#blah when i was a kid i shared same room with mom and so the tv

[glimpsesofeuterpe]

i really have to go to bed before midnight, cant deny i felt much better (and healthier) back in few times when it almost turned into a habit

[pixiedoodlein]

Wellllll amazing babysitter was short-lived. Turned out to be kind of a psycho then went AWOL before I fired. Friend from the org I worked at when we first moved to the country just got fired (by the jerk who was our jerky boss, who then got fired for firing her) and is going to help me w/ the kiddos a bit. I love my new (not so new anymore, 2.5 mos) reentry/ comms job, work a ton (too much, should lower the bar, but it’s fun and I like it), and have a v full plate— returning to grad school to finally finish my MFA and it was a real cartwheel trying to schedule my 4 hours/month of (virtual) grad projects meetings. A will be working 24/7 til mid-Oct, some weeks somewhere a few hours away. M is coming back to home school (she tried the local little pub school last year, was adored for being the awesome smarty pants she is, decided it’s too easy/ too full of republicans, decided she was over it) + has forest school one day a week (half hour away) she needs to get taken to/ picked up from, zooms throughout the week (piano, Spanish, math) she may need adult assistance navigating and sometimes I have work zooms at the same exact moment. Little guy (who is almost 3, HOW) is starting a preschool coop 2.5 hours, 2x week he’ll also need to get taken to/ taken home from (also half hour away, thankful for the existence of the high-end hippie town to the west). Not sure how I’ll be in 50 places at once so my work friend having time/ desire to be our part-time caregiver/ lifesaver is incredibly helpful (plus I love her and love having her around; I didn’t love having the not-actually-awesome-AWOL-sitter around, I’m antisocial and don’t like having many around, etc).

This is a really boring update; everyone’s busy, blah blah blah. I used to use this space to process, share about deep shit, connect. When I first started posting here, after lurking a while, I was a (sorta, somewhat, at least by NYC standards) young (ish) single mom who’d been through the systems’ wringer, grappling with aftershocks of said systems involvement while living with the ongoing impacts of A’s, he was still in prison and we were kinda romantically back together but not always totally yet. It was enlightening and fascinating to me to be able to share experiences w/ other women, other moms, also in some way navigating the child welfare system, from different vantage points— foster parent, adoptive parent, professional in the field, foster parent and professional, etc. I went through the family court world and I went through the criminal court world but demographically I am not the typical person to be on the defendant side of those worlds; though I experienced and struggled with many of the things the “bios” experience and struggle with, demographically I was more like the foster moms in this online community. I’d read the foster mom perspectives— generally well-meaning, well-off, well-educated, cool liberal ladies— and sometimes I’d cringe at the lack of empathy for their foster kids’ moms & dads, the absence of acknowledgment of how horrendously horrible it is to have your beloved children snatched from you (even if you did something wrong), the occasional desire for kids not to go home, the wish for someone else’s baby to be their baby.

But because I connected with these humans in so many ways, related to and liked them, I was able to see and hear the different perspectives, which sometimes I agreed with and sometimes I didn’t, but it was a special and amazing thing to have this weird digital space where we came to be honest and vulnerable together. I hoped that by being honest and vulnerable too, I could also share a different perspective, like they’d entrusted me with their different perspectives, tell what it was like to be on the other side of the court room, articulate things that maybe the parents of the kids they were caring for might also be feeling but might not be able to, or have opportunity to, say, or might not be able to say the things that needed saying in a way that could be heard.

Over the years my life has changed a lot; over the years everyone’s lives have changed a lot. While the trauma and PTSD of systemic involvement is still very real to me, I no longer relate in the way I once did to the role assigned to me during that involvement. Some of the people here I was so drawn to, so invested in, are no longer posting; most are no longer fostering; everyone has moved on in one way or another. Over the years I was so privileged to be granted a window into experiences, and to see perspectives shift— people here thinking deeply about the system, reevaluating their place in it, realizing that so many times so much pain could be avoided by just giving people money instead of the state spending tons of it tearing families apart to spend buckets more trying, supposedly and ineffectively, to velcro those same families back together via absurd hoops in a Kafka-esque vortex of a dysfunctional legal system, people here living through various versions of it with various details, and learning more and seeing more and sharing stories and heartbreaks here, grappling with big questions of equity and family and future here.

I firmly believe that the child welfare system is the most fucked up and flawed of all the fucked up flawed systems in this country. Even before defund the police, defund CPS. Abolish it, burn it down, build something vastly different, it inherently can’t and shouldn’t be salvaged. I believe it’s a system that causes massive amounts of very real trauma taking kids from parents to prevent possible or suspected or unproven trauma, that the needless damage inflicted far outweighs the needed interventions, and I believe these things far more now than I ever did then when I was at its mercy. Having glimpses into other people’s experiences with this system, elsewhere and here, but especially here, carried me to this conclusion. I appreciate the trust and care and reflection and vulnerability that lived in this space, as so many of us struggled with the meanings of this system that so many of us were touched by in so many varying ways.

What this place used to be isn’t what it is anymore, for me. Maybe it’s that so much of my life has changed. I feel like when I come here now it’s to talk about the weather: childcare challenges, is it cove or is it flu, what should I make for dinner, and that’s not what I loved about coming here. Anyway. I think my Tumblr time has ended. If you want to see pictures of what I ended up making for dinner, follow me on the Insta.

It’s been real, ladies. Love many of you lots.

[starryevermore]

let’s ride: the bonding (7) ✧ ari levinson

let’s ride ✧ a biker!ari levinson series | ao3

pairing: biker!ari levinson x single mom!reader

summary: ari starts to chip away at the walls you’ve built up. 

word count: 1,144

warnings?: chapter’s on the shorter side, reader ranting about how people have looked down on her because she’s a single mom, pet name (sweetpea, momma) 

note: there is no set update schedule for this; new parts come whenever they come.

In some ways, you figured your life had improved since Ari Levinson had wedged his way into your heart. He helped you where you would let him. He was by your side. He carried Liam up to his room when the kid had a sugar crash after post-practice ice cream. He didn’t take anyone’s shit when it came to you. He made you happy, made you laugh. Made you feel all giddy and smiley and think the world may just be a good place. 

But, he also read you like a book. And he wasn’t the kind of person who would just let every little thing slide. No, he was the kind of man who wanted to talk things out. He knew how bad it was to hold it all in, and he was fine being your shoulder to cry on. But sometimes, you just wanted to yell and scream and tell him to leave you be, that you didn’t want to talk about your feelings. And yet, if there was any person you could trust, you knew it was Ari. 

“So, you wanna talk about why those moms set you off, sweetpea?” he asked, settling on one end of the couch after carrying Liam to his room. 

You stared at him from the other end of the couch. Every fiber in your being was telling you to make him leave, that he was getting too close to your heart. But, your voice had a mind of its own, the words spilling out before you could stop them. “I’m just sick of it. Of people treating me like shit ‘cause Liam’s father ain’t in the picture.”

“Is it something you wanna vent about?”

A part of you did. But, in the same vein, it made you feel sick to even consider sharing those parts of yourself. They were the parts you’d buried the longest. Though, if there was anyone you could trust with that, you supposed it would be Ari. He was...God, you didn’t want to say he was perfect, but you supposed, if there was anyone that was close to being perfect, it would be Ari Levinson. Ever since you’d met him, he’d been so respectful of you and your boundaries. He’s never pushed, never pried. If you draw a line in the sand, he doesn’t try to toe that line, doesn’t try to jump over it, doesn’t try to force you into believing he’s a good man. 

“Just...So many people think so poorly of me because I’m doing this whole thing by myself,” you said. “And, it’s just gotten worse since moving here. I knew that moving south would expose me to the kind of backwards, traditional thinking that makes me want to rip my fucking hair out. Moms here, they think if you have kids but aren’t married to the father, you’re committing the ultimate sin or something. And I just want to grab them and shake them and ask if they’re even happy with their kids’ father, you know? They’re only married to the father, nine times out ten, because they have kids. They don’t love the father. It’s just for, I don’t know, stability or something?” 

Rage burned in the center of your chest. You’d dealt with so much bullshit over the last seven years. Everyone had an opinion about how you were parenting. About how you were doing too much. But, oh no, now you’re not doing enough! Oh, you should read this parenting book! Actually, no, that one’s trash—read this one instead! Your kid should be doing this by this age, your kid should never, blah blah blah. It was so fucking infuriating. It wasn’t enough that people had to be helicopter parents to their own kids, but they needed to hover around every. fucking. person. God, it made you go fucking crazy.  

“Like, heaven fucking forbid I not trap myself with a man who will never love me or my baby just for the sake of a fucking meal ticket,” you continued. “It’s the fucking twenty first century! Women fucking fought tooth and nail for the right to work, and they want to judge me for working? For teaching their angsty, hormonal teenagers who have never been told no and think they deserve the whole fucking world?”

You didn’t realize you were crying until Ari was moving closer to your end of the couch, pulling you into his arms, shushing you as he rubbed your back, letting you let all of your pent up emotions out. 

“You are one of the strongest women I know,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. Your heart stilled for a moment, and, for a fraction of a second, you allowed yourself to think about how sweet the gesture was, how you wanted him to do it again. “And anyone who can’t see that is a fucking idiot. You do everything in your power to make sure Liam has a good, happy life. That’s something to be admired, to be respected. Everyone who can’t see that doesn’t deserve a place in your life.”

“I know, but it’s so fucking lonely,” you cried. “I’m so sick of having to put up this front that everything’s okay, but it’s not. No one—literally no one—stuck around when I left Liam’s father. They kept saying how I should try to win him back, convince him to marry me or some shit. And when I refused, they decided that meant I didn’t need their help. I’ve been struggling to keep it together for fucking years.”

Ari pulled you closer, as if he was trying to mold your body against him. And you weren’t sure if it was because your emotions were on high, or if it was because you were so desperate for comfort, or something else entirely, but you found yourself curling into him, practically pulling yourself into his lap. You buried your face in the crook of his neck, trying to stop your mind from wandering to the fact that he smelled so good.

“You’re not alone now. You got me,” he said, pressing another kiss to the top of your head. “And you got Sarah, and Sam, and Bucky, and Jefferson. You got a whole group of people who have your back, who will never make you feel lesser than. And if they do, you let me know, okay? ‘Cause I won’t stand for it, sweetpea. I won’t.” 

And, as you sat there, wrapped up in Ari’s arms, trying to stop your tears, you couldn’t help but wonder what your life would be like if you let him in more fully. 

“We’re yours and Liam’s family,” he said. “I’m your family, if you’ll let me be.”

Dammit, you really wanted that. You deserved that. And, you were beginning to think, you might be ready for that. 

[myonepiece]

young vinsmoke brothers crushing on you + when you run away with Sanji

*Sanji not included

*you’re the same age or a year younger than them and you’re a girl in germa kingdom

Niji and Yonji under the cut

-he most likely takes Niji with him whenever he goes to find you

-he brags a lot but he does it more sublty than his two other brothers, he has no problem flaunting his wealth and status nor does he have a problem using it 

-if you say you don’t want to hang out with him or you don’t want to be friends with him anymore he’ll say something like “I can have you banned”

-he just assumes you feel the same as him because honestly he doesn’t know what he’s feeling 

-whenever he’s done training he wanders over to your house to see what you’re up to and ask you to play with him

-chances are his brothers know about his crush and they’ve shown up at your house all together to ‘judge’ Ichiji’s girlfriend

-when he’s not being a dick the two of you actually have fun playing around

-he likes to sit somewhere in the plethora of castles and do anything

-he doesn’t really care that you know how he treats Sanji, you caught him and his brothers beating him up once and you yelled at him and you ignored him for a few days until Sanji shows up at your door and tells you he deserved it (being hit) but little did you know it was because the other three boys had threatened him

-when Sora died Ichiji ‘disappeared’ for awhile as in he stopped showing up to play with you and pester you, eventually he started coming around again but he was colder and more mature than before

-you had been talking to a Sanji a bit everytime Ichiji brought you to the castle to hang out, you told him you wanted to escape with him and he agreed. so the two of you ran onto the ship together and hid out

-when Ichiji returned from the mission and went to find you at your house you weren’t there, so he asked your parents and he asked the neighbors, he even had soldiers search the town but they didn’t find you

-he locked himself up in his room again trying to figure out where you could be, but his father made him get back to training

-Ichiji iindulged in his training and used it to distract himself from your absence and thought of your betrayal, but in the process he grew even more apathetic

-such a little brat

-he’s the type to bully you because he likes you, it’s like a perfect example of a bully being in love with his victim

-he’ll push you and insult you but he get the germa soldiers to bring you to the castle and play with him

-he always goes to you, or more so he has people bring you to him, when he’s mad and he’ll start ranting about everything and sometimes taking it out on you 

-he takes every chance to show off his riches and powers 

-there’s a lot of play wrestling

-he shares his chocolate with you sometimes, when he gets new chocolate he’ll bring some to you so you can try it

-he couldn’t care less about your thoughts on his actions towards Sanji, he’ll beat the poor boy right in front of you 

-if you try to protest or help then Niji will hit you too, very toxic “friendship”

-you wait for him to get back from his missions and he always smiles when he sees you 

-when his mom died he went straight to you and took everything out on you, verbal and physical abuse, but in the end he teared up and forced you into a hug 

-to be fair Niji hadn’t really tried to keep you away from Sanji so the two of you became friends but had to hide it from the others, you found out about his plan to escape and wanted to go with him

-Niji had seen you run off with Sanji before they left for the country they would be destroying and he got super angry but he couldn’t follow the two of you 

-when everyone returned to the kingdom he went straight to look for you but even after having the soldiers sweep the whole town he still couldn’t find you- or Sanji

-so putting the pieces together he figured out you had run away and if he had actual feeling I would say he thought it meant you fell in love with Sanji instead of him, but Niji took it as you liked Sanji better and thought he was better

-so he grew conceited and told himself you’re stupid and aren’t worth anything, he blamed you for a lot of things and bottled up his anger so that he was constantly on the edge of throwing a punch 

-probably the most pleasant of the three to have crushing on you

-he behaves the friendliest out of all of them, asking you to play and going to your house to fetch you

-he also brags of course but he shows you a lot of his toys and lets you play with them

-there’s also bound to be teasing and pushing but when he pushes you down he just m i g h t help you up

-the people of the kingdom often saw the two of you running across the land

-he always took you on little adventures whether it was just to explore, to show off something, or to mess with other kids

-he too doesn’t care about your opinions on him beating Sanji, his brother deserves it he’s weak can’t you see that?

-but chances are you’ve seen him beat up a lot of other kids too so 

-when Sora died Yonji didn’t react much because he had known her the shortest, but he still went to you and kind of disappeared from the castle for awhile to stay with you 

-it was kind of unsettling how indifferent he seemed to his own mother’s death though

-so you and Sanji grew acquainted and you wanted to escape with him and he said yes blah blah, so the two of you left during that mission

-when Yonji came home and didn’t see you playing in the usual spot where you waited for him, he didn’t think anything of it and went to your house but still didn’t find you and after having the guards search everywhere still nothing

-he went to his brothers and ranted about Sanji even more than before and they were just like “yeah we know” “I told you”

-Yonji thought it was because you liked Sanji more and because you thought he was better than him, so a one sided competition started and Yonji’s wish to hurt Sanji grew even more

[jodibodie]

I Have Some Feelings

To start let me just emphasize how much I love and adore this show and always will. This was my covid show. Both of my kids loved “Lucifer” and always said I should watch so at the start of covid I binged it and when I say binged, I mean all 4 seasons in a few days and have rewatched so many times I’ve lost count. I think it is timeless, engrossing, original and all around amazing. The writing and the cast were all excellent. The writing was smart and consistently strong and that is so rare.  Funny, sad, poignant, it hit all the notes with very few plot holes or missteps. There is not one episode in the entire series that was not engaging. Even if I didn’t like an episode, it was still well done. What a rarity.

The cast is scary good. Completely underrated. Just all phenomenally talented.  I don’t remember the last time a cast was this strong.  From the core group to both reoccurring and guest stars, the cast was just fantastic.  

Tom Ellis, no words.  The man deserves to choose whatever he wants to do acting wise. He should have people breaking down his door. He can truly do it all and do it all well. He took a character that if portrayed by a lesser actor could have come off as a complete asshole and made him one of the most sympathetic and loveable characters in recent history. Ellis made a crime solving devil, a promiscuous man-child that occasionally breaks into song and the evidence room into a beloved character that has become an icon.  

Lauren German, WOW.  She is just so damn good. She can break your heart one second and have you laughing the next. She makes Chloe real, and people don’t realize how hard that is. Chloe is smart, kind, tough and gorgeous but she’s also an insecure dork.  She’s us and German just brings it.  

DB Woodside I’ve loved since “Buffy”.  He is a phenomenal actor and who knew he could bring the laughs so well? His expressions were classic. Clueless angel indeed. Amenadiel could have been very one-dimensional but because of Woodside’s talent he became fully fleshed out and full bodied.  

I have no doubt Lesley-Ann Brandt has a huge career in front of her.  She took a character that very well could have been hated, a demon and made her into one of the most human characters on the show. Kudos to her for taking a tough role and making it her own.  

Kevin Alejandro is another actor I’ve loved for a long time.  He also took a character who if we’re going to be honest here did so many unlikeable things that he should have been truly despised but because of Kevin’s portrayal he was beloved. Great actor and a terrific director.

Rachael Harris IMO is the downlow MVP.  She was literally the rock and again, with a lesser actress the role could have been a throwaway. The normal human, the sounding board but Harris imbued her with so much more.  Her spit takes, sarcasm and her obvious compassion was what made Dr. Linda an unforgettable character. Once again just perfect casting.  

Aimee Garcia was a great addition. She made Ella a fan fav and put so much heart, joy and sincerity into Ella never once did you doubt that she would prevail no matter what was thrown at her.  Garcia was just fantastic, and I want her skin care regime.  

Scarlett Estevez pulled off the one thing I thought almost impossible.  She took the role of a young child and made it so I didn’t want to cringe. She portrayed Trixie so beautifully from day one that she was a true pleasure to watch.  Even though Trixie was super precocious Estevez never made her obnoxious. I loved Trixie and I have never said that about any child character in an adult show.  She was wonderful and has an amazing career in front of her.

That said, I’ve got some feelings now that I’ve seen the finale and have had some time to digest it all.  I love that Chloe and Lucifer had eternity and I agree that they had to be separated for Chloe’s lifetime. Didn’t like it but it’s the logical path. She’s human, he’s not. The ageing thing alone necessitated them not being together long term on earth and that’s just to start the list. They had to had to be apart for the short term to get their eternity but the duality of Lucifer's ending and Amenadiel's didn't sit right. Amenadiel as God got to have it all. His calling, his family etc. while Lucifer had to give up everything.  I also don’t buy the “If he came up from hell, he could never leave them again” defense.  I call bullshit.  Amenadiel managed, plus, missing out on the day to day is a huge sacrifice and by Lucifer missing out on the day-to-day Rory could still have had the hatred she needed to drive the story.  Popping in for birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., the big stuff does not a father make.  Not being there for skinned knees, first heartbreaks, and all the little things a daughter needs her dad for can build up tons of resentment.  Boom, absentee father, just like his dad was. That provides all the millennial angel angst you could ask for. I have a daughter; it doesn’t take much.

The Trixie issue was huge for me. Can Chloe see her in Heaven? Will she be able to travel to Heaven and visit Trixie, Penelope, Dan, her father?  Chloe hesitated leaving Heaven in 5x16 because she couldn’t bear saying good-bye to her dad again. It seems as if Chloe sacrificed everything for Rory including Trixie. I want to preface this by saying. I liked Rory and loved the actress. I didn’t however like how it was as if she were their only child.  When Lucifer spoke of family Trixie was not mentioned. Their family day, the same thing. She didn’t need to be there, I get that the explanation regarding Rory would have been way too much to get into but just a mention of her, how awesome it would have been to share this day with her would have worked. It seemed as if Lucifer went from, “I would do anything to protect that little Urchin” to “Trixie who”. Trixie was a character that we watched grow up and she meant something to us. I hate to say this, but the writers did Trixie and the viewers dirty in this regard.

This show was built around a few premises.  Free will, honesty, redemption, sacrifice and family, both blood and made. The ending completely negated almost all of these.  Chloe and their entire family were made into the one thing Lucifer abhorred the most which are liars. Their daughter was brought up surrounded by lies. What did they tell Trixie?  The poor kid just lost her dad, and she was pissed at Lucifer when he went back to hell the first time. Did she grow up hating him because as far as she knew Lucifer left her mom again without saying good-bye and this time it was even worse because Chloe was pregnant.  I get that the actress who plays Trixie had limited availability but seriously. A quick good-bye.

“Hey Urchin, you won’t understand why for a long time, but I have to leave. You know I never lie so I can’t explain why but know that I love you and your mom and one day I hope you can forgive me.”  

A 30 second scene would have worked.

As all the characters learned throughout the series, omission of the truth is just a form of lying and there are always repercussions i.e., Chloe and Father Kinley, Dan shooting Lucifer, Maze finding out about Lilith and even Ella not being told. As far as free will, both Chloe and Lucifer had their free will taken from them in the end. By Rory forcing them to abide by her wishes, their free will was forfeited. It was a huge manipulation on Rory’s part and considering how much Lucifer hated manipulations it just didn’t sit right.

Parents making huge sacrifices I get. Chloe and Lucifer sacrificed everything for their child. Unfortunately for me this sacrifice, the way it was written seemed contrived to pull out maximum and IMO unjustified angst. I love angst.  Hell, this is my favorite show.  I thrive on the angst. But as I wrote earlier, all the anger, angst and hatred towards Lucifer could have been achieved without having Lucifer completely out of the picture. I have two kids and my husband, and I have made huge life altering sacrifices for them as many parents do but being there for the day-to-day little things was what made the difference in their lives and cemented the close relationships we have with them.

“Yeah, dad you were great. Showing up for the fun stuff, always swooping in for the big finish to play the hero then ditching us when things got tough. When Grandma was dying where were you?  Nice that you showed up for the funeral but the six months leading up to it…we needed you and once again you weren’t there. When T got sick, when Jen broke my heart, blah, blah, blah…”

Even the whole Chloe dying scenario. They could have written it that rage Rory traveled minutes before Lucifer got there. Have him pop in right after Rory comes back. There were so many ways to achieve the end game they wanted other than the way they went. It seemed contrived and as if they took the easy way out to get where they needed to go. The Rory rage that was the catalyst for her traveling back in time and Lucifer finding his calling could still have been accomplished without the whole Lucifer disappearing storyline.

Now that I’ve finished my diatribe there’s a couple of additional things I would like to say.  Lucifer is and always will be one of my favorite shows of all time. There are not enough words to describe the comfort and enjoyment this show has brought me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the producers, cast and crew. You truly created something special.

To the fandom. Please do not let a polarizing conclusion rip apart the fandom. The only other fandom I was a part of tore itself apart so badly that the FBI got involved.  Hence why I waited for 15 years to dip my toe in again. Everyone invested in this show has the right to their feelings.  Debate is fine, baiting and bullying are not. The Lucifer fandom like the show is very special. Without the fandom we wouldn’t have gotten any conclusion so don’t let opposing viewpoints tarnish what has been a magical journey.  

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 07 part two

(Masterpost)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Lantern Lighting

Now we have the famous lantern scene, where everybody gets to express their character and have dates, ranging from disastrous to delightful, with the objects of their affection. 

Wei Wuxian continues to be ridiculously good at drawing. 

We’ve all seen Lan Wangji’s lovely first smile in the show a million times, so...let’s look at it again!

This scene is important not just because of the smile, but because there’s a distinct shift in the way they talk about their growing relationship. In the pond, it was “come visit me” and “never!” “I want to be your friend” “No need.” Basically Lan Wangji firmly saying no to Wei Wuxian’s offers of friendship.

This time, Wei Wuxian says “let’s do this together” and Lan Wangji says “I’m used to being alone,” which is not actually a No, just an explanation. And WWX says, you can change that. And then Lan Wangji DOES change it, sharing the lantern and the promise with Wei Wuxian.

Whoever painted this flower is even better than Wei Wuxian at plein air painting. 

(more after the cut!)

Everybody’s wishes

Nie Huasang makes a practical wish. Wen Qing prays for her brother and Jiang Cheng notices how she’s like Yanli. Jiang Cheng isn’t very intense about Wen Qing, which could be a sign of his shyness but could also be a sign of his gayness or aceness. After all, later in life he’s an apparently wealthy clan leader who is hot as fuck, and needs an heir, since his nephew is a Jin. But he’s still not married, 16 years after breaking up with and uh, helping to kill and cremate, the girl he liked in summer school.

The Promise We Made Together

Wei Wuxian makes an ultra-idealistic wish/promise while Lan Wangji watches and falls the rest of the way in love with him, and silently makes the same pledge inside his head. Later they will each refer to this as a promise they made together, which is a really super high level of face-reading by Wei Wuxian, to understand that he really is speaking for both of them here.  While making this promise, Lan Wangji brings out his Yin Iron Magic Bag and waves it around in front of everyone, but nobody notices. 

Let’s take a moment to consider *why* this moment is so powerful for Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji is a boy whose emotions are always on the boil. He’s 100% upset all the time, at this age, and he keeps it clamped down all the time. His cultivation level is probably as high as it is partly because of all the work he does in emotion regulation. (note: if you haven’t read all the meta at @howpeacefulislwj​ , go read it; it’s awesome and hilarious)

Wei Wuxian doesn’t GAF about emotion regulation; he just expresses what he feels, all the damn time. 

He is openly bored, lusty, playful, hungry, whiny. He straight up tells Lan Wangji “you’re boring and you have a stick up your ass” as part of saying he wants to be friends; no deference and also no falseness.  

And he can see right through Lan Wangji’s reserve, barging into his loneliness and isolation without any regard for all of his wards. Wards are made to be broken.

(Unrelated note: Young Lan Wangji's rare moments of contentment seem to come from looking at something beautiful--the moon, falling petals, these lanterns, his mirror.)

But Wei Wuxian is also good. Lan Wangji desperately wants to be good. And here’s Wei Wuxian embodying this awful, amazing, tempting alternative path, in which all the interesting things in life get explored thoroughly, all the sweetness and beauty gets consumed unreservedly, all the pain and ugliness gets confronted and endured without hesitation. 

In this moment, Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji “you can change,” and then offers up this prayer/promise that is just pure chivarly, speaking straight to Lan Wangji’s heart. Very simply, I want to spend my life doing right. Not 3500 rules; just one.

This infuriating boy, who breaks rules and who flirts indiscriminately and who pushes and pushes and pushes, reveals himself in this moment to be a hero at the beginning of his journey, and Lan Wangji sees it, and his heart goes right over the cliff.

The Girls’ Room

The girl cultivators all rush over to Yanli to get in her business about her betrothal, inspiring Jin Zixuan to act like a jerk to her and get even further onto Wei Wuxian’s bad side. 

Talk Shit, Get Hit

Yanli’s wish was that Wei Wuxian would grow up and be good. He promptly launches his own personal Sunshot campaign, punching her fiancee so hard that the sun falls out of the sky and the previously well-lit scene transitions to full night.

So, in English, “don’t mention it again” is really mild, akin to “I don’t want to talk about it.” Wei Wuxian’s reaction makes it seem like Jin Zixuan said something really shitty, like “don’t you dare mention that woman to me!” So I’m assuming something is being lost in translation. 

Lan Wangji tries to calm him down. He grabs Wei Wuxian’s sexy arm muscle and basically holds it until the Jiangs exit the scene. 

Nie Huaisang has placed himself between the opposing factions, which is unusually direct of him. In the future he’ll stick to being an unindicted co-conspirator when Wei Wuxian starts trouble. 

Ants in my Pants

Lan Wangji thinks kneeling can make Wei Wuxian cry, which is adorable of him. 

He really relishes this opportunity to be a pedantic tool to his new boyfriend that annoying boy he hardly ever touches, and it really doesn’t work out for him, poor lamb.

Jiang Fengmian stops by to show exactly how deep his affection for Wei Wuxian runs, and to give him whiplash from constantly changing parental expectations. In a couple of hours he’ll be laughing over WWX & JC’s hijinks.

Wei Wuxian takes this opportunity to fantasize about bad things happening to the other boy in the fight, which is in no way foreshadowing of anything.

Douche Dads Conference

We now convene this meeting of the douchebag council. Jiang Cheng is also invited even though he’s a prick, not a douche. <--important distinction

This is our first time meeting Clan Leader Jin Guangshan. He's actually the most sensible and best parent in this scene, but his smug self-satisfaction hints at his true nature. This actor, Shen Xiaohai, has been active in cdramas for a long while now. I wonder what he looked like 15 years ago?

...Holy mother of god.

Jiang Fengmian is the worst dad and the worst husband here. His clan believes in letting children do what they want - uhh YOUR child wants to marry Jin Zixuan. “I wrote a letter to her mother, who arranged this marriage.” Uhhh she arranged for her sickly, low-cultivation-level, sweet and vulnerable child to marry the heir of a rich and powerful clan, with a powerful mother-in-law who’s looking forward to loving and protecting her. Basically she’s guaranteed her daughter’s safety and comfort, and even potential happiness, since her husband may learn to appreciate her (and in fact, does, thanks to soup and repeated beatings from WWX).

Mom worked hard and probably spent a fair amount of social capital to achieve this. And you’re going to toss that aside because the boy thinks he’s too good for her? What the everloving fuck, how are you a clan leader in the first place? 

You can see that Jiang Cheng understands all of this and what a terrible choice his father is making here. 

So do the other adults in the room.

Jin Guangshen: our wives are going to kill us

Lan Qiren: I'm looking at a couple of dead men

Jiang Fengmian pointedly won’t listen to Jiang Cheng or let him speak, showing that all his talk about being free is actually bullshit, that only applies to other people’s children.

Jiang Chang vaults off of the deck to tell Wei Wuxian about it. Hottt

Sorry Sis

Wei Wuxian goes to Jiang Yanli to sorta-apologize and sorta ask to be let off the hook for fucking up her engagement, which he absolutely did. He knows it, which is presumably why he bows to her in paperman form while hiding outside.

At no time has Jiang Yanli indicated to anyone that she doesn’t want to marry Jin Zixuan, as far as I can see, or said she wanted to be defended from insults with punching. Look how good SHE is at defending a person from insults, for comparison.

Yin Iron Blah Blah Blah

The senior Lans meet with Jiang Fengmian  to talk about the Yawn Yin Iron. Yawn. 

Jiang Fengmian addresses Lan Xichen as Lan Gongzi, which is adorable, since he is a big boy to everyone else. His family calls him Xichen and other people call him Zewu-Jun.

Farewell and Fuck You

The three Jiang kids come to say goodbye.

Lan Quiren says goodbye with a heap of criticism for Wei Wuxian and the horse he rode in on, and Jiang Fengmian basically says, yep, that’s what he’s like, all right.  

Good thing Wei Ying gets so much verbal abuse at home he doesn’t take it very hard when he finds it in the field. 

Wangji doesn’t say goodbye properly, which will be a recurring theme for the two of them.

I don’t know if this is because he has a problem with goodbyes, or is just being a jerk, or because he’s so bad at lying he doesn’t dare talk to Wei Wuxian lest he reveal his travel plans. 

Indulgent Dad Continues to be the Worst

Jiang Cheng complains at Wei Wuxian for wanting to say goodbye to Lan Wangji, and WWX says he likes him because he is equal to WWX in fighting, whereas JC sucks. JC hits him tries to hit him--gosh, he DOES suck, comparatively. 

Yanli, who has been keeping these boys in line all summer, sighs deeply at her Dad’s tolerance for their hijinks. OP has five brothers and this sibling-hijinks behavior is 100% accurate, except for the part where it is happening at someone else’s house in front of the hosts. 

WWX pretending to be Lan Qiren where Lan Wangji can see him doing it, in front of Lan Qiren’s colleague and supposed friend, and just earning a laugh from the patriarch? Good lord.  Dad Jiang tolerating this is shocking, particularly in the in-show culture where corporal punishment is as common as tea. 

We’ve tried Nothing, and we’re all out of ideas!

Uggghh why are you like this?

Here in the real world, OP uses “positive discipline” with her child, and encourages other parents to consider it, particularly if your child is neuroatypical or asynchronous.  That said, JF should be punishing the crap out of both boys for this behavior every time it happens, or should quit being a clan leader.  He’s relying on Jiang Yanli to keep them in line while he gets to just be amused by them. And he’s letting Lan Qiren discipline Wei Wuxian instead of doing it himself. He suuuuuuucks. 

Lan Wangji watches all of this. Lan Xichen reminds Lan Wangji that without Wei Wuxian, he’s completely fucking miserable. Lan Wangji still doesn’t plan to bring him along on his trip, though.

Time to return to our lives of crushing loneliness

Rabbits

At this same moment when Lan Wangji is staring down the barrel of future loneliness, Wei Wuxian is already deciding to leave the (forbidden) rabbits in Cloud Recesses “In case Lan Zhan gets lonely.”  This small decision by Wei Wuxian - breaking the rules of Cloud Recesses for the millionth time - is kinder than he knows. Because what is the job of these rabbits? Let’s have a desaturated flashback. 

Lan Zhan spent 3 years in the ice cave. The rabbits kept Lan Yi company in the ice cave. So...did the rabbits sneak in to keep Lan Wangji company in the ice cave as well? I’m going to say yes. By ep 43 they are following him to the gate of Cloud Recesses so they are very attached to him.  Well done, Wei Ying.

Where my bitches at? Seriously, our warren needs bitches

(Is Watership Down still a thing people read? If not, just go ahead and assume all of OP’s rabbit jokes are about Watership Down because OP ain’t going to stop making them)

While Wei Wuxian annoys the bunny he has a flashback to the scene that happened 4 minutes earlier. The Untamed editors assume the viewership has the attention span of a goldfish, and I personally appreciate that they understand me so well.

Wei Wuxian figures out that Lan Wangji is going on the road alone, and tells the bunny immediately. The bunny is very concerned.

Writing Prompt: What do next-generation cultivators Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi wish for at lantern-lighting time?

[shinebrightlikeanarwhal]

Travis-centered plots because I Like fix it’s… (I just finished typing them all, I’m ashamed for my sinful brain oml)

- Larry and Travis having once been friends but being torn apart by Travis’ father. Larry keeping an eye on Travis for years but then turning his attention to Sal, whom in turn receives the sudden disdain of Travis.

Sal confronts Travis in the bathrooms one day and Larry listens from the door. Eventually Sal talks Travis into tears. He confesses to being jealous of Sal and not wanting Larry to stop focusing on him, even if Larry ends up hating him. How his dad would beat him if Travis and Larry ever got close again. Larry barges in and holds Travis close. They reconcile (Sal opting to let the boys talk, clearly not in the mood to see Enemies to Lovers tonguing den in the school bathroom.

They uproot and destroy the cult, blah blah blah, Happily ever after and Travis gets help for his trauma induced depression and anxiety.

- Travis has been off for a few days. He doesn’t antagonize anyone. Philip does more talking and ginger touching that Travis violently jerks away from. During class he barely responds and teachers don’t try to force him. Sal didn’t expect to find Travis sleeping on a bench one day. His worn shoes now tattered with holes at the bottom. His black eye prominent but accompanied by a busted lip and what looked to be severe damage to his legs.

Not sure how he did it, but Sal managed to convince Travis to come home with him. Introduces Travis to Henry and leads him to the bathroom where he washed off and got treated. His damage was severe and Sal really wanted to call the police but just seeing a fearful Travis weened him off the idea.

Larry was not too pleased to find Travis at Sals. He almost yelled until he noted Travis look at his raised hand and cower from him. Larry pausing and pulls Sal to the side to understand. Of course they don’t know the full story but it’s enough to have Larry texting the group for help. Most were curious about what could lead them to wanting to help Travis. Ash, however, seemed to know a lot.

They find out about Travis’ abuse, the cult. Travis helps a little. He is still terrified of them but they start to grow on him with time. He even allows contact with Sal rarely, who shows him his face during a bonding moment at the dead of night. Larry makes playlists and CDs to help Travis get accustomed to loud noises (many of which are songs Larry personally thinks Travis would enjoy.

After the gang destroys and puts the cult behind bars. No demons, no murders, and no dead friends. Sal manages to convince Travis to report his father, thankfully they kept his clothes to give to the state police, Todd refused to trust the local police after further investigating the cult and their connections.

Healing and coping, cuddling and coddling. Travis getting the love and attention he deserves! Could end with him dating someone or him just being under their care for a while.

—Salvis but Sal is a bit more aggressive with Travis. Fuck it ABO, Travis is a very spicy omega that pretends to be a Beta. Sal is a strong scented alpha, like it’s a musky and domineering scent compared to his appearance. Larry is an alpha, though his scent is murky and smoky, and he doesn’t act like the stereotypical alpha. Travis nitpicks them like usual, though sometimes they are too distracted by the nice smell seeping off of him. Larry sneers and asks if Travis mom scented him before school. Travis is upset at this. Much more emotional than usual. Sal notes the spike in scent and jabs Larry.

Uh oh, Travis is presenting in the bathroom, and beta Philip isn’t able to fight off the alphas coming to investigate the scent, thankfully Sal is here to soothe and calm the terrified Travis while his friends help fend off the other students.

Mr. Phelps is pissed about an omega son. Travis is constantly scented with distress. He isn’t allowed to talk about it but everyone can smell it. They are well aware of Travis’ fluctuating weight, fatigue and his tan skin turning pale and bruised worse than before. Larry is annoyed by this but can’t tell whether it’s the scent affecting him or his stern belief in protecting omegas from abusive alphas.

Sal hates it, he knows he felt the mate bond but Travis doesn’t seem to notice. Travis’ suffering eats away at Sal until he all but corners Travis and propositions him to save him from his father and give him sanctuary. It takes a lot to convince Travis. Heck, he has to promise Larry wouldnt hurt him (Larry later seeks Travis to reconcile their bad blood).

They get to know eachother. Sal is head over heels and watching Travis grow and blossom into his omega blood. Travis starts falling for someone else and Sal tries to be supportive (until he can’t even look at Travis without feeling heartache). But Travis notes he doesn’t love ____ And follows his heart to Sal. They bond, they love and boom, happy little family. (With three cute babies because Travis and Sal deserve happy families)

Larvis: roughly the same as the salvos ABO but Larry straight up picks up Travis and carries him home. Travis tries to fight but is swaddled and pampered until he’s fast asleep and purring in Larry’s arms.

Mr. Phelps doesn’t have much ground to stand on when he tries to take Travis back. Larry confirming that Travis is his mate and based off of Phelps’ beliefs he should reside with his mate.

Travis is surprised his father backs off so easily (because how could the pastor refute what he preaches?? Such blasphemy would be heard by the church blah blah blah). Larry and Travis talk and Larry admits that they are indeed mates, he never brought it up for Travis’ health. He was already struggling to care for himself, a mating bond would send his already feeble body and fragile mind spiraling. Larry also admits he knew they were mates ever since he presented, which wasn’t that long after entering highschool. But, Travis was so proud to be ‘normal’ and not some horny mess like the others. He also didn’t like seeing Travis harass and bully others, which probably aided in his aggressive rejection of the omega and prolonged Travis’ presentation.

Life goes on and Larry and Travis are happily married with four kids (two more in the oven, because Larry is a very affectionate husband). Cult was handled and Sal is NOT dead and very much the worlds best uncle.

-Travis having a hot girl summer.

That’s it. That’s the plot.

Thotty church twink marching about in short shorts and tank tops (sinful!) showing off his goodies to the masses. Larry shamelessly offers to partake, and gets thrown for a whirlwind when Travis’ phat ass is delightfully uncontrollable. Sal jokingly shoots his shot and winds up slumped in the back of the church from immaculate head.

Mr. Phelps is away so the thot is out to play. (Courtesy of Mama Phelps aiding and abetting her sons growth as a person. He may be throwing it back to the boys he once sneered at but at least he’s nicer to people)

-Travis being rescued from the Phelps home after a concerned report to the state police. The church closed and his father put behind bars for many accounts of child abuse and neglect and the disappearance of Travis’ mother.

Sal and gang are curious about what the new home will do to Travis after months of rehabilitation, and all damn near faint when they see Travis with long pink hair and a cute sun dress marching into the school. Directly towards them and apologizing for his horrible treatment of them, specifically Sal. They can’t believe his change at first but after weeks of watching him, he seems genuinely happier.

This new happiness starts to get unsettling to Larry, who watches Travis and Philip be closer than before. He shouldn’t care he hates Travis! But god he wished the boy would wrap his arms around his and march down the halls. He would kill to get surprise back hugs or do the hugging. He wanted to share lunch with Travis. Be hand fed meals and have his mouth cleaned whilst being scolded.

Fuck, he’s in love! He thought he nipped that in the bud when Sal started getting bullied by Travis. But no, Travis being rescued from his awful father and being a genuinely good person from then on was astounding. Hell, he even brought Sal treats as an apology for walking in on him with his mask off once. Sal said it was fine but Travis babbled ok about feeling bad because Sal looked terrified even though Travis didn’t think Sal was any less cool. (Yes, Sal cried in his room about how much it meant for someone to say that).

For fucks sake, Travis had pictures upon pictures of his new family and their pets. PETS. He had dooogs, god Larry lost his mind seeing Travis jogging around town with dogs in shorts and a sweaty, almost see through tank top!! He’s too gay for this.

He finally confesses, maybe tries to play it off as a joke, but Travis just smiles sweetly and pecks his cheek. He’s sorry but he’s already dating someone. Larry tries not to let his disappointment show, but he just can’t feel the need to go to school for a couple of days. Hides out in his tree house and just smokes. Cause, cmon.. who’d wanna date him?? All he does is smoke and play around! He hasn’t had a stable relationship in years and most he’s known for is sleeping with whoever he deems the hottest.

Sal notices his behavior and tries to comfort him, not sure why Larry is like this, by offering to introduce him to his partner. Maybe they have a friend Larry is interested in. Larry wants to be supportive but he really doesn’t care to see Sals new beau(ty). He really just wanted to camp out in the tree house and smoke away the pain. Or, he did until he sees Travis and Sal holding hands and nuzzling on the couch one day. Sals legs on Travis’ and Travis combing Sals hair. Larry felt like his world came crashing down, his best friend?? And his first and worst crush?? The crush that sent him spiraling for what could have been weeks? Sal is innocent, he didn’t know that Larry was madly in love with Travis. Didn’t know that Travis so politely rejected him and offered to cease contact if Larry felt he couldn’t be around him.

Larry wasn’t much of a romantic after that. He played around with whoever he felt needed love. His partying spiraling out of control in adult hood. Travis tried to contact him and help him find a good person, but any attempts to help Larry ended with Larry crying to him drunkenly. Asking why he wasn’t good enough, why he couldn’t have been Sal. Travis wasn’t allowed near Larry after Larry drunkenly made advances at him, he doesn’t blame Larry he’s extremely emotional, but Sal felt Larry would only get worse the more they stayed in contact, so they were kept apart.

Larry never loved anyone as much as he loved Travis Fisher.

-Last one was a sadder Onesided Larvis, this one is Larry teasing and cornering Travis so much that Travis tries to shock him by kissing him. He came home with some hickies and a very prominent limp.

They’re not saying, yet, but Wingman Sal is politely judging Travis into Larry’s arms. They are constantly alone together. Larry blowing Travis’ back out in an abandoned amusement park when the others split up to explore. “He sprained his ankle running from a shadow” Hmph, Travis smelt like axe. He HATES the smell of axe… but okay lovebirds.

Sal has 100% walked in on the secret lovers getting frisky when moms out. Later helps Travis shop for more pretty clothes, because who wouldn’t want a shopping body??? That’s almost illegal to not take the opportunity.

Larry eats ass. A lot. Travis can literally be on FaceTime shopping with Sal and Larry just slips under the covers and enjoys his fill of boyfriend cheekies~ yum!

Travis, as revenge, will give the gawk gawk 9000. Larry is NOT safe if he thinks Travis has forgotten the embarrassment of Sal chuckling and telling him he has to go walk his homework. He could be on the phone with his boss or Lisa and Travis will give the sloppiest top he’s ever had. (Praise the son for horni bratty bottoms)

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

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June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

[savethelastdan]

Yashahime Is Over Party: Contribution #2

“All right, all right!” 

The crowd of villagers quieted (some with a wince) as the high-pitched shout rang around the village entrance. Ten-year-old Moroha gave them one last warning glare for good measure. 

With, as her Great-Grandpa on the other side of the Well would say, “more gusto than should be necessary”, she then leapt upon the nearest height-offering surface - one of the tourists’ suitcases, emblazoned a dozen times on every side with “FRAGILE” - and began her welcome speech. 

“Shut your mouths and hold onto your butts, folks, because this is a real treat! The coolest village ever to exist in any timeline, on a sunny day! Since my big brother is at kitsune academy today, you all have the honor of yours truly acting as escort around this prime piece of feudal real estate!” 

Dramatic pause for emphasis. (Yes, she’d taken some liberties with the script that Shippo had left, and she didn’t quite know what ‘prime piece of real estate’ actually meant, but her cousin Towa agreed that it sounded fancy and fancy always worked with humans.) 

A soft-faced young woman glanced around the crowd self-consciously before raising a hand. “You mean, this is the village where priestess Kikyo - “

“Ahem!” Moroha held up the wooden sign hanging from her neck, tapping the carved-in letters spelling ‘Village Tour Guide #2” with one nail. “Are you wearin’ the sign?”

“Oh. Uh, sorry.” The woman blushed. 

After a moment, Moroha cleared her throat. “Okay, yeah, it is. But there’s a bunch of other super-cool people here, too! If you wanna meet them - follow me!” With that, she jumped from the suitcase to land solidly in the dirt. A few tourists reared back from the cloud of disturbed dust, putting them at the back of the moving crowd. 

“First up, the sister of the blah-dee-blah-famed-priestess-blah-dee-blah Kikyo - Lady Kaedeeeeee!” She swung both arms in a dramatic half-circle towards the healer woman’s hut; the crowd ooh-ed and ah-ed appropriately. “On days like these, she’s either healing a sick patient, birthin’ a new baby, or taking a long nap! Since she’s awfully old, the napping’s more frequent.” Hooking an arm around a teenage tourist’s shoulder, she hissed in a spooky tone, “Some say she’ll live forever, getting older and older until she’s like a living zombie-” 

“I heard that.” With a cross expression, Kaede leaned out of the window.“Don’t think I won’t curse you for those bad manners.”

Moroha waved the group on with a nervous chuckle. 

“And this is the home of the most famous demon slayer known to womankind - Sango!” Cupping both hands around her mouth like a bullhorn, Moroha drew out the last syllable of the woman’s name to emphasize her coolness. Several of the humans perked up with excitement; it wasn’t hard to imagine that they had themselves benefited from some of the woman’s work. 

“Her husband Miroku lives here too. He used to be a monk, but now he’s a family guy! My papa says -” She straightened, putting on a deep, gruff tone - “it’s a damn miracle -” Dropping the tone, she grinned cheerily at the group - “nobody will tell me why!” 

As if on cue, the door to the house opened to reveal a group of tall, bickering young adults. The loudest were two women with matching features, the only visible difference to a stranger being that one’s slayer outfit was trimmed in pink and the other’s in green. Behind them trotted a younger boy, also wearing a slayer outfit in red.  

“I’m taking the kusarigama, you’re taking the wakizashi!” The green-outfitted slayer said, ignoring her sister’s attempts to talk over her. “Otherwise you and Mom will have two long-range weapons, and that makes no sense!” 

“Plus that’s Uncle Kohaku’s specialty!” Their brother piped up; he dodged the twin elbows that swung back at him as easily as if they’d warned him. “She wants to impress him with it so he’ll take her on his trip to the mountains with Rin this summer!” 

Through the left-open door, came the sweet smell of treats baking - one of the many hobbies Miroku had taken up with his time, now that he wasn’t going to up and die (Moroha knew she wasn’t technically supposed to know about that. Or probably phrase it like that… But if her godfather Koga said it that way, why was it any different for her?)

The group of slayers stopped short upon seeing the crowd; with awkward bows, they quickly skirted their way around the gaping tourists. 

““That’s Sango’s kids; every one of ‘em demon slayer prodigies.” Slinging her arm around the same teen from earlier, Moroha shook her head with a dramatic sigh. “Makes me almost want another sibling. Except then I’d have to share my room, nooooo thank you!”

“Excuse me.” A mustached man in the middle of the group raised one arm curiously. “I heard one of those women mention Rin - is that the human who died twice and was resurrected by the sword Tenseiga?” 

“Huh? Oh, yeah. That’s Rin.” Moroha tapped her own head thoughtfully and muttered under her breath, “Was it really only twice…”

“Does she still live here?” The man’s mustache drooped in a frown. “Or did she go to live with that dog demon?”

“Dog demon? Ohhh, you mean Uncle Sesshomaru!” A smile stretched across her face. “I almost forgot about him! Nah, after she got married she decided to stay in town -” 

“Married?!” The group erupted in murmurs of horror. One kerchiefed mother clapped her hands over the ears of her daughter; the mustached man turned green.

Moroha’s face fell. “Well, yeah. She wanted to keep taking healer lessons from Kaede, and even though he travels a lot, she wanted to stay by Kohaku’s side when he comes home. Be a team, and all that.” 

“Ohhhh, so she’s Kohaku’s wife!” The human mother’s shoulders slumped with a sigh. “How lovely and age-appropriate.” 

Moroha wasn’t sure what that meant, but if it made the negative energy go away then she was all for it! “Rin’s super cool, anyway. She knows how to heal demons, not just humans, and she tells really good ghost stories, and she’s actually really good at arm-wrestling -” 

Suddenly she ducked her head to whisper, “She’s probably my favorite cousin, if I’m bein’ honest with ya.”

 “Do you have other cousins?” A man who appeared to look a thousand years old squinted in her direction. Perhaps in confusion, but it was hard to tell with all the wrinkles. “I doubt a full-blooded dog demon like that Sesshomaru fella would leave his legacy in the hands of a human girl.” 

“My mom would say that’s prejudiced,” Moroha said helpfully, causing the old man to blanche. “But Rin’s got two little sisters, who you can see riiiiiiight now!” 

With a dramatic twist, she whirled around to point in the opposite direction with both hands, adding a low growl that was meant to mimic the roar of an excited crowd. 

The moment was slightly underwhelmed by the confused looks of the tourists as they took a moment to figure out where exactly to look. That’s okay; she’d work on it. 

Down the road, her twin cousins leaned against the wall of a house (Moroha’s house, which she was saving for last because you always save the best for last). Towa was smiling and pointing out something up in the sky, while Setsuna wore a very predictable scowl. From this far away, the red streaks in their hair were little more than smudges. 

The extremely old man with an attitude problem made a weird hacking noise, most likely in surprise. 

“Did he adopt them like your other cousin?” asked a teenage girl. 

“Kinda!” Both hands landed on her hips; Moroha then modeled her expression on her Uncle - stoic, dismissive, oh-so-cool. “On a cool spring night, Uncle Sesshomaru walked into the darkest, deepest forest on the planet, waved his sword over a really old and creepy tree, and when he cut it open - there they were. Two lil’ hanyou babies.” 

Dramatic pause. 

“Just kiddin’.” Laughing loud enough to bring back the wincing from the group, Moroha slapped her knee. “They’re full demons. I can still take either of ‘em in a fight, though. Oh!” She pointed up in the air with a wide, excited smile. “There’s their mom right now!” 

Murmurs of confusion filled the air as the tourists moved their heads this way, that way; only when a chilling breeze morphed into flesh and bone, right before their eyes, did the group exclaim in collective understanding. 

Moroha waved. “Hi, Auntie Kagura!” 

“Yo.” Clearly taken aback by the crowd, the wind demon gave a tiny salute. The side of her neck bore a half-moon symbol tattooed on the skin; Moroha thought it was neat, even if her dad thought it was a dumb, archaic wedding ritual. “Do your parents know you’re doing this?” 

“Uh, duh!” She held up the sign with a cheeky grin. 

“Fair enough.” Upon spying her daughters across the way, Kagura’s expression softened a bit. “Well, I’ll see you later.” 

“No, wait! We’re actually heading the same way.” Gesturing to the not-moving crowd, Moroha repeated, “The same way. Meaning the best part of the tour - come on, folks, work with me here -” 

Kagura snorted, walking quickly as though to avoid the gawking humans and their nosy questions about how she had been resurrected or could still live now that Naraku was dead or got Sesshomaru to admit he had feelings much less have kids with her. A curt “none of your business” was all they’d get, no matter how much Moroha tugged on her sleeve and whined about “giving people their money’s worth.”

Luckily, once they reached Moroha’s house, it was easy to escape. After all, a much more awe-inspiring attraction awaited the group of lucky, lucky tourists. 

“And now! The Greatest Love Story Of Our Time!” With a winning grin, Moroha landed a kick on the door, sending it slamming open. 

“Oh.” Kagome blinked at the group from where she sat on a futon in the middle of the house, surrounded by magical artifacts. A scroll marked with ink rolled from her lap all the way to one side of the room. Behind her, halfway through helping her put her hair in a bun, Inuyasha froze “Uh, hello?”

“My parents! Dumdedumdummmmm!” The warmth of her pride felt like it was going to burst in her chest. It was the absolute best to come home to people who loved her! Whether it was tickle fights before bed, or her dad taking her and Shippo out on demon-tracking trips, or her mom humming a lullaby if she felt sick on the full moon night, Moroha was certain her family was the best of anybody’s anywhere. “One fell through time, and one fell -- fell, uh, for her -- sorry, I’ll work on it.” 

Inuyasha huffed in the way that meant he was going to complain later. Kagome just chuckled and waved. 

For once, the humans reacted exactly the way Moroha wanted them to - smiling, clapping, appreciating the wonder of her super-beautiful-and-also-hella-powerful mom and grumpy-but-still-amazingly-brave papa. She launched into the story she knew by heart, of how they had come to be together and saved the whole world while they were at it. Some parts were probably missing or misrepresented, from the laughter in her mom’s eyes, but she had enough of it right that half the tourist group was in near tears by the time she was done. 

“And now, they have one more accomplishment to add to the long list - parenting the greatest warrior this world has ever seen. Moro-uh, Beniyasha!” Swirling the ends of her fire-rat robe, she twirled. “The Crimson Slayer!”

“Slayer of my patience, maybe,” Inuyasha snapped, though he was unable to hide his smile as he marched over to grab her by the collar. “Come ‘ere, kid. You’ve got chores to do!” 

Tossing her over his shoulder, he waved dismissively at the group of humans. “Sorry folks, the show ends here. Yeesh...” 

Moroha cupped both hands around her mouth, screeching to be heard over her parent’s laughter before the door shut.

“Make sure to leave your comment cards in the box at the entrance!”

[sapphicmsmarvel]

Ghost Of You

song for this fic: ghost of you

hp masterlist

regular masterlist

Big TW for drug addiction, suicide, grief. 

I wrote this after my sister's death in march, the exact same cause. 

I was just able to finish this three months later, the ending is so abrupt because I don’t know what life is like after this kind of grief. 

We may have disliked each other, but she was still my older sister. 

This is how I'm able to cope, read it or not. Fanfic has saved my life many times and has helped me deal with losses. 

harry potter was the only thing that got me through that, and that is still getting me through that. 

-Fred admired the fact that you loved Ginny as if she were your own sibling.  

-As far as he knew you were an only child. 

-No matter what, you immediately would drop anything to help Ginny. 

-When Fred and George befriended you their first year, they mentioned they have a little sister so you knew of her existence when she came to Hogwarts (as well as Ron but he’ll get his own chapter). 

-Fred and George introduced you two, the twins would never admit it out loud but they were worried about her. She’s the baby of the family. 

-Pretty soon you two had inside jokes, a secret handshake and were able to communicate just by looks. 

-When Fred was dealing with his feelings for you, Ginny called him out on his shit. “Just ask her out.” 

“Gin, do you really think she’ll feel the same?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny what I know.” Was her only response as she walked away.  

-He confessed later that day. 

-12 year old Ginny was a matchmaker for two clueless sixteen year olds. 

-Fred quickly realized that Ginny looked up to you. 

-It made his heart warm. 

-But then he realized something.

-You and him were getting ready for dinner at your home. 

When he turned to you, “Sweetheart?” 

“Yes?” You turned to Fred. 

“I know I’ve never asked you this. But I just realized, some girls I've dated, they immediately would kind of shun Ginny, why did you take to her so quickly?” 

“You were my best friend, why would I reject your younger sister?”

“Even then, why?” 

You sighed. “I never had a good relationship with my older siblings. Hell, they’re out there right now and I’ve never mentioned them to you.”

“Why?” 

“For a reason.” Was all you said. “They abandoned me. My sister she…” You shook your head. “I was expected to raise her two children whenever I was home at the age of fourteen. Notice how I was always stressed at the end of a school year or going home for a holiday?”

“Yeah.” 

“It was because I was helping take care of her children. My parents also raised them. But for some reason, every time she got addicted to drugs again, that expectation went to me. To be their mother. Nobody wanted her to clean up her act, they assumed that I would be the one to take care of them.” 

“What’d your sister do?” He sat next to you.

“What didn’t she do?” You sighed, setting down the photos your Mum sent. “Addicts, they deserve so much help. But then there's my sister, who goes to rehab even though her plan was to get addicted again because she wants to please her parents rather than actually get clean for her children.” You shook your head, “sorry to get so angry, I just hate the people who give mental illnesses a bad name.” 

He held out his hand, you grasped it. “When my magic developed, it was the same dynamic as Lily Potter and her sister. We were close and then...I had magic. There was a chance I wouldn’t because of the fact that my dads a muggle and my mums a witch. Whereas, my brother and sister are technically my half siblings, so they are muggles. When they learned of the Wizarding World, they were excited. New things, magic, blah, blah.” You swallowed.

“Then when I was ten, my brother got up and walked out of my life, never giving a reason. My sister's addiction was hidden for another four years after that. That’s when the chaos started.” 

He nodded and kissed your cheek. You took a deep breath, “I’m honestly glad you asked, my dad texted me, she’s gonna be there tonight.” 

He swallowed, “we’re a team alright? Give a signal and we’ll leave.” 

“What’s the signal?”

“Uh,” he searched for something. “Say Georgie texted you, that he fucked some shit up I don’t know.” He laughed. 

You laughed, “I will.” He kissed you forehead.

-The dinner did not go well. 

-It ended with a horrible fight between your sister and you. So badly that Fred was worried it was about to turn physical. He sat with your nieces, the three of them watching nervously as the bullets of your words slammed into one another. 

-That’s when your sister said they were leaving, took her kids and left. Your dad was furious at you, blaming you for the fight when it was your sister who threw the first dagger. 

You sighed, and looked at Fred, “forgot to tell you, Georgie texted me earlier.” 

-On the drive home, he held your hand. There was no sound coming from either of you, no music as the car flew to your apartment in Diagon Alley. 

-You both walked in your shared apartment, you walked to the bathroom immediately, he got ready for bed. He was worried. You had never been so silent before. 

-You walked out of the bathroom and joined him on the bed. “I’m sorry.” You whispered. “What for?” 

“For making you endure that stupid fight.” 

“Never apologize for standing your ground.” He kissed your cheek.

“I love you.” You said. 

“I love you too, how about we go to the Burrow tomorrow, have the day with some family and relax. We can head over tomorrow morning.”

“They won't mind?”

“Like our family needs an excuse.” He wrapped you in his arms and you two dozed off. 

-And then while you were at the burrow, you got a text message. 

It was the worst day of your life. 

Call me sweetheart. 

It was your mom, you excused yourself to a greenhouse the Weasleys had added to their house. You called her:

“Mum? What’s up?” 

“She's dead, sweetheart.” 

“What?” Your heart stopped, you knew in your gut who it was. You knew but yet, you still had hope she wasn’t gone. 

Your mother then confirmed your worst fear, that your sister was dead. 

You numbingly agreed to your Mums idea of coming home for a couple weeks. And then said you needed a moment. 

Your Mum agreed. While your sister wasn’t even her child, she felt for you. 

You set your phone down on the glass table and sat down on the wicker couch. 

You held your head in your hands. 

You had a horrible fight with her the night before, she died thinking you hated her. She died thinking there would be no hope for your relationship. 

She died thinking her little sister wanted her gone. 

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. 

Your memories began to play on autopilot, of what she was like before the addiction, of being happy and actually having a relationship with each other. 

Oh god, her kids. 

Before your mind could spiral anymore, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You looked up with tears in your eyes at Fred, who immediately wrapped you in his arms. 

“What is it?” 

“She’s gone.” You whispered. You weren’t sobbing, your tears were a constant river down your cheeks. 

“Who, love?” 

Then you said your sister's name, and he squeezed you tighter. You felt him press kisses to your hair. 

After 30 minutes, his twin came looking. Fred immediately sheltered you away from the eyes of someone else. Fred began whispering to George what had happened. 

Your phone began to buzz with messages, you silenced your phone immediately. 

Fred walked over as George stood in the doorway in complete shock. “Georgies gonna distract the family while you head upstairs. I’ll talk to them.” 

You nodded, he kissed your cheek.

You numbly walked up to Fred and George’s room to hide away from people to deal with your feelings. You crawled into Fred’s bed, enjoying the warmth and the smell of cinnamon that drowned your senses. 

About thirty minutes later, you heard a knock on the door, you did not have the energy to turn around. It opened. 

“Y/N/N?” Ginny's gentle voice whispered the nickname only she could call you. 

“Hey Gin.” You whispered, not turning around. 

You heard the door shut, then you heard her soft footsteps as she walked to the bed. You felt the bed dip as she sat down. “Sister time?” 

You nodded and turned around, she immediately laid down next to you, she pulled a blanket on top of you two. You two were facing each other. 

“Fred told you I assume?” You laughed without any humor behind it. 

She nodded, “they told us all.” 

“How did George distract you?” 

She rolled her eyes, “the idiot ran outside and slipped in mud so we’d all go find him and laugh or help out.” 

Your laugh cracked as it left your mouth. “He looked scared when he found Freddie and I.” 

“We thought you guys were fighting.” She admitted. 

You huffed a laugh through your nose. She asked, “are you okay?”

“I dont know.” You said helplessly. “We didn’t have a good relationship, her and I. I’m more emotionally drained right now. I cried it all out in Fred’s arms earlier. At least she’s not in pain anymore.” You said sadly. “Addiction is a true mental illness, I wish more people cared about these people.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea how to respond to I’m sorries so imagine I'm sending you heart emojis right now.” 

She nodded. “Do you need me to do anything?” 

“No, unless you can respond to my extended family texting me right now with their useless prayers and words.” 

“I can if you want me to.” 

“Oh yeah? What will you say?”

“Stop shoving words down her throat and let the girl breathe.” 

You two giggled, “I have half a mind to let you do that.”

“Say the word and it’s done.”

“I love you, Gin.”

“I love you too.” 

The two of you continued to talk, about your sister and what happened between you two. About a quidditch match, anything. 

The morning of the funeral, Freddie sat down next to you on the twin bed you two had to share at your parents house. 

“What’s on your mind?”

“I think I've figured out the worst part of this situation.” 

“What?” 

“That we’ll never know if it was a suicide or not.” 

He gripped your hand tighter. 

At the funeral, you had Ginny holding one hand, and Fred holding the other. The other Weasley’s were all in attendance, even Percy. Fleur came out with Bill as well as Charlie. 

You didn't realize how concerned every single Weasley sibling was. Percy had never seen you so stoic, Fleur and Bill had never witnessed you be so withdrawn, Hermione and Ron have never seen you so emotionless, so cold to your surroundings. George was concerned for his new sister, Ginny was feeling for you, her best friend. Harry was grieving for you, his older sister figure. 

Fred hated seeing you so unlike yourself. 

Her kids sat with their step-siblings. So you sat with the Weasleys. Molly and Arthur cried, not just for your sister, but they knew you lost a piece of yourself with her that you’d never get back. 

Your father and you had never had a lovey relationship, even with his daughter dead, your guard was so high up you couldn’t bring it down to give an affection to anyone but Freddie. 

Your older sister's funeral was an event that you had not planned for. 

You would now grow older than your older sister. 

-After the funeral you and the girls were in your bedroom. Fred knew you needed some girl time. The boys and parents were downstairs with yours. 

“I don’t know where to go from here.” You admitted. 

They all looked at you in response, you continued. “Even though we didn’t like each other, I always thought she’d be there.” You felt the painful prickle of tears. You sniffed. Ginny reached for your hand. 

With your free hand, you gestured to the bag in the corner. “That’s her bag, I have to go through that. I can’t make my parents do it.” 

“We’re here for you.” Hermione said. 

“I can still feel her, like her ghost is following me everywhere.” You confessed.

“I wish we had another chance at being sisters.” 

The ending is so abrupt because I can’t relive the feelings I had after my sister's death. The last line of this sums it up though.

[bentforkent]

to the moon and to saturn - chapter two

spencer reid x fem!reader

navigation and summary

there is a version of this story featuring my oc sara on my wattpad and ao3!

word count: 3,559

content warnings: alcohol mentions

previous chapter | next chapter 

betty 

spencer has a recurring dream about her. in this dream, it’s y/n’s 18th birthday. his brain doesn’t know what she looks like past age seven, so dream-y/n has her youthful face on an adult body. her eyes crinkle at the edges when she smiles. she’s holding a birthday cake that’s covered in lit candles. there’s no indication that spencer baked the pink, sloppily-frosted cake, but in his dream, he knows he did. 

she holds the cake out towards him. “make a wish, spencer,” she says, her voice sounding far away and warbled. “it’s not my birthday, love,” he insists, swiping some of the frosting and brushing it across her cheek.

she grins and sets the cake down on the round table in front of her. “sure, but i want to share mine with you.” she pulls out a box, gift wrapped in bright yellow paper with a large blue bow on top. he always wakes up before he can ever open it. 

 he gets this dream once a month without fail. it’s pathetic, he thinks. he hasn’t even seen y/n in twenty years. he’s doesn’t even know her, to be frank. and yet he thinks about her constantly. he---and his therapist, of course---chalk this up to the abandonment he felt when she never came back. she didn’t even say goodbye. spencer thinks about this often, wondering if it was his fault. he wonders if any or all of the horrible things he’s been through have been his fault. his sick brain tells him yes, yes they are. 

 often, when spencer thinks of y/n, he imagines her in some incredible life. a spy, maybe. he knows it’s unlikely that she’s a princess or bank robber now, but he doesn’t put it past her. he doesn’t have enough memories of her, so every play-pretend game they played as children supplements what he knows about her, creating at least some whole adult person for him to fantasize about. she’s become almost a fictional character in the movie of his life. he wishes that they weren’t estranged, wishes that he could know the real y/n instead of whatever caricature of her he’s created. even if she actually was a bank robber. he just wants to know.

wait. he just wants to know. 

spencer is lounged on his couch, cardigan long tossed aside, tie long undone. he’s been home from work for a few hours now, an easy paperwork day cutting his day short. he takes half of a second to make his decision, then pulls out his phone.

 ------

“i need you to look someone up for me,” y/n says nonchalantly, flicking through a cheesy magazine. they’re laying on penelope’s bed, tv in the other room playing a rerun episode of “the office” just loud enough for them to hear. penelope has one hand in a bowl of popcorn, and one on her laptop scrolling mindlessly through some geeky website y/n can’t comprehend.

 y/n had seen spencer that evening on her way to penelope’s house. at least she thought she did. y/n was stopped at a red light, staring straight ahead at the crosswalk before her. living in a decently populated city, there were always fun characters crossing the street, and while y/n had once been in awe of the medley of people living in dc, she’d become used to it, and stopped paying attention. at red lights, she usually takes time to relax, letting her eyes glaze over before the switch to green and the restart of traffic. but before she could check out for her 15 seconds of a mental break, she saw a long haired figure hunched over a book, crossing the street directly in front of her car. 

granted, y/n hasn’t seen spencer in twenty years. she has no clue what he looks like nowadays, but everything from his ray bradbury book to his lanky frame to his beat up converse was familiar. her eyes clung to him, desperate to catch a glimpse of his face, but it never came. and y/n felt like she was going crazy. of all the places in the world, there’s no way that spencer reid’s life path had taken him all the way from nevada to the exact same city she lived in. 

but she didn’t have to wonder, or anxiously await the next time she saw the man by chance, because her best friend was a techy genius and no one could hide from her. y/n decided then, at that red light, that she’d ask penelope to find spencer, something she couldn’t even picture herself wanting just thirty seconds earlier.

y/n’s attempt at casually bringing the topic up is futile, because a.) penelope garcia is a very nosy woman, and b.)....penelope garcia is a very nosy woman. in all of the best ways. “who?” she inquires excitedly, halting all motion that could distract her from this very important conversation. 

“it’s kind of a long story,” y/n says, closing her magazine and sitting up. she crosses her legs, a seating pose that indicates that she’s devoting everything to explaining this to penelope. “so, when i was really little, there was this boy…” 

and the suspense is killing penelope. y/n’s launched into this whole story about blanket forts, and being young, and blah blah blah whatever, but she’s not giving up her male protagonist’s name. penelope has her hands poised at her keyboard, ready to give y/n a location, occupation, and criminal record in less than 30 seconds, but she just needs to know his name. y/n talks, and talks, and talks, and penelope, as the good friend and listener she is, doesn’t interrupt once except to ask a question. 

(“so your mom was sleeping with his dad?”

 “yes! my own mother! i know, right?”)

y/n’s oblivious to the fact that penelope is on the edge of her seat, hanging on her every single word, just waiting, waiting, agonizingly waiting for a name. 

“once, i even put jell-o down a girl’s shirt for this kid,” y/n laughs. “it was cherry flavored, i’ll never forget. my first badass moment.” she stops her story with a shared chuckle, and a silence settles over the two women for a moment. 

“so, did you want me to find this prince charming, or…” penelope waggles her fingers over her keyboard as to emphasize her point.

“oh! yeah! his name is-----” 

penelope’s phone rings, and they let out a frustrated groan in unison. y/n flops back into her laying down position, knowing that when penelope’s phone rings, it almost never bodes well for wine nights.

 ----------

“garcia!” spencer greets as soon as she answers.

“as much as i’m excited to hear from my favorite doctor-profiler-boy-genius, i wonder to what do i owe this pleasure?” penelope glances over at y/n, who has already found her way back into her cosmopolitan magazine. 

 “hey, i was wondering if you could look someone up for me. i know technically it’s not ethical but---”

 “do you have a name for me, wonder boy?” penelope asks. she’s not waiting a second longer for him to spill, lest she gets trapped in yet another long-winded backstory. 

 “uh, yeah. y/n y/l/n. she---,” spencer speaks, and is immediately transferred to hold, with a short and excited “wait!” from garcia. sure, she feels bad for cutting him off twice now during the short span of their phone call, but this? this is major. 

 “y/n, tell me his name is spencer reid,” penelope says, voice coming out rushed and full of eagerness. 

 y/n’s eyes go wide. penelope was really good at her job. she got his name just from her little jell-o story? “yeah, it is, pen!” y/n laughs. “what’s he up to these days?”

 penelope covers the receiver of her phone even though spencer was on hold and couldn’t hear her anyways. “he’s on the phone with me! we work together! we’re like, super close! y/n!” penelope is emphasizing her words with crazy hand gestures, the clinking of her bracelets serving as enthusiastic punctuation.

y/n doesn’t really know how to respond to this information. “he’s FBI?” she asks, stupidly. 

“that is so far beyond the point!” penelope exclaims. “he’s the guy i was texting you about earlier today, the one i wanted to set you up with!”

y/n, with a big goofy grin on her face, tosses a piece of popcorn at her head, watching as it gets stuck in one of her ponytails. “take him off of hold, penny!” excitement courses through her veins. she had seen him earlier. what are the odds?

spencer paces anxiously in his apartment. she’d dead. y/n is dead, and garcia’s trying to find the best way to tell him. that’s why she put him on hold, he knows. there’s a crackle in the phone, and garcia’s voice rings through the speaker. “spencer?” she asks, making sure he’s still on the line. there’s giggling on her end, pulling him to the conclusion that whatever garcia was about to say, at least y/n’s not dead.

 “yeah, garcia?” spencer says, too on edge to say more than a few words at a time. 

 “i’ve got probably a million and one things to tell you about a certain y/n y/l/n,” garcia says, voice mischievous. on her end, there’s a squawk of protest followed by some shuffling. 

spencer waits patiently, and then garcia’s voice is back. “i’ve got her right here with me, actually.” 

 spencer, overwhelmed with nerves, hangs up immediately. 

 “he hung up!” penelope screams, and the two women burst into laughter. penelope’s hunched over at her laptop, cackling.

“i can’t believe he hung up,” y/n says through her fit of giggles.

“you have to come to our work get-together this weekend and see him, y/n. spencer’s hosting!” penelope says.

“he clearly doesn’t want to talk to me,” y/n says jokingly, and they laugh again. not at the boy, but at the scenario. “also, no! no ‘get-togethers.’ you know i don’t do parties.”

 ------

 y/n’s on her way to the party. it took all of 15 seconds for penelope to convince her to be her plus-one. all she had to do is say the words “casual” and “wine” and y/n was in. she tried to ignore the fact that it would just be penelope’s coworkers, one of them being her estranged best friend, and her. at spencer’s apartment, nonetheless. it was bound to be awkward, but y/n tried to focus less on that and more on how excited penelope was to introduce her to spencer. re-introduce her, rather. 

 penelope offered to drive y/n to alleviate some of her nerves, and y/n accepted graciously. neither one of them had talked about spencer since the phone call, except for penelope casually mentioning that spencer hadn’t brought up y/n to her at work at all. they’d all spent the week in limbo, then. the drive to spencer’s apartment is generally silent, penelope jumping in with words of affirmation every so often, if not to calm y/n then just to make her laugh. y/n’s leg bounces as she looks out of the window of penelope’s car. 

when they arrive, after penelope’s parked, she turns to y/n. “y/n. you are colorful, beautiful, perfect, and every other nice word i can think of. everything will be fine. but if, by some odd, unpredictable chance, everything is not fine, say the word and we will be out of there faster than you can say ‘penny.’” y/n pulls her into a tight hug, and penelope can feel her heart beating.

“what if he just tells me to, like, fuck off?” y/n murmurs.

“reid would never. he could never,” penelope says. with that reassurance, they get out of her car and head up to the party.

 -------

y/n stares at spencer’s front door as penelope knocks. the paint on it is chipping, she notes. spencer swings open the door and hoots erupt through the apartment. 

“garcia’s here!”

“hey, garcia!”

“babygirl!”

everyone’s calling for her, so she snakes past spencer and into his home with a pat on his chest. he’s stuck in the doorway and y/n’s stuck in the hall. neither of them know what to say to each other, so they’re sticking to intense eye contact and nervous foot shuffling. y/n’s here, at his apartment. he’s shocked. she’s real, she’s here, and here is his apartment.

 “you look the same,” they say at the same time, and then, at the absurdity of the situation, they laugh together. y/n, feeling empowered by the diffusion of the tension, wraps her arms around him in a hug. he’s broad, she notes. he hugs her tightly, holding on a second too long as compensation for the fact that he’d never know when their last hug had been their last. 

 “come in, come in,” spencer says. as he’s ushering her inside, hand against her lower back, he speaks again. y/n’s acutely aware of his coworkers eyes on her, but she’s distracted by his voice. “did you know that we begin to forget childhood memories while we’re in childhood still? younger children remember 60 percent of early life events, and that goes down by 20 percent in just a year or two.” 

 “hmm, so it’s weird that you remember me, then?” y/n teases as he hands her a glass of white wine.

“well, i don’t, really,” he admits, and y/n hums in agreement against the rim of her drink. 

penelope calls y/n over to where she’s sitting and introduces her to the team. y/n takes notes. penelope never really combines her work and her play, telling y/n it’s to keep her safe, so y/n revels in this insight into her best friend’s life.

 jj, the pretty blonde, seems to be the glue of the group, y/n judges. emily’s guarded, but fun, and y/n sees a lot of herself in her. derek is penelope’s favorite, y/n knows, and it’s not hard to figure out why. he’s attractive, but more than that, he’s charismatic and intelligent. y/n can’t get a good read on hotch, but she likes him well enough. rossi’s her favorite, though, his laidback, cool demeanor just mysterious enough to pique her curiosity. y/n greets everyone with a warm hello and a short introduction, and finds her place at penelope’s side.

she’s out of place for sure, but the team tries their hardest to include her. they’ve got great chemistry as a group, and y/n wins their favor when she cracks a dry joke that gets everyone laughing. she can feel spencer’s eyes on her the whole night, but she doesn’t indulge him by looking back. she’s too nervous. he keeps her glass filled all night, a gracious host, and when she thanks him each time he gives her a shaky smile. he’s nervous too, she realizes.

 when people start filtering out, y/n realizes she’d hardly spoken to spencer all night, save for some light small talk with others. she’d really like to get him alone, but she doesn’t want to overstep. spencer looks at her intently when she stands to leave with garcia. he wants to get her alone, but he doesn’t want to overstep. be bold, spencer, he thinks. it’s just y/n. but it’s not just y/n anymore. they aren’t kids anymore, blindly bonded to one another out of convenience. there’s nothing tying them together anymore except for some flimsy memories, and this scares spencer. y/n’s also insanely beautiful. this adds to his nerves. it’s not too often he has a pretty girl in his apartment alone.

 “you can stay longer if you want, y/n. i’ll drive you home,” spencer says, his words surprising even himself. his eyebrows furrow and y/n wants to smooth the crease in his forehead with her thumb. 

“okay,” she says softly, turning to penelope. “i’ll see you tomorrow, pen?” they embrace, and penelope says her bright goodbyes. when she leaves, y/n leans against the closed front door, staring at spencer expectantly. 

“do you want another drink?” he asks her, unsure of what to do with his hands. 

“no, i think i’m sufficiently tipsy-adjacent,” y/n jokes, placing her hands decidedly on spencer’s shoulders. “i think you and i should talk.” 

“yeah,” spencer replies, his amber eyes searching hers. “we can sit outside.” he leads her to his balcony, and takes a seat on his outdoor couch. 

“it looks like it might rain,” y/n says lamely, sitting next to him, close enough for their thighs to touch.

“did you know women are more likely to give a man their phone number on a sunny day rather than a cloudy one? there’s only a 14% success rate when it’s rainy, as opposed to a 22% success rate when the sun’s out.”

“that’s interesting, spencer. were you planning on asking for my number?” y/n asks jokingly. spencer flushes at the question, stammering a defense. “just kidding. you sure do know a lot of stuff, don’t you?”

“sure,” he says with a bite of his lip. “i have three phds. what i don’t know, though, is where you went when you left vegas. or why you left vegas. or…”

“or why i didn’t tell you i was leaving?” y/n finishes for him. he gives a small nod, embarrassed to admit how much it affected him, and y/n frowns. she lays the palm of her hand against his face, rubbing her thumb against his cheekbone. spencer’s taken aback by the affectionate action, but leans into her touch anyways. y/n holds that position for a minute, surveying his features. she’s not ready to tell him the story, honestly. it’s humiliating. save from the fact that her mom essentially ruined his parents’ marriage; she didn’t know the nature of spencer’s relationship with his father now. for all she knows, it’d done a complete 180 in the past 20 years, and she’d ruin everything with her anecdote. no, she couldn’t risk this. spencer looked too pretty under the moonlight, was too nice to her tonight.

“would you be mad if i didn’t want to talk about that yet?” she asks, tracing her finger down the bridge of his nose. spencer feels a little relieved by this. he’s prepared for that conversation to be a heavy one, prepared for her to say she left because of him. because he wasn’t good enough for her. he doesn’t think he can handle that confirmation tonight, so he welcomes the change in subject. 

“can we just...start over?” spencer says.

 y/n nods. “hi, i’m y/n,” she holds her hand out to shake, finally removing it from against his face. spencer takes it with a small smile. 

“i’m spencer,” he replies. they sit in silence for a while, watching the stars. the moment is long, but it feels like they’re suspended in time. like the cars and people underneath them have come to a standstill. spencer reckons y/n’s always had that effect on him, but the hustle of the city disappearing around him makes it much more pronounced.  spencer steals a quick glance at her. she looks so serene. he wonders if she’s thinking as much as he is, or if she’s simply appreciating the city sounds and night air. 

“are you thinking as much as i am?” y/n pipes up, breaking the silence. 

spencer shakes his head incredulously with a chuckle. “you took the words right out of my mouth.” 

y/n turns to face him, pulling her knees to her chest. “tell me a story. like you used to.” when spencer’s gaze meets hers, y/n’s hand moves to tuck a piece of his hair behind his ear, the movement nearly involuntary. there’s a low rumble of thunder, but it sounds far away. 

“okay,” spencer says, neither one of them breaking eye contact. he remembers her eyes being much more vibrant, but he likes the true hue better. and whenever she thought of him, y/n had always imagined glasses, like when he was a child, but being able to see his face clearly is so much better. 

“actually,” y/n starts. she finishes her statement by pressing her lips against spencer’s firmly. he threads his hands through her hair and pulls her closer to him, letting out a soft moan. the kiss is passionate, but not lustful. it’s gentle and full of energy. y/n nips at spencer’s bottom lip. he tastes like sangria. his hand travels to the side of her face, thumb rubbing against her cheek slowly. he kisses her like she's oxygen and he’s never had a breath of fresh air in his life. 

after a minute, y/n pulls away slowly, resting her forehead on his. “okay, now you can tell me a story.” 

spencer presses another chaste kiss to the corner of her mouth. “how do you expect me to remember anything right now?” 

y/n grins, pulling away from their intimate position and turning to face the stars. “i can wait. i’ve got all night.” 

[mjjicons]

apparently i’m an attorney right now

hey guys

this bitch right here

@deborahdeshoftim5779​ i can’t even write her username without copying and pasting it but there we go

she’s trying you guyssss she’s really trying to come for michael

maybe inside her basement......no bathing for days... we know quarantine right.. people get crazy

so here i am responding to the “EVIDENCE THAT MICHAEL JACKSON MOLESTED CHILDREN” because.... i don’t know why tho

but this bitch challenged me and virgos love a challenge

we do love a challenge.. so

RESPONDING TO DEBORAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ABOUT HER BULLSHIT AND MICHAEL JACKSON OBSESSION

Michael Jackson slept in bed with other people’s children. Everyone, including @mjjicons, knows this is inappropriate and unacceptable. The majority of sexual abuse accusations against Michael Jackson have stemmed from the fact that he slept in bed with other people’s children. This is one of the clear reasons why parents do not allow their children to sleep in bed with adult strangers, and @mjjicons knows this very well.

this one is actually so shitty that i can’t even lol i highlighted the most important part on this.. this is actually not true

with a simple google search we can type in like “michael jackson accusations timeline” (i don’t have to do that because i actually know every single one of them but for proof purposes) 

safechuck said he met michael in 1986 in a pepsi commercial set and of course, he said that michael asked him to sleep with him as seen in here:

alright! let’s do some research then

1986... what a year you guys! what a year!

here we have a great year review on the detail. (a youtube channel that i love so so so so so so so so much). and as we all know, 1986 was really important for michael jackson’s career overall, because that was the year when he wrote his (amazing) record called BAD!! kinda reclused. and of course he had the time to be the humanitarian he was:

also i can refute your “evidence number two” that michael only cared about pre-pubescent boys.. here’s our girl donna having a blast with my baby and bubbles.

also, safechuck said that he gave him the thriller jacket in the meeting.......but that’s actually a lie 

because that jacket is with..... lady gaga! because it never was in safechuck’s hands. it was sold for her in a auction.

let’s go forward, shall we?

back to 86. allegations say that michael asked safechuck to sleep with him in the same bed in a trip to hawaii! of course if michael jackson was in hawaii in 1986 we would have some candids.

let’s do our research once again. he was never in hawaii in 86.... 87... no... here we go, 88, with safechuck and his family:

this was in february 1, 1988, at the kahala hilton hotel - hawaii. found it. also, this was the day of “moonwalk - the autobiography” release!

here he is with everyone! and our buddy alan light actually met him at the time:

as alan said, his team was with him too, of course. digging more information we can see it was a business trip and he brought his “friends” with him (fake bitchessss) as always. the first accusations, however, were made to the LAPD in 1993. james was with his whole family in there, fans around, team around, everyone. the only evidence is safechuck’s word, that as we saw before we can’t trust that much. i will explain why in a bit. michael had no time to bullshit in 1988, because this was the year of his american leg of the bad tour, and of course, shooting every single video from the bad era. iconic! he was in japan also in january-february as seen on his year review.

unfortunately i don’t have his hotel files from this time to see how many rooms he booked, but as a fan i can say that when michael did stay in hotels, it was common for him to book the whole hallway. (please read j. randy taraborrelli’s book if interested). same bed huh.......i don’t think so too

michael was diagnosed with vitiligo at the time, and his self-esteem wasn’t 100% (for his whole life actually) so i doubt he would let anyone in his room. also, his addiction to medication was also at the beggining. he was working so much as you can see. wait a minute. i have to eat my breakfast.

back at it.

about sleeping with children in the same bed in other occasions:

with the allegations made firstly in 1993, michael had to explain himself about every situation envolving himself and kids around him. he wasn’t a men of interviews, but on the topic, michael always said he never was alone with little boys in a bedroom. there always was someone when he did watch movies with his friends, including liz taylor, in any room (neverland had a whole movie theater there) and if falling asleep was the case, he mostly laid down on the floor. and he didn’t sleep a lot either. he couldn’t.

about sharing a bed tho, it happened! i’m not saying this never happened, brett barnes said it happened, in opposite sides, no touching. it happened, yes, and this is something not common between you and someone that isn’t your own kid. but it doesn’t mean that michael took off his clothes and had sex with a minor. not only a minor, but small boys. when someone is accused of pedophilia this is obviously a red flag, but those red flags were investigated by the FBI and local police (LAPD). if michael did it with a little boy, his DNA, sperm, skin would be all over them. the abuse would be clear. a kid doesn’t have body structure to handle abuse and heal fast enough. those are little kids. the brain development and body development aren’t enough to hide such a thing. if michael did it, he would be arrested FOR LIFE. oh yes he would. because no one besides his fans were there for him when shit got bad. people wanted his head in a plate with a tomato in his mouth.

on a side note i don’t know why people think michael was someone that always had time to keep little boys around him and sleeping around with them...........he worked his ass off EVERY SINGLE YEAR OF HIS ACTIVE CAREER LIFE. years and years on tour, no privacy, no free time, no real friends, no real family, no one.........

2. The vast majority of “special friends” were pre-pubescent boys, who Jackson dumped once they hit puberty. Joy Robson testified to this in 2005, saying that she told June Chandler this would happen to her son as well. Joy Robson admitted in court that the dumping had a serious mental effect on the boys, as they were no longer the favourite.

this is the biggest lie ever. i can’t even. about “the vast majority of michael’s friends being pre-pubescent boys” i won’t even post pictures of him and little girls because this is actually.........sick.............you are just a google search away... don’t be a lazy bitch.

this dumping thing is so sad to read because it portraits kids as literal objects. and this is actually a lie too. michael mantained contact with people for years, like macaulay, the cascio family (including all the kids), omer, his nephews, tata vega..... so many people, so many children. the female-chandler had jordan and his sister as kids, and in the years that michael related with them he was at family barbecues with the chandlers (and the press even called them his new family) because he was always around EVERYONE. 

the 2005 trial was the only one actually dumped in all of this because there was no evidence against michael. and 2005 is actually a really important year for all of us, because it was the year of the innocent veredict. and wade robson was a witness in this trial. ON MICHAEL’S FAVOUR. if joy robson warned june about this in this trial WHY WOULD HER KID TESTIFY IN A ALLEGED PEDOPHILE’S SIDE?????????? 

this makes no sense. and also, the clownery was way too much. in the book “untouchable” by randall sullivan (i do not know if this is the english title because i am brazilian and here this is the title for the book, i just translated it. but you can find it everywhere) the author describes how the prosecution tried too hard to accuse michael. they were always catching “witnesses” - even a man that said michael molested him in the 80′s, but when asked about the dates, time, what happened, the court found michael wasn’t even in the place the man said he was at the time. but they demanded michael to testify on court anyway - to talk about a child he never met in a day he was at a event - with pictures and shit. a solid alibi. it was ignored. the witch hunt was big and they were ready to put michael in handcuffs WHENEVER THEY COULD. they just needed something. and this something never came.

if you are good enough to get all “your evidence” together, don’t be lazy to check facts. as i said before, it’s a google search away. 

about joy robson, this bitch is bipolar or.. idk. because she was thriving in 2013 liking posts about michael and how good he was.

2013 was also the year wade filled his allegations against michael. because wade realized that michael actually did the wrong to him in 2012. before that, as a grown ass man, in the ‘05 trial, he didn’t. but in 2012 oh boy we are here just realizing things.

in 2009, michael’s passing, the estate released the michael jackson opus, a big book of memories and good stuff. wade was there too and made a beautiful statement, as follows:

“Michael Jackson changed the world and, more personally, my life forever. He is the reason I dance, the reason I make music, and one of the main reasons I believe in the pure goodness of human kind.”

and after that, wade wanted to be on charge of all the tributes related to michael in tv shows and awards. that’s pretty big right......to work in the name of your “abuser”.......

now you answer me: how did joy robson warned june chandler about anything if she, herself, said that wade didn’t show a single sign that he was abused by michael? she even said michael coached him to be “a master of deception” and that “wade should have won an oscar for lying that good for her” on court (2013) and that she was lied to so good that she never believed anything.... but warned chandler’s mom about “dumping”? what dumping?

if wade was dumped and really sad about it.....why would he want to lead shit about michael after he died? if your molester died....you should cheer up....

just a side note: joy said in leaving neverland that when michael died she was so relieved and danced around BUT HOW IF HER SON JUST WROTE A WHOLE LOVE LETTER TO MICHAEL JACKSON IN HIS MEMORIAL

is it crack? is it? what you smoke? following up..

3. Michael Jackson’s “special friends” include: Emmanuel Lewis (Brooke Shields said in 1984 that it looked like the pop star was dating the boy, rather than her), Jonathan Spence (Jackson owned a naked photograph of him), James Safechuck, Brett Barnes (Jackson is on video pretending this boy is his cousin), Macaulay Culkin, Wade Robson, Jordan Chandler, Jason Francia, Arnold Schleiter, Sean Lennon (Mark Ronson said that Jackson watched pornography with both of them in a hotel room), Omer Bhatti (whom Jackson met in a Tunisian hotel, and pretended the boy was his son), David Martinez, Gavin Arvizo, Michael Jacobshagen, and his nephews (whom the police suspected him of molesting, and with whom he took an inappropriate photo shoot for Star Magazine).

“brooke shields said in 1984 that blahblagabal” when where WHERE bitch where

i think people don’t actually answer your allegations because it is so DUMB that no one wants to waste their time with you. like......why am i doing this

i am just on #3 and i’m so tired because THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT IT are you wade robson in a fake account? just take off your mask

just

why

if you have this brooke shields line please show me???? i would like to see it

michael didn’t meet omer in a tunisian hotel, he actually met him because he was in a contest for michael jackson impersonators.......and he loves him, and pia, his mom, is so grateful for everything michael done for their family WHY AM I RESPONDING TO THIS i am so frustrated 

4. Joy Robson also testified in 2005 that Jackson had called her up in the middle of the night in December 1993, asking that Wade Robson be brought to his bedroom. She admitted that she went back home, after leaving her son with Jackson. For context, Jackson was under investigation for child sexual abuse of Jordan Chandler at the time

she actually didn’t because she wasn’t a witness on court at the time. wade was. she wasn’t. as i showed before. next.

actually i’m tired because all of this is so dumb and i am wasting my time........ let’s just jump to the final shit.

We have good reason to believe that Jackson molested other boys not named above. For example, who was the boy whose semi-nude photograph was found inside Jackson’s bedroom in August 1993? 

they never found anything in ‘93 because if they did michael would be arrested...............

Who filed a Restraining Order against Jackson back in the 80′s, and who reported this to the FBI? 

no one filed a restraining order against michael back in 80′s. there is no such evidence. the fbi files are public and you can access them and read everything.

Who were the two Mexican boys that Jackson was accused of molesting back in 1985-1986?

michael didn’t have contact with any mexican people between ‘85 and ‘86 as i said before, in his year review, and in ‘85 he was never seen with any mexican boys because he was working in USA for africa, we are the world and captain EO. nothing michael did was away from the public eye. 

Who were the other boys that slept in Jackson’s bedroom, according to a security guard? Who were the boys/men whose DNA was found in semen stains on Jackson’s mattress in November 2003? Who was the “Rhonda” who sent Jackson a picture book of naked boys, because she said Jackson might like them? What did Norma Staikos know about Jackson’s predilection for pre-pubescent boys? Who was the boy that Darlene Craviotto saw Jackson alone with in 1991 (reported in her book)?

norma staikos was his personal assistant at the time and wade said she knew about “what was going on” and was someone that arranged all the “sexual meetings” as said on court right here, but this meeting mentioned by wade on court was actually arranged BY HIS OWN MOTHER! 

and the book by darlene craviotto never mentioned anything sexual between michael and boys, actually it’s a kind book about how michael helped her with her agoraphobia................

WOW THAT WAS LONG AND I FEEL SO DUMB RIGHT NOW

the rest of your evidence isn’t worth the read or the research because i’m not the one who should be doing this, debora, it should be you. just google it. or show something more credible, maybe actual proof? pictures? videos? audiotapes? where are they?

why am i here tho?

fuck you bitch

[starryevermore]

A Gift For a Gift

I’m sorry this is so long and if you see any grammatical errors, no you don’t <3 lol anyway I just wanted to write something for you since you write so much for us! Thanks so much Kayla, we love you! (I also cannot for the life of me figure out the read more thing, so I am sorry again lol) (Kayla here! I added a read more for you 🥰)

Colby fucking hated Valentine’s Day. For most of his teenage life, if he saw those stupid hearts and those goddamn teddy bears, he was instantly in a worse mood. Most years, it made sense why he hated the holiday. He’d been single a long time, and even when he had a girlfriend, he hadn’t had the money to give his girl a proper date. He always tried, but it never seemed good enough. His mind would always go back to one year in particular where he’d tried to set up a picnic for a girl in the living room of his house. He was 15 so he had no car or money, and it was Kansas, so there was a foot of snow on the ground anyway. He’d gone all out. He asked his mom to bring home some balloons and flowers and all that gross shit just so the aesthetic was perfect. He then tried to actually cook food. Himself. At fifteen years old. For the first time. When he tells this story and says Mama Brock came running with the fire extinguisher, he’s not kidding. His mom made the meal. 

At the cost of his whole day (and nearly his home), his girlfriend came over and laughed. Not in a cute way or in disbelief, but laughed in his face over his efforts. She picked apart every inch of the room he had decorated and told him it was ugly. Apparently he had used the wrong shade of red? He hadn’t realized that it mattered, but “barnyard red” was not right. She said the balloons were tacky and the flowers were meaningless because they weren’t roses. She refused to eat the meal because it was cold (since she’d shown up an hour late), and then broke up with him on the spot. 

So yeah. Colby fucking hated Valentine’s Day most of the time. This year was different, though. He had met the love of his life. He was convinced you were the one he was supposed to be with all this time. He’d waited and it was worth it. And you loved Valentine’s Day. The pinks and reds made you happier than anything else. He’d never seen someone get so giddy over seeing a pink bear with a heart on it’s foot until he’d met her. Every trip to Target was punctuated with a visit to the dreaded candy section. But he saw you smile at every silly pun on the backs of the card boxes. You laughed at the ridiculous couples games. You hugged at least one bear every time and forced it to hug him too. You were happy. This time of year and celebration made you happy. And damn it that was enough to put aside his petty hatred for this capitalist cash-grab of a holiday and come up with the most kickass Valentine’s Day date he ever could. 

He hadn’t realized how hard that would be. He was a hopeless romantic, but he was also hopelessly self-destructive. He would come up with an idea and every scenario started beautifully in his imagination, but every time each scenario ended with something awful. He thought you two could go to the beach, but then he imagined you falling into the water and getting salt in your eyes. Maybe you two could go to the movies, but then you could get stuck in front of two teenagers who weren’t aware that just because a room is dark, the sounds they were making weren’t audible. 

This cycle went on for a long time. It took so long, he actually forgot what day it was. He’d begun planning the second February hit. He checked the calendar and realized he only had a week until The Day. Fuck. Had it really been a week? He felt like his head was swimming. His final brain cell was short circuiting and his head literally had no thoughts left in it, only fuzz. His head hadn’t felt this empty while still spinning since he’d learned about imaginary numbers in Algebra II. And he’d never actually learned imaginary numbers. Sam took that test for him. Suddenly, he had one thought. 

“I gotta ask Sam.”

Sam Golbach, per usual, had about a million suggestions. Colby reasoned that since he’d had more experience having an actual girlfriend on The Day, Sam should have more ideas than himself. The only issue is that the brain cell Colby had frazzled trying to come up with a date was usually shared between him and Sam, so Sam had all of the same ideas Colby did. He suggested the beach and the movie and the dinner and blah blah blah, so Colby was literally at square one. Sam was supposed to fix all of these issues. He had the brain and the longer relationship, so what the fuck? Why had he picked this time to not have any original idea?

“Colby.” Sam shook Colby’s arm.

“Jesus dude, you scared me. What?”

“You’ve been staring at the carpet for like 30 seconds. I know what it looks like when you’re mentally drifting. That’s the only kind you can do, if our video had anything to prove.” Sam smirked, knowing full well that Colby had taken second place in that challenge. 

“Shut up, dude. You had more time driving manual. I just learned there.” Colby knew his defense was weak, but it was a defense nonetheless.

“And you did well.”

“Don’t patronize me. I killed that car like twelve times. It feels like I’m going to end up doing the same with this relationship.” Colby sighed and rubbed his face. He held his hands there, flush against his cheeks. He could feel himself heating up and the cool metal of his rings, one of which you gave him, always helped keep him grounded. Sam grabbed his shoulder and shook him again.

“Would you shut the fuck up?” 

Colby removed his hands from his face, side-eyeing Sam, surprised “What the hell, Sam?” 

“Someone needed to say it. You’re talking yourself down again. Yeah, you killed the car. But you learned. You’ll do the same thing here. If you mess up, who cares? You tried! You need to realize that perfection isn’t attainable, so stop trying to attain it. You don’t have anything to be afraid of. Anything you do will make her happy. Because it’s you. She loves you. Any situation or plan can go wrong. We of all people should fucking know that. But don’t let fear stop you. You never have before. So what is your problem?” Sam asked, softening the harshness of some of his words by rubbing comforting circles into Colby’s shoulder. 

Sam knew Colby. He knew Colby was afraid. He’d been hurt so many times, and sadly many of those times, the hurt was self-inflicted. Colby held himself to an insane standard that he’d never expect anyone else to live up to, but this was Colby and Colby deserved harsh critique apparently. He refused to let his friend scare himself into doing nothing and then letting that nothing ruin what he had going. (Y/N) and Colby were made for each other. Anything Colby did made your heart swell and just knowing he put in effort would be more than enough. But Colby didn’t know that, or rather, refused to acknowledge that. Sam was getting tired of it. 

“You know her. Just do something she’ll like. Not whatever anyone tells you you should do. She loves you” Sam said, squeezing Colby’s shoulder one more time before dropping his hand to the arm of the chair. Colby smiled and looked at him. 

“Thanks Sam. You’re right, once again. I don’t know how you always know what to say. I love you, dude.”

“Hold up, I’m not your valentine. I said she loved you, not me. Save all that mushy shit for her. You’re wasting your soft energy.” Sam laughed, standing to leave.

“Oh shit, you’re right. Us emo boys can only express positive emotions twice a week and I’ve wasted once on you. How could I be so dumb?” Colby shot sardonically back, returning to his computer to look up restaurants. 

Sam laughed again and walked to the door. He went through and closed it behind him, but Colby knew he was still on the other side, hand on the handle. Colby turned just as Sam quickly stuck his back into the room, quickly whispering “I love you too” before slamming the door again and audibly running down the hall to his room. Colby laughed out loud that time. His friend was an idiot, but they’d be so lost without each other. 

Time to plan the date Colby knew you would like, not the date that was in the movies. He still hated Valentine’s Day. 

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Well everything was going to shit, just as Colby had feared. He had been so proud of himself. He thought of an amazing night. First, you two were going to go to your favorite restaurant and have the meal you’d been saying you craved for two weeks. He’d even called the place ahead of time, asking if they could play your song at a certain time, since they had a live band. He may have had to use some of that influencer clout to get that request, but it was okay. Did he feel like an absolute rat that just ran through the New York City sewer system for doing it? Absolutely. Would he ever do it again? If you asked him to, probably. But not for a long time. 

However, what had failed to happen was a valid reservation. It was Valentine’s Day in Los Angeles, after all. There would be no place in the whole city that wasn’t booked to full capacity. Colby knew that. That’s why he made the reservation directly after his talk with Sam. A week ago. The restaurant accidentally double booked your table. And the other couple had come before you two. Directly before you. As in they were the ones in front of you in line. 

“Well, is there anything we can do?” Colby asked

“Not really, the whole place is booked all night. I’m so sorry. You’ll get a full refund?” The hostess looked down and cringed, seemingly preparing for the Karen reaction. You and Colby just looked at each other and looked back at her apologetically. It must be hell to work here on The Day and deal with all of these rich assholes with an elitist complex. Which is exactly what you said to her. She just laughed lightly and brushed it off, but you and Colby saw the look of acknowledgement in her eyes. You both said your thank yous and goodbye while walking towards the main sidewalk where you’d parked. That had gone right, at least. You both were ecstatic that you’d actually found reasonable, legal parking close to the restaurant in downtown LA. That was a feat.  

Or at least, Colby thought the spot was legal. The ticket on his windshield begged to differ.

“What the hell? We were gone for like ten minutes!” Colby exclaimed, annoyed but impressed at the dedication of the PEO in the area. 

You laughed heartily. Colby’s little cloud of poor luck seemingly didn’t take a holiday. Just one of the nuances you loved about him. You’d always have a story. You could see the doubt creeping into his face and you were about to reprimand it, but you faintly heard your favorite song playing in the distance. The band inside had taste! You gasped and smacked his arm, flapping your other hand excitedly.

“Listen!” You said, pulling him back from the car and taking his hands.

Colby looked down and checked his watch.

“7:45. That’s right.” He flicked his eyes up to your face, coughing awkwardly as he rubbed his neck.

“You planned that?” You smiled, taking his hand back again and pulling him a little closer.

“Yeah… I tried anyway. I planned to be able to hear it a little better, but this is a lesson in using Instagram followers for special treatment I guess.” 

You laughed again and wrapped your arms around his waist, pulling him close to you. 

“Well, don’t ever do that again obviously, but let’s dance like we did that one time the bouncer wasn’t convinced we were old enough to get into the club.” He giggled at that, remembering the look of bewilderment you two shared when Sam and Kat walked in with no issue. Of course you’d both forgotten your IDs that night. You decided to dance right outside anyway. 

“Okay, but aren’t I supposed to be the one taking the lead?” 

“Fuck gender roles.” You smiled, pulling him even closer and tucking your head beneath his chin, swaying him to the song playing from inside. He laughed again and let you move him around. He wasn’t good at dancing on his own anyway, so maybe you leading was the better decision. He was just letting things happen, slowly allowing himself to just let go and enjoy dancing with you. He felt silly and like he’d failed already, but he was keeping it together. There was still more planned. Where he couldn’t keep his poker face was when you -attempted- to spin him but actually just smacked his face with his own arm. You both giggled lightly and you decided to seal the deal with a sorry attempt at a dip. You forgot that he was taller than you, so gravity decided to join the forces against you two that night. Thankfully you were both near the car still, because Colby was able to keep both of you from the pavement by hitting his back against the door and grabbing onto the handle. You both were laughing hysterically at this point, unable to really form coherent sentences. 

“Just get in the car,” You got out eventually, wiping the tears from your eyes. “And never tell anyone.”

“I don’t plan on it.” Colby said, opening the door for you.

“This is one of the chivalrous acts that I will accept, so don’t ever stop doing that.” You joked, kissing his cheek lightly as you got in.

“Note taken.” Colby laughed, closing the door behind you.

“So Romeo, now that the masquerade is bust, where are we headed?” You asked once he got in and started driving.

“I know that was supposed to be a reference, but I haven’t thought about that play since I was twelve,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “Anyway, we’re going somewhere I think of when I think of you.”

You smiled softly at him with that. This boy was a big ol’ softie and he really pretends he’s not. You never bought it. He was incredibly sentimental and sweet, so you knew that wherever you all were going was going to mean a lot to him. Therefore, it would mean a lot to you too. 

You were driving for a long time. You were no longer anywhere close to downtown and you couldn’t help but ask a million questions. Where are we going? Are we there yet? Why are we going here? Where are we going?

“You’ve already asked that.” Colby smiled, endeared by your only-child behavior but slightly annoyed nonetheless. 

“You got me there, Brock. But where are we going?” Colby groaned, leaning forward into the wheel. He reached to his phone and handed it to you with the Aux cord. 

“Please, pick something and stop asking!” 

You smirked and went to his music. Usually, you would go straight to the songs you wanted, but you were being nosy. You decided to go to his playlists and see what he had saved. You were scrolling past the expected “editing” list or the “late night” playlists, but stopped when you saw it. The most recently added list was one simply titled, “Her” with a small heart next to it, the black one of course. You cocked your eyebrow and clicked it. You started looking through the songs and saw all of the songs you’ve recommended to him over your relationship, along with some outliers. You glanced over at him, seeing if he was paying attention. 

He wasn’t. His brain was going at a million miles an hour. He felt like a comeplete fuck up. How was he the one table that was double booked? How had they managed to hit intense traffic at eight and made this drive take half an hour? How were you not bored out of your mind? There’s no way you were having any fun. He continued to stew in these intense thoughts when he’s snapped back to reality by the opening chords of Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

Shit. She found it. He thought. He risked a glance at you, blushing bright red. Please don’t…

You were smiling widely at him. “You have a playlist for me?” 

“Oh god.”

The rest of the drive flew by, you two screaming lyrics at the top of your lungs once Colby’s embarrassment faded. It reminded you of the first time you had hung out, just you two. You’d discovered a mutual love for early 2000’s emo music, so you two screamed your voices away to the sweet dynamics of My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy until two that morning. You smiled quietly, remembering the fun of that day. You knew this was one special dumbass that day, especially after figuring out he had misheard “down in an earlier round” from Sugar, We’re Going Down as “down on a merry-go-round” for literal years. You had scream-laughed at that and corrected him, laughing even harder as the realization spread across his face. 

“Holy shit.” He’d whispered. “It’s been years…” 

“Hey, we’re here.” Colby startled you out of your daydream. You smiled at him as he climbed out of the car and sprinted to open your door. You laughed, remembering your comments at the restaurant. He opened the door and let you out, beginning the walk towards the location. You recognized this location. It was the neighborhood of the chandelier tree from one of his earliest vlogs. You had seen it and begged for him to take you there. It seemed so cute. You smiled widely at him, placing your hand in his. You swung his hand lightly as you walked, knowing it drove him crazy.

“Would you stop that?” he playfully asked, feigning annoyance. You responded by swinging his arm as far back as you could, saying,

“Careful Brock. Watch the tone or I’ll try and dip you again.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about that?” He asked cheekily, taking the piss. 

You laughed again and smacked his arm as you turned the corner to the tree. Or the location of the tree, as there were no chandeliers. 

“What?” Colby asked, mostly to himself. You both looked at each other, confused. You got closer, deciding to let go of each other’s hands as Colby went ahead, trying to see if it was just around another corner or if he was on the wrong block. You pulled out your phone and asked Google.

“Oh, baby. They took this down last month!” You frowned, calling out to him.

“Seriously?” Colby asked, clearly disappointed. Another fuck up. He hadn’t even thought to look up if it was still here or not “Shit.”

You could see the wheels in his head turning, trying to figure out what to say. You were about to reassure him when he lights up, turning to you and exclaiming,

“The park! That pretty lookout Sam and I used to go to all the time! It’s like ten minutes from here, we could go there. I’m sure it’s awesome right now.”

You smiled and were nodding in agreement when a loud bang made the two of you jump ten feet. You looked quizzically at each other when your mutual question was answered by a sudden downpour of rain and flash of lightning. A thunderstorm, of fucking course. Colby removed his jacket, holding it above your head as you both made a break for the car. 

After your dead sprint, you both sat in your seat, heaving breaths and looking out in pure wonder. You looked over to Colby, ready to laugh at the absurdity of the whole night when you saw him slumped forward on the wheel, refusing to look at you, shoulders shaking slightly. 

“Colby, baby, are you okay?” you asked lightly, grabbing his arm. He turned even farther away, opting to lean his head against his window to cool his heating face. He refused to let you see the single tear that was leaving his eye. 

“I’m sorry.” was all he muttered.

You were shocked. “Baby, you don’t control the weather. If you did, I’d be pissed you haven’t fixed global warming yet.” You attempted to joke. He didn’t laugh.

“I failed again. I just wanted to make something special for you. I know you love Valentine’s Day and it means a lot to you. I hate this fucking holiday but I wanted to make you happy. But I fucked it up. Just like I do everything. I mean, it’s raining! In L.A.! What the fuck! There’s nowhere open that’s not booked and it’s already nine and I haven’t even gotten you food and you probably have never had a worse valentine’s-” he tried to rant, but you covered his mouth with your hand. His eyes darted to you, surprised. 

You were beyond hurt. You couldn’t believe he didn’t see how much fun you were having or how much pressure he’d put on himself to make everything perfect. You should’ve guessed as much. You reached your other hand around the back of his neck, moving the one from his mouth to his cheek, kissing him. 

“Would you shut the fuck up?” you said, pulling back. He barked a short laugh out, surprised.

“You know, you’re not the first one to tell me that about this whole thing.”

“You talked to Sam about this date?”

“How’d you know?” He looked at you again, fully flabbergasted. You laughed.

“Do you talk to anyone else about stuff important to you?” He shrugged, clearly thinking it through. 

“Other than you, no, not really.”

“Anyway, he’s right. I don’t care that stuff didn’t work out. You put more thought into this night than anyone else has ever put into any date I’ve ever been on. You poured your heart into it. You thought every little thing through. You tried. And even when things didn’t work out, we had fun. We reminisced on our relationship so far. We danced, screamed songs, and ran through the rain. You tried to give me a super involved date. You gave me a damn movie instead.” 

Colby scoffed at the irony in that. He did exactly what he was trying not to do. Fairly typical. You swiped your thumb across his cheek, getting his attention again.

“You’re drifting, stay with me.” Colby laughed and rolled his eyes. You stilled your thumb, confused.

“You and Sam are literally on the same wavelength.” 

“Or we are the ones who know you best. I think I’ve got him beat on the loving you, though,” you paused. “Maybe.” 

You both chuckled again.

“But seriously, Colbs, if you’re here, I’m happy. You make anything fun. That’s why I’m in love with you. I know you think about everything and try your fucking hardest. You are the sweetest man I know. That’s why I picked you. Remember, I had a line of suitors waiting,” you winked, knowing Colby knew that all too well.

“God, don’t remind me.” He groaned. He leaned his cheek into your hand, allowing you to hold him. That’s how you knew he loved you. He let his guard down and let you love him. He doesn’t do that for many, and you knew that. You loved that he let you in. He lightly kissed the hand that was still caressing his cheek, smiling when you pulled him close again. You two stayed like that for a while, kissing softly while the rain pattered against your windows. It really was like a movie. The gray, swirling clouds and soft wisps of the wind lulled you both into a serene sense of young love. You belong here. This was you two. Shit was going to go wrong. And you were going to love each other through it. That’s what made you two special. You don’t want perfection. You want each other. 

“So,” Colby said softly as he pulled back. “How’s about we pick up some In-And-Out and binge watch Attack on Titan in the big theatre?” You smiled again, squeezing the back of his neck one more time.

“Fuck yeah.”

So, that’s what you all did. And it was the best night ever, just you two being goofy and in love. And okay, Colby may be coming around to Valentine’s Day. Or maybe it’s just you. He thinks it’s just you. Either way, he can’t wait to spend the rest of them just like this.

[misssunflowersandsangria]

Please Have Snow and Mistletoe

Hello my Reindears!  Please indulge me, this idea for a Christmas/Holiday story came out of nowhere lol.  Don’t take it too seriously it’s choc-full of clichés and holiday fluff.    Still, I hope that you enjoy the fantasy and fun of it all!

Summary: Temari was hoping to be home for the holidays.  A winter storm grounded her plans but along with it brought a handsome man with a proposition for her. 

*

**

Chapter 1: Flight 4XMAS

“How can there be no flights available?” Temari demanded trying to keep her frustration in check. She knew that it wasn’t the girl’s fault but her anger needed to go somewhere. 

“I’m sorry ma'am but the weather conditions are so severe that flights are grounded till the storm passes. You are welcome to check in the next few days to see when flights will resume.” 

Temari sighed but nodded her head. “Okay, thank you.” 

Visiting her family for the holidays was the bright spot in an otherwise bleak year.  Temari had moved away from home and it had been months since she’d seen her family.   She had wanted to surprise them by arriving early but the storm had delayed her grand plans. Still, as long as she’d be able to make it home she’d be thankful. 

“Excuse me.”

Her teal eyes met the deep brown orbs of a handsome man. His long dark hair was pulled back and away from his face. The expensive black sweater framed his lean muscles perfectly.

“Yes?”

“I overheard your conversation and I think that I can help.” She peered at him curiously. How could he possibly help her? 

“I can get you home for Christmas. I’ll just require your help for a few days.”

“Doing what?”  She asked carefully, he didn’t come off as a creep but it was hard to tell these days. 

He chose his next words carefully.  “An acting job if you will. I’d need you to pose as my girlfriend for my family.”

Temari’s eyes widened in confusion. “What?”

“I know, it’s ridiculous but my mother is expecting me to bring someone home.  I was supposed to be home a few weeks ago, I lied.  I told her that I couldn’t leave earlier because of my girlfriend’s work schedule and promised that she’d be coming for Christmas.” 

Shikamaru didn’t blame the utter confusion and disbelief on the poor woman’s face. He knew how crazy it all sounded but his mother was a force to be reckoned with. He didn’t want to think about what she would do if she found out he lied.

Words failed Temari.  This had to be a joke right? She was about to ask that very question aloud but his eyes were serious and sure. 

“So I help you out by pretending to be your happy loving girlfriend for three days and you make sure that I can get home for Christmas.” 

He nodded and she felt herself agree. She could try to wait it out but there was no guarantee that in the next few days she’d even be able to get a flight.  This was her best shot.

“I’m Shikamaru by the way.” The name sounded so familiar but she could quite place it.

“Temari.” 

*

**

“How can you expect me to remember all of these names?”  Temari groaned, taking another sip of her drink. At least the jet had a great assortment of liquor. 

“Temari, you’ll be fine. They’ll be more interested in you anyway. We just have to get our story straight.” 

She shrugged her shoulders.  “That’s easy, we use what happened today. We met in an airport blah blah blah.  It’s not a total lie.”

He considered the idea carefully.  It was better than making up an elaborate story.  “That could work.”

She could see the tense look across his face. It was sweet if she thought about it. His family meant the world to him and this elaborate scheme all so that he didn’t disappoint them. In exchange, she got to fly on private jets and enjoy holiday traditions with a rich handsome stranger. 

He’d walked her through all the people that she’d been meeting and all the various family events. It would be a busy few days but nothing she couldn‘t handle. 

“Your family loves the Holidays.”

Her assessment was correct.  “Naras are very serious about their traditions.” 

Temari’s eyes shot wide open. “You’re Nara Shikamaru?” 

“Yup.”

The Naras were one of the wealthiest families in Japan. There was little known about their son other than that he’d amassed an incredible amount of wealth on his own. That explained the private jet. 

“Seriously? You could have easily picked up some celebrity to play your girlfriend. Why pick out some random girl at the airport?” 

He shrugged unaffected by her shock. “I don’t know, I just had a good feeling when I saw you.”  Temari couldn’t help the blush that crossed her face at the idea he saw something special in her. 

Shikamaru glanced at her from the side. Temari wasn’t what he’d expected but he was pleasantly surprised. She was witty, interesting, and even now despite learning his lineage didn’t seem intimidated by him. All of this on top of being gorgeous.  He knew that this was a risky move. Temari could easily take this information and out him to his family or worse the media but she didn’t seem like the type. 

He glanced down at his phone seeing a message from his mother and groaned. 

“My mom wants a picture to be sure that we’re on our way.”  Nothing got past that woman.  Temari nodded and took a seat by his side and his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Her face flushed at how close they were but smiled for the photo. She couldn’t help but think that they did make an attractive couple. 

“You really think we can pull this off?”

“I have no doubts.”  He told her reassuringly and it was hard not to believe that they could. She rested her head against his shoulder the stress of the day getting to her.  

“Alright Shikamaru, I trust you.”

Shikamaru sat there while she slept thinking about just what he had gotten them both into.  He was usually so specific and detailed in his plans.  In this case, they were working off a wish and a prayer.  Still, part of him knew that this would work.  That they could convince everyone and once it was all said and done, well he wasn’t sure.

When they finally landed they drove past the city.  They arrived at a quiet and dense forested area dotted with large family homes.  His home was the grandest of them all.  It was a large stately mansion with numerous Christmas lights that gave it a warm glow.  It was something straight from a fairy tale. Temari could make out a couple standing at the front waiting for them. 

“Ready for this?”  Shikamaru asked, placing a gentle hand on hers. 

“It's a little too late to be asking that now.”  She frowned beginning to second guess her decision to help.  

“Don’t worry Temari, they’ll love you.”

She was barely out of the car before she was swallowed up into a hug.

“Temari, my dear it is so wonderful to meet you.”  She met warm brown eyes so similar to Shikmaru’s and returned the affectionate hug. 

Yoshino was absolutely overjoyed at her son being home but especially because he’d been accompanied by Temari.  She had been worried that her son would simply work himself into the grave, never experiencing all the joys that made life worth living.  She prayed that perhaps this relationship, that Temari might be the one to change it all.

“Mrs. Nara it is a pleasure to finally meet you.”

Yoshino linked her arm with hers.  “None of those formalities. You’re practically family.  Call me mom.  You are absolutely gorgeous dear.  I can’t understand why our son would keep you hidden away from us so long.”

She barely had a moment to greet Shikamaru’s father who he was a splitting image of before she was swept inside. 

It was a blur of faces and names once inside the home.  His mother and father were there of course along with his extended family.  They joked that they needed to see her for themselves. 

Temari was thankful that Shikamaru had given her a rundown on the plane of the people that she’d be meeting. They were all welcoming and shared the same sentiment.  That it was about time that he’d brought someone home and how he could have kept their relationship a secret for so long. 

She’d been nervous and worried for the entire experience but as the night wore on the conversation flowed and the laughter came easily.  His family was far too kind and inviting and they were more than happy to welcome her into the fold. The night turned into the early morning hours and even then she could have stayed up with them.  

“Okay kids time for bed. We’ll have more time together tomorrow. Temari please let Shikamaru know if you need anything.” 

“Thank you...mom.”

Yoshino’s smile was bright and beaming and she couldn’t help but draw Temari into a tight hug.

“I’m so happy that you are here.” 

“We’ll continue our Shogi game tomorrow Temari.  You can ask Shikamaru for some tips.” Shikaku told her with a smile. “Good night kids.”

They were put into Shikamaru’s old room. His awards and old photos lined the walls.

“And who is this?”  She grinned holding up a worn stuffed deer. 

“Careful with that, he’s an antique.  I can sleep on the floor, and you’ll take the bed.”  It would have been strange to ask for separate rooms.

Temari rolled her eyes.  “Shikamaru please, we’re adults. If you promise not to grope me while we can sleep in the same bed.  Besides your mother seems like the type to just barge in here.  It will be hard to explain why you’re on the floor.” 

“Okay, you’re right. Feel free to use this bathroom. I'll go to the one down the hall.” She nodded watching him leave. 

Temari slowly unpacked her luggage and finally had time to reflect on the last few hours. Shikamaru was something else entirely. A genius, mogul, and devoted son.  His family had been so sweet to her that it wasn’t hard to love them.   If she wasn’t careful she’d get caught up and forget that this was all just an act, a lie.  Whoever did manage to capture his heart one day would be so lucky.  

Temari was already snuggled under the covers when he returned and she couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the reindeer pajamas. 

“Laugh all you want but I guarantee that she will have a set ready for you tomorrow.”  

“I look forward to it.”  He shook his head and got settled into bed.

They both naturally turned to their sides to face the other. His eyes were soft as they gazed at her.  

“Thanks again Temari.”

She smiled at the appreciation.  “I’m enjoying myself Shikamaru, your family is wonderful.”

“Thank you.  They really like you.”  

“Really?”  She didn’t realize how much she hoped that they did. 

“I haven’t been around too much the last few years, my own fault.  Seeing my mom smile so much well it means a lot.  It’s hard to get my parents a present as you can imagine.”  His hand casually pushed a lock of hair behind her ear.  

“Bringing you home is the best gift I could have given them.”  

Temari was floored by the compliment. Maybe, just for a little, it wouldn't hurt to get caught up. She leaned into his warm hand.  

“I’m glad that I could help then.  Good night Shikamaru.”

“Good night Tem.”

*

**

When Shikamaru woke up the following morning he felt an unknown weight on his chest.  He grinned seeing Temari’s hair sprawled across his chest his stuffed deer held between them.  At some point during the night he must have pulled her in and she hadn’t let go. 

His hand gently brushed over the top of her head. The quiet of the early morning and warmth of Temari against him created a kind of peace within him. He’d dedicated the greater part of his adult years chasing accolades and accomplishments.  Never stopping to pursue things like love and relationships.  And he was content.  It was enough.  Now, even after just a day with her and his family, it created a strange emptiness in his chest.  Seeing her cook with his mother, and learn how to play Shogi from his father were images he never wanted to forget. Scenes he wanted to view again.  

He had just a few days and maybe in that time, he’d know just what he wanted for Christmas. 

*

**

Okay my loves, the game is how many Christmas cliches can we fit in one story haha.  This is going to go fast.  Then I promise I’ll work on Stalemate and Yamanaka week.  No smut in this one, you can read Stalemate or my Lemonade series for that.  This is just going to be sweet and fluffy.  Love you my dear readers!  Thank you!

[artificialqueens]

Tree House Kisses, Chapter 40 (Adorney) - Scorpio and Veronica

A/N: Click here for previous chapters here on AQ or here if you’d rather read on AO3. xoxo!

Thank you so so much to @saiphl and @sillylittlecandycane for beta-reading!!

Chapter Summary: Courtney does her best to support Adore’s new relationship, even as Tati comes to a disappointing realization.

Chapter 40: Don’t Cry Out Loud

“Omigod, your dorm room is so cute!” Courtney squealed, and Roy hid a smile, settling down on the bed. Of course Courtney would find the stark white, institutional shared room which was barely bigger than a prison cell just adorable.

He lounged on the bed, wordlessly stretching his arms out, grin deepening when she immediately climbed up to settle into his embrace, sighing softly. He kissed her hair, breathing in the familiar scent of her, wondering why it felt like a million years had passed since they last saw each other. He wanted to go back home for their anniversary a few weeks ago, but midterms had been kicking his ass and he just couldn’t take the time away. Courtney seemed fine about it, even telling him not to worry when he’d promised to make it up to her, but he was aware that she might be harboring some resentment.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he murmured. “I’m so, so sorry I had to cancel the last-”

She silenced him with a kiss, passionate and deep, her fingers digging into his shoulders telling him that all was forgiven, that she still loved him, that they were good.

“I missed you, too…” Her arms tightened around him. “Anyway, Happy Belated Anniversary…”

“Two years,” he said, kissing her lightly. “It’s been pretty good, huh?”

“The best.”

It was a few minutes before he felt any need to speak again, content to hold her close, occasionally seeking out her lips for soft, messy kisses. He tried to keep himself from getting too excited, since he was aware that his roommate could easily burst in at any moment. (Joe had promised to sleep elsewhere, but it was only 5 pm, so he didn’t think that deal had begun just yet.)

Soon though, Courtney had rolled over on top of him, body warm and pliant, kisses growing more and more heated. When her hands drifted down to his fly, tugging at the button, he regretfully stopped her, breathing hard.

“We should, uh...wait a little bit. Just until I know we can have some real privacy.”

“Okay,” she agreed, sitting up, running a hand through her hair. She tossed him a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he assured her, kissing her hand. “I’m just trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing situation.”

“Mmhmm…”

As he sat up, leaning against the wall, she moved towards him and rested her head on his shoulder.

“So...I’ve told you all about my classes and stuff. What’s new back home? Anything interesting?”

“Uhh...I dunno. Murial’s still a pain in the ass, my mom has a new boyfriend, same old shit.”

Roy laughed. “Is he as weird as the last one?”

“Thankfully no. But...well, he’s almost suspiciously normal.”

“Keep your door locked at night,” Roy joked.

“Yuck.” Courtney hit him on the arm, shaking her head.

“How are the neighborhood kids? I haven’t talked to Bob in weeks, is he good?”

“Yeah, I think so. I haven’t seen him that much outside of class. I’ve been hanging out with Adore’s friends most of the time.”

“Oh yeah? Is Violet behaving?” He raised a curious eyebrow at her.

“Shockingly, yes. And Adore has a new girlfriend,” she added, almost as an afterthought.

“Oh...” Roy paused, unsure how he was supposed to react to this news. Somehow, he didn’t think that jubilation was called for. “Anyone I know?”

“No, she’s a new girl. Tatianna. She’s cool, and like...so pretty.”

“Well...good for Adore.”

“Yeah, it’s really good!” Courtney said. “They have so much in common. Tati plays bass, and they’re into the same music, and like...they fit really well together, you know?”

“Uh huh.” An unsettled feeling began to creep into Roy’s chest. That old, nagging feeling that he could never get rid of when it came to Courtney and her best friend.

“I’m like, so, so happy for her,” Courtney continued. “It’s been awhile since she’s dated anyone, and like...it’s really great to see her happy. I really think that this one will last. At least, I hope. It’s only been a few weeks, I guess. Less than a month. Right now they’re all giddy, in that like, honeymoon stage. You know? It’s really cute.”

“So...I mean, are you two still hanging out, or is she kinda occupied?” Roy asked slowly. He knew how much Courtney had suffered last year, how miserable she’d been without Adore, and he had no desire for her to relive that.

“We’re hanging out a lot! Yeah, it’s funny, it’s kind of been a lot of the three of us. Which is cool because I’m getting to know Tati too. I think you’d like her, she’s really sweet and funny and had this kind of sarcasm that catches you totally off guard. She’s great.”

“Um...yeah, great.”

Roy cleared his throat, swinging his legs off the side of the bed, suddenly itching for a change of topic, a change of scenery. He reached out a hand to Courtney.

“Do you wanna go for a walk? I can show you the campus and then we can come back and change for dinner. I think you’re gonna really like the restaurant I found.”

“Sounds perfect,” Courtney beamed at him with that smile, the one that never failed to melt his heart, twist up his insides, make him believe, if only for a second, that life was truly good. He grinned back, dimples deep in his cheeks, pulling her in for a tight embrace.

He was able to convince himself, that night, that everything was fine. The distance he felt was just a normal part of living apart. That this awkward year was just a necessary thing for them to get through before they could be together for real, like adults.

Roy wasn’t naive, he knew that people grew apart and that nothing was guaranteed--but there wasn’t a single version of his future that he could fathom without her in it. So the next day as they said goodbye, once again, the promise of being reunited soon over Thanksgiving kept it from being too bittersweet. Courtney certainly seemed unconcerned, hugging him tightly and whispering “I love you” into his neck.

He breathed her in once more, the feel of her post-shower hair damp against his cheek. He wished that she could stay longer, but she had what was sure to be a long drive ahead of her, and he had a paper to write.

“Call me when you get home…”

“I will.” She smiled up at him, began to unwind her arms from his waist, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Don’t look so sad. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

Before she got too far away, though, Roy pulled her back one last time, holding her against his chest again, unwilling to let go just yet. “Five more seconds…”

Courtney giggled, hugging him back, whispering, “Take as many as you need…”

-

Adore was cute. She was really cute. And fun, and chill, and everything Tati felt like she needed after the trauma of a cross-country move.

There was just one problem. Well, maybe not a problem. A concern. Something that, at first she’d brushed off as paranoia, but the more she got to know Adore and her friends, the more it bugged her. It didn’t seem to matter that they’d been best friends for years, or that Courtney had a boyfriend (albeit one whom Tati had never seen in the flesh). Something about it was just...uncomfortable.

Tonight though, she decided to put it out of her mind. At Adore’s suggestion, they were having a chill movie night. They’d just received a bountiful order from the delivery guy--two stuffed-crust pizzas, wings, garlic knots, and whatever else they felt compelled to order after smoking in the tree house.

Tati set all the food out on the coffee table while Adore shuffled through her DVD collection.

“I promise, you’re gonna love it,” Adore said, punctuating her statement with a wink in Tati’s direction.

“I trust your taste,” Tati said, settling onto the sofa with a sigh.

Adore found the DVD she wanted and began to load it in when a familiar voice sounded from the doorway.

“Hi guys! What’s up?”

Courtney.

Tati felt bad, for thinking of her as a problem. She was a perfectly nice girl, friendly and fun and charming--but she was also always there. It seemed like she and Adore barely ever spent time together without Courtney being involved in some way. And it wouldn’t bother Tati so much, except that there was this weird energy between them, something all their other friends had just decided to ignore, apparently.

Or maybe Tati was just paranoid, overly judgmental? She bit her lip, guilt once again washing over her, that she covered with a friendly wave and a bright, “Hey Court!”

Adore looked up, slightly puzzled.

“Hi babe...I thought you were doing your whole...anniversary extravaganza thing with Roy.”

“Oh yeah, I was! It was so amazing, he’d planned this perfect romantic night, totally overboard just like always, and then brunch today.” Courtney giggled, and Tati didn’t miss the wistful expression that flickered across Adore’s face. “Anyway, I just got back, traffic was a nightmare, it took me 4 hours, blah blah blah. What are you guys up to?”

“Movie night.”

“Awesome, what are you watching?”

“Tati’s never seen The Craft. So..”

“Omigod, really?” Courtney flopped down onto the sofa. “You’re gonna love it, it’s so good. What kind of pizza is this?”

“Uhh, we have one pepperoni, and one mushroom…” Adore caught Tati’s eye, responding to the incredulous look on her face with an apologetic little shrug, pressing play on the DVD player and standing up to join them on the sofa. So, it seemed pretty clear that she wasn’t going to tell Courtney that this was a date night.

“Ughh, I love you! Thanks for getting one without meat.”

“Thank Tati, I hate mushrooms,” Adore laughed, sitting down between them.

“Tati, I love you. You’re beautiful.” Courtney leaned over Adore to blow a kiss at Tati, who caught it half-heartedly.

Tati couldn’t concentrate on the movie. Her whole attention was focused on Courtney and Adore, and their every giggly, weirdly flirtatious interaction.

She was definitely, definitely not being paranoid. As she inched herself further and further away, scrunching against the arm of the sofa, Courtney seemed to be doing the opposite. It began with her feet in Adore’s lap, then shifted to a head on her shoulder, then finally she settled into her most comfortable position: curled up with her head resting on the pillow in Adore’s lap.

Adore didn’t seem to mind one bit, either, or notice that anything was amiss. She and Courtney spent the whole movie giggling and reciting their favorite lines along with the characters, and eventually, her fingers began to drift absentmindedly through Courtney’s blonde hair.

After what felt like seven excruciating hours, the credits finally began to roll.

Courtney sat up, bright-eyed, stretching.

“God that movie is so good!” she said, then added in a deep voice, “You girls watch out for those weirdos.”

Adore laughed uproariously, replying with, “We are the weirdos, mister!”

“So uh...I guess you guys probably like...want some alone time now, huh?” Courtney asked.

It took all of Tati’s self control not to roll her eyes. But the truth was, she couldn’t even be annoyed at Courtney. Adore was the one who should have told her to leave.

“Do you mind?” Adore asked, and Courtney stood up, giving her a suggestive wink.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she said, kissing Adore on the top of the head and then moving to Tati, giving her a hug.

“I don’t think that works here, babe,” Adore said, laughing.

“Okay well then…” A cheeky grin pulled at Courtney’s lips and she said, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do after like 4 shots.” She punctuated that statement by licking her lips suggestively.

Adore giggled again, shaking her head and saying, “Get out of here, idiot!”

“Nighty-night, kids!” Courtney called, heading for the back door.

Tati swallowed. She knew that Adore would probably want to mess around now, but she didn’t have the energy to fake it. Nina was right. Jumping into this way too fast was a mistake. She needed friends, or the year would just be a total misery, and she was super grateful to have found their group. But if she got in any deeper with Adore, there was a chance she’d jeopardize that. So she stood up, picking her bag off the ground, and said, “I should probably take off, too.”

“What? Why?” Adore looked confused.

“Uh...you know, it’s getting late, so…” Tati began to put on her jacket, and Adore jumped up to grab the sleeve.

“I thought you were staying over. My mom’s at work…”

“Well…” Tati hesitated, knowing that she had to handle this delicately, or risk losing all of her new friends.

“What’s wrong?” Adore asked, biting her lip.

“I just...I had a different idea of how tonight would go,” Tati finally explained.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry about that, she’s not always great at reading the room,” Adore said, unable to keep the affectionate chuckle out of her voice.  

“It’s not her.”

“It’s not?” Adore’s brow furrowed deeper.

“I mean...it’s just the way you are with her, the way you look at her. And why didn’t you just tell her to leave?”

The red began to creep into Adore’s cheeks. “I guess I didn’t think I...should.”

“Right.” Tati finished putting on her jacket and slung her bag over her shoulder.  

“Wait, Tati. You don’t understand.” Adore’s hazel eyes were glassy, her voice desperate as she clung to Tati’s sleeve. “It’s really complicated, with her.”

Of course Tati understood. Inappropriate, uncomfortable crushes were practically a right of passage for teenage lesbians. Hers was a friend from camp, a girl who still made her heart ache every time she thought about her.

“Yeah, no, I do get it. Actually.” Tati took Adore’s hand and squeezed it. “I guess I just didn’t realize how complicated until tonight.”

“Please don’t go,” Adore begged, still gripping her sleeve.

Tati leaned forward and kissed her gently on the cheek.

“You’re beautiful, you know that? But, it just seems like you guys have a whole--”

Tears began to slip down Adore’s cheeks and Tati stopped abruptly.

“Fuck,” Adore whispered hoarsely.

“I won’t say it out loud, if you don’t want me too.”

Adore bit her trembling lip, nodding, then swiped at her eyes with the back of her hands, finally releasing Tati’s arm.

“Yeah, please...please don’t.”

“Okay.” Tati took a deep breath. It didn’t seem right to just leave her here crying. But on the other hand, she was fairly certain that the tears had nothing to do with her and everything to do with her bestie next door. “We’re still friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Adore sniffled, nodding.  

Tati pulled her in for one last tight, quick hug and headed for the door, sighing. So much for a fun and inconsequential little fling.

-

“Here you go, Grandma.” Courtney carried the cup and saucer to her grandmother at the kitchen table, setting her tea down carefully. “Do you want some of that cranberry biscotti you like, too?”

“Yes, thank you, dear,” Muriel said, and Courtney skipped over to the cupboard, feeling like an absolute model granddaughter. She’d gotten home to find Muriel in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes after dinner, and immediately offered her assistance, scrubbing out a pot, loading the dishwasher, and then making her grandmother a cup of tea as she’d sat down heavily at the kitchen table. Surely she deserved an award of some kind for being this considerate and helpful.

She arranged several biscotti artfully on a plate when a knock at the kitchen door caught her attention. She set the cookies down and then opened the door, surprised to find Adore there, eyes a bit red and watery. (Of course, these days, Adore’s eyes were usually red, as she seemed to have upped the weed smoking quite a bit.)

“Hey...are you alright?”

Adore nodded.

“Where’s Tatianna?” Courtney asked.

“Uh, we sort of...broke up.”

“Oh no!” Courtney slipped outside, shutting the door behind her, feeling like this was a conversation that Muriel didn’t need to hear. “I’m so sorry!”

Courtney pulled Adore in for a hug, trying to hide her relief. She really did feel bad, even if part of her was jealous about all the attention Adore was lavishing on the new girl; mostly, she just hated to see Adore upset. She put her hands on Adore’s shoulders, pulling back a bit to look into her eyes. Up close, it was clear now that she’d been crying.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll be cool, I just…” Adore sighed. “Bonnie’s at work, and I just really didn’t want to be alone.”

Courtney nodded, gently tucking a lock of hair behind Adore’s ear. She hated seeing her best friend sad, of course, but it felt good to be the one she came to for comfort.

“Do you wanna stay over tonight?” Courtney asked.

“Is that okay?” Adore bit her lip, eyes flicking to Courtney’s grandmother, visible through the kitchen window.

“Of course! Anytime.” Courtney hugged her again. “Come on in. Have some of Gary’s artisan gelato.”

“Sounds perfect,” Adore said, finally flashing that winning smile, just like when they were kids and Courtney could solve any problem with ice cream. She grinned back, pressing a kiss to Adore’s temple before pulling her inside.

-

Adore lay awake, staring at the faint glow-in-the-dark star stickers all over Courtney’s ceiling. She couldn’t shake that nagging, uncomfortable feeling she’d had ever since Tati had said, or rather not said, what she had earlier.

Was Adore that obvious? Did everyone know?

And more importantly...did Courtney know?

She shifted her weight to her side, facing Courtney now, who was sleeping peacefully, one blonde curl falling across her face. She studied the way the moonlight illuminated her features. She’d spent so many hours of her life looking at that face, and almost as many dreaming about it. And still, sometimes, it was like she was a stranger. It was odd to think about how someone she’d known so long, shared some of her deepest secrets with, could be in the dark about something so monumentally big.

For a moment, Adore wondered if Tati was right. Should she just tell Courtney how she felt? Lay all her cards on the table? Deal with whatever heartbreak, whatever pain might result?

“Court?” she whispered, inching closer, brushing her hair away from her face.

“Mmm?” Courtney’s eyes fluttered, her arms instinctively wrapping around Adore’s waist, pulling her closer.

“I need to tell you something.”

Courtney opened her eyes, blinking awake, and immediately her brow creased with concern. It wasn’t until then that Adore realized that she’d been crying.

“What is it, Dory? Are you okay?” Courtney asked.

“Yeah, I just...um…” Adore took a deep, shaky breath, the oxygen filling her lungs like a splash of cold water to the face.

“What?” Courtney’s thumbs gently dried her tears. “Is it about Tatianna?”

“I...I…” She gazed into Courtney’s eyes in the dim, moonlit room, breath hitching, unable to get the words out.

“What? Are you okay?” Her voice was so soft and warm and caring, hands still cradling Adore’s cheeks, and Adore knew that it was now or never.

She could be honest, in this moment. On the lumpy mattress they’d shared countless times over the years, underneath the dimly-glowing star stickers on Courtney’s ceiling. She could confess, unburden her aching heart, and maybe it would all be fine. But...what if it wasn’t?

“Um...yeah. I guess I’m just sad.” Adore gulped, her nerve suddenly gone, every ounce of courage dissolved in an instant. Her heart pounded as if she’d narrowly escaped death, as if a truck had just swerved into her bike lane, missing her by inches.

“I’m so sorry,” Courtney said, pulling her close, wrapping her into a warm embrace, lips pressed to her temple.

“Thanks. Thanks for...being here,” Adore sniffled.

“I’ll always be here. I love you, Dory.”

“Me too,” Adore said, eyes falling closed as fresh, hot tears trickled down her cheeks. She wished that Courtney knew exactly how much, but even more than that, she was relieved that she hadn’t taken that terrifying leap into the unknown.  

[m0ck-kn1ght]

#1

I want to talk about my dad.  Start this whole thing off with something light, ya know? Ha Ha.... Anyway, my dad is an asshole. The nicest asshole you’ll ever meet.

He’s paying for my college, letting me live at his house rent free. Chill. He’s soft spoken and knows about a bunch of shit. Has traveled all over, knows people from various walks of life, blah blah blah.

I Hate Him.

Okay, we are gonna cover some sensitive stuff here. Like some possibly triggering events and its gonna be long, so be warned.

----------------------> When i was little i was shuffled back and forth between three homes. Mom on weekdays, alternating  weekends with dad and grandparents. Wednesday with dad, Friday with grandparents.

I had a schedule. 

Back to my dad. The thing you need to know is that he’s very touchy. He clings, hand on my neck, grabbing my arms....hands on my thighs.  He always insisted on contact.

“I miss you” -he’d say, pulling me onto his lap. “Give me a hug, a real hug” -holding me closer, sliding his fingers under the hem of my shirt.

You see where I’m going? This is hitting me harder than i thought it would. I’m really glad no one else is in the room.

I want to say it here, cause he swears otherwise. I DIDNT LIKE IT. I don’t know what about my biting and struggling to get away made people think it was cute. If you saw a little kid, being forcefully held on top of an older mans lap screaming to be let go, what would you think?

It was like a cute game, is apparently what the general populous thought. Fuck.

He would always position me right on top of his dick. Always.  I didn’t understand when I was little...… I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be hard, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to be touching it. So I tried to get off. I would scratch at his arms (they bled sometimes) trying to get away. He would just hold me down on top of himself. hands on hips, fingers digging in...fuck. This was a normal occurrence. These touches. He was always touching me. I dont want to keep tslking abot that.

Lets get to the meat.

I was on vacation. maybe 12? 13? Anyway my dad was in the process of moving into a new house. He was moving with his girlfriend and her young daughter. No beds yet so we decided to split up between the living room and the one empty bedroom for the night.  I was in the bedroom with my dad. It had been a long day and i fell asleep right away on top of the pile of blankets he set up. .......so i woke up. I woke up to a hand in my pants. FUCK At this point i was pretty aware of sex. I had an older brother who lived with my mom and we shared a room. I was hard to ignore some of the stuff that went on on the other side of the room. His hand was in my pants and stroking me. He was hard, shit fuck, and he was firmly pressed into my thigh. grinding up and down. slow. same as the other hand.....graphic fucking shit. sorry.

I didn't know what to do. I was scared.

I didn’t turn around of say anything. I reached down and pulled his hand out on my pants. he pushed harder for a second, resisting.

“Its not bad is it?” -the fucking cunt whispered to me. I didn’t look at him. “Are you disappointed in me?” -like. what the fuck sort of thing is that to ask?

“Yes”- I said as i walked out.

He didn’t follow me and i went and laid down with the girls. I didn’t sleep and i watched the dark hallway. I heard the shower going.

Morning was normal. He didn’t touch me, didn’t look at me. and then my mom came and picked me up and i went home.

Do you know I’ve never told anyone this. No one. And now I’m living with him. He had started grabbing my thighs again.

Shit. Alright.

 Sorry about that. I’m sorry this is the first post. But i want it to be somewhere. And i want you to know that he’s would deny it. And the family would believe him. But i need you to know that im not lying and that this is tearing me apart.