#bout to learn how to right just to have my fucking ot3

[lunabeck]

It's so unfair how good NG Life by Kusanagi Mizuho is. It's so unfair how the only scans are bad and it's unfair how it's old and there's like no fandom for it and that no one talks about it. It's unfair how her other work got an anime adaptation but NG Life is RIGHT THERE being so freaking good and lends itself so well to be an anime and YET. No one talks about it. People only talk about Yona and I get it. That's good too but NG Life is one of the best stories I've ever seen told and I love it and it deserves more recognition!!!!!!!

[andyouweremine]

So a while ago, I wrote this fic, in which Rey and Ben are long time best friends who have a long distance relationship and when the pandemic hits Ben drives to Rey and brings her back home to spend some time with his family.

At the end, they decide they love each other and kiss and it’s honestly at the low end of hits for fic that I write. That’s fine with me because it was and still is a gift!fic for @ohemgeeitscoley who was just having a shit week. So I wrote her 4.5K words of Rey/Ben to cheer her up.

And in that fic, I sort of wrote out a relationship I had always sort of wondered what if about and gave it the ending I hoped to see. That ending has since not happened in real life and I’m really, truly okay with that. I got to see it, a bit, when I borrowed Rey and Ben and Han and Leia and wrote out my own ending.

I started writing The Husbands Of Felicity Smoak a few years after my mom died, right around the time I started therapy in earnest. Love it or hate it, agree with the OT3 nature of the ending or not, while writing it I sat back and dug into the grief of losing someone you loved and the possibilities of opening up your heart and life again and allowing yourself to be happy again with something new.

Yeah, it’s angsty OT3 fic, but it’s angsty OT3 fic that I needed to write at the time I was writing it—not just for all the shippy reasons, but for the personal ones I didn’t even want to acknowledge I was tapping into. It was important for me that Felicity have safety around her as she moved on. It was important to me that when Oliver proved to Not Be Dead, that she also have safety around her, that it didn’t turn into an overdramatic mess, but that these three people in this sucky situation learned to love each other and grew through it.

I wrote I Dream Of Felicity, in which Felicity is a genie trapped in a bottle because at the time I was dealing with the most severe bout of depression I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I resonated with her feeling cursed and hopeless and out of control.

Intertwined, the Mac/Riley sexpollen/fuck-or-die fic, was another way of processing feeling out of control by writing Riley into a situation where she wasn’t in control, but she had a friend close by who was willing to do anything to help her. As the series went on, the sequel became about finding yourself again after trauma. There’s sex, but as I said for the tags on all that series, there’s way too many feelings here for this to just be porn.

I could go on and on. Yes, there are things on my AO3 profile that I wrote for fun, but a lot of things I wrote because I wanted them or needed them in some way.

Beyond that, I got to share them. I didn’t have to polish them within an inch of their lives or send them to a publisher and work with an editor and go through the long arduous process of publishing and marketing a book. I just... got to upload, format, tag, and click post.

Fanfiction is, to me, a safe place to write about things I don’t want to publish professionally in any way. It’s a safe space to work out issues through my writing and let people read and work out their own issues. It’s safe because it’s anonymous. It’s safe because while people in my real life know I’ve ‘dabbled’ in fanfiction, no one knows or cares to know my username/URL. I’ve lived in that little bubble of anonymity for over 10 years, from when I posted fic of V, 2009 on ff.net and livejournal to now.

That safe, anonymous bubble popped earlier this week. And it terrified me. Even with the url change and my twitter now going private, it still sort of does. Someday I might feel safe enough to go back to the old URL, but not right now. Someday, I hope very soon, I might actually open a word document without feeling sick to my stomach, but I guess not today.

I’ll be okay. I’m not in any physical danger. There’s no risk to my job or me being physically hurt or anything like that. I don’t want to freak anybody out. 

I just never quite realized how vulnerable I was letting myself be with my fanfiction. And I don’t know how long it will take for me to get back to a place where I can tap into that vulnerability when I write. Maybe it’ll never be like it was. I really don’t know.

All that might feel a little melodramatic, but it’s where I’m at right now. I’m truly grateful to fic for being the force for good that it’s been in my life. I’m thankful that it’s given me the space to explore and discover and create.

And I wish a very very fuck you to the person who stalked their way to my AO3 username and decided to be disgusted, horrified, and appalled at a truly lovely part of my life without seeking first to understand it.

fuck you

fuck you very, very much

[cuthian]

First Lines

I was tagged by @sunsetcurveofficial ☺️ Thanks!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

from recent to older

1. A Song Only You Can Hear [established Luke/Reggie & Alex/Willie, pre-OT4 Luke/Reggie/Alex/Willie, M, 49k so far (WIP), post-canon, part of series]

Reggie had gotten used to the way Luke touched him now that they were together embarrassingly quickly and easily.

2. Love Knows Not Its Own Depth [Alex/Reggie, M, 13k (WIP), pre-canon]

Willie had been a ghost long enough to have established a certain routine.

3. They Say That Only The Dead Have Seen The End of War [Rey/Ben Solo (Kylo Ren) & Poe/Finn, T, 27k (COMPLETE), post-canon]

Black One touched down safely, and Poe could see several ground technicians rushing towards him immediately, could almost feel the elation and excitement in the air.

4. Music Gives Color [Luke/Reggie, T, 2k (COMPLETE), canon-divergence]

Reggie hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking about soulmates in general.

5. Unfinished Business [Alex/Reggie, past Alex/Luke M, 26k (COMPLETE), pre-canon, part of series]

See, Alex… Alex was fine with the breakup.

6. Becoming a Memory, Becoming a Treasure [Luke/Reggie & Alex/Willie, T, 17k (COMPLETE), post-canon, part of series]

“You sure you want me to do this?”

7. Love Does Not Divide [established Alex/Reggie, pre-OT3 (Alex/Reggie/Luke) M, 7k (unpublished WIP), alternate universe]

After her husband had gotten a job in Los Angeles, he had ensured that the house they moved into was in a good neighborhood, right on the edge of the beach and close to a church their minister had referred them to and close to several of the best rated public schools in the area.

8. Dancing in the Rain [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Becca Barnes (OFC), M, 38k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

"Rebecca Barnes resigns as Earth’s ambassador to Asgard after pregnancy leak."

9. Starting Over [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Becca Barnes (OFC), T, 50k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

Steve liked going for a run in the morning.

10. Firecracker [Bucky/Steve, T, 6k (WIP), alternate universe (Omegaverse)]

Everyone had told Winnie that she might’ve been able to win the Governorship on a campaign based on emotional honesty, but she would never be able to win the Presidency the same way.

11. Called to No Account for His Crimes [Charles Blackwood/Ransom Drysdale, M, 2k (COMPLETE), alternate universe]

Alright, so this hadn’t been a part of his plans, and it certainly hadn’t been his intention to actually go to prison, but here he was, waiting for his incompetent fuck of a lawyer to get him out on bail, at the very least.

12. The Same Star [Bucky/Steve, M, 32k (COMPLETE), alternate universe (Omegaverse), part of a series]

In the years following the Third, nearly apocalyptic, World War in the early 2020s, followed by the Energy Revolution and the Nairobi Peace Accords, Earth and its inhabitants learned to accept and love its own diversity.

13. Beat the Bastards [Bucky/Steve, E, 26k (COMPLETE), alternate universe]

Sarah sat on the floor in her dank little cell, staring at the fragile pages Dr. Zola had given her, filled with notes on all that she remembered of Abraham’s research.

14. Dancing With a Limp [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Loki, M, 10k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

“I thought you were a dream,” Bucky had whispered, confided, once they’d managed to secure their own tent after Azzano, after Steve had relearned how to kiss Bucky, how to touch him, how to love him with his new hands and new body—after Bucky had spent an appropriate amount of time doing the same to him.

15. Chances [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Loki & Thor/Becca Barnes (OFC), G, 7k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

He hadn’t had much time to himself after he’d returned to the camp with Bucky and four hundred other former prisoners of war in tow. He’d not expected such avid responses from his superiors, and he had most definitely not expected to be patted on the back.

16. Decisions [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Loki, T, 5k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

The air itself still tasted of electricity and the stench of burnt ozone lingered in his nostrils.

17. Never Feel Alone [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Loki & Natasha Romanoff/Becca Barnes (OFC), M, 28k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

The new mission is complicated.

18. All the Art of Living [Bucky/Steve & past Thor/Steve, T, 3k (COMPLETE), alternate universe]

His ears were ringing and his head was pounding, and he could taste the sharp tang of blood on his tongue.

19. Anam Cara [Bucky/Steve, M, 29k (COMPLETE), alternate universe]

Steve was little still, recovering from a bout of pneumonia, and feeling quite cross at being deprived of the opportunity to go outside and play hide and seek, like the neighbor boys Fintan and Gilroy.

20. In Hell We Stand By You [Bucky/Steve & Thor/Loki & Natasha Romanoff/Becca Barnes (OFC), T, 40k (COMPLETE), alternate universe, part of a series]

There was music playing, somewhere in the distance, a jingling tune that Steve couldn’t identify for the life of him.

I had a lot of fun listing these up, and it was interesting to look for patterns in my own writing 😅 I feel like I mostly start with active observations, with statements! I have an absurd amount of Stucky fic too - I'm actually surprised at myself there. 😅☺️ Julie and the Phantoms is coming in as a close second though, holy shit 😅

Thanks again to @sunsetcurveofficial for tagging me, this was so much fun to do!

Alright, so I'll tag: @juuls @buckyrhodey @merihn and uh... just anyone who wants to, I guess!

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Miracle Job

leverage 1.04

Eliot: That was the worst night of my life.

Parker: Come on, man, you've been in worse situations.

[Flashback]

(money is thrown on the table while a man loads one bullet in a gun and spins the barrel. He points it at Eliot’s head and pulls the trigger. Eliot flinches, but the gun does not go off)

[Leverage Kitchen]

Eliot: No. no, that was the worst.

what a dramatic little bitch

,,, also I’m always down for wacky eliot flashbacks

- - - - -

Parker: That’s St. Nicholas?

Hardison: Yes.

Parker: Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot: He’s not Santa Claus.

and the saga of parker loving christmas beGINS

- - - - -

Hardison: You think that we just gonna walk into some random tunnel and find some cholos just all yoked up? You know?

Eliot: Hardison—

(gang bangers follow Eliot and Hardison into the tunnel)

Hardison: "Yo, holmes, let me fix my do rag..."

Eliot: Dude, quiet. Listen. (turns around) Boys. We don't want any trouble. All right? We just want some answers.

Gang Leader: How's this answer?

(the Gang Leader holds his shirt aside to show the gun tucked in his waistband. Eliot reaches out and puts his hand on the gun, cocking it)

eliot’s bde move? how the fuck do you even RECOVER from that???

(another gang member pulls a gun and points it in Eliot’s face)

Eliot: You seeing this, Hardison?

Hardison: Yeah, the--the situation has my attention, yes.

Eliot: You see that's why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. See, most guys make one mistake. They get too close.

(Eliot grabs the gun and head butts the gang member, emptying the gun and dropping it on the ground)

eliot hates guns and I love him for that

Eliot: Who rolled... a priest?

Gang Leader: We didn't beat up no priest. We are not monsters.

(Hardison notices a third gang member moving restlessly. He hits the man in the shoulder, and the man goes down in pain. Eliot grabs the gun from the Gang Leader’s waistband)

Hardison: Dislocated shoulder's a biatch. Priest gave him that.

Gang Leader: You beat up a priest? (looks at Eliot) Do you mind?

Eliot (hands him the gun): Be my guest.

Gang Leader: (points gun at gang member) You got a long penance ahead of you. Start by answering the man's questions. Now!

Eliot: Who hired you?

Gang Member: I don't know. I got a call on my cell with an offer, and I called him back after the job was done. He paid me. That's all I know. I swear.

Hardison: You got a number?

(Gang Member pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to Hardison)

Eliot: Can you do something with that?

Hardison: Seven digits. I could find you on Mars.

Eliot: Gentlemen, we'll leave you to your internal affairs. Come on.

(they walk away, out of the tunnel)

Hardison: How 'bout that? Man, you-you see me?

Eliot: He was injured.

Hardison: Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche

me too hardison

also LMFAO eliot is so done with you you’re lucky he already has imprinted in you

- - - - -

Sophie: What is that you just took?

Grant: Xanax.

[Construction Site]

Grant: For my nerves.

Parker: Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.

(Hardison looks at Parker in surprise)

Eliot: You gave him speed?

Hardison: He beat up a priest.

hardison and eliot went from scandalized to mmm, seems fair REAL QUICK

- - - - -

Eliot: How do you know all this stuff?

Nate: I went to school with father Paul. to, uh...seminary school.

(they enter Nate’s office. Eliot hands Sophie a cup of coffee)

Eliot: So you dropped out of priest school to become a -- an insurance cop? And now you're the leader of a band of thieves. Nice.

I love eliot

- - - - -

Hardison: Y-you-you’re a catholic who wants to fake a miracle. I’m pretty sure that puts us in moral-sin territory.

Eliot: So now you're religious, too?

Hardison: No, no, I’m not denominational. It’s just, I never do anything my nana said "don't do." This, what we doin', it just don't seem right.

additionally, the hardison loving his nana saga begins

- - - - -

Nate: Give Hardison anything he needs.

Hardison: As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.

Nate: Ah, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out, you know, how to fake a miracle.

(Eliot laughs)

Hardison: We all going to hell

eliot being a little shit to hardison? always iconic

- - - - -

Grant (entering room): Yes, ma’am, thank you for your opinion. (hangs up) Ok, I just received a threatening phone call -- from a nun!

G O O D

- - - - -

I love the shots where the ot3 walks together they cute as hell

- - - - -

Hardison: Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? I’m gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

Parker: Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?

hardison having a freak out meanwhile parker’s just trying her best

+ bonus: another hidden talent of parker’s is that she knows obscure things like greek gods

- - - - -

BIBLETOPIA

+

tomas is so fucking done with andy

- - - - -

Hardison: Bibletopia?

Sophie: The man cannot be stopped!

Parker: It’s like everything we throw at him just makes him stronger.

Eliot: Kind of admire him, though. My nephew would like Bibletopia.

Hardison: Oh, no, see? This is what happens when you mess with god. He raises up your enemies with his right hand, and he smites you with his left.

ELIOT META: he has at least one sibling and a nephew fic writers take n o t e

poor hardison is having a Time™ in this episode

- - - - -

Hardison: I hope this is the part where you suggest prayer.

Nate: No, the weeping statue of St. Nicholas is not gonna be stolen. It's gonna miraculously disappear in the middle of tomorrow's mass.

Sophie: I’m sorry?

Nate: In front of the priest, the Vatican, the entire congregation.

Sophie: Have you learned nothing, Nate?

Nate: How much does the statue weigh?

Hardison: About 900 pounds.

Nate: Good.

Hardison: I am so sorry, nana.

let hardison REST

- - - - -

both the boys clipping the gear on parker? thievery hijinks ot3 domesticity

- - - - -

HARDISON AND ELIOT DID THEIR FIRST HANDSHAKE

- - - - -

the little girl calling parker an angel? same

- - - - -

eliot hyping up the crowd lmfao

- - - - -

Grant (to Sophie): Kristi, save me, huh? You can spin this, right? instead of, uh, "felony," maybe soften it to, uh, “controversy" or something.

(cops continue to pull Grant away as press follows)

Sophie: You know, when you say "controversy," I always hear "attention”.

*john mulaney voice* sophie is a bitch and I L O V E H E R

- - - - -

(Nate looks at the candles along one wall and walks over to them. He lights a candle as the rest of the team waits. After a moment he rejoins them and they walk toward the door)

Hardison: Look at that. Saved a church.

Parker: It’s like Christmas. See? I told you St. Nicholas is Santa Claus.

Sophie: No, he's not, Parker.

Parker: Well, who is he, then?

Sophie: St. Nicholas… is the patron saint of thieves.

the team is always there to support each other pass it on

+

patron saint of thieves? ICONIQUE

[svt-writers-club]

Welcome back!!! Ask 5, #33 or #37, have u ever thought abt a hanahaki au? ;)

one day you will regret the things that you ask from me. i’m not sure today is that day, but i’ll try to make it so. since there’s no pairing stated, i’m gonna sprinkle in some of my fave ship with my fave boi and make it an ot3 for extra pain.

i’m gonna cram in a little hipster cafe au too, because why not.

#37: “Don’t! Don’t come near me!”

The first petal that falls from Seungkwan’s lips is yellow.

It’s yellow and its scent is mild. It looks almost pristine, innocently sitting in his palm after a cough that rattled Seungkwan’s insides. He stares at it – half in dread and half in confusion – before snapping out of it when Jeonghan calls for him. They’re in the middle of rehearsals, Jihoon handing them a new song to learn. There’s a duet for Jeonghan and Jisoo, a duet for Seungkwan and Seokmin and a solo for Jihoon. There is no time to ponder the petal, so he crushes it in his hand and prays it’s a mistake.

But of course it’s not a mistake.

It’s a chrysanthemum – yellow, for slighted love.

Seungkwan has chrysanthemums growing in his lungs, all for Jihoon.

It’s Jihoon – it has to be. Seungkwan has been nursing a crush on Jihoon, since the first day the elder set eyes on him on the streets of Hongdae and said, “You have a voice I’d love to write songs for.”

(Honestly, who even says that to people? Sure, Jihoon has this unnerving ability to be stupidly blunt all the time and have absolutely no shame about the things he says.)

It starts with a crush – a little spark of a crush that started because Jihoon is a songwriter and accidentally says pretty words to unsuspecting men. It’s a spark that bursts into a flame because Jihoon writes pretty songs that match Seungkwan’s pretty voice and Jihoon says cutting words but soothes them with cake and hot chocolate after.

The flame blazes and burns, scorching Seungkwan from the inside out. With every touch and gentle word, with time in the studio where it’s just the two of them and rehearsals where Jihoon’s focus is solely on Seungkwan, he aches and he longs and he loves.

Seungkwan always knew that falling for Jihoon would end in pain. He just didn’t expect it to end in petals filling his lungs.

In a way, it’s poetic; it’s a death that fits the artistry that encompasses every bit of Jihoon’s life. Of course he’d kill Seungkwan with pretty flowers too.

It’s when the white petals join the chrysanthemums that Seungkwan knows he’s well and truly fucked.

It takes him a moment to understand why the white poppy petals (consolation) join the chrysanthemum he’s still coughing out. He’s watching Seungcheol and Jihoon flirt in their unique way – Seungcheol calls Jihoon short and Jihoon calls Seungcheol an idiot, then they exchange secret grins that belie just how much they care about each other.

Seungkwan watches Seungcheol and his heart aches just as another cough wracks his entire body. He coughs out a handful of petals – and the first couple white petals mixed amongst the yellow sends shivers down Seungkwan’s spine.

He spends too long staring at the handful of petals – still a handful, because it’s been three days since the first petal – and jumps when Seungcheol wanders over, concern in his eyes.

“Hey, are you okay?” Seungcheol asks.

Seungkwan immediately shoves the petals into his pocket, plastering a smile onto his face. “I’m fine, just a tickle!” He coughs again, a light fake thing to throw him off the scent.

Seungkwan nearly jumps again when Seungcheol leans in close and presses a warm hand to Seungkwan’s forehead. “Hm,” the elder hums, “you don’t feel warm.”

“I’m fine,” Seungkwan croaks, the lie as bitter as the petals are sweet when they rest on his tongue, right before he spews them out.

Falling in love with Seungcheol is like sitting in a pot of cold water being heated over fire. At first, their relationship is strictly employer/employee. Then, Seungkwan stumbles his way into the cafe after a shitty blind date Seokmin forced him on and Seungcheol is there. He’s there, with his warm smile and even warmer hugs. He offers Seungkwan coffee and a listening ear and suddenly, they’re friends.

They’re friends and Seungcheol hangs out with Seungkwan. They text and they have inside jokes. The next thing Seungkwan knows, Seungcheol is always there, with a quick smile and even quicker skinship.

Seungkwan doesn’t notice the water is boiling until he’s in too deep and he’s daydreaming of caramel kisses and quiet I love yous in the back room.

The thing about Jihoon and Seungcheol is that they’re the love story. They’ve known each other since high school and stuck together through college. They even set up a cafe together – Sweet Notes – and anyone with eyes can tell they’re in love with each other (even if they’re both oblivious fools).

There’s no space for Seungkwan between them.

He doesn’t even pretend there is. Seungkwan can’t bring himself to be that delusional. It’ll hurt him more in the end.

Of course, he can get corrective surgery. All it’ll take is one little procedure and the flowers will be gone. He can breathe and he can stop the pain – but it’ll mean he’ll never feel romantic love again. He’ll never feel the flutter of his heartbeat when Jihoon and Seungcheol walk in, the warmth that spread through his body when Jihoon smiles at him and tells him a job well done, the silent joy when Seungcheol wraps an arm around his shoulders.

Seungkwan has a brochure lying on his bed. A little brain surgery and he’ll never have to worry about unrequited love again.

It takes him a week before he throws it into the trash can.

It progresses fast. Too fast.

The body isn’t meant to withstand so much heartache. Unrequited love from one person is already bad enough. Most people can last maybe three months with hanahaki disease.

Seungkwan’s doctor says it’s a miracle if he’ll see the end of the month.

The chrysanthemums and the poppies grow in his lungs, feeding off his misery. It scares him, but he supposes it’s not really all that different from knowing the two men you love will never love you back, all because they’re too wrapped up in each other. Seungkwan can’t even resent them for it, because he’s stupid and in love. At least when he’s gone, they won’t mourn him. They’ll have each other, after all.

Seungkwan leans against the toilet bowl. He reaches up with a shaky hand, flushing the yellow and white petals down. His head hurts, a headache building behind his eyelids. He hasn’t been able to sleep, the coughing keeping him up. He’s stopped cleaning up the petals, the yellow and white scattered amongst his bedsheets. The crushed flower petals lend a sickly, floral scent to his home. He leaves them as a reminder – of his sentimentality, of his stupidity.

He can’t go to rehearsal today. He just can’t.

It takes him twenty minutes to drag himself out of the bathroom. Seungkwan collapses into bed and types a bleary message to… well, he’s not sure who. Probably Seokmin, who’s been nagging him about taking care of himself. Seokmin doesn’t know – no one knows, and he’d like to keep it that way. He hasn’t even told Hansol, who’s his best friend in the whole world.

Maybe he should. The doctor said he might not see the end of the month. He’s already two weeks in. Seungkwan toys with the idea of sending in his resignation and spending the next two weeks getting his affairs in order. He doesn’t have a will written up, but… well. It’s about time he thought about it.

He lets his eyes flutter shut.

The pounding at the door doesn’t wake him. The sudden bout of coughing does. He coughs and coughs, the cloud of petals that emerges enough to almost choke him. He’s drowning in petals and the door opens.

Seungkwan looks up, trying to make out the figure through the film of tears. He tries to cover his mouth, but the petals slip through his fingers, fluttering innocently in front of him. Crimson stains the yellow and white.

“Hyung,” Seungkwan croaks, curling in on himself as Seungcheol watches in horror.

“What the hell is going on here?” Seungcheol demands. He takes a step into Seungkwan’s room – his room with the flowers and the blood and evidence of his own failure.

“Don’t! Don’t come near me!”

“Seungkwan – ”

“Please,” he croaks. Copper and chrysanthemum rests on his tongue. He lets out a rattling breath, curling into a ball. “Please. Don’t come near me. I can’t – ”

“Can – is there anything I can do?” Seungcheol asks, a hint of desperation in his voice. He’s still in the doorway, keeping a respectful distance.

All Seungkwan wants is to burrow himself into Seungcheol’s arms and cry and cry. He wants to let himself be comforted, but Seungcheol’s isn’t his to have and he can’t stop thinking about (wanting) Jihoon too.

“No,” Seungkwan answers, burying his face in his hands so Seungcheol can’t see him cry. “Just – go away.”

“Kwannie – ”

“Go away! I don’t want to see you or – or Jihoon hyung. Get out!”

Those are lies. They tear at his throat and he’s not sure if the pain is from the flowers slowly killing him or the words he’s spitting out. He wants to see them. He wants to tell them the truth – I’m so in love with both of you that it’s literally killing me – just so they can pretend to love him for a little while.

Seungcheol stands in the doorway for a good long while, watching Seungkwan curl into a ball on his petal-covered bed. Then, he walks away. The door shuts behind him quietly and Seungkwan cries and cries.

Feel free to ask me more of these ship asks here!

[solarprophecy]

my thoughts on Rise of Skywalker

spoilers ahead, obviously

I should probably say first that when it comes to Star Wars I’m a casual. That is, I’ve seen all the films at least once and enjoyed them, but I haven’t read any of the books (except the novelizations of Episodes IV–VI) or comics and it’s not a fandom I’m really in. Just FYI.

I went into it thinking—based on snippets of reviews I’d heard—the movie was going to suck big time. Perhaps because of my low expectations, however, I really enjoyed it. Of course it wasn’t the best film ever. Of course a lot of it didn’t make much sense (e.g. “these ships that are already in the air and not crashing into each other simply cannot do anything useful without a constant navigation signal from this one source” etc.). But the Force wasn’t any dumber or more self-contradictory than it always is, imho, and I was sufficiently entertained.

In no particular order, some aspects that struck me:

I think it sucks balls that Ben Solo died. He should have been given the opportunity to live a better life, on the side of the good guys. I suppose, though, if he’s a Force Ghost on Luke’s level—not just able to talk to and be seen by the living, but to actually be able to affect and manipulate real objects too—then that’s better than nothing. But yeah, he should have lived. And he and Rey should have had a chance to interact in real life without fighting.

At one point, someone says that the little wheel droid—K.O., B.O., whatever his name is lol—has some super important info about the First Order. What did that turn out to be? I don’t recall what came of that, if anything.

I LOVE the 3-way Finn/Poe/Rey hug at the end. I am so glad the filmmakers didn’t opt to arbitrarily lock down a pairing there. Now you can interpret things as Finn/Poe, Finn/Rey, Poe/Rey, or, best of all, OT3—’bout time that [something that could be interpreted as] a healthy poly relationship was shown in a big movie.

I have always thought Adam Driver was a good actor (and holy GOD is he a good actor), but I never had a thing for him. I can feel that changing. I am about to have a huge thing for Adam Driver

Chewie finally got a medal! I dunno if they gave him Luke or Han’s old medal or a brand new one, but who cares—he got a medal!!

Chewie’s grief over Leia’s death absolutely destroyed me. You never really think about them caring much about each other or interacting much—or at least I, a casual viewer, never did—so seeing him utterly devastated by her death was really moving.

I liked the ‘Good Rey fights imaginary(?) Evil Rey’ scene. It was just like when Luke tried to kill Vader under the spooky tree on Dagobah and ‘Vader’ turned out to have Luke’s own face.

I loved how they ask Hux why he’s helping them, and he’s all “I don’t give a fuck if you win, I just want Kylo Ren to lose.” That was honest and a good moral lesson, I think. Hux was the Snape of this movie, and like Snape he wasn’t actually a good person and did a lot of awful shit that he maybe can’t be forgiven for. But—again, like Snape—he also did a few things that were very right and helped the good guys win. If we’re supposed to learn that no one is 100% good or 100% bad and that it is people’s choices that define them, then I think Hux and Snape are good examples of some good choices that were made by shitty people, and which did not diminish their other dickish actions...but which deserve to be acknowledged as good choices nonetheless.

There’s really only one part that I hated, and that is that Leia’s body vanished at the same that Ben’s did. That makes me worry that what actually happened isn’t that Ben truly repented and came over to the light side, but that Leia was basically possessing him and controlling his actions through the whole ending. Cuz that would suck and completely remove his agency/redemption. ...Hopefully it just means that she waited for him so they could disappear together, and mother and son were reunited in death.

I can tell I’m gonna get all up in the reylo tag on AO3. I need another OTP like I need a hole in my head. Sigh. 

[at-the-exd-of-everythixg]

K let's knock this brain cell around the peanut cage

Wulf ends up falling from a height that even Asgardians can't really heal from easily - its funny because Rhys obviously can't carry a man that big,,,I think,,,

Wulf and Edith go back home and whoop Rhys is probably never going to see him again cause of dumb rules so it ends up becoming a matter of home or heart.

Possibly can happen in the power swap but Dae's boss coming and working up a deal that can end with one of them going back to a torture house.

Dae gets too cuddly and WHOOP suddenly Rhys is getting some toxic spit and dealing with crystals spreading and the guilt of his boy??? Unreal.

Leaning towards more of his hallucinogenic side but Rhys accidentally consuming some of Dae's spit and Dae having a freak out that has an affect on Rhys (I probably have more details to go on about the effects if this wasn't three am rn)

Dae in the middle of removing some of his diamonds and its really messy and emotional for him and old memories surface and just,,,,bringing up some of Rhys's locked away memories?? (By that I probs mean when he was actually locked away and not dealing with amnesia,,,,unless he is??)

Dae has a fight with Peach and heads to Rhys half drowned and panicked. Could also work with Rhys meeting Peach by accident or confrontation just going to the mysterious place Dae lives??? Possibly more there to chit chat about.

Mahogany going too far and accidentally taking a proper bite into Rhys oof get a bandage son.

Magni getting shot and could either get a bit more feral and refuse to go back or just gets worse and somehow Rhys finds them impaled in the forest????? Posisbly more.

Rhys finds Mahogany in the middle of a very late night and very human snacc, body horror wh oop.

Kinda drafting away but flicker back to your exotic being verse and possible Rhys being a buyer of a genuine wendigo or alien, heck, could be a prize? Dae gets sold as decoration lmao like a lava lamp. Oof maybe Rhys gets sold for his first time mhm mmHM

Kay Sal lives his worst fear again and explodes near Rhys, might cause some heavy damage and brings up the previous people he's hurt. U know,,,,memories bout why he couldn't love.

Sick Sal (slick hehe) but hitting into the alien bit where he's stuck by antimatter (check A-force, Singularity vs Anitmatter G) and woof Sal shifting red feaatures and suddenly he's struggling to move and in lots of pain and he's lost his only brain cell

At this point I'm brainwaving at some nutjob getting a "d a t e" with Sal and maybe he's just had a fight with Rhys so he's cocky and a bully but whoop suddenly said nutjob is trying to dissect him and he's coming back with his gut sliced up but its hitting more of my body horror love so.

Rhys having a freak out and slicing at any one of his partners with shadows. Emotional torment of having his partner stand and watch him while blood starts to drip.

Rhys ends up at Dae's boss's place and gets to see what exactly his bf's been though all those years (could also lead to amnesia stuff) could lead to lots of body horror depending on comfort levels

Amnesia Rhys or Dae getting to meet and deal with each other >:3 lots of scenarios and discussions

Dae and Rhys getting into a fight and Rhys gets to see the muscle reflex Dae has for the first time (aka Dae getting real upset when he suddenly can't talk and knows that the man he loves recuxed him to silence. Hoo hooo I'm sleeping well soon)

Rhys meeting Ava or Dahlia because God I'm snorting at him seeing a possible monster or Ava attacking him and he's torn between "I'm being attacked by a vampire" and "why can't it be Dae who's aggressively biting my neck"

Back to the person selling thing except Rhys gets sold to Sal's planet ironically and possibly meets his mum??

UwU away from angst but au where people get bridal sacrifices or whatever and Rhys gets Mahogany and its mostly an excuse for me to wendigo world build.

Wulf gets more and more strained and panicked after Rhys gets hurt somehow and he doesn't know how to voice his worries of his smaller love and he just gets more wound up and upset as time goes on.

More on that? Wulf causing a tornado or hurricane or whatever is more wind themed and Rhys gets nervous feelings or what his boyfriend's like when he's real mad and just slow feelings about Rhys getting hurt??

Side note but I'm fucking inhaling at another wendigo getting into Magni and leaving a cow heart or smth and they're just panicked heart eyes and Rhys is just "what the fuck its three am" (3:30 am rn sobs)

Ksy ending with some quick cute morning ideas

Wulf waking Rhys up early for chores and he's wearing dumb tight clothes to lure Rhys out.

Rhys meeting Honkers when he gets a face full of angry duck because Daddy forgot to wake up early enough curse his long sleeping dumb bf who makes the bed so enticing.

Mahogany getting into bed with Rhys and it's a nightmare because they went out and now the bed is so cold.

Rhys waking up and realising that if tempted, Sal can and will stay inside his shirts and just cling like a koala. He's an alien, he has no weight to worry about and if Rhys loves him then he'll do this.

Kay double quick but some sort of happy au where Sal is trying to give dating a go and it's just nervous baby who throws up before literally every date

Nsfw where same au and Sal giving any form of control to Rhys but I can't stop laughing about Sal constantly shifting and trying to fight a good position because "no that's not right" and Rhys just "I'm going to wear u as a dick warmer if u don't stay still-"

Kay kay but even funnier is Rhys going and taking Magni into their first building and it's a pet supply store (gotta get meat where u can take it) and he learns the hard way that Magni Will and Can eat those many boxes of bugs you always see at pets at home.

Extra and for sure last one but delirious funny thoughts of OT3 and Sal screaming at Rhys and u have two tiny boys grabbing their toll wendigo lover as they proceed to eat an entire box of larvae.

EXTRA LAST but Rhys finding out the hard way that Dae can also eat anything thanks to his acid mouth and sitting in horror as Dae proceeds to burn and eat a plate what the fuck.

@blind-mutant

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hello! Can I get a self ship, please? I ship myself with Remus Lupin and Sirius Black (preferably in a polyamorous relationship). If you still have my description from my matchup request, you can just use that. If you need more details, please let me know. Thank you so much!!!

Interests- writing poetry, doing my makeup, listening to show tunes, hanging out with friends, reading fanfiction, making up stories in my head watching movies and tv shows

 Likes- being dramatic, correcting people, being right, learning new things, being able to bitch with certain people, making people smile, music, alone time, being the center of attention with certain people, shiny/sparkly things, wearing black, wearing dark makeup 

 Dislikes- being told to stop being dramatic, homophobic people/comments, being wrong, people who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, being crowded, being alone with people who I don’t know, being in large social situations, being alone for a prolonged period of time 

 What you look for in someone- as a person with severe anxiety and depression, I look for someone who will be patient and understanding with me; willing to learn how to help me through anxiety attacks and long bouts of depression. I also look for someone who is dominant. I need someone who can take charge of a situation and make decisions. I need someone who will take care of me when I can’t take care of myself. I want someone who is passionate, protective, and sincere. I also look for someone who will understand my love languages, which are quality time and receiving gifts. I am a very shy, quiet person. I don’t really talk that much and don’t like to socialize. Once I’m comfortable around you, you’ll learn I’m also dramatic, creative, analytical, loyal, honest, protective, and a bit of a bitch at times. I tend to be drawn to the people that others are scared of. I always look for the good in people, and am not quick to judge. Although I’m a very kind person, I’m not quick to trust. And once you’ve broken my trust, it’s extremely hard to earn it back. In addition to my general anxiety, I also have social anxiety. I can’t be in a group of people without someone I know and trust. It doesn’t matter what kind of social situation it is; if someone I know and trust isn’t there, I’ll be very uncomfortable and might have a panic attack. If I’m alone in a large group of people, I feel like everyone is looking at me, talking about me, judging me, crowding me, suffocating me. It sucks. I generally don’t like talking to people I don’t know. The only exceptions to this are if they start talking about a fandom I like, or if they start spewing incorrect facts about one of my fandoms. I get made fun of a lot for being quite, which really annoys me. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, I’m just scared of making a fool out of myself and I freeze up. That, or I don’t feel like I have anything to add to the conversation and choose to remain quiet, which makes people think I’m weird.

I love writing OT3 requests! Hope you like this and that it brings you some comfort and/or smiles. As specified in a DM - they’re dating you but not each other, set during the Marauder Era! 

- Okay omg your hobbies are right up their streets! I headcanon that Sirius is heavily into Broadway so he knows all the lyrics and will spontaneously break out into song and dance, no matter where you all are. If he feels like dancing and singing, he will. Remus tends to face-palm but he can’t help but smile when he sees you enjoying yourself, especially if you join in with Sirius. When you’re in your own head daydreaming, the boys tend to leave you there… Or, Remus does. Because he’s studying. Whereas Sirius is the type to throw himself - and I mean, launch himself at you from the other side of the time kinda throw - into your lap and beg for your attention. On quieter days later on in Hogwarts, he’ll curl up beside you as Padfoot, instead.

- Yes ohmygoodness okay bitching is one of Sirius’ favourite things to do. He engages in all the gossip around Hogwarts and is usually the caue of it all, if we’re being honest, and he makes sure that you and Remus are caught up on it too.

“Hey, Remus, did you know about Marl -”

*Sigh* “Yes, Sirius, we know, that’s the fifth time today!”

“Hey, Erika, do you know - “

“Sirius!!”

Not only that, but the three of you, being in an openly poly relationship, tend to be the centre of gossip. Sirius and Remus couldn’t care less, they’re two of the four Marauders (six if you count the two honourary members; you and Lily), but if it ever got to you, they’d be there with withering glares and snapped comments that effectively roast the poor sod who dared to try to offend you.

- As you all get older and James spends more time with Lily and Peter mysteriously disappears for long hours at a time, you’re all left to your own devices so you’d become their entire world. Both are quite possessive - one’s a werewolf, one’s a dog - so it’s almost built into them but they do their best to never fight about you in front of you because that’s the last thing you’d ever need to see. If one started to monopolise you, a quick glance would make them step back and let the balance be restored, as it were, but generally they’re at the friendship stage of not knowing who’s clean underwear is whose, so there’s rarely a problem.

- You would be their biggest shared priority, even for Remus who typically prefers to study. You’re his girlfriend and Sirius is his best friend so really, what more could he ask for? if either you or Sirius are unhappy, Remus is right there to do what he can or either or both of you. If Remus is unhappy then naturally you and Sirius are there for him too. There’s so much balance and love in this poly, it’s unreal.

- They’d never let anyone, including each other, say something homophobic or generally rude to you. Woe betide anyone who tries because like I said, they’d be roasted and probably Cursed into next month. They’d also be sure that one of them is always with you at any given time unless you specify that you want to be alone or if they’re both busy with detentions or lessons. If they’re in detentions it’s almost guaranteed that you are too, even if you have to deliberately get detention rather than get caught for what they did or didn’t do.

- Both boys know anxiety and depression because they both have it, Sirius because of his family and Remus because of his furry little problem so you’re always well-looked after, all three of you. You all know each other’s triggers and you all know how to comfort each other, so there’s never any need to hide (looking at you, Remus). You had to learn but the boys already knew and they were happy to show you what they both needed in any given situation.

- Both boys can and will take charge of you when they need to. Remus tends to be more subtle - “Erika, please eat something. For me?” and he’d hold out a huge chunk of chocolate, smiling at you kindly in a way that only gives a hint of him doing it as a professor, and Sirius tends to be mroe obvious about it - “why aren’t you eating?” *adds more toast to your breakfast plate* Both are passionate so woo boi, any NSFW stuff you all do is heaaaaaavy asf! ;) 

- Sirius tends to spoil you bothwith gifts and you and Remus prefer to share chocolate and spend time together. They love how you are when you’re comfortable and when you’re in a social situation one of them stays by your side at all times to make sure you’re comfortable and if you need to get out, they’ll take you straight out, no questions asked. If Sirius whines, Remus glares and you all go.

- People tend to avoid Sirius because of his last name and the affliations it has but Remus is well-known and loved. Neither can tell you just how much they appreciate how you got to know them for who they are not what people tell you they are and for that, you see sides to them that no one else will ever get to see. 

- Remus likes to kiss your cheek and hug you from behind but Sirius loves giving and receiving neck kisses and hugging you from the front so sometimes you’re the filling of a Marauder Hug Sandwich, especially if James comes from behind one of you and attaches himself to the three of you, mock-crying about being left out of the group hug. It really is just such a loving, fulfilling and supportive relationship and the boys can’t imagine their lives without you.

@bingewatchingmylifegoby