#but I can recognize a pattern and the pattern is all my 'problematic' friends and myself got rejected

[madamtrashbat]

Y'all might need this back after y'all's hissy fit yesterday:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-sense-of-entitlement-5120616

I have got to hand it to suddenlyalright, she did a really fucking good job running with the campaign that I'm salty over not getting picked for the zine and literally nothing else could have caused me to be upset at all, no sir, including a person who harassed me and a bunch of my friends and openly sends anon hate had nothing to do with it.

Efficiency is definitely something you want from a mod, I guess. Impartiality out the window, this bitch gets shit done.

Go bother someone else.

[discoursecatharsis]

I've noticed this pattern with antis in fandom where, in their attempt to distance themselves from anything and everything "problematic" in their fandoms, they refuse to acknowledge when they DO enjoy something problematic. Therefore, they don't recognize the problematic elements of the ship, character, media, etc. They'll also heavily downplay or deny any problematic. aspects of their favorite fandom thing.

I just saw an example of this and it is blowing my mind right now and I need to share this with y'all.

It involves the comments on this video.

Some context for Princess and the Frog: the blonde girl is Charlotte, also called Lottie. She's the main character Tiana's best friend. Charlotte's goal was always to marry a prince, and she almost marries (who she believes to be) Prince Naveen, but once she sees that Naveen and Tiana are in love, she tries to help them turn back human so they can be together.

At the end of the movie, Tiana and Naveen get married, and this scene plays after. Charlotte dances with Naveen's kid brother, and says "I've waited this long" in response to him saying that he's 6 and a half years old.

Now Charlotte's line here, if you look at the context clues of her story line, implies that she's saying "I've waited this long for a prince to marry, so I can wait longer for Naveen's younger brother to grow up." It's just a joke. Albeit, a joke that many will find to be very uncomfortable and inappropriate, but a joke nonetheless. I highly doubt Charlotte is actually going to "wait for" this child to grow up to marry him. She's making a joke at her expense, about her desperation of her dream to marry a prince.

BUT FOR SOME REASON.... many of the comments are like "she means that she's been waiting to DANCE with a prince."

I'm completely and utterly serious y'all. Here are some of the comments along those lines, with thousands of thumbs up each.

If you've seen this movie, you'll realize that these comments make absolutely no sense for more than one reason.

1) Charlotte danced with Prince Naveen (or at least with the villain disguised as him) earlier in the movie. She danced with a prince already. Why would that still be her dream if she already accomplished that?

2) Lottie speaks multiple times (during her childhood and in present day as a young adult) about her dream of "marrying a prince." Not dancing with a prince. Not meeting one. No, she wants to MARRY A PRINCE AND BE A PRINCESS.

This video has some clips of her saying this, at the time stamps 0:20, 2:52, 4:08, and 5:21.

Charlotte does give up her dream of marrying Naveen specifically for Tiana, because she see that he makes Tiana happy. But with how she jumps in like a wide receiver to catch the bouquet at Naveen and Tiana's wedding, it's clear she still has her dream of marrying *A* prince, just not Naveen.

But back to the comments on that video.

The comments seem to be downplaying the actual implication of her line. It's almost like they're desperately trying to ignore what she actually meant and make it more wholesome because they don't want to admit that their favorite movie has an uncomfy and inappropriate joke.

It's disturbing that this is yet another example where people in fandom (who are fantis or have been influenced by that fanti mindset) are downplaying a scene (or a ship, trope, etc) that is ACTUALLY problematic because they personally like the movie or the character and they don't want to admit that it has some issues. Instead of just admitting "yeah that scene/line was kinda fucked up and gross," they are jumping through HOOPS to make it seem more innocent than it was. And this is completely blowing my mind and is honestly concerning.

If you want to personally interpret it in a different way, in a way to make it more palatable to you, be my guest. That's what fandom and fanon is all about and I do that a lot too. But to see so many people outright deny the actual implications of this line is... bizarre af. It's one thing to be like "hmm yeah I don't like that, so I'm going to personally interpret this ship/trope/scene differently so it's more comfortable to me." It's another thing entirely to be in complete denial and ignore the actual context of the character and their story.

Also, so many of the other comments on the video aren't even commenting on the actual scene or on what Charlotte said. They're just generic comments on how much they love Charlotte as a character or how they miss this 2D animation. It's like they're trying reallyyyyyy hard to ignore the joke that's being made.

On the grander scheme, this is concerning because these people are refusing to acknowledge something that's inappropriate at best and predatory at worse (an adult "waiting" for a child to grow up) because they don't want to be caught enjoying/supporting something "bad."

All their talk about normalizing and normalization, but they're the ones kinda normalizing bad things by downplaying them or being in denial of it when it's in THEIR favorite media. And that is very concerning and a big issue.

[mama-vaggie]

Hi! Please feel free to ignore this, I am not trying to hate at all! Just curious!/gen Why do you tak care of Rhea but not other vent littles?/lh /gen /curious I know your mental health isn't the best, so I now that could be reason, I just thought that if it was, you would take a step back form Rhea too. Again no hate what so ever!/gen sending lots of love Sorry if this came off as rude or offensive!/gen

Dear Anon

I am Mod E, I dont normally answer asks in anyway on Vaggie's blog. Im just here to monitor the inbox, make special announcements, and block problematic blogs, however, Mod Ocean (aka Vaggie) and I agreed that its probably best that I handle your ask in particular in order to allow you to help you get a better understanding of what actually is going on here.

We know you meant nothing offensive in your ask and that you are genuinely concerned about Mod Ocean and her mental health. However 'stepping back' from Rhea is not possible. This is because Mod Ocean and Rhea are the same person. 

Now its a little hard for me to explain. Im going to be using terms generally used by systems (I myself am part of a system) but I want to make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR:

MOD OCEAN DOES NOT HAVE DID AND IS NOT A SYSTEM NOR IS SHE CLAIMING TO BE A SYSTEM!

IT IS JUST EASIER FOR MYSELF (MOD E, A MEDICALLY RECOGNIZED SYSTEM) TO EXPLAIN THIS USING SYSTEM TERMINOLOGIES!

Mod Ocean has a diagnosis of BPD. One of the effects of BPD is (quote taken from the NHS website) "disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" " I personally dont like the use of the term 'disturbed' here but that is straight from this website: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/

There isnt a lot of research into BPD and how these distortions manifest in individuals but for Mod Ocean, it manifests in almost alter-like personalities that have taken on an appearance and have histories all their own. They tend to 'come to front' to help Mod Ocean process the extreme emotional disregulation that comes with BPD.

Mod Ocean is my best friend, she has been a massive support in my own journey of discovering that im part of a system and encouraging me to speak to a therapist. Rhea is real. She has her own thoughts and feelings that can be hurt. I can always tell there is a massive difference when im talking to Ocean vs when Im talking to Rhea or Jadie vs when im talking to Vaggie. 

So your ask was sent with good intentions, yes. But you also sent it under an incorrect assumption. Vaggie cannot take a step back from Rhea. 

This is also part of the reason why Mod Ocean isnt always comfortable handling other vent regressors. They are always welcome to reach out to her, vent and cry and that but when they start getting violent/aggressive towards themselves or her is when she has to step back. 

I hope this makes sense and helps explain the situation a bit better. If you have any further questions please reach out to me on my blog @the-hellion-collective and ill answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability.

~Mod E 👾

[libbee]

My 8th house transformation notes:

You dont remember the past you anymore because you have gradually healed and changed. Intuition, synchronicity, occult tools, dream symbolism, inner knowledge are your methods for healing and transformation. But this change is not sudden like the nature of 8th house. It is rather slow, gradual and blending into each other. It is like fixing your self esteem issues then slowly learning to handle negative emotions then learning to change destructive and dysfunctional thought pattern then learning to destroy previously held beliefs and ideals then seeing connection between psyche and people. In this way, you slowly heal before you know it.

Look at the above image. You go from violet to red slowly and the whole journey matters, each step matters.

2. You become fearless. You have a knowing that whatever happens is meant to happen so taking career risks is a brave decision. You feel different from the mainstream idea of youth, people, life. It is like most people in the world are so unaware of the self and soul, they are so detached from their emotional lives, it is like the world is upside down to you. You have no problem keeping to yourself because you dont long for social validation and acceptance. This is where the stereotype of mysterious persona comes from.

3. "Thinking is hard that's why most people judge". You have incredible patience and tolerance for problematic people because you see through their fake performance and see the emotional suffering they suffer to feel powerful over others, overcome their insecurity by cheap means, embarrassing themselves by thinking their tricks are working. Oddly, you feel sympathy and compassion for them.

4. With all the thinking, contemplation, self development arises a sense of self. Your self image is much stable. Transformation is a humbling process, it really awakens you that there is some higher power who knows everything for some reason somehow. With this awareness, you search for meaning in life. Some might become passionately devoted to a craft, work, skill, art, worship. While you might be a chaotic mess before, now you feel like a wise sage. You have really lived life, experienced the magic of being and know the "secrets" of life. Your presence is calming. You are conscious and self aware. You really know what you are doing. I am reminded of tarot card The Magician:

This is your persona, the shadow is the "bad people" you attracted in your life. You are now the lighter side of the magician that is: will to power over yourself, influence others positively, resourceful, skill, logic, intellect, have psychic powers, practitioner of occult. But you are also aware of the darker side that is: power over others, manipulation, greed, untrustworthiness, trickery, cunning, narcissism, liar, charlatan. You can recognize some of the people you met in your life in these keywords, can you? Friends/family/lovers/colleagues, anyone who showed a kind of revelation to you that what appears on surface is not the same as internal person.

Now you can see why you attracted a certain kind of people in your life who were your spiritual teachers. They were simply your shadow that you denied in yourself. With this knowledge, you are a whole person who is naturally called to do self actualization. There is no going back from here. But it is a journey you are excited to undertake. If you are really self aware, you would know you kind of put on a mask in social personality but in private you drop that mask to do inner work and be yourself with all the light and darkness.

5. When it comes to transformation, we hear things like "change your way of life". What it means is to change your habits, beliefs and thought patterns. Once the old system is destroyed, there is a void and that cannot sustain for too long. You immediately need a new system to hold your life in place otherwise that stage of dissolution can be really paralyzing. Like you are so sad and confused that you cannot leave your room, brush, bath, socialize, study, work.

To tell you an example, this is the skeletal system of a bird, it holds the bird's body upright, without this system the bird cannot fly, if a bone is fractured the bird is dysfunctional, if there is sickness the bird is in pain. Just like the body needs a system, we also need a system in daily mundane life. A routine, a structure, many many habits that are autonomous, thought processes to hold you up. This is the adult life where one is responsible for themselves and so they need a solid framework for their life. What habits you need to change is a personal journey but the habit must change.

6. Old impulses and temptations lack their lusture. The temptation to binge watch instagram reels? Nah, it just does not feel tempting. Temptation to binge eat 5000 kcal food? Nah, the temptation is gone. To tell you an example, it is compared to a dried raisin that has lost its juice so the old temptations are just not dopamine gratifying:

You have this sense of "I will not do or say anything that makes me feel ashamed of myself". "I will live my life by my values and principles". "I will not be cringey, I will be a person people can rely upon". It is a strange feeling, you will feel it when the transformation happens in your life. My intention to write this post is that of validation of your feeling. Spiritual awakening is a really dark and confusing step. It is like this meme:

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

[sevilemar]

A friend of mine says Clara Oswald is not a real character so much as a function or catalyst for the Doctor's arc, and that it's sexist because it perpetuates a stereotype where the woman is there only to help the guy.

And my friend is right. I spent all day yesterday thinking about why I love Clara, and apart from her wit and confidence, I could only come up with things that relate her to the Doctor. If that is not the definition of exactly this stereotype, then I don't know what is.

I also know the harm this stereotype has done in the world, to men and women and multiforms alike. I'm living it, and seeing it around me wherever I go. And yet I still love Clara, and the relationship between Clara and Twelve. I guess this is what 'problematic fave' means.

But I think there is more to it for me, and I don't really know how to categorise it yet. Because we have the exact same dynamic between John and Sherlock in 'Sherlock', which is also a Moffat thing, and I loved that one as well.

So let's take a look at why I love it so much, and maybe how it can be done better.

- There is not a shred of romantic or sexual attraction between Clara and Twelve, and yet their relationship is as focused on each other and as intense as a romance, maybe even more so. And that is such a rare find that my asexual little brain soaks it up like a dried-out sponge.

And yes, that is different from all the same-sex relationships that should have been romances but weren't because asshole execs said no. If you don't know the difference, I can't help you.

- None of their attraction is based on physical appearances whatsoever. Clara has difficulties accepting Twelve's old looking face at first, and Twelve cannot even tell how old Clara looks, let alone finds her physically attractive in any way. Their relationship is not based on looks at all, and it soothes fears I didn't know I still had.

- They change each other in fundamental ways. Whatever you might say about Clara, you cannot deny that she becomes more like the Doctor with every episode. It is made very explicit in the show itself, in 'Flatline' and 'Death in Heaven', where even the intro is changed to reflect it. She even gets her own TARDIS and companion in the end. And I think we already covered how Clara's function is to change the Doctor.

I don't care if the change is for the better or not. I enjoy a toxic codependency in fiction probably even more than a healthy one (and one day I probably get into that). I care about the scope and intensity of the change, and that it is mutual. When you change each other on a fundamental level, you have the strongest bond I can imagine, and it gets me every time. The more fundamental the change, the more I love the dynamic, whatever it looks like. Which is also why I love Twelve and Missy so much, or John and Sherlock.

If there are 'Hannibal' fans reading this, you might recognize the pattern, and indeed, I was and still am a rabid 'Hannibal' fan. And what I said earlier about finding better examples of this dynamic, Will and Hannibal are it. They are both distinct characters in their own right, their arcs are equally important in the show, they are treated as two equal characters by TPTB instead of genius and companion, and they have all the things I love in a fictional relationship. (Though the Hannigram shippers may deny the romantic/sexual attraction thing, but I will die on that hill). To actively combat sexism and not just passively avoid it, make them female next time, yeah?

And yet, there are so few relationships out there that fit my id criteria, that I will gladly take my problematic faves and run with them, knowing full well what it means. Sue me for liking what I like, I guess.

[sailormoonsub]

Your opinion on PMMM so far? (and on its 'problematic' elements?)

Haha this ask will undoubtedly become a catalyst for Discourse but I will bite anyway. I don’t want to debate these opinions, this is just a place to showcase my interpretations so far, as of episode 9.

I completely understand why people don’t enjoy it. It IS about girls suffering. But I personally do not necessarily categorize it with the grimdark edgy pain-for-the-sake-of-pain genre. Each of the girls is like the hero of her own epic poem, with a particular fatal flaw that plays in to her downfall.

Sayaka’s arc is a really concise example of this. I think I unintentionally came across as demeaning to her character during my review. That’s because I recognized so many of my own patterns of past behavior in her. We see Sayaka reject help, surrender opportunity, and engage in self-sabotage that ends up causing widespread damage, because her hamartia is self-hatred. In a rather “closeted while Catholic” way, she believes herself to be beyond redemption, unworthy of grace. You know, depressed. 

Kyoko’s Achilles heel feeds directly into this. What happens when you combine someone who refuses to be saved with someone who will risk any price to save her? The answer is exactly as tragic as you think! Sayaka’s downfall is the inciting event for Kyoko’s downfall. Living on her own and shutting everyone else out has kept her alive. But it hasn’t made her happy, either. To care about someone else is to make yourself vulnerable, to take on their burdens in addition to yours. She seems to say “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ -William Shakespeare”.

Same with Madoka. She’s an older sister and a nurse’s aide. She’d trained to nurture, and genuinely believes she doesn’t have value unless she can help other people. Her self-esteem is at zero and her desire to throw herself in front of a bullet for her friends is at 100. She’s poised to become the next Kyoko.

Kyubey manufactures a class infighting conflict between magical girls and magical-girls-turned-witches so that they cannot unionize to fight against HIM. He creates a perpetual machine that feeds wannabe helpers to hopeless causes. Homura is a saint who every now and then comes down from on high and offers a way out of the machine. And Mami is a ghost, whose sacrifice is symbolic of whatever agenda any given character wants to advance.

No idea what’s going on with all those chairs though. That’s just wrong. 

[laundryandtaxes]

i feel like on one hand my gut impulse is to be against the theory that the majority of women are bisexual, because not only does it have homophobic implications when people claim ALL human sexuality is a spectrum etc etc but as a bisexual woman i feel there are a lot of straight women who have been conditioned by porn culture to fetishize lesbian sex and the female body but don’t actually experience real attraction to women. because already i feel alienated from the majority of het-partnered bisexual women as one who has only ever been with and loved women, and some women who identify as “fluid” i think just make a mockery of genuine bisexuality and attraction to the same sex. but on the other hand i do think that “bicuriosity” is in fact bisexuality, and so are all those bi women who seem like they are from another world to me. and a lot of bisexuals could benefit from just accepting and recognizing that “spectrum” so we can have the vocabulary to connect to those closer to us in experience on it, and that kind of consciousness would also ideally mean fewer bisexuals identifying as gay and appropriating lesbian and gay terms. so after thinking about it like that i become less defensive and i do think it’s probable that the majority of the human population is bisexual (by the majority i just mean above 50%, not anywhere close to 100%). but this idea that women are more inclined toward bisexuality is still weird to me and imo connected to the idea that lesbian sex and relationships are just like a sexy form of female friendship. so idk. i also find the monkey comparisons problematic because with animal sexuality, you can only make conclusions about sexual behavior, not orientation. so like how on earth does male sexual aggression factor in? what we observe in animals as forced sex, what we would call rape in humans… how do we account for that? like even the most supposedly matriarchal of monkeys (bonobos) have to give the males constant sexual favors to limit their aggression, and we’re going to say our (still scientifically limited and possibly biased) observations of these species sexual behavior speaks truth to human sexual orientation? i don’t buy it

I definitely think drawing 1/1 parallels between any kinds of animal behavior and human behavior even among other primates is nonsense, but I did find the concept, presented in a podcast I heard recently, that the MAJORITY of women are bisexual to be untrue but probably speaking to a much greater prevalence than is generally understood now. I will say the researcher who was being interviewed made a pretty compelling point that men and women tend to have very different ways of categorizing both sexual experiences and any identity which might arise out of the patterns of those experiences- it's hard for me to imagine, for instance, WSW (women who have sex with women) taking off in a clinical setting out of a real need to use that terminology rather than lesbian or bisexual. I just found it an interesting idea that I hadn't really considered before.

I'd also been thinking about this in the context of intra-community dynamics and wondering what proportion of people are gay vs lesbian vs bisexual within the group and how that would impact community dynamic. A friend of mine unprompted recently said something extremely extremely similar to the second half of your message. Basically, she thinks that more broad acceptance of a spectrum of bisexual experiences would alleviate a lot of current queer homophobia and would allow bisexual people to have their own propensity toward mostly same sex or mostly opposite sex sexual activity without feeling they had to give up their claim to their sexuality. I think that understanding the experiences of women who date men and women fairly equally and those of women who almost exclusively date men as maybe not equally queer (gag) but certainly equally bisexual would make a lot of sense, and while on the one hand I think the lives of women like yourself are literally gayer than the lives of women who almost exclusively partner with men, I don't think any of that is objectively morally better or worse unless we are moralizing sexual orientation a lot. Thanks for sharing!

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Reparative Reading

I would love, and indeed have been meaning for a long time, to talk about a piece of academic writing from one of my favourite theorists that I think has an ongoing relevance. This is Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick’s “Paranoid Reading and Reparative Reading,” first published in the mid-to-late 1990’s and compiled in her 2003 monograph, Touching Feeling. There’s a some free PDFs of it floating around (such as here) for those who want to read it in full – and I would recommend doing so, despite its density in places, because Sedgwick has a marvelous critical voice.

Sedgwick’s topic of contention in this essay is the overwhelming tendency in queer criticism to employ what she thinks of as a paranoid methodology – that is, criticism based around the revelation of oppressive attitudes, and that sees that revelation not only as always and inherently a radical project, but the only possible anti-oppressive project. This methodology is closely related to what Paul Ricoeur termed the “hermeneutics of suspicion” and identified as central to the works of Marx, Nietzsche, and Freud, which were all progenitors of queer criticism. Sedgwick objects to the fact that the hermeneutics of suspicion had, at her time of writing, become “synonymous with criticism itself,” rather than merely one possible critical approach. She questions the universal utility of the dramatic unveiling of the presence of oppressive forces, pointing to the function of visibility itself in perpetuating systemic violence, and identifying the work of anti-oppression as one based in a competition for a certain type of visibility. She also rejects the knowledge of the presence of oppression alone as conferring a particular critical imperative, instead posing the question, “what does knowledge do?”

As an example, Sedgwick critiques Judith Butler’s commentary on drag in Gender Trouble, one of the works that she uses as an example of a reading based in a paranoid approach. She identifies Butler’s argument that drag foregrounds the constructed aspect of gender as a paranoid approach, due to its focus on revelation of structures of power and oppression, and she finds Butler’s argument lacking in its neglect in acknowledging the role that joy and community formation play in the phenomenon of drag. Near the end of the essay, she also does an example of a reparative reading of the ending of Proust’s In Search of Lost Time, claiming that the narrator’s remove from the traditional familial structure and its temporality is precisely what confers his particular moment joy and insight upon discovering that his friends have aged. Broadly, Sedgwick rejects the implication that readings based in joy, hope, or optimism are naïve, uncritical, or functionally a denial of the reality of oppression.

Now, it’s important to note that the message of this essay is not that paranoid readings are bad, and reparative readings are good. Sedgwick is drawing on a body of affect theories (most prominently Melanie Klein’s) that posit the reparative impulse as dependent on and resulting from the paranoid impulse – reparation by definition is something that can only occur after some kind of shattering, and Kleinian trauma theories generally posit that process as something that produces a new object or perspective than pre-trauma. (Something I love about Sedgwick is that she often sets up these binaries that seem at odds with each other, but end up being mutually dependent.) Furthermore, the critical tradition in queer studies that Sedgwick is critiquing in this essay is one that was itself, in many ways, a manifestation of communal trauma, particularly with the impact of the AIDS crisis. Sedgwick herself acknowledged this last point in a later essay, “Melanie Klein and the Difference Affect Makes,” claiming that she didn’t feel she did a good enough job of identifying the AIDS crisis as a driving force behind this trend. So Sedgwick is not discounting the utility of paranoid readings, but rather rejecting the notion that they ought to encompass all of criticism. (In fact, a running theme in Touching Feeling is her representation of various perspectives and methods as sitting beside one another, rather than hierarchically.) And reparative reading, as Sedgwick portrays it, is not the denial of trauma or violence, but a possibility for moving forward in its wake.

Why am I taking the time to outline all of this? Because, while the original essay was written almost 25 years ago, with the academic community in mind, it reflects a similar pattern that I see now in online fandom.

Queer fandom (as that’s what I feel the most qualified to talk about) has a considerable paranoia problem. Queer fandom is brimming with traumatized people who carry varying degrees of personal baggage and are afflicted by the general neuroses that come from existing in a heterosexist, cissexist society. And many people in fandom have been repeatedly burned by the treatment of queer people in media – Bury Your Gays, queerbaiting, queercoded villains, etc. And in such a media landscape, and within such a communal sphere, much of fandom has developed the kind of “anticipatory and reactive” method of media criticism that Sedgwick identifies in this essay.

Fandom gets very excited for new media, certainly, and is prone to adulation of media that seems to fit its ideological beliefs. But it is also very quick to hone in on any potential representative flaw, and use that as a vehicle for condemnation. (This cycling between idealization and extreme, bitter jadedness has been widely commented on). Not only is there a widespread moralistic approach in fan criticism that is very invested in deeming whether or not a piece of media is harmful or not, “problematic” or not, within a simplistic binary framing, but that conclusion is so frequently the end of the conversation. “This is problematic,” “this is bad representation,” “this falls into this tired and harmful trope,” etc, is treated as the endpoint of criticism, rather than a starting point. This is the spectacle of exposure that Sedgwick critiques as central to the paranoid approach – simply identifying the presence of oppressive attitudes in a text is not only treated as an analytic in and of itself, but as the only valid analytic. So often I have seen people jump to take the most pessimistic possible approach to a piece of media, and then proceed to treat any disagreement with that reading as in and of itself a denial of structural homophobia, as naïve, and as not being a critical enough reader/viewer. “Being critical” itself has been taken on as a shorthand for this particular process, which many others have commented on as well.

Now, again, I want to stress that taking issue with this totalizing impulse is not discounting the legitimate uses of identification and exposure, or even of reactivity and condemnation. There are particular contexts in which these responses have their uses – in Sedgwick’s words, “paranoia knows some things well and others poorly.” But that approach has a finite scope. And rejecting the universal application of this particular analytic does not itself constitute a denial of the existence of oppression, or its manifestation in media and narratives. Nor is it about letting particular works “off the hook” for whatever aspects they may have that are worthy of critique. Rather, it’s a call to acknowledge that other critical approaches exist, and that the employment of a more optimistic approach is not necessarily a result of ignorance or apathy about the existence of oppression. It is one that invites us not to lay aside paranoia as an approach, but recognize that it has limited applicability, and question when and how our motives might be better served by another approach.  

I think that “is this homophobic, yes or no?” or “is this good representation, yes or no?” are reductive critical approaches in and of themselves. But I think there’s also room for acknowledgment that not everything needs to be read through a revelatory lens regarding societal oppression at all. Rather than “what societal attitudes does this reflect back?” being the approach, I think there could be a good bit more “What does this do for us? What avenues of possibility does this have?” I think there’s already been leanings in this direction with, for example, the reclaiming of queercoded villains, with dialogues that treat those characters not as reflections of societal anxiety and prejudice, but rather as representative of joy and freedom and possibility in their rejection of norms and constraints. I’d like to see that approach applied more broadly and more often.

Let’s try to read more reparatively.  

[angeloncewas]

And regarding The Video, some fans were up to the plate to defend schlatt saying it’s not that bad or “it’s just edgy humor.” I wonder how many of those Schlatt fans preach about how stans are too parasocial? How quickly they are to defend their CCs? Because I give Dteam stans this, when that Tyrone video came out I didn’t see no dream stans defend that (and honestly dream did good apologizing for that and quickly, it seemed like something he really did regret making). I saw no one defend that as “edgy humor.” And saying it wasn’t that bad, Ty, Schlatts friend who is Jewish and black, said that video hurt to watch. Connor said that video is bad. If TWO friends of Schlatt directly said that video was absolute not ok and aren’t defending him, it’s weird that as a fan some were so quick to defend it. Idk it’s just something I observed

No one can escape. The parasocial relationship comes for us all 😔

Anyway, you're right. As much as I criticize the way twt jumps down creators' throats, that doesn't mean I think people in positions of influence/power should be able to do whatever they want. A big part of being able to properly consume "problematic" media (which is like, all media, btw) is being able to recognize when something goes too far and be willing to catch those mistakes and call them out. It's very easy to sink into a place where you just forgive and forget, but that's pretty complacent, and it's even worse if you're out there defending the bad shit. Schlatt's video was awful and the people who defended it as it stands were either also awful or blinded by their love for him.

Not to bring Hasan up for the 500th time, but the other day when he was making fun of Dream stans on twt (after the picture), he kind of dismissed the idea that his community is similarly "parasocial," which I think is wrong. Maybe their connection doesn't manifest itself in the way it does in mcyttwt, but Hasan has a community full of people who hang onto his every word. Who trust his opinion regardless of how theoretically incorrect it is because he has a perceived authority both as a streamer and as a public figure educated on politics. I'm not saying this is a bad thing or that it's his fault - it's kind of part of his cause as an activist - but I think a lot of people are quick to point out patterns in others without recognizing them in their own circles. Plenty of people have that "parasocial" (I've used that word way too many times today for my liking) relationship with a creator who condemns them or despite condemning them themself.

[maudsleyhealth]

You Shouldn't Ignore These 11 Eating Disorder Symptoms

What is the definition of an eating disorder?

Eating disorders are more widespread than many people realize. Lady Gaga, Zayn Malik, and Demi Lovato are just a handful of famous people who have struggled with eating disorders.

Recognize the signs and symptoms

Some eating disorder symptoms are obvious: significant weight loss, unwillingness to eat, and long lengths of time spent in the restroom after meals. Anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, on the other hand, manifest themselves in subtler ways. 

How do you know if a family member or acquaintance is in danger? Because persons with eating disorders show a wide range of symptoms, there is no guaranteed way of knowing. (Not to mention personal characteristics: Eating disorders, which were historically virtually exclusively connected with adolescent girls, are now seen in younger children and adults as well.) 

These easy-to-overlook symptoms, on the other hand, may help you detect an eating disorder or a disorder in the making, earlier.

Body image issues

According to Cynthia Bulik, PhD, an eating disorders specialist at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, negative or obsessive thoughts about body size, a critical element in all eating disorders, can emerge very early in the disease. 

Negative self-talk ("I'm so fat," "I have no self-control") and misinterpreting other people's comments are both warning signals of poor body image. "Comments like 'My, you've filled out well' can be misinterpreted as 'You look big," according to Bulik. 

She goes on to say that young girls' body insecurities might emerge or worsen when they compare themselves to idealized figures like Disney princesses and supermodels.

Excessive exercise

Excessive exercise behaviors, often known as "exercise anorexia," can accompany disordered eating and appear to be on the rise, according to Bulik. It can be difficult to define "excessive" exercise, especially when dealing with athletes or highly active young individuals. (Female athletes had a greater rate of eating disorders than non-athletes, 14 percent against 3 percent, according to a 2013 study of high school students.) 

Here are a couple of red flags: Does the individual become anxious if they miss a day of exercise? Is he or she a gym rat who works out even when wounded or sick? "These are really excellent indicators," Bulik argues, "that things have gone too far."

Fear of eating in front of others

Feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious about eating in public might be linked to body image concerns; for example, a person may believe that others are observing and judging them. 

However, it could simply indicate that eating has become stressful in general. "For someone with an eating disorder, eating can be extremely anxiety-provoking," explains Bulik. "Doing it in public only adds to the magnitude of the task." 

Although not wanting to eat in front of other people is a defining feature of anorexia, it can also be a symptom of other eating disorders. "Even persons with binge eating disorder would eat very little amounts in public and binge when they are alone," adds Bulik.

Fine Body Hair

People who have been starving their bodies for a long time acquire soft, downy body hair that resembles a thin film of fur on their arms and other regions of the body. Lanugo is a physical adaptation to the dangerously low weight and loss of body fat that some persons with anorexia experience. 

According to Bulik, author of The Woman in the Mirror: How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like with Who You Are, "it is a symptom of malnutrition and [an] attempt by the body to keep itself warm."

Preparing extravagant meals for other people

Even though persons with anorexia may avoid food themselves, they are often eager to watch others eat, and will go to great lengths to arrange sumptuous dinners for friends and family. This may be a type of vicarious enjoyment, or eating "through" others. 

The renowned Minnesota Starving Experiment, which took place in the mid-1940s, revealed similar results. Semi-starved volunteers who lost more than 25% of their body weight became fascinated with food and eating. Several of the males became cookbook and recipe collectors, a habit that has also been observed in anorexics.

Dry Skin

Dehydrated skin that is dry and blotchy can indicate chronic anorexia or bulimia. "Regular purging and laxative use might dehydrate you severely," Bulik warns. In persons with eating disorders, dry skin isn't the lone sign of dehydration. 

Dry lips, sunken cheeks, and eyes, as well as severe electrolyte imbalances, are all possible side effects. The formation of calluses on the knuckles is another skin modification that is a telltale indicator of bulimia. 

These lesions are known as Russell's signs (after the psychiatrist who first reported them), and they are created by continuously rubbing the back of the hand against the teeth while vomiting.

Feeling cold

Feeling chilly is more commonly related to anorexia than bulimia or binge eating disorder, as it is a sign of malnutrition and low body fat. People with eating disorders are more likely to complain about being cold or to wear sweaters and other heavy garments even in warm weather. 

Body fat conserves energy and protects the body from the elements. People with too little body fat may struggle to maintain their body temperature, and in some situations, hypothermia may result. 

Cheeks Swollen

According to Bulik, swelling along the jawline is most commonly related to bulimia, although it can also occur with any eating disorder that involves purging. (Some anorexics purge to maintain their weight.) People with bulimia, unlike those with anorexia, are frequently of normal or even above-average weight.) 

The enlarged salivary glands cause puffy cheeks (parotid glands). According to Bulik, edema can occur at any stage of the sickness and is dependent on the person and how often they purge. 

Getting fixated on'safe' food

The hallmark of the condition known as orthorexia is a fixation with foods thought to be "safe" or "healthy." According to Bulik, orthorexia can occasionally be a stepping stone to full-blown anorexia nervosa, even though it is not an official diagnosis. 

Although those with orthorexia focus on food quality while those with anorexia focus on quantity, the two illnesses can sometimes overlap. Anorexics, for example, have an extremely restricted diet and prefer to consume the same items over and over again. "Cutting out things they used to like, or even entire food groups, is one of the early indicators of people developing an eating disorder," Bulik adds.

Rituals in eating

Eating disorders can cause compulsive behaviors similar to those seen in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Food can be sliced into tiny bits or arranged in certain patterns as part of these so-called rituals. 

They're most commonly connected with anorexia (which frequently coexists with OCD), but they can also be an early indication of binge eating disorder. According to Bulik, rituals are "both a tactic not to eat and an element of the obsessionality connected with anorexia nervosa." "When eating disorders first emerge, people often try to make it appear as though they are eating by chopping things up and rearranging food on the plate to hide how little they are eating."

Unusual food combinations

Binge eaters are noted for combining unusual ingredients in recipes like mashed potatoes and Oreo cookies, or potato chips with lemon, pork rinds, Italian dressing, and salt. People who make their own food concoctions are more likely to binge than people who simply overeat, according to a recent study. 

However, this conduct frequently occurs in private and provides yet another source of shame for the individual with the illness. According to the study's authors, guilt and disgust might intensify the illness.

Maudsley Health Eating Disorder Service

At Maudsley Health, what services do they provide?

Maudsley Health an Eating Disorder Treatment Clinic in Abu Dhabi believes in providing gold-standard, evidence-based care, and all of the therapies they provide follow the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) 2017 recommendations. 

Dr. Victoria Mountford, our Joint Head of Eating Disorder Service, has spent the last 20 years specializing in eating disorder research and treatment in the UK and has been involved in the development of both CBT-ED and MANTRA (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy – Eating Disorder) (Maudsley Anorexia Nervosa Treatment for Adults). Our experts will discuss with you which treatment will best fit your needs during your assessment.

Family-Based Interventions for Young People with Anorexia Nervosa

They work with the young person and their family to help overcome anorexia utilizing family therapy combined with expert eating disorder knowledge, based on the Maudsley Model Family Therapy – Anorexia Nervosa (FT-AN) created at the Maudsley Hospital in London. They look at how the sickness has affected family life as well as behavioral changes. 

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy – Eating Disorder (CBT-ED)

CBT-ED can be used to treat any form of eating issue. It entails creating a tailored therapy plan that tackles any harmful thinking patterns, emotions, or behaviors that have emerged. It can also help with issues including low self-esteem, perfectionism, and having a negative body image. CBT can also be used to treat ARFID in children, adolescents, and adults.

Maudsley Anorexia Nervosa Treatment for Adults (MANTRA)

MANTRA is a modularized treatment for anorexia with a workbook to go along with it. It focuses on anorexia and explores sustaining elements such as emotional and relational challenges, problematic thinking habits, and parts of identity. 

What can I do if someone in my family has an eating disorder?

We understand how scary and difficult it can be to have a son, daughter, partner, or another family member with an eating disorder. You may be concerned about what to say or do at home as a result of your eating issue. 

Parents are sometimes concerned that they will be blamed. Families, we believe, do not create eating disorders, but they are critical to rehabilitation. We like to include family members or carers in the therapy process whenever possible (working with you and your loved one to decide how best to do this).

What can I do as a teacher or school counselor?

Because eating disorders usually begin in adolescence, teachers and school counselors may be in a good position to identify and raise concerns. Eating disorders can make it difficult for a youngster to focus and study, as well as participate fully in school or university life. 

They may isolate themselves and avoid mealtimes. People do not recover from eating disorders on their own, according to research, and the sooner they seek help, the sooner they can begin to recover.

Where can I learn more?

Maudsley Health will be delighted to discuss the next steps with you. Please call (+971) 2610 7777 to schedule an appointment to discuss your options.

[muthaz-rapapa]

[Disclaimer: This is just my personal opinion, I'll try my best to express it without make it sound rude. And you can disagree with me].

I understand Laura is your favorite character and she's been great so far, but for me I have a love-hate relationship with her. Like I said, Laura's a great mermaid-now turned human character, she really showed her care and determination to help her friends, especially Manatsu. However, there's a part of her that really annoys me and that's her tsundere side. I reaaally hate tsundere characters, not only they're annoying and irritating to the point I want scream and slap at them but they also comes off as rude b*tches. Now I know not all tsunderes are like that, in fact, there are some well-written tsunderes that I really like (Rin Tohsaka from Fate/stay night) because at least I know why they act like that and I relate to them. In Laura's case, in episode 16, it really frustrates me that she didn't open up to her friends and expressed her desire to become human to spend more time with them. Why? Was she too embarrased to tell them? Was it because she was still a proud mermaid?

Nevertheless, while she's not officially my favorite character, I still think she's a great character and I respect her.

[Of course I can disagree with you! You have your own opinion and I have mine, after all. Not being rude, btw, just thought it was funny that I was told I can disagree on my own blog, lol 😅]

Cool. 😀 No, really. I get it. You can totally respect something or someone but still not like them for whatever reasons you may have. Like, take my feelings towards Haruka (Go!Pri) or Hana (Hugtto) for example. I thought their arcs were very well done and inspiring and I greatly respect the people they've grown into by the end of their respective seasons. But up till today, I can't say that I favor them as characters. I don't dislike them or anything. I just don't love them.

And I'm okay with that.

For Laura, we all knew from the beginning that she was going to be problematic. And even though she's come quite a way since then, her flaws (arrogance, selfishness, the tendency to revert to tsun mode when she's too proud to admit her faults) are still glaringly present. It's only natural that those flaws are going to bother some viewers while also serving as a source of entertainment for others. Nobody can tell you how to feel towards a certain character. But it remains your responsibility to understand them and yourself to the best of your own ability. If you want to try to come around and it works, then that's great. But if you're still bothered by their behavior or actions and such, then that's perfectly fine, too. You have your reasons and you at least took time to find them. That's already more than what a lot of people are willing to try.

Just be smart and honest with yourself, make your peace with it and move on. And we're only at ep 18 so far, not even halfway through the season yet so who knows. Maybe Laura has more story to tell, more development to go through and more changes to undergo before the end. Maybe she doesn't and this is how she's always going to be from now on. Haughty and demanding but deep down, possesses a good heart. But the matter of whether you can accept Laura fully or not after all that's done is still entirely up to you. I won't judge you on your preferences because I wouldn't want someone judging me for favoring Laura either.

Now, regarding the tsundere issue, I'm in a similar boat.

Tsundere are not my cup of tea. I even hated them for a while.

But these days, it really depends on how well the character is written.

This is a trope after all. It should not take up 100% of the character's composition because that would just be terrible writing.

A good tsundere would have their tsun traits support their overall character, adding charm to their personality rather than dominating it and leaving no room for anything else on their profile.

Rin Tohsaka (she's awesome, I love her, omg QUEEN 😍) is one of the prime examples on how a tsundere should be done properly. It gives her such an adorable side to appreciate but doesn't take away from her incredibly complex story and intrigue as an individual.

For Precure, it's a trickier business because like I always say, Toei is very reluctant to move away from the archetypes they heavily rely on every single year.

You have to learn to look past that mold in order to see what makes this character so special, what makes them stand apart from the rest who look and/or act similarly to how they do. You need to really dissect them from head to toe in order to determine if they carry a quality you think you can get hooked onto.

Laura is not the worst tsundere I've come across but she is admittedly not the best either. Again, because it's easy to fall back on common and established patterns and the writers amped up those aspects because it's something every anime fan is already familiar with.

However, that doesn't mean Laura's a low grade tsundere. Her confidence and straightforwardness comes from her pride as a mermaid and desire to become Queen. From that angle, they can be seen as positive traits because it means she's not a pushover and sticks strongly to her beliefs.

But when she talks condescendingly to others, acts all superior because she's a mermaid and then tries to hide behind her pride as mermaid, that's when it's a problem. However, even that you can make some sense of if you put yourself in her shoes fins. She spent the first 10 or so episodes constantly bragging about how great she is and how much better mermaids are than humans. For some as prideful as Laura to take that all back just because she recently shifted lanes after learning that humans aren't so bad, it's actually a lot harder than you think. Frankly, it'd make less sense for her to open up so readily about wanting to become human than it would for her to deny she wants to become human. Learning to be honest takes time.

Also, her forthrightness comes in conflict with her trouble on recognizing that she is not indeed perfect...which is what activates her tsun wall. It's a defense mechanism. She doesn't want others to poke fun at her. It's uncomfortable especially when she can't even face herself yet.

But at least she's doing that less and less, though. The patronizing attitude, that is. She only boasts about being a mermaid now and doesn't put others down just because they're not mermaids like her.

Ep 18 plays up her tsun mostly for laughs as well.

From my perspective, it seems the humiliation she experienced on her first day of school (for overestimating herself and being completely unprepared for human lifestyles) was meant to humble her and deflate her ego after the novelty of school blew it up.

Except that only worked so much to a certain degree and Laura's still rather dishonest about her own feelings (read: embarrassed) that she has to go through such roundabout ways just to convey to her friends that "Yea, I want to be with you guys in the same club, that was my intention all along!"

It's annoying, yes, but also funny, too, to see Laura flounder about on land. 😆 And it's definitely a step forward rather than back so we should take that to mean Laura's still progressing towards becoming a better person than she is now. Hopefully.

But yea, like I said earlier, you make your own calls on your own opinions. And I respect that. 🙂👍

[vincent-g-writer]

The Silver Screen Savant, pt 2- the Meh, the Bad and The yikes.

Hello Writers!

Last time here on Starry Starry Write, I talked a little about Autism in the media and my personal experiences therein. Today, I’d like to go a little broader, and tackle the topic from a macro perspective.

In recent times, you’ve probably heard “Representation Matters” oft repeated. Especially in prominent talking spaces like social media. But what does that mean, exactly?

Why “Representation Matters,” and how.

The short answer:

Diverse representation in media tells us that everyone has a place in the world. That everyone’s story matters.

The long answer:

It’s no secret that we begin engaging with media at a young age. When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, TV and video games were often the babysitters of my peers. I was one of the few kids in my neighborhood whose parents weren’t divorced. The kids I knew? Not so much. Most of them were raised by single parents, grandparents and of course-the boob tube. I personally prefered books, when my mom wasn’t yelling “it’s too nice out to be holed up in that dark bedroom!”

Now, don’t mistake my preference for some kind of intellectual superiority. I watched plenty of TV too. Besides, books aren’t magically out of the equation. Printed material is our oldest form of media. And- often just as problematic. Though I will say- I saw a much broader range of people on covers adoring library shelves than I ever did titles on a TV roster. But, I digress. The point is: for many of us, consuming media begins at an early time of our life. And that’s where the problem starts. Even in my childhood, where The Magic School Bus, Hey Arnold, and Sesame Street showed people of all kinds, I can point to many that did not. Especially not people like me. Which did me a grave disservice. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum for a long time, and when I finally found out, I was horrified, thanks to what I had seen on TV.

Because media is not only a wonderful way to learn about people that don’t look, act or sound like us. It also informs our ideas of who we are, and what we can be. Whether we like it or not: it shapes how we understand the world. And it doesn’t stop with Childhood.

Time Changes Much, but not all.

Things are better now. Well, a little bit, anyway.

As an adult, I see more people like me on the screen nowadays. Which is nice.

Ish.

Why “ish?” Well…

Frequently, these “noticeably different” characters (read: Autistically coded) are branded “NOT AUTISTIC!” You heard it here first, folks! That one character (insert your favorite) is Totally Not Autistic. Despite being written in a way that gives every indication otherwise.

*Facepalm*

Now for some examples, which we’ll call the “Meh,” “The Bad” and the “Yikes.” For “fun,” we’ll also go into the off-air perceptions of the characters.

The “Meh.”

First on the list is Dr. Spencer Reid, from CBS’s “Criminal Minds.”

Dr. Reid is the youngest member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, having joined at the age of 22. He holds three B.A degrees in Sociology, Psychology and Philosophy, as well as three Ph.D’s in Engineering, Chemistry, and Mathematics.

He also has the social skills of a limp dishrag. Wait, what’s that? High Intelligence + Low Social Awareness? Hmmm…Then there’s his restrictive behavioral patterns, obsessive interests, and general “quirkiness!” that we could talk about. But let’s hear a quote from the actor who plays him, Matthew Gray Gubler:

“..an eccentric genius, with hints of schizophrenia and minor autism, Asperger’s Syndrome. Reid is 24, 25 years old with three PH.D.s and one can’t usually achieve that without some form of autism.”

Hoooo-boy. I could go into all the things wrong with this, including why the term “Asperger’s” is both horrific (TW: Eugenics,Ableism, N*zis) and harmful. However, today we’ll simply leave it with the fact that this term is no longer applicable, having been reclassified in 2013 as part of Autism Spectrum disorder.

The “Bad.”

Next up, we have Will Graham, from NBC’s Hannibal.

Like our first example, Will works for the FBI. He’s a gifted criminal profiler with “special” abilities, namely hyper empathy, which allows him to reconstruct the actions and fantasies of the killers he hunts. He’s intellectually gifted, hates eye contact, socializing, and prefers to spend…most of his time…alone.

Oh dear. Haven’t we been here before? But, I mean, he doesn’t have Autism! The show runner says so!

For Will Graham, there’s a line in the pilot about him being on the spectrum of autism or Asperger’s, and he’s neither of those things. He actually has an empathy disorder where he feels way too much and that’s relatable in some way. There’s something about people who connect more to animals than they do to other people because it’s too intense for whatever reason.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m cringing. A lot. This is just…ugh. I mean, for starters, I know a handful of autistic people who struggle with hyper empathy, which can make social situations overwhelming and hard to navigate. In fact, I happen to be one of them. Plus, there’s a cool little thing about how, frequently, people on the spectrum more readily identify with animals. But, y’know. Who am I to say? I’m just someone, one of many, who’s dealt with this my whole life.

Now, onto the “Yikes.”

*sigh*

And finally, we have BBC’s Sherlock, a modern adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s renowned “consulting” detective, and probably the most famous fictional character of all time.

Now, I’ll start by saying that the BBC incarnation is not the first to be Spectrum labeled. In fact, Sherlock was my childhood hero, and the first “person” I saw referred to this way. My aunt, an avid reader herself, casually remarked to a friend “I’ve always wondered if Holmes is Autistic,” after I came yammering on about how fantastic the books were. Had I not been champing at the bit to get back to my reading, I might have asked her what that meant.

I also believe this fandom driven speculation is why many detective type characters (see above) are often coded as Autistic, intentionally or otherwise.

In this New York Times article, Lisa Sanders, M.D. describes Holmes traits:

He appears oblivious to the rhythms and courtesies of normal social intercourse — he doesn’t converse so much as lecture. His interests and knowledge are deep but narrow. He is strangely “coldblooded,” and perhaps as a consequence, he is also alone in the world.

Now, before we go any father, let me take a moment to defend his creator. During the time Sir Arthur Conan Doyle first created his most famous work, Autism was not known. That isn’t to say it didn’t exist. We’ve always existed. In fact, it’s now believed that the Changeling Myth, a common European folk story, was a way to explain Autism. In one telling (there are a few) children displaying “intelligence beyond their years” and “uncanny knowledge” were imposters, traded out by Fae creatures for offspring of their own. Children believed to be “Changlings,” regretfully, often came to a bad end. A chilling reminder that the stories we tell impact our real lives.

So while Autism was at least somewhat recognized, it did not become its own official diagnosis until 1943.

Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes was first published in 1892. Now, as a writer who often draws from my personal reality, I imagine Doyle probably “wrote what he knew,” which is to say, acquainted with one or more Autistic people, he used them as inspiration.

On the other hand…

BBC’s Sherlock first aired in 2010. And while one might argue that the writers simply capitalized on the Autistic fan-theory, or took already available traits and exaggerated them for their version… they left a lot to be desired. Autism aside, this new Sherlock is…well…an asshole. Narcissistic, abusive and egocentric (to name a few) he sweeps his caustic behavior under the rug of “high functioning sociopath,” and blytly ignores the consequences.

Which is a major problem. Because while doing this, he’s still “obviously” (at least in the Hollywood sense) Autistic. In my previous post, where I said some characters are “too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy,” this is what I meant.

This is bad. We’re looping right back to Representation Matters. Bad representation, and the navigating of such, is just as important for writers to think about as good representation. Maybe even moreso. Because bad representation paints real people into cardboard, stereotyped people-shaped things. It otherizes. And it’s harmful. You would not believe the people I’ve met assume I’m not Autistic because I’m not an egotistical jerk. Why? Because they watched, you guessed it, BBC Sherlock.

Confession time:

Now here’s my little secret:

I love all of these characters. They are some of my favorite on tv. Why? Because for good or ill, I recognize myself in them. Finally, I can turn on the TV, and see myself. Or, somewhat, anyway.

My favorite character out of this list? Loath though I am to admit it… Is Sherlock. See, what those well meaning folks didn’t know (the ones who say I’m I’m “too nice,” to be Autistic) is… well, if we’re being honest, I wasn’t always nice. A few years ago, I was that guy. I was a jerk because I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Which is really not a good look. In fact, sitting down and watching the first season of sherlock, (around three or four years after it came out) made me realize how much of a jerk I actually was.

There are other things there too. Things that tie me to all these characters, that I didn’t list. But that’s for another today.

For now, I’d like to add a caveat or two:

1) I’ve watched all the shows listed above, and adore them. As I mentioned, Sherlock is my favorite. He’s also the one I’ve watched the most (Repeatedly, in fact. Whoops.) and I recognize it’s not all bad. In the end, he learned to treat people better (somewhat) and certainly became more human over time. And, there are other deeply problematic elements of the show I’d like to tackle, eventually.

*cough* Queerbating! *cough*

2) I’m well aware that the above cases are all thin, white, able bodied, “straight” males. But I chose these characters for a couple of reasons. One, they’re the most prominent type on TV. Again, we loop back around to representation, and why we need more positive, diverse examples of it.

And finally-

3) In my last post, I mentioned I’d give some “good” instances of Hollywood Autism trope. But I didn’t exactly do that. Partially, because half way through, I thought…perhaps…I’m not the best to judge what might be a good Autistic character. I mean, I’m sure someone will read this and think my current aforementioned characters are fine. Heck! They might even argue my perception here, and say the characters are just fine. I accept that. In my life, both on and off the page, I recognize that I cannot, should not (and don’t want to) speak for an entire community.

Because of this, I cannot tell you how to write a “good” Autistic character, or what media is “acceptable.” I can’t even really tell you what a bad character is. Sure, I have a lot of opinions about it. But- if you’re on the spectrum and like and identify with the above? That’s fine. I mean, even with all the problems I noted (and some I didn’t) I certainly do.

On the other hand, if you’re a writer, and you want to write a character from this (or any, for that matter) community you aren’t part of, I caution you.

Do your research. Preferably from multiple credible sources.

Talk to people on the spectrum about what it’s really like. (Though try to steer clear of asking for emotional labor.You could, say, hop on reddit and ask the community there, for instance, which is a no pressure way to obtain potentially decent info.)

Finally, whatever you do, remember this-

Autistic people can look like anyone. We can act, and think and be different, like anyone. We are real, living, breathing people. Not robots, not sob stories, not tropes. People. So if you write about us, write us like people. And your work will be all the better for it.

-Your Loving Vincent

[whitegirlrevert]

Are reverts adequately supported by other muslims?

Recently, a sister reached out to me and asked whether reverts receive adequate support from other muslims. No. No, we don’t. I am a member of a muslim women’s convert group on Facebook and we often have discussions about how reverts are treated in the ummah.

Here are a few of the characterizations:

The unicorn

I’m going to speak about my personal experience as a white revert. There aren’t many countries with significant white Muslim populations (although they do exist) which adds to the rarity factor.

We are seen as the ultra-pious ones. Bonus points if you have blue eyes. It becomes a fetishization in Muslim communities to be white and Muslim. After every Eid prayer I get a couple marriage proposals from men who know nothing about me other than how I look. The fetishization of white male reverts is also prominent (see ft note) but, in contrast to their female counterparts, this can actually make it harder for them to find a spouse.

Tourage, Mahdi, Performing belief and reviving Islam: Prominent (white male) converts in Muslim revival conventions, 2012, vol 1:2 at 207-226 Intellect Ltd.

One to take advantage of

There are countless stories of religious leaders taking advantage of reverts, particularly female ones. This is both grotesque and unacceptable. What’s even more disgusting is that we as a community prefer to unconditionally support these “religious leaders” rather than believe the victims. This is aggravated by the low support that reverts receive from other Muslims. Imagine finally working up the courage to out a religious leader only to be shut down because the alleged perpetrator is part of the establishment. The amount of support for these men – using Islamic themes to give them the benefit of the doubt – is truly discouraging. Islam teaches us to stand with the oppressed not the oppressor.

What does being a woman or being a white woman have to do with her experience of sexual assault being invalidated. Does this mirror existing cultural stereotypes of white woman = slut? How can we pretend that this doesn’t have a negative impact on our later treatment in these conservative circles? This is not to say that women of color don’t experience sexual assault, they certainly do.

Religious leaders hold all the religious knowledge and these sisters feel compelled to stick close to them to gain this knowledge. We need to provide safe spaces for reverts as well as sources for sisters to seek knowledge themselves.

We don’t know anything about Islam

I’ll keep this short. There is a huge difference between communicating information and haram policing. The line between them, however, is not clear.

This becomes especially problematic when you follow a particular madhaab or were taught Islamic practice through culture. Why? Because there may be perfectly legitimate alternative views and interpretations on the issue.

This makes it both confusing for new Muslims and alienates those who disagree with your practice but are made to feel that if they don’t follow your tradition, that they aren’t being a good muslim.

Instead, consider informing them about your view by clarifying that it is from your perception.

No reply to our salaams

A common theme running in discussions with other reverts is that whenever we say our salaams to Muslims we don’t get a reply. It’s like saying hello in a respectful, acknowledging way. Do we not deserve that from you?

Normally, when I bring this up people tell me not to worry and remind me that it is a Muslim’s duty to reply and some version of getting the passerby’s potential blessing in addition to mine. I don’t care. This doesn’t make us feel better.

Some people have hypothesized that these Muslims who don’t reply are simply in shock at hearing a white person say salaam (particularly if, like me, they don’t wear hijab). Others say that they weren’t sure if they misheard me. Regardless of the reasoning, I think the fact that most reverts don’t get a reply is troubling. EVEN if we weren’t Muslim why wouldn’t you reply…? If a non-Muslim is saying salaam to you then they are obviously trying hard to communicate their respect to you. Why would you respond by ignoring this?

One sister from the revert group mentioned that men make excuses about not saying salaam back because they are trying to avoid zina…Ugh. First of all, not supported by hadith. Second, surely you can keep it in your pants for long enough to say the equivalent of hello back. Or are muslim men inherently more fragile than other men? I think not. You can also say salaam back while lowering your gaze. It’s really not that difficult.

Non-Muslims treat us better than other Muslims 

I plan to have a full post on this at some point in the future. This is a bit difficult to explain as I have only recently recognized this irony. Basically, the way I figured this out is that prior to telling a non-muslim about my religious orientation I would preface it by saying, “this is going to be really weird but…” The thing is, they never looked shocked or surprised when I told them. Contrast this to my experience with muslims, and it usually takes them a few minutes and multiple questions to confirm that yes, I am in fact muslim. And you could say it’s the lack  of scarf thing, but honestly if non-muslims can accept that there are muslims who don’t wear hijab than so can you.

It’s really ironic considering that prior to conversion every muslim is all like welcoming and whatnot and then when you convert you almost feel like you need to prove that you are muslim.

I am going to give an example of something that happened to me while I was shopping in a muslim area of Singapore.

I stopped at a shop and asked about this smaller prayer rugs. I told the shop keeper that I am looking for a smaller rug to put my forehead and face on during salah when I am at the masjid for a long time. Literally no idea.

Next store over, I asked this shop keeper about a prayer rug. He, in his sales pitch endeavors said “you can give it to your friend, you can use it yourself”. So I’m thinking, great, this is off to a good start. I continue asking about this rug and am repeatedly using the word salah. He then says, “do you know any muslims?” I replied, “yes, myself”. Then (note the pattern) he says, “you are muslim?!” with a shocked expression.

 To summarize, here are some things Muslims could be doing better to support us. 

Say your salaams back to us.

Believe us when we tell you that a community religious leader has assaulted us.

Stop forcing your particular madhab down our throat.

Don’t assume we know less than you about Islam.

Don’t assume that we are going to whip on a hijab, now or at any point. Focus instead on teaching us how to pray and what to do at a mosque.

Do not tell us that you are making duah for our family to become muslim. I’m not sure how people think this is a great thing, but I personally find it incredibly offensive.

Don’t be mad if we can’t attend Islamic events. Sometimes we are busy, and sometimes we are just dealing with a bit of trauama from negative experiences from the muslim community. We appreciate the invite regardless.

Positive things Muslims do. 

Invite us for iftar, Eid, other Islamic events.

Encourage us by being supportive regardless of whether we share the same views as you islamicly.

Empathize with our challenges.

Motivate us by sending us duahs or ayat.

Make duah for us and our families to have ease.

Instead of saying “In Islam X is forbidden”, try: “most people agree that in Islam X is forbidden”. An excellent example of how this may play out is where a Muslim has an assumption that all reverts will follow the Sunni school and that only the Sunni school is legitimate. This isn’t a Sunni/Shi’a debate, but the very fact that there are conflicting opinions indicates that diversity of opinions exists.

[belonglab]

Gaslighting: A Tool of Oppression and Exclusion

by Alisha Patel, Communications & Research Fellow at GenLead|BelongLab

February 2, 2021

“I don’t see color.” This is one of the most common phrases people will use to defend themselves against accusations of racism. It isn’t the best, but at least it’s not explicitly racist, right? In a culture where calling out institutional and systemic racism feels like an ongoing battle that’s fought tiny steps at a time, that phrase feels like an adequate place to start. However, this phrase is actually a form of racial gaslighting, and its acceptance only perpetuates stereotypes and the racism we are trying to fight.

Gaslighting in general is a form of manipulation and psychological abuse where the perpetrator convinces the victim that they are imagining or overreacting to abuse. Over time, this can solidify the perpetrator’s position of power over the victim, turning it into an ongoing cycle of abuse. The effects of gaslighting are extensive-- the victim will start to second guess themselves and their judgments. While this form of manipulation is often talked about with regard to personal relationships, it can additionally be used to to cloak bigotry like racism.

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighting often is used to excuse microaggressions in all forms. It can invalidate someone’s experience of perceived racism by subtly denying their feelings and emotions, excusing implicit comments meant to demean or discredit them, or even excusing explicit attacks on them. Its effects are grave; it subtly reinforces and sustains racial and social hierarchies that inevitably hurt minority groups. Not only does racial gaslighting allow stereotypes to continue, but it also degrades the victim’s sense of self and teaches them to invalidate their own instincts and judgments.

For example, imagine if someone had experienced racism in the workplace and attempted to tell a fellow coworker about the incident; instead of empathizing, the coworker reassured the victim “it couldn’t possibly be racism,” “it is all in your head,” or “you’re too sensitive.” Statements like this place the perpetrator in a position of power and control under the guise of morality, while undermining the victim’s experience as lesser-than. In turn, the victim can develop feelings of anxiety and depression as they start believing they cannot trust themselves and cannot express their emotions outwardly. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Roberta Babb, racial gaslighting also, “overtly and covertly erodes a person’s sense of self, self-worth, agency and confidence.” Thus, racial gaslighting feeds internalized oppression and Imposter Syndrome.

Racial gaslighting is so common that it is sometimes difficult to tell when it is happening, and it can even be unconscious or unintentional. Normalized phrases like “I don’t see color” seem to mean well at first glance, but in actuality serve to invalidate the struggles of a minority group while erasing the group’s lived history. It tells the listener, quite unequivocally, “I am not racist. What you are perceiving as racism on my part cannot possibly be racism.” Phrases like these are un-nuanced and oversimplified takes that may have been accepted in the past, but as we learn more about deep and entrenched racism, we see they are outdated, insensitive, and quite frankly, racist.

This type of manipulation often is used by mainstream media and people in power, ingraining its use in our culture and further highlighting the power dynamics underpinning racial gaslighting. Think of Donald Trump and his response to protest movements through the past year: On one hand, he refused to condemn Neo-Nazi protestors, saying there were “fine people on both sides.” But he mischaracterized Black Lives Matter protests calling for an end to police brutality as thugs and threatened them with the National Guard, warning “when the looting starts, the shooting starts.” He then mischaracterized the white supremacist, violent insurrection he incited on January 6th as a march, declaring his love for the insurrectionists. According to Trump, white supremacists are allowed the benefit of the doubt and could possibly be good people at heart. Yet, those in support of black lives are automatically dangerous and should be perceived as a threat. With these statements, Donald Trump at once validates the platform of white supremacists while invalidating black lives in the United States and negating the idea that racism is a problem; he normalizes the presence of white supremacy while revealing the inability of the country to acknowledge its inherent racism and bigotry. Anyone witnessing photos and images of how the BLM protesters were treated versus how the white supremacist insurrectionists were treated at our Capitol can see that racial gaslighting has deeply permeated our country systemically and is a problem that outlives the Trump presidency.

Gender Gaslighting

Also problematic is gender gaslighting, where a woman may not feel comfortable voicing concerns about sexism because her concerns are automatically dismissed. Consider a woman -- let’s call her Jana -- who has been working for a company for many years and is very qualified for a promotion. Yet every time Jana expects to be promoted, a man is given the promotion instead, even though he has had less time at the company and is not as qualified. Jana may attempt to discuss this with her boss, but he insists it has nothing to do with her gender; he tells her she is overanalyzing the situation and being over-sensitive. While it is possible that Jana’s boss could be telling the truth, it is more likely that her gender is in fact playing a role in not receiving a promotion, as this pattern has repeated multiple times. However, Jana has learned that she does not have a space to speak up about this sexism, will likely be negatively judged for speaking up and thus have an even harder time getting that promotion, and therefore most likely will not attempt to speak up again. This is the same situation that is seen with racial gaslighting-- the cycle will continue for Jana, and her emotions may inevitably turn inwards, convincing her that she is not qualified for any promotion and deserves to be limited to her current level.

COVID-19 Gaslighting

We even see gaslighting around COVID-19. As a college student at a very urban university, the pandemic has shaken up every single aspect of college life. Though my school has adjusted as best as possible (we are tested twice a week and receive our results within 24 hours; most classes are online and if they aren’t, there are usually less than five people in-person, all socially-distanced; so on and so forth), interacting with other students and people my age really reveals the mindset around the pandemic.

As the pandemic has raged on, it feels as though people have accepted its presence, or stopped caring altogether. It’s a stark difference from the first lockdown in March, where it felt (at least for the most part) that everyone was on the same page. But now, instead of staying inside and mitigating the impacts of the pandemic, it feels as though it’s now a matter of working around the pandemic to do things we used to do. Those who are still staying inside have become more of the minority than the majority, and are sometimes gaslighted to feel overly paranoid for continuing to take the pandemic seriously. This gaslighting is clearly very harmful to society as a whole, as it simultaneously perpetuates coronavirus while undermining common sense and the empathy to care about the collective nation.

COVID gaslighting can exist on a small interpersonal level. Consider a situation where two friends want to get together, but one is insisting on following social distancing regulations while the other is suggesting to abandon them altogether. The one wanting to abandon social distancing may claim that they have both been isolating themselves since the beginning of the pandemic, and it is unlikely that they could infect each other. They may go on to call their friend overly paranoid of the virus and accuse them of not wanting to get together. Though this is not actually the case, the friend who was attempting to follow COVID regulations is made to be the villain, which is a common gaslighting mechanism.

Even worse, COVID gaslighting has been perpetuated by some people in power, who can afford to preach a careless and selfish mentality around COVID-19 because, even when they contract the virus, they have the money, power, and resources to combat it. Meanwhile, they continue to manipulate the American public into believing that COVID is not something to be taken seriously.Their followers adopt the same invincible mindset, but it is clear that they -- and most other average Americans -- are not in the same situation and do not have the same money and resources to combat COVID if needed. The situation is even worse for identity groups that have been historically oppressed.

Many Black and brown communities are disproportionately affected by COVID-19: African-Americans deaths are two times higher than would be expected for their population, and it is the same for Hispanics and Latinos. On the other hand, white deaths from COVID are “lower than their share of the population in 37 states.” These disparities result from institutionalized and systemic racism (fed by racial gaslighting) that has been snowballing since our country’s inception.

Combatting Racism by Contending with Gaslighting

It is in no way, shape, or form the victim’s responsibility to attempt to change their gaslighter’s behavior. Instead, it is important for us to create safe spaces for these victims to be heard and validated. Thus, putting a stop to gaslighting begins by looking inwardly at our own behavior and preconceived biases; particularly, if you find yourself recognizing some of the behaviors symptomatic of gaslighting, it may be wise to engage in self-introspection and attempt to accept some responsibility. Though some gaslighting may be done unintentionally or what you believed to be well-meaning, it clearly is still harmful and must be mitigated. To confront the biases that may underlie your possible gaslighting of others, you can also take this online test that examines and assesses internal biases that you may not have even noticed (it takes about 10-15 minutes). Attempt to challenge these internal biases, and pay attention to how they affect your interactions with others.

Additionally, be prepared and open to truly listen to and learn from other people and their experiences, and focus on increasing your awareness of others’ circumstances. These steps can begin the process of acknowledging gaslighter responsibility. By first starting on a personal scale, we can expand this introspection to a larger scale and begin holding the racist systems in our country accountable.

If you find yourself a victim of gaslighting, it is important to safeguard your mental health. This can be done by taking a step back from the situation and removing yourself from the environment to consider the hurtful behavior and resulting emotions. You can write down your thoughts to affirm your judgement as valid and for reference if necessary. It also can be helpful to talk with other members of your identity group and share experiences like this. Affirmation from others with similar circumstances can validate your experience of harmful gaslighting and remind you that you are not alone. This can help you to trust yourself more as well as recognize the gaslighting as it is happening.

In the moment gaslighting is occurring, it is important to call out the behavior publicly (when possible and safe to do so), showing the perpetrator and others in proximity that the behavior is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Further (again, to the extent safe and not harmful), you can talk one-on-one with the perpetrator to discuss the behavior, making sure to describe the behavior and why it is harmful. Setting boundaries (e.g., taking a step back, removing yourself from the situation, as described above) will help to loosen any grip the negative environment or perpetrator may have on you.

As an ally, it is important to help support victims of racial gaslighting by helping to call out the unacceptable behavior, as well as creating a safe space for victims to express themselves and be heard and respected. Make sure that what you are doing is not self-indulgent or performative, but rather is truly helpful to the victim and in their self interest.

Combatting racism in a present day context is not an easy task -- it is extremely complicated and has far-reaching and entrenched roots in the United States. That said, the task should begin with dismantling the practices that perpetuate racism on interpersonal and societal scales. By recognizing racial gaslighting, it is possible to disrupt stereotypes and racial hierarchies, while also offering the historically oppressed, excluded, and marginalized a safe space to speak and be heard, which uncloaks hard truths from underneath imposed false narratives. Those who insist they don’t see color are not seeing people of color and their lived experiences.

Without seeing the hard truths, we are unable to address them.

[woeismyhoe]

No, your previous anon is correct. Abuse is a complex thing and it's very dangerous to act as though every abuser is some kind of inhuman monster who abuses people for fun. Abuse is a pattern of mistreatment and harm. But abusers have a variety of motivations. Some abusers do have anger issues, some never learned how to have healthy relationships, some have attachment or control issues, some do need help and therapy. But it's all still abuse, and acting otherwise is very dangerous to victims.

How is stating that abusers are dangerous........ make that dangerous? Like literally, how? No, I’m sorry but I seriously can’t believe you guys are saying this. How on earth are you seriously saying this right now?? Defending abusers are almost equivalent to defending murderers and rapists. I’m not even kidding. The only thing that sets abusers apart from those two is that they do everything mentally instead of physically.

My whole responses to the two anons have been literally pointing out that abusers are dangerous and shipping them with their victims and humanizing them IS dangerous to real life victims. If all of you keep saying that Azula IS abusive, then omfg why are you supporting an abusive character? Seriously, WHY?

An abuser prides themself on MANIPULATION. They do NOT abuse EVERYONE. Every abuser IS a monster. THAT IS THE POINT. And to downplay that, even remotely imply that abusers can change— is extremely damaging to their victims and problematic af. That is how abusers manipulate their victims, by downplaying their victim’s memory about it and playing it off as them being dramatic or playing the victim and claiming that their victims just don’t ‘understand’ AKA gaslighting their victims.

There’s a reason why abuse survivors are called survivors. And that’s because more often than not, abuse victims have lost their lives at the hands of their abusers whether literally or mentally.

YES, abuse is a complex thing, the long ass paragraphs should have been proof of that. They’re complex because everything they do is through mental and emotional attacks so it’s harder to recognize, and then afterward they’ll act all sweet and nice to make it up to you to make you believe they’re truly sorry for what they did. Their process is complex, but recognizing isn’t supposed to be, but that blame falls on so society who normalize abuse and think that just ‘therapy’ will eventually work things out. That’s not how abuse works. A person who loves you won’t ever endanger you or make you feel like shit.

Do NOT justify an abuser’s actions. Do NOT try to make sense of what they’re doing and think they’ll change because you think they will once you confront them about this. They literally don’t, and they never do. An abuser is different from someone with anger management issues. How do I know? If your abuser doesn’t act that way to his friends or coworkers or boss, then they’re definitely abusive. Like I said, abusers have full control of themselves. It’s their perception on love that’s twisted and warped. What you’re doing is generalizing every jerkwad that have issues that are normally treated during sessions to be abusive, which that by itself, is dangerous. Ignorance is common, hence the jerks in the world. Abuse is something that requires manipulation and a whole lot of calculation. The fundamental difference between an abusive person and just an asshole, is that the asshole doesn’t bother to hide their assholeness while an abusive person will do it in secret and cover their abuse up constantly.

[takadasaiko]

One Hundred and Eighty Days (a Veronica Mars one shot)

FFN II AO3

Summary: Logan returns from his six month tour in the Persian Gulf. Part of my Spanning Years. Continents. series.

One Hundred and Eighty Days

Six months.

One hundred and eighty days.

It had seemed doable, especially following the nine years of silence that had spread between them after she'd left for Stanford. It wasn't like Veronica didn't have plenty to focus on with her father's recovery and getting back into the swing of the PI business. It helped to have her friends by her side rather than across the country, and the ability to - at least on occasion - Skype with Logan while he was away. She never would have anticipated that one hundred and eighty days could feel so fucking long.

She hadn't been sure she could meet his ship as it came into port. Forty-eight hours before she was knee-deep in a new case and twenty-four hours before she was neck-deep into it. Logan had told her not to worry about it. She'd be there or she wouldn't, but he wouldn't hold it against her if the case wouldn't give her a chance to get away. He knew how hard she was working. That carefully cool voice of his over their last Skype call rang in her mind and drove her crazy. So crazy that three hours before he was due in - up to her eyeballs in the case - both her father and Mac had demanded that she drive down to San Diego. He'd left his car with her anyway, right? Right. She should go pick him up.

Veronica made record time down to the Naval base where he would be docking and was shuffled through each checkpoint. Every time she expected to hit a snag, her name appeared on all the right lists. Logan may have said that it wasn't a big deal if she couldn't make it, but he'd clearly made sure she had a straight path in if she chose to show.

The docks were busy with husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. New mothers pointed at the ship to their babies like they had any clue that that's where their dads had been for the entirety of their short lives. Veronica weaved in and out of the crowd, watching and listening and observing. Conversations about how long they'd been gone, about information sent home, about plans once they disembarked. Everybody was excited, which left Veronica - as she often was - the odd one out. She should be excited, she knew, but really she was just left with a tremendous amount of anxiety.

It wasn't that she wasn't excited to see Logan again, but she was equal parts terrified. As long as he was gone they were both looking forward to his homecoming. It gave them a goal, a north star to focus on. Now that his ship was docked and it looked like they'd start letting the officers off soon, Veronica couldn't push down the overwhelming fear that they'd fall back into old patterns. Chaos came to their door, they gave into the magnetic pull that felt so right in the moment, but it inevitably turned bitter as one or both of them did something to spoil it. There'd been so much pain in their past that sometimes she wondered if either of them were capable of healthy relationships. Logan, at least, seemed to be trying in a lot of ways, but it was easy in the short sprint of time that was her arrival back in Neptune to help him choose a lawyer and him shipping out. Now that they were both going to be in the same town, she knew it could make or break them, and after everything she wasn't sure she could take another break.

This was where she usually ran. Distanced herself and fled for the hills.

But here she was. Waiting for him.

She hoped it wasn't going to crush her.

Cheers sounded from the crowd and Veronica looked to where sailors were disembarking in their snazzy white uniforms. She waited and watched from her place where she could actually see - at least at a distance - who was leaving the ship, and finally spotted a familiar figure. Her heart leapt in her chest and her feet were moving before she gave them permission to. "Excuse me. Yeah. Sorry." She pushed her way through the crowd in the general trajectory of where she'd seen Logan making his way down and finally broke through the other side to find no familiar faces.

She'd missed him. He must have already gone…. wherever they went when they got home.

"Veronica?"

Veronica turned, recognizing the voice instantly above the rumble of the rest. Logan stood with the same bag he'd had slung over his shoulder the day he'd left, his hat perched on his head, and his thin lips slowly stretching out into a smile. "You made it."

She echoed his smile and then some as she launched forward and heard the sound of his laugh - full, not the amused chuckle she so often got over Skype - in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her. Her legs went around his middle and she felt him spin her around, kissing the side of her head because it was the only part of her he could reach.

He shifted her just a little so that she could lean into a real kiss, her lips melting against his and she felt him set her down carefully, deeping it. His hands rested on either side of her face and one of hers reached around to the back of his neck. He wasn't getting away until she let him, and that wasn't going to be anytime soon.

"Echolls, that her?" someone shouted off to the side and Logan reluctantly broke the kiss. He was still grinning and the other man that was wearing the same wings on his uniform that Logan sported gave him a mock salute and a wink, even as a woman slugged him in the shoulder, laughing.

Logan turned his attention back to her. "You got some time?"

"For you, I can make it," she answered.

Somehow his grin grew and he pecked a kiss to the tip of her nose. "Let's get home."

                                                   ---------

Home was a relative term. Logan had been living out of a small, studio-styled guesthouse off of Dick's main house on the beach before he'd shipped out. While Dick had another high school buddy - was there any other kind for Dick Casablancas? - moving in soon, he wasn't there yet and Logan still had run of it for at least his first few days back. If he needed to find a new place was a problem for another day. That night, he was home, Veronica was going to take full advantage of the fact that they had privacy there that they never would have gotten at her father's place. She really hoped one of those apartments she'd been looking at came available soon. This was going to be problematic if they had no place to go other than her dad's place.

Logan's kisses were as desperate as her own as he carried her into the little apartment, his bag forgotten in the car parked outside and she was already tugging his uniform off. It was a blur of motion as they moved towards the bed that she hoped had been made up since the last time she'd been in it. They fell back and Veronica reveled in the fact that he was there with her and that he wouldn't have to leave first thing in the morning.

Some time later she was still reminding herself of that fact as they both lay back, pillows thrown from their place and neither of them wearing anything that they had been before. They were wrapped up in the sheets and she was curled up against him. She ran a bare foot up his leg and his fingers sent chills up her spine as they moved up her back, his touch light and delicate like he was savouring it.

This wasn't their first time back together after nine years apart, but it was the first time where they didn't have something looming over them. If it wasn't a false murder charge and her father in the hospital, it had been his orders to ship out as soon as everything was cleared. Now, back on shore-duty, they had some time. Time that left them lounging in bed, her hands traveling over exposed skin, and Veronica couldn't ignore the scars that she knew hadn't been there years before.

Logan caught her hand as it lingered against one just below his ribs, maybe two inches long, and pulled her fingers up to press a gentle kiss to them. He didn't say anything, but she caught his gaze and held it. "Am I allowed to ask?"

A rough chuckle left him. "You're Veronica Mars. I didn't realize you needed permission to ask anything."

Her fingers curled around his and she pressed herself up on her elbow so that she was looking down at him. His expression was soft. He wasn't going to volunteer anything, but he also wasn't telling her not to ask. He was just waiting on her.

"Where'd you get the scar, Logan?"

He pushed a long breath out from his nose. "About four years ago we were flying over… an undisclosed location -" he offered her an apologetic smile and she nodded the small acceptance - "and we came under fire. Shit happened, we had a hard landing, I took some shrapnel."

"Holy shit," she breathed, her fingers moving back to the scar that stood out against his skin.

"Yeah, wasn't fun, but I bounced back."

"Wallace always said you had nine lives."

His lips tugged outward at that. "I should probably check in on how many I have left."

"What…. happens?" she asked carefully, not sure exactly how she should phrase the question. "When you're on deployment and you get hurt, I mean."

He leaned back a little deeper into his pillow, loosing another breath. He wasn't comfortable with talking about this, that much was clear, but if she were to make a bet on it he wasn't used to it. Logan had never been one to volunteer certain things about his life. If people didn't push, he wouldn't say anything. She'd always been one to push. No stopping it now. If they were going in on this, they were going all in.

"When you enlist you have to give them a next of kin. I mean, technically, mine is Trina, I guess? Hell if I was gonna list her though."

Veronica snorted softly, her fingers moving across his torso to lightly scrap his ribs. She felt him tense at that, but certainly not in a bad way. "So who'd you list?"

Logan grimaced at the question. "Dick."

"Casablancas?" she choked out.

He shrugged. "Listen, I know Dick's an… acquired taste, sometimes, but he's loyal. More loyal than most of the people in my life." He sighed and Veronica felt him tighten his hold on her just a little. "People around me leave in one way or the other. Lilly died, my mom died, Duncan left… I'm not blaming anybody, just…. the way it is. Dick can be an asshole, but if I ever need him he's there."

She lay there for a long moment, her fingers still tracing up and down his side and she let his words soak in. If he had died overseas in these last six months - hell, if he'd been injured - she would have been at the mercy of Dick Casablancas to get her the news. Loyal he might be - at least to Logan - but that wasn't acceptable. Not in the longterm, and she wanted this to be longterm.

"Can you change it?"

"Change what?"

"The person who… I don't know. Gets that call?" Again, she felt like she was floundering for the right terminology. As she'd filtered through the crowd on the docks earlier that day it'd felt like people had been speaking a different language. She hadn't known what the acronyms meant or how to decipher what was being said. It was fine. It had all been in passing. But it wasn't, not really. Not if she was honest about wanting Logan in her life.

"Sure," he answered. "I'd just have to update my file."

"Then do it."

He huffed a small laugh. "Do what?"

"Change it. To me."

He tensed at that, catching her gaze. "Veronica….You'd be listed as my next of kin," he said slowly, as if somehow he thought she didn't understand that.

"I know."

"And you're good with that?"

"Are you?"

His lips twitched upward. "I am, but you..." He sighed. "What if the call comes in the middle of a case? What if you should have your focus on something else and you -"

Veronica leaned down, cutting the words off with a kiss. She felt his hands travel up her sides and pull her deeper into it. "I want you," she breathed out, her lips still dangerously close to his. "And I want you to know when you're out there that you have me to face if you let them hurt you."

Logan chuckled at that, leaning up to steal another kiss. "I love you. I never stopped."

"Me neither," she admitted softly. "I wanted to, but…. I think it was pretty obvious when you called after nine years and I flew cross country."

"I didn't know if you would."

"Yeah you did, you asshole," she laughed, kissing him again. "You knew it."

"I hoped." He shifted, easing her around so that she was on her back and he leaned over her. "You really want me to make the change?"

"I do."

"It's a big step. I know it doesn't sound like it, but -"

"Logan," she breathed, "I'm not going anywhere. Not this time. You and me, we're epic."

He grinned and leaned into the kiss. "Years and continents," he whispered.

"Bloodshed," she answered back and he laughed.

"You do love the bloodshed."

"Because anyone that comes after you -" her fingers danced across the four-year-old scar - "they have to come up against me too."

"And this is how we win the War on Terror," he chuckled as his kisses moved down to her jaw line and her neck.

Veronica wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in closer. This was it. One hundred and eighty days or nine years, it didn't matter. They always came back to each other. This time, though, she was determined that they would stay. She was his family now.

                                                  ---------

Notes:

I actually started on another fic and then this one just sort of tumbled into place as a compilation of a couple of different ideas that ended up fitting together very well. I love the idea of Veronica being listed as his next of kin if anything were to happen and that being a way that she's choosing to support him when she can't physically have his back.

I do feel like I should mention that I am not a member of the Navy, nor are any living members of my family, so there's a better than even chance I'll get a detail or ten wrong along the way, though from what I've heard canon does as well so there's that. :P