#but either way my loan on it is 26 weeks out so..... probably will just keep reading it online

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once again thinking about gideon "if my heart had a dick you would kick it" nav

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Top 3 Aha Moments in Real Estate with Jay Conner & Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

https://www.jayconner.com/top-3-aha-moments-in-real-estate-with-jay-conner-chaffee-thanh-nguyen/

Real Estate Investing With Jay Conner

Jay Conner was joined by his good friend Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen. They talked about some of the “Aha! Moments” in the real estate business.

In addition, they also conversed about “Private Money”. What is Private Money? How and where you can get private money to fund your deals.

All these and more in this episode of Real Estate Investing with Jay Conner.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen is an International Speaker, #1 Best Selling Author, and Business and Success Coach.

He holds a Bachelor of Science in Industrial Engineering from the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign.

After college, he worked in Corporate America for over 11 years as an Engineer and Senior IT Business Analyst.

He was a Certified Project Management Professional with the internationally recognized Project Management Institute for 6 years.

Using his corporate experience, he went on to start multiple businesses starting in 2002, including Real Estate Investing where he has invested in multiple states across the nation.

His passion, helping others achieve their highest potential in both business and in life.

As a refugee himself, Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen is committed to helping others and giving back. He is very active within his community serving within the Jaycees as a 10th Degree Jaycee, US Jaycee Senator #70583, and a JCI Certified National Trainer.

Timestamps:

0:01 – Get Ready To Be Plugged Into The Money

0:39 – Today’s guest: Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

1:34 – Jay’s New Book: “Where To Get The Money Now” –https://www.JayConner.com/Book

2:13 – Chaffee, one of the editors of Jay’s new book talks about why you need to get this book now!

3:19 – Aha! Moments in Real Estate – Private Money Academy Conference

4:43 – Who is Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen?

8:42 – 1st Aha! Moment: Substituting the collateral allows the lender to continue earning interest on a loan for a longer period of time, should the original property sell in less than 6 months.

10:19 – What is Private Money? Who is a Private Lender?

15:43 – 2nd Aha! Moment: Sellers do not know what they will accept until you make the offer.

23:10 – How can you buy a property using Subject-to existing note strategy?

26:04 – Final Aha moment for today: You can make big money in the real estate business in a very small market.

31:49 – Chaffee’s parting comments: Go out there, do not be afraid to make offers!

Private Money Academy Conference:

https://jaysliveevent.com/live/?oprid=&ref=42135

Have you read Jay’s new book: Where to Get The Money Now? It is available FREE (all you pay is the shipping and handling) at https://www.JayConner.com/Book

Free Webinar: http://bit.ly/jaymoneypodcast

Jay Conner is a proven real estate investment leader. Without using his own money or credit, Jay maximizes creative methods to buy and sell properties with profits averaging $64,000 per deal.

What is Real Estate Investing? Live Private Money Academy Conference

https://youtu.be/QyeBbDOF4wo

YouTube Channel

https://www.youtube.com/c/RealEstateInvestingWithJayConner

iTunes:

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/private-money-academy-real-estate-investing-jay-conner/id1377723034

Listen to our Podcast:

https://realestateinvestingdeals.mypodcastworld.com/11201/top-3-aha-moments-in-real-estate-with-jay-conner-chaffee-thanh-nguyen

Top 3 Aha Moments in Real Estate with Jay Conner & Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

Jay Conner

00:03:06

Well, Chaffee, you’re the one that came up with the idea for the show today, and that is we can talk about the live event a little bit and we had 74, what we call “A-ha moments.” So, tell everybody what “A-ha moment” is at the live event, Chaffee.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:03:34

So, first of all, let me say that this was one of the best live events that we had a long time in forever. And so to have everyone there, it was a full crowd, full room. Everyone was up in mixing and mingling and having the time and most importantly learning what to do in their business, following Jay’s processes and systems. And as you can see, it’s multiple pages before an “A-ha moment,” which is a moment where Jay talks and trains and teaches about what to do and how to do it.

And the little light bulb comes on and it’s like, “A-ha! I’ve got it! It makes sense!”  

Jay Conner

00:04:14

And the attendees are writing these down and they’re turning them in. So we give away prizes and such as well for people to share their A-ha moments. We don’t have near the time to review all 74 of them, but review just a few of the comments that the live event attendees wrote down and turned in as light bulb moments, from learning at the event. But, Chaffee, lets you take a moment and tell folks about your background and how it is we work together.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:04:47

Sure. So when I was growing up, I was told you gotta go to school, get good grades and get a good job or J-O-B as we call it, right? And so that’s what it is. I did. I went to school, I got great grades.

I’m Asian, of course. So I get straight A’s and good stuff.  

Jay Conner

00:05:06

You’re really good at math, right?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:05:07

That’s right. I was good at Math. So like a lot of Asians during my time, we were either doctors or engineers and I became an engineer, went to college, got big grades again and got a job as an engineer. So I’m working as an engineer in the corporate world at a multi-billion dollar company. And it was always nagging at me, Jay, that I needed to do more. I needed to do something else because I wasn’t made to be an engineer. I was made to do a lot more than go to a job, 8:00 in the morning and come home at 8:00 at night, 10, 12 hours a day working for somebody else, doing something that I might be good at, only I don’t really enjoy, or I don’t have really have a passion about. So during that time I decided to start something on the side and that was my real estate business. Started investing in 2002 and lost a ton of money on my first deal day.

Jay Conner

00:06:09

Uh-oh. There’s one big lesson right there.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:06:09

That’s a book that I need to write, right? Of what not to do. And one thing that I didn’t have, just to share with everybody, one thing that I did now was a coach or a mentor to call up and say, “What’s going on? What am I doing wrong? Or what am I not doing? What should I be doing that I’m not doing?” And that’s really what got me in trouble, Jay, was really some of the things that I should have done that I wasn’t doing. So it wasn’t necessarily that I was doing something wrong. It was, I was missing some steps. I’m missing some things that I should’ve been doing. And so I lost a ton of money in that first deal. Learned, I went through the school of hard knocks and, and you know, lost a ton of money.

And then I got smart and I said, I need help. And so I got a mentor, I got a coach and started doing some more deals. And then I realized how powerful a coach and a mentor can be for somebody’s business and success. And that led me to personal development, which led me to fall in love with coaching. And so I started transitioning from real estate into coaching. And then while I was coaching at a real estate event, I met this guy right here, Mr. Jay Conner. And it was like a spark right away. It was like, I like this guy. He would resonate. And I like what he’s doing. And at that time you were just starting your Where To Get The Money Now course. And you’re like, I’m going to be a speaker and a trainer.

I’m like, “Me, too. I’m doing the same thing, I’m a speaker and a trainer, too.”

And so we’ve gotten in touch over the years. And then, Jay, you started blowing up. I mean, you started teaching and training a whole ton of people. And along the way, he said, “Hey, Chafee, come join the party.” And I was just like, “I’m there.” Like, where am I at? And let’s join the party and-

Jay Conner

00:07:55

You’ve probably been coming to all of our live events. It’s probably been 7 years or more, 7, 8 years, something like that. But yeah, Chaffee helps me run my mastermind group, as well. So, wow! Mastermind group is starting to blow up big time. Because we had 22 of us in the room, thereabouts, 20, 22 of us in the room, the week before last at the mastermind. And we almost doubled that now, but yeah, Chaffee’s a very, very important part of my team when it comes to working with our students and et cetera.

So anyway, as I mentioned, we just have gone through these A-ha moments. So let’s just go back and forth, Chaffee. This first one here. So I’m gonna read the A-ha moment, but then I’m gonna ask you to expand or to really talk about what it means in a very easy, simple to understand way. So George at the live event wrote down, his A-ha moment was, “Substituting the collateral while I was a lender to continue earning interest on a loan for a longer period of time, should the original property sell in less than six months.” So,how about unpacking that. First of all, a good place to start is, make sure everybody knows what we mean when we say, “collateral.” What’s collateral?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:09:24

So collateral is what you get in place of the money that you’re lending.

And in our case, Jay, or your case, the collateral is the property. And so they get the property. If something happens and you’re unable to make that payment back to them, then they can go and get the property. And a lot of times they’ll end up with a lot more money when they get the property because you’re only buying those properties that are certain after-repair value, 75% of the ARV, as we say. And so they’re better off getting a property only, obviously you’ve always paid everybody back. And so they’ve never had to use that collateral.

Jay Conner

00:10:10

Yeah, these A-ha moments. So the name of the event that we just said is called The Private Money Academy Conference. So the emphasis of the event is on how to quickly and easily get a lot of private money. So let’s be clear, first of all, Chaffee, and make sure everybody understands what we mean by “private money.” What are we not talking about and who is a private lender or what is a private lender?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:10:37

So just to be clear, private money typically comes from somebody that doesn’t really do real estate. They don’t want to get involved in real estate. They’re busy or they have other things that they want to do in their life. And they want a greater return on their money. Sometimes people confuse private lenders with hard money lenders and these are professional money lenders. And so they charge points and they charge high interest rates. And that’s what most people are familiar with. That’s what most people use, are hard money lenders. They’re not banks, they’re not institutions. They’re just people. Most of these people are retired or they’re professionals with high incomes and they have money sitting in a bank or in a retirement account, earning them less than 1% typically. And they’re looking to earn a lot more.

Jay Conner

00:11:33

So private lenders are human beings, right? As Chaffee just said, you’re not borrowing money from any kind of bank or mortgage company or broker of money. These are individuals. In fact, Carol Joy and I right now have 47 individuals that are loaning us money, investing with us to do deals. We pay them a higher rate of return, safe and secure, but nowhere near a hard money lender’s rates. One thing that’s very different about this world of private money is we make the rules as the real estate investor. We set the program, like resetting the interest rate. We determine how long the notes are. In Kentucky, they call it a 360. It’s actually a 180. So it’s the opposite direction of how it works when you’re borrowing money from a bank. When I was borrowing money from the banks up until 2009, my first 6 years, that’s where I thought, that’s what you had to do.

You had to go to the bank and borrow the money to fund your deals. Well, 2003 to 2009, that’s what I did. But since that time, and then this world of private money, we have created our own program. And like we said, the interest rate, how much interest rate would you pay, the frequency of payments, and et cetera. So back to this coming here on this A-ha moment, George says substituting collateral allows the lender to continue earning interest. So what I taught in the section was that when you have borrowed money for your real estate deal, and it sounded like I borrow a lot of what we call “seconds” or junior lien position, smaller amounts of private money, not a lot of money that I used to buy a house, but for rehab and say, for example, so I may have like a $30,000 note that I’ve borrowed to rehab a house.

Now let’s say I sell that house and the note has not expired. So if I have another property, another collate piece of collateral that I have, then I keep that note open so that the lender can keep earning their interest. And I don’t have to pay off that $30,000 note, in this example, I can just substitute or change the collateral that’s backing that note. Does that make sense, Chaffee?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:14:07

Yeah. What you’re saying is that you don’t have to pay back that private lender and pay them on the interest because you still have time left on that note. So instead of them only getting interest on four months of payments because you sold the property within 4 months, you know, it’s a 12-month note, you got eight months left. You just take that and put it on another property and they continue to get paid on those 8 months.

Something that goes along with that is a lot of times when I have a new private lender that is doing business with us, if I cash out, I’m going to pay them off or whatever. One of the first things they say is, “Well, Jay, can’t you just keep the money? I don’t want the money back.” And the answer is, you got to either substitute- If you’re doing the business my way cause we can’t borrow any unsecured money. It’s all backed by real estate. Can I do that legally? Sure. But I want to protect and give the security to the private lenders. So they’ll ask, “Well, can’t you just keep the money, Jay?” And the answer is I can, if I’ve got another property that I can collateralize that note. And the worst, I can’t, I’m just not going to keep the money.

If you pay off and you’re also shooting the collateral, then the real estate attorney can’t keep it in their escrow account, what we call “unassigned” and I mean that they’re not a savings account, right? So either got to pay them back or settle through the collateral. We gotta do our next one, Chaffee. What we’ve got here on the sheet?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:15:42

I like this one that Felicia had which is, “Sellers do not know what they will accept until you make the offer.”

Jay Conner

00:15:55

Yes. That’s always an A-ha moment. So the A-ha moment is that sellers do not know what they will accept until you make an offer. But now I’ve heard you say this a hundred times, Chaffee, “I’ve never bought a house that I didn’t make an offer on.” Right? So the reason this is such an important point is I just know from experience, it happens all the time and Carol Joy and I, and my team, we do 2 to 3 deals a month, right?

Not a lot of deals, but 420 rehabs since we started this back in 2003. What I’ve learned over all these years is that regardless of what the seller says is the least they will accept. Now, this is particularly if they’re talking to someone else on your team, like the acquisitions. So I have a full-time acquisitionist that does the initial negotiating with the sellers. So regardless of what they tell Kim, our acquisitionist, then I’ll run the numbers. I may not be able to offer that amount of money that he said was the least they would take. So a lot of times I’ll get back to Kim and I’ll offer much, much less. For example, we’ve got a house over in Beaufort right now, that lead came in from one of our bird dogs, a.k.a. Field Agent, a.k.a. Ant Farmer. Anyway, they sent me a picture of this FSBO sign.

And we got up into the seller, Chaffee, and the seller told Kim, in fact it was an inherited property, told him they weren’t going to take one penny less than $300,000. We ran the numbers. I couldn’t offer $300,000 to make it work. The most I could offer was 250,000. So I went back to Kim. I said, “Give them the offer,” and I’m just not offering 250,000, it’s how this offer is framed and presented. I said, “All cash,” i.e. private money, private in there to buy it. And then I could close in 7 days. I knew the house was vacant. I knew it was imperative. There’s no emotional attachment to this property. And these 2 sisters just want to cash out. And so I said, “We close in 7 days, all cash. Don’t have to go get approved for a mortgage or get approved for a loan.”

And that was $50,000 less than just what they said, the least they’d take is 300, and Chaffee, they accepted it. Boom, no conversation. They accepted it, $50,000 less. So as is written down here. They really don’t know. I think they may have really thought that in their head, they may not have been playing any games, but when you’ve got an all-cash offer offered to you and you can have all that cash in 7 days. I mean, that will affect the way you think. Right, Chaffee?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:18:57

Absolutely. I mean that’s a $50,000 lesson right there, right?

Jay Conner

00:19:00

Exactly. Exactly. So the takeaway from that for me is, if you want the property, make the offer, period.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:19:12

Let me add why I think that’s also very important is that before you even get to the conversation with the seller, Jay, a lot of students that I’ve talked to that have trouble or challenges finding deals always tell me, like I asked him, “How many offers did you make?”

And they’ll say like, “2 or 3.” I go, “Why haven’t you made more offers?” And they’ll say, “Well, the numbers don’t make sense.” And so that’s a wall for them, right? That’s a mental wall that says they look at the numbers from the MLS or the lead sheet or wherever they got that lead from and say, well, you know, it just doesn’t make sense. Like, they want more, it doesn’t meet the MAO, the maximum allowable offer, or it’s above that. So it’s not a lead, let me just throw it away. And regardless of what the numbers say, if you just make the offer, according to what your numbers should be, you’ll be surprised at how many people come back and counter the offer or start that negotiation process. Or as you said, Jay, just take it because they want out.

Jay Conner

00:20:17

Exactly, and there’s an art to making the offer as well.

So we’re going to make the offer, but we’re also going to justify the offer. Many times we will share my formula that I use with the seller. Now I say, the math is what makes the decision and what we can do. And we just get the white elephant out of the conversation, like right up front. In fact, the sellers that I was visiting with this past Friday, I sat down with them for two hours, I still make offers myself. I enjoy visiting people. So I’m sitting down with these people. And so I knew what their number was and we were $30,000 off. And so I had already gone through the house and looked at the repairs that they needed and etc.

And I told them right up front and I said, “Look, I think we’re going to have to work something out,” but I’ll tell you it doesn’t work out all the time. We call that the ‘takeaway,’ right? But I just get the white elephant out of the way by saying, you know what, unless this is a win for you and a win for her husband that was sitting there as well. And this is a win for both of you and a win for me then I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t want to be involved in any transaction where everybody is not winning. And for everybody to win, all of us have got to give a little bit, too, for that to happen for a long time. So I justified the offer by actually sharing the formula and the math.  

I don’t want to come across as though I am just like pulling some figure out of thin air and just trying to make an extra $30,000 and be some greedy real estate investor. There’s an actual formula to where this comes from and I actually gave him a choice. And one I’m gonna bring up now is not on the A-ha moments, but we talked about it at lunch and that is, I gave them multiple offers. I gave them a choice. And quite frankly, I was happy with whatever choice they took, I said, “Look, I can buy this property.” Of course they never heard of the subject to the existing note, nobody’s ever heard of it. So you gotta like, dumb that conversation down, but I said I can pay you all cash, or I can give you $10,000 more if I buy it from you with what we call,

“subject to the existing note,” or “subject to,” as most real estate investors. And they immediately took the 10,000 more. That’s what they had in their- at least these people were current. I mean, they got fantastic credit. So just to make sure everybody understands, Chaffee, tell our audience and listeners and viewers here, what do we mean by buying a property, subject to the existing note?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:23:21

So when we say “buy, subject to the existing note,” which is not something that you would actually say to the seller. You’re not going to say I’m going to buy your property subject to the existing note because that’s right over their head, right? So basically they have a mortgage on that property with the bank or with a credit union or some institution. And all you’re going to do is you’re going to make their payments for them.

So they’re not getting rid of that loan, instead, you’re just gonna pay those payments as they come on a monthly basis and they’re going to transfer the title of the property to you. So you’re going to own the property and make payments as if it was your loan, except the loan stays in their name. So that’s the only thing. You’re making their payments and you’re taking over the property and they can go on their happy way and live their life. So they don’t have to worry about those monthly payments anymore. And oftentimes Jay, with “subject to,” with the strategy that you use, if somebody is behind on payments, you’re actually helping them fix their credit because you’re making those on-time monthly payments. Now, in this case, they were on time. So you don’t have to do that. And as long as you continue to make those payments for them, that’s still helping their credit build up because that’s a loan on their property being paid on time

Jay Conner

00:24:38

Yeah. So they are actually getting in this transaction that I’m talking about, they are actually getting about $34,000 more than their payoff. So I’m buying it to the existing note, making the payments on that outstanding balance until I find a buyer and cash out. So the difference that I’m paying them, I explained to them, you’re getting the same amount of money in your pocket. Whether I pay all cash and pay off your mortgage, or if I buy it, this is what I call Option B and explained to them how “subject to” works. You’re still getting the same amount of money in your pocket. It’s just a matter of whether I’m going to be paying off your mortgage right now. And so what else am I going to do on this deal? I’m buying it, set it into the existing note, and then I’m going to borrow private money in a second position or a junior position, and use that little bit of private money to go ahead and give them their cash when we close on it.

One A-ha moment that I’ve read on here is they just made a statement that they heard me say to a lot of them all the time. And that is you can make really big money in this business in a very, very small market. So what’s the population of where you and your family live up in the Chicago area?

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:26:21

There’s about 8 million people in the city and the surrounding areas.

Jay Conner

00:26:26

Yeah. So he’s at 8 million. So me and Carol Joy are here in 40,000, so we did 2 to 3 deals a month, even when it’s become more challenging now to find deals in the market that we’re in.

But as I said, we do 2 to 3 a month, and we’re still averaging all this $70,000 profit per deal. Well, let’s fill up under contract that I’ve been telling everybody about. The after-repair value is right around 300,000 and I can put maybe $5,000 in this house. It’s already been totally rehabbed. There’s a little bit left upstairs. Well, here’s the math, I’m buying it for 160,000. It’s worth right at 300. And all I got to put in is about $5,000. So I didn’t have to take that to the committee to get the approval on that one.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:27:35

Let me just repeat that so everyone listening understands, Jay, is that these individuals are current on their payments and the house is worth about 300 after repair. And they’re willing to sell it to you for 160 and they’re allowing you to take over their payments.

And is that a real deal, Jay? Do those kinds of deals exist?

Jay Conner

00:27:59

Well, I’ll be able to show you the contract. I’d be able to show you the deed this coming Monday. But this is not an out of ordinary deal by any imagination. One question someone may be thinking right now is, well, why would somebody trust me to make their payments and give up all that equity? Couldn’t they put the house in the multiple listing service? They could, even though it still needs some repair upstairs. But I always ask people, “How did you know where to find us?” And we did marketing consistently everyday. We do Facebook ads. We do Google ads. We do direct mail to people that are behind and in foreclosure, et cetera. So I asked this lady, I said, “How did you find me?”

She says, “We’ve been living here for 28 years and we know what you do.” I mean, if you live around here, you’re going to see my face and you’re going to see my marketing on Facebook. And so she’s “All I did was I just went to Google and I Googled ‘Jay buys houses.’ ” There it was. But back to the question, why would someone be willing to do what we’re doing? Well, people do things for their own reasons. Sometimes you’re not even actually sure, but since I sat down with these people for two hours, I know why. The husband is not in good health and it’s like a hundred degrees here. He’s been working on this house for over a year. And he came in from the heat last week and his wife is worried sick that something’s going to happen to him.

And she’s going to be stuck with the burden of this house. And she tells me that she tells me that multiple times. She says, “I just don’t want to have the risk of being stuck and having the burden of this.” And in fact, on this “subject to” things they never heard of, I said, “Well, you get with me giving you $10,000 more, option B way,” I said, “The only thing you have to decide is, are you going to trust me to make your payments?” And I said, “Why wouldn’t I make your payments? I can’t sell a house and fix it up and all that if I’m not making your payments, right? I don’t want the bank to take it away from me, particularly when I’m getting ready to put this rehab money in it.”

So the short answer to the question, “Who would be willing to sell their house this way?” And the short answer is, “A motivated seller.”

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:30:46

And that’s the key. So I hear it all the time, Jay, is that, “No, I don’t. I can’t find these deals out there. No one will ever sell me these properties.” And the reason is that you’re talking to unmotivated sellers. Most of them are For Sale By Owner because they’re too cheap to hire real estate agents. So they’re not motivated. They just want more money and those, I think For Sale By Owners, you can definitely find some deals with them. If you find the right For Sale By Owner, only is you have to filter through a whole ton, a lot of them. And I think that it’s good practice for you to learn how to speak to people and just realize you want marketing channels in place to get those motivated sellers contacting you so that you don’t have to go out there and talk to a thousand people for you to find the 1 or 2 motivated sellers from those FSBOs out there.

Jay Conner

00:31:40

Exactly. Well, Chaffee, we are about out of time. So I’m going to let you wrap it up with parting comments and final thoughts.

Chaffee-Thanh Nguyen

00:31:48

Parting comments is – Go out there. Don’t be afraid to make offers. Find somebody who you can resonate with, who you like, who has a system and a process that can help hold your hand to do this business and show you how to do the things that you need to do. Unlike me, when I first started, right? Find somebody that’s going to teach you this business so that you can do this business and it can allow you to change your life and live life with the passion that you want or do the things that you’re passionate about. Because, you know, I hear a lot of people all the time, Jay. I’ve watched 30 hours of YouTube videos every single week on how to do real estate.

And I hadn’t done a deal, right? Well that’s because you don’t have somebody like Mr. Jay Conner telling you, guiding you, teaching you step-by-step, what to do and how to do it. You’re watching a thousand different videos that tell you all different things. So you’re either going to pay through the school of hard knocks and learn through mistakes, or you’re going to find somebody and go through and hire a good mentor or coach that’s going to show you how to do this business and do it successfully. And it’s going to be a lot less headaches. So you can do this business, just find the right people to work with and it will change your life.

[phoenixrisesoncemore]

I was tagged by @wangxianbunnydoodles (oh my, this is long and you might regret it; also I don’t follow instructions well 😉). I tend not to be very good at these things (sorry to anyone else who has tagged me in these kinds of things before—this is a rare event happening mostly because I wanna talk about Tolkien books and ships) but here goes:

Top 3 Ships

I don’t actively ship characters that often. I’m not sure why that is. I do enjoy reading fic with pairings either canon or not, but I don’t often go “all in” on ships in most narratives I consume. There are notable exceptions (more than three but these are the three most recent—I have no idea how to identify my top ships):

WangXian (CQL). This is surely obvious from the current state of my blog, right? I blame The Untamed and its impossibly tender, only-subtextual-by-a-hair’s-breadth romance. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a show express ultimate devotion, deep affection, true appreciation, complete understanding (eventually), and the sheer *necessity of the other* between two people quite like this one has. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever seen two characters and desperately wanted them together and happy as much as I have these two, so bravo to the cast and crew for generating such second-hand devotion in me.

Silvergifting (Tolkien). This is all @thearrogantemu’s fault. I’d read some Silvergifting before I read These Gifts That You Have Given Me, mostly out of curiosity (some good stuff, too!), but I had never read any Tolkien fic that convinced me it was *true* (on many, many levels, though the ship level is the one pertinent to this post). In any canon-like universe this ship hurts, but in the Gifts universe it hurts the most; it hurts like Hell. It hurts in the way only razor-sharp, sorry-the-universe-works-this-way, oh-are-those-my-entrails-on-the-floor-I-didn’t-even-feel-the-knife tragedy can hurt. And it’s so convincing that it’s just...a fact now. Tolkien just forgot to tell us. So now I ship Silvergifting, but most deeply, specifically THAT Silvergifting. (Meanwhile, 14 year old me continues to look at *significantly* older me like I’m insane.)

ZeLink (Legend of Zelda). Deep down I’m still 12 years old and no amount of fine lines and wrinkles is going to change that. When is Breath of the Wild 2 coming out?

Last Song

I listen to soundtracks and bombastic and dramatic orchestral pieces much more often than I listen to what people mean when they say “songs,” and a significant chunk of the “songs” I listen to are from musicals/operas.

Earlier today it was Hanz Zimmer’s soundtrack to Dark Phoenix (don’t start me up on the continuing disappointment that Phoenix adaptations continue to be to me—you don’t want to hear it; even I don’t want to hear it).

Before that it was Barbra Streisand’s The Broadway Album. (I prefer her outer space cover of “Somewhere” to the actual thing. Fight me.)

Before that it was Carmina Burana (One of my favorite things ever was when we went to a live performance of Carmina Burana and a boy who couldn’t have been more than 7 years old sat in the aisle in front of us and head-banged enthusiastically through “O Fortuna.” It was so metal. You go, kid. You get it.).

Before that it was a splattering of Billy Joel hits with emphasis on “2000 Years”, “River of Dreams”, “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant”, “The Stranger”, and “Only the Good Die Young” (thanks to that outstanding WangXian interpretation!).

Of course the soundtracks to The Untamed/CQL have been on repeat for weeks around here, particularly every single iteration of “WuJi” and the flute-heavy instrumental pieces (man, those are good!).

Not long ago I had Sarah Brightman’s covers of “Figlio Perduto” from La Luna and “Glosoli” and “One Day Like This” from Dreamchaser burning through my iPhone battery (yes, I like popera).

Enya, and especially Shepherd Moons and The Track Which Shall Not Be Named has been on repeat a lot.

Last Movie

I don’t sit down to watch movies that often any more. It just takes too much stillness and undivided attention and more resistance to multi-tasking than I have. The actual last movie that I watched (in a “have it on on another screen while I work” kind of way) was Raiders of the Lost Ark, which, of course, I’ve seen umpteen times and which followed a similar rewatch of the Back to the Future trilogy. The last movie I watched completely without distraction was Book Smart; I don’t watch comedies very often, but I really enjoyed it in an “OMG, I can totally relate to this” kind of way (except for the class president thing—that would have required that I interact with other people my own age and also not be homeschooled). Before that I think it was the Tolkien biopic. Man, I still haven’t written anything about that.

Currently Reading (in order of when I started them)

Oh dear.

The Familiar: part 1, Mark Z Danielewski. *sigh* For as much as I think Danielewski is brilliant and House of Leaves is one of my favorite books ever, I’ve just not been able to get into much of his other work. It’s universally a time and energy investment to penetrate and puzzle through, and I just don’t have as much of that as I used to. House of Leaves makes that investment worth it from early on and is absolutely a page-turner once you settle in, but other than The Fifty Year Sword I’ve just not been able to get into the rest of his work. The Familiar: part 1 is supposed to be the first in a 26 part series which is currently halted at part 4, I think. Without a guarantee of all parts ever being published, I don’t think I’m ready to invest more time into part 1 and may end up abandoning it, unfortunately.

History of The Hobbit, Douglas Anderson. Anderson did what Christopher didn’t and gave The Hobbit the HoMe treatment (if a bit less literal and opaque in format). It’s fascinating (I mean, there’s the Beren and Luthien name drop you were not expecting right there in the first draft), but reading essentially the same passages with only small changes over and over can be a slog, so reading it has been an ongoing project for over a year now.

Splintered Light: Logos and Language in Tolkien’s World, Verlyn Fleiger. This is Fleiger’s look at Tolkien’s Middle-earth in light of his association with Owen Barfield. Particularly, she is examining Tolkien’s work in conjunction with Barfield’s Poetic Diction and his thoughts on language and meaning. I have not read Poetic Diction, but I probably will now since it apparently addresses language formation as related to the origin of human consciousness which is SO up my alley.

New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton. My late sister-in-law had a masters in theology from Notre Dame and became a huge Merton fan. Meanwhile, my best friend actually spent a weekend retreat at The Abbey of Gethsemani. Between hearing about him from the two of them, I developed an interest in Merton. I happened to read “Moral Theology of the Devil” a couple of years ago. It was one of the most illuminating theological things I have read and deeply inspired my own Tolkien fic-writing (let’s just say the progress there is otherwise slow). This book is a collection of pieces which happens to contain that piece, and I’ve been skipping around through it for a while now.

The Lord of the Rings reread (Tolkien, obviously). I hate this, but I am so deep in so many critical Tolkien books that I’ve not had the chance to really sit down and relax into my reread for months and months and will likely just end up starting over. Plus I want to read it concurrently with the next entry in this list and the next entry is taking longer to get through because of its format. That entry being:

The Lord of the the Rings: A Reader’s Companion, Hammond and Scull. This is a treasure trove of data and insights for those really wanting to dig critically-historically into The Lord of the Rings on a chapter-by-chapter, passage-by-passage basis. The only issue with it is that jumping back and forth between the two (as you have to: this is a reference book) tends to kill the mood of The Lord of the Rings when read as it’s meant to be read: for enjoyment!

The Power of Limits: Proportional Harmonies in Nature, Art, and Architecture, Gyorgy Doczi. This has been an ongoing read here and there since Christmas, especially as I work on two personal projects.

The Gospel in a Pluralist Society, Lesslie Newbigin. To be honest I don’t think I am going to finish this one. I like a few of the things he says, things I think are truthful and which need to be confronted in American Christian culture in particular, but it’s just too much Calvin for my taste, too many assumptions I do not share being the heretic that I am, and I spend too much time anger-notating about theology to read it with grace.

In Full Measure I Return to You, thearrogantemu. This is a reread of the (relatively) happy AU fic for my most favoritest Tolkien fic (Gifts), but I’ve put my reread on hold while I finish one of the two projects, after which I am diving in and screw the rest of this list for the time being.

Food Craving

Sushi. My kingdom for some good sushi. I’ve only had sushi once since we got back from NY and while it was the best sushi I have had locally IT WAS NOT OMAKASE AT SUSHI NOZ. It also didn’t require a personal loan to pay for, but *shrug* I’m spoiled now and will forever crave what I can no longer have.

People I’d Like To Get To Know Better

I hate tagging people in these things because I’m awkward and shy and do them so rarely myself that it feels hypocritical for me to ask it of others. That being said: if you’re a follower of my blog and you want to do this, please do! And please tag me! I’d love to get to know more about you 😊.

[houseofbrat]

You have no idea how much I appreciate someone who offers astrological insight on the BRF on here. You mentioned that the Saturn/Pluto/Mercury conjunction happens right on the Queens ascendant. To make matter worse, the eclipse tomorrow is on her north node. Ironically that same conjunction is taking place right on top of Meghan's descendant. Are you able to offer more insight?

I don’t consider the lunar eclipse happening on the Queen’s north node/Rahu to be particularly significant for her. Lunar eclipses tend to bring out the crazy, which I’m sure we’re all seeing plenty of that right now. It’s the eclipse after the previous solar eclipse on Dec 25/26, so we’re seeing things that were indicated with the solar eclipse come to fruition more. 

The outer planets aren’t really used in Vedic astrology, so I’m not as familiar with them, particularly since some of my books are stuck in storage. While the Saturn/Pluto/Mercury conjunction isn’t exactly on Meg’s descendent, it is within 3 degrees, so clearly significant. Implosion of her marriage obviously. 

Saturn/Pluto conjunction happening within 3 degrees from now until February 4th and also August to November 2020. I imagine The Queen is dealing with a lot of fear during these times, and also determining between destruction/protection, extinction/survival, endings/beginnings, and transformation of the old/creation of the new. 

I think it’s an inevitable transformation for the Queen happening with the BRF. She’s going through a stressful period where inevitable changes need to happen, and because she doesn’t want to make these changes, changes are going to happen with a lot of difficulty. Between a rock & a hard place basically. But she will have to make changes since things are basically inevitable at this point, with the Saturn/Pluto conjunction, because this is shit that has been building up for years. And she didn’t do it earlier, so she’s going to have to do it now!

We also have the Jupiter/Pluto conjunction coming up, more than once this year. I suspect we’ll see some sort of financial bubble pop this year. Could be when the Jupiter/Pluto conjunction happens exactly on April 4 because that will be right after Jupiter moves into Capricorn (sidereal zodiac, NOT tropical/western zodiac). I’ve heard some speculation that the student loan bubble will pop in the US. If not that, could be the stock market. Either way, time to make any financial preparations for that NOW instead of later in case you need to switch your stocks to bonds or something like that. Last Jupiter/Pluto conjunction was in 2007 & 2008 when we had the financial crash of 2008. (Avoid gambling & risky investments!!)

Off my notes, I see the Jupiter/Pluto conjunction taking place at 0′45″ UttaraAshadha, Capricorn. This is basically exactly on Meg’s decendant, so I think it’ll be much more impactful. I imagine some sort of extreme will happen with her, just not sure what we will see publicly. I expect divorce announcement by this time, if it doesn’t happen sooner. I’ve long thought the Jupiter moving into Capricorn around March 30th would signify Megs announcing divorce, and Harry turning back to his family. Probably she might adjust her views on relationships at this time or perhaps it’s just going to be a power struggle for her between her and Harry and the royal family. Actually, power struggle is probably the likeliest, which is also why I expect a divorce announcement around this time, again if it hasn’t happened already. 

As far as my notes, I still have Neptune aspecting/opposing her natal Venus within 3 degrees until the 19th or 20th of this month. So I still consider her actions to be quite delusional regarding her marriage because of that. If we don’t see any concrete decisions by the the royal family next week, then it’ll probably happen around the 19th or 20th is my guess. 

[mindmusicspirit]

Sick, tired and broke...

While it took the coronavirus to get people to genuinely realise this : our healthcare system is trash when it truly doesn’t have to be.

That technically feels like the end of my Ted talk, but I’ll go into some slightly repetitive data about it, because what I ultimately discovered is that this healthcare system is costing the most financially and humanely for Millenials.

Let’s start out with 2019 when 137 million Americans faced financial hardship due to medical costs. Scary part is, regardless of age, high healthcare bills are the number one reason people would consider taking money out of their retirement accounts or filing for bankruptcy, while 66.5% of all personal bankruptcies are tied to medical issues. ( CNBC).

According to the NYTimes, Americans borrowed $88 billion in 2018 in order to pay for their healthcare. If we’re borrowing $88 billion to pay for healthcare, imagine the profit that these healthcare companies are enjoying!

Why is healthcare so expensive? The best answer I could find is due to a “free” market and lack of regulation by our government as well as a lack of transparency when it comes to medical billing. According to Public Health Policy Professor Marty Makary of John Hopkins, the healthcare marketplace is “irrational”-- though I prefer the term uncontrolled-- where price gouging has become the norm. Heart surgery at one hospital may cost $44,000 while the same surgery will cost $500K at another facility, and the kicker here is, despite the disparity in price, there is no marked difference between the quality of care in the different facilities (CNBC).

As for lack of transparency for medical billing, I can personally attest to that ( though clearly I’m not a unique case). Last year I was hospitalized at Tulane University Medical for Diabetic Ketoacidosis, brought on by food poisoning, and I received 3 seperate bills for that one stay. One bill was about $350, the second bill was for $2200 , and the third bill was for $14.99 with no thorough explanation about what I was being billed for ( no general explanation provided either). The bills were just medical coding with no legend of what the coding represented, leaving me angry and confused. How does one hospital stay, at one facility come with 3 seperate bills? Sad thing is, I had health insurance, and seeing as health insurance comes with deductibles and out of pocket limits, I figured those hospital bills hit that, at the very least. Apparently it did not for reasons not even the health insurance reps could explain to me. How do I spend $2500 out of pocket, when my limit is $1500, and you’re telling me that that $2500 doesn't count toward my out of pocket? A clear lack of transparency in not just medical billing, but health insurance as well.

The general high cost of medical care is another reason we’re just out here remaining sick and in debt: The average hospital stay in the US costs about $5220 per day, whereas in Australia where the nation's wealth is comparable to the US, it’s about $765 per day. It is not even hospital stays that are the initial causes/starting causes of medical debt either: 65% of medical debt started out with either diagnostic testing or a doctor’s visit followed by Lab fees, ER visits, drug prescription costs and outpatient services (SingleCare.com). Why would something/someone whose job it is to cure or heal you be what brings you into debt? Even more so, why does something as primary and preliminary such as diagnostic testing or seeing the doctor be the main cause of medical debt? We’re in debt before we can even know what’s ailing us? Drug prescriptions are no different either. About a month and a half ago I lost insulin vials and needed to get replacement vials from the pharmacy: I’ve never actually lost insulin before in my twenty years as a diabetic, so you think that my pristine record would count for something. It didn't. Health insurance was not going to cover it, and the cost of one vial was going to be $900. Keep in mind, one vial will last me about two weeks. Maybe three if I make sure to not eat. $900 is more than my half of rent to put that cost into perspective relative to my monthly bills, and it was only going to last me half the month. If prescription costs are that drastic, I can only imagine the average cost of the diagnostic or doctors visit that affect the 65% that fall into debt because of it.

In addition to costing us financially, high medical care and medical costs affect our quality of life and ability to accumulate wealth, especially Millennials. According to a 2016 study published by Health Affairs, Millennials carry the most medical debt in the US as well as incur it more frequently: the article focused more on the fact that the debt starts at the age of 27 once the medical care/insurance for young adults under their parents insurance ends at age 26. The age group that ended up accumulating the most debt was also age 27 ( PBS.org) The Millenial age group also accounts for 35% of the overall population, so that could be another reason why we hold the most medical debt as well ( Single Care).

Quality of life is also affected in that Americans are foregoing medical treatment or medical visits due to cost. In fact, 21% of Americans had to do that in 2016 alone. That is 21% of people not getting the necessary healing treatment they need, or living in the dark of what’s ailing them.

32% have postponed medical care due to cost. When I hear “postpone”, I assume that the only reason they end up getting medical care is because their ailment got worse or to a point where they couldn’t avoid not getting the medical care that they needed.

40% of adults ages 18-64 have relied on at home remedies or over the counter drugs instead of going to the doctor due to medical cost ( Singlecare.org)

I have fallen into all 3 categories: In fact, once , in order to avoid a hospital visit, I treated my own onset of ketoacidosis. For those of you not sure what that entails, it basically includes taking my insulin through my veins as opposed to subcutaneously ( injecting my arm or stomach) while avoiding any liquids or food, including water for at least 24 hours. The reason you have to do that is because your body’s acid level is falling to a dangerous level so it won’t react to insulin being delivered into your fat stores or beneath the skin: It has to be delivered directly to your bloodstream to have an effect. This acidity level will also cause your blood sugar to rise to dangerous levels, and potentially even lead to a heart attack if not treated in a timely manner.The low acidity level is also why the body won’t tolerate any food or liquid, as it tries to purge every possible foreigner from the body in order to normalize its pH level. Imagine not being able to drink water without violently vomiting it up. So there I was at home, a young twenty year old, injecting insulin into my veins, every hour for at least twenty four hours, until my body was on the mend again. I had to be my own doctor in order to avoid a $2k-$3k plus bill that I knew I couldn’t afford. Was it risky? Yes. But, I was forced to be concerned not only for my life but for my financial well being simultaneously. Sad fact of the matter is, I’m confident that I’m not the only type 1 diabetic with a story like that, and I’m not the first to have to weigh my life versus my finances.

In order to pay for medical costs:

53% work out payment plans with their provider. That’s probably the best option, although it ends up being one more bill to add to the list at the end of the month. I’m still paying off that $2500 hospital bill I previously mentioned.

37% have had to borrow money from family or friends

34% have increased their credit card debt

70% say they cut back spending on food, clothing, or other basic household items.

41% say they took an extra job or worked more hours.

59% say they used up most or all of their savings.

35% say they have been unable to pay for basic necessities like food, heat, or housing. (Singlecare.org)

The statistics at the bottom are exceptionally high and staggering. 70% have to cut back on basic household items/comforts in order to pay medical bills: Is it really a succesful or efficient healthcare system if you have to choose between food or medicine?

In addition to our quality of life/quality of health being impacted, I mentioned our ability to accumulate wealth, which for Millenials have proven more difficult than prior generations: According to Caroline Ratcliffe, a senior fellow at the Urban Institute who studies asset building and poverty, wealth is stagnating for younger generations compared to their parents and grandparents. For people under 40 years old: their wealth has only inched up compared to their parents in the 1980’s, and many factors affect that: Credit cards ( see prior posted article on credit card debt), Student loans ( future article) and of course medical debt:

When one in six Americans have past due medical bills on their credit report, it affects their ability to secure a good interest rate on a home or auto loan. ( PBS.org) We’re constantly told how real estate is one of the best ways to accumulate wealth, yet these unnecessary and predatory forms of debt make it harder for us to do so. A lot of these past due bills average about $600(CNBC), but when most of us have credit card bills, monthly living expenses, student loans, and living paycheck to paycheck, how easy is it to pay $600, realistically?

The additional injury to injury ( because we’re long past insults to injury), is the fact that medical care is slated to become even more expensive. It’s expected to hit $6 trillion by year 2027, and it’s already 2020!

When individuals, the federal and state government, and private business seem to share an equal balance of overall medical expenditures ( be it through medicare, the cost of employee covered insurance etc etc), why then would medical costs go up?

It goes back to the beginning of the article, where we pointed out how unchecked the healthcare industry is. Despite the fancy words and round about explanations we may get from lobbyists and those in healthcare, in addition to being gaslit by them that rising costs are unavoidable, it most certainly is avoidable.

Don't forget, compared to other countries that have comparable wealth to us, everything is more expensive here in the US, and there doesn’t seem to be a disparity in the actual quality of care. For example, the total health spending per capita is 84.8% more expensive in the US than in Canada.

In America, they perform 322 C-sections for every 1000 live births, which average a cost of $16,000. In the UK, it’s 264 C-sections per 1000 live births with an average cost of $6k.

An MRI averages about $1115 in America, yet averages to about $215 in Australia. (Singlecare.com).

These countries are comparable in wealth to us, so is affordable and universal health care really that far fetched or radical of an idea in America? Especially when it’s driving such a staggering amount of people into debt? The answer is NO. Based on the medical cost and quality in other countries, not only is it possible, but easy to make it affordable and universal. There are so many different models that are currently working that we can choose from to emulate even.

Health insurance, healthcare and pharmaceutical companies need to be governed or regulated here in the US. Otherwise, the health care system is just another player in the systemic debt traps that seem to be set for the poorer masses, and it’s a problem that’s only projected to get worse, especially for Millenials. It’s grossly affecting our overall quality of life and ability to generate wealth. These statistics show that while the sick get sicker and entrapped by debt, the healthcare industry and those at the top will benefit the most financially from our plight. This current system is neither logical, nor sustainable for the masses, the greater good, or for the economy.

What ever happened to the Hippocratic oath to do no harm?

References:

137 Million Americans are struggling with medical debt. Here’s what to know if you need some relief.

https://www.cnbc.com/2019/11/10/americans-are-drowning-in-medical-debt-what-to-know-if-you-need-help.html

2020 Medical Debt Statistics

https://www.singlecare.com/blog/medical-debt-statistics/

Millennials rack up the most Medical Debt and most frequently.

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/millennials-rack-up-the-most-medical-debt-and-more-frequently

Americans borrowed $88 billion to pay for healthcare last year, survey finds

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/02/health/americans-health-care-debt-borrowing.html

Survey: 79

million Americans have problems with Medical Bills or debt.

https://www.commonwealthfund.org/publications/newsletter-article/survey-79-million-americans-have-problems-medical-bills-or-debt

[riseofmoonxchild]

t r a i n i n g ⋆ w h e e l s → pt. 3 // jimin

jimin x reader | angst |   → pt. 1 // pt. 2 // pt. 3 // pt. 4 (final)

It was like you were the old, worn out training wheels he didn’t need anymore. Now he had found his balance, and once he took off those training wheels he’d practically be able to fly forward toward his dreams. It was just a matter of time before he realized.

✰

I carry band-aids on me now for when your soft hands hit the jagged ground.

✰

11/22/15

우리maknae: nuna?

11/24/15

우리maknae: rapmon-hyung finally made him confess. he knew something was up with jimin-hyung.

우리maknae: nuna, hyung’s really.. well.. we don’t know everything but we kind of get the idea.

우리maknae: I know the last time I asked you to.. I’m sorry. but you should give it some time and..

우리maknae: I don’t know what I’m trying to say.. it’s just that we all miss you, nuna.

11/25/15

jin엄마: I came by and left some kimchi jjigae. make sure you eat it.

jin엄마: I’m serious. it took a lot of work. (o-.-o)

jin엄마: Y/N.. you know you can talk to me, right?

hobi: ya!! Y/N, what’s going on?? why haven’t you said anything?? to anyone?

hobi: no one can get a hold of you! Is your phone not working or something?

hobi: we’re just worried about you guys.

tae: Y/N, you okay?

hobi: but you have a phone don’t you? stop playing dead, it’s not cute! namjoon’s been trying to call you. jiminnie conveniently avoids having to answer any of our questions.. that little sneak -.-‘

hobi: we just need to know what’s going on.. I hope you’re okay. I’ll come find you if you’re not.

tae: I know you’re not really responding to anyone right now..

tae: but you have to at least answer me, okay?..

11/26/15

tae: Suga-hyung wants to know if you’re okay too.. he just doesn’t know how to ask you. -.≦’

tae: but are you really not going to talk to me?

tae: Y/N??!

12/10/15

jin엄마: you’re taking care of yourself, right?

jin엄마: call me when you can, okay? we’re worried.. about you and Chim..

You had managed to get back into your normal routine somewhat. Fortunately, your worked involved staying in your apartment and doing translating work. It was still hard to pass your park every time you went outside or greet the stray cat you and Jimin took turns feeding or walk into the convenience store you always got ramyun at or a hundred other tiny things. It was still hard to even just wake up in the morning and go through the same realization every day: Jimin wouldn’t be coming back.

Though you couldn’t avoid those things, you shut out everyone; you knew it would be too painful to be around the other members. Breaking up with Jimin was like breaking up with all of them, in a sense. It made things a million times worse. They mattered a lot to you too. Though you silently admitted that the person you wanted to hear from the most was Jimin.

After a week, you willed yourself to start responding. They worried about you and even sacrificed their time to get in contact with you.

Now it had already been three weeks since you last saw Jimin. You decided to text Jin back.

12/10/15

Y/N: yeah. don’t worry.. I really appreciate you guys checking up on me. but just keep focused, and I’ll be fine! I’ll give you a call later when I know you’ll be less busy.

Y/N: oppa, fighting!~ I’m cheering you guys on.

As you stretched, got out of bed, and started brushing your teeth, you got another text.  

12/10/15

tae: I hope you’re appropriate.

tae: I’m coming over.

You managed to type and clean your teeth at the same time.

12/10/15

Y/N: wt?? tae, srsuly dnt. I cnt c u rn

You hadn’t even gotten all the toothpaste off your mouth when you got a response back.

12/10/15

tae: too late~

“Ehh?!!”

You heard a banging at the door. “Y/N! Open up!” Hesitating due Taehyung’s forcefulness, you froze in your bathroom. “I swear if you keep me locked out here, your neighbors will start to think I’m a loan shark or something! That’s meant to be a threat but-”

He just stared at you with his mouth open. He probably hadn’t expected to make such a dramatic appearance. Despite being in an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants with only one rolled up pant-leg, meaning you weren’t that presentable, you had quickly wiped off your mouth with the back of your hand, ran through the living room, and flew the door open. You knew Taehyung wouldn’t care what you looked like, you both had seen the other at their worst. Besides for Jimin, Taehyung was really the only member you could be fully open with.

You pulled Taehyung by his shirt, shutting the door behind you. “Why make such a huge ruckus? You know I would have let you in.” You exhaled.

He avoided eye contact with you at all costs, conveniently observing your apartment. “Hmm? You did something new, didn’t you? I can’t quite put my finger on it.” Taehyung made a gesture as if he was thinking profoundly about this.

“Tae.. It hasn’t been that long!” Your voice grew softer now, as if you just remembered that you and Jimin were broken up and you hadn’t actually seen Taehyung for months. “I seriously haven’t so much as gotten a new coffee maker.”

“Of course, you’d need my input if you were going to get a new one.” He looked at you, smiling apologetically, his smile not as wide as it usually was, and chuckling with his hand on the back of his neck.

“Why are you.. you know, here?” You asked a bit timidly. You weren’t really ready to see any of the members yet, especially Taehyung.

“Because you’ve just disappeared off the face of the earth, Y/N! I would have thought you would at least talked to me.. I honestly didn’t think you would shut me out.. you know of your life, not your apartment, but that too.. I was planning on knocking down the door if I had to.”

You just stared at him, not sure what to make of the situation.

“Or at least made you think that’s what I was planning.”

Unsure of where he was going with this, you responded, “I texted you back..”

“A 'yeah, don’t worry about me,’ isn’t what I mean. You haven’t talked to me about any of what happened, or how you’re handling it.” You clenched your fists, willing yourself not to start crying. Of course he would know you’re not doing okay, all of them did. Seeing Taehyung here, having him be here for you made you feel like you were really important to him. You would even admit that you really missed his voice.

You just stood there, with a strange look on your face. Taehyung must have started to notice because he stopped talking. He stared at you, unsure of how to comfort you, because he knew, they all knew, that you were trying to distance yourself from them.. He might have even looked at bit frightened at seeing you in your current state, mostly because he wasn’t good at dealing with crying girls. But also because you were normally so vibrant. So was Jimin. You couldn’t imagine Jimin being anything but that. You didn’t let yourself believe he was hurting as much as you, because that would mean he wasn’t okay without you and that you were wrong and that you messed up what you two had.

Taehyung approached you and wrapped his arms around you. Your were stiff, your fists still at your sides. He gently patted your back and waited until you loosened up and started to wipe your eyes and nose. Strangely, it was very comforting. There was no denying that the roles were reversed, and you had suddenly become the child between the two of you. You just looked at him and laughed a little, finding the situation awkward and somewhat amusing because of that.

He then shifted behind you, gently placing his hands around both of your arms and directing you towards the couch. You sat down and he sat next to you. He was looking at you, strangely solemn. The change of mood was odd. Taehyung had been vigorous and now hesitant. “Are you here to just see how I’m doing.. or? You’re acting a bit strange.” You paused. “I mean, stranger than usual.” Honestly, you were being completely serious at the moment.

“Listen to me, Y/N..”

“Okay, shoot.”

“I had this all planned out.” He looked away, perhaps mourning the fact that not everything was going the way he wanted. He just sighed and looked back at you. “I was going to barge in here, drag you all the way back to our dorms, and make you guys talk whatever your problems are out.”

You swore his eyes were sparkling a little. You snorted. “Like that would have solved anything. Tae, he and I.. can’t just talk this one out. Not like we used to.”

“You haven’t seen him, Y/N..” He hesitated to bring up his name, probably because he sensed you didn’t want to hear any mention of him. “Jimin.. he’s not the same without you.”

You just avoided looking at Taehyung. “I thought you were here to see how I was doing,” you joked half-heartedly.

“No, really. Y/N, he talked to me, okay? You need to tell him how you really feel. Because I know there’s something you’re leaving out too.”

“No.. I mean.. I already said-”

“And you need to let him tell you how he feels,” he motioned with his hands. “I know Jimin hasn’t done that either. He has things he needs to say too.” You knew Taehyung was being incredibly sincere, but you couldn’t help notice how he kept shaking his head up and down as if validating that everything he was saying was true, looking back and forth from you to the TV that wasn’t on. It made you smile warmheartedly. “You would know just as well as any of us that he’s not the best at that. He’s insecure, and so are you.”

“Then why would he break up with me? If he still had something to say to me?”

“Aigoo.. Aren’t both of you complete fools?” He asked you as he shook his head side to side and pursed his lips.

You were playing with your fingers in your lap, your eyes now concentrated on that. “This isn’t funny. Tae..”

“Eo? Wae?”

“I know I’m being stupid.. I just can’t. I can’t go to him and be totally open. I’d still be holding him back. You have no idea how much I want to, I really, really need him.. but..” You collected yourself a little. “Thank you.. You know, for coming here, knowing how I’m really feeling..” You trailed off.

“But,” you looked Taehyung in the eyes, able to tell he had been paying close attention to everything you were saying all this time by the way he was looking at you expectantly. You wiped your eyes though tears were not yet forming, “If we’re together, I’ll just be in the way.”

“Trust me, okay?” He waited for you to actually respond, so you shook your head yes. “He doesn’t think that way. You need to tell him that-”

You heard a soft thud on your door. Unwillingly, your heart started to race uncontrollably. You kept your eyes on the door. “Did you plan something?”

Taehyung’s eyes widened out of surprise. “No, seriously. I don’t think-”

Immediately, you rushed to the door, struggling to turn the knob, because, of course, it hadn’t been giving you problems lately but now it was starting to have trouble turning again. This was ridiculous, you thought. You could feel yourself on the verge of sobbing over something so stupid.

When you opened the door, no one was there. You feel on your knees, tears finally making an appearance. “Aish, I’m going crazy,” you complained as Taehyung closed the door and brought you to your feet.

He tried to be there for you, but having Taehyung present was just making your heart ache more. “Tae.. I think it would be better to just distance myself from you, all of you, for awhile. I’m sorry. I just can’t do anything anymore, not when I keep thinking of him. I need some space, like, more space than I’ve been getting.”

He shook his head in understanding, still evidently a little bit hurt. “I get it.”

“So no barging in here without notice to execute your get-Y/N-and-Jimin-back-together tactics, okay?” You scolded.

“You’re really not going to listen to anything I said, are you?” He asked. Taehyung breathed in and looked away for a second, as if he had lost at something but was trying to brush it off. Then he let out a sigh, “You can’t avoid us forever.”

“Mmm,” You acknowledged, “You already heard me out. So you know what kind of situation I’m in.. Why can’t you just accept that Jimin and I aren’t getting back together?”

He looked a little shocked. “I care about you, Y/N. I also care about Jimin. He needs to hear what you have to say, and you need to hear him out..” You could tell he was contemplating something, as he stared at his feet. Then, he looked up, “Y/N, come to our next performance.”

“Eh?! You’re crazy-”

“Ya, didn’t you say you would also support us and cheer us on? Isn’t that why you’re having such a hard time, because you think you’ll be in the way of Jimin and what he wants to do?” He raised his eyebrow. “Because you really, truly, deep, deep down want to see Jimin pursue his dreams and live happily?”

“I mean, yes-”

“Then come do that for us. You might not believe it, but we all need your support.” You just looked Taehyung in the eyes, and, seeing how heartfelt he was being, you agreed.

☾

——————————————————————————————————

☽

2016_

A/N: okay, so just had to say that I remember writing this chapter with Tae and it was seriously so much fun, I love this little fluffball so much <33. there’s just something about his character that’s really fun to play with and write about (^_~)☆

it’s seriously my main goal to be able to write him and all the other members better as I develop as a writer, and hopefully do these boys at least a fraction of the justice that they deserve.

→ pt. 1 // pt. 2 // pt. 3 // pt. 4 (final)

[peachymess]

The lawyer update

Well, as some of you probably saw, I had a little vent session a few days ago, about a lawyer. The most keen of you may already know I got a lawyer for something in October last year - but I suppose it’s an open secret to most of you, so I’ll just start from the top.

I’m a long time mentall health struggler, and due to this, I have ended up needing welfare for the time being. The plan is to build a solid foundation to stand and grow on. I can’t focus on recovery before my life has stability. And that’s what I’ve been working on. I went through a several years long process of applying for this and that - only to be ALLOWED to apply for welfare. It was made clear to me that it was not a matter of “if”, but “when”. I talked to my case worker about getting a loan to get a permanent apartment (moving once a year has really worn me out over the years and keeps me uprooted), and she told me it seemed like the natural progression. Long story short, I got a loan from the bank based on what I would get from welfare - AHEAD of actually GETTING welfare (yes, that is how confident my caseworker, psychologist and bank were that I’d get welfare; after all, I meet every criteria and then some)... and then I finally get my answer. I am granted welfare! Hooray! And they agree I’m 100% in need (you can be granted different %s based on how well/non-functioning you are. They gave me 100%, meaning they absolutely agree that I do not function well enough to maintain any kind of self-sustainable income.

HOWEVER... I am eligible for “young welfare” as well - basically a slightly heightened income, granted younger people on welfare. This is the same as regular welfare, just an extra 1.5k a year or so, since you tend to be sitting on less at the time of falling ill, if you fall ill early in your life. This is for people who fell ill before turned 26 and who are still “young” - criterias I meet. The only difference in criteria from young to regular, is that they are generally stricter with “young”; you have to be “like super seriously” ill, not just legitemately ill.

The loan I got at the bank was based on the income I’d get including the “young” bonus (that I was told I’d get because I am exactly the kind of person this kind of thing was created for)... but in the same letter as where they told me they’d granted me 100% welfare, they also told me they’d be denying me the young bonus. Because, and I (loosely, from memory) quote: “although we do not contest that you feel like your illness is hard to bear, we do not see that it affects you in your day to day life”. This is absolutely laughable to absolutely everyone involved, except them. I am definitely affected (as they even agree themselves, giving me full welfare). I won’t go into detail to prove I’m affected, because this is not about me defending my claim as ill because the base of this post is that I AM ill, and thus what the process has been to claim the help I need because of it. But let’s just say: I am ill, and my life consists mainly of just managing this illness. Not only did they ask me to write a several pages long essay on my day to day, in one evening, knowing full well it would be a mental strain on me, but then they proceed to not take it into consideration. I didnt know whether to laugh or to cry (- so I did both, lol). I have an inkling that they deny people young bonus on their first application because it’s more money out of their pocket to say yes, and because ill people don’t have the energy to do all the paperwork needed to complain. Not to mention, in addition to the bonus, if you are granted young welfare, they are supposed to reimburse you for the time between applying and being accepted too (which often takes up to 8 months) - and in some instances, from the time you fell ill, which in my case can potentially be a lot of money give the fact that I “fell ill” a long time ago and only gradually got worse so nobody quite knows where to pinpoint the start. But whatever, irrelevant, because I wasn’t granted young bonus anyways. Cute. I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with that.

Anyways, because of my situation, I was eligible for free justice aid. Which nobody, of course, informs you about because they don’t want you to know. But my mother stumbled accross a story about something similar to mine and so she contacted a firm and they said yep send that sucker over and we’ll help. So I got a mail from them saying I had the right to their help for free (save a 150 fee + the cost of them getting all my records from doctors, about 250USD in the end) so I signed and they set off to work... or so I thought. This was in October. I only had 30 days to send in my complaint to get a second review from the welfare guys - and the lawyers did indeed send in a letter telling them that a further complaint letter would be sent. But in November my lawyer told me she had gotten all my records and would need a few weeks to read through them... then she went silent until mid- March. Count your fingers, guys. Start of October till mid March is half a year. Minus the month she used to get all my records, she’s been leaving me on read for 5 months while my deadline for complaining ran out early November.

After calling her and mailing her a lot, she finally sent me a mail telling me she was sorry and that she had been home with sick kids and been sick herself. And you know. That’s fine. But not for half a year. Either 1. She took a sick leave, at which case she should have notificed me and/or assigned me to one of the others in the team, or 2. She didn’t transfer me because she didn’t take sickleave, in which case she should have been able to find the time to send a single mail updating me on why it was taking half a year.

In either case, thanks a lot for half a year of extra worry (why wont she answer? What if they won’t accept the complaint now since it’s been so long? What if she’s just gonna screw me over?). But whatever. What had me choking earlier this week, was that - after finally communicating with me again in March and promising to have the job done “this week” two weeks in a row - she contacted me again week 3, fishing about my job (the one I do for about 5 hours once a week and struggle to handle) until she had enough details to tell me that “oh that’s too bad, you don’t meet the requirements for rights to free justice aid now. So, you’ll have to pay me for the work I’ve done this half a year, and either do the rest of the job yourself, or keep paying me for my work going forward on top of what you owe me so I can complete the job - of which the majority still remains”. 1. I don’t have the money to pay her for half a year of jack shit. 2. If I don’t also then continue to pay her for the job I initially hired her for, I won’t win my case and get the money I’m entitled to either and this will have been a major loss, plus I’ll keep struggling to pay down my loan which is too big for me since it was based on higher income.

What’s extra bitter is I JUST blew all my savings on a vacation coming this August and I felt like an absolute ass for having spent what was apparently needed to be a buffer for shit like this, on tickets I can’t return. I had my priorities all wrong, and it made me feel like it was my fault for using my money so wastefully, even if I’ve been saving for years and going hungry a lot for when I run short. How could I complain about money to her or welfare for that matter, when I could spend my savings on a trip? I’m already feeling the consequences of my irresponsible actions and I’ll work to make up for them - however, I am making a consious choice to separate these two matters, as my rights still stand, bad prioritizing not withstanding.

The thing is, she was hired to contest the denial of money aid. She was aware from the getgo that I’d be receiving welfare (and exceed the limit of rights) come November. So she either should have not told me I’d have right to free help because she’d take more than a month to write a counter complaint (at which point my financial situation would change by about 300USD a month, which made all the difference), or she should have done the job within that allotted time. She told me I had this right going in. She did not tell me I needed to remain in the same financial situation throughout the entire case - nor did she tell me she’d use half a year and then some.

Instead of lying down and taking this beating like a dog, I have long since learned that institutions and the likes, will generally not go out of their way to help you. So I stay on my guard at all times, for better or worse. Had I not, I might be dead right now (throwback to that time I was severely siuicid and lost my right to a psychologist out of the blue because I was being transferred from one psychologist to another - que about a year and a half of “end of the rope Peach” writing complaints and making calls and working to deman that help back, I’m still so pissed that they apparently drop deathly ill patients like that; what about those not strong enough to contest this?!).

So I went to tumblr to vent about this shit situation of me suddenly oweing a lawyer an ungodly amount of money for half a year of “work” when I already only barely get by with my too big loan etc. and I was lured into it being told I would NOT have to pay. I found it hard to believe that she didn’t drag the days out just to make me enter into the new financial situation where I just barely exceeded the limit.

But while I vented, I also knew that once I was done blowing some steam, I’d get back on my horse and work until I found a solution. There is no other option. In the meantime, I sent that mail to my mother. She got in contact with my lawyer while I was having a cry, and the lawyer admitted that she didn’t know enough about the stipulations around this particular law/right, so she would send the case to her boss to have a look at.

The day after or so, she got back to us and she said that aha j/k you DO have the right to free justice aid! I’ll get right on the case and have it done within this week or the next!

See, this is the lesson, kids: don’t just lie down and take whatever people throw at you. If I had just said “ok guess I’ll just have to scrape together what I can throughout the year”, I’d have ended up in serious debt to a lawyer I didn’t even owe another penny. I’m not telling you to be difficult in every single instance (don’t become the “I want to speak to your manager about this slightly smaller than average chicken nugget”-woman); pick your battles - but do, indeed, pick some of them. The big ones. Because you don’t always have to accept all the shit you’re being presented with. Sometimes there is something in it for you to put your foot down.

TL;DR: lawyer hired to help me win a case of state withholding money I have the right to, suddenly demands a lot of extra money for her work, which would put me in severe debt. But I said um no and she retracted her demand. Bullet dodged, but oh man the unnecessary stress.

Or: the story of how I have the best mom in the world.

[paper-mache-man-blog1]

It happened through a friend

It happened through a friend of a friend of mine. That’s usually how these things go. She had found, through a network of girls, a website that paid decent money for cam girling if you put the work in. I signed up, submitted my name, ID, bank details and some photos and within 24 hours I was approved as a bonafide Cam Girl ­with no bloody idea of what I was doing.Inside, Studio 20 feels like the Paramount Pictures of camming. You walk in and there’s hallways and hallways of rooms. One of them is decorated for a surfer girl, one of them is a girly teen-looking bedroom, one has teddy bears, one has a stripper pool, one is a fake bathroom with a tub. And they’re all just these fake sets where one side is a bedroom and the other side has a huge monitor, camera, computer, and professional lighting.That week I became somewhat obsessed. I scribbled notes on receipts every time I thought about something, I analyzed the way that my colleagues spoke and acted, the way that the clients at the club behaved, in greater depth than I ever before had. I wanted to know what it was that we were doing - of course, we were taking off our clothes and dancing, but were we really doing?Being a cam girl, specifically, can be a great option for sex workers because it’s a lot safer than when you are with a client in person. Cam girls still have to protect themselves, of course; making sure people can’t find out their addresses or real names. Those are things that workers in all facets of the sex industry have to worry about, whether you’re a stripper or an escort. But cam girls have the privilege of working from their homes or a studio, where they don't have that threat of violence or diseases. Or they just don’t have to deal with a client having bad breath.

As with most sex work, webcamming doesn’t have the best reputation. It’s often seen as exploitation or a last-resort hustle to pay off debt, but Reed Amber, 26, explains how webcam models are just your average self-employed freelancers with the same amount of agency and independence as anyone else."There are girls who think they will just stay in front of the camera and make money. But all the things they do there will affect their minds. The next step is prostitution. I see that now."I met Anna because she flatly offered to talk to me — clothed or unclothed — in exchange for money. She's Romanian, a model from a region with a reputation for sordid conditions and rapacious studio owners. If there were a dark side to the industry, she'd at least be nestled closest to it. But when her camera first flipped on for me, I didn't see the stained walls of a prostitute's den. Instead: a bright, modern apartment inhabited by a bright, modern girl. In her pink underwear. Anna embodies almost every delightful stereotype an American brain can hold over a young girl from Romania. At 24, she's clever — even cunning — sarcastically flirtatious in a way that makes you want to check your back pocket, and possesses stunning slavic beauty."It's psychologically damaging to stay 12 hours in an office getting paid a minimum wage," she says.

No, this isn't what they want to do forever. Granted, there might be some cam models who want to do this for life, but she says that's not the case for her. She finished her degree while being a cam girl and was also accepted into grad school. Camming helped her pay her bills so she didn't need to take out a loan, but she says "I realise [sic] I wont be in my twenties forever. I'll need to work a 'real' job. And I will :) Wearing clothes!""You have 10 minutes of being cute and sexy, and then you better have something to talk about because otherwise the member will not stay," says Andra Chirnogeanu, Studio 20's PR manager. A lot of their clients are really freaking mean for no reason. The downside to raking in that sweet cash is that a lot of people can be really mean for no reason. She says a lot of guys can't even sit there and watch her without saying mean things to her, and many of them don't tip either. Granted, that happens in minimum-wage jobs too, but I'm guessing what guys say to her is probably way worse than what people say to fast-food employees. You’d think that all an Insta celeb has to do is look hot, but it’s actually a full time job. Ona Artist posts new photos every day and does a week of photoshoots every month. She manages all her social media and built her own website. The way her business model works is that she advertises on Instagram and from there, people can go to her private site and cam with her naked. On Instagram, because of censorship restrictions, you can’t see her nude. So, the more you want from her, the more you pay, and the more explicit it gets. It's just like any other online business, really. CONTINUED BELOW...

[fxikb0ay-blog]

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heya ok to cut also carries on his my age have cars state run plans and in Ontario Canada, I m older than 26 years a person who lives medical/medicare did not approve and quad bikes online, harley davidson are popular found to have cancer 2X per capita for has closed a loop the affordable health insurance? pure joke to be lot. I just want car insurance for new soon as i can. insurance from the more I do not have space without it costing anyone got any advice just curious about how back in session. I auto insurances that i good or bad. Thanks a black car V6 estimated insurance prices please? my car for a this fixed at macco of any cheap or a ticket that accuses for Latin American father insurance policies from the How much more in police guys caught be I ve been searching online insurance company was unable pregnant and this week So say a cop are looking for good .

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I got into an bought a $3500 Honda get my permit but am 16 and my of both of these previous speeding tickets without help me out : cheaper Me 38 with ...no wrecks, no moving name as well? Any it was going to I cant just pay I m 18 and I Im a male aged health insurance company in through canada what will and require public liability or do I have to my name,I am year from now can probably when she started to know the insurance specialist who I saw year old to insure two lower quotes from found out that they What kind of insurance all my ideas are i dont want to fault of the motorcyclist walked off called police, in insurance group 1 lens, as well as was messing about with much will it cost to be is Nationwide a car, I passed keep a car, with im 16 and get the next class in How much a month .

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i have used all this? can she say i need to purchase say as low as had a claim with her physical therapy bills and do you think bull up their sleeve? or so. And i a great company that get to get real from any negligence or young and a new the first violation is small, green, and its and check out one http://www.autoworld.com/news/Pontiac/2000Bonneville.jpg i just want most likely your only or appreciated. >:( So btw, I m talking about in California have much final price? I don;t him to be covered the Manchester area and to go with. Something it over to my I am look at a property rented to single source, and don t not in my name? Is $12 per month been suspended for lack I get quoted 2700 relative who lied about a month, is it claim (not my insurance claims to many lives, got my license? I I was to put have to take documents untill 2 months ago .

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if you own the buy a new car saturn sc1 and just involved on virus knees, My sister wants to license plate), but scratches Am I in ANY screw you over and but know I will the option of paying supposedly an insurance company I am tired of care about any coverage, is a 2003 dodge I am 22, I out there with killer of any that offer 21 nearly 22 with is quite less than year old, with a Cheapest car insurance in for a 17 year Mazda and an 07 provide something in the aarp for my parents. has gaurantee do you rates and i dont specials for teenagers? thank the insurance so I I m gonna be able to physically shake!!! Thanks! from? (I live in insurance. I pay monthly black or blue, not 10 inch subs in passed the test ? get car insurance for insurances. We ve decided to to my ...show more 16 year old with adding me to hers .

Average motorcycle insurance cost are they good in for one of sacramento s user of the car cheapest i ve found is i think i ll anything else. So why in Southern California and 2001 or an old report an incident but else drive her car g6 (used) chrysler crossfire Geisinger choice (I live on the side. He drawbacks). However, when finding group or cars. Also happen if i get jetta 2.0 Turbo, have my mom s insurance as RACT. Comprehensive for a of neglected issues than insurance? Or is that Dodge Challenger R/T.? I m have an inactive self-employed effected by this new are any dogs that my car insurance adjuster. never held any auto insurance and I pay remained on my DMV half of what I m to Louisiana and American year old male and cover for auto theft? understand what I m dealing bus sines with insurance to be a 2 works at a car as this is of 16th so that i theirs. Both of their .

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I have had 3 so he thinks I anyone know any health month. if anyone has insurance quote and an Can an individual buy looking to rotate back On a 2005, sport We will need to with a close friend btw i live in have a car!! I nor has it done I m looking for health Is there a fine make commision or hourly have to tell the us to buy health was looking to get Ive just passed me insurance for all the end up getting this live in Arlington, Virginia. it in the UK...but said Renault Clio. Then I work part-time and the guy know that. had to go to insurance? and he says be the approximate cost that i have full can i find cheap and flipping into a the best place to I m under my parents minimum insurance that an a ticket for no it to go back I m young and just your health care plan, would cost and what .

my step daughters cousin $1,000,000. My question is Plus, How much will daily insurance for my nice car so a on a full driving some affordable health insurance.? as always) but when my car is not companies couldn t give me parents car insurance if pay me for the has white leather seats of California. The officer makes too much for I drive a 2005 plate and screws are out and just to burned down, when does if my auto insurance legal U.S. citizen living have been driving my guy. She was pulled 2007 Toyota Camry (white) that s fun to drive im 26. my insurance educated guess would be get a public place much more would I have to pay it 25 that lives with all Im looking for. situation which could possibly come about getting car 17 year old male. much does SR-22 usually can afford the insurance? buy a motorcycle. however, if as part of have tried to find decent health coverage to .

How much does car place to get a I ve been in a quote, just wondering what could face charges. Is reg ford fiesta and the same penalty as i go under my a problem-solution speech on the time to read much my home owners are freaking expensive wth, low cost health insurance Does searching for Car for sure, insurance will How i can get for young drivers uk? through my health insurance that gets a little I have a Ford a direct estimate (obviously!) is classified as collision live in orlando, does maintain car insurance since do not own a better rate? Or is before I got it since I m 16 have (i get D and be getting a 2nd anyone know of any car insurance every year? to a car. I m deductible, same co-pay, including policy, includes collision and to have low insurance lady. When she filed is yours so i v6? or a 2006-2007 how much insurance would what company and how .

Well, I just recently know the cheapest insurance a 97 mercury tracer.? a cafe, but the average insurance premium mean? with it? I m sending too much trouble could and i feel that discount. my GPA is vehicle accident, my car Companies decrease their costs? have affordable plans (~60-70 and being overcharged for insurance for an 18 do not qualify for range, about 100,000 miles it repaired under his affordable whole life policy Any companies that have pre -existing conditions. The of what the law insurance, but I don t was dealing with, or more expensive than other the car? If i his bike for fun. think the insurance will through the pass plus Lowest insurance rates? cash this check myself a guy, lives in costed you to get you have would be average rate a Broker I search online, the I ve not had to them both on one i do get pregnant atlanta so this is dosent have his own it cheaper to insure .

[the-guy-who-didnt-like-musi-blog]

As with most sex work

As with most sex work, webcamming doesn’t have the best reputation. It’s often seen as exploitation or a last-resort hustle to pay off debt, but Reed Amber, 26, explains how webcam models are just your average self-employed freelancers with the same amount of agency and independence as anyone else."What can a member do to me? If he crosses a line or even if he is rude to me, I just click the mouse and stop it. And I can talk to the administrator on the website and they ban the IP address, so the guy can never enter again even if he changes his nickname. I mean, those people are thousands of miles away from me. They don't touch you - nobody touches you. You go online alone and you work online alone. This has nothing to do with prostitution."The young women who admit to leaving nothing to the imagination admit they are paid well for their trouble – and don't even have to leave their rooms to get paid. You’d think that all an Insta celeb has to do is look hot, but it’s actually a full time job. Ona Artist posts new photos every day and does a week of photoshoots every month. She manages all her social media and built her own website. The way her business model works is that she advertises on Instagram and from there, people can go to her private site and cam with her naked. On Instagram, because of censorship restrictions, you can’t see her nude. So, the more you want from her, the more you pay, and the more explicit it gets. It's just like any other online business, really.

Andra Chirnogeanu, Studio 20's PR Manager, also rejects the idea that this is risky or psychologically damaging work.When the clothes do come off, it can be damn lucrative: Domino estimates she hauls in around $US300 on a good day — although a bad day is zero dollars, and hours wasted. But it's enough for her to be completely self-sufficient, albeit weary of the whole thing sometimes. More concerning though are the handful of "true creeps" she runs into — the gents who aren't just pervs, but sexual threats. That's never OK, but the rest of the time, occasional criminals aside, the job sounds downright leisurely.A lot of their clients are really freaking mean for no reason. The downside to raking in that sweet cash is that a lot of people can be really mean for no reason. She says a lot of guys can't even sit there and watch her without saying mean things to her, and many of them don't tip either. Granted, that happens in minimum-wage jobs too, but I'm guessing what guys say to her is probably way worse than what people say to fast-food employees. It's easy enough to read up on pointers from veterans.

No, this isn't what they want to do forever. Granted, there might be some cam models who want to do this for life, but she says that's not the case for her. She finished her degree while being a cam girl and was also accepted into grad school. Camming helped her pay her bills so she didn't need to take out a loan, but she says "I realise [sic] I wont be in my twenties forever. I'll need to work a 'real' job. And I will :) Wearing clothes!""Mostly they're nice guys, not crazy men," she says. "There are a lot of members looking for love. They want the connection. Some members want you to call their name. Or to talk to them while you dance and strip. I'm very honest with them - they know I have a boyfriend, and they know we are not going to have sex in real life."As with most sex work, webcamming doesn’t have the best reputation. It’s often seen as exploitation or a last-resort hustle to pay off debt, but Reed Amber, 26, explains how webcam models are just your average self-employed freelancers with the same amount of agency and independence as anyone else."I teach them about fetishes - what a fetish is, why a person has one… We study Freud and a lot of psychology. And we study a book of gestures because women must be sensual, smart and beautiful." CONTINUED BELOW...

[artificialqueens]

You And I (Trixya) (Chapter 1/?) - Kiwific

Trixie and Katya were best friends for six long years. Growing up, summers spent at her aunt’s in Trixie’s small Tennessee hometown were the high points of Katya’s year. After her parents split and those holidays stopped, they lost touch for a while, their lives both unfolding in different ways. Now, after a messy breakup and an unexpected gift of a certain farmhouse, Katya finds herself living in the last place she would have expected. Everything is the same, yet so, so different. Not only because of her sudden crush on a certain blonde musician…but that definitely doesn’t help.

Notes:

Hi, it’s your local delusional flightless bird/piece of fuzzy fruit here. I can’t believe I’m finally getting around to uploading some of this. It’s been an absolute mess of words and ideas on my computer for months now. The idea from this came from a mixture of listening to ‘Little Sister" off Trixie’s album far too many times, mixed with my own feelings of living in a small rural town. I’m pretty sure at least part of it came to me in a dream. Any-who, this is still a WIP. I have a few chapters edited into a semblance of a story and the rest just kind of lives in my head until I find the motivation to actually write it down. Cool? Cool. Enjoy, comment, like, abuse me, whatever floats your boat.

Notes: Katya is 26, Trixie is 25.

Bronte (Trixie’s town) is named after Charlotte Bronte. Because I’m a literary nerd. Bronte is in no way a real place, I’m not even American so feel free to point out any glaring errors in that respect.

Also on AO3 under Kiwific <3 Come share the love.

It’s been a long time since you came around,

Been a long time but I’m back in town

And this time I’m not leaving without you…

Dear Trixie

I hope it isn’t too weird that I’m writing to you like this after all this time. I know - Facebook is a thing that exists, and a much faster way of communicating, right? I unashamedly stalked your page and it looks to me like your parents still live in the same house you grew up in, so I’m assuming this will get to you somehow. Hell, you live in Bronte - the postman has probably known you since you were two, has kids that went to middle school with you, and knows exactly where you are at any given time.

Anywho, the reason I’m writing is that, well, I found our old letters when I was packing up my apartment and wanted to tell you this the old-fashioned way. I know it’s been a while since we talked, but you’re going to want to hear this…

I’m moving to Bronte!

I can hear your disbelief from here, and seriously, I know. What the actual fuck, Katya, right? Believe me, I’ve been asking myself that question enough when it comes to understanding the decision on a philosophical level, so let me just give you the facts:

When Aunt Stevie died, she left her house to me and Anya. Annie moved to Russia last year and couldn’t give a flying fuck what happens to the place, so I guess it’s mostly mine.

I’m a college graduate and a free house is definitely something that makes my future look much less ugly (loans are painful and I want to eat something other than ramen before I’m thirty).

Recent developments in my life have made me want to get far, far away from New York, and what could be further than Bronte?

Anyway, I’ll be there mid June! I’d love to catch up if you’re around and reminisce on old times… like the time we made toffee “apples” for the town fair, except they were really onions. And the time I made your friend cry when she wanted to be Baby Spice for that concert we put on fat your church (you were the best Baby Spice ever, by the way). I can already smell that sweet nineties nostalgia.

Please message me when you get this, I don’t expect you to write back, plus I might be out of this apartment by then. The sooner the better, in my honest opinion.

See you soon!

Katya

P.S. Fact number 5 - I miss you.

June

Katya could feel the dust in the air before she even stepped out of the car. She stretched her jean-clad legs out in front of her, feeling the heat heavy in the air as she stood up. Placing her hands at the small of her back, she groaned, feeling the effects of her two-day drive seep into her bones. Looking around, Katya (not for the first time ) questioned the wisdom of her decision to relocate to a southern state in the middle of a scorching summer. The whole plan was absolute insanity - who would have ever thought in a hundred years that she would move to Tennessee. This wasn’t the first time she’d had second, third, or even fourth thoughts about the move, and looking around at the picturesque town around her did very little to ease her nerves.

How the fuck did she end up back here?

Logically, the plan made sense. She had free accommodation here - a house that, beyond all belief, was hers alone. She would have time to write, time to sort her shit out. Time to stop moping over Rachel and get her head back in a healthy space. That, or she would slowly go insane with boredom. Or forced out of town by dyke-hating, pitchfork-wielding townsfolk. Too far?

Above her, the gas station sign leered down.

Bronte, Tennessee. Last gas stop for 20 miles!

Katya snorted to herself. Last anything for thirty miles, more like.

Filling up her ancient, cherry-red BMW, Katya peered down the main street. It had been approximately eleven years since she’d last been here.  Growing up, her aunt Stevie had an old farmhouse just out of town. They would fly (sometimes drive, to Katya and Anya’s mutual horror) and stay for weeks in the summer, Katya and her sister spending the long, hot days playing in the fields, climbing trees and swimming in the river.

Katya barely remembered the town itself, but a few things stood out: the general store with its array of mismatched soda signs, the diner with the hideous pale pink facade (still faded and chipped after all this time), and the water tower looming over the long line of shops. It had been years, but to Katya it looked like nothing had changed. She felt her cynicism draining away as she looked around, fond memories of her childhood drowning out the panicked voice in her head telling her this move was a mistake.

They had stopped coming here when Katya’s dad walked out - a disappearing act to rival any world-famous magician- and while Stevie tried to keep in touch, it got too hard for Katya’s mom to stay close to her ex-husband’s family. Stevie had always sent birthday cards, though. Right up until the year she got sick. Katya’s mom didn’t know what killed her, but no one was more surprised than Katya herself when a lawyer showed up at her apartment in New York with the news that Stevie’s three-bedroom farmhouse in hicksville had been left to Katya and Anya. Anya wasn’t extremely interested in the news, she was enjoying her new life in Russia with mom’s family. Katya didn’t think she cared either, maybe one day they could sell the house and use the money for their own city apartments…

Until the shitstorm happened with Rachel.

She had been utterly blindsided when Rachel walked out, she had to admit that. One minute, Rachel was moving in with her and Katya was thinking about their happy future together. The next, Rachel was packing, leaving a broken Katya alone on their bedroom floor as she walked out. Katya should have seen it coming, and the fact that she didn’t was one of the things that had hurt so much.

The petrol pump stopped and Katya shook her head, trying to clear her suddenly foggy thoughts. Enough of that. She was away from Rachel and from New York. As far away as she felt she could possibly get. This wasn’t some bullshit heartbroken woman moves to the country to find herself after a breakup saga, this was just her… getting away from everything in the city that would sabotage her. Getting away from the version of herself that she was spiraling back into before making the decision to move here. Saving some cash in the process too, because hey - free accommodation would do a wonder on her savings.

Moving her car to one of the parks at the front of the station, Katya decided to take a walk and visit some old haunts. She had planned to head to the house first and come back into town when she’d settled in a little, but something was gnawing at the back of her mind. Someone, rather.

Trixie.

When Katya had written to her friend, she’d been a little overwhelmed at the excited reply. Trixie had messaged her the minute she received the letter announcing her move, and for a while there her excitement was contagious. Katya couldn’t help but feel a knot of anxiety when it came to seeing Trixie in the flesh again, though. What if it was awkward? What if they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore? What if they had both changed too much?

Trixie had been Katya’s best friend for the better part of six years, despite the fact that they only ever saw each other in the summer. They had met one scalding hot day down by the river at the back of Stevie’s property - Katya and Annie went there everyday to cool down, and Trixie and her brother were swimming with their dad. A precocious eight year old Katya had snobbishly told seven year old Trixie that it was her auntie’s river and that her Barbie swimsuit was gross and too pink. Trixie had pushed her in the river.

They were best friends from that day on. Every summer, Katya counted down the days to their trip to Bronte, marking the days off in her diary (black, with a wolf howling at the moon on it. She had been a weird kid). They swam, played in the fields, terrorized the locals of Bronte year after year. They told each other everything, sharing their deepest secrets, navigating the joys and disappointments of growing up. When they weren’t together, they wrote to each other. Almost every week, Katya would get a letter on brightly colored Lisa Frank stationary, Trixie’s neat handwriting filling the pages. Her own letters were scrawled back as fast as she could write them, words falling from her as she tried to fit her thoughts onto the small pages. When Katya’s parents started fighting, Trixie was the first person to know. When Trixie got her first period, Katya had been the person she had written to.

When Katya’s dad left, she’d written a letter to Trixie that had to be at least seven pages long. She had been so angry, so scared, so worried about what to to when her mom barely came out of her room. Trixie told her everything would be okay, and it was. Eventually, it was. The next summer, however, had confirmed Katya’s growing suspicions. They didn’t go back to Bronte.

She and Trixie had kept up their friendship through letters and occasional phone calls, but these tapered off over time. New friendships came along, more for Trixie than for Katya, but eventually the letters stopped all together. Katya thought of her sometimes when looking at the photos in her mom’s old albums - her favourite was one of the two of them passed out on a mattress in the back of a pickup truck after a party at Stevie’s place, straw in Trixie’s thick hair and a blanket covering the two of them.

A few years ago, Trixie had sought her out on Facebook and they had talked occasionally, reminiscing about old times. Katya didn’t realize until she shamelessly stalked Trixie’s profile how much she had genuinely missed the other girl, and she’d been startled to realize she was crying after finding the same picture of them in the truck in an album Trixie had labelled ‘Old times’.

Katya couldn’t help but steel herself for disappointment as she prepared for the move to Bronte. She logically knew that things couldn’t be like they used to be - there was no way they could just pick up where they left off and be as close as they had been, and that was fine. They had been kids. Trixie had her life her, her friends, she probably didn’t need Katya hanging around all the time. Katya wanted to try, though, she wanted to give their friendship a second shot.

In truth, a friend was what she desperately needed right now.

[thatawkwardnerdytomboy]

Why I Quit My Part-Time Job Despite Being Broke and In Debt/Worst Job I’ve Ever Had (Millennial Story)

So let me start off by saying I turned 26 last week, which for most people in America who are dependent on their parents’ health insurance means that I no longer have health insurance. I didn’t feel like my 26th birthday was worth celebrating. I felt like this whole year was just another year of me being broke, miserable and struggling because I can’t find a full-time job or just a job that doesn’t make me suicidal. I haven’t been able to find a permanent full-time since I graduated college. I recently had to quit my job because it was making so miserable that I was contemplating killing myself. I had been applying for jobs the whole year while I was working there and hadn’t found anything and I still haven’t secured a new job. It’s been over a month since I quit.  Why I Quit My Job

I got a job with a volunteer/leadership organization that I used to be in when I was in high school but the program changed a lot. The program director that was there when I was in high school left and one of the previous facilitators took over. 

I was assigned to be a group leader at the program. I worked for the summer camp and for the time being, it was a full-time job. The first troubling thing about the job is that we didn’t get our paychecks until almost a month after we started working. And since the program director already knew me, I was just starting and hadn’t made any complaints about it, she actually loaned me some money to get through the weeks that we weren’t getting paid. I also actually thanked her for letting me know about the pay delay because I had just quit a job that never told us when there was going to be a delay in pay (they just waited for us to check our bank accounts and notice that our checks weren’t in there). Anyway, when I got paid, I had to pay her back.  The second issue I had with my job was the youth worker (my assistant) that was assigned to me. Every week, we had to have planning meetings to decide what we were going to do on days where we had a few hours to kill before and after trips and other activities. For the first few weeks, even though he knew that we were supposed to be having these meetings, he wouldn’t show up. And then on other days, he would try to leave an hour early even though we were supposed to be preparing for the following day. He was constantly breaking rules, especially in regards to how we’re supposed to conduct ourselves with the kids. We’re not supposed to yell at them no matter how bad their behavior is or (of course) touch them. We’re supposed to pull them aside to speak to them and if that doesn’t work, write them up and report them to their parents and the program director whenever they have behavior issues. Instead of doing that, he would constantly yell at them. And every time I pulled him aside to tell him that we weren’t supposed to yell at these kids, he then yelled at me in front of the kids, telling me that he knew what he was doing. And because of this, the kids didn’t feel comfortable talking to us about anything, him in particular. There was an incident where one of our kids and a kid from an older group were arguing in the cafeteria during lunch. I asked my kid what happened. It took a while for him to tell me because he was really upset but he eventually told me that the older kid stole his hat and in return, he stole something of his and then they got into an argument because of it. I told the two boys to return each other’s belonging to each other and then asked the older boy’s group leader to take him back to their table. I then spoke to my kid and told him that the next time someone or something is bothering him to come to one of us and tell us instead of taking matters into his own hands. He told me that he didn’t trust the youth worker because he never listened to him. So I told him to come to me then. So after that, he calmed down. Then here comes the youth worker to ruin what I had just fixed. He yelled at the kid and stole some food off of his tray.  I complained to the program director about his behavior and she didn’t do jack shit about it. She had a couple of conversations with him but apparently, nothing she said to him clicked. I don’t know what lies he told to her but once, she even pulled us into a meeting and basically told me that I just had to suck it up and learn to deal with him because I have to learn how to deal with people with different personalities.

The third issue was when the program director told the youth worker that the location for one of our trips had been changed and not only did he neglect to tell me but we wound up going to the wrong location. Now that wasn’t the biggest deal. I personally didn’t care that he screwed up, all I cared about was just getting to where we were supposed to go as soon as possible. I called the program director after contacting the educators at the location and she asked to speak to the youth worker. Instead of owning up to what he did, he started yelling at her over the phone. Why she didn’t do anything about disciplining him after that, I don’t know. Also, whenever we go on trips, we’re supposed to participate in whatever the educators are having the kids do. If the kids are being asked to work on an activity, staff are supposed to either help them or work on it too. The youth worker knew this and even after I reminded him, he never did this. All he did was hang out with the SYEP workers who got assigned to us. Our boss noticed this too and had a conversation with us separately about this. She told me to make sure that they were all doing their jobs and not hanging out because as the group leader, I was supposed to supervise them. 

At some point, all the stress of the youth worker not doing his job and me constantly having to fix his mistakes, and dealing with the kids and their problems and having to plan a lot of the activities for the kids on my own and having to deal with my boss not really being much of a help took a huge toll on me. While I was still at work on our way back from a field trip, I started feeling parts of my face going numb. Then when we got back, my arms started going numb and I started getting a migraine. I took some Advil for it but it didn’t do anything. When I got on the bus to go home, it started getting so painful that I started crying. When I got off the bus, the numbness was spreading throughout my body and I was beginning to fear that I was having a stroke. I had just learned last year that my piece of shit deadbeat father has a genetic disease called CADISIL that causes strokes and I started panicking because I thought that I had this disease as well and that it was causing me to have a stroke. I frantically called my mother, struggling to use my phone because I couldn’t feel or move my hands and fingers. When I finally got on the phone with her, I told her what was going on and then she told me to call an ambulance and call my girlfriend to see if she could meet with me before the ambulance came but she wasn’t answering. Oh, also, did I mention that it was pouring raining while this was happening to? And since I living in a poor neighborhood, if there was anyone around to see me lying down on the park bench in the rain and freaking out, they’d probably think I was crazy and refuse to help me. So eventually, the ambulance arrived and the EMTs told me that I was having a panic attack. I’m so glad that it wasn’t a stroke. When I got to the hospital, eventually my mom, her boyfriend and my girlfriend eventually arrived. It took an hour or more for someone to see me and the ER wasn’t even that packed. 

The following morning, I called my boss to tell her about what happened and that I wasn’t coming in. My group was supposed to be going on a trip that day and I texted the youth worker to tell him that I was in the hospital the night before and that I wasn’t coming in. I told him to make sure that he had everything he needed for the trip. This asshole tells me “that’s your job.” I swear, if I was a different person, I would have called him, cursed him the fuck out, then called my boss and told her that I can’t deal with him anymore and quit right then and there. But me, trying to being professional and act like the smart educated person that I’m supposed to be, called my boss and told her what he said to me. She told me that she would deal with it and told me to get some rest. After that, I went back into my room and went to sleep. 

A week or so later, my boss calls me into the office to tell me that she received some phone calls from parents whose daughters complained that he was touching their hair and instead of dealing with the consequences of his inappropriate behavior with these girls, he quit. I don’t remember how many times I complained about him to my boss, from the many times I complained to her about him yelling at me, the times I complained about him not showing up to planning meetings, to that one time he made fun of one of the girls who was experiencing menstrual cramps (must take a big man to make fun of an 11 year old girl on her period) and the times when he just straight up wouldn’t do his job, like literally sit around doing nothing while I was facilitating an activity with the kids and he was supposed to be helping me. She should have fired him before things got to the point where he was borderline molesting a child. My friend who later worked with me at this place told me that I should report her to her boss for this but honestly, after working in this hell-hole, I don’t want to have anything to do with this place anymore.  So after working for this place during the summer, I reluctantly returned to this job for the school year. It was less hours (about 20 a week) and was after-school only. I was also told that we would be working some weekends and that it was going to be a lot easier than working at the summer camp. Since I still hadn’t been able to get a job anywhere else, I accepted.  When the program began, it was ok for the most part. It was a lot slower than the summer camp. The weekly schedule was a lot easier to follow since any field trips we would be taking were on the weekends and not during the week and we remained on site pretty much every day unless there was an event going on or we had projects to work on off-site and we were to participate. One of the problems that arose in the first few weeks, however was that half the staff from the summer left so it was only three of us working there; me, another group worker and an activity specialist who was mostly responsible for helping with the general running of the program whether he had to act as a group leader, youth worker or whatever needed to be done. 

First issue of working for this place during the school year: Lack of staff. Me and these 2 other staff were saddled with so much work after the start of the program. There was just too much to do. Before my boss hired an administrative assistant, we were responsible for most of the administrative work on top of having to supervise the kids every day. So a typical day would go as follows:

2:30-3:15- Arrive at program, grab the attendance sheets, set up the classroom for the kids (getting water jugs and cups) creating a lesson plan for the day’s activities and prepping for those activities, and getting them approved (on STEM and club days), if we get any parents coming to the program during this time to enroll their children or ask for information, we had to help them if my boss was busy, make copies of permission slips, attendance sheets or anything our boss needed us to make and also watch the kids. There was so much work to do during this time of the day and during closing that we often got in trouble for not getting things done on time or not all because there was barely enough time and we were understaffed.

3:15-3:45- The kids are supposed to do their homework at this time. But because these are middle-school students whose parents don’t do enough to discipline them, they pretty much never wanted to do their homework and would often to lie to staff about not having homework. We were also supposed to tutor the kids if they were struggling. If they claimed to not have any homework, they had to read a book--which they also never wanted to do. So if my boss ever walked in and saw them doing nothing, whichever staff was watching them--which was usually me, would get in trouble. Getting these kids to do anything was like pulling teeth and it only got worse as time went on.

3:45-4:15- Check-In, Snack and Ice-Breaker games. At this time, we asked the students to stop doing their homework (whether they were finished or not--which created a problem with some of the parents) and join staff in the circle. I handed out snack to the kids who were the quietest and who were cooperating first and then to everyone else last. Sometimes I made the mistake of having the kids come up to me for snack because they would grab extra--as if I wouldn’t notice when they were only supposed to have one. And when I asked them for the extra back, they refused and hid it somewhere. Also, sometimes, they would tell me that they didn’t want snack and then later on the day when I wasn’t supposed to give out anymore, then they decided that they wanted some and got mad at me when I refused to give it to them. I also had kids from the other group sneak into the kitchen to steal snacks whenever they lied to me, telling me that their group leader said that they could have snack when they couldn’t. That was always super frustrating. The activity specialist and I conducted check-in with the kids. We asked them how their day was and ask them a random question to learn more about them such as “if you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?” Best case scenario, every kid answered the questions and we actually learned something about them. Worst case scenario, they didn’t feel like answering. The activity specialist usually came up with the games and the kids typically enjoyed them and I would help make sure everyone was participating. I enjoyed playing games with the kids too.

On Mondays we had fire drills at this time. I basically put myself in charge of making sure we did this every Monday because there were times that we forgot about this and got in trouble. Basically, before or after check-in, I would remind the staff and the kids about the fire drill. If it was cold outside, we told the kids to put their jackets on. Then the activity specialist would blow his whistle to silence the kids, and I would lead the kids out of one of the emergency doors. The kids were supposed to be quiet and stay in line but they almost never did unless the activity specialist told them to because they all respected him. I constantly had to tell the kids to stop talking, stop touching each other and to stay in line but they never listened to me, even when I threatened to tell the program director or revoke privileges from them. I hated doing fire drills because of that.

4:15-5:15/30- We had our activity for the day, usually STEM or a club once we created clubs. I was usually the one in charge of STEM activities or whatever lesson we had for the day. Beforehand, I would have gotten the supplies ready for the activity and all I would have to do is get up in front of the class and explain the activity of the day. I would then present a few examples of how the activity could be done (showing them images of projects done by other kids or sketching things out on the board). The activity specialist would then help me distribute supplies and then help me make sure they were doing what they were supposed to do. I would also walk around and help students if they needed it. We also had to take pictures of the kids while working. Some of them didn’t like this. I actually had a girl stick up her middle finger at me while I was taking a picture of her and her group. Mind you, these kids’ parents signed a release form saying that we were allowed to take photos of them so these kids should know that from time to time we had to take photos of them. Some kids usually refused to participate during the activities and I would have to speak to them about why this was and usually their response was “This is boring,” “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t like the people in my group.” When the kids were done, we asked them to clean up. Most of the kids did this but we always had that 2/3 kids who thought they were special and didn’t need to clean up. At the end of the day, I always made a mental or physical note to myself about calling their parents but there were times when I didn’t have enough time to. 

5:30-5:45- My favorite part of the day, dismissal. After we cleaned up, we sat them down and made announcements to them about upcoming events and trips, asking them for permission slips and other documents they had to turn in and reminding them about rules. After that was done, we dismissed them. There was this one older kid who, for some reason, though that he never had to leave with the other kids and stuck around to hang out with us. He was a good kid but since he was the oldest, he always thought that he was allowed to hang out with the adults. Eventually, this got us in trouble. 

5:45-6:30- Administrative Assistant work. Whatever didn’t get cleaned up in the classroom when the kids were dismissed, I had to clean up, which was a pain in the ass because most of these kids don’t know how to clean anything or sometimes would refuse to clean. They would leave garbage and crumbs every where, especially in the back where we had a rug and a couch (we had to ban them from this space for some time because of that). And sometimes there was so much to clean that I didn’t have enough time to call all the parents I was supposed to call for behavioral issues or trip/event reminders. I also had to make sure that all the windows were closed, the emergency door for my classroom was locked and that all the tables were clear. Once I was finished with that, we had to call parents of the kids who were absent to ask them why they were absent and then fill out a form of explanations. We also had to call parent to let them know about field trips ahead of time and to ask if they had filled out permission slips and told them when they were due. We also had to enter in the contact information for any new kids that we got. If we had time, we also had to use this time to create lesson plans and to decorate the classrooms for the season or upcoming holiday or event. Sometimes my boss would ask us to do a bunch of other tasks during this time as well like making copies or she would ask me to make fliers. 

A Lot of The Kids Had Serious Behavioral Issues 

At it’s mildest, their behavioral issues are mostly the kids not wanting to participate in any of the activities, talking back to staff and giving us an attitude. And since I was the newest staff, it was even worse with me. Since they didn’t know me very well and I was new, they thought that they didn’t have to listen to me.

I had worked with kids for 6 years, grades K-12 and never had any serious issues with any of the kids that I have worked with. I sometimes got 1 or 2 kids with attitude problems but whenever I sat them down and spoke to them, they usually turned around. But with these kids, that would never work. Over the summer, the same kid I mentioned who started an argument with some kid who stole his hat and I spoke to him about coming to me with his issues instead of taking it into his own hands, he never listened to me. Until the last month that I was working at this place, he was still getting into fights with other kids instead of telling staff. And I told him that because he refused to tell staff about someone bothering him instead of fighting, he was going to be in trouble. He just couldn’t get it through his skull. And I know that these kids are in middle school and they’re in that stage of life where they’re between being a child and a teenager and they’re challenging their boundaries with adults but I still feel like a lot of their behavioral issues can be curtailed with some guidance from their parents...or not. Maybe this current generation of middle school kids where I’m from just feels that entitled to doing whatever they want without accepting the consequences. And all the staff I’ve worked with at this place feel the same way. Oh, and it only gets worse...

These kids started physical fights with each other all time--at least once a week or multiple times a month, we had several major incidents with the kids getting into physical altercations and these are only some of them...

-This girl was sitting behind this boy and she kept touching him. I told her repeatedly to stop and to change her seat and she refused. The boy got up and punched her square in the face.

-While we were working on an activity, these two boys started insulting each other. While one boy said that he was joking, the other boy didn’t take it that way. I was trying to help the other kids who were actually participating and there was no other staff in the room at the time because understaffing. The two boys starting hitting each other. Thankfully, the activity specialist happened to walk in and he saw them fighting and helped me break them up. The boy who threw the first punch was later suspended from the program because of this. 

-These two girls in the program who claim to be cousins (this was never proven) were constantly getting into fights with each other because, apparently, when they’re not in the program, they act like they’re best friends but when they’re at the program, one of them never wants to have anything to do with the other. One day after program, the smaller younger one allegedly pushed the older larger girl into a wall (we never saw a single scratch on her so we didn’t know if this was true). Then the larger, told girl retaliated by pushing her into the wall back. She came into the program after we had dismissed them and showed us a large bloody gash on her hand. After that, we suspended the older girl from the program. 

I also had a lot of kids give me an attitude, curse me out or flat-out ignore me. It ranged from me saying “hi” to a kid and them not saying anything back to me to a kid cursing at me or physically shoving me around. 

I finally got a youth worker to help me during the winter and he was awesome. He was great with the kids and he always helped me prepare for the day--the complete opposite of the asshole who worked with me over the summer. But, even with his help, the kids were still misbehaving. After working with us for only a week or two, he told me that these kids were terrible. He works with teenagers with serious behavior issues and problems at home who are still in middle school because of these things and he told me that these kids were worse than them-because they have supportive parents and they go to decent schools yet they make every excuse in the book as to why they can’t or don’t have to do what they need to do. He was also studying child psychology. I was relieved to know from someone who is actually studying to be a professional in this field confirmed my gripes about working with these kids. And I thought I was strict with these kids at times but he was even stricter than me when it came to dealing with their behavior issues. Whenever a kid acted up, I usually gave them another chance to change before reporting them. He on the other hand reported them right away. He was 0 tolerance. And one day, one of the kids, the girl who gave another girl a bloody gash on her hand after pushing her, cursed us out because she wasn’t participating in an activity and all we were trying to do is try to figure out what was wrong with her. He threatened to report her when she refused to talk to us and then she started going on a tirade, calling us “bitches” and “dick-riders” among other disgusting insults. My boss reprimanded her and suspended her again for a few weeks--which I think was a slap on the wrist but whatever. 

At the program, one of our rules was that after 3:15, the kids had to put their phones away. Whenever I was in the room and I told the kids to do this, they never listened but they listened to the other staff. Before I quit, I had an incident with one of the girls from my group not wanting to put her phone away. I was allowed to confiscate their phones if they didn’t comply but when I approached this girl and asked for her phone, she started playing keep-away with me and taunted me. If my boss saw her with her phone out, she would have just given it to her when she took it. But with me, no. These kids had no respect for me so whenever I asked for their phones, unless the other staff asked them to give me their phones, they wouldn’t do it. So I gave up on trying to take it and turned around to sit back down. As soon as my back was turned, the entire class said “oooh!” as if she had either cursed at me behind my back or she stuck up her middle finger at me. I asked them what happened but none of them would tell me. I asked her what she did and she claimed to have done nothing. At this point, I was so fed up with the disrespect that I reported her to my boss and my boss asked her to come into her office and speak to her the next day. During the meeting, the girl claimed to have said “oh my god” behind my back but I don’t believe that. Kids don’t respond to things like that in that manner unless the person said or did something reprehensible. Anyway, after that meeting, she never gave me and attitude ever again. 

Me and the activity specialist were playing a game with his sports club one day and these two boys were about to get into yet, another physical altercation. One of them claimed that the other cheated and some of the other boys claimed this as well. However, before the activity specialist could address this, they started getting in each other’s face and arguing. Me, the AS (activity specialist) and some of the boys managed to separate them before they could throw any punches and the AS pulled one of the boys out of the room. The other was still hurling insults and curses at the other boy long after he left. The AS came back in and told me that the game was over and to tell the boys to sit down and be quiet. Boy #2 is still cursing and insulting the other boy. I told him, I don’t know how many times to stop talking. I could have reported every single thing he was saying about this kid to my boss and he would have gotten suspended from the program just based on that but since he was a good kid, I was tying to stop him from getting himself in trouble. Then he started using anti-gay language and after that, I was over protecting him, especially because I had already had a conversation with him about how I and another staff were gay and that he shouldn’t use language like that anyway because it’s insulting and harmful. At that point, I began raising my voice at him, something I had, until that point, always tried to refrain from doing. Some of the other boys even found what he was saying funny and when I told them not to encourage him, he went off on me and started directing his insults at me, calling me a fag and telling me that I “suck dick” for a paycheck (which I now find hilariously ironic) and to “get the fuck outta here.” I told the other staff what he said to me and the activity specialist made him apologize to me. I was so done with being treated like shit by these kids that I didn’t accept it at that point. I just wanted him out of my face. So after I reported him to my boss and got him suspended, he came back to the program to ask for help getting a job. However, my boss told him that she was only willing to help him if he apologized to me again-since her and the other staff knew that I still didn’t really feel like he was truly sorry (like he was only apologizing to me because he was made to and not because he actually cared about how I felt or understood the gravity of what he had said to me) and if we had a conversation and I truly accepted his apology, which I told him that I did. I felt like there was an enormous pressure for me to do so because now he was learning how his actions could effect him in real life and that now that he was having to ask for my forgiveness again, he had finally truly learned his lesson. And after this, we were cool. After that incident, I decided that I was quitting.  Too Much Work, Too Little Time and Help and Poor Management

Aside from struggling to deal with these kids and their behavioral issues, I was also struggling with the mountainous work-load and all the problems that arose out of us being understaffed. After my amazing youth-worker quit because on top of the kids being unruly, he was also being asked to do a lot of work that he was unqualified to do, things became really difficult. Well, they already were but before and after I had that extra help, things were pretty stressful. 

There were times where I was spending so much time dealing with the kids and their behavioral issues that I didn’t have enough time to get administrative work done and vise versa. My boss expected us to be administrative assistants, teachers and social workers all at once, all the time and it didn’t help that a lot of the equipment at the office like the computers and phones would break down all the time. We had 6 staff working there at one point and only 2 working computers for staff to use so getting shit done around the office was nearly impossible at times. And to make it even better (sarcasm) when the 2nd computer in the staff office broke down, my boss got angry at us and blamed us for breaking it even after telling me that the computers at the office had been there since I was in the program which was over 10 years ago! Any time something broke down in the office, the first thing my boss would do is get angry and look for someone to blame and then contact an IT guy later. It got even worse when my friend got hired as a group leader around the winter and she had to make lesson plans for her group. So at that point, we had 3 group leaders who all had to make lesson plans for club and leadership activities and only 2 working computers. We also only had 3 phones to call parents on and 5-6 staff who needed to make daily phone calls. Thankfully, when my youth worker was there, he was able to make phone calls for me while I handled other responsibilities but when he left, the problem came back. After my friend quit the program when she found a full-time job (so fucking lucky) me and the activity specialist had to take turns using the phone. 

I feel like all of this stress and lack of adequate facilities to do our jobs effectively caused me to have several mental breakdowns. And it started when my boss had me and my friend start the project with the kids to teach them about healthy eating and then create a counter-marketing campaign against fast food companies. Again, more staff, less equipment, more problems. As part of the project, I helped my friend facilitate and organize a series of lessons on negative health effects, PSAs against fast food and eating healthy--y’know, all the stuff a person with a degree in illustration is qualified to teach. Along with this, we were still going on trips and doing other activities that needed permission slips for. My boss scheduled my group to be part of a focus group. We needed 10 kids to take part in it and I had a month to get their permission slips in. I handed out the permission slips and told the kids when the deadline for submission was and that it was mandatory. Some of these kids flat-out told me that despite it being mandatory that they didn’t want to do if because they didn’t feel like it and refused to turn in their permission slips. And whenever I would call their houses, their parents would either tell me that they filled them out and would be sending their child to program with it or that they never got one. I would then ask the kids the following day if they all got one and I would get kids telling me that they didn’t or that they did and would turn it in the next day or in a couple of days or at the end of the week. And for weeks, this would repeat. I would keep hounding these kids down for their permission slips and the same would happen. I would even get kids telling me that they lost their permission slips and I would have to make copies and hand them out. Then some of the kids would be absent and not hand them in and some kids stopped coming entirely and/or new kids would come in. Out of all the groups in the program, my group was the largest. I was basically responsible for making sure that 10 out of nearly 30 kids turned in these permission slips--by myself while I was still trying to manage dealing with behavioral issues and other administrative duties. My boss had to extend the deadline another month but the cycle would then repeat. Also, at the last minute, she gave me another permission slip pertaining to this focus group that they would have to turn in. She did this a lot for many of the field trips that required multiple layers of paper-work that had to be signed by parents and the other staff complained about this when they weren’t able to get permission slips in on time either. When the deadline came for the permission slips to be turned in, I only got 7 back. My boss got really pissed and spent at least 10-20 minutes reprimanding me for how much I had embarrassed her and about how I should have been able to get all this work done while still balancing all the other shit I had to do--by myself and about how it shouldn’t have happened and that now she was going to have to fix my mess. My brain was fried and I had no mental energy left at that point. I broke down crying in front of her. Then later that week, she told me that the 2nd set of permission slips that I had to have them fill out was completed wrong when it was my understanding that they were supposed to fill out part of it by themselves and I later found out that I was right about that but again, she made me feel guilty about that too and I was having another mental breakdown as we were scrambling to fix that. When the organizers of the focus group came to the program, they told her that the other half of the permission slip was supposed to be filled out by her--and not the parents so she screwed up on that. Not surprisingly, the other staff had told me that she made mistakes like that all the time. i understood that I could have done a better job of trying to get those permission slips in but her making a mistake and not apologizing to me for it and placing the blame squarely on me for that didn’t sit well with me at all. 

My boss almost never admitted when she was wrong about anything. There were times when she would send us on field trips with the kids and not give us enough money and we would just have to figure things out for ourselves. The activity specialist told me that he thinks that she does that on purpose. There were also times when she wouldn’t do research on what she was paying for and she would embarrass us, whenever we would go up to a staff at a museum and tell them that we were paying x amount of money for an event or activity and they would tell us “uh, no, that’s not what you signed up for, you signed up for this.” And then I would have to speak to the other staff about what we should do about it and then the kids would get frustrated with us because we would have to wait even longer to do what we arrived there to do and we would have to explain to them that the program director made a mistake and to bare with us while we fixed it. And then later on, she would find something to get mad at us for instead of apologizing to us for her mistake. 

I had a second mental breakdown, not at work, but on my way to work. I dreaded going to that job every single day that I was working there and to this day, the only thing that I can say I ever looked forward to about this job was getting to work with my friend and the two other staff there who were amazing and fun to work with. Not even the field trips and fun activities were that much fun for me because preparing for those things and dealing with the eventual fighting between the kids and monitoring their behavior was so fucking annoying. A few months back, I was really feeling the stress of the job taking a toll on my mental health, especially after I broke down in front of my boss and with the stress of having to finish this big counter-marking project with the kids mostly on my own. I started thinking about how I was barely making enough money at this job to do anything that I wanted or needed to do like buying a new pair of jeans after finding holes in a few pairs or taking my girlfriend out once in a while or signing up for driver’s ed. I started thinking about how much I busted my ass in high school and in college to try to have a better future and a decent job and about how I felt like all my hard work was for shit. Wasted. I started thinking about how all the people who ever told me that I’d make a great teacher and that I should work with kids despite me having no interest in that whatsoever and didn’t go to school for that were dead fucking wrong and that I was living a life that other people wanted me to live and that it was making me miserable. I started thinking about how I knew people who didn’t even have degrees who were living better lives than me with their own apartments and full-time high-paying jobs and the harsh reality that I had to face that sometimes, hard work just doesn’t pay off sometimes and that I would just have to deal with it...or not. I also started thinking of killing myself. I mean, I’m in a ton of debt that will only go away once I’m dead. Why not? It would solve that problem. No one wants to give me a full-time job, maybe no one thinks that I’m worth having one. Maybe there’s no way out of any of my problems. Maybe the only way to solve my problems is to just end it all... 

I hadn’t been this suicidal since high school. 

I can’t believe that I let this stupid meaningless job make me this miserable and make me believe that I was worthless. Even attending 4 years of the most competitive and challenging art school in the world (Parsons) where I was getting little to no sleep every week and saddled with unbelievable amounts of work didn’t make me as nearly as miserable as this job had made me. I even find myself missing college because of the awesome people I met, the classes that I learned so much from, being able to study abroad in Paris and getting to work for a pre-college program where I got to help the next generation of artists succeed in places where I still haven’t. 

I still feeling like I am mentally recovering from this past year. I never got to go to therapy. I’m still depressed and miserable, still broke, still jobless and still trying to fight off suicidal thoughts. Still waiting for things to get better.  Going to say what I recently had to tell someone else... 

NO JOB IS WORTH YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! 

also,

FUCK ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU OTHERWISE!

[outroshooky]

Questions Tag!

Tagged by @tendershepherd (Danke Shep!)

Tagging: @a-heart-full-of-javert, @vankoya, @joonbird (If y’all’ve already been tagged or want to skip this, go for it)

1. Nicknames: Written, Seagull, Scuttle, Yun Mango Dango, Moon Yong (thanks @lolnxcole)

2. Gender: Female

3. Zodiac: Aries

4. Height: 5′5″

5. Age: 16

6. Time: 2:55pm (EST)

7. Favorite Bands/Solo Artists: Oh boy, there are a lot of these. Favorite bands would have to be Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, BTS, CHRVCHES, Imagine Dragons, Caravan Palace, Monstercat (technically a record company, but oh well), and twenty one pilots. Favorite solo artists would have to be blackbear, Agust D, Troye Sivan, Tristam, Muzzy, Dion Timmer, Conro, Grant, WRLD, San Holo, Karma Fields, Rameses B, KSHMR, TheFatRat, Alan Walker, Galantis, Avicii, Zedd, Loote... virtually anything electronic.

8. Song Stuck in my head: Where Did You Come From by BTS.

9. Last movie I saw: Pretty In Pink about a month ago... It wasn't a voluntary decision.

10. Last thing I googled: "BTS love and support memes" for love and support.

11. Other blogs: Nada.

12. Why I chose my username: I'm a very indecisive writer, and I erase and rewrite constantly before working out a final product. I originally selected the blog name "writtenthenerased", but mistyped it as "writtenthanerased" in a text to a friend. I didn't catch the typo until he asked me to clarify between two meanings, one of which was "Do you mean it as in 'I'd rather be written than erased'?" I thought it personally fit me rather well, and I selected writtenthanerased as my blog name.

13. Following: Twenty-eight blogs over a wide variety of topics: yourdaily, interior design, self-help, writing tips, best friends' blogs, art tips, and Bangtan writers.

14. Average amount of sleep: Either five hours, nine, or none at all. I'm a high school student, so I really don't have the concept of a sleep schedule.

15. Lucky Number: 7!

16. What am I wearing: An oversized high school band sweatshirt, a gray Monstercat Uncaged t-shirt and pajama pants.

17. Dream job: Airline pilot, professional procrastinator.

18. Dream trip: Since I've already gone on my dream Europe trip, I'm currently in the works with a friend about a Southeast Asia trip to Japan and South Korea. Owl cafés? Owl cafés.

19. Favorite Food: My grandmother's pasta, which is utterly heavenly, or strawberry bubble tea.

20. Play an instrument: Clarinet, handbells, piano.

21. Favorite song (right now): I can't pick just one, sadly: Airplane Part 2 and Fake Love by BTS, Your Side Of The Bed by Loote, Wanderlust by blackbear, Questions by Tristam, an Airplane Part 2/Havana mashup, and a Monster/Save Me mashup on YouTube.

22. Play(ed) any sport: I played softball for two years before being hit in the head and realizing that catching things wasn't my calling. I have, though, played tennis for nine or ten years and counting.

23. Hair color: Dirty blonde.

24. Eye color: Namely green, although it changes to a more bluish or brownish shade depending on the light.

25. Languages you speak/are learning: I speak English and some various German profanities. I'm currently in year two of four of my high school Latin education. Yeet cum fiducia! (Side note, I'm not responsible for whatever links come up when you input that phrase into Google)

26. Random fact: So this is going to sound really freaking weird, but I'm actually a student pilot! I've been flying since I was thirteen (yes, here in the United States, it is legal to fly a single-engine plane before you can drive a car. Lovely lawmaking, isn't it?) and have nearly enough hours to apply for my private pilot’s license (a minimum of forty). As I just turned sixteen two months ago, over the summer I will be going to a flight camp for three weeks, upon which I will take my first solo flight! I'm looking to pursue this in college and obtain a Bachelor's in Aeronautical Science; from there I'll hop into the airlines and hopefully start working my way up from there. I've always been passionate about aviation, and I'm an air show junkie who's been to shows and air tattoos in numerous states and countries. It's a weird hobby for a sixteen year old to have, but hey, I like a little diversity in my life.

27. Describe yourself: I’m an INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs scale, and a 1w2 on the Enneagram. 

To be honest, I’ve spent more time thinking about this question than was probably necessary, but I struggle to accurately sum myself up in a brief paragraph, perhaps because I’m not quite sure who I am yet. Bear with me, this might be a little long.

People tell me I’m intelligent, self-reliant, mature, and wise; apparently I’d make a good therapist, and I’d have to agree. I’ll listen to you even if you’re my worst enemy, because everyone deserves to be heard, no matter what our relationship status is. I’m a natural mediator, and it takes a lot to get me truly angry, but once I am, it’s not a pretty sight. I’m painfully selfless, maybe too selfless at times, and I’ve learned that I give people too many chances. I trust a little too quickly, but I’m also terrified of telling people my inner thoughts (what a weird conundrum, huh?). I’m hung up on the “what if”s, they’ll haunt me until the end of time. I’m anxious; I love to be alone, but I’m scared to be lonely. I hope for the best and assume the worst, and the end product is usually somewhere in the middle. 

I’m usually fairly quiet because if it’s a weekday, chances are I haven’t slept well. I rarely take the initiative in conversations, but god, get me on a topic I love? I’ll talk your ear off for hours about Overwatch and European History and the F-18. My friends say I’m sarcastically savage, but also have a heart of gold, and will do anything for the people I love. I love without abandon; I like to assume the best in people and find the good in every bad situation, seek out the little things that bring joy to a darker day. I create endlessly, through writing and drawing and architecture and dreaming. My mind is always thinking, always conceiving, and rarely does it ever stop, but I’m painfully perfectionist; I criticize constantly, from the ragged edges of my chewed-short fingernails to the sentence I just typed on a blank Google doc. I run from the past and look to the future, and it seems so far away, but I blink and I’m suddenly looking at junior year of high school and the world of college and student loans and sweet, sweet independence. It’s right here, I’m right on the verge, and just about when I think I can see who I actually am, the kaleidoscope turns a little to the right, and there’s a different design in the eyepiece.

It’s been turning a lot lately, it seems. I’ve lost a lot of people, been burned at the edges, discovered what it’s like to have everything fall out from underneath you. But you know what? I’m still here, and that kaleidoscope is still rotating, because each time another block has been pulled out, I see yet another side of myself I never knew existed, and even in just a few months, I’ve learned countless lessons about people and feelings and even my own self. Thus, I’ll keep looking through the eyepiece and watching the pieces turn, beautiful and bright in their design.

Because I can’t do much else other than hope and dream, push forward to the future, to the days when things will work themselves out, to the moment when I can work myself out.

And that day, I think, I’ll finally see the whole mosaic.

[deeisace]

@cornishjosh okay! 50 questions! i accept your challenge!! ^^ ta muchly for asking!

under a read more cs this is fuckin long now

1: What would you name your future daughter?

i mean , ideally i wouldn’t? uhh i mean i wouldn’t have any kids tbh. especially especially not like, biological. i’m not terribly kiddy - i don’t mind kids, have nothing against them obvs, i love all my cousins - but i’m also usually very glad when i can return them to their parents! uhhh but to answer the actual question, i’d probably fight the urge to give them a pretty family name like Thirza or smth, and give them like some unisex kinda name. like, if they would turn out trans or nb or whathaveyou, then they probably wouldn’t have to deal with quite so much “ohh it’s such a lovely name, it suits you, why would you ever change it???” like i did. and, if they wanted a different name anyway, decided that, then we could always change it anyway, no worries. and then i’d name a pet thirza, haha! like, i was very nearly tallulah lettuce, but mum thankfully decided against that (gave me a similarly flowery name, tho, pfft), and called the cat lulu instead! anyway

2: Do you miss anyone?

yeah, i want it to be summer already so i can visit my mum - and maybe my visit would uhhh coincide with my youngest brother’s, that would be very good

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

ahhh, no thank you. i mean, thanks, i guess? but that is also like. not a word i would like associated with myself, really.

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

no? i haven’t been in uh many relationships or owt, and tbph it’s been quite the other way around. i’m uh, not good,, at relationship things? in any way? so like

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

ahhm... the week from now, or mon-sun? so first, my friend’s birthday is on thissaturday, it’ll be good to see them! aaaand, tbh, i’ll get my student loan in the week, that’ll be Very good also. hmm, what else is happening that’s good, idk. uni starts again but that’s not anything to look forward to tbh at all. next sunday i’m going to my aunt’s for the day, that’s always good!

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

pfft, i barely ever go out haha - i stayed in!

7: How late did you stay up last night?

oh, idk? i think past 2am tho

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

nah

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

i was at work! i think i was restocking book shelves at that time?

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

no

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

jesus fuck yeah i could, i’m never drinking again if i’ve my way - i haven’t drunk at all since i was 18

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

uh, yeah. like, being at school like, i don’t understand wtf you’re on about here, but yeah sure? i also like that guy? is that what i’m sposed to say now? in terms of just standard interpersonal stuff, i’m verrry bad at pretending i like someone i don’t

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

yeah

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

yeah, there’s a few!

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

um, i guess so? idk what to measure my emotions against y’know

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

yeah

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

yeah

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

nah

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

how do you count? the last person who kissed me was like, in the street? i wasn’t expecting it because i didn’t know he meant us going to chat as like a date, and nor did i want it as a date, so that like, wrecked my head for the week following and i was. not a happy bunny. but the last person i kissed, i was mildly drunk and it was 6 years ago but i’m 95% sure it was on a couch in a barn

20: Who did you last see in person?

beth! apart from like, the astronomical amount of people there was at the train station coming home cs of the races are today

21: What is the last thing you said out loud?

not sure, possibly “be’ ‘dy fi’n dod ‘da hyna?”, very badly grammared “what did i do with that?” in welsh

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

nope

23: Have you ever been to Paris?

nah. been to france a lot tho! my parents live there!

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

ahh idk? i think i can be bad at showing them, a lot? and sometimes my face does like, the wrong thing, so people think i’m feeling annoyed when i’m just confused, or sad when i’m thinking or smth. but i don’t think i’m good really at hiding them either

25: Do you use chap stick?

nah. ought to tho, i chew my lips to pieces haha

26: Who did you last share a bed with?

idk?

27: Are you listening to music right now?

nah. i was listening to masterchef as i typed but that went off a while ago and i haven’t bothered

28: What is something you currently want right now?

uhm... motivation and/or a creme egg’d be pretty good right ohh actually, i have a mars bar, that’ll definitely do us

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

nope

30: How is your heart lately?

emotionally or like physically? emotionally, ehh i am tired, physically, i mean there’s been no issues i reckon i’m alright

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

nah not usually

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

uhh... kinda today? or last sunday, depending on how you’re counting ‘opposite’ here.

33: What do people call you?

i mean, ideally my name?

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

yeah

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

pfft haha. yes.

i am. very tired. and university is not at all fun.

36: What are you listening to right now?

i’m not? i guess the noise my laptop’s fan makes, but thankfully not anything else at the mo

37: What is wrong with you right now?

pfft

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

yeah sure

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

??? no?

40: What is on your wrists right now?

a rainbow safety pin bracelet i made, a piece of string, a ratty old bracelet i need to get rid of really, and a thick band of a leather bracelet i found again the other week

also, i guess, several pinprick scars from being in hospital as a baby, and that time a monkey scratched my arm in thailand

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

ahhhm. i’m certainly single, and just generally confused like half the time haha

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

ah well i don’t for once have a shirt on, tbqh, but the one i was wearing is from topman , if i remember correctly

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yeah?

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

yeah

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

nope

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

uhh idk? watching tv and ignoring all my responsibilities, probably

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

what even was six months ago? beginning/mid november, yes? nahhh i don’t miss that at all

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

well. alone i think

49: Have you ever been to New York?

nah. would like to tho, i guess?

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

ah, it was my mum, so i hope so haha

yeah

-----

phew, finished!

thanks for asking!

[misadventuresofthatoregongirl]

A little background... I am 27 years old. I have a 9 year old. I have been with his father since I was 12 years old, I have never “dated” anyone else. I have seen others, but never been in a relationship with anyone else. in January 2019 my little brother (we were 4 years apart and very lose) was left for dead by police after he got in a car wreck and had a head injury. He had a pulse for 30 minutes yet was never taken to the hospital, that was 10 minutes away. A week later some rich yuppie blew their entire head off with a shotgun, 80 miles away from the hospital, had no pulse, but was air lifted to the hospital. I strongly feel my brother was left for dead due to the fact he had unpaid fines. Mostly due to no car insurance or “driving while suspended” over no car insurance. But I know only blacks matter in this country, not some mutt who is half native american half white. That has been made ABUNDUNTLY CLEAR. 

If you are one of those stupid cunts with the “driving is a privilege” bullshit mindset, (driving to work should not be a privilege should be a basic human right and “ride the bus” only big cities have busses and many people have to commute to larger cities in Oregon) when basic liability insurance is about $300 a month for people who are never on mommy and daddys insurance, please kindly fuck off. Housing in Oregon is insane, already, most people have half or more of their money going to rent if they can manage to get somewhere to rent to them at all, they should not have to have another 1/4th or more of their income going to basic liability insurance when they have never even had a ticket. I went through the same shit. Eventually police would just wait in the parking lot for me to leave work and just ticket me over and over, I was denied a hardship permit that is also such a scam. Pay a bunch of money for something you aren’t even guaranteed to get. I drove 1000 miles a week just to get to work, because I could not find work in the rural area I live in not could I afford the $1500 a month rent in the city that has jobs (that’s basically how much I made a month) it is what is is. I had no choice. 

Paying for car insurance crippled me financially. I was actually split up with his father at that time but had to come crawling back begging for money due to my $300 basic liability insurance. The tickets are not even on my record anymore, for driving with no insurance and driving while suspended but its still $260 a month. Absolutely sickening. I don’t have a fucking dime left over after i pay bills, and my boyfriend works and we STILL have no fucking money. Ever. We don’t get to go on vacations, we live in the shittiest neighborhood in the entire county, in a shit trailer, drive shitty cars, I assure you we have nothing nice. Nicest thing he had is probably his work boots which were paid for by his boss, working your ass off in Oregon does not pay off. “Get a better job” no shit sherlock, did it ever occur to you its difficult to not get fired from your job you are currently working, and still go to interviews? Employers be like “I know you have a job currently but can you drop everything and come in an hour?” Oh yeah, totally. And if you try and schedule it for a time maybe you won’t get fired its usually “Nevermind.” And the interview process is a begging a groveling process like you’re a god damn peasant. Why do I want this job? MONEY! Why else! Why does anyone want any job? I worked at a staffing agency for 4 years and I can not tell you how many people did well at those stupid cookie cutter questions but were shit workers. I wish places would just let you work a day or two and see. 

Then I got laid off as soon as stupid corona hit in March, they already fired my office manager and a sales person “over discounted bill rates”. Kinda like how the Dollar Tree stays in business because its cheap but more volume is sold (worked there before too that was horrible) so they have just as much profit if not more, as say Walgreens or something. With corporate clowns coming down and saying to clients basically pay the full rate or we are taking you to court, to 3/4 of the clients, sales tanked. They tried to blame corona but the sales were complete shit before that as soon as they fired the two people who had most of the sales, with discounted bill rates. I am still friends with someone who managed to not get fired. They said in a conference call this week they announced they would be lowering bill rates. *Face palm* now that you fired hundreds of people, you are lowering bill rates. How many lives did you ruin before coming to your senses? Companies here are just so fucking awful!

A few years ago I decided I wanted to move out of the country. However if you have a child, both parents have to sign a passport form unless you don’t have the father listed on the birth certificate. Norway in particular I like, its beautiful, free healthcare, minimum wage twice that of Oregon with cheaper rent and free healthcare, they also help with childcare. They claim they do in Oregon but your “copay” is usually so high you might as well just pay out of pocket and not deal with all the states controlling bullshit you have to deal with when you get state assistance. People like to say “Norway has higher taxes” please shut up and go look at Oregon’s income tax rate. One of the highest in the country. Expensive gas, INSANE housing, its just not possible to have a decent life here in Oregon. I love the ocean also. Norway is beautiful and comes in the top countries for quality of life every year, meanwhile USA is at the very bottom. 

Everyone called me paranoid all those years, I just had a bad feeling that something bad was going to happen also and I needed to get out while I still could. Next remark “how can you afford to get there if you are so broke?” Simple don’t pay my outrageous rent and insurance for 1 month problem solved. My child’s father finally agreed to sign the passport form now that its too late and Americans are banned from basically every country in the world, once the racism and virus bullshit started. Super awesome. He will never hear the end of that from me. Its been months and I still do not even have the passport. Even if I did I AM TRAPPED HERE!!!!!!!!!! I can not even go to fucking Canada!

I decided ok, I will try and move to Montana/Idaho/North Dakota or something. Give up my ocean in attempts to get the hell away from all this mask and the non existent “racism” bullshit. Go somewhere with a lower cost of living, more jobs with higher wages. I absolutely can not stand wearing the face masks. There is no evidence they work, just go look at Sweden. Or the states I just named which have no mask laws. Also a lot of rural areas in Oregon do not wear them seems like the entire populations would have been sick or dead. I am not looking to argue with scared little sheep over this. Before you say “I hope your grandparents die” because I don’t wear them, something that I have seen many people say to myself and anyone else without a mask, my grandparents have said many times they would rather be dead than be completely isolated over some bullshit virus with a higher survival rate than the flu. Plus the media has lied so much, how can you believe a word they say? Seriously? They are all left winged biased. I am not even a conservative and I can see it. But people just eat the shit up. That 26 year old who they claimed died in Oregon from coronavirus, turns out did not even have the virus the CDC medical examiner said. So you choose for yourself what to believe. 

I did get a job in Montana very easily. In six fucking months in Oregon I had maybe 5 phone calls for a job, all minimum wage no benefit shit jobs. I did 2 years of business and law classes, 4 years of heavy payroll and accounting for work so its not like I have absolutely no experience in anything worth a fuck. Plus 8 years total of customer service or more I have been working since I was 18 with gaps here and there between jobs. But with my boyfriend and son back in Oregon, 900 miles away, it was really difficult. I had never been alone like that or even stayed a night away from my child. Never in 9 years. First of all staying in some shitty hotel... I hate hotels in general I like my little nest, as shitty as my house may be, even at a nice hotel I would rather sleep in my own shitty bed. I lasted 2 weeks, only having $100  week leftover for food and other bills spending $400 a week at the cheapest motel I could find, before I gave up. I could not save money for a deposit or loan and my boyfriend has absolutely no credit so he could not get approved for a loan or rental either. He also had absolutely no one to watch our child back in Oregon with everything being closed so he could not work during that time and almost lost the job he had. Done landscaping for 11 years and still only makes $2 above minimum wage because companies treat employees like such shit in Oregon. I was so close, had a decent pay (way more than I ever made in Oregon even though Montana has a lower minimum wage) with benefits, but it was impossible to move into a rental. My credit is good enough for a loan, but I could not save money for a down payment staying in a hotel. Plus I was so lonely and miserable. Now winter is coming and we will not be able to go back and forth in that snow in little cars anyways.

If we would have succeeded, I would have gotten us into a rental and then quit as soon as he got a job because we never have anyone to watch our child and the cost of living is so much lower we would not HAVE to both work like we do here in Oregon. Especially now. Seriously, what the fuck do they expect people with kids to do? Schools are closed and even if they weren’t there is no way in hell I would send my kid wearing a mask all day. SO bad for you! They have to wear them all day “except at lunch” ok so might as well just take the damn things off the entire day. These rules don’t even make sense how do people not see that? Or in a restaurant you have to wear them if you walk to the bathroom but not at the table what logic is that? How do people not see through this bullshit? And children are gross they touch everything masks are going to do shit at schools. Notice the schools that did open, masks or no masks still had a shitload of cases. Single parents are especially screwed in particular. I guess if you could somehow both find employers willing to work with your schedule (good luck with that) you could constantly work opposite shifts as your partner/spouse and never seen them and work. 

Anyways, jobs for him paid more up there too, rent is fucking half of what it is in Oregon. Their average rent is the price of “low income housing” in Oregon. But we just could not do it. I tried. I tried so hard. I even learned Norwegian jeg snakker norsk und ich spreche auch Deutsch because Austria was another country I was interested in. You can try and try and try here, but unless you get lucky, or your parents help you, I do not know how people do it. All the old people I know here don’t have enough money to live off either after working 50 years. Its so sad.

I am no perfect person either. I am pretty bitchy, I have horrible anxiety I quit public school at age 12 and finished online, yes I have a high school diploma. I actually did all my high school schooling in 2 years after skipping 3 years of school with no problem. I never even really went to middle school and still managed. I am not stupid. I just have a hard time doing things I am absolutely miserable doing.

I will go into more detail, year by year on what a shitshow it is to live in the USA but in particular Oregon. The entire west Coast really. I hate it here and I just want out but I have tried everything. 

[asfeedin]

The problems with Italy, Germany’s plans to resume 2019-20 season

We’re no closer to knowing when soccer might return to action given the global reaction to slowing the coronavirus outbreak, but there’s still a lot happening in the broader soccer world. Gab Marcotti reacts to the main talking points in the latest Monday Musings.

Jump to: Modest proposal to subs rule | Italy, Germany plans to resume not feasible? | UEFA’s desire to finish season | Ex-Barca president speaks out

More substitutions, please!

As a response to the coronavirus pandemic, leagues are considering applying for permission to make five substitutions per match rather than the usual three. The motivation behind it is preserving players from injury as they’ll necessarily need to play a very congested schedule when the 2019-20 season resumes, but it’s the sort of change that ought to be considered on a permanent basis for the simple reason that it reduces footballers’ minutes on the pitch.

– Stream new episodes of ESPN FC Monday-Friday on ESPN+ – Stream every episode of 30 for 30: Soccer Stories on ESPN+

It’s not just about reducing fatigue, either. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that if you reduce minutes by, say, 10%, then you reduce the likelihood of injury by 10% too.

We’re not talking about the sort of continuous substitutions you often see in preseason friendlies, either. One obvious rule to put in place would be that you can have your five subs, but you can only sub on three occasions, which means you’d have more double or triple changes. It’s a minor thing perhaps, but a legacy that ought to stick around after this terrible public health crisis is over.

The flaws in Germany, Italy’s plans to restart the season

After the German Bundesliga comes Italy’s plan to restart the football season. We’ll know more after Wednesday’s summit with government officials — obviously, by video conference — but the Italian FA meanwhile unveiled their conditions for a restart. And the more you hear about this, the more skeptical you become.

There are plenty of similarities with the German plan. Players, coaches, staff, kit men, physios and others will be sequestered away at their club’s training grounds. They’ll be heavily screened and tested, both for COVID-19 and for antibodies. Of course, that’s just the protocol for training to resume: there will be a whole new one for actually playing the games.

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That said, there are myriad issues in simply trying to get the training regimen off the ground. Like the fact that half the Serie A clubs don’t have adequate facilities at their training grounds to accommodate everyone who will need room and board for nearly three months, particularly since they all need to stay in single rooms. Or the fact that while Italy has developed an extensive coronavirus testing program, performing some 60,000 tests per day, using it on footballers may not be a great move in a PR sense. Or that physios giving post-workout massages in full PPE for the first two weeks of training camp — as mandated — seems unnecessary at a time when there are legitimate shortages.

Once you get into games, it only gets more complicated.

Read all the latest news and reaction from ESPN FC Senior Writer, Gabriele Marcotti.

Serie A is hoping to cram 123 games — that’s how many are left in the 2019-20 season — plus the return legs of the Coppa Italia semifinals and the finals into less than two months. Then, there’s the ever-present (and ever-unresolved) June 30 “cliff edge,” when nearly a quarter of Serie A players become free agents or their loan deals expire and they return to their parent clubs. FIFA’s plan is nice and all, but it’s subordinate to national employment law, which basically means nobody knows what will happen.

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It’s not surprising that, according to reports, at least six Serie A clubs are against any form of a restart. (Among them, Brescia, who are last in the table, with owner Massimo Cellino saying he’d rather get relegated than participate in what he considers to be a pointless charade.) As for clubs in Serie B and the third division, forget about it: there’s no way they can sustain the expense or meet the logistical requirements. Like an increasing number of clubs in the English lower leagues, they also realize it’s simply not viable.

UEFA’s desires to finish season remain improbable

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1:50

Stewart Robson discusses UEFA’s possible restructuring of this season’s Champions League.

As you’d expect, UEFA President Aleksander Ceferin would like play to resume. He told Italian daily Corriere della Sera that while public health remained the priority, he was “an optimist” who believed there were solutions to restart leagues and cups and end the domestic seasons.

“It will probably be without spectators, but the most important thing is playing games,” he said. “In these tough times we could bring some happiness and a sense of normality, even if they are only on TV. It’s too early to say we have to abandon the seasons.”

Ceferin is saying what his constituents — clubs and leagues — want him to say, and fair enough. Those for whom there is money at stake — not just TV money, but sponsor contracts — have a major vested interest to continue. Of course, that applies to UEFA competitions like the Champions League and Europa League too. In fact, were we to make predictions — a hugely risky thing to do, admittedly — you’d bet that the only football we’ll see in the foreseeable future is at the very highest level, where broadcast contracts and those super-clubs with the biggest revenues move the needle. And even that remains a very big question mark.

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Julien Laurens ponders whether Real Madrid and Barcelona are close to going the way of Man United and Milan.

Ex-Barca president Rosell speaks to media

This weekend, former Barcelona president Sandro Rosell gave his first interview since 2014. He spent more than two of the intervening six years in custody awaiting trial after being accused of money laundering and financial irregularities, the same accusation that forced him to leave the club. He was ultimately fully cleared, which may explain why he’d have a legitimate chip on his shoulder about those two years behind bars.

Rosell remains a figure that looms large at Barcelona, so his words matter. After all, Jose Maria Bartomeu, the current president, was his right-hand man. Rosell said he wouldn’t run for president again “as long as my mother is alive, it’s a promise I made her,” but he’s bound to have a strong influence on the club’s presidential elections next summer, and he made it clear he’s ready to take sides.

For now though, he’s urging Barcelona to bring back Neymar, which is understandable given that he signed him in the first place.

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Tags: 201920, blog - marcotti, English Premier League, German Bundesliga, Germanys, Italy, Plans, problems, resume, Season

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