt still gnawing him in his insides

All they can do is help Italy go through his issues now.

Germany of course only hears the last part of Italy's conversation with Hungary and Austria before he has to hide so he only learns that yes its the kid, his child self, the one that's causing Italy to suffer so much and

FUCK

Fuck

He knows

(Kinda? )

He knows he had a troubled childhood but he really wasn't expecting just the sight of him could cause Italy so much grief...

In fact... why is his child self even haunting Italy in the first place? Shouldnt he be haunting himself?

Germany tries to confront the child, he chases and chases the child and it's not until he corners him and orders the child to get away from Italy that he gets a reaction

"ITALY IS HIS!" The child screams with all his might

"He won't ever leave Italy!" and "Who does he believes he is to try to separate him from Italy?!" are some of the things the child keeps screaming

And boy Germany might not remember much of his childhood but he's pretty sure Prussia had never told him he was such a brat

But at least this brings a little more of light on the issue.

Germany isn't dumb, he knows himself.

He's aware of his... complicated feelings towards the italian. The memories of a failed valentine date coming to haunt him...

BUT

He also knows he can be a little too selfish and ambitious.

A war mongering state fully capable of starting wars just to get what he believes is his.

A fact he isn't proud of himself

Fully capable of hurting others.

A fact that causes him a lot of guilt to this day.

So, he concludes, his child self somehow became aware of his own feelings for the Italian, latched onto them and is doing what he knows best.

Chasing after the Italian. Unwavering, unstoppable. Hurting him in the meantime

But what's he's supposed to do now?

The child won't leave Italy's side.

He doesn't know how to get rid of him.

He could try distancing himself from Italy.. see if the child somehow also senses this and gets away from the italian... but he isn't sure.

But he can't think on any other option

Now Germany believes he's the one being haunted and that Italy's suffering because of him.

In the meantime Japan as all the other countries is confused as to what the heck is happening.

Suddenly his friends started acting strange with Italy locking himself in his house and Germany looking more and more stressed every day

Of course he found the broken vase in his house, the one talking about a guilt oni.

But canonically Japan doesn't remember magic was an actual everyday thing in the ancient times.

To him is just another of his many relics.

The only thing that made special this case was how well preserved it was despite it being really old, back from his young days he barely remembers

From when he was still under china's care.

But Japan doesn't have any other clue.

All he knows is his friends started acting strange after they visited his house and that the vase is somehow related so he has no choice but suck it up and go ask China.

China whos ancient and remembers everything, even the times when magic was real, immeditaely recognizes the vase and goes OH NO.

"So... Who did you say was closest to the vase when it broke?" China nervously asks.

"I don't know. I wasn't there when it broke" Japan calmly responds, unsure why that would be important. "It could be either Germany or Italy. They both were there."

China who knows he's is in front the remnants of the broken guilt oni container yelps: "Germany?! FUUUUUUUCK"

China also isn't very willing to talk about what's happening with Japan.

Talking about the jar would mean talking about magic with Japan, and THAT would mean talking about old times they both would rather ignore ever happened.

China knows this is also part of the guilt oni doing but fuuuuck he really doesn't want to talk about this.

And because the guilt oni/curse spreads like an illness, infecting everybody that's gets close with guilt and feeding from it, growing and growing until there's no more...

There's another player in this.

Prussia

Prussia who doesn't regret what he did.

Prussia, who, if he were put under the same circumstances would do it again and again. 1000 times over if it was necessary.

Prussia whose only regret is knowing it would break his little brothers heart (and maybe even more) to learn the truth

Prussia who one day comes home to find his little brother clearly trying to hide how much he's freaking out and after hours and hours of pushing and poking finally manages to get him to spill the truth

And when Prussia hears from his brothers lips that Italy is being haunted by his child self he's running out the house as if being chased by the demon himself screaming about ghosts and how super scary that is.

And don't be mistaken.

Prussia isn't a bad brother.

He's an awesome brother who will support his brother in his time of need but first....

This is too risky.

WAY TOO RISKY

As much as he loathes the idea of poor little ita chan suffering he loathes more the idea of what could happen to his brother...

No way I'm hell he was going to take that chance.

He would rather never see Italy again than to lose his brother.

If he couldn't do anything back then when he was powerful much less now than he is barely more than a mere mortal/a shadow of his former self.

And here Gilbert/Prussia is exaggerating.

As much as it would break Germany to know he wouldn't disappear, he's too solid of a state for that...

But Prussia was there.

Prussia saw the last days of HRE. He watched him agonize and no way in hell he's going throught that again.

No way in hell he's abandoning his brother. (No way in hell My boy doesn't have trauma over this)

No, Prussia will deal with this on his own.

He will fix it, just like he has done before.

He will fix it before anything happens and he will be there for his brother once all this is over.

But first he needs information

So, knowing Erzebeta and Roderich had been able to speak to ita chan, he goes and sneaks in Austria's house and has his worst fears confirmed when he hears ita chan has been hallucinating with HREs ghost.

Except now he's the only one who knows that that isn't an hallucination and that both Italy and Germany can see him.

And if Hungary catches him sneaking around and demands to know what he's doing there he will only say that that he was there to execute a surprise attack on the uptight austrian.

And Hungary tries to bring up the card of long formed warrior bonds to get him to talk about that , that that shall not be talked about and he would divert the theme and laugh to her face

Because this is something he is planning to take to his grave.

And that's what I got so far.

*it's my head canon that HREs death became something of a taboo topic in the house. Everybody knew but nobody dared to speak about it. Hungary and Austria never found the way to sit down with Italy and talk with him and Italy while he was still in Roderich's house never asked them not wanting to hear it coming from their mouths, preferring to be in negation and pretend he's still waiting for him to come back even though he knew it wasnt going to happen

Eventually the truth will have to come if they want to get rid of HREs ghost but aint no way in hell Prussia will reveal it so Italy and Germany (and others) have no choice but to face the demons of their past and discover it themselves

The whole every country has a deep seated guilt and the guilt curse will spread like an infectious illness was a nice surprise for myself.

They way it touches on everyone ...

Italy and Germany dealing with the ghost (the lover Italy lost, the reminder that Germany really know who he is and what he is capable), Austria and Hungary's not being able to save HRE nor help Italy. Japan and China having to deal with their broken relationship...

PRUSSIAS EVERYTHING.

God just thinking about Prussia also facing HREs ghost, the failure to save him, to what could happen to Germany if the truth comes out... the ANGST IS SO GOOD in this one.

Even France and Romano (and therefore Spain) could enter into the game with Romano feeling guilty with not knowing how to help Italy despite being his brother and heck even the potato dumbas seemed to know more about what was going on with his brother, as always romano being the last to know his own brother... and Spain is just there watching romano suffer knowing he's partly responsable for the distance between the Italy brothers and once Hungary and Austria learn it was France who told Italy about HREs fate they will eat him alive.

Except France won't stand for that.

1 it was centuries ago when France told Italy that! It's not his fault what's happening to Italy now and 2 Italy deserved to know! He loved him! They loved each other! He wasn't going to stand there and keep quiet for centuries just like Austria and Hungary did.

He wouldn't stand for such disservice to love .

And Frances is obviously being dragged down by the guilt of causing HREs death. France might be Prussia's best friend but i highly doubt Prussia would let him know what really happened with HRE considering the circumstances... Then again even if it hadn't been Frances fault it really is the thing Prussia is the most secretive about.

He himself could have told France that HRE died. Specially because if HRE was super weak and had too many enemies that wanted him dead it would be convenient for him to spread the rumor of his death and who better than France, who both had struck the fatal blow and was connected to every part of the world and had such a stronghold on knowledge after his revolution, to do it.

Once the truth comes out i really need a scene of Germany approaching Prussia and asking him to tell him how was he before... when he was... How was he back then?

And Prussia who has never talked about this with anyone.

Prussia who for centuries kept all that happened to himself.

A burden to never share.

Who even now that the truth is out still doesn't want to talk about it relents.

Because it's his brother who asked. And he will always do whatever Germany asks him

"Truth be told he isn't that different now from how he used to be" he says his heart breaking a little when he sees the brief glimpse of desolation crossing Germany's features.

"He isn't that different but he enough for it to matter. To be another person" Prussia ammends quickly. No way he isnt aware of Germanys identity crisis.

"He has always been serious. Too dutiful for his own good. But... he wasnt as guarded as he is now. It was easier to know what he was feeling.... Even the foot soldiers knew about his crush on little Italy" Prussia says snarking while recalling the last part

And yeah that.

Germany is really surprised to know it turns out he has loved italy his whole life... Then again if he thinks about it it isn't really that surprising. It makes sense

It makes sense even if he's now avoiding the Italian as much as he can since the truth got spilled.

Germany can't help it. He doesn't think he would be able to tolerate it if he sees disappointment in the italian eyes, yearning for a person who doesn't exist anymore.

"Try as he might he wore his heart on his sleeve... And that was part of the reason for his downfall." Prussia keeps saying, wondering not for the first time if Germany had unconciously developed the way he had as a defense mechanism. "More feisty, easily flustered."

"Unlike Germany who was a well behaved boy, HRE wouldn't listen to Prussia... Not in the sense that he would ignore him/dismiss whatever he said but rather than unlike Germany who did whatever Prussia asked him to do without question HRE would have to ponder it. HRE would have to consider all the options and act according to what he deemed best....He had to. He was the head of the empire. He was in charge of all of them... Highly capable and yet so weak. A fragile constitution" Prussia says with finality.

They were nearing on hard topics he really REALLY didn't want to talk about. The brief talk already taken it's toll on him and as much as he owe it to Germany he had already pushed himself too far in one day.

Germany understood it. They had time.

Despite Prussia's worst fears that have been proven wrong... they had time after all.

A huge relief washin over prussias entire being, the relief of putting down a burden he had carried for so long.

They could keep talking about it later

And here the mic drops.

So... how do you like it?

It's good to be back 😎

[ace930615]

IMPORTANT PLEASE READDDD

Hey guys, unfortunately I'm going to have to take a hiatus for awhile :-( a lot is going on in my personal life with school and work, and as of recently a few weeks back around Christmas my grandmother caught covid and it really knocked her down and made her extremely weak. She can't really walk anymore, needs oxygen, has bowel incontinence, and dementia. She was in the hospital until about a week ago and was going to be living with my family for the time being until we figured out exactly what my nana needs. I honestly dont know why they discharged her because ... man she was still really bad and they knew that she wouldn't have a nurse to come to our house yet! She was residing in my sisters room while my sister moved into our father's office. My sister and i were taking care of her full time for a week, which was extremely stressful. My sister and i had to make sure she was eating/drinking, cleaning up after her (changing her diaper) constantly changing her sheets and making sure she wasn't taking her catheter or diaper off because she kept doing it lmfao. My sister and i told our dad she absolutely needs more assistance than what my sister and i were providing her, we couldn't even get her properly clean like in the bath since she still had a catheter and could barely move we would have to wipe her down! She started to get sick again and we brought her back to the hospital (which she ended up falling and hitting her head). They tried to discharge her back to our house again but eventually my dad got them to discharge her to a nursing home. She's about an hour away, and might need to go to more of a facility/rehab rather than an elderly home because of how sick she is. It's not something we can exactly afford, its going to take whatever little money she gets by the government (since shes not working obviously) and whatever medical/insurance can cover. There really isnt any other choice, we dont have anyone in the family who can dedicated 100% of their time taking care of her (which would have probably been my mom but shes dead), even then my nana would probably still need a nurse constantly if she were to live at our house. My dad and i have been dealing with her insurance since some of it is in my name, and we found out she stopped paying her bills months ago. This isnt surprising considering how downhill she has gone, even before she was sick but my dad wouldnt listen to my sister and i who were still taking care of her weekly because she just got so weak while she still lived in her apartment (due to old age and a number of medical issues). My nana is also incredibly stubborn and did not want to move out of her apartment for as long as she could. She still thinks she can go back but obviously not. So its been really messy! Really messy and stressful and sad LOL. On top I am also having computer issues which is preventing me from saving any art I draw, which honestly im probably just going to have to get a new computer at this point. If you have commissioned me please reach out, I will also be sending messages when i can to my commissioners and we can further discuss it. I am open to refunds at this time! Unless you are willing to wait until i come back, which could be a few months. I absolutely cannot focus on art professionally right now due to these circumstances. I haven't felt this since my mom got sick and passed away in 2016 so it's really... taking a toll on me and my family. Im sorry if this post is a mess there is so much more to this situation and its so complicated i tried to just go over the most important stuff. Thank you guys again. I will be back soon!

[freebooter4ever]

I don't know this Nick guy and its personal so not my place and I'm sorry in advance but never go back to him. Infact don't give him any more space in your life. We don't always get what we want but settling for anything less is way worse. We never stop regretting it

ah yes the nick problem 🙃 it's not even about him, it's me. i have always known exactly who he was, he's not the settling down or monogamous type no matter how much he likes to pretend he is. there isnt any 'going back to him' because we were never together in the traditional significant other sense anyway. i might have had some delusions about saying fuck you to california and moving in with him in CT and spending my time working at history museums and drawing sailing ships, but thats obviously not happening anymore lol. all six years here in cali i never felt as happy as that one day i spent in the small east coast sea port and i dont know if it was the place or him.

I was actually just texting ethan about this stuff cause he had to get some relationship complaints off his own chest. and i do think this is a huge question for lots of people - at what point is 'love' no longer enough to keep two people together? like is it 'settling' if i am in love, even if that love isnt returned equally? men do this all the time, so much so its a goldigging trope, and older women tend to give younger women the super fun advice of 'make sure the man loves more in a relationship' (heterosexual). but like, isnt that sexism too? why cant women be the ones who pine away and try to win over the man? why is it the men always doing the chasing? like in my favorite internet couple justin and ally, ally was the one who went after justin hard, lol! why cant women have more romances like that?

but also like yeah no, nick and i are done. i may be a lot to handle in a crisis, but so is he. and i steadfastly and adoringly answered his calls almost every night to come down and take care of him when he was in physical pain during his back injury even when i was still dealing with PTSD myself and not sleeping much and working full time. and...i think in a real relationship i would like that to be fairly reciproical. none of this disappearing for weeks with nothing but his little bird icon telling me he is still watching all my insta stories. heck even the random dudes on my insta who keep insulting geno are being more supportive than nick during this. the one guy even went and asked his mom for an old digestion cure from his home country, like. thats bare minimum and those guys dont even really know me 😂

[pumpkinsy0]

Buck x Tim headconnons

I feel like they would be a good duo

Buck can fight, but he's just retired to fight. Just tends the Bar he owes

They will both beat peoples asses, if they fight together

Tim makes fun of Buck for being old, but Buck doesn't get mad he lets it slide

If its Buck's b-day, Tim will steal him little gifts (Buck gets mad at Tim for stealing but is thankful for the gift)

If its Tim's b-day, Buck will let him have free beer (only on his birthday)

Tim dares Buck to fight him, but still losses to Buck anyways 😂

When Tim is having a bad day, he will go to Buck's bar and spend there all day till he's drunk (maybe will often tell Buck about his bad day, and Buck will try his best to comfort him) I thought that will be cute♥😭

Since Buck has a dog (I feel like it should be a girl and her name should be pig) But Buck's dog loves Tim and Tim loves her back, he loves playing with her and she loves playing with him

One time Buck was laughing at Tim, because he was getting attacked by Pig while playfighting, and she accidentally bit Tim so hard he ended up having a scar on his neck (ofc Buck took Pig off Tim, but Tim was hurt so badly he couldn't talk right for a few week😭)

Tim wasn't mad at Pig, but was mad at Buck for laughing at him💀 (its fine if u don't like the whole idea)

When Tim's car isn't working and he need to go some places, he would steal Buck's car and Buck finds out, gets really pissed at him for stealing his car

Speaking of Buck's car, Tim like riding with Buck when he's running errands (Tim's passenger princess😭 Buck is forces to buy him stuff) 💀

Sorry for writing so much. And sorry if you don't like some stuff I put down. But I would love to see what you come up with. (I love your headconnons there so awesome! I wanna know what you put for THESE TWO. And its them being friends not lovers I swear😭)

This is the same person that asked for the "Buck Merrill headconnons" just letting you know. :D And you know that Buck is my favorite character. :D I also loved what you wrote for him, and thanks for taking your time writing about him. Now I wanna know for this one. :D

OOoOo i actually dont see many ppl talk about buck n tim so id b happy to talk about it!!!

perhaps buck will b my third fav caribbean man of the outsiders one day

•i see them as business partners and friends!!! not exactly THEE closest of friends, but friends nonetheless!!!

•so like,,,both of em r black,,,,both got 4c hair,,,perhaps they share tips n tricks on how to maintain their hait🗽🗽

•i can totally see buck w cornrows, tim probably did it for him as a “thanks for letting me hide out here while the cops searched for me and patching me up”

•tim can braid hair thanks to practice on angela and curlys hair btw i feel like i should announce that

•tim absolutely does make fun of buck for being old even though it’s literally by a few years buck is so sick of it, ESPECIALLY when tims drunk, ur so real for this hc anon

•for tims bday he definitely abuses his free beer privileges n takes some home, if he can get it for free and not have to pay later he’s DEFINITELY gonna b on that

•buck doesnt rlly fight anymore but he for sure isnt rusty, hes the bartender AND the bouncer let that b known☝🏽☝🏽

•buck MIGHT join in on a rumble if tim RLLY needed the backup but thats a huge might

•AT FIRST pig was fucking terrified of tim, like she would run away from tim, but tim gave her some food ONCE and now she loves em

•sometimes when buck and tim get together for business reasons tims just petting pig cause fluffy dog goes brrrrr

•inspired by my dog but sometimes pig just takes tims hand and literally forces the guy wherever and tim wants to hate it but pig is a cutie so he lets it slide<33

•LIKE I SAID caribbean men, buck prolly taught tim some trinidadian creole english while tim taught buck some haitian creole #culturalkingswowiezowie

•if tims having a bad day or is just bored and doesnt rlly wanna go home he just goes to bucks bar to pick someone up or drink a bit hes not a busy man EVERY day surprisingly

•rlly when it comes to buck, if darry cant rlly relate to him he knows that buck will to some degree!!!

•ALSO ALSO hc that when tims locked up or gets arrested, he calls for buck to watch over angela and curly, cant have them without a guardian now

BUT YEA THIS IS WHAT I COULD COME UP W ON THE WHIM hope u liked it anon🫶🏽🫶🏽

and thx for liking the hcs :D!!

[the-heaminator]

Idk if you already been asked but girl give us your hcs on New Zealand. name, gender, relation with the other bitches

Ngl my New Zealand is mostly just stolen from @historia-vitae-magistras (I hope you dont mind me tagging you,) her stuff is GREAT.

But here it is in the shortform.

Name: Eleanor....ngl I dont actually have a last name for her??? I never realised that I put her as like 18-20 in the modern era

Height. Around 5'7-5'8, I want her to be tall, robust, and an inch taller than Arthur, better nutrition and all, shes...robust, no better way to put it, shes healthy, tall, and can and will yeet Jack, even as he is built like a brick shithouse. Only has to go on her tippytoes sometimes, mmmmm shes a very good hugger when she does hug, which is rare. Unless you're Jack, she hugs her idiot older brother a lot.

Relation with other bitches as you very concisely put it.

Jack is her sunshine demon of an older brother, she does have to reign him in sometimes, stop him from accidentally killing himself, he does the same for her on occasion, they ho drinking together. When pissed she gains a level of confidence that is frankly terrifying for someone as sharp as a whip as she is, they go surfing together. Zee loves birds, Jack is pretty much a reptile, man starts brumating when it gets too cold, she likes sitting in trees. Like a bird.

She bitches and whines a lot with him but like usually, not always, but usually in a good natured way and is not against physically knocking some common sense into him.

With Matthew it's like tender but also a little more distant than it used to be, he was basically the stand on parental figure for her while the kirllands were out doing fuck knows what, after she got her independence it is still very close and caring but not as much as it used to be.

She is also very blunt when she wants to be. Not something Matt is used to so she will go up and tell his lanky ass that he needs to eat, sleep, and lay off the fucking weed for a bit or he will end up in a ditch somewhere with a squirrel up his arse. Shes direct and a little scary. Matt usually listens to her because again she is not afraid to use blunt force trauma.

Her relationship with Alfred is odd, it is more a business type relationship, he was never really around for her upbringing so she doesnt see him as a brother or anything, more like a far removed cousin. But besides that they and matt absolutely love bitching about people together, like in a corner. It's kindif funny. jack does not join very often unless its winter, he's cold, and has to do official shit, then he gets awfully similar to Arthur and has soooooo much shit with everyone. Hes a little scary like that. Alfred kind of like, tries, to seem familliar bit it never actually works, so hes kind of given up, the business relationship is pretty good though.

Fuck this ask is getting long I need to shut up but I shan't

Anyways now the hard part is her relationship with the isles

She sees Arthur as a father figure, but like a distant one, hes warmed up a little in recent decades but still seems quite cold, even if unintentionally, hes just really really really repressed like that, but he is protective over her, he is protective over all of them but will personally raise hell if anyone touches a finger on his little girl even as she isnt all that little anymore, he tries but it isnt enough, but the sentiment is appreciated, he was strict with her, but not really in gender roles bc again Arthur is not really the type to be fussy about gender, bug he made sure she was s art, if not physically stronger she will be smarter, and she is, and is also strong so a win win for her.

Hes the softest with her when sober, like a little bit of him melts because shes the youngest, she's a girl, and he's kind if getting old now, but is happy to just sit in silence with her. With say Alfred they always have ti be talking or moving or something, Alfred got it from Arthur and it just kind of echoes back. With Matthew he has gotten more lax but still is professional with him, unless either or both are more rats assed then a scouser after a football match, with Jack he is nearly as soft as he is with her, just a little bit more restrained.

She finds it a little odd but not unwelcome that he is calmer with them, but sometimes his near inability to process feeling or feel sympathy or empathy absolutely drives her around the fucking bend. She gets angry at him a lot, for good reason too, historical and personal both. I wont get into them bc I'm nit that well versed in their history.

With alisdair it's very much an uncle situation, same with rhys, and a closer aunt with Brighid, unlike Matt who had Alisdair as basically a stand in parent while Arthur was drunk, or busy, or Jack who has called brighid mum before, they all feel somehwat distant, she likes Brighid but does find her a little intense, most people do but she isn't complaining too much, she has the widest emotional bandwidth of any of the isles and is also the best at comforting by far, Zee likes to feel physically grounded and none of the Kirklands can do hugs without being very awkward about it, closest is the slightly tipsy hugs that Alisdair gives when he sees her looking down.

I dont actually have much developed for rhys or alisdair. I'm sorry :,) and I probably do have other thoughts I just cannot be asked to type it out rn so I hope this is satisfactory

[hopeyxii]

tw for gr0oming and its romantization, p3dophiliac jokes, child manipulation, vore (sexually) etc.

first sorry if grammar errors, i am from brazil. second that this isnt misinformation, this is actually real stuff benjamin/sbaguyos243 did to us. last of all, go to one of my friends profile for more info (@cowardlysimon)

hello, i am hope or hopeyxii, call me what you prefer. so, we all know benjamin the wolf, right?

not to mention these characters were never theirs, i am the original creator of maxus (the big one) and akeko (the small on maxus' mouth.). but benjamin claims they are "adults in my au" but they dont have a single spot of adult appearence, otherwise that, what benjamin did just add wings on maxus' back and an "a" on maxus' sweatshirt. akeko didnt change anything at all.

i am just warning more people about this "drama" that the voices of the people who were manipulated emotionally or sexually by them need to be heard, they groomed me, but not in a sexual way. they blackmailed, manipulated and etc. just to be with my characters. specifically this one, i will show the new reference but for my comfort i dont want to let nobody else beside my close friends draw him because benjamin just over obssessed trough this character.

altough this is the new design, the first design was made by me when i was 9 years old, as a kid lying my age being 13 (i am a 12 year old, growing on 13 in august so give me happy 17th agust/hj)

so, this is it.

9 year old/legacy design.

benjamin was always obssessed with my characters, not only mine, but simon's characters too.

as i said they always blackmailed me and simon, only for god damn characters, wich one time i just raged so much out of it that i let them use, but after i knew some of the things they did (now i know all, to be honest.) i said they couldnt use anymore. they just ignored and just fucked up to somewhere with the characters.

oh, evidences.

the first one was on a video they tried to victimize themselves, but they failed miserabely because a lot of people was in me, alex and simon's side.

(luax is other character who is canonically 11y/o)

they said i emotionally manipulate them, but what goes in a mind of a 9 year old is thinking everything the older person does is right. they said in the comment section of their video that if what i said was grooming i groomed them (9 year old grooming a 15 year old is freaky) and also said one thing just,, oh god generic fictional character groomer who ages up them for weird reasons phrase.

proof

this was from benjamin, they wrote a gigantenormous text over my arguments and yeah

what i said to this

yes, i have a late diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

back to the topic, proof of them talking about the "hope trauma"

not to mention a question of mine, if they have so much "hope trauma", why do they use maxus?

oh yeah, i have a lot of more evidence to show. but, my doc is not complete, wich will help in the tumblr posting and a video i am working on because i am doing more research. thats all for today, bye.

honorable mention for alex and simon for exposing them

[the-s1lly-corner]

Heyy me again so about the creepypasta thing, I just wondered if you can do Ben drowned with a gen z reader platonically? It's okay if your uncomfortable doing it ><

Ben drowned x gen z!reader (platonic!)

not uncomfortable at all! love that im getting ben drowned requests since i enjoy him a lot and kind of want to write for him more; just strictly platonic ..which reminds me, i need to draw him again soon! gonna answer this then take a break and get back to requests yipe!

admin is still sold on the idea of ben being confined to electronics most of the time so i can easily see him gaining access to your devices so he can pester you whenever he wants; though this may get a little annoying since youre... well still alive! you have a life

whether or not the reader is a creepypasta themselves or is a normal person is up to you! i think both can work, though i must say the idea of the reader being just some random person is really funny. like can you imagine? you get some haunted virus but the ghost is chill an you guys become friends

i do think ben can only mess with devices, i dont think he can mess with like. any internet browser stuff.... which segways me to my next idea; the og creepypasta came out in 2010, majoras mask came out in 2000, so putting it in the middle lets say ben died in 2005.. bro has missed a lot. youre going to have to fill him in on a lot of stuff, and boy let me tell you hes going to be going nuts

tell him about the new legend of zelda games. i think he would be hyped. throwing admins hc of ben being sick and tired of LOZ due to being trapped in the game out the window, admin needs this boy to get joyous!

he probably pesters you and asks you about the dumbest shit, does it on purpose because he thinks its funny

sometimes you guys play video games together, bro is absolutely astounded by how far games have come since he passed away. i think he would go insane over five nights at freddys. fill him in on the lore

going back on the video game stuff and playing together, just know that hes going to break the game and cheat + hes a sore loser, soooooooo...

do you think sometimes he comes and tries to spend time with you more and more over time because hes been stuck for years and hasnt really had many people to talk to? like yeah hes an angry spirit, but even angry spirits deserve friends!!!

ponders

probably messes with you by messing with your recordings if youre trying to make a video/tiktok/reel/what have you

probably interjects his own texts into your posts, never really says anything harmful, just messes with spelling or adds dumb messages

honestly its not your SM account/blog, its yalls shared account/blog now/j

stuck with old 2000s humor but i think he would absolutely love present day humor and how unhinged its gotten, though quick warning hes going to start quoting stuff

definitely quotes the sticking out your gyatt thing, hes going to drive you insane with it and hes going to laugh at you

do not play roblox tycoons with him hes going to bully small children

you guys play a horror game together on roblox and you can hear him freaking out through the speakers (likely using an old device for him so youre not fighting for control over one device)

absolutely DEVASTED when you tell him club penguin shut down

just know hes punching the metaphorical wall

on the rare chance ben is able to pull himself into the real world for a brief period of time, you guys probably do the same stuff hes just physically there for a short time!

make him touch grass while hes out, bro hasnt touched grass in nearly 20 years. this isnt even a haha "hes chronically online" joke, he hasnt actually touched grass in years due to circumstances

closing this with a hit of angst that made me go :( but imagine that it starts out as you guys being around the same age (well... close enough, since ben doesnt age anymore due to being a ghost) but overtime, you obviously grow up and have less and less time for him and :(

like owie

"what happened to us? we used to be best friends?" audio but its you two SOBS AND CRIES

[thesungod]

Honestly one of the problems here is that the PJO universe has been milked to death already and the longer they try to keep bringing it back and continue the universe, the more nonsensical and unnecessary the whole thing gets. Don't get me wrong I liked the Apollo series and I love Nico, and I am still grateful that we got a book for Solangelo, a gay couple being featured as the mains is really great but the writing and the plot/story just keeps decreasing because in order to keep the story going, they just take the development back and kinda step back from the earlier books' development in order to keep coming up with more adventures. Or the writing just isnt really that great anymore due to many reasons.

The thing is that for me, ToA fixed HoO’s problems, or at least many of them.

It was back to being first person narration, not too crowded, actually addressed the point of the gods being bad parents and not caring about demigods. Not to mention certain characters, such as Nico, were allowed the development people wanted to see for them in HoO.

But alas it was too late, too many people had either grown out of the series or had been disappointed by Blood of Olympus and now we’ve kinda slidden back again with tsats.

I wouldn’t say the writing’s quality steadily decrease, I’d say it’s inconsistent. Every time you pick a RR book up, you don’t know if you’re going to read a beautiful fantasy book or… well. something else. I’ll wait for the Chalice of The Gods to make a judgement.

While ToA was definitely still a way to milk the PJO franchise, it gives me the vibe of being something RR actually wanted to write. it’s pretty different than the standard 12-14 fantasy book, starting with the plot, but also for the protagonist and the side characters.

That’s why it works, honestly.

It has some of the typical cashgrab elements (cameos, fan service ships etc except they are mostly inserted when they make SENSE) but it’s also genuinely enjoyable and personally I found the themes and story more mature and well constructed.

HoO is really the typical fantasy series for kids lol, not exceptional but not terrible.

The ToA fandom always says Rick Riordan had to write HoO because he wanted to write ToA sajdjajasks. Obviously we have no idea if that is true, but ToA was so peculiar and came so late (Rick must have known his old audience had grown up) that it seems a passion project to me. Literally who sat him down and forced him to write a book series about the god Apollo becoming mortal and going through Stuff.

On the other hand… you’re telling me they didn’t sit him down and force him to write the solangelo book? Please.

I don’t doubt he loves Nico (especially as he carried HoO on his shoulders tbh) but c’mon.

[crocodilejames]

Well, the shrooms are hitting. I’m working through some stuff. I’m thankful. Here’s what I just wrote in my notes app. It’s good to have it here as well, to always remember it. I love myself and the way my brain works through things, and I’m so proud of myself too. It feels so good to say all that, and to really believe it, you know? I’m so thankful.

“I love you”

I mouth the words against your skin

“I love you, I love you.”

I’m afraid to say it out loud because I don’t know what it means for you.

I don’t know how you’ll feel about it, and that scares me.

The unknown scares me.

I’m also afraid that I will tell you, and it will make you think I’m immature. That it will somehow be a sign to you that I’m not ready for this.

You’re going on a date with someone new this Friday. Some part of me is still insecure, I haven’t gotten to the place of comfort and trust with you that I have with Kira.

But I could. I could trust you, you deserve as much as that from me. You deserve more. At the heart of it, I’m afraid that meeting someone new will make you bored of me. You will find something in this new person that you don’t find with me, and you will favor them over me. I’m afraid that they will be shiny and new to you and that I will be old and boring. I’m afraid that our sex isnt satusfying enough for you, anf that you will find greater satisfaction with this new person and with Kitty. And I’m afraid that all of these things will mean you don’t want me anymore. I thought I was special, and that gave me a sense of security. I thought, “I’m the only other person he feels this way about, besides Kitty”. And I thought that made me soecial. But it DOES! It does make me special! YOU are special and I want everything for you, everything that will make you happy. And I worry that our relationship is too simple, too easy, and that you will get bored. But I’M not getting bored, how could I? So how could you?

I love you, and I’m afraid to tell you because I’m afraid it will change some things. How you see me, how you feel about me, what you want with me. I’m afraid all of that will change. But that’s okay, things change and relationships change and that’s how they’re meant to be.

I love you, and I’m afraid to tell you because I’m afraid you won’t say it back. I’m assuming that you are who you were when you told Kitty for the first time, and that it might scare that person. But I might be wrong about that person, I don’t know him. I don’t KNOW HIM.

That isn’t who you are right now. That isn’t who I know. I shouldnt assume that you will act or feel any way about it at all. I shouldnt assume anything.

I love you and I’m afraid that you won’t say it back. And if you don’t then I will be afraid that you never will. And that is something to be afraid of, of course it is. I want to be loved back and it’s okay to want that. It’s actually completely normal and healthy to want that. Of course I want to be loved as I love. That’s our nature. It’s our nature. This is our nature.

I’m afraid that if I don’t tell you now, I will never get a chance. You might die tomorrow or the next day, and I might never get to tell you. And I’m worried that this means I would be telling you out of fear, and I don’t want to make the decision out of fear.

But I already HAVE made the decision. It was made before I even knew there was one. I love you, I love you, I love you and there’s nothing. I love you anf there’s everything. I love and love and love and it doesnt hurt and it doesnt make me tired, and it doesnt run out. It never runs out. And it doesnt HURT. Sure I am scared, but I am not hurting. You are not hurting me, you don’t want to hurt me. You want me to be happy. You thibk I deserve every good and beautifyo thing, and that’s what I thinj YOU deserve! Is that not love? What do I even have to be afraid of, what is there? There is no should, there is no supposed to, there is nothing and there is everything and I love you.

I’m afraid of what Kitty will think. I’m afraid she will see it as a bad sign, and think that it means I’m too young for you after all. Or that I’m out to hurt you, or that I don’t deserve you or that I am not capable of giving you what you desevred. Maybe telling you I love you makes me seem unbalanced, or crass, or immature. But it isnt crass, it isnt an impulse. I love you because you are good for me, and because you are beautiful, and you want the world to be safe and you want ut to be happy and YOU want to be happy. And everything ordinary is a miracle including you. There is nothing ordinary about you and yet you belong right where tou are and the earth holds you like a stone, and you have always been there and you are beautiful and ordinary and not ordinary and something that words aren’t for, they have no business trying to be about you. You are everything and nothing and ordinary and not, and I love you. But anyway,

It isnt immature either. Ive thought about it, made sure I mean it before ever saying it. And that’s what’s important, much more than a timeline. Time isn’t real anyway. The point is I’m being responsible. I’m not being impulsive and I’m not going to hold it over you and I’m not going to use it to hurt you, I don’t ever want my love to be used as a tool to hurt you. I’m scared of getting hurt as well, but I’m much more scared of being the one doing the hurting.

I know myself. And I know that I don’t subscribe to the “should”s and “shouldnt”s of the world, and that is not going to change. I will not change it out of the fear that you see it that way. Part of what I love about you is that you don’t. I have to trust you on that. It all comes back to trust.

I was afraid. I was afraid that my feelings mean something about me. Something bad.

But they don’t. They are just feelings, and they just exist and they’re my nature! I have to stop fighting against my nature, I WANT to stop fighting against my nature. I’ve always said it’s beautiful that I can love the way I love, that I know how to, that I even have the ability and that the feelings even come as they do. It’s a miracle, I am a miracle. And I love myself and I am afraid that Sam does not love me. But doesn’t he? Is that not what I feel from him all the time? Is that not what he’s giving me, what he has given anf what he continues to give? Is that not love? Of course it is love! There is nothing else it could be. In whatever way he wants to define it, how I define it is love. I was afraid that he would not love me, in the way I define love. But there you go. He does. He already does.

This is what people mean when they say love is a verb.

It feels god to say it, it feels natural, it feels easy. I love you. But not just saying it. It feels good to do. It feels natural to love you, it is, natural. I love you. And it’s okay to say it, and I’m not afraid.

[butteredteeth]

TW: Vent

Topics: toxic mother, severe anxiety

So lastnight I was sobbing super hard about feeling like I'm being abandoned by my best friend (not specifying which, I hate doing that) and while I was crying I got all raspy as one does when bawling their eyes out to the point their throat bothers them. So she told me "those noises arent necessary" and that I "cry differently every time I cry". Which is, let me know if I'm wrong, A NATURAL OCCURENCE FOR HUMANS?? Anyways then she kept trying to comfort me after I said I was just gonna leave the room because I didnt even feel like crying into her shoulder anymore and would rather cry alone. So when I finally left I kept silently sobbing, hoping she didnt hear me. And I tried watching South Park for a distraction, barely worked. Did my makeup finally, distracted me really very good but trying to go to sleep was difficult because I am still so terrified I'm going to lose them. So I took an indica 10mg gummy and watched South Park until it kicked in enough for me to sleep. Woke up feeling like shit this morning. My calves hurt, my knees hurt, my arms are sore, my neck is super tense, my back feels like it's being snapped in half with every movement, and worst part? Yesterday my therapy was cancelled so now I have to wait a week to get all of this shit off of my chest and get advice and a good talking about my emotions and irritability. And today we went to the furniture store to get my mom a new chair and previous to that we were waiting for the family buddy to get here, he helps with furniture moving and we rarely see him other than that. My mom tells me to "not be all over him and playing with him like that" when I'm acting like a kid my age should. Only time anyone EVER plays with me, my sisters dont, my mom cant, and anyone else who can doesnt want to or feels like im too old because im too mature. I always say I'm too mature to play and stuff but I do it ALONE that's why. The family buddy practically adopted into the family at this point. Hes like my older brother. Feels like my mom hates to see me play and have fun and genuinely laugh. She did apologize because "now that she thinks about it, its just her insecurity an anxiety about people thinking I'm a brat" which really hit a hard one in my chest because SHE.

SHE.

Used to call me a spoiled brat for having panic attacks, meltdowns, and anxiety. She has always pushed her stress onto me. Never tried to hide it to save my mental health even when I was like six. I let her vent to me, I take care of her, I suggest therapy (LIKE ALL OF MY SISTERS DO) and she just refuses or puts it off because her current therapist isnt the right fit. So now everyones just stressed and all that I soak up and now I'm fucking panicked and shit every god damn day.