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boxofbonesfic · 2 years

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Title: ᴅᴇᴠɪʟ ʙᴇᴛᴡᴇᴇɴ ᴜꜱ [5]

Pairing: Rockstar!Bucky Barnes x Reader

series masterlist || series playlist || chapter song

Summary: Drowning in women and designer drugs, Bucky Barnes of Valkyrie’s Revenge is in a race to rock bottom. Fed up, his bandmates give him an ultimatum—straighten up, or fuck off. In a last, desperate bid to maintain his place, he agrees to return to the one place he swore he’d never set foot again—home.

Warnings: Angst, Drug Addiction, Depression, Suicidal ideation, Mental Health issues, Toxicity, Recreational Drug use, Hard drug use, PTSD, Dealing with trauma, Slow Burn, Fluff, MINORS DNI, [More to be added]

A/N: whew. this chapter… i tried to warn you guys, i really did. buckle up!! as always, i recommend you listen to the chapter song while reading, or alternatively, listen to the fic playlist! thank you so much for reading! divider by @firefly-graphics

series playlist || chapter song

This work is entirely unbeta’d, and unedited. Though I don’t own any of Marvel’s characters, this work and the plot contained inside are entirely mine. I do not consent for this work to be posted anywhere else by anyone but me. Enjoy 😘

It’s Iris’ shaking that wakes you, her little hands jerking your shoulder back and forth as you blearily open your eyes to the almost total darkness.

“Mommy, mommy there’s somebody at the door,” she says, her voice nervous. You sit up, rubbing at your eyes. It takes you a moment to process what she’s said, and you listen for a few seconds, but hear only the quiet sounds of the house settling, dripping faucets, branches scratching against the plastic siding.

“Wha?” You shake your head. “No, baby, it’s bedtime, nobody comes around this late—” You’re interrupted by a fierce round of knocks—some of them so loud, you’re fairly certain the person responsible is kicking your door. It only takes a moment for you to go from sleepy to high-alert, your eyes flicking between your daughter and your bedroom door.

“See?” She whimpers, clamoring onto the bed and clutching at you. You detangle yourself from your anxious daughter, and reach under the bed for the baseball bat you keep there—just in case. Even though your heart is pounding, you know you can’t show her how scared you are—Iris is only as calm as you are.

“Kiddo, you’re going to stay right here in mommy’s room, okay? I’m going to go downstairs and see who’s at the door.” You softly close the door behind you, jumping as the doorbell rings just before the knocks resume. With sweaty hands, you grip the worn handle of your father’s bat, and edge down the stairs towards the door. You hear a loud crack, like wood splintering outside the door, and then—your name?

“Open the do-hic-ooor,” Bucky moans, and through the thick frosted glass you see him rest his forehead against the little window at the top of the door. You fumble with the chain, the bat clattering as it hits the floor. You turn the handle, and Bucky practically falls inside. He stumbles over the threshold, and you scramble to catch him so that he doesn’t clip his head on the end table. He rests heavily on you, his head lolling.

“Bucky?!” You hiss his name. “What—what are you doing?” He attempts to stand up, straightening his jacket as he shoves his hands into his pockets. You resist the urge to slam the door as he shoulders past you—you don’t need Iris more riled up than she already is. “Are you fucking crazy?”

He staggers against the wall. “I n-needed t’see you.” His watery smile is barely even that, a slight upturn at the corners of his trembling mouth before he drags the back of his hand across his sweaty forehead. “Wan’ to see you,” he repeats, slurring.

“Bucky it’s fucking two a.m.” You throw your hands up. “It’s fucking two a.m. and you are scaring my fucking kid!” You’re tempted to hit him, to slap some fucking sense into him because clearly he doesn’t have any right now. Your hand twitches at your side as you tamp the urge back down.

“My fucking kid,” he retorts, and you feel a portion of your righteous anger break off and crumble into guilt. “Isn’t s-she?” He shakes his head like he’s trying to clear it. He glares at you with lidded, red-rimmed eyes. You want to say no, you know you should, for the sake of your peace, your daughter’s peace, to uphold the promise you’d made to your parents, to yourself.

But you can’t. It won’t come. You’re floundering watching his face contort into some unnameable expression. You don’t know how he’s figured it out, how his addled brain has finally put the pieces together.

“I w-wanna see her.” He slurs, and tries to step around you. You block him, shoving him backwards.

“You’re high out of your fucking mind Bucky! I don’t even want you in my fucking house!” You shrill. “Where’s Steve?” Bucky hunches his shoulders defensively. His glassy eyes roll as he tries to deny what you can plainly see.

“‘M’not high,” he mumbles. “I—”

“Bucky you can’t even speak!” You yell, and then wince, hoping Iris isn’t listening at the top of the stairs. “You show up here at the most ungodly fucking hour, demanding to see Iris— “ You cut yourself off, pinching the bridge of your nose. “Bucky you fucking terrified her, okay? You—I’m going to call Steve.” Your exasperated words make him flinch. He tries to stop you as you reach for your phone, but his movements are heavy and slow.

“That lying piece of shit. Don’t—” He reaches for you, and you slap his hand away, your heart pounding.

“Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do in my house.”

“I’ll l-leave. If you call him.” He threatens, his voice hard. His pupils are dilated wide, his eyes wet, but you can tell he means it. You know you shouldn’t feel responsible for Bucky, not now, not ever again, but it doesn’t stop you from feeling it anyway. You scrub a frustrated hand over your face, tangling your fingers in your hair before you squeeze your eyes shut, regretting the decision before it even comes out of your mouth.

“Okay, fine,” you relent, holding your hands up. “No Steve. But you can’t see Iris like this.” Bucky looks rough. You know he’s been out partying, doing only God knows what—his eyes are red-rimmed and watery, his nose red and irritated. He looks like he’s going to argue with you, but after a moment snaps his mouth shut angrily.

“Fine.”

“You can sleep on the couch.” You say stiffly. “I’m going to go get you a blanket. Stay down here.” The words are curt, short as though you’ve bitten off their edges. He opens his mouth, and you’re not sure you want to hear what’s going to come out of it next, so you turn away, and march directly up the stairs. You wait at the top to hear the tell-tale creak of the first stair, but it doesn’t come.

For a few seconds, you pace on the landing, hands balled into fists and pressed against your closed eyes. Bucky is here. He knows. He knows. He knows. You can’t stop the endless refrain inside your own skull, panicked tears tightening your throat as you try to swallow against them.

Calm down. Iris can’t see you like this.

You take slow, hiccoughing breaths, swallowing back the tears and anger until they’re gathered into a tight, hot ball in your chest. Forcing it down, you head for your bedroom.

Your door is cracked open, and Iris peers at you guiltily through the gap. You almost want to laugh as she jumps backwards, hopping nervously from foot to foot as you cross your arms.

“I thought you were supposed to be in bed,” you say, raising an eyebrow. Iris scuffs her foot guiltily against the floor.

“I, um, I heard Mr. Bucky,” she admits, and you have to stop yourself from smacking a frustrated palm against your forehead. “Why is he here, Mommy?”

You’ve never felt more like shit than in this moment—you can’t tell her. Not like this.

“He’s… he’s not feeling well, babes. He’s going to rest downstairs, on the couch.”

Iris looks at you excitedly. “So he’ll be here for breakfast?!”

“No.” You say quickly, and her round eyes go glassy. “He has somewhere to be tomorrow morning, so he’ll be gone when we get up for school.” You’re not sure if you’re saying this for her benefit, or yours. “Into bed.” You say, patting the mattress. “You’re sleeping with me tonight.”

Bucky is standing in front of the fireplace in your living room. It doesn’t work, but the hearth serves as a display wall of sorts. Framed pictures of Iris, photos of you two together, your parents, your life. There’s a sort of sad bemusement on his face, like he can’t believe your life went on without him. That you had lived without him. You watch as he reaches forward to trace Iris’ face through the glass, and wonder if he’s looking for the parts of her that reflect him.

You clear your throat and he turns, guiltily shoving his hands into his pockets. The silence is so heavy between you, you aren’t sure if you can carry it. Luckily for you, Bucky breaks it first.

“I dunno how I didn’t see it the first time,” he says with a sad, hoarse little laugh. “She looks just fuckin’ like me.” You’re not sure what you hate more. The fact that he said it, or the fact that it was true. “Kid’s wearing my goddamn face and it took me a month to notice it.” He turns like he’s going to grab a picture off of the shelf but misjudges the distance, and stumbles against the wall with a thud.

“Jesus, Buck!” You rush over to him to stop him falling. Grunting, you loop one of his arms over your shoulders. He goes with you easily, mumbling something you don’t understand as you half drag him towards the couch. “You need to lay the fuck down.” You growl, sloughing him onto the cushions. He lands with a soft “oof”, and begins kicking at his boots.

“Hold on—christ— I’ll help you.” You tug his boots off and toss them to the floor as he curls in on himself.

You’re not sure how a man his size can look so small, so fragile, but he does. The angry, bitter part of you wants to throw the blanket and pillow on the floor in a heap, but you don’t. You spread it out over his sleeping form and he mumbles, twitching. Carefully, you reach to tuck the pillow under his head, and pause as your fingers brush his cheek. You let them linger for a moment before pulling your hand back quickly, and cradling it against your chest.

You turn sharply and head back for the staircase.

“Goodnight. Jellybean.”

His voice stops you in your tracks, the raspy word making your throat tight.

He won’t remember it in the morning.

You go upstairs.

Iris is asleep in your bed when you open the door. Sleep finds her easily, and you’re glad for it. It means she feels safe, something you don’t want to jeopardize with the man sleeping it off on your couch downstairs.

You suppose you had been lucky, not having to see him like Steve did, strung out and barely coherent. If you can help it, Iris will be spared that sight forever. Fists clenched determinedly in the duvet, you stare at the ceiling, waiting for—you don’t know what you’re waiting for. The doorknob to jiggle, for sounds of destruction to arise from downstairs, the sound of his voice, for sleep—for anything.

And then, finally, you sleep.

🎤

This isn’t Steve’s house.

Bucky stares up at the unfamiliar ceiling, counting the minutes until the memories begin to trickle back into his skull. He remembers scoring—easier now than it ever was, considering. Every bar-back knows a guy who knows a guy who can get him what he wants, all he has to do is ask.

And boy did he fucking ask.

He remembers the disembodied rolling bliss, remembers you, your disappointed face. Bucky groans, sitting up. The blanket falls to his lap, and he furrows his brows, picking up the edge. He knows what Kitty will say when he comes to meeting today. It’s a small town and word travels fast. Bucky knows he wasn’t exactly discreet. He’s used to it by now, the well of disgust and shame that begins to grow in his stomach the more he recalls.

It was inevitable, the demon whispers, and Bucky wonders fearfully if it’s right.

I shouldn’t have come here, he thinks to himself as he looks around. His head is still cottony with the pill-hangover, but he knows enough to know he’s an invader here. Why did he even come? The pitiful confrontation he’d forced had gone nowhere, ending with him passed out on your sofa. Bucky rubs his temples.

The whole house smells like caramel apple, your favorite candle. Bucky doesn’t know why he still knows that, but he does. It’s neat enough, but there are signs of life everywhere. Iris’ toys, your books. And in the corner, your guitar. It’s well taken care of, the used Sweetwater you’d managed to get your hands on. He remembered the day you’d found it, rescuing it from the attic of Kevin Harris’ grandmother’s place after she passed.

“Good, you’re up.” Your clipped voice sounds from the doorway. He looks up to see you, still in the oversized shirt you used for pajamas and leaned against the wall. You look tired, and Bucky knows it’s his fault. “How are you feeling?”

He laughs dryly. “Like an asshole.” He’s a wrecking ball. “Is, um. Is Iris…?”

“She’s fine,” you say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear before you fold your arms across your chest. “She didn’t see you.” He’s thankful for that, at least. “I called Steve. He’s on his way.”

Bucky grimaces. He doesn’t want to see Steve, not after—

“Why did you tell Steve and not me?” He blurts,. “Why did you tell him about Iris?”

“He guessed,” you say defensively. “And even if I had, that’s my business. You made your choices very clear, Bucky.” You glare at him from across the room. He doesn’t know what to say to that—you’re right.

“She’s my daughter.”

“Bucky. I couldn’t—last night? I… How could I let you meet her like that?”

The shame burns in his throat and he swallows tightly against it.

“I know. But I—” The sound of someone at the door makes the both of you jump.

“I’ll be right back,” you say, and disappear down the hall. Bucky stands, folding the blanket you’d given him and placing it neatly on the couch cushions. He hears your footsteps recede, and then the sound of the door lock unlatching. Your voice floats down the hall, quiet but audible.

“Oh—Andy.”

And then a distinctly male voice. “I wanted to stop by, maybe help with drop-off today? I figured we could get breakfast together after.”

“I, um. You know what, Andy? Now is just really not a good time—”

“Is that your bat? Did something happen last night?” He sounds concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, yes everything’s fine, no—wait, Andy I said it’s not a good time—”

Bucky backs away from the archway just as Andy rounds the corner. His shocked face contorts with anger as he whips his head around.

“What the hell is he doing here?”

Bucky feels hot anger flare in his chest as he crosses his arms. “Could ask the same of you.” Andy takes a step forward before you grab his arm.

“Would the two of you just fucking stop? Andy I said it’s not a good goddamn time!” Bucky watches you run a frustrated hand through your hair, tugging on it before letting go. He shouldn’t feel so territorial—you aren’t his. That doesn’t stop the sneer from curling his lip as he watches the other man reluctantly stand down.

“What is he doing here?” Andy asks again, and you purse your lips.

“Andrew Barber this is my house. I do not have to explain myself to you.” Andy looks positively murderous at that, but says nothing, crossing his arms as he levels a hard look at Bucky. “He crashed on my couch last night. Happy?”

“No.” Andy replies without taking his eyes off of Bucky. “You should have called me.” There’s a possessiveness in his tone that makes Bucky’s hackles rise. He’s the one with history, it’s Andy who’s the newcomer. What right does he have, to look at Bucky like the interloper? He doesn’t like the way Andy positions himself between you, a hand on the curve of your hip over the t-shirt. It’s familiar in a way that makes Bucky want to bare his teeth in warning.

You let her go, the demon reminds him. You threw her away like trash. He is pleased, though, to see you shove Andy’s hand away as you place your hands on your hips stubbornly.

“I’m an adult, Andy, and I handled it.” You say, your hard glare daring him to challenge you. He doesn’t. “Besides. Bucky was just leaving.” You say it pointedly around Andy’s broad shoulders.

Bucky doesn’t want to leave now, especially not now that Andy is here, but there’s little room for him to argue, not when he sees Steve pull up in the pickup through the living room window.

“Yeah.” He mutters. “Just leaving.” He shoves his hands into his pockets as he heads for the door. You walk him out onto the porch, your arms still crossed over your chest. He looks past you to Andy, who smiles at him smugly.

“Try not to miss your meeting,” he says, and you whip your head around to glare at him, before closing the door behind you.

“Look, ignore Andy. He’s just—”

“An asshole?” Bucky scoffs. “I didn’t think that was your type.” You scowl at him.

“Well, if he’s an asshole then I’m two for two, so it’s definitely my type.” You retort sharply. “Bucky, look. Last night—”

“I fucked up,” he says quickly. He doesn’t want to hear you say it. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason he knows that hearing you tell him he fucking relapsed again would make him hurt worse than the fucking DT’s. “I know I fucked up.”

“You did,” you say, and he winces. That stings, too. Maybe worse. “You had three weeks, Buck. Why’d you throw that away?”

His lip curls. “Finding out you have a kid six years into their life isn’t really awesome news.” He snaps back. “You, Steve, you both lied to me.” He can’t help the accusatory pitch his tone takes. He knows you take note of it too, your eyes narrowing to angry slits.

“Oh bull-fucking-shit, Bucky,” you say, tossing your hands up. “Call after call after call, none of my fucking letters answered.” You shake your head at him. “What was I supposed to do? You shut me out! I wasn’t going to fucking chase you forever!”

“What?” Bucky steps back, reeling. “What are you talking about? I never got one fucking call—”

“I am not doing this with you.” You say, pinching the bridge of your nose as you turn back towards the front door. “I am not going to fucking stand here and argue with you about what I know I did. You don’t get to show up high at my fucking house and demand to be treated like you would have been father of the year if you’d known.”

“Maybe I fucking would have!” He spits, the old venom welling up temptingly under his tongue. He regrets the words before they’re even fully out of his mouth. “If you hadn’t tried to trap me—”

The slap echoes in his ears before he feels the sting of it, raising his own hand to his face where you had hit him.

“Get the fuck out of here.” You spit through gritted teeth. Your eyes are wet with unshed tears, and the angry shame in Bucky’s chest grows until angry tears are pricking at his eyes too. It isn’t for you, his anger. No, it’s for himself—because there’s no one Bucky hates more than the man he sees reflected in your glassy eyes.

“Don’t fucking come back until you’re sober, you understand me?” You shove a finger into his chest. “I would rather tell her you’re dead than let her see you like this.”

You don’t wait for him to answer, instead you yank open the door and shut it in his face, barricading him on the other side. He’s tempted to bang on the door, to kick and punch at it until you’re forced to come back out again because this isn’t fucking over, dammit—

But he doesn’t.

Bucky searches for the half empty carton of cigarettes in his jacket pocket, sticking one between his lips as he gets unceremoniously into the passenger seat of Steve’s pickup.

“Rough night?” He asks as Bucky straps himself in, and grabs for the lighter in the cupholder. He doesn’t answer right away, lighting the cigarette and exhaling a few clouds of acrid smoke as Steve pulls out into traffic.

“Yeah,” he says, tapping the ash out of the open window. He watches the row of brick and mortar houses fade into the distance in the rearview mirror. “Rough.”

🎤

“Iron Man at your service, this is Tony.” Tina had been rather reluctant to patch Bucky through to Tony’s personal line, but after a few choice words—some of them threats—she had done so.

“Tony.”

“Bucky! How are you? How’s it going in Milton?”

“Meridian.”

“Whatever.”

“Fine,” he says, choosing purposefully not to mention his bender just the night before. “Listen, did you uh. Ever get any letters, phone calls, or anything from anybody back home in Meridian?”

“Bucky you get so much fucking fan-mail we could fill an olympic swimming pool with it—not now, baby, I’m on the phone,” he hears Tony stage whisper to someone who giggles. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“When I first signed up. They’d be old.”

“Probably? I mean nothing of note. You know we sort through the mail and give you the important stuff. Anything from your personal contacts, you would have seen. Look is there a point to this? Because I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got some pressing business to attend to, if you catch my meaning.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. Tony has never thought twice about sampling from the buffet of groupies that seemed to tail Valkyrie’s Revenge like lost puppies.

“I need to know if I got letters about a kid, Tony.”

“What?”

“A fucking kid Tony. I need to know if we were contacted—”

“I told you,” he says quickly, his tone dismissive. “If they got sent, you’d have seen ‘em, kid. Why? Somebody springing a paternity suit on us?” He hears Tony hush more people, excusing himself quietly. The background noise coming through the receiver seems to fade until there’s only quiet breathing on the other end.

“No. I mean—I don’t know. I just…” He pauses. You’d seemed so certain, so sure of yourself when you claimed you’d tried to contact him. Call after call… all my letters unanswered. “I want to know.”

“Well I can’t help you, pal,” Tony replies. “We’d have told you if we got them.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Bucky swallows against the lump in his throat.

“Keep me posted. This is why we have lawyers.”

Bucky hangs up without another word, frustratedly tossing his phone to the bed. He’d refused to speak to Steve when he asked him where he went, why he’d been gone all night. It was easy enough to deflect with an argument, a skill Bucky had learned the very first time his bandmates had tried to take him to task for his behavior. No one wants a screaming match at ten in the morning.

He can’t deflect himself, though, can’t stop the thoughts going round and round in his skull like a carousel. Someone had lied to him, someone had kept Iris from him.

And if not you, then who?

Steve’s quiet knock on his door makes Bucky’s head snap up, his eyes narrowing as his friend steps across the threshold. He’s still angry, and Steve knows it, holding his hands up placatingly.

“Look. I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. But I’m heading out, and I think you should come with me.”

Bucky eyes him suspiciously. “If you’re trying to drop me off at a facility this is a shitty fucking way to start.” Steve shakes his head.

“Not a facility.”

“Then where?”

“You’ll see.” Bucky watches his friend’s face for a tell—Steve always was a terrible liar. There doesn’t seem to be one though, not that Bucky can see. He gets up slowly, and follows Steve back down the stairs and out the front door. Steve gets into the driver’s seat, and waits patiently for Bucky to catch up before the truck engine roars to life. Bucky is glad that Steve doesn’t force conversation, doesn’t try to fill the silence with meaningless platitudes as he drives.

He doesn’t turn toward Meridian, instead taking the dirt road north of town, away from the meager downtown strip and up into the hills. It’s a gloomy day, overcast and gray, with the occasional drop of rain splattering against the windshield. The back-roads are both familiar and strange to him now, it’s been so long since he’s driven them.

Bucky remembers that—driving full speed around the treacherous corners with you standing up through the sunroof, your arms outstretched like you were trying to touch the sky. He’d believed you could then, in those moments, that your fingertips could touch the deep unending blue.

That blue is gone, though, as are the people you were—Bucky doesn’t know you anymore.

He’s surprised, when Steve pulls up to the old graveyard and doesn’t pass by, slowing to a stop outside the gates.

“What are you doing?” Bucky asks, panic gnawing at the edges of his thoughts. “Steve—”

“How long’s it been, Buck? Five years? Six?”

“Fuck you,” Bucky snarls, lunging forward to try and grab the keys from Steve himself. “I don’t want—”

“For once, Buck, I could not give a shit less about what you want.” Steve stuffs the keys into his pocket and gets out of the car. “Come on.” He doesn’t wait for Bucky, pulling open one of the wrought iron gates with both hands. It opens with a rough squeal. Bucky reluctantly unbuckles himself, sticking a nervous cigarette between his lips as he follows him down the muddy path. His hands are trembling and unsure as he lifts the lighter, but his feet know the way without his direction.

The graves are right next to each other, just like they are in Bucky’s nightmares. The grass is green over the top of them, different from the loose dirt that had been shoveled on top just before Bucky had lit out of Meridian.

Should have been me.

“Why did you bring me here?” Bucky asks, his throat tight with tears he doesn’t want to shed. The cigarette burns at his lips, and he flicks the remains of it into the damp grass behind him.

“It’s the one place you’ve been avoiding. You promised you would come back.”

Bucky flinches.

It’s the first promise he ever broke, the one he’d made as he tossed in his handful of dirt like the preacher told him to. They’re in a better place, he’d said, patting Bucky sadly on the shoulder. A better place. Bucky was too old then to believe the lie—there was no better place. Just cold, wet earth and worms and nothing. He wonders if the demon was born that day, coming up out of the dirt while his mother and sister were lowered into it, because he’d known he was lying, even as he spoke the soft words to Becca’s tombstone—

He would never come back.

But here you are, his self loathing whispers. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

“It should have been me,” he says softly, stepping forward to rest his palm against the cold stone. “We all know it should have been me.”

“I don’t think Becca would agree with you.”

“Well it doesn’t matter what you think,” Bucky snarls over his shoulder. “She’s dead.” Steve runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

“Yeah, Buck. She’s dead. She’s dead because Fred Ackerson’s truck jumped the guardrail.” Bucky doesn’t know why hearing that from Steve enrages him, makes him want to pummel his best friend’s face into pulp right there in the dirt next to his sister.

“You don’t understand,” he says through gritted teeth, his hand a tight fist on the tombstone. “If I had—” Steve grabs his shoulders, shaking him.

“What? What would you have done? She died on impact.” There are tears in his eyes too. “How long are you going to punish yourself for this shit, Buck?”

“I deserve—”

“Iris is six.” Steve’s words cut through him like a blade. “Do you want to see her make it to seven? Eight? Or do you want to be down there in the dirt?” He asks, his voice hard. “Because you won’t. Fuck, Bucky, you keep this shit up, I don’t think you’re going to see Christmas.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t.”

“Yeah, well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?” Steve says, releasing him. “It’s always been up to you.” He casts a forlorn look at Becca’s tombstone over Bucky’s shoulder, before he shakes his head. “Say… whatever you need to say. I’ll be waiting for you in the truck.” The silence closes in around him like fog, so loud that Bucky’s ears ring with it as he stares at the graves. He’d never said anything at the funerals, his tight lipped silence as loud as any of the moving eulogies given by those that had known them.

Bucky clears his throat. “Hey, Beccs.” He says in a hoarse, quiet voice. “B-been a while, huh?” The ground is muddy, but he sits down on it anyway, on the strip of grass between his mother and sister. “I, um. I don’t know what to say. That’s why I never said anything, it all seemed… stupid, I guess. Because you can’t hear me where you are, so… what does it matter, right?”

He’s tempted to give up and go back to the car, but Bucky swallows down the bitter urge, and keeps trying.

“But… if you could hear me, Beccs, I’m—I’m fuckin’ sorry.” His voice cracks. It feels like glass in his veins to say it, to finally admit it out loud to the air. “I am so fuckin’ sorry.” He hates to think about that night, about pulling mom and Beccs out of the twisted burning metal. The only way he can is with the pills, but there aren’t any this time; nothing to stop him from having to sit with his pain.

And for the first time in a long time, Bucky does. He welcomes it back like an old friend—and for once, the demon is silent.

“I’m sorry I didn’t turn fast enough, didn’t see him coming,” he mumbles through steady tears. “I’d give anything for it to be me in there, not you.” The tears won’t stop now that they’ve started. “Y-you were going to be fucking—I dunno. A fucking astrophysicist, or something, Beccs. A goddamn force, and I, fuck. I don’t know what to be without you, sis. I… I don’t even want to be.” He admits the last part softly, to himself. He hasn’t thought it, really, not beyond wishing he could trade places with her.

If he was honest, Bucky wanted to die. That was the truth of it. That was why he didn’t bother to save money, why he did every drug he could until he was blacking out. He wanted oblivion—like mom. Like Becca.

That’s not what Beccs would want. The voice is softer, not acid like the one that usually follows every conscious thought.

She would want you to live.

Bucky isn’t sure how long he sits there in the cold drizzle before he gets up, wiping at his face. His hair is slick from the rain, and he shakes the droplets off of his coat before he gets into the passenger seat of Steve’s truck. He’s waiting—just like he said he was.

He starts it wordlessly, and they’re halfway back to Meridian when he asks him.

“Did you say what you needed to say, Buck?” Bucky follows the path of a particularly fat drop of rain down the window with his finger until it passes from view.

“Yeah. I think so.”

next chapter

Thank you for reading! Please check out my masterlist for other, similar works, and follow my library blog, @box-of-bones-library for updates. ❤️

#sebastia stan fanfiction #sebastian stan characters #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barmes angst #bucky barnes smut #slow burn #bucky fanfic #boxofbonesfic #angst

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ohtobeleah · 2 years

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Chaos // Bradley Bradshaw

A Series Masterlist

Summary: Being called back to TopGun should have been the number one thing on your mind. But Bradley Bradshaw sure made it hard to keep your priorities in check. He made it hard to do just about anything. Including but not limited to saving his life.

Warnings: Ex lovers x Bradley Bradshaw trope. Rooster x Reader. Angst. Toxic relationship traits? (Angst warnings will be specified for different chapters)

Full Chaos-Verse Masterlist

Status: Complete

Sneak Peek

Lemoore Bob (visual)

Rooster (Visual)

Chapter One // Toxic Tango: 5.1k You thought for sure the biggest problem you were going to have to face was returning to TopGun—but then there was Bradley fucking Bradshaw.

Chapter Two // Basic Emotional Manoeuvering: 6.2k Tensions begin to rise between you and Rooster, you and Hangman, and Hangman and Rooster. With a secret close to your chest, you do your best to navigate the drills Maverick has the TopGun class run.

Chapter Three // The Other Women: 6.6k Things were good between you and Rooster for what felt like a total of one whole minute before your entire world came crashing down around you—just like you knew it would. It’s always the same, the more you fuck around? The more you find out.

Chapter Four // Flight 29 Down: 7.1k You were told that for this mission to be a success there would need to be no less then two consecutive miracles—but all you got was a back seater and a shitty ex boyfriend.

Chapter Five // B-Rad: 7k After the death of your father and some time spent with Rooster, you find it in yourself to keep pushing. But stealing an F-18 to run a course you weren’t permitted to has its consequences.

Chapter Six // Addicts: 14.1k All hell breaks loose when the uranium mission doesn’t go according to plan. Rooster follows you down into enemy territory. It’s a race against time to find a way home safely.

Epilogue // Mums the Word: 4.4K What do a Civilian, Captain, Admiral and a Commander have in common? Their love for the two Bradshaw boys.

Concepts & Blurbs

The Cool Uncle // Jake Seresin is determined to be the Cool uncle.

Roosters biggest fear? Back seaters—

Chaos shows Bob the tattoo in honour of him.

The wedding speech // Bob gives an emotional speech then proceeds to get shit faced

Chaos taps out Rooster at his graduation ceremony

Chaos taps out Rooster at his graduation ceremony part two

Chaos hates being pregnant //

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Tags: @lyannaredbird @luckyladycreator2 @skagelynn @teacupdreams @the-winter-marvel33 @mrsjaderogers @katieshook02 @thescarletknight2014 @justanothermagicalsara @4ngelicb4byy @percysaidnever @puriini @luckylexie @is-this-a-febreze-commercial @shrimping-for-all @fayethefairy @lonelywitchv2 @mizzzpink @unforgettwble @itzyogurl92 @lemoonandlestars @mulletmcghee @redqueeen99 @bucky-barmes @mak-32

#top gun bradley bradshaw #top gun maverick fanfiction #bradley rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x y/n #bradley bradshaw x reader #top gun rooster #top gun fanfiction #bradley bradshaw fanfiction #bradley bradshaw angst

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barnesafterglow · 2 years

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hello friends! i recently hit 2k and wanted to do something to celebrate! i've done a lot of sleepovers and such but only one writing challenge, and i wanted to try it out again.

being on here, despite any ups and downs i've, has been a loving and safe space for me. being able to make new friends and have a creative outlet has been amazing. i want to thank every single one of you that follows me, i never thought i would have one hundred followers, let alone two thousand of you. you all are the reason i'm still here, and the reason i decide to stay

thank you so much to @demxters for helping me out with this! i'm so grateful for you

you can find the masterlist for this challenge here!

rules:

- this challenge, as always, is 18+ only. minors please dni.

- please no dark fics or anything including waterspouts, scat, non/dubcon, incest/stepcest, underage relationships between characters, suicide or self harm, eating disorders, or anything involving sexual assault

- please tag me in your work as well as tagging the post #sweet as sugar challenge. if you have tagged me and i haven't reader within two days, please send me a message or link because i may have missed it!

- message me or send me any ask if you have any other questions!

- this challenge will last from friday november 4th to saturday december 31st. i understand some people write slower so if you need more time please don't hesitate to reach out! whenever you can! i don’t want to rush anyone and there’s plenty of time for everyone to write :)

- i will be posting a masterlist and updating it as i read finished fics

2 large eggs

choose 1-2 characters to write your fic about. this can be any combination of a poly/hinged relationship or character x character. however, i do not read for sambucky (as a couple) or buckynat (in any capacity). any other combination of characters should be fine, but if you have any questions feel free to message me

characters can include:

- any mcu characters

- any sebastian stan characters besides tommy lee, jeff gillooly, or steve kemp

- any chris evans characters besides curtis everett (i will also accept rpf for chris evans only)

- misc characters: steve harrington and matt murdock

3 cups of flour

choose one au to set your fic in or you can write in the mcu universe

aus to choose from:

- modern au

- college au

- decade specific au (70s, 80s, etc)

- coffee shop au

- abo au

- band/singer/celebrity au

- soulmate au

- athlete au

- royal au

- detective/fbi au

- summer camp au

- teacher/professor au

- bookstore au

1 cup of sugar

choose 1-2 tropes to include within your fic. at least one must be included.

tropes to choose from:

- the classic "only one bed"

- friends to lovers

- friends with benefits to lovers

- enemies to lovers

- exes (back) to lovers

- roommates

- grumpy x sunshine

- fake dating

- tutor x jock

- hero x villain

- neighbors

- sibling's best friend/best friend's sibling

- established relationship

- strangers to lovers

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

your fic can be any combination of smut, fluff, or angst, or only one if you prefer. once again, please no dark fics

toppings (optional)

this can be anything extra you want to your fic, such as moodboards, playlists, etc

tagging some mutuals but no pressure!!

@pellucid-constellations @itistimeforusalltodecidewhoweare @treatbuckywkisses @sweetascanbee @sweetdreamsbuck @bucky-barmes @thornsnvultures @inklore @irisofeden @smokeinherperfume @abovethesmokestacks @imaginearyparties @lilacletter @fandoms-writings @writing-for-marvel @foreverindreamlandd @jadedvibes @atlaese @nacho-bucky @sidepartskinnyjeans @navybrat817 @lavendercitizen @scrumptious-delusion @emerald-chaos @bubblebuckys

#sweet as sugar challenge #tiff's 2k writing challenge

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double-j · 2 years

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*STARDUST REBLOG CHALLENGE OCTOBER WEEK 4 MASTERLIST*

[FOR ALL FICS, CHECK THE STARDUST REBLOG CHALLENGE TAG]

*reminder to please heed the author’s warnings on individual fics!*

~ reposting september and october by week because the links were only working on mobile ~

TGM: JAKE HANGMAN SERESIN FICS

same boat from @winchesterandpie

signed away p. 1, p. 2, p. 3, & p. 4 from @seresinhangmanjake

erotic photos from @someplace-darker

beep from @princessmisery666

except for maybe you, and your simple smile from @theharddeck

i don’t start shit but i can tell you how it ends & autumn leaves and pumpkins, please? (from the better man universe aka heaven on earth) from @sweetlittlegingy

as it was p. 4, p. 5, p. 6, & p. 7 (please read this series, it is so heartbreaking but so perfect) from @ereardon

the professor p. 1, p. 2, p. 3, p. 4, p. 5, & p. 6 from @topguncortez

we picked a time like this to fall in love & haven’t felt like this my dear, since can’t remember when (1940s AU) from @/sweetlittlegingy

imagine me & you p. 6 from @thebirdandthebee

earned it & fine line p. 1 (from the look away universe aka sugar daddy jake) from @fuckyeahhangman

operation apollo p. 3 from @/sunlightmurdock

tensions (from the best benefits series) from @writercole

zipper p. 1 from @a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all

silenced from @/wildbornsiren

lay all your love on me from @bussyslayer333

this moment & safety blanket (from the only thing universe that you need to read!!!) from @justfandomwritings

out of the blue, clear sky p. 5 from @/theharddeck

TGM: BRADLEY ROOSTER BRADSHAW FICS

parting gift & cyrano from @hotgirlmav

pick your battles & p. 2 from @milkathedudz

fight or flight from @/topguncortez

meet you all the way p. 1 from @top-hhun

have yourself a merry little rooster from @roosterforme

five more minutes from @/roosterforme

flight risk p. 3 from @hufflepuffprincesse

pushed to the limit from @/topguncortez

ceasefire p. 5 from @sunlightmurdock

dry lightnin' cracks across the skies (those storm clouds gather in her eyes) (from the storm warning series) from @/hufflepuffprincesse

nevermore p. 3 from @cherrycola27

boys night in from @/roosterforme

i like your voice from @/roosterforme

my future in you p. 9 & p. 10 from @/sunlightmurdock

destined (to fail?) p. 1 from @bucky-barmes

one for the history books p. 13 from @pisupsala

change your ticket from @imjess-themess

a preview of the weekend from @/roosterforme

sounds ideal from @/roosterforme

benefits from @/roosterforme

are we still friends? p. 7 & p. 8 from @/perpetuelledaydreaming

cross my heart (hope to die) from @softspiderling

home from @honeysimagines

chaos p. 5 from @ohtobeleah

close to where your feet pass & hidden in the holes of your couch (from je te laisserai des mots series) from @jupitercomet

TGM: ROBERT BOB FLOYD FICS

no one left behind from @/topguncortez

don’t touch my boots from @/thebirdandthebee

TGM: MISC FICS

double penetration from @wildbornsiren (jake hangman seresin x reader x bradley rooster bradshaw)

ivy p. 2 from @perpetuelledaydreaming (love triangle w/ hangman and rooster)

hate sex from @/wildbornsiren (jake hangman seresin x natasha phoenix trace)

steer the course from @chemicalalice (jake hangman seresin x reader x robert bob floyd)

NHL FICS

one love, one kiss, one drink, one song, all you (this has made me ugly cry on multiple occasions and i love it) & forever to go from @raysofcrosby (t.jost)

a night in paris from @comphy-and-cozy (t.jost & j.compher)

to sail beyond the sunset p. 2 from @spine-buster (s.crosby)

takin’ my time, let the world turn from @fallinallincurls (n.mackinnon)

OUTER RANGE/RHETT ABBOTT FICS

at the end of their rope from @/topguncortez

#stardust reblog challenge #fic recs #top gun fic rec #hockey fic recs #outer range fic rec

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angelkurenai · 4 years

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Imagine being part of the Black Widow movie with a character who is Bucky’s wife in the comics. Only you and Sebastian have a crush on each other so your costars try to set you up.

“Natasha, my sister. What brings you home?” Yelena only tilted her head when Nat rounded the corner with her gun raised. She frowned when she saw the blonde was only smiling at her, no gun of her own raised. And that was even more suspicious, or even scary and dangerous, than her having one pointed at her.

“We've unfi-” she started, the words having been on her mind from the very beginning and ready to be spoken after thinking about them too much. She stopped herself though, frowning deeply “Wait a second. Aren't you... going to fight back?” she put a smirk on her lips “Where's my welcome back party?”

“Oh there will be one. There will be.” the smile on Yelena's lips was even more worrying as the seconds ticked by, especially when Natasha watched her grab a chair and slowly move it to the side before taking a seat on it. And when she crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back casually, it all clicked in her mind.

Natasha's eyes widened and a breath left her lips as she muttered “Well, fuck.”

She barely had time to let it all register before she swirled around and was met with very certainly a kick in the face. It wasn't strong only because the attacker was holding back but it managed to do the job of disorienting her, making her grasp on her gun loosen up. An arm quickly appeared, ready to take it from her but she quickly grasped it, pulling back only for the attacker to swing with to knocked on her hand while an elbow met her face. Taking advantage of the hand with a gun close to her, and after just having lost hers, she took hold of the arm and twisting forced it to drop it. Both parties jumped after the fallen guns, with a roll and twist, soon on their feet to face each other and point the swapped guns at each other.

Only two seconds of silence before “S'up sis.” you said with a wide smile that made Natasha laugh and shake her head a bit.

Glancing at Yelena from the corner of her eyes to notice the blonde had taken and poped a beer open, watching the show with interest. She looked back at you, gun still pointed and smiled even more “Figures you'd be here. Since she didn't even attempt to make a move.”

“I'd rather watch the show, thank you very much.” Yelena shrugged “It's been a long time. Oh and while we're on that-” she raised a finger “Twenty bucks on Red. Sorry, Natasha.”

“Only twenty? Come on, you drink like there's no tomorrow. How is Nat gonna buy for drinks later? That won't be enough. Unless Natasha has more on her?” you complained, looking at Yelena who pouted.

“But I only have twenty with me?” she raised the money in her hand, looking a bit more though her pockets but unable to find anything else.

“Fine.” you huffed “But you two keep it down on those damn drinks. I, as the winner, won't.”

“You two are literally the worst.” Natasha tried to say a bit more seriously but she only scoffed a laugh “Already so sure you'll win this, (Y/c/n)?”

“When have I not? Wait-” your shoulders relaxed a bit “Yelena, have I ever?”

“Absolutely not. I've kept count.” the blonde shook her head “And I doubt this will be an exception.”

“Thanks for the vote of faith you guys.” Natasha muttered with a roll of her eyes.

“Hey, I'm technically your opponent right here. Don't expect my vote of faith. Especially after so long. I'm kinda looking forward to see what new tricks those Avengers taught you.” you smirked, the both of you circling around each other. All Yelena did was lean forward in her seat to watch you both.

“It's been a long while. I'm pretty sure you've got a couple new ones yourself. Speaking of which-” her smiled turned into more of a teasing one and you prepared yourself for the worst “What has the great Red Widow been up to lately? Still saving, what was it, ah Red Sparrows from their fate?”

“Hardly. The new ones seem even less willing to be saved. I'm keeping my tabs on them but, you see, the world is a big place for only a handful of heroes. Never enough of them. Even more, ones willing to use all means necessary. You know how that is. So-” you shrugged “I've expanded my horizons.”

“Ah one would wonder why that is.” her smirk only grew, especially as she shared a look with Yelena, and you cursed at both yourself for your not careful words and your sisters “I suppose, there aren't any more Winter Soldiers to save from HYDRA anymore, are there? Oh it feels just like it was yesterday. There is that one in particular-”

“Alright-” you huffed, giving her and Yelena who was trying to stifle her laugh a glare “Is that how you're planning on winning this? That's a low move, Romanoff. And you- you stop laughing. That's not fair play.”

“Oh you've hit a spot there, Natasha. I might even have to reconsider my bet.” Yelena smirked and you shot her another glare.

“I mean, I kinda remember you always fell for the ones with the blue eyes, didn't you (Y/c/n)?” she insisted of course and you hated yourself for how easily you let it affect you, not that you really had any control over it “I've got a location, in case you're still interested.”

“Oh she is. I assure you of that. I've got enough proof.” Yelena smirked, taking a sip of her beer casually.

Natasha chuckled. You glared as hard as you could at her though you knew, you could practically feel it, that the heat had started traveling up your face “I hate you both so much right now. One more word and I give up on this.”

“Then, maybe, I shouldn't mention how he's asked me several times about you ever since he found out I knew you? Oh the questions he had and the times he brought you up.” the smirk clearly didn't leave her lips and you didn't even try to keep yourself from rolling your eyes.

“I'm never telling either of you a single thing again.” you sighed.

“Wow! What a scene!” the video cuts to Scarlett who is holding the phone – his phone Sebastian notes and he hardly can keep himself from wincing, preparing himself to do that later because nothing good could come out of this. And given how the woman uploaded the video in his own account and it has been up there for a good few hours now – because, let's hide his phone away that would be great too is what she must have thought of – there is no taking it back because far too many people have seen it. Now it's his turn. And, once more, given how he's aware of how well his friends know about his crush on you, based on all the endles teasing, he is prepared for the video to be the most embarrassing one of those moments.

“Red Widow, finally in the MCU, who's excited about that? I know I am! It's going to be amazing on the big screen, especially with such a wonderful actress as (Y/n)! I can't believe how I had managed to keep it a secret for so long. I know everyone is excited, I've been getting texts and calls from friends all these days, though the one that really has been more thrilled than anyone has kept quiet about it. As some would say. What I would say is-” he smirk was full of mischief “Has kept shy about it. Because trust me, if there is one reason I'm making this video for, it's Sebastian Stan. So this goes to Marvel... and possibly (Y/n) who is not sadly away these days filming but I have no doubt will see this.”

Oh no. Oh no. Goodness, he hoped not. He didn't dare take a look at the comments but he feared, after the countless notifications, that with all the attention this was getting you'd see it one way or another.

“And since I know you follow him and will be attentively watching everything he posts, I expect comments down below or like, definitely, a dm. You two either start texting each other or else I'm gonna smack you in the head because there is only so much mutual pining I can take.” she let out a small breath before grinning even more widely.

Mutual... what? Sebastian blinked twice or three or four times. He didn't know. He'd have to watch the video again and listen to that part just to make sure it was not his own wishful thinking. And definitely ask Scarlett about it. However, he had to watch the entire thing first to see for himself just how bad it was.

“Oh and don't think you're off the hook, Sebastian. This video is also about you, if not mainly about you. I'm doing you a favor, buddy, you'll thank me for this later. After, like, you dare come out of your house when you're done dying of embarrassment.”

So, actually never, if it was all going as bad as he imagined.

“See, as I've made very obvious, he's a great fan of hers. We all are, let's not kid ourselves. However, when he doesn't let his vast admiration for that great talent and possibly small- who am I kidding, big crush on her, take his mind away he has these brilliant ideas that I can't help but agree to. And even if he might be a bit too shy to admit it out loud, I'll go ahead and say this: Hey Marvel, give Bucky Barnes his wife in the MCU...” well, maybe not as bad as he feared. The crushing part had been mentioned more than plenty of times by the rest of his friends.

“Because Sebastian would totally love to share a kiss or two with (Y/n). And we want to see the most badass couple of the Marvel comics on the big screen too.”

Well, no, it was even worse apparently.

“As would her, but that's not the point here. I've been trying to figure out a way to get two idiots together and with all this distance and work, this is the best I could think of. Well-” Scarlett shrugged and it was then he noticed the laughing behind the camera “Chris Evans' really, but if it works, hey fine by me! He said something about being subtle but I ain't got enough patience for that anymore. So, there's that. Hopefully, Marvel and Kevin will listen, even more hopefully (Y/n) you'll see this and then even more hopefully as if by a miracle I won't have to listen to you two talk about each other, non-stop, ever again!”

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pancakesfor2 · 6 years

Text

Passing Notes // Highschool!Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: None

Summary: When you found out you had the most boring teacher in the school for history, you figured you’d have a pretty dull year. Who you didn’t account for, was the blue-eyed boy who sat down next to you.

Check out my Masterlist!

A/N: So I haven’t actually written anything that wasn’t for a class in months so this might be a little rusty but I hope y’all enjoy this cliche fest!

The First Class of the Year.

You knew your history class was going to be boring from the moment you got your schedule and saw that not only did you not have a single friend in it with you, but you also had Mr. Charles, who was known to be the most dull teacher in the entire school. With all of this information, you went in on your first day ready to suffer through the year. What, or should you say who, you didn’t account for was the boy who had the desk next to yours.

Fifteen minutes into the first class of the year and you were already dozing off when you felt a folded up slip of paper fall into your lap. You looked over at the boy sitting next to you to see him watching you with his deep blue eyes, waiting for you to open what must’ve been his note. Carefully, making sure the teacher didn’t see you, you unfolded the note to see a little doodle of you falling asleep at your desk with your head slumped in the textbook. Underneath the picture in neat uniform letters he'd written, Ready for a year of excitement? It took more self control than you thought you’d had for you to to stop yourself from laughing out loud; so you settled for giving the blue-eyed boy a warm smile while carefully pressing the drawing into your notebook.

As quietly as possible, you ripped out a sheet of paper and started on your reply. You were intrigued by the dark-haired boy who was able to draw a pretty accurate picture of you while also make it seem like he was paying attention to the teacher. He had captured all of your attention and you didn’t even know his name yet. Finding out wouldn’t be too difficult however. All you had to to do was pull out another sheet of paper and write out, My names y/n, what’s yours? You slid the page over to the boy, gesturing to you question with your pencil.

My name is James Barnes. But most people call me Bucky.

So now you knew his name. You’d also finished the little picture you’d drawn for him and folded it up to give to him, mimicking the original note he had passed to you. You watched Bucky’s face anxiously to see if he liked the note and were relieved to see the wide smile that’d broken out on his face once he’d unfolded the slip of paper to find a picture of him erasing the teacher with the back of a giant pencil.

Unfortunately, before he had the chance to send something back, the bell rang and all the students began shuffling out of the classroom. You shoved your notebook into your backpack and got up to leave, Bucky following close behind. Once out the door, the two of you turned to go your separate ways when Bucky took hold of your arm holding you back for a second, “See you around y/n,” he said and before you could register what had happened he was already gone. Leaving you alone and confused outside of your history classroom.

2 Months Into the Semester.

Every class would be the same. Sometimes you’d be the first one to arrive, and sometimes it would be Bucky, but you would always sit together in your unofficial assigned seats from the first day. Your desks were in the second to last row, meaning they were far enough from the front that it was two months in to the year and Mr. Charles hadn’t noticed the constant note passing.

You’d learned a lot about Bucky in the past two months. You knew about how he had two little sisters who he kill for and about his oldest friend Steve. You knew how he loved outer space and how he wanted to be an astronaut when he was younger. After three classes, your communication was no longer restricted to notes passed under desks when Bucky had signed his drawing of the day with his phone number and the words text me. And so you did, marking the beginning of one of your closest friendships.

The classroom was especially cold today, and you’d forgotten to bring a jacket. You had resigned yourself to suffering through the 90 minutes when Bucky noticed your slight shivering. Right away, he pulled off the dark grey hoodie he was wearing and handed it to you motioning for you to put it on. There was something written on the back, but you were too cold to pay attention and pulled on as soon as it was in your hands, shooting him a greatful smile. Bucky’s hoodie felt like a warm hug, and as soon as you pulled it over your head you were overwhelmed by how much it smelled like him.

That better doll? Wrote Bucky on the sheet of paper between you. If anyone else had called you doll you’d hate it, but from Bucky it just seemed right.

Yeah, thx so much. You replied, adding a little heart at the end of the sentence.

The rest of the class went on pretty uneventfully, with you and Bucky passing notes back and forwards until the bell rang signaling the end of the period. As you moved to take off the hoodie to give it back to Bucky he stopped you, telling you to keep it.

Pulling you into the crowded hallway, he leaned down close enough that you could feel his breath on your cheek and whispered in your ear, “My last name looks good you doll.”

The Last Class of the Semester

It was the last day before winter break and there was something up with Bucky. You sat down next to him as usual, wearing his hoodie which had become a staple in your closet, especially as it got colder. It took you a little while to get used to people assuming that you and Bucky were together because you wore a jacket with his last name on it, but soon enough something else had come along and you were promptly forgotten about.

But back to Bucky. He was acting strange, almost as if he was nervous about something. Instead of greeting you with his usual smile, he distractedly waved to you as you took your seat and then went back to his notebook. You were a little worried, but not enough as to where you’d ask him what was wrong. Besides, class had started and he’d pass you a note any minute from now.

The note never came. You sat there through an hour and a half of Mr. Charles going on and on about the Civil War, fully expecting a slip of paper to land in your lap within the first five minute of the lecture but it never came. You contemplated sending him a note of your own, but he was always the one to start your correspondence and it didn’t feel right to break tradition.

Finally, as the final minutes ticked down on the clock, you felt him lean over and drop one of his signature folded up sheets of paper in your lap. He had drawn a little cup of coffee and underneath he wrote, I like you a latte, do you wanna grab coffee sometimes?

So this was what he was so nervous about; he wanted to ask you on a date but he didn’t know how you’d respond so he waited until the end of the period to even try. What he should’ve realized was that you’d been pining over him since the very first day when he looked over at you and that you’d been dying to go out with him since that one night late in October when you’d talked on the phone for hours, spilling all your secrets and dreams.

Caught up in your thoughts you’d forgotten to actually give Bucky an answer. He was sitting there looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to either say yes or no. You couldn’t answer him with words because you were still in class but what you could do was reach down and take hold of his warm hand, making him turn his head towards you. Yes you mouthed, instantly making a grin appear on his face and his hand squeeze yours. With this, the class was over, and this time you walked out hand in hand, unbelievably excited for what was to come.

From his desk inside the classroom, Mr Charles watched and smiled.

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #marvel #infinity war #winter soldier x reader #winter soldier #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x you #bucky barmes x reader #highschool!bucky #bucky barnes highschool au #bucky barnes fluff

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repressedqueen · 3 years

Text

New Year’s Secret

Paring: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: ~4.300

Warnings: sickening floofy fluff, drinking, the tiniest of angst, drunk Bucky is super dorky and adorable you’ve been warned

Summary: Bucky attends his first New Year’s party in modern times. He gets drunk for the first time post serum which had some rather unexpected consequences.

A/N: Who else would post a New Year fic in April but me? :’D I blame working shifts during the pandemic and totally not my procrastinative nature! This came out of nowhere one of the last days of December and was supposed to be a quick one-shot, but the words kept coming and coming. I’ve never written a bigger one shot! I hope you guys give it chance, it’s real cute I’m telling you. This is the softest Bucky, I have him protected in a special place in my heart forever. <3

Recommended to read in AO3 for way less typos.

“This is so weird.” Sam said when Bucky threw his head back laughing at yet another one of his jokes. Bucky never laughed at his jokes, not even the ones he knew he actually found funny. The best he got out of him was an eye roll. Turns out all that was needed was a little bit of Thor’s Asgardian beverage.

This wasn’t your first New Year party at the Avengers compound, but it was the first time Thor was around and he didn’t forget to bring some of special drinks for his two super soldier friends who couldn’t get drunk with good old Earth alcohol. Steve was ecstatic about his best friend finally trying it and let loose, have actual fan. Bucky hardly ever came to parties, they made him anxious. Even when he did, he always kept to himself, barely interacting with anyone but Steve, at first, you and Sam as time went by and you got closer.

However you were a little hesitant about the whole alien drink thing. Yes, alcohol usually helps one let their guards down and relax but it has different effects on different people. Some become moody, irritable or even depressed. And Bucky’s mind was very unpredictable for obvious reasons...

Turns out your worries were for nothing, since Bucky was having the time of his life. It was rather unexpected. Drunk Steve was still Steve with less Cap in him; more carefree and smiley. Bucky on the other hand was like a whole new person.

He no longer seemed to want to disappear from the crowd; he talked to everyone he knew, he cracked jokes, even played pool with the guys (and got super frustrated when he lost from Sam. It was hilarious!). It was so nice to see him have actual fan without constantly worrying that something could go wrong. You caught Steve looking at his best friend with the most tender expressiom on his face more than once that night; you knew it was because this was probably the closest Bucky has ever been to his pre-war self.

The most pleasant side effect however was that for most of the party he wouldn’t leave your side. He kept his metal hand around his fourth drink and his flesh one on you. The small of your back, your hand, around your shoulder... No matter what he did, he made sure you were somehow connected and, you couldn’t lie, it really was endearing. You tried so hard to not let it give you false hope though. We are friends. Just friends. you kept repeating in your head anytime your heart skipped a bit thanks to the continuous physical contact.

You and Bucky came really close really fast, but despite what most of the people thought, you were never more than friends. Yes, you had a strong bond, but never crossed the line of platonic.

You weren’t sure how and why that bond was formed. Maybe because you were already very close to Steve when Bucky came along? I mean, it was like you knew him before you even met him, through Steve’s stories. Maybe that is why you never truly feared him, unlike the other avengers…

So you kind of knew him, but he didn’t know you at all. Yet he trusted you. Maybe because Steve trusted you? You were the one who stayed with Bucky in Wakanda after he came out of cryo. You were the only person Steve trusted to stay with his very fragile friend while he adjusted to his new life, since he couldn’t constantly be there, being on the run and all. You already had experience dealing with one struggling super soldier from the 40s. Even though Bucky’s case was vastly different from Steve’s, he still believed you were the best for the job.

Those few months in Wakanda were some of the most difficult of your life. Constantly worrying about your closest friends being fugitives, not being able to talk to most of your other closest friends because you were hiding yourself and they were supposed to hunt you down, all while trying to be strong for Bucky.

You saw him at his absolute worst; in pain, in agony, dealing with ptsd, nightmares, anxiety, depression, memories consuming his mind and crushing his soul. So many things that would destroy the strongest person; yet Bucky survived. Thus you two came truly close, by being there for each other.

It was no easy task. But you wanted to do it. You wanted to help him more than anything, since you knew deep in your heart he deserved a second chance. So much were taken from him, a man who did nothing all his life but help those in need.

It had nothing to do with the fact that you liked him.

Yes, obviously you liked him! It took you a while to realize, and when you did, you assumed it was just a crush. He was extremely attractive, incredibly powerful yet very gentle and caring; who wouldn’t have a crush on him?

After two years of interacting you were fairly certain you were in love with him. The irony was that now you couldn’t do much about it. Bucky had become one of the most important people in your life and there is no way you would risk losing him.

Bucky loved you; you were certain about that. He was always there for you, even when you didn’t know you needed him. Super protective, very tender and remarkably sweet. Even at his worst days, he would never be harsh to you, ever.

Bucky also hated being touched, but you were the exception. Even Steve would hug him less frequently. It was so hard, because Bucky was touched starved and physically abused at the same time. He craved it and hated it all at once. You’ve developed this instinct of knowing when he needed the contact and when not. It mesmerized him.

You were definitely special to him, but was he in love with you? That you couldn’t tell. You weren’t even sure Bucky would let himself fall in love ever again. It is such a vulnerable place to be. You had decided to stop wondering, it only brought pain. Friends was what you had and it was beautiful.

You felt a pretty aggressive tap on your shoulder out of nowhere and you turn to find none other than Natasha looking at you, an enigmatic look on her face. “Emergency girls’ meeting. Get off your ass y/n.” You made an effort to, but in the mean time Bucky had decided to turn you into his personal pillow, resting half of his upper body on your lap making impossible for you to move.

“Buck? Can you move a little bit for me please?” Hearing that, Bucky pushed himself up as quickly as his state allowed. You were fast to stand but he was faster to grab your hand. “Hey hey! Where do you think you are going doll?”

“The girls need me. I’ll see you soon.” You reassured him.

He made a pout and he looked at you like a disappointed puppy. “But you promised you wouldn’t leave my side all night...”

Wanda was waiting for you with a huge smile on her face. They must have some good news you assumed. “So? What’s the emergency?” you asked.

You let out a defeated sigh. Truth was you had promised that in your attempt to convince him to attend this New Year’s party, unlike the previous ones.

"What if I promise I won’t be gone for long?"

“Hm... No." Bucky shook his head like a five-year old kid. It was freaking adorable.

"Buuuuck come oooon..." you begged.

"Hmmmm...Nope."

"I think I'm gonna throw up" Clint shamelessly mocked the corny scene taking place in front of him and you couldn't help but laugh.

"Just for two minutes? Pretty please?" your last attempt.

"Uhm, okay. But no more than that." he finally backed out.

"No more than that." you smiled reassuringly.

"You promise?" those puppy eyes were back and you melted on the inside.

"I promise Buck." You turned to leave but his strong grip on your hand kept you in the same spot.

"Bucky. The hand."

"What hand?" He tilted his head, puzzled.

"MY hand!” You shook it trying to get his attention there. “You are still holding it."

"Oh right. Your hand..." his thumb drew small circles on your skin. "So soft..." he was talking more to himself than you.

"Thank you honey, but you have to let it go now..."

"Right." and he did, but not before leaving a chaste kiss on your knuckles.

You followed Nat, ignoring your heart nearly jumping out of your chest.

“It’s you who needs to tell us.” Nat lifted an eyebrow.

“Spill the beans y/n!” Wanda nearly hopped in excitement.

“What beans? What are you two talking about?” you were utterly confused.

“Y/n. Stop playing dam.” Nat was now serious.

“I’m not playing anything! I just don’t understand what you mean.” The two girls shared a look and Wanda nodded for some reason.

Nat looked you dead in the eyes. “Did you sleep with Barnes?”

“WHAT?!” your jaw dropped. “No! The fuck are you talking about?”

Nat just rolled her eyes. “He has been all over you all night. Something must have changed.” Wanda explained, the hopeful bright smile never leaving her face.

The girls knew about your feelings for Bucky. Nat was great at reading people and Wanda, well she could literally read minds. Although she tried to avoid it, sometimes it just slipped. They were your closest friends, so you didn’t mind. They were extremely supportive, always there for you. In fact, they were positive Bucky felt the same way and spent the last few months encouraging you to make a move, even though you made it pretty clear it would never happen.

“Nothing changed girls. He is just super drunk, that’s all.”

“Most of us are drunk y/n.” Nat pointed out.

“Well not for the first time in 70 years we aren’t.”

“He may be drunk but he is wrapped around you, nobody else, just saying...” she insisted and Wanda winked at you.

“Nat!” you cut her off so abruptly they both seemed a little taken aback. You took a slow deep breath to keep yourself calm. “Look girls… I know you are only trying to help and I appreciate that, I really do. But giving me false hope isn’t the way. Bucky and I are just friends and this is all we gonna be. I have accepted that. So let’s just not turn this into something that it isn’t, okay? Bucky got drunk, his need for affection came through. That’s all.”

“That doesn’t mean anything; we are just closer I guess.” you shrugged.

“How closer is the question-”

Wanda nodded, her previously jazzed smile was now a sympathetic one. Nat wasn’t looking at you as much as at someone behind you and the corner of her mouth moved upwards before mumbling an “Okay.” in a tone you couldn’t read.

At that moment you felt a pair of arms, one warm, the other icy cold, wrapping around your waste and a head resting on your shoulder. You instinctively enveloped his fore arms in yours.

“Time is up doll.” Bucky announced. The girls shared a sneaky look but neither of them said a word. You just rolled your eyes and turned around to Bucky.

“Uh oh... Am I in trouble?” you asked playfully.

“Very much so.” he nodded once trying to look very serious but that goofy smile wouldn’t leave his face.

“Oops. Should I be scared Sergeant Barnes?”

“You should. Nobody gets away with lying to me. Not even the most beautiful girl in the room.” Bucky smirked and you felt all the blood rushing to your cheeks.

“Ooookay I think someone had too much to drink. Vision is clearly compromised.” you chuckled.

“Sh sh sh!” Bucky rested his index finger on your lips shushing you and his eyes wondered upwards as if listening to something.

The cheerful holiday songs had been replaced by retro 40’s music, something Tony did every year in honor of the two oldest Avengers. His whole face lit up when he realized. “Let’s dance! Nat, go grab Stevie.”

“On it.” the redhead complied, shooting you with one last playful wink.

Bucky took a step towards the dance floor but you stopped him. “Bucky no! We never dance, remember? It’s our thing.” It was true, Bucky hated the attention and you… Well you were terrible at it! Despite your friends telling you that was an overstatement, you only danced in your bathrobe in the privacy of your bedroom.

“Not tonight doll. Bucky Barnes was the best dancer in Brooklyn! Time to prove it.” He raised a brow cockily. “And I know you got some good moves yourself.”

Bucky had once sneaked into your room after hearing loud music and enjoyed a good two minutes of you going at it with Uptown Funk playing in the background, before you realized he was there. To say you were pissed was an understatement.

You didn’t move so he had to drag you to the dance floor. “But I don’t know how to swing Buck!” You searched for a savior in the crown to only meet Steve’s eyes having the same desperate expression as yours.

“That’s okay doll, I’ll show you.”

And he did.

At first you were all wobbly and insecure, second guessing your every move, but Bucky’s excitement was infectious. He was indeed a great dancer! Music flowed through his movements perfectly. He twisted you around and lifted you effortlessly. What really got you though was the sheer joy in his eyes; it lifted your spirit and gave you confidence to try new things. At some point you even tried the jumping over his shoulders thing, which had the crowd cheering.

You couldn’t remember the last time you had so much fan at a party. In the end you were all sweaty and punting, yet you didn’t wanna stop.

That was the perfect moment for the playlist to turn into blues. Everybody stopped to their feet and pairs started forming. Bucky offered his hand; your palm rested on his and he drew you close to him, wrapping his metal arm around your waste, and you swayed to the music.

“Told you you have some good moves.” Bucky pointed out but you shook your head.

“You are lucky I am as drunk as you because that is never happening again.”

“Wasn’t it worth it though? Getting over you shy ass and dancing with me?” he teased and you couldn’t lie. “Yes Bucky, it was definitely worth it.” His lips spread to a blissful smile that warmed your insides.

The music kept going and Bucky wouldn’t take his eyes off your face. He studied your every feature as if he was looking at you for the first time. “You are you know.” he mattered.

You tilted your head in confusion. “I’m what?”

“The most beautiful girl.” You instantly groaned hiding your flustered face in the crook of his neck and he laughed out loud. “Always so bad at taking compliments!”

“Shut up!” you muffled against his chest.

Yes you were bad at taking compliments, especially when they came from him!

When you lifted your head again, all the front strands of hair that escaped thanks to the crazy dancing were now stuck on your cheek. Bucky delicately tucked them behind you ear, caressing your cheek with his thump. You suddenly became aware of how close you were. This should feel weird was your first thought but the opposite was true. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. You could tell by Bucky’s calm demeanor he felt the same way.

He let your hand rest on his chest and his right arm joined the left on your waist, drawing you even closer than before.

You found yourself unable to look away from him. Everything else disappeared, it was only you, him and the music. His big blue eyes had captured your soul, a prison you didn’t want to escape from. The look on his face was something you hadn’t seen before.

You watched as the corners of his mouth slowly moved upwards. “Y/n… I’m gonna tell you something” he leaned in with a sneaky smirk “but you can’t tell anyone.”

“Is it a secret?” You matched his sneaky tone. Bucky nodded. “Biiiiiig one.” You giggled, his goofy drunk voice didn’t help to take him seriously. “What is it about?”

“You.”

That’s when you realized. The sweetness in his voice, the tenderness on his face, the adoration in his eyes, all the things you felt for him were now projected by every piece of him.

“Then you can’t tell me.”

Bucky’s face fell. “But why?”

“Sharing secrets while drunk isn’t a good idea. Never ends well.”

If he had feelings for you, you didn’t wanna find out that way. You wanted him to be fully aware of his actions and the consequences.

“But I want to tell you.” that puppy pout was back and it was killing you.

“You can always tell me tomorrow.”

“What if I forget?”

“If it’s truly important you won’t forget.”

Bucky seemed to consider your words for a second. “Is that how it works?”

“That’s how it works.” you smiled and he seemed convinced. A relieved grin made it’s way back to his lips. “Okay then.”

Your heart went back to it’s place. Even though this was probably all in your head, it was better not to risk a drunk confession only for it to be taken back the next day. You knew you couldn’t get over that.

You decided to push every anxious thought away and enjoy the rest of that beautiful night. And that is exactly what you did for the next 30 seconds, until your legs suddenly went numb and your vision blurred. “Oh crap!” you immediately stopped moving.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky’s voice sounded from afar.

“I think I had too much to drink...” you batted your eyelids in an attempt to clear your vision.

“Oh god, are you okay? Come on let’s sit down.” He helped you to the nearest sofa. “I’m okay, just a little dizzy.”

“Shit.” he sounded panicked. “Let me bring you some water sweetheart.” he practically sprinted to the bar and was back in no time with a full glass.

People noticed and before you knew it Nat was next to you in full mam mode, while a circle started forming around you making you even worse.

“People, she needs some space here, please.” Steve’s Cap voice cleared the space. “We should get her to her room Buck, she probably needs sleep.”

Somehow, between numbness, nausea and a splitting headache, you ended up in the comfort of your bed. You didn’t know how long you were there, it was a blur. After a lot of hydration, a mix of Banner made pills and a lot of patience, you finally started feeling like yourself again.

“You sure you don’t wanna go to a hospital?” Wanda insisted.

“Yeah guys, I’m a lot better now, I swear.” you moved to a sitting position to prove your point. “I’ll take a shower and sleep for like 12 hours. You go back to the party.”

“Are you sure?” Steve always double checked. “Yes Steve, no need to worry.” you reassure him. “Don’t lose anymore fun because of me people, come on now, move!”

Finally convinced, your friends said their good nights and head back. Bucky hadn’t said a word the whole time; he only held your hand tightly, drawing reassuring circles with his thump on your skin. You squeezed his hand as a cue for him to leave with the other. “I’m not going anywhere until you fall asleep you know.” was his response.

“Buck, you don’t have to, honestly! Those were just signs of exhaustion. Sleep deprivation and alcohol combined can do that to a person.” Bucky let out a heavy breath and you noticed the carefree glow that decorated his face the whole night was now gone.

“I’m sorry I ruined your night...” you stared at your palms, guilt evident in your voice.

“Hey hey...” Bucky reach for your chin and lifted your head to look you right in the eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry about! Tonight was the most fun night of my life, all thanks to you.”

“Me?” you chuckled. “ I ‘m pretty sure it’s Thor and his alien cocktails you should be thankful to.”

Bucky scoffed softly as if he found your words funny. “y/n... you do so much more than you realize.”

You tried to decipher the meaning of his words but you were so lost in his gentle expression at that moment...

“Okay, now it’s sleepy time!” He snapped you out of it.

“You seriously gonna put me to bed like a baby?” you cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Pretty much.” he nodded firmly.

“Fine I guess.” you sighed getting up. “I’m gonna take my shower first, so make your self comfortable!” you gestured towards the bed.

Bucky’s satisfied grin was ear to ear as he laid back on your pillows, arms behind his head and placed one foot on the bed. “Shoes off my sheets Barnes!” you shouted before shutting the bathroom door and he instantly kicked his shoes off like a child caught doing mischief.

You hopped into the shower and let the warm water wash every last feeling of sickness away. You stepped out all relaxed and ready for your long night sleep.

“You can’t say I kept you waiting for long.” you said walking out the bathroom. Hearing no answer from Bucky, you checked if he was still there only to find him sound asleep.

You tiptoed your way around the bed to reach your side. Sleep wasn’t something that came easily to Bucky, you weren’t about to wake him simply because he was in the wrong bed. There was plenty of room for both after all.

Carefully, you cover both of you with the blanket and you laid to your side facing him. You couldn’t help but stare at his handsome face. With all the pressure, the constant worries lifted off his shoulders, he seemed so peaceful. He looked younger, softer, the way he would look if all those horrifying things hadn’t happened to him.

Your heart ached at the thought of this beeing most certainly an one night thing. That in the morning, all the terror would come crushing down on him all over again…

Your emotions took over and before you knew it, your lips were leaving a chaste kiss on his cheek. Bucky shifted and you panicked assuming you awakened him. Still asleep, Bucky turned to his side and wrapped you in his arms, holding you tight against him.

At first you tensed up, but as soon as his familiar cent enveloped you, you melted in his embrace, feeling safe and relaxed.

If the first night of the year was the night you get to sleep in Bucky’s arms, then so be it.

…………………………………..

The first rays of the morning sunshine hit your eyelids, slowly bringing you out of your deep sleep. Considering it was the coldest period of winter, you woke up feeling unusually warm. In your attempt to get rid of the covers you realized why.

It wasn’t the blanket that kept you warm. It was Bucky.

You wondered how you ended up waking up with him hugging you from behind. Memories of the night before started hitting you one by one, from the moment you stepped out of your room to the moment you ended up with Bucky sleeping next to you. You were becoming more and more worried about what his reaction would be to the two of you coming so close last night. You knew he didn’t deal well with closeness, mental or physical.

His grip around you loosened. “Good morning.” the lack of sleepiness in his voice gave away that he was awake before you.

“Good morning...” you mattered a bit hesitantly.

“How are you feeling?” he asked. “Good.” You couldn’t tell from his tone if he was cool with this or not. He hadn’t gotten up and run away; a good sign. “What about you?”

“I remember.” was his response. At first you were confused, but then you realized...

“Remember what?”

“The secret.” there was the exact answer you expected.

You had to turn around and face him for this. He seemed calm and at ease, much like last night, which surprised you. But you knew him very well. You could see fear hidden in his eyes.

You rested your hands on his chest, hoping that would help him feel you were together in this. Your inviting gaze let him know you were expecting him to finally share that secret with you.

“I love you.”

Time stopped. Those three words were all you wanted to hear for so long, it now felt like an illusion. You searched his eyes for any sign of doubt, but you found nothing else but hope and fear. Hope for something more than you already had. Fear that his feelings may not be reciprocated. You could feel his heart beating against your palms as fast as yours.

You dragged your hand from his stern to his cheek, delicately caressing his sweet face. “I love you too Bucky. More than anything.”

The smile that appeared on his lips was the purest and most beautiful thing you had ever seen. Without spending one more second, Bucky reached forward and pressed his lips against yours.

For the first time in a long time everything felt like it was in the right place.

“Happy New Year Bucky.”

He hugged you impossibly tight, resting his chin on top of you head.

“I have a feeling it will be.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading! Never forget, feedback is balsam to creative lonely souls like my ass! Maybe share if you think it’s worth it? Hit me with an ask/dm if you wanna be tagged or for anything else, always happy to talk. byeeeeeee <3

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