#but I’d rather post it now than have to wait super late again

[nonetoon]

Week 3 Caught-on-Tober batch!

(Also please ignore some of the black shading around the letters missing I currently have no means to fix it at the moment 😭)

[blackwidownat2814]

It's a Nice Year For a...White Wedding-Pt.1 (J.Seresin)

Pairing: Jake Seresin x female reader, Jake Seresin x Garcia!reader, Jake Seresin x latina!reader, Jake Seresin x plus size!reader

Word Count: 2624

A/N: Written for @roosterforme's 80's Rocktober Playlist Challenge. As you can tell by the title, I chose Billy Idol's "White Wedding". I'm late in posting, I know, but life decided to smack me across the face and steal my inspiration. That is why I'm breaking up the story into two parts. I felt it was better to get something out now (that was good), rather than nothing for a long time. I want to thank my betas, @jobean12-blog & @buckysdollforlife, for looking over what I have and reassuring me that it was indeed flowing perfectly fine.

Triggers: fatphobic moments (but it doesn't go into super detail).

‼️⚠️I do not give permission for any of my work to be copied, translated or reposted anywhere else but on my own blog or on AO3.⚠️‼️

Masterlist

Engagement-Spring

“Dew, trust me, I know EXACTLY where to go on our honeymoon”, Jake declared one day a month after y’all’s engagement.

“Oh?”  You looked at him with an inquiring eyebrow from your place at your desk.

“Yeah darlin’.  You’re going to love it.”

“And what is this honeymoon I’m going to love?”

“Can’t tell ya.  It’s a surprise.”  You pouted as he walked around your desk and leaned on the arms of your office chair, scooting his face closer and closer to yours.

“Not even a little hint?” you asked, batting your eyelashes at him and sticking your bottom lip out even more.  Jake smiled that big Jake Seresin smile of his and he leaned into the kiss.

“Nope.  Not even a little one.”  He stood up and smiled at you again, “I’ll see you later Dew.  Love you!”

“Love you too Hangman!” you called as he jogged out of your office.

“We need to choose a date Jake.”  Your fiancé launched a dart at the board and turned to you.  The two of you were having a fun night out with the rest of the Daggers at the Hard Deck.

“I agree m’dear.  Any ideas?”  He picked up his bottle of Shiner Bock and took a drink.

“I’d like sometime in October”, you countered from your seat on a bar stool near him.  “How about you?”

“I was going to suggest a date in October too, actually.”  He walked up and stood himself between your spread knees.

“Oh really?” you replied coyly.

“Yeah.”  He grinned and leaned into a kiss.  One of your hands slid from where you gripped him on his waist to the back pocket of his jeans.

“OH MY GOD.  Hermanita!  Can you not?!  I’m trying to eat mozzarella sticks here!”  You smiled in the kiss and lifted a hand towards Mickey, and flipped him the bird.

“Shut up Fanboy.  Let your sister be gross with Hangman”, you heard Rooster say to your brother…followed by a smack.  You wondered (as Jake continued to kiss you) who hit your brother upside the head.

“Phoenix!”

“Rooster’s right, let her be”, you heard your friend say.  “But if this starts turning into what I almost saw in her office last week, I’m throwing a pitcher of water at them.”

Your head jerked quickly to the right and you narrowed your eyes at Phoenix, acutely aware that Jake’s lips were now moving against your neck.

“I thought I told you not to mention that.”  She simply shrugged her shoulders at you.  Mickey turned to look at you with a horrified look on his face.

“In your office?!  I visit you there!”

“Oh, relax Fanboy.”  Jake had finally pulled himself away from your neck.  “Just wait ‘til it’s your turn.”

“Never”, your brother said with a huff, and went back to angrily dipping his mozzarella sticks in the marinara sauce.

“Anyways”, Jake said as he looked back at you, “I talked to my mama the other day and she invited us down in a couple weeks to throw us an engagement party.”

“Really?”

“Yup.”  Jake looked up at the rest of the squad, “And all of y’all are invited too, obviously.”

“Aw yeah!  I’ve missed Mama Seresin”, said Javy.  Suddenly, his eyes got big and he smiled like you hadn’t really seen before.  “Is she going to make her banana pudding?”

“She wanted me to tell you that she’s going to have some Tupperware with some for you at the airport.”  Javy let out a whoop in excitement.

“So”, bringing Jake’s attention back to you, “What’s the date you were thinking?”

“If you’re cool with it, how about October 13th?”

“Why that specific day?”

“It’s Navy’s birthday.”  You gave your fiancé a big smile.

“You nerd.”  You gave him a big kiss, ignoring an annoyed groan from Mickey.  “I love it.”

Venue, Wedding Party, and Dress -Summer

You looked up from your latest romance novel to watch your found family going at it in another rousing edition of Dogfight Football.  Rooster pulled back and launched the ball towards Jake, who caught it.  You jumped up to cheer.

“YEAH!  THAT’S MY MAN!!!” you yelled.  “YEAH BAY-BEE!”  Jake gave a little bow in your direction and blew you a kiss (you spied Rooster and Mickey pretending to throw up behind him and started laughing).  A few minutes later, Mav called time and everyone dispersed to their towels.

You dropped into your camp chair, a gift from Jake so you’d be comfortable anytime you came down to the beach with him and the squad…or even just on your own.  The best part about it wasn’t even an original part: your wonderful fiancé had noticed the book sleeve you carried around sometimes and got one custom made to attach to your chair.  You thanked him thoroughly.

Jake plopped down in his own chair next to you and opened a bottle of water to hydrate.

“Whatcha readin’?”

“Mickey bought me the physical copies of Catharina Maura’s books I was missing from my shelf, so I’ve decided to re-read them.  I’m starting with my favorite, Forever After All.”

After a while, everyone made their way over to the Hard Deck’s outside seating to have a group lunch.  Phoenix decided to bring up the latest wedding topic.

“So, have you two decided on a venue?”  You and Jake shook your heads.

“First we thought of having it on my parent’s ranch in Texas, but most of the guest list lives out here.  So now we’re looking into finding somewhere here.”

“Do you have an idea of what you’d like?” asked Mav.

“I want something outside”, you responded.  “That was the original idea for the ranch.”  Mav looked at Penny and shrugged at her.

“How about a beach ceremony?” Penny suggested.  You whipped your head around to Jake.

“My girl’s smilin’ big already.  I think you hit the nail on the head there, Penny.”

“Why don’t you have it out here?  Afterwards, we can do the reception inside”, she added.  “Before you say no, that you don’t want to put me out or something else like that, let me just say we have plenty of space and I’d love to be able to be part of your day like this.”

Jake simply looked at you with a big smile on his face.

“It’s perfect darlin’.  After all, this is where we first met.”

You and Jake decided you wanted to include your found family as much as your actual families in the ceremony.  You more so than him, since the only blood relative you had (and still spoke to) was Mickey.

Jake suggested asking Isla and Jesse if they wanted to be part of the wedding party, so you did a FaceTime call with them.

“HI AUNTIE DEW!”

“Hey my beautiful girls!  How are you?  What are we reading?”  Jesse proceeded to tell you about how she had just started reading the Babysitters Club series and you got pretty excited since it was one of your favorite series’ growing up.  You promised to show her your original copies of the entire series the next time she came to visit.  Isla then started to tell you about the latest picture book she read, Dragons Love Tacos.

“It’s so funny and I love tacos too!  We have the best tacos!” cried Isla.

“Yes we do”, Jake added.  “So, Jesse.  Isla.  Auntie Dew and I are calling because we wanted to ask you if you wanted to be in the wedding.”

You knew Jake had a higher tolerance for loud sounds because he spent his time in jets, but you spent your time in a quiet environment, so when the most ear piercing shriek you’d heard up until that point emanated from your iPad, you assumed you were now deaf.  When your hearing returned, Jake was calming the girls.

“Hey, y’all need to use inside voices, okay?  Don’t want us going deaf, do ya?”

“No Uncle Jake.  Sorry Auntie Dew.”

“It’s no problem girls”, you replied, wiggling your finger around in your ear.

“Can I be a bridesmaid?” asked Jesse.

“Of course my darling!  Once I choose the colors, I’ll let your mama know so you can go dress shopping, okay?”

“Yes ma’am!”  You could both hear Lauren (who was behind the camera) promising Jesse they’d go shopping as soon as you let them know.

“Isla, since your sister wants to be a bridesmaid, I have a special job for you”, you said with a big smile.

“Really Auntie Dew?  What’s my job?”

“I’d like you to help Uncle Mouse and I make it down the aisle to your Uncle Jake.”  You smiled big at Isla’s nickname for your brother, because she was absolutely convinced he was the Disney character thanks to his first name (even if it was technically Miguel).  “Would you like to be our Flower Girl?”

You swore you were going to be deaf if you kept surprising these little girls with anything else throughout their lives.

Once you had Jesse and Isla’s roles set,  you went about putting together the rest of the wedding party.  Because your wedding wasn’t some big blow out affair, the both of you decided on having just one attendant each (besides Jesse and Isla).  Jake obviously chose Javy as his Best Man and you decided on Bob as your Man of Honor, the two of you becoming even better friends since his and Jake’s accidents last year.  Another obvious choice was that your brother would be escorting you down the aisle.

The two of you still wanted to include the rest of your friends somehow and it finally came to you one night while you were wasting time on TikTok.  You showed Jake the video and when he finally stopped laughing, he agreed to your proposition.

“Phoenix, Payback, and Rooster are going to LOVE that.”

The next item on your To-Do List was the most difficult one: dress shopping.  Going shopping for any kind of clothes, let alone a wedding dress, was difficult…especially for a bigger girl.  Jake helped you to learn to love yourself more every single day, but the first couple of trips to bridal salons managed to beat the extra love you’d gained right out of you.  Really, it was your fault because you’d gone on the first couple of appointments alone.  At the first salon, you wandered the shop for almost 15 minutes before any of the salespeople came to ask if you needed help, and when the woman did, she looked at you with a look that basically said What is someone like you doing here?  It was sad, because it was the shop you’d dreamt about going to as a little girl when you were thinking of your dream wedding.  You didn’t tell anyone what had happened that time or the other times.

It wasn’t until you were having an impromptu Girl’s Night with Phoenix while out at the Hard Deck that the topic of your dress came up.

“So Dew, you find a dress yet?”

“Uh no, Phe, I haven’t.”  You took a sad sip from your Pina Colada.  Penny walked up and leaned on the counter in front of you just then and you avoided looking at her or Phoenix so they would see your disappointment.

“Why not?  You need to get a move on!  Altering the dresses takes time you know”, Penny interjected.

“I know!  I know it takes time!”  You had tried keeping the emotions in, but you couldn’t.

“You okay?” questioned Phoenix.

“No!  I’m not okay!  My wedding to the most gorgeous man ever is in a handful of months and I have no dress because every salon I’ve been to up until now has nothing for girls like me or they basically refused to help with a whole ‘We don’t serve your kind here.’ ‘tude!  Like, what is this?!  Mos Eisley and I’m a droid trying to get into the cantina?!  It’s a wonder Jake wants to marry me!”  You ran off before either woman could recover from your outburst.  

You were woken up the next day when someone jumped on you.

“What the f--”

“Time to get up, sleepy head!”  You cracked your eyes open to see Phoenix, Penny, Bob, and your brother all staring at you.

“What in the ever lovin’ hell are y’all doin’ here?”

“Well, hermanita, we’re here to help you dress shop.”

“Huh?”

“Phoenix and I told these two over here about what you said to us yesterday”, added Penny.  “A friend of mine owns a shop that is miles better than the places you’ve been to already.”

“So we’re stealing you away today while Jake, Rooster, Coyote, and Payback look for suits”, added Bob.

“So get out of bed, get dressed, and let’s go shopping!” Phoenix cried.  She and Penny shooed the boys out and waited with them in the living room while you cleaned up and got dressed.

An hour later, the five of you stepped foot into Wildest Dreams Bridal Boutique…and the place really lived up to the name.  Every single dress you saw as you walked in was beyond gorgeous and there were posters of models and mannequins of all sizes.  You were going to find your dress today.

Your party was met by Penny’s friend Kathryn (“Or you can call me Kat, whichever is alright with me!”), who sat you all down on a couch in front of a raised platform and mirror, a la Say Yes to the Dress!.  Shop assistants brought over champagne to your family and friends (with a Coke for Bob) while Kat took you around the shop and asked your preferences (“I definitely need it to have pockets!”) and other questions about the ceremony, like location and time of day.  Once she had what she needed, Kat took you to a changing room where you got into a robe and she returned with several dresses.  

You marched out to the couch area where everyone was and showed off each dress.  By the time you had tried on the seventh dress, you were beginning to lose hope you’d find something.  It wasn’t the fit or that the dresses didn’t look good on you, you just hadn’t had the ‘look at yourself in the mirror and immediately begin crying because this was The Dress’ moment yet.

You were sitting dejected in your robe when Kat came back in with two more dresses on the rolling rack.

“I’m confident it’s going to be one of these two”, she adds with a smile.  “Let’s get you dressed.”

The first dress was gorgeous, and you felt it. Phoenix, Penny, Bob, and Mickey all loved that dress.  Penny was all for that first dress…and you almost said yes.  There was just something missing.

When Kat unzipped and held open the second dress and you stepped into it, you shuddered (in a good way).  Kat watched your reflection in the dressing mirror and stood back in a thoughtful pose.

“There’s still a little something missing.”  She thought for a minute and then suddenly snapped her fingers.  “I know!”

Kat left and came back quickly with some veils.  She quickly put your hair up into a low bun and then pinned the veil in.  Kat moved behind you and picked up the train to walk you out to your family.

When Mickey saw you, his eyes began to glass over with tears.  Bob just sat dumbfounded, mouth hanging open.  Penny and Phoenix had big smiles on their faces.  You stepped up onto the platform and Kat fluffed out the train.

Not a single one of them said a word, because they all knew what you did: this was The Dress you would marry the man of your dreams in.

Part 2 is coming soon!

[the-ragingenby]

AO3 Cross-post:

It’s like a day late, but oh well. Better late than never :3

@flufftober

Prompt: “I Got You” (replaced with Hot Chocolate)

~850 words

Hot Chocolate (Just for you, you addict)

“Alright, Spence. This is an intervention.” Derek announced with a sigh, snatching the coffee mug off Spencer’s desk before he could protest.

“Hey! Stealing my coffee is a new low for you.” Spencer huffed, glaring at Derek. Derek rolled his eyes.

“Be honest. How many cups of coffee have you had today?” He raised an eyebrow as Spencer looked away, laughing nervously.

“You know, who really keeps track of those things…”

“You do.” Derek frowned a little. “Come on, pretty boy. I know you know exactly how many.”

“Seven…and a half. If you’d just let me finish that one.” Spencer reached in vain for the mug that Derek held just out of reach.

“Yeah. No. I’d better tell Hotch we’re heading out early. You need to get some proper rest and not rely on sugar saturated coffee to stay awake.” Derek decided with a nod, ignoring Spencer’s whisper-shouted protest and made his way to Hotch’s office.

“Sorry to bother, Hotch. But Spencer isn’t feeling the best, so I’m taking him home.” Hotch looked up from his work, his hardened expression softening just a little.

“Go right ahead, Morgan.” Hotch gave him a little nod. “We all know how our resident genius is. Take care of him.”

“Yes, sir.” With a respectful dip of his head, Derek slipped from Hotch’s office and made his way back to Spencer who, to his credit, started packing his stuff.

“Now where are you two off to this early?” JJ asked from her desk, eyeing the pair suspiciously.

“Being taken against my will.” Spencer huffed, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder.

“You’re being dramatic.” Derek chuckled, nudging him in the general direction of the elevator. “I’m just making sure he gets some rest, that’s all.”

“Living off of coffee again, Spence?” JJ snickered as Spencer rolled his eyes at her. “See you guys later then.”

Derek thanked her with a laugh and followed after Spencer to the elevator. He had only just pressed the button when there was a yell from somewhere behind him.

“Wait a second!” Derek turned to see Penelope racing down the hall, the best she could in heels. “I know I say this every time, but I think it’s an obligation at this point.” She drew herself up and cleared her throat. “You’d better take super good care of him and better not do anything I wouldn’t do. Also, spoil the shit out of him. Spence, let me know if this hunk for brains tries anything.”

Spencer smiled devilishly. “Of course, Garcia. Glad to have someone on my side.” He shot Derek a glare, though it was more playful than anything.

“Let’s go, pretty boy.” Derek waved to Penelope and nudged Spencer into the elevator, watching the doors close behind them.

Although the BAU knew that Spencer and Derek were a thing, they didn’t know that the two of them were living together. “I’d rather have some time to prepare myself for the inevitable teasing I’ll have to sustain from those guys.” Spencer had admitted when they had first discussed just how much of their relationship they’d like to disclose to their co-workers, their friends.

Derek understood. Even if they meant well, their friends can be a bit much sometimes. Especially Garcia. He sighed, smiling. He still cared about them though.

When Derek unlocked the door, he quickly ushered Spencer to the couch, draping a soft blanket over him. “Now stay put. I’ll be right back.”

“Boooo.” Spencer grumbled, cuddling deeper into the blanket until he was little more than a mop of curls.

Derek could hardly suppress a chuckle as he disappeared into the kitchen, soon returning with a pair of steaming mugs and setting one in front of Spencer, who eyed it suspiciously. “Here.”

“You dragged me home for drinking too much coffee to give me…?”

“Hot chocolate, dummy.” Derek pushed it a little closer, allowing Spencer to gaze down at the mug more easily. It was then that he noticed the swirling whipped cream and handful of marshmallows floating on the surface. “To fuel that sugar addiction of yours.”

“It’s not an addiction, just a preference.” Spencer snorted defensively, though he gratefully took the mug in his hands and took a sip. “Thanks, Derek.” Spencer murmured after a moment.

“Anything for you, pretty boy.” Derek replied easily, settling comfortably beside Spencer as he sipped at his own mug of chocolate. Spencer leaned against Derek, humming contentedly.

“Maybe I should drown myself in coffee if this is what I can get out of it.” Spencer teased. Derek rolled his eyes.

“Try it and I’ll hide all the creamer. Only bitter coffee for you.” Derek retorted easily.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would. Try me.”

“Ugh. You’re so mean.” Spencer grumbled again, setting down his now empty mug on the coffee table.

“Mm. But you love me.” Derek planted a sneaky kiss on Spencer’s forehead before he could dive back beneath the blanket.

“Blehhh.” Spencer stuck out his tongue at him before disappearing under the blanket.

Derek rolled his eyes. “Love you too, Spence.”

[mapofthemazeinthemirror]

So, these are the fics I’ve been working on. They’re all one shots, nothing impressively long, but longer than anything I have written here so far. There are two seperate collections/series containing fantasy, royal, sci-fi and supernatural stories. I’m excited about all of them, but there are a couple that I’m super excited about. But, if I can be honest, I’m a little worried that I’m getting too excited about this project after posting the first instalment, Bound. I’m wondering if maybe this is not a genre people want to read and I’d be better off sticking to slice-of-life type works.

So I guess we’ll call this an interest check. Not all the banners for the second series is complete yet, as you may be able to tell, since I only have a rough outline of the story for some so far. I will still write on them, just not make them as much of a priority if people prefer something else.

Series A: sci-fi/royal

Snippet: His body was so hot it felt as if there was fire burning in his veins. His bones ached. Light was searing through his closed eyelids, as bright as if he was staring open-eyed into the sun. His breathing was deafening in his own ears, and behind that was silence—even the silence was loud.

Snippet: Never in a thousand eons did you think you would be in a situation like this. Having just broken a criminal out of prison, you were crouched in the black of night, waiting for said criminal to swing back around and pick you up in the air-ship you had arrived in. Your body was not thrilled with the situation either; your kneecaps and hands groaning from the long crawl through tight metal airways, your neck strained and your back also complaining. But your body would just have to get used to it. You were a rebel now.

Nothing yet…

Snippet: Standing in the junkyard was like standing in an oasis of opportunity. A wilderness of abandoned parts and scrap metal. It was worth getting up before dawn to beat the peddlers flocked to the place and took all the good gear. The markets sold android parts, of course, but it was always worth perusing the junkyard for any overlooked scraps that might be reused.

Series B - supernatural/fantasy

Snippet: Your magic has been weaker lately, leaving you feeling drained and lacklustre. This occurrence seems to have coincided with the disappearance of your familiar at the last full moon, and he'd never stayed away this long. The empathetic bond you shared with your familiar was strong, and you could sense that something wasn’t right, that your dear companion needed your help.

Snippet: Looking at Taehyun, you could see he was burning up. What you were able to see of his chest with his low neckline was fire red, his brow wet. "Taehyun, what did you see?"

Summary: Beomgyu's been working so hard at his job, he hasn’t been thinking about anything else—not even the moon cycles. When you can't reach him by text message, social media or phone calls, you take it upon yourself to go to the apartment.

Snippet: The thought nagged at him again—or maybe, was it his conscience?—that he shouldn't be this close, that this was not how things were supposed to be done. But he turned his back on that voice of reason. He felt his presence was needed.

Snippet: You spent a lot of your childhood on your father's boat, reluctantly dragged out to sea where he did most of his work. One bright afternoon, you were staring onto the water, wishing to be anywhere else, when you noticed a blur beneath the blue. A head broke the surface, dark but warm eyes smiling at you as a boy held his finger to his lips.

[grandtheftaristotle]

The Hidden Narrative of Midnights

Heyyyyyyy

So in honour of the TS11 announcement (!!!!!) and Midnights winning AOTY (!!!!!!!!) I'm posting this essay I accidentally wrote months ago after relistening to You're Losing Me and finally figuring out how Midnights works as an album

I was SUPER thrown by this album when it first came out and how different it was from the way it was marketed, but after Joever and YLM I think I get it now.

So, below the cut, here's how I make sense of Midnights, the order of the songs, and how it was presented to us.

Enjoy, and I'm sorry.

Okay so I finally listened to You’re Losing Me again and now I’m thinking about it in the wider context of the album

Cause we agree that it kinda redefines the whole thing right? Reframes the album not just as her reminiscing on nights she was up late and for what reasons, but reminiscing specifically about memories that could help her decide whether to stay or move on. She described this love as being golden like daylight on Lover; it makes sense that nighttime is when she has to grapple with the notion of ending it.

So we start with Lavender Haze, which as a title track genuinely makes me insane when I think about the amount of parallels it has to You’re Losing Me. The way it reframes her SO’s quiet demeanour as something positive (“you don’t ever say too much / and you don’t really read into my melancholia”), rather than the nail in the coffin it ultimately was (“do something babe, say something / choose something babe, risk something”), the references to marriage and how inconsequential it is (“I wouldn’t marry me either”), “you don’t really read into my melancholia” vs “how can you say you love someone you can’t tell is dying”, “I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say” vs “a pathological people pleaser”. I could go on.

Next we go to Maroon, which has her thinking back on another breakup that had a significant emotional impact on her (“and I wake with your memory over me / that’s a real fucking legacy to leave”) (I’m also thinking about that in two different ways; their memory as a legacy they left behind [“a real fucking legacy to leave”] and leaving AS a legacy [“a real fucking legacy, to leave”] - the last one could tie into the central conflict). The way the song trails off at the end is kinda like her thoughts trailing off; she doesn’t really come to a conclusion about the whole thing, it’s just a memory. A real fucking legacy to leave, to leave.

Her next thought is “it’s me! Hi! I’m the problem! It’s me!” Anti Hero’s pretty self explanatory; she’s thinking that maybe she’s the problem here; overreacting about the whole thing, trying to get ahead of him leaving her, up late and stressed now that her depression’s taking over. I interpret ‘all the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room’ as referring to the people in the memories she sings about; people she’s broken up with, old friends, even old versions of herself. Did she leave them, or did they leave her? Either way it was probably her fault, she decides.

From there she looks back on when she first fell for her partner; they both fell at the same time, and it was magical, like snow on the beach. Not only was it magical and beautiful, like it was destined to happen, but it shows they were both on the same page. So why can’t they be now?

You’re On Your Own, Kid. This might be one of her heaviest songs, with one of the most stark revelations - “like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss”. This whole time she was hoping that the right love, the right person, would save her and make her feel complete. She thought she found that person, but they haven’t made her feel complete, and now she’s thinking of ending it. Just like the person at the beginning of the song - “I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me”. But they didn’t, and now her current partner doesn’t seem to either. “You’re on your own, kid / you always have been” - that line ends up being comforting. You’ve always been on your own, and you’ve made it here anyway. There’s no reason why you can’t still go far.

Speaking of going far, Midnight Rain kinda plays off the ideas set up in YOYOK in how it refers to a relationship from her youth; before she became famous. She talks about how “he wanted a bride, I was making my own name”; paralleling her reluctance to get married in Lavender Haze and the ultimate revelation that her current partner doesn’t seem to want it. This is kinda where we start to question if she really doesn’t want to get married, or if she’s trying to convince herself she doesn’t. Personally I think it’s a mix of both; around the time Lavender Haze takes place, she was perfectly content to be unmarried and just stay ‘in that lavender haze’, as it were. In the honeymoon phase. I also think that, whether she wanted it or not, the constant speculation was grating on her and made the topic unpleasant. That said, at some point she likely wanted to take things that extra step, but her SO was either very reluctant or very nonchalant about it, leading us here. She looks back on when someone did want to marry her (eventually), but she backed out on them to focus on her career. This might be a case of thinking ‘I chose my career over a relationship; am I simply doing it again?’

Question is similar to Maroon in that it’s looking back on a past relationship for some hint of what to do here. All the questions she wanted to ask her ex (or maybe did), some of which she wants to ask her current partner (“did you wish you put up more of a fight?”) Also thinking of “does it feel like everything’s just second best after that meteor strike”. Very “I promise that you’ll never find another like me” coded. Convincing herself that if the break up did happen, her partner would never find someone better. I will defend ME! with my dying breath.

Now for Vigilante Shit. This one is significantly harder to nail down than all the others; it feels a bit out of place within the narrative and more like a tease for Rep TV. That said I do want to touch on two things: “I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends” aka “I am a confident badass and I will ultimately do what is best for me” and “picture my thick as thieves with your ex wife”. Marriage themes once again, this time with a divorce. Interesting. 

With newfound confidence, she lets herself bejewelled. Once again, this is pretty self explanatory. She can still make the whole place shimmer, even if she doesn’t have a man. But that said, she still wants him in her life. “Familiarity breeds contempt / don’t put me in the basement when I want the penthouse of your heart”. This song isn’t just saying ‘I’m incredible’, it’s saying ‘I’m incredible and I want others to notice, especially this one person’.

(I will take this moment to acknowledge that, yes, Taylor has said this song is about her return to pop music rather than a relationship. However, since I’m looking at these songs through the specific lens of her making a decision about her relationship, I’m reinterpreting it. I realize that this wasn’t the original intention of the song, but I’m setting that aside for the sake of the narrative.)

These last several songs have clearly showed Taylor leaning more toward ‘break up’, with Bejewelled having more of a middle ground perspective. That song now acts as a bridge into the last four songs of the standard edition, which all have her thinking more about the positive aspects of the relationship, all the reasons she wants to save it. We start with Labyrinth, which details the anxiety she felt at the beginning of the relationship and how this person helped her through it (“you would break your back to make me break a smile”). All the effort they put in then, something they clearly aren’t doing now. Another notable line is “I’ll be getting over you my whole life” which connects to “you might just have dealt the final blow” in You’re Losing Me; she feels she may never recover from the potential break up.

Next up we have Karma, which has similar mixed messages to Bejewelled. On one hand, we have the assertion that karma is her boyfriend, a god, the breeze in her hair on the weekend, a relaxing thought, a cat purring in her lap cause it loves her, and she and karma vibe like that. It suggests that if she has karma, she doesn’t need anything else, because it does everything that others can’t. Karma will always be there for her and act in her favour because she always does the right thing, so no matter what decision she makes it will be on her side. But then in the bridge we have her saying “karma is the guy on the screen coming straight home to me”. A quick reminder that karma brought this person into her life, so perhaps they were the right thing all along. If her partner came along at just the right time and has been there for her since, then ending it might not be the right decision.

And now, Sweet Nothing. Ohhhhhhhh dear god Sweet Nothing. First of all, within the narrative. Throughout the album there has been talk of people wanting things from Taylor, be it career related or life related. “I have this dream my daughter in law kills me for the money” “all they keep asking me if if I’m gonna be your bride” “life is emotionally abusive” “I hosted parties and starved my body” (the entirety of YOYOK actually) “he wanted a bride, I was making my own name” “you know how much I hate that everyone expects me to bounce back just like that” and so on. But this song details a relationship where the person doesn’t necessarily want anything from her. It’s all nice and quiet and completely peaceful. And then you remember what she said earlier in Midnight Rain - “he wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain” and the themes in both YOYOK and Bejewelled about wanting to be noticed, and then when you hear You’re Losing Me you’re hit with “do something babe, say something”. And you realize ‘oh shit, maybe that quiet life isn’t entirely what she wants here’. And our hypothetical version of Taylor, who’s thinking about all this in the middle of the night while deciding whether or not to end the relationship, realizes ‘oh shit maybe that quiet life isn’t entirely what I want here’. But she doesn’t come to that conclusion til later, cause right now she’s just caught up in the thrill of being with someone who, for once, doesn’t want anything from her. Only later on will she discover that she might want him to want something from her. 

We finish off the standard edition with Mastermind, which has similar themes to Snow on the Beach, with these two people being on the exact same page at the start of their relationship. Taylor thought she was manipulating everything behind the scenes, because she’s always in control of the situation. And as far as the media’s concerned, she tricks men into dating her just so she can write songs about it later, so she might as well lean into that, right? Except, turns out her partner knew what she was doing the entire time and was totally fine with it. So not only can he read her like a book, but he wants the same thing she does. There’s no need to be concerned about their relationship, cause they’ve always been on the same page. Additionally, there’s a theme of control at play here that leads into the next song; she felt fully in control at the start of their relationship, since she thought she was masterminding the whole thing. But now, she’s losing that control.

Which leads us into Hits Different, the first bonus track. I was debating for a while whether I wanted this before or after the 3am tracks, but I think it fits best here, mainly because of how it aligns with Mastermind. While that song was about her being in control, this song is about her spiralling out of control. I heard someone say it sounds like the Blank Space girl fell in love for the first time and I CANNOT stop thinking about that because it’s SO accurate. Especially with the lines about “switching out these Kens” and “skipping town like an asshole outlaw”. Much like with Mastermind, it seems to lean more into that satirical ‘man-eater’ image she toyed with in Blank Space, in that it sounds like someone who has never had their heart broken before and is having a full blown CRISIS about it. And while that’s not the kind of person Taylor is, it does show just how much this is affecting her; that the prospect of this breakup is hitting her harder than any she’s previously had. 

Now onto the 3am tracks. The Great War is pretty self explanatory; same vibe as Snow on the Beach and Labyrinth of “we did it then, why can’t we do it now?” The one thing I will touch on is the lines at the end of the bridge - “that was the night I nearly lost you / I really thought I lost you”. Calls back to Maroon (“and I lost you”), and parallels You’re Losing Me. She was able to step back and examine the situation and realize she was losing him, but he’s unable to do the same while he’s losing her.

Bigger Than The Whole Sky as a song has a couple of popular interpretations; one that it’s about a miscarriage, and one that’s it’s about the loss of who Taylor was before JM. I’m partial to the first reading, but the second one works best with this narrative (and was more likely Taylor’s intent in my opinion). The idea that this relationship fucked her up so bad that she’s actively mourning who she was before it is honestly devastating, and it makes sense that she would worry about the same thing happening if she leaves her current partner, since they’ve been together for so long. It’s possible that this song is also mourning the life she will never have with him if they ultimately break up, which I could go further with but I think it’s best if I leave it there. 

Paris is another song that becomes a lot sadder when you view it from this angle. Specifically, the line “I want to brainwash you into loving me forever”; when you consider just how much she wants for the relationship to work and the degree to which she’s trying to convince herself it’ll be okay, the desperation in this line becomes exceedingly obvious. I also really love how it just trails off at the end. Given how energetic most of this song is, a traditional pop ‘quiet chorus LOUD CHORUS’ ending would make the most sense. And we do get that quiet chorus, but no loud one to follow it up. The way she carefully improvs and repeats the lines at the end makes it sound like she’s biding time waiting for the music to jump back in again, but it never does. She’s waiting for that spark of magic to return, but it doesn’t. Instead the mid tempo vibe continues into…

High Infidelity! Finally after all these years we get some answers about the Calcium situation! With the end of Paris, it’s like she was actively trying to avoid revisiting this memory, but it came back all the same. And if I can be real for a second here, this is, in my opinion, one of the best songs she’s ever written. But anyway, this song tells us about the last time she was in a relationship headed for marriage, but in this case she very much did not want it to happen. She also explains how she cheated on her partner, either literally or emotionally, and how this new person ‘brought her back to life’. This song does two things; it describes a relationship where leaving was the best option because her partner didn’t take the time to notice or know her (“I’d pay if you’d just know me” is VERY You’re Losing Me coded), and explains how another person made her feel special and alive again while she was being stifled. If we assume her current partner was ‘the other person’, then this song also holds the mixed messages of Bejewelled and Karma. He brought her out of this stifling relationship; there’s no way he brought her into another one. He knew what that was like for her, he’d never act that way even accidentally, right?

It’s official: there’s been a glitch. This song is fascinating to me because a glitch is typically a negative thing, but here it’s being framed as a positive. Very ‘I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this’ coded. But at the same time, some glitches only exist for a short time before getting resolved, like a blip. So this song can be viewed in a few ways; their relationship started because of a glitch, their current problems are because of a glitch (the way he’s acting now conflicting with how their relationship started), or their relationship IS the glitch, and it’s slowly getting resolved, meaning it will be ending soon. While the first one is definitively what the song is about, the last two could show the headspace she’s in while looking back on it. That’s what I mean with all the songs really; what they’re about doesn’t change, but by examining their order we can eke out a thought process that caused her to look back on these memories.

And now we get to Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve. Easily one of the most harrowing songs in Taylor’s discography, with its anger, desperation, and overwhelming aura of regret. Oddly enough, I have a hard time placing this relative to the other songs; I feel like it’s where my ‘thought process’ theory gets a little shaky. Unlike the other songs, where I could work certain parts into the current situation, it’s very hard to do that with this song because I feel like it almost downplays what it’s really about. The closest I came to this issue previously was with Bigger Than The Whole Sky; because I hear that song and think of a miscarriage, it was hard to separate it from that interpretation in my mind. But I’d argue it’s more difficult with WCS, because we know definitively what it’s about, while we don’t know for sure what BTTWS is about. These two songs are already connected; the alternative theory for BTTWS is that it’s her saying goodbye to the person she was before the relationship. But even then, it’s still a theory. 

My only real idea for how WCS connects to the timeline is that it’s her thinking back on a relationship that fundamentally changed her. The things she says in the song makes it clear that this relationship has haunted her for years after it happened, and that maybe it affects her perception of love now. It’s a memory she felt she had to go back to in order to make a decision about her current one, but she doesn’t come away with any real conclusions about it, except for the fact that it still bothers her to this day. Unlike her current one, she didn’t get anything good out of that relationship, nothing that makes her glad she went through it. I’m thinking about an interview she gave during the 1989 era, about how she came to realize that just because a relationship wasn’t built to last doesn’t mean it wasn’t special while it was there. It’s something I think she’s come to embrace in recent years and songs; the idea that you can appreciate the good times you had with a person even if it didn’t end well. But in WCS, there’s none of that. There was nothing good, no good memories, nothing salvageable in that relationship. Just a wound that won’t close, lost girlhood, stained glass windows in her mind.

…well that was a bit of a ramble.

So we’ll assume that WCS is her looking back on a relationship that deeply affected her, and that it’s more a byproduct of looking back on all these memories. She was bound to end up there eventually the deeper she went into her thought process; at the very bottom, she found the cathedral where it all went wrong.

And now, the last track before our grand finale. Dear Reader.

You know, I try really hard to not read too far into Taylor’s songs. Especially since folkmore, I do my best not to assume everything she writes matches up exactly with what’s going on in her life. But man, the first time I heard Dear Reader, I got this sinking feeling that everything with Joe wasn’t what it seemed.

Just that bridge. It breaks my heart a little every time I hear it, and it really drives home the point that we truly never really know what’s going on in her life. “You wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking / if you knew where I was walking / to a house not a home all alone cause nobody’s there”. Listening to all the love songs on this album, we never would’ve known something was wrong. She’s built a career off of being so open about her life in her music, but there are some things she’s just not ready to share She seems to think no one would listen to her thoughts on love if we knew her relationship was on the rocks. “You should find another guiding light / but I shine so bright”. Despite all this, she’ll never stop writing music and sharing certain parts of her life with us. Not her whole life, but what she’s ready for us to hear.

That’s why You’re Losing Me didn’t come out right away. She wasn’t ready for us to hear it in 2022, but she was in 2023, after the news broke. I find it interesting how Dear Reader is kinda saying ‘you don’t really know my life and you don’t know everything I’m going through’ and You’re Losing Me follows it up by showing us why. 

You’re Losing Me parallels nearly every song on Midnights. Some of them are admittedly stretches, and I don’t have time to list them all here, but here are some examples:

“You say I don’t understand and I say I know you don’t” / “Saw the wide smirk on your face, you knew the entire time”

“I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes” / “Ask me why so many fade but I’m still here”

“Stop, you’re losing me” / “Oh no, I’m falling in love”

“How can you say you love someone you can’t tell has died?” / “There’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough”

“All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier” / “Soldier down on that icy ground looked up at me with honour and truth”

“I’m the best thing at this party” / “When I walk in the room I can still make the whole place shimmer”

“A pathological people pleaser” / “Argumentative antithetical dream girl”

“Who only wanted you to see her” / “I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me”

“Do something babe, say something” / “I find myself running home to your sweet nothing”

“Lose something babe, risk something” / “He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain”

“I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore.” It’s the culmination of the whole night. The moment she looks at the clock and sees it’s 7am. Time to face the reality and make the decision she’s been building to all this time.

I feel kinda bad making this analysis, because it feels like I’m trying to make the album sad so I’ll care about it more. But the fact is that this becomes a stronger body of work (at least for me) with this throughline. It makes the boppier songs make more sense for an album that’s supposed to be so melancholic. I was so confused when I heard songs like Bejewelled and Karma for the first time cause the way she presented the album to us made it sound a LOT darker than some of these songs. But when you look at it like this, that she’s grappling with such a big decision and that’s her reason for revisiting these more upbeat memories, it all starts to come together, and the darker presentation makes more sense.

Not all these songs need to be sad. Taylor isn’t always sad. Her music doesn’t need to be sad for me to like it. It’s just the vibes of the album compared to the sound that threw me off. But when I view it through this lens, I kinda get it now. Midnights is still at the bottom of my album ranking; probably will be for a while. But I have a greater appreciation for it after puzzling out this narrative.

[rhaenyyras]

snippet from my new steddie fic (to be posted soon) ✨ where steve & eddie mess around for fun and eventually realize it means Something🙃

Steve wordlessly settles next to him, pops the cigarette in and lights it. Eddie's still fidgeting with the beer can when Steve passes him the lit cigarette. He takes Eddie's hands, still trembling, and gently places the cigarette between his fingers. 

"You wanna talk about it?" Steve asks carefully.

Eddie shrugs like it's no big deal and takes a drag of the cigarette. He could really use some more weed but for now this will have to do. He exhales a cloud of smoke into the air and passes Steve the cigarette.

"Yeah. I mean, obviously I haven’t forgotten that you played basketball." Eddie quips back, even smiles and everything. "Look at your arms, man. I think that it's pretty obvious you were into sports."

Steve can't help it, he laughs even though he really is trying to be serious about this and be there for Eddie. Only thing is, Eddie's not sure if that’s what he needs. Lately it feels like all he ever does is talk about it and weigh Steve down when he's already got his own shit going on.

Eddie knows that's what friends are for, but he's still getting used to this side of it. The part where they almost all died, and Eddie was sure he did die, and he's still figuring out how to come back from that. 

By his side, Steve sighs and slides the cigarette back into Eddie's hand. He lingers this time though, his fingers gently tapping against the length of Eddie's thumb.

One of Steve's gestures to let Eddie know he's there.

"Eddieee." Steve turns to him. "You can't distract me with compliments."

"Come on, man. We both know that's not true." Eddie says, slowly smiling. "It's like a carrot on a stick for you, Harrington. You'll always chase it."

Steve smiles at Eddie, pretty fondly actually, then he takes a long sip of beer. Eddie does the same before he hands the cigarette to Steve. It's burned down halfway now, orange embers glowing in the dark.  For a minute or two, it gets quiet again. Eddie focuses on the familiar distraction of Black Sabbath playing while Steve inhales on the cigarette then hands it to Eddie. 

"Bad dreams again?" Steve asks.

Eddie sighs. He can’t lie to Steve.

"On and off. You?"

Steve nods through a weary exhale. He seems to slump back further, resting his head against the wall and staring up at the ceiling. Eddie follows his gaze and says nothing for a while, waits for Steve to find the words. 

"Me too. They were getting better, but now..They're back.” Steve admits quietly. Then after a pause, he turns to Eddie. "Wanna talk about yours?"

Eddie scrunches up his nose. Of course he wants to talk to Steve, feels relieved they can find comfort together, talk about their shared trauma. But Eddie doesn't really feel like talking about it tonight. 

"Not really." Eddie says, pauses then adds, "I’d rather hear about how your date went last night with—"

Steve pretty much jumps forward with surprise as if it was super top secret information he had a date. As much as it stings to talk about Steve going on dates with girls, this is the kinda stuff friends talk about. 

So Eddie goes along with it. He drinks a little more beer than he probably should just to make it more bearable. Hopefully it'll also make him forget about the whole having a crush on Steve thing for a while.

[caseyqdilla]

My MS Journey

Hello again! This isn’t a fic like I’ve been posting lately, but I wanted to post about the process that led to my diagnosis. I want to post this not only for myself, but for anyone else that may be going through this as well to hopefully shed light on the process from a perspective that people can relate to better. Being that I would look up what things were that I didn't understand or wanted to know the process beforehand I was usually met with the medical terminology; as smart as I am, when it comes to this kind of stuff I would just prefer it to be in laymen's terms.

So I hope this helps someone that is going through the same thing that I went through. I'm always happy to answer questions to the best of my ability, I will also add a few parts to this as well so it isn't too terribly long.

Sending you love and positivity, the journey is scary but you can do this! You're a badass!

Warnings: mentions of medical procedures, blood mentioned (in the capacity of it being drawn for testing), vision loss/low vision, and anxiety/fear are mentioned.

I hope this has helps someone that may be going through this experience as well. If you have any quesitons concerning MS, understanding your diagnosis, or the process of being diagnosed please reach out to a medical professional. My experiences are only meant to serve as peer support so you can understand the process from a perspective of someone that has already gone through these procedures.

While I haven’t been diagnosed with MS very long, I do have some things that I’ve learned are associated with it. Some are temporary, but there are a few that I’ve come to terms with the very real possibility that it’ll be permanent. The main one that’s been a hinderance that has not been one to go away is Optic Neuritis, for those that don’t know (because I was definitely one that didn’t) Optic Neuritis is swelling of the optic nerve. It sounds painful, but my experience it hasn’t been; it’s mainly been an inconvenience more than anything. There’s things that I used to be able to do that I no longer can or if I do, I have to be extra cautious whilst doing so. It started slow, I was doing haunted tours in Savannah, Ga where I would be able to walk around and tell the history of the beautiful city and make it fun. I noticed that it was more difficult to see out of my right eye when it was dark, it was almost like when there was no light I was basically blind in my right eye; which losing my vision is one of my biggest fears. Since I wore contacts all the time I just thought maybe I needed to take a break from that and wear my glasses, but when it didn’t subside I knew it was time to bring it up to my doctor, hopefully they’d just tell me to not wear my contacts for like a week or two then I’d be cured; wishful thinking on my behalf.

When I went to my primary physician and told them the symptoms the best I could, it’s really hard to describe when you don’t know exactly what’s happening or have any kind of inclination of what it may be. She recommended that I go see a neurologist, which made me super nervous; it made everything feel more serious as I booked an appointment with them. so began the waiting game unfortunately since they were so far booked out, but they had a cancellation so I got in earlier than anticipated. Which made me feel a little better knowing that I would hopefully get answers sooner rather than later. Little did I know, it was just the beginning of a long process a process that I thankfully didn't have to go through alone; knowing my family would be there for me no matter what the outcome would be.

Now there aren't many things that give me genuine fear, anxiety yeah of course; I'm an anxious bitch, but when I found out that Optic Neuritis is a symptom that is commonly associated with MS, I was terrified. All the thoughts I associated with a disease like MS bubbling to the surface and just stayed on my mind all the time as I waited for a test that the neurologist wanted to perform to try to rule out MS.

The very first thing the neurologist had me do was to get an MRI done, which for me meant that I had to prepare for it. What I mean by that is that I had to go and get retainers put in for most of my piercings cause I was afraid of them closing up if I simply took out the jewelry. It's not the worst test, unless you're claustrophobic, which if you are and you have a good team doing your MRI they will give you ways to prepare for it beforehand so that you won't be too uncomfortable. The worst thing for me was the cage they put your head in since they were needing to do a scan of my head.

So the results came back and normally if they're not bad then you get a call just saying, "Hey they're normal so followup in like a month or whatever." (Obviously they're not going to talk to you like that, but you get the picture.) However, I got a call to schedule an appointment to go over my results. He told me that they saw white spots on part of my brain, but I also have a piercing (it's a dermal on my right cheek below my eye) on that side that I was unable to remove so they had to do another test to make to further eliminate or confirm the diagnosis he was suspecting.

The second test that I had to do first was called a provoked potential test, without going into all the medical terminology (because lets face it, I'm not a doctor and will 100% get all that crap wrong). Basically it's a test where you get sensors attached to your head, there's something else they put on you but for the life of me I can't remember what it was, and you have to watch a center focal point on the screen and whenever you see something you push a button on the remote they give you. (Again I could be remembering this wrong and I apologize if I do, I promise you the test sounds daunting cause of the long ass name, but it is quite literally probably the most boring medical test you can take aside from the ADHD test you take at a psychologist's office.) I wanna say I was there for about 2 hours I know they had to redo parts of it a few times cause my hair kept getting in the way and throwing off the sensors.

The last test after that was a lumbar puncture, also quick side note, most of these tests come with a complimentary blood test with them, so there's that too. Also, you can't drive yourself to the test and you can't drive I think it was either 12 or 24 hours after the procedure until the puncture they have to make essentially closes up, they'll tell you all the side effects that are possible as well as precautions, but just so you know especially if you're someone like me that prefers to do things alone. (However, I am extremely happy that my mom went with me because she eased my anxiety so much, just knowing that she was in the other room. They won't let anyone in there with you since its a sterile environment.) So after I got my blood drawn for what seemed like the millionth time, I had to lay on a motorized table so they can adjust for the height, angle, and whatever else they may need to perform the test. Before I got on the table I had to take off my shirt along with my sports bra, and pull my pants down so they access to the base of my spine without me having to get completely nakey (cause it was cold af in that room). You're given one of those flimsy hospital pillows to get as comfortable as you can. Once you're comfortable and they adjusted the table, they'll clean the area with what I assume was iodine given the color that it was on his glove. After the area is clean, they'll go ahead and numb you, I don't think they used an IV or anything; I'm pretty sure it was just a syringe of anesthesia I tried not to pay attention and spoke to the nurse that was in there with me to assist during the procedure the entire time to keep my mind occupied. Much like any procedure when you're needing to be numbed or given any kind of local anesthetic to numb the area but stay awake they'll tell you if you feel any sharp pain to let them know so that they're able to administer more and keep you as comfortable as possible. Sometimes though when you're experiencing something new, your body won't know the difference between pain and pressure; so if you feel anything that makes you nervous or uncomfortable just let whoever is performing the procedure know and normally they will ask you to describe the sensation as best you can so they can better determine 1) where to put more numbing or 2) if you're feeling the sensation of pressure as you're experiencing something new. Once that's all figured out and you're all prepped, they'll insert a guiding tool to allow them access to your spinal column to extract the spinal fluid they'll be testing.

Once they get what they're needing, you'll be patched up, it's like a gauze and surgical tape they put over the opening that they had to create to get the fluid. After you're all patched up they'll give you the instructions letting you know that you essentially can't do a whole lot for the next 12-24 hours until the puncture closes up for fear of some of the fluid leaking out and causing unwanted side effects such as migraines (I can't remember the other ones honestly.)

Then just like the other tests, it's a waiting game once again. Waiting for the results to come back and see if you have the antibodies that are present in MS patients. If you are going through this, I hope and pray that your results are negative; if they're positive though just know that there are some resources out there for you, should you need them.

In conclusion, I fell like I'm writing an essay for a lit class with that start haha, my results came back and I do have those antibodies that are present in MS patients. So after that I was officially diagnosed with MS in November last year. Yeah it was scary, but I think not knowing and things getting worse would have been even scarier.

I would just like to reiterate that if you have any quesitons concerning MS or understanding your diagnosis, please reach out to a medical professional. My experiences are only meant to serve as peer support, so you can understand the process from a perspective that has already gone through these procedures.

[diaryofalamb]

Jesus Christ, I expected my periods would be irregular for a bit after the surgery due to the weight loss and whatnot but my shit has been regulating with no problem. Before the surgery and before I got on birth control I was pretty regular, my period would come maybe like a day early or a day late depending on my stress but it would always show and stay for about four days. When I was on birth control, I stopped having the monthly bleeds and when I got off it (like January 2023) it took three months before I had my first bleed then I bled like two months after that. After surgery, it’s like I restarted my cycle. As in, soon as I got home from the hospital my period started, then a month and one week later my period again, and then exactly 28 days later it came again. I’m grateful for my health, I’m grateful for all the wonderful things my body can do for me, but DUDE. Seriously?! You couldn’t have waited maybe three months before making me worry about having menstruating stock everywhere I go?

With my time of the month now logged into the books where I can get prepared for it, I need to hold off on incorporating new foods into my diet during that week and a few days after because I can’t tell if I’ve been throwing up because of the food I’m eating or because my body is experiencing hormones and such. The emotional part is easy to tell why, but I had been waking up coughing and with the need to throw up (which I usually do minutes if not seconds after waking up) for the last three or four nights. I had this before soon after surgery, which I started taking medication for to ease the stomach acid building up and was working until now. If anyone is reading this and concerned, don’t be. If it continues past this week, I’ll head into my surgeons office and ask them to look into it but for today I will be having soup (nothing spicy or sour, just mild soup, what some might call dull) and possibly mashed potatoes or protein shakes to not irritate my stomach too much. I’ll also have my last meal at 7:30 at the latest and head to bed at 10 just so my stomach can properly digest it with enough time to do so.

I’ve been more active in my job, more passionate I believe so. There’s lots of things we’re planning for and events to do but so little of us. I’ve been able to keep myself somewhat active at work, with walking to the nearby store or restaurants to get lunch or for the hell of it. I’ve found myself at times making excuses to get up and walk around or to do something such as lifting or carrying. There are still times when I feel like I don’t want to get up to do something, whether it’s getting up to grab a remote or change the laundry or what have you, but for different reasons than in the past. If there’s talk of going somewhere that’s relatively close by, such as a store down the street or a 6 minute walk, I feel a preference to walk it rather than drive it. I don’t know, does that make sense?

I’ve gotten closer to A’s family I feel like. I partook in an event with them, a local outing and dinner afterwards, and I’ve been spending more time with my dads family, I’m actually going out of the country for a few days to visit my aunt and cousins on his side and I’m super excited. On my moms side, I don’t feel like my relationship has changed much. I love that side of my family, they’re wonderful and kind people, but I kind of always felt like they were ashamed of me. I thought that if I lost weight because of this surgery they would treat me differently, nothing major just slight differences but I’m not sure. I do want to plan a trip to see my moms side in person, I miss my baby cousins and my grandparents and my aunts, but I’m not too sure when I’d be able to go.

Anyways, I meant to give an update earlier and there are a few things I forgot to put into this that I meant to write about but I can just do another post. Probably a shorter update mainly about the eating and exercise and whatnot. I don’t know, we’ll see

[shemarmooresfedora]

Can’t Be Your Secret Anymore

Summary: You hardly expected the next time you saw Spencer after your big fight is him coming out of an ambulance on a stretcher.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Nurse!Fem!Reader

Content/Warnings: one swear word, arguing, hospitals, fluffy ending!

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N: this is an anon request!!! anon, i hope i did your wonderful request justice! my asks are always open for anything (random concepts, full-fleshed ideas, or just random thoughts/questions)

Masterlist

“Sorry, I’m home late, sweetheart. The team wanted to go out for drinks after work and then Savannah wouldn’t let me leave until I did karaoke,” Spencer chuckled, “Luckily, she was drunk enough that I slipped out without ever having to fulfill my promise.”

Spencer’s smile faded once he realized you weren’t smiling too.

“Why did Savannah get to go but I can’t? We have been dating longer than her and Derek,” you huffed, crossing your arms.

“Baby, it’s not the same thing…” Spencer began to say.

You shot up from the couch, “It is too the same thing, Spencer. I have asked you at least 5 times to meet your team and you always say it’s not the right time. When will it be the right time, Spencer? A year? Ten? I can’t wait around until you decide I’m good enough for your friends,” you began walking around his apartment, collecting your things.

“No, Y/N. Please stay. You can meet them! You can meet them, I swear! Please don’t go,” Spencer desperately begged.

“I never wanted a pity invite,” you sighed, “Goodbye, Spencer. Call me if you would finally like to commit to me for once.”

The gentle closing of his apartment door cracked Spencer’s heart in half. He snuck out early from the bar in hopes of being cuddled up with you but now he was all alone.

-

A week. It had been a week since you walked out of Spencer’s apartment only to be met with radio silence. If you were being honest, you hadn’t really expected Spencer to make no attempt to get back together with you. But if he really didn’t want you back, you needed to start moving on with your life.

“Y/N, we’ve got an incoming ambulance,” Linda, the other on-call ER nurse said, snapping you out of your daze.

You jogged out to the ambulance bay, suiting up with rubber gloves.

The ambulance screeched to a halt outside the entrance as the paramedics unloaded the stretcher.

“White male. Early 30’s. GSW to the neck. Pulse is thready,” the paramedic stated.

The patient’s eyes opened slightly for just a second and they locked with yours.

“Spencer,” you whispered under your breath as his eyes closed again.

You and Linda rolled him up the OR before returning back to the ER floor. You took a seat at the desk and put your head in your hands. You were trying to control your breathing because being in the elevator with your barely alive ex-boyfriend was not how you expected this night to go.

“Do you know Reid?”

Your head snapped up to the muscular man that travelled in the ambulance with him.

“What?” you asked, even though you heard him the first time.

“It sounded like you said ‘Spencer’ when you pulled him out of the ambulance. I was just asking if you knew him,” Derek said.

“Um, kind of. We have a mutual friend so I’ve seen him around but I really don’t know him that well,” you lied.

It pained you to say that you didn’t know Spencer well at all when he was fighting for his life in surgery but then again, did you really? The mutual friend technically wasn’t a lie because you guys were set up by Patricia, a librarian, because you were the only two people under 60 that came into the library regularly.

Derek didn’t seem to be convinced but he nodded and stepped away regardless.

When the head surgeon working on Spencer came out, you purposely pretended to be doing a task close to where his whole team had gathered.

“Dr. Reid is expected to make a full recovery,” you heard, you let out an instant exhale of relief, “He is in Room E105 if you would like to see him now.”

Shit. That was the wing you were in charge of post-op for. The surgeon found you and handed you the clipboard of Spencer’s file before returning back upstairs.

You slowly made your way to the room. Thank god, you could see he was still unconscious through the door. You knocked lightly on the open door to alert the team of your presence.

“Hi, I’m Nurse Y/L/N. I’m in charge of Spenc-I mean Dr. Reid’s post-op. I just need to check his vitals real quick,” you informed them.

A blonde woman with bright bold clothing that you assumed was Penelope, based on what Spencer told you, backed away from Spencer to give you room to work, “Do whatever you need to do, sweetheart.”

That sent a pang through your chest. Spencer always called you ‘sweetheart’ but maybe that was just because he could never bring himself to call you ‘love’.

“He’s all set. I’ll be back in an hour,” you flashed a polite smile before quickly leaving the room that felt like it was suffocating you.

“Thank you!” Penelope called after you.

-

An hour later, you picked up Spencer’s clipboard once again and headed to his room, stopping in your tracks when you saw he was awake.

You made brief eye contact before you whipped around and speed-walked back down the hall.

“Linda, can you take my patient in E105 please?” you pleaded.

“Is it super gross?” she cringed.

“No, it’s just someone I’d rather not talk to right now. It’s just a vital check for a post-op GSW,” you informed her, “I’ll let you take an extra 5 minutes on break and I’ll do all the bedpan changes.”

“Fine,” Linda grabbed the clipboard and headed to Spencer’s room.

Linda decided to take her slightly longer break right after doing Spencer’s post-op. So when his ‘call nurse’ button started rapidly going off, you had no one to turn to.

You sprinted down the hallway to his room and quickly opened the door to see him sitting up, perfectly fine with the remote in his hand.

“Are you dying?” you asked flatly.

“Without you, yes I am,” Spencer replied.

You rolled your eyes and let out a humorless chuckle before heading to the door once again.

“Wait, Y/N!” he urged.

You didn’t turn around until you heard a ripping sound followed by a loud ‘ow’. When you turned around, you saw Spencer had pulled his bandage half off.

“Spencer! Why did you do that? I have other patients to tend to,” you grabbed the roll of gauze on the table.

“Now you have to listen to me as you reapply my gauze,” Spencer explained.

“Where did your team go? Can’t you bother them?” you huffed.

“You met them?”

“Don’t worry. I said I barely knew you through a mutual friend. I know how terrible it would be for you if they found out you were dating me,” you assured him.

“No, no! That’s not what I want. I want to scream from the rooftops that you’re my girlfriend. I just get scared that once we make it official to everyone, it will be even harder when I lose you,” Spencer admitted.

“Why do you think you’re going to lose me?”

“Because you’re way out of my league. Sometimes I still think you’re just a figment of my imagination and this couldn’t possibly be real,” Spencer confessed.

“Spencer, you’re a hot genius FBI agent. If anybody is out of anybody’s league, it’s you.”

“And you’re a hot ER nurse who probably saves more lives than I do on a daily basis and...I love you.”

Your breath hitched in your throat, he finally said it. A sign of commitment.

“I love you too,” you spoke softly, gently pressing down the last strip of gauze on his neck.

You heard chattering approaching and the whole team appeared at the door with food and drinks in their hand.

“Alright, Dr. Reid,” you shot up from the edge of the bed, “Your gauze is all set. Press the button again if you have any other complications. Enjoy your dinner. Remember only jell-o or soup,” you headed to the door.

“Y/N, wait,” Spencer grabbed your wrist before you got very far and then interlocked your hand with his, “Guys, this is my beautiful and amazing girlfriend, Y/N, who I love very much.”

“Um-hi,” you waved.

Derek looked between the both of you and grinned.

“We were just going to have some dinner if you would like to join us, Y/N,” Penelope offered.

“Sure! Let me just tell Linda I’m taking my break,” you smiled.

You tried to leave again but Spencer still wouldn’t let your hand go.

“Spence, I’ll be right back,” you promised.

“I need a kiss before you go,” he grinned.

You rolled your eyes playfully before leaning down to give him a loving kiss that made up for all the kisses you lost over the past week.

taglist (just ask to be added or removed): @samuel-de-champagne-problems @g0lden-cth @spencerreid9 @averyhotchner @coldlilheart @k-k0129 @ickleronniekinsemotionalrange @harrystylesandthegoobs @cmily @jswessie187 @rem-ariiana

[miscelunaaa]

spin cycle 5 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x female reader

genre: drabble series, slow burn, idiots to lovers, fluff, lil bit of angst, eventual smut

summary: This random guy has started doing laundry at your favorite laundromat each week (at the same time as you, no less!) and to be honest, it’s going to be a problem. You’re just not sure how yet.

rating: 18+ for eventual smut

word count: less than 500

warnings: A wild namjoon appears. Boys with girl problems. Swearing, as always.

notes: Hello again! Not sure who all might’ve seen it yesterday, but I posted an update about plotting out the rest of this. It’s a whopping 18 index cards which means it’s time to strap in for the long haul. The slow burn is real! Let’s hope I can make it as delicious and delightful as possible. Also, shout out to @thatlongspringnight and @namjin-fangirling-again for helping answer some highly scientific questions I had while working on future chapters 👀 I really appreciate your help! As always, thank you so much for reading. Please drop a comment or an ask if you’d like. I’d love to hear from you :)

series masterlist | read on ao3

previous | next

“You did what?”

“I folded her laundry.”

“You folded a complete stranger’s laundry? In public?”

Jungkook shrugs at his roommate. “Yeah. Why, is that weird?”

Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose before sighing, “Yes, that’s weird as hell!”

“What was I supposed to do? Let it get weird and gross in the washer? She fell asleep and like super hard too, I didn’t want her to have to wash it all again!”

“Wait, so you put it in the dryer for her and then folded it?”

Jungkook nods, watching as Namjoon gnaws on his bottom lip. The man only just got home, and he’s been acting weird lately. Instead of talking about his own catching-feelings debacle, Namjoon is deflecting, choosing to focus on the events of Jungkook’s evening rather than those of his own.

To be honest, Jungkook wants the help.

He doesn’t think you’re a problem, per se. He just doesn’t know how to approach you at all.

“A few hours were not going to make or break her laundry, you nerd. You like her, don’t you?”

Namjoon is good at going for what he wants. Jungkook is also good at it, in his own way. He’s worked hard for his body, his art, his job … He’s just so shy that he’s not good at going for people he wants. But he’s got little ways of trying.

When he first met Namjoon, back in high school, he’d been so in awe of this tall, lanky, brainy kid that all he’d managed to say was “thighs” because that’s what he’d been looking at instead of making eye contact. They could laugh about it now, but it took years for the teenager to grow confident in speaking to others. Now that he’d bulked up and gained some self confidence, Jungkook had gotten to the point where it was easier to talk to strangers.

But, of course, you’re different.

Jungkook is used to girls fawning over him. It had happened throughout college and it happens whenever he and Joon went out to bars or clubs. But you … you’d barely looked at him when he first walked into the laundromat.

He found it was a welcome change. He didn’t have to worry about you showering him with un-asked for or un-wanted attention. He liked to think of you as a compatriot of sorts. Two lovers of the laundry arts, united only by their enthusiasm and ardor for clean clothes and also for the wee morning hours.

“Look, she fell asleep on her computer. I think she’s having a rough few weeks. I just wanted to do something nice for her.”

Namjoon gives him a long look from across their kitchen island. Jungkook squirms under the gaze of his roommate, fiddling with the hem of his hoodie sleeve.

“Dude, you’re so whipped for her already, I can tell.”

“Asshole. You’re one to talk.”

Thank you for reading! Drop me an ask and tell me what you think. Find me in various places at my carrd :)

© miscelunaaa 2021. My work is only found on this blog and under my ao3 pseud. Do not, under any circumstances, copy or repost my work. Thank you.

posted: 1.17.2022. updated 4.2.2022 (front matter clean up). 

[book-boys-are-my-guilty-pleasure]

A Stark and her Soldier ~ Part 1

Imagine: Reuniting with Bucky when you end up helping Sam with the Flag Smashers.

Warnings: TFATWS SPOILERS! This takes place during the first two episodes of the show.

A/N: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’M BACK (with a new header lol)!!! AHHHHHHHH! It’s been nearly two years but here I am… posting this makes me SO nervous, so feedback would be highly appreciated! More parts and some information about what I’m planning with this blog to follow soon! 

“You held us together – do it for them,” he paused before adding, “Promise me you’ll do it for them.”

You blinked away the tears, knowing what was coming, “I can’t promise that...”

“Y/N please,” the way he begged you with that shaking voice was nearly enough to push you over the edge.

“I-I promise.” He squeezed your hand before letting you leave.

“You’ve reached James Barnes, sorry I couldn’t take your call, please –” you hung up before the recorded message could continue, face burning with frustration. This was the 9th time you had tried calling him this week, not to mention the countless text messages.

You scoffed thinking of Steve’s last words to you, how were you supposed to hold them together when you barely held yourself together on a good day? It doesn’t make it any easier when the person you’re supposed to be holding together is so keen on letting himself fall apart.  

Every time you tried calling him, you ended up feeling furious, miserable, or like an absolute failure – usually all three. You promised Steve, you promised, and you failed. You groaned and chucked your phone across your bed.

The last time you had seen him, Steve had still been around, and you hadn’t even spoken to him since Tony’s funeral.

 You and Pepper had walked to the lake, each holding one of Morgan’s hands, and you had sat at the dock watching the arc reactor – his heart – float away, the people behind you forgotten in your grief. The weight on your heart was unbelievable, you had already lost your best friend, Natasha, and now your brother was gone.

You promised him that you wouldn’t cry at his funeral – he always knew it was inevitable – and so you sat there, sending him away with a pained smile.

You had no idea how long you had just sat there, staring at the horizon across the lake, trying to make this last moment with your brother last forever.

“Y/N?” You felt a hand squeezing your shoulder, “You should come back inside.”

“What happens now, Steve?” Your voice was softer than he had ever heard before.

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together,” he paused for a moment before gesturing to Bucky, waiting outside the house behind him, “He wants to talk to you.”

You gave Bucky a small smile, “Hey.”

He walked over and dropped down next to you, Steve leaving the two of you to chat, “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” You nodded solemnly.

He added, “For everything, Y/N… he probably wouldn’t even have wanted me here, but –”

You shook your head and took his hand, heart fluttering at the contact. You had always been attracted to him, and it had only grown with every interaction. “That wasn’t you.”

You knew your brother never blamed Bucky, you all knew how it felt to have people mess with your heads and Bucky had had the worst of it. He was furious at Steve for years, but never at Bucky – you could never bring yourself to be angry with either of them, not after the stories you grew up with. Your father had adored the soldiers and you had been one of their biggest fans, and later one of Steve’s closest friends.

There had come a point after the battle between Tony and Steve when you had become sick of all the back and forth. You were lucky enough to find an escape when T’Challa got in touch with you, offering you a chance to come to Wakanda and learn about their technology – you weren’t ashamed to admit that you were the one who contacted him to beg for it. You hadn’t known that Bucky was already there. Slowly but surely, the two of you found comfort in one another and became good friends.  

He gave you a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, “You should head inside, it’s getting late – I’ll see you again soon.”

He stayed true to that statement, the two of you stood with Sam and Bruce, waiting for Steve to come back after returning the stones – only to have him shatter your hearts.

You only saw Bucky in passing after that, occasionally visiting Steve at the same time – you never said a word to him, beyond a smile or a wave, and then you stopped seeing him all together. You tried, for the sake of your promise to Steve, but he never answered your calls or texts.

“We’ll figure it out together, right, thanks a lot Steve,” You muttered.

You jumped at the sound of your phone ringing, and your shoulders sank a bit when you saw Sam’s name flashing across the screen, “Hey.”

“He’s doing an interview,” You knew exactly who Sam was talking about, “Good Morning America.”

Your stomach turned, “That’s the last thing I want to see.”

“I know, I just thought I’d share my joy with someone,” Sam chuckled, “Any luck with Bucky?”

“I’m just wasting my time at this point,” You could feel the tears returning to your eyes as you said it.

“Hey, come on now, he’ll come around, he just needs some time.”

“Right…”

“Listen, I called because we have a lead, wanna join?”

“Please.”

“I hate it, his stupid face plastered on every wall, it feels like he’s mocking us.”

“Don’t you start, Y/N.”

“Seriously Sam, I get that he’s the new Cap – the fake Cap, but don’t you think that this,” You gestured to the posters around you, “is excessive?”

“It-”

“Shouldn’t have given up the shield.” Your heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice and your face heated up with anger, you hadn’t realized it was possible to feel such contrasting emotions at the same time, but here you were. You noted that his voice was a bit hoarse and wondered if he had been sick.

“Good to see you too, Buck.”

“This is wrong.”

“So is pushing away everyone who cares about you.” He finally looked at you and you saw shame glistening in those steel blue eyes.

He said nothing before turning back to Sam, “You didn’t know that was gonna happen?”

Wow, ignoring your calls was one thing, but outright ignoring you while you stood in front of him, that caused a different kind of hurt.

You stood in silence as Sam explained where the two of you were headed, trying to push away the pounding in your head, and suddenly, you found yourself in a jet sitting next to Bucky.

“You could have answered, even once. Could’ve at least let me know that you were still alive.”

“I know,” Was all he said.

“We were friends once,” Nothing, “and I still care for you.”

“I know.”

“Four months, a full four months and I didn’t hear a single word from you, I’m going to need more than ‘I know’.”

He sighed, “I’m sorry.”

You could tell that he meant it and didn’t know what more to say, so you got up and headed towards the open door of the plane, “I’ll catch you boys on the ground.”

You watched Sam follow, and considered helping Bucky as he fell through the trees, but you decided against it. He hurt your feelings and now you could call it even.

Super soldiers? How on earth were there more super soldiers?! You didn’t have much time to ponder on the thought as you got kicked in the face by one of them and fell off the semi – definitely should have let Tony make you a helmet like he insisted.

You flew back up only to see him dropping out of a helicopter, Fake Cap, fuck.

“Looks like you guys could use some help,” Your blood boiled at the sight of his cocky grin.

You weren’t winning, and you weren’t stupid enough to continue trying, let Steve’s knock-off take care of it.

You flew off just in time to see Bucky lying on top of Sam, the latter groaned in displeasure.

“Hey, can you gentlemen save the PDA for later?” You joked, earning a glare from both of them.

With the adrenaline slowly draining from your system, the pain from the blows you took started to set in, making you dread the trek in front of you. As if on cue, you heard a horn honking and Fake Cap pulled up next to you, “It’s 20 miles to the airport, you guys need a ride.”

“I think we’re good,” You simply stated.

“You won’t make it with that limp.”

You gave him a crude smile, “I’d rather crawl.”  

They stopped and opened the door, you exchanged a look with Sam and Bucky, silently deciding to join them.

You sat between Bucky and Sam, and felt the anger and disgust radiating off of both of them with every word that was exchanged.

“Y/N Stark,” You despised the way he said your last name, like he wanted to devour you, “You are one of the original seven, I trust you know the importance of having a strong team. I’d suggest giving a word or two of advice to your friends here.”

“Did you really just compare being on a team with you two, to being on a team with the Avengers?” You glowered at him, “A word of advice Walker, you’re not Steve, you might be holding that shield, but you will never be half the Captain America that he was. So quit fucking pretending.”  

“I didn’t realize Stark’s sister had such a mouth on her,” He smirked, he knew exactly what he was doing and as much as you hated to admit it, it was working, “Vicious.”

“Go to hell.”

The ride didn’t last very long after that, and you had no complaints when Bucky demanded them to stop the car.

You opened your eyes and rolled over to see Sam still asleep on the seats across from you, and Bucky was sitting on the large crate in the middle of the jet, “Not tired?”

“Nah,” He shook his head.

You pushed yourself to your feet and hopped up next to him, “You’d think they’d make those seats a bit more comfortable considering the amount of time we spend on these things.”

He chuckled and the two of you fell into a comfortable silence. After a considerable pause he turned to you, “Y/N, I meant what I said earlier, I’m sorry.”

The dark bags under his eyes were a stark contrast from the beautiful blue that you were looking into, which you noted which had lost its luster. You noticed that his voice still had a bit of that hoarseness from earlier in the day, and the dots connected. You remembered how hoarse your voice used to get when you’d wake up screaming from the nightmares after particularly rough missions. You understood why he was awake, he didn’t want you and Sam to see him like that.

You nodded, “I know, I just wish – I was worried sick about you. I know it hasn’t been easy for you Buck, but we were good friends once and I miss you.”

“I wanted to call, it’s just been tough,” He admitted, and you reached over to take his hand, only to quickly pull away as Sam woke up.

“You two okay?”

“Yeah,” You both said. You wondered if Bucky’s super soldier ability allowed him to hear the way your heartbeat picked up from that brief touch.

Your mind was racing a million miles a minute, you had barely kept the tears in listening to Isaiah’s story, both out of anger and sadness. How? How did this happen? How was this man tortured, then brushed under the rug? How did no one know about it? Why the hell did Bucky keep this from you?

Sam mirrored your pained expression, but something darker lurked beneath his eyes, you couldn’t even imagine the rage he felt. The sound of a police siren pulled you out of your thoughts.

Your anger only grew at the argument that ensued, “I am calm, what do you want? We’re just standing here talking.”

“Just give him your ID,” You glared at Bucky as the words left his mouth.

“Why the hell should he? He didn’t do anything wrong!” You growled, at the same time Sam said, “I’m not giving him shit, we were just talking.”

“Hey, hey, look, is this guy bothering you?” The officer asked you and Bucky. Your eyes widened, he can’t be serious right now.

“No, he’s not bothering us, do you know who this is?!”

You couldn’t even stand to look at the guy as his jaw dropped in shock upon realizing who Sam was, you felt your body shake with anger, and you didn’t even want to think what would have happened if Sam hadn’t been an Avenger.

The officer returned from his vehicle and turned the tables, announcing that there was a warrant out for Bucky’s arrest.

Watching him being handcuffed and put into the car shattered your heart, if the events of the day hadn’t already left you feeling nauseous, you knew this would be the nail in the coffin. All you could see was Bucky on his knees with a gun to his head nearly seven year ago when Steve barely prevented T’Challa from killing him and the four of you had been arrested – Tony had been furious with you, but it was the shame in Bucky’s eyes that had hurt you the most, and here you were, witnessing it again.

You reached over a grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed as hard as you could, desperate for a lifeline to keep you from sinking into those painful memories.

You maintained that same grip on the poor man’s hand as you sat at the police station waiting for Bucky to be bailed out, “Sam, Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you two, I’m Dr. Raynor, I’m James’ therapist.”

The two of you shook her hand and Sam thanked her for getting Bucky out.

“That was not me –”

“Christina!” You’d recognize that voice anywhere from the way it made your skin crawl, fuck, “Good to see you again.”

You clenched your jaw to keep yourself from punching the stupid grin off of his face as he pointed to himself when Dr. Raynor asked him who authorized Bucky’s release. You knew you had a problem with constantly wanting to punch people in the face, it was a trait that ran in the family, but Walker’s face was definitely one of the most punchable ones you had seen – a good ol’ pop in the jaw wouldn’t hurt, right? Just one?

“He’s too valuable of an asset to have him tied up –”

That was it, that was all you were willing to hear, you couldn’t stop yourself from getting in his face and hissing, “Call him that again, and I swear to god Walker, I –”

Sam put his arm around you, hand pressed to your stomach and pulled you back, “Y/N.”

Walker simply smirked and turned back to Raynor, “Do what you have to do and send him off to me. Got some unfinished business, him and I, you too Wilson, and bring your guard dog with you.”

It took everything in your power to keep from snarling at him.  

“James, condition of your release, session now,” The doctor ordered, “You two as well.”

“I’m good, I’ve been to enough therapy,” You shook your head, at the same time Sam said, “That’s okay, I’ll be out here with –”

“That wasn’t a request,” You couldn’t help but chuckle, and decided that you liked this woman.

You and Sam sat on either side of Bucky, facing Dr. Raynor as she got started. You couldn’t help but notice the way Bucky’s eyes shifted and jaw clenched as Sam tried to weasel his way out of the session, and your chest tightened. He looked so tired, and not just the ‘hasn’t slept in a few days’ tired, but more like he was tired of trying – he looked broken.

You decided in that moment that you would try, and not just for Steve, but for the man next to you who had held a piece of your heart before he even knew you, and managed steal that piece away when you had met him years later.

You realized how hard you’d have try when Bucky answered Dr. Raynor’s question with, “In my miracle, he would talk less.”

“Exactly what I was gonna say, isn’t that ironic?” You sighed, so hard.

She turned to you, mimicking the expression on your face, “Y/N, can I trust you to give me a proper answer?”

Try, Y/N, try. You saw a glimmer of hope in Raynor’s eyes as they met yours, but you simply shrugged and looked away, unable to bring yourself to open up, and she let her shoulders fall slightly.

“You guys are leaving me with no choice. It’s time for the soul-gazing exercise. Y/N, you can sit this one out, you get along with both of them well enough.”

You rolled your eyes at the reactions from the boys, this’ll be good. You couldn’t help but chuckle as they got closer to one another, maybe I should have taken part in this exercise. They made eye contact and continued to hold it, you realized what they were doing moments before the doctor did and let out a genuine laugh – earning a glare from Raynor, don’t encourage them she seemed to say.

“James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don’t say something childish.” Your head filled with a hundred different ideas about what stupid things Bucky would come up with, only to have them fizzle away at his cheeky grin towards the doctor, followed by the lick of his lip. It left your throat dry. Snap out of it, Y/N, what’s gotten into you?

He paused for a moment, his expression changing, and turned back to Sam, “Why’d you give of that shield?”

You held your breath, you knew this was going to come up, but weren’t expecting it here. You couldn’t take your eyes off of Bucky, noticing every change in his face, it becoming more pained with every word that left his mouth, and your chest tightening alongside it, until finally, “So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me.”

The break in his voice cracked your heart into a million pieces. You looked up, trying to keep the tears swimming in your eyes from falling. You turned your attention towards Sam and noticed the emotion behind his glassy eyes – it was different than anything you had seen in him before, it was almost as though you could see the burden he was carrying on his shoulders, the pressure that was pushing him in every direction.

I have to fix this, you told yourself, you couldn’t stand to see them like this, I have to try.  

Your mind was roaring with thoughts, you hadn’t even noticed that Sam and Bucky had left until Raynor asked, “What would be in your miracle, Y/N?”

You snapped your head towards her, then to the door, you weighed your options and headed towards the latter. You grabbed the handle and stopped, without turning towards her you whispered, “I’d find a home again, and they’d find some happiness.”

You pulled the door open, “Y/N, I don’t think those two things have to be separate.”

Her words swam in your head until you found Bucky and Sam walking outside, Walker and Hoskins storming off in the other direction.

“What’s that all about?”

“Walker being Walker,” Sam shrugged.

“So, what now?”

“Bucky wants to talk to Zemo,” Every memory that you spent years trying to forget came flooding back: Zemo using those words to turn Bucky into the Winter Soldier, who then proceeded to trash the compound and nearly kill you and your friends; watching your family fight each other at the airport and being forced to pick a side; watching the footage of your parents dying; desperately begging your brother and the man who had become your brother not to kill one another.

“You what?!” You gasped.

“Y/N –”

You stepped between the two of them, close enough to Bucky that you had to tilt your head up to look into his eyes, and whispered, “Bucky, no.”

“This might be our only lead, Y/N,” You stared up at him, silently pleading him, he reflected the same in his own, “Please Y/N.”

He took your hand and you instantly melted, “I – fine, but promise me you will be careful.”

“I promise.”

End. 

Read Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6

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[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 309: Gotta Go My Own Way

Previously on BnHA: Muscular was all “well if it isn’t the protagonist on his solo journey of self-discovery, for some reason I’m unironically glad I get to fight you!” Deku was all “hey Muscular before I finish kicking your ass would you please take a moment to answer these two survey questions? Question one, do you regret being a total piece of shit? And question two, if you could do anything at all in the world other than being a total piece of shit, would you?” Muscular was all, “pfft, no and no.” Deku was all, “thanks buddy, your feedback helps make me a better hero, here’s a coupon for fifteen percent off your next ass-whooping.” Then he whooped his ass.

Today on BnHA: Deku is all “what up All Might can you believe you’ve been here this entire time?” All Might is all “I sure can since that’s literally my catch phrase, anyway how are your magic movie 1 gauntlets holding up?” Deku is all “they’re holding up fine, how are Hawks, Endeavor, and Best Jeanist doing?” Hawks, Endeavor, and Best Jeanist are all “we, your fellow co-conspirators, are also doing fine, thanks for asking!” Flashback!Deku is all “anyway so I secretly have All Might’s quirk and the most dangerous people in the world are after me, so sorry mom but that’s why I’m dropping out of school.” Inko is all “I CAN’T ACCEPT THAT” while totally accepting it. All Might is all “I GUESS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH IT SINCE I DON’T FEEL LIKE TRYING TO STOP HIM.” Hawks, Jeanist, and Endeavor, as previously mentioned, are all “yeah that sounds like a good plan”, and Gran is all “see ya kid, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” So basically everyone in the entire world has suddenly teamed up with Deku to defeat AFO, except for the one person whose entire foreshadowed endgame is “teaming up with Deku to defeat AFO.” O Kacchan where art thou.

dear tumblr image limit: okay look. you don’t like me, and I don’t like you. but just as an experiment, I’m gonna try writing this recap with as few images as possible and we’ll see how it goes

(ETA: spoilers for how it went: it didn’t, lol.)

oh my god WHY ARE WE OPENING WITH MORE KETSUBUTSU ACADEMY KIDS.ffs we’d better at least finally get some Ms. Joke content out of this

(ETA: seriously who do I have to bribe.)

so these two KB kids who no one cares about are watching Deku leap away from the scene after dispatching Muscular. but more importantly wtf is this chapter title omg. “I can’t stay being a child” so that’s how it is huh. we’re gonna have feels and we’re going to like them. well then

oh my god he’s hauling Muscular away dhfksklfkh okay this is gonna have to be our first image because I can’t fucking help myself. look at this

just. Deku is so tiny and he’s carting away this massive unconscious lump of a man like it’s nothing why is this so funny to me. it’s like when people buy furniture, and they don’t want to pay extra for delivery and so they’re like, “I can definitely fit this king-sized mattress in the back of my compact sedan if I fold the fucking seat down, idk.” and they refuse to be talked out of it, and the next thing you know you’re watching them drive home with their open trunk door haphazardly tied down with bungee cords, and somehow it fucking works. because it turns out the compact sedan has super strength

anyway for SOME REASON now Horikoshi is all “have fun with that Deku, meanwhile we now return you to your regularly scheduled SHINDOU CONTENT” whyyyyyy

look at this. we’re really using up a whole fucking entire page on everyone arguing over who gets the honor of carrying Shindou

love how the civilians are all, “shit lol is this actually our fault?? quick, how do we play this off all casual like we were the reasonable parties here all along”

turns out all it took to finally get them to listen was making them watch while a kid got his insides ground into a pulp because of their stupidity!! what a heartwarming conclusion to this little standoff

anyways THANK GOD we’re cutting back to Deku now!! well actually we’re cutting back to Muscular who is being dropped off at the police precinct, good bye and good riddance lol

so Deku’s leaving him there and bounding away and okjdlSKFJLKJDSL OH MY GOD

no fucking way. no fucking way this little jaunt is All Might-sanctioned and approved. are you serious?? then who else is in on this?? what the hell is going on

so All Might is just WAITING FOR HIM IN AN ALLEY FFF WHO ARE YOU, JIM GORDON. or would Alfred be a better analogy here?? but like, Alfred if he ditched the suit for a moto jacket and shades

this new ensemble of All Might’s may or may not severely impact my ability to take this forthcoming conversation seriously; please stand by

also, quite the spectacular landing there, Deku. seriously lol what was that

“HOW ARE YOUR LIMBS” “THANKS TO YOU THEY’RE COMPLETELY FINE” I’M SORRY WHAT

LOL WHAT. “THANKS TO THE POWER OF THESE MAGIC GLOVES” OH I SEE THAT EXPLAINS IT

are these the same gauntlets from the first movie, then? well that’s all well and good, except that now there’s going to be more Deku Discourse than fucking ever lol. so if it’s all the same to you guys, I’m gonna once again go ahead and declare this week’s post a discourse-free zone, at least when it comes to the specific discourse of Deku’s merits as a MC, and the impact that him kicking ass and having working arms has on said merits. this has been something of a low mental energy week for me, so I’d rather reserve the energy I do have for more fun topics, such as All Might’s bitchin’ leather jacket

anyway so All Might’s saying that the gauntlets will help reinforce Deku’s arms, but they can’t withstand OFA at 100%. so basically it’s a support item designed to maintain the status quo lol. we’re basically in the same situation we were before, arm-capability-wise

homg All Might’s getting a call. time to see who else is in on Operation: Deku Alone?? or not so alone for that matter

omg

HI HAWKS, WHERE ARE YOUR WINGS

(ETA: seriously are they really gone for good?? why would he even be back on active duty then?? does he have his own American ex-boyfriend who can hook him up with exclusive support items?? dammit Horikoshi we want answers.)

looks like Jeanist and Endeavor are teaming up as well, just like they said they would. I would gladly follow this trio around all day long tbh

is this the same giant villain from the very first chapter??

looks like it to me, and it would tie in with that callback from the end of chapter 306. we all thought that was Muscular, but maybe it was this guy, and Deku left these three to deal with him while he ran off to take Muscular down

oh my god now Deku is running off again just like that

kids these days

ffffff I have not had nearly enough sleep to follow along with whatever tf Hawks is talking about here sob

like, is he trying to say that All Might is keeping Deku’s whereabouts unknown to anyone except for him?? in order to keep him safe?? but Hawks is pointing out that that’s a bad strategy and probably won’t do shit against AFO and it’s better if he lets Deku work with the rest of them?

(ETA: so @hanashimas​’ translation makes a lot more sense -- it’s not All Might who’s being overprotective, but Deku. in other words he’s trying not to drag All Might into his battles. and in addition Hawks is saying that their strategy is to take the offensive and go after AFO themselves rather than wait for him to come to them. which I’m not too sure about myself, but that’s another topic for another day.)

btw I can’t help thinking how much better this entire conversation would be if All Might was still wearing his sunglasses. put them back on my dude. it’s not too late. embrace your inner badass

DKLJSLDKFJL FLASHBACK ALERT, FUCKING FINALLY

“turns out, we were just trying to scare you straight. fuck lot of good that did though lol”

also what is this. one true love: the hospital bed. is that a scanlator joke or is Horikoshi actually that funny omg

SKLJDFLJLK

ITSA ME!! omg I love this hospital so much. though it’s sure not helping me in my quest to try and keep this post below ten images. I’m already up to eleven haha r.i.p. to me if tumblr doesn’t get its shit together

whaaaaaat, so he’s saying that Deku’s injuries were external (i.e. Tomura beating the shit out of him) rather than internal this time?? whaaaaat. excuse me but that’s some bullshit lmao. believe me, I was there

okay now he’s going on to explain that Deku’s “internal structure” seems to have been protected from the inside and out, and the corresponding panel seems to be implying that using Blackwhip as a brace paid off. huh

and also that his body is just stronger now?? so I guess he’s better able to withstand the quirk after an additional year of training?? I’M NOT SURE IF I BUY ANY OF THIS LOL but I’m willing to suspend my disbelief

OH MY GOD RED ALERT, INKO IS ASKING ALL MIGHT TO EXPLAIN WTAF DEKU’S QUIRK IS, IS IT FINALLY THAT TIME OMGGGG

SO HE’S EXPLAINING IT TO HER OFF-SCREEN, AND INKO IS JUST LIKE

I GUESS THAT’S FAIR LOL. IT’S TRUE INKO I’M SO SORRY, YOUR SON IS A PROGATONIST R.I.P.

AHHKKJH DEKU ANGST IS IT FINALLY THAT TIME OMGGGGGG

what is this soft pop beat that’s suddenly being pumped in over the speakers. I’VE GOT TO MOVE ON~ AND BE WHO~ I~ AM~~~, I JUST DON’T BELONG HERE, I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAAAAAAAND. also, follow-up question, when is Kacchan finally going to come back so he can jump in with the “WHAT ABOUT US~~~” bridge, huh. come the fuck on, Horikoshi

lmao All Might jesus christ

but given that it’s a stupid-ass decision...

anyway, yes!! finally that sweet, sweet “I don’t want to put anyone else in danger” angst!!

mmm that’s good angst Brent. Kacchan with center panel honors as usual, you love to see it. anyways though who do I have to yell at to get Deku a goddamn HUG around here seriously

so Inko is of course reacting with panic, and sensibly saying that she doesn’t approve of Deku’s “RUN AWAY AND FIGHT THE BAD GUYS ALL ON MY OWN, DON’T WORRY MOM I’LL JUST GET STRONGER, EASY AS PIE, IT’S A FOOLPROOF STRATEGY” plan

son of a bitch this manipulative green asshole is really gonna sit here and smile fondly at his mom and try to convince her that he’s Not A Little Kid Anymore. the hell you’re not mister

y'all are really just gonna sit there and let him talk you into this?? surely it can’t be that easy??

OH MY GOD

THE FEELS oh my god oh my god. BUT ALSO YOU’RE SERIOUSLY JUST GOING TO COLLAPSE INTO HIS ARMS SOBBING AND LET HIM DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS LKJLJLFK. WHERE ARE ALL THE STRICT PARENTS AT?? AIZAWA, GANG ORCA, MITSUKI, SOMEONE PLEASE COME AND TELL DEKU TO SIT HIS ASS THE FUCK DOWN. NOW LISTEN HERE YOUNG MAN!!

“EVEN IF I TRY TO STOP YOU YOU’LL STILL LEAVE” WELL SURE, IF BY “TRY TO STOP HIM” YOU MEAN POLITELY TRY TO TALK HIM OUT OF IT FOR THREE SECONDS. HE’S SIXTEEN WTF WHEN DID HE BECOME THE BOSS OF YOU ALL. SOMEONE NEEDS TO COME AND TELL HIM HE’S GROUNDED

anyway sob so that’s the story of how Deku talked his parents into letting him drop out of school, and even convinced All Might to be his own personal Guy In The Chair. holy shit. this kid really went and rolled a nat 20 and the rest of them had no choice but to fold without argument

meanwhile here’s a panel of Best Jeanist trying to braid his phone into his hair just cuz

I’m dying to know which part of his language he considers to be crude here. you literally didn’t even use a contraction my guy

so now flashback!Deku is talking to Gran in the dark, and Gran is all “can you believe I’m not fucking dead yet lol that’s too funny. anyway, you sure I can’t interest you in killing Tomura after all?? no?? okay then here’s my cape.” truly a heartwarming scene

I’m kind of torn here tbh. on the one hand, my adhd ass wasn’t all that interested in sitting down and having an extended scene between these two when there’s so much else that I want to get to. but on the other hand, even I can admit that cramming this entire reunion into a single page seems just a BIT rushed. idk. like maybe someone can let Horikoshi know it’s a marathon and not a race. Deku didn’t even get any dialogue here, some of us want to know his thoughts!! but anyway

AND JUST LIKE THAT?!

how did all four of them let him con them into this. I literally just watched it happen and I still can’t figure out how. “I GUESS THIS SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT IS OUR LEADER NOW” ffflfjf. when Aizawa finds out he’s gonna go apeshit. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON BAKUGOU KATSUKI, WHO I HAVE BEEN ASSURED DOES IN FACT STILL EXIST. WHAT ABOUT USSSSS, WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH. WHAT ABOUT TRUST???! YOU KNOW I NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOUUUUU

btw lol don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying this, and I’m honestly glad Deku’s not alone because that would suck for him! but that said, Hawks and Jeanist have lost any credibility they might have once had as far as being The Responsible Ones, and as for All Might and Endeavor, fucking hell lol. everyone just deposited all of their fucks in a bank somewhere for safekeeping and decided to never look back. godspeed you mad lads

[hardlyinteresting]

Risks Worth Taking 2/2

This is the second half, part 2/2 of the story, thank you to everyone who has read it! Professor!Zemo x Student reader Part 1 here The reader takes Zemo’s philosophy class focusing on Machiavelli. Posted in 2 parts because it exceeded the textbox limit. Apx 3k words.

Warnings: student-teacher relationship (the reader is of age, no real focus on power imbalance), implied age gap, consumption of alcohol, implication that the reader is sleeping with Zemo for better grades (she's not) and of course let me know if you want me to add anything else!!

Week five, he is not shocked to find she’s once again the first one in class. “Good evening,” he greets warmly, unwrapping his scarf from around his neck as he makes his way to his desk. She smiles back, “I left my paper on your desk there, I figured I’d get the pile started”. He laughs setting down his coat and bag, “Something tells me there will be few submissions for this class”.

He’s right. Less than half the class bothers to show up. Most of her peers seem to be getting a head start on winter break, at least the class is quiet she thinks content listening to Helmut summarize the most recently assigned chapters, providing historical context where needed.

“Enjoy your break Helmut,” she says softly as he shuts the lecture hall door.

“You as well. Do you have plans?” She shakes her head, “No, just reading”. He smiles, “Then I am sure it will be a good break indeed”.

The cafe is warm and cosy. She settles comfortably into her favourite booth with her favourite book and a second cup of tea.

The bell at the front door dings as a man enters in a long black coat and leather gloves. Fancy she thinks to herself as he approaches the counter to order. It's usually other students dressed in sweatpants and hoodies, the man’s put together dress piques her interest. He orders and then she watches over the top of her book as he drops a $10 bill into the barista’s tip jar. Oh, well dressed and exceedingly well mannered. She can't help but watch him as he waits. Removing his gloves he tucks them into his pockets and unbuttons his coat, she swears she can smell his cologne from where she sits; it's incredible!

“Cherry blossom tea for Helmut?” The barista calls sliding the cup across the counter.

Helmut? It isn't. Is it? He turns after saying a polite thank you, and she can feel her heart hammering as he turns and she sees his face. It is. She's not sure why she's shocked, she did tell him about this place after all. Do I say something? She wonders, weighing the pros and cons, but her thoughts are halted when she hears his voice,

“Hello,” he smiles softly, “I didn't expect you to be here--I know you pointed this place out, but I wasn't--”

He's worried he's intruding. Oh, how the tables have turned.

“No, no. It's okay! I don't own the place-- did you want to sit? You don't have to--”

He chuckles as her nerves get the best of her.

Silently he sets down his cup shrugging out of his coat, putting it over the back of the chair before sitting down.

“What are you reading?” He smiles, trying to peak at the cover.

Again, after their initial stiffness, the conversation flows smoothly, just like it had in his office. After several warm drinks, and a couple croissants ordered between the two of them it’s grown dark outside. Neither had noticed the cafe empty out slowly over the hours, the barista cleaning up for the night until she clears her throat from behind the counter. They both turn to look at her, finally noticing how quiet the shop is.

“Sorry, we’re closing now,” the barista smiles sweetly. “Not a problem. I apologise, we lost track of time. We’ll get out of your way,” Helmut apologizes. The pair collect their things sliding back into their coats and gloves. Helmut waits patiently for her to be ready to go his hand resting gently at the small of her back as she slips out of the booth and past him.

Helmut stops and puts another bill in the girl’s tip jar.

“Sorry for keeping you,” he apologises again.

Outside the winter wind is cold against their faces.

“Are you hungry?” Helmut asks.

“I could eat,” She responds. “Ever been there?” Helmut asks pointing to the pub across the street. “I don’t know if it’s your speed. It’s not super nice or anything, but their food is decent,” she says honestly. He laughs, “‘Decent’ is better than what I can make at home by myself”.

She bites her lip thinking about it, does he want to spend more time with me?

“Okay,” she smiles as they make their way across the street.

Settled at a table, they wait for their server, she asks, “Was that a fifty dollar bill I saw you put in that tip jar?”

He shrugs, “Yes”.

He says that as if it’s normal, she thinks.

“I know you’re not from here, but you do know that’s a lot of money right?” “Yes,” he shrugs again, “But she made excellent tea all afternoon, she let us stay as late as she could and she was polite. And I have been here long enough to know that servers of any kind don’t get paid fairly. I can afford it, she deserves it”.

She feels the smile grow across her face, she considers gushing that he’s such a good person, but instead what comes out is, “I’m really starting to consider becoming a professor”.

He laughs, “I told you, it’s family money, not my facility pay”. God, that laugh, sets off butterflies in her stomach, the warm, genuine sound of his laughter.

He continues, “Before Sokovia fell, my family were royalty. I was a Baron there”. “I knew your name sounded familiar,” she sighs, “I remember hearing about Sokovia on the news. I remember your name, you were building orphanages and relief centres”.

He nods sadly, “Many of us thought we could salvage what we had left after everything. We couldn’t”.

“I’m so sorry,” she says, without thinking she reaches across the table to place a comforting hand on his arm. His hand comes to cover hers, so much larger than her own.

There’s a silence between them for one of the first moment since he sat down with her earlier at the cafe. But it’s not uncomfortable, it’s the opposite -- a silence of understanding, both parties knowing there’s nothing they can say to make things better-- they can only ruminate.

The peace is broken by a waiter coming to take their orders. “Do you drink Helmut?” She asks with a mischievous smile. “I have been known to indulge,” he confesses, his eyebrows furrowed. “Two shots of ?” she turns to look at Helmut expectantly. “Vodka,” he replies. “Two shots of vodka, and an order of cheese fries to share please,” she orders, “thank you”.

The waiter returns not before long, placing the drinks and food on the table.

She holds her shot glass up waiting for him to do the same. “Prost,” he says raising his glass towards her. “Cheers,” she responds clinking her glass into his before they both tip them back.

And that’s how their night begins.

It’s nearing midnight when they settle their bill, Helmut insisting he pay-- though she put up a good fight. “Can I walk you home?” He asks looking at her under the light of the street lamps. She nods, her face feeling warm both from his attention and the alcohol coursing through her bloodstream. Her apartment is only three blocks away, but time seems to slow down as they walk arm in arm through the freshly fallen snow. At her door they stop, she looks up at him, him down at her. Without a thought, lips meet. It’s not rough or particularly sexy, but she feels her knees go weak when his hand comes to cup her cheek, his other splayed across the small of her back pulling her closer. This kiss deepens and she clutches the lapel of his wool coat before they both pull away. “Sorry,” he mumbles. “Don’t be,” she sighs.

Then the thought hits her, “How are you getting home?” “Oh-- I was going to get a cab and go back to the cafe to pick up my car in the morning,” he explains. “Nonsense-- you can stay here,” she offers unlocking her door and stepping inside, he doesn’t follow. “Not in my bed,” she laughs flicking on the light, “I’ll set you up on the couch”. He steps inside.

In the morning he wakes to the sun shining through the window. It takes him a minute to orient himself remembering he crashed on her couch. He sits up taking a moment to look around the apartment, it’s cute. Books and textbooks and notebooks strewn about the place. It’s homey and inviting and every bit what he’d expect her space to look like. Carefully he grabs one of the open notebooks tearing out a page he writes a quick note:

Good morning, I find that I feel very sorry for having to leave before you wake. Alas, I have much to get done, and I do not wish to trespass in your home longer than needed. I am grateful for your hospitality, and even more, your company. If my memory serves correctly I must also apologise for making that advance towards you last night. It was ungentlemanly, and you are unquestionably deserving of much better. I hope you can forgive me, and that you might allow me to make it up to you. -Helmut

Week six.

“He should appear to be compassionate, faithful to his word, guileless, and devout.” Is written across the board. When she settles into her seat. She’s not early this week, rather just on time. Helmut notes the heavy rise and fall of her chest as she tries to catch her breath, he holds back a smile at the thought of her sprinting to his class. When the class is settled, he proceeds to hand back all of the submitted essays, now marked. He smiles as he sets hers on her desk, “Bravo,” he says quietly enough that just she hears it as he shuffles along to the next row of students. She anxiously flips to the last page, red pen scrawl reads 100%. Her jaw drops. There’s no way. She thinks back to the rumours she heard on campus at the beginning of the year, about how difficult a marker he is. Bullshit. Her blood boils, rage sizzling beneath her skin. She avoids his eyes for the rest of class staring down at her notebook as she notices the indents in the blank page-- indents left from where he had written her a note that morning. Her anger freezes replaced by the cold sinking feeling in her chest. All his kind words, all those moments shared-- did he really think she was just spending time with him for a better grade? What kind of handout does he expect to get from her? She scolds herself now for the little crush she’d developed-- how stupid could she be? The prince must appear to be virtuous in order to hide his actions, She remembers from her reading, a dagger to her chest as she thinks bitterly that she’s not shocked that the professor is practising what he preaches.

The class ends and he moves to collect his paperwork, sorting it back into his bag. She stays. “I’m glad you stayed behind,” he starts. “I’m sure you are,” she says sharply. Confused he puts his things down turning to face her. “Have I done something to upset you?” He asks seriously his head tilted to the side as he racks his brain for anything he may have done to make her so cross. Perhaps his note was not sufficient in conveying his apology? “Do you think I’m stupid? Or that I’m naive?” she asks arms crossed, “I’m not sleeping with you for a good grade,” she states firmly, sliding her essay back across her desk, “feel free to adjust my grade accordingly”. Is that what she thinks? His mouth goes dry, his mind and heart racing with all the different ways he wants to apologise, to tell her that she has it wrong. He approaches her, finally making eye contact with her, “Your grade will stay as it is. I mark all of my student’s work without looking at the cover pages. I have always strived to remain impartial. Your essay was marked no differently,” He explains calmly, “I would be wrong to say that I don’t hold any affections for you-- it is quite the opposite. I enjoy the time we have spent together, and I would like to continue to remain in your company; I hope to eventually find myself in your affections-- but none of this has any bearing on your grade. I am sorry that I have acted in a way where this was not clear”. Her throat clenches, oh. “I’m sorry--Oh my god--I’m so stupid!” her hand flies to cover her mouth. “You have nothing to apologise for-- I should be the one apologising,” he insists. She shakes her head standing to stand in front of him, “We’ve both been obtuse”. “I’d like to make it up to you. I’d like to take you out for dinner-- a proper meal. If you’ll allow me”. She nods her hand coming to rest on his cheek, thumb running gently across his cheekbone, “I would like that,” she says quietly, her eyes glazing at his lips, “But only after the semester is done and I’ve graduated”. “If that is what you want,” he nods understanding. She can feel him leaning in, her eyes flickering up to his caramel eyes and back down to his lips, his hand rests on her hip, but he waits for her to close the gap between them.

Last day of the school year.

She waits by the door to the lecture hall as he speaks to his class. She listens to the back and forth of conversing ideas from the students, her heart beating faster every time Helmut speaks. It takes a while for everyone to leave when the class is over, but he does his best not to make her wait too long, gathering his things as quickly as possible, he makes his way over to her.

“Maybe I should’ve taken this course, the conversation was much more lively!” She laughs. “Your intelligent thoughts would have been wasted here, my dear” He smiles shutting the door behind him, “your class needed a brilliant mind in it”.

The summer goes by quickly. Fine dining, nights in. reading during rainstorms. Nights of soft romance, followed by nights of passion. Pasts shared. Futures envisioned. In his bed the night before the new school year she rolls over to lay almost on top of him, laughing when he lets out an oof. “Old man she teases,” earning a playful pinch on the thigh from him.

She glances at his nightstand, a copy of The Prince laying there.

“And what are your personal feelings about Machiavelli anyway? You never speak about your own thoughts”

“You're so clever,” he laughs, “but you're right”.

He sighs pulling her closer. he tries to focus on his hand running up and down her arm, how soft her sweater is under his fingertips. He takes a deep breath before speaking, “every time I read it, my opinions change,” he confesses, “there was a time when I was young and stupid; thought I was invincible that I agreed with a lot of his ideals. Then I grew older, fell in love--I thought him stupid and lonely. I experienced an incredible loss--”

She squeezes his side as she hears his voice grow tense with tears, he swallows and continues, “and then I thought I understood him. I learned how to grieve and I thought him intolerable. In the end I learn more about myself than I do him”.

She smiles, “and have you read it lately?”

He nods kissing her softly, “I have”.

“And?”

“I learned to trust my instincts. To take the risks that are worth taking”

“You're kind of a sap,” she laughs, her face getting warm she buries it in his chest. Part 1 here

[wickedw3asleys]

hey love! could you write a smut for George where it’s the readers first time and George is super sweet about it and is inlove with you and everything you do:)

MAKE YOU MINE (fluff/smut)

George Weasley x female reader

AN: Sorry for posting it so late! I had some troubles with tumblr and it almost didn't let me post this 🙄, BUT ANYWAYS, thank you for submitting something and I hope it's what you wanted and I truly hope you'll like it!!! ❤️ Love u too, and thank you so much for your support 🥰

Also, sorry if this is long, I like writing long stuff and giving details 👉🏻👈🏻

Warnings: insecure reader(a lil bit), fingering, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex, cussing...

When you first started dating George, not in a million years would you have thought to have your own expectations rising up. Not towards him though, but towards yourself.

George was that guy. Simply that guy. He was loved by everybody, one of the popular funny guys. And even though he was extremely sweet with you, you couldn't help but feel that something in you was missing.

Not that you weren't feeling enough for me, but at the same time, kind of...

One thing that made this feeling about you increase day by day was your virginity.

The concept of "virginity" was something that you particularly hated, hating the sense and meaning the modern society had given to it. But to shorten things up, yes, you were still a virgin. And even though you hated it as a concept, you couldn't stop but feel pressurized by yourself because of it.

And the fact that not even George knew about it made it only worse. For the few months you've been dating you've always tried to avoid it the best you could, but you could also feel George starting to worry about it, and why you would always push him away.

Plus, you were at that age where all your friends would start doing it, so you've had to see the parade of all your friends telling you one by one how excited they were that they finally lost their virginity. First was Ginny, then Harry, then Hermione, even Neville got to you to talk to you about it. So unconsciously, that weighted on you.

Today, you were hanging out again with George and his brother, both taking you to the Quidditch field to show you the new tactics they've been trying for their future match against Ravenclaw later that week. You could've been listening to George all day talking so passionately about Quidditch, but you had something else in your mind, and he could sense it. But he didn't say anything about it.

The thought of your bloody virginity was still in your mind and you didn't know how to make it disappear.

"... Y/N, are you okay?", Fred asked, seeing you totally off.

You sighed, "Yes! So, the bludgers..."

"You weren't paying attention, were you?", George asked gently, to what you sadly nodded.

"Sorry, guys... I've got things on my mind today..."

"Hey, don't worry. No need to apologize, it's okay", your boyfriend started to caress your arm, "We can head back in if you want"

"Yeah! I'm starting to get hungry anyways!", his brother answered.

You were grateful for them for being so understanding and not getting mad at you for being off, "Uhm... I'd rather stay here a little bit, I need more fresh air. Is it okay with you?", you asked George.

"Yes of course, sweetheart! Do you need anything?"

You said no and let them take off on their brooms, directing to the castle. You could see George's worried gaze, and you also knew that one day you'd have to talk to him anyways. He was your boyfriend after all. And seeming that he was so sweet with you always, you didn't quite understand why you were so scared to tell him.

After almost two hours of sitting there in the cold, you decided it was time for you to finally head back to the castle. Lunch would probably be over by now, fortunately you weren't hungry.

As you made your way to the corridors, straight to the common room, you crossed paths with the Weasleys; Ron, Ginny and the twins.

"Hello, darling! We missed you for lunch!", your boyfriend said, gently kissing your forehead.

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I didn't see the time

pass...", you apologized.

"Are you okay? You're freezing, Y/N!", Ginny exclaimed, hugging you.

"Yes! Don't worry! I was just heading back to the common room..."

George could see your still worried look, so he thought for himself it wouldn't be the best idea to go there and have everybody all over you. He didn't know what was going on with you, but he didn't like to see you like this, and whatever was on your mind, he was determined to make you forget about it.

"You three can go!", he said to his siblings, "Y/N and I are going for a walk, I think. Do you feel like doing that?"

You looked at him, surprised, but you agreed to it. A walk with him sounded pretty good right now.

So as the other Weasleys said their goodbyes and went to the Gryffindor common room, you took George by the arm and let him lead the way.

"Where are we going?", you asked after a while of walking.

"I don't know... What about the Astronomy tower?"

"Yeah, sounds pretty good!"

You smiled at him and started to make your way up to the tower. Since it was around 5pm, the view was absolutely splendid up there. You could see how the sun was slowly starting to go down and making the sky changing into all these beautiful shades of yellow, blue and orange.

"So, are you going to tell me was has you so upset?", George asked, sitting down.

"Nothing... It's just silly, actually..."

"Nothing is silly if it bothers you", he pat the floor next to him, indicating you to sit next to him. "Come on, darling. You know you can tell me anything..."

You sighed as you took place next to him, snuggling into his chest due to the November cold.

"It's just...", you sighed, " I don't know... I don't want you to judge me or anything..."

"Hey, hey... I'd never judge you... Unless you kill someone, but I'm pretty sure that if you give me a valid argument I'd still understand your motives", he said, making you laugh. "Come on, tell me..."

"I'm so stupid...", you laughed, rubbing your forehead, " George, I haven't done anything... Like... Sexual... With anyone before..."

Your boyfriend looked at you, serious, "You mean, you're a virgin?"

"Mmhh... Yeah", you hummed.

"Sweetheart, is that why you're so upset?", he asked, you nodding as answer. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I don't know! It just feels... wrong... You're like so popular and nice, and I know you've been with girls and now you dating me doesn't makes any sense in that way!"

"Y/N, it doesn't matter to me!", he smiled. "I don't know who put you that silly idea in your mind but it's definitely not true at all. I love you, you know that. It doesn't matter to me if you have done it before or not..."

"Are you sure?", you asked, unsure.

"Of course I am! Besides, it would be such an honor for me to be the first one for you..."

He took your hands in his and kissed them warmly, making you laugh at the action.

"Thanks, Georgie..."

"No need to thank me, there's nothing to thank me for...", he caressed your cheek, "You just tell me whenever you feel ready... or not. That's up to you. I just want you to know that you can always feel safe with me, and comfortable."

"I do! I do feel comfortable! It's just... I don't know, I guess I can get pretty silly sometimes..."

"You're not silly, love. You're nervous... And it's

completely normal. I just want you to understand that it's okay, I don't want you to feel pressurized or anything"

With that, you thanked him with a small peck on the lips, and after a few minutes admiring the sunset, you decided to go back to the common room.

You were actually very thankful for George; you didn't know someone could be that understanding, and you appreciated that with all your heart. And surprisingly, all your doubts from earlier left your mind, finally being at peace with the topic.

It was insane how quick George could make make your problems disappear for a while.

And thinking about that, you started to feel determined. You wanted him to be your first.

After all, you've know him for a little bit more than three years now, and you've started dating a few months ago. And not once you've felt uncomfortable or upset because of him. And you knew you could trust him for all that virginity story. If you had to lose it now, you'd definitely choose him, even if you weren't dating.

"Flibbertigi-

"George, wait...", you interrupted him in front of the Fat Lady. "I want you to be my first... I want to do it..."

"W-what? Do you mean, right now?"

"Yes, right now...", you smiled to him.

"Oh, for Goddrick's sake... Flibbertigibbet!", he took your hand and took you inside with him, you laughed as you could see his excitement in his eyes.

"George! Could you hel-

"Not now, Jordan!", he left Lee speechless and shocked on place, which made you laugh, "Sorry, Lee!", you apologized.

You could hear a few 'ooohh's and some whistles coming from your friends mouths as you and George quickly went up to his dorm.

Went you arrived, your boyfriend made sure no one was in the room, and the proceeded to close the door shut with a charm. He strangely looked very nervous and excited at the same time, tripping on his own feet and making sure several times that the door was closed and everything was on place.

When he turned to face you and making sure that you were okay, he found you already sitting quietly on his bed, all smiles.

"Oh, darling... Sorry, I got carried away...", he says, embarrassed.

"Are you nervous, George Weasley?", you chuckled.

"Well, maybe...", he slowly started to walk towards you, "I've never had a pretty girl in my room..."

"You liar!", you laughed.

"But you love me...", he said, slowly leaning towards you.

"I surely do...", and with that, George starts kissing you gently, at first; making sure you were comfortable, and when he felt you deepening the kiss, he took it as a green light to sit next to you and push his tongue inside your mouth.

You moaned in his mouth; you felt extremely nervous, anticipating what was about to happen, but you knew that you wanted it. So to relax yourself, you put your hands on his chest, feeling his heart, focusing on its beat.

George took it as a signal to start touching your body. First putting one his hand on the back of your neck, asking more of you. Then, his other hand found its place on your thigh, his warm hand bringing you comfort.

As you kept kissing more and more passionately, his hand slowly went up and down your leg, making you shiver at his touch. You knew you wanted him, right there and right now. All your previous thoughts completely gone now, only replaced by excitement and anticipation.

Trying to lay you down on the bed, George accidentally placed his hand on the inside of your thigh, making you moan at the surprise.

What you didn't know, is that he swore to himself that it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and he was way more than ready to hear more of you.

"Can I...?", he asked, starting to unbutton your shirt.

"Of course you can...", you cupped his face and arched your back to kiss him again, this time more passionately and deeper. You started to feel hot, to feel excited... Feeling a hot and extremely pleasing sensation in your lower abdomen. You lift up your legs a little bit, and accidentally rubbed your left knee on George's crotch, which made him groan in your mouth.

You stopped the kiss and looked at him deep

in the eyes, admiring him. His pupils dilated, his lips slightly swollen from the kiss and his messy long ginger hair falling on his face.

"Merlin, I love you...", you breathlessly say, before taking him for another kiss and slightly pulling his hair, making him groan again.

"I... *kiss*... Love... *kiss*... You... *kiss*... More...", he said between kisses, slowly going from your jawline to your upper chest, passing from collarbone to collarbone.

You've never had someone kissing you as hungrily as he was, and you swore it was the best thing you've ever felt.

"Come here...", you whispered to him, tugging on his shirt so you could take it off.

He wasn't extremely muscular, but he surely was fit. And the contrast of all his freckles on his pale skin made him look even more handsome than he already was.

Both of you continued undressing the other, taking your time to make the other comfortable and not wanting to end the moment, until you knew you were ready.

"George, please... Now...", you said, almost breathless.

He smiled at you, placing a last small peck on your lips, and slowly started a trail of kisses from your jaw to your stomach.

"W-what are you doing?", you asked, already feeling dizzy from what he was doing to you.

"I'm taking my time... I want to make you feel good...", he smiled back, bringing back his attention to your skin and his kisses. He made sure to kiss every inch of your bare skin, leaving here and there marks that would sure be visible for a few days.

"Can I take these off, darling?", he asked, playing softly with the elastic of your panties.

"P-please...", you whispered.

He delicately took them off, and continued placing few kisses around your waist.

"George, fuck..."

"What do you need, sweetheart?", he devilishly smiled, locking eyes with you.

"You, I need you"

"As you wish...", and with that, he took your thighs between his hands, gently spreading your legs for him. You thought your body would automatically close them due to your vulnerable state, but it was nothing like that. He totally made sure you were okay with it and you were feeling more ecstatic than ever.

George blew lightly on your -now- swollen clit, making you breathe heavily. And in seconds, you found his head lost in between your legs. The moment his tongue was on you, you starting moaning. You've never felt anything like that before, not even when you touched yourself.

You automatically brought you hands to his hair, which made him groan.

"George, oh my god..."

"You like that, darling?", he asked, leaving kitten licks on your clit.

"Fffffffuck... I do...", you continued moaning.

He was doing wonders on your pussy, you couldn't believe how good it was feeling. In just a few minutes he had you already squirming under him, moaning all for him.

"Ssshhh... Quiet, darling... You don't want the others to hear you, right?", he says, making his way back up to your lips, allowing you to taste yourself for the first time. "Are you ready for more?"

"Y-yes..."

He went back to your clit, massaging it a little with his thumb, watching your reaction. George couldn't believe his eyes, you were, at this instant, the most beautiful view he could ever have.

With a smile he went back to work his tongue on your swollen clit, but this time, you felt some pressure at your entry. He put his arm on your lower abdomen to keep you in place, that being the hottest thing ever, and he slowly introduced a finger in you.

Since you were not used to it, you started to feel a light pressure, kind of annoying. But as his tongue was still working on you and he would introduce his finger very carefully in and out of you, the annoying feeling quickly disappeared. Only leaving more and more pleasure.

"George! Fuck...", you moaned again.

He didn't stop. On the contrary, he actually sped up a little bit his pace and slightly curled upward his finger, making your back almost arch by itself.

"Shit, that feels so good!"

"I can see that, darling...", he chuckled, licking and slightly nibbling your clit, "You're so beautiful..."

Almost unexpectedly, he introduced a second finger in you, owning a groan of pain in return. "I know darling, but I need to prepare you..."

You took a deep breath and tried to relax as much as you could, feeling your inner walls slowly relax around his fingers.

"Just like that, princess..."

The pleasure you were feeling now was insane. You couldn't even imagine how I'd feel to have him inside; and at the thought of that you started to feel extremely impatient, "Georgie, please, I need you... Now..."

"Are you sure?"

"For Goddrick's sake, yes!", you moaned, louder than before.

He smiled and started to replace his fingers with his tip, taking the time to use your wetness as lube. And then, he slowly entered you.

He put a hand next to your head, and the other one was on your upper thigh, helping him gain balance and not get too carried away and unintentionally hurt you. He watched your face slightly contort in pain, "Relax, darling... It's okay...", he tried to calm you.

You opened you eyes and looked a him, putting one hand on his cheek. He was so handsome...

When he felt you relax under him, he sunk deeper in you, completely stretching you. You didn't know if it was because it was your very first time or if it was because he was way above the average size... Maybe a little bit of both, he was huge!

But when the pain started to disappear, it only

made it better.

"George, honey... Please, move...", you pleaded, already feeling like you were going crazy at the feeling.

He did as you asked, sinking completely inside you and gently thrusting in and out. The firsts fee thrusts were still a little bit painful, but the pain was now accompanied with an extremely pleasing feeling, more powerful than the one you felt when George's tongue was working on your clit.

"O-oh my god... You feel so good...", you moaned, making him twitch inside you.

"And you're so tight for me, Y/N... You're doing so good... So good for me...", his grip on your thigh tightened, probably leaving marks for the next day.

Both of you continued enjoying the moment and the intimacy, George increasing a little bit his pace.

"F-faster... H-harder... Please...", you whined.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Fuck!", you threw you head back, your hand resting on your forehead.

George did as you asked and increased his pace. He could feel you tight walls closing even more around him due to your pleasure, and he felt like he could die right there and right now and he wouldn't even care.

"Fuck, Y/N...", he groaned, pushing into you and making you scream again, "I'm not going to last much longer... You feel so... Fucking... Good... FUCK!"

You were a moaning mess, you couldn't even think straight. The pain had almost completely disappeared, but the addition of it to all the pleasure you were feeling was a perfect combination.

And just when you thought you couldn't feel even more pleasure, George brought his hand to your clit and furiously started to rub it perfectly.

"FFFFFUCKKKK!", you nearly screamed, back arching into his chest. In just a few seconds you started feeling something warm build up in your lower abdomen, and it seems like George felt it too.

"Come on, darling. Let's do it together..."

He continued thrusting in and out of you, never leaving your clit and applying the correct pressure to it, making you come undone in seconds unexpectedly.

"GEORGE! Shit! I'm c-

"Me too, darling. Come on!"

"FUCK!"

And with a few more thrusts and a bunch of curses, you both came undone for the other. George helped you riding your orgasm, moaning at his own overstimulation, and when you finally calmed down, he dropped onto you.

Neither of you spoke, you were too busy trying to regain your breaths.

"That was..."

"Unbelievable!", he said, sounding like he was dying. That making you laugh.

"Are you okay?", you asked.

"Yeah, yeah! Don't worry about me!", he raised his hand and dropped it. You hugged him tightly and gently stroke his hair, "Thanks, Georgie... For this..."

He turned his head towards yours and locked eyes with yours. You could feel all the love and admiration in his eyes, warming your heart.

"No. Thank you... For loving me, and trusting me..."

You gently smiled and placed a loving kiss on his lips.

"I hope I didn't hurt you..."

"Not at all. You were perfect. More than perfect!"

He kissed your shoulder one last time, and nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck, "Let's take a nap..."

"It's almost 7pm!", you laughed.

"Mmhh... Don't care..."

You laughed and looked at him one last time, before slowly closing your eyes and fall asleep with you boyfriend in your arms. The last thought that crossed your mind was how much you loved that man... and how Lee and Fred were supposed to enter the room since George didn't have the time to lift up the charm on the door...

[sprinklesandshatters]

A Review on NCT 127′s 3rd Album <Sticker>

So NCT 127 just came back with their 3rd Full Album <Sticker> and this is my first 127 comeback since I became a fan last year! Neozone is such a special album for me as it was their first album that I explored entirely. I've known NCT as the group who never fails any expectations so I've kept mine up although I know they'll exceed it anyway. And guess what, they did! I absolutely love their new album hence this review~

This isn't a technical music review—as I am not a musician myself—but rather a listener's honest takes, goofy notes, and interpretation on each of the tracks in the album. I admit I've also struggled to build my own opinions on some of the tracks until I listened to them over and over again.

I have also heard there are mixed opinions on the title track <Sticker> and a lot says it's another acquired taste. But I think it's not just that, as it can be a grower, just like how most of NCT's songs were for me. Maybe after a few listens and a right passage of time, it will grow on those people. The bottom line here is, I like it a lot! 😛

So I listed down the songs according to their respective track numbers and followed each with a bulleted list of my opinions and interpretations.

(Viewer/reader discretion: before you continue, minors, do not interact as there are few 18+ contents under the cut. Thank you.)

1. Sticker

THEY DIDN'T JUST PUNCH A NEW NOTCH ON THE BELT LIKE THAT

THIS SONG SLAPS, LITERALLY SLAPS… AND WHIPS 

The recorder at the intro boyyyy I thought something was wrong but then I remember it’s NCT lmao

It already stuck in my head from my first listen from the Instagram audio.

With Taeyong opening the verse with his divine rapping, I knew I'm in for a new ride.

STICK-UH STICK-UGH STICK-UGHGHGH

To those complaining it sounding like noise music, imagine it sounding generic. I don't think it would fit as the title track. Not a b-track or in their repertoire, even. They are called NCT because they define the NEO in the music culture and music technology!

It honestly was an unorthodox, just like all of their title tracks, which I’m inherently here for.

Literally, no one does it like them!

The growls and the vocal flexes and adlibs! (You can tell it has Yoo Youngjin's brand.)

The crisp metronome sound that’s consistently ticking except for the pre-chorus and the dance break adds depth to the soundscape. I love how it’s used instead of the usual snaps.

The production quality blew my mind. Like how can someone think those melodies would sound so exquisite? CAN I CALL THEM GENIUS?

The piano at the back, oh my God—Yes! It adds this mystifying element to the song.

I'm not sure if it's a midi violin at the pre-chorus, but it added thrill to the song. It was a great transition from the bass line in the verses to the combination of the flawless harmony with the same instrumental.

"You treat me like a boy, like a grown-up child chasing a dream" JUNGWOO BABY NO MORE HUH

Taeil, Doyoung, and Haechan—the bridge vocal trinity!

But why the heck are they cowboys? I dig the concept, but why? LMAO

BTW GUNSLINGER MARK I’M ON MY KNEES YEEHAW

This is easily one of my favorite tracks from NCT 127's entire discography 💚

2. Lemonade

(⌐■_■)

Jaehyun starting off this song with his deep voice eee

The song opens to a verse oozing with chill confidence. They're like, yeah you're lurking because we’re cool.

This is such a huge slap to their haters. NCT's not chillin' like a villain, nah they're the main characters!

Well maybe they’re villains, but still ya not cooler than them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Funny enough how they could have just referred haters as simply lemons whose sour/bitter to the taste, but 127 squad's success is sweeter than all the haters' spiteful remarks so yeah, SIPPY SIPPY LEMONADE 🧃

"WOOF"

I might have just barked too wOW

Yuta’s vocals hooooO his voice just sounds so glamorous mhmm

Also Mark referencing their previous title tracks such as: Firetruck, Cherry Bomb, and Regular (it's Irregular in the lyrics) in his rap part 👌💅

I just love Mark's energy when he raps. HE RESOLUTELY BITES AND STRAIGHT UP EATS EVERY TIME HE DOES.

3. Breakfast

Now breakfast time, oh jeez!

AAAHAHFU—

Summer 127's bestie!

If Summer 127 talks about dancing all night long, Breakfast is the morning after.

You know what it is.

"Even if I gulp and drink you, it's not enough for me." oho Taeyong no you ha—STOP

Sexual innuendos aside, isn't it just sweet if someone tells you they'd want to have breakfast with you every day?  Okay maybe I'm melting at the thought 😩🙈💞

And I can see myself dancing to this song as I make breakfast (in the afternoon or at midnight bc I’m crazy)

This was an okay b-track for me at the first skim on the album, but boy it grew on me wildly.

Honestly one of my favorite tracks in this album.

4. Focus

Did I just invade a private call? LMAO

The analog voice filters make it like so.

Dude, this feels intimate in the level of eavesdropping a phone call between seasoned lovers. Then you realize you hear them whispering their kinks over the line and you're ooh, that's sexy! hfgklhfhf

My first listen to this, I almost went feral because,

"I can't wait to eat you…" when it's actually "I can't wait 'til we chill…" aahaha

"Baby call me when you want me." OKAY!

This sounds relaxing and chill. I'd love to play this on a late night drive or just before bed time along with Fly Away With Me, Sun & Moon, My Youth, and Long Flight.

Belongs to ‘make out session’ playlist  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

That was lowkey a playlist recommendation, huh?

I'd be kidding if I don't say I could touch myself while listening to this song AHAHAFGHFJFJ

I didn't know this would grow on me this much lol I love love LOVE THIS!

5. The Rainy Night

Ooh, the holy melancholy!

Piano at the intro—I knew I'd cry to this.

This song isn't just about break-up, but the heartbreak after one.

The yearning; the remnant pieces from the shattering of what was once there.

I think I crumbled from this one.

This hit so hard I felt like I fit in the shoes with the lyrics throughout the entire song.

What’s fascinating is I clearly forgot the title when I mentally said this sounds like a sad rainy day song from the first listen.

Something I’d turn up when it suddenly rains, just because I want to feel the blues.

Taeil and Haechan singing in lower register? I wanna cry :( they’re just one of the best vocalists in K-music industry right now.

Could have been also nice if they added Yuta to the vocals.

"My selfish heart who waits for you to come back," OKAY WHO HURT THEM?

And the fact that they sang it so good that it translated every ounce of the emotions well even before I looked up for English translations is the reason why I love this song too.

6. Far

Hmm… What the hell?! Do I like this? Wait...

Alright!

The jumpy vibe from the first verse to the pre-chorus set the mood for this song. It sounds merry and heavy. It was honestly too much to take until I’ve reached the chorus part.

Honestly, I think this song could fit NCT Dream better, as it gives off a vibe similar to Hello Future's b-tracks. If some credible source say this could have made HF’s track list, I might believe you too fast.

Also Dream’s Deja Vu where they go na nananananana na na na~

Playful yet confident! That’s what I mean!

As usual, the vocals are insane! Vocal flex from left to right!

I swear Jungwoo sounded a bit like Taemin at the second verse that I had to replay it hahaha

I love hearing Johnny as a vocalist! SM, how many signs do you need until you utilize his vocal talent???

Taeil's part where he sings, "go nuts, go nuts, 'til we go bust, go bust" IDEK BUT I SNORTED A LAUGH AT FIRST LISTEN HFCAHKFHK

Not my favorite, but still great though!

But wait it’s actually stuck in my head???

7. Bring The Noize

Yes, they never beat those noise music allegations

HERE'S SOME NOIZE, BITCHES

I love me some noisy percussions. AND THE BASS YO

This screams so much confidence!

The build up from the pre-chorus to the chorus—FIRE!

This song reminds me a lot of SuperM's Super Car, especially with the engine roar samples and the battle cry-like singing at the chorus.

JAEHYUN RAPPING? You mean Jaehyun the visual, the vocalist, the actor, the model, the funny dude, aka my everything?! (markie bb look pls look away for a moment)

THEY DELIVERED IT STRAIGHT FROM NEOCITY THAT'S SOME NCT MUSIC RIGHT THERE NO ONE DOES IT LIKE THEM

When I said I'd play Focus on a late night drive, and if I add this in the playlist, VROOM VROOM SPEED LIMIT WHAT

OUTTA MY WAY

“We got no shame” ouh TAEYONG’S FLOW IS JUST VERY HIM AND HE’S IN A LEAGUE OF HIS OWN

You know what's so clever about this song? It's how it ended with Mark's final rap without any instrumental, leaving you  standing there with a doppler effect-like post experience.

A super car on a super speed just whooshed past you and you look its way as it zips through the road. It's gone in an instant but you're floored dumbfounded at a sidewalk. That's how I describe this song.

8. Magic Carpet Ride

This song… Wow. Oh gosh it's so beautiful.

Their harmony in the chorus—it makes me want to kiss someone so passionately that I'd cry.

This makes me want to feel love that transcends the universe. Literally, just please take me on a magic carpet ride :(

The background harmonies too oh my goodness—HEAVENLY.

Jaehyun's voice is so warm and soulful it fits perfectly with songs of this genre.

Okay alright Doyoung Grande!

And Taeil makes me feel like I'm listening to old school R&B.

The first time I heard this from the track video, I can't stop replaying because it's just that great.

This makes me want to love. I think that sums it up.

9. Road Trip

This is such a soothing song for me, especially how I easily become nostalgic thinking about the road trips I've had.

Whenever I listen to this, my brain immediately conjures up thoughts of my ideal getaways. Gazing at the sky through the car window, stirring up from a nap in the middle of the ride, and   eventually reaching your destination.

Oh, to travel around anywhere... (curse you covid-19)

Okay that's it. I'M PACKING UP.

But where do I go—

I could also imagine Mark playing this on the guitar and the other members sing along together, something like that.

Just Wholesome™ vibes.

I love how it evokes such a nice emotion within me effortlessly.

This isn't my favorite, but I still love this.

10. Dreamer

Eyyyy such a refreshing song!

This song is so bright it makes me want to dance. I play this first in the shower!

It reminds me so much of Elevator (from Neozone)

The horns make it more lively I think!

Yuta and Jungwoo's voice suits lively songs like this.

The background vocal in low register in Taeyong's part in the first verse is so good ahhfhf

Taeil, the R&B vocal king you are...

There's this part where Doyoung and Johnny harmonized, that at first listen they seemed to clash, but it sounded actually fine after a few listens. Maybe it's just that I've never heard them do it before.

And I think it's Doyoung's laugh at the end of the bridge? Oh my goodness I really love this too!

11. Promise You

MY FIRST LOVE AND MOST FAVORITE SONG IN THE ALBUM!!!

The first time I heard this from their NCIT Sharehouse Sitcom, I fell in love with the song already.

It sounds like something you'd feel from a warm, welcoming hug.

The lyrics are so beautiful and endearing. It's definitely a be-there-for-you type of song that will touch your heart.

It definitely sounds like a promise.

A song about platonic intimacy.

This really fits to be the closing song of the album. It's like the end of it but holds a promise that says “see you soon.”

Because they cherish their fans like that.

It's also like I've watched a movie with a happy ending, where the camera pans up to the clear sky and this song starts playing.

Speaking of ending, I would love to hear them sing this as an encore stage in their concert. You know, that moment just before the stage lights die down at the end of the concert where they send final blows of flying kisses to NCTzens. Then you come home smiling and crying.

This wasn't supposed to be this long since I originally planned to write this with just simple phrases and emojis but I got too engrossed lol. I also meant to include my own ratings but I figured it’s pointless since I can’t really decide about them hahaha

I really enjoyed the whole album and I love how they're progressively defining what NEO means by breaking through standards. It's not NCT music if it doesn't make you say "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" But then you realize it’s stuck in your head and you’re enjoying it already.

✨ OVERALL RATING: 127/10 💚

if you’ve reached until here, thank you for letting me share you a braincell or two 💞

[potteresque-ire]

Can you talk more about the usage of the word "wife" to talk about men in the BL context? I've noticed it in BJYX (particularly with GG), in the (English translations) of MDZS, and then it came up in your recent posts about Danmei-101 (which were super helpful btw) with articles connecting the "little fresh meat" type to fans calling an actor "wife." My initial reaction as a westerner is like "this is very problematic," but I think I'm missing a lot of language/cultural context. Any thoughts?

Hello! First of all, for those who’re interested, here’s a link to the referred posts. Under the cut is arguably the 4th post of the series. As usual, I apologise for the length!

(Topics: seme and uke; more about “leftover women”; roster of feminisation terms; Daji, Bao Si & the origin of BJYX; roster of beautiful, ancient Chinese men; Chairman Mao (not part of the roster) ...)

[TW: feminisation of men]

In the traditional BL characterisation, the M/M (double male) lead pairing is essentially a cis-het relationship in disguise, in which one of the M leads is viewed as the “wife” by the creator and audience. This lead often possesses some of the features of the traditional, stereotypical female, but retaining his male appearance. 

In BL terms, the “wife” is the “uke”. “Seme” and “uke” are the respective roles taken by the two male leads, and designated by the creator of the material. Literally, “seme” (攻め) means the dominant, the attacking / aggressive partner in the relationship and “uke” (受け), the passive / recipient (of actions) partner who tends to follow the seme’s lead. The terms themselves do not have any sexual / gender context.  However, as male and female are viewed as aggressive and passive by their traditional social roles, and the attacker and recipient by their traditional sexual roles respectively, BL fandoms have long assigned uke, the passive, sexual “bottom”, as the “woman”, the “wife”. 

Danmei has kept this “semi” and uke” tradition from BL, taking the kanji of the Japanese terms for designation ~ 攻 (”attack” is therefore the “husband”, and 受 (”receive”), the “wife”. The designations are often specified in the introduction / summary of Danmei works as warning / enticement. For MDZS, for example, MXTX wrote:

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 × 邪魅狂狷風騷 受

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 = noble, coolly beautiful and boring seme (referring to LWJ)  邪魅狂狷風騷 受 = devilishly charming, wild, and flirty uke (referring to WWX) 

The traditional, stereotypical female traits given to the “uke”, the “wife” in Danmei and their associated fanworks range from their personality to behaviour to even biological functions. Those who have read the sex scenes in MDZS may be aware of their lack of mention of lube, while WWX was written as getting (very) wet from fluids from his colon (腸道) ~ implying that his colon, much like a vagina, was supplying the necessarily lubrication for sex. This is obviously biologically inaccurate; however, Danmei is exempt from having to be realistic by its original Tanbi definition. The genre’s primary audience is cishet females, and sex scenes such as this one aren’t aiming for realism. Rather, the primary goal of these sex scenes is to generate fantasy, and the purpose of the biologically female functions in one of the leads (WWX) is to ease the readers into imagining themselves as the one engaging in the sex.

Indeed, these practices of assigning as males and female the M/M sexual top and bottom, of emphasising of who is the top and who is the bottom, have been falling out of favour in Western slash fandoms ~ I joined fandom about 15 years ago, and top and bottom designations in slash pairings (and fights about them) were much more common than it is now.  The generally more open, more progressive environments in which Western fandomers are immersed in probably have something to do with it: they transfer their RL knowledge, their views on biology, on different social into their fandom works and discourses. 

I’d venture to say this: in the English-speaking fandoms, fandom values and mainstream values are converging. “Cancel culture” reflects an attempt to enforce RL values in the fictional worlds in fandom. Fandom culture is slowly, but surely, leaving its subculture status and becoming part of mainstream culture. 

I’d hesitate to call c-Danmei fandoms backward compared to Western slash for this reason. There’s little hope for Danmei to converge with China’s mainstream culture in the short term ~ the necessity of replacing Danmei with Dangai in visual media already reflects that. Danmei is and will likely remain subculture in the foreseeable future, and subcultures, at heart, are protests against the mainstream. Unless China and the West define “mainstream” very similarly (and they don’t), it is difficult to compare the “progressiveness”—and its dark side, the “problematic-ness”—of the protests, which are shaped by what they’re protesting against. The “shaper” in this scenario, the mainstream values and culture, are also far more forceful under China’s authoritarian government than they are in the free(-er) world. 

Danmei, therefore, necessarily takes on a different form in China than BL or slash outside China. As a creative pursuit, it serves to fulfil psychological needs that are reflective of its surrounding culture and sociopolitical environment. The genre’s “problematic” / out of place aspects in the eyes of Western fandoms are therefore, like all other aspects of the genre, tailor-made by its millions of fans to be comforting / cathartic for the unique culture and sociopolitical background it and they find themselves in. 

I briefly detoured to talk about the Chinese government’s campaign to pressure young, educated Chinese women into matrimony and motherhood in the post for this reason, as it is an example of how, despite Western fandoms’ progressiveness, they may be inadequate, distant for c-Danmei fans. Again, this article is a short and a ... morbidly-entertaining read on what has been said about China’s “leftover women” (剩女) — women who are unmarried and over 27-years-old). I talked about it, because “Women should enter marriage and parenthood in their late 20s” may no longer a mainstream value in many Western societies, but where it still is, it exerts a strong influence on how women view romance, and by extension, how they interact with romantic fiction, including Danmei.

In China, this influence is made even stronger by the fact that Chinese tradition  places a strong emphasis on education and holds a conservative attitude towards romance and sex. Dating while studying therefore remains discouraged in many Chinese families. University-educated Chinese women therefore have an extremely short time frame — between graduation (~23 years old) and their 27th birthday — to find “the right one” and get married, before they are labelled as “leftovers” and deemed undesirable. (Saving) face being an important aspect in Chinese culture introduces yet another layer of pressure: traditionally, women who don’t get married by the age agreed by social norms have been viewed as failures of upbringing, in that the unmarried women’s parents not having taught/trained their daughters well. Filial, unmarried women therefore try to get married “on time” just to avoid bringing shame to their family.

The outcome is this: despite the strong women characters we may see in Chinese visual media, many young Chinese women nowadays do not expect themselves to be able to marry for love. Below, I offer a “book jacket summary” of a popular internet novel in China, which shows how the associated despair also affects cis-het fictional romance. Book reviews praise this novel for being “boring”: the man and woman leads are both common working class people, the “you-and-I”’s; the mundaneness of them trying build their careers and their love life is lit by one shining light: he loves her and she loves him. 

Written in her POV, this summary reflects, perhaps, the disquiet felt by many contemporary Chinese women university graduates:

曾經以為，自己這輩子都等不到了—— 世界這麼大，我又走得這麼慢，要是遇不到良人要怎麼辦？早過了「全球三十幾億男人，中國七億男人，天涯何處無芳草」的猖狂歲月，越來越清楚，循規蹈矩的生活中，我們能熟悉進而深交的異性實在太有限了，有限到我都做好了「接受他人的牽線，找個適合的男人慢慢煨熟，再平淡無奇地進入婚姻」的準備，卻在生命意外的拐彎處迎來自己的另一半。

I once thought, my wait will never come to fruition for the rest of my life — the world is so big, I’m so slow in treading it, what if I’ll never meet the one? I’ve long passed the wild days of thinking “3 billion men exist on Earth, 0.7 of which are Chinese. There is plenty more fish in the sea.” I’m seeing, with increasing clarity, that in our disciplined lives, the number of opposite-sex we can get to know, and get to know well, is so limited. It’s so limited that I’m prepared to accept someone’s matchmaking, find a suitable man and slowly, slowly, warm up to him, and then, to enter marriage with without excitement, without wonder. But then, an accidental turn in my life welcomes in my other half.

— Oath of Love (餘生，請多指教) (Yes, this is the novel Gg’d upcoming drama is based on.) 

Heteronormativity is, of course, very real in China. However, that hasn’t exempted Chinese women, even its large cis-het population, from having their freedom to pursue their true love taken away from them. Even for cis-het relationships, being able to marry for love has become a fantasy —a fantasy scorned by the state. Remember this quote from Article O3 in the original post? 

耽改故事大多远离现实，有些年轻受众却将其与生活混为一谈，产生不以结婚和繁衍为目的才是真爱之类的偏颇认知。

Most Dangai stories are far removed from reality; some young audience nonetheless mix them up with real life, develop biased understanding such as “only love that doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations is true love”. 

I didn’t focus on it in the previous posts, in an effort to keep the discussion on topic. But why did the op-ed piece pick this as an example of fantasy-that-shouldn’t-be-mixed-up-with-real-life, in the middle of a discussion about perceived femininity of men that actually has little to do with matrimony and reproduction? 

Because the whole point behind the state’s “leftover women” campaign is precisely to get women to treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations, not beautiful sceneries that happen along the way. And they’re the state’s destination as more children = higher birth rate that leads to higher future productivity. The article is therefore calling out Danmei for challenging this “mainstream value”.

Therefore, while the statement True love doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations may be trite for many of us while it may be a point few, if any, English-speaking fandoms may pay attention to, to the mainstream culture Danmei lives in, to the mainstream values dictated by the state, it is borderline subversive.

As much as Danmei may appear “tame” for its emphasis on beauty and romance, for it to have stood for so long, so firmly against China’s (very) forceful mainstream culture, the genre is also fundamentally rebellious.  Remember: Danmei has little hope of converging with China’s mainstream unless it “sells its soul” and removes its homoerotic elements. 

With rebelliousness, too, comes a bit of tongue-in-cheek.

And so, when c-Danmei fans, most of whom being cishet women who interact with the genre by its traditional BL definition, call one of the leads 老婆 (wife), it can and often take on a different flavour. As said before, it can be less about feminizing the lead than about identifying with the lead. The nickname 老婆 (wife) can be less about being disrespectful and more about humorously expressing an aspiration—the aspiration to have a husband who truly loves them, who they do want to get married and have babies with but out of freedom and not obligation.

Admittedly, I had been confused, and bothered by these “can-be”s myself. Just because there are alternate reasons for the feminisation to happen doesn’t mean the feminisation itself is excusable. But why the feminisation of M/M leads doesn’t sound as awful to me in Chinese as in English? How can calling a self-identified man 老婆 (wife) get away with not sounding being predominantly disrespectful to my ears, when I would’ve frowned at the same thing said in my vicinity in English?

I had an old hypothesis: when I was little, it was common to hear people calling acquaintances in Chinese by their unflattering traits:  “Deaf-Eared Chan” (Mr Chan, who’s deaf), “Fat Old Woman Lan” (Ah-Lan, who’s an overweight woman) etc—and the acquaintances were perfectly at ease with such identifications, even introducing themselves to strangers that way. Comparatively speaking then, 老婆 (wife) is harmless, even endearing. 

老婆, which literally means “old old-lady” (implying wife = the woman one gets old with), first became popularised as a colloquial, casual way of calling “wife” in Hong Kong and its Cantonese dialect, despite the term itself being about 1,500 years old. As older generations of Chinese were usually very shy about talking about their love lives, those who couldn’t help themselves and regularly spoke of their 老婆 tended to be those who loved their wives in my memory. 老婆, as a term, probably became endearing to me that way. 

Maybe this is why the feminisation of M/M leads didn’t sound so bad to me?

This hypothesis was inadequate, however. This custom of identifying people by their (unflattering) traits has been diminishing in Hong Kong and China, for similar reasons it has been considered inappropriate in the West.

Also, 老婆 (wife) is not the only term used for / associated with feminisation. I’ve tried to limit the discussion to Danmei, the fictional genre; now, I’ll jump to its associated RPS genre, and specifically, the YiZhan fandoms. The purpose of this jump: with real people involved, feminisation’s effect is potentially more harmful, more acute. Easier to feel. 

YiZhan fans predominantly entered the fandoms through The Untamed, and they’ve also transferred Danmei’s  “seme”/“uke” customs into YiZhan. There are, therefore, three c-YiZhan fandoms:

博君一肖 (BJYX): seme Dd, uke Gg 戰山為王 (ZSWW): seme Gg, uke Dd 連瑣反應 (LSFY): riba Gg and Dd. Riba = “reversible”, and unlike “seme” and “uke”, is a frequently-used term in the Japanese gay community. 

BJYX is by far the largest of the three, likely due to Gg having played WWX, the “uke” in MDZS / TU. I’ll therefore focus on this fandom, ie. Gg is the “uke”, the “wife”.

For Gg alone, I’ve seen him being also referred to by YiZhan fans as (and this is far from a complete list):

* 姐姐 (sister) * 嫂子 (wife of elder brother; Dd being the elder brother implied) * 妃妃 (based on the very first YiZhan CP name, 太妃糖 Toffee Candy, a portmanteau of sorts from Dd being the 太子 “prince” of his management company and Gg being the prince’s wife, 太子妃. 糖 = “candy”. 太妃 sounds like toffee in English and has been used as the latter’s Chinese translation.) * 美人 (beauty, as in 肖美人 “Beauty Xiao”) * Daji 妲己 (as in 肖妲己, “Daji Xiao”). 

The last one needs historical context, which will also become important for explaining the new hypothesis I have.

Daji was a consort who lived three thousand years ago, whose beauty was blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. Gg (and men sharing similar traits, who are exceptionally rare) has been compared to Daji 妲己 for his alternatively innocent, alternatively seductive beauty ~ the kind of beauty that, in Chinese historical texts and folk lores, lead to the fall of kingdoms when possessed by the king’s beloved woman. This kind of “I-get-to-ruin-her-virginity”, “she’s a slut in MY bedroom” beauty is, of course, a stereotypical fantasy for many (cis-het) men, which included the authors of these historical texts and folklores. However, it also contained some truth: the purity / innocence, the image of a virgin, was required for an ancient woman to be chosen as a consort; the seduction, meanwhile, helped her to become the top consort, and monopolise the attention of kings and emperors who often had hundreds of wives ~ wives who often put each other in danger to eliminate competition. 

Nowadays, women of tremendous beauty are still referred to by the Chinese idiom 傾國傾城, literally, ”falling countries, falling cities”. The beauty is also implied to be natural, expressed in a can’t-help-itself way, perhaps reflecting the fact that the ancient beauties on which this idiom has been used couldn’t possibly have plastic surgeries, and most of them didn’t meet a good end ~ that they had to pay a price for their beauty, and often, with their lowly status as women, as consorts, they didn’t get to choose whether they wanted to pay this price or not. This adjective is considered to be very flattering. Gg’s famous smile from the Thailand Fanmeet has been described, praised as 傾城一笑: “a smile that topples a city”.

I’m explaining Daji and 傾國傾城 because the Chinese idiom 博君一笑 “doing anything to get a smile from you”, from which the ship’s name BJYX 博君一肖  was derived (笑 and 肖 are both pronounced “xiao”), is connected to yet another of such dynasty-falling beauty, Bao Si 褒姒. Like Daji before her, Bao Si was blamed for the end of the Zhou Dynasty in 771 BC. 

The legend went like this: Bao Si was melancholic, and to get her to smile, her king lit warning beacons and got his nobles to rush in from the nearby vassal states with their armies to come and rescue him, despite not being in actual danger. The nobles, in their haste, looked so frantic and dishevelled that Bao Si found it funny and smiled. Longing to see more of the smile of his favourite woman, the king would fool his nobles again and again, until his nobles no longer heeded the warning beacons when an actual rebellion came. 

What the king did has been described as 博紅顏一笑, with 紅顏 (”red/flushed face”) meaning a beautiful woman, referring to Bao Si. Replace 紅顏 with the respectful “you”, 君, we get 博君一笑. If one searches the origin of the phrase 博 [fill_in_the_blank]一笑 online, Bao Si’s story shows up.

The “anything” in ”doing anything to get a smile from you” in 博君一笑, therefore, is not any favour, but something as momentous as giving away one’s own kingdom. c-turtles have remarked, to their amusement and admittedly mine, that “king”, in Chinese, is written as 王, which is Dd’s surname, and very occasionally, they jokingly compare him to the hopeless kings who’d give away everything for their love. Much like 傾國傾城 has become a flattering idiom despite the negative reputations of Daji and Bao Si for their “men-ruining ways”, 博君一笑 has become a flattering phrase, emphasising on the devotion and love rather than the ... stupidity behind the smile-inducing acts. 

(Bao Si’s story, BTW, was a lie made up by historians who also lived later but also thousands of years ago, to absolve the uselessness of the king. Warning beacons didn’t exist at her time.)  

Gg is arguably feminized even in his CP’s name. Gg’s feminisation is everywhere. 

And here comes my confession time ~ I’ve been amused by most of the feminisation terms above. 肖妲己 (”Daji Xiao”) captures my imagination, and I remain quite partial to the CP name BJYX. Somehow, there’s something ... somewhat forgivable when the feminisation is based on Gg’s beauty, especially in the context of the historical Danmei / Dangai setting of MDZS/TU ~ something that, while doesn’t cancel, dampens the “problematic-ness” of the gender mis-identification.

What, exactly, is this something?

Here’s my new hypothesis, and hopefully I’ll manage to explain it well ~

The hypothesis is this: the unisex beauty standard for historical Chinese men and women, which is also breathtakingly similar to the modern beauty standard for Chinese women, makes feminisation in the context of Danmei (especially historical Danmei) flattering, and easier to accept.

What defined beauty in historical Chinese men? If I am to create a classically beautiful Chinese man for my new historical Danmei, how would I describe him based on what I’ve read, my cultural knowledge?

Here’s a list:

* Skin fair and smooth as white jade * Thin, even frail; narrow/slanted shoulders; tall * Dark irises and bright, starry eyes * Not too dense, neat eyebrows that are shaped like swords ~ pointed slightly upwards from the center towards the sides of the face * Depending on the dynasty, nice makeup.

Imagine these traits. How “macho” are they? How much do they fit the ideal Chinese masculine beauty advertised by Chinese government, which looks like below?

Propaganda poster, 1969. The caption says “Defeat Imperialist US! Defeat Social Imperialism!” The book’s name is “Quotations from Mao Zedong”. (Source)

Where did that list of traits I’ve written com from? Fair like jade, frail ... why are they so far from the ... “macho”ness of the men in the poster? 

What has Chinese history said about its beautiful men? 

Wei Jie (衛玠 286-312 BCE), one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men (古代四大美男) recorded in Chinese history famously passed away when fans of his beauty gathered and formed a wall around him, blocking his way. History recorded Wei as being frail with chronic illness, and was only 27 years old when he died. Arguably the first historical account of “crazy fans killing their idol”, this incident left the idiom 看殺衛玠 ~ “Wei Jie being watched to death.” ~ a not very “macho” way to die at all.

潘安 (Pan An; 247-300 BCE), another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, also had hoards of fangirls, who threw fruits and flowers at him whenever he ventured outside. The Chinese idiom 擲果盈車 “thrown fruit filling a cart” was based on Pan and ... his fandom, and denotes such scenarios of men being so beautiful that women openly displayed their affections for them. 

Meanwhile, when Pan went out with his equally beautiful male friend, 夏侯湛 Xiahou Zhan, folks around them called them 連璧 ~ two connected pieces of perfect jade. Chinese Jade is white, smooth, faintly glowing in light, so delicate that it gives the impression of being somewhat transparent.

Aren’t Wei Jie and Pan An reminiscent of modern day Chinese idols, the “effeminate” “Little Fresh Meat”s (小鲜肉) so panned by Article O3? Their stories, BTW, also elucidated the historical reference in LWJ’s description of being jade-like in MDZS, and in WWX and LWJ being thrown pippas along the Gusu river bank. 

Danmei, therefore, didn’t create a trend of androgynous beauty in men as much as it has borrowed the ancient, traditional definition of masculine Chinese beauty ~ the beauty that was more feminine than masculine by modern standards.  

[Perhaps, CPs should be renamed 連璧 (”two connected pieces of perfect jade”) as a reminder of the aesthetics’ historical roots.]

Someone may exclaim now: But. But!! Yet another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, 高長恭 (Gao Changgong, 541-573 BCE), far better known by his title, 蘭陵王 (”the Prince of Lanling”), was a famous general. He had to be “macho”, right?

... As it turns out, not at all. Historical texts have described Gao as “貌柔心壮，音容兼美” (”soft in looks and strong at heart, beautiful face and voice”), “白美類婦人” (”fair and beautiful as a woman”), “貌若婦人” (”face like a woman”). Legends have it that The Prince of Lanling’s beauty was so soft, so lacking in authority that he had to wear a savage mask to get his soldiers to listen to his command (and win) on the battlefield (《樂府雜錄》: 以其顏貌無威，每入陣即著面具，後乃百戰百勝).

This should be emphasised: Gao’s explicitly feminine descriptions were recorded in historical texts as arguments *for* his beauty. Authors of these texts, therefore, didn’t view the feminisation as insult. In fact, they used the feminisation to drive the point home, to convince their readers that men like the Prince of Lanling were truly, absolutely good looking.

Being beautiful like a women was therefore high praise for men in, at least, significant periods in Chinese history ~ periods long and important enough for these records to survive until today. Beauty, and so it goes, had once been largely free of distinctions between the masculine and feminine.

One more example of an image of an ancient Chinese male beauty being similar to its female counterpart, because the history nerd in me finds this fun. 

何晏 (He Yan, ?-249 BCE) lived in the Wei Jin era (between 2nd to 4th century), during which makeup was really en vogue. Known for his beauty, he was also famous for his love of grooming himself. The emperor, convinced that He Yan’s very fair skin was from the powder he was wearing, gave He Yan some very hot foods to eat in the middle of the summer. He Yan began to sweat, had to wipe himself with his sleeves and in the process, revealed to the emperor that his fair beauty was 100% natural ~ his skin glowed even more with the cosmetics removed (《世說新語·容止第十四》: 何平叔美姿儀，面至白。魏明帝疑其傅粉，正夏月，與熱湯餅。既啖，大汗出，以朱衣自拭，色轉皎然). His kick-cosmetics’-ass fairness won him the nickname 傅粉何郎 (”powder-wearing Mr He”).

Not only would He Yan very likely be mistaken as a woman if this scene is transferred to a modern setting, but this scene can very well fit inside a Danmei story of the 21st century and is very, very likely to get axed by the Chinese censorship board for its visualisation. 

[Important observation from this anecdote: the emperor was totally into this trend too.]

The adjectives and phrases used above to describe these beautiful ancient Chinese men ~ 貌柔, 音容兼美, 白美, 美姿儀, 皎然 ~ have all become pretty much reserved for describing beauty in women nowadays. Beauty standards in ancient China were, as mentioned before, had gone through significantly long periods in which they were largely genderless. The character for beauty 美 (also in Danmei, 耽美) used to have little to no gender association. Free of gender associations as well were the names of many flowers. The characters for orchid (蘭) and lotus (蓮), for example, were commonly found in men’s names as late as the Republican era (early 20th century), but are now almost exclusively found in women’s names. Both orchid and lotus have historically been used to indicate 君子 (junzi, roughly, “gentlemen”), which have always been men. MDZS also has an example of a man named after a flower: Jin Ling’s courtesy name, given to him by WWX,  was 如蘭 (”like an orchid”). 

A related question may be this: why does ancient China associate beauty with fairness, with softness, with frailty? Likely, because Confucianist philosophy and customs put a heavy emphasis on scholarship ~ and scholars have mostly consisted of soft-spoken, not muscular, not working-under-the-sun type of men. More importantly, Confucianist scholars also occupied powerful government positions. Being, and looking like a Confucianist scholar was therefore associated with status. Indeed, it’s very difficult to look like jade when one was a farmer or a soldier, for example, who constantly had to toil under the sun, whose skin was constantly being dried and roughened by the elements. Having what are viewed as “macho” beauty traits as in the poster above ~ tanned skin, bulging muscles, bony structures (which also take away the jade’s smoothness) ~ were associated with hard labour, poverty and famine.

Along that line, 手無縛雞之力 (“hands without the strength to restrain a chicken”) has long been a phrase used to describe ancient scholars and students, and without scorn or derision. Love stories of old, which often centred around scholars were, accordingly, largely devoid of the plot lines of husbands physically protecting the wives, performing the equivalent of climbing up castle walls and fighting dragons etc. Instead, the faithful husbands wrote poems, combed their wife’s hair, traced their wife’s eyebrows with cosmetics (畫眉)...all activities that didn’t require much physical strength, and many of which are considered “feminine” nowadays.

Were there periods in Chinese history in which more ... sporty men and women were appreciated? Yes. the Tang dynasty, for example, and the Yuan and Qing dynasties. The Tang dynasty, as a very powerful, very open era in Chinese history, was known for its relations to the West (via the Silk Road). The Yuan and Qing dynasties, meanwhile, were established by Mongolians and Manchus respectively, who, as non-Han people, had not been under the influence of Confucian culture and grew up on horsebacks, rather than in schools.

The idea that beautiful Chinese men should have “macho” attributes was, therefore, largely a consequence of non-Han-Chinese influence, especially after early 20th century. That was when the characters for beauty (美), orchid (蘭), lotus (蓮) etc began their ... feminisation. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which started its reign of the country starting 1949, also has foreign roots, being a derivative of the Soviets, and its portrayal of ideal men has been based on the party’s ideology, painting them as members of the People’s Liberation Army (Chinese army) and its two major proletariat classes, farmers and industrial workers ~ all occupations that are “macho” in their aesthetics, but held at very poor esteem in ancient Chinese societies. All occupations that, to this day, may be hailed as noble by Chinese women, but not really deemed attractive by them.

Beauty, being an instinct, is perhaps much more resistant to propaganda.

If anything, the three terms Article O3 used to describe “effeminate” men ~ 奶油小生 “cream young men” (popularised in 1980s) , 花美男 “flowery beautiful men” (early 2000s), 小鲜肉 “little fresh meat” (coined in 2014 and still popular now) ~ only informs me how incredibly consistent the modern Chinese women’s view of ideal male beauty has been. It’s the same beauty the Chinese Communist Party has called feminine. It’s the same beauty found in Danmei. It’s the same beauty that, when witnessed in men in ancient China, was so revered that historians recorded it for their descendants to remember. It doesn’t mean there aren’t any women who appreciate the "macho” type ~ it’s just that, the appreciation for the non-macho type has never really gone out of fashion, never really changed. The only thing that is really changing is the name of the type, the name’s positive or negative connotations.

(Personally, I’m far more uncomfortable with the name “Little fresh meat” (小鲜肉) than 老婆 (wife). I find it much more insulting.)

Anyway, what I’d like to say is this: feminisation in Danmei ~ a genre that, by definition, is hyper-focused on aesthetics ~ may not be as "problematic” in Chinese as it is in English, because the Chinese tradition didn’t make that much of a differentiation between masculine and feminine beauty. Once again, this isn’t to say such mis-gendering isn’t disrespectful; it’s just that, perhaps, it is less disrespectful because Chinese still retains a cultural memory in which equating a beautiful man to a beautiful woman was the utmost flattery. 

I must put a disclaimer here: I cannot vouch for this being true for the general Chinese population. This is something that is buried deep enough inside me that it took a lot of thought for me to tease out, to articulate. More importantly, while I grow up in a Chinese-speaking environment, I’ve never lived inside China. My history knowledge, while isn’t shabby, hasn’t been filtered through the state education system.

I’d also like to point out as well, along this line of thought, that in *certain* (definitely not all) aspects, Chinese society isn’t as sexist as the West. While historically, China has periods of extreme sexism against women, with the final dynasties of Ming and Qing being examples, I must (reluctantly) acknowledge Chairman Mao for significantly lifting the status of women during his rule. Here’s a famous quote of his from 1955:

婦女能頂半邊天 Women can lift half the skies

The first marriage code, passed in 1950, outlawed forced marriages, polygamy, and ensured equal rights between husband and wife.  For the first time in centuries, women were encouraged to go outside of their homes and work. Men resisted at first, wanting to keep their wives at home; women who did work were judged poorly for their performance and given less than 50% of men’s wage, which further fuelled the men’s resistance. Mao said the above quote after a commune in Guizhou introduced the “same-work-same-wage” system to increase its productivity, and he asked for the same system to to be replicated across the country. (Source)

When Chairman Mao wanted something, it happened. Today, Chinese women’s contribution to the country’s GDP remains among the highest in the world.  They make up more than half of the country’s top-scoring students. They’re the dominant gender in universities, in the ranks of local employees of international corporations in the Shanghai and Beijing central business districts—among the most sought after jobs in the country. While the inequality between men and women in the workplace is no where near wiped out — stories about women having to sleep with higher-ups to climb the career ladder, or even get their PhDs are not unheard of, and the central rulership of the Chinese Communist Party has been famously short of women — the leap in women’s rights has been significant over the past century, perhaps because of how little rights there had been before ~ at the start of the 20th century, most Chinese women from relatively well-to-do families still practised foot-binding, in which their feet were literally crushed during childhood in the name of beauty, of status symbol. They couldn’t even walk properly.

Perhaps, the contemporary Chinese women’s economic contribution makes the sexism they encounter in their lives, from the lack of reproductive rights to the “leftover women” label, even harder to swallow. It makes their fantasies fly to even higher, more defiant heights. The popularity of Dangai right now is pretty much driven by women, as acknowledged by Article O3. Young women, especially, female fans who people have dismissed as “immature”, “crazy”, are responsible for the threat the Chinese government is feeling now by the genre.

This is no small feat. While the Chinese government complains about the “effeminate” men from Danmei / Dangai, its propaganda has been heavily reliant on stars who have risen to popularity to these genres. The film Dd is currently shooting, Chinese Peacekeeping Force (維和部��), also stars Huang Jingyu (黄景瑜), and Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) ~ the three actors having shot to fame from The Untamed (Dangai), Addicted (Danmei), and Word of Honour (Dangai) respectively.  Zhang, in particular, played the “uke” role in Word of Honour and has also been called 老婆 (wife) by his fans. The quote in Article O3, “Ten years as a tough man known by none; one day as a beauty known by all” was also implicitly referring to him.

Perhaps, the government will eventually realise that millennia-old standards of beauty are difficult to bend, and by extension, what is considered appropriate gender expression of Chinese men and women. 

In the metas I’ve posted, therefore, I’ve hesitated in using terms such as homophobia, sexism, and ageism etc, opting instead to make long-winded explanations that essentially amount to these terms (thank you everyone who’s reading for your patience!). Because while the consequence is similar—certain fraction of the populations are subjected to systemic discrimination, abuse, given less rights, treated as inferior etc—these words, in English, also come with their own context, their own assumptions that may not apply to the situation. It reminds me of what Leo Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina,

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Discrimination in each country, each culture is humiliating, unhappy in its own way. Both sexism and homophobia are rampant in China, but as their roots are different from those of the West, the ways they manifest are different, and so must the paths to their dissolution. I’ve also hesitated on calling out individual behaviours or confronting individuals for this reason. i-Danmei fandoms are where i-fans and c-fans meet, where English-speaking doesn’t guarantee a non-Chinese sociopolitical background (there may be students from China, for example; I’m also ... not entirely Western), and I find it difficult to articulate appropriate, convincing arguments without knowing individual backgrounds.

Frankly, I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing. Because I do hope feminisation will soon fade into extinction, especially in i-Danmei fandoms that, if they continue to prosper on international platforms, may eventually split from c-Danmei fandoms along the cultural (not language) line due to the vast differences in environmental constraints. My hope is especially true when real people are involved, and c-fandoms, I’d like to note, are not unaware of the issues surrounding feminisation ~ it has already been explicitly forbidden in BJYX’s supertopic on Weibo. 

At the same time, I’ve spent so many words above to try to explain why beauty can *sometimes* lurk behind such feminisations. Please allow me to end this post with one example of feminisation that I deeply dislike—and I’ve seen it used by fans on Gg as well—is 綠茶 (”green tea”), from 綠茶婊 (”green tea whore”) that means women who look pure / innocent but are, deep down, promiscuous / lustful. In some ways, its meaning isn’t so different from Daji 妲己, the consort blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. However, to me at least, the flattery in the feminisation is gone, perhaps because of the character “whore” (婊), because the term originated in 2013 from a notorious sex party rather than from a legendary beauty so maligned that The Investiture of the Gods (封神演義), the seminal Chinese fiction written ~2,600 years after Daji’s death, re-imagined her as a malevolent fox spirit (狐狸精) that many still remembers her as today.

Ah, to be caught between two cultures. :)