#but anyway they have convos sometimes where i'm just like. in awe

[mangostarjam]

my friends are so fucking smart and cool and kind

[autistook]

AITA 🔞

So a few months ago a person I know through work that I was becoming friends with asked me out, I turned him down and it was fine. He was sometimes a bit draining because he kept telling me how much he hates himself, how sad he was if I didnt want to hang out or talk all the time, and I told him I feel uncomfortable talking 247 because I need my own space, that I'm not that social. He had our chat open at all times and it felt a little uncomfortable so I asked him about it, and he told me in kind of a shaming way that he has no other friends so he has to talk to me, but otherwise he seemed to understand. I did ask him to not do it because it made me feel pressured to see him read our chats immediately. I felt like I had to answer him immediately and it was overwhelming. He seemed to understand and changed his behavior.

Now.

He was drinking pretty excessively and used 400€ on alcohol in two days.

Now, I grew up with alcoholic parents, and I told him his excessive usage is making me worried and uncomfortable, especially considering he kept complaining about his financial situation. He told me he went to a food-aid thing and kept using money for alcohol.

Now, considering I also had drank excessively last year (because I had that partying phase like 5 years late) and because of all my trauma I saw where it was going and told him I didn't want to be in contact, told him my worries and that I can't deal with this energy in my mental state. Told him to contact me when he hopefully drinks less, that then I'll be all good to hang out again.

One day he messaged me "pretty hypocritical of you to call me out on drinking when you're drinking as well!" when he saw me and my friends having one drink per person in our regular bar where we play board games often, not even necessarily drinking anything with alcohol most of the time. He was apparently there in some corner as well.

I told him that I don't really appreciate his attacking me when I expressed my concern for him and my boundaries. He kept comparing my last years drinking and shaming me for it and telling me it's unfair of me to not want to be in contact and to call him out on his drinking if 'I've been the same way'. I told him that I never prioritized alcohol over food and that even if I did, I would have more the reason to stay away from that behavior to not relapse if it ever went that bad, and more the reason to express my concern if I saw the pattern repeat on someone I care for.

I also told him I had talked to my friends of how he talked to me on the matter and how even they were worried. He brushed it off.

Then he went: "Well, you went to fuck some random dude!"

Now, I had told him I do sex work sometimes. Very rarely, just a few times and its always been the same man and only when I'm financially struggling and need to eat and pay bills. Even if it was more often, who cares. It's just work.

I felt like he was slut shaming, so I called him out, wished him the best and finished the convo by saying "and fuck you :)" and blocked him.

Was I the asshole for this 😭 I feel kinda awful (been a few months and a few days ago I saw him at my job). Anyway, I kept feeling attacked when I was genuinely worried and tried to keep myself safe from an enviroment I saw as toxic and possibly harmful.

He is a very low self esteem personality and I feel bad for telling him to fuck off, but I felt really shamed and hurt for the comment he made on my sex work. I also felt like he completely disregarded my boundaries.

[youremyheaven]

i am so here for the mercurial slander omg. i had the displeasure of being friends with a mercury-ketu girl who was genuinely unhinged and extremely immature. like i'd say something completely innocuous and she'd sit on it for like two days and then i'd receive like 4 paragraphs of her chewing me out just because she misunderstood something i said

the other two mercurials i know (free me) are the biggest yappers i've ever met. one of them would literally send upwards of 150 messages to our group chat daily of just a never ending stream of thoughts, which was annoying in and of itself, but the real issue was that she'd yap endlessly and never read any of our messages or ask how we were doing. i've noticed this theme a lot with mercurials where they just use people as a sounding board and forget to even ask how your day was before the yap fest begins

😭😭😭😭 sister,, I can tell the pain is fresh because you did not hold back 💀🫡

Using other people as a sounding board is soooo TRUEEE OMG 😭😭ILL SCREAM

my former friend, Revati Moon who ghosted me for 3yrs came back into my life last year and from the way she spoke about her circumstances I knew that she was alone and just wanted company lmao but I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt anyway and what followed was a huge lesson in trusting my gut and not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt 😮‍💨💀🤡 I was her unpaid therapist and soundboard for several months. The conversations were often too long for comfort or she'd go on one of her rampages about how awful people are (Mercurials are unfairly critical of others, have you noticed?) and she frequently took digs at me and was one of those people who make jokes at the expense of others. I had to reallyyyy hold my tongue bc she was clearly at fault in half of the situations she's describing and i couldn't stand how she was always putting down absolutely everybody she spoke about.

I'd have to come up with lies or sometimes I'd pretend the call dropped or something bc 😭 7hrs is too many hrs to be talking to someone night after night (and the conversations are majorly heavy or unpleasant) i felt like she thought I owed her my time unless I had a "valid excuse"

during these months, she'd go on trips and I'd be as good as dead to her in this period. Once she was home and bored again, the calls would restart.

she said something awful to me and I stopped talking to her and maybe a month later after she said some other awful thing, i confronted her and she started shouting at me saying she's been mad at me all along for not talking to her 💀💀💀💀 which

a) isn't true (I texted her like 2 days after the first incident and she didn't respond to it --- she shouted at me saying she wanted me to call her???)

b) she literally said something godawful to me which made me want to not talk to her???

Needless to say, that "confrontation" was a spectacular display of Mercurial manipulation. I asked her why she was so goddamn mean to me and she said "I don't think this conversation is helping either of us, I'm sorry, now let's move on"

🤡😭😭 and I asked her about incident 2 and she said she's used to being around people (read: men) who bully each other playfully and that she wasn't used to my "sensitivity" (for context: I sent her a semi nude picture and she told me my shorts looked too tight around the waist and that looking at my "realistic" body helped her feel seen bc she's used to seeing photoshopped women and went on to compare both herself and me to our friends who are more petite 🤡)

After almost a year of being her unpaid therapist, she once interrupted me telling her something and told me to "wrap it up quickly" 😭😭😭 (the audacity) like she didn't gaf about what I had to say unless it soothed her ego somehow lol

As if all of this wasn't enough, I decided to call her a month ago, even though by this point we hadn't talked for over 2 ish months and she ended the convo 2 mins in saying she'll call me back and never did.

The way Mercurials exploit others to just bitch and whine and yap needs to be studied

Everything you said about your friend, I can also relate to (unfortunately)

Most Mercurials are friendless or have superficial friendships and tbh it makes sense bc they make it really hard for others to stay friends with them 😭 sorry to say it

[euroquision]

EuroQuision is no longer active (...sort of)

Hello friends! It has been only 5 days since I've had to peace the f*ck out of Twitterland, the odorous theme park with more bots than Disney has animatronics. After making the mistake of trying to speak critically of all presidential options and instead emphasizing the relevance of local and state elections, my once-reliable and loveably problematic community turned full Blue Conservative and came to the following conclusions about me in a span of 48 hours:

I'm a Russia-sympathizer / trying to spread pro-Russia propaganda

I do not care about the rights of any woman, non-white person, or queer/trans citizen of the US

I want Tr*mp to win the election

And all in all ppl agreeing that I was at one time bearable, but now am just annoying and braindead

How did we come to those four conclusions? Well, points 2, 3, and 4 all came from the very act of stating I won't vote for Kamala or any presidential candidate and will only instead focus my online discussion on politics about local and state elections. Point number 1 was because I also had the *audacity* to suggest Jill Stein as a 3rd party candidate after so many Liberal followers of mine kept complaining for "another option if you hate Kamala so much." Little did I know that Jill Stein has said and done some pretty Russia-sympathetic things in the past. But even though I did not know this whatsoever until July 23rd, people took that and ran, saying I'm a Russia supporter or propagating for them. Now, the very fact that people who have followed me for YEARS could think that's suddenly true really tells me what kind of "crowd" we're dealing with on Twitter. Despite the fact the twitter eurofan community has on-record been wonderful, welcoming, proactive, and geopolitically aware, I'm reminded that no community is going to be perfect, and the kind of political discussions I have with people in the world is not the convo Twitter eurofans want to have. So even though my feelings were deeply hurt and I legitimately mourned the loss of what I wanted to continue being a growing thing now being lost. But a few very smart, emotionally mature people in my life reached out to me and helped reassure me that despite the chaos, things said about me for the intention of just being awful aren't true.

Anyway, that's the only time I wanna waste talking about twitter, because I'm someone who talks my shit and stands on it too. Yeah, sometimes my shit will stink, and I can admit that when it does. I am not immune to the behavior I just faced; I've been there too dunking on people who deserve it -- like Adam or Shawn from EuroTikTok hopping the pond to tell everyone on twitter they suck and then getting mad when ppl don't like that and dunk on them back. However, on a topic like this and with so much deliberate misunderstanding fueling the snide indignation from people who would've called me "bestie" a day earlier feels *different.* So different to the point where I legitimately considered wiping EuroQuision from the internet. But I chose not to, and here's why!

First, I think there needs to be as much tangible, shareable evidence of public scrutiny of systems of power that are corrupt, and that goes for the ridiculous circus that is Eurovision. Ppl will be so quick to call it "unserious" while ignoring countries put millions of dollars into this every year. Last I checked, gov'ts don't pour money like that into something "unserious." There's a reason Eurovision is as big as it is and how the inclusion of "Israel" is so monumentally complicated. So I want the internet, for as long as possible, to be something that can contain the evidence of people saying "I disagree with the EBU's decisions about these world events. I disagree with their treatment of colonized populations and prioritizing of safeguarding European/White optics and feelings throughout its entire history." And even though good things have genuinely come from ESC's existence (globalization, musical/cultural expression, Ukraine's 2016 win, etc), we can see ESC 2024 itself as an example how in the bubble of ESC, the show itself will only let you remember the good parts. No live show will E V E R dare to show the footage of HATARI in the 2019 televote, and we know the EBU will deplatform their own Eric Saade for *gasp!* having a scarf on his wrist. ESC history is *revisionist* history, and the crowd on twitter only seems to be temporarily concerned about that.

So yeah, inevitably I came to the conclusion that every human must come to: Twitter ain't it, like goddamn. But I'm only here to say that once and move on with my life because despite my final tweet and deactivation of my Patreon, EuroQuision is NOT gone and will not actually be stopping. Consider this a shift in scope and purpose, along with reprioritizing my real life responsibilities. Firstly, about the Patreon: I deactivated it and more than likely will not make another in the future purely because I know that in the future, EQ cannot keep up the production schedule needed to make what I wanted to make and promise to deliver to people like I want. Most importantly, I want to create things for EQ without the additional pressure of trying to cultivate, retain, and reward a growing audience when I know I won't be able to maintain that long term. This way there's less pressure on myself, and I will develop a better relationship with it all.

So, what's EuroQuision gonna be now? Well, it's not really gonna be a "fan" account, mostly considering I have no reason to be a "fan" or Eurovision from here on out/until some drastic changes are made. Instead, I wanna continue being a wide variety of things: musical analyst, historian, fun-fact-provider, overall nerd, and most of all: Protester. To put it into context: I currently have two YouTube video essays; one about the boycott, and one about nightcore. Even though I deeply love both videos and am proud of the effort I put into them, I can easily say which one was worth the time and effort. No shame to my Nightcore roots, but I think the more "important" topics are going to be what I dedicate my YouTube real estate to in the future. On that note, I'll also be on tumblr and reddit much more! I truly love writing and discussing Eurovision at length, and not over quips and punches in the form of 200-ish character tweets. I have too much to say and we can also see the ways communication is truncated by-design thanks to Twitter, and therefore incidents like the one we went through up above are likely to happen.

I wanna end this VERY long post off with a very specific declaration of a couple things that will never change from the EQ name: Free Palestine now and forever. Free Ukraine, Sudan, Congo, EVERY country and person put in harm's way because of the American empire. I do not enable fascism to remedy fascism, and my practiced ethics will always prioritize my community, my family, and the people around the world my elected leaders tell me I should hate. I will continue to donate 100% of my TikTok revenue and possible YouTube revenue to Palestinian relief funds. I do not support the financial or social support/apologism of the EBU.

Anyway, I think I covered all my bases, and if you're someone who disagrees with any stance or belief I've stated in this thesis (lol), kindly just allow yourself to unfollow/not engage with me. Tumblr and Reddit will be around for my ramblings and theories. As for YouTube, I can tell you now that I have a LARGE video essay in the works right now. Literally NO idea when it'll be done/released, but it exists! Thank you for being here, if you still choose to do so!

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw

It's been years and I (f19) still can't talk or think about it for longer times without shaking. I've told quite a few peopleby now and sharing feels good but I wish I could take it back. I hate that I no longer have control about my memories once I've shared them. I am already shaking rn and I want to get over it. I feel my gaze kind of zonig out? Like my pupils are focused on a point that doesn't necessarily exist and everything else fades. People walk behind me or I make eye contact with someone and I suddenly hyperfocus on everything around me, I guess I'd call it episodic hypervigilance but I think that's a ptsd term and I don't want to take that away from them? Like how people use trigger so liberally, I don't want to contribute to taking terms and estranging them from their meaning.

I feel so guilty for constantly thinking people will hurt me if they hug me for a second too long or comment on my outfit or sth. In addition, I've found myself in a fwb situation 1.5 years ago (we were 17 and 19 back then which is legal) where she choked me without asking before. Which was fine because I probably mentioned that I was into that in casual convo before and we were drunk but I was so confused that she didn't ask. I was into it but it bothered me. And after that, I just needed proof that she wanted to assault me. Which isn't fair to her. Like, she wanted to try sth once and I said no and then we had sex later and she asked again while we were having sex and in that situation I couldn't bring myself to refuse. During sex eye contact and talking is difficult for me but I haven't explicitly communicated that to her. She would have definitely accepted a no btw. And I just found myself getting rly drunk on purpose to see if she would have sex with me anyway etc. and it's so messed up and I feel awful for it. There was also another time I explicitlysaid I wasn'tgoing to have sex with her that day and she tried to initiate it like two times anyway and I very clearly said no. After that she got it and I even teased her back because a part of me wanted her to try again, to hurt me and ignore my boundaries I ended the fwb thing eventually and didn't have sex since then, not even with my bf. I kinda think I don't want to? And I definitely don't want to be cruel by just thinking they're going to hurt me. I feel awful. She didn't do anything wrong, I'm so unfair.

Things have been better until recently. I'm trying so hard to just get over it. I go weeks without really thinking about it and then suddenly I remember when I was 15 and he 22 and we talked about moving in together once I start Uni. And I wonder how things would have been if I had stated with him. Sometimes I want to text him but it's gotten a lot better & less frequent. I'm still shaking.

I have had so many nightmares that I don't wake up anymore. I usually don't remember them. When I dream journal or sth I start remembering my dreams and usually they at least have bad elements and have included sa a lot, including me sa'ing other people younger than me and I hate myself for it even if I know it's just my fear.

I haven't had those in like two years though which is amazing. Atm I never remember my dreams and I'm so glad because I don't want to but I'm also so curious?

My memory too. It is foggy and I want to know what happened to me in more detail. But this is getting way too long, sorry :( I guess I'm worried I'm an awful person and I'd just like to be okay again and idk what to do. I feel like I'm too hurt considering it was nccsa and digital. I simultaneously feel like I'm not hurt enough because I have no trauma disorders or sth so maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Trauma is confusing and I hate it.

Hello,

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of trauma responses. Dissociation, hypervigilance, toxic shame, difficulty communicating, body memories and relationship difficulties are all related to trauma responses.

Whether your psychiatrist/therapist/social worker diagnosed you with them or not. Not meeting the criteria for PTSD doesn't mean no trauma responses are happening. Personally, I might look for a provider who is more trauma-informed if this is something possible for you who might still work on your trauma story even if you don't meet PTSD criteria.

The idea that sharing the specifics of your trauma always makes you feel better is false. Being unable to talk about it without activation and feeling stressed is perfectly normal. And you can't make yourself feel it or not, it's a sign that you are having body memories.

Our bodies will react to the talking about the abuse and cause you to have things like shaking, having a dissociative response (vision changes), and yes hypervigilance. Hypervigilance doesn't only happen if you meet PTSD criteria and it very much sounds like that is what you could be experiencing. No one owns terms like dissociation, triggered or hypervigilance. Using terms incorrectly and or as a joke is when it hurts survivors and you are not doing that so you are not taking anything from anyone.

Someone choking you sexually, without explicit ongoing consent is assault. Talking about something outside of the situation and causally is not consent. Liking a sexual act when it's consented to do and talked about before, but not when it wasn't agreed to thoroughly makes sense. 

Many kink communities wouldn't even have been fine with you being there because you were seventeen. This situation was not you distrusting someone for no reason. What she did is wrong.

It also sounds like there were barriers to you fully enjoying the act, which makes sense in the context of having past sexual trauma and it sounds like you haven't fully talked through what is and isn't wanted in sexual situations. And you struggling with that makes sense, yes it can be good to talk but you're not at fault for having trauma responses during sexual acts.

I understand that things were somewhat better between you, but it does sound like you were not acting healthy. Getting drunk to try and pursue sex is definitely unhealthy behaviour, trying testing people to see what they will do is definitely harmful. It is something to be aware of and trying to get better is important. However, it doesn't make you a bad person as you are working to be better. 

Her trying to convince you to have sex after an explicit no, even if it was "only" two times is not good behaviour. I understand there was some trauma playing up and feeling like you need to be/deserve to be hurt. Her behaviour isn't then okay and you were having trauma responses. 

You are not being unfair, you were hurt in this relationship and being upset about that is normal.

Having memory issues and nightmares are both classic trauma responses. Dissociation can affect memory recall during trauma and nightmares about trauma or trauma-related content are common experiences for trauma survivors. Not being sure if you wished you remembered or not is a very common abuse survivor experience. 

Wondering what would have happened if you had taken other actions is just something common to people in general. That doesn't mean anything other than you're a person.

You can't brute force yourself better. I'm glad you have had periods of being less affected! Working on handling your trauma and working through these hard emotions can move forward to not have these episodes of worse trauma responses as well.

You are not a bad person, your pain is valid, and you deserve help and people to hold your story.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[scarrletmoon]

aw dude you really shouldnt feel guilty for blocking people. like i get why you feel that way but at the end of the day this is fandom, you have a life outside of this and you’re not obligated to expose yourself to bad takes or keep an open channel of communication for any strangers online. ESPECIALLY when it sounds like ur mostly blocking a bunch of white ppl who get rlly defensive abt izzy hands?? like there’s smthng to be said abt having respectful discussions w ppl u disagree with but when it comes to fucking Blorbo Discourse there’s a point where it’s not worth the mental and emotional toll it takes to tiptoe your way through that convo. blocking someone and moving on is a perfectly civil way of interacting w ppl online that you don’t like and there shouldn’t be a negative stigma against taking that approach

thank you 😭 i know blocking isnt that deep but i was just made to feel like a shitty person for so long for not engaging with those people, or saying things they didn't like, and i HATE conflict so i tend to assume that i must be wrong and end up apologizing even if i shouldn't

it got to the point where like, i couldn't have productive conversations about racism in a fandom that i thought would actually be receptive to it, and i've decided that if someone's starting to assume shit about me (like 2 days ago when someone accused me of dismissing domestic violence??) i'm just going to block bc it's not actually my job to teach white people not to be racist. they're not children.

anyway, messages like this are helpful b sometimes i need a reminder that i'm not actually delusional for feeling something Off in an interaction with someone

[cherrypeaking]

good morning my love~ 🥺🥺🩵 i hope you slept well! i missed you >3< ~ 🩵

it's so funny that coming back to talk to each other on tumblr feels like coming home hehe 🥺🩵 no matter how janky and irritating this app may be, it'll always feel like home because you're here and it's where we started~ 🥺🥺🩵🩵

dinner was such a mess tonight, we were supposed to have steak but they hadn't defrosted completely so my dad told me to make the chicken that i was saving for lunch this week instead 🥲 so i made the chicken and accidentally burnt it a little 😭 luckily it was still a little salvageable despite that,, but then my dad burnt the rice we were having on the side sjhgjshgh that wasn't as salvageable unfortunately but we ate it anyway it had a very..... unique, smoky flavor... so then i decided to make a salad for the chicken instead but no one else wanted it except me. my dad politely declined the salad but he was giving me the stink eye 😭😭 he should've known i wasn't about to eat that crusty burnt rice.... it was so bad 😭😭😭 i was scared about hurting his feelings since he takes things like that personally but i really tried my best to eat it. it was AWFUL 😭

ugh i have to do so much adult stuff this week i hate ittt -_- but as long as i remember that i'm doing this for you, it'll be okay 🥺🥺 i'll stand in the longest lines in the dmv and deal with getting talked down to by government workers all for you my love 🥺🩵🩵🩵

i tried so hard to come up with a good tyunkkura moodboard but none of my ideas were working out ;_; i'll have to try it again next time~ but for now have a my melo x cinnamoroll moodboard 🥺🩵🩷

i love you so so much my sweet cherry fairy 🥺🥺 you're my light, you make everything so much sweeter 🥺🥺🩵🩵 every time we talk i feel like i'm being warmed by the sun (which is funny considering i'm being a little too warmed by the sun lately with these triple digit temperatures 😭😭 but when i think about being warmed by you, i picture a nice, breezy spring day with a light breeze rustling the jasmine trees and the sun warming the tops of our heads as we lay at the park together~) i'm so in love with you baby 🥺🥺🩵🩵 sometimes i can't believe you love me too!! every time you tell me that i get full body chills >< i love you so so much my dearest cherry bonbon, my one and only dream girl 🥺🩵

(every time i write these on my laptop they get suuuper long dhjhsg i hope you don't mind it's like once i get to my keyboard my writer instinct kicks in and i can't stop myself lol)

i missed you so much mommy i did sleep well and kept thinking about you all day 🥹🥹🩷 wait… all night 😭 so i guess i didn’t sleep that well thsbfbdbf i’m already confused hehe

for real i love coming back to tumblr to talk because it really is how it all started for us 🥺🥺 having you and checking what you post feels so peaceful for me and i’m so happy my love 🥺🩷 i still wish we could scroll back up to our very first convos cause i wanna know how it all started >< it happened so naturally that i’m just?? 👉👈🩷 i need to know~

i hate that you had to cook your chicken that you wanted to keep for your week mommy :(( and especially that no one had your salad… i’d love to have mommy’s salad 🥺🥺🩷 the fact he would get his feelings hurt for the rice but gave you the stinky eye for your salad is so… 😭

mommy you’re so strong and motivated i’m so sorry all this happened 😭😭 i’ll be there for you through it all i need to do some adult stuff too eventually >< i wanna do it for you my love… i’m in love with you mommy 🥺🥺🩷

the moodboard is adorable mommy 🥹🥹🩷 i love it so much it’s okay if you didn’t find a tyunkkura idea hehe~ maybe one day >3< i know my mommy has the best ideas~

mommyyyy 🥺🥺🥺 i love you so much 🥺🥺🩷 when i talk to you i just feel instantly better, i feel like you’re always giving me a soft and gentle embrace and that’s what i always need the most 🥺 i just feel so comfortable with you my love 🥺🥺 i still can’t believe i’m yours and you’re mine 👉👈🩷 i still can’t believe you love me back and yet it’s all real apparently 😳🩷🩷 my dream woman 🥺🥺🩷

[bellshazes]

man. had a convo with my fave [state] coworker and she is so, so lovely. i love her, truly, from the bottom of my heart. you can just tell how much she cares about our members and I learn so much from her. and she comes across as blunt often, but she's always saying things that need heard. sometimes, it's with imperfect language. we were just talking about a trans member who had stopped seeing his gynecologist because, in his words, he's trans and didn't need to see a gyno - and had discovered he had ovarian cancer. my coworker was using she/her pronouns for him - not great! - but she was trying to get the group to focus on what barriers there were to that gynecological care, the ovarian cancer. they kept getting on her for the pronoun thing, which, yes, i also told her that if you're unable to hear the preference from the person themself, opting for the gender they're transitioning to (and this isn't "optimal language" i'm using, but it's where my coworker is at) is better. but she was right about trying to focus on helping the actual situation.

i talked it through with her and about my experiences with being out at work but not with my family, about whether there's trans-friendly gynecologists at all in the member's area or if there was trauma there (how likely that is!). and she immediately lit up talking about how awful it is that providers will claim they are trauma-informed or whatever and then fall short. she cares. she gets it, on some level. her use of she/her was a misguided attempt to express in the only way she knew how to focus on the issue of a person not receiving adequate care and needing support through cancer treatment. despite her ignorance, she was doing her damnedest to be this person's best advocate.

and she was so grateful and open to talking through the complexities! it is in fact important to validate to allies that it is hard sometimes to know what pronouns to use when a coworker is out at work but not in the community but that's part of why we do it anyway, because it's hard and important. she cares so much about trying to keep up with terminology she's unfamiliar with and not being seen as bigoted but she's not got a lot of experience talking to people in contexts where she can really learn. and she talked about being black and knowing as an adult culturally her family and friends just didn't openly talk about being trans or queer but she knows there were and are people who are and were. i brought up the complexities of how race plays into gender and transness, where black women can be denied "true" (quote unquote) womanhood because of their race and so how does that factor into being familiar or not with trans experiences? and if you're not white and you're trans, the ways in which you might be denied a gender you're not IDing with, but that's, well, intersectionality. and she had a lightbulb moment, i think, because i don't know she's ever had anyone say it in a way she's allowed to have something in common with. solidarity forever is the way.

there are a lot of willfully ignorant people, but if you connect with someone who's falling short on the "right" words and language and feelings, there are plenty who want to understand better but don't, who want to keep practicing, who care about you even if they don't know how best to show it. i'm really lucky to know people who keep reminding me of that, and who i know want a better world for the youth they serve.

[whorrorbvby]

So I came to peek your blog because sometimes there's just a need for some Kiki, you know? No judgment please - we've all been there. Sometimes frequently. It's like when Conan was asked what is best in life and he responded, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and Kiki."

Anyways I'm in full "Aw yeah Kiki time" mode and click my mouse excitedly aaaaaaaand now I'm drowning in the nostalgia after seeing this Twisted Metal convo and suddenly being tiny again and excitedly playing Twisted Metal 2 every time I got home from school. I LOVED that game soooooo much! And I never completed it. I even used the cheat code to unlock Minion and would still get stuck on that final level where you fight like... some alternate version of Sweet Tooth? I think it was in Japan? And those animated cutscenes with Calypso were great, they should have made a cartoon! Need to trawl YouTube for that wacky music on the Paris level where you get to blow up the Eiffel Tower now.

this was a better roller coaster than when i went on the valravn at cedar point as a kid 😅 i freaking loved every second of that holy shit.

also you just took me on the BIGGEST nostalgia trip it really made my day brighter you’re an absolute beast thank you 🫶🏻

[graceful-not]

Grace I know you have had your life busy for a while but.

Like I really miss how we talked for hours on end. We don't do that anymore.

The last time we've really talked about anything was like 6 months ago, and now it's just you sometimes responding when I ask about your interests

I've been avoiding saying this for fear of sounding weird but. I've been waiting for the day that you decide to talk to me for an extended period of time again. I think about you a lot.

And I worry that you might not want to be friends anymore, not because you dislike me, but because you've moved on and can't really fit me into your life anymore.

And I wouldn't be mad at you for feeling that way. But it kinda feels like you're avoiding talking to me to avoid hurting my feelings

And it's really hard to hear you say that you miss me too and you don't want to ignore me but like gets in the way and you have discord silenced and all that. And you never say that you'll change anything but you always seem to imply that you'll try to talk to me more

And then you don't follow up

So I feel like it would be easier if you could just. Tell me. Say that you think we should go out separate ways and live our lives. Because while I think it would suck to hear, it'd suck more if I just kept waiting to talk to you and it never happens. I don't want to wait anymore.

You don't have to respond to this specific ask. I highly doubt you would want to anyway. But I can't think of another way to reach you that I'm sure you'll hear. I'm trying to understand but I don't. So please talk to me about something. Anything at all, I don't care

STARLO.....,,,,, STARLOOOO

IM SO SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I KNOW IVE BEEN KIND OF A SHIT FRIEND TO YOU AND IM SO SO SORRY FOR THAT RAUGHR...

ok ok composing myself. I haven't been being the kind of friend that you deserve and I honestly don't know if I've ever been the kind of friend that you deserve. I WAS avoiding responding to your tags when you reblog my posts but that was not and never has been out of a lack of interest in talking to you. It was because I felt guilty at the fact that I hadn't had a real conversation with you in so long, and I felt like only ever talking to you when you initiate would be so shallow, give off the impression that I only cared about talking to you when you were directly engaging in my interests which is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of the truth!! I love talking to you for YOU!! And I felt like YOU felt like the only way you could connect with me was through my own interests which. I don't ever want you to feel like that!! Because that's one sided and sucky and it's an awful situation to be in! And I love you and didn't want to make the situation worse and reinforce that idea and it ALSO felt super sucky to ignore the entire fact of us not having talked in so long so I just didn't. Say anything. I waited for The Magical Day where I would have enough energy to strike up a convo again and address all of it.

And.. I shouldn't have done that. I've been kind of UnawareTM of time for the past few months and us not having talked isn't something that's your fault at all. I've been neglecting most of my relationships for those few months and. aurgrhrjgehrhrhshdjehe. AHH! this is hard sjdbsjbd.

You shouldn't have had to wait so long for me to suck it up and actually treat you with the respect and consideration that you DESERVE from me, as a friend. And I'm sorry that you did. And I'm sorry that I haven't been improving in communication despite the fact that I tell you I'll "try to talk more" or "check discord more" and a thousand other excuses I've probably given you at this point. I do want you to know that I don't lie when I say that I miss you. Because I do. and I DO think about you in my day to day life and I do reminisce and I do consider you someone important to me!

But.. yeah. I'm sorry. No more false promises from now on, Starlo. I don't know if I'm in a mental state yet to go back to the way we were and the frequency we talked back then. I think I need more time. BUT. I won't be avoiding you anymore. We'll talk. Not as much, maybe, but we'll talk.

Thanks for, y'know. Telling me about all this. I'm glad we can be honest with eachother, man. 💜🫀💖✨.

[katierosefun]

Do you ever think about how there's literally No Way there aren't some important as hell missing scenes in beyond evil? Like dsjw scenes end in such a phenomenal point and it just cuts to some time later like hello???? What happened to my boy on the ground under the rain??? What happened after that mourning hug after chief nam died????

Like take the "I will go to hell" scene as an example, dongsik has just learned about the real murderer of his twin sister, he's mad as hell and wants to kill him, there's also this fool kneeling in front of him talking about doing it all himself instead of him, said fool probably walked all the way there under the rain too. Dongsik, a man of many traumas and with concerning talent in compartmentalizing his emotions and experiences... I'm just thinking he'll prioritize the lowkey mental breakdown juwon is having over this new information. Like it's such a logical turn of events when you consider who these characters are and how they behave, there's literally no way he'll just let jw go on his merry little way after that whole thing.

I think the same about how things would develop after chief nam's death. Idk if ds would be able to get over it that fast but I think he would still try to be the more "functioning" one. Juwon would probably be a mess cause he was the first to get there, I can't imagine clearly what would happen after that scene but, the fact I know for sure they can't just part ways still haunts me. Juwon probably needs some medical attention to tbh he just got out of cold as hell water in winter.

OR, the scene where han kiwan publicly states on tv that he's gonna punish juwon for his irresponsible behavior and basically kicks him out, and dsjw are as always together when they see it and donsik just Looks at juwon like, well, it seems like manyang might adopt him anyway. There gotta be some type of convo after that.

I'm not gonna talk about the handcuffing scene at the end cause hhhhhhhhh

I'm sorry but I'm going feral thinking about these, there's no way they just part ways after scenes like that.

Also just this little detail of dongsik being so good at compartmentalizing stuff while juwon having literally zero talent in it, it tells me something about them. Idk what it tells me, but it's something.

aaaaah yes! i always do think so much about the scene cutaways, and i think a lot of it might have to do with giving joo won and dong sik some kind of privacy/letting the fans think what they think based off the trajectory of the scenes. (i do know that according to the original korean script, there's a note that dong sik apparently let joo won stay at one of his houses after that rain scene. which. which makes me feel so much.)

but to answer the second part of your question, i think dong sik is someone who has just always been a caretaker/someone who's better at looking after others over himself. like, we see time and time again that dong sik will witness/discover something that's awful and objectively should have shattered whatever bit of his sanity he had left, but there's something to be said about people with trauma/ptsd in general are usually already steeling themselves for the next terrible, horrible thing. their brains and bodies can sometimes jump right into survival mode (a part of the human body trying to protect themselves)--and i think as such, dong sik could probably very easily jump right into that mode.

as for joo won vs dong sik and their ways of compartmentalizing things: i think part of it is just who they are/their personalities, but also it was based off a lot of their experiences as a person. for dong sik, he had to go through literally punch after punch of a traumatic incident: his sister disappearing, being beat up by the police, his father dying, his mother going insane . . . all in the span of i think a year or two. if dong sik completely fell apart then, he would have never survived. because of the trajectory of his kind of experiences, he had to learn how to look at these terrible events and pack them away, at least for the time being.

in the case of joo won, though, i think for him, it was all about repression. he barely knew his mom (according to the script book, she was always away at some kind of institution, i think hawaii . . . and if we know anything about those kinds of institutions back in the early 2000s, i'm assuming they probably weren't the best, even if they were expensive), and when he did finally see his mom, she was either drunk or just simply out of it. that, combined with han ki hwan's a+ parenting . . . and then how joo won witnessed his mom (a still drunk, crying mess who screamed even as she was being dragged out of the house) . . . i think starting from then, even as a kid, he must have learned something about how that kind of "imperfect" emotional outrage was not to be tolerated in the han household. (think of joo won's disdain for people who are overly emotional, emotional matters.) but also, that's a lot to internalize when you're seven years old (which was how old joo won was when he witnessed all of that)--so i think of how he grew up, just repressing his emotions . . . and so i think as soon as joo won allows himself to even slightly crack into whatever's lying underneath, it all comes rushing out.

ultimately, i don't think either joo won or dong sik really had time to properly cope with their trauma, but there are different kinds of trauma and they manifest in people in different ways.

[datastate]

If you want to, can you tell me more about Doodle? (I hope I'm not coming off as obnoxious or anything, but... your ocs good)

nah you’re fine!!! it’s neat to see other people interested in my ocs :o esp bc i haven’t drawn them much lately abvmsdgsd my hk hyperfix is kicking my ass

so! doodle. they use any pronouns, big shrug emoji with gender on their end

as you’d assume from their name, he is. Really into art. they’re one of the more experienced ones with working with adding additional designs to the armor, so a lot of the battalion ends up going to them for more specific designs that require that ~steady hand~, or just for advice on designs that he’d think would fit them. they’re a really reassuring person and one of the more optimistic ones, which is what a lot of the younger people need from them. they help maek a more comfortable atmosphere where people can actually relax, which is esp nice when burst is there with them (or even sky, sometimes. tho she’s still a  bit intimidating) unfortunately, for doodle, it’s gotten to the point where, if they dare let any other emotion other than ‘content / happy’ show or aren’t as enthused when trying to encourage others, then other people will be like ‘lol what the fuck’ or just make the others unsettled/uncomfortable in general, which is really upsetting for them. there are only really two people that doodle can fully be themself around, and that’s void and burst, a fellow sergeant.

(speaking of, they’re one of the main people that has to reintroduce void to the battalion, one of the main connections between the general people and the commander. void tends to go to them when searching for advice on what to say / do for xiriel or selinn, or even with the other commanding officers like sky when they want to be thankful, or even just. know how to start up conversation without going from something formal and leading into casual convos. doodle’s really reliable and just as socially aware as selinn, if not more so because they’re familiar with their family’s little tells and stuff you know? and it’s from them that void kind of adjusts)

doodle used to be openly frustrated when they were younger on kamino. usually, they’d be able to at least open up to their batchmates who were familiar with them having more than one (1) ‘positive’ emotion, but. they were moved to another batch after a really unfortunate incident. their new batchmates are sun, 37, rust, and chance, which... yeah, they do mean a lot to doodle, but they don’t know doodle, and esp bc he’s the eldest of all of them, she feels that pressure to still act around them because she knows they’re looking up to him for that reassurance. there’s pressure on them to stay bright and shit, even as the war wears on them. when burst ‘dies’ (she’s missing, assumed to be killed with the group she was leading), that’s their breaking point. they were impulsive before, but now that’s combined with frustration and hatred of this awful situation they’re stuck in. they get more reckless and irritable. they throw themself to battle, only really saved bc they’ve learned to be confident in their movements. they’re a lot more ruthless than they used to be (especially toward myrre, the sith that caused the below) and just. the anger eats at them.

(the above happens quickly especially because, before this, the sith they fight against began going for numbers instead of the commanding officers, who were often the most protected by the jedi, to break morale. it was easy to identify those who were inexperienced by their armor. they went after shinies, so doodle was the one who ended up trying to protect them from being immediately targeted by painting them, but that felt like wasted time when they were killed anyway, it was just. ah. really, really disheartening and more upsetting if they got attached to the person they were speaking with in the time between helping them paint their armor. it was especially bad if the new recruits asked them for advice on their armor, bc then that means doodle got to know them a bit more to actually suggest something that fit, and just. it’s a lot. they are straining themself a lot.)

sorry if this is all over the place... i was multitasking on this while in school ahbvsmgsdg... basically. doodle is trying their best living moment to moment and they’re tired of seeing their family die. they want the war to be done with, but in the meantime they’re going to try to do all they can, even if, for the first few years, what that means is just being a positive force or a source of solace. :[

[oikaw-ugh]

asdfghjkl. Tysm for letting me send a request, Leia! You are so sweet! ❤ Hmm so about me, I'm an introvert and prefer to stay at home all the time. Apart from watching anime and reading a lot of stuff, I also like to listen to music mostly Japanese songs these days and playing gacha games 😅. Lastly, I have a 5 year old pug who is as lazy as its owner. Idk if this is enough but thank you again ❤

Hello, Ate Nich! And you're very much welcome! I love our convos they make me feel so old (in a good way. Like matured-) HEHEHEHEH I Hope I don't disappoint you with this!

I match you with...

Lev Haiba!

Kuroo's face is an everyday face

Chose Lev mainly because you seem so grounded? And matured? And Lev is SOOOO childish. The possibilities of this dynamics is insane!

We all know how Lev is to everyone, right?

He's soooo extroverted I actually feel Kenma's pain :((

N e ways! I feel like the first time you both see each other is at uni. But don't get me wrong, you're not friends with Lev. You're friends w/ Kuroo. And you're a year younger than the two.

And like, the first time Lev saw you is probably when you greeted Kuroo at the hallways.

Kuroo: Oh. This is Nich. A friend.

The extroverted that he is, he immediately bombarded you with his questions and random stories that you surprisingly listened to.

Lev when he noticed how you're actually listening to him because he got so used with Nekoma team laughing or disregarding him (ehem-Kenma-ehem-Yaku): 🥺🥺🥺

And I feel like the moment you speak your mind? Lev is blown away!

'Cause you seem so wise and Lev is in awe.

It's like he's younger than you thinking-wise.

Lev: Are you...a goddess?

You: No, Lev-san. I'm Nich.

Lev falling for you is like how a child is if in love.

He loves to boast around you, to impress you, and he does 'things' to make him seem 'cool'.

Lev: Nich! I aced the quiz at my last subject this morning!

You: That's great, Lev-san!

Lev: 🥺

Lev: Nich, let me uncap that for you! *Uncaps your water*

You: ᴵ ʷᵃˢⁿ'ᵗ ᵖˡᵃⁿⁿᶦⁿᵍ ᵒⁿ ᵈʳᶦⁿᵏᶦⁿᵍ

He wants to be with you all the time, which is almost impossible because you're both v busy.

Lev: Nich, where are you going?

You: Oh, to the Lib with my friends.

Lev: L-Let me come with you!

You: ???? But you have classes, right?

Lev: 👁️👄👁️

He also loves it when you're so kind to him? The genuine gentleness? What is that???

I SWEAR HE MELTS WITH EVERY LITTLE THING YOU DO

You: Lev-san, it's already lunch time. Have you eaten?

You: Lev-san, that's so funny!

You: Oh, what you said actually makes sense, Lev-san.

You: Thank you, Lev-san.

Lev: ᵂᶦˡˡ ᵘ ᵐᵃʳʳʸ ᵐᵉ

Truth to be told, Lev was oblivious of his affection for you.

All he knows is that he loves talking to you because he loves your mind and he loves how your words lift him up.

Well, that's what he thought.

When Kuroo asked if something is going on between you two, Lev was completely off guard.

Lev: Kuroo-san! I-we-nich-were uh...

You: That's crazy, Kuroo-san. Lev-san is like a brother to me.

Lev: 😳

He hated that.

And that's where it starts. He loves how you ruffle his hair but he hates the words that come along with it.

You: You're so cool, Lev-san.

If it's possible to feel uwu and mad at the same time, then that's what Lev is feeling.

The stupid honorific (san) makes him remember how you only think of him as a brother!!!

At first, he kind of brushed it off. But he's had enough it actually drove him to confessing out of the blue.

You: Oh, Lev-

Lev who just appeared in front of you at the library: Don't call me Lev-san! I'm not your brother. I like you, Nich.

Alexa, play RADWIMPS' Sparkle!

Dating is so chaotic.

Most of the days, you're lazy. But Lev is so extroverted he wants to go out with you ALMOST ALL THE TIME.

Lev at your door: Hello, Nich!

You w/ your bed hair: Lev, it's 7 AM.

Lev: I just taught it'd be nice to go to the theme park with you now...

You: 👁️👄👁️ Lev, it's still 7 AM-

Lev learned it in a hard way that it is, most of the time, impossible to pull you out of your house so he settles with domestic dates.

Nothing fancy, really. Prolly just you two chilling at the room. Like, you reading on the end of the couch while Lev curls himself up at the other end, scanning his phone while his legs playfully push yours and stuff.

You: Lev, stop it.

Lev: c: *kicks you still anyway*

And I can imagine the two of you blasting Japanese songs. Just loud enough for you to hear and low enough that you wouldn't be disturbing the neighbors.

When you watch anime, just imagine the giant laying on the bed and you literally hugging him like a tree.

Like, your head fitting at his chest while you both watch at the screen??? HSJSJSJJS (excuse me i rlly love it i can picture it happening)

And like, he's so LOUUUUUD! He always has something to say in every scene!

He screamed even though the MCs are literally just hugging each other

But when you speak though, he goes silent. Mainly because he loves your voice and also because he lovesyour thoughts.

Lev: THIS IS SO-

You: But for me though...

Lev: *seals lips*

The closest to cuddling is just hugging...

Because the moment you go beyond that, your cutie doggo butts in!

Doggo: i see u i dun approve

Your pug is so cute btw 🥺

Your pug was so intimidated by Lev when they first met, your pug actually tried to protect you even though ur doggo is so lazy!

But Lev was able to get your doggo's approval though when he brought you two to a dog's park.

When you have dates outside, I see you two visiting bookshops? Because you love to read.

And Lev is a simp so he gives in to everything you want.

Like, the look on his face when he sees you light up when you two pass by at a bookstore? He loves it.

Or like, you two are just walking then you kind of pause and stare at a shop, he's like:

Lev: Do you want to go in?

You: Uh, no, I was just-

Lev: Let's go!

You: Wait-

Cinemas and fancy restaurants are a thing. Coffee shops/milk tea shops, too. But I think you two fight when it comes to paying.

Lev insists he pays for you two but you're like.

Nich: Lev, let's split the bill.

Lev: No, Nich. It's okay.

Nich: Lev *glare*

Lev: 😳

Fights...

ABSOLUTELY!

Lev can just be...too much sometimes.

Like, he insists you two go out somewhere, he insist he does this for you and stuff.

"Nich, lemme do that!" "Nich, I'll do it instead." "Nich, it's on me."

And it just not feels good when he tries to be the only one balancing the relationship?

Nich: Lev, I'm here too!

And he thinks that it's offensive and like you don't trust him? Which is not the case!

IT'S MISCOMMUNICATION U 2 >=[[[

You're the more patient one in the relationship so you try to explain it to him?

But with how hardheaded Lev is? Nah. It doesn't reach his ears :((((

But give it a couple of days, or hours. Just let Lev sink the situation in, and he'd eventually understand that he did wrong and all

After his realization, expect him to suddenly pop wherever you are, with this cute look on his face while he brings with him a gift.

Dog food? A book? A cute notebook? Anything.

Lev: Nich, I'm sorry 🥺

And that just melts your heart? You happily accept him and his gift. You just hug him like, for a couple of minutes before you two settle down as you try to explain what he did wrong and THIS TIME, he listens.

HELLO, ATE NICH!!!! I Hope you like this!!! *Fingers crossed* I hope this is close to accuracy 🥺

[izanyas]

Just letting you know that I think of atc literally all the time where I'm just really grateful that it exists, I guess? It's weird to say but sometimes I wonder if I'm just simulating the emotions I think I ought to feel in every day life, but when I read atc it genuinely makes me FEEL things, and even if those feelings aren't good it's really nice. Idk what it means that I feel things more deeply when it's vicariously lived through fictional characters but... I'm still glad. Thank you. <3

aw i think this is something a lot of people go through, like i know for example i am very tough to make cry over my own personal issues or over things like someone i love passing. i just never cry. however i’m always weeping over fiction like a baby haha

joke aside tho i have had this convo with many friends. your brain knows fiction is fiction and therefore less “dangerous” to express feelings over freely than real life and real relationships are. you’re just free to think whatever you want to think, feel whatever you want to feel. there’s a reason “catharsis” is a word that exists—and that was created to describe the role of greek tragedy theater over its public!

you don’t feel less about your life, you are not simulating emotions, you simply experience them differently. distance from your own feelings is a way for your brain of protecting you... and it can be good just as it can be unhealthy depending on very many things such as source, circumstances, regularity.

anyway!!! thank you so much for your kind words. i’m very grateful that atc exists too!

[rainhalydia]

I wasn't in fandom at the time, so I'm curious about how you felt, as a Throbb shipper, about GRRM confirming Robb didn't love Theon as much as he loved Jon? And how did Throbb shippers in general feel about it?

Well, I can’t say how Throbb shippers in general felt. Not that happy, I’d guess? I can tell how I felt and still feel about it, though I didn’t see that interview until long after the fact so I didn’t catch any drama anyway. To sum it up: I don’t care.

A much longer, rambling word-vomit under the cut:

I think I summed up my feelings very exactly, but I kept thinking a lot about this ask and having lots of opinions, so here we go. I’ll preface this long-ass rant by saying I have no professional training in literary analysis. I just read a lot, overthink everything and had two classes in college about literature.

First of all, this tendency to give great weight - i.e., to care at all - about what writers have to say about their own work is completely foreign to me. I mean it literally - the main framework of literary analysis I’ve encountered throughtout my education was basically centered around the text, and I very much adopt it without even giving it conscious thought. I don’t seek out interviews, addendums, essays, anything at all. Sometimes I read it if they fall on my lap. Such was the case with this interview.

It’s not that writers don’t have things to say, or that those things are not interesting or valuable or sometimes shed a new light on their work. It’s that at the end of the day they’re not important! Only canon is canon. I don’t mean to sound snob or pedantic, like the books are law or something. And any canon has a number of valid interpretations (within limits), they’re not absolute, they allow some wiggle room. But any text needs by definition to stand on its own without writers poking their heads inside the room to say how we should interpret it. If we need imput from the writers to do it, then the text is already bad, it failed, sorry. Interpretation is the reader’s job. In fact, it’s the reader’s prerrogative.

Much of this hipe around authors, I believe, has to do with the rise of social media and how close to the public writers suddenly were. And I feel that applies especially for authors like Martin, who are very talented and have created a very rich world that has become really popular. And ASOIAF is still ongoing. It’s natural that everyone wants to pick at his brain and know where the story is going!

And here I make my second very unpopular point: authors are not specialists in their own work.

He knows more than anyone about it, certainly, and currently Martin is probably the only person who knows how things will end (though we have plenty of bare bones the show left), but he is, as he has admited himself, a gardener. The story was bound to get away from him, given his own writting style. The group of people who will be specialists on his work don’t include him, and they don’t even exist yet. They will only emerge when he’s stopped writing (so probably after his death) and his work has ended (if it was finished or not). Then people can read every single thing he has ever written, which is much more than ASOIAF, and analyse it to death, pick it apart from every single angle, the ones Martin intended to be there and the ones he didn’t.

Again, I don’t mean to come across as snobbish and say Martin does not know his own work, characters, creation, etc. He does! But no writer can leave all their biases behind when they start writing, so these books are not neutral to begin with. Add to it the lots and lots of variables readers will bring when they interpret the text, and any book is always going to be more than the author intends by default.

If my argument seems absurd, let me point out that it has already happened to a certain degree: my own interpretation from reading ASOIAF is that it is full of anti-war, anti-violence messages, and yet from it has sprung an adaptation that, in my own interpretation, glorifies war and violence to a ridiculous degree. I’m not alone in these opinions, btw. They’re pretty common in fandom spaces, so I’m sure I didn’t pull them out of thin air. We can argue until we’re blue in the face that the Ds can’t read anything for shit, they certainly don’t do themselves any favors, but you know, they interpreted the books well enough to correctly guess who was Jon’s mother and get permission to adapt it in the first place. I’ve since seen people (I’m not naming names, anyone still reading will just have to take my word for it, but I swear they do exist) defend that the show is a faithful adaptation of the books and that the glorification of war was there too, and others say that the show didn’t actually glorify war, it had an anti-war message! Who is wrong? Well, I don’t know. As I said, the GRRM’s specialists are yet to come, and I’m certainly not one of them. What I believe, however, is that all of us brought our own biases to the same text, interpreted it according to them, and came to different, often conflicting conclusions.

See also what GRRM said about the partnership between Jaehaerys and Alysanne and what most people made of their relationship from Fire and Blood. See the sept sex/rape scene controversy. See the Dany/Drogo controversy.

Do you get why I put little weight in Martin’s interviews to form my opinion? So given that and my own background, I’ll chose my own interpretation of the text rather than Martin’s apocrypha.

What does the book canon, and the book canon alone, say about Robb’s feelings for Theon? Well, unless new material is released, we’ll just never know for sure, because Robb isn’t a pov character. We do have Theon’s side of things - he has a certain affection for Robb, he’s more of a brother than his own brothers, he wishes he had died with him or at least that he had been there at the moment of Robb’s death, depending on how sincere he feels like being. We also know a little bit of what other characters thought of their relationship. Bran says Robb admired Theon and enjoyed his company, and it’s implied that he finds this baffling. He’s also jealous that Robb spends more time with Theon and other adults doing adult things than with his brothers. And though I’ve talked at lenght about interpretation and wiggle room to understand things, it’s also pretty evident that Robb is down to hear Theon talk about his sexual conquests in some detail as long as his brothers aren’t around.

Of course, Bran is a child and much as he loves Robb, their time together is cut short and Robb is not his main concern anyway. We get most material about Robb and Theon’s relationship from Cat’s pov. There’s a lot we can analyse and Damien had already done a great not-meta about it, but sadly he’s since deleted, thank you to the demons who got on his case, but for me the most damning piece of evidence that Robb feels very strongly for Theon is this:

“Robb will avenge his brothers. Ice can kill as dead as fire. Ice was Ned’s greatsword. Valyrian steel, marked with the ripples of a thousand foldings, so sharp I feared to touch it. Robb’s blade is dull as a cudgel compared to Ice. It will not be easy for him to get Theon’s head off, I fear. The Starks do not use headsmen. Ned always said that the man who passes the sentence should swing the blade, though he never took any joy in the duty.”

So to unpack what is going on: nearly drowing in grief, Cat rambles to Brienne about lots of things, including Theon’s impending death sentence. By Northern dumb tradition, Robb must be the one to behead Theon, his former best friend turned enemy, turned betrayer, turned brother-killer. And she says that it won’t be easy for him to do it.

Now, it can be argued that this is partly because of the sword. They’ve lost their sharp valyrian steel and Robb uses an inferior blade, not as sharp. I reject this interpretation as the only explanation (and here comes my own biases) because she mentions the headsman right after. A headsman might be more experienced, but it’s not like he’d have valyrian steel to do it either. Rather, I think she’s talking about how being able to pass Theon off to be killed by a headsman would be easier on Robb psychologically, but it’s not really an option, so Robb will have to suffer.

At this point, to Robb’s knowledge, Theon has: 1) betrayed his trust and used the ruse of negociations with Balon to escape; 2) attacked the northern shore and enslaved his people; 3) attacked and took control of his home; 4) made his brothers hostages; 5) killed his brothers; 6) denied his brothers the right to be buried in a decent way; and finally, 7) burned their bodies and exposed them for all of the North to see.

And after all this, having to be the one to kill Theon will make him suffer.

We know one of the moments Robb gets the angriest in the books is when Bran is threatened by the wildlings. He is the acting Lord and keeping his little brothers safe is his responsability. He nearly bites Theon’s head off when Theon saves Bran in a risky way and we know that was uncharacteristic because Theon is still sulking about that a whole year later. So his siblings are dear to him, but even after Theon does everything from steps 1 to 4, he’s still sure they’re not in danger and that Theon won’t do anything to them. That’s how much he trusts Theon. It takes literal murder to make him change his mind.

But then he does change his mind. He believes Theon did those awful, awful things to his brothers. After that knowledge has had time to settle in, after he believes the worst of Theon, he has this amazing convo with Cat that I’ll quote whole because it’s amazing:

“Enough.” For just an instant Robb sounded more like Brandon than his father. “No man calls my lady of Winterfell a traitor in my hearing, Lord Rickard.” When he turned to Catelyn, his voice softened. “If I could wish the Kingslayer back in chains I would. You freed him without my knowledge or consent … but what you did, I know you did for love. For Arya and Sansa, and out of grief for Bran and Rickon. Love’s not always wise, I’ve learned. It can lead us to great folly, but we follow our hearts … wherever they take us. Don’t we, Mother?”

Is that what I did? “If my heart led me into folly, I would gladly make whatever amends I can to Lord Karstark and yourself.”

Lord Rickard’s face was implacable. “Will your amends warm Torrhen and Eddard in the cold graves where the Kingslayer laid them?” He shouldered between the Greatjon and Maege Mormont and left the hall.

Robb made no move to detain him. “Forgive him, Mother.”

“If you will forgive me.”

“I have. I know what it is to love so greatly you can think of nothing else.”

Catelyn bowed her head. “Thank you.” I have not lost this child, at least.

So we know that what is going on here is that Robb is buttering Cat up before breaking the news of his marriage to Jeyne to her. One of the possible interpretations supported by the text is that Jeyne is in love with Robb and Robb is not in love with her. It’s a common reading that he married her out of honor and to avoid a possible Jon Snow situation. During their marriage, he seems to grow fond of her - Cat notices he likes her company better, and her brother’s, and that he laughs when he is with the Westerlings - but he also keeps some distance. She’s afraid of Grey Wind, which pretty much means being afraid of a part of him. In turn, he’s attentive, courteous, and a bit touched and annoyed at her public displays of affection.

Then there is this gem:

“His heir failed him.” Robb ran a hand over the rough weathered stone. “I had hoped to leave Jeyne with child … we tried often enough, but I’m not certain…”

And this is more Damien’s not-meta than my own, but once you see it, you can’t ever unsee it. Compare the bolded parts in that quote in the first Cat-Robb convo to the part bolded in the second one, put them side to side and tell me you can’t see the difference. In the first one, Robb basically spells it out that he’s made a mistake out of love, that love turned him into a fool, but it was stronger than him. At that point of the narrative, Robb’s biggest mistake (and notably it was HIS mistale, it was not a case of the narrative screwing him over) was to free Theon. A mistake that caused him to lose his brothers, castle and a significant chunk of political standing. The consequences of marrying Jeyne, which is pretty much only to lose the Freys, don’t even compare - especially because the Stark faction believes they can win their support back.

And this love that made him act like a fool is further described in the second bolded part of that quote. He loved so greatly that he could think of nothing else. That is some passion there, folks. Even considering that he’s trying to get Cat on his side, it strikes me as so sincere and heartfelt. And again, maybe it’s my own biases showing, but that sounds like an all-consuming love, the kind of love that doesn’t go away easily. I don’t see that same depth of emotion on the second bolded quote… they tried often enough. Does it add up with the first part? I don’t think so.

My conclusion, and forgive me if the shipper gogles come in, is that the love that hurt him, that consumed him, is the love he had for Theon. Not for his wife. But it was in the past, one might say. His marriage was just beginning, he and Jeyne grow closer, etc. I’ll quote two more bits:

“I cannot speak to that. There is much confusion in any war. Many false reports. All I can tell you is that my nephews claim it was this bastard son of Bolton’s who saved the women of Winterfell, and the little ones. They are safe at the Dreadfort now, all those who remain.”

“Theon,” Robb said suddenly. “What happened to Theon Greyjoy? Was he slain?”

Here we are nearing the Red Wedding. Some Freys come to pretend to make peace and pressure for a wedding to Edmure and they bring news of the battle of Winterfell. Professional writers don’t often abuse the “suddenly” like us poor fic writers, so when he says it was sudden, i believe it was sudden. I believe it came out of nowhere, in fact, and that Robb was the only one in that room considering Theon’s fate.

Roose Bolton removed a ragged strip of leather from the pouch at his belt. “My son sent this with his letter.”

Ser Wendel turned his fat face away. Robin Flint and Smalljon Umber exchanged a look, and the Greatjon snorted like a bull. “Is that … skin?” said Robb.

“The skin from the little finger of Theon Greyjoy’s left hand. My son is cruel, I confess it. And yet … what is a little skin, against the lives of two young princes? You were their mother, my lady. May I offer you this … small token of revenge?“ 

Part of Catelyn wanted to clutch the grisly trophy to her heart, but she made herself resist. “Put it away. Please.”

“Flaying Theon will not bring my brothers back,” Robb said. “I want his head, not his skin.”

Aside from Catelyn, who is torn, and maybe the Greatjon (I don’t know what snorting like a bull is supposed to convey), no one in that room approves of torturing Theon, they’re all rightly creeped out. But no one would blink an eye if Robb had ordered Theon flayed alive. Instead, he commands the torture to stop. Of course it’s the only decent thing to do, but let’s all appreciate how the character who is always arguing for peace, end of conflict and letting things go for the sake of the living and what can still be saved instead of more violence, is tempted by it. Robb is the only one who shares the full extent of Cat’s grief here, but he’s also the only one to try and stop the senseless punishment.

I joke all the time about how Throbb is canon, and it’s mostly jokes. They are not canon in the sense that Cat and Ned are canon, and I don’t think we’ll have any more facts added to their story together, there probably won’t be any flashbacks that hint at a romantic relationship between them. But looking at the text alone, what we have of it as of now, it’s possible to support a canonical reading for this ship. This interpretation is there in the text if you want to see it. In fact, some things make more sense if Robb was in love with Theon.

And you know, having a ship be supported by canon is not actually a condition that needs to be met to ship anything. It’s just something I particularly need to get into it. But even if you read Theon and Robb as just friends, it’s a reach to say that Robb didn’t love Theon.

Of course, we have Robb demonstrating affection towards Jon in the books too. He is Robb’s chosen heir, to Cat’s despair. Despite all the negative propaganda bastards get and the fact that the mother he so respected and loved disliked and distrusted Jon, Robb considers him a full brother, to compare to Sansa’s constant “half-brother” from the beginning of her journey. They’re seen having a good time together (they have a horse race in their very first appearance in the books, and Mance recalls them getting into trouble together as children), so they enjoy each other’s company.

Yet there’s also an undercurrent of sibling rivalry between them, seen from Jon’s pov. We have this bit with Benjen:

Benjen gave Jon a careful, measuring look. “You don’t miss much, do you, Jon? We could use a man like you on the Wall.”

Jon swelled with pride. “Robb is a stronger lance than I am, but I’m the better sword, and Hullen says I sit a horse as well as anyone in the castle.”

This is hilarious to me. My uncle paid me a compliment for being perceptive, a skill not at all related to martial skills! Time to compare my martial skills to my brother’s, even though we’re both 14 and there’s lots of more tried warriors in the world and we haven’t even had our last growh spurt! This is sure to impress a seasoned ranger!

Of course we know Jon’s rivalry towards Robb comes from his bastard status, but it’s interesting to me that it’s something that centers around Robb alone; he doesn’t compare himself to Bran or Rickon as far as I remember. That can be explained by their very similar ages and growing up together, I think. Jon has the advantage of being older than his other true born brothers.

Jon also says this:

Bastard children were born from lust and lies, men said; their nature was wanton and treacherous. Once Jon had meant to prove them wrong, to show his lord father that he could be as good and true a son as Robb. I made a botch of that. Robb had become a hero king; if Jon was remembered at all, it would be as a turncloak, an oathbreaker, and a murderer. He was glad that Lord Eddard was not alive to see his shame.

To Jon - and to the other Stark children - Robb is often the model to be emmulated. I won’t dig up all the times they hold him up as the ideal of bravery. Jon’s feelings are not unique in this sense, though they are when it comes to the rivalry. They all admire Robb. From Robb’s side, I don’t remember hints of him admiring Jon or any of his siblings. He certainly loves them, likes them, and enjoys spending time with Jon at the very least.

But Theon is the one Robb admires in text. Bran says it, and Theon too:

“There is nothing small about the letter I bear,” Theon said, “and the offer he makes is one I suggested to him.”

“This wolf king heeds your counsel, does he?” The notion seemed to amuse Lord Balon.

“He heeds me, yes. I’ve hunted with him, trained with him, shared meat and mead with him, warred at his side. I have earned his trust. He looks on me as an older brother, he—”

Readers often dismiss this as Theon’s garden variety empty bragging. To be fair, Theon very much distorts reality in his head to fit his own idea of how things should be, but this is one of the few times when he’s not doing that. He’s genuinely proud that Robb thinks so well of him. And since he’s so sensitive about what people think of him and people not giving him the credit he thinks he deserves, I’m ready to believe his account of facts this one time.

What I get from canon, regarding who Robb loves the most out of Jon and Theon, is that he loves them differently. He might even love Jon more by ASOS; it’s a wonder that we have hints that he still cares about Theon at all by the end, after the murders of who we know are the miller boys, but who Robb thinks are Bran and Rickon.

He had different relationships with them. Even if you reject the reading of Throbb as romantic, friends and siblings are not interchangable, even if you’re out there calling close friends brothers or if your brother is your best friend. It’s different sorts of affection. At the beginning of the series, Robb and Theon seemed closer to me than Robb and Jon - let’s not forget that Jon’s favorite is Arya, and the biggest family drama at that time has to do with Jon and Cat. They grow even closer as they go to war together, and then they’re pushed apart by circumstances and by Theon’s actions.

But okay, this is not long enough yet, so let’s say that this is an invalid framework of analysis and Martin’s word of god has as much weight as canon, and that in fact, we’re 100% certain that Robb loved Jon more than Theon.

Why does it even need to be a competition? No one holds it against Ygritte that Jon loves Arya more. Asha has a steady boyfriend that she’d gladly marry, and still she takes risk after risk for Theon. Ned was probably the greatest love of Cat’s life, but her interactions with her brother and uncle are still emotional and moving in great part because of the depth of her love for them.

Robb loving Jon more doesn’t take anything away from Theon. He doesn’t love Theon less because he loves Jon more, love is not a finite resource. And Robb loved Theon plenty, be it in a familial, friends or romantic way. If it diminished, that was a result of Theon’s choices alone.

[nova-nox]

A single text post thrown into the void because I want to say this somewhere but if I do it in rl I'm afraid it'll come off rude or wrong or attention seeking. So. My blog I use only for reblogs.

I wonder if I am on the autistic spectrum. Because it seems like half of everything is a yes ans the other half is a no with some overlap in sometimes.

But in rl the ppl I know, only a few are on the spectrum and they're not close friends. I'm afraid of saying anything and being lumped into faking it or doing it for attention. One time I brought it up it was mentioned that I'm too good in convos with ppl and that I make eye contact so I can't possibly be on the spectrum.

But. Convos (except with close friends and family) are HARD and my social anxiety is awful and I'm jittery and nervous and embarrassed and awkward feeling the whole time. But I guess it doesn't count if I can look mostly normal on the outside to the strangers I'm talking with??

I don't know how these things are judged.

I have adhd. They say it's got a high comorbidity rate with asd.

There's a few ppl I love to watch on tiktok that have adhd. Some of them have both adhd and asd. One of them did a video trying to do an asd assessment and showed their asd and adhd sides warring against eachother providing conflicting answers. That's exactly how I felt for half the questions when I took the test.

I got a high score. They say for this last test that if u got above a 65 you most likely were on the spectrum. I got 134.

But a lot of the questions I wanted to put "sometimes" for instead of always or never. Or i wanted context.

Not everything bothers me 100% of the time and sometimes I do things sometimes but not never.

I feel like a fraud. I got to the end and saw the numbers and thought. "What if I misunderstood? What if I lied?" I have a terrible fear of me somehow subconsciously trying to alter my responses and answers to the test to get the outcome that gives me asd.

I don't know why.

Any time I take an online test or see people on the spectrum talking about things specific to them, I relate. Or i score in the asd range. But every person irl I talk to says I can't be for x and y reasons.

((Why does this matter so much to me?? I just want to know. I don't know why I just want to know.

But I don't want to say I'm on the spectrum if I'm not and give people who do have asd a bad rep. I don't want to say I have it and look like I'm pretending or doing it for attention.

I just want to know for me. If it would explain some things. If it wouldn't.))

But the problem with tests too is that ppl say u can be Masking. We learn it growing up.

And like.

Aren't we always masking?? Like u have friends u can be yourself around and everyone else u have to be more toned down for. More reserved. Less emotional.

And like. How would I be able to tell the difference? Isn't everything just a bunch of social rules anyways? What's considered polite and what's acceptable? Like. U learn as a kid you can't run around a room where adults are having a serious convo. So as an adult u don't do that either.

If you're at a meeting you're not allowed to get up from the table and pace around the room even though you're super anxious and have a bunch of restless energy. So you just suffer quietly through it because that's socially acceptable and moving around the room isn't.

I hate hate hate meeting new people but apparently I'm "good at it" despite feeling like a complete idiot the whole time and super anxious and like I failed by the end.

Gosh I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I just want to know. But I keep getting conflicting information.

Maybe it's just my adhd.

I dunno.

I'd be fine either way. If I had asd or didn't have asd. I just don't want to give a bad rep to anyone or be accused of claiming it when I'm not or anything else.

I just. It was liberating getting confirmation that I had adhd. I've started finding answers to all the weird stuff I do. How I react to things. And now I can look up adhd tips for diff things I struggle with and find answers.

I just want that. For if I'm on the spectrum. Answers. Help. Not anything else. Just. Answers and the ability to use this information to help me with things I need help with.