#been too long since i’ve written wills pov. but i love him & his ridiculousness

[mediumgayitalian]

If there’s one thing Will is, it’s committed to the bit.

Is there, perhaps, a touch of regret in his heart as he shivers, freezing, clad in nothing but his t-shirt and cargo shorts? Had he been told, before he left his cabin, by his long-suffering siblings that he was going to regret not wearing a sweater? Was the none-too-gentle reminder sixty-four percent of the reason he’d stubbornly refused the sweater he’d originally been planning on wearing in the first place?

Yes, yes, and no, surprisingly; take that, predictability allegations. He’s spontaneous as shit.

(Eight-three percent.)

(Whatever.)

He walks under a shadowy tree, briefly enveloping him in a deeper cold. He tries and fails to hold back a shudder.

“You’re cold,” says a critical voice to his left.

“I’ve never experienced even a mild case of hypothyroidism-borne boreal temperature intolerance even one time in my life, di Angelo, so check and mate.”

Unfortunately, the second half of his sentence is garbled by both his chattering teeth and his throat beginning to close. Curse you, Apollonian inability to lie. Will has people to gaslight, and a reputation to protect.

“You’re an idiot.”

Will wheezes. After three or four attempts, and the threat from his brain to his lungs that he will self-tracheotomize, really, he will, just try and fuck around cause you will sure as shit find out, bitch, he manages to clear his airways enough to employ his vocal chords (which, actually, are inaptly named. They are not chords, they are membranophones. Obviously).

“Nuh uh.”

“You really are an idiot. A frozen one.” Nico huffs. There is the sound of rustling, and for a moment Will is blindingly jealous of his friend’s night vision. He wants to snoop around in the dark to identify rustling sounds. How come he only glows when he’s embarrassed? He gets the stupidest Apollo powers. “Take my coat.”

Before Will can do much as protest, a heavy, undoubtedly warm jacket is shoved in his pockets.

“If you don’t wear it I’ll shadow travel to Slovakia,” Nico threatens. “And it’s winter for them right now, too, so I’ll pop out and immediately succumb to the elements.”

Will’s turn to be huffy, he slides the stupid jacket onto his arms. Immediately, he’s filled with a warmth so potent he feels as if he can almost fix his many mental problems. It’s glorious.

“Jacket smells like you, stink-face,” he says instead. He buries his nose in the collar and takes a deep inhale, closing his eyes as he savours the smell of woodsmoke, leather, and, amusingly, a little bit of oregano.

“Remind me to stab you tomorrow morning. It’s been too long.”

“It’s been three days,” Will argues, but dutifully makes a mental note.

Nico seems pleased.

They finally break through the woods’ borders, stepping into the torchlight of camp, late evening. Will spots three couples sucking face behind their cabin. He then spies thrice as many Hermes kids up to nefarious deeds, such as attaching timed fireworks to windows and doorways for a fun morning surprise. Will makes a mental note, under the stabbing reminder, to prepare burn salve tomorrow morning. And to hide Cecil in his office for his own protection, because he’s a good friend like that.

“Thank you for getting herbs with me,” Will says, turning to Nico. He smiles, trying to pour as much gratitude into his voice as he can. “I hate going alone.”

“Yeah,” says Nico, stiffly. He looks everywhere but Will’s face. When Will does not look away, he glances over, scowling at Will’s broadening grin. “Whatever, Solace. Don’t be so needy, next time.”

Tactfully, Will refrains from mentioning that he had not asked for Nico’s accompaniment at all, actually, and was halfway to the forest with a list of ingredients when Nico had shown up, red-faced, and snatched Will’s list clean out of his hands and muttered something about incompetence and monster baiting fools.

“I still appreciate it,” he says diplomatically, and then, because he is an asshole and also struggles with impulse control, he leans down and pecks Nico’s forehead. “Smooch of gratitude,” he explains when Nico freezes, facial expression resembling that of a squished pear.

“Ha nngh mfgh,” Nico says after a moment. Or perhaps he said hangry muffins, Will’s not sure, sometimes his hearing aids go wonky.

“Indeed,” he says anyway. He leans down to smooch Nico’s forehead again, because it was nice, and because he didn’t get stabbed the first time. “See you in the morning, Neeks. Love you bunches and bunches.”

“Hngh daga,” Nico responds, and when Will pouts he clears his throat and rectifies, “I love you…too?”

Will nods, satisfied. “Yes, exactly. Goodnight.”

He jogs off, waving. It isn’t until he gets back to his cabin and is immediately accosted by his siblings that he realises that he has stolen Nico’s jacket.

“Hm.” He glances down at it. It really is a wonderful jacket. And, plus, Nico didn’t give him a return date, or anything, so it’s probably fine if he keeps it a little longer.

He doesn’t want to get cold, after all.

[cto10121]

you’re oversimplifying the argument surrounding the darklings hunger for power. i agree, alina isn’t alina without her powers. but it’s quite clear that the darkling is willing to prioritize the use and commodification of her powers over her agency and personhood. his main goal was to orient alina towards his political cause so he could use her powers, the feelings came after. when it became clear that alina would choose a different path, the darkling threw her independence and right to consent out the window and collared her to harness her power as his own. this is a clear indication that he prioritizes that utility of alinas powers > her. the argument that “alina is not alina without her powers!” in this case makes little sense because you’re somehow implying that the darkling’s primary motivation for pursuing alina was because he liked her for who she was, which is just as inaccurate.

Okay, this is where we have to be clear which Darkling we are talking about, book!Darkling or show!Darkling. Because there is a clear difference between the two and how their motivations and actions were written and we cannot move forward without acknowledging the changes and the (bad) writing that plagues the Darkling re: motivation.

Because for better or worse, unlike book!Darkling, show!Darkling makes little to no distinction between Alina the person and Alina the Sun Summoner. Even in his language he uses mostly Alina or Miss Starkov, depending on the situation and context; post-Episode 5, he uses Sun Summoner with Ivan and the other Grisha, but (revealingly) Alina with Zoya. He constantly looks straight at Alina during her light demonstrations and not her light, even when others do. “I have seen you for what you truly are, and I have never looked away. I never will” betrays the core of this attitude and it does ring true (Barnes at least confirmed it to be a non-manipulative line). To the Darkling at some level, Alina and the Summoner are one and the same. It’s even questionable that he even planned to control her power with the amplifier from the get-go; it reads more like he expected (delusionally?) Alina to see his side of things and understand why they should keep to the Fold for now. It reads more like a decision he took only after Alina left him, which he construed as a personal betrayal and a break of trust (from his POV).

Yes, he did plan to use the Sun Summoner for his own devices because, well, he knew her as only the Sun Summoner in the beginning—just like most if not all the characters in the show. She had political significance to him and others. But that he started to see her as more than that is pretty evident even early on. I won’t lie, I did laugh at the “are you sure?” consent request—oh, yes, control her power via amplifier without her consent, but for sex, surely not!!!—but again, it reaffirms the theory that show!Darkling’s original intentions were most likely to let Alina kill the stag and take over its power and then reveal his plan to expand the Fold. It would even explain lines like that incredulous, cold, and even judgmental “You would give up your gift?” Ep. 2 line after Alina offers to transfer her power to someone who would use it—not the type of reaction someone planning to do exactly just that would have. You’d think 500 years of existence would give you a finer appreciation of irony.

Does this mean that since the Darkling initially planned to use her that his eventual falling for her is therefore less pure/inferior to Mal’s love? Yeah, if you have a black-and-white “only love based on and arising from pure motivations is valid!!!” type of view. Does this mean that since he wouldn’t have looked twice at Alina had she not been the Sun Summoner, his love for her is less pure? Well, considering book!Mal 1) did not even notice Alina romantically until after she was taken to the Little Palace and 2) definitely had tons of trouble accepting Alina as the Sun Summoner in Book 2 before magically becoming warmly supportive in Book 3, I’m not too fussed over splitting logical hairs and playing the what-if fanfic AU game at ridiculous levels (“Voldemort would never look twice at Harry Potter if he weren’t a wizard destined to destroy him!! He just hated him because of the prophecy, it’s not true hate!!!” *le sigh*). Also, what about Nikolai? He, too, initially viewed Alina as a symbol of hope, used her for his gain, and proposed a strictly political marriage for alliance. Doesn’t take away from the fact that he did come to like her for herself and it sure did not stop most of the fandom from simping for him hard or shipping him with Alina.

I’m frankly too old for purity tests; kindergarten was a long time ago for me, you see. We may enjoy fictional villains for their nigh-omniscient, well, villainy, but in the real world and in fiction that seeks to portray its messiness, you never have as much control as you think you do, no one does. Power and privilege are very much relative. And above all, things never go according to plan. The fact that the Darkling initially viewed Alina as the Sun Summoner to play a key part of his plans does not take away from the fact that he did honestly fell for her and came to see her as more than just the Summoner. He did do wrong in trying to control her, definitely, but for reasons I’ve explained, it’s not as revealing of his true view of her as you’d think. “I’ll relax,” as he tells Zoya when he rejects (!!) her advances, “when I have Alina.” Not Sun Summoner.

(Also, as a bit of a P.S., much of my original post was not so much about the Darkling as the fandom’s own cleaving of Alina from her powers. I get that Bardugo’s narrative almost encourages the reader to view Alina’s powers as something apart from Alina, powers that corrupt her or could, but I must question that artistic decision, especially since 1) it contradicts the established magical system so damn hard and 2) magical male heroes like Harry Potter never face the prospect of losing their power or having their power be controlled by another or even being “corrupted” just by using their power. I really resent that sexist double standard. If Harry weren’t a wizard, he would not be Harry. If Alina weren’t the Sun Summoner, she would not be Alina.)

[roselightfairy]

If you're still doing fic recs, do you have any favorite AUs?

Oh, do I!! This is an EXCELLENT prompt, and I’ve had a lot of fun compiling this list tonight. I’ve ended up grouping it into two different sections: modern AU (because there are a lot of those!) and “other,” which are…non-modern AU, haha. For the most part I’ve left out UA (universe alteration, in which the universe is the same but something about the story changes), because I can’t think of any of those right now – but I know there are some really good ones of that as well!

So:

Modern:

like, comment, subscribe by DeHeerKonijn

Summary: A collection of fics that take place in my modern ‘verse, wherein Minas Tirith is a bustling city, Gimli is a professor at the university, and Legolas is a model-slash-influencer-slash-layabout.

…

Come on, you all knew this was going to be first on the list. The amount of worldbuilding @deheerkonijn has put into this series is absolutely breathtaking, and what you see on Tumblr is probably only the half of it. (Go stalk her Twitter, even if you don’t have a profile – I do it all the time!) This series is all she’s written for it so far, plus the fic that we cowrote about the OC roommates. But aside from that, the series has a whole assortment of always sexy, always funny, always sweet stories about Legolas and Gimli; go read them all!

No Place Like HoME by Flamebyrd

Summary: In which our heroes play a MMORPG called Heroes of Middle-Earth.

…

THIS IS SO GOOD. I love this premise so much, haha – Legolas and Gimli are just regular humans (with regular names, even!) and a rivalry they don’t even know about – but it turns out they’ve been playing each other in a game for quite awhile! It’s cute, fun, and creative, and I wish there were more.

life’s just a game (and it’s just your turn) by plinys

Summary: Legolas and Gimli try to have phone sex (or well, headset sex) with some unforeseen consequences.

…

I ADORE that these two as gamers is a fic idea that exists more than once, and this one is so fluffy with just a hint of spice (and a hefty dose of embarrassment, haha, but they deserved it!). Read it and grin!

Hold My Number by katajainen

Summary: It's a Saturday night at the A&E, and Gimli only wants to get to the triage nurse and be done with this whole stupid business.

That is, until he meets a tall, dark stranger (a ridiculously pretty one).

…

I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH. The crowning glory of meet-cutes (though it’s more of a meet-ugly, really), in which Legolas and Gimli meet at the emergency room for very embarrassing reasons . . . and hit it off right away, in a way that is adorable, delightful, and funny to watch. Read for their embarrassing stories, their adorable dorkiness (they’re gamers again!), and their undeniable chemistry.

Perfect Fit by mssileas

Summary: "Both of them were painfully aware that their physical differences were shockingly obvious – much more so than their also very different personalities. And that they usually led people to assumptions they weren't shy of declaring."

Or, Legolas single-handedly disproves all prejudice, and Gimli loves it.

…

This is a lovely (and smutty, so be warned) modern AU oneshot that challenges the stereotypes of these two based on how they look – and how they would probably be treated, if they were a couple in our world. If you’re interested in the modern AU premise but not the smut, there’s another oneshot set in this ‘verse, Christmas Body, that is mostly just fluff!

Other (non-modern):

The Earth Moves Under Our Feet (It’s A Loco Motion) by notanightlight

Summary: The West is still Wild. Gimli is working on the railway, Legolas is a gunslinger, and someone needs to turn this train around.

…

WILD WEST AU WILD WEST AU!! This story is one of my favorite things ever because it’s a WILD WEST AU and Gimli is an Irish immigrant and Legolas is an outlaw and they meet in a near-death situation and bond! It has wonderful worldbuilding, excellent banter, and little moments of flirting that almost hide below the surface of the aforementioned near-death situation, but not quite. ;) Please go read it, or listen to the amazing accompanying podfic by Morvidra, which is an astounding performance.

Nothing Doth Fade (But Suffers a Sea-Change) by notanightlight

Summary: Gimli has always heard stories about the seals that lived near the cliffs of Castle Durin. “They aren’t what they seem,” they’d tell him. Gimli never knew what to think of those stories, until the night he met a stranger on the shore, with the sea in his eyes and moonlight on his skin.

…

@notanightlight has too many amazing AUs to list them all here, but I have to give a shout-out to this one because SELKIES but also ANGST and SORROW and BETRAYAL but FORGIVENESS and HOPE and – I don’t know. It plays with a common and really sad trope, but gives our characters a way through that is hard and painful, but worth it, in the end – a story in which everything is not all okay, but in which that doesn’t have to be the end, if everyone is willing to work. Plus, Thranduil makes an appearance and he is magnificent.

Wild Hunt by consumptive_sphinx

Summary: There’s a knock on the door.

It isn’t quite dusk; it isn’t too dangerous yet. But still, it’s late to be out on Midwinter’s Night. What if he was held up somewhere?

Legolas takes a nail with him when he opens the door. “Gimli. It’s late.”

…

Fae AU!! consumptive_sphinx has many wonderful AUs and you should check out their whole profile, but I had to give this one a shout-out. It’s mysterious and tender and packs a whole lot of story between the lines of its 917 words and made me yearn for more!

The Monstrous Fellowship by IchijouKenichiro

Summary: Astrin's cousins Fíli and Kíli left to fight the forces of Mordor over two years ago, but there's been no word from them for the last six months. Being a woman of action and the one who always is there to get them out of trouble, Astrin disguises herself as the male warrior Gimli and joins the army to fight for them. But the regiment she joins is anything but typical. With troublesome hobbits, a religious fanatic, the undead, a golem, and even an elf, are the greatest dangers to come from her fellow man? And what secrets are they all holding onto?

A parody of Terry Prachett's "A Monstrous Regiment"

…

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. This is ACTUALLY a Monstrous Regiment rewrite of LOTR, with the Fellowship in the place of the Regiment, and the characters are – actually matched up really, really well. Full disclosure: I read this before I read Monstrous Regiment and went in fully prepared to ship Polly and Maladict… but it turns out they were extremely shippable anyway, so that turned out all right. ;) Seriously – this is an excellent fic, such a fun story, and such a good homage!

Aulë’s Gift by daisynorbury

Summary: "Our friendship endures these strange periods of inequality. You can't remember, and I can't forget."

A new chapter in Adina's classic Back to the Beginning cycle, wherein Aulë granted Gimli perpetual reincarnation. Two thousand years into the Fourth Age, Legolas meets the ninth version of his dearest friend. Told mostly from Gimli's amnesiac POV.

…

I don’t know if this story fully counts as an AU, but I’ve been longing to rec it for several lists and just – couldn’t ever quite find a category it fit into. AU is close enough, since even though the world is meant to be Middle-earth far in the future, it’s different enough to feel like another world. This is a reincarnation story of Legolas and Gimli set in the series referenced above (and recommended in a different list), and it deals with the extreme complication of the situation with so much sensitivity and grace that it rivets me. Even if I didn’t know @daisyfornost, it would be so obvious to me that an absolutely unbelievable amount of thought and care went into the worldbuilding, the writing, the creation of this story. It is such a labor of love, and that love is evident throughout the whole thing. Please go read it, but I warn you that you will have lots of feelings.

…

Thank you again for this amazing prompt, anon! Reminder to all that this is in no way a comprehensive list – I’m sure I’ve left out so many other wonderful stories. Please feel free to add your own, if you reblog this! And my usual reminder to please leave the author a comment if you read any of these and enjoy it. <3

[blurry-fics]

English Class

Pairing: high school!Tyler Joseph x Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1964

Request: could i request something related to the rose colored boy series? as i’ve said i love that story a lot haha. but maybe just a little imagine about how they met each other and their first impressions?

Author’s Note: As stated in the request, this is part of the Rose Colored Boy storyline! Their meeting in english class was mentioned on multiple occasions, so here it is for you to read :) I hope you enjoy it! Also, yes, I have listened to Level of Concern and I love it!! (picture credit)

Your POV

Music blasted in your headphones as you made your way through the halls towards your English class. Your fingers were wrapped tightly around your backpack straps, tucked into your sides to avoid bumping into anyone. Getting to English class was always the worst part of the day since you had to walk all the way from one end of the school to the other through crowds of juniors and seniors who were just getting back from lunch, hence the tucked in arms and loud music to move quickly and drown everything out.

You were relieved when you finally made it to the English hall. There were only a few kids hanging out outside of their classrooms, mostly talking to friends and putting off going to class as long as they could. They hardly gave you a second glance as you walked past and ducked into your own classroom.

You started to head for your seat out of habit until you realized that Julie was sitting in it, scrolling idly through her phone. Confused, you turned towards the projector to see if there was some warm up activity about sitting at a different table. Your stomach practically dropped when you realized that there was a new seating chart. You had just gotten comfortable enough to make small talk with the people you had previously been sitting with.

After a minute or so of working out how the seating chart was aligned, you figured out where your new seat was and sat down in it. Your table partner, Tyler, had already arrived and was scribbling something down in a bent notebook. He glanced up at you and smiled as you took a seat, but didn’t say anything.

Probably because of the headphones.

You snuck a glance at Tyler when he seemed particularly wrapped up in whatever he was doing. The two of you had never talked before, but you knew a little about him. He was one of the kids from the other middle school that a couple of your friends had gone to; they were always talking about how they had huge crushes on him in seventh grade, but he had never really been interested. You could see why they thought he was cute, his eyes were nice and the brief smile he had given you was enough to make your stomach flip. That, and he played basketball; that was always a bonus in your friends’ eyes.

He started to turn in your direction, so you quickly made yourself busy by unzipping your backpack and pulling out your designated english notebook. The front was already covered in doodles from the friend that you used to sit next to in this class, but now she was on the other side of the room. From the looks of it, she was having no problem making friends with the new people that she was sitting with. Your table, on the other hand, was largely ignoring each other’s existence.

When the bell finally rang, you paused your music and tucked your headphones away into your pocket. You were only a few months into the school year and had already received numerous warnings about listening to music in class. Mr. Brown had even said that if he caught you one more time, there would be detention involved. You weren’t really looking to have to explain that to your parents… or Carter, for that matter.

“Alright, class! Good morning! I’m happy to see that all of you were able to find your new seats,” Mr. Brown said, making his way towards the front of the room. “I will be using that to take attendance today, so please make sure that you are sitting in the correct spot so that you don’t get marked absent. While I do that, I would like you to take a few minutes to introduce yourselves to your table members. You will be working closely together during the next unit, so I want you to at least know each other’s names. Go ahead.”

You slid a little farther down in your seat, not wanting to be the first to introduce yourself. Thankfully, Tyler was more than willing to start everyone off.

“Hi, my name is Tyler.”

He looked to you and raised his eyebrows. You cleared your throat and sat up a little straighter.

“Y/N,” you said, forcing a smile.

The rest of the table introduced themselves and then went quiet, getting back on their phones or making faces at their friends across the room. You idly tapped your pencil against the cover of your notebook.

“What music were you listening to?” Tyler asked.

The question took you by surprise. Sure, your friends had told you that he was talkative at times, but you never really expected him to talk to you. You stopped leaning on your hand and turned to face him.

“Oh, you know, just random stuff,” you said, too embarrassed to give him the actual answer.

“That’s cool,” he nodded.

“Do you… ever… listen to music?”

Really?

“Yeah, I’m really into music.”

“Who do you listen to?”

Tyler shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “I think The Killers and Death Cab for Cutie are my favorites right now, but it’s always changing.”

“My brother really likes The Killers, he’s constantly playing their music while he does homework.”

“Same, I listen to their music when I practice basketball, usually.”

“You play basketball?”

Yes. You already knew the answer.

“Yeah, I’ve been playing since I was little.”

“Are you going to try out for the basketball team?”

You were surprised by how easy conversation with Tyler was becoming. Maybe it was the encouraging smile on his face or the fact that he hardly even blinked when you were stumbling over your words. Either way, you were beginning to be thankful for the seating arrangement change.

“I’m thinking about it, but I’m not sure that I would be good enough.”

“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he smiled. “I guess I don’t want people to think I got picked just because my dad is the varsity coach.”

“Easy, just make sure you’re actually good at basketball,” you laughed.

“I am, don’t worry.”

You were about to make a joke about his cocky attitude, but the teacher grabbed everyone’s attention again and started to talk about what he had planned for the day. Tyler smiled at you over his shoulder before turning and paying attention.

This was definitely turning out better than you had anticipated.

Tyler’s POV

“Alright, I’m going to give you the last ten minutes of class to silently work on next week’s short story assignment! If you have any questions, I’ll be at my desk.”

Silent? That wasn’t going to work.

I glanced over at Y/N, who had already written a few sentences at the top of her page. Her hand was moving quickly across the page, writing sentences that looked much neater than mine would if I ever started writing. I would much rather sit and talk to her, but there was no way I would be able to get away with it during silent writing time. There had to be some other way that I could keep up a conversation.

I quietly ripped out a sheet of notebook paper and pulled off the perforated bit on the side. Across the top, I wrote down a question for her to answer as an icebreaker.

What are you writing about?

I folded the paper in half and made sure that Mr. Brown was turned towards his computer before sliding it to her. She stopped writing and glanced at the piece of paper. With furrowed eyebrows, she unfolded it and scanned the question I had written. I watched as she wrote out her answer, folded the note, and slid it back to me.

It’s kind of hard to explain, but basically there’s this city that all these people are stuck in and they try to escape. Only one of them is successful though. I don’t know, it’s kind of stupid and I’m not explaining it very well. What are you writing?

Stupid? That didn’t sound stupid at all. I made sure to write that down.

I don’t think that’s stupid at all, it sounds really cool. I’m not really sure yet, any ideas?

Y/N took a moment to finish her sentence before grabbing the paper and reading my new note. She pursed her lips and took a moment to think before answering, trying - and failing - to conceal a smile as she wrote back. It was cute.

Wait, what?

What if you write about a castle that’s under attack by something ridiculous? Like a giant pineapple or something?

Now I understood why she was smiling. We shared a look before I started to write back. It had to be funny, that way I would get to see her smile again; something about it made my stomach fill with butterflies.

And once they destroy it they celebrate by making piña coladas for the entire town?

I passed the note back to her. She opened it and smiled.

Success.

Before she had a chance to pass it back to me, there was the sound of footsteps behind us. The two of us turned around to see Mr. Brown standing behind us, his hands clasped in front of him. In our excitement over the story idea, we had failed to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn’t paying attention. Wordlessly, he bent down and picked up our note. He was nice enough to read it silently.

“I’m expecting you to come up with your own ideas, Mr. Joseph, but you should be thankful that Ms. Y/L/N is nice enough to help you.”

“Thanks,” I said, turning to her. She tried so hard to conceal a laugh that she ended up snorting.

“Back to work, you two.”

I didn’t make a second attempt at trying to pass her a note, not wanting to get her in trouble for my bad decisions. Her ideas had helped me create my own, though, and I was able to spend the last five minutes of class writing a couple paragraphs.

“I want to actually thank you,” I said as I started to put things into my backpack. The bell had just rung and the entire class was filled with the sounds of shuffling paper and zippers. “I didn’t use the pineapple idea, but it did help me come up with something.”

“I’m glad I was able to help,” she smiled as she pushed an earbud into her ear.

“Also, you should totally listen to Death Cab for Cutie and let me know what you think.”

“I think I’ll do that.”

I could see that she was eager to go and I was the only reason she was hanging behind. Not wanting to keep her longer, I said a simple, “I’ll talk to you next class.”

“Bye, Tyler.”

She put her other earbud in and walked out of the room without another word. I finished packing up my things and walked into the hall to meet up with Nick, who had just finished his own english class.

“How was class?” he asked.

“Really good. We got a new seating arrangement and I’m sitting next to this really cool girl.”

“Oh yeah? Is she cute?”

“It’s not like that,” I said. “She just seems like someone I would want to be friends with.”

“You can be friends with cute girls, you know.”

I shook my head, although my cheeks were already getting hot. “Ok, yeah, she’s cute.”

“I knew it!” Nick laughed. “Still, that’s really cool.”

“Yeah.”

For the first time ever, I was looking forward to the next time I had english.

[adonis-koo]

Sorry my asks was too long I had to make an acc and I hope you don’t mind I just re post all my asks as submit instead coz it’s long!

1-9 after reading ch 11 and prob unpopular opinion but I kinda felt like sometimes tease!jk behavior comes across as emotional manipulative with how he tends to guilt trip mc with his double standards when he’s angry.

He makes her feel bad for things he’s doing the same. And what he said was crossing the line and downright cruel. I understand the reasoning but I have to agree with that anon who said he was let off easy

2-9 I feel like he’s so far given a lot of excuse and pass for his toxic behaviour just because he has a messed up past. When I look at the conflict between mc, he tends to lash out towards her a lot when he can’t express his emotions properly or is jealous. It makes mc look like his emotional punching bag at times and coz he’s more aggressive than her, she ends up get dragged by or is affected by his emotions a lot more than hers does his in a negative way. Mc ain’t right too but she never lashed out the way he did.

3-9 Mc ain’t right too but she never lashed out the way he did. Sure he apologized but I feel like it was dismissed and that behavior wasn’t addressed more seriously. him being forgiven so easily doesn’t seem to allow him the chance to experience the full consequences of his actions and he needs to learn he can’t always deal with his pain by self-harm if he did happen to lose mc.

4-9 and mc seems a little over depend on jk’s approval. If him not apologizing would be enough for her to shut down that bad, than it shows her dependence on him might be bordering on unhealthy. It feels like all her approval and acceptance of herself at this point stems from jk’s behavior and words towards her because as you mentioned, her friends wouldn’t be able to pull her out of that situation if she did shut down.

5-9 She seem to feel insecure when he’s not giving her the attention she wants coz of her insecurities of not measuring up. I’m not sure if she’s aware of that and if she is it’s not addressed as much. Her accepting his apologies feels like a temporary bandage to her deeper issues and enabling herself to be more dependent on him instead of a chance for her to face it alone and grow.

6-9 I feel mc needs more chances to find her own worth and love outside of jk. To know she don’t need his love to feel lovable and worthy since he’s not the best person to get it from. She also needs the chance to be stronger and take more assertion and power as well, to balance the power in their relationship because it feels v imbalance now.

7-9 She needs a bit more equal grounds and feel in control and know she has as much power as him. She’s missing this in both sex and her relationship with him since the type of man she likes - the dominant and caretaker type like jk who has a tendency to be in control, can hinder her from growing stronger and independent.

8-9 And jk kinda needs someone more assertive and put him in his place and don’t take no bs from him. Someone who’ll be willing to walk away and have a time out when needed instead of always accepting him back so easily after he apologizes when he messes up. I’m actually glad mc walked out & I wouldn’t blame her if she did decide to time out from him in this ch. I mean he needs to be treated w/ understanding but too much dismissing his behavior will only enable him to continue excuse his problematic side.

9-9 Change requires quite some time and I’m glad they talked it over. But I just felt the way it ended didn’t really addressed fully those toxic sides to their relationship when the negative influences they have on each other outweighs the positive so far. I don’t know if I’m making sense I’m not the best at explaining stuff. But of course they have a lot more room to grow too since the story is not over and I’m excited to see their relationship grow more. I honestly really love your writings and I’m so invested in the characters so I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m being hateful because your writing is amazing.

~~~

(edit: PC tumblr won’t let me use my pink font >:( )

So I’ve read over this very carefully multiple times and gave it a lot of thought because you pointed out a few things I hadn’t quite thought of or saw it in that type of angle before, so first of all, thank you! I NEVER want to portrayal a relationship that is toxic in a non intentional way, so let’s go ahead and dive on in.

Something I’ve tried to avoid is giving ‘excuses’ especially in the sense of using Jungkook’s background for it. Something I used to constantly say (and I should probably start saying again) yes he has a reason to act out the way he does, it does NOT mean it’s okay by any means. But in a way, we use our past experiences as human beings to guide us, bad experiences leave negative effects.

While we could argue Jungkook ‘needs to learn’ by suffering consequences (which to a degree I do agree because as a previous anon said he needs to be held accountable for his actions) it wouldn’t necessarily be effective in this situation because Jungkook is actually very self aware he can’t escape through self-harm or self destruction, he does understand his actions and what he is doing isn’t okay.

But that doesn’t mean he won’t make mistakes- or fuck up big time he’s extremely hotheaded and impulsive and it’s something he CONSTANTLY battles with, something I wanted to portray when writing tease is the very essence of humans, we can be self aware of our destructive tendencies and yet still do them without realizing it in the moment- only to catch ourselves realizing we did it later on. Which is what happened after their fight.

It’s a war between wanting to heal and become healthy while still struggling to let go of his ego and anger that get the better of him. It’s what makes him human, it doesn’t make it right by ANY means, but it’s a struggle of growth, and no matter how much we grow there will always be ups and downs and set backs. That was definitely something I wanted to portray in my writing, while we don’t see this internal battle in Jungkook as the fic isn’t in his POV we do get to see a lot of this in his journal entries.

This is however something we get to explore a little in the upcoming arc and it’s something we heavily explore after the upcoming arc.

Let me state again this probably still sounds like an excuse and it does not in ANY way mean to be, the only thing I can really do is just explain why I’ve written him this way. I can’t justify his actions or defend him (other then his charactization which still isn’t really defending him because it’s more to do in technicality of writing, if that makes sense?) because that would be enabling him and glorifying unhealthy relationships which we don’t do in this house 🤢

So let’s discuss a little about MC’s behavior, she is 100% dependent of Jungkook’s approval and praise and in a more unconscious way, that was pretty much what I was aiming for. But let’s take a look at their entire relationship through the eyes of the story, Jungkook and MC, in reality, set themselves up for this. Ever since they met they accidentally established a power dynamic-

(via mentor/trainee taken a little too seriously even Jimin states in chapter 2 ‘“You don’t see any of us grinding on our trainee’s, so what’s the difference Guk, hm?” Your lips parted at his words slightly, was he insinuating this wasn’t normal?’ This was the first clue that their mentor trainee relationship was not  normal compared to all of the others soloists who had trainee’s)

-that should have never been allowed to flourish before they really got to know one another. Because that’s the first step to what lead to all of this.

It first started innocently, MC just wanting to be seen as desirable by someone cute like Jungkook, and him being her mentor she wanted his approval on knowing she was doing well. But due to their natural tendency to fall into dom and sub combined with their already established mentor trainee without the foundation of a steady platonic friendship beforehand, it quickly descended more and more into MC needing his attention all the time, needing to know she was good enough and etc.

Really, this goes back to a previous ask I answered: Jungkook and MC have a lack of respect and knowledge for/of one another as people, as two individuals outside of the crumbling dynamic they established when they first met. I mean, sitting here thinking about it, I’m really not surprised it became such a toxic fest between them. They completely set themselves up for this unintentionally and now they’re going to have to learn is how to be a couple (and friends) without the power dynamic or else things are bound to fall apart.

Like you said change does take time and it’s something we’ll begin too see slowly developing between them both in the upcoming arc, but the one question that really struck me was your main one. We’re all aware of these toxic dynamics going on between them both, but why weren’t they addressed and talked about? I feel a little dumb for having to think about it when it feels so clear to me now. They themselves, don’t realize just how toxic their relationship has become, how are they supposed to when it’s been set up this way from the beginning? Their (unfair and unhealthy) power dynamic is all they’ve ever experienced one another through.

MC jumped out of one controlling relationship only to enter another more appealing one without realizing it and Jungkook has never even seen a healthy relationship let alone experience one. The only unhealthy aspect they are both aware of are the ridiculous double standards Jungkook had put on her in the past, because it’s the most blatant and dominant problem between them both. All of these other issues are more underlying and they are both oblivious too.

We’ve both said change takes time, but I think as Jungkook and MC begin to see each other as people outside of the power dynamic, and as they get to know each other as people and no longer as caretaker/little, sub/dom, mentor/trainee, these problems will eventually fix themselves, that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be orally addressed in the story. But from a writing perspective it leaves me to wonder how do I address this when they the characters aren’t even aware of how unhealthy their relationship is? That’s not really a question for you guys too worry about though lmao.

Anyways I’ll start wrapping things up but one last thing I really liked was your opinion on MC needing more independence and growth on her own. I can’t say for sure that’s what we’ll see in this upcoming arc but it’s something I’m definitely aiming for. As someone who though likes to submit I need a sense of autonomy and identity outside of someone else, so I can appreciate your words for MC!

I genuinely think they can be what they need for one another, but it’s always going to be a work in progress because as humans no one is perfect! It all boils down to what you’re willing to deal with in a relationship and what you aren’t, that of course isn’t an excuse to not work to become a better person or the best you can be! But a natural understanding. Anyways I hope I answered to the best of my ability, I said it once and I’ll say it again, I never ever ever want to portray a relationship that isn’t purposely set up toxically.

And that’s not too say I thought for a moment I had, because I’ve clearly stated in the past that this arc was specifically aimed at their toxicity, but it was more of a moment of panic that: ‘oh shit, I can NOT let this go on in the future of the story’ because like I’ve said before tease is all about character development, it won’t make them perfect but I want them to be a THOUSAND times better at the end of the story then where they are now.

Anyways no worries hun! I just hope this clarified a little bit! MC and Jungkook’s real relationship is only now just beginning to unfold in the upcoming arc, we’re only 1/3 of the way through the story so there’s still plenty of time! Thank you for sticking with it though no matter how frustrating the characters may be! I love getting asks that keep me on my toes, it helps keep me grounded and make sure I don’t accidentally become too biased to one narrative.

Thank you so much for sending in hun! ~~

[ginmo]

I’ve been sure since I read AFFC/ADWD that Jaime’s getting one of the better endings because House Lannister isn’t gonna be wiped out and both Cersei and Tyrion are now Too Dark To Live. But I’ve seen a lot of people rewatching bring up that awful sept fuck up and consensus is that it renders him irredeemable. The show is gonna have to WORK to avoid a million thinkpieces when he gets both power and a family. I’m not convinced they’ll pull it off.

That scene was gross af, but we’ve since learned that the intent of the scene was not for it to be rape. We also know that canon Jaime is not a rapist. So if the narrative intent was for it to NOT be rape (and ended up being just a really bad fuck up from writers, director, post production) then we can’t blame the non-rapist character for the shitty product. What’s gross is they didn’t realize they filmed a rape scene, so people need to shift their blame from Jaime to the filmmakers. If people are really stuck on Jaime being a rapist even though in canon he isn’t and wasn’t even meant to be on the show, then they’re going to really hate the outcome of this story, because there won’t be anything to revisit Jaime being a rapist in the narrative (such as redemption for that) because he isn’t supposed to be. This is why most of fandom acknowledges that scene was an oops from the production and don’t use it to judge the character.

In other words, since the show was doing a direct adaptation of a consensual canon sex scene from the books, thinking their adaption was also a consensual sex scene, then the narrative itself doesn’t need to, and will not, do anything to have Jaime redeem himself for something he didn’t do, but that the filmmakers stupidly did.

My friend Koops went off on this topic a while back, so I’m going to add a read more where I quote her posts. It’s way more than you asked about, and I already answered the question, but I just really love her rant over the sex scene lol. So for those who want cast, crew, and GRRM quotes, discussion of that D&D video people love to refer to, and a total take down of basically why using that scene against Jaime is completely moronic then here it is: 

In response to this D&D video:

I don’t think this video disproves anything. The girl is calling it “rape” but they are not once owning up to it. They’re calling it “this” and insisting that’s something Jaime would do in that moment, but it feels to me like what they were trying to do is avoid getting into a debate about whether it’s rape or not, because they know that can get them into all kinds of trouble. ETA: Also, notice how David rolls his eyes towards the end and the person who captioned the video interpreted it as him rolling his eyes at the girl who asked the question. I don’t think he is at all, that was 5 minutes earlier, talk about a delayed reaction. I think he’s rolling his eyes at KIT stepping in just as David had finished answering with that stupid comment calling it rape and saying how great it is that the show has rape scenes, when David had been so careful in avoiding using that word all along in order not to get into an argument. And they’re emphasizing how hard this was for Lena and so on (despite, IIRC, her always saying it wasn’t intended as rape), just to earn feminist points of “we know how tough this is for women, look at how distraught we all were filming it”.If that had been their intention, they would have followed up on it in subsequent scenes/interactions, which is something the show does with rape scenes (see Sansa). Yet it was never mentioned again and it’s like it never happened. I think D&D sometimes have a bit of a rape-style fetish when it comes to sex scenes because it makes them come across as “edgy”. See the way they wrote the broken tower sex scene in the original pilot script or the way they changed Dany and Drogo’s wedding night. But they refuse to admit it and hide behind nonsense like “this is something the character would do”. They want to see how far they can push it, basically.Even if we want to say they’re admitting to have it intended as rape, saying this is something Jaime would do is absolutely ridiculous since not only he saved Brienne from rape but in the books he even has one of his men executed for TRYING to rape Pia. It’s nothing to do about having a linear redemption arc or not, it’s about WHAT kind of “bad things” the character does and whether it’s consistent with its characterization or not. Rape, for Jaime, is absolutely NOT. Equating that scene to Jaime pushing Bran out of a window is completely insane since the two things are dramatically different in motivation and intention and while Jaime is a complex guy that can do horrible things for his family and for Cersei, he doesn’t do them out of his own selfishness, especially when it comes to sex when he even refuses women throwing himself at him. Not to mention the entire point of Jaime’s “bad deed(s)” is that he has to own up to them and deal with them and their consequences. If you just ignore that sept scene ever happened and never deal with it again then you either think it isn’t a big deal, or it wasn’t a bad deed in the first place. Otherwise it adds absolutely nothing to the character’s arc. It’s like they think that a “complex/not good guy” engages into all sorts of “bad behaviour” just by virtue of being complex/not good, which actually does precisely what they’re claiming they don’t want to do; i.e. making a clear cut distinction between good and bad guys, since they’re equating all possible bad actions as being equal and the same and stemming from the same psychological motivations, which is ridiculous. The bottom line to me always comes to the fact that, unlike most stuff post S5, we have the scene in the books, in written format, and we KNOW it’s not meant to be rape. It’s meant to be the kind of gross, rough, angry sex those two have. To change the intention of the scene just because you feel “that’s something the character would do”, to me is not really caring about really understanding the character’s intentions in the first place, since you have source material and an author you can check with. They simply didn’t care in order to get HBO points.

And for some quotes 

I find the idea that we are meant to read into Cersei’s actions after the sept encounter in the books as indicative of a woman who experienced rape, or that George did not come out to straight up say the words “I did not write it as rape” (he would never throw D&D under the bus that way, come on) as evidence that it was indeed intended to be rape all along in the books, even more of twisting oneself into a pretzel than trying to explain away the scene in the show as not rape. Neither D&D nor George have ever shied away from calling rape out for what it is in the show or the books. Why would they suddenly tiptoe around this one particular scene? I think it’s because the issue here is much more nuanced than just filming a rape scene; it’s about the grey lines of consent and it’s about changing something from the books to make it look much worse than it originally was intended to be, for a character they know it will be regarded as very controversial/OOC, which raises all sorts of uncomfortable questions about how far D&D are willing to go for shock value. This is what GRRM has to say on the issue (bolded and underlined for emphasis):

“I think the “butterfly effect” that I have spoken of so often was at work here. In the novels, Jaime is not present at Joffrey’s death, and indeed, Cersei has been fearful that he is dead himself, that she has lost both the son and the father/ lover/ brother. And then suddenly Jaime is there before her. Maimed and changed, but Jaime nonetheless. Though the time and place is wildly inappropriate and Cersei is fearful of discovery, she is as hungry for him as he is for her.The whole dynamic is different in the show, where Jaime has been back for weeks at the least, maybe longer, and he and Cersei have been in each other’s company on numerous occasions, often quarreling.The setting is the same, but neither character is in the same place as in the books, which may be why Dan & David played the sept out differently. But that’s just my surmise; we never discussed this scene, to the best of my recollection.Also, I was writing the scene from Jaime’s POV, so the reader is inside his head, hearing his thoughts. On the TV show, the camera is necessarily external. You don’t know what anyone is thinking or feeling, just what they are saying and doing. If the show had retained some of Cersei’s dialogue from the books, it might have left a somewhat different impression — but that dialogue was very much shaped by the circumstances of the books, delivered by a woman who is seeing her lover again for the first time after a long while apart during which she feared he was dead. I am not sure it would have worked with the new timeline.”

Nothing whatsoever of what GRRM is saying above in explaining how he wrote their sept encounter even remotely hints at the fact that he intended consent to be even a question in his original work. He is not pointing out that he is writing from Jaime’s POV to build a contrast with Cersei’s, he is pointing out that he is writing from Jaime’s POV to build a contrast between the books medium and the camera medium and what each does or does not allow. And he goes further by saying that Cersei’s dialogue from the books might have helped giving a different impression of the scene: i.e. that it was NOT rape. What is happening is George trying to distance himself from D&D’s choice while at the same time being a professional and not bashing their botched adaptation of his work, by explaining why perhaps they might have decided to approach it differently from the way HE wrote the original scene and how maybe some of his material might not have fit because of the timeline.We actually have Cersei’s own POV later in the books, where she reminisces about tons of events from her close and distant past, and not once does she ever think back upon that incident in the sept in a way so as to indicate it was in any way a “traumatic” experience for her, while she does plenty of reflecting back upon her unpleasant sexual experiences with Robert, for example. Meanwhile, Cersei being disgusted with Jaime’s loss of his hand, or the way his looks are changing and his personality is changing, is very much a plot point that she comes back to over and over. “How could I have ever loved such a wretched creature?”, or getting up naked from a bathtub in front of Jaime thinking he still wants her and even taunting him with “Pining what you lost?” and then getting annoyed that Jaime pretty much tells her she’s a fool for thinking that? Hardly dynamics one has with their rapist. And also GRRM also says: 

The scene was always intended to be disturbing, but I do regret if it has disturbed people for the wrong reasons.

“It has disturbed people FOR THE WRONG REASONS”, means that he wanted that scene to cause controversy because of how damn gross it all is, them having sex next to the corpse of their incestuous son, not because there was an issue of consent. So, no. The book scene was not intended to have consent be a central point, let alone rape. Yes, something happened in the adaptation to make it come across as significantly more forced, in a way that can very rightfully be interpreted as rape, while at the same time not being intended to be rape for plot point’s sake. But, when it comes to the filming of that scene, this is what the director had to say:

Of course Lena and Nikolaj laughed every time I would say, “You grab her by the hair, and Jack is right there,” or “You come around this way and Jack is right there.“ 

Yeah. Lena was SO distraught and it was so difficult for her to film that “rape” scene. They was totally totally totally directed to play it as such, and were so serious and affected by it. Give me a break, David. And also:

The consensual part of it was that she wraps her legs around him, and she’s holding on to the table, clearly not to escape but to get some grounding in what’s going on. And also, the other thing that I think is clear before they hit the ground is she starts to make out with him. The big things to us that were so important, and that hopefully were not missed, is that before he rips her undergarment, she’s way into kissing him back. She’s kissing him aplenty.

So there’s two possibilities here: either D&D intended it as rape from the start, but didn’t give clear instructions to the director, and, in turn, Nik and Lena, so that they didn’t set out to shoot it the way D&D intended, or nobody intended it as rape but something was messed up in the editing process (apparently after this scene, they made some changes to the editing process? Not sure how reliable this info is, but maybe someone can dig it out, if they remember). Regardless, what they ended up with is a scene that has some serious, serious issues of consent, and the comments afterwards, trying to downplay the consent in favour of highlighting the context or the way Cersei did give non-verbal consent, only ended up stirring more criticism of the director and actors being rape apologists. So, it doesn’t surprise me if they’ve just given up trying to defend their original intentions, since it only made things worse (and rightfully so), in favour of trying to explain it away the way GRRM did; by trying to make up explanations that the narrative required it and it made sense to be filmed that way.So, to conclude and link everything back to the reason why we are debating this (i.e. “NCW is a misogynist for disliking Dany when Jaime is a rapist and he excuses him”), while I can totally sympathize with a show-only person who watches that scene and sees it as rape, I also think this particular scene is not something we can use in the discourse about Jaime’s character and arc, given that not only there are huge question marks about what was intended with that scene in the first place, not only it is forgotten like it never happened to the point that you could skip it and nothing would change, but we know for a fact that it was NOT what was intended in the original source material by the original author. The one who decides where the characters’ arcs are supposed to go. You cannot say “it doesn’t make sense that Jaime does X and Y in his endgame because he’s a rapist” when that endgame is being decided by someone who never wrote Jaime as a rapist in the first place. All you can say is that D&D messed up big time with that scene because it literally does not line up or fit with anything else that is going on at the time or in the past or in the future when it comes to Jaime. 

- Koops (jaimetheexplorer)

[gch1995]

Rumbelle Happy Beginnings Conversations

I’m pretty sure that I posted this on ff.net before, and it’s still on there. Even though I didn’t watch season sucks, and I never ever will because the writing for both Rumple and Belle was so atrociously OOC, I still will always have a soft spot for Rumple and Belle, which was why I wrote this fic. I don’t really blame either of the characters for doing and saying wildly OOC fucked up and stupid things in 6A because it was so obvious that Adam and Eddy were deliberately trashing what little realistic integrity remained in Rumple and Belle’s individual characterizations and relationship together by making them look as uncharacteristically unhealthy as possible in canon with 6A, so that they could make Hook/CS look better after 5A, even though that was still objectively far worse, which was what I was afraid would happen to Rumbelle after 5x11 sooner or later, no matter how little sense it made, and exactly the reason why I quit watching after 5B.

Tbh, I wish that all of 6A could burn in a fire, and I already was losing respect for the writing of the OOC characterization of canon!Belle by the end of 4B. I kind of wish the show had just ended with 3x11.

But in 6A, canon!Rumple wasn’t just framed as an OOC cartoon villain to make Hook look better like in 4A or 5B, but he was framed as a wildly OOC mad cartoon villain with Belle, his true love, so that Hook could look better. I was tired, and I didn’t need to see that shit, so I quit. Not that Belle was behaving any better towards Rumple in 6A, 4A, or 4B by needlessly pushing all of his buttons almost every step of the way, but I knew that she wouldn’t be the one getting vilified in the narrative. I knew they would still just be the “blameless misguided hero” and the “abusive purely evil villain,” even though she said that “What have we done to each other” line, even though, objectively speaking, both Rumple and Belle have victimized each other from S4-S6 in some atrocious ways that I cannot excuse, even though every other remaining main character on this show would have been in prison or executed for at least one crime in real life by that point, and even though everyone else got away with abusing magic in ways that violated consent whenever it suited them, including the formerly truly heroic characters from S1-S3 like Belle.

And don’t get me started on how ridiculously desperate, gross, and sad the lengths that Eddy was willing to go to make Rumple look horrible. Really? Magic scissors? Playing the Evil Queen to kill Zelena and to protect Belle and the Rumbaby by getting the shears in a complete 180 after being sexually assaulted by her twice first, even though he never technically cheats people in deals, though he does toy with words to imply that he’s willing to give them what they want only to screw them over by giving them something that they didn’t expect in return when they become too desperate to notice the details.

I think he meant it when he told Belle “It meant nothing” and told the EQ that she was a pawn who meant nothing, and that he played the long game” when she didn’t kill Zelena for him, which makes me think he was never really going to bang her either way. Still, seemed kind of OOC for Rumple to “play the long game” with people in deals. He’s a manipulative shady bastard, but when he makes deals with people, they’ve generally always technically been fair, though he’ll scam them with loopholes that those who deal with him are usually to odesperate to notice. I didn’t really see much of a loophole in his deal with the EQ, though. His interest in her was obviously not serious, but this was so not his m.o., which was just bizarre...Plus, while he had used his sexuality to manipulate others before in desperate situations, the shit with the EQ just seemed over the top and bizarre, unless you consider the fact that he’s been sexually assaulted before I could see him doing that then, but we never really got his POV in 6A that much in that arc, so it just felt weird, and Regina had never shown any romantic interest in him before. I think Eddy threw it in for shock value because he was a gross misogynist who hated Rumple, Belle, and Rumbelle just as much as he hated women...I know people say that there were scripts of deleted scenes where there was more of a “romance” with the Evil Queen that Rumple had in earlier seasons. However, if that were really the case, then they should have shown us evidence of said “chemistry” back in season one, and like not ever set up Rumple in a legit relationship with Regina’s back in season two in the FTL. I’m pretty sure it was revealed that he tried to break the contract that he signed with Hades for his second born child back in season five, too, so he could have babies with Cora at one point in the FTL, which was OOC, considering how most of his attention was focused on finding Bae at that point, he actually knew that Cora’s kid would cast his curse,he knew that he would have to groom them to cast for him, and for all of Rumple’s faults he’d never try to corrupt his loved ones with dark magic, so this reveal made no sense...But yeah, he was this close to being Regina’s dad! So like this “romance” was borderline incest now...It’s a “family show,” my ass!

Nonetheless, I wrote this fic when I heard that Rumple and Belle got their blanket happy ending that retconned most of the character assassinations that never fully got explained or discussed on screen in 6B or S7 to try and explain them as sympathetically and in-character of a way as possible as to why Rumple and Belle were acting so off the rails. I know I might be harder on Belle, but the worst that Rumple had done up to 6x04 was lie to Belle. Before the character assassination to prop up Hook of 6x04, 6x08, and 6x09, he’d never been controlling, cruel, scary, threatening, reckless, emotionally manipulative, or restrictive towards Belle and her safety and well-being, and that only took place over a few days when they were both being made OOC to freak out over a dream baby in the narrative. If anything, Belle had been getting away with treating Rumple in those problematic ways for nearly three months in the narrative of their present day relationship now, and only in 6A was everyone in the GA losing their shit about how “abusive” the Rumbelle relationship was because Rumple was treating Belle poorly. By the end of 6A, they were pretty much on objectively even playing fields of who had been the worst in this relationship, but Rumple was still the only one who’s crimes and problematic behavior ever got emphasized as horrible. I wonder if it was also done partly because the writers were too afraid to call out Belle on her shit, too by 5B, so they made Rumple look just as bad, if not worse by having him overreact like a wildly OOC deranged jackass.

Anyway, I’ll stop ranting now! Hope you enjoy this fanfic! I didn’t fix everything, or make sense of everything. In fact, most of this fic is self-comforting, and in character headcanons, rather than completely confirmed canon because season sucks will never make any more sense than the plot demanded it for Rumple and Belle to be written that way, but I tried, you guys...

"Rumplestiltskin walked into his pink Victorian house with Belle holding their son at his side.

"You know, I'm so proud of you, Rumple," Belle said softly, as Rumplestiltskin closed the door behind them, and they sat in the kitchen in the chairs next to each other. "But there's so much we need to talk about before we start over. Since Gideon is sleeping now, do you think we could talk here, right now?" She set Gideon down in his basket, took her husband's hands in hers to squeeze them gently.

"We can talk as long as you like, sweetheart," Rumplestiltskin said quietly, as he squeezed her hands back softly between his. Then, a flash of fear ran through him. "But you might not like everything you hear."

"Rumple," Belle said trying to clear the lump forming in her throat, lightly brushing the tears from the corners of his fearful brown eyes, her own growing suspiciously wet in the face of the pain that she had caused him by going back-and-forth to him so many times over in their relationship, "I promise that I won't leave, no matter how painful the truth may be to hear. I'm with you this time. I know that I haven't always proven that very well to you, but I mean it truly. I promise. Would it help if I asked you questions first?"

Rumplestiltskin nodded, pulling Belle into a tight embrace, and kissing the top of her head. "I'd like that," he whispered against the top of her head.

"Okay, what's the secret behind the haircut?" Belle asked hesitantly, lightly carding her fingers through her husband's shorn locks. "It's not bad, but it's not really you Rumple. In all the time I've known you, you've always kept it long. Why the sudden change?"

"I've always worn it long, even before we met, too," Rumplestiltskin said quietly, his voice trembling with tears, as he looked down at his shaky hands to avoid Belle's gaze.

"Then, why?" Belle asked a bit more forcefully, as she put a finger underneath Rumplestiltskin's chin gently to lift his face up to her level. "Please, Rumple. I promise I won't be angry with you, or feel ashamed of you. Tell me. Why did you cut it?"

"It was truly pathetic," Rumplestiltskin said, trying to hold himself back from outright sobbing, as the tears spilled over his cheeks. "It was supposed to be a cry for help. I thought you'd see it, see that I wanted to be better, and come back to me again. I said that you'd need me, but the truth is that I needed you. I didn't know how to tell you that anymore, though, and I was afraid to try."

"Oh, Rumple," Belle said gently, as she wiped the tears away from his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I should have known. I should have asked. But is that why you were with the Evil Queen? Had I truly broken you so thoroughly that you didn't want me anymore."

"No, no," Rumplestiltskin reassured Belle, gently squeezing her hands, hugging her close, and shuddering with disgust and terror at the memories of the kisses he shared with the Evil Queen, as he hung his head in shame. "That was something else entirely. It wasn't about love, companionship, desire, or a wish to move on, though."

"That wasn't how Zelena described it," Belle said a bit enviously as unbidden tears filled her blue eyes, and spilled over her cheeks.

"Belle, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Rumplestiltskin asked gently, as he brushed away her tears with the pads of his thumbs gently. "Please, tell me why you're crying? I didn't think it mattered that much to you at the time, but I promise you all I did was willingly kiss the Evil Queen twice, and led her on to believe it could be something more than what I intended to give her, so that I could get the shears, protect you and our son from her, and kill Zelena. What else exactly did Zelena tell you I did with the Evil Queen?"

"She made it sound like you two were having sex," Belle said brokenly as more tears filled her eyes, and she felt her voice breaking with sobs. "It's just that I thought I had lost you to the Evil Queen when Zelena told me that you two were together. Even if you had, I wouldn't have been truly held it against you for being involved with someone else because I had no claim on your heart at the time, but when I said I didn't care about how you two were together before, that wasn't entirely true. I-I was rather jealous, actually. If you say that you didn't lay with the Evil Queen, then I believe you. The way Zelena described it, though, made it sound like she had caught you two in the act. Were you planning to sleep with her? Did you want to? Did you enjoy what you were doing with her? I promise that I won't get angry and walk away, if you did. I loved you, I still love you, I'll always love you, and I know that I had no claim on your heart at the time. You were entitled to do as you pleased with whomever you liked at the time, but, please, I need to know. Is that darkness really what you wanted in a woman? Is that really what you craved?”

"Oh, Belle," Rumplestiltskin said with a voice full of regret as he cupped her cheeks gently, and brought her face close to his, so he could kiss her softly. "Sweetheart, no, of course not. That wasn't about love, companionship, or desire. That was about power play. I know I didn't give you much reason to trust me, I know I was being irrational, but you must know that I'll only ever love you. You're my light Belle. You and Gideon are my whole whole world. I never slept with the Evil Queen, and I was never going to be with her, even if she had killed Zelena for me first. You know how I can toy with words, so I made her believe I was willing to give her genuine affection. Do you truly think that I could ever betray our true love, betray you, and betray my own heart by sleeping with half a woman who meant nothing to me when you were still living in the same town and carrying our child? I just wanted her to give me the shears, I didn't want her to hurt you or Gideon, and I wanted Zelena dead because she could hurt me, she hurt you, she killed Bae, and she turned you against me. I know that I've given you no reason to trust me recently, but you must believe me when I tell you that the Evil Queen meant nothing to me. You, though, Belle, you mean everything to me, and I could never betray my own heart by giving it to another woman when it had belonged to you ever since that day you chipped that teacup in my castle. There truly is no reason for you to feel jealous of the Evil Queen, Belle.”

"Oh, Rumple," Belle said happily as she hugged him. Then, when she pulled back, still holding his hands in hers, she noticed how Rumplestiltskin's eyes looked suspiciously wet with unshed tears. She noticed how his lower lip seemed to tremble, and she noticed how he kept looking down, and fiddling with their intertwined hands. It was like he still was struggling to hide something from her about his whole deal with the Evil Queen that made him feel too uncomfortable to share with Belle because he thought it would make her feel ashamed of him.

"I believe you, Rumple," Belle said softly as she gently brought her hand to his cheek to comfort him by softly stroking it. "But there’s something more that happened between you and the Evil Queen that you're not telling me because you're afraid I'll be ashamed of you. The expression is written all over your face, but you don't have to worry about me leaving or getting angry, Rumple. I could never truly be ashamed of you because I love you, I know that you were scared, too, I know that you were hurt, too, and I know that I've abandoned you, judged you, and walked away from you when you've needed me most too many times now. Not anymore, not ever again. You're my husband, my true love, and my best friend. It's time I started acting like it again, so you can tell me anything, Rumple. I promise I won't think any less of you, or walk away."

"The first two times, she kissed me touched me, and invaded my personal space without asking permission..." Rumplestiltskin stammered quietly, looking down at his hands as he nervously twisted his hands together. "After what Zelena did to me by caging me, controlling me, and touching me, I-I froze up the first two times because the Evil Queen's advances reminded me of her the first two times she kissed me without my consent. I wanted to protect you and our son from the Evil Queen. She was always there, threatening mass destruction, and touching me, even after she gave me the shears. Then, I saw Zelena at Granny’s, and decided to lead the Evil Queen on in hopes of keeping you safe from her, and getting rid of Zelena. But I never intended to actually lay with her. I-I know that my decisions weren't wise, sweetheart, but I never was with the Evil Queen to hurt you. I wasn't with her because I wanted to be at all. She-she made me feel terrified by cornering me, though, and I wanted the shears…Then, I saw Zelena…How she could still be breathing, and get acceptance from everyone so easily after what she did to you, to Bae, it just makes me feel so-so angry. I don't-don't care about the fact that most of the town hates me, I don't need them. So long as I've got you and Gideon, I’m happy, but for Emma to act like Bae never mattered to her by forgiving his murderer so easily. For Zelena to use you as a pawn to hurt me…Belle, it just felt like no one ever truly cared about the ones I love. They'd let you get hurt, they'd sell you out for their own gain, they didn't care about Bae, and they didn't care about you or our son. I know I haven't proven myself much better to you, but you must know that I never meant to harm you, or our son. I only ever wanted to protect you and our son from myself, but I went about it in horrible ways and became the threat in the process, anyway."

Belle noticed that Rumplestiltskin started hyperventilating when he talked about the Evil Queen invading his personal space by kissing him, and her heart broke for him. She remembered how Zelena caged him, sexually abused him, and made him feel trapped. He was being assaulted by the Evil Queen, too. How dare that woman! But most of all, Belle felt angry with herself for never even bothering to ask Rumplestiltskin. Her true love couldn't even depend on her, and Belle hated herself for making Rumplestiltskin feel that way. How could Belle have been so blind?

Rumplestiltskin continued to look down at the ground as he tried to regain control of his breathing, and Belle gently tilted his chin, so that he would look up at her.

"Hey, shh…It's alright, Rumple, just breathe, I promise that you'll be safe from now on, so just breathe," Belle cooed softly, gently lifting his chin up, so that he could look at her, and stroking his hair to calm him in that way she knew he loved. “Just look at me, and breathe, darling."

Then, when his breathing calmed down, Belle pulled Rumplestiltskin close in a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around him, kissing his forehead, and pulling his head down to rest against her neck, so that he could weep softly against it as his shoulders shook with quiet sobs.

Belle felt her own eyes tearing up, as she felt Rumplestiltskin's quiet tears wetting her neck. If only she had pushed her husband a little more to talk to her! If only she had listened to him when he had tried to reach out to her, instead of running away! Rumplestiltskin had felt abandoned in his darkness and despair, the Evil Queen had approached him first, she had assaulted him, and she had made him feel trapped and frightened again just as Zelena had. While Belle could never excuse her husband's bad choices or his plans to use the shears by using Regina's dark half as a pawn, she was also beginning to understand why Rumplestiltskin would turn to blindly self-destructive behavior and go mad without any of her love and support when she knew that she was the only other person in Storybrooke who he could count on to listen to his suffering and understand. Yet, she had failed him when he needed her most.

"My Gods, Rumple!" Belle exclaimed sadly, her voice breaking through her own tears as he looked up at her, and she leaned her forehead against his own gently. "I'm so sorry! I should have let you just talk to me. I should have listened to you when you tried to reach out to me in the shop instead of running away. But you should have just told me that the Evil Queen made you feel scared and uncomfortable outright. I could have helped you. I would have helped you, and if worse came to worse I would have let you use the shears on our son as a last resort after he was born."

"I didn't want you to see me as weak," Rumplestiltskin said softly through his own tears as he pulled back a bit. "I didn't want you to feel ashamed of me for working with her because I felt it was the only way I could to use the shears, I felt it was the only thing that I could do to protect you and our son, and I felt it was the only way to way to kill Zelena. It wasn't love, desire, or even companionship that I had with the Evil Queen. I didn't even want that much from her. She was using me just as much as I was using her, but she wouldn't leave me alone, even after she gave me the shears. I was so afraid she would have hurt you and our child, if I didn't offer her what she wanted, and I wanted Zelena gone. But I never actually intended to sleep with the Evil Queen in the end either way. I was just trying to keep her away from you for as long as I possibly could to protect you and our son, and get rid of the woman who has been ruining my life ever since the day I was resurrected."

"Oh, Rumple!" Belle exclaimed brokenly, pulling Rumplestiltskin's head up to face her, so that he could look at her directly in the eyes, and so she could wipe away the tears with her thumbs. "I'm so sorry! I was wrong to not listen to you when you tried to reach out, and I was wrong to ever put you down as 'too weak to be good.' That was cruel of me, and I'm sorry. You're not weak. You're the most brave, loving, and selfless man I've ever met. Your capacity for good is so strong, and I'm sorry that I ever lost sight of that." "Even at your worst, you only meant to protect our son and me from the darkness," Belle said gently as she stroked Rumplestiltskin's cheek. "But you should have just told me that the Evil Queen made you feel afraid. You should have told me that she assaulted you, frightened you, and made you feel uncomfortable. If you had told me outright that the Evil Queen was assaulted you first, and had made you feel trapped and afraid, then I would have forgotten all about the plans you had with the shears. I never would have gone to Zelena for help. Instead, I would have strangled the Evil Queen's neck with my bare hands to keep you safe from her, heard you out, and helped you overcome your fears. I would have helped you find an alternative to the shears, and I would have tried to work with you to understand why our son seemed to hate you in a dream before you'd even done anything wrong."

"Well, I appreciate that my darling wife is just as feisty as ever," Rumplestiltskin chuckled softly with a smirk as he began stroking Belle's cheek gently in response to her telling him that she would have strangled the Evil Queen with her bare hands to protect him from her. Then, his tone turned into one of self-disgust, and remorse. "But Belle, I didn't give you much reason to trust me. I'm sorry, too, and sweetheart, going to Zelena for help wasn't your fault. I was behaving bizzarely, I was being insane, I overreacted in ways that were hurting you from the moment I trapped you on Hook’s ship. I had allied myself with the Evil Queen. I locked the door for a few days, and started creating that horrible bracelet in case you tried to run away as a back up plan. I threatened to speed up you your pregnancy when I caught you. Don't blame yourself for running away when you had every right -" Rumplestiltskin started to say.

"No, Rumple," Belle cut him off abruptly, putting a finger to his lips as she felt her eyes filling with tears, and she felt her voice crack with them. "I could have called you on my cellphone, and told you to open the damned door, so we could have talked! I could have made a deal with you that I wouldn’t run away if you agreed to only use the shears on our son as a last resort. I shouldn’t have gone to Zelena, but I was angry at you, I was scared, and I suppose some part of me deep down wanted to hurt you for shutting me out and kissing the Evil Queen by playing the role of the ‘blameless’ victim running away from the ‘horrid monster,’ rather than treating you as my equal. You weren’t in the right here either, but you’re notthe only one to blame for all our problems. Please, don't take all the blame when I was equally at fault for them, too, and I owe you an apology for doing and saying a lot of needlessly cruel and controlling things that hurt you, too, which go farther back than just a few days in our relationship since we reunited in Storybrooke. You've always said that you're the 'difficult one to love,' but I am, too. Yet you never gave up hope on me, even in your darkest moments. I'm so sorry, Rumple! You say that you don't always understand how I could ever love you, but how could you ever still love me?”

"Belle, how could I ever stop loving you?" Rumplestiltskin asked gently, looking at Belle with tender eyes, wrapping her in a tight embrace, and rubbing her back gently when he felt her shoulders start to shake with quiet sobs. He felt a lump grow in his throat when he felt the wetness of her tears against his neck. He’d done this to Belle. He’d hurt her first, and now she blamed herself. "You didn't do anything that I didn't start first by not being honest with you, sweetheart, so don't blame yourself for breaking me when I broke you first because I was a coward. Besides, you're the most amazing, brave, loving, selfless, and heroic-" Rumplestiltskin was cut off by Belle before he could finish.

"No, no, Rumple, stop it!" Belle sobbed by interrupting him abruptly and harshly as she put a finger to his lips to silence him, and pulled away from him as she continued to sob. "I haven't been truly brave, heroic, selfless for months now. I haven't been supportive, or loving of you for months now! Instead, I've been afraid, proud, hypocritical, childish, petty, selfish, unfair, controlling, demanding, unreasonable, unsupportive, and cruel to you so many times over in my fear to love you, even when you did really try to reach out to me for understanding with unconditional love, honesty, gentleness, patience, and support from the moment I started abusing that dagger, even when you didn't do anything that bad. So stop praising me! I don't deserve it from you anymore because you deserved so much better from me. I failed you and abandoned you when you needed me most, and I just can't bear to hear how I'm the light of your life, brave, or heroic when that hasn't been true of me for so long when it mattered the most.”

"Belle, love, it's alright," Rumplestiltskin said gently, pulling Belle close to him in a tight embrace, rubbing his hands against her back soothingly, as she continued to sob into his chest. He pulled her back slightly to look at her in the eyes, so that he could try to wipe the tears from her face with the pads of his thumbs. "I love you, I always have, and I always will, no matter what."

"But it's not alright," Belle said, sobbing as she put a gentle hand against Rumplestiltskin's cheek. "I've done horrific things to you that most people would never forgive, too, and I never even apologized to you, or took full responsibility for my bad choices from the moment I banished you. I don’t know what came over me. I'm sorry for ever using the dagger to control you. I'm sorry that I sent you to your knees before me, and used the dagger to banish you with nothing across the town line. That was wrong. I'm sorry that I refused to listen to you, or hear you out, like a petty child. I'm sorry that I refused to let you get a word in edgewise. I'm sorry that I refused to let you make a choice, or have a say in so many things that I should have treated as rightfully yours, including your own freedom, and the chance to name our son, even when you did try to reach out to me with love and honesty so many times, anyway. I'm sorry that I tried to kidnap our unborn child with Zelena's help when I should have just been considerate of the fact that she hurt you, hurt Bae, and ruined our lives so many times. She's a remorseless and wicked witch."

"I'm sorry that I ever went to Zelena for that stupid sleeping curse to try and stop the clock to give you enough time to stop Hades, then put myself under it without asking for your say on the matter first, and got us into this whole mess with Morpheus, the Black Fairy manipulating Gideon by working to turn us against each other, and our son getting kidnapped by your mother because I was too afraid to trust you," Belle continued on with tears choking her voice. "I'm sorry that I lashed out at you in the Underworld, controlled you with the dagger, gave you false hope, then rejected you again, anyway, and blamed you for the fact that I had darkened my heart to save you from Hades. I don't regret it, I never have, but I was being proud, childish, and insecure. It was my fault that everything had gone south with Hades in the Underworld because I wouldn't listen to you, and let you push Gaston into the River of Souls to save our family. I'm sorry that I was so cruel to you in the Underworld because I was afraid, afraid to let myself love you again, and then risk losing you to the darkness again, even though I saw that you were trying so hard to be more honest and open with me, giving me more love and patience than I ever deserved in return. I'm sorry, it's no excuse, but I was just scared, Rumple. The last time I had seen you with the curse, you had passed out in front of me, and the darkness had almost consumed your heart. I didn't want you to use dark magic for dark deeds, no matter how necessary they might have been, and no matter howwell-intended I know they always have been in regards to Baelfire, Gideon, and me. I didn't want to risk losing you to the darkness again. I'm so sorry Rumple. I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't want to hurt you, I never have, but in the heat of the moment, in my blind and impulsive anger, fear, and desire to do what was right and whatever this awful town deems to be truly heroic, so long as you're their enemy, I abandoned my own bravery and ignored your pain and suffering because I was so scared that I wasn't good enough for you, for my mother, for our son, and for myself. I was blindly insecure and selfish in my pain, and I unfairly took it out on you, my true love, and the only one, who's ever truly loved and respected me for being me, or ever truly considered me a hero since my mother died. That's still no excuse for how I treated you, though, especially because I know what Zelena did to hurt you by controlling you with that dagger, and I, your true love, and last true friend and ally in this godforsaken town, hurt you by treating you as someone so beneath me, too. I should have known better than to ever control you with the the dagger! I should have known better than to refuse to hear you out, or allow you to get a say in anything, like a petty child, even when you did try to reach out to me with honesty and love so many times! I'm not saying that you went about things between us the right way, either, but the way I behaved was just as bad, if not worse. I triggered your breaking point by refusing to hear you out, using the dagger to control you, and by going to Zelena to try and kidnap our child from you. It wasn't my intention to hurt you by going to her, or even because I wanted to take Gideon away from you, but I was scared. I was angry with you, and she was the only other person in Storybrooke, who could open a portal, besides you.

I lashed out at you and abandoned you without ever asking what was wrong, or trying to be patient and understanding, even when you did try to reach out to me, and I'm sorry I was wrong, Rumple, But it took everything in me not to rush to your side, and hold you to make sure you were alright when I saw Zelena hurt you. I was so shocked. Then, when the anger wore down, I started to understand why you would want her dead. She hurt you, she hurt me, and she hurt Bae. Yet, no one ever seems to remember how awful she was to you, they sided with her, and they all condemned you, including me, your true love. I'm so sorry, Rumple. I know that she's ruined your life, ruined our lives, but I was scared. I'm sorry that I just stood there, and watched as she hurt you. I'm sorry that I ever said that I was anything like her. I didn't mean any of that. I've never wanted to hurt you, but I was angry, scared, and selfish. I was scared that you had completely abandoned the light. I was scared that you believed that I wasn't dark enough for you, and I was scared that you would hurt me and our son-"

"Belle, sweetheart, I'm sorry, too. My God, I'm more sorry than I can ever tell you for ever giving you reason to fear me again," Rumplestiltskin said, cutting her off, his voice cracking as his own eyes started filling up with agonized tears, and he gently cupped her cheeks between his palms, so that he could pull her close to him and softly rest his forehead against hers. "I'm sorry that I trapped you on the pirate's ship. I'm sorry that I put that cuff on your wrist to stop you from running away. Most of all, I'm so sorry that I panicked, terrorized you, and threatened to speed up your pregnancy. I know I have no excuse for the bad choices I made, but you must know that I never intended to harm you or our child. I never meant to make you feel frightened, worthless or trapped. I just wanted to protect you both from my enemies, and myself. But, instead, I got lost in the darkness, and became the threat myself in the process, anyway. I went about it in awful ways, I was a fool, I know that now, and I'm sorry. I was scared and selfish. I didn't know how else to get through to you, but I never would have sped up your pregnancy. I never actually intended to. I just didn't want to lose you or another child, sweetheart, and I-I needed to talk to you. I wanted for you to hear me out, and I didn't know how else to get you to listen to me. I know my behavior and my plans were inexcusable, selfish, and wrong. I know that I have no excuse. I that I drove you away, but you must know that I never meant to frighten you, or hurt you, or our child. I was such a monster, Belle, I'm so sorry! I've never felt more disgusted with myself than when I realized how terrified you were of me, and I promise that it will never happen again. But how you could ever trust me again? How you could still want to be with me ever again after treating you in those ways is beyond my comprehension! If it had been anyone else in my shoes doing and saying those horrid things to you that I did and said these past few days, I would have wanted them dead on the spot, and now I’m hardly any better than Hook, Regina, or anyone else who’s hurt you in the past. I imprisoned you, I was cruel, I frightened you, and I threatened to harm you. Belle what have I done to you? I’m beyond grateful for the fact that you somehow still love me, even after everything I’ve done, and I love you more than words can express, but if I wasn’t deserving of you to begin with, you’d be completely within your rights to hate me forever now. You’d be completely within your rights to never want anything to do with me ever again.

Rumplestiltskin started crying again then. His shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. He kept swearing to never hurt Belle, yet even though he never meant to do it, somehow it kept happening, anyway. He tried to keep his face averted downwards from Belle's gaze, feeling ashamed, but she wouldn't have it.

"Shh, it's okay," Belle said, feeling her own eyes well up with tears all over again, and she pulled him close, so that she could shush him, and he could rest his face against her neck and weep. "What have we done to each other? We both were being idiots, Rumple. We've both been horrible to each other. I've done and said atrocious things to hurt you, too, and I've made you feel trapped too. I've hurt you and frightened you, too. I've acted like a monster that I didn't recongnize in the mirror with you, too. Most people would be wondering how I’m any better than Zelena, or Milah. Most people would have left me a long time ago, and never forgiven me in your shoes, too, Rumple. I'm sorry, too. I should have just talked to you when you tried to reach out to me. I'm not excusing your bad choices, either, but mine were just as bad. I'm sorry that I ever lost sight of the good in you, and I'm sorry that I ever called you 'too weak to be good.' I was wrong, Rumple. You're the strongest person I've ever met, and there's so much good in you. Your heart is just overflowing with so much true love, it always has been, and I'm sorry that I ever lost sight of that. I know that you would never intentionally harm me or our child, though, Rumple, and you’ll always let me go when I ask. That’s why I love you. That’s why your different from Hook and Regina, Rumple. I know that you'll make a perfect father to our son, and husband to me now.

Look, why don't we both call it even on having been the worst to each other at this point these past few months, and learn to forgive ourselves, too?” Belle asked ironically with a wry grin when Rumplestiltskin looked up at her with more anguished tears dripping from his eyes that she wiped away. “You weren’t the horrible villain you pretended to be, and I wasn’t the 'blameless' hero I pretended to be either. We were just two damaged people who kept trying to pretend we were okay to protect what we loved and what we believed in in the worst possible ways, but we didn't do it to be cruel on purpose. Those problems don’t have to define us, Rumple. We can start fresh now. We can learn to forgive not just each other, but ourselves. We will go and get counseling for help, and we will rebuild trust with time. This time, I will also be the best mother to our son and wife to you that I possibly can be. I promise that I won't just walk away again when things get rough. I promise you that I will be here by your side to listen to you and support you every step of the way, so long as you promise to be totally honest with me, and try your best."

"Oh, Belle, sweetheart, I love you, I love you so much, and you've given me far more love and patience than I could ever deserve, and that’s why you’ll always have my heart, even if you’ve got your flaws. That’s why there’s no comparison to you to Milah, or Cora, and you’d always give me my freedom back,” Rumplestiltskin told Belle, holding her to him like she was his lifeline as he tried to stop the silent tears from flowing down his cheeks, and he buried his face against her neck. "You always come back! I promise to be honest with you, and I want to be able to promise you that I'll always try my best. But I can't bear the prospect of ever failing you and our son again. I can't bear the idea of ever losing you again, but you know that old habits die hard for me, Belle. I'm afraid that I might mess up again. Do you still have any desire to travel the world?"

"Rumple, all I want is a life with you and our son," Belle said, as she leaned up to kiss the tears away from those beautiful warm brown eyes of his. " I'd love to travel the world with my wonderful husband and our son. Besides, don't you see? The fact that you realize your mistakes, and feel guilty over them means that you've learned from them."

"I want to believe that," Rumplestiltskin said, pulling away a bit to catch a chestnut strand of her soft hair that fell across her eyes to twirl it between his fingers. "But, Belle, sweetheart, I've been thinking for some time, and Storybrooke's not a good place for us to stay. We only ever seem to get into trouble here, and we keep making the same mistakes over and over again because this town is toxic."

"Rumplestiltskin, I couldn't agree with you more," Belle said with a smile, leaning in to kiss him again, and cupping his cheeks. "I've spent too much time in this town pretending that all of these people are my friends, and avoiding you. But I know that you're the only one in this town, who has ever truly loved and respected me for being me, rather than for what I can give you. The others only ever want me when they can use me for their own personal gain, and they often do it to hurt you. I've realized that over the past few weeks, and I'm sorry it took so long for me to real. I love you, I love you so much, and I'm with you forever. I promise. No more running back-and-forth to you this time. I promise to stay by your side, even when things get tough between us. But where would we go? Without your magic, won't your curse consume you outside of a realm with magic? I'm never going to force you to choose power over me, Rumple, but I can't lose you to the darkness again. I won't lose you to the darkness again."

"That's just the thing, Belle, I've been thinking that I've held the burden of this curse for too long," Rumplestiltskin said with a slow smile, as he squeezed her hands gently between his. "I don't ever want to hurt you again, or our son, and I feel like the temptation of magic living in Storybrooke will always be too difficult for me to escape because there will always be enemies and threats that I'll feel that I need to protect you from, but if you break my curse with true love's kiss, then we could leave Storybrooke together with Gideon in the land without magic."

"Rumple, sweetheart, are you certain about this?" Belle asked him, softly, as she cupped his cheeks in her hands, and brought his face closer to hers, so that her lips were lightly brushing against his. "You don't have to do this, if you aren't ready. I promise that this time, if you ever struggle with the curse, I'll be there to listen and help you every step of the way, so long as you keep working on being honest with me, and promise to try. I was wrong to always walk away before, and never listen, even when you did try to reach out to me. I always say to do the brave thing, and bravery will follow. But I haven't been very brave, lately."

"Oh, Belle," Rumplestiltskin said softly against her lips, as he nodded his head gently. "Yes, I'm certain, love. I want this. And even if you haven't always been perfect because you're human, you are still capable of being very brave and heroic. The most heroic and brave thing you've ever done was agree to live with an ugly man to save your people, and show him that true love and hope were still possible when he thought those things were no longer possible."

"Hey, now," Belle said disapprovingly, pulling away from him, so that she could gently stroke Rumplestiltskin’s cheek. "Rumple, don't put yourself down like that. You're brave, intelligent, caring, funny, protective, passionate, romantic, and you love more deeply and purely than anyone I've ever met." Then, she tugged him towards her gently by his tie, so that she could flirtatiously whisper against his lips, "And if you must know, I have always found my husband to be quite handsome, too. But before we do this, could I ask you to use magic for me one last time to show me something?"

"Belle, thank you. I don't deserve any of those compliments from you, but I still appreciate them," Rumplestiltskin said gratefully, as a faint blush colored his cheeks at Belle's flirtatiousness when she pulled him closer to her by his tie. Then, he reluctantly pulled away when Belle asked him to use magic for her one last time. "Of course, sweetheart. Anything that you wish for me to give you is my command. What is it that you want?"

"Could I see your heart?" Belle asked him hesitantly, as she brushed her hand against his cheek softly. "Don't worry, I promise I won't crush it."

"Belle," Rumplestiltskin said gently, as he cupped her face in his hands. "If there's anyone in the world, who I could ever trust to hold my heart in their hands it's you. But why?"

"Just trust me," Belle said softly, as she stroked his cheek with light fingers. "I want to tell you something important, and I want to be able to explain something to you that will be much easier for me to tell you with the physical weight of it in my hands."

"O-okay," Rumplestiltskin said nervously, as he thrust his hand into his chest to pull out his heart from his chest, and placed it into Belle's cupped hands.

"This is mine," Belle said, as she laid gentle kisses to Rumplestiltskin's heart that he could feel in his very soul." Just look at how beautiful it is. It's not perfect, but it's pure nonetheless."

"If I had actually gotten what I deserved, then there would be nothing left of my heart, but darkness, and I would be dead," Rumplestiltskin said self-deprecatingly.

"But I'm not a good man, Belle, and I still should have fought harder," Rumplestiltskin said with a sad sigh, as he covered his face with both of his hands. "Besides, I've done so many awful things, and I didn't lose the curse because I chose to give it up at the time. It was removed from me by force, then I took it back because I was weak, and I thought I had nothing left. Not every dark deed I've ever committed was pure and well-intended to protect the ones I love, as you think. I killed my first wife by crushing her heart because I was angry that she had abandoned Bae, and I wanted her to suffer for it at the time. I-I attempted to kill Henry, Bae's son, my grandson, just because I wanted to save my own skin. I killed Gaston by turning him into a rose, simply because I was annoyed by him, and I didn't even think much of it."

"Rumple, you-" Belle tried to reach out to comfort him, but Rumplestiltskin raised his hand to silence her.

"Please, sweetheart, let me finish," Rumplestiltskin said to her, his voice cracking with more tears, as he continued on. "Even the well-intended bad choices I've made still don't justify the means I've used. I was inconsiderate, scared, and selfish. My god, Belle, I was such a blind and heedless fool in my desire to keep you and our child safe from myself when nothing bad had even happened yet that I actually threatened to do something to you that I swore that I would never do! I was never going to actually speed up your pregnancy, I just wanted to talk to you, I was selfish, I was scared, and I didn't know how else to get through to you anymore. But I still cornered you in an elevator with the threat of it before your eyes, and terrified you! I promised myself that I would never give you reason to fear me ever again when I threw you out of my castle over thirty years ago back in the Enchanted Forest, if you ever came back to me, and I did, anyway, because I was afraid and selfish. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

"Hey, it's alright. I forgive you. I never wanted you to be perfect, Rumple," Belle said softly, as she leaned in to kiss away the tears forming in his eyes. "I'm sorry that I ever made you feel like you had to be. You've made bad choices and mistakes, but so have I. So has everyone. Besides, I know you truly regret doing most of those things. I know there's darkness in you, but there's so much true love and genuine remorse in you, too. That's what I mean when I say your heart is true, Rumple. Regina, Zelena, and Hook have never felt so much genuine guilt over their crimes, but you, Rumple, you do because you have a conscience. You would never intentionally harm the ones you truly love for your own personal gain, like Baelfire, Gideon, or me, and you feel genuine remorse for most of your crimes, whether they were well-intended or not. You'll sacrifice your own happiness and made dark decisions by taking the weight of the world on your shoulders, so that your loved ones don't have to. You've made selfish choices, but even then, there's generally also been some sense of nobility, purity, love, and selflessness mixed within most of those, too. That's what I mean when I say that your heart is true, Rumple. Besides, look at how much goodness has been sprouting in your heart since the curse was removed, and you took it back."

Rumplestiltskin examined his heart. Since the apprentice had removed the curse from Rumplestiltskin's heart and cleansed it of the darkness, and then he'd taken it back again, it had changed. It was still mostly a blinding white, he still sometimes felt empty and blank, but amidst several slivers of reemerging darkness, there were also several bright pink spots that were forming too.

"I love all of you, Rumplestiltskin, the light, the dark, and the in-between. I always have and I always will. I'm sorry that I ever lost sight of that," Belle said, as she placed several light kisses to his heart in both the light places and the dark places, and then gently held it out for him cupped in between her hands in an offer to take it back. "Now, here, take this this back, remember why your heart is worthy of love, and remember that it is mine. Before we break your curse, though, I do have to ask if Zelena will still be able to hurt your heart?"

"No, she won't have any power over me anymore, sweetheart. That deal we made for that potion which my heart from blackening further only applies, if I try to hurt her as the Dark One, but Belle, thank you. I…" Rumplestiltskin trailed off, as he squeezed her hands gently between his own. He really wanted to tell his darling Belle how much he appreciated her faith in him, how much he appreciated being given a second chance that he never felt deserving of, but the tears forming in his eyes and the lump forming in his throat at the beauty of her words were making it feel difficult to speak. He took his proffered heart from her hands, and gasped slightly, as he placed his heart back into his own chest. Then, he tried to tell her just how much her acceptance meant to him again, as he took her hands in his. "Belle, I-I…" Rumplestiltskin trailed off, as the tears started streaming down his face, and he felt his shoulders shaking with sobs, even though there was a ridiculously wide grin spreading on his face that made his cheeks start to feel sore through it all. He was so damn happy and emotional today that he just couldn't seem to get through most of it without crying.

"Shh, I know you're grateful, but it's true. Besides, you don't need to be talking for what I'm about to do next," Belle said teasingly pulling Rumplestiltskin close to her by his tie again, wiping away his tears, and melding her lips against his softly.

As soon as Rumplestiltskin felt Belle's lips meet his own, he was fervently kissing her back, licking the seam between her lips with his tongue, seeking entrance into her mouth, and she was opening her mouth to welcome him. Suddenly, he felt the warmth of magic flowing through him, and the darkness of the curse in his heart felt a bit lighter. True love's kiss was working. Belle pulled back to look at him for a bit, but then he brought his lips back to her mouth, and whispered the words "Kiss me again, it's working."

"Really? Oh, Rumple, I love you. I love you so much!" Belle said excitedly, as she leaned back in to kiss him again with happy tears filling her cerulean eyes.

Rumplestiltskin continued to kiss Belle back passionately, as he felt the rest of the curse being lifted away from his heart. Then, he stumbled a bit, as he felt his limp returning, but he didn't care. He had his true love and their child by his side. He felt happier than he had in a long time, and he actually felt hopeful.

"Are you alright, Rumple?" Belle asked, as she grabbed his arm to keep him steady, so that he wouldn't fall over, and pulled him close to hug him. "It worked! How do you feel?"

"I'm more than alright, sweetheart," Rumplestiltskin said softly, resting his head against Belle's forehead, as a wide smile spread across his face. "I feel happy. Happier than I have felt in a long time."

"Here," Belle said, leading Rumplestiltskin by the hand to sit in a chair at the kitchen table. "Sit here for a moment, while I go and fetch your cane for you from the living room. Then, we can go upstairs to put Gideon in his nursery, and go to our room to sleep together."

"Our room? Sleep together?" Rumplestiltskin asked softly. "Oh, Belle, are you sure you want me back?"

"Rumplestiltskin," Belle said, sitting down in his lap, being careful to avoid his bad leg, cupping his cheeks gently between her hands, and wrapping her hands around the back of his head to bring him close to her, so that she kiss him deeply. "We just shared true love's kiss. We've been together countless times before, and I've never regretted being with you. We have a child. Besides, I've missed my husband. I want to feel what it's like to be yours again, I I want to feel what it's like to have you inside me…Unless, that is, you don't want me…"

"Don't want you? Belle, sweetheart, I'll always want you, and I've missed being with my little wife in bed" Rumplestiltskin said, pulling her close, smiling, as he leaned in to kiss her, seeking entrance to her mouth with his tongue against her lips again.

Belle melted into Rumplestiltskin's kiss, opening her mouth to give his tongue entrance to her mouth, exploring the caverns of his mouth with her own, and getting lost in the combined sounds of their low moans of pleasure. Then, Rumplestiltskin pulled back from the kiss as Belle tilted her head to the side to expose the creamy expanse of her neck for him to kiss, and he pulled his head down to her neck, so that he could kiss her there. Rumplestiltskin wasted no time in hesitating from what his sweet wife was silently requesting of him, nipping tender kisses up the side of her neck with his teeth and tongue, and then sucking on that spot just below her earlobe that he knew drove Belle wild, long enough to leave a mark.

"Oh, Rumple! Oh, Rumple!" Belle said breathlessly, holding him close, but then she remembered that they had a newborn baby, who they still had to put in his nursery, and she pulled him back to look up at her. "That feels so wonderful, darling! I've missed my husband, and we shall continue this in our bedroom upstairs, I promise. But we should put Gideon to bed first."

As Belle went to grab his cane, Rumplestiltskin peered down at Gideon in his basket. He was breathing deeply, fast asleep, and Rumplestiltskin leaned down to kiss him softly on the forehead. He was so lucky to have his true love and his son back, and he never thought that he would get the chance.

"Here you go," Belle said, as she handed him his cane. "Now, let's go upstairs, put Gideon to bed, and then go and have some fun together."

"Sweetheart, I'd love nothing more," Rumplestiltskin said with a smile as he grabbed the basket with Gideon in it with his free hand, and he and Belle walked upstairs together.

~Finis~

[ylc1]

Fanfic master list (Mystrade & Johnlock)

Because my fic master list has gotten so ridiculously long, I’ve decided to break it by pairings. However, since I do write a lot of johnlock and mystrade, this one contains all my fics which have a fair share of both romances ;)

Enjoy!

Pointless thoughts

Mystrade & Johnlock. First work of series, 10 works in the series, 102800 words overall. Complete.

Summary: Crown Prince Mycroft knows better than to show his affection for a man beneath his station. Sherlock is not quite as lucky and when the King finds out about his friendship with John, the later is sent away to his certain death. Devastated, the younger Prince awaits for death- until he finds he has something left to fight for and Mycroft finds himself fighting to protect his brother’s secret (and later his own)

Some personal notes: Pseudo historical settings are a weakness of mine. I was very pump up to work on these series and I enjoyed every second of it. Also, writing a whole fic from Mycroft’s POV was quite the experience (the main fic runs from his POV, the rest of the works run from Greg’s, Sherlock’s and John’s)

Additional notes: Royal AU, A/B/O dynamics, Mpreg and angst. Also a ridiculous amount of pining. Warnings for some dubcon in some of the works and a bit of Sheriarty.

Unexpected

Johnlock (side Mystrade and Irene/Kate), complete, 27600 words.

Summary: After a one night stand with his best friend, John is determined not to let things change between them. Except he’s now expecting a baby and finds himself in a bit of a mess.

Some personal notes: I mean- it’s the cliché of the clichés. Very rom com, but well… I enjoyed working on it very much.

Additional notes: A/B/O dynamics, Mpreg, attempted humor, rom com, misunderstandings, unplanned pregnancy, angst.

Unforeseen

Mystrade (side Johnlock), complete, 11500 words.

Summary: Mycroft’s family is convinced he and Greg would make a wonderful couple. Greg is willing, but Mycroft refuses to see sense.

Some personal notes: belongs in series with “Unexpected”, but it can pretty much stand on its own. A continuation of sorts, although the focus is definitely Greg’s and Mycroft’s relationship.

Additional notes: A/B/O dynamics, misunderstandings, humor & angst.

Lessons in romance

Mystrade & Johnlock, 49300 words.

Summary: Sherlock might or might not be stalking the boy he likes. Mycroft has no wisdom to share with his little brother on the subject of romance and Greg is not helping at all.

Some personal notes: I got inspired to write this after listening to a song in spanish called “Rey Azul”. I’ve always wanted to write a teenlock and I adore writing the Holmes brothers as being completely oblivious on the subject of romance. Somehow, it turned angstier than I expected. My only work with over 500 kudos, which makes me ridiculously happy, obviously.

Additional notes: humor (at first), teenlock, heartbreak, jealousy, pining, bad family relationships.

Little lies and crazy plans

Mystrade & Johnlock, complete, 12300 words.

Summary: Sherlock recruits Greg’s help to seduce his brother away so he can have his boyfriend. But nothing is quite what it seems.

Some personal notes: A short silly story with a fake/pretend relationship that occurred to me because I re-read my own fic, “Long term complications of arranged marriages” and wanted to write some Johncroft with Johnlock but I couldn’t bring myself to make it angsty (again)

Additional notes: humor, alternate first meeting, fake/pretend relationship (John & Mycroft), jealousy, pining.

Bad timing

Johnlock, side Mystrade, WIP

Summary:Having run away from home after finding out his family was planning on sending him as a tribute to the Fire Lord, Sherlock somehow finds himself joining the rebellion.

Some personal notes: this one is a submission for the June’s hiatustory challenge. Also, I had been wanting to write an Avatar AU, so it seemed like the perfect chance ;)

Additional notes: alternate universe-avatar and bender’s setting, pining, jealousy, secret identity, romance.

Bad blood

Johnlock, side Mystrade, WIP (on hiatus)

Summary: Two years ago, agent Sherlock Holmes betrayed his team, leaving his former lover, agent John Watson, at death’s door.

When a new mission gets assigned to him, John wonders if he’ll be capable of doing what needs to be done.

Especially if that includes killing Sherlock Holmes

Some personal notes: I love Taylor Swift’s songs and I particularly love the video for this one, so… well.

Additional notes: sort of superpowers AU, angst, some violence, complicated relationships, not dark!Sherlock but it’s complicated, happy ending (when I get around writing it, of course)

Changing winds

Mystrade, side johnlock (very side johnlock), complete, 50900 words.

Summary: Greg’s life has taken a few unexpected turns.

One day he’s a regular prostitute, next day he’s the Prince’s newest toy, next day he has fallen in love and the next day he’s trying to prevent a murder and stop a war.

Unexpected indeed.

Some personal notes: I can’t think of a better way to describe the plot, so the summary is the actual summary on AO3 :P I’ve been wanting to write a prostitution AU for a while and the idea came to me one morning so… well. I enjoyed writing this quite a lot.

Additional notes: alternate universe- royalty, alternate universe-prostitution, angst, pining, self doubt, political conspiracies, slowish burn, power imbalance.

Echoes of the past

Mystrade, side Johnlock, complete, 39500 words.

Summary: Eight years ago Greg Lestrade left the Holmes Manor with a secret, determined not to burden his lover with it.

But life rarely goes according to plan.

Some personal notes: I mean… I have a thing for unplanned pregnancies. It’s a great source for angst, especially when you add the forbidden love factor :P

Additional notes: alternate universe, class differences, ABO dynamics, implied past mpreg, misunderstandings, past secret relationship. Warning for some dubious con, sexual harassment, abuse of authority- none between the main pairings, of course.

Fairy business

Mystrade, side Johnlock, Morlene, complete, 11900 words

Summary: Sherlock comes to the human realm looking for his brother, intending to bring him back home.

Mycroft, however, is not complying.

Some personal notes: This was on my WIPs for the longest time and I finally got around writing it ;) It’s somewhat short, but cute, I think

Additional notes: alternate universe- fairies, a little angst, Sherlock being a brat, miscommunication.

The art of love

Johnlock & Mystrade, WIP

Summary: You would think being the most highly regarded prostitutes in London would have made an expert (of sorts) on the matter of love.

Turns out, nothing farther from the truth.

Some personal notes: This little plot bunny nibbled at my ankles restlessly, so I gave in and wrote the first chapter… and of course I continued even though I have already too many WIPs to count :P Oh well.

Additional notes: alternate universe- prostitution, pining, not angsty, not dark, a little silly at parts.

Family

Johnlock & Mystrade, complete, 14100 words.

Summary: Mycroft finds out he can’t have children. Sherlock comes up with a way to help.

Some personal notes: this fic was written for the FTH 2018 auction. It wasn’t the sort of fic I’d normally write, so it was a fun experience ;)

Additional notes: alpha/beta/omega dynamics, mpreg, infertelity, a little angst, family fluff, happy ending.

And if you can, maybe Buy Me a Coffe

My other lists are here: rare pairs, johnlock, mystrade

[smhtxmhxlland]

Terrible Things

Artist: Mayday Parade

Relationship: Tom Holland X Reader

Summary: Letters and sadness. Life lesson.

Warnings: Death. Crying. 

Word Count: 2,432

Want a Song?

You smiled as you scribbled the words onto a sheet of paper. This was the third letter you’d written. The third letter to someone you hadn’t even met yet. There was a smile on your face as you dotted the period at the end. You held the sheet in front of your face and reread the entire thing. You poured your heart in soul into this. You only hoped it was enough to make up for your absence. 

Tom’s POV

I watched my son closely as he began setting up for his birthday. He was so excited to turn 16. Of course, being the cool kid that he was, he tried to hide it the best he could. I was meant to meet his girlfriend today. It scared me. He had no idea what love could do to you.

I ended up marrying my girlfriend of three years, Christie. I’d had my son Jordan before we were married. We had his sister a year and half after the wedding. We ended up naming her (Y/N) after Jordan’s mother, and the love of my life, who had passed away from Leukemia. Jordan had been born on the day of her death. She died 17 years ago today. Jordan had only been one.

My vision went blurry as I walked over to the shelf that held a box. Inside the box were a bunch of letters that she had written before she died. I remember it so clearly. She’d been so happy writing them. It had killed me knowing she was dying. It had killed me knowing she was lost.

I smiled when I picked up the tiny box. She had re-wrapped it, putting the string bow back on neatly. I pulled it open and grinned down at the ring. She had been mine for such a short time. A tear fell onto the paper wrapping and I wiped it away quickly, wrapping the wedding ring back up. It’s been so long.

I went back down the stairs. My son’s party didn’t officially start for another three hours. I knew I had to do this soon, and what better time to do it on the day of her death, his birthday, and the day I’d meet the girlfriend. Oh just perfect.

I cleared my throat. “Jordan?”

He looked up from his phone. “Yeah dad?”

I sighed, this was going to be so hard. “I need to tell you something.”

He got up and walked over to where I was sitting at the table. He looked a little nervous as he sat there. He played with his fingers a bit, looking at me expectantly.

“I have a story to tell you. Since you have a girlfriend now.”

He groaned and this made me laugh. He thought he was going to get the talk. “No, it’s okay. It’s a story. Not about the birds and the bees. Don’t worry.”

“Then what does it have to do with my girlfriend?”

I sighed again, swallowing the lump in my throat. This was so much harder than I ever imagined. Twenty years.

“Do you love this girl?” I asked him, it was a bold question and he probably didn’t, but I didn’t really know how else to start it. 

“I don’t know dad. We’ve been dating for a month.” He sounded annoyed.

I sucked in a breath, willing the emotions to go away for a second so I could tell him. “Well, listen. When I was your age, I’d give anything to fall in love truly. It was all I could ever think about. That’s when I met your mother.” I paused. 

Jordan looked at me, kind of bored with what I was saying. I didn’t blame him, it probably sounded ridiculous. He thought Christie was his mom, so why was I even telling him this? He had no idea. 

“She was the girl of my dreams. The most beautiful woman.....that I’d ever seen.” I stopped again, sucking in a breath. It’s okay.

“Dad, why are you telling me this? Why are you so upset?”

An involuntary tear fell. I didn’t answer his question, instead I continued with my story. “Her name was (Y/N). She wrote you some letters.” I smiled now, remembering her face as she held her year old son. 

“What?” Jordan looked horrified. “No, my mom is here. She’s in the house right now.”

I shook my head, looking down at the letters now. “Son, no. I promised your mother I wouldn’t tell you about her until you fell in love. Christie knows.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re lying.”

I pushed the letters towards him. “She wrote these for you.”

He looked down at them, not making any movement to reach for them. He glared at them. “It’s not true.”

Another tear fell. “It is. I’m not done with my story.”

You smiled at Tom from across the campus lawn. He was sitting there with a few of his friends. You’d been sitting under the shade of a tree reading and noticed him staring at you. Your cheeks flared under the cute boy’s gaze. Eventually you got up the nerve to go talk to him. 

You left your book on the blanket and smiled as he made eye contact with you. You put a hand on your hip, your shadow hovering over his body, and glanced at both of his friends first. Then your gaze finally landed on him.

You bent down to be at his level, looking at him directly now. “Boy, can I tell you a wonderful thing?”

He gulped, uncomfortable with how close you were and unsure of what your next words were going to be. You stood up now, your hand going back to your hip. 

“I couldn’t help but notice you were staring at me. I know I shouldn’t say this in front of all your friends.” You winked at them and they covered their mouths with their fists trying not to laugh. “but I really believe.....I can tell by your eyes that you’re in love with me.”

He was taking a sip of his water bottle now and choked at the words that came from your lips. “What?” 

“Remember Jordan, I’m only telling you this because life can do terrible things.”

I watched him as he tore into the first letter. It was a letter about how she and I had met. How she’d seen me from across our campus schoolyard. I never had the courage to go up to her. I was a drama major, there was no way a pretty girl like that would ever want me. 

I had been wrong. Oh so very wrong. She’d been the one to come over to me. To prove me wrong. To point out the obvious. My friends made fun of me for days. They’d been jealous.

You were sitting on a park bench eating ice cream with Tom by your side. He had his own cone and you sat in silence for a while. You and Tom had been dating now for three months. Life was really good. There was only a month left of school and then you and Tom could live your life free. 

You both finished your ice cream, throwing the wrappers away. Now you were walking through campus, which was basically like a giant nature park. There was a huge pond in the center with trees every few feet. 

You stopped again at a bench that overlooked the flowing river that descended into a waterfall which spilled into the man made pond. You sat down, but Tom didn’t.

“Girl, can I tell you a wonderful thing?”

You nodded at him, giddy as he stood in front of you.

“I made you a present with paper and string.” He handed you a box.

You grabbed at it, way too excited about the gift. Presents were your favorite thing in the world, and Tom was the best at giving them. He knew you so well. Almost better than you knew yourself.

“Open with care, I’m asking you....please,” He gulped, kneeling down in front of you as you carefully tore open the brown wrapping. “You know that I love you, will you marry me?”

You squealed and opened the box, revealing a diamond ring. You almost screamed, but contained it and wrapped your arms around him. He almost fell backwards at your excitement and you both started laughing. 

You planted your lips on his and could taste the saltiness of your own tears as they flowed down your cheeks. This was the best day of your life. 

“Dad, why are you telling me this. You could’ve stopped at the first letter. I can read these on my own.” He was scared because I was crying. He never saw me cry.

“I’m telling you this because life can do terrible things. I’m warning you. You’ll learn, one day, but I hope and I pray that God shows you differently.”

He began to open the next letter. The one of how I asked her to marry me and the wedding and how happy we were. Another tear slid down my cheek. I had a box of tissues next to me at the table at this point. My heart hurt. It always hurt, and Christie understood. She loved me, but I had a different kind of love for her. She was my rock. I missed (Y/N).

You were on the phone with Tom. You had just arrived home after your trip to the hospital. You’d felt weak lately and were bruising a lot easier than normal. There were so many bruises. You had lightly kicked yourself on the way to class one day and a dark bruise had appeared in its place. That hadn’t ever happened before. 

It wasn’t good news.

“Hi!” His cheery voice made you choke up, tears threatening to spill over. 

“Boy, can I tell you a terrible thing? Can we meet somewhere?”

“Oh yeah, sure. Where should we meet?” He sounded worried now and you could only picture the frown lines on his face. You hated it. It killed you.

“The park?”

“Of course.”

You both arrived at the park the same time. You motioned for him to follow you and led him to a spot under your favorite tree. The tree where you had first saw him. The tree where it had all started. The tree where everything ended.

“It seems that I’m sick and I’ve only got weeks.”

He stared at you, unblinkingly. There was no emotion on his face at first, until you saw tears swimming around in his eyes.

“Please, don’t be sad now,” You grinned at him, tears threatening to spill from your own eyes. “I really believe, you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

He fell to the ground on his knees and you saw his body shake. Your bottom lip began to tremble at his state and you hugged yourself. You were shaking, trying to keep the tears from running down your cheeks, but you heard him sob and it pushed you over the edge. 

You were both crying there under the tree, hearts breaking, and hope disappearing. You both knew it was the end. You both knew what was going to happen.

My son was crying now. Tears were falling onto the already tear stained paper. His eyes moved as they read down the lines. The scribbles of your deceased wife’s words. The loving letters she wrote to the son she knew for only a year. The son that would never know how adored he was by her. The son who would grow up without her.

He ripped through the last letter. The one that read how she told me and how we’d been torn apart. The one that had her final wish on it. The one that told him to fall in love deeply. The one that told him to not listen to what I was about to say to him. I never read the letters until after I told him. I didn’t read them until after he was finished. So I told him the only thing I knew to keep him safe.

“Don’t fall in love Jordan. There’s just too much to lose. If you’re given the choice, then I beg you to choose. If she comes up to you with that smile and those eyes, walk away and don’t let her get you. I can’t bear the same thing to happen to you.”

He looked at me, water pouring from his eyes. He slid you the letter and you read it. The very bottom, her signature and a P.S note.

“Life can do terrible things, and he’s telling you this because he knows, but promise me you won’t listen to him. Fall in love with all your heart and don’t let her go. Don’t ever let her go.”

You held his hand as he slept next to your hospital bed. His face was blotchy from crying with you. They had stopped treatment the other week and were only waiting for you to pass silently in your sleep now.

You could feel it. You tapped Tom’s shoulder.

“Tom,” You whispered a smile on your face.

He woke up, forgetting where he was, but then made eye contact with you and immediately smiled. 

“You alright?” 

You smiled at him and patted his hand. Reaching over to the table you grabbed the last bit of paper you had and the pen. You began writing down the last thing you wanted him to read. Told your son to give it to his father as soon as he was done reading it. With a final period, you folded the paper up and put it in the envelope.

You looked at your husband now. He was staring at you with pain filled eyes. 

“It’s going to be okay.” You whispered, wiping away a tear that had fallen down his chin. “You will love again.”

He shook his head. “I love you too much.”

You smiled sadly at him and kissed him one last time. “I love you too much to. I’m so sorry.”

You felt so tired. You eventually felt yourself dosing off. He kissed you again before your eyes closed and that was the last thing you remember ever feeling. There was no pain.

For me, though, there was nothing but pain. Since the day she died, my heart ached for her. I wanted her to come back. I loved her so much.

“Son, I’m telling you this, because life can do terrible things.”

[allyinthekeyofx]

Fading Light - Part 1 - 1/6

Summary - Scully’s cancer returns and hope comes at a high price.

This is sort of AU but is set in season seven. There are references to season seven episodes but ‘All Things’ hasn’t happened.  We switch between Scully POV and Mulder POV throughout the whole fic.

I will post a chapter every day without fail.

PART ONE

Prologue

My Father once told me that secrets are like old wounds. That no matter how skilfully we hide the scars, they are still there, lingering beneath the surface. Invisible to the eye, but all too obvious if we take the time to really feel them. There are no good secrets. Even the ones we hide in our hearts to protect the people we love will eventually find a way to push themselves up through the layers of deception.

I've discovered that we can never hope to protect through lies and after all, isn't a secret just another name for a lie?

Semantics

Mulder would laugh if he could hear me now. Arguing with myself as I lay, eyes wide open, staring up at the patterns made by the street lamps refracted through the rain that streams down my window.

I'm not sure what time it is. I don't seem to sleep much, which is strange, because all I want to do at this moment is close my eyes and sink down into its welcoming arms.

To escape from the accusatory voices in my head for a short while would be wonderful, but I just can't seem to relax enough. If I'm honest with myself though, I'm well aware of the reason for my insomnia.

It is guilt; pure and simple.

I have a secret, and no matter how often I tell myself that I am keeping it from him to protect him, I still feel its presence every minute of every day. I keep it hidden because in doing so I am attempting to shield him from a truth he is ready to neither hear nor accept.

Every day I keep the truth from him is another day spent tiptoeing around him, so afraid that he will look into my eyes and see my lies. It was easy in the beginning.

Mulder was still shattered over the death of his Mother and I was there for him as he fell apart piece by harrowing piece, supporting him as he has supported me throughout our partnership. I watched over him like the proverbial mother hen as his quest threatened to take him over the edge, ready to drag him back should the need have arisen.

For once he didn't need me to catch him and as each day passed he learned more facts behind his sister's disappearance and finally, finally I was rewarded when he came back to me. Not entirely at peace sure - we have seen and experienced too much for that ever to happen - but I saw the stress literally roll off him as, in his own words, he was set free.

How can I take that sense of peace away from him now?

I have remained silent, promising myself, as I promise myself now, that tomorrow I will tell him, just as I have made the same promise on so many nights past.

Promises to myself I know I won’t keep.

Chapter One

Mulder is not in the sweetest of moods. He tries his best to hide it, but it was obvious from the moment he arrived flustered and dishevelled at my door this morning.

I'm not sure exactly why we started this whole car pool thing. It certainly wasn't out of any sense of wanting to save the planet, it just kind of happened.

I had offered Mulder a ride home one night when he was without his car - I can't remember why he was without it - and he decided it was only right and proper to return the favour. It seems to have set a pattern now that neither of us is willing to break, and it's strange really, but I kind of enjoy it. I like the fact that his face is the first one that greets me every morning.

Usually I like it that is.

But on days like today, when he is edgy and tense, I wish to hell I could just make him stop the damn car so I can escape out in to the clogged Washington streets and hail a cab. We have hardly spoken during the ride in, just the barest early morning pleasantries. No small talk, no innuendo, no teasing glances. In fact, so far all Mulder has given me is the charming view of his set profile as he keeps his eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead.

We are running late for the office, which is never a good thing, especially not today. Today is the second Wednesday in the month. Second Wednesdays mean inter-departmental meetings. Which in turn usually mean bureaucratic scrutiny of our recently submitted expense reports. I hate the meetings almost as much as Mulder does. The difference being, that I don't tend to show it quite as blatantly. But at least we no longer have to suffer the dubious pleasure of AD Kersch as we attempt to justify flying halfway across the country on nothing more substantial than some redneck's sighting of lights in his cow field. Skinner is no less forgiving when we balls things up, but he’s more used to it and therefore more accepting of it.

Mulder mutters something under his breath as the car in front slows down to a virtual crawl. I don't bother trying to figure out what it was. The very fact that we are attempting to negotiate rush hour traffic pretty much tells me that whatever it was, it wasn't pleasant and certainly has no need for a response from me. So instead, I just lean my head against the seat rest and close my eyes against the headache that is beginning to pulse at the centre of my forehead.

I think that the headaches were the first clear sign that something wasn't right, although for a couple of weeks I was able to pretty much deny their existence. Self-denial is a powerful force, a bit like encasing a broken ankle in a plaster cast. The pain is gone, pushed in to the background, and it's almost impossible to imagine that the broken bone ever happened at all. Until of course you walk on it at the wrong angle and the pain is back to remind you to take more care.

That's how it was with me. Only my versions of the plaster cast were non-prescription pain pills. Until they weren't enough, even when foolishly, I was taking well over the required dosage.

And then came the day when I couldn't deny it any longer. I remember it vividly. A Saturday spent shopping with my Mother I was in so much pain I could hardly stand. She noticed of course and I remember making vague assurances that I was fine, made my excuses and headed for home. I made it through the door, watched as the room began to spin in that endearing way I had come to recognize from scant years back in the early manifestations of the disease, and woke up three hours later on the floor, still clutching my house keys in my hand.

I wish now with all my heart that I had answered the basic need that pounded incessantly in my head.

Call Mulder.

Instead I had called Dr Zuckerman.

Every day since then, I have been trying to find the right words, the right moment, to broach the subject with Mulder, and right along with it, I have found a thousand excuses as to why now isn't the right time.

Of course I realize that the right time is never going to happen, and that the longer I keep putting it off, the harder it's going to get.

Especially since I have already decided that this time, treatment to prolong the inevitable is not an option for me and whilst I don’t profess to really know or understand exactly what my ‘cure’ entailed the last time around, I am smart enough to realise that its mechanism would never be found written on a treatment protocol. So I have opted to do nothing. To wait out the inevitable. I will continue to work for as long as I can. Until I’m once again incapable. But for how long I can keep up the pretence is anyone’s guess.

Not to mention the fact that Mulder is neither stupid nor blind. Eventually he will figure this thing out for himself, and deep down, I can't help wondering if he already suspects something. A paranoid little voice is whispering that I am the reason for his dark mood this morning. Which when I think about it is ridiculous.

Oh yeah. Guilt really sucks.

Suddenly, I am catapulted from my musings and transported violently back in to the here and now as Mulder curses loudly, swerving the car savagely to the left even before the word is fully formed on his lips.

"FUCK!"

I'm not entirely sure what he has seen to provoke such a reaction. Mulder rarely, if ever curses aloud. And then I hear it. A sound I have become so attuned to over the years I could recognize it in my sleep.

The sound of gunfire. Close by.

My senses hone in on the sound, and beside me Mulder is already moving, unbuckling his Seat belt and reaching for the door handle in one fluid movement. Even as I automatically follow his lead I am still searching for answers as to why exactly we have come to a halt in the middle of rush hour traffic. But, like pieces of a jigsaw the answers fall together as I finally see what he sees.

My years on the job have taught me to assimilate information pretty quickly. Headache or not, this is no exception. In the space of a heartbeat my consciousness has thrown several words at me.

Bank. Alarms. Guns. Robbery

Great. Just another fun day in the lives of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, where even a ride to work has the capacity to become a fucked up nightmare.

The shoes I chose to wear today are definitely not made for pounding the pavement. More blisters for me tonight.

Mulder of course doesn't have quite the same fashion impairment and even before I have fully cleared the car door he has taken off like a track star, waving his gun around and cutting a swath through the early morning streets like Moses parting the Red Sea. He can move pretty fast for a guy approaching forty, and, whilst I am not exactly a slug myself, an extra six inches of leg length makes all the difference and I find myself trailing further and further behind.

As I run, I can hear Mulder shouting something, but the wind is against me and his words are lost in the slipstream making them almost unintelligible. Instead, I concentrate on keeping him in sight. The perp is somewhere ahead and by the pace Mulder is keeping, seems to have no intention of giving up the fight easily.

I'm not sure what happens next.

A deafening sound that threatens to split my now pounding head in two; Mulders horrified shout.

"SCULLY!"

A blow that stops me in my tracks and slams me to the ground.

It's funny actually, because even as I am aware of falling, I don't feel anything other than a faint buzzing in my head as the pavement rushes up to meet me. No pain, no fear and certainly no understanding as to what has just happened.

But through the white noise that surrounds me, I hear another gunshot. And then another.

The sound seems to act as a catalyst for my own awareness and the dreamlike quality I had wallowed in for maybe a couple of seconds is replaced by a burning hot pain that seems to radiate through my whole body.

Shit. This really hurts.

I am reminded of the time when I fell out of the tree house that my brother Bill had spent the summer building with his cronies. I had been mercilessly chased away every time I dared show my face. A seven year old younger sister - a girl - had not been welcome in that den of pre-pubescent masculinity.

So, tomboy that I was, I had snuck over there one night and undertaken the precarious climb through the twisted boughs to reach what was forbidden to me; I'd made it up ok -getting down though had been a different undertaking all together and trees tend not to be very forgiving to seven year olds who don't have the sense to realize when they are way out of their depth. I nursed a broken wrist for the rest of the summer, and it had taken years for me to forget the white hot pain I felt as that fragile bone snapped cleanly.. But, with typical childhood resilience I had forgotten.

Until now that is.

Flesh wounds hurt. Gunshot wounds hurt. Damaged bones hurt like a bitch.

I'm unsure as to how much time has elapsed since I first heard Mulder shout out my name although I suspect it is no more than a few seconds at most.

Mulder

Shit, where is he?

Three shots Dana.

Count em.

Three.

Oh Fuck.

My eyes snap open, which in itself is futile really because I can't seem to focus on anything other than the pavement which is tilting at an impossible angle before me. I can just make out a collection of coloured blobs in the near distance and although they are fuzzy around the edges I am able to recognize them as being human. From their size and shape I am also able to determine that they are crouched down, hugging the ground as thought their lives depend on it.

But my only thought right now is for Mulders well being. Nothing else matters to me and not for the first time I am aware that what I feel for him goes way beyond the accepted boundaries of our friendship, because, had it been anyone other than Mulder, I would just close my eyes and allow myself some respite from the terrible pain that now overwhelms me.

But sometimes, even the purest love cannot conquer the frailties of the human body. As I shift my weight fractionally to the right in order to release the arm that is trapped beneath me, I am engulfed in a wave of agony so intense that despite myself I close my eyes and scream. Maybe I screamed out his name. I don't know. But it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters except the sudden feeling of Mulder's hands on my face, smoothing away the hair that is plastered against my cheeks. And I hear his voice from far away. He is frightened. I have frightened him.

Just like he's frightened me in the past.

So much fear for two people to bear in a lifetime.

"Sssshhhhhhh Scully, It's ok....don't try to move...it's gonna be ok. Ssssshhhhhhh."

Slowly the pain diminishes a fraction and I am able to open my eyes again. Maybe a little of the initial shock has subsided, or perhaps a gnawing desperation that needs me to know he's ok, allows me to finally focus enough to look deep in to his eyes.

Mulder has beautiful eyes, the most expressive eyes I have ever seen in my life. I could easily lose myself in their depths, which is why I don't allow myself to stare in to them too often. Right now he is fighting tears and not making a very fine job of it. I know how he feels. I've been there too. I've watched him hurting far more times than I care to remember and each and every time I have found myself crying real tears for him when he has been unable to shed his own.

Just like he is crying for me now.

Despite the pain, I am able to shakily reach up a hand that feels like a dead weight and catch that first tear as it escapes its confines. Watching as it traces a crystalline trail down my finger. I want to speak, to let him know I'm fine, but just that small movement has left me as weak as a day old kitten snatched from its Mother and I just want to close my eyes and sleep. Instead, I fix my gaze on his; attempting to communicate to him through sight what I am unable to do with speech.

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you Mulder. And now it's too late.

He is going to find out.

My secret is no longer going to be mine alone and I need to hang on to consciousness for as long as I can, because, I know that if I close my eyes now, the next time I open them, everything will have changed.

Continued chapter 2