#but also the one that hit hardest doesnt follow me here anymore

[alas--pringles]

I was already thinking my suspicions about my brain were a bit more confirmed the past few days due to getting irrationally overly frustrated with a combination of "black and white thinking" "a strong sense of justice" and no one understanding what i was actually trying to communicate.

Then the "all your friends only tolerate you at besr, notice how whenever youre the one trying to make plans they never happen?" mean brain thoughts started up after work which only reminded me of plans i was trying to make (with an entirely separate group than the thoughts were mainly about.) Started that conversation again and. Wow what do you know the plans evaporated.

Ive been emotional in so many different ways before, like lowkey panicking or being anxious for various reasons, or like what may count as RSD (i usually just call it the mean part of my brain.) But this felt different. Sometimes emotions make me quieter or less talkative of course but ive never in my life experienced being nonverbal or anything. Idk if this was that but its the only way i can describe it. I was alone in my room, i wasnt trying to talk out loud, but it felt like i couldnt even really type words. Like i was basically limited to emojis, maybe gifs. (That dumb post about sodo with the emojis last night? That was then, i was looking for emojis and found the 🤏 which reminded me of him mocking rain lol.) So maybe theres a different word than just a general minor emotional breakdown for whatever last night was. Meltdown? Shutdown? Idk.

I'm ok now, probably need a break from certain topics, but wanted to get my thoughts about my weird brain out.

[pocky-girl-scenarios]

Alpha Bakugou, Shoto and Dabi x Omega tries to hid their heat

@flayvus​ - "Hi! Are you still doing omegaverse requests? If so how about Omega(reader) is in heat but doesnt want their alpha to know because they dont want to bother them bc their busy so reader steers clear  of them. But they find out anyway 😋 (Bakugo, Shoto and Dabi) Tell me if this isn't clear enough, Ty! 💫" 

For this, I'm putting this as the first heat that the reader has gone through since dating their Alpha. Enjoy hun! Sorry i got carried away with Dabi’s 

Bakugou- 

-Trying to hide your heat is hard in the first place, even with suppressants. But hiding it from Bakugou? Goodluck.

-You had always longed for the explosive alpha before the two of you were an item, but now that you were officially his Omega, that yearning was even worse. 

-Leading up to your heat, you had gotten Bakugou to scent as many things as you could without raising suspicion. A hoodie here and there, a few blankets, and a stuffed bear. 

-The alpha was oblivious to what you were doing at first, seeing it as a way to mark you as his with his scent. It was a mix of espresso and slightly burnt caramel. 

-It wasn't until three days in of avoiding him that he got suspicious that something was up. He's not a scatterbrain like some people in the class are, so it was bound to happen. 

-You had gone back to the dorms earlier in the day after a small talk with Aizawa. He could tell something was up by the slight glow to your skin and sheen of sweat that covered your body. 

-Bakugou decided to wait until classes were over for the day before going to your dorm room. 

-Before he could knock on the door he could hear little mewls coming from your room, and occasionally the whisper of his name.

-This, along with the aroma of your scent wafting from his room made the boy turn red as he realized what was going on. 

-Bakugou was frozen in place, but soon decided to go ahead and knock on your door after he heard the little mewls stopping. 

-You answered the door. Bright red face and half lidded eyes just confirmed to Bakugou that you were in the middle of your heat. 

-"Does my little Omega need help from their Alpha?" Bakugou said, smirking and walking into your room. 

-That's when you learned to never keep your heats a secret from Bakugou again. 😏😏

Shoto 

-Shoto would be one of the most oblivious to you being in heat compared to anyone in the class. 

-He comes from a family primarily made up of Alpha's with his older sister being a Beta. So he didn't know too much about Omega's and their heats. 

-He could tell that you were avoiding him a bit. As in not sitting with him and your regular group during lunch, and rushing to your dorm room after classes. 

-Shoto wondered what was up. Momo, one of your best friends in your class who happened to also be an omega, tried to explain to him that everything was fine. She knew you felt embarrassed by being in heat and tried to help cover for you. 

-About 7 days in, Shoto couldn't take it anymore. 

-He followed closely behind you on the way back to the dorms, and stuck his foot in the door when you tried to close it without letting him in. 

-The poor Alpha was starting to get worried that you were really avoiding him for a reason that his heart couldn't handle. 

-You were anxious as he let himself into your room, freaking out internally as his eyes went to the nest that you had built on your bed and back to you. 

-Realization as to what was going on hit Shoto right in the face.

-Looking down at your anxious face, he leaned in and brought you into a hug. 

-Immediately you relaxed into his arms and nuzzled your face next to his scent gland, feeling yourself get warm and fuzzy. 

-He made you promise not to keep your heats a secret from him, as he couldn't handle you avoiding him. Shoto just wanted to help you in any way he could. 

Dabi 

-Trying to get through your heat with Dabi not noticing would be the hardest thing. 

-You were on a suppressant that made your heat happen once every 3 months. And you and Dabi had started dating about two and a half months ago. 

-So you suddenly distancing and avoiding him made his guard go up. 

-Was it his face? Were you sick of looking at the burns that covered his face and body? 

-Thoughts like this were constantly running though his head as he tried to find you. 

-It had been maybe a week and a half since he had seen you last and he was getting fed up. 

-Walking through the LOV hideout he got a whiff of your scent coming from down the hall. 

-Dabi's curiosity peaked and his heart raced as he sped walked to the room where your scent was coming from. 

-He heard voices from inside the room, one was yours but very quiet and almost a whisper. The other was a male voice he couldn't quite make out. 

-Dabi could hear you whimpering on the other side of the door, sounding almost hurt. 

-The alpha couldn’t handle it anymore and barged into your room. Inside, you were curled into a nest you had made and Shigaraki there trying to get you to eat something. 

-Rage filled Dabi, some blue flames flickering around the male. He walked over to the two of you as your gaze jerked towards him, your eyes half lidded and face red as could be. 

-Before Dabi could do anything, you forced yourself up and ran across the room to where he was before he could get any closer to Shigaraki. 

-”It… It’s not what it looks like…” You tried to explain quickly. Dabi just stared coldly down at you with his blue eyes, sending a shiver down your spine. 

-Shigaraki got up from where he had been seated and meandered himself around the two of you. Before he could leave he got Dabi’s attention. 

-”I’m her younger brother dumbass. I brought her food so she would actually eat during her heat.”

-At that, the blue haired male left the room. 

-Dabi’s eyes widened in realization. He had always been jealous at how close the two of you were, but it never clicked in his mind before. Dabi had always thought Shigaraki had called you “Onii” in a joking manner. 

-Clinging onto the alpha, the omega in you released a scent that was almost stronger than anything he had smelled from you before. 

-”Well, well, well… Does my little omega need some help?” The alpha almost purred out, leading you back to your nest. 

-It’s safe to say that Dabi never left your side during your heat, and spoiled your every need during the time, and during all your heats to come. 

[thesolotomyhan]

being pregnant with miguel angel felix gallardo’s kid but leaving him would include

a/n: the way i went full 180 and wrote this because i LIVE for angst and im here to share my pain with you all,, also! this came out as a preggo hc but it follows up with the angst- um i hope you all enjoy my mess

Taglist: @ fandomnerd16  @visintaes @sheeshgivemeabreak @artemiseamoon @ all-tings-diego

let me know if you want to be tagged!

tODO POR TU CULPA ANON IM CRYING BEFORE I EVEN BEGIN-

i just need to say this to mend my broken heart but,, can you imagine miguel angel being so fucking elated the day you tell him you’re pregnant-

like im imagining you surprising him with this neatly wrapped box you give him once he comes home,,

your nervous form standing there when he gives you that stupid laugh when he picks up the box like, “whats this, amor?”

just- his smile getting bigger as he starts to unwrap the box,, pulling out this onesie you put in there-

and there’s this shine in his eyes as he holds it up,, looking at you with so much adoration,,

“estas- embarazada, tesoro?” I SOB because i know nothing feels better than to hear from you,, his dama, is pregnant with his kid, :((

and just him walking up to you,, kissing your forehead as his hands caress your stomach, lightly laughing into your hair- i :(

ok but i can feel it in me that since day one,, he would have you never leave the house no matter what because he doesnt want you out and about without him there cuidandote,,

he just gets low key worried because he doesn’t want you to get hurt while he’s working, and not be there for you right away,, so i know he would have someone with you at all times

like personal maids to do anything you ever need because he doesnt want you touching one plate or moving one foot-

he just w o r r i e s about you putting strength in anything that could harm the baby even if youve only been pregnant for a month-

se preocupa el cabron

and also him doubling security just for the sake of something ever happening,, i just- he doesn’t want absolutamente NADA que te pase ok :(

i cant- hes always telling you that you can call him whenever you need to if you want from the littlest problem to the biggest-

“por cualquier cosa, no importa la hora, you call me first, mi amor, tu eres lo mas importante para mi” -

hes just trying his hardest to be as supportive as he can for you,, im tearing up

also someone PLEASE tell me im not the only one that imagines him sitting down on a couch and having you either sitting on his lap or curled into him-

him caressing your hair and kissing the top of your head,, his hand intertwined with yours thats sitting on your stomach-

like its such a soft fucking moment that he cherishes and just looks forward to the day when he imagines holding your baby in his arms- i :((

and i can see him being the type to bring you all and every snack/food he sees on the street on his way home for you to have,,

just the way he’ll come home to you,, fresh pan dulce in his hand or ice cream as he walks up to you,, smile on his face when he leans down to kiss you-

“te traje algo para ti y el niño, amor” and his hand rubbing your stomach -i cannot handle this right now,,

god, he would also be the one to always have you sleeping on his chest,, wanting to be as close to you and his bebe when he falls asleep,,

but also him staring at the ceiling,, thinking of names he likes for your baby,, and just him blurting them out randomly when he really likes one,

i cant-and the little smile on his face when he hears you softly giggle into his chest,, sleepily telling him if you like that name or not- im crying i wow-

ok now listen,, -i want you to imagine with me somewhere at the point of your pregnancy where you find out the gender of your baby ok-

i can imagine you wouldnt have told miguel about you going to the doctors maybe because you wanted to surprise him or maybe it just crossed your mind and you forgot to tell him-

but whatever the reason,, you wouldve wanted to give him the news at his office at hotel americas because youre too excited to wait until later to tell him,,

and i just imagine you carrying this first ever picture in your hand of your baby, this smile on your face as you head up,, i

but right when you round the corner down to his office, you bump into this lady, still trying to button her shirt up, adjusting her outfit and not even acknowledging you as she walks all giggly away from you-

and from this point,, you already know something isnt right even tho you want to so badly brush it off, you cant,

not when you look down the hall where miguels office door was left open-

god, just the nagging tension pulling on your shoulder every time you take a step closer to his door,,

and the moment you push the door open,, its like a weight was dropped on your heart because there miguel stands, right behind his desk, adjusting the collar of his shirt, his hair all messed up and sticking out everywhere-

just- the whole world feeling like it stopped when he looks up at you, standing there in the doorway,, looking at him with so much resentment in your eyes because you fucking know what happen ed when everything clicked for you- i

“mija, que haces aqui? you should be at home, resting-” and like just the way hes trying to play it off like you didnt just catch him angers you even more, your tense form looking at him and teeth gritting- 

“who was that vieja, miguel?”

and just woW him giving you that fucking scoff he does as he smiles at you, moving to start walking up to you,,

“que vieja, mijita?”

i- and the way you give him this dry laugh,, not even noticing your hand starting to crumble the picture in your hand- “no soy pendeja miguel, diME quien era esa mujer” your voice starting to slowly crack,, your eyes filling with angry tears as you back away from him-

i fucking CRY at the thought of desperate miguel trying to hold your arms and calm you down,, and just holding your body against his when you start to struggle out of his hold,, his voice rising to get you to calm down when you start to hit his chest like- como pudiste? after everything we’ve been through, me enganas, como nada-?”

i just- his hands trying to stop you from pushing him away and get ahold of you- “BASTA mija, ella no es nada para mi, let me fix this, tu eres la mejor cosa para mi” i- and him looking at you todo perdido when you push him away angrily,, wanting to get as much space away from him

and theres this tense ass moment where you can barely even look at him through your eyes,, taking a shaky breath like- “cuantas mas hay,,,, dime la verdad-”

but-  ,just him looking down, silent becasue he cant bring himself to lie to you again,, not with they way he can feel his heart in his throat if he even tries to- “dejame arreglar esto, profavor mi amor, i never wanted to hurt you”

i cant- just the way he can see your heart break further when he looks at you,, hurting the one person he promised to never destroy,, 

and his own feeling like it fucking shatters as he watches you toss your ring at him,, your words further crushing him - “nunca pense que llegaria el dia en que te dijera that i dont love you anymore after what you did”-

and just, your muffled cries struggling to leave your mouth as you turn around,, not even noticing when the crumpled picture of your baby falls to the floor-

your legs moving without even thinking towards his door,, not once glancing back at him when he tries to call out your name as you slam the door behind you- i 

THIS IS YOUR FAULT ANON

[arthurflecksgirl]

Darkness caving in *A look into ARTHUR FLECKs journal

I wrote something darker today. Its a short story which contains Arthurs writing.

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts & attent ,mental illness

Arthur was sitting at the table in the corner of his dark apartment. The smoke of his half gone cigarette filled the dark room. Only the dim blue lights from the kitchen made it possible to see something.

Arthur inhaled the smoke as he turned the desk light on.

Almost empty bottles of serveral different medication lying between an ashtray and his wrecked journal.

He was topless, in his pj pants and started to get cold. But he didnt had the time to get a shirt. There was no time to waste.

He had to get all of these thoughts out of himself. On the paper. Maybe then they would leave him at peace. At least for the rest of the night.

His therapist recommented it to him. Writing a journal. So he did. He wasnt sure if it helped in any way but it was easier tokeep all his jokes together this way, so he kinda started to appriciate it.

Dr Kane never really read the words he had written. She told him she would but her eyes always skipped the most important parts. She just looked over it. No real interest.

Althought the content of his diary was pretty personal, he wished someone would read it. Not only skipping though the pages.

The thought of someone paying attention to his words made made him feel warm inside. He wanted to be heard. he wanted to be listened to. Even if some of the stuff would be truly embarrassing. It would be worth it.

He was always alone with his thoughts. So alone that it felt like his own mind was attacking him sometimes. It just wouldnt leave him alone.

Every night, when he was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, darkness was caving in, coming closer. Smothering him. Not only the darkness of the room. But the darkness inside of him. It grew within him like a creature of its own. Like something he lost control over it. Day by day.

The seven different medications he took should keep the darkness from taking him in compleately. But he wasnt sure for how long this would work out anymore.

Last night he felt hands all over him.

Not hands of a beautiful girl, like he wished for.

Shapeless hands, darkness itself.

It made him shiver under his blankets and he closed his eyes and tried to imagin something that would bring him back to a better state of mind.

Your hands.

Soft and warm.

The hands of the girl that just moved in across the street.

He could see though your window when he stood behind the curtains in his kitchen.

He watched you serveral times now. When you changed your clothes. You were so beautiful. He thought about you a lot when he felt the hole in his lonely heart.

It was your hands he imagined as he shivered at night.

He has never been touched by loving hands before.

Never been hugged by anyone exept his mother.

All he ever wished for was someone to hold him at night.

Someone to keep the shapeless , grabbing hands of darkness away from his fragile body.

And your hands seemed just right for it.

He saw them when you opened and closed the window.

But deep down he knew it was only a dream to feel them across his face.

To feel them in his hair, after you kissed passionately.

It was only daydreams. Hallucinations, visions even like Dr Kane claimed.

Arthur put the cigatette down in the ashtray and started writing:

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling that has been growing inside of me over the years. I can feel it every day. Its sitting right there on my shoulders when I take a walk outside. Its is sitting beside me when I am on the subway. Its watching me with his ugly eyes when I make dinner for my mum. Its always there,its arms tight around my feet, kicking and screaming for me to give in.

It wants me to give in. I just know it. Any maybe I should.

But then I start hearing other voices again.

Soft whispers of a girl, her breath hot against my ear. She tells me she loves me and convinces me that everything is going to be okay.

I know she isnt real but it still holds me back from doing what I should.

I mean...she is real actually. She lives across my street but she has not noticed me yet. I guess she never will. No one ever does. Not even my mother. She just keeps on talking about Thomas Wayne, thats all she seemed to be interested in. But she is in a bad condition and I guess its okay. I don`t wanna be another burden she has to carry. I guess she would be better off without me. Another reason why I should quit.

I should be used of being lonely. But its something I never get used to. It gets harder every day actually. It gets harder with age. I turn 36 soon and I feel even more miserable than ever before. I should end it. I should really end it all.

Lets be honest. The girl across my street will never even look me in the eyes. She might see me leaving the house some day, but she will just walk on by, like I wasnt even there.

Would she walk over me if I would lie there on the sidewalk?

No I guess she wouldnt. She looks very nice and caring.

Maybe she would help me get back up if I was lucky.

But thats it.

The touch of her hand helping me up would be the only chance to ever feel her soft skin on mine.

Maybe I should go out and threw myself on the street.

Hoping that she will see me from her window, before I will get hit by a tuck.

Or even better. maybe I should get hit by a fucking truck and she will see the bloody mess when she is about to go out to buy some food.

She would see me lying there and would get to me in a hurry.Trying to wake me. It would be too late but I guess she would shed a tear over me.

I know she doesnt even know who I am but she looks like someone who would shed a tear over a dead stranger, lying in front of her house.

And her empathy , her salty  tear falling upon my bloody forehead would be worth it.

Anyway.... yesterday I couldnt even distrakt myself by daydreaming about her.

So I wanted to give it a tray and made myself a hot bath.

I waited till Penny was asleep.

I even checked twice if she was.

I mixed her dinner with some of my sleeping pills, to make sure she won`t wake up and use the bathroom while I was trying to kill myself.

I couldnt handle the thought of her seeing this.

It would look like I am asleep when she finds me in the morning, so this should be okay.

I didnt wanted to break her heart but as I said, she is better off without me. Everyone is.

I can`t connect to other people. I tried it all my life but it just won`t happen.

I try to make them laugh, tell them jokes, bring them flowers,...

But it never works.

So why try over and over again?

I am just sick of this.

And a bathtub full of hot water would do its duty.

So... I tip toed to the bathroom, shut the door quietly and got rid of my clothes.

A last look into the mirror.

My skinny  body is starting to freeze. The room is cold.

My ribs are popping out where my skin is bruised all over.

They kicked the shit out of me a week ago.

The good thing is... it won`t happen again.

My fingers wandered across my hollow belly.

I havent eaten for days.

I looked fragile.

How could the girl ever love a man looking like this?

I bet she gets laid with some kind of buff guy, with stong arms.

Its hard to look at my own reflection.

Green eyes starred back at me.

Kinda intense.

I expected them to look empty.

They didn`t.

The look I gave myself scared me in a way.

Like my very own eyes are asked me what the fuck am I doing here.

That I shoud turn off the water and get back to sleep.

But sleep would not happen.

Only shapeless , cold hands again.

Black shadowns against my pale skin.

The only sleep I could ever find is right there...

I looked at the bathtub, which I could also see in the mirror. It was almost filled now.

It was time.

The last look I dedicated to the scar on my upper lip.

My cheekbones.

My brown, sweaty hair.

Bye Arthur Fleck.

I turned around and  put my right foot into the water. It was painfully hot.

Pain is good. I wanted to feel something.

The left foot followed, so as the rest of my bony body.

I layed down.

The hot water like an embrace.

The warm embrace I never experienced with another person.

With the girl I love.

It felt like a thousand hands loving me all at once.

"Love me" I whispered into the dark bathroom.

I took a close look at my own hands.

I think I never looked at them closely before.

They were destined to touch someones body.

To hold someones face between them. Gently. While kissing the one that lets me love her.

But i just couldnt make it happen.

I`m a freaking looner.

Nothing more than that.

A freak maybe. First of all a freak.

A silent whimper escaped my lips right before I let my head sunk under the water.

The feeling of being under water gave me comfort.

Even more comfort than crawling into the fridge.

Its like being locked up.

The outside world cant hurt you anymore.

Thats why I actually liked being at Arkham.

A cage can be comforting.

But you don`t need a cage anymore, after you left your body.

I would be free soon.

I felt the urge to get up.

Now comes the hardest part I thought.

I felt the pressure in my lungs.

But I would`t get up.

I wanted it to end.

My ears shut. So as the voices in my head. It became quiet now.

So quiet.

Is this what peace feels like?

My chest started to hurt

And as the burning sets in I heard her voice calling me.

"Arthur, come back!"

No, I wont listen to another hallucination again.

"Arthur, please! I need you to notice me"

I know how it feels like to remain unnoticed.

Bubbles coming out of my mouth.

"What if I could actually love you, Artie? What if I would hold you in my arms forever and I can`t cuz you had to kill yourself first?"

Sounds convincing. I had to admit.

"What if I was just as lonely as you and we are meant for each other?"

What if actually?

The burning gets worse. My lungs feel like they are about to burst.

More bubbles.

I open my eyes underwater.

And there she was.

I saw her beautiful shape standing in fron of the bathtub. Her arms streched out for me.

My vision was blurry but I still saw that she looked WORRIED.

Because of me.

I could tell she was about to cry.

The tear came into my mind.

The tear falling upon my bloody forehead.

The one I couldnt  have felt anymore.

Whats the point of a tear you cant feel anymore?

The point of being loved when you never knew you were loved?

What if there is the slightest chance that someone sees me?

I felt her arms grabbing me, lifting my tiney body out of the bathtub.

I was gasping for air, coughing.

Her face above me as I lay on the cold floor.

"You`re cold,Arthur" she smiled in the cutest way and covered my shaking body with a bathrobe, stroking my wet hair out of my face.

"You`re beautiful" I whispered with shaking lips.

"So as you, Arthur. I`m glad you?re back!"

"You are?"

Silence.

Black out.

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor.

No bathrobe to protect me from the cold.

The bathtub still full of water.

I felt weak while I stood up. My skinny legs unstable.

Then I started to remember it again.

I wanted to end me.

But there was this girl.... the girl from across the street.

She...

I guess it was just another vision i had.

I put my underwear  and PJ pants back on, walking into the kitchen, made some coffee. Light a cigarette and watched out the window.

Same old world.

But then... the girl just left the house.

I dont know why but I headed out of the house in a sec, still in my PJ.

I stood across the street and watched her.

She looked like an angel.

So soft and beautiful.

There was something about her smile.

"Sir?" my heart skipped a beat as I realized she was looking at me.

"Sir, can I ask you something?" she walked towards me, bright eyes.

"Y....yes sure?!" I mumbled.

"I dont know if you are aware but I just moved in some weeks ago and I dont know anyone here in the neighborhood..." she seemed kinda shy, which i really liked.

"I dont usually do this... its kinda embarrassing" she laughed.

"No...no...its okay... what is it?"

"Well... I was watching you for quite a time now...." she was looking at the ground, then back into my eyes  "And... well... I´d love to get to know you better. I was dreaming about you yesterday.... oh god I shouldnt have said that.... I am so sorry.... but I couldnt get you out of my mind ever since." she blushed.

"Are you....serious?"

She smiled "Yeeahhh. Oh yes I am. I just wondered if you would go out on a date with me. there I said it"

She offered me her hand  "I am Y/N"

"I`m Arthur"

I touched her hand.

Her hand !

Skin on skin.

I felt a tear running down my cheek.

A tear I could still feel.

Just like her hand.

"Arthur? Are you crying?"

I sqeezed her hand and felt happiness for the first time in my life.

"Oh Y/N .... Don´t you worry about that!"

THE END

[athenakassandra]

The Other Side of the Fence

I can almost feel it. It’s there. I can feel my fingertips are brushing against what I’ve been missing all these years. If I was in a race, the line’s right in front of me. I knew this is it. After all this time, it’s finally here for taking.

All I gotta do now is cross it.

But... how? It seems so simple, right? Cross it. Just finish and claim the prize. Isn’t that how it’s done? JUST DO IT.

I wish it was that simple. I forgot, after eight long years, that there’s a fence. I stare at it like I did so many years ago, and somehow it looks the same. It has aged a good deal, and it almost looks vulnerable now. But as I’ve proven all those years, it’s deceptively impenetrable.

The hardest part about the fence is that it has a lot of things that I want on the inside, things that I dream about on a regular basis. Things I’d give up a lifetime to be a part of. When mom (not my mom) talks about these i feel the pain of missing out of them. What’s most painful and cruel is that I can see everything from where I stand, and watch other people enjoy the things i want, but will never have.

I see a kid running full speed towards me as if seeing something he has seen for the first time. I bet he’s curious as he comes over just a few steps from the fence. He stopped dead in his tracks and just stares at it like it’s a blank wall. That’s how the fence works, I see everything from the outside, but they will never see me. I recognize the kid. It’s my boy, and I felt the tears start falling. Tears of joy? Maybe. My son makes me happy even by just the simplest of things, but it made me sad and frustrated that I loved him since the day he was born and yet he has doesnt and perhaps never will meet me. He’s such an angel, and I remember holding his hand once when he was two years old, and I remember it like I just let go of it. It hurt that he was someone else’s, but eventually I realized it was through him I truly learned -- and understood -- the word sacrifice. I felt, for the briefest of instances, like I was a part of something bigger. He has grown now, and he looked great. I know he’s gonna grow up well and do well. He’s gonna be seven this year, and I wonder what to give him on his birthday. A new toy? His mother tells me the boy likes to play a lot. Perhaps a new iPad. Or Maybe a real father? I don’t know. That’s up to mom. We stare at each other, him with a piercing look and me trying not to scare him. I know he doesnt see me, but I still stare back in regret and longing, when I hear a commanding voice from afar, and we both look at where it’s coming from. It was my son’s grandma.

Mama, as she’s fondly called, comes over and carries my boy away. As badass as she looks, she owns what’s got to be one of the softest hearts, as I’m told. I found it hard to believe at first, as when I met her like twice before I just remember being scared shitless by just meeting her gaze. Like I mentioned earlier she has a commanding voice, and my son walks toward her, giving the fence one final glance as if he saw someone or something there. I hear his aunt call him out as well, offering something I couldn’t see from this distance. Aunt’s also gonna be a mother soon. She looks like 98% mom, and I used to think of all the high fives we’re gonna have and all the high pitched laughs because of all the inside jokes about mom that we’re gonna share. She’s had a difficult life, and I’d like to think that she having a child soon is one of the steps toward the right direction. I wish this family all my best, even if they have no clue who I am and I doubt they’ll ever know me. I sigh and take back a deep breath, wishing this wasnt the case.

The other day mom told me a couple stories while we were driving home. The way she talked made me feel like she’s somewhat venting, though I didnt really mind. I want her to do that. I want her to tell me everything. I want to help her when she’s feeling down, console her when she’s hurt, and laugh with her when she’s happy. I realized it’s also one of the things the fence keeps me from having. The everyday life stories, from the simplest to the most outrageous, is one of the things I want to share with mom. It’s basically the life together, the chaos, and it just hurts not being there when she needs someone to hold her. Life just aint fair.

It felt so good to daydream. It’s a beautiful night, and though the silence doesn’t give off the best of vibes I’m trying to have when I write, it’s good enough to just summon my thoughts. The bad thing, however, about daydreaming is that it feels so real at one point and then with a blink of an eye, it’s gone. It’s just gone, and all I can see is pitch black, I feel the emptiness that has devoured all the things joyful I can ever think of, and I’m alone again. Then, in the middle of all this, I see mom. I see her talking to our son and wiping the sweat off his forehead down to his face. This sets my mind off again, reminiscing how I loved and lost the love of my life.

Mom and I were never the convenient love story. We’re one of the against-all-odds, spontaneous, and heart-wrenching ones. It was never easy for us, which was clear from the start, and we had to fight for what we have. I’d like to think that it made us indestructible, and the joy and passion we shared for one another remains unmatched, though historically one thing or two always ends up breaking us apart. I dont know what it is, but before she left for the last time, I remember us being able to take a piece of each other. During cold days and hard times I hold onto that piece to give me hope. I always clutch at it whenever I feel insecure, unloved, and rejected. It somehow makes me feel her heart and her love, though it’s ironic because I got it when she left, but undeniably, it works. She’s also the one person I know I can talk to when nobody else will. She’s the only one who can calm me when my stupid temper just decides to go off. Heck she even made me want that homeless-looking Post Malone. I loved her for it. I still do. She makes my heart smile and full in a way nobody else can, like nothing else matters in the world but us. I’m 29 and I still feel butterflies in my stomach when I kiss her hand. We still make out like we used to in our early 20′s, and when our lips touch, I can feel all the love that I missed all these years. The stars are back, and I just don’t want to let go.

But, I have to. I still have to go back to my world, and she has to hers. It’s what the fence divides, and unlike eight years ago I have a ticking time bomb that’s not gonna stop. It’s strapped to the fence, and if we destroy the fence the bomb goes off as well. It’s either we hit two birds in one stone by eliminating both the bomb and the fence, or we die and lose our souls again. I look at mom’s eyes and i’d like to believe it’s somewhat different now, that she’s gonna have something to do about whatever the outcome’s gonna be. It gives me hope, and like I said, I can almost feel it. I think we’re closer this time. Better.

And then again, the fence is deceptively strong. We can always go around it and do whatever we want, but the fence will just remind us that we will be separated at the end of the day. I dont want to do that anymore if it was up to me. I just want to go home to my wife and son and live a simple life.

I love you, mom, I love you so much. You know this, and you also know there’s nothing I wouldnt give. It’s up to you now, but please dont go to a place where I cant follow. Even if we fail again, my heart and the best parts of me will always belong to you. Hopefully I see and touch your face today.

I’ll just be where I can be found a lot this past couple of weeks --- right outside the fence, waiting for you.

[prissypickle]

I did it

One year ago today I finished highschool. One year ago today I finished the toughest journeys of all times. Highschool was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. There was so many people who ruined it but there was so many people who made it better for me. My freshman year I attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital and and no school wanted to take me in. At the time Fir Ridge Campus didn’t take in freshman. So I had no choice but to drop out. David Douglas straight up told me that I couldnt go there. I had too many problems and They couldn’t give me an education. In spring of my freshman year I enrolled in an online school called metro east web academy. Of course with all my mental health issues I had no motivation to do any of it. In the end I only got one credit for it. And that was for creative writing. I’m with ICTS which is where people come outd to your house three times a week for therapy. So I was with them for six months. It was hard saying goodbye. But then I went yo seeing a therapist once a week. I was still cutting often. But back to my schooling, I didn’t do anything and my mom was so pissed at the david doglas school district because the refused to put me in a school and finally she wrote a three page nasty letter saying how I needed to be in a school and thats how I got to fir ridge.

My freshman year I was so scared. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I didn’t go to school. I was fucked up in the head, cutting and I didn’t know anyone. So I didn’t really talk to anyone on my first day. But within a few days I met a small group of friends that I could relate to. Which was great. The next best thing was that there was a school counselor and a therapist that came to the school. So on top of going to seeing a therapist once a week I went to see him once a week. He was from Trillium services. He was a great therapist. I saw him from 45 minutes to an hour. My school counselor was mamed Michael and he was probably the best counselor anyone could ask for. He understood me. When I needed my space he let me sit in the office or library and do my work. When I had my mental break downs he gave me a quiet space. He was amazing. I have terrible anxiety with loud noises and whenever we had a firedrill I would cry and have a panic attack when there was he warned me and brought me to the office telling me when so I wasnt as afraid. As I said. He was the best school counselor anyone could ask for.

I had this friend. Her name was Iris. I cared for her so so much she was my first friend I made in middle school and she went to a diffent school but she had problems at the time and so she was looking into my school and I was thrilled. But before ahe came she also had issues and so she went to a rehab place. I called her family every day to see how she was doing. I sent flowers and cards because well, wouldn’t a best friend do that? When she got out she started at Fir Ridge Campus a bit later. I was so happy we reunited again. We started having sleep overs and everything. Okay? But one time during a sleepover she stole her parents credit card and bought something, which was a peircing kit and I had no idea so she came to my house when it was delivered and took it before I was home. I’ll also mention around two years ago she stole my ipod. But anyway so this happened and it happened once more but with tea but ahe sent it to her house instead of mine. So her mom was like “you arent ever allowed to see her again” blaming me for her daughter peircing herself. That was the hardest thing for me to hear because she was my best friend. Or so I thought she was. I believe this was all happening during my Junior year or late sophomore I cant remember it was so hectic. Ill come back to this bitch a little bit later.

But my Junior year I did this amazing thing called camp pheniox. That was the second the best and worst part of highschool. Its a two day overnight camp plus 4 weeks of after care. During the two nights you broke yourself down talking about the horrible things in life and at the end you are rebuilding yourself and raising up into a pheniox. During the process you did multiple activites which were happy, sad and heartbreaking realizing how fucked up and broken you were on the inside. One of the days you clumb a tree and tell everyone what you committ to. And I said I committ to my family and my support system. And then you had to walk on a tightrope with another person and jump when you couldnt do it anymore. And the other classmates are completely in control of the rope and your harness. Then the second activity we did was get in a harness and go up and your classmates pull you up until you say stop. Basically a gaiant swing okay. So I was letting go past teachers which I will get on explaining to more. And then letting in good teachers and then you yank it and I did a 90 foot free fall and holy shit was that fun. As i said it was the best and wors part of it because i landed up in teen intensive outpatient because I was cutting and I was extremely depressed.

But back to the teacher thing. There was a history teacher her name was Karen and she was a bitch to me. She hated me. And She KNEW i struggled with anxiety and she KNEW that I hated being with loud people and so I always needed to go to the office to see a counselor and I always finished up my work at home. And finally she was like you have to go to detention to finish this. And so Im in the office complete sobbing and my council waves it off. And other time with her was when my counselor talked to her about it she didnt talk to me for 3 DAYS like seriously she was so immature. Then When I came back from thr weekend she didnt call on anyone else but me. Then at the end of the week there was a new seating chart and I came in late because I was talking yo the trillium therapist okay and she shows me my seat and Im calm and I say no. And shes like yes. And I calmly explain to her why I cant go sit next to him because be gave me anxiety. And then she PROCEEDS to yell at me infront of the whole class who is now stairing at me and Im completely crying now infront of the class go to the principals office to fucking write me a refferl because i was arguing with her. Which the princapal immediately threw it out. The princapal at the time was absolutely amazing. She took me out on the track as I cried and walked with me.

So my junior year is happening and I went to camp pheniox and outdoor school it was great okay. So I went to outdoor school for my third session and I broke my ankle and had to stay home for a week and you remember this Iris girl who is my best friend??? Well not anymore. When I was away at outdoor school where I couldn’t DEFEND myself she went to the counselor and said. That I raped her and drugged her with majauana. And In like balling my eyes out because Im so fucking confused and why she did that. And so the counselor literally asked if I did it and Im like what the fuck do you really think I did it. And Im like crying at her because Im so upset. Like who in the right mind would accuse someone of rape. I mean I work with children. I was a swim instructor at the time. If she went to the police I could’ve been arrested and fired from my job which she didnt go because she knew she was a lying skank ass bitch. Also they couldve drug tested me because I wasnt even smoking at the time! And so Im in the office and my counselor is like “what are you feeling?” And I littlerly upfront say” I want to punch this bitch in the face,” she she looked at me “you cant do that” and Im like “no shit I cant do it. I want to but tgat doesnt mean I am going to.” And she sighs like after and hour of fuming she tells me Im not allowed to tell ANYONE and Im like fine whatever.

But I go to my momma jill and tell her and I like an crying to her and shes just holding me. But seriously then the vice principal calls me in during third period to talk more about what happened ALSO i had a freaking alliby because I was at fucking teen Intensive outpaitent during the time she accused me! Basically it was a whole clusterfuck

. It got 100% worse when there was an assembly and youll never guess who was running it the skank ass Iris. So she started talking about rape. And then she says “someone here raped me” and then she looked over at me. I kid you not. And my dad was there and he stood up and I cant remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “you shouldnt accuse anyone of rape either,” he said or something like that Im to busy crying and my teacher holding my hand. Finally my dad comes over to me and says were leaving. So my worst fear now the whole school knows that Iris accused me of rape and drugging her. So im literally in the gym having the WORST mental breakdown of my life and I mean screaming at the too of my lungs dropping to the knees hitting the floor. There was the security guy and Joey one of the teachers along with the princapal and vice principal trying to calm me down. And my dads crying because hes upset because of what Iris had said. And they told me to stay home for a few days until I could calm down.

So I came bac the following monday. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I almost had another suicide attempt but I thought about Taylor Swift and how I would never get t meet her and that just made me hold onto life just a little bit longer. So by the end of the year it was time for prom and so I was nominated for.... you guessed it prom court equivalent to prom princess/prince and can you guesd who was nominated too? That bitch Iris. So we were BOTH up against each other and trust me I was NOT going to let her win. So I baked my ass off and probably made over 200 cupcakes and fed them to the entire school and when I was time for prom. I won. I won prom princess. That was the best night of my entire life. My entire highschool carrer I felt normal. Everything was perfect

. Soon my Junior year ended. And summer came and went and my Senior yesr started. I only needed 1 credit to graduate .5 government .5 global studies. So I took government first which I got like knocked down a ton because i refused to do presentations because i hate speaking infront of a class but I still passed with a A. Then global studies I REFUSED to take with Karen again. So I did 5 at least 250 page packets in one quarter. And I still graduated early two quarters early. I started school my sophomore year because they didnt count it as a freshman and ended my senior year. I worked my ass off. And I graduated in 2 1/2 years. I graduated. I did it. I made it. Evern after a suicide attempt. Witnessing my mom attempt suicide my sophmore year, Iris accusing me of rape. All of that and I still graduated and I was second in class too. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I didnt think id ever make it here. I thought in 2014 I was going to die. But I didnt. I’m still here. Alive and succeeding in life. Im a caregiver now. I’m getting my CNA in July. I made it. I did it.

[juunshua]

henlo! can u post a gif tutorial cause your gifs are so pretty and look amazing, even on mobile which messes up with everythjng 😆

ahh anon u flatter me!! thank you for your kind words!!! i honestly have ways to go, but it means a lot that u say this thank you 

so for starters i have a mac + photoshop cs5 so a lot of this tutorial will be based on what you do for that, but i’m sure u could do the same thing on pcs  (actually pcs have more programs available so i highly recommend, if u have a pc, finding a tutorial that is based around pcs) and other photoshop versions too! but i think the general process is still the same, a different tutorial might just be more nuanced^^

1. Finding/downloading your video~so for normal mp4 videos on youtube i use this website. it’s pretty useful it can download from actually a wide variety of sites like naver (up till 1080p!) ~for v app videos i use this site~ts files i find on kpopexciting or kpop24hrs (u need an account for kpop24hrs i think to download video but! signing up isnt difficult and its nothing fishy. i use it a lot esp for older ts files it has a good archive, kpopexciting tends to be faster though.)~the higher quality files you find the better! i find that it tends to go mp4~honestly finding the right high quality video is a HUGE part of making gifs look nice2. Extracting your video~there are many many many ways to extract your video but I highly recommend downloading avisynth! There are ways to download it for pc! avisynth is beautiful because it doesn’t really reduce the quality of your video to the extent that photoshop does, plus it can extract 60fps from ts files. some gifs ive made through avisynth ( x x x ) if you’re interested in avisynth further, tumblr user @/brandinator is a good place to start! if you want to know more regarding how to use it and a different tutorial through that, let me know! ~now i’m not sure if there is an avisynth tutorial for mac anymore, BUT theres another great program, vapoursynth, that mac users can look into. here’s a tutorial that i’ve found~Before I got avisynth I used VLC player for ts files but I had to basically screenshot each frame individually. Some gifs I’ve made through this method ( x x x ). these gifs are 60fps only bc i found a user who uploaded the ts file in 60fps. usually you cant get 60fps w/o avisynth. but this is also me saying that if you cant get avisynth or vapoursynth, there are still ways to work around it i think! one of my fav giffers for the longest time didnt use either!! and sharpening and coloring were always on point.~I think pcs can use kmplayer? id look into that if you have a pc~for normal mp4 videos I just use photoshops ‘import video frames to layers’ option (under file in the menubar)! you can use avisynth as well, but for me it takes forever to extract what i want in avisynth (minimum like a minute ish), whereas ps can get the part of the video i want to gif in a couple of seconds. I think it’s self explanatory but basically you find the video you want to extract, find where u want ur gif to start, and for photoshop cs5, you hit the ‘shift’ key and let the part u want giffed in the video play. when youre done u lift the shift key and hit ‘ok’ (idk if it differs for different versions of ps). i extract all!!! frames!! it makes it look smoother too :)

3. Coloring/Sharpening/Cropping/Etc~now this is the step that I can’t really give a tutorial on because honestly it varies for everyone! but i feel that this is the step that a lot of ppl need guidance with (me included) because it is the hardest step, probably because it is so ‘up in the air’ for lack of a better word? there is no one right way of doing it the possibilities are literally endless but here are some tips~Coloring:       ~most important rule: don’t whitewash ur gifs!!       ~other than that, the world is yours.       ~honestly have fun with this part! coloring is something that i haven’t fully learned yet       ~i tend to play around mainly with the curves, selective color, hue/saturation, and color balance layers       ~you can also download psds other ppl have made (i dont do this myself) and use those!      ~also i feel that a lot of the times, the right coloring can make ur gif seem higher quality. coloring can also play a role in reducing gif size if u do it correctly.      ~honestly this part is just a lot of experimentation, over the course of a gifset and over the course of time in general. some people find their coloring style easily, but i was not one of those people. ive spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to adjust what layers to get the colors that i want and i think only as of this era ive been able to execute the coloring i had pictured in my mind. so patience is a virtue!!! ~Sharpening:      ~ah yes my biggest enemy: sharpening      ~first things first, i sharpen my gifs using smart sharpen + topaz                  ~settings for my smart sharpen are 500%; 0.4                 ~check the box that says ‘more accurate’ and i personally remove ‘gaussian blur’      ~some people also use topaz denoise, and/or topaz clean     ~ honestly topaz is a lifesaver for me bc it smoothes out a lot of grain that can be introduced via coloring! also!!! it can reduce gif size by a lot!!!!!!!!!!!          ~on topaz denoise i hit the ‘light’ setting on the side and adjust the settings accordingly          ~idk how to use topaz clean even though I have it, because it refuses to work          ~to apply topaz you have to hit ‘flatten frames into layers’                ~some gifs i’ve made with just topaz and no avisynth ( x  x x x)        ~there are ways to make it look nice without topaz but i’ve forgotten how after i got it               ~id duplicate the frame then use smart sharpen and ‘gaussian blur’ under ‘blur’                       ~then adjust the opacity levels in some way.                       ~my settings for the opacity levels aren’t good so i’ll refrain from sharing               ~some gifs ive made through this method ( x x )        ~last but not least i’ll bring up avisynth again. avisynth is nice at preserving video quality                 ~a lot of ppl i know say they don’t even sharpen gifs out of avisynth                 ~here are some gifs i have made with avisynth + topaz ( x x x x x x x )    ~honestly when it comes to sharpening, im still floundering with it. my sharpening needs a lot of work but, amongst the people who i consider good sharpners, most of them use avisynth, topaz denoise and/or clean, and smart sharpen! so all the resources are here !

~Cropping:     ~it’s super important to follow tumblr dimensions otherwise gifs come out looking grainy! even when they’re not ! (case in point: x in which i used 168 instead of 178 for the dimensions)~Timing:   ~Timing is so important!!! I almost forgot!! Always make sure u dont have duplicate frames for starters! for 60fps source videos i use .03, for mp4s i typically use .04 but sometimes the frame rate is kinda funky so you may have to go slower accordingly! and the important thing about timing is that if u use smart object, when u save ur gif, it’ll be in a different timing? like .04 gets changed to .07 but in order to fix that, u can simply just save ur gif in the wrong timing, and then reopen the gif in ps, simply change the timing to what u want on all ur frames, and then save it again!! idk if that made any sense but laskdjf this was the biggest mystery for me for so long omg4. Saving the gif~personally the save settings I use are “Selective/Adaptive” ; “Diffusive”; Dither: 100%; 256 colors. sometimes this makes the gif super grainy so i use “pattern” instead of “diffusive” in those instances5. Pray Perseverance   ~a lot of the time when you’re giffing, gifs won’t come out the way you want it (i’m sure for every gifset i’ve uploaded on tumblr, there’s a gifset that i started making and never finished because it looked really bad). idk sometimes it feels like photoshop has its own will, sharpenings wont always work the same way each time, video quality won’t be the way you want it, i’m honestly still very experimental right now I don’t have ps figured out at all. so yeah…sometimes all u can do is that when u hit that save for web button (that ruins everything alskf), pray that ps doesnt mess it up too bad ahahaha but also that even when it does, its okay and you can try again! or try something new!

this is a super generic guide! let me know if you need more information! 

[mylifeisboderline]

Omg

Can’t believe how hard it is for me to leave the house alone. Certain things I can do. Like grocery shopping. I went to Best Buy the other day. I dont know why but if I’m dressed nicely but low key I usually feel comfortable in target. But new places are the hardest. I actually never get to them. I cant even make a call to get the health insurance I need.

I was staying in an apartment that was my own place and I find Im more likely to do things for myself. But now im back on my sisters couch searching for a job. Its still like im invisible to her even though Im right here on her own couch. How am I going to be able to take care of myself? Be a productive member of society. Sometimes I think how people literally are doing something almost every hour of the day. They have meetings and go out to lunch then hit the gym and etc etc. They are normal. Making or having friends. Taking instagram pics. I wanna be normal. I wanna have clothes that make me feel like im worth something. I dont want my self esteem to be so low that I cant wear anything besides a tshirt and jeans because I dont want to be noticed. My sisters doing coke again. Her and her boyfriend have been fighting and making up. Shes worried hes using her. She makes all the money and he just quit his job. Hes always making mistakes. I think he is too and she should just leave. They stay uo and do coke then sleep all day. Her daughter has been calling me mama but I think sometimes she just uses that word to tell you what she wants. Or to get your attention. I think they need to spend more time with her. And when shes out running around they need to interact with her more. But in a lot of other ways shes spoiled. I just wanna spend more time with my sister. I need emotional help and her support. She walks in and barely says anything to me, always promising that we will hang out and get out of the house (which I also need someone to go with me anyways) and then doesnt follow through. She told me to move down here and I can stay in her other empty apartment. But now thats in jeopardy so here I am. She never talks to me or lets me talk to her about my feelings my anxiety. Yet I work everything through with her about her boyfriend. Shes so self centered and inconsiderate. But also I love her very much. I wanna get some clothes so I can be half way decent enough to go on a date with this girl. Shes beautiful and lovely and very successful. Shes pre law and in a soriety. She also seems to dress in a very popular style. And I just feel like a faliure next to her. No job. No higher education. People judge you for that. I just wanna at least look nice. It gives an elusion. But I also think she may not be as shallow. But I wanna empress and I dont want her to see my anxiety and how Im a hermit. I seem to only be comfortable “going out” like for fun if Im going out drinking and dancing with my sister. I wasted a lot of my klonopin. And I need the rest for an interview. I have this dumb tattoo on my hand. Itll probably ruin my chances. She texted just as I was writing about her. I dont know her but I can tell Id be proud to bring her home.

Ive gained my weight back since leaving my dads. His girlfriend was so cruel I went from 130 to 99.6. Mocking me for my suicide attempt in the past.

I literally drove myself into a wall. Back off. Two hour “family meetings” over a missing dish rag. Lying on me. Threatening to call the cops over nothing.

I feel like trash. And wasted potential. I feel myself getting more stupid.

I was prescribed 100 lamotrigine. I was on it before but they brought it up to 100 recently. The doctor who filled my lastest prescription gave me 200mg so I cant break them in half and theyd last long. I just started take 2 halfs a day. One in morning one at night. Its only been a day. And then I followed up this morning. I hope it helps. I wanna be independent. Financially, yes. But damn it I wanna be able to do what I want with out a babysitter. I dont wanna be dependent on anyone! So now I wanna ignore this girl until our date tonight. In case she asks about what I’m doing. So she doesnt know I dont have a job. So she doesn’t know Im sitting on the couch watching the first episode of the man in the high castle. Hope its good! Should I text her back? Hmmm. Anyways I think I may feel better getting this out.

I wanna move on from my ex and show her ive upgraded. As shallow and stupid as that sounds. I just know I was too good for herm and its been way longer than a year since we were officially together. But I would still see her when her and her girl would break up. She knows im always here waiting to be used. But not anymore. Havent been for a while. Ive sorta been tip toeing out of my shell. I just want her to see me be great cause she brought me down for so long. Is that stupid? Its not my main goal AT ALL. but is it crazy that itd be like..the chocolate drizzle on the fudge sunday?

[dahyeri]

I don’t know why the sunset seems so scary to me right now

I keep looking out of my window and looking at the sun and feeling angry at it. I think it’s because when the sun sets, I know that that’s just another day gone by and time still moves like nothing ever happened... it moves and things become more final

I can’t say i’m surprised about how much this has affected me. I used to be one of those people that when a celebrity died i couldn’t empathise with the people that had followed them closely, were their ‘biggest fans’ and what not. I’d always think “It’s sad..... but how can someone feel that distraught over someone they don’t even know?” 

But Jonghyun meant a lot to me. Not in the way that he would to people who know him, I’m obviously no comparison, but people touch our lives in so many different ways and he really touched mine. My life for the past 5 years has been full of lots of ups and downs, and even in the worst times I was able to look to shinee and jonghyun for solace. I also felt a lot of pride for the work he did, he always put so much effort and love and devotion and dedication and heart into everything he did and music meant so much to him and you could just feel it everytime you listened to his songs, and i would always take that feeling with me and use it to make me feel better.

I guess it breaks my heart to think he thought leaving this way was the only option. And sometimes when i’m crying i feel selfish in that theres real people that knew him and who were in his life that are grieving right now and i’m just a stupid girl sobbing in my room somewhere and he’ll never know who i am. I’m not surprised by the fact that i’m upset over this, I’m more surprised about the....feeling? I never expected something like this to hit me so hard. And it’s difficult when you feel its unjustified, you have such a horrible heartbroken feeling, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you constantly cry and everything makes you angry just by the sight of it existing, but then what use is it? I actually have a take home exam i’m supposed to be doing right now. I’m in the middle of finals but I just can’t function properly but of course he was never a family member, or a friend to me so I have to be expected to just move through it because i have no excuse. But he really felt like a friend. I remember looking through my posts today and finding a photo of him from maybe a couple of years ago, and one of my tags said ‘he looks like he could give me a really nice really warm hug’ and i believe it.  He alwayed inspired he every time he spoke, i would always read quotes from blue night and be shocked by just how eloquent and thoughtful is in everything he says. He gave so much love to the people around hime, even to those he didn’t know well, but i can’t stop thinking about how he couldn’t afford himself the same privilege  tw suicide/death

and everytime i think of him i cant help but think about how lonely he must have been at that moment. Sometimes its just one simple spur of the moment thought that makes people do it and then they’re thankful someone came and saved them in the knick of time and then they live long, good lives and it just makes me sad and angry that this didnt happen to him that he stood there in that moment and whether he was afraid or not he still went through with it and i cant even image how painful it must have been... and even the hours and days and weeks leading up until that moment, was he ever happy? sometimes there are things in life that can be that spark to make you keep going, and i see so many of those things in his life but obviously the pain was too great.  i guess the sunset makes me angry because i know it means he’s just getting colder and there won’t be any warmth in that body anymore and whether you believe in heaven or a second life or anything of that kind i feel like it doesnt matter because of how final it all is. 

And there’s a certain kind of..dissonance to all that i see of him and what he did. I’ve watched funny videos of him to make myself feel better, to see him happy and laughing and making others laugh but then as soon as it ends i am struck with the though of him killing himself and i can’t stop shaking. such a beautiful person shouldn’t ever be related to such horrific acts this never should have happened to him

i find it harder when someone you hear the voice of everyday, see so many times is the one to go, because their presence is so normal and you feel like you’ve taken advantage of it. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of it. I’m not really a mourning person, death hasn’t really touched my life and when my grandma died i didnt cry. i guess i was really young and couldn’t quite understand death at that time, but now with jonghyun the years of my life that i spent knowing him were some of the hardest, and losing him has ben like losing some of the ground underneath that i stand on and i can’t pick myself up I still can’t believe it. I’m the kind of person that actively seeks out information on these things, it seems self destructive but i would rather look at things on my own terms than be caught off guard by a stray facebook post i never wanted to see.  And there’s so many regrets i have and so many thoughts that i can’t stop thinking about at the same time. I keep thinking about how much pain he must have been in at that moment, i think of his sister and how much she has to carry with her now for the rest of her life, i think about the possibility of how if they had just been that bit faster maybe he’d still be here, i keep thinking about shinee and when they must have last saw jonghyun, what did they say? was it something they regretted?, how they’ll make it through the next days, months, years, i think of his mother and everything she must be feeling. I just have so many thoughts and each one is worse than the next but then i think about my role in it all and i cant help it. I think about how i was studying while he killed himself, how i had a slight headache when they found him, how i was probably laughing at a joke somewhere across the city while this was all happening. I wonder why i dismissed going to his concert when i had the chance, “nah, i’ll wait till the full shinee concert” and think did i take him for granted? i loved him, but did i love him enough?  And to say you ‘love’ someone in this context is so strange, because theyre not directly part of youre life and yet you feel so close to them. For a long time i loved how he helped me when i needed it, i loved how funny he was in his dopey silly way, i loved his voice and the emotion that flowed through it, i loved his smile that i thought “i want to see this, up close someday”, i love how incredibly intelligent he was and i always thought i’d found someone i could look up to and strive to be like. I loved the love he gave to others, including myself, but i feel selfish for taking everything he had to give and leaving him empty. I didn’t want to write this in past tense, but i guess i had to. Seeing things like death date on his profile makes everything so surreal. I think “but, this can’t happen to him, it’s jonghyun” or “there must be some mistake”. I look at the words “died” over and over and over again until i cry and cry and then i look away only to look back again and do the same. It still doesn’t feel real, it feels real and yet it doesn’t I want to be positive like other people have, and say that i’m happy for the time that he was in my life. But i can’t help but think of what he was going through at this time. It feels like i had years and years to do something, anything, but i know this what out of my hands which makes me feel worse and helpless. I really am not the kind of person to write things like this at all. Again, i never understood why people did this when celebrities died but now i know. i know too well. My heart aches in ways i never thought it would and even with how much i’ve said it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what i’m feeling.  I also hate being here, its the first time that i’ve truly hated being in seoul. I didnt want to go outside because all i could see is the snow that came down yesterday and it reminded me of him, i don’t want to see people going on with their lives, i don’t want to see the daily routine of things and time passing by. I feel like i can just shut myself in my room and grieve in my own space because thats the only way i know how to cope. But when i look out my window, and i see the road near my house, and i know that if i followed that road, if i just kept following it and all of it twists and different streets then i know i would end up where he is, where they all are, and i just which i wasnt constantly aware of its existence.  Some part of me wants to go there, to just stand outside so theres some kind of finality and closure but i don’t know if that would make it worse. i dont know what will make it better. i dont know what ‘it’ is but whatever it is it hurts.  This is a kind of shock i’ve never experienced, and i’m trying hard to validate my feelings. i’m trying to take care of myself but who knew that would be so difficult too? I guess my main feelings right now are anger and fear. Anger for the pain he was in all these years, anger for what he felt he had to do to himself, anger at everyone and everything, rational or irrational i am just angry. And i fear what comes next. I’m scared of all the things people have to say, i’m scared of the funeral to come, i’m scared of turning the tv on and seeing the news and becoming acutely aware of the reality of it all, i’m scared about what lives will be like after this, i’m scared of my own feelings and how to cope with them.  Obviously things get better with time, but not for everyone. I admit i’m a sensitive person, i often think and cry about the day my dog will die because of how old he is and how much he means to me. So i wonder now that i will be part of the unfortunate category of people that never recover from these things. and you might think “i know you’re hurting right now, and that’s why you feel this way. but give it time and you’ll look back at yourself and just feel sad that you felt this way”. But i know myself, and i know my feelings. I know how things affect me, and i felt this, and still feel it, so deep inside myself that i don’t think it will go away anytime soon.  I wonder when i will stop crying, or i at least wonder when i will be able to function properly. I’m aware that i could fall back into mild depression, i’m at a dangerous point where this incident is combined with the fact that i have most of my major exams and i can’t fail them but with what im feeling i havent been able to do anything and i just feel like i cant muster enough of my energy to care. How have i preoccupied the entire 10 or so hours ive been awake with nothing but thought of him? with nothing but tears for him? It’s sadder now knowing when these things happened, when i was on the brink or at my lowest i always turned to him, and to shinee. i guess its ironic now.  This is so dumb and emotional but i just want to scream!!! and cry and weep and sob and i have to get it out otherwise it just hurts too much. The words ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’ i’ve used too much i know but until i have better words to describe what i’m feeling, what has happened, then i’ll be using them

Remember 1of1? it feels kind of cruel now to think they went off a concept based solely on them being a whole unified unit of 5. 

5.

5. 

Is it karma? to think that while jonghyun was suffering, and i was taking his voice and his music and his thoughts and feelings with me and using them for my own gains, that the only thing i was ever thinking was “i hope shinee never disbands. I don’t know what i’d do without them. i’m so so scared of that day, what would i do after that?”. It seems so small now. I was scared of how i would feel when they parted ways but still lives long happy lives, so now my feelings are so beyond that that im struggling to conceptualise them. It’s difficult for people with mental health issues. We invest our feelings in things that we think will help us through hard times, and even as i think about it i dont think there was anything else that i invested my feelings in. it was always shinee. Theres a certain kind of joy you feel when you engage with things that comfort you thats unlike anything else, its like a big sigh or exhale of breathe and a feeling that you can just forget about everything and just be in the moment with them. Jonghyun always made me feel that way, no matter what.

I’m still trying to express the magnitude of what i feel right now but i can’t..... i would probably type for hours but it still won’t cut it. I see pictures of his face and i have mixed reactions because i know hes gone but i feel like he isnt. I see his pictures everyday, so how is today any different? my brain can’t comprehend the difference and i’m scared about what will happen when it does. 

But i won’t feel stupid anymore for how i’m feeling. It’s justified, and its justified for everyone else. I just wish other people could see that so i didnt feel so alone

I don’t want to say goodbye. Even typing that i feel silly, but i just wish he knew how loved he was. I want to pick myself up and imagine him in a better place somehow but its hard. I want to look at the sunset again and not find it so incredibly terrifying, i want to walk outside again and not have to think about how you’ll never have the feeling of the cold on your fingers when the wind gets too strong, or how you’ll never see the snow fall again and settle on the trees, or how you’ll never see that sunset and think “what a good day it was to live”. Why is it so unfair that i have to see these things and know you never will again.

I loved him so much, i love him so much. and i’m so so so sorry for absolutely everything. i’m so incredibly sorry. I hope you feel better now and know so many people love you, i love you i love you You did well.

[eversweet-imagines]

Mine - a Peter Parker/ Spiderman imagine

Woah two Tom Holland imagines in one day! Ya girl got a new obsession.

“Hey Pete! It’s Y/N…but you already knew that because your phone probably said you had a voicemail from me… and like 20 texts…because thats how phones work… haha… Anyways I was just calling to see if you were still coming for our movie night tonight. You kinda bolted from school today and yesterday… aaaand the day before that so I haven’t really had the chance to make sure you were still on. Yeah, um call me or text me.” Y/N paced around the floor of her room, her had running through her hair as she stared at her phone after pressing the end call button. 

Y/N and Peter had been best friends since diapers. And Ned of course, but Y/N and Peter were inseparable. She plopped her self down on the edge of her bed, a heavy sigh escaping her lips and she glanced around her room, her eyes landing on a set of Photo Booth pictures of her and Peter each one more silly than the one before. She grinned as she picked them up, holing them gently in her fingers as though they would shatter under her touch. Things had been so different lately, her parents were constantly fighting and slamming doors and leaving and Peter had been seemingly avoiding her like the plague when she had needed him most. 

She pressed Ned’s name on her phone, hopping Peter was with him and that maybe he had just forgotten his phone or something. But to no avail, Ned was ignoring her also. She tossed her phone across the room with a groan. “I guess friend night is just for you and me now.” Y/N said to her dog who was curled up at the bottom of her bed before pressing play, turning the volume up to drown out the sounds of her parents screaming.

“Ned you can’t tell anyone.” Peter stared at his friend who already was beginning to lose his shit. Peters phone began to ring yet again in his pocket, he let it continue to ring while and New continued to talk. Ned phone began to ring only a moment later, the ringer specifically picked out for when Y/N called echoing In the room.

“Does Y/N know?” Ned asked and Peters eyes widened. He shook his head quickly. “No she doesnt. And she never will. After everything she has been through lately she can’t know that people try to kill me everyday. I’m pretty sure t would give her a heart attack."Peter couldn’t bare the thought of hurting Y/N. She was his person, at least that’s what he liked to call her, if anything happened to her it would kill him. He already felt bad enough ignoring her and leaving her hanging so often but he couldn’t risk it. 

 Y/N leaned her head inside her locker, sniffling away the tears she had been crying all night and morning. Her dad had completely abandoned her and her mom. Packed everything and left them screaming nonsense. Her mom couldn’t handle it and left Y/N to go drink and didn’t return home. She had tried to reach out to Peter and of course was sent directly to voicemail. Y/N reached her hands up, forcefully rubbing them over her tear stained face. With a deep breath she slammed her locker shut. Peter and Ned stood on the other side of the door both with cheesy grins plastered on their faces. The grins quickly fell as they saw how Y/N looked, no makeup which never happened, puffy red eyes, tear stained cheeks and stain covered baggy sweatshirt drowning her already small frame.

“Y/N.. you look..” Peter stared.

“Awful.” Ned finished. Y/N rolled her eyes shoving past the two, hitting them both with her shoulders. 

“Definitely the way to any girls heart. Tell her she looks awful.” MJ leaned against the wall near them staring as though she had been there the whole time. The two looked at her for a moment before quickly turning to go and catch up with Y/N.

“Y/N waits whats wrong?”  Peter ran quickly and grabbed her hand, pulling her into an empty classroom and shutting the door before Ned could come in. He had a feeling this was something just the two of them needed to talk about. Y/N stared ahead at the empty chairs, not turning to Peter who stood behind her. Tears threatened her eyes once more and she took in a shaky breath. “please… you can tell me anything… Its me." 

 Y/N let out a sad and sarcastic laugh. She could feel her anger building up inside of her the closer Peter got to her. She turned on her heel and looked him in the eye. "Anything? I can't tell you jack shit! You haven't been here for weeks Peter! You bolt the second the final bell rings and when I talk to you during school you are always staring at the clock or your phone." 

 "Y/N I can explain! It's the internship I- I have been waiting for a really big call and it takes up all my time!" Peter begged. But Y/N just shook her head an annoyed smile plastered on her lips honestly scaring Peter. “I thought you were happy about me having the internship!”

 "Would you just shut up about that stupid Internship!!" Y/N screamed, Peter stepping back slightly. " you aren't listening to a word I say! I can't tell you anything because you don't listen! If you actually cared you would have actually listened to me and been there for me when I needed you Pete! And I fucking needed you. If you even cared a little bit you would have been there. But you weren't, so clearly you don't. You have completely shut me out Peter. If you want to end it and not be my friend any more please just end it instead of dragging me along like this because I can't take it anymore." Y/N wasn't even trying to hold back her tears at this point.

“Y/N... Please...” He reached out to her, they were standing so close yet they had never felt so far apart. 

“No Peter. If you won't do it then I will. Don't talk to me ever again, its the least you can do.” She sniffled, wiping her tears away before walking out of the room, walking past Ned and MJ and walking straight out the school doors. Peter stood frozen in his spot, silent tears slipping down his cheek as he stared at the empty space where his best friend and the love of his life had been standing just moments before. He was at a loss of words, the only sound filling the room was that of his heart breaking. He was so worried about hurting Y/N because of being Spiderman that he didn't realize how much he himself had been hurting her. 

Peter sat on the rough of the apartment building across from Y/N’s home, he could see the window he had snuck into countless of times before to Y/N’s room, the flickering of a candle as the only light coming from the room. Her curtains blew slightly in from the light breeze that was blowing through her wide open window. He hadn't seen or heard from Y/N the rest of the day no matter how many times he called her and looked around the city for her. He ripped his mask from his face feeling suffocated suddenly. He let so stupid for being so blind to how she had been feeling. Its not like she didn't reach out to him, he was just so caught up in everything that he flat out ignored it. He could hear her mom yelling something at Y/N from where he was sat followed by a loud slam and her mom storming out of the townhouse with a large packed bag. This was his chance, slipping his mask back on he slung his web to attach to her roof, swinging down to land outside of her window.

“Fuck you too mom.” Y/N spoke with no emotion as she closed the door to her room, leaning against it and letting her body slide down it to be sitting on the floor in front of it.

“Now thats no way to talk to your mom.” Y/N’s gaze shut up as she stood quickly, Her eyes grew wide as she stared at The Spider-Man standing in the middle of her room. “Now I know what your thinking and no I'm not here to put you in jail or anything for using that language. I had heard from my pal Peter through the Stark Internship that his best friend Y/N was having a tough time and that he was a complete dumb ass. I figured I would come and try to patch things up. I hear you are a fairly big fan of me.” He stepped closer to her as she stood still, her mouth dropping open in disbelief. “Close your mouth sweetheart,  it would be a shame if a bug hereto fly in here.” He laughed slightly as he reached his finger up to gently lift her jaw and caress her cheek for a moment. 

“This can't be real life.” Y/N shook her head quickly, pacing slightly in front of him. “I must be dreaming. Or I finally died, jeez that was a bit morbid...” Peter chuckled in front of her and her attention was drawn back to Spider-Man again. A small smile on her lips.

“What?” He asked as she stared at him.

“Oh nothing, you just..  your giggle sounds a lot like Peter’s. I love his little laugh.” She smiled as she bit her lip, thinking of all the times she had heard him let out his stupid little giggle. 

“Sounds like you love a lot more than his laugh.” Spiderman pushed stepping close to her once more.

“What? I mean- oh hell this is all a dream anyways so I might as well just say it. Yeah I love everything about Peter. I love him more than anyone or anything in this world. Thats why it hurt so much. Because no matter how much I say I hate him or how much he hurt me,I will always love him. I know he was just so caught up in the amazing Internship he got. I mean its his future, And I know how much it means to him. I know I was just being selfish. I think I will always be in love with him.” Y/N sighed as she sat on the edge her bed, playing with her chipped paint on her finger nails.

“Well... I know how hard it was for you to tell me that secret. Can I let you in on my own big secret before I give you some advice on what you just said?” Peter was trying his hardest to not stumble over his words, he knew what he said didn't make the most sense but the love of his life just admitted she loved him too. Y/N glanced up at him her eyes shining with tears. 

“Go for it.” Peter took a deep breath as he reached his hand up, grabbing the top of his mask and pulling it off. Y/N’s eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of her face as she stood up and looked at Peter who had a small smirk on his lips. 

“I’ll always be in love with you too.” Peter said as he closed the distance between the two, pulling Y/N against him and connecting their lips in a passionate kiss. The two finally pulled away as Y/N continued to stare at him her brain unable to think of anything to say.

“This is why I have been so distant, I couldn't risk you getting hurt from knowing but I was so caught up in that that I didn't see how badly I was actually hurting you.” Peter admitted. Y/N reached up and punched him on the shoulder with all her strength. He jerked back slightly, his arm reaching up to nurse the light ache.

“Thats for being an asshole.” Y/N said sternly. She reached up again, Peter flinching and closing his eyes only to be pleasantly surprised when Y/N was kissing him once more.

“What was that one for?” 

“Thats for being my asshole.”

[bun-writes-things]

Click [Chp8] Bullet Proof

AFF Link 

“Of course,” He says staying low, eyes closed. It was hard...so hard but the demon was smart and would sniff out the lie in an instant if he messed up.

“However I do hope that next time you won’t go above me. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir…”

The mere sight of a cocky young female made him frown. From her blonde hair and sharp hawklike eyes to the full of her pouty red lips, the young woman seemed almost  green around the gills for Ace, but he knew not to underestimate. “Who are you?” “See that’s none of your concern. My concern is of the two fugitives you are hiding. The hit is off, it’s mine now,” She purrs, a gun pulled out. Minho took no chances to let her shoot, bringing out his own pistol and letting off six consecutive rounds, to which the female only dodges, returning her own rounds of fire while avoiding the bullets from the red haired pretty boy. “Who are you?” Ace asked, eyes narrowed as he lands a shot, the female growling when the left leg gives out. With the other down Minho moved to restrain her, arms pinned and his tail wrapped tightly around the oozing mass of blood pooling from the bullet wound. “Ji…” She says finally. “I was hired by Chun –Yan to oversee that you don’t kill the targets. They are not yours anymore and we will take them,” was the hissed threat. At that moment a shorter male enters, mixed by the looks of it… “Oh Xiumin there you are, a little help?” BANG. For a few seconds there was a deafening silence as the body slumped forward, brain matter splattering the floor. By now cops had been called, and Minho knew they had to escape. They couldn’t be caught. “You have twenty seconds for us to all escape before the cops show up. Here’s the deal: Come with us, bring the fugitives, we’ll provide you safety back to Seoul and erase the data captured on the security feed. In exchange we will take the Lee twins and house them until further notice. As far as Ravi would be concerned: You two succeeded. We can talk about where the disk is with all the research later. Do we have deal? We have ten seconds left now.” From the bedroom Eunsook listened, the door cracked open at the sound of gun fire. At first she wanted to go out, but a light touch to her back stopped her and so along with her brother she listened, took in the words. The hit was off? It seemed too good to be true for the twins and Jinki just couldn’t help but frown at the whole conversation. Chun Yan helping them? Why? What reason could she have? “Should we go out?” Jinki asked. “Five seconds…” came Xiumin’s voice. “Choose Ace and Choi. Four seconds…three…” “Fine. You better hold your words,” Growled the fox. “Perfect. Follow me,” He smirks before moving to the balcony, giving a shot of his gun. From the distance a koud sound could be heard a small chopper came closer.  “All aboard~” He laughs, climbing onto the rope ladder that lowered while the other’s followed.

Almost immediately as soon as they were all in the chopper Xiumin smiled at them, positively beaming because ho ho ho he managed to convince two of the hardest assassins to his cause for the moment. This, in itself he feels, was a victory to be celebrated however it seemed he alone was the one grinning, for Taemin was currently stone faced and anxious. He didn’t like how warm the other’s smile seemed, made him feel things he didn’t want to think of at the moment. Reminded him of what Minho’s warmth felt like, how he was so triumphant like a cat who got the bird. A feeling of normalcy as if proud and it made Taemin freak out. Apparently he was not alone, at least in the feeling of being annoyed. Minho was as well but unlike the other Minho felt more concerned than anything. Without much thinking the fox’s thick, luxurious tail laid across the younger’s lap, said boy immediately began to stroke it, the action not unnoticed by either Eunsook or Jinki. In fact it solidified on Eunsook’s end her annoyance and contempt for Key for even bringing the younger into all this.

It felt as if an eternity had passed before Jimin’s sweet voice filtered through:

“We’re almost there. Anyway hopefully if things go well Ms. Chun-Yan will have it all taken care of. You get your live’s, we get the info and you don’t worry about death for failing~~”

“Exactly what does she have in mind, Xiumin?” Jinki asked softly, drawing Taemin from his anxious state. God he loved that honey voice.

“Suga, my boss, has been eyeing up Ravi’s spot for awhile and Chun-Yan has a vendetta against him. In exchange for your lives and information, Ravi get’s displaced, Suga get’s in and again you get to go free. No death. No hit. Simple yeah?”

Good as it sounded Eunsook couldn’t quite stop the nagging doubt in the back of her mind. How could Ravi give up his power easily? As if reading her thought’s the pilot chuckled.

“Chun-Yan knows how to dismantle from the inside out, why else would she and Tao be in cahoots with eachother? He’s the one who sent us, Chun-Yan is the one whose working with that pretty little incubus Key and the little pupper Jonghyun~”

“Mmhm, Nammi is right, as of right now if things go to plan then you, my little captives, will be perfectly safe for the rest of your days. After all you all owe a debt to Chunnie and Tao and as long as things go well you will never need or worry~ so trust in us.”

Taemin snorts, rolling his eyes as his fingers moved more fanatically through the silver fur. This wasn’t right. This couldn’t be happening. Live without fear? The hit was off? No consequence for failing? To much. This had to be a bad joke right?

“Lies. We’ll be killed regardless. No one does anything for the good of others. Who's to say Suga wouldn’t just want us to disappear once he has the seat of power? You expect us to believe we will be safe???”

He felt cheated, as if suddenly his whole life and way of being was a joke. Out of concern for the younger Jinki shifted, moved to the other and placed a gentle hand to his knee, under the tail. The touch calmed him and he wandered exactly what happened to him, what happened to minho for him to be so protective. Something in their past...he felt it. Something needed to be found out, but for now his life and his twin’s life were in the hands of others.

“For now, regardless if this will work or not we need to have faith...as it is I rather enjoy being alive...and not dead,” Jinki quips, eyes trained to the redhaired assassin who still held his life in their hands. After all who's to say even if they are safe the other doesnt follow through? It would ensure the greedy child wouldn’t have to share him…

Still though Jinki couldn’t quite figure out what Taemin was. It was as if the other could make him do whatever he pleased, as if his emotions and thoughts were not his own, but he also worried for his sister, who has seem to taken the Fox’s attention in more than a prey and predator.

“See? Even the cute one gets it. Now then we’re almost to the safe building so enjoy the ride!”

----

Ravi felt a slight annoyance when he saw Key in his office. First his boytoy vampire is taken and now this incubus is here.

“This better be good.”

Moments seemed to stretch on forever as he breathes in deep through the nose. It was never a simple thing to just waltz into the office of the Demon but regardless he had to play his part. With Jjong taking Leo out it was easier to seduce the other, to use him for the Chinese bitch. He didn’t like her, never did but this was for Eunsook and he would do anything. It’s funny the prospect of actually loosing her made him remember why he wanted to get to Leo’s spot: To protect her.

“The two have found the targets. Last I heard of them they were going in for the kill. No word has been recieved. As I trusted Leo,” A lie, “to keep Jjong in place,” another lie. “I asked if he could accompany Jonghyun to Shanghai where the targets were. To report back as the two have gone silent and have not contacted me. I realize of course I should have asked you, however I grew worried after all we need that information and they were not answering.”

The lie was rehersed an easy slip of the tongue as he bows low in respect...in forgiveness for not getting permission. He expected a harsh voice and instead was treated to a softer one...an appraising tone.

“This is true, you should have come to me right away, however your quick thinking should be rewarded. There is a reason I assigned you to this. After all given your history with Eunsook and her brother, it was easy enough to make the decision. You of all people know the importance of protecting the humans from things beyond their control through any means needed.”

“Of course,” He says staying low, eyes closed. It was hard...so hard but the demon was smart and would sniff out the lie in an instant if he messed up.

“However I do hope that next time you won’t go above me. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir…”

He had to act now, had to do it. As he stands the brown eyes fade into an ice blue, black hair becoming a shocking pink. A glance at the camera and he knew...he knew the other was watching.

“Hmn?”

“I hope that you will forgive me, but I have to do this...for Eunsook… SUGA NOW!” From behind a door is blasted apart and Ravi narrows his eyes.

“What is this?”

“Your end. It’s about time I take back my rightful place. Let’s go Ravi...you and me.”

“Bring it wolf.”

---

“Tao…”

“Yeah chun?”

“Promise me Mei will be safe?”

“I give you my word. She will become an excellent huntress. After all the north will never turn down such raw talent. Consider our deal closed. The rest I leave to you. Bye  bye my dear Chun-Yan~”

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him