#being “good” (and whatever that means is a discussion for another day) doesnt come easily to him

[wayward-wren]

I'm hoping episode 3 let's Ruby see the dark side of the Doctor. I feel that adds a very important dynamic to a Doctor-companion relationship, when they see how dark he can be and still choose to travel with him early on.

Rose watching Nine drag Cassandra back to die. Eleven yelling at Amy "Nobody human has anything to say to me today!" Donna begging Ten to stop drowning the spider babies, and then again to go back and save someone in Pompeii.

Fifteen has been FUN and I know he can do emotional range, I've seen his fear and his tears already. But I want to see him dark, and I want to see Ruby respond to that. I think it would add a LOT of depth to their relationship and is something missing.

Plus showcasing the Doctor's flaws (selfishness) will make him a much more interesting character. I want to see some conflict between the Doctor and Ruby.

[cultofstan]

My love for Bane!!

Before you read, I want to make it clear that there are some nsfw parts to this posts. If you are under 18, please don't read!

This post will go over various details and reasons why my heart belongs to the big green giant know as Bane from Batman and Robin (1997). Get ready for a long read, because I've got a lot to say.

(If you haven't check out my Bane Wallpapers, go do check them out! They bring me so much joy, I hope they do the same for you ppl too!)

His mask is very cool and unique, because if you look closer you see they used Bane's comic book mask as a base and then just changed the mouth area and added black eye pieces on top of the red piece he normally sees out of. Imo, it is the best movie Bane mask we have ever had! A lot of people hate the multiple tubes coming out of his head, but I think it makes things extra spicy! A constant reminder that your not just dealing with any normal super human, you dealing with a venom infused one that can fight you like it's nothing! The bulging veins that can be seen in certain lighting is a detail I feel deserves more love. It adds to his big and tough demeanor. You can really tell the venom is working wonders on him! The zipper on the top of the head and the fact that his mask is most likely made of tight leather or latex brings thr entire thing together and is truly a marvel to look at! I absolute love it!💚Imagining him slick that smooth, stretchy, husky mask on while the venom starts to pump into his brain and muscles just does things to me. If Bane offered me a chance to wear it, venom or not, I would do it in a heart beat! It would probably reek of sweat, his bad breath, and of old leather, but I wouldn't care. Just the thought of inhale all those smells brings me a joy I can't describe! 😍

When I was a kid, in addition to his lovely mask, his clothing choice was another thing I loved about him. It looks like Bane is just wearing a black cotton tank top with some black sturdy pants, but I've always the headcannon that it's actually very flexible black latex one piece! It makes a lot more sense when you notice his collar, chest harness, wrist bands, crotch diaper, and boots are also make out of a harder leather with spikes and studs! I swear, half of my clothing choices/dreams come from this man! His boots, for the most part, are very frankenstein/gothic inspired with thick sole and it going all the way to his knees. The copper rivets are the only things that make them stand out, imo. I've had thoughts were in order to prove my love to him I have to lick or kiss his boots while he judges. I'd hate it for the most part, because they probably taste like dirty and dust, but I want him to know that I do love him, so I'd do small smooches starting from his toes and work my way up his leg until I'm straight up licking his boots. I'd get so carried away he'd probably make me stop pretty quickly so I don't get sick 😂. His spiked collar and wrist bands are easily the clothing items I want the most! Any time I see someone on the street with spikes in their clothing I immediately think about him. Because he's worn them for so long, they're probably not that tight or rough but still firm enough to not sag. Maybe even a little flaky in certain parts. I don't think I'm comfortable with myself enough to wear a collar in public but I've come so close to buying spiky wrist bands or gauntlets it's crazy I don't actually own a pair yet. One day, I'm sure. His crotch diaper, for lack of a better name for it, is the one thing I'm 50/50 on. Some days I think it really adds to his look, especially with the spikes that go out. Plus, to a certain extent, it makes practical sense because that way heroes cant go from behind his and try to restrain him, or can't throw too many kicks, without getting poked/cut by the spikes. But other days I think it just doesnt look that great, because it ultimatly looks like a big metal diaper, it takes away from his intimidation. Plus, I won't be able to give him proper hugs! (I want to give daddy all the hugs he deserves! 💚) His chest piece is what brings everything together. The little Bane symbol is so cute, I've always looked for a pin or something to buy but no luck. I actually used to have this Bane cape that I won at Six Flags when I was little. I cut the symbol of his face out of it and tried multiple times to attach it to my jean jackets but I suck at sowing. 🥲 The leather straps that hold the chest piece compliment the other leather pieces of his outfit. The metal looking chest piece looks wonderful and adds a layer to his character that I both love and hate. In this movie he's a drone, a mindless agent that is only allowed to follow orders. I'll will discuss this in a bit. But for the record, I hate the fact that Bane is written as big dumb idiot in this movie. It's the one big problem I have with him, which sucks because I literally love everything else about him!

I've probably watch the Bane transformation scene in Batman and Robin, like, a thousand times. No joke. I didn't realize it then, but seeing a short, thin, twink become a tall, hulking, king really hit my desires in the right way. Like, now, I know for sure that's one of my kinks and it makes me so damn happy! Granted, I've never been skinny in my life, but I've always wanted to be a musclar and strong man, so it makes sense why I love this scene so much. It's a literally fantasy of mine brought to life! More specifically, I've always wanted to be a type of strong that allows me to run miles like it's nothing, throw punches that instantly knock someone out, and lift so much weight that I borderline have a superhero body. Don't get me wrong, this is seriously mentally unhealthy because I know it's kind of impossible considering my personality and the actuality of gaining so much muscle, but I believe as long as I realize it's a dream and not beat myself up over it, it's not too bad of a thought to have. Actually, if you think about it, this Bane is kind of a plus size body representation. Sure he's got giant arms that can crush my bones like tooth pics, but he's pretty bulky with a big belly. That might be too much of a stretch to say, and I totally understand if people don't agree with. That being said, I have to say it, this man probably gives the best hugs in all of Gotham! He's so big that you don't even need a jacket in the house! Just let him embrace you and you'll never feel alone or cold again! His thick hands holding you in really tight, his muscles locking you in and warming your arms, while his gut pushes you back a little of your feet, like he wants to swoop you into his arms and carry you! 🥰 He'd be careful with his spikes of course, don't worry. A detail that sends me over the moon about Bane in this movie is his green skin. I can't put my finger on it, but it really adds to the whole transformation and therefore my thirst for him grows even bigger! Especially because it's completely unique to the movie. It looks so good that I wonder why the comics haven't adopted something similar.

I could go for hours about how I think the writers butchered Bane's character in this movie, but I want this post to mainly act as a positive appreciation post/background for head cannons that I might post about him one day. So to end, and give a taste, I'll finally talk about Bane being a drone in this movie. In weird way, because he's played as a mindless servent, it makes this version of Bane one of the easier Bane's for me to fantasies about. This is because in the movie, it's implied Bane only follows Poison Ivy because she was the first person he didn't see as a threat. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if she used some of her suductive powers on him. (I would too, just saying) So, with that established, I like that he's a mindless drone because it means that, in my head, he's not exactly my "servant" but he will basically do whatever I say. Why? Because I will prove to him I not a threat either, and only want to love him!! He'll have a concuious and his own goals, and I'll follow along and help because I trust him and want to support him, but, for the most part, he will do what I say and love me in return. I could explain this more, but I want to save the juicy parts for the follow up post I have planned for this. 😏

If you've read this far, thank you. From the bottom of my hear. I've never wrote something this personal or long. I hope I can continue to do more of these, if I'm passionate enough.

[dyketubbo]

my ask didnt send i am going to murder. anyway BEEP CLASSPECTING... now im thinking abt that and aimsey. from the top of my head/only briefly thinking, beep as rage or void vibes with me? (obvs not the typical rage player you see, more like the nuance we were discussing). and aimsey as a life player?

oooo void beep would be suuper cool :oc rage too, he is very fucking stubborn and does have outbursts rather often (also rage players in canon usually have connections to magic, and then the homestuck rage players all had religious themes so, god stuff). meanwhile void fits beeps heavy "this is all irrelevant and you could never understand any of this", and his own belief that even what he does just doesnt matter. personality under a veil (not necessarily a facade), fundamental inability to understand and truly perceive it all.

id say he doesnt fit rage enough, if only because rage players are fundamentally about survival instinct, and, well. beeps already dead, and he seems to be perfectly fine with the fact that one day he just wont exist at all. hes not scared, though he is easily pissed off, but in the end he just sort of likes messing with shit and being in control. lil dickhead (affectionate)

honestly, since he almost fits rage but not quite, he.. almost acts like a prince of hope (unfortunate eridan kinnie). destroying beliefs and asserting his reality as the Absolute Truth, dragging others like aimsey into his delusions and being in a situation where aimseys putting her faith into him even though hes not a good person because she feels the need to believe in him and connect with him, because she genuinely feels like hes the only friend they have left, and because aimsey wants desperately to believe in what beep is trying to show her, desperately wants to understand. he shuts down things he believes to be false, to the point where he can make them false by simply destroying the problem.

hes a force of outward destruction, destroying what he believes to be flaws in others. theyre heavily defensive, putting everyone beneath them, believing hes the one thats doing it Right, and ultimately, he believes its his right to control things. he doesnt trust anyone, he reacts to any fear he may have with anger, lashes out, and the "TELL. NO ONE" scene almost showcases beep shattering and hurting aimsey before he steps back and give a quick "sorry!". his arc seems to be leading up to him realizing he can care about aimsey, that he can trust her to believe him and in him, and he seems to be dealing with the concept of trusting aimsey with his beliefs

hes definitely not a general hope player, but specifically prince of hope could fit. onto possible void class combos, with, first, the notable fact that we dont know what kind of person beep may have been in the past, other than that he was destructive. we know about some events in his past, and how he feels about them (kinda), but generally, this means hes very versatile and has many class possibilities, depending on how we want to interpret what we do know.

for example, he could be a maid whose now in the apeshit stage, stubborn and repressive. its entirely possible he got so tired of listening to the other spirits that he got to the unhealthy stage, exploded, and now without anything stopping him, hes doing whatever the fuck he wants, because hes decided none of it matters, that its all irrelevant and he doesnt have to care because its his fucking universe and no one can stop him from playing god. he spends his time doing menial things, because to him, its all equally unimportant, so why not waste time? he cuts down unnecessary tasks, weeds out what he finds useless, etc etc. basically, he should still be independent, but he needs to be brought back down to earth (metaphorically), because hes kind of burnt himself out and is now fucking with things because he feels none of it matters anyways

sylph of void sort of works too, mainly his meddling and tendency to shut down anything that could reveal something he doesnt want revealed, as well as shutting down others viewpoints and he covers up shit whenever he wants. his motivations are, really, mostly unknown to us, other than that he seems to think this is fun. otherwise, he also has a tendency to try and fix things he thinks needs fixing (like getting rid of fairies and space creatures), and will often try to fix mistakes he sees in mortals. however, slyphs are ultimately healers, and beep just. is not a healer, and he doesnt necessarily invite creation of void in any way, since void isnt really destruction of anything, and what he does invite is destruction of things. hes also just too active to be a slyph

so, with the previous prince assession, theres also the possibility of him being a prince of light, which would mean he would act more like a void player. hed destroy light with light, destroy the importance of information with information. they strip away the importance of things, uses plain fact to force the perception that nothings really important. he dismisses the importance of things, purposefully acts ignorant to draw away from what he knows, destroys knowledge itself from a power standpoint (wiping aimseys memory), and in extreme cases, can physically destroy anything in his way, or assert over and over that what he said/did isnt real, that nothings true or important other than what hes saying. again, little shit. if i had to make up my mind, i think prince of light fits the most

as for aimsey, i think life does fit him really well, shes definitely got the similar "girl next door" kind of vibes, while still being really interesting in her own right. she definitely starts out as a typical fictional life player, enthusiastic, energetic, genuine, wanting to effect the world. shes a normal girl (and this isnt an insult, rather, her being so normal ties the magical themes of the bear smp together really well, and its a perfect way to use a life player, make them be a catalyst for both the normal life player and eccentric others to shine). however, as she struggles with losing trust in bear and not being treated well, not having anyone that cares about them specifically, the energy starts to falter, but comes back when they feel the need to be rebellious. notably, while aspects arent super literal, she contrasts beep so much in just how alive she is, which fits her being a life player rather well. except, as i said, aspects arent literal, which means aimsey being a life player translates to her showing what life means in a metaphorical sense.

life is about agency. its about what you do, your ability to do so, its about asserting your will. not what drives you, but simply you doing at all. interesting enough, life players can be hard to pin down because life is about desire and agency, while the players class defines their ideology. life players can become obsessed with an idea that they need to do something, that they need to change how systems work, and often can cloak their want to fulfill their individual desires as altruistic want to fulfill others needs and desires (i.e., aimsey wants a friend and someone who pays attention to her and is genuine towards her, she feels like shes found that in beep, and as such starts to cloak her want to be his friend as aimsey wanting to help beep rather than aimsey themself).

as for said class.. this was, hard. because of how heavily influenced life is by the class its paired with, and because aimseys arc right now is trying to deal with feeling like shes too much and unneeded, it means that i have to really consider how that connects with which classes struggles. so, i ended up with sylph. aimsey is a creator, and she tries to heal as well. "allowing creation/healing of life or inviting creation/healing through life". from a literal standpoint, she tries to help bear heal by trying to get him to open up, to live, to make friends and interact with people. this could almost seem like a blood player move, but while a lot of aimseys arc is about bonds and relationships, shes not really a strong connecter or leader, shes just good at inspiring others to be, to her own detriment.

also notably, unhealthy sylphs crave, whether craving more of their own aspect, or craving another aspect when they feel theirs is not enough. aimsey talks a lot about how she grew up doing things by her lonesome, and now that she feels like people are moving on without her, she may be craving blood (that sounds so awful out of context). she wants attachments, wants to be the person that brings everyone together, but.. she isnt, not in a way thats appreciated. and due to her insecurities, she sees this as a flaw within himself, and as something to fix. so, she latches onto beep, and desperately tries to have as much of an effect on their life as they do on hers. like life players in general, sylphs try to solve their problems under the guise of helping someone else with theirs. currently, aimsey seems to be trying to find what she needs to do, because when she tried to do what she thought she needed to do, she (from her perspective) failed, so now shes trying to make up for her perceived failure within herself by trying to help herself through helping beep. i would think into it even more but i think its probably best to just leave it here KEKW

[tylerwritez]

OKAY ANWYAYS its 10:57 p.m. Wednesday June 23

I'm gonna start writing my entry now so that later I'm not too exhausted to actually TALK about stuff.

Yesterday Bee gave me a link to watch Supernatural on my computer so later tonight I probably will.

I'm in class right now, we just had a test on evolution (boring) and I studied some of the book State And Revolution by Lenin (I also took notes) (he's 100 percent correct by the way)

I just had a wonderful discussion with my friend on Instagram XD it was kinda funny. I dont have much else to say Yet. I'm having a coffee and listening to Samaris

I guess that will be my song recommendation for today since I'm listening to it right now XD

Also my parents said yes to letting me go to Jay's house to watch Insidious after school, I just gotta be back for supper! I'm excited abt that... cos he is actually like. The best. So in honour of that or whatever I'm giving yall TWO song recs today... also I dont think I gave one yesterday so here is Jay's fave song XD we gave different taste you'll notice,,, if you pay attention to the stuff I reccomend

Like he listens to old stuff XD he liked this weezer song from my playlist so you get the vibes. WEEZER IS GOOD THO omg thank u K (I'm just gonna call him K) for recommending me weezer! I knew a radiohead fan would give me good music lol.

Actually I talked to K a while ago and told him about how insanely transgender the song Bodysnatchers is and he was like wow so true so I figured I'd tell yall to listen to this if ur trans because like I know everyone's got a #different experience but for me I was like holy Shit this is so trans

Anwyays idk it makes more sense if u listen to the LYRICS.

Please I'm supposed to talk about my DAY now we are onto music oh well I guess it happens sometimes plus I'm bored I hate bio class

Okay so now we have come to the thesis that kinks are contagious wow fun times in the insta chat XD

It's now 4:16 p.m. I'm back from school! Turns out I couldn't go over to Jay's cos he has work :( which made me a bit sad BUT IT'S OKAY! We can always hang out another time you know?

I'm just studying right now for my final exam... TOMMOROW

Update: 8:15 p.m.

I'm out biking. We've mildly vandalized a school, I'll attach images after I remove the exit data... it probably doesnt count as VANDALISM tho like it can easily be washed off.

My sister made some new friends her age and whatnot. Idk, just regular stuff.

Update: 10:43 p.m. I was frustrated while studying because some of the questions are stupid and I'm stupid and I cant remember TWO ENTIRE UNITS so that's fun. I got really upset. Idk.

Also Star is kinda being bitchy. Like, I know shes upset cos I dont give her enoguh attention but like... do YOU give me attention? Like, shes always so mean out of the blue, even if I try to be nice or if I'm BUSY AND NOT IGNROING HER, BUT BUSY... and it puts me off and it makes me not wanna talk to her like what's the point in saying "hey how was ur day?" If shes gonna act like a bitch to me :| I just dont understand like if she wants soemthing she should say it outright and PUT SOME EFFORT in jesus christ.

Sorry. I dont hate her and I'm not mad at her, I'm just fed up! I'm tired!!! Okay??? Am I not allowed to be exhausted sometimes?

Whatever. I mean at least I got to drink monster.

I gotta start dieting again cos I'm gaining weight :( and its upsetting me

Anyways this whole thing with Jay and Star is kinda confusing and dramatic and I'm kinda tired idk. Its MY OWN FAULT but I just want to be able to. Idk. Not hurt anyone. Whatever. It's too late now and it's not really worth trying anymore.

I hope Jay doesn't just totally ditch me when he goes to college... :( I would be so sad... it's a good thing I can spam his number and insta XD

Wish me luck on my final exam. I need it.

And if anyone knows any good ways to avoid cutting myself, TELL ME!!! Because DAMN I really want to go spend all my money on a four dollar knife/steal a knife then SLICE MYSELF UP. SO BAD. jesus.

I think I should just die I'm actually a horrible person.

Update: its 11:22 p.m. and my parents are FUCKING ARGUING AGAIN JESUS CHRIST JUST FUCKING DIVORCE ALREADY. I wish my lil sister didn't have to hear this shit... oh well. I'm already a shitty influence anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.

... have you ever seen your parents CRY? Because I have. And jesus christ it's the actual worst thing ever. Especially if you're young. Especially if it's YOUR fault... Especially if it's over shit you could barely even comprehend because of your age. Money. Shit like that. They LOOK at you with this expression, like a fucking wounded animal. It's the expression of someone just totally fucking defeated. The expression of soemone who is frightened. And its fucking scary, especially when it's your fault.

My mom does this every time she sees I've cut myself again. I hate it. Makes me wanna cut more because STOP IT. she always looks dESTROYED. It's the worst.

Sometimes they argue and fight and shit and they yell at you yell at you Yell at you scare you into submission and fuck having angry parents is terrifying because they're suppsoed to protect you and be understanding and gentle with you, the child, the cattle of the shepard, the egg of the black goat... ESPEICALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN PAIN. Every time you cry they get angrier and angrier, every time you wear what u wanna wear they get angrier and angrier, every time you are ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WISH YOU WERE... they get angry. You start to feel like maybe they dont ACTUALLY love you. There is a disconnect between what you need and what you are given. What you see in media and what you see at home. You start to feel like shit.

Eventually you learn that if you dont want the head of your favourite stuffed animal twisted off or your sisters barbie doll thrown out the window in a moving car or to be verbally insulted or to have them do SCARY things like make moves toward you before they remember they aren't suppsoed to hit you and just punishment that's emotionally fucking damaging all those words that you remember years later but they don't, every time they tell you they wish you were dead.... you gotta be quiet. Shut up. Do as you're told and don't say a fucking WORD. good boy. Upset? Don't tell them. Don't cry in front of them. Say nothing. Maintain the illusion, it'll keep you safe.

Soon enough your entire life is a secret and you need therapy but can't get it and wow, I wonder why I'm like this? I fucking wonder.

They aren't even arguing anymore but I wish they would shut up because I dont wanna hear their voices its making me ANXIOUS...

Sometimes I feel like I never got to develop past a certain point in childhood. Maybe 5, 10, 3, 6, I dont fucking know. Over 2 and under 10. Like my brain is emotionally stuck there and all of my behaviour is stuck there too. Sometimes if shit hurts me in ANY WAY I just sorta allow the bad hurt to happen. I tell myself, endure. Stay quiet, don't say a word. I've trained myself this way and now it's hard to learn to be loud and talk to people and be my own self without being scared. And part of this... is why I appreciate my friends and JAY. Jay, who always makes sure I'm okay. And everyone I know who likes to drop into my messages every once in a while to see how I'm doing... everyone who never forgets about me.

I'm actually so fucking appreciative of all my friends.

I don't know. I just... wish it was easier to sort out my shit but I guess not

Update: it's now 3:09 a.m. and I'm so fucking tired but whatever. I talked to Jay and it's hard to say much because I'm so tired but FUCK I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM JESUS CHRIST IM IN LOVE?!?!?!!! goddamnit it I just wanna be with him constantly...

Also I told him I was worried and he said, with his cute fucking voice, that I shouldnt worry cos he wouldnt just leave me. And. ThaNK YOU JAY. IF YOURE READING THIS, THANK YOU. Sometimes I get this dude's messages and just fucking smile. Hes the best and I love him. His whole self is a thing of beauty that I admire so much hes so charismatic and attractive and CUTE and I always tell him he's overconfident but MAN if i was that guy I'd be such a douchebag from confidence... dont tell him that though, xD like man I'm trying my best but at this point I wouldnt know what to fucking do if he went away. Like I'd cry so much.... I hope he doesnt move on from me too quick.

I'm so. I feel happy. Because I'm looking at everything and I feel so happy I'll cry and so sad I'll laugh. It's like being in a shitty coming of age movie where they play pop punk and the main character has his moment with the hot girl at the school dance or whatever bullshit. I feel like that. But its also like that same main character in his late forties stumbling upon an old photo of him and his highschool girlfriend and killing himself from love.

Here's what I'm listening to now... this plus a bunch of nostlagia inducing songs earlier... I just. Memories. So many. I almsot want to cry. Like. Look at them. Hold them in your hands as if they're these lovely little stones you found on the ground and put in your pockets cos they had cool stripes. Feel their WEIGHT. It's one of those things where it's so happy it's sad. It's so sad its happy. You're laughing and crying all at once and all you want is a hug. Because you can FEEL the human parts of you coming out, seeping out like a styro, starts off white then... blood. Humanity. I am vulnerable and exposed and I leave myself here.

HAN LEID, HAN LEID, HAN LEID,... han varr.

He walked, he walked, he walked,... he became.

I guess I'm still walking. But jesus christ. People affect me so much. So much. These memories, how it was cold or sunset or hot outside or nighttime and dark, how we were there as humans. I'd never be happier than in those little moments but you don't see it until years later. You don't see how important it was until you think of it and cry... fucking hell. Nils, Mark, Gabe, Max, James, Kyle, Liz,, every friend I've ever had. Nothing is better than music and memories because jesus christ I would've loved to have... died.

Died? No. My brain does this thing... I dont mean died. I guess I mean I wouldve liked to be frozen in those moments.

Sometimes I get a similar feeling. It's not the same, but its similar. This thing where you are so happy and grateful and sad because this is a tragedy and wow look. A happy moment in a tragedy. But jesus its happy enough and I want to cry because I really do appreciate the people who's lives cross paths with mine. I cry because I think of every little moment in which I knew that I wasnt alone and every little moment in which I felt their SOUL with mine and every little moment where my heart was touched... even unintentionally and in ways that dont make sense.

There was a girl, I'll call her Jade, I came out to her before anyone else. And sometimes, in the back of my head, I play that moment. In my mind. It was over fucking Skype. But I still felt it.

Oh man... I should proabably tell my coming out story. The story of how I came out to my parents. I was scared. I really was... but I felt like if I couldn't be ME, I couldn't live, or at least I didn't want to.

This was the song I played as I wrote a letter at... around this time actually, 3 or 4 am

I wrote it so spontaneously. I didn't even THKNK. I just wrote it. Because I was tired of crying myself to sleep every night and well... I had camp the next morning. That gave them a solid week or so to think about my letter... that would ensure they would be able to cool off whatever anger it would make them feel.

I wrote on one sheet of sketchbook paper front and back. I tried my best to explain. I tried my best. And that paper is stained with tears and still rests in my moms sock drawer

The whole thing got complicated after that... but in the end it worked out, with a lot of fucking work and persistence on my part.

Soemtimes I hope they look at it and cry themselves like how I did writing it.

Sometimes I just wish things were different. But they're not. I gotta deal with this.

But hey! Hey! We were happy earlier. Because... I dont kNow. I love everyone and I love the planet and i never want anyone to have to be hurt. Okay??? I love. Everyone.

Its hyperbole but still. I just want the best for everyone and I hate when other people are suffering cos it makes me upset. And. I don't know. I feel so... emotional right now. Like right now? I just want to hug everyone. And tell them that I'm here. And that it's okay. Look at me, dude! Look at me. I fucking made it... kinda. You can too! If you're reading this and you feel like shit... pull through. Please. I believe you can. I love you ANF I care about you and if you ever need help, message me.

Whatever I just. I dont know. I feel all like I just want everyone to be happy and at peace.... because I remember SO MUCH and all of it is making me cry a lot because I'm full of love okay? Like. I just care about people. I had to say goodbye to all of them but I don't fucking forget. I NEVER FORGET. It's a curse and... right now? The saddest blessing ever.

I had to say goodbye... yknow, I've never been good at goodbyes. I hope I don't have to say goodbye to Jay for a while. A long time. And when we do... I hope I can listen to his song and think of him and pull out every memory as perfectly as I can for everyone else. I just. I don't know. I see all these people in my mind, in flashes and it all comes flooding back to me. That isnt just a face. That was my friend and now they're gone. That was my friend and now? Not a word from them... that was my best friend and now its awkward. I don't want that anymore.. its painful. All of these people that have forgotten me years ago... who I still remember. Ouch. I dont know. I think I'm being dramatic because tlaking to Jay and being sleep deprived made me all mushy and then I listened to music. So.

Music makes everything feel so much more consuming but I cant live without it.

I dont even know

I'm just happy that I get to experience love.

Even if in the very end I am left alone... even if I'm tormented with memories of a happiness that can only be temporary,,,

I still appreciate it all and I'm full of love and appreciation I'm happy and i want to say THANK YOU to everyone

Signing off at 3:50 a.m,

Jude Shepard

[taetaesource]

Getting a divorce with changkyun

- the both of you met through a mutual friend

- you knew your friend through work and she is friends with changkyun since elementary school. Changkyun although debuted as an idol, he was very quiet and introverted since young so his friends always try to match-make him with girls they know. Changkyun would usually show up for the blind dates out of obligation.

- he wasn't very interested at first, he merely talked to you and walked you back home out of courtesy. But you were interested. You honestly thought he was cute and a good catch so you tried to be more active. Asking for his number, initiating new topics when the convo died down with his one line replies, texting him after the blind date.

- eventually the both of you got together. Things were rather slow with him and most of the time, it was you who is doing everything but it didn't feel like it or you just didn't take notice of it.

- he was very busy with his schedules and world tours. He really didn't have time for you.

- but what kept changkyun staying was that you were always there whenever he had little pockets of time. He was always thankful that you were patient and tolerant of his schedules and lack of time with you. Because of that he thinks about you and makes it a point to buy gifts for you whenever he has the chance to when he's on his tour.

- his relationship with you is no secret to the company and the other monsta x members. They know you but were not particularly close with you because changkyun was very low key. He doesn't talk about you or the both of you often.

- in some sense, your relationship with him was stable. And eventually, the both of you got married when monsta x was slowing down and group activities were reduced.

- the wedding was lowkey as well, just a private one with family and close friends. The news was not leaked to the media so there was no reports or coverage about it. Deep down, you were a little affected as you have always imagined your wedding would have at least made it into Allkpop or a Koreaboo article.

- By then, monsta x were living separately so you could easily move in with changkyun.

- the group was still active but not as busy anymore so he could spend most of the nights with you if he doesn't have much to do in his studio.

- but he was always at his studio making songs or jooheon or his other rapper/producer friends will be there with him and he doesnt come home till dawn.

- sex with changkyun is great. He is gentle with you and will accommodate to you. Sometimes you can't wait to get your hands on him, he would have no problems allowing you and taking you there and then - in the kitchen, in the toilet and sometimes in the car if he's sure that you won't get caught. He is the type that wouldn't say no to you in most cases and in all aspects of life not just sex.

- But whenever you raise the topic about kids, Changkyun's answer is no even though he does not say it out loud. He will say that now is not the time, the both of you should wait for a little while more, now is too early to think about such a great responsibility.

- when you started pushing it a little bit more, and got a little more aggressive about wanting kids, changkyun got a little worried and started to take a step back.

- at first, he would make sure to use protection or if you insist on him being inside you raw, he would make sure to pull out even though you have been trying ways to sneakily have him cum inside you.

- when he realised that it's dangerous to have sex with you because you are determined to have his baby, he started avoiding sex with you.

- that's when you started arguing with him all the time. "Is it because you are sick and tired of me?" "You don't love me anymore right? That's why you don't want to have sex with me?"

- "i am just tired ok? I am not in the mood for sex and that doesn't mean i don't love you anymore?"

- "then why don't you want to fuck me?" "You don't want to start a family with me because you don't love me"

- in the beginning he will fuck you out of guilt or because he just wants to stop fighting with you. But over time, he got sick of trying to explain himself.

- he avoided going home and stayed in his studio with work as an excuse.

- this worsened your doubts and anxiety. You were beginning to act crazy and paranoid, calling and texting him a million times a day. And when he didn't answer or reply, you will throw a fit the moment he comes home or replies you.

- you started making frequent unannounced trips to his workplace with part of you thinking that he might be cheating on you.

- changkyun was surprised at your first visit. He was with one of the managing director of starship discussing the debut song for the new starship boy group when you entered. The both of them were taken aback and changkyun had to do a brief introduction that you were his wife and the atmosphere was awkward. "I will leave the both of you alone since your dear wife came all the way down to spend time with you. I will catch up with you again changkyun," the director left without finishing his discussion with changkyun.

- changkyun was a little disappointed but he wasn't upset with you. He told himself that he could take another time to talk to the director and since you are here, nothing could change anymore.

- "so what brings you here?" Changkyun's tone was soft. "Sorry i didn't know you were busy with the director. I guess i came at the wrong time." "Nah, it's fine," changkyun just shrugged it away. And you relaxed after he has shown no anger or irritation.

- you ate with changkyun and watched him do his work. You loved how he looks when he's working, very attractive and charming.

- when he caught you staring at him, he said without looking away from his screen, "why are you watching me like that?"

- "i love you", you simply said. He giggled a little and signalled for you to come over and you sat on his lap. He kissed you before continuing his work with you sitting on him. You took the chance to take things further and eventually got him to pin you to the wall and fuck you from behind, on the chair and over the table.

- subsequently, changkyun seemed to notice that your repeated visits to his studio always ended with sex and it was an unhealthy pattern. After all, that is his workplace and he is still for no children.

- but his rejection of you became another trigger for the longstanding quarrels between the both of you.

- "i don't understand why you gotta be here all the time? This is my workplace for god's sake, there are people watching. Could we please keep our issues till we get home?"

- "i don't understand why you gotta be like this to me all the time?"

- "i am trying to tell you this is my workplace?? I have to maintain a level of professionalism?"

- "ya who knows? Maybe you are keeping some other girl here"

- "what are you talking about??"

- instead of babies, now whenever the both of you argue, you will bring up suspicions and accusations of changkyun having an affair or hooking up with other girls.

- to avoid arguing with you, changkyun minimised his time at home and will try to go home for a quick nap or shower during the hours when you are out at work.

- eventually, you got tired of it too and did not say anything anymore when you see him at home.

- all forms of communication broke down between the two of you and it's like as if the both of you are living as separate entities.

- you knew that you had to clear things up with changkyun but so much time as passed since the both of you failed to communicate that nobody knows how to make the first move anymore. Nobody saw the point in making the first move anymore too since you two might end up fighting again.

- you texted changkyun first asking him if he was free tonight if he could come home earlier because you wanted to talk to him.

- the both of you sat at the dining table at home. "I think we have to talk about our next steps. What we should do with our relationship moving forward.." you broke the ice first. Changkyun simply nodded.

- "i think the whole issue came from the fact that you didn't spend enough time with me? You were always telling me that you need to work, you stay long hours at your studio and i don't know for sure what exactly you are doing, who you are with...."

- "hey, i always tell you that i'm going to the studio, i'm going to work. My work has always been very long hours and unpredictable. It has been like this since debut and you knew that when we first knew each other."

- "yes i know that but you are no longer the same to me. You are always impatient with me and you even stop wanting to get close to me. It's very difficult for me to not think that you might have another girl...."

- "hey hey, wait. I've never cheated on you. This is one thing i need you to get this clear. Never have i done anything like that."

- "then why do you avoid me?"

- "because everytime we came close we end up arguing over stupid things? And i got sick and tired of arguing?"

- "if you didn't behave like you didn't love me anymore, i wouldn't have to argue with you."

- "i didn't say that i don't love you or do anything at all? You are the one being paranoid."

- "if you have a wife who wouldn't want to talk to you and have sex with you, you will be paranoid too."

- "i didnt not want to talk to you or have sex with you ok? I just don't want to do that because we always end up quarreling?"

- "you should make an effort, not give up and ignore me."

- "i did?? But you always end up twisting my words or being paranoid about me having another woman?"

- "if you love me, you wouldn't stop trying"

- "stop threatening me or guilt-tripping me or whatever you are trying to do with this stupid "if you love me, you wouldnt whatever shit". Love is not one way and i get tired of making effort when all you do is accuse me of cheating when all i ever do was to take a step back to stop arguing with you."

- changkyun was very frustrated and he was literally raising his voice and speaking like a bullet train. He is not the kind of guy to lose his cool. You were already crying and this was the first time you've seen changkyun so frustrated, you knew you have pushed him to his edge.

- the both of you sat there in silence for a long while.

- "so what do you want to do now?" Changkyun asked after he has managed to calm down and return to his usual tone.

- you paused for a long while. "Let's get a divorce", you said without looking up.

- "okay, let's do that," was all you hear from Changkyun. He said it in his soft and deep voice. It sounded like he also had this in mind but also regretful.

[echoise]

when ortega decides you need something, you’ll get it. end of discussion. (vague chargestep, m!sidestep (Keith!), m!ortega, pre-heartbreak.) 1,242 words

“Hey, Keith?“

You don’t bother looking up. “What.“

Ortega moves to snatch your newspaper away, but even with his stupid mind static you know how he operates. The dodge doesn’t even take effort. He groans.

“C’mon, look at me,” he whines, and you know he’s giving you the puppy eyes. All the more reason for you to pointedly not look at him - because as much as you’d rather not admit it, the puppy eyes work on you. Like a charm.

“Or you can just wait for me to be done.“ You move out of his reach, scribbling down on the crossword. Anathema snickers, the short burst of joy bouncing off your mental shields.

“Just leave him be, Ricky, you know how it is.“

Ortega grumbles something you can’t quite make out. You raise the newspaper a bit higher just to hide your smile.

Finally, you set it down, and look across the room at Ortega. “You were saying?“

“Oh!“ He perks up. Like a puppy. The thought makes your chest well up with an odd warmth. Nothing new when it comes to Ortega, but you’re still not quite used to it. “What’s your favorite color?“

You stare at him. Somewhere to your right, Anathema bursts into laughter.

“You,“ you start slowly, “tried to interrupt my crossword to ask for my favorite color?“

“Yes?“

You shake your head and curse your traitorous lips currently curling into a smile. You try to mask it in a tired sigh. “I don’t know. None.“

“C’mon.“ Ortega looks at you like you’ve grown a second head. “Everyone has a favorite color.“

“Well, not me.“ You get up to get a refill on your coffee.

“Unbelievable.“ Ortega shakes his head, looking over at Anathema. “Tell him he’s unbelievable.“

“Hey Keith, Ricky here thinks you’re unbelievable.“ You can hear the smirk. You half-turn back to them, eybrow shooting up towards your hairline. Ortega buries his head in his hands and rubs his eyes. You have to fight to keep your face normal and hope to God your cheeks aren’t pink.

“Well, you can tell him he’s an idiot,“ you quip, turning back to the coffee. The sweet-smelling steam immediately calms your nerves and erases any trace of blush from your face.

“Seriously though,“ Anathema asks when you come back to the table with your coffee, “no favorite color whatsoever?“

“Haven’t thought about it.“ You sip your coffee. “...blue,“ you add after a moment.

Ortega perks up again and you can practically see the imaginary tail wagging. “Blue, huh?“

“What kind of blue?“ Anathema asks, smiling up at you.

You shrug, uncomfortable getting both their attention like this. Staring at you all intensely. “I don’t know. Just... blue.“

“Ranger blue?“ Anathema suggests, flexing his biceps to show off the navy uniform. You can’t help snorting.

“No. You know that’s hideous.“ You pause again and take refuge in your hot bean juice. “Lighter, I guess. Like... the sky.“

“Sky blue, huh?“ Ortega’s eyes glint in a way you know never brings anything good. Mostly humiliation, bruises and scars in stupid places, and high repair bills.

“Whatever you’re planning, just don’t,“ you warn. He just laughs you off.

It’s only the warmth in your chest (and maybe your caffeine addiction) that holds you back from throwing your still steaminf mug in his face.

*

“Close your eyes.“

Your eyes snap to him, alert and very suspicious. “What? No.“

“Come ooonn.“ You try not to get distracted by how kissable the pout makes his lips look. How kissable you know they are. 

You cross your arms to both ward out the thoughts and whatever he has on his mind. “No.“

“Why, don’t you trust me?“

“You know I don’t.“

He pouts more and you refuse to smile at that. You won’t go so far as to try and lie to yourself about it not being cute, but that doesnt mean you have to let him know that. Shit, getting close to this man was the worst (and the best) decision of your life.

“Please? I promise it’s good. And not humiliating.“ Here come the puppy eyes.

You snort. “You realize that makes me even more suspicious.“

“You are too paranoid.“ He rolls his eyes. You feel a pang in your chest but push it down. It’s okay. He doesn’t know.

“Just the right amount, thanks.“ You uncross your arms and try to relax. “What is it?“

He sighs. “Fine.“ He brings out his hands, which he has been hiding behind his back. You blink.

“...a present.“ You probably look just as confused as you sound. Ortega laughs.

“Come on, like you’ve never received a gift before.“ There’s a pause while you look at him blankly. Realization dawns on him and his face turns from an amused smile to horror and... shame? “Oh, shit. You haven’t, have you?“

You lower your gaze, but accept the offered package. “...thank you.“

He scratches the back of his neck, suddenly awkward. For once, you’re actually glad for the static between your minds. “Uh, yeah.“ He clears his throat. “Happy birthday?“

You give him another blank look. “Happy what now?“

“Well,“ the grin he flashes you is sheepish, but full of his usual charm, “you refuse to tell me your actual birthday, but felt like you needed one.“

The feeling building in your stomach is equal parts nausea and felicity. “You can’t just decide something like that.“

“Oh, but I didn’t.“ He’s still smiling still. “It’s the day we met, so basically the same thing.“

You pause mid tearing the paper. “It’s what?“

“You forgot?“ He looks offended. You think - you hope - it’s just acting. Not knowing how to react, you opt to just shrug. He sighs and mutters under his breath. “Unbelievable.“

You give an apologetic smile for his benefit. “Sorry.” You pause and swallow, suddenly shaky. “I... appreciate the thought.”

Ortega looks up, again looking disturbingly like an excited puppy. That comparison is just never going to not be relevant. You quickly lower your gaze back to the present and unwrap the rest of the decorative paper - surprisingly neatly taped, you note - and reveal the contents.

“You like it?“ He’s watching you closely and you can sense the hopeful smile.

You slowly look up at him, not sure how to feel. There are flapping wings inside you, drumming up vertigo and nausea and heat, rising up to your throat and swelling it shut. You swallow hard and blink to cool your burning eyes, trying to compose yourself.

“Keith?“ There’s worry now. You force yourself to draw a few breaths and calm down.

“It’s great,“ you hear youself croak, even feel yourself smiling. Your hands move of their own accord and wrap the gentle blue scarf around your neck. They don’t even tremble as much as you’d expect, fingers easily handling the soft fabric.

Ortega’s smile is full of relief. “Good. Ok. Great. I uh, just noticed you didn’t have one, and it’s getting cold...”

The warmth of the scarf combats the warmth inside you and equalizes it. You smile. “Thank you, Ricardo.”

That following Christmas, you receive a matching hat and gloves. The next, his mother knits you a dark blue sweater. It clings to you like a warm hug and you let it, willing the blue coloring of the yarn to overpower and wash away the orange underneath.

It doesn’t, but you always were too hopeful for your own good.

[dyketectivecomics]

So...what ARE you feelings on bruce being a Pisces? Let alone that Cass is an Aquarius, Dick is an Aries, Jason's a Leo and Tim's a cancer?

I slowly shut my laptop and set it aside on my bed, staring ahead at nothing in particular as I reminisce on a favorite Pisces in my life. My best friend since childhood, a girl who i’ve known for well over a decade, more than half of my life really, who happens to share the exact same birthday as Fictional Character Bruce Wayne. A Pisces-cusp.

I think on the similarities I see between them, the qualities of her character that only I and a few others would know, and try to think on how others have perceived her before joining our friend group over the years. I admire her empathy, her passion for music and video games, her willingness to put all of her friends above herself. 

And then i remember how she drunk-texted our group chat last night just to tell us she loved us & that she couldn’t wait to hit up a gay bar with us when we’re all back in town.

And I cackle. Because if no one else does, I do see these qualities in Bruce Wayne’s character. Just a hair below all the so-called brooding and angst. Bruce is a water sign who’s a little emotionally stunted in that he tries to hide his feelings, but he feels oh-so-very much. He’s a Pisces trying to emulate a Scorpio and falling just short (bc lets be real, he’s got too many kids that he definitely dotes on) but yknow… it’s something that when he’s done correctly by writers, they somehow manage to fit those qualities in without even realizing, I think. Sure, he’s not a kid that I grew up with and there’s plenty of differences because my friend is, yknow, an actual person who’s more than a couple of personality traits. But damn if I don’t see similarities….

Now, as for the rest of the kids & others that I relate them to… (under the cut, tagging as “long post” for mobile users just incase tumblr wants to be a butt again) Also a warning bc some of this will sound like I’m ripping from astrology sites but honestly just narrowed things down from my own personal experience with these signs. Take all of this observation & comparison with a grain of salt, if you wish.

Cass is an aquarius, like myself. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t see more than a few similarities in what few scattered stories I’ve been able to read so far (or even that I might be prone to reading a bit too much into some of it bc hey, I have a fav now & I want to see myself in her, sue me). One of these days I’m probably going to sit down and really dive in, but for now, I gather what I can, listen to the meta that others have, and ofc, try to form my own opinion. 

That being said, an eccentric-ass Aquarius is really the only choice to take over the mantle from a sensitive-ass Pisces, and everyone can fite me on this. Aquarians & Pisces, my friend and I, Bruce and Cass- all on a similar wavelength, esp when they’re encouraging each other and learning to grow from one another.

Cass is an air sign that most people only see as being grounded because of the discipline David Cain instilled in her from childhood. She’s funny, wise beyond her years, and intensely dedicated to the mission at hand bc of what it means to help others as a whole. And this is fault that I see in myself and in her: she’s got plenty of empathy for those she might already be close to, and absolutely cares about humanity in a greater sense, but caring for individuals without getting to know them can be uncomfortable. She’s driven, but can be blindsided by that dedication and burn herself out easily if others don’t intervene. Also, an introverted extrovert, one who’s absolutely ready to meet with others and collaborate/team-up, but can get a little lost in her own head from time-to-time.

…

Now, Dick the Aries. My other best friend since childhood also shares this sign with my First Favorite Robin. And I do see more than a number of parallels between the two of them. My aries friend has a penchant for taking over projects and setting themselves in charge of the operation. But they also have the charm and ingenuity to make themselves to seem the perfect and best fit for that leadership position. They’re rebellious, a little brash in decision-making, but they’ve also mellowed out over the years in many small ways. Still on fire about what they’re most passionate about in life, and more than willing to achieve it by any means necessary, damn anyone who thinks that they won’t.

There’s a popular consensus in fanon to make dick a kind of hufflepuff who’s just there for his friends & loves hugs and is lovey all around- but Dick is driven. He cares for his friends fiercely and will help them absolutely, but he’s ready to avenge them too. He’ll punch you in the face, pirouette with the utmost amount of sass, and then make you feel bad for making him do it in the first place. He’s got that bit of deviousness that will make you second guess his intentions. But if you’re already part of his inner circle, you have nothing to fear from him. And that’s where his lovey side then has room to come out.

…

Moving on to Jason the leo, and I know you didn’t ask, but Im adding Stephanie to this discussion as well since she’s a leo too. A few leos that I’ve gotten to know over the years can be summed up very lovingly as this: attention whores. (again. very lovingly. i love each and every one of those bitches so damn much, this is something they’ve each used to describe themselves lmao)

Leo is the King of the Zodiac, commanding attention in the room whenever they walk in. They’ve got plenty to say, of course, and they’re excellent diplomats/socialites in many ways. Often best suited for a leadership position. They know how to read the conversation and the room and turn it best into their favor. They will dazzle you with their wit and charm, but also in their knowledge of the subject at hand. If they have an Opinion, they’ll absolutely let you know what it is, and they’re not afraid to hold back on what they perceive to be a truth. Some will have a bit more tact than others, but they’re a fire sign, after all. 

Did this just describe Jason & Steph? well maybe not to some, but I definitely see their drive to complete their own missions & joining up Bruce’s crusade as Leo qualities. Steph and Jay are willing to do what it takes and butt heads with whoever they must if it means doing what they see is right. They’re absolutely social people too (maybe Steph a bit more than Jay will be), and you can’t deny they’ve both got a certain kind of charm over the rest of the family.

…

Tim the cancer sign… this is… difficult actually. One of the few signs that I don’t recall having significant interaction with. (& honestly the character & Robin that I have the least personal interest in. I do want to like him but I just…??? Havent rlly found the time to put into reading up on him more)

But just going off the water sign aspect, and knowing water signs in my life… Emotions & emotional intelligence are obviously going to be at the forefront. From what I’ve gathered on Tim, he’s very well-rounded in all areas of his life, and driven to succeed at whatever he’s set his mind to. I can absolutely respect the strength his character has commanded over the years, and his popularity is absolutely earned, I think. Writers have worked hard to make sure he’s distinct from Dick & Jason before him in many ways, and I’ll have to look deeper into his character & listen to more meta on him before I’ll be comfortable to speak further on that.

…

To round out this discussion, I want to bring Barbara into the mix, because she’s had a fixed birthday for awhile now. And tbh she’s just as much part of the family as the rest I think (yes, I know some people get Babs fatigue bc she’s the first batgirl & gets the other girls lost in the shuffle but hey! I’ve loved her for awhile now!) She is *drum roll* a Libra!

Now, this ones a bit tricky, bc the most important Libra in my life is my mom. Buuuut, she and Babs are both cusps… on opposite ends of this zodiac sign. I admire my mother for her resolve, inventiveness, work ethic, and stability. I also loathe her tendency to micromanage projects, become overly involved in the work of others (to the point where she WILL find out whats going wrong) and how she tends to overwork herself (just this past spring has been really really difficult. I’m surprised she hasn’t worked herself into the grave with the amount of stress she puts on herself)

Now some of these qualities, I absolutely see in Babs. But I also see a bit more awareness in her character, esp when she’s grown up into her Oracle persona. She seems able to recognize what she’s doing and how she’s affecting others, and will sometimes use that to her advantage. She’s a character who’s grown into the adversity she faces & doesnt let it change her resolve for completing the mission, even if it needs to be from a new (& probably better) angle. She adapts well to change, or forces the change to adapt to her. She is a force to be reckoned with and admired.

…

All of this to say… at the end of the day, the stars are still just balls of gas and light that sit some billion light-years away from us. Do they really control our personalities? I mean, probably not. But there’s enough similarities in those traits to make you wonder… and it’s honestly just a Good Fun Time regardless. 

[wolfwhiteflowers]

how to block a fandom.. ugh sigh  vvv

trying to not be so involved in the fandom or so. idk how. (winter hiatus is gonna be hell) 

everyone’s keep bashing on the show and saying mean stuff. be careful what u wish for.  

it’s gonna be fine. it’s just a show, u can do whatever with it, quit it, not take it seriously, or just #anti-

~~~~~~

i guess when a show is old and changing..or there’s a big fandom on online, there’s more fandom wank than I’m used to think there was before(the 1% theory). I’m more on the unpopular opinion-side (I always do). More bitter people and I feel like they’re missing out on some cool stuff that is still there, but they’re too bitter and impatient to see it. Fandom...internet places...people are generally negative? (people don’t like grey angsty arcs) Anyways, i just wanna focus on the positive stuff when i go online or to think. I understand some just wanna chat and rant, and some have other different reasons why they go online etc.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok so i think u just limit to a lot of fandom things. some rules..? this is hard to do. just don’t go on it so much.

-***most of the time, people/fan don’t need the fandom. Fandom is just on the side. I feel like being part of the fandom is like being part of a group or family and just helping people out. It’s like you’re just making up extra time to help/squee/argue people. Idk ..I can not be part of the fandom. //Fandom seems to care about being right, shipping, fave’s attention. Not much on analyzing on story. People suck. -Give a F*ck budget, money, time, energy.

-****try to avoid places where u see people’s opinions(comments/posts) all the time or just view it in short time. (also avoid negative rude people ect. -only read on positive people’s) It’s hard because fan forum sites, there’s great convo/analyzing/meta discussion in there that u sometimes don’t see in it like tumblr. But, lately i see people hate-watching commenting. (like “ofc, showrunner does this.” “i hope rating goes down so my fave actor can have a better job opportunity, or show it in showrunner’s face my ship is better than the notp and the spotlight.” ..really a lot of fans say the same things in any fandom. is it even true? )

-kinda..avoid stans...shipper stans. they only care about a ship. ok that’s kinda harsh..but yeah they’re most likely to be bitter because the show focus on other characters/ships too. Also, skim past the dramatic/jealous-like posts. 

-..idk why, but people like to compare all the time. criticize and judge quickly. like ok....why not both (fave ships)? Why compare faves? Good thing the show is just focusing on everyone..ok. Oh, and the whole this character is “weak” ok ..so say it to a disabled veteran or an abused wife. sigh. I don’t want to see a show with perfect strong superheroes. BORING! This show is not a boring video game. idk..some people don’t think ...critically or long-term.. like come on..this show, most shows are about characters and them being strong emotionally and physically in their challenges. Also, another thing, idk why fans focus on what the writers are saying but not thinking on the other characters too. Like if the show focus on a character apologizing to another character. That character who apologized= fandom hates him/her. But this other character who is a dick but the show doesn’t address it and doesn’t redeem him/her = fandom doesn’t care or notice it. Another is that fandom don’t like complex character...female characters blah blah. Idk what’s my point here. fandom popularity? so just know that sometimes fandom is just so immature, annoying and rude. So, try to avoid it.

-not a lot of people are overall-fans, so...there’s more wank for me to see it. same with being a multi-shipper, i see more wank too. Like me shipping c@ryl and r!chonne. boy, i see hate on all of them on per character. (because people who don’t like c@ryl are not r!chonners...but they may also ship r!chonne. idk why it’s c ship vs. r ship. it’s just ABD/C shippers.)

-oh, thing about generalizing. People love to generalize. sigh. I should try not to be so sensitive in the fandom or I’m so caught up in fandom wank. i should not take it seriously when people generalize...anyways people generalize things and that always create drama/fandom wank. omg. ugh. Sometimes, these people are ones that just plain assholes. So, block them. Sometimes, it’s just they said it wrong and/or thought it wrong. So, idk. Try to say “IMO,...” “Some shippers...”

-idk if it’s accurate...but my theory or what i heard..is that the show is the showrunner’s/writer’s show. It’s not mine and it’s not the fans’ show. Everyone’s have different likes and wants. Writers can’t please everyone. I heard that it’s good that the showrunner’s stick to what s/he wants because it’s their story and it’s not giving fanservice to please different types of people all the time.If they keep pleasing other people, it makes the show inconsistent and frustrating. Criticisms is ok but I think showrunners know and see it and they decide what to do with it. 

- ratings. ok so that’s hard to handle. it’s just part of being a tv fan. it’s all show business kind of thing. just be realistic. show’s gonna end someday. hopefully there will be a good conclusion and how the writers want it to go for the show. nothing’s goes fair and perfect on shows. (like there’s actors leaving or canceling) I don’t believe in those theories on changing writer’s minds on character/ships and stuff.

-putting words into actor’s/writer’s mouth. i hate that. These fans are obviously biased and ..like entitled-fans. (kinda like bad irl shippers too) This annoys so much. No one knows what the actors/writers are really thinking. That’s their personal life and they have their own personal opinions. so, saying this actor wants to leave because the show sucks, character is not focused as much, or they hate their co-stars. It’s soooo dumb and so rude. u don’t know them. what if the actor wants to leave because of sick family or just want to change careers or whatever. I just would rather have the facts and actor’s statement to say what really is going on. I don’t wanna theorize on biased-rumors. I also..just not into actor’s life. Like I’m not into idolizing actors/other performers etc., because I just don’t know them fully and ..it always end up disappointing..(like omg she smokes? omg she’s a drunk driver? omg she got married to that guy eew why?). So, idolize ..a little. My point is..idk just skim past the entitled fans...

-i like this advice from someone, ... go to #showedits Maybe even go to #showspoilers.( Well to look at overall of the show and gifsets. but there’s still wank, so idk.)

-i feel like idk what to think about the show because i feel like I’m worried about the fans’s feelings/thoughts and wonder what’s their reactions will be this time after an ep aired. I’m so caught up on fandom that idk what i myself like on the show or think what’s right. ....So I take a moment to myself and think on what I like and don’t like in an episode. Write out your feels! ...don’t need to have the fandom anyway.

-always ask, do i still trust the writers? Does my fave characters still in-character and I understand where the story or season’s story is going? Do I still like it?// Just know what kind of show it is. it’s just a show on that day to watch. maybe not get so invested next time. Or, to quit the show, find a spot in the show and say that’s my finale ep of the show for me. ..and there’s fanfictions. just make one up in ur head, an ending, and then move on. These are all fictional stories, you can do whatever with it.

-if ya wanna rant negative. imo, i like to just write it out and tag it #anti- and put it under ‘keep reading’. idk, deal with it, on what the show is, realistically. grieve it. it’s ok to quit a show. /////sometimes, when im confused of the plot and get mad at the writers, sometimes it’s best to wait it out...sometimes the writers already know about the “problem/drama of the plot” and they make sense later on.

-focus on what u like about the show. Do fan art! look at fan art, read fanfiction, and fan videos! Write it out on what u like and speculate. get it out of ur chest.

-during hiatus, there’s more fandom wank. sometimes, just wait a day, the wank is not there anymore. so, do fan art, or just go look into another show and stuff. take a break.

-having unpopular opinions. oh well. what the majority say isn’t always right. idk just shrug and be proud of ur thoughts or crack ship. if it’s like unpopular opinion on the show’s writing, then keep in mind, and maybe the show isn’t for you and that’s ok. *it’s all what the writers want to do. The majority doesn’t know and change the story atm. This part seems to be the hardest..cos u can see majority’s opinions all the time and everywhere. Usually negative sigh. So my tumblr dashboard ..is all mostly one fandom-fans. eh. so i see a lot.  Just keep scrolling and know ..that person from that fandom, probably complain about something. 

-most importantly, I tell myself, “do i still like the show? Do I still wanna watch and see how it goes?” Then if yes, then so it is. It’s all about me..if I still like the show. My time, money, care.

-tired of negative talk of anything. sigh. idk. (why do they repeat the same thing and say it 25,375 times? nothing’s changed. it doesnt help me or u. just deal w/ur crap feels now and get it over with.) (some say it’s bad writing when it’s just something they don’t like. something minor. complain easily. basically..it’s just that it’s the writers’s show or they forget it’s a season-long arc.) i guess go elsewhere . fanart.

[saintkimora]

ok, here is part 2 of the relationship stuff that happened from thursday to today. its taken so long bc ive been so tired w work and my emotions and stuff so i just havent had the energy but now i do. again caleb i would prefer if you didnt read this but i cant really stop you so just do what you want i guess

so i left off w the confrontation in the middle of a field. so i asked caleb a question i was like “be honest, did you cheat on me?” and i told him about how leeann told me he reinstalled grindr a few weeks ago and met this new guy who is named ray. caleb told me his side of the story. it was that he reinstalled grindr just to reconnect w some of his old friends. i asked why he didnt just have their phone numbers already but he said he doesnt give out his phone number that easily. so the grindr part was resolved, his justification made sense. i would have preferred if he just told me when he did it though bc if he just told me in the first place that he reinstalled grindr to talk to old friends i prob wouldve been ok with it, the fact that he hid it was what seemed shady to me

then his explanation of hooking up w a guy before he picked me up to resolve our issue on tuesday night. so it turns out he was actually hanging out w a friend from grindr named dan and they just hung out and played video games. i believed him. leeann said she had just assumed he was hooking up w him so in this case calebs story was acceptable. i mean caleb never offered to play video games with me smh but whatever idc if all they did was play video games im fine w that, i dont want to be stereotypical and say that two gay guys cant just be friends and hang out so i accept his story with dan

but then i found out about ray. ray was a guy that he just met on grindr that he was talking to and was interested in. that part hurt. he said he never met up w him in person though so that was good. i asked about how leeann said he compared me and ray and like highlighted all my personality flaws and he confirmed that yes, that conversation did happen :( he said the flaws he brought up were the same ones he said to me on our tuesday night talk, that i had no work ethic, no real goals, etc. idk why he thinks im just some flop bc i do have clear goals in life since ive literally been set on being a doctor since like 11th grade. i dont want to be a doctor tbh but its still my goal so its not like im just aimless. anyways idk it upset me a lot that he was like weighing the options between me and ray bc ive never like compared him to another guy. he admitted he was wrong talking to ray though and he apologized so i appreciate that he knows he was wrong to do that 

so that was p much it. basically leeann didnt really have ALL of her facts straight. i was still unhappy w what he told me obviously but he apologized and thats whats most important to me tbh. after that i felt a lot better, bc my breathing was kinda labored the entire day bc i was so nervous so my breathing returned to normal and my appetite returned 

so then the rest of the date was nice. we picked up his friend brian so it was the 4 of us and we got tutti frutti. leeann stayed in the car so it just the 3 of us sitting there eating it but then something a little unsettling happened. i was just sitting there enjoying the company and enjoying the snack and brian was like “you could cut the tension with a knife” and we were like theres no tension and brian was like “nvm...awkward silence is the right term” and that really caught me off guard. like i was just sitting there relaxing and enjoying myself and i didnt even know i was being awkward. like it just really reaffirmed how i feel like so disconnected from most people like not to be like “im so special and different” but i really do feel like i dont fit in like i dont know how to interact with people except for on a very surface level and so even though he didnt know it, brians little comment really affected me and made me feel really alone and isolated

so then we went to the boardwalk and it was cold but nice. again i dont do very well in groups but it was alright. it was like a huge burden off my shoulders knowing that i had resolved things with caleb, or so i thought

so that was on thursday. i havent seen him since but we have been texting and talking on the phone and stuff. it seems the issues havent been completely resolved. im still not really sure what exactly we are fighting about but im p sure we can get through it. like i just had some questions left to be answered 

for example, his explanation and leeanns explanations werent adding up about ray. like leeanns message made it seem like he was talking about her to ray on monday, which means that he was talking to ray by monday the latest. but he said he didnt talk to ray until after he broke up w me, which was on tuesday. i asked him and he said leeann just had her days mixed up. it is certainly possible that leeann did have her days mixed up. but kim told me she thinks hes still lying bc he doesnt wanna admit that he was talking to ray before he ended things with me. it is v possible that im kinda blinded by love which is why i have kim, so she can kinda keep me grounded, just like idil and peter do. but overall im choosing to believe caleb bc ive already told him i just want him to be honest w me and i dont think he would be so disrespectful to just continue to lie to me

and like im still trying to process everything. tonight he said that if i bring this stuff up to him one more time past tonight hes just gonna walk away and i dont want that to happen so i guess we are done discussing these issues. he sent me a really nice text last night and he was v nice in person on thursday but he can also get kinda hostile and mean over text, such as in his texts to me tonight. i dont know if he means to come off like this, which is why i wish we could stop discussing serious things over text and save them for when we are in person

so yeah, basically, on thursday we fixed most of the issue but i still had some doubts but after tonight i dont really think i have any. i still really care for him which i why i hate having drama with him and i feel bad bc i feel like i keep dragging it bc every time i think our relationship is fixed but then another new question creeps into my mind and i have to ask which leads to drama. so i feel like i just keep ruining everything but i dont know how to stop and it just sucks

[peafarmmer]

tagged by @untouchabyeolman for all three tags LOL thANKS DUDE

Rules: -Go to this website: www.random.org/lists -Pick 15 characters from any fandom or whatever you’re into -Tag five or more people -Have fun!

im not in any other fandom so i just put most of them twice LMAO im so dumb dont mind me holy shit

Mom/Dad: chen

Sibling: sehun

Grandma/Grandpa: kai

Haunts You: chanyeol //true//

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: suho

Your Ex: kyungsoo

Your Best Friend: xiumin

Proposed To You: sehun

Your Boss: kyungsoo

Random Person You Meet At A Bar: kai

Your Rival: lay

Gave You Your First Kiss: chen

Drunk And Singing Karaoke With: baekhyun

Played 7 Minutes In Heaven With: chanyeol

Gave You Your Favorite Dessert: baekhyun

tagging: @chanyeolve @chaichanyeol @dulcetyeoll @chanyoel @92-pcy @dyo-alone @ravyeolie @baekshitbyun

1. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds? exo saranghajaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAaaasssaaa 2. When was the last time you smiled? Why did you smile? 2 seconds ago when i reblogged some good sehun 3. What bad habits do you want to break this year? its april…come again next year.. 4. What is honor (in your opinion) and is it consider to be important to you? kjsdflsjkdlf 5. Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think. Who are you? Way deep down. a Mistake 6. What are you looking forward to? leaving school 7. Your first kpop band? exo!!! i might have had like a pre-exo got7 phase but it died young 8. Embarrassing Moment? every second of my life (cred: nicka) 9. Do you consider yourself as an open minded person? If so, why? i actually really hope so 10. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind? my dog!!!!!!!! 11. If you had to teach someone one thing, what would you teach? how to correctly identify chanyeols hand in a photo of nine hands stacked on top of each other

tagging: @chanyeolve @iluvpcy @yiffxing @92-pcy @smhsehun @daeksoo @laycult @miyuki @brbcrawlingtokorea

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? group chat have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? no :( list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with. 1. EXO!!!!!!! but idk that id identify with any of them do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better? i like my birth name better than diana but i dont like how its translated in english... and im pretty sure my mom rolled a die for my english name do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do? i wouldnt want to... literally all i do is walk to discussion and not pay attention are you religious/spiritual? nah do you care about your ethnicity? care about sounds very proactive i feel pretty passive about it like i feel…like things are just the way they are im cool with being taiwanese what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? asdfdgfgdh? are you an artist? no do you have a creed? no…. but i mean i try to be a good person :( describe your ideal day. an ideal day is when theres nothing due at the end of the week dog person or cat person? DOG indoors or outdoors? indoors are you a musician? i played piano and flute but piano was like out of obligation and flute was just for band and i was really shitty at both five most influential books over your lifetime. NAHHH if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? nope would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”? 8/10 what’s your patronus? idk shrek which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? muggle would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? hogwarts do you love easily? dogs yes list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. tumblr wasting time tumblr wasting time hiking from my apartment to the FUCKING CAMPUS how often would you want to see your family every year? i see my parents most school holidays i think thats good :^) have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone? no i hope that doesnt happen ever LMAO unless its liek one way where i read the other persons mind could you live as a hermit? im? right now? its happening live how would you describe your gender/sexuality? female do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”? yeah im just like really mild and sad on a scale from 1 to 10 (easy to hard), how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? 1 (credit: nicka) three songs that you connect with right now. 화창한 봄날에 - jerry k., kuan only one - freestyle, xoxo someone i know - san e pick one of your favorite quotes. “i would be a good spouse” - oh sehun

tagging: @shypcy @soo-heaven @the-baekery @whatcanisaydude @babyeol @ilovminseok @chanyeolve @baekshitbyun

[isaacathom]

ooh, i made a slight change to what i guess is the ‘inciting incident’ for CCC

so, originally, i had it be that Nava was caught and strangled by one of the hunters, and thats what caused Shani to go Magic and kill the three hunters and spare the Survivor.

new plan. mostly influenced because im trying to explain where the magic came from, and ive decided that, if nothing else, Nava also has the ability to shoot hope lasers out of her hands. its possibly a regional thing. thats not important. (well it is but not relevant)

if she has that ability, i find it difficult to believe she’d be so passive as to just. let herself get strangled. that sounds bad, but i mean, youre being held down and the guy on top of you reaches for your throat, youve basically got a gun, you lift that sucker and pop a cap in him. thats what Nava does. after a moment ineffectual struggle, and with another hunter (the third one, as the second is currently holding Shani back) closing in to help hold her down, Nava shoots a hole through the first hunters chest and gets up off the ground.

Shani reacts poorly, because Shani is an altogether gentler soul than Nava is.the hunter holding Shani nearly loosens his grip. the Survivor loses his fucking mind and scrambles backwards, yelling incoherently. the third hunter, noticing that Nava is briefly distracted in examining the first hunters body, lunges forward and stabs her repeatedly with his hunting knife. THIS is what gets Shani. like she starts screaming louder (and its this scream that is first heard by the town, and used by the Survivor as evidence) as Nava stumbles forward and slumps. the third hunter keeps on ploughing through, though, because hes in an emotional state and this is revenge. because like, TECHNICALLY the first hunter isnt dead yet. yet. but there is a big fuck off hole in his torso so yea hes basically dead. and the third hunter is getting his revenge. and just. keeps going. while the Survivor screams in abject fear and the second hunter (holding shani) tightens his grip again.

and shani goes off. because like, now shes even more scared for her life. when she was being held, yea, she was spooked, but now seeing the reaction this man had, this series of events, and having the grip on her retightened (as it’d only been loosened in just bewildered fear), she has pretty good reason to believe that this third hunter, crazedly stabbing her friend to death, will come for her next. she was already going to die at these mens hands, but now its going to come faster and with more violence. also, lest we forget, her friend just killed a man and has just been killed herself. so, click, off she goes.

promptly hope lasers the guy holding her (i imagine by shooting him in the leg and then spinning around for the chest shot to end it), before long distance lasering the third hunter, flinging him off into a tree. rip. the Survivor just starts whimpering at this point.

at this point im not sure exactly what happens. cause the idea is that Shani flees the scene. and thats fair, i guess, but did she also check on Nava? i mean, Nava is totally dead, she was stabbed far too many times and far too noticeably to actually survive, like how the first hunter was Totally Dead even if he hadnt died yet, because there was no real way any of these 4 people were gonna actually make it out alive based on their injuries. but. did she still check? i mean, unlike Nava, who was fully conscious and aware of what she was doing at the time of lasering the guy, Shani isnt. shes not conscious of what shes doing beyond knowing WHY shes doing it - cause they just killed her friend. even IF she remembered the stuff leading up to her going super saiyan, she does not remember at all that actual experience of being in saiyan mode and killing two people in less than a minute.

but like. what is she doing. what does she do. where is she going??? was she trying to get to the village? that could work. not as an extension of any lack of direction (because, fun as that would be, itd get quickly tiring in the actual story i think), but as an extent of getting turned around and being in a new place. live in a desert city your whole life, now youre in a forest and your best friend just got murdered, directions are hard. easily explain it as, since the hunters had led them off the path theyd been taking, that shani has No Idea where she is and gets lost. she doesnt get lost for long, admittedly, as she arrives in the village like, the next morning (early enough that not many people are awake, but late enough that people are already aware of her description and know who she is supposed to be). or something. ok that time thing is also something to discuss but ill get that later.

but still??? checking nava? did she check nava, realise she couldnt actually do anything, and then run for the village in an attempt to get the hunters in trouble? or tell the truth? it’d probably have worked if she hadnt gotten lost and promptly passed out once she arrived and forgotten the whole thing. but that COULD work. like. runs to Nava’s side after killing people. the survivor is off to the side trying to keep quiet in fear that Shani will kill him. finds nava like, totally gone, like, fuck me dude this whole murder business was positively brutal. backstabbed to high fuck and ten turned over for a frontal assault. destroyed. and shani just stands up and /runs/. at speed. away. adios, shani, you wild fuck.

after that shit is still the same. slightly more motivated (a dozen or more stab wounds are a little hard to pass off as an accident or even self defence to an /extent/), and it makes more sense later. tying into that, after all. cause when Mavris (im just gonna call the master Mavris at this point im really lazy) finds the body, he knows Nava was murdered immediately. he doesnt know the context, he doesnt know what happened, but he KNOWS she was murdered. whereas if she’d been, say, strangled, theres that extra confusion and you could easily make the mistake of thinking that she simply fell into the ditch and died. but stab wounds? dont get that many stab wounds from some sharp rocks in a ditch.

so the survivor just. does the same as he always did. shakingly picks up Nava and chucks her in the nearest ditch he can find, kicks some dirt in there too since i mean, she is wearing light colours, yea its stained blood red for the most part but to be safe, kick kick. click clatter crack. runs back to the village yelling for help, dragging the third hunter along in a desperate attempt to save at least one of them.

NOW. the thing i gotta work out. what time stuff happens

cause i think the less time between the deaths and shani’s arrival the BETTER, right, because its better pacing. so. the hunters encouner Nava and Shani during the day. morning or afternoon? morning, maybe, or early afternoon. there needs to be enough time for the bodies (of the hunters, not nava) to be recovered and returned to town and for news of the murder and the supposed Murderer. so that when shani appears everyone knows. her exhaustion also needs to be justified, beyond the obvious (in that shes been travelling for like a week or more across deserts and forest with minimal food and water, no worries)

so. lets say morning? and then have shani arrive at the village after dusk. means people are still awake (thus meaning she can be found and quickly brought indoors before too much hubbub, but also justifies how little people are around) and it means that the council can be quickly made aware of her arrival and begin searching through her stuff for evidence while waiting for her to wake up. the sooner they can investigate her, the sooner the trial can happen and the sooner shes made into a slave, which kickstarts the ressstt of the story. right. yea. that works.

this stuff works fine.

i was also thinking, for a later point, that someone else from shanis city finds themselves in the town. nava and shani weren’t the only people who decided the desert was better than the government or whatever the hells happening in that city, so a guy shows up from there. not with as impactful an entrance, ofc. though, how much /would/ that impact shani. i mean, the guy wouldnt know shes stigmatized (yknow, as a murderer), so it means she can just. talk. no worries. no pressure. she can just chat to this guy, learn about whats happened since shes left, confirm that yup, no fucking clue where Nava went, yada. she probably sees him off when he leaves to head west for the boats.

thats about all ive got. probably should rename mavris, though, lmaoooo

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