#being unmotivated to talk to people when you literally want nothing more than interaction with others has to be one of the worst things ever

[s3v3r3dh3ad]

The struggle of wanting to talk to people but then being too nervous to DM first but even when you get DM'd first then you're constantly too tired or just not motivated to talk for some reason even though you truly do want to talk and so you accidentally leave that person who tried to initiate the conversation unanswered for longer than you meant to and then you start thinking that they must think you hate them or don't want to talk to them bc that's the conclusion you would jump to if it happened to you and then you feel bad because now you made things awkward for yourself and everyone involved and then it makes you remember why you don't talk to people 😍

[depressing-debbie]

Hi I love your blog! Can you do the fluff alphabet for Mikasa?? 🏳‍🌈

YES I love Mikasa <3

Sorry these take forever because they are a COMMITMENT to sit down and write, but they’re also so fun!!

Fluff Alphabet: Mikasa

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

She honestly just wants to be with them, but on special date nights, she would love to go to the park for a walk or maybe an art gallery. Probably her favorite activity with her SO is stargazing, just the two of them curled up on a blanket admiring the sky, it’s so intimate.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

She is absolutely enchanted by her SO. She loves the way they blush just slightly when they smile, the way they dance to their music when they think nobody’s watching. She memorized all of their tiny unique mannerisms because they’re just so charming. Everything about them is so stunning.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

She’s not great with her words, but she has such a determination to comfort them. If they were having a panic attack, she’d make sure to get them somewhere quiet and calm. She’d offer to just wrap them up in her arms, or to sit quietly with them. If they were just having a bad day or feeling down, she would clear her schedule so she didn’t have to leave their side all day. She’d lay their head in her lap, running her hands through their hair, and either letting them vent, or talking to distract them. She hates seeing them upset, and her protective instincts kick in instantly.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

She doesn’t think about the future. Since she was little, she’s had to live in the moment and think on her feet, so she never really lets herself start to make plans. But, once she started getting serious with her SO, she probably let herself have just a little bit of faith in the future. I don’t think she fantasizes about the typical domestic life, but she does love the idea of stability. In general, she just wants more time with her SO.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Equal, leaning towards Mikasa being a bit more dominant. She tends to fall into the role of protector for her SO, literal or figurative, but there’s obviously nothing definite. She needs to be protected sometimes, too.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

She doesn’t fight over petty things and serious fights don’t happen often, but when they do, it can be pretty rough. She doesn’t yell or anything, in fact, she gets very quiet, and it’s obvious that her feelings are hurt whenever they fight. She’s good at finding compromises, though, because she really hates fighting. Her goal is never to hurt her SO back, even if they said something that accidentally hurt her, because she hates making them upset.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

This baby is sooo grateful! She’s so used to being the one supporting other people, so each time her SO goes out of their way to show their affection or do something for her, she is so ridiculously honored and touched. She considers herself so lucky to have them in her life, and even though it’s awkward, she voices it as much as she can.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

She would never hide anything from her SO that involves them or could hurt them. For the most part, she’s an open book. But there’s obviously a lot in her life that she would have reason to suppress and not talk about, in addition to the fact that she has trouble voicing her feelings. Even still, I think she would make an effort to talk about her past in the name of total transparency in the relationship.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

I think they inspire each other. She’s such a calming presence, so I think her SO, especially if they’re a pretty anxious person, might become a bit more relaxed around her. On the other hand, Mikasa is absolutely inspired by them every day. She allows herself to depend on them and open up to them, even having some hope for the future. I know it sounds cheesy, but they genuinely remind her that there is so much happiness in the world.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

For the most part, she’s not a jealous person. But, she’s human, so of course she gets jealous once in a while. She trusts her SO without a doubt, but it makes her uncomfortable when she can tell someone is flirting with them. If it makes them uncomfortable as well, she’s scaring that person off instantly. When she does get jealous, she probably just goes to her SO for a hug and a quick reminder that she’s more than enough for them. It’s never caused a fight or anything.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Their first was just a small, soft little kiss early in the morning, and I think they probably kept that tradition of tiny kisses. Mikasa isn’t an overly affectionate person, but she expresses a lot with just a little kiss, maybe even on their forehead. It may not be what people would consider “passionate” but there’s still so much behind it.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

She probably thought about it for a bit, but she had no idea she was going to confess when she did. They were absolutely stargazing in the park, and she looked over and thought about just how amazing her SO is, so it just came out. She wasn’t even really embarrassed afterwards; if anything, she was overwhelmed by how easily she had said it. And it’s not something that she throws around all the time after that, especially because she has trouble with vulnerability. Every time she says she loves them, she means it.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

She doesn’t really fantasize about getting married like some people do, but it’s not something she would be opposed to. Personally, she feels secure in her relationship no matter what, and she doesn’t need a document to tell her that she’s in love. But if it would hold meaning to her SO, she’s all over it. She would plan a quietly romantic proposal in private, probably somewhere significant to their relationship. Their wedding would be pretty small, just between themselves and close friends and family, celebrating their love. It would be beautifully planned, too.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

She probably uses “love” sometimes, but for the most part, she uses their name. It just sounds so nice, and it’s a little added connection between the two of them.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

She’s not obvious at all when she’s in love, except to her SO. Anybody else she interacts with, even the closest family and friends, wouldn’t notice a thing. But her SO can absolutely see the way she stares at them with a quiet smile, thinking they don’t see it. And they notice the way she always needs some form of contact with them, whether it’s holding their hand or pressing next to them while sitting together. She does make an effort to express her feelings as much as she can, even if she has trouble being vulnerable.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

She’s very private with her relationship. The most PDA anyone will see is her holding their hand underneath the table, or slowly sliding closer to them until their knees are pressed together. She also doesn’t really talk about it much. The people close to her absolutely know about the relationship, but she’s not one to brag; she just wants to keep the best parts of their relationship between the two of them.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

She’s incredibly motivated. Sounds like it would be overwhelming for her SO, right?? Wrong. She channels that motivation into helping them, especially if they struggle with mental health and are somewhat unmotivated because of it. She’s that one person who volunteers to help clean someone’s depression room, and she’s her SO’s best support when they need to get something done. She loves being able to lift just a little bit of their stress by lending a hand.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

She’s incredibly romantic! She loves finding little ways to make her SO smile and express how much she cares about them, so she’s definitely more creative. But, she also probably allows herself to indulge in some cliches once in a while because it’s something she never foresaw herself getting to do.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

She’s their biggest cheerleader! She absolutely believes in her SO to no end, and she’d do whatever she can to help them reach their goals. She’s honestly inspired by their determination, and she knows that they have the ability to do anything they put their mind to.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Probably a mix of both. She loves getting to experience new things with her SO, especially if it’s something they’re interested in. But for the most part, she feels so comfortable and safe in a routine, and she loves having something she can depend on to be the same. Besides, their routines are likely much more intimate than any new activity, and she adores getting to spend time with them like that.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

She’s practically a mind reader. It’s really just because she observed her SO at the start of their relationship, their mannerisms and reactions and opinions, and she took note of them all. Now, she can tell instantly what is going through their mind or how they are feeling, and she empathizes strongly, even if it’s not something she’s experienced.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Their relationship is so important to her. Since they became serious, she’s slowly allowed herself to open up and rely on them, trusting that they will be there for her, so I think it would be hard for her to lose that. But more than anything, she just wants them to be happy, whatever that means.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon

She tried to learn to cook for her SO as a surprise for their birthday. So she printed out recipes and bought the ingredients for their favorite foods, and before they were even awake, she started cooking. It didn’t turn out great, but they could tell she was so proud, and it was adorable. She probably had to try not to gag after the first bite, so if her SO ate any of it, she would be absolutely touched.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

She’s not honestly an overly affectionate person, partially because she has trouble letting herself be vulnerable. She just expresses her love in different ways. But, especially if one of them had a bad day or if she’s tired, she will be very affectionate. She absolutely loves when her SO runs a hand through her hair as they lay together, and she feels so safe with her head in their lap as they trace little circles over her cheek. She also loves getting to wrap them up in her arms, their head pressed into her chest as if she can physically channel her emotions and love to them.

Y earning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner?

She’s definitely not a yearning type. She misses them, absolutely, but she also loves how independent and bold they are, and it makes her happy to see them out chasing life experiences they’re passionate about. She would probably check in on them each day they are gone, though, just to make sure they’re alright and to hear their voice. Otherwise, she just continues to go about her routine, and logs anything funny into her memory to share when they return.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Absolutely. She’s invested in the relationship, especially because she’s not someone to take relationships lightly. If there is anything she can do to make their connection stronger and healthier, or to make her SO happier, she would do it!

[all-of-the-above]

Depression

Do you ever get those days were it feels like all its going to do is rain, and I’m not talking about physical rain, I’m talking about the metaphorical rain. The days when nothing is ok, nothing goes right, nothing seems right. The days were it literally feels like there is a cloud hanging over your head. And sometimes these days can last a week or a month, or what seems like a lifetime. Do you ever find yourself feeling…

a)     Irritable

b)    Down for no reason

c)     Unmotivated even to do the things you normally enjoy

d)    Drained from everything

e)    Negative about the world

f)      Fed-up with yourself, your life, this feeling

g)     All of the above?

Its ok. I’m not diagnosing you with depression or something, I’m more sharing facts and experiences. I’m here to say you aren’t alone, and that its ok to not be ok.

To suffer with depression, or extreme sadness, or grief, or just to go through bad days, none of it is easy. I’m not suggesting here that I have either been diagnosed, but its more the fact I’m aware of myself, my mental health, my state of mind and just well me. I’ve suffered a very large form of grief in my teen years and it’s fair to say it has changed me. That’s ok, its normal. I can sit here and see now and understand me, asses so to speak and reflect. This topic is so important to me because of how much it is a part of my life and who I am really.

Depression. It’s a big word and although I may not have all the facts, I think most of you will get what I’m talking about even if it’s not from the most medical point of view.

You see depression isn’t a temporary thing, it stays around far longer than say a period of sadness. Don’t get me wrong not every day is a bad one, I would kind of describe it as coming and going like waves. Sadly, it can be quite inescapable. There doesn’t necessarily need to be a trigger for it to ‘happen’ either, you can simply wake up and not be ok again, and it can last from a day to however long. I find it then fizzles away again like clouds clearing from the sky and you get those times when its clear all day, every day, but other days it can be misty, and others clear with a little cloud, like a little niggle in the back of your mind, yet you can sort of ignore it. Then there’s the clouded, rainy days and you can’t ignore it. You see, however you feel, whenever you feel it is ok. It is different for everyone but I’m hoping my cloud metaphor helps.

With depression you can’t just “cheer up” and move on. It comes and goes but throughout your time of living with it, struggling and battling it, hopefully it comes less and less. There’s no time frame to getting rid of depression, it is something you live with. You can become more aware of it and yourself and grow overtime and find more happiness throughout your life, so it feels as though it barely rains and that is wonderful. But it’s not simple and easy and to understand you’re not alone is extremely important. To desire change, to act on it, to reflect on yourself and be determined to see growth away from those dark places is so special and takes courage and strength. Some days we don’t have that strength, but it’s about finding it again and to keep going.

You may have some exciting news but not even feel remotely happy about it. It happens. You may have a negative world view, aka seeing no point in it all, being fed-up with your life, your family, friends, relationships. You may sleep more to avoid feeling it. Or sleep less to distract yourself. You may rely on social interaction to feel loved and surrounded, busy and happy and with a lack of it you feel deflated, lost and down. It happens. You may end up shutting-off from people and not telling them how you really feel so you don’t burden them with it. You may seek comfort in the silence, the loneliness and cut-off communication. Whatever it may be, it happens. Its symptoms of depression, its signs you aren’t doing ok, and that’s alright because you aren’t the only one. Its alright because you will get through it. And although it may come around again, you’ll be stronger and even when you don’t feel it, you are. You have strength in you and no matter how dark those cloudy days become, you find the light, even if it’s a fragment. You see its all about hope, strength, perseverance, knowledge, reflection and understanding. If you can sit here now and recognise parts within you, parts about you. If you can reflect and understand, you’re a step closer to seeing less rain. But what I need you to know is, its ok if it still rains. Your journey, your life will be filled with sunshine, and with rain. There’s always going to be bad days, but what we all want, what we all need is just a few less of them. You aren’t messed up or weird or too sad for this world, you are you and you are fighting your own battles that no one can ever fully understand.

You may have noticed a lack of my presence recently, I haven’t posted much, this is my first blog post in a very long time and well its not to say I’ve not had good days, I’ve in fact had some of the most wonderful days recently and have wanted to be present in each of those moments. But underneath I’ve still struggled. I stopped doing this, I stopped a lot of my hobbies. I stopped the little but also big things I enjoyed. I had no motivation for it, and I ignored how I was feeling deep down. I may have gotten on with most of my days happy and well, but there were some clouds looming that I didn’t address. I took time to reflect and see, I then forced myself so to speak to do something, write something, plan something and I could see even more clearly how important this post would be. Recently I’ve been affected by my mental health and that’s ok. I didn’t want to write or post or do any of it. But I remembered the joy it gave me, the pride, the community. We fall in and out of habits all of the time, but to forget something you love is a big thing, yet not uncommon. To then have the ability to recognise it, no matter how long it takes, and to act on it, to make that change. Now that, that is spectacular. And you know what, if it happens again, its ok! Because let me tell you this, I see strength in you, I see knowledge and power, I see perseverance and pure understanding of who you are and what you are capable of. The waves can feel continuous and big or small, but those waves can come to a soft and steady fall. Who you are, your mental health, and your personality is you and irreplaceable. It is beautiful and unique, and one thing for sure is that it is loved.

It’s okay if you aren’t ok. I’m here. Others are here. But most importantly you are here, and with each day you are conquering the world.

[geniously-hacked-bebop]

This is just me being whiny about my life under the cut lmao feel free to ignore

I’m feeling so unmotivated lately idk what’s wrong with me like I can’t get myself to be productive whatsoever. I can’t write anything or study or even watch tv which is normally what I would do when I feel like this. So I just sit on the couch all day when I’m not at school or at the hospital and do literally nothing 😐like I’m not sure if my adhd meds are working anymore lmao I can’t focus or get anything done. Or maybe I have like seasonal depression because I never go outside during the summer unless I'm taking my dog out lol I literally HATE feeling overheated and after two years of living here I'm still not used to the nasty humidity. me talking about not being able to write when im sitting down and writing all of this out 😐

The only thing I have been doing is making my stupid little tiktok videos lmaooo which is so weird bc I literally hate being perceived (on tumblr is fine because whatever most of you guys don't know what I look like so it's not really me being perceived idk if that even makes sense) and yet here i am putting myself out there on the internet. And it’s even weirder because for some reason several HUGE accounts on anime tiktok started to follow me and it’s so cool but also nerve wracking to have those people interacting with me on there. One of the very first people I followed on anime tiktok just followed me yesterday and she has a massive following and it’s like what the hell??? Why are you following me of all people?? Idk it’s wild to me lol like this isn't even me bragging I'm genuinely confused about it like I definitely don't deserve that.

Also I absolutely can’t wait for my best friend to move here next month and to finally move into the actual city at the end of this month because I have literally 2 friends here and neither of them ever want to do anything with me so I just sit and wallow alone 24/7 which is probably why I feel so weird lol like I love being alone but I definitely need more social interaction besides talking to patients because I feel like that doesn’t count. And my poor sister needs a break from me trying to FaceTime her twenty times a day because even she ignores me most of the time now 😭

I hadn't gotten new tattoos in three years and then got two within a week that are both haikyu related and so I refuse to ever let this hyperfixation go away because otherwise having an entire manga panel of it on my ribs is going to be really interesting to have for my whole life LOL but whatever at least they're finally healed because they were itchy as hell for a second there.

This is just a random petty thought but my toxic ex’s birthday is the same day as Oikawa's birthday and the extremely petty side of me wants to post something about like “happy birthday to my fav boy” for Oikawa's birthday on my Instagram story just so he could see it hajlhaflahflkja but also like I’m not going to because I’m better than that but it’s still a little bit funny to think about doing it in my head

[uncloseted]

i have a seriously annoying problem and i don't know what to do. so, i've been depressed for a very long time now, have done therapy twice and quit, and now i wanna seek help again because i'm really fucking scared that if i don't do anything i'll stay like this forever and not get ahead in life. and with not getting ahead in life i mean: i'm currently 18, and about a month ago i got a job, the 2nd one in my life, and i already wanna quit. the reason why this is so bad to me is, when i was 16 i got my first job and stopped after 3 months just because i'm so unmotivated. now it's 2 years later, i'm finally working again, but something is just soooo off with me. no matter how hard i try, i'm so unmotivated in everything i do. and i know that the easy answer is that it's probably that i haven't found a thing that i like doing, but i know that's not it. it's literally just working that i hate. i know that no matter what i do, i'm gonna hate doing it. and wanting to quit is especially hard for me, because i've been fucking up my life consistently, and my parents are proud that i'm working again. now like i said, i've been thinking about going to therapy again, but i also wanna quit my job, at least til i'm in a better headspace. because i honestly think that i'm gonna go insane if i do school, work, and therapy at the same time. now my question is, do you think that's the best solution? or what would you do? should i just try to suck it up and continue to work while i get better during therapy?

First and foremost, I think it sounds like you need to work on recovering from your depression.  I know that’s easier said than done, but there are a lot of things that you can try.  Talk therapy can be great for a lot of people, but it’s not the only option, and it’s really important to have a therapist you connect with in order for it to work.  It may take trying out a few different therapists (or a lot of different therapists) before you find the one for you, and that’s totally normal and okay.  It’s also important to try different types of therapy.  Maybe you’ve tried narrative therapy and that hasn’t clicked with you, but ACT or CBT therapy will.

If you haven’t already, I would also consider meeting with a psychiatrist or your primary care physician to talk about medication.  Talk therapy and medication combined works better than either one on its own.  Like with finding a therapist, it make take a few different tries before you find a medication that works for you.  Don’t be afraid to let your psychiatrist know if you’re not feeling better or if you’re having side effects.

If you’ve been through several different medications and none of them have worked, you may have what’s called “treatment-resistant depression”.  If that’s the case, there are a lot of experimental treatments you can try.  Clinical psychedelic treatments (ketamine being the most common and well-researched, but also psilocybin mushrooms, LSD, and MDMA) can make a really big difference for people who are depressed, and oftentimes are faster-acting than their traditional SSRI counterparts.  Other interventions, like ECT, TMS, and VNS, have been shown to reduce symptoms of depression as well.

Finally, and I hate to be this person because I know how frustrating it is to get this advice, but lifestyle changes can go a big way to improving mood and reducing depressive symptoms.  In one study, 90% of clinically people who exercised for 30 minutes, three times a week recovered from their depression by the ten week mark.  For comparison, only about 50% of the control group (who were taking Zoloft), were in remission by 10 weeks.  Exercise also boosts your cognitive functioning and will help you be healthier for longer as you get older.  This doesn’t need to be intense exercise, either- walking, playing a pickup game of a sport you like, riding a bike, doing yoga or pilates videos online, dancing, whatever you can get yourself to do is better than nothing.

Sleep is the other big lifestyle change that impacts depression.  Seven to eight hours of sleep a night will significantly boost your happiness and well-being.  Like with exercise, it will also boost your cognitive performance and will help you be more focused and motivated.

There are other lifestyle habits that are good to put in place, like meditating once a day, practicing gratitude, actively doing kind things for other people (such as volunteer work), ensuring that you have regular social interaction, and working towards long term goals, but if you’re looking for the biggest bang for your buck, sleep and exercise are your best bet. 

This all probably sounds like a huge tangent from your actual question, but I promise it’s not.  If you can improve your mood, you’ll feel more motivated to work and, importantly, more capable of working.  I would also try to think of work as something that’s not binary (you’re either working or you’re not).  Can you reduce the hours that you’re working so that you have more time for school and therapy sessions?  Are there aspects of your job that are easier than others that you could request to do more frequently?  Is there a job that would provide you with more flexibility or at least suck a little bit less?  Maybe not working at all isn’t an option for you right now, but you might be able to find a way to make it less difficult.

[thecaptainscribbles]

This is going to be a Huge Rant, but ayyyy!

It’s nearly been 6 months since I’ve been into an actual, real, healthy relationship and I will say. My biggest discovery is realizing the trademark of a good relationship is simply a good level of conflict resolution, and communication. Sounds logical right but hear me out.

I have a slew of Issues, including the ADHD, but also some as a direct result of a shitty childhood. I have poor communication capacity under stress or pressure (I literally shut down and can’t speak), and phases of horrible mood instability, living with me is Hard. I’ve had relationships before but none as in-depth as this one, and I’ve never in my life seen someone with this level of conflict resolution and willingness.

So it’s like, maybe 2-3-ish months ago, our relationship at that point was mostly rushed and impulsive and, looking back on it, we weren’t that close, really. I had a horrible ADHD relapse, triggered by shift work stress, and boyfriend getting fired and being jobless and unmotivated for 2 weeks. It was paired with some horrible moodiness, which was treated by being on Solian (antipsychotic), which I somewhat suspect was interacting with Concerta and was making things worse, aside from making me asexual, permanently hungry, and fogging up all of my feelings lol. It was just a perpetually bad time. I had trouble getting up in the morning, trouble taking the dog out, trouble doing basic activities like washing the dishes, it was just bad.

But pair that with boyfriend being unmotivated by the job loss. We were two people living in the same house, one working, one not working, governed by sloth lol. I had to work weird ass shifts, including full weekends (7 am to 10 pm) and I was majorly stressed out. And he was doing nothing aside from watching Netflix. Worst yet, he wouldn’t help me if I asked him. I’d practically beg him to just accompany me out on 10 min dog walks just so it would make walking the dog more bearable for me, and he’d adamantly refuse.

So the icing on the cake is when I was running late for work, and I ask him if he could walk the dog this one time, so I can be there on time. And he dead serious tells me that I have time, he’s seen me leave at a similar hour and get there on time, and just leaves me to do it and returns to his Netflix. Obviously I was 10 shades of angry that day, but moved past it. Part of me wanted to believe that well, he wasn’t entirely wrong, since it’s my dog, my responsibility. The other part of me just felt sad that someone whose day had literally no activity and no responsibility in it couldn’t spare 5 mins in order to help me.

So I move on. Next day, I had to study some stuff for a future internship, so I ask him nicely to use headphones so I could focus (with whatever garbled focus I had left lol), and he agrees... until, 15 mins later, the headphones run out of battery. His reply? Well, they ran out, can’t do anything about it now! So he blasts the darned thing loudly, instead of going for one of the other wired headphones we had littered all over the house. And to top it off, he brings some popcorn too in the mix, so now obviously I can’t focus for shit. 

That was probably the angriest I’ve ever been in my life. But because I internalize everything, I just left, went in the bedroom, and proceeded to stare at the ceiling fuming over it lol, and seriously contemplating breaking up. After all, why be in a relationship if there’s no mutual help or understanding, just two people living together in a roommate situation more than a relationship.

It takes him maybe 30 mins to finally realize something is wrong, and he finally comes to check on me, and when I refuse to reply or react to any of his questions or affectionate gestures, he finally realizes something is Actually Wrong. And I see it, genuine concern and worry and care. He spends around an hour or two trying to get me to just talk about what’s wrong, and I finally agree to write it down, since talking felt impossible.

And I shit you not, the impulse driven, impatient, easy-to-fire-up guy with basically no life experience calmly looks over it, spends maybe 15 mins contemplating it in deep silence, drags me into the kitchen so we could have one of our conflict resolving chats over smoking a cig and calmly brings up every angry point I made in that novel sized message, along with solutions to them that would be ok for both of us. To me, it was incredible. I expected anger, or upset, or disagreement, but no. He calmly went over all of them, noted that I was right in at least some of them, and that he should’ve been more present, added his -non judgemental- point of view @ them and then found solutions to each of them.

Over the course of the next days, most of the pressure that was on me was lifted. I was no longer perpetually angry or upset, and was far more functional. He became much more caring and compassionate, realized I’m not going to externalize my problems and troubles with ease, so he started being more perceptive. Both of us got more affectionate and caring toward eachother. 

I had more, smaller relapses, but he helped instead of ignoring, and they resolved fast. I became more communicative, and so did he. And since then, 2-3 months later, we have grown closer than ever. We communicate easier, I’ve been able to overcome my ADHD to do more just because it feels like we’re a team now, not just two people under the same roof.

And all because of one shitty conflict, and an incredible conflict resolution level. I know 6 months isn’t a long time, relationship related, but this specific moment was an incredible eye opener, and the period that followed, the last 2-3 months, have been amazing. Living with someone who, through conflict, learned to understand you, and was and is willing to put in the effort to work through problems with you and who is supportive through those crappy relapse moments, is incredible. I’ve grown up with a family that was rarely if ever supportive (quite the opposite) so this feels incredible.

[moviestorian]

Im glad the asks helped! I have anxiety and depression and can understand what youre going through. My ask today is what are your thoughts on Bo Rhap as a movie?

Thanks! :) I’m above all extremely happy to see people on this site being so kind and supportive in time of need, it’s a human quality that will never get enough praise! I’m also really sorry to hear about your problems. :( I send you lots of love, I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, but I’m sure you're strong and coping❤️

As for your actual question - that’s some truly excellent and interesting timing, considering that I rewatched BoRhap (with @incblackbird) literally three days ago. :P It was already my third rewatch, and while I enjoyed the movie overall, I liked it quite significantly less than upon the last time I saw it. Of course, there’s been gazillion discourses about BoRhap, whether it’s genius, extremely evil, etc., but since it’s such a broad topic (and I think some of my opinions could potentially outrage certain parts of the fandom), this time I’m going to stick to purely cinematic terms.

Needless to say, the soundtrack is excellent - with music such as Queen’s you don’t really have to do much, but they made a good choice of songs, alternating between their best known hits (We Will Rock You, Somebody to Love, Bohemian Rhapsody) and songs to fit the narrative (Doing All Right, Now I’m Here, Who Wants to Live Forever, Love of my Life). It’s practically impossible to leave the screening of BoRhap without at least one Queen song stuck in your head.

The cast was overall very good, too. My personal favourites in terms of acting were Gwilym Lee (who I liked even more than Rami), Rami Malek, Lucy Boynton and Allen Leech - I think they did a great job with their roles as they were written (whether their characters were well written or not is a subject for a whole another discussion). All the side characters were well acted, too (Mike Myers, Meneka Das and Aaron McCusker, for instance, I found particularly memorable), but I must admit I wasn’t a big fan of Joe Mazzello and Ben Hardy, but even they weren’t bad. So, acting is definitely one of the strongest points of the film.

Moving on, I also think they did a great job when it comes to costumes (Brian lending some of his old clothing definitely helped) and make-up (except for Roger’s wigs, perhaps); the choreography and stage movement for the characters were super well done, too - and it definitely wasn’t an easy task!

Now, let’s discuss cinematography. I will talk about editing in a separate paragraph, so for now I’m gonna stick to other aspects. The composition of shots struck me as rather mediocre, nothing particularly exceptional in either good or bad way, it was pretty basic but rather correct. Of course, there were some shots I really liked, but if I were to start adding screenshots the post would become way too long. XD The colours I really liked, especially in the musical scenes - they were vivid and lovely, and they used a combination of colours that I tend to appreciate in cinema, like various shades of blue and red. Finally, the camerawork - for dialogue scenes it was correct; again, rather average with some use of handheld camera which served no particular dramatic purpose, but it wasn’t nowhere near very bad, also it’s quite a common thing in modern biopics I would say. Handheld camerawork isn’t bad in default, but my comment largely comes from my personal preferences: in most cases I don’t really like it, especially when it’s particularly shaky. Then, there are scenes in BoRhap which display excellent camerawork, namely Live Aid and We Will Rock You scenes. If most scenes were filmed like that, I would give the movie a higher rating.

Before I move to the worst (imo) cinematic aspects of the movie, let’s have a look at writing. It is probably the most divisive thing in the fandom - people seem to either adore or absolutely loathe it; my stance lies somewhere inbetween. The first time I saw the film (I’m gonna remind you that I’ve seen it four times), I had certain objections, but the script didn’t bother me all that much; I was mostly simply having fun in the cinema. With every next watching, the experience was getting gradually worse, but even now I don’t hate the movie. Yes, some of the dialogue is cheesy, trite and makes me cringe a bit - certain parts of the script definitely end on an “overly sentimental” territory, I can’t deny that. Knowing quite a lot about Freddie, Queen and their stories, I generally think they deserve a better script; some characterisation was a bit offputting and chronology was all over the place. Having said that, I understand where some of those narrative choices come from, as scripts for mainstream movies require oversimplification of events, archetypes, and patterns. And quite frankly, I don’t think BoRhap differs any drastically from most modern biopics; it’s not a masterpiece, but - in my opinion - it’s also not bad overall. Regardless the flaws of the script, the movie still managed to emotionally affect a huge, if not major, portion of viewers, entertain and move them, and honestly? I think that was pretty much the point. Btw, there were some lines that I really loved, like “Puritans in public, perverts in private”, and I still think that their decision to cut from Live Aid performance to Ray Foster’s grim face during We Are the Champions was the funniest shit ever. XD Would BoRhap’s script benefit from sticking to historical accuracy? I’m gonna say yes, I think so - the scenes that were the closest to actual events are definitely the strongest - but this approach would require tons of changes, including narrowing down the narrative scope and probably the characters, too. Also, a lot of people keep forgetting that this is not an arthouse, niche film and therefore resorts to narrative and cinematic choice that compromise between satisfying the fans and the newbies; it’s meant to tell a (simple) story and entertain, not educate and provoke existential and philosophical debates. Still, I think the script could have been done a bit better, because some scenes  (the tour “Now I’m Here” montage) feel a bit...random?

Finally, the infamous editing. I totally agree that it was one of the most undeserving Academy Awards that year, because some scenes were simply atrocious, with their unmotivated and overly fast cuts and unreasonably ridiculous face that doesn’t fit the dialogue scenes, and those are honestly the worst when it comes to pacing and editing. I think the editing is the worst aspect of BoRhap; but even here, I could point at some examples of pretty amazing editing (Oscar-worthy? Not necessarily, but definitely very good); again, I’m gonna bring up Live Aid and “We Will Rock You” scenes, especially the latter, because less people talk about it. I already mentioned that it has some really nice camerawork AND colours, but also the editing is actually really cool, because it’s cut to the music! Which makes me think: “what a shame!”, because if they went with different editing choices, the movie would be affected in a positive way. The way we have it, it’s either a hit or miss (sadly, mostly miss), and the badly edited scenes are pretty striking, so the ones that are done nicely are unfortunately a wasted potential.

Okay, this is already waaay too long, so I’m just gonna finish with a few general remarks. Well, despite BoRhap’s flaws, I still like and enjoy it. With every screening slightly less, but enjoy it anyway. I don’t think any amount of discourse will ever take away my positive experiences and memories from seeing it twice in cinema. It sparked my previously dormant love for Queen and united me with some people in the fandom and in real life; making this movie made Brian and Roger happy; as a result, I like this movie. It brings back a lot of positive recollections, which sometimes is more important than critical discussions. And boy, do I adore those - I’m often critical and I adore analysing stuff academically; but I think that not all daily interactions require those and depending on who’s asking and what about, I’m capable of switching between the two options. If somebody asks me in 25 years whether I remember the times of BoRhap’s release, I’ll be far less likely to say “yeah, the editing sucked and writing was cringy, I remember the discourse on tumblr and instagram” than “Yes, I remember that chilly evening in December when I had a really fun time and ended up with 10 Queen songs stuck in my head”, because the latter is the experience I want to remember.

Thank you for this ask! Hope it wasn’t overly exhausting to read, I didn’t proofread this, sorry! xx

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[megbox]

ok so i do this every year based on things i learned several years ago. i don’t usually post it on to THIS tumblr but this year i thought maybe i would because i have actually always found this helpful~ 

assessment of what i currently do: 

emotional/psychological self-care: 

talk to my friends in our group chat about something stupid/irrelevant because everyone’s hilarious 

avoiding specific places and people who usually make me feel sad and anxious 

writing all of my thoughts down - good, bad, irrational, organized, into a word doc or a tumblr post somewhere. 

community resources help a l o t. 

making a to-do list and finding things to check off of it so that i actually feel productive. 

let myself cry it out if i have to (though i cry so much less nowadays) 

honestly my “for when sad” tag is actually helpful 

ollie

watch blooper reels from tv shows on youtube. literally never fails. 

dance music. LOTS OF IT. 

long drives with my favourite music, usually at night. 

physical self-care: 

runnnnnnnning always #1 

making appointments if shit actually needs to get done (eye doctor, real doctor, physio, whatever it is...) 

long shower/bath/shave/lotion/face mask combo. takes like 2 hours but omg so nice. 

dressing up :) doing my makeup really nice and curling my hair. wearing clothes and outfits that i like and feel pretty in. 

going to bed early. 

planning vacations or trips. 

spiritual self-care: 

lol. like. nothing, 

professional/workplace self-care: 

honestly... when i’m not working like 13 days in a row and they’re all closes... being at work IS self care. 9.5 times out of 10 i feel happy and energized at famoso because i am comfortable with literally everyone who works there, and i know EVERYTHING about how to do my job like nothing can really phase me even if it’s busy like i’ve been in the weeds before i can handle it. famoso is the best. 

making progress with assignments literally from the day they’re due. even if it’s just deciding on a topic for an essay/doing research/finding quotes from articles ... whatever 

volunteering with cool organizations that do work i am interested in and passionate about. 

warning signs/”red flags” that i am not taking care of myself: 

I always know I am entering into a bad time when I feel lethargic and unmotivated to do literally anything. Nothing appeals to me. I will sit at home all day and watch television, waiting for ~4:00pm to roll around so I can go to work, and then I will get to work and be desperate to go back home. Hanging out with friends is the same. I always ask myself in this moments, “if I could do ANYTHING RIGHT NOW what would I do?” and literally nothing sounds fun/enjoyable. 

Focusing on things that happened in the past and becoming obsessive about analyzing it over again. Always seems to go back to my ex (and often caused by some kind of interaction with him). Not always but usually accompanied by the irrational though that none of my friends actually like me and I can’t wait to move away. 

Shyness/total introversion of my personality. Literally cannot bring myself to speak up in groups/meeting new people is agony. 

this year’s plan and philosophy! 

emotional/psychological: 

I think I do a pretty good job of this and am really determined to put even more distance this year between the people/places that always end up making me feel bad and myself. This year I also want to make better use of the incredible resources available to you rather than only as a last-minute/really bad time option. #1 thing is to find some alone time/a place I can go for a second to just yell/cry/write everything down and GET ITO UTTTT. Then go from there. 

physical: 

All of this stuff is connected so I always want to start with physical self-care. If I look and feel a bit better externally I can translate that into good progress internally. Exercise NEVER fails (cause endorphins are the bomb!) same with taking time to make myself look nice/wearing a nice outfit. Also want to make sure I am using my retinol for my skin every single night! And finding recipes to make for myself to eat in the mornings so that I don’t just drink coffee until 2pm. 

spiritual: 

I am so not spiritual. I don’t even think that forcing myself to engage in spirituality would bring me any benefit at this point because it’s not a part of my life at all and I am okay with that. 

professional/workplace: 

My school/work/volunteering gets me out of my weird headspaces when I am alone and so they’re always pretty well-tended to. I’ll just only take on responsibilities I feel I can do well, ask for help when I need it, and keep organized on what I have to get done by when. As per usual :) 

[thehipperelement]

10 Things Only Shitty Designers Do

The more experienced I get, the less I seem to matter in the design process. More importantly, I am not alone. Senior designers experience that shift over time and it makes certain behavior by other designers more transparent. Know this: if you are a junior designer, or if you haven't spent time learning your craft, we see right through your bullshit.

There is probably a version of this list for any profession, because the more you do something, the less amazing it feels to do it, and the more amazing it feels to do it well.

Each of the things below will make you feel more important, more persuasive, or more senior, but by doing them you actually achieve the opposite effect in the eyes of everybody else.

If you want to look like you don't know what you're doing, here are some tips:

****

1) Ask for a long job title.

Young designers want all the fancy words on their business card (and they are excited about having a business card). They prefer UX/UI Interaction & Delight Designer instead of just Designer. 

But think about it: a Designer could be designing cars or chairs or wireframes or hobbit costumes. You ONLY design UX/UI interaction, apparently. Sounds pretty narrow to me. When you add more words to your job title, you are reducing your responsibility, not increasing it.

Nobody gives a shit about your job title. Pick something simple and focus on your work.

2) "I worked on this for so long, it’s awesome!”

Would you say that you did a great job in high school because it took you 5 years to finish? Would you say that you had an amazing visit to the toilet because you needed 45 minutes to push it out? 

Time isn’t always an indicator of quality.

It’s totally ok to take your time! Work on things. Improve them. Learn stuff. Practice! It’s a good thing. Skills take time to build, and it’s always good to build more.

But remember that the person you’re bragging to might be able to make the same thing better and faster than you can. Instead, just say you're proud of what you have done, and ask for feedback to make it better. You can always make your work better.

3) Call yourself an expert.

There is a 99% chance that someone sucks if they introduce themselves as an expert. The job title of “UX Expert” makes me nauseous. And yes, it exists.

None of the best people I know call themselves an expert. And ironically, the reason is something you can only understand when you are really an expert: the amount of knowledge needed to be an “expert” compared to the average person is not that much information.

Einstein didn’t walk around telling everybody that he was a "physics expert", because all the people he respected were also physics experts. Compared to them, he was normal. He just worked on hard things, like real experts do. If you spend all your time with non-designers, you’ll seem like a design genius. But if you are in a room full of design experts, do you want to talk about how much expertise you all have, or do you want to talk about something hard, that none of you really understand yet?

Other people should call you an expert. Just do what you do, well enough to deserve it.

4) Argue over little details.

Caring about details is a good thing. Arguing about small details that won't really change the big picture is a waste of time.

I was once asked which traits set a senior UX designer apart from a junior designer. My answer is here. The short answer: junior designers can’t really see the big picture, so they obsess over the details. If small things seem really important to you and you can’t connect them to a brand thing, or a strategy thing, or a psychology thing, or a scalability thing, then you probably don’t understand how those details fit into the master plan.

They are just your favorites.

Personal favorites are boring when you see the big picture. Master craftspeople understand details as part of the whole. When you see design as a system, your random favorite details might seem out of place, so they lose their “magic”. In a good way. You will also understand that there are 4 or 5 ways to do everything, and all of them might achieve your goal. Instead of arguing, ask questions about the different options that exist, so you learn the ups and downs of each one.

5) Feel validated by famous clients.

Every few years I will end up in a conversation about design awards or designing for famous brands. It is true that famous clients only work with good agencies, so in that sense it’s ok to have those brands on your LinkedIn profile or whatever. Some agencies only want to hire people that have worked at that level before. That’s not what I am talking about here. 

I’m talking about designers who think everything they do is good, because they worked with a famous brand. That’s bullshit.

Feeling talented because your clients are successful is like feeling important because your parents are rich. You’re drinking someone else’s Kool-Aid.

I worked at an agency with a hallway that was just for displaying awards. We literally had conversations about where to put new plaques and trophies because the walls were “full”. 

Lots of our projects won something, because we had big budgets and skilled people. I couldn’t even tell you how many times my work (as part of talented teams) has won awards, or been a “Top 10 something something”. That agency worked with Swedish House Mafia, created real lightning (Nikola Tesla style), and spent three days throwing flower petals in the air to get a really great photo of a cocktail, which was designed by a professional cocktail stylist. And that was for one client.

So when a young designer thinks they are hot shit because they did a 3 month internship at Spotify, it doesn’t go well. It is very possible to do shitty work or be a shitty designer while working for a great client/company with a big budget. It happens every day.

On the other hand, if you re-designed a website for a company I have never heard of, and you can prove that your design sold twice as much as the old site, I will be listening carefully, and I will have questions.

6) Force your ideas into the project. Repeatedly.

Ok, so here’s the scenario. You have this great idea, and you present it to the team. The team shuts down your idea because it is unrealistic, technically. You fight for a bit and then let it go. But you don’t understand why it is technically unrealistic.

A week later, the conversation is about the same topic, and you see it as an opportunity to mention your idea again. Maybe they will like it more now that they have had time to consider it. Nope. Still unrealistic, but slightly more annoying this time.

A week later it happens again. Now it’s worse than annoying. Now they’re realizing that you have no idea why they’re not doing it, and you’re not trying to understand, because your main goal is to get one of your ideas into the design.

Everybody knows what you’re trying to do, and it doesn’t look smarter the fourth time.

7) Ignore the brand, the business, and the paperwork.

When you start designing, it takes a few years just to start designing nice things. There is nothing wrong with that, and it’s normal. There is honor in being a beginner. But part of being a good designer is understanding why you’re designing something, who you’re designing it for, and what your designs are supposed to solve.

Always look for ways to design the right thing, for the right audience, in the most effective way. And understand that you will probably have to create boring documentation for your wireframes, name and organize your layers just to make the developer's life easier, follow brand guidelines that could look better if you broke a few rules, and create presentations that ignore your best work, just to make it understandable for people who don't have your skills. It will be boring sometimes. It will be painful sometimes. You will feel unmotivated sometimes.

And you’re not a professional designer unless you do it anyway. 

8) Say you have “a lot of experience” when you don’t.

This one is hilarious to me. Every time someone tells me they have “a lot of experience” with something because they worked on it for a year, the interview is over.

Remember that you might be talking to someone who has been designing since you were 8, so relative to that, you don’t have a lot of experience with anything. Instead, talk about what you have spent your time on and what you want to learn in your next project/job. It will give the other person an idea of what you know and what you will need help with. And there is nothing wrong with that! It's not bad advice for senior designers either!

9) Treat trends as rules.

This one is a little more subtle, but it’s important. When you don’t have a lot of experience, it means that current trends have existed during a major part of your career. If you don’t realize that — and trust me, senior designers always realize that — then it means you haven’t spent any time learning about other styles of design.

Did you know that flat, geometric design featuring Helvetica used to be called “Swiss Design” like, 70 years ago? Did you know that art and design tend to happen in cycles, so one trend is like a reaction to the trends before it? Did you know that UI “rules” like Apple’s iOS guidelines and Material Design are something that every mature brand has? (And it's alot more than colors and logo downloads.)

Would it concern you to know that VR interfaces will probably go through a skeuomorphic phase first, and then change into something else? So next time you see an Android app that "isn't doing Material Design right", take a moment to realize that you might be the one without all the information.

10) Get defensive when you're not perfect.

One of my favorite quotes is: “A beginner gets excited when they know the answer. A master gets excited when they don’t.” It’s very true. 

The other side of this is also true: a beginner feels insecure when they don’t know the answer and a master doesn’t feel much at all when they do. A master has seen a lot of shit, so it’s not interesting to understand normal things. They want to learn more about the parts they don’t understand. They want to experiment. It’s interesting to be wrong!

Senior designers expect junior designers to make some mistakes. 

So when you miss something, or when your design loses the A/B test, or when your idea doesn’t work, relax! Learn something from it! Get more information. And when you don’t know stuff, just say that! When you’re experimenting for a client, tell them why you’re experimenting, and what the possible results are. And try again!

****

Most of things on this list are simply a matter of ego over results. Instead of acting like it is an achievement to be a designer, start achieving things with design. If you focus your time, effort, and energy on making your work good, instead of making yourself look good, everything else will fall into place. Over a whole career, that’s the difference between great designers and everybody else.

[020483anomalies]

--- I: SIGNALS

I have a very strong belief that I inherently have a genetic disposition towards mental disturbances.

Through development in my adolescent years, I encountered a lot of bullying which was taken very irrationally. Some came from friends I saw and interacted with every day, and this caused a deeper questioning into all my relationships with others. Some of the bullying came from acquaintances, which is easier to shake off, but reinforced a lot of disturbing thoughts towards myself. Many self-hatred thoughts came to absolutes and I was convinced that I was not able to have a normal life. That my brain was not good for me. That no person genuinely liked me, and anyone who did was falling for my ability to "act normal."

In college, a big part of my identity was challenged when I attempted to apply to a competitive major at my university. It led to very depressive episodes, and some were very psychotic. I felt the need to confront all of those who "did this to me" or "made me feel this way." I felt that I needed people close to me to confront those who hurt me, as well. I was convinced that my story would be a spectacle, that I didn't deserve this fate, and that I would be a martyr to end this grotesque treatment of students here. I, stupidly, posted about wanting to commit suicide online. In public.

I ended up being forced into counseling because of suicide threats, except I was already seeking counseling. I felt like my concerns weren't being treated. I felt like I was a concern for the school, and they felt that treating me, as an illness to them, was the solution. It didn't seem like anyone took my problems seriously.

During college, I had a lot of episodes. There was a time I broke in the library and became convinced that my level of intelligence was perfect for committing crimes. I thought that I should impact the world by harming others, because I was a broken person, and this was what broken people did. If the world wasn't going to accept me as a computer science major, I wanted nothing else. My entire childhood was warped around my future self, reinforced through parenting "you can go if you have good grades" and "no, because you need to do this for your future." I shared the homicidal thoughts with my counselor, because it scared me. The next day, I felt none of those feelings. I didn't want to hurt anyone and I don't know why I thought I should. In another incident, while screaming at my mother, I emptied what were about 20 of my antidepressants and ended up experiencing serotonin syndrome. That was the second time. Let's not forget the time I actually got sent to the hospital for being a danger to myself.

In another time, I was convinced that they only way my (now former) boyfriend could prove he loved me, was to use his position as a computer science major to question and confront admissions about my rejection. I was convinced that it was going to be truly cathartic.

This made me question memories that I find embarrassing. When I was 13, I was invited to a birthday party and I said to an acquaintance "this place looks like a run down shack." I literally cannot express how inn appropriate this was. The thing is, it happens a lot. Friends come up to me a few times a year and talk about something I said before, and nothing about what they claim seems to align with any sense of self I have about myself. When did I say this? One time, after dinner with my (former) boyfriend's family, he asked me "why did you say your parents used to yell at you?" and I said "is that weird to say?" There are probably many more, including one that happened last week I still can't admit to at this moment, but obviously, my brain is trying to forget them.

I can't explain to people why I am so extremely happy. I can articulate why I am sad, but it doesn't make sense. I always had very irregular energy levels and mood swings. But growing up female, it was very easy to point the finger towards hormonal issues. There was a time my mother cried over the phone and told me that she made a mistake with that assumption. She deeply regret not addressing or attempting to treat my mental illnesses earlier in life. I cried too.

--- II: HIGH-FUNCTIONING

The problem is, I lose a lot of control over my words when my brain is in an "excited state." I have come to terms that this is something that happens to me with little explanation. I can recognize it, ride it out, and it makes me productive. It's extremely stimulating. Originally, I thought it was an introvert thing; I talked to too many people, so I go home and feel drained. Except it doesn't play out that way for me. I talk to people, get really excited about sharing everything that pops into my mind, no matter how deep, until I go home and realize what I've done. Then I sit with an anxious feeling, guilt, regret, and a general sense that I lost control of myself. This has not gotten better with time.

Over my life, I have exhibited many levels of concerning behavior on several different levels.

Recently, I found myself in a competitive major, with the accepted rate of 29%. I also found myself surrounded my people who occasionally noted their appreciation for me. In addition, I obtained a fairly technical internship. Many positive events in my life, all at once, sparked a lot of joy. I repeatedly boasted about being happy, because I knew people wanted to see me happy. And I felt very, very happy. Everyone has seen me at a depressed state for so long, and I never knew how good it felt to not be haunted by my torturous past.

With added stress, I find myself exhibiting concerning behavior. Because I am fairly well-educated, I have a strong background on harm reduction in substance use. It also gave me avenues for exploring lesser-known substances. Although I remain safe, I find my life revolving around substance use and occasionally dependencies. Not physically dependent, but the mindset "I need this for the most productive day" or "I need one of these to stay awake tonight." For some reason, I felt the need to be a role model of extremes. That someone could be both equally successful as well as live a very "festive" life.

I always thought it was funny. The fact that I was so good on paper, but so terrible in other scopes. Here was this 4.0 GPA, 7 AP tests passed, national honor society, washington aerospace scholar, and cofounder of a FIRST robotics club. On the other hand, I had such strong warnings with sex and drugs. I wasn't the failing school rehab story, I was my own nuanced slew of concerns. Part of this I attribute to growing up in an Asian American culture. To this day, I have never been out of a relationship for more than a few months. The longest I had been single was a summer during college, where I managed several sexual relationships with others in a very reckless way. I was in a relationship with someone 5+ years older at 15, began smoking marijuana too early, and before my 18th birthday experienced other celebratory substances. I ran away from home a lot, snuck out a lot, and fought with my parents all the time. I used to have extreme tantrums, screaming at the top of my lungs. Before 21, the list continues. All these problems were hidden because of my career related success.

Truly, this combination in my youth makes me feel invincible. I gloat about it in my head every single day, and I call it the counting of my blessings. Although I lately believe that this is an overwhelmingly positive view on my life. In the later stages of adolescence, I adopted a lot of coping mechanisms and understood mental health as spectrum and process, rather than diagnoses and treatment. I began to pay a lot of attention to diet and exercise, as well as express gratitude when possible. I developed really strong communication skills to my loved ones. I never pointed fingers or threatened a romantic/non-romantic breakup. I became really, really good at admitting my own feelings even to people who are not very close to me. Vulnerability was my strength, and in a lot of self-help and counseling areas, it is seen as a positive thing.

Unfortunately, being able to control destructive behaviour in the physical world has led come to this: there are no more obvious signals.

I am mindful about everything. I'm not reckless with money because I idealize minimal possessions. I'm not destructive or tumultuous in friendships/relationships because I am aware of where my emotions are coming from and I habitually express gratitude. My school or work doesn't decline because I have all the career advice that prevents me from over-focussing on them.

--- III: SHINING FRAMENTS

When I meet people, I don't think there's a hint that I was ever so mentally ill. I make it obvious through admittance, because I choose to control how others see me. I have so many odd habits and behaviors that are just unexplained if people don't know that I used to have little friends, bullied, and suicidal. For people I cannot have a long conversation with, it is a struggle, because I know what I appear as at first, and on social media, and I struggle with the judgment.

Ultimately, I find that everything does impact my day-to-day life quite a bit. I feel I can never control my emotional reactions; only tame them physically and mentally. I have to spend so many hours of my day recovering from something I feel shame, guilt, or embarrassed about. I get my work done, but only because I mentally know the essential steps I need to take in order to succeed in my career. And when I am working, I feel flustered and unmotivated the entire time. I basically feel "accomplished enough" and can only focus on the desire to waste time or 'celebrate life.'

I think so much that my analytical skills are so valuable in school, work, and friendships, but it's the thoughts that are sending my emotions too far in every direction.

All of the disturbances I experience are hidden. Over time I acquired the skills to manage anger, talk through sadness, practice study skills, exercise, etc. It feels like a full time job to need to manage every aspect of my life to be in control the moment my emotions aren't what I want them to be.

What triggered me to reflect so deeply on this is that I feel so disturbed by my own emotions, even when truly believing and knowing that nothing is truly wrong in my life. Perhaps there may be something wrong with my brain, post-depression. Yet, if it never affects my grades, my work, or even my relationships, no one will ever take it seriously.

But I can't ignore that the way I experience emotions right now is making me lose my sense of self.

[ohforevertwentysomething-blog]

Two Steps Forward & Three Steps Back.

Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, you just don’t seem to make any progress? Well, welcome to my everyday life, which happens to be nothing special. I’m 23 years old, living in a small town filled with unmotivated people who settle in this town like dust after a crazy wind storm. People who live their lives everyday content with what they have rather than striving to do more and be more, which should be the ultimate goal as a human being, right? Wrong. Not here. These people are more concerned with how many Instagram followers they have and the easiest way to have everything they want in life without having to work for it. Doesn’t make sense to me, but then again, nothing does anymore. I’d like to think I’m nothing like those people in this town. I’m motivated. I’m driven. I’m passionate about my career and what my life has in store for me. I’ve spent the last 23 years trying to be something more than what I’m surrounded by. I don’t want to settle. I want more in life and I’m determined to get just that.

But, there’s one thing that seems to be controlling how I live my life — love. The greatest and worst thing that any human can experience. I’ve always been the kind of person that believed in soulmates and that love conquers all. That idea was shattered about 4 years ago when my boyfriend, whom I thought was the love of my life, decided to cheat on me. Talk about devastating. Do you know what it’s like to have a picture in your head of how your life is going to look 5 years from now and to see how perfect everything is and how happy you can be and then wake up one morning and have your world literally turned upside down? It’s awful. It’s terrifying. It changes you. I know how cliche that must sound, but honestly, it does. You lose all self confidence, all motivation to do anything, the desire to love and be loved in return. You become numb. You no longer want to feel because suddenly, that becomes easier, safer, than putting yourself out there and running the risk of having your heart torn out of your chest and stomped on, repeatedly. Don’t get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing. But it’s also so toxic that I can understand why people don’t want to experience it. I swore off relationships for a long time. I refused to open up to anyone or allow myself to be put in that situation again. I had no desire to be in love, or get married one day, or start a family. That was no longer for me. I was better off alone, and a part of me still believes that. Long story short, I went through some dark times, but I picked myself back up. Dated a little, nothing too serious, and eventually decided that the lifestyle I was living was not healthy and that sometimes life is worth the risk. So that brings us to today.

365 days since I first started talking to my boyfriend, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but if you know me, you’d know that it is. I dated, and I put myself out there (halfway). But this time was different. Different in a good way. The kind of different that was equally exciting as it was terrifying. Was it time to actually put myself out there and completely open myself up to someone else and risk getting hurt again? I decided it was. I fell so hard and so fast for this boy that I couldn’t catch my breath. Crazy right? Me, falling in love, wanting that social interaction with someone else, seems ridiculous but it’s true. He changed me. He opened up parts of me that I no longer thought existed. I had shut them down years ago after being hurt and had no intentions of opening them back up. But he did it, and he did it so effortlessly that I don’t even know if he realizes the impact he has had on me. I don’t believe that theres a time frame that relationships are supposed to follow. Love works in crazy ways and some people move quicker than others. For me, I’m moving too quickly and that terrifies me. I see a future with him, crazy enough, I want a future with him, which leads to issue #2 — does he feel the same way?

Beats the hell out of me. We’ve had serious conversations and we’ve discussed our feelings and where we’re at in our relationship. But I still don’t have the answers that I feel I need. My boyfriend is graduating college in a month and decided to take a job at home for awhile to get on his feet. Very smart of him and I’m supportive of that decision. What worries me is that starting next year, he wants to relocate. What does that mean for us? Good question. I don’t know. He’s vaguely mentioned moving together and that he is looking for a serious relationship that he can build on and have last. But in the same breath, he contradicts himself. He reassures me that he’s happy and wants a serious relationship and believes I can be that person that he does that with, but then he turns around and tells me his 5 year plan and it’s centered entirely around himself. Which is understandable. Your 20’s are your selfish years and I’m all about enjoying yourself. But what do you do when your 20’s are coming to an end and you have nothing emotionally substantial to show for it? My 5 year plan is still being written. What I do know is that I’d like to be in the process of owning my own house with that person that I love.. be on the road to marriage and starting a family. (Which seems entirely ridiculous because up until this last year, I didn’t want any of that. I wanted to be alone) I want to be successful with my career and travel to new places. He has a similar plan, being that he wants to be successful with his career and travel the world. But where we differ is he has no desire to settle down. He doesn’t see the point in “rushing”. Is that really rushing? I don’t think so. How can I feel confident in our relationship enough to quit my job and move with him next year when it’s time to relocate, knowing that our 5 year plans are different? Am I being crazy? Maybe over cautious? It’s possible, but what else is a girl suppose to do?

I’ll tell you what I do.. this. I write my thoughts down because if I didn’t, my head would be in a state of constant confusion and chaos and no one wants that. Am I confused? Oh God, yes. I have a boyfriend who reassures me that he “loves me so much” and “wants to build a serious relationship with me” but can’t see himself getting married or settling down anytime before he is 30. I have a boyfriend who tells me over and over again how “serious he is about our relationship” and how “different it is than anything he has ever experienced”, but prefers to graduate college and live with his parents rather than his girlfriend. Who openly tells me that he doesn’t care if I’m at his college graduation because he does not like the idea of a group of people being somewhere for him. So instead of him saying he wants me to be there and be supportive, he tells me if it’s important to me, I can go but he doesn’t care either way. What’s his reasoning? Again, beats the hell out of me. I have yet to figure out his logic. All I know is I’m confused. I’m hurt. And now I’m unsure of what my next step in life is. Do I be selfish and focus on myself and not worry about my relationship? Or do I maybe try a little harder and focus on my relationship rather than just myself?

Stay tuned,

Forever 20 Something.