#but damn a complicated coming out story just is so cathartic to me!!!

[horse-girl-anthy]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks..

tbh this is extremely hard to answer because I have many interests. I’m sure I’ll feel bad when I remember the hundred other characters that should have made the list. I’m not putting any Ikuhara characters because it’d been too hard to pick and honestly I’d have to go through each work individually. 

1. Tenma from Naoki Urasawa’s Monster. I don’t claim to be a complicated person, alright. I just think he’s nice. every time I read Monster I get more attached to him like a little baby duck, which is what all the other characters in that story do as well so I’m valid. trying to put it into words is hard--he’s just an alluring combo of pathetic, ridiculous, cool, strong, and kind. plus he kinda becomes a religious figure by the end and I’m a sucker for that shit.

2. Xie Lian from TGCF/Heaven Official’s Blessing. I read the novels this summer after watching the donghua. I was just expecting a decent BL, but what I got was epic historical supernatural fiction (and BL). Xie Lian is such an impressively written character. his story helped me deal with my own fall from grace, as it were, and was overall cathartic and engaging. plus he’s my type. step aside Hua Cheng, I’d die for him first. 

3. Orel from Moral Orel. I love this show a lot because of its focus on the cruelty and hypocrisy of WASP America, and Orel is relatable for struggling to understand the bulltshit answers he gets to all his questions. he’s a lot more innocent than I was as a kid, but I think his kind of purity plays well against the satirical, dark edge of the show. 

4. Reki from Haibane Renmei. most of the reasons I love her aren’t revealed until the very end of the show. I’ll say that I love her because she’s the ultimate manifestation of the story’s themes of guilt and redemption.

5. Ishida from Koe no Katachi. I just finished rereading this manga recently. if you want a character who does wrong, suffers, tries to change himself, but finds it isn’t that easy, Ishida is your man. he’s such a funny, well-written teen boy, but also someone I think anyone from any background can see themselves in--the good and the bad. 

6. Naruto from... you know. Naruto was the first anime I became really obsessed with, when I was in middle school, and Naruto himself is the first character I can remember becoming attached to in an intense, lasting way. I loved him so much and I still have that attachment to him. he’s so, so cute, and so, so lovable. when I’m done with my first round of Ikuhara vids, I’m going to download Naruto so I can make my friend a Sasuke fancam and I’m also gonna make a Naruto edit just for me :)

7. Miyuki from Naoki Urasawa’s Happy! I’ve read everything by Urasawa except for Yawara, and I’m one of the only people who seems to have read Happy! I gotta say, would I pick it as one of his best works? no. I love everything he’s done, but something like 20th Century Boys or Billy Bat is clearly a more serious, meaningful story than Happy!, which comes out of his transition phase between writing romantic comedy sports manga and his later thrillers. however... Happy! is one of those works which makes me lose my mind regardless of quality. and Miyuki, the main character, is just so damn adorable. I find her a very appealing, sweet character. beyond that, kind of like Monster, the entire story is about people trying to break her down, but she refuses to ever give up and I love that sort of thing when played right. 

8. Ged from Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earthsea series. I am still digging into Le Guin’s body of work but I’ve read most of her novels and short story collections. I could absolutely make a top ten list with just characters from her books. however, I managed to narrow it down to just three from this list, all from the Earthsea books. Ged is the only character who appears in all six books, and the reader gets to experience close the entire course of his life. he starts as an arrogant, careless boy and grows into a wise man. Le Guin decided not to leave him after he does his final great act, and his story continues after he loses his power. Tehanu, the fourth book in the series, is probably my favorite book I’ve ever read, I’ve thought about writing an analysis comparing it with RGU, and one of its main themes is life after loss and trauma. his story interwines with the next two characters on this list.

9. Tenar from Earthsea. like Ged, we get to see most of her life throughout the books. book 2 contains her coming of age story, while Tehanu features her as a widow, struggling between the life of an ordinary woman and her status in the mythology of Earthsea. she brings so much fire, mirth, and strength to the series. she’s someone I wish I had in my life, and if you really pressed me, she’s my favorite character Le Guin ever wrote. 

10. Tehanu from Earthsea. this character is a strange one to try to write about. I’ve seen people criticize her writing by saying there’s nothing to her, she’s just a vessel for the story. but I can’t agree. as someone who’s known people who went through severe childhood trauma, I think that Tehanu is written with thought and care. I love how unnerving and unknowable she is, but also how she is written like she’s any other child. the ending of her story in the final book made me sob and sob and sob. 

sources for the last three images because they’re fanart: 1, 2, 3

[popsicletheduck]

Tumblr has denied me a notif about you answering my ask. Very rude. Anyway i Big Care Mosca and Ash now and ending on Ash calling Mosca kadan took me Out. Pls tell me about their one-sided enemies-to-friends speedrun (or anything else you wanna), I'm all ears (P.s. it doesn't matter when you answer this, could be a while from now and I'd still be interested, i don't wanna drag you into typing up essays for me if you've got more pressing things to put your energy towards!!)

haha, my evil plan to inflict my blorbo feelings on my friend has been a success!! I am an evil genius!! (also, I appreciate the concern, but don't worry, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. this brainrot is terminal)

okay, the one-sided enemies-to-friends speedrun, aka the first week or so Mosca and Ash knew each other. I'm gonna try my best to make this readable and coherent and not go off on long tangents, but where the story of the first udaak fight took place mostly over a single session, this story spans many, and draws a lot more on both characters' backstories, so it's probably gonna be a bit more scattered. and longer. definitely longer.

So this story actually starts many months ago (both in and out of game), when Ash first got pulled through a portal from his home world of Thedas to... somewhere else. See, this game is a multiverse game, with characters drawn from a variety of different worlds who ping around the multiverse working to stop chaos on the behalf of a strange group of mutiversal entities called The Quanta. Now, I wasn't there when the game started, so all this information comes courtesy of my good friend who plays Ash. Ash took this transition outwardly pretty damn well, but inwardly... he'd been raised in an anti-magic cult (which is a gross oversimplification of things, but a full explanation would be long and complicated, so this will do), taken from the only home he'd ever known, was now stuck with people who he previously would've considered purposeless things, didn't speak the language particularly well (apparently even worse than currently) and was constantly surrounded by unsettling, fucked up magic. There was a lot going on for him that he lacked the ability to express or anyone he trusted enough to express it to. So he kinda just... sat with it, until slowly things got better. He learned to trust and care about the people he was with, he learned to be less scared of magic (some of the later involved talking to a Skyrim dragon which I wish was a joke but is not).

So time goes on, and we jump forward to the moment Mosca joined the party. See, Mosca also unexpectedly got pulled through a portal, but Mosca got pulled through a portal in the middle of a fight. As in, they were fighting, and a portal appeared and swept towards them, and then on the other side of the portal the party was also in a fight. Which means their introduction to Ash is watching him in a rage use the skull of an undead to kill another undead. It was... memorable to say the least, but not necessarily in a good way (yes Mosca also killed a bunch of undead in that fight, yes one of those kills involved violent decapitation, I never said they weren't a hypocrite).

So Mosca is introduced to the multiverse, and let's just say they don't take the change gracefully. They're not as scared of magic as Ash was (or is), but they don't like it and they don't trust it, and they are suddenly surrounded by it. They had also spent the last six months without seeing another living person, and the change to suddenly being with a party at all times is jarring to say the least. By their second day they're curled up outside a tavern having a panic attack. And the one who ends up sitting with them is Ash. See, Ash understands what it's like to struggle with the transition and sees a lot of himself in Mosca. It's cathartic for him to have someone else who doesn't trust magic, and he has a lot of empathy for them.

Mosca, on the other hand, does not trust him in the slightest. Ash is Big and Strong and Very Clearly A Threat. This is unfortunately and accidentally only amplified by an interaction maybe two days into knowing each other? After another fight in which Mosca is triggered to hell and back by the smell of gunpowder (backstory thing), they end up screaming at Ash to fuck off when he attempts to help. Ash actually takes this fine, but Mosca, once they calm down, is afraid they've made him hate them, which they need him not to do only because their patron is starting to make it clear that they're going to be stuck with these people for at least the foreseeable future. So Mosca goes to apologize. Ash waves the apology off, but in the process of trying to explain why an apology isn't necessary because he understands what they're going through, he ends up explaining what happens to mages in the cult that he was raised in. I'm... not going to explain here because it's... uncomfortable and a bit graphic, but suffice to say, Ash does explain. And Mosca, who previously had been hunted for having magic, takes this very, very badly. In their mind now Ash is a ticking time bomb, that will explode into violence the moment he figures out that they have magic (which they have been attempting to hide... poorly).

So this is where the one-sided enemies-to-friends comes in, because Mosca is convinced that there is a very real possibility of Ash killing them at some future date, while Ash could not be more chill. Mosca is in the corner plotting way to try and fight him if necessary while Ash is just like "neat, new companion, they seem like they might be cool". He is completely unaware that Mosca is terrified of him until...

Well, while traveling the party found a massive, and massively magical, skull, and some of the party decided to fuck around inside said skull and then came out with funky colored eyes and temporary magical bonuses and Mosca, well... kinda snapped.

"Grave of the gods, you're all insane! The only one here who has any sense is him" pointing to Ash, "and he-"

And there they very abruptly cut off, suddenly aware that you shouldn't accuse someone of plotting to kill you. Because either you are right, and they will, or you are wrong, and because of the accusation they then might.

"And he what?" Ash asks. Mosca makes no reply at all, just silence. The party eventually moves on. That night at camp Ash tries again.

"Do we have a problem?"

And Mosca, in one of the worst lies in their life, just says, "No."

Ash is, of course, not fooled by this, but understands there's no trying to talk to them about it now. He's patient. He can wait.

He doesn't have to wait long, because this is where the speedrun comes in. I can't remember the exact timeline, it might've been that night, it might've been a few days later, but not long after all that, Mosca has a dream. They've had a few interactions with the patron, but up to this point their patron hasn't been particularly direct, not since the making of the pact. They are, after all, dying. Their communications have been sparse to nonexistent. But Mosca gets a dream from their patron, where they end up in a cabin sitting across from them, as their patron explains that there are no more living people in their home world. The only thing left are the undead. That's why six months passed without Mosca seeing anyone else. There was no one else to see. Mosca's quest to save their world from the undead has unequivocally failed. And their patron does set them on the path to fixing thing, pointing them in the direction of, essentially, time travel. Reverse time to a point before the undead curse happened and then make sure it doesn't. But in the moment, Mosca can really only focus on the overwhelming weight of their failure and being the last survivor from their whole world.

After this dream they spend two hours alone on watch, stewing in all these feelings. And then the end of their watch comes, and they wake their replacement, who happens to be Ash. And they should just go back to bed, but. They can't. How in the world do you even begin to process something like that?

Well, for Mosca, they ended up spilling it to Ash, just to say it out loud to someone. It's disjointed and awkward and not at all the whole picture, but they tell him they can't go home. That they're the only one left. And he responds by telling them he can't go home either. The cult he grew up in would kill him on sight if they ever found him. And when Mosca explains that they never hated him but that they were scared of him, that they've been running for years from people who want them dead, Ash says that they're part of the group now, so he's going to protect them, and that their problems are the group's problems, and if those people show up, they'll take care of it. And Mosca, in the grip of grief and desperate for any comfort or reassurance, believes him. Maybe not fully, maybe not completely, not yet, but enough to understand that he's not a threat to them, and that he understands what it means for them to have lost their home and be surrounded by magic they're uncomfortable with. And they stand with him on watch for the next couple of hours, but they do so not wearing their mask. The symbol of their paranoia and lack of trust.

Because no matter what else happens (and so much has happened since then) Mosca and Ash's trust in each other is complete and unshakable. For all that Mosca doesn't trust themself, and for all that they believe that Ash shouldn't trust them, he does. And for all that Mosca is a terrible, suspicious bastard who trusts no one, they trust Ash. That, more than anything else, is the foundation for all that has come since, and no matter how often they argue (and boy have they argued), that trust still stands unbreakable.

[platonicpinotnoir]

How to reconcile with yourself/others when you like bad things - loose thoughts, discussion encouraged

What I've been wanting to talk about for a while now is .... Well. Creating morbid stories is valuable and important for a multitude of reasons that this post isn't about. But what do you do when the other part of you, or a better part of you, or a future part of you, starts to feel oddly about it?

Isn't there a way to integrate? Can't the light hold the darkness's hand?

I really don't know. Do intentions matter? Should the self-forgiveness adhere to conventions of morality, or should it be unconditional?

How is one organism meant to feel about the stories they haven't finished, and no longer live in? Should those stories be finished? ... How could they be?

Feeling sick about a sick story seems appropriate. So maybe there's no issue here?

But sometimes one is in a macabre way, and the sickness is thrilling and cathartic. Other times, one may feel duly disturbed, and eschew it.

How do we navigate these opposing realities that coexist? Inevitably, we flow back and forth between these states; at least, until something is digested and passed.

...But what will you do with the scraps left behind? Stories unwritten, poems unfinished? It feels sad to leave them to die, but we can't deny that staying loyal to them does hold you back.

It's a complicated thing, just day-to-day, when you factor in the forces of habit. If something is morbidly piquant, and at once brought me joy, I'm inclined to repeatedly bring it back up. To milk it for all that it's worth. Even when past the natural mood that initially incurred it; even when the Lessons that are Learned are not Relevant in the current state.

Additionally, the powerful and pervasive life-long habit of isolation - which is Not Good For You - is EXACERBATED when foul things are on the mind. Being around good people feels sick and wrong when you feel sick and wrong inside. You become unable to accept the good things as they come, and you forfeit grace in favor of the comfort of depravity.

And there's one more hugely complicating factor. WHAT IF SHIT'S FUNNY? Does that make it okay to think about? If you're laughing, does that make you exempt from the disdain of others? Nevermind that you know otherwise - if other people, if the good people, may believe that finding humor is less damning than finding thrill, then that vindicates you, doesn't it?

Is the answer to just ... BE WEIRD as it comes, but have the grace to EXIT THE WEIRDNESS when good people catch you in their eyes and bring their goodness to you?

The matter of forgiveness should perhaps be a given. You cannot blame somebody for what drives them to wretched things. But, there's a point where it becomes more harmful than helpful to the self.

FOR EXAMPLE: A few weeks ago, various distressing events occurred on one day for me. After the first thing I lied curled-up on my bed for two hours about it. My body tends to talk to me these days because I try to listen - but not a word from her this time. I was stone stiff and grey inside. The following week I was tenser than usual. The tension in my jaw was particularly cumbersome and aggravating; because while I try my best to listen, I still don't know what's being said; and though I can find the tension in my body, I do not know how to alleviate it. My shoulders and neck were also more tense than usual.

I suppose that I'm back to my usual levels of tension now, and when I pay attention, I can feel the muscles in my legs and shoulders peep-peep-peeping like baby chickens trying to hatch. This I prefer to the stone-stiffness!

But at the time: being IN that sort of stoniness, I found that the only thing that made me feel alive was awful things! They flowed so naturally out of me. This is the way that it usually goes: empty people fill themselves with wild monstrosities!

^ This is a bold statement for me to make when I was just referring to, like, putting dragon ball characters into situations of emotional (sexual?) abuse. And watching The Graduate (1967) because the way that Mrs. Robinson and Benjamin interact in that one quintessential and classic scene is just so hilarious and priceless.

When those certain macabre moods hit, it's more than fun, more than thrilling, to dwell on bad things; it almost sustaining. It feels vital.

But when one loosens up, or comes out of something, or slowly chews and processes - yucky things becomes less nourishing! Even if it's strikingly relevant to you - you just become less interested in and less thrilled by citing the unfortunate patterns in our world. But that doesn't mean that you become entirely incapable of continuing a habit, dwelling on an unfortunate story that once brought you joy, or dreaming of sordid and meaningful projects.

And there are good things in my life. There are good, mature people who bring around their well-loved children. It's perturbing to feel only emptiness in the face of nice things, but it's alright when you know that this isn't how you'll be for forever, and when you know that despite your coldness, you do want the best for people! BUT. This habit of (previously self-preserving, now maladaptive) iciness is not broken easily when you think about how these good people would respond if they saw your wicked corners. It's difficult to lean into the light when you know that what's in your sketchbooks isn't for decent company.

^ You could say that, well, good and mature people understand and respect art, and know how to move on when they find something personally vile. The ones who care don't matter, and the ones who matter don't care.

^ You could say that scrambling to justify yourself with claims such as artistic freedom is only perpetrating the cage that you live in. (In fact, I've spent a lot of time articulating what I do and what's in my head for my own sake, but also so that I could potentially share it - and have a decent enough case for its defense!)

Should I just not worry what others think at all, and just banish the concerns when they creep into my mind? Or are they valid concerns, and it is my inner light calling, and I should change for it?

IS there an easy answer here? Does one STOP peddling Bad Things, or do they become Confident that it's OKAY to do so?

Keeping yourself sick in the head helps justify the self-isolation; is this habit of isolation comorbid with the affinity for sickness, and perhaps should be interpreted separately?

Are we evaluating the person as a whole, or allowing the logic of components: are we turning the other cheek for some things, or incorporating it into our understanding of them? Are we doing so with compassion, or judgement? Is the judgement fair and due?

Ultimately, I don't know things! Does anyone have any insight on this sort of situation? Any personal stories, any learnings from literature?

**Hey ... If you're seeing this post right now and the timestamp is ... a while ago, and you're not sure if you should engage - go on ahead! This blog has 1 follower right now, so any foot traffic would be from the future anyway.

[lululawrence]

lululawrence’s May 2021 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Fic List Podcast Masterpost

May somehow managed to escape my grasp and here we are again! I got a weekend away from the kids this month, which allowed me the chance to finally read for hours on end, and I therefore have quite a few fics to talk about! They were truly amazing, I loved every single one, and I hope you appreciate them too!

If you’d like to hear me share my excitement about these fics verbally and in more detail, you can listen to this month’s podcast here.

As always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Just for Tonight (I can be yours) by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren (42k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, A/B/O, Royalty AU, Alpha Louis, Omega Harry, Innocent Harry, Sheltered Harry, Arranged Marriage, Friends to Lovers, Angst with a Happy Ending, but HOW DO THEY GET THERE?? lol, Mpreg, Heat/Rut, Poor as shit sex education lmao, Okay but for real the world building in this was incredible, I can still see the pictures in my mind that I conjured up for certain parts of this fic, It is incredible and the PINING AND ANGST OMG)

reckless serenade by @thepolourryexpress /  thepolourryexpress (4k, E, Harry/Louis, Girl Direction, This one is a bit hard to explain lmao, ....Non-Established Relationship.... relationship, it makes sense in the fic lol, clueless idiots in love, there we go, friends to lovers, humor, fluff, This is beyond sweet and fucking sexy)

a little tenderness by @disgruntledkittenface / disgruntledkittenface (11k, NR, Harry/Niall, 1D A/B/O Fest fic, Alpha Harry, Omega Niall, Touch Deprivation, Nesting, Cuddling, Scenting, Ace Harry, Fluff, Okay listen this fic was so fucking soft I cannot express to you, It was HEALING, I cryyyyyy it was just so beautiful)

What if I'm someone you won't talk about? by @louloubabys1992 / louloubaby92 (58k, M, Harry/Louis, Fine Line Fest fic, Song Fic, Based on Falling, Famous/Non-Famous, Childhood Sweethearts, Exes to Lovers, Kind of but not really at the same time?, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending but there’s fucking angst okay? lol, Hurt/Comfort, Sex Work, Exploitation, References to Rape, PTSD, There’s a lot of dark shit in here, please please please read the tags and keep yourself safe, But if you can handle it then fuck it was an fascinating story for sure!)

When Least Expected by @all-these-larrythings / Rearviewdreamer (22k, M, Harry/Louis, Quarantine Fic, Single Parent Louis, Teacher Harry, Mentions of Depression, Online Dating? Kind of?, Maybe it’s more like Long Distance dating, except they’re in the same city, anyway, Pining, Flirting, Oblivious boys, Soft, This fic was the epitome of soft, It was so incredibly healing to read it, So cathartic and beautiful and lovely, It just made me so happy and at peace reading this fic, and I really didn’t expect that from a quarantine fic tbh)

so c'mon c'mon (and dance with me baby) by @rockstarlouis / theweightofmywords (3k, NR, Harry/Louis, New Year’s Fic, Meet Cute, Louke are together at the beginning but it doesn’t last long, Work Party, but neither Louis or Harry work there lololol, Humor, Drinking, Dancing, This fic was just so short and sweet and fun I loved it)

Pound Cake by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything (2k, NR, Harry/Louis, Butthole Series fic, Hurt Louis, Sad Louis, Harry’s birthday, Friends to Lovers, Crack fic lmao, Misunderstandings, This fic was so funny but also somehow sweet, while still being about buttholes, Lauren is a magician what can I say lol)

Get Burned By the Fire by Anonymous (13k, NR, Shawn/Niall, Heartbreak Weather Fest fic, Song Fic, based on Small Talk, Bartender Niall, Mysterious Shawn, Casual Sex, I think that’s how you’d define their arrangement? lol, Pining, Harry and Louis are together and Niall’s besties and coworkers, They’re hilarious through all of this, Even though it’s casual sex or meant to be anyway, It defo is also like... a Breakup Fic, and also Exes to Lovers, Supernatural Elements, It’s all complicated and sooooo fucking gooooood)

The Shooting Star Of Promises And Fears by darkpoets (2k, NR, Harry/Louis, Soulmates, Wishes, This fic is incredibly hard to explain or describe, because the style and feel of it is incredibly unique, It feels almost floaty while you read it, if that makes sense)

Getting a Room by bluespring864 (2k, G, Lewis/Niall, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Idiots in Love, Banter, Listen this fic is short but packed to the brim with feels, omgggggg SO MANY FEELS, and so so lovely the way it comes together, but also hilarious too?, it’s just very THEM, I could also hear all the lines Lewis says in this fic in his accent, I heard his voice speaking them in my head, and I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud as I sat reading, surrounded by strangers lmao, It was so awkward but worth it)

Caves End by @jacaranda-bloom / jacaranda_bloom (40k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Famous/Non-Famous, Farmer Louis, Rancher Louis is maybe better?, I’ll put both cause Dee said farmer lmao, Footballer Harry, Australia fic, Horseback Riding, Angst, Miscommunication, Dee’s tags about that are hilarious please read them, Hurt/Comfort, This fic is just EVERYTHING, okay, It was so incredibly good)

and all I think about is you and safer by your side (parts 4 and 5 of where the lights are beautiful) by @polkadotlou / twoshipsdrifting (1k each, T, Harry/Louis, Alternate Universe, A/B/O, Alpha Harry, Omega Louis, Established Relationship, Mentions of Heat, Drabbles, Listen this whole series is amazing, and if you haven’t read it then these drabbles won’t have the same power they do otherwise, but they are SO DAMN GOOD OKAY)

Counterculture by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren (6k, E, Harry/Louis, Omega Harry Fest, A/B/O, Omega Harry, Alpha Louis, Famous/Non-Famous, Underground Clubs, Pack Dynamics, Scenting, Public Sex, Orgies, Pregnancy and Lactation Kink, Like... this fic is FILTHY while still having super cool worldbuilding elements in it, and it’s kinky as shit cause Sada, In other words this is fantastic)

Say Something by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything (105k, E, Harry/Louis, Alternate Universe, A/B/O, Alpha Louis, Omega Harry, Older Harry, Age Difference, Heat/Rut Partners, Friends to Lovers, Kind of?, It’s Complicated lol, MPreg, Divorced Harry, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Harry has a lot of shit to work through, It all works out and it’s so fucking good)

The Until Series by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 (62k total, Harry/Louis (parts 1 and 3), Niall/Shawn (Part 2), Big Bang fic and Heartbreak Weather Fest fic, Song Fic, Seriously the whole albums is basically the inspiration lol, Cowboy Harry, Child Actor Harry, Cowboy Shawn, Songwriter Louis, Singer Niall, Farm Fic, Enemies to Lovers, Misunderstanding, So good just all of it, Dumb boys in love lol)

That Smile and That Midnight Laugh by @uhoh-but-yeah-alright / yeah_alright (50k, T, Harry/Louis, but also Harry/Nick at the beginning, Big Bang fic, Girl Direction, Based on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, It’s like an extension and starts where the movie ended, So cool in that way I loved it, Grimmy and Louis are step-siblings, Friends to Lovers, No Cheating if that’s a concern, Sexuality Crisis but it’s more of like a Gay Awakening, Coming of Age story in that way, So freaking soft like omg, I just really freaking loved this fic)

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Only Vampires

(Story Post)

Nari wasn't sure why he trusted these two vampires, but he wanted to know what they knew and so he followed them to their home. They didn't live more than a block north of where the library stood. They must've lived there a long time to afford such a big house, but then again, he had no idea what the housing market was like here. Either way, any active and diligent vamp over 100 years old could secure themself considerable wealth if they tried. Nari himself hadn't focused on capital during the majority of his life though, but he still did well for himself. The front doors of the house were very big, with stained glass windows, but Wesley and Everett took him around to the back door which was average sized and let no light in. This wasn't an issue right now as it was an hour to midnight, but he guessed that any daytime travel came through here, so they'd grown accustomed to it.

Inside was a small mudroom with another door at the other end. Nari waited for Everett to take off his shoes before he removed his own because wasn't sure what the traditions were in this country, but he was only further confused when Wesley took his shoes off but Everett kept them on. “Um, shoes on or off?” Nari had to ask. Wesley wacked Everett's leg with his loafer. “Shoes off, please.” Nari was relieved and did as told. “Alright.” “I'm not sure why we adopted that,” Everett said, reluctantly removing his footwear and then promptly putting on a pair of slippers. “My family always wore their shoes inside, his family wore shoes inside… Not to mention, it doesn't matter at all what Wesley wears.” “It's for our housemates,” Wesley said. “We have several housemates from across the world, you'll find Nari. The general consensus has been shoes off. We do our best to be accommodating.” He then proceeded to pull out a set of wheel slippers and socks and maneuvered them onto his chair. Nari thought for a second and then raised a hand. “I hope you don't think I need somewhere to stay. I'm well established.” “No, no,” Wesley said. “We just like to help anyone when it comes to library matters. As you may have noticed, it is not very accessible to all vamps of all shapes, abilities, and colours. We like to help anyone find the knowledge they need.” Nari nodded. “I see. So you steal the books for them.” “I told you, we borrow them,” Everett said as he led them through to the main hall. “Evie does think of himself as a modern-day Robin Hood of Knowledge, though,” Wesley said. The main hall was a lot more modern than Nari expected for a house apparently full of vampires. It was open concept with a lovely kitchen with granite counter tops. Further on was the living room and stairs, both up to the next floor and down to the basement. An elevator had also been installed beside the stairs for easier access to all floors. Nari’s hosts took him down to the basement, which was set up as a games room and study. There was pool, and darts, and even a pinball machine on one side. Some lounge chairs, a sofa, and a set of bookshelves on the other. There, they found another pair of vampires, one with her nose in a book, the other passed out on the couch, an open book on his chest. “Ah, glad some of you are here,” Wesley said going over to the reading nook. “Inaya, please meet Nari. We met him at the library.” The conscious vampire got up and smiled. She wore a hijab and had big round eyes framed with detailed eyeliner. She offered a hand to Nari. “Nice to meet you. Are you looking at a room?” “No, no, I’m just getting a little extra help with my research,” Nari said shaking her hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve never met, well, a vampire like you.” “A hijabi vampire?” Inaya chuckled. “Me neither. That’s why I’m here.” “To find more?” Nari asked. “No, to learn about being a vampire,” Inaya said. “I didn’t know anything about them really until I was turned, and I didn’t have any other vampires around to teach me. Figuring out how to be a vampire and muslim at the same time is difficult. Blood is haram, you see.” “Ah.” Nari nodded. “Have the books been helpful?” “Some, yes. Wesley seems to know how to find me good reads,” Inaya said. “I’ve tried entering the library on my own, but it’s always been a hassle. They always find some excuse not to let us in.” “I understand,” Nari said rollimg his eyes. “It's a different excuse each time.” Everett went over and kicked the end of the couch to wake its occupant. “Rise, Jeremiah! Meet our guest!” Wesley frowned. “Evie, let the boy sleep. He's probably been studying tirelessly, the poor kid.” It was too later however and the sleepy vampire stirred and sat up, rubbing his eyes. The book he had been reading fell off his chest and onto the floor. The bang made him curse and scramble to pick it up. “Shit, it better not be busted… These old ass books…” “Language, Jeremiah. You know the rules,” Everett scolded. “Shit, sorry, Ev,” the vampire huffed. “Not my fault you woke me up.” “I have half the mind to discipline you,” Everett said, crossing his arms. “Yeah, that’ll look good, you pasty old Brit beating my black ass…” the young vampire mocked. He noticed Nari. “Who’s this little mosquito?” Wesley put a hand on Nari's shoulder. “This is Nari. We're helping him in his research.” The other got up and offered a hand to the newcomer. “It's Jez, but these old farts insist on calling me by my whole name like they're my damn mother or something.” Everett huffed. “Seriously, if you don't straighten out your language, I'll—” “The entire concept of vulgar language is inherently racist,” Jez interrupted, his entire diction changing just to prove a point to old Everett. “My use of swearing is not abusive, but instead cathartic, emphatic and idiomatic, forms of swearing that are not meant to offend anyone. For you to tell me what words I can and cannot say is a blatant form of oppression and reduces my abilities to cope with pain or misfortune.” Everett frowned, his lips pursed. “Fine. But could you tone it down just a bit?” “No.” Wesley came up behind Everett and patted his back. “Relax. We're all adults. Anyway, where's Paolo?” “He's in his room,” Inaya said. “Probably working.” “Ah, okay. Nari can meet him later,” Wesley said approaching the coffee table. From out of nowhere, he pulled out a book and offered it to Inaya. “I found an Arabic tome with stories from Turkey in it. I’m hoping it might help you.” “Oh! Maybe!” Inaya took the book gratefully. “I appreciate it, Wes!” “Where did you pull that book from?” Nari asked, a bit dumbfounded. “The library?” Wesley said, a little confused by the question. “No, I mean… I didn't notice it on your person before,” Nari said. “Oh! It's pocket magic,” Wesley said. “Easier than carrying them around.” “Pocket magic is some real basic level shit,” Jez said, eyeing Nari. “If you don't know that, what abilities do you have?” Nari shook his head. “…I never learned vampire magic. Well, except a blood purifying spell I found the other day.” Everett placed his hands on Nari's shoulders. “Oh dear, so you've just been going about your life with all the cons and none of the pros to the whole vampire thing? Sounds miserable!” Nari frowned. “I didn't know I could learn any of it…” “You absolutely can!” Everett said. “We will show you the basics.” “Honestly, it's fine…” Nari said. “I don't plan on sticking around long, and my partner has enough magic for the both of us…” “Your partner knows magic but you didn't know you could learn it?” Inaya asked. “They didn't try to teach you?” “He’s not a vampire,” Nari said. “He doesn't know what I'm capable of doing as one.” “What is he, then?” Jez asked. “A dragon?” “No, he's a wizard,” Nari said. “A wizard?” Wesley inquired, his voice a little concerned. “Like, a human wizard?” “Uh, yes,” Nari said. “The magic isn't the same, though he's convinced he can learn vampire stuff…” Everett started shaking his head. “Do you always engage in romantic relationships with humans?” “Yes.” Nari frowned, reading the negative energy coming from his acquaintances. “You say that like it's bad. Are you going to tell me we're not supposed to do that? It's taboo or something?” “No, it's fine! I mean…” Everett put his hands on Wesley's shoulders. “He was unturned when I fell for him…” “But we weren't trying to reproduce, that’s for sure,” Wesley said. He placed a hand on Nari’s arm. “It’s no wonder you’ve been having trouble… You can't have children with humans. It never works.” Nari clenched his jaw. “That's not…My information came to a 1-in-8 chance that a vampire can complete live birth.” “It's more complicated than that,” Everett said, pulling out one of the books be grabbed. “It's likely the one successful time out of eight, their partner was another vampire. The odds are much better with two vampires. Like, 1-in-3.” He opened to a page that displayed a large family tree on it. “Any time in history that a vampire successfully completed a pregnancy, both parents were vampires. Any pairings with children from one unturned and a vampire were from before the vampiric parent had turned. Or, there has also been the occasional time a vampire sired a child with an unturned person, but it is rarer.” Nari frowned and sat down on the couch. “But…I… Isn’t there any magic that can help?” Wesley shook his head. “Not that we've found. Your best bet is to try with a vampire.” “But I don't want a child from someone else…” Nari said. “I want one with Diederich.” “I'm surprised you even date unturned,” Jez commented. “It's sad stuff watching humans grow old and die all the time…” “Diederich isn't just any human, he's immortal too,” Nari said. “He knows really powerful skills and spells.” Jez rolled his eyes. “So, easy fix. Just turn him.” Nari shook his head. “No, I can't do that.” “I could teach you,” Everett said. “Or I could do it.” Nari glared. “No, I don't want to turn him. I wouldn't do that to someone.” Everett sighed. “Nari, I don't know what to tell you. Your goal is to have a baby with your partner. Both of you need to be vampires for that to happen. That's all there is. We don't have any other advice.” Nari looked down at his hands, his eyes brimming with tears. “So, all those times I tried… Complete waste of time...” Wesley rubbed Nari’s shoulder. “You didn't know…” He looked to Everett. “Would you give us a moment? All of you.” “Of course, love,” Everett said, kissing Wesley on the forehead. “Come along now, children.” “We are not your kids,” Jez groaned as he got up reluctantly and followed Inaya and Everett upstairs. Once they were alone, Wesley sighed and rubbed Nari's arm. “Before you turned, did you have any children?” Nari slowly and sniffled. “Yes… My son, Tae-seok. He was just a baby when I turned…” “Is he alive?” Wesley asked. “No… He passed away around the turn of the millennia…” Wesley sighed. “When did you start trying for another baby?” “We tried for several years when Tae-seok was young… But his father, Eun-young, died in a factory accident when Tae-seok was still a child. I didn't try again until well after my son passed away too.” “With your current partner?” Wesley asked. Nari shook his head. “No, my previous relationship. It was an accident… But I wanted it to work out. I had a little hope.” “I'm really sorry, Nari,” Wesley said. “It must be difficult to hear about the circumstances of your pursuit… And I'm sorry about Evie. He thinks turning people will always fix everything. It doesn't.” “But he's right though… If Diederich were a vampire, we'd have a much better chance,” Nari said spreading his hands. “If he were turned, we could try…” Wesley shook his head. “I can tell, you don't want to do that. It sounds like your experience with being a vampire has been more negative than positive and you don't want to subject someone else to that.” “I don't. Diederich is… He’s so lovely, and he's happy…” Nari said. “I don't want to take that from him.” “I understand. It isn’t easy. I don't always love being a vampire either… And I certainly wouldn't make that decision for someone else,” Wesley said. “You do realise that if you did manage to give birth to a baby, you'd be choosing a life as a vampire for them too?” Nari blinked. “Yes, but… I…” He paused. “…With Diederich, since he's unturned, I thought that they might not be…” “Well, even if you could reproduce with a normal human being, you’re a vampire. Your kids would be vampires.” Nari grit his teeth. “…I guess I just…you know, if I could have a baby again, I didn't care what they were… But now just saying it, that’s sounds so incredibly selfish… To subject my own child to the exact same curse I've suffered for their entire life…” Wesley rubbed Nari's knee. “I think you need to think about your situation and talk to your partner. Really work out what path makes the most sense for both of you, and any possible children in the mix. What's best for everyone is what is important.” Nari nodded slowly. “Yes… I just want to be with Diederich… I should go…” Wesley checked his watch. “Where are you staying? Evie can drive you over.” “It's okay, I can walk…” “No way, this time of night, any drunk vampires tumbling out of a bar will want to pick a fight, and while I'm not saying you can't hold your own, you don't know much magic and vampires around the library know their stuff.” Nari sighed and told Wesley his hotel. “I do appreciate you guys trying to help me… You’re honestly the nicest vampires I've ever met.” “Aw, it's nothing,” Wesley said going to the elevator. “Each of us understands the difficulty of being accepted in the vampire world. But we've been very lucky and those who have should give.” “So, is this sort of a boarding house for vampires using the library?” Nari asked. “Sort of… We keep the rent super cheap though because the house was paid off many, many years ago. Our housemates just split utilities. Evie and I cover the taxes and insurance.” Wesley smiled. “If you ever need somewhere to stay, we'll be here. First month is free for long term. Of course, we won't charge you if you just want to come over and visit.” Nari nodded. “That's more than generous, thank you.” They rode the elevator together and met with Everett at the back of the house. “Good talk?” Everett asked, spinning his car keys. “Yes, I think so,” Wesley said. “Inaya and Jeremiah are back in their rooms, then?” “Yeah.” Everett unlocked the door. “Alright, Nari. We won't keep you any longer than you'd like. Wes said you needed a ride, yes? Come along.” Nari blinked. “When did he tell you?” “Come on, now.” Everett placed his hands on his hips. “You really do need a rundown on basic magic. You could teach toddlers mind connection.” “I really don't know anything, then…” Nari frowned following him out. Wesley waved as they left. “Hope to see you soon!” Nari waved again before going to the garage with Everett. “You should consider coming back tomorrow night,” Everett said, unlocking the car. “Jeremiah will teach you everything you need to know.” “I might take him up on that. At least I'll have gotten something out of this trip.” “Well, there you go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” “Hm… Yes, I suppose.” “Oh, and you still have to meet Paolo! He’s Asian like you too! Wouldn’t guess from his name though, would you?” “You really don’t think before you speak, do you?” “Hey, respect your elders.” “Sorry, grandpa.”

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: Elizabeth Olsen and Jurnee Smollett Compare Notes on Genre-Blending Acting and Advocating for Performers on Set

VARIETY: Neither Elizabeth Olsen nor Jurnee Smollett are strangers to having to really stretch their imaginations to dive into complex characters and even more complicated worlds.

Both have superhero films on their résumés: Smollett portrayed Black Canary in DC’s “Birds of Prey,” while Olsen stepped into Wanda Maximoff aka the Scarlet Witch’s shoes for Marvel’s “Avengers” franchise and then some — including Disney Plus’ first Marvel series, “WandaVision.” They are both now Emmy-nominated for projects that tasked them with jumping through time, blending genres and telling epic love stories (Olsen with “WandaVision,” Smollett with HBO’s “Lovecraft Country”). And, even though they are up in different categories (Olsen in lead limited series/TV movie actress; Smollett in lead drama actress), both of these shows are one-season wonders, leaving the performers and their audiences wanting more.

Olsen and Smollett dissected all that of when Variety brought them together post-nominations to talk about their celebrated roles and surreal playgrounds.

You both had a lot of magical or otherwise surreal elements to interact with on your shows. What did you actually have in front of you to react to on set?

Jurnee Smollett: We were very fortunate on “Lovecraft Country” because the whole VFX team worked so hard to create an atmosphere that was also practical in our space. I remember on Episode 3, the exorcism scene, we shot it over a course of three days and, while there was not a man in real life with a baby head on him, you’ve got the wind machines and the pictures are blowing and all the special effects makeup is being touched up. Atticus [Jonathan Majors] has pretty much turned into a rabid dog and I’m doing this spell with my ancestors and whether they were shooting behind us or shooting the elements, we were at our max capacity regardless because that’s just how we approach the craft. It was such a big sequence to shoot that that’s when the actor in you has to advocate for your instrument. I did go to the director and say, “Can you jump in and cross shoot Jonathan and I?” As an actor it is our job to shoot however many takes, however many angles you need, but then it is also our job to advocate for yourselves. And I love playing in this space because you get to use your imagination you get to go to crazy places. Because even while the practical elements are there; you get to go to crazy places. But I was grateful for the practical elements because it’s just so much easier.

Elizabeth Olsen: Did they have pre-viz so you knew what some of the supernatural elements looked like?

Smollett: With the Shoggoths they not only had a pre-viz for us, but for some of the scenes they had massive sculptures, like a dude standing there in a green suit with a Shoggoth head. The pilot we didn’t have this puppet, but by Episode 8, maybe we got more of a budget or something, but eventually we did get a puppet — which was really cool because you could see, “This is the moment his mouth is opening.” But also, Misha [Green], our showrunner, she just wants more blood, more dirt. She’d try to get them to blow spittle at us.

Olsen: That’s so gross!

Smollett: This concoction of Shoggoth spit, throwing it in front of this wind machine. I find the more practical stuff we have to work with, it just helps so much. And then there were the moments where it’s like, “No it’s just a green tennis ball and an X, and go.” How about you?

Olsen: For all those little things in the air and stuff in the ’50s, it was really important to our director [Matt Shakman] that we did everything ala “Bewitched.” It was all camera tricks, it was all wires. Our head of special effects had a lineage of a father who [did] special effects before him, and so puppetry and wire work and stuff like that were things that were already in his vocabulary, but we would have our special effect guys who are used to blowing things up and putting things on fire just balancing and making sure things aren’t swinging but they have to move. Even in the ’70s when she’s pregnant and everything’s in chaos, we really had a picture on the wall going in circles; they just figured out things with magnets.

When we were filming the finale, it was during COVID, during the fires last summer, and we shot Kathryn [Hahn’s] side at the beginning of the episode when she has my boys with her magic — we had to shoot them out because you always have to shoot the side with the kid out and also Kathryn was doing wires for the first time and of course it was with a corset and it was really hot and really bad air quality and so she had to be sent home by the medic at the end of the day. And so, on my side we were running out of days, and I think we had 35 minutes to shoot my side and my reactions to all of that, and there’s quite a bit of back and forth and throwing myself to the ground and hitting a different mark that will then stitch with the stunt double being pulled. I did a weird one-woman show sans kids, sans Kathryn. Our stand-ins were such a huge part of our show and I was so grateful to have them they’re reading lines with me, and our director, Matt Shakman, was like, “If you feel like you can’t do this, we’ll just do this tomorrow.” That gave an adrenaline rush to me and it just became, “I’m just going to do it.” There’s a lot of fear when you’re like, “Oh I don’t have the elements and I am on my own, literally.” But I’ve had to do this before and I’m just scared to do it because I feel stupid. But I already look kind of stupid — I’m shooting things out of my hands — so why don’t I just lean into it as full as possible and just do it and find it in some core, guttural space of desperation? That day was bizarre, but I was actually very happy that I didn’t put it off. I feel like sometimes as actors when there are things that make us nervous it’s like, “Oh we don’t have enough time to explore so let’s do it the next day if we can,” and then you’re in your head all night about it. And so, it’s nice to just do it, even if it feels silly.

Smollett: I’d imagine surrendering and using the fear and all that that you were feeling probably served you so well in it.

Olsen: And don’t you feel that, though? When you feel unsupported you just want to break down in tears and you’re not supposed to break down in tears or you’re not supposed to have those it’s those feelings in the moment, but there are other times where it is really useful and there’s something freeing about channeling it in some way.

Smollett: Yeah and it’s that word you just used: freeing. Being able to surrender — leap and the net will appear. And you’re right, if you would have gone home, you probably would have come back the next day and you would have overthought it. There’s something about using the adrenaline in that moment that I don’t think you can really teach an actor to do; it’s just experience. Because we go and we prep and we do all these things, and then you get to the set and there’s one distraction, two distractions, and those are the elements that just through experience you’ve learned to use.

But I have to say, when I was little, I used to go to sleep every night watching Nick at Nite and “Bewitched” was one of my favorite shows. I did not expect you guys, at all, to go to land of “Bewitched.”

Olsen: I didn’t either. I’m so grateful to it. I felt like I like forgot my body as an actor. You’re a very physical actor, so I feel like you probably don’t have that experience because you just seem so connected and free whether it’s on stage or doing action. And I really felt disconnected from my body until “WandaVision.” I was like, “Right, I have posture; I can walk; I have legs — all of these things are going to be telling the story and it’s period and so I get to move differently.” It’s been a while since I needed to create quite a different character, and it felt so good to wake up my body to the full character work.

Just watching you in the first episode on stage, I was like, “God damn, I want to feel that free on stage with a song and with an audience.” I’m a self-conscious actor when it comes to extras and things like that. There’s something about it where the crew’s the family, and with extras, I feel so vulnerable. And you seemed so at ease and in control and confident. It made you understand her fierceness and how fearless she was.

Smollett: Thank you so much! It’s so interesting that you point that out because, for me, singing in front of people terrifies me. It truly is one of the things that terrifies me the most. The thing about Misha’s writing is, she finds a way to teach you so much about a character in such a small amount of time. And in that first sequence we learn so much about Leti, from that fearlessness you talk about, the ease that she has in herself and in her person, but then you learn so much about her hypocrisy and the contrasting ideas that are at play inside. She’s a very complex one. In the scene with her sister where she’s talking about having dreams of pioneering into an all-white neighborhood in 1955, but she can’t afford to may for socks. [Laughs.] She didn’t come to her mother’s funeral, and yet she’s here yearning for some sort of family connection. And so, I just remember reading that and feeling so drawn to her and feeling like it’s a side of myself that I needed to unearth — there’s a Leti in me that I desired to actually be, but sometimes am not. And it’s interesting because through Leti, she really forced me to do so many things that I hadn’t done before and really become more fearless, become more unbound. It was just such a very cathartic experience for me.

Olsen: I felt that way with getting to do this sitcom comedy part. I felt like I was touching my childhood version of myself who was a ham doing children’s musical theater, who just who just like played for the laughs or whatever — that part that I don’t access at all, really, when filming. And Kathryn Hahn was such a force and Paul Bettany raised to the challenge, as well, of these comedic performances that were really physically funny. I started to get more comfortable — in the ’60s, ’70s, really got comfortable — and it was so much fun to touch that child that maybe was told too many times, “Oh, you’re such a ham” or you just felt like your big personality as a kid was not OK or wasn’t as appropriate. And so, getting to play with that was really freeing and very fun. As you were saying, there’s a release I needed to have, and through the comedy I was able to have it.

How did this sense of empowerment affect how you carried your own characters’ power? Was there something your character that inspired you to advocate for yourself or did advocating behind-the-scenes inform in-world behavior?

Olsen: I felt very lucky coming into this, because this is a world I know. And so, where my voice of advocacy came in was for actors who are coming into the world — like Teyonah [Parris], wanting to make sure that she had everything that she needed to understand where her character was going because this was a character that’s going to continue [and] if she had everything she needed for stunts. And then similarly with Kathryn, she didn’t realize there was someone who she could use to teach her hand gestures for her magic. And so, she was feeling nervous and lost, like, “How do I do this thing?” And I was like, “Oh, how do you not have that information!?” And then having a conversation with whom you need to on the crew up top and figure out how to keep everyone else feeling like they had everything they needed. And luckily, because this was a show with characters that Paul and I had before, the pieces came together and it was a situation where your voice is welcomed and heard.

From “Sorry For Your Loss,” the TV show I did with Facebook, I now have a producer voice that I can’t shut up. I now just need to talk to ADs a lot, and I need to talk to line producers a lot. I realize that I like having — especially if I’m No. 1 on the call sheet; if I’m a primary part — all of the information so I can understand why decisions that seem weird are happening, or else I’m going to get in my head about, “Why are we doing this this way? I just let people know that off the bat now because it makes me less of a control freak, having information. And it is a team effort and I think the actor’s value has changed in that in that respect. There’s a lot more opportunity for women to be vocal now, and so I’m just really seizing that opportunity.

Smollett: It was a very personal growing experience for me. It was time of transition [and] I’m still going through that transition in my life. In order to truly surrender and do the text justice, there was so much I had to bring to the altar every day to sacrifice. I remember talking to Jonathan about that, and he would refer to it as allowing your heart to break and hoping that the Holy Spirit would put it back together. She was essentially a woman trying to navigate her womanhood but she was never actually allowed to have a childhood. She was habitually abandoned by her mother and didn’t know her father and there’s something in that parental-daughter split that I found myself really relating to. Oddly enough like Leti, I was estranged from my father for years. He eventually passed away, really before there was that healing and so, oh man, it brought up so much shit with Leti. How does she see the world? She sees the world through the eyes of an abandoned child. With Leti, that made her overcompensate; with Jurnee, it made me shrink a lot. When you talk about that artist child, those of us who have been in this business for so long, you take on all the sensors. And I found myself just trying to love her a little more. One of the things I admired so much about Leti is this desire to love herself — this real desire to own herself unapologetically in a world that told her she was too Black and female, to exist in her entirety. It’s still a transition that I’m in, but I definitely feel so grateful to have been able to walk through some of that and navigate through some of that with Leti. But that’s, I think, the blessing and the curse of being an artist. You’ve got to be willing to bring your whole mind, body and spirit to it; nothing’s off limits.

Jurnee, the last time you spoke with Variety we were all assuming you’d get to return to this character, but now that HBO has said it’s not being renewed, do you have unfinished business with her?

Smollett: It’s no secret I’m heartbroken. I loved Leti and of course would have loved to continue playing her. But I am so incredibly proud of the work that we all created together — it feels so special and unique — and I am finding peace in that. We’re artists and there’s an endless well that dwells inside us— and there’s so much that’s out of our control. And I think I’ve done this long enough and I’ve experienced enough heartbreaks to know you don’t get attached to the results too much; you just try to stay in a moment. And I feel just so proud and blessed to have been chosen to go on this ride with these collaborators, so I am more so in the place of gratitude than loss.

On the other end of the spectrum, “WandaVision” was a limited series but Wanda Maximoff is a character you have been coming back to for years, Elizabeth. How do you approach that longevity — the changes in her, the changes in you and the interest in revisiting her at all?

Olsen: I’m 32 and I was 25 — so seven years ago — when I did the first one. There’s so much change that I’ve had, even as an actor and how I approach work and, I think, honor work so much more in the last five years, four years of my life. [Jurnee’s film] “Birds of Prey” feels like such a female-empowered thing, so I feel there’s a really incredible energy to beginning it, but then with me you hear people make comments about Marvel movies and it affects your own process. “WandaVision” really shook that up for me and made me reinvest.

Smollett: I so want to know your process with that because the comic book space was new for me. I’d been a fan; I’d seen all your movies and the other movies. How did you navigate all of those voices? Because they can be very loud.

Olsen: Luckily and also frustratingly my character was always this emotional anchor to a piece of the story. It was like the heart, if there’s a heart. Paul and I were the only romance that was really fleshed out in those movies. And so I just treated it like I would anything. And then, we have a really fun time filming “Avengers” And so it’s really goofy and the Russos are great. And so we, it feels light-hearted, and it feels like we have the last laugh at the end of the day. But when it comes to the reinvesting, that’s the whole mind game, right? Because you just hope that it continues to have this quality control, but the more the more things get made, you’re worried about that. Especially because I did a show on Facebook that was scripted, and I didn’t love the way they handled it. And it was hard. And so second season, we went back and we literally, as a team of producers, had meetings with people who ran Facebook Watch about where we thought they could improve. We had a whole presentation for them. And then eventually, they were like, “We’re not doing scripted anymore.” And so I didn’t have the greatest experience being a part of the launch of another streaming service. And so, the Disney Plus part made me nervous and then bringing these characters that are so big to television made me nervous. But Kevin Fiege explained to us that that they were not going to cut corners, and they’re going to try and create the same attention to detail, and they did. And I think it was really important for them to have that care for these first three shows that they were putting out because it was defining a new thing for them. And so, we were taken care of.

I think more for me with this with the reinvestment moving forward, I never had a six-movie or nine-movie thing; it was always two or three at a time — those were my contracts. And so, it’s always a really conscious decision. I wrapped “WandaVision” on a Wednesday and flew to London on a Friday to continue playing this part [in “Doctor Strange 2”]. I could have used getting out of the mindset, though, because they were totally different utilizations of the character and people would have had more time to understand “WandaVision” had we not just wrapped. And so there’s just a lot of, “We covered this in ‘WandaVision…’” It’s bigger than me, there’s lots of threads that are continuing on after me that I’m not aware of, and so it’s always about, “What can I get from this journey with this character that maybe I haven’t tapped into yet with her?” That’s where I keep approaching things from, so that I feel like I have some sort of strap-hang — that I can know that there’s going to be growth of some kind, even though it all maybe looks the same to other people. There is that conscious decision to learn a new element of this woman, or even of myself as an actor — something that I want to explore that I can bring to it.

Your passion for acting is apparent and you both produce as well. What about directing?

Smollett: I would love to one day. I find myself currently being incredibly excited about producing and ushering new voices and excited voices. I don’t know that I would want to direct myself — that’s a whole other skill. I remember watching Denzel Washington, who directed me in “Great Debaters” but he was also in it, and at that point he had such a command of his instrument that he was able to do that. But it’s a lot. And I remember him telling me, before directing himself, he went and made himself watch all his films just so that he could stomach this idea of watching himself in the editing room. And so, I love the idea of storytelling; I’m obsessed with just telling stories, but I don’t know that I would self-direct.

Olsen: I find myself still loving producing so much because I love asking questions and poking holes and thinking about reorganizing of storylines, things that I feel maybe need more structure. I loved writing essays in school so much; it was like something that I found creative because it was about putting so many different sources into a braid that could maybe create this larger conversation or thought at the end. And so, that’s how I look at scripts. That’s really satisfying enough for me, to play that role. I think one day I’ll think about it more honestly, what it what it would mean to be a director. I fear that if I were to do it anytime soon, I wouldn’t have the tools that I would want. I do ask lots of lens-y questions because I’ve really only been working for 11 years and only recently have I tried to really understand the art of what lenses to choose and why and what it makes an audience feel based on what you’re choosing. I want to have a better, more holistic understanding of [that] before attempting [directing] because I do think it’s such an art and just because I understand the structuring of a story or how a set works, I want to be able to provide the the image in my head. I don’t know if I have that skill yet, but I am curious about feeding it and nurturing that.

Press: Elizabeth Olsen and Jurnee Smollett Compare Notes on Genre-Blending Acting and Advocating for Performers on Set was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[all-is-for-all]

Sora being announced for Smash opened the door (pun intended) to a Kingdom Hearts hyper-fixation for me for the past month-and-a-half, and I got to play through each of the games (aside from Re:coded) in canon chronological order. I just completed 3 and cried no less than three times during the finale. The parts that hit me were the reunions of the BBS and 358 trios and talking to each of the soul stars in the Final World.*

This game (and the series as a whole) got to me for whatever reason. I've been feeling weirdly existential recently, partly because I'm approaching 30 and partly because there are tangible things I really need to do to set my life on track. Embracing this series that so clearly prioritizes emotion over rationality has been super cathartic for me, in no small part due to the fact that I've had in in my heart for most of my life -- the first one came out in 2002, when I was 10, and I've been a committed fan ever since my friend Nick brought the game over to my house one day that year.

KH was a system seller for me on two separate occasions: BBS was pretty much the only reason I saved up the cash for a PSP; and while Pokemon and other series were high on the list in my consideration for buying a 3DS, KH3D was the primary push. This series means so much to me in an emotional sense, more than other games I might concede have "objectively better" gameplay or story-telling. (Persona 5 came close -- a game I got into about a year ago, shortly after a breakup from a three-year relationship. It was a story experience I needed during a tough time.)

I'm really hoping the next saga's games come out before I'm, like, 50 (though I'll still likely be playing them into my twilight years anyway lol). The breadcrumbs they left in KH3 are tantalizing, particularly the Xigbar/Foretellers stuff that hints at them being the next saga's main antagonists. I remember it was announced a few years ago that the KH story explored so far would only be one arc among multiple, and that made me so happy to learn; I also grew up watching DBZ and loving how the series divided its story into sagas, so KH doing something like that would be so damn cool! (Though it's funny to think about because those two series couldn't be more different in their storytelling: one is a barebones combat anime whose plot can be explained in anywhere from a sentence to a paragraph; the other is a character-focused yet complicated web of events that needs constant recaps in each of their games so that players don't get lost.)

I don't really have a direction for the rest of this post. I mostly just wanted to emphasize how much this series has meant to me and how it will continue to hold a big place in my psyche for the years to come. This week I'm going to be introducing my brother-in-law to the series and I'm really excited about playing through the opening hours with him and vicariously experiencing the mystery that Dive into the Heart oozes. I feel like it'll be relatively easy to get him hooked into the series (he's a fan of both Disney media and Final Fantasy, so this seemed like an obvious choice), but with so many games and with him being a father to a young child I also think it'll be hard to navigate the series with any kind of consistent pace. (Which is okay! That's how most KH fans experienced the series anyway, what with the games being drip-fed to us over the span of 16 years.) In any case, it'll be such a nice time getting someone else into the story that has been such a tentpole experience in my life.

-----------------

*(I was close to crying during the scene where you defeat Xemnas, and he says "having a heart is only pain" and Sora says "feeling pain is part of being human" and then Xemnas finally says "it must take...incredible strength". Just, damn. Add great voice-acting and somber music to the scene and it's truly powerful stuff. Just like with the souls in the Final World, this silly game with wizard Donald Duck and cheesy rhythm side-games has lots of really interesting things to say about the human condition. And one of the truly great things about KH3 is that they give resonant endings to each villain, in a way that doesn't coddle them but still shows that redemption is possible. Literal time set aside in each battle to give them proper goodbyes doesn't make sense from a logistical perspective, but it makes sense from an emotional one -- basically KH's modus operandi for the past 20 years.)

[maggiecheungs]

2020 ~everything~ wrap

i finally have time to do all of the tag games that people have tagged me in over the past month or so! i cannot for the life of me remember who tagged me in which one, so i’m just putting ~everything~ in one huge post. if i tag you anywhere then consider it a standing invitation to do whichever of these you haven’t done :) in fact, this is me issuing a standing invite to any of my followers who wants to do it :) also, thank you all!

Creator Wrap: Favourite Works

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

this collection of philosophy quotes paired with thai bl series, (and its sequel) which is possibly my favourite thing i’ve ever made. for, uh, nerd reasons.

these gifted text post memes i made still make me laugh sometimes

this fic about green from 2gether, which i wrote in the notes app on my phone and published the same day. not my absolute best writing but i am very fond of it <3

i have a bunch fof friend zone dangerous area edits/shitposts which i like, but i’m particularly fond of my fzda as satire headlines (which now has a sequel!)

i also love my crisgood-walmart-lesbian post. i might send it in to gmmtv to try and convince them to do a crisgood-bffs spin-off

+ bonus: since i wrote this list i made this gifset (my first ever!) of jennie panhan in the shipper and i love her too much not to include her on here

+ extra nerdy bonus: this niche meme about Chinese philosophy, which still makes me crack up whenever I think about it

Favourite Creators/Follow Forever

i’ve completely lost track of who’s following who from which blog, so this is just going to be a haphazard, non-exhaustive list of people who i adore/admire/am vaguely intimidated by, mutuality be damned. maybe we talk all the time! maybe we’ve never interacted! maybe i am constantly there in ur tags... lurking... 👀... but if you’re on this list you have made me smile at least once this year and i love you for that alone <3

@wjmild kylie!! you make gifs of arm & tay & lee (separately or in various combinations) & the shipper & and kapook & random fluke pusit cameos & school rangers so i don’t have to <3 ilysm

@janeramida vianey, you have such impeccable taste in general, but your sizzy gifset in particular is so gorgeous it lives in my mind rent free

@applelapis bri, this post was a callout and i want you to know that it haunts me at night as i lie awake staring at the ceiling :((((( i hope you are happy

@gigiesarocha cata, i love it when you show up on my dash bc you have!! such taste!! also, every time you gif gigie i gain five years of life <3 pls continue doing the Good Work

@pvrrish​ eleni, i remeber legit thinking that this was an official poster when i first saw it, it’s so beautiful

@ahysopae​ juliette your khaithird fic is so good and it literally changed the way i think about khai (not an easy feat)

@kurosawadachi angel, whenever i think about grace’s speech i remember your gifset and get literal chills

@doctorbahnjit alexa, you have no right to be as funny as you are. your friend zone edits give me life

@khaotungthanawat sam, you’re probably sick of getting tagged in these lists by random strangers, but i just had to bc your gifsets are Pure Art

@tanwirapong roa, all your gifsets are so ✨iconic✨

faiza @asianmelodrama and rahul @petekaos! yours were the first two thai drama blogs i followed and for ages i lowkey thought of you as my fandom parents.

and some more blogs that make me happy: @curlykytta / @lee-thanat  / @fck-inspector-m / @pangwave / @tichawongtipkanon / @tawanv @kimmonv (violet istg i have spent more time this year trying to figure out how many blogs you have than i have spent admiring your gifsets. & i spend a lot of time admiring your gifsets) / @taytawan / @1akorn and @yihwas (and your radiant lovechild @lakornladies ofc) / @teh-ohaew / @vihokratanas (mel your gifsets are just so gorgeous) / @tootiredtoosadtooangry / @headcompletelyempty / @demiromanticmickey​ / and there are definitely more but my brain is a sieve so apologies if i’ve forgotten anyone!! i love you all!! 

2020 HIGHLIGHTS ✨

rules: list your top 10 shows (bl or not) you watched in 2020 (doesn’t necessarily have to be shows that came out in 2020 though!)

1. 2GETHER & STILL2GETHER

my first thai drama, and even after all the amazing shows i’ve watched this year, it still has a special place in my heart. watching 2gether was the first time i’d ever seen a queer romcom that just... was. for me, by the simple fact of its being, 2gether was revolutionary. and then still2gether came along and took all the best things about the first season and gave us something beautiful and quiet and lovely and just proved to me, once and for all, that queer happiness doesn’t need to justify its own existence. there can be gay cuddles on the beach for no other reason than that we want them. 

2. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

i don’t really have the words for this one but. it makes my heart so very soft.

3. FRIEND ZONE 2: DANGEROUS AREA

season one was mindless fun because everyone was an absolute trashfire and it was hella cathartic to watch, but season 2... wow. i love it for so many reasons: it has messy and authentic queer rep; the characterisation is excellent and i somehow care about all of the characters; amazing women taking centre stage(!); a wlw relationship with lesbian, ace and bipolar rep; multiple interesting plotlines; actual character development; arm weerayut as a chaos gremlin... absolutely one of my favourites of 2020.

4. CHERRY MAGIC

i don’t think i need to explain this one, which is fortunate, because i have no idea how exactly i’d describe the happy-warm-fuzzy-queer-seen-loving-affirmed-profound feeling that rises in my chest whenever i think about it. 

5. THE GIFTED: GRADUATION

confession: i liked season 2 more than season 1 (with the exception of the ending, which we don’t talk about). season 1 was enjoyable and interesting, but for me it was season 2 which made me love this series. it did some incredibly interesting and complicated things (even if it didn’t quite nail the landing): it pushed characters to the breaking point and wove so many layers into the story and questioned its own underlying themes. plus, watching it alongside everyone in the fandom made it 200% better. i love all of you and i love this show. egg girl 5eva.

6. THE SHIPPER

i 100% understand why so many people didn’t like this show, or found it problematic, but through some fluke it absolutely worked for me (even the ending). one day i will write an essay explaining my rationale, but for now i’ll just say that it’s one of my favourite shows about adolescence and queerness and identity and compassion and friendship and love that i’ve ever watched. 

7. YYY

this series is absolutely off its rocker, and it somehow managed to be one of the most affirming shows i’ve watched. it shouldn’t have worked by it did, and i love it so much.

8. 3 WILL BE FREE

absolutely iconic. amazing plot, stunning visuals, great characters, canon polyamory, jennie being incredible... what a series.

9. MANNER OF DEATH

i love the fact that this show exists; i love the mix of crime and romance; i love maxtul’s acting; i love the central relationship; i love bun. i know we’re not even halfway through yet, but this show is doing something special and i’m so grateful that i get to watch it unfold in real time. 

10. CHIHAYAFURU (SEASON 3)

odd one out on my list, but I had to include it. chihayafuru is my all-time favourite anime and it finally got a third season, which is somehow even better than the first two. mashima taichi is one of my favourite characters of all time and his storyline hits me on such a profound level. plus, in the years since i first say this show i’ve fallen in love with classical japanese literature (particularly heian poetry) so i had newfound appreciation for the karuta matches (aka i cried every time someone recited one of my favourite poems)

other favourites: together with me, he’s coming to me, sotus and sotus s, my dear loser: edge of 17, why r u, theory of love, wake up chanee!, gameboys, pearl next door, uta koi (anime), three kingdoms (2010), blood and water (netflix). (itsay would almost certainly be on my list if i’d had time to watch it. same with dark blue kiss, which i had to pause so i could do my assignments)

Final Thoughts

well, it’s been... a year (i don’t think anyone needs a reminder of the details) but writing this post has reminded me of all the amazing shows and people I discovered over the course of it.

thank you to everyone for being so lovely and creative and funny and quirky and kind and passionate. you’re all incredibly awesome people and i wish all of you the very best xx

[utterlyinevitable]

Do We Have A Future?: August

Part 1 | Part 2: November | Part 3: January | Part 4: April

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 2.3k Warning: Adult themes, mental health triggers, themes of depression, pregnancy complications and termination Summary: Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

Author’s Note: Sensitive subject matter means I really suggest only reading if you are 18+ years old... I can’t believe it’s over. This story is deeply personal and I never imagined it to be this long - I wrote the first part on a whim. Thank you for reading and encouraging and inspiring me to get my feelings out under the cloak of Becca and Ethan’s love. This has been so cathartic. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you 💗

Taglist: @ohchoices​​ @dulceghernandez​​ @aylamwrites​​ @binny1985​​ @ramseysno1rookie​​ @interobanginyourmom​​ @queencarb​​ @imactuallytheceoofthecompany @rookiefromedenbrook​ @eramsey28​ @choicesficwriterscreations​ @heauxplesslydevoted​ @schnitzelbutterfingers​ @purpledragonturtles​ @ramseyandrys​​ @ermidc​ @mrsdrakewalkerblog​

________________________________________

She finally stopped crying at the memory of the incident and at any infants she’d come in contact with throughout her daily life. It had taken nearly a year for Rebecca Lao to get to this point. 

But how long are you really meant to grieve for the child you never had? 

As her boyfriend Ethan was wary of her every single day, just waiting for the moment that her hard coated exterior crumbled right down in front of him. Some days he noticed how her tear ducts began to swell and her back stiffened whenever they were faced with an unhappy diagnosis. 

As her boss, Ethan eventually let her work on a preeclampsia case with baited breath, watching her like a hawk every step of the way. Every time she’d visit the patient’s room he wouldn’t be more than five steps behind. Whenever she’d assess the lab results, he’d be right there with her ready to break her fall. And when she left the mother’s side Ethan kept in time with Becca, his hand caressing the small of her back as they moved through the motions and onto another case. 

She handed the whole thing better than he could have ever anticipated. Becca didn’t need him at all, not anymore - but she’s damn thankful for the support, however overbearing. In the end, the mother and premature daughter lived happily ever after. Even with all of her self-mending practices, the sight of the infant still stung deep down in Becca’s core. Ethan didn’t notice as he held her hand outside the NICU, her curated mask keeping her emotions at bay. Although she fortified the walls around her heart strong enough to carry out her daily life, still not a day goes by that Becca doesn’t think about what could have been. 

It’d be different if we weren’t together and planning a future. If we broke up maybe it’d hurt less? 

Planning a forever seemed futile when they’d thrown a family away not so long ago. Coming from a broken home, the little doe eyed and innocent girl in the back of Becca’s mind desperately wanted a functional, loving family. A family that put their collective happiness first and nobody ran away. The silver lining to the termination meant they had the option to try again. Properly, when time aligned. When would that be? Would it ever happen? We haven’t had sex since...

Months ago, Ethan finally stopped asking her if she was okay and if she wanted to speak to someone about the experience. As always Becca dutifully declined - the fantasy world she built in her head was all the solace and consoling she needed. 

When the two of them are cuddled on the couch watching a film the phantom daughter of her mind’s eye would emerge. Becca would welcome her beloved mirage by nestling it right across her unchanged chest, coddled safely between her arms and protected from the world around them. 

In the silent and lazy Sunday mornings her phantom would be cuddled close to her heart as Ethan sleepily spooned the love of his life, blissfully unaware of the dream playing out before him on her side of the bed. Happily, Becca would be caressing the thick and curly hair that mirrored her own off of her daughter’s rounded face and giving soothing rubs along her back. Letting herself trail little bits of love over the soft and unweathered skin of her child. A hollow smile forms as the illusion plays out in front of her under the blanket of dusk. But once the strong daylight of reality peered in through their large windows, the tableau vanished. These little moments kept Becca grounded in the present. She needed a happily ever ending. 

As the weeks passed by and the delusion began to solidify into a distant memory, Becca finally had some gusto in her. She didn’t need to hide anymore. Ethan and her were able to joke and chide and taunt each other in the best of ways - just like old times. They were finally opening back up to one another. They let themselves be unashamedly intimate once again. 

The hurricane between them had seemingly passed, the damage was done and swept away at a political pace. There were still some cracks in the roads, but they’d weather them together. 

Becca was making blueberry pancakes one Sunday morning. Ethan sat at the kitchen island with his expert cup of coffee, struggling to breath through his laughter. Becca had just told him the worst joke - so bad that not even the corners of his lips perked up in pity. When she tried to explain why it was funny and Ethan still wasn’t understanding, her face scrunched up with a loud Humph and a stamp of her foot. Her little outburst caused her to slip on a few now-crushed blueberries, tossing what was left of the batter into the air. 

Ethan couldn’t contain himself. The cracks and wrinkles from years worth of living came alight with his bellowing laughter. His ocean eyes shut tightly as he gripped at the center of his bare chest. Once his diaphragm settled he rose to find his girlfriend now laying spread out on the wooden floor in defeat; Becca’s hair spewn over her grumpy face, her hands still holding onto the bowl and spatula but the contents were artistically gracing the lower cabinets and surrounding area.   

He grabbed a kitchen towel from the front of the oven and began to clean up the rogue splatters of batter, utterly bemused. 

The situation caught up with her and Becca chuckled as she discarded the equipment and made a faux snow angel on the floor, letting the lighthearted breath of fresh air take control - it was a stark contrast from the uncertainty and hopelessness that surrounded their every waking moment the last few months. 

“I hope our kids have my sense of humor,” she lamented during her motions.  

Ethan gasped loudly feigning hurt, “What’s wrong with mine?” 

Becca lifted her head slightly to observe him. His blue eyes shining bright with amusement meeting her matching light brown. 

“It’s terrible! You’re such a grump!” she exclaimed, mentally noting all the times she told him a pop culture reference he didn’t understand just like moments ago. Becca placed her head back on the cool wood and said, “Your dad jokes have improved though.” 

Ethan playfully rolled his eyes. I missed this.

He stood and bounded over to her with that silly smirk still plastered on his face. “I hope they have my good looks and intelligence,” He told her, offering his hands to help her to her feet. “They can have your…” he paused for dramatic effect, looking her over - taking in the way she still looked so unbelievably stunning even with batter smeared all over her face and hair wildly pointing every which way. 

“Chromosome.”  

Becca’s jaw dropped at the insult. 

Squeezing his hands hard she sassed him right back, “Ethan Jonah, are you saying I have no qualities you’d like reflected in our children?” 

His eyes softened as he assessed the magnificent woman before him. He had a lopsided grin as he spoke;

“I’d like them to have your curly hair,” he pushed a few strands behind her ear. Her completely enamored brown eyes fluttered closed as she melted into his touch. “Your little button nose,” he booped her nose. “Definitely your spunk and heart,” he gave a nod in certainty as his finger lingered. “And attitude;” her eyebrow rose encouraging him to continue that thought. In complete honesty he told her, “You are a better person than I.” 

It was something he showed her again and again. 

He regretted how self serving he used to be at the start of their partnership and felt entirely undeserving of how she continuously was there for him during his darkest of times - with Naveen’s diagnosis, with his mother and father, the near decimation of his life’s work. She never left his side. He was in awe of how, on the job, she did all she could for those around her, every stranger mattered in her eyes. She found the loopholes for their patients he was too stubborn to see - to make a difference, an imprint on all lives she comes in contact with, for the better. 

Becca’s heart was always in the right place. She had a courage and impulsive intuition he fiercely admired. In these last months she made the decision to save her own life, and she seemingly held her head high. Ethan knew he could never be that strong - if they had swapped places he couldn’t even fathom what sort of mess would have become of him. Ethan remembered how he wasn’t able to be there for her in the ways she needed during the Mrs. Martinez debacle because of his pride and personal ethics. He never forgave himself for letting all those months of what could have been slip through his fingertips and spent every moment of every day of every week in these last few months making sure she knew how important and special and loved she is. Dr. Ethan Ramsey is hopelessly devoted to Dr. Rebecca Lao. Whatever incidents befall them in the future they will tackle together. They’d be strong together. 

They’ve been strong together all this time. 

“I am,” she agreed, her eyes darting open to accompany her sly smirk. 

The two held one another’s gaze, their shoulders relaxing in unison and letting the bright and carefree morning swaddle them. Their worries all seemingly distant. All that mattered was them, their love and the abandoned pancakes. 

The last few months have aged them more than they have realized. The dark circles under Becca’s eyes held a weight she will never be rid of, a lasting reminder of what she’s been through and all she has overcome. She held herself a little higher now - she was done hiding and feeling ashamed. Ethan had a few more worry lines etched into his chiseled features, and next to default indifference of his natural gaze his eyes held clarity at the forefront - as if he had finally solved the mystery of his existence - his morals and personal ethics were damned.

 Becca playfully wrinkled her nose as she said, “They’re definitely not having your big head.” She wasn’t sure if it was the idea of giving birth to a large headed baby that sent a chill up her spine or Ethan’s calloused fingertips gingerly tracing its curvature; up and down, up and down. 

They both knew they had no control over genetics but he smirked anyway as he cradled his arms tightly around her back, “I’ll do my best to keep that from happening.”  

Becca softly touched his cheek, “That’s all I ask. I like my vagina too much as it is.” 

He laughed. A genuine, wrinkle-glowing laugh that rivaled the earlier comedic-induced laughter. She moved closer to hold him in a tight hug, listening to the comforting palpitations of Ethan Ramsey’s heart and feeling of the subtle rise and fall of his chest. There was a certain kind of euphoria in feeling the warmth of his back under her manicured palms.  

I missed this, she thought, tightening her grip.  

The laughter settled and she whispered ever so softly, he wouldn’t have noticed if he wasn’t so entranced by her, “I think... I think I’d want a c-section.” A small part of Becca found solace over the last few months in knowing she made the right decision - childbirth is terrifying and she definitely was not ready for a baby if she can’t even wrap her head around getting it out.   

He pulled away just enough to raise an eyebrow at her.  

“I don’t think I’d be strong enough,” it came out with a breath of air she was holding in, quiet and earnest. Just as easily she joked, “And not being able to control my bladder for the rest of my life is not appealing in the slightest.” 

They laughed it off. It was a jovial statement they knew as truth. 

But it didn’t matter anymore. They could speak about these things - they could speak about the future and pregnancy and babies and cravings, genetics, birthing plans and even last rights. They didn’t need to hide anymore. No secret wishes or manifestations suffering in silence, and not wanting to disturb the grieving process of the other. Everything now out in the open to share together. Revel in together. Carry together.  

The last year was absolute hell and Becca chastised herself for letting all that time slip past. She could never get that time back. She still was not fully at peace with her lost child but accepting it for what it is - it will always be a part of her. 

Through the internal turmoil Ethan and Rebecca grew as a couple and as individuals - they became stronger. They can talk about it and dream their new nuclear dream together. A dream that could quite possibly include a picket fence and a few certificates. 

Becca will never forget her phantom child, but hopefully she can lay her to rest. It had taken months of grieving in the dark depths of her mind and now was the time to face the sunshine. It was time to look forward to her career and enjoy having Ethan to herself, the serenity uninterrupted. The ability to continue making impulsive decisions, whims without any regard, and pulling unapologetic all nighters at the hospital whenever they pleased. There’s many things Becca would like to do before they have a family. 

Me and you. Just us two… For another two years at least. 

They have their entire future ahead of them.

_____________________

A/N: although my story’s a bit different from becca’s, it’s taken almost two years for me to finally be at peace with the fact and mentally move on. no matter your demons, please seek help. whether it be a friend, family or trained professional talking it out helps as i’ve just learned - even if it makes you feel small and stupid. if you need anything please drop me a line - i’m here and will support you, unconditionally. 

[maybeeatspaghetti]

Hi! This may be a bit rude but I swear I'm just very curious. I've seen quite a lot of people saying that your Whizzvin fics (the dirty ones) fetishize gay couples? I'm confused about it, to be honest. Do you have anything to say or defend about this?

I got a very rude ask about this about this a month ago, which I answered then, and I’ve pasted the important parts of my previous response below the cut.

Since people seem to have a continuing issue with my writing stories of this nature, let me please direct you to the legacy of Dirk Vanden, a pioneering pulp erotica author called “the godfather of gay erotic fiction.” In queer literary theory, he is held in high regard, as he insisted on including graphic sex scenes in his novels because it was so rare to see gay sex of any kind depicted in works of fiction at the time (1960s and 1970s). It spawned, then and now, open discussions about sex and sexuality, freely disregarding the unspoken rule that sex in literature was reserved for heterosexual couples (and even then, it was really only hinted at, and not usually explicit). He changed queer literary theory in a way that embraced raw, sexually explicit literature as a way to build up queer identities.

Dirk Vanden wrote explicit gay sex scenes in a time that was not very accepting, consequences be damned, and thus changed the very landscape of what gay fiction was allowed or supposed to be. Those of us who write gay erotica (fanfiction or otherwise) now do so in the shadow of authors like Dirk Vanden and many other gay erotica authors of the 60s and 70s, who wouldn’t settle for being told gay sexuality was not decent enough to be written about.

So when you have an issue with me writing sexually explicit stories about fictional characters, you also then have an issue with the authors who recaptured gay identity and gay sexuality in literature as more than just campy or tragic. Back then, there was no in between. Gay characters were the butt of every joke or they were tragic, doomed to die in the end. Gay erotica novels—also called “stroke books” because, well... I think it’s clear—took themselves seriously because literature had no place for gay sexuality. For a long time, these novels were bought and sold in secret, and printers would churn out books and then quickly dismantle themselves to evade the authorities, since the sale or distribution of adult materials was illegal until 1973. The world looked at gay sex shamefully; the one place it was joyful, and not shameful, was within the pages of those books.

So, really, it just boils down to: if you’re going to say that writing explicit sexual stories is inherently negative, you’re trampling on the legacy of the people who wrote explicit gay sex scenes as a positive expression and affirmation of gay sexuality, and you’re also ignoring gay erotica’s revered place in queer theory. By regarding it at shameful or inappropriate or unacceptable now, and going after authors who write erotica (smut, slash, whatever you want to call it), you’re undoing all the strides authors like Dirk Vanden managed to take to make writing gay erotica permissible. We may as well be back in the 1960s. 

Please take some time to learn about the history of queer literature before attacking authors for engaging in a type of writing that was pioneered as a way to lift up and celebrate gay sexuality. Please. Come on. If we don’t know what came before, how are we supposed to continue moving forward?

What I posted a month ago: 

*Trigger warning for mentions of rape*

As I’ve spoken about before—if you haven’t had the chance to look through my blog—I am asexual. The way I explore the boundaries of my sexuality are through writing, and it’s also none of your business, but since you feel entitled enough to judge and throw accusations without knowing me, I’ll elaborate.

Do you have any idea how terrifying sex is for me? How upsetting it is? Knowing I don’t want to have it but desperately wanting to be a part of it somehow, and then, furthermore, feeling alienated from both the LGBT community and the rest of society because 1) asexuals are not considered queer enough for the LGBT community and 2) our entire society revolves around sex and people just don’t get how I can possibly have zero sexual urges. People look at me and say I can be “cured” if I just have enough sex or have sex with the right person.

Writing stories about sex allows me to explore sex in a safe way, without having to be involved with the actual, physical side. I like to explore the deep emotional connection sex builds between two people because sex is often the most intimate thing two people can do together. Fetishization is the reduction of people to objects—dehumanization—and writing characters in a demeaning or degrading way. I hope I never do that in my stories. I want my stories to be representations of positive sexual encounters—emotionally, mentally, and physically—because a lot of what we see in the media (and in porn) is not always positive or healthy. And, furthermore, because my sex education was so bad (as is many, if not most, people’s) I also try to write my stories from a position of realism, so that if anyone takes anything away from my stories, it’s healthy sexual practices—the importance of consent, the use of lube, etc.

I’d also like to add that when I was a child, I was targeted and groomed by a pedophile, and my friend was groomed and eventually raped multiple times by the same man. Pedophiles sexualize and fetishize children; I think I know a thing or two about what fetishization is and how harmful it is when real people are fetishized. That, in addition to being asexual (and people like to fetishize asexuals in rape-to-cure scenarios)—it’s no wonder I have a complicated, tempestuous relationship with sex. Writing sexual stories about two consenting fictional adults as a way to explore my own sexuality and heal myself is, in my opinion, nobody else’s business but mine (and hardly comparable to the very real fetishization and trauma I have experienced in my life). And I share my stories online because it’s cathartic.

I’m sorry you feel the need to judge and police the way I think about and approach sex, and the way I express and explore my sexuality in a way that is safe for me to do so.

[ofmorninglory]

2020 Creator Wrap

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

I was tagged by the amazing @distance-of-song and the wonderful @incorrectbatfam

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I’ve been having a particularly rough start of the year mental health wise, so I thought I’d love on myself for a little bit with this particular tag. It’s kind of hard to choose 5 stories because I actually like a lot of the things I produced this year, but I’ll try to stick to the rules. These ones are probably not gonna be in any particular order, because choosing is already hard and giving them a tiered list is going to be harder jsjs 

Under the cut for you folks who want to avoid clutter! 

you’re the light that i follow 

the first half of this fic i actually started writing in 2019 after i found out they had killed Joan off in young justice for no apparent reason and then proceeded to not give her a proper send off like our wonderful Joaney deserved. initially a fic purely made out of spite, “you’re the light that i follow” takes first mention simply because it helped me process some very big feelings i was trying to process in march. it was heart wrenching to finish it, but it also helped me rationalize the emotions in me and laid down the foundation for what later became my coping mechanism for dealing with grief. it certainly holds a special place in my heart. 

should’ve worshipped him sooner

this one was probably the LAST concept i managed to figure out for bluepulse week, but it’s literally my favorite one. while i really care about all of my bluepulse week fics (i think i did a pretty okay job with 2020′s bluepulse week) this one probably takes the cake, probably because i love Henry a little bit too much now. also, Bart calling Jaime “little beetle”? y’all can’t tell me that wasn’t the best fucking decision DC ever made (IT’S CANON. you can pry it off my COLD DEAD HANDS) and the line “get off my goddamn dick” is still my favorite thing i’ve ever written. i have to admit i originally didn’t like this one that much, but it really grew on me after it got such a warm reception, so thank y’all for that!

the leaving is just the same

another bluepulse week fic because i really loved bluepulse week jsjsj pretty sure i spent all my writing braincells in that one week. i love this one because i got to write betty allen-reyes a little bit, but also because it was really nice to explore the concept of the speed force as this sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful force of the universe that chooses to fuck with her speedsters on a daily basis because of reasons yet unknown to us. also, the line “she was all reyes, but her heart beat to the rhythm of bart’s own” is so good and i can’t believe that came out of my brain. also one of my favorites because it allowed me some creative liberties on where all the characters ended up and i think that’s really cool. loved the idea of Jaime as president of Kord Industries and Bart as his trophy husband after retirement. pity i stuck Bart in the speedforce cause i’m mean jsjsjsj 

of duty and fate

one of my only homestuck fics this year even when i had so many things planned for johndave week and didn’t get around to write them all. loved writing this piece because it’s also me getting one of my crossover AUs out there in the world. it doesn’t actually have any crossover in it because it’s heavily focused on the BEFORE of the story i want to write, but i still had a lot of fun writing it! the type of yearning in a high fantasy AU between a prince, heir to the throne and his knight is probably the BEST FORM OF YEARNING and I just love the idea behind this whole story. it’s come to my attention it’s a bit difficult to follow, but maybe if i ever got myself to finish writing the whole story it might be a little less complicated. then again, it’s a crossover AU, so who am i to say jsjsj

nightmares

probably the MOST self indulgent thing i’ve written after “too hot, hot damn” and this one is probably even MORE INDULGENT than “too hot, hot damn” simply because this crossover in particular makes absolutely no sense in EITHER original context. nevertheless, i love this one because it has some of my BEST writing and it has a friendship that i think would be superior if the universe hadn’t been such a coward. i keep thinking about a second part to this one, but i haven’t managed to do it. this crossover AU also spured some original content this year, so i guess not all is lost! anyways, it’s one of my favorite things i’ve written, if i’m being honest, and it has the same soft feel to it that “glitter (silent confessions)” has and i love it because of that same reason jsjs

this was actually really cathartic, i’m not gonna lie. left me feeling less angry at the world and at myself, so this was really nice! thank you for tagging me, and whoever wants to give themselves some love ABSOLUTELY SHOULD. 

[sunflower-swan]

Wolfstar Chapter 9

A/N: Here’s what you need to know: I created this story for Writer’s Month 2020. Every day is a new prompt, and therefore a new chapter. This is an AU Wolfstar where Remus is a tattoo artist next door to Sirius who manages a flower shop. James and Lily are alive in this universe and own a coffee shop across the street. And to make parts of the story work with the prompts, Remus is about 10 years older than Sirius. It also takes place more or less in present time, minus Covid-19.

This is chapter 9 of a multi-chapter work. If you’d like to start from the beginning, here is chapter 1.

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters. I just like to play with them.

Day 9 Prompt: Illness

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 1514

Tags: language, angst, depression, suicidal thoughts, implied alcohol consumption

Chapter 9

Remus

The Rolling Stones, “Paint it Black”

I see a line of cars and they're all painted black

With flowers and my love, both never to come back

I see people turn their heads and quickly look away

Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day

In the days immediately following the rose tattoo, Sirius appeared to his friends to be getting along ok with the news of Silas’ death. Much better than anticipated, and this made them nervous. After the initial shock, he didn’t seem to have grieved at all. Instead he moved forward with life as though it hadn’t happened and nothing had changed. Remus was in the Potter’s Wheel, talking to James and Lily while he waited for Sirius to show up.

“He’s taking it too well,” James said.

“Why do you say that?” asked Remus.

“I remember when Regulus passed,” Lily whispered with wide eyes.

“Let’s just say, Sirius has a record of not handling death well. So I reckon it’s a matter of time before he breaks.”

The three shared a grim look, then the bell over the door dingled and in stumped Sirius who looked quite disheveled. His clothes looked like he had slept in them. His hair wasn’t pulled back like normal, it hung in shiny loose waves around his face.

“What did I tell you,” James said in an undertone.

“Hey, mate. What kept you?” Remus asked Sirius.

“Overslept.” Sirius shrugged and flopped down at their usual table.

Remus approached the table with caution and sat down. Sirius was resting his forehead on his arms which were resting on the table. Remus poked the top of his head.

“What?” Sirius snapped.

Remus was taken aback by his tone. “Hungry?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? When was the last time you ate anything?”

Sirius picked his head up. “What are you? My mother?”

Today was the first time in a few days Remus had seen his friend up close. He did not look well. His skin had taken a sickly grey tinge, and he had massive dark bags under his eyes.

“Sirius,” Remus murmured, “have you been sleeping lately?”

He could see Sirius muscles tense. “What’s with the interrogation?”

Remus held his hands up in surrender. “Sorry. Just looking out for my best friend. You did just have someone close to you pass away. Whatever you’re feeling is normal and ok. I just want to help you, if that’s what you need.”

The stoney expression melted into one of sadness and regret. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just...I don’t even know.” Sirius looked away and ran a hand through his unkempt hair. “I need to get to the shop.” He stood up and let himself out without a backward glance.

There was nothing Remus could do except watch him walk out the door. He sat there, stunned by what had just transpired until Lily laid a soft hand on his shoulder.

“Keep an eye on him, Remus,” she said.

~~~~~

Over the next couple days, neither Sirius' mood, nor his appearance improved. If anything, they deteriorated. His eyes took on a red, blood-shot look. His clothes appeared looser, as though he wasn’t eating anything at all. He carried an intense apathy around with him everywhere he went.

“I’m worried about Sirius,” Lily said one morning at the coffee shop.

“Me, too,” Remus agreed. “But what are we supposed to do if he bites our heads off anytime we try to help him?”

“I’ve known Sirius a long time, but I’ve never seen him like this,” James added.

The three stood in contemplative silence. 

Remus looked at the time, and his stomach dropped. “He’s really late today. Maybe he went straight to the flower shop?” He looked at James and Lily, both had furrowed brows. “I’ll go check.”

He strode across the street, hoping to find Sirius there. A couple employees looked up at him when he entered the door.

“He’s not here,” one of them said. “If you’re looking for Sirius that is. Haven’t seen or heard anything from him since he stormed out yesterday afternoon.”

A million scenarios rushed through Remus’ mind all at once, each more outlandish than the last, of what could have befallen Sirius. Trampled by a stampeding hippogriff. Bit by a basilisk. Burned alive by a dragon. Pecked to death by a phoenix. He turned on his heels and ran back to the coffee shop.

“No one has seen or heard from him since yesterday afternoon,” Remus said between breaths. “I’m going to go check his flat. Lily, will you sit over at the Tattoo Lounge while I’m gone? If anyone shows up, write down their information and tell them I’ll contact them later.”

Lily nodded, wide eyed. “Ok.”

With that confirmation, Remus rushed to the alley apparition spot.

~~~~~

Remus hastened toward Sirius flat. As he drew closer, he heard guitar playing and singing coming from an open window. At least I know he’s alive. He rang the doorbell and the playing stopped for a moment, only to resume again. He rang the doorbell again, but the playing didn’t even stop this time. Bastard. So Remus began to pound on the door with his fists.

“Sirius Black! Open up this door, damn it!”

He heard the lock click, and the door swung open an inch. Remus let himself in and slammed the door behind him. Damn, git, he thought as he climbed the stairs two at a time. When he reached the sitting room, the sight and smell was enough to knock him over. The odor emitted from the room was an overwhelming combination of stale sweat and alcohol.

Sirius was perched on the couch with his guitar. He appeared to have not showered or shaved in a week. A plethora of empty firewhisky bottles lay scattered about the floor. The entire room was in disarray, with items smashed and broken.

He leaned his head against the body of the guitar as he sang, “I see a red door and I want it painted black...No colors anymore, I want them to turn black...I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes...I have to turn my head until my darkness goes…” Then he began to hum.

Remus covered his nose and mouth with his palm to mitigate the smell from making him want to vomit, and took a tentative step into the room. Attempting to not inhale too deep, he made his way to a chair and sat down. He watched Sirius.

The man before him was not taking care of himself. The man before him was a shell of the Sirius he knew. His shell had cracked when he first read that letter, but now the cracks were chasms. Remus knew how it felt to feel so broken, and feel as though the pieces would never come together again. Knowing this, he also knew he had to help Sirius, whether Sirius thought he needed help or not.

Suddenly, Sirius jumped off the couch. Remus' heart pounded at his sudden movement. Sirius began strumming with abandon, and singing at the top of his lungs. More like yelling, Remus thought.

“I wanna see it painted, painted black...Black as night, black as coal...I wanna see the sun, blotted out from the sky...I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black…”

And then, Sirius broke. Remus watched his friend drop the guitar and sink to his knees as sobs wracked his body. He leaned forward perhaps to comfort Sirius, but he didn’t know what to say or do. Hesitantly, he moved to the floor and scooted toward Sirius. When Sirius didn’t flinch or move away, he moved the guitar out of the way, and held him in his arms until Sirius breathing returned to normal.

Sirius' voice cracked. “Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up.”

“It’s going to be ok,” was all Remus could say. But he said it over, and over. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself or Sirius.

Eventually, Remus convinced Sirius to sit up and talk to him.

“Whatever you’re feeling is normal and natural,” Remus said to him. “Your friends are worried about you, and you’re not letting us help you by shutting us out.”

Sirius nodded and looked at Remus through red-rimmed eyes. “I know,” he whispered. “It hurts so bad though. How do I get through this?”

Remus took a deep steadying breath. “One day at a time,” he replied. “Let’s start with a shower.”

While Sirius was in the shower, Remus took it upon himself to clean up the flat a little bit. A few Scourgify spells later, and it was looking and smelling a lot better. As was Sirius who emerged from the bathroom later, wrapped in a towel. 

He padded into his bedroom, and emerged again in clean clothes. He held his hands out to his sides and offered a sad smile to Remus. “How do I look?”

“Much better. I have to get back to the tattoo shop, I left Lily watching it while I was gone. If you don’t feel up to going to work today, then you are welcome to hang out with me.”

“Anything is probably better than wallowing around by myself, right?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

A/N: I have complicated feelings about this chapter. It was simultaneously easy, and hard, and cathartic to write and edit. It was easy in that the words just flew onto the page, like, they were already inside me begging to come out. And I’m not going to think too deeply on why that may be, that’s a job for a licensed professional. It was hard because putting myself in that headspace was...painful, to be honest. And it was cathartic because when I finished, I sat back and let out a breath...and I might have cried a little...but it was like, I felt lighter. A friend told me once that writers write what they know...I guess I know the darkness more than I’d like to admit.

Next Chapter: Chapter 10

[hawkland]

Dear Hurt Comfort Exchange creator

My Letter for the 2021 Hurt Comfort Exchange

My AO3 profile: sidewinder

Thank you for writing for me! I know I’ll be thrilled with whatever you come up with for any of my requests. (And if I babble on or have more prompts for one request than another, don’t take that as any kind of preference. I’d love receiving any of these equally; some are just newer ships for me so I may have a lot of unfulfilled ideas.)

Please consider the requested tags all the “prompt” you need if so inspired, if none of my suggested scenarios and ideas inspire you. Also, of course, feel free to combine them or use only one as you see fit!

Overall/General Do Not Wants:

A/B/O dynamics, mating heats

animal abuse/death

anything related to pregnancy/childbirth/kidfic

formalized BDSM relationships

non-canon gender identities and/or sexual orientations except gay/bi/pan for requested ships/characters 

scat/watersports

unrequested alternative-universe scenarios such as high school/mundane/genderswap/coffee shop/etc (however, canon-divergent AUs completely fine!)

Supernatural

I'm a fairly new SPN fan so I am still in the phase of discovering all the joy (and pain and angst) this ship/fandom can bring me. So I have a LOT of requests, varying based on who is hurt & who needs comforting.

As far as general fandom/universe likes, I'm also a big fan of Bobby, Charlie, Sam, Gabriel and Balthazar - so feel free to include them in any form or fashion that might fit. I can go with either human or still-angel Cas as endgame if it applies. Similarly, either feel free to ignore the finale (everything 15.18-15.20) or give me plenty of angst "fixing" it/expanding on it so that it's not...such...ugh.

My only fandom-specific DNW is any suggestion/inclusion of Wincest.

Castiel/Dean Winchester (hurt Castiel)

Wingfic - injured wings 

Wingfic - Grooming Wings to Comfort Winged Character

I have a serious fixation on Cas's wings and any scenario where Dean can actually see/feel them. Dean tending to Cas's weakened/broken wings after the Angels' fall (or, earlier in canon if somehow injured). Maybe post-finale/rescue/etc his wings start to heal but he needs Dean to help groom them during the healing/regrowth process.

Sharing a bed with hurt character while mutually pining 

Being bathed while mutually pining 

Comforter drapes their coat over hurt character's shoulders 

Character A gently bathes hurt B (turns sexual) 

Guilt over past actions 

Cathartic Crying

Character A has been crying and tries to hide it but Character B still notices it

Character doesn't realize how badly they're hurt until they collapse

Character feels comforted by wearing loved one's clothes

Keeping Sick Characters Warm

Falling Asleep As A Sign Of Trust

I'd love human!Cas for these (Season 9, AU where Cas stays at the bunker? Or post-canon if coming back from The Empty meant giving up his grace.) He's struggling with adapting to his human condition/getting hurt, maybe just overwhelmed by human emotions and sensations? Dean is there to help, of course, and Things Happen. (With a side note that I love stories that don't forget that Cas is/was a bad-ass captain, leader and fighter among angels - so he's not and never should be a total woobie. But maybe that makes it harder for him to accept when he DOES need help and comforting because it's not something he's ever been used to needing - or receiving - in the past.)

Aftermath of Resurrection 

attempted self-sacrifice is thwarted by people who do not agree character is expendable 

Big Damn Rescue (with comfort)

A rescues B from the underworld or afterlife 

Fix-it - Character survives canonical death 

Recovering from traumatic resurrection 

Touch-Starved 

Touch-Starved Character gets their hair stroked & gets other kind gentle touches & cuddles

Character doesn't believe they deserve to be saved at such a cost; loved one disagrees 

Dreamworld featuring worst memories/fears

Resurrection - came back wrong

Rescue

These are all suggestions for any kind of fix-it to 15x18 and getting Cas back from The Empty. Just...go wild with the angst and h/c here. Maybe it's taken some time to get Cas back and he's not sure how to deal with being back. It's been so long that he's been isolated in his dreams/regrets/nightmares that he's starved for (Dean's) touch, but it's almost overwhelming to be near him again (or he's having a hard time telling reality from just another dream.) Or, for "Resurrection - came back wrong" - Cas is back but Dean senses something isn't right about him or the entire situation. What can he do to fix it, if anything?

Character overuses powers/magic/etc to protect a loved one 

Forced to watch other character's trauma 

Torture - Tortured While Loved Ones Were Forced To Watch

Pretty much what the tags say, nothing really to add but bring on the angst and comfort after the hurt!

Castiel/Dean Winchester (hurt Dean)

Character A hurts Character B accidentally during sex 

Losing Control Over Magic/Powers 

Character A doesn't know their own strength and hurts B by mistake

What it says on the tin, basically. Cas gets overwhelmed when having sex with Dean (or when triggered by something else, a perceived threat/danger) and accidentally injures him? Healing may take some time due to the severity (or limited powers in the aftermath), or Cas just feels extreme guilt over having hurt the one he loves so badly.

Pining character reveals their feelings while not quite lucid (hurt/drunk/etc.) 

Character(s) ashamed of their sexual desires 

Character A takes Character B on a road trip to avoid dealing with current bad situation

Boys being stupid with their feelings and not talking to each other, but a h/c scenario forces the truth to come out.

Aftermath of Resurrection 

Aftermath of torture that broke character 

Aftermath of Torture 

Past Torture

I need more angst/actual dealing with what it did to Dean to spend 40 years in Hell. This feels like it was so glossed over in canon compared to the fact that, truly, it means he spent more time in Hell than alive on Earth literally up until almost the time of his (finale) death. (I mean I get this is SPN and they all went through stuff, but, SERIOUSLY! Why did it seem like a year in Purgatory affected him more than so much time in Hell?) So any story with Cas (or Cas and other characters), trying to help him with that. Comforting him through nightmares or panic attack, getting him to finally talk about it (could even be post-finale canon-compliant, residual anger that his life was cut so short after all the torture he went through in Hell?)

Character A gets angry at Character B's tendency to self-sacrifice 

attempted self-sacrifice is thwarted by people who do not agree character is expendable 

attempted self-sacrifice 

Bedside Vigils 

Fix-it - Character survives canonical death 

Character resigned to their death survives; doesn't know how to cope 

Waking from coma or deep sleep and realizing the beloved caretaker is near

Any kind of fix-it to Dean's death by rebar; I can't get enough of them. Maybe Dean doesn't die in the finale, but he is severely wounded/in a coma. He's trapped in his (dream) visions of Heaven; can Cas help him come back? I could really use Cas (and other friends/family) trying to convince Dean he can actually have happiness for himself, too, that he doesn't have to keep laying down his life for everyone else.

Gentle acts of caretaking 

Gently coaxing out-of-it sick/hurt character back to bed

Character ordered to rest tries to work anyway 

Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Caring for hurt character by cooking for them or getting them their favourite food

Character cooks for sick/injured character(s)

Sick/hurt character falls asleep on comforter

Back rubs/hair stroking to help a character sleep

Sleepy Cuddles

Awkward Comforter

Watching Hurt Character Sleep

Wingfic - Using Wings to Hug Another Character

Just...any kind of sweet comfort fic where Cas gives Dean what he needs after an exhausting hunt or when not feeling well. Maybe when/if Cas is human so he no longer has his angelic healing powers to fall back on, so he tries to do whatever else he can to make Dean feel better? Even if it's bad cooking, awkward cuddles, misguided attempts at human “comfort” he doesn’t quite understand.

Crossover Fandom

Ezekiel Stone (Brimstone) & Castiel (SPN) (hurt Castiel) Ezekiel Stone (Brimstone) & Dean Winchester (SPN) (hurt Dean) Ezekiel Stone (Brimstone) & Dean Winchester (SPN) (hurt Ezekiel)

Aftermath of Torture 

Aftermath of Violence 

Character is beaten up and left for dead 

Talking about their traumas 

characters help each other cope with grief 

Character with high pain tolerance is in too much pain to hide it having to hide while injured 

poisoned wound 

Trapped Together During Gunfire/Fighting 

Character's been pulled to alternate dimension where everything's weird and they need an ally 

Character A comforts Character B about their shared misfortune 

Magical Ailment/Disease 

trapped in an isolated place together 

Road Trip - To Undo the Apocalypse 

Both Captured - Forced to Work Together to Escape 

A used to mistreatment from others unsure if B will help them

I'm fascinated by the idea of crossing over these two canons. Even if there's some conflict in their approach to Hell/Lucifer/demons, there's still a lot in common. Dean & Ezekiel having both put in their time in Hell and being demon Hunters, for instance, and their complicated relationships with (fallen) angels. I'd love to see them bonding over their experiences (Maybe they even meet in Hell? Time DOES work differently there...) Maybe somehow after Ezekiel completed his mission for the Devil, he did get his second chance at "life on Earth"...but the devil's trick is that it's not HIS Earth, it's in a different dimension (Supernatural's). I'm also curious how Ezekiel might respond to Castiel as an angel--perhaps he mistakes Cas for a demon at first, with his powers, but then they realize they are in fact hunting the same demon? Cas is stuck in an alternative dimension and recognizes Ezekiel as a similar soul to Dean's, and seeks out his help?

Basically I'd love some kind of casefic/demon hunt here, with the characters bonding over their shared/similar past traumas, taking care of each other when/if injured on a hunt, and/or perhaps helping them sort out their complicated feelings for another (ie, background Cas/Dean and/or Zeke/the Devil are TOTALLY welcome here, as I ship both of those ships.)

Law & Order: SVU

John Munch/Odafin "Fin" Tutuola (hurt Fin) John Munch/Odafin "Fin" Tutuola (hurt John)

Gentle acts of caretaking 

Comfort Food 

making comfort food for emotionally distressed character 

Caring for hurt character by cooking for them or getting them their favourite food 

Aftermath of Violence 

Emotional Hurt/Comfort 

Bedside Vigils 

Overworking Character ordered to rest tries to work anyway 

Character is Exhausted From Overwork 

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD 

Fights with family member - Helps them feel better in some shape or form 

Worrying over the safety of family members 

Trapped Together During Gunfire/Fighting 

trapped in an isolated place together 

Character A holds Character B as they fall asleep after bad day

Characters live together while one recovers from hurt 

Watching TV Together After a Stressful Mission/Quest

Caring for pet as self-care

Hangover

A presumed dead; B refuses to believe A died 

Presumed Dead

Munch/Fin is a forever OTP for me. I love any story that features some kind of gentle caretaking between them, small gestures of affection, love, and concern that say so much without the words that they may (still) struggle to speak. So my prompts for them are mostly of the soft and emotional kind of hurt/comfort revolving around their jobs and what they have to process involving that. Making sure a character gets enough rest/eats when pushing too hard to solve a case. Providing a shoulder to cry on/being someone to vent at when a case doesn't go their way/they can't save every victim. Not slowing down enough when injured/needing to recuperate because a case matters too much to them. Munch perhaps musing/worried about getting older and not being physically strong enough, any longer, to be able to protect Fin in the field (is that why he finally goes for the sergeant promotion, and/or eventually retires?)

Worrying about/dealing with a family member who might be in danger is another thing I'd love to see — Fin worried over Ken, Alejandro and their baby. Or perhaps Munch gets a call from his brother and there’s some kind of trouble with his family in Baltimore?

Anything along those lines (whether an episode expansion/missing scene or a completely original casefic) would leave me extremely happy. I'd also LOVE to read an angsty presumed dead fic, which has been so hard to find for this ship.

The Orville

Ed Mercer/Gordon Malloy (both hurt)

On the Run - Together 

Fight to Survive - Post-Apocalyptic 

trapped in an isolated place together 

Permanently Stranded on Another World/Planet 

stranded in hostile environment with injury 

stranded in space 

Trapped In Liminal Space 

Apocalypse - Survivors find comfort with each other 

Trapped with someone in need of medical care 

characters help each other cope with grief 

aftermath of near death experience 

desperate love confession after near-death experience

Casual/Unromantic Sex Leads to Unwanted Feelings 

Character Tries to Convince Themselves They're Fine With Casual Sex; They're Not

This very silly show still manages to give me a lot of deep feels, and I really love Ed and Gordon's friendship, the history that's clearly there between them. This is definitely a friends-to-lovers ship for me, or maybe a casual sex-relationship turned-more-serious.

I'd love a story set in the alternative universe/timeline we glimpsed in the second season finale, "The Road Not Taken"—where the Kaylons have destroyed life on earth and the remaining Orville crew members are trying to survive in a loose resistance. In that we saw Ed and Gordon on the run together, so that's what I would love to see more of. Their day-to-day survival, grief over what was lost, hiding out or trapped somewhere together knowing no one is out there who can rescue them.

Otherwise, any kind of mission gone wrong where they end up stranded in space/stuck on an alien world together with no way to get back to the ship/crew. How would they cope with losing everything they once had and knew?

Homicide: Life on the Street

Kay Howard/John Munch (hurt Kay) Kay Howard/John Munch (hurt John) Kay Howard/John Munch (both hurt)

Kay/John is another one of my longtime comfort OTPs; I just love them both so much and the fun contrast they present. Honestly H:LOTS is one of my all-time favorite television series, period, and I'm always happy to see more fic for it!

I don't have any specific fandom DNWs here, go wild, include any other/all characters from the canon universe who might fit. I basically love them all.

Trapped with someone in need of medical care 

Trapped Together During Gunfire/Fighting 

trapped in an isolated place together 

Love confession to/from sick/hurt character who is out of it 

Character A Confesses Feelings Because They Think Character B is Unconscious 

Humor as way of dealing with pain/trauma 

Driving with a mildly sick/injured character in the passenger seat 

Driving with a severely sick/injured character in the passenger seat

For these I'd love any kind of case-fic/action-type scenario where one or both of them is injured or in danger. The stress of the situation leads to a confession of or acting on feelings.

Emotional Hurt/Comfort 

characters help each other cope with grief 

Dealing w the loss of loved ones/friends/acquaintances/familiar faces as time marches on

aftermath of near death experience 

Aftermath of Violence 

Character who is clearly not fine insists they are fine

Survivor Guilt

I'm thinking of these as episode codas or episode-related scenarios. Mourning Al's death after the events in the HLOTS movie, perhaps. Or the aftermath of the events in Season 3 with the Gordon Pratt incident—Kay, Bolander and Felton all being gravely injured and John being the only one who was left standing. I'm always keen on exploring his feelings of helplessness and guilt there, with nearly losing Kay and the others. Also how Kay recovered and felt after coming so close to death.

Gentle acts of caretaking

Comfort Food

Caring for hurt character by cooking for them or getting them their favourite food 

Character cooks for sick/injured character(s) 

Hangover

Again, I love characters cooking for each other as a way of showing love and comfort. I tend to see Munch as someone who has a secret knack for being a good cook, so maybe he makes something special for Kay when she's sick/recovering from something and it reveals a side of John she never knew or saw before.

[thefledglingdm]

7, 37 & 38, please! 💕

aaaaaaaaaaa thank you!!!!! these are SO POSITIVE, thank you for sending this after a v stressful day bc i am an anxious child. this got a little (very) long so the answer is below the cut!!!! thank you again!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

oh there are SO MANY parts of once that i am incredibly proud of???? like that’s one of the best pieces i’ve written in a long time. it was hard to pick, but i think the moment riza realizes she’s truly in love with roy is my favorite in that work:

She inhaled, breath shaky. She needed to get herself back under control. “But you are about to do something reckless. Something wrong. I swore to protect you the day I agreed to work with you. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m pointing a gun at your head.” Damn it, damn it, her hand was starting to shake and her voice crack and she needed to be stronger than this. Every breath was agony when she said, “This is pure hatred, and I will not let it take you.”

You will not, Riza vowed. She spoke it to the universe. She would spit in God’s face if They came down to try and argue with her.

You will not have him. You cannot take him. You will not take the man I love.

And of course, of course that’s the moment she knew what this was. That she gave in and stopped denying and pretending. Riza Hawkeye loved Roy Mustang with every fiber of her being, with everything that she was, and that knowledge settled over her like a blanket and yet changed nothing because she had loved him for years. It was as if she had been looking at all of her memories through a filter, and now with the haze gone she can see the sharpness of the lines and brilliance of the colors and she loved him, she loved him, she loved him.

i just. *jenny slate scream.* the pain. the love. the drama and angst of realizing that she loved him and didn’t want to live without him at the exact moment she was closest to losing him forever (literally and metaphorically), which is then mirrored by roy in the next scene???? i’m weak.

37. Talk about your current wips.

ok there are 2 big ones. the flame-witch and deadshot, my role-reversal FMAB fic, which is just. i’m sorry i haven't updated it i’m at this really frustrating writer’s block where i KNOW what happens next, i just don’t know how we GET there exactly. there are so many things i can’t wait to SHOW YOU ALL because there were some questions that i had after watching the series that weren’t answered, that we are going to dive into and answer together. also the what-ifs spiraled out and i just. what would a riza raised by a lone berthold look like? how would that affect how she saw the world? what if roy was a sniper wouldn’t that be sexy? how would riza react to ishval? how would she build her team, what would happen? how would she and roy build this incredible trust and friendship and fall in love if they don’t have the history of growing up together? because they WILL fall in love have no fear.

i also can’t write about the flame-witch without giving a shout-out to @royaidaydreams, who is the editor and the wall i bounce ideas off of who usually bounces better things back at me. she is so awesome and amazing and i really really appreciate all the work she’s done in making that fic what it is!!!! (she’s also just really sweet & cool)

and THEN there’s the blood runs stale, which is a hunter x hunter vigilante au. which is just pouring out of me rn because i am at the whims of my muse, sorry. sweet, sexy, pining kurapika who is a badass with a heart of gold who turns into a marshmallow when he sees the tall glass of water that is dr. leorio paladiknight. it’s fun and cheesy and campy and the found family is real. i also want to write another leopika that is straight-up the opposite and is the long-winded, mutual-pining, slow-burn, enemies-to-friends-to-lovers campy smut fest. so look out for that bullshit.

what i’m learning is i love writing about trauma? ok that sounds weird and shitty but like. i think stories and writing can be a cathartic release and a means for people to see themselves in a story, and by reading about/watching someone else heal, they can begin to do so, too. (though that’s not for everyone and that’s super valid/important!) i work in a really high-emotional-octane field, and i think the ways that people heal and move on from trauma - in the good, bad, messy, “weird,” complicated, ugly ways - are endlessly fascinating to read about and discuss because trauma is not pretty and i don’t want to romanticize it, but i want to write stories for whom people can see that anyone can heal from what they’ve been through and find something a bit better at the end of it? a fic i once read had a line that read “isn’t the point of working so things get better that they actually get better?” and that literally changed my life. griftings if you’re out there i love you. but yeah those are my wips

38. Talk about a review that made your day.

truly? all of them. any of them. if you so much as breathed on my fics i lost my mind. thank you so much. 

but ummmm. yours, miss firewood-figs, are always lovely!!!! and so sweet!!!!! as is @kallutozoldyck whose reviews are always highly anticipated and just so very nice and aaaaaaa? aaaa!!!! 

but also the user MissSteph22 sent me a gif (YOU CAN ADD GIFS TO AO3 REVIEWS!!!!!) in their very essay review for and i’ve been so lost without you (are you lost without me, too?) which made me cry??? 

honestly tho if you’ve ever clicked on something i wrote i face-planted into my pillow and yelled thank you ALL. sorry again this was so long i hope this doesn’t come across as self-absorbed thank you for reading and this ask and aaaaaaa!!!!!

[calystarose]

My  (Adjusted) Top Twenty Favorite Movies of 2019

These movies are sorted by Ranking and then Alphabetically. Genres are mostly just my opinion/what my focus was on in the movie. This is a squee post, so I'm focusing only on what I loved about these movies. Titles link to the trailers I feel best represent the movie.

Abominable - This movie made my heart feel good. Yi's story, what she's going through and what she needs to learn and grow into is so amazing. Even watching the trailer makes me tear up because of how deeply this movie moved me. There is a lot of humor and a lot of heart and I love this movie very much.

Captain Marvel - The way Brie Larson walks in this, the way she moves her body is just so affirming and inspiring. I've never seen a woman move like that, not when she's not angry or in fight mode. She moves like Thor and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I adore Maria & Monica, Nick & Phil. I love the call-backs to other movies, the 90s references, the cat! My face hurt from smiling after watching this.

Men In Black: International - I really like the characters in this movie a whole lot. I love that we watch Molly go from being a kid to being an adult determined to find the truth. I love how prickly and dorky she is. How smart she is. I love H. He's a complicated mess of a man that uses humor to hide pain and that's like catnip! I wrote fic for this, I was so enchanted.

Rocketman - This movie is an experience. It is very cathartic and validating. There is not one thing I'd change about it. This is the movie I consider the Best of 2019. The narrative structure, the songs used, the story told, the dialog, the acting, the singing, the dancing - it's all so perfectly done and satisfying. I feel almost drugged when I watch it, even just the trailer.

War (2019) - The action is over the top and full of unexpected twists. I've never gotten this emotionally invested in characters this quickly. About fifteen minutes into it I literally fell in love with this movie. I got that whole heady rush of new love. That giggly, silly head over heels feeling that even now can overwhelm me to the point where my body doesn't know if it wants to laugh or cry and so sometimes does both. It feels like the entire trajectory of my mental world got realigned after seeing this movie. I've started learning Hindi! It's available on Amazon Prime Video, if you're a member, and it is just so unrelentingly enjoyable I hope you'll go watch it. I'll be hosting a War Watch Party at Escapade because dear god, I want more people to know this amazing movie. This is my absolute favorite movie of the year.

Charlie's Angels (2019) - This was even better the second time, and fuck am I queer. :D But for real, this was fun and funny and exciting and...*exciting*. It's light-hearted, a little over the top, and pretty fast-paced. I adore the characters and the version of the world they've created. I look forward to watching it again.

Ready Or Not - SO GROSS! :D But exciting and funny, often in snarky and vicious ways. Very, very satisfying story with a great ending. I loved all the actors in this, just acting the FUCK out of their roles.

Stuber - This is big stupid fun. Lots of physical humor and the two leads have lovely chemistry together. The story is interesting and well done and the jokes almost never punch down. It makes me laugh hard, often. Like belly laughs.

Terminator: Dark Fate - I really love these characters. I first saw Sarah Connor when my sister somehow convinced our mom to let her take my 9 year-old self to see the first Terminator movie and I've loved her ever since. I adore the new characters of Grace and Dani Ramos. Their stories, what they go through/went through is compelling and entertaining. As a sapphic woman, this movie was very visually satisfying. I would kill to have more.

The Kitchen - I'm in love with Tiffany Haddish and it was so incredibly gratifying to get to see her in a role this meaty. Her character is utterly fascinating to me and I could watch hours more of just her. Melissa's character is amazing as well, strong and sturdy like an ox who can and will trample anyone that fucks with her. Elizabeth's character is oddly sweet and relatably crazy. This movie has weight and dimension, I can feel it in a sense.

Black Christmas - I have not seen either of the earlier versions of this movie, but I really loved how unapologetically 'misandrist' this version is. There are some heavy parts, some sharp social commentary, and some light-heartedness. But best of all there are genuine moments of triumph that were incredibly validating to the rage that I've felt from times I've been helpless. I really liked the climax of the movie.

Booksmart - My favorite part of this movie is probably Billie Lourd's character Gigi. She is a batshit crazy delight. But I also loved the friendship between the two lead characters, Amy & Molly. And it was so neat to see Kaitlyn Dever in this role. Lots of laughs and lots of fun. It's nice having a queer character in a movie where it's not all about them being queer. Amy's a nerdy lesbian teenager and feels like a real person.

Pokémon Detective Pikachu - This movie is just so damn beautiful to look at. I love the mix of animation and real world. I love the mystery. Pikachu was so freaking adorable. Justice Smith did a lovely job talking to himself. :D

Godzilla: King Of Monsters - I LOVE THESE KAIJU! Sincerely, I just adore them. Mothra is SO PRETTY and Godzilla is so brave! This was a very fun popcorn movie that genuinely entertained and thrilled me. We saw it on the IMAX screen and it was AMAZING. :D

Happy Death Day 2U - Horror-Comedy Groundhog's Day is how I sum this up. It's so much fun and utterly hilarious. I really like Tree, she's shouty and smart and funny.

Harriet - Cynthia Erivo is a gift. This movie was so compelling and moving. The narrative, and visual, focus keeps the emotion and stakes high without ever descending into voyeurism. Beautiful to listen to as well.

Hustlers - The complicated and complex relationship between Ramona and Destiny is the heart of this movie and I find it endlessly fascinating. The movie settled in my tummy afterward, making me think.

Nancy Drew & The Hidden Staircase - This was a really good mystery and a fun movie. The characters are likable and Nancy is adorable.

Shazam! - I really enjoyed this. I liked the kid Billy, liked his story and journey and how he grows. I love the foster family. The darker aspects of the story were handled well, I feel. I loved the ending. Great kid actors.

Spider-Man: Far From Home - It's impossible to not like Tom Holland's Peter. He's adorable and feels authentically young. I adore MJ's everything, the nerdy-dorky-macabre thing she does is so relatable. :D Marisa Tomei remains one of my favorite actors and she's so beautiful! 

We've seen 66 different movies in the theatre this year, so far, but the top 20 isn't going to change given what's left to see.  We saw 68 unique movies in the theatre this year, five of the movies were not released this year (4 from last year & The Goonies), so I disqualified them for this list. We were able to do this because we had first the AMC A-List & then Regal Unlimited movie club memberships. Some of the movies we saw multiple times. These are movies that I liked the best, that entertained me the most, that I would most often be up for rewatching or a combination of that. This has been a crazy experience and I'm thankful to my bff delibby for letting me come along on the ride. (The adjustment is dropping Knives Out from the top 20 and putting Black Christmas in.)

[dotthings]

Well that flayed my emotions as much as I hoped and in some encouraging ways YES PAIN WITH PURPOSE THANK YOU. There’s a lot here, as is usual with Bobo eps and I’m going to have to take this one at a time especially since I really really need to break down what happened with Dean and Cas in this ep, at length. Yep I am going to go on a bit about Dean and Cas. As you do.

I’ve posted quite a bit of meta about how the rift was a combination of things. It’s years of unaddressed issues. Dean’s abandonment issues vs Cas’s tendency to be taken away, or die, or leave. Years of that. Then on top of it, when Cas couldn’t stand with Dean about Jack, and when he kept some crucial information from Dean that he shouldn’t have due to Jack. Let me restate something I’ve said before: Dean wasn’t wrong to express his hurt and anger. He loves Cas, and Cas is imperfect. No Cas isn’t always the screw up and Dean I already knew regretted that and didn’t believe that (see? I told you) nor does Dean ever want Cas dead. But Cas is imperfect and Cas has hurt Dean, as Dean has hurt Cas. Then there’s Cas’s fears about not being needed/wanted, his doubts about his place in this family, and in Dean’s heart vs. the complicated mess that is involved in being adopted into the Winchester clan as deeply as Cas was. So their insecurities have been their own worst enemies for years, and then the Jack and Mary thing happened. And then ON TOP OF ALL THAT, Chuck and Dean’s wondering what’s real what isn’t. I was pretty sure at least some of that might make it overtly into the prayer. But no none of that.

While I think it is definitely good that Dean expressed himself so openly and did it in a prayer he definitely had reasons to believe Cas would hear and it is really really good Cas HEARD HIM OH MY GOD THANK YOU CAS HEARD ALL THAT. It’s also not such good news that what comes out here is that this is all about Dean’s anger issues and he “can’t stop it.” And I’m not deciding here whether this is authorial eye or Dean’s. It certainly makes sense that Dean would pull guilt onto himself (rather than authorial blaming Dean). But Dean pulling all the guilt into himself, crying and apologizing and there being very little in the ep to address the other side of this--the Cas pov, and how Cas has hurt Dean--is just more cyclical unhealthiness.

Maybe this prayer was cathartic. Maybe this will help Dean going forward, letting go of that anger, that guilt. 

So that dynamic therefore is actually really unhealthy. Lashing out at your best friend, who you love, that severely because you just can’t help it when a crisis happens and the pressure is on, even if said best friend hurt you? It’s not a problem that Dean expressed his hurt and anger, it’s that he went too far. And he couldn’t help it. And it wasn’t Chuck existential crisis or even about Mary, it’s just that when under pressure Dean lashes out at those he loves and can’t stop it. While that is a valid issue...that kind of takes the entire burden and puts it onto Dean. Full stop. It’s all Dean’s fault. Dean, how dare you get angry and hurt when you best friend does stuff that actually...hurts you. This is, IMO, canon putting the kind of pressure on Dean that fandom does. Only express positive feelings, Dean, otherwise shut up. Regardless of intent, that’s kind of what this scene validated.

So on top of years of issues Dean and Cas haven’t dealt with, chronic issues, about each other. On top of reasons here Dean might think the bond was manufactured by Chuck, but all right, that last point doesn’t seem to be presenting itself unless I reach pretty down deep into subtext. Maybe we can say it’s fueling Dean’s anxieties and made everything worse, ramped everything up.

But I think given how this unfolded, Dean and Cas having some time apart isn’t a bad idea. That this turned out to actually be “Dean lashes out when he’s panicked and he can’t stop himself” and hurt Cas so much with it is worrying and I get it’s supposed to be worrying. But I’m not exactly vomiting rainbows. I  WANT THEM TO FIX IT.  I’m incredibly uncomfortable with how the story (whether authorial view or not) places it all on Dean. 

This is, frankly, going to feed the Dean hate and I’m just so tired of it, it’s unfair, it’s a twisted stanning view of the character, it lacks empathy, and I’m sorry that this episode did something that validated people who literally needed Dean LITERALLY ON HIS KEES CRYING AND APOLOGIZING before they might believe Dean isn’t an uncaring asshole. Some of us didn’t need that to know, while it is good that Dean said what was deepest in his heart. Yet there’s still going to be stans who keep bashing him and saying he doesn’t care about Cas. I really wish they would just stop and they never will so I will ignore it best I can.

After what I just witnesses in this ep, I am beyond FLOORED if there would be ANYONE LEFT IN THIS FANDOM WHO COULD THINK THAT. I get thinking they need couples therapy or maybe they need space. I’m thinking it. But to actually keep flogging the idea that Dean doesn’t care about Cas, that was already egregious before this ep, now it’s REALLY really egregious to keep flogging that.

So I’m uneasy, for what this means for Dean and Cas--not that they can’t or won’t fix this. OBVIOUSLY THEY WILL FIX THIS. They want to fix this. The arc isn’t over--and for what it means for Dean.

On the one hand, I’m glad to see things dig so deeply into Dean’s issues. Because it’s not Dean hate to say, yeah he’s got some anger issues and needs to examine that. But on the other hand, Dean crying and apologizing on his knees is NOT THE FIX FOR THE RELATIONSHIP. Because there’s unaddressed stuff from Cas’s side. And I’m sure a lot of people are going to breeze right by that. Because in this fandom you have to choose Dean or Cas, and one or the other is being dragged as being an uncaring assholes. 

The good news, this ep was exactly what I thought and hoped it would be for Dean and Cas otherwise, in terms of getting them past that early season freeze. 

Oh that revisiting of Purgatory was effing beautiful, structurally and emotionally. Cas refused to split up this time. Cas waited at the portal. Cas went through the portal with Dean. There is healing in this ep, they went through a similar situation only with a different outcome. Cas isn’t voluntarily staying in Purgatory to wear a hair shirt this time. This time, Cas didn’t run off and leave Dean just to protect Dean, they only got separated after they were overpowered. Cas waited and waited by that portal and Dean looked and looked. That was no really, that was beautiful (whatever issues I have about the prayer itself).

This was the thaw. This was the beginning of the next phase for Dean and Cas, and no it’s not intended as a fix. The door’s been opened, the ice has broken, the walls have crumbled, so that they can fix it and hopefully to an even better, stronger relationship that all they’ve been before, which is really strong already but damn they have so many issues. While Dean and Cas have mostly been a comforting relationship for me on SPN (health for relative values of healthy) and it is mostly a positive relationship...yeah. Issues. 

JFC I just really hope Cas is going to get to voice how he feels about hurting Dean as he has and it does an incredible disservice to the characters and their story to skip over that, not just because I’m defensive of Dean, but for Cas’s sake, for the sake of his character and pov. I feel like Cas’s pov is incomplete. He’s not getting to express himself the way I really really hope he will and I think he needs to. Hell, can I have Cas on his knees in tears pouring his heart out about Dean, it wouldn’t be a prayer or actual tears probably, since he’s an angel, but give me something.

Howe even did things get to the point where it’s Dean carrying most of the Destiel and expressing most of the feelings and bleeding out emotionally again and again in canon and yet so many people act like CAS is the one doing all the pining, as if Dean is the uncaring asshole, while we have such gaps in Cas expressing his pov on Dean. It’s absolutely WILD. It’s beyond wild. 

The other good news is despite my discomfort with the speech, I am reeling a bit at just how expressive it was. I do think as the one who said the harsh things, Dean would be the one who needed to take the first sledgehammer to the ice wall and he did it. It’s not that I agree all the blame is on him. But yes Dean opened the door and that’s a good thing. Dean falling to his knees, weeping because he’s scared he is losing his best friend again. To PURGATORY AGAIN NO LESS *screaming internally* and with all the times since he’s lost Cas. It wasn’t an angry emotional rant. It was a vulnerable, sad, quiet pleading prayer directly to his best friend. I am a bit shook that the Dean and Cas feelings weren’t nested in with some other bigger plot thing eating at Dean, where Cas is one of a list, or it’s something else breaking Dean and losing Cas is just too much on top of that. No, it’s just a guy falling to his knees because he’s scared he’s losing his best friend who he loves in every sense of the word yet again and it’s just them and their feelings.

The last time we saw something this overt from Dean, tear-filled, raw, laying it all out there, Cas was dead and in The Empty and Cas couldn’t hear it.

Ohhh and remember how I pointed out in S14 Cas hearing in Dean’s trauma memories the scream Dean let out when he lost Cas and I wasn’t sure if Cas knew that was for him or not, just that it was traumatic.

BUT THIS TIME CAS HEARD IT. HE HEARD THE PRAYER. HE KNEW DEAN CRIED. HE HEARD ALL OF DEAN’S ANGUISH ABOUT LOSING HIM. (Hopefully Cas will get an actual clue now, I hope).