#but also consider. fucking HILARIOUS if applied right.

[instantartific]

on that neon j 1010 family dynamic thing post tags- I THINK I WOULD GO CRAZY IF THEY WEREN'T ALSO SOLDIERS? I don't read a ton of fic but it's important to me that like. They're family in the way that being immediately willing to die for someone makes you family. 1010 are his """"sons"""" by technicality at best, because he LITERALLY made them to some degree- He has a ""father"" style role because if they need to be taught how to navigate the world in any kind of newfound awareness (if you do this) that's his job, or because he is directly responsible for their behavior by the public-

I dunno all of these things just live in my brain all the time rent free so like. The idea of boiling them down to any kind of nuclear or normal family doesn't even register- He calls them "Troops," and I can even see him in a more casual setting saying "Boys" (it is a boyband), but that dynamic of being soldiers in the same war (literal or metaphorical) and of being a team, or perhaps a powerful unit that functions at maximum capacity at all times because they need to HAVE that kind of potency in their dynamics to perform at 110%- that's so important to me

Listen to me I am going to grab and shake you around a bit (/positive) for a minute here hang on.

Bear with me as I dig up all the things I've said about this so far and this could be significantly more but I am dragging at least this up.

If they became sentient enough to question whether the things they sing about in their songs is something they've ever actually experienced, it makes sense that they'd look back at each other and question if what they have is that kind of "love." And of course, it isn't—they don't share the things they lie about in lyrics to make the fans swoon. And even if they tried, in application, it would feel... different from what they lie about even if the actions are the same. There's something missing in that that they aren't fully grasping and they assume it must be love. They don't love the Captain and they don't love each other because they don't want to seduce the Captain (it'd be violating so many things to even attempt that with someone that isn't their rank in the first place, if we bring the military aspect into this) and it feels... not the same to seduce each other. It doesn't work cleanly. They know there's something missing that they aren't grasping. Maybe they even look for this concept within each other and find there's something but it isn't quite that because all they know is pretend. ... If you asked them, they're certainly not siblings because they can't be, but they're also not lovers because they have something missing.

...

They're not siblings. But they have the concept of a brotherhood with each other and it's complicated but it's human. They became the people that they are now in relation to one another, in each other's gravity, they've been all intertwined since they began to conceive the concept of being unique.

The relationship they all have with their Captain is mutually straightforward—he commands, they obey, and he allows them room to relax and he actually tries to speak and bond with them—but with each other? Not so much.

So, sure. Let's call them... bandmates. Sailors. Soldiers. That's what their occupations are and their relationship to each other on paper, technically.

They may still have enough of the military aspect drilled into them that 'brothers in arms' feels comfortable despite the fact that they aren't at war anymore. They might shorten that to 'brothers,' in the sense they were if they were more of unit than a boyband.

At least that's a lot less difficult for them to say.

#sometimes i like it better if 1010 never call neon 'dad' because he's... he never can be their father. by definition. #he takes care of them but that's out of necessity. they work for him in a different way now but not much has changed. #they feel different for him now than they do the concept of just that man at war. #but even that is complicated.

#they can't call him j. #or neon. that's worse. #but captain is starting to feel too formal.

#where do you go from there?

#the relationship they all have with each other is so much more complicated than that. #they can't be siblings because they've never known what siblings are #and they can't be lovers because they've never known what love is outside of what they write for the fans and they don't do that.

#so. where do they go from here? #what else is there? #calling them family just feels like it isn't enough but I don't have a term for that and neither do they.

—

Continued under cut for space:

About the reason why they still call each other brothers, even if they don't remember anything of their former lives.

Because back then, even if it was programmed into them, they were brothers. They died for each other, they killed for each other, they lived for each other. They would spill blood for blood, trade life for life, if they could.

Now... they're. Different. They don't remember anything from back then, Neon made sure of that, but they still hold each other to that same regard, and it means something now that they're able to feel that bond they all have.

They're brothers now, not because they woke up together, but because they would still die for each other, still live for each other. They just don't cause harm, not anymore.

But they're able to say it to each other and mean it now.

#they arent /family/ they're BROTHERS.

#there's such a big difference in that and it drives me insane

#especially with the dynamics i write between each individual member with one another

#them actually having very close bonds with each other is so important okay

#dont let me get into zim and rin okay they are fucking tragic and i will not stop talking about it

—

Thinking about them naturally being able to form a different-but-similar bond with Neon, that he's their Captain but he also seems to fulfil other roles for them, too, so other titles also apply.

But them having complex relationships with one another is a concept that I love.

They're sailors. They protect each other. They kill for each other. They die for each other. They live for each other, even if they don't have to anymore and even if they're dispensable.

They have a hierarchy. They're all individuals outside of one another. They're all exactly the same. The only thing "unique" is a few colors and hairstyles, and that can change.

But they're also a... a boyband. Like, a BTS-esque boyband. A boyband that sings and dances and cannot stop talking about how sexy they and each other are, apparently.

—

Bonus funny thing that would also no longer be funny if you just assume they are only exactly like family and nothing else:

If they ever do QnA's, the number of questions they'd be asked that are outright laughable. Let alone some of the more questionable letters they might get. Imagine fandom antics but they can just send mail to the idols. Imagine if they're asked questions that make them have to troubleshoot through everything they are and are not allowed to say with each other and with Neon for good measure.

[evilminji]

Behold! o/ The Face Of Benevolent Evil!

Mr. Principle! A professional hero and educator!

Also possibly some sort of stoat hybrid! Certainly a chimera of Japanese fauna! With the Quirk High Specs, he is one of, if not THE, smartest beings on the planet of which he resides! With a background perfectly justifying a decent into hatred and villiany, he instead chose to channel his incredible world shaking intellect into the shaping of future generations!

He likes to fuck with people!

For FUNSIES~☆!

What can he say? It keeps a man young and mentally stimulated! Plus the hysterical screaming of his staff and students is HILARIOUS. He can even argue it makes for good reaction training! Unforseen situations, children! React!!! *psychotic chortling*

Mmmmm, yes. We all have our trauma responses. Ways we deal with them. He should probably find other means... but he won't! Tea and tormenting the student body make for good future heroes, you know! They adapt!

But! You may ask! Why am I introducing you to this... *polite yet somehow deeply threatening smile* c-completely sane and normal individual!? Esteemed educator that he is! Ha ha...

A good and not at a under threat question!

Villains? Are fuuuuuckin STUPID!

Doesn't matter how many PHDs you possess! In fact! That makes it WORSE! You moron! You absolute fool! No traveling circus would have you, you sub-rate CLOWN of a jingle jangle dunce jester! You have a god damn PHD! Possibly MULTIPLE PHD!

And you thought "ooooh I should go into cwiiiiime~☆"?

Do you hear yourself when you talk? DO YOU?! Ooooh boohoo. They won't let you study what you WANT to study. It's called an ETHICS BOARD. And YEAH, NO SHIT! Maybe get over it and keep you fucked up fantasies to your SELF.

Or? If you REALLY can't hold it in? Lay the ground work like EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE! You're not special! Everyone wants to play god! It's FUN! They let you have the COOL toys! But you have to EARN that shit! Not jump straight from graduation to "fucked up superscience"!

And? If it's NOT the Ethics Board? But just some bureaucrat on a power trip? You don't have to fucking STAY. This? This RIGHT HERE? Is why I-Island fucking EXSISTS.

APPLY.

They are SO MANY countries you could move too. SO MANY other labs. You actual DUMBASS.

But NO! You decided to commit to a fucked up underground Villian Lab. As though HUNTING THOSE isn't the PERSONAL fucking passion project of THE SMARTEST BEING IN JAPAN. Frankly? You deserve this. You deserve this and our school doesn't know you. Never heard of you. You whoms't?

Coulda changed the world. But instead all you did was piss of The Fuzzy White Demon Lord of UA. Rest in pieces. *click*

*sound of doors smashing open*

*violent Raid Upon Your Labs noises*

But! You may ask? What's IN the Lab?

What MAKES this a DP crossover?

I like your question asking spirit! Good one! And the answer? You know what's better then ONE(1) Nedzu? A second one that you can ACTUALLY control this time! After all! You could consider Mr. Principle a prototype. A proof of concept, if you will. If you were able to make ANOTHER.....

Well, you would set off EVERY. SINGLE. ALARM. Nedzu has set up!

All of them!

Because he don't PLAY THAT.

He has long last trauma from the labs and is the SOLE FUCKING SURVIVOR. There WERE others. They Did Not make it. And their slow agonizing deaths are carved into his brain for the rest of his life. Truely "The living shall envy the dead"; it was a place that made hell seem merciful.

When he declare Never Again?

He fucking MEANT Never Again. He will BURN your empires to ash, with you in them. No More Labs.

So :) You can IMAGINE :) HOW HAPPY HE IS :)

That someone out there is trying to RECREATE his SUPER traumatic childhood, on ANOTHER CHILD. Ha ha! Gonna be a second Nedzu huh? Planning to torture HIM like you did me, HUH? Shove him in a cage and treat him like an animal? Force him to watch as the others die? Collars and whips and cattle prods? Mazes?!

Nedzu may lose his shit.

Juuuuust a little bit.

But if anyone there knows what good for them? They saw NOTHING. What's a little PTSD flashback between friends? Now what is the baby?

Smashcut to said baby!

Because it was a TEAM effort, Danny was successful in "Nuh Uh!"ing out of Rulership. But NOT out of governance. Since he DID help. He's a Councilman now. It's? Not as bad as it could be, honestly. Since it's opened the Zone up to a more democratic system.

Still held by "kick the ass of the person you wanna replace" but still!

Babysteps.

Thing is? There was apparently this weird? Leak? Like a couple hundred years ago, in this one area, that was never addressed. Everyone just moved their doors and stuff. Treated it like the floors flooded. But now that they HAVE someone to complain too?

They all want their territories back.

"Go fix it!" What are we? Janitors?

Danny looses the rock, paper, scissors competition. He's pretty sure Boxy cheated. But like? Dude has a kid to go home too, so Danny doesn't fight him to hard on this. Uuuuuugh. Just remember the Spider-Man motto. Great power~ blah blah blaaaah~

And? Wow is it fucked out there.

The whole PLANET has to be limnal as FUCK. Yikes.

Problem is? When he and his team (Because YES, he HAS learned from his mistakes, Jazz.) get close to the... frankly the Zone here looks like distorted spiderwebbing. With him leading the charge, obviously.

....something happens.

It's... it's not a portal. Wrong color. It's like someone USED the weird spiderwebbing effect to... to reach INTO the Zone? But they are severally Limnal. Clawed hands, blue tint. But that's not the problem.

No, the problem.

The Horror.

The thing that his team can only watch on in agonized terror as it plays out... is that hand? It shoots out of nowhere. Ghostlike in the Zone. Meaning it must be living. And PLUNGES directly into Danny's chest to wrap around his core.

Time seems to slow.

He can't even scream in pain. At the violation. His team, acquaintances, yes, but friendly ones. Can not even cry out in horror, as they watch their friend and team lead be butchered before them. Before that uncaring hand is ripping back. Perfect ice and starlight in its uncaring grip.

For a terrible moment... he is in two places at once.

Then he is crushed in a burning grip. Like molten bars. Watching his own body dissolve into nothing in an instant, pain and horror still etched upon his face. The beginnings of screams ripping from his team as they jerk away from the nightmarish threat.

Then he can not think at all.

He... he TRIES. Knows he has been captured. Is certainly not the sort to give up easily. But... he's so tired. His body feels? Weird. Not wrong, per say. It's HIS. But... small and weird. Like he's shape shifted into a new form and hasn't adjusted yet.

....

.......

...........

He's getting really sick of all the goop against his whiskers and in his ears. It feels WEIRD against his fu- WAIT a second... did those assholes shove him into an animal? Why?! To contain him? Ha! Jokes on them! He's DONE THIS before!

For FUN!

He once spent a whole ass summer as a tiny dragon just 'CAUSE!

Unfortunately, said assholes notice him waking up. Dump him in a glorified hamster cage. But like.... a SHITTY "I don't care about the pet I bought" hamster cage. Dude. And he's naked.

Is that Japanese? Ooooh! It IS! Thank you, Tucker's Weeb phase.

......actually, never mind. Lotta dehumanizing language there, my guys. What is this? The GIW international? You couldn't even give me PANTS? Swear to God, call me an "it" ONE more time and the next time I have to go? I am going to aim through the bars at your-! *alarms going off*

....wasn't me.

I mean, be all means, ha ha and get fucked, but? Wasn't me. Oh hey! Some one exploded the doo-

AND? In Lab 4?

Nedzu finds a child with fluffy, ungroomed black and white fur, and the curious yet cautious eyes of a survivor. They are the most magnificent green, pale and luminous they glow in the laboratories lighting. Paws too big for his small frame, delicate ears on the swivel, equally large. Yet to grow into either. Adolescent, at best.

He watches the child take him in. Note his features and the chaos behind him. The injured scientist under his feet. Come to him conclusion. Nedzu will not rush him. Now that he... he stand the chance to be the hero he himself never had. It is a strange feeling. At once cathartic and unbearably painful.

He is given the equivalent of a cheerful grin, as the lad points the the lock on the cage. Is asked if he happened to bring a spare pair of pants. He can not help his amused chortle as he makes quick work of the lock. The unbearable RELIEF he feels.

He... he was not too late.

These monsters had no chance to crush the boy's light. To make a monster of him, like they did with him. He survived his laboratory, his hell. But not all of him left that terrible place. He knows that. Some innocence, some goodness, died alone in the dark. But here? He insured there would be no chance.

With amusement, he watches the boy turn the lab upside down until he finds spare scrubs. Triumphant, he then considers his own, tiny claws. Dismisses them. Attempts to hop up on a chair to retrieve something sharp. It? Is unbearably cute. To watch him rip and shred, problem solve. His little mind churning away. Whiskers twitching as his eyes dart around, considering his options.

Nedzu offers one of his spare knives.

Watches him light up.

Adorable~

@legitimatesatanspawn @hdgnj @nerdpoe @babbling-babull @lolottes

[ovaryacted]

Well let me send some soft!Leon.

Leon is the type of guy to be like “I may have gotten bitten by zombies and thrown against walls but like. That’s still better than period cramps.”

If he’s not away on a mission, I imagine he’d want to just lay in bed with you all day. He gives good snuggles. Gets tea and the heating pad.

But also, I had the hilarious imagine of Leon being real fucking clueless with the emotions of it. You know the meme of the girl over the toilet being pat on the back by a broom? That’s Leon. He’s like “there there” while keeping 10ft away from you.

Unironically if you run out of pads/tampons he probably texts you “what size coochie you wear?” Or whatever. But! If you tell him, that’s the only time you need to because he remembers.

Also, not embarrassed about getting period products. I mean, this guy is built like a house, and attractive as fuck everyone knows he’s picking stuff up for his lady. Probably getting head too let’s be honest.

He also picks up your face snack.

-angsty anon (I guess not angsty this time lol)

EEEEEEK thank you for sending this angsty (not so angsty) anon cause I actually feel like shit at work but this was so cute. Also I know the memes you’re talking about they’re deep in my gallery I can’t find them right now lmao. But yeah let me cook and self indulge cause I can. (And cause the cramps are starting to ramp up).

Disclaimer: I know everyone’s period cycle is different, this is not a one size fits all. I’m speaking generally, mostly about myself but yeah if it doesn’t apply let it fly and that’s okay! Leon would still be a good partner and meet your needs either way. 🫶

Leon to me is the type of guy that would provide comfort and humor whenever you need it and without you having to ask for it. He just cares, that’s all he does really. But of course, he’s aware that when your cycle hits, he has to be more aware of your emotions and what you need. He’s very in tune when it comes to tending to you, but he isn’t afraid to ask so he can give you exactly what you want.

If he isn’t at home, he’d probably have your cycle tracked on his phone so he knows when to send you a gift package or flowers just so you know he’s around. If he’s going on mission, he’d send those things in advance, and when he comes back home he’d bring your favorite food and snacks as a welcome present.

But when he is home and he knows your period is about to kickstart, he instantly goes into house husband mode. He knows the first few days are the toughest and it gets easier over time, but sometimes all you want to do is just stay curled up in bed and sleep the pain off. He’d be right there beside you, giving you tea and pain medication if you ask for it, making sure you have water nearby and a heating pad to help with your comfort. Clothing wise, he gives you his clothes, ones you already stole from him anyway, finding his boxers much more comfortable than the panties you have, and a baggy t-shirt that smells like him to ease your nerves.

He handles the chores in your living space, cleans the place up and does the laundry, plus he gets groceries and cooks if that’s what you request. When he does go out to do the shopping, he asks you what snacks you want, already having some in mind but double checks if you want something specific. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous your cravings are, he’ll give them to you without judgement. You can eat all the junk and sugar you want, so long as it helps with your mood he’ll get it. Or if you want fruits and things that are a bit easier to eat considering your nausea, he’ll get that too.

He buys your feminine products without shame, gets irritated about how expensive they are “because they should be free” according to him, and gets you an extra box for you to have in advance. There may be other people in the section watching him as he finds the exact brand and size you use, not that he cares if he’s being watched, and he can hear your voice in his head talking about it.

Get the all cotton ones with wings, medium-sized. The thicker ones are for overnight, so get me a pack too. Do not get the ones that say light flow or small, those don’t do shit!

Your emotions are all over the place, more sensitive and easily irritable by anything and everything. At times it scares him how fast your mood can change, but he doesn’t judge you for it, you can’t help the way your body behaves. He doesn’t hover over you, comes by to check in, see if you feel any better. If you ask him to cuddle with you, he’ll do that no questions asked, but if you don’t want to be touched, he’ll leave you alone and let you rest. It’s not personal to him, he gets it, somewhat at least. He’ll send you cute text messages with those silly emoticons from the living room, or send you a funny video he saw on social media (it didn’t make you laugh but it’s the thought that counts).

The mental aspects of your cycle can be debilitating at times, and it’ll make you second guess things that shouldn’t be in your head. Leon knows what that’s like, and he’s there for you to talk to if you need it. He’s ready with affirmations, soft words, and constantly tells you that he adores you and loves you. Shit that makes your heart warm and your mind shut up, he just supports you in whatever you need.

Now as for the secret period horniness that sometimes likes to sneak up on you, he’s also willing to provide. It doesn’t happen often, but he knows when it does. When you’re snuggled up into him and start shifting your hips against him, or when your breathing gets a bit shaky the moment his hands come up towards your thighs. He’s on your time, whatever you say goes, and he only does things if you ask for them. So if you say you want to be touched he’ll do it, he’ll caress you and massage your chest to ease the soreness you feel there. If you want to suck him off to appease to your oral fixation, he’ll let you, and happily keep your hair up and praise you along the way. And if you tell him you want to have sex with him, he’ll bring out the towels or propose a shower, whatever you decide he’s fine with. It doesn’t bother him, he’s seen so much blood and gore that this is the last of his concerns. Plus, orgasms help with period cramps so whatever helps you, he’ll do it.

Whatever you need, he’s willing to provide. Thats just the type of man and partner he is.

I need him. Im fucking sad.

[stormblessed95]

Hi Stormblessed (dope name btw),

Don't know if this is the best place for this essay or the right time but I need to word-vomit this out, or I'm gonna be a JK-style spaced out zombie all day.

It's a truth universally acknowledged that a big part of the fandom tends to mis-characterize the members based on edits, fanfics and out-of-context clips. Something probably mostly to do with how social media platforms have been pushing for these short videos over the last few years. Why watch 300 hours of original content (some of which is behind a paywall) if you can get the gist of it (you think) from TikToks?

My particular point has to do with how that allows for the narrative (aka made up shit) especially around Jimin to grow. All of the members get that treatment, the maknaes worse due to their popularity, but due to how a big part of Army are also tkk shippers, Jimin is the one who's portrayal often skews more negative. The others' perceptions just are neutral or fantastical in a sense that they're more like badly written male leads. Don't get me wrong, solos throwing around bs is nothing singular to him but no one gets accused (said completely seriously btw) of sleeping his way into BTS or the release of his album.

After I saw this vitriol for the first time I had to actually sit down because wtf.

And then I started wondering why that is, and came to the conclusion that it is:

(Internalized) misogyny and sexism

Blatant homophobia

Jimin is the member the most obviously in tune of his femininity. He hasn't subscribed to gender norms for a decade at least, and once his hyper-masculine-esque persona from the debut days was dismissed, he ventured further. (That isn't to dismiss the growth they all have shown in that area.)

But antis, akgaes, Solos and shippers take that femininity and apply every stereotype and misogynistic idea to JM.

Traits they f.e. hate:

He is openly flirty with many people (members especially)

He is very physical, and touch is arguably one of his love languages and go-to way of comforting smn

He is pretty af and knows it

He's sensual and sexy and knows it

He's cute

He's sweet (aka a good fucking human)

But why does that make "them" hate him so much?

Because they have been taught that these traits in women (like themselves) are bad. What makes it worse, however, is that the men around JM all know these things to be true, acknowledge them as true and compliment him on them. In the case of JK (since this is about Jikook at the end of the day):

He loves flirty JM despite sometimes not knowing how to handle him (ehem the 'shameless convo'). He flirts back (fe the whole live where he was in bed begging for JM to come over)

Tkkers and such love pulling the "JK hates it" card. Which is nonsense, considering how he seeks JM's comfort when he's down (esp during concerts), actively cuddles JM (In The Soop) and never uses all his big muscles to shove JM but rather to just carry him around. Compare that to the jokingly disgusted face Yoongi pulls when Tae tries to hold his hand, and it becomes glaringly obvious that no one who says the members dislike touching each other has a leg to stand on. Calling it harassment goes so far beyond any line of sanity...

JK - like all of BTS - acknowledges that Jimin's beauty is simply out of this world. They are regularly stunned by his appearance

Just gonna point to JK's reaction to Filter, Blood Sweat & Tears, Black Swan, and Set Me Free pt 2 here. JK calls JM sexy so often it's hilarious

* inserts clip of absolutely WHIPPED JK after JM cutely punches him during that performance of Boy With Luv *. Also we know that "cute" his JK's type as he himself admitted.

Jimin has been Jungkook's comfort person for so long, and with such depth that he dedicated a whole trip and video to him. They care for each other so deeply that the only logical conclusion was to go to the military together.

Aka: he is all that they hate in the girls/women in their normal life so they can't do nothing but tear him down. They envy how comfortable he seems in his own skin, how easily he goes from sexy to cute, how loved he is by those around him. On top of that is how gay people are still perceived and treated by a lot of countries around the world. No matter what they say, being an army and shipping men doesn't make you automatically an ally and non-homophobic.

They treat Jimin like they would most likely treat the lgtbqia+ people in real life: something to be careful of, someone dishonest and slutty.

They conflate everything they hate about themselves and gay people and * boom * out come frankly terrifying tweets, fanfics and shit.

Contrast that with how these very same people fetishize the relationship between Tae and Jungkook - either viewing them like men who watch p_rn involving two women, or a self-insert with how little character they have - and that's the state of the army shipping community. They could be Barbie dolls getting smashed together and you wouldn't know the difference.

I'm not saying Jikookers are better in that, but the language they tend to use is incredibly different.

---

That was a lot.

To end on a sweet note: I saw a quote on Twitter "If you want to find out what someone fears losing, look at what they photograph."

And...well. that just screams Jikook

Hi! Thank you, I like my name too 🥰

And yeah, basically I agree. I think there is more to it as well, but that a lot of it could be boiled down to all this. And yeah, jikookers are just as guilty of this too, but not always in the same way. Sometimes in a way that is more fetishizing but is just as harmful. Take it from someone who has seen it all in my inbox from people who feel safe on anon 😂😂

Thanks for sharing! And your quote at the end is SOOOOO cute!

[nighttimeebony]

My reactions, thoughts, and predictions that I had while reading Percy Jackson: The Titan's Curse. At least the ones I bothered to write down. Spoilers below the cut. Also, fair warning, this one is way longer than either of my previous reaction posts. I had a lot of thoughts.

EDIT: part 1, part 2, part 4, part 5

I feel I should mention that the Percy Jackson books have objectively the best chapter titles

The mental image of Sally driving Percy and his friends to get their ass beat like it's just an after-school sports club is hilarious to me

Ooh, Thalia has hypnosis wind

So Thalia didn't age while she was in that tree? Because I remember she was much older than Annabeth at the time of her death, but now she, Annabeth and Percy are all the same age. Huh. Okay then.

NICO DI ANGELO!!! I've heard about you! You're gay! And he has a sister! Oh I am delighted and ready to love them!

Thalia insulting Grover's music taste.

ANNABETH IS TALLER THAN PERCY

Aww, Nico defending his sister.

OH SHIT, IS THORN A MANTICORE??!???!!

"They're not dolls! They're figurines!" Sure, sweetie.

CALLED IT

Bianca is great.

Oh my God, Nico, you beautiful nerd! XD

HUNTING HORN?!!?!!! SILVERY ARROWS?!!?!??? IS IT ARTEMIS?!!!! PLEASE TELL ME ITS ARTEMIS!!!!!

HOLY FUCK, ARTEMIS'S HUNTERS!!!!!!!

Zoë Nightshade is easily the most badass name I've ever heard in my life.

ARTEMIS!!!!!!!

Please tell me Annabeth is okay. I will not be okay until I know that she is

Oh my God, Nico! XD Also, chill, Percy, he's just a baby.

"Besides, I hear they rebuilt the cabins you burned down." Excuse me, what?!

Percy, leave Bianca be! Besides, you don't even know her! She can be a badass warrior hunter lady if she wants. What even are your hang-ups about Artemis's hunters? They saved your life.

Oh, wait, that's right. Camp Half-Blood needs more people to keep it protected. That's right.

Good for you, Bianca, but I can't say that I would ever leave my little brother to become an immortal virgin. No offense to them, but girl, your brother needs you. You may have a new family, but you're all he's got.

Oh, I love Artemis calling Apollo her annoying brother. Do we get to see them interact? I pray that we do.

Grover simping for Artemis is so valid.

Thalia thinking Apollo’s hot is so valid.

Apollo being an obnoxious kind-of hippy going through an anime phase is the greatest idea anyone has ever had. He's so stupid, I love him.

Apollo's comment about pretty girls turning into plants reminded me of the myth about the time where one of his boyfriends turned into a flower after he died. Hyacinthus. Because we cannot forget that Apollo is canonically bisexual. If Rick Riordan doesn't (at some point) acknowledge how gay ancient Greek mythology is, I'm going to riot.

Dating must be really weird at Camp Half-Blood. And between demi-gods in general, right? Because, technically speaking, they're all kind of related to each other. I guess it just works differently since the gods aren't human, so there's not the same case to be made about genetics and the potential for incest. Or maybe that only applies to kids who have the same god parent. Like how Percy sees Tyson as his brother. I’m wondering if the kids from other cabins feel the same way. Like, do kids from different cabins consider themselves siblings? Does Annabeth see the other kids from Athena’s cabin as her siblings? What does the dating scene even look like at Camp Half-Blood? Is it considered scandalous to date other members of your own cabin? Or do some people think it’s taboo or whatever to date other demigods in general? I don’t need sleep, I need answers!

Ohhh. Okay. So apparently Thalia has aged while she was in the tree, just very slowly. So if Percy is 14 and Thalia can pass as an 8th grader like him, and she should be somewhere between 12 and 19, if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say she's about 15 or 16.

Oh, hey, I was right. Thanks, Apollo.

Aww, poor Thalia. Lol. I was the exact same way when I drove for the first time. Literally had a panic attack on the spot, and I wasn't even controlling the Earth's temperature.

Yay, Tyson! I was worried we wouldn’t see him again until, like, the last book or something.

Aww, it’s so sweet that Tyson wants to see Annabeth. And it’s adorable how cool he thinks she is.

Wow, Luke really is an unbelievable bastard. Annabeth is smart, she was smart to question him, but when the rocks started to fall, her instincts drove her to protect Luke, because even though he’s an unbelievable bastard, Annabeth still can’t help but harbor positive feelings for her. For the longest time, he was family to her and she loved him, so of course those feelings are still there, even if she knows it’s illogical.

Wait. Annabeth is holding up the ceiling of a cave, which Percy acknowledges that she shouldn’t be able to do. So… is the cave ceiling actually the sky? Like how, in Greek mythology, the sky is held up by the titan Atlas? In the mythology, Heracles trades places with Atlas holding up the sky while Atlas helps Heracles complete one of his twelve labors, and when Atlas is about to leave, Heracles tricks Atlas into taking back the sky before bolting. Like how Luke tricked Annabeth into holding up the cave ceiling before leaving her alone to hold it by herself.

Okay, Grover, chill out with the stalking, bud.

I guess Grover and Annabeth take turns getting damsel-ed. Last book was Grover’s turn and this book is Annabeth’s turn.

Don’t worry, Percy, I forgot about that scarf too.

Okay, not liking how the Hunters are portrayed. Because when Artemis says to give up love, she only means romantic love, which is clearly not the only kind of love. Greek mythology practically invented the concept of differentiating and identifying different kinds of love. The Hunters should know that, but the way they act towards the other campers is really… I dunno, gross? They act like their way of life is the only way that matters, which is super fucked up coming from the people that follow Artemis.

“I wondered if there was any way I’d looked that ridiculous when I’d first arrived.” Percy, that was literally only two years ago, get off your high fucking horse. XD

Thalia static-shocking people when she’s annoyed is golden and I love her.

Oh, fuck.

OH, FUCK!

Oh, we love the prophecies… Yayyyy.

Okay, guessing time. Artemis is chained to a rock, which immediately made me think of Prometheus, the titan that gifted fire to humanity and was punished by Zeus to be chained to a rock and have an eagle eat his liver every day for eternity. But then the Oracle mentioned that one must withstand “The Titan’s Curse,” which could be another reference to Prometheus, but I don’t think so. Because in the myth, Heracles killed the eagle and freed Prometheus from his punishment, so I’m pretty sure it’s not that, but you never know. Then I remembered Annabeth and my prediction that she’s currently holding up the sky like the titan Atlas, and the Oracle said that “one must withstand.” Admittedly, my knowledge of Atlas and his mythos is shaky at best, and I don't remember him ever having a "curse", but I guess holding up the entire sky is about as "cursed" as it's possible to be. And the Oracle saying that “one must withstand” makes me think that something happened to Atlas, so now someone needs to hold the sky in his place or else the sky will collapse to the earth and the world will end, or something like that. So that’s my prediction, that someone will need to hold up the sky in Atlas’s place for the rest of, well, forever. I don’t have a guess as to who it could be, though.

Also, someone is apparently going to die. And be killed by their god parent. Awesome… Super looking forward to that inevitable heartbreak… I hope it’s not either of the di Angelo kids, but they’re both new characters, and I know Nico becomes more important later (purely by accident and through pop culture osmosis), and since I had no idea that Biance even existed until I started reading this book, I am terrified that that means Bianca is going to die. I pray that I am wrong.

Wow, Thalia is petty and I’m kind of living for it.

I love that the Stoll brothers are basically Greek Fred and George Weasley.

Wow, Zoë’s kind of a bitch. She won’t travel with Percy because he’s a boy, and apparently Grover doesn’t count as a boy because he’s a satyr. Super fucked up.

You know, Artemis did have male Hunters. It didn’t happen often in the mythology, but there was a pretty famous male Hunter of Artemis named Hippolytus. The thing about Artemis’s Hunters isn’t that men weren’t allowed to be Hunters, it’s just that men typically didn’t choose to be Hunters, because one of the reasons why Artemis’s Hunters joined her in the first place is because Artemis protected the women in her care from the sexist constraints placed on them by Greek society at the time. The reason why men didn’t typically become Hunters is because they didn’t need the same kind of protection and escape from Greek society that women did. And Artemis didn’t hate men on principal, she hated the fact that men were the ones who used their positions of power to discriminate against and abuse the women in their society.

Aww. Grover’s such a sweetheart.

I love Sally.

Percy has so many damn Dreams™ and nightmares I have to wonder if this kid ever sleeps.

Apparently Percy knows the names of the pegasi, which is adorable to me. And this one is apparently Blackjack, which is a great name for a horse.

Aww, I want a baby serpent cow.

Aww, Nico. He's precious and I love him. Protect this child at all costs

Oh, I know about Ariadne. Theseus ditched her on an island after she helped him navigate the labyrinth and kill the minotaur. That's how she met Dionysus. I'm pretty sure they got married not too long after.

Aww, Dionysus and Ariadne are still married. That'd be kind of sweet if Dionysus wasn't such an asshole.

Yup, I know about Medea too.

Did they really just give Dionysus the Snape treatment? He hates all heroes on principle because one of them was cruel to his wife? He thinks he’s justified in harassing children because they’re training to be heroes, and he thinks that all heroes suck? Wow, dude. Get a life.

Oh, cool, Bianca’s forgetting things now. Nothing sketchy or sinister about that, I’m sure.

Is the General the titan Atlas? If my earlier theory was right, then he's gotta be.

Excuse me, teeth?! Plant them?!

Oh, wait! I think I know what that’s talking about. In Jason’s myth, he had to yoke a field with the teeth of (if memory serves) fire-breathing oxen. I don’t remember what planting the teeth did, but I’m guessing it wasn’t anything good.

HAH! Saber-toothed tiger kitties popped out

The General talks about mortals the same way I talk about fanfiction and anime

OH FUCK THE NEMEAN LION

“Sometimes mortals can be more horrible than monsters.” Truth.

Wait… what’s going on with Bianca? There’s something fucky going on with her memory.

“‘Bianca,’ Zoë said. ‘How long ago…’ Her voice faltered.” FOR FUCK’S SAKE, RICK!

Ain’t no way this friendly homeless guy isn’t some kind of hell monster.

Oh. I stand corrected. Not a hell monster. Probably a god. The gods love disguising themselves as old people to test mortals

The Mountain of Despair. Sounds fun. I wonder if this is the mountain Prometheus was chained to, since it’s powered by titan magic and all that.

Ladon… I know that name. I recognize that, but I can’t for the life of me remember his myth or anything about him.

*in reference to one of Percy's dreams* Oh, wait. Is this Jason and Medea?

Oh, nope. It was Zoë. I figured she had some kind of bad break with a boyfriend or something, but I dismissed it at first because I figured she was too young. But I guess if she was around during ancient Greek times, that sort of thing doesn’t matter.

Oh, hey! I once visited Cloudcroft, New Mexico! It was a nice little place.

“I was never very comfortable talking one-on-one with girls anyway…” Okay, Percy, you and I both know that is a lie. Annabeth is, like, your best friend.

"'Bianca,' I said. 'That hotel you stayed at. Was it possibly called the Lotus Hotel and Casino?'" Oh no.

Seventy years?!

Oh, fuck.

99% sure Aphrodite is the one in the car.

WAIT, HOLD UP! IF BIANCA AND NICO WERE BORN MORE THAN 70 YEARS AGO, THAT MEANS THEY WERE BORN BEFORE THE BIG 3'S OATH, RIGHT?! SO DOES THAT MEAN MY THEORY ABOUT HADES BEING THEIR GOD PARENT IS RIGHT?!?!??!! OHHHHHHH, SHIIIIIITTTTT

"When she smiled at me, just for a moment she looked a little like Annabeth." AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Aphrodite is the patron goddess of shippers.

What the hell, Aphrodite, chill, lady.

"You act like it was real." Percy, this is Greek mythology. Every single star/constellation was either a person or an animal before this whole mess.

"It... it was for Nico. It was the only statue he didn't have." OH MY GOD!! ToT

"If anything happens, give that to Nico. Tell him... tell him I'm sorry." WHY??!!?!?? LITERALLY DON'T!!!!!

"Here we were in the desert. And Bianca di Angelo was gone." WHAT THE FUCK?!!??!!! WHY DO YOU HATE ME!???!!??

No, but please tell me she's not dead. The prophecy just said "lost", not dead. And there's no body, so she could still be alive. Rick hasn't killed anybody yet, Bianca cannot be the first. I refuse.

The Hesperides! That's why Ladon sounded so familiar! He was the dragon!

"'But--' Gurgle, gurgle, the naiad spoke in my mind." RICK!!!!!! FINISH YOUR GODDAMN SCENES FOR ONCE!!!!! THIS IS THE KIND OF STRESS AND ANTICIPATION THAT MAKES PEOPLE LOSE HAIR!!!!

I like that Grover, Percy and Thalia actually listened to Annabeth ramble about her special interest enough that they can just recall random facts like that. It's an adorable little friendship detail, but also fucking sad. I miss Annabeth.

Hah. "Dam". Let these kids swear. They deserve it.

"'Nah,' I said. 'Not that high.'" Aww, Percy's a good friend.

Hah. Statue fucking.

Oh no! Is Bessie the monster! No! But she's so cute!

PLEASE DON'T KILL THE BABY COW SNAKE

"'This is Atlas's mountain,' Zoë said." LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOO

"'Yes,' Zoë said bleakly. 'Atlas is my father.'" THE GAME JUST FUCKING CHANGED

*after finishing chapter 18* ......... Fuck, man.

Wait, why isn't Hades a part of the Twelve Olympians? And why haven't we heard any mention of Demeter's demigod children? I can't remember the last time the Demeter Cabin was even mentioned, if it ever was.

Well, I guess Thalia joining the Hunters is a pretty roundabout way to have the prophecy be about Percy.

"But I will be watching, Percy Jackson. I do not approve of your friendship with my daughter." Well, then you're gonna hate what happens later.

Aww. Percy and Annabeth have matching battle scars. Sort of. Still sweet.

Oh, no, Nico.... Baby.....

"It was a statue of Hades, Lord of the Dead." OH FUCKING SHIT

"A son of Hades." OH FUCKING SHIT

HOLY SHIT, PAN HAS ENTERED THE CHAT

[rollingsins]

Hi! This is a compact reaction to your 3 drabbles. There's nothing better than reading your writing before going to sleep.

...how the hell will Tara explain the messy living room? Oh my Rage just took over, no biggie. As if

Oh did not. She did NOT threaten R to call her dad. Wow. She really must think that R is dying, otherwise she wouldn't even waste a thought on that man

"Minor crimes" excuse me, Tara, if you consider butchering people to be a minor crime, then what is a big crime in your opinion?? Our Pookie really is so unhinged

Aww, a Sam and R day. We love to see it!

A RACCOON?? THATS YOUR EXCUSE?? WTF MAN. Wow. For a murderous psychopath she really doesn't act well under pressure... a raccoon messed up the living room 🤦🏻‍♀️ And poor Sam believes it.

Ah yes. Who doesn't know the violent, thieving and randomly peeing raccoons.

Lol R saw right through her. She knows her little demon chihuahua so well! Love that.

Onto Vada!

Well... watching a movie without shirts sure is much more interesting. I can't blame Vada for suggesting that. It adds to the experience and further enhances the viewing pleasure

Come on. I think we all are obsessed with boobs, and I am sure that R deep down also likes to see Vadas every chance she gets.

"Those puppies" ong nothing ruins the mood quicker than weird pet names. Vada really is acting like horny boy.

No thoughts head empty applies to Vada, just that her head is filled with Rs boobs. Honestly so relatable though...

Jealous Wednesday let's go!

💀 Wednesday is not a fan of pet names in general but baby? Nah. If it weren't R she would annihilate whoever said that. I love how literal Wednesday is.

Honestly a jealous Wednesday is incredibly hot but her deadpan personality is just so funny

"We are going to copulate" OMFG THAT TOOK ME OUT. How the fuck did Wednesday manage to think of the weirdest and most hilarious synonym for sex and use it in such a serious/what should be sexy situation.

Dominant Wednesday is everything. There's nothing hotter honestly. But I really can't get over copulate. That really made me laugh out loud. Wednesday definitely needs to take a flirting class cause that ain't it.

All 3 drabbles were amazing!! I love the chaotic nature of all 3. I hope you will feel better soon and be less stressed out! Here is a hug for you 🤗 🫂

Ahhh hi babe! Oh, how I adore you and your asks. 🙏🏼

Tara and her raccoon, Wednesday being a hot little mfer with her jealously and Vada being a teenage boy as per usual 😭

Glad you enjoyed!

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

I would like everyone to know there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING charming about small southern towns. It's all Bible-beating prejudiced narrow-minded morons and methheads.

Southern hospitality only applies if your inbred ass family has lived here and gone to the same church for ten generations.

Stepping outside this time of year is like stepping into a sauna. Rain doesn't help, it just skyrockets the humidity.

Crime rates really aren't any lower than cities, the worst violent crime rate in this state is held by a town with a population of ten thousand.

And TIL that one of the five stores in the entire town had to close its public restroom because people were smoking meth in said restroom. They also had to get rid of their one self-checkout register because people were stealing literally every day.

Another store in town closed its restroom a couple months ago because (a) druggies (b) theft and espectially (c) because people were literally shitting on the FLOOR. People. Plural. It happened three times.

I hear people complain about the very nice Indian couple that own said store regularly, the whole "stupid foreigners need to learn to speak English" bullshit, which is hilarious considering their English is honestly far better than ninety percent of the half-illiterate hicks that live in this little slice of hell. This couple grows their own produce so they can sell it for cheaper than the horrendously overpriced Christian-owned grocery store in town because they know times are hard for everyone right now, and people fucking complain about them.

A very large handful of people that were arrested for storming the Capitol building in January 2021 were from this part of this state, which says a lot in itself.

Yes, cost of living is lower. But so is minimum wage and average IQ, so it really doesn't matter.

There are no perks to living in a small southern town unless you're a pasty-white, far-right-wing, holier-than-thou, bigotted redneck with the equivalent IQ of a housefly.

[lamentingocean]

Sword Demon 7/11 Worker X Rich Reader

•---------------------------‐---------------------------------•

Warning: , pet calling, a bit of NSFW (daily dose of that sweetness) a bit of bullying and stupid fucking customers.

~Work made by Ocean~

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

I graduated high school and turned into a billionaire by the time I started my own business. I didn't apply for college at the time since college seems to be a farce to most graduates. most people say that college is hell. but it's an optional school to go to as a young adult. it's a school of hell but also a school of extra learning to survive in life. to most people who don't want to learn to survive life tend to insult school like it's an abusive parent on the internet, while the people who do want to be successful embrace the hardship, and stress that school has. I have nothing against those kinds of people, but I developed a superiority complex to my immense wealth. It really isn't a problem to me since I choose to post as a threat to most rich people around my area.

you know what I hate the most...? The kind of people that have their entire eating cycle around a convenience store as they don't know how to get a pack of Mac and cheese and just make a meal instead. I eat steak while all these other commoners eat canned pasta that is probably processed in a factory, giving you cancer the best that it can. I hate those kind of people.

Eating at fancy restaurants is one thing but seeing homeless people rob a store for a pack of gummies is hilariously pathetic to me as a rich person with a million dollar house, a expensive car, and even butlers to serve under me. so I had a bit of a curiosity attack in my mind.

I wanted to walk into those convenience stores and eat a small meal. to see into the eyes of what these commoners eat to mince their hunger into nothing but bites. Ravioli, chips, 7/11 pizza, and breakfast items. this is so curious to me as a rich person that I might consider living a normal life instead of giving myself a terrible impression around people. To think I'm a "snarky, cocky, money bathed, selfish brat" these commoners probably eat good. or they eat terribly. it's hard to tell what people eat these days to stay alive. nobody wants to die from starvation. so I go to my car. it opened automatically if I pressed a button of its very own app.

and then the doors open by themselves. that's crazy. I need to explore how these commoners live in terms of food. So.. I drive to this nearby 7/11 just for an experiment. I pull up, open the door to automatically get the musky sound of a dirty mop, freezer frost, and cardboard pizza heated up. my nose scrunched in disgust to the smell. I also wasn't used to the expansion of cancer snacks. a monotone sounding voice shook me to the core while I was looking at the drinks. it's a gray haired man with a scar.

sleep-deprived, looks like he hates his job, but also.. really attractive with his small beard right on his chin. but I also see a woman with a boy who looks seven years old. I kinda look ridiculous with all this fancy fit on. I grabbed a small drink with alcohol until a shrill scream shook me. AGAIN.

it's the kid crying to her mom about his obsession with hot wheels and the mom arguing to that attractive looking guy. "I want my money back! how dare you insult my child just because he wanted a free toy from the store..this is discrimination!"

"Lady. your child literally came to me ill-mannered and ORDERED me to give him a free toy. this isn't discrimination. this is bad parenting idiot." her gasp rumbled the entire earth to that blunt response.

acting like her parenting style is made of the stuff of legends.

"I will be suing! He's only a little boy growing up to be a fine young man with proper education. you should treat him with respect!"

"Lady... does it look like I give a damn. get out of the store if you are so angry about your ill-mannered child geez. I have a lot of my mind anyway."

she left with such an aroma of anger. while I snickered in the back after what happened. meanwhile, all I see in the candy aisle is nerds gummy clusters, reeses, m&ms, peach gummies. My eyes start to shine at the vast expansion of the amount of candies that present themselves in front of my very eyes. I slowly grasp my hand to the peach gummies since I can imagine the sweet, sugary powder of this sweet treat. the price is 4 dollars in total. It's like I explored a whole other world while i was stuck being my isolated richness. I guess it isn't that terrible as I make it out to be in my own mind. once I finished reminiscing at all these delicious looking candies. I've come to pay at the cash register to this guy with a dirty work apron on. what a way to greet a new customer. so I need to inflict some revenge onto him just for a dirty apron to my rich fur coat made by the most beautiful animals in the world. I threw my items at his face until it fell right in front of the register, smirking at how his expression didn't change a bit. his emotionless state is like glass art, beautiful but simply hard to shatter. he spoke in words with a small drop of irrationality.

"Will that be all for today, ma'am/ sir..?" my voice spoke in a snotty accent, trying to get him mad a little but also see who you really are just by the physical appearance, I whip out 5 dollars from my pocket, feeling underwhelmed how a mere 5 dollars can be in the hands of a millionaire. I gave it to him with an evil smirk spreading across my face like the smile movie. "Yes, dirt-bag." I scan his movements, watch, and analyze as he checked out the items just for the price to pop up on a small screen right at the top of the register. my eyes rose up to look at his sleep-deprived eyes that can even make an energetic person sleep in a matter of seconds. it riled me up a bit just by glancing at them for seconds and seconds until my voice spoke up again in that same snotty accent.

"Hey...can I get your number...?"

"why."

"Just to see how embarrassing you are to desperately have ME as a friend. It's probably for money. are you really that stupid?"

his eyes rolled in a small growing bit of annoyance in his mood, talking back to me in his normal voice to possibly keep his composure.

"I didn't even do anything."

I can sense he is keeping his composure, I need to strike more personality into him.

"hmph. give me my food shit bucket. you probably have depression do you? acting so emotionless and so dry around people that I can even get a bit tired of talking to you. you probably have a sad life. how unfortunate.."

I threw the 5 dollar bills right in front of his face and then snatched the items back to my hands. snickering at his annoyance since I can sense it from afar. but something he did surprised me to the bitter core. He took out a small piece of old recipient paper from an old restaurant, wrote his number on it, and gave it to me without a single care in the world. I guess my strike didn't work against him. I was reminiscing about it so bad that his next words made me flinch out of that reminiscent space I was trapped in for the last 20 seconds. "Call me if you want something. I don't give a shit if you are a rich person. a friend is a friend. got it..? Good."

That genuinely made me brush a period of blood red, I stared at him for a couple of seconds before he could go to the back to talk to his manager. my eyes kept aiming at his body and his face. his gray eyes with eye bags... his luscious thin body, his scar.. I was having so many dirty thoughts about a person I just met that I started to scream so loud like a idiot. I think he liked me too? does he? or does he not or just did it for trickery? either way.. I want to go home and think about this a little more. Is this love at first sight?

I drive home after a lot while overthinking. to be honest, overthinking isn't a fun thing to have. especially when you think of the worst-case scenario when it comes to certain inconveniences that happened small. I started to believe that having all this power or having all this money is nothing compared to a normal aesthetic life getting crepes to eat on a food market street. using money to boost happiness. people say that money can't buy happiness.

that's a goddamn lie. if you can't buy roses for your girlfriend, then what is she supposed to be happy about when she is met with no gift on a first date with a lover. money does buy happiness. money is control, money is everything to us. dispite money being the dirtiest thing on earth. money is also an evil addictive subtance as well that can destroy multiple people's lives with it. There is no doubt that it can. but all of this money I have isn't worth it.. After exploring a convenience store for the first time in my life. I actually had a different feel of life. I know it isn't that serious, but it is. I actually want to experience the life that you can have a gaming pc and a small kitchen, but you can enjoy that type of lifestyle.

my overthinking is getting worse. I arrive home to automatically grab my phone and type in that man's number. Once I got done. I texted him immediately.

Me: Yo. are you here dirt bag or are you wallowing in depression?

maybe I shouldn't be too harsh, but it's so fun to bully a commoner a little bit. I waited for 3 and a half minutes just to send a dry text back like I'm his buddy.

Sword demon: No, Im not. what do you mean, bruh?

Me: Why did you give me your number in the first place, pukey pig?

I was honestly really curious to see what he's going to say. God, why am I so invested in only a convenience store worker? it's like putting a sex drug onto someone's drink and then they want the fuck any man they see in their vision.

Sword demon: I was simply invested in you, too. You are too predictable. I can literally sense that you were trying to get me mad idiot.

Me: Who are you calling a idiot?! Packaged Ramen eating emo.

my blush couldn't leave my face. my hands were trembling like a vibrator to his "investment into me." I was heated but also melted into the ground to that words.

Sword demon: Do you want me to come over or something? send me your address, yk rich people aren't that hard to find around these parts.

Me: why?"

Sword demon: I can bring roses if you want..

Me: pfh as if you have the money to buy roses for me you lousy pet-

Sword demon: im being serious.

my blush grew more red, red, and red, reading his messages 5 times in a row.. but eventually, I gave in and typed in my address.

Sword demon: I can even bring chocolates.

Me: Are you trying to flirt with me? It isn't for money... right?

Sword demon: no. I wouldn't do that. I'm not money hungry. I just need it to survive.

Me: Fine. just...bring some chocolates.

I was opening up to him a little since I kept being mean to him for no reason. for some reason. I can't bring myself to hate a commoner like him, but I'm pretty sure love can't always be based around a person's life. He suddenly got offline just to come to me. but if that's the case. I started to be a blushing mess to his approach.

it took many minutes to waste precious time overthinking about one man, so I decided to shower for it. my mind is so scrambled for a guy I just met. a rich person doesn't waste their time upon people, so why am I so vulnerable? just an employee in a small food store, so it's annoying to think about. my body is being cloaked with soap due to my mind being drizzled by the hot water. my mind is bubbling due to the amount of thoughts I had in one day. my naked body started to have an entire sex thought rampage over this man. I stared at it even more, having hallucinations of having his body against mine in the shower as we make out, fucking, and just sucking him off.

I fell on the floor, having soap get in my eyes just enough to snap me out of my overthinking sexual mindset. it's so weird. but eventually, I stood up to apply my perfume on my skin and put on my fancy clothes just to look good. I always look good for people. maybe im just a people-pleaser. I went down to my kitchen to grab a cake to eat in my free time, I hear the doorbell ring and my face sparked in happiness to see this man bringing me chocolates for just killing off my loneliness.

I ran to open the door and there he was. a box of chocolates on his right hand, a fresh set of roses on his left hand, and that same dim emotionless expression in his face. but for some reason. I didn't even try to bark at him with my attitude as my spit. trying to take note of a feral dog. it didn't piss me for some reason. I was actually happy about his appearance right in front of me. It's not because he's attractive, but his calm, cold aura is starting to comfort me a little.

"I was trying to decide if you do want the roses. it's probably too blunt or rude of me. But I also couldn't decide what kind of chocolates you like so I just got the expensive kind. for your taste.."

he had the heart-shaped box full of little small chocolate bites. I could see the price tag on there having an estimated cost of 300 dollars. and the roses weren't fake either. they weren't roses fished out of a grocery store. they were real because of the thorns and the lingering scent seducing my nose to smell them even more. and that completely broke my avoidance for him.

I suddenly hugged him right in the chest, with the way he was looking when I slowly squeezed his body. He was surprised, and that broke his emotionless state to other people. A small, genuine smile started to grow on his face as he hectic towards laying his hands on my body. He slowly put the stuff down and wrapped his arms to my waist. His touch is soft but a bit hard at the same time. his scent is kinda like a mix between lilac and soft vanilla with a hint of slight cologne. and his arms were strong but tender. my head slowly grasped to look up at him, sliding my face across his chest to look at him. his smile made my heart get crushed by the God cupid himself.

his breath is so warm, and our eyes directed at each other in such a close range. even I saw a little blush stare to form on his face when my own face moved closer to his. I kept losing it to him for the entire day, and now I'm completely losing my own attitude directly in front of him. it's like revealing an intimate side to myself that didn't even know existed. but also soon as I flipped back to reality again.

I pushed him off and grabbed the gifts a stupidly rude way. "You are now my pet. you must do what I say, or you won't be coming back here ever again."

"I don't know. It seems like you were into me for a second...are you? I won't mind if you are attracted to me. for real..I really wouldn't mind."

"No! No. I was just...directing my attention to you from a TV show."

"Sureeee..."

my face turned a bubblegum red again to my next words, and my own mind betrayed me into saying this.

"Do you...want to watch a movie and share chocolates together..?"

"Sure. Why not?"

(Sweetest x reader I wrote in a while, that's for sure)

[blankticket]

7, 17, 19

7) If you could “borrow” one aspect of Vash and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

plant powers tbh. wrt the lifespan thing, for the record im pretty staunchly anti-immortality anti-singularity etc. bc as i've made vash say as much, none of us will need forever. plus any sorta tech like that if it's ever possible is going to prioritize, if not exclusively save, those who can afford such a thing. but anyway the idea that i would get to live for as long as i want is appealing.

i'm not thinking of a longer lifespan as a safety net for failures, cause i think i'd appreciate being imperfect with a longer lifespan, but rather thinking of it in terms of how i could then guarantee there's more good that i'll be putting out into the world. i'd probably have to take a page out of vash's book and travel around a lot so that people don't realize the same 20-something's been around for centuries but eh. idk maybe my feelings would change 300 years in, who knows

17) Why do you think you connect to Vash?

made a face like i licked a lemon reading this question bro i wont lie. the same reasons i connect to vash are the same reasons i avoided trigun for many many years. i was afraid (trigun maximum) vash's character would hit too close to home. particularly the twin stuff, even before knowing that vash would lose his own brother, too—being a lifelong lone twin myself. in comparison to maximum, stampede emphasizes much more on the twins, and even besides that, a lot of vash's deal in stampede feels uncannily similar to my own experiences. um you ever bump into a fictional character you feel completely #read by and just want to fucking run and leave and forget for as long as you can. well. yeah it was like that except now i'm much more able to handle this shit so i'm here now

sharing the same personality as him (in vash so far i definitely see a lot of who i used to be as well, when i was so much more of a self-deprecating people-pleaser bc i believed so much in my own worthlessness), the twin bereavement thing, wearing glasses (myopic deadeye), preferring revolvers (when he spun the cylinder while loading bullets in i was like omgg hes just like me fr), thinking nicholas d wolfwood is hot, all these connections definitely inform my interpretation and portrayal of vash. and i kin the guy but that's obvious enough

19) If you had to judge Vash and sentence him to a “fair” fate, what would your judgment be? Would you punish him? Reward him? How?

ok in my opinion. and also this is going to sound hilariously ridiculous without the context of trigun maximum but whatever. it looks like orange is ultimately going to turn vash into a giant apple tree or otherwise use the last of his lifespan to save his brother. i'm not completely set on how i feel about that, given that not even a little teaser for the final phase season is out yet! but for how i feel right now at least, i think that fate is pretty fitting. can't say whether that's exactly either a reward or punishment though

spirale-wise it's so much harder to say lol, i'm not writing vash keeping an ultimate endpoint in mind or ever considered one for him…

hm. well, if i come up with something, it'll be a hypergiant challenge deal. i have considered doing something like that for him 2 years after last year's giant challenge, to mirror how in-canon the timeskip is 2 years post-julai. but idek if i'll still be writing him by then. stay tuned?

[davekat-sucks]

Same JohnDave anon. In fact I feel like I’ll sign my asks with 🌸.

Anyway, it’s funny to me that despite the pairing being so popular when Homestuck was ongoing (yes, I’m that old), it had a falling out of popularity so drastic it’s considered a rare pair now. I don’t know if you remember the fact that Johnkat was the first slash ship to be popular, to a point that it was the collective fandom’s slash OTP before JD took over and then somehow DK with the whole meteor thing. It came out of left field, considering the fandom dwindled over the gigapause. Why is that that people ignore John so harshly? Shipping wise or not, he’s the protagonist and yet Dave and virtually everyone from the beta kids get more attention. Was it because of the yellow ship shenanigans and the fact that there were only three people there? His retcon powers? Projection from fans towards uwu dave cool guy (which is hilarious, they’re all nerds and to me Dave is arguably just behind John on dweebiness)?

Dave and Karkat being the fandom’s sweethearts is a poison IMO. Curious to hear your thoughts as to why John, despite being the protagonist, gets swept under the rock so badly, ignoring the fiasco from the epilogues and HS2 because there is no way in hell I am touching that. You’re a great blog and I enjoy reading your ‘spicy’ takes.

-🌸

P.S: Fuck the nu-fandom.

If you don't count the bullshit from Epilogues and Homestuck^2, nu-fandom will claim that John is the most "boring" protag, even if he was the first guy we were introduced to the whole series. Some may think of him as a sort of blank slate for the audience. Which makes me think of years back, the old fandom (fangirls especially) had thought of themselves to be like Jade or Nepeta to be with Dave or Karkat. But now, it's bad to fans to say those girls would represent them and they are better off self inserting as KARKAT. Some think of his moments in Act 6 make him an asshole, in contrast to how kind and goofy he was in the early acts. Not taking to account the whole being separated from his friends still and growing up like any other. They applied the same with Jade too, calling her a bitch right after her knowledge from Prospit was separated. Nu-fandom also dislikes John for being "straight". They will never live it down on John saying "i am not a homosexual". Modern fanbase take it too seriously that they can't ship him with Karkat, Dave, or any guys anymore. Despite how much fanon they are still able to apply with other characters.

[revvethasmythh]

Tary and/or Scanlan for the ask meme. To cover all our bases with Sam PCs, haha

I was wondering if I was going to be able to cover all of Sam's PCs with this lmao! Seeing as I do have a reputation to uphold re: sam's PCs, I will do them both

Tary:

First impression

Baby. Beloved. Pompous jackass whomst I love the most. True love at first sight and I am not kidding

Impression now

Baby. beloved. Pathetic pompous jackass I adore (I never stopped loving him, I have only grown to love him more)

Favorite moment

It is hard to choose between ALL of his bits in Jugs and Rods or the Grog and Tary shopping adventure in Vasselheim. Critical Role has TONS of funny moments and there is stuff in every campaign that has really gotten to me--but nothing like this. My abs ached the next day, I was fully weeping real fucking tears over this. I am laughing just thinking about it as I am typing. Fucking iconic.

Idea for a story

I have never considered a story with Tary specifically, but you know I'd love a story that explored Tary getting back together with Lawrence and how that aspect of their love story played out! I feel like that could be a very fun romance piece.

Unpopular opinion

Genuinely an incredible character, not as a joke, not for the bit. I mean, Tary is hilarious, yes. But I don't think Sam gets enough credit for how GOOD Tary was beyond the bit. He's a top tier character and deserves more credit from the fandom for it.

Favorite relationship

I'll split this one with Percy and Vex. Tary ends up being such good friends with both of them and his friendship with Vex is something I find particularly endearing (another Sam + Laura dynamic coming through golden) and then you add the layer of Tary's close friendship and unrequited pining for Percy into the mix....that whole dynamic of the three of them is great.

Favorite headcanon

I should really just delete this question because I never have headcanons to add. Idk. I don't really do head canons.

Scanlan:

First impression

Thought he was kind of gross and too sexually forward, ngl

Impression now

Probably my favorite of Vox Machina, not counting Tary. I don't know, he really grew on me. I think Scanlan circles around similar themes that all of Sam's PCs do, which is why I tend to gravitate toward them, you know? The eternal struggle of wanting to appear okay for your friends because you can't or won't invite the vulnerability of being honest about how you're struggling, only to hit a breaking point and lose it because no one has noticed your pain (because you have hidden it)? All the inherent complications and contradictions of that sort of thinking? Feels very realistic and relatable, for me, at least.

Favorite moment

It's so easy to choose The Bard's Lament for this. WHAT an incredible dramatic character move. Unparalleled, dramatic, complex, and it added so much to Scanlan's character and the dynamic with the group, forcing VM to sit with some things (and to get angry at him! Because he was unfair too!). I loved that shit, I ate it up.

But also, Scanlan's return to VM and trying to Modify Memory on Vex only to whiff it and her just hugging him. I fucking love that, too.

Idea for a story

You know, the thing is, this question is tickling some kind of memory of mine that I had actually planned to write something about Scanlan/Pikelan and I just cannot remember what on earth it was going to be. I can't even think of anything else, I'm just annoyed I can't remember what I was going to do, now

Unpopular opinion

I don't think Scanlan blowing up at VM and saying unfair things to them makes him a bad person or selfish or [insert whatever other thing here]. I think he was unwell, and had some valid reasons to be upset, and spoke in anger in a very human moment wherein neither party was entirely wrong or right. People apply judgement to that scene a lot, I think because it's very emotionally jarring, it's aggressive and unexpected and it prompts strong feeling because of that, but I don't think there's any judgment to be applied. VM was wrong about some things, Scanlan was wrong about some things. A big bundle of tragically human conflict, honestly, which is why it's fantastic.

Favorite relationship

Probably Grog. I love that whole corner of VM (Grog and his gnomes) and all their dynamics, but you can really feel such a camaraderie and care between these two that I love. Also Vex (that Sam + Laura dynamic always hits, I suppose)

[vespertin-y]

liveblog time - here’s the first part of the third trial! OH BOY

-monokuma spends a long time insisting that he does NOT lie about motives and that the dead can be revived, but *only in the ultimate academy*. this...still doesn’t tell us how exactly they’re being revived (character backstory put into a new body VS the og person being put back into the simulation), but it’s at least interesting!

-”i dunno about tenko, but i’m pretty fuckin’ sure kiyo murdered angie!” miu calling the murderer themselves but then proceeding to be completely wrong about *how* the murder happened happens in nearly every trial and it’s always hilarious. love u queen.

-”you mean one of those *two* people! cuz a robot ain’t people, jack!” MIU! after all that maintenence together!?

-again with the ‘no-one could have opened that door but kokichi’! i get why it was written like this, but it’s still such a stupid assumption for the characters to make. they don’t even ASK if the others can lockpick, let alone consider that’s something easily lied about.

-”yeah, i did it. i killed angie.” [...hm.] HPDSHDDGHSGD SHUICHI YOU COULD AT LEAST *PRETEND* TO CONSIDER IT YOU’RE GONNA HURT HIS FEELINGS!! he even pulls out his blank, serious face for this one!!

-can irouma be normal. for FIVE MINUTES-

-”silence, outsider! only the Suspect Rangers are allowed to speak!” HPRGGDGDGDGFHFH. go go suspect rangers cartoon when...

-”it’s not meaningless!” [himiko?] “tenko’s death was meaningless? how dare you! poor tenko...how could you do this to her!?” “h-himiko...” “himiko, stop it with your crappy lies.” “lies...?” “everything you said is total bs. you didn’t give two shits about tenko when she was alive...but now you’re like, “oh no! poor tenko!” after she’s dead. c’mon, really?” “kokichi! enough!” ok first of all the voice acting here is so fucking good. himiko’s first shout before she dissolves into tears made me flinch in my seat, and kokichi is so low and cold and vicious. it’s also personally satisfying to me that’s it’s *gonta* who tells kokichi to stfu here, and that kokichi *listens* - he won’t bring this up again until after the trial, when he’s significantly gentler about it.

-”alright! i’ll put a silencing curse on whoever calls tenko’s death meaningless! the name of the curse is...Death Curse!” “i, um...suppose being dead would silence someone pretty good.” himiko and tsumugi r such a funny duo, they should’ve been besties

-”no, even if it was a different culprit, we need to know how tenko died. if we don’t find out who killed her, we won’t be able to work together. not now, not ever.” kaito is correct here however pls consider: me and tsumugi would really enjoy the paranoia and angst of knowing one of the group is a blackened!!

-”finally, you noticed! geez, you’re so slow...” “huh? did kokichi want us to notice-” FUCK now i really wish i transcribed it, but there was a bit early on in the trial where shuichi proves miu wrong and she claims she was just doing a bit to lead them to the right answer, and gonta says that’s really smart of her - he’s clearly applying the same concept here, and it makes me wonder how often he does so. tracking the thought processes of v3 characters is always so fascinating...

-”let us talk about tenko’s case, then. perhaps that will provide us a clue.” “y-yeah, maybe...” [i don’t mind going over tenko’s case, but...that was an abrupt change of topic. was that...intentional...?] HOLY SHIT WE ARE HALF AN HOUR INTO A FOUR HOUR TRIAL AND SHUICHI’S ALREADY CAUGHT ON. the serial killer backstory is definitely bullshit, kiyo literally cannot hide a murder to save his life.

-”well, that’s probably just a coinky-dink. the most suspicious out of us four is really...kiyo!” i’m starting to feel bad for the guy this is so embarrassing 😭

-”kehehe...it’s appearing before me...ooooh! i can see it clearly! the true identity of tenko’s killer!” bro you are laying it on WAY TOO THICK

-”maybe the floor and the hole have nothing to do with this case.” ”then why was floorboard under tenko lined up funny? gonta think that was so culprit could stab tenko from under floor...” “ooohh! nice observation, gonta! are you finally getting used to the class trials?” “uh-huh. thank you.” no offense but v3′s resident clown act obliterated me and then had a picnic on my grave i would simply quit murder.

-the entire rebuttal showdown is just miu correctly singling out kiyo - again - but being completely wrong about the method, so you have to disprove her. i’m in TEARS.

[agumonger]

tangent! "being a man".

tangent! how i overthink things

tangent! how i finally figured it out and realized i am, indeed, just a cis dude

it really helped me to realize that while i don't want to be an andrew tate alphahead fast cars football materialism hiding your emotions type man, and i don't want to be a femboy either, i do want to be the kind of man that irradiates a wholesome energy, maybe a bit wacky, but not without a certain kind of wisdom, nerdy but not the petty incel entitled um akshually type, i want to have healer animal talker character type energy, i want to have gentle giant energy, bob ross energy, posy energy, i want to be fascinated by life and by humanity and make people feel like the time they spend with me is time that counts, i want to make them feel safe, loved, supported. i want to create beautiful things, i want to make people go through emotions with what i make, perhaps even discover something about themselves. i want to be warm and approachable and strange and unpredictable and hilarious and idealistic. i want to believe in things like love, honesty and kindness

that's the kind of man i want to be

the detachment that i always felt from traditional masculinity was never truly about aesthetic, or about gender identity, it was always about the toxicity. it's not about dysphoria - i've actually learned to like my body, too. i'm not a demiboy or agender or nb or anything of the sort, i just. don't like the extremely narrow definition of what masculinity is supposed to be, but i don't feel attracted towards the other side either, which is why i always hesitated to speak up about my issues, like "can i really say i'm Not Attached to my Own Gender(TM) if the idea of wearing makeup or a pearl necklace or a skirt clearly makes me glitch out?" was always the question that made me stay silent. "you're overthinking", i told myself, "you're not inventing Masculinity 2 you're just Some Guy. don't be so full of yourself"

and like, actually, yeah of course! of course i'm just some guy! i kept looking at the issue backwards. i kept asking myself "am i really a man?" when the question was "is the stupid ass alpha male method the only valid way to be a cis man, without being labeled as queer?" which, yeah, i am queer (bi) but still!! of course not! of course that's not the only valid way. it's just the most common one that dudes follow, but it doesn't have to be like that

i'm not *not* a man, i'm just not macho and that's different. and yes, 90% of people would consider my outward appearance to still be milquetoast and basic and normal as fuck and that's okay as well. i'm not the type that obsessively hates everything related to the alpha/chad aesthetic thing either

and yeah you might be like "but jojo, you had a gender questioning phase? but you seem as regular vanilla as dudes go! look at you talking about videogames in a hoodie and jeans and a buzzcut" and you would be absolutely right. i just think Too Much About Things

bonus points for reading this: how many male fictional characters with a similar vibe do you know. because i'll probably love them. i love every character that has been written with the understanding that men can be sensitive and sincere with their emotions and vulnerable AND that difference doesn't have to imply any orientation or specific special label of gender identity AND that sensitivity is to be understood and respected and not laughed at

fun fact this is why i love himbos so fucking much. because they got the traditionally masculine aesthetic that i'm hopelessly attracted to (though i wouldn't apply it to myself) but also the potential for genuine sensitivity and kindness and gentleness. emotional intelligence

i think this phase of self-discovery and overthinking that started around lockdown is probably over.

extra bonus points for reading: whatever rappers had goin on aesthetically in the mid 2000s. that. bring it back idc

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

hihi slug!! what are your thoughts on the shuffle drama track now that its out? i had a lot of fun listening to it and liked most of the dynamics a lot ^^

I haven't listened to it yet, but I have some free time tonight, so I guess it's time for a Live Slug Reaction. (Under a cut for length)

You can follow along with a detailed summary here. I'll put time stamps to show where I'm at too.

(1:03) Wait, so - this is considered canon, right? And it's taking place after the second DRB? I'm guessing Freestyle Gladiator is some sort of promotional program Chuuouku is at least partially involved with, and that's all fine and dandy, but has the rest of the plot just stood still while this has happened? Like... is Ramuda not still deathly ill? Is Jakurai still supposed to be working for Chuuouku even though Honobono reneged on Jakurai's terms? Are the Buster Bros still at odds with Rei? What's going on with the whole Juuto's job thing? I guess this is probably supposed to be a funny bit so the plot doesn't apply, but I have a few questions about the logistics of it.

(1:07) I already laughed about this when the preview came out, but it's STILL hilarious to me that the first thing Ramuda ever says to Sasara that's not related to the brainwashing is, "lol your jokes suck ass"

(2:07) Here come the baddies of the day. I can feel it.

(2:24) Wait, is this Juushi? Huh, I don't think I've heard his speaking voice much before. I almost didn't recognize him except for his speech style.

(2:27) Me: Is this Juushi? Ichirou literally a second later: Quit crying, Aimono

(2:33) LMAO Juushi says Ichirou sounds like Kuukou... that's cute.

(2:38) Ichirou's laugh is making me having affectionate feelings. Disgusting. At any rate, it's good to hear him sound happy about Kuukou and not just sad anymore! Hell yeah! I missed the IchiKuu interactions in a major way. Hope we get more of them in present day canon.

(2:52) In my predictions for this track, I said something to the effect of this being the good boy team who go around doing community service. Well, apparently they're helping Ichirou work a takoyaki stand. So there's a bit more capitalism than I expected, but yeah, this is really a good boy team thing to do.

(3:22) I love how Juushi's voice actor makes those very emotional wails. He's really talented. Also, what a working in retail/restaurant/customer service mood.

(3:59) Juushi's VA going OFF (also another customer service mood)

(4:14) lol did Roshou just... burn the takoyaki because he likes it better that way? Okay, I do have to say, maybe this is what Ichirou gets for assuming Roshou knew how to cook takoyaki just because he's Osakan. Regional profiling much, Ichirou?

(4:40) I feel like I'm listening to a Dice mukbang. I wonder how these kinds of scenes are recorded. Do the voice actors really just go "HAMP OMP HARF SHLARF" into the mic and call it a day?

(5:03) Juushi: Black takoyaki? I bet we can make a cooler name for it somehow. .... Okay, but the conventional definition of cooler or Juushi's definition of cooler?

(5:08) Yup. Definitely Juushi's definition of cooler.

(5:11) Roshou: Bla- infe- wha- huh? Me too, Roshou.

(5:22) Thank you, Kimusuba, for your enunciation, because I had no clue what Juushi said until you repeated it. Roshou is probably thanking you too.

(6:01) It's hella cute to me that Roshou makes an effort to play along with Juushi, even though he clearly thinks this is some BS. He probably does the same for his students.

(6:18) Oh are you fucking kidding me - Doppo got mugged AGAIN? This poor man. Why do these things keep happening to him?

(6:23) Rei: Well... I mean, he just looks like a sucker. LMFAO

(6:44) Took me a minute to understand what Samatoki's saying. I don't think his voice agrees with me all that well. I do have to say, this is very funny (re: "You're a part of my crew now, and anyone who fucks w/ you fucks w/ me") not in the sense of Samatoki's protective streak - love that - but in the sense of Samatoki being so willing to throw hands. Can we set him on Doppo's employers while we're at it?

(6:50) Come to think of it, I think Doppo is genuinely the only person who ever calls Samatoki "Aohitsugi-san" despite all of Samatoki's demands for respect.

(7:19) Rei sending Doppo out to buy him a tea is such a dad thing. This feels like an episode of Old Enough, the show about sending toddlers to run their first errand.

(7:55) AGAIN?

(8:19) The way Rei goes, "I'm just an ordinary, sake-loving middle-aged man" is so fucking funny. He's not even trying to sound believable.

(9:01) Fuck 'im up, Doppo! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

(9:53) The way Samatoki offers to pay for everything is heart-warming. The older brother instinct. The issue is that certain people (Sasara and later Ramuda) have been known to take advantage of this, and judging by how excited Rei sounds, Rei's about to join them on the list.

(10:05) Oh fuck me, I wasn't ready for Riou's voice to come immediately after Ramuda's high-pitched humming. I also momentarily parsed his line of "A flea market..." as "The free market..." and was instantaneously transported into a world where Riou is an off-the-grid, libertarian crypto bro.

(10:15) RIOU-CCHI

(10:19) Oh, he's the grandma who goes with the grandkids to the flea market to sell her homemade wares... Here's a 1000 yen bill, Ramuda-kun and Hifumi-kun, now go buy yourselves candy and be good boys while Riou-baachan sells his home cooking. Has anyone ever given Riou knitting needles before? I think Riou would love knitting needles. This man is one rocking chair away from being 85 years old, and I love him for it.

(10:38) Horribly, horribly pleased that Ramuda and Hifumi are impressed and interested as opposed to my worst fears of "Eww, you're a gross, sweaty dude who lives in the woods!" My crops are watered. My will to live is restored.

(11:16) He just has a bag of perfectly-sized clothes with him (??)

(11:24) A suit made of manga panels................ okay, but is it good manga? Or did Ramuda give him the """""classy""""" version of an ahegao sweater? Hey, would it be fucked up or what if it was the Hypmic manga on the suit? Hifumi comes back to Matenrou being like, "Damn, Jakurai! What'd you keep making that face at Ramuda for?" and Jakurai goes ???

(11:28) PINK CAMO

(11:30) Ramuda: That's what fashion's all about! IS IT?!!! Man, I don't know SHIT about fashion.

(11:41) Riou ended up saying the same thing I just did (albeit more politely) so this is a sign that I, too, could be tricked into wearing something garish if Ramuda presented it to me. Also, what was that changing sound? Did they just have a magical girl transformation? Sailor Riou! In the name of survival, I'll punish you!

(12:00) I love that Riou doesn't like it (well, he's complaining about it, rather), but he still wears it anyway. He's known Ramuda for two minutes and is already like, "I must treat him with ultimate respect and care." This is why Riou is the best. Perfect. Everything I could have ever wanted is in this drama track.

(12:39) Riou.................................................... (That sales pitch would work on me, tbh.)

(13:52) Riou.................................... It's no surprise that Ramuda dislikes this, come to think of it, given that he hates smelly nattou. (I call this good taste. I detest nattou haha.)

(13:58) Hifumi sounds like a chain smoker here. His voice actor is killing it.

(14:25) Hitoya "I detest bullying" Amaguni bullying a middle schooler. Classic. I also enjoy Saburou being like, "Well, if SOME people here would actually TALK to one another, we wouldn't have to do this!" Welcome to Saburou Yamada's relationship counseling, where the 14-year-old is more emotionally mature than the 35-year-olds. Maybe he inherited this skill from Rei.

(15:01) LMFAO SABUROU STRAIGHT SAVAGE "You seem pretty stuffy, so I bet you never had any friends in middle school."

(15:18) It's a bit past when he said it, but I'm still thinking about Jakurai going "I had many friends." Considering how differently he viewed his relationship with Hitoya as compared to how Hitoya viewed it, I wonder if those other people he's talking about likewise saw him as a friend... Jakurai... :(

(15:56) Saburou: Aren't you an adult?! (implying that he should act like one) Good for this kid, he is DRAGGING them. I knew he'd somehow be the winner of this unlikely match-up.

(16:22) LMAOO. Okay, this is funny as hell, but theory time. Hitoya's older brother (Sora)'s name means "heaven", as does the Amaguni last name. Hitoya's name, meanwhile, means "prison" on its own but is also used in the word "hell" so much that for me, at least, the first thought upon seeing it is hell. I've always wondered if he might have resented that naming scheme, and I wonder if choosing the name Heaven here is intentional. Perhaps he's copying Sora? Or perhaps he's naming himself Heaven Heaven, the Hypmic version of Moon Moon.

(16:43) LMAO of course Saburou likes it. Know your audience, Hitoya.

(17:13) The way Saburou swears is so funny to me. He sounds like he's trying to act more adult than he is around these older guys he's probably trying to impress, at least a little.

(17:44) Yup, he's definitely trying to impress them. What do adults like? Alcohol! Whisky bonbons it is! Actually, out of curiosity - is bonbon a false cognate? I have a feeling it might be... Yeah, it looks like the Japanese definition might be a bit broader than the English definition. (I may also not know exactly what a bon bon might be. That's one of the things about translation - you realize how ignorant you actually are constantly when you figure out you can't precisely define or explain certain everyday objects maybe out of your sphere of expertise.)

(17:50) Too late, Hitoya.

(18:11) LMAO the way it cut out so quickly

(18:28) Sasara: And today's interesting guest - Yeah, Gentarou's interesting all right.

(18:41) This Jirou impression is really good. I didn't realize it was Gentarou's VA for a moment.

(19:02) Wait, it just hit me - so does Gentarou dead-ass act like this in public? Like when he goes to talk about his books to the press, is he his usual unhinged self, or does he at least pretend to have a sense of decorum? His editors must be scared to let him go anywhere. Working as his PR agent could earn you millions.

(19:54) I just realized what Sasara reminds me of. A Youtuber. He acts like a Youtuber. He's literally trying to film a reaction video. Teens (and Best-Selling Authors) React to Croquette Sandwiches!

(20:04) While the boys continue their "HAMP AMP MURMP" fest, I'll take the time to mention something I forgot earlier. I wish we'd gotten Guy Fieri to eat Roshou's takoyaki. "But Guy Fieri isn't in Hypmic" Well, not with that kind of attitude.

(21:02) Oh, he's his own PR agent. Everything makes sense now. He probably runs his Twitter like Kojima (ft. Dice as Mads Mikkelsen).

(21:18) Rip Sasara's Yotube vid

(22:19) Juuto: Is this ramen? It's pure black. Wait, did Roshou make it?

(22:24) hey does anyone here know Japanese. because I guess you could say now Kuukou's a 食うkou. *booed offstage*

(22:28) The way Dice eats is............. effervescent.............

(23:02) Dice sounds so offended. "You don't mess with food, man!"

(23:44) It's a good thing Juuto's a competitive bitch, or else this would never have happened.

(23:49) YES, SHAKKU IS HERE!! Ft. 5 second long "KUUUKOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

(24:07) KUUKOU LOCKED HIM IN THE SHED??!!

(24:18) God, I aspire to be like Kuukou. If only we could all do this to our parents.

(24:37) Somehow, I don't think telling Dice and Juuto that Shakku is more of a fierce beast than a human being is going to help convince them to go toe-to-toe with him.

(24:48) Honestly, I understand how Kuukou turned out this way when considering Shakku.

(25:09) I have to say, I'm not super fond of the Kuukou/Dice/Juuto line-up if only because Kuukou's kind of overpowering the other two. It's not that I think Kuukou should be less extra. I love every part of the Kuukouness here. It's more that I wish we'd gotten more of Dice and Juuto's particular nonsenses as opposed to having them be the sensible-seeming tsukkomis. FP is def. a lot more balanced, because one character is always playing straight man to the other two bozos, but who the bozos are is constantly rotating. Likewise, MTC is more balanced because every single one of them is, at all times, thinking, "Let me, the mature and reasonable adult, humor these children I'm with." But here there's not enough trade-off. I guess BAT works well because Juushi and Hitoya are so bombastic on their own that they basically shove Kuukou out of the way for screen-time, but here he's kind of hogging it. And that's a bit of a shame.

(25:40) Love how excited Juushi is for taking a selfie.

(25:52) LMAO I wonder what social media Juushi has. He seems like a Pinterest mood boards kind of dude. I bet the word aesthetic is a part of his voca- well, I guess it is now, because I distinctly remember writing him with that word, for whatever that's worth.

(26:12) Ichirou: Are you ready to fight your own teammates? Roshou, remembering the time Sasara ate his pudding: Of COURSE.

(26:36) For a very weird moment, I thought Doppo was the one smoking (I think it's Samatoki and Rei) and so I thought the other two had indoctrinated him. Doppo comes back to Matenrou reeking of nicotine, and Hifumi won't let him into the house. Jakurai immediately tries to force him to join a quitting smoking program at his clinic.

(27:15) I love how Rei and Samatoki say p. much the same thing as Jakurai does before every battle, but their deliveries could not be more different.

(27:17) Doppo: I'll despair with CONFIDENCE. <- felt that

(27:36) *whacking Ramuda with a rolled up newspaper* No talking with your mouth full.

(28:12) I appreciate how seriously Riou takes this. That's one of the biggest things I like about Riou. For all of his pride in being a soldier, he understands the weight of conflict and doesn't seek it out lightly.

(28:42) *head in hands* RiOUUUUUUU IS THE BEST. He never once belittles anyone for their interests and always, always, ALWAYS considers things with weight if anyone else cares about them. He’s! Such! A! Good! Person! FUCK!

(29:00) LMAO Saburou sounds so young...

(29:37) There goes straight savage Saburou again. God bless this kid.

(30:09) This is Hitoya speak for, “God, I’d love to have an excuse to kick Kuukou’s ass.”

(30:37) The way his suit keeps flapping around him as he exercises is really something else.

(30:52) I wonder if Sasara used to do this back when he worked with Roshou too. Group exercises, maybe? Except Roshou was kind of jacked back then (or he looked like it, at any rate), so maybe the exercises were simply Roshou benchpressing Sasara.

(31:00) Gentarou must be bored. He’s finding a way to entertain himself.

(31:23) I think Gentarou’s spent so long around Fling Posse that he’s forgotten how to behave in polite society, or rather that most people won’t humor him by falling for his tricks. (Do I think Dice truly believes Gentarou most of the time? Not really. Does it amuse Gentarou? Yeah, so that’s why Dice does it. He does the same thing for Ramuda, and Ramuda likewise plays up falling for Gentarou’s tricks, so I think it’s safe to assume that Dice isn’t as much of a dweeb around Gen as he pretends to be.) Dice and Ramuda aren’t noticing this as much on their end because Dice isn’t really in a good environment for letting out some of his particular goofiness, and Ramuda accidentally ended up with another two enablers. Hahaha. Gentarou might be homesick for them.

(31:40) Ah.... only Dice could eat with such.... passion.......

(31:45) I have to say, it’s a lot easier to understand Dice with food in his mouth than Ramuda. Kudos to Nozuyama. (?)

I’m actually going to stop here (at the part where the alarm goes off) because I’ve been doing this for several hours, and I want to sleep, but I hope that this has been entertaining for anyone brave enough to read the whole thing. 

Final takeaway: Hell yeah, Riou time.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

So much from the Nish Kumar show last night. It was amazing. I didn’t write about it right after (aside from this post that I made before getting in the car because holy fucking hell) as it was a bit more than a two-hour drive home. I got home at 3 AM, passed out, woke up this morning and now I still feel so overwhelmed by how cool it was. Here’s the best I can do with writing about it.

There were about ten weeks between when I first saw this show, in New York City, and when I saw it last night in Montreal. I’d expected the main difference to be that he’d have to rewrite the Boris-based parts of the show he did in New York, since, you know, that situation has changed in the last ten weeks. But he actually cut that bit entirely, barely mentioned Boris or UK politics at all. I can understand why. I saw him do a livestreamed thing a couple of weeks ago, and that showed me the jokes he’s written to reflect the current mess of a political climate. They involved saying he hates Rishi Sunak for being the highly successful Asian man that his own parents wanted him to be, and saying we can’t let Rishi Sunak be prime minister because he killed everyone’s grandma via mismanagement of the pandemic. My guess is that while he expected the North Americans at his New York show to know who Boris Johnson was, he was less sure that North Americans would know about Rishi Sunak, so decided to just skip all that rather taking his “Rishi Sunak killed everyone’s grandma” material to people who might have no idea what the hell he’s talking about.

So the specific political material got cut, as did a few other things; I think he was more pressed for time at the Montreal show. There were enough jokes that were in the New York show and not in the Montreal show for me to now be sure it was worth going to New York for it, even though I could see him much closer to home ten weeks later. That 17-hour round trip to a city that I did not like was worth it just for the few jokes he put in the New York show and cut from Montreal.

He also added some stuff in Montreal that wasn’t there in New York. There were some Canada-specific jokes. Said Boris Johnson was on the verge of joining our trucker protest, which got a cheer because fuck those people. Asked how the hell that trucker thing happened and if Canada “caught” stupidity from America, which… yes. I mean that was funny but it also barely worked as a joke because it’s pretty much a literal description of what happened. Yes, Nish, we had a lot of people who were influenced by American media and specific American figures who targeted them with an onslaught of messaging and American money that funded their efforts, and that is how this happened. I could draw you a diagram if you like. People who got arrested at the trucker protests were shouting about Miranda rights and the first amendment. They think everything American applies to us. This is why it’s important to properly fund and support Canadian media like the CBC to educate Canadians on our culture instead of having everything washed away in a sea of Americanism. But I digress.

Another bit that was not in the New York show was a few minutes spent talking shit about Ed Gamble and James Acaster, which was hilarious. Earlier in the day, those two had recorded a live episode of Off Menu at that same festival (I did consider getting tickets to that, but they were quite expensive and I’ve only ever heard about three episodes of Off Menu so I figured it wouldn’t be worth it). Nish correctly surmised (I say it was correct, based on the strong audience reaction to him bringing it up) that most people in his audience had been to see the Off Menu recording earlier in the day. He complained that as a brown guy he’s out here telling us how he got PTSD from racist death threats, while his very white friends were discussing what food they like. Called them “a couple of crackers talking about crackers”, which was quite funny. Informed us that they pronounce “papadum” wrong; he was it was supposed to sound more like this, and I guess James does something of a white bastardization of it. Then he added that if anyone chooses bread over papadums they’re racist.

Now, I hope this will go without saying, but because someone reading this post doesn’t see or hear the tone that was present in the room, I’d like to clarify that it was very obvious all along that he was 100% joking. At no point did anyone think he really does resent them for that; sometimes James talks about mental breakdowns and sometimes Nish talks about watching sex scenes in movies with his dad, so just because right now James is talking about food and Nish is talking about racism doesn’t mean that defines their whole lives. The difference in levels of heaviness of their material at that specific comedy festival was just a funny juxtaposition to point out at that moment. I mean, James and Ed probably do say “papadum” wrong. But I’m sure Nish forgives them.

In case anyone in the audience did not fully understand this, Nish ended this by saying, “Of course, those two are my friends, I don’t mean it, I love those guys. I did mean the stuff about Ricky Gervais and Jimmy Carr, though.” And that brings me to a particularly interesting thing that was in this show but not the New York one. To explain, I’m going to quote something I wrote about nine weeks ago, talking about the show I saw Nish do in New York. The initial post was about the bit in Nish Kumar’s 2019 show, when he did a whole rant about how Ricky Gervais is an asshole for doing transphobia and calling it comedy. Here is something I added on to that post after seeing Nish in New York this year:

“I just saw him do his newest live show last week, and he again dedicated a couple of minutes to complaining about comedians who run out of new funny things to say so they just go on Netflix to talk shit about minorities instead. Those minutes ended with the words “Fuck you Dave Chappelle, fuck you Ricky Gervais!” (For a split second I thought Jimmy Carr’s name was going to come out of his mouth next, it’s probably for the best that it didn’t.)”

That’s what I said nine weeks ago, and that’s how I felt at the time. I sat in that theatre in New York, heard Nish say he does comedy way better than those “edgy” people who think shitting on minorities counts as comedy, saw him get really riled up and on a roll and flow right into angrily shouting, “Fuck you Dave Chapelle, fuck you Ricky Gervais!” and for a moment my brain was sure he was going to add “fuck you Jimmy Carr”. This was a little while ago, closer to when Jimmy Carr’s joke about Romani Holocaust victims was in the media (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can Google it, or better yet, don’t – if you’ve ever seen the whole “asshole makes a racist joke, tabloids make clickbait articles about it, asshole complains about cancel culture” storm play out, then it’s exactly what you’re picturing), so his name came into my mind when Nish described that type of comedian. I thought he might say it, but he didn’t, and on reflection, I did think “for the best” was a good way to describe the omission. No need to feed the media storm further with “Nish Kumar VISCIOUSLY SLAMS Jimmy Carr in Latest Special” tabloid headlines or whatever.

I don’t know what changed in those ten weeks. Jimmy Carr has not said any new and notably offensive stuff since then. But at some point in ten weeks, Nish Kumar decided to amend that joke. Last night, his bit about how he hates “edgy” comedians who shit on minorities on stage ended with “Fuck you Dave Chapelle, fuck you Ricky Gervais, fuck you Jimmy Carr!” He then said something about Gervis and Carr specifically, since they’re both British. He called them something like “a giggling ghost and his ventriloquist dummy friend” who are making British comedians look bad by doing this kind of shit. And he brought it up again later in the show, saying he was just kidding about his friends James and Ed, but he did mean the shit he said about Ricky Gervais and Jimmy Carr.

I would say that’s kind of a big deal. I’ve given Nish Kumar credit before for going after Ricky Gervais, since that 2019 show also has an explanation of how much he loved The Office, how he had all the episodes basically memorized, how he looked up to its creator. It’s a rule for life generally that it’s easy to call out people from the “other side”, people you didn’t like anyway, but it’s much harder to call out people who are in some way on “your side”. So I think it’s a sign of good character when someone can recognize bad things in a person they liked, and are willing to say so instead of defending or excusing it.

Jimmy Carr is another level of that. I mean, Nish Kumar was a fan of The Office, and Ricky Gervais is a fellow British comedian, but I’m pretty sure Gervais has been in America for as long as Nish has had a showbusiness career. So on a practical level, Gervais may as well be an American comedian just like Chappelle; they’re not exactly in Nish Kumar’s orbit.

Nish Kumar is much more likely to cross paths, professionally and personally, with Jimmy Carr than with Dave Chapelle or Ricky Gervais. They’re both on the British stand-up (not at comedy clubs or whatever, but they both tour the UK with stand-up shows) circuit and the British panel show circuit. Nish has done 8 Out of 10 Cats and Catsdown. Nish was hanging out with Jimmy in Katherine Ryan’s living room as of whenever they filmed the end of that Backstage show, which was not that long ago. Jimmy Carr was at this same festival in Montreal, performing his own show. That’s definitely a new level of calling out one of his own.

Obviously, the caveat I add every time I give someone credit for something like this is that there are a lot of harder jobs in the world than being a comedian, and there are a lot of braver things to do than talk shit about someone you know on stage. I’m also not pretending it helps anything on a practical level; I’m quite sure Nish Kumar would acknowledge that him saying “Fuck you Jimmy Carr” on stage does not make life better for Romani people that have their genocide trivialized. But still, it took guts to say that. I bet a bunch of people felt that way, but didn’t say so publicly because Jimmy Carr is all over the Britcom world and they didn’t want to cause problems. I’m thinking of that Last Leg episode when Hannah Gadsby was a guest and said Jimmy Carr is terrible to minorities, and Adam Hills and Alex Brooker and Josh Widdicombe all looked very uncomfortable and like they desperately wanted her to stop talking even though I’m sure they knew she was right. It’s fucking awkward to call someone an asshole if you know you work and socialize in the same area. So honestly, credit to Nish Kumar here. That took some guts to say.

Okay, bullet points for some other, quicker, fun observations about the show:

- For anyone who doesn’t know, the main show is about the time that someone threw a bread roll at him because they were mad that he was making jokes about Brexit and colonialism. Then he learned that this incident had somehow made the news, then it really blew up from there, racist death threats occurred, PTSD due to those death threats occurred, stigma about mental health issues stopped him from getting help, but then he finally sought therapy and is now doing better and wrote a show about it. It is a genuinely insightful and hard-hitting show in addition to being amazingly funny and bright and honest, and it’s one of the best pieces of comedy I’ve ever seen.

- I’d remembered the story of how after the show, his friends who were there with him, including Tim Key and Miles Jupp, took him to the pub and they got drunk. I’d forgotten how he said Tim Key made the hilarious joke of apologizing for having thrown the bread roll, pretending the whole incident was a result of Tim Key thinking it would be funny to mess with him by throwing bread. That is such an on-brand joke for Tim Key to make and was a very funny line.

- Nish Kumar telling us his job is 1) to make jokes about the news, and 2) to be a spare in case anyone loses Jason Mantzoukas – also very funny.

- In New York, he said he knows his audience consists of people who read The Guardian and people who’ve recently canceled their subscription to The Guardian because it’s insufficiently left wing. In Montreal, he did the same joke but with The New York Times instead. I can’t tell if he thinks Canadians are less likely than Americans to know about The Guardian (which doesn’t seem likely, as Americans are more stereotyped than we are as being unaware of the outside world), if he thought the joke didn’t go well enough in America and it would be better if he started changing it when he went overseas (also seems a bit weird since the joke got a big laugh when I heard it in New York). It’s okay, Nish, you can talk about The Guardian in North America. We know about The Guardian. It’s a very famous media outlet.

- I have to give Nish credit again for how passionate he was about this, how high his energy was the entire time, how much he clearly cared about the words he wrote and wanted to share them with us. A few days ago, I saw James Acaster force himself to get through a show, then look at his watch and clearly be relieved to realize he’d already done an hour and that meant he was allowed to leave the stage. He left immediately, the crowd pretty much forced him to come back for an encore, he was not happy about it and did a few more minutes before leaving.

Last night, Nish Kumar shouted at us with vigour for an hour and twenty minutes before looking at the clock, and saying oh shit, this was not supposed to go for this long. Then he continued talking for another ten minutes or so, talking faster and faster like he was worried about not having enough time to say everything he wanted to say. For the entire time he was up there, he spoke at a million words a minute, barely took a breath. You could see how much he cared about this, how much he loved what he’d written and the opportunity to say it. He was exactly the same way in New York. I loved that, it made the show so enjoyable.

I don’t mean to denigrate James Acaster there – I made that comparison to show a contrast and make the point that not every show is like Nish Kumar’s. Obviously, the contrast I’ve just described does not automatically make Nish’s show objectively better than James’. A longer show is definitely not always a better show; in fact there’s a lot to be said for tightly written efficient material (“tightly written efficient material” doesn’t really describe the shows that James Acaster or Nish Kumar brought to this festival, but the principle is still true). But in this case, the length of the show reflected Nish’s passion for the material, the way he was so dedicated to it that he didn’t want to stop talking, and that energy really enhanced the experience.

- Okay, here’s the story of what I wrote last night. I dragged my best friend to Montreal for this show. My friend is not generally into comedy, and he specifically describes himself as not liking British comedy, even though that opinion is pretty much based on how he thought Monty Python’s Holy Grail was silly and has not seen other Britcom besides a few things I’ve made him sit through at times. I convinced him to go with me, for the road trip and the day in Montreal. He did end up enjoying the Nish Kumar… mostly. I think.

Anyway, as I said, the venue was amazingly small and we were sitting in the front row. At one point, Nish talked about how everyone in the public eye gets hate, but they’ll get more if they’re more degrees away from the “default”. He then defined the “default” as white, straight, cisgender, heterosexual, able-bodied men. He said something like “And if any of those are here tonight…” Without thinking, I tapped my best friend’s shoulder, because I had in fact brought a white, straight, cisgender, heterosexual, able-bodied man to a Nish Kumar show. To be honest, he was out of place. He was a jock among nerds. As a nerd at heart who spends most of my life among jocks (due to the sports team that this friend and I have been coaching together for many years, where he is a lovely person who cares deeply for our athletes and his friends, but if you see him on the street he does look a lot like a jock), I figured he could live with that for a night.

Nish saw me tap my friend’s shoulder, and he stopped talking. He lowered his hand that had the microphone, put his other hand on his forehead and laughed. And good people of www.tumblr.com, I do not know enough words to describe what it is like to make Nish Kumar laugh. It’s like making an angel fly. That excitable laugh that comes out generously and too loudly on panel shows and podcasts when anyone on stage says something that gets to him – that got direct at me, and if I die tomorrow I want that on my tombstone. If I die in 100 years I want that on my tombstone. I’m like 30% joking.

Nish asked me if I knew the guy next to me, and I said yes. Nish said oh good, he was worried I might have just tapped a random guy next to me who appeared to fit the description of straight white cisgender able-bodied man. Eye contact occurred. Actually, eye contact occurred a bunch of times throughout the show, sometimes to an extent that was quite awkward, because like I said the venue was really weirdly small.

And at first, I did not want that to happen! At one point he asked the crowd if we knew what that 1965 audience called Bob Dylan when he plugged in his guitar, and I was sitting there thinking “Judas!” Of course I know they called him Judas, that is a famous moment in the history of the intersection of folk and rock music, a famous moment that gets pointed to when fans of folk and to a lesser extent country music argue about what’s a reasonable level of saying “this is a terrible populist bastardization of the genre” versus what is being too gatekeep-y like the 1965 people who got mad at Bob Dylan, and arguments like that are where I live. But I didn’t yell it out, because I could not bring myself to yell out words that would be heard by Nish Kumar. I did not want Nish Kumar’s attention drawn to my existence, even for a moment. But later in the show, when I tapped my friend’s shoulder without thinking and drew his attention anyway, I realized how foolish I had been to resist the opportunity. It was the coolest fucking thing. Holy hell.

Nish Kumar definitely knows I exist. Crops watered skin clear ailments cured angels in flight.

[bookishofalder]

Rainy Days

Spencer x Reader

Request: @starwithoutdarkness - Hey! I heard you were looking for requests! Maybe Spencer Reid x reader fake dating fluff? Combined with Request: @paulaern  - Hello!  What about Spencer Reid x reader when they realizes they love each other? Like reader makes something for Spencer and he thinks like "I can't deny anymore, I'm completely and hopeless in love with her" or something like that  (G!neutral if you want)

A/N: Thank you so much for sending in requests! Hope this makes you smile!

Warnings: Swearing, moderate BAU violence, creepy men, fluffiest fluff, intense headache description. Set randomly post prison Reid but Hotch is still there because he should have been! WC-2,488

Spencer was staring at the geo-profile he had been working on all day, very glad to be inside. The weather in Seattle had stayed consistently rainy for the two days the BAU team had been in town assisting in catching a killer, who had been committing serial robberies/murders with no apparent rhyme or reason. And while Spencer didn’t mind the rain, he did mind loud, busy cities. Combined, they usually led to a headache that would take a day or two to recover.

The door to the conference room he was working alone in burst open and slammed shut so suddenly he nearly jumped out of his skin, turning to see-

You.

Spencer hated it when you appeared without warning, catching him entirely off guard and presenting the risk that you would notice the visible effort it took for him to compose himself around you.

While he’d noticed how beautiful and hilarious and empathetic you were the moment you joined the team, he’d fallen in love with you when you had your first case with them. Spencer had begun to ramble about the specifics of casinos, and how ‘beating the house’ was nearly impossible, when the rest of the team had tuned out. A temporary member, Agent Seaver, had sneered ‘I’m sorry I asked.” Effectively shutting him up. But then you had turned in your seat next to him and, after shooting Seaver a look had asked him to continue. And though he didn’t have that much more to say, and it wasn’t all that interesting, you listened to every single word and thanked him.

It had been years since that had happened, your friendship had blossomed into best friends, something Spencer cherished immensely. This was partly why he shoved his feelings down. The relationship did not need to change for Spencer to remain happy; as long as he got to spend time with you at work, or watch movies and make tent forts in his living room. And visit his mom (who adored you and always gave you book recommendations that you would be sure to read the moment you could), or go to comic conventions and museums...yes, as long as he could always do those things with you, he was happy.

No need to risk changing a perfect thing.

Now though, you were shutting the door and giving him your most panicked look, wide-eyed, with your hair damp from the rain you no doubt had run through to get inside, accounting for your breathlessness. If it weren’t for the worry that had sprung up inside of him upon seeing your expression, he would have fixated on how beautiful you looked at that moment.

“Spencer, you’re my boyfriend.” You whisper yelled at him, quickly stepping closer and setting your bag down on the conference table.

“Wha-“ He began, but you cut him off frantically.

“I’ll explain-just, oh fuck-“

Spencer stood frozen to the spot as the door reopened and one of the senior detectives sauntered in, a friendly smile somewhat overshadowed by the almost predatorial glint in his eyes. You awkwardly stepped closer to Spencer, raising a hand in hello.

“Agent (Y/L/N), great to see you’re back, I was hoping to catch you before the end of the day!” He said merrily, placing two hands on the back of the nearest chair. Something about the way his hands gripped the chair made Spencer feel...on edge.

You gave the fakest little giggle Spencer had ever heard from you, “Oh, nice to see you too Detective! Just had to catch up with Agent Reid here...”

When his eyes moved from you to assess Spencer briefly, he felt a protective force rear up, instincts entirely at alert. Without hesitating, he casually draped an arm over your shoulder, brushing some hair back as he did, and replied, “And you promised we could get some coffee from the Starbucks down the road, hon.”

He enjoyed the way your cheeks flushed and noticed the pulse in your neck pick up. You glanced up at him, trying to look coy but he knew you too well and could see you were partly surprised, and also trying not to laugh.

“Um, of course, I nearly forgot, babe, let’s go in about 5-unless, did you need something specific, Detective?” She broke off to glance back at the now scowling man, who gave an annoyed jerk of his head before stomping back out of the room.

Once the door banged closed behind him, you let out the biggest sigh of relief, raising a hand to your face in dismay.

Spencer hadn’t removed his arm yet, “I’m assuming I just helped you avoid being asked out, but why-?”

“Uhg, Spencer, I’ve already turned him down TWICE since we’ve arrived! He’s literally the kind of dude who doesn’t take no for an answer unless another man has some fucking misogynistic claim over the woman!” You exclaimed, before moving to stand right in front of Spencer and lean just your head to his chest, staring down at the floor, “I hate everything.”

Spencer laughed, patting your back softly, but internally making note that he wouldn’t be letting you go anywhere alone for the rest of this case-that detective gave him the creeps. And while you were beyond capable of protecting yourself, he just knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything if he thought you could be hurt.

“Well, just so we’re clear I would never want to be called ‘babe’ in a relationship.” He joked and the desired effect was his immediate reward when you lifted your head and giggled-your genuine, beautiful little giggle-and then grinned.

“Spencer, you called me ‘hon’ like we were 70.”

Spencer considered a moment, “We could be, you’ll be Gladys and I’ll be-“

“Winston!” You supplied eagerly, and he frowned at you, trying not to laugh.

“Winston?”

“It’s really very dignified, the kind of name where people call you ‘sir’.” You replied cheekily, and while Spencer grinned, a part of him felt a swoop of pleasure when your lips formed the word ‘sir’.

He decided very quickly that he liked the idea of you calling him that. And then, just as swiftly dismissed that train of thought and chastised himself.

As you both stood together and laughed, the door swung open and Hotch and the team followed him in, all in various stages of the results of exposure to the rain, looking equally grim. Spencer and you abruptly stopped when you saw their expressions and launched back into work mode seamlessly.

———

Two days later, the team was closing in on the unsub and everyone was on high alert. Taking the profile and applying it to the geo-profile he had been working on, Spencer had narrowed down this grubby old apartment that sat above a nightclub as the most likely spot the unsub was staying at. Of course, they were arriving at night which meant the club was busy and loud, people lined up out the doors waiting for their chance to enter, pay too much for a drink and grind their bodies against strangers.

Spencer’s headache from the unforgiving rain was thrumming now with the music that seemed entirely unencumbered by the walls of the stairwell, the team slowly climbing. It was bad enough that his eyes narrowed somewhat, but he didn’t lose focus.

You were behind him, watching his six as Hotch and Morgan approached the door ahead and prepared to breach. Spencer slipped a hand behind his back and, on cue, you’re pinky wrapped with his. A brief promise to each other, ‘I’ve got you.’.

They had anticipated violence and heavy arms, so when their announcement was met with silence and the door was kicked open, the tactical response was to secure positions and carefully proceed. Agents and SWAT members lined the building and were, at that moment, securing the club below to ensure the unsub couldn’t flee into a room full of potential hostages.

Spencer and you were the third pair to enter, quickly moving ahead of the others to secure more rooms, eyes peeled for movement. The floor was covered in litter and random spots of dirt and dried substances. It smelled like body odour and axe body spray-which immediately went to Spencer’s headache and caused it to throb in protest.

“Freeze!”

You had shouted right as Spencer noticed the movement from a back room down the hall, as the unsub leaned out and, not abiding by the command, opened fire. Spencer grabbed you and swung you both behind the wall of the kitchen, out of the line of fire while he shouted the unsubs location.

You recovered quickly, dropping to the ground and leaning out to return fire as Hotch and Morgan ran across to the living room to join the battle. It only took a few moments after that before Morgan managed to get a shot to the suspect's shoulder and he fell with a cry of anguish.

You popped up from the ground, watching as Prentiss and Rossi moved forward to secure the man, and barked into your radio for medics to come in.

Spencer, meanwhile, was reeling. When the shots in the room had all joined together in a cacophony, sound and noise piercing his skull, it had converted to pain and panic in his skull, overwhelming him. He had used his own body to shield yours when he pulled you with him into the wall, and the caution he took with you meant he hadn’t caught himself carefully enough, his head bouncing lightly off of the stone wall.

Which, on a normal day would have simply been annoying. But today, with a headache so severe he was beginning to get spots in his vision, it was detrimental. The scene was secure, so he allowed his eyes to shut, a meagre reprieve but at least it was something, at least he didn’t have to see the beams from the flashlights or the pulsing of the neon signs outside of the windows...

“Winston, take my hand.” Your voice was so, so soft. Spencer let his mouth open slightly, a small rush of air all he managed, trying to say ‘I can’t-it hurts, make it stop’ but you grasped his hand tightly and pulled and he followed, his other hand reaching and grabbing that back of your vest, he let you lead him.

He knew from the reduced foot traffic of agents and crime scene workers that you were taking the rear exit, a stairwell that was narrower than the main. He peeked through his lashes to take the stairs, and then suddenly, the cool night air hit him and the door was closing behind you both.

You kept walking with purpose, leading Spencer further away from the loud building. The rain spattered his face but with each step the noise reduced and after a short walk it became relatively quiet.

“Sit.” You murmured, halting. Spencer opened his eyes and saw that you had led him to the farthest spot in the parking lot from the building, where trees lined the lot along a community park that was probably utilized by vagrants and drug dealers more than families. But there was a bench, and you were waiting for him to take a seat. You had pulled out a compact, expandable emergency rain shield from one of the pockets on your FBI utility belt and tossed it on the bench, protecting you both from soaking your underwear.

Spencer sat, setting his elbows on his legs and leaning forward with his hands pressed to his face. He took deep, steadying breaths as you joined him, your hand on the back of his neck. At first, he thought you were just resting it there because his FBI vest would have prevented him from feeling your hand on his back, however, a moment later it was joined by your other hand and a very cold object.

Resisting the urge to pull away, he gasped at the contact, “What-?”

“On-the-go cold compress, Doctor.” You explained, leaving it in place and then rummaging again. Spencer wanted to look but the compress, combined with the quiet, was already doing wonders. He continued to take deep breaths.

“When you’re ready, try this.” You said softly, pressing something to his hand. Opening his eyes, he saw a mini flask that had his name written on the side.

He turned his head slowly so as not to move the compress and met your eyes, which were assessing him with concern. “(Y/N), when did we start drinking on the job?”

You giggled quietly, “It’s just water mixed with this like, vitamin powder that’s supposed to be good for rehydrating you quickly. I did some research on how to help headaches like yours on the go, just in case, and I made this ‘Spencer’ care bag.” You rambled a little when he didn’t reply.

Spencer looked back at the flask and opened it, quickly downing the contents. It tasted pretty fruity and he realized he was thirsty, this taking the edge off.

“Is it okay?” You asked. Spencer raised his head and met your eyes, searching them.

He was overwhelmed, the headache already fading, in its place an intensely warm feeling building inside of him as he considered the time and effort you had taken to care for him. He hadn’t asked you, or hinted, you had just taken it on to find a way to help him and you were right there when he needed you the most.

You had always been there when he needed you. When he had been shot protecting Blake, when he struggled to care for his mother, when he had gone to prison, when he was freed, you were there.

The words tumbled out, unable to be contained a second longer.

“I am hopelessly in love with you.”

Your mouth opened and closed in surprise, taken entirely off guard. Though he worried what you would say, he couldn’t deny the relief he felt having finally said it out loud. He watched patiently as your mind processed his confession, holding his breath.

“I-Spencer,” And then suddenly your lips were pressing into his and the pain from his headache ceased entirely. Spencer was consumed by the feel of you against him, of your hands holding his face and the hum of content you gave when he returned your passion, dropping his flask and sliding his hands up your neck, gripping tenderly.

After what could have been hours, weeks, or years, you both broke apart, pulling back just enough to make eye contact without your eyes crossing. Neither of you let go, your breath puffing out in wisps in the cold night air.

“I love you too,” You breathed, “I could grow old with you, Winston.”

Spencer laughed, relief and happiness swooping through him at your words, “Gladys, I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.”

Did you enjoy this story? Please consider reblogging or commenting to ease my inner turmoil as a writer. Likes are basically just a bookmark!

You grinned back at Spencer, and then he kissed you again.