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[bumxxbee]

Do It For Them

They have this saying, "Be the adult you needed when you were a child," and I kept replaying that over and over. Thinking about the little girl who would spend her days daydreaming of who I would become. Maybe even who I am today. I remember her having so much hopes and dreams; living in an apartment in the city, having a fun and healthy lifestyle that was filled with love, laughter, sometimes some sadness, sometimes with anger. But it would be a life that I could call my own. The main thing she thought of was I became the woman I needed when I was a little girl. Someone who was filled with love, kindness, strength, and wisdom despite of the world's cruelty. Someone who would choose herself. Someone who would put on a brave face in front of a crowd regardless of her scars, and would heal them behind closed doors. Just.. someone she could look up to.

I find myself looking back to that little girl. More importantly on days that seem so slow, on days that I wish that would end quicker or entirely. I think about her innocent and sweet heart; her sparkling, big eyes filled with hopes and dreams for me.. and it reminds me of my purpose. That I am not just doing this for me now, I am doing this for her as well. I would think that how could I give up.. on her? How could I break her little heart? The little one that believed in me..

She gives me strength. And I will owe it all to her. I do owe it to her. I could not, for the life in me, have the heart to let her down. And someday, I will make her proud. Fulfilled even.

So that quote was right; do it for the child in you that believed in you when no one else did. The child in you that needed the adult you are and will be now. The child that still lives in you, waiting that you will become the person they have hoped you will be.

[bumxxbee]

Show Up For Yourself

I’ve always valued independence. As humans, we naturally depend on those close to us, even if it’s just someone we’ve briefly interacted with. The saying ‘no man is an island’ holds true — we can’t stand alone. Yet, there are times when the weight of constant dependence feels overwhelming, and I find myself yearning for a way to break free from it.

Wishing there was some way to do so.

Growing up, I naturally relied on the adults around me – a typical aspect of childhood when the world beyond your home is still a mystery. However, the individuals I chose to look up to or depend on consistently let me down. Despite my efforts to be more understanding and patient, promises were made only to be taken back. I used to think, 'Give them some slack, right?' But over time, I realized that this mindset led me to become overly accommodating, with no boundaries. I forgave and dismissed, offering excuses like forgetfulness or busyness. I didn't mind it at first, until it became a recurring pattern, and my feelings were consistently overlooked. It was a heartbreaking realization, one that happened repeatedly.

I keep hoping that one day someone would show up for me. And as my disappointment grew, so did the walls I had relecntantly built. That's when I realized, why do I bother? Why do I allow myself these disappointments? These heartbreaks? When I could do it for myself. I can show up for myself. You can show up for yourself. Take yourself on dates, maybe go exploring new hobbies and activities. Create boundaries, respect yourself to walk away when you know someone is not matching your energy. Create a healthy lifestyle for yourself. Comfort yourself, doing the things you love. You can rely on yourself to never do what was done to you, you could choose not to do the same to the people you will meet in the future. You could break the cycle. It wouldn’t reach everyone, but it would reach someone. And that alone can make a difference. Show up for yourself. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Because at the end of the day, who will? Who can you truly rely on to never disappoint you?

If you have an answer to that question, then I envy you. But if you don’t, then maybe it’s time you look at yourself in the mirror and be the person you needed when nobody else was there.

[bumxxbee]

Choose You

When you love, I hope you never forget who you are. I hope you still allow yourself some time to do things that bring you joy; maybe it's reading as you are cuddled in your bed, maybe it's taking long walks in the park alone, maybe it's taking yourself out to dinner. It doesn't matter so long as you still do the things you did before you became a 'we'. So that when you are left with nothing— when that person chooses to walk away from you— you will still be able to stand again. You won't be lost, confused on who you are because the only 'you' you knew was the you that was with that person.

I'm not saying it won't hurt, because I know it will. They will still leave some gaps in your life despite holding onto yourself. But if it does happen, I hope you heal from the pain. I hope you fill that gap until someone comes along and does it for you. I hope that you will have the strength to move forward. Even if it means being alone. And lastly, I hope that at the end of the day, you can still find comfort in the ‘you’ you have chosen to be. The one that cares for you, loves you, and cherishes you even when the rest of the world has fucked you up.

[bumxxbee]

I'm back. I don't know if I call it a win if I survived through life lately, but I call it a win if you do. So congrats for getting through your hurdles. I'm proud of you.  ♡

Also, for my followers that are still there or for anyone who can read anything I post here, I'd love to know your thoughts on what I write. Is it too sad? Should I liven it up a bit? The comment section is open for you.

Thanks. Lots of love,

Bee xx

[bumxxbee]

There are days when I just feel empty. Everything is doing okay. Life is doing great, and relationships are awesome and stable, but I feel empty sometimes. I wanna do something or I don't-- I really can't decide. It's irritating. All I wanna do is try to understand what it is I want so as to get rid of the emptiness. But I realize, maybe we're all just empty. We try to go on with our lives; with our jobs, schools, relationships, hobbies, wants, likes, dislikes, and all. But deep down inside, I think we all just have that empty space that will never get filled no matter what. Not with love. Not with pain. Not with laughter. Not with a career. Not with success. Not with anything.

Maybe that's why sometimes we just get quiet. Maybe that's why we can never truly be content because we will always have that space to fill. And we're all out here trying to find something to help pacify it.

I wanna believe that maybe we could find something to fill it, but there's this heavy thought in my mind that.. what if...

What if we never do?

[bumxxbee]

It's gut-wrenching really; how a person could be smiling and laughing in front of you but you have no idea how much tears they've shed behind you.

[bumxxbee]

I could scream all I want but no one would hear it still.

[bumxxbee]

I wish I could walk up to the people I love and just tell them how heavy it all is.. but I don't wanna bother anyone and so I cry alone.

[bumxxbee]

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a crowded room and yet I still feel alone. It's like nobody could hear the loud screams taking over my ears or the heavy crumbling of my heart.

[bumxxbee]

When my mind is loud, I go silent.

[bumxxbee]

There are days when I don't feel like getting up from my bed or leaving the comfort of my house. Sometimes I don't even wish to talk to anyone. My head gets loud and my ears get stuffed, my heart gets heavy and my body feels numb-- nothing seems to feel right nor make sense at all. So even if I have loaded with tasks from my everyday life, whether it would be school or work, I allow myself to take a pause. It is a couple of hours or maybe an entire day to just breathe; take a little break, a pause as I have mentioned, to just let my entire being rest. Because it is more important I recharge then continue to push myself to finish things for other people's time other than my own.

If you ever felt the same, I am here to tell you it's okay. It's okay to take a break. In fact, I encourage it. Put yourself first before anyone else. At the end of the day, you got to have your own back and care for yourself first.

[bumxxbee]

Love

How do you know love to be? Is it just like the ones we watch on TV? Is it just like the movies where the guy catches a glimpse of the most beautiful girl in a crowded room and just know.. know that this is it; she is the one. Is it truly how that works? Is that truly love?

Because this is how I know love.

It's the loud and obnoxious laughter of his as he tries to put a smile on me; joking around like little kids. It's the breathtaking glint in his chocolate brown orbs as he stared me down with all the adoration and love he could muster in his beating heart. It's the encouraging words he whispers in my ear when the tears won't stop. It's the care and the softness in them even when we disagree or annoy the hell out of each other. It's the warmth of his presence alone... it's him. It's him in his plain old shirts and shorts; it's him with his hair gelled back to perfection and his ravishing cologne that could always make me weak in the knees. It's him. It's him in every sense of the word---

But it's also me. It's me waking up every morning and pushing through. It's me working out to better myself. It's me smiling myself in the mirror regardless of the messy hair and stinky morning breath. It's me being aware of all my flaws and yet loving them because that's what builds me.

You see I never thought I deserved the kind of love I had grown up watching on screen. The kind of love that makes the whole world stop because two souls finally found their better halves. Completing them. I never believed the idea of it all. It's all just a fairy tale. But hypocritically of me for wanting still to have some sort of love like that. However as he got off his clean white car and smiled my way, holding a bouquet of flowers written with my name on it, and his heart on his sleeves for me to take.. I knew I didn't need some sort of happily-ever-after. I needed a reality check. A love that was genuine. One that will stood the test of time.. one that won't turn its back on me when the whole world already has. One that will assure me that everything will be alright, just take my hand and let me show you. One that built a home for me to shelter in.

One that includes him and myself... whether it means separately or together.

ctto of the picture.

[bumxxbee]

Past traumas is difficult to surpass especially if you were so used to mistreatment. Your mind won't stop overthinking if they would do the same thing or think the same thing about you. Let's face it, nobody wants to be left for all the things that makes us.. us. It's painful. It makes us think there's literally something wrong with us. But really, there isn't; it's in the person handling you or with you.

For instance, I never thought anyone could ever withstand my attitude but also adores it sometimes. It's not like it's a bad thing about me. It's just who I am.

[bumxxbee]

Never thought I'd miss running around doing all sorts of things just to get tasks done. I finally got a moment where I could just sit down and look out the window, and do nothing. To tell you the truth, it makes me a bit jumpy. It's like I'm not used to having free time anymore and I feel like it's wrong on so many levels. I guess this is when I know I need it the most--- or is this what they call adulthood?

[bumxxbee]

Life, and It's Ups and Downs

You know when you get on a rollercoaster and things are running smoothly until you start to climb up. You could see everything from the top; the wind blowing your hair and the beautiful scenery before you. It brings you serenity, watching things from that advantage point. However, you suddenly reach the point where the thing has to drop down and you have no choice but to hold onto your seat and watch as everything unfolds before you-- watch as everything that was doing good and beautifully suddenly becomes all distorted and confusing, your heart racing or jumping up and down with adrenaline or fear.

You just gotta wait for things to go smoothly yet again or just until the stupid ride is over.

[bumxxbee]

Life's been screwing me over and over again. And I don't even know how to make it better anymore. Giving up sounds so much easier lately.

[bumxxbee]

I hated dating. A couple of months ago right after I ended my relationship at the time, I told myself that's enough. I like being in a relationship; the idea of having your own person, hanging out with them and making new memories. It's something I've always ached for. But I realized I was still at the early years of my 20s. I haven't seen the world-- heck, I haven't even seen past the city that I lived in. I haven't experienced much. I haven't met a lot of people. I felt like the world was at my disposal, for me to explore. Don't get me wrong, relationships are amazing in itself. But let's face it, not only does it bring you happiness and laughter and peace, it brings pain and chaos and a storm. It brings you tears, it brings you anxiousness on whether or not this person actually loves you; whether or not some day they'd wake up and realize you're not who they want anymore; whether or not they're loyal; whether or not they just need company and you were the one available. It's frightening. It's heavy. Like one day things are peachy, and the next, things are going to shit.

I didn't want to deal with all that yet. It's hardwork. No relationship goes on without it. But I'm not sure if I am truly ready to face it all.

I want to be alone. Though I also wish to find someone to spend my life with. But I know, just like what everyone keeps telling me, I have a lot of time. Some day in the future, I'll meet him. And I'll be ready. It'll be the perfect time-- the right time. For now, what I wish to advice you, enjoy it while you can. Being single is an adventurous experience. Something you can never get back once you've committed to someone. Don't be in a rush.