#brains just not been in the creative zone for whatever reasons | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatblackboianarchist · 3 years

Text

Giftedness is a Spook

I personally think giftedness is a stupid concept. Basically, it’s the idea that certain children, so folks under the age of 18, are “smarter” in some general or abstract sense than others, or more competent, more talented, more skilled, “better thinkers”, whatever. This concept originated pretty much in the 19th and 20th centuries, where we began consolidating under the “intelligence” label and categorizing people based on “how smart” and “how dumb” they are. There is a lot of baggage associated with the term giftedness, a lot of it historical and bigoted, so let’s investigate and such.

The most used definition of giftedness is having an IQ score above 130, or two standard deviations above the mean of 100. Though this historical definition has faced lots of criticism, since it is clearly possible to have superior ability in some domain without having a conventionally high IQ score, such as in the arts, or debating and public speaking, or sports, or chess, or really anything really.

Due to the fact that the “IQ above 130” definition of giftedness falls short of actually capturing all high-achieving children, most modern gifted education programmes no longer use this as the sole indicator of giftedness, and rather adopt a more multidisciplinary approach. Now, most simply look for superior skill or talent in one or more key areas, which can be art, or sports, or leadership, and attempt to cultivate that, as well as looking for people with a generally higher IQ than the average in their age group.

The issue with this approach is that it views giftedness as some sort of intrinsic, fully general, conserved property that is only found in certain sects of the population, and thus categorizes people into “gifted” and “non-gifted”. This categorization falls short in part due to the existence of “twice-exceptional” students, who are gifted in one area, but require unique accommodations in other areas. So it appears that it is possible to be “gifted” and “non-gifted” at the same time, so just how useful is this concept?

What’s more, giftedness often focuses on general cognitive traits, such as gifted children have greater white matter density, or faster information processing speed, or hear sounds faster, or think more critically, but from my perspective, these just seem to be variations in human characteristics, in the same way that some children are taller than others or start puberty earlier than others. Everyone develops at their own pace and there are plenty of people who develop out of the norm, especially since concepts of child development almost always exclude neurodivergent children and their different cognitive and psychosocial milestones.

And they are not necessarily NATURAL or inevitable variations in human characteristics either. All the traits associated with intelligence - information processing speed, critical thinking, white and grey matter density, working memory capacity, creativity, executive functions, enhanced senses - are heavily influenced by societal factors.

For instance, a child that has been well-fed since birth is obviously going to have a more developed brain with a higher capacity for all those things than a child that has suffered chronic hunger. A child that receives nurturing and good parents is going to have a more developed brain a child that receives abusive and neglectful parents. A child that grows up in a war zone is going to be different cognitively and intellectually than a child that grows up in a relatively peaceful location.

And those developmental consequences aren’t always natural in the sense that they are innate, they are artificial, engineered by politicians, corporations, and a society that absolutely refuses to take the suffering of children seriously. Yet the children who have been disadvantaged by this abusive society are unlikely to be categorized as gifted. These children show lower scores on IQ tests and the school system thinks they’re dumb, or worse “average”. These children don’t show superior performance in any particular area, there must be something wrong with them, they’re not “special” like these gifted kids other here. They don’t need special help, they just have to follow the curriculum for the regular or the *gasp* dumb kids, geta 9-to-5 job, and wait 50 years to retire, they won’t be these gifted kids that change the world.

LAME. This is lame. This is the wrong way to think about the differences that exist between children. And what’s worse, it’s so definite and unchanging, as if the traits associated with intelligence cannot be changed. As if we can’t help children with their working memory capacity, or their creativity, or their critical thinking, or their executive functions. As if we can’t help children find something they enjoy and let them cultivate that activity. These are all skills that can be taught, but they aren’t taught at all. We just let the bell curve “form naturally” and then take the kids on the right-half of it and label them “gifted” and then discard the rest, even though we are capable of teaching them those skills.

Giftedness promotes two unhealthy narratives: (1) being average isn’t good enough and (2) being below average is bad. With regards to (1) and (2), it completely ignores all of the facets of a good life, or what can be a good life. In my view, a good life is one that you enjoy and are proud of. Where you have strong relationships with others, actual freedom and control over your life, where you have things that you’re good at or enjoy doing, where you are proud of what you’ve accomplished. It has nothing to do with “having a higher working memory capacity” what the fuck?

There is value in being “average” or “mediocre” or “below average” or “stupid”. You can still produce art that people enjoy. You can still be a good athlete. You can still get really good at a specific area of academia. You can still be a competent engineer. You can still connect with others and mean something to them. You can still travel the world, drink wine condescendingly, and have a good time meeting people and seeing things. You can still contribute to society, and you can even make innovations that change it, but you don’t have to make a “significant contribution” to a worthy member of society. You can still care about others. You already change society, just by being part of it, and that is enough.

Focus on the experiences you want to have, the relationships you want to build, and the skills you want to learn, not on “I want to be smarter” or “I want to have better memory” or “I want to be the best”. It’s okay to want to be smarter, or to have better memory, or even to be the best at something (since it’s not possible to be the best at EVERYTHING), but those things are relative.

When you become “smarter” at something, or the “best” or just better, at some specific domain, you will find that all the traits associated with intelligence tend to increase with regard to that specific domain. For example, when you get better at chess, you develop better problem-solving skills associated with chess, or more critical thinking in regards to games, or better memory for recalling chess piece arrangements or movement formation or techniques, or faster information processing speed in regards to processing your opponent’s and your own moves, or better “chess logic” or “chess reasoning skills”, or the ability to understand and reason about chess on it’s own.

Intelligence is relative and domain-specific, the superior memory you would develop in chess won’t cross over to, say, memorizing decks of cards, or generalize into just having a superior memory for all things. That’s not how human brains work, they are highly specific and skill-oriented. So when you focus on becoming “smarter in general”, you are essentially setting an impossible goal, because it’s not specific enough for you brain to be able to systemically learn and apply it. You have to be specific if you want to make any progress, after all, and this applies to our constructs of giftedness.

We have to be specific! We have to let children choose their interests and hobbies and help them develop natural talents, as well as explore their interests and help them reach a suitable level of competence, where suitability is determined by THEM, the child. When you let them develop interests and hobbies of their own choosing, they naturally will get “smarter” in that area, you know, better working memory and stuff in that regard.

And even if they don’t reach expert levels of performance, or perform averagely or even below average, it doesn’t really matter, since it’s not something they need to be an expert in. For knowledge that is universally relevant, like comprehensive sexual education, you should work on ensuring that your average is a high standard. But if the piece of knowledge or skill doesn’t meet “nigh-universally relevant” or “necessary to function in this society”, then who cares how will people learn it? Especially since they can always come back in the future and re-learn it, or improve on it.

We also have to address child suffering and ensure that all children have good and strong support networks, are well-fed, have medical care, are free from abuse, etc. This makes it easier for them to actually have the time, energy, and cognitive capacity to choose their own interests and hobbies, AND work at them. It also helps them make relationships, explore, learn, and make a good life for themselves.

Also, a quick note. Interests are just things that you like to do or have a feeling for; hobbies are recreational pursuits that you actively engage in. So, an interest can be looking at pictures of castles online, a hobby can be actively seeing castles in person. It’s more or less an arbitrary distinction, but I like to use them in tandem to cover all the bases.

#giftedness #gifted #neurodivergent #school #school system #education system #unschooling #whatever #intelligence #intelligence is fake #reality is complicated #live your life #etc

25 notes · View notes

ageof9thhouse · 5 years

Photo

Signs in the Sixth House

The sixth house is where we associate the sign of Virgo (ruled by the planet Mercury) but the goddess of Harvest and Fertility, Ceres or Demeter is assigned with the constellation. Demeter had a daughter named Persephone (Goddess of Spring) and Zeus thought of Persephone as the ideal wife for Hades who was the God of Underworld and not happy with his position. The myth is famously called “The Kidnapping of Persephone”. In the end, it is decided that Persephone only has to spend part of the year with Hades in the underworld and this is when the seasonal cycles come to play. Demeter had to let go of her daughter and with that acceptance, we now have four season which gives the circle of life the balance it needs. So, what does this famous myth has to do with this house? Well, I see this house as the loss of childhood (coming after 5th house), growing pains, the responsibilities one comes face to face, taking care of your own health... Living is not all about fun and games no longer. The house represents the necessary actions or the discipline one has to adapt into their lives in order for their lively-hoods to blossom.

♈︎Aries / Mars in the 6th House:

These people want to have it their way when it comes to daily plans. They have a certain routine in which they’d prefer not to change for other people. They are talented in the field of organizing but when it comes to keeping up they are slacking. They are aware of how the “self” needs growth and would love to take the necessary actions for doing so, however, they are not good recognizing what these actions exactly should be. They are naive in their approach to taking care of themselves even though they would think of themselves as the best at it. They need to at least take into consideration what other people might have to say about what might be good for them. Aries rules the head, therefore the native might be prone to migraines, head injuries and sinus pressure. Anxiety can also catch up to them when they feel like they are not good at something they set out their minds on. When working for other people, the person’s ego is very fragile. They do not like the idea of pleasing others. They are also quite competitive in the work environment. The transition to adulthood was painful but was faster than what was anticipated. The native was a rebellious young-adult who was angry at the unfairness of the world.

♉︎Taurus / Venus in the 6th House:

People with this placement tend to be very stubborn about the way they want to live to be the best option for them (and perhaps everyone else too). They will not change anything about what they are doing for anyone’s sake. And when it comes to it, their daily routine is pretty lazy and focused on one’s pleasure. They want everything to go smoothly and under their control. They do take care of themselves but it a more self-indulgent way than anything. They like making plans so that they can enjoy it. They are likely to accept other people to custom their daily lives to their own. They are not very disciplined people when it comes to taking the right actions for an order to take place in their lives. Taurus rules the throat, including the neck, thyroid gland, and vocal tract. The native might be prone to inflammation of the tonsils, sore throats, and thyroid imbalance. They are sensitive to catching a cold more than most people. Anxiety can catch up with them when they see things not going their way and when their peace is disrupted by circumstances. A test of their optimism is something they fear but inevitable. When working for other people, they make sure to make themselves feel comfortable. They’ve got a way of making their superiors like them but it is a forced relationship. Even if they tend to be lazy in the work environment they are capable of keeping things under control. The transition to adulthood was very slow since the native is stubborn when it comes to giving in to nature. The native was surprisingly a patient and peaceful young adult.

♊︎Gemini / Mercury in the 6th House:

The daily lives of these people with this placement tend to be very busy and hectic. Thankfully, they are very capable of taking on a lot of things at once. They are very curious about health and what is the right path for them to follow when it comes to self-actualization. They are very adaptable to sudden changes in their routines and have no trouble with organizing. They seem to be very talented when it comes to recognizing the necessary actions to be taken so that their lives will come in order. They always have a back-up plan when things seem to go wrong. They might have a tendency to always “be on a diet” since they have an immense curiosity for the field of health. These people are highly analytic and seem to be afraid of being ill. They are likely to be one of those people who constantly google symptoms. Gemini rules the nervous system which includes the shoulders, lungs, arms, hands, and fingers. They might be prone to carpal tunnel syndrome, anxiety, nervous or fidgety problems, smoking-related illnesses, and breathing issues. When working for other people, they are very good at doing the right thing and following orders. In the work environment even though they seem cool and capable on the outside, inside a lot of nervousness can be bothering them because of their desire of being perfect at what they are doing. The transition to adulthood was very awkward for them and caused a lot of anxiety on their part but they adapted rather quickly. The native was a young adult who was always on the run trying to achieve their goals as soon as possible.

♋︎Cancer / Moon in the 6th House:

When it comes to their daily plans these people base them on their emotional needs which are changeable hence the reason why they find it hard to have a steady structure - not that they are complaining. They like the fact that their lives are unpredictable and ever-changing. They stick to their gut feeling when it comes to knowing what is the best thing to do for their bodies and livelihood. Their mother might have influenced them a lot when it comes to self-discipline or on the contrary, it was so lacking that they had to become their own mothers and teach themselves about nourishment through trial and error. They are not comfortable with restrictions and discipline. The idea of a routine can lead them into depression. Flexibility is important for their mental health. Cancer rules the chest, including the breasts and stomach. The natives can face problems concerning these areas. The mother might also pass on an illness to the native. But the emotional ups and downs caused by past traumas will be the biggest concern for the chart owner. In the work environment, they are well-liked. The people they work for or work with seem to feel close to these individuals even if the native is not really doing anything intentionally. Their intuition is working well when they are doing their jobs. The transition to adulthood might have had been very hard for them. Their biggest emotional problems probably occurred during their “growing pains”. As a young adult, they were quite emotional and well known for their vulnerability.

♌︎Leo / Sun in the 6th House:

It would be a hard task trying to make these people do whatever they don’t want to do. They can be pretty selfish when it comes to their plans and comfort zones. They go about their days confidently, thinking the universe only works for them but this is not the case. When they come face to face with this harsh truth they self-sabotage and make the most childish choices. They are forever creative individuals who never want to grow up. They can be introverts since they only feel confident in themselves when they are in control and other people will only bring discomfort into their daily lives. Even though they are very intelligent and creative they do not like to collaborate with people for similar reasons. Leo rules the heart, spine, spinal column and upper back.If these people do not follow a passion and know joy, there can be heart disease. It is crucial for them to live their everyday lives just the way they desire. It is not possible always of course. This is the reason why for their constant depression. Once they let go of the control issues they will get rid of the depression for good since the energy of the sun has immense healing powers as much as bringing too much focus in the place it's shining on to. In the work environment, they are very efficient IF they are working on their own. There is a great chance for them to outshine everybody else surrounding them which will lead to jealousy issues. The transition to adulthood is almost non-existent since they refuse to grow up. As a young adult, they were well-known for their creativity and talents.

♍︎Virgo / Ceres in the 6th House:

This placement feels right at home but it does not make it any easier for the owner. They are very fixated on perfection when it comes to their work, daily lives and self-actualization. They have one of the most analytic brains which can give sudden anxiety. They always feel the need to make sure everything is in the right order, but what is right and what is wrong depends on the circumstances. Not having the answers to problems makes the native nervous. They are always in constant search of what is the right thing to do. Since the answer to this is vague the person with this placement always feels incomplete. They have to watch out for trying to fill this hole with addictions. Virgo rules the digestive system, which includes the intestines, and spleen. People with this placement might suffer digestive problems in addition to addiction and anxiety problems. Their hyper-awareness needs to be tamed. Meditation and mindfulness are highly recommended to these individuals. They are also very helpful individuals. Concerns of others become their concerns also. In the work environment, they are hard-workers. They tend to tire themselves out to the point of exhaustion and they tend to overlook their health when their work is on the line. The transition to adulthood came naturally since they were eager to work and take care of themselves on their own. But once they are fully grown they miss their youth greatly. As a young adult, they were well-known for being workaholics and perfectionists who were nervous wrecks from time to time.

♎︎Libra / Venus in the 6th House:

With Libra’s energy being here balance seems to be the one thing the native of the chart is striving for more than anything. With balance comes peace and beauty but in order to understand and value the true meanings of these things other than what is on the surface these people have to have a taste of chaos and imbalance in their lives. Only chaos gives birth to such beauty. Balance in their daily lives is essential for these people since the circumstances are extra hard on them. The ruthless side of Venus shows its face here. The sign of Libra rules the kidneys, skin, lumbar region, endocrine system, and buttocks. People with this placement might come face to face with health problems concerning these areas. It is a great signifier of how they have to get their act together at this time. They have a tendency to wait for a significant other to help them on their journey of self-actualization which seems to be their downfall. Relationships seem to affect their health greatly. Being dependent on others will cause their personalities to be unstable. Extra care needs to be taken on their own being. In the work environment, they are quite artistic and seem to take care of anything that is out of order in their jobs. They are very flirty with their co-workers. During their transition to adulthood, they have blossomed beautifully. They had to go through a lot of tests concerning relationships. As a young adult, they could’ve had been heart-breakers and a lot of people had crushes on them.

♏︎Scorpio / Pluto in the 6th House:

When the antagonist of Demeter’s story comes to rule her house we might come across some friction here for the natives of the chart in a house that friction is already dominating. These people are masters at planning things. They can manipulate other people to adjust their lives according to their own. They are capable of controlling other people without even trying but there is a lot of karma that follows them without their knowledge. They are master manifesters but unsatisfaction with their daily lives seems to be a curse they have to deal with. It is almost like they have a great sense of what other people are going through and how can they fix it for them (or make it worse) but when it comes to their lives not only are they clueless but they always feel out of place. Keeping their powers of manifestation on a leash can actually do wonders for them. They need to take extra caution of their thoughts, especially of others. They need to stay away from any kind of obsessive behavior. The sign of Scorpio rules the reproductive system, sex organs, bowels, and excretory systems. They can have health troubles in their lives concerning these areas when their life is out of order. Once they put their lives in order and be careful of not adapting manipulative behavior, there is nothing that can stop them... They have the potential of becoming magicians almost. They can especially work their magic in the work environment. They have a way of climbing on the top of everyone else very quickly. They have a powerful influence on people. The transition to adulthood was almost transformative. Something inside had died and now they are the phoenix who rose from its ashes. As young adults, they have done things they regret but thanks to those mistakes they are capable of great things in life now.

♐︎Sagittarius / Jupiter in the 6th House:

The sign and planet of expansion are still going to do its job in a house that is all about discipline. Sagittarius is also all about higher knowledge hence the reason why the native of this placement will have an undeniable desire to know about their health and what is the right thing to do for self-actualization. The more it is ignored the larger the problems concerning these areas. The chart owner has to be aware of the issues surrounding their bodies and life-style - blind luck and optimism will not be on their side when it comes to these things if they are not taken into consideration. But once they are noticed and taken care of the native will be very auspicious. Sagittarius rules the thighs, hips, liver, pituitary gland, and sciatic nerve. If they face with health troubles especially around these areas, the native must take immediate action and take their soul-journey in their body seriously. After all, we are spirits who are having a human experience and anything that is of earth needs to be respected... especially our bodies. In the work environment, they are extravagant. It is hard to not notice them and the work they do. They are naturally good at doing what they put their hearts into but if they do not feel enthusiastic about their jobs they will be slacking. The transition to adulthood was overwhelming for them. Their optimism might have had been tested but they gained confidence as they mature. As young adults, they were always out and about and having fun. They have learned the most important lessons in their late teens and early twenties.

♑︎Capricorn / Saturn in the 6th House:

Capricorn can be extra hard on the native of this chart within this house which it shares a familiar theme with. Living life seems like a test they were not prepared to take and they always ask for extra time to complete. Serious caution and consideration need to be taken because once the health of the native is neglected serious consequences will be paid. The great magic of Capricorn (also Saturn) is that once the lesson is learned, that is it. Now you have mastered the issue. With mastery comes confidence and great self-respect. Capricorn rules the knees, joints, skeletal system, and teeth. The natives of this placement might need to take extra care of these parts of the body. Another concern might be anxiety which 6th house (Virgo) already is a natural at and together with Capricorn it is doubled. Counseling might help a lot. Health problems the father had suffered might make a come back in the child (the chart owner) so be very careful of that as well. The work-life might also be something the person is not very that much into as well. Even though the progression is slow for them success is guaranteed as well as great recognition for the job they do. They might even surprise themselves when they discover how good they are. The transition to adulthood was pretty slow for the individual as they did not really wanted to grow up at all but life goes on and with age, they get better like fine-wine. As young adults, they have struggled with a lot of fears. When they finally face those fears the monsters vanish and all that is left is endless opportunities.

♒︎Aquarius / Uranus in the 6th House:

These people are very talented in coming up with creative ways to put their lives in order. They are also very helpful and put their friends' minds at peace as well when it comes to balancing things out. Being out of control might stress them out like no other thing though. They do not like the idea of surprises and fear change. What you fear is what you get. They have learned to master their ways around sudden changes so that they will not be as affected as they used to. They might have had suffered unexpected illnesses no matter the caution they had taken. Aquarius rules the ankles, calves, shins, and circulatory system, therefore, these areas of their bodies might have had suffered or tend to get injured easily when their life is out of control. It is a way of our bodies telling us “get it together”. It is essential for them to know exactly where their future is going. They might be very intuitive. They might have flashes of insight concerning the future. These people are ought to do important work for the progression of humankind in one way or another. They have to feel like the job that they are doing is helpful for someone, out there. Their work environment is a place where they are advised to expect the unexpected. If they are truly satisfied with the fact that what they are striving to do in their job is what they were meant to do then there should be no concern. They have a tendency to be really good friends with the people they work with. The transition to adulthood was nothing like they expected to be. It was pretty shocking and life-changing. As young adults, they might have felt alienated from their environment because they were on a quest to find what was their mission here on Earth. They were on the constant search for their soul-purpose and once they found it there was no turning back.

♓︎Pisces / Neptune in the 6th House:

In this placement the 6th house feels distorted. This is the effect of Neptune on everything it touches but since Virgo is the opposite of Pisces, this touch is grander here. People with this placement tend to give in easily when it comes to what other people want from them. They tend to over estimate their own needs and put others needs first. The sense of some sort of a schedule only comes through other people. Sleep problems might haunt these people when they are not taking care of themselves. Pisces rules the feet, toes, lymphatic system, and body fat, when they are not following the right path these areas of their bodies are highly affected by their wrong doings. Pisces also rules the psychology to a certain extend. Hidden depression is a major concern these people might come to face with. They need to recgonize their bodily needs. It is essential for them to start to notice how their bodies demand respect from them. They need to learn to set up boundaries between them and other people and that is when things will start to get better for them. In their work environment, they are very idealistic. They have high expactations from themselves which can get in the way of actually doing the job the best they can. They need to take things less seriosly and let go of their ideals and only then they can manifest those ideals. They might not really have a clue about what they are doing or what they want to do. They need to allow themselves to take their dreams seriosly and pursue their dreams - not what other people tell their ideal job should be. The transition to adulthood was easy for them, or so they thought. They hid away their problems during this transition, to the subcouncious and they have to deal with them in the later years. As young adults, they were known for being carefree but were they really?

(Art: “Demeter Mourning for Persephone” by Evelyn De Morgan)

5K notes · View notes

astrozones · 4 years

Text

Gay Eyes - Prinxiety

@idkwhyimhere0o0 , @slitherynchiken bc yall wanted to see this uwu

Original Post here!

Summary: "Gay eyes" was a stupid concept. Virgil could hardly believe his ears when Roman suggested it earlier that day- when they were trying to pursue Nico. And of course, it didn't work. Because it was stupid. Idiotic. So why couldn't he stop thinking about it- or the boy who had suggested it?

Discord: Astro’s Zone

Ship: Prinxiety

Read on AO3

Spoiler warning for Flirting With Social Anxiety!!

Gay eyes, right?

That’s what he called them?

It was stupid. A stupid name, a stupid concept, a stupid- ugh, everything!

So why couldn’t he stop thinking about it-!

Virgil groaned, turning himself around so he could shove his face onto the pillow. Ughhhhhhhh.

Maybe it was because Roman looked so damn pretty doing it and- nope! Not going down that train of thought. At least, not for the fifth time tonight.

‘Gay eyes’. Ugh. Something about that was familiar. Did someone do them to Thomas? No, no, he would’ve heard Roman prattling on about it in a lovestruck monologue if someone did. That much was certain.

Ah- maybe- well, Thomas had to have done it sometime, right? He seemed so familiar with the concept. That must be why he was understood it. It was the only logical reason, at least. Heh, maybe Logan would be proud of him for coming up with an understandable conclusion.

But- that wasn’t it, was it? Something in his nonexistent heart told him so. And while he made a point to not listen to his heart- it could get them in so many dangerous situations, after all- he spent a few more minutes thinking about it. Just in case.

He couldn’t think of anything else though. No matter how many paths he went through, nothing made sense, except for if another Side had done them while he was watching or something and-!

Oh.

God, he remembered it- about 3 weeks ago, Roman was acting weird. And not his normal type of fantastical-focused weirdness either. He hadn’t thought much of it- that was a lie, he spent too much time thinking about it- but Roman kept looking over at Virgil, both of them sitting at opposite ends of the couch.

When Virgil finally chanced looking over and meeting his eyes, Roman simply raised an eyebrow at him. A second later, he switched his expression to an innocent one, looking away, and back, where he lifted his eyebrow again with a smirk.

What the fuck, he had thought. Huh? Ugh- whatever. Ro’ was just messing around. Virgil let out a scoff, lightly pushing Roman with a small laugh as he stood up and walked to the kitchen- Patton was starting to look longingly at the stove again, and Virgil decided he would supervise. They didn’t want a repeat of last time.

Looking back on it, though… Was Roman… flirting with him? With Virgil? None of the others had been in the room, except for Patton, who was on the opposite side. So it must have been Virgil.

But- why?

Why Virgil? Was he pranking him? No, Roman wouldn’t do that, he was too serious about romance.

That meant… that he was serious. That he was trying to flirt… with Virgil.

The chances of Roman pranking him seemed far higher than the chances of Roman actually liking Virgil back, but- well, all the signs said he was genuine.

Wait.

Oh God.

If he was flirting with him, that means- that means that Virgil just brushed off his flirting without a second thought. That he- did he accidentally reject Roman? Shit, shit, shitshitshit- FUCK! He must hate Virgil now and his chances were ruined and he’d be single forever and-

Breathe. He- he had to breathe.

In, out.

Okay. Okay, he just had to think about it logically. Logically, Roman’s feelings for him wouldn’t go away just because Virgil rejected him (he rejected him! FUCK! FUCK!). Logically, he still had a chance.

But what if he didn’t- what if Roman already convinced himself out of it, or what if he realized he wasn’t that interested after all and now he’s grateful I didn’t understand, or what if he- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Okay- okay- he just… he had to make a plan to tell Roman. Easy. Yeah, that was a good idea.

This was a horrible idea. By far the worst of his ideas. Why was he doing this idea?!?

Well, he supposed, this is why I’m not Creativity.

He sat down on the couch, opposite of Roman. Step one, done.

Roman glanced up at him, flashing a radiant smile before turning back to his book- something fantasy related, most likely. Fuck I’m gay.

Could anyone blame him, though? Roman was just so pretty! Kind, too, he just wanted the best for everyone. He had a pretty straightforward set of right and wrong, but he was learning, and trying his best to make things right. Fuck, he was so passionate too. Virgil could sit there listening for hours as he ranted on about all his new ideas. He wanted to do that, he wanted to be there for Roman, to trust him enough to share thoughts he wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

Oh shit, he had been staring at him for too long. Roman was looking at him with concern and curiosity. Enact step two, enact step two!

Quickly, before he had a chance to feel scared about it- he let an eyebrow rise up, silently staring at Roman with a smile. He let the expression fall, looking away, then looking back, before switching back with a smirk.

Fuck, Roman just looked confused. What were the steps again? What did he miss?!? I knew this was a bad idea-

Roman softly gasped. Virgil’s gaze shot to him as a brilliantly bright blush adorned Roman’s face.

Good reaction?

“Was that- did you-?” Roman giggled, quickly covering his head with his hands.

This is good-? No! No, this is bad! A bad reaction! You fucked up Virgil, ABORT, ABORT-

“Roman, Virgil! It’s time to eat breakfast!” Patton called from the dining room. Shit. Now he couldn’t run away.

Roman kept trying to catch his gaze while they were eating. He saw it in the corner of his eye. But Virgil’s gaze stayed diligently on his food, eating quickly so he could run get away faster.

“I’m going to my room- BYE!” he rushed out, disposing of the dishes before sprinting back to his room. He didn’t want to see the pitying glance Roman sent him.

He face-planted straight onto his bed. He felt like crying, and he desperately fought back the tears that would tell everyone just what he was feeling.

Fuck, why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut. Or, rather, repressed his feelings and lived with the fact that Roman would never like him back? Of course Roman wouldn’t feel the same- why would he? When Virgil was so much worse than him?

Fuck.

He froze as a knock sounded at the door.

Fucking shit- this was Roman coming to officially reject him, wasn’t it. Shit, not right now! Not when he was still processing it! He was gonna burst into tears!

Biting his lip, he slowly made his way over to the door, opening it ever so cautiously.

There stood Roman, bouncing on his heels with a grin. Virgil frowned, why is he so ecstatic about rejecting me? I thought he considered me a friend now…

Roman opened his mouth to speak. Deny it! Deny it!

“It was a joke.” Virgil blurted out. Roman’s stopped in place, staring at him.

“What?”

“I didn’t mean it. Me doing the whole ‘gay eyes’ thing? It was a joke.” he murmured, fiddling with his sleeves. Roman made a strained noise.

“I- um- I see. That, uh, that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying, Virgil. If you’ll excuse me, I really must be going now. Ideas to explore, and all. Toodle-oo!”

And with that, Roman left.

“Of course it was too good to be true,” Roman moaned, falling back onto his thousands of pillows strewn over the floor. His body shook as he tried to hold back sobs.

He had been trying to show hints to Virgil for ages, y’know. Roman was brave, but not brave enough to say it outright. He’d hoped- well, he’d hoped that after he showed a few hints, maybe, just maybe, Virgil would show some signs back. Just enough that Roman could be sure that his feelings were returned.

And he thought… that this was it. That Virgil’s sudden understanding of ‘gay eyes’ was the sign that he was looking for!

He always knew his endless optimism would come to bite him some day.

“FUCK!” he shouted to no one. Thankfully he had soundproofed his room ages ago, after enough noise complaints from Logan about his singing. He wiped his tears away, scoffing as new ones just took their place.

He should have known Virgil was too perfect for him.

With his endearingly sarcastic attitude, his wonderfully precious giggles, and of course his smile- it was a wonder he hadn’t fallen for him sooner.

He silently cursed his past self. Why couldn’t he have just let it go and accepted him into the group? Maybe this wouldn’t have happened in the first place- maybe Virgil would be able to like him romantically.

God, what he would give to be able to cuddle with Virgil… to hug him, to hold hands, maybe even kiss him…

But he couldn’t.

Because Virgil had rejected him.

Dumbass, Virgil’s brain told him. He huffed. What, he asked, am I not suffering enough already?

His mind didn’t respond. Virgil groaned. This usually meant that he had to actually figure something out instead of just wallowing in his sorrow.

Rude.

He rubbed at his eyes, debating whether he should actually follow directions and think over things.

Nah, he decided, switching onto his side as he elected to just sleep and forget about today.

He likes you back!

Psh, yeah right. The only way Roman could like him back is if he had been coming over to confirm his feelings or some shit. That was impossible.

…

Wait, he thought, sitting up. Wait. Maybe I am a dumbass.

Because the more he thought about it, the more it became apparent that it actually wasn’t impossible. In fact, it might just be… plausible.

Holy shit.

He stood up, frantically searching for his hoodie. He had to tell Roman, he had to. Before it was too late.

Picking it up, he hurried over to the mirror. Fuck, he looked like a disaster. Hair askew, makeup nonexistent, eyes wide in panic. At least he hadn’t cried- crying, Virgil, he could be crying. Go, hurry!

Whipping open the door, he hurried down the hallway. Passing Patton in the kitchen, he gave him a nod as he ran.

“What are you doing up?” Patton asked, a cup of water in his hand. “You should be going to sleep.”

“Can’t-” Virgil huffed out, stopping for only a few seconds. “I have to go- gotta- clear something up.”

He left before Patton could come up with a response.

“Roman,” he whisper-shouted, frantically knocking on the door. “Roman!”

The door opened, revealing a tired Roman. Virgil noticed with a pain in his chest that his eyes were red from crying.

“What?”

“I meant it,” he rushed out. “I meant it- the whole ‘gay eyes’ thing. As stupid as it is, I meant it.” Roman’s eyes widened.

“I did- but I thought you were gonna reject me- so I said it was a joke and I know, I know, I’m so, so stupid, but say you like me back and I might just kiss you.”

For seconds that felt like eons, Roman stayed silent.

“Oh God, please do. I like you back, I have for a long time actua- mmf-!”

Before he was even done talking, Virgil had grabbed the collar of his pyjamas- a red t-shirt, with a crown placed in the center because this boy just cannot stop getting more adorable- and pulled him forward.

Their lips met, and Virgil’s heart melted. He moved his hands to caress Roman’s face. He felt warm- content, even, which couldn’t be true because he was Anxiety and Anxiety never felt content without a thousand other thoughts harassing him- but he was free from negative feelings, head empty as all he processed was Roman’s lips on his and that he was feeling loved.

He slowly separated from the boy, gasping for air and fighting the urge to dive back in and kiss him again- because holy fuck he had kissed Roman!

“I thought- I thought you didn’t like me back.” Roman whispered, voice cracking in the middle. Virgil shook his head vehemently.

“I- fuck no, Ro’, that’s impossible. I- fuck- you’re great, Ro’, I adore you.”

Roman broke out into a grin, leaning his forehead against Virgil’s.

“I adore you, too.”

253 notes · View notes

dxmmymxmmywrites · 4 years

Text

Caught Your Fancy

Maito Gai x F! Reader Smut

Warnings: swearing, suggestive themes, unprotected sex, oral sex, pwp

There is not nearly enough Might Guy smut, so I’m here to fill the void! Personally I think this dude would absolutely fawn over a sassy lady, so this was a real treat to write.

Enjoy it ya filthy animals 🖤

...

It was leaner than your other leg, but it looked somewhat normal. You could move mostly on your own with some aid, which often came in the form of your staff. Despite having your dreams of following a nindo crushed, you still had dreams for your life you wanted to make a reality.

And there were many bumps in the road. You would trudge along during your day to day life, trying to be generous to the community while also building up your reputation as a creative. You dabbled in a bit of everything— writing, sculpture, painting— whatever could keep your hands and mind busy. It did wonders to stave off your boredom, and it gave you your own personal haven when the day was done. You could retreat inside yourself for rest.

It was where you were immersed now, sketching along in ink to quiet your mind. Your thoughts had been raging since earlier in the day, happy as it had been. Your hands seemed to move on their own as you doodle with an anatomy textbook open for reference. Some strokes collected into refined nudes, others were simplistic doodles of hands or feet or what have you.

Critters scuttling outside your window finally brought you out of your reverie. When they quieted down, you finally took in your last sketch that had taken up most of your parchment.

You’d drawn a man with strong features just from the image of him that constantly plagued your brain. His bright smile, his sweet dimples— that stupid bowl cut.

You scooted your supplies and paper to the side of your workbench so you had enough space to groan into your hands.

...

You’ve been companions for what seems like ages. Calling Gai a friend sounded odd due to the nature of your... everything, but it was the closest word you had to describe him.

He made you laugh, and you teased him. He walked you home when you ran into each other at markets, and you had stopped in on a practice or two to watch him with his genin.

Most of the time, he would attempt to woo you and you would play hard to get. Gai most likely enjoyed it— the thrill of the chase in the springtime of youth or whatever— but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy it too.

Spending time with him on little adventures always left you giddy, feeling like you could actually run a mile without falling on your face. He would send an unapologetic but weirdly sincere compliment your way, and you wouldn’t show how it affected you until you were parting ways once more.

You’re expecting it to repeat as he walks with you to your home on the outskirts of the village now. You had managed to run into him when you’d run out for a last minute ingredient for your dinner. It was like he always managed to find you in a sour mood and make you feel at least a little bit better— you had been exhausted beforehand, but you were happily content listening to him describe his most recent training session with his students.

“—That reminds me!” He perks up like a puppy. “A friend of mine recently said you were once enrolled at the academy! You never told me you pursued ninjutsu!”

It wasn’t meant to be a harsh comment, but you felt yourself wince internally. Somehow, you felt more painfully aware of your leg than ever.

“Yeah... that was a long time ago. Yknow,” you tapped your limp foot with your staff. “Before this happened.”

The panic in Gai’s expression rises quickly, but fades just as suddenly. “I wouldn’t want it to hurt you— but if you ever have an interest in revisiting the basics, let me know!”

You laugh a bit. At least he was trying to make you feel better, pity from others could get tiring.

“You trying to make me one of your genin?” You playfully jabbed.

“Only if you’d like to! Though I wouldn’t mind a one-on-one practice. However you are most comfortable.”

His voice calms towards the end, to a casual but gentle tone you don’t often hear him use. Gai took you by surprise often as well.

And it really was touching. You never thought you could get back to how you were, or that you could ever be an adequate ninja. It didn’t stop you from yearning for it— something you had hinted to Gai before. He had paid attention.

It made a sort of heat rise to your face. Very few could get that reaction out of you, and Gai’s accomplished smile confirmed he knew just as much.

“It’s a kind offer... thanks.” You finally spoke as the two of you approached your humble abode.

His mouth opened to leap into a grandiose plan of action for your training— but you shifted to plant a kiss on his cheek and he stopped in his tracks.

“I’ll think about it, Gai.”

...

Since the time you had shared your vulnerabilities to him, Gai became even more of a common occurrence in your life.

He would nearly bust down your door at some ungodly hour of the morning and start making you a healthy, youthful breakfast. If he ran across a book you’d been dying to read, he would find you wherever to deliver it himself. And whenever you had some opportunities to work within the village, he would make a point to stop by and insist on you filling him in on your day.

It took you off guard. How could someone be so... purely good? How could he be such a bright light to you, and not want a thing in return?

You swore that even if you tried to run from him, he would always manage to get to you. Like running from a ray of sunshine at lunchtime.

So as he reached out to you more and more, you became more available. Parts of you that had been walled up for years came crumbling down with every act of kindness he gave you. Whatever he did, you practically melted for him. And it often scared the shit out of you.

But still, good things continued to happen. You made time to visit Gai and his team when you were invited to the training grounds. You dragged him by the ear to your home several times to feed him a purely indulgent meal, saying he couldn’t just eat superfoods for the rest of his life. You start writing down little poems that make you think of him, and go out of your way to stick them in his pockets when you think he doesn’t notice.

He does. He reads each one, marvels over your calligraphy, and keeps them tucked away in an old jumpsuit.

Around the time your poems became a habit, you start inviting Gai and the genin to your home for dinner every weekend. You come to know each of his students individually, and you grow to love each of them so much.

Lee marvels you with his spirit, and his willingness to scarf down whatever you cook is flattering. Tenten makes you laugh every time you see her with her quick wit, and Neji becomes intrigued with your interests in the arts, and admires whatever project you’ve attached yourself to at the moment.

You don’t catch him in the act, but Gai steals more looks at you in these calm moments with his students more than ever. There’s a moment when you poke fun at Neji with a genuine laugh that he feels his heart skip a beat.

How did he find such a beautiful, youthful spirit like yours? He never wants to let you go.

...

After you had really come out of your shell, you finally agreed to meet Gai for a private session on the sparring grounds. It made you a little nervous, but the excitement in your chest pushed you further and further until you were rushing out the door in whatever workout gear you could find.

You arrive a little early, willing to wait for him if need be. Yet as you approach the encirclement of combat dummies in the field, you can hear the familiar smacks of someone putting the dummies to good use.

The sun finally moves out of your eyes, and your greeted with the sight of an unabashedly shirtless Gai landing hit after hit with no margin for error.

It’s... a religious experience to watch him move. Sweat glistens over his battle hardened muscles with each punch, and you carefully watch a trail of sweat glide down the center of his abs down to the prominent “V” shape of his hipbones.

You try not to drool.

He notices your presence and turns to give you one of his glorious smiles.

“You made it! Glad to see it wasn’t too early for you.”

“I was... motivated,” you manage, watching him step closer to you.

If he noticed your bothered state, he didn’t pay it any mind.

“I have a plan to get you used to the movement of combat. You’re certainly in shape, you only need to learn to follow the flow of combat to start.”

It vaguely makes sense to you, but he takes your hand and leads you to a larger training pit void of combat dummies. You almost don’t want to let go of his hand, but then he lets go and begins to circle you.

“Throw a punch, or hit me with your staff. Let’s begin slowly, and then I can follow your movements.”

It’s nerve wracking, but you can feel the butterflies going insane within you. You slowly go to swing your staff at him, but he slowly counters you and explains his reasonings as he does so. With each movement you make, his process becomes more calculated— and he gives you enough time to consider his words and apply them to your next move.

Like a game of chess, you work in tandem and simultaneously against each other. To be so in sync with him becomes almost intoxicating, especially zoning into his voice and following the grace of his marble-like body. He becomes the epitome of temptation.

Was this his plan all along?

In your single moment to falter, he is able to catch you from behind with a strong arm held around your throat. Your eyes bulge. But your ovaries do a summersault.

“And because of this, you must stay grounded in combat. And not in your head.”

You can feel a shiver convulse throughout your body at his voice being so close, so hot and breathe against your skin. This time, he does notice— and goes stiff.

He goes to say your name, but you painfully grip his wrist and then shove him to the ground.

He jumps when the end of your staff stamps itself inches from his ear, but he feels himself reddening at how tightly your straddling his waist. And those eyes— they sear him to the bone.

“Are you having fun?”

Your words are loaded, coated with either honey or venom and he can’t tell which. Does he care for the difference?

“Are you feeling inspired by my lesson? Do you already feel yourself improving?” He manages that picturesque smile again, though it’s certainly strained.

You lean closer to him, and he gulps. Your stare never wavers.

“I think I could teach you a few things, Maito Gai.”

The deadly desire in your voice makes him feel like he’s floating but falling at the same time. What are your plans? What would you have him do to you?

What would you do... to him?

His determined grin grows, and you feel your heart rate quicken.

“I’m at your mercy.”

You can’t take it anymore. Your freehand shoots to grab the back of his neck and your lips crash against his. He frees his hands then, and they heatedly run up your sides and cup your back until he cups your face with the most tenderness possible.

His kiss, however, is not so tender. Your tongues passionately intertwine with a ferocity that riles the both of you up with each passing second. You moan deliciously into his mouth, and he seems to melt into you.

It leaves him open to you pulling the back of his hair so you can shove your tongue farther into his throat. He continued to groan such sexy noises into your kiss until you begin to fervently grind on his lap.

When you break for air, you slowly grind your core over the outline of his growing hard-on.

“A-ah! Oh, darling—“ he heatedly moans again, making you wetter than ever, and pulls you in for another kiss.

His grip on your pelvis tightens as he sits up, and with you perched on top of him, he takes advantage of your exposed neck. His flushed lips trail lovely open-mouthed kisses all over your pulse-point, and you feel yourself wrap your legs around him as hard as you can.

You grind continually onto him, and keen lowly when he sucks a hickie into your neck just as he times a roll of his hips expertly between your legs.

“Hooooly fuuuck, Gai,” you say as your head rolls back. “Can we do this?”

“Absolutely,” he groans into your neck, pulling at your back so your sweaty torsos rub together.

How did you get so lucky to find him? You look down at him, breathing heavily, into his equally lust-blown pupils. You cup his chin to give him one more passionate kiss, where you lick over his lips and revel in how weak he is for your touch.

And then, you knock him down into the ground with a thump to his chest. Leaning over him so he has a face full of your tits, you instruct.

“I’m gonna ride you. But first, I’m going to sit on your face and blow you into next week.”

The blush across his face is prominent, from the joyful mixture of heat and hormones. But he excitedly smiles.

“Yes ma’am...” he says contentedly, freeing his dick from his pants while you readjust to kick yours off.

In no time at all, you reverse and lean your ass onto his face. He enthusiastically grips your thighs, and pulls your underwear to the side to place a long stripe to your soaked cunt.

You inhaled, but then he quickly pulled you into him and plunged his tongue into your sopping pussy. You shriek.

“Oh fuck! Holy fuck, Gai!” You whine as he hums into your cunt, and you feel your legs quiver as your eyes roll into the back of your head.

Hearing you rendered so helpless on top of him spurred him on, and his grip tightens. You can’t submit to him just yet— no, you’ve been dreaming of this for too long to back down now.

You stretch forward as much as you can manage and encircle the head of his cock with your lips. At that moment you knew Kakashi was full of shit when he mentioned Gai had an acorn of a cock— he was clearly a grower, and fisting his girth made your mouth water.

You begin to bob your head on his length, and you feel his pace weaken. It spurs you on, and you try to open your mouth as far as you can to suck him with all your worth.

Gai continues to eat you out to his heart’s content, and you feel him shake as you drool over his immense cock. You feel your determination building again despite the tremors of pleasure overcoming you— and you take him to the back of your throat. You hum as you arch your back, and run your nails tightly down his muscular thighs to hold him in place.

He sputters against your cunt, and you hold his legs to the ground while you render him undone, swirling your tongue around every detail of his thick cock.

As he begins to tremor again, you take a hold of his cock and run the flat of your thumb over his head, teasing his slit.

“Are you ready for me?” You breathe onto his cock, and flatly lick the precum dribbling from his slit.

He exhales as you rise from his face, legs shaking. He leans onto his elbows for a moment, smiling as he wipes your juices from his mouth to lick off his fingers.

“I’m always ready! But especially for you, my love” Gai says in a deeper, more loving voice then you’ve ever heard him use before.

It makes you ache in the best possible way.

You jostle your weaker leg over his lap, and he puts a hand out to hold you as you adjust. Sitting down, you intentionally adjust the lips of your pussy to glide over his shaft, and slowly grind along his length as you kiss under his jaw. Gai moans deep in his chest, running his hands over your back, trying to ground himself through the pleasure.

“D-don’t tease,” he manages, and leans into your touch as you lick up his jugular.

His voice is a symphony to you, while he squirms under your touch. You know you’re both ready then— so you angle his cock to finally sink onto his length.

Both of your mouths open in ecstasy we you ease onto his length, marveling at how your wetness lets his girth take you. It takes a moment to adjust, but eventually you settle into his lap fully speared on his erection. The two of you are breathing heavily, and you’ve only just begun.

You settle your foreheads against the the other’s.

“When you’re ready,” he lightly comforts, and you nod.

You feel yourself grip him harder, and you use your legs to pull him closer to you. Your lips interlock once more, and you groan at the taste of your pussy on his tongue. It encourages you to sway your hips forward, while Gai slowly moves your ass to relish your pull.

You slide deliciously around his cock. The more he relishes in the moment, the more of a slave he becomes to the passion between you. Your bodies begin to move in a glorious rhythm, composing a beautiful dance while your gasps of pleasure begin to harmonize.

Gai takes the liberty to gentle buck into you, feeding off your pretty moans while he hits your g-spot repetitively.

You loving pull you name from his tongue, while you pant and try to see straight. You could get high off of how sweet his touches were— how deeply he looked into you.

“Ahh, fuck, Gai—“ you purr into his ear, holding onto his shoulders for dear life. “Harder!”

His quiet laugh is so deviant and sexy as he picks up his pace, to where he’s rutting into you with his balls slapping your skin. You can’t help but keep bouncing and bouncing on his merciless cock, thighs screaming, crying out as the noise of slapping flesh and wet squelching echos into the air.

“Take me, fucking take me!” You growl into his ear, clawing at his back to try to stay in place. “Ooooh, fucking ruin me Gai!”

“You have a filthy mouth, my love!” He exclaims, still fucking you like a damn race horse.

“And you like it, don’t you baby? You like me being a greedy for your cock?”

Your words run him through with so much shock and absolute list all at once. You punctuate the filthy whispers by biting down hard onto his shoulder— and he cries out as you set a brutal pace to milk the remainder of his stamina.

“AHHHhhh! Darling—! I’m— aAAAaag— closing in!”

You purr like a devil into his shoulder, liking the bruise you’ve left. You’re shaking like an addict, and I you know you’re close too.

“I’m gonna cum all over your cock, Green Beast! Cum for me, cum for your slut!” You pant out, and Gai nearly screams as he fucks into your pussy more furiously than ever.

In the heat of it all, you shove him to the ground again. You grab his chest and put all your weight onto him as you ride out your orgasm, moaning like a bitch in heat as you chase your highs to oblivion.

Gain holds your hips enough to mark them, forcing you down into his cock— but then he looks at you in all your glory on top of him. Sweating rivulets down your reddening skin, singing for him as you take his cock like it was made just for you. He pulls you we close as he can and lets out a strangled scream as he orgasms hard.

Tears stream down your face as you feel your pussy clamp down onto him afterwards, whining with glee we his cock throbs within you. You exhale hard, and you can feel your heart jump over the moon.

All before you collapse off of him, and lay down beside him in the grass. Both of you are dirty, exhausted, and covered in sweat— and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Somehow, you manage the strength to plant a kiss on his cheek.

“You’re amazing.”

He grins, surprised he has enough energy to laugh. “And you are the most beautiful creature to exist.”

You laugh through a blush, and snuggle into his strong arms as he pulls you into his chest.

“I think I should train you more often!”

221 notes · View notes

idrawgaystffs · 2 years

Text

I’ve been thinking- (a dangerous pastime, I know) that, well, my art doesn’t really mean much after it’s made; that is, to me anyways.

It’s a bit like I Do care about the result being “good,” but it doesn’t hold the drive-> the emotion-> the Inspiration I get only while bringing it to life!

Hm, well this passes through my head every once in a while when stumbling into a semi old post on here that has a lotta notes (which I Am greatful for! It’s nice to see it pop up in my notifs again and knowing people saw it for possibly the first time!) and thinking huh well I don’t see anything new about it. It’s a bit boring, if anything.

Yeah I think that’s not Right? Is it? Do people usually see a thing they made and just say “Yup. There it is.. Done…” and just go to eat lunch? Cause that’s what I do a week after posting whatever on here.

Don’t get me wrong here I Love Making Art!! It’s Amazing and I Wouldn’t give it up if I had the choice to. It’s the main reason I’d hesitate to choose keeping my hearing over sight in that popular Would You Rather question.

A bit of a tangent yeah, Whoops!

Back to what I was saying, I think it’s the reason I have so many WIPs. Usually people think that they represent “unfinished” ideas that never made it to “completion” or “are a waste of creativity and time,” but I don’t agree with that.

They took my mind off of a stressful day and a cog stop in my brain, a relief from the mental energy being sapped by my surroundings and just “relaxing” by “getting into a zone” of creating simple “sketches.” They’re imbued with all the thing I think of in that very moment!

Every line, stacks ontop of each other to form the flow for the drawing!

Each dot, making the eyes have life and plan out the next move!

When the art is done, it’s like a Sign that I Made Something, as an Artist and a Person, and sometimes that’s all I really need from my art. A break from reality to unwind and be free.

Maybe that’s why finished works leave my mind right away. Till I can find something else to make and learn from to replace it.

Ah my phone ran out of battery, gonna sleep now, oh well.

#dirt talks #hm making art is weird #long post #just typing stuff before I sleepy #I’m indifferent to reblog if this also

4 notes · View notes

jj-ktae · 4 years

Text

Note II - Aldehydes

Moodboard : Courtesy of the lovely Jacqueline @jaebeomsmullet ! Thank you for helping and hyping and just being here whenever I need it.

› Title : Fragrances › Genre : Angst, Fluff, Romance, Composer!Jungkook x Perfume Maker!Reader › Pairing : Jeon Jungkook x Female Reader › Warning : Mentions of Suicide, heavy subjects, depression (none of these are used with the idea of glamourising mental illness), strong language, smut in later chapters probably. Do not read if any of these trigger you.

› Author’s note : This is another version of the story I wrote a few years ago for GOT7. Some of the events will be different, others will not change just like some paragraphs will be the same and others won’t. Informations, definitions and words are taken from here and here.

› Summary : In the world of Perfume making, it is believed that everyone has their own natural fragrance. It is also believed that everyone has that one scent capable of making them feel a thousand things. You find yours in the form of a composer on the verge of breaking, right when you have to face one of the biggest challenge in your life.

Masterlist | Note I - Ionones |

----------

Note II: Aldehydes

An aroma chemical that contains a functional group consisting of a carbon, a hydrogen, and an oxygen atom. Aldehydes can be derived from natural or synthetic materials. There are different types of scents associated with this chemical function but the most commonly referred to when profiling a scent as “aldehydic” is a sharp, metallic, crisp, slightly fatty impression often associated with the smell of clean textile or hot iron. One of the first “aldehydic” fragrances is the famous N°5 created by Perfumer Ernest Beaux in 1920 and launched by Gabrielle Chanel in 1921.

Your second day is worse than the first one. Jimin is all over the place, mixing essences and sniffing everything he can. You’re glad though, it makes him go silent whenever he concentrates on something, and you have time for focus. It doesn’t help because you’re still frustrated if not more, but at least you can overburden yourself in peace.

The only light in all that shadow comes from the memory of Jungkook’s scent, precise yet unknown. You try to create something similar, but it’s everything and nothing at the same time and no matter the amount or variety of scent you use, you can’t even get close to it

His scent is a mystery.

It adds to your misery, like a voice mocking you for not being able to recognise a scent while another one forces you to crave for more. It feels like chasing a ghost.

The sound of your head against your office takes Jimin out of his momentum. “What’s happening?” He inquires. He gets up from his own working area to stand next to your powerless soul.

“When is the meeting?” You try because it is potentially the only hope for today. That powerful lady came in early to inform you about an upcoming meeting with the marketing team. The project seems big, because Jimin started to work as soon as she flew out of the laboratory. It’s been one day and he is so open about himself that you can already read his body language.

“3 p.m. I was thinking about a brainstorming. Let’s think about a concept.” He offers because this is going nowhere. You’re about to give up at any minute, and he needs you to be into it.

“What concept? I’m running in circles.”

“Sexy? Provocateur? Romantic? Angsty? Bucolic?”

“All of these have already been worked on so many times...I don’t think they want to go for something as...forthright. I’m quite sure they won’t be satisfied with a mere sexy perfume.” It’s what you understood - if your sudden creative freedom is anything to go by.

Jimin understands, his eyes now wide. He has no idea how to achieve that, but he still thinks you’re brilliant for thinking out of the box. He picks his notepad and starts writing everything you said, his brows furrowed.

“We want to be unique. The concept needs to be appealing to the greatest number without being too cliché. We are free to use what we want.” He notes things down and you find yourself peeking at the words, meaningful yet complex.

“So we need to mix a little bit of everything.” Jimin stops for a minute before a whine escapes his thick lips, “I’m lost, help me.”

“We can’t work this way.” You raise your head slowly, ruffling your wild locks in a nonchalant way. “We have to find a scent and put a concept over it. We can’t force the scent based on an imaginary idea.” This only works when a brand has specific goals but here you have nothing. You can’t possibly force an idea into your head.

Jimin looks pitiful as he puts the notepad away. “It’s going to be harder than I thought.”

And just like the day started, the meeting followed. You were not expecting much of it and you were right. The marketing project came and explained you were free to do anything you wanted. Their main objective was to follow you on whatever you wanted to create, and it’s infuriating.

How many times do you have to repeat that you can’t do it before they start to believe you?

Jimin, who was stressed before the meeting is now dejected and it almost breaks your heart because you feel responsible. You send him home earlier and decide to work on your own. Two hours later you leave the lab with Orchid oil all over your bag and the urge to cry.

There is only one way to make you feel better. You feel ashamed, like you’re addicted to something but you have to admit it.

Jeon Jungkook’s scent is the only thing worth smelling.

When you come back from work, there is no trace of him. His backpack is gone, the bed looks neat, and even the towel he probably didn’t use is dry. There’s still his smell, fresh in the air and it makes you run back outside to find the bridge where you had found him the night before.

He is not there.

You were exhausted, but you’re suddenly on fire. This situation is stressing you more than it should be when you don’t see him. It’s like you won’t ever see him again. You look around all the bridges you can find close to your place. Jungkook is nowhere to be seen.

You open the door of your apartment with a heavy heart. It’s like you lost something precious and it’s making you angry. What the hell is happening to you?

But you open the door and it hits again, like a whirlpool of long lost feelings and dried memories.

Jeon Jungkook is in your living-room, and his delectable scent pounds in the deepest zones of your brain. He is sitting on the floor by the small table, right hand dancing over bright white paper and guitar on his lap so you only see his back, but it’s the biggest relief you had in years.

He doesn’t turn around when you let your bag fall on the floor, he doesn’t move when you stop next to him. He looks absorbed, entranced. His knee is shaking to an unknown beat, mimicking his left hand which is drumming on the soft brown wood of the instrument he is holding.

“God. I thought- I’m so stupid.” You don’t want to share your worries with him, but the thought of him throwing himself off a bridge is still fresh. It stings more than it should, more than the pain you’re supposed to feel when confronted with a stranger’s despair.

“Hmm?” Jungkook doesn’t move toward you at first, but eventually his hand stops, and he glances up at your pallid features and tensed body “What’s wrong?”

“I came back home and you were not here. I thought...I thought you did something stupid.” You let your body fall on the couch. It’s like blood is circulating again into your veins, your skin going back its initial colour.

Jungkook is puzzled, like he doesn’t understand why it would be so dramatic for you. “I went around town after I grabbed some stuff from my place.” It’s crazy but he feels sorry for you. “I’m sorry for worrying you” he trails off, scanning your face some more. He has no idea how to react to a stranger panicking over his disappearance. His own family doesn’t panic when he doesn’t show up. He is lost as to why you would be so affected by anything related to him when no one else barely does.

You snort, not mad at him. You’re high on his smell and it’s all that counts. “It’s okay.” Your eyes find his, and his tilted head looks like it’s searching for any sign of discomfort. He only stares back, with eyes way too shiny for someone as dark as him. He looks candid, like he has everything to discover and it’s a mystery how he turned out thinking about the worst. You have no idea what he might be thinking - excepted that you’re probably out of your mind for reacting like this but he doesn’t question your intentions, for whatever reasons. You finally notice the papers and decide to move on before it gets too disturbing to deal with. “What are you doing?” you nod toward the torn pieces of paper and point a finger at the pile stacking up next to his crossed legs.

He swiftly puts it under his leg. “Nothing. Did you just come back from work?” He tries to change the subject. His voice gets higher and you instantly decipher his anxiety. He isn’t good with facing his own problems and it’s way too early to go into deep talks about lyrics and melodies. He might have agreed to a crazy proposition, but that doesn’t mean he is going to open to you. At least not now.

“I looked for you all over the place.” You admit because it’s a normal thing to do when somebody is in distress. Jungkook is dumbfounded.

“Why would you do this?” The situation in itself is already crazy enough as it is. He doesn’t mind you being friendly with him, even though he is pretty sure he doesn’t need it, but to the point of being dead worried for him?

“You were about to throw yourself off a bridge. I don’t know what kind of life you’ve been living but it’s pretty normal to freak out when something like that happens.” Your outburst shocks him. He doesn’t understand the impact of his actions over his surroundings. He has always thought he was just a detail in everyone else’s lives.

It has always been this way. He writes in the shadow for people to shine. Him not being here shouldn’t matter to anyone.

“It’s my business. I’m staying here because I have nothing left and it’s easier than staying in my empty apartment and facing my failures. It doesn’t mean we have to care about each other.” Jungkook doesn’t want to sound mean but he has to make it clear to you. His distress is by no mean a way to ask for anyone’s pity. He refused to add anyone into that mess, let alone a stranger.

It’s obvious, in a way. You know it’s stupid but this scent, it’s making you go wild. You can’t let it pass until you know what it is.

So you agree, taking the same tone and hoping your voice isn’t wavering. “I’m not here for you, I’m worried about another human being wanting to end his life. If it gives you the illusion that I care, I’m sorry about that.” You get up and you sound mad, something Jungkook notices as soon as you close the door a bit too violently.

No matter how mesmerising his scent is, he is apparently not that friendly. You’re not hurt by his words, because you don’t care enough personally to be affected. You’re being selfish, only thinking about your own benefit and what his scent could bring into your life. Jeon Jungkook himself doesn’t pull you in at all. He is someone you barely know anyways.

He doesn’t move from his spot in the living-room until later that night. He suddenly has too many things to write and too little time on his hands. He decides to stop when his wrist starts to hurt and his body hits the mattress of his new bedroom like a bag of sand hits the ground.

He feels at ease in the small room. Wood is covering the floor, and it is the same colour as the tiny office by the window. The view is peaceful, with buildings popping up from the floor like mushrooms and lights festooning the city in tiny dots. The bed is large and thick with soft bedding. The scent of the washing powder turns Jungkook into a nostalgic boy when he rolls into the bed, stretching his sore limbs. He feels even more stupid for feeling comfort in a seemingly empty room.

He falls asleep right away, exactly 10 seconds after you do. You’re both too exhausted to care about each other, but you both know you’re no strangers to your own common serenity.

And just like you understand the importance of his presence for your brain to function, he notices he needs your place to exist in his creative yet tortured mind. As stupid and as hard to believe as it is.

When you get up the day after, you see him by the kitchen’s table. He is sipping on orange juice that is not yours, and munching on toasts you definitely didn’t buy.

You go to the coffee machine, your head too cloudy to deal with his strong presence.

He speaks first “Want some juice?”. He is trying to make it up to you for his cold behaviour. He just isn’t used to being around you yet. He isn’t used being around anyone yet.

Also, he is the worst when he composes. He needs absolute concentration.

You sip on the hot liquid and nod his way. He hands you a glass with an unreadable face.

“Have a nice day.” He doesn’t know why he says it. He tries to be nice, because there’s nothing much to say to someone you met two days ago. Maybe his pride spoke for him yesterday, or maybe he decided to accept the hand of a stranger, because it’s less burdening than accepting his failures to his entourage.

You drink the fresh juice fast and walk away. “Thank you.” It is too hard to be rational right now, because the smell seems even stronger now. You probably come off as rude when you don’t reciprocate his words but you don’t dwell on it; that boy isn’t going to accept any sort of compassion anyways.

You enter the bathroom and get hit by the scent of his shower gel. Not that scent either.

You get ready at the same time as you build your resolve. Motivation is the key so maybe if you believe in you and your assistant, things might work out. Jimin is already here when you arrive, his citrus smell filling you from the first floor to the lab. He is joyful, like he found something awesome.

“Boss! Have a sit, come come!” His thin hand adds a tiny pressure to your back, leading you to your office.

“What’s happening?” You barely have the time to comprehend; he is already putting a sample in front of your noise.

You freeze.

“Wh-where did you find t- t- this ?” You utter, immediately thrown off by the odour.

“I was looking through essences this morning, and I thought we could start with a base, just to see what we could make of it. It’s...”

“Winter fir and Balsam*.” You conclude. Everything in this base is satisfying but the most important detail is that you remember this base. You smelled it this morning when you entered the kitchen.

You smell the very distinct feelings of comfort, warmth and softness which invades you whenever you’re close to Jungkook.

Jimin added a little twist to it, tho. “You added Cottage Herb Garden**”. The latter grins at you, visibly proud of himself for coming up with such a smart idea. He too gives off that feeling of freshness that is found in that herb. It is serene and woody and gives off feelings of sweetness and sensuality. Cottage Herb Garden fragrances are made using Aldehydes synthetic scents.

“I didn’t add much, but I thought it would go well because they both make great seasonal fragrances. I only put 8% though, how did you find out?” he looks shocked but not surprised, like he was half-expecting you to guess it yet still thought it would go unnoticed.

“The herb comes last. The earthy smell that lingers in your nose, it’s this one. Smell it again.” You tell him and he takes his time filling his nose. He closes his eyes and thinks for a moment before opening them again.

“This is Cottage Herb Garden.” You confirm and his mouth is now wide opened. He can’t believe he is working with such a talented person.

“So, do you think we could try? I feel like we’re using a lot of Aldehydes but at the same time it feels like a soft base note…” Jimin trails off, his fingers playing with the bottles.

You acquiesce, mind already elsewhere. It feels like the first step to Jungkook’s identity and it is energising. You take a sharp breath, startling Jimin who laughs at you because it’s like you found life again.

“You sound satisfied.” He offers the sample along with a genuine smile and for the first time, you smile back at him, thankful.

“You did great. I wonder why they hired me when you’re doing great on your own.” It’s true. Jimin came up with extremely complex scents and came up with a base note you would have never found on your own.

Jimin rolls his eyes and decides not to answer. If only he could have a quarter of your talent. He opens his notebook and starts writing, his eyes now shiny with glee

Base notes: Aldehydes (Synthetic) = Winter Fir / Cottage Herb Garden.

You put the sample in front of you and stare at it. So that was it. You smile to yourself, in a way, it’s like you can almost smell Jungkook.

You spent the rest of your day looking for another element to add to your base and when nothing comes to your mind you feel frustrated, but it’s the best you can do for now. Jimin is exhausted and snoring in a corner of the lab, his petite body squeezed between two cabinets. You shake him to wake his sleepy body and tell him to go home when you give up for the day.

It’s been so long since the last time Jungkook felt this satisfied. He didn’t go out, too engrossed into his lyrics to care about the light of the sun peeking through the opened blinds. It’s leaking off his pen, like he can’t stop the flood of ideas and he feels like a mad scientist, crazy and ecstatic. He takes a break around dinner time and when his stomach starts creating its own music.

He takes out noodles from the food he bought the day before. Living with you meant sharing a flat, but he wanted to provide his own necessities. Participating in daily life matters is only natural, after all.

His phone rings, and the caller ID makes him sigh. He is too hungry to face what is about to come, and his spent brain is screaming for rest.

He coughs, keeping his voice steady “Yes.” His tone is disillusioned. Jungkook barely gets any call nowadays, and except from work, he only knows one person who can annoy the hell out of him so much.

“You remember me? I thought depression AND amnesia hit you at once.” He wants to hang up when he hears the throaty voice. It’s heavy with judgement but then again, when is it not?

“And you wonder why I don’t call you, Yoongi-hyung.” Jungkook finishes the sentence in a sigh. Yoongi is awesome at being a nagging mother.

“You’re too busy being away I guess. Artists are such a handful.” He hears steps and after a while, Yoongi speaks again. “Where are you? I’ve been waiting in front of your flat.”

“I moved out.” Jungkook looks fine with the revelation. It’s like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“What? Where? Why didn’t you tell me?” he hears Yoongi’s car and supposes the latter is already going back to his place.

“It’s been two days. I’m living with a girl.” He blows hair on the steaming bowl of noodles, ignoring his friend’s deep shriek.

Yoongi doesn’t know what’s happening anymore. Jungkook leaving on an inspiration crusade is common, it’s something he does whenever he gets overwhelmed by his feelings. Never once did he actually move out to live with someone else, let alone a girl.

He doesn’t even remember when was the last time Jungkook even dated someone. “Living together as in...romantically?” he tries, suddenly wary because he expected a lot of answers, but not this one.

“I couldn’t write anymore. I’m renting a room in her apartment.” He swallows the food like he has been starving for days. There is not the slightest hint of discomfort in his voice.

Yoongi laughs after a while “You’re living with your landlord. God, Jungkook, I know you people need some sort of inspiration to exist, but to the point of living with some old lady for the sake of music...”

“She’s not old.” Jungkook has no idea why it’s the only part of the sentence he reacted to, but all of a sudden he doesn’t want anyone to make fun of the person who took him in, not when he wrote ten songs in the span of two days. Not when he feels like no one can hurt him in your quiet kitchen.

“Anyways. Lunch with me tomorrow, how does that sound? Shall I check on that woman you’re living with ? How much is she charging you ? Aren’t you being scammed?”

“I can’t.” Jungkook sighs, ignoring the numerous questions because this is so typical of Yoongi to make sure no one is messing with him. “I have to eat with my parents, don’t tell them that I moved out.”

“You have always been doing everything you wanted anyways, what would it change if he was to know?”

Because he is going to crush me down like fine dust.

It has always been the same, and no matter how successful he was at some point, his father was never satisfied. Not when music is not a certain source of income, not when reputation comes before everything else.

“I’m hanging up.” He announces once panic overtakes him and hears his friend objects, telling him he will meet with him no matter what.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to see him. It’s just complicated. Jungkook has always been different from others. He was raised with Yoongi and they had the same nanny when they were young. The age difference rapidly made Yoongi turn into the older brother as time passed, and while he was the one introducing Jungkook to music making, he quickly stopped to take over his family’s business. He never explained to him how he drifted from music, but he is now all about business. Their respective parents were and still are too busy to deal with education, and while Yoongi grew up like the sharks his father works with, he took after a quieter side, the one that tells him to do what he wants instead of chasing money.

Yoongi often tells him he is a fool, that he doesn’t need anything else if he can have a bright future with his father’s company. He often answers that he doesn’t want to work without a purpose, and Yoongi always tells him to stop being a hypocrite and rely on his father’s money if he was to spit on it.

It’s true, Jungkook doesn’t know struggling. He was born in a rich family with a lot of possibilities. He was able to become a lyricist after a lot of failures, and his parents never gave up on him financially. This is probably why he is so affected when he can’t write. He doesn’t know how to deal with difficulties, he who lived with all the good things of the world.

He hears the door opening and your sore body appears before him, surprised to see him home. It’s like you were expecting him to run away, again. You don’t speak when you see him, mouth full of noodles and wearing the same clothes you left him in this morning. The silence is thick, oxygen heavy with uneasiness. Jungkook blinks, slurping on the noodles before wiping his mouth hastily.

“Want some noodles?” It’s hard to catch on the words, but he moves the bowl in front of him, and you understand.

You nod.

No matter how strong the smell of seafood is, his scent always wins over everything else. You decide to stay close because you’re slowly deciphering his smell, and you need more time to know where you’re going.

He goes to the cupboard like he has been living here for years and fills another bowl before sitting back. You’re surprised by his sudden gentleness but brush the worries off. You’re supposed to feel weirded by the fact that an unknown man is now living with you, but none of you are freaked out.

Jungkook is too happy to be productive again. You’re too drawn into your memories to stop everything.

You sit in front of him and after a couple of minutes, he speaks. It takes you out of the now soggy food.

“What’s your job?” Jungkook sounds interested, but you know he is only trying to ease the mood.

“I’m a perfume composer.” You decide not to dig further into the matter. It’s a peculiar world, something that only a few people can relate to. Most people think you mix synthetic molecules into expensive glass bottles, wrapped in glitters and hidden into luxury boxes with frills and furbelows.

And you get offended, knowing fully well that it’s exactly what you think you’re doing.

Jungkook doesn’t sound impressed, you’re not surprised by that.

“Sounds complex.” It is. It truly is, and even more when he is entering your every pore. You don’t know if you’ll ever get used to it.

“It’s not.” you lie, “How about you?” His face lits subtly, and he seems shy all of a sudden. You don’t know this side of him yet, and you wonder where his emo behaviour went.

He coughs, putting the bowl down. “I’m a lyricist. I write lyrics and sometimes I compose, but I mostly write.”

“That sounds complex.” You muse. Jungkook is a tormented artist, then. It explains why he keeps on dreaming on bridges like he is filming a music video.

“Sometimes it’s complex, sometimes it’s a matter of course. I’ve been having a blackout recently.” It’s a confession, and he doesn’t know why he is sharing such a deep problem with you, a stranger.

You forget about the food “That’s why you were surrounded by torn papers.”

He chuckles. “Exactly. I’m getting there, though.”

It feels different to deal with such an open Jungkook. He chats like you’re close, smiles sometimes, he is almost glowing.

That evening you learn that he uses a pen name to write lyrics. He doesn’t want to tell you, but you know too little about the music industry and he finally spills the beans.

JK.

It sounds like some mysterious pen name used by thriller writers but you don’t tell him that. Instead, you decide to go to bed. No matter how comfortable you both seem, you’re not ready to share the part about you being addicted to his scent. He goes to his spot near the small table in your living-room and his hand goes back to a wild dance, covering the blank paper with ink. He is inspired.

He goes to bed right when you get up the day after and wakes up late for his lunch with his parents.

It’s not like he is eager to meet with them.

Plants. Plants plants plants. You look through the samples with haste. You know it has something to do with nature. The base note has to be about something else.

“What are you doing?” You smell Jimin the minute he opens the door, but you don’t let yourself be interrupted. You know you sound like a stalker, but you might or might not have smelled Jungkook’s jacket this morning, and you are sure of a thing: there is only one element left to create a frank base.

You don’t know when you switched from creating a perfume to reproduce his scent, but it doesn’t matter.

“All the samples are here, right?” The organ is huge and cabinets full, but it’s not enough for you. Jimin throws his vest on one of the chairs and approaches you, stifling a yawn.

“Yes. I think that’s quite a lot, actually.” He peeks from behind your shoulder, and sees your hands going through the numerous bottles, unsatisfied.

“No. No. These are generic scents. You don’t have any rare roots names, you forgot a lot of exotic fruits and most importantly, you don’t have anything uncommon.”

Jimin makes a face. He is not lost, he is adrift. “I’m afraid I don’t understand...”

“Tobacco abs, myrrh, resinoid, Balkans...” You talk but it sounds like a whole new language even for your assistant.

“Well, we have listed a lot of names. Most of them were used by previous composers, but we added more. I didn’t think it needed that much to be completed.” He knows about perfumes, he has a lot of knowledge, but you’re suddenly on a whole new level and can’t be reached.

You’re suddenly talking about tobacco odours and it freaks him out.

“I have a lot of these at home.” This could seriously help you. You barely use these, and most of them were sent by your father and collected on the internet. It’s the first time you can actually put them to good use because you know they could help, but you can’t bring them here.

Also, you think about how much easier it would be to just move work to an environment bathed by that scent which makes you crazy. How stimulating would it be ?

Jimin is expectant, but you don’t say more. He finally waves a worried hand in front of your face and you snap to meet his blinking eyelids.

“Let’s work from my place. This is what I often did.” Your offer makes him take a step back. He is not used to you being so devoted to this project.

“Are you sure? I don’t think the boss would object. We’ve had a few composers with weird demands before.” He doesn’t know what’s on your mind, but you’re a genius to his eyes and the mere idea of him seeing the place where you created such amazing products is electrifying. He can’t wait to know more about your ways.

“Good.” You glance around the room, “I don’t like this atmosphere.” You don’t mind if Jimin sees your place. At some point, you’re pretty much sure you could go with anything as long as you find the missing pieces of this conundrum.

You’re aware that you’re turning into an obsessional mess, but it feels pleasant to have a goal. This goes beyond everything you experienced, it gives you a fuel you didn’t know you could have.

You take the day to gather some samples and ask Jimin to let the boss know about your change of plans. At the end of the day, he helps you carry the numerous samples home. You’re a happy mind, torn between apprehension and excitement.

You open the door and Jungkook sees two huge boxes enter the living-room. He is rubbing a towel against his wet hair but he catches your box before you can let it crash to the ground. Jimin lets his own fall with a soft thud and you’re startled when you hear a dismayed squeal, along with Jimin’s shocked face, his finger pointing at a puzzled Jungkook.

“JK?!”

-------

* Winter Fir and Balsam : This redolent mixture of refreshing natural pine mingled with a sweet, peppery, delicately refined and soft base note of balsam has a soothing and warm character. It evokes particular feelings of warmth and comfort. The mind’s eye (and nose) recalls Christmas trees and sleigh rides and happy times by a fireside or even in a small apartment among special friends or family.

** Cottage Herb Garden : Sparkling blue waters, gentle summer winds and cozy brick cottages nestled in the lush, serene English countryside characterised this green floral scent. Enticing notes of sweet, earthy, star anise, fresh basil, grassy parsley, aromatic wild flowers, fresh garden greens and a woodsy, sensual musk base note comprise this complex aroma.

71 notes · View notes

yyparkq · 4 years

Text

meraki

([may-rah-kee] GREEK

(n.) to do something with your soul. Creativity, or love; to put something of yourself into your work)

word count: 8,706

pairing: jaebeom x reader

a/n: part of got7 alive fest on twitter. you may also view this on ao3! :)

“Can I buy you a drink?” you offered enthusiastically as you slide beside the man who doesn’t pay any attention to the girl on his other side. The woman glared at your boldness and stomped away when her subject instantly tilted his head to your direction. Trying to hide your own thumping heart, you smiled at his incredulous expression.

After living as a hermit for a few years and squeezing all the creative juices out of your brains onto literary masterpieces, you finally decide to venture out again to your old world. When asked for a recommendation, your agent/best friend didn’t miss a beat telling you about the upcoming party being thrown by your common friends in college—an unusual bachelor party and bridal shower in one. Hearing all the possible details from her made it sound twice more interesting and fun. Before you even knew it, you were nodding your head in excitement and confirming your attendance at the upcoming event. The timing was perfect. You had your scheduled flight earlier on the day of the party, so you could go straight there. The thought of finally seeing your college friends after five years excited you, but above all, you were yearning to see one specific person you dearly missed—Lim Jaebeom.

You had been studying his profile—one you’d recognize anywhere—ever since you entered the party. It’s almost as if he never changed except for his seemingly wider shoulders and longer hair. You smiled at the thought of him still being so fond of casually donning the most basic clothes that otherwise fit the occasion. That, and yet he still managed to pull it off and stand out from the rest of the crowd. Like how he’s wearing a crisp white button-down shirt and slacks that looked way too stiff for a guy to wear at a party. His now long hair slightly unkempt and falling on one side of his cheek.

To say he was surprised is a huge understatement. The last thing he could have expected from Mark’s party is the presence of a woman who dropped him like a hot potato without a single word five years ago, now materializing in front of him and striking up a conversation as if it was yesterday. A tinge of betrayal crept into him as he realized his best friend didn’t bother giving him a heads up about your attendance. He could have prepared a more controlled reaction than a pair of wide eyes and mouth agape with astonishment. Pulling himself together, he looked back at you with a more reserved gaze.

Unconsciously, you bit your lip and broke the eye contact, feeling your cheeks warm but thankful for the dimness of the place at the same time. You never expected his gaze to still have the same overwhelming effect on you even after almost a decade of knowing him.

You cut the eye contact and turned your attention to the bartender in front of you instead, requesting for your usual drink to keep from further making a fool of yourself in front of Jaebeom.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to try that phrase at least once,” you laughed after the bartender slides you your glass. “That was bad, wasn’t it?”

Jaebeom clicked his tongue and took a sip from the half-empty glass in his hand. His sheer annoyance was evident in the way he twisted his wrist and set down the glass abruptly on the counter. As if trying to say something, he looked at you and opened his mouth but was cut short when your friend Wheein screamed your name on the top of her lungs and made her way to your seat.

“Mark is looking for you!” she shouted after putting an arm on your shoulders in an attempt to sweep you to the direction where she came from. You rolled your eyes at her and stood firm in your seat, refusing to be dragged by her strong arms. She tilted her head in question before looking over to the guy seated beside you and instantly grasped the situation. “Oh,” she gasped softly when she recognized Jaebeom. “Look for Mark after you’re done here, he’s in one of the tables at the corner, making out with his bride. Seriously, doesn’t this completely defy the very reason for bachelor’s parties and bridal showers?” she added to which you only answer with a sarcastic smile and a nod. She looked back at the guy beside you and winked before disappearing back into the sea of dancing people.

Despite the blaring music at the party, you and Jaebeom sat in complete silence. Neither of you attempted to start an empty conversation. The situation reminded you of one of the hundred things you used to like about being with him—for you, words and silence both held equal meaning. Though, sometimes words can betray someone twice more than a short silence can.

Growing up, you witness your parents spend most of their downtime doing their individual hobbies while still being together at the same time. Your mom solving her crossword puzzles while your dad watches his favorite crime and murder documentaries on cable tv. The comfortable silence between them has always been a pleasant memory and has been an important factor in most of your relationships.

A walking paradox. That’s what you are. For someone who believes in the power of silence, you also find comfort in expressing yourself through words. Your eloquence never dimmed as you grew up. The delicious combination of you being able to speak your heart out and listen attentively to the other party at the same time built a character that everybody around you loved to be with.

As an only child of a wealthy family, you grew up getting all the love and attention you needed from your humble parents. You were a vivacious child who was ready to face everything and chase her own dreams, thanks to your family who would always tell you to go after whatever made you happy. And even if it turned out to be something that wasn’t for you in the end, at least you wouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering how things could have been if only you tried when you had the chance to. So when you first laid your eyes on an unfamiliar guy sitting in one of your elective classes in college, you knew you were in for a long ride.

Jaebeom’s presence always demanded attention no matter which room he was in. When he sat in front of you for the first time in one of your boring classes after spring break, you are quick to notice the curious stares and discreet glances from your own classmates. Recognizing the possibility of the competition being high, you wasted no time trying to get to know him and introduced yourself right after your class ended.

“Ah, the attentive girl,” he said when you followed him to the hallway and made your existence be known to him.

You smiled brightly, glad that your efforts in answering the professor’s questions correctly during class left a good first impression on him. He offered you a small smile, one that hardly reached his eyes but still made your heart flutter for the very first time. You were expecting to learn his name in exchange but instead, he only walked past you.

At the party, Jaebeom briefly glanced at the approaching guy behind you and sighed.

“This is nuts! Y/N, you really are here! I thought Wheein was just fucking around when she said she brought your ass to our party!” Mark exclaimed, wrapping you in an enormous embrace and ruffling your hair in the process. “Where the hell have you been to? We didn’t hear a single word from you since college. Are you married yet?”

Your eyes rolled at his accusing tone and giggled, briefly glancing back at Jaebeom who was also waiting for your response. “I’m not answering that, Tuan.”

Mark slapped the other guy’s back and whispered something in his ear which he responded with a creased forehead and confused eyes back. Mark laughed and turned his attention to you, showing you the way to the bigger table where everyone else from your common circle had gathered. One last look at Jaebeom’s unamused expression and you let the former guy lead your body, unaware of the latter trailing behind you to join the table.

Five long years you spent living away from your family and friends, justifying the need importance of exercising your independence and trying to hone your skills and interests by taking a literary degree overseas. At some point, you did want to pursue a career in writing. It was your childhood dream, after all. But it wasn’t the only reason you endured half a decade away from the closest people of your life and stepped out of your comfort zone. The moment you decided you wanted to start again, you knew the main reason is to run away from the guy who repeatedly broke your heart. And now that you’re back, you are determined to show a different version of yourself to everyone. One that is no longer naive when it comes to love and to life. You’re fairly confident you’re more than ready to play your part in this new beginning.

Some say we don’t get to choose who we love, but you beg to differ. When you’re stubborn and you love to prove people wrong, it doesn’t come as a surprise when you have chosen to give your all to Lim Jaebeom the moment you laid your eyes on him. Chasing someone for years in this time and day should qualify for modern martyrdom. Jaebeom is one tough nut to crack especially when romantic relationships and commitments don’t exist in his world. That much is known to you but you did not give up, relentlessly bugging him every time you got a chance just to be together—even if it meant only hanging out as good friends. You were vocal with your intentions and your actions spoke so much to your words. Guys wanted to be Lim Jaebeom in a way a girl, as deemed perfect as you are, was always by his side supporting him in his endeavors.

All of your friends used to excessively warn you about Jaebeom being a bad idea, but you must have been blinded by your love that you failed to recognize the red flags that practically waved at you before.

How Jaebeom was able to turn you down twice could be considered a mystery unsolved for everyone, even for his own self. There is no doubt about your intelligence, you’re highly responsible and driven, you’re empathetic and humble and the majority loves to be around you. On top of that, your beauty fits the current societal standards that you don’t even have to try hard. Everyone sees no reason for any man to reject you except that you could be close to an epitome of perfection, setting the bar far too high for anyone.

Mark’s table was filled with laughter and yells from your friends when you reached it. Most of his guests were from the wealthiest families who have been specializing in throwing parties since college. Fortunately, the majority of your closest circle of friends managed to group themselves for that night when you joined them. Stories and questions about the time you spent away from everyone else rained on you. How you spent the last five years—stories about your campus life, your travels, the one of a kind experiences you had—were mostly shared that night. Somehow, Jaebeom was thankful for Mark’s presence for he knew he wouldn’t be able to hear so much from you if you were left alone with him.

Jaebeom and Mark took pride in your highly improved alcohol tolerance. Both expected you slurring on your words after a couple of cocktail drinks like you used to in college but there you were, looking as sober as you could as you briefly played poker with the other guests and even after downing innumerable glasses of cocktails and beers in the last four hours at the party.

Somehow you managed to genuinely enjoy the time at the party, playing games, dancing, and laughing with your friends, all the while thinking about the fact that Jaebeom had been talking to a girl he’s involved himself with—the last straw from five years ago. It would have been a lie if you said you never played all the possible scenarios in your head to prepare yourself when you once again meet the two people who have caused you your heartache before.

It took Jaebeom a couple more hours before mustering the courage to actually strike a conversation with you. Just when you were about to call it a night and head back home did he find himself quicker on his heels. All you wanted at that moment was to go home, plop yourself into your bed, and sleep the night away—exhaustion finally dawning into you.

It almost drove him crazy when he realized that you almost left again that night without bidding him goodbye. He hated how you made it look so easy to leave him every time.

You stopped dead in your tracks after hearing Jaebeom shout your name.

He rushed to you and gently reached out for your arm, his cheeks and nose were burning and you’re not sure if it’s because of the liquor or the crisp night air of the nearing autumn season. “Y/N. Let’s talk,” he said.

The corners of your mouth slightly twitched upwards after clearly hearing his voice for the first time that night.

A talk would’ve been a nice idea if your mind was not so clouded with the thoughts and memories with him right now. You already promised yourself to not give in to his ill intentions. You could only hope to make sound and logical judgments for yourself this time especially when he seems to know so well when and how to talk you out to serve his best interest.

You opened your mouth for a second before shaking your head and looking briefly at the ground. “I can’t—I can’t talk, Jae,” you sighed, feeling the night air nip on your bare skin. “Not right now. I’m exhausted. Maybe next time?” you whispered weakly and your forehead creased when you felt a ringing inside your head. Why did you even think a night of partying after a five-hour flight was a good idea?

Jaebeom stared at you for a good minute and noticed your utter discomfort unrelated to his presence “Then just let me drive you home. You look like you’ll pass out any second from now.”

Even after all the years that passed, he’s still able to look right through you and read you like an open book—one that had bothered you the most before and the very reason that kept you from coming back. You knew you wouldn’t be fooling anyone if you said you’re over him, and yet you’re in this situation.

You could have just called Wheein to drop you off your apartment. But your head started getting heavy and the thought of heading back to the party to fetch her didn’t sound like a good idea; you’re certain she wouldn’t be able to check her phone right away if you call her.

As if reading your mind, he proceeded to tug on your arm and guide you to his car. “I’ll tell Mark to send your car tomorrow.”

You muttered a quick thanks and typed your new apartment’s address to his car’s navigation before helplessly falling asleep during the ride.

Jaebeom stared at your face for a while after parking in front of your building. He wanted so much to hold you close to him and feel your body against him again but he knew better than to chase you away for the second time. It had been so long since he saw you this close. And though he spent a number of times visiting you incognito, he couldn’t help but feel a much stronger sense of regret for all the things that he has done to hurt you.

The clicking sound of your seatbelts being unfastened pulled you from the slumber. Jaebeom’s face was inches away from yours and you had to push him away due to shock. The brief nap you had made you feel so much better, your head feeling much lighter.

“Thanks for the ride,” you muttered sheepishly and immediately turned to open your side of the door to get off his car.

He stayed inside his car until he saw you made your way up into the elevator and remained seated in the dark for at least half an hour more before leaving the building.

Maybe hate is not the opposite of love, but indifference. Even in both spectrums, you couldn’t quite put a finger where you stood in your relationship with Lim Jaebeom. He’s like an opaque glass, extremely unpredictable and distant. There might have been times when you thought he’s finally letting his guard down and you inside his invisible shell, but now you’re not sure if or any of those times were even real. Despite being erratic, you stayed by his side, continuously cheering him on with his major life decisions as an unwanted friend and supporter.

It was your last semester break in college—one that didn’t really look like a break since graduation requirements were starting to pile up in addition to your internships and remaining academic classes—when Jaebeom stopped explicitly flirting with girls and started to constantly hang around you. He had a knack of fooling other people to believe he liked them more than he truly did, and you were in no way an exception in one of his schemes then. He made you feel you were important to him, made you think that he actually loved you and you never dared question it for once, finally seeing the end of your own chase.

Your friends thought he was finally coming to his senses and was getting ready to establish a serious relationship with you. Despite your conflicting schedules, every night he’d wait for your shift and classes to end to simply grab dinner together and then drive you back home. Even after he dropped you off, he’d call you’ll talk about the most random things over the phone until you both fell asleep. On his lunch breaks, he’d occasionally text you the lamest jokes he’s learned. His efforts never failed to make you smile.

But his sweet gestures lasted only for almost half a year. Right when you’ve finally garnered the courage to formalize taking your relationship to the next level, he had decided to put a stop to the little game he thought was going on between you. You didn’t mind having to lead the relationship with him at all. Putting a label on your relationship seemed like the last step in accomplishing your goal, considering all your efforts in trying to make him fall in love with you. But the end doesn’t always justify the means. One thing you have learned the hard way. Relationships are supposed to be two-way. Both parties need to practice give and take. And throughout the course of loving Jaebeom, you failed to realize how you’ve excessively poured yourself to him that you almost left little to nothing for yourself.

After finding out that he had slept with one of your closest friends, the only thing you could think of was to run away. Away from everyone even for a short period of time. That was the last straw. If he happened to sleep around before showing you his gentle and caring side and promising you a future with him, you could easily will yourself to not get hurt. But how could he go around sleeping with another girl when he made it clear to you that he wanted you to stay in his life?

Desperate for an escape, you negotiated with your father to buy yourself time to heal and move on. When he gave you his blessing to move across the country and spend some time alone for a couple of years, you took it as an opportunity to run away.

With your love for literature, you decided to pursue a degree related to it. You spent most of your time traveling, looking for inspiration to start your piece. You traveled across countries, visiting the most romantic places on earth alone, casually reminiscing the relationship you had with Jaebeom and thinking of all the other possibilities that could have happened if only you knew better than to chase a guy away. If there was one thing you could be grateful for the most, despite your situation, it’s having a chance to prepare yourself to write your very first book. You’ve always pictured yourself publishing a novel in the science fiction/fantasy category. A couple of unfinished novels sat on your computer since high school, somehow you couldn’t find the will to finish any of them and end each story. Little did you know the first one you will author close to actual completion is inspired by your own encounter with the love of your life. You planned for an open-ended story, wanting to finish the novel but not brave enough to put an absolute end to the story yet.

Finally, it was time for you to keep your end of the bargain with your father. You needed to come back to assume a position in your family business. You thought five years was enough to get over Lim Jaebeom, but then it seemed as if you were always wrong when it comes to him.

Your new office was luxurious. It had an enormous space elegantly decorated with black and gold pieces of furniture and minimalist ornaments. The floor to ceiling glass windows was overlooking the bustling city and gave you a stunning view of the sunset. The secretary assigned to help you with your new role in the company looked a few years younger than you but was always quick to pick things up and anticipate your needs, which is exactly what you need for.

The idea of working with your family members never really pleased you, but you couldn’t go back on your word, not when your father had been constantly at your disposal, attending to most of your whims your whole life. You didn’t want to disappoint him in any way. With your attitude towards work, it had been easy for you to focus on the upcoming big projects you will soon be supervising for the company. You almost became the first and the last person to leave the building sooner than everybody expected. You didn’t mind spending hours of meeting with the board or the investors, presenting the most innovative projects.

A bouquet of flowers, which you paid almost no attention to, sat on the far end of your desk. You were rarely the kind of person who appreciated such notions until you noticed a small note—congratulating you on your first day—before going out of your office to attend a meeting. There was no implication of who the sender was but you already have an idea.

Every single day in the next two weeks, different kinds of flowers greeted you in the office. You had to tell your secretary to get rid of every single one of it after plucking out each note and stashing it in one of your desk drawers. At one point, your secretary asked if you’d rather have the lobby not accept the deliveries to save you both the effort in getting rid of it but you refused, not entirely sure why.

It’s Saturday morning but you decided to go to your office much earlier than you usually do, wanting to go over some reports that had bugged you all night. The sun had barely risen when you arrived, a steaming cup of coffee on your hand. You gripped the hot drink tightly when you noticed Jaebeom’s tall frame inside your office. Sometimes it just makes you question the security of the place, really.

“Ah, I find it easier to get rid of flowers than of a human,” you spat. “What are you doing here?”

Jaebeom turned around to watch your guarded expression as you circled around your desk and settled in your chair. He wondered how come you have changed so much. “You never spoke to me after that night.”

You scoffed. Did he really think you were back in the city to continue chasing a man? “I don’t think there’s anything we need to talk about, Mr. Lim,” you smiled tightly and briefly remembered yourself instigating a talk after Mark’s party. “Besides, you’re not the reason I came back.”

Jaebeom closed the distance between you two. “You’ve changed. A lot.”

You wanted to scream at his face but you knew better than to openly show your feelings around him again. Trying your best to act nonchalant, you tilted your head to the side. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. It’s easier for you to assume that I have because this is not the Y/N you used to mess around with, right?” you said with a smile and stood up, planning to open the door and kick him out of your office. “I really hope you did change too, Beomie.”

It only took Jaebeom a couple of strides to stop you midstep. He turned you to face him and dipped his head slightly, lifting your chin in one swift motion to briefly press his lips on yours. His other hand lightly grazed your cheek. It was a light peck on the lips but it felt and tasted exactly how he did years ago. How you managed to preserve such memories of him surprised you.

You were stunned. Stunned by the fact that he kissed you ever so gently like you were a fragile little thing.

He paused and looked at you and you couldn’t stand another moment so close to him without his lips on yours. Soon, you started returning his kisses until you were both gasping for air. Just like that, the last five years you spent trying to move on from Jaebeom went down the drain.

“I fucking missed you,” he whispered and lightly kissed the sides of your mouth, arms circling around your waist. “So much.”

You tried so hard to not push him away as soon as those words left his mouth. For years you craved hearing it from him but why now? You were ready to go on with your life. Tears started to prick at the corner of your eyes. You never wanted to admit it to yourself but you missed him, too, dearly.

Only when you replied with nothing but a complete silence did Jaebeom stop his ministrations and took a good look at you. The conflict going on in your head evident on your face and he blanched.

“You selfish prick,” you muttered, blinking away the moisture in your eyes. “I don’t want to play your games anymore. I already spent number of years hating myself because of you. Please don’t make me feel that way again.”

Jaebeom pulled you in for a proper hug and shook his head lightly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he cooed. “Let me make this right, please?” he begged. “Let’s have dinner later. I’ll pick you up, okay?” he searched your eyes for approval but you shook your head and peeled yourself away from him.

Fuck dinner.

The moment Jaebeom vanished from your office, you freely let your tears fall. All the walls you’d built around yourself for years came crumbling down all with just a fucking kiss. You let yourself weep for a few more minutes before pulling yourself together again and trying your best to focus on your work. It’s a good thing that all that happened on a Saturday morning when you barely had an employee around to see you on your most vulnerable state. After a few hours, you couldn’t seem to properly do what you intended to do that day so you just brought the papers you’re supposed to review, hoping you could finally take a look with a clear mind by the time you reach your apartment.

It was around 7 P.M. when your doorbell rang. Jaebeom’s face flashed on the little screen of your doorbell intercom. Did he take your response earlier as an approval to take you to a fucking dinner?

There is no way you will be going out with him again. And yet Jaebeom stood silently at the other side of the door for almost two hours. He couldn’t forget how soft you could get for other people—even for a cruel man like himself who didn’t deserve you. And you? How could you forget how stubborn he could be when he wants something?

You dressed in a simple white shirt and pants and put on a light coat before exiting your apartment. Jaebeom’s eyes lit up at the sound of the doors unlocking. He smiled despite you pulling an annoyed expression on him. You briefly argued about bringing your own cars to the diner. Insisting you should share a ride to the restaurant, Jaebeom ended up in your passenger seat.

The dinner went unexpectedly smooth and you appreciated how he tried to make the mood light. You started talking like old friends over dinner, reminiscing some of the most memorable experiences you shared from years ago yet careful to not touch sensitive topics that would otherwise ruin the evening.

The night ended with him insisting to drive back. He knew how you used to hate driving when it was dark due to your bad eyesight back in college. Though you already underwent LASIK surgery and found no problem driving now, somehow the unpleasant memory was still at the back of your mind whenever you got behind the wheel at night so you opted not to protest.

The short drive to your apartment had been filled with comfortable silence except for Jaebeom’s occasional snide remarks directed to other drivers on the road.

It was a spur of the moment decision when you invited him to your home for a cup of tea—something you used to both enjoy after a long day.

You knew very well where this was going but you didn’t care, too tired to worry about things that hadn’t happened yet. Once again you wanted to just yield with fate.

The first night with Jaebeom after five awfully long years was spent snuggling close to each other while watching a movie. The old Jaebeom you knew wouldn’t have stayed for the night unless you begged him to, but now it seemed the tables had completely turned as he practically begged you to allow him to stay with you, promising he’d keep his hands to himself.

“What’s the point of staying here, then?” you teased him.

He blushed at your words and muttered something inaudible before you both settled comfortably under your sheets, the movie playing in the background as you felt each other’s warm body.

Every weekday after work, you would grab dinner together—in restaurants, takeouts, sometimes you alternate making home-cooked meals. Weekends were spent still hanging out together. He’d often invite himself over your house and show up at your doorstep uninvited. Soon he learned your passcode but never really used it to let himself inside until you tried to ignore his calls and refuse to open the door for him.

He was like a piece of gum that’s hard to get rid of and you’d be lying if you said you had no idea what’s coming.

Jaebeom and you both silently came to the conclusion of not wasting time playing stupid games anymore. Five years worth of time had just been wasted and you didn’t have the luxury of time chasing each other around instead of actually making up for the time that you lost.

Your current setup extended for two more months and you were starting to think that your history repeated itself. The situation felt all too familiar—constant hanging out, occasional making out sessions, endless arguments, and banter over the smallest of things. One thing that has changed though is how Jaebeom had become undeniably soft for you each time. He smiled and joked a lot around you and showered you with physical affection more every time he got the chance. At the back of your mind, you were thinking of the possibility of him doing all these little cute things just to get into your pants, but seeing him not even try his hardest to get it on with you makes you doubt yourself for even thinking about it. He could have jumped into bed with you and used your body for all he wanted but he never did, always asking for your consent even for a mere kiss on the lips every time. The way he would pause less than an inch away from your face before kissing you or the way he would hold you loose so you can easily get out of his grasp whenever he held you.

Wheein gave up trying to help you open your eyes and avoid making the same mistakes after the first month you constantly spent with Jaebeom. She knew you too well to try and waste energy to convince you that you were just gonna end up hurting yourself more this time. That and the fact that she hadn’t seen you this euphoric for the longest time. All she can do now was hope that your man was not stupid enough to let you go again.

The last two months had gone so smoothly. And you know sooner or later you would have to actually talk like real adults in a relationship. So far, Jaebeom still hadn’t made any move in identifying what kind of relationship you were having and you were afraid that you would fall more deeply in love with a guy who hadn’t changed one bit for you.

The following weekend, Jaebeom invited you over to his place. He entered an expensive neighborhood on the outskirts of town and pulled up to an elegant-looking residence. It had stunning glass walls and warm lights that illuminated the vicinity of the house.

You bit back your tongue to stop yourself from asking incredulous questions. You wanted so bad to ask him if he’s married. There’s no way he’s living in that house alone and without a family.

He opened your door and led you inside the house. It smelled so much of fresh sandalwood like his old apartment. You looked around the house and smiled at the grand piano that sat in the living room. You’d always pictured your kids with him taking after his musical talents.

You flinched when Jaebeom hugged you from behind. Instantly blushing at your own playful thoughts of building a family with him.

He chuckled and lightly took your hand, entwining your fingers together before grazing his lips against it. “Are you thinking about it?”

Your brows knit together. “About what?”

“The piano at your parents’ house?” he smiled. “We almost did it.”

Your eyes shut at the memory of making out with Jaebeom at one of the parties your cousin threw in your house. That was the first time you kissed Jaebeom and since then you never had enough of him. You took a deep breath and tried to focus on your agenda for tonight. You had to make sure you cleared things up between you two before cruising towards yet another possible road to heartbreak.

Sighing, you turned around and marched away from him but stopped when you saw the dinner he had prepared. He led you to the table and pulled out a chair for you. Your heart is throbbing so loud, you were worried he might be able to hear it.

“Jae—”

Before you could even begin, he shushed you. “I know what you’re trying to say. We can talk about it later. Let’s eat first. Please?”

Did he know, really? Maybe he did but he just didn’t care. It’s not that impossible. Maybe he did not change at all. He was still the selfish bastard who only knew how to take from you and never gave even the smallest piece of himself in return.

You couldn’t stand to let the questions live in your mind rent-free. It should be now or never. If he were to say he didn’t want a relationship, then so be it. You weren’t looking for another reason to cry, you’ve had enough of that. I’m ready, you told yourself inside your head. Ready to face the worst again tonight.

“No. We have to talk about this now. Otherwise, we’ll go around in circles again. And I’m tired, Jaebeom.” It took you a great amount of willpower to display a straight face in front of him. “I don’t want to be with you anymore. The last few months have been great but that’s it. That’s all we could ever be. I don’t want to go any further.”

You’re a terrible liar.

“You say I’m selfish. And I know very well the game you are playing.” He reached for your hands but you stepped away. “But you can’t win, Y/N,” he said, confident in his own words. “Because you already want me. And you don’t stop chasing what you want until you get your hands on it.”

Maybe he was right. You were terrified thinking he did not change after all these years and yet you never realized you took little to no step in changing yourself when it came to him.

You shook your head, tears attempting to escape the corner of your eyes.

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” your voice trembled. “Every second I spend with you, I’m on my toes. Ready to protect myself from being hurt again. But—but right now, I want to make an exception. I will let myself be hurt again if it means I will finally be able to completely let you go.

“Please tell me you never really loved me. I might have been in love but I wasn’t that stupid. I swear we were almost there. I believed it. I believed every time. And yet you made it look so easy to turn your back at me. For years I have questioned my worth to be treated like that. Was I not enough?”

Jaebeom’s cheeks flushed. His eyes are burning.

“I wasn’t ready for you to leave me then!” he shouted as he walked away from you and collapsed onto the couch, his hands roughly brushing his face in an attempt to clear his thoughts. “Everyone I love does,” a short silence and then he got up again. “I didn’t want you to leave me then or now,” he whispered quietly.

You laughed and stood in front of him. “So you slept around after telling me you want me to stay in your life? You thought that would make me stay?”

“I never slept with anyone then.”

If not for the sincere gaze he held with you, you’d definitely think he’s lying. But Jaebeom rarely lied. He’s a cold-hearted asshole who hurt people with the truth, no matter how hard it was.

“Then why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“At first I thought you got tired of me because I finally confessed to you. I thought you were done and that you were ready to leave me. I talked to your parents—”

“You talked to my parents?”

He nodded. “They told me you were moving across the country to get away from me. How could I stop you when your father almost wanted to kill me when he told me how you cried every night thinking your parents didn’t hear you?”

Jaebeom quietly stood up and faced you. He cupped your face and muttered “I’m sorry” repeatedly, kissing your tears as they continued to stream down your cheeks. “I love you so damn much. I will never forgive myself if I lose you again. Please trust me again. For the last time?”

He pulled you with him and settled back down to the couch. You stayed in his arms silently for the rest of the night.

The next morning, you woke up to the sound of your phone ringing. Your swollen eyes hurt the moment you tried to look for the loud device. How you ended up in one of the beds in an unfamiliar house after a night of crying is a question easily thrown out the window.

An arm tightened around your waist when you attempted to get up. You whipped your head at the man beside you. He was sporting a deep frown beneath his long strands that partially covered his face. His wide shoulders on full display as he slept shirtless.

Your heart thumped loudly at the sight of Lim Jaebeom’s face so early in the morning. You wanted to kiss him. But you still owed yourself time to think through everything before jumping on your feelings again, aiming for a sound and logical justification of your next actions hoping to save yourself from any regrets in the near future.

You asked for space. A clear space to do your thinking and evaluation of your current status with Jaebeom. He promised to give it to you but with a condition—he will get to talk to you even on the phone every morning. The hell was this man actually thinking? How were you supposed to do your thinking when he’s continuously trying to fill your system with himself? Knowing he wouldn’t back down from any argument, you never objected but never promised anything either.

Every morning, a husky voice greeted you on the other line. This continued for a week and a half until he can no longer bear not seeing you in flesh.

“Come on, we already let five years pass. That’s more than enough time of suffering for me, baby,” he told you when he barged in your office carrying a baked salmon takeout for lunch. He knew that kind of food will work its magic on you. And sure, it did. When he was available during lunch, he’d come by your office to grab a meal with you. He’d also wait for you to finish your work to drive you back home. A lot of times you had to ask your secretary to take your car home.

You wanted to take all the time that you needed to establish your relationship with him. But when your friend Wheein played cupid for the both of you and hoisted an incredibly hot guy as your suitor to serve as ‘threat’, Jaebeom wasted no second in claiming you as his girlfriend, despite the fact that you both have been definitely acting like one already. “Seriously, Y/N? Do you ever learn? You need the commitment to make this shit work! Let me do the work for you.” Wheein scolded you when you told him you’re not yet in a conventional “official relationship”.

Mark’s wedding came. The ceremony had been elegant and extremely intimate. A slight contradiction to his past relationship with his now-wife.

Throughout the ceremony, Jaebeom stared at you from the altar. He watched as your eyes shone with tears when the bride walked the aisle and the couple shared their handwritten vows. He watched as you tried to look away when he was caught intently staring at you from across the church, trying to shy away from the evident desire to be in the same shoes as the bride.

If he could, he would have given you the world. He was ready to give you anything you asked for just for you to be happy. Marriage, he thought, is something that never really crossed his mind until you came back. Considering all the shit he put you through, he wouldn’t be surprised if you turn him down at least once. Maybe he deserves it but he will never give up on you again.

Thoughts cloud his mind but Jaebeom managed to keep his hands on you the whole course of the afterparty when he wasn’t aiding the groom. You didn’t mind, noticing the clouded expression plastered on his face. He didn’t have any liquor so he should be just tired, you assume.

That night, you decided to sleep over at his apartment. Wanting to save your boyfriend some extra time from driving back and forth from your house to his. Plus, his building was relatively closer to the reception compared to yours. Fortunately, Jaebeom lit up at your decision, excited to spend another weekend with you.

As soon as the door to his apartment closed, his lips found yours. It took you a second before returning his frantic kisses, your head lightly bumping into the wooden door as he pressed his own body against yours. He kissed you as if his life depended on it. His hands skimmed your curves and bunched up a fistful of your gown to caress your thigh.

Desperately gasping for air, you pushed him. Jaebeom must have noticed your legs almost turning into a jelly so he hoisted your hips upward, your legs automatically straddling his as he walked into the bedroom while supporting your body with a hand on your ass.

The way he gently placed you on the bed almost shocked you, like you were somewhat made of glass that could be broken with the slightest pressure. He propped himself on one elbow and stared at your eyes. You can tell something’s bothering him.

“A penny for your thoughts?” you whispered as you lightly touched his face, worried.

He shook his head and nuzzled your head instead of answering. Silently, he continued to stroke your sides and thigh lightly.

You didn’t want to force him to tell you what was bothering him, so you exerted an effort to flip your positions, determined to help your boyfriend relax.

Straddling his waist, you perched on top of him and started kissing him passionately. Slowly, you undid each button of his shirt.

He moved to help you discard his shirt and then reached around you to unzip your dress. He pulled the garment over your head and threw it on the floor. Now you’re completely bare in front of him, except for your underwear.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered on your lips before kissing you again. The way you ground your hips on his crotch driving him mad.

You stopped him when he attempted to go south, remembering your desire to help him ease the tension.

Jaebeom looked at you with confusion when you captured both his wrists and pinned them on either side of him.

“Let me take care of you,” you said, kissing the corner of his lips. The look on his eyes was replaced with amusement. You took your time concentrating on his upper body first, alternately kissing and sucking on his neck down to his abs while your hands massaged his member through his pants.

Jaebeom bit his lip. The mere sight of you naked and working on his jeans, barely even touching him, is enough to make his cock twitch in his pants. Each second you spent teasing him by slowing your movements was pure torture.

He immediately lifted his hips to help you pull his pants enough to free his cock.

Your hands instantly held the swollen tip and spread the precum around his head. You barely even touched him and the fact that he was hard as a rock for you sent delicious heat to your core. Your hands went up and down his shaft a few times, applying just the right pressure you came to learn lately with him.

Jaebeom had his eyes closed, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth, trying his best not to moan.

Seeing Jaebeom unravel under your touch had become your addiction.

Your mouth soon replaced the greater portion where your hands used to touch a second earlier. And that was all it took for Jaebeom to finally moan loud, followed by a string of curses as his hips uncontrollably jerked at the warm feeling of your mouth. His hands found purchase on your hair. His moans motivated you to take him deeper down your throat in each thrust until you were almost gagging, eyes moist with tears.

He tried to keep himself from thrusting hard on your mouth when he noticed a tear escape your eye. “Shit. Baby, are you okay?”

You lightly shook your head and continued bobbing your head up and down his shaft until you could feel his cock twitch uncontrollably inside your mouth, signaling his release.

Jaebeom immediately pulled out and laid you on the bed, kissing you hard. He moved your panties to one side, dipping a finger to test your wetness. His other hand fondled your breast, twisting and pinching your nipples. You moaned to the kiss and arched your back, his ministrations throwing all of your senses into overdrive.

He peeled the last piece of clothing off of you and licked a strip between your folds before working his wet muscle inside your walls. You screamed and almost crushed his skull between your legs if not for his arms that massaged your mounds.

“Beom-ah,” you panted.

Jaebeom hummed in return, the vibrations causing your opening to clench around his tongue. He used his fingers to open you up and suck on your clit then proceeded to thrust fingers into your core.

You shook uncontrollably as the orgasm hit you and Jaebeom didn’t cease his fingers’ movements. He got back up and kissed your lips again. Aligning the tip of his cock to your opening.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you so fucking much. You drive me crazy.” he panted as he sheathed himself inside of you.

You wanted to say it back but your body was aching. After all the sex with your boyfriend, your core still doesn’t seem to have adjusted to his girth.

Jaebeom waited a few minutes before moving his hips, letting you adjust around him. He peppered kisses on your face and behind your ear. “Still so fucking tight.”

“I love you too, Lim Jaebeom,” you whispered and moved your hips after adjusting.

Jaebeom started thrusting, slow but hard. All the while he was intently looking at your face, contorted with pleasure. He kept saying he loves you and you kept ignoring it, unable to make out words in your current position.

“Y/N shit,” he breathed. “I love you so much. Please marry me and have kids with me.”

You opened your eyes to see the sincerity in his eyes. Fuck, he meant it.

“What?”

Jaebeom slowed down his thrusts even if it hurt. “I love you so much. Please marry me, Y/N.”

Tears pricked the corner of your eyes at the sudden marriage proposal. Never in your whole life had you imagined someone proposing marriage in the middle of the sex. If it wasn’t Jaebeom, you would have laughed. But it was him asking you. The guy you loved the most in your life. And even if he turned out to be just joking, you very well knew that there was a part of yourself wishing he actually meant it.

“Are you serious?”

“I’d do it the normal way some other time, baby. But I’ve said what I’ve been thinking about lately.” He tucked some loose hair behind your ear as he looked down at you. “I want to be yours forever. If you’d let me, I would marry you in every place you like.”

The cock twitched inside of you twitched as if urging you for affirmation.

Jaebeom searched your eyes for an answer. Only when you nodded and muttered a barely audible ‘yes’ did he continued to move in and out of you.

124 notes · View notes