#but I can recognize a pattern and the pattern is all my 'problematic' friends and myself got rejected

[discoursecatharsis]

I've noticed this pattern with antis in fandom where, in their attempt to distance themselves from anything and everything "problematic" in their fandoms, they refuse to acknowledge when they DO enjoy something problematic. Therefore, they don't recognize the problematic elements of the ship, character, media, etc. They'll also heavily downplay or deny any problematic. aspects of their favorite fandom thing.

I just saw an example of this and it is blowing my mind right now and I need to share this with y'all.

It involves the comments on this video.

Some context for Princess and the Frog: the blonde girl is Charlotte, also called Lottie. She's the main character Tiana's best friend. Charlotte's goal was always to marry a prince, and she almost marries (who she believes to be) Prince Naveen, but once she sees that Naveen and Tiana are in love, she tries to help them turn back human so they can be together.

At the end of the movie, Tiana and Naveen get married, and this scene plays after. Charlotte dances with Naveen's kid brother, and says "I've waited this long" in response to him saying that he's 6 and a half years old.

Now Charlotte's line here, if you look at the context clues of her story line, implies that she's saying "I've waited this long for a prince to marry, so I can wait longer for Naveen's younger brother to grow up." It's just a joke. Albeit, a joke that many will find to be very uncomfortable and inappropriate, but a joke nonetheless. I highly doubt Charlotte is actually going to "wait for" this child to grow up to marry him. She's making a joke at her expense, about her desperation of her dream to marry a prince.

BUT FOR SOME REASON.... many of the comments are like "she means that she's been waiting to DANCE with a prince."

I'm completely and utterly serious y'all. Here are some of the comments along those lines, with thousands of thumbs up each.

If you've seen this movie, you'll realize that these comments make absolutely no sense for more than one reason.

1) Charlotte danced with Prince Naveen (or at least with the villain disguised as him) earlier in the movie. She danced with a prince already. Why would that still be her dream if she already accomplished that?

2) Lottie speaks multiple times (during her childhood and in present day as a young adult) about her dream of "marrying a prince." Not dancing with a prince. Not meeting one. No, she wants to MARRY A PRINCE AND BE A PRINCESS.

This video has some clips of her saying this, at the time stamps 0:20, 2:52, 4:08, and 5:21.

Charlotte does give up her dream of marrying Naveen specifically for Tiana, because she see that he makes Tiana happy. But with how she jumps in like a wide receiver to catch the bouquet at Naveen and Tiana's wedding, it's clear she still has her dream of marrying *A* prince, just not Naveen.

But back to the comments on that video.

The comments seem to be downplaying the actual implication of her line. It's almost like they're desperately trying to ignore what she actually meant and make it more wholesome because they don't want to admit that their favorite movie has an uncomfy and inappropriate joke.

It's disturbing that this is yet another example where people in fandom (who are fantis or have been influenced by that fanti mindset) are downplaying a scene (or a ship, trope, etc) that is ACTUALLY problematic because they personally like the movie or the character and they don't want to admit that it has some issues. Instead of just admitting "yeah that scene/line was kinda fucked up and gross," they are jumping through HOOPS to make it seem more innocent than it was. And this is completely blowing my mind and is honestly concerning.

If you want to personally interpret it in a different way, in a way to make it more palatable to you, be my guest. That's what fandom and fanon is all about and I do that a lot too. But to see so many people outright deny the actual implications of this line is... bizarre af. It's one thing to be like "hmm yeah I don't like that, so I'm going to personally interpret this ship/trope/scene differently so it's more comfortable to me." It's another thing entirely to be in complete denial and ignore the actual context of the character and their story.

Also, so many of the other comments on the video aren't even commenting on the actual scene or on what Charlotte said. They're just generic comments on how much they love Charlotte as a character or how they miss this 2D animation. It's like they're trying reallyyyyyy hard to ignore the joke that's being made.

On the grander scheme, this is concerning because these people are refusing to acknowledge something that's inappropriate at best and predatory at worse (an adult "waiting" for a child to grow up) because they don't want to be caught enjoying/supporting something "bad."

All their talk about normalizing and normalization, but they're the ones kinda normalizing bad things by downplaying them or being in denial of it when it's in THEIR favorite media. And that is very concerning and a big issue.

[rpcburnbook]

Seven being an admin on Birds of a feather would make so much sense if you knew who they were. They have every reason to want to hide because people know not to trust Seven. // Oh haiii it's me Seven. I've had quite a few of these anonymous asks brought to me by friends but wasn't going to address them because I'm sure I'll just receive more hate and be attacked no matter how I respond. I'm just tiored though. My past behavior was deeply problematic and if you personally are still hurting from these actions I'm sorry. Recognizing the pattern to my destructive behavior was a big wake up call for me and I've since taken accountability by seeking professional help that also helps me to live in a daily amends where I don't repeat hurtful behaviors. It's been two+ years since all of it came to a head and while I respect your decision to have walked away for your mental health - I need the harassment to stop. I'm just trying to heal and be a better person. I'm not cliquey, untrustworthy or the wide variety of other damaging names you'd like to justify your bullying with and a comment like this only shows you don't actually know me. Not really. I'm not trying to hide anymore because I know who I am and I'm proud to be this person I've worked so hard to become. I tried a new alias just to start new but I haven't hidden my characters and I've embraced that you know my past. You were right to say my mental illness was not an excuse and at some point we all have to be responsible in taking accountability for that along with our actions. Which I have been doing and will gladly continue to keep doing.  The only involvement that I had with the creation of Birds was commissioning their skin. I wanted to see it succeed because the idea of balancing the scales between admin and member seemed really promising to me. I'm not adminning. I'm just tired of being bullied off sites and I wanted somewhere that I could just live out my writing days peacefully. I again want to acknowledge that I know my past behavior hurt a lot of people and I regret not treating my own issues waaaay before it hurt you. If I could go back and undo that hurt I would but I can't and so the only thing I can offer is living a life that doesn't repeat those mistakes. It seems like wherever I go you're not going to stop watching me, following me, reporting on me and I'm just not gonna run from it anymore. I've changed. You don't have to acknowledge that, forgive me or even trust me. I know I've burned my bridge and I'm not looking to reconcile that. I'm offering peace and closure though. I'll also say that I may seem reserved or 'cliquey' but that's because of how severely I was dragged in teablogs, the death threats that I received, the doxxing, the threats my family received and so much more. I'm just scared to trust this community and get in my head with that anxiety. I also don't want other sites to have to defend having me there so I just pull back and leave with the hope that I'll again get to write with some of the incredible writers I've met along the way someday. I'm very deeply flawed and wanting to improve that so I personally choose to stay away from teablogs. They may help some but they've severely hurt me. Some of it was deserved but it's been years now and at some point you're going to have to admit to yourself that you've now become the problem. 

While posting here I just also want to point out that I don't judge people based off rumors or teablogs and I tend to be more in the gaming community nowadays so I don't keep up with all the drama of who is who or what they've done... but like sexual assault/harassment is part of what drove me to losing my mind and in hearing that somebody I was writing with could be guilty of that I immediately stepped back. I will always personally choose to believe the victim first because nobody really believed me when I needed them too. Nobody actually listened to me when I said I was losing my mind as the aftermath. I'm also not blaming those who couldn't hear me because I think they tried but I didn't even know how to actually talk about any of it yet. When I did it just came out in all the wrong ways. I didn't have the words for what was happening mentally. Now that I do I just want to say that while you're dissecting my reactions to very triggering situations for me, I'm navigating them the best that I can and will stay standing with/advocating for the victim. There's so much that happens outside of this blog and I just wish that people could see that I still am very much human and very much trying to grow through my own issues. I'm not perfect and I will always fail your expectation when being held to an impossibly high standard of just... knowing better... about this information with other people. I stay in my lane, write where the muse takes me, and continue to safeguard my personal space to make sure I can recharge. I act on the information I've been given and that's all I've got. It's literally all that I can do. I know this is a long ass read lol sorry. I'm just not really looking to address this more than once here. My DMs are open though and I'm not hiding who I am. If I do open/staff a site you will know. I can't really hide my enthusiasm as a member lol so I promise you will see that enthusiasm ten fold if I ever staff a site again. I might shed this alias in the future but if I do it'll only come with highlighting my authentic self and at that point I'm just going to be going by my first name. It's been years, I've done the work, and I'm not hiding because who I am today is not someone I'm ashamed to be. If you choose not to write with me I'll understand and if you want to write then I'm down. 

[runawaymun]

Hi Mun, I'm curious about something you mentioned in the Vance post. Totally all good if you don't have room on your plate to answer this.

You said the Mormon phrase “burning in the bosom” is an example of how high demand groups shut down rational questioning. Could you expound on that?

As someone who is/has been a part of that religion, I'm not sure I've seen it used to shut down questioning (though I've certainly seen it over extended from the original scripture passage it references, which was talking to a specific person about a specific thing). But I've definitely only heard a tiny slice of what people say and don't always pay much attention.

Anyway, super curious for a more outside (and clearly well-studied) perspective on it if you feel like sharing.

Hey! I don't mind at all bc tbh religion in general is a special interest so thanks for giving me an excuse to talk about it 😅

Take me with a grain of salt because I am NOT LDS or exmo, but the area I live is heavily LDS and I've had LDS friends and many, many discussions with the various missionaries who show up at my door (I've also attended a few meetings and had a discussion with a bishop out of pure curiosity). My information also comes from Alyssa Grenfell on YT who's a very vocal relatively young/recent exmo, and Dr. John Dehlin who is also exmo but much older and formally excommunicated since he won't stop talking about the church and interviewing other exmos haha. I like listening to what they have to say especially because they come from the traditional/"normal" (non-fundamentalist) background. Everybody finds it easy to understand that fundamentalist Mormonism is a high-demand cult, but it's harder at surface level to recognize how the modern LDS is also a high-demand religion, just in a different way, since on the outside they present as very harmless "good Christian values" etc. etc.

Regarding "the burning in the bosom", what I'm really getting at is the matter of testimony. Your personal testimony is paramount within the LDS church, and it's based on feelings and personal revelation, which essentially means that you are constantly self-indoctrinating. Dr. John Dehlin was talking about this a lot on a recent podcast -- the problem with this, is that there is no litmus test as to whether or not the burning in your bosom is just your personal feelings, or if it's Heavenly Father, so a) everything becomes confirmation (pattern recognition), and b) it makes LDS people especially vulnerable to radicalization, since personal revelation can come to anyone at any time, and again there is no litmus test for whether or not these feelings or 'revelations' are true.

This becomes especially problematic when trying to reason and point out holes or inconsistencies. When a member of the LDS church experiences cognitive dissonance, they immediately fall back on (and are heavily encouraged to fall back on) their Testimony. That 'burning in the bosom', the 'feelings', as their litmus test of 'this is real and I know it to be true, even if the facts don't concur'. I've experienced this while talking to missionaries, and this is also something that I've heard discussed over and over by people like Alyssa Grenfell and Dr. John Dehlin (and the many people he interviews!). I've also heard that questioning people are often pressured into bearing testimony in order to publicly reaffirm their faith, or to create a hostile environment where if they aren't willing to bear testimony, then everyone assumes something is Wrong -- though I assume that varies from ward to ward.

If you're at all interested in how mainstream LDS falls into the high-demand religion/cult catagory, I cannot recommend Dr. Dehlin and Alyssa enough. Alyssa's information is very personalized to her, but Dr. Dehlin interviews pretty much everybody across the board that he can get to come in for a podcast (and also invites a LOT of very knowledgeable guests). I still find Alyssa's story extremely valuable though, because it's so recent. Can't recommend their work enough!

[madamtrashbat]

Y'all might need this back after y'all's hissy fit yesterday:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-sense-of-entitlement-5120616

I have got to hand it to suddenlyalright, she did a really fucking good job running with the campaign that I'm salty over not getting picked for the zine and literally nothing else could have caused me to be upset at all, no sir, including a person who harassed me and a bunch of my friends and openly sends anon hate had nothing to do with it.

Efficiency is definitely something you want from a mod, I guess. Impartiality out the window, this bitch gets shit done.

Go bother someone else.

[libbee]

My 8th house transformation notes:

You dont remember the past you anymore because you have gradually healed and changed. Intuition, synchronicity, occult tools, dream symbolism, inner knowledge are your methods for healing and transformation. But this change is not sudden like the nature of 8th house. It is rather slow, gradual and blending into each other. It is like fixing your self esteem issues then slowly learning to handle negative emotions then learning to change destructive and dysfunctional thought pattern then learning to destroy previously held beliefs and ideals then seeing connection between psyche and people. In this way, you slowly heal before you know it.

Look at the above image. You go from violet to red slowly and the whole journey matters, each step matters.

2. You become fearless. You have a knowing that whatever happens is meant to happen so taking career risks is a brave decision. You feel different from the mainstream idea of youth, people, life. It is like most people in the world are so unaware of the self and soul, they are so detached from their emotional lives, it is like the world is upside down to you. You have no problem keeping to yourself because you dont long for social validation and acceptance. This is where the stereotype of mysterious persona comes from.

3. "Thinking is hard that's why most people judge". You have incredible patience and tolerance for problematic people because you see through their fake performance and see the emotional suffering they suffer to feel powerful over others, overcome their insecurity by cheap means, embarrassing themselves by thinking their tricks are working. Oddly, you feel sympathy and compassion for them.

4. With all the thinking, contemplation, self development arises a sense of self. Your self image is much stable. Transformation is a humbling process, it really awakens you that there is some higher power who knows everything for some reason somehow. With this awareness, you search for meaning in life. Some might become passionately devoted to a craft, work, skill, art, worship. While you might be a chaotic mess before, now you feel like a wise sage. You have really lived life, experienced the magic of being and know the "secrets" of life. Your presence is calming. You are conscious and self aware. You really know what you are doing. I am reminded of tarot card The Magician:

This is your persona, the shadow is the "bad people" you attracted in your life. You are now the lighter side of the magician that is: will to power over yourself, influence others positively, resourceful, skill, logic, intellect, have psychic powers, practitioner of occult. But you are also aware of the darker side that is: power over others, manipulation, greed, untrustworthiness, trickery, cunning, narcissism, liar, charlatan. You can recognize some of the people you met in your life in these keywords, can you? Friends/family/lovers/colleagues, anyone who showed a kind of revelation to you that what appears on surface is not the same as internal person.

Now you can see why you attracted a certain kind of people in your life who were your spiritual teachers. They were simply your shadow that you denied in yourself. With this knowledge, you are a whole person who is naturally called to do self actualization. There is no going back from here. But it is a journey you are excited to undertake. If you are really self aware, you would know you kind of put on a mask in social personality but in private you drop that mask to do inner work and be yourself with all the light and darkness.

5. When it comes to transformation, we hear things like "change your way of life". What it means is to change your habits, beliefs and thought patterns. Once the old system is destroyed, there is a void and that cannot sustain for too long. You immediately need a new system to hold your life in place otherwise that stage of dissolution can be really paralyzing. Like you are so sad and confused that you cannot leave your room, brush, bath, socialize, study, work.

To tell you an example, this is the skeletal system of a bird, it holds the bird's body upright, without this system the bird cannot fly, if a bone is fractured the bird is dysfunctional, if there is sickness the bird is in pain. Just like the body needs a system, we also need a system in daily mundane life. A routine, a structure, many many habits that are autonomous, thought processes to hold you up. This is the adult life where one is responsible for themselves and so they need a solid framework for their life. What habits you need to change is a personal journey but the habit must change.

6. Old impulses and temptations lack their lusture. The temptation to binge watch instagram reels? Nah, it just does not feel tempting. Temptation to binge eat 5000 kcal food? Nah, the temptation is gone. To tell you an example, it is compared to a dried raisin that has lost its juice so the old temptations are just not dopamine gratifying:

You have this sense of "I will not do or say anything that makes me feel ashamed of myself". "I will live my life by my values and principles". "I will not be cringey, I will be a person people can rely upon". It is a strange feeling, you will feel it when the transformation happens in your life. My intention to write this post is that of validation of your feeling. Spiritual awakening is a really dark and confusing step. It is like this meme:

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

[sailormoonsub]

Your opinion on PMMM so far? (and on its 'problematic' elements?)

Haha this ask will undoubtedly become a catalyst for Discourse but I will bite anyway. I don’t want to debate these opinions, this is just a place to showcase my interpretations so far, as of episode 9.

I completely understand why people don’t enjoy it. It IS about girls suffering. But I personally do not necessarily categorize it with the grimdark edgy pain-for-the-sake-of-pain genre. Each of the girls is like the hero of her own epic poem, with a particular fatal flaw that plays in to her downfall.

Sayaka’s arc is a really concise example of this. I think I unintentionally came across as demeaning to her character during my review. That’s because I recognized so many of my own patterns of past behavior in her. We see Sayaka reject help, surrender opportunity, and engage in self-sabotage that ends up causing widespread damage, because her hamartia is self-hatred. In a rather “closeted while Catholic” way, she believes herself to be beyond redemption, unworthy of grace. You know, depressed. 

Kyoko’s Achilles heel feeds directly into this. What happens when you combine someone who refuses to be saved with someone who will risk any price to save her? The answer is exactly as tragic as you think! Sayaka’s downfall is the inciting event for Kyoko’s downfall. Living on her own and shutting everyone else out has kept her alive. But it hasn’t made her happy, either. To care about someone else is to make yourself vulnerable, to take on their burdens in addition to yours. She seems to say “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ -William Shakespeare”.

Same with Madoka. She’s an older sister and a nurse’s aide. She’d trained to nurture, and genuinely believes she doesn’t have value unless she can help other people. Her self-esteem is at zero and her desire to throw herself in front of a bullet for her friends is at 100. She’s poised to become the next Kyoko.

Kyubey manufactures a class infighting conflict between magical girls and magical-girls-turned-witches so that they cannot unionize to fight against HIM. He creates a perpetual machine that feeds wannabe helpers to hopeless causes. Homura is a saint who every now and then comes down from on high and offers a way out of the machine. And Mami is a ghost, whose sacrifice is symbolic of whatever agenda any given character wants to advance.

No idea what’s going on with all those chairs though. That’s just wrong. 

[laundryandtaxes]

i feel like on one hand my gut impulse is to be against the theory that the majority of women are bisexual, because not only does it have homophobic implications when people claim ALL human sexuality is a spectrum etc etc but as a bisexual woman i feel there are a lot of straight women who have been conditioned by porn culture to fetishize lesbian sex and the female body but don’t actually experience real attraction to women. because already i feel alienated from the majority of het-partnered bisexual women as one who has only ever been with and loved women, and some women who identify as “fluid” i think just make a mockery of genuine bisexuality and attraction to the same sex. but on the other hand i do think that “bicuriosity” is in fact bisexuality, and so are all those bi women who seem like they are from another world to me. and a lot of bisexuals could benefit from just accepting and recognizing that “spectrum” so we can have the vocabulary to connect to those closer to us in experience on it, and that kind of consciousness would also ideally mean fewer bisexuals identifying as gay and appropriating lesbian and gay terms. so after thinking about it like that i become less defensive and i do think it’s probable that the majority of the human population is bisexual (by the majority i just mean above 50%, not anywhere close to 100%). but this idea that women are more inclined toward bisexuality is still weird to me and imo connected to the idea that lesbian sex and relationships are just like a sexy form of female friendship. so idk. i also find the monkey comparisons problematic because with animal sexuality, you can only make conclusions about sexual behavior, not orientation. so like how on earth does male sexual aggression factor in? what we observe in animals as forced sex, what we would call rape in humans… how do we account for that? like even the most supposedly matriarchal of monkeys (bonobos) have to give the males constant sexual favors to limit their aggression, and we’re going to say our (still scientifically limited and possibly biased) observations of these species sexual behavior speaks truth to human sexual orientation? i don’t buy it

I definitely think drawing 1/1 parallels between any kinds of animal behavior and human behavior even among other primates is nonsense, but I did find the concept, presented in a podcast I heard recently, that the MAJORITY of women are bisexual to be untrue but probably speaking to a much greater prevalence than is generally understood now. I will say the researcher who was being interviewed made a pretty compelling point that men and women tend to have very different ways of categorizing both sexual experiences and any identity which might arise out of the patterns of those experiences- it's hard for me to imagine, for instance, WSW (women who have sex with women) taking off in a clinical setting out of a real need to use that terminology rather than lesbian or bisexual. I just found it an interesting idea that I hadn't really considered before.

I'd also been thinking about this in the context of intra-community dynamics and wondering what proportion of people are gay vs lesbian vs bisexual within the group and how that would impact community dynamic. A friend of mine unprompted recently said something extremely extremely similar to the second half of your message. Basically, she thinks that more broad acceptance of a spectrum of bisexual experiences would alleviate a lot of current queer homophobia and would allow bisexual people to have their own propensity toward mostly same sex or mostly opposite sex sexual activity without feeling they had to give up their claim to their sexuality. I think that understanding the experiences of women who date men and women fairly equally and those of women who almost exclusively date men as maybe not equally queer (gag) but certainly equally bisexual would make a lot of sense, and while on the one hand I think the lives of women like yourself are literally gayer than the lives of women who almost exclusively partner with men, I don't think any of that is objectively morally better or worse unless we are moralizing sexual orientation a lot. Thanks for sharing!

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Reparative Reading

I would love, and indeed have been meaning for a long time, to talk about a piece of academic writing from one of my favourite theorists that I think has an ongoing relevance. This is Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick’s “Paranoid Reading and Reparative Reading,” first published in the mid-to-late 1990’s and compiled in her 2003 monograph, Touching Feeling. There’s a some free PDFs of it floating around (such as here) for those who want to read it in full – and I would recommend doing so, despite its density in places, because Sedgwick has a marvelous critical voice.

Sedgwick’s topic of contention in this essay is the overwhelming tendency in queer criticism to employ what she thinks of as a paranoid methodology – that is, criticism based around the revelation of oppressive attitudes, and that sees that revelation not only as always and inherently a radical project, but the only possible anti-oppressive project. This methodology is closely related to what Paul Ricoeur termed the “hermeneutics of suspicion” and identified as central to the works of Marx, Nietzsche, and Freud, which were all progenitors of queer criticism. Sedgwick objects to the fact that the hermeneutics of suspicion had, at her time of writing, become “synonymous with criticism itself,” rather than merely one possible critical approach. She questions the universal utility of the dramatic unveiling of the presence of oppressive forces, pointing to the function of visibility itself in perpetuating systemic violence, and identifying the work of anti-oppression as one based in a competition for a certain type of visibility. She also rejects the knowledge of the presence of oppression alone as conferring a particular critical imperative, instead posing the question, “what does knowledge do?”

As an example, Sedgwick critiques Judith Butler’s commentary on drag in Gender Trouble, one of the works that she uses as an example of a reading based in a paranoid approach. She identifies Butler’s argument that drag foregrounds the constructed aspect of gender as a paranoid approach, due to its focus on revelation of structures of power and oppression, and she finds Butler’s argument lacking in its neglect in acknowledging the role that joy and community formation play in the phenomenon of drag. Near the end of the essay, she also does an example of a reparative reading of the ending of Proust’s In Search of Lost Time, claiming that the narrator’s remove from the traditional familial structure and its temporality is precisely what confers his particular moment joy and insight upon discovering that his friends have aged. Broadly, Sedgwick rejects the implication that readings based in joy, hope, or optimism are naïve, uncritical, or functionally a denial of the reality of oppression.

Now, it’s important to note that the message of this essay is not that paranoid readings are bad, and reparative readings are good. Sedgwick is drawing on a body of affect theories (most prominently Melanie Klein’s) that posit the reparative impulse as dependent on and resulting from the paranoid impulse – reparation by definition is something that can only occur after some kind of shattering, and Kleinian trauma theories generally posit that process as something that produces a new object or perspective than pre-trauma. (Something I love about Sedgwick is that she often sets up these binaries that seem at odds with each other, but end up being mutually dependent.) Furthermore, the critical tradition in queer studies that Sedgwick is critiquing in this essay is one that was itself, in many ways, a manifestation of communal trauma, particularly with the impact of the AIDS crisis. Sedgwick herself acknowledged this last point in a later essay, “Melanie Klein and the Difference Affect Makes,” claiming that she didn’t feel she did a good enough job of identifying the AIDS crisis as a driving force behind this trend. So Sedgwick is not discounting the utility of paranoid readings, but rather rejecting the notion that they ought to encompass all of criticism. (In fact, a running theme in Touching Feeling is her representation of various perspectives and methods as sitting beside one another, rather than hierarchically.) And reparative reading, as Sedgwick portrays it, is not the denial of trauma or violence, but a possibility for moving forward in its wake.

Why am I taking the time to outline all of this? Because, while the original essay was written almost 25 years ago, with the academic community in mind, it reflects a similar pattern that I see now in online fandom.

Queer fandom (as that’s what I feel the most qualified to talk about) has a considerable paranoia problem. Queer fandom is brimming with traumatized people who carry varying degrees of personal baggage and are afflicted by the general neuroses that come from existing in a heterosexist, cissexist society. And many people in fandom have been repeatedly burned by the treatment of queer people in media – Bury Your Gays, queerbaiting, queercoded villains, etc. And in such a media landscape, and within such a communal sphere, much of fandom has developed the kind of “anticipatory and reactive” method of media criticism that Sedgwick identifies in this essay.

Fandom gets very excited for new media, certainly, and is prone to adulation of media that seems to fit its ideological beliefs. But it is also very quick to hone in on any potential representative flaw, and use that as a vehicle for condemnation. (This cycling between idealization and extreme, bitter jadedness has been widely commented on). Not only is there a widespread moralistic approach in fan criticism that is very invested in deeming whether or not a piece of media is harmful or not, “problematic” or not, within a simplistic binary framing, but that conclusion is so frequently the end of the conversation. “This is problematic,” “this is bad representation,” “this falls into this tired and harmful trope,” etc, is treated as the endpoint of criticism, rather than a starting point. This is the spectacle of exposure that Sedgwick critiques as central to the paranoid approach – simply identifying the presence of oppressive attitudes in a text is not only treated as an analytic in and of itself, but as the only valid analytic. So often I have seen people jump to take the most pessimistic possible approach to a piece of media, and then proceed to treat any disagreement with that reading as in and of itself a denial of structural homophobia, as naïve, and as not being a critical enough reader/viewer. “Being critical” itself has been taken on as a shorthand for this particular process, which many others have commented on as well.

Now, again, I want to stress that taking issue with this totalizing impulse is not discounting the legitimate uses of identification and exposure, or even of reactivity and condemnation. There are particular contexts in which these responses have their uses – in Sedgwick’s words, “paranoia knows some things well and others poorly.” But that approach has a finite scope. And rejecting the universal application of this particular analytic does not itself constitute a denial of the existence of oppression, or its manifestation in media and narratives. Nor is it about letting particular works “off the hook” for whatever aspects they may have that are worthy of critique. Rather, it’s a call to acknowledge that other critical approaches exist, and that the employment of a more optimistic approach is not necessarily a result of ignorance or apathy about the existence of oppression. It is one that invites us not to lay aside paranoia as an approach, but recognize that it has limited applicability, and question when and how our motives might be better served by another approach.  

I think that “is this homophobic, yes or no?” or “is this good representation, yes or no?” are reductive critical approaches in and of themselves. But I think there’s also room for acknowledgment that not everything needs to be read through a revelatory lens regarding societal oppression at all. Rather than “what societal attitudes does this reflect back?” being the approach, I think there could be a good bit more “What does this do for us? What avenues of possibility does this have?” I think there’s already been leanings in this direction with, for example, the reclaiming of queercoded villains, with dialogues that treat those characters not as reflections of societal anxiety and prejudice, but rather as representative of joy and freedom and possibility in their rejection of norms and constraints. I’d like to see that approach applied more broadly and more often.

Let’s try to read more reparatively.  

[angeloncewas]

And regarding The Video, some fans were up to the plate to defend schlatt saying it’s not that bad or “it’s just edgy humor.” I wonder how many of those Schlatt fans preach about how stans are too parasocial? How quickly they are to defend their CCs? Because I give Dteam stans this, when that Tyrone video came out I didn’t see no dream stans defend that (and honestly dream did good apologizing for that and quickly, it seemed like something he really did regret making). I saw no one defend that as “edgy humor.” And saying it wasn’t that bad, Ty, Schlatts friend who is Jewish and black, said that video hurt to watch. Connor said that video is bad. If TWO friends of Schlatt directly said that video was absolute not ok and aren’t defending him, it’s weird that as a fan some were so quick to defend it. Idk it’s just something I observed

No one can escape. The parasocial relationship comes for us all 😔

Anyway, you're right. As much as I criticize the way twt jumps down creators' throats, that doesn't mean I think people in positions of influence/power should be able to do whatever they want. A big part of being able to properly consume "problematic" media (which is like, all media, btw) is being able to recognize when something goes too far and be willing to catch those mistakes and call them out. It's very easy to sink into a place where you just forgive and forget, but that's pretty complacent, and it's even worse if you're out there defending the bad shit. Schlatt's video was awful and the people who defended it as it stands were either also awful or blinded by their love for him.

Not to bring Hasan up for the 500th time, but the other day when he was making fun of Dream stans on twt (after the picture), he kind of dismissed the idea that his community is similarly "parasocial," which I think is wrong. Maybe their connection doesn't manifest itself in the way it does in mcyttwt, but Hasan has a community full of people who hang onto his every word. Who trust his opinion regardless of how theoretically incorrect it is because he has a perceived authority both as a streamer and as a public figure educated on politics. I'm not saying this is a bad thing or that it's his fault - it's kind of part of his cause as an activist - but I think a lot of people are quick to point out patterns in others without recognizing them in their own circles. Plenty of people have that "parasocial" (I've used that word way too many times today for my liking) relationship with a creator who condemns them or despite condemning them themself.

[muthaz-rapapa]

[Disclaimer: This is just my personal opinion, I'll try my best to express it without make it sound rude. And you can disagree with me].

I understand Laura is your favorite character and she's been great so far, but for me I have a love-hate relationship with her. Like I said, Laura's a great mermaid-now turned human character, she really showed her care and determination to help her friends, especially Manatsu. However, there's a part of her that really annoys me and that's her tsundere side. I reaaally hate tsundere characters, not only they're annoying and irritating to the point I want scream and slap at them but they also comes off as rude b*tches. Now I know not all tsunderes are like that, in fact, there are some well-written tsunderes that I really like (Rin Tohsaka from Fate/stay night) because at least I know why they act like that and I relate to them. In Laura's case, in episode 16, it really frustrates me that she didn't open up to her friends and expressed her desire to become human to spend more time with them. Why? Was she too embarrased to tell them? Was it because she was still a proud mermaid?

Nevertheless, while she's not officially my favorite character, I still think she's a great character and I respect her.

[Of course I can disagree with you! You have your own opinion and I have mine, after all. Not being rude, btw, just thought it was funny that I was told I can disagree on my own blog, lol 😅]

Cool. 😀 No, really. I get it. You can totally respect something or someone but still not like them for whatever reasons you may have. Like, take my feelings towards Haruka (Go!Pri) or Hana (Hugtto) for example. I thought their arcs were very well done and inspiring and I greatly respect the people they've grown into by the end of their respective seasons. But up till today, I can't say that I favor them as characters. I don't dislike them or anything. I just don't love them.

And I'm okay with that.

For Laura, we all knew from the beginning that she was going to be problematic. And even though she's come quite a way since then, her flaws (arrogance, selfishness, the tendency to revert to tsun mode when she's too proud to admit her faults) are still glaringly present. It's only natural that those flaws are going to bother some viewers while also serving as a source of entertainment for others. Nobody can tell you how to feel towards a certain character. But it remains your responsibility to understand them and yourself to the best of your own ability. If you want to try to come around and it works, then that's great. But if you're still bothered by their behavior or actions and such, then that's perfectly fine, too. You have your reasons and you at least took time to find them. That's already more than what a lot of people are willing to try.

Just be smart and honest with yourself, make your peace with it and move on. And we're only at ep 18 so far, not even halfway through the season yet so who knows. Maybe Laura has more story to tell, more development to go through and more changes to undergo before the end. Maybe she doesn't and this is how she's always going to be from now on. Haughty and demanding but deep down, possesses a good heart. But the matter of whether you can accept Laura fully or not after all that's done is still entirely up to you. I won't judge you on your preferences because I wouldn't want someone judging me for favoring Laura either.

Now, regarding the tsundere issue, I'm in a similar boat.

Tsundere are not my cup of tea. I even hated them for a while.

But these days, it really depends on how well the character is written.

This is a trope after all. It should not take up 100% of the character's composition because that would just be terrible writing.

A good tsundere would have their tsun traits support their overall character, adding charm to their personality rather than dominating it and leaving no room for anything else on their profile.

Rin Tohsaka (she's awesome, I love her, omg QUEEN 😍) is one of the prime examples on how a tsundere should be done properly. It gives her such an adorable side to appreciate but doesn't take away from her incredibly complex story and intrigue as an individual.

For Precure, it's a trickier business because like I always say, Toei is very reluctant to move away from the archetypes they heavily rely on every single year.

You have to learn to look past that mold in order to see what makes this character so special, what makes them stand apart from the rest who look and/or act similarly to how they do. You need to really dissect them from head to toe in order to determine if they carry a quality you think you can get hooked onto.

Laura is not the worst tsundere I've come across but she is admittedly not the best either. Again, because it's easy to fall back on common and established patterns and the writers amped up those aspects because it's something every anime fan is already familiar with.

However, that doesn't mean Laura's a low grade tsundere. Her confidence and straightforwardness comes from her pride as a mermaid and desire to become Queen. From that angle, they can be seen as positive traits because it means she's not a pushover and sticks strongly to her beliefs.

But when she talks condescendingly to others, acts all superior because she's a mermaid and then tries to hide behind her pride as mermaid, that's when it's a problem. However, even that you can make some sense of if you put yourself in her shoes fins. She spent the first 10 or so episodes constantly bragging about how great she is and how much better mermaids are than humans. For some as prideful as Laura to take that all back just because she recently shifted lanes after learning that humans aren't so bad, it's actually a lot harder than you think. Frankly, it'd make less sense for her to open up so readily about wanting to become human than it would for her to deny she wants to become human. Learning to be honest takes time.

Also, her forthrightness comes in conflict with her trouble on recognizing that she is not indeed perfect...which is what activates her tsun wall. It's a defense mechanism. She doesn't want others to poke fun at her. It's uncomfortable especially when she can't even face herself yet.

But at least she's doing that less and less, though. The patronizing attitude, that is. She only boasts about being a mermaid now and doesn't put others down just because they're not mermaids like her.

Ep 18 plays up her tsun mostly for laughs as well.

From my perspective, it seems the humiliation she experienced on her first day of school (for overestimating herself and being completely unprepared for human lifestyles) was meant to humble her and deflate her ego after the novelty of school blew it up.

Except that only worked so much to a certain degree and Laura's still rather dishonest about her own feelings (read: embarrassed) that she has to go through such roundabout ways just to convey to her friends that "Yea, I want to be with you guys in the same club, that was my intention all along!"

It's annoying, yes, but also funny, too, to see Laura flounder about on land. 😆 And it's definitely a step forward rather than back so we should take that to mean Laura's still progressing towards becoming a better person than she is now. Hopefully.

But yea, like I said earlier, you make your own calls on your own opinions. And I respect that. 🙂👍

[vincent-g-writer]

The Silver Screen Savant, pt 2- the Meh, the Bad and The yikes.

Hello Writers!

Last time here on Starry Starry Write, I talked a little about Autism in the media and my personal experiences therein. Today, I’d like to go a little broader, and tackle the topic from a macro perspective.

In recent times, you’ve probably heard “Representation Matters” oft repeated. Especially in prominent talking spaces like social media. But what does that mean, exactly?

Why “Representation Matters,” and how.

The short answer:

Diverse representation in media tells us that everyone has a place in the world. That everyone’s story matters.

The long answer:

It’s no secret that we begin engaging with media at a young age. When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, TV and video games were often the babysitters of my peers. I was one of the few kids in my neighborhood whose parents weren’t divorced. The kids I knew? Not so much. Most of them were raised by single parents, grandparents and of course-the boob tube. I personally prefered books, when my mom wasn’t yelling “it’s too nice out to be holed up in that dark bedroom!”

Now, don’t mistake my preference for some kind of intellectual superiority. I watched plenty of TV too. Besides, books aren’t magically out of the equation. Printed material is our oldest form of media. And- often just as problematic. Though I will say- I saw a much broader range of people on covers adoring library shelves than I ever did titles on a TV roster. But, I digress. The point is: for many of us, consuming media begins at an early time of our life. And that’s where the problem starts. Even in my childhood, where The Magic School Bus, Hey Arnold, and Sesame Street showed people of all kinds, I can point to many that did not. Especially not people like me. Which did me a grave disservice. I didn’t know I was on the spectrum for a long time, and when I finally found out, I was horrified, thanks to what I had seen on TV.

Because media is not only a wonderful way to learn about people that don’t look, act or sound like us. It also informs our ideas of who we are, and what we can be. Whether we like it or not: it shapes how we understand the world. And it doesn’t stop with Childhood.

Time Changes Much, but not all.

Things are better now. Well, a little bit, anyway.

As an adult, I see more people like me on the screen nowadays. Which is nice.

Ish.

Why “ish?” Well…

Frequently, these “noticeably different” characters (read: Autistically coded) are branded “NOT AUTISTIC!” You heard it here first, folks! That one character (insert your favorite) is Totally Not Autistic. Despite being written in a way that gives every indication otherwise.

*Facepalm*

Now for some examples, which we’ll call the “Meh,” “The Bad” and the “Yikes.” For “fun,” we’ll also go into the off-air perceptions of the characters.

The “Meh.”

First on the list is Dr. Spencer Reid, from CBS’s “Criminal Minds.”

Dr. Reid is the youngest member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, having joined at the age of 22. He holds three B.A degrees in Sociology, Psychology and Philosophy, as well as three Ph.D’s in Engineering, Chemistry, and Mathematics.

He also has the social skills of a limp dishrag. Wait, what’s that? High Intelligence + Low Social Awareness? Hmmm…Then there’s his restrictive behavioral patterns, obsessive interests, and general “quirkiness!” that we could talk about. But let’s hear a quote from the actor who plays him, Matthew Gray Gubler:

“..an eccentric genius, with hints of schizophrenia and minor autism, Asperger’s Syndrome. Reid is 24, 25 years old with three PH.D.s and one can’t usually achieve that without some form of autism.”

Hoooo-boy. I could go into all the things wrong with this, including why the term “Asperger’s” is both horrific (TW: Eugenics,Ableism, N*zis) and harmful. However, today we’ll simply leave it with the fact that this term is no longer applicable, having been reclassified in 2013 as part of Autism Spectrum disorder.

The “Bad.”

Next up, we have Will Graham, from NBC’s Hannibal.

Like our first example, Will works for the FBI. He’s a gifted criminal profiler with “special” abilities, namely hyper empathy, which allows him to reconstruct the actions and fantasies of the killers he hunts. He’s intellectually gifted, hates eye contact, socializing, and prefers to spend…most of his time…alone.

Oh dear. Haven’t we been here before? But, I mean, he doesn’t have Autism! The show runner says so!

For Will Graham, there’s a line in the pilot about him being on the spectrum of autism or Asperger’s, and he’s neither of those things. He actually has an empathy disorder where he feels way too much and that’s relatable in some way. There’s something about people who connect more to animals than they do to other people because it’s too intense for whatever reason.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m cringing. A lot. This is just…ugh. I mean, for starters, I know a handful of autistic people who struggle with hyper empathy, which can make social situations overwhelming and hard to navigate. In fact, I happen to be one of them. Plus, there’s a cool little thing about how, frequently, people on the spectrum more readily identify with animals. But, y’know. Who am I to say? I’m just someone, one of many, who’s dealt with this my whole life.

Now, onto the “Yikes.”

*sigh*

And finally, we have BBC’s Sherlock, a modern adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s renowned “consulting” detective, and probably the most famous fictional character of all time.

Now, I’ll start by saying that the BBC incarnation is not the first to be Spectrum labeled. In fact, Sherlock was my childhood hero, and the first “person” I saw referred to this way. My aunt, an avid reader herself, casually remarked to a friend “I’ve always wondered if Holmes is Autistic,” after I came yammering on about how fantastic the books were. Had I not been champing at the bit to get back to my reading, I might have asked her what that meant.

I also believe this fandom driven speculation is why many detective type characters (see above) are often coded as Autistic, intentionally or otherwise.

In this New York Times article, Lisa Sanders, M.D. describes Holmes traits:

He appears oblivious to the rhythms and courtesies of normal social intercourse — he doesn’t converse so much as lecture. His interests and knowledge are deep but narrow. He is strangely “coldblooded,” and perhaps as a consequence, he is also alone in the world.

Now, before we go any father, let me take a moment to defend his creator. During the time Sir Arthur Conan Doyle first created his most famous work, Autism was not known. That isn’t to say it didn’t exist. We’ve always existed. In fact, it’s now believed that the Changeling Myth, a common European folk story, was a way to explain Autism. In one telling (there are a few) children displaying “intelligence beyond their years” and “uncanny knowledge” were imposters, traded out by Fae creatures for offspring of their own. Children believed to be “Changlings,” regretfully, often came to a bad end. A chilling reminder that the stories we tell impact our real lives.

So while Autism was at least somewhat recognized, it did not become its own official diagnosis until 1943.

Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes was first published in 1892. Now, as a writer who often draws from my personal reality, I imagine Doyle probably “wrote what he knew,” which is to say, acquainted with one or more Autistic people, he used them as inspiration.

On the other hand…

BBC’s Sherlock first aired in 2010. And while one might argue that the writers simply capitalized on the Autistic fan-theory, or took already available traits and exaggerated them for their version… they left a lot to be desired. Autism aside, this new Sherlock is…well…an asshole. Narcissistic, abusive and egocentric (to name a few) he sweeps his caustic behavior under the rug of “high functioning sociopath,” and blytly ignores the consequences.

Which is a major problem. Because while doing this, he’s still “obviously” (at least in the Hollywood sense) Autistic. In my previous post, where I said some characters are “too smart™, and logical© to ever have feelings, friends or empathy,” this is what I meant.

This is bad. We’re looping right back to Representation Matters. Bad representation, and the navigating of such, is just as important for writers to think about as good representation. Maybe even moreso. Because bad representation paints real people into cardboard, stereotyped people-shaped things. It otherizes. And it’s harmful. You would not believe the people I’ve met assume I’m not Autistic because I’m not an egotistical jerk. Why? Because they watched, you guessed it, BBC Sherlock.

Confession time:

Now here’s my little secret:

I love all of these characters. They are some of my favorite on tv. Why? Because for good or ill, I recognize myself in them. Finally, I can turn on the TV, and see myself. Or, somewhat, anyway.

My favorite character out of this list? Loath though I am to admit it… Is Sherlock. See, what those well meaning folks didn’t know (the ones who say I’m I’m “too nice,” to be Autistic) is… well, if we’re being honest, I wasn’t always nice. A few years ago, I was that guy. I was a jerk because I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Which is really not a good look. In fact, sitting down and watching the first season of sherlock, (around three or four years after it came out) made me realize how much of a jerk I actually was.

There are other things there too. Things that tie me to all these characters, that I didn’t list. But that’s for another today.

For now, I’d like to add a caveat or two:

1) I’ve watched all the shows listed above, and adore them. As I mentioned, Sherlock is my favorite. He’s also the one I’ve watched the most (Repeatedly, in fact. Whoops.) and I recognize it’s not all bad. In the end, he learned to treat people better (somewhat) and certainly became more human over time. And, there are other deeply problematic elements of the show I’d like to tackle, eventually.

*cough* Queerbating! *cough*

2) I’m well aware that the above cases are all thin, white, able bodied, “straight” males. But I chose these characters for a couple of reasons. One, they’re the most prominent type on TV. Again, we loop back around to representation, and why we need more positive, diverse examples of it.

And finally-

3) In my last post, I mentioned I’d give some “good” instances of Hollywood Autism trope. But I didn’t exactly do that. Partially, because half way through, I thought…perhaps…I’m not the best to judge what might be a good Autistic character. I mean, I’m sure someone will read this and think my current aforementioned characters are fine. Heck! They might even argue my perception here, and say the characters are just fine. I accept that. In my life, both on and off the page, I recognize that I cannot, should not (and don’t want to) speak for an entire community.

Because of this, I cannot tell you how to write a “good” Autistic character, or what media is “acceptable.” I can’t even really tell you what a bad character is. Sure, I have a lot of opinions about it. But- if you’re on the spectrum and like and identify with the above? That’s fine. I mean, even with all the problems I noted (and some I didn’t) I certainly do.

On the other hand, if you’re a writer, and you want to write a character from this (or any, for that matter) community you aren’t part of, I caution you.

Do your research. Preferably from multiple credible sources.

Talk to people on the spectrum about what it’s really like. (Though try to steer clear of asking for emotional labor.You could, say, hop on reddit and ask the community there, for instance, which is a no pressure way to obtain potentially decent info.)

Finally, whatever you do, remember this-

Autistic people can look like anyone. We can act, and think and be different, like anyone. We are real, living, breathing people. Not robots, not sob stories, not tropes. People. So if you write about us, write us like people. And your work will be all the better for it.

-Your Loving Vincent

[whitegirlrevert]

Are reverts adequately supported by other muslims?

Recently, a sister reached out to me and asked whether reverts receive adequate support from other muslims. No. No, we don’t. I am a member of a muslim women’s convert group on Facebook and we often have discussions about how reverts are treated in the ummah.

Here are a few of the characterizations:

The unicorn

I’m going to speak about my personal experience as a white revert. There aren’t many countries with significant white Muslim populations (although they do exist) which adds to the rarity factor.

We are seen as the ultra-pious ones. Bonus points if you have blue eyes. It becomes a fetishization in Muslim communities to be white and Muslim. After every Eid prayer I get a couple marriage proposals from men who know nothing about me other than how I look. The fetishization of white male reverts is also prominent (see ft note) but, in contrast to their female counterparts, this can actually make it harder for them to find a spouse.

Tourage, Mahdi, Performing belief and reviving Islam: Prominent (white male) converts in Muslim revival conventions, 2012, vol 1:2 at 207-226 Intellect Ltd.

One to take advantage of

There are countless stories of religious leaders taking advantage of reverts, particularly female ones. This is both grotesque and unacceptable. What’s even more disgusting is that we as a community prefer to unconditionally support these “religious leaders” rather than believe the victims. This is aggravated by the low support that reverts receive from other Muslims. Imagine finally working up the courage to out a religious leader only to be shut down because the alleged perpetrator is part of the establishment. The amount of support for these men – using Islamic themes to give them the benefit of the doubt – is truly discouraging. Islam teaches us to stand with the oppressed not the oppressor.

What does being a woman or being a white woman have to do with her experience of sexual assault being invalidated. Does this mirror existing cultural stereotypes of white woman = slut? How can we pretend that this doesn’t have a negative impact on our later treatment in these conservative circles? This is not to say that women of color don’t experience sexual assault, they certainly do.

Religious leaders hold all the religious knowledge and these sisters feel compelled to stick close to them to gain this knowledge. We need to provide safe spaces for reverts as well as sources for sisters to seek knowledge themselves.

We don’t know anything about Islam

I’ll keep this short. There is a huge difference between communicating information and haram policing. The line between them, however, is not clear.

This becomes especially problematic when you follow a particular madhaab or were taught Islamic practice through culture. Why? Because there may be perfectly legitimate alternative views and interpretations on the issue.

This makes it both confusing for new Muslims and alienates those who disagree with your practice but are made to feel that if they don’t follow your tradition, that they aren’t being a good muslim.

Instead, consider informing them about your view by clarifying that it is from your perception.

No reply to our salaams

A common theme running in discussions with other reverts is that whenever we say our salaams to Muslims we don’t get a reply. It’s like saying hello in a respectful, acknowledging way. Do we not deserve that from you?

Normally, when I bring this up people tell me not to worry and remind me that it is a Muslim’s duty to reply and some version of getting the passerby’s potential blessing in addition to mine. I don’t care. This doesn’t make us feel better.

Some people have hypothesized that these Muslims who don’t reply are simply in shock at hearing a white person say salaam (particularly if, like me, they don’t wear hijab). Others say that they weren’t sure if they misheard me. Regardless of the reasoning, I think the fact that most reverts don’t get a reply is troubling. EVEN if we weren’t Muslim why wouldn’t you reply…? If a non-Muslim is saying salaam to you then they are obviously trying hard to communicate their respect to you. Why would you respond by ignoring this?

One sister from the revert group mentioned that men make excuses about not saying salaam back because they are trying to avoid zina…Ugh. First of all, not supported by hadith. Second, surely you can keep it in your pants for long enough to say the equivalent of hello back. Or are muslim men inherently more fragile than other men? I think not. You can also say salaam back while lowering your gaze. It’s really not that difficult.

Non-Muslims treat us better than other Muslims 

I plan to have a full post on this at some point in the future. This is a bit difficult to explain as I have only recently recognized this irony. Basically, the way I figured this out is that prior to telling a non-muslim about my religious orientation I would preface it by saying, “this is going to be really weird but…” The thing is, they never looked shocked or surprised when I told them. Contrast this to my experience with muslims, and it usually takes them a few minutes and multiple questions to confirm that yes, I am in fact muslim. And you could say it’s the lack  of scarf thing, but honestly if non-muslims can accept that there are muslims who don’t wear hijab than so can you.

It’s really ironic considering that prior to conversion every muslim is all like welcoming and whatnot and then when you convert you almost feel like you need to prove that you are muslim.

I am going to give an example of something that happened to me while I was shopping in a muslim area of Singapore.

I stopped at a shop and asked about this smaller prayer rugs. I told the shop keeper that I am looking for a smaller rug to put my forehead and face on during salah when I am at the masjid for a long time. Literally no idea.

Next store over, I asked this shop keeper about a prayer rug. He, in his sales pitch endeavors said “you can give it to your friend, you can use it yourself”. So I’m thinking, great, this is off to a good start. I continue asking about this rug and am repeatedly using the word salah. He then says, “do you know any muslims?” I replied, “yes, myself”. Then (note the pattern) he says, “you are muslim?!” with a shocked expression.

 To summarize, here are some things Muslims could be doing better to support us. 

Say your salaams back to us.

Believe us when we tell you that a community religious leader has assaulted us.

Stop forcing your particular madhab down our throat.

Don’t assume we know less than you about Islam.

Don’t assume that we are going to whip on a hijab, now or at any point. Focus instead on teaching us how to pray and what to do at a mosque.

Do not tell us that you are making duah for our family to become muslim. I’m not sure how people think this is a great thing, but I personally find it incredibly offensive.

Don’t be mad if we can’t attend Islamic events. Sometimes we are busy, and sometimes we are just dealing with a bit of trauama from negative experiences from the muslim community. We appreciate the invite regardless.

Positive things Muslims do. 

Invite us for iftar, Eid, other Islamic events.

Encourage us by being supportive regardless of whether we share the same views as you islamicly.

Empathize with our challenges.

Motivate us by sending us duahs or ayat.

Make duah for us and our families to have ease.

Instead of saying “In Islam X is forbidden”, try: “most people agree that in Islam X is forbidden”. An excellent example of how this may play out is where a Muslim has an assumption that all reverts will follow the Sunni school and that only the Sunni school is legitimate. This isn’t a Sunni/Shi’a debate, but the very fact that there are conflicting opinions indicates that diversity of opinions exists.

[woeismyhoe]

No, your previous anon is correct. Abuse is a complex thing and it's very dangerous to act as though every abuser is some kind of inhuman monster who abuses people for fun. Abuse is a pattern of mistreatment and harm. But abusers have a variety of motivations. Some abusers do have anger issues, some never learned how to have healthy relationships, some have attachment or control issues, some do need help and therapy. But it's all still abuse, and acting otherwise is very dangerous to victims.

How is stating that abusers are dangerous........ make that dangerous? Like literally, how? No, I’m sorry but I seriously can’t believe you guys are saying this. How on earth are you seriously saying this right now?? Defending abusers are almost equivalent to defending murderers and rapists. I’m not even kidding. The only thing that sets abusers apart from those two is that they do everything mentally instead of physically.

My whole responses to the two anons have been literally pointing out that abusers are dangerous and shipping them with their victims and humanizing them IS dangerous to real life victims. If all of you keep saying that Azula IS abusive, then omfg why are you supporting an abusive character? Seriously, WHY?

An abuser prides themself on MANIPULATION. They do NOT abuse EVERYONE. Every abuser IS a monster. THAT IS THE POINT. And to downplay that, even remotely imply that abusers can change— is extremely damaging to their victims and problematic af. That is how abusers manipulate their victims, by downplaying their victim’s memory about it and playing it off as them being dramatic or playing the victim and claiming that their victims just don’t ‘understand’ AKA gaslighting their victims.

There’s a reason why abuse survivors are called survivors. And that’s because more often than not, abuse victims have lost their lives at the hands of their abusers whether literally or mentally.

YES, abuse is a complex thing, the long ass paragraphs should have been proof of that. They’re complex because everything they do is through mental and emotional attacks so it’s harder to recognize, and then afterward they’ll act all sweet and nice to make it up to you to make you believe they’re truly sorry for what they did. Their process is complex, but recognizing isn’t supposed to be, but that blame falls on so society who normalize abuse and think that just ‘therapy’ will eventually work things out. That’s not how abuse works. A person who loves you won’t ever endanger you or make you feel like shit.

Do NOT justify an abuser’s actions. Do NOT try to make sense of what they’re doing and think they’ll change because you think they will once you confront them about this. They literally don’t, and they never do. An abuser is different from someone with anger management issues. How do I know? If your abuser doesn’t act that way to his friends or coworkers or boss, then they’re definitely abusive. Like I said, abusers have full control of themselves. It’s their perception on love that’s twisted and warped. What you’re doing is generalizing every jerkwad that have issues that are normally treated during sessions to be abusive, which that by itself, is dangerous. Ignorance is common, hence the jerks in the world. Abuse is something that requires manipulation and a whole lot of calculation. The fundamental difference between an abusive person and just an asshole, is that the asshole doesn’t bother to hide their assholeness while an abusive person will do it in secret and cover their abuse up constantly.

[takadasaiko]

One Hundred and Eighty Days (a Veronica Mars one shot)

FFN II AO3

Summary: Logan returns from his six month tour in the Persian Gulf. Part of my Spanning Years. Continents. series.

One Hundred and Eighty Days

Six months.

One hundred and eighty days.

It had seemed doable, especially following the nine years of silence that had spread between them after she'd left for Stanford. It wasn't like Veronica didn't have plenty to focus on with her father's recovery and getting back into the swing of the PI business. It helped to have her friends by her side rather than across the country, and the ability to - at least on occasion - Skype with Logan while he was away. She never would have anticipated that one hundred and eighty days could feel so fucking long.

She hadn't been sure she could meet his ship as it came into port. Forty-eight hours before she was knee-deep in a new case and twenty-four hours before she was neck-deep into it. Logan had told her not to worry about it. She'd be there or she wouldn't, but he wouldn't hold it against her if the case wouldn't give her a chance to get away. He knew how hard she was working. That carefully cool voice of his over their last Skype call rang in her mind and drove her crazy. So crazy that three hours before he was due in - up to her eyeballs in the case - both her father and Mac had demanded that she drive down to San Diego. He'd left his car with her anyway, right? Right. She should go pick him up.

Veronica made record time down to the Naval base where he would be docking and was shuffled through each checkpoint. Every time she expected to hit a snag, her name appeared on all the right lists. Logan may have said that it wasn't a big deal if she couldn't make it, but he'd clearly made sure she had a straight path in if she chose to show.

The docks were busy with husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. New mothers pointed at the ship to their babies like they had any clue that that's where their dads had been for the entirety of their short lives. Veronica weaved in and out of the crowd, watching and listening and observing. Conversations about how long they'd been gone, about information sent home, about plans once they disembarked. Everybody was excited, which left Veronica - as she often was - the odd one out. She should be excited, she knew, but really she was just left with a tremendous amount of anxiety.

It wasn't that she wasn't excited to see Logan again, but she was equal parts terrified. As long as he was gone they were both looking forward to his homecoming. It gave them a goal, a north star to focus on. Now that his ship was docked and it looked like they'd start letting the officers off soon, Veronica couldn't push down the overwhelming fear that they'd fall back into old patterns. Chaos came to their door, they gave into the magnetic pull that felt so right in the moment, but it inevitably turned bitter as one or both of them did something to spoil it. There'd been so much pain in their past that sometimes she wondered if either of them were capable of healthy relationships. Logan, at least, seemed to be trying in a lot of ways, but it was easy in the short sprint of time that was her arrival back in Neptune to help him choose a lawyer and him shipping out. Now that they were both going to be in the same town, she knew it could make or break them, and after everything she wasn't sure she could take another break.

This was where she usually ran. Distanced herself and fled for the hills.

But here she was. Waiting for him.

She hoped it wasn't going to crush her.

Cheers sounded from the crowd and Veronica looked to where sailors were disembarking in their snazzy white uniforms. She waited and watched from her place where she could actually see - at least at a distance - who was leaving the ship, and finally spotted a familiar figure. Her heart leapt in her chest and her feet were moving before she gave them permission to. "Excuse me. Yeah. Sorry." She pushed her way through the crowd in the general trajectory of where she'd seen Logan making his way down and finally broke through the other side to find no familiar faces.

She'd missed him. He must have already gone…. wherever they went when they got home.

"Veronica?"

Veronica turned, recognizing the voice instantly above the rumble of the rest. Logan stood with the same bag he'd had slung over his shoulder the day he'd left, his hat perched on his head, and his thin lips slowly stretching out into a smile. "You made it."

She echoed his smile and then some as she launched forward and heard the sound of his laugh - full, not the amused chuckle she so often got over Skype - in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her. Her legs went around his middle and she felt him spin her around, kissing the side of her head because it was the only part of her he could reach.

He shifted her just a little so that she could lean into a real kiss, her lips melting against his and she felt him set her down carefully, deeping it. His hands rested on either side of her face and one of hers reached around to the back of his neck. He wasn't getting away until she let him, and that wasn't going to be anytime soon.

"Echolls, that her?" someone shouted off to the side and Logan reluctantly broke the kiss. He was still grinning and the other man that was wearing the same wings on his uniform that Logan sported gave him a mock salute and a wink, even as a woman slugged him in the shoulder, laughing.

Logan turned his attention back to her. "You got some time?"

"For you, I can make it," she answered.

Somehow his grin grew and he pecked a kiss to the tip of her nose. "Let's get home."

                                                   ---------

Home was a relative term. Logan had been living out of a small, studio-styled guesthouse off of Dick's main house on the beach before he'd shipped out. While Dick had another high school buddy - was there any other kind for Dick Casablancas? - moving in soon, he wasn't there yet and Logan still had run of it for at least his first few days back. If he needed to find a new place was a problem for another day. That night, he was home, Veronica was going to take full advantage of the fact that they had privacy there that they never would have gotten at her father's place. She really hoped one of those apartments she'd been looking at came available soon. This was going to be problematic if they had no place to go other than her dad's place.

Logan's kisses were as desperate as her own as he carried her into the little apartment, his bag forgotten in the car parked outside and she was already tugging his uniform off. It was a blur of motion as they moved towards the bed that she hoped had been made up since the last time she'd been in it. They fell back and Veronica reveled in the fact that he was there with her and that he wouldn't have to leave first thing in the morning.

Some time later she was still reminding herself of that fact as they both lay back, pillows thrown from their place and neither of them wearing anything that they had been before. They were wrapped up in the sheets and she was curled up against him. She ran a bare foot up his leg and his fingers sent chills up her spine as they moved up her back, his touch light and delicate like he was savouring it.

This wasn't their first time back together after nine years apart, but it was the first time where they didn't have something looming over them. If it wasn't a false murder charge and her father in the hospital, it had been his orders to ship out as soon as everything was cleared. Now, back on shore-duty, they had some time. Time that left them lounging in bed, her hands traveling over exposed skin, and Veronica couldn't ignore the scars that she knew hadn't been there years before.

Logan caught her hand as it lingered against one just below his ribs, maybe two inches long, and pulled her fingers up to press a gentle kiss to them. He didn't say anything, but she caught his gaze and held it. "Am I allowed to ask?"

A rough chuckle left him. "You're Veronica Mars. I didn't realize you needed permission to ask anything."

Her fingers curled around his and she pressed herself up on her elbow so that she was looking down at him. His expression was soft. He wasn't going to volunteer anything, but he also wasn't telling her not to ask. He was just waiting on her.

"Where'd you get the scar, Logan?"

He pushed a long breath out from his nose. "About four years ago we were flying over… an undisclosed location -" he offered her an apologetic smile and she nodded the small acceptance - "and we came under fire. Shit happened, we had a hard landing, I took some shrapnel."

"Holy shit," she breathed, her fingers moving back to the scar that stood out against his skin.

"Yeah, wasn't fun, but I bounced back."

"Wallace always said you had nine lives."

His lips tugged outward at that. "I should probably check in on how many I have left."

"What…. happens?" she asked carefully, not sure exactly how she should phrase the question. "When you're on deployment and you get hurt, I mean."

He leaned back a little deeper into his pillow, loosing another breath. He wasn't comfortable with talking about this, that much was clear, but if she were to make a bet on it he wasn't used to it. Logan had never been one to volunteer certain things about his life. If people didn't push, he wouldn't say anything. She'd always been one to push. No stopping it now. If they were going in on this, they were going all in.

"When you enlist you have to give them a next of kin. I mean, technically, mine is Trina, I guess? Hell if I was gonna list her though."

Veronica snorted softly, her fingers moving across his torso to lightly scrap his ribs. She felt him tense at that, but certainly not in a bad way. "So who'd you list?"

Logan grimaced at the question. "Dick."

"Casablancas?" she choked out.

He shrugged. "Listen, I know Dick's an… acquired taste, sometimes, but he's loyal. More loyal than most of the people in my life." He sighed and Veronica felt him tighten his hold on her just a little. "People around me leave in one way or the other. Lilly died, my mom died, Duncan left… I'm not blaming anybody, just…. the way it is. Dick can be an asshole, but if I ever need him he's there."

She lay there for a long moment, her fingers still tracing up and down his side and she let his words soak in. If he had died overseas in these last six months - hell, if he'd been injured - she would have been at the mercy of Dick Casablancas to get her the news. Loyal he might be - at least to Logan - but that wasn't acceptable. Not in the longterm, and she wanted this to be longterm.

"Can you change it?"

"Change what?"

"The person who… I don't know. Gets that call?" Again, she felt like she was floundering for the right terminology. As she'd filtered through the crowd on the docks earlier that day it'd felt like people had been speaking a different language. She hadn't known what the acronyms meant or how to decipher what was being said. It was fine. It had all been in passing. But it wasn't, not really. Not if she was honest about wanting Logan in her life.

"Sure," he answered. "I'd just have to update my file."

"Then do it."

He huffed a small laugh. "Do what?"

"Change it. To me."

He tensed at that, catching her gaze. "Veronica….You'd be listed as my next of kin," he said slowly, as if somehow he thought she didn't understand that.

"I know."

"And you're good with that?"

"Are you?"

His lips twitched upward. "I am, but you..." He sighed. "What if the call comes in the middle of a case? What if you should have your focus on something else and you -"

Veronica leaned down, cutting the words off with a kiss. She felt his hands travel up her sides and pull her deeper into it. "I want you," she breathed out, her lips still dangerously close to his. "And I want you to know when you're out there that you have me to face if you let them hurt you."

Logan chuckled at that, leaning up to steal another kiss. "I love you. I never stopped."

"Me neither," she admitted softly. "I wanted to, but…. I think it was pretty obvious when you called after nine years and I flew cross country."

"I didn't know if you would."

"Yeah you did, you asshole," she laughed, kissing him again. "You knew it."

"I hoped." He shifted, easing her around so that she was on her back and he leaned over her. "You really want me to make the change?"

"I do."

"It's a big step. I know it doesn't sound like it, but -"

"Logan," she breathed, "I'm not going anywhere. Not this time. You and me, we're epic."

He grinned and leaned into the kiss. "Years and continents," he whispered.

"Bloodshed," she answered back and he laughed.

"You do love the bloodshed."

"Because anyone that comes after you -" her fingers danced across the four-year-old scar - "they have to come up against me too."

"And this is how we win the War on Terror," he chuckled as his kisses moved down to her jaw line and her neck.

Veronica wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in closer. This was it. One hundred and eighty days or nine years, it didn't matter. They always came back to each other. This time, though, she was determined that they would stay. She was his family now.

                                                  ---------

Notes:

I actually started on another fic and then this one just sort of tumbled into place as a compilation of a couple of different ideas that ended up fitting together very well. I love the idea of Veronica being listed as his next of kin if anything were to happen and that being a way that she's choosing to support him when she can't physically have his back.

I do feel like I should mention that I am not a member of the Navy, nor are any living members of my family, so there's a better than even chance I'll get a detail or ten wrong along the way, though from what I've heard canon does as well so there's that. :P

[whattoreadinsteadofdrinking]

some little things

It’s been a good day, for a Sunday.  Certainly better than last Sunday, when I woke up for two hours, drank coffee and fed Syd, then went immediately back to bed for most of the day.  Sometimes it be like that.

Today I went on a long walk in the sun and talked to a dear friend in Spain.  Then I dug up my garden, brought in the plants that will be wintering indoors, drank a cold NA beer (a special, special treat) and grocery shopped.  I have ingredients to make a vegetarian taco casserole that will be healthy and fun and honestly the idea of making it at all is making me queasy.  Food just isn’t good to me lately.  It isn’t a body image thing, and I’m not sick-- my roommate’s first question, validly, was “Is your sense of taste gone?” because we are all covid-conscious in this house, thank you very much-- I just am...uninterested in food.  It all seems like a lot of work for no good reason.  This is very weird for me because usually cooking a big meal on Sunday to have for lunch throughout the week, is my favorite activity.  Right now, the thought just makes me feel vaguely ill.  Depression?? Winter blues?  Pandemic stress?  Or just a weird phase?  Who knows.

Teaching right now is just a nightmare.  The amount of pressure they are putting on the teachers to get results out of students is the thesis of why capitalism ruins everything.  I strongly ethically disagree with most of what my school is doing right now.  But I can’t not go in, because, I need health insurance and a paycheck.  And,  I would miss my students.  The fact that this job is the best I’ve ever had and is this poorly run, really says a lot about schools today.  I should give them more credit-- at least we are still virtual.  A lot of places are back now.

Basically I’ve just been lining up my calendar with book releases and projects for the winter, to keep my heart and soul feeling happy and inspired.  Whether it’s the knitting pattern I am looking forward to starting, the books I can’t wait to read, or (finally) finishing the Chris Fleming webseries “Gayle,” having a list of things to look forward to reminds me that the world is still chock full of creativity and joy.  

I’m still sober.  What a miracle.  I have grown a lot since not drinking anymore.  A lot of that growth has involved recognizing and working on the problematic, selfish ways I’ve treated people and things I’ve believed.  It isn’t easy work and I feel like, every layer of growth is accompanied by a corresponding layer of horrified “THAT is what I’ve been doing to cope???” or “THAT is how I treat people when I can’t control them???” with at least a flicker of shame.  I don’t live there anymore though.  It is, as I said, just a flicker.

My dad probably has covid.  He turned a corner and seems to be better-- but it was not good.  

It’s 6:30 but full dark and it makes me so so sleepy.  Instead of sleeping I’m going to 1) actually make that food, which I will need to eat this week even if I am uninterested and queasy, 2) do yoga 3) take a shower with HEAVILY lavender scented soap, 4) go to my zoom AA meeting and show my face.  I can do it, I will do it.  Tomorrow is back to work and it will be just fine.  It all, inevitably, is going to be okay. 

[xiolaperry]

The Piano - Chapter 4

Notes: My Camp NaNoWriMo Project for April 2020.  A Rumbelling of the 1993 movie ‘The Piano’. Has 14 chapters, all are written. I’ll post one every few days as I edit them. The film is gorgeous, if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend that you watch it.

Summary:  Belle French and her daughter arrive in New Zealand to an arranged marriage with Gaston LeGume.  Gaston shows little interest in her or her piano and books. However, Mr. Gold is fascinated…

Rating: E (for smut, dark subject matter and violence in future chapters)

Chapter Note:  There is a brief, one sentence, mention of previous abuse. I wanted to warn for it here for those who don't want to read stories that contain it. 

Also available on AO3. 

--

After his day on the beach with Belle and Tilly, he collapsed into bed, exhausted. Sleep did not come. He tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. Insomnia was a rare visitor. Back in Glasgow, it hadn't mattered if he’d almost killed a man in a bar brawl, donated to an orphan's charity, or evicted a tenant. His slumber was always undisturbed. He had no difficulties sleeping here, either.

Now he stared at the ceiling, its pattern of rough boards visible in the moonlight. Belle's music was a ghost haunting him. He decided the dawn would chase it away.

The sun did not help. Her phantom followed him while he assisted the Maori as a translator for a land deal, gossiped with Granny, and collected rent on a property near the mission. He heard Belle's music in the rustling of the trees and the calls of the birds. He even heard it in the rain's patter on his roof. Was he losing his mind?

It took two days for Gold to concede defeat. He would have to visit Gaston.

The next morning as he walked in the fog, he called himself a fool, ridiculous. Belle and the girl had made an impression on him, and he wanted, no he needed to get past it.

Gaston was chopping wood when he got there. Gold came to the point. “My 50 acres that border your property. What do you think of them?”

“It's good land. Why? Do you want to sell it? I’m short on money right now.”

“I'd like to make a trade.”

“For what?”

“The piano.”

“The one on the beach?”

“Yes. And the books, too.”

“Gold, the music lover and literature appreciator. Who would have guessed?”

“Who indeed. I would need lessons though.”

“I suppose you would. Belle's father told me in a letter she plays very well.”

Gold gave no indication that he knew exactly how well Belle could play. How could his wife's things mean so little? Did he know her at all?

“Do we have a deal?” He held out his hand, and they shook on it.

When he went to bed that night, sleep came as soon as he closed his eyes.

That evening, Gaston sat at the table, excited by his good fortune. He announced that Mr. Gold needed music lessons. Belle stilled, her face questioning.

“On what?” asked Tilly.

“On your piano. Well, now it's his piano. I traded it for 50 acres of his land. Can you believe it? What a deal. Oh, and the books too.” He was oblivious to her fury, high on the idea that he had got the better of Gold in a trade, which was unheard of.

The thump of Belle's fist on the table returned him to the present.

Her hands flew in short impatient gestures. Her eyes snapped blue fire.

“What does she say?”

“She says it's her piano and she won't have him touch it. They are her books, and he can't even READ.”

“He wants to improve himself.”

Belle paced, her fingers continuing to move.

“He’s illiterate and doesn’t appreciate music! I don’t want to teach him.” She punctuated her last signs with a stomp of her foot.

“You will not ruin this for me. You will teach him. And that’s final,” he shouted, pushing away from the table. The chair fell over when he stood. The slam of the door shook the walls.

Outraged by her situation, having no choices again, Belle threw one of the ornate teacups. It shattered, china fragments flying everywhere. Tilly looked at her mother, eyes round. Belle apologized to her as fast as her fingers could form the words. There was no excuse for her behavior, and she was sorry.

“I'm sorry too, Mama. I don't want you to be sad anymore.”

“You are my most precious possession,” she signed. “I miss my piano, but you still make me happy.”

Tilly beamed. She helped her mother search the floor on her hands and knees to find every piece. They disposed of the shards in the waste bin. Hopefully, Cora wouldn't notice one cup was missing.

Gaston strode back and forth outside, too angry to keep still. This marriage business was getting more difficult by the day. The arrangement was not the help to him he had envisioned. Were all women this problematic? His mother had died in childbirth, so his only experience with them was with his Aunt Cora and his cousin Regina. They always made him feel uneasy.

Men were straightforward. You knew where you stood with a man. His father - God rest his soul - taught him what was important. Land, money, and respect. Other men understood that.

He was good at everything, so it would be natural to assume he'd be a capable husband. But what was he supposed to DO with her when she made no sense? Perhaps he should try kissing her. Women liked to be kissed, didn't they?

Gaston sighed. It was a mystery to him. His father had been generous with his fists, not his affection.

In the abstract, he knew that a man like him needed a wife, children. It was expected. A woman to take care of the house, to cook. Children to help him work the land. But in reality, he wondered if the whole thing was more trouble than it was worth.

At least he had gotten another 50 acres out of the deal.

And so it was that Mr. Gold traveled once again to the beach, accompanied by a party of ten men. Kamira asked him if he was crazy. His response, “I’m not paying you to ask questions, dearie,“ was met with good-natured teasing.

Bringing the piano back was difficult. It was awkward and heavy to carry. The weight caused them to sink farther in the mud than usual. While navigating a complicated passage, they dropped it. The discordant complaint it made at the indignity echoed through the trees. Everyone cringed. The glare Gold gave them was warning enough that they did not drop it again.

The trunks of books were easier but still heavy. All the men cursed his name at least once during the trip.

Gold didn't care. He wanted to hear Belle play again, and this was the best way. That idiot Gaston would have left the piano and Belle's books to rot.

After the piano and books were safe in his home and the Maori paid, Gold removed the crating. The salt air had dulled the instrument's luster, but it was still a thing of beauty. Gold appreciated beautiful things. He polished it, starting with the legs, until it shone. The scent of beeswax filled the air. However, when he got to the keys even his untrained ears recognized they didn't sound right.

When he had first latched onto this crazy idea, he had made inquiries. There was a piano at the mission, maintained and kept in tune by an old man from a nearby settlement. Gold had arranged for the tuner, Marco, to work on it. And after that, he could see Belle and experience her magnificent music again. He would indulge himself, and then this absurd infatuation would pass.

The day had come. He re-polished the piano while he waited, and set water to boil on the stove. The tea set was placed on the table, and the porch swept. At last, they arrived.

Belle and her daughter walked in, and she removed her bonnet. Her hair shone in the light. Not wanting to appear overeager, she did not go straight to the piano in the center of the room.

The cottage was clean. Its one sizeable room was a study in contrasts. A rich oriental rug lay on rough, knot-holed floorboards. Against the far wall, a simple rocking chair sat next to a grand bed with an ornately carved headboard. Simple earthenware dishes juxtaposed a delicate blue and white tea set. A black cat sat in an open window, watching them with curiosity.

Mr. Gold offered them tea with the best of manners. “Granny made the scones. I don't bake,” he said, gesturing at a tray.

Belle declined. She was not here to make friends. Tilly devoured them.

She opened the lid and pressed a key, steeling herself for a dissonant noise. The piano would not be in tune. Instead, she heard a clear middle C. She played a few chords and found them perfect. She looked at Mr. Gold in surprise. He smirked and said nothing.

“It's in tune! Mama was sure it wouldn't be,” exclaimed Tilly.

“I'm full of surprises.”

“Mama wants to know what you can play.”

“Nothing at all. I just want to listen.”

“I thought you wanted lessons?”

He would not explain. He couldn't even understand it himself.

Belle sat down. She opened the lid and played. At first the music's tone was belligerent, hard. But despite her intentions, it transitioned into something hopeful. She was too happy to be playing again to stay angry.

Tilly followed Mr. Gold's friendly cat outside. It, and the riot of exotic plants, was far more interesting than watching her mother.

Gold sat and listened to Belle express herself through her music. It filled empty places inside he hadn't known existed. He felt alive. The harmonies ebbed and flowed, as powerful as the ocean. He could listen to her forever.