#but honestly im struggling with double life

[itsdefinitely]

i'm still not over them

[wild-lavender-rose-musings]

I’ve been struggling so so much recently with lack of interaction with my work. Anyone who comments/reblogs/sends asks etc. please know you are the sole reason why creators like myself continue creating <3

[boywifesammy]

im sure everyone’s seen the argument by non-wincest shippers that canon weirdcest moments can be explained off as particularly close brothers. i’ve seen wincesties respond by straight up denying it, but honestly, i see where they’re coming from. they do TECHNICALLY have a point, yet still, it fundamentally doesnt sit well with me.

if you isolate all of these little incidents they could be perceived as purely brotherly. its got me thinking about what exactly makes wincest so appealing, and why i as a wincest shipper immediately have an exasperated reaction to people insisting that sam&dean are purely platonic.

i also see this argument frequently bundled with the stance that “weirdcest isn’t a justification for shipping wincest” (which is a whole other can of worms altogether— the puritan culture of ship culture rn), but you gotta take a step back and just ask yourself… why am i so intent on seeing these characters as platonic?

the prevailing argument ive seen is that siblings CAN be terribly close without being incestuous. this is totally fair. i’m not saying that if you are particularly close with your siblings in a sam & dean type manner that you are incestuous. obviously relationships between family is vastly complex & changes with the culture you grew up in.

the only problem here is that people try to go so far to explain sam&dean’s relationship as to not paint it as romantic. if they weren’t related, it’d be insane to think they weren’t romantic. they are consistently and repeatedly put in situations and exchange dialogue that’s used to convey romantic tone in western media. my point here being— the writers know that they are doing. and they are doing it INTENTIONALLY.

yes, certain cultures find extensive physical touch and kisses between siblings platonically acceptable. yes, you can be very close to your siblings without wanting to fuck them. but that is such a reach given what you are being presented with. you are missing the fundamental thematic point of supernatural: family horror!!

by so steadfastly arguing that sam&dean cannot be read as romantic you are purposefully ignoring the the text. you are glossing over the repeating themes of generational trauma and incest that are touched on time and time again, with john’s father abandoning him, mary’s parents being hunters, the struggle she went through to get out of the life but how family trauma & the past permeates itself into your being. you are ignoring the benders, the ghost pregnant with her fathers child, and the time azazel KISSED MARY in HER FATHERS BODY.

supernatural pushes incestuous themes SO HARD. it purposefully plays with & explores the double-sided blade that is family. it touches on a REALLY TABOO subject without being overwhelming or heavy handed. of course its going to attract people who enjoy these themes. OF COURSE we’re going to look at the two homoerotic brother leads and see something between them! it’s intentionally placed in the script! its a valid reading of the text!

this is why i get frustrated when people say that wincest shippers are twisting canon for the sake of shipping, because we’re not. when people say this they are taking a piece of media that is intriguing in how it handles a socially unacknowledged part of the human experience and forcing their viewing of it on others. they are saying that you aren’t allowed to enjoy those themes because it is inherently wrong or shameful to EXPLORE THE TOPIC. i dunno. that sounds pretty authoritarian to me.

it’s totally fine to be grossed out by incest or avoid wincest because it makes you uncomfortable. what ISNT okay is to say its an exaggerated reaction to canon, because it really isnt. in fact, its a pretty normal & sane conclusion to come to after seeing those two. the fact that they aren’t explicitly incestuous might even enhance this idea. it touches on the unspoken secretive nature of family trauma and the complicated, messy reality of crossing boundaries with blood without being cliche or overdramatic.

im going to incite occam’s razor here: yes, they could just be brothers. yes, you can explain it all away as particularly close siblings. yes, you can argue that it isnt explicitly canon. but really, why would you do all that when the show incessantly implies that they’re more? and more importantly, why are you so quick to say that a topic cannot be explored because it’s complicated? is that really the sentiment that we as a society want to hold regarding media?

[nenya85]

hi! im wondering how u feel about the reading that Atem coming back in DSOD ruins the point of his goodbye in the original manga ending

and how Kaiba's final scene with him also seemingly ruins the theme of "letting the dead pass on and moving on" cuz seemingly Yugi moves on (healthy and good!) and Kaiba doesnt (unhealthy and bad!)

i personally dont believe this but im curious what ur take is as a Kaiba head 😭😭😭

I don’t have an argument with how someone else interprets the ending of either the original series or “The Dark Side of Dimensions,” because one of the things that makes Yu-Gi-Oh! so special is that it resonates with people for different reasons.  I support people interpreting the story in the way that is most meaningful to them.  So, I’d rather focus on how I see both the series and DSoD.

The themes in Yu-Gi-Oh! that I really loved were its emphasis on the value of friendship and that it was okay to ask your friends for help, the importance of finding connection, even when it takes the form of rivalry and dueling, and the value of holding on to your life chip above all else. I loved the way Kaiba continually reexamines his own opposition to these themes and the even more destructive one that losers deserve death.  I also love the way, especially in Kaiba’s duel with Isis, the series explored both fate and the belief that it’s up to each of us to create our own destinies and I adored I how Yu-Gi-Oh! explored the effects of loss, abandonment and abuse through Kaiba and the other characters.    

The theme that the dead need to move on was not the theme I was watching Yu-Gi-Oh! for, so I was much less emotionally invested in watching that theme play out as the dominant one in the Ceremonial Duel.  For me, “The Dark Side of Dimensions” was a return to the themes of friendship and the effects of loss that I loved about the original series.

While DSoD does show different models of grieving, I really like how, especially in the original subtitled movie, it is very non-judgmental, rather than dividing it into Yugi = good and Kaiba = bad.  Instead, DSoD focused on how people deal with grief.  Yugi is trying to manage his grief in a way that is most considerate for his friends – never mentioning Atem to them, even when Jounouchi encourages him to talk about it.  I think it’s worth noting that Yugi had already achieved a measure of closure through the Ceremonial Duel, something Kaiba never got to have. 

In contrast, Kaiba not only fails the course in Socially Acceptable Ways to Grieve 101, he marches into the classroom, rips up the final exam and sets it on fire for good measure before turning over a table or two on his way out.  I found this really cathartic, because Kaiba was expressing the raw edge of grief and the movie treated this as real and gave even the harshness and ugliness of his feelings genuine emotional weight and validity. 

I also loved that given a choice between enforcing a pop culture version of the six stages of grief and pure wish fulfillment, DSoD doubles down on the side of wish fulfillment.  In real life we must struggle our way towards acceptance of loss because there is no other option.  Here, DSoD is giving wings (or a dimensional cannon) to our own secret desires to see our lost loved ones again, even if only for the length of time it takes to duel.  I love that DSoD narratively rewards Kaiba for his desire for friendship by letting him see Atem and having Atem smile back. I honestly found that lovely, very moving and ultimately healing. 

Kaiba is chasing connection through the medium of a duel throughout the movie.  And I can’t think of a more fitting ending for a Yu-Gi-Oh! movie than an affirmation that the of the power of unity is the most important thing in this – or any – dimension.

[raspbeyes]

Idk how hot of a take this is, but i don't really like kokichi's talent. Like ik the whole arguement of "did kokichi lie abt his talent?" has made its rounds around the fandom (i personally dont think it matters whether he lied abt it or not) but i think it shows how unnecessary it is to have kokichi be the supreme leader.

Kokichi is childish and makes frequent mention of the killing game being, well, a game. He mentions video games a few times, and most glaring, he loves to lie. Design wise, his childish appearance is very clear, but his scarf is obviously designed like a chess board. His organization is literally called DICE. Hell, while you can argue he "manipulates" everyone to do his will in ch 4 and 5, nobody liked him well enough to consider him a "leader". He's more a loner rather than leader. A solo player, if you will lol

Literally everything about Kokichi points to him being some kind of Ultimate Chessmaster or Puzzle Expert, something along those lines. And it would completely fit as well. His deductions point to the strategy he would need to win in intellect games like chess or checkers. His lying might be a skill necessary in social games like mafia or card games. His flippant attitude to people (outwardly?) and desire to win makes sense if he's revolved his whole life around defeating his opponents in a game. And it isnt some prestigious position like "strategist", as it still reflects his childish nature.

Hell the only way the dr crew could indicate "supreme leader" in his design is only in his splash art, where they literally try to cover their design up with a hat and cloak to seem convincing.

I get that danganronpa usually likes to subvert their ultimates' personality compared to their talent such as Hiyoko, Gundham, Nagito, Miu, and Tenko to name a few. But Kokichi??? Wow the guy who's been screaming since day one how evil he is ends up seizing control of the killing game im so shocked :000 Like sure he is childish and playful, very unlike a leader, but it's not a significant subversion.

Like it wouldve been more impactful/funnier if the seemingly childish character with a childish talent ended up proclaiming himself as the mastermind.

Tho it can argued it wont be as shocking of a twist when the character who likes winning games ends up proclaiming himself in charge of the killing game. But i think its at least better than the very on the nose supreme leader "talent". Like, to me, it's TOO obvious when kokichi says he's the mastermind that I immediately doubt it. Not to mention that Supreme leader is such a vague talent that aside of kokichi's unconvincing (albeit hilarious) reason of "cuz im evil muahahah very evil trust me" i dont see what more the talent can mean. He wants to rule everything so sure ig he'd wanna rule over this killing game. What else connects to his talent??

At least with a talent like puzzle master or something like that, kokichi taking over can directly correlate with his talent as a motive. Theres more explanation of how games thrill him, and that'd make sense with his talent. He can say how he's tired of playing and finally wants to secure his victory and be the game master. That can double onto his motivation as a life long puzzle solver. It can at least make more logical sense, thus making it slightly more believable that kokichi is really the mastermind, helping the impact when he's revealed as just another player.

There's a little more reverse psychology. It may be obvious he is mastermind material, but there is still room left that he may just be that way due to his talent. When it comes to the Supreme leader talent, it's so vague that there's no room outside of being the mastermind, and honestly, it becomes less of a red arrow and more of an obvious red herring.

Anyway this whole post was me struggling to find another way to not say "ultimate gamer" lol. Aside from chessmaster or puzzle master, i think of much lol. Ultimste Board Game Master lol???

[possamble]

do you think falin went on dates/potentially even hooked up with people periodically during those 4 years she and marcille were separated? i know you ascribe to has-been-pining-since-childhood falin (and tbh so do i), but i find it interesting that there were at least Two people interested in falin if we are to believe chilchuck's party relations chart. at the very least, she considered toshiro's proposal -- even if her intentions for doing so were rooted less in mutual interest and more in her fear of being alone -- and it makes me wonder if anyone else were to like... show interest in falin, what would the circumstances have to be for her to be an active participant/if she would've reciprocated if it was casual enough (because i can't see her getting into a serious relationship with anyone while she's still in love with marcille -- unless?)

i could see it going either way. girl who can't believe people could actually LIKE her that way because she struggles with liking herself (despite probably being the most beloved character in canon, though her ostracization in her hometown and the magic academy could explain why...... wait hold on i'M GETTING SIDETRACKED!!) vs. girl's first time being freed from an authority's expectations going a little wild at, well, a taste of freedom (plus a dose of delayed sexual awakening due to prior ostracization + "don't think of marcille like that don't think of marcille like that doN'T. DO NOT." double whammy)

idk idk idk! i find it SO interesting that she's so beloved in canon but is simultaneously very passive about it? i really love how a little creature explores what a more proactive falin could look like, and i'm super curious about your thoughts on what falin's love life would look like/if a love life would even exist decoupled from her newfound dragon instincts and marcille

honestly this is the one aspect im never sure about bc... i've seen other people establish that falin's gone and kissed or gotten involved with some of the other girls at the academy, or other adventurers. and i respect that! mostly bc it's a way of painting falin as more independent and mature than the canon material, and i can't knock that.

but i guess? idk. she was as clueless about shuro's feelings as laios was until he actually proposed to her. she also believed that she wouldn't get another proposal, so there's an element of her not realizing that she's particularly attractive. that, or she's... still somehow working by her hometown logic, which im assuming is the old "if you're not married by your teenage years you're considered a really bad marriage candidate for men" type thing, considering how much of a small town it was/the fact that she and laios already had marriages arranged from a young age.

an intensely auDHD woman, who has spent all of her independent life focusing on at least one person she was inseparably close to, not having had any romantic experience at the age of 23? that's very likely. personally i'd consider it more likely than the alternatives, but that's just my opinion lol

[transitioningpirate]

today - 03/11 - dates exactly one month since i've started t!!!!! i'm so happy and honestly so pleased with everything. i had a bit of a bad month (got sick, had a bit of a falling out with someone and then i got sick again) but seeing the effects it's had on me already makes me honestly so happy. and thinking about what's to come makes me so much happier!! it's been a while since i realized i actually was feeling excited for the long term future. it's amazing.

here's some of the changes i noticed:

same as the last list - hunger and thirst have increased a lot. the doctor says it's because of my metabolism, it's much faster now. this is good but also bad because i keep forgetting to drink water. this is something that i've always struggled with. before this week, i've already ended up in a hospital because of dehydration like three times. anyways, i used to live in an island, very used to humidity, and this year, for college, i moved to a town that's, like, over an hour away from the nearest beach. it's very very dry. and like i said before, in november we were hit by a terrible heat wave, and it all piled up: fast metabolism, heat wave, dry place, me forgetting to drink water frequently, and you guessed it: i ended up at the hospital yesterday :(. had to take some pain meds and some saline, but im totally fine now, and ill make sure it doesn't happen again!

so much more energy. i know i said this already, but it's crazy, seriously, i have so much more energy just in general, for everything. it's amazing. ive been sleeping better, eating better, working harder, studying more, it's crazy. my mood has increased a lot, too, actually, especially after my second t shot.

irritability, but i think this has more to do with my personal life. a bit of tmi here: i was seeing someone until not long ago but some not-very-nice stuff happened, and i asked for a break (with no intention of returning, mind you, despite what he so confidently claimed) and immediately after realized i very likely had an sdt for the first time in my whole life. for the record, this is the only person ive slept with this whole year, basically. so. yeah, i was stressed, you can say that. spent a bit of money on meds, and im already feeling much much better, but it definitely took me down for a couple days, emotionally and physically, and i honestly think my irritability came from that, but maybe t had a hand on it too? who knows

two friends of mine claimed im growing a moustache, but i dont think so yet. i already had a very thin very small moustache before, and maybe it's getting a bit thicker? i haven't noticed it personally except in one (01) picture i took with a weird lightning. im not sure... but i like to think so! maybe it's just starting to get thicker and it'll actually grow eventually!

acne. i bought a soap for my face specifically, and i use it everyday, sometimes twice a day, so it's not as bad as it could be, but it's definitely present. mostly in my forehead and my chin. it's easily taken care of, though, and doesn't hurt and barely shows, so it's whatever

my voice has definitely gotten deeper! not significantly so, but it definitely has, it's noticeable, and i love it so much. i love listening my own voice. i love listening to myself talk. i love it, love it love it love it so much. i record so much more audios on wpp now, i like hearing them back, i like hearing myself!!!!! it's the best. ive never felt this way about my voice before. im so happyyyy <3<3

it's so hooooot god i feel hot almost all of the time, everywhere it's warm and i sweat sooooo much. doubled my deodorant use and i have no regrets. it's not a bad thing, but it is mildly inconvenient sometimes, ngl. living in this hot as all hell town definitely doesn't help. ive wore more light and freeing clothes and it actually helps a lot, though. plus, my baby cousin's birthday this month will be a pool party, so im hella excited for that!!!!!!

if i can think of anything else, ill add onto this. thank you so much :3

[sezija]

Hello! I recently saw your art of Ghali, Drephl and Rleiph, and decided to finally try out making wiki pages! I plan on making all three of them before adding them, but I have a few questions on about them. (Im pretty sure that you wrote the fic, but please correct me if I’m wrong)

first off, the fic is AMAZING, I cried multiple times while reading it, and everything goes together so perfectly there’s too much to talk about so I’ll stop here before it gets too long.

1) On Ghali, I wanted to double check that she took the last name Shims, because at some point it refers to the family as “the shims”

2) on Frihl, does he keep the last name Shims, or take his husband’s name?

3) can I say that Rleiph has pale speckles in her physical description?

4) could you give me more insight on Ghali’s , Drephl’s and Rleiph’s personalities? I personally struggle with describing those myself.

5) are there names for Drephl and Frihl’s parents, as I would like for them to be in the relationships category.

6) same for Rleiph’s girlfriend. Also, does she have a physical appearance? I’d love to draw the two of them together.

7) WEREWOLF CENTAUR. Amazing idea. What does the kid look like? I know that they’re described as a foal, but WHAT IS THEY JUST HAD A WOLF HALF INSTEAD OF A HORSE HALF, OR A WOLF HALF DURING FULL MOONS. I would love to know things like their skin tones and hair color too. (And coat) also thank you for all these centaurs, there isn’t even a catagory on the wiki for them yet.

8) what kind of clothes does everyone wear?

9) I know that Drephl and Ghali probably just went to a courtroom and signed some papers, but I really want to draw Drephl standing on a stool with her under an arch, where they just hug. This is also so I can mess around with possible wedding traditional clothing during that time period.

10) what is the name of Drephl and Ghali’s grandchild? The werewolf one?

Thank you for this amazing fic! Loved the art you made, and this will be very embarrassing if you didn’t write the fic!



Putting this under read more;;

Ok first of all. omg??? that's so cool what the hell!!! i'm so happy you liked my fic so much???

1) Yeah, she becomes a Shims

2) I think he takes his husband's name (which i don't have yet)

3) I forgot to give her some white in her coat in the art lol, but i decided to work that in; she's born with just a brown coat, but some white speckles start appearing as she grows older :3

4) They honestly don't have much, yet; the style i wrote in makes it really hard to add Character and Personality other than just stated facts like "she likes hiking" and "she's a computer programmer", sorry

5) Not yet, sorry

6)

7/10) I want to give them at least 2-3 kids so i can actually make them all different, though i imagine they probably have 5-8 year age differences cus raising just one is chaotic and hard enough lol. someone made really good art of their kid!!! (i've come up w the names Phil, Lei, and Majil so far) (j pronounced like (consonant) y)

8) currently i've just been drawing them in some clothes from our time cus i haven't had the motivation&energy necessary to figure out the Fashion of their time, but i can say that the blanket??? dress?? things the centaurs wear is like. actual clothing they wear in their time period&place

9) I love that so much. also, it honestly makes a lot of sense for them to hold an actual celebration; your wedding is basically the only time in your life where you have an excuse to gather every single person you're close to in one place for a big party (aside from your funeral but uh. yeah.) their marriage was meant as the point where they no longer cared what anyone else thought bc they were so secure in their meaning to each other, so i love the idea of them going all out and then just hugging.

also behold! look what i found from way back when i was writing the fic :)

[m1d-45]

personally, i think morax and barbatos would look more like their statues. to me, their statues are a symbol of the peak of their power and influence among the 7 gods of teyvat. (plus their statues have definitely been around the longest out of all the other gods).

yeah there's the dilemma of them being recognized by the whole of teyvat but do they care? not when their precious creator is being actively hunted and hurt!

they'd 1000% use whatever styling power that has been granted to them to absolutely destroy the hunting parties. but okay, if the creator wants them to stay hidden then they can do it from afar!

like oh noooo the millelith have sent a party to hunt you? uh oh, a big rock just got thrown their way (dont worry, morax might be a god of contracts and war, but for creator's sake, he's only missed them by a foot)

freedom? fuck that, barbatos is fuming, if he can take another person's face and wear it, why (in theory) can't you? anyway, the knights of favonius are struggling against some absolutely dreadful winds, it's almost like... lord barbatos is against them.

side note: i think all the reflections turned human-ish, are all borderline yanderes, cause... cause i said so... yeah... yeah. thats what im going with.

- curse anon

“cause i said so” you got my vote-

like honestly. think about it.

they were originally summoned at all to defend you. their entire existence literally revolves around you, you’re the only reason they’re here at all. you made them, you gave them life, they live and die for you and you alone. when they’re fully split, do you really think that they’ll have a regular attachment to you? no!

also i agree that morax and barbatos look like their statues! like you said, their statues are representations of their power, it makes sense! what i’m saying is that since they’re archons—and i have no idea how reflections work in the nikki games—they don’t look human. like the shape is right, the clothes are right, but the ‘texture’ is wrong if that makes sense. like instead of being made of skin and bone morax is made of jade and rock, and barbatos is wind in the shape of a man.

and you know, you’re right! they probably don’t care at all!! morax is dead? no he’s not baby!! not anymore!! if the millelith have you cornered and you pull a handful of stones from the floor, throwing them into the air with a cry of his name, he’s showin up!! he’s not letting his double’s decisions affect him! fuck it!

freedom? barbatos hardly knows her. all he knows is that you were wrongly persecuted on his land, by his people, and for that, they deserve whatever’s coming for them. mondstat’s trademark calm weather? not anymore. good farming and peaceful agriculture? not if wind is tearing up the top soil, not if the animals are fleeing from the harsh winds, not if he has anything to say about it.

[disco-cola]

honestly still so depressed about everything I’ve seen and continue to see from Gaza but all of a sudden today my era struggle hit me again after i re-watched a year and a half in the life of metallica last night and now im just double depressed

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

“ the amount of times 39/40 year old john spent going Im Just An Old Calm Guy Now :) Who Would Ever Want To Be Twenty Again? This Is Good :) I’m Having A Good Time” Have you not heard fake it til you make it? 🥲 On a serious note I know people usually tend to fall on extremes ends of the spectrum with John’s state of being in 1980 (not you just in general); we either hear how he was absolutely miserable or had finally come out the other side happy and hopeful. Of course people aren’t linear so obviously it was never just one thing but if anything I think John’s Bermuda trip was a very hopeful indicator that John was capable of taking the plunge and of eventually moving on to a new chapter of his life where he exercised more self agency. He was so optimistic about his 40’s that I want to believe it indeed would have gotten better. Honestly I don’t think he and Yoko would have ever gotten divorced but I think their marriage would have only continued to evolve into something quite different than what it was in the beginning. I’m thinking of those marriages that are all but ‘officially’ open where they take intermittent breaks with other partners before they come back together again and so on. It already kind of seemed they were on that road by 1980 anyway and while May Pang’s account of John being anguished that a marriage could be “incomplete” aka monogamous, that was in 74 and despite Double Fantasy pushing that image of a reconciled marriage, that’s only a work of art and real life is something else. I love rpf btw lmao so if John ‘had love in his voice when he was angry’ but is now giving his ‘window smile’ this reminds me of an emotionally checked out John kind of reminiscent of how Cynthia described John being pleasant to her face but distant near the very end, and John being kind in Get Back but vacillating between engaging and sitting back.

just to be clear, when I said John reiterating he was happy and looking forward to the future was illegal, I was not calling him out for overcompensating (which he might have been) but pointing out that the amount of tragically ironic things he said just before he was killed is a bit unbearable to me lmao.

To me, John's state by 1980 is a bit of a mystery. My feeling is similar to yours: I think he was sincerely feeling good about the future – the fact he was creating music again, being productive after years of very little output, is indicator enough for me. I particularly agree with you that the Bermuda trip specifically seems to have been a turning point or would have been :(. What's much more opaque is how exactly he was doing between '75 and summer '80. I tend to feel he was relieved to have achieved relative normality – his life was clearly still Wild™, but he emphasized that he was able to just walk around outside undisturbed, which must've been a huge weight off his shoulders – and also still struggling massively with depressive episodes and addiction. It definitely seems like Yoko took on an extremely controlling role in his life, which I don't entirely blame her for because I think John was uniquely difficult to deal with in any other way (as Cynthia's approach to him kind of shows). I don't really think JohnandYoko were a healthy couple, but I do think their decade-long proximity alone was enough to make them both incredibly fond of each other, even after their initial honeymoon phase crashed and burned. Whether they would have ended up separating or, as you suggest, become extremely "pragmatic" about the boundaries of their marriage, is hard for me to say. John and Yoko were together not much longer than John was with Cyn (and if you subtract the Lost Weekend it becomes nearly identical) so I'm not sure you could for sure say they had passed some threshold where it would be "too much effort" for them to divorce – that being said, John was definitely more likely to make brash decisions at 27 than at 40+ and there were more sunk costs involved in his relationship with Yoko that would make admitting to his marriage to her being a mistake more difficult for him. (and, I do think John would find it very difficult to separate from anyone without initially deciding that it was all bad – that seems to be how his brain worked. But perhaps he had matured past that attitude)

Double Fantasy is so odd to me – the marketing and reception of it is so incongruent with a lot of the actual content. As you say, art isn't real life, but after listening to it a few times, I find it hard not to think John and Yoko didn't at least have a close-call, where they were on the verge of divorce. Or, if they didn't, it's wild to me they placed I'm Losing You and I'm Moving On on their tracklist in that way, because that's what those two songs together sound like. (though I guess, perhaps it was actually representing the Lost Weekend to them? though I'd count that period as a close-call lol)

Either way, the main reason I'm perhaps more optimistic about John in 1980 than some is he... Just seems by then to have become pretty self-aware. He hadn't resolved his mental issues but he understood them reasonably well, could describe them. And I think a lot of his issues – mostly extreme emotions – are things that tend to naturally settle down as you reach middle age, even when you don't get help. The depression was probably still a major issue, but the fact he was keeping busy when he died is definitely a promising start for dealing with that.

[pub-lius]

Goreg Washesaton for richie my beloved

so you may have noticed that this ongoing series of my research of "every historical figure" (/t) for @thereallvrb0y has been on pause for a few weeks and thats bc ive been STRUGGLING to find the rest of them, and i cant. so if anyone needs information on those people, i might just post the bullets from my notes bc im not doing all that work again FKSFKSH they still exist somewhere within my 3000 posts, but i cannot find them bc tumblr sucks <3 anyway, now for

George Washington (pt one)

Georgie was born at his family's plantation, Popes Creek, in Westmoreland County, Virginia, on February 22, 1732, a date that I have memorized for some reason when I don't even have my dad's birthday memorized (sorry dad). His parents were Augustine and Mary Ball Washington. Augustine was a very prominent plantation owner in the area, and also a justice of the county court, so he was a big deal. His first wife, Jane Butler, died and left him with two sons, Lawrence and Augustine Jr., and their daughter Jane.

George was the eldest of the kids from the second marriage. His other siblings were Elizabeth, Samuel, John Augustine, Charles, and Mildred.

The family eventually moved to another one of their properties, Little Hunting Creek, which would become Mount Vernon. They moved again four years later to Ferry Farm.

Augustine Sr. died when George was 11, leaving most of his property to the eldest sons from the first marriage. The remaining income maintained Mary and her children, and George would have been responsible for helping manage their plantation.

George never received a formal education since the funds for that were used on his older brothers. He only received instruction from private tutors. He would have studied reading, writing, basic legal forms, geometry, trigonometry, manners, penmanship, and comportment. I already made a post about his rules of civility, which was a big part of his education.

Mount Vernon, where I got most of my sources from on Washington, of course, has a lot of information on slavery, but I'm not really qualified to talk about all of that since I think it deserves its own separate research, but here's the link for that.

The Washingtons were, however, deeply entangled in the global "institution" (that phrasing makes me uncomfy, it sounds like a business yk). Washington inherited 10 enslaved people from his father, and went on to "inherit/purchase/rent/gain control of" more than 500 enslaved people.

Washington expressed racist sentiments up until the Revolutionary War, which greatly changed his perspective on the definition of liberty and who it applies to. He expressed wanting to free the enslaved people he was responsible for, but couldn't because of the backlash it would cause from him being an international celebrity. He would end up freeing the 123 enslaved people he was able to in his will (that's a whole complicated legal system designed to keep people and their families enslaved for as long as possible and it's honestly exhausting).

Anyway, back to the white people history. Washington got his first job as a surveyor, and it was the only thing he got formal training in. In the mid-1740s he got two surveying jobs (one of which was for a They were going to lay out lots within a large tract along the western frontier of Virginia, and into indigenous territory. He learned more surveying and gained important knowledge of the frontier (*foreboding dramatic movie sound effect*). At the end of the first day, he was shown "a bed of straw with one Threat Bear blanket with double its Weight of Vermin such as Lice Fleas etc. (sic)" He made a promise "not to Sleep so from that time forward chusing rather to sleep in the open Air before a fire. (sic)" This experience ended up being very important to him and getting him out of that cushy rich kid life (*another foreboding dramatic movie sound effect*)

His professional career began in 1749, and recieved a commission for the new Culpepper County (*insert Turn: Washington's spies theme song*), which was probably by the recommendation of Fairfax, who was working on the Governor's council. By 1752, he had completed nearly 200 surveys, totaling more than 60,000 acres. Honestly, I think that if he lived his entire life as just a surveyor, he wouldn't have gone gray in his 40's.

in 1753, Governor Robert fucking Dinwiddie that was this man's NAME in REAL LIFE learned that French troops had moved south from Canada to construct forts in the region south of Lake Erie, which was declared British territory. The area had commercial potential, and Dinwiddie was concerned that the French would fortify the forks of the Ohio River. So, he sent Washington, who was a major in the Virginia militia, to deliver a diplomatic eviction notice to the French in 1753. If that date sounds familiar its bc Georgie is about to have a few major fuck ups that you learned about in middle school. This was known as the Allegheny Expedition, but I have never called it that. It is and will always be the Ohio Eviction.

The expedition was aided by Christopher Gist and local indigenous people. They were escorted by O-non-dowa-gah (also known as Seneca) chief Tanacharison, two Haudenosaunee (Iroquois), and one from the Lenape (Delaware Nation).

This trip was rough. During the trip, Washington hiked for days through snowy woods, fell off a raft into the icy Allegheny River, nearly drowned, and had to spend a freezing night on an island without shelter on the 900 mile journey. I hate to say it, but this dad could beat up your dad. They reached Fort Le Boeuf on December 11, thank fuck. Washington's account was published by Dinwiddie in Williamsburg and London, giving him a reputation at the age of 22.

Despite all that effort, the French just ignored them lmao, bc like what's this little freak gonna do??? So, Dinwiddie dispatched Washington, now a Lieutenant Colonel to assert Virginia's claims a few months later with around 150 men.

They ended up skirmishing with French soldiers on the way, and killed 10 men, including the French commander, Joseph Coulon de Villiers, Sieur de Jumonville. The English under Washington (that's fun to say) retreated to a makeshift fort called Fort Necessity. Washington was forced to surrender when the French surrounded the fort with their indigenous allies. In those surrender terms, Washington accidentally admitted to assassination. This was the start of the French and Indian War, or the Seven Years War for my European fanbase (im so funny).

Washington resigned after that bc his dick was small and he was embarrassed. But, don't worry, his dick regrew and he returned to the frontier in 1755 to serve as a volunteer aide-de-camp (foreshadowing) to General Edward Braddock, who was kind of serving. Braddock had been sent from the King to drive the French from the Ohio Country.

A battle started near the Monongahela River (none of these places have easy names). There was a lot of confusion and troops fled in confusion back to Virginia. Washington was attempting to rally the troops, and had two horses shot out from under him and four bullets shot through his coat. Also Braddock died whoops.

Washington was given command of Virginia's entire military force. He was ordered to protect the entire 350 mile long frontier with a few hundred men, bc everything that happens to this man is fair. This provided him with very necessary experience in commanding troops in stupid ass situations. Eventually, the British took the forks of Ohio in 1758 and Washington retired.

He married our iconic queen Martha on January 6, 1759 and they kissed a lot. He spent 1759-1775 overseeing the farms at Mount Vernon. He constantly worked to improve and expand the mansion and surrounding plantation.

During this time, he established himself as an innovated farmer. In the 1760s, he switched from tobacco to wheat as his main cash crop. He experimented with new crops, fertilizers, crop rotation, tools, and livestock breeding. He actually had some hot takes, but I'm literally the only person who cares bc that shit is actually boring (in case you were wondering, chicken shit doesn't make good fertilizer).

He also expanded the planation to include flour milling and commercial fishing. THEN he built a gristmill, and then began making whiskey, producing over 11,000 gallons of rye whiskey at its peak. Mf slayed.

This era is referred to as the golden years, which I mentioned in Martha's post and everything is wonderful and fine and Washington is happily retired with his family :)....

SIKE time for part 2

[the-kipsabian]

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for today, i love you all 💜

im putting the rest under a read more, in case you wanna stop reading here, but um. trigger warning for suicidal thoughts

i tried writing this yesterday but it didnt come out right, but after dealing double with these emotions and then some today it feels like i can finally kinda put things into words that maybe make sense

i guess everythings just kinda hitting me very hard right now cause ive been 31 for four hours now and its just. in my brain right now that i didnt think i'd see this day honestly. like i had doubts about this even as lately as earlier this week. literally two days ago. so its kinda like. very mixed feelings. ive been thinking a lot about how i dont deserve this, deserve to be here, that im taking this space away from someone else. i dont know why, but its just how ive been viewing my existence lately

this year has been rough to say the least. yes i know ive had some incredible ups as well, but rarely have i felt like i deserved them in the end for one reason or another. ive struggled immensely, ive been going a steady downhill since the change of the year with no idea how to change it or when to change it. its been incredibly taxing mentally, and im just.. idk. oftentimes its just very overwhelming as youve probably noticed

it all just kinda came together today, with the previous thoughts as well as being largely ignored by my family today. like i know im very low contact with most of them, but when you have two people completely forget you and one only talking about themselves and asking when youre going to give them grandkids and start a family "since youre old now" it just.. sucks a lot. ofc this is beautifully balanced out by every friend thats been so wonderful today (literally had one busy friend jump into a voice call with us earlier just to tell me he remembered my birthday like... it means so much honestly) but. yeah. idk it just makes me feel like im at the age now where since i dont have life figured out im very useless and not worth their attention and..

i dont know what life brings these next 365 days. i really dont. all i can hope that it brings something that lets me keep going. its a tough topic for me to talk and think about rn but i feel like its better for me at this point to bring these out either way cause.. for whatever reason and somehow im still here. the fact that i saw through the entire day when i turned 31 just feels very significant right now. knowing i passed another safe point makes me feel safer tonight, no matter how much ive cried both good and bad tears tonight

thats all i think. just.. just wanted to get this out. i love you all, thank you for existing in my phone even if i dont talk to like anyone regularly cause im so mentally exhausted by just having thoughts on the regular its really hard for me. thank you 💜

[findroleplay]

hi! i’m looking for 18+ partners open to a long term mumu/doubling with a package deal of an mun that’s constantly dumping hcs, talking ooc and planning fit checks for their muses !

honestly ik this might be a long shot i’m severely craving a bakery/pastry shop mumu or something ‘the bear’ inspired. as someone who loves cooking and eating this show just amped my need for a cute lil bakery or restaurant slice of life with all the troubles and stuff. open to any pairing!!

please note that i’m a full time student and part time worker but i’ll at least reply once a week. i’m usually semi-lit to lit. it would also include nsfw, angst, comfort and maybe some mentions of mental health struggles. more triggers can be discussed through ims! like this and i’ll reach out as soon as i can <33

-

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too