#being played like this hurts so bad i got hopes and dreams and shit yknow

[vyragosa]

this irational belief about saint peter going out of his way and raging on against the dying of the light that maybe just maybe, higgs is truly modelled after the first apostle saint peter and maybe just maybe

it’s about being the person believing in sam porter the most, not for being the messiah

but just for being the man himself, just for that fact alone

“i want to understand him but i can’t make sense of him”

[jangofctts]

As You Are (Bucky Barnes x fem!reader)

Rated: Mature, Explicit 18+

Word Count: 6.4k

Warnings: smut, explicit language, mentions of alcohol, mentions of violence and injuries, light choking, brief thigh riding/grinding, vaginal fingering with them metal fingies, oral female receiving, unprotected vaginal sex (dont be a dick, wrap that stick), fucking on sam’s couch

a/n: ok hi this fic is very self indulgent bUT YKNOW WHAT WHO CARES EKJHEJHKEJH this is my first fic for marvel and AH I hope I did Bucky justice. ENJOY YALL

This had been a terrible idea. 

Right from the minute you tailed after he and Sam to the Baron’s extensive vintage car storage. Bucky had explicitly withheld any and all information regarding this little excursion to protect you but of course you’d shown up—none too jazzed about the little stunt Bucky pulled regarding the Baron. Fair. 

You were right—Bucky should have called but that overwhelming guilt of dragging you into another one of his problems stopped him from pressing that little call button. He never wanted to be the reason you ended up back on the run again. Though judging by the way things were going, it was more than likely you’d be in prison by the end of the week. 

Luck had your back in that sort of regard—too bad it could never rescue you from your own stubbornness and grief regarding that damn shield. 

You’d taken a devastatingly hard hit from Walker—a fractured orbital, a split lip and a dislocated shoulder. All preventable—if only Bucky kept better track of you before you showed up in that warehouse alone. Left to fight the shadow of what was once a symbol of hope for some—another man playing dress-up in something that will never belong to him. 

It was just their luck Bucky and Sam arrived in time—preventing you from becoming another red stain of violence splattered over that shield. 

James Buchanan Barnes is not afraid of much—but fuck. Seeing you crumpled over the concrete floor, all bloodied and struggling to raise a hand to protect your face… It was the same feeling as injecting his veins with a pure shot of adrenaline and anger shrouded in fear. He promised Steve he’d look after you… 

And as Sam carried you out of that warehouse you had the gall to tenderly tell them that you were just fine—as if your mouth weren’t full of blood and a face blooming with patchy bruises. The jealousy that sparked through Bucky’s chest when you clung to Sam’s chest did nothing to help that dark festering pit inside his ribcage he’s attempting to suture back together.

Bucky clenches his jaw. At least you’re asleep now. Curled up against the window, holding your injured arm in a way that limited the turbulence from jostling it. It’s the first time Bucky would describe you as fragile. He know’s you’re anything but that—stubborn mostly—yet most of all brave. It’s what Steve admired most about you—what Bucky loves most about you too. That vibrant spark flowing through your blood and how you’re not afraid to shout along to your favorite songs despite the odd looks you get. Bucky envies how self-assured you are, how you’ll never lose yourself because you know just where you’re headed. He wishes he still had that sort of drive instead of all this uncertainty and guilt clouding each muscle and fibre in his body.      

Bucky doesn’t realize the jet has landed until Sam stands and and places a large hand over your shoulder. Your face scrunches as you whine and curl further into your seat. “C’mon, kiddo.” You grumble something inaudible. “You want me to carry you?”

The delicate plates of vibranium clink together as Bucky’s hand tightens into a fist, jealousy flaring hot and bright. He quickly stands, too fast to be considering anything less than awkward. Sam’s brow quirks. “I can do it.”   

“It’s cool, man,” Sam says as he scoops one arm under your legs and the other around your back. “I got her.”

Bucky bristles. Whatever. 

It’s not like you and him have anything together. A one sided plague of affection that you’ll never know about—he wants to tell you. Fuck, the words burn through his tongue and collect like ashes between his teeth and yet they are never voiced from self sabotage. There’s no possible way to voice how you’ve haunted his thoughts and his dream since the moment his eyes met yours. How he’s memorized the lines of your smile and the sweet sound of your laugh, the sweep of your lashes and the rhythm of your steps. Bucky would know you deaf, blind, numb, in this world or any other twisted reality. 

He had said that he wasn’t afraid of much, but that’s not entirely true. Eternity, oblivion, crowded rooms, being alone too long. And you. You terrify him. You have the power to pluck at the very strings of his soul and unravel him completely until he’s no more—and you don’t even know it. Bucky Barnes is less afraid of dying than he is of loosing you but that fear never once provides him the courage to tell you. You may not be a scribbled name in his book, but he still hopes that one day he’ll earn the chance to strike his cowardice and put to rest the wretched ache in his heart that he feels for you. 

He wishes he told you in Wakanda, after the Blip, Riga, and right this instant. He watches Sam carry you out of the jet—what’s a little more time?

                          -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The sun is beginning to melt into the horizon, turning the expanse of water into molten gold and shimmering blues. The hazy humidity from the late afternoon heat collects at the back of Bucky’s neck and the light breeze does nothing to cool. Bucky sighs and swipes at the bead of sweat creeping down his forehead with the back of his hand—he glances up. 

A ghost of a smile creeps across his lips. You’re exactly where he and Sam left you three hours ago. Surprising to be quite honest—you never did like to stay in one place for longer than ten minutes. You’re a pain in his ass, simply said.  

But now—now you’re haphazardly splayed out on the lawn chair you were forced into, a juice box loosely held in your good hand while the other still remains in the sling. He can’t tell if you’re asleep—Steve’s sunglasses do an excellent job of hiding your eyes. Yet as Bucky wanders closer, your head rolls to your right in greeting. 

“It’s rude to stare, y’know,” you grumble, lifting the juice box to your mouth. Your lips purse around the plastic straw. “And before you ask—yes, I have a very important job I’m currently overseeing.”

Bucky quirks a brow. “What—hogging the lawn chair?”

“No—“ You huff. You gesture with your juice box at the large cooler your sandaled feet are propped up on. “I’m the booze master. God of the ale, destroyer of sobriety—“

“Alright, Booze Master,” Bucky interrupts with a snort. “Why don’t you bestow upon me a beer, your majesty.”

You tap your index finger over your chin as a lazy smile fixes itself over your lips. “Granted.”

You slide your legs off the cooler and with a pained grunt you shift forward. Bucky shoots his arm out and steadies you back against the chair by your shoulder before you get any further. Your face pulls into a grimace.

“I got it, kid. Relax.”

Bucky pops open the cooler and fishes out a beer and pops the cap off between his left index finger and thumb. You watch with a frown, “I could’ve done that for you.” 

Bucky resists the urge to roll his eyes and takes a seat on the cooler. The bitter fizz floods his tastebuds as he takes a sip of his drink, a tangible silence blanketing the space between you. He gets it—people like he and you can never settle for complacency. As if the rest isn’t deserved despite the bloody knuckles and the shattered glass that slices through skin—the bruises and the broken bones. None of it is enough—not worthwhile to preserve yourself when other’s so desperately need your help. 

Or maybe it’s penance. 

Bucky sure as shit finds himself swallowed by the black maw of guilt each and every day. Battling the never ending shadow of doubt that clings to his soul like glitter to a an old carpet. Bucky believes it’s safe to say that you’re the same—every good deed you do added to the imaginary scale weighing against the bad despite it feeling hollow and insurmountable. Paying in blood to equate the amount you’ve spilled. A hopeless battle you both insist on fighting. 

Bucky sighs through his nose, bends at the waist and collects both your ankles in his left hand. You let him lift them both and settle your legs over his knees. You shiver, an eruption of goosebumps rushing up your skin at the cold metallic shock of Bucky’s vibranium thumb scrapinh over your bare flesh.

Bucky’s lips tilt down ever so slightly. “Did I hurt you?”

“Never,” you rush to say before he has the chance to flee. “S’just cold.” 

His hum reverberates low in his chest as those cerulean blue eyes fall to his hands. You clench your jaw until your teeth ache as his left thumb continues to stroke over the delicate skin covering the joint of your ankle. This is…new…

You’d been close with Steve and Sam, and by proxy Bucky—in some weird adjunct way. Compared to Sam’s teasing bumps of the shoulder and that infectious laugh far more addicting than the golden liquor of the sun, Bucky is frigid. Still attempting to shake off the whole Winter Soldier thing that’s molded onto his bones like stubborn permafrost. Touch had always been tricky with him—even a friendly pat over the back or a simple tap to the harm had him tensing under the touch—muscle and steel bunching to prepare for a harsh blow that would never arrive. Never from you.         

Bucky rarely sought out your physical comfort—you were always the one to initiate those friendly touches even if he was the type to just sit and ignore you like a grouchy old cat barely clinging onto that ninth life. The first time he breached that fragile barrier was in Wakanda—something in Bucky cracked and split into a cavernous ravine of nebulosity. Stitches shred apart then stapled back together as he grabbed your arm and wrestled you into a bone-crushing hug. You didn’t need to ask to realize he cried the entire time, gripping your shirt like a lifeline while he shuddered and sobbed into the crook of your neck. To him everything from the rain to silk sheets felt like shrapnel and the stars tasted like old blood and the past of things long gone—yet you were familiar. 

A comfort for the much needed healing of the scattered pieces of a man. You don’t mind helping him pick up the tidbits and reattach them with veins of silver. It’s the least you can do. 

The second time occurred after the loss of Steve. Some part of you had been wrenched out with his departure and he never bothered to return it. It doesn’t matter anymore—the hollow ache had been soothed with the Winter Soldier clutching you to his chest until you drifted off into a fitful sleep. A tether to a new reality you both partake in. 

Which brings you to now. There’s no cathartic reasoning behind his touch…it’s simple…a risky leap of faith into unknown territory. Bucky’s eyes lift to meet yours—curiosity swimming in those icy irises. You don’t mind—in fact you quite like the calloused warmth of his hand and the opposing chilly metal one tentatively exploring your exposed skin. 

“You have a scar here,” Bucky murmurs, skimming the thumb made up of flesh and sinew over the mottled skin occupying the crease of where the top of your foot meets your ankle. 

You bite the inside of your cheek. “I fell on barbed wire.”

“Clumsy,” he chides, quirking a dark brow. 

Your shoulders bounce with a huff. “I was like—twelve when it happened, James.”

His mouth quirks in a half smile, quite liking the validation of his name in the way your mouth speaks it. He wonders if you know the weight of granting you that leeway of calling him that. Shit—he doesn’t care what you call him, everything sounds lovely when you say it. 

There’s another silence—holding your breath until something splits and shatters into a million pieces. You’d be a liar if you said you didn’t want anything more than just friendship with Bucky but fear of rejection is a tricky thing. You take the easy way out and offer him the chance of something more on a silver platter. 

“Bucky?”

His fingers whisper up your shin as he inclines his head.              

“I’m tired. Drive me back to Sam’s?”

“Sure thing, doll.” 

                            -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Bucky holds the door open for you as you stumble in, escaping the hazy southern heat. He disappears into the kitchen as you make a beeline straight for the couch, sighing loudly once the plush cushions meet your back. You lazily lift your head once you hear his familiar footfalls nearing. 

With him he brings two Otterpops, one blue raspberry and the other cherry. Once he hands it to you he takes a seat on your left, close enough that his thigh and shoulder bumps against yours. “Don’t tell Sarah’s kids that these were the last ones.”

You roll your eyes and promptly stick the Otterpop into you mouth. “‘M ain’t no snitch.”

His low chuckle reverberates through his chest. The silence that follows isn’t an awkward one as you enjoy the cold treat—it’s filled with the humming cicada bugs outside and the breeze through the wind chimes. Comfortable with the normalcy—just a couple of regular old people enjoying life for a suspended amount of seconds.  

Once you finish the Otter Pop, you crumple the plastic up and rest it on the coffee table. He does the same—hints of the blue syrup sticking to the cracks of his plush lips. You force yourself to avert your eyes. You cheeks heat with a flush as you rush to occupy your mind with anything but wild fantasies of Bucky’s mouth. You lean forward again, pointedly ignoring the way Bucky’s eyes track your movements as you shuck off your sling, the prickle of unused muscles and bruised ligaments rushing through the limb. You wince as you slowly roll your shoulder. 

The muscles in Bucky’s jaw clenches. You sigh—he’s still blaming himself for your injuries. “Does it still hurt?”

“Not everyone has freaky healing powers, Buck,” you snort. You rush to appease him when he frowns. “It’s getting better though. Still can’t sleep on it—but eh.” 

“I’m sorry.”

You bite the inside of your cheek. No matter how many times you tell him he’ll never believe you. That’s something only he can fix. Doesn’t stop you from telling him anyway. “Stop blaming yourself for my idiocy. I made my choice and paid the price for it.”

Bucky’s eyes drop to his hands. “Can’t help it, sweetheart. Steve told me to look after you.”

Your heart constricts within your chest like a fist. You inhale and reach out to rest your hand over his wrist. “Funny—he told me the same thing about you.”

It surprises him—his dark brows furrow as his mouth parts, but nothing comes forth. Grappling with the right words that fit with what he feels. He’s still learning how to give his soul a name that fits. Learning how to take the dark, twisted bramble of his heart and make it into something that doesn’t ache each time it beats. He’s still learning how to look himself in the eyes, point to himself and say that there’s nothing frightening in there. Not anymore. No more. 

You suck in a breath and muster up the embers of courage. Here goes nothing— 

You cup Bucky’s cheek, the scrape of stubble welcome against your warm palm as you gently turn his face to look at you. His eyes drift to yours when the mumbled syllables of his name tumble from your lips. His eyes are framed with dark circles of wildflower bruises, his small smile a moonbeam stark against battered skin. You’ve dreamt so many times of swallowing it whole and pressing him close enough that your heartstrings become entangled with no hope of separation. But that’s something for him to decide. 

You drop your hand cradling Bucky’s jaw, but before your hand completely falls Bucky surges forward. His large hands rush to cup your face, swallowing your noise of surprise as his plush lips fall onto yours. The syrupy flavor of a Blue Raspberry Otter Pop he stole from Sarah’s freezer lingers on Bucky’s mouth, mixed in with the smell of old leather and cracked cardamom. Bucky nips at your bottom lip, tugging once and then rolling it between the blunt enamel of his teeth. Despite all the bad jokes regarding his age and senior citizen status—fuck he’s a damn good kisser. Compared to him you feel clumsy, sloppy, but no matter how hard you search for his distaste he doesn't seem to care in the slightest—if anything he’s pulling you closer. 

Bucky’s kisses may taste like the middle of June and a first love, but desperation lines every action like a wound with jagged edges. It’s a slow process learning to be free, but one day he’ll transform into starlight—and instead of a kiss like fire, it’ll be like touching your lips to a constellation’s aureate mouth.   

When Bucky pulls away, sucking in air and resting his forehead on yours, you catch a whiff of his hair. Freshly washed and smelling a bit like Sam’s shampoo. Your lips quirk. You’ll make sure to keep that a secret from Sam.

You pull back just enough to meet his eye, resting your palm over his vibranium hand that still cups your cheek. “Am I the first person you’ve kissed since the stone ages?”

His lips pull into a cheeky smile. “Maybe.”

You laugh and roll your eyes, skating your palm down the front of his shirt, the heat of his skin near searing through the fabric. “I guess we have a lot of catching up to do, huh?”

Bucky’s lips smother your small moan as he drags you into another kiss. You can feel his smile as he murmurs his agreement between desperate kisses and the enticing warmth of his tongue skimming along yours. The next time you part for air, Bucky drops his strong hands from your face to instead wrap them around the curve of your hips. He tugs you over his right thigh with ease and breathes a gentle sigh of your name, beginning to pepper kisses over you cheek and down the slope of your jaw.

Bucky reaches your ear and carefully nibbles the cartilage, his voice a warm scrape in your ear. “I want you.”

It’s such a simple phrase…and yet…it tears through you and pools like a heavy weight right to your center. “Then take me.”

Quick as a strike of a match, you’re tipped backwards, cradled right between the arm of the couch and the back of it. Heat rushes through each limb and gathers in your cheeks as Bucky’s vibranium fingers skate up your chest and curl around the column of your throat—that hardened soldier he’s tried to bury bleeding through the cracks of his resolve. You don’t care. You gasp into his mouth as he squeezes ever so slightly while he pushes a firm thigh between your legs. Shit—this is how you’re gonna die—grinding on Bucky’s muscled leg while he’s got a hand around your throat. 

What a way to go.    

With his other hand he grips the meat of your thigh and pulls you higher, grinding the rough material of his jeans covering his crotch into yours. You whine and arch into him. You need more. 

You both stay here for a good while up until it feels like you’re ready to burst at the seems if you don’t have him now. Bucky is no better—cheeks flushed as he fumbles with the zipper to relieve the noticeable bulge straining against it. Impatient and needy, you shoo away his hands and do it yourself, easily sliding your warm hand down his navel and over his boxers to palm at his cock. Bucky’s hand twitches around your neck, a sweet groan filling the air when you softly squeeze him through the elastic.

“Fuck, you’re gonna…” Bucky trails off and buries his nose into the crook of your neck. “Gonna make me cum in my pants if you don’t—don’t stop.”

While the thought is tempting, you want this to last just a little bit longer. Rush after the glorious high of just being near him, his kisses, everything about him. Bucky grunts at the loss of your hand and mouths a wet trail of sloppy kisses up your neck and returns to your lips. When you part he sweeps a stray strand of hair and tucks it behind your ear. He smiles softly.

“Can I try something?” He breaths. Before he can even tell you what his idea is, you’re happily nodding along. “Wanna taste you. Been thinking about it ever since Wakanda.”

Oof. His words shoot straight your center. “Bucky—why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

His mouth quirks. “You make me nervous.”

Rolling your eyes you plant a kiss on his forehead and grant him his simple desire. Bucky sits and slides to the floor, close enough that he’s still able to hover over you. You lift your hips as Bucky tugs your shorts and underwear down and off your legs. Besides the general anxieties of being half naked in front of an incredibly attractive man and performing something so sinful on a friend’s couch—there’s a strange stroke of pride that alights through each of your vertebrae. A powerful man willingly dropping to his knees to please you. 

Bucky shoots you a smile and slides his hands around your ribcage, bends forward slightly and captures you mouth in a deep kiss. He parts and nips down your jaw and over your throat, sliding his tongue over the marks he leaves with his teeth as if to soothe the slight sting. You whine and arch into him as he slides lower, leaving an obvious trail of bruises and teeth marks in his wake until he reaches the collar of your shirt. Bucky moves his palms under the fabric to grab at your breasts, the flats of his fingertips rolling over your nipples that peak through your bra. You suck in a shaky breath when Bucky catches the pebbled bud between his forefinger and thumb, the hard vibranium of his fingers scraping over it. A low hum rumbles through his chest as he leans forward to playfully nip at your collarbone.

“I wanna see you naked.” Bucky admits as he slips his hands out of your shirt. You shiver as those chilly metal fingers gently come to rest on the outside of your bare thighs. 

“Not here, Buck,” you sigh. “T-they—fuck—they can come back any minute.”

Bucky quirks a brow, eyes dropping between your legs, then back up with a smirk. His plush lips part, yet before he can disprove your silly point—that your bare ass is already out and taking off the shirt would barely make a difference—you interject. 

“Shut up.”

His shoulders bounce with a chuckle. “You have such a way with words, y’know that?”

You make a noise low in your throat and reach out to sharply tug his ear. He easily bats your hand aside, hooks his hands under your ass and hauls until you’re all but hanging over the edge of the cushions. You squirm, unable close your legs or to relieve some of that burning tension collecting in your core as Bucky lowers himself and wedges his shoulder between your thighs. He slides his hand over your calfs and wrestles them over his broad shoulders—earning a perfect view of your pussy. You’re already wet—worked up and running on borrowed time. You roll your head back onto the back of the couch and clench your jaw. You don’t want to rush him but Christ—you really don’t want Sam or Sarah to find you like this.   

It feels like ages before Bucky’s lips touch your belly and then your navel with his warm tongue. With a grunt he shoves your shirt up to your breasts and circles your bellybutton with the tip of his tongue—his enhanced strength easily pinning you down as you jerk and giggle.

Bucky picks up his head and grins. “Try and hold still, doll.”

No sharp retort comes to mind. Fuck—he’s already got you so expertly wrapped around his finger. 

Bucky hums, satisfied with your weak nod and continues on.  

Bucky’s bare fingers trace minuscule patterns into the sensitive skin of your inner thighs, coaxing out a shiver that rushes through your body. They tickle towards the apex of your thighs and settle close enough to reach your aching center. He pauses for a moment and while you know he’s there, you curse when you feel his thumbs softly part the lips of your soaking cunt. They gently work up and down, smearing your wetness around but never enough to give you any friction as your body adjusts to the feel of flash and vibranium. You bite back a groan as your hips unconsciously twitch. 

Unsatisfied with simply touching you, Bucky shifts his weight to better reach your core. “Fuck—you’re so pretty.”   

There's a moment just before Bucky swoops down, face hovering close enough that you can feel his sticky, warm breath fan across you inner thighs. Anticipation grips your heart with an iron hold, and then— Bucky licks a broad stripe from the base of your cunt all the way up to your swollen clit. His mouth is molten, tongue like liquid velvet as you shudder and grab at his hair. Bucky grunts against you as you drag him closer by the short strands—greedy for any and all touch he gifts you. Bucky’s mouth slips around your clit, sucking and tracing circles over the bundle of nerves with the tip of his tongue. Your eyes flutter shut as a quiet moan wrenches free from your vocal cords.  

He trails lower, sucks on your labia, and makes his way down to your soaking entrance. The wet heat of his tongue circles your cunt, skips over it completely to catch the wetness before it leaks over the couch. Bucky opens his mouth wide and groans in appreciation, devouring your pussy like he’s been denied this his entire life. Desperation lingers on his tongue and all you are is the honey sweet taste of salvation. 

“Shit—Bucky,” you cry, throwing your hips forward in search of more friction.

It's perfect. So fucking delicious. 

You tense as the vibranium tips of his fingers, two of them, press at your entrance, teasing the clenching ring of soft muscle before sinking in. The chilly digits slip in with ease—all the way up to the second knuckle and when he draws them back, they're slick with your wetness. With a self-satisfied grin, Bucky thrusts them back in, then out—setting a steady pace that makes everything ache with desire. It leaves you just hovering over the sharp edge of ecstasy, the catch of his knuckles and imperceptible metal plating dragging along your walls pure torture. Fuck—he’s going to be the death of you—

Bucky’s mouth dips down a second time and sucks on your clit and with a few more curls and thrusts of his fingers inside of your clenching walls, your body seizes up tight. You're flying off that edge, faster than a fucking freight train. You cum onto his tongue and fingers with a strangled cry of his name, sparks of blurry white lining the edges of your vision as your back arches. Bucky continues to lick you through your orgasm, even as you buck and squirm in his iron hold. Supernovas implode behind your eyelids as heat, hotter than wildfire and jet fuel spreads from your center all the way up your stomach and down to your toes. You're shaking, lucid enough to hear Bucky murmur his praise—feeling the vibration of his groan, as he licks up the flood of your wetness over his tongue. 

Your brain swims in hazy bliss as you float back to reality. He's still curling his fingers into your pussy and it damn near hurts. You're too sensitive. Nerves rubbed raw and still throbbing—but you're too fucked out and still riding the waves of your orgasm to push him away. Bucky is all too happy to remain between your legs—takes this opportunity to tilt his fingers into your cunt faster, suckle and lave his hot tongue over your clit that burns from overstimulation—somehow you're back at the very edge again.

It's sharper than a vibranium razor against bare flesh. Your thighs shake around him as he twists his fingers inside you and bumps agains that tiny, little patch of nerves. You cry out as an orgasm floods through you veins, rupturing each cell in your being with molten pleasure. Your core pulses around Bucky’s fingers, fucking you through it until those burning waves of release eventually cease to a fading throb. You whine and push at his forehead because he's still going. You panic a bit—fucking hell, he’s gonna make you cry—but he pulls away, his mouth and chin wet with your slick. 

“Feel good?” Bucky purrs, resting his cheek on your thigh. 

If judging by the way you thighs still quiver and your chest heaves—then yeah—it felt good. 

Cheeky bastard.  

“Get up here—“

You grapple with his shirt, fisting the thin fabric, but he’s heavy and your entire body feels like jello. Your grip strength is all but laughable at the moment as Bucky clambers back onto the couch and grabs both of your legs, slotting his narrow hips between them. One leg is stuck against the back of the couch while the other hangs off the edge, foot skimming the hardwood floor to accommodate Bucky. Not the most comfortable but fuck it—who cares.    

Bucky grunts when you lift your hands and hook your fingers into the waistband of his jeans, tugging them halfway down his legs with a sharp yank. Already a dark patch of wetness stains the fabric of his boxers, the impressive bulge straining against the elastic and begging to be released. Your eyes meet his icy blue ones as you slowly pull his boxers over his cock. It bounces up towards his navel, thick and beautiful just like the rest of him. 

Impatient, Bucky’s fingers curl around your wrist and presses your open palm against his cock. He’s thick and heavy in your hand—perfect. The bead of precum that pools at his flushed tip smears against the inside of your palm as you experimentally roll your wrist, fascinated with the feel of his foreskin rolling over the steel heard flesh with each stroke.You give his a cock a rougher squeeze, a bolt of liquid heat settling in the pit of your stomach as a stifled moan reaches your ears. 

A sharp hiss of hair passes through his clenched teeth as you lightly tug on his cock. From the base up you pull, fixed upon the throbbing flesh, flushed and pulsing and all for you. His cock bobs when you let go—he huffs out a disappointed noise. “I need you, Buck—please.” 

Your previous two orgasms did seemingly nothing to soothe the growing ache for him. It prickles up your spine and singes through every nerve and bone—you whine and arch your hips, trying to touch your slick cunt to his cock. Bucky growls your name and pins your hips to the couch with ease. 

With his left hand, Bucky firmly grips your jaw, his stare folding into something serious. “You sure?”

Your tongue runs over your bottom lip. You grin. “Do your worst.”

Bucky curses and readjusts your calf slung over his hip and grips the base of his cock. You shudder as he runs the blunt head through your folds, slicking himself up with your arousal. You mewl and dig your nails into the flesh of his forearm as the wide tip of him pushes into your entrance—he shudders as you clench and arch. It doesn’t hurt, but he’s certainly not small in any way shape or form. You’ll feel him for days afterwards as your cunt swallows inch after inch. 

You both groan as he finally bottoms out. His jaw clenched tight as sweat beads at his hairline. Shit—he’s gorgeous—struggling not to loose control the moment he’s buried inside of you. You allow yourself to adjust for a moment but your own impatience rakes down your spine with claws of scorching arousal. You rock your hips in curiosity and squeeze around him. 

“Fuck—“ A ragged moans severs his words as your gentle rocking tilts into abrasive jolts. At this angle it’s difficult to fuck yourself onto his cock, but the measly thrusts are meant to tempt him. His left hand shoots to your throat, the chilly metal a stark contrast to your flushed skin. You dip your head back, exposing more of your supple skin—all his for the taking. 

You dig the heel of your foot into the small of his back and grab at his shoulders—tempting him into fucking you already. You’ve waited long enough. Bucky snarls your name, hooks one hand under your ass and pulls his cock nearly all the way, out only to slam back in with devastating force. There’s no time to adjust or gather your obliterated thoughts before Bucky sets a pace, desperate and feral. Each roll of his hips borders erratic, taking his pleasure without thought—intent on reaching his own end after being denied for what seems like a millennia—and maybe it has been. Bucky shifts, widening his knees as much as he can to sink lower onto your body—his soft hair tickles your cheek as his choppy exhales burn hot over your skin. 

Bucky turns his head to steal a kiss, open mouthed and catastrophic. No words are exchanged as he fucks into you with brutal strength aided by that damn super-soldier serum—there’s no need for them, not now anyway. You complete each other without the spoken utterances—still both a work in progress. Though most things are you suppose—constantly remaking yourselves, but instead of smashing the haphazard pieces back together alone—you have one another. You bury your hand in his hair and cry his name.  

You choke out another groan and feel your arousal begin to drip down your thighs—hear the thrusts of his cock into your cunt become shamefully wetter and damn—you really hope nothing gets on this stupid couch. You don’t want to explain that Sam. 

Electric heat sears down each vertebrae in your spine, blazing through each and every vein with the brilliance of a wildfire escaping the edges of the forest. This is gonna ruin you. Bucky’s hand reaches between your bodies and rubs tight, controlled circles over you swollen clit. There’s no build up to your orgasm—just a calamitous surge of warmth that sweeps your very soul off its feet. Your nails dig into Bucky's back as you shake and fumble for a foothold in your own consciousness—the steady warmth of his body a much needed anchor. 

You have no time to recover because he’s still going. Thrusting into your pussy with violent slaps that echo through the room and will more than likely leave bruises against your ass. Through the pressure of his hand over your windpipe—threatening to cut your air off completely—you garble out his name. Bucky drops his head to his chin, the weight of his gaze landing between your legs, watching the way his entire length disappears inside of you. When he raises his head he molds his mouth to yours. The soft, wet kisses rapidly morph into pricks of his teeth, his gravelly moans so pleasing to hear. 

You arch and tilt your head back as he presses you harder into the couch. The vibranium hand latched onto your jaw, works it open and slides a thumb past your plush lips. You lave your tongue over the digit—the metallic tang flooding your tastebuds. “Good girl—m’close. A little longer.”

Bucky’s panting breaths mingle with yours as his pace turns vicious. Chasing his high that he so desperately needs. Overstimulation bites at your nerves, but with a gentle tug to the soft strands of hair on the back of his neck and a sweet whisper of his name, Bucky bursts. His moan jumps up an octave, eyes slamming shut as he buries his face into the juncture of your neck and shoulder as he cums. He’s shuddering in your arms as his hips erratically jerk, hot spurts of his release coating your insides. You whine and tilt your hips up to prevent it from spilling onto the couch. 

Finally he slows to a stop, ragged breathing filling the air as the heat and weight of his body becomes a welcome comfort. Eventually that warmth grows stifling. He lazily pulls away, observing gaze drinking in each inch of bare skin exposed—the marks and the light sheen of sweat. You hiss as he curiously drags his thumb over the bite mark lingering just above your collarbone.

He parts his plush lips but before he can apologize, you interject. “Don’t—I like the reminder.”

Bucky shakes his head and drops down to tempt your lips into a lazy dance. “You’re a weirdo.”

You smile and cup his cheek. “I’m not the one with a staring problem. You know that you can’t kill people by glaring, right?”

Bucky kisses your cheek, your jaw, and then the dip of your throat. “You don’t ever shut up, do you?” 

You shudder as his softening cock twitches inside of you, another coal of desire flaring in the pit of your stomach. You flash him a coquettish grin. “Maybe if you give my mouth something to do, you’ll finally get some peace and quiet.” 

Something dark and dangerous flickers within those eyes. You shiver as one hand returns to your throat while the other draws teasing patterns over the outside of your thigh. He draws in close, nips at the shell of your ear and chuckles darkly. “You’re on.”

[saioumaismyserotonin]

Teddy Bear: A Saiouma Fluff

If there was one thing Kokichi enjoyed about being a liar, it was the fact that he could hide anything from anyone. It was a good thing that he was such a great liar, because he had a secret that nobody knew about him. That secret was, that he still slept with a stuffed animal. 

It wasn't a big secret compared to what others secrets were, but it was a big secret to him. Kokichi had a reputation, he was the ultimate supreme leader for crying out loud! Kokichi thought about the secret as he read the invitation from Kaede once again. "Class slumber party tomorrow night in the gym! Boys and girls both invited. Come out for snacks, movies, and truth or dare!" 

Kokichi had to make a decision. He wanted to go, but at the same time he couldn't. Kokichi had never gotten to sleep without his stuffed animal, and he couldn't necessarily bring it with him, he would get made fun of. Kokichi thought more and more about it, then he realized. "Shumai!", He thought to himself. Now he absolutely couldn't bring his stuffed animal, knowing his crush would most likely find out about his secret. It would ruin any chance he had with the detective. 

Anxious, Kokichi rolled over on his side and looked at his small purple stuffed dinosaur. It was a gift from his parents before he started at Hope's Peak, it reminded him of home. Kokichi gave the dinosaur a tight squeeze before falling asleep. He needed a lot of rest before deciding what he would do about the slumber party.

The sun shined brightly on Kokichi's purple locks. Slowly, Kokichi stirred awake and realized that today was the day of his class slumber party. "Maybe I just shouldn't go...", Kokichi said to himself out loud. "But this could be the perfect opportunity to tell my beloved how I feel!", Kokichi stated to himself out loud. He had made up his mind, he was going to sleep at this slumber party and tell Shuichi how he felt without the stuffed animal. Though the slumber party wasn't until later, Kokichi got everything ready now. He gathered everything he may need for the night and paused for a second. He stared at the stuffed animal for a good minute, could he really sleep without it? He picked it up and inspected it, "I don't need it. I'm 17 years old!", he said to himself, before tossing the stuffed animal under his bed. After gathering his things, he placed it in a backpack near his door and started towards the dining hall. 

Eventually he got to the dining hall and was greeted by no one other than his favorite detective. "Kokichi! Good morning.", Shuichi said smiling. "Nihihi! Good morning Shumai~", Kokichi said, smiling brightly back at his beloved. "So, the slumber party is tonight.", Shuichi said, sounding slightly nervous. "Aaah, does my beloved want me to go so I can sleep with him?", Kokichi asked jokingly. "K-kokichi!", Shuichi replied, blushing. "Nihihi! I'll go just for you my beloved!", Kokichi said, walking away from Shuichi. "I did it! I finally told Saihara-Chan the truth!", Kokichi thought to himself, beaming. Kokichi eventually walked back to his room, excited for the night ahead of him.

A few hours passed and Kokichi went to the gym to help with preparations. They set up  separated sides for the boys and girls, and multiple snack stations. This slumber party was gonna be a night to remember for Kokichi, and others.

After about an hour, everything was prepared and it was time for the party to start. One after another everyone started piling into the gym, readying their sleeping bags and other night time necessities. Once everyone was settled in, they began to start their slumber party.

“Thank you so much to everyone who came! I’m so excited to spend this night with all of you!”, Kaede said as she smiled and clapped her hands together. Kokichi has never been close with Kaede sure, but seeing her happy did make him smile a bit. Kokichi looked around until he finally spotted his favorite detective.

“Saihara-Channn!”, Kokichi called out playfully with his hands behind his head. “Kokichi! I’m really glad to see that you’re here.”, Shuichi said smiling. “Nihihi, I never knew that the detective needed me to have a good time.”, Kokichi said slickly, though Shuichi was his beloved, he loved messing with him.

“I just thought it would be cool to...spend some time with you yknow?”, Shuichi mumbled blushing. “I love spending time with you too Shumai!”, Kokichi exclaimed, he was happy that he and Shuichi were having an actual conversation. Time passed, and they were ready to begin the first event of the night they would remember forever.

“Ok everyone first we’re gonna play a mobile game called among us!”, Kirumi said. Kirumi never played games a lot before, so getting to play among us was kind of a big deal for her. Considering the class only had 16 students, they decided to split 8 and 8. Group one including Shuichi, Miu, Kaede, Kaito, Kokichi, Himiko, and Tenko. Whilst the 2nd group was Korekiyo, Angie, Maki, Kirumi, Gonta, Ryoma, Rantaro, and Tsumugi.

“Alright everyone! Be sure to be nice and have fun!”, Kaede smiled. Soon the first game started and Kokichi was imposter. “Nihihi, this game knows me so well” Kokichi thought to himself before proceeding to play the game well. He killed Miu first of course, and then Kaito. Soon enough though, he was found out by his favorite detective. “Nihihi, such a great detective Shumai~”, Kokichi smiled. Though he wanted to win, he couldn’t stop his attraction from the detective seeing through all of his lies.

The night went on like normal, with fun truth or dare to interesting movies. Soon enough though, it was time to go to sleep.

“Ahhhh, goodnight everyone!”, Kaede yawned, she was tired after having so much fun with everyone. “Goodnight, Kaede!”, Shuichi said, he was very tired as well. “Shumai you’re really gonna sleep with that emo hat?!”, Kokichi asked teasingly. “Hahaha, then how about you hold onto it for me?”, Shuichi said smiling, placing the hat on the smaller boys’ head.

“Goodnight Kokichi.”, Shuichi yawned before finally falling asleep. Kokichi eventually tried to fall asleep as well, but when he tried, he had awful awful dreams.

Kokichi’s dream:

“As if you of all people could ever get me to love you!”, Shuichi yelled at Kokichi. “B-but Shumai-“, Kokichi started. “And enough with the stupid nicknames alright?? It’s so annoying”, Shuichi said cruelly. “I-I just thought you and I could b-be together!”, Kokichi exclaimed explaining himself. “Hah! No way!”, Shuichi laughed. “You’re alone, and you always will be.”, Shuichi finished, walking away from a hurt Kokichi.

Back to real life:

“No!”, Kokichi shouted, jolting awake. He looked around him to see Shuichi asleep next to him. “Just a dream..”, He thought to himself as he started looking around for his stuffed animal to help him get to sleep. “Where is it???”, Kokichi thought to himself anxiously, as he had never slept successfully without it. Kokichi then remembered that he had left it in his dorm. “Shit!!”, Kokichi thought. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to get to sleep without it, and that made him nervous. Kokichi stood up and walked outside of the gym and sat in the hallway outside. He felt anxious and afraid. What was he gonna do??

“I could just sleep in my dorm with it and come back in the morning”, Kokichi thought. “But what if someone wakes up and sees I’m gone??” Kokichi was so anxious he began crying and shaking. To make things worse, he didn’t have his dinosaur to calm him down.

Shuichi began to stir awake as he heard small sobs coming from outside the gym. He moved over to the right and saw that Kokichi was no longer next to him. “Kokichi?”, Shuichi mumbled out loud. He stood up and began to look for the small purple haired boy.

Kokichi heard footsteps approaching him as he turned around and saw the tall detective standing over him. “S-Shuichi!”, Kokichi exclaimed in shock, wiping his tears away. “Kokichi? What’s wrong?”, Shuichi said, kneeling down to be on level with Kokichi.

“Nihihi! It’s a lie!”, Kokichi joked. “Don’t worry about me, I was just seeing if my dear Saihara-Chan would worry about me~”, Kokichi said. “Kokichi...”, Shuichi said, growing slightly annoyed with Kokichi. “I know a lie when I see one, what happened?”, Shuichi asked sympathetically.

Kokichi was slightly shocked, did Shuichi really care about him? Could he trust Shuichi enough to tell him his secret?

“O-okay well...”, Kokichi started. “It’s kind of embarrassing.. so you better not laugh!”, Kokichi yelled. “I won’t Kokichi, I could never judge you.”, Shuichi smiled. “W-well it’s just, every night, I usually can’t sleep unless...”, Kokichi trailed off. “Unless..?”, Shuichi asked, being kind of confused.

“Unless I sleep with my stuffed animal! He’s a small purple dragon and his name is Panta, I normally can’t sleep without him.”, Kokichi said, blushing.

Shuichi couldn’t help but stare, he was so hopelessly in love with Kokichi and finding out about his stuffed animal just made him even cuter. “Kokichi...”, Shuichi said gently. “I understand if you think differently of me now okay?! Just... don’t tell anyone else. Okay?”, Kokichi said.

“Kokichi, I would never tell anyone your secret that you trusted me with.”, Shuichi said sympathetically. “However if you don’t mind me asking... Why does this dinosaur mean so much?”, Shuichi asked, trying to learn more about Kokichi.

“I-It just reminds me of home I guess... Back where nobody really hated me, and my lies weren’t as bad you know?”, Kokichi said, slightly embarrassed. Shuichi stared at Kokichi for a moment, as he slowly moved in and planted a gentle kiss on Kokichi’s lips.

“Shu-Shuichi!”, Kokichi exclaimed, slightly taken aback. “I’m sorry it’s just... you’re so adorable Ouma-Kun”, Shuichi said. “Here how about this”, Shuichi proposed. “I can be your dinosaur for the night.”, Shuichi said, smiling at Kokichi.

Kokichi was shocked, he was really offered the opportunity to sleep with his beloved, and he hadn’t laughed at his secret. “O-Okay.”, Kokichi shyly accepted.

The two went back to the gym and laid down on their sleeping bags they had set up earlier. Kokichi placed his face into Shuichi’s chest as Shuichi planted his chin on top of Kokichi’s head. “I-I love you Shuichi.”, Kokichi whispered as he drifted to sleep calmly. “I love you more.” Shuichi stated.

“My teddy bear”, Shuichi said smiling, as he finally fell asleep.

[randompasserbyer]

For the D.I.D meme, 1, 6, 16 and 17

sytfuygihnoi #1 is a big one so I’ll answer the other 3 in another ask lmao

1.  Introduce your headmates/alters. How many are there? What are they all like?

So, there’s 26 of us, give or take 2, so I’ll try to give brief descriptions of everyone in order of when they split. Thank you for asking uwu

Blue is our host. He's the one we all refer to as the owner of the body. His form in the headspace shifts depending on his kinshift, but he’s usually presenting as an Underswap Sans fictive. He uses he/him pronouns a lot but he’s genderfluid and often doesn’t consider himself a man and appreciates being called a woman despite using he/him pronouns. Gender is confusing tyfugihop

Sam is the main protector/gatekeeper of our system. She’s been around the longest, she was the first that Blue was aware of when he noticed the system, and we all kind of look up to her. She’s a “take no shit” type of person and we’re all very grateful for her. She looks like a ghost and I don’t know how else to describe her iohguyfutd

Quadi is our main trauma holder. She rarely fronts and I have zero clue how to describe what she looks like. Nobody ever interacts with her in the headspace because she’s always in her room. If she fronts,, just send her love and support.

Shnep is.. well, I don’t actually know her role, to tell you the truth oiugfyt She looks like Walmart-brand Flame Atronach from Skyrim. She only gets to front if Sam lets her front and it’s a controlled environment. Loves to play videogames tho. Murder Mystery is her favorite cause she gets to let loose.

Watcher is our persecutor. He’s only gotten front, like, twice in the last year but he causes plenty of harm in the headspace. He can shapeshift and the only way we can tell it’s him is that his eyes will stay black. He’s been around just as long as Sam, but you can never find him unless he wants you to. Our protectors are good at keeping everyone safe.

Zane is our sexual protector/trauma holder. He stays in his room as well but we’re free to come visit him at any time. I don’t,, really know?? how to describe him?? He’s another shapeshifter but I personally haven’t interacted with him since I formed so I can’t tell you much ftuhiojn

Viper is a giant skeleton lamia and while I personally quake in fear, he’s a genuine sweetheart and he loves talking to people. He knows broken English but he doesn’t let that stop him. He actually went dormant shortly after forming and nobody knew he even formed until he woke up a year and a half later and everyone went “Huh?????”

Nightshade is an Error Sans fictive. He’s another one of our protectors and he’s really good at his job. To be more specific, he’s an avenger, he helps us deal with our abusers. He’s gotten over his haphephobia for the most part since splitting, though it flares up around strangers and honestly I don’t blame him.

Template is a Template Sans fictive lmao. creative nickname I know XD He’s a middle and Nightshade is fiercely protective of him. He loves to play videogames and draw. Ask him about Spyro or Pokemon ;) He keeps going in and out of dormancy so,, idk when he’ll front again but he always seems to have a good time when he does.

404 is a Blueberror fictive. He’s fairly impulsive and.. yknow, I want to say he’s impulsive, but the guy has so many amnesia barriers about his entire being that I can’t say it for certain. He’s a cryptid. You’ll never see him in the headspace unless you see one of his soft triggers and he has so few of those lmao (Our partner says he’s like Ghostbur but hyper, so take that as you will)

Gold is a Birdtale Sans fictive. He doesn’t like to talk unless you’ve gained his complete trust, or he’s alone. He’s very much a “body language is a universal language and it’s the only language in the universe I know” kind of guy. He tells great puns tho. He’s pretty chill. Apparently he formed like.. years ago?? And Sam had just been blocking him from the main area of our headspace for a really long time??

Squid is our Ink Sans fictive (are you seeing a pattern here? Hyperfixation go brrrr). He’s chaos but he can be pretty down to earth if he wants to be. He’s stuck in a state of constantly missing his old life, though. He loves to draw and leave long supportive chaotic comments on other people’s art. If he can’t draw, he gets anxious.

WDG is our Handplates Gaster fictive. His lab takes up the entire basement of the headspace mansion and half of it is just an entrance to the Void, which only he and Shard can access. He’s very analytical and emotionally and physically distant, but he’s really good at making sure the body is taken care of. He likes to document everything he does and when so it’s pretty easy to see what he did when he fronted. Terrified of his curiosity though, that skeleton loves science way too much.

Shard and Sunshine are a subsystem Shattered!Dream fictive. Sunshine is really sweet but very paranoid and sensitive. Shard is actually both a persecutor and a protector. Kind of a.. “Nobody gets to hurt this system except me” kind of vibe, yknow? He’s been working hard to reform though because he hurt our partner once and felt really bad. He’s come a long way ^^

Viola is an Underswap Sans fictive, but she split from a fanfiction called By the Angel (it’s nsfw if you look it up, but it’s got a great plot lol). She’s actually transgender since her fic has her as he/him and we’re very supportive of her <3 She’s.. I don’t know how to describe her other than she’s got an old soul and a old-fashioned way of speaking. She loves to listen to kulning videos. Swedish culture really vibes with her.

Drake is a fictive from a really old Minecraft roleplay called The Haunted. He’s half Enderman and he can do magic. He’s kind of timid and his anxiety is always through the roof. He gets hella dysphoric when he fronts and often has headaches and we’re?? not sure?? if he’s a subsystem or not??? with Herobrine??????? He won’t tell anyone if he is or not, he just dodges the question.

*inhale* Pinky is a vampire Ink Sans fictive. He’s what would happen if you gave a vampiric opossum a bigger body lmao. He’s incredibly mischievous (and a tad selfish, if you ask me) and likes to cause pranks at the worst times. He adores our partner though.

TB is a Technoblade fictive/factive. Both?? It’s hard to tell with him. He looks like a twunk piglin and behaves like one too. He’s taken on the role of protector recently, though, and he monitors any new splits until we’re sure they’re not going to hurt the body or any relationships with other folks. He likes to talk about piglin culture a lot. (he kins Billiam and it’s entertaining to watch him call everyone peasants and poor when we too are in fact poor)

Phil is our Philza fictive. He’s the dad friend of the system, the caretaker. He takes a very neutral stance on things and will often refuse to step into a fight, but he will try to calm folks down. I can’t tell you how much of a comfort he is. He loves to talk about his past life and his little family, though he gets sad about it sometimes.

Ghost is our Ghostbur fictive. He loves pranks and he’s very sweet. He has so much blue, you would not believe. He’s such a softy and loves to make people smile. He either hangs around TB, Phil, or Theo and he doesn’t usually front alone. He does have Alivebur shifts but he essentially just gets really edgy and depressed in a sort of self destructive way, but he’s still soft. He just tells really wild jokes and he’s a lot more impulsive.

SNL/Space Heater (he doesn’t have a good nickname yet) is our Sapnap factive/fictive. He really enjoys front but he doesn’t really get much done when he fronts tfuygiuhoip He just reads fanfiction lmao. He loves Dadboyhalo and Dreamnap content. He’s a pretty chill guy, doesn’t get into a lot of fights. He just wants to have fun.

Theo is our protege!Tommy fictive. He actually split from the popular fic Rewind and he’s just been.. vibing? He gets along well with Sapnap most of the time but he’s had a lot of trouble warming up to TB, Phil, and Ghost. I think he enjoys front?? He fronts often enough. I don’t know how to describe him except that he’s very Tommy-like lmao

Fakier is our newest split. He’s an ARG Wilbur fictive. He doesn’t like to talk too much about himself but he loves to infodump about codes and cryptic stuff like that. He’s actually done a lot with taking care of the body and taking long walks outside and just, enjoying life. He did leave the windows open on a really cold day tho and our apartment hasn’t been warm since :\ He seems cool, I’m just annoyed that my fingers and toes are freezing off lmao /hyperbole

We’ve had a few integrate over the past two years so it’s hard to keep track of how many there are for sure, but that should be everyone. Sorry for the wall of text dytufibonk Hope you liked the answer tho ^^ I’ll answer the other 3 answers tomorrow in a post together and @ you so you don’t miss them uwu

[yellowocaballero]

I left a yelly comment because it was like 5am and I haven't gotten the time to process yet (i binge studied for two weeks and your fics are the first non-study shit ive read in a long time and the absurdism and philosophy made me so happy). BUT. About TCF. It rang very true in some ways to me, as someone from a 3rd world country because we... we are constantly under crisis. The apocalypse? It happens all the time. There's never money and sometimes theres LESS or theres a coup or a riot and-

And i'm young but i've already lived through one major national crisis that has WRECKED my fam when i was a baby and I'm now the age my parents were last time and I'm living through an even worse socio-politic-economical crash. And I was talking with my dad about this, who lived through a dictatorship and 4 crisis, about how idk how im going to move out or when and i was like "it just feels like the worlds ending" and he laughed and went "the worlds always ending. we just... keep going" (2/)

It's not a special notion, what he said. But. It made me think. About my country and my people and my family and how everyone has lived through so much helplessness and yet they keep choosing when they lack choice. Like, we can barely control our own natural resources or our land or our presidents without external intervention. Imperialism. But yeah, ppl still... fight so much yknow? And they are aware of it. They keep going. And your fics, specially TCF, reminded me of that. (3/)

IM SORRY IM RANTING SO MUCH BUT LET ME PRAISE YOU! your fic (your story, goddamn!) made me think of that. Of my dad. How the world's always ending but people keep going anyways, how they still try to change at least a little bit just because its the decent thing to do, just because why not? It's not about being an individual hero. It's collectivity and organisation and just... facing the storm togheter. Building a shelter. And I know you're asking questions, not solving them but thank you. Truly.

OK IM DONE I DIDNT MARK IT BUT IM DONE!!!! Just... thank you. I'm not a specifically cynic person (nor a faux positive one) but I just... i'm thankful. I'm touched. Hope you have a really nice day. Truly

Yes!! YES!!!

Thank you so much for these asks, and for sharing. I really enjoy hearing how people’s lives and experiences act as a lens through which they read my stuff, and people always have incredibly interesting perspectives. Thank you for sharing yours - it’s really valuable. 

Something that’s always stood out to me in TMA is the resilience of people. Awful, terrible things keep happening to people, and they just get up, dust themselves off, and keep living anyway. Even when it’s hard or not worth it, almost every TMA character makes the decision to live and try to live well. It’s an essential part of being an Avatar, especially for Jon’s arc - that you choose living painfully over dying peacefully. Jon made the decision to hurt others and live instead of die - that’s important! As ol Jonny Sims said, TMA is about those compromises and choices we have to make, when there is no one good answer. 

I believe very firmly that people are REALLY GOOD at surviving! You’re right - no matter how bad things get, or how terrible the situation seems, life goes on. The worlds ends and we wake up the next day. I think this first started hitting me around COVID, and you can tell how dramatically COVID affected my idea of the apocalypse - an apocalypse where everything’s different, where everybody lives in constant fear and misery in a way so different from the way they once did...but hey, we’re living. People are still memeing, still taking care of their kids, still playing with their dogs. People have survived the worst conditions imaginable in life throughout history (as I’m sure you know), and they still somehow got up and did their work. Even on a personal level - I had a conversation with a friend the other day where I remarked about how many times I’ve felt in my life that I can’t handle something, that I can’t do it, that I can’t make it through the next day or do this task or graduate or get this job or whatever. But I always do. Every time I say ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘I can’t handle this’, I always end up waking up the next day anyway. I’ve survived every day I’ve ever had! And I’ve survived some DAYS! Weird how that works out!

Season 5 in TMA is Hell (It is really basically hell, I have feelings on this). People sinned in one of 14 ways, and they’re being punished for all time because of it. But my approach to the apocalypse (written before I started listening to S5), was that it was just a new world. More dangerous, definitely more terrible, way more fear demons, full of monsters and urban fantasy and everything...but a world, where people live, if not thrive. Nobody’s thriving, in Jon’s world - but people are surviving, because not even Jonah Magnus can take that from them. I kind of dislike in S5 how people are just trapped in a nightmare or a dream, it’s so stagnant and perpetual. It’s very scary, but I wanted to build an urban fantasy type world, and it’s important that those worlds feel livable and exciting. The world in TCF, as Helen said, is simply different. Life always seems to get harder, because men like Jonah Magnus turned it into a capitalist hellscape and exploited it for himself, but far worse has happened and we aren’t dead yet!

And Jon, who is the utterly privileged class, who reaps every benefit of capitalism there is, looks at this oppressed world that he created and decides that he doesn’t want or need it. And then he rips the chains from the world and gives it back to humanity. It doesn’t fix everything - but it gives people a fighting chance. Which is all they need.  

Thanks for the ask, and thanks for sharing your story!

[creepypastashavecomittedtaxfraud]

mind if i ask for some good soft stuff w Jeff and Toby? or Ben ! ...or EJ.........or Nina.... I'm sorry I will take literally anything I love ur hcs So Much and also Jeff needs more love uwu ((Gee Jeff how come u get to have so many bfs and a gf))

ILL DO SOME FOR EVERYONE!!! Jeff has50 billion partners we know this

this post got SUPER SUPER long i am so sorry everyonebut these r all like my favorite pairings ever SO…i wanna do them justice. under the cut because of the length!

Jeff x Toby

oh they just Love to mess with eachother and pull pranks on each other. toby especially loves to get at jeff withem. usually ends up making the other one just SO MAD

which then sometimes leads to playfighting .which then might lead to one of them getting pinned to the wall.which might end up in semi-angry makeouts .who knows hehe

parts-of-our-mouths-are-rotting-awaygang . toby likes kissing jeff a lil bit on his exposed teeth cus he thinksit’s funny. jeff acts annoyed by it but it makes him blush a little bit.

they both have the tendency to bekind of self destructive and just in general not doing basic self care stuff. sothey Try to keep a little bit of an eye on each other .they both hate to beover bearing but idk. they just care about each other a lot. And love eachother when they cant love themselves

toby and jeff both can be prettyemotionally explosive , so they try to keep each other as level headed aspossible. distracted and mentally ok so one of them doesn’t completely spiralout of control, though if that were to happen the other one will be there toget a hold of em.

The best way to calm either of themis grabbing a hold of them physically and holding their head in your arms untilthey chill out. Ungraceful maybe but effective and relatively easy.

they’re both pretty troubled, butthey’re trying to get it under control. They’re there for each other no matterwhat.

they like to go up to the humanworld late at night and fuck around. climb on stuff that shouldn’t be climbedon. play in fountains. vandalize shit. that’s date night for them. One day jeffgot ahold of some spray paint and they both went nuts with it, THAT was a goodday

Toby didn’t used to smoke till hemet jeff but now they’re both in it unfortunately aha..jeff kind of regretsgetting him into the habit but not much can be done about it now.

Since meeting Jeff toby’s definitelypicked up his kind of harsh sarcastic humor streak, and jeff’s actually gotten atiny bit nicer, though whether that’s of tobys influence or just the sideeffect of being in love is up for debate. So I guess there was a small exchangethere. They balance out nicely.

they both get beat up and injured alottt on the job, probably the most reckless ones of everyone. despite this,whenever the other one comes home all messed up the other one gets so freakedout and concerned, asking what happened and trying to take care of it. kind ofhypocritical but…they cant help it. 

they really really love each other.they wish they could both be healthier

Jeff x Ben

evenbefore they’re in a relationship they are Very close to each other. So whenthey actually get to dating, you know that’s solid. Nothing can tear themapart.

theywere very much, deeply in love with each other before ever admitting it . theyboth never wanted to say anything in case it ruined their close closefriendship but they both completely gave in eventually

they’rebest friends and best boyfriends at the same time. They’re each othersemotional and mental support. They love and care about each other so much, andare able to take care of each other so well because they so . deeply and intimatelyknow each other already. Yknow from being close for so long already. They reallydo trust each other with everything

it’slike they’re constantly together. They eat and sleep together, spend all daytogether, stay up all night together. It makes them happy, keeps them calm. The longest times they’re apart are when Jeff’s out killing or so injured he has to rest in his own room. 

Jeffhas his periods of really bad depression, and ben makes sure to be there forhim and take good care of him during these times. He’s very very calming andgentle and it keeps jeff calm and safe.

Ben,likewise, has long periods of bad depression too, which jeff helps himthrough. Takes care of him, keeps him distracted and comforted. Keeps himcompany.

Theyreally like to just hold each other and talk each other through things. Theyreally know how to communicate and what the other needs to hear and neverfeel lonely with the other around

Theylike to go out on the roof and smoke weed/cigarettes and kiss, sometimes they talksometimes they don’t. they could spend days alone with just each other.

They’ve known each other longer than they’ve known anyone else who lives there. that bond is special. and honestly, Jeff really is ben’s whole world. ben doesn’t know at all what he’d do without jeff. and jeff doesn’t know what he’d do without ben either. it feels like no one knows them like they know each other.

i guess the one little disconnect they have it ben doesn’t do the regular killing stuff like jeff does. doesn’t really get it. just stays home and does his own thing. sometimes he’s self conscious about it, like since he doesn’t do the same work as everyone else maybe he’s…weaker for it..or something. he doesn’t like to talk about it.

they’ve both been aloneand lonely for so long. Most of their lives really. So now that they have eachother they never ever want to let go

Jeff x EJ

Justas, a first things first, the moment ej sees jeff he already gets such a crushon him right away. It sounds so corny but he thinks jeff’s really the cutestguy he’s ever seen. A real love at first sight moment, even though hedefinitely doesn’t say anything about it at first.

EJ,also, is very much the caregiver type, and jeff desperately needs someone totake care of him, so they are really perfect for each other.

Jeffcan’t help but have a real soft spot for being taken care of , which ej is supposedto be doing for him anyway being the medic and all but still. Since ej’s been basicallyin love with jeff since forever he’s just so extra gentle and caring with himwhenever he’s hurt, it makes Jeff just melt…

I think ej’s very calm comforting level-headed logical personality is the main thing that makes jeff fall so hard for him. While he has other friends who try to help and support him ej actually seems to be the only one out of everyone who isn’t as badly effected by it. like he actually has the mental and emotional capabilities of supporting him. and slowly he just becomes so attached to and dependent on him, and he’s happy to love and support jeff

ej however has his really low points too, which jeff tries to help him through too. he holds ej in his arms and pets his hair or gently pats his back and listens to whatevers bothering him. which is all ej really needs. someone there with him. yknow

ej’svery casually affectionate, Jeff gets plenty of space if he wants but if they happento be around each other he loves to stand behind him and wrap his arms aroundhim, be close to him, touch his hair a little, run the back of his hand overhis cheek…really into light physical affection.

Couplevoted most likely to be caught making out in the closet randomly during the day

Ej isjust so completely in love with jeff, flaws and all, loves giving himattention, talking to him, taking care of him, giving him kisses. It is just embarrassinghow in love he is, even if he tries to only express it in private.

Jeffgets flustered and embarrassed easily with how sweet ej is to him, it stillgets him a little bit pink in the face even after being with him for so long, and tries to reciprocate it too. getting all cuddly and sweet with him when he feels the need to

Jeffloves bringing out ejs more outgoing social side. When they first met he wasvery reclusive and you know, loner-type, but jeff’s very outgoing andcenter-of-attention, so after some encouragement they’re both 100% party boystogether, which ej really needed. Being alone all the time was bad for him

Otherthan all that…They’re very strongly bonded and connected in a way they havetrouble describing. Ej just thinks jeff’s the most perfect man in the wholeworld , and Jeff thinks ej is just. perfect . so understanding and loving and caring and patient. he’s never met someone who puts up with his bullshit so well. and he is in Love

Jeff x Nina

Omg when nina finally gets to see him in person for the first time SHE IS SO EXCITED !!!! Runs up to him and gives him a huge hug, practically scooping him up off the ground !!!

He’s, very stunned at first, but gets his bearings back soon enough

After the initial rushed introduction, he learns why she’s here and he’s actually really flattered?

“You’re here??? For me??? you came all this way here to meet me???”

compliments really are the way to his heart lololol

and while he’s still kind of shocked from the whole thing….she is really cute….so that’s a plus

They spend a long time getting acquainted with each other, but nina naturally probably already knows a lot about him, which really just makes jeff more interested in her 

oh once they actually date for real nina is so happy!!! He’s everything she was hoping for and more!!! the guy of her dreams!!! he’s handsome and protective and cool but also sweet and caring and lets her cuddle up to him!!

Jeff has to come around to the idea first but once they’re dating for real he’s actually really happy too!!! She’s so energetic and sweet. its a much needed brightness to his life, he cant help but kind of fall in love with how affectionate she is. and how absolutely smitten she is with him

at the beginning she is very very clingy, goes everywhere with him,!! and he really does not object. honestly its a bit of an ego boost in addition to how much he really has accidentally fallen for her .

 but she does dial it down after a bit! she’s always just as sweet with him as ever though, as long as he allows it 

she’s actually a tiny bit taller than him, and uses that as an excuse to pick him up a little bit from time to time , which he protests, but she thinks its the cutest thing

she’s a very nurturing type girlfriend, she remembers all the stuff he has to do in a day and is checking in to remember if he’s done it. whenever he’s injured she insists on taking care of him

 EVERYONE notices after they start being together that he’s really cleaned himself up. like he showers regularly??? he’s started brushing his hair??? dressing?? semi-nicely??? he acts the same as ever, he’s just. cleaner. and everyone thinks she’s forcing him to be but actually he’s just started putting more effort in himself to impress his beautiful girlfriend, because he just reasons that she always puts so much care and effort into her appearance he should do, almost the same right?

[tumblunni]

SO! IT is time for Dr Snap headcanons!

* He is autistic like me, because I find a lot of his portrayal very relateable as an autistic person. He's clearly hyperfocusing about monsters, and he gets so super passionate and infodumps about them! And he's very socially awkward and perceived as "weird and childish" by others for being so passionate about his interests and not being good at making the correct facial expressions and stuff. In the Japanese version there's actually even more of that, in English he speaks in a standard formal grandpa style but in Japanese he speaks in oddly stilted childish language and uses the unfitting pronoun "boku" that's usually only used for young kids in fiction. There's also a scene of him literally saying he gets social anxiety in crowds, which was left out in the English translation for some reason. I was surprised to hear about that from my Japanese friends, it makes him even more relateable! And of course, his whole plot is basically the fantasy version of "his only friends are animals because other humans exclude him", which is another relateable mood.

* Also I want the Darkonium Orb as a stim toy, lol! I know it's an evil artifact but a floating ball seems like it'd be super fun to swish around in circles. And I wonder if it's like a crystal or if it's like a squishy stress ball...? I'm getting distracted, lol!

* Since all we know about his backstory is that he had no friends even as a child, I headcanon that he suffered badly from bullying and isolation in his youth that permenantly impacted his ability to trust anyone but monsters. I had the idea that maybe he was also mistreated by his parental guardians for being autistic, and he often used to hear "if you misbehave, the monsters will get you!" It actually backfired and started his love of monsters! He used to dream that the monsters that take away bad kids would take him away from his suffering...

* Oh, and related to this: it's my headcanon that he was raised in an orphanage since a very young age and doesn't know anything about who his parents were. He was just found clutching his baby sister crying and shivering in an abandoned wagon in the woods, full of dead bodies that were assumed to be his family or at least whoever was taking care of him at the time. For a long time it was thought that monsters had killed the family, so that's why the cautionary tale of "monsters coming to get you" was used to discipline him at the orphanage, and why it hit so hard. But when he grew up and became a famous and successful scientist he was able to finance an investigation into his own past and discovered the culprit was actually human bandits. He still could never find out the names of his parents though, but knowing that monsters hadn't been the cause of his tragedy helped him get over his fear of them and eventually learn to love and trust them more than anyone else

* Oh yeah it's also my headcanon that despite how obsessed he is nowadays with the cuteness of monsters, he was actually very frightened of them all the way up until his 20s! The "you're a bad child for these neuroatypical symptoms you can't control, and monsters are gonna get you just like they got your family" thing actually did affect him a lot as a child. He saw it as kind of a guilty or sinful feeling that sometimes he would wish they would just take him already because even the horror of monsters can't be as bad as the horror of people, yknow? But he was still too scared of them to ever really interact with them at all, and believed whatever he was told about them cos he had no other frame of reference. He also felt rather aimless in life because he hadn't discovered this thing he would love so much, yknow? He flittered through loads of different hobbies getting temporarily obsessed but never finding anything that stuck with him. Bit of a jack of all trades!

* oh btw I headcanon his first name is Jack, lol! To fit with the playing card theming of the game. Also his younger sister is named Jacqueline and she became known as Jack Of Hearts as a famous adventurer~!

* Oh also I headcanon that he has a sister, lol. Should have mentioned that earlier! The game never tells you anything about the player's mother except that she died, so I headcanoned maybe she was Dr Snap's sister and he's your uncle literally just because I like Dr snap a lot and I want him to adopt the player and take him away from his shitty dad. Like man you know you're a shitty dad when the main villain of the damn game has more scenes of positive parental interaction with your son! (ANOTHER REASON WHY DR SNAP TURNING BAD AND DYING WAS SO SAD)

* His sister was very similar to the protagonist as a child, a punky outgoing stubborn badass who wouldnt listen to rules and wouldn't take any shit from anyone! Even though she was his younger sister, she would always be the one protecting her shy older brother from bullies! She was his dearest only friend in such a tough life...

* Sadly, she was considered "more adoptable" since she was neurotypical. Young Snap blamed himself that he was holding her back from finding a new family, because she always refused anyone who didn't want to take her brother too. He thought it would be better if at least one of them escaped the orphanage, so he eventually convinced her to leave him and go with a nice family. And then he didn't see her again for decades, and he didn't have a single other friend...

* The instigating incident that caused him to first become a monster research was because of this. He didn't have a good life after losing his sister, he eventually just aged out of the foster system without ever being adopted, and had trouble living independently and finding a job with his limited skills of Just Hyperfocusing On Random Stuff And Not Being Able To Talk Good. Nobody really valued him enough, he was just considered strange and all his attempts to research various things (I think before monsters he liked butterflies a lot) were considered creepy and useless because he was so lower class and could never afford to get a proper scientific education to actually do anything with his skills. So he ended up flitting about between jobs that he would keep failing cos of his lack of social skills, having no time to do the hobbies he cared about and being told he could never make a job out of them. And having no family or friends and living in terrible conditions. He didn't have any hope left in life...

* So one day he ended up making a sad decision to end it all, after being fired from yet another job and just not having the strength to keep trying when it seemed like this would be every day of the rest of his life. He went out into the woods to take some sleeping pills and pass away where he wouldn't be bothering anyone. But by a stroke of fate he ended up bumping into a monster!

* Because he'd already made his peace with dying, he didn't have any fear if it killed him here. But instead this titanic beast simply stumbled to the ground and desperately clutched at a pile of broken eggs. It had already been fatally wounded by a hunter, and only wanted to try and protect its children from the same fate. Dr Snap remembered his child self clutching his baby sister to protect her from the bandits, and he was so moved that he tried to save the poor creature! But his limited skills learning science only from books meant he wasn't much use. And all he even knew was how regular animals work, which could end up only hurting a monster! Plus he was in the middle of nowhere with no supplies!! He tried his best but he was completely out of his depth, and all he could do in the end was hold the poor thing and stroke its head as it passed away. And as the tears streamed down his face, they landed on the one still living egg that the monster was protecting. It hatched into twins who would be his first of many monster partners!

* So he rushed home carrying these lil newborns and desperately took care of them. He began researching monsters in order to look after them properly, and found that he was totally sfascinated by them and also it was the one thing he was truly talented at that he'd always wanted to find! Having a family to take care of was what he really needed to find a reason to live again, and he was also able to finally make a career out of his monster research and find enough success to live more comfortably. He even ended up inventing the monster scout ring and founding an entire company all about mosnter battle tournements! And this led to him finding his sister again, because she heard news of this and recognised him. They reunited as adults and rebuilt a happy relationship, and she was overjoyed to hug her new lil monster nieces and nephews!

* So yeah he has a lot of reasons to love monsters a lot and see them as the embodiment of goodness that deserves everything in the whole world. And after his sister passed away he was left alone with his monsters again, terrified of losing more family, and slipping deeper into the madness of those forbidden legends that could give his monsters eternal happiness...

* also I think he likes tea, it would be nice to have a fancy tea party with him and his monsters

* also he is a good man who didn't deserve to die

[video-killed-the-radio-host]

Heartbeats on the Airwaves chapter 5

As always, for @acealex-blueiguana

Cecil had to stay in the hospital for a week and a half, to make sure the wound healed properly and wasn’t infected. He slept a lot because the exhaustion of his job is finally catching up with his over worked body. Carlos spends a good chunk of his free time in Cecil’s room, making small talk, cuddling and exchanging small kisses.

They shared dinner most nights, unless Carlos got called away. Carlos managed to sneak away and picked up Chinese.  Now, Carlos sat cross legged and barefoot at the foot of Cecil’s bed, listening to Cecil go on about how much he hates his brother-in-law. Carlos smiles a little. This man was an absolute dork, but Carlos was completely smitten. He sets his chopsticks down in the container and then sets it aside, pulling Cecil’s feet into his lap, rubbing small counter-clockwise circles around the ankles. Which were quite boney.

“What are we going to do for our first date?” He asked randomly.

Cecil gives noise that was basically a purr and opens his eyes.

“Nothing to fancy. Because a good time isn’t based on how much money you spend.”

“I could cook for you.” Carlos suggests. “Since your birthday is next week.”

“How did you-oh god. Right there!” Cecil groans as Carlos presses his thumb into the arc of Cecil’s foot.

Carlos chuckles. “I read your chart. I also know you have a wheat allergy. And that your middle name is Gershwin.”

“Now hold on- “Cecil keens again, arching his back a little as Carlos begins to rub the lower part of Cecil’s left leg before switching to the right.

“Hm?”

“You know so much about me and I hardly know anything about you.”

“Well, my middle name is Fernando, my birthday May 20th and I’m allergic to cats. Which I assume you have because the first time we met you ran into me and then I was sneezing like crazy all day.”

Carlos smiles at the memory but Cecil’s face fell.

“Oh.”

“Hey. Don’t worry about it. I take Claritin. Because I can handle it and I would hate to stop seeing you, as we are now dating and all.”

“You’ll have to meet him sometime.”

“What if he hates me?”

“Then it’s not going to work out. I can’t date anyone my cat doesn’t trust.”

Carlos nods. “I can respect that. I hope I’ll make a good impression.”

“I’m sure he’ll love you as much as I do.” Cecil muses before his eyes go wide and one hand clapped over his mouth. “Shit. Sorry. I know it’s still way early and- “He kind of shrinks back a little.

Carlos reaches out, a tad concerned. “Cecil? Are you okay?” He asked softly.

Cecil nods quickly. “I’m alright. Just lost control of my mouth for a moment is all.”

Carlos reaches out and takes his hand, giving a careful and gentle squeeze.

“You meant it?”

Cecil looks up at him. “I do.”

“That’s good. Because I love you too.”

Cecil's mouth dropped open and he was stunned silent. Carlos chuckles again and shifts to his knees, leaning up to kiss Cecil’s lips. Cecil was speechless. Cecil “I talk for a living, so I don’t do shut up” Palmer was silent. It was a bit jarring.

“You’re adorable.” Carlos grins before sitting back down.

“You broke me.”

“I do apologize. But I am a doctor so I’m sure I can fix what I broke.”

“I do believe I’m entitled to compensation.” Cecil gives a small smile.

Carlos raises an eyebrow. “I’m sure we can work something out.”

Before Cecil could answer, Carlos kissed him once more and then kisses his forehead. “Are you wanting to do that interview?”

“I had completely forgotten about it.” Cecil admits. “But sure. Not like I have anything better to do at the moment.”

Carlos opens his mouth to retort but Cecil gives him a look and he shuts his mouth with a laugh.

“You need to behave Dr. Mendez.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about Mr. Palmer.”

“Mhm. Hand me my bag please?”

Carlos gets up and picks up the satchel that Dana had dropped off earlier. Its bag was covered in pins and patches ranging from pride to Star Trek. It was very Cecil. He hands it over and watches as Cecil opens it and digs through files and papers before pulling out a recorder.

“Here we are.” Cecil holds up the silver recorder triumphally.

“Anything else?” Carlos asked as he settles back down at the foot of the bed.

“Nope. Let’s begin.”

Cecil slipped into a professional personality easily, despite being in a hospital gown and hooked to multiple machines.

“I’m here with Mercy Eastern’s Chief of Surgery, Dr. Carlos Mendez. I’ve been told you have big news for the viewers?”

“I do.” Carlos smiles, seeming a bit nervous for some reason.

Cecil reaches over and takes his hand, giving a gentle squeeze.

“What is your news?”

“Originally the Crystal Storm Foundation was for teenage and single mothers to get help so they can get back on their feet, but as of February 13th, this Wednesday, we will be extending our reach to women who cannot conceive and working with surrogates to provide them with the family they cannot produce themselves. We believe everyone deserves a chance to be a family.”  The words seemed to be pouring out now.

Cecil couldn’t help the smile that spreads across his lips. He loved how passionate Carlos seemed when talking about helping others. His eyes light up and hold a love for people.

“We also will be helping children in the system to find forever homes. Everyone should have someone to love them.”

Cecil nods a little, his eyes starting to sting a little. Carlos stopped talking and reaches out for his hand.

“Cecil? Is something wrong?”

“No. No. Nothing is wrong. It’s just…. you are so amazing. I’m so lucky to have met you. I- “He pauses, reaching over to turn off the recorder before continuing. “Carlos, words usually come easily to me. That’s why I do what I do.” He pauses and looks away, only to have Carlos reach over and take his hand.

“But?”

Cecil looks back over. “But you make me speechless. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know why. I’ve dated before. But this is different. You are different.”

Carlos gazes at him for a moment. “I’m…. I’m amazing because you make me want to be amazing. You have this way of making people want to be better. You inspire me with your raw passion and loyalty to your work.”

Cecil was openly crying now, and Carlos panicked.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry! I’m sorry!”

Cecil gives a watery laugh. “You.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“What about me?”

Cecil tugs on his hand. “Hold me. I’m tired.”

“Yes sir.” Carlos smiles a little and cleans off the bed before getting up.

-----.-----

The next week went by in a blur and before Carlos knew it, it was Cecil’s birthday.  He wasn’t sure what to get as a gift but suddenly, he just knew. He ran out and bought the supplies before hurrying home and getting to work.

The day passed by fairly quickly and soon it was six o’clock. He slides the lasagna into the oven and moved to answer the door. Cecil stands on the other side, wearing what he wore on the news that night, with his hair pulled back into an elegant braid. His glasses slipped down his narrow nose a little and Carlos smiles fondly.

“Hey beautiful. Happy Birthday.” Carlos steps back after pressing a chaste kiss to Cecil’s lips. Cecil follows him to the kitchen.

“I wasn’t sure if you drank red or white, so I brought both.” Cecil says as he sits down the paper bag he was carrying.

“I’m not to picky. Which do you prefer?”

“My favorite is Arbor Mist, the raspberry one but where I went didn’t have any, so I got Pinot Grigio and Rosé.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure we can make do.” Carlos leans against the counter with an easy smile.

“I have been told I’m pretty easy to satisfy.” Cecil comments.

Carlos raises an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

Cecil’s eyes go wide, and his face, ears and neck flush a bright red as he struggles to answer. Carlos laughs.

“Yknow, you made that exact same face when we first met.”

“Please don’t bring that up. I have to deal with both Dana and Earl teasing me about it.” Cecil wines a little and buries his face in his hands.

Carlos crosses the kitchen pulls him close. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You have a cute blush.”

“You are annoying. You know that?” Cecil says, his voice muffled where he tucked his head into the crook of Carlos’ neck.

“You love it.”

“Yeah.” Cecil presses a kiss to Carlos’ neck. “I do.”

Before Carlos could answer, his pager went off in the living room. He tightens his hold on Cecil with a groan. He wasn’t on call tonight!

“Do you need to go?” Cecil asked, pulling away a little.

“I can have someone else get it.”

“What if they need you?”

Carlos rubs a hand over his face. He knew Cecil was right, but he didn’t want to leave. Cecil takes his hand.

“Hey. It’s okay. Go.”

“But- “

“I’m used to spending my birthday alone. We can reschedule.”

The words made Carlos’ heart hurt.

“You have lives to save.”

Carlos nods. “I know.” He kisses the center of Cecil’s palm. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Be safe.”

“I will.” Carlos promises, turning the oven off and taking the pan out. “You can eat if you want. It’s wheat free.” He says, kissing him once more before moving into the bedroom to put his shoes on.

 Carlos finally gets home around eleven to find Cecil asleep on the couch with Stark Trek: The Next Generation playing quietly in the background. Half a glass of Rosé sits on the coffee table but both the lasagna and the cake are untouched. Cecil’s purple glasses sat crooked on his face and his clothes were rumpled enough for Carlos to assume that he’d been asleep for at least an hour. Carlos quietly sits down the bottle of Arbor Mist-raspberry of course- on the coffee table and kneels down beside the couch. He had to go to three different stores to find it, but he didn’t mind. He brushes back Cecil’s bangs and kisses his forehead. Cecil stirs a little before snapping awake and jerking upright.

“No!” He gasped, making Carlos fall back.

“Cecil?” He asked.

Cecil looked around before his eyes landed on Carlos and him visibly relaxed. “Oh. Carlos. You’re back.” He smiles.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just a bad dream is all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not tonight.” Cecil shudders. “What time is it?”

“Eleven ten.” Carlos picks himself up off of the floor. “I know it hasn’t been the best birthday, but we still have fifty minutes we can salvage.”

“Sorry I fell asleep. I wanted to wait up for you.”

“I don’t mind. It was a cute sight to come home to. I got you something.” Carlos says, handing over the bottle.

“Where did you find this?!? Everyone is sold out!”

“I just got lucky I guess.”

The truth was that he drove two towns over to find it, but Cecil didn’t need to know that.

“Thank you.”

“There’s one more thing.”

“Oh?”

“Wait here.” Carlos instructs, going to his room and getting the box and returning to the couch.

Cecil takes it with a curious expression and opens the box. Nestled in silver tissue paper is the vest that Carlos had ripped when Cecil had gotten shot. It was cleaned and repaired, with a red flannel heart sewn onto the left side, over his heart.

“One of the holes was to big to fix so I improvised with one of my own shirts.” Carlos admits, rubbing the back of his head.

Cecil looks at him, a gentle expression on his face. “I love it.”

Carlos kissed him once. “Happy Birthday Dearheart.”

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

CECIL’S CAKE RECIPE!!!

Okay so I’m from the south and the best damn cake ever is called a hummingbird cake. It’s been in my family for literally forever. And now y’all have the recipe.

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3 large eggs, beaten

11/2 cups vegetable oil

vanilla extract(as much as you feel is right)

1 (8-ounce) can crushed pineapple, undrained

2 cups chopped bananas

1 cup chopped pecans

Shortening

Cream cheese frosting

1/2 cup chopped pecans

How to Make It

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°. Whisk together flour and next 4 ingredients in a large bowl; add eggs and oil, stirring just until dry ingredients are moistened. Stir in vanilla, pineapple, bananas, and 1 cup chopped toasted pecans. Spoon batter into 3 well-greased (with shortening) and floured 9-inch round cake pans.

Step 2

Bake at 350° for 25-30 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes our clean. Cool cake layers in pans on wire racks 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks, and cool completely (about 1 hour).

Step 3

Place 1 cake layer on a serving platter. Spread 1 cup Cream Cheese Frosting over cake layer. Top with second layer, and spread 1 cup frosting over cake layer. Top with third cake layer, and spread top and sides of cake with remaining frosting and pecans.

I also like to mix coconut into the frosting

frosting is optional and the pineapple can be substituted with cherries

[bluezombiejesus]

05x08 thoughts (haw yee)

Ngl I’m not as excited for this episode as I was for last week’s or Limbo (tbh I don’t think I’ll ever be as hyped for an episode as I was with Limbo), but I’m still rlly looking forward to Ben Whitehair and seeing Pandora take the spotlight for once (I think Lydia breaks her nose this episode)

Oh my god they’re discussing cat videos

“We only used the internet to order guns” oh my god

10k is a dog person confirmed (+ Addy is a cat person confirmed)

Warren’s time with cooper has done her well

“She’s a natural leader. That’s what you want in battles” takes one to know one

I want Addy to poke mE with that Z Whacker ugh. The dream.

10k’s hook I’m

How does Addy’s hair stay so perfectly placed?? How much time did that take??

“I love it when she says that” ME TOO

“Hey hey hey don’t hurt them” gives me Lucy vibes I’m hurting

Doc ex machina (my “doc is god” post is hella relevant rn)

OK BUT WHY IS SHE DRESSED LIKE A COWGIRL

Doc calling Addy “pumpkin” is my aesthetic

I get that Pandora’s mean but she’s also hot lEAVE ME ALONE

I wanna hear 10k say “yee haw” before the episode is over

OH MY GOD THE GUY WITH THE BRAINS OUT REMINDS ME OF WALLY

(Wally’s a ghost Keith played as in Wizards of Waverly Place. He said bad brain puns and had his brains out under his hat. God that CGI was terrible)

I’ve known Charlie for 2 seconds yet I already love him lmao

George mourning Dante is top notch. This scene was absolutely great. The hug revitalized me.

Addy suddenly being borderline anti-human is,,,something. I think it’s a great twist but it’s one

The bond between Warren and George has lasted only a season but it’s so special and well-done.

“I’m willing to die for a better world” BETTER NOT BE FORESHADOWING. I’M WATCHING YOU Z NATION. DON’T YOU DARE.

THE “steam blowing out of the ears effect was” so fuckin surreal what the fuck was that

eW HOW DO THEY MAKE IT LOOK SO GROSS

“It hurts like a bad mother” shshhs

SHE FOUND FINN. OH WOW THEY HAVE A HISTORY APPARENTLY

I’LL SAY IT AGAIN: I WISH THAT WAS ME AT THE OTHER END OF THAT Z WHACKER

Ohhhh shit what’d he do

“Unbutton your shirt” what?? Does he have like a bunch of murphy-style bitemarks or???

OH. THEY’RE TOGETHER

Everyone’s freakin out about Addy not having a gf but tbh I can accept it.

Him calling her Sundance is rlly cute ngl

Doc looking rlly exasperated/shook while 10k drinks,,,whatever that was,, is so perfect

Oh wait it was alcohol??

“No I’m just a terrible doctor” LMAO

Ohhh that’s where “Sundance” comes from.

Charlie is a mood.

Oh it’s not brains???

AHAHAH DOC AND 10k

10k saying “grape shmuckers is my current favorite thing”

Finn is highkey hot. Everyone is hot. MY BI ASS CAN’T TAKE ALL OF THESE ATTACKS

dID HE JUST DROP SRIRACHA ON HIS HEAD.

Yee haw 🤠

Doc and 10k being decked out in cowboy gear just for the sake of being extra is everything to me

I swear that shot of 10k looking for the talker that was in the background reminded me of a meme but I can’t remember which...

UGH SHE’S MEAN BUT,,,YKNOW

George sweet talking that talker and then knocking his ass to the ground. Whhahshs my heart

AHAHA THEY FOUND PANDORA

HE’S SO FUCKIN DRUNK

MUSCLE NO

SHE JUST GOT F L U N G I’M CACKLING

DAD DOC COMIN TO SAVE THE DAY.

OH MY GOD HER MASK GOT KNOCKED OFF

She seems to be really shook by what’s inside. Tbh I was rlly hoping to see that side of her face. My guess is that it’s either eaten or burnt off

Them splitting a bizkit is lowkey cute lol

Her smile at “whoever killed him” concerns me

I was trying to avoid it but the hostility between George and Addy genuinely hurts me. I expected them to get along. Like I get the fact that it’s supposed to provide conflict and opposing views but,,,ow.

For a second I thought 10k was singing lmao

cHARLIE

cHARLIE NO

HE WAS SO PRECIOUS OW

THis part was so pure. Nothing kills me more than bittersweetness. Fr that shit has me bawling like a whole baby.

They’re all singing for him!!!! I’m crying!!! I got genuine tears in my eyes

Charlie was the best boy. We never deserved him.

The Water Keepers!! I can’t wait to see the Native Americans

Muscle is lowkey cute aww

SIS YOU BETTER!!! LEAVE FINN ALONE!!

The Phantom Limb syndrome conversation reminded me too much of @adolescenthowell ‘s fic and “the seven Murphys”

WARREN CALLING 10K “BABY BOY” MY HEART

“WE WERE NOWHERE NEAR THE GRAND CANYON” MAKES A COMEBACK

I was typing this so I didn’t see it but according to my sister Addy was shaking her head too. Aw.

PANDORA GODAMMIT

As much as I hate to admit it Finn is probably gonna die this episode

Warren addressing a Talker so casually is so fuckin cute??

awww she hugged her

“Think I’ll see a white light” is a cruel thing to do to me after my sister said “he kinda reminds me of Mack” JESUS I ALMOST HAD A STROKE

HOW DARE THEY MAKE ME ATTACHED TO THESE TWO ONLY TO KILL FINN OFF

I SAW IT COMING BUT IT STILL HURTS

Oh wait he’s fine

This is like that “Little meow meow” vine lmao

Ohhh that’s why Anny and Keith are together in the “that’s a wrap!” Photo. She goes back to limbo eventually!!

YAY THEY’RE FRIENDS

This was a good end

Doc taking care of his kid is so cute!!!

DID HE JUST GET FUCKING SHOT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

wOAH WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

“I feel old. And kinda stoned” LMAO

OH MAN THIS EPISODE IS GONNA BE A LITERAL ACID TRIP ISN’T IT

[stardust-revengers]

okay yknow the drill for this: steve, Bucky and Peter (separate hcs) with the trope "from friends to lovers"

Yeet okay Steve: -okay we all know steve is like the mom friend -so he is definitely your shoulder to cry on whenever you need anything -he has always been there for you and constantly worries about you even when things are fine -you had developed a crush on him a loooong time ago -but he is so “the team comes first I don’t have time for dating” kinda guy -you pushed your feelings aside -but since you two got closer and closer you couldnt help your feelings for him -one day, it was a bad day, you lost a battle with the avengers and everyone was just not in a good mood-when Steve walks into room and sits on your bed and does the whole “do you wanna talk about it”-he didn’t even neeed to say anything when tears rolled downs cheeks but were you crying because you lost? Because life sucks? Or is it because you were madly in love with this guy and he couldn’t see it? -Steve would pull you closer and you’d cry into his chest -next thing you know you guy’s lips were on each other’s it happened so quick but it felt so right -but once you realized you pulled away ashamed -wanting to explain to him that it was okay if he didn’t feel the same way and you guys wouldn’t have to talk about this again but he cut you off with another kiss -then to your surprise captain America himself asked you out on a date :’)Bucky: (Imma change this one cuz I got an idea I hope it’s okay) -first meeting Bucky he gave you the cold shoulder -he didn’t talk to you at all, so you just assumed he hated you -you get that he has gone through hell so it’s hard for him to make friends -but you kept constantly asking him if he needed anything as in a friend you were there for him but of course he brushed you aside -you had enough to the point you two were eating breakfast and he walked away the second you can into the kitchen -you yelled at him asking what the hell you did for him to act like you were a plague -he just stood there confused and shocked -“I walk away from you because I think your amazing, sweet and adorable and so many other things, and I’m afraid that if I get closer to you I will fall for you but it’s too late I already did and I don’t want to hurt you I’m the world dangerous solider I don’t want to hurt you y/n” -now it was your turn to be shocked because holy shit the dude you had a crush on and you thought he thought of you as a dead animal just literally confessed his feelings to you -you took to steps and met his lips with yours in a passionate kiss and embrace Peter: -sucks to be in love with the cute nerdy kid in schools who just so happens to be your best friend -all that changed one day when you,ned,and peter where at lunch and playing a game of “who would I date” -it was your turn and ned asked you if you would date flash -“ew of of course he is a asshole” -ned knew what he was doing he knew you and peter have been best friends forever and he knew you two were in love with each other and he knew that his plan was in motion -“oh okay y/n then who do you look for in a s/o”-nit knowing what he was doing and being embarrassed because damn your dream guy ‘peter Parker’ was right next to you your best friend was waiting for you to explain who you’d wanna date when in reality it was him -“someone adorable,yet hot, kind,caring,smart,a dork because I’m one,compassionate,and a shoulder to cry on”-looking right into Peters eyes after saying so he wants clueless he knew you described him -you both leaned it for a small peak of a kiss but it was enough for him to do that cute adorable smile you loved -“y/n will you possibly maybe wanna go out with me it’s fine if you d-don’t I- ju-just-“-you cut him with another kiss this time sweet simple,passionate but so loving. -ned in the background like “FUCK YEAH OTP”:’)

[desmondbeaumont-blog]

nightmares

@artisticfade

too uncreative to name this a real name. but it’s basically sam and des talking about nightmares.

trigger warnings: nightmare talk, death talk, hints of sexual assault 

Sam: -wakes up from a nightmare and immediately hops up from the couch, rushing down the hall, stubbing his foot on the way, and peeking into des's room to check on him. Is surprised to find him awake- oh... hey... you okay?

Des: -Des startles when his door suddenly opens, peering at Sam in surprise- Er...yeah. Are you okay? You're pale. -He doesn't think twice before patting his bed. He doesn't know what's going on with Sam lately but he has to admit it's kind of nice to have him back again-

Sam: -he hesitates a long moment, for obvious reasons, like the fact that he hasn't been in des's room in years, but he slips in anyway, awkwardly, self-consciously, running his hands through his messy blond hair, biting his lower lip- I'm good, I'm good, no worries.... -the lie is not smooth enough and he winces, but comes over to the bed anyway, flopping down onto the bed in a curled up position on his side- your couch really sucks..

Des: -he scoots over to give Sam more room, closing his laptop from when he was watching a film- Sorry, mate. You can sleep here if you want. -He shrugs nonchalantly, though his heart stutters at the prospect- Or you can go home. You don't have to stay here if you don't want.

Sam: Shut up.. -sam closes his eyes at the suggestion of going home. Of course that's not gonna happen, if sam could sleep better at his own place, he wouldn't have come here at all in the first place, not that he could ever tell des that. He pauses a moment- you ever get nightmares, des? -images of them all dying, being torn to pieces, race behind his eyes-

Des: -he frowns at the question. He could lie like he has to everyone else, hiding the fact that for the past year he's been having frequent nightmares that leave him gasping for breath. He doesn't want to lie to Sam though. Hes just starting to get him back. so, he puts away his laptop and scoots down to lay beside him- yeah. a lot actually. why?

Sam: -sam's eyes flutter open and he watches des just lie next to him, suddenly wondering if maybe the nightmares aren't only just him, if maybe they're all having bad dreams and he's not going crazy all by himself- really? You are?? About what, what do you dream about -he tries to keep it hidden, but the intensity is leaking into his sleep deprived eyes-

Des: -Des is okay with admitting he has them but he doesn't want to go into details, because he hates thinking about them, but he sees the desperation in sam's eyes, like he needs to know the answer. so he takes in a shaky breath and looks up at the ceiling in thought- i don't know. most of the time i can't remember. i just wake up panicking. the glowing helps me calm down. -he explains- But sometimes it's just like...hands all over me, but the person doesn't have a face.assuming this is after the festival or during)

Sam: -Sam turns and shifts onto his back, locking his eyes onto the ceiling so he doesn't have to maintain eye contact, because now there's real fear in Sam's heart, but when des starts describing stuff, his emotions get all mixed... des is not having the same sort of dreams that Sam is having... sam is still alone- oh I see... too many people around you? Dreams about being pulled apart?? - he pauses- do you ever like... dream about the others?(Also yes, after festival

Des: -he looks over at Sam with concern written all over his features. it's obvious he's asking for his own sake and after what happened with jude and imogen, he wonders if it's all connected- well, it's more like dreams about one person. are you having dreams about the others?

Sam: No. -his answer is quick and curt, his eyes hardening and refusing to look at des now- I'm not, we're not-- I thought we were talking about you.. -he chuckles a little, mirthlessly, aware that des is watching him-

Des: But why are you asking me about nightmares? -des asks carefully, trying to tread carefully to not set off sam. he averts his gaze to put less pressure on sam, playing with his blanket idly- look, i know things between us have been a mess these past years, but you can still tell me anything, yeah? i've been so shit to you, and i'm sorry, but i still care. i won't judge you.

Sam: I... don't know, can't I just ask about things? -it bothers him how much des picks up whenever they're around each other and even though he's starting to feel bad about hiding things from him and everybody, he still feels like it's necessary- des, don't. You... haven't been shit. Things just happen sometimes and people stop getting along. But you know I didn't... I mean I don't mean any of that stuff I said...

Des: You can. It just seems like you've got something specific in mind. -Des murmures, deciding not to push it further. Of course, he wanst to know what's going on with Sam, but he doesn't want force it out of him. It'd only make him resent him, which is the last thing he wants. Des tears his gaze from the ceiling and blinks at Sam in surprise- You didn't? Then why did you...? -He pauses with a shake of his head- We're really fucking stupid, you know that, right? If we had just bloody talked to each other, we might have fixed this ages ago.September 25, 2017

Sam: -sam doesn't answer, the truth squirming in his chest uncomfortably. He doesn't want to explain his powers, he doesn't want to scare des, tell him he can see the future and oh by the way, he has also been dreaming of everyone dying. It's not fun. Again Sam feels des's eyes on him but he doesn't return the look, simply shrugging- I don't know... I get really caught up in things and it frustrates me and you keep... we keep making things hard for each other. I feel like I try to talk to people about things but they're never satisfied with what I'm saying. Like nobody trusts me, why should I trust them? -he sighs- I'm... sorry we keep fighting though. It's not really what I want

Des: -des nods in understanding, unable to help but feel guilty. sam's behavior makes a lot more sense know, considering he isn't feeling heard . des knows that he's definitely a culprit of doing the same thing to him, too caught up on the fact that sam was mad in general and getting defensive about it- I'm sorry too. -he murmurs- I was unfair to you. I was so quick to shoot you down instead of hear you out, and I don't want to do that to you...I miss you. -He admits-a lot more sense now*

Sam: -the last sentence sort of throws sam a little bit and his eyes falter and flick around the room unsteadily. part of him wants to look over at des now, but most of him is worried he's going to start crying or some shit and he really cannot break down right now, he has to be strong. for des-  you really.. dont need to apologize, desmond. i've been an ass, i know i have, i just... i have my reasons, yknow? i dont know how to go into things without going into them, but i have things under control now. -which is only partially true, as evidenced by the way his voice shakes a bit. he pauses a moment before nudging des's arm- hey now, we're getting way too mushy. -he ought to change the subject quick- have you been in here working on school?

Des: -by the shakiness of sam's voice, it's obvious that he doesn't have things under control, and des really wants to dig deeper to find out what's really going on. all he can hope is that sam will come to him when he's ready, which goes against all of his instincts, because he's not patient. he blinks in surprise at the nudge, giving sam a weak smile before shrugging- no. just watching a film. i couldn't sleep.

Sam: You couldn’t sleep? -that sounds oh, so familiar. he doesn’t want to push the subject but at the same time, a nagging voice in the back of his head is wondering if maybe des is having the same sort of nightmares too. something in sam is desperate to find someone, anyone, in their group who might be going through what he’s going through. so far, no such luck- not been sleeping well? are you.. i mean.. do you wanna talk about it? i read a book once one interpreting dreams, maybe i can help. -he chuckles a bit, reciting the complete lie- 

Des: -des averts his gaze to his sheets, fiddling with them idly as he debated whether to tell sam or not. it seemed a bit unfair to be opening himself up when sam is diverting the subject away from his old problems, but the temptation is there. admitting it aloud makes it real though, and des isn't sure he can handle that- so you're an expert now? -des asks with a weak laugh- there's not much to talk about, i guess. just have bad dreams a lot. maybe whatever happened that beach fucked with my head.

Sam: -at des’s admission, sam actually does turn and look straight at him, his eyes bright and clear and wide. he’s still hesitant to tell him anything of his own issues, but knowing des is going through nightmares also leaves him feeling… mixed emotions. on one hand, he’s not as alone as he thought maybe he was. on the other, no one deserves the kind of turmoil their going through- i have bad dreams a lot too. -he nods slightly. his throat starts burning with untold secrets- i haven’t slept well either. not for… a while… maybe what happened at that beach fucked with all of us. i know you and jude and everybody think it’s great but i just… i don’t -he looks down-

Des: -des’ gaze snaps to sam, surprised by his willingness to open up. it’s his first step towards admitting that something happened to him that night too, a stark contrast to the time they argued about it in Brighton- im starting to see the cons now. -he admits with a quiet laugh, still upset about hurting imogen- but hey, i’m sorry about pushing you to talk back in brighton. just...if you ever want to tell me your side of what’s going on, i’ll listen, yeah? i want to be here for you too.

[hatchibomitar]

1-70

alright this has been sitting here for like a month and im tipsy so im gonna fkin answer it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

i have a great relationship with my mom!!

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my girlfriend 😊😊😊😊❤❤

03: Do you regret anything?

oh sure i do! lots of little things. that’s anxiety babey. but i don’t regret any choices that have got me to where i am today

04: Are you insecure?

it depends on the day, i am some of the time - but it’s a huge improvement from the past omg

05: What is your relationship status?

in a RELATIONSHIP with the LOVE OF MY LIFE 

06: How do you want to die?

i do Not like this question ! goodbye thot

07: What did you last eat?

salsa chicken and rice, and zucchini!!!!! and i might annihilate a pint of ice cream later

08: Played any sports?

yes omg i played soccer and lacrosse!!! i love lacrosse sm.

09: Do you bite your nails?

nope i never have! i used to rip them off though lmfao! not the whole thing!!!!! jsust bits

10: When was your last physical fight?

never lmao

11: Do you like someone?

yes

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no oh my goodness i would literally die

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

sober kaiden might be all dramatic and say yes but white claw kaiden says No :-)

14: Do you miss someone?

yes :( i want to be Kissed!

15: Have any pets?

yA omg i have 2 cats at my mom’s house!!!!! i cannot wait until i can have my own pet

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

i’m actually feeling fgreat, it’s basically my summer break rn and usually i’d feel terrible with no strict plans of what to do, but today was so much fun. i had a great time just fuckin around. im very optimistic

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

HEHEHE oh my gosh, i don’t kiss and tell, but yes i do actually. ok so not a public bathroom but someone else’s bathroom at a party, yes, and my own bathroom, yes, and someone else’s bathroom, yes! i just love bathrooms (wow i sound so cis)

18: Are you scared of spiders?

not especially ! i am Not good at capturing them and also i cannot kill them, but i am sometimes ok with just letting them chill. ok maybe i lied. it depends

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

no 😤

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

the brit Popped Out! the last place was, the airport when i dropped my girlfriend off :(((((

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

omg well it’s still the weeknd rn? it’s sunday night. and my plans were: d&D!!!!!! and it was SO FUN!!! but next weekend, im seeing my bestie graduate college along w my other mt friends, and then on sunday i’m driving home 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Yes I Do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i ‘m not super sure, maybe 2? 1 would be fine too but also i feel like siblings are great, even tho they’re terrible at the same time. like i’d face my brother in ritual combat but i would also slap a high schooler in the face for being mean to him, yknow

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i do! i have 2 closed up ear holes. 

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

i was always great great great at english/reading/spelling! now i’m in college so like uhhh . i get to choose my subjects. so my best is photography ahah!! but i’m not bad at writing :-)

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

not desperately. sometimes i feel the urge to reconnect with old friends tho

26: What are you craving right now?

a Kiss!!!!!!

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

wait omg first i have a story. so on facebook they used to have those things where you’d answer questions, like this, in a note. i got tagged to do one so i did. let me set the scene. it was sophonmore year of high schoool. im 16. i’d broken up with my first “real” boyfriend a few months ago. so i was tagged for this shindig right.? it got to this very same question: have you ever broken someone’s heart? and i thought about this kid who i dated for 2.5 months...and i was like....well, clearly, he’s devastated we aren’t together! so i answered “Yes. Unfortunately.” ooohhhhh..... the drama.......the absolute emotion..... riveting.... who was he ? i was probably listening to jonas brothers SOS at the time.

anyway, how am i supposed to actually know ? like does sometone have to say “u broke my heart?” bc if so no one’s said that. but my last gf took the breakup v hard so maybe ? but i don’t wanna plant emotions in to anyone’s skull!

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

one of my exes sexted her friends. jury is still out on whether that counts, please lmk me know ur thots. kaelin, if ur out there, i’m so.................................happy that i haven’t spoken a word to you for 3 years. fuck off !

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Yes

30: What’s irritating you right now?

real quick, an update on the chocolate ice cream situtiaon. i’ve cracked open my pint, as well as another hard seltzer. i’ve also lit a candle. it’s a real production

anyway, no ! oh hahahah. sorry. thought it shaid who’s irritating you. ummm, personal stuff! but im not like mad. just personal drama

31: Does somebody love you?

lors of people do! and lots of people love You Too!!!!! you’re a delight!

32: What is your favourite color?

i LOVE yellow !!!!!!!!!!!! and blue, specifically teal! but not too dark of a teal you km,now ?

33: Do you have trust issues?

depends what im trusting them with !

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

i had a nightmare that i was sabrina the teenage witch and another witch was chasing me on a rooftop trying to kill me :(

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hmmm idk actually bc it’s hbeen hard for me to cry lately :( probably maya ?

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

to be honest i don’t think i’ve often had the chance to Give a second chance

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

idk man iuhhh it’s kinda hard to just literally completely forget! and mnaybe not as healthy!

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

that’s kinda premature, it’s only april!!! but i suppose may is soon. idk im not sure! maybe every year is the best year of my life :-)

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

20 bb

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i have ANaughT

51: Favourite food?

i would give up everything for a bgagel. i also LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEE sushi! my fave roll is i think either spicy tuna w the spicy sawce or seared salmon ora spicy tuna hand roll. i fuck sushi

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

this is a hard question for me to answer bc i want to say yes but also i don’t think abuse or murder or bad things or unnecessary death happens for any reason other thna, it just does sometimes and that sucks real bad. so idk. i don’t think everything has a grand purpose. but i blieve in my life, everything that’s happened to me has in fact led me to where i am today and i’m learning and healing and growing. that being said i could do without some of the things that have happend to me!

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

read a storm of swords :00000

54: Is cheating ever okay?

no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the point of cheating is it’s a breach of Trust! and that’s not okay!

55: Are you mean?

i hope not :(

56: How many people have you fist fought?

what is with u brits

57: Do you believe in true love?

depends what u mean by true love...like in fairytales? i think true love is just loving someone so much you’re willing to work on whatever you need to to keep them. not unconditional in the sense of “even if they’re mean i still love them” but unconditional in the sense of “even if u fart in front of me i don’t care, and even if you go through hardship and aren’t yourself for a while i will still love you because im with u for real”

58: Favourite weather?

SUN SUN SUN my favorite is when it’s warm out, but there are clouds to gaze at. it’s kinda humid. there’s a slight breeze. oh gosh i can’t wait for the summer :*( im currently cyring

59: Do you like the snow?

i am so fucking tired of the snow LMFAO it snows 8 months of the year here and i’m here, guess what, 8 months of the year! i fuckin hate it! go shit on someone else, clouds

60: Do you wanna get married?

YES more than anything, so much, i want to, so badly

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD I DIE I MELT

62: What makes you happy?

sunshine, late night drives, laughing so hard my stomach hurts w/ my best frineds, playing d&d, writing poetry,  thinking about how small animals’ feets are, petting my cat and making him purr, talking to my little brother about real stuff, kissing my girlfriend and seeing her smile, warm blankets when it’s cold, eating cookie dough, dancing, singing in the car, holding hands, walking in the summer and listening to my favorite podcast, talking about harry potter with my mom, playing overwatch in the summer with andy, going to council crest

the list could go on forever :-)

63: Would you change your name?

already did PAL!!!!!!!!!!!

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

only hard bc she’s not physically here rn. but no, it would be easy, beacuse she’s so kisssable

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

if you define sex by GENITALS YOU BIG BIBNCH then i don’t Have one

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

stop omg......

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

STOP OMG

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

hmmmmmmmmmm..... idk maybe jamie

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

i don’t necessarily believe that there’s 1 perfect person for everyone out there romatnically, but i believe thaere are people destined to be in your life and i believe there are people that you will click with just absolutely instantly and feel an incredibly deep connection with, whether it be romantic or not

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

kinda morbid :/

[tumblunni]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tfw u have another game idea AGAIN i think my brain hollowed itself out for more idea space at the expense of everything else like ability to actually create my ideas or ability to remember to eat :P

this kinda isnt a NEW idea, its just something floating around in my brain that ive now got more of a concrete idea for, i guess? playing Oxygen Not Included reminded me of it and made me feel maybe people would actually be interested in it, yknow? and its probably not something i could ACTUALLY make, cos it’d require like.. a lot of my own programming. not really easy to just make in a helpful gamemaker enginey thing like rpgmaker. tho it is an rpg... kinda...?? ehhhh im not feeling very good today, sorry my writing is... bad

ANYWAY WHAT WAS I SAYING

Well the idea I has was for kind of a roguelike tower climbing rpg, like Azure Dreams or Persona 3 The premise would be that there’s a mysterious underground civilization, trapped for generations with no memory of the surface world. Between them and sunlight is this potentially-infinate magical labyrinth that nobody has managed to make it through. (At least as far as anyone knows. Everyone wants to believe that friends who dissappeared in the labyrinth actually made it to the other side, rather than.. well.. the other side.) So the game would be about tackling this labyrinth in multiple short sessions. My favourite genre: roguelikes that actually have some form of progression in them! Even though you’re dying a lot, you retain a small amount of what you gathered each time in the form of townbuilding progressyness and ~friendship routes~ and ~ETCETERA~!

But then after playing Oxygen Not Included I kinda have a burning desire to see a game that has the good bits of that and not the... Frustration. To say its a roguelike without progression is understating it, gahhhhhhhhhh! Roguelike sim game of 8 hour game sessions that get destroyed cos of one stupid mistake and you have to be all perfect and lucky and YOURE ALWAYS STARVING and gahhhhhhhhh THIS IS MEANT TO BE MY GAME IDEA NOT VENTING ABOUT THAT GAME Anyway I was thinking how it’d be really cool if a game like that actually DID have a sense of progression. And an actual end goal. Like.. if you were actually digging towards the surface! With periodic savepoints and characters that dont die so easily and have more personality to them and you get all attatched! I already got all attatched to my dumb sim characters and then just got really upset how they kept dying and the game seemed to not give a shit :P

But yeah its not like I can just completely copy that game, lol. Even if I wanted to, I dunno how to program a simulation type engine thing from scratch! So i was thinking like.. a regular roguelike randomized dungeon generator actually IS possible in Rpgmaker, so I dunno.. I could find a way to make that work with some kind of ‘you are actually creating the dungeon’ type thing. i really like the idea of being able to dig your own path through the thing and have it permenantly etched there forever. I was thinking it could be an awesome idea if in the postgame you could come back to the now-empty labyrinth after everyone’s escaped to the surface, and be able to walk through it and have a big ol nostalgia trip. One that’d be unique to every player! And like.. maybe even be able to see changes, like it being reclaimed by nature and flowers? And you could upload a dungeon seed for your own personal dungeon, so that other players could play it, and that could be the postgame replay value~!

game name ideas i guess Catacomb Crawl Boundless Down

and I was thinking the protagonists could be two kids and be a grumpy older sibling who’s a jerk to their well-meaning-but-immature lil sib, but loves them deep down, and has to learn a lesson about becoming a more responsible sib, and etc like.. yeah.. basically inspired by over the garden wall i didnt really like that show, and i felt bad about it cos everyone was telling me it was a masterpiece. alas! :P aaanyhoo they’re not very developed yet, except older sib being a bit of a comical greedy coward type of person and lil sib actually being quite wise but always underestimated. Like, they have more common sense than their big sib even though they are a lil naive sometimes cos theyre so optimistic. Both sibs get each other into trouble pretty often, but they balance out perfectly to save each other each time! And lil sib is kind of a pushover who just obeys big sib unquestionably and can never stick up for themself when big sib is being all ‘ugh ur so immature im totally better'. They’re just like... the sort of person who’s so scared of their friends leaving them that they let anyone hurt them as much as they want as long as they stay. Very relateable to Bunni! Also they sorta try and pretend to be the dumb sidekick and class clown. Cos again theyre worried if they disagree or try and stand out too much then their sibling will hate them. Quite often their ‘dumb mistakes’ are actually the older sib’s fault, and they’re stuck like ‘AAAA I CANT TELL THEM TO STOP COS ITD BE OUT OF CHARACTER. I NEED TO BE THE CUTE BABY.’ And its all super complicated cos older sib acts like they resent them for never growing up too, its like.. cant ever win. This whole thing has kinda turned them into an anxious mess deep down. part of big sib’s whole redemption arc would involve them having to realise that their actions arent harmless, and treating such a young child this way actually has a permenant effect. And like... big sib doesnt know how to take care of little sib on their own because they’re immature themself! Being able to admit that instead of trying so hard to be all fake ultra mature and infallible, thats another big character arc. As well as aknowledging that lil sib is indeed growing up and becoming someone intelligent and independant. And realizing that the reason they keep putting them down is so they can try and deny that, and the reason they’re denying it because theyre JEALOUS! Jealous that little sib might have their emotions more alltogether than them, scared that their emotionless facade of perfect big sibness will be broken, and scared that without that they’ll have nothing left. Need to become more comfortable with trusting and relying on your lil sib, need to actually talk to them about this stuff, yo! Ideally I’m gonna try and write it in a way that doesnt make big sib seem like a completely hateable villain. Their backstory is gonna involve being from not exactly the nicest family, and both struggling to escape what they’ve been shaped into. And trying to learn how to take care of each other as a real family, when they have no real frame of reference for what real love looks like. And also climbing a bigass tower to save humanity from being entombed underground, but that’s comparatively easy, lol! But yeah the idea is that big sib kinda absorbed more of their bad parents’s ideals, and like... they love their sibling so utterly and deeply because they just did not know what family love felt like until they came along. And it really REALLY hurts them whenever they realise they’ve been subconciously being neglectful or hateful towards the lil fella, but theyre so distracted by like.. the greed of being free now. And doing anything and everything, drunk on that freedom! And not really being capable yet of caring about other people when they havent even learned how to care about themself. They keep being all decadent and delinquent and it seems like theyre egotistical but still deep down they HATE themself and this is all just like a ‘fake it til you make it’. And its so easy to get caught up and go too far to try and put on this facade, and they feel they cant really vent their real feelings to anyone. Cos they’re super cynical dont trust anyone except sibling loyalty like. Only way to survive! And like... cant talk about it with the sib either, because little kid wouldnt understand, and if they do then that means theyre not little anymore. They dont wanna ruin lil sib’s childish innocence cos like.. that innocence is their only reason to live. Innocent stupid bastion of family love, came into their life and gave them the courage to deal with those shitty parents gahhh! And part of them ‘knows’ that the only way to love anyone is to be deluded and innocent. You have to be too stupid to realise that the world is awful and everyone sucks and loving people just gets you hurt! And big sib is toooootally smart cos they know that life is meaningless. But they’re entertained by seeing a stupid person stupidly believe in optimism. Totally. Thats the only reason they wanna protect that innocence. Totally. sooooo basically imagine a very mentally ill mess of a preteen that’s curled up in the corner crying perpetually within their own mind, while on the outside they’re all HA HA I’M AMAZING, BITCHES And also imagine that bunni is able to write good enough to explain these damn characters aaaa im very tired im sorry

anyway summary: protagonist is a jerk, Character Development: The Game, you will cry for little sib whom is basically like penny from inspector gadget also I was thinking maybe this could be the one and only time I do the Amnesiac Protagonist Cliche Setup. eeeexcept not really?? well i mean I think it’d work cool if these characters were new to this setting, but I wouldnt actually do 100% amnesia thing I was thinking more like... they are the only two people who came from the outside world. And they just can’t remember how they got here, they wake up trapped in this place and everyone thinks theyre crazy for talking about being from somewhere aboveground. So you have an even more desperate motivation to escape compared to everyone else! I mean of course everyone wants to return to the surface, but its been so long that no-one remembers what it’s like, and so many attempts have failed that they’ve all given up. So you can act like a beacon of hope and lead the people even though you’re just a child. Like, this is about a morally bankrupt trash protagonist being dragged kicking and screaming into heroism, lol And of course we can have some good ‘ol mystery amnesia reveal type plot thingies! But without having to have a protagonist who’s COMPLETELY clueless, and a game beginning with no direction whatsoever. Its more like a ‘trapped in another world’ story except its the same world just a few thousand miles underground, lol. And revealing how exactly they got there and what they’ve forgotten is gonna be a plot, yes, but also there’s the bigger mystery of what on earth this doom labyrinth is and what caused these poor people to be trapped in it! And what they’ll even find when they finally reach the surface again, will it really be the sort of paradise they’re all hoping for? also many tears for sad dysfunctional tiny family of awkward childrens, ye also (hopefully) fun dungeon gameplays

so yeah bunni is tired and delirious and rambling Thoughts at you dunno if anyone was interested in any of this, but there you go!