#but also like not tryna be full of myself but i hope i can inspire anyone whos like still living n abusive situations

[httpisaoki]

urs ft. kim minjeong

sypnosis: minjeong was your best friend. she was always the one who supported you in every way possible, even if that meant hurting her in the process.

warnings: crying, angst, slight argument w ning, forbidden love? joke it's unrequited love, minjeong loving silently hshsh, it's giving backburner by niki tbh, one-sided love

-> part three of the chrome hearts series. inspired by urs by niki. same universe as juliet's tears.

tryna find where your head is but I'm losing myself in the process you're bad for my health all the good nights are they hidden goodbyes in disguise I never know you come see me only when I ask first

kim minjeong was the most introverted person you've ever met. ever since you were children, playing in the park, doodling on your workbooks, laughing at each other's stupidity, you've grown closer than ever. you met her in the park, meeting her quiet cries when she scraped her knee, so you decided to help her. and since that day, 12 years ago, you were best friends.

it was another Friday, and minjeong had to stop by to see you in the library after her classes. she finds you in your usual spot, peacefully writing something in your notebook. but before she can walk over to your cubicle, the sight of a certain person stops her. it was ningning-- your roommate who is also one of your exes, and one of the reasons why she gave her shoulder for you to cry on. she heard you sigh, your eyes meeting ning's.

it broke her heart whenever she saw you in pain, but she had to do something. she couldn't bare seeing you heartbroken. ning speaks up, "please. yn-- just let me prove myself with dinner, yeah?" minjeong's facial expression was filled with disgust. ningning didn't have the right to even speak with you-- not after what she did. annoyed, minjeong walks over to your side, blocking ning's view of you. "yah, yizhou, leave her alone." her voice filled with coldness. 

ningning scoffed, "what's it to you? mind your own damn business, kim." her voice full of rage.

her words caused minjeong's eyes to narrow. they were standing inches apart, breathing heavily. her voice was filled with anger, "i think it's very much my business, yizhou. just leave, okay?"

ningning smirked, raising her hands in the air in a form of surrender, sarcastically, she says, "alright. fine. but I'm always going back for her." the chinese girl softly glances to you, before finally looking at minjeong, "I'll do anything for her to be back in my arms."

her words made you furious. the audacity of this woman to even speak like this to you-- when she hasn't even apologized yet for all the pain she put you through. ning kept looking at you, as if waiting for your response, but you decided not to give her one.

minjeong glares at ning with all her might. "you're pathetic. i hope you stay away from her, you horrible person."

out of the cold facade minjeong built up, her heart sank. ningning knew how much she still loved you. she sighed, her fists clenched. ning spoke again, "i'm going to treat her better this time. i'll fix myself. but you wouldn't want to hear that, would you?" the girl spoke with a slight smirk.

minjeong scoffed quietly, not letting ning see her anger. "i don't care what you'll do to fix yourself, whether you'll actually treat her good this time. i just want you to stay away from her." her voice was filled with anger, but she hid it, instead choosing to hide the fact that she was about to scream. she was shaking, tears burning her eyes.

the feel of your hand rubbing hers makes minjeong glance up at you, you give her a light smile, causing all the tension in her body to relax. you were always the one who knew how to calm her down, you were always why she calmed down. your gaze shifts to yizhou, with a sigh, "just leave, yizhou. don't bother us anymore." 

ningning gave up trying to make minjeong change her mind. she muttered "fine" in chinese before finally walking away. minjeong sighs in relief, her hands shaking. "she's finally gone." she looks up at you, and her eyes widen. she was trying to hide her tears. she quickly wiped her tears away with her arm, hoping you wouldn't notice her crying.

you noticed her small sniffles, your eyes filled with worry, "yah, why are you crying?" with a soft smile.

her face flushed red, her cheeks still burning. she tried to keep her tears back as she gave you a half smile, "it's nothing." she was embarrassed to admit that she was still shaken by ning's presence. a wave of relief overcame her, her eyes finally releasing all the tears she was holding back.

you quickly pull her closer to you, engulfing her in a comforting hug. "shhh," you softly say, wiping off her tears for her. 

minjeong's face rested against your chest, her breaths shaking. she was still trying to fight her tears, but the overwhelming comfort you gave her made her give up. the only sound that could be heard was her muffled cries on your chest.

she hesitated before speaking up. "i..." she looked away from you, as if she couldn't look you in the eyes if she spoke the truth. tears filled her eyes once more, and she finally took in a breath before speaking.

"i just didn't want her to hurt you again. the way she was talking just now? i don't know... it just felt like she wanted to hurt you." she continued wiping away her tears. "i don't know what she's planning. but it feels like she knows how much she hurt you."

her words caused minjeong's heart to tear in half. she was still shaking from anger, but after her words, her anger faded away, revealing the sadness beneath it. minjoong buried her face in your chest, your comforting embrace comforting her. "what if she's telling the truth?" the mere possibility that ning was going to change was already putting her off. she still had a lingering sense of anger towards your ex.

you shake your head, "I'm sure even if she tried again and again," you give her a soft smile, "I wouldn't go back to her." 

minjeong smiled at your words, knowing how much of a lie that was but she chose to ignore it. she’d always choose to ignore the fact that you were willing to go back to yizhou even if it meant killing you. 

she’d choose to stay by your side, supporting you, and hiding what she felt until you finally notice the way she stares at you, the constant pining, and how much she'd willingly stay with you. She’ll stay as long as it takes, she’d be willing to wait until you were ready. 

even if you saw her as a friend, it’s sad to say, but she was already yours.

the best at being the worst but fuck sake I'm already yours, sad to say I'm already yours

masterlist.

[razzleberryjam]

This is basically an anecdotal commentary on those posts that are like "you're life isn't over after 21, like the concept of youth is a myth"

Because its so true for people who don't get to be the ages they actually are while growing up. I never got to do things that a lot of 13, 14, 15 year olds were doing during their formative years. I never got to "go to a concert for a band I like that I've been listening to on cds" as an adult I got invited to venues where local bands play as you get drunk, but like it never had that all consuming exhilaration that comes from "going to the xband/Yband z opening act concert that you're so excited for an can scream all the lyrics with ur friend(s)" and like I was raising children, working jobs, trying to survive at that age, even in my late teens and early twenties, I was working over 40 hours a week nonstop trying to live on my own, I finally moved into my own place without roomates at 21 and it's like you feel upset about not getting to have those "cutesy college romance/friendship experience" or whatever you know, but its like actually we never lose those child years, we just were using our adult years before we were adults because we needed them to survive

And its like now that we're stable, and secure - like you don't have to be a teenager to have that teenage giggly fun. Like those aren't gone, they're just waiting for you to be in a safe place so you can enjoy them

Like im a grown adult dating another grown adult, they have a child, a serious job, an ex partner, I have raised a child that is currently with my estranged mother, I am finally working a job that I intend to be at for a long time, living on my own in stability and security, we very much have serious priorities and do professional adult things like budgeting and grocery shopping and meal prep.

But like we have silly dates where we watch YouTube and giggle and awkwardly hold hands and ask if we can kiss each other like WERE GOING TO A FREAKING CONCERT I'm so excited, like we're fucking adults who have long since graduated from high school, BUT WERE GONNA GO TO SEE 3 BANDS PLAYING AND THEYRE LIKE MY FAVORITE BANDS LIKE

LIKE dudes, I had a yellow CD player and among my cd collection were 2 cds from these bands, and a cd I burned w songs from all 3 on it and a few others like im literally exploding with joy. I'm GOING TO A CONCERT like this literally feels like the most exciting date ever like I literally feel like a 16 year old singing first date by blink 182 getting ready for prom. Youth as age is a myth, it's a state of the mind. You can be young at mind and heart no matter how old you are, it's just about pure joy and exhilaration for life. Like when u see those tiktoks of old people that are amazing it's because they are young at mind. They have the youth of joy, rather than the myth that joy is of the youth. So yeah if you're like struggling, especially if ur young. Like this is coming from someone who just I mean damn. I almost killed myself so many times, not just through suicidal attempts, but self destructive or neglectful behavior. I mean I've almost just starved to death from laying in bed for months, that's how little life I had left in me to keep going, but like I'm literally so glad I'm alive rn. Like I am so happy that I haven't killed myself. And even though I'm having a really hard time even now, because with stability comes the work - your brain, all that stuff it bottled up to let you keep going, it's like "hey I've been holding all these heavy bottles of trauma and shit and ur like doing pretty good right. So can u open a couple of these, drink em work through that ?" And it sucks, it hurts and it brings back all that struggle, but you just breathe cause it's going to be okay, you couldn't work through the trauma then but you're an amazing creature who's brain was able to hold onto that and push it down to keep you up, and going, and surviving. Your brain had to choose between reconciling with the trauma or helping you survive cause it just didn't have the resources to do both, but when you keep going and you survive, and you make it to a foothold to stop and rest, drink that bad drink, it hurts and it makes you feel like you're going to fall back down but you just have to hold on to the stability, the safety, the good things you've created and remind yourself that those past wounds hurt, and you never had the chance to heal them then because of how hard and scary everything was, but when you're safe, you are safe, and you are so strong, you can peel those crusty bandaids off, it hurts when it pulls the skin and hair but you are strong and you are safe now, you have built the knowledge to work through and treat those festering infected wounds that you just had to slap a bandaid on to keep from bleeding out. You can clean them out and rebandage them in a way to let them heal, and with consistent treatment and bandage changes, monitoring and taking medication, whatever is gonna be the best way to heal that wound, even if it will always leave a scar, you can do this. And you can have joy and be a kid no matter how old you are - look at me, I'm living my 13 year old fantasy. It's like in turning red, I watched that movie, I loved it but it was almost alienating how different that experience was. I was largely alone spending most of my time with an infant and a drunk old man. I never got to go cry at a concert and sing my favorite cds. But now, I can. And I can feel it, I'm so excited.

[marvelfansince08love]

“It’s you, you idiot. I’m in love with you!”

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word count:  3060

Warning: My bad writing I guess 

Prompt 13, “It’s you, you idiot. I’m in love with you!”

A/N: Van my darling, my best gal. I hope you enjoy this. I may have been inspired by your baking attempts with this prompt ngl x

Thank you to @canarypoint​ again you legend x

Also Tumblr really didn’t like me uploading this so I’m sorry if it’s all bunched together. 

Tags: @missmonsters2

“It’s you, you idiot. I’m in love with you”

"Okay, I went to five different stores, nearly killed a guy and almost lost the checklist. However, I managed to find everything you needed to make that dish, Myshka" Nat says, rushing through the kitchen; both hands full of bags filled with ingredients.  I wipe the bead of sweat from between my brow and sigh in relief, before leaning towards her and planting a quick kiss to her cheek. 

"You are the best assassin and friend a girl could ask for" Nat fakes disgust as she wipes at her cheek. 

"Yeah, yeah if I didn't like the idea of you trying to woo her so much. You'd be joining the guy at the store" she grumbles while helping me remove all the ingredients from the bags. We both make quick work at preparing the famous Chicken Paprikash dish and with Nat's amazing abilities at being able to read almost every language it almost seemed effortless. 

If we both weren't so bad at cooking.

 I keep an eye on the time, anticipating her arrival home. Wanda, Steve, Bucky and Sam had been sent on an undercover mission almost two weeks ago, the whole thing had been kept under the radar with only a few of us in the know. 

"You think we have enough time, Nat?" 

"Of course, Sam messaged me about half an hour ago. They'll be back in 2 hours that gives us plenty of time to cook this dish and help build up your courage to finally confess your undying love for our, Malen'kaya Ved'ma (little witch). Now stop pacing around, you're making me dizzy" 

Since joining the Avengers over a year ago, I've gotten to know each of them very well, already knowing Natasha and Clint from our Shield days it was an easy transition into the great band of supers, that was until I met Wanda Maximoff. Her sparkling hazel eyes and long chestnut hair framing her beautiful face with that shy smile had me a goner from the moment I laid my eyes on her. After a few weeks of being with the team every day for training and team-bonding sessions, the more I realised how much fun and carefree Wanda could be. After speaking to Clint one drunken night about our blossoming friendship outside of the team buildings and training I was dumbfounded by how shocked he was to hear about that side of Wanda which they all only catch small glimpses off. According to Clint after losing her brother she was an empty shell of herself just moving through life as if it was a chore and not a gift to walk this earth. 

I guess she just needed a reason to live again. 

After that revelation I continued to spend time with her alone, I asked more about her and her life in Sokovia, her face lighting up talking about her family and all the traditions they would follow each year even if her and Pietro weren't overly fond of them. Some nights there were tears as she spoke fondly of her brother and her parents no matter how briefly they were mentioned. She would laugh at all the stories I would tell her about our shield adventures both on mission and around the base, her mouth wide and eyes bright with mischief as I relay the story about how me and Nat unscrewed the screws from one of the vents just enough for Clint to fall through right above Fury's office while he was in a meeting with the council. Since she's been away and radio silent, I've never felt so lost even with Natasha around trying her best to cheer me up and letting me win more sparring matches than ever before. 

I take a deep breath in and settle my nerves before helping Nat continue to season the chicken.

 "Okay so it says that we have to boil the rice in a non-stick pan? How do we tell the difference?" I look at her dumbfounded.

"For someone who's supposed to be the world’s most smartest, most deadliest assassin you sure are dumb" I state, I can feel her eyes burning into me. If looks could kill... 

"Do you want my help or not?" 

"No, no I need your help. Thank you Natalia" I say sweetly, smiling innocently at her. She rolls her eyes and continues with the rice. 

Once everything is in the cooker and pan, we retreat to the kitchen island, a bottle of beer in hand as we talk about anything and everything. After some time had passed, I'm interrupted by Nat's hand indicating for me to stop talking as she sniffs at the air. 

"What is that god awful smell?" 

My eyes widen in fear as I start to notice the smoke coming from the pan. I race to grab the fire extinguisher while Nat tries desperately to turn everything off and open the kitchen window. I quickly release the white foam over the pan cutting the small fire off,  as I step back my foot slips slightly on the wet floor, sending me crashing to the floor but not before I manage to hit Nat square in the face with the foam. I groan slightly at my now bruised ass and tenderly sit up, leaning against the counter behind me.We both sit in silence for a moment before bursting into laughter, Nat joining me on the floor, so we're shoulder to shoulder. 

"Let's agree to never cook again".

 "Agreed" 

"God damn it, look at my shirt it’s ruined! I can't confess anything to her looking like this! She'd think I'm crazy!" I quickly unbuttoned my shirt revealing a thin, white tank top underneath. 

"What the hell happened here?" The most angelic voice exclaims by the kitchen doorway, our eyes widen as we both come to the same conclusion. 

She's back. Early.

I quickly scramble to my feet and try to adjust myself accordingly before sending her a beaming smile which quickly turns in a worrying frown after taking in her tired complexion, her hazel eyes no longer holding that bright twinkle whenever she smiles. A large cut visible across her right eyebrow and Sam standing behind her not looking any better. 

"Oh my god, Wanda!" I race forward and delicately place my hands on either side of her face, my eyes scanning every inch of skin. She winces slightly before grasping my forearms gently and removing them away from her face. 

"Oh Sam, how are you? You want me to help clean up that cut, maybe get you snack" I hear Sam mutter behind us rhetorically.I roll my eyes in good nature as Nat laughs behind me. 

"I'm okay, Lumina mea (my light). You should see the other guy" she attempts a small grin before casting her eyes over to the mess that is the kitchen and Nat quietly trying to salvage the meal, with no real joy. I blush at hearing her native tongue slip through at the end of her sentence even if I don't understand the meaning behind the saying. 

"Again, I'll ask, what the hell happened in here and why can I smell paprika?" Her cute button nose scrunches adorably as she takes in my crumbled-up shirt and Nat's wet face. 

"Oh, well we uh.. decided to try and cook a meal for you guys. We know the mission was rough and wanted to surprise you all, we kind of got carried away" I grimace at my cowardly response, I can feel the disappointment in waves from Natasha's direction. 

Okay so I'm not ready to come out with it yet, sue me. 

"Oh, you could have waited until I got back and asked me to help. You know how much I love to make paprikash"I can see the hurt in her eyes even though she tries to brush it off with a small smile. She knows what a bad cook Nat is and how much she loves cooking for you both after a rough mission. 

Great, you've also offended her.

Good going Y/N. 

There's an awkward silence between the four of us before Wanda clears her throat and takes a step back towards the entrance way. 

"I'm gonna go and get cleaned up, I'll see you both at the party tonight, yes?" She addressed us both, but her eyes stayed locked on mine. I blush slightly at the thought of her wanting my company. 

Please she was addressing you both Y/N, as if you would ever stand a chance.

 "Of course, Wanda, we wouldn't miss it" Nat answers for us as I continue to stare at her. I quickly avert my eyes and nod in acknowledgement. 

"We'll be there" 

Once she leaves a dry towel hits me square in the chest, I instantly catch it while looking up in the direction of the thrower. 

"Come on lover girl, let's clean this mess up and order a take away. I'm starving. Also, Sam "we'll be there in two hours" can you not map out a timescale" 

"Listen I lost a lot of blood tryna get out of that place, forgive me please" he grumbles jokingly as he sulks out of the room, mumbling about never getting any attention for how badass he is. 

*** 

A few hours pass by and before I know it, I'm making the final touches to my makeup. A loud knock echoes in the room before Nat swings it wide open and struts in looking like a red-headed goddess. Her dark green off the shoulder dress clinging to her in all the right places. With one more stroke of my mascara brush I turn and face my best friend with a grin. 

"You ready?" 

"If you need me tonight, I'll be behind the bar, slowly drinking my boredom away" "Hey, am I such bad company?!" 

"Well youuuu, missy is going to charm your way into Maximoff’s pants. Therefore, you will be too busy to entertain me tonight, Myshka" 

"Nat, I don't think tonight is the right time, you saw how she looked in the kitchen today. She doesn't need me pestering her all night" 

"Actually, it's the perfect time! Go an' comfort her and if you manage to slip in that you love her then great!" I roll my eyes in good nature before making my way to my door. 

"Come on, Romanoff. I need a drink" 

*** 

The party is too loud and overly crowded with people none of us really know with drinks flowing around every part of the room. 

"Why does he always feel the need to throw a party every time we finish a mission?" 

"Would he be Tony if he didn't? You gotta give him credit though this party is insane" Nat murmurs beside me, making me chuckle in agreement. 

My eyes are already scanning for the beautiful brunette avenger. Nat notices me searching and shoves me forward slightly. 

"Go find her, I'll be by the bar" with one last shove, I'm left by myself looking out into the crowd. 

My eyes finally land on the brown-haired beauty, I bite my lip as I take in her form. A long black flowy dress falls just past her knees with the straps of the dress sitting comfortably just off the shoulder, giving me a great view of her cleavage. Her hair hangs curled and loose over her shoulders, her red lipstick perfectly in place. 

God she's beautiful. 

As I continue to take her in, I notice an unfamiliar arm resting around her waist. I look up to identify the persons whose arm it is and my heart stops as I witness this man lean his mouth to her ear and whisper some bullshit that makes her laugh out, he pulls back clearly satisfied with the response he got from her. As if sensing a presence her eyes turn and rest upon me, a soft smile forming on those red lips. I quickly drop my gaze and turn away from her, heading straight to the bar; trying hard to blend into the crowd.

 "Why the sour face?" Nat questions as she instantly hands me a bottle from behind the bar. 

"You didn't tell me she was seeing someone" I sulk to her before taking a big gulp from the bottle, cringing slightly at the bitter taste. Nat's eyebrows pinch together as if confused by my statement. She leans forward slightly over the bar to peer over my shoulder to take a good look at Wanda and the mystery man. 

"Who? Matthews? Please that guy wishes he could have her. She's just being polite Y/N" Nat tries to reassure me, but I can't seem to remove the image out of my head. 

"It's not like I stood a chance anyway" I grumble grabbing the vodka shot from Nats hand and letting the burning liquid flow down my throat. After a few hours of drinking with Nat; who’s now joined me on the other side of the bar, I start to feel the effects of the alcohol hit me as I laugh out loud from the stupid stories Nat seems to be sharing. Any thoughts of Wanda and her mystery guy fading into the background of my mind. 

Or that's what I keep telling myself. 

In my daze, I quickly lose my balance on the bar stool but before I could hit the floor, I feel a familiar strong arm wrap itself around me, steadying me on the stool. 

"Careful Myshka, you'll end up on your ass" Nat teases as I start to lean heavily against her, sleep fighting to take over. 

"Also, just to let you know Maximoff has been looking over here all night and throwing daggers at me, similar to the one she's throwing right now" Nat says clearly amused at the concept. She leans herself further towards me and traces her finger up and down my arm slightly, my eyes widen in surprise before she leans in and whispers: 

"Just got with it" 

Before I have a chance to question her, I feel a warm body pressed into my back. I gasp slightly at the faint smell of cherries and forest, the smell consuming my senses. I close my eyes briefly knowing that smell all too well. Her lips brush slightly against my ear, making me shiver. 

"Can I talk to you in private, Y/N" I barely have time to nod before her arm is wrapping tightly around me and escorting away from Natasha and out of the room. Once we are alone, she releases her hold on me and starts to pace in front of me, her dress sway slightly with each turn. I stand watching her waiting for her to gather her thoughts, I bite my lip anxiously debating whether to make the first move. She stops suddenly and takes a deep breath in before releasing it into the open air and turning to look at me with a heartbroken expression. 

"You've been avoiding me all night" I gape at her forwardness before replying defensively: 

"No, I haven't, maybe you've been a little preoccupied with prince charming on steroids in there to notice me at all!" She frowns slightly, almost bashfully.

"You mean Matthews? Y/N that guy has a brain of a mouse. I was simply being polite. Anyway, you are one to talk! Are you and Nat ever going to go public because the way shes’s being all handsy with you tonight, you may as well let everyone know!" Now it's my turn to gape at her in shock becoming slightly annoyed.

 I take a step towards her slightly wanting to keep her full attention on me as I feel the word vomit slowly creeping its way up my throat.

"Are you being serious right now?! Me and Nat are best friends that's never even been a thought! Are you so blind to see Wanda?! You think I'd go and pick up your favourite flowers every Thursday even though they make my nose itch and makes me sneeze because I thought they'd brighten up your bedroom? You have plants covering every window sill! You think I'd attempt to cook a dish that I can barely understand let alone cook and make a complete mess of it for just anyone?! Wanda you are always in my thoughts every day, the past two weeks have been torturing for me wondering when you'd be home.  I missed you all the damn time! I missed our nights in where it was just the two of us watching crap reality television because even though we make fun of it we both secretly love the drama" She stares at me in shock, her lip twitching into a smile ever so slightly at the last part of my confession. 

Her silence clearly an invitation for me to continue: 

"But you really want to know what I missed about those nights while you've been gone. I missed watching your beautiful face scrunch up slightly as you slowly doze off with your head falling onto my shoulder. I would stay sitting in that upright position for hours if it meant keeping you like that, close to me. Wanda there could never be a me and Nat... you wanna know why? It's you, you idiot. I'm in love with you!" 

Her emerald green eyes drop to the floor, suddenly finding it very interesting before a wide smile settles on her red lips and her eyes slowly make their way to meeting mine. 

“You love me?” 

“Yes I love you, you idiot” I whisper, shuffling slightly feeling uncomfortable and exposed with my feelings. 

Before I can turn and hide away from my embarrassing confession, I feel warm, soft lips press hard against my own, the taste of vanilla chapstick lingers on my lips as I brush my tongue gently against her bottom lip making her gasp, granting me access. Our tongues clash, both fighting for dominance before pulling away slightly, my teeth catching her bottom lip gently and tugging at the soft skin softly before letting go with a small pop. 

"If I'm an idiot, I'll be an idiot who’s in love with you too" she whispers breathlessly into the open air between us, her forehead resting gently against my own. 

I smile.  

[theficplug]

|Next Lifetime|Erik Killmonger|

previous chapters : Part 1 Part 2  Part 3 

erik killmonger x black reader

|part 4|

warnings: um definitely smut this chapter at the end. so 18+ for this chapter! and a possible trigger warning for grief but i promise it gets better and its a romcom.

synopsis:  reader grieves Erik until she doesn’t (i’m trying not give too much away). This one is a long ass chapter. So, grab you a snack and something to drink! I hope y’all like it.

“You promised on our birthday that you would give me something far more special than the charms you would gift to me. In 2018, you wanted to avenge your birth parents and you went off and did something foolish and when you- when they returned you to me you were-.” you struggle for a bit to find the words to explain it all to him as he takes a step back to gather himself. 

He rubs his eyes before grabbing your arms gently and massaging them . He leans down to look you in your eyes before asking “Ma, did you take something before I came to pick you up? You alright? Cause what you saying don’t make no sense at all... Your pupils don't look dilated though.” 

“I know how this must sound. Batshit crazy. I know it sounds crazy to me too. I’m still trying to figure out if I’m losing my own damn mind. I don’t know how or why. I just know that you came back to me.” you say to him and he shakes his head. 

“Erik. You’re talking about your ex boyfriend...The one that passed... . Alright, I’m going to take you home now... I still don’t understand what’s going on here and I’ve had about all I can take of trying to understand what’s going on here.” N’Jadaka says quietly to you before going around and opening your car door. 

The drive was silent as you picked at your nails and let the soft r&b roll over the tension between the two of you. 

Your own thoughts were going in about a billion different directions again. It didn’t feel right to just sit on all of that and not say anything at all. As ripped from a science fiction film as it sounded at least he knows. 

He was never one to think quietly because you could practically read his thoughts with the changing of expressions across his face.

The relief of seeing your building washed over you as he offered to walk you to your door. 

It was bittersweet because there was still so much of him in this different version of him. Even when he was upset with you or livid with whatever ghost that was haunting him back then,  he still showed nothing but tenderness to you.

You nod and give him a small smile before following him up the stairs , to your elevator, and finally your door. 

“I know that this is a lot. I mean who in their right mind would be able to process all of that.I wish there was any other way to say it... But thank you, I had a really nice time.” your soft words snap him out of staring at your face as if he was trying to piece it all together.

He knew deep down that there was something about you and what happened that weekend while dreaming in colours and other worlds but he couldn’t wrap his head around all of this happening in real life.  

You lean up to kiss his cheek and he grabs your shoulders softly. “With all due respect. You seem like a lovely person and a good woman, but I just - this all a lil too weird for me and I don’t think it’s a good idea that we continue seeing each other.” 

He kisses your hand and leaves with one look over your shoulder as you call out “Meet me at our spot. If you are still anywhere in there. You’ll know what I mean.”

“What the hell happened ? I didn’t expect you back until tomorrow morning?” Iri says as she settles on the other side of the sofa and patted the spot next to her as you kick off the sandals and lay your head on her lap with tears already prickling your eyes. 

“Oh you didn’t? Please don’t tell me you told him about the soulmate reincarnation thing? Sweets, you probably scared the hell out of that man. We needed you to keep that waaay down in the vault.” Tiki adds as she pops the cork off the bottle of wine in her hand and pauses the movie playing on the screen in the background. 

“Here’s what we’re gonna do . You’re gonna text him and tell him that you had just gotten your wisdom teeth removed earlier today and the meds had you unexpectedly zooted as fuck. “ Iri suggests and you chuckle softly.

---

Meanwhile at N’Jadaka’s house he was already being pestered by Lina and Penn for some type of details about what happened during the date. Orleans was already in the kitchen cooking and ear hustling but went back to his conversation on the phone with Big Mike when he realized there wasn’t any tea. 

“I don’t feel good. I’m finna go lay down. I’ll talk to y’all in the morning”. He says simply to them before trudging his way to his part of the house.

They had been friends since college and just got used to the idea of living together as they did in the dorms so they made it work after graduation. 

It helped them save money for when they finally separated and all of their schedules kept them busy so they didn't have time to get sick of each other. They also knew him well enough to know when something was bothering him and to leave him alone when he gets this moody.

"What the fuck?" He whispered under his breath 

"What the fuck was all that?" He continues talking to himself as he strips and walks past the bathroom mirror to the shower. 

He stops when something catches his eye. He sees a birthmark on his chest that almost resembles the shape of claw marks. He lets his fingers linger over the mark for a second. Thoughts of a panther mask clouded his memories for a moment before he shook his head and entered the shower. 

---

A few hours later of talking through it with your girls about possibly seeing a therapist about all that's going on and you were ready for bed. 

It didn't take long to drift off, you were ready to put the whole thing behind you. 

The familiar setting of purples , pinks, and hues of blue came into focus and you looked around letting the butterflies land on you again.

 You walk through the flowers and find Erik sitting by a stream of water weaving some of the flowers together. 

"What the hell, E?" You ask as you run over to him and wrap your arms around his neck

He turns to you and smiles big , his dimples on full display before shrugging. 

"It ain't perfect but it's the best I could do. They said it's like a do-over or something like that. I get a second chance but as a result of the way I did things the first time it's a lil different. Like when you restore a computer and it lose all it's files and shit. I get a new life but I'm still kinda stuck. I kinda like it though. I don't remember all the other shit when I'm awake. It really is like starting over. Shits crazy to explain when you think about it. But for you , you already know. I'd find you in this life and the next and the one after that. I don’t think I’mma ever fully remember what happened with all of that when i’m awake. I’m cool with it. It ain’t something I’m tryna remember." He says tipping your chin up to look at you and kissing you softly 

"I know. At least I get to hold you in the real world. It's just different. But guess what I saw today? I seen that bench that you and me signed all them years back. It's still there." You say to him and he places the lil flower bracelet around your wrist as y'all sit and talk for the rest of the night.

By the time you wake up with the aroma of breakfast wavering throughout the loft you feel a little better about the whole situation with Erik, not Erik. 

You opened your phone and sent him an I'm sorry gif with a few extra words inspired by Tina's wisdom tooth lie. 

 After easing into the kitchen and standing in the doorway you see the two lovebirds dancing around the kitchen singing to each other and laying food on the plates. 

"Morning lil sleepy head. Don't forget that I'll still be coming down to the center with you today for the seminar. You hungry?" Iris asks as she places the plate in your hands with a kiss to the top of the head. 

"Of course. There's a young girl, Sophie there that I really think would love to talk to you. She's just starting her transition. And her parents are wonderful but they don't really have much money. She hasn't really had the chance to get more “feminine” presenting clothes and she likes makeup.  " You say and she nods catching your drift.

"Well it'd brighten anybody's day seeing a beautiful successful trans woman like myself honey. But let's lift her spirits even more. I'm gonna bring some of the makeup I got from pr packages and some of the clothes from this collection. I really hope it helps." She answers and Tika just saunters over to her proclaiming her love for her. 

"Alright alright alright. I get it. I'm single as hell." You say laughing softly

---

Two weeks ticked by with radio silence on N'Jadaka's end. After the 4th day when he gave you the cold shoulder at a coffee shop, you decided to stop trying.

Maybe it wasn't fate and maybe you were just believing what you wanted to believe. 

You reason with yourself as you walked around the loft making notes about the new housing project you were working on. 

Finally having the house to yourself with the lovebirds gone for the day on a little adventure. You got to work budgeting and calling different areas to rent out apartments to you for women and lgbtq+ with housing insecurities. 

Your ramblings and thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door , thinking that Iri or Tika left something behind. 

"I told you to take your sunscre- Daka?" You question as he stands in front of you

You cross your arms and furrow your brows while waiting for an answer from him.

He stands for a moment like he’s trying to gather all of his thoughts together in a way that makes sense to both of you. 

"What're you doing here?" You ask putting your hand on your hip. 

He drops his shoulders and lets out a soft sigh before looking at you.

"I didn't wanna believe it. What you said that night cause like how the fuck does something like that happen? I’mma be honest.  I wanted to just believe that you were a lil off and leave it at that but something keeps telling me that you right. I can't remember shit before college and all I wanted to do was be with you. From the moment I met you in the store. I was like, this is it. This is what's missing. A piece to a puzzle that's all jumbled up." He admits and you nod slowly before letting him in. 

You walk around the kitchen getting a cup of tea for yourself and sitting a cup of coffee down on the counter for him.

“Don’t worry it’s black, I know you dont like it sweet.”

"You know I didn't exactly expect my fiancee that I buried months before to show up at a damn supermarket of all places. This isn't some movie or fanfiction. These kind of things don't happen in real life. Daka you, you had claw marks all over you. The last time I laid eyes on you. And now you're here in front of me. I thought that I was losing my mind." You say and he starts to unbutton his shirt.

"These." He says peeling his shirt off and showing you the birthmarks on his chest and shoulder.

You trace your fingers over it before leaning your head on his shoulder. 

"I asked my parents about my childhood and when I passed by my old neighborhood a few days ago andI remembered some things. I remember what happened to my other parents, in pieces. Shit’s brutal." He says dropping his gaze

"It's okay." You whisper to him and wrap your arms around him. You rocked him for a moment letting him let all of those feelings wash over him. 

He embraced you for a moment before kissing you tenderly. You tug at his bottom lip before deepening the kiss when he press you against the counter. 

"We'll figure it out... Something telling me I'd be a fuckin fool to lose you again." He says quietly against yours lips. 

"Are you gonna make love to me or are you going to keep looking at me like that?" You ask as he studies your whole face like he's looking at art. 

"A memory. It's you. We stood right here and I kissed you the same way. You were saying something like "you bring yourself home to me"." He says and you nod frantically, holding him closer to you.

"I did. It was right before you left." You admit and he nods before lifting you up onto the counter and kissing you heatedly this time. He kisses down to your breasts before looking up at permission from you to unhook your bra. 

Always a man that knows what he's doing. He takes kisses around your breasts and nipples. He takes his time to lick and caress you until he works his way down.

You shake your head yes before moving to slide off your panties but his kisses and his mouth is already beating you to it as he kisses down to your thigh.

He slides your panties off with his teeth and tosses them over his shoulder. 

You tilt your head back as you feel him wasting no time massaging over your clit and working you over with his fingers, curling them and stroking you gently. 

Your soft moans fill the room when he hooks your leg over his shoulder and begins to suckle your clit softly , swirling his tongue over it. 

"Tika will kil- Ooh god. How does your tongue feel like it's vibrating?" You ask and he only chuckles and grips onto your cheeks to bring you closer to him.

He was feasting on and devouring you like he was going to lose again and you could grind your hips down against his tongue and moan his name sweetly.

He didn't stop his tongue or fingers working in you until your legs are shaking and you're gripping at his head. 

"You have- fuck. I'm a squir-" you moan his name brokenly while trying to get out your words and lean back for a moment licking his lips before realizing what you're trying to say.

"Hold that for me. I wanna come with you." He says to you and you pout and protest as he removes his fingers. He picks you up off the counter and carries you bridal style asking you which room is yours.

"Left , left." You giggle into his shoulder as he helps you slide your dress off and you unbutton his jeans for him. 

You capture him in a kiss for a moment feeling his soft plump lips against yours again for the first time in what feels like forever. 

"It's been a long time since I've done all of this. . . Gentle." You say and he runs a calloused finger over your cheek moving a curl away from your face as he looks at you. 

He gets a quick flash of a memory of you and him in bed. You wore a smile on your face before telling him "happy anniversary".

He trailed his fingers down your body remembering almost every scar , every moment. 

When Erik got to a scar at your side. He chuckled, unlocking a memory of you two running from the neighborhood rottweiler , Smokey. 

That old ass dog hated you and he hoisted you over the fence first after being out late one night in high school. The gate had caught your side when you jumped. 

Erik felt so bad he brought you food from anywhere you wanted everyday from to school for a month. 

He leans down to place open mouthed kisses to it. 

He traced over your thighs to the cellulite and stretch marks remembering when you first got them. 

He was moving homes at the time and he wasn't ready to be further away from you yet.  You two just sat for hours at the park in the grass, talking. 

" You know white men behind all of that anyways. They want y'all to feel like you gotta look the same way. That's how they make them billions. My mama had 'em . Yo mama , and generations back. And it ain't ever stop them from being the women they are. Besides if any dirtneck nigga ever try you , just tell me. Imma handle it." He would say as you sat with your head on his lap, staring at the sun setting, knowing good and well your grandparents were gonna ground you for being late when you get home. 

They never did though cause you were with Erik they knew you were gonna be alright. 

"Nothing to worry about. I… I've never done any of that stuff before…Have you?" you question hesitantly as you stare off. 

"Tisha. From Ms. Wilkes class. We was coming from the kick back-" 

"Uh uh . That's your business , you ain't gotta tell me all of that." You say slightly upset at the fact that Tisha of all people was his first. 

----

"I got you." He says kissing your forehead then your nose before hooking your leg over his hip and easing into you slowly while his lips are still on yours. His eyes never left yours as he cupped your face sweetly like he didn't want to lose you again. 

In this moment he gets a glimpse of prom night and how things changed between the both of you forever. 

He wraps his hands around your waist. One of his hands splayed across your belly. 

He remembers the pregnancy scare you both had afterwards with him holding your hand and telling you no matter what happens he wanna be there for both of you.

Luckily, nothing came of it but you were definitely closer because of it.

You let out an open mouthed gasp at the feeling of being so full of him after so long. 

You rest your hands on his neck and shoulder and he bottoms out fully settling into you as he moves his arms next to  balance himself. 

You close your eyes as he begins to stroke into you trying to set a rhythm for you as his praises for you fall from his lips. 

He kisses his way down your neck licking the marks that are already starting to form there. 

"My lil baby." He mutters out after licking a freshly formed hickey forming on top of your breasts. 

You open your eyes slowly , looking at him and the way he's looking at you . 

"It's been way too long since I've heard that from you. You're remembering?" You ask quietly as you let out a soft moan.

N'Jadaka's muscles flex and tighten as he picks up his pace. His abs clenched as he  pulls out almost completely and filled you at a different angle.

 The sounds of your moans filling the room with every stride and stroke of his hips,  it seems like you're closer to floating in space. The man was fucking you like his life depended on it and at this point all you could do is wrap your arms around him again to comfort you as he shutters and rolls his hips deeper into you. Your walls tighten around him as you relish in the feeling of him. 

"Fuck. I remember all of it." He says half chuckling at the way it's coming to him and half nearly in tears cause he really missed being with you. 

"I also remember that this is your favourite position cause you like to see my face." He teases before leaning down to kiss you again with them plump ass lips.

"E?" You ask , grabbing his face with trembling hands.

"Baby?" You ask again 

He moves his hands from your waist and places your hands in his. Then moving them above your head as he flashes in between making love to you for the last time and now.

You roll over with him and place your hands on your chest riding him slowly getting the rhythm as he strokes into you from below. 

He laughs softly when he realizes what you're doing. 

"Are you spelling my fucking name , baby?" He asks and you tell him that you can spell both.

You let out a whimper when he brushes your spot and let him take over as he runs his hands over your thighs to your butt and over your back as he strokes into you. 

He plants his feet on the bed and work your hips in rhythm with him. 

It didn't take long for you to orgasm with a loud shriek of his name . You had forgotten how he gets when he's close as his hands on gripping all over your thighs and your back. You were already feeling sensitive with your second orgasm coming through and this man felt like he was trying to put it in your belly. 

He rolls you onto your side giving it to you deeply. 

With a loud hiss and panting from him he cums , holding you in his arms.

"I don't think it has felt like that since our birthday last year." He says into your ear as he pulls you closer into his arms. 

He engulfs you fully in his embrace and presses a kiss to the side of your head. 

You laugh softly and roll over to face him , resting your forehead against his.

"I remember. You took me to Paris. I had never been and at the time I was obsessed with everything Parisian. We fucked on the balcony and somehow I ended up popping the straps to my favorite dress. You still owe me by the way." You tease and he shakes his head laughing. 

"I think we ended up saving they marriage from across the way though. They was arguing the whole time. Then they gon watch us like we ain't see them." Erik says laughing as he squeezes your thigh playfully.

"I know they was trying some things." You joke 

"I missed you so much. You don't even understand." You admit with a somehow saddened and relieved expression. 

"I know.  I want to start over this time. All of that Erik Killmonger shit is over with. I wanna keep the name N'Jadaka and just start over. All of that was too heavy on me to carry. I wanna let it all go. I wanna do it right with you." He explains 

"Good because if you put me through that again. Wakanda will be the least of your damn worries." You say to him and he nods giving you his word, sealed with a kiss.

"It'll be alright. Everything happens for a reason. And I think that right now a bath needs to happen and I'm gonna need you to do that thing again that you did in the kitchen cause I'm tryna figure out when you learned that-" 

At some point after the bubble bath/ shower combo you were both out like a light until Iri and Tika decide to come busting in like they usually do with little gifts and food for you. 

"Guess who's your fave- SHE GOT A WHOLEASS MAN IN HER BED" Iri announces to Tika before your pillow hits the door as she closes it. 

"Sorry about that. This is kinda our cuddle hour so they're used to just coming on in." You say sleepily and he just laughs it off while holding you closer. 

"It's all good. I remember that I ain't know them much before but when we did spend time with them, they were good people." He says, still trying to piece it together.  

----

You fell asleep more peacefully than you had in a long time. Now granted, good sex didn't fix the many layers of issues and mysticism surrounding everything.

But for now, you knew that you had him, you had your girls, family and your business. Everything felt alright again. 

Right up until the point of sleeping through the first alarm to meet the property owners.

"Bae. Bae your phone going off." N'Jadaka whispers in the dark room , voice still riddled with sleep and grogginess. 

"Shit. Shit. I'm gonna be so late." You call out , quickly jumping out of bed and stumbling around the room. 

It takes you about 25 minutes to speed through getting dressed in your best skirt suit. 

N'Jadaka sits on the end of the bed putting on his shoes and watching you shuffle around. 

He had offered to drive you there and stay with you and check out the property with you. 

He slows you down by grabbing you by your arms gently and placing a kiss to your lips. 

"Good morning, handsome. Let's go" 

You walk through the living room with Iri and Tika already posted up in the kitchen placing two breakfast burritos in a container to grab and go. 

You grab your things from the counter all while thanking them and jetting towards the door.

"Good luck pooh!" Tika calls after you. 

"Byyyyeeee Dakaaaa" they call out after him

---

"Here it is . These are the apartments. I know they don't look like much now from the outside. But from the pictures it looks great. And they'll be safe and comfortable here-" you babble on to N'Jadaka while you both stand outside of the building where Erik grew up , until you notice two women walking to  a car that clearly wasn't from this area. 

You notice Shuri and your breath hitches in your throat. 

Frozen in your anxiety, the seconds ticked by and it was too late to leave. She looked you dead in the eye and then at N'Jadaka like she had seen a ghost.

She gasped and Nakia followed the eyes before back into the car. 

"SHURI WAIT - PLEASE" you yell out to them but the car was already speeding  away. 

tag list : @doublesidedscoobysnacks @chaneajoyyy @mirandkimy @doitforthevine67​ @amyhennessyhouse @dasia21​ @depressionandfandomsinc @sinfully-dope @ambitionwood @heybriheyyy @wholelotta-melanin @theesotericqueen​ @mbakuwife​ @spookys-girl @teardropzih @bigchoose @ceo-of-baby @sweetpeachjones @lost-ssoull  @shyblackgurl @justpeachee @nijajoha @imayhavemisunderstood @beautifullmelodyxx​ @alookintohersoul @rbhp @champagnesugamama​ @just-peachee @almeda-344  @mahogany2021 

[antigoneidk]

hiii❤️could i request tom x reader where she is a famous singer and her and tom breaks up and she realizes the song dead(by madison beer) and she says "you said u can't live without me" cuz she remembers when tom told her that and after she says "why aren't u dead..." and tom heard of the lyrics and he tries to commit suicide but the reader goes at his house and she founds him and it's like very angst😣😭😭

Dead|t.h.

A/N : thank you for your request. Also I tried to switch from 2nd person to 3rd at some point for a little so I hope it's okay.Enjoy❣

Warnings : language,mentions of suicide,angst

_

"You think isn't hard for me?Leaving and going on tour without seeing you for months? I'm trying to be happy Tom,I love my job. Why are you doing this now?"your eyes filled with tears,blurring your vision. He was standing across the room,away from you.

"I just can't doing this anymore. The distance is too much for me y/n. And I don't even know what are you doing there alone." his fingers running down his curls,messing his hair. You walked faster towards him and you slapped him in his cheek forcing him to turn his face. The sound made you close your eyes but his words broke your heart in billion pieces. How could he think such a thing? You never thought of cheating,ever. You loved him so much to hurt him like that. You missed him every day,every second. Your songs were about him,your feelings in words you couldn't speak but only sing.

"That's what are thinking of me?That I cheated on you? I-I...you just hurt me with the worst way possible"you passed him away and your tears escaped and covered your face and neck. You wanted to scream,break stuff around you,cry hard.

"Stop doing like this. I didn't say that you cheated on me. But what I'm supposed to think if your miles away from me? Facetime,photos and voice messages don't work and you know it too. It hurts me when I can't touch you,hold you,kiss you."his hands tried to approach you but your body moved back. You couldn't think at that moment.

"It hurts me too and I thought you knew. But to think of this? I can't believe you"

"I'm scared that you are going to leave me one day all fucking alone"his tears showed up but his anger was worse. His tone was mean and abusive"I am trying to stay positive but loneliness hits hard when you are by yourself inside these fucking four walls. Even my friends can't help me"his hands moving with his words. He was angry only to cover how sad and broken he actually was. What was he even doing?

"I know it"you yelled at him. Your voice cracked and a sob left your lungs"I feel the same every second I'm away. But don't say that I didn't try. I told you to come with me and you denied for who knows what reason. So don't be an asshole now"your arms were now crossed to your chest.

"Babe,I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm sorry"how his mind can change in a second?

"No. Don't touch me"you pushed him far away from you"You can't just hurt me like that and then saying you're sorry. You don't mean it"you left again but you were now moving to the front door ready to leave.

"You don't have to leave now"he grabbed your arm with anger so that he can stop you"When I say I'm sorry I mean it y/n. And where are you even going huh? Stay so that we can talk"

"The only person you have to talk is yourself. Make a choice. I hurt myself trying to love you and your indecisiveness. What do you want?"you asked him. Did he wanted to be with you or not? You sounded indignant.

He says he loves you but he thinks that you cheat.

"Go away"that was it? He wanted you to leave?"Don't come back"You didn't say anything. Tears in your eyes once more showing how weak you were.You left running away and crying as loud as possible. Not giving a damn if someone could hear you.

You left a scream once you closed the door of your car.

Anger. Sadness.

Two emotions that had you fucked up for days.

"I can't live without you my love"

"And I don't even know what are you doing there alone"

"I love you"

"Go away"

His voice haunted you like a ghost. Your voicemail full. His texts, drunk words full of regret. Then texts with hate you's.Your mind couldn't process this.

Why was he like this? Two different personalities in a body. It was like you had a relationship with two people and not one. The one loved you,cared for you,missed you. The other thinking you cheat,lie,never care for him. It sounded to you like this was a part of him that was scared. Maybe you weren't showing you loved him enough.

And then memories with him saying sweet things,making promises,talking about a better future. Everything was falling apart,slipping through your hands.

You wanted to write,escape. The only way you could keep yourself from the complete distraction. The only way you could express the pain,the sadness were into. He was your muse even for this. The inspiration you always needed.

_

Tom's eyes scanning the other cars around him,trying to escape his own thoughts. Raindrops hitting his car,breaking the silence that made him breath hard.

One month,he thought. Her things still in his place,the ghost of her following him in every corner. He was feeling her stare behind him,burning piece by piece his body. Flower perfume smelling in the house. Her laugh coming through the walls,giving him warmth. Her touch giving him chills. Her lips keeping company to his lonely ones.

I hate you,I hate you.

The only phrase in his sober mind. Why she'd left him like that? Did she wanted to? She didn't say a thing. A single word. She just left him there hopeless, alone. She had to fight. Stay there and fight right? If she was right,that what she was supposed to do.

I love you,I love you.

The alcohol running through his veins. He missed her but she was right. She had to be free and happy. Things she apparently didn't feel anymore by his side. The best thing he had to do is to let her go. Even if he didn't want to.

His fingers searching for music. The radio on,help him survive from his sadness he was drowning into.

"And right after her tour, y/n y/l/n is already giving us new music. She-"

Just her name could distract him from everything. New song. She never talked about it. He was the first one to hear her voice singing words that only tears could bring him. She trusted him. She anticipated his thoughts for every song and album,before the whole world.He was her muse and the only one that his opinion mattered to her. Until now.

"Do you think is about her recent break up? People are going crazy" this woman's voice made Tom think again. Their break up? She wrote a song about their break up?

"That's what I thought too when I heard it but let's hear it again. This is Dead by y/n y/l/n"

The beat. He stopped his car and stayed there staring at the sky.

"You could be here but you're there,you could be anywhere and these days I don't even care"

After days her voice was real to his ears. Deep,full of pain. His fault.

"You only be showing me love whenever you've had too much"

Did he acted like this?

"Yeah, tryna fuck me and my mind up,it's a reminder you're a liar and you know I'm right"

She was right. He knew it.

"You say you can't live without me.So why aren't you dead yet?Why you still breathing?"

He recalled his words.

"I can't live without you my love. How can I live without seeing your beautiful eyes every morning when I wake up or every night before I sleep with you in my arms? How can I live without hearing your sweet voice talking and whispering to me words I need to hear? Singing for me? How can I live without having you touch me,dancing around the living room,making love to you? How can I live without your love,the only reason i breath for? You're like a drug to me. I'm addicted to you the more you're here with me,the more your eyes meet mine,the more you speak to me,the more your hands are all over my body. I'm nothing without you do you hear me?"his hands to her cheeks wiping her little tears away. She was holding him so tight,not letting him leave. Their lips connected,not letting one another. This was the air the needed. One another.

His tears never stopped falling as he kept listening to her words. The pain she let her go through.

"And I give you so many shots but you just drinking 'em all,you never give it a thought, oh love"

He was now seeing it clearly,how he took her love for granted

"Say only what you mean"

He couldn't live without her. He meant it although she thought he didn't.

"Mean to me then you're nice,you're nice,you're nice"

The anger took over him that night. That night he wanted to erase from his memory for ever. Words he never meant to say to her,making her feel bad. How the hell the thought of her cheating crossed his mind? She was the one that loved him like no one else. And he just pushed her.

He wanted to pretend that it was a bad dream. A nightmare. He would wake up and she would be next to him,holding him close to her body,kissing him,telling that it was a dream and everything was alright.Fuck he missed her.

"Why,why,why,why?"

He punched the steering wheel on front of him,screaming the name that was avoiding for a month.

Why did he do that to her? Why did he have to push the person he loved the most far away from him? Why did he not fought for it more? Why did he not stopped loving her?

He started questioning his decisions. So many mistakes,so many bad choices,so many wrong people,except his girl. The girl that wasn't his anymore. Or wouldn't be any time soon.

What was the point of living then? He failed his family,his friends,the person that was in love with. She was the one that could save him from the confusion in his mind,that could help him survive from the disaster he caused to everyone around him. All of his tears couldn't bring her back to him. She was not longer his,but free.

He was now driving to his home,his blurry vision make it difficult to drive. His hands squeezing the steer hard, turning the color to bright white just like his bones. The only thing to his brain

Death. A solution to his problem. A way to escape from this prison he locked himself.

None of the people would care for him. Not the people he wanted to care for him. One specific he needed the most now to take the pain away. To whisper to his ear,kiss him. Not even an angel was able to compare to y/n,the angel he let go. And the fact that his name would never fall from her lips was a shame for him.

Every move was quicker that the other. Her pink toothbrush next to his blue one. Her perfume in his hands, smelling it one more time. Her beautiful eyes met his red tired ones through the big mirror. He left the tears run down his face, hoping she would take them away but when he blinked,she disappeared.

Pills over the sink now. He swallowed as many as he could to end this quicker.The pain in his chest. He sat down at the bathroom floor crying. Sweating falling from his forehead as he placed his hands behind his head.

Take me away

_

You opened the door quietly. He was nowhere near so you left a breath fall from your mouth. You wanted to take some of your stuff from this house.

The fight you had was happening right in front of your eyes. The tense,the anger,the nerves, the pain. You closed your eyes and moved to your bedroom.

"Let me make love to you"

His hands touching your body,leaving the need for more. The pleasure he only knew you needed. His hot breath hitting your skin,his kisses marking every inch of your skin and you moaning at that feeling. Your hands at his hair pulling him closer and closer,more into you. Becoming one.

Your hands pushing his clothes aside,taking yours putting them into your little bag. They smelled just like him. The whole room. You blinked once more,trying to prevent the teardrops. You felted his eyes on your back,increasing your heartbeat. But once you turned the wall seemed more cold that ever. You needed to cry at the bed,take his pillow and hug it as tight as possible. But you didn't have the time.

You opened the bathroom door. Pills everywhere. Your things untouched except your cologne. The whole room smelled flowers and you wanted to throw up at that smell. It was his favourite. You reminded him of flowers,birds,spring,the season of love.

And them as you came inside you found his body down,his head at the side,his eyes shut,and his chest moving slowly up and down. His hands rest at the side of his body,sweating all over his face. His curls at the middle.

You screamed. You sat down next to him with his head at your hands.

"Baby? Tom? My love? Tommy? Baby answer me."you cried out as he didn't respond to you."Why did you this? Why did you do that to yourself darling? Why?"

His eyes opened to met yours. Deep red,brown full of pain. He tried to smile but was to weak.You were responsible for that? You never saw him like this,ever. His right hand touched your face,scanning you for a while.

"I love you y/n"he couldn't speak. You were shaking now,terrified. He was dying in front of you.

"I need you to throw up for me. I am not letting you die no. Why,why?"you tried to save him. You were trying to. You called for help.He was throwing up. You held his head and hand tight.

"How many did you take?"you asked. He looked at you with tears. You stopped some of them and kissed his cheeks with your hands on his neck."Why my love?Why?"you felt hopeless.

"You don't love me anymore y/n and I can't live without you. Don't leave me."his voice cracked just like your heart did.You bit your lips,almost cutting them. The sight of him down weak,unable to talk or even look at you was heartbreaking for you. The love of your life was about to leave you.

You kissed his lips softly. They were dry,not how they used to. You felt him trying to kiss you back but not for long. You opened your eyes after worried,his breath kept getting worse and worse. "I love you,don't go"you hugged him and kept him close to you. He was going to survive. He had to survive. You would be by his forever,never leaving again and trying to make up for it.

Make up for all of his tears,his pain you made him feel. And you were responsible for.

________

let's pretend that the song wasn't about jack for a moment thankss

also I want to mention that suicide is a very serious topic and is something we should take seriously.

Hope you like it and I'm sorry for any mistakes:)

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

[the-sun-moon-stars]

SUNSETS & FULL MOONS

This is just a collection of lyrics from the songs on the BLESSED album from The Script - Sunsets & Full Moons. I hope you can appreciate them just as much as I do. May be useful as inspiration for any writers out there? I will be writing some of my own stories based off of these lyrics so if you have a FAVOURITE that you would like me to write...ASK me. ENJOY!!

SOMETHING UNREAL 

Been cutting old wounds, and staying up all night again

Every bone I break, If it's love or hate, I wanna feel

Every time I bruise, If it's win or lose, I wanna feel (Something unreal)

But a million more problems, is all that I got in the end

My heart has been rewired

The hair is standing on my skin, I know that I am home

THE LAST TIME

Why's it so hard to look me in the eye?

I know you only ever bite your lip, when it's something you're afraid to say

(I’m sorry but the whole chorus) Is this the last time that I lay my eyes upon you? Is this the last time that I ever watch you leave? This is the last thing I would ever have done to you. This is the last thing that I thought you'd do to me.

I'm tryna hold your hand but feeling like my hand’s tied

Leaving that ring I gave you in the drawer, but you're taking every single part of me

I think of the first kiss, that led to the first night

We said that it would last, but how come it’s the last time?

RUN THROUGH WALLS

Sitting in the kitchen and talkin' for hours

There's no one born with X-Ray eyes

There's no way to know what's on my mind, but you always say the words that save my life

When I've nowhere left to go, and I need my heroes, I've got friends that will run through walls

You may not be superhuman, but you've got the strength to carry me through it, my shield of steel when I'm too weak to fight

And that day my mother died, and you held me up and you wiped my eyes

You're always happy for my happiness, and sad for my sadness, piss me off, you're mad for my madness 

Ever since we were young, you help me rise from the ashes

If I fall from the sky you'd catch me

IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF

Look at me, I'm my own worst enemy

Nice to everyone, when it comes to me, cut myself up with brutal honesty

How can you love if you don't love yourself?

Look at you, you're just as messed up as me, Only difference is I speak honestly

Every twist and turn that our life takes, like a boat in the sea when the wave breaks

Every night is the dawn of a new day, you don't lose if you learn from your mistakes

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

A big man like him better leave my girl alone

You can take my car and drive away all your fears

Hurt people, they hurt people, Is it ever gonna stop?

You might get lost, but you're no loser, and you might get used, but you're no user

I stick by you, 'cause there's no choosing

Some have it better, yeah, some have it worse

Some people pay the man in the sky for it

You measure the heart by the size of the man, I measure the man by the size of the heart

Help me see the light in the dark

SAME TIME (This is a favourite) 

Headphones in, I'm walking by the hotel bar on Fifth, where we got drunk and had that argument

In case you send one more late-night text, The one that says, "Let's forgive and forget"

Somehow I know that you're thinking of me, In a half-made bed, waking up alone

Somehow I know that you're thinking of me, when it's 2 AM, I'm stumbling home

Can't catch my breath, I'm passing by the place where we first met

See these silhouettes of things we're regret

Somehow I know you'll be thinking of me on your wedding day, just before it starts, in the back of your heart

We'd be wonderin' all our lives, if we didn't make it right, am I mad to think we'd have ever made it?

And no matter who I'm with, there's a part of me that's still, still in love

It's the end of our lives, but somehow I know that you're thinking of me, underneath the stars, in a lonely sky, till the day I die

UNDERDOG (This is also a fave)

Just when you think I've given up, I start to fight, just when you think I've had enough, I start to bite

I'm gonna prove the whole world wrong tonight, this is for the underdog, underdog

I've been going up against it all my life

The ones who fight wars, the true soldiers, for the ones who keep marchin' on

The ones who must try, the true legends, think it's something worth fightin' for

The only one against the odds, to reach the top

THE HURT GAME 

The years have passed, but still, you're on my mind, so tell me, is it fake or just an illusion?

'Cause I've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons, drinkin' it all but drowned in the meaning, cuttin' it off but still got the feeling

Why am I still looking over my shoulder at you?

Just know that nobody's ever come closer than you, than you, in the hurt game

Got the kind of love you can't explain

The hurt game, we throw blame, the worst pain, we love hard, we get scarred, it's insane, can't win for losing in the hurt game

I know that you think that I'm drunk, but I'm sober, I know you told me I shouldn't come over to you, but I do

HOT SUMMER NIGHTS

Remember you will always be the one I'll never forget

'Cause you're a sunset girl whose world is always dreamin'

And I'm a full moon man who's living with no regrets

Until we meet again, my love

Through the yes and the no's, and the highs and the lows, through the good and the bad, when you smile when you're mad, I'll be here, I'll be waitin' for you, love

I don't like sayin' goodbye to those hot summer nights with you

We're laying down on the hood of my car

So high thought that we could touch stars

We had an earphone each, yeah, listenin' to hip-hop, saying your life's so much better in flip-flops

Got my heart like a postcard, always wishin' you were here

Under sunsets and full moons, I'll be waiting here for you, my love

[probskay]

pride month post about being a queer author online

yo. hey. i’m just my narratives. really, my name is kay and i’m an author.

when i first set to writing posts on this tumblr instead of just letting wordpress go buckwild and upload links to my website, i decided i was going to remain incredibly anonymous and androgynous. of course, this info about me that i’m going to reveal isn’t really that hard to find if you look on other platforms (like, i don’t know, the about page on my website) but figured that no one would look on other social medias because, well, why leave the one you’re comfy with? as long as i didn’t speak about myself too much, you wouldn’t be able to glean anything from me about my identity.

some amount of that anonymity still appeals to me. i don’t really come to tumblr to interact with people as much as i do to lurk and see the posts from the 2-3 people i follow who are active, and sometimes post stories. i guess now i’m also posting personal essays. anyway, the idea of no one knowing me by anything besides a strange blog where stories are posted felt attractive. i realise now that i’m doing myself and you a disservice.

so i’m kay. i’m an ace/aro nonbinary lesbian. i use they/them pronouns. i’ve done a fucking lot of figuring myself out to come to that wacky combination of labels, so i’d appreciate if no one tried to talk shit on me while i’m just tryna vibe.

anyway, i’m a super queer author. i��m on at least 7 layers of queer, and i write stories a lot. i’ve been trying to work on a book for some years now, but finding the motivation for longer form fiction is hard. worse yet, finding other nonbinary writers as peers is hard online, because our posts to external websites are buried by algorithms, and if we post directly to the platforms our posts are so long that we often get ignored and scrolled past. the internet likes pictures, not walls of text lol.

anyway, I think i’m rambling because i’m sleepy. i just wanted to let y’all know that there really is a person behind the screen, and this person is full of Thoughts and Identity. hope that seeing me helps you understand that I am queer representation in the field of writing, especially horror writing. i hope it inspires you, if it can.

anyway, shout out to my 2-3 dedicated readers of these posts. y’all are cool af even if i’m pretty sure one of you uses multiple blogs to follow me lmao. shout out to you still

[peachymhaechan]

“That’s new.”

Genre: fluff, soulmate au

Warning: language is that of a sailor’s

A/N: this is the second in the lil soulmate au series i’m writing this summer!! ten is one of my main bias wreckers (let’s be real tho- i’m a damn thot and all of nct attacks me on the daily) and this kiLLED ME. hope you enjoy!!

everyone has different soulmate quirks

your best friend only saw black and white until she met her s/o, then she saw the world in color

your parents had what you called the High School Musical quirk, where when one got a song stuck in their head, the other got the same song stuck in their head

all of your friends had these really cool and cute quirks

meanwhile, yours was.... odd to say the least

your quirk happened to be piercings

you just,,, got a piercing out of the blue

whoever your soulmate was, he or she loved body modifications

whenever your s/o would get a piercing, you’d get the same piercing

weird, but that was your life, man

the first time it happened was An Experience

imagine: you chilling in class, listening to a boring ass lecture, 

when you feel a sting in your ear 

and you reach up to see what the dealio is

and ?? you feel an earring ?? and blood ?? uhhhhhhhhh

nobody is paying attention to you so you just,, sat in the back of the class in a mini panic like ?? ! what the fuck !! what the complete fuck just happened !! 

finally, a tiny bit of blood dripped onto your desk and you were like // gotta blast // and done straight up bolted

you ran to the bathroom and found that you did, indeed, have a random ass piercing in your cartilage

“cool but what in The Complete Fuck”

so you took a picture of it just to prove to your friends that you weren’t insane

and then took it out and that was the end of it, right?

wrong

this bitch wrong. yeet! 

three days later, after you had forgotten about the mystery that was your lil piercing, it came back

except that time, you were at family dinner

you were chowing down when you felt it again

“-and then I got stuck in traffic on the way to work, and.... is your ear bleeding?” 

you felt your ear and sure enough, there was an earring and your ear had that tingly numb feeling any time you get a piercing

“is there an earring there?” you asked, already knowing the answer

“Y/N what the hell?”

you didn't know any more than your parents did so you shrugged in a what-can-ya-do? way

“It happened a couple of days ago in class but I didn't think anything of it, so I took the earring out and, well.... it came back, I guess.” 

“Hon, I’d hate to break it to you, but I think that is your quirk,” your dad said, to which you thought ???

??

hol up, this don’t add up 

it really did tho and you were just being a dumb thot oof

don't worry, i’m a dumb thot, too

“I mean.... okay, I guess.... sounds fake, but..... whatever.....” 

and lo and behold, you kept getting piercings

it’d be at the most random (and inconvenient) times

taking a final? that sucks man, it’d be a shame if someone //got some body modifications done//

at a funeral? shit bitch, you ain’t special, get some work done on your lobe at the viewing

tryna take a phat nap? tough luck, you won’t be able to sleep on your side for another week bc your soulmate was a grade A asshat

you had no idea who your soulmate was, but you did know that they had good taste in piercings

little did you know, he thought the same thing

there were a few occasions where he would be in dance practice and would have to stop bc?? ow ?? new earring?? 

but also,,, you’d be a dick back to him and would get piercings at ungodly hours of the night

let’s just say... you quickly became an expert on how to safely and cleanly give piercings

you, at four in the damn morning: this is for getting one done when I was in the middle of a presentation worth 40% of my final grade, you nasty thot

SM started promotions for their new group called NCT U

all of your friends became obsessed with the group and you were strung along with them

when the music video for The Seventh Sense was released, you found yourself drawn to one member in particular

his name was Ten and holy shit

that boy could dance

you immediately chose him as your bias and you thought, “okay, this is nice, but also the end of it.” 

wrong again!!

your friends (who were amazing, btw) managed to score tickets to a meet and greet the boys were having

the couple of weeks beforehand, you were getting ready okay

mentally preparing, like //holy shit, dawg//

then the day came

you woke up and looked in the mirror and thought, “My ear is looking a little boring. I have some space right there, might as well fill it.” 

so, you being you, picked up your needle (DISINFECTED, OF COURSE!! In this house we SAFELY give ourselves body modifications!!) and went to town

ngl you were feeling yourself, lookin all cute or whateva with that new sassy piercing you had going on

it wasn’t too over the top but it was enough for you to feel like you were going to walk in the building, get swarmed by paparazzi, and shut the place down

you know the feeling^^

the time for the meet n greet rolls around

you were incredibly nervous

I mean, hello?? meeting ten?? scary shit, dude

you got in line and met all of the other members first

damn sm had to put him on the very end smh

but when you got there

oh man

you were suuuuuuper fuckin nervous dawg

full on shaking, blushing,,,, a whole ass mess

he grabbed your hand and gave you that reassuring smile of his (you know the one) 

“Are you nervous?” he asked, chuckling a little bit

Him on the outside: confident

Him on the inside: panicked, omg the person standing in front of me is so beautiful, they’re literally quaking omg how do I calm them down

“Just a little,” you sheepishly told him, not even trying to hide it

He took both of your hands and interlaced your fingers and

holy shit

your hands fit perfectly together?? 

uhhhhhhh did somebody say #meanttobe?? 

you guys talked for a bit 

it was mainly just you telling him like

hey i’m a big fan!! I really love you, very much!! your dancing is actually beautiful and it’s inspiring to see someone who is so passionate at what they love doing just that, doing what they love!! 

and the whole time he sat there and went full damn uwu

he thought, “I can sit here all day and listen to them talk.” 

but unfortunately the meet and greet couldn’t last forever :(

just as you were about to go, you noticed something, though

his piercings were

different??

you had seen pictures of the boy from the day before and something was,,,,, off

you finally realized what it was, tho

“That’s new,” you said, pointing to the earring that just,,, popped up overnight

the piercings you had were the exact same

“Hey, if you don’t mind me asking.... when did you get that one done?” you asked, and you saw something in his eyes click

“It popped up this morning...… Why?” he answered, secretly hoping You Were The One

lucky for him :)

you touched your own ear 

“Because I gave myself this piercing this morning...”

something in his eyes told you that he knew

he knew that you were his soulmate

his heart was beating so fast

he dropped his fake flirting persona immediately bc ya know

why would he want to be like that with the person he’d spend the rest of his life with ??

ten leaned in close and whispered, “write your phone number down.” 

homeboy decided to shoot his shot!!

it worked, bc you quickly scribbled down your number on a piece of paper and handed it to him

the meet and greet couldn’t last forever tho and before you knew it, the staff were forcing you to leave

before you left, ten gave your hand one last squeeze and you were rushed away:(

you left feeling very ?.!

before you went to bed that night (not that you were going to bc hello?? that shit seriously happened today!!)

you got a text from an unknown number

“hey, this is ten! just wanted to say hi and that i’m glad I got to finally meet my soulmate!! also- sorry sm forces us both to get so many piercings all the time lol” 

your heart was beating out of your chest

full uwu bitch

bc yes !! 

you were ecstatic to finally meet your soulmate, the person you would spend the rest of your life with

and you were ecstatic to meet the boy with the beautiful piercings

[cooper-draws]

I had this idea to draw Cooper in a different outfit for the Spring/Summer so i made a Sun Bun! :3

This outfit (in this case a white tank top w/ a loose blue shirt w/ black capris pants) was heavily inspired by an outfit worn by Anna in “When Marine Was There”, I’m sure if you’ve seen that movie you can see the resemblance.

I thought he would look cute in an outfit like that so I drew him in it & decided this is his outfit for when a long-sleeved shirt under a short-sleeved shirt with long black jeans isn’t weather appropriate.

ANYWAY this drawing took forever but thanks for your patience! This will probably be the last drawing I do just digitally, I find if I sketch out my drawings on paper first things go a lot quicker so I’ll probably be doing that from now on until I get a new tablet.

Mod Commentary under the break!

for the record i’ve never actually seen “When Marine Was There” BUT I PLAN TO but anyway the straps may have been a bra in that movie? here they’re from a tanktop, i just couldn’t find a way to comfortably show it other than the straps without it looking weird (i tried to have the bottom of it sticking out from under the shirt but it just didn’t look right so i just stuck with the straps). i don’t particularly care if it looks like a bra i just thought the outfit in general was cute and the straps were a part of that but for the record cooper doesn’t have boobs so it’s a tanktop and not a bra js (in retrospect i probably should’ve added more to the upper exposed chest area but i think that would’ve just made it look more like a bra so it’s whatever, the important part was the straps).

THIS TOOK AN ETERNITY cuz yea this was another one i drew 100% digitally while the last thing i drew (cooper saying good morning to cristabelle) was a drawing that i drew in my sketchbook first and i finished it that night (although it didn’t have color that was a stylistic choice because the art it was in response to wasn’t colored either) but i definitely could’ve colored it if i’d felt like it, that’s usually the easiest part

there were definitely some issues regarding cooper’s white fur parts, especially on his hands ;w; but i never like to get stuck on those things, all i really want to do/tell myself is to do better next time.

i did make an effort to make his paw beans more 3d this time around instead of just circles and i think they’re good for the most part! i changed the shape of his palm bean to something more like i’ve been meaning to draw instead of what i’ve been drawing which was more of a compromise since i didn’t actually know how to draw the palm bean that well yet

it only occurred to me in this drawing that i can move his whiskers wherever so while the whisker on your left isn’t perfectly aligned with the whiskers on the right, i feel like that’s okay because whiskers are things that you can move so he has his right (your left) ones up a little bit because before the top whisker lined up right with the tips of his fingers and it looked really weird, and the 2nd one intersected the lines of a bean (the thumb bean i think?) so moving them also fixed that

i also had the idea to make his shirt a little more loose at the bottom, like have it flowing in the wind or something but i decided against it because i wanted this to be more of a static pose and also because it looks more like his shirt actually fits him, if i wanted to i probably could’ve made it hang a little bit but ultimately i think it just would’ve looked strange so i didn’t do it at all

WHILE THESE DO HAVE AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO MY AVATARS I PROMISE I DIDN’T TRACE ANYTHING I’VE JUST GOT THIS SHIT DOWN TO A SCIENCE AT THIS POINT or just muscle memory i guess, i just draw & put things where i feel they fit correctly and it all ends up looking the same so i guess that’s just how it is, i’ll try to experiment with more varied head shapes and stuff in my sketchbook probably

there was also a point where his left shoulder looked too skinny and that’s because i had no sense of how shirts worked (how the fabric hangs when you have your arm out like that) so i did actually end up fixing that and it looks a lot better now so that’s cool

i like this one mainly because i got to draw cooper without so much stuff covering his arms & legs, and i got to show off a little bit of his chest which has a white pattern that goes all the way down to the bottom of his tummy (we don’t see that here but i’m js that’s what it looks like)

i like this pose too much lol even tho i’ve only drawn it twice (once with sofia & once right here) but idk just every time i think about drawing a character i imagine them in this pose, especially his left hand, i keep doing that cuz idk i think it’s cute and i’m tryna keep my characters’ hands out from behind their back so that’s just kinda what i default to (also so it doesn’t cover any of their clothing which i like to show off)

i made the sunglasses version last-minute because i got the idea for it when i drew the “sun bun” with sunglasses i was like hm... we can’t NOT have cooper also wearing sunglasses just like the bun on his shirt so i did a quick one of that too, please ignore how the sunglasses have no temples just assume they fit on his face perfectly, no more questions, i’m really bad at perspective atm so i think they’d look really weird also his ears aren’t down there so what would they even be holding on to there’s no point

ALSO HAVING THIS SHIRT SAY “SUN BUN” INSTEAD OF “FUN BUN” BECAUSE IT’S HIS SPRING/SUMMER SHIRT WAS LITERALLY LIKE THE ONLY THING I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE WHOLE TIME I WAS DRAWING THIS BESIDES THE BUN ALSO WEARING SUNGLASSES ASLDKFJLASJOISEJKL

at some point i was debating on whether or not to make the tank top gray like the cuffs of his pants in this case, but it felt like not only was he wearing overalls or something but also that there was too much of that one color on him so i decided to keep it white just to mix things up and not have it blend in so much with the rest of his colors, especially since with color it looked like something i didn’t want it to (overalls)

i think this took so long because i hadn’t drawn a full-body of cooper with the new method i use to draw legs yet so i kept trying to get his butt to form into his legs correctly without making him look too skinny and eventually i got it right (this is why i want to sketch things out before i digitize them so i have more control over my lines, it took so long because it had to be one perfect stroke otherwise it would look bad, drawing that out on paper first would fix that because on paper i have 100% control over where my lines go unlike in SAI where they often like to flip all over the fuckken place)

but yea i definitely don’t have drawing paws down, especially not at angles, but y’know small steps, like i said i try not to get stuck on stuff like that, if it looks good enough i just move on and do better next time

TO THAT END I SHOULD PROBABLY GIVE MY CHARACTERS KNEES/KNEECAPS AT SOME POINT I JUST GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT NOT LOOK WEIRD SLADKJFLSDJFOISDJFLKSEJFOISJEKL

i drew his other foot behind the foreground foot because i didn’t know what else to do with it, but i didn’t want it in the exact same pose so i made it look like he has a little kick in his step which i thought was cute c:

I HAD TO LOOK UP CAPRIS BECAUSE IDK THE MEASUREMENTS THEY’RE LIKE ALL OVER THE FUCKKEN PLACE so basically the length i went for was “not quite shorts, not quite pants” and it looks like capris so they’re good enough lol, at some point they basically looked like rolled up jeans which isn’t what capris are so i made the ends look more like cuffs instead of rolled-up pant legs

ALSO at some point i had his shirt fold over his shoulders a lot like moria’s shirt, and while it looked okay i didn’t want to do that twice and i also wanted it to look more like Anna’s outfit from the movie so i looked back at the gif i had saved and redrew that to look closer to Anna’s outfit like i wanted

the background used to be a blue gradient and i was going to put the sun there but all-in-all it just looked bad so i kept the blue gradient and shoved the “hue” slider all the way to the right and it gave me this cool like sunset/summer tea color so i added some translucent circles to that and i thought it looked like a summer drink in the background so i liked that and kept it

his sleeves look kinda uneven but i assume it’s just the different angles they’re at so i didn’t really bother trying to fix those, also i didn’t know any way to draw the paw beans on his left hand without them looking weird so i didn’t draw them there either, just assume they’re too flat & don’t stick out that much so that you’d be able to see them from that perspective, same with his feet kinda except they’re facing more away so it makes a little more sense for them

anyway i think that’s it for now, i hope you enjoyed this drawing and hopefully the next one will be quicker! thanks for reading & see y’all next time!<3

[worddonor]

...Aaah ah

"Suit and taaah aah ah!" "Watch out fa mee, I'm aboouuut to glow-oh..." Tired. Tired of being a naai. Tired of living like a weak piece of k#k. Tired of swallowing my hopes and dreams and giving in to a st attitude of laziness and listlessness and fear and anxiety and f#*+ing depression (forgive my foul mouth Lord, they need to feel my frustration). No man. Jesus didn't bleed out on a wooden cross so I can wish and wish and wish, blatantly ignoring the grace and power he bestowed upon me and every single person on Earth to possess. If we just listened to Him, His Word and took possession of our destinies, of our own unique personas: who we were MADE to be, we'd be changing the world...not fudging looking at the next man to try and do what he's doing or the next lady to duplicate her path and then getting sad because we could never achieve the greatness they do no matter what we do. Of course we couldn't do that as well as the person we're eyeing: why!? Because you're an eye and that person is a hand. Finish and kla. An eye can't hold a hammer, it can look hard at that hammer and wish it could fling it around but it can't. What it CAN do is make sure that hand knows where the fudge it should be hammering otherwise it's swinging in no man's land moering everything in range except for its intended target. What good is that? How many times must this story be told before it hits home?? I should take my own damn advice, for fudge-sake. I've been doing this my entire life, you'd think I'd get it by now, but usually relationships are formed through things we have in common or can all relate to. This usually means aligning with people who have the same interests and joining a group or keeping up with a particular crowd to feel that 'deep' sense of connection we NEED to ignite those explosions of tangible 'happiness' or contentment...to feel loved (or what we think is love)...to feel like we belong to something/someone...to feel like we matter at all. We're humans man. Sometimes we just want to be part of a tribe - it feels good, it's comforting. It's good to follow positive influences, but if following a path or people comes at the expense of our individuality, principles and unique gifts for the purpose of fitting in: it's destructive and drives us away from purpose and the paths and people we should be following. We were not made to live as silos or islands alone, even I get a buzz from having a stimulating chat with folk. You instantly feel better about life, especially about whatever struggles you're facing internally or your circumstances at home etc. It brings perspective and genuine joy. Why don't we look to who made us and ask Him for guidance? My whole life I've been comparing and writing basically full-on essays about other people, their strengths compared to my myriad weaknesses...comparing myself to John, comparing myself to Jill, beating myself up, hating myself because I could never be as confident or as cool or as athletic or dance as good or be as quick-witted or work as fast, or work as cleanly and as beautifully with my hands or make friends as easily as John or Jill. I could never be as sure of myself as them or as content with my personality, not even my strengths let alone my quirks and weaknesses. I still don't understand my strengths - only God can show me what I'm good at so I'm going to try listen and see what he says, say what you will if you think I'm a mal naai - I probably am. What has this mal naai got to lose in any case seeing as I'm basically talking to myself on this piece of twak blog. I actually enjoy reading other people's daily entries, even if it's mundane crap, I don't know why - I love people's stories and getting to know their weird and wonderful perspectives yet making small talk in person is like climbing Mount blady Everest for a man, goodness. I make too many excuses, stuff that noise. I must make a greater effort, so what if I'm shit - I have to keep falling on my face until one day when I make that step and it's glorious; absolutely fudging spectacular and nothing but winning follows thereafter - I can pat myself on the back for a job well conquered. Going to Vegas and riding around with my cousin having experienced the life he's built for himself overseas inspired me: I had never felt so free and so full of positivity as the time spent with him. Goodness. Plus he actually enjoys my writing, the poetry or the prose or whatever else - he enjoys it and can't wait for me to write more. That in itself is enough to keep me going as he is someone I admire a great deal (we've come a long way), it helps me get up in the morning I won't lie. BTW did I mention that I prayed out loud (medium volume levels, lol) in a small group at church yesterday?? Sounds like nothing, but you cannot believe how intimidating it is for me to speak at ALL with anyone other than family especially in prayer - even though it was just my mother and another church member (albeit someone we all know well, he has quite a strong personality and is deeply knowledgeable of the Word [is that correct English?], academically inclined, works out so has a decent physical frame [it matters bru] and not afraid to share his views about anything, definitely no push over). I held my own although I fluffed a bit when I hit a wall towards the end of the prayer there, but I was proud of myself - me, proud of something I did? Is the sky falling? Are we all gonna burst into flames on New Year's Eve?? Yes, I was pleased that I didn't wuss out like I always do. I manned the fudge up and went for it despite stammering and all that jazz. Of course God knows I'm capable of much more - I limit myself, so it probably wasn't much for Him. I have prayed before, but it's been years since I've been in that setting and felt confident enough to add my two cent-chees there. Anyway, coming back to today...yesterday may have contributed to why I was so upset today at the end of the day...I felt like I was slow because there were tasks I couldn't complete that I tried to make and time ran out...I knew for a fact my colleagues would have finished what they needed to on time...even walking out the door I felt like I was unable to keep up with them without sweating a bit by trying to move faster...I just felt stupid, I know making any decision is kak-hard for me to do fast if at all so I have always felt like I was holding everyone up and still feel like this. This includes holding myself up which is keeping me from moving forward. It's terrible. The last thing I want to do is make people wait, because I hate waiting as much as the next person, but shit man I'm such a damn slow poke. My head keeps wheel-spinning and getting nowhere. Ai. I love looking at the sky though and the clouds and at details of things around me and at people and their quirks and habits, especially their body language...it's soo interesting, I could people-watch for daayyyzzz bru. I enjoy reading so much too...Just tryna figure us out... Anyway, as of recently, for the first time in my Life, my WHOLE LIFE, I can sense my purpose taking shape, I feel a peace that I've NEVER felt before, NEVER! The Holy Spirit is speaking to me and guiding me and it's being proven to me each and every day I take a step of faith [note: a STEP!], words from different sources (twitter, the Bible, Facebook, my dreams, Youtube videos [Prince Ea whaddup!], the books I'm reading, the things I watch on TV): ALL of it. When I act in faith, another little door opens. When I shimmy a tad forward, another window opens and so it goes. I'm enjoying this...like the Bible says in more eloquent terms though, 'Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.' (Psalm 119:105) - just a lamp, not full daylight, just enough to keep me going forward and to keep me holding on to it, to keep me looking into it for for further guidance as I take my next step in the dark. For the first time in my 30 years in existence, I've felt a weight lift from my shoulders regarding purpose. The Lord said he's got my back, so I'm just going to keep taking life one step at a time (my mother also said this the other day...one day at a time - I was frustrated then too, but it's a good strategy, my previous methods haven't worked so it's time I try this.). Who knows what I'll be doing next, where I'll be doing it and with whom :). Peace people. P.S. Las Vegas was phenomenal and I was treated like a king at the fam's home. The US is a beautiful place (saw the Grand Canyon, went wild at Six Flags Magic Mountain and even made it through to Venice Beach :D - my favourite place if I must be honest), I'll definitely be back soon.

[shawnbemerciful-blog]

A Rose for You

A/N: I got really inspired by Shawn’s performance of Roses in Glasgow, and I decided to write my own version of Roses. Hope you like it! Also, Shawn released a snippet of a song that hasn’t been released yet, and I added it to this story. I took the lyrics to the song from here.

Shawn's POV 

"Look here!" "Over here!" "Shawn!"

There are so many flashing cameras that it's almost impossible to keep your eyes open. The red carpet for this awards show moves a lot quicker than the ones I'm used to, and usually that's a good thing. Unless I want to see someone arrive. And I do. 

"Over here!" "Jesse!"

And she's here.

"Danny! Look here!"

So is he.

She comes onto the carpet in a long, tight, purple dress. It flares a little bit on the bottom, but I can still see her black heels. Her wavy hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and her makeup is simple yet elegant. She's so beautiful that I can almost forget about the boy standing next to her. Almost.

Just because I try to forget him doesn't mean he's not there. 

"Shawn!" The lights keep flashing. I keep smiling.

Can they see what I'm feeling? Does the flash see something she doesn't see?

“Shawn!”

Maybe.

Jesse's POV

(a month ago, in the studio)

I was shaking. Gosh, I was nervous. 

They asked me to do the backup vocals for one of the songs on his upcoming album. His album. Shawn Mendes' third album. I still couldn’t believe it,

I guess that's the benefit of being on the same label. As a new artist, I wouldn't be considered a featured on the song. Just a couple "oooh's" and harmonizing. Then I'd be out of the studio. Nothing too big. It'll all take a moment.

"Hey, how you doing?" The producer says to me. I introduced myself to the music engineer and then stepped into the sound booth. After a couple tries of recording my harmonies, I realized there was nothing to be nervous about. I stepped out to listen to the track.

"It sounds nice with her harmonizing." I turn quickly and see he's walked into the room part way during the track. My nerves come rushing back.

"Hi!" I say a bit too loudly that even Shawn jumps. "I'm Jesse," I say a bit softer. He laughs. "I know." He opens his arms, and it takes me a couple seconds to realize he wants to hug. We hug momentarily, and I step back and realize how awkward I'm acting. The producer and engineer are quietly chatting to themselves as Shawn and I keep listening to the track. 

So if she decides to show up

Tell her I’m not waiting no more

And I don’t know who I'm looking for

But if she comes your way

Tell her I'm not taking, ohh

“What?" He says when he heard me chuckle. 

"Nothing nothi--well," I change my mind, "this song just reminds me of someone."

"Oh yeah?" he's intrigued now.

I hesitate for a moment and wonder whether this was a good idea or not, but for some reason, I felt comfortable. "In college, I used to date this boy who said he liked me, but then he never wanted to be official. He said he just wanted fun, and he wasn’t sure he liked me. I poured all my energy and love into someone who didn’t want it. I was waiting for him to love me. The minute I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, he said he loved me. He kept texting me saying he felt something, but I didn’t believe him. It felt like a game. I told my roommate if he knocked on our dorm room to tell him to leave," I paused and then sang, "tell him I'm not taking." Shawn gave me a genuine smile after that. 

"You know I hear things like that, and I remember I'm not alone in this. They're different experiences but they're also very similar at the same time, you know?"

"We have similar experiences,” I repeat. “That just proves assholes are everywhere." We laugh. "But honestly it can be hard to trust someone after relationships like that.” I continue.

"Those are the risks we have to take. You can either find someone you love or find someone who hurts you.” Shawn pauses. “It sounds somewhat awful.” 

"I don’t think so," I said, "it sounds beautiful. We don’t get many chances to take risks like that. How can I say no when the reward could be so great?"

Shawn turns to look at me, and I return his gaze. I forgot where we were, and for a moment I felt something click between the two of us.

"Should I always risk it even if I’m almost doomed to fail?" Shawn almost whispers.

Without breaking his gaze, I said, "yes always. Always. We can’t live carefully."

We smile at each other.

(present - at the red carpet)

I come with my boyfriend. He tells me I look beautiful. I say thank you.

I see farther down the carpet that Shawn's here and is looking in my direction. He makes quick eye contact and then focuses on the cameras in front him.

His eyes say everything without uttering a single word. You look beautiful. Shawn made me feel beautiful just with his eyes. He’s always tried to tell me. Through all the dinners we've gone to, all the movies we've watched, all the studio sessions, all the time we've spent in the last month or so. Now I believe him. I can't tell him.

I wish I could.

•••

I walk off the stage after performing my song, and I felt so energized that I couldn’t even focus on all the people saying congrats to me. Until one person. 

"That was incredible!" He says to me. "Absolutely amazing."

"Thank you, Shawn, it means a lot to hear that from you." He lingers on my eyes for a bit longer, not saying anything until I hear his name being called from the stage crew. He goes on soon.

"Before I go, I just wanted to give you this." I realized he had a hand behind his back, and he suddenly reveals what he had.

"A rose?" I say.

"Yes," he says shyly. "For you."

"Oh! Thank you." I sniff it, and it had a beautiful, sweet aroma. I looked up at Shawn again and said a little quieter, "thank you."

He inhaled and gave a shuttered exhale. "You're welcome."

•••

It’s not that I'm afraid I’m not enough for her

Shawn's up now. He's performing one of his lesser known songs but I can hear all the hardcore fans screaming

It's not that I can’t find the words to say

I fell Danny slide his hand into mine. He interlocks our fingers.

But when she’s with him she seems happier

Why didn’t I go for Danny's hand first? Why is he always the one making the moves?

And I don’t wanna take that away

And why did Shawn give me that rose? Is there a reason?

I'm not tryna start a fire with this flame

Do I want there to be a reason?

But I’m worried that your heart might feel the same

Oh yikes isn't this song called roses?

And I have to be honest with you baby

It is.

Tell me if I’m wrong and this is crazy

He gave me a rose right before singing this. 

But I got you this rose and I need to know

I can feel the rose's perfume on my fingers. I wonder if Danny can smell it.

Will you like it die or let it grow

Shawn finds me in the audience and looks right at me.

"Die or let it grow?" He turns away from me.

I knew the answer

•••

Shawn's POV

I couldn't go to the after party because I couldn't see her. With him. There. I admit it to myself. I can't stand her being with him because it’s not right. The look she gave me when I was singing Roses started a fire within me. A full blown fire.

It's not a flame anymore.

I'm sitting on the edge of my bed thinking about the two of them. At the after party. They're probably dancing with each other. I know how much she likes to dance. She loves ballads. She loves dancing to them. Does she love dancing to ballads with Danny? I don't want to know. I can’t know because it’ll kill me. I'm consumed with anger at the thought of his hands on hers that I almost didn’t hear the knock at my hotel door. I get up to put on a shirt and then open the door. And there she is. With the rose in her hand. Looking straight at me with a determined look in her eyes.

Jesse’s POV

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Shawn stutters.

I smile. "What do you think?"

I can see his whole body shudder.

"I'm not sure what I think," he says. "Where's Danny?"

"I broke up with him. There's nothing. Between us. Anymore."

Shawn stays silent.

"It's over," I say. "I want you." I hold up the rose. "I want this."

Shawn looks down at the floor and still stays silent. "Well?" He looks up, and I start to worry that maybe I'd been reading the signs wrong. Maybe he’s just super nice. Maybe... I should go. I turn to leave but then he grasps my arm, not aggressively but enough so I stop.

“Don't go anywhere." He said, then hooks his finger through one of my belt loops and pulled me into the room. "You already know what I want," he says as I drop the rose and lean in for a kiss.

And that little rose perfumed the entire hotel room for the whole night.

[brianthelyin]

Ayyyeeeee oh oh oh ayyyeeeee oh oh oh

I’ve deactivated all my social media accounts for an undetermined amount of time

But I could never deactivate this one...

This has always felt like a world apart from all the others and I’ve always been able to find peace, inspiration and confidence in the posts I see

yall some sad creatures like me just tryna find a little happiness 😊

I also find it great that I have a small group of friends that do know my tumblr and can check in on me if need be.

To all of you friends that do follow me:

what it do,swine flu?

Love you guys, love this site, fuck all the other ones.

(At this point my thumbs are just typing what comes to mind)

My 28th lap around the sun started off rough as fuck. People fucked me over, I was fucked up in the hospital, things were fucked up all around me. My closest friends were/still are not being treated appropriately by their significants Just a bunch of negativity in and all around me it seemed

I told myself I want to make a lot of heavy changes ASAP and take back all the happiness goofiness but most importantly my confidence.

Ask my friends, I used to be soooo happy; a great light of optimism

Then life happens and it kicks you down a few notches and next thing you know you find yourself comfortable laying in the dirt at the bottom of your mind thinking “climbing up looks like too much work” especially when you got things down there to numb the feelings.

So I basically had to make a decision on whether I would kill my self or climb out.

Killing myself seemed like the easy choice. “Get really drunk and really high, then go find a cliff to accidentally fall off”

Had the spot picked out and everyTHAAAANG

But unfortunately I’m a people pleaser 😒 (one of the things I plan on fixing)

I didn’t want people talking shit about me. how I was weak and selfish (took some convincing) or impatient and lazy. (I convinced myself)

Ended up complaining about how I wish I could kill myself but I have too many responsibilities 😩

Maybe later on when my plate isn’t so full.

So if I wasn’t going to die, I guess the only other option is living right?

And since I’m indirectly forced to stay awake, my compromise is that it better be enjoyable.

(Mind you this is all a relatively new thought process for me)

I’ve been asking myself everyday what I want and #whatthefuck that’s a hard question.

I have no fucking clue what I want.

I figured I would start with the basics.

Do I like my location?

Answer: “Ehh, Its okay, could be better.”

Do I enjoy what I do for work?

Answer: “Ehh, it’s tolerable but unfulfilling”

Do I enjoy the people I surround myself with?

Answer: “I don’t surround myself with anyone”

How’s my diet?

Answer: “LMAO”

How do I look?

Answer “I don’t look, like, at all”

(MOST IMPORTANTLY)

How do I feeeeeeeel???

Answer: “😔”

((((((((((((((((Fast forward a bit))))))))))))))))))

Tomorrow I move into my new apartment, it’s nothing fancy but it’s ALL FUCKING MINE and I couldn’t be happier with the location

My last day at my job is next Wednesday and I’m excited for what’s on the horizon

I recently joined an activity group of 8k+ members that are like me! Awkward as fuck and don’t know how to make friend either 😁

I’m maintaining a healthy diet, learning new recipes, cooking creatively, portion control and figuring out the whole ‘meal prep” thing too

Once I’m settled into my new place I plan on finding a local fitness club to get rid of my dad bod

(AND MOST IMPORTANTLY)

I feeeeeeeeel hopeful.

I feel motivated.

I feel determined.

I feel confident.

I feel like for the past 4 years I’ve been living for other people while hoping to die but I’m FINALLY living for myself

I’m rediscovering my strengths and weaknesses, pros and cons and who/what I want to focus my energy on.

It feels good

And to think, I could be dead right now.

[allbaymusic]

Oni Montana

ABM: What is your Rap name? Tell us the story behind your hip-hop name? Oni Montana: Oni Montana and Oni The One & Only, I have two names because I have 2 personalities as a rapper. Oni Montana is my rap name, when I’m spitting real bars and talkin that shit. My uncle KT The Boss actually gave me that name around the time Future came out with “Tony Montana” So I jus ran with it. I use the Tony Montana thang in reference to the dope music I make because ima “Dope rhyme dealer” like Mac Dre use to say. While Oni The One & Only is when I’m singing and harmonizing with the auto tune on my R&P shit not R&B lol basically for the women/Bitchs because there is a difference. ABM: Has anything happened in your life that led to the decision of becoming a musician? Oni Montana: I had this same vision in my head ever since middle school that I would be a rapper. I always knew it was apart of my plan. I actually was selling and recording my own mixtapes In middle school, recording off my nighas dads turntables in a garage rappin off of instrumentals. I use to rap battle kids in the school house and I always turned heads and surprised people when I opened my mouth because growing up I was hella quiet but not when it was my turn to rap. I always knew this is what I wanted to do. But back in 2008 when my older brother died I told myself I would make it for him because he was one of my number one fans and he really believed in me when it came to music so I made a promise to myself and him that ima stick to this music no matter what. I’m determined to make it it’s Destiny for me. ABM: How did you get your start in the hip hop scene? Oni Montana: Been rappin since middle school like I said. Selling my mixtapes and hella shit at the school house burning it off the homies computer. But I got influenced at a very early age because of all the musical talent in my family. My uncles was the Booya Tribe so they one of my many inspirations and one of the true pioneers of West Coast Hip Hop and Polynesian artists. Growing up seeing them just made me believe I could do it. First real studio I went to was with my uncle R Cade and uncle H mob of Uce Duce. I use to ride around with them while they would bust they moves and pick up they CDs basically jus soaking up game about the independent rap game that was going on in the Bay Area. In high school my uncle Swann FREE UNKS by the way, use to come pick me up from my papa house in West Pittsburg and take me to SwampKats studio in Concord and I jus sit down and soak up more game. Fast forward to 2015 my cousin Stone P got released out of prison and we been pushing this Thizz Island shit ever since. Got the blessing from the cuddie and we just been rocking really tryna push this movement and put on for our people S/O my nigha Diggs by the way ABM: Where are you from, and what was it like growing up there? Oni Montana: I’m from Pittsburg California in the east bay. I’m from a small town but we not small minded. I feel like we was different from other places we have our own way we talk, how we carry ourselves, the way we dress. We was saying BRO and use to get made fun of for it now look everybody says it now lol so basically we trend setters and way ahead of our time. We jus fly and peezy and got a whole bunch of game about us. It’s a lot of crime and poverty in my city but I’m hoping to change that and bring something positive back to my city and it will all start with the music . We real family oriented everybody know each other so although it’s a lot of hate it’s a lot of love too but they say life is all about balance. One thing about my city is growing up we had a huge music scene it was litt we had the Ghetto Stars, Mob Figaz, and A-wax. I use to see signs full of stickers with my favorite rappers on it. My cousin Noah and Tau put me on all the new music so I just had a sense of pride being from Pittsburg, especially with all the dope music that came from my city. So I just knew one day I was gonna be one of them nighas when I got older. ABM: What do you typically rap about? Oni Montana: Anything that’s on my mind when I hear the beat. I make mood music, so however I feel at the time is what I’m finna rap about. I try to express myself as much as possible thru my music and I’ll hit every subject because your emotions are subject to change. So I feel I’m very versatile when it’s come to my songs because of all the different feelings, emotions, pain and happiness, all that I have endured in life is all a reflection of my music. I like to harmonize and fuck with the auto tune but I also got real life bars and I actually know how to rap like The Jacka said whatever happen to coming dope? That’s all I’m tryna do is push this dope music and bring some pride back in this rap shit. Word to the Jack. ABM: What are your last full length releases people can go check out right now? Oni Montana: I got the Oral Sex Mixtape hosted by J Diggs. The meaning behind the name of the tape is I’m basically making love to the music orally lol But than I got a tape with my cousin Quad High out the city Called “Plugged in” also I jus recently dropped a new single “No Where” produced by High Volume out of Ohio. I gotta bunch of shit coming tho so stay tuned . We really pushing this Thizz Island and #FlyUcen movement tryna put on for all the polys. ABM: What are you currently working on? Oni Montana: Workin on the Polynesian Prince Album that’s coming real soon. And after that I plan on dropping a EP with my producer High Volume. Me and my lil cousin Samoan Joe gotta project in the works, he out of Pittsburg Cali too. He dope, make sure y’all check him out. I gotta few tracks with ScottieNoPippen one of the most slept on artist out the bay but we def gon turn it up on they ass once they hear this new shit, and I got a island reggae single coming out just in time for summer with my USO Flex that thang going crazy. I ain’t gon lie so I got hella shit in the works, plus a bunch of visuals I’m finna drop. My plan is to just really stay in y’all face this year. Consistency is the key to victory they say, so I’m just tryna be consistent. ABM: Whats your last visual release people can check out, tell us about it. Oni Montana: Latest visual is a track called “No where” produced from my big bro High Volume. We filmed it in Vegas with my nigga Buck The Genius aka White Gold s/o to bro by the way. But we filmed it in Vegas basically jus showing a walk thru of my life from the liquor store to the Vegas strip to the studio. We actually shot some of the footage at a bbq for my big bra ED CAINE like a one year memorial type shit so Rest in Paradise to my bro. He was one of them guys who always told me “Oni you dope nephew, stick to that music shit” like he really would push a nigha and get on me about staying on my music shit and staying out the way. ABM: What is your ultimate goal at the end of your career? Oni Montana: I wanna be able to inspire people with my music. I want to show people that if you can dream it, you can be it. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. I’m trying to set the foundation for all my people. Plant the seed that will grow a tree of opportunities and it will all start with the music than branch off to other things like clothing, get into movies etc Basically opening more doors for Polynesian artist in the entertainment industry. I really want to give back to the people, create jobs, build community centers, buy properties and open up businesses in our communities. I truly believe that this music shit is capable of creating all that and then some. I wanna be like No limit or Cash Money records you know? Follow the same blue print Master P had. Get on my Nipsey shit, You know? Be a mogul and not just a rapper. Feel me? Like the shit 2pac was intending to do, that’s where I know this shit will turn to, GOD willing and I won’t stop until we there. ABM: How can people reach you? Oni Montana: Oni Montana everything Soundcloud: OniMontana IG: OniMontana Snapchat: OniMontana YouTube: OniMontana Read the full article

[musicvideoproduction]

Treatment

Ethical and Legal Considerations:

Consent forms and copyright. therefore I will create or find a consent form to give out to people who will be in or participating in/with the filming/producing of the music video. These people will be getting form that will be asking for permission to participate.

Pitch:

I want this song to relate to my main character. I want this to happen so that the audience will create the tension of being on top of the world and not having to be ashamed

Artist Bio- Lecrae:

Reference of information: www.Lecrae.com/bio

The song Tell the World by Lecrae acts as an anthem to proclaim the word of God to all the people of the world.

The song Tell the World by Lecrae acts as an anthem to proclaim the world of God to all the people of the world. Lecrae relishes his purpose driven in to his creation of music by being inspired by ‘catalyzer’. The meaning of ‘catalyzer’ is going from artist to architect (designer). Lecare announce “I sought influences and collaborators I never imagined I’d have the opportunity to work with. The patient growth process was born out of ‘gumbo’ of more than 50 songs, some to just get off my chest. I don’t know if they were all meant ti be heard but I know they were meant to be written”.

Lyrics of chosen song:

The passage that has been Highlighted in Yellow, I understand that in this hook Mali is talking about to tell the good news for everybody, like Jesus said in the Bible;

“Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.”

Mark 16:15;

When we find Jesus, He makes us completely new and everybody needs to know that. Our mission is shared and this big blessing we received and make other people know and accept him to be brand new.

God new we would face discouragement. He provided for those times by giving us verses like this. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (Romans 15:13). The word motivates us to keep moving forward when our situations seem hopeless. In this verse from the Bible in Romans 15:13 if I relate it to my music video it talks about how the 5 year old boy who will never lose hope and the connection to his dreams from happening in reality.

Joseph knew one day the dream God gave him would become reality. But first, he needed to trust God with no minor detail – he needed to get out of jail. The chief cup-bearer Joseph spoke to in this verse may have forgotten Joseph, but God hadn’t. In His timing, the Lord released Joseph from jail and established him in a place of honor. To connect this to my character shall that will never come true. It means that he will not lose sight of the coming future and the support that he will receive from his parents and his friends.

[Hook – Mali Music:]

Now, I'm a tell the world, tell 'em

I'm a tell it everywhere I go

Tell the world, tell 'em

Yeah, I'm a billboard

Tell the world, tell 'em

And I'm broadcastin' like a radio

Tell the world

You ought to know, I'm brand new

 [Verse 1 – Lecrae:]

I know one thing's true: I don't even really deserve to know you

But I-I'm a witness that you did this, and I'm brand new

So, I-I'm read' to go, and I'm a tell the world what they need to know

A slave to myself, but you let me go, I tried getting high but it left me low

You did what they could never do

You cleaned up my soul and

Gave me life – I'm so brand new

And that's all that matters

I-I ain't love you first but, you first loved me

In my heart I cursed you, but you set me free

I gave you no reason to give me new seasons, to give new life, new breathing

But you hung there bleedin', and ya' died for my lies and my cheatin', my lust and my greed and (Lord!)

What is a man that you mindful of him?

And what do I have to deserve this lovin'?

 [Hook – Mali Music:]

Tryna make the moments last

Holdin' on to the past

But, like a hero in a dream

Christ came, and he rescued me

 Now, I'm a tell the world,

Tell the world, tell 'em

I'm a tell it everywhere I go

Tell the world, tell 'em

Yeah, I'm a billboard

Tell the world, tell 'em

And I'm broadcastin' like a radio

Tell the world

You ought to know, I'm brand new

 [Verse 2 – Lecrae:]

I can't offer you nothin', but your care and kindness keep comin'

And your love is so unconditional, I get butterflies in my stomach

I got the old me in the rearview

Now the new me got a clear view

And I was so dead, I couldn't hear you

Too deep in sin to come near you

But you drew me in, you cleaned me up, so take me home, beam me up

Before you do, just let me tell the truth, and let these folks know that I done seen ya' love

And it's everlasting, infinite, it goes on and on, you can't measure it

Can't quench ya' love, they can't separate us from the love of God, there's no estimate

My face look the same, my frame ain't rearranged, but I'm changed; I promise I ain't the same

Your love's so deep you suffered and took pain, you died on the cross to give me a new name

Ain't nothing like I've seen before, I got a beaming glow

I was low, down, and dirty, but you cleaned me, Lord

You adopted me, you keep rocking me

I'm a tell the world, and ain't nobody stopping me!

 [Hook:]

Tryna make the moments last

Holdin' on to the past

But, like a hero in a dream

Christ came, and he rescued me

 Now, I'm a tell the world,

Tell the world, tell 'em

I'm a tell it everywhere I go

Tell the world, tell 'em

Yeah, I'm a billboard

Tell the world, tell 'em

And I'm broadcastin' like a radio

Tell the world

You ought to know, I'm brand new

 [2 Corinthians 5:17 – Lecrae:]

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,

He is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Yea, I'm brand new

 Now, I'm a tell the world,

Tell the world, tell 'em

I'm a tell it everywhere I go

Tell the world, tell 'em

Yeah, I'm a billboard

Tell the world, tell 'em

And I'm broadcastin' like a radio

Tell the world

You ought to know, I'm brand new

Technical Elements and production visual:

Focus: In times where a character is in deep thought I’ll use the effect of a natural vignette to show a feeling of relaxation and independence. Video camera, Go-Pro (so that we can capture a point of view shot). For my Camera Shots I will include CU (close up), MS (Mid-shot), LS (longshot) etc. through the production I will want to add in a few more camera shots but may be shot that I will not consider using a lot of times during filming hours. By some reason I will want to add some more shots to my music video and if I do I will have to record it in my blog.

“Film shots are an essential aspects of a movies where angles, transitions and cuts are used to further express emotion, ideas and movement. The term “shot” can refer to two different parts of the filmmaking process; In production, a shot is the moment that the camera starts rolling until the moment it stops.”

 Angles:

Wide Angle Shot

This is a get out of jail free card. The subject takes up the full  frame.

Extreme Close Up

The Extreme Close UP gets right in and shows extreme details.

Close Up

A certain feature or part of the subject takes up the whole frame.

Long Shot

When referring to a person, a long shot means they take up almost the  full frame height.

Lighting:

The music video will be shot in black and white in the beginning and also towards the end and then colour will be added in. I will mostly use natural lighting. The reason for this is because using natural lighting will make the shots mush more better, even using flashlights to copy the natural light won’t make a different but it will be easier to use.

Contrast- the film will start off with a relatively well ignited setting in order to show the audience that there is a basic equilibrium (meaning: shows normality and comfort/inciting incidents which will lead to the second phase of the music video) in the beginning. As the equilibrium progress then the lighting dims to present a natural lighting of the surrounding of the main character. Lighting is the connection to the genre of a sporty/ adventure as the black and white fades into colour showing the older version of the main character at the age of five. The lighting will be conventional for a school setting: we are able to dim and brighten the lighting while streaming into the rooms by using natural lighting. As the film is set in some different areas, the idea of day/night is not extract.

 Soundtrack:

In the presence of a Sport/ adventure genre, the music increases the speed I want the audience to have that intention of the music taking with on an adventure. The music adds emotions to a scene and this element changes the environment from a dream fail to an event that will be create from the 5 year olds needs. Music can contribute mood and pace. This is useful when targeting the audience as it gives them Hopes and Support for those in need. My music video will have a well-known Gospel music to young adult and older adults (target audience) a fast base rhythm that beats into your mind to create the intention of the audience putting themselves in the music video.

[scottyunfamous]

My First (and Last) Fitness Rave

Whaddup fancy face!

Let me start by saying how awesome it is to know that you’re all as awkward as me! I thought my last post was going to make me look strange(er than usual), but then everyone was like ‘Omg bitch, same!’, so now I feel less weird about finding hiding places to work out in, in the gym lol. I have a holiday off of work this week and will be attempting the weights room…and all of its horrors *cough* men *cough*.

Two weeks ago my betch, Delia-Rene (Vexy, for my SDTV heads), hit me up to go to a fitness rave. Yes heaux, a whole rave for fitness! She’s embarked on her own fitness journey and previously attended DJ Melody Kane’s, ‘No Kane, No Gain’. After watching it back on her Snapchat I thought, ‘Rah, that’s actually a dope idea’, so when she presented ‘The Night Shift’ to me I was totally up for it…plus early bird tickets were £5, and heaux, until we upgrade from this pre-rich bank account, frugal is life.

The Night Shift’s tagline was, ‘Don’t get drunk, get pumped!’ If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that getting drunk is one of my favourite pastimes…(as is getting pumped…*wink*), so it didn’t light a fire under me right away. Honestly, I kept wondering how much more fun it would be to work out whilst drunk. I tried working out whilst high once, but a side effect of weed is cotton mouth. I was too thirsty to continue so I ended up eating snacks and watching the rest of my Zumba DVD from the comfort of the sofa. T’was a productive day.

Back to the fitness rave.

If you follow me on Snapchat, you already know I go to the gym looking ruff and tuff like carpet fluff (though since the hot new guy has started working in my gym I’ve made an effort to do my hair, and by do my hair I mean secure my wig) but this was a RAVE, which (in Scotty-land) means that extraness was allowed, so I swapped my mash up house clothes for some mesh panel leggings, a fitted top, boxer braids and my regular dick appointment makeup (5 minute makeup for when you wanna make an effort for bae, but not really).

The event was held in the Camden Centre. There was stage with a DJ playing some big tunes, two male trainers and a room full of women of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities, patiently waiting for the inevitable torture to begin, underneath a domed ceiling with a chandelier/disco ball thing and colourful strobe lights.

The smoke machine billowed cooling smoke across the stage, and all I could think was…what about us? Bitch, it was HOT! There wasn’t a lick of air conditioning in there, just two dibby-dibby windows opened wide enough to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ANYBODY, a fan near the front that might as well have been switched off because made no fucking difference, and a bag of bitches with body heat. But I was excited same way, fancy faces. I couldn’t wait to lose this weight in my very first fitness rave.

After doing our obligatory snapping so that Snapchat could see how extra healthy (and generally extra we are), the class began. We placed ourselves towards the back -in the middle so that we’d be less noticeable in the sea of bodies when we skipped the exercises we didn’t want to do, and to make escape easier. These were regular occurrences.

We began with boxercise to soca music. I’m a soca head so I was HERE for it. It’s hard to get tired or fed up when soca music is on (not that it stopped the tiredness altogether, but it helped).  It was like carnival…but not anywhere near as fun. Fun is easily annihilated when you start asking people to do burpees…or any kind of floor work, and bitch, there was floor work galore! Now, I can’t really complain because more time when they asked us to do shit we wasn’t finna do, it either meant that it was time for a fake water break, an option #2 (which is a nice way of saying ‘it looks like that hard ass move you want me to do is working these particular muscles, so I’mma find a lazy ass way to work them without doing what the fuck you told me to do’), or straight up giving each other the ‘seasoned friendship look’ (you know the look, the one that is like you saying 'bitchhhh' without saying it) and not doing it.

At the start, when we didn’t want to do something at all, there were half-assed attempts to make it look like we were trying, just so the trainers wouldn’t notice that much. An example of said attempt was being instructed to do press ups, but instead of actually moving, you just lie on the ground with your hands in position and wait for everyone else to finish so you can reserve the energy you don’t have for the next move.

Stop judging me.

In my defence, for every exercise I did not attempt, I made up for it but dancing inappropriately to the music because carnival is coming and I need to start flexin my ultimate inner heaux. I’m making this sound really bad, like we went there and didn’t do shit lol. We did, I promise lol. By the end of it we were sweating and tired as fuck.

There was a half an hour break before the next section (body conditioning to trap and grime music) began. I’m generally not a huge fan of this kind of music, but even I can admit that it’s actually decent to work out to. It’s mad hype, so in turn, you also get hype. Everything was going well, and by well I mean that there was even more fucking floor work, which I was damn tired of by that point and stopped even trying to make it look like I was attempting it. You know them ones where the trainer walks by and you’re so over it that when they yell out ‘Keep going’ in a general direction (but you know it’s meant for you), you just look them in the face like ‘fight me’?

Two-twos (I’m showing my age…also, why was this ever slang?), one of the girls that was lying on the floor with me while everyone else did push ups earlier, decided to up her viva and attempt the excessive floor work. Next thing you know, the bitch is screaming down the building, laying on the round with a bunch of people around her coz she done fucked around and fucked up her knee. Things were swiftly put on pause as the ambulance was called.

At that point I wondered what any normal person would in that situation… “Does this mean we can go home now?”

Stop judging me.

Bitch, don’t nobody need to work out for 3 mu’uh fuckin’ hours. It is too much. Plus, I was starving. Some (just me, by myself) may even say that I was wasting away to practically nothing!

Naturally, I tried to get Delia’s determined ass to agree to leave, but she was like, “I spent £5 for this shit, bitch. We are staying.” Inside I died a thousand hangry (hungry/angry) deaths, but a part of me was proud and inspired that she was willing to push through and challenge (kill) herself (us), that tenacious slut bucket.

Shit like this is why having a support system on your weight loss  journey is very helpful, because when you wanna give up, there’s always someone nuff enough to force you to keep going.

I’ll admit, her can-do attitude rubbed off on me as the night (regrettably) continued. We were instructed to stand away from the injured girl still lying on the floor (much care, so sensitive), and they moved onto the 90s R&B section to do abs. As we kicked our legs up in the air and squatted down low, I yelled at my friend, with absolutely no shame ‘DO IT FOR THE DICK, BITCH!’ Sometimes you just need to think of how much better in bed exercise will make you. I know this sounds like a joke, but it’s not –penis is part of my motivation, heaux! I’m tryna do some skinny bitch ‘pick me up and fuck me mid-air without your legs shaking’ kinda shit.

I’m struggling in these skreetz so my legs can go all the way back without my stomach doubling up and pressing the air out of my lungs. I’m putting in work with this squat life so I can do 30-day squat challenge on the dick for more than three (two) minutes (seconds) before reverting to that grinding shit we like doing so much.

All in all, it was fine but literally the whole night just felt like the same moves done over and over again to different music. We definitely got a workout but I feel like the next time they do it they should get a female trainer as well. I’ve noticed that male and female trainers train you slightly differently. Men are more focused on strengthening/sculpting whereas women will mix it up with a bit more cardio.

I think part of my disappointment with the event was that I hoped for a different atmosphere, something more light-hearted and fun since it was meant to be a fitness RAVE. I pictured lots of whooping, cheering and upbeat encouragement like I experience in my Zumba class. This felt quite serious. The fun for me only really came at the end when we the DJ flung on Candy by Cameo and sped it up.

I wish that they’d provided yoga mats or at least informed us to bring our own because the floor we were doing all of that godforsaken floor work on was polished and hard as shit to stay stable on. I get very sweaty palms when I get hot, so doing press ups and all that was a myth because I kept slipping and sliding. Also, on the flyer we were promised fresh food and smoothies…we got neither. Instead they were charging £1 for a bottle of water that you could buy for 55p from the corner shop.

Also, this has nothing to do with exercise; more a marketing opportunity missed out on in the name of seriousness, but the instructors were tall, well-formed black men in a room full of women…why did no one take their shirt off, plis?

I think that if I did ever decide to do one of these again, it would probably be aerobics or something. I can do Serious Sally in the gym. If I go to fitness rave, I want fun. I know some of you are probably like, 'Heaux, that’s not the point of it,' and you’d be right, fun is not the point, but bitch, when you are not a gym bunny/fitness freak, fun helps.

I hope you enjoyed this post. If you would like more posts like this, click the heart below. Please be a star and share it with your friends.

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Click the image below to read my previous #SvelteHeaux2017 post:

Fancy something a little more daring? Read chapters 1-5 of my sexy, award-winning urban romance, Running Wilde (new chapter posted every Friday)

Until next time, fancy face

Love Scotty x