#but he doesnt always have a strong internal sense of what that means

[snivyartjpeg]

Yuma Month Day 26 - Role Swap

god i was excited for this one. it first started off as a joke, but the more i thought about it, the more interesting this swap became. so here's my massive lore dump of changes that'd happen in the story beneath the cut (spoiler warning):

i think, fundamentally, yuma and yakou are very similar characters. they're both very protective and kindhearted, with a strong sense of justice and a penchant for attracting terrible luck. because of this, some things would remain the same, such as the NDA's dynamics with their doormat chief as well amnesia!yakou's massive unpaid intern energy. i think yakou would be pretty similar to how he behaved in the light novel- a bit more optimistic and naive, like yuma. but there are two key differences between them that'd make this a different story, especially in ch 4: yuma has a forte, and yakou is very selfish. so here's some changes:

yakou's wife is his shinigami now, as you can see, while shinigami is yuma's dead wife. i think mrs furio would act cooler than shinigami. she'd still be playful, but she takes her job more seriously. also she hands yakou the solution keys normally without throwing up. they still have to do the dance and mouth sword thing tho. and the other stuff. that's just death god protocol

shinigami (or in this case the unnamed Mrs. Kokohead but i will still be calling her shinigami for convenience sake) was a scientist at amaterasu who studied forensics and thanatology instead of regenerative medicine. this also means that the pill she gives zombie yuma is not going to bring him back, but instead grant the zombie homunculi a peaceful, painless, but permanent death

speaking of zombie yuma, he's the homunculus now! yakou is 100% human and also doesnt have a forte. he's still number one, but instead of having a forte he's just that good at solving mysteries

yes this means makoto looks like yakou now. sorry makotoheads. i think he'd have really long, shaggy hair dyed to be like. idk. black or something. also he's more clean shaven bc stubble with a mask on is a sensory nightmare

yuma still cant cook. he subsists entirely on takeout, meat buns, black coffee, and beer. he's still in a lot of debt and under a lot of stress and his personality is essentially "what if canon number one just gave up"

he doesn't smoke though. he tried once and got into the worst coughing fit

imma say it right now. kurumi is not a love interest. yakou likely disguises himself as a faculty member instead (also i think one of the teachers gets a crush on fem yakou bc i just know she'd be hot)

ANYWAY what about chapter 4? im SO glad you asked! because here's where things get spicy!

so, lets start with the dead wife. shinigami catches onto huesca's inhumane research and she's just as adamant about bringing the truth to light as she always is. she blows the whistle, so he blows her up. yuma investigates, but they dont let him look any further, yada yada, yuma stews in his misery for five years

yomi sends in the evidence to motivate yuma to kill huesca, and makoto lets it happen because a dead huesca would be convenient. he even introduces the hitman, fully expecting yuma to make use of him

yuma doesnt. in fact, he wants to kill huesca with his own hands. and now that these detectives are here, he can do it and even return alive. the thing is, he doesn't want to put them in danger, so he chooses to do almost everything alone (sound familiar?)

his plan is simple:

ask desuhiko for a peacekeeper uniform. desuhiko trusts him enough to take "i want to investigate kanai ward's ultimate secret by infiltrating their ranks" as an answer. he does, however, let yakou know about this as an offhand comment before the mystery ever begins

hold fubuki's hand. it doesnt really matter how. she'll gladly allow it because she's fubuki. he stores her time powers and heads out the sub. yakou also learns this as an offhand comment played off as a joke (maybe fubuki affectionately comments about how she never expected the chief's hands to be so soft... idk. there has to be some way for yakou to have this as a future clue)

use his peacekeeper status to sneak into amaterasu HQ and demand a functioning ama-pal from that one creepy researcher

use ama-pal + fubuki's borrowed powers to bypass huesca's security. sneak the bot past the hard-of-hearing doctor and press the button to shut off security

this would probably alert huesca, but since the doctor never received a warning, yuma has enough time to rush in and stab him before he realizes what's going on

leave HQ while still in uniform, dispose of the disguise once he's safe, and return to the NDA like nothing happened. success!

soooo.... yakou, on that same day, decides to investigate amaterasu HQ with makoto

all the while, vivia has his suspicions about yuma's actions and keeps an eye on him in spectral mode. he... basically witnessed the whole thing, so he gets up off his ass and decides to follow yakou to the lab because he has a Very Bad Feeling about this

just like canon, he senses the death god and deduces that our protag has been killing off murderers, and so he wants to protect his chief as well as his peace and quiet (his dynamic with yuma would be the same as his dynamic with yakou, since it's entirely believable for yuma to treat vivia with the same kindness yakou did)

yakou tries to speak to huesca, but surprise! security is disabled and he's dead in the lab! no one else at amaterasu liked huesca enough to check on him, so yakou and makoto are the first ones at the scene of the crime. yakou, of course, decides to start investigating this murder

vivia somehow sneaks into the lab (dont ask me how) and confronts yakou, threatening him with his boxcutter and adamantly imploring him to stop pursuing this particular mystery in the same way he did yuma in canon. unfortunately, this attracts attention, and now they're in trouble (maybe even yomi's there to fetch his files). at this point, yakou has enough solution keys, so he panics and goes right into the labyrinth (and maybe others can enter for another reason that isnt coalescence idk)

so... they go in the labyrinth... vivia tries to stop him every step of the way, until the answer is right in front of them

yakou kills yuma with his own hands. there's no stab wounds or toxic gas to leave any doubt. yakou begins to question what good his justice really does. it doesnt even save them from their predicament, just like the other deaths. instead, makoto ex machina comes in to save them, and hands yakou a small black box

when they return to the agency, everyone is heartbroken over their chief, who seemingly died out of nowhere. fubuki tried rewinding time, but to no avail. halara tried everything to wake him up, knowing it's futile. desuhiko stood aside, feeling completely helpless. and yakou and vivia return looking like they just came back from hell

they barely get the chance for a funeral before the knockout gas trap activates... you know the rest

AAAAND SCENE! so that's my extremely long winded lore dump about this au. i thought about it Way Too Much but god it's so interesting to me. i love these characters and swapping them was immensely fun

[marshmallowprotection]

No wait oh my god theres so much potential for Saeyoung getting sick and Saeran having to help him- Especially if its post RAE bc you and the twins go traveling and you KNOW Saeyoung's not gonna say shit because he doesnt want to spoil yours and Saeran's fun after all you went through. It probably takes you, Saeran, and several rfa calls to get him to actually rest

And then theres the whole mess of actually having a fever and all the Trauma the boys have associated with that and Saeyoungs internalized guilt about not being 'strong' enough for his brother and their still mending relationship and GOD I WISH I WAS A BETTER WRITER SO I COULD WRITE THIS

"He wouldn't let you do anything?"

"Nu-uh, nothing. I left the Tylenol by his bed, though. He wouldn't let me give it to him but I figure... he'll take it if he really needs it. Brother has... been that way for as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time in my life when he let me take care of him. I always was sick as a kid, but... if Saeyoung ever was, I can't recall. He wouldn't tell me if he was sick. For a long time, I thought Saeyoung couldn't get sick... it seemed like he was... stronger than I'd ever be."

"Saeyoung didn't want to worry you, I guess."

"He took care of me from the minute I could walk... which was way after he did. If I needed anything, Saeyoung would do everything to take care of my needs. I don't know how he did it, but there was one time when I had a really bad fever. He left me alone at some point to take care of mother's errands... but when he came back, he had some medicine."

"How did he manage that? I mean, you guys were in hiding from your father... and he was... the two of you were just kids."

"I still don't know, my love. But, that's the kind of person Saeyoung is. He will do whatever it takes to protect his loved ones... and... I know it must be hard... to..." Saeran's voice wavered, cracking his throat from the other side of the door. Even if he couldn't see his brother's face, it was obvious he was on the brink of tears.

Saeyoung caused that.

The voice of an angel was there to comfort him, though. To protect a weary heart with their gentle love and care. "It's okay, my sweet... it's okay. You're allowed to cry. Breathe with me... okay? Let's slow down and get you some tea."

Even in a state of delirium, Saeyoung Choi still had enough sense in him to pay attention to his surroundings. It didn't matter how weak or sick he was. He would be on guard. He was trained for this, yes, but it was a skill he'd been using since he was a child. It didn't matter if the threat was gone. It didn't matter if their father was behind bars for the rest of his life. It didn't matter that the agency had been dismantled.

His job was to remain strong for his dear family. His family meant the world to him. Saeran... [Y/N]... the RFA... they were his family, but the most important family to him was Saeran. They were twins, made of the same soul, and he promised that he would always protect him. It didn't matter what happened. It was his duty as a big brother to save his little brother.

His goal to protect his brother had been distorted by others his entire life. People used him and abused him in the name of what had been a truly innocent goal on his part. How could he just stop trying to do all he could for Saeran? He couldn't just stop giving the shirt off his back for his twin. He couldn't stop fighting even if Saeran had stood on his two feet, his two wobbly legs, and proved that he could protect every dream he had on his own.

Saeran was strong, emotionally.

He could handle himself now. He didn't need Saeyoung... but, what Saeyoung needed was to be needed. He needed to be there just in case. Just in case someone tried something again. That's why he'd wanted to come along with Saeran and [Y/N] after their honeymoon. They made the offer to him that he should tag along for a new trip, a family vacation. He would get to see his brother every day and chat with his new in-law.

It was a wonderful offer... even though, Saeyoung didn't want to get in their way. Saeran was living a beautiful life. He'd carved it out on his own. He deserved it... and Saeyoung was still trying to figure out what his life was. He was 'free' now... all thanks to his brother... even though, Saeran shouldn't have ever been on the battlefield in the first place.

No.

Blood wasn't meant to touch Saeran's soul.

It was meant for Saeyoung's hands alone.

With a ragged breath, he rolled over in bed, the fever burning him to nothing more than ashes. He was supposed to be strong... why had he gotten sick like this? How was his body this broken? Only a couple minutes in the icy cold shouldn't have done this to him... he'd been in the Antarctic for two months not even that long ago for a mission via Vanderwood's request.

When had Saeyoung left himself to become soft? Was it when he stopped training from threats? Was it when he lost himself in a bad state when his brother left the country for six months to enjoy some peace that he rightfully earned? Was it when he realized that his one purpose in life was no longer what he imagined it to be? He had to be strong for Saeran.

Just in case.

Something could always go wrong... and if it didn't... Saeyoung would be ready. He had to be ready. So, why wasn't he ready? Why was he in bed with a fever? Why was he trembling with chills that reminded his aching heart of the days when Saeran would cling to him? He wanted to be healthy... so he could do what he had to do.

If he couldn't give his life for Saeran, he had to be willing to remain there... always in the corner... always ready to act.

He wasn't sure he had another purpose. He coughed, the heart in his brain feeling too much to focus on anything but discomfort. He was free... but what was freedom? He wasn't allowed to exist and now... it was too much. There was too much in front of him and he felt like it was impossible to move. He could mask. He could smile. He could be there and laugh...

But, he would never admit to a single soul he was running himself into the ground with this feeling of misery.

"P... Pathetic..." his throat was hoarse as he spoke to himself in the darkness. "You're pathetic... that's what Saejoong said... you're just another cog in the machine, Saeyoung... thinking you... can do any little thing to outsmart them all... but in the end... you get played like a fiddle... and... and...."

The darkness welcomed him in the midst of his haze.

It would be hours before he even vaguely regained awareness, much less consciousness.

He thought he'd been on fire again. But, this time, there was a kind of coolness against his face that wasn't there before. His glasses weren't on but he could feel someone in the room. He blinked, bleary-eyed in a feverish state, and saw a white blob at his bedside. Saeran was the person that he least expected to come in here.

He didn't imagine his twin would want to risk getting sick like this. His immune system was still a weak one. It wouldn't take much for a little cold to leave him on his back for days.

Maybe it wasn't even his twin... maybe he was having a dream from the fever. He didn't know what a dream would feel like against a fever dream... if he got sick when he was in the agency, Vanderwood gave him the strongest painkiller and he kept working. Even though he'd hated substances that altered his mind... medication kept him going like he needed. It was better than alcohol, he told himself.

The coldness he felt, he realized, was an ice pack.

Saeran must've grabbed one to try and help with his fever the only way he knew how. Saeyoung knew Saeran had a weariness to most medications, too. He didn't talk about it... but whatever happened to him with Rika... it wasn't good. Another reason why Saeyoung knew he was a failure. But, Saeran trusted painkillers and basic medicine... because it made a difference when someone needed help. The body was only so strong...

Normal people were only so strong.

Saeyoung wasn't normal.

"You didn't take anything," Saeran said.

"I'm fine," Saeyoung muttered. It was a blatant lie that neither of them believed. "You shouldn't be in here. It's just a fever... I'll be fine. I don't want you to catch this cold. It'll be a lot worse if you get sick. You and [Y/N] have plans this weekend."

"Brother, I don't have any plans that're more important than you are. I don't want you to be alone. If you're not going to help your fever, the least I can do is stay here with you."

Saeyoung said nothing.

"You used to do this for me all the time, remember? When I got sick, you wouldn't go to the cathedral until I felt better. Even if that meant we didn't eat much that day... you knew I'd cry and cry... and cry... if I was alone and sick with mother," Saeran said, softly. Even if he could not see Saeran, he knew his brother was looking at his lap. He didn't dare look at Saeyoung when he was nervous.

"I knew you needed to go. But, I kept asking for you to stay. I was a scaredy-cat. I hated being alone... but I knew you were stronger than me. You were faster than me... you knew how to protect yourself on the street. But, brother... Saeyoung... tell me, why did you ever let me believe that you weren't scared, too? Why couldn't I help you when it was bad? I know I needed more... but, why... why couldn't you—"

"I wasn't important," Saeyoung cut him off, a cough burning in his throat before he could finish. He closed his eyes to avoid the static clouding his vision. "You were so important, Saeran. You were more important. If I got sick, I got better. If you got sick, you got worse. I didn't need anything. I had to take care of you. I have to take care of you no matter what! That's my job! I'm your— ack, cough—I'm your big brother. My job is to protect you since our parents didn't want to protect either of us."

A coughing fit burned in his throat. He felt ashamed of himself... and the pain he felt was wrong. He needed to be better. He wanted a dull dream where nothing like this haunted him. Whether this was real or fake, he just wanted it to... he needed it to end. He needed to be back to full strength. He needed to be strong.

"I'm not a child anymore, brother."

"I know that! But—"

"Saeyoung, brother, I love you. You're my big brother. You always will try to take care of me no matter what happens. I know that. I know I don't have to be afraid of anything when you're with me. But, brother, I don't need you to be strong for me now. I'm strong. I know how to take care of myself, too. If I need you, I'll tell you I need you. You know I would. I don't have any reason to hide my suffering from you. We're the same soul, remember? So, why are you still hiding your suffering from everyone? Not just me, but the rest of our family?"

Saeran was standing up now, his voice emotional and torn with such things that Saeyoung had never heard before. He felt shameful. This wasn't what he wanted. He never wanted to hurt Saeran. The pain in his brother's voice tore him to shreds. In trying to hide his pain from his brother, he hurt his brother more than he would've if he had just been honest.

Saeyoung jolted up, the ice pack falling from his face as he looked at his twin, full of shame. "I have to be the strongest, Saeran! I can't live if I'm not— If I'm not strong enough to protect you!"

Like whiplash, the truth sent him reeling and tears flooded into his eyes. His vision clouded, and his fists clawed at the sheets. What he didn't see in Saeran's face was the recognition of the words he'd just spoken as if those words were his own. All he knew was that he had no way to hide his pain anymore.

Saeran's arms wrapped around him, tightly, in a hug that he refused to let go of. Saeyoung couldn't bring himself to hug his brother back, he only stared ahead of himself, the darkness taunting his vision as the fever became worse and the ringing in his ears left him nothing but a shell of himself. He needed to be strong... Saeran wasn't meant to see him like this.

But... the fact was... Saeyoung couldn't hide anymore. Not from his brother and not from their family. His mask was broken and nothing could put it back together now that the truth was revealed.

"You don't need to be the strongest to be worthy of a wonderful life, Saeyoung," Saeran's words were foggy in the distance. "That's what [Y/N] taught me after I really hurt them trying to prove my strength was the only reason I was still alive. We won't let you suffer that way, I promise... I promise. Please, let your family take care of you."

And just like that, Saeyoung was swept away once again, this time, whispering, "Forgive me."

[fox-daddy]

Second, Gen au, I've been daydreaming about making a chose your own adventure fic for but lazy.

The word child is in '' because I mean 'child of' not necessarily that their a minor. Also, oc x cc for 3/4 of the parents.

Mc - Selasi's 'child' roughly 19-24 - the fool(?)/maybe a different major arcana

- Strong with magic (but doesn't use magic unless has to)

Aurora - The star - 20 (Asra/Kyle's 'child')

- Can sense magic (almost see in a sense but using her own magic can cause a positive feedback loop which isn't fun)

- loves painting and colors (is scared of strong wind and heavy rain)

^^ twinz vv

Solar - The Devil - 20 (Asra/Kyle's 'child')

- tries to be the best at what he enjoys (to the point if he feels like he should be able to do something he won't stop until he can do it. Great when it comes to reading not so much when it comes to picking locks.)

- super defensive about his twin and will protect her. (To the point of using magic to quickly deal with fights that didn't have to be fights.)

- may or may not get along great with the local street kids.

Piper - The Magician - 21 (Julian/Hunter's 'child')

- raised by Julian and someone who's a theater kid at heart. She can and will be dramatic for fun. (Tends to put others' needs above her own)

- high energy and able to keep up with a lot of stuff. (Keeps up to date with Portia on local gossip and the hottest new plays around the community theater)

- When not bugging Julian, Hunter, Nadia, or Portia, she's either running around looking for trouble or around the blacksmith. (She enjoys making accessories and items from the junk and scrap metal with permission and some help.)

Unnamed girl - The high priestess - 24 (Nadia/Portia'a 'child')

- very much knows what she wants and is trying to get it. (More perfectionist in the sense she likes things the way she likes them.)

- mainly interested in learning both secrets and basic knowledge. (Doesn't keep many freinds aside from a close few.)

- sharp minded and witty being able to keep up with Piper in any dramatic exchange. (Trades secrets with people, a secret for a secret. Knowledge for knowledge.)

Unnamed boy - The Hermit - 20 - (Portia/Nadia's 'child')

- prefer to be kept out of the spotlight but even in the spotlight is great at being as unnoticeable as possible. (Suprisingly really smart in a general sense but manly keeps it to himself)

- takes active internet in his mum's tinkering and even picked up the hobby himself. (Likes making the internal gears and mechanics more than actually designing the outside. Leading to a lot of boring looking items with interesting mechanisms.)

- despite not speaking a lot and occasionally stuttering, he typically says interesting or important things. (Although his voice is soft.)

Fern - The Hangedman - 19 - (Muriel/Bluebell's 'child')

- similar to his parents prefers to just stay in the forest away from people. (Although he does sometimes hang out with kids around the outskirts of the forest.)

- enjoys where he lives and how things are and doesn't really want it to change. (Pretty stuck in his train of thought and finds other ways people think confusing at best and straight up wrong st worst.)

- given the chance would keep things exactly how they are forever, no growing up, no changes. (Despite knowing things are always going to change for the worse or better he doesnt know yet.)

The full plot is WIP, and while I tried to shift the major arcana between kids, I gave up with Portia and Nadia's. Feel free to suggest names for the unnamed characters or just suggest ideas.

[eld-red]

i am hearing you out about the spy bojack thing… tell us ALL ABOUT IT

THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. anyways its a bit of a like batshit really out there kind of one its like the charlie day conspiracy board from it’s always sunny like that.

where this comparison first came from was me, partially in a dream, getting an idea to write a fic using the framing of the penultimate episode of the entire show (bojack. horseman obviously) “the view from halfway down” for the fic. so obviously after that, i was trying to figure out who was going to get quote unquote “bojack’d” (i have my drafting document! if anyone wants to see this)

(and if anyone reading this doesnt know what this means, in that episode a character experiences a near death hallucination based on a recurring dream he has. said dream is him being the guest of honor at a dinner party where all those in attendance are people whose deaths had a lot of impact on him.)

and it was between scout and spy to be the one having the near death experience, and although scout’s version of jt would be horrific and interesting in its own regard, i decided spy’s would be. also interesting to explore. the mercs (pauling and the administrator included in this fic) with all their absolutely vibrant personalities have very different perspectives on death. and already just off my memory and what spy became in my head the two had the most similar views on death.

so i decided to do another rewatch of the show in anticipation to write and plot this. and with spy in the shoes of bojack (though not committing the horrific actions bojack has done) (ok murder is bad but i think murky lines of consent, providing minors with alcohol, taking advantage of a vulnerable friend, selfishly letting one of his own friends die is like arguably worse! in my opinion!), i started to see some similarities. at least with my own characterization of spy.

standoffish and closed off to almost everyone around him, to an unhealthy degree. creating this very very convincing façade where they know deep down what they really are but is in denial of that. the people around them knowing that. strange and strained relationships with their friends. a heart of gold being there, underneath it all, fucking somehow. everyone eventually getting sick and tired of being sympathetic and nice. bojack internalized the words he heard from secretariat so deeply as a kid, he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions by running away. from everything. spy has some HEAVILY (not so)implied strong feelings of guilt regarding the whole “oh hey that’s my son. hm” of it all, and is running from that and has been running from that for 27 fucking years.

the two do have very different experiences with love. like every single one of bojack’s romantic relationships have failed, and i mean technically spy also does but im not fully counting it. he was in love with her, but he was scared of like. becoming a father. i admittedly havent done much of my own like. interpretation of the relationship with spy and scout’s mom (i named her marilyn. she grew up in the south but moved up north), and i have been meaning to. as well as my own like FULL deep dive into spy’s psychology. i have done this with sniper and scout. i need to do it with the rest of the mercs.

ok i dont know if thag made a lot of sense i am a but tired while writing this theres probably more in me but i am tired. hope this helps. anon who sent it i hope you have a good morning/afternoon/evening/night

[lordstormageddidnt]

(already regretting this) (heavy sigh) of course Dean is hunting things that's his job how can that be a theory

Omg Ceejay I am so glad you asked 💀 the first time I talked about this, it took me 2.5k words and 7 discord messages so I will take pity on you and give you the abridged version:

"Dean is hunting things" is a nickname. The full name of the theory is "sam is saving people, dean is hunting things, and cas is the family business". The basic premise is that when you look at the character arcs and internal struggles across Supernatural, said arcs/struggles each of the three main guys revolve around a different phrase in the motto "saving people, hunting things, the family business".

Sam is "saving people" because although there's a ton of stress placed on "normal life vs hunting life", with seasons like S8 giving us arcs where Sam tries to go back to having a normal life with Amelia, Sam doesnt really like hunting, he likes saving people. That comes out a lot in episodes that discuss how Sam is willing to let monsters go (like Amy Pond the kitsune in S7) while Dean isn't, and it especially comes out during the demon blood in S4, where "I can save more people like this" is how Sam justifies drinking demon blood. Although Sam wants to have a normal life, being a freak is the price he chooses to pay in order to save people, especially in the earlier seasons.

Dean is "hunting things" because although he is a very protective character who saves people, there is a lot of violence and anger in him that gets explored. Obvious examples include Dean fighting against the violent urges of the Mark of Cain, but even without the Mark corrupting him, it's made clear throughout the show that when it comes to hunting, the act of hunting monsters itself is appealing to Dean. Unlike Sam, Dean doesn't let monsters go free (most times) including when he goes back to kill Amy Pond in S7 after Sam agrees to let her live. After Cas and Dean get sent to Purgatory at the very end of S7, it's made clear that there was part of Dean that enjoyed being in Purgatory, where all he had to do was hunt monsters, and he's ashamed of that part of himself.

Importantly, I think it would be wrong to call Dean "the family business" because although protecting his family is a core part of Dean's motivations, it's also never a *choice* to him. He will always save Sam, no matter what, so its not really an arc or internal struggle.

Finally, Cas is "the family business". The meaning of this phrase in context is basically that Dean is telling Sam that because they are Winchesters, they have a duty to be save people and hunt things. Similarly, Cas is a character with a strong sense of duty because he is an angel. In seasons 7-9 we get this really dramatic cycle of Castiel trying and failing to fix Heaven, and when he breaks Heaven, he feels a sense of duty to try and fix it, but trying to fix it leads to making everything worse (like when he works with Metatron at the end of S8). He does a similar thing with Jack in seasons 12+, where once he latches onto protecting Jack as his duty, there is nothing he wouldnt do, including sacrificing himself and his happiness. One quote that springs to mind is Cas's "I'm always happy to bleed for the Winchesters" in,,,,,,s7? Im like 90% sure I was watching season 7 while I came up with this bc of the amount of evidence I pull from that era 💀

TLDR: Im very normal about Supernatural 🥰🥰

[ghostiewriter]

So I have a question and i just wanna say in no way am i trying to be mean or anything I'm genuinely curious and I hope i don't come off sounding like an asshole because I'm really trying not to be 😭. But I've seen that you ship gwyn and azriel from acotar and i read the series myself recently which i very much enjoyed but I really couldn't find myself shipping them together while reading it. I was waiting for something to happen between them that would tip me off that maybe they were into each other a little but i couldn't or i just didn't feel much when reading about them.

I wanted to ask what exactly your reasons were for wanting them together and again I'm really not trying go be rude i just wanted to see from your perspective.

you're not coming off rude at all, bestie!! its so fine!!

i'll be honest, up until acosf came out, i was at peace with the idea that azriel was probably gonna be paired off with elain and it didn't bother me all that much, but then gwyn came into the picture and everything just made sense to me

whilst the three sisters/three brothers plot would be incredibly predictable, azriel and gwyn's story is quite poetic to me.

here you have this powerful warrior whose always viewed himself lesser than his brothers, who goes for women he deep down knows he shouldn't, who never saw himself worthy of love or just never believed it was in the stars for him because he has all these "ugly" reminders (aka his scars being a direct and constant reminder of his trauma)

then you have gwyn who is the opposite of azriel in a sense. she went through something equally as horrible and traumatic, but her scars are internal. she is strong, bold and sassy when you eventually get to know her, and very determined but there is still that fear holding her back from being truly healed. she is terrified that the library will be her future forever, that the closest she will get to that kind of love would be in books she reads.

i think they both also parallel each other in how they view everything. they both care deeply about the people around them, but azriel's view tends to be more pessimistic when it comes to him and gwyn tends to be more isolating.

i think through the small interactions we do see of them, they just fit each other personality wise. azriel has seen gwyn at her worst and yet helps her get to her best through training. gwyn doesn't treat azriel like the scary spymaster everyone views him as, she treats him like a person. add in the wee "you're the new ribbon, az" and "see you tomorrow, shadowsinger" and i just think they compliment each other so well

gwyn catches him off guard, she helps him just relax a little and we see it throughout the book, but i think the best is in the azriel bonus chapter. he was so wound up and conflicted and going through so much, and all of a sudden here comes gwyn who throws him off and he actually seems quite relaxed throughout the interaction. gwyn would give him the unconditional love he doesnt believe he deserves because she sees him as a person

whilst i think azriel would help be the person gwyn needs to heal. obviously its a personal journey, but having someone there with her who quite literally saw her at her worst would be that small comfort she needs when she is healing. plus the fact she is comfortable around him shows that she does trust him

there is obviously other small moments like the fact he was worried when she was in the blood rite, their story being a parallel to a little mermaid retelling and the general angst of the necklace situation being something sjm would definitely do but i just truly adore them so much

and the idea that both of them have this aversion to touch but would help each other through it? help each other heal from their trauma/scars?🥹yeah okay im just such a sucker for them

[randompaw90]

big time longpost abt the megas album get equipped under the cut

ill warn everyone in advance i have no structure for this

but to start i know in 'the message from doctor light,' rocks stated to have a "child's face" but ive always interpreted the megas vers of rock to be in his late teens at least (mostly bcs it makes more sense to me and it makes blue like you A LOT less squicky)

but i think 'the message from doctor light' is a good point to jump off of bcs i think its a good setup for the internal conflict that rock goes through during get equipped

light already feels conflicted for what happened in the album "megatainment" due to the reprogramming of rocks brothers, it clearly still lingers with him and is making him feel a strong guilt for having to make rock fight again, which are strongly reflected in lyrics like "but the burning in your heart i did not put there" meaning rock is already feeling hurt about having to do this despite his confident demeanor in the previous track 'i want to be the one.' but it's also likely bcs of the specific "sense of justice" that light mentions that drives him to need to be the one to protect humans.

and this becomes immediately reflected in 'the annihilation of monsteropolis.' the meme has always been that airman is the toughest mm2 robot master after all, so by putting airman first, i find it to be a super interesting move bcs right off the bat, rock is sent after the most imposing of wily's sons this tike around. and airman wants rock to know that, reflected in the fact that he very openly talks down to him whilst revealing his insecurities with lines like "do you know what it's like to built this way?! with only the power to push others away?" this becomes further accented with the lines he leaves rock with. "youve a heavy role to bare, do you think you can carry it?!"

and likely, that's the thing rock is left wondering as he faces off with metalman in 'metal dance.' as silly as metal is, giving rock more of a dance battle than an actual fight, he's probably still wondering if he's really suited for this life. and metalman even plays into his possibly building insecurities with the lyric "let's see which robot's better, let's see who built us best!"

as for 'carved from mighty oak,' i dont really have much of a comment bcs, kinda like 'metal dance,' it's a lot more light hearted. it can be inferred that, out of wily's sons, metalman and woodman are possibly the most laid back of their brothers. that doesnt stop woodman from being just as scheming though, noting "i would, if i could, destroy all that's good." showing that despite woodman's more lighthearted demeanor, he's just as intense as his brothers are in his intentions.

personally, i think 'promise of redemption' is a big turning point of the album's tone. if it wasnt dark before, it's clear that out of his brothers, bubbleman is extremely self loathing due to being taunted by his siblings for his abilities ("they call me a flipper snorkle-geek" or "i realize something as i sit here waiting, (that i'm the one who i'm really hating...)"). but i think its this fight in particular that really effects rock going forward. where he may have been unsure and insecure in the beginning, he sees bubbleman's longing to be more than his ridiculous powers and realizes. wily's sons are hurting just as much as he is and theyre just doing what their father built them for, even if they may or may not want to carry it out.

and immediately this carries into 'man on fire,' which makes it clear that heatman might not be all that well, especially in his intro with "in robot hell i'm not alone. in my mind i hear the voices cry, i've made them a promise that megaman dies!" it can be interpreted metaphorically, sure, but a popular theory with 'man on fire' in particular is that heatman likely was not all together before the events of the album, and the voices he's hearing cry out to him are that of his now deceased brothers. and i think that this, too, becomes very obvious to rock with lines like "this is the breakdown." that, like bubbleman, heatman isnt well. it's becoming more and more obvious to rock that he has to grapple with the fact that the robots he's fighting are just as tormented as he is. and it makes him feel extreme guilt, guilt that won't properly be tackled until the next album history repeating.

part of me thinks that, by the time of 'blue like you,' rock's been so worn down that flashmans offer of "hey megaman, join my side! and let me stop this moment in time!" actually sounds promising to him. though, just like his brothers, flashman's equally as flawed, as revealed by the bits in his monologue with lines like "what megaman and my brother's dont know, is that this flash is just all for show! there's nothing there and there's nothing to me, i'm empty and hollow" and "this flashy suit and this flashy stage, i use only to hide (the fact that) i am lonely and i need somebody, like megaman, at my side" revealing that flash is both very egotistical and vain, he's focused more on his looks and his interest in his enemy than actually carrying out his mission. but in the end, his vanity can only get him so far, as rock takes his weapon in order to move on to his next target, quickman.

in 'the quick and the blue,' i think it's come to a point where quickman actively doubts his abilities, despite being considered one of the strongest of his brothers like airman. rock's already taken out six of his eight brothers, meaning that all that's left is himself and crashman. yet, quickman doesnt back down. "there's too much at stake now [...] is what they say true, does death wear blue?" but with the mention of death wearing blue, he reveals that bit of fear gnawing at him. "would this be the day that he falls?!" and it seems like the others surrounding quickman, possibly his robot subordinates, recognize this by parroting "can he fall?!" and then "[his] circuits slow," indicating rock's used his brother's time stopper against him. yet, in his final moments, despite all his boasting, quickman seems humbled. "i'm not scared anymore! this is the moment that we've been created for! [...] i join the ranks of my brothers that have fallen before! [...] what they say is true, death DOES wear blue! he CAN fall."

and this immediately lands us at my most opinionated robot master song. there's a lot of interpretations of 'programmed to fight,' but i believe that, instead of a standard fight with rock, crashman does not fight him. instead, he offers his help. why? because he cant stand his father for how he was created, but crashman already acknowledges that today will be his end, but he may as well play it out how HE prefers to, and thats by being a hero. "my end has come and i welcome glory, no one will know the truth to this story!" its clear to rock that, like his other brothers, crash is very conflicted, and he wants to make a change ("everything changes. tonight."). he explicitly offers himself up to rock as an aid in his combat, knowing that his weapon will be of use to rock, but wanting to help and do something other than cause chaos for humanity by helping its savior. "to break wily's walls, you will need my power. but to your aid, an unlikely friend, programmed to fight to the very end!" he shows rock that dedication he has to his cause, but he knows the truth, he won't be surviving this fight. so, in the end, he joins in his fight for as long as they can, until they come to an impasse and they can no longer continue, not unless he sacrifices himself. "and so they fought, the clash of metal and grinding gears echoed across the night sky. victory was at hand, but in the end, his will overcame the program." despite being built for battle and destruction, by offering his aid to rock's purpose, he overcomes his programming by being more.

and that's what breaks rock.

theres a skip between wily's fight and to the finale with 'lamentation of a war machine,' in which we immediately see rock break down. yes, he saved humanity, but was it worth it? did he have to hurt the eight of them to do so, when they were just as insecure and hurting as he was? he breaks down to tears, wondering if it was even right to do what he had done, and it makes him question his very purpose. "if ive a heart made of steel, does that mean i cannot feel? remorse for everything ive done, my hands a smoking gun." ive always personally inferred that this was partially a monologue as well as a conversation with dr light that rock is having as he walks his waybhome due to the reiteration of "tell me dr light, why did i fight?!" but light cannot bring himself to respond. ive always pictured him at his desk, slumped over and face in his palms as he, too, is wracked with guilt for what his son has just been through. and when he arrives back at the lab, its then when he drops his helmet as mentioned into the grass. hes stopped talking to light, and is now sitting upon the hill, quietly wondering what more there is for him in life, or if he was just as awful as wilys sons, built to murder. "what purpose am i to fulfill? was i built to kill? [...] how many mist fall before there's peace for all?! tell me was i wrong[...]"

rock is left with this inconsolable feeling of guilt and nihilism for hurting others, and this carries right onto both parts of history repeating, where that guilt is still clinging to rock as he realizes that he's not the only one struggling with these fears.

[cainightfics]

just wanted to say i really appreciate the way you portray tyrell in particular, it feels so close to canon. hes a very special character in that its clear hes not right in the head, and hes super destructive and pretty much brings on his own downfall, but theres something still relatable and sympathetic about him?? he always struck me as someone with a personality disorder tbh (i headcanon him as BPD). how do you approach his headspace? you seem to really get him

thank you! i rly appreciate hearing this. its funny because i actually do not relate to tyrell at all, id say we're complete opposites personality wise lol, yet somehow hes really endearing to me. ive always had kind of a soft spot for horrible yet pathetic people lol.

i definitely agree with you about him having bpd, or some other personality disorder. i’ve talked about it on here before, but i was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder last year. i’m honestly kind of anti psychiatry so i don’t really care for diagnoses and i don’t identify with the label at all, but i’ll admit, all of the symptoms and internal contradictions do fit me. i see szpd often described as the “opposite” of bpd: aloof, non-expressive, solitary, doesn’t care for external validation, very strong sense of self and extremely rich inner world coupled with complete disdain for reality, etc... whereas people with bpd compulsively seek out praise and a feeling of belonging, schizoids seek out isolation. schizoids are also often very paranoid and view relationships as a trap— even if they’re lonely and desire romantic love, they don’t want to be responsible for another persons happiness, and they don’t want to feel burdened by another persons emotional needs. while a borderlines response to stress is to split, a schizoids is to just withdraw completely. personally, i like interacting with people online because its easier for me to "escape" if need be. i find it really hard to connect with people offline. its kind of funny, because when it comes to shipping and fiction, im obsessed with love, but i feel almost incapable of romantic emotion in real life.

all of that being said, just because i have nothing in common with tyrell doesnt mean i find it hard to understand him! i basically see tyrell as a big five year old lol. intellectually, hes very clever, but emotionally, he tends to view things in black and white. he's very desperate for love and attention but cant find anybody who will give it to him. he wants to feel special and be surrounded by special people, but to do so, he has to change who he is. i think tyrell really idolizes elliot—he sees him as somebody unaffected by the more embarrassing emotions tyrell himself feels, like desperation, loneliness, low self esteem, etc. of course we know elliot feels these things too, he can just hide it better.

i think tyrell is the kind of person who will put up with basically anything so long as he thinks it will get him love and attention. it explains his relationship with joanna, his relationship with price, and his relationship with elliot/mr robot. hes very willing to be used and abused as long as it means somebody cares about him. thats why he asks elliot "did you ever care about me?" in s4e4. if elliot loves him, then everything hes done is okay—losing his son, losing joanna, blowing up the 71 buildings, ruining his own life, etc. i think tyrell doesnt really have a concept of personhood outside of how other people see him. he finds himself a role to fill and changes everything about himself to fit it. hes obsessed with what other people think of him because hes deeply insecure. i really wouldn't be surprised if he was emotionally abused/neglected as a child. i actually have a long one-shot im working on that will explore this possibility further.

anyway, to answer your question, i dont relate to tyrell, but i do find him somewhat easy to write, because his goal is always so non-complex: to be loved and feel special. couple that with the fact he has low empathy for 99% of humanity, and you have a disaster on your hands lol.

[etoilesombre]

I really appreciate that one of Fetch’s main motivations is feeling important and special. I think we often focus on characters wanting love, or safety, or power. What Fetch wants is to be the main character. 

[kacchananti]

Deku vs. Kacchan 2

What’s very interesting about deku vs kacchan 2 is how bakugo seeked out deku specifically when he was in a place of extreme emotional turmoil. It’s interesting because at this point, bakugo still thinks deku looks down on him and he’s just waiting for an opportunity to surpass him. And obviously bakugo doesnt want deku’s comfort or sympathy, or for deku to make him feel better, yet still he seeks him out during that time and has a full fledged break down in front of him.

I already talked about how for a long time deku was the only one who saw bakugo as a person separate from his quirk, while everyone else just saw him as someone who had a flashy quirk and potential to be a hero because of it. Because of this, bakugo internalized that all of his worth comes from his quirk, from how strong he is and from what he can do, instead of who he is as a person separate from his strength and his quirk. It’s why he never allows himself to fall behind others, why he thinks that he needs to be the absolute best — because anything less means he’s weak. 

This is why his strength is so important to him and why winning and coming out on top is so important. To bakugo, the greatest hero is the one who always wins in the end no matter the odds. It’s what he admired All Might for and what he strived to be. 

In the conversation with deku bakugo first starts doubting his ideology of “win to save”, because Deku was acknowledged by All Might of all people, which means Bakugo’s way of admiring All Might for his victories must have been wrong.

This is also why Bakugo never learned to really process his emotions properly, because he was always basing his entire worth as a person around his quirk and being the strongest. We know already that bakugo thinks accepting help from anyone means that he’s weak, which is why he always thought that deku offering him help actually meant deku was looking down on him and mocking him.

So of course even when he’s emotionally and mentally at his lowest, bakugo still wouldnt want deku’s help. But still he sought him out in that moment, and i think it was probably *because* deku was still the only person who saw bakugo AS a person who had emotions and who needed help.

 After the LOV kidnapping everyone kind of brushed bakugo’s experience off as him being strong for being able to hold out until help came. And after it, nobody really checked up on him to see if he was mentally okay. He was once again burdened with his strength instead of allowed to feel weakness.

The reason he sought deku out during DvK2 was because deku was the only person who recognized that bakugo *could* have moments of weakness and allowed him to experience those moments. He was the only one who could understand what bakugo was feeling, because he was the only one who saw beyond bakugo’s strength and his quirk and actually saw him.

Still, like i said because of his experiences bakugo never learned to properly process his emotions, and the only way he knew how to do it was through physical altercation, through his quirk. Even in DvK2 that’s what he was looking for -- he wanted a physical fight and he thought that was what he needed. In a sense it was, but what he actually needed was for someone to acknowledge that he’s capable of having emotions, he needed to feel seen and not be judged.

Deku gave him both of the things he needed in that fight -- he gave him the physical outlet bakugo thought he needed, and he gave him what he really needed, which was for his emotional turmoil to be seen and acknowledged. deku was the only one who could do that for him, because he was the only one who saw Bakugo as a person who sometimes felt weak and needed help, who wasnt always strong and invincible just because he has a strong quirk.

So despite his hostility towards deku, Bakugo felt safe with him because he knew Deku would allow him to let his emotions out and he would understand and wouldn’t judge him. Bakugo allowed deku something he never allowed anyone else, which was to see him at his weakest and most vulnerable, because even when he thought he hated him, even when he thought deku was looking down on him, a part of bakugo still trusted deku above everyone else and he was comfortable enough with deku to really let his emotions out.

[kraviolis]

sorting the owl house characters into hogwarts houses, because im cringe

luz - ravenclaw

she’s creative and clever and is always searching to learn new things and loves learning just for the sake of learning. shes incredibly witty and quick thinking and open-minded. she’s constantly finding clever, creative, and original ways to solve her problems. she hardly blinked when given the opportunity to learn magic, and only continued to show an intense amount of intelligence and appreciation for academics. shes very resourceful as a human learning magic, finding a entirely new form of magic when it was apparent that she couldnt do it the traditional way. she’s very aspiring, wanting to be a witch and an author since she was very young. she’s very logical about a lot of things, like how it doesnt make sense to not allow witches to study multiple tracks or that people were imprisoned just for being themselves. she’s highly encouraging of individuality which is a lesser known trait of ravenclaw but very important. she can be a perfectionist at times and tended to avoid social interaction so she could persue her creativity. she’s outspoken, an overthinker, and very competitive. i think a lot of people might say she’s a hufflepuff, as she’s loyal and kind and hardworking, but luz values learning and creativity above any of those other things— this is evident, when she makes the decision to stay in the boiling isles to learn magic rather than go home to her mom, thus putting knowledge and creativity over her own family.

eda - gryffindor

she’s not afraid to stand up for herself and others and will never back down from a challenge. she would rather die as herself than live unauthentically. she’s very passionate and empathetic. she’s rebellious against rules that dont make sense to her and cares intensely for her friends and family. she has a strong internal moral code that she sticks to intensely, never straying from it. in the very first episode, she breaks into the conformatorium just to get a paper crown thats important to king. she let raine break up with her because she didnt want to burden them with her curse. she forfeited the match with lily because she knew her sister wanted to be in the emperor’s coven more than she ever did. she’s sacrifices herself for luz & king over and over again because she cares so deeply for her.

king - slytherin

he’s self-centered, smart, arrogant, and highly ambitious. he would do anything to achieve his goals— which was at first reclaiming his throne as the king of demons, and then turned into finding out where he came from. he tried to use luz as a means to reach his goals when he became an author, nearly sacrificing their friendship. he became incredibly loyal to luz after that in the same way he’s loyal to eda, the one who raised him.

(other characters under the cut)

lily - slytherin

it was between this and ravenclaw, because she’s incredibly intelligent and does seem to enjoy learning and has a great mind, she’s also incredibly ambitious and prideful. the deciding factor was that she cursed eda just to reach her own goals. she’s still loyal to eda even when working for belos, which says a lot to how she’s loyal to only a select few people. to her, the ends justify the means (making amity cheat to appear like the better teacher, cursing eda to win the duel, kidnapping luz to get belos to cure eda, losing her magic to help eda)

amity - gryffindor

this one was hard, i swapped between slytherin and gryffindor a lot for her. she’s ambitious and intelligent, but also not afraid to do whats right even if means breaking the rules. she’s self-sacrificing and empathetic and prideful. she ended her friendship with boscha to help luz and willow win. she didnt like luz at first because luz kept cheating and messing up her life, which means she has a strong moral code against cheating and bullies. she’s rebellious in small ways at first but once she started realizing how terrible her parents and belos really were, she pulled away extremely quickly.

willow - slytherin

not surprising, if you take into her account of self-preservation and bending of the rules to suit her ambitions. in the first episode she agrees to cheating just to get ahead in school because she wants to make her parents proud, and in the end she switches to the plants track so to her the ends justify the means. she pulled out of the grudgby game when luz pushed her & gus too far, a perfect example of that self preservation. she has a sense of loyalty that extends to very specific people but she always makes sure those people are taken care of. her parents, luz, gus, and eventually king, eda, and amity, too. she wouldn’t die for them, but she would kill for them.

gus - hufflepuff

sure, he has the ravenclaw curiousity and thirst for knowledge, but he’s very kind, hard working, has a strong inner sense of justice and fairness, and is tolerant of others. he helps mattholomule even if he’d been a jerk before because it was unfair if he didnt. he helps luz break into belos’s castle to find a cure for eda, lets luz borrow his library card to see amity, and hated it when mattholomule tried to lie about the human objects. he knows what it feels like to be left behind and underestimated, so he makes an effort to be kind to others who seem to be in the same boat. he’s very young but already so accomplished which is a testament to how hard he works.

hunter - hufflepuff

this one was HARD. it was either slytherin or this, and a deciding factor for this is the fact that he is self-sacrificing. he sacrifices a lot for other people, even if it doesnt seem like it. in the palisman episode, he sacrifices the palismen getting away despite knowing he would be punished for returning empty-handed. in eclipse lake, he leaves to find the titans blood for belos when he simply could have stayed in the castle and been safe. he’s viciously hard-working, dedicated, and loyal to his family. he lets people’s actions speak for them. he doesn’t immediately judge luz for using wild magic and actually seems interested in it before remembering to be loyal to belos. he’s patient, too, as seen by his interactions with luz. he gets frustrated, sure, but he still works with her. he’s modest about his rank and title, preferring to not flaunt it more than needed. but he does take pride in it. he’s kind in his own way, specifically to belos and lil rascal, but you can see it in his interactions with amity & luz, too. with amity, he empathizes with her and gives her advice that he thinks is true, and offers to dig a grave for her too when its apparent that neither of them are getting any titans blood. with luz, he gives up the palismen and protects her from kikimora. that boy is a hufflepuff for sure.

raine - gryffindor

oh buddy theyre the biggest gryffindor ever. they extremely, extremely brave. they have terrible stage fright and anxiety but they still became head bard, and they still ran an underground resistance group, and they still gave everything up just to help eda. they have a strong sense of whats right and whats wrong and incredible amount of passion, empathy, and integrity. they have a great sense of pride— “How did someone with stage fright end up as Head Witch?” “I’m just that good.”— and are very selfless. they stopped eda from sacrificing herself because they knew her kids needed her more, they sacrificed themselves in eda’s place and gave up everything they had just so eda wouldnt have to.

camila - hufflepuff

she’s extraordinarily kind, even when she’s terrified. she’s accepting and open-minded and hardworking, making sure to show luz that she loves her creativity but still wants to make sure luz can do well in school and can make friends. sometimes you can do something you think is kind but isnt really. she’s also a single mother doing her best to give her daughter a good life, which is a credit to how hard she works and how dedicated she is to her daughter. she even took the day off of work to drive luz to camp because she knew luz was anxious and wanted to reassure her. she’s patient with luz, and even when faced with the scariest moment of her life, she’s still thinking of how luz feels rather than her own fears and anger. she’s very much a hufflepuff in the way that she’s quiet and unassuming but fiercely protective of her family.

vee - slytherin

she’s opportunistic and has a sense of self-preservation. she’d rather save her own skin than do that right thing. she’s cunning, having pretended to be camila’s daughter just to have a place for herself. this isnt a bad thing at all, though. she’s also loyal to camila, who she sees as her family, and even got into a fight with luz over how she treated camila. she still listened to luz and let luz help her so that vee could remain living as luz. she doesnt feel guilty about valuing herself ahead of luz.

belos - ravenclaw

honestly? not a hard decision. he’s smart, sure, but he’s not people-smart. he didnt think lilith would betray him after he admitted to lying about healing eda. he doesnt understand loyalty, not even to those close to him. he’s rational and logical rather than emotional. if the theory that he is philip wittebane is to be believed, then its obvious he has an appreciation for learning and knowledge. belos distinctly reminds me of lockhart, or even quirrell, who were also in ravenclaw. he’s got an arrogance to him that blinds him, believing himself to be the smartest and strongest witch on the isles and thus underestimating others, which will only lead him to ruin.

[zorbs]

so the whole. american coach getting kicked off his team. they said that like. they got rid of him because black genes are naturally superior to white genes??

which um. i do genuinely think the goal of this was to go "black people are not lesser than white people" but yknow! literal eugenics was not the way to go about it, and the intent doesnt excuse that. and poc shouldnt have to be Genetically Superior to not be treated like utter shit. u should not b racist because like. poc are human beings. got nothing to do with "physically superior black genes" or whatever

but wait rads! arent the main characters asian? yes....

so. what are asians according to the manga's weird eugenics thing. um. we're like. rock bottom ! "isn't. isn't the creator asian" yeah. yeah. thats the main reason why i think the whole thing is Like That because of a Lot of ignorance, poor education on race, and internalized racism. a lot of manga/anime handles race poorly in the sense that theyre intentionally making a mockery of other poc/other asians, but my guy is saying. essentially like.

"asians r naturally smaller weaker and worse at sports than all the other races such as american and black. however we are strong and still worthy so we can overcome our natural inferiority through hard work" which. 1) untrue ?? thats eugenics haha. haha. 2) ive always wondered what that made me as an asian american. cause yknow. american isnt a race. so like. where do the eugenics place me. 3) its clearly attempting to get at the idea of "all races are made up of good people" but just. *gestures at that huge lump of "my being asian makes me naturally inferior to everyone else and i must work hard and train hard to defeat my terrible asian genes"* there is some Internalized Racism.

so. in essense.

they tried to do anti racism but came all the way back around and were racist again. Regardless. regardless !!!!! regardless of the intent its still. bad. for yknow. mainly eugenics. and the thing in the last ask. and probably other things (its been a very long time since ive read it, ive just begun to reread it to get a refresher). it just. makes me sad ! because i thought it was going someplace but. the creator was Not educated enough on the subject of race to get things there and it ended up saying instead of "poc are worthy of love and respect for being people" it was more like "poc are worthy of love and respect if they prove themself first. black people are people because of the stereotype that i believe that black people's dna makes them better at sports. and asians are only worthy in sports if they overcome their suckass asian genes that make them naturally inferior." and god forbid! god forbid anyone mention other races that Exist.

i mean. if u want to read it i think outside of the [gestures to giant burning pile of flames that is. that.] i enjoyed reading it? but like. id say i probably wouldnt have read it if i had started it later in my life knowing this so i wouldnt have to deal with thinking about if its okay to consume this media but that feels like. cowardly. its flaws have me think about Things A Lot but also just. ew. like. the flaws are Flaws with capital F. im glad i Think About These Things cause they Should Be Thought About or else [gestures once again] but also :( :( :( :(

the story and manga is really special to me (once again. i cried ! ) but!!! gosh theres so much wrong with it hfmmd.fm.....

i hope this makes sense once again super sorry for typing forever i just havent been able to talk ab this with someone before

wow okay. i totally do understand what you’re saying it does make sense. and from what you’re saying i do believe that the creator probably didn’t mean for it to come off the way it did. it’s just unfortunate he went about writing on these topics this way. i think for me personally this might make me too uncomfortable to read then if i’m being honest. i’m glad that you enjoyed it when you first read it besides Those Parts though

[ahwait-no-yes]

so basically my friend told me today about her dream she had that involved a demon and of course my mind went “...SAIOU AU”

here’s our convo so it makes sense:

if I had the motivation i would DEFINITELY write a fic about this- the fluff/crack/angst potential is t h e r e

and as a bonus doodle,

story is under the cut (it’s long)

“I was gonna keep this in tags but hsdf;j” is what I originally wrote here until I started thinking about this more and sorta wrote the whole plot-

-> as ouma’s killing the other monster things he flirts with shuuichi while the poor demon has never been flirted with so he’s stood there all confused and ??? (his version of blushing would be like, the fire coming from his small horns gets bigger and brighter)

-> the one he summons ends up being like. kaede and they both just end up having to lecture shuuichi on why it is that he should not want to die so easily

-> eventually kokichi and kaede wanna give him a hug so they try to but shuuichi’s Extra Hot™ (from being a demon and also probably blushing) so they both immediately regret that choice but kokichi laughs and gives an obligatory pun about shuuichi being hot which only confuses him because ‘of course im hot?? im a demon??’ while kaede explains what ouma meant

-> imagine shuuichi crying (fire tears..) at the generosity of these two strangers who a) aren’t absolutely terrified of him, b) refuse to hurt him and c) actually *want* to help him and ouma actually inwardly understanding a little bc he’d never imagine someone actually wanting to be with himself either

-> saihara now wanting to know what it’s like to live as a human with ouma and akamatsu but being unable to find a way (except for maybe being undercover?) but promising he’ll bring ouma back to him (he’s aware of the whole aging phenomenon in the lil demon world so he wants to keep their time short) and ouma finding that now he has something to look forward to

-> the 👏 mutual 👏 pining 👏 that commences after they both have to leave each other (if kaede knows kokichi in the real world she’d definitely tease him a little knowing he has a crush- this is probably good potential for building oumaede friendship)

-> it takes a while before ouma and saihara can see eachother again because getting the two to escape without killing saihara exerted a lot of energy on him, but they do get to! about once a month to be safe, and they get to know stuff about eachother like which shops ouma likes to steal from and shuuichi’s really loud demon friend he once had (aka momota)

-> one day though saihara tells ouma that if he keeps doing this he’ll die of exhaustion (it takes a lot of energy from saihara to get ouma in and out of there) and ouma calling him an idiot but really being worried. saihara tells him not to worry about him even if something happens to him, and makes ouma go back to the real world

-> ouma doesn’t hear from him after that

-> he worries he might have been killed or saihara forgot about him and feels stupid for being so hopeful in something so childishly impossible and starts trying to forget about him

-> the real world is aware of demons cause people talk about them (and obvs you can tell when someone’s gone to their.. dimension thing because you can visibly see them age) so still denying that he’s curious and likes saihara still, ouma tries to go to libraries and do his own research on demons and ends up finding out that saihara specifically comes from a bloodline that makes him quite powerful if not for that he wouldnt want to take the risks that come with it and then lowkey gets excited again for saihara while still in ✨denial ✨

-> it’s been almost a year when saihara has enough energy (and more) to ensure that his new plan is successfully carried out and that ouma (and potentially 1 more..) gets back to the real world safely. he created this plan when he figured out how to exist in the real world- by sacrificing the thing he cares most about

-> so when ouma suddenly gets that off-feeling people get when they’re leaving the real world he feels very many emotions at once (giddily going ”ohh my god its not this it cant be this no way oh heck tthisis not happening not a chance”) until he sees the face he’s been waiting 4 months for again except this time it looks.. frighteningly cold

-> ouma’s instincts are screaming at him that something is very, very wrong here especially when he can’t hear any warmth when saihara says “Welcome back, Ouma. It’s your final time” and explains the whole ‘kill these monsters then kill me’ thing again

-> ouma’s confusion inevitably turns to annoyance as he kills the dudes (there appears to be a lot more than there was last time) and fires questions at saihara (‘is this saihara?’ ‘what happened to you??’ ‘do you even remember me?’) while saihara stays silent for the whole time thinking about how he really doesn’t want to be doing this. 

-> eventually ouma decides he was wrong (again) to have put his faith in a guy- a demon- he only met once a month.. even if said demon gave him something to look forward to

-> when he finally gets to saihara alone he internally notes that saihara cant look him in the eye, but he finally speaks to tell ouma that now either himself or ouma will now die (saihara knows this is for sake of the sacrifice, but he can’t let ouma know else it won’t work)

-> ouma refuses to fight him again, expecting saihara to snap back into the meek demon from a year and some months ago, but rather than that happening saihara actually says something like “if you won’t kill me, I’ll have to kill you” and swings at him

-> even if ouma was on his full guard, he still would’ve been surprised by how strong saihara actually could be when he tried to fight- and of course saihara can’t stop now that he’s started but ouma hears the hesitation when saihara asks “are you going to kill me yet?” and gets annoyed that the whole time he spent with him and even akamatsu meant nothing. saihara smiles sadly knowing he’s achieving his goal but ouma thinks he’s smiling at the thought of dying and gets somehow even more annoyed

-> during their whole fight, insert “I’m alone, Ouma, and I will always be” line from saihara, “No amount of talking can convince me otherwise, Ouma. I’m sorry it took so long, but it was foolish of you to trust a demon you met only once” or something and yes it hurts saihara too but ouma’s staying silent and before saihara can continue, ouma fires back with “You’re right- you are meant to be alone. You were always meant to be that kind of guy” and stops dodging to start finally attacking- this is when saihara knows he’s pretty much achieved his target: sacrificing ouma’s trust in him

-> just as ouma swipes at him, saihara’s lil spell thing is activated that takes saihara back to the real world, disguised so people don’t see him as a demon. but now ouma thinks he’s just killed saihara (I just attacked him. and he is gone. i dont know what that light was but i must have just killed him. oh my god im a murderer.”)

-> saihara hiding in the forest to do the lil spell thing again but on ouma (all the time he spent saving on energy was worth it) so ouma gets transported to the real world too and immediately runs to tell akamatsu everything that happened

-> saihara trying to find to blend in with humans from what he remembers of how they act but he doesnt need to particularly eat he just needs a heck ton of sleep so he basically just lives in the forest now. he’s very sensitive to water so he actively stays away from it too (it wont kill him but it does make him sick). he’s still feverishly warm but not scalding and he also decides to work at a store to fit in more

-> ouma regretting what he did to saihara even though saihara hurt him first and realising he misses him

-> saihara ends up accidentally bumping into him at the store he works at that ouma conveniently steals from a lot (”Ouma, you’d make a good demon” “Nishishi! What do you mean? I’m a perfect little angel!”) and saihara gasping when he notices ouma’s unforgettable purple hair and cute smile.

-> ouma finding something familiar about this awkward new staff with the cute face and deciding he’ll visit the shop more often to see this stranger and not because said stranger might help him get over his demon crush

-> then they get to know eachother again for the 2nd time, and as much as this guy is really cute, he clearly knows more than he’s letting on... so of course ouma’s gotta now pay even more attention to him. just so he knows what the guy’s hiding. not cause he wants to know him.

-> one day saihara is sick from trying to protect himself from the rain (cause yk, water bad) so he stays in the forest instead of coming in to focus his energy on getting better and also not blowing his cover. ouma notices he isnt there on that day and asks other staff members where he lives and they’re all like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

-> it rains quite a bit after that, inevitably making saihara even more sick and in turn needing time away to himself, so ouma starts getting worried when saihara stops coming to work

-> saihara really wants to see him though, so one day he tries to drag himself to work in a terrible state where he’s actually almost cold for once and collapses after trying to run to ouma. ouma sees him and tells his manager he cant work nd takes him home himself where saihara wakes up confused

-> ouma lecturing saihara because he worried him and the way he fell reminded him of.. someone (demon shuu).. then he asks vague questions to saihara about if he’s ever met a demon and half-confesses to having met one himself multiple times and ending up falling in love and then probably killing them

-> saihara, in his tired state, tells him his story of how he was raised to believe he had no purpose other than to meet someone who would kill him, eventually finding that person but instead of looking at him with fear or anger he looked at him with admiration and playfulness, how the guy meant to kill him refused to and flirted w him instead. ouma has probably clicked on by this point but saihara continues to tell him he wanted to protect that guy with the power he had so he took time away from his first ‘job’ to find out how to be with him. saihara is probably shaking at this point while he continues telling him about how he found out he had to sacrifice the most important thing to him, so he “went and had a terrible argument with him one day and i ran away. but i’ve never stopped looking for him since, he showed me that even a demon like me can fall in love” (there’s the ✨grand confession ✨)

-> ouma saw it coming from the moment saihara started speaking, but that didnt stop him from being utterly paralysed. of COURSE saihara has to say “When I said you’d make a good demon I really wasn’t lying. Your hand is so warm it could fool even me” which possibly makes ouma completely combust before absolutely bolting out the door and calling akamatsu to tell her to get to his house (”AKAMATSU-CHAN I’M GONNA DIE RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON’T GET HERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT THIS SECOND”)

-> while waiting for kaede, shuuichi explains that he needs to be Warm™ and immediately holds kokichi’s hold again, while the other’s having a gay panic.. and he doesnt know how to feel because on one hand, his beloved demon is.. right here, in the ‘flesh’, holding his hand, telling him he fell in love with him.. but on the other hand, that doesnt excuse the confusion and hurt he put him through back then, not being able to see him for a whole damn year.. 

-> ouma ignores all the feelings when akamatsu arrives where she’s brought water and blankets (just in case- i feel like shes the kind of friend who would do that) so saihara takes the blankets and ouma takes the water and she calms them both down and gets them to explain everything slowly and in their own time. its awkward esp for ouma who isnt particularly close with her, but they manage it in the end

-> they decide shuuichi literally cant live in the forest so of course now he has to live with ouma but akamatsu offers to help if it ever gets too much for ouma which obviously ouma denies. she leaves soon and its just them but ouma needs some time to himself to clear his head and he only returns late to see saihara asleep clinging onto akamatsu’s blanket with his life lmao so ouma sighs and brings him more. and if he kisses the sleeping demon’s forehead, nobody has to know

-> ofc its still very much awkward and it takes ouma getting used to having even just another presence in his home, let alone his sort-of-unofficial-demon-bf and saihara’s still sleeping a lot of the time but recovering

-> they probably establish their feelings for eachother properly when they’re more mentally prepared for it, and then 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 (they kiss) and are now actually legally boyfriends. i absolutely cannot let this end in angst so they’re happy and love eachother now yay the end

nngl. i talked about this with that same friend and I lowkey want to start writing an actual fic for it now that ive written... literally the entire plot, but if i do that it probably wont be out for a while bc i take 10 years to write lmao-- plus i hardly ever finish what i start so uh yeah.. but hopefully! im not even good at writing fic this is just the plot but yello

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[flowerslightning]

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

[ybhanrui]

so heres me again... scribbling through my thoughts about #TheGiftedEP6 i re-learned how to upload pictures now

i have a huge amount of love for Pang ever since because of his character thats why my initial reaction to everything that happens is how will this affect him. i can't even fathom the pain he's going through. seeing everything go down and blaming himself.

 i actually have a lot of thoughts more to process

but let me just prioritize Pang. he has this big responsibility in his shoulders and he always felt like he needed to do something for him and he's loved ones. the one who wears the crown, must bear its weight. it breaks my heart to see him down and feel so helpless. he has a lot in his plate with people really depending on him. he didnt want to be the leader/catalyst, but he did everything--more than what he can offer. please, be strong, Pang. hang in there.

second, GUN ATP ACADEMY AWARDS. this and the last EP really explained how trust can easily be ruined and how mistrust from each other can create destruction within the system. Khun Darin was a snake in her own. She took advantage of the growing doubt between the XV and purposely used Punn to start the division. She knew Punn’s abilities and though Punn was able to withstand her in the first part when he said something like “Whatever Parawet says”, the growing doubt and mistrust within the group fuel the fire for Punn to eventually fall to Khun Darin’s trap. While my friend and I watched the part when Pang didnt disclose his plan with Punn, i knew that its gonna spark the push needed for Punn to really switch. And also his potential is on a heat because of his fight with Claire - the piece that has been holding back all of his other personalities. I get Punn tho, Pang couldve really just tell but I also get the internal feud between the boys and girls in which Pang is in the centerpoint. Pang was placed in a very diff situation. 

third, FIAT ANGELO ANOTHER ACADEMY AWARDS. god the look of pure evil and no regrets get me every time. he was smiling like he didnt just stab Punn and gassed all his friends. the smile mom. he’s insanely good. okay, now for his reasons, do I get some part of what his point was, the totality doesnt really sit well. his method was really wrong and he wanted something radical but wrong. he wasnt satisfied with the system as it is thats why he wanted to alienate what he thought was the problem. you see the thing is, the system was the problem that Pang wanted to fix from the inside. But Korn wanted to remove something from the system which would create an imbalance nature. I hate Korn, his betrayal, and ideals so much but NOT the point of him dying jesus no--- not like that. 

next. an important part. aside from answering some of the mysteries, it was so nice and warm to know that Chanon was watching over them silently all along. and how the gifted juniors sparked a need for change in society. the gifted is really a family. it was like Chanon was this guardian angel looking at them from a far and ready to come and rescue (just like this) when its necessary. i really love this part. and can i just emphasize, his talk with Pang on CHANGE was very timely. and boi the relief i felt when some of the theories and unanswered questions were already finally explained. its been really hard to walk in a dark road and not knowing what you're finding. this shed some light to why are they doing what they doing. 

it also makes it a lot easier for us to process and digest things when you actually know whats going on

another one, tf you mean Time is dead? No that doesnt make sense to me. He isn’t dead, i can feel it. Theres no body or anything so no he cant be. We’re not having 2 gifted dead students here just to frame up Director Suport and force his resignation so the Minister and Darin could enter. no that aint it. i have my theories, which includes ‘Time’ and Wave. But let see where this goes.

last, and please. my darling Wave. Wave, sweetie, I know you're angry, confused, and hurt but please trust Pang on this. He has his reasons you know he does. This is a lot for you also but please don't leave Pang. You were always his shoulder and support system. He needs you most now.