#bothers me about myself bc it's an example of whats wrong with me

[stillfruit]

i hate spending money i hate how it makes me feel even if there’s no rational reason for it i hate the guilt and the burden and the anxiety and the fear and the pressure and t

[eemcintyre]

Cruel to be Kind (Terry Silver)

TW- um... about that... *inhales,* noncon touching, mentions of harassment, size/strength kink if you squint, vomit, blood, literal murder, general toxic yandere-esque behavior; no need to worry about me at all btw thx for asking ❤️

Summary- Terry finds out that a coworker has been bothering you and you insist he stays out of it, but he takes matters into his own hands. Literally. And let's just say that it could go better.

Pls I beg you to be kind for this first foray into writing for this character. I was inspired by the phenomenal writings of @karatekels and @terrence-silver, hopefully it's an enjoyable read. It was cathartic for me to write bc I'm dealing with a v creepy guy where I work right now and it makes me feel just the tiniest bit better to imagine Terry destroying him.

“You’re quiet today. Is everything alright?”

Terry’s curious voice sounded from the leather armchair where he sat. His face was still slightly downturned from when he had been reading the book in his lap, but his eyes were directed up at her quizzically.

It was the end of a long workday for both he and Y/N, and after dinner they had decided to simply sit and enjoy each other’s company- he in the armchair, and she on the couch perpendicular to him. However, his attempts at conversation quickly fizzled out with short, superficial replies from Y/N. While she was usually vibrant, having no shortage of things to say as her dark eyes glittered with excitement, that evening, her distant gaze reflected that her thoughts were elsewhere.

At Terry’s question, Y/N’s gaze snapped out of the distance and onto him, his favorite place for it to be.

“Yes, of course, everything’s fine,” she smiled and nodded, with what looked like substantial effort, sitting with her feet curled up on the couch.

Terry removed his glasses and snapped the cover of his book closed. “Darling, how long until you finally realize that you can’t lie to me?” They’d been together for five years and married for three of them, and she had yet to succeed.

“I…” Y/N opened her mouth to make another hollow proclamation about how fine she was but thought better of it. “It’s nothing; it’s not important. You have better things to worry about.”

She stared down at her hands, twisted together in her lap. Embarrassment washed over her in an intense red flush as she thought about what she was bothered by, praying that she wouldn’t have to tell him.

Terry leaned forward almost imperceptibly in his chair, lowering his voice, his expression softening in the way that it only did for her.

“Should I be worried? Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

“It’s just… you have a tendency to… overreact.” Y/N briefly met his eyes, even though she knew without looking at them that they were piercing through her.

“Oh?”

Y/N could tell from that single syllable of Terry’s response that what she’d said had been the wrong thing to say. The soft expression returned to its typical severity.

“Give me an example. Give me an example of a time I ‘overreacted’,” he gestured for her to go on, leaning back into the armchair and crossing one long leg over the other.  

“Terry…”

“No, I want to know. Tell me so I can learn how to handle myself better.” His voice was laced with sarcasm. Her stomach sank, but there was no turning back from the conversation now. His interest was piqued, and like an animal on the hunt, he wasn’t about to let the matter go.

“Well, like the time that guy hit on me at the charity ball and you roundhouse-kicked him in the garden.” Y/N replied cautiously, cringing, not only remembering the feeling of that creep groping her again, but also the shock of Terry’s dramatic reaction to it.

Rather than hotly debate that past event with her, which was what Y/N expected, he simply cocked his head and asked “Is this like that time?”

“Just… please be calm.”

“I am calm.” His voice took on an unmistakably harder edge as he leaned toward her again, waves of silver hair framing his face, and just like that it softened. His capacity to pivot from one mood to another, moment-by-moment, never failed to amaze her. Terry rose from his chair and took the place next to Y/N on the couch, resting one of his large, warm hands over hers, which were sitting on the tops of her thighs. “You’re just worrying me. What’s going on?”

Y/N sighed, her eyes affixed to the floor, fidgeting nervously with Terry’s hand as she spoke. “There’s this guy who’s a higher-up in my department at work- Brian- who’s been… bothering me. At first, he just made a lot of, like, off-color jokes, but now he’s also touched me a couple of times and- I mean, maybe it was an accident, but…” Her voice had become barely a mumble. “I just feel really uncomfortable… and I don’t want it to escalate anymore…”

She paused briefly and finally turned her head to face him. He remained silent, and unlike how he could so easily with her, she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. The silence intensified her nervousness, so she rambled on.

“I’m trying to figure out how I should handle it without causing a big scene because, other than that, I have a really good thing going there, but… I’m just afraid that one day he’s going to be outside waiting for me in the parking lot or something.” She was shaking by this point and turned away from him again.

With a husband who was known for being so strikingly intelligent and capable of handling himself, Y/N felt utterly stupid for 1) getting into such a situation in the first place, and 2) not yet managing to get it under control. She wondered if a “strike first, strike hard, no mercy” lecture was coming.

Instead, she was surprised when he rose from the couch and strode toward one of the tall living room windows, hands in his pockets.

“Does this prick know that you’re married?” he asked.

She held up her left hand, adorned with a large and intricately detailed ring that was hard, if not impossible, for anyone to miss.  

“Does he know who you’re married to?”

“I doubt there’s anyone in town who doesn’t,” Y/N uttered a half-hearted laugh.

“And do you dislike that?” He stepped back toward her with measured steps, but his blue eyes flashed. “Is there a reason you don’t want to be associated with me?”

“I just don’t like being treated differently,” she said wistfully, thinking back to when she was just another random person and not Terry Silver’s wife. “Sometimes I feel like I get things I didn’t earn. Sometimes people act like they’re afraid of me.”

“They’re not afraid of you, angel. They’re afraid of me,” Terry replied, his matter-of-fact tone contrasted by the tension of his fists and the vein protruding from his forehead. “But apparently, not enough. If someone disrespects you, they disrespect me.”

Y/N’s shoulders sagged in frustration. “Don’t make this out to be an attack on your ego; this has nothing to do with you-”

“It has everything to do with me!”

She flinched and he made a conscious effort to lower his voice, crouching at her feet and taking her hands, tilting her chin up to force her to look at him. “A threat to you is a threat to me because I care about you so deeply. And no one threatens me and gets away with it.”

“Terry, now you’re scaring me…” She tried to shrink away from his touch, but he was slipping too far into his own anger to notice. The idea of some creep feeling entitled to put their filthy, unworthy hands on his wife, reducing her vivacious personality and sweet smile to a quiet, blank stare, had Terry seeing red.

“This jackass put his hands on you? I’ll put my hands around his neck until it snaps,” he growled.

“Terry! Please, let me resolve this. Don’t hurt him-”

“-Don’t hurt him?” he was incredulous. They rose to their feet together, where he towered over her and gripped her by the shoulders. “He hurt you, I’ll hurt him. Cause and effect. Actions have consequences. If he doesn’t have an understanding of that concept, I’ll give him one…”

“‘Consequences’ doesn’t have to mean breaking his legs. I am begging you, please just let me handle this and don’t do anything, not yet- promise me, sweetheart, please. For me.” Y/N’s voice shook as she pleaded with him, hands fisted in his shirt, trying with everything in her power not to cry as she felt tears shimmer at the corners of her eyes.

Terry stared down at her wordlessly, but his face calmed, and he released her from his hold, making a gesture with his shoulders and arms that Y/N read as acceptance.

“Thank you,” she exhaled, wrapping her arms around his torso in an embrace, her body relaxing when she felt his arms curl around her too.

~

The following day, Y/N pulled her cream-colored vintage Mercedes into the driveway. She was looking forward to an early start to the weekend, having had an extremely productive day and meeting all of the week’s deadlines just after the hour of noon. It was truly shocking how productive Y/N could be when she wasn’t constantly having to worry about avoiding Brian and wondering what he might do next.

When Y/N first clocked in for the morning, she’d been struck with an ice-cold pang in her stomach upon noticing that his desk was empty. She immediately thought of the ominous conversation with Terry yesterday, but before she could fall too far down that spiral, she was relieved to learn that Brian had merely called in sick. She laughed at herself. There was always some kind of cough or cold floating around the office, and to be honest, Y/N was surprised that she hadn’t caught anything herself in a while.

Even though a single day of illness wasn’t going to fix any of her problems, it was definitely a charming coincidence, a welcome surprise. It made the entire day incredibly pleasant- the sun seemed to shine brighter, her morning tea tasted sweeter, and the sound of the Motown music coming from the car radio sounded clearer. Maybe the universe was on her side and, even if she didn’t know how yet, everything would sort itself out after all.

Reaching the garage, she removed the key from the Mercedes’ ignition and took a moment to relish in the silence. The only detectable sound was the distant chirp of birds.

Come to think of it, it was almost too quiet.

Even during times when Terry himself was away doing work, the staff was always clattering around inside and outside the house doing cleaning and maintenance. Maybe they’d also had a productive morning.

Gathering her purse and heading inside, Y/N thought about suggesting to Terry that they go out to dinner, and maybe even take a whirlwind weekend trip. She decided to freshen up her hair and makeup and change into something cute before he returned home. Maybe that delicate champagne-colored slip dress from Paris.

Y/N found the interior of the house to be just as quiet and empty as the exterior, the sound of her lone footsteps bouncing off the marble walls of the foyer. She jumped upon hearing a thud from the floor above but was comforted to finally hear some sort of movement in the house. She was about to call out for some of the staff when Vince, Terry’s head of security, appeared from a side hallway.

Y/N smiled in relief. “What’s going on? Where is everyone?” she asked, realizing that if Vince was at the house, then Terry must be as well. “Where’s Terry?”

Vince did not smile back. “Mr. Silver is working in his office. He asked not to be disturbed until-”

She waved him off, bemused, taking a step forward that he immediately moved to block. “What are you talking about? I’m sure-”

“Mrs. Silver, he ordered me not to let anyone in.”

“I’m his wife,” she insisted, her pulse inexplicably starting to race, eyebrows furrowed as she kept trying to get past Vince and he continued to block her path. It kept repeating over and over in her head that something was wrong. “I’m sure he didn’t mean…”

Their tense dance across the floors escalated as Vince physically tried to hold her in place by the shoulders.

“What the hell? Let me go!” she cried, writhing in his grip, and swatting at his chest.

“Mrs. Silver, please don’t do this-”

Y/N managed to push him away from her for a brief moment, long enough to step out of the perimeter of his reach and sprint up the stairs. She stumbled a few times, shaking and lightheaded, and her thoughts were so muddled from panic that she hardly knew how she eventually reached the door of Terry’s office.

She would have hesitated to dramatically burst in and disturb him under normal circumstances, but these circumstances were decidedly not normal.

She staggered through the doorway.

The rest of the room was slightly sunken-in from the doorway, making it so one was unable to see most of the room without taking a few steps further. She was met again with eerie quiet- apart from the faint sound of someone breathing heavily. Still shaking, Y/N treaded delicately forward until she sighted Terry standing in the middle of the room by the small couch, his back to her.

“I thought I told you not to come in here until I called you,” he snapped, his shoulders rising up and down with the force of his breath. His hair was swept into a ponytail, but it looked askew- loose locks floating at random on both sides of his head.

“Terry?” Y/N approached him timidly, struggling to speak over her knotted-up stomach.

At the sound of her voice, Terry spun around. Y/N froze. Surprise briefly flickered across his face before he brought his expression back to its typical calculated control. “You’re home early, darling,” he murmured, forcing enough of a smile that it would appear he was pleased to see her.

“I… I finished up my projects for the week…” Y/N trailed off, taking in the rest of Terry’s unusual appearance. His face glistened with sweat and one side looked like it was smeared with…

“W-what’s that?” she gasped, eyes widening as she gestured to his face.

Terry lifted a hand to his cheek, and when he lowered it, he studied the dark red that had transferred to the pad of his finger. He would have to think fast.

“You’re bleeding.”

As Y/N neared Terry, he tried to guide her away from where he’d been by the couch, but it was too late. As she grew close enough to just barely see around the front of the couch, her eyes went to an unfamiliar object on the ground.

It was a man’s shoe. With a foot in it.

Terry was silent as Y/N screamed, stumbling back in horror as her gaze traveled further up and recognized Brian, crumpled up on the floor in a heap of blood.

Terry caught her as she fell and attempted to gather her into his arms, but she thrashed against his hold.

“Get the hell away from me- don’t touch me! Don't fucking touch me!” Even though he was far stronger than her, he allowed her to push him away. He spoke in a measured, low tone.

“Listen. I didn’t want you to have to see this…”

“You are so sick,” she choked out, tears spilling down her cheeks, eying him like he was an uncaged wild animal.

“Sick with love for you, yes,” he replied bluntly, slightly tilting his head and giving a small shrug.

“No, you’re a monster; you are evil and vile and perverted…” she sobbed.

“Well, don’t stop there. Go ahead. Tell me more, sweetheart.” Terry’s tone was flat but his gaze was unflinchingly intense. She recoiled. “What did you expect me to do? Did you really think I was going to stand aside and do nothing, knowing that my wife spends every day looking over her shoulder and living in fear, getting preyed on like a piece of meat? Besides, I told you- a threat to you is a threat to me. I protect what’s mine.”

He tried to grab ahold of her again and she tried to wrestle blindly out of his arms, her vision blurred by tears, the anger at being betrayed, and the stomach-turning fear of what he was really capable of, no matter how much of a mellow act he could put on. But, this time, he didn’t allow her to push him away.

“Why the hell are you crying? You didn’t even like this worthless piece of shit- he hurt you and he got exactly what he deserved!”

She was supposed to be relieved- she also wasn’t supposed to see the body or find out Brian had been murdered- but there was no undoing it. Terry roughly gripped her by the chin, confused frustration overtaking his better judgement as he forced her to look at the body seeping blood all over the office carpet.

“Now, look at that. You’ll never hear another filthy word from that mouth,” he whispered gently, the side of his face pressed to hers, gesturing to Brian’s battered facial features. “Those hands will never touch you again.” Terry pointed out the amalgamation of blood and broken bone at the end of each of the man’s arms.

Y/N was able to free her chin, slippery from tears, from Terry’s grip, stomping one of his feet and elbowing him in the ribcage hard. He could have easily kept his hold on her and subdued her but decided it would be best to allow her a couple of minutes to calm down. He would repay her for the blows and the ungratefulness another time.

Terry reminded himself that Y/N, unlike himself, was totally inexperienced when it came to violence, blood, and guts. Doing what had to be done. She took the path of least resistance even at her own expense. But this was a start; something he could work with.

Alarmed by the commotion inside the office, having overheard the conversation but hesitating to interrupt, Vince and a member of the maintenance staff finally crept inside of the room, looking at Terry expectantly.

“Clean this room from top to bottom,” Terry directed, waving his finger offhandedly in the general direction of the couch before stalking past them. As he thought about where Y/N was likely to have gone, he wiped the sticky droplets of blood from his face.  

After escaping Terry, Y/N had run straight to the master bathroom to be sick. Slumped over the toilet, she heaved violently, feeling worse than she ever had in her life, coming down from the pure shock and experiencing a gouging pain in her chest. She hoped with everything in her that Terry would leave her alone, but she knew he was likely only moments behind. And sure enough, she soon heard the door open behind her and felt his body close to her again. Forced to either vomit all over the room or remain clutching the toilet (and choosing the latter) it was impossible to shy away from his suffocating touch.

He knelt next to her on the tile, delicately stroking her back with one hand and holding her hair out of her face with the other.

“Darling, just try to breathe. Try to relax your stomach,” he cooed, wholly unphased by the disgusting sights and sounds before him as she weakly tried and failed to push him off. “That’s it, let it all out. I’ve got you…”

When Y/N appeared to be finished retching for the time being, Terry brought her so that her back was flush with his chest and his own back was propped up against the wall. He snaked an arm over the counter of the bathroom vanity, grabbing a towel to wipe her face with. She burst into tears again, undoing his work, laying helpless as he cradled her.

“N-no…” she groaned faintly.

She was too exhausted and defeated to fight him anymore. Caged by his long arms and legs, she just sobbed into his warm chest, feeling the vibrations of his voice.

“Everything will be alright now. You’re safe with me.”  

[ozwuv]

I love your art! So, I was wondering if you have any drawing tips you could give?

Hiii thank you so much for the kind words, I am really glad you like it!!! :’3

As far as tips, this is kind of a broad question that I think it varies widely in terms of how you want your art to look. Personally, my main priorities are fluidity and character interaction, so that’s what I focus on even though it means I don’t really draw elaborate backgrounds and such. I’m sure I could become better at other things if I tried, but I’m not a professional nor am I trying to be, so I just focus on what’s fun to me.

Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it's gonna be long

As for actual advice, I have three big rules which I think have helped me continue to enjoy drawing as long as I have, which is the most important thing to me. I started drawing as soon as I could hold a pencil, and it's been my main outlet for good and bad times throughout my whole life (I am 26 now). Other people liking what I draw is a treat, but as long as I have fun, that’s ultimately what matters to me. That said, please keep in mind I am speaking solely for myself here since everyone draws for different reasons and in different ways.

The first thing is avoiding perfectionism at all costs when drawing, because it sucks the fun out of the process and ruins the visual fluidity in whatever I’m working on. An example of this is that I don’t like to go back and revise lines I’ve already placed, because the more I try to polish them, the stiffer they look. Even in digital art I try to roll with mistakes instead of erasing, or just completely undo the line I placed and try again. 

The other thing is something I actually picked up from dog training which is arguably my biggest passion in life. There’s a common saying amongst dog trainers: No “one more time” — which essentially means that when find yourself thinking “one more time,” you need switch gears immediately and do something else because you have hit your frustration threshold and every attempt from then on will be frustrating & counterproductive for both you and the dog. 

This applies to pretty much every aspect of life for me, but it made a huuuge difference when I started to consider it within the context of drawing. If I just stop whatever I’m frustrated with and go back to it later, 99% of the time I can pinpoint exactly what bothered me and how I could have fixed it. I’m typically not the type to work on something over various sittings, so even if I don’t finish the picture I was working on after coming back to it, being able to pinpoint what went wrong about it is a lesson I can apply to whatever I work on next.

The third rule ties into the last one, which is just not pushing myself. If I’m not having fun with a drawing anymore, I’m not going to force it. If it’s not coming out the way I want it to, I’m not gonna push it. Any time I've pushed through frustration to finish something, I wound up disliking how it came out. This isn’t really realistic for someone who is a professional (or aiming to be), but for me who just likes drawing anime characters for fun, it’s perfect. Because of this, I haven’t dealt with constant art blocks like I used to. I definitely still have them, but they're usually brief and not distressing to me. I feel like I’ve kind of stagnated the past several years, but at the end of the day I have a blast when I draw and that’s all that matters to me!

There's a common sentiment that everybody hates/is embarrassed of the things they drew in the past or even right after finishing and/or posting them. But it doesn't have to be like that, and imo it shouldn't. I think that just means there are some things about one's process and mindset that need to be reflected on.

Hopefully that helps somewhat, but YMMV if your priorities are more in the vein of constant improvement and/or being a professional :] I know this was kind of an abstract response, so if anyone has specific questions feel free to ask lol

[winryofresembool]

Hey My English is pretty bad but i have a questions for You, on the dark profecy Calypso said that leo isnt her saviour but leo think he is, i don't understand why she thinks he doesnt do You have any throughts of it?

First, don't worry about your English! I'm a non native English speaker myself :)

Second: you know what? That is a valid question. A disclaimer before I get into it: It's been a few years since I've read The Dark Prophecy so my memories of the exact context of that scene are (more than a little) hazy. I don't have the book in my hands so I could check it right now. But I do remember that that exact line made me kind of cringe too when I was reading it.

Anyway, from what I can remember, Calypso was having some difficulties in adjusting into her new life. Living in the modern USA is so different from the life she was used to, and even though Ogygia was also her prison, I believe she was occasionally feeling some homesickness and she also missed having her powers. Well, all of that and the fact Leo and Calypso didn't really manage to talk about their issues (=lack of communication) caused her to snap. Leo is absolutely one of my favorites in HoO, but he isn't perfect either: he didn't always respect or listen to Calypso's wishes, such as when she told him to not call her Mamacita (there were more examples but I can't remember the details right now).

So, from there we get to the question: was Calypso's snapping justified? Not really, not in my opinion at least. It is a fact that she can't/shouldn't deny that without Leo she /would/ still be in Ogygia and would likely never get out of there on her own, because the gods didn't want to release her. In other words, Leo /was/ her savior in that sense.

But was her snapping surprising? Again, not really, not for the reasons I explained earlier. The girl has a lot to deal with and sometimes we say things we don't really mean when we are frustrated. What these two need in order for their relationship to work is to talk about what's bothering them. In TDP it seemed both were bottling up things inside them and then waiting till things were at boiling point, which caused them to fight. (Tower of Nero spoilers ahead if you haven't read that book!) I think the break that was mentioned in ToN is probably a good thing in the long run bc that way they both can process what they want and what they should do differently. Honestly, I feel that at that point Rick had just read so much Caleo hate on the internet that he was like 'screw it'.

Why do I think Rick wrote Calypso that way? He was likely afraid of presenting her as a damsel in distress. These days the books targeted for younger audiences are all about having badass female characters, and Rick is someone who doesn't take criticism well (see f. ex. the way he wrote a whole essay about why he presented Piper the way he did when he got criticism for it) so he was probably worried that Calypso admitting that Leo did save her would probably paint her in the wrong kind of light. Well, if that was his reasoning, he was wrong there. Admitting the facts doesn't make someone weaker. (To be honest I disliked TDP so much that I prefer to just ignore the whole book, I don't understand why he ruined good characters that way.)

This became way too long and rambly, I'm sorry. I hope you still got something out of this answer! TLDR: I don't think Calypso actually meant what she said about Leo not being her savior, she was just so frustrated with her whole situation that it caused her to snap.

[drawnaghht]

"Wait hold on is there a Japanese dub? Or am I reading wrong oop"

@freakova Yes! yes there is! :D :D whoever edited that TVtropes page I mentioned is wrong, I'm not sure if they just didn't have the track available bc of region-restrictions on Netflix (like here for example, we don't get some shows) or bc they have some downloaded version which only has other tracks, but whoever recorded/ripped it originally, didn't have the JP dub track. I suspect it might be the latter.

I know I watched a bit of the japanese version in august, so I wonder if it's those 2 options or maybe even that most people don't watch netflix on PCs/laptops on their browsers, and so they miss out on the extra dubs on TV. That's smth that I often miss on our Netflix, i.e. some shows will have a finnish dub (the closest language to estonian where I don't need subtitles myself), but if it's smth super popular, it won't show the option for the finnish dub on the TV version of netflix at all. Japanese is a language very often missing in the TV version for many things, doesn't seem to be related to how J is in the middle of the alphabet, but rather, whatever system of regions Netflix uses to give suggestions to users. But if I switch to finnish on my PC, it will continue that show/other shows with available dub in my selected language. This goes for subs too!

Lol if u have a friend with Netflix or have it yourself, you can check it out. I have watched it with japanese dub + sub on at the same time to get any interesting language/delivery differences but also just to watch it out of curiosity. this is what I base some of my posts on too like the one's about names, but when I was just curious to see what the JP subtitles were like I got curious abt the dub too and then switched to both. It's

I also added this on the TVtropes page as a source to avoid ppl changing it, but Usagi's japanese VA, Kengo Takanashi, actually tweeted about his involvement for the airing of S2 (for those unfamiliar with voice actors there, like I am, he plays Link in the newer Zelda games. But also, fun TMNT trivia: he plays Donnie in the Bayverse japanese dub hehe x3 )

I think I found this randomly while going through twitter searching for something else. Definitely did not know about this VA before, but it's cool how happy he seemed about tweeting abt this show.

He sounds really nice as Usagi! He has that youthful and curious but annoying quality to it which makes Usagi unique and he sounds just as excited as the original, so the acting is on-point too. I've heard some people say that they like the JP dub over the EN original, but I honestly like both. There is a bit of a difference between Kengo (JP) and Darren (EN) with how different of a timber their voices have, but it's a very subtle difference. I've also watched the finnish and german dubs (both languages which I actually understand/speak more than japanese) and those also had very good Usagi voices. The russian dub versions sounds a bit deeper/ older but otherwise, the acting itself is fine, so it doesn't really bother me. In some versions, either Tetsujin or Gen sound either too young or too old for their roles, but otherwise, most of the dubs for this show at least, sound pretty good and similar to the og.

Anyway, I am not thinking of doing a spring cleaning on TV tropes now to clean up any more old/misleading info hehehe >:3c

[just-my-type-x]

A statement from me to u

I'm currently waiting for my food to cool down and I had the idea of putting some things into place.

I'd like to start by saying that I'm so used to dramatic shit, that nothing in the celeb world actually surprises me, nor does it affect me. When I said I'm not biased, I really meant it. The fact that I don't care about certain things a certain celeb does and my reaction is completely blank and I'm not bothered whatsoever, doesn't mean I'm biased. it simply means I don't give a shit and that that thing doesn't affect me or it's not a matter of importance for me. And because it's not a matter of importance for me, it doesn't mean I or we as a tiny group that we're on this platform should be called delusional or that we're lying to ourselves in order to feed our imaginations on something that's not real.

Secondly, fans in general should have low standards when it comes to certain celebs bc not all of them are great. I'm not saying the band fits this pattern necessarily, but there should always be room for disappointment, as I also said in the past. Therefore, the whole Brad situation can be a great example. If u met him and didn't like him, why bother go around and try to explain to people why he's shit, just ignore him and the rest. Proof or no proof, his behaviour can depend on a lot of factors, this is why I find this an irrelevant topic. Everyone says bad things, he shouldn't be held accountable for something like this just bc he's famous and almost everyone expects him to behave how they think it's appropriate for a celeb to act like. And another thing I'd like to add here is that if u've made a bad impression about himself the 1st time, u're most likely to have a biased conception about him from now on, which will look like everything he does or says is wrong.

Now, I like to think of myself as a patient person when it comes to certain subjects we approach and with people as a whole, especially if we're passionate about the same artists or topics. I don't know what that was a few days ago, if that was to test my limits or whatever, but I draw the line at being disrespectful. I want to apologize for that ask that I got which said that we should all go down together or whatever that shit said, bc none of u deserve such a statement from anybody. I should've stopped the anonymous asks right then, but I value all sorts of opinions and I am not the one to silence anybody, hence why I discuss every single topic with u guys. But to get to that extent, to which other people started sending me stuff about that ask, is disturbing.

From now on, whichever I feel like might end up like that conversation, will be deleted from my inbox. I also draw the line on that topic. I promise I'll do all my manifesting to meet Brad and give u a full-on review (😂 let's joke for a second cuz I don't like being so serious, and I'm also not making fun of that anon, I'm pretty serious also about that bc I know people don't talk just to keep themselves busy. I also leave a full-on possibility of the anon being right, wrong, being in the middle and so on).

Ending it in a light note, love u all and thank u for these years on this platform and I'm looking forward the next gossip session ♥️🌺

[thisdreamplace]

any tips on how to focus on the 4d and all that you’re manifesting while also not getting distracted by what OTHER people are saying or asking? For example, ppl keep asking me what I want to do in life, what I’m planning in life, or that it seems like I’m goalless with no direction. Those questions for some reason bother me and put me in a funk, because it feels like I have my dream career in the 4d, but then ppl in the 3d come in saying stuff like this and then it just reminds me that THEY don’t see it.

my biggest tip is focus on the 4d and stop being so hyperfocused in what you're manifesting. tbh.

i so resonate with this bc omg. i used to (internally) FALL APART when people asked me anything in the same category as what i was manifesting. and i knew all the great teachers said "it doesnt matter what you say, its already done" but for the life of me i couldnt fully feel that, i couldnt grasp it or accept that at all. i always felt so bad and full of anxiety even after giving my answer, wondering if i've fucked everything up. def not fun.

for me, i stopped caring about it when i realized i dont have a reason to fight against my current reality or pretend things arent as they are. whatever everyone else sees, is whats true, sure. on the outside. so i don't need to walk around like it's not what it appears to be. but i go within myself and i know how i feel and i know whats true for me. its that feeling of i don't actually need validation. its just, i go within myself and i become one with god and i keep that close to my heart. and i think thats why you kinda have to let the whole hyperfixation on your desires go, on the level that it feels more like ur still trying to prove to urself ur truth. bc really. when u know in ur heart something is true, when you have accepted it within, you're not as easy to shake. sure you may have moments where you're thrown off or maybe even feel some type of way, as is normal for this human experience. but you really won't be that bothered by it so often and so easily.

yall its honestly so okay (and often SO HELPFUL) to be able to say, "yeah with the way things look rn im not where i wanna be" AND accept that. rather than being like "no no the 3d is wrong my 4d is right" its okay to let the 3d flow, to be what it is, and hug your inner world tight. bc really thats all u need to do. hold on close to your inner world and let yourself live in the 3d as it is, enjoying every moment, knowing each experience is just part of the unfolding of the beautiful things to come. thats really how you go about living within yourself, and the outer world simultaneously.

<3

[dumbdomb]

Hey just a heads up, your posts are showing up in the intersex main tag searches. I'm all for the writing and stuff, it's just that I figured youd want a heads up where your posts are being seen

you say you're supportive of my writing, yet you're voicing a concern that intersex people may see the posts i've intentionally tagged as "intersex nsft" to include intersex people. how is that being "all for the writing and stuff"? why are you worried about intersex people seeing my intersex inclusive writing? oh, and btw...

if you don't know the difference between SEARCH Results and TAGGED Results, that's not my concern. i do not control the current version of search functionality on this website.

i use the TAG "intersex nsft" and if you search by that tag, you will only see posts with that specific tag. if you run a general search, the webbed site will go "intersex" "nsft" AND include every single word and emoji, likewise. this is how search works now, and has been so for some time. nobody has control over what the search algorithm chooses to include in general search results. please search TAGGED Results ONLY if you want to refine your results, and perhaps use the blocklist in settings to avoid any posts with specific tags- if you're uncomfortable with any posts being tagged "intersex nsft" for example.

learn how to use the site before making your personal issues someone else's problem.

the settings you use, or choose not to, are not my concern or responsibility in any way. i have properly tagged my posts. there is nothing wrong with "intersex nsft" content existing! you don't need any more information about me, but i'll add that i do not claim being intersex bc i do not have a full diagnosis. i am personally being seen to determine whether i simply have pcos or something else, and i haven't been diligent in my medical treatments. it's a slow process for me. however, it is fine to still tag posts that are gender neutral, or can be read in inclusive ways, as content for people who identify as intersex. i welcome sexual variants on my blog and hope people of all genders, as well as genderless identities, feel welcomed and invited here. 🏳️‍🌈

i do not concern myself with the general search results on here, nor with anything i post showing up in someone's orbit, based on likes, etc... That is all processed through algorithms and not the way Most people know how to use this site. we have tags for what we like, tags for hate, tags for gif makers, tags for art, tags for writing, tags for general use, tags for cosplay, tags for roleplay, tags for sfw only, tags for anything... please, do not bother me about your own disappointment in how the site functions now. we all know it's being held together by duct tape and weirdness.

if you don't like tumblr, and don't want to use the settings they provide to make your own experience here more enjoyable, then try closing the window and uninstalling the mobile app. you don't need to shame or guilt people, or whatever veiled threat this ask was intended to be, for what i've posted with appropriate use of tags.

i did not tag my writing as "intersex". full stop.

[rahleeyah]

d. c. anon saying hello!

I’m very curious to see if the finales this season (or maybe early next season?) bring together all these little nuggets of wisdom we have been getting all season from benson or if it all was just how it was written, with no connection/complete coincidence, and we were all reading too much into what she has been saying?

Or if we will know what m meant by saying “it’s not like it seems” or something like that. I know I’m getting the quote wrong.

With that being said, im loving this arc. Oscar papa bring brought in was purely for the fans 😂😂 however Amanda? Was she always this amazing profiler? Genuinely asking bc why else would she have been brought in? Like to serve the purpose of highlighting that Amanda clocked Elliot for leaving Liv? Again for the fans?

welcome back anon!

if we were still under wet lettuce's reign of terror, I would not be able to say with any confidence that I think there would be payoff for all the threads that have been woven so far this season, and Olivia's nuggets of wisdom in particular (physician heal thyself indeed). however. the premises are under new management and that new management has so far done a much better job of telling a cohesive story across episodes, and so I am cautiously optimistic that Olivia's lightbulb moment is incoming. it feels, very much, like somebody over there knows what they're doing, and the fact that the last couple episodes of both shows were left in the same hands gives an even greater potential for a satisfying payoff, tho I continue to remind myself of how s14 ended - we may very well be left on a cliffhanger. which like, that's a solid way to insure a big audience for the premieres, whenever they may be. so we shall see.

oh, Amanda. so Amanda's thing has always been psychology - she has, in a few episodes scattered across her decade on the show, expressed a particular interest in getting inside the minds of the most deranged killers. it is her thing, tho it's always bothered me; I am thinking of the machine elves episodes now, and Amanda's interest in and defense of alternate theories of consciousness, an interest which has always seemed at odds with her intensely narrow view of the world (for example, "abuse victims deserve the abuse bc they allow it to happen" is a theory she has espoused more than once, which, lol).

so the thing is, right, is that it isn't out of left field or anything, her wanting to do these things, it sits right inside of the characteristics they have given her. the thing is, I've never seen any reason to believe she speaks with any authority on the subject. she took point on a few interrogations - the Henry Mesner fiasco comes to mind - and has attended lectures - as they all have - but like. My girlfriend has spent a lot of time learning about serial killers. no one is calling her to be a profiler. I feel like Amanda was brought back not for her skills but for the Drama(tm). Some fans like her very much, bringing back a familiar face for a finale is a good way to boost ratings, allowing us to see Olivia interact with Amanda after we have watched Liv grieving her absence is compelling from a character perspective. and that's the thing, right, is that this is entertainment, so it doesn't matter if Amanda has any skill as a profiler - just like it didn't matter that Nick's pivot into science seems super weird. it's a "willing suspension of disbelief" moment, I think, and I may fuss about it on occasion but I'm not like. mad about it lol

I did want to see Elliot and Amanda acknowledge that they have something in common in leaving Liv, so I'm glad we got that, though "I left bc I'd killed a teenager about the same age as one of my own daughters and the brass were going to make me do a number of things I personally find intolerable and even then I might not get my job back and I can't risk my pension and I have a toddler to raise and I can't talk to Liv about it bc I'm in love with her and if I see her face I'm gonna throw everything away for her" and "I took a new job and then never called her again and made my husband, who is her friend and sees her very often for work, promise not to tell her I'm pregnant for reasons as yet unspecified" are not exactly the same thing.

[blackwoolncrown]

I really like that you have these personal restrictions that you abide by because I like....don't have any?? And I think both of our lifestyles are great examples of two sides of like the same Valuing Ourselves Spiritually coin. Like on one hand we have certain restrictions and rules to maintain ourselves in a controlled way, and on the other we have no restrictions and rules to maintain ourselves in a uncontrolled way, if that makes sense? Idk i just really like hearing about the life you've made for yourself especially since it's a life I can't see myself living at all. So interesting!

To be fair, the restrictions are not purely moral.

For instance, I avoid meat. It's not because I think eating meat is fundamentally 'wrong'. It's because over time and in experiences I have come to find it to be somewhat more harmful to my body; I feel better not eating it than eating it, usually. I have issues with industries as well, and overall enjoy other things so much that I just don't care for it or in some cases don't miss it and find it not worth the bother.

Interestingly in this same reading there is the adage- echoed by the Tao which I value greatly- that moralism is also sinful. Being motivated by what's 'good' vs bad is being ruled by duality.

It doesn't mean we can or should just do whatever but rather that a surface idea of good and bad is ultimately bullshit and useless...and I agree with that.

So truly it's easier for me to say I have 'restrictions' but that's a bit negative of me- it is just as or more true to say I have leaned into my intuitions and sensitivities and stopped engaging w things that do not feel very good on both an intellectual ("just bc I like eating a slice of cake NOW doesn't mean I will like the result in an hour...so maybe eating a big slice of sugary cake isn't actually something I like") or sensory ("I don't actually value convenience over ecological stability, so I only want to consume certain materials bc that feels better for me") level.

Ultimately it's all about free will and tbf the core of all spiritual devotion must be love. Without free will there is no consent and without consent there is no love.

This is why we can do whatever. AND there are different levels of experience and enjoyment.

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + burnt secondary (bird secondary model) (badger secondary performance)

(note to OP - this is an ask that I substantially restructured in order to answer it properly. Everything's still here, just in a different order than how it was submitted.)

hope i’m not bothering you too much, but I was curious on your input from what i could be. i’ve been pretty torn these days on my sorting, but i think i’ve finally cracked the code somewhat w the help of your acc (ESPECIALLY the sort me asks. don’t even get me started…)

i think i’m a snake (maybe even burnt??) primary and burnt-ish??? lion secondary. i’m not sure what my models are—but i do get a badger feeling.

~ SECONDARY ~

i’m not a good decision maker. i usually ask “well what do you want” when going out w someone for food, or if i’m pressured to suggest smth, i’ll say smth generic i’m feeling for. 

if the people i love, or at least the people closest to me, don’t agree w smth i chose, then i’ll be like?? okay i guess i’ll just choose what you think… like the last time i went out w my best friend, i was getting dippin dots and chose banana split, but then my friend and our other friend (who works there) were baffled and said that was the worst flavor. i was like wait fr? huh… then… what do you guys recommend… they said chocolate. i got chocolate. i don’t rlly regret it bc it ended up tasting good, and i also got their approval in a way, i suppose.

Okay. Coming out of the gate with an "I hope I'm not bothering you" and then going into "I'm not a good decision maker," and THEN describing just being extremely passive... I'm thinking burnt Secondary. It's like you're not trusting yourself to problem-solve at all. It's possible that some of this inertia and tendency to gauge what the people around you are doing is coming from a burnt Primary... but it's just all so specific, small scale and practical that I'm leaning secondary for now.

(and thank you for the really specific, low-stakes examples, they will make things easier.)

i never rlly ask for anyone’s opinion tho. it feels bothersome to them, vulnerable to me, so rarely do i confide in someone’s thoughts. if i do, it’s at first subtle, and if that doesn’t work, fine, i’ll just awkwardly straight up say it. but that’s the last resort. usually i just try to rely on myself.

This rules out being a Burnt primary. Feeling like it's wrong to ask for help, bother people, take up space... that's a Burnt Secondary. I'm not sure what's underneath the burning now. You don't like asking for help (the Badger thing), you don't like asking subtly (the Snake thing) and you don't like just straight-up saying it (the Lion thing.) And that's really what a Burnt secondary means. Problem-solving methods don't bring you joy.

this comes a lot from my mom criticizing me when i try to ask for smth. i can hardly say anything to her without it being some comment. it’s so tiring. in the end, when i do have to, i’ll ask for help—but i try not to. and yet, i feel the right to ask for help sometimes, rlly only when it’s a matter of “you didn’t teach me how to do this, how should ik?! but you think i should somehow!” which is stupid. idk how you can expect someone to just instantly know how to do smth as if coded into them as a baby.

Yeah. This is how you burn a secondary. I'm sorry. From just this description, it sounds like you might be a Prep-work Secondary (Bird or Badger) and your mom might be an In-the-Moment Secondary (Lion or Snake.)

i feel bad when don’t do something my mom is asking me to do, like chores. i don’t particularly like washing dishes, but i do it in the end bc i think “mom would want me to, i have to help her,

I think this might just be a human thing. It could easily be coming from any primary.

ik she would hate it deep inside even if she represses any sort of emotion, blah blah."

That's an interesting thing to say about your mom, that almost certainly has bearing on her sorting. I'll keep that in mind.

i think another big example is continuing my college education on behalf of my mom bc i would just feel bad to let her down. i want peace. studying and having things shoved at you to do is not peace

Okay, college is a much *bigger* thing than just dishes, and tells me a little more about you. But what it tells me is just more burnt secondary stuff. If you don't know what flavor of Dippin Dots you want, you probably don't have any strong opinions about what you want to study, and you sadly seemed to be trapped in a cycle where everything is... kind of a chore, and a grind.

whenever i’m in public, i put on a cold exterior. better that people stay away from me and don’t bother me. the less for me to deal w the better. so, i’m generally p stoic, unless i absolutely have to plaster on a fake persona. it’s so hard to do tho, definitely rarely wanna ever keep up. very few people know my warmer side.

You're sounding very Actor Bird secondary here (or at least Bird secondary model.) You've got your armor, Stoic!You who is... safe. And Fake!You, which is a (presumably more cheerful, Badgery) performance that you hate.

when it comes to family, i just don’t wanna disappoint them mostly. there are moments where i will sacrifice myself, like when my cousin comes over sometimes to watch stuff w me, even if i’m tired, or don’t feel like it, i feel the need to follow through w it so i don’t let her down. i’d end up feeling guilty if i did.

Not wanting to disappoint your family is a feeling that can come from a lot of places. But in this case, it's not even lack of boundaries, it's more just 'not worth the fight.'

it always baffles me when my badger best friend is able to constantly put on a mask when she’s forced to socialize. and she’s forced to socialize a lot bc of her family. it would drive me insane.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you have a Badger performance that you absolutely hate.

i suppose i’m also scared of forming new attachments in general. i’m scared if i’m saying anything inappropriate, if i’m not fun, if i’ll possibly lose that person ig, and yet, i can cut off relationships quick, in a non direct way.

And here it is. There's a lot of fear, in both Burnt primaries and Burnt secondaries. And what you've got going on here... seems to be a version of 'if I do not try, then I cannot fail.' If you've got a persona designed to keep people away, then you don't have to worry about not being fun enough, not saying the right thing, not having to cut off the relationship (before they cut off you?) That sounds like it really, really hurts. I'm sorry.

~ PRIMARY ~

idrk what i want myself. it’s not like i don’t want to continue getting an education—i just don’t know what to do, so it feels pointless for the time being. but if not for college, i would feel more aimless, and i’d have to deal w any unwanted consequences from not going, whether it comes from my mom or the external world.

You feel very Internal to me. The only place the external world is making an appearance is as something that you occasionally have to *deal* with. The wanting connection, but feeling like it's too unsafe to go out and get it could point to Burnt Snake primary... or this sort of "pointless" but not necessarily unpleasant could point to a Lion primary who hasn't been *inspired* by anything yet.

in general i can be influenced by my people’s agenda and follow through w it. i would feel bad if i didn’t. like selfish. at the same time, i can be a selfish person. the person i care for most besides anyone else is me. i care about me, me, me. self-preservation is the biggest part of me, i think. i think another trait of snake primary is not caring for the general public. i don’t. my biggest priorities are myself, my care, and whoever i choose to care for at the moment.i’m just not someone who can serve [people] constantly, especially random people.

Fair enough. I would argue that everyone's first priority ought to be themselves, because if you're not doing that, how can you be doing much good anywhere else? If you're not taking care of yourself, that just means someone else is going to have to show up down the line to take care of you, probably after things have gotten much worse.

That said... I'm seeing the Snake. Feeling selfish that you're not adopting your loved one's "agenda" but very much not being a Badger.

i’m used to being alone and i like being alone… i’m someone who drifts from relationships easy. i don’t think much about it. sometimes i do feel a little guilty for not talking to some of my friends much but not rlly. it’s just something that… happens.

And then you say something like THIS which honestly sounds... so Lion. Of the four primaries, Lions are easily the most comfortable being loners. And when they're in a bad place (like if they've got a very burned secondary, for example) their instinct will be to get by themselves, and spend as much time alone as possible, in order to reconnect with themselves and heal.

but i’m getting sidetracked—i can be direct if something that tickles my morals seems off. even to the people i love. if my parents do smth i don’t agree w, i legit can’t help it, i burst out.

Um. That's Lion.

it’s a bit of a bad habit and gets me into trouble. i did this a lot as a kid too. i was actually a bit nasty as a kid, i think….

this happens more often than not w my family doe. i’m not nearly as explosive w anyone else. if someone does smth that messes w my morals, i act more calm about it, although most of the time, i just don’t bother to bring my thoughts.

Yeah, because you've got a pretty burnt secondary, so you'll be boiling over inside and still not DO anything... presumably until it gets really desperate, at which point you'll lash out with anything you think will work. Which at the moment mostly seems to be Lion secondary?

i think what confuses me the most is my rebellious nature. there are times where i will listen to my parents, and then those times where i will go against their beliefs. it’s an internal fight sometimes.

It is literally a fight between your primary and your secondary. You can hear your Lion primary say "DO THIS!" But your secondary says "we can't." And then if you feel the situation is important enough, the Lion primary finds a way to whip the burnt secondary into doing something. But it hurts.

i have a bit of a “don’t care” attitude. if there’s something i want that they don’t agree w, oh well.

"Sounds like a them problem, not a me problem." Very Lion.

this tends to come from my aesthetic. i like the darker side of things, which seems weird to my mom, and she always says “people won’t think you’re normal, you shouldn’t dress this way, it’s not right” but… i don’t care about what other people think… so why should i take that into consideration? some of our arguments come from this. what people think of me is not my problem. and what she thinks… sometimes… is also not my problem. this trips me up bc it’s rlly dependent. sometimes i care about what people close to me think and sometimes i don’t. sometimes i’m assured in myself, and a LOT of the times, i’m not. 

This also sounds like a Lion primary thing to me. Lions don't care about everything equally, they'd go crazy if they did. And it can be sometimes be unpredictable and surprising just WHAT will give you that "I guess we're doing to die on this hill" Lion primary PING. But without it pushing you along... it doesn't seem like you have much to fall back on.

earlier, [Mom and I] argued on how a wife should know how to do basic chores, and well, everyone should, but my mom said it to be exclusively to a woman, and how her husband will not want her if she can’t even do smth so simple. like washing dishes. my first thought is—why does it have to be the wife? and can’t the husband clean the stupid dishes himself if he cares so much? he should know too. basic chores are important to know, but setting it exclusively to one gender is so stupid. she ended up using me as an example bc of my distaste for washing dishes, saying that my future husband would say i’m not a real woman and would leave me. and my thoughts are that, well, he can leave, if i’m ever caught w someone like that! in fact, i wouldn’t ever be searching out for someone like that ever. gross. my mom is a badger primary confirmed??? maybe that’s why a lot of her beliefs are so off putting to me…

I mean, could be. That focus on tradition and the way things "should be" can be very Badger primary. Although if she's bottling up her emotions, could be a pretty extreme model.

(and yes, obviously everyone should know how to do basic chores like washing the dishes.)

 i follow through w my skincare routine even on a time crunch and my mom wants me to hurry up. it’s just too important to me—i might try to rush a little, but it’s gonna take an apocalypse to make me give up on any part of it.

You know, it's funny. But I've figured out who you remind me of. You're Stede Bonnet, from Our Flag Means Death. Trapped in a very traditional this-is-how-things-are-done environment, and with a secondary so burned that he just goes along with everything... but his primary still does assert itself in his love of dark things (pirates) and his love of clothes.

i also do what i want when i  want. like rn, technically i COULD be doing college work, but… meh. i don’t want to. but then eventually i’ll feel pressure to do it anyways. i’m usually on time w assignments even if i start them somewhat late, bc i hate to think of the consequences i’d be dealing w if i didn’t do anything.

I mean, that's how it can be with a Burnt secondary. You don't *want* to do the thing. But eh, I'll do it I guess.

i think, if i had one argument to be made against lion primary (if it counts as one), it would be that, while i don’t mind praise, it’s not smth i’m actively thinking of or searching for. i’m just not used to it. if i get it, i’m like, oh, thanks! it’s nice, but… idk… i don’t think it’s a huge part of me if a part at all.

Lion primaries are not out here searching for praise, unless they're very exploded. At the end of the day, I don't think anyone can run entirely on approval coming in from outside yourself. Not for long, anyway.

am i interesting? it’d be cool if i was. or just a classic?

You are interesting, actually. It's unusual to have such a strong, loud primary and such a burnt secondary. It makes me think that you're going to be just fine, especially when you finish school and get out on your own. The fiery Lion primary seems pretty clear to me, and I *suspect* you might have a Prep-work secondary... but unfortunately, at the moment. Too burned to tell.

[aspd-culture]

hi! would like to ask about the identity part of of the aspd criteria

identity: self-esteem derived from personal gain, power, or pleasure.

i have difficulty trying to understand what that could mean, like in a kind of concept. would it have to do w/ stuff like… reputation? id like to hear more broader examples for reference if that’s ok!!! hope this isn’t too much of a bother.

-🧃 (questioning)

Not at all! This answer is gonna be based very personally in my own experience with this, and probably won't reflect ASPD as a whole as much as one pwASPD's experience with it bc I haven't seen a whole ton of other pwASPD talk about this.

So basically this means for me that the more successful I am at manipulating others (even if it's not about big things - getting someone to throw out garbage for me helps), getting what I want, and feeling "in charge" of things all make me feel better about myself. Failing to/getting caught at manipulating people, being someone's "subordinate" (in actuality or just in my head), or generally not getting what I want makes me feel worse about myself - as though I have failed at something that should be easy. This can lead to a sort of spiral of feeling stupid, weak, etc, even if the thing I "failed" at is either petty and doesn't matter, or was basically impossible for anyone.

Similarly, anything that is uncomfortable or upsetting can mess with my entire self-esteem (this would be the "pleasure" portion). If I mess up at a video game, it can literally make me feel worthless, because I was deriving pleasure from that and in that moment basing my self worth on it.

I think this in particular is a symptom that probably sets this disorder apart from NPD the most. Whilst at times people with ASPD can come off as arrogant, that's a very momentary feeling based off of whatever is happening right now. In the moment I may believe I am better than everyone else but the second something doesn't go my way I lose that. It doesn't affect my entire sense of self (for me personally, not as a general ASPD thing) for very long, but for a while it'll be a gnawing thing in the back of my head.

Another example is in school, if I were to get an answer right it is because I am so smart and now everyone knows I am so smart, but if I get it wrong it is because I say I'm smart, but I just sounded like an idiot who doesn't know anything and showed everyone I don't know anything which they can now use against me and I should never have let that happen. When I get the answer right again, it becomes "great now you kinda made up for it but they still know you were being stupid a bit ago".

It's a super unstable style of ego that is really exhausting to deal with because you know realistically what you're good and bad at (I'm not great at video games, so even when I feel like a superstar for doing well, there is a part of me that is rationally saying "that was pretty good but don't count on it bc you're probably gonna mess up soon"), but are overcome with this warped sense of self in the moment even over petty things.

And when I say petty, I mean petty. Things like feeling superior to others because I can hold my bladder longer than them (power-based self-esteem) or, again, got someone to throw out my garbage (personal gain-based self esteem).

I would definitely look into others' input as well though since this particular post is very much just my experience as I said in the beginning.

[lastoneout]

Re that last post about the similarities between autism and social anxiety, something about this that makes me wonder, as a neurodivergent person who isn’t sure where she falls exactly, does anyone on either side of this ever experience like, being able to relax in social situations where there is a strict social framework everyone is expected to adhere to?

Because I’ve often described my social anxiety as feeling like I have to perform or follow a set of rules, and I can’t relax because I don’t really know what’s expected of me(how to appear/be Normal), and it tends to get worse the more spontaneous and unstructured the interaction is. As an example I have actually butted heads a few times with an autistic friend of mine because I find it incredibly anxiety inducing to the point of it actually making me upset when people I don’t know strike up a conversation with me randomly in public, while he sees that as something polite and it makes him upset to think of it like he’s bothering other people. Not saying he’s wrong at all, but the reason it bothers me because in those situations there is NO structure AT ALL and I have no idea how I’m meant to act or what I’m meant to say, and the thought that I’m Doing It Wrong, or being rude by trying to end the interaction as fast as possible, makes me so anxious it can honestly throw off my mood for hours after.

And again I experience that to varying degrees with basically all social interactions, even some with people I’m incredibly familiar with like long time friends or family, and there’s hardly ever a break. I think the only people I feel like I don’t have to perform in front of are like, my mom and my fiance.

But one time there IS a break is when I’m at work. I don’t really have any social anxiety there, or at least very little, and it’s because I know what my job is and EXACTLY what my relationship to the people around me is and how I’m meant to behave around them, which people I can be more familiar with and which ones I need to be more formal around, and if things ever do get weird or uncomfortable I can just remind myself that I don’t really HAVE to be friends with or like any of the people I work with because we’re all just there to make money.

It also doesn’t bother me to interact with customers, even when it goes wrong or I mess up, because again there is a script I’m supposed to follow and I know what’s expected of me, and if the customer starts to become a problem I know the mangers will step in and I don’t really have to care what the customer thinks or says about me. Like I’m the sort of person who breaks down crying when people yell at me, but with customers I couldn’t care less bcs it doesn’t really matter and they can’t actually hurt me. They’re the ones breaking the rules, after all, not me, so whatever, right?

(I even enjoy public speaking at my job, despite having debilitating stage fright in every other situation lmao)

I even get irritated sometimes when co-workers butt heads and refuse to work together or complain about not liking each other cuz like?? You’re here to work??? Who fucking cares I’m not making you be friends I’m making you make popcorn, unless there’s an actual harassment problem just get over it??? But they think I’m weird or like, inconsiderate for taking that stance.

So yeah I just wonder if anyone with social anxiety or any autistic people ever get relief from being in situations where there is a strict social framework that can be memorized, or if everyone tends to be anxious even then. Cuz idk it seems like one of those things that I always assumed was just my social anxiety, but the more I think about it the more I’m not entirely sure.

[transmascrage]

julia serano was a bad example to use in your 4 whole paragraph response bc she literally is a transandrophobe and you can find plenty of evidence of that in her writings. but that doesn't stop me from using the word transmisogyny because i also never said not to use the words saint has coined. i never even said i don't believe in transandrophobia. all i said is that saint is a lesbophobic racist sack of garbage because he is. like i don't know how to tell you how unhinged you came off there but chastising me for "giving snarky responses" when you were talking to yourself is unwell person type behaviour. deciding to ignore and simply "disagree" that it's wrong for a man to openly fantasize about raping lesbian women is deranged. people should be aware of hymn whether you are or not. i think his contribution of the word transandrophobia is useful and we should keep using it, but i also know that even a broken clock is right twice a day. he's a dangerous person with dangerous ideas and he shouldn't be promoted as some martyr who people only hate because he's ~☆such a good activist uwu☆~. at the end of the day he is another man who wants to rape women, another non-Black person who shamelessly appropriates Black culture, another "she just needs a good fuck!" brand lesbophobe, another "everyone is bi!" flavour homophobe... the list goes on and on and on. get a clue, or a better soapbox. p.s. i can't "just block" saint (or his alt account/#1 fanboy nothorses lmao) to be rid of hymn; losers like you will still be out here praising hymn day in and day out like he pays your damn light bill.

It's true that you never said anything about transandrophobia, sorry for assuming, usually people use the two arguments hand-in-hand.

So here's the thing. I was "talking to myself" because you're on anon. You wanna be a big kid and come off and argue with me without hiding? We can talk about this in a conversation if you want.

Second. I'm not going to explain why having "problematic kinks" is not something to chastise people over, because so many others have explained it already. The base, the very core of kink is consent.

That's why it doesn't make sense to me to harass someone over their kink, who they perform consensually, on their private blog.

He wasn't going onto random people's blogs and misgendering or leaving inappropriate messages. His blog was password protected for a reason.

It's like if someone was doing kinky shit in their bedroom, someone barged in and went: "Oh my god, what's wrong with you?? Why are you pushing your kinks onto me?"

It's true that he's a man, but he's not a cis man. We're not talking about a cishet man who gets off to the idea of "turning lesbians straight". Transmascs have, surprise surprise, different experiences than cis men!

How do you know Saint didn't identify as a lesbian before and developed this kink as a coping mechanism? I don't, because I don't know hymn. And he's not obligated to tell anyone jack shit.

I can't stress it enough that you don't know what I'm into, or why I developed certain kinks.

If it bothers you that I'm defending hymn, block me and blacklist our tags. Or maybe stop bringing up this subject. We literally only talk about it because you keep mentioning it.

Also, you opened your first anon message with: "Why are you telling people to block someone who's calling out Saint?" but he wasn't, he reblogged something and reached so hard to find a reason to "incriminate" two other people. This isn't about Saint.

[calzonekestis]

I'm sorry you're getting anon hate for defending Grace, some people really love to waste their time Karen-ing on tumblr dot com 😐 I thought it might cheer you up to see something positive in your inbox so, I hope you have a lovely day/evening!

It’s sad and pathetic, but I don’t let it get to me. I turned anons off when they first started like back before Vol. 2 dropped, and I was Thinking it might be time to turn them on again but. Lmao.

People just legit have nothing better to do with their time, apparently. I’m so sorry to see that you’ve been dealing with more hate as well, which - ok, absolutely no one deserves that sort of crap, but pls know/don’t forget that there are tons of people who love seeing you on their dash and you bring them joy.

I absolutely love seeing the positivity and passion you have, and like with fix - you take the time to write it and share it and people like it and respond to it. That’s good, lovely, productive fandom. That’s fandom done right. More people should look to you as an example fwiw~

And like, ok, here’s an example; I’m someone who isn’t letting myself buy into the Kas theory personally. I don’t want to be disappointed if he doesn’t come back, and as sad as it would be if his end was truly the end… I’ve personally made peace with it/am ok with it. I would be mildly disappointed if the theory came true bc it wouldn’t really be Eddie for much of it. Like I’d love it for Joe, and him having a job lol, but it’d just be excruciating to watch if he wasn’t the character we loved for much of it…and if he ended up just dying again at the end… I’d be a wreck. Again. But that’s just me!

All that to say! I’m not big on such theories, and yet… I still love your blog? I don’t see it as “grr they have Different Opinions!” I see it as “an Eddie friend! That means Friend!“

Like. It’s that easy? People can enjoy the things they things mutually… mutually, and when the tastes diverge, just. Leave each other to it? No one’s hurting anyone, they’re having fun, why be a dick?

Like, despite not being big on the theory - I love seeing your speculations, and you and your mutuals going over his reactions in various interviews?

Like. Again, this should be an obvious thing to people and idk why it’s not - you don’t have to be on board with every single thing. Every Want for a character, every interpretation, every ship.

That does not make you My Enemy, and I (hope you know lol) nor does it make either of us “less of” a fan which. Again, is a bs way of going about fandom.

Taking ownership and gatekeeping from other fans. I used to be like that with the Marvel fandom like a decade back. I was a seventeen year old white boy who thought he was straight (lol) and didn’t know what to make of his Comfort thing becoming popular. I got over myself, grew the fuck up, and gained some perspective. I hope that the antis can do the same.

Like, yes, it’s annoying when a character you like is mischaracterized - but like. Just unfollow and move on, if it bothers you that much? And like I’m the case of Joe - when it’s the actor telling you how he went about his craft - what he had in his head and and how he played it… you’re gonna sit there and tell him he’s wrong?

It’s. Ridiculous. Or it would be, if it hadn’t gotten to this point.

There’s no reason to send a person hate, be they a fan or actor. For what purpose? To tell them that they’re wrong and stupid and don’t get a character like they do? Because you don’t they should enjoy a thing, because things can only be enjoyed in the way you yourself enjoy them? That makes things… very boring.

And if you’re so threatened by a person enjoying a thing, why is that?

And why do you feel the urge to try and make them feel bad about themselves, and get them to Go Away?

It all says more about them than it does us.

This has been a whole long tangent, for which I apologize, but. Thank you for the kind words, and right back at you.

[neotrances]

I just want to say that I love every single drop of parousia lore (esp stuff related to the mechanics of how your world operates/the religion and various gods of the story) and I was wondering what helps you come up w the ideas & details for the story I started writing down stuff for a comic I want to draw & uve been a huge inspiration for me bc of ur in depth anecdotes of parousia along w ur accompanying art rlly scratches the fantasy world itch in my brain that I want to do the same vibe as u

thanku!!! it’s a bit hard to put into words bc i’ve been “working” on parousia since middle school and it is essentially an entire religion that happens to have story plot on the side, gonna put the rest under a read more !

my best advice would to keep notes / songs / images that relate to what you’re making and how it ties into ur world, it’s a bit hard to help bc i’m not sure what ur comic is about but for example relating to parousia id just ask myself simple questions as if i’m already in that world, what is common belief? where is the nearest store? do i have to make my own clothes / food? is it normal to use money in this world? what does average transportation look like? is their a explanation for why the sun and moon exist in this world? do people in this world know why waves rise and crash? parousia for me is also the result of my psychosis and id often “go” there during delusions but it helps a whole lot to try and mentally put urself inside ur world and basically get rid of any preconceived ideas u have, try to make urself a blank slate! that and also think about how u want others to CONSIME ur comic, usually people make things and cant control how ppl take them in but if u think of how someone (fandom brained ppl) would approach ur content u can usually get flaws out before they become “fanon”, i want others to see parousia as a slightly off putting tale about abuse and the power of community and self sacrifice, and my main character syr has to grapple with the cards he’s been dealt and address his own cold tendencies as he unlearns what his abusive father instilled in him, for an outsider they might label syrs character as a “innocent cinnamon roll” or something to that effect, which would deeply bother me bc that is not who he is and is not the point of his character, he is supposed to represent actively working to being a better person and putting in the work to be kinder to others, he isn’t 100% innocent and he isn’t naturally pure person whose never done any wrong, but if i don’t drive that concept in thru my story people could very very easily misinterpret him and those are the kinds of things you should watch out for, u don’t want to preach thru ur characters obviously but you SHOULD make them speak for themselves and show clearly how they operate / leave little room for misconception, um anyways this is long but yeah !