#but i’d be lying if the manic energy of it wasn’t speaking to me

[genderfluid-draws]

me: damn that shot of espresso really didn’t do anything for me. also me: *draws this for a warmup*

[ID copied from alt text: a digital color-blob sketch in blue, yellow, purple, and green of a person with four arms and two chests holding three magician’s canes and grinning unsettlingly. End ID]

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[all-about-remadora]

200 followers!

So here’s a list of One shots for celebrate✨

Everyone Deserves A Someone by LoquaciousLupin

With nothing better to do during the holidays at Grimmauld Place, Hermione and Ginny wonder whether their former Professor has a special someone - with no other ideas, they do the only thing they can and ask him. With a little help from Tonks, Remus answers their questions as honestly... as he can. Remus and Tonks fluff.

A Beautiful Tune by SweetDeamon

I'm...not coming." he said, reaching to shove his hands deep into his pockets. "On the mission. With you." Tonks stared at him in confusion. "Why not?" she asked, grip upon the cloak in her hand going limp. Remus struggled to come up with a convincing lie. "Because I...I..." Because I'm dying. Because you've struck me dead in the heart.

The Unspeakable Girl by SweetDeamon

"She makes me feel so on top of this world that I wish I'd never been born into it in the first place! So I can't stand to talk about her, Dad! I simply can't!" In which Remus Lupin visits his father and confesses something quite extraordinary. Based on information from POTTERMORE. Consider yourselves warned. RLNT.

The Future's Not Ours To See by Gilpin

Remus Lupin has a lot on his mind; his current undertaking for the Order of the Phoenix, and how to obtain questionable potions from an unhelpful Apothecary owner. Can he bring both to a satisfactory conclusion?

Rhapsody in Blue by copperbadg

Remus has decided it's time to cure Tonks of her awkwardness, the only way he knows how.

Kissing It Better by Lady Bracknell

On her first date with Remus, Tonks discovers that spilt beer on wooden floors is the enemy of the less than surefooted everywhere. Will she die of embarrassment, or will Remus find a way to make it all better?

Kiss and tell by Lady Bracknell

For all his supposed genius, Sirius Black had always had rather a blind spot for the patently obvious.

What To Make Of Him by Lady Bracknell

Neither Ted nor Andromeda know quite what to make of their daughter's boyfriend. Can he win them round over Sunday lunch?

On First Impressions by  cafei-au-lei

"'You know,' Sirius said, 'it's kind of funny. For someone who thinks Remus is so annoying, you sure can't seem to stop talking about him.'" A series of moments in Remus and Tonks' developing relationship as they get to know each other and learn that maybe first impressions aren't necessarily everything. OOTP. Fluffy oneshot.

The Order's Most Eligible Bachelors by cafei-au-lei

The Order's Most Eligible Bachelors, or: the ladies indulge in some firewhiskey and gossip. Sirius and Remus stumble upon a game they're not sure they want to be privy to (okay, maybe Sirius does.) The results lead to some necessary conversation and introspection for a few of the parties involved. Oneshot.

The Talk, Or: The (Lighthearted) Trauma of Teddy R Lupin by cafei-au-lei

Teddy knew when Dad brought out the firewhiskey that something was suspicious. Then again, maybe he wasn't giving Dad enough credit for being the cool parent. AU. Remus and Tonks survive to raise their son and give him The Dreaded Talk. Oneshot.

Movement by MrsTater

Things appear to have changed. One shot, RLNT

Retrograde by MrsTater

Sequel to Movement: Tonks strongly suspected, though she hadn't much experience, that it wasn't normal for adults who fancied other adults to do what she was doing now.

Kernels by MrsTater

A Transfigured Hearts outtake: a cosy night in with Remus takes an unexpected turn when popcorn finds its way into odd places and leads Tonks to make an important discovery.

Party till the wolf comes by MrsTater

Fatherhood doesn't send Remus on a pub crawl, but announcing the birth of his son to his closest friends turns out to be the next best thing.

Overheard by MrsTater

Sirius tries to play matchmaker for an ambivalent Remus and Tonks, but when everyone keeps overhearing everyone else's conversations, things get a little complicated as shapeshifters prove to be anything but predictable... Updated Sept 3, 2007

The Honeymooners by MrsTater

Two years after their wedding, Remus and Tonks finally make it on their honeymoon. But now they've got something they didn't when they first married, will they be able to stop thinking about it long enough to enjoy themselves? AU

A Conversation That’s Not About Veela by starfishstar

Harry and Professor Lupin talk about women, and other things. During Christmas of HBP. (A gen story, but with very strong hints of Remus/Tonks and Harry/Ginny.)

Sleeping by starfishstar

Tonks sleeps; Remus muses

Precisely What I Mean by starfishstar

Remus with Teddy was easily the sweetest thing Tonks had ever seen. It seemed Remus couldn't ever hold Teddy without gazing down at his son with a huge, helpless, delighted grin. "Don't your cheeks ever get tired?" Tonks couldn't help teasing him once, and he'd glanced up, bewildered by the question – he didn't even realise he was doing it.

A Slow and Stopping Curve by aegle

Concerning Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks. Set during Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince.

St. Margaret's by aegle

Remus, Tonks, a Muggle automobile, and a slightly disappointing beach adventure

On Bethlehem Down by aegle

Remus Lupin finds himself at Nymphadora Tonks' flat on Christmas Eve, 1996

The poem which i do not write by aegle

So, it has come to London with them, whatever it is.

The Watch by Sirussly

He'd grown so used to her endless chatter and relentless questions, a burning ball of energy with a laugh like her mother's. Some nights Tonks would listen to him instead, to stories of war and the price one pays for being a soldier in the middle of it. Occasionally neither of them would speak, but once her hand found his and stayed there until the sunrise coloured the sky.

Flame by Eat a Taco

It's strange what the soft light of a candle can do to someone.RLNT, sometime during HBP

Cover Me by Maggiemaye

Remus and Tonks embark on a mission that tests their well-established partnership to its limits. Even while surrounded by Death Eaters hidden in plain sight, they find that their greatest threats may come from within.

Expecto Patronum by Shimotsuki

Remus and Tonks have dinner at the Potters' after seeing Teddy off on the Hogwarts Express. James and Al are full of questions, including one that not even Harry knows the answer to.

Meet the Reindeer by SweetDeamon 

Nothing untoward had happened since Teddy had arrived home from Hogwarts for the holidays this year. So far there had been no manically jingling elves, no traumatised Santa Claus, no mass snowball fights, no exploding cans of fake snow and as of yet nothing had come hurtling down the chimney or splattered anything or anybody with ammunition of the culinary kind. So far. RLNT AU.

Meet the Teacher by SweetDeamon 

In which Remus and Dora receive word from Hogwarts that their son's homework has been completed in a far from satisfactory manner. The subject? Defence Against the Dark Arts. The topic? Werewolves. They've been expecting trouble since the beginning of term...but who feels less prepared? Teddy's parents or Teddy's teacher? Neville has a hunch... AU. RLNT. Rated for mild language.

A Study In Pink by SweetDeamon 

"He isn't entirely sure how it is that a certain pink haired witch came to be lying snugly in the bed beside him yet again, or indeed why such a thing had ever occurred the first time around..." RLNT.

A Piece of Cake by SweetDeamon 

"How long does it take to make a bloody sponge cake!" "You can't rush art, Sirius." Tonks attempts to bake Remus a birthday cake. "Attempts to" being the key phrase here... RLNT. Happy Birthday Gelly Bean!

The Christmas Waltz by Lady Bracknell 

As Christmas approaches, Remus and Tonks dance around the idea of togetherness, wondering if either of them is leading, or know where they're going at all.

Mistletoe and Wine by Lady Bracknell 

Remus falls foul of the mistletoe. Twice. RL/LP, RL/NT, LP/JP, rated for language.

Afraid of the Dark by Lady Bracknell 

Remus had always been ill at ease in the forest, but when a mission for Dumbledore sends him into the heart of the place with Tonks by his side, he finds his apprehension harder than usual to shake off.

The Luck of the Draw by Lady Bracknell 

She sits on the carpet, shuffles the cards, then deals them out. She came here with the hope of forcing the issue, because she just knows they shouldn't be about can't and won't.

Chione by: cafei-au-lei

Remus has confirmation that Tonks may return his feelings - now all that's left is to decide what to do with this rather exciting and terrifying information. And although it's been a strange year, this year's Christmas could shape up to be one of the best Remus has ever had. Takes place after "The Order's Most Eligible Bachelors." RLNT OotP holiday fluff.

The First Night by: cafei-au-lei 

Most major events in Remus' life have done nothing but reinforce the crushing inevitability of his condition and the life that it has condemned him to. But maybe there is hope to be had, after all.

amare by: cafei-au-lei 

At first, the idea that Tonks and Professor Lupin could be together was equal parts baffling and absurd. But then, maybe it did make a tiny bit of sense, Ginny thought, as she watched the way Professor Lupin looked at Tonks over the breakfast table. But she still couldn't help but think that this love and relationships thing was far too complicated. RLNT.

War Baby by MrsTater 

It's time for Teddy's first outing, and for Tonks to make peace with a noble great idiot. Set during Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Perchance To Dream by: MrsTater

A dream leads to an argument and an unexpected quest to seek out the meaning. Will Remus and Tonks kiss and make up? More importantly, who will come out on top? RLNT, Deathly Hallows, Mature.

Like a Cat in the Sun by starfishstar 

Remus is in a house full of women.

[spideyrights]

See You Again - Jake Gyllenhaal x Reader

summary: in an awkward encounter, you see your ex again which leads to conversations of how you’ve been, who you may or may not be with and a few vague regrets

​You tug nervously on the sleeves of your very ugly Christmas jumper, bunching it up in your hands and playing with the stray strands of fabric as a distraction. You currently stood in the kitchen, definitely not a hotbed of activity at this party, you noted as you fumbled around in the fridge looking for a beer. Ryan Reynold’s infamous yearly Christmas party to be exact, certainly not something you wanted to come to but you felt way too guilty to say no to Blake when she put on those sad, pleading eyes. She promised you'd have fun and maybe you would be having fun if you weren't incessantly worrying if your ex was going to show up. It was seriously draining the energy out of you to keep avoiding every guy with dark hair who, from the back, looked vaguely like Jake before you then realised it wasn't him and had to return to a conversation with a new group of people who didn’t think you were insane for the way you bounced around nervously or couldn't make more than a simple mumble as a response in group conversations. 

Ryan eyed you from across the room, noting your weird behaviour, and mouthed a soft I guess he's not coming. Whilst your nerves eased severely, you felt a small amount of disappointment. You wanted to see how he was doing, if he looked better or worse, if he was happy and laughing, if he was with someone else. Okay maybe you didn't want to see that, you realised as the thought sat uneasily, making your insides grind. And so this is how you ended up here, squatting on the ground of Blake and Ryan’s kitchen, rifling through their fridge for some alcohol to take the edge off of this unfortunate evening.

“Bingo!” You whisper softly with a sense of triumph as you finally find a few beers hidden in the back. “There one in there for me?” The voice comes from behind the fridge door though it’s not even like you try to catch sight of them before standing with another beer.

“Yeah sure, here-” You stop abruptly, now having risen from the ground and shut the fridge door, coming face to face with Jake. He has a gentle smile on his face. Clearly he knew it was you when he asked and you wished you were maybe a little more on your guard and thought of who’s familiar voice that might be before you stood with a beer extended to him and a look of awe on your voice. “Thanks.” He grins, taking the drink from your hand and cracking it open.

You still remain silent, unsure of what to say. Actually you’re kind of unsure if you can even form words anymore. “Hi.” There's one word, good job, you praise yourself sarcastically. “Hey.” You’d kick yourself for just standing there staring at him if he wasn't doing the same. The heavy eye contact lingered for a moment more before you were the one to break it, shaking your head and looking to the ground. “Hi, h-hey, I said that already. I, um, meant...how are you?” You stumbled nervously though it did nothing but make his adoring smile grow wider.

“I’m good, you know, all things considered,” His eyes flitted briefly to the ground, clearly still uncomfortable with alluding to your breakup. It had been about six or seven months now since your ‘mutual breakup’. At the time Jake’s work had been taking a lot out of your relationship. He was away a lot and over the course of him shooting abroad you guys grew further and further apart. By the time he got back it was almost like you didn't know each other anymore. But here Jake was now and you didn’t know what it was - maybe his bright blue eyes or that charming smile - but something about him felt like the old Jake, your Jake. Maybe you were just kidding yourself. “How are you?”

“I’m doing well actually,” you told him honestly. “I quit my job like I always wanted to and interviewed at that place I always told you would be my dream to work at. It’s less of a dream now considering I actually work there but I do still love every moment of it.” You chuckle softly as you speak, partly just from the fact that you have no idea what else to do with the intensity of Jake’s gaze on you. He leans back against the kitchen island, never breaking eye contact with you and you step away from the fridge towards him. You both seem to have relaxed into the conversation. 

“I’m so proud of you. I always knew you hated that other place. And what was that guys name? Marcus...Ma-Mark, right?” The two of you laugh together, reminiscing on memories of you ranting about your ass of an old boss. 

“Yeah, I still see that guy sometimes when I visit the office and I swear he hates me for making more than him now.” The gentle laughter continues, dying subtly when you both swig some of your beers. You watch as his amused smile twists into a blend of happiness and confusion. “Why do you still visit the office?”

Your smile drops and you inhale, reprimanding yourself for letting out that detail. Jake notes how you have some hesitance to tell him something and how you lean forward on the counter right next to him, avoiding eye contact. “I just- I go there sometimes if I want to visit- I go see Kyle sometimes and we...get lunch together and stuff like that.” Your words trail off at the end, trying to seem casual but it really make you seem more guilty.

Jake stands upright, his back still against the counter next to you but not even half as relaxed as he was before. Jake knew the name Kyle well. Your former co-worker was certainly a source of conflict for you and Jake as Jake suggested he was way too touchy and flirty with you though you insisted he was ‘just that type of person’. Jake never pushed you on it, not wanting to be controlling, but that never stopped the tension on his end whenever you went out with Kyle back when you were together. Safe to say it’s even more awkward to mention him now.

“Are you and Kyle like-”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that I promise,” You defend yourself quickly though you have no idea why you insist on making your availability so obvious. Actually you do have some idea why you might be doing that. You stand facing Jake now, looking at him though he still stares down at the top of his beer bottle. “And, you know, I hate admitting when you’re right but I think you may have been right about Kyle being into me when we were together”

“Of course he was into you. Who wouldn't be?” Jake makes eye contact with you now and you swear you can feel the air leave your lungs as he makes that comment. His eyes flick around your face as he moves closer. You know what he’s doing and you really want that, you do, but your brain seems to want different things for you. 

“Um, yeah, he was just really pushing it after he found out we broke up,” you divert eye contact, looking away and moving your lips away from their trajectory to his. “Like he was coming on seriously strong and I had to stop him but I think he got the message after I pushed him off of me.” “This guy- I swear to God- I’m gonna...did he do anything to you? I remember where you work and I gotta say I could seriously hurt this kid.” His hand tightens around his beer bottle as he goes off into a manic ramble though all it does is bring a doting smile to your face. You missed this side of him, the side of him that actually cared. Towards the end of your relationship, nearing your breakup, you felt like Jake wouldn’t even notice if you married another man. But. here he was again, the Jake that noticed. Your Jake.

Your face falls with a truthful realisation. “Well you have no reason to do that anymore because you’re not my boyfriend.” Your words are spoken softly but with the way Jake winces they may as well have been a physical punch to his gut. He’s eerily close again. In fact he moves closer, now standing in front of you, hands either side of you on the island. 

“What if I was.” Your eyes grow wide and you set your beer down with a few scoffs and noises of exclamation. “Listen, just...hear me out.”

“I’m listening.” “I know how things were before but they won’t be like that anymore. I love my work okay, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still love you. I only came to this stupid party because I kept bugging Ryan and Blake, asking them if you were coming. I wanna work at this, okay? These past few months have been so rough, I feel like I can’t enjoy any of this other stuff I used to because it’s nothing compared to when I used to enjoy it with you. I want a family with you, I want a future with you. I can even work less-”

You cut his words of by moving your lips up to his, colliding in a kiss. He acted instinctually, his hands moving to grip your waist and pull you towards him as your hands hung loosely around his neck. Your lips moved passionately against each other, only coming apart eventually for air and you were sure you may have come apart crossed eyed from the sheer intensity of the kiss. “Should I take that as a yes?” 

You chuckled in response, smiling brightly. 

“Yes, idiot, take that as a yes.” a voice interjected. You both looked to the doorway, seeing Ryan and Blake lingering there with pleased smiles on their face. You and Jake jumped apart like two teenagers in love, his hands moving from your waist and yours out of his hair. “Oh please, we saw the whole thing. This is exactly how we thought it would go so don't even bother hiding. Now can you both please come out and speak to some of the other guests. There are other people here you know.” Blake scolded. You rolled your eyes, approaching her with a smile you could barely contain, taking her outstretched hand and returning to the party with her, though not before sending Jake a little wink and smile over your shoulder.

Jake was in such a daze he barely noticed Ryan approaching him until he slung his arm around his shoulder. “Nice going buddy, don't screw up this time.” Jake simply shook his head, smiling as the two entered the main party together. “Oh and did you call my party stupid?”

[commonwealthbankofmaccready]

Beyond the Sea

Oh hey a new fallout fic. Also on my ao3 under penname PoisonJack here. Subsequent chapters posted with reader engagement over on my ao3 (i.e. leave me a comment folks).

My tumblr fic archive found here.

--

“Hey savior, whaddya got going here?”

Nora was on her back lying in the irradiated grass by the river, Sanctuary’s warm glow and the muted music of partying floating to her on the light breeze. A bottle was in her hand, another at her side, and she was craning her head backwards to look at Deacon as he stood there with those damn sunglasses on. Sundown had been hours ago. It made her snort.

“Celebrating. Isn’t that what we’re all doing?”

The smile on her face was far too wide to be sincere, a sort of manic gleam to her eyes that he suspected the jet canisters next to her had something to do with.

“Party’s over there, last I checked.” He was looking down at the litter surrounding her; empty chems and bottles. No one else keeping her company. He toed one lazily. “This seems more like an intervention.”

“Well no one invited you, so mind your own business,” she snapped. A look of hurt crossed his face, gone as soon as it had appeared. She felt ashamed, though it had been her intent to cause hurt. She took another drink from the bottle instead of dealing with it.

Deacon ignored her statement, not moving to leave, but not sitting to join her, either. “Kind of defeats the purpose of a party, sitting here alone. You should be at the forefront.”

“What do you care?” she asked with exasperation. She pulled herself up on her elbows before sitting up proper, reaching for one of the jet inhalers only to find it empty. She tossed it over the stone wall and into the river with a plunk, speaking to the litter surrounding her and not looking up at his face. “Everyone got what they wanted. Commonwealth boogeyman is gone, synths liberated, settlements safe, everything back to peachy-fucking-keen.” She reached for her bottle, but he moved to toe it out of her reach. She shot a livid look up at him.

“Nora…”

Her tone was incredulous, surprised that he was actually trying to stop her from drowning her worries. This celebration was brought to them all by her, and if she wanted her own party to be of the pity variety, then goddammit but she was going to. “The fuck is your problem? What?”

Deacon was gazing down at her with deep focus. Not that one could see his eyes with the sunglasses on, but she'd come to recognize his tells. The pursing at his lips alone showed how much her pity party affected him, but she couldn't for the life of her even humor the man. She just didn't have the will or the energy to pretend anymore. Taking down the Institute had been the last straw.

“...This isn't like you, boss.”

She snorted. “I think it's pretty like me. It's what I do.” She smirked up at him, but there was no humor in her eyes. “I gun down the people that other people need more dead than they are, all in the name of the greater good. Doesn't this fit the bill of someone like that?” she asked with a gesture to the litter around her.

She was drunk. Drunk and high and clearly not coping so well with the massive job they'd all managed to finally pull off. Deacon wasn't sure how to fix this. Usually he'd suggest some more killing to let off the steam, joke about the crater they'd left, but clearly taking down the institute had taken more of a toll than they might've expected.

“This fits Hancock more than you.” She snorted and he actually frowned. “Come on, boss. There's still food and music and lots of people want to thank the hero of the hour.”

She smiled, but it was an ugly thing. Surely it was an ugly thing. There was nothing to smile about; this wasn't something to celebrate. Maybe to these people, but not to someone like her. “Those people… The ones I killed today when everything collapsed… It wasn’t a black and white matter, Dee. Not at all. They weren't evil. Not all of them.” She huffed and stretched her limbs in the grass. “They gave me the benefit of the doubt and I might as well have cut their throats with my own hand. Guess it’s lucky the whole damn place went up, or I'd have been at it all day!”

She was laughing-- hysterical laughs, probably sounded certifiably crazy- and she wasn’t too sure if that opinion would be wrong with the way she cackled, but it was either laugh or sob every last ounce of humanity out of it, and she wasn't ready to let that go yet. Her life was going so far south it was almost like something out of a fever dream, and try as she might she only sunk further into the nightmare.

“Did you know I was the successor to the Institute? It’s next director after Father died?”

Deacon actually removed his sunglasses to look at her, and being met with his gaze head-on made a swell of guilt rise at the shock she'd delivered; the backhand she’d dealt him keeping something so big to herself when they'd been so close. She wallowed in it, as if asking him to blame her. Wanting proof she was a bad person. But he just stood there gaping, shocked silent and unsure of what to even say.

“That wasn’t in my report,” she stated with a laugh, hand shaking as she found a jet canister that wasn't completely empty, and took a hit. She breathed in the sickly sweet fumes, chemical taste on her tongue, and gave him a sly look. “You guys would hunt me down for that, huh? Totally railroad me.” She snickered to herself at the joke while Deacon tried to find his voice.

“No point in that. The Institute is rubble.”

She was trying to goad him; make him show some damn unchecked emotion for once. She wished she could be half as unshakeable as Deacon always seemed, but he just looked at her with that same unreadable stare, and she only smiled somberly into his face. “Bet your friends wouldn’t think the same.” She snorted. “I bet Glory would mow me down with that minigun of hers. Just to be sure. Better safe than sorry, you know?” She laughed. “Hell, it's what we do.”

Deacon didn't know where this was coming from. She'd been so confident as they'd attacked the Institute; so like herself. This incarnation was something he didn't recognize. She should've been happy to finally take out her revenge on the people who stole her son.

But then, the Institute was rubble, and here she was sitting without a kid next to her. It was a topic he wouldn't dare broach, instead staying on about the activity of the Railroad.

“You know she wouldn’t. Not after what you’ve accomplished. Gonna be too busy anyways helping people start new lives.”

This made her break into cackling laughter, the kind that actually made Deacon uncomfortable. She was drunk, high, stoned, whatever you wanted to call it. She was fucked up, but after the toll the day had taken, that was a little more than unexpected.

Not quite to this extent, though. He never would have seen this outcome coming in a million years.

“What if I told you the whole synth thing is my fault?” she tried again, watching him for some sort of reaction. “That there wouldn’t even be synths without me?”

He'd say she was way too intoxicated, is what he'd say to that.

“Okay hotshot, why don’t we call it a night?” he said with finality, a hand on her shoulder as he crouched down next to her. Clearly she was out of her mind on the contraband lying about them, and things out of his expertise to comfort bothering her. They'd be able to fare better tomorrow if she slept it all off.

She gave him a grin, eyes glittering.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” She snorted, gave him what was a condescending pat. The laugh she gave was half a sob, and it all came quickly pouring out as she looked away from him. “They took my baby, raised him up, used his DNA for the synths, and the rest is history.” She felt sick, and it had nothing to do with the chems and alcohol rushing in her system. “I didn’t tell you, did I, that Father was Shaun. My Shaun.”

She gave a laugh, and the sound made Deacon sick. It had to be a joke. A really well thought-out, deeply planned joke to get back at him for all the exaggerations and lies he was always feeding her.

The moisture in her eyes though, that clearly wasn't a joke.

“Father was my son. Isn’t that rich?”

“Nora… Nora, babe, are you too deep into cover? Do we need to re-brainwash you from your mission-character? That's just--”

She laughed, a hand on his knee to steady herself even as she was still sitting on the grass. “God I wish this wasn't real. The only plus is that cancer took him before I blew up the Institute. Would’ve been fucked up, sent to murder my own son.” Her breathing hitched a bit, but she took a steadying breath, replaying the victory of the day in her head. “I was prepared to do it for the greater good, too. Destroy that place with him inside it. Guess I never had to take that test. It’s the little things, you know? Cheers!”

Deacon’s hand was on her shoulder, giving a reassuring squeeze as he was squatted down next to her, frankly shocked for the first time in ages. “Jesus Nora…. Why didn’t you say something?”

“Are you really asking that?”

No, he knew why she hadn’t. There was no need for explanation.

“Hey, come on now, since when do you look glum?” She pushed the bottle she'd managed to reach into his hand, a grin forced to her face even though her eyes still leaked. “It’s a party. Here’s to a free wasteland, yay.”

Deacon actually took a gulp from the bottle, still floored by the things he never would have even guessed about. This was a lot to process.

And he thought his life was fucked up.

She still laughed next to him, slowly stilling and wiping her cheeks on the back of her hand. She took a deep breath, trying to find her sense of calm as they remained still for several moments. “Will you do me a favor?”

“That depends on what it is,” he told her, not liking where this was going.

“I’m going to the glowing sea tomorrow. Will you tell everyone bye for me?” He was silent long enough to make her look at him, a frown on her face. “Jesus Deacon, since when do you have nothing to say?”

There was plenty he wanted to say. Things he wanted to ask, wanted to let her know, wanted to explain and drop all the bullshit and just tell her, but only one word could manage to slip out: “Why?”

“It's where I want to be,” she said simply with a steadying breath. “No one out there will try to use me as a tool to get what they want. It's all done.”

“There is no one out there. Just shit that wants to kill you, Nora.”

She snorted. “Exactly. Everything just wants to kill you. It doesn’t want to manipulate you, or make you question your morals, or your sanity, or kill your adult son who’s decades older than you and the leader of a cult…” She laughed humorlessly. “Just kill or be killed. That’s easy compared to life out here.” She tossed the empty bottle of liquor to hear it shatter somewhere against the river rocks. She didn't turn her attention back to him. “I'm done, Dee.”

Deacon didn't have anything to say to that; couldn't think of anything to say to that. This was… something he lacked both the skills and expertise to fix.

Didn't mean he couldn't try, though.

“Look, let’s talk about this tomorrow, okay? It's been a big day. I'll even make you a mirelurk omelette for the hangover I know you're going to have. How about that?”

She snorted, still looking out across the river somewhere. “You can't cook, Deacon, and we both know it.”

“I'll have Mac help,” he said as he gave her a pat, trying to defuse whatever her mind was doing as she was already cutting him off. Something inside him wanted to panic at that, but he simply stood up and looked about as if he could find an answer that might restore her. “Now come on, let's put you to bed, boss. It'll be that much closer to breakfast. And you know MacCready makes a mean Tati hash.”

“It's a good idea,” she said ignoring his statements, and talking about her own.

He frowned at her and put his sunglasses back on. He was lost, and no amount of character play or old assignments would steer him on what the hell to do. “It's nuts, and that's coming from me. Let's get some sleep and I'll help figure this out tomorrow, okay? Everything will make more sense after we've had time to process, as Des says.”

She snorted dismissively, but still took his hand when he offered it up, and went clumsily along with him, intermittently cackling when it became too much for her.

Their friends and residents of Sanctuary merely counted it off as more drunken revelry: the General was smashed, and no one deserved it more than her. All good times being had, not a woman gone halfway to pieces.

“Where are you two going?” Hancock leered with a smirk as Deacon steered her back towards her house. He was rolling a cigarette in his hands, a playful look on his face attributed to the canisters and bottles surrounding him and the Longs as they sat together near a fire. Someone was laughing and hollering while others chatted around the cooking pot.

“Private party,” Deacon offered with a grin that he didn’t feel at all, nodding as the Mayor of Goodneighbor laughed before finishing up his cigarette and passing it to Marcy as the night wore on.

--

“Deacon, you'll tell everyone bye for me, right?” Nora slurred as she sat on her bed and held a foot out for the man to remove her boot. “I'm not comin’ back… and you have a prettier way with words.”

“Just stop with that. You’re not going to abandon us and we all know it. Army’s gotta have a General.” He slipped the boot off with a playful smirk that he didn't feel.

“Give me one good reason why I should stay.”

He offered her a smartass grin while he removed her other boot, glad the dark of the night partially hid his expression. Words he wanted to say stayed locked up inside him, and words he didn't really feel came out instead. “Preston will fall apart if he can't serve under your leadership anymore. No one hoofs it around the ‘wealth like you do.”

She didn't laugh like he'd hoped, but instead looked further resolute; without hope or optimism for the future. He sighed and patted her thigh.

“Look, just get some sleep. Forget about the Glowing Sea. Today’s been…. Well, it’s been the literal definition of a clusterfuck, we’re all a little messed up about things. Just sleep, okay? I’ll be right here.”

She laid down and turned away from him where he'd stood up, a frown on her face and wishing she was drunker than she felt. It wasn't quite enough to numb everything. “Pfft, yeah right. Haven’t you got some place to slink off to and pretend to be someone you’re not?”

MacCready’s own mean-spirited jibe dusted off to harm. Even the sniper didn't say that to him anymore. He tried not to let that get to him. She wasn't herself. “No place special. Get some rest, boss.”

She didn't say anything else to him as he sat on the old couch in the room, and her breathing quickly evened out to what he hoped was restful, healing sleep.

He contemplated her for some time as he sat there, sleep eluding himself as worries ate at him and the partying outside began to finally die down.

Her words, the way she was personally invested in things... Depressed didn't seem to come close. And god, the things she'd been keeping to herself. Des would probably flip if she knew Nora was supposed to inherit the Institute. Probably wouldn't do anything-- she had been the one to destroy it, after all- but they'd keep close tabs on her to make sure such an organization never came to power again.

If they knew. But he wasn't going to be the one to share that information. More to file away.

He stayed awake unwillingly with his thoughts until exhaustion finally took over, no closer to a solution than when he'd found her alone by the river.

He hoped he was right and that the light of day would help things be clearer tomorrow. Of course, Deacon didn't instill much confidence in hope itself, and the next morning he wasn't disappointed by his low expectations.

--

MacCready was rudely awakened by a boot to his shoulder, the man snorting in surprise from sleep as he jumped up only to see Deacon looking down at him impatiently.

“Hurry up and come with me.”

“What the hell, man,” Mac said in sleepy aggravation, too addled to even realize he’d cursed at the other man. He swallowed heavily as he rubbed sleep from his eyes, shoulders stiff from falling asleep on a mat on the floor instead of the bed literally two feet from his position. “What’s your problem?”

Deacon was shoving the merc’s stuff into his pack next to him as Mac woke a bit more, starting to argue over what was being done with his belongings and grabbing at the spy to make him stop.

“Get dressed and let’s go,” Deacon said as he shouldered the other man’s pack. Mac was sitting there confused and agitated and about this close to shooting the other man in the foot.

“Go where? Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Yeah, it’ll be dawn soon, so hurry up.”

“Hurry up where, you assh-- you jerk.”

Deacon gave him an impatient look from under his sunglasses, stopping in his movements. “Nora’s gone.”

Mac frowned, getting up and pulling on his longcoat before starting on his boots “Gone where?”

“I don’t know.”

The lack of smartass comment or quip got Mac’s attention, and he picked up his rifle and retook his pack, slinging it over his shoulder as he followed Deacon outside towards the border of Sanctuary. “Think someone took her? Revenge for blowing up the Institute?”

That was what Deacon had thought at first. There were surely people topside that they’d missed. Remnants out for vengeance. Coursers with enough patience not to alert the whole settlement. Deacon knew the feeling all too well. But he also remembered that look in her eyes the night before. She might've been higher than Hancock on Christmas Day, but it hadn't stopped her escaping his detection and leaving in the few hours he'd managed to sleep. “No. All her stuff is gone.”

The sigh he got was expected, but Mac didn’t put his things down just yet. “How are you sure she didn’t just step out for some fresh air? Or running an errand?” Deacon gave him a look that turned his ears red.

“Before dawn? The day after everything is blown sky high?”

Mac grumbled, alert but still sleepy. “...Fair point.”

“I thought so. Now come on.”

He immediately followed as Deacon stepped away from him, shooting glances behind himself as it as clear they were leaving Sanctuary due south. “Shouldn’t we tell the others? Or get the dog?”

“I don’t know how many hours she has on us, and I’m not sticking around for things to come to some democratic vote.” He knew what Preston would want to do, and frankly he didn’t have the patience or the mood right now to wait for plans to be formulated. There was an urgency behind this, a feeling in his gut that they needed to find her soon, or something bad was going to happen. Something irreparable. “Dogmeat is in Diamond City with Piper. We don’t have time to make a stop there.”

“...maybe she headed that way?”

The hopeful note in his voice didn’t help soothe the anxiousness in Deacon’s gut. “I don’t think so.”

Mac sighed through his nose, following in Deacon’s footsteps as his hungover brain tried to piece things together with the slow brightening of the sky. “Why bring me?” he asked.

“I’m good at being stealthy, you’re good at tracking.

“Fine,” Mac said, yawning as they were out of the tree line and onto the road already. Deacon was in a hurry. “Where are we heading towards?”

“The Glowing Sea.”

Mac stopped where he was, and Deacon took a few more strides before turning and leveling a glare from behind his sunglasses. It had no effect on the sniper. “The Glowing Sea? Seriously? Why in hell do you think she’d go there?”

“Because she said so.”

“You just said you didn't know where she went!”

“The glowing sea is huge. That was accurate.”

Mac wanted to punch him, but it was still too early for that. While under other circumstances he generally liked the other man, this-- and after a night of major victory as far as the settlers were concerned- wasn't what he wanted to deal with first thing in the-- well, it was more or less morning now.

“What, think she's gonna hunt down that Institute scientist? Virgil?” Mac asked crabbily as if he thought Deacon was an idiot. “You know she helped him, right?”

Deacon sighed. “We don't have time for this. Come on.” He started walking again, leaving Mac behind and hoping the younger man would follow instead of trudge back to Sanctuary-- or worse, bitch at him the entire way there.

Of course the sniper would choose the latter.

“There's nothing in the Glowing Sea. She probably went to one of the nearby settlements, checking in with everyone, and we’ll drink and relax more tonight. You know how she is.”

No, he wasn't quite sure he did at the moment. “She's not there. And be quiet. Or do you want every feral, mutant, and raider to hear us all the way out there?”

“They're probably all asleep like anyone normal,” Mac grumbled at the hour, taking back up behind the older man.

Deacon actually snorted, a smirk on his face. Normal. That was the last thing this was. Any of it.

“Let's just keep moving,” Deacon told him.

“Yeah yeah, whatever…” Mac rolled his eyes and followed until he fell back in line with Deacon. Whatever the spy was keeping from him concerning the boss, he'd get it out of him eventually. Deacon might've been sneaky, conniving, and-- he begrudgingly admitted- good at his job, but Mac had one thing on his side that the spy didn't: patience regarding how annoying he could be when he wanted something.

And by the pace Deacon set and the way he kept shooting the younger man annoyed, hurried glances, Mac knew he would wear him out well before they actually found Nora, and get to the bottom of why she'd left in the first place.

--

Feel free to leave a comment on this on my ao3 here. The other chapters also found there. I put a lot of time into writing, please make it worth my time and leave a comment. (:

[writingficlets]

The running title for this fic has been: All the fucking angst

-----

Tony smiles, a small self-conscious thing, as he looks at the angry man who looms above him. "Ah," he says. His brown eyes looking up, up, up, before falling back down, looking into the middle distance. He looks as though he wants to say something else before giving a small shrug as though giving it up for a lost cause, and leaning back on the chair he'd been lounging on when the other man finally caught up to him.

Caught up to, as though he'd been running away or something, to which Tony would like to put on the record was not at all what he'd been doing. After all, this had been part of the plan from the beginning.  He was keeping to the plan. It wasn't his fault the other man wasn't, or hadn't for a long time.

"Ah?" Steve asks, a hint of anger and exasperation in his voice. "Is that what you have to say for yourself?"

Tony's eyes, which had wandered around as he was thinking, snapped back to Steve. There was something that Steve couldn't quite decipher in his expression, before they cleared and were hidden away again to reveal something vague and blank. "You really wouldn't like what I have to say," he finally said, rather honestly and simply after a long moment of silence between them.

Tony's eyes trailed out to the beach. The beach was beautiful with its white sands and beautiful blue ocean, worthy of attention. He eventually sat up with a sigh, taking the towel he'd spread over the back of the chair and throwing it around  his shoulders, before standing up in a smooth movement, moving around Steve, and heading to the large building a ways back from them.

The beach villa he was staying in on Christmas Day, away from Steve.

He moved at a sedate pace, not like he was running away from Steve, but like it'd been something he'd planned on doing anyway so if Steve was going to come with, come along already.

Most people wouldn't believe it if Steve told them, but Tony did most of his important talking in silence.

For example, the towel around Tony's shoulders in this beautiful weather?

Steve felt dread fill his belly, and took a sharp breath before falling behind Tony and following him to the villa.

----

Steve found himself at the kitchen table, watching as Tony prepped something at the stove. He couldn't take his eyes off the way the man moved so easily in the small space. Like he'd been born to it and did it all the time.

He didn't, Steve knew. Tony, while he liked a good sit down meal, was often running around, going to this meeting and that meeting that he rarely got the chance to do something as mundane as cook his own food as often as he probably wished he could. After watching him for awhile and no longer feeling comfortable in the silence that surrounded them he spoke. "It's Christmas."

"Hmm," Tony hummed noncommittally as he stirred whatever was before him.

"You weren't home. You haven't been home in awhile," Steve tried again when the last comment didn't get Tony to speak, hoping to drive him to words.

Again Tony made a sound of vague acknowledgement.

Steve could feel the anger build. "We had plans for Christmas."

At the stove Tony froze for a moment, before picking his motions back up. It was only a moment but Steve saw it, and the dread spread further, becoming a cold fear in the pit of his stomach and a spear through his heart.  

The only sounds for a long moment was the spoon scraping along the inside of the pan, the tap-tap as he stirred whatever was inside and tried to get it to stop clinging to the spoon he was stirring with. When Tony spoke it wasn't very loud, but he might as well have shouted for the impact it had on Steve. "Like we had plans for Thanksgiving? Or my birthday? Or even your birthday before all that?" He paused a moment, to look over his shoulder at Steve. "By the way, if you can't do the maths for that last one, that would be over five months ago now. Closing in on six pretty soon."

Steve felt his breath catch, like he'd been punched in his solar plexus and the air had been just taken from him without giving him time to prepare. It hurt. Not because Tony was angry, because he wasn't. It also was not because it wasn't true, because it was. It hurt because there was a resignation in Tony's words, as though he'd expected this and had given in already. Like he had already given up on them.

"How did you find me?" Tony asked, turning his attention back to the pan in front of him. Steve felt even colder without his eyes on him, another connection lost.

"You weren't answering your phone. I had to ask SHIELD for help," he replied gruffly, his voice thick with emotion. "It's also how I got here, they dropped me off from one of the jets."

Tony turned his head back over his shoulder again to look at Steve, a sad smile on his lips, "Do you know where you are right now Steve?"

"I don't-" Steve trailed off when the smile got sadder.

"Ibiza, Steve. You're in Ibiza right now," the smile fell and his eyes glittered suspiciously before he turned away again, and Steve drew in a sharp breath and he suddenly knew.

Steve knew that he lost, and chances were he wasn't going to get back what they had but he had to try. He'd never known how to give up before, when he was a shrimp of a kid with asthma and a list of illnesses a mile long. He hadn't given up then, he wasn't going to give up now.

"Tony," he began.

"I mean, I'd tried talking to you several times," Tony spoke over him. "I've been told my communication skills are lacking, and that I can't expect other people to be mind readers and know what I'm going through. I was told to try to talk to you and I tried, many times. I even had to arrange a meeting just so I could get a chance to talk to you and even then-" he trailed off. His mixing motions at the stove had trailed off. "Fuck," Tony muttered. "I had to set up a fucking meeting to get a chance to talk to you and I just-"

Steve, he didn't know how to fix this. His mind trailed back to that time, when he'd had a meeting set where he was supposed to talk to Tony and he'd thought it strange and then something had come up (not something, someone his mind reminded him) and he'd bailed thinking it wasn't a big deal anyway, and how long had this been going on?

"I'm sorry," he managed in the silence.

Tony's hand, the one clutching the spoon twitched and went back into motion. "I don't think that will be enough. I've been thinking about it for awhile now," he murmured quietly. If it weren't for the serum Steve didn't think he'd have been able to catch any of it. "I'm going to stay here a little longer, I'd appreciate it, if when I get back your stuff will have been moved back to your old room."

"Tony, we're a couple. You can't just make these kinds of decisions for the both of us," Steve burst out trying to find a way out of this, trying to hold on. By the very tip of his fingernails if he had to.

"That's the thing though, isn't it? When was the last time we did something together? Something that didn't involve work or you giving me orders or requisitioning something? We're not a couple anymore, and we certainly haven't been together for awhile now. Steve, you-- you had to ask SHIELD how to find ME!"

Steve startled as the pan from the stove went flying into the wall. A heavy crashing sound as it impacted following the burst of manic energy. "We have had these plans for a long time now, and you couldn't even-" Tony cut himself off as a soft sob tore through him. He hunched over himself, arms wrapped around his waist as he hugged himself tight as though to keep himself in once piece.

Steve couldn't look at him, didn't want to see what he'd brought, but he also couldn't not look at him. He'd done this after all. He should shoulder the burden.

He could barely make out soft sounds spilling from Tony's mouth, but it wasn't until he'd moved a little closer that he could actually make them out. "Why? Why did you have to come now? Why couldn't you stay away longer when you'd had no problems with it to this point? Why? Why? Why did you have to enter my life in the first place? Why wasn't I enough?"

And hell, Tony sure knew how to cut him to the quick, didn't he?

That was the crux of it though, wasn't it?

Tony couldn't be enough, not when Steve felt split between the life he'd lost by crashing the plane, and the life he'd gained by waking up in this new century.

Not when a part of his old life had entered into his new life. Not when he'd discovered Bucky was alive still, and he'd had to chase it down and make it into his here and now as well.

Looking at what he'd wrought though he couldn't find it in himself to justify everything he'd done. Not when it brought this about. Not when he brought someone as bright and beautiful as Tony was down so far.

"Tony! No, Tony, you're enough. Of course you are!" Steve said, the pain clenching at his heart as he stepped forward to wrap his arms around the other man, attempt to bring him comfort, but Tony didn't give him the chance.

Tony dodged his arms, raising red rimmed eyes accusingly, "Don't you dare lie to me. After all this, the one thing I'm owed is you not lying to me. Don't you fucking- Don't you lie to me! You couldn't even remember-"

Steve couldn't move fast enough to prevent Tony from putting his fist through the wall. He stared in stunned surprise at both the hole Tony made and the mangled hand that was pulled out of it. Tony's hands were such an important part of who he was, how he created and made his living. He used to joke that the three most important parts of him were his hands and his face, and he'd just-

Steve shook his head to clear his thoughts and hurried to Tony, resisting the other man's attempt to shove him away. To push him away further than he'd already removed himself, and he may not have the right to care, he might have damaged their relationship too much for that, but he was the only one here and he knew that Tony in his current state wouldn't care at all. No matter how much he might regret it later.

Tony's face was absolutely white, with shock at what he'd done or shock at the pain. Maybe both, Steve didn't know. Steve was just learning all sorts of things he hadn't paid attention to before. Tony now though, he just stared at his mangled hand in surprise, and kept trying to shove Steve away with the other hand. Yelling awful, horrible things.

"Stop pretending to care!"

"Is this what it takes to get your attention?"

"I don't need you, and you obviously don't need me. Go back to your mistress!"

"Go away!"

"I needed you and you weren't there. I don't need you now and here you are!"

Worse than the yelling was the crying. Steve had never seen Tony cry before, and seeing it now he wished there was a way to wipe the vision from his memory. It was awful. He didn't do loud angry crying, it was muffled as though he was trying to keep it in. As though, even now at his weakest and worst he still had to maintain a strong public image and show no weakness. The only real show of his distress was the fine trembling of his body, the only thing he couldn't really control.  

Steve forged on though, Tony might be angry at him now, but he'd be angrier at himself if his hand ended up permanently damaged. He wrestled Tony's wiry frame against his own, holding him tight so he couldn't fight him, carrying him out of the house and to the vehicle he'd seen on the driveway. He manhandled Tony into the vehicle and with the help of the GPS system he was on his way to the closest hospital.

[soonwellbefoundfic]

when you took that ring off...

marlee.

“Marlee, what's wrong with you?” His voice was calm – too calm. “You hear me talk?”! He bellowed when I remained silent.

I didn't want to talk. I didn't even want to be in his presence. I wanted to go home, drink two bottles of wine and forget that this day – hell, this past year even happened.

“Marlee!” He yelled, fed up with being ignored.

“What, nigga?! I don't wanna talk to ya ass. I don't even wanna see ya fucking face..” I snapped, glaring at him through narrowed eyes.

“What you do is so stupid – I not even believe you.” He spoke, ignoring every thing I'd just said.

“Can you please not talk to me?” I hissed.

“I don't even know you anymore.” His tone and the shake of his head pissed me off more than the words he'd uttered.

He didn't have the right to be disappointed in me when he was my biggest disappointment. Everything he'd done to me this past year canceled out even the slightest bit of anger, or disappointment he could harbor towards me.

“Maybe because you spend all your time under another woman.” My words were fire and his flesh – a highly flammable material.

He scoffed. “You bring her up for what? Don't talk about her.”

“You so quick to defend her,” I shook my head in disgust. “And Erin. You fucked her too? That's what she said – that you tried to when you were at her place. I'm not even surprised. Y'all both trash.” My tone expressed that I didn't care but I did. I cared so damn much it hurt to breathe.

Erin saying that shit to me sent my world into a state of darkness and my fist right into her mouth. I'd wanted to send those words back down her lying ass esophagus to sizzle to nothingness in her digestive acids. I'd wanted those words to be the last she ever uttered.

“Now you quiet? You wanted to talk a few minutes ago! Well, let's fucking talk, Larry!”

“I not talk to you like this. You talk stupid for nothing.” He scoffed, gripping the wheel tighter than necessary. “And you look stupid too.” His eyes slit me down the middle.

I seethed as he eyed the cut on my lip, remembering the expensive ring that'd put it there. “You fight, get arrested and fuck you face up – for what?!”

I balled my fist up, needing to expel the anger I was feeling.

“I can't stand ya ass!” I fumed, glaring out of the window at the Brooklyn homes we passed. “I'on even wanna be with you no more.”

“What you said?” He barked though I was sure he'd heard the muffled declaration. “Say for me again.”

Knowing he hated to be ignored I did just that. I fiddled with my nails and silently willed the car to move faster. When my nails grew to be a bore I went back to looking out of the window.

DUMBO. Outside of TriBeCa we'd also looked here. The lofts had been beautiful and new but the lower Manhattan apartment we resided in now had won our hearts.

I scoffed, remembering Larry's statements about moving to Brooklyn when our family grew too large for our TriBeCa loft. That shit ain't ever happening, I thought not knowing which was more unlikely – me having kids or Larry and I having a future.

"Say it!" He bellowed.

His face was crimson, his veins were creating a vine like texture beneath his skin. His nostrils flared and his chest heaved as he watched me – glared at me.

"I don't want to be with you." Mt voice was flat but clear. Crystal.

In a milli-second he was in my space. His frame dwarfed mine even in a seated position. His heat worked to melt my flesh but instead my own heat counteracted it.

My heart stuttered forward as he lowered his face to mine. "That make two of us, ma belle."

"Get the fuck outta my face!" I shoved him away, pissed that he had the audacity to feel how I felt. “Drive this car or let me the fuck out!”

“Bitch,” Larry muttered under his breath, earning a sideways glance from me.

“He cut you off because you're driving like a old lady.”

He instantly cut his eyes at me and frowned even as his gaze was one of amusement. “You wanna drive?”

“Nah.”

“Then shut up.” His smirk added a playful energy to his words.

“Alrighty then, Mabel.” I hummed, casting him a final glance before looking out out the window.

“Who is that is?” His confusion pulled my lips into a smile. His terrible English boggled my mind.

“The old lady your driving reminds me of.”  He gasped and then reached for me running his hand over my hair.

“Stop, Larry!” I laughed, as he continued to threaten the sleekness of my ponytail. “You're fucking up my hair!”

It was when my hand met his twists and tugged that he stopped, shooting an alarmed look my way. “I drive! You try to kill us?!”

“Imma kick ya ass when we get out of this car.” I half threatened, smoothing my hair.

He smiled. “You crazy. I like that.”

The throb on the right side of my face was slowly extending upwards towards my head, triggering a nasty headache. The concept alone had me ready to whoop Erin's ass all over again. I was tired and achy but somehow I knew that if I saw her again I'd find the energy to stomp a mudhole in her face.

Having never been in a physical fight my strength surprised me. The fact that even after I was pulled off of Erin I still possessed enough anger to fight ten men too surprised me.

Shock consumed me when after seeing her swollen and bloodied face I felt nothing. I'd expected remorse but all I felt was satisfaction, and rage.

I huffed aloud thinking about it.

“Are you dumb?! Why would you take this way?! It's dumb traffic because of construction.” I hissed as red-hued glow from brake lights clouded my vision.

“If you wasn't so dumb and fight people this traffic would not be a big problem for you.” He shot back, refusing to spare me a glance.

Disgust curled his lips downward and he gripped the wheel tighter as though the sound of my voice alone triggered his anger.

“Fuck you doing all that for?” I snapped, unable to fathom how he could feel a way towards me.

Instead of a response I received muddled french and flared nostrils. And everything I was barely fighting to contain blew the fuck up.

“I didn't fucking ask you to come get me so you can lose the attitude!” He said nothing so I went on. “You wanna sit over there huffing and puffing like I did something to your stupid ass. Fucking loser ass nigga.”

The traffic seemed to thicken further annoying me. All I saw was the red of brake lights and I felt the exact same way. I was seething, and I couldn't quite put my finger on what bothered me the most – Erin or Larry.

“You know, it's crazy that this whole time Erin disliked you. She hated your ass before she even met you – I wanted her to like you so bad, to see what I saw. But now that I think about it her 'not liking' you was probably a facade to confuse me because she more than liked you. Y'all probably been fucking for yearssss.” I laughed manically even as what was left of my heart shattered at the thought.

I glanced at Larry, catching the tick of his jaw and whitening of his knuckles as he gripped the leather bound wheel.

“Who was better? Luzy or Erin?” The question dismantled me and sent Larry's foot heavily onto the brake. My body rocked forward but I recovered quickly.

“Stop talking.” He warned, his voice tight and gritty.

“If I had to guess, I'd say Erin – she's Jamaican and all. Bitch always talking about pelting waist and whining and shit.” I laughed softly – coldly. “Then again the white bitch probably did everything you wanted her to. I bet she sucks a mean dick – I hear they good at that.” My voice cracked and to mask it I chuckled. “They must've both had some bomb ass pussy. Like, out of this world because why else would you throw our shit away.”

“Marlee – please, just stop talking.” His voice was a muted rasp. It crackled like wood in a fiery fire.

“You was so busy fucking with them you dried out.” I raved. “No baby juice left for Marlee!”

“Shut the fuck up!!!” He roared, finally looking at me with venomous eyes.

His glare sizzled my flesh, leaving nothing but bone and connective tissue.

“Fuck you! Don't tell me to shut up! Pussy ass can't take the truth.” I ranted, scrambling internally as I tried to reel myself back in.

I was always so careful with words. I knew and respected their power. I was the silent one during arguments – I never said too much out of fear that I would say the wrong thing.

Words packed so much force. A few recklessly placed together syllables could sever siblingships, friendships, marriages... It was so easy to spit them out and impossible to take the back. Once they left the tongue they couldn't be chewed and distorted. Once they left the mouth, they grew legs and skittered towards the brain of whomever was around to hear them where they lived on forever.

I never wanted my poor choice of words to be the spices that marinated Larry's brain. Most times when we fought I walked away from it, giving myself the time and space  to pull my thoughts together. And I didn't speak to him until my words were prim, proper and perfect. I didn't speak to him until I'd argued with him in my head, saying everything I thought I wanted to say. It took me mentally saying the wrong things to figure out what the right things were. That method had worked for as long as we'd been an us but now–

All the wrong things were at the forefront of my brain and on the tip of my tongue. The more I tired to care and reel myself in the more my tongue continued to lash.

I'd always worked to protect Larry's emotions. I knew his vulnerabilities and triggers, usually avoiding them with great caution and care. Now I was doing the opposite, and frankly it scared me.

Why didn't I care?

Why was it so easy to stop caring?

What did this mean for us?

I knew the answers to those questions yet and still I asked them, hoping to be pacified by at least a small part of my brain.

“Marlee, you don't know what is the truth so stop talking.”

He was too calm – too careless. He was supposed to react, to be passionate, to fight for me – and he didn't.

“I wish I never married you.” I seethed, seeing fifty shades of red.

“I wish I never meet you!” He bit back, sinking his teeth into my jugular.

He gave me the fire I so desired and it burned me to a crisp, leaving nothing but resentment.

“I hate you.” My voice was quite – so quiet I hadn't realized I'd spoken until I closed my mouth.

Internally, I battled. Half of me hoped he'd heard me loud and clear while the other half wanted him to never hear those words – from me.

But when his hands dropped limply from the wheel and his bleak eyes centered on me I knew he had. My words had hit him like a missile, destroying him.

He didn't blink or move – he stared, dragging my soul from my trembling body. His desolate glare and lifeless body consumed my lifeforce, making me feel nothing but regret. I hadn't exactly meant it but I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt. Instead, I felt more anguish than I'd ever experienced in my life as a result of hurting him.

My ability to feel remorse for hurting him when he never seemed to feel any when he hurt me injected me with a sensation of rage I'd never experienced before. Fury laced my tongue with ammo and I fought with everything I had to swallow it – even if the poison killed me. But I couldn't.

The sounds of honking horns should've acted as a warning. The fact that the red of brake lights no longer clouded vision should have acted to clear the toxic haze consuming my brain. My love for Larry and the vows that I'd taken should've prohibited such thought to turn to words...

“Maybe I shouldn't've gotten that abortion so I could see the look on you face when the baby came out looking exactly like Pierre–“ His fingers were around my throat before the statement could come to completion.

I gasped out as he slammed my upper body against the passenger side door. His fingers pressed into the flesh of my neck as my hands flailed at his forearms in search of release. My closed fist connecting forcefully with his left eye was the root of my freedom.

I gasped glaring at him before swinging at him again.

“You putting your hands on me now?” My voice cracked as my trembling hands went to my neck, feeling for tenderness that would confirm that my husband had really violated me.

“You know what,” I inhaled a large, ragged breath, trying to replenish my lungs. “This is over. We're over.”

My words meshed with my actions as I removed the ring that not only connected me to my husband but to my mother, tossing it at him. Next was my seat belt and then the door.

The horns that had been muffled by the interior of the car were now loud and clear and it took a mere second for me to realize that they were all aimed at Larry as the car had been stagnant for a while.

“I'm done with you.” I spared him one last glare, hoping it was the last I saw of him.

“I remember this place.” I grinned as we were led by the hostess to plush, neutral toned booth.

“What you remembered?” Larry asked as the hostess whirled around, leaving us with menus that were as posh as the rest of the décor.

“We came here after I found out I was pregnant – the second time.” I spoke, making sure to keep my voice leveled. I wanted to exude ease and confidence but when Larry's eyes softened with caution I realized I'd failed. “I also remember that the orange juice is $9 here...” I rambled on.

“Is so good though.” He smiled, silently promising not to delve into what I'd just spoken of. I was grateful.

“Meh.” I shrugged. “It's aightttt.”

“Marlee, last time we come you ask for a to-go cup and get mad when they say no.” He chuckled.

“That's cause it's $9!”

“Say whatever – I know the truth. I remember.” He teased, tapping his temple.

I waved him off and raised my menu, visually diving in. Though I remembered coming here I didn't remember what I liked from the menu, minus the decadent ass orange juice.

I scoffed at the prices even as my interest peaked at the descriptions. I must've really liked it here if Larry brought me back, I reasoned.

Tired of browsing the hefty selection, I lowered my menu only to find his gaze on me. He smiled and I blushed.

“You like the french toast with the cheesecake and ice cream stuff.” He told me before I could ask.

Using his description, that I was sure was wrong, I glanced down at my menu. “Donut Ever Go There French Toast?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure I don't like the crepes?”

“Yeah, I sure.” He smiled – arrogantly. “You only eat mine.”

“And maman's”

“Mine better. You say this to me but she never know.” He insisted.

I rose a brow. “Are you lying to me because I don't know better?”

“Never.”

“Swear it.”

“I swear to everything.” And to add validity to his words he signed a cross, starting at his forehead and then going down to his chest.

The waitress appeared before he could make it to his left shoulder. Because he was dramatic he completed his cross, not acknowledging her until his hand dropped from his right shoulder.

He placed our orders with a smile and after confirming the weirded out waitress hurriedly made her exit leaving the both of us cackling.

“Heeeey, Mar–“

“Where Erin?”

“She in the office,” He waved his marcel towards the curtained french door. “Damn girl, whats wrong with yo ass?”

Though I adored Ryan, I couldn't be bothered with him or anyone else in this salon today.

With quick, determined steps I headed for the office Erin called her own only to come to a slow stop when the door opened and she stepped out.

“Aight, Dawn you can come from under the dryer now.”

As Dawn muttered her complaints about her the dryer and being under there for too long Erin's eyes found mine. With a solemn expression she knowingly turned back around and went into the office with me following behind her.

I watched silently as she shut the door, leaving Dawn's protests and the chatter of the salon to be muffled.

“Erin,” I started, praying for the ability to stay calm. I needed to stay calm.

“Look, let's not do all the back and forth shit. You did ya nigga dirty and he brought his annoying ass around pressing me so I told him the truth. I ain't mean to but the shit slipped.” She shrugged.

I nearly choked on my own fury. “Slipped?”

Shrug number 2.

“Bitch, are you dumb?!” I nearly laughed. She couldn't be serious.

“No bitch, you're dumb!” She retorted, casually grabbing her water bottle off of her desk and taking a sip.

“Bitch, been feeling sorry for herself for 3 years and ain't done shit about it. All you do is cry about Larry's bum ass and forgive his bullshit. He cheated on you with a whole notha white bitch and ya dumb ass stayed. Fucking bozo.”

She spoke as though she were thinking aloud yet every single word was a dagger aimed at the center of my soul.

My fist clenched and nostrils flared and brows knitted.

This is your best friend, I reminded myself, she's merely talking out the side of her neck. Yet, even as I mentally reasoned with myself I found the distance between up closing, and it was my feet that were bridging the gap.

“Nigga dick is bomb though...” She chuckled, taking another sip of water.

My world froze and I replayed her words in my head, wondering if I'd missed the 'must be' part.

I hadn't.

“Fuck you just say?” I was I front of her.

“Nigga was whining, asking me if I was sure and shit. All that came to a halt when I sat on his dick.”

Her wail as my fist plowed into her mouth was music to my ears. A symphony.

“I feel funny.” I declared as Larry started the car.

“Is maybe because you just eat ice cream and cheesecake for breakfast.” Concern lined his eyes even as he teased.

“Shut up, “ I waved him off, buckling my seat belt. “It's not that – it's just,”

“Whats wrong?”

“You don't feel nervous about this – not even a little?”

“Not really.” He tilted his head. “Why you do?”

“The last time we tried marriage counseling it didn't go too well.” I shrugged feigning casualness.

“I not want to go back then – if I can be honest.” His voice was light as he spoke. “I think it's stupid then and in my head I wasn't mature for that.”

“And now you are?” I asked despite the fact that it had been his suggestion.

“Yes.”

I shrugged and shook my head. “I don't know why I'm nervous – I just feel... funny.”

“I not know either. This not even real appointment.”

“Maybe it's the fact that we have to go in to get a fucking referral that's making me nervous cause that's weird. Ain't that weird?”

“I not really think much of it.”

“I did. Like, why couldn't she just fax over the name and number of the best suited doctor?” I pressed, annoyed that I had nothing solid to blame my finicky nerves on.

“Marlee,” He rubbed at my thigh. “Everything will be good. We good.”

I wanted to believe him but the knots in my stomach wouldn't allow me to.

The car ride was silent as I found myself nose deep in my thoughts. Between the hard work Larry and I had ahead of us and my hectic recollections I was a mental mess. Partnering that with the uncertainty I felt speaking to counselor about our problems led to me being in shambles.

I'd been more than shocked when Larry suggested we go this route again and even more shocked when I instantly agreed. Our last bout with a doctor trained to mend marriages had been a nightmare. The appointments Larry failed to show up to were some of the first indications the he didn't give a fuck and was checking out of our marriage. That component alone made marriage counseling a trigger for my angst.

The idea of lifting rugs and yanking off old bandages made me nervous as well. The doctor would delve and we'd have to divulge to eventually heal. But healing was hard. It literally took stripping yourself down to your very core, exposing everything, to reach a certain level of vulnerability in which healing began to occur.

It was easier to give up than to fight.

And we had both done that only to find that the easy route wasn't rewarding at all. It was actually paved misery.

I sighed, and for the millionth time today my fingertip grazed the scar Erin had left me with. Frowning, I rolled my eyes. That bitch.

Remembering how brazen she had been had me ready to lay hands on her all over again. Sure, I was missing tons of puzzle pieces needed to form the complete image of our relationship but turning on me the way she did just didn't make sense. She'd been proud to say the things she'd said. It was as though she'd recited the lies and wanted to see me break.

When had our friendship gone to shit on her end? She was argumentative but she'd always been loyal and mostly supportive of me.

Her telling Larry about the abortion I'd had was a total shocker, and I could remember thinking she'd done it in an effort to get him away from me since that's what she'd always wanted. But when she started running her mouth about fucking him and how good the sex was I knew that her actions, as shitty as they were, weren't designed to emancipate me from Larry like I'd thought. Her actions, and words, had been self-involved and malicious.

I didn't regret fighting, destroying her salon or smudging my record. What I did regret was the warmth and love I'd greeted her with at the super market a few months ago.

That bitch had stood in my face, exchanged numbers with me and made plans to dine all while knowing what she did. She'd violated me for the second time and deep down I wanted to return the favor.

I knew the anger that I harbored for her would get me nowhere but being taken advantage of when you're damn near powerless is a major blow to the spirit. I wouldn't let it hinder me though – I had to move forward. Resentment was pointless and poisonous.

The car coming to a permanent stop was the remedy needed to dead my thoughts.

“Ready?” I looked over finding his eyes on me.

“Damn,” Erin huffed from across the table, pulling me away from the task of wrestling the tail off of my shrimp.

“I hate when restaurants don't cut off the fucking tail. It's not edible!” I whined, annoyed that there was a hindrance between my food meeting my mouth.

“Bitch, just bite the tail off.”

“Nah, cause then I would have to spit it out and like wipe my mouth and shit.”

She waved me off, glancing at the table to the left of us with a scowl..

“ The hell is wrong with you?” I quizzed, finally forking my shrimp into my mouth where it should've been seconds ago.

“This fucking baby won't stop crying.” She complained.

“It's a baby – they cry.” I deadpanned.

The baby had been crying for a while but it hadn't bothered me any.

“True, which is why they should have stayed their asses at home instead of ruining everyone else's peace with the screams of that thing.”

“Thing?” I chuckled, rubbing my protruding belly. “Hate to see what you're gonna call yours.”

She scoffed. “I'm not have fucking kids. They're terrible.”

“Girl, please.”

“I forreal.” I smiled at her slightly broken English that always exposed the roots she tried so hard to hide.

“Well, you know your role of a godmother is to take on all motherly responsibilities of my baby if something is to ever happen to me, or Larry.” Her eyes bulged and I laughed.

“Well, I'm gonna have to turn down the position, sis. Glad I didn't sign shit!”

“Bitch,” I laughed. “You're gonna love my baby.”

“Not if it look like it's long faced ass daddy.” She murmured, plucking a shrimp off my plate.

“My man is fine and jealousy will kill you.” I supplied as she smirked at me. “And if you bring your ass over here to my plate again, I'll kill you.”

“Pregnant?”

“How?” Larry and I quizzed simultaneously.

“Well,” The doctor started with a wry expression. “No method of contraception is completely 100%. The Natazia pill is 91% effective when taken as directed – and that's a good number but it leaves room, though small, for conceiving a child.”

“I,” My sigh was inward and used to calm my nerves. “When I left to go to Paris I didn't take my birth control. I haven't taken it since then.” The admission depleted me and I bowed forward in my seat.

Larry's hand met my back just as mine covered my face.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” I groaned out, frustrated. “I have to be the most fertile woman on the planet and I can't have fucking kids. What a fucking curse!” I cried, tugging my hoodie over my face in an effort to hide my tears.

“How you know this?” Larry asked the doctor, rubbing my back with more fervor. It was to calm him – not me.

“Well, when Marlee came in last week for her annual exam we did a normal urine sample just for testing as a part of the exam. Because there was no concern of pregnancy we didn't expedite the sample testing. When we did run it and get the results a few days after your visit they came back positive – for pregnancy.”

When neither of us said anything she went on. “I know given your history and the fact that you were just prescribe a new birth control that this may not be the best news. I'm sure you guys need time to grasp this information and make a decision about this pregnancy.” Her voice was soft, cautious. “What I can say is that medicine has advanced immensely in the past few years – even the past few months. I'd love to tell you about it when you're ready just so your options don't seem so black and white.”

“What option?” Larry all but chirped.

“Lar,” I croaked, feeling his hopes float to the heavens.

His eyes dropped down to mine and when they connected his shoulders dropped. I didn't want him to get too excited about anything any doctor could tell him about new methods. We'd been there and done that. We'd been told that our baby was healthy and our pregnancy was normal. We been told of methods and options and new medicine and fucking advancement. Yet we still didn't have a child. I refused to believe that this time would be any different.

I refused to fail him again. I couldn't take it.

We wouldn't survive it.

"I can't believe we're here." I took in the endless blue before turning to face Larry, my husband. "I can't believe we're married."

His smile was gentle and his eyes warm. "I can."

"Yeah?" My grin stretched proudly across my face.

"Yeah." He approached me, leaving my body meshed between him and the balcony railing. "I plan this from the first day I know you."

"Nigga, please." I cackled, waving him off.

"I do. When you go crazy on my brother for try to take your camera I know." His arms threaded around my waist.

"You knew what?"

"That I marry you, and love you every day for the rest of my life."

"I'm so lucky," I breathed, burrowing my face in his neck just to make sure that this was real, that we were here and in love and married. "You're so right – it scares me."

His brows met. "Why?"

"All I really know is wrong." I admitted, playing with a lone twist that refused to stay with the rest.

"Now we change that." He pressed his lips to mine. "We ride this til the wheels fall off and when they do we fly." 

-

and now, you’ll never be happy..

[0poole]

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Good God.

I finally managed to watch the final episodes of the show, and even though it wasn’t the most pitch-perfect ending ever (and even though I skipped like all of the final season), I still gotta dish out my thoughts on the whole thing. It’s not my tippy-top most favorite show, but it’s definitely the one with the most lasting impact on me. I mean, considering it created one of the biggest fandoms of all time, I’m pretty sure I’m far from alone there.

Obviously have to start from the beginning. I think I got into MLP around the 2nd season, maybe in the middle of it but definitely before the 3rd. I don’t exactly remember, since it was so long ago, but the first two seasons might hold some of the most saccharine, mindless nostalgia of all. Every single episode holds some spot in my memory, even the filler episodes with the cheesy notes to Celestia at the end of them. Honestly those were adorable, even if they were the classic kid’s show trope of “Let’s explain the moral to the kids who don’t have half a brain” but it’s actually pretty charming. That’s nostalgia talking, by the way. Obviously. If I found a new show today that did that, I’d roll my eyes a little, and I probably did when I was first watching the show. 

But, it’s an understatement that this was my life. Of course, I was at that time of my life where one thing could very easily become my entire world, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me. The pretty solid, unchanging artstyle gave me an opening to try and draw it, and for years I exclusively drew ponies, and even when I had a human character, I’d only be able to draw them in pony form, so I ended up meshing their stories into fanfiction on how they could become ponies. My “Icon” character at the time, Satyr, was probably the first original character I drew, and I can still remember the exact drawing I made of him. Obviously a pony, he was sort of larger and masculine, conveniently blinking eye so I didn’t have to deal with that, basic hair/tail styles, and for some reason a jagged zig-zag pattern going laterally across his body, like those “How would a horse wear pants?” memes. I thought it was really good, so I kept going, and here I am ages later still drawing stuff. I couldn’t even bare to fully ditch the shitty characters I made (and I’m going to explain them without context because I just feel like it): Satyr got split into his immortal and prince-ly side; Diane, a manic serial killer, shrunk down but kept her impossibly anxious personality; Gaseous is basically all the same, except he doesn’t meet the rest of the crew in what parts of his story I know about; Sistenagon (here we go with the weird names, they don’t mean anything) still kept his (her? Don’t actually remember which I called it) wasp-y nature, except in the form of an insect-based fairy tribe leader; Stelerachyt, who I drew as a Diamond Dog, is still a big, fluffy, dog, but turned into a more regal and kingly type of person; and Myriad Alloy (the only one with an actual pony name) got a complete makeover, and actually became my favorite end result after all is said and done.

Like, I love ranting about these guys. They were basically my own Mane Six. And yes, Satyr TOTALLY dated Twilight. Why wouldn’t he? Main character a Main character. Plus, he was supposed to be me, and I totally wanted to hit that. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I mean, I guess a big part of why I actually went down that path was because of the large fanbase. I didn’t begin with the beginning of the show, but I guess I came in with the first large wave, so all of the stuff I made got just enough attention to make me think people wanted to see what I was making. If I started out with OCs, no one would’ve cared, and I very well could’ve stopped.

Even apart from that, this show definitely kick started my downward spiral into femininity. I mean, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Everyone “knew” MLP as being something super shallow, only to be enjoyed by shallow little girls, then they pumped out Friendship is Magic and everyone else loved it, so I gave it a shot, and I loved it too. Obviously every fandom has the people who openly, irrationally hate them, but the whole thing was welcoming enough to keep it solidified in my mind, and bish bash bosh, it kept going and will probably keep going into eternity. It’s funny, even then I drew Satyr with the more feminine pony design (not entirely because drawing the male pony type was harder), so I was setting myself up for the future.

I guess this kind of gives me a window to talk about My Life as a Teenage Robot, because for as long as I could remember before actually watching the show, I seriously despised any instance of XJ9 I could find. If an image of her popped up on screen, I would close it faster than if it was porn found while around my parents. I don’t know why she was so harshly ingrained in my mind. You could argue I just hated “girly” stuff before I realized I actually loved it, and didn’t want to face my emotions, but I wasn’t exaggerating at all about that porn thing. I actually couldn’t look at her for more than a second. But, one day I decided to cave in and see what was up, and soon enough she became one of my favorite cartoon characters of all time.

Back to ponies, some of the content produced by the fandom also had some extremely fond memories in my mind. I think I still have some songs by The Living Tombstone and WoodenToaster on my MP3 player (partially because it’s just good stuff) and for some reason playing on MLP-themed TF2 servers was actually really fun too. Some notable fandom people reacting to recent episodes was a spectacle I always looked forward to, and I still am subscribed to Saberspark and Ratchet on Youtube after all this time, probably as well as various other people who are still there but haven’t posted anything since the settling of the fandom. I just remembered, Hotdiggetydemon probably qualifies for all that too, since his .Mov series was the talk of the whole fandom. That, and Friendship is Witchcraft. I had to re-look up the name of that one though, but I still loved it.

I guess I should play favorites, huh? Favorites was the one game everyone in the fandom played. 

Favorite episode: Can’t not be a tie between the 2-parters of Season 2. Discord is a riot, and Chrysalis is actually one of my favorite villain designs of all time. I’m a sucker for both shapeshifters and bugs, so you can’t expect me to not like her. Glad she rode the villain boat till the very end, although reformed Discord is definitely fine too. Plus, the rest of the Changelings turned anyway.

Favorite song: You expect me to not tie things up here? The Flim Flam brother’s Super Cider Squeezy 6000 is great, as are the brothers themselves, and I also love This Day Aria, since it’s the focal point where people realized this show seriously wasn’t just colorful, cute ponies. The Art of the Dress is also pretty catchy. 

Actually, just remembered. Under Our Spell might be it. Took me a while to remember the EQG stuff, but that song is seriously good, and unironically better than the generic dribble that somehow magically beat it.

Favorite background pony(ies): Vinyl and Octavia are a pretty cute duo, and with the killer duet in the Slice of Life episode, ya gotta love em. Funny thing, though: There’s this background pony that looks almost identical to my current self-insert pony OC, with purple hair and a grey coat, with a seemingly writing-based cutie mark and green eyes. He’s even a unicorn too. It wasn’t intentional, I swear.

Favorite CMC: Sweetie Belle is too much. Her little squeaks are too pure. I can’t take it. Applebloom has nice colors, though.

Favorite Princess: If you don’t say Luna you’re a cop

Favorite non-pony species: Obviously Changelings, but after their reformation the honors actually switch to the Kirins, just because of how cool they look. The Yaks are pretty fun too. Speaking of…

Favorite nu-Mane Six (or are they called the School Six? Whatever, you know what I mean): All Yona. And yes, I had to look up her name was, who cares? She’s adorable.

Favorite of the Pillars of Equestria: I honestly love that they made Starswirl an actual character in the show. For the longest time, people just assumed he would stay in the form of Twilight’s Nightmare Night costume forever, but then they actually made him real! That’s really cool.

Favorite Equestria Girls design: Once again, Sweetie Belle steals both this spot and my heart.

And, of course… Favorite of the Mane Six:

Honestly, it just depends on the mood I’m in. Not even remotely lying there.

Fluttershy would’ve been my answer way back then, since I was into the shy types. There’s definitely something still there. You can’t deny that she’s the most cuddly of them all.

Twilight might’ve been a tie for the top around then too, since I was also the too-smart-for-humanity type. That leads into you liking the “smart” ones. Plus, in the latter half of the series, she did feel like she was put one step above the rest of the cast. That kinda makes her feel slightly off, I guess. Still like her, though.

Pinkie Pie’s one of those that I can imagine liking, but if I ever actually had to deal with that much energy I might actually melt. And, not in that I’m-totally-in-love kind of melting. Literal, actual melting. 

Rarity, in terms of concept, is easily my favorite type of character for the show. On the surface, she’s the generic fashionista type that every girl’s show has, but instead of her being someone who “just makes clothes” she’s actually seriously hard working and goes through all the regular motions you’d expect from an artist. Turning such a cliche on its head and giving it a much more realistic image is perfect for this show. Also, she’s purple. I like purple.

Not much really needs to be said about Applejack. She really seems like the most logical one of the group, even at the very beginning. That’s great to have when everyone else is acting like spoiled/sheltered brats (at least, when she’s not acting that way either).

But, I really gotta be honest… I’m never really in the mood for Rainbow Dash. She’s like the opposite of AJ, where she’s always some degree of arrogant, and even though watching her achieve her dreams is nice, her big head gets a little annoying for side gags. Also, if you showed me a plain picture of the Mane Six, I would’ve told you she was the main character instead of Twilight, just because she stands out so much more. I mean, the show isn’t called “Twilight Sparkle: Friendship is Magic,” but still.

If you really want a straight answer, I’m in a Rarity mood right now, so I’ll go with that. It’s probably the safest bet, because, like I said, I do love purple. Not just purple, but purple AND white put together. One of my favorite color combinations. Just add a little gold, and you’re, well, you know...

But… Yeah. All good things had to come to an end. I feel like its time came. Plus, they ended the show with the little story book thing they did in the very first episode, so as far as I’m concerned the series is complete. It did its job, anyway.

[themadlostgirl]

Not Dead Yet (Part 61)

*me: why has my activity been so dead?

story: you never finished uploading that new chapter

me: what? oh shit!

story: fucking dumbass*

Pairing: Reader x Peter Pan

Warnings: language

Walking along the beach Felix saw the portal open up in the sand and watched as Pan emerged. He didn’t look any better than when he had left days earlier but he was more in control. He looked over at Felix almost as if he knew he would be there when he came through the portal.

“Did you find her?” Felix heard himself asking.

“Yes.”

“Then where is she?”

“Where she wants to be.” Pan walked into the jungle.

Felix let him go.

~~~

“Y/N!” Phillip ran up to me when he saw me walk back into the inn. “You’re okay! Thank goodness. I was so worried about leaving you alone with that guy and...why are you crying?”

I wiped at my eyes. “Ignore me. It’s been a rough night.”

“I’ll say. What’s wrong? Did he hurt you?”

I shook my head. “He wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Who was that? How did he know magic? What happened?”

“Phillip, I really don’t want to talk about this. Not tonight.”

“Okay. But if you need anything, anything at all, let me know.”

“Thank you,” I tried to smile but I didn’t have the energy for even that. I went upstairs back to my room. My door was open and the chair was upside down on the ground. Luckily the door and lock were fine and closed without issue.

I set Candace down on the desk and kicked off my boots. The bean was still clutched tightly in my fist. I set it down on my bedside table and slipped under the blankets of my bed. The events of the night caught up to me and fell asleep within minutes.

~~~

Baelfire had escape the island while Peter was gone. He wasn’t surprised. At this point he didn’t even care. Y/N was gone and she wasn’t going to come back. None of this would have happened if Baelfire hadn’t come to the island. He was glad to be rid of him.

Back at the camp in the cold light of the new morning Y/N’s tent lay bare save a few items. Her cot, blankets, a lantern, and the little nest out front. Peter knew he should tear down the tent but couldn’t bring himself to. The others would with time. He couldn’t be the one to do it though.

He thought back to his last conversation with Y/N. Seeing her looking like a vision in that white nightgown and her request for him to stay the night with her. Every fiber of his being wanted to but he couldn’t give in. It would just be another bittersweet memory and would have made walking away from her that much harder.

“So…” Peter looked over his shoulder to see Devin standing behind him staring at the unused tent, “She’s really not coming back?”

“Doesn’t seem that way.” Peter sighed. He had given her the bean and though it was slim he wanted to believe she would use it to come back. A sliver of hope to hang onto.

“Is she happy?” Devin asked.

“She had better be.”

Right as the words left his mouth Peter felt it. Someone had entered Neverland.

~~~

In the morning there was a knock on my door. I hadn’t gotten much sleep and groaned as I stood up to answer it. Phillip was on the other side looking rather sheepish.

“Morning,” he looked me over, “Not sleep well?”

“Barely at all.” I yawned. I slipped on my dressing robe overtop of my nightgown. “Come on in.”

“How are you?” Phillip sat down in the desk chair. “Last night…”

“You probably want some answers, huh?” Candace had woken up too and joined me on the bed resting her head on my thigh.

“I would like some. First off, who was that guy that came looking for you?”

“His name is Peter Pan. We’re--we were best friends and even more than that sometimes.”

“More?”

“Lovers, Phillip, we were also lovers.”

“Oh,” he started to turn pink before my eyes. “I didn’t know that you had ever--”

“There’s no need to discuss it.” I assured him, “We’ve been together for longer than I can remember and recently things started going sour. I left, he followed, things were said and now he’s gone.”

“Will he come back?”

“No. He promised he wouldn’t.”

“Well that has to be a relief. He won’t try to kidnap you again.”

“Yeah…”

I glanced at the bean on my bedside table. It glittered beautifully and tempting in the morning light.

“Y/N?” Phillip followed my gaze, “What is that?”

I wish you every happiness.

I picked it up inspecting it closer. “Happiness.”

~~~

Peter raced to where he had felt the new presence on the island. Later he may have thought to simply teleport there with his magic but in that moment he didn’t care. Someone had entered Neverland. A familiar presence.

He came to a dead halt in the middle of the jungle path when he saw the new figure racing towards him. Hair streaming behind her head and nightgown already stained with the wreck of the jungle. She saw him and stopped as well, eyes as wide as a deer’s.

“Peter,”

“Wendy,”

She had a kitchen knife in her hand and a manic look in her eye. “I don’t want any trouble. I just want to bring Bae home.”

“Baelfire is gone, Wendy bird.”

“What?”

“Escaped the island a couple days ago in fact.”

“But--” her grip on the knife grew tighter, “Why didn’t he come back?”

“Who can say.” Peter shrugged. “At least we got something in return for his escape.”

“If you think I am staying--”

“It’s not a question,” Peter flicked his wrist and the knife shot out of her hand, “I have to wonder, how did you get here? I doubt you had a magic bean lying around.”

“The shadow, I called for it last night. It brought me here.”

“I see,” Peter grabbed her arm, “All for not though, I’m afraid.”

“Let go of me!” she tried to pry his hand off, “You can’t keep me here.”

“Oh yes I can.” Peter felt a wave of possessiveness. “No one leaves without my permission. Never again.”

“Where is Y/N? I want to speak with her.”

He squeezed her arm tighter at the mention of Y/N. “Gone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean she left. She left and she isn’t coming back.”

“You--you--”

“I did nothing. She left of her own accord. Decided to grow up and live out her days making candles in a frostbitten village.”

Wendy was shaking now. Out of fear or anger Peter couldn’t tell. “You ignoramus!” she shouted at him, “How could you let her leave like that?!”

“Why is everyone yelling at me about this?!” he groaned aloud, “It’s not like it was my decision! She left, she doesn’t want to come back, end of story. I can’t force her to stay!”

“But you can force me and everyone else on this island?”

“Yes.” he threw her to the ground, “You have a lot of daring for someone who will be calling a wicker cage home from now on. What happened to the meek little lady who froliced about the jungle before?”

“She knows what this place truly is. Who you people really are. Now that one of the only decent people on this island is gone I’m not looking to be nice.”

“My Lost Girl really rubbed off on you,” Peter smirked at her. “Maybe you can still be useful.”

Wendy pushed herself back to her feet and followed Peter back down the path. “What did you do to drive her off?”

“Excuse you?”

“Y/N, I assume you did something to scare her off for good. What was it?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Sure it does, I want to know how foolish you truly are.”

“You have no right to be saying anything to me about foolishness. At least I remembered to put on shoes before traversing a jungle.”

“Not wearing shoes and chasing off the girl who loves you hardly seems like interchangeable situations.”

“The girl who--what?” he turned to her now not sure what to feel about the information.

If you and Peter are friends and lovers then does that mean you love him?

“Peter Pan, you are truly a foolish boy.” Wendy shook her head almost in pity. “How could you never see it?”

“Did she tell you that?” he grabbed her by the shoulders, “Did she say that exactly?”

“Depends. What would you do if she did?”

~~~

A loud ruckus from downstairs drew Phillip and I’s attention away from the bean. “What do you think is going on?” I asked.

“I might have an idea,” he sighed and left the room.

Okay, that was strange. I got up and got dressed opting for some pants instead of a dress today and strapped my dagger to my belt. I followed Phillip downstairs to get some food and see what had everyone freaking out about earlier.

Everyone in the inn was unnaturally still and a hooded figure was stood in the middle. There was a dark sense of magic surrounding them. Looking around the main floor a few chairs had been overturned in a rush to stand. Phillip was at the bottom of the stairs gripping the railing like his life depended on it.

Whoever this hooded stranger was definitely had everyone on edge. After being skewered by pirates, having the shit beat out of me by Lost Boys, almost being killed by Peter and throwing down with the Black Fairy this latest boogeyman wasn’t as terrifying as they wanted to be.

“You do know pretending to be a statue doesn’t make you invisible?” I went to stand next to Phillip. “Who is this guy? Landlord? Town bully?”

The hooded stranger turned around with a mad smile and sickly eyes, “Your worst nightmare, dearie,”

“Good gods, it’s a giant iguana,”

“Y/N!” Phillip looked like he was going to pee his pants with fright.

“What? He does! That is the strangest rash I have ever seen and I lived on an island that had ferns that would turn your skin to boils the size of plums.”

“You certainly are a brave one aren’t you?” Sir Iguana Skin stepped closer, “That or just very stupid.”

“Depends on who you ask.” I shrugged. “Who are you? I haven’t been here long but I’m sure I’d recognize something like you.”

“Where are my manners?” he gave an exaggerated bow, “Rumplestiltskin.”

“Oh fuck me,” I muttered.

“So, you’ve heard of me,”

“Yeah…” This is bad. This is so fucking bad!

“Then I suppose an apology is in order.”

This was the Dark One. One of the first Lost Boys. The man that had once been like a little brother to Peter. Baelfire’s father. The original owner of the dagger strapped to my hip. I never thought I would ever meet this monstrosity of guilt and evil.

I took a deep breath trying not to show nervous I was. “I am truly sorry for mocking you.”

“Uh-uh,” he waved a finger in my face, “Pretty words are only half the price.”

“I make candles, I don’t have a lot of money.”

“Nor do I need it, spinning straw into gold and all that. I need something a little more personal.”

Sentimental worth. Peter liked the same sort of payment.. “Fine,” I took off the leather cuff on my wrist. The one Peter gave me after I saved him from the Black Fairy’s realm. “Will this do?”

“Let me see,” he took the cuff, “well worn, traces of magic and what is this?” he pointed to the amber stone laid in it.

“A pretty rock?”

“Oh no, this,” his face grew serious, “is Neverland amber. How did you get it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re a pretty good liar, I can see that, but not good enough to fool me, dearie.” he inched closer hand outstretched threateningly, “Now the truth.”

“You don’t scare me.”

“Liar,” a sharp pain ripped through my head.

I dropped to my knees clutching my head. Oh gods...is this death? No. Death would be better. The pain ceased and I was hauled back to my feet. My eyes felt like they were going to roll right out of my skull.

“That looked like it hurt.” his sharp fingernails scratched my skin, “The amber, how did you get it?”

“Present from an old friend,”

“What friend?” When I didn’t answer he grabbed my throat. “Tell me!”

“Peter!”

“Phillip!” I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t shut up.

“Some boy named Peter Pan. They were lovers.”

“Phillip, you cowardly bastard!”

“Peter Pan,” the Dark One snarled, his grip on my throat tightening, “You’re from Neverland.”

“Was,” I gasped, “Not anymore.”

“Couldn’t stand him either huh?”

“Hated him.”

He grinned and whispered, “Liar.”

“Killing me will bring you nothing.”

“True, but torturing you for information about your little ex-lover would be a nice treat.”

“No need. He’s an ass and doesn’t leave Neverland anymore. Not much else to say.”

“You seem to not understand this little quirk of mine. I know when you lie. So when you keep lying in an effort to protect that vile worm you make me angry. Understand?”

I can’t let him know about Peter. He’ll hurt him. I can’t let that happen.

“I’ve been told I’m very stubborn. Torture away, it will lead to nothing.”

“We’ll see about that.” he waved a hand and a column of smoke engulfed us taking me far away from the inn.

(First) (Previous) (Next)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #60

“everything i touch turns to stone, so wrap your arms around me and leave me on my own.”

how're you feeling today?   okay.  i guess.  still plenty of time for the day to be ruined.  i just woke up a few minutes ago.  thank god i managed to sleep kinda easily last night, despite what was going on.  guess i was just that tired. have you ever lost a close friend?   yeah, i have, but not to death. what’s your sister(s) names?   katie, misty, ashley, nicole, and tiffany if you want to count her. when was the last time you cried?   last night. what is your favorite song?   first let it be clear that i have LOTS.  but i'm actually going to make an effort to list some here.  again, this certainly isn't all, but some include "hurt" by johnny cash, "here to stay" by korn, "nebel" by rammstein, "perfectly flawed" by otep, "lost it all" by black veil brides, and just... yeah, LOTS more. how do you wear your makeup?   i will once in a blue moon wear foundation, but usually not.  i'll always put on eyeliner and mascara, usually lipstick, then sometimes eye shadow, depending on whether or not i feel like taking it off later or not. do you have a job?   no, but my mom and i are going to drive around animal shelters today to see about volunteering.  since i quit school, i don't know about you, but i can't tolerate myself to sit at home with zero responsibilities.  i have to do something. do you work out every week?   no.  funny how i used to do it everyday. what kind of bathing suit do you wear?   i don't know what it's technically called, it's just a normal bathing suit that covers the belly and such? do you think you are pretty?   i honestly think i would be if i wasn't my size. what’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?   the cutest?  probably that time i was lying in bed and i couldn't sleep, so i was iming jason on facebook and jokingly demanded him to sing to me, because i mean, obviously he couldn't really.  he ended up posting the lyrics/sending me a video to "the mortician's daughter" by black veil brides.  i smiled so big listening to that song; i ended up listening to it all night.  if you ask me, i'll always tell you that was "our song," and it fits us now more than ever.  i usually can't listen to it, but it's so dear to my heart that i sometimes fight the triggering and just listen to it regardless and remember what we had.  i've also decided that regardless of whether or not we get back together, i'm getting "i love you more than i can ever scream" (or possibly another lyric) tattooed somewhere on me, probably in a quote bubble or something.  i don't give half a shit if i ever end up with someone else, i will always love him and that song, and i dare my potential significant other to complain.  but hey, regardless of your musical taste, you should really listen to it, it's beautiful. do you consider dogs inside or outside pets?   both.  i don't believe in leaving them outside all alone forever, and i don't believe in cooping them up inside where their energy gets to be too much. do you read books for pleasure?   not so much anymore, really.  i just kinda... stopped one day.  i really think it's because of my hospitalization; i read like crazy to pass the time every time i was in the hospital, and i guess i just associate it.  it's a shame though, i used to love reading... wood floors or carpet?   in general, i prefer wood floors.  i love it when they look all glossy and they're easier to clean, i think. a teacher says she’s noticed you’ve looked sad, do you confide in her?   i probably would.  when people actually show interest in my wellbeing, i usually open up decently. if someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it?   if mom let me, yeah.  i go on and off between wanting my own kitten, so. are easter baskets only for kids?   absolutely not! do you like to daydream about sex?   i'll admit i've done it before, but i wouldn't say i "like" it. which of your parents do you laugh more with?   my dad have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral?   yes, for my former babysitter miss janet. after a date, do you call your friend to tell them how it went?   lmao i probably would, honestly. do you like romantic gestures or do they make you feel awkward?   FUCKING YES I LOVE ROMANTIC PEOPLE. have you/do you plan to go to college?   well, i just dropped out of college yesterday due to my deteriorating mental health, so... do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings?   omg, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!  especially irl, i am TERRIBLE.  like i am a highly figurative thinking and think of everything in kinda inexplainable ways, to where no words seem to fit.  i will struggle so much in a conversation to get out words exactly how i mean them, which is why i prefer to write, because i can think longer about what i'm saying. do you think all porn stars are whores?   i'm sorry to offend, but uh, yeah??  a whore is a prostitute, and a prostitute is someone who engages in sexual acts for monetary gain.  it's kinda... obvious...? would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now?   despite that only being two years younger, probs not.  i want someone older than me in hopes they'd be more mature.  sure, an 18-year-old could be perfectly mature, but i just believe the odds are better with someone slightly older. are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions?   both really. be honest: are you clingy?   quite a bit. do you like to wear makeup?   i do.  it makes me feel prettier.  i just don't usually put it on. how old is the oldest person you’ve kissed?   he's 23. are you bipolar?   according to psychiatrists, yes.  but honestly, i don't really know for certain, considering i always feel an underlying depression?  like i'm aware one kind of bipolarity is more manic, the other more subtle, but i still don't know if i have it. have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BOI do you believe the last person you kissed still cares about you?   do i hope?  yeah.  do i believe he does?  no. do you like to cuddle?   if you're jason, yeah.  it's so funny.  i didn't even like hugs when we started dating, but he got me to wear i absolutely loved cuddling with him and i now love hugs. when you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over?   YUP.  if i really like it, anyway. do you prefer being called your actual name or a nick name?   brittany or just "britt" is fine. do you ever want to get married?   i do.  i'm christian, and marriage is perhaps the most beautiful thing in our faith.  i don't want children until i'm legally bound too, and i do want kids.  and i mean... i guess i'm still trying to be abstinent, so. are you wearing a necklace?   no.  i rarely wear necklaces. have your parents ever caught you drinking?   no.  i've never been drinking when i wasn't supposed to. ever been kissed under fireworks?   i have not. have you ever held hands with someone in a car?   jason usually let me hold his hand while he was driving, yeah. do you like the town you are living in?   *cackles maniacally* how did you get one of your scars?   from scratching my leg obsessively. would you ever get a tattoo/belly ring?   tattoos, fuck yeah, belly button piercing, only if i got much smaller.  i don't like how they look on people my size. have you ever hated a teacher?   no.  i've honestly never had a bad teacher because i actually knew how to behave. when is your birthday?   february 5th!!  coming up!! c: are you afraid of roller coasters?   YUP.  i'm terrified of throwing up. how often do you think about death, suicide or running away?   death/suicide, multiple times a week.  running away, never. have you ever had stitches? where?   in my chin, yes. do you enjoy chicken noodle soup?   nope. have you ever been on omegle?   no, because i'm honestly not fond of seeing random dicks. do/did you enjoy it when your school would have pep rallys?   NO.  i hated them so much that i always stayed in class with the teacher. have you ever been caught cheating on a test?   no, because i don't cheat on tests. do alligators scare you?   nah.  i mean if one was coming after me i'd obviously be fearful nor would i approach one, but in general, they don't scare me.  i rather think they're very cool.. are your parents proud of you?   i'm sure they're not.  i've done nothing to warrant pride. do you play just dance on the wii?   not anymore, but i would once in a while back when.  once, during my little sister's birthday, jason and i danced to a kiss song... and he beat me.  i'm still salty af. what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. did you ever want a pet rabbit?   not adamantly.  my sister had one once and she was veeeery messy. ashley didn't know the rabbit had died for a week. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you?   colleen if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them?   ... i'd be a bad person to talk to about suicide.  nevertheless, i'd speak to them pretty wishfully, to be honest.  ex. "everything eventually gets better," bullshit like that that doesn't happen for everyone. have you ever felt so depressed that you were struggling to carry on?   oh, you mean the daily struggle? have you ever worn colored mascara?   no... but that'd be cool depending on what i was wearing! before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace?   myspace, yes.  i remember mine was entirely dedicated to meerkats lmao. has anyone ever asked you out and you turned them down?   yes. are you a secretive person?   online, not really.  real life, yeah. if you were going to buy a present for the person you love, what would you generally choose?   something oriented around "magic: the gathering."  or something with cthulu. ever gave a really long apology?   i have. have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?   i have.  call it crazy, but you ain't experienced heartbreak until you've felt it. where would you like to go on your honeymoon?   it'd be quite ideal if i could go to south africa for that so i could fulfill my dream of photographing the kmp meerkats, but i don't know how romantic that would be.  i'd want my future spouse's opinion here. would you ever cut all your hair off to raise money for charity?   all my hair?  no, honestly. do you eat the slice of lemons you get in drinks?   NONONONONO.  i will never forget that gmm episode where they talked about surprisingly filthy things and the lemons were one of them due to having relatively common contact with fecal bacteria from employees not washing their hands. do you like family get-togethers?   my family doesn't really have those because most of my family isn't in nc.  on the rare occasion some of the family's together, generally, no, i don't really enjoy them because half the family has shit to say about me. where does your (favorite) pet sleep at night?   in my old room.  i'd love for him to sleep with me, but he's old and has accidents. how many pillows do you actually use while sleeping (not just on your bed)?   three. do you prefer using regular or mechanical pencils?   mechanical. who in your family has the longest hair? how long is yours?   nicole or ashley, pretty sure nicole tho.  mine is mid-way between my shoulders and breasts. what do you hear now?   "fuck away the pain" by divide the day.  i really don't know why, but this song helps me feel better about shit sometimes...? what are all the areas of your body that you shave?   underarms, legs, trim a "certain area" when you go on webcam, who do you chat with the most? do you use any specific sites or programs?   i never use my webcam what books (if any) have you read more than once?   "because of winn-dixie" i read twice, and "meerkat manor: flower of the kalahari" i've probably read over 10 times lmao.  i skipped over clutton-brock's tangents in the later re-reads, though. what is your favorite card game?   "magic: the gathering" i assume.  i'm not big into card games. what is your most expensive piece of jewelry? if it was a gift, who got it for you?   that's a very good question.  i honestly couldn't tell you. what is your favorite video game to play by yourself?   i love replaying "silent hill 2" and experiencing it again, but the feeling will never be as raw as the first time.  i have to be in the "right" mood to play it though, or else it will REALLY depress me. you have to get a piercing, what do you get?   i want a vertical labret for my lip again. what are you wearing?   plaid pajama pants, cheshire cat tank top do you like the ocean?   i do, but it also scares me.  A LOT. would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?   honestly, i sleep better alone, but i'd prefer to be with someone. do you wear glasses?   always, unless i feel like taking a picture without them for whatever reason. do you wear contacts?   no, but i did years ago.  i was just bad with taking them in and out, so i got glasses instead. have you ever loved someone, but broke their heart?   i couldn't tell you.  he sure as fuck never acted like it.  despite being together for 3 1/2 years. have you had a bf/gf that you never kissed?   if you want to count my first two boyfriends, yeah, i never kissed either of 'em. would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate?   no.  one of us would die that day. has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked?   it's happened before and i'm just like... why???  you're not the one dating him stfu. have you ever stayed up late talking to a bf/gf on the phone or online?   plenty of times. do you have any handshakes with anybody?   nah. what has been the stupidest reason someone has broken up with you?   i've only been broken up with once, and he might as well have said, "i'm sorry you're too sick for me after all this time so i'mma leave you to die peace bye" who do you care about more, your significant other or your best friend(s)?   i don't have a significant other, so i'm just going to say crush instead.  and honestly?  i care about him more, sorry. do you have any pictures of yourself with a bf/gf?   i still have every picture i've ever taken with jason.  hell, i still have our facebook album of pictures because i refuse to delete it. is there anyone you don’t like that always seems to be everywhere you are?   no. who in your life is your number one priority to make sure they’re happy?   i would say jason, but he's not really "in my life," so i don't... really know...?  i mean i guess colleen.  though i'm aware it should be me.  i just can't manage to care for myself like that. do you like making lists?   i'm neutral, honestly. do you play sports with your siblings?   nope. what color or design does your shower curtain have?   it's actually entirely blank. does it bother you when animals lick themselves?   no, they're just cleaning themselves.  my mom though, she cannot STAND the sound.  she'll yell at any of the dogs if they're doing it. could you ever give yourself a shot?   probs. do you wear a bra 24/7?   i only ever wear a bra if i'm going somewhere.  gotta let the ladies be free fam. have you ever worked as a cashier?   yes, and FUCK THAT a million ways over. do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog, and it's pretty much identical, just the shoes are different. what ethnicity is the last person you talked to?   white do you have any interests in psychology?   i find it extremely interesting, but i have no desire to learn more about it.  the brain is too dangerous. would you go out with someone right now if they asked?   only if you were jason. have you ever met anyone who claimed to be a witch?   i have indeed.  very close online friend. have you ever been to michigan?   when i was a baby, yes. would you ever tattoo a lover’s name onto your body?   never in a million years.  i'd get matching tattoo or a couple tat, but NEVER his name. do you know anyone with asthma?   my mother and grandma. are you going to force your kids to be in activity or let them choose?   i would never force my child to do something they didn't want to do. do you watch toddlers and tiaras?   omg no, fuck that show and its concept.  i do not, even mildly, agree with pitting your child against another to decide who's more "beautiful."  jesus christ, do you WANT your child to grow up insecure as shit?  i personally know a number of children who have been in pageants, and guess what, they're snobby, materialistic little... ugh.  even if my child asked, i wouldn't allow them to be in a pageant.  just no. what was the last band t-shirt you bought?   good question. if someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say?   hell no, son.  i'm 1.) not patriotic enough and 2.) i'm a pacifist and 3.) i just have no desire. are you passionate?   holy fuck yes.  i honestly think it's my favorite trait about me personally. do you own an old vintage typewriter?   we did at one point, no idea where it went... do you hate how dogs bark every time someone comes to your house?   oh my GOD you ought to hear how our dogs are when someone comes home. have you ever been to sea world?   i have as a child; i still remember being splashed all to hell by shamu or whatever the whale's name was there.  now as an adult, i don't know if i'd go again... due to obvious controversy.  i don't know how i feel about it, honestly.  like i do believe it's very important for us to learn about animals, but to put a huge whale on display for our entertainment?  i dunno, man. do you know someone who suffers from short term memory loss?   it's very well possible i do.  i forget shit WAY too easily. are you a protective person?   oh boy, can i be.  i'm the type that would kill for those who deserve my protection. have you ever experienced an earthquake?   no.  i was two-three hours away when a very, very minor earthquake struck the east coast, though.  mom felt it at home. does your house have a dishwasher?   we do. do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo?   probably, idk. could you say something good about the last person you kissed?   he's very realistic. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?   mike's hard and smirnoff what languages can you count to ten or higher in?   english, german, spanish do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people?   depends on the person. do you believe that the world will actually end?   i'm certain it will eventually. are you socially awkward?   always. are you satisfied with your gender?   i am, but even if i wasn't, what would i do about it? are you good at admitting your problems?   probably too good. who is your family doctor?   dr. emanuel has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   yep.  most recently when it seemed colleen's pastor thought we were a lesbian couple lmao do you ever floss?   i confess, no. are you an impatient person?   OH LORD YEAH are you a supporter of the war?   fuck no. has your cell phone ever rung in class?   no. speaking of which, what kind of phone do you have?   samsung galaxy do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   i'm perfectly aware i'm not as fortunate as most.  face it, not everyone is blessed equally. are you a paranoid person?   very. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies would you consider yourself a clean person?   for the most part, yeah.  i don't like feeling dirty. do you have a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder?   not so much anymore.  i used to have repetitive thought cycles BADLY, but thank god i fought so hard to overcome that. how many trees surround your individual house?   loads.  we live in the woods. is halloween simply the greatest holiday ever?   if you can actually get into the spirit, absolutely.  haven't felt it for a long time, though... is pantera one of your favorite bands?   definitely not a fave, but i like some songs by them.  especially "walk." what color car would you definitely not want to own?   white.  gets dirty too easily. are you picky when it comes to music?   very much so. what's something you disagree with about the way you were raised?   my mom spanked us. has the opposite sex ever written you a poem?   yes, but i'm very suspicious it wasn't just for me.  juan was well-known to be a player.  he probably gave it to other girls. have you ever been a featured member on any website?   i have. who’s the last person you had a sleepover with?   chelsea

[incendixry-blog]

So I finally finished this.  I’m going to put it under the cut because it is long af! But please if you actually read it and think it’s a good idea give this a like, or comment maybe?  I could use the feedback but anyway enough stalling.

So since I ‘revamped’ Milo again I’ve been having… issues.  Mainly with myself but also with him.  As usual the cheeky little shit just does what he wants and flips everything I try to do upside down,  but this has been different.  Despite thinking I had developed a character I could be happy with; there were holes in his story- things that just didn’t make sense and more to the point he was acting strange, some days he could experience some extreme mood swings, sometimes at the drop of a dime seemingly.  Sometimes he would pester me for hours on end when I wasn’t in a sociable mood and others I’d have muse but he’d be unwilling to do anything.   While trying to figure out what the hell I created the term “Bipolar Disorder” crossed my mind and it seemed plausible enough at first, but the more I researched it; it began to fill in the holes I couldn’t make sense of. For starters Bipolar disorder (or manic depression if you prefer) has no specific cause but many feel that it can run in families like many other illnesses- mental or otherwise can.  This isn’t the only cause as also stress and trauma can contribute or be a cause for it, we’ll come back to this later.  With that though I must point out something else, there are technically two types of Bipolar disorder:  Bipolar I, and Bipolar II disorder.  The difference between the two are as follows: “Bipolar II disorder is not a milder form of bipolar I disorder, but a separate diagnosis. While the manic episodes of bipolar I disorder can be severe and dangerous, individuals with bipolar II disorder can be depressed for longer periods, which can cause significant impairment.” - (mayoclinic.org 2017) To compare the two would be like comparing apples to apples in my personal opinion as someone who has dealt with sever depression, either way both are life long and life altering, they affect the day to day lives of those who suffer; however it can be managed. Now how do I place Milo as having Bipolar disorder?  Well where his “highs” and “lows” are concerned he meets and serpasses the minimum qualifications for sure, and not every second of every day is someone who deals with Bipolar disorder switching between their hypomanic/manic and depressive episodes.  Each person is different; someone might rarely have an episode while someone- like Milo for example, will have several.  There are periods of time where a person can be themselves and not be affected by their illness.   Now with that said Hypomanic and Manic episodes are two separate things but their symptoms are the same.  Mania will cause more noticeable problems in a person’s life and while the symptoms may not seem that severe a manic episode could trigger a break in reality also known as psychosis which is far more concerning and will require hospitalization.  Both Manic and Hypomanic episodes need at least three symptoms to be classified as such (the severity will determine what kind of episode from what I gather) but instead of listing all of the symptoms I’m only going to list the ones that apply to Milo.

- Abnormally upbeat, jumpy, or wired - Increased activity, energy, or agitation - Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoric feeling) - Decreased need for sleep - Racing thoughts - Poor decision making (for example impulsively buying things, taking sexual risks, or making foolish investments)

In a hypomanic episode, the exaggerated self-confidence and poor decision making, could be seen as Milo just being a cheeky little shit.  But the idea that it could also be aggravated by, or aggravating his illness (with the latter being the more plausible) is just too coincidental.  As for being “jumpy, upbeat, or wired” it is more like he has a worse time staying still than normal.  If in a calm state he could very well be willing to curl up on the couch with someone, or just sit down and read.  During a hypomanic episode it takes a lot to get him to sit down and stay still, during a manic episode though; forget it you are lucky if you are able to get his attention at all.  That being said out of the eight symptoms listed on mayoclinc.org, Milo has six he only needed three for an episode to be classified as hypomanic. Now let’s move on to the opposite end of the spectrum.  For a depressive episode to be classified as such Milo needs to be experiencing five out of nine symptoms; again I’m only going to list the ones that apply to him to save some time.

- Depressed mood - Loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in any or most activities - Significant weight loss or weight gain/decrease or increase in appetite - Sleeping too much - Fatigue or loss of energy - Excessive and inappropriate feelings of guilt/worthlessness - Thinking about/planning/attempting suicide

Now addressing the elephant in the room, Milo will have thoughts of suicide, and at his worse he will plan it but he at this point he has only attempted once, and that was during his first experience with psychosis. (more on this soon) There are other symptoms for bipolar disorder, such as psychosis which I briefly mentioned before, and anxious distress both of which Milo has, had or will experience.  Unlike the weight loss and gain symptom- which I admit I added because it made him feel more human to me, the anxiousness as well as other symptoms listed are like some quirks he had back when I first made his blog.  Moving on it’s said the illness can be considered as “mixed” or “rapid cycling” with mood swings/episodes being affected by a number of things- “triggers” if you will, such as the seasons.  As far as Milo goes what I can tell is that the time of day actually affects his mood swings/episodes.  Long of the short is he tends to better at night than during the day, which when I think about the lifestyle he leads makes sense.  Speaking of which it’s kinda funny, while Milo is aware he is bipolar he does pretty much everything he’s been warned NOT to do because of his illness. Let’s start back at the beginning, the probable cause.  His mother Ann has been dealing with Bipolar II Disorder which more than likely was part of what caused the divorce between her and her husband.  However the fact his mother had the illness isn’t the sole reason why Milo has it as well.  Because Ann never was treated- never having been formally diagnosed, she dealt with her mood swings in her own way.   But at the cost of her son, Ann feared what she’d do to Milo in her mood swings, during her hypomanic episodes her son became a nuisance getting in the way of her work and her life, and during her depressive episodes she’d guilt herself for not being a better mother both episodes she’d been known to have a temper and to lash out.  Fearing physically harming her son after she’d fought so hard to get custody of him (which in honesty was a in part of hypomanic episode, and not solely out of spite) she locked herself in either her room or study to work through her mood swings.  Leaving Milo to whoever she’d hired to care for him, this lack of affection and later on aggression towards Milo would cause him to seek the attention he yearned for in other ways.  I won’t go into the nitty gritty details but until he met his now ex, Milo struggled with bipolar II his depressive episodes being far more frequent than his hypomanic, and his self-worth.  However upon getting with Asher things took a turn for Milo, until this point he at least had a positive influence and support in Wes @timidshot but Asher made sure he never saw his friend again after taking control of Milo’s life.  His illness became worse as he began suffering manic episodes, and this lead me to the biggest hole that just irritated me.  Milo leaving Asher, see a person subjected to so much abuse just doesn’t leave their abuser, so what would make Milo leave?  Suffice to say I found my answer, you see at one point after Wes left Milo had to face the reality he was horrifically alone.  He’d let Asher ruin everything from his education (forcing him to drop out), to his mental state getting worse and worse.  The one time he saw his mother after he’d moved in with his “boyfriend” he had been at his lowest and needed something to keep him going.  But she met him with utter indifference, Ann had accepted Milo abandoning everything as her own fault but seeing him again she assumed was him trying to piss her off- as he was prone to do.  Unable to find it within her to be angry, she just acting indifferent when in reality if she had acted angry even if she had acted happy to see him in some way, it would’ve made him want to live just because in his mind someone cared.  But indifference, killed the last flicker of hope Milo saw as an escape.  His mind snapped and that night slit his wrists not caring who saw or what happened because at that point death was the only escape possible to him.  He has few memories of the next few weeks but when he came too he was in a crisis center.  He underwent psychiatric evaluation and was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, it was this time he realized how out of control he really was from his life.  So when he was released into his mother’s care.  He begged Ann to let him move to New York, claiming it was to get away from Asher, in reality it was to get away from everyone.  She allowed it again unwilling to fight when she wanted to try to fix their relationship after almost losing her only son, she bought his ticket and gave him enough money to get started.  But now left to his own devices he doesn’t take his medications, and instead lives as he wants lying to himself that he needs to be in control for a while before he can listen to some doctors.  If you asked him about Asher he’d lie and say he left on his own accord, it’s too the point he’s convinced himself that the relationship he had with Asher wasn’t toxic and abusive and it “failing” was his fault.   This is where I wrap things up, I’ll be updating the blog pages within the next week or so.  But honestly I don’t do justice for Milo or for the illness as a whole because it’s a lot more than how I make it seem.  Anyway, thanks for taking the time to check this out! ^ w ^