#bi people are real and they are making me ill

[sinlizards]

hitomi should leave that beast and get with a real man like me

[homophyte]

it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

[cock-holliday]

Yknow I used to believe that bi people just couldn’t make up their minds and commit to being gay. Then had to struggle to accept my own bisexuality. I used to believe transmedicalism and think if you didn’t go on HRT then what was the point? Then had to struggle through all the barriers that kept me from HRT. I used to believe in ‘transtrenders’ who were pretending to be trans for fun because my early transition was miserable and I wanted nothing more than to exist under the radar. Then I became outspoken about my gender, and even learned my gender was not as “simple” as being a binary trans person. Several identities and labels and experiences I was closed off to became “real” when I realized they were me.

Friends and neighbors and community members cannot afford to wait for me (and you) to be them to learn they are real. It isn’t fair to only realize the validity of these identities when it is relevant to me. So it stands to reason that if someone is using labels in a way that doesn’t make sense, if someone identifies in a way that seems silly or flippant—all of those kneejerks were things I held for what I am.

It’s safe to assume those people are just as “real” as I am, and would do well with me not assuming ill-intention when they speak about their experiences. I had so much isolation and assumptions of “invasion”—these others don’t deserve that either. Not because I might ID that way one day too, but because they don’t deserve to struggle like I have struggled.

[restinslices]

ALRIGHT ENOUGH ANGST MY HEARTS DEALT WITH ENOUGH 😭 CAN I REQUEST THE LIN KUEI BOYS TAKING CARE OF A SICK READER?

I also got another fluff request but for Kitana. Y’all make me sick, I could just BAFFGSGTGSGG (me vomiting cause y’all don’t wanna be depressed). Using stupid pictures because I don’t think I have for them yet.

Bi-Han

The haters will try to convince you that Bi-Han wouldn’t give a fuck. That he’d tell you to walk it off or some other mean shit 

I encourage you to ignore them

Bi-Han is snippy but y’all let’s be fr, he’s an older brother. He’s the older brother. He’s definitely been forced to take care of his brothers 

As the oldest brother he’s always had to do shit for his brothers so this is not his first rodeo 

If it’s something small and you’re in the middle of something, like a mission, he’d encourage you to pull through. If you’re not in the middle of something then he’d take care of you 

A small illness can become bigger so he makes sure to address it right away

He knows random remedies you’ve never heard of. Jump down, turn around, pop your ass, swallow a lemon and now you’re ok

You’d recover way quicker with him watching over you 

And if I said he makes you meals will y’all boo me for making him soft?! Idc.

Once again, he’s the oldest. I’m the youngest so I’ve seen how much weight the older ones gotta carry. He for sure knows how to do things like cook, clean, take care of sick people, ect. 

He makes these heavenly soups and just like that, your sore throat is gone 

Soups, teas, a nice healing stew, he’s on it

If you have body aches, he makes you do certain stretches 

You swear this man knows witchcraft because everything he suggests works 

Obviously if you’re heating up he’ll put his hand on you. We knew this was coming.

He’d prefer you to use an ice pack or use a cold rag but let’s be real, you’re not gonna do that when you could just cling onto him 

The best doctor the Lin Kuei has ever seen even if he won’t admit it

The strongest of illnesses mean nothing to him. He’s gonna get the job done 

Kuai Liang

Also a good nurse

He’d ask Bi-Han for some help when it comes to soups and shit. Kuai Liang can cook but he recognizes that Bi-Han got a magic touch 

If you’re in the middle of a mission and feel unwell, he wouldn’t tell you to stop what you’re doing but he has you doing less. He’ll have you behind him and would suggest you to do simple things, like keeping watch 

If you’re not on a mission then he’d pay more attention. You expect that Bi-Han would have you wait and Kuai Liang would treat you right away but I think it’s the opposite. Bi-Han being the caregiver knows how annoying it is to take care of someone really sick (which could have been prevented) and Kuai Liang is the younger sibling who would put off mentioning his illness 

He’d have you track your symptoms at first to see if it’s something serious or something a quick nap could fix 

Lingers around you to make sure you’re ok

Cooks you warm meals if you’re cold but if you’re warm he’ll give you cold liquids 

You can’t sneakily miss taking your medication cause he’s on your ass. Probably has an alarm set and everything 

If you’re overly warm he won’t be all on you because he’s warm, but if you want physical touch he’ll let you hold his pinkie 

Bi-Han gives you remedies even if they taste absolutely vile but I think Kuai Liang would try to give you remedies that don’t taste that bad 

Has you laying down a lot so you can recover quicker. If you have no responsibilities to tend to he’s not letting you get up 

You’ll have to convince him to let you do things like, oh idk, walking around? I have the flu, I’m not dying 

When you start to recover then he lets you move around like normal. He just doesn’t want you exerting yourself and getting worse 

Tries to find out if there’s a certain thing you were exposed to that got you sick so it doesn’t happen again

Tomas Vrbada

Similar to Kuai Liang in the sense that if you’re on a mission he’ll want you to do less intense things, like keeping watch 

He constantly asks if you’re ok and what your symptoms are 

If it was up to him, you’d be sent back home immediately. You’re just gonna get worse and you probably can’t focus 

If you have nothing to do then he’s basically right on top of you

I feel like he has random thoughts he doesn’t want to have and he makes himself paranoid. He’s the type to google his symptoms and legit starts to think he has cancer because WebMD said so

He also thinks out loud so he’s the type to say “what if you’re dying?… that actually wasn’t appropriate. I’m sorry”

Nah, you gotta move now Tomas 

Because of his paranoia he’s constantly checking up on you 

Kuai Liang but worse because you can convince him to let you move like a normal person but that’s not happening with Tomas 

Becomes your nurse and your butler because he’s doing everything for you 

Cooking? He got it. Making tea? He got it. Making sure you take your meds? He got it. Grabbing a cup of water? He got it. Wanna walk to the bathroom? He got strong arms-

He’s neither hot nor cold so feel free to snuggle next to him 

His brothers are soup kind of guys but I think he’s more oatmeal and tea 

Also tries to give you better tasting medicine but sometimes you just gotta thug it out 

If a mission comes up but you’re still sick, he will not let you attend at all 

Constantly drying your blankets so they can be extra warm if you’re cold 

Distracts you by talking about random shit

Only convinced you’re not dying when you’re no longer sick

He’s on your ass 24/7 but it’s Tomas so who’s complaining?

This is not me turning over a new leaf. If I think of something sad, y’all WILL hear about it💕

[cultofsappho]

Ive come to the realization that the reason theres a small but loud group of people who are showing nothing but hate for the rwrb movie is because they have completely unrealistic expectations. People are forgetting that this is a cheesy romantic comedy, thats supposed to look and feel like a cheesy romantic comedy. This isnt going to be moonlight or gods own country or some other critically acclaimed, oscar nomintaed queer film that makes straight people go "hmm maybe they do deserve rights and respect🤷‍♀️"

Its gonna be a cheesy adult romantic comedy, thats gonna be a bit camp and over the top and thats exactly why its so good. I dont want to think about every gay movie I watch. I want to watch it and see two queer people fall in love and thats it. Thats how deep it goes. Maybe a sprinkling of politcal commentary in between.

There is this issue thats become bigger and bigger every passing year, that people expect every bit of queer representation to be the best thing ever. There can not ever be anything cringey or different or silly, and if it is then they send endless hate towards it, and in an industry that already hates to show queer people on screen, its this viscious cycle of someone finally being greenlit to make queer media, the media gets endless hate for not being perfect, the studio cancels the queer media before giving it a chance because theyve just 'proven that it wont make money', suddenly everyone is saying 'why do they keep canceling queer media😢', cycle repeats.

Im so over it. Let gay people be slightly cringy or cheesy or campy. Let queer media exist without putting it on this huge pedestal. Just enjoy things! And if you dont, dont watch it! Move on, find something better to do.

Yes!!! Thank you so much anon for putting this feeling into words much better than I could have!

"I dont want to think about every gay movie I watch."

Thank you.

I want light-hearted rom coms about queer adults just being queer adults and havig fun. I want comedy adventures where the characters just happen to be gay. I want more horror where at the end the final girl kisses a girl and can't belive they lived but not because they're gay. (suprisingly several of these exist and I love it)

I don't always want to think about the plight and horrors of being queer today with every queer movie I watch.

Sometimes, yes of course, I want to be seen on that level.

(Nimona, which came this weekend is a perfect example of a queer movie where I felt very very seen but also had a good time and was an incredibly silly fantasy adventure movie. But, still had the queer expereince intertwined.)

I'm looking forward to a movie that will be 90% rom com, and 10% realism/heavyness. re: being outed is a real thing that happens to people. famous people.

Alex and Henry go through some heavy shit. There's seriously traumatizing stuff at the end of the book. They're both dealing with mental illnesses, complex families, and rock-or-a-hard-place situations. I want all of that honored.

And, at the same time, I'm expecting a straight-to-streaming, mid-budget, movie that had to pass through a LOT of straight hands and board meetings to get to us.

Not to say we should love and accept every queer movie that comes out automatically, they have been done wrong in the past. (example: I skipped call me by your name bc the age gap still makes me too uncomfortable to watch)

But we have to give queer movies a chance to fit the genre they were made for, the tone they are made to be, and give queer creators a chance to show they are us annd they know us. The director is Bi. He's spent so much time going on about how much he related to Alex that he needed to make this movie. It's his first directing role, and I'm giving him a chance.

[starrmarr]

Just woke up. Can’t wait to finish getting my degree(s) and work in cognitive psych research and wherever else life takes me in my mission to expose how psychiatry, and clinical pharmapsychology, is a money-grab pseudoscience that has everyone by the balls. The doctors of TikTok will be so mad, the feds will be listening, I will keep publishing. Y’all are gonna have to kill me. Everyone has a mental illness now, not even realizing how much it’s all a byproduct of advertising. “De-stigmatizing” my ass, you’re a customer. Psychiatry is inherently fascist and cultish. They never did a test for the “chemical imbalance” they said you have, did they? They “just know”, because their Bible tells them so, and so on and so forth. Once you are named, the authority to hold you against your will is handed over as your privacy is violated. You are never given clear instructions for recovery either, despite the “YEARS of research proving your illness”— kindness and responsibility towards yourself involve prioritizing your daily dose, presumably for life. Mischief managed. Kidney failure or thyroid disease because of all the lithium you take? Solution: another doctor, another cocktail.

Diagnoses work like activation phrases. There is a mental illness for believing you have a mental illness when you don’t— imagine that. A doctor once told me, when I was at the height of crisis, that it is difficult to know whether highly intelligent people are sick or not— that’s when I knew, I took control ever since. With that being said, a lot of what people experience is real, that isn’t what I’m trying to say. We just aren’t as helpless as they make us seem. Whatever. So much to do. I’m gonna be the female Szasz of my generation. We’re gonna get fucking freeeee! My psychiatrist has no explanation for my remission, I’m bi-winning and sometimes I flush my Adderall down the toilet. Sometimes I take it when I need to be a zombie, for the sake of others, of course.

[prototypesteve]

1994. A little story about my asexuality being misinterpreted (by a professional) as a disorder, and how that led to years of trouble.

Animation Description: An aromatic-asexual sense pride flag, onto which someone writes "So the thing is��� I don't think I've ever had what my friends say would qualify as a real crush, and even after four years of college I still haven't started dating, but maybe the weirdest part is that I've never wanted to." Then, abruptly and violently black paint is spattered across the message and in white text someone superimposes the dismissive message "It's just low self esteem! – Expert opinion"

In 1994, I went to see a counsellor.

What happened was some friends and I were just talking about life. We were all in our early 20s, and so of course sex came up, and I confided that no, I hadn’t had it yet. In fact, I hadn’t even been on anything that would qualify as a date, yet.

I’ve always had good luck with friends. Instead of teasing me about it, one of them gave me the name of a counselling clinic, because they thought it might be worth checking that everything was okay, and there wasn’t something getting in the way. (It was the 1990s, and Generation X didn’t have taboos about getting help.) So I made an appointment.

I described what we’d now call textbook aromantic asexuality. I explained that I was 22, and hadn’t yet been in a relationship. I hadn’t even had anything like a crush. I hadn’t experimented; no kisses on a dare. I had pretty good friendships with guys and girls, but nothing closer than friendship. I felt “behind schedule,” especially because my friends all found it odd that I was still inexperienced.

The counsellor gently asked if I felt it was because I wasn’t allowed to be “experienced”. They noted that I referred to everything euphemistically. Experienced. Relationship. Spark. Feelings. Dating. I never said love, sex, aroused, boyfriend, or girlfriend. I never said romance. Was it because my parents had some strict taboos around seeing girls while I was just fresh out of college, when I should be focused on my career? (I’m half Japanese so that was plausible.) Was it because I felt I wasn’t allowed to love the people I felt attracted to, because I might have been gay or bisexual and hiding that? (Also a fair question, because, sadly, the 90s still weren’t a safe or fair time for my gay and lesbian friends—I didn’t know that I knew any bi or trans people at the time, although I’m sure I did.)

I thought about it. The honest answers were no. My family didn’t make me feel like dating was inappropriate or wasteful, and I just didn’t feel anything “special” for any of my guy friends (and I had guy friends who were comfortable telling me they were gay).

I went on. I explained that I felt happy. I didn’t see any obvious signs of depression or illness or anything. All I felt was a little embarrassed about being so far behind all my friends. Not dating, not “feeling the spark”, not having a “type,” and not having any thoughts on a future family all made me feel immature, and like maybe I had some kind of developmental thing going on. I knew what all those things were. I wasn’t some sheltered or repressed prude. I just wasn’t doing any of that stuff. Not even the perfectly innocent stuff like having a crush, or even really having a “type.”

But it was 1994 and counsellors didn’t have asexual or aromantic on their list of things it might be. So the best the counsellor could guess was that I just didn’t feel good about myself. It must have been low self esteem. (The early 90s still reeked of the yuppie success-or-die greedhead era.) Their guess was that I might have felt my sexuality was something I didn’t feel I had earned the right to access yet, evidenced by my using euphemisms to describe love, romance, and sexuality.

They suggested I read “Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy” by David Burns, and not worry, because some people are just late bloomers.

And I left there, redirected away from a truth that neither of us knew about. And it would be nearly thirty years before I “reopened the case”, and asked the same questions and got a better answer: Some people experience little to no sexual or romantic attraction. They aren’t necessarily repulsed by sex, or driven away by trauma. They might even have perfectly natural responses to sexual stimuli either alone or with others, but they just don’t feel “I want that, and I want it with this specific person, or this specific sort of person”. They call those people aromantic and/or asexual, based on a presumption that romantic and sexual attraction can sometimes be experienced independently.

I learned that in 2022.

I needed to know that in 1994.

I know I’ll gradually get over that. But yeah. I feel a lot of things about it. Some of them are bad things. But what I’m going to choose to feel about it is grateful that the person who needed answers in 1994 made it to my answers in 2022, and didn’t fall apart in 2022 when I found those answers.

I didn’t let that lost time break me. I didn’t let the mistakes I made crush me. I didn’t find anyone to blame. (That counsellor in 1994 wasn’t hiding anything from me. The world just didn’t talk about people off the Kinsey Scale.) I didn’t let it derail my faith. Asexuality isn’t a curse, and our confusion and fear about the gift of being different like this isn’t the Gift-Giver’s fault.

I’m just going to keep moving. With answers. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

[dear-ao3]

(to saph) dude i think you need to think about why you’re so offended by someone making a lighthearted joke as queer internet people often do about your sexuality? yeah it was parasocial but that’s like What People Are Like and you truly could’ve just been like ‘lmao i’m straight saph is just my name’. referring to urself as sapphic online and having nicknames based off it as a wlw person is extremely common - anon was jumping to a conclusion, sure, but not being actively malicious it was just a joke a queer person thought they were making to another queer person. and then to respond to that with ‘i literally have a whole ass boyfriend’ like sapphic people…. can’t be attracted to men? like okay? that’s not… relevant? having a boyfriend ≠ being straight and this is weird behaviour coming from a straight person. i’m truly not trying to be rude or aggressive i’m a fan of your blog i just think that if you’re straight interacting with the lgbt community you need to think about what you’re saying and if you’re reiterating harmful stereotypes

hello anon.

if you have followed me for quite some time you would know that this is not the first time people on the internet have done things like this. i have explained myself a great many times as to why i dont like it, but i dont know where the original post is so ill do it again.

its weird? as i said, real people run this blog, dont make hcs about me. (this is not the only one ive gotten either, people are insistent that my boyfriend is a bi icon (hes also straight) and that katya and i were dating (we have never) etc etc)

this is tumblr, if people want you to know their sexuality its in their bio.

i was bullied by someone from 6th-12th grade about how i was "definitely gay" and "didn't like men" and "couldn't be straight" and "no saph you're definitely at least bi" and "why are you talking about being attracted to men, you dont like them" when i was too young to and didnt have the means to explore my own sexuality just because they thought being straight was a cardinal sin. what people can mean as a lighthearted joke is ultimately not funny, especially when people tell you to stop or that it is not funny.

i have never once posted anything about my sexuality being anything other than straight (and even then ive hardly said that). so i dont know why its okay to come into my inbox and make said jokes (if i had posted that i was not straight then it would be a different story)

i am not a homophobic person. i do not give a flying fuck what anyones sexuality is. that does not affect me or my personal life. what does affect my personal life is when people try to force labels upon me that i have said a great many times do not fit me or my life

[kiruyeen]

listen if you go into g3 thinking it will be just like more episodes of g1 youre gonna be very disappointed. like yeah if I had to choose between them Id choose g1 as it cant be beat, but g3 has its own unique charm and is really good if you accept that the g3 cast isnt gonna be a carbon copy of the g1 cast. they arent meant to be! theyre new takes on their character, by definition, a new generation. yes I still have criticisms for it but also it did a lot of stuff better!

first off, a trans character IN a queer relationship. Ive always related to frankie but gen 3 especially does them so well and no matter what you say them and cleo's relationship is adorable. also I see a lot of you treat them like just a girl who uses they/them pronouns (or ignore that theyre non-binary at all) just because they dress femininely, and I am judging you. their relationship is trixic, not sapphic, and frankie is unlabeled and cleo is bi so theyre not lesbians either. frankie is not your theythem girl or theyfab or whatever. grow up. deuce is also theorized to be trans or intersex and is also canonically aromantic and I fucking love that as well. "b-but my nostalgia abt cleo and deuce" Im still nostalgic about them too and it was nice seeing the "mean girl" and her boyfriend have a healthy relationship but again this is a different take on their character, and I can happily say I could see their g1 versions identify this way as well if mattel wasnt such a coward back then.

next, lagoona. Ill be honest I was one of the biggest haters of g3 lagoona at first, pink skin, vsco girl ass fashion, "this aint my lagoona, she's way less edgier than the others AND g1" Id say, but she really grew on me, and as someone who frequently rewatches g1 as well, I notice she is a LOT more well developed than her g1 counterpart. g3 is fierce and is afraid of no longer being seen as such due to also having "cutesy" interests, and loves graphic novels and sometimes sees them as more true than real life. she also has anxiety and copes with them in an unappealing fashion (chewing). she makes up for her lack of edgy looks with her edgy personality. meanwhile g1 is just.... aussie and loves her boyfriend. g3 is still very sporty and cares for her friends (and crush) a lot, but now has personality past that, she can even find fault in her crush while still loving him, while g1 lagoona just saw gill as the perfect incarnate. g3 just overall, has more fleshed out monsters than g1.

more about deuce, I see a lot of people headcanon him as trans and I love that, but I personally believe he may be intersex. "but both of his parents and his sisters are female, there is no y chromosome in their heritage so how could he develop a y chromosome or testosterone" you may ask, but worry not for I have a biology special interest and am more than willing to explain! deuce's parents are a harpy (bird monster) and a gorgon(snake monster), and both birds and snakes are known to have NOT X and Y chromosomes to determine sex, but Z and W, and it works the other way around! meaning the offspring with zw chromosomes will be female while the offspring with zz chromosomes will be male! and due to deuce being out of the sex norms of both harpies and gorgons (having no males), he is considered intersex! again, I have nothing about his trans headcanons, but him being intersex makes more sense to me. and I LOVE it if thats the intention.

either way, even if I have my criticisms, I love g3, yes its not comparable to g1 but theyre different series!

[moochalove]

Last Nights Mistakes and New Beginnings (Part 4-5)(Final)

(yandere!kazuha x pregnant!reader x scaramouche)

Did you know they call me the yappinator? Anyways i’ve been meaning to finish it but i’ve been busy w school but now i have the time so i will be yapping away more (posting a little more)🗣️ Get cozy bcs this is long asf!

Reader is bi-icon! (+ trauma) If imma be fr, the beginning is a little off bcs i wrote it weeks ago (im lazy and i will not fix it🥶) ANYWAYS ILL STOP YAPPING! TY FOR READING 🤭 (if u do😡)

word count: Pretty fucking long ❤️

proofread: HELL NO! 😋 fill in the gaps/mistakes for me pls🫶

TW: Stockholm syndrome

Arriving at the mall you think about making a break for it but these heels prevent you from doing so. With enough for the heel would surely snap though… Noted. Reaching for the door handle you’re stopped and pulled into a kiss. It’s a little uncomfortable but you play it off with a smile, “Don’t worry Kazu, I’m not gonna run off~” “I know darling, but this is the start of our new life so allow me to take the lead. Don’t worry your pretty mind about anything.” With that, he places one last peck onto your face. Once again, he is opening the door for you and you guiding you to the some shops. Immediately you notice his firm grip on your waist, and it’s uncomfortable. He said you would be buying clothes but you now realize he meant he was picking clothes FOR you. You’re in the dressing room and he has you trying on all these cute coquette clothing. It feels a little uncomfortable but you try to get used to the feeling of the outfits. Some are loose, and some are tighter. In your mind, you already knew which ones you liked based on the texture, design, etc..

Whenever you came out to show off an outfit you felt like a real couple. Showing off your outfit and making comments, no matter what you wore he seemed to agree it looked good on you, even if you didn’t think so. Something feels wrong about this but you can’t help but smile when he looks at you so adoringly.

You guys go to about three more shops, all of them having a different theme. By the time you were done, it was mid-afternoon. Both of your feet were killing you… not to mention you were hungry… You both agree to stop and get something to eat.

You arrive at a very familiar restaurant… Weren’t you just here? When was that though? If it was important surely you’d remember!

•

•

•

Scaramouche was frantic, to say the least. You weren’t answering his messages… Has something happened? He needs to get to you asap, but how? What if you’ve been removed from your home? If it came to it he could ask his mother to track you down, since she had that kind of power.

Knocking on the door he’s anxious, and hoping he would be met with a bright smile and worried hushing telling him that you were okay. After about a minute he knocks on your room window… No reply. Should he wait around? No, that’ll take too long. After some contemplation, he decides to reach out to his mom.

They have a long talk before she eventually caves. It feels like it’s been forever since she’s seen her child and when he comes back he’s on an adventure trying to get his girlfriend back. She didn’t think situations like that existed but he’s shown her the possibilities are endless. The way he talked about you so dearly gave her the impression you were a thing. Since she’s such a good and caring mother, it’s the least she can do for her future daughter!

Maybe he should’ve emphasized that you were just friends even though he wished for more

From what some super normal and not shady people told him, you were last seen at that restaurant you both had visited yesterday. Why were you there? That didn’t matter right now! Furrowing his eyebrows he sat there and thought long and hard. How was he going to get to you? Kazuha would most likely be glued to your side so directly approaching was out of the question. Could he signal you to him from afar? No, that probably won’t work… Pounding his forehead slightly he couldn’t form a good plan.

“You seem troubled, Doll.” A sly finger guided itself through his short purple locks.

“What do you want, Miko? I’m busy and-“

“You know it’s nice to run away then come running back when you need help. Your mother was on edge for weeks. Spending whatever free time she had looking for her poor child. Always looking for you despite her own needs.”

“Did you come to ask me what’s wrong only to turn around and try to guilt trip me? You don’t change, do you?”

Without saying anything she placed a bag next to him and then made her way to the door. Peeking through the bad he looked back to her fleeting figure before shouting out, “Wait! What is this for? You really expect me to forgive you with this bag full of clothes?! Plus, this has girl stuff in it anyways-“ “Silly Kuni! This is to help you get your girl back!” “Excuse me?!” Miko sighed while shrugging, “And you say your moms are no help! C'mon, you have to think outside the box, silly!” Taking the bag back she pulled out the cutest dress you’ve ever seen along with tights and heels. “It’d be stupid to approach her directly. You have no idea what kind of mental state she’s in, she may not trust any other man or claim she’s fine with her captor.” Digging deeper into the bag she pulled out a long wig that happened to be the same shade as his own hair, “So you have to coax her out as someone willing to understand and help her out of the situation!” Before he knew it he was all dolled up, shifting uncomfortably in the dress and trying to adjust his posture and his footing, constantly brushing his much longer locks back while puckering and rolling his lips that had a gloss applied to them. Would this really work?

“Miko, I don’t think this is gonna work… I don’t make a very convincing girl….” he awkwardly fussed with his bangs before glancing over at her. Miko held her phone up and with a click and a flash the very image of… whatever this was… saved onto her phone and probably being backed up to her cloud. “Oh, you look just like your sister!” Placing her phone back in her bag she shooed him out of the car before, then rolled down the window offering a few words, courtesy of her never-ending-kindness! “Just be kind to her, her heart will surely realize who you are... Or don’t! Maybe she’ll see through all of this!” Scaramouche could only grit his teeth as she motioned her hand at him. “I’ll be waiting here so once she comes to her senses I won’t be far. Plus! Wouldn’t want you to try and be all hero-like only to trip and fall in those cuttteee heels of yours!”

•

•

•

Spoonful after spoonful you swallowed whatever food had been shoved into your face. Were you even hungry? Not that it matters. At this point, you’ve come to treat this as if it were a real date! Yet your heart doesn’t skip a beat when he cups your face. A couple of people do glance over at you both awkwardly but that smile of yours tells them you’re just a young couple in love. It goes on like this for a few more minutes before beautiful swaying locks catch your eye, it’s true you’ve been ignoring the faces of those who’ve been passing by, but this face is stunning. Your heart skips a beat when your eyes meet each other. Now something about all this feels familiar but you can’t quite pin it down just yet. Kazuha notices how your attention is drawn away from him and he immediately pulls your chin towards him, “Is something the matter my love? You seem distracted.” He bluntly states as his eyebrows furrow slightly in frustration. “A-ah, no, I just…” Perhaps you were scared or maybe still stunned by that girls beauty but you can’t seem to form a coherent thought. He shifts around in his seat a little, ever so slightly moving his chair to block your view of the girl. With a short ‘ahem’ you brush it off as just seeing someone you thought you recognized.

If you look past his intense gaze you can still kinda see her fussing with her long hair. A waiter shows her to her table that so happens to be next to yours. You bite your tongue to hide a giggle when you see her awkwardly try to walk in heels, maybe she’s not used to them? Once she sits down it’s obvious she’s not used to wearing such feminine clothes, the way she keeps lifting her feet off the ground and sliding them farther out, or how she pulls the hem of her dress down even though it’s past her knees. The way she covered her mouth and spoke in a quiet meek voice told you maybe she was shy. Kazuha glanced at you both, almost trying to understand the connection you guys had but signed in defeat, “I’m gonna use the restroom then pay for our food. Don’t go anywhere.” And with that, he was gone but surely it wouldn’t take him long to be back.

Scaramouche had to be quick about this. The least he could do is get you outside.

Trying to keep his ladylike demeanor he tried starting the conversation with something normal. Of course, this meant he would have to speak a little louder in order for you to hear in the louder environment. He would be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t “practiced” his female voice.

“Isn’t the food here the best?”

Taken aback by how cute she sounded you cover your mouth slightly. “She even has a cute voice!”, you thought to yourself. Once again stunned you take a moment to respond.

“Y-yeah!” your response is a little fast-paced but she just smiles in response. “Haha, you seem a little nervous, what, too stunned by my looks?” Even though he was supposed to be portraying a meek, innocent girl, he couldn’t help but still be cocky. It’s as if you were on autopilot with the way your response was the same yeah…

Part of you felt like that’s something he would say. Who was he again?

“It’s a little stuffy in here, don’t you agree? How about we get some fresh air?” The girl suggested so innocently that you’d completely “forgotten” what Kazuha told you NOT to do. As if you’d been under a spell you followed a girl you didn’t even know the name of out of the restaurant. Her name! You need her name! This can’t be the last time you see each other you need her contact info! You reach to where you would normally keep your phone only for your attention to be stolen away by her.

She handed you her phone that had a picture of a very certain cat. Your heart fastens as you start to recall some things, you couldn’t submit to someone who only half-loved you. No, you had to get home to your first baby. Tears threaten to spill as everything comes back faster than you can comprehend.

He didn’t love you, no, he never did. If he did he would’ve stayed the first night. He was just looking for something to sedate his own woes. You come to the realization that your delusions you made up to protect yourself were false. You haven’t been in love for years like your mind had told you, you don’t know what he really feels, you just filled in the blanks with lies your mind fed you. In reality, you’ve probably only really known each other for a couple of days, during those 4 months you spent pregnant and alone your brain spun a story as if you were real lovers. Hating yourself could come later but for now, you need to get a grip and get out of here. Suddenly you’re caught up to speed and all it feels like you’re gonna vomit, your clothes feel tighter and you can feel your own skin, every pore feels open and you hate every second of it. What feels like hours is only a matter of seconds.

A hand is gently wipes your tears away,

“It’s time to go, Y/n.”

“I cant.. I’m sacred. I-“

“Don’t be. I'm here now, and I’m not letting you go.” He looked so serious, although a little funny since he was still in his getup.

Reaching for your wrist he gently and slowly led you farther away from the establishment and closer to your getaway car.

Both of your steps got faster and faster. You didn’t want to look back, no, you shouldn’t.

A voice you’ve come to hate shouts out to you. Ears pound loudly and your heart skips several beats when you hear fastened footsteps approaching. A wave of pain crashes onto you when your lower back aches in pain. You stop even though you don’t want to and clutch your stomach in retaliation.

You have to move right now otherwise he’ll catch up. Scaramouche turns back around for you and effortlessly picks you up and carries you to the car. When he turned to place you in the car he’s sure Kazuha has seen his face. Crap… Not like it mattered right now. He rushes to the other side of the car but is pulled back by a hand that is placed on his back, it’s cold and uncomfortable. Almost as if it triggered something in him he shouts and pushes him back into the ground.

Once Scaramouche is in the car Miko doesn’t hesitate to slam on the gas pedal and get you both somewhere safe.

Final Part:

When you wake up you’re in a very comfy bed. Moving your legs a little you wince uncontrollably. Memories come flooding back and your eyes dart to where Scaramouche is sitting. A smile makes itself known on your face and you reach out to him. He melts into your touch but avoids looking at you. You know you messed up big time by not running away from Kazuha like you should have… But you were in a deranged state! Surely he won’t blame you completely. Breaking the silence you ask him what’s wrong.

“I know we kinda just met but I hope you know I love you…” he trailed off, still avoiding eye contact. “I always have… It’s a shame you don’t remember me. If you did then I guess you could technically say we didn't just meet.”

Huh? You two knew each other? Maybe he’s got the wrong person. Innocently you ask, “Have we met somewhere before? I’m sorry but I don’t seem to ever recall-“ “Just take a good look at me and try to recall. We used to be playmates when we were little. Your parents were busy like mine so they would drop us off at that one daycare.” Your eyes squint as you take a good look at him, “And we went to school together for a little while- I tried stealing your pen-“ Eyes widening you can’t help but burst out laughing.

Now you remember him!

“It’s you! I- How could I forget? Oh my gosh, it seems work has made me forget my younger days!” Covering your mouth to hide a smile you can’t help but laugh a little louder. His face seems upset but eventually melts into a smiling one along with you. For a couple of moments you both laugh and exchange playful banter. Everything in the world is right at that moment.

But once again, your mistakes will catch up with you.

After the laughing dies down he squeezes your hand and places a handle on your stomach. This causes you to shift uncomfortably but you try to play it off as a cramp.

“When the Doctor came to relay your status he told me one bit of information that… you probably didn’t want me to know.”

Oh shit. Oh shit- Your heart fastens and you try to muster out a response but it hitches in your throat. “I-I canexplain p-please let me-“You fumble your words and tears pool up in your eyes.

With an affirmative squeeze to your hand he smiles softly, “It’s okay.”

“But it’s not- I messed up and now-“ You covered face with your hand, attempting to hide yourself away from him.

“And now- we can work this out, together. I promise I will do my best to be a good parent. If you’d just give me a chance- A chance to take care of you and your child. I would do anything to be with you once and for all. Please, Y/n, don’t leave me again.” His hand came up to yours pressed against your face, and slowly removed it from you.

A part of you feels raw, and exposed, yet, this time it’s different. Part of your brain tells you to run from his affection but the other part feels so defeated that you just want to cry into his chest and beg him to stay with you. Lucky for you he was willing to stay with you. Even if you were going to have your kidnapper's baby. Leaning into him you cried out all your sorrows that had been bottled up for the past couple of months. All he could do was rub your back and listen to you cry your heart out.

It felt good to finally tell someone how you truly felt. How much has been troubling you? Although you’re sure if you were to tell this to a professional you’d been locked up….

After you’re done crying you wipe your tears and take a deep breath. Your chest and shoulders feel lighter. The whiplash of everything could hit you later, you couldn’t care less right now. All you wanted to do was eat, stretch, and take a nap.

Scaramouche looked at you dead in the eye and you feared the worst. Was he joking? Did he actually hate you and never want to see you again? Did-

“Goddamit- I dropped my wig…”

You stare at each other for a second before you burst out laughing. “That’s a shame! You didn’t look half bad in it~” you joked. “Oh please- You were head over heels for me and you know it!” “Ah, you got me there! Who knew you’d make such a fine girl! If only you could say the same about you know-Ow!” he punched your shoulder gently, but considering your current state it hurt more than he intended. “I’m sorry, Y/n- I-“ He checked the area to see if it was bruised or anything but was immediately met with a flick to the forehead. “Ow-!” “Haha, got you!” “You little-“

Both of your bickering would soon die down as soon as his parents would enter the room. It was obvious how you both turned stiff as boards. Acting as if you weren’t pulling each other’s hair like you once had.

Ei placed some flowers on the bed stand and Miko would sit down on the bed with some sweets in hand. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Miss Y/n.” Ei bowed politely, “I’m not sure if my son had mentioned us to you. If not it’s alright- But we are his parents.” Miko started feeding some cake with a fork as she nodded along. “I’m very happy to see you make my son happy. It used to worry me that my son would die alone-“she feigned a tear falling from her eye. “MOM.” Blush spread across Scaramouche’s face as he crossed his arms. “Ah, excuse me, that’s beside the point! What I mean to say is that you shouldn’t worry about the wedding founding- Your new moms will buy you everything you will need-“ “THATS NOT ANY BETTER!” He exclaimed even redder. She smiled so innocently all while still looking a little confused. Miko finally chimed in, “What she means to say is that she supports you both no matter what. Even if you don’t think she agrees with you,” she turned her head towards him, “she believes you both will make the right choice. We hope you both can treat this as a new beginning. As I like to say, carpe diem!” “You never say that.” Ei tilted her head with a soft smile. “Well, I do now!”

All four of you burst out laughing. You guys talk a little more before they leave for their business dinner. Once again you and Scara are alone.

“Are you really sure you’re okay with marrying a pregnant woman?” “Of course I’m fine with it, since it being you and all.” Rubbing the back of his head he laid his head down on the bed, “Are YOU sure you wanna get married right away? Just because my mom mistook us for dating already doesn’t mean we should skip that part… Plus, what if you don’t like who I am…” You pet his soft purple hair with a smile, “Well, as long as you promise not to be a complete asshole, then I suppose we’ll be just fine!” “You think I’m an asshole?” “Haha, anyways…. What kind of wedding cake should we have? I was thinking of a [favorite flavor] cake! Ooohh and we can look at the different types of venues! Ah, I guess after that we need to plan a baby shower!”

He’d completely tuned you out and just stared at you, lovingly. Your skin glowed perfectly from the artificial light, and that smile of yours was perfect. You no longer looked tired and stressed; instead, you looked happy and not so tired. He couldn’t blame his ex-friend for falling for you. Although he feels a little jealous that he’s seen parts of you that now belong to his eyes only now.

Fingers tap up and down on the bed as if he’s contemplating something. You take notice and tap his shoulder, you ask if he’s listening. Suddenly he gets up- His soft lips are placed against your slightly chapped ones. It’s warm. Your eyes widen in surprise as you slowly melt into the kiss.

Once he pulls away you’re both gasping for air. Out of embarrassment, he hides his face in your neck. He’s embarrassed- you are too. “A-a little warning would’ve been nice. I was talking yknow?” “Shut up before I kiss you again..” You knew he was too embarrassed to do it again so you teased, “Yeah, I think you’d like that-“ Instead of another passionate kiss he instead peppered kisses all over your face. “I hate you.” “I love you, Scara.”

•

•

•

The wedding went amazing since his parents had done most of the planning (of course you both directed them) And your baby shower went just as well! Initially, you were both worried a certain someone would catch wind of it- and you’re sure he did. Thankfully the place was heavily guarded (, courtesy of Miko) and was also in a secluded area, along with there being a very strict guest list. You both already knew the gender so the part just consisted of fun baby shower games and many gifts from your friends and families.

You had been getting intensive therapy for the rest of your pregnancy. Those couple of months left you with deeper wounds than you had thought. Of course, you still have trouble with going out on your own and you’ve completely dropped going out (since you’re a mother now ofc) When you do have to go out alone you wear your hair differently each time along with a mask and sunglasses. Whenever someone gets a little too close they happen to get stopped by someone. Your bad dreams usually consist of you trying to run away but your legs move slowly or trying to scream but nothing comes out, and other things you’d rather not discuss...

Your delivery went well and luckily you gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Ei and Miko informed you that you had a week to name him. On the fifth day, you and Scara decided on [name], since you both liked the name and agreed on it. When both of the families came to see him you got the chance to meet Scara’s aunt and sister (who both happened to be named Makoto, although Scara called his sister Raiden since she was “scary”) The boy was blessed with your hair color (he has a red streak through it) but had his fathers eyes. At first, it scared you but with some affirming words from both sides of the family and your lover, you’ve grown to love them.

Some of your friends and family didn’t approve that Scara wasn’t the father, some even berating you and calling you names. The name-calling mostly came from Scara’s side of the family. Area

On your son's first birthday, he spoke his first words. “Mama!” You nearly cried tears of joy when he said that. Scaramouche frowned and pinched the boy's cheeks gently with a huff. Much to his surprise the boy spoke again, “Daddy!” Now both of you were crying tears of joy. You swaddled your boy in the softest blankets before you both cuddled him off to sleep. Both not believing you had been blessed with such a joy.

Once your son has gotten a little older he learned how to say the cat’s name, always gesturing his hands and babbling, “Meowmeow!” The now healthier cat would come to the boy and rub its head against your son accompanied by a purr.

Once he turned two years old you noticed how he started taking after his father, often mimicking him by making an angry face and huffing. All you could do was smile and kiss him while his father pouted behind you both. One time you had joked around with your young son by asking him, “What face does daddy make when he’s angry” and your son crossed his arms with a scowl on his face. You burst out laughing while your husband messed with his hair pretending to be upset.

You went back to work while Scara was a stay-at-home husband. On stressful days you would come home, sore and tired, but the moment your eyes laid on Scara’a resting figure along with your sons. Well, your heart simply melted into mush as you took about 30 pictures of them from all angles. You were convinced that all of the time you spent alone and suffering was worth it for this moment.

It felt like that person was a bad dream- but now, you’re wide awake and ready to face the future with your loving husband, and adorable son.

Gawdamn I don’t stop yapping🙏 If you read all of this ty pookie!! there will be a $10 mil block of gold under your pillow when you wake up 😍😋 I will be writing some hcs (maybe) and a scenario where u encounter kazuha w your kid soon!!! (i promise) Anyways i’m knocking tf out… BAI><!!

♡ taglist: @swivy123

[blubushie]

Are there some things you dislike about fans' interpretation of the other mercs?

Yeah uh. This is long so it's under the cut. Whole TF2 fandom boutta be like 2Fort on my arse.

I hate how people make Medic "evil". He's fun and goofy and likes doing experiments and he'll betray the people paying him for the sake of his long-time coworkers who he's mates with. He's not evil, he's not manipulative, outsmarting the LITERAL DEVIL doesn't make you a bad person. There is literally nothing in canon to point to Medic being evil except MAYBE stealing a bloke's spine (coulda been dark humour for all we know) and turning a criminal into a sentient pumpkin, which is something that Engie HELPED HIM DO but no one goes around calling him evil. Medic is chaotic good or chaotic neutral, he is not evil.

The amount of people who are downright racist about Demo, or the amount of people who reduce his addiction to the butt of a joke. There's a lot of shit that I notice. They act like Demo isn't fiercely loyal—look at his relationship to his mum). They act like he's lazy because he's an alcoholic—HE HAS 3 JOBS AND WANTS MORE, HE WASN'T LAZY IN THE COMICS HE WAS DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE LOST ALL HIS MATES. On the other end of the coin, you have people insisting that Demo's alcoholism isn't as bad as it actually is, as if substance abuse is a fucking moral failing and they can't have their blorbo be a bad person by just letting him be the alcoholic he's shown to be in canon.

As an intersex man: do not get me fucking started on the amount of intersex+NB headcanons I've seen of Pyro. People need to realise that like the rest of the human population, most intersex people are cis, that gender is not equivalent to sex, and that EVERY intersex character being non-binary promotes a harmful stereotype. Actually I'll be honest—I side-eye EVERY intersex Pyro headcanon what's made by a perisex person. Most the time they give off massive virtue signal vibes and I really don't like how the second you can't clearly determine someone's gender people immediately go "ah, intersex" like we're all visually androgynous. I also don't like how the person MOST OTHERED ON THE TEAM is always given the intersex headcanon. It doesn't make me feel represented, it makes me feel like everyone already seems me as an other and that's all I'll ever be.

People who act like the pronoun police and insist Pyro's pronouns are they/them. Canonically Pyro is always and consistently referred to as he/him except when he's being dehumanised by his own team and called it. It's cool if you headcanon Pyro as using they/them, just remember it ISN'T CANON and you shouldn't be getting on people's arse about non-canon pronouns. What are you a cop?

On a similar vein, the amount of people who infantilise Pyro. Pyro was literally the CEO OF A COMPANY who was responsible for RECORD PROFITS OF THAT COMPANY. Pyro is an adult. People assume that because Pyro hallucinates or enjoys "childish" things that it means Pyro's a child. Please be fucking normal about mental illness, my god.

People who make Scout transfem for the sole purpose of shipping Scout with Pauling, worse even if they outright make it so that Scout transitioned SPECIFICALLY to hook up with Pauling. You realise that you're enforcing TERF "all transfems are predatory and transition just to get chicks/transfem lesbians are just straight men" rhetoric right? Please tell me you're aware. People who make Scout transfem for reasons beside this (ie you just like transfem Scout) and still hook her up with Pauling for fun, I love you and this post is not about you. <3

People who ignore Medic's likely bisexuality in favour of writing him as a strictly gay male. Bi erasure is fucking real lads. If you have the view that Demo was talking out his arse and didn't actually shag Medic's wife cuz he's not even married, cool ok. I'm talking about the people who insist Medic's wife was his beard.

People who act like the ship police with Pauling's sexuality when her being a lesbian was something mentioned in one tweet on Twitter by Jay, not approved by Valve, and never referenced in the source material (outside of MAYBE how she stared at Zhanna while she was fighting robots, but that facial expression could also be interpreted as impressed or "so horrified she can't look away". Especially when she outright agreed to go on a second date with Scout in Expiration Date. If you headcanon her as a lesbian, cool! Just don't enforce it on other people and give them flak for shipping her with non-women characters. This applies to people aggressively enforcing Medic's sexuality as well. What are you a cop?

How the character people trans the most is the white skinny twink, white skinny otter, or white wolf. Why not Demo? Trans people of colour exist too. I can count the trans Demo headcanons I've seen on one hand. Why not Heavy? Why not Heavy? You know fat trans people exist too right?

My family is southern and half the time people don't know what the fuck goes on down south. Tell me you've never been to a cookout without telling me you've never been to a cookout. They either write him as too northern/coasty and only enforce the "stereotype" southern aspects of him, or they write him as racist/homophobic/transphobic/etc because he's southern. Luckily the latter gets a LOT of pushback on Tumblr so I haven't seen it much, but it's more prevalent on Twitter and fanfic sites.

People conveniently ignoring how Heavy's father was killed and his family was imprisoned by the USSR so they can call him a communist. Lol what. I get that you hate capitalism but you realise there's more options than just capitalism vs communism vs socialism right? That you can hate/dislike communism without also being a capitalist? Heavy would not support communism after what the USSR did to his family in the name of communism because his father was a counter-revolutionary. Also people ignoring WHY Heavy's father was killed, and how his father having different politics got his whole family, including innocent children chucked to a GULAG IN SIBERIA where they were starved and constantly abused by the guards, and how even after their escape the government continued to hunt them with the intent of killing them. He would not be a communist. He probably sees a hammer and sickle in his fucken nightmares.

Spy being evil and an arsehole. You know his schtick is the suave gentleman right? He's cool but he also has to be cringefail. And arsehole is a far cry from a gentleman.

People making Soldier a bigot. Har har I know it's funny to joke about the bloke obsessed with America being a bigot, but do you honestly think he cares enough? He's xenophobic at worst. Everyone is assumed to be American and his best mate is a black Scottish cyclops. Half the time I'm convinced you people want Soldier to be a bigot so you can write bigoted shit and not cop shit cuz it's coming out of his mouth.

Carrying on from prev, the amount of people I've seen use the time setting as an excuse to be bigoted towards the characters. This is ESPECIALLY prevalent where it seems like every story-focussed fic of Demo has a scene where someone is being racist to him and he Heroically Sticks Up For Himself or someone else sticks up for him to show How Much They Don't Care About Being Seen With A Black Man (usually it's Soldier, sometimes it's Sniper). You realise everyone knows racism is bad, right? That that's really not necessary? It wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't in EVERY FIC but it's like the author always needs to proudly claim themselves Not Racist while writing REALLY RACIST SHIT directed at the ONE CONFIRMABLE MAN OF COLOUR on the team just so they can yell "RACISM BAD but here's me jumping at the opportunity to call a man of colour a racial slur".

Well, reckon that about covers her...

[variousqueerthings]

aphobia in fandom can look like (all of the below are things ive seen):

villainising characters who reject romantic advances

reading aro characters as "psychopaths/evil" because of their aroness

reading ace characters as "childlike/immature" because of their aceness

generally the pathologisation of characters because of their aspec-ness, as well as demonisation of certain mental illnesses and nd-ness, which tbh could be a whole other post on its own

statements like "it would be sad if x character wasn't in a romantic relationship though" as a way of shutting down reading a character as aro (also seen said about canon aro rep)

aroness and aceness -- especially repulsed aroness and aceness -- is more "boring" than alloness

generally romance and sex (most often read together) as a way of "humanising" a character

generally seeing romantic relationships as the main happy ending for character dynamics, and any individual characters who aren't in a romantic relationship are worse off (pair the spares, but this time let's make it progressive)

(Only Monogamy freespace/overlap with bi/pan-erasure and polyamory erasure)

ignoring opposite gender dynamics that are well-fleshed-out in favour of same-gender dynamics that aren't, because that's "more queer" (read: hotter, but only for guys) (overlapping heavily with erasing women in narratives in favour of two guys that exchange 3 words with one another, and also bi/pan-erasure)

going real hard on "aromantic people can still date"/"asexual people can still have sex" especially around characters who have not been shown to do one or the other or either

in addition to previous point, these statements coupled with a clear lack of research in aspec terminology/theory/politics -- bonus points for using these talking points at irl aspec people who do know what they're talking about

getting angry at aspec people for "ruining the fun" when they point out that it's hard to be aspec in fandom/engage with aspec character reads in fandom/feeling alienated by fandom

good old classic regurgitated "this aspec person said it was okay for me to do this, so..."

good old classic regurgitated "these aspec people are normal, and these ones aren't, im only going to respect the opinions of the aspec people who "let" me do exactly what ive been doing the whole time, and im going to discount/mock/bully out of fandom the ones who don't"

convenient "it's not that deep" arguments only counting when it's aspec rep, ignoring many years of "representation matters" for other marginalised identities

comparing aspec identities to straightness, often in the framework of "headcanoning straight (aspec) characters as queer (not aspec -- and usually not bi or pan either)"

pushing smut at irl asexual repulsed people as "revenge" for them expressing discomfort (especially about characters who are popularly seen as asexual or are even canonically asexual) + "joking" about shipping even harder and creating more hardcore smut specifically in reaction to aspec people who don't want to see it

accusations of queerbaiting when characters are written to be aspec and/or ambiguously aspec

conflating bullshit "anti" purity culture with all of the above, either co-opting aspec people into wank (similarly to ace people being co-opted to "argue" for no kink at pride), or accusing irl aspec people who feel alienated of being prudes/antis/sex-shaming <- this also conveniently trotted out right after a "it's not that deep" argument. it's only not-that-deep when it's about getting to have fun without thinking about others, and it gets deep when that fun cannot be enjoyed thoughtlessly

[munsonsmixtapes]

Teach Me

Part One Part Three

Part Two: Lesson One

Steve x bi!fem!reader

word count: 6,091

CW: mention of reader and Steve’s rough home lives

summary: you and Steve go on your “first date” and you both definitely don’t want it to be real

You stood in your closet, looking for something to wear on your date with Steve. Eddie had insisted on helping you which actually meant lying on your bed, reading one of your fashion magazines. He occasionally gave his input, barely even giving you a second glance, favoring the magazine over your outfit crisis.

You were nervous even though you didn’t want to admit it. Thinking about going on a date with Steve made you feel ill. Even though he had told you that it was low stakes, you still felt like there was a lot of riding on it. It was your first date and it had to be perfect.

“Do you think I’m a summer or an autumn?” Eddie asked as he flipped through the pages of the magazine. You turned around to face him, still in your underwear, putting your hands on your hips.

“Neither, you’re a winter,” you replied. “Now either you help me or go home.”

“Jesus, l/n, it’s just Harrington.” Eddie rose from the bed, throwing the magazine to the side. He went to stand in front of you, resting his hands on your shoulders. “You really need to relax.”

“We both know that I’m unable to do that.”

“Let’s take some deep breaths, alright?” He took a deep breath in and you mimicked him.

“Now let it out.” You breathed out slowly and Eddie smiled, satisfied with the results. You did feel a bit better, but not much.

“Okay,” he clapped his hands together then turned to your closet. “Let me see what we’ve got going on.” He went through the rack that your clothes were on, shaking his head at each item. He got close to the end and pulled out a dark blue dress that you had completely forgotten that you had. Leave it to Eddie to find the exact right outfit for you. He always seemed to have the magic touch.

“Where the fuck did that come from?” You gasped, taking the thing from him.

“I think Robin got it for you for your birthday or something.”

“That’s right,” you nodded at the memory, suddenly remembering pulling it out of the pink gift bag it had been in only to throw it in your closet, deciding that you had nowhere to wear it.

You threw the dress on and stepped back so Eddie could see you. He gave a nod of approval as you pulled the bottom down so it would cover more of your legs.

You had never done this before. You hadn’t hung out with anyone outside of a sexual encounter. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to, but more like no one had invited you to do so when you were a child. So when people actually expressed interest in you emotionally, you didn’t think it was genuine.

You weren’t popular as a kid. An outcast because your parents didn’t have much money. So while the other girls in your grade were over at Cindy Gardener’s house, you were home by yourself while your parents were at work. You had seen the invitations go out and were excited to actually go somewhere besides your home, only to find that you were the only girl in the class who hadn’t received an envelope.

They all thought you were too poor because you lived in the trailer park. They all laughed at you for bringing your lunch in a paper bag as opposed to the metal lunch boxes that displayed the cartoon characters of the shows you all watched.

They laughed at your cheap clothes and how unbrushed your hair was. Your parents were never around so you were forced to do your own hair and get yourself dressed in the only clothes they could afford.

Perhaps that was why you were so afraid to get close to people. Because you were always the butt of everyone’s joke so you thought that anyone trying to get close to you was just their way of making fun of you. Eddie was the only one you could trust since he had actually shown you how much he had cared for you.

“Damn,” Eddie let out a whistle as his eyes trailed down your body. “I hope Harrington knows how to fight.” You let out a laugh at that.

“Oh, shut up.” You smacked him on the shoulder and he just laughed.

“Seriously, sweetheart. You look fucking amazing.” It wasn’t unusual for Eddie to compliment you, but the way he was looking at you made you think that he wanted to take the dress off and have his way with you.

“Stop,” you whined and he just smiled. Even after all these years, you were still unsure of how to take a compliment.

“Don’t believe me? See for yourself, babe,” he rested his hands on your shoulders and pushed you over to your full length mirror. You looked at your reflection and had to admit that you did look hot. The dress clung to your body in all the right places and it showed just the right amount of cleavage. You were going to have to thank Robin the next time you saw her.

“I look-“ you cut yourself off, trying to find the right words.

“Hot,” Eddie finished. “Fucking hot.”

“Thanks, Eds.”

“You deserve this, y/n.” His hands moved down to your forearms, giving them a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

“I know,” you nodded.

“You deserve someone who’s nice to you,” he gave your shoulders a shake so the words would actually sink in this time.

“I know, Eddie.” He had said those exact words to you so many times but you somehow believed it that time.

“Good,” he nodded. “And if he hurts you, you just let me know and I’ll kick his ass.” You laughed again, imagining Eddie kicking anyone’s ass.

“Noted.”

“Alright, now get out of here. I’ve got Callie, okay? Let me know if I need to stay the night,” he winked and you pretended to throw up.

He had insisted on watching her for the night, assuring you that she would get fed dinner and go to bed a decent hour. You both knew that the promise of a normal bedtime was a load of shit. Callie had Eddie wrapped around her little finger and he would have let her stay up all night if she had asked.

“This isn’t a real date.”

“But it could be.”

“Thanks, Eddie,” you pulled him into a hug before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Of course. Now go get him,” he handed you your purse then gave your ass a light tap. You threw on your shoes and headed out the door to your car.

You pulled up to the address that Steve had given to you over the phone and could see why he had suggested that you have your date there. It was one of the nicest houses you had ever seen and you wondered what Steve’s parents had done for a living.

You reluctantly got out of the car and headed to the door. You knocked a few times and it took no time for it to swing open, Steve on the other side. His mouth dropped open, but his lips quickly turned up into a wide smile.

“Wow, you-“ he cut himself off, clearing his throat. “You look amazing.” You eyed his outfit which consisted of a red button up shirt that was tucked into a pair of black slacks.

“Thanks,” you smiled. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Harrington.”

He let you inside and you looked around and wondered what it would have been like to live in a place that big. You could have fit your entire trailer inside it.

The house was quiet as opposed to yours. It was nice to be somewhere you could actually think. Somewhere you didn’t have to tiptoe around just to get from place to place because you were afraid of being pulled into an argument to take sides.

Steve couldn’t believe it. The hottest girl in Hawkins was going to spend her Saturday night with him when she could have been doing literally anything else. He was going to take that as a compliment, the whole thing giving his ego a much needed boost.

You had wanted to leave as soon as Steve let you in, but you felt bad thinking about disappointing him. He had spent so much time making you dinner so you weren’t going to ruin his night by going home. Besides, Eddie was your babysitter for the night and who were you to not take advantage of that?

“Can I get you a drink? I’ve got soda and some beer in the fridge.” You almost asked for a beer so help settle your nerves but decided against it. You don’t know Steve well enough to drink around him, afraid that you’d reveal your secrets after too many drinks. You didn’t need to embarrass yourself around him.

“Sure, I’ll take a soda.” Steve led you into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator that didn’t seem to be as stocked as you thought it would have been. All that had been in there was a pizza, some vegetables in the crisper, a six pack of beer and two six packs of grape and orange sodas.

“Orange or grape?” Neither flavor sounded appealing to you but you felt rude for suddenly deciding you didn’t want a drink.

“Grape.” He pulled one of the sodas from the plastic holding them together and held it out to you. You took it, your fingers brushing as you did so. Just from the short touch, you could tell that his hands were soft and warm.

You opened the can and took a sip while Steve led you to the kitchen table. It was set with two glass plates with a cloth napkin aside each one with the silverware on each side of the plate.

There was also a candle in the middle of the table that was lit. It was a simple setup, but you liked that Steve had done it all for you. Even though everything was fake, you still appreciated the effort he had put in for you.

“So, I’ve split the whole thing up into multiple parts and tonight, we’re focusing on conversation.”

He held out your chair for you and took a seat while he moved to the counter to grab two bowls. One was filled with spaghetti and the other was filled with a salad. He set them on the table then sat down across from you.

“Conversation?” You tilted your head to the side and Steve thought it was adorable.

He handed over a pair of tongs and you served yourself. You hadn’t had a home cooked meal ever. All of your meals consisted of either toast or tv dinners since you didn’t really have the extra money or time to make them from scratch.

“Yep,” he nodded. “Just talking. That’s arguably the most important part.”

“Right,” you nodded. You supposed he was right. The conversation did seem to be a big part of every date you’d seen at the diner or on TV. But you sucked a small talk. Hated it, even. Most of it just ended up being people having a conversation that seemed forced that nobody participating actually gave a fuck about what was being said.

You took a bite of the spaghetti and couldn’t help but think that it was the best thing you had ever eaten. Not that you had much to compare it to. You held back a moan how good it was, trying your best to eat in silence.

You could see that Steve was looking at you and you turned to him, giving him a smile which he returned. You liked that someone was being nice to you just because they wanted to and not for anything in return.

You turned away, not wanting him to see the pink tint on your cheeks. You couldn’t let him know what you were thinking about. You had to keep your cool and seem nonchalant.

“This is really good.”

“Thank you. It’s uh, it’s my mom’s recipe.” Steve couldn’t remember the last time he had spaghetti since his mother didn’t seem to want to cook for him anymore. Now his meals consisted of pizza or food from the diner.

“That’s nice. You’ll have to thank her for me.” He’d thank her…if she was ever around. She was usually out doing god knows what. It wasn’t like Steve cared anyway. As long as she wasn’t home, he was happy. That way he wouldn’t have to listen to her or his father tell him that he was wasting his life away working at Family Video when he could be working with them. That was the thing. Steve didn’t want to work with them. He was perfectly fine where he was in his life and he wasn’t going to let anyone, not even his parents, take that away from him.

“Thanks,” you nodded. “So, uh, how do we do this?” What-oh right, this wasn’t a real date. He was just helping you and had completely forgotten until you had brought it up.

“Well,” he cleared his throat, shuffling in his seat. “I know it sounds like common sense, but just be yourself. Don’t overcomplicate it.”

“Right,” you nodded, taking a sip from your soda. “What do I do if it sucks?” That was the main question that had been on your mind the entire night.

“Well, first of all, I should let you know that most of them are going to suck.” That was not what you had wanted to hear. That was actually a deterrent to wanting to date anyone. “But you just roll with it,” he shrugged. “It’s just one night and you’ll get through it.”

“Most of them are going to suck?” Your eyebrows furrowed and Steve could see the gears turning in your head. This was the one night where he didn’t want you to worry.

“Yep,” he took a sip from his can. “But only like half of the time.”

“Oh,” you nodded, becoming even more confused as to why Steve had gone on so many dates if they were as bad as he was letting on.

“And now you’re scared, aren’t you?” He let out a chuckle and went to reach for your hand, but pulled it away once he realized what he was doing. Little did he know that you had actually wanted him to touch you. You were itching to hold his hand seeing it resting on the table.

“What?” You scoffed. “No.” Yes, yes you were. Terrified, actually.

“You don’t have to be. Sometimes dates are just bad. It’s how it is.”

“But you’ve been on what, a thousand dates? It always seems so easy for you, bad or not.” It wasn’t easy now. He was sweating bullets because he was so nervous. He decided that if you asked, he would lie and say he was just warm. He’d have been so embarrassed if you found out that you were making him nervous.

“Not always,” he leaned closer to you, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure.”

“I’m always nervous.” You didn’t think that “Steve” and “nervous” belonged in the same sentence. He was always so cool and confident. Except when he was around you, of course.

“You’re just trying to make me feel better.” You pushed your food around your plate before taking another bite.

“I’m being honest, I swear,” he put his hands up in defense.

“Fine,” you grumbled. “I guess I believe you.”

He chuckled at that and the both of you went back to eating in silence, the only thing that could be heard was the sound of your forks clinking against your plates.

You looked up at him as you ate and gave him a warm smile when his eyes locked on yours. He smiled back, the light from the kitchen making his eyes look like honey. You had always thought they were pretty, but seeing them in the light really solidified it for you. They were even prettier than Eddie’s, which you didn’t think was possible.

Your eyes roamed over his features and stopped once they got to his moles. Those were probably your favorite features of his. You always liked those kinds of things on people, liking that it made them unique. Your cheeks got hot as you found yourself wanting to press a kiss to each one, telling him how pretty you thought they were.

You had never thought about Steve in that manner. He had been deemed off limits, but seeing him sitting there, looking so fucking pretty, your mind was wondering what exactly it would have been like to sleep with him. If he would’ve been gentle or if he would have fucked you so roughly that you wouldn’t have been able to walk afterwards.

“Do you want to do a practice run?” He asked, wiping his face with his napkin. You desperately needed a distraction from your thoughts.

“Uh, sure,” you nodded, unsure of what he could have possibly wanted to know about you. You thought you were pretty boring in comparison to his other dates.

“I’m just gonna ask you some basic questions. Pretend like I know nothing about you, alright?”

“So, do you have any siblings?” That question seemed easy enough. Maybe it wouldn’t have been as difficult as you thought.

“I have a little sister named Callie.”

“That’s cool,” he nodded “How old is she?”

“Seven. What about you? Any siblings.” You already knew that Steve didn’t have any, but you just wanted to commit to your role.

“Nope,” he shook his head. “Only child, unfortunately.”

“Do you ever get lonely?” You knew the question seemed invasive, but it was falling from your lips before you could stop it.

“Sometimes, yeah,” he admitted. “But I have friends to help with that.” You knew he mostly meant Robin. The two of them seemed to be very close. Like platonic soulmates.

“Right,” you nodded. “What are your parents like?”

“Oh, um.” Well, that wasn’t the right question. You had barely even had a conversation and you had already fucked it up.

“Sorry,” you winced. “Was that too personal?”

“No, no,” he assured you. “I just-they’re never around.”

“Well, that’s something we have in common. Mine are never around either.”

You and Steve seemed to have more in common than you had originally thought. Being from opposite sides of town and his family having more money than you’d ever see in your life, you didn’t think that you’d have anything to bond over. His family always seemed so perfect when you had heard people talk about them, but clearly that had all been an act.

Steve appreciated that you felt like you could be honest with him, especially about something so personal. He didn’t think he’d ever find out anything about you since you seemed to be so private. Clearly you had a lot of trauma so he didn’t blame you at all for keeping your life a secret.

Steve however, had been an open book. You could have asked him anything and he would have told you. That is, except his crush on you. That he kept a secret to prevent himself from being humiliated. As far as he was concerned, he would take that shit to the grave.

“Are you and Callie close?” He wanted to avoid talking any more about your parents and settled for a safe topic.

“Very,” you nodded and Steve just smiled. He liked seeing your face light up when you talked about your sister.

“I can tell you really love her.” You loved Callie more than anyone in the world and you didn’t think that would ever change.

“I really do. She’s my best friend.” And you were hers. She has told you so every night in a sleepy whisper. It warmed your heart every time to hear the words coming from her little voice.

“Is she anything like you?” Callie was just like you as far as personality went. You had raised her to take no shit from anyone and that the only opinion about her that mattered was her own.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Harrington?” You quirked an eyebrow.

“I mean, is she as feisty as you?” She definitely was. Maybe even more so.

“Once you get to know her, but at first, she’s usually super shy.” Her shyness typically seemed like a test to see if she could trust people and then when she decided that they were good enough, she’d show her true self.

“Well, I’d love to meet her.” You knew that the two of them would get along very well.

“And she’d love to meet you.” Steve would have probably ended up more wrapped around her finger than Eddie was. You could see him coloring with her on the floor of the trailer, showing him her different techniques. You could see them watching her favorite movie together on the couch, him laughing when she would quote the lines word for word. You could even see getting close to him effortlessly, whispering stuff into his ear that would be their little secret.

Steve liked hearing those words. That your sister would have liked him. He liked kids, loved them even. Especially since most of the people he usually hung out with had once been kids that he was just trying to take care of. To protect.

“So you’re saying I’m worthy of meeting your family?” He winked and you let out a nervous laugh. As long as you had anything to say about it, Steve would have never met your parents. They were just two fucked up people who refused to make any changes in their life just because they had cost a little more than they were willing to spend. You knew that they had some money hiding somewhere. Money that they had claimed had been for your college tuition that you had seen a single dime of. Money you had tried to claim to actually use for college but they suddenly acted like they had no idea what you were talking about.

“Just my sister,” you responded. “My parents don’t exactly make a good impression.” You could still remember when they met Eddie. How judgemental they had been. How they claimed that he wasn’t good enough to hang out with you. What did they know? It wasn’t like they actually knew you well enough to make that decision.

“Mine don’t either,” he shook his head. “For once, my parents came home while I had a date over and my mother was recommending places where she could get the gap in her front teeth fixed.”

“No,” you gasped.

“Yes,” Steve nodded vigorously. “I thought it was really cute and had even told her as much but she left before I could reassure her.”

“Steve, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright. So sometimes, it might not even be your fault if the date is bad,” he let out a chuckle, but you could see in his face that he didn’t actually think it was funny.

You felt bad for the guy. You knew he was just looking for “the one” but it never seemed to work out. You wondered if he thought he was destined to be lonely just like you were. If he ever blamed himself for things when they went wrong even when they weren’t his fault.

You wondered how he was still able to put himself out there despite all of his failed dates. Where he got his confidence from and how he didn’t just cancel all the time because he was afraid of things going south. That was what you would have done. And maybe that was the real difference between you and Steve. He did things despite being afraid while you stood by and watched because you’d rather keep your dignity intact than ever risk embarrassing yourself.

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Hey, relax. You’re doing really well,” he assured you and you hoped that he was telling the truth and not just trying to spare your feelings.

“I am?” Steve had never seen you so unsure before. You usually took things for what they were, not even sparing a second to ask questions. He was beginning to think that maybe that was all just an act and that the woman sitting in front of him was the “real” you. Not the version of yourself you had to put on everyday just to seem normal.

“Yeah,” he replied, taking another bite of his spaghetti. “You’re a natural.”

“So are you.”

“Well I should be with how much practice I’ve had.” You both laughed at that and continued to eat and make small talk until your plates were empty. You knew the night was drawing to a close and you didn’t want it to end. It was as if you were Cinderella and as soon as the clock struck twelve, you’d no longer be in the little fantasy Steve had made up for you. You’d have to remove your dress and go back to your real life where there seemed to be no happily afters.

The night hadn’t even been over yet and Steve was already looking forward to the next lesson. He wanted to see more of you like this, you’re true self. He liked that you didn’t seem to have your guard up. You seemed less tense and the tension between your eyebrows seemed to disappear. Your shoulders hadn’t been up to your ears, in fact, they had been pushed back as you sat across from him.

You were so fucking beautiful and seeing you sitting there in your gorgeous dress was damn near torture. The blue looked so nice against your skin and it was killing him that he couldn’t see how you felt against his hands. That he couldn’t press his lips to yours, the pretty red color smearing against his own and across his cheeks in how messy the kiss got. He wanted to see lipstick stains all along his body, but he couldn’t get himself to make a move. This was all fake, after all. As if you’d actually go on a real date with Steve Harrington.

Steve led you to the front door and it felt disorienting for him to not take you up to his room. You knew that his other dates ended that way, but this was different. He was just helping you out. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything.

So why did you want him to take you by the hand and lead you to his bedroom? Why did you want to feel his soft hands against your thighs, sliding up your dress? Why did you want to know exactly what his lips felt like? If they were as soft as they looked. If he was as good of a kisser the girls in town said he was.

You felt yourself getting wet just thinking about it and for once, you weren’t going to do anything about it. At least not with Steve. You couldn’t risk ruining your friendship because you couldn’t keep your hormones in check. You’d never forgive yourself if you pushed him away because you couldn’t control yourself.

“This was really nice,” you told him as you both stood at the door, neither of you making a move to open it.

“See, I told you there was nothing to worry about,” he nudged your shoulder.

“I know. I was just worrying for nothing.” Steve watched you rifle through your purse, clearly looking for something.

You pulled out a small black tube and moved over to the mirror that was by the door. You opened the thing and Steve could see a little bit of red peeking out from the top, realizing that it was lipstick. He stood behind you, watching you twist it up so you had more access to the product. You opened your mouth slightly and applied the color to your lips slowly. Steve watched you in amazement. It was as if you had hypnotized the man. He was standing there, unmoving, his mouth slightly agape.

You weren’t even doing it on purpose. This was a move you had perfected to get people into bed and it had a hundred percent success rate. This time, you just wanted to touch up the color since most of it had rubbed off while you were eating. Why you were doing it when you were about to leave, you didn’t know. Maybe you were trying to give Steve one last chance to make a move.

His hand rested on your shoulder and you had to look down so he couldn’t see your triumphant smile in the reflection. You guessed Steve wasn’t as strong as he looked. You looked at him as his other hand moved to your face. His thumb rubbed at the corner of your bottom lip where the color had bled onto your skin only for it to smudge.

“Whoops,” he chuckled, looking down at his now stained thumb. “I didn’t mean to smudge it.”

“It’s okay.” I wanted you to smudge it, was what you wanted to say. But you didn’t. “It doesn’t take much to do that.”

“Right,” he chuckled again. You didn’t miss how his gaze hadn’t left your lips. He had wanted it as much as you did. So the trick worked. Steve wasn’t immune like you thought he had been.

And just when you had him right where you wanted him, he opened the door for you. Despite your confusion, you stepped through it, Steve closing it behind him so the two of you were standing on the front step. There was so little space that you were practically chest to chest.

He slowly leaned towards you, trying to gauge your reaction for any signs that you didn’t want him to continue. You wanted it. You wanted it so bad, but you couldn’t let him do it. You just knew that if you kissed him, you wouldn’t want to stop. And you couldn’t have that. You were in control. You called the shots. And you weren’t going to get Steve fucking Harrington have that effect on you.

Just as his lips were about to meet yours, you turned your face so they landed on your cheek instead. He quickly pulled away and you slowly turned your head to look at him. His eyes widened and his lips parted, like he couldn’t believe what he had done. He looked like he was about to speak and you just couldn’t listen to what he had to say.

“Goodnight, Steve. Thanks again for tonight.”

You rushed down the steps as he called your name and almost tripped on the concrete of his driveway because of how fast your were moving. You pulled your keys out of your purse and couldn’t seem to unlock your car quick enough. You opened the door and made the mistake of looking at Steve one last time. He was still standing there, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he watched you get into the car.

You slammed the door shut and practically floored it all the back to your trailer. You were never going to be able to look Steve in the eye again. You were going to have to quit Family Video. You were going to have to stop hanging out with Robin.

You had wanted to kiss Steve so you had no idea why you had turned your head at the last second. And now you had hurt him just because you had been afraid of what it could have led to if you had given in. You had gotten scared because you hadn’t been in control of your feelings for once.

You pulled up to your trailer and raced inside, closing the door, leaning against it. Eddie was on the couch alone which led you to believe that he had actually made her go to bed at a decent time, which was rare. He turned to you and his eyebrows furrowed at your distressed state.

“What happened?” He clicked off the TV and gave you his full attention, hoping that he wasn’t actually going to have to kick Steve’s ass. If that man has laid a non-consensual finger on you, he’d be fucking dead.

“He tried to kiss me, Eddie.”

“I’ll kill him,” he stood up from the couch, cracking his knuckles.

“No,” you moved towards him. “I wanted him too.”

“Oh,” he scoffed, sitting back down on the couch. “Then what’s the big deal?”

“This big deal is that he tried to kiss me, Eddie.” You sat down next to him, burying your face into your hands.

“Damn, one date and you’re already falling for him?” He laughed. “He’s good.”

“This is serious.”

“Is it, though?” He stood up from the couch and headed over to the fridge and pulled out the box of wine. He figured you were going to need some.

“Yes.” You turned to look at him as he rifled through the cabinets for two wine glasses.

“Because it kind of seems like you just don’t want to fall for him.” You hated that he was always able to read you like a book. He was the one person who could see right through you.

“I don’t,” you crossed your arms over your chest and he whipped around to look at you. You had finally admitted it after months of denying feelings for Steve.

“Ah-ha!” He pointed at you. “So you admit it.”

“I admit nothing.” You wouldn’t have been caught dead admitting that you liked anyone in a romantic sense. That was for losers and you were most definitely not a loser.

“That’s because you’re a coward.” He handed you a glass of wine and you took a few sips before setting it down on the coffee table.

Maybe you were a coward, but you were going to wear that label proudly if it meant you didn’t have to admit that you were crushing on Steve. There was no way you’d ever tell anyone that. Not even yourself. To you, love was still bullshit. You’d seen your parents, you’d seen your grandparents. Apparently happily ever after just didn’t exist in your family and that was just how it was.

Eddie had seen every single one of your hookups fail except for him. He wondered what would have happened if he had feelings for you. If you would have kicked him to the curb if he had told how he felt. If that was the only reason you kept him around.

“Well, if the shoe fits,” you leaned back against the couch, propping your feet up onto the coffee table.

“You made a deal with him, y/n. You can’t just avoid him because you’re afraid.”

“Of course I can.” You took another sip of your wine, not liking how little effect it was having on you. You were usually buzzed by that point.

“Then that means you’re no better than me,” he tsked, shaking his head.

“Yeah, right,” you scoffed. “You’re the biggest coward of them all, Eddie.” If you looked up the definition in the dictionary, his name would be right there.

“Sure, but I’d never deny my feelings because I was afraid of being vulnerable. Oh, that’s right, you don’t have feelings.”

“Damn straight.”

“That’s not something to be proud of, babe,” he gave your knee a pat. “Well, you have fun being in denial, I’m gonna go to bed.”

“So we’re not hooking up tonight?” You asked as you watched him stand from the couch and made his way over to the door.

“As if I’d fuck a taken woman,” he gasped, putting his hand up to his chest. “Even I’m better than that, y/n.”

“Eddie,” you groaned, trying to get to him but he closed the door before you could catch him.

You leaned against it, running your hands through your hair. Your life had somehow gotten worse after letting Steve in. You went on a really nice date with him and ended up hurting his feelings because you wouldn’t kiss him. Now you couldn’t stand to look at him again and your best friend was laughing at you while you were in pain. There was no way it could have possibly have gotten any fucking worse.

[levshany]

What's your favorite thing about Belos? Do you have any headcanons about him? Also, I love your art and how you draw him!

My favorite thing... Should I pick just one? Well, if we're talking about the look, it's his hair. If we're talking about the temper, it's his hardworking

And here are my headings about him. I'll start with the most common ones, and end with personal ones that I haven't seen from anyone yet:

1. Belos is a retrained left-hander. He holds all the instruments with his left hand, but writes with his right, since it was previously believed that left-handers subject to devilish influence.

2. Phillip's mother was burned on charges of witchcraft. Perhaps little Philip even had to witness this terrible scene.

3. Belos was often ill at the beginning of his journey through BI. And I'm not talking about a curse, but about local infections, to which he had no immunity. Over time, his body adapted, and later the curse itself began to neutralize all poisons and infections.

4. Belos really had fun while communicating with the Collector. These two have the dynamics of a king and a jester, and the jester is allowed to interact with the king as equals, making fun of him, giving advices, and generally talking to him as a friend. Thanks to this feature, a trusting relationship was often built between the king and the jester. With Collector Belos could afford himself to forget he was an emperor and just chat about whatever came to mind.

Perhaps Belos could even tell Collie details of his life that he could not discuss with anyone else. He was going to get rid of the kid anyway and didn't allow them to have contact with the outside world, so there was no need to worry about spilling something to anyone.

5. It was Belos who built the portal door. This headcanon even has confirmation in Philip's diary, where one of the pages depicted scheme of this very door

6. The picture of the witches dancing around the campfire is based on one of Belos' real memories. I'm sure witches have such parties/rituals, and Belos was a witness to them. I like this massive wall of fire and it seems to me that it is somehow connected with the fire that occurred during the battle of the brothers

7. Some people think that Belos doesn't eat anything other than palismen, but I headcanon that he still eats normal food, it's just that his diet is severely limited due to his inability to digest most of the foods of the demon realm

8. Little Philip didn't allow anyone except his brother to touch his head and hair. This is the intimate area

9. Belos wrote a huge number of magic books. It is unlikely that this person was limited to only one diary. To keep order in the covens and teach witches the "correct" use of magic, books and guides were needed. So Belos wrote at least a book for each coven, but I'm sure there are many more. Maybe even Belos signed some of them with pseudonyms.

It is possible that some of his works have survived and are still used to this days for an in-depth study of a certain type of magic.

Wooooo, so far these are all the heads that I remembered for now! I hope you enjoy it :3

[rowrowknowa]

guidelines

---General Rules

✮ this blog contains some NSFW content; i'll always try my best to tag all warnings appropriately

✮ MDNI, non-negotiable. i won't interact with ageless or take requests from ageless blogs. don't follow me, don't send asks, stay outta grown folks business!! ✮ i don't take requests for minors (obviously), even SFW asks if they're romantic in nature

✮ black bi, i dont tolerate any type of racism, colorism, ableism, fatphobia, zionism, homo/queer/transphobia -- i want a space of inclusiveness and i will check you

✮ i currently am taking requests! but to keep it real theres no guarantees so dont be offended if i dont do yours

✮ i take spoilers VERY seriously and VERY personally for myself and others im so serious so please pay attention to where i am in a given work (anime only) and try not to give anything away pls (if ur not sure ask)

---General Writing

✮ what i write for at any given moment will depend on what my current fixation is

✮ ill always write for one piece (anime and live action). currently taking requests for FE3H and JJK as well - if you have a request for me to write for something outside of these feel free to suggest

✮ im a reader insert lover im so sorry so majority of my works will be in the second person. only rarely will i have an OC and thats likely for longer works

✮ all works will likely default to member x cis f!reader because thats the POV im most familiar with (i.e. i tend to write myself as a placeholder), but don't take that to mean i won't write any other reader inserts. i'm open to writing with a reader insert of any gender / any genitalia so please request it! and leave feedback and critique so i can improve on writing in those POV

---NSFW writing

✮ i dont do scat, (watersports is a maybe...if you're convincing enough), dont do abo, dont do raceplay, dont do ageplay, no extremely dark content/kinks/themes, dont do gore, not a fan of "daddy"

✮ a separate bullet because this one is important bc its popular: i won't do size kinks that center/elevate petite/skinny frames. ive seen so many works that write them in a way thats bigger/taller/larger body exclusive and bordering fatphobic/heightist.. i dont want people who are already marginalized to feel even further marginalized. if you wanna read that go find another work.

✮ i do write for a variety of kinks. the inclusion/exclusion criteria here isnt exhaustive if you're not sure, ask.

✮ i don't write characterxcharacter usually but im a slut for a good threesome with it peppered in. i won't write a poly relationship mostly because i know my strengths and weaknesses and i promise you wont want to read my attempt at that

---Requests!

✮ requests are welcome!

✮ headcanons, A-Z, MTLs, reactions, and scenarios are more likely to be fulfilled because they're less intensive to me, fun and quick!

✮ when sending an ask, please be specific! give mama (me) something to work with. feel free to try and make it interesting, give me ideas to bounce off of, send your thoughts/fantasies/etc

✮ i will take one shot requests but the longer, more complex it is the longer it'll take/lower chance it is i'll do it if it's not speaking to me

✮ i'm my own biggest critic so if i feel like i don't like what i write i won't post it

✮ i do work a full time big girl job so be patient and don't be offended if i don't get to your ask

[nerdygaymormon]

Queer Religious Songs

I was interested to see the news that a song by the drag queen Flamy Grant was top of the iTunes Christian chart. I listened to the song and really like it. 

There are many religious songs I like, but these queer ones speak to a part of me that the others don’t, they ask questions that are important. 

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A religious gay man has found love, but because of what he was taught at church, can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. The message is if you’re living in a culture distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy–embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong feelings of shame and guilt, presumably for being taught that being gay is a sin. For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - In this song the gay singer is calling to a lover not to leave and asks the question, what religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover? So often the religions we’re raised in are anti-queer and people have a tough time breaking from the prejudice when they have their first romantic relationship

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was coming out as gay. Consider this the hint of the century. Consider this the slip. It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell.” The song was interpreted as the struggle of a closeted gay man coming to terms with what his religion taught about gay people.

1992 - One : U2 - Bono explained that “It’s a father-and-son story. I tried to write about someone I knew who was coming out and was afraid to tell his father. It’s a religious father and son… I have a lot of gay friends, and I’ve seen them screwed up from unloving family situations, which just are completely anti-Christian. If we know anything about God, it’s that God is love.” Knowing it’s a gay son who is talking to his unaccepting dad, the lyrics really hit hard. Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth? And also these words from the chorus, We’re one but we’re not the same. Well we hurt each other then we do it again. It seems eventually the son decides to draw a boundary and remove his father from his life - I can’t keep holding on to what you got, 'cause all you got is hurt. I like that the lyrics say We get to carry each other, carry each other, we are different and may not agree on everything, but we choose to help each other, like it’s asking us to find ways to have our relationship work even though we’re different

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes include “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive. The song is a real celebration of who we each are made to be. God makes no mistakes

2011 - We All Try : Frank Ocean - Frank Ocean sings of losing faith in mankind as the LGBTQIA+ community struggles to find acceptance. I believe that marriage isn’t between a man and woman, but between love and love, and I believe you when you say you’ve lost all faith, but you must believe in something. He reassures and offers hope to listeners and the LGBTQIA+ community that I just don’t believe we’re wicked, I know that we sin but I do believe we try.

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert - Macklemore sings against the homophobia taught at church. When I was in church, they taught me something else. If you preach hate at the service, those words aren't anointed and that Holy Water that you soak in is then poisoned. The song concludes with Mary singing I’m not crying on Sundays, which I think means not letting religious intolerance and churches harm us anymore, not subjecting ourselves to those words anymore

2012 - Origin of Love : MIKA - Mika said this song “talks about my life, it talks about the church, it talks about falling in love and it talks about being happy and proud about falling in love with whoever you fall in love with, even if it’s a man. So in a way, this is my statement and my thank you to the man I love.“ To his partner he sings You are the sun and the light, you are the freedom I fight, God will do nothing to stop it.

Mika contrasts the goodness romance brings to his life with how the Bible introduces heterosexual relationships: Like stupid Adam and Eve, they found their love in a tree. God didn’t think they deserved it. He taught them hate, taught them pride, gave them a leaf, made them hide. Let’s push their stories aside. You know the origin is you

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - The lyrics are against church-fueled homophobia and persecution of queer people, and instead Hozier finds meaning by worshiping in the bedroom. Many queer people can identify with these lyrics: Every Sunday’s getting more bleak, a fresh poison each week. "We were born sick", you heard them say it. Hozier explained that churches undermine humanity by teaching shame about sexual orientation by saying that it is sinful, or that it offends God. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ+ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - Mika is singing about how religion teaches there’s no place in heaven for gay people because the way we love is sinful. Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Trash : Tyler Glenn - In response to the Nov 2015 Policy of Exclusion by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Tyler created this video denouncing the Church’s restrictive view of same-sex relationships. The pain and anger are so raw in this video, it hurts to watch. These lyrics are an indictment, that he’d repent his days away if we wanted him to stay, but we throw him out like trash. If this is God’s church then there should be room for ALL God’s children.

2016 - Shameless : Tyler Glenn - The video has an old man in a black suit & white shirt tied up to a chair as Tyler sings You judge, but I don’t give a damn. I live a life so shameless. He lists things he does shamelessly now that once he would’ve been judged for: porn, one-night stands, alcohol. Tyler has now left the church and is not letting old men in suits make him feel shame.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven? Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ+ protests throughout history.

2016 - Sudden Death (OMG) : Tyler Glenn - In this song, Tyler expresses the initial shock of his faith crisis. I never asked to fall from grace. Catch me I’m starting to fall! Don’t know what all this is for! Keep comin at me with your disrespect. You went and started a war. Now I don’t care any more. I keep on living like it’s sudden death.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. I found myself when I lost my faith and not being able to pray the gay away. The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and that’s important because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.  

2016 - Queer Gospel : Erin McKeown - This song is a response to the ongoing trend of "religious freedom" legislation being passed by some US states. Love us as we are. See us and we're holy. In this shall we shall ever be, wholly ourselves

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittery jacket, which is such a powerful metaphor.

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - There are lyrics in this song of what religious people have told him, and boy do they hurt. They say, 'Don't dare, don't you even go there, cutting off your long hair. You do as you're told' Tell you, ‘Wake up, go put on your makeup, this is just a phase you're gonna outgrow.’ There’s a line in the song that hits me hard: One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life. The video is beautiful, very poignant, it breaks my heart and gives me hope. But these lyrics of what people 

2017 - Pray : Sam Smith - You won’t see Sam in church, but they say they’re a child of God at heart and they’re begging God to show them a way. I'm not a saint, I'm more of a sinner. I don't wanna lose, but I fear for the winners.

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing. He is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in church for him because he’s gay. The “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes. Holy Father, we need to talk. I have a secret that I can't keep. I'm not the boy that you thought you wanted. Please don't get angry, have faith in me

2018 - Explaining Jesus : Jordy Searcy -  Jordy grew up playing music with his family and in his church. In 2014, Jordy landed a spot on NBC’s The Voice. In this song, Searcy is apologizing for how poorly we have been “Explaining Jesus” to others. He begins by singing If you're gay and over 85, you've felt for your whole life, that when God made you, he just messed up. 

2019 - Hey Jesus : Trey Pearson - Trey made headlines in 2016 when, as the lead singer of the Christian rock band Everyday Sunday, he came out as gay. Three years later and Trey has a question: Hey Jesus can you hear me now? It’s been awhile since I came out, I was wonderin’ do you love me the same? As a person who struggles to reconcile faith with sexual orientation, I find this song quite moving. The song ends with And I'm so sorry for all the wrongs. We're broken singers with broken songs. We paint our pride and call it truth. I'm sorry no one explained Jesus to you

2020 - God Loves Me Too : Brian Falduto - Brian played the gay kid in the movie School of Rock. Now as an adult, Brian is back and singing a song that no one has to earn God’s love. Brian wrote the song after visiting a church that was welcoming and accepting of queer people. I look around and see I’ve found a place where peace and love abound. I’ve waited my whole life for the truth. It is true, God loves you. It don’t matter if you’re LGBTQ

2020 - Chasing Rainbows : Big Freedia feat. Kesha - Freedia is a gay Black man who wears women’s hair and carries a purse and uses “he” and “she” pronouns. Kesha is bi. Together they put out an uplifting song. Freedia lists the various ways she’s been put down throughout her life by schoolyard bullies, religious figures and record labels. Kesha makes clear we won’t be put down any longer when she sings You know me, bein’ free. Won’t be silent, I pray for my enemies. 

2020 - Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America : The 1975 - This song has Matty Healy pondering religious faith and love from his perspective as a queer person and describes hiding his sexual identity because of his religious beliefs. Phoebe Bridgers, who is bisexual, contributes a fragile and vulnerable verse. She sings of her love for the girl next door. Her love is unrequited as she is unable to reveal her true feelings to her neighbor.

2020 - Orphans of God : Ty Herndon & Kristin Chenoweth feat. Paul Cardall - The message of the song is that there are no orphans of God. We are all loved, we are all thought about, we are all created equally and God loves us all just the same. Ty Herndon is a country singer who came out as gay in 2014

2021 - I Know it Hurts : Paul Cardall & Tyler Glenn - This makes me think of a queer person coming to recognize their insecure place in church, how all those negative teachings were about you. I just wanted to believe, but how am I supposed to believe this about me? And then we find each other, queer members of our church who can understand what we’re going through, who know the hurts and the teachings and comments. For most queer people, they leave church and go on a different path. They’re not lost, a faint light at the end is guiding their way, they’re finding another way back home.

2021 - It’s a Sin : Elton John and Years & Years - This arrangement of the 1987 song by the Pet Shop Boys was recorded by the gay icons Elton John and Years & Years for the 2021 Brit Awards. The words are about a person’s lifelong feelings of shame and guilt for being taught that being gay is a sin. 

2021 - Born this Way (The Country Road Version) : Orville Peck - For the 10th anniversary of this iconic song, gay singer Orville gives it a country music makeover

2022 - Good Day (feat. Derek Webb) : Flamy Grant - Matthew Blake was a worship leader for 22 years who has become a “shame-slaying, hip-swaying, singing-songwriting drag queen” named Flamy Grant. The lyrics talks of coming back to church after having left for feeling oppressed. They’ve come back to church because despite what some say, God’s love is expansive enough for everyone. God made me good in every way, so I raise my voice to celebrate a good day. This song hit #1 on the iTunes Christian chart.

2022 - If I Was Gay : Andreas Wijv - 29 year old Swedish singer and model Andreas Wijk wrote this song and debuted it in a TikTok video where he plays it for his parents as his way of coming out. It’s a vulnerable song that many will relate to. If I was gay would I be what they say, just a stereotype. If I was gay how do I get to heaven when there’s “no church in the wild”

2023 - Faith : Semler - Grace Semler Baldridge performs by the name Semler and is genderqueer and non-binary. She grew up with a dad who was a pastor in the Episcopal Church, and sings of how the rejection of her identity by the church left them scarred. When my religion turned against me, they said my hopes and dreams were faulty. I showed these holes inside my hands, and they claimed they couldn’t see. Even as they struggled with the church, Semler kept a relationship with Jesus and found she flourished far more than she did in church. And now the thought of going back to a church is unappealing. But I don’t wanna get small to be in those rooms. After singing about their religion turning against them and that Semler wasn’t holy, we hear the lyrics Our God is good and able, and our God is flipping tables at the mess of love we made a religion that often didn’t accept her identity. This song was released in June and before Pride month was over it reached the top of the iTunes Christian music chart.

2024 - Hell Together : David Archuleta - This is a song of David’s experience at church as a gay person: Bow your head, don’t be bold. You’ll survive by doin’ what you’re told. It became too much and he worries what his mom would think if he leaves the church: All I want is to make you proud. If I would run, would I let you down? In response, she replies: “If I have to live without you. I don’t wanna live forever in someone else’s heaven. So let 'em close the gates. Oh, if they don’t like the way you’re made, then they’re not any better. If Paradise is pressurе, oh, we’ll go to hell togethеr.” A beautiful story of a mom supporting her queer child. In response to his mom, he answers that he’s worried about what’s ahead but is confident to take those steps together: You and me, that’s all we need. Blood is thicker than the pages that they read. I’m afraid (I’m afraid) of letting go, of the version that I used to know. I’m not crying, you are.