#beesentry

[bumxxbee]

There are days when I just feel empty. Everything is doing okay. Life is doing great, and relationships are awesome and stable, but I feel empty sometimes. I wanna do something or I don't-- I really can't decide. It's irritating. All I wanna do is try to understand what it is I want so as to get rid of the emptiness. But I realize, maybe we're all just empty. We try to go on with our lives; with our jobs, schools, relationships, hobbies, wants, likes, dislikes, and all. But deep down inside, I think we all just have that empty space that will never get filled no matter what. Not with love. Not with pain. Not with laughter. Not with a career. Not with success. Not with anything.

Maybe that's why sometimes we just get quiet. Maybe that's why we can never truly be content because we will always have that space to fill. And we're all out here trying to find something to help pacify it.

I wanna believe that maybe we could find something to fill it, but there's this heavy thought in my mind that.. what if...

What if we never do?

[bumxxbee]

Life's been screwing me over and over again. And I don't even know how to make it better anymore. Giving up sounds so much easier lately.

[bumxxbee]

It's gut-wrenching really; how a person could be smiling and laughing in front of you but you have no idea how much tears they've shed behind you.

[bumxxbee]

Do It For Them

They have this saying, "Be the adult you needed when you were a child," and I kept replaying that over and over. Thinking about the little girl who would spend her days daydreaming of who I would become. Maybe even who I am today. I remember her having so much hopes and dreams; living in an apartment in the city, having a fun and healthy lifestyle that was filled with love, laughter, sometimes some sadness, sometimes with anger. But it would be a life that I could call my own. The main thing she thought of was I became the woman I needed when I was a little girl. Someone who was filled with love, kindness, strength, and wisdom despite of the world's cruelty. Someone who would choose herself. Someone who would put on a brave face in front of a crowd regardless of her scars, and would heal them behind closed doors. Just.. someone she could look up to.

I find myself looking back to that little girl. More importantly on days that seem so slow, on days that I wish that would end quicker or entirely. I think about her innocent and sweet heart; her sparkling, big eyes filled with hopes and dreams for me.. and it reminds me of my purpose. That I am not just doing this for me now, I am doing this for her as well. I would think that how could I give up.. on her? How could I break her little heart? The little one that believed in me..

She gives me strength. And I will owe it all to her. I do owe it to her. I could not, for the life in me, have the heart to let her down. And someday, I will make her proud. Fulfilled even.

So that quote was right; do it for the child in you that believed in you when no one else did. The child in you that needed the adult you are and will be now. The child that still lives in you, waiting that you will become the person they have hoped you will be.

[bumxxbee]

Show Up For Yourself

I’ve always valued independence. As humans, we naturally depend on those close to us, even if it’s just someone we’ve briefly interacted with. The saying ‘no man is an island’ holds true — we can’t stand alone. Yet, there are times when the weight of constant dependence feels overwhelming, and I find myself yearning for a way to break free from it.

Wishing there was some way to do so.

Growing up, I naturally relied on the adults around me – a typical aspect of childhood when the world beyond your home is still a mystery. However, the individuals I chose to look up to or depend on consistently let me down. Despite my efforts to be more understanding and patient, promises were made only to be taken back. I used to think, 'Give them some slack, right?' But over time, I realized that this mindset led me to become overly accommodating, with no boundaries. I forgave and dismissed, offering excuses like forgetfulness or busyness. I didn't mind it at first, until it became a recurring pattern, and my feelings were consistently overlooked. It was a heartbreaking realization, one that happened repeatedly.

I keep hoping that one day someone would show up for me. And as my disappointment grew, so did the walls I had relecntantly built. That's when I realized, why do I bother? Why do I allow myself these disappointments? These heartbreaks? When I could do it for myself. I can show up for myself. You can show up for yourself. Take yourself on dates, maybe go exploring new hobbies and activities. Create boundaries, respect yourself to walk away when you know someone is not matching your energy. Create a healthy lifestyle for yourself. Comfort yourself, doing the things you love. You can rely on yourself to never do what was done to you, you could choose not to do the same to the people you will meet in the future. You could break the cycle. It wouldn’t reach everyone, but it would reach someone. And that alone can make a difference. Show up for yourself. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Because at the end of the day, who will? Who can you truly rely on to never disappoint you?

If you have an answer to that question, then I envy you. But if you don’t, then maybe it’s time you look at yourself in the mirror and be the person you needed when nobody else was there.

[bumxxbee]

I could scream all I want but no one would hear it still.

[bumxxbee]

I wish I could walk up to the people I love and just tell them how heavy it all is.. but I don't wanna bother anyone and so I cry alone.

[bumxxbee]

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a crowded room and yet I still feel alone. It's like nobody could hear the loud screams taking over my ears or the heavy crumbling of my heart.

[bumxxbee]

When my mind is loud, I go silent.

[bumxxbee]

There are days when I don't feel like getting up from my bed or leaving the comfort of my house. Sometimes I don't even wish to talk to anyone. My head gets loud and my ears get stuffed, my heart gets heavy and my body feels numb-- nothing seems to feel right nor make sense at all. So even if I have loaded with tasks from my everyday life, whether it would be school or work, I allow myself to take a pause. It is a couple of hours or maybe an entire day to just breathe; take a little break, a pause as I have mentioned, to just let my entire being rest. Because it is more important I recharge then continue to push myself to finish things for other people's time other than my own.

If you ever felt the same, I am here to tell you it's okay. It's okay to take a break. In fact, I encourage it. Put yourself first before anyone else. At the end of the day, you got to have your own back and care for yourself first.