#but i also reject all coping skills because Again: my mom fucked me up Good

[punkeropercyjackson]

Before i forget again,here's the Flowerghost(Jason Todd and Miles Morales)parallels + They are BROTHERS and Jason's a canon pedophile killer so fuck off if you ship him with canon minors

Black and red-coded

Genius'

Nerdy interests(classical literature for Jason,anime for Miles and video games for both)

Caused great controversy for taking over longheld mantles because of being minorities(Jason poor,Miles afrolatino)but are now widely beloved

Mama's boys and the mom's in question have brown hair and a deep grip on their cultures in a positive way when the writers aren't being ass

Can't flirt but have big rizz

Type in women is woc(Gwen is Miles' only white girl one and to me she acts more black mixed than anything else and imma do my own thing like Miles and say she's canon afrolatina + Jason's never shown interest in white girls fullstop and actively rejected Kory specifically because they deblackified her)

Poor social skills

Very similar sense of humor

The guy they're closest to is a black troubled kid who grew up in a dystopia but only let that make him kind and optimistic,an instigator and a freedom fighter on a team that all share a title(Duke and Hobie).Do not come at me with 'Hobie is Miles' older brother' bs though,that's Jason's job and Hobie is Miles' boygirlfriend

And the other person they're closest to is a black biracial girl with a ghost motif and abusive dad who's also a pastel punk,very sweet and tender but also has anger issues and no hesitance to get brutal in fights and is their counterpart yet also their foil(Stephanie and Gwen + Imma also do my own thing with Stephanie because people think she actually takes pride in being blonde for some reason + This is reverse of the above because i'm a Ghostflower lover and a J*ysteph hater out of reading comprehension)

Eh,i'm gonna say it-They're both afro-caribbean and nonblacks and gringos can't stop me since they love lying about Jason's canon traits but get upset when comics readers tell the truth about him and my take actually makes a lot of sense with him unlike theirs and i've got like every fellow afrolatino DC fan agreeing with me on it anyway

Autistic,adhd and anxiety-coded with trans swag that can be read in any direction

When they were 15,they went to a far off place to find themselves thanks to an important woman in their lives only for it to turn out she was betraying him and this caused a major shift in their narrative-Although Miles was lucky enough to have his be with good intentions while Jason's very much did not

Robin!Jason was a soft ray of sunshine boy like Miles is and Miles G is a goth asshole and a vigilante to cope with trauma like Red Hood!Jason is.He even has green eyes like he does which is very interesting and fitting difference

If we're being specific with Eras:Into=80s Batman,Across=A Death in The Family,Miles G becoming The Prowler=Lost Days,Beyond=Under The Red Hood and Spidey and His Amazing Friends=Wayne Family Adventures(but good)

Not quite the same thing but their animal variants are a cat and a dog so they match

This

[landofgay]

anyone else feel like if they stop being upset they lose

[blissfulalchemist]

4 and 24 for the angst prompts for anyone of your choice? 😘😘😘 BREAK MY HEART LICI!!!

Okay I don’t know how heartbreaking this is but I have done a little Lizette and John that’s canon. So please enjoy.

4. “Do you know what it’s like?” 24. “How much does it hurt knowing you lost me?”

I’m not sure why I ordered soup from this place, they didn’t even have my favorite one today. The spinning of the rice in the vortex from my spoon has my mind occupied as John sits across from me. He’s been picking me up from school more and more lately, ever since mom said he could see me whenever he wanted. It’s mixed feelings in my heart as I spend more time with him. We’re starting to run out of the basics to talk about, and I never thought I would feel this much anger towards him again. I thought knowing John actually loves my mom would help but it hasn’t...and that scares me a bit. I don’t want to end up like him. I’m not him. 

“How are the early applications going? Do you need any help with them?” John hasn’t touched much of his food either, he knows the inevitable is coming. 

“No I got them covered,” I’ve had them done for a month now. Just before he started coming by more often. 

“Liz,” he starts softly, like I’m a child. His child, “what’s wrong?”

I snort, “Nothing. Everything is fine. You just have to remember that I took care of everything on my own.”

He sighs leaning his arms on the table, “I know and I’m sorry,” he’s reaching for my hand before I snatch it away. His blue eyes look hurt, “You shouldn’t have had to do it on your own.”

“I have mom,” she’s all I’ve ever had but that’s starting to change too, “it wasn’t always perfect but she was there for me.”

“I wanted to be, Liz,” I watch as he restrains himself from crossing his arms, “I would have always been there for you had-.”

“Had you not been the leader of a deadly cult,” I cut him off shaking my head, “Yeah I know John.” My words come out shorter than I originally intended, but fuck him! Why did I ever want to get to know him? “I know how shit went down, it was covered in depth, the news outlets did a fine job of that,” drunk me was smarter, trying to protect me like mom did. I should have listened to Val that night, she warned me what would happen. The bowl is pushed from me a few inches, “I’m pretty sure it’s going to be taught in schools at some point.” It’s a straight lie, never could bring myself to admit that it already was. I never told mom how it was covered briefly, a footnote, an example that cults were still around in the twenty first century. Their only other mention was some of the students that chose them, Eden’s Gate, as a subject for their paper, college sociology sucked. Back then it was something that happened so long ago, felt like talking about the Mansons, and I did my paper on some other subject that seemed meaningless now. 

Looking back on that class now, the looks given to me during the presentations of said paper made more sense. They figured out who I was before I ever knew anything about my connection to them. Mom did a good job hiding it all and my brain did a hell of a job tuning out everyone around me. I’m sure the one therapist I had as a child would say it was a learned coping skill.

His jaw clenches and moves slightly to the left, “Well guess it’s good that you’re graduating early.”

“You really think that will stop the stares? The whispers?” I wonder if he’s noticed the looks from some of the older people here that would recognize his face. Or maybe it's from the scene I’ve started to make.

“Look, Liz, I understand that this whole situ-.”

My nails scrape against the plastic table, the small sound hurting my ears, “You understand,” my voice is low as I’m glaring at the table, “Really? That’s what you’re starting with?” I laugh looking him in the eye, “I don’t think you do. Tell me do you know what it’s like, what it’s really like to find out your life has been a lie? How mom’s vacations were because she had anger problems and nightmares about her time in Montana. Living without her for the first few years of life all so she can prevent social services from taking you from her forever. Or how ‘bout because of your sperm donor’s family mom actually resorted to being a murder and torturing people too,” I hiss the last part not wanting people to hear about mom. She could still get in trouble for it I’m pretty sure. The news of that from mom had sent me reeling, I stayed at Val’s for a week before I calmed down enough to come back home.

He looks down to his gloved hands sadly, “I didn’t know that wo-.”

“John do you know what it’s like to know that what the kids at school said to you turned out to be true. How much it hurt to be rejected for something you never thought possible, to think it was all lies because it was just easier to accept you were unlikeable.” I feel the lump in my throat form at those memories, “To have the permanent reminder,” I point to the scar on my upper left lip, “that parents told their children to hurt you because ‘daddy’ was a monster and so she deserves it because she’ll end up just like him.” I feel my arms shaking as my volume increases, “To worry that the only friend you’ve ever had in your life will leave because everyone else did once finding out you were the spawn of the devil,” “You’re just like your father! Nothing more than the devil. Devils produce more, no way around that.” Those words never stopped hurting, she was five when grandma said them as punishment, “How my own family decided I was too much to take care of while mom was sick because they all worried I would turn out like you!” My hand is holding onto something soft, silky as I continue, “The pain you’ve caused me and mom, how could ever possibly know what it’s like or even begin to understand it John!” 

I feel the water run down my face, noticing how I’ve become inches from his face. He’s silent, still, everything I had wanted him to be. Be the cold and calculating man people described him as and not the joke locals made him out to be, seeing his blank look now….i want the loud, over the top, dramatic man. Prove he was just putting on a show for me. Some false idea of him actually being a father. “Say something!” I’m glad that we’re outdoors as I yell in his face, my hand having hit the table. I look to see my other hand gripping his tie and shirt, just have to count to three, then my grip can loosen.

“What do you want me to say?” His voice is calm and unnerving to me. A chill runs up my spine. Is this how mom felt hearing his brother’s voice? His question stuns me as I no longer have an answer. My hand slowly releases him, “You’re right. I don’t know what any of that feels like. That I can’t begin to understand or know the full extent of what I put you and your mother through.” He’s smoothing out his shirt taking deep breaths, I see the anger management is working wonders, “I know there’s nothing I could ever do to make that up to you. But I’m trying Liz. I’m trying to be here for you now.”

I sit back down slowly, “Why not sooner? Why wait for me to find you?”

“I was respecting your mom’s wishes. Giving her space,” I can’t decide how much of what he’s saying true or not anymore. “I hurt her. I lost her,” he averts his eyes, “in more ways than you can ever know. I didn’t want her to leave but she turned into something I didn’t recognize. I just wanted the woman I fell in love with back.”

“Kidnapped,” the word leaves my mouth on instinct and he looks up stunned, “The woman you kidnapped back. The mom I deserved!” Everything is spinning and I don’t know how much of him I want in my life anymore. Is it even right to have him in my life? He’s committed so much wrong and I don’t know what kind of idiot mom was to fall for his tricks but she must have been kinder...softer. The mom I thought I had this whole time, a lie. An act. Someone that was dead and gone in his bunker surely, all by his hand. Everything in my life has been harder because of him, he’s the root of this life. 

I can’t think, everything is tangled and a mess. If my mom ever had a bleeding heart I must have inherited it to have played this game with him this long. I inherited his rage too, his old car was proof of that. There was no straight answer and I can’t live like this. I had a goal, a plan, everything was black and white, but now the colors are becoming muddled. I hate him and that’s all I need to know right this moment. 

My hand reaches for the warm soup bowl, throwing the contents in his face, “I don’t ever want to see you again.” I snatch my things, jerking the table, a glass of water spilling on him also. I regret that the soup wasn’t hotter, “Tell me John,” I tell him looking over my shoulder, “how much does it hurt now knowing you just lost me too?” I don’t wait for an answer, speeding to the nearest bus stop, jumping on the first one at random. People look away pointedly as I cry pulling out my phone calling the one person who’s never lied to me to come and get me.

[roxannepolice]

But yah rey as a character is just so frustrating you know? Cause like, yeah sure she could be complex with a powerful arc where shes forced to come to terms with the fact she wasted years of her life on self-imposed delusions in a cathartic way, or she could be a flat piece of marketing cardboard which Disney is banking on vagina+superpowers=profit without having to go through that persnicty character flaw overcoming or the like. Because like you said, hearing shes a nobody (which ngl, her assuming she was a somebody wasn’t really ever supported in tfa, just that her family was coming back and she desperately wanted them to) is apparently the worst thing but it changes absolutely nothing, not her approach, not her demeanor , if vaguely sad is the absolute worse a character is gonna experience in a goddamn space opera then yeah, full offense ill take the l on Mary sue discourse but her character will definitely be a boring ass wash. We all make fun of whiny new hope Luke but him being a kinda nuisance to both the audience and those around him is what made is transformation into full blown Jedi knight so powerful. With Rey so far what weve got is badass perfect cinnamon roll finally get her due as such, which is clearly working for some people, but I fail to see how that isn’t spectacularly tone deaf to make a protag in this genre such. Operas about drama, not patting you on the back. Rey (assuming she remains as is) would’ve been fine as a protag s the only piece of Star Wars media we ever got was a new hope. But rn she a chosen one architype (and I know that bunch of ppl are gonna go but the series ‘but shes not the chosen one, Anakin still is, the new series isn’t trying to make her one!’ but lets not beat around the burning bush, if u got a character that walks on water and the reason why is because god said so, ur dealing with a chosen one trope and if a character is star wars is made ultrapowerful in lore breaking ways because force said so? Yeah were dealing with a chosen one.) when we had both the deconstruction and the reconstruction done. Shes a straight hero when the success of the ot rest on hitting the formula near perfect the first time. What exactly is Rey, the individual character, bringing to the table? What makes her story supposedly so important the a perfectly good ending had to be made invalid to tell it? A bunch of ppl will say heroines’ journey! But if that’s the case I gotta say, wheres all the feminine shit? Im serious, if the heroines journey is reintegrating the feminine and realizing ‘oh shit mom had a point’ there where is both the feminine skills/coping mechanism and the mom? I mean I saw some ppl arguing for leia in a ‘reys Persephone!’ meta (she isn’t, you can make a much better case for ben himself as Persephone to be quite frank, yall are focusing so much on the trees ((girl gets abducted by guy)) that u forgot the forest existed, the actually story ((girl winds up queen on the underworld, well gee whiz which character just took control of that after leaving the world of living and a grieving divine mother behind, it’s a mystery apparently) behind, it’s a mystery apparently) ((but seriously though even if we hope for dark rey does anyone assume its gonna be taking control of a dark/dead coded org at least partially at this point, do you, do you really??). but given the fact she had what, one line of screen dialogue that’s breaking ur arm with that stretch. As far as skills go I guess you could make an argument for scavenging, but if that’s the case dlf did a shit job of conveying that as female-coded. Everything about rey in tfa seems deliberately androgynous, and yeah, she had her hair let down/mascara moment, but that’s tied to her ‘failure’ on the supremacy thus something nw.SPEAKIGN OF FAILURES ON THE SUPERAMCY AND LACK THERE OF. I find it kind funny that bunch of reylo bnfs (you know who they are) are all ‘hur dur fanboys/antis are dumb and don’t get story structure.’ And then going, ‘why are yall asking how/assuming rey fucked up in throne room/climax of her story in the second portion/darkest point of her character arc? Why do you hate women/ur own ovaries so much?’ because it like walking into a prefurnished house and being told by the relator ‘HERES THE LIVING ROOM’ and having no damn couch. It’s a living room, I expect a couch here. And in a movie where it’s the low point of a character arc and they drag puppet yoda out to tell me the movie is about failure, I expect a damn failure in whats clearly the climax of the characters arc for this movie. As it stands now there are three possibilities imo. 1st, rey had no failure, she is the pure badass maid o light ppl want and every inch the boring cardboard she is accused of by fanbros, remains static, and is relegated to an also ran to benlo taking the most compelling character trophy this trilogy in 10 yrs2nd possibility and the one im hoping for, failure speech wasn’t just thematic explanation but also foreshadowing, rey fucks up big and dramatic in a way that makes her manage to stand out as unique with both her contemporaries and her predecessors(last part, if its ever to much lemme know pls im sorry i just gotta get it out) 3rd and most likely possibility, rey isn’t the main character, benlo is and that’s why his failure both moral in the throne room and logistic on criat take center stage for the last third or so of the movie. Rey is merely a pov character to tell the dramatic villain protag story they wanted and have their very marketable unproblematic Disney heroine cake too.

Ok, so this discourse kinda died down by now, but thanks to that it’s possible to maybe have a calmer look at it I’m totally not trying to justify my late response.

Anyway, the good result is that quite recently my brother, who’s not overly taken with Rey - or the sequels in general, for that matter - said something which really stuck with me as a possible crux of the problem: 

She’s neither comical nor tragical. Just bland. 

This neither comical nor tragical really struck me. And the more I though about it, the more it was appearing to me that this qualm really applies to the sequels as a whole. The thing is that DLF are essentially telling a straightforward story that they’re trying to make captivatingly convoluted. And not just make, but keep this appearance over four years. And this is... a narrative teeth crasher. Like, when you’re honest about the endgame (in the context of the most structural meanings of comedy and tragedy), you can maintain a decorum, though you can also play with it, of course, whereas when you don’t want to be honest about the endgame, you end up mixing the styles somewhat messily. You can’t break or discuss with the rules without acknowledging them, so to speak. Because the originals were honest about the happy/hopeful endgame (the first episode is title A New Hope ffs), they could allow themselves deeply tragic moments like Larses’ deaths, Han getting frozen, destruction of Alderaan, etc. Because the prequels were open about being a tragedy, they could allow themselves lighthearted comic relief for the sake of lighthearted comic relief. 

The sequels... badly want us to consider the possibility of FO winning and Ben dying unredeemed while simultaneously insisting we root for those things not happening, while appearing conscious we’re definitely not buying the former and the latter only somewhat. And it’s tiresome. Dishonest. And indeed, bland. If the story is a tragedy it will be a bloodcurdlingly real one, if it’s a comedy it will be a borderline grotesque one. 

But yeah, returning to Rey, I guess as the main character she’s a lens which focuses the above problems. A very bitter tragedy of what her parents did t her prevents her from being comfortably comical whereas whoohooos I like thats and prancing like a husky on red bull over idols and visions because it’s for children so it must be hopeful prevents her from being intriguingly tragical. So I guess the intentioned effect was tragicomism but, from pov of an engaged casual fan that is my bro, it’s neither. 

As far as Rey’s heroine’s journey lacking some of the usual elements, I blame it on Disney being... a bit too ambitious, maybe. I think they tried to make a heroine’s journey that isn’t ostentaciously seeped in traditional feminine/masculine traits, maintains the structure without what could be called accidentals. On the one hand, I would point out that hero’s journey has pretty much desexualised itself over time, we are rather accustomed to “shero’s” journeys, but on the other... maybe Disney set out on a too novel a territory and may crack their teeth on it, alongside trying to out-Vader Vader at redemption. To elucidate, “toxic femininity” in which a heroine is supposed to find herself in the beginning of her journey, in Rey’s case is uprooted from any of our usual concepts of feminine-masculine social roles (it’s space, duh). My interpretation is that Rey’s version of toxic femininity kind of exists in contrast with Kylo Ben’s version of toxic masculinity - and since the apparent focus of the story is the attitude towards the past/parent figures, toxic femininity would mean her clutching onto the past. Which is why I predict that some act of IX will find Rey inebriated with apparent success in masculine world, meaning she’ll be the one rejecting the old gods this time - and I would point out that panel in Poe comic where she shows herself more sceptical towards idolisation of past don’t mind me, I’m just expressingmy trash dreams for a proper sith lady Rey.

Then again, Rian Johnson said she already found perfect balance between Luke’s clinginess and Kylo’s rejection of the past, so... idk, maybe I’m giving DLF too much credit again.

As for the Persephone thing, I guess the rub is that this reylo reading focuses less on the traditional reading of the myth (where Demeter is the actual main character and Kore is a Princess Peach MacGuffin) and more of an interpretation of it as one of the eldest (at least in Europe) versions of story depicting a transition of a girl into a woman, making Persephone more of a protagonist. 

Like, y’know, this Persephone (D. G. Rosetti, source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proserpine_(Rossetti_painting))

I’m no expert, but myths can lose their original meanings because of power relations (anyone still remember about Dionysus, the god associated with excessive drinking, going through a very Christ-like death and resurrection?) and I think it’s possible that this is the case with the story of Persephone becoming a pre-scientific explanation of seasons changing over the year. So teah, that’s how I always understood the Persephone theme regarding Rey.

But yes, I must agree that I’m confused about Disney’s handling of the mother figure, which... Look, SW became a legend of a modern myth because of how epically Lucas handled the hero dealing with his very explicit father. So yes, I don’t understand what exactly is their game with Rey Nobody from Nowhere in this regard. It’s one thing that they had a cool idea with giving her no lineage, another that parent figures are an essential element of archetypal journeys and from symbolic viewpoint the case of a female character the biological relationship is even more crucial than in male’s. And I swear to all the ewoks and porgs in the galaxy, I do hope Disney’s idea of Rey healing the mother/daughter divide isn’t through her healing the divide between Leia and Ben. Again, this isn’t the idealistic sphere. Just... no. 

Anyway, I still maintain hope (this whole meta blog is built on hope) that Rey will indeed turn out to have a proper personal mistake which will make her stand out in the saga. I do have to admit, though, that I find your last theory very likely. I mean, even when I read all the reylo metas going oh, Rey is going to have such an exciting arc in IX, she has so much to deal with though of course it’s not going to compromise her morally, it will be sooo exciting, I just... f*ck’s sake, what you’re describing isn’t a dramatic character only a dramatised role model. It’s great if that’s your thing, but don’t claim it is space opera-worthy, in operas people drown themselves because of cursed sailors, kill over a break up, decapitate over a bad dream and get dragged to hell over a dinner, not persuade their fallen lovers to change their ways, let alone patienly wait for them the understand the error of their ways (and if they do it’s doomed to end in someone dying).

[stitches-for-solo]

Why Is It...

...that I can’t accept that something good might finally be happening? I can feel optimistic for a little bit, but then my brain starts chiming in, usually asking something similar to “how stupid/delusional/high/foolish/out of your damn mind are you? You can’t seriously think...” 💭

...and my cynical side usually ends up winning. I feel defeated. A lot. I’m not really sure how a sane person can disagree and fight so much with themselves, but it seems to happen to me quite frequently.

I’m feeling extremely frustrated, restless, and sick to my stomach tonight. I have never been great at calming myself down or letting energy out in a healthy way. It’s not so much that I don’t try, it’s more because I just don’t know how. After all the therapy I’ve been through, you’d think I could have figured out something that works for me by now, but no. I’ve always thought therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, and that everyone could benefit from it from time to time in some way, even if they’re perfectly (mentally) healthy. It was my opinion that therapy shouldn’t be reserved for struggling through tough times or a personal crisis. Now, I’m not so sure. I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to show for it, which I’m sure would most likely be attributed to lack of effort on my part, but that’s simply not true. Maybe my frustration and confusion come off as apathy and stubbornness — and my mental and physical defects don’t help say otherwise (even though they should. I got kicked out of treatment years ago because I was having severe neurological problems, and my AA sponsor quit working with me because I had a panic attack in front of her and it freaked her out. Actually, I think she was more pissed than anything because she took time out of her day off to meet with me. She also didn’t understand the first thing about anxiety and questioned me continuously if I was ready to work with her, because she didn’t want to ‘waste’ her time. I was ready — so in reality, she wasted my time.) But as far as therapy goes, I tried to make my goals perfectly clear, but my sessions were always steered in the wrong direction. I want to learn positive coping skills. I need to learn positive coping skills. All I’ve known my whole adult life is how to get drunk to the point of not caring, and that can’t happen anymore.

I used to be a really open person. I didn’t mind talking about personal things, in fact, I was happy when someone expressed interest in me. It made me feel real. I still don’t mind sharing things with others. I truly don’t, and you never know who might be going through the same shit as you, or who could offer advice or suggestions on how to approach things in a way you hadn’t thought of. So that hasn’t changed; I’m still an open book. Ask away. I’ll talk about anything. What has changed is that now I’m finding that I’m afraid to share. I didn’t really care before, because if someone didn’t like what I had to say or something about me, they could fuck off for all I cared. I didn’t like myself and I really didn’t care if anyone else did either. But it’s different now. I’m scared of being judged, chasing people away, and plain old rejection. Oh, and being misunderstood. Sometimes trying to explain my emotions and how/why I act on them the way I do is like trying to explain calculus to a baby. I don’t get it, so how the hell is someone else supposed to get it? I feel like the more I talk, the more distant people become. And maybe it’s in my head. I’ve always been nervous about being rejected — that’s not new. But I don’t want people to think I’m nuts.

I became so isolated when I was living by myself with R & S (they were the responsible ones in the apartment). Rarely did anyone come by (most of the time when someone did visit, it was a disaster), and rarely did I talk to anyone, outside of one or two close friends that both live far away. However, I don’t consider myself desperate, so that’s a step up. For as much as I have a hard time believing any positive things people have to say about me, I think if I got up the courage to really put myself out there, I could meet a handful of people. That’s all I’ve really ever needed. Yet, at the same time, I feel like it’s a mistake to even be writing this. I fear someone is going to read it, or older entries, and think “this girl is insane”. Maybe I’m not ready. I want to be.. I want to be so badly. Before, I didn’t care. I accepted my misery as just being the way my life had to be, and I stewed in it for years. I’m trying to turn things around, but it’s so much harder than I thought it was going to be. There’s always something. Life dealt me a shitty hand, and I don’t want to focus on that anymore. Life dealt lots of people shitty hands. I have to learn to deal with it, and I know there’s plenty of people with greater problems than I can even comprehend that still wake up every morning, go to work, come home, unwind, and are in bed by like 11pm. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep that early. Hell, it’s almost 3:30 and I don’t feel tired at all. Ugh. Well, maybe I’m barely starting to feel it..

My mom and I got in a fight today. I think she misinterpreted something I said and refused to talk to me about it, even after I let us both cool off for a few hours. I don’t know why, but I seem to have the worst luck with trying to do adult things on my own. Again, it’s always something, but instead of sitting here, bitching about it, I just want to know what I can do differently so it doesn’t happen again. I’m starting to hate complaining. I never thought I’d see the day.. Anyways. This particular incident involved a huge ordeal with my idiot dentist office(s). I think there was a misunderstanding about my intent and expectation with medications, which, I guess I deserve. I don’t have any ulterior motives and I never wanted or expected someone to supply them for me (other than the dentist himself) — I just don’t want to be in pain. But I guess I understand why I can’t be trusted with certain things. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I did it to myself, I know, but I’m trying to prove that I’m not like that anymore. I know that’s going to take a very long time, though. And speaking of my mother, we’re not getting along and it’s getting worse and worse every day. It makes me sad, knowing I’m such a burden to everyone around me. We’ve never seen eye-to-eye, and I’ll always be the black sheep of the family, or the elephant in the room, or whatever. If I knew how to fix it, I would, but I don’t, so I can’t. She can’t see me as anything but a child and I won’t accept anything less than being treated like an adult. I’m not blaming her. I think it’s equally our faults, but I don’t really see a lot of effort on her part. I know she resents me for how much my dad and her have had to help me. I’m not trying to bash her or say she’s a bad mother or anything like that. I just wish we got along. I was so upset about it earlier, I was actually crying. I used to cry all the time, but not anymore. Maybe I just have a stone heart. But it’s probably much more likely that at least some of my meds are working.

One last thing. I hate the feeling that I’m being lied to. I know some things aren’t my business, and that’s okay. But just be honest and say that. I may be a teenie bit upset by that response, but it’s a hell of a lot better than lying to me. I’d rather appreciate the honesty than have to be resentful over something that isn’t true. And when I feel like someone is being deceitful, I can’t get the thought out of my head and it drives me mad. (That’s not directed at anyone, just a general observation. I’m ready to post this and go watch tv.)

Whew. Apparently I had a lot on my mind...

[doctorbee]

Bee makes an appearance and gives a life update (and then disappears again)

Hello.  It’s me.  I’m still alive.  I still barely ever get on tumblr.  My life is hectic.  But in case you were wondering, here’s a brief update on my life:

Continuing to work in autism research.  In September we were awarded one of 5 prestigious and huge NIH grants given nationally for autism research, in sum setting us up to launch 3 new research studies with about $12 million.  I am now the manager of 5 research studies.  Our new ones aim to understand and treat comorbid anxiety (using treatment plans specifically designed for autistic kids) and another to understand early brain growth and enlargement from a cell and molecular level to brain structure to behavior.  I continue to not talk about my work on social media much in part because the majority of cool stuff and cool people and kids I see is HIPAA protected.  I’m also crazy crazy crazy busy.  Oh also I told my primary boss a few months ago that I deserved a promotion and he and my two other bosses all wholeheartedly agreed and gave me both a title promotion and a 9.5% salary raise.  (This is so much different than grad school when my boss told me I was incapable and not smart.... Everyone here loves and supports me???  It’s cool.)

My dog is the love and joy of my life.  We’ve just completed 5 months of beginner obedience training (it’s a 1 month long class.... we just repeated it 5 times).  He’s improved so much over the past year that I’ve had him.  He still has some anxieties, but he’s really learning to be good and overcome his fears.  This month we will be starting intermediate obedience and next month we will start formal agility training.  This dog can fucking FLY so agility is going to be awesome.  He’s also the cutest dog in the world and is goofy and his tongue STILL doesn’t fit in his mouth.

Supergirl and I continue to be your favorite ginger femme lesbians.  She had a whole bunch of both mental and physical health problems over the past year but she’d been working really hard of recovery and I’m so goddamn proud of her, you would not believe.  She’s still far away but our ability to cope with long distance is decent and we continue to work on a plan to move her to California, hopefully sometime in 2018.  I visited her for New Years and Pennsylvania was fucking COLD AS HELL so next winter we really gotta get her out here.

If you followed along with Bee’s Family Hive at any point, just FYI, Munchkin is graduating high school this year... So that’s weird.  But she’s still awesome, just like weirdly grown up awesome.  Still like the size of a pinto bean though.  The rest of my family is mostly good, my brother is a disaster, etc, etc, etc.

My rent is increasing and it’s sparked a potential moving up of my life plans and while I originally planned to buy a house in 2020, I’m seriously looking into buying a house this year.  IT’S WEIRD AND ADULT.  I’m also planning to hopefully buy something that’s large enough for me to expand in so I can eventually round myself up some children.  (You guys, there are an estimated 600 queer kids in the foster system in my county so like... it’s totally reasonable for me to get a 600 bedroom house, right???  HI KIDS IT’S YOUR MOM BEE SHE’S INSANE BUT ALSO LOVES YOU A LOT.)

I’ve also been trying for the past 8 months to get an ADHD diagnosis.  As all of these demands at work continue to grow, a pattern of symptoms that I’ve been experiencing throughout my life has escalated.  (They’ve been escalating since high school, and particularly had an effect on my ability to function in grad school, but have always been overshadowed by either comorbid mental health issues like anxiety and depression or just masked by what my new therapist called “an abundance of compensatory mechanisms”.)  However, a mystery “they” of my health system keeps rejecting all my attempts to get properly assessed.  My therapist is on my side though and I’m going to keep working with her to see what we can do to get me help.  She did get me into an ADHD skills class that doesn’t require a diagnosis (loophole!) that starts next week so we’ll see how that goes.

As always, if you’re someone I’ve known for a while on tumblr and you want to stay in touch with me now that I’m not really around here, please please shoot me a message and I’ll give you my alternate contact.  (Also I do OPEN tumblr at least once a week, so like you can always still just message me here?)