#but i know that my eating disorder can get outta hand REAL quick

[gayboybeetle]

I always feel weird when I accidentally absent-mindedly say "oh shit I forgot to eat today" and then my friends get all worried and offer to buy me food. like, dont get me wrong, I feel cared about and I get warm fuzzies, but like,,, I get all embarrassed that they feel like they have to take care of me so I don't deteriorate

[blushyeddie]

chubby eddie headcanons!

brought to you by my beautiful girlfriend @richiebubba (* marks) and i (- marks)! just some little storyline on beautiful eddie and his pudgy tummy. (keep reading)

- eddie was born (slightly) prematurely. “a whole two months, isn’t it a miracle?” his mother would boast at their neighborhood’s annual Easter dinners. the seat count each year would slowly wither down to only close (pitying) friends after his father’s death. sonia preaches that it’s because the others are far too anxious to be around such a poorly behaving child, but eddie knows it’s because frank was the only endearment to the kaspbrak house.

- “i’m so sorry, mrs. rosi. he’s never usually this rude! i’ll have to set more ground rules.” eddie had only said ‘no’ to her off-putting mash potatoes. they resembled a cat’s hairball.

- growing up, he showed trivial symptoms of his earlier birth like a disproportionately large head compared to his tiny feet, and a generally low body temperature. sonia was always scribbling these symptoms down, measuring his height religiously every morning and afternoon. he’d always been healthy though, only spending about a week after his birth in the hospital. as he hit kindergarten, his growth spurt grew out... rather than up. standing 3’5 and sporting love handles that stuck out the back of his shirt, he was shoved into public school, meeting richie tozier. a savior in some sorts.

* public school saw eddie kaspbrak holding hands with richie tozier on the hopscotch chalk before lessons every morning, and leading them soft right up to his tummy; just the pouchy part that didn't fit in his polo shirt. the bubble had burst.

* eddie hadn't ever thought anything too bad about that little body of his up to this point, or the number of hairball potatoes it ran on. the bubble his mama had kept 'round him growing up had once been enough to keep magazines and pink tv comedies and even the gossiping of other moms in derry totally alien to him. to keep a body as only what carried your soul until it was all ready for heaven: two legs, hands, arms, a head, and right over the very core of it, a tummy.

* if you weren't careful with it, your body could carry not only your soul but a whole load of sins as well, eddies mama started telling him once his first semester had gotten well underway. it could carry chocolate ice cream and potato chips and strawberry lollipops, and now that he was getting older, almost old enough to be thinning out, sonia kaspbrak was getting obsessed with this. "you ask mrs. tozier how much sugar she puts in her cookies, for your ma, and i'll write it down here," she'd say, scratching down all his calories for that week as he took his sunday night bath. "too much, i'll bet. i'm surprised that boy of hers doesn't turn out sick as a dog...dontchu have anymore."

* eddies growth continued on that funny out-not-up path as his age got closer towards double digits and his mama's hostility towards it grew stranger, more strained. she'd never shout at him or smack him on the bum like she might if he broke something or grazed his knee, but sometimes she'd cry when she took his height and weight at the end of the month, and it was the worst thing ever.

* sonia never bought his clothes any sizes bigger either as her growin' boy was really starting to need, in fact, eddie sometimes had bad thoughts she might actually be getting them smaller. just so she could start crying all over again when eddie couldn't work out why his t-shirt sleeves were leaving little, sharp red ridges on his chunky arms, and keep on yapping at him, "what'd i tell you, eddie? what did your mama tell you?!"

- come swim class nearing middle school, when the boys grew rotten and smelt like Axe spray and their fathers' after-shave, he realized he didn’t want to take his shirt off anymore. the other boys’ metabolisms were hitting their peaks and eddie grew selfishly jealous of their tucked in stomachs and bony knees. it wasn’t like they hadn’t noticed either.

- “you’ve been fillin’ out, eddie! whatchu hidin’ in that bag of yours?! think we outta put a stop to this, huh?! would hate to have to tell your mother you’ve got some sorta food stash.” chad, the loudest of the bunch, would cackle. the echos in the locker rooms bounced ‘round with ‘fat’, ‘chubby’, and ‘someone grab his shirt!’.

- he’d never developed an eating disorder like the boys would crudely suggest, though. he’d miss his macaroni nights with mama and candy splurges filled with sour patch and fizzy pop rocks at richie’s house, the only place he was allowed those treats. he just felt pudgy. a bit too large in the belly, thighs forcing his speckled knees apart as he plopped down in the plastic staticky chairs at school, and shorts never quite making it up past his muffin top.

- when the coach introduced a mandatory ‘no shirt’ policy while swimming, eddie had hidden in the locker rooms, barricading himself behind a bench, his highlighter-yellow lunch pail, and his matching backpack in hopes they’d assume he’d gone to the nurse’s office or somewhere else “sick” boys resided. he’d cried harder than when he scraped his knees flying down Lily Pond Rd on his bike too fast. harder than when his pet rock went ‘missing’ and his mother was unusually complacent

- “ma, where’s mister pebble?!”, he’d cried from the top of their broken staircase railing. his mother hand fallen back into the wood and broken the damn thing right off the hinges.

- “keep looking, honey!” she’d called back, knowing fully well that googly-eyed rock was sitting on the bottom of their aluminum trash can. she couldn’t let eddie get too attached. she’d always been frightened of the idea of her baby eddie loving anything more than her. he had a delicate heart after all. the doctors said so.

* it was richie's tickly hands that managed to get him out from behind that bench, richie’s hands and two or three of those famous sugar cookies from his ma that eddie was starting to have bad dreams about. richie still liked to touch at that little pouch when they were eating their lunch at the end of the field, where none of the other boys would come and try and rope them into any of their mean games, and sometimes he'd sing silly songs while doing it.

* when eddie seemed too shy to play like this today, richie leaned close with mud on his lip and just told him very quietly, "i think i know your secret."

* "what are you talkin' about, nene?"

* "you know...what you were so upset about when the coach said you had to take your tee shirt off. and you don't have to spill any of the details 'cause i appre-shate it's top secret, but...i know you are a mermaid!"

* richie had put a lot of thought into this, funnily enough; he knew a lot about faeries, dragons, pixies, and unicorns- so much his mama had to make him do special breathing patterns and drink a glass of water when he started talking 'bout this with too much gusto - and mermaids apparently weren't all that different. "their skin is sparkly and nice to touch, they're good at all things, they're very kind and if they take off their clothes in the water their tails will spring right out," he'd explained, using eddie's tummy today as a rest for his big, green fairytale manual instead. even drew a couple gel pen mermaids on the freckles of it to show him, ‘cause he drew there a lot at their sleepovers to keep himself from fidgeting. usually cats or rocket ships.  "s'a big no-no if you let all the humans know...kicked out of atlantis for good, bubba. so like i said, don't worry 'bout the details."

* and eddie’s heart had never healed so fast!

* richie's grand theory also came with a solution, too; a cherry-red swim shirt made of nice, clean lycra, presented to eddie with a wobbly flourish in maggie tozier's holiday drawer. turns out they went on lots of expensive beach holidays with richie's dad's paychecks, and even that richie tozier wasn't all that fond of taking his t-shirt off either, but for different reasons. he got bad eczema all over his middle and it left lots of itchy scars and pimples in the driest parts. "it's not a shirt shirt so i think it'll be allowed. keep your tail in too, i promise," he'd said, helping eddie slip it (half) past those soft love handles. there was a pretty glint in his eye that told eddie he was talking about much more than a 'tail'; that he knew it full well, too. only magic was a little bit easier than the truth just for now.

* "thanks, richie, i love you very much."

* "i love you triple-chocolate!"

* was a real shame richie couldn't have had the rest of their grade under that funny spell of his, however. the boys in eddie's gym class did not believe in magic, and if they ever could have, they certainly would not believe it would be anywhere near eddie kaspbrak's tum. no, that was something to giggle at, on a par with calling your teacher 'mom' or someone farting in an assembly. they took great pleasure in hiding and tugging and even forcing that swim shirt right back off over eddie's head at every nasty opportunity, making him cry into richie's funny raccoon sweater after the very next swim lesson all over again.

* "ch, ch, ch, they're lying, tiny...they don't mean it...ch, ch..."

* this would set a pattern for the rest of eddie's teenage years - getting a little bit of confidence and those bony-kneed boys in his grade knocking it back down again. his mother's guilting tears over the candy stashes tucked in his pillowcase and his not fitting in her handmade, hideously embarrassing halloween costumes were one thing, but this was a whole 'nother.

* like when he sometimes raced richie and his big shepherd dog called honey 'round the tozier’s backyard, and, although richie was the slowest runner in their grade, found himself at sixteen years old beating him quicker and quicker. quick enough to try out for track behind his mother's back and, god, even get in. needless to say, his teammates had taken one look at eddies tummy bouncin' left and right on his brand new track shorts' waistband through his sprints, and had given him hell. even when he'd proved himself far beyond the fastest.

- as he grew older, hitting crossfire with the track team, soccer coach, and even himself, a sadness started to boil up inside. right in the pit of his stomach. kept him from ever looking too long in those awfully long ‘body-mirrors’. he’d skip out on the Tozier’s neighborhood barbecues, fearful that richie might somehow convince him into the pool somehow. that one curly boy always had a way into eddie’s heart. felt like a glittery snake would wrapping ‘round his arteries and squeezing out so much love over his braces-filled smile. he was a sucker for richie, alright. and this persistent anxiety sucked. it just sucked. eddie often thought of that hopeless feeling as a bird. a gentle brown bird that was perched atop his right shoulder, singing directly into his ear. the songs were never as nice as the old birdie looked, often carrying thorny messages, reminding him to pull his shirt down and sit up straight, to suck in his breath and practice his exercises. and after a strenuous fight with ma, or perhaps a terrible test score, it’s nasty talons dug deeper. soon, it wasn’t a songbird anymore, but a pecking vulture, tapping at the very back of eddie’s head with a crooked beak and beady eyes. those nights were the worst.

- so, he’d often call richie.

- he was never one to beg for acceptance. that was something he knew was always earned. like some days he’d have to do double chores for his ma to stop playing her ‘ignoring game’ and maybe play a board game instead. something to reassure himself he wasn’t a floundering shadow at times. so, he always felt foolish pleading down the phone for richie to talk to him. but the taller boy never seemed to mind too much, always a mixture of sunshine, candy, and lispy braces as he whistled down the phone. it drowned the bird’s endless caws.

- “hi, richie. c-can you tell me that one- uh that one story again? about the angel and the goose, please?”

- the night would be spent under a makeshift fort built from a thin white sheet draped over his shiny headboard and hooked over his homework desk chair, home phone pressed against his ear and smile as wide as the atlantic ocean. the pair would be as sleepy as banana slugs the next morning, having stayed up well past a reasonable hour. but, it always made those awful thoughts whisk right out of eddie’s head and straight down the toilet. sometimes he’d wave down the drain after his nightly bathroom trips, imagining some of those awfully prickly thoughts rolling round and round the toilet bowl. he suspects that’s when he started loving richie. but yet again, he sometimes thinks he’s loved him forever.

- after richie and eddie had finally sputtered out confessions of painstakingly long-awaited love, hands clutching on to one another’s and hearts louder than drummer boys, things got a bit brighter for the boy made of sunshine.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

If you are taking black serpent request still I have an idea where y/n’s mob is trying to do one deal and Bucky’s mob messes it up somehow not realizing it was y/n deal or whatever and a big fight comes between her and Bucky but they somehow make up in the end. Just an idea

An extension of this one-shot: Black Serpent 

Bucky was looking at some papers in front of him when Sam and Clint walked into his office.

“What’s going on, fellas?” The mob boss asked without looking up.

“We managed to intercept the drug load from that gang in Long Island,” Clint informed him.

Bucky nodded happily, and leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “How much you get when you sold the load?”

“80 grand,” Sam answered with a smirk.

“Well done, boys.” Bucky smirked.

Suddenly the three of them were interrupted by Steve rushing into the office. He looked a little scared.

“What? What is it?” Bucky asked hurriedly.

“Y/N’s here. You might want to make a run for it, Buck.”

Bucky squinted in confusion. But then he heard the clicking of her heels coming down the hallway with an aggressive and purposeful pace.

“Get outta here,” Bucky shooed his three men out of his office.

They both muttered polite hellos to his girl as they hurried out of the way.

Y/N ignored them.

She walked in with her four-inch stilettos and high-waisted jeans with fishnet tights peeking out of the waist and ankles. The whole outfit was covered by a long fur coat.

Bucky would’ve been more in awe of the sexy ensemble if he weren’t so distracted by the death glare he was currently receiving from his girlfriend.

“Could you be more of a fucking idiot?” Y/N hissed.

“Hello to you too, doll.” Bucky answered back.

“That payload you just stole… How much you make off it, huh?” She snapped.

Suddenly Bucky’s stomach dropped as he slowly put together what had happened.

“How much, James?” She hissed again.

“$85,000.”

“God damn it, James!” Y/N bellowed. “You really can’t think about anything other than the money, can you?”

“Doll, what am I missing here? It’s not like I stole your drugs.” Bucky held up his hands in surrender as he stood up and moved out from behind the safety of his desk.

It was a risky move. 

“I’ve been planning that interference for a month!” She shook her head.

“Doll, calm down. I’ll give you the money,” Bucky tried to reason.

“It’s not about the fucking money!” She yelled at him. “I was going to plant that payload and use it to frame Rumlow and Rollins.”

Bucky’s face dropped when he recognized the two names. The two good-for-nothing, wannabe gangsters. They were too stupid to be successful, but hungry enough to still make trouble in the city. But, at the moment, Bucky was only remembering their confrontation with Y/N at the gala months ago.

“Jesus Christ, doll, I had no idea. I’m sorry.” He rubbed his face in frustration.

“Can you imagine what I look like to my crew? My men come back to tell me our deal was fucked up because my boyfriend took the drug load I was supposed to use. You made me look like a fool, James.”

Bucky took a step forward, wanting nothing but to comfort her with his touch. But her eyes were filled with fire and warning, so he kept his distance. “Y/N, you gotta believe me… I would’ve never got my men involved had I known anything about this.”

He didn’t think there was anything worse than having his girl be mad at him, to look at him with such rage.

But then Y/N’s face dropped to disappointment and dejection. And Bucky realized it was so much worse.

“You know, James, maybe…” She stop and took in a shaky breath. “What were two opposing mobsters thinking, dating each other like they lived in some kind of stupid fairytale?”

Bucky realized what she was trying to say. His eyes widened and his heart started beating rapidly as he took a quick step toward her. “No, doll, don’t even start going there.”

But she was already shaking her head.

“We’re not rivals, Y/N. We never were and we never will be,” Bucky urged.

“It doesn’t matter. We run in the same world and this is going to keep happening,” She argued.

All signs of anger had disappeared. In its place, Y/N only had hopelessness.

“James, I think we should–” “Don’t. Please, Y/N, don’t do that.” Bucky begged. His voice shook as he did it.

This time he rushed forward to her. But she quickly backed away.

“I’m gonna go,” Y/N told him weakly, making sure to keep her distance.

Despite wearing four-inch heels, Y/N sped out of the office with the grace of a ballerina.

Bucky moved to go after her. But he didn’t even know what he would stay to keep her there. Maybe she had wanted to leave him for awhile and this was just the first excuse she came upon.

“Fuck!” Bucky bellowed as his hand punched the wall. The blow cracked a dent in it.

———

Bucky’s penthouse had never seemed so quiet and cold.

He’d grown used to Y/N’s warmth filling it up. Over the months, she was there so much that she basically lived at his place.

Before their argument, she has told him she would head over there after work. Bucky had promised to make her dinner. (He’d tried to learn cooking more and more as soon as they started dating.)

But Y/N never showed up.

Bucky felt sick as he started to believe this was really how things were going to end between them.

Were they fools for thinking they could make it work?

The two deadliest mob bosses of New York City dating each other. It did sound ridiculous. Almost like the premise for a cheesy sitcom.

Bucky had fallen so hard for her, he never even questioned whether it was possible for it to work. He only knew that he wanted it to.

He tried calling Y/N. He sent her nearly a dozen text messages. All went ignored and unanswered.

Bucky knew he fucked up. Y/N held herself at a ridiculous standard when it came to her work. Nothing was every simple; nothing was halfheartedly executed. She always had a plan b or even a plan c. He could only imagine how much work and resources she had put into that job. And it was all for nothing, because he ruined it for some petty cash.

———

Y/N had locked herself in her apartment for almost a week. She decided to take some time away from work. She’d made a fool of herself and her crew after the their big job ended up being a bust.

Fury was the one to convince her to take some time off.

So there she was, lounging on her couch in leggings and a hoodie. She’d ordered takeout for all three meals of the day and had no regrets about it. She was currently waiting on her dinner to arrive.

She was on her fourth documentary for the day when there was a gentle knock on her door.

Y/N jumped up, realizing how starving she was even though all she had been doing the past week was eating, working out, and watching TV.

But when she opened her door, she was not met with her takeout.

Bucky stood before her. He wasn’t wearing his usual three piece suit. Instead, he was wearing black jeans, a hoodie, sneakers, and a denim jacket. Y/N didn’t even know that Bucky owned a hoodie.

Her eyes quickly moved away from the outfit when she took in Bucky’s face. He had messy scruff from the pure laziness of not shaving. There were shadows under his eyes from lack of sleep. His hair was a shaggy disorder, desperately asking for a trim.

“We need to talk,” Bucky told her firmly.

Y/N realized he had two coffees in his hand. He held one out for her like a peace offering or a fee that would allow him inside her apartment.

“Bucky…” she sighed.

“No. I let you have your space. Now we’re talking.”

Y/N blinked at his steadiness. But then she found herself taking the coffee out of his hands and moving aside to let him in.

They walked into her kitchen. Y/N took a seat on one of the stools at her island. However, Bucky seemed too tense to even consider sitting.

“You need to tell me right now if you want out. If you don’t love me and – ” He stopped and took in a short breath. “Were you too scared to end things? Are you just using that bust as your out?” The words came out quick and loud, like he had been rehearsing them over and over again.

He continued, “If you are, then I’ll go right now. I’ll leave you alone and I’ll stay away,” 

She knew it was a real promise, even though the very idea would break his heart.

“I do love you,” Y/N inserted before he could keep going.

It made Bucky freeze.

“You do?” He whispered.

Y/N scoffed. “Yes, you idiot.”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Y/N. I don’t want you to be mad at me. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Y/N sighed and ran a shaky hand through her hair.

“We were living in our little paradise for too long, Buck. And that deal was the thing that finally popped it. What are we gonna do when something worse goes down? What happens when one of my guys accidentally kills one of your’s or vice versa? We both know our power depends on our wrath and the reputation that follows.”

Y/N shook her head at the idea. “What happens when the person everyone expects me to seek revenge on is you?”

“What if I throw it all away?” Bucky asked quietly.

Y/N’s face fell. “What?”

“What if I gave away this life? I left it behind and never went back.”

“Bucky, that’s absolutely ridiculous! You built an empire! You can’t just abandon it!”

He shook his head. “You don’t understand…”

“What, Bucky? What could I possibly not understand?” Y/N yelled.

“I’d do anything to keep you!” Bucky finally yelled back.

That shut Y/N up.

“You asked me to fight for you,” Bucky whispered. “So that’s what I’m going to fucking do, okay? There is nothing in this world worth doing if it means I lose you. Nothing.”

“I’m not asking you to do that. Because you would never ask that of me,” she whispered back.

“You didn’t ask,” he quickly replied.

Suddenly Y/N rushed off the stool and into his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder. Bucky instantly wrapped his arms around her body and held her close. God, he missed the feel of her. He missed her scent, her warmth. He missed her.

“As far as I’m concerned, my gang and I work for you now, you hear?” Bucky told her confidently. “That’s the only way this is going to work. If people know we’re connected, the miscommunication goes down to 0. We’ll share the same enemies, but will be stronger together.”

Y/N pulled away to look up at his face. “You’ve already thought this through.”

“I tried to think more like you, doll. Come in with a plan b,” he smirked shyly at her.

“Why didn’t you start off with that?”

“I just needed to make sure you weren’t trying to find an out. I wanted to hear your side before I came in trying to solve everything,” Bucky explained.

Y/N gave him a small smile.

“What?” He asked her.

“It’s just – you’re really trying. You really want this to work.”

“You and I both know that I’m no relationship expert. I don’t know how to do this. And I mean any of it. It’s all new for me,” Bucky admitted with embarrassment.

“I don’t know about that.”

“Well, what I do know is I never want you to be mad at me again. Because that really fucking sucked, doll. Worse than takin’ a bullet, if I’m being honest.” Bucky smirked again.

Y/N chuckled. “Well, you know there’s a silver lining of couples fighting.”

“Oh, yeah? And what’s that?” Bucky asked curiously.

Y/N smiled mischievously. “Makeup sex.”

“I’m unfamiliar. You’re going have to walk me through it step-by-step,” Bucky played dumb.

Y/N let out a loud laugh at his antics.

But then she yelped when Bucky suddenly picked her up by the back of her thighs and brought her hips to his. She quickly wrapped her legs around his waist, giggling as he led them to her bedroom.

———

Well, tumblr is alive…….for now. Write me love letters before it’s too late and my secret life dies with this website. 

[episodes-ff]

10. Mandatory

Malik

“Shit!” I hissed fanning the small fire forming on the stove top as I quickly picked up the bacon off the skillet. Moving everything over, I heard footsteps and started setting up the plates. “Good morning.” “Morning.” She yawned scratching her big messy bun. “What is all this?” “Well, I figured I’d delight you with some breakfast and then maybe we can go shopping today?” “Malik, I-“ “I know, I know. Just as friends. I just wanna make sure you have a good day.” I said handing her a glass of orange juice before grabbing some napkins. Feeling her small arms wrap around me, she hugged me close and kissed my back. “Thank you for understanding, Leaky.” “That’s what friends are for.”

Kyla

“Ooh! Does this one look cute to you?” I asked holding up the maxi dress as he texted on his phone. “Yea, it’s aight.” “Malik, you’re not even looking at me!” Looking up briefly, he checked out the dress and smiled. “It’s nice. You should get it.” He said before going back to texting as I rolled my eyes.

Ever since that breakfast at my place, he’s been acting like a total fucking asshole and I’m not feeling that shit. One minute we’re cool, the next minute he’s parading bitches around in my face. What kind of shit is that? If it weren’t for the fact that he drove us, I would have dipped already. Being taken out of my thoughts by giggles, I looked up and saw him in the men’s section flirting with some foreign hoe as I got fed up and headed to check out. “Hi, did you enjoy shopping with us today?” “Absolutely.” I said putting on a fake smile as she rang out my items. “You have a good day and come again!” Walking out of the store and leaving him, I made my way down the path to find the Louis Vuitton store.

“K? Kyla?! Yo wait up!” I heard him calling before catching up to me and stopping in front of my way. “Hey! Wassup with you?” “You! I thought we were supposed to be hanging out today and having fun, but you’ve barely said two words or even paid attention to me. You’re being so rude, Malik, and then you keep bringing bitches in my face! I don’t have time for it!” “Time for what? We just friends, remember? I can’t talk to people and be nice?” “Not in front of me, no!” “Oh, so you’re allowed to dangle these relationships with these dudes in my face and still fuck with me, but god forbid I give my attention to someone other than you?” “Exactly!” “You a real piece of work you know that?” “Well you’re-“ “Oh my god, Malik, is that you! It’s me, Monica!” Some thirsty bitch said interrupting as she came over and gave him a close hug. A little too close for my taste.

“Hey, girl, how you been?” “I’m good! We miss you over at Diamond’s.” “Oh yea? Imma have to come out there and pay everybody a visit.” “We’d love that.” She smiled before looking over at me as I mugged them. “Oh, is this your sister?” “Nah, this is my cousin, Kyla. She visiting from outta town.” He said nonchalantly as I scoffed at him. “Awww, it’s nice to meet you!” Reaching to shake my hand, I stared at it in disgust before she awkwardly took it back. “Well, I gotta get going. I’m meeting a friend for lunch, but I’ll see you around sometime.” “Most definitely, girl.” He flirted as she stuck a number in his pocket and whispered some shit to him. “It was nice seeing you again, Keisha!” She smiled before walking away. Looking back up at him in complete anger, he smiled before walking up and leaning down to my ear. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” He husked as I shivered at his cold words.

Jackie

“You ok, baby?” “Yea. I’m fine, bae.” I asked for the thousandth time but he continued to play like he was cool even though I knew he wasn’t. It’s been a couple days since this whole ordeal that took place and I can tell Quentin is feeling a way about it. I don’t blame him though. How would it look if your significant other got brutally attacked by a person they’ve never met? It would look suspicious as fuck, and though I’ve tried to assure him that we’re not involved in any way, I can tell he doubts me; even more now that he’s out of town. He got his internship and I knew he was happy, but something just seemed off between us and the longer we were apart, the worse it felt. “Did you want me to pick you up from the airport tomorrow when you get home?” “Nah, my mom is gonna come get me. Haven’t chilled with my family in a minute.” “Ok.” “Yea, well listen, I’ll call you some time tomorrow before I board my flight, I gotta finish packing up.” “Ok baby. I love you.” “You too.” He smiked before hanging up our FaceTime call as I sighed. I just need to see him and talk this thing out.

Hearing a thump against my balcony doors, I scrunched up my face and went to go investigate for myself. Opening the door, I stepped out and shivered in my light choice of night clothing. Looking around, I felt something grab me and carry me into my room as I tried to scream but couldn’t due to a hand covering my mouth. Thinking on quick instinct, I bit the hand and lunged my foot back, kicking whoever it was in the groin as they quickly let me go and dropped to the floor. Grabbing my taser, I got ready to stun the sick bastard before stopping as Anthony shot his hand up and groaned. “Wait! Ahh, fuck.” “Nigga, what the fuck are you doing here and why are you sneaking and grabbing folks in the middle of the goddamn night! I should shoot you.” “I came to explain.” He said clearly still in pain as he shot me a mug and got up. “Bitch, don’t mug me. You the one fucking shit up for yourself. Now why are you here? Didn’t I say I never wanna see you again?” He lucky my parents aren’t here.

“Just hear me out, Jackie.” “You got 5 seconds or I’m calling the guards in here.” Referring to Kolita and Kaiden. Sitting nervously, I rolled my eyes. “Aight, time’s up. Get out.” “Have you ever heard of split personality disorder?” He blurred out as I stopped in my tracks. “Kind of. What about it?” “I have it. Have had it my whole life. That’s why I been acting so crazy.” “Ok seriously, Anthony, that’s a bullshit excuse. You know my grandpa suffers from mental illness so for to come in here and use that as an excuse to just fuck everything up is bul-“ I ranted before he emptied his book bag, letting a bunch of pill bottles clatter to the floor. I counted at least fifty as they continued falling from his bag.

Looking up at him, he stared at me sadly as a tear slipped from his eye. “I’m serious, Jacqueline.” Sitting down next to him, I looked down as the room filled in an uncomfortable silence. “I have split personality disorder and bipolar schizophrenia.” “When did you find out?” “A little before my second birthday. I had a really bad temper tantrum and when my parents took me to get checked out, I told them my name was Tyler. That’s when they ran tests and figured it out. I woke up and couldn’t remember anything.” He explained as my heart fell in my ass realizing that I’d lost my virginity to this Tyler personality.

“I try to live a normal life, but on these pills I just battle between feeling like a robot or not feeling at all. I stopped taking my medication over the summer.” “Anthony, why would you do something like that? That’s so dangerous!” Because I’m tired of not feeling like everyone else, Jackie!” He shouted standing up from his seat as he panted heavily. Looking into his eyes, I noticed they were starting to darken as I got up and hugged him. “Just breathe, ok? Breathe.” Steadying his breath, he hugged me back and I looked up to see his eyes back to their normal light brown shade. “Look, I know it’s getting late, but I just wanted to come by and apologize for my actions since the school year has started. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jackie.” “I forgive you.”

Smiling, he hugged me before grabbing his things and heading back to the balcony doors. “Anthony wait!” “Yea?” “Does anybody else know about Tyler?” “Only my family and the rest of the parents in the crew. I gotta go, I’ll talk to you in the morning.” He said before holding my chin and kissing me deeply. “Thank you for listening to me.” He said before scaling down the wall and running off into the night as I stood in a mix of shock and betrayal. Why would my parents hide something like this from me?

[tustinjomimori]

Oneshot- Purge

Boku no Hero Academia

Fatgum/Reader*

T+ rating

This is really fucking self indulgent. Huge trigger warnings for bulimia and emetophobia.

I do honestly wish that this wasn’t something that other people can relate to, but I know that that’s unrealistic. Eating disorders are terrible and can really drain you and keep you from enjoying your life and loving yourself. If you can relate to this: I hope my writing can help heal you in some small way. Most of this is written from having experienced these feelings first hand, so I know the shame and helplessness that comes with having a binge and purge eating disorder.

I absolutely love Fatgum and thinking about how he wouldn’t see anything wrong with anyone’s body, despite conventional beauty standards, is something I dwell on quite a bit. He’s such a great character and basically the perfect boyfriend imo. I think it’s pretty damn cool that a manga has finally given us a literal hero character who relies on their body fat for strength.

I also want anyone reading this to know that they can talk to me about their experiences if they ever want to. I’m always here to lend an ear or try to help in any way I can, because I fully understand how devastating bulimia can be. I’ve been dealing with it for around a year now and I’m still looking for the strength to get help. I hope that maybe this simple story can encourage someone else out there to take the steps that I’m still struggling to take, and to get help for themselves.

Remember that just because you have some problems, it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be loved !! This is something I still have trouble believing myself, but please trust me when I tell you that it’s true.

*I wanna say reader is AFAB but idk if that’s like, politically correct? There’s talk of them having morning sickness so I guess just be warned of that? This is super self indulgent and I’m cis so 

You’re sitting on the floor of your boyfriend’s bathroom, deep in thought.

Why are you so ugly, so gross, so weak?? These are thoughts that cross your mind frequently, but especially at times like this.Your biggest question: How did you end up with such a great guy when you were…..like you were? Plain would be the politest word to describe yourself, you think. Your face is nothing memorable and your body is unattractive. You have no redeeming talents, your quirk is essentially worthless, and you don’t think your personality is all that exciting.

Your boyfriend on the other hand, he’s amazing. He’s a hero, and a pretty well known one. He’s Fatgum, the BMI hero, though you prefer to call him by his given name, Taishiro. It makes you feel special, closer to him than anyone else when you call him by his real name rather than his hero alias. But shit, the man was always making you feel special. Everything he did was so considerate, so kind. He was always complimenting you, calling you cute, beautiful, etc. You didn’t always believe him, though his massive and ever genuine smile could make it quite difficult to disagree with him.  

That man…. You couldn’t wrap your mind around why he was with you. Especially now, crouched next to his toilet with saliva and vomit smeared across your face. You know your eyes are red and watery and you recall your most recent date with your love. Last night had been the first time you had stayed over at Taishiro’s place, and holy shit, was it magical. He had made you a fabulous Italian dinner and paired it with the most delicious wine you had ever had. After dessert, which was an absolutely divine tiramisu, he took your hand and led you into the bedroom, where you spent the rest of the evening fucking slowly and tenderly, then hard and fast like sex-starved animals. Afterwards, you had curled up against his soft, warm body and fallen asleep. It was the best sleep you’ve had in what felt like ages (not to mention the best sex), and you awoke the next morning to find Taishiro in the kitchen, preparing the two of you a fabulous breakfast. That was when things went south.

Up until then, you had been able to hide your problem from your lover, and it had been easy. You often went out to eat together, but because neither of you seemed comfortable, or brave enough rather, to spend the night together, you were able to depart from your dates like nothing was wrong and deal with your problem in the privacy of your own home. Aside from the night previous, you were generally pretty regular with dealing with your problem after a large meal. Of course, with the way your boyfriend had you feeling, as if you were the luckiest person alive, the night earlier, you had no issues with ignoring your problem for just one night.

That morning, however, after a large portion of quiche, bread pudding, ham steak, and yogurt parfait, you just couldn’t take it. You couldn’t take the fullness in your stomach or the guilt in your mind. Conveniently for you, Taishiro was called in to deal with a predicament in the city following your meal, and he graciously allowed you to stay at his place to wait for him.

Your own shame kept you from performing your process right away, not wanting to make a mess of Taishiro’s small bathroom. You wiled away some time washing dishes and tidying the kitchen, before lounging on the sofa and watching television for a short time. But you couldn’t take it. You were just too full from that (admittedly marvelous) breakfast. Just looking down at your own stomach disgusted you and you finally got to your feet and rushed to the bathroom. Kneeling over the porcelain of the toilet, you pushed two fingers down your throat and proceeded to empty the contents of your stomach.  Once you had gotten out all that you could, you  sat back on the cold tile of the floor, resting your head against the wall and closing your eyes. Stomach acid burned in the back of your throat and shameful tears burned behind your eyelids. You were so busy feeling disgusted with yourself that you didn’t hear the apartment door open and close, or the footsteps headed your way. Damn, for such a big guy, Taishiro sure was stealthy.

“You doin’ OK there babe?” Your boyfriend's voice comes from the bathroom doorway and the sudden sound startles you. You jolt in surprise, then slowly turn your head to look at the huge form in the doorway. Taishiro is standing there, still in his hero costume but with his hood and mask removed.

“Fuck, oh, um, yeah. Hey babe….You got back quick.” You stumble through your words, suddenly realizing you never gave the toilet a final flush. Leaning forward to do just that, you can feel Taishiro’s large eyes studying you.

“Villain had already been caught by the time I got there.” He explains shortly.

“Mornin’ sickness?” He asks simply, taking you by surprise. You stare at him, wide eyed, from the floor as he lets out a small chuckle. “I’m jokin’, I know that ain’t it.” He reassures you. “Sorry, sorry.”

You finally stand up, your body feeling heavy despite losing the contents of its stomach just prior.

“I just felt really sick, I dunno.” You lie to him as you turn on the faucet and begin to wash your hands and face. “Food poisoning maybe.”

As you rinse out your mouth, you look back at Taishiro from the corner of your eyes and he’s looking at you with some combination of concern and disbelief.

He knows, he knows, he knows. You feel the tears hot in your eyes as you start to panic. He knows and he thinks you’re disgusting and he’s going to break up with you and you’ll be all alone like you deserve.

You have to go, you have to leave, he can’t see you like this.

You pointedly look away from Taishiro’s face (pretty easy to do since looking at him involves craning your head way back) and try to push past him. He doesn’t budge but instead puts a massive hand on your shoulder which you realize is shaking with the sobs that are suddenly wracking your body.

“Well that just proves it ain’t food poisonin’.” He mutters. “You wouldn’t be cryin’ if it were just that now would you?”

You don’t say anything, just place a hand over your mouth to try to stifle the hiccups and sobs coming from it.

“Hey, hey darlin’....” Taishiro gives your shoulder a gentle squeeze. “We can talk about it, come on outta there.” He maneuvers you so you’re standing in front of him and he shepherds you into the living room, gesturing for you to take a seat on the couch. You sit on the very far end and fold in on yourself.

You have to convince him it’s nothing, that it’s really just food poisoning and that you’re fine, just a little emotional. You can’t trust your voice at the moment though. You don’t know whether it will shake or break or if anything will come out at all so you keep your mouth tightly shut, swallowing your cries.

Taishiro hesitantly studies you, small as you can possibly make yourself on his large couch, and seats himself a couple of cushions away from you. He seems to want to give you some space, but he still leans in just close enough for you to feel his familiar body heat rolling off of him.

“I was uh...I was just jokin’ earlier but…..it ain’t really mornin’ sickness is it?” His voice is quieter than usual and you aren’t sure if that’s in an attempt to calm you or because asking that question is hard for him.

You sneak a peek at him from under one of your arms, which are wrapped around your legs, knees pulled up close to your face. He looks....worried, for sure. Maybe a little scared but mainly confused. You’ve never broken down on him like this before and he must be overwhelmed.

Taishiro removes his gloves and fiddles with them in his lap while he awaits your response.

“It’s not…..” You manage to choke out. Taishiro gives a sigh of relief and looks back at you. The ball you’ve folded yourself into has loosened and he can see your tear soaked face through the gap under your arm.

“That’s great.” He blurts out. “I mean….that’s a good thing right, hun?”

You nod slowly and try to untangle your own limbs from each other. You wonder how worried he must have been to ask such a question.

He deserves to know, right? Even if he dumps you, you would deserve it, and he deserves to be told the truth, you figure.

“Taishiro….I, um….” You still can’t look him in the eye so you study your own hands for a few moments before they’re covered by one of Taishiro’s much larger ones.

“Ya don’t have to tell me if ya don’t wanna. If ya ain’t ready.” He reassures you. “I’m just real worried is all. Can ya….can ya at least tell me if you’re OK?” He squeezes your hands gently.

“Yeah. I’m….I’m ok.” You tell him. Was that a lie? “Or well, I’m not? But I am. It’s uh….It’s um, it’s usual for me actually.” You manage to get out.

“Usual? What is?” He presses. “If ya wanna say! Ya don’t gotta.”

“Mm, throwing up like that. It’s uh….I do it a lot….” You swallow down the rising fear in your throat and the dread you feel for your boyfriend’s reaction is worse than any purging session you’ve put yourself through so far.

“I um….” Fuck, you can’t say it. You just can’t. You look at Taishiro pleadingly, silently begging him to figure it out for himself.

A few long moments pass before you can see from his face that something has just clicked.

“Ya mean, ya make yourself…”

Before he can finish, you’re blurting out a garbled apology.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I didn’t want you to know! It’s gross, I’m disgusting and I didn’t want…. You weren’t supposed to find out!” You can’t look into Taishiro’s face, sure that you’ll see some form of disgust or disappointment on his features, so you look intently at his knee through your tears.

The silence stretches on for too long and you’re about to stand to gather your things so you can leave when you feel yourself being effortlessly lifted briefly into the air and then placed gently onto Taishiro’s lap.

“Babe…” He starts. “Babe, darlin’....I dunno what to say.” He doesn’t sound disgusted and the careful tone of his voice gives you the courage to finally look back up into your lover’s face. His brows are furrowed, and his eyes are shining like maybe he’s holding back his own tears. Oh.

He brings a hand up to your face and caresses your cheek. You want to lean into his touch but you can’t handle being seen in your current state, so you bury your face against his body instead. He continues to caress you, carding a hand through your hair and using his other hand to rub circles across your back.

“It’s OK hun. It’s OK, I’ve got ya.” He whispers against the crown of your head, kissing your hair.

“I’m sorry.” You sob against him.

“Ain’t no reason to be.” He replies. “And ya ain’t disgustin’.” He adds. “You’re the loveliest, most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” He sounds so sincere but you can’t help but contradict him.

“I’m not. Why else would I do something like this? It’s because I’m nasty and my body is terrible and ugly and-” You cut yourself off as Taishiro squeezes you closer against him.

“That just ain’t true.” He presses. “I always thought ya had an amazin’ body. And ya really proved it to me last night.” He says with a small laugh. “You’re the total package babe; beautiful, not just your body but your face and your personality hun. I love all of ya.”

Of course he wouldn’t leave you. Not because of this. You feel so stupid for doubting him but before you can open your mouth to apologize once more, he goes on. “I do, I really love ya and….Well I don’t know how yet but we can make it through this together, yeah? I’ll support ya. No matter what. I see how much this hurts ya and I just want ya to get better.”

You can feel Taishiro’s hoodie beneath your face getting wetter and wetter with your tears and snot. How could you ever think this perfect man would leave you because of something like this? You remove your face from his chest and look up into his eyes. He’s looking down at you fondly and you again wonder how in the world you got so goddamn lucky.

“I love you too Taishiro.” You whisper, your voice strained from crying. “I love you so much and I want to get better but I don’t know how….”

“We’ll figure it out together.” He promises and leans down further to kiss your cheek. “I’ll never let ya go.”

You still don’t really like yourself. You still think you’re plain and boring and that your body is far from ideal. But maybe, you think, maybe with Taishiro in the picture you can learn to love yourself the way he loves you; wholeheartedly and despite your flaws.

[xxbyimm]

Enya’s Unexpected Journey - Chapter 14

For all other chapters, click the number: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Chapter 14

Summary: Enya receives some special attention from a certain dwarf king…

Warning: NSFW! Also this chapter is, eh- kinda smutty in the end. This is my first try writing smut (in English), so please if you have suggestions: tell me!

Enya found herself back sitting at the base of the tree. She let out a long, deep sigh. Well, this little adventure told her what she already secretly knew. He wanted her. Badly. Dolvira’s words lingered in the back of her mind. ‘It isn’t love he has for you… It’s just lust!’

But was it just lust?

Enya closed her eyes and let her head rest against the tree. Of course it had to be lust. What had she been thinking? There were thirteen MALE dwarves in the company and she had been (until recently that creepy Dolvira snuck her way in) the only female. The testosterone hung heavily in the air… The deprivation of brothels or some solo sexy time should crack every single member of the company up and it made sense that any provocative behavior could set them off. So, when her stupid mind chose to behave like the way she did, wasn’t it fucking logical that Thorins’ mind became overcome with lust? Any man would lose it, so why wouldn’t he be affected as well? What made her so special that he would want to make her his? Why would he even want her to be the one? Maybe she was only worth a quick bang. Like the girls in the whorehouses. ‘And they get money as a reward for their services.’ Her mind told her. ‘You’ll be rewarded with a broken heart and a shattered self-esteem, if you continue going down this road. You’re always fall for the bad guys, and you know it.’ Enya swallowed and tried not to cry. She put her hair up in a ponytail and growled. God, she had a hell of a day. Defying Thorins’ orders and facing Beorn on her own. Fighting Dolvira. Oh, and what about a furious dwarf king that wanted to teach her a lesson by kissing her like there was no tomorrow? Enya closed her eyes. Maybe she was right about leaving. Maybe she should do that after all. Right now it seemed the best option. It would at least release her from the physical tension she had to cope with. Thorin would be able to focus on the quest again and Enya could practice her skills more often. She still didn’t control the subtle forces, and that fact annoyed her. But leaving now would mean that she had to forget about him. Not being able to protect him when needed. And that, lovesick as she was, was impossible. Being away from Thorin felt like… Not being able to breathe. Besides, it was the one thing Thorin forbid her to do. Enya chuckled. No, one of MANY things he forbid her. If she dared to cross him on this order, she could imagine he would hunt her down until the end of days.

But if she stayed… She knew she wanted Thorin too much to stop provoking him. Her self-control was simply nonexistent when he was around. Her body wanted him so much it would make her lose her manners over and over again. Enya whimpered. She needed him to give in. If he wouldn’t, the consequences were going to be disastrous for her heart. And they would be too if he did anyway. ‘There is nothing you can do about it.’ Her mind muttered. ‘I mean, how can this end well for you? Even if he does give in, it isn’t like he is going to make you his queen. Why would he do that? You know nothing.’ Enya clenched her teeth. Her mind was painstakingly right. She virtually knew nothing of dwarf laws or morals. Or the secret social norms. As a queen she would only embarrass him. No, she was a pretty distraction while they were on the road. Nothing less, nothing more.

So, her choices were either let Thorin break her heart by denying her, let Thorin break her heart after an amazing hookup, or breaking her heart herself. Enya had to confess that an hookup sounded the most appealing. At least she would get it her way (even briefly) if he decided to bury himself inside of her. Her desire didn’t care about the state of her heart. It needed to blow off some steam so god damn badly and her abdomen twitched at the thought of Thorins’ hard cock inside of her… Enya sighed and got up on her feet. She really needed to stop thinking about Thorin. And his tool. Being alone in the woods only fueled her imagination. Enya slowly walked up to the house. Maybe the other dwarves could distract her from their sexy leader.

‘Miss Enya!’ Bofur said as Enya closed the door of the house behind her. ‘Where have you been?’ ‘I needed some fresh air.’ She answered. Thorin sat at the large oaken table and eyed her in a way that made her body quiver with desire. He knew exactly why she stayed outside.

Her inner goddess stuck out her tongue and scowled at him: ‘Yes! I desperately needed some air after encountering YOU, FRUSTRATING DWARF KING!’

Enya bit her lip. Her mind was all over the place at the mere sight of him. It screamed that it knew a thousand ways to ease his ill-favored temper. And it all involved getting him butt naked… She deliberately ignored him (and her dirty mind, for that matter) and jumped on the empty chair next to Bofur. ‘Why is everyone so quiet tonight?’ she asked. ‘We’re all just a bit disordered, miss. That bear spooked us all.’ Bofur confessed to her. ‘We could’ve been devoured by that thing.’ Enya laughed. ‘That bear has a name. He didn’t hurt you guys and he is really nice, you know.’ All dwarves started muttering, as if they needed to debate about the truth of her allegations. ‘Oh come on ladies.’ Enya giggled. ‘You kill wargs all the time and they are almost as big as Beorn. What’s the problem?’ ‘Yes, we kill wargs.’ Dori stated. ‘But this bear is obviously under some dark kind of spell!’ ‘Nonsense.’ Gandalf interrupted. ‘Don’t be a fool. He is under no enchantment but his own.’ Kíli looked up to the wizard. ‘He won’t kill us, right Gandalf?’ ‘That is what miss Enya told me.’ Gandalf mused. ‘How many times do I have to tell this…’ Enya sighed. ‘He is a kind soul. He’d rather eats Azog for dinner.’ ‘Of course he is kind.’ Dolvira said sarcastically. ‘That is: if you are a fire witch, your name is miss Enya Blueheart AND you’re apparently able to reason with skin changers while they’re in their animal form.’ ‘BUT’ she continued. ‘If you’re not miss pretty face and do not possess these so-called skills, you will only see a terrifying large bear that is ready to devour you.’ ‘Do you still want your sword back?’ Enya purred. ‘I think it looks remarkably good on that tree.’ ‘Don’t try to convince us that thing is kind.’ Dolvira snapped. ‘We won’t buy it.’ Enya got out of her chair, ignoring Bofurs’ hand that tried to put her back down. ‘Don’t do it, miss.’ He warned. Enya knew he was right. The day had been long. She shouldn’t let Dolvira persuade her into a catfight again. ‘I’m outta here.’ She hissed and stormed outside. She sat down a wooden log and with her hands she massaged her forehead. She was startled by two young dwarf princes that went to sit on either side of her. ‘What.’ she groaned. ‘We’re keeping an eye on you, remember.’ Fíli teased. ‘And we noticed that you and uncle were together outside for a while.’ Kíli winked. ‘Care to tell us what happened?’ Fíli asked. ‘Can’t you two just go fuck yourself?’ Enya groaned. They gave each other a nasty look and laughed. ‘We could, but we prefer let a pretty lass do the work for us.’ Fíli replied. ‘Well don’t even dream about-’ Enya began, but she stopped when both of their faces frowned in shock. ‘What?’ she asked. ‘Don’t tell me I managed to shock you two for the first time.’ ‘No. But we wouldn’t dare to touch you. Uncle will kill us if we try.’ Kíli told her. ‘It’s a shame.’ Fíli confessed. ‘You look like you’re in great need. Didn’t uncle give you anything tonight?’ Enya bit her lip. ‘You two have no shame!’ ‘Ah, he did do something, didn’t he?’ Kíli guessed. ‘No.’ Enya replied. ‘Your neck tells a different tale.’ Fíli pleaded. ‘Or do you like to bite yourself?’ Kíli grinned. Enya let out an offended cry. ‘YOU WHAT?’ ‘We’re just teasing you miss.’ Fíli laughed.

Enya thanked the gods when Dori, Nori and Ori came outside, followed by Bofur. ‘We’ll continue this conversation later…’ Fíli murmured. ‘We won’t!’ Enya snarled. ‘Miss…’ Bofur began as he sat down. ‘They are no fun inside. Let’s dance.’ ‘Yes!’ Ori complained. ‘And Dolvira is keeping an eagle eye on everyone and it’s creeping me out.’ ‘Even more than a large bear?’ Enya replied. ‘Or a REAL eagle?’ Ori shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I don’t like her. She’s…’ ‘Intimidating.’ Dori added. ‘I don’t understand why she is lingering with us.’ Enya knew all too well why the warrior woman still was here. She wasn’t going to share that reason… ‘Erebor is her home too.’ She said. ‘You all know I’m not overly fond of her, but I also think we cannot blame her for fighting for her home. ’ ‘Not overly fond?’ Kíli laughed. ‘I think you showed us today that you hate her with a burning passion, miss.’ Enya bit her lip. Yes. A burning passion it was. ‘Perhaps. She was crossing a line and I had to make my point.’ ‘She is not that bad.’ Bofur objected. ‘Under the tough appearance lies a brave and kind woman.’ ‘I’d rather encounter that dragon.’ Enya muttered and giggled when she saw Ori nodding his head furiously. ‘Does anyone know what’s up with her and Thorin?’ Nori asked. ‘I’ve never seen her with him in the blue mountains.’ ‘No, she was a fling before Smaug entered the game.’ Fíli said. ‘Balin told me they were betrothed for some time.’ ‘But he himself refuses to tell us what happened.’ Kíli added. ‘And believe us, we tried to pull the truth out.’

BETROTHED? Wow. This suddenly became a lot more complicated. Enya bit on her tongue. Don’t react. Don’t! ‘Don’t let those two rascals know how much you care!’ her mind muttered.

‘Better not push him…’ Nori muttered. ‘Who knows what happens.’ They were all silent for a moment. ‘I didn’t come outside to sit in silence.’ Bofur told them. He turned to Enya. ‘Let’s dance, miss. And you promised us you would sing too.’ ‘I didn’t!’ Enya protested. ‘But You promised! I heard you doing that!’ Dori said. ‘Did I?’ Enya giggled. She got out her iPhone. ‘What should we play?’ Bofur asked. ‘Nothing.’ Enya replied and went through her songs. Which one should she choose? HA! Enya smiled. Girls just wanna have fun, right? Too bad she only had the version Miley Cyrus created (if you asked her, Cyndi Lauper did a better job), but it would do for now. ‘Music from my world is a little different.’ She warned. ‘It is much… heavier I suppose.’ She pressed play and grabbed Bofurs’ hands. ‘Whoo, miss!’ he laughed as the first tunes of the song filled the cold nightly air. Enya swirled around him and clapped her hands. ‘You guys wanted some fun!’ she cheered. ‘Girls need that too!’

Enya knew she should behave, but she couldn’t. It was too late. The catchy tune made her body want to move. She shook her hips and freed her hair from the messy ponytail it was in. Enya sang along as swirled around the dwarves. She got Ori on his feet. ‘Come on!’ she encouraged him before she started singing again. ‘Girls they wanna have fun, oh girls just want to have fun!’ She twirled around the prince brothers and laughed as they tried to grab her to make her dance with them. There didn’t deserve that after teasing her in such a rude way! Instead she took Dori’s hands and let him guide her. Enya enjoyed herself as they floated through the garden, engaged in a kind of ballroom dance. Oh god, this didn’t fit the beat at all, but Enya had fun anyways. ‘I wanna be the one who walks in the sun!’ Enya sung and laughed when she noticed Nori’s eccentric dance moves as they passed him.

In the middle of the fun, her body started shivering. Oh god. Her booty registered he was near her before her eyes even detected him. Thorin stood at the entrance of the house and watched them with narrowed eyes as they danced. His eyes were fixed on her and made her thigh squeeze together in agony. He seemed intrigued and angry at the same time. Enya bit her lip. There always seemed to be a reason for Thorin Oakenshield to be angry. Especially when she herself was the victim. ‘Why is he always mad?’ Enya mused. ‘I don’t know.’ Dori answered. ‘Maybe we should stop dancing together.’ ‘Or not’ Enya grinned. ‘You’d better not defy him’ Dori muttered and he wanted to let go of her, but Enya held on tight. ‘Come on! You only live once, master dwarf.’ She said. Dori smiled and they continued what they had been doing. When the last tunes of the song faded away and the courtyard became quiet again, Dori made a deep bow. ‘Thank you for this dance, my lady.’ ‘The pleasure was mine.’ Enya said and she made a little reverence. She knew Thorin was still watching her, but she ignored him as she walked back to the little group. ‘I didn’t hear you sing.’ Bofur complained as they joined the others again. Enya squeezed herself between Fíli and Kíli (‘make some room for a lady, lads!’). She eyed Bofur and got her phone. ‘Alright, one song. ONE!’ She chose one of her all-time favorite bands. ‘Been waitin’ at these crossroads, forever and a day, on a guy to buy my soul…’ she sung. Everyone was quiet around her and Enya closed her eyes as she focused on the melody. She couldn’t help herself. Her hips moved on the beat and she couldn’t keep her arms in her lap.

‘As long as I’m alive, all I wanna do is rock, rock, roooooo-oooock!’ They all stared at her in awe. Enya quickly closed her eyes again and concentrated on the song. God, she forgot how much she loved this jam. It was raw, rough, but yet so tender. True rock and roll. The voice of Taylor mixed very well with her own. Enya bit her lip and told herself that she really really REALLY needed to behave herself. After all, Thorin was probably still watching her. But her booty didn’t care about behaving.

‘Take me down….’ She sung dramatically as the song came to an end. Slowly she looked up and stared directly into Thorins’ gaze. His expression made her bite back a moan. Her body reacted to him and shivered under his stare. Good gods, she really had to break this connection before she would come undone while squeezed between his nephews…

That would be awkward!

She quickly lowered her gaze and got her iPhone as soon as the last tunes of the song had faded. She didn’t want it to play the next song. She knew for sure the dwarves would make her sing that too. And she didn’t need another song. She needed sexy solo time.

Right now.

‘That was really good, lass!’ Bofur was the first one to speak. Enya gave him a shy smile. ‘Thanks.’ They were all startled by a loud thumb from the door that fell back into its frame. Enya rolled her eyes. Mister panties shredder finally had gone inside and he probably was even more angry than an hour ago. ‘By the looks of it, I’d say you’re in deep trouble…’ Fíli whispered in her air. Kíli heard him and chuckled. ‘I always am.’ Enya replied. ‘And I don’t know why.’ ‘Come on.’ Kíli said. ‘We should get some rest. We still have that orc pack on our tail.’ ‘I’ll catch you later.’ Enya murmured. ‘I’m going to try to avoid the wrath of your uncle.’ ‘Good luck with that!’ Fíli chuckled.

Enya walked through the garden and disappeared in the haymow that stood next to the property. She closed the door behind her and let out a long, deep sigh. Her body definitely needed some time to cool off. Enya knew she just couldn’t be around HIM at this moment. The physical tension between them would be even more unbearable than a few hours ago and with her lack of self-control she feared she would just jump on him. Another glance of those eyes… Enya shivered. She couldn’t handle it. She probably even wouldn’t mind if the whole company watched as he took her. Her cheeks flushed red when she discovered her mind even reconsidered it as an option.

No. Staying with the company for the night was a very bad idea. This shed next to the house however, was perfect to spend the night alone. It allowed her to relax and regain control over her mind. Enya groaned. After Thorins’ little stunt (and his damn intense gaze) she really needed to get off on something. Her body ached for his touch and her neck still tingled from the attention it had received. She knew she was dripping wet, her thighs yearning after the look he gave her. She was so god damn ready for him. She sighed. And because he wouldn’t give it to her, she had to settle with some solo action. Anything to calm herself down before the company would hit the road again.

Enya walked up the stairs and discovered there was a second level, stacked with hay bales. She threw her traveling bag on the ground in a corner and sat down on one of the bales. She untied her boots and threw them on her bag. Her coat laid next to her. She stretched her toes and then proceeded with throwing her corset and pants on the pile. She opened the window that was on opposite of her hay bale and watched the bright moon in the sky. Ah. She laid down on the hay bale and shivered when the nightly air was colder than she anticipated. Enya grabbed her coat and tucked her legs under it. She softly hummed the tone of “girls just wanna have fun”, but was startled when someone entered the haymow and ascended the stairs. The person nearing her wore heavy boots that pounded on every step. Enya’s body instantly knew who it was, but she still wasn’t prepared for the electrical tension that suddenly hung in the air. God. It made her breathing unsteady and her cheeks flush.

‘Yeah?’ She said as Thorin entered the room. 'You didn’t came in with the men.’ His voice was strained. ‘I thought you left.’ ‘I wouldn’t dare to do so. Kings’ orders.’ Enya answered and suppressed the shiver his presence evoked from her. She avoided his gaze, because she knew she would be terribly lost if she didn’t. ‘A wise decision.’ He stated. ‘Tell me, miss. Why are you always barely dressed when I encounter you?’ 'I have no idea, sir Oakenshield. But you always seem to encounter ME in this position. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong…’ 'And by the way,’ she added. 'I am covered this time. Don’t let your imagination run wild.’ She found her courage again and slowly looked up. He met her gaze and Enya bit her lip. He still looked extremely mad and his beautiful taunted expression was distracting her way more than it should. ‘Are you angry with me?’ he inquired as he deliberately came closer. ‘Yes.’ She insisted. ‘Very angry.’ ‘Good. Me too.’ Thorin growled. ‘And what on earth have I done now to earn your wrath?’ Enya blazed. ‘The list is endless.’ He shot back. ‘Let’s talk about you dancing and rolling your hips like THAT! Do you really intent on making EVERY MAN MAD WITH LUST FOR YOU?’ ‘I was just dancing!’ Enya objected. ‘Is that wrong?’ ‘You call that DANCING?’ Thorin shouted. ‘You DISTRACTED THAT POOR DORI WITH THE WAY YOU MOVE! AND THE WAY YOU MADE MY NEPHEWS LOOK AT YOU WHILE YOU SUNG THAT SONG…’ His face twitched in anger. ‘And why would that bother you personally?’ Enya hissed. ‘Why would you even care if the whole world wanted to have me?’ ‘Don’t.’ he growled. ‘Don’t defy me. And don’t let me get started about everything else you did wrong today.’ Enya rolled her eyes. ‘You surely do know how to hold grudges.’ ‘Don’t.’ he repeated. The wild, untamed look in his eyes that burned through her should be terrifying, but Enya’s breathing quickened and she licked her lips. No, she told her body. Don’t let him crack you just yet. Who the hell did he think he is to tell you how to dance? How to live YOUR life? ‘Obedience isn’t my nature, you know.’ She snapped. ‘So if that’s what you’re searching for, maybe you should try elsewhere. Maybe Dolvira knows how to be submissive.’ Thorin narrowed his eyes, but didn’t answer. He stood very close to her and she could feel the heat his body was throwing off. Enya didn’t want to give in, but her treacherous body ached for his touch and quivered. Her coat happened to fall off her lap and pooled around his feet. The bit her lip. She was hopelessly clumsy, but he would think she did it on purpose.

Oops.

Thorins’ eyes darkened and were clouded with lust. ‘You need to calm yourself down.’ He muttered. ‘As soon as possible.’ ‘ME? CALM DOWN?’ she yelled. ‘Yes.’ He answered. ‘I am perfectly calm.’ Enya said in a supercilious tone and she crossed her arms. ‘No, you’re not. ’Thorin said and mouth formed a little smile. ‘I AM!’ Enya bit back. ‘Then tell me: what is the secret to a strong and deep self-control?’ he asked. ‘How should I know?’ Enya hissed. ‘You tell me, MY KING.’ ‘The answer is ab-so-lu-te sexual abstinence.’ He told her. He raised a brow when Enya rolled her eyes again. ‘Yes, you’re certainly still learning to control your desires, miss…’ ‘I do quite poorly on self-control.’ Enya confessed. ‘And I’m not able to calm down easily.’ ‘I noticed.’ Thorin muttered. ‘And since you’re all worked up tonight… right now there is only one thing I can do to resolve this situation.’ ‘And what is your solution, if I may ask?’ Enya demanded. ‘It depends.’ He said. ‘On what?’ ‘You have to follow my orders this time, or I won’t be able to help you…’ he whispered. ‘What are you ta-’

He grabbed her waist and the sudden movement made Enya gasp (and forget what she was about to say…). His mouth crashed down on hers. Enya eagerly kissed him back, returning the same passion he poured into the kiss. His tongue curled around hers, teasing and stroking. When his lips parted from hers way too soon for her liking, she let out a protesting groan. ‘Let me see you.’ He growled in a low voice. ‘Why would I agree to that?’ Enya teased and she tilted her head. ‘I can tear your barely covering clothes off your body, if that’s what you want’ he answered. Although his tone was low and he sounded casual, Enya saw his eyes twinkling and she knew his threat wasn’t an empty one. He would tear ALL her clothes if she refused to oblige him. She caught her lip between her teeth and slowly did what he asked her to do. Her shirt landed on the ground. ‘Everything.’ He insisted. Enya raised one eyebrow. ‘That would be rather unfair, wouldn’t it?’ ‘I’ll be the judge of that…’ he husked. Enya stripped her panties off her body and threw them on the pile of clothing in the corner. Thorin pushed her onto her back and leaned over to kiss her again. His tongue slid over her mouth and a moan escaped from Enya’s mouth when he sucked on her bottom lip. ‘So beautiful.’ He murmured as his hands trailed over her naked body. Enya shivered and grabbed his tunic. Thorin groaned in response. ‘Be quiet. Keep still.’ He hissed and continued by licking and nipping her collarbone. His beard rasped against her sensitive skin of her neck and Enya bit her lip furiously. How was she supposed to be quiet AND keep herself from moving when he touched her like that?

Oh, that frustrating bastard! She knew exactly what he was doing. He was going to punish her for her “provocative” dance moves. He wanted her to be obedient this time. No… Enya held back a soft whimper. Her mind went hazy and she couldn’t think clearly anymore.

Thorin cupped her breasts; his thumbs circling around her nipples. His hands were rough and soft at the same time and Enya could not stop her body from quivering under his touch. Thorin lowered his head and slowly kissed his way down until his mouth found one of her nipples. He let his tongue flicker over it again and again. Enya’s eyes rolled back and she bit her hand furiously to prevent herself from yelling his name. She cursed him in silence for nearly killing her with pleasure.

This was too delicious. Too hot.

She did cry out when Thorin slid his hand slowly down her body and his fingers lightly brushed over her thighs. ‘I told you to be silent.’ He whispered and sucked her nipple. ‘How can I-?’ Enya started but she bit her lip quickly when she saw the look that crossed his face. His eyes were wicked and twinkled with lust.

Oh. OH! Panties shredding Thorin definitely didn’t like objections when he came into action…

‘That thing is called self-control, miss.’ He told her, in a low voice. ‘Being able to follow MY orders.’ ‘But I don’t-’ ‘Sssshh.’ He urged and then chuckled. The low sound set Enya on fire and she swallowed hard. Enya let her head fall back on the soft hay and held down a whimper as Thorins’ fingers brushed against the spot between her legs. Two fingers slicked inside of her and with his thumb he slowly rubbed her clit. Immediately Enya’s legs started to tremble. ‘Mahal, you’re so tight.’ Thorin hissed against her chest. ‘So wet. Ready for me.’ His fingers pumped in and out of her, slowly rubbing over and over on a sensitive spot inside that made Enya see stars. She bit back a moan. Good gods, this was a spot that a certain ex-boyfriend never bothered to direct his attention to! Or probably even didn’t knew about. Enya never felt this aroused before and closed her eyes to let the feeling consume her. ‘GOD SAVE ME!’ her mind screamed. Enya had to clench her teeth to keep silent. Her nails raked his muscular back and she felt Thorin humming in pleasure against her chest.

Oh no, this was too much pleasure. His thumb on her clit, slowly but steadily rubbing her into heaven, his fingers inside of her and filling her up, stretching her… OH! Enya above all tried to ignore his mouth and that damned tongue on her breasts. He sucked her nipples ruthlessly. She cried out when his free hand pinched the nipple that wasn’t being tortured by his tongue. Oh for heaven’s sake… Enya felt a well-known tension building up inside of her. Her breathing became ragged and unsteady. She didn’t want to come, but her muscles tightened and she couldn’t help herself. She was on the edge. One more move and she would… A loud protesting whimper left her mouth when Thorin suddenly stopped tormenting her. NO! The edge she had been on slowly faded away and Thorin took his time to kiss her abdomen. He let his tongue glide over her belly button piercing. God damn it, she KNEW he was aware of her nearing orgasm and he probably enjoyed agonizing her somewhat longer. ‘No!’ she cried as he nipped her hip bone. ‘Yes. You’re fully under my control.’ He whispered and Enya felt him smiling against her skin.

She hated the bastard! Enya decided she wasn’t going to be the only one being teased. She moved her hands quickly between them and let her fingers curl around the hard length under his clothes. She stroked him and let her tongue glide over her teeth. ‘A very visible and hard evidence is telling me you like what you see…’ she teased. Thorin let out a low, primal growl. With a quick move he pinned Enya’s wrists under his hand palms. ‘Who said you’re allowed to touch me?’ he hissed. ‘Me.’ Enya answered. She couldn’t keep her face straight and she knew her eyes sparkled with naughtiness. ‘I told you to keep still.’ Thorin breathed. ‘So keep your hands right here.’ He cautiously let go of her wrists. ‘And be quiet.’ He threatened. Enya bit her lip and gave him her “too cute to handle” face. ‘But I want to touch you. And I do quite poorly on being silent.’ ‘I won’t allow you. And I’m sure you can handle a simple command.’ He simply said and started kissing his way down again. Enya felt her breathing quicken. ‘I like this piece of jewelry.’ Thorin muttered as he touched her belly button piercing. Enya blushed and secretly was relieved he found it pretty. After all, dwarves were pretty picky about treasures. Thorin pushed her legs further apart and pulled her to the edge of the hay bale. The sudden movement pushed all the air out of Enya’s lungs. He kneeled before her and kissed her inner thighs. Enya shuddered. The sensation of his coarse facial hair against her sensitive flesh was setting her off. ‘You’re so delicate.’ Thorin breathed against her. His tongue slowly licked her folds.

Enya whimpered and lifted her hips, desperately wanting to be closer to him.

All hail the king…

She protested wordlessly as he pushed her down again. Yes, he was definitely trying to drive her insane. ‘DURIN! Save us all!!’ She cursed.

Good gods, he certainly did know how to use that tongue. He licked and nipped her and it drove her mad. Enya was writhing under him and bit her lip because she didn’t want to scream out loud. This was torture. Thorin dipped his tongue inside of her and Enya’s body arched up. ‘Thorin! Oh god Thorin, please!’ she begged. ‘No. You taste too good.’ he murmured as he kept teasing her with his tongue. Enya cried out in pleasure and he punished her noise immediately by sucking on her clit. Hard. Her body jerked and Enya inhaled sharply. How was she supposed to handle this intense feeling? He didn’t want her to make any sound, but he clearly also liked to drive her insane until she HAD to scream. There was no choice. She couldn’t be silent. ‘I want you!’ Enya shouted in agony. ‘Thorin! I want you inside of me! Please!’ He looked up and his eyes burned with passion. He lazily licked his lips before he answered her pleads. ‘You have to beg for it.’

BEG?

‘Me begging? I won’t give you such satisfaction.’ Enya growled. ‘No?’ he asked as he started sucking her clit again. ‘NO! … OHHH!’ Enya wanted to keep up a strong and very independent attitude, but the effect of her rigid rejection was destroyed by her loud moan at the end. Thorin made a low rumbling noise between her legs and the sound made her stomach clench even further. ‘PLEASE!’ she cried. ‘I beg you!’ She felt him smile against her sensitive flesh. ‘No. You’re not getting it.’ He stated. ‘WHAT?’ Enya shouted. ‘Tell me your pleasure is mine.’ He growled. His finger slipped inside of her again and he began rubbing thát sensitive spot. And his tongue… Oh his tongue! ‘My pleasure is yours…’ she stuttered. Enya bit her lip again. ‘Good. You will now scream for me, Enya.’ He rasped. ‘Let go.’ Enya buckled her hips again and cried out as he kept ruthlessly rubbing and licking (OH, and the sucking!) the most sensitive parts of her body. ‘Oh god!’ she moaned. Thorin growled at her. ‘Enya Blueheart, I need you to come for me.’ He commanded, without stopping tormenting her. ‘Right now.’ It was impossible for Enya to hold back or to defy his command. She let go and felt waves of pleasure flooding through her entire body. Enya gasped as her pleasure cracked and sent her tumbling over the edge, into orgasm. The intensity was one of the likes she never felt before. Her body jerked and shuddered. Enya screamed his name over and over again. ‘THORIN! Oh god god GOD, Thorin!’

Thorin softly slid his fingers out of her and leaned over her to kiss her neck. Enya pulled him closer and was pleased when he landed on top of her. ‘You can try to elevate the tension between us, but I still want you inside of me.’ She whispered in his ear. ‘I really need you to behave right now.’ he answered. ‘Why?’ ‘Because I tell you to do so.’ He breathed. Enya sighed. ‘What about that absolute sexual abstinence theory of yours, huh?’ Thorin held his expression together, but she saw his eyes twinkling in excitement. ‘Sometimes a short-term solution is needed. Especially when the subject is a very impatient lass like yourself, miss.’ ‘Do you tell that story to all the girls you chose to torture like this?’ Enya teased. Thorin frowned. ‘No, you seem the only one in desperate need of it.’ He quickly got up on his feet. ‘Get some rest.’ He ordered. Enya rolled over on her stomach and stuck out her tongue. ‘Like I can sleep now, sir Oakenshield.’ He smiled. ‘You’d better try, miss.’

He disappeared from her sight as he descended the stairs. Enya listened as the sounds of his boots faded and let out a deep sigh when the door of the hay mow creaked as it was closed again. Enya stared at the moon outside of the window and bit her lip. Jesus Christ. What the fucking hell just happened? Her whole body was flushed from his strokes. Well… It didn’t matter. For now at least. Her mind had shut itself off and it floated somewhere in heaven.

But even in this misty state, she knew one thing for certain.

She wanted more.

[livingdeadgirlslife-blog]

Leatherface Vs. Victor Crowley

It’s late summer, near the border of Texas and Louisiana... Two sisters, Mary, Lisa and Mary’s boyfriend Austin are all three headed to Louisiana for summer break from college. “Hey girls you like scary shit? I got a tale that will scare the shit outta ya.” Austin says. They stare at one another and Mary says, “Don't be fucking stupid, you know I don't like that shit.” Austin and Lisa both laugh and Lisa says, “Aww is my big sis scared?” The two start bickering for a moment, then Austin interrupts them.. “My mamaw told me about a man named Victor Crowley, he was born in the bayou out of wedlock. So his daddy’s wife cursed him and he was all disfigured, well that wasn’t all... It was so bad his momma died of fright from the sight of him. His own daddy killed him with a hatchet and everything! Well supposedly he murders people who wander to far in the swamps...” Silence... Mary and Lisa look at one another... Austin then let’s out a loud howl of laughter, “You should look at the two of y’all’s faces, too easy! Bet y’all don’t know anything more scarier then that?!” Austin says pleased of himself... Lisa then looks at Mary and says, “Yes we do but, it’s not about some boogeyman, this shit is as real as it gets. There’s a old butchery or meat packing plant, it’s said a woman gave birth right there on the floor causing the child to contract a flesh eating disorder. She quit after that... But it gets worse, some believe the boy is responsible for what was found in the back of a freezer. Four skinned bodies what looked like they were ate on, they closed it to investigate but no one has ever seen the woman or her family.”

“Thats fucked up.” Austin says looking at the gas hand on his truck,  “Shit!! Were almost out of gas, hopefully there’s a station close!” They continue down the road where they see a sign, they pull in to the old run down quick mart. Mary say’s, “Oh my god! Is this thing even in business?” They all get out of the truck and then head inside. They see a clerk behind the counter, a very pale and frail looking man, with dirt coveralls on. “Alright girls, gas and drinks and then were outta here.” A bells rings as they enter, “Howdy! This here is a full service station and my name is Choptop! Look’n to fill her up?” Austin nods with a half grin as the man walks out, they browse the store grabbing snacks and drinks. Choptop then walks back in and begins questioning them about their U-Haul and where they were headed. Austin ignores his questions and pulls out his wallet, the girl’s finish laying the stuff on the counter and Lisa asks, “What’s that building across the road?” Choptop smiles and laughs and tells her it used to be a butchery... Then out of no where a door swings open from behind Choptop, and the loud sound of a chainsaw erupts the station. Lisa, and Austin ran outside to the car and Austin screams, “Let’s get the fuck outta here!!!” They all ran toward the door and made it outside. Lisa hears Mary’s scream, come from inside the station. “NO we can’t leave her, Mary is still in there!” Austin and Lisa both run back toward the station, before they reached the doors Leatherface charged out the door running toward them with his chainsaw over his head! “Lisa get the fuck in!!” They both got inside, and sped off... Lisa screaming and crying looks into her rear view mirror and sees Leatherface staring them down as they drove away without Mary... 

“We left her! We have to fucking go back Austin, that is my sister!!” Lisa screams. Austin is panting and in shock, “Mary needs us to get help. We can't fucking help her! We need a phone, we need the cops. We have been driving for hours it seems, and we haven’t seen one fucking car or payphone. I don't even know where we are fucking at anymore!” Lisa starts panicking again, and sees it... Lights. “Speed up, there is a car behind us, what if it’s them?!” Austin gives a sigh of relief and begins to slow down, “Calm down Lisa, we’re miles ahead and at least 2-3 hours hours away from them. I have to stop and ask for directions so we can get Mary help.” He forced a smile at Lisa, trying to give her hope. Austin stops the car  and gets out, and says.. “Everything will be fine, I’ll be back.” Lisa tries to observe the truck in the rear view mirror, she sees Austin walking up to it closer and closer. Maybe everything will be okay, she thought to herself, these people will help us get ahold of authorities and my sister will be alri-... Austin let out a scream and that is when she saw Choptop step out of the truck, making eye contact and smiling at her through the car mirror. Leatherface stepped out from the back of the truck, he revved up his chainsaw and jabbed it through Austin’s abdomen. Lisa hurried to the drivers seat, shaking and screaming. The sound of the chainsaw disappeared, she looked into the mirror at him. His face looked familiar... As she looked closer she realized it was the face of her sister... Mary... She felt her body go cold, and numb. The car wouldn’t start, she began screaming and ran out of the car, down the road and finally made her was into the swamp. As she was running she heard the sound of the chainsaw getting closer and closer... She is breathing so hard and then her face hits the ground and she is buried in the tall grass. She realizes she tripped over a sign that reads “Honey Island Swamp”. She knew the name sounded familiar, but the loss of Mary and Austin, and the fear of Leatherface flooded her mind. Everything is silent. Maybe she out run him, she thinks to herself... Then she sees him... Not Leatherface, but a different man. A man so terrifying, she felt her whole body go stiff. It was Victor Crowley... Then the sound of the chainsaw grows closer and closer. “Where’d that hog bitch go!? Get that bitch Leatherface, get that bitch!” Lisa stays where she is, because none of them can see her, and she is too scared to move. Victor Crowley doesn’t move, he waits. Leatherface stares at Victor as he starts to rev up his chainsaw again. “Get a load of this hatchet faced fuck Leatherface!” Choptop laughs. Leatherface runs toward Victor Crowley with his chainsaw and misses. Victor is fast, and swings his hatchet into Leatherface’s arm and rips it completely off. Leatherface screams and howls in agony, as blood starts spraying out of his shoulder. Choptop begins screaming, “Peel that pig and slice him thic-”. Suddenly Choptop got the hatchet between the eyes. Leatherface is pissed and begins screaming, he starts spinning like a maniac with his chainsaw in his one hand. Leatherface ended up hitting Victor in the chest with his saw. Victor let’s out a loud growl, he takes his hatchet and cuts midway through Leatherface’s other arm and rips it off completely with his bare hands. Leatherface dips to his knees and is moaning like a wild animal, and looks up into Victor’s face. Victor Crowley takes the flesh of skin the used to be Mary’s face off of him. Revealing the monster underneath the mask. Victor picks up the chainsaw and rams it into his face, until there was no longer a face or a head for the matter.

Lisa knew it was time to get the hell out of there, the sound of the chainsaw that was still inside of Leatherface’s head drowned out the sound of her running away. She didn’t make it out with Mary or Austin but she made it out with her life.

The End.  

[hear-the-dokidoki]

Everything Fades - Chapter V

A Jungkook story inspired by Kimi no Na wa

Summary: Once in a while when I wake up, I find myself crying. The dream I must’ve had, I can never quite remember. Yet, the sensation that I’ve lost something important always lingers for a long time…

Her: Just a normal day in my boring, calm li- HOLY SHIT I’M IN JEON JUNGKOOK’S BODY.

Him: Alright, let’s go to prac- WAIT WHY DO I HAVE BOOBS?

Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Chapter V – Thank the Gods for Jeon Jungkook’s Muscles

My eyes are vehemently fixed on my hands as the car transports us towards... well, I’m not really sure.

To my left, there’s Kim Seokjin, and, behind me, Min Yoongi and Park Jimin.

“I’m surrounded by the enemy,” I think.

I feel a bit claustrophobic.

“Ahhh, what am I supposed to do..? Last time I possessed Jungkook, in some miraculous turn of event, it was a day for individual schedules… I just locked myself in the bedroom skipping my meeting with the producers by claiming I was too sick to even move… And the first time lasted only a few minutes because I lost conscience…”

My head slowly turns to the car door.

Which is made of solid metal.

I stare.

“What if…”

I consider the idea for a solid minute.

“I don’t want him to get a concussion either,” I think, frowning. “And the other members would think that I… that he…”

I sigh, highly frustrated.

“That we’d gone crazy or something.”

I rub my eyes.

“How many hours of sleep did this body even get? I feel like my eyelids are made of lead.”

I let out a short fake-cry sound.

“Jungkook-ah,” Jin says. “What’s up with you?”

“Shit. I forgot about him for a sec. Ahhh, fuck me.”

I lick my lips, trying to look natural (and I probably look as natural as a turquoise whale in the middle of Time Square).

“I… stayed up until late… studying. Yeah...”

Jin looks surprised. “What were you studying?”

“…”

“What does Jungkook even study? I think he has online courses or something, but that kid looks clueless 50% of the time.”

I clear my throat.

“You know… Some… Korean... stuff.”

“I thought you played Overwatch with Taetae until you both passed out,” Jimin says from the backseat.

Jin stares at me. I stare at my hands. My hands… don’t have eyes.

“Jungkook-ah, this-” Jin begins.

I feel something warm on my chin.

“Oh!” Jin blurts out. “You’re nose bleeding.”

He reaches for a tissue box by his feet and shoves a few pieces in my face.

“Aish, this hasn’t happened to you in a while,” Jin comments with a deep frown.

Yoongi and Jimin look up from their phone and ask if I’m okay. Mechanically, I nod.

“You must be very tired,” Jin continues.

I’m as stiff a brick, leaned as far as possible in my chair. Kim Seokjin is a foot away from me, and even though I can escape his gaze, I can’t avoid having him in my field of vision.

“Tired,” I let out. “That must be it. Haha. Ha. Yeah… I’m tired.”

Jin sighs. “We just have five hours of dance practice, today.”

“Just?” I think. “Just five hours?”

“Try to get through, okay?” Jin says gently. “Hyung will pay for your lunch latter.”

"asdfghjkl.”

I try to force a smile, though I’m not sure if he sees it, under the thickness of reddened tissues piled on my lower face.

“Thanks,” I manage to mumble.

After a few minutes, the bleeding stops, and I’m told to try to sleep for the little time left in the car.

“Thank the gods for making me bleed,” I think. “That saved me, just now.”

My eyes flutter open for a second, and I shut them tight again.

“Well, that was a fucked-up thought… But… maybe blood is the solution? This whole thing is supernatural anyways, maybe getting some blood magic involved wouldn’t be so bad…”

“…”

“Yeah, I think my body being tired is affecting my psyche…”

I yawn, and I feel a hand patting my shoulder.

“I don’t even want to know,” I think, before another thought comes. “But… I guess I have to get used to this. Seeing them in real life and all. I can’t have them finding out that some random girl is inhabiting their baby maknae. I... I have to act like him.”

I open one eye, and glance over my shoulder. Jin is busy with some phone game and Yoongi seems asleep. Park Jimin sees me looking in his direction, and offers me a smile, taking one of his headphones off.

“Oh my god he’s the softest thing I’ve ever seen.”

He leans in closer to me.

“Are you feeling better?” he murmurs.

“Y-yeah,” I shot back, feeling my cheeks burning up.

He watches me with care.

“How is he so handsome what the hell.”

“You look a bit sick…” he adds softly. “Try to sleep, Jungkookie.”

I slowly nod and turn back, burying myself in my seat.

“Yeah, let's try that. It might get me outta here.”

I close my eyes and drift into that awful semi-consciousness state between sleep and awakeness. Stuck in a disordered hurricane of thoughts, I can’t say that I get any rest. Before I know it, the car is immobile and someone is shaking my arm.

“Get up, Jungkook-ah,” a voice says.

In a daze, I’m being ushered up and being dragged around.

“Am I… Am I in the Big Hit building?” I think.

I’m too tired to process my surroundings. Everything is a blur, and at some point music starts to blast from big speakers.

“Holy shit,” I let out, eyes widening.

I find Namjoon right in front of me.

“Jungkook-ah,” he begins gently. “I know you’re not feeling well right now, but practice is starting in a few minutes. If it’s too hard on you, we’ll take more breaks than usual, alright? Just tell me if you need it.”

He offers me a hand. Reluctantly, I take it.

“Oh gods.”

I gulp.

“I am Jeon Jungkook,” I tell myself. “This is a fucking mess, but for now, I am Jeon Jungkook. That’s me. Yup.”

I take Namjoon’s hand, and he pulls me on my feet.

I’m pulled into position, and from how we’re standing, I can guess that we’re doing the Blood, Sweat and Tears choreo.

“Never thought watching some Korean guys’ dance practice over fifty times would ever be of any actual use,” I think, and my lips curl up slightly.

“We’re starting in 5,” Jung Hoseok says.

“Wait.”

“4”

“I…”

“3”

“I can’t dance.”

“2”

“Shit.”

“1”

The music begins.

Without my permission, my body starts to follow the beat.

“What the-”

Ten seconds go by, then twenty, thirty… I make no mistake. 

At least, Jungkook’s body doesn’t.

“Oh my god I can dance.”

His muscles just move on their own accord. I glance at my reflection in the mirror.

“Wah… I don’t look like a seagull having a seizure.”

I continue to freak out in my head, and I barely notice when the music is stopped in the middle of the song.

“Jin-hyung,” Hoseok begins, and they discuss the way the eldest was moving his legs.

I’m too busy thinking about the miracle of muscle memory, and when the music resumes, I’m wide awake and ready to be Jeon Jungkook.

We work on a lot of things, and I try to understand the technical words that are used. It’s difficult, and I tell myself that I’ll have to find time to study all that. Later, we spend an eternity on monitoring some previous perfomances, and I scarcely survive by making sounds when other members react and by saying a couple vague comments about how we perhaps should've done this or that differently.

The day of work, even though apparently shorter than usual, finally comes to an end. I’m sweaty and burned up, but this body has a stamina far greater than my own, so I’m still somewhat alive.

On the way home, we stop by a fast food, and Jin orders me the food he promised. On any other day, I would have an intense reaction about that Jinkook moment, but for now, I’m starving, and the only thing I can think about is eating. During the rest of the drive, the members chat amongst themselves, and I look out the window, observing the streets of Korea. It’s very odd and interesting, enough to keep me conscious. Food coma is kicking in, and I fell myself drifting a couple times, but I need to communicate with Jungkook, and I can’t do that if I leave now.

As soon as we reach the dorms, in spite of Jin’s insistence about seeing a doctor (“This sickness is strange, Jungkook-ah. It’s making you act in a very weird manner.”), I run to my bedroom and bury myself under my covers, pretending to be asleep. I hear the door opening one or two times, and the dancing shadows on my wall tell me that it’s some of the members checking on me.  After what seems like an eternity of trying hard not to fall into Morpheus’ arms, I decide to take a chance and hope that I’ll be left alone.

On tiptoes, I go to the desk and find a pen. I write a quick message on my arm, reread it a couple times, then allow myself a sigh of relief. I scavenge the closet and find a thin jacket. Putting it on, I crawl back into bed, and, at long last, let myself drift into the world of dreams.

> Next chapter 🌸

[countcalebwrites]

My military experience Pt. 2

So yeah. I left out a few things in Pt. 1. Minor stuff. The time I pretended I had to use the bathroom to give my foot a rest. I left out a lot of stuff about marching. We had to march. A lot. At specific cadence. The training instructors were trained to look at everyone’s timing at once, so you best not fuck that up. 

When you talk to a training instructor, you’re required to start the statement off with “Sir/Ma’am, Trainee [last name] reports as ordered!” Exception being simple statements like “Yes sir” and etc.You’re also required to say “permission to adjust?” if you want to move your hands while talking. The training instructor I had reminded us a lot, as if you don’t say that before moving your hands, he’s allowed to take violent action towards you.

Another thing I left out in Pt. 1 was my first lunch break. I thought lunch time would be a rather chill moment and a break from all the hostile shit, but boy was I wrong! You’re supposed to carry your food and walk a certain way or you get CHEWED out. When you walk by all the instructors who are eating, they look for things to chew you out on. Scary. You’re not allowed to talk during lunch, or you also get chewed out. I experienced this. I asked someone to pass the ketchup and my training instructor flipped. So I tried to use sign language and pointed at the ketchup then I pointed at myself. They understood. I was halfway done with my food and then lunch ended. You’re supposed to eat REALLY fast. 

Anyway, it was eventually recommended that I get transferred to med-hold. I didn’t tell my training instructor about this for a while. Idk. The news got out in my dorm that I was transferring out. Some dudes walked up to me and told me they liked me and didn’t want to see me go. That was pretty touching cause I didn’t think anyone cared about me like that. One dude asked if I ever went to LSU, and how he almost played against them as a punt returner, but he got kicked out of college for weed and ended up joining the air force as his new path.

Real shit.

Anyway, I packed all of my stuff in this heavy ass bag and got escorted to my new dorm. I had a wingman who was being seperated from training. He got into a fight with someone. He was on one of the last weeks of training, too. I figured I shouldn’t fuck with him.

We had to wait in this office to talk to this high-ranking dude before getting transferred. I was pretty bored. I decided to read the small bible they gave me at church. I got yelled at for reading that and was told to read my air manual. I was like “aight whatevs” in my head. I didn’t care what I was reading. I read some of the combat section of the manual. It told me that kicking someone in the balls is a very viable combat strategy. Word.

Got called in. Dude asked me my plans in life blah blah. Then he approved of me leaving. 

One rule I didn’t mention is the fact you’re supposed to have a hat on outside at all times. You’re also never supposed to wear it indoors. You have to develop a quick technique of folding it and unfolding it a lot to put it in your pocket. I had my heavy ass bags and etc and I forgot to put my hat back on when I walked outside. A training instructor backed his truck up and yelled “HEY YOU. NICE HAT. REAL NICE HAT YOU GOT THERE. NICE HAT MAN!!!”

My personal training instructor (who didn’t notice I didn’t have my hat on) told me to put it on. Fuckin weirdos. 

Fast-foward. I’m in med-hold. Med-hold is where you go if:

1. you are injured

2. you are overweight or underweight

3. you are suspended/about to seperate

If you fall into one of the above categories, you go to med-hold and they decide what happens next. Some people get sent back to training if they get their weight right or their injury heals. Some people get sent home after further doctor visits and etc. That was me.

Med-hold isn’t nearly as hostile as the rest of the training, but it can be. Some of the people there might have mental disorders, so the training instructors are a bit more chill. After I got briefed on everything and temporarily got my cellphone back to call my parents, I went to my new dorm. I pretty much went to sleep immediately. I was even more sleep-deprived than I was before.

When I woke up, this white dude was laughing at me saying I was in a pretty deep sleep, as he was shooting rubberbands at me the whole time without me flinching. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. His nickname was McCrazy, and you can kinda guess why they called him that.

Uusually med-hold dorms have a training instructor, but they just happened to be short on people. So we kinda had our own rule there. We had pretty crazy dorm chief. (a dorm chief is the same rank as you basically, but he’s responsible for keeping order and can tell on you to a training instructor)

One time, after we showered, he walked out naked and said “everyone admire my HUGE dick. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you gay to admire a dick.”

One morning he woke up and began singing “I love my mamacita, I give her my burrita”

Another time he walked in and said “yo I was on a scouting mission to see what kinda bitches I can fuck when I get outta here”

This one white dude referred to him as a “stereotypical black dude” which landed him a side-eye (from me). Anyway, dorm chief basically tore his ACL during training and wasn’t allowed to go home or anything because the military pretty much doesn’t like to send people home with injuries to avoid lawsuits or something like that. 

I kept to myself for a good while, but med-hold is SO BORING. You’re required to clean your dorm and make your bed and report every morning and etc, but you’re mostly not doing anything except for talking to people in the dorm if you’re not going to one of your doctor’s appointments.

I ogt so bored I started doing a lot of real-life trolling. Like walking up to this one guy and saying “say bruh, you wanna start something?” all menacingly. Then saying “Cause you look rather educated, I think you’d make a good partner if we started a business” He laughed and told me “man I thought you were tryna fight or something”

I did this kinda stuff a lot. One day I wrapped myself in tattered sheets and told everyone I’m an ancient sorcerer who can cast spells. Don’t judge me, I had to entertain myself somehow!

Other people had their own troll routines too. This one dude I knew (we were very cool) pretended to be gay a lot. It was probably a kinda homophobic routine, but it was just hilarious to me because of how he executed it. Like one time we were all going upstairs and he yelled “mmmhmmm. get yall sexy asses up them stairs”

Then another time he walked up to me and he was like “yo man, you tryna get me to suck yo dick or something?? Walkin’ round here like that” lmao

There were a lot of hypothetical discussions and etc in our dorm. “Who would win in a fight, Hulk or Goku?” I pretty much said Goku for every hypothetical. Eventually our dorm chief chimed in and he was like “man. Y’all niggas should be picking Goku everytime for that shit”

Speaking of the dorm chief, he eventually told me “Yo Bailey. You didn’t really talk much when you first got here, but you talk a lot now. Even though you’re fucking weird, I’m glad you’re talking and shit now”

There was this one dude in our dorm, he was in charge of door duty. That’s not the official name for it but yeh, it was door duty. Basically, you sit/stand at the door and do a security clearance for people exiting and entering. People have to show ID and you’re supposed to verify it and ask them to come in. I did this duty a few times.

One time a training instructor came (you’re supposed to screen training instructors too) and I asked him to ID and he told me his name. I thought this was a trick and asked him to show ID again and he told me “OPEN THIS GOD DAMN DOOR” and I was like “*cough* access granted” and let him through.

Another time, a dude from a different dorm came and asked for our dorm chief. I told my dorm chief and he was like “yo tell him I’m not here” So I did. Then the dorm chief said “wait nevermind” and came to the door. The guy I just lied to looked at the chief, then looked at me and said “yooo you bitch ass nigga” lmao

Anyway, the door duty guy was weird. He was from Wisconsin. He told me that there’s not many black people from Wisconsin, so he wanted to “study” me. Weirdo.

Speaking of racism, this one white dude got transferred in our dorm, and I HATED him. He was really racist. He made jokes about black girls being too loud and I wanted to beat his ass. The assistant dorm chief who was afro latino basically said he was excited to bully that guy.

Every week, we were required to attend a “don’t kill yourself” meeting. It was boring as shit. But that was clearly an issue, as some people probably ended up mentally fucked from knowing they were stranded there for so long if their injury took too long to heal.

At times, it felt like I’d never get to home or return to training. 

I had a few appointments I ended up going to. One I went with this one dude, I remember his last name was Farr. He was cool. I remember we debated some random shit in the waiting room and we asked this one woman for her take and when she left he said in a semi-british accent “I must say, she had quite nice cleavage” The accent was funny cause he was definitely a southern black dude.

But yeah. to be honest, she did. He wasn’t lying. Speaking of cleavage, this might be TMI, but I thought I developed erectile dysfunction or some shit. I hadn’t been sexually aroused in so long lmao

Anyway, I also remember the TV talking about Clint Eastwood talking to a chair or some shit? Was weird. Being in military training kinda cuts you off from the rest of the world. I had no idea what kinda stuff was happening in the news. 

The foot specialist doctor who saw me told me there was pretty much nothing that could be done for my foot except surgery, and that the military wouldn’t want to pay for that.

He was right. After rehab and a few more checkups, I eventually got an orange armband. That armband means you’re getting sent home eventually.

Eventually. Like I said, it’s not a simple process. A lawyer has to terminate your contract, etc. All that waiting sucked.

I remember the A/C dying and us being allowed to go to the mall and shop and shit with our paychecks. That was cool. We HAD to leave and not stick around be cause San Antonio is hot as fuck. It was regularly 100 F and we had winter uniforms on. Some dudes bought magic the gathering cards, yugioh cards, etc. One dude bought a basketball for some reason. I didn’t really buy shit. 

I remember going to this one chicken place on the base and falling in love with the girl who took my order for my chicken tho. I was telling myself stuff like “Damn...she def wants me cuz she took my order with a genuine smile. Then I had one of my trademark inner debates. Like “nigga, that’s what she’s paid to do. She don’t want your ass. You can’t talk to women here anyway.”

The more cynical me had a point. 

Anyway, after we ate I remember us going to this old ass theater and watching a movie. It was Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I got nacho cheese on my uniform and it came right off and I was all amazed by the stain technology. Diary of a Wimpy Kid wasn’t memorable, by the way. I forgot what happened.

Oh, I forgot to mention: I was sick. I had the damn flu. Sharing space with 30+ dudes probably does that.

Remember the racist guy whose ass I wanted to beat? One time I came back and found him drinking out of my canteen. It had my name on it. I told him to keep it. Who knows what kinda germs that shithead had. $10 down the drain!

When we got our A/C back, things were a lil better. I was still pretty sick, but at least I wasn’t going through extreme temp changes anymore. We kept having our nerdy discussions. This one dude was talking about his Pokemon team and naming pokemon whose names I didn’t recognize. I was kinda upset by that cause I used to run a Pokemon fansite. Smh. He was a native dude from Louisiana. He told me if he lived in the town I’m from, he’d probably kill himself.

Aight then.

I ended up coughing a ton from being sick. Especially at night. Oh, by the way. Two people are required to patrol the dorm at night while everyone sleeps. I had that duty once. The buddy I mentioned earlier who would do the gay trolling routine told me to drink water and don’t worry about doing my patrol, he’d handle it for me. I really appreciated that. 

I didn’t want to keep people up with my coughing and sickness, so I slept in the bathroom. It’s not as bad as it sounds. One time someone walked in, pissed, and left. Then he went back in and did a doubletake towards me and went “Yo Bailey, WHAT THE FUCK”

and left.

Weeks passed. I’m still not home yet. I was getting really annoyed. Also, time seems to go by a LOT longer in a military dorm. My first day felt like an entire week had passed. One time I volunteered to help deliver some documents. That was a good idea. The people I delivered the documents for told me they’d help me get home faster for helping them.

The day finally came. My name was called. “You get to go home” I was so happy. Wearing regular clothes again felt wild. As a trainee, you’re kinda trained to move out of the way for training instructors and higher-ranked people. When I had on jeans and a t-shirt, I moved out of the way in this hallway for an instructor he was like “hah, it’s cool brotha, just pass”

I felt human again. Not being yelled at by an instructor felt legit. This one guy called me by first name, which I had to get used to again. Was kinda weird.

I got to the San Antonio airport and this one military guy saw me with documents in my hand (they were military seperation documents) he was like “yo you getting deployed bruh?” I was like “nah, the opposite lol”

Ended up at the airport in Dallas. I was alone this time. I ended up lost for 45 minutes. That airport was fuckin huge. Imagine a sick dude in an airport wandering around for almost an hour. Not pretty. My flight to New Orleans was delayed anyway though.

Finally got to New Orleans. Finally got home. Got on my computer. Played Channel Orange. I wanted to listen to that so bad for some reason.

SHE’S GIVING ME...PLEAASSSSUREEEEEE

[aquarianlights]

This has been such a stressful start to the semester I cannot even explain...

I am so fucking stressed out and my mother is not making it any fucking easier. I feel *really* bad for saying this, but I really can’t wait until she leaves tomorrow morning. I really do appreciate what she has done for me today and yesterday!! I do! But...my god, just. . .please, I have SOOOOOOOOOO much to do!!! I don’t have TIME for guests.

Like, I just REALLY enjoy living alone. I get SO much done and I can do everything on my own time in my own way and everything is exactly how I like it and everything is absolutely SPOTLESS and nothing is EVER left out and nothing is EVER not cleaned immediately and everything has a place and everything is in its place at all times unless I’m using it and everything is facing in the right directions at all times and everything is so nice and quiet and I don’t have to worry about “Can my roommates in the next room hear me? Am I being too loud?” and I can cry from my excruciating pain when I need to and I can just get up and run errands real quick when I actually am able to get the energy up to do it and it doesn’t have to be a big thing of who’s going and what are we getting and what do we need because I ALREADY KNOW because unlike my former roommates, I am EXTREMELY organized and EXTREMELY clean and EXTREMELY meticulous about my upkeep of everything in the house (taking out the trash, laundry, dishes, etc...). Nothing is ever procrastinated on. Ever. I have not been one to procrastinate in a LONG time. I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I procrastinated on something.

It’s such a surreal feeling to say this, but I actually do not understand people who procrastinate on everything until the last fucking second. Yet. . .I used to BE that person because of my depression for almost my ENTIRE LIFE up until a handful of years ago so I really SHOULD understand but I’m such a different person that I genuinely don’t. I---Quinn or Killian---can genuinely not even IMAGINE procrastinating on ANYTHING. I can’t imagine pushing ANYTHING back even by like... a day.

The SECOND I notice I need to do something, the furthest it will get pushed back is an hour. Idk if it’s part of my OCD now (since I was only recently diagnosed with OCD and only recently developed it, I really do not know much about the disorder. People reference it a lot jokingly like “Oh my god becky you’re so ocd hahaaha” like white people are so terrible about doing that and I HATE it, but BECAUSE of that, I genuinely do not know what this disorder entails......).

Like..... is a lack of procrastination part of OCD? Because after I notice a thing needs to be done, it eats away at me until it’s done.

For instance, let’s say I notice the trash is full and I need to take it out to the dumpster and change the bag. That involves collecting the little bags from the tiny trash cans and then taking the big bag down three flights of stairs and walking across the road to the dumpster and then coming back up three flights of stairs and then changing the big bag and the little bags. I can see why/how a lot of people would procrastinate on that. NOT ME. Why?

The second I notice it needs to be done, I get this weird feeling in my entire body that is more concentrated in my chest than anywhere and it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get comfortable and IMPOSSIBLE to focus on anything (whether it be homework, a TV show, or even a conversation with a friend) until I have done that thing. So I literally feel like I don’t even have a choice in doing it immediately. Even if I don’t have ANY energy, I just tell myself “Look. All it is is a less than 5 minute thing that if you get done now will be a lot less work later and you’ll feel so much better when it is done and then you won’t have to worry about it tomorrow so just do the thing. It’s really not that big of a deal to walk a bit. It’ll do you good.”

And I do feel better afterwards. I feel much better, like this serene feeling of relief will wash over me after things are done and I have nothing left on my “to-do” list except long term things and my body will allow me to relax in bed and stuff. It’s so nice.

But this is applicable to literally ANYTHING. Making a phone call, homework, taking a shower, chores around the house...EATING... like, anything.

I can’t find a way to put ANYTHING off for over an hour. An hour is the longest amount of time I can give myself to just...chill and relax after getting home from a long day at school before absolutely NEEDING to do the thing.

I’ve been really wondering if it’s an OCD thing lately. Coz I REALLY DID used to be the person who would constantly put things off until the very last second because I had a negative amount of motivation due to my major depressive disorder, which I really don’t have anymore (I think??). I mean, I would put research papers and stuff off until the night it was due and I would speed-write it in the last few hours before the due date time and submit it RIGHT AT 11:59pm when it would be due online at midnight or I’d do them right outside the classroom right before class or even IN THE CLASSROOM DURING CLASS while our teachers were talking about the assignment and collecting it (that last one was mostly during high school). 

A lot of times, I would procrastinate so badly that someone else who loved me would do my work for me because I was so unmotivated that I just literally couldn’t find any motivation to do it and I’d be crying and cutting myself over it instead of trying to do it ...because I just...literally...couldn’t. There was this executive dysfunction block SO BADLY. I mean, I cannot even express to you guys how bad my executive dysfunction was all my life up to a few years ago.

Sometimes I’d just get 0′s because I’d procrastinate to the point of not doing ANYTHING or push myself so far back that I’d only get a part of it done and I am such a perfectionist that I wouldn’t allow my professors to see anything less than perfect, so I wouldn’t submit anything.

Didn’t figure out until a year or so ago that it’s SO much better to submit SOMETHING than nothing at all. Doesn’t fucking matter what or if it’s not good. They don’t fucking care. It’ll save your damn grade.

But I’m REALLY wondering if this INCREDIBLY STARK CHANGE has been because I recently developed OCD. Because this anti-procrastination/get on top of things immediately thing seemed to develop right around the time I developed OCD behaviours, before I developed an OCD diagnosis.

It’s really odd and one thing that I’ve had a love-hate relationship with.

Same thing with my hyper-cleanliness and germaphobic-ness getting worse and worse and worse. Hell, my mom left her tea cup out on the counter like she always does wherever she is coz she has tea periodically throughout the day and uses the same cup. . .and I just fucking FLIPPED! I mean.... I fucking went OFF. I was shaking and about to have a panic attack.

So yeah, albeit it’s made me an INSANELY clean person (whereas in the past, my clothes would be EVERYWHERE and I’d just leave things on the floor all the time, bottles would be everywhere, the trash would never be taken out of my room unless my parents or roommates did it, and my bed was never made and also had a MILLION things on it at all times and barely ANY room for me to sleep EVER), it has also made me VERY panicky about germs and cleanliness and anti-clutter. I guess taking this human pathogens course isn’t exactly helping...lmao. I need it for my profession as a surgeon, though, so there’s no way outta it. Errrghhh....

But it ALL keeps getting worse and worse and worse as the days go on. I’m getting more and more panicky and snappy over the smallest of things. So far, it seems to be localized to my apartment and my car, thankfully. And, ofc, I do pick up and clean at my friends houses/apartments. Which... they certainly do not mind LMAO.

But everyone who knew me growing up and from young adulthood are all just like “WOW You’re so grown up! Wow oh my gosh look at how clean you’ve been and how spotless your apartment is and how ORGANIZED everything is!! You’ve always been clean, but just had that very cluttered style. So everything looked messy. But my god, your apartment is SO spotless and organized. Do you wanna teach me your secret?? Haha. :)”

They don’t see all the breakdowns I have where I am on my hands and knees scrubbing the same spot repetitively for an hour and then deep cleaning the apartment for the third time in the same day because “I’m just not quite sure it was effective the first two times...” and such. And they don’t see that I hallucinate bugs all the time and have freakouts. I mean, I’ve hallucinated bugs for many years. But. . .it’s been SO bad since OCD came about.

ANYWAYS... I’m gonna stop ranting coz it’s 9pm and I am wiped the fuck out. :| I wanna sleep again tonight since I only got to sleep for 15 hours in the span of the past 7 days. Pulled 3 all nighters and didn’t have time to sleep for much of the other days coz of exams. It was fucking rough. :| :| :|

Gonna have some dinner coz I am hangry. [Still mad about something that I won’t even get into here... if you’re on my fb, then you know...sigh.]

I just REALLY cannot wait to go back to my alone routine tomorrow. I quite love living alone. A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. :| :| :| :| :| I don’t know if I ever wanna live with roommates again. Lmao. As long as I have friends nearby, living alone is FANTASTIC. ;A;